Ep. #283 - The Mummy LIVE

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode of the podcast, we discuss the mummy.

[0:04] Live in Seattle, America.

[0:14] Stuart, did you just forget what state we're in?

Stuart Wellington

[0:18] No, it's Washington.

[0:21] There you go.

[0:23] Nice work.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[0:52] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:56] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:04] Wow.

[1:05] Coming on a down note there, Elliot.

[1:07] Yeah, what was that all about?

[1:09] Are you okay?

[1:09] You know, guys, maybe it's this Seattle gray that's gotten me down.

[1:13] Sure.

[1:14] You know, I heard the blues were calling.

[1:17] Toss salad and scrambled eggs.

Dan McCoy

[1:19] You already did these Frasier jokes before the show started.

[1:23] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24] For the people at home, the Frasier jokes are new.

Dan McCoy

[1:26] Yeah, but you're killing our vibe here in the room.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31] You're right.

[1:32] I'm sorry.

[1:33] We're in Seattle, the home of mummies.

[1:37] There is a legend that there shall come a day when three morons will appear in the city

[1:46] of the needle of space and there waste time speaking of a curse of a mummy.

[1:56] And that story is called Three Men and a Mummy.

Dan McCoy

[2:00] Okay.

[2:01] Sorry.

[2:01] Steve Guttenberg and Ted Danson and Tom Selleck.

Elliott Kalan

[2:04] And who plays the mummy?

Dan McCoy

[2:07] The mummy from Monster Squad.

Elliott Kalan

[2:09] Hold on a second.

[2:10] Do you think they dug up a real mummy for that, Dan?

[2:13] Did you say the mummy as himself in the past?

[2:16] That's right.

Dan McCoy

[2:20] So this is a podcast.

[2:21] Yeah.

[2:22] Where we talk about bad movies.

[2:24] Okay, I follow.

[2:25] And what?

Stuart Wellington

[2:26] He's making eye contact with me right now and it's weird.

Dan McCoy

[2:29] I didn't realize that was in your fucking writer that I couldn't make eye contact with you.

[2:36] Changes when we're out on the road.

Elliott Kalan

[2:38] Yeah, Stuart believes that if you make eye contact with him outside of Brooklyn, New York,

[2:41] that you can absorb his soul.

[2:43] Yeah.

[2:44] And he does not want anyone knowing what he's been doing with that soul.

Stuart Wellington

[2:46] I'm a cowardly and superstitious person.

[2:49] That's why Batman was able to defeat you so easily.

[2:52] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[2:53] What was your Batman villain name?

[2:55] Beer Man?

[2:56] Beer Man?

[2:57] You committed beer-themed crimes?

Dan McCoy

[2:59] Like what?

[3:00] Stealing beer?

[3:01] I don't...

Elliott Kalan

[3:02] I think that's the only one.

[3:03] Yeah.

[3:04] I mean...

Dan McCoy

[3:05] You have like beer guns that you spray beer in people's eyes?

[3:08] It just makes everyone real sticky.

Stuart Wellington

[3:09] Driving well under the influence of beer, I think.

[3:11] Yeah, that's a beer crime.

[3:11] I mean, that is a crime.

[3:12] Does Batman do a lot of like traffic stops?

[3:17] You've been drinking.

Dan McCoy

[3:20] I'm going to need you to get out of the car, sir.

[3:22] And I trust you.

[3:25] No, we didn't watch any Batman movies.

[3:27] We watched The Mummy.

[3:29] What?

[3:30] We literally...

[3:31] Brendan Fraser's The Mummy.

[3:32] We watched that tonight.

[3:33] Boris Karloff's The Mummy?

[3:35] No.

[3:36] We watched Tom Cruise's The Dark Worlds's Dark Universes's The Mummy.

Elliott Kalan

[3:42] You sure it wasn't Martin Lawrence's Big Mummy's house?

[3:44] Which I guess would just be a tomb or a pyramid.

[3:47] Yeah.

[3:49] Was it that one?

Dan McCoy

[3:50] No, it was not.

[3:51] Again, I said it's Tom Cruise's The Mummy.

Elliott Kalan

[3:53] Was it Christina Appalachian in Don't Tell Mummy, The Babysitter's Also Dead Like The Mummy Is?

Dan McCoy

[4:00] God damn it, Elliot.

[4:02] I told you that we wasted so much time.

Stuart Wellington

[4:04] Was it Danny DeVito's Throw Mummy From The Train?

[4:08] Don't do that.

Elliott Kalan

[4:09] It's a priceless antiquity.

Dan McCoy

[4:12] Yeah.

[4:13] Indiana Jones comes out and is like, that mummy belongs in a museum.

[4:16] Danny DeVito's like, well, I'm throwing it off this train.

[4:20] I would love to see Danny DeVito in an Indiana Jones film.

Stuart Wellington

[4:24] I mean, he kind of is, right?

[4:26] Basically, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[4:26] I guess he is in Romancing the Stone.

[4:27] Romancing the Stone, yeah.

[4:29] All right, all my dreams have been answered.

[4:31] Like, bye, guys.

Stuart Wellington

[4:34] So normally we watch a movie and we talk about it, and we're going to do that right now.

Elliott Kalan

[4:37] And this night is no different.

[4:39] Hey, guys, why is this night different from all other nights?

[4:42] It's not.

[4:44] All right.

[4:44] That's pulling from my people, who the mummy's oppressed for thousands of years.

[4:50] I watched this movie, and every time that mummy got hurt, I was like, yeah, fuck yeah, Egypt.

[4:55] Take that, Pharaoh.

[4:57] Won't let my people go.

[4:59] What I guess what I'm saying is, guys, this time, it's personal.

[5:04] So let's talk about what happens in The Mummy.

[5:06] So the most exciting thing about this movie to me is we start with the Universal logo,

[5:10] and then it spins around, and we see the Dark Universe logo.

[5:14] Now, I'll answer the question for future generations listening to this.

[5:17] What is the Dark Universe?

[5:19] Because we've never heard of it before.

[5:21] Well, the Dark Universe is Universal's attempt to rebrand its Universal monster classic characters

[5:28] as a superhero-style shared universe where there'll be a team of them, I guess,

[5:33] fighting crime and eating lime, you know, as they say.

[5:36] Okay.

[5:36] Because they all go to the beach to hang out afterwards.

[5:38] Yeah, they have tequila shots afterwards.

[5:41] Because if I can take you guys on a flashback, which this movie does a lot of,

[5:47] the Universal monsters were the original shared cinematic universe.

[5:51] And they all, it was very organic in that the head of Universal said,

[5:54] these monsters aren't making that much money individually.

[5:56] Let's throw a bunch of them into a movie together.

Dan McCoy

[5:58] And let's stick Abbott and Costello in there, too.

Elliott Kalan

[6:01] Eventually, yeah.

[6:02] Yeah.

[6:02] And then when he wasn't working out anymore, they said, forget it.

[6:05] And then a movie called Monster Squad came along and changed nothing.

Dan McCoy

[6:10] And flopped pretty badly.

Stuart Wellington

[6:13] Was Monster Squad a Universal movie?

[6:14] I don't think it was.

Dan McCoy

[6:15] No, it wasn't because they couldn't use the Universal designs.

[6:17] That's why they all look slightly different than their classic forms.

Elliott Kalan

[6:20] And they couldn't say Creature from the Black Lagoon.

[6:22] They just say, like, Fishman or something.

[6:23] Gilman, yeah.

[6:24] Which is just a dentist.

[6:26] Just Dr. Gilman.

[6:27] Yeah, Fred Gilman.

[6:28] Fred Gilman.

[6:30] I saw dripping all this briny water in my mouth while he's cleaning me out.

[6:34] Anyway, so we have the Dark Universe logo.

[6:36] Because Universal has big plans for these characters.

[6:38] They are all going to come together, and this is the introduction of those movies.

[6:43] If you don't count Dracula Untold, which Universal has decided to not count anymore?

Dan McCoy

[6:48] Yeah, kind of like Marvel did with the Ed Norton Incredible Hulk.

[6:51] They're like, eh, it's kind of part of our universe, but you can kind of forget about it.

Elliott Kalan

[6:55] It's an apocryphal film found in a cavern near the Dead Sea.

[7:01] Some moviegoers believe in it, but it's not official canon.

[7:04] Anyway, we go from that Dark Universe logo, which is not that exciting.

[7:07] It's just the Universal logo, but it's dark.

[7:09] And we see the text on screen of an Egyptian resurrection prayer.

[7:13] Cut to where else after you see an Egyptian resurrection prayer in a movie called The Mummy.

[7:18] Cut to England, 1127 AD.

[7:22] Where a bunch of crusader knights, without dialogue, bury a dead man with a magic gemstone.

[7:29] Immediately cut to present day.

[7:31] That tomb is discovered by guys digging new London tube tunnels in the city of London.

[7:37] Then we cut to a bunch of talking heads on the news talking about this new transit project for London.

[7:41] And for a minute I was like, guys, I might be pretty excited if this movie is about transit.

[7:47] Like if Mummy stood for like municipal, underground, metropolitan, moving, yabos, surround.

[7:58] Like municipal, underground, moving men, yelling, subterranean.

[8:05] Okay.

[8:06] Beneath the streets.

[8:07] Beneath the streets, yes.

[8:08] But alas, an archaeologist on TV goes, hey, these crusaders went to Egypt, apropos of nothing.

[8:15] Then it's time for the movie to start, right?

[8:18] Wrong.

[8:18] Russell Crowe and his men take possession of the burial site.

[8:21] And in voiceover, Russell Crowe tells us the story of the ancient princess Amenette, who was the ruthless heiress to the pharaoh.

[8:29] But then the pharaoh had a son.

[8:31] Uh-oh.

[8:32] Boys before boys.

[8:34] Oh, man.

Stuart Wellington

[8:36] Yeah, he's describing how she's, he first describes her as beautiful.

[8:40] Like, chill out, dude.

[8:41] Whoa.

Dan McCoy

[8:42] No, but I mean, like, that's the first thing he brings up.

Stuart Wellington

[8:45] Talk about her merits.

[8:46] Yeah.

[8:47] He says that she's...

Dan McCoy

[8:47] You're tired of people objectifying mummies is what you're saying.

Elliott Kalan

[8:50] He describes her as ruthless, but...

[8:52] I think the only one who's ever objectified a mummy was John Astin's character in The Frighteners.

[8:58] Who is a ghost who has sex with a mummy in one part.

[9:01] That's true.

[9:01] Yeah.

[9:02] But anyway, continue.

Stuart Wellington

[9:03] And he describes her as ruthless or merciless in a scene where she actively doesn't hit a guy with a stick.

[9:10] Like, it's just, you know, it causes a disconnect for me as a viewer.

Elliott Kalan

[9:13] Well, you see, Russell Crowe is really putting, like, a very patriarchal spin on this story.

[9:17] Uh-huh.

[9:17] He's saying, the princess shouldn't be made pharaoh.

[9:20] That would be crazy, because she's all evil and stuff.

[9:23] And she plays into that stereotype by, when the son is born and takes over her inheritance of the throne,

[9:27] she sells her soul to Set, the god of death.

[9:31] Because, you know what, there's a lot of different faces to all the Egyptian gods,

[9:34] but in this one, Set's just an evil motherfucker.

[9:38] Like, he just, he's just evil.

Stuart Wellington

[9:39] Is he a snakehead or a dog?

[9:41] Which kind of head does he have?

Elliott Kalan

[9:42] He's a serpent god.

[9:43] Okay.

[9:43] The dog, you're thinking of probably Anubis, the jackal-headed god, who is also a god of death.

[9:47] And let's not forget Osiris, who's also pretty much a god of death.

[9:50] All the Egyptian gods, except for Horus slash Ra, are pretty much gods of death.

[9:54] I guess...

[9:54] To say the Egyptian god of death...

Dan McCoy

[9:56] Because we have that much death in, you know, in Egypt, there was a lot of death going around.

[9:59] Yeah, all constantly.

Elliott Kalan

[10:00] It's a little bit like saying some god was the Greek god of being kind of a jerk to everybody.

[10:06] That's what they did.

[10:07] So she sells her solo set, and she's reborn, covered with tattoos, like that one monk in Qui-Don.

[10:12] And they tattooed hieroglyphics on her, and suddenly she has double pupils, which should make it much harder to see.

[10:18] And throughout the movie, I was waiting for the moment where that gave her an advantage, like she could see better.

[10:23] But it's just cosmetic, I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[10:24] You think that lucky guy runs up on her side, and the other pupil catches him?

