Ep. #283 - The Mummy LIVE

[0:00] on this episode of the podcast we discuss the mummy live in Seattle America

[0:14] Stewart Stewart did you just forget what state we're in no it's Washington there

[0:51] the flop house I'm Dan McCoy I'm Stuart Wellington and I'm Elliot Kalin Wow

[1:05] come on a down note there yeah what was that all about you know guys maybe it's

[1:10] this Seattle gray that's got me down sure you know I heard the Blues were

[1:15] calling you toss salad and scrambled eggs already did these Frazier jokes

[1:22] before the show started I don't know for the people at home the Frazier jokes are

[1:26] new yeah but you're killing our vibe here in the room you're right I'm sorry

[1:32] we're in Seattle the home of mummies

[1:37] there is a legend uh-huh that there shall come a day when three morons will

[1:45] appear in the city of the needle of space and their waste time speaking of a

[1:52] curse of a mummy and that story is called are you three men in a mummy okay

[2:00] sorry Steve Guttenberg and Ted Danson and Tom Selleck and who plays the mummy

[2:06] the mummy from Monster Squad hold on a second do you think they dug up a real

[2:12] mummy for that day you say the mummy as himself that's right that's right so

[2:20] this is a podcast yeah where we talk about bad movies and what's making eye

[2:26] contact with me right now it's weird all right I didn't realize that was in your

[2:31] fucking writer that I couldn't make eye contact with you

[2:36] strangers when we're out on the road yes Stewart believes that if you make eye

[2:39] contact with him outside of Brooklyn New York that you can absorb his soul

[2:43] yeah and he does not want anyone knowing what he's been doing with that so cowardly

[2:47] and superstitious person mm-hmm that's why Batman was able to defeat you so

[2:51] easily yeah what was your Batman villain named beer man you see your man

[2:57] committed beer themed crimes like what stealing beer I don't I think that's the

[3:02] only one yeah I mean you have like beer gums that you spray beer in people's

[3:09] under the influence of beer I think that is a crime does Batman do a lot of like

[3:14] traffic stops you've been drinking I'm gonna need you to get out of the car sir

[3:22] and I trust you no we didn't watch any Batman movies we watched the mummy what

[3:29] we really Brendan Fraser's the mummy no that's a nice Boris Karloff's the mummy

[3:35] no we watched Tom Cruise's the dark world's is dark universes is yeah the

[3:41] mummy sure wasn't Martin Lawrence's big mummy's house which I guess would just

[3:45] be a tomb or a pyramid yeah was it that way no it was not we again I said it's

[3:52] Tom Cruise's the mummy was it Christine Applegate and don't tell mummy the

[3:56] babysitter's also dead like the mummy is goddammit Elliot I told you that we

[4:03] wasted so much time was it was it Danny DeVito's throw mummy from the train

[4:08] don't do that it's a priceless antiquity yeah Indiana Jones comes out it's like

[4:14] that mummy belongs in a museum Danny DeVito's like well I'm throwing it off

[4:18] this train that would be I would love to see Danny DeVito in a Indiana Jones film

[4:23] I mean he kind of amazing right I guess he is in the romancing the stone stone

[4:28] yeah all right all my dreams have been answered like bye guys so normally we

[4:35] watch a movie and we talk about it and we're gonna do that right now this night

[4:38] is no different hey guys why is this night different from

[4:41] all their other nights it's not all right that's pulling from my people who

[4:46] the mummies oppressed for thousands of years I watch this movie I'm like every

[4:51] time that mummy got hurt I was like yeah fuck yeah Egypt take that Pharaoh won't

[4:58] let my people go but I guess I'm saying is guys this time it's personal so let's

[5:05] talk about what happens in the mummy so the most exciting thing about this movie

[5:08] to me is we start with the universal logo and then it spins around and we see

[5:11] the dark universe logo now I'll answer the question for future generations

[5:16] listening this what is the dark universe because we've never heard of it before

[5:20] well the dark universe is universals attempt to rebrand its universal monster

[5:27] classic characters as a superhero style shared universe will there'll be a team

[5:32] of them I guess fighting crime and eating lime you know as they say okay

[5:36] because they all go to the beach to hang because if we can if I can take you guys

[5:43] on a flashback which this movie does a lot of some universal monsters were the

[5:48] original shared cinematic universe and they all it was very organic in that the

[5:53] head of Universal said these monsters aren't making that much money

[5:56] individually let's throw a bunch of them into a movie together and let's

[5:59] stick Abbott and Costello in there too eventually yeah yeah and then when he

[6:03] wasn't working out anymore they said forget it and then a movie called

[6:06] monster squad came along and changed nothing and flopped pretty badly

[6:12] monsters got a universal movie I don't know it wasn't because they couldn't use

[6:16] the universal design that's why they all look slightly different than their

[6:20] classic and they couldn't say creature from the Black Lagoon they just say like

[6:22] Gilman yeah which is just a dentist just dr. Gilman red Gilman I saw dripping all

[6:31] this briny water in my mouth while he's cleaning me out anyway so we have the

[6:35] dark universe logo because Universal has big plans for these characters they are

[6:39] all going to come together and this is the introduction of those movies if you

[6:43] don't count Dracula untold which Universal has decided to not count

[6:47] anymore yeah kind of like Marvel did with the Ed Norton Incredible Hulk

[6:52] you can kind of forget about it it's an apocryphal film found in a cavern near

[6:58] the Dead Sea some some moviegoers believe in it but it's not official

[7:03] canon anyway we go from that dark universe logo which is not that exciting

[7:07] it's just the universal logo but it's dark and we see the text on screen of

[7:11] an Egyptian resurrection prayer cut to where else after you see an Egyptian

[7:16] resurrection prayer in a movie called the mummy cut to England 1127 AD where a

[7:22] bunch of Crusader Knights without dialogue bury a dead man with us with a

[7:27] magic gemstone immediately cut to present-day that tomb is discovered by

[7:32] guys digging new London tube tunnels under in the city of London and there's

[7:37] a then we cut to a bunch of talking heads on the news talking about this new

[7:40] transit project for London and for a minute I was like guys I might be pretty

[7:44] excited if this movie is about transit like if mommy said for like a municipal

[7:50] underground metropolitan moving yabo's surround like a municipal underground

[8:00] moving men yelling subterranean okay you need the streets the streets yeah I was

[8:09] like but alas an archaeologist on TV goes hey these Crusaders went to Egypt

[8:13] apropos of nothing then we cut it's time for the movie to start right wrong

[8:18] Russell Crowe and his men take possession of the burial site and in

[8:21] voiceover Russell Crowe tells us the story of the ancient princess Amanet who

[8:26] was the ruthless heiress to the Pharaoh but then the Pharaoh had a son Oh boys

[8:32] before he's describing how she's he first describes her as beautiful like

[8:40] chill out dude whoa no but I mean like that's the first thing he brings up I

[8:45] know that talk about her merits yeah he says you're tired of people objectifying

[8:48] mummies exactly he describes her as ruthless the only one who's ever

[8:52] objectified a mummy was John Astin's character in The Frighteners who is a

[8:58] ghost who has sex with a mummy at once in one part that's right yeah but anyway

[9:02] continue he describes her as ruthless or merciless in a scene where she actively

[9:07] doesn't hit a guy with a stick like it's just you know that causes a

[9:12] disconnect for me as a viewer well you see Russell Crowe is really putting like

[9:15] a very patriarchal spin on this story he's saying the princess shouldn't be

[9:19] made Pharaoh that would be crazy because she's all evil and stuff and she plays

[9:23] into that stereotype by when the Sun is born and takes over her inheritance of

[9:27] the throne she sells her soul to set the god of death because you know what there's

[9:33] a lot of different faces all these different gods but in this one sets just

[9:36] an evil motherfucker like he just hate he's just evil is he a snakehead or a

[9:40] dog which kind of head he is a serpent God okay dog you're thinking of probably

[9:44] Anubis the jackal headed God who is also a god of death and let's not forget

[9:48] Osiris is also pretty much a god of death all the Egyptian gods except for

[9:51] Horus slash Ra are pretty much gods of death I guess to say the Egyptians are

[9:55] much death and you know in Egypt there was a lot of death going yeah

[10:00] constantly it's a little bit like saying some God was the Greek God of being

[10:03] kind of a jerk to everybody that's what they did so she sells her soul set and

[10:08] she's reborn covered with tattoos like that one monk in quite on and she get

[10:13] the tattooed hieroglyphics on her and suddenly she has double pupils which

[10:16] should make it much harder to see and throughout the movie I was waiting for

[10:20] the moment where that gave her an advantage like she could see better but

[10:23] it's just cosmetic I like a guy runs up on her side and the other people catches

[10:27] him yeah exactly I would love to drive the car without having to turn her head

[10:31] to check her blind spot was that one scene there's that one scene where she

[10:34] goes to Warby Parker and she's like give me the glasses with four lenses I'm

[10:41] gonna need to get my manager and she she kills her brother kills her father and

[10:49] then vows to give set a mortal man's body to be reborn in but while she's

[10:53] having some kind of like crazy sexy cool blood sugar sex magic moment where

[10:58] she's about to stab him with a magic dagger he gets shot by a bunch of

[11:01] tranq darts because apparently the ancient Egyptians knew the power of

[11:04] tranquilizers in darts and she's buried as a mummy are from Egypt in a special

[11:11] mystic tomb that keeps her safe anyway so Russell Crowe just tells us all this

[11:16] in voiceover and you're like all right how do you know this how do you know

[11:20] this Russ how do you know this big Russ it's probably gonna matter later right

[11:24] cut to it's not completely unrelated serious man where there's a different

[11:30] story before the rest of it that's just thematically linked cut to a rock Tom

[11:36] Cruz is our hero Nick and his sidekick veil played by who wasn't Jake Johnson

[11:41] who's he what's he from he's from the new girl which was when is she which

[11:46] new girls every day when the new girl is Zoe Deshner I mean she's been around for

[11:50] a while all right like a new girl would leak up be like a baby this is a rich

[11:54] vein of comedy and I've tapped it out so his sidekick veil I guess to in

[12:03] symbolism of the veil of tears or beyond the veil or whatever there it's not

[12:08] likely if they're soldiers or mercenaries they kind of are both they

[12:11] work for the army but they're their own bosses and they are supposed to be

[12:14] advanced scouts for the military but they also loot antiquities for money and

[12:18] they have kind of like Tom Cruz runs them into a goofy kind of one of those

[12:22] comedy action sequences where they're getting shot at but they're like whoa I

[12:26] told you never to do this against a village full of insurgents who are

[12:30] presented as a literally faceless horde I think we only see them from the back

