Ep. #284 - Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindlewald

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode of the podcast, we discuss Fantastic Beasts, The Crimes of Grindelwald.

Elliott Kalan

[0:06] Ooh, that dastardly Grindelwald. I hate that Grindelwald. Dan, what's a Grindelwald?

[0:30] Hey, everybody, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:41] Oh, hey, everybody. Welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:45] And here's Elliot Kalin coming through the homestretch. Dan, you sound a little down. What's wrong?

Dan McCoy

[0:51] Do you want to know why I've got this sexy, gritty voice this time around?

Stuart Wellington

[0:55] It sounds the same as normal.

[0:56] This gritty, sexy voice.

[0:59] Why do you keep saying gritty?

Dan McCoy

[1:01] Because I love the Phillies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04] I mean, let's all be clear. Gritty is the sexiest of the mascots, but it's because of his attitude,

Stuart Wellington

[1:09] because he doesn't care if you think he's sexy or not.

[1:11] His anarcho-anti-fascist attitude.

Dan McCoy

[1:13] My great voice right now is a combination of blowing it out, singing karaoke yesterday,

[1:19] and coughing so hard I puked just minutes before.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23] Oh, man. You've got to take care of your pipes, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27] Yeah.

[1:27] Here's the thing.

[1:28] You just puked.

[1:28] Those are my money makers.

[1:30] Here's a peek into how Dan tells me things.

[1:33] Right before we start recording, Dan's like, oh, I've been feeling really sick for a few

[1:37] days, and I coughed so hard I almost threw up, so I'm feeling kind of out of it.

[1:40] I'm like, oh, that's too bad.

[1:42] Only now am I learning that he was out singing karaoke all night last night.

[1:45] Maybe nothing to do when you're sick.

Dan McCoy

[1:47] No, you've added, you extrapolated beyond what I said.

[1:52] I just said I was coughing so hard I threw up.

[1:55] I've had this cough for quite some time.

[1:57] No, no, no.

[1:57] It's not related to any cold that I have.

Elliott Kalan

[1:59] Oh, okay.

[2:00] Maybe the karaoke is not the best thing to do with the cough, then.

[2:04] Maybe rest those pipes, like you were saying.

Stuart Wellington

[2:06] Dan's preparing for this role as Doc Holliday in a stage production of Tombstone.

[2:11] Yeah.

[2:11] And he's Method, so he's getting way into it.

Dan McCoy

[2:14] Yeah, I've got consumption, guys.

Stuart Wellington

[2:16] I'm your Huckleberry.

Elliott Kalan

[2:19] Skin that smoke wagon.

[2:21] Let's skin our smoke wagons.

[2:22] Everybody get your smoke wagon skinned.

[2:25] Tombstone.

Stuart Wellington

[2:26] Yeah, that's a great dance number there.

Elliott Kalan

[2:29] Misinterpreted by a lot of people, though.

[2:31] Yeah, very easy to understand.

[2:34] So the show starts, it's a bare stage, and then a single spotlight on Doc Holliday, and

[2:38] he just looks at the audience.

[2:39] He lifts up and he goes, I'll tell you a tale of a stone, a very particular stone, a

[2:46] stone far from home called Tombstone.

[2:50] And that's when the audience goes, oh.

[2:53] Like, they finally get it.

Stuart Wellington

[2:53] And then, like, a sun rises over the stage, a giant tombstone shows up, and then starts

[2:58] dancing.

[2:59] Yeah, exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[3:00] And that's when the Earp brothers show up, and they're like, Earpity Earp, we're the Earps.

[3:04] Earpity Earp, burp, burp.

[3:07] Oh, wow.

Dan McCoy

[3:07] Still sounds better than Manhattan Melody by the Muppets, as far as I'm concerned.

Elliott Kalan

[3:12] Dan, we watched that episode.

[3:13] We watched the Muppets sing Manhattan with my son, and he loved it.

[3:16] He was eating up that terrible musical that they do.

Dan McCoy

[3:18] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[3:20] Also, wait.

[3:21] Did he ask if you guys could go see that next time you guys go to Broadway?

Elliott Kalan

[3:25] No, no.

[3:25] He really wants to see what the Constitution means to me.

