Ep. #281 - The Nutcracker and the Four Realms

Elliott Kalan

[0:00] On this episode we discuss The Nutcracker and The Four Realms.

[0:05] Based on the ballet of the same name, except for the Four Realms part,

[0:09] which is, admittedly, a kind of unnecessary piece of world-building

[0:13] when you already have the rich world of ballet.

[0:30] Hey everyone and welcome to The Flophouse, I'm Dan McCoy.

Dan McCoy

[0:45] Hey Dan, I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:47] Hey guys, Elliot Kalin coming at you live from L.A., California.

[0:51] That's right, Los Strangeles, Hollyweird, where America makes its movies and moves its makees.

[0:58] Guys, how are you?

Stuart Wellington

[0:59] Makees the Tony Millionaire comic?

Elliott Kalan

[1:01] I guess so, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03] Yeah, moves them to what, Greenlight Books?

[1:06] Yeah, what are we doing with them?

[1:08] We're shipping them on a truck?

Elliott Kalan

[1:09] Yeah, it's a new printing and we gotta move it out of here.

Dan McCoy

[1:14] Well, that joke was for a very small subset of the audience, I'm pretty sure.

[1:18] Although a larger subset than for most things, since this is a podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22] You're right, probably we have more listeners who are aware of Tony Millionaire

[1:24] than say, like, The Big Bang Theory has viewers who are aware of Tony Millionaire.

Dan McCoy

[1:28] Uh-huh.

[1:29] But, that being said, this is a podcast.

[1:34] And you know what?

[1:36] What?

[1:36] It's supported.

[1:38] This sounds like a very natural segue.

[1:40] This podcast is supported by listeners.

[1:43] Uh-huh, yeah.

[1:44] This is our second MaxFunDrive episode, asking you to become a supporter of Maximum Fun.

[1:51] I believe you already are.

[1:52] But I'm already a supporter.

[1:54] And my wife is also a supporter.

Elliott Kalan

[1:56] Hey, but you guys could also both upgrade your supportership by advancing to another level of support.

[2:02] Dan, talk a little bit about MaxFun.

[2:04] What is it?

[2:04] What does it do?

[2:05] Why are we driving it?

[2:05] Where are we driving it to?

Dan McCoy

[2:07] Okay, well...

Elliott Kalan

[2:08] Is that what we're driving all these Maki's books around with?

Dan McCoy

[2:11] Maximum Fun is a podcasting network with TK shows on it.

[2:17] I think around 40.

[2:18] I'm not really sure how many.

[2:20] But I tried to count them up, but there's some of them are defunct, so it's a hard thing to figure out.

[2:25] But there's a lot of them.

Elliott Kalan

[2:26] Seems like, again, let's steer back onto the main drive here.

[2:29] No, no, no, no.

Stuart Wellington

[2:29] Let's get in the weeds and work this out.

[2:33] But it's a great network.

[2:34] It's helped us.

Elliott Kalan

[2:35] I feel like we were about to get on the highway, and then Dan immediately just cut the wheel over onto a dirt road going to maybe an abandoned farmhouse in the distance.

[2:46] He's like, oh, we're going to go to Legoland.

[2:49] Wait, let's go see if Jeepers Creepers is around.

Stuart Wellington

[2:52] I certainly hope not.

[2:53] I don't care for those movies or the director.

Dan McCoy

[2:55] Look, it's a great network.

[2:58] It's motto, comedy and culture is a true thing.

[3:03] It brings you lots of comedy.

[3:04] It brings you lots of culture.

[3:05] Yep, you're right.

[3:06] It brings a lot of culture me, a lot of calmer.

[3:10] But the point is, we did a lot of benefits from being part of the network.

[3:14] It's helped us grow our audience a lot.

[3:16] It's helped us get money to keep going through donor drives like this one and through advertisers.

[3:23] And we come to you once a year to help support our show and help support the network in general.

[3:28] And monthly memberships, though, mostly go to supporting us, the people that you're listening to right now.

[3:35] And part of why I think it's great to become a supporter of these shows, as I am, as the rest of us are, is that it helps you kind of feel, I don't know, like a little ownership over the show.

[3:48] Something that you enjoy.

[3:50] Something that you has become part of your life.

[3:53] You can help keep going.

[3:55] And you also get some great pledge gifts.

Stuart Wellington

[3:59] Yeah.

[3:59] So when you send us a tweet or whatever or a letter correcting us or telling us that we're big old dummies, now you feel like we should listen to you.

Dan McCoy

[4:09] Yeah.

[4:10] And I like to think of the listeners more as silent partners.

[4:13] Oh, okay.

[4:15] In this organization.

Elliott Kalan

[4:16] Our listeners really feel differently, Dan.

[4:18] They prefer to be quite vocal.

[4:19] And I appreciate them that way.

[4:21] You know what?

[4:22] Be vocal with your free speech.

[4:23] And according to the Supreme Court, money is a form of free speech.

[4:26] And so why not become a supporter to the MaxFunDrive and to this very podcast, the Flophouse Podcast?

Dan McCoy

[4:32] Hey, there's a lot of great donor gifts you get from donating with a $5 monthly membership.

[4:38] You get access to all of the exclusive bonus content.

[4:43] There's a secret.

[4:44] Something that is too hot for TV.

[4:46] Yeah.

[4:46] There's a secret bonus feed with bonus content from all of the shows.

[4:52] There's over 200 hours of it at this point.

[4:54] At $10 monthly membership, you get a drive-exclusive enamel pin designed by Megan Lynn Cott.

[5:00] There's a design for every MaxFun show.

[5:03] You can choose your favorite.

Elliott Kalan

[5:04] The Flophouse pin is a cute cat.

[5:06] Looks like Archie.

Dan McCoy

[5:07] It looks more like my dead cat, Lulu.

[5:09] But thanks for bringing that up, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[5:12] I don't believe I did, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[5:14] The $20 monthly membership, you get a lovely puzzle.

[5:17] That is the view from MaxFun HQ in LA.

[5:22] $35.

Stuart Wellington

[5:22] The beautiful American cement building.

[5:24] So you can do that.

[5:28] You can grab a little Puzz, glass of Malbec or something.

[5:32] Yeah.

[5:33] Sit out on your veranda or your Florida room and just fucking tear it up.

[5:37] Mm-hmm.

[5:37] Go out to your gazebo.

[5:39] Do a Puzz.

[5:40] Just be out on the lanai.

Dan McCoy

[5:41] Yeah.

[5:41] Like a golden girl.

[5:42] Yeah.

[5:43] $35 a month, you get a great glass coffee mug and great for the MaxFun rocket logo.

[5:48] Listen, there's higher levels that we don't want to ignore because we would love you to give more money if you feel like you can.

[5:55] But we'll get into that later on in the show.

[5:59] Hey, why not just contribute?

[6:03] Why not?

[6:04] How's that for a pitch?

[6:06] Hey, why not?

[6:07] Because it's there.

Elliott Kalan

[6:08] Sure, no.

[6:09] So why not go to MaximumFun.org slash donate and do that.

[6:13] Okay, Dan, but this is not a donation podcast, right?

[6:18] What do we do on this podcast normally?

Stuart Wellington

[6:19] Let's take the hat that we had passed around for donations, put it back on our heads.

[6:24] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[6:25] All the money falls out onto the floor.

[6:27] Let's pick it up and put it in our pockets.

[6:29] Uh-huh.

[6:29] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[6:30] This is a podcast, I said it before, where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[6:35] Yep.

[6:36] Okay.

[6:36] And, okay, this time around, Elliot chose the movie and I am dying to understand why he picked this one.

Stuart Wellington

[6:43] Elliot, Elliot Kalin, original Nutty Buddy.

[6:46] Uh-huh.

Elliott Kalan

[6:47] Okay, that's what it says on my business card and also in my government file, original Nutty Buddy.

Dan McCoy

[6:53] Elliot picked a movie that slid off my brain as I was watching it, so I'm curious to hear what he has to say about it.

Elliott Kalan

[6:59] So, maybe this movie, so this was the Nutcracker and the Four Realms.

[7:03] Maybe this movie, I think I have two reasons Dan White stuck in my mind as existing.

[7:06] When I think I had to repeatedly tell Dan beforehand that this was a movie and he kept saying, yeah, I'd never heard of it.

[7:12] I'm like, that's fine, that's cool, but why don't we watch it?

[7:14] Yeah, I'm just saying I'd never heard of it.

[7:16] I didn't know it existed.

[7:17] I know, Dan, that's great.

[7:18] I know you're too hip to know about ballet movies.

[7:20] I get it.

[7:21] You're so cool.

[7:21] You don't know that stuff.

Dan McCoy

[7:22] I mean, I think my argument is more that I'm pretty plugged into movies, so if anyone should have known that that thing existed.

Stuart Wellington

[7:29] Elliot, Dan is extremely online.

[7:31] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[7:32] Yes, that's true.

[7:34] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[7:37] I'm a tastemaker and an influencer, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[7:40] You're both of those things?

[7:41] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[7:41] I'm also a fresh maker.

Elliott Kalan

[7:43] I was just about to ask if you were a fresh maker also.

[7:45] Now, Dan, are you brisk?

Dan McCoy

[7:50] Damn it.

[7:51] All right.

[7:52] You stop making me spit out my drinks and –

Elliott Kalan

[7:54] I did a spit take.

[7:56] Okay.

[7:57] So, Nutcrack in the Four Roams.

[7:58] I think there's two reasons that stuck in my mind.

[7:59] One, Dan, Stu, you guys don't have kids.

[8:02] I'm exposed to a lot more children's entertainment than you are.

[8:05] And this seemed to be advertised all over the place.

[8:08] And number two, I am, as Stuart said, an original Nutty Buddy.

[8:12] When I was a kid, my grandmother would take my family to see the Nutcracker at the New York Ballet every year around holiday time.

[8:19] That was the big Hanukkah present for my family was to go see a Christmas-themed ballet.

[8:25] But I really loved it.

[8:26] I've always really loved the Nutcracker.

[8:27] At a certain point, my cousins and my siblings said, are we really going to see the Nutcracker every year?

[8:33] And they made my grandmother start taking us to other things.

[8:35] But I've always loved the Nutcracker.

[8:36] And so when I saw that they were making what was basically like what seemed to be a like epic fantasy quest battle movie out of the Nutcracker, I was like, I've got to take a stand.

[8:46] This is ridiculous.

[8:47] The same way that I regret we didn't cover the Alice in Wonderland movies when those came out.

[8:51] Because the idea of Alice in Wonderland being repurposed as a Lord of the Rings type story really offends me in a certain way.

[8:58] It's just so outside the court.

[8:59] The same way that like any time that there's like a gritty, like violent version of Alice in Wonderland where it's like Alice is in an insane asylum and all the characters are assassins.

[9:08] Like I don't like that stuff either.

[9:10] So I was like, the Nutcracker, they're going to do that to the Nutcracker.

Stuart Wellington

[9:13] Sorry, I've got to write these notes down real quick.

[9:15] Thanks, Elliot.

[9:16] It doesn't.

[9:17] No.

[9:18] Mental Hospital, 13 ghosts.

[9:21] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[9:22] I don't remember saying anything about the number of ghosts.

Stuart Wellington

[9:26] 13 is the scariest number of ghosts.

[9:29] I mean, if you're going to have a collection of ghosts, you could have 12, but then like why not just add another fucking ghost?

Elliott Kalan

[9:34] Wouldn't 14 ghosts be scarier because it's one more ghost?

Dan McCoy

[9:41] No.

[9:41] I mean, there's a diminishing returns kind of thing that goes on.

Stuart Wellington

[9:44] You know, I didn't think about that, but I do think 14 is probably scarier than 13.

[9:50] Thank you.

[9:51] It's not like if it was like 14,000.

[9:54] Yeah.

[9:54] Like that's just a wall of ghosts.

[9:56] Like you can't see the forest or the ghosts at that point.

Elliott Kalan

[9:59] Yeah.

[9:59] At that point, you're like, how many ghosts are there?

[10:02] Can everyone please be quiet so I can count the ghosts?

[10:04] You want enough ghosts that you can kind of count them in maybe one or two passes.

[10:07] Right?

[10:08] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[10:09] The other thing though is there's only 13 really scary ghosts in the world.

[10:12] Okay, name him.

Elliott Kalan

[10:13] Hitler.

[10:14] What?

[10:14] John Wilkes Booth.

[10:15] Yeah.

[10:17] What?

[10:18] Jeffrey Dahmer.

[10:19] Jack the Ripper.

Dan McCoy

[10:21] Who else?

[10:21] Mr. Rogers.

[10:22] There are things about him that you do not know.

[10:24] Oh, wow.

Elliott Kalan

[10:25] That is not going to win you any credits.

[10:27] I literally yesterday just finished reading The Good Neighbor, the biography of Fred Rogers.

[10:32] There is nothing about him that I was unhappy to learn about.

[10:37] Okay, good.

[10:37] Except one thing.

[10:40] Oh, no.

[10:41] One terrifying thing.