[12:34] of their heads yeah I mean we see like the bullet hits more than that I mean

[12:38] yeah you you said that this is like a very good chief way of doing a gunfight

[12:42] where all you see is squibs you don't actually have to see the bad guys get

[12:46] some squibs they're running through a narrow hallway and there's just gunshot

[12:49] squibs going off everywhere and I'm like look they saved a lot of money doing the

[12:52] battles right they use that money to then call in an airstrike which opens up

[12:57] a crater unearthing amanet's tomb oh turns out Nick Cruz has been trying to

[13:03] find some antiquities based on a map he stole from a lady archaeologist named

[13:08] Jenny who he slept with he's kind of a silver-tongued devil he's always talking

[13:12] his way out of trouble and then part of the way into trouble yeah and he got her

[13:15] number from a bathroom stall it was eight six seven five three oh I believe

[13:19] yeah there's a deleted scene where he goes I got it I got got it yeah

[13:25] so Nick Vale and Jenny they go explore the tomb and they find a pit of mercury

[13:29] and there's all these ritual warnings he's like something very powerful is

[13:33] buried down here this is meant as a warning to keep this thing guarded in

[13:36] and other people out and this would be very ominous if Russell Crowe hadn't

[13:39] already told us everything that's in the hole so it's like yeah dude just get

[13:42] with the mummy you already told us about this familiar with this hole it's like

[13:46] but it I was think it's like if you afford by this hole already we've seen

[13:51] the hole that it's like if you alien was the exact same brilliant movie it is but

[13:57] beforehand there was a scene where the robot ash is being briefed about the

[14:01] xenomorph and they're like look there's this crazy alien he tripped but he busts

[14:05] out of chests and he spits acid blood he's got another little tiny mouth

[14:08] inside his big mouth don't put your face near one of its eggs yeah they were a

[14:13] bunch of space jockeys and it burst out of them on this planet go find him and

[14:16] then when John Hurt is exploring you'd be like speed it up John like we know

[14:21] what's gonna happen so the mummy has already undermined itself so Nick

[14:26] through his own dumb actions he ends up raising the sarcophagus out of the

[14:29] mercury bunch of CGI bugs come out everywhere and they bite veil and Nick

[14:32] hallucinates I'm gonna in the desert she tells him that he set her free and

[14:36] he's her chosen again we know what this means already because the movie told us

[14:40] but all the characters are way behind us so we're like speed it up guys they

[14:45] airlift out the sarcophagus Ravens everywhere a sandstorm comes in this

[14:48] mummy is bad news right off the bat but Jenny's real excited she's like an

[14:53] Egyptian sarcophagus in Mesopotamia and remind me so much of the Monty Python

[14:57] the meaning of life scene with like a tiger in Africa but Jenny takes a

[15:03] moment to be like Nick you only care about yourself that's your problem which

[15:06] is a weird thing to say to someone you assume you will never see again veil

[15:11] gets possessed by Amonet and he just starts stabbing away sorry Courtney

[15:15] B. Vance who we didn't mention is in the movie you get stabbed

[15:18] Veil's totally zombified and Nick has to shoot him a couple times louder Ravens

[15:23] smashes into the plane the pilots like that's so Raven and the other copilot

[15:28] laughs at it for half a second before they die before the Ravens beaks puncture

[15:32] his face like if I gotta go I gotta go laughing like you know I'd rather I'm in

[15:36] it take me with a smile on my face now I think this was the first scene where

[15:42] they really tried to be scary was it successful for you seeing Courtney B.

[15:47] Vance stabbed like that he's a great actor and I didn't want to see him go

[15:51] he was my favorite person so you were scared by the idea of Courtney B. Vance

[15:54] as an actor like just not making movies again we're not even we're being in the

[15:58] rest not me I didn't think they really stabbed him for real dad okay he's a

[16:03] good actor he was acting that he was stabbed oh I just I didn't like that

[16:07] being teased with hey Courtney B. Vance is gonna be in this movie and then they

[16:10] remove him yeah I mean you're scared by the loss of entertainment is what you're

[16:15] saying yeah exactly and it made me wish that he was the hero of the movie but so

[16:18] were you guys scared at this point uh I mean it was it was kind of weird how

[16:23] Jake Jack Johnson Jake Johnson was named shake stuff there the decision to have

[16:28] him have like one weird milky eye the whole time mm-hmm like cable yeah it was

[16:33] strange so that way I found it off that played into your fear of getting

[16:37] cataracts yes each time the mummy takes over somebody their eyeballs their

[16:43] pupils roll back into their heads and it looks hilarious it's like she played a

[16:46] slot machine yeah like you're like the mummy is making this person very much

[16:51] over it if someone doesn't use a gif of the later on when the when the computer

[16:59] worker his eyes roll back as a way to express I'm done with you over Twitter

[17:03] and why they even make this mummy movie the plane crashes we get some zero-g

[17:08] action as the plane is in a freefall they went up in a vomit comet to shoot

[17:12] this everybody it's not a bad scene yes it's very it very much feels like the

[17:16] moment like a scene they added in when Tom Cruise got attached to the project

[17:20] yeah they were like Tom Cruise will you want to play this movie I'm gonna fall

[17:22] at some point right like I'm gonna fall from a great height and be like oh like

[17:29] that's I mean he doesn't make that noise but I had to communicate the famous

[17:33] noise you in his earlier movies he hadn't really tied it down and he has

[17:39] yeah whenever yet whenever Tom Cruise has a stunt he chugs at his collar yeah

[17:46] I wonder if he's one of those guys that like that's the only way he feels alive

[17:50] anymore like he needs that rush I mean I have to assume so he's a strange man

[17:55] yeah I feel do you think is like stunt team is like shit we're making another

[18:00] movie like have I done a whole movie where I'm on fire yet you haven't have I

[18:06] done a whole movie where Tom I don't think you understand that movies about

[18:12] I want to do a movie where I drown in every scene all right Tom okay Nick

[18:18] saves Jenny's life by giving her the only parachute and the plane crashes in

[18:22] England I'm not sure and I couldn't I'm not sure if it's because they're flying

[18:26] to England's it's an American military flight maybe it's a base in England where

[18:29] if they took the the mess Iraq to like New York route that goes through the UK

[18:35] I don't know you think they'd be going to like long stool like I didn't hear

[18:40] the flight plans for this movie I'm I mean I think it was the scenic route

[18:45] they wanted to see all those castles yeah yeah I see that yeah yeah that's

[18:49] what the plane usually does that if you ask him nice swing by well add seven

[18:55] hours to the flight but sure what do you were in a tin can in the air why not so

[19:00] uh Nick crashes but then he wakes up in a body bag in a morgue untouched it's a

[19:05] chance for Tom Cruise to walk around with no clothes on it show us how

[19:08] guilty is it 54 years old he's jacked he is super Jack Jack Richard totally Jack

[19:17] preacher preacher feature Jack reach here yeah sure and veil starts talking

[19:24] to him that's right guys they are American werewolf in London ing veil he's

[19:28] now a ghost that talks to Nick meanwhile police were investigating the plane

[19:34] crash I thought was weird because they already investigated the plane crash

[19:37] right because they pulled Tom Cruise's body out of it and put it in a body bag

[19:40] so what these guys are investigating it like they didn't know a plane crashed

[19:43] yeah like they're the security guards and they're like I heard a sound but I

[19:48] guess I'll wait a minute this plane shouldn't be here it should be in the

[19:53] sky what's this flame doing in me bog

[20:00] I won a BAFTA award for that accent.

[20:03] You promised no accent work today.

[20:05] I never promised that.

[20:07] Anyway, they're the guys who are in every monster movie

[20:10] where it's their job to just wander in so the monster can kill them

[20:13] and show you what their powers are.

[20:14] The mummy, who is now a spiny, prickly, crackly, twitchy, crawly,

[20:19] kind of Ringu type of thing,

[20:21] kills them with death kisses and absorbs their life essence

[20:24] and starts reforming its body.

[20:26] And the cops become zombies who screech like raptors,

[20:29] which was kind of silly.

[20:31] And it's zombies walking around going like...

[20:35] And for the most part, all these scenes that have a lot of special effects

[20:38] are done as dark and muddy as possible.

[20:41] It is the dark universe.

[20:43] What?

[20:45] And it is also a way to cheap out on special effects.

[20:50] Jenny, she starts telling Nick, they go to a bar.

[20:53] She's like, it's weird that you survived that crash without a scratch.

[20:56] Anyway, I've been looking for this magic dagger and this magic jewel

[20:59] that you can use to perform a ritual that brings the god set into a man's body.

[21:05] Some crusaders took the jewel.

[21:07] And then she tells us more about the princess.

[21:09] And it's like, I know, we saw the beginning of the movie.

[21:13] Yeah, she should have just played the mummy starring Tom Cruise

[21:16] for Tom Cruise at that point.

[21:18] Here, watch this.

[21:19] Just like in Spaceballs.

[21:22] First Spaceballs reference of the night, guys.

[21:25] Buckle up.

[21:26] It's going to be a Spaceball-y night.

[21:28] I feel like we mentioned Monster Squad and Spaceballs.

[21:30] It's like, are we going to mention every movie that Elliot thought was awesome

[21:33] when he was 12?

[21:36] Meanwhile, Vail's ghost is like, Nick, meet me in the bathroom.

[21:39] And he goes, Nick, we're cursed.

[21:41] And Nick starts hallucinating that he's in an alleyway

[21:43] and the mummy attacks him with a horde of rats.

[21:45] And he's like, ah, ah.

[21:47] He comes to and he's with Jenny.

[21:48] And he's like, I saw a mummy.

[21:50] And she goes, eh, you just hit your head.

[21:52] You're crazy.

[21:53] And he's like, a scene ago, you were telling him about a magic tagger.

[21:58] Yeah, she'd mentioned that she thought they'd angered the gods at this point.

[22:02] Yes, she says, Nick, I think we may have angered the gods.

[22:04] One scene later, she's like, okay, enough with the crazy talk, crazy talk.

[22:08] I don't just believe in gods.

[22:10] I believe in God.

[22:11] I believe in the gods.

[22:14] It's one of these weird moments where I'm like,

[22:16] is this a sequel to Multiplicity and I didn't realize it?

[22:19] And the first Jenny went home and another Jenny showed up.

[22:23] But anyway, the mummy's just wandering around

[22:25] giving more guys zombifying kisses to steal their life energy or something.

[22:28] And it was around this time that I realized

[22:30] Tom Cruise is a man in his mid-fifties, very well preserved.

[22:34] And in his movies, he's always matched up with a younger woman

[22:37] and kind of feeds off their younger energy.

[22:41] Guys.

[22:42] Yeah, what are you suggesting, Elliot?