[10:28] Yeah, exactly.

[10:28] I would love to see her.

[10:29] Or she drives a car without having to turn her head to check her blind spot.

Dan McCoy

[10:31] There was that one scene where she goes to Warby Parker, and she's like, give me the glasses with four lenses.

[10:39] And they went, what, what, what?

[10:41] I'm going to need to get my manager.

Elliott Kalan

[10:44] And she kills her brother, kills her father, and then vows to give Set a mortal man's body to be reborn in.

[10:52] But while she's having some kind of, like, crazy, sexy, cool, blood, sugar, sex, magic moment, where she's about to stab him with a magic dagger, he gets shot by a bunch of tranq darts.

[11:02] Because apparently the ancient Egyptians knew the power of tranquilizers in darts.

[11:07] And she's buried as a mummy far from Egypt in a special mystic tomb that keeps her safe.

[11:14] Anyway, so Russell Crowe just tells us all this in voiceover, and you're like, all right.

[11:18] How do you know this?

[11:19] How do you know this, Russ?

[11:20] How do you know this, big Russ?

[11:22] It's probably going to matter later, right?

[11:24] Cut to.

Stuart Wellington

[11:25] It's not completely unrelated.

Elliott Kalan

[11:26] No, no, this isn't a serious man where there's just a different story before the rest of it that's just thematically linked.

[11:34] Cut to Iraq.

[11:36] Tom Cruise is our hero, Nick, and his sidekick, Vale, played by, who was it?

[11:40] Jake Johnson.

[11:41] What's he from?

Dan McCoy

[11:42] He's from The New Girl.

[11:43] Which one is she?

[11:45] Which one is she?

[11:46] There's new girls every day.

[11:47] I mean, The New Girl is Zoe Deschner.

Elliott Kalan

[11:49] I mean, she's been around for a while.

Dan McCoy

[11:50] All right.

[11:51] Like, a new girl would be like a baby.

[11:53] This is a rich vein of comedy.

Elliott Kalan

[11:58] And I've tapped it out.

[11:59] So, his sidekick, Vale, I guess in symbolism of the Vale of Tears or Beyond the Vale or whatever,

[12:07] it's not likely if they're soldiers or mercenaries.

[12:10] They kind of are.

[12:10] They're both.

[12:11] They work for the army, but they're their own bosses.

[12:13] And they are supposed to be advanced scouts for the military, but they also loot antiquities for money.

[12:18] And they have kind of like, Tom Cruise runs them into a goofy kind of, one of those comedy action sequences where they're getting shot at,

[12:24] but they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[12:26] Like, I told you never to do this against a village full of insurgents who are presented as a literally faceless horde.

[12:33] I think we only see them from the back of their heads.

Stuart Wellington

[12:35] Yeah.

[12:35] I mean, we see, like, the bullet hits more than that.

[12:38] I mean, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[12:38] You said that this is like a very good, cheap way of doing a gunfight where all you see is squibs.

[12:44] You don't actually have to see the bad guys.

[12:45] You just hit some squibs.

Elliott Kalan

[12:47] They're running through a narrow hallway, and there's just gunshot squibs going off everywhere.

[12:50] And I'm like, look, they saved a lot of money doing the battle this way.

[12:53] They use that money to then call in an airstrike, which opens up a crater unearthing Amanet's tomb.

[12:59] Uh-oh.

[13:00] Turns out Nick Cruise has been trying to find some antiquities based on a map he stole from a lady archaeologist named Jenny,

[13:08] who he slept with.

[13:09] He's kind of a silver-tongued devil.

[13:11] He's always talking his way out of trouble and then talking his way into trouble.

Dan McCoy

[13:14] Yeah, and he got her number from a bathroom stall.

[13:17] It was 8675309.

Elliott Kalan

[13:18] I believe, yeah, there's a deleted scene where he goes, I got it.

[13:21] I got it.

[13:22] Yeah.

[13:25] So Nick, Vale, and Jenny, they go explore the tomb, and they find a pit of mercury,

[13:29] and there's all these ritual warnings.

[13:31] He's like, something very powerful is buried down here.

[13:34] This is meant as a warning to keep this thing guarded in and other people out.

[13:37] And this would be very ominous if Russell Crowe hadn't already told us everything that's in the hall.

[13:41] So it's like, yeah, dude, just get with the mummy.

[13:43] You already told us about this.

[13:44] I'm already familiar with this hole.

[13:46] It's like, but I was thinking, it's like if you...

Dan McCoy

[13:49] I'm bored by this hole already.

[13:51] We've seen the hole.

Elliott Kalan

[13:53] It's like if Alien was the exact same brilliant movie it is, but beforehand there was a scene

[13:59] where the robot Ash is being briefed about the xenomorph, and they're like, look, there's

[14:03] this crazy alien.

[14:04] He busts out a chest, and he spits acid blood.

[14:07] He's got another little tiny mouth inside his big mouth.

[14:10] Don't put your face near one of its eggs.

[14:12] Yeah.

[14:12] They were a bunch of space jockeys, and it burst out of them on this planet.

[14:16] Go find him.

[14:16] And then when John Hurt is exploring, you'd be like, speed it up, John.

[14:20] Like, we know what's going to happen.

[14:22] So the mummy has already undermined itself.

[14:25] So Nick, through his own dumb actions, he ends up raising the sargophagus out of the

[14:29] mercury.

[14:29] A bunch of CGI bugs come out everywhere, and they bite Vale.

[14:32] And Nick hallucinates Amonet in the desert.

[14:34] She tells him that he set her free, and he's her chosen.

[14:37] Again, we know what this means already, because the movie told us, but all the characters are

[14:41] way behind us.

[14:42] So we're like, speed it up, guys.

[14:44] They airlift out the sarcophagus.

[14:46] Ravens everywhere.

[14:47] A sandstorm comes in.

[14:48] This mummy is bad news right off the bat.

[14:51] But Jenny's real excited.

[14:52] She's like, an Egyptian sarcophagus in Mesopotamia?

[14:55] And it reminded me so much of the Monty Python, the meaning of life scene with, like, a tiger

[14:59] in Africa.

[15:02] But Jenny takes a moment to be like, Nick, you only care about yourself.

[15:05] That's your problem.

[15:06] Which is a weird thing to say to someone you assume you will never see again.

[15:11] Vale gets possessed by Amonet, and he just starts stabbing away.

[15:15] Sorry, Courtney B. Vance, who we didn't mention is in the movie.

[15:17] You get stabbed.

[15:18] Vale's totally zombified, and Nick has to shoot him a couple times.

[15:22] Cloud a raven smashes into the plane.

Dan McCoy

[15:25] The pilot's like, that's so raven.

[15:27] And the co-pilot laughs at it for half a second before they die.

Elliott Kalan

[15:30] Before the raven's beaks puncture his face.

Dan McCoy

[15:32] Yeah, it's like, if I gotta go, I gotta go laughing.

Elliott Kalan

[15:35] You know, I'd rather Amonet take me with a smile on my face.

[15:38] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[15:40] Now, I think this was the first scene where they really tried to be scary.

[15:44] Was it successful for you, seeing Courtney B. Vance stabbed like that?

Elliott Kalan

[15:49] He's a great actor, and I didn't want to see him go, because he was my favorite person and

[15:52] character in the movie.

Dan McCoy

[15:52] They were scared by the idea of Courtney B. Vance as an actor, like, just not making movies

[15:57] again.

Elliott Kalan

[15:57] Or being in the rest of the movie.

[15:59] I didn't think they really stabbed him for real, Dan.

[16:01] Okay.

[16:03] He's a good actor.

[16:04] He was acting that he was stabbed.

[16:06] Oh, okay.

[16:06] I just didn't like being teased with, hey, Courtney B. Vance is gonna be in this movie, and then

[16:10] they remove him.

Dan McCoy

[16:12] Yeah.

[16:12] I mean, you're scared by the loss of entertainment, is what you're saying.

[16:15] Yeah, exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[16:16] And it made me wish that he was the hero of the movie.

[16:18] But, so, were you guys scared at this point?

Stuart Wellington

[16:20] I mean, it was kind of weird how Jake, Jack Johnson, Jake Johnson, what's his name?

[16:25] Jake Johnson.

[16:27] The decision to have him have, like, one weird milky eye the whole time.

[16:31] Mm-hmm.

[16:32] Like cable?

[16:33] Yeah, it was strange.

Dan McCoy

[16:34] So, that played into your fear of getting cataracts.

Elliott Kalan

[16:38] Yes, it did.

[16:40] Each time the mummy takes over somebody, their eyeballs, their pupils roll back into their

[16:44] heads, and it looks hilarious.

[16:46] It's like she played a slot machine.

Stuart Wellington

[16:47] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[16:48] Like, the mummy is making this person very much over it.

Elliott Kalan

[16:55] If someone doesn't use a GIF of the, later on when the computer worker, his eyes roll

[17:00] back as a way to express, I'm done with you over Twitter, then why'd they even make

[17:04] this mummy movie?

[17:06] The plane crashes, we get some zero-G action as the plane is in a free fall.

[17:10] They went up in a vomit comet to shoot at everybody.

[17:13] It's not a bad scene.

Stuart Wellington

[17:14] It very much feels like a scene they added in when Tom Cruise got attached to the project.

Elliott Kalan

[17:20] Yeah, they were like, Tom Cruise, will you want to play this movie?

[17:22] I'm going to fall at some point, right?

[17:25] Like, I'm going to fall from a great height and be like, oh, oh, oh, oh, like that.

[17:29] I mean, he doesn't make that noise.

Dan McCoy

[17:30] But I had to communicate the face.

[17:32] Tom Cruise's famous noise.

Elliott Kalan

[17:34] Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

[17:36] In his earlier movies, he hadn't really tied it down, and he has that goofy, woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

Dan McCoy

[17:40] Yeah.

[17:41] Whenever Tom Cruise does a stunt, he chugs at his collar like, woo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

Stuart Wellington

[17:44] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[17:46] Yeah.

[17:46] I wonder if he's one of those guys that, like, that's the only way he feels alive anymore.

[17:50] Like, he needs that rush.

[17:52] I mean, I have to assume so.

Elliott Kalan

[17:54] He's a strange man.

Stuart Wellington

[17:56] Yeah, I feel, do you think his, like, stunt team is like, shit, we're making another movie.

Elliott Kalan

[18:00] He's like, have I done a whole movie where I'm on fire yet?

[18:03] No, Tom, you haven't.

[18:05] Have I done a whole movie where I'm just kidding?

[18:08] Man on fire?

[18:08] Why wasn't I picked for that movie?

Dan McCoy

[18:10] Tom, I don't think you understand what that movie's about.

Elliott Kalan

[18:13] I want to do a movie where I drown in every scene.

[18:16] All right, Tom, okay.

[18:18] Nick saves Jenny's life by giving her the only parachute, and the plane crashes in England.

Stuart Wellington

[18:23] I'm not sure, and I couldn't, I'm not sure if it's because they're flying to England,

[18:26] since it's an American military flight, maybe it's a base in England,

Elliott Kalan

[18:29] where if they took the Iraq to, like, New York route that goes through the UK, I don't know.

[18:37] So you think they'd be going to, like, Lonstul or, like, a military hospital in Europe?

Dan McCoy

[18:39] I mean, I didn't clear the flight plans for this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[18:42] I mean, I think it was, maybe it was the scenic route.

[18:45] They wanted to see all those castles.

[18:47] Yeah, I could see that, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[18:49] Yeah, the plane usually does that if you ask him nice.

Elliott Kalan

[18:51] Come on, swing by and take a look at some castles.

[18:54] Well, it'll add seven hours to the flight, but sure, we're in a tin can in the air, why not?

[19:00] So Nick crashes, but then he wakes up in a body bag in a morgue, untouched,

[19:05] and it's a chance for Tom Cruise to walk around with no clothes on it.

[19:07] Show us how built he is at 54 years old.

[19:10] He's Jack, dude.

[19:11] He is super Jack.

[19:12] He's Jack Reacher.

Dan McCoy

[19:14] He is totally Jack Reacher.

Elliott Kalan

[19:19] Reacher feature Jack Reacher?

[19:20] Yeah, sure.

[19:22] And Vale starts talking to him.

[19:24] That's right, guys.

[19:25] They are American werewolf in London-ing Vale.

[19:28] He's now a ghost that talks to Nick.

[19:32] Meanwhile, police were investigating the plane crash,

[19:35] which I thought was weird because they already investigated the plane crash, right?