Dan McCoy

[10:42] What were we saying about The Nutcracker?

Elliott Kalan

[10:47] Anyway, so The Nutcracker.

[10:48] So I was like, I got to see what they do with this story, how they screw it up by making it into like a fantasy quest.

[10:54] So that's why I wanted to do it because I have a special place in my heart for The Nutcracker.

[10:59] I listen to its music fairly frequently.

[11:01] I like to sing the music along to my kids and it really irritates them.

[11:05] I'll just go.

[11:11] I went through that period that everyone goes through when you're a nutty buddy where you find the Arabian dance to be very boring as a kid.

[11:23] And then as an adult, you're like, oh, this is maybe the most beautiful song in the entire show.

[11:27] You know, all that stuff.

[11:27] So anyway, The Nutcracker and the Four Realms.

[11:29] Should we talk about what happens in it?

[11:32] Are you guys familiar with the original story of The Nutcracker in the original ballet?

Dan McCoy

[11:38] So like this kid gets a nutcracker, right?

[11:42] Yes.

[11:42] And she goes to bed and the nutcracker comes alive.

[11:49] Well, her little brother breaks that shit, right?

[11:51] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[11:51] Her little brother breaks it.

[11:53] And there's a rat king.

[11:55] Okay.

[11:56] That they fight.

Dan McCoy

[11:57] Yeah, good enough.

[11:58] Okay.

[11:59] Keep going.

[12:00] And the whole second act actually happens after they defeat the rat king or something like that?

[12:06] It's like a weirdly unbalanced ballet because then they just celebrate for a long time?

Elliott Kalan

[12:11] The second act is literally just them sitting and watching dances for a long time.

[12:15] They go and – so the – okay.

[12:17] So how are they going to turn that into a fantasy quest movie?

[12:19] Let's find out.

[12:20] Nutcracker and the Four Realms.

[12:21] It's Christmas in 19th century CGI London.

[12:24] It's not a CGI movie, but we have one of those flybys of a city where it's all computer graphic.

[12:29] Yeah.

[12:29] Like everything looks very computery.

[12:31] But everyone is frolicking.

[12:33] Christmas in London.

[12:34] Oh, what a joyous time.

[12:35] It couldn't be better.

[12:36] Right, guys?

[12:37] Oh, it couldn't be.

Stuart Wellington

[12:39] I guess.

[12:39] Except there is a dead mom.

[12:41] We'll get to that in a second.

Elliott Kalan

[12:43] We'll get to that.

[12:43] We're introduced to Clara who's a girl who loves contraptions.

[12:46] She loves steampunk cogs and gears.

[12:50] And here's the thing.

[12:50] Normally I'd be like –

[12:51] She's like a Saruman.

[12:54] I don't know about that.

[12:55] She's like a regular Saruman, yeah.

[12:57] Normally in this I'd be like, ugh, enough of this.

[13:00] But there's actually – the original Nutcracker story is all about automatons and things like that.

[13:04] So it fits.

[13:05] Okay.

[13:07] So Clara, she and her brother make a mousetrap, like a Rube Goldberg-type mousetrap,

[13:12] that actually ends the way the mousetrap ends in the game mousetrap with Annette descending onto the mouse.

[13:17] And I'm like, wait a minute.

[13:18] So is it implied that they invented the game mousetrap?

[13:20] That's a different movie.

[13:22] Suddenly it's like that Greg Kinnear movie where he invents the windshield wiper or whatever.

[13:25] And I'm like, am I supposed to care about this?

[13:27] Is that called Scroke of Genius or something like that?

[13:30] Yeah, it was called Scroed of Genius.

Dan McCoy

[13:31] About how he was sponging his scrotum down one day and he's like, oh, I wonder what a good way to dry my scrotum would be.

[13:42] So he invents a scrotum dryer, but then he realizes it would work much better on cars.

[13:47] Yeah.

[13:48] I mean –

Stuart Wellington

[13:48] Yeah, probably.

[13:50] That's probably what it's about.

Dan McCoy

[13:50] Wait, do you think a windshield wiper dries?

[13:53] It wasn't dry, but it whisks away moisture.

Elliott Kalan

[13:58] So you're saying that he was going through the methodical process all us men know of drying your scrotum.

[14:03] It takes forever.

[14:04] And he said there's got to be a better, quicker way.

[14:06] And he invented a kind of little wick, like a little John Wick that he could use.

Dan McCoy

[14:12] You just squeegee it off is what I'm saying.

Stuart Wellington

[14:14] Yeah, I mean a scrotum is very – I mean I feel like the natural cleaning product would be a long piece of flat rubber.

[14:25] Well, what is this?

Elliott Kalan

[14:26] He took a regular straight razor or safety razor.

[14:31] What?

[14:31] He took the blade out and put rubber on the end of it.

[14:34] And he turned it into like this little squeegee.

[14:36] Yeah.

[14:36] Okay.

[14:37] So that's Greg Kinnear, Scroed of Genius.

[14:39] Anyway, so Clara has a brother, a sister, and a dead mom.

[14:43] And their dad – they're all sad.

[14:45] And their dad gives them their mother's final Christmas gifts to them.

[14:48] Clara gets a metal egg that has a keyhole in it but no key.

[14:52] It's locked.

[14:52] What is she going to do?

[14:54] And now father is –

Stuart Wellington

[14:55] Her little brother gets some toy soldiers.

[14:59] And that kid fucking whips those out and starts battling right away.

Elliott Kalan

[15:03] Instantly.

[15:04] Right after –

Stuart Wellington

[15:05] A kid after my own heart, you know.

Elliott Kalan

[15:06] He's like, toy soldiers, cool.

[15:08] They've surrounded us.

[15:09] Ah, ah, get them.

[15:10] Bah, bah, bah.

[15:10] And I'm like, how do they even get into this battle?

[15:12] Where is he fighting?

[15:13] What's going on?

Stuart Wellington

[15:14] Yeah, you got to set the scene, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[15:16] And the older sister gets her mom's favorite dress.

[15:19] And there's this very creepy moment where she puts it on and she goes, how do I look to the dad?

[15:23] And the dad is like, great.

[15:25] And it's just a very weird moment.

[15:27] Yeah.

[15:27] Also, it's a weird dress.

Stuart Wellington

[15:27] Before he starts demanding dances.

Elliott Kalan

[15:30] Yeah.

[15:31] So the father is mad because Clara is too sad to keep up appearances at the Christmas Eve ball they're going to.

[15:37] He wants to have a dance with each of his daughters.

[15:39] And Clara is like, I don't want to dance.

[15:42] It's just like that song Fred Astaire sang about how he's not going to dance.

[15:45] Anyway.

[15:46] So they go – let's talk about the Christmas Eve parties at their godfather's house.

[15:51] Their godfather is Drosselmeyer.

[15:54] Uh-oh.

[15:54] He is.

[15:55] Describe him, Stuart, because I'm sure you thought he was pretty cool.

Stuart Wellington

[15:58] Yeah, he's like a cool old wizard played by Morgan Freeman with an owl friend like David Bowie in Labyrinth.

[16:04] And he's got a bunch of fucking toys in his basement.

[16:08] And –

[16:08] Like the opposite of an Aerosmith album.

[16:11] And he –

Elliott Kalan

[16:12] Because the toys –

[16:13] Because they're not in the attic.

[16:15] Yeah, or would it be –

Stuart Wellington

[16:17] Would it be –

[16:19] What's the opposite of a toy?

[16:21] Like math?

[16:22] Like a tool?

[16:23] I don't know.

[16:25] We'll work it out.

Elliott Kalan

[16:26] I like the idea that you're like he's the opposite of an Aerosmith album in that he wears an eyepatch, whereas Aerosmith does not wear eyepatches.

[16:33] And also he doesn't sing about love in an elevator, whereas Aerosmith does sing about love in an elevator.

[16:38] Yeah, it's a binary system.

[16:40] Also, we're given no evidence to believe that he has a drug habit of any kind, whereas the Aerosmith members had very bad drug habits.

Stuart Wellington

[16:46] Although his workshop is filled with things that are crazy amazing and afterwards I was crying.

Dan McCoy

[16:55] But all of his microphone stands have no scarves on them.

[16:58] Oh, yes.

Stuart Wellington

[16:59] So this is like a spot the difference game you would play so far.

Elliott Kalan

[17:03] Yeah, and Drosselmeyer is a kindly old godfather who cares about his charges as opposed to Steven Tyler who is a monster who did terrible things to a young woman when he was at the height of his fame.

[17:16] Yeah.

[17:16] So just –

[17:18] Bring him a stab.

[17:20] Look, I just don't want to let Steven Tyler be a subject of fun without pointing out that he's a major criminal creep.

[17:25] Anyway, so Drosselmeyer, he's an inventor.

[17:28] He's got all this stuff.

[17:29] It turns out that he raised Clara's mom when Clara's mom was a girl because I guess her parents died because in worlds of fantasy and whimsy, parents are always dying.

[17:38] Yeah.

[17:38] There's no way to get around it.

Stuart Wellington

[17:40] I'm sure there's been like some horrible story in a movie where like a kid watches all these videos – like sees all these movies about like orphans having an amazing life and then just like kills their parents.

[17:52] That's got to be a horror movie somewhere, right?

Elliott Kalan

[17:55] Yeah, yeah.

[17:55] I think it's called Kill Your Parents, the movie.

[17:59] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[18:01] Wow.

[18:02] Solid improv from all of us.

Elliott Kalan

[18:04] Anyway.

Dan McCoy

[18:04] I'm amazed I got through the studio system, but go on.

Elliott Kalan

[18:08] Yeah, it was made in 1943.

[18:09] That's the weird thing.

[18:11] And it stars Joan Fontaine.

[18:13] And so Drosselmeyer, he made that egg for Clara's mom.

[18:17] And he says, oh, you need a key for it.

[18:19] It's a very complicated lock, which Clara already knew because she's a – because Clara does machines just like Donatello.

[18:25] And now here's the thing.

[18:27] He doesn't say, oh, yeah, I made that egg.

[18:29] I can tell you what's inside it.

[18:30] He goes, oh, I made that for her.

[18:31] I guess you'll need the key to figure out the mystery.

[18:34] It's like, just tell her what's in the egg.

[18:36] Come on.

[18:37] He tasks his owl with keeping an eye on Clara while Clara goes to find this key.

[18:42] Father's mad Clara's not dancing with him.

[18:44] Then it's gift time.

[18:45] Drosselmeyer gives Fritz a nutcracker soldier.

[18:48] And Clara follows a string past owl wallpaper and turns into rat wallpaper and then back into owl wallpaper.

[18:54] Long, dark hallways that lead to a spooky tunnel.

[18:57] And this string leads her into a Narnia-like winter wonderland.

Stuart Wellington

[19:00] Yeah, like a weird anus in the wall, right?

[19:04] That turns into a tree.

Elliott Kalan

[19:06] I guess.

[19:07] I mean, from the inside, it does look kind of like a pebbly anus, I guess.

[19:10] Yeah, sure.

[19:11] It's revealed to be an overturned tree trunk.

[19:13] But, yeah, I guess the first thing you would assume is a giant anus.

[19:16] I guess that she's somehow crawling out of the back end of the sarlacc to get her Christmas present.

[19:22] Yeah.

[19:23] Now, guys, this movie we should mention, it was co-directed by two people.

[19:28] Lassie Hallstrom, who you may remember as the director of, like, The Cider House Rules and What's Eating Gilbert Grape.

[19:34] And also, apparently, I didn't realize this until I learned today, almost all the ABBA music videos.

[19:39] Oh, wow.

[19:40] He should have directed Mamma Mia and Mamma Mia Here I Go Again.

[19:45] Are you saying it?

Dan McCoy

[19:45] Why are you saying it, Mamma Mia?

[19:48] Because he thinks it's about a mummy that, like, has three male suitors.

[19:53] I mean, mummies are usually, like, ridiculously wealthy, right?

[19:58] I guess, I mean, if you count, like, being buried with a bunch of servants wealthy.

[20:04] Cannot and charters and stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[20:05] I mean, usually, it's rare that poor people are buried with a lot of golden servants, Dan.

[20:09] So, yes, I think mummies are wealthy.

Stuart Wellington

[20:10] So, I can see why a mummy would have multiple suitors, is what I'm trying to say.

Elliott Kalan

[20:15] And it was co-directed with him and Joe Johnston, who I guess they decided, we want you to bring the same level of excitement you brought to the Rocketeer and Captain America to this ballet movie.

[20:24] It's an interesting combination, and through much of the movie, I was trying to figure out who directed what.

[20:29] I'm guessing Joe Johnston directed the effects parts.

Dan McCoy

[20:32] I gotta say, like, maybe this is the right time to say it.

[20:34] Like, the look of this movie, I feel, is not bad.

Elliott Kalan

[20:37] It looks much better than I thought it was going to.

Dan McCoy

[20:40] Like, there's all these sort of generic fantasy movies out there that rely heavily on CGI and such.

[20:47] And a lot of this seems to be done with more, like, elaborate sets.