[22:44] I think Tom Cruise

[22:46] What?

[22:47] is a mummy.

[22:48] Oh, man.

[22:50] Elliot, are you skipping to the end of the movie?

[22:53] Only thematically.

[22:54] I mean, in real life.

[22:55] But anyway, for the purposes of my career,

[22:57] I did not call Tom Cruise a mummy.

[23:00] Anyway, Nick and Jenny are like,

[23:02] hey, let's go over to this old crappy church near the crash site.

[23:05] Not crappy, this old creepy church.

[23:06] It's a beautiful church.

[23:07] Anyway, I'm sure it's a landmark historic site.

[23:10] It's so sad that so much zombie damage takes place.

[23:13] They go to this castle church where the mummy shows up

[23:16] and there's a zombie fight.

[23:18] She captures Nick and she's about to stab him

[23:20] when she sees the jewel is not in the dagger.

[23:23] Oh, boy.

[23:24] She forgot the jewel.

[23:26] She's going to have to go back home,

[23:28] get it, put it in the dagger,

[23:30] come back to Tom Cruise.

[23:32] And it's like with a Lyft driver.

[23:34] You have to pay him both ways.

[23:35] I guess you tip both ways, too.

[23:37] Of course you tip both ways.

[23:38] It's probably separate drivers.

[23:40] He's not going to wait for you outside.

[23:42] He's not making a living wage.

[23:43] He's got to keep hustling.

[23:44] Come on.

[23:46] I apologize.

[23:48] Oh, I'm sorry.

[23:49] The audience is very upset about that.

[23:51] I didn't realize that this is the national convention

[23:53] of diluted Lyft drivers.

[24:00] I didn't realize there was such a hot button issue out here.

[24:03] I don't really think of Seattle as a place

[24:05] with a lot of tech app type stuff.

[24:12] What do I think of when I think of Seattle?

[24:14] No coffee.

[24:15] No tech app stuff.

[24:17] No Seahawks.

[24:18] Sunny.

[24:19] Very sunny.

[24:21] Anyway, so she's like, oh, my jam.

[24:23] I need it.

[24:24] There's a big zombie mummy fight.

[24:26] At this point, Tom Cruise is just kicking mummies apart

[24:28] and smashing them with his hands.

[24:29] And there's some kind of funny gags in it,

[24:31] but it's so dark it's hard to really make out what's going on.

[24:34] They get away in an ambulance, which was there.

[24:37] I guess that's the ambulance that the people who came

[24:39] to examine the crash site were in.

[24:40] I don't know.

[24:42] Relic churches are also ambulance parking lots in England.

[24:49] They attack zombies or get them to crawl all over their car.

[24:52] Well, there's a moment where Tom Cruise is the one

[24:55] who brought them back here, and he's also the one

[24:57] who's driving the car, and they're talking,

[24:59] and he's driving, and all of a sudden,

[25:00] he realizes he just drove back.

[25:02] He can't get away from that mummy.

[25:06] He is committed to this dark universe.

[25:08] Jenny goes, she's in your head, and he should have gone,

[25:10] zombie, zombie, but he doesn't.

[25:14] He doesn't.

[25:15] For a while when we were watching it.

[25:17] Are we supposed to believe Tom Cruise is not familiar

[25:19] with the work of the Cranberries?

[25:21] Because, correct me if I'm wrong,

[25:23] didn't he star in Far and Away, a movie about an Irishman?

[25:28] I guess I can't argue with that math.

[25:32] I guess you're right, Elliot.

[25:34] Well, I mean, it felt kind of like they were playing

[25:37] that song in the movie, because you kept singing it

[25:40] over and over.

[25:42] It's a solid song.

[25:43] It's a solid horror song.

[25:44] It's off-putting.

[25:46] Anyway, they crash the car.

[25:48] They drive back to where the mummy is.

[25:50] They crash the car, and the mummy's about to kill Jenny

[25:52] when, tranq darts, not this again,

[25:55] some commando, black ops, wet works,

[25:57] infiltrate, exfiltrate types come in,

[25:59] and there's like several dozen of them,

[26:01] and they kidnap the mummy, and they tranq up Tom Cruise,

[26:04] which seems unnecessary at that point.

[26:06] Anyway, this is where the Dark Universe

[26:09] really gets universey, because they get taken

[26:12] to the headquarters of Prodigium,

[26:15] which is the British government's,

[26:17] they don't really explain what it is,

[26:18] kind of secret evil hunting force,

[26:20] and it's led by Russell Crowe as, you guessed it,

[26:23] Dr. Henry Jekyll.

[26:25] Uh-oh!

[26:26] Of Heckle and Jekyll, the cartoon crows!

[26:29] He's the one who sounds like Jimmy Durante, I think.

[26:34] Uh, yeah, I'm not a big Heckle head, so I don't,

[26:38] or a Jekyll head.

[26:39] You're more of a Jek boy?

[26:40] Yeah.

[26:41] You love jecking off to the Jekyll part of the cartoon?

[26:43] Yeah, that's right.

[26:45] Anyway, Henry Jekyll in the part, in the,

[26:48] Russell Crowe, he gives a bunch of long speeches

[26:50] about the shape of evil.

[26:51] We're always looking for evil.

[26:52] He is so avoiding saying the word monster.

[26:54] Like, it is crazy the tap dancing he has to do

[26:57] linguistically to get around saying monster.

[26:59] But you see, like, there's like a Gilman hand in a jar,

[27:02] and there's like a Dracula skull in a jar.

[27:04] It's all, there's all sorts of great stuff.

[27:06] And Henry Jekyll, he's got to inject himself

[27:08] with this anti-hyde medicine, or else Edward comes out.

[27:11] And no, not Eddie the dog from Frasier.

[27:14] Uh-huh.

[27:15] You're talking about Eddie Deason,

[27:17] your favorite actor of all time?

[27:18] My favorite actor of all time, Eddie Deason,

[27:20] from War Games, I Want to Hold Your Hand,

[27:22] all sorts of great stuff.

[27:23] 1941.

[27:24] 1941, yeah, sure.

[27:25] Nerd-type movies, all sorts of them.

[27:27] Except Revenge of the Nerds, he's not in that.

[27:29] That feels like a mistake.

[27:32] Like an oversight.

[27:33] Yeah, Eddie Deason was on the phone to his agent,

[27:36] being like, why was I not in them?

[27:38] I gave you one job.

[27:40] Get me the nerd roles.

[27:42] But apparently, I was listening to an interview,

[27:43] apparently people come up to him all the time

[27:44] and tell him how much they liked him

[27:45] in Revenge of the Nerds.

[27:47] He's like, you're welcome, thanks, I guess.

[27:49] Anyway, Jenny also works for Prodigium.

[27:52] Uh-oh.

[27:53] What does that mean?

[27:54] Not much, really.

[27:55] It means that it's even more baffling

[27:57] that she did not believe that Amami was after Tom Cruise.

[28:00] That is a good point.

[28:01] Was she just playing a game with his heart?

[28:04] I don't understand.

[28:05] They've chained up Amanet in a room,

[28:08] and they're just pumping mercury into her body

[28:10] in the hopes that eventually she will settle down enough

[28:13] that they can dissect her.

[28:14] And Amanet...

[28:15] As anyone would do if you pumped mercury into their body.

[28:18] Because they've explained earlier that mercury

[28:20] is like Egyptian anti-magic,

[28:21] but no bad stuff, magic stuff.

[28:23] So if you're ever attacked by an Egyptian mummy,

[28:25] crack open a thermometer and just shove it in her face.

[28:28] Come on.

[28:29] That's the way to do it.

[28:30] Yeah.

[28:31] Get an old Victorian hat

[28:32] and just kind of wring all the mercury out of the felt.

[28:36] Wear gloves.

[28:37] It will drive you crazy if you don't.

[28:38] It'll probably work for a normal human, too,

[28:40] to shove a mercury thermometer in their face

[28:42] if you want to stop them.

[28:43] All bases are covered, yeah.

[28:45] And Amanet is like...

[28:46] Because she's awake and just talking to them.

[28:48] Hey, Nick, you're going to take my lover's place

[28:50] in the set ritual.

[28:51] And they tell the story again of when she killed her family.

[28:55] And she literally says,

[28:56] they were different times.

[28:57] And it's like, oh, so...

[28:59] People didn't know it was wrong back then?

[29:01] Like, it was okay to do those things?

[29:03] Like, look, we're more enlightened now.

[29:05] People know it's not okay to kill your baby brother

[29:08] and slit your dad's throat while he's sleeping.

[29:10] Like, back then, we didn't know those things were okay.

[29:12] It wasn't okay.

[29:13] It was a more innocent time.

[29:14] Yeah, it was a different time.

[29:15] Ghosts give blowjobs.

[29:17] Who knows?

[29:20] And she starts tempting him with a vision in her head.

[29:23] Meanwhile, the workers at that crusader tomb

[29:26] remember that.

[29:27] They find the gemstone that belongs in the dagger.

[29:29] And Amonet has some kind of psychic premonition

[29:31] that she's done it.

[29:32] And she's like, time to go to end phase.

[29:35] And meanwhile, Jekyll's like...

[29:37] So wait, is this a she-intended-to-get-captured situation?

[29:40] I don't think so.

[29:41] Because that's your favorite thing a bad guy can do, right?

[29:43] Oh, I love it.

[29:44] I love it when a bad guy intends to get captured

[29:45] and then does something that he could have done

[29:47] much more easily outside of a jail.

[29:49] I don't understand why.

[29:51] It's like, every now and then...

[29:53] I don't know if this happens in DC Comics,

[29:54] because I don't read that.

[29:55] But every now and then in Marvel Comics,

[29:57] the same villain will show up in five books in one book.

[30:00] month, like suddenly five guys were all like,

[30:02] hey, you know who we haven't seen in a while?

[30:03] Bin Fang Fung.

[30:06] Let me put him in my book and I'll just pretend

[30:08] he hasn't been seen in a while.

[30:09] So you read-

[30:10] Which is a, by the way, for people who don't know,

[30:12] a giant dragon man.

[30:14] He's a giant alien who looks like a dragon.

[30:17] And he wears little purple shorts.

[30:19] And you can put him to sleep with like a magic onion

[30:22] if you make him smell it.

[30:23] I don't know if that's still part of canon,

[30:25] but in the original story, that's what they do.

[30:29] And so suddenly you're reading five books

[30:31] that Fin Fang Fung shows up in and you're like,

[30:33] this is a lot, I mean, I love Fin Fang Fung,

[30:35] this is a lot of Fin Fang Fung all of a sudden.

[30:37] So it's like, this movie is not,

[30:41] so at that, sorry, I'm trying to remember

[30:43] how I got onto that.