[19:37] Because they pulled Tom Cruise's body out of it and put it in a body bag.

[19:40] So these guys are investigating it like they didn't know a plane crashed.

Stuart Wellington

[19:44] Yeah, like they're the security guards and they're like,

[19:47] I heard a sound, and I guess I'll, wait a minute, this plane shouldn't be here.

Elliott Kalan

[19:52] It should be in the sky.

[19:53] What's this flame doing in me bog?

[19:58] I won a BAFTA award for that accent.

Stuart Wellington

[20:02] You promised no accent work today.

[20:05] I never promised that.

Elliott Kalan

[20:07] Anyway, they're the guys who are in every monster movie where it's their job to just wander in

Dan McCoy

[20:12] so the monster can kill them and show you what their powers are.

Elliott Kalan

[20:14] The mummy, who is now a spindly, prickly, crackly, twitchy, crawly kind of Ringu type of thing,

[20:21] kills them with death kisses and absorbs their life essence and starts reforming its body.

[20:26] And the cops become zombies who screech like raptors, which was kind of silly.

[20:30] And it's zombies walking around going like,

Stuart Wellington

[20:32] And for the most part, all these scenes that have a lot of special effects are done as dark and muddy as possible.

[20:41] It is the dark animals.

[20:43] What?

Elliott Kalan

[20:45] And it is also a way to cheap out on special effects.

[20:50] Jenny, she starts telling Nick, they go to a bar.

[20:53] She's like, it's weird that you survived that crash without a scratch.

[20:56] Anyway, I've been looking for this magic dagger and this magic jewel that you can perform.

[21:01] You can use to perform a ritual that brings the body, that brings the gods set into a man's body.

[21:05] Some crusaders took the jewel.

[21:07] And then she tells us more about the princess.

[21:09] And it's like, I know.

[21:10] We saw the beginning of the movie.

Dan McCoy

[21:13] Yeah, she should have just played the mummy starring Tom Cruise for Tom Cruise at that point.

[21:18] Here, watch this.

Elliott Kalan

[21:19] Just like in Spaceballs.

[21:20] Yeah.

[21:22] First Spaceballs reference of the night, guys.

[21:25] Buckle up.

[21:26] It's going to be a Spaceball-y night.

[21:28] I feel like we mentioned Monster Squad and Spaceballs.

[21:30] It's like, are we going to mention every movie that Elliot thought was awesome when he was 12?

[21:37] Meanwhile, Vale's ghost is like, Nick, meet me in the bathroom.

[21:39] And he goes, Nick, we're cursed.

[21:41] And Nick starts hallucinating that he's in an alleyway and the mummy attacks him with a horde of rats.

[21:45] And he's like, ah, ah.

[21:46] He comes to and he's with Jenny.

[21:48] And he's like, I saw a mummy.

[21:49] And she goes, eh, you just hit your head.

[21:51] You're crazy.

[21:52] And it's like, a scene ago you were telling him about a magic dagger.

Stuart Wellington

[21:57] Yeah, she'd mentioned that she thought they'd angered the gods at this point.

Elliott Kalan

[22:01] Yeah, she says, Nick, I think we may have angered the gods.

[22:04] One scene later, she's like, okay, enough with the crazy talk, crazy talk.

Dan McCoy

[22:08] I don't just believe in gods.

[22:10] I believe in the gods.

Elliott Kalan

[22:13] It's one of these weird moments where I'm like, is this a sequel to Multiplicity?

[22:17] And I didn't realize it.

[22:18] And the first Jenny went home and another Jenny showed up.

[22:23] But anyway, the mummy's just wandering around giving more guys zombifying kisses to steal their life energy or something.

[22:28] And it was around this time that I realized Tom Cruise is a man in his mid-50s, very well preserved.

[22:34] And in his movies, he's always matched up with a younger woman and kind of feeds off their younger energy.

[22:41] Guys.

Stuart Wellington

[22:42] Yeah, what are you suggesting, Elliot?

[22:44] I think Tom Cruise.

[22:46] What?

Elliott Kalan

[22:47] Is a mummy.

[22:48] Oh, man.

Stuart Wellington

[22:50] Elliot, are you skipping to the end of the movie?

Elliott Kalan

[22:53] Only thematically.

[22:54] I mean, in real life.

[22:54] But anyway, for the purposes of my career, I did not call Tom Cruise a mummy.

[23:00] Anyway, Nick and Jenny are like, hey, let's go over to this old crappy church near the crash site.

[23:05] Oh, not crappy.

[23:05] This old creepy church.

[23:06] It's a beautiful church.

[23:07] Anyway, I'm sure it's a landmark historic site.

[23:09] It's so sad that so much zombie damage takes place.

[23:12] They go to this castle church where the mummy shows up and there's a zombie fight.

[23:17] She captures Nick and she's about to stab him when she sees the jewel is not in the dagger.

[23:23] Oh, boy.

[23:24] She forgot the jewel.

[23:26] She's going to have to go back home, get it, put it in the dagger, come back to Tom Cruise.

Stuart Wellington

[23:32] And it's like with a Lyft driver, you have to pay him both ways, right?

[23:35] You have to, I guess you tip both ways, too.

[23:37] Of course you tip both ways.

Elliott Kalan

[23:39] It's probably separate drivers.

[23:40] Yeah.

[23:41] He's not going to wait for you outside.

[23:42] He's not making a living wage.

[23:43] He's got to keep hustling.

[23:44] Come on.

[23:46] I apologize.

[23:48] Oh, I'm sorry.

[23:49] The audience is very upset about that.

[23:50] I didn't realize that this is the National Convention of Deluded Lyft Drivers.

Dan McCoy

[24:00] I didn't realize there's such a hot-button issue out here.

Elliott Kalan

[24:03] Because I don't really think of Seattle as like a place with a lot of like tech app type stuff.

[24:07] No?

[24:11] It's like, what do I think of when I think of Seattle?

[24:13] No coffee.

[24:15] No tech app stuff.

[24:17] No Seahawks.

[24:18] Sunny.

[24:19] Very sunny.

[24:21] Anyway, so she's like, oh, my jam, I need it.

[24:24] There's a big zombie mummy fight.

[24:25] Cruise, at this point Tom Cruise is just kicking mummies apart and smashing them with his hands.

[24:29] And there's some kind of funny gags in it, but it's so dark it's hard to really make out what's going on.

[24:34] They get away in an ambulance, which was there.

[24:36] I guess that's the ambulance that the people who came to examine the crash site were in.

[24:41] Unless, like, relic churches are also ambulance parking lots in England.

[24:47] Yeah.

[24:49] They attack.

[24:50] Zombies are getting crawling all over their car.

[24:51] Ah, ah, ah.

Stuart Wellington

[24:52] Well, there's a moment where, so Tom Cruise is the one who brought them back here.

[24:56] And he's also the one who's driving the car.

[24:58] And they're like talking and he's driving.

[25:00] And all of a sudden he realizes he just drove back.

[25:02] Like, he can't get away from that mummy.

Elliott Kalan

[25:05] Yeah, he can't.

[25:05] Well, she says.

[25:06] He is committed to this dark universe.

[25:08] Jenny goes, she's in your head.

[25:10] And he should have gone, zahambe, zahambe.

[25:13] But he doesn't.

[25:14] I mean.

[25:14] He doesn't.

[25:15] For a while when we were watching it.

[25:16] Are we supposed to believe Tom Cruise is not familiar with the work of the Cranberries?

[25:21] Because, correct me if I'm wrong, didn't he star in Far and Away?

[25:25] A movie about an Irishman?

Dan McCoy

[25:28] I guess I can't argue with that math.

[25:31] I guess you're right, Elliot.

Stuart Wellington

[25:34] Well, I mean, it felt kind of like they were playing that song in the movie because you kept singing it over and over.

Elliott Kalan

[25:42] It's a solid song.

[25:43] That's a solid horror song.

[25:44] It's off-putting.

[25:46] Anyway, they crash the car.

[25:48] They drive back to where the mummy is.

[25:50] They crash the car.

[25:51] And the mummy's about to kill Jenny when.

[25:53] Trank darts.

[25:54] Not this again.

[25:55] Some commando, black ops, wet works, infiltrate, exfiltrate types come in.

[25:59] And there's like several dozen of them.

[26:01] And they kidnap the mummy and they trank up Tom Cruise, which seems unnecessary at that point.

[26:07] Anyway, this is where the dark universe really gets university.

[26:11] Because they get taken to the headquarters of Prodigium, which is the British government's, they don't really explain what it is, kind of secret evil hunting force.

[26:21] And it's led by Russell Crowe as, you guessed it, Dr. Henry Jekyll.

[26:25] Uh-oh!

[26:26] Of Heckle and Jekyll, the cartoon crows.

[26:31] He's the one who sounds like Jimmy Durante, I think.

Dan McCoy

[26:34] Yeah, I'm not a big heckle head.

[26:37] So I don't.

[26:38] Or a Jekyll head.

[26:39] You're more of a Jek boy?

[26:40] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[26:40] You love Jekking off to the Jekyll part of the cartoon?

[26:42] Yeah, that's right.

[26:45] Anyway, Henry Jekyll in the part in the Russell Crowe, he gives a bunch of long speeches about the shape of evil.

[26:50] We're always looking for evil.

[26:52] He is so avoiding saying the word monster.

[26:54] Like, it is crazy the tap dancing he has to do linguistically to get around saying monster.

[26:59] But you see, like, there's like a Gilman hand in a jar and there's like a Dracula skull in a jar.

[27:05] There's all sorts of great stuff.

[27:06] And Henry Jekyll, he's got to inject himself with his anti-hyde medicine or else Edward comes out.

[27:11] And no, not Eddie the dog from Frasier.

[27:13] Uh-huh.

Stuart Wellington

[27:15] You're talking about Eddie Deason, your favorite actor of all time?

Elliott Kalan

[27:18] My favorite actor of all time, Eddie Deason from War Games, I Want to Hold Your Hand, all sorts of great stuff.

[27:23] 1941.

[27:24] 1941.

[27:25] Yeah, sure.

[27:25] Nerd type movie, all sorts of them.

[27:28] Except Revenge of the Nerds.

[27:28] He's not in that.

[27:30] That feels like a mistake.

[27:32] Like an oversight.

Dan McCoy

[27:33] Yeah.

[27:34] Eddie Deason was on the phone to his agent being like, why was I not giving him the job?

Elliott Kalan

[27:38] I gave you one job.

[27:40] Get me the nerd roles.

[27:42] But apparently, I was listening to you, apparently people come up to him all the time and tell

[27:45] him how much they liked him in Revenge of the Nerds.

[27:47] I was like, you're welcome.

[27:48] Thanks, I guess.

[27:49] Anyway, Jenny also works for Prodigium.

[27:52] Uh-oh.

[27:53] What does that mean?

[27:54] Not much, really.

Dan McCoy

[27:56] It means that it's even more baffling that she did not believe that a mummy was after Tom

[28:00] Cruise.

Elliott Kalan

[28:00] That is a good point.

[28:01] Was she just like playing a game with his heart?

[28:04] Like, I don't understand.

[28:06] They've chained up Aminette in a room, and they're just pumping mercury into her body in

[28:11] the hopes that eventually she will settle down enough that they can dissect her.

Dan McCoy

[28:14] And Aminette-

[28:15] As anyone would do if you pumped mercury into their body.

Elliott Kalan

[28:17] Because they've explained earlier that mercury is like Egyptian anti-magic, but no bad

[28:22] stuff, magic stuff.

[28:23] No.

[28:23] Okay.

[28:24] So if you're ever attacked by an Egyptian mummy, crack open a thermometer and just shove it

[28:27] in her face.

[28:28] Come on.

[28:29] That's the way to do it.

[28:30] Yeah.

[28:31] Get an old Victorian hat and just kind of wring all the mercury out of the felt.

[28:36] Wear gloves.

[28:37] It will drive you crazy if you don't.

Dan McCoy

[28:39] It would probably work for a normal human, too, to shove a mercury thermometer in their

[28:42] face.

[28:42] So I guess all bases are covered.

[28:44] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[28:45] And Aminette is like, because she's awake and just talking to him, hey, Nick, you're going

[28:49] to take my lover's place in the set ritual.

[28:51] And they tell the story again.

[28:53] It's the plan of when she killed her family.

[28:55] And she literally says, they were different times.

[28:57] And it's like, oh, so people didn't know it was wrong back then?

[29:01] Like, it was okay to do those things?

[29:03] Like, look, we're more enlightened now.