[20:52] And when it is CGI, it's not gaudy CGI.

[20:54] Like, it's a pretty movie.

[20:57] I found it very dull, but, like, the look of it is nice.

Stuart Wellington

[21:00] Yeah, I feel like they don't too often throw, I mean, I could be wrong.

[21:07] Maybe I was looking at my phone, but I don't think too often they, like, throw big CGI scenes in your face and they're, like, expect the audience to just sit there in, like, amazement at the thing playing out before their eyes.

[21:22] Which is one of those, which is all too common where you're like, no, I get it.

[21:26] You can do that with computers now.

[21:27] It's a big deal.

[21:29] Like, it's not like you're showing me Mad Max Fury Road or something.

Elliott Kalan

[21:33] Now, here's the thing I'm going to say that might seem a little weird.

[21:36] I actually found the colors in the movie to be much more coherent than in a lot of movies I've seen lately where it's, like, a lot of movies lately I feel like have been in that same, what's that color palette that everybody uses now where it's, like, cyan and orange or something like that.

[21:53] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[21:53] Where it's the, uh, it, I don't remember what, I'm sure I got it wrong.

[21:56] Tweet at me.

[21:57] Add Elliot Kalin.

[21:58] Correct me about the colors.

[21:59] But the colors in this, it was like, oh, these feel like bright, like, bold, living colors as opposed to just, like, here are four different colors and we're just going to slather them everywhere or, like, we're going to make it look really gloomy and dark.

[22:11] Like, it's a color, it's like, it is a pretty movie.

[22:13] So, especially when it goes into this Narnia-like winter wonderland, I was like, oh, this actually looks like a pleasant place to spend a movie as opposed to, like, you know, uh, it doesn't look like it's made out of CGI candy or something like that.

[22:25] Okay, anyway, she gets the key to this thing, but a mouse steals it.

[22:28] She chases the mouse until she finds a living nutcracker soldier guarding the bridge to the fourth realm, which is at war with the other three realms.

[22:36] And at this point, it's like, hold on, you're loading a lot of world building on me at this moment.

Stuart Wellington

[22:40] Like, oh, God, I guess I'll get out my source book on the four realms.

Elliott Kalan

[22:45] Yep.

[22:46] The captain's name is Hoffman, a nice little Easter egg.

[22:49] Yeah, he's named after Philip Seymour Hoffman.

[22:53] It's probably, I assume it's a tip of the hat to E.T.A. Hoffman, the man who created the original short story about the nutcracker.

Stuart Wellington

[22:59] I think it's a reference to Philip Seymour Hoffman.

[23:02] I mean, his name is Philip Hoffman, right?

[23:02] Who used a nutcracker a lot to eat nuts.

Elliott Kalan

[23:07] Because his name is Philip Hoffman, right?

[23:09] Yeah.

[23:10] Yeah.

[23:10] He says, oh, you're a princess.

[23:13] Also, I have a horse named Jingles.

[23:14] This horse is not given the personality you'd expect a horse named Jingles to have.

[23:18] It never talks.

[23:20] It never dances.

[23:21] They just kind of, there's a part where it runs off and he goes, coward.

[23:24] And then the horse comes back.

[23:25] And I'm like, is that all we're going to get out of a horse named Jingles?

[23:27] Like, you're writing checks your body can't cash by naming this horse Jingles.

[23:32] I'm sorry.

[23:32] I'm expecting a lot more.

[23:33] They chase after the mouse.

[23:35] The mouse joins a big cloud of mice that form into a giant mouse king.

[23:39] And they run away from that, too.

Stuart Wellington

[23:41] Yeah.

[23:42] And the giant mouse king is like a massive collection of mouse bodies, like in that Clyde Barker short story in the Hills of the Cities, or when Squirrel Girl makes squirrel armor out of a bunch of squirrels.

Elliott Kalan

[23:53] Yeah, exactly.

[23:54] And it's a play, I guess, on the idea of a rat king.

[23:56] I mean, the mouse king in the nutcracker often has multiple heads because it's playing off the idea of a rat king, which is, you guys know, right?

[24:03] When a bunch of rats get their tails all tangled together and they merge into one organism.

Dan McCoy

[24:07] Yeah, it's Dennis Duffy, dummy.

[24:08] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[24:08] Is that an actual thing?

[24:11] Because I only learned about it through 30 rocks.

[24:13] No, it is not an actual thing.

[24:13] It is one of the less impressive cryptids.

[24:17] It's like, in cryptozoology, it's like Bigfoot, Loch Ness Monster, Jersey Devil.

[24:22] Leather Man.

[24:24] Yeah.

[24:24] And then you've got a bunch of rats got tied up together.

[24:29] Like, okay, what are we going to go out and look for today?

[24:32] Are we going out for the Yeti?

[24:33] Are we going out for Champ, the beast of Lake Champlain?

[24:39] We're going to look for a bunch of rats that got tied together by accident.

Dan McCoy

[24:42] I mean, it's a lot easier for carnivals, though.

[24:44] They can just, like, catch three rats and, like, get, like, the horse-faced boy to tie their tails together.

[24:50] And then you've got a rat king.

[24:50] The horse-faced boy?

Elliott Kalan

[24:51] Hold on.

[24:51] Are you talking about jingles?

[24:52] Because that was a horse, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[24:54] Do you think every time Xander Cannon's whipping up a new issue of Kaiju Max, he's going through his big book of cryptids?

Dan McCoy

[25:01] And he gets to the rat king pages and just flips real quick.

Elliott Kalan

[25:06] Yeah.

[25:07] He just sees so many pages on rat kings.

[25:09] They're so, just rats tied together.

[25:11] Although, here's the thing.

[25:12] You know who tied those rats together?

[25:14] Go on.

[25:14] God.

[25:15] The Mothman.

[25:15] Okay, the Mothman.

[25:16] Oh, okay.

[25:17] Yeah.

[25:17] He was like, I prophecy that these rats will get tied together.

[25:20] And then he did it to himself.

[25:22] You know, he went down together.

[25:23] And somebody was like, Mothman, it doesn't count as a prophecy if you just do it afterwards.

[25:27] Like, that's called a promise.

Dan McCoy

[25:29] And then he goes, I prophesize my fist in your face.

Stuart Wellington

[25:32] Do you think there's a time where Richard Gere would walk down the street and people would be like, hey, Mothman.

Elliott Kalan

[25:38] And he's like, understandable mistake.

[25:40] I'm not actually the Mothman.

[25:42] I'm the man searching for the Mothman.

[25:45] Hey, you played Mothman, didn't you?

[25:47] Like most of America, I guess you didn't see that movie.

[25:50] It's not about a superhero.

[25:50] My favorite superhero, yeah.

[25:53] Mothman, he's got the power to eat sweaters.

[25:56] Nope, that's a power we all have if we try hard enough.

[26:00] Allow me to demonstrate.

[26:02] And he dips a sweater into like tomato sauce and just slurps it down.

[26:06] It's like so much.

[26:07] Because Dan, when you think about it, isn't a sweater just a bunch of spaghetti tied together like a rat king?

Stuart Wellington

[26:13] That's absolutely true.

[26:14] I'm glad you chose tomato sauce instead of soup because that would be the domain of the broth man.

[26:21] Oh.

Elliott Kalan

[26:21] Oh.

[26:22] Oh.

Stuart Wellington

[26:23] I refuse.

Elliott Kalan

[26:27] Okay, so they escape from the Mouse King.

[26:29] They encounter Mother Ginger, which at this point seems to be a huge clockwork lady.

[26:34] Now Mother Ginger, as you guys remember from the ballet, right?

[26:38] She has a giant skirt and her children live inside her skirt.

[26:41] So they made her an actual giant thing for this moment in the movie.

[26:44] Yeah, I'm into it.

[26:45] And it's a huge, everybody loves it every time you see the ballet when she opens her skirt and all the kids run out and dance.

[26:51] And then they run back into her skirt and then she walks off again.

[26:54] Huge applause moment.

[26:55] Guys, it's an iconic ballet moment.

[26:58] So I'm sure you were like, oh, that's how they're doing Mother Ginger.

Stuart Wellington

[27:00] Yeah, I would like them to, when I saw it, I'm glad they turned it into a space orc gargant mech that is stomping around and shit.

Elliott Kalan

[27:10] Yeah.

[27:11] So they go to the, I guess, the first realm or it's like the castle where all the realms are ruled by.

[27:17] And she's greeted by, as a princess, once she's introduced to the two comedy relief gatekeepers who the less said the better.

[27:24] But they're kind of the C-3PO and R2-D2 of the movie in that they are, I don't know, vaguely robots.

[27:31] I guess they're not.

[27:32] Anyway, she's introduced.

Dan McCoy

[27:33] He threw that away awfully quick.

Elliott Kalan

[27:36] She's introduced, because there's really, they're not comparable at all.

[27:38] R2-D2 and C-3PO are lovable, iconic characters.

[27:41] And you're just kind of two, like, doofs.

[27:43] She's introduced, and everybody has, like, weird hair and mustaches.

[27:47] Like, they're in the capital in The Hunger Games or they're in the Emerald City or something.

[27:51] It's, when you go to a fantasy world, rule number one, everyone's going to have weird facial hair.

[27:56] It just happens.

Stuart Wellington

[27:57] Mm-hmm.

[27:58] Yeah.

[27:59] I mean, that's the ultimate fantasy.

[28:01] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[28:02] Well, I mean, it sort of is in a way.

[28:04] I was thinking, like, I saw, like, an old man on, like, the TV recently.

[28:09] Like, he was, like, in a news report.

[28:11] He's just one of those guys you see in the back of a news report.

[28:13] You're like, I'd rather know what's going on with that guy because look at his facial hair.

[28:17] And I'm like, man, I can't wait until I'm an old guy so I can have crazy facial hair.

Elliott Kalan

[28:22] I mean, you could do that now, Dan.

[28:23] No.

[28:23] You just also have to wear suspenders and be a mixologist.

Dan McCoy

[28:26] Yeah, that's the problem.

[28:26] I don't want to be that guy.

[28:27] I want to be the old guy with the facial hair.

[28:29] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[28:29] Are you sure that old guy wasn't just David Crosby?

Elliott Kalan

[28:35] I think you're referring, Dan, I think you're talking about the classic song,

[28:39] old man, look at my facial hair.

[28:40] I'm a lot like you.

Stuart Wellington

[28:42] Yeah.

[28:42] I mean, if you look at history books, man, if you see all these pictures of the old fuckers,

[28:46] and they're all over the place, man.

[28:48] It's crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[28:49] That's one of my favorite history books is Old Fuckers, Volume 1 through 10.

[28:54] No, I mean, I am currently, I've been working on this for a long time.

[28:57] I'm still working on my screenplay about Chester Arthur, and every time I'm, like, flagging on it,

[29:01] I look at his facial hair and I'm like, I gotta do this for you.

[29:04] I gotta do it for you.

[29:05] Yeah.

[29:06] Okay, so, they're introduced to the regents of the other realms.

[29:11] There's the regents of the realm of, regent of flowers, regent of ice, and regent of sweets.

Stuart Wellington

[29:16] So now, we got some star power at this point.

Elliott Kalan

[29:18] Oh yeah, because Richard E. Grant is the region of ice, right?

[29:20] Uh-huh.

[29:21] And Keira Knightley is the region of sweets, and I don't know who played the flowers.

Stuart Wellington

[29:26] Uh, it's what's, uh, it's what's his name?

[29:28] That guy from, uh, the remake of Overboard.

Elliott Kalan

[29:30] I feel like I hadn't.

[29:31] He's been in a ton of shit.

Stuart Wellington

[29:32] Um, is it Eugenio Derbez?

Elliott Kalan

[29:35] It's, uh, yeah, Eugenio Derbez.

[29:37] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[29:37] Yeah, yeah, and that guy's like a huge movie star.

[29:40] I mean, he is.

[29:41] Sure.

[29:42] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[29:42] I mean, he's not, he's not Keira Knightley.

Dan McCoy

[29:45] No, that's true.

[29:45] I was kind of happy to see Keira Knightley, because I felt like I haven't seen her in a while, guys.

Stuart Wellington

[29:49] Yeah, yeah, it's a time to check on her.

[29:50] Well, you should call her up, Dan.

[29:51] She's, she's been asking about you.

[29:52] What's KK been up to?

[29:54] Mm-hmm.

[29:55] And you know what?

[29:56] Richard, Richard E. Grant, man, he's just loving it.

Elliott Kalan

[29:59] Oh, he's great.

[30:00] I mean, in the same year that he's nominated for an Academy Award for, uh, what I thought

[30:03] was the best supporting performance of the year, and can, can you ever forgive me, he

[30:07] also gets to put a bunch of ice on his face and be basically Jack Frost.

Stuart Wellington

[30:11] Yeah, I mean, um, I do kind of want to check in on him, because, uh, Babs just got canceled

[30:16] for saying that fucked up shit, but, you know, it's, it's, he's probably okay.

Elliott Kalan

[30:20] And he's a huge Babs head.

[30:22] Yeah.