[3:31] Sam, he just can't stop talking about it.

[3:34] I think ever since we got the cast album for what the Constitution means to me, he just wants

[3:38] to hear it all the time.

[3:39] Uh-huh.

Dan McCoy

[3:42] What do we do on this podcast?

[3:43] I'll answer that.

[3:44] Uh-huh.

[3:45] Cool.

[3:45] It's a podcast where we watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it.

[3:48] And this time, we watched Fantastic Beasts, The Crimes of Grundlebutt.

Stuart Wellington

[3:54] Oh, man.

[3:55] I thought you were going to do it normal style, but you threw a little curveball at the end.

[3:59] He really grindled that walled.

Dan McCoy

[4:01] This is part of the Fantastic Beasts-averse.

[4:03] Well, I mean, technically, it's the Harry Potter-

[4:05] Itself is part of the Harry Potter-averse.

Elliott Kalan

[4:07] It's the wizarding world is what it's called.

[4:09] Uh-huh.

[4:09] Yeah.

[4:10] And so, the wizard-

[4:11] Now, guys, I'm going to admit something here.

[4:13] I'm not super familiar with the Harry Potter world.

[4:16] I saw the first movie and the fifth movie, and I did not see the first-

[4:20] Best way to do it.

[4:22] It's called Machete Style.

Stuart Wellington

[4:23] So, you're admitting to be a little bit of a can't spell, a little bit of a nomad.

Elliott Kalan

[4:29] I mean, I think it is funny that this movie is the first time I heard can't spell as a

[4:34] slur for humans, and I thought it was hilarious.

[4:36] Yeah, it was kind of great.

[4:37] It's like, the muggles, the nomadges, the can't spells.

[4:41] And it's like, well, we can spell.

[4:43] I mean, it's not a matter of, like, I can't spell things.

Stuart Wellington

[4:46] I mean, based on the way a lot of their words are spelled, I think we're doing better than

[4:50] them.

Elliott Kalan

[4:50] Yeah.

[4:51] But, uh, so I'm going to try to do- I want to promise this- I'm going to make this promise

[4:54] to you guys.

[4:55] I'm going to make it to the audience.

[4:56] I'm going to try not to do the thing where I assume the movie is being obtuse just because

[5:02] I haven't seen the other movies and don't know the terminology or whatever, like, and don't

[5:07] know the characters.

[5:07] It's like, I went to see a little movie called Avengers Endgame, and-

[5:11] Yeah, you're going to shut the fuck up about it.

[5:12] And I won't say anything about it except that I really enjoyed it.

[5:16] But, uh, I will say that in that, I was like, I feel like with the Avengers movies we are

[5:21] past the point where people can say, ugh, it doesn't really stand alone as its own movie.

[5:25] If you haven't seen the other ones, you don't understand.

[5:27] Because that one is so explicitly the end point of a 20-some-odd movie series.

[5:32] So I'm going to say Crimes of Grindelwald, I'm going to treat you the same way.

[5:35] If I don't understand what's going on in the movie, that's sometimes my fault for not seeing

[5:39] the other movies.

[5:40] Because there's lots of stuff in this movie that didn't make sense that seems to have

[5:44] just sprung out of the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[5:45] Yeah, and I think- I think Dan and I are both a little more familiar.

[5:48] Yeah.

[5:48] I've definitely read all the books and seen all the movies.

Dan McCoy

[5:51] Yeah, I've also read all the books and seen all the movies, including the first Fantastic

[5:56] Beast.

[5:56] And I think we both agree.

Stuart Wellington

[5:57] And I've also seen the stage play.

[5:59] Oh, wow.

[6:00] Hashtag keep the stage.

Dan McCoy

[6:00] Okay, I mean, this isn't a contest, but sure, you win.

Stuart Wellington

[6:03] And I know a person who went to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Florida.

Dan McCoy

[6:09] Great.

[6:10] I mean, I know someone named Harry.

Elliott Kalan

[6:12] Uh-huh.

Dan McCoy

[6:14] We both agree that this movie made very little sense.

Elliott Kalan

[6:18] Okay, that's good to know.

[6:20] So should we talk about what this movie is and try to puzzle out what exactly the crimes

[6:24] of Grindelwald are?