[29:05] People know it's not okay to kill your baby brother and slit your dad's throat while he's

[29:10] sleeping.

[29:11] Like, back then, we didn't know those things were okay.

[29:13] It wasn't okay.

[29:13] It was a more innocent time.

Stuart Wellington

[29:14] Yeah.

[29:15] It was a different time.

[29:16] Ghosts give blowjobs.

[29:17] Who knows?

Elliott Kalan

[29:20] And she starts tempting him with a vision in his head.

[29:23] Meanwhile, the workers at that crusader tomb, remember that?

[29:27] They find the gemstone that belongs in the dagger.

[29:30] And Aminette has some kind of psychic premonition that she's done it.

[29:32] And she's like, time to go to end phase.

[29:36] And meanwhile, Jekyll's like...

Stuart Wellington

[29:37] So wait, is this a she intended to get captured situation?

[29:41] I don't think so.

Elliott Kalan

[29:41] Because that's your favorite thing a bad guy can do, right?

[29:43] Oh, I love it.

Elliott Kalan

[29:43] I love it when a bad guy intends to get captured and then does something that he could have done

[29:47] much more easily outside of a jail.

[29:50] I don't understand why.

[29:51] It's like every now and then.

[29:53] I don't know if this happens in DC Comics, but I don't read that.

[29:55] But every now and then in Marvel Comics, the same villain will show up in five books

[29:59] in one month.

[30:00] Like, suddenly five guys were all like, hey, you know who we haven't seen in a while?

[30:03] Pin Fang Foom.

[30:05] Let me put him in my book and I'll just pretend he hasn't been seen in a while.

Dan McCoy

[30:10] Which is a, by the way, for people who don't know, a giant dragon man.

Elliott Kalan

[30:14] He's a giant alien who looks like a dragon.

[30:16] Yeah.

[30:17] And he wears little purple shorts.

[30:19] And you can put him to sleep with like a magic onion if you make him smell it.

[30:24] I don't know if that's still part of canon, but in the original story, that's what they do.

[30:29] And so suddenly you're reading five books that Pin Fang Foom shows up in and you're like,

[30:33] this is a lot.

[30:34] I mean, I love Pin Fang Foom.

[30:35] There's a lot of Pin Fang Foom all of a sudden.

[30:37] So it's like this movie is not.

[30:41] So I'm trying to remember how I got onto that.

[30:44] So there was that period where some.

[30:47] Love Pin Fang Foom.

[30:47] I mean, I do love Pin Fang Foom.

[30:49] But it's like even I can have too much triple F, you know.

[30:51] But there was this period where every movie they were like, hey, what if it turns out the

[30:56] bad guy wanted to get captured?

[30:58] And I wanted to be like, Hollywood, let's sit down for a minute.

[31:01] Now, let's table that issue about all the reboots.

[31:04] Because I tried to explain to you guys that when Khan showed up in Star Trek the first time,

[31:08] it was just an idea somebody had.

[31:10] And it wasn't like a thing they were referencing.

[31:12] You don't have to do, you can make a new thing.

[31:14] You don't have to do Khan again.

[31:16] So let's forget that.

[31:17] Guys, do you think it would be cool if the villain got captured on purpose as part of

[31:23] his plan and five screenwriters all go, hey, I was going to do that.

[31:26] And then they look at each other and go, uh-oh.

[31:29] I wish I could do that.

[31:31] But it's too late now.

[31:32] It's too late, yeah.

[31:34] So anyway, I don't.

[31:35] But no, I don't think this is one of those cases.

[31:36] I think she didn't want to get captured.

[31:38] But they are so bad at capturing monsters.

[31:41] Yeah.

[31:41] It just didn't hurt her at all anyway.

[31:44] And because she uses a, so anyway, Dr. Jekyll is like, so we're going to end the curse.

[31:47] We're going to do the ritual.

[31:48] And then when Seth is in your body, I'm going to kill you.

[31:50] And that way we'll kill Seth.

Dan McCoy

[31:52] Tom Cruise, for some reason, doesn't like this idea.

Elliott Kalan

[31:54] Yeah.

[31:54] And he's like.

[31:55] He's like, what?

[31:56] I'm a huge star.

[31:58] Hold on a second.

[31:59] Yeah.

[32:00] And you're going to kill me, Tom Cruise?

[32:02] I'm never going to die.

[32:03] And Russell Crowe's like.

[32:04] I'm going to sin with Zew.

[32:05] He's like, mate, mate, let's.

[32:08] Russell Crowe's like, mate, let's shut off the cameras.

[32:10] Again, it's not, we're not really killing you with the character.

[32:13] You're in a movie.

[32:14] And Tom's like, right, right, right, right.

[32:16] I forgot.

[32:17] Okay.

[32:17] I don't remember when I'm not in a movie and when I'm in a movie or not.

[32:20] Okay.

[32:21] And so, but it's one of those things where it's like, it's a weird idea.

[32:24] Like, okay, they're going to give this god a mortal form and then murder it.

[32:27] It made me wonder, why does Seth want a mortal form so badly?

[32:31] How does that help him in any way?

Stuart Wellington

[32:33] Probably because being in a mortal body lets you feel the pleasures of the flesh.

[32:40] So you're saying Seth.

[32:41] You can eat all the ice cream in the world.

[32:45] You can cover your body in all the ice cream you can buy.

[32:50] Wait, are those the pleasures of the flesh?

[32:53] There's two of them.

[32:54] You can make ice cream with your family.

Elliott Kalan

[32:59] So you're saying Seth is sitting on a throne in the Egyptian underworld and he's just kind

[33:05] of like weighing, he's weighing the hearts of dead souls against a feather to see if they belong in the eternal rest or eternal fire.

[33:11] And he's like, oh, all this power means nothing because I'll never know what Stephen Colbert's Americone dream tastes like.

Stuart Wellington

[33:22] Yeah, that's exactly what I said.

[33:24] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[33:26] Oh, what worth all these souls if Chunky Monkey has denied me?

[33:33] Anyway, so Nick's like, I don't like that.

[33:35] And he says, Hyde.

[33:36] No, he says, Jekyll, I'm not going to give you your meds.

[33:38] I'm going to take them from you until you don't kill me.

[33:40] And he's like, well, now I'm going to turn into Mr. Hyde and we're going to fight a little bit.

[33:44] And Mr. Hyde is like, Dr. Jekyll is very refined.

[33:47] Of course, Mr. Hyde is a cockney bruiser.

Dan McCoy

[33:50] Yeah, there's a weird class system thing going on there.

[33:54] Like as soon as he turns evil, he just like, he's a lower class.

Stuart Wellington

[33:57] I would say that Russell Crowe is much more adept at playing the bruiser than the refined guy.

[34:04] When he comes walking out with a book, I'm like, there's, that book is empty.

[34:09] It's like, there's a flask in there.

Elliott Kalan

[34:12] It's like the moment in any porn movie where a guy is supposed to be working in an office

[34:16] and he's this jacked ex-con wearing a very ill-fitting suit and tie.

Dan McCoy

[34:21] Yeah, he's got like a neck tattoo.

[34:22] You're like, you're not an accountant.

[34:26] But with Russell Crowe in a book.

Stuart Wellington

[34:28] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[34:30] It's more likely to be like a Nintendo Power or like country music guitar tablatures.

[34:38] Anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[34:43] Sure, I mean, he's got a bat.

[34:44] Yeah, 30-odd foot of grunt, sure.

[34:47] Not if I called 30-odd foot of reasonable discussion.

[34:51] So the mummy uses a spider to crawl into a lab worker's ear.

[34:54] It takes forever for this lab worker to realize a spider is crawling on his face.

[34:58] And it crawls into his ear and he's like, huh, weird feeling in my ear.

Stuart Wellington

[35:01] That's the thing, like, I slap my face thinking there's a bug on it way more often than there's ever a bug on it.

[35:08] I like to think if there's an actual evil magic bug on my face, I would know it.

Elliott Kalan

[35:12] I wish there was a little scene that showed him getting there late to work and he's like, ah, a dentist appointment.

[35:17] Ah, full of novocaine.

[35:20] Go ahead, slap me in the face.

[35:22] Can't feel it.

[35:23] No?

[35:24] All right.

[35:24] Maybe.

[35:24] Just don't wait until it wears off.

Dan McCoy

[35:28] I love that.

[35:29] I love that.

[35:30] That was literally true.

[35:32] And the director was, like, talking to the screenwriter.

Elliott Kalan

[35:33] He's like, I know what you're getting at, but I don't think we need the scene in here.

[35:38] The screenwriter's like, how else does he not feel the spider on his face?

[35:41] And the director is like, that's really what you're wondering about right now?

[35:45] So, the mummy controls that guy and he frees her by just, like, smashing up all the machinery.

[35:52] And she calls up a wind and sandstorm.

[35:56] And Nick is-

Dan McCoy

[35:56] She does a little bit of Cirque du Soleil stuff, too.

Elliott Kalan

[35:59] Yeah, she's swinging around on chains.

[36:00] It's all very, what's a Cirque du Soleil show?

Dan McCoy

[36:03] I don't know, Love?

[36:04] Maybe that Love show.

Elliott Kalan

[36:05] Yeah, one more called, like, Gymnastamento.

Dan McCoy

[36:08] Zumanity?

[36:09] Zumanity, yeah, that's right.

Elliott Kalan

[36:11] Yeah, was that the original title of Zootopia?

Dan McCoy

[36:14] That was the original title of Zubilee Zoo.

[36:17] Wow.

[36:18] Where magic and wonder are waiting for you.

Elliott Kalan

[36:21] Dan, you picked, I think, the one children's theme song where I'm like, I'll take your word for it.

[36:24] I don't know the words to that one.

[36:26] Ask me the Denver Last Dinosaur song.

[36:28] I'll tell you all about that.

[36:29] But tell me about-

[36:30] I'll tell you about Zuzha, but I don't know Zubilee Zoo.

Dan McCoy

[36:33] I only know the theme song because I was like, it would come on and be like, well, time to turn the television off.

Elliott Kalan

[36:38] So it was like when I used to record The Office on NBC on my DVR, there'd always be that one minute of outsourced at the end.

[36:45] And I'd be like, delete.

[36:48] Don't want to watch this.

[36:49] Anyway, I want to make our- the kind of thing that I'm going to make a lot, this warning, now that I live in L.A., a lot of great people worked on this movie.

[36:58] A lot of great people worked on outsourced.

[36:59] I am in no way saying the people who worked on it are bad.

[37:03] Sometimes good people work on bad things.

[37:04] Anyway, so she calls up a wind and sandstorm.

[37:08] Nick and Jenny just outrun it like crazy.

[37:10] And they're just running past civilians.

[37:12] They are not trying to help anybody.

[37:14] And it gets so big, all the windows in London are shattering.

[37:17] A huge sand cloud with the mummy's face on it engulfs the parliament building.

[37:23] And this is- we never see how this affects London.

[37:27] Like, it just kind of happens.

[37:28] And it's like, all right, I guess London just dealt with that.

[37:31] Like, all the glaziers in London were rubbing their hands together with glee.

[37:36] Boys, put down those bankruptcy papers.

Dan McCoy

[37:39] And we're back in business.

[37:40] I'm sure it chased the transit news off of the news that night.

[37:44] Like, wait, there's a bigger story than the transit.

Stuart Wellington

[37:47] Hold on, we don't have-

[37:47] Although, if all the windows are broken, all this sand around,

Dan McCoy

[37:52] I don't know where you're going.

Stuart Wellington

[37:53] You're looking at me as if I know where you're going with this.

[37:56] You can make glass out of sand.

[37:58] Okay.

[37:59] Yeah, but it's not like you can just do that at home.

[38:01] Thanks.

Elliott Kalan

[38:03] You still got to pay a guy to do the job.

[38:05] It's a life hack.

[38:06] Yeah.

[38:07] It's a life hack for all the Londoners.

[38:08] Yeah, it's a life hack.

[38:10] If something ever happens to your window, just get a tub full of sand.

[38:13] And then do something to it.

Dan McCoy

[38:15] And then become a glazier.

[38:16] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[38:17] Fucking Superman or somebody show over and laser beam it.

Elliott Kalan

[38:20] I do wish there had been a scene where the queen is being introduced to a duke from somewhere

[38:24] and his monocle smashes.

[38:28] And she goes, I never-

[38:31] Anyway, they're all running around.

[38:34] Nick jumps through a bus, which is kind of a cool stunt.

[38:37] Yeah.