[30:22] But, uh, so here's the thing that, here's a moment I had where I was like, so anyway,

[30:27] uh, it was, I was, it was, there was a moment where I was like, oh, these are big stars.

[30:30] But I realized what a thin line it is between iconic fantasy character design and kind of

[30:36] silly, ridiculous fantasy character design.

[30:38] And these designs are not bad.

[30:40] They're pretty good.

[30:41] But like, I think in my head, like there's like the scarecrow and the tin man from Wizard

[30:45] of Oz are so iconic and seem so perfect to me.

[30:48] Yeah.

[30:48] And yet what is the difference between them and Richard E. Grant with a bunch of fucking

[30:52] icicles hanging all over his face.

[30:54] And his fingers are long.

[30:56] And his long icicle fingers, like there's a world where that becomes an iconic character

[31:01] that is merchandised like crazy.

[31:03] But I mean, like what is so much better about a scarecrow with straw coming out of him than

[31:07] an ice man with icicles coming out of him?

[31:09] Dan, explain.

Dan McCoy

[31:10] Well, I don't have an explanation, but the way you're describing Richard E. Grant made me

[31:13] like to imagine that the way the makeup people did it is they just like sprayed a hose on

[31:18] Richard E. Grant.

[31:18] And they're like, go stand outside for a while, Richard.

[31:21] And he's like, I'm an iconic character actor.

[31:25] I'm not going to stand outside until icicles form on my face.

[31:29] And you do it for your art.

[31:31] This is California.

Elliott Kalan

[31:35] It's not nearly cold enough.

[31:37] Joe Johnson was like, don't make me get Captain America to beat you up with his shield.

[31:42] And Richard E. Grant's like, it's a fictional character.

[31:44] And then Chris Evans shows up with that shield and is like, no, we've become one.

[31:48] I need to take you down, Jack Frost or whatever.

[31:52] With mail.

[31:53] And then it becomes the fight we've always wanted to see in the comics of Captain America

[31:56] versus Captain Cold.

[31:57] And you're like, but he's a Flash villain.

[31:59] I know.

[32:00] That's why I want to see it so badly.

[32:03] So.

[32:04] All right.

[32:05] So anyway.

[32:05] There's four realms.

[32:06] There's four realms.

[32:07] There's a region for each realm.

[32:10] Candyland.

[32:10] There's the realm of sweets.

[32:11] Parcheesi.

[32:11] The realm of flowers.

[32:12] The realm of ice.

[32:13] And Parcheesi.

[32:14] And the realm of amusements.

[32:16] Because it's divided into the things kids love most.

[32:18] Games.

[32:19] Candy.

[32:20] Flowers.

[32:20] And ice.

[32:21] All of those kids love.

[32:25] I mean, kids do love to chew on ice.

[32:27] So.

[32:28] And Mother Ginger was the regent of amusements.

[32:30] And she tried to take over the other realms.

[32:32] And now it's a war between them.

[32:35] And Keira Knightley's character is really scared.

[32:37] She doesn't know what to do.

[32:38] Her name is Sugar Plum.

[32:40] Right?

[32:40] Yeah.

[32:41] Like the Sugar Plum Fairies.

[32:42] And time moves differently in this realm.

[32:44] It moves faster.

[32:45] So she can have this whole adventure.

[32:47] And it's just going to.

[32:48] She can go back to the Christmas Eve party.

[32:49] Anyway.

[32:50] No, that's great.

[32:50] She gets a.

[32:51] She gets.

[32:52] She's a princess.

[32:52] So she gets a makeover from Sugar Plum.

[32:55] She has a coming out ball.

[32:56] And they watch a ballet starring famous ballet dancer Misty Copeland.

[33:01] About.

[33:02] That basically tells the story of her mom's discovery of the four realms.

[33:07] And using a machine called.

[33:09] Anyway, I'll get to that.

[33:10] And this is basically just kind of parts of the Nutcracker in a way.

[33:14] But the way they do it is kind of neat.

[33:15] I like the way they had the sets kind of folding out and everything like that.

Stuart Wellington

[33:19] Yeah.

[33:19] I like the.

[33:19] I like the little stage that the floor that she's dancing on.

[33:23] Where the.

[33:24] You know.

[33:24] Like flowers are blooming and shit.

Elliott Kalan

[33:26] Yes.

[33:26] And also.

[33:27] It's like.

[33:28] Much of.

[33:29] The Nutcracker.

[33:29] As we said.

[33:30] Is just them sitting and watching dances.

[33:31] So it's like.

[33:32] Okay.

[33:32] They managed to incorporate that.

[33:33] And we learn how Mother Ginger.

[33:35] She took on.

[33:36] She with her clockwork mice.

[33:38] That.

[33:39] How.

[33:39] Took over the fourth realm.

[33:40] And.

[33:40] And made everything bad happen.

[33:42] Now.

[33:42] Here's where the movie took a turn.

[33:44] I didn't care for quite as much.

[33:46] Similar to the.

Stuart Wellington

[33:47] Keys.

[33:47] Turning in the back of the.

[33:49] Mice dancers.

[33:51] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[33:52] Is that.

[33:53] She then goes.

[33:53] Now all of us were toys.

[33:55] And we were brought to life by a machine.

[33:56] Your mom invented.

[33:57] Called the engine.

[33:58] And we need a special key.

[33:59] To use the engine.

[34:00] To make an army of soldiers.

[34:02] To defeat Mother Ginger.

[34:03] But Mother Ginger has the key.

[34:05] Because that mouse stole it.

[34:06] And I'm like.

[34:06] Ugh.

[34:07] Like.

[34:07] Okay.

[34:07] Too much origin.

[34:08] That all sounds right.

[34:10] I just want a magic world.

[34:11] Where magic things happen.

[34:12] Like.

[34:12] I don't need you to explain.

[34:13] How these characters came to life.

[34:14] Like.

[34:14] Come on.

[34:15] Dan.

[34:16] I see you looking skeptical.

[34:17] Did you like all this.

[34:18] All this origin story stuff?

Dan McCoy

[34:20] Uh.

[34:20] It's as if you're telling it to me for the first time Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[34:23] Now I know you told me you were folding laundry I think.

[34:26] While you were.

[34:27] I was.

[34:27] You were watching this.

[34:28] So.

[34:28] Tell me about the laundry that it was so engrossing.

[34:31] That you were unable to pay attention to the movie.

[34:32] While you were folding your clothes.

Stuart Wellington

[34:34] Dan's side gig.

[34:35] His side hustle.

[34:36] Is he folds laundry for people.

[34:38] And his boss doesn't like him watching movies while he does it.

[34:41] So he had to do it on the sly.

Dan McCoy

[34:42] Yeah.

[34:42] I was watching it.

[34:43] I was actually watching the movie on one of those laundromat televisions.

[34:48] That they have.

[34:48] Oh.

Elliott Kalan

[34:48] So you couldn't even hear anything.

[34:49] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[34:50] Every once in a while I'd get a snatch of like.

[34:52] Score.

[34:53] And that was all I heard.

[34:55] So.

[34:55] Now.

Elliott Kalan

[34:56] Yeah.

[34:56] Here's the thing.

[34:57] I imagine you.

[34:58] Because I imagined you.

[34:59] Like.

[34:59] You have a button down shirt.

[35:01] And you're like.

[35:01] Ah.

[35:02] How to fold this without wrinkles.

[35:03] This will be a devilish dance.

[35:05] This will take all of my cunning and focus.

[35:09] Uh.

[35:09] I have an.

[35:10] It appears I have a nut to crack.

[35:12] How to keep the crease perfect in these slacks.

[35:14] Hmm.

[35:15] Well.

[35:16] I think you've met your match.

[35:18] Dockers.

Dan McCoy

[35:18] Yeah.

[35:19] I mean.

[35:20] It was a combination between the laundry.

[35:21] And the fact that.

[35:22] It's possible there have been few films we've watched.

[35:25] That I found less interesting than this one.

Elliott Kalan

[35:27] Okay.

[35:28] Dan.

[35:28] Can I say my other thing that I thought you were going to say?

[35:30] Yes.

[35:30] Please.

[35:31] Hmm.

[35:31] Cargo shorts.

[35:32] Will you a cargo into the drawer?

Dan McCoy

[35:36] I resent the implication that I have any cargo shorts.

Stuart Wellington

[35:40] Yeah.

[35:40] I'm sorry.

[35:40] I was thinking about when my brother folds his clothes.

[35:42] It was from that Guy Fieri Halloween costume you made last year.

Elliott Kalan

[35:45] Which you continue to launder and keep folded just in case.

[35:51] Just in case a crime break breaks out and you have to go fight it as Fieri guy.

Dan McCoy

[35:55] I actually put those behind a glass case on the wall that says in case of emergency break glass.

[36:02] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[36:03] In case of donkey sauce break glass.

[36:05] Flavortown is safe for one more night.

[36:10] So Clara has kind of a dream memory about her mother telling her, you're unique and everything you need is inside this egg.

[36:16] And it's unclear to me if her mother discovered the realms or made them.

[36:21] Whatever.

[36:22] She was the queen of the realms then disappeared.

[36:23] Clara goes out.

[36:24] She sees a shooting star, feels a breeze and an owl hoots at her.

[36:28] And she's like, you're right.

[36:29] I do need to go to the fourth realm.

[36:31] Thanks, dead mom.

[36:32] I was like, okay.

[36:33] So just anything that happens is a sign from your mom, I guess.

[36:36] They go to the fourth, she and Hoffman, the Nutcracker soldier, they go to the fourth realm.

[36:41] It's all spooky clowns, statues and old carousels.

[36:44] Clara gets captured and taken into the giant clockwork mother ginger mech.

[36:48] So some nested doll clowns can jump around and be all hyperactive in what I guarantee you,

[36:52] if my son had watched the movie with me, would have been the scariest scene in the movie for him.

[36:56] Because it's literally, these clowns are just jumping in front of the camera,

[36:59] making their face go too close to the lens.

[37:01] And you're like, what is this?

[37:02] The greatest showman?

[37:03] Like what's with all these creepy dancing clowns?

[37:05] Like what's going on?

Stuart Wellington

[37:06] Yeah, and I kind of like the weird body horror stuff of the clowns being kind of like Russian nesting dolls

[37:11] and like their bodies flipping open at a hinge and other little guys jumping out of them.

[37:16] That was pretty cool.

Elliott Kalan

[37:17] Yeah, it was actually kind of neat.

[37:18] It would have been great if it was supposed to be scary, but I'm not sure it's supposed to.

[37:22] And Clara meets the real mother ginger, played by everyone's favorite, Helen Mirren.

Stuart Wellington

[37:27] Who looks very nonplussed to be in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[37:31] Yeah, she doesn't seem like she's really that excited.

[37:33] It's similar to Morgan Freeman, who is like, actually, I thought, gives one of his more naturalistic recent performances

[37:39] because he doesn't seem to care very much.

[37:42] So he doesn't pour on the full Andy Dufresne crawl through so many miles of shit and mud

[37:48] that I don't even want to think about it.

[37:49] Like that kind of stuff.

[37:50] Yeah.

[37:51] Clara's like, give me the key.

[37:56] And Mother Ginger's like, no, no, you don't understand.

[37:57] We're all in danger.

[37:59] But Clara gets the key.

[38:00] She inserts it in the egg and reveals.

[38:02] A chicken fetus.

[38:04] A chicken fetus.

[38:06] And she gobbles on down.

[38:07] And they're like, no, no, you're just supposed to eat the yolk.

[38:09] The yolk is the chicken fetus's food.

[38:12] She's like, I don't get it.

[38:13] It's an egg.

[38:14] I'm a kid.

[38:15] I don't know about eggs.

[38:16] No, what did she reveal?

[38:18] Sorry.

[38:19] She reveals it's a music box.

[38:20] Just like in that episode of The Simpsons where Homer and Lisa go to the museum

[38:24] and they see that Egyptian egg that turns out to be a music box.

[38:27] So yes, the Nutcracker in the Four Realms is stealing plot points from episodes of The Simpsons.

[38:32] Look, we've all done it.

[38:34] And Clara's like, what the fuck?

[38:36] It's just a fucking music box?

[38:37] Like, what is this shit?

[38:38] Like, she's really disappointed.

Dan McCoy

[38:40] I would love it if that was the literal, this is a big, big family Disney movie.

[38:45] And then, like, it's been played totally straight until then.

[38:48] What the fuck?

[38:49] What the fuck is this?

[38:51] My fucking mom?

[38:52] What the?

[38:53] Who the shit?

[38:54] She gets super blue.

Elliott Kalan

[38:55] And Hoffman, the Nutcracker soldier, is like, Clara, I think we should control ourselves.

[39:00] And she's like, cram it, ass face.

[39:02] Let's get out of here.

[39:04] Jingles, you're with me.

[39:05] We're going back to my realm.

[39:06] Yeah.

[39:07] Anyway, so she's like, I don't think I can do this.

[39:11] Hoffman gives her a pep talk and she's like, okay, I can do it.

[39:13] So she had her character crisis of faith in 20 seconds and it's all over.