Stuart Wellington

[6:25] So this is the second movie in a prequel series that follows, what, eight movies?

Elliott Kalan

[6:31] There were eight- yeah, eight Harry Potter movies.

[6:34] Those are set in modern day.

[6:36] And then these are set in the Roaring Twenties.

[6:38] That's right.

[6:39] Which you should love, right?

[6:41] Because you like old-timey bullshit.

[6:42] Okay, guys.

[6:43] Let's just start before I even get into the movie.

[6:44] Here's one thing I'm going to say right off the bat.

[6:46] Do I love old-timey bullshit?

[6:48] You know I do.

[6:49] I love the past.

[6:51] Fantastic pasts.

[6:52] And where to find them in the past, where they exist.

[6:55] That's what I love.

[6:56] Here's the thing.

[6:57] Movie makers.

[6:59] I'm just going to lay a secret on you.

[7:00] They had more colors in the past than sepia brown and kind of a murky green brown.

[7:08] Yeah.

[7:09] And gray.

Dan McCoy

[7:10] A gunmetal sort of color.

Elliott Kalan

[7:13] Everything in the- like so many movies now that are set in the past.

[7:16] And I mean this goes back 20 years now.

[7:18] So many movies set in the past.

[7:20] They're like the photographs from the past are all sepia and black and white.

[7:23] I guess that's just what it looked like back then.

[7:26] Like they- their- do you remember the comic strip where Calvin's dad tells him that the

[7:30] past was in black and white and that's why old pictures are in black and white but in

[7:34] the 60s-

Dan McCoy

[7:34] Elliot, do I remember a specific Calvin and Hobbes comic?

[7:39] I think you know the answer is yes.

Elliott Kalan

[7:40] Yeah.

[7:41] So that's- I feel like that was their dad.

[7:43] And they're like in the past they didn't have as many colors.

[7:46] And then in 1968 they invented colors.

[7:48] That's not the way it was, guys.

[7:50] The color red existed back then.

[7:51] Bright blues and yellows existed.

[7:53] So next time you're making a movie set in the past, Hollywood, color it up.

[7:57] Come on.

[7:58] Don't be afraid of- taste the rainbow.

[8:00] You know?

[8:00] Skittles everywhere.

Stuart Wellington

[8:01] Sure.

[8:02] She'll save that for the sponsor section but that's okay.

Elliott Kalan

[8:05] Okay.

[8:06] So the movie is set in 1927.

[8:08] That's right.

[8:08] Only two years before the Great Depression begins.

[8:11] So everyone's still having a great time.

[8:13] They have no idea.

[8:15] Yeah.

[8:15] And we're at like- we're in the American Magic Ministry's dungeon prison where Grindelwald,

[8:22] who's kind of like a magic old man, he's stuck in a cell with a little creature and the Americans

[8:27] are handing him over to the British for punishment for his crimes.

[8:30] The aforementioned crimes of Grindelwald, which are not delineated here.

[8:33] It seems like things are pretty- there's no paperwork.

[8:36] Like things are pretty cash between-

[8:38] In prisoner handovers between America and Britain.

Dan McCoy

[8:40] He actually just sawed off a bunch of parking meters like in the beginning of Cool Hand

[8:45] Luke.

Elliott Kalan

[8:45] Oh yeah, like in Cool Hand Grindelwald.

[8:47] Yeah, yeah.

[8:48] Yeah, sure.

[8:48] That this is a remake of.

[8:50] And he goes, what we have here is a failure to communicados.

[8:54] And then a bunch of eggs flying to people's mouths.

Stuart Wellington

[8:59] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[9:04] They're like, I bet you can't eat all these eggs.

[9:07] Ovos, consumo!

[9:08] And then he just-

[9:10] Oh man, what other movies would be made so much more fun if the characters could just use spells?

[9:17] Is it- is it- if it was- it would really- it would take some of the-

Stuart Wellington

[9:20] Certainly Kramer versus Kramer would be more interesting.

Elliott Kalan

[9:24] Podium!

[9:25] It would be a wizarding jewel.

[9:27] Yeah.

[9:29] I mean, Kramer versus Kramer is probably the least of the kaiju movies when you think about it.

[9:34] Like right down there with Godzilla versus Megalon is Kramer versus Kramer.