[38:37] Like a bus is sliding towards them and he jumps through the windshield and just kind of rolls

[38:40] around the seats for a while.

[38:42] Vale's ghost shows up and is like, Nick, follow me.

[38:44] And takes them to a train tunnel where they are attacked by zombies.

[38:48] I don't know why Vale took them there.

Dan McCoy

[38:51] I don't know what that was supposed to accomplish.

[38:52] The mummy's-

[38:52] I think he has to complete his delivery of him to the mummy maybe so he can rest in peace.

[38:58] He's got to get a signature from the mummy.

[39:00] Yeah.

[39:01] Yeah, yeah.

[39:02] It's like a process server for the mummy.

Elliott Kalan

[39:03] What if they showed up in the mummy's tomb and the mummy's not in?

[39:05] It's like, sorry, Nick, we're going back to the holding facility.

[39:08] Yeah.

[39:08] We'll just stick up this incredibly easy to remove adhesive piece of paper to the mummy's

[39:13] tomb door.

Stuart Wellington

[39:14] Yeah, and write some arbitrary time on it because I was fucking home at that time.

Dan McCoy

[39:20] Write a number down that if you put it into the internet, they're like, no, don't recognize

[39:25] this number.

Elliott Kalan

[39:26] Or it says, we'll be back tomorrow at the same time, the time we already know you're not

[39:30] at the house.

[39:32] He wasn't here at 11 a.m., a time when almost nobody is at their house.

[39:37] I'll come back at 11 a.m. tomorrow.

[39:39] It's more convenient for me.

Dan McCoy

[39:40] Well, that's our five minute on deliveries, so we'll-

[39:43] You've been great.

Elliott Kalan

[39:44] Now for our five minutes on deliverance.

[39:46] You may be a redneck if-

[39:48] If you fuck Ned Beatty?

[39:53] I mean, it seems like that's casting a pretty wide net.

Dan McCoy

[39:56] No, not every redneck, but if you do, then you are a redneck.

Elliott Kalan

[40:01] No, not everyone who has had sex with Ned Beatty is a redneck, Dan.

[40:04] I'm saying exactly-

[40:05] No, you're not saying that at all.

Dan McCoy

[40:07] All right, Ned Beatty's wife isn't a redneck.

Elliott Kalan

[40:10] All right.

[40:10] Well, we don't know that, Dan.

[40:11] I'm just saying, let's not take it for granted.

Stuart Wellington

[40:13] Way to keep one foot on shore over here, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[40:18] You open us up to a real libel suit from Mr. and Mrs. Beatty.

[40:24] And I don't mean Warren Beatty and the Ned Beatty.

[40:26] They love me.

Dan McCoy

[40:27] All right.

[40:27] I mean, we're so close to the end.

Elliott Kalan

[40:29] Okay, so the mummy attacks the place where the crusader knights are.

[40:34] Those crusader knights come to life, and now they work for the mummy.

[40:36] It's like, do you guys forget why you brought the gem here in the first place?

[40:39] Because I did.

[40:40] Why did you bring that gem here in the first place?

[40:43] What did you think it was?

[40:45] And Amanet puts the gem on the dagger.

[40:47] Uh-oh.

[40:48] And it does something that, Stuart, I think you said you like.

Stuart Wellington

[40:50] Yeah, it's like, uh, it's, it like suctions in there.

[40:53] Like, it's a magnet.

Elliott Kalan

[40:55] Yeah.

[40:56] I really liked it.

[40:58] Like, it reminds me of the first time I got, I got a laptop where there was a magnet in the

[41:03] charger thing.

[41:04] And I held it up to the charging port, and it just kind of finished the job.

[41:07] And I was like, that's pretty nice.

[41:09] The future's now.

[41:10] That saved me a millimeter of movement.

[41:13] Thank you, Apple.

Stuart Wellington

[41:15] Well, it's that last millimeter that's the hardest.

Elliott Kalan

[41:18] That was worth losing the ability to play CDs or DVDs on my computer.

Dan McCoy

[41:22] Thank you.

[41:22] That was worth you putting a proprietary port on everything and then changing it every

[41:26] couple years.

[41:27] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[41:28] There is going to come a time when Apple has a new kind of electricity that we all have

[41:31] to use.

[41:32] I was like, I guess I got to rewire my house for Apple Currants.

Dan McCoy

[41:36] And Apple's going to electrocute an elephant to show us how good it is.

[41:41] Yeah.

[41:42] Terrible.

Elliott Kalan

[41:44] Thanks for nothing, Apple.

[41:46] Tim Cook with your Cook's Tours of Europe.

[41:49] Okay.

[41:50] Does he do those?

Dan McCoy

[41:52] Oh, but Anthony Bourdain did, which I think brought the audience down.

[41:56] The Cook's Tour was...

Elliott Kalan

[41:57] I think you're reading way too much.

[41:59] Okay.

[42:00] Anyway.

[42:02] There's a...

[42:03] Jenny drowns in a flooded tunnel.

[42:04] I don't remember how they got in the flooded tunnel.

[42:06] Nick gets captured and the mummy is beating the shit out of him.

[42:10] But Nick uses this.

[42:12] You can see.

[42:14] Steals the dagger out from under her very mummified nose.

[42:17] And after briefly beating her up a little bit, stabs himself with the dagger.

[42:23] Ah, and he shakes around and he gets double-pupiled like her.

[42:26] And the gem goes dark and the dagger shatters.

[42:28] Yeah.

[42:28] Now he is set.

[42:29] Yeah, this is the moment I look over at Ellie and I'm like...

[42:32] This is gonna be...

[42:33] And the mummy...

Stuart Wellington

[42:35] So then he chokeslams a woman a bunch.

Elliott Kalan

[42:38] Yeah.

[42:39] He starts picking up the mummy and just hammering her into the ground.

[42:42] And it's like...

[42:42] Even knowing she's a deadly mummy, this is kind of not cool.

Stuart Wellington

[42:45] This is what the audience wants to see is like the leader of a crazy fucking religious cult beating up a woman.

Elliott Kalan

[42:53] And then he chooses...

[42:55] And then I guess this is turnabout as fair play, but he chooses the most demeaning way to kill the mummy.

[42:59] He gives her a big old kiss on the lips and she shrivels up.

[43:01] And he's like, ah, I've regained myself.

[43:04] I've remembered who I am and I'm no longer set in the death god.

[43:06] And he screams at Jenny until she wakes up and comes back to life.

[43:10] And it's like, even that is like, how do I bring my beloved back to life?

[43:13] With a kiss?

[43:14] No, I'll just yell at her until she wakes up.

[43:17] Jenny, we're late!

[43:19] Get alive!

[43:20] Stupid dead body!

[43:22] Jenny!

[43:23] My boss is waiting for us!

[43:25] I am not...

[43:26] Jenny!

[43:27] Steely Dan is already two songs in, probably.

[43:30] Get up!

[43:32] Anyway, and so Nick goes to the shadows.

[43:34] He's now some kind of monster.

[43:35] What kind?

[43:36] We don't know.

[43:37] A mummy, I guess.

[43:38] We can't see him because the shadow's reenacting the Carlitos way poster.

[43:41] And he's given up his humanity for Jenny.

[43:45] And so it's a period and walks off into the darkness.

Stuart Wellington

[43:48] Just like Forrest Gump did, right?

Elliott Kalan

[43:50] Um, walks off into the darkness.

Stuart Wellington

[43:52] No, he trained as humanity for Jenny.

Elliott Kalan

[43:56] I guess so.

[43:57] Weird reading of that movie, but...

[43:58] I guess so.

[43:59] I think that's what happened.

[44:00] Like, that feather is his soul and he allows it to...

[44:03] And Anubis is going to weigh it against another feather, I guess?

[44:06] A box of chocolates, exactly.

[44:08] It's pretty clear in the text there, dude.

[44:11] It's like Anubis weighs your heart against a box of chocolates,

[44:14] but Anubis keeps eating the chocolate.

[44:15] So it's like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, you're making that box lighter.

[44:18] That's not fair.

Stuart Wellington

[44:18] Which is crazy because he's a dog-headed deity and chocolate is terrible for dogs.

Elliott Kalan

[44:26] He's going to be weighing his own soul soon.

[44:28] Oh, boy.

[44:29] So Dr. Jekyll shows up and he talks to Jenny about how now Nick's out there trying to find out if he's good or evil.

[44:34] And Nick brings Vale back to life and they go back to the desert.

[44:37] And Dr. Jekyll says they're going to search the world for a cure for the curse.

[44:42] But he'll always fight the evil in him.

[44:44] And Nick is like, let's go on an adventure.

[44:46] Like, I don't think he's looking for a cure.

[44:48] And they put Aminette back in her mercury box.

[44:51] Come back another day in the next Dark Universe movie, which I assume is going to be called, like, Frankenstein's Pal.

[44:59] So we then fast-forwarded through the credits, hoping for some kind of post-credits scene.

[45:05] I wanted a scene where they're like, there's a Dr. Jekyll in his office, just reading a book, as I always do.

[45:10] I'm a refined, intelligent, Oxbridge gentleman.

[45:13] And the phone rings.

Stuart Wellington

[45:14] Totally normal book.

Elliott Kalan

[45:16] There's an intern that goes, Dr. Jekyll, the other doctor is here to see you.

[45:20] What other doctor?

[45:21] He says his name is Frankenstein, but that doesn't happen.

[45:24] Or I was waiting for it to be, like, a man is here to see you.

[45:27] He says his name is Man, Wolfman.

[45:30] But that doesn't happen.

Dan McCoy

[45:32] This reminds me of the trailer that you said you always wanted to see, Stuart, where, like, someone runs down the hall in the White House and comes in and goes,

[45:40] Mr. President, have you ever heard of a werewolf?

[45:47] Which I think is the most amazing thing.

Elliott Kalan

[45:50] What is this werewolf doing that's a national issue?

Stuart Wellington

[45:54] I mean, that's what your imagination's for, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[45:57] Because I have to imagine the rest of the movie?

[45:59] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[46:00] That's what a trailer's all about.

[46:01] It's a teaser.

[46:03] What I was really hoping for was a scene where Russell Crowe, you know, Dr. Jekyll, is reading a totally normal book

[46:10] and not a collection of pornography that he pruned off the internet and is self-bound at a Kinko's.

Elliott Kalan

[46:18] Oh, it's not, he doesn't have, like, a book-binding apparatus in his garage or something.

[46:22] No.

[46:22] And he's, uh, and he's falling asleep at his desk.

[46:25] He slides across the counter at Kinko's.

[46:26] He's like, can you bind this for me?

[46:27] Don't look at it.

Stuart Wellington

[46:29] Uh, and he falls asleep at his desk and he wakes up in a dream world and we hear a familiar voice say,

[46:35] I think you need a new member of your dark universe, bitch.

[46:39] Freddy!

[46:40] Oh.

[46:41] And Freddy Krueger steps out into, into frame.

Elliott Kalan

[46:44] Yeah.

[46:44] Or what about if it was like...

Stuart Wellington

[46:46] He's a universal monster, right?

[46:47] No.

Elliott Kalan

[46:48] What if it was like...

[46:49] I mean, I think Elliot Fears is a universal language.

Dan McCoy

[46:52] He's universal in the sense that we all love him.

Elliott Kalan

[46:55] Yeah.

[46:55] That's true.

[46:56] He's a universal monster in that he exists in all cultures.

[46:58] Yeah.

[47:00] Much like, much like the trickster god or a story of a flood.

[47:04] Uh, or if it was like, it's like, we need another monster.

[47:08] And Jane Fonda walks out and she goes, how about a monster in law?

[47:13] And then Lily Tomlin walks out and goes, no, we're Grace and Frankie now.

[47:16] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[47:17] All right.

[47:17] Uh, we're running late.

[47:19] So let's, um...

[47:20] I just want to say one thing.

[47:21] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[47:22] Oh, and it can be part of my final judgment.

[47:23] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[47:24] Yeah.

[47:24] And this is where we do final judgments.

[47:26] Dark judgments.

[47:26] A good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie we kind of liked.

[47:31] Elliot, you were going to say something, so...

Elliott Kalan

[47:33] Bad bad guys.

[47:34] But anyway, let's get to what I was going to say.

[47:37] I love the universal monsters.

[47:38] I love them to death.

[47:40] Even beyond death, like many of the monsters themselves.

[47:43] There was a time when my wardrobe consisted mainly of universal monsters t-shirts and black jeans.

[47:48] They make t-shirts like those for guys bigger than me.