[39:17] Meanwhile, she brings the key back and Sugar Plum uses the key to bring these big toy soldiers to life.

[39:23] Uh-oh.

[39:24] She takes over.

[39:25] She's really the bad guy.

[39:26] And she wanted the soldiers because she wanted to take over the realms.

[39:29] And she had cast out Mother Ginger for wanting to stand up to her evil plans.

[39:34] Were you guys surprised by this amazing twist?

Stuart Wellington

[39:36] I mean, I think it's a good lesson to teach kids about how you shouldn't, you know, with complex political structures, you shouldn't just like jump in there and start making crazy decisions, dude.

Dan McCoy

[39:50] That's right.

[39:51] It's true.

[39:52] Kids should not help a coup happen.

[39:55] Exactly, man.

Elliott Kalan

[39:57] It's a good point.

[39:58] I was just going to say never trust Keira Knightley is a good lesson.

[40:01] Like, KK, stay away.

[40:03] That's what I tell my kids.

[40:04] Wait, what did you say, Stuart?

[40:05] Sorry.

Stuart Wellington

[40:05] I'm just saying it's the small folk who suffer when you play the Game of Thrones, you know?

[40:09] That's true.

[40:10] Yeah.

[40:10] In this case.

[40:11] Copyright, Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[40:13] Oh, you coined that?

[40:15] I didn't realize that.

[40:18] So, yeah, it's a good lesson.

Stuart Wellington

[40:20] Can you send this podcast back in time?

Dan McCoy

[40:22] Yeah.

[40:23] Yes, I have that technology, but I'm trying to make money off of a podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[40:27] Yeah, watch Primer a couple more times and figure that shit out.

[40:31] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[40:31] Yeah, all you got to do is go to like a storage locker and crawl into a box and you go back in time.

[40:35] Remember?

[40:36] Just like in Primer.

[40:37] Yeah.

[40:37] Now, Stuart, if you found yourself in a yesterday type scenario where you fell into a parallel universe where George R.R. Martin did not exist, would you write those books and take all the credit?

Stuart Wellington

[40:48] That's, man, what an ethical question.

[40:53] I think that would be better served as a plot point on NBC's The Good Place starring me now.

[41:00] What?

Elliott Kalan

[41:01] Okay.

[41:01] Which character are you?

[41:03] Cheaty?

[41:04] You're Cheaty, right?

Stuart Wellington

[41:05] I think I'm pretty sure I've established I'm more of a Jason.

[41:09] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[41:12] Dan, I see you as more of a Ted Danson demon type.

Stuart Wellington

[41:15] Oh, wow.

[41:15] That's very, that's really charitable because I assumed he was a Cheaty.

Dan McCoy

[41:19] Yeah, I would certainly much more, I would rather be a Ted Danson.

[41:23] I mean, I don't know.

Stuart Wellington

[41:24] You're about as buff as Cheaty, right?

[41:26] You're sitting here with a shirt on and you're just ripped.

[41:29] Surprisingly ripped.

[41:31] And I ripped my pants.

[41:34] And Elliot is...

[41:35] Because I was fat.

[41:37] Elliot is giving you such a look of disdain and confusing.

Elliott Kalan

[41:41] I didn't know where those were.

[41:42] I was like, he ripped his pants like the Incredible Hulk?

[41:44] Dan, you're not that ripped, okay?

[41:47] Even Cheaty is not Incredible Hulk ripped.

[41:50] Come on.

Stuart Wellington

[41:50] Oh, God.

[41:51] He's pretty good.

[41:53] Oh, God.

[41:54] I mean, he's not a Rokusagi, but he's pretty shredded.

Elliott Kalan

[42:01] Okay, let's continue with this.

[42:03] So she said, she's like, lock them up to Clara and Hawking.

[42:07] And she also, she can use the machine to turn people back into toys.

[42:11] Uh-oh.

[42:12] And Clara's like, uh-oh.

[42:14] I have to believe in myself.

[42:15] My mom said everything I need is inside.

[42:17] She meant inside me, not inside some crazy egg.

[42:20] And it's like, yeah, of course, dude.

[42:22] Like, what did you think your mom was hiding inside this egg that she wouldn't just give to you?

[42:26] Like a big gun.

[42:27] I don't understand.

Dan McCoy

[42:28] There's just a big gun inside the egg.

Elliott Kalan

[42:30] I mean, that's basically the end of wizards.

[42:34] There's just a grenade inside.

[42:36] Yeah.

[42:38] So she finally figures out, I need to trust in myself.

[42:41] Clara and Hoffman, they escape.

[42:43] They're sneaking around the toy soldiers.

[42:44] A mouse helps them out.

[42:46] And Hoffman goes to warn Mother Ginger while Clara goes to the engine room via a waterwheel to try to shut it down.

[42:52] Mother Ginger's clowns and her big mech, they're fighting the toy soldiers.

[42:56] Clara manages to shut off the power to the engine, and she's fighting the soldiers amazingly well.

[43:01] She's like Hannah.

[43:02] She's like, knows all this kung fu, and she's like.

Stuart Wellington

[43:04] Yeah, they're also super slow, though.

[43:07] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[43:08] They're not very good toy soldiers.

Stuart Wellington

[43:10] No.

[43:11] Like, she's just.

[43:11] It's not like.

[43:12] She's hugging the body, dodging around.

[43:14] It's like a Dark Souls.

[43:15] Like, just avoid the slow slashes, and you'll be fine.

Elliott Kalan

[43:20] Mother Ginger shows up to help Clara out with a whip, which is not, I believe, part of it.

[43:24] I can't remember if there's a whip in the original ballet or not.

[43:26] Maybe there is.

[43:27] I can only assume.

[43:28] But maybe they were thinking of the ballet Indiana Jones and the Four Realms.

[43:33] Hoffman and the Mouse King turn up.

[43:35] They team up together because Mother Ginger's mice.

[43:38] It turns out are the good guys.

Stuart Wellington

[43:39] And there's like a hero mouse.

[43:41] It's what, like Mouse Winks?

[43:43] What's his name?

[43:43] His name is like Mouse Rinks or something like that.

Elliott Kalan

[43:46] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[43:46] I couldn't tell if that was the name of the mouse or what they just called all mice in the realms.

[43:52] This guy's got some.

[43:53] He's got some sass.

[43:55] Oh, yeah.

[43:55] He's got real attitude and ratitude.

[43:57] Like, he's a real.

[43:58] If he was a rescue ranger, well, he'd be Dale or Chip.

[44:02] He wouldn't be the mouse, Monterey Jack, because he's not interested.

[44:05] He's not a pilot who eats cheese all the time.

[44:07] What was Monterey Jack's deal?

Dan McCoy

[44:09] Dan?

[44:10] Yeah, he was really into cheese.

[44:14] Like, Zipper was his buddy, right?

[44:16] Like, they came together.

[44:17] Oh, yeah, the little fly.

[44:17] They were kind of a duo.

[44:19] Yeah.

[44:20] They were lovers, yeah.

[44:22] That's all I remember about.

[44:23] He was very loud.

[44:24] I think if there was like cheese behind a wall, he would like break through the wall to get to it or something.

[44:29] That would be like a useful use of his cheese fixation.

[44:33] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[44:34] He's like an ally in a video game where you can summon him and he'll break down walls for you.

[44:39] That's all I got.

Elliott Kalan

[44:40] Now, what was the girl who fixed things?

[44:41] Was she called Gadget?

Stuart Wellington

[44:42] She was called Gadget.

[44:43] Yeah, don't Google.

[44:44] Do not Google that.

[44:45] Do not Google.

Elliott Kalan

[44:46] Don't Google Gadget.

[44:48] A phrase which would, to anyone living 30 years ago, be the most insane gibberish.

[44:55] All right.

[44:57] There was a, I don't know if you guys, do you guys remember when there was, when CISO still existed?

[45:02] I hosted a, I was, I did a Q&A with the McElroy brothers about their show on it.

[45:07] And I asked them a question about like, do you think anyone, do you, when you hear, when you think someone will hear someone else say, hey, have you seen Mbim Bam on CISO?

[45:13] And they'll think that they've had a stroke and they can't understand language anymore.

[45:18] So anyway, this is the point in the movie where the bad guy gets very quippy.

[45:23] And it happens also in Tim Burton's Sleepy Hollow and in a bunch of other movies where suddenly the bad guy starts making like puns.

[45:29] And you're like, this has never been a part of their character, Diamond.

[45:32] Were they hiding it all this time?

[45:33] Because they assumed if people knew they made puns, they'd know they were bad guys.

[45:36] Like, what do you guys think?

Stuart Wellington

[45:37] You're like, wow, Keira Knightley's making a meal out of this one.

[45:40] Yeah, she's hamming it up.

Elliott Kalan

[45:41] I mean, here's the thing.

[45:42] Keira Knightley also like, she's really selling this role hard.

[45:46] Like, every word gets its own inflection.

[45:48] She's really embodying this evil sugar plum fairy.

Dan McCoy

[45:50] I was going to say it until Final Judgments, but that's one of the things, like, other than the way the movie looks, one of the things I liked about this movie was Keira Knightley.

[45:57] Because, like, she doesn't usually get to do this kind of shit.

[46:00] She has to be kind of like the demure, like, restrained woman in, like, a period piece or something like that.

[46:07] Yeah, period piece domino.

[46:08] She is going totally nutso in this role and having a ball, and I kind of enjoyed it.

Elliott Kalan

[46:14] She hasn't been able to let loose like this since she made A Dangerous Method, where it was like, yeah, you're a crazy person.

[46:20] Just go nuts.

[46:20] Like, just go crazy.

[46:21] So, okay.

[46:22] And I know I shouldn't say crazy.

[46:24] That's a relatory term.

[46:26] Anyway, she captures Ginger.

[46:28] And Clara says to Sugar Plum Fairy, she's like, I know you're mad and you're sad that my mom died.

[46:34] I am too, but you don't have to do this.

[46:36] And then it turns out she's just distracting her because she rigged the machine to turn Sugar Plum back into a doll.

[46:41] You don't think she was, like, giving her an out?

Stuart Wellington

[46:43] Like, she's like, this is your last chance before I basically kill you.

Elliott Kalan

[46:48] That too, I think.

[46:49] I think that's – but she didn't take – and also she's talking out her own feelings.

[46:53] It's a movie.

[46:53] For some reason, when the Sugar Plum Fairy turns into a doll, all the toy soldiers just stop.

[46:59] When was it – it was never really established, I think, that they have a psychic link with her.

[47:03] It's more like the movie just needs them to be done, you know?

[47:06] Yeah.

[47:06] So they don't have to go scour the shire of the remaining toy soldiers that are on the loose, you know?

[47:13] Clara, everything's okay now.

[47:15] Hoffman becomes named Captain of the Guard.

[47:17] Now, unfortunately, the realms are in the hands of Flower Man and Ice Man.

[47:21] And thankfully, Mother Ginger, the only one who has her shit together, is there to, like, keep everybody in line, I guess.

[47:26] Clara goes back to Christmas Eve at Drosselmeyer's place.

[47:29] And she tells – she sees her dad, and her dad apologizes, and her dad says – oh, no, no, sorry.

Stuart Wellington

[47:35] He apologized, then he's like, can I still get that dance?

[47:39] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[47:39] Before that, I forgot.

[47:41] She said to Drosselmeyer – oh, Drosselmeyer's like, you feeling better?

[47:44] Because, of course, his owl's been watching all this.

[47:46] And she's like, yeah.

[47:46] And Drosselmeyer says, your mom said that you were her greatest creation.

[47:50] Which is like, she has two other kids.

[47:52] Like, it's kind of a shitty thing to say.

[47:55] Like, if I was – if, like –

Stuart Wellington

[47:57] It should have cut to him, like, looking at the other two kids and being like, fucking idiots.

Elliott Kalan

[48:02] Your mom had some choice words about you two dumb bits.

[48:06] Like, come on.

[48:08] So, the – and she sees her dad.

[48:11] Her dad apologizes, and she apologizes, and he says, can I have that dance?

[48:13] And they dance to the music, Box Egg, and the other kids join in dance, too.

[48:17] And then the credits are just dancing.

[48:20] And you see Misty Copeland dancing ballet.

[48:21] And then it's like, wait a minute.

[48:23] This is a modern movie.

[48:24] Kids don't want to see ballet.

[48:25] They want to see breakdancing.

[48:27] So, it's just – to the Nutcracker music, it's a bunch of people dancing, breakdancing.

[48:31] And occasionally, shots of Misty Copeland, like, looking on in amazement at what the things their bodies can do.

[48:36] And it's like, you're one of the greatest dancers in the world.

[48:38] Like, why are you shocked that they could do these things?

[48:41] It's breakdancing.

Stuart Wellington

[48:42] Yeah, yeah.

[48:42] Yeah, the cast is performing Volk from Suspiria.

Elliott Kalan

[48:49] So, and that's the Nutcracker and the Four Realms.

Dan McCoy

[48:53] Yeah, that's the Nutcracker in a nutshell.