[30:46] There was that period where some-

[30:46] You just love Fin Fang Fung.

[30:48] I mean, I do love Fin Fang Fung,

[30:49] but it's like even I can have too much Triple F, you know?

[30:52] But there was this period where every movie

[30:54] they were like, hey, what if it turns out

[30:56] the bad guy wanted to get captured?

[30:58] And I wanted to be like, Hollywood,

[30:59] let's sit down for a minute.

[31:01] Now, let's table that issue about all the reboots.

[31:05] As I tried to explain to you guys

[31:06] that when Kahn showed up in Star Trek the first time,

[31:09] it was just an idea somebody had

[31:10] and it wasn't like a thing they were referencing.

[31:12] You don't have to do, you can make a new thing.

[31:14] You don't have to do Kahn again.

[31:16] So let's forget that.

[31:17] But guys, do you think it would be cool

[31:20] if the villain got captured on purpose as part of his plan

[31:24] and five screenwriters all go,

[31:25] hey, I was gonna do that.

[31:26] And then they look at each other and go, uh-oh.

[31:30] I wish I could do that, but it's too late now.

[31:32] I've seen everything.

[31:33] It's too late, yeah.

[31:34] So anyway, I don't, but no,

[31:35] I don't think this is one of those cases.

[31:37] I think she didn't want to get captured,

[31:38] but they are so bad at capturing monsters

[31:41] that it just didn't hurt her at all anyway.

[31:43] And because she uses a, so anyway, Dr. Jekyll's like,

[31:47] so we're gonna end the curse.

[31:47] We're gonna do the ritual.

[31:48] And then when Set is in your body, I'm gonna kill you.

[31:51] And that way we'll kill Set.

[31:52] Tom Cruise, for some reason, doesn't like this idea.

[31:54] And he's like.

[31:55] He's like, what?

[31:56] He's like, whoa, hold on a second, yeah.

[32:00] And you're gonna kill me, Tom Cruise?

[32:02] And Russell Crowe's like.

[32:03] I'm never gonna die.

[32:04] And Russell Crowe's like.

[32:04] I'm gonna ascend with Xenu.

[32:05] He's like, mate, mate, let's,

[32:08] Russell Crowe's like, mate, let's shut off the cameras.

[32:10] Again, it's not, we're not really killing you.

[32:12] It's a character.

[32:13] You're in a movie.

[32:14] And Tom's just like, right, right, right, right.

[32:16] I forgot, I forgot, okay.

[32:17] I don't remember when I'm not in a movie

[32:19] and when I'm in a movie or not, okay.

[32:22] And so, but it's one of those things where it's like,

[32:24] it's a weird idea, like, okay,

[32:25] they're gonna give this god a mortal form

[32:27] and then murder it.

[32:28] It made me wonder, why does Set want a mortal form so badly?

[32:31] How does that help him in any way?

[32:33] Probably because being in a mortal body

[32:35] lets you feel the pleasures of the flesh.

[32:38] So you're saying.

[32:41] You can eat all the ice cream in the world.

[32:45] You can cover your body in all the ice cream you can buy.

[32:50] Wait, are those the pleasures of the flesh?

[32:54] I've been doing it wrong.

[32:55] You can make ice cream with your family.

[32:59] So you're saying Set is sitting on a throne

[33:02] in the Egyptian underworld

[33:04] and he's just kind of like weighing,

[33:06] he's weighing the hearts of dead souls against a feather

[33:08] to see if they belong in the eternal rest or eternal fire.

[33:11] And he's like, oh, all this power means nothing

[33:14] because I'll never know what Stephen Colbert's

[33:16] Americone dream tastes like.

[33:18] Yeah, that's exactly what I said.

[33:26] Ah, what worth all these souls

[33:29] if Chunky Monkey has denied me?

[33:33] Anyway, so Nick's like, I don't like that.

[33:35] And he says, Hyde, no, he says,

[33:36] Jekyll, I'm not gonna give you your meds.

[33:38] I'm gonna take them from you until you don't kill me.

[33:40] And he's like, well, now I'm gonna turn into Mr. Hyde

[33:42] and we're gonna fight a little bit.

[33:44] And Mr. Hyde is like, Dr. Jekyll is very refined.

[33:47] Of course, Mr. Hyde is a cockney bruiser.

[33:50] Yeah, there's a weird class system thing going on there.

[33:54] Like as soon as he turns evil,

[33:55] he just like, he's a lower class.

[33:57] I would say that Russell Crowe is much more adept

[34:00] at playing the bruiser than the refined guy.

[34:05] When he comes walking out with a book,

[34:06] I'm like, there's, that book is empty.

[34:09] It's like, there's a flask in there.

[34:12] It's like the moment in any porn movie

[34:15] where a guy's supposed to be working in an office

[34:16] and he's this jacked ex-con

[34:18] wearing a very ill-fitting suit and tie.

[34:21] Yeah, he's got like a neck tattoo.

[34:23] You're like, you're not an accountant.

[34:27] But with Russell Crowe in a book.

[34:28] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[34:30] It's more likely to be like a Nintendo Power

[34:32] or like country music guitar tablatures.

[34:38] Anyway.

[34:43] Sure, I mean, he's got a band.

[34:44] Yeah, 30-odd foot of grunt, sure.

[34:47] Not good for called 30-odd foot of reasonable discussion.

[34:51] So the mummy uses a spider to crawl into a lab worker's ear.

[34:54] It takes forever for this lab worker

[34:55] to realize a spider is crawling on his face.

[34:58] And it crawls into his ear and he's like,

[35:00] huh, weird feeling in my ear.

[35:01] That's the thing, like,

[35:03] I slap my face thinking there's a bug on it

[35:05] way more often than there's ever a bug on it.

[35:08] I like to think that if there's an actual

[35:10] evil magic bug on my face, I would know it.

[35:12] I wish there was a little scene

[35:14] that showed him getting there late to work

[35:16] and he's like, oh, a dentist appointment,

[35:17] oh, well, a novocaine.

[35:21] Go ahead, slap me in the face, can't feel it.

[35:23] No, all right, maybe, just don't wait till it wears off.

[35:30] I love that, that was literally true.

[35:32] And the director was like talking to the screenwriter,

[35:33] like, I know what you're getting at,

[35:36] but I don't think we need the scene in here.

[35:38] The screenwriter's like,

[35:39] how else does he not feel the spider on his face?

[35:42] And the director is like,

[35:43] that's really what you're wondering about right now?

[35:46] So, the mummy controls that guy

[35:49] and he frees her by just smashing up all the machinery

[35:52] and she calls up a wind and sandstorm and Nicky.

[35:56] She does a little bit of Cirque du Soleil stuff, too.

[35:59] Yeah, she's swinging around on chains, it's all very,

[36:02] what's a Cirque du Soleil slow show?

[36:03] I don't know, love?

[36:04] Maybe that love show.

[36:05] Yeah, that one, one more called Gymnastimento.

[36:08] Zumanity?

[36:09] Zumanity, yeah, that's right.

[36:11] Yeah, was that the original title of Zootopia?

[36:14] That was the original title of Zoobilee Zoo.

[36:18] Where magic and wonder are waiting for you.

[36:21] Dan, you picked, I think, the one children's theme song

[36:23] where I'm like, I'll take your word for it.

[36:24] I don't know the words to that one.

[36:26] Ask me the Denver Laz Dinosaurs song,

[36:28] I'll tell you all about that.

[36:30] Tell me about, I'll tell you about Zuzia,

[36:32] but I don't know Zoobilee Zoo.

[36:33] I only know the theme song

[36:35] because it would come on and be like,

[36:36] well, time to turn the television off.

[36:38] So, it was like when I used to record

[36:41] The Office on NBC on my DVR,

[36:43] there'd always be that one minute of Outsourced

[36:45] at the end and I'd be like, delete.

[36:48] Don't wanna watch this.

[36:49] Anyway, I wanna make our,

[36:52] the kind of thing that I'm gonna make a lot,

[36:54] this warning, now that I live in LA,

[36:56] a lot of great people worked on this movie.

[36:58] A lot of great people worked on Outsourced.

[37:00] I am in no way saying the people who worked on it are bad.

[37:03] Sometimes good people work on bad things.

[37:04] Anyway, so, she calls up a wind and sandstorm.

[37:08] Nick and Jenny just outrun it like crazy

[37:10] and they're just running past civilians.

[37:12] They are not trying to help anybody.

[37:14] And it gets so big, all the windows in London are shattering.

[37:18] A huge sand cloud with the mummy's face on it

[37:20] engulfs the parliament building.

[37:23] And this is, we never see how this affects London.

[37:27] Like, it just kind of happens and it's like,

[37:29] all right, I guess London just dealt with that.

[37:31] Like, all the glaziers in London

[37:33] were rubbing their hands together with glee.

[37:36] Boys, put down those bankruptcy papers.

[37:39] And I'm back in business.

[37:40] I'm sure it chased the transit news off of the news that night.

[37:44] Like, there's a bigger story than the transit.

[37:47] Hold on, we don't have-

[37:48] Although, if all the windows are broken,

[37:50] all this sand around.

[37:53] I don't know where you're-

[37:54] You're looking at me as if I know

[37:55] where you're going with this.

[37:56] You can make glass out of sand.

[37:58] Okay.

[37:59] Yeah, but it's not like you can just do that at home.

[38:01] Thanks.

[38:04] You still gotta pay a guy to do the job.

[38:05] It's a life hack.

[38:06] It's a life hack, yeah.

[38:07] It's a life hack for all the Londoners.

[38:08] That's a life hack.

[38:10] If something ever happens to your window,

[38:11] just get a tub full of sand,

[38:14] and then do something to it.

[38:15] And then become a glazier.

[38:16] Yeah.

[38:17] Get fucking Superman or somebody's show

[38:19] over and laser beam it.

[38:21] I do wish there'd been a scene

[38:22] where the queen is being introduced to a duke

[38:24] from somewhere,

[38:25] and his monocle smashes.

[38:29] And she goes, I know.

[38:32] Anyway, they're all running around.

[38:34] Nick jumps through a bus,

[38:35] which is kind of a cool stunt.

[38:37] Yeah.

[38:37] Like, a bus is sliding towards them,

[38:39] and he jumps through the windshield

[38:40] and just kind of rolls around the seats for a while.

[38:42] Vale's ghost shows up and is like,

[38:43] Nick, follow me,

[38:44] and takes them to a train tunnel

[38:46] where they are attacked by zombies.

[38:48] I don't know why Vale took them there.

[38:51] I don't know what that was supposed to accomplish.