[47:50] Did I tuck in those t-shirts?

[47:51] Damn straight I did.

[47:55] Anyways.

[47:57] So here's what I was going to say.

[47:59] There's no one who would rather see a revitalized universal monsters more than me.

[48:03] And no one who would like to see it less than the descendants of the monster actors themselves,

[48:06] who make nothing off these movies.

[48:08] That's not true.

[48:09] They make it a little bit thanks to the court battle they had a few years ago.

[48:11] But anyway, so...

[48:13] But they are doing it...

[48:15] They're doing it...

[48:15] You refute your own point.

[48:18] I'm my own worst enemy, like Jekyll and Hyde.

[48:20] They are doing it, like, so weirdly by trying to make them into kind of, like, action-y...

[48:29] Like, they're trying to make them into superhero movies.

[48:31] The idea that, what, the monsters are now going to team up and be a team that fights other monsters.

[48:36] Like, whereas in the old universal monster crossover movies, they were just a bunch of monsters that fought each other and ate people.

[48:42] And it would be like, the only good one was the wolfman, because he was always trying to get cured, but he never could.

[48:47] But why would you try to start with the mummy of all monsters?

[48:52] Is there a less dynamic monster than the mummy?

[48:56] I know there's a lot of mum heads out there.

[48:59] But let me just say this.

[49:00] Sure, they tried it first with Dracula.

[49:01] It didn't work.

[49:02] Of course they did.

[49:02] Dracula is the diamond in the crown in that he's sexy, which the other universal monsters are not.

[49:09] Go to Frankenstein.

[49:10] Dude, not mummy.

[49:13] What are you thinking?

[49:14] Here's the hierarchy of universal monsters.

[49:16] Dracula up top.

[49:17] Two reasons.

[49:18] Sexy has a medal.

[49:20] He was in the Olympics.

[49:23] Number two.

[49:25] Frankenstein.

[49:26] Goes without saying.

[49:27] He's only the Chewbacca of the team.

[49:29] Exactly.

[49:30] He's the Chewbacca of the universal monsters.

[49:31] He's sympathetic, even though he rips the arms off of people.

[49:34] As seen in Son of Frankenstein.

[49:37] Anyway, number three.

[49:40] You guessed it.

[49:41] Wolfman.

[49:42] Yeah, yeah, of course.

[49:43] I'll tell you why.

[49:44] Everyone can relate to him.

[49:45] Everyone goes through a time in their life when they have just too much hair.

[49:48] So.

Dan McCoy

[49:49] I mean, you're still in that time, Ellie.

Elliott Kalan

[49:51] And I will be forever, unfortunately.

[49:53] Yeah.

[49:53] It's a curse that we pass on from generation to generation in my family.

[49:56] So do you put the mummy above Gillman?

[49:58] No, I don't.

[49:59] I'll tell you why.

[50:00] Gillman, beautiful design.

[50:02] Gorgeous.

[50:03] So beautiful.

[50:04] Women want to have sex with you.

[50:05] Sexy, too.

[50:06] There was a movie about it.

[50:08] It won best picture.

[50:12] Guillermo del Toro is rebooting Universal Monsters so much better than Universal is right now.

[50:17] I want him to keep doing off-brand Universal Monster movies where women have sex with each of these monsters.

[50:27] Okay.

[50:28] Next.

Dan McCoy

[50:29] Oh, we don't have time.

Elliott Kalan

[50:30] Do it fast.

[50:31] Do you think I'm going to say mummy?

[50:33] No.

[50:33] Metaluna Mutant from this island Earth.

[50:35] Oh, God.

[50:36] Come on.

[50:37] We sympathize with him because he can't tie his shoes because he has pincers for hands.

[50:41] And his brain is exposed.

[50:42] He's very vulnerable.

[50:44] He's the emo monster.

[50:46] All right.

[50:47] Then finally, mummy.

[50:48] Okay.

[50:49] You know why you put him last?

[50:51] Why?

[50:51] Because he's all wrapped up in himself.

[50:53] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[50:56] My final judgment is bad, bad.

[50:58] Stuart.

[51:01] Guys.

[51:01] All right.

[51:05] No, this was a bad, bad movie.

Stuart Wellington

[51:07] Yeah.

[51:07] There was just so many flashbacks.

[51:09] What's up with that, Tan?

[51:10] Why all the flashbacks?

Dan McCoy

[51:12] You know, something about the mummy makes us just nostalgic.

[51:15] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[51:17] It was the movie that thought we couldn't understand the concept of evil mummy comes back.

Dan McCoy

[51:23] And so it has to...

[51:24] That makes it sound like evil mummy, like, comes back to his hometown.

Elliott Kalan

[51:27] It's his high school reunion.

[51:29] Yeah.

[51:30] And he's like, I guess I should show up.

[51:32] Or she.

[51:32] It's a woman in this room.

[51:33] Yeah.

[51:34] Oh, I guess I should show them what I've accomplished in 20 years.

[51:37] Nothing.

[51:38] I live at the same tomb with the same scarabs.

Dan McCoy

[51:40] The same wrappings.

Elliott Kalan

[51:42] Same old wrappings.

[51:44] They're like, mummy, you were really the BMOC, big mummy on campus.

[51:47] Like, what's...

[51:48] With all that promise, you were voted most likely to be exhumed.

[51:52] Like, what's...

[51:53] What's been going on with you?

[51:56] Oh, nothing.

[51:57] I don't know what I'm doing in my life.

[51:58] It's like young adult, basically, with the mummy.

[52:01] Yeah.

[52:01] All right.

[52:02] So, yeah.

[52:02] So, I guess what I'm saying is, Universal, keep trying.

S7

[52:12] Hey, we're Ben and Adam, and we're here to tell you about our Star Trek podcast, The Greatest Generation.

S4

[52:17] Why should I listen to a Star Trek podcast?

[52:19] You may be asking yourself.

[52:21] WARS is actually good and funny.

S7

[52:24] We joke around.

[52:25] We have a lot of fun.

[52:26] We talk about film production techniques that are used in Star Trek.

[52:30] We love to break down the stories and the characters, and we just have a blast while we're doing it.

[52:35] It's kind of like sitting around with a couple of buds, having a beer, and talking about an episode of one of your favorite shows.

S4

[52:42] So, go to MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts, and subscribe to The Greatest Generation.

S7

[52:49] Yeah.

[52:49] Whatever you're using to listen to this, just have it find us and subscribe.

S5

[52:56] Hi, this is Rachel McElroy.

[52:58] Hello, this is Griffin McElroy.

[53:00] And this is wonderful.

[53:01] It's a podcast that we do as we are married.

[53:04] And how's the ad going so far?

[53:06] Because I think it's going very good.

[53:07] We talk about things we like every week on Wednesdays.

[53:10] One time, Rachel talked about pumpernickel bread.

[53:12] It was so tight.

[53:12] You cannot afford to miss her talking about this sweet brown bread.

S9

[53:16] We also talk about music and poems and, you know, weather.

[53:20] There is one...

S5

[53:21] Weather?

[53:21] One time, Rachel talked about Baby Beluga, this song, for like 14 minutes, and it just really blew my hair back.

[53:28] So, check us out on MaximumFun.org.

[53:30] It's a cool podcast with chill vibes.

[53:33] Amber is the color of our energy, is what all the iTunes reviews say.

[53:36] They will now.

Dan McCoy

[53:41] Hey, guys.

[53:42] It's Dan, your old buddy, Dan.

[53:45] You remember me.

[53:46] You were just listening to me in a different form on the live show.

[53:50] And because it's a live show, you know what that means.

[53:53] A solo ad read from yours truly.

[53:56] Hey, I'm not going to bring the Zazz this time.

[53:59] I'm going to be up front with you.

[54:00] Very little Zazz.

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[54:07] I took my cat to the vet.

[54:10] Cat's got gum disease.

[54:12] It's being taken care of.

[54:13] Don't worry about Archie.

[54:14] He's going to do just fine.

[54:15] He's not in pain right now.

[54:17] He just needs a little work done.

[54:19] But, you know, it's not fun.

[54:21] And it's very rainy and glum outside.

[54:24] And I'm just sitting here alone in a room talking to myself.

[54:28] So I don't get a lot of Zazz.

[54:30] But you know what deserves Zazz?

[54:32] Is Casper.

[54:34] The mattress.

[54:35] Not the ghost.

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[55:02] There's free shippings and returns in the U.S. and Canada.

[55:05] And you can be sure of your purchase with Casper's 100 night risk free sleep on it trial.

[55:11] That's 100 nights that you could sleep on a mattress without paying for it.

[55:15] Wow.

[55:16] Wow.

[55:16] Where can you get that deal?

[55:18] Not in a hotel.

[55:20] I'll tell you that.

[55:21] I tried to sleep in a hotel for 100 nights.

[55:23] They wanted money.

[55:25] Hey, I have a Casper mattress.

[55:27] And it's great.

[55:29] No complaints from old Dano.

[55:31] I mean, that's not true.

[55:33] I've got a lot of complaints, but they're not related to the comfort of my mattress.

[55:37] So, why don't you get $50 towards select mattresses by visiting Casper.com slash Flophouse and using promo code FLOPHOUSE at checkout.

[55:46] That's Casper.com slash Flophouse and promo code FLOPHOUSE for $50 toward select mattresses.

[55:53] Terms and conditions apply.

[55:56] Here's a Jumbotron going out over the earwaves.

[56:00] It's for Jack.

[56:02] And it's from Jenna.

[56:05] Or perhaps Gina.

[56:07] Because it begins with a G.

[56:09] I'm going to guess Jenna, but maybe it's Gina.

[56:13] Happy birthday, Jackster.

[56:14] You've got a wild schedule between taking care of baby wildlife and listening to the Flophouse in the shower.

[56:20] So, I'm always grateful we get to hang.

[56:22] You are the funniest person I know.

[56:24] Nobody makes me laugh harder.

[56:26] I'm so proud of all you've accomplished in just a quarter century.

[56:30] Cheers to the next 25 years.

[56:32] Love, Jenna Organa.

[56:34] That's very nice.

[56:35] Hey, we've got a couple of items of business, but I won't try and take up more of your time.

[56:42] There's a t-shirt contest ongoing.

[56:48] You design a t-shirt for the Flophouse.

[56:49] You win a prize, including picking a movie for us to do on the show.

[56:57] And if you go to the website, which is flophousepodcast.com, click on the blog section.

[57:04] I put up a post that says t-shirt contest.

[57:06] It has all of the details that I won't get into here.

[57:12] But it has all the technical specs you need and everything like that.

[57:15] And we're doing a lot of touring coming up in the summer and early fall.

[57:24] In June, we'll be in Portland.

[57:26] That's June 8.

[57:28] July 13th, we'll be in Minneapolis.

[57:31] On the 28th of September, we'll be in Boston.

[57:34] The early show has sold out.

[57:36] That's a 7 p.m. show.

[57:37] But we've added a 9.45 p.m. show where things get a little sexier.

[57:44] And then on October the 12th, we'll be in Los Angeles.

[57:50] But I won't waste any more of your time with my irritating ramblings.

[57:54] Listen to my irritating ramblings broken up by the irritating ramblings of my co-hosts.

[57:59] Back at the show.

[58:01] All right.

[58:02] We have a little time to do our final segment, which is answer a few questions from the audience.

[58:07] If people have questions.

Elliott Kalan

[58:09] You may not have questions.

Dan McCoy

[58:10] That's okay.

[58:10] That's fine.

Elliott Kalan

[58:11] Or you may have questions.

[58:12] Maybe we answered all of them.

Dan McCoy

[58:13] We're a bunch of idiots.

Elliott Kalan

[58:14] For this part, we stand up because we've been sitting for a while and we're old now.

Dan McCoy

[58:17] There's a microphone somewhere.

[58:19] Over there.

[58:19] Over there?

Elliott Kalan

[58:20] Stage right, house left.

[58:22] There's a microphone.

Dan McCoy

[58:23] All right.

[58:24] So until...

[58:25] Try not to trample each other.

[58:27] Get in that microphone.

Elliott Kalan

[58:28] This is not the coronation of a czar.

[58:29] We don't need a crowd to be trampled to death.

[58:32] That kind of stuff would happen back then.

[58:35] If they were all running from vampires or something.

[58:38] Okay, guys.

Dan McCoy

[58:39] We probably won't have time to get through everyone.

[58:41] I warn you.

Elliott Kalan

[58:42] And we're going to have even less time because I gotta say Seattle.

[58:47] It's a great day.

[58:49] Seattle.