[48:56] I'm Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[48:58] No, no.

[48:58] What about that?

[48:59] It's not – we haven't – also, if you –

[49:01] TM, TM.

[49:02] If you don't – if you guys didn't like it and you didn't finish it, you can return any unviewed realms to the manufacturer for a partial refund.

Dan McCoy

[49:11] So, that was great.

[49:13] Let's do our final judgments.

[49:15] Whether this was a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie we kind of liked, I've already said the two things I liked about it.

[49:19] Otherwise, it bored me to tears and I thought it was bad.

Stuart Wellington

[49:22] Hey, guys.

[49:23] Do you think the people of the Sugar Land are going to have to elect a new leader in place of Sugar Plum?

[49:30] Or are they going to – is it going to be dissolved into the other realms?

Elliott Kalan

[49:34] It'll dissolve just because they'll just pour water on it.

[49:36] It's just sugar.

[49:37] Oh.

[49:38] Hey, you know how you get to the Sugar Land?

[49:43] The Sugar Land Express.

[49:44] The Sugar Land Express.

[49:45] Okay.

[49:45] Yeah.

[49:45] So, Stuart, what did you think?

[49:47] Because I have an answer that may shock and surprise you guys.

Stuart Wellington

[49:49] You know, it was kind of boring, but it looked all right and it went along pretty quickly.

[49:58] So, I'll say – but it's not like a fun, goofy movie that, of course, stars the character Goofy.

[50:06] And his son, yeah.

[50:10] I guess I'd say it's like a mixed bad-bad because I don't think it's actually that bad.

[50:17] But I don't think it really fits into any of the other categories.

[50:20] I guess it's closer to like between bad-bad movie I kind of liked.

Elliott Kalan

[50:24] So, that's the thing.

[50:25] I'm going to have to say that this was, for me, a sincere movie I kind of liked.

[50:28] It wasn't great.

[50:29] And maybe it's because I was so ready to hate it because I was like – I was so worried that there was going to be a scene where there was like an army of sugar plum fairies and an army of mice.

[50:38] Mice that run at each other, classic fantasy army style, and that never happened.

[50:43] But like I thought it looked really pretty and it was not as stupid, questy as I thought it might be.

[50:49] It's a pretty short movie.

[50:51] And like let me be honest with you guys.

[50:53] I love the Nutcracker.

[50:54] I love the Nutcracker music like I mentioned.

[50:56] My mom went to see Bohemian Rhapsody and she's like, it's not a very good movie, but I love Queen.

[51:01] So, I enjoyed it.

[51:02] And it's like – it's kind of hard for me to not enjoy a movie that has wall-to-wall soundtrack adapting the Nutcracker music.

[51:09] So, like – so, I genuinely kind of liked it.

[51:12] Now, would I go out and tell people to watch it?

[51:15] No, not necessarily.

[51:16] But it's similar to Sherlock Gnomes.

[51:19] If my son was like, I really want to see this movie, I'd be like, all right, sure.

[51:23] Like it's not my first choice, but I'll allow it.

[51:26] Yeah, yeah.

[51:27] I guess we won't watch The Master together.

[51:32] Yeah.

[51:34] Yeah, Sammy, I was really hoping that we would see Phantom Thread.

[51:38] Yeah.

[51:39] I would know we can watch this colorful adventure movie.

Stuart Wellington

[51:42] I did remember a thing I liked.

[51:43] I liked when they have defeated the Keira Knightley and the Nutcracker captain and the Mouse King are celebrating.

[51:54] And Captain Hoffman's like, she did it.

[51:56] She saved us.

[51:57] And the mice are instead throwing mouse rings up in the air like he did it.

Dan McCoy

[52:03] Like he won the day for everybody.

[52:05] It's pretty great.

Elliott Kalan

[52:08] Yeah.

[52:08] Okay.

[52:09] It's the Walter getting thrown in the air of the Muppets.

[52:12] Where you're like, what did he do?

Stuart Wellington

[52:14] And speaking of throwing Walter in the air, I want to take a little second and talk about the Max Fun Drive, guys.

[52:22] Perfect.

Elliott Kalan

[52:24] As I said before.

[52:25] I only have two problems with that segue.

Stuart Wellington

[52:30] Save it for the end.

[52:31] Put in the footnotes.

[52:33] We're going to.

[52:34] So as I mentioned last time on the Flophouse when talking about Max Fun, joining the network's been a big deal for us.

[52:44] It feels like having, we did this podcast for a long time.

[52:48] And it's the first time that we like really felt like we were part of something kind of larger than just three weirdos sitting in Dan's apartment.

[52:56] Stinking like Popeye's and beer.

[52:57] And now we're part of a larger family that is full of great existing shows, long running shows like ours and others.

[53:09] And also it's a place that actively goes out and develops new content that isn't just three middle-aged white guys talking about pop culture like us.

Elliott Kalan

[53:23] And it's not just the same people spinning out new stuff.

[53:28] It's like they're going out to find new people who are doing like new interesting things with podcasts and deserve a wider audience.

Stuart Wellington

[53:36] Exactly.

[53:37] And for me, it's extra important because a few years ago, part of the Max Fun Drive involved us doing a crossover episode where we record an episode of The Adventure Zone where we play D&D.

[53:50] And that forced me to go back and pick up a hobby that I hadn't done for a lot of years.

[53:58] And since then, not only have we recorded a bunch of extra episodes of me forcing you guys to play D&D with me or similar type role-playing games, but also it's something that I've been doing more in my own life.

[54:10] So that's a personal, totally selfish reason that I like the Max Fun Drive.

[54:14] And it's also great for you because, you know, you get to support this great content and encourage creators that hopefully you like.

[54:24] And give them opportunities to explore either more of what they're already doing or explore other cool stuff.

Dan McCoy

[54:32] Yeah.

[54:32] And it's good because we've said it before, but it bears repeating.

[54:35] Most of the money that comes in through donation goes directly to the shows that you listen to when you sign up to be a supporter.

[54:43] You choose the shows you listen to and the money gets funneled towards those shows.

[54:48] So you're directly supporting art and artists you like.

[54:52] And I don't want to be a downer, but, you know, it's also like hard to do this show sometimes with three people scheduling.

[55:00] Elliot has kids.

[55:03] Stuart has business.

[55:05] I have something going on, I'm sure.

[55:08] Yeah, laundry to fold.

[55:09] And so between all of that and like just the ravages of time, it can get hard to do the podcast.

[55:16] And I don't, so I don't want to like sound like.

Elliott Kalan

[55:19] What Dan's saying is we're all going to die someday.

[55:21] So in order to make it so that we spend these precious moments on a podcast.

[55:25] Yeah.

[55:25] It helps that it helps us to survive.

[55:27] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[55:27] I don't want to sound like.

[55:29] Why don't you force us to watch Nutcracker and the Four Realms and stuff.

Dan McCoy

[55:32] I don't want to sound like I'm extorting the listeners, but it helps to get paid.

Elliott Kalan

[55:37] You are merely exhorting the listeners to go to MaximumFun.org slash donate now and not put it off any longer and help support us.

Stuart Wellington

[55:45] And if you can afford to be a monthly supporter, we really appreciate it.

[55:49] And if you're already a supporter, obviously, thank you.

[55:52] Without you guys, we couldn't do this.

[55:56] And you can consider upgrading because there's a ton of really great gifts out there.

Elliott Kalan

[56:01] Yeah.

[56:02] And we should mention, we don't want to spend too much time promoting this because we want to have MaxFunDrive.

[56:08] We do have new live shows coming up.

[56:09] Go to our website and you can find them.

[56:11] Right, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[56:12] Yeah.

[56:12] I actually, for once, updated the events page.

[56:15] So all of the upcoming shows are on there.

[56:17] So that good behavior deserves a positive reward.

[56:21] Yeah, that's right.

[56:22] Buy a ticket and support me being professional for once.

[56:25] Or at least just check out the page.

[56:27] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[56:27] Or just send Dan a treat.

[56:29] So that's at flophousepodcast.com slash events.

[56:32] You'll see that there.

[56:33] We'll tell you more about those in the next episode.

[56:36] But hey, so what do we do next on this show, guys?

Dan McCoy

[56:39] Next, we do some letters from listeners.

[56:41] Listeners like the ones we're asking for money.

Elliott Kalan

[56:45] Hey there, listeners.

[56:48] It's a very special letters song for the MaxFunDrive.

[56:53] We're driving into the future.

[56:55] We hope we won't need too many sutures.

[56:59] Driving into that future with that MaxFunDrive.

[57:04] It's the funnest drive that I can imagine.

[57:08] Funner than driving cross country.

[57:10] Funner than driving to the moon.

[57:13] Funner than driving through time to the past.

[57:16] To 1955 where your mom wants to have sex with you.

[57:20] It was in a movie.

[57:21] I didn't make that up.

[57:22] It's from Back to the Future.

[57:24] And he drove in a car to the past.

[57:27] But the title of the movie says future.

[57:30] It's very, very confusing.

[57:33] So hey, instead of using that confusing movie,

[57:37] why don't you go to the website that we mentioned before?

[57:40] MaximumFun.org slash donate.

[57:43] It's great.

[57:44] And there you can.

[57:45] Wait, hold on.

[57:46] Wait, wait, wait.

[57:49] You can drive with us in a car called Friendship.

Stuart Wellington

[57:55] Hey, Elliot.

[57:57] Can you hear me?

[57:58] Yes, of course.

[57:59] It's Clem Fandango.

Elliott Kalan

[58:00] Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.

Stuart Wellington

[58:02] Did you really need that second very?

Elliott Kalan

[58:06] I'll try it again.

[58:07] I'll try it again.

[58:09] Hey, listeners.

[58:10] No, no.

[58:10] It's a very special Max Fun Drive letters song.

[58:14] Hey, now it's the spoken word part of the song.

[58:17] Okay, the spoken word part.

[58:18] What?

[58:18] There are times when people need letters.

[58:22] They need to drop the fetters of the workaday world and put on letters.

[58:27] That's right.

[58:28] Put on your letters.

[58:29] Wear them like clothes.

[58:30] Don't go outside.

[58:31] You look like a weirdo.

[58:32] People will run away and you'll have to say,

[58:35] hey, they're just letters to the Flophouse that I'm wearing like clothes.

[58:40] So just do it when you're indoors.

Dan McCoy

[58:43] Okay.

[58:44] Thanks.

[58:44] So this first letter.

Elliott Kalan

[58:46] You're welcome, Dan.

[58:48] You're very welcome.

[58:49] You're so welcome.

[58:50] You're so, so, so welcome.

[58:53] I welcome you.

[58:54] Jesus Christ.

[58:54] Which is not great because Dan is a vampire and I'm safe unless I welcome him in.

[58:59] But I just did it.

[59:00] Oh, no.

[59:01] Dan, please don't bite me in my sleep.

Dan McCoy

[59:03] Okay.

[59:04] Well, I just got an update from Max Fun.

[59:06] It seems like all our donors revoked their donations.

[59:09] No.

Elliott Kalan

[59:11] Was it because of my singing?

[59:12] Goddamn.

[59:13] Was it because of the bells that are ringing in your ears when you hear my melliflu is

[59:19] voice?

[59:21] Because you have a choice to buy a Rolls Royce.

[59:27] Okay.

[59:28] No.

[59:29] Wait.

[59:30] Stop.

[59:31] Wait.

[59:32] Hold on.

[59:32] No.

[59:33] Also another rhyme.

[59:34] Bad.

[59:35] Joyce.

[59:35] James Joyce.

[59:36] Okay.

[59:36] Done.

Dan McCoy

[59:37] Okay.

[59:37] This one's from Ian, last name withheld.

[59:39] Okay.

[59:40] Who writes, hey, peaches.

[59:41] I've been meaning to send this.

[59:42] Ian McKay.

[59:42] Okay.

[59:43] Bugazzi.

[59:44] Uh-huh.

[59:44] Or Bugazzi.

[59:45] Okay.

[59:46] I've been meaning to send this email for a long time, so here I am finally doing it.

[59:49] Look at me go.

[59:50] I just wanted to say thank you on behalf of myself and to anyone else out there in the

[59:54] same situation as me.

[59:56] I struggle with depression, and your podcast is usually the one thing I binge that's guaranteed

[59:59] to make me smile when I'm having a tough day.

[1:00:02] Lately, between college and school, things have been hectic, and listening between college

[1:00:06] and school, things have been hectic.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:08] Dan, the guy's already having trouble.

[1:00:11] You don't need to pile on, okay?

Dan McCoy

[1:00:13] Things have been hectic, and listening to you goofballs make fun of genuinely terrible

[1:00:17] movies never fails to put a smile on my face.

[1:00:19] Elliot, I'm also getting a children's book published soon, and sharing in your excitement

[1:00:23] always makes me grin.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:25] I hope it's not horse meets frog.

[1:00:28] Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:29] He's ripping me off.

[1:00:30] Okay, shut this guy down.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:32] Stuart, your one-liner jokes and chill dude attitude never fail to make me laugh.