[38:52] I think he has to, like,

[38:54] complete his, like,

[38:56] delivery of him to the mummy, maybe,

[38:57] so he can rest in peace.

[38:58] He's gotta get a signature from the mummy.

[39:00] Yeah.

[39:01] Yeah, yeah.

[39:02] It's like a process server for the mummy.

[39:03] What if they showed up in the mummy's tomb

[39:05] and the mummy's not in?

[39:05] It's like, sorry, Nick,

[39:06] we're going back to the holding facility.

[39:08] We'll just stick up this incredibly easy-to-remove

[39:12] adhesive piece of paper to the mummy's tomb door.

[39:15] Yeah, and write some arbitrary time on it,

[39:17] because I was fucking home at that time.

[39:21] Write a number down that,

[39:22] if you put it into the internet,

[39:23] they're like, no, don't recognize this number.

[39:26] Or it says, we'll be back tomorrow at the same time,

[39:28] the time we already know you're not at the house.

[39:32] He wasn't here at 11 a.m.,

[39:34] a time when almost nobody is at their house.

[39:37] I'll come back at 11 a.m. tomorrow.

[39:39] It's more convenient for me.

[39:40] Well, that's our five minute on deliveries,

[39:42] so we'll, you've been great.

[39:44] Now for our five minutes on deliverance.

[39:46] You may be a redneck if...

[39:51] If you fuck Ned Beatty?

[39:53] I mean, it seems like that's casting a pretty wide net.

[39:57] No, not every redneck, but if you do.

[40:00] No, not everyone who has had sex with Ned Batey is in a redneck, Dan.

[40:04] I'm saying exactly that.

[40:06] No, you're not saying that at all.

[40:08] All right, Ned Batey's wife is in a redneck.

[40:10] Well, we don't know that, Dan.

[40:12] I'm just saying, let's not take it for granted.

[40:14] Way to keep one foot on shore over here, Dan.

[40:18] You open us up to a real libel suit from Mr. and Mrs. Batey.

[40:24] And I don't mean Warren Batey and the Ned Batey.

[40:26] They're lovely.

[40:28] We're so close to the end.

[40:30] Okay, so the mummy attacks the place where the Crusader knights are.

[40:34] Those Crusader knights come to life, and now they work for the mummy.

[40:37] It's like, do you guys forget why you brought the gem here in the first place?

[40:40] Because I did.

[40:41] Why did you bring that gem here in the first place?

[40:43] What did you think it was?

[40:45] And Amonette puts the gem on the dagger.

[40:48] Uh-oh.

[40:49] And it does something that, Stuart, I think you said you liked.

[40:51] Yeah, it's like suction's in there, like it's a magnet.

[40:55] Yeah.

[40:57] I liked it.

[40:59] It reminds me of the first time I got a laptop where there was a magnet in the charger thing,

[41:04] and I held it up to the charging port, and it just kind of finished the job,

[41:07] and I was like, that's pretty nice.

[41:09] The future's now.

[41:11] That saved me a millimeter of movement.

[41:14] Thank you, Apple.

[41:16] Well, it's that last millimeter that's the hardest.

[41:18] Yeah, that was worth losing the ability to play CDs or DVDs on my computer.

[41:22] Thank you.

[41:23] Worth you putting a proprietary port on everything and then changing it every couple of years?

[41:27] Sure.

[41:28] There is going to come a time when Apple has a new kind of electricity that we all have to use.

[41:33] I guess I've got to rewire my house for Apple current.

[41:36] And Apple's going to electrocute an elephant to show us how good it is.

[41:41] Yeah.

[41:43] Terrible.

[41:44] Thanks for nothing, Apple.

[41:47] Tim Cook with your Cook's Tours of Europe.

[41:50] Okay.

[41:52] What Anthony Bourdain did, which I think brought the audience down.

[41:56] I think you're reading way too much.

[41:59] Anyway, Jenny drowns in a flooded tunnel.

[42:05] I don't remember how they got in a flooded tunnel.

[42:07] Nick gets captured, and the mummy is beating the shit out of him.

[42:10] But Nick uses this, steals the dagger out from under her very mummified nose,

[42:17] and after briefly beating her up a little bit, stabs himself with the dagger.

[42:23] And he shakes around, and he gets double-pupiled like her.

[42:26] And the gem goes dark, and the dagger shatters.

[42:28] And now he is set.

[42:30] Yeah, this is the moment I look over at Ellie, and I'm like, this is going to be good.

[42:34] And the mummy...

[42:36] So then he choke slams a woman a bunch.

[42:38] Yeah.

[42:39] He starts picking up the mummy and just hammering her into the ground.

[42:42] And it's like, even knowing she's a deadly mummy, this is kind of not cool.

[42:45] This is what the audience wants to see, is the leader of a crazy fucking religious cult beating up a woman.

[42:53] And then he chooses, and then I guess this is turned about as fair play,

[42:57] but he chooses the most demeaning way to kill the mummy.

[42:59] He gives her a big old kiss on the lips, and she shrivels up.

[43:01] And he's like, ah, I've regained myself.

[43:04] I've remembered who I am, and I'm no longer set in the death god.

[43:06] And he screams at Jenny until she wakes up and comes back to life.

[43:10] And it's like, even that, it's like, how do I bring my beloved back to life?

[43:13] With a kiss? No, I'll just yell at her until she wakes up.

[43:17] Jenny, we're late!

[43:19] Get a life!

[43:20] Stupid dead body.

[43:22] Jenny, my boss is waiting for us!

[43:25] I am not ready.

[43:26] Jenny, Steely Dan is already two songs in, probably.

[43:30] Get up!

[43:32] Anyway, and so Nick goes to the shadows.

[43:34] He's now some kind of monster creature.

[43:36] What kind? We don't know.

[43:37] A mummy, I guess.

[43:38] We can't see him because he's in the shadows reenacting the Carlitos Way poster.

[43:42] And he's given up his humanity for Jenny.

[43:45] And so he disappears and walks off into the darkness.

[43:48] Just like Forrest Gump did, right?

[43:51] Walks off into the darkness.

[43:53] No, he traded his humanity for Jenny.

[43:56] Weird reading of that movie, but...

[43:58] I guess so.

[43:59] I think that's what happened.

[44:00] Like, that feather is his soul, and he allows it to...

[44:03] And Anubis is going to weigh it against another feather, I guess?

[44:06] A box of chocolates, exactly.

[44:09] Pretty clear in the text there, dude.

[44:11] It's like Anubis weighs your heart against a box of chocolates,

[44:14] but Anubis keeps eating the chocolates, so it's like,

[44:16] Wait, wait, wait, wait, you're making that box lighter.

[44:18] That's not fair.

[44:20] Which is crazy, because he's a dog-headed deity,

[44:23] and chocolate is terrible for dogs.

[44:26] He's going to be weighing his own soul soon.

[44:28] Oh, boy.

[44:29] So, Dr. Jekyll shows up and he talks to Jenny about how

[44:31] now Nick's out there trying to find out if he's good or evil,

[44:34] and Nick brings Vale back to life,

[44:36] and they go back to the desert,

[44:38] and Dr. Jekyll says they're going to search the world

[44:40] for a cure for the curse,

[44:42] but he'll always fight the evil in him,

[44:44] and Nick is like, Let's go on an adventure.

[44:46] Like, I don't think he's looking for a cure.

[44:48] And they put Amunet back in her mercury box,

[44:52] come back another day in the next Dark Universe movie,

[44:55] which I assume is going to be called, like, Frankenstein's Pal.

[45:00] So we then fast-forwarded through the credits,

[45:03] hoping for some kind of post-credits scene.

[45:05] I wanted a scene where they're like,

[45:07] Dr. Jekyll's in his office,

[45:09] just reading a book, as I always do.

[45:11] I'm a refined, intelligent Oxbridge gentleman,

[45:13] and the phone rings.

[45:15] Totally normal book.

[45:16] There's an intercom that goes,

[45:17] Dr. Jekyll, the other doctor is here to see you.

[45:20] What other doctor?

[45:21] He says his name is Frankenstein,

[45:23] but that doesn't happen.

[45:24] Or I was waiting for it to be like,

[45:26] a man is here to see you,

[45:28] he says his name is Man, Wolfman,

[45:30] but that doesn't happen.

[45:32] This reminds me of the trailer that you said

[45:35] you always wanted to see, Stuart,

[45:37] where someone runs down the hall in the White House

[45:39] and comes in and goes,

[45:40] Mr. President, have you ever heard of a werewolf?

[45:47] Which I think is the most amazing thing.

[45:50] What is this werewolf doing that's a national issue?

[45:54] I mean, that's what your imagination's for, Elliot.

[45:57] Because I have to imagine the rest of the movie?

[45:59] Yeah, that's what a trailer's all about.

[46:01] It's a teaser.

[46:03] What I was really hoping for was a scene where

[46:06] Russell Crowe, Dr. Jekyll,

[46:08] is reading a totally normal book

[46:10] and not a collection of pornography

[46:12] that he printed off the internet

[46:14] and is self-bound at a Kinko's.

[46:18] Oh, he doesn't have a book-binding apparatus

[46:20] in his garage or something?

[46:22] No.

[46:23] And he's falling asleep at his desk.

[46:25] He slides across the counter at Kinko's,

[46:26] he's like, can you bind this for me?

[46:27] Don't look at it.

[46:29] And he falls asleep at his desk

[46:31] and he wakes up in a dream world

[46:33] and we hear a familiar voice say,

[46:35] I think you need a new member of your dark universe, bitch.

[46:39] Freddy!

[46:42] And Freddy Krueger steps out into frame.

[46:46] He's a universal monster, right?

[46:47] No. What if it was like...

[46:49] I mean, I think Elliot fears universal language.

[46:52] He's universal in the sense that we all love him.

[46:55] That's true.

[46:56] He's a universal monster that he exists in all cultures.

[47:01] Much like the trickster god

[47:03] or a story of a flood.

[47:06] Or if it was like,

[47:07] he's like, we need another monster

[47:09] and Jane Fonda walks out and she goes,

[47:10] how about a monster in law?

[47:13] And then Lily Tomlin walks out and goes,

[47:15] no, we're Grace and Frankie now.

[47:17] All right.

[47:18] We're running late, so let's...

[47:20] I just want to say one thing.

[47:21] Okay, quick.

[47:22] It can be part of my final judgment.

[47:24] Okay, yeah.

[47:25] This is where we do final judgments.

[47:26] Dark judgments.

[47:27] A good bad movie,

[47:28] a bad bad movie,

[47:29] or a movie we kind of liked.

[47:31] Elliot, you were going to say something, so...

[47:34] Bad bad guys.

[47:35] But anyway, let's get to what I was going to say.

[47:37] I love the universal monsters.