[58:50] The place that's known for its cattle.

[58:53] Seattle.

[58:53] That's a rhyme I stole from Weird Al.

[58:57] In a song about Seattle.

[59:00] So we're here at the Neptune Theater.

[59:02] Surrounded by stained glass images of Neptune.

[59:05] A guy who can ride a horse or a dolphin.

[59:08] What can this guy not ride?

[59:13] Neptune Theater because we're next to the sea.

[59:16] Add a T and a T and an L and an E.

[59:19] You got Seattle.

[59:22] Yeah!

[59:23] And now we're going to answer some questions.

[59:26] From the people of this great town.

[59:29] Turn that smile back into a frown.

[59:32] Then turn it back into a smile.

[59:35] Because it's time for those questions from Seattle.

[59:38] Thanks, everybody.

[59:39] All right.

[59:41] Question time.

Stuart Wellington

[59:45] Dan, you remember that you've gotten those human resources complaints about climbing under tables.

[59:52] All right.

S6

[59:53] Yes, sir.

[59:54] All right.

[59:55] Morgan.

[59:56] Last name was help.

[59:58] Hi, Morgan.

[59:58] Long time listener.

[59:59] Good time caller.

[1:00:01] You are here.

[1:00:02] Thank you so much for the show.

[1:00:04] I loved it.

[1:00:05] Two quick things.

[1:00:06] One, there's a post-show meetup at the College and Pub.

[1:00:11] If anyone wants to come out, we'll have drinks.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:14] How close is that from here?

[1:00:17] Okay.

[1:00:18] We can do that.

[1:00:19] College and Pub.

[1:00:20] All right.

[1:00:20] We were going to recommend another bar, but we have no attachment to that other bar.

[1:00:25] We'll go to the College and Pub.

[1:00:26] College and Pub, everyone.

[1:00:27] I guess it's where people go to get their lips popped up.

[1:00:28] College and Pub.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:29] And I'm going to use this as an opportunity to note the fact that we also have, after the

[1:00:35] show, we do have some shirts and some posters.

[1:00:38] We're only selling at live shows this year.

[1:00:43] Who knows what will happen next year?

[1:00:44] Yeah, who knows?

[1:00:45] And we'll be signing them.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:46] Might all be dead.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:47] Yeah.

[1:00:49] Dan.

[1:00:50] What?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:52] Sorry.

[1:00:52] We'll be signing stuff afterwards if anyone's interested in that.

[1:00:55] So what's your question, sir?

[1:00:56] Morgan.

S6

[1:00:56] So my question is, as we learn from The Mummy, monsters are very funny.

[1:01:02] Huh?

[1:01:03] We knew that before we watched The Mummy.

[1:01:06] If you had to be sitting to buy a monster, would you pick?

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:10] Well, we know Elliot's not going to pick Mummies.

[1:01:12] No.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:14] Bride of Frankenstein.

[1:01:15] Elsa Lanchester.

[1:01:16] Come on.

[1:01:17] But not as the bride.

[1:01:19] As Mary Shelley earlier in the movie.

[1:01:22] And she is very cleavy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:26] I'm going to say a werewolf because, you know...

[1:01:29] Sometimes he's a bad boy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:35] But he's trying to be good, you know?

[1:01:36] Yeah.

[1:01:37] You can tame him, yeah.

[1:01:38] Yeah, I think I can change.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:45] Was Ingrid Pitt a vampire in The Vampire Lovers?

[1:01:47] Or was she just a victim of a vampire?

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:49] I don't remember.

[1:01:50] Dan, the...

[1:01:50] The answer is Ingrid Pitt.

[1:01:51] Those...

[1:01:52] I think, Dan, those types of vampire movies are more at your speed.

[1:01:56] I like the vampire movies.

[1:01:59] They're black and white.

[1:02:00] They're Bella Goose.

[1:02:00] And I'm going to do Dracula.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:03] I like a movie where a woman vampire seduces another woman vampire.

[1:02:08] I'm not judging you by what you like.

[1:02:10] All right.

[1:02:10] I'm saying what I like.

[1:02:11] Give me the LaGose.

[1:02:12] Thank you.

[1:02:12] Anyway, thank you.

[1:02:13] Thank you so much.

[1:02:19] Yeah, just...

[1:02:20] Yeah, just rip it out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:21] Yeah, open mic night.

[1:02:23] For those at home, a man took the microphone off the stand.

[1:02:28] It was a feat of strength.

[1:02:30] I'm about to run across the stage, so get ready for that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:34] John, last name withheld.

[1:02:37] Hi, John.

[1:02:37] I was listening to the podcast today as I was walking my dog around in my leg.

[1:02:42] That all.

[1:02:43] Don't pander to your own hometown.

[1:02:47] Pandering.

[1:02:47] Yes.

[1:02:49] And I was listening to episode 77.

[1:02:53] Don't know which one that is.

[1:02:54] Skyline.

[1:02:55] Skyline.

[1:02:56] Oh, yeah.

[1:02:57] That's a movie.

[1:02:57] And you guys mentioned...

[1:02:59] Based on the chili franchise.

[1:03:02] Yeah.

[1:03:04] And you guys mentioned there was a more interesting movie going on in the background that was not

S8

[1:03:12] our main character.

[1:03:14] Can you guys think of any other movies where there is a more interesting movie going on that

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:20] is not the movie that the movie is focused on than the main character there, that is in

[1:03:27] the setting or the background?

[1:03:29] Not the A plot.

[1:03:31] Exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:32] I mean, this is not to disparage the movie it appears in, but in 12 Monkeys, we make

[1:03:37] a movie about the movie Vertigo, and Vertigo is better than 12 Monkeys.

[1:03:42] Which 12 Monkeys is not a bad movie.

[1:03:44] Well, okay, then it's the part in Overdrawn at the Memory Bank when Casablanca starts playing.

[1:03:48] Okay.

[1:03:50] And you get whiplash from the gulf between those two films.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:57] I think that pretty much every comedy has a less interesting lead than the supporting

[1:04:05] characters.

[1:04:06] Yeah.

[1:04:07] This is like a cop-out answer because I'm not getting specific about anything.

[1:04:10] But I feel like they make...

[1:04:12] They're like, oh, the supporting characters can be funny.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:14] I want to know what Judy Greer's up to.

[1:04:17] I hit my pocket.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:26] Yeah.

[1:04:26] Oh, I thought...

[1:04:26] Now it works.

[1:04:27] A slide came up...

[1:04:28] Now somehow this works.

[1:04:29] I get it.

[1:04:29] A slide came up from Stuart's presentation that said game over, and I was like, computer.

[1:04:33] You bitch.

[1:04:36] Patty, computer.

[1:04:38] Dan's computer is the Samantha of us.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:41] Stuart, do you have any answer or do you want to pass?

[1:04:44] I mean, like the moment in Remedians where Michael Fassman was looking for a movie.

[1:04:49] I don't know.

[1:04:50] I like this part.

[1:04:53] I don't know if that quite answers it, but that's the best I can do.

[1:04:58] Thank you very much.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:00] Next question.

[1:05:00] I think I should have sent this in earlier.

[1:05:02] Thanks, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:04] Even if you sent it earlier, Dan would be like, oh, I forgot to look for you.

[1:05:06] Here, let's do this one.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:08] We have someone in an original Rocket Crocodile t-shirt, so that's exciting.

[1:05:14] Collector's item.

S7

[1:05:16] Hi, Tristan.

[1:05:17] Last name withheld.

[1:05:20] There's a scene in the movie in the rural Anglican church where the Princess Amonet makes

[1:05:26] it very clear that she likes Tom Cruise's body.

[1:05:29] Yeah, she's rubbing all over it.

[1:05:31] She actually checks his teeth like a horse.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:33] I mean, he has good teeth.

[1:05:37] I mean, she's going to put Set in that body.

[1:05:39] He's got to make that good.

[1:05:40] Yeah.

[1:05:41] Since apparently all Set wants to do with eat ice cream and all the foods he can't get.

[1:05:45] It's like, how is Set going to enjoy a corn cob if this guy doesn't have good teeth?

[1:05:49] Yeah.

S7

[1:05:51] So my question is, if you had to pick an actor to be the vessel for an ancient god, which actor

[1:05:59] and which god?

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:01] I mean, I'd say Mads Mikkelsen, but any god would be lucky to get into that vessel.

[1:06:07] But I guess, you know what?

[1:06:10] Hephaestus has had a pretty hard time of it.

[1:06:13] He deserves a good bod now.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:16] So you want to put Hephaestus in Mads Mikkelsen?

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:18] Yeah, dude.

[1:06:19] Can't you see Mads Mikkelsen like sweating over a cord?

[1:06:22] That would be amazing.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:23] I think it would be funny, just for the larves of it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:28] Unlike mine, which was a very serious proposition.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:30] Hephaestus, Mads, get in touch with me.

[1:06:34] To put Thor into Steve Buscemi.

[1:06:39] Just to see how he dealt with that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:43] And not a different Hemsworth brother.

[1:06:49] You know, man.

[1:06:51] I'm blanking.

[1:06:54] I would say, I would put Luke's, our all-known lightning god, and he's both a cheap fucking

[1:07:01] man.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:04] But just because he's like, I'm a swan now, do me.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:06] Yeah, or like...

[1:07:07] I'm a summer rain, do me.

[1:07:09] I'm a shower of gold.

[1:07:11] I would put it in Dan McCoy's body.

[1:07:13] Done.

[1:07:13] I guess technically I qualify.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:20] Dang, as Stuart and I are in Snatchers.

[1:07:22] A low-budget comedy.

[1:07:24] Movie that hasn't been released?

[1:07:25] Yeah, a movie that hasn't been released.

[1:07:27] So look for that on, I guess, probably some streaming platform at some point.

[1:07:33] Great question.

[1:07:33] Next question.

S8

[1:07:35] Hi, Aaron, last name with help.

[1:07:37] Hello.

[1:07:37] How the dark universe has been successfully?

[1:07:42] I think it's time to move on to other platforms.

[1:07:45] Have such a great musical writing.

[1:07:47] What kind of dark universe musical?

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:50] Oh, boy.

[1:07:53] Here's the thing.

[1:07:54] Young Frankenstein was on Broadway.

[1:07:56] Didn't really use Frankenstein in music the way I wanted to.

[1:08:00] Too many jokes.

[1:08:02] So here's what I want to do.

[1:08:03] It's going to be real serious.

[1:08:07] Real dark.

[1:08:08] But I want to open it up to the great movies.

[1:08:11] Well, so like Dracula, Teenie Todd, someone from Into the Woods, I don't know.

[1:08:18] Aaron Burr.

[1:08:20] Who's the bad guy in Rent?

[1:08:22] The landlord, I guess.

[1:08:24] And I guess the head of the Russians in Fiddler on the Roof.

[1:08:29] And I guess, yeah, throw the mommy in there.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:32] The bad guy in Rent is the idea of having to pay for something.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:36] Oh, so it's a libertarian thing.

[1:08:37] Okay, yeah.

[1:08:40] So anyway, you're trying to get me to sing a song.

[1:08:45] And I want to so badly that I can see how mad it would make Dan.

[1:08:51] So I'll tell you what, I'm going to work on it.

[1:08:53] Send a letter in to the Flophouse.

[1:08:55] Remind me.

[1:08:56] Get on.

S8

[1:08:57] Oh, wow.

[1:08:58] The tease.

[1:08:59] Elliot's handing out homework.

[1:09:05] Hi, David.

[1:09:06] Last name was held.

[1:09:07] Hello.

[1:09:08] So, Dark Universe being dead.

[1:09:12] Tom Cruise being killed.

[1:09:14] It's cool because he hasn't done that for him.

[1:09:16] And not since Mario Brothers.

[1:09:22] The point of the series isn't going to continue.

[1:09:24] Oh, man.

[1:09:24] That was such a tease.

[1:09:25] So, what is a setup for a sequel that's never happened?

Dan McCoy

[1:09:33] Well, I mean, Remo Williams' The Adventure Begins.

[1:09:36] The Adventure never continued.

[1:09:39] It just sort of stopped.

[1:09:41] It began and then immediately stopped a second later.

[1:09:44] Dan's looking at me like I had something to do with it.

[1:09:48] I mean, also, Buckaroo Banzai versus the World Crime League never came about.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:53] I mean, I'm genuinely disappointed.

[1:09:58] I like the first one a lot.

[1:10:01] I know it didn't make money.

[1:10:03] Okay.

[1:10:04] Chill out.