[1:00:37] Oh, that's good.

[1:00:37] Dan, as a fellow deep sire, I feel you, man.

[1:00:40] Also, I hella relate to you and your honesty about your personal life.

[1:00:43] It has once brought me to tears over how much I related to it.

[1:00:48] To help justify this email, here's a question.

[1:00:51] What piece of media, be it a movie, an album, a book, or something else entirely, never fails

[1:00:57] to make you smile?

[1:00:58] What's your go-to feel-good thing?

[1:01:01] Thanks again for all you've done for me and the other floppers out there fighting with

[1:01:04] mental illness.

[1:01:04] Ian, last name withheld.

[1:01:07] Go to happy stuff.

[1:01:09] I'll start because Stuart's on his phone and Elliot's looking off into the distance, scratching

[1:01:14] his head.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:14] I'm pulling up my feel-good...

[1:01:16] I mean, Dan, you were literally talking and I was waiting for you to finish before I said

[1:01:20] anything.

[1:01:21] I apologize that I wasn't sitting here intently staring at the image on my screen of your face,

[1:01:26] so totally focused and ready, like a marathon runner or like a sprinter, like Usain Bolt at

[1:01:33] the starting line.

[1:01:35] Just ready, muscles tensed and coiled, ready to leap into action like the spring of a watch

[1:01:40] when your mouth stopped moving.

[1:01:42] I apologize that I glanced away at the beauty of the Silver Lake Reservoir and it's a gorgeous

[1:01:48] day out and I'm stuck inside talking to you, yahoos.

[1:01:51] My head had an itch.

[1:01:53] I'm sorry, Dan, my head had an itch.

[1:01:54] Should I just be like a Buckingham Palace guard and not move a fucking muscle because I have

[1:01:59] to be so ready, so ready in case what?

[1:02:02] You call on me in a moment's notice so we can't have a single microsecond of dead air?

[1:02:08] I'm sorry, Dan.

[1:02:09] I'm sorry that I looked away from your beautiful face for a moment, that I wasn't so entranced

[1:02:14] by the glory of your visage that I dared to have the temerity to look at the beauty of

[1:02:19] God's nature in front of me.

[1:02:20] Admittedly, the Silver Lake Reservoir is a man-made reservoir.

[1:02:23] It's not a real natural lake.

[1:02:25] But I had the gall to briefly remove a source of physical irritation from my head by scratching

[1:02:33] an itch.

[1:02:34] Lord, forgive me.

[1:02:35] Lord, Dan, God above that I was not so enamored and so concentrated on you that I could not

[1:02:41] finish my own physical needs.

[1:02:44] Okay, I apologize.

[1:02:45] Mia culpa, mia culpa.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:46] So, Dan, just for your reference, that's how you do an apology.

[1:02:53] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:53] Elliot, I just want to say thank you for the compliments about my face.

[1:02:59] So...

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:00] I'm glad you got what I was laying down, that you picked up what I was putting down there.

[1:03:05] There are a couple things that came...

[1:03:06] So, Dan, go ahead.

[1:03:08] Tell us about what makes you smile now that you've ruined my day.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:12] Well, your mock anger is one of my top things.

[1:03:17] But let's see.

[1:03:19] I was going to say, this sounds like log rolling for the MaxFun Network and The Drive.

[1:03:24] But certainly, after my divorce, when I was feeling down, I re-listened to the entire run

[1:03:31] of My Brother, My Brother and Me.

[1:03:33] And that always cheers me up, listening to those goofballs.

[1:03:36] And also, on the subject of goofballs, I...

[1:03:39] I was going to say something about, like...

[1:03:43] Drugs.

[1:03:44] Yeah.

[1:03:44] That's the way that I was like, on the subject of goofballs, I enjoy taking goofballs.

[1:03:48] They make me feel better.

[1:03:50] No, on the subject of goofballs, I really enjoy Marx Brothers movies.

[1:03:55] Those will always put a smile on my face no matter what's going on.

[1:03:58] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:59] You love them all.

[1:04:00] Your favorites.

[1:04:01] Room Service.

[1:04:02] The Big Store.

[1:04:03] That's right.

[1:04:03] Go West.

[1:04:04] Go West.

[1:04:05] Yeah.

[1:04:06] Actually, I will say that...

[1:04:06] Love Happy.

[1:04:08] My son and I have been watching them all in chronological order, and we just watched At the Circus.

[1:04:14] And it was much funnier than I remembered it being.

[1:04:16] Yeah.

[1:04:16] No, that one's okay, but it's pretty much...

[1:04:18] I forgot that it had the second inexplicable racist Harpo song.

[1:04:21] Oh, no.

[1:04:21] He becomes the divine Pied Piper of African Americans, but it was a much funnier movie than

[1:04:28] I thought it was.

[1:04:29] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:29] It's got his moments.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:31] Yeah.

[1:04:32] Okay.

[1:04:33] So, I have three songs on my Feel Good Smiley Times playlist.

[1:04:38] Okay.

[1:04:39] These are guaranteed smiles.

[1:04:42] Ah, we got...

[1:04:43] We got World Destruction by Time Zone.

[1:04:49] One by One by Immortal.

[1:04:54] That one in particular, like, they spend like three minutes whipping your ass, and then they

[1:05:01] kind of change the tempo on you, and then Abath Doom Occulta, you know, the king of the snow

[1:05:08] juggalos, he just lets out this fucking laugh, and you're like, oh, man, I better buckle

[1:05:13] my seatbelt.

[1:05:14] We're going to Blasherk now, you know?

[1:05:16] Stuart is staring at me during this whole thing as if I know what he's talking about.

[1:05:19] Yeah, you know what I'm talking about, Dan.

[1:05:21] And then the third one is Terrence Trent Darby's Wishing Well.

[1:05:27] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:30] I'll have to say, for me, the thing I go to is the movie Singing in the Rain that always

[1:05:35] makes me happy, and I return to it, even just in my memories, sometimes when I need to pick

[1:05:40] me up, it's just like a movie that is like just pure catnip to me, Singing in the Rain.

[1:05:47] Also, you know, there's-

[1:05:48] Also pure catnip.

[1:05:49] I don't know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:50] The what?

[1:05:50] Also pure catnip.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:52] Yeah, I was actually-

[1:05:54] Pure uncut catnip, the good stuff.

[1:05:55] I was imagining Elliot with the DVD box of Singing in the Rain rubbing his face against it, rolling

[1:06:02] over so his belly is exposed, just going nuts.

[1:06:05] Just pure catnip.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:06] And this isn't exactly the same as Smiles, but whenever I need a real, like, spirit pick-me-up,

[1:06:11] I often go to the sequence in Amazing Spider-Man number 33, is it, where Spider-Man is trapped

[1:06:17] under all those machines, and he has to build up the strength in himself to lift them off

[1:06:22] of him, and the thing that does it is remembering how much his aunt needs him and his connection

[1:06:27] to other people.

[1:06:29] And that's always something that, when I'm feeling low, it doesn't necessarily- it's not

[1:06:32] necessarily, like, puts a goofy smile on my face, but it always makes me feel a little

[1:06:35] inspired.

[1:06:36] So that's a shout-out to the late Stan Lee and Steve Ditko for crafting that.

[1:06:40] It always affects me.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:42] All right.

[1:06:43] So this next letter's from Steven, last name withheld.

[1:06:47] Spielberg?

[1:06:47] Yeah.

[1:06:48] It's directed-

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:50] Thanks for mentioning the Sugar Land Express today in your podcast, guys.

[1:06:53] How do you know?

[1:06:54] It hasn't even been released yet.

[1:06:55] It is a good movie.

[1:06:56] It's underrated.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:57] This is directed at Elliot.

[1:07:00] It says, every time Elliot mentions his new book, I reflexively-

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:04] Horse Meets Dog, available in stores now.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:06] Yeah.

[1:07:06] I reflexively think it's about a dog that is owned by someone named Horsemeet.

[1:07:11] What a terrible name for a character in a children's book, I think, before realizing my mistake.

[1:07:16] That being said, can you write a children's book called Horsemeet's Dog?

[1:07:20] It would make a perfect gift for my increasing number of friends and family that insist on procreating.

[1:07:24] Thanks.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:26] I mean, I would probably not give it that title because it would be very easy to confuse with the book I already have out, which is called Horse Meets Dog, about a horse that meets a dog.

[1:07:33] If you're looking for gifts for small children, it can't be beat.

[1:07:37] But, you know, I'll think about it.

[1:07:39] I do-

[1:07:39] You know, right now, I don't know if I'm supposed to announce the title of it, but I do have another book that's going to come out hopefully next year that you can get for kids.

[1:07:48] But it has a different title.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:49] Is it the novelization of Episode IX, A Star Wars Adventure?

[1:07:53] Yup, it is.

[1:07:55] Is it the novel-

[1:07:55] That's the book I have.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:56] Is this the novelization of Horsemeet's Dog?

[1:07:59] You expanded into a full-

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:01] I expanded it into a-

[1:08:02] I did a lot of world building.

[1:08:03] I expanded it into a volume one of what I think will be a World of Time style-

[1:08:07] Wheel of Time.

[1:08:09] Wheel of Time style.

[1:08:10] Ten-volume series, I think.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:12] Like if Wheel of Time was written by Faulkner.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:16] Yeah, exactly.

[1:08:16] Exactly.

[1:08:17] It's going to be very radical, very experimental.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:21] Okay, moving on.

[1:08:22] This next letter is from Paul, last name withheld, who-

[1:08:26] Prudome.

[1:08:27] He writes from Auckland, New Zealand.

[1:08:30] He writes,

[1:08:31] Greetings, fellow alumni of Ol' Flop U.

[1:08:33] This next question is mostly aimed at Stuart.

[1:08:36] Hey, Stu.

[1:08:37] In the hot seat.

[1:08:38] Hey, Stu.

[1:08:39] Yep.

[1:08:39] Pause for response.

[1:08:41] Uh-huh, what's up?

[1:08:42] So, Stu.

[1:08:43] Yep.

[1:08:44] What's going on with your hair?

[1:08:45] Pause again for response.

[1:08:47] I mean, if the Stuart of ten years ago-

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:49] Dan, you didn't really pause for the response there.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:51] I know, but it would be weird if I-

[1:08:53] It would be weird if I read the last part of it after Stuart actually responded, so I'm

[1:08:57] rolling through.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:58] Okay, because it kind of feels like you're screwing up a David Mamet script, where it's

[1:09:01] meant to be delivered in a very specific way.

[1:09:03] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:05] It continues.

[1:09:06] I mean, if the Stuart of ten years ago saw a photo of Stuart from today, what do you

[1:09:10] think his response would be?

[1:09:11] Many thanks, Paul.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:14] Oh, yeah, I don't know, man.

[1:09:18] I think Stuart of ten years ago would be impressed that my hair has continued to go pretty gray.

[1:09:23] And these two jokers aren't helping.

[1:09:26] Yeah.

[1:09:31] Okay.

[1:09:32] Well, guys, ready to go hit the links?

[1:09:35] Oh, my God.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:38] I think if the Stuart of ten years ago saw you say that, he would be like, forget it.

[1:09:42] Give me a second.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:44] I don't know.

[1:09:44] I think the Stuart of ten years ago had a lot of dumb opinions about a lot of stuff.

[1:09:50] But, you know, whatever.

[1:09:53] So, my hair.

[1:09:55] Yeah, I don't know.

[1:09:56] I feel like growing it out because I don't have a boss to, other than Jesse Thorne, to,

[1:10:00] you know, make, to make feel good, I guess.

[1:10:06] And I think me having this luscious, long, curly hair probably makes Jesse pretty happy,

[1:10:12] right?

[1:10:13] Yeah.

[1:10:13] He's fucking commenting on it all the time.

[1:10:16] Yeah.

[1:10:16] When he's not hanging out with your mom, he's writing textbooks about Stuart's cool

[1:10:21] Mrs. Doubtfire look.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:23] No, no.

[1:10:23] When Jesse's hanging out with, and by hanging out, we should make clear, we mean sleeping

[1:10:26] with Dan's mom.

[1:10:28] They mostly, a lot of the pillow talk is about Stuart's hair.

[1:10:30] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:31] So, I just want to remind the listeners and my co-hosts that my parents listen to this podcast.

[1:10:37] Oh.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:38] Yeah, Dan, I'm just trying to give you something to talk to your parents about at the holidays.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:42] Okay.

[1:10:43] That's got to be weird.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:46] That's extremely weird.

[1:10:48] Yeah, I don't know.

[1:10:50] I'm just, you know, trying to be a chilled out dude with a lot of hair.

[1:10:54] I got it, might as well have it, you know?

[1:10:56] Mm-hmm.

[1:10:57] Plot that mane.

[1:10:58] I know there's not like, there's no tragic backstory there.

[1:11:02] It's not like, like my long time barber died and this is the only way that I can deal

[1:11:10] with my grief is by growing my hair out.

[1:11:12] Uh-huh.

[1:11:12] Or, I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:15] The hair isn't the source of your strength?

Dan McCoy

[1:11:17] Yeah.