[47:39] I love them to death.

[47:40] Even beyond death,

[47:41] like many of the monsters themselves.

[47:44] There was a time when my wardrobe consisted

[47:45] mainly of universal monsters t-shirts

[47:47] and black jeans.

[47:48] They make t-shirts like those for guys bigger than me.

[47:51] Did I tuck in those t-shirts?

[47:52] Damn straight I did.

[47:55] Anyways.

[47:57] So here's what I was going to say.

[47:59] There's no one who would rather see

[48:00] a revitalized universal monsters more than me.

[48:03] And no one who would like to see it less

[48:04] than the descendants of the monster actors themselves

[48:06] who make nothing off these movies.

[48:08] That's not true.

[48:09] They make a little bit,

[48:10] thanks to the court battle they had a few years ago.

[48:12] But anyway, so...

[48:13] But they are doing it...

[48:15] You refute your own point.

[48:18] I'm my own worst enemy, like Jekyll and Hyde.

[48:20] Jekyll and Hyde.

[48:22] They are doing it like so weirdly

[48:25] by trying to make them into kind of like action-y...

[48:29] Like they're trying to make them into superhero movies.

[48:31] The idea that what,

[48:32] the monsters are now going to team up

[48:33] and be a team that fights other monsters.

[48:36] Whereas in the old universal monster crossover movies,

[48:39] they were just a bunch of monsters

[48:40] that fought each other and ate people.

[48:42] And it would be like,

[48:43] the only good one was the wolfman

[48:44] because he was always trying to get cured,

[48:46] but he never could.

[48:48] But why would you try to start this?

[48:50] It's the mummy of all monsters.

[48:52] Is there a less dynamic monster than the mummy?

[48:56] I know there's a lot of mum heads out there.

[48:59] But let me just say this.

[49:00] Sure, they tried it first with Dracula.

[49:01] It didn't work.

[49:02] Of course they did.

[49:03] Dracula is the diamond in the crown

[49:05] in that he's sexy,

[49:06] which the other universal monsters are not.

[49:09] Go to Frankenstein.

[49:10] Dude, it's not mummy.

[49:13] What are you thinking?

[49:14] Here's the hierarchy of universal monsters.

[49:16] Dracula up top.

[49:17] Two reasons.

[49:18] Sexy.

[49:19] Has a medal.

[49:20] He was in the Olympics.

[49:23] Number two.

[49:24] Frankenstein.

[49:25] Goes without saying.

[49:27] He's only the Chewbacca of the team.

[49:29] Exactly.

[49:30] He's the Chewbacca of the universal monsters.

[49:31] He's sympathetic,

[49:32] even though he rips the arms off of people.

[49:34] As seen in Son of Frankenstein.

[49:36] Anyway.

[49:38] Number three.

[49:39] You guessed it.

[49:41] Wolfman.

[49:42] Yeah, yeah, of course.

[49:43] I'll tell you why.

[49:44] Everyone can relate to him.

[49:45] Everyone goes through a time in their life

[49:46] when they have just too much hair.

[49:48] So...

[49:49] I mean, you're still in that time, Al.

[49:51] And I will be forever, unfortunately.

[49:53] It's a curse that we pass on

[49:54] from generation to generation in my family.

[49:56] So do you put the mummy above Gilman?

[49:58] No, I don't.

[49:59] I'll tell you why.

[50:00] why? Yell man, beautiful design. Gorgeous. So beautiful. Women want to have sex with it.

[50:05] It's sexy too. There was a movie about it. It won Best Picture.

[50:11] Guillermo del Toro is rebooting Universal Monsters so much better than

[50:15] Universal is right now. I want him to keep doing off-brand Universal Monster

[50:20] movies where women have sex with each of these monsters.

[50:26] Okay, next. Oh, we don't have time. Do it fast. You think I'm gonna say Mummy? No.

[50:33] Metaluno Mutant from this island Earth. Oh God, come on. We sympathize with him because

[50:38] he can't tie his shoes because he has pincers for hands and his brain is

[50:41] exposed. He's very vulnerable. He's the emo monster. All right. Then finally, Mummy.

[50:48] Okay. You know why you put him last? Why? Because he's all wrapped up in himself.

[50:53] Okay. My final judgment is Bad Bad Stewart. Guys. All right. No, this was a

[51:06] Bad Bad movie. Yeah, there was just so many flashbacks. What's up with that, Dan?

[51:10] Why all the flashbacks? You know, something about the Mummy makes us nostalgic.

[51:15] Yeah. It was the movie that thought we couldn't understand the concept of evil

[51:20] Mummy comes back. That makes it sound like evil Mummy comes back to his

[51:26] hometown. It's his high school reunion. Yeah. And he's like, I guess I should show

[51:32] up. Or she. It's a woman in this one. Yeah. I guess I should show them what I've

[51:35] accomplished in 20 years. Nothing. I live at the same tomb with the same scarabs.

[51:40] The same wrappings. Same old wrappings. They're like, Mummy, you were really the BMOC. Big Mummy on

[51:46] campus. Like, what's with all that promise? You were voted most likely to be

[51:52] exhumed. Like, what's been going on with you? Oh, nothing. I don't know what

[51:57] I'm doing in my life. It's like Young Adult, basically, but with a Mummy. Yeah.

[52:01] All right. So, yeah. So, I guess what I'm saying is, Universal, keep trying.

[52:12] Hey, we're Ben and Adam, and we're here to tell you about our Star Trek podcast,

[52:16] The Greatest Generation. Why should I listen to a Star Trek podcast? You may be

[52:20] asking yourself. Well, ours is actually good and funny. We joke around. We have a

[52:26] lot of fun. We talk about film production techniques that are used in Star Trek. We

[52:30] love to break down the stories and the characters, and we just have a blast

[52:34] while we're doing it. It's kind of like sitting around with a couple of buds,

[52:37] having a beer, and talking about an episode of one of your favorite shows. So,

[52:42] go to MaximumFun.org, or wherever you get your podcasts, and subscribe to The

[52:47] Greatest Generation. Yeah, whatever you're using to listen to this, just have it

[52:52] find us and subscribe. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy. Hello, this is Griffin McElroy.

[52:59] And this is Wonderful. It's a podcast that we do as we are married, and how's

[53:05] the ad going so far? Because I think it's going very good. We talk about things we

[53:08] like every week on Wednesdays. One time, Rachel talked about Pumpernickel bread.

[53:12] It was so tight, you cannot afford to miss her talking about this sweet brown

[53:15] bread. We also talk about music, and poems, and, you know, weather. There was one...

[53:20] Weather? One time, Rachel talked about Baby Beluga, this song, for like 14

[53:25] minutes, and it just really blew my hair back. So, check us out on MaximumFun.org.

[53:30] It's a cool podcast with chill vibes. Amber is the color of our energy, is what

[53:35] all the iTunes reviews say. They will now.

[53:41] Hey guys, it's Dan, your old buddy Dan. You remember me. You were just listening

[53:47] to me in a different form on the live show, and because it's a live show, you

[53:51] know what that means. A solo ad read from yours truly. Hey, I'm not gonna bring the

[53:58] zazz this time. I'm gonna be up front with you. Very little zazz. I got a cough

[54:02] that I've had for months, which the doctor is not clearing up. I took my cat

[54:08] to the vet. Cat's got gum disease. It's being taken care of. Don't worry about

[54:14] Archie. He's gonna do just fine. He's not in pain right now. He just needs a little

[54:18] work done, but, you know, it's not fun, and it's very rainy and glum outside, and

[54:24] I'm just sitting here, alone in a room, talking to myself. So, I don't got a lot

[54:29] of zazz, but you know what deserves zazz is Casper, the mattress, not the ghost.

[54:36] Support for the Flophouse comes from Casper, a sleep brand dedicated to

[54:42] continuing to revolutionize its line of products to create an exceptionally

[54:45] comfortable sleep experience, one night at a time. At Casper, mattresses are

[54:51] perfectly designed and engineered to soothe and cradle your natural geometry,

[54:56] and if you've never had your geometry cradled, oh boy, you're in for a treat.

[55:02] There's free shippings and returns in the US and Canada, and you can be sure of

[55:06] your purchase with Casper's 100-night risk-free sleep on it trial. That's 100

[55:12] nights so you could sleep on a mattress without paying for it. Wow. Wow. Where

[55:17] can you get that deal? Not in a hotel. I'll tell you that. I tried to sleep in a

[55:22] hotel for 100 nights. They wanted money. Hey, I have a Casper mattress, and it's

[55:28] great. No complaints from old Dano. I mean, that's not true. I've got a lot of

[55:33] complaints, but they're not related to the comfort of my mattress. So, why don't

[55:38] you get $50 towards select mattresses by visiting Casper.com

[55:42] slash Flophouse using promo code Flophouse at checkout. That's Casper.com

[55:47] slash Flophouse and promo code Flophouse for $50 toward select mattresses.

[55:53] Terms and conditions apply. Here's a Jumbotron going out over the earwaves.

[55:59] It's for Jack, and it's from Jenna, or perhaps Guinna, because it begins with a

[56:08] G. I'm gonna guess Jenna, but maybe it's Guinna. Happy birthday, Jackster. You've

[56:14] got a wild schedule between taking care of baby wildlife and listening to the

[56:19] Flophouse in the shower, so I'm always grateful we get to hang. You are the

[56:22] funniest person I know. Nobody makes me laugh harder. I'm so proud of all you've

[56:27] accomplished in just a quarter century. Cheers to the next 25 years. Love, Jenna,

[56:33] or Guinna. That's very nice. Hey, we got a couple of items of business, but I won't

[56:39] try and take up more of your time. There's t-shirt contest ongoing. It will

[56:47] you design a t-shirt for the Flophouse, win a prize, including picking a movie

[56:53] for us to to do on the show, and if you go to the website, which is Flophouse

[57:00] podcast.com, click on there's the blog section. I put up a post that says t-shirt

[57:06] contest. It has all of the details that I won't get into here, but it has all the

[57:12] technical specs you need and everything like that, and we're doing a lot of

[57:17] touring coming up in the summer and early fall. In June, we'll be in Portland.

[57:26] That's June 8. July 13th, we'll be in Minneapolis. On the 28th of September, we

[57:33] will be in Boston. The early show has sold out. That's a 7 p.m. show, but we've

[57:37] added a 9 45 p.m. show where things get a little sexier, and then on October the

[57:46] 12th, we will be in Los Angeles, but I won't waste any more of your time with

[57:52] my irritating ramblings. Listen to my irritating ramblings broken up by the

[57:57] irritating ramblings of my co-hosts back at the show. All right, we have a

[58:03] little time to do our final segment, which is answer a few questions from the

[58:07] audience, if people have questions. You may not have questions. That's okay.