[1:10:06] But, no, I thought it was fun.

[1:10:07] They put a lot of work in the crime.

[1:10:09] That Taylor Kitsch, you know, I think this needs the right role.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:15] Obviously, it's Gambit, right?

[1:10:16] It's Gambit.

[1:10:16] Everyone's favorite character, Gambit.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:18] I thought Channing Tatum was going to be.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:21] Taylor, you played Gambit in that terrible movie, right?

[1:10:23] The one we watched for the show that we do?

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:25] Yeah.

[1:10:25] Right, right, yeah.

[1:10:26] Yeah.

[1:10:27] The movie that somehow spun off Deadpool,

[1:10:30] even though Deadpool's the worst character in that movie,

[1:10:33] because he can't talk.

[1:10:36] Guess what I'm saying is, Deadpool, I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:40] That's your answer to the question?

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:42] No.

[1:10:43] Let's see.

[1:10:45] Well, when I was a kid,

[1:10:46] there were a lot of rumors about a second place.

[1:10:48] And they kept saying that it was going to be called,

[1:10:51] these are what kids around the play yard were telling me.

[1:10:53] They weren't telling me that cover boards are real.

[1:10:55] Parents just don't want them on the market.

[1:10:58] Yeah.

[1:10:59] Or if you beat Mike Tyson and Mike Tyson's punch out in a specific way,

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:03] you'll fight a guy named Ray Rashman.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:05] Rashy.

[1:11:06] Yeah.

[1:11:07] So these are very regional specific ones, I guess.

[1:11:09] Yeah.

[1:11:10] But I was told there's going to be a Spaceballs parody.

[1:11:12] It's going to be called Spaceballs 3,

[1:11:13] the search for Spaceballs 2.

[1:11:15] And I'm like,

[1:11:16] and I don't know who came up with that joke somewhere in playground land,

[1:11:19] but that's a funny idea for the name of a sequel.

[1:11:21] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:11:23] So I was disappointed as a kid that that never happened.

[1:11:25] All right, sounds good.

[1:11:29] Hi.

[1:11:30] Hello.

[1:11:31] Hello.

S9

[1:11:31] Catherine, last name was held.

[1:11:34] My question comes with a small gift.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:36] Oh.

[1:11:36] Our favorite kind,

[1:11:37] because we're not from here and we have to travel afterwards.

S9

[1:11:39] I thought about that, yeah.

[1:11:42] This is Karate Dog, a DVD.

[1:11:44] Oh, yes, Karate Dog.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:45] I'm going to come over and take Karate Dog.

[1:11:46] Featuring the voice of Chevy Chase.

[1:11:47] I know.

[1:11:48] Thank you, yes.

[1:11:50] This is a movie I've only seen the ending of.

S9

[1:11:53] Now you get the whole movie.

[1:11:55] Oh, fantastic.

[1:11:56] And I picked this up in a grocery store.

[1:11:58] Oh, Jon Voight's in this.

[1:12:01] Seal of Quality.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:03] Oh, man, look at his hair.

[1:12:08] Doctor Doolittle meets Enter the Dragon.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:12] Okay, well, my brain cannot comprehend that.

[1:12:15] They finally met.

[1:12:17] So, thank you very much.

[1:12:18] Do you have a question also or a story?

S9

[1:12:20] I do, yes.

[1:12:21] I was curious, what are your favorite good, good, and good, bad dog movies?

[1:12:26] Oh.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:29] Ooh.

[1:12:29] Good, bad.

[1:12:30] I remember, I just vaguely remember from, like, being a child that on HBO, Oh, Heavenly Dog

[1:12:37] was on all the time.

[1:12:38] Okay.

[1:12:39] Where Chevy Chase died and came back as a dog.

[1:12:42] And I believe had to solve perhaps his own murder?

[1:12:45] I don't know.

[1:12:47] I don't know.

[1:12:47] There's no possible way of finding out what, it's been lost to time, the plot of Oh, Heavenly

[1:12:53] Dog.

[1:12:54] But.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:54] I liked All Dogs Go to Heaven.

[1:12:56] Yeah.

[1:12:56] That's a dog movie.

[1:12:57] They didn't, there's a dog hell in that movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:01] Anyway, my favorite good, good movie about a dog, I guess, would be Umberto D, the Italian

[1:13:05] neorealist classic about a poor man and his dog.

[1:13:09] I guess my favorite, I don't actually, I don't know.

[1:13:11] I know as a kid, I know because it was on HBO all the time, but I saw Wanton Tom, the

[1:13:16] dog, but I don't remember it at all.

[1:13:20] So, maybe that, I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:22] I think, let's do two more.

[1:13:25] And I really apologize for everyone else who's in the line, but we do have a time that we're

[1:13:29] supposed to be out here.

[1:13:30] What if it's super fast?

[1:13:31] What if it's super fast?

[1:13:31] No, we don't have time.

[1:13:33] But I promise you that if you come down afterwards, while we're signing things, that we will answer

[1:13:38] questions if you have good questions.

[1:13:40] But, uh...

[1:13:41] If you have bad questions, we'll, you know, laugh at you.

[1:13:44] If you have bad questions, get out of here.

[1:13:47] Sorry, sorry so much.

[1:13:49] Um, anyway.

S7

[1:13:51] Uh, Connor, uh, last name.

[1:13:52] I'll make a trick.

[1:13:54] Again, uh, on the podcast, this is the detail of your movie collection, uh, over and over again,

[1:13:59] and reorganizing that.

[1:14:00] But I was wondering, for the rest of you guys, uh, what's your most, like, prized, uh, movie

[1:14:06] or something?

[1:14:09] Not to steal it, or anything like that.

[1:14:11] Don't worry.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:13] I just, no, I have a pretty good idea of what you were going to say.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:15] Oh, well, you know what my most prized movie memorabilia is.

[1:14:18] It's a DVD.

[1:14:19] My Gertie the Dinosaur drawing, which listener Michael Waite arranged for me to receive.

[1:14:26] I am truly thankful for it every day, and I hung it up on my wall in a nice blue frame.

[1:14:29] I look at it every day.

[1:14:30] It's fire.

[1:14:31] An original drawing from Gertie the Dinosaur.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:33] And I know I was excluded from this question, because of reasons unknown.

[1:14:37] But, uh...

[1:14:38] I have a couple of signed DVDs.

[1:14:41] Like, uh, Andrew Serkis signed my two towers, and, uh, Terry Jones...

[1:14:44] Whoa!

[1:14:44] Terry Jones signed...

[1:14:46] Terry Jones signed my, uh, Life of Ryan DVD, so those are nice movie things.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:54] And I have a promotional still.

[1:14:57] Hmm.

[1:14:58] All the insult.

[1:15:05] Now, this piece of movie art has been autographed by star Jonathan.

[1:15:10] And in his words on the piece of memorabilia, it reads, I ripped it off myself.

[1:15:18] Referring to his penis.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:27] Oh, ding dong, specifically.

[1:15:31] Last question.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:33] Uh, okay.

[1:15:34] So, Stu.

[1:15:35] Um...

[1:15:36] Yes?

[1:15:37] You...

[1:15:38] You...

[1:15:38] Guilty.

[1:15:38] You...

[1:15:39] Yeah.

[1:15:40] Uh...

[1:15:40] Good.

[1:15:40] Uh...

Dan McCoy

[1:15:41] Erica, last name, help.

[1:15:43] Um...

[1:15:44] You had an anxiety dream about weird people coming into the bar when you're trying to close

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:49] it and get behind the bar and take all your alcohol?

[1:15:51] Uh-huh.

[1:15:52] It was basically the plot of the movie Mother.

[1:15:54] Actually, it was the...

[1:15:55] Uh...

[1:15:56] Actually, it was the plot of, um...

[1:16:00] The Arthur segment of the Star Wars, uh, Holiday Special.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:03] Oh, no.

[1:16:06] Oh, no.

[1:16:08] So, your nightmare is to be Bea Arthur.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:11] What...

[1:16:12] What Holiday Specials give the other...

[1:16:13] Uh, the rest of you nightmares?

[1:16:15] And, uh, also, I have...

Dan McCoy

[1:16:16] I have something for Elliot that I think...

[1:16:18] Yeah, I'll be honest...

[1:16:20] I'll be honest that, uh, the reason that I said two more questions is I saw that this question

[1:16:25] answer had a glowing cube.

[1:16:28] And I was like...

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:30] Seems like a cosmic cube of some kind.

[1:16:33] I'll keep it very safe, by which I mean I will give it to the person Thanos is...

[1:16:38] Most likely to go to...

[1:16:39] To get it.

[1:16:40] Thank you very much.

[1:16:44] No, but that...

[1:16:45] Yeah, that's...

[1:16:45] Yeah.

[1:16:47] I will not give it to Sue, because he is the Tom Bombadil of the group.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:50] There's a...

[1:16:51] So...

[1:16:53] There's a...

[1:16:54] There's a...

[1:16:56] Christmas, uh, special called...

[1:16:59] Is this the claymation one?

[1:16:59] There's a Christmas...

[1:17:00] No, there's a Christmas special called Noel, which is about, uh...

[1:17:04] Christmas.

[1:17:06] This glass blower has a tear of joy when he blows this glass, uh, ornament.

[1:17:13] And so Noel is this glass ornament, and he keeps going, I've got a happiness in me!

[1:17:19] Despite the fact that in the course of this, uh, this special, he gets put up in the attic

[1:17:26] year after year, only comes out once a year and gets to have joy once a year.

[1:17:31] Eventually the owners of him die, and he lives in a broken-down decrepit house, and then finally

[1:17:39] the new owners come and find him, and he immediately shatters.

[1:17:43] And he falls off the...

[1:17:45] I mean, they try and make it a happy ending by...

[1:17:48] The happiness within him is then loosed out, and he can finally see Jesus in the manger,

[1:17:54] which he had an obstructive view of before.

[1:17:57] I see.

[1:17:58] And so it's a very highly religious, uh...

[1:18:03] Oh, yeah, that's all in the Bible.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:04] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:07] Sorry, I fumbled over the story of that, but it was just so baffling.

[1:18:10] I don't know if there's a way to tell that story without fumbling.

[1:18:13] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:14] Mine, it would...

[1:18:15] I guess there was that claymation...

[1:18:16] I only have scattered memories of...

[1:18:19] And I just remember...

[1:18:21] It was a dinosaur Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert, basically.

[1:18:24] Yeah, yeah, and they were like guys with bells for heads.

[1:18:27] Yeah.

[1:18:27] Like, what are they called?

[1:18:28] Bell songs?

[1:18:29] Yeah, carol the bells.

[1:18:29] And I just remember being...

[1:18:31] A Jewish boy being like...

[1:18:33] But apparently I don't.

[1:18:39] It made me feel so alone in the universe.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:42] All right, so I guess that's the end of the show.

[1:18:46] Thank you all for coming.

[1:18:48] Wait a big...

[1:18:49] No, it's a big finish.

[1:18:50] Yeah, big finish.

[1:18:50] Big finish.

[1:18:51] We're going to be at a bar, the name of which I've forgotten.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:56] College Inn.

[1:18:56] Anyone remember?

[1:18:59] Yeah.

[1:19:00] College Inn Pub.

[1:19:01] It's a pub, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:02] But before that, we're going to be downstairs or wherever the merch is.

[1:19:05] I can't remember.

[1:19:05] It's over that way, in the hallway, Dan.

[1:19:08] I didn't deal with the merch.

[1:19:09] I was in here making sure that the slideshows kind of worked.

[1:19:12] But thank you all so much for coming.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:16] This is the part of the show where it's like the end of a family holiday where all the grievances come out.

S5

[1:19:22] You wouldn't pay for my school, but you'd pay for his school.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:27] Thank you for coming.

[1:19:28] Thanks to the Neptune Theater for being so nice to us.

[1:19:31] Thanks, Seattle.

[1:19:33] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:19:36] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:37] I'm still Elliot Kalin.

[1:19:39] Thank you, everybody.

[1:19:40] Good night.

[1:19:41] Good night.

[1:19:48] On this episode of the show...

Dan McCoy

[1:19:58] Oh, that's not how I do it.

[1:19:59] No?

[1:20:00] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:01] Re-rack it.

[1:20:02] Take two.

[1:20:03] No more fooling around, guys.

[1:20:05] I'm going to call that an unforced error.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:10] Maximumfun.org.

[1:20:11] Comedy and culture.

[1:20:13] Artists don't.

[1:20:13] Audience supported.

Ep. #283 - The Mummy LIVE

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