[1:11:18] There was no like reverse Lex Luthor accident?

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:22] I don't think so.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:25] Wait, does that mean that like all humans have reverse Lex Luthor accidents where all humans

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:30] grow hair except the ones who don't, I understand.

[1:11:32] Mm-hmm.

[1:11:34] Yeah.

[1:11:35] Yeah, so there's no secret.

[1:11:37] It's just, you know, I like to look good.

[1:11:40] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:41] Great.

[1:11:42] Hey, not to interrupt Stuart's very elaborate monologue about his hair.

[1:11:50] And I know this is rich coming from me, the guy who rambles on.

[1:11:54] But Dan, I want to take a moment.

[1:11:56] I regret what I said about your mom and I want to apologize to your mom and to you, but not

[1:12:00] to Jesse because he'd be, he has a great family, but he'd be lucky to be able to land a woman

[1:12:04] like your mom, Dan.

[1:12:05] But you know what?

[1:12:06] I appreciate it.

[1:12:06] I should apologize.

[1:12:07] I went too far in having some fun with my bros and I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:11] Thank you.

[1:12:12] So now we go on to the last segment.

[1:12:15] Well, not the last segment because we're going to make one more pitch for Max Fun, but the

[1:12:18] last segment normally where we talk about movies that we saw that we liked.

[1:12:24] And I'll go quick because I don't have a lot to say.

[1:12:27] I've been very busy, haven't seen a lot of new movies or any pretty much.

[1:12:32] So I'm picking a movie out of the air and I'm going to say, why not watch Jason and

[1:12:36] the Argonauts.

[1:12:37] It's great.

[1:12:38] Ray Harryhausen, so many great effects.

[1:12:41] And the skeleton sword fight is justly famous.

[1:12:45] I saw it again recently and I'm like, holy shit.

[1:12:49] Just think of the logistics that went into this.

[1:12:52] Real actors interacting with model skeletons painstakingly stop motioned.

[1:12:59] It's beautiful.

[1:13:00] Watch that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:01] I can't remember.

[1:13:01] Is there a post-credit sequence where his wife kills his children and flies off in a

[1:13:05] chariot into the sky?

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:08] I think they were leaving it for the sequel.

[1:13:10] Yeah.

[1:13:12] I'm going to recommend a movie that I'm going to snatch it before anyone else can recommend

[1:13:17] it.

[1:13:18] But this is a strange time for me where I've actually seen a movie that came out this weekend.

[1:13:21] And I'm going to recommend Jordan Peele's Us, which I don't know if you've seen that,

[1:13:26] Stuart.

[1:13:26] No, I've seen it this week.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:28] What?

[1:13:28] I'm seeing it later in the week.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:30] Okay.

[1:13:30] I saw it last night and, or was it?

[1:13:33] Yeah.

[1:13:33] No, the night before last.

[1:13:34] I'm sorry.

[1:13:35] It was Friday night.

[1:13:35] The moon was right.

[1:13:36] I had some fun.

[1:13:37] Show them how it's done.

[1:13:38] TGIF.

[1:13:39] And what I mean is, thank God it's funny.

[1:13:42] I believe that you're a hero and you're daring to defy.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:44] I was going to make fun of you for caring enough to tell the people on the podcast the

[1:13:49] exact night you saw it, but then it led to that great Friday night thing.

[1:13:53] Yeah, it was hilarious.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:56] So, Us, it was more that I had this weird moment of like, wait, what day is it?

[1:14:00] And I had to figure that out for myself.

[1:14:02] But thank you.

[1:14:03] Us, what's to say about it?

[1:14:05] If you like to get out, you'll probably like Us 2.

[1:14:07] It's a real solid horror movie.

[1:14:08] It's got some laughs.

[1:14:09] It's got some scares.

[1:14:10] There's already an Us 2?

[1:14:12] And it may, just may, make you think.

[1:14:16] As I was walking out, I was talking about the sequel, Us 2, Them, which would be about

[1:14:20] the other Uses.

[1:14:21] But anyway, it was real good.

[1:14:22] I recommend it.

[1:14:23] It's called Them.

[1:14:24] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:24] The what?

[1:14:25] There's already a bunch of horror movies called Them.

[1:14:28] And they're home and children.

[1:14:28] Yeah, I know.

[1:14:29] There's the one about big ants.

[1:14:30] Yeah.

[1:14:32] I am going to recommend a movie that I watched a couple weeks ago for the first time for my

[1:14:38] birthday.

[1:14:39] I'm 39 years old now, guys.

[1:14:43] 39 years young, Stu.

[1:14:44] Oh, thanks.

[1:14:45] That's what I tell everybody.

[1:14:47] I watched A Bigger Splash, directed by Luca Guadagino.

[1:14:53] And, oh man, what's his, I can't remember his writing partner.

[1:14:56] But it's the same screenwriter who worked with him on Call Me By Your Name and Suspiria.

[1:15:04] Those were both movies that I loved.

[1:15:05] So I decided to go back and check out his filmography.

[1:15:09] A Bigger Splash is about a rock star played by Tilda Swinton who is recovering from vocal

[1:15:15] surgery.

[1:15:16] So she goes on a vacation to an island off the coast of Italy, I believe, with her boyfriend

[1:15:22] and an ex-friend and lover played by Rafe Fenns and his daughter, played by Dakota Johnson,

[1:15:31] show up and kind of disrupt their idyllic vacation.

[1:15:39] And it's, I don't know, it's a really tense movie.

[1:15:43] It plays out into a kind of horrific tragedy, spoiler alert.

[1:15:50] And, but the way that the movie's made just like builds this world that, similar to his

[1:15:58] other movies, Guadagino builds a world that like, I just, I get so absorbed in.

[1:16:03] And even if it, like, it clearly goes, it goes slowly.

[1:16:07] My wife fell asleep like five minutes in.

[1:16:11] And it, I don't know, there's just something about the world that he creates.

[1:16:16] And yeah, I found it totally engrossing.

[1:16:21] A Bigger Splash.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:25] Three movies.

[1:16:26] They are.

[1:16:27] Elliot, anything you want to say?

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:30] I wanted to take a brief mention before we leave about just one more.

[1:16:34] Cue up the band final moment.

[1:16:35] It's the end of another Max Fun Drive episode, guys.

[1:16:38] And with that comes the Flophouse's contribution to the Max Fun Drive.

[1:16:42] And, you know, let's have a little Saturday Night Live end of the episode moment.

[1:16:45] The band is playing.

[1:16:49] We're all going to hug each other and make the audience feel like they're part of some

[1:16:53] amazing party they've just enjoyed for an hour and a half before we go out to our party

[1:16:58] that we do at the end of every episode.

[1:16:59] Whether it was a good episode or not.

[1:17:01] Anyway, enough SNL bashing.

[1:17:02] I mean, usually.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:03] Because that's what entertainment should be.

[1:17:04] It should feel like a private party that the people involved in are enjoying.

[1:17:08] And you are just kind of watching from the outside and being like, okay.

[1:17:12] And the Flophouse is the opposite of that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:14] We're a party that everyone should feel a part of.

[1:17:17] Especially Maximum Fun members and supporters.

[1:17:19] Because if you're part of Maximum Fun, you are at that party.

[1:17:21] You're actually being part of the process.

[1:17:24] And you're actually being someone that we need and rely on.

[1:17:27] There's a reason that they're called supporters.

[1:17:29] It's because we rely on you for support.

[1:17:31] It's because you're supporting us and you're keeping us up.

[1:17:33] Now, and I don't mean keeping us up in the bad way of your baby's crying at night.

[1:17:37] I mean in the good way of like steel supports.

[1:17:41] Keeping up a beautiful building.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:42] Atlas holding the world on his shoulders.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:45] Exactly.

[1:17:46] I don't like to talk about this aspect of it too much.

[1:17:50] Because I feel it feels a little bit too much like heartstring tugging.

[1:17:54] And also, I don't know.

[1:17:57] It feels like I'm crying poor when I should not be.

[1:18:00] Because I am a very lucky person.

[1:18:02] And I feel like I can support my family.

[1:18:04] And that's great.

[1:18:05] But I've come to really rely on the money from the MaxFun drive to help me out.

[1:18:11] To make sure that I can support that family while also making the career choices that I hope to make.

[1:18:18] And so, by being a MaxFun supporter, you are supporting both this podcast and also in a very selfish way.

[1:18:23] You are supporting me in making the creative choices that I hope to make.

[1:18:27] And creating the kind of work that I hope to make outside of this podcast.

[1:18:30] And hopefully, that's work that supporters of this podcast also enjoy.

[1:18:33] So, I hope you feel like you're getting two benefits out of it.

[1:18:35] This podcast and also the other things that I can do that I can use the income from this to support me on.

[1:18:43] So, anyway, if you want to – so, I guess what I'm saying is if you want to keep food in my children's mouths, then please.

[1:18:49] Wow.

[1:18:50] That's the way I don't like to do it.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:52] A lot of pressure.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:53] But doing the podcast is something that I always enjoy doing.

[1:18:57] It's great to be with Dan and Stuart and have a reason to talk with them regularly because I miss them very much.

[1:19:03] And doing the podcast and getting paid to do it is even more amazing.

[1:19:07] This can be something that I consider what I do professionally is amazing.

[1:19:12] And it's all because of supporters like you, supporters who join up if you haven't, supporters who upgrade their monthly levels to help us give even more support.

[1:19:22] It's something that, like, I cannot overstate what it means to me.

[1:19:26] And I'm sure these guys feel the same way.

[1:19:28] So, please, if you can support us, go to MaximumFun.org.

[1:19:31] If you feel like you just can't afford it, that's totally cool.

[1:19:34] And I totally accept that.

[1:19:36] And it's totally fine.

[1:19:37] Do not feel that pressure.

[1:19:38] But if you're like, hey, you know what, I'm feeling a little flush these days.

[1:19:42] And I want to pay for the content that I enjoy because content doesn't want to be free, unlike what Wired Magazine might say or whatever.

[1:19:50] Then we'd really appreciate it.

[1:19:52] And I will thank you personally right now.

[1:19:56] Insert your name here.

[1:19:57] We're supporting Maximum Fun.

[1:19:59] So, I hope you enjoyed that personal thank you.

[1:20:01] That was just for you.

[1:20:03] Maximum Fun supporter name here.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:04] Yeah, so that's your three favorite guys.

[1:20:09] Steely Dan, Deacon Stu, and, I don't know, Kid Kayla Mayne.

[1:20:14] Okay.

[1:20:14] Okay, sure, yeah.

[1:20:15] He's been a Steely Dan fan cast.

[1:20:17] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:18] I guess that's our sign-off now.

[1:20:21] Go to MaximumFun.org.

[1:20:23] Check out the other shows.

[1:20:24] We've been talking a lot about the network.

[1:20:26] And thanks for supporting us.

[1:20:29] Or even thanks for just listening.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:31] Thanks for just, yeah, just the most, the biggest support you can give us even beyond this is giving us your ears so that we're not just shouting into the void.

[1:20:40] We have no mouths, yet we must scream.

[1:20:42] And we're the monsters that shout love at the heart of the world.

[1:20:44] And other Harlan Ellison references.

[1:20:48] Good night, everyone.

[1:20:49] Wait, wait, wait, Dan.

[1:20:50] We should also say, if you'd also like to support us, give us a review on iTunes or whatever and tweet about us.

[1:20:56] Yeah, we should say that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:59] Okay.

[1:20:59] Dan, should he say that?

Dan McCoy

[1:21:00] No, I, no.

[1:21:01] Okay.

[1:21:02] I refuse.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:02] Okay, Dan's vetoed it.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:03] Never mind.

[1:21:04] Cool.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:05] Okay, so for the Flophouse, I've been Stuart Wellington.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:07] I've been Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:09] And I'm kid Calamaine.

[1:21:10] What's my name now?

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:11] Yeah, yeah, Calamaine.

[1:21:12] Yeah.

[1:21:13] It's like Charlemaine, but with your name.

[1:21:15] Yeah, but you eat a lot of kale.

[1:21:17] Good night, everyone.

[1:21:17] Bye-bye.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:23] I don't know.

[1:21:24] I don't know why I'm singing like an old Jewish man.

[1:21:26] I mean, I am a not yet middle-aged Jewish man.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:29] I mean, if this was the Middle Ages, you'd be like, you'd be totally grown, as they say, right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:35] Yeah.

[1:21:36] Good point.

[1:21:37] If this was centuries ago.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:41] Yeah.

[1:21:43] Which is what inspired the musical of your life.

[1:21:46] So, oh.

[1:21:47] Okay.

[1:21:49] All right, guys.

[1:21:51] Let's get down to brass tacks.

[1:21:53] Yeah.

[1:21:54] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:54] Let's do this thing.

[1:21:55] The best kind of tacks.

[1:21:59] MaximumFun.org.

[1:22:00] Comedy and culture.

[1:22:01] Artist owned.

[1:22:02] Audience supported.

Ep. #281 - The Nutcracker and the Four Realms

Transcript

In this episode

Description