[58:10] That's fine. Or you may have questions. Maybe we answered all of them. We're a bunch of idiots. For this part, we stand up because we've been

[58:16] sitting for a while. There's a microphone somewhere. Over there. Over there? Stage

[58:21] right, house left. There's a microphone. All right, so until... Try not to trample each

[58:26] other. Get in that microphone. This is not the coronation of a czar. We don't need a

[58:30] crowd to be trampled to death. That kind of stuff would happen back then, if they

[58:36] were all running from vampires or something. Okay, guys. We probably won't have time to

[58:40] get through everyone, I warn you. I apologize, and we're gonna have even less

[58:43] time because I gotta say Seattle. It's a great day, Seattle. The place that's known

[58:51] for its cattle. Seattle. That's a rhyme I stole from Weird Al, and a song about

[58:59] Seattle. So we're here at the Neptune Theater, surrounded by stained-glass

[59:04] images of Neptune. A guy who can ride a horse or a dolphin. What can this guy not

[59:10] ride? Neptune Theater, cuz we're next to the sea. Add a T and a T and an L and an E.

[59:19] You've got Seattle. And now we're gonna answer some questions from the people of this great town.

[59:29] Turn that smile back into a frown, then turn it back into a smile, cuz it's time

[59:36] for those questions from Seattle. Thanks, everybody. Question time.

[59:44] Dan, you remember that you've gotten those human resources complaints about

[59:49] climbing under tables. All right. Yes, sir. All right, Morgan, last name with health.

[1:00:00] call it. You are here. Thank you so much for the show. I loved it. Two quick things. One, there's a post-show meetup at the College Inn Pub. If anyone wants to come out, we'll have drinks.

[1:00:14] How close is that from here? Okay, we can do that if it's available. College Inn Pub? All right. We were going to recommend another bar, but we have no attachment to that other bar.

[1:00:24] We'll go to the College Inn Pub. I guess it's where people go to get their lips pumped. College Inn Pub. And I'm going to use this as an opportunity to promote the fact that we also have, after the show, we do have some t-shirts and some posters.

[1:00:38] We're only selling at live shows this year. Who knows what will happen next year? Yeah, who knows? We might all be dead. Dan! We'll be signing stuff afterwards if anyone's interested in that.

[1:00:55] So what's your question, sir, Morgan? So my question is, as we learned from the mummies, monsters are very feminine. We knew that before we watched the mummy. If you had to be seduced by a monster, which would you pick? Well, we know Elliot's not going to pick mummies.

[1:01:13] No. Frank, it's fine. Elsa Lanchester. Come on. But not as the bride, as Mary Shelley earlier in the movie, when she is very cleavy. I'm going to say a werewolf because, you know, sometimes he's a bad boy. But he's trying to be good, you know?

[1:01:37] Yeah, you can tame him, yeah. Yeah, I think I can change. Was Ingrid Pitt a vampire in Vampire Lovers, or was she just a victim of a vampire? I don't remember. The answer is Ingrid Pitt. I think, Dan, those types of vampire movies are more at your speed. I like the vampire movies that are in black and white, where Bella goes to see them, and Dracula.

[1:02:03] I like a movie where a woman vampire seduces another woman vampire. I'm not judging you by what you like. I'm saying what I like. Give me the Legos. Anyway, thank you. Thank you so much.

[1:02:19] Yeah, just rip it out. Open mic night. For those at home, a man took the microphone off the stand. It was a feat of strength. I'm about to run across the stage, so get ready for that. John, last name withheld. I was listening to the podcast today as I was walking my dog around Green Lake. Don't pander to your own hometown.

[1:02:47] Pandering. Yes, thank you. And I was listening to episode 77. Don't know which one that is. Skyline. Skyline. Skyline. Oh yeah, that's a movie. And you guys mentioned. Based on the Chili franchise. Yeah.

[1:03:05] And you guys mentioned there was a more interesting movie going on in the background that was not our main character. Can you guys think of any other movies where there is a more interesting movie going on that is not the movie that the movie is focused on, the main character there, that is in the setting or the background?

[1:03:29] Not the A-plot. Exactly. I mean, this is not to disparage the movie it appears in, but in 12 Monkeys, they make a bunch of money about the movie Vertigo. And Vertigo is a better movie than 12 Monkeys. Which, 12 Monkeys is not a bad movie. That's not the same thing. Well, okay, then it's the part in Overdrawn at the Memory Bank when Casablanca starts flaying. Okay. And you get whiplash from the gulf between those two films.

[1:03:55] I think that pretty much every comedy has a less interesting lead than the supporting characters. This is like a cop-out answer because I'm not getting specific about anything. But I feel like they're like, oh, the supporting characters can be funny. I want to know what Judy Greer is up to.

[1:04:25] I hit my pocket. Now it works. Now somehow this works. A slide came up from Stuart's presentation. I said, game over. And I was like, computer, you bitch. Patty, computer. Dan's computer is the Samantha of us. Stuart, do you have any answer or do you want to pass?

[1:04:45] There's a moment in Prometheus where Michael Fassbender says, oh, wow, I like this part. I don't know if that quite answers it, but that's the best I can do.

[1:04:59] Thank you very much.

[1:05:01] I think I should have sent this in earlier. Thanks, Dan.

[1:05:03] Even if you sent it earlier, Dan would be like, oh, I forgot to look through these. Here, let's see this one.

[1:05:09] We have someone in an original Rocket Crocodile t-shirt.

[1:05:12] That's exciting.

[1:05:14] Collector's item.

[1:05:16] Hi, Tristan. Last name withheld. There's a scene in the movie in the rural Anglican church where the Princess Amonet makes it very clear that she likes Tom Cruise's body.

[1:05:29] Yeah, she's rubbing all over it.

[1:05:31] She actually checks his teeth like a horse.

[1:05:34] I mean, she has good teeth.

[1:05:37] I mean, she's going to put set in that body.

[1:05:40] Apparently all set wants to do is eat ice cream and all the foods he can't get.

[1:05:46] How is set going to enjoy a corn cob if this guy doesn't have good teeth?

[1:05:51] So my question is, if you had to pick an actor to be the vessel for an ancient god, which actor and which god?

[1:06:02] I mean, I'd say Mads Mikkelsen, but any god would be lucky to get into that vessel.

[1:06:08] But I guess, you know what? Hephaestus has had a pretty hard time of it.

[1:06:13] He deserves a good bod now.

[1:06:16] So you want to put Hephaestus in Mads Mikkelsen?

[1:06:19] Yeah, dude. Can't you see Mads Mikkelsen sweating over a hoard? That would be amazing.

[1:06:24] I think it would be funny, just for the laughs of it.

[1:06:28] Unlike mine, which was a very serious proposition.

[1:06:31] Hephaestus, Mads, get in touch with me.

[1:06:34] Put Thor into Steve Buscemi.

[1:06:39] Just to see how he dealt with that.

[1:06:43] And not a different Hemsworth brother.

[1:06:49] You know, man. I'm blanking.

[1:06:54] I would say, I would put Goose, our all-knowing lightning god.

[1:07:04] But just because he's like, I'm a swan now, do me.

[1:07:07] I'm a summer rain, do me.

[1:07:10] I'm a shower of gold. I would put in Dan McCoy's body.

[1:07:16] I guess technically I qualify.

[1:07:20] Seeing as Stuart and I are in Snatchers.

[1:07:23] A low-budget comedy movie that hasn't been released.

[1:07:26] Yeah, a movie that hasn't been released.

[1:07:28] We'll look for that on, I guess, probably some streaming platform at some point.

[1:07:33] Great question. Next question, please.

[1:07:35] Hi. Aaron, last thing with health.

[1:07:38] How has the Dark Universe been successful?

[1:07:41] I think it's time to move on to other platforms.

[1:07:45] I have to say, great musical writers.

[1:07:48] What kind of Dark Universe musical?

[1:07:51] Oh, boy.

[1:07:53] Here's the thing. Young Frankenstein was on Broadway.

[1:07:56] Didn't really do Frankenstein in music the way I wanted them to.

[1:08:00] Too many jokes.

[1:08:02] So here's what I want to do.

[1:08:05] It's going to be real serious.

[1:08:07] Real dark.

[1:08:08] But I want to open it up to the great monsters.

[1:08:12] Dracula.

[1:08:13] E.T. Todd.

[1:08:15] Someone from Into the Woods, I don't know.

[1:08:18] Aaron Burr.

[1:08:20] Who's the bad guy in Rent?

[1:08:22] The landlord, I guess.

[1:08:25] And I guess the head of the Russians in Fiddler on the Roof.

[1:08:30] And I guess, yeah, throw the mommy in there.

[1:08:32] The bad guy in Rent is the idea of having to pay for something.

[1:08:36] Oh, so it's a libertarian thing.

[1:08:39] So anyway, you're trying to get me to sing a song.

[1:08:45] And I want to so badly.

[1:08:47] But I can see how mad it would make Dan.

[1:08:50] So I'll tell you what, I'm going to work on it.

[1:08:52] Send the letter in to the Flophouse.

[1:08:55] Remind me.

[1:08:57] Oh, wow.

[1:08:59] Elliot's handing out the homework.

[1:09:05] Hi, David, last name with no...

[1:09:07] Hello.

[1:09:08] So, Dark Universe being dead.

[1:09:12] Tom Cruise being killed.

[1:09:15] Cool, because he hasn't done that since the last one.

[1:09:18] And not since the Super Mario Bros.

[1:09:22] The series isn't going to continue.

[1:09:24] Oh, man, that was such a tease.

[1:09:26] So, what is a setup for a sequel that's never happened?

[1:09:32] Well, I mean, Remo Williams, The Adventure Begins.

[1:09:36] The adventure never continued.

[1:09:38] It just sort of stopped.

[1:09:41] It began and then immediately stopped a second later.

[1:09:44] Dan's looking at me like I had something to do with it.

[1:09:47] I mean, also, Buckaroo Banzai vs. the World Crime League never came about.

[1:09:52] I mean, I'm genuinely disappointed they weren't able to make it harder.

[1:09:58] Harder.

[1:10:00] I like the first one a lot. I know it didn't make money. Okay, chill out.

[1:10:05] But no, I thought it was fun. They put a lot of work in the design.

[1:10:09] That Taylor Kitsch, you know, I think this needs the right role.

[1:10:14] Obviously it's Gambit, right? It's Gambit. Everyone's favorite character, Gambit.

[1:10:18] I thought Channing Tatum was going to be in it.

[1:10:21] Taylor, you played Gambit in that terrible movie, right?

[1:10:23] The one we watched for the show that we do?

[1:10:25] Yeah, right, yeah.

[1:10:27] I mean, Deadpool worked.

[1:10:29] Somehow spun off Deadpool, even though Deadpool's the worst character in that movie,

[1:10:33] because he can't talk.

[1:10:36] I guess what I'm saying is, Deadpool, I don't know.

[1:10:40] That's your answer to the question?

[1:10:42] No, let's see.

[1:10:45] Well, when I was a kid, there were a lot of rumors about a second Space Bowl.

[1:10:50] And they kept saying that it was going to be called,

[1:10:52] these are what kids around the play yard would tell me,

[1:10:54] but they weren't telling me that hoverboards are real.

[1:10:56] Parents just don't want them on the market.

[1:10:59] Or if you beat Mike Tyson and Mike Tyson's punch out in a specific way,

[1:11:03] you'll fight a guy named Ray Trashman.

[1:11:06] Yeah, so these are very regional specific ones, I guess.

[1:11:10] But I was told there's going to be a Space Balls parody.

[1:11:13] It's going to be called Space Balls 3, the search for Space Balls 2.

[1:11:16] And I'm like, and I don't know who came up with that joke,

[1:11:18] somewhere in playground land, but that's a funny idea for the name of a sequel.

[1:11:23] So I was disappointed as a kid that that never happened.

[1:11:26] All right, sounds good.

[1:11:30] Hi.

[1:11:31] Hello.

[1:11:32] Catherine, last name withheld.

[1:11:34] My question comes with a small gift.

[1:11:37] Our favorite kind, because we're not from here and we have to travel afterwards.

[1:11:40] I thought about that, yeah.

[1:11:42] This is Karate Dog, a DVD.

[1:11:45] I'm going to come over and take Karate Dog.

[1:11:47] Featuring the voice of Chevy Chase.

[1:11:49] Thank you, yes.

[1:11:51] This is a movie I've only seen the ending of.

[1:11:53] Now you get the whole movie.

[1:11:55] Oh, fantastic.

[1:11:57] And I picked this up in a grocery store.

[1:11:59] Oh, Jon Voight's in this.

[1:12:01] Seal of quality.

[1:12:04] Oh, man, look at his hair.

[1:12:08] Dr. Dolittle meets Enter the Dragon.

[1:12:12] Okay, well.

[1:12:13] Finally.

[1:12:14] My brain cannot comprehend that.

[1:12:16] They finally met.

[1:12:17] So thank you very much.

[1:12:19] Do you have a question also or a story?

[1:12:20] I do, yes.

[1:12:22] I was curious, what are your favorite good, good, and good, bad dog movies?

[1:12:27] Oh.

[1:12:30] Good, bad.

[1:12:31] I remember, I just vaguely remember from, like, being a child that on HBO,

[1:12:36] Oh, Heavenly Dog was on all the time.

[1:12:38] Okay.

[1:12:39] Where Chevy Chase died and came back as a dog.

[1:12:42] And I believe had to solve perhaps his own murder.

[1:12:46] I don't know.

[1:12:48] There's no possible way of finding out.

[1:12:50] It's been lost to time, the plot of Oh, Heavenly Dog.

[1:12:54] I liked All Dogs Go to Heaven.

[1:12:56] Yeah.

[1:12:57] That's a dog movie.

[1:12:58] They didn't.

[1:12:59] There's a dog hell in that movie.

[1:13:01] Anyway, my favorite good, good movie about a dog, I guess, would be Umberto Di,

[1:13:04] the Italian neorealist classic about a poor man and his dog.

[1:13:09] And I guess my favorite, actually, I don't know.

[1:13:12] I know as a kid, I know because it was on HBO all the time,

[1:13:15] that I saw Wonton Tom, the dog movie.

[1:13:18] But I don't remember it at all.

[1:13:21] So maybe that.

[1:13:22] I don't know.

[1:13:23] I think let's do two more.

[1:13:25] And I really apologize for everyone else who's in the line.

[1:13:28] But we do have time.

[1:13:29] What if they're super fast?

[1:13:30] We're supposed to be out here.

[1:13:31] What if they're super fast?

[1:13:32] No, we don't have time.

[1:13:34] But I promise you that if you come down afterwards while we're signing things,

[1:13:38] that we will answer questions if you have good questions.

[1:13:42] If you have bad questions, we'll laugh at you.

[1:13:45] If you have bad questions, get out of here.

[1:13:47] Sorry.

[1:13:48] Sorry so much.

[1:13:49] Anyway.

[1:13:50] Yes.

[1:13:51] Connor, last name.

[1:13:53] I'll make it quick.

[1:13:54] Again, on the podcast, we've seen the scale of your movie collection over and over again

[1:13:59] and reorganizing that.

[1:14:01] But I was wondering, for the rest of you guys, what's your most prized movie,

[1:14:07] not to steal it or anything like that.

[1:14:11] Don't worry.

[1:14:12] I just know I have a pretty good idea of what you were going to say.

[1:14:15] Oh, well, you know what my most prized movie memorabilia is.

[1:14:18] It's not a DVD.

[1:14:19] It's my Gertie the Dinosaur drawing,

[1:14:21] which listener Michael Waite arranged for me to receive.

[1:14:26] And I am truly thankful for it every day.

[1:14:28] And I hung it up on my wall in a nice, clean frame.

[1:14:30] I look at it every day.

[1:14:31] It inspires me.

[1:14:32] An original drawing from Gertie the Dinosaur.

[1:14:34] I was excluded from this question because of reasons unknown.

[1:14:38] But I have a couple of signed DVDs.

[1:14:41] I got Andy Serkis signed my Two Towers,

[1:14:44] and Terry Jones signed my Life of Ryan DVD.

[1:14:52] So those are nice movie things.

[1:14:55] And I have a promotional still.

[1:14:58] It's called Insult Ray.

[1:15:05] Now, this piece of movie art has been autographed by star Jonathan Moore.

[1:15:12] And in his words on the piece of memorabilia, it reads,

[1:15:16] I ripped it off myself.

[1:15:26] Referring to his penis.

[1:15:28] Well, ding dong, specifically.

[1:15:32] Last question.

[1:15:33] Okay.

[1:15:34] So, Stu.

[1:15:36] Yes?

[1:15:38] Guilty.

[1:15:39] Yeah.

[1:15:40] Good.

[1:15:42] Erica, last name.

[1:15:45] Have you had an anxiety dream about weird people coming into the bar

[1:15:49] when you're trying to close it and get in behind the bar

[1:15:51] and take all your alcohol?

[1:15:52] Uh-huh.

[1:15:53] It was basically the plot of the movie Mother.

[1:15:55] Actually, it was the plot of the Arthur segment of the Star Wars holiday special.

[1:16:06] Oh, no, no, no.

[1:16:09] So your nightmare is to be B. Arthur.

[1:16:12] What do the holiday specials give the rest of you nightmares?

[1:16:16] And also, I have something for Elliot that I think.

[1:16:19] Yeah, I'll be honest.

[1:16:21] I'll be honest that the reason that I said two more questions

[1:16:24] is I saw that this question and answer had a glowing cube.

[1:16:28] And I was like.

[1:16:30] Seems like a cosmic cube of some kind.

[1:16:33] I'll keep it very safe, by which I mean I will give it to the person Thanos is most likely to go to

[1:16:40] to get it.

[1:16:41] Thank you very much.

[1:16:44] No, but yeah, that's.

[1:16:48] I will not give it to Stu because he is the Tom Bombadil of the group.

[1:16:50] There's a.

[1:16:52] So there's a.

[1:16:55] There's a.

[1:16:57] Christmas special called Claymation one.

[1:17:00] There's a Christmas special called Noel, which is about this.

[1:17:07] This glass blower has a tear of joy when he blows this glass ornament.

[1:17:13] And so Noel is this glass ornament and he keeps going.

[1:17:16] I've got a happiness in me.

[1:17:19] Despite the fact that in the course of this, this special, he gets put up in the attic year after year,

[1:17:28] only comes out once a year and gets to have joy once a year.

[1:17:32] Eventually the owners of him die and he lives in a house broken down decrepit house.

[1:17:38] And then finally the new owners come and find him and he immediately shatters.

[1:17:44] He falls off.

[1:17:45] I mean, they try and make it a happy ending by the happiness within him is then loosed out.

[1:17:51] And he can finally see Jesus in the manger, which he had an obstructive view of before.

[1:17:58] And so it's a very highly religious.

[1:18:03] Oh, yeah, that's all in the Bible.

[1:18:07] So I fumbled over the story of that, but it was just so baffling.

[1:18:11] I don't know if there's a way to tell that story without fumbling.

[1:18:13] Yeah.

[1:18:14] Mine, I guess there was that claymation special that I only have scattered memories of.

[1:18:21] There's a dinosaur, Gene Siskel, and Roger Ebert, basically.

[1:18:24] Yeah, yeah, and they're like guys with bells for heads and they play one of the carol songs.

[1:18:29] Yeah, carol the bells.

[1:18:30] And I just remember being a little Jewish boy being like, I thought I understood.

[1:18:37] But apparently I don't.

[1:18:39] It made me feel so alone in the universe.

[1:18:42] All right.

[1:18:43] So I guess that's the end of the show.

[1:18:46] Thank you all for coming.

[1:18:48] Wait a bit.

[1:18:49] No, it's a big finish.

[1:18:50] Yeah, big finish.

[1:18:51] Big finish.

[1:18:52] We're going to be at a bar, the name of which I've forgotten.

[1:18:56] College Inn.

[1:18:57] Anyone remember?

[1:19:00] Yeah.

[1:19:01] College Inn Pub.

[1:19:02] It's a pub, Dan.

[1:19:03] But before that, we're going to be downstairs or wherever the merch is.

[1:19:05] I can't remember.

[1:19:06] It's over that way in the hallway, Dan.

[1:19:08] I didn't deal with the merch.

[1:19:09] I was in here making sure that the slide shows kind of worked.

[1:19:15] But thank you all so much for coming.

[1:19:17] This is the part of the show where it's like the end of a family holiday where all the grievances come out.

[1:19:23] You wouldn't pay for my school, but you'd pay for his school.

[1:19:27] Thank you for coming.

[1:19:28] Thanks to the Neptune Theater for being so nice to us.

[1:19:31] Thanks, Seattle.

[1:19:33] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:19:36] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:19:38] I'm still Elliot Kalin.

[1:19:39] Thank you, everybody.

[1:19:40] Good night.

[1:19:41] Good night.

[1:20:00] Okay, re-rack it, take two.

[1:20:03] No more fooling around, guys.

[1:20:06] I'm going to call that an unforced error.

Ep. #283 - The Mummy LIVE

Transcript

Description