[9:38] I'm just-

Dan McCoy

[9:38] Justin Hoffman is slightly less than normal size.

[9:41] I mean, come on.

Stuart Wellington

[9:42] And I'm- and I'm kind of sick of those giant monster movies when it's just two of the same monster.

[9:47] Yeah, yeah.

[9:47] We already got one Kramer.

[9:49] We don't need a second Kramer.

Elliott Kalan

[9:50] Well, what if it was Kramer from Seinfeld versus Meryl Streep from Kramer versus Kramer?

[9:55] Oh man.

Stuart Wellington

[9:56] It's going to be a bloodbath.

Elliott Kalan

[9:57] Although, to be honest, two Kramers from Seinfeld versus each other, they're perfectly matched.

[10:02] What would happen?

[10:03] Yeah.

[10:04] Okay, so they also- they mentioned that they removed Grindelwald's tongue to keep him from sweet-talking the guards to let him out.

[10:13] This is something that doesn't seem to go- like his- anyway.

[10:16] He escapes.

[10:17] Somebody comes and helps him escape.

[10:19] There's lots of crazy magic.

[10:20] There's an aerial chase involving a horse and carriage, but the horses have big bat wings.

[10:25] And I have to admit, guys, I could not follow what was happening in this scene.

Dan McCoy

[10:29] No, I had no idea what the fuck was happening.

Elliott Kalan

[10:31] It was just like explosion, magic, magic.

Stuart Wellington

[10:34] For an action sequence that's incredibly complicated and not organized very well, they also don't really- they assume that you know everything about this situation already.

[10:47] Like, it feels like going into this movie, they assumed you had just finished watching the first Fantastic Beasts, maybe gone out to the bathroom, come back, refreshed your snacks, and then started this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[10:59] Well, they assumed that you went to see the Fantastic Beasts marathon that was playing at AMC to set you up for this.

[11:04] It's just one movie, so it actually wasn't that bad a marathon, Cynthia.

Dan McCoy

[11:08] But there's a kid that has like a necklace in his mouth, I guess, and I think that has something to do with Grindelwald getting his voice back, but I have no idea.

[11:14] It's not explained.

Elliott Kalan

[11:15] No, it's so- this kid shows up-

Stuart Wellington

[11:17] No, that necklace is something else entirely.

[11:19] Oh, is it?

[11:20] And they did a body swap, too.

[11:22] They did a face-off thing.

[11:23] Yeah.

[11:23] It turns out in the carriage-

[11:24] Where the one guy's got a snake tongue.

Elliott Kalan

[11:25] The carriage is actually some other dude who works for Grindelwald, and Grindelwald suddenly is driving the carriage, and he fills the carriage with water, and then he's shooting magic everywhere.

[11:35] And- but it's one of those things where it's like- so if Grindelwald was not in the carriage, why- what is he doing?

[11:40] Why- so he's breaking out a guy who looks like Grindelwald?

[11:43] I don't understand.

[11:44] It does- anyway, I don't know- I don't know what's going on.

[11:46] Stuart, explain.

Stuart Wellington

[11:47] I mean, I think he needed to get that charm back from the guy.

[11:51] I think a different guy had the charm he needed, and I guess he just wanted that really cool carriage.

[11:56] And he also wanted the guy he body swapped with that I think lost his tongue.

[12:00] I mean, his tongue's just split in half.

[12:02] I mean, you can get that done at a- like a tattoo parlor.

[12:05] Oh, yeah.

[12:05] I mean, there are people who do that on purpose.

[12:06] You don't need to use magic or nothing.

[12:09] So, yeah, I mean, it's just very complicated, and it didn't bode well for the rest of the movie,

[12:16] at least for me.

Elliott Kalan

[12:17] No, and also I was disappointed that Grindelwald, because I guess he's been kind of in jail possibly for a while,

[12:22] he has a long beard and long hair, and he looks like a homeless wizard.

[12:27] And then he-

Stuart Wellington

[12:28] He kind of looked like that at the end of the first movie when Colin Farrell morphed into him.

Elliott Kalan

[12:33] Oh, okay.

[12:34] But then later on when we see him, he's had a haircut and a beard trim,

[12:38] and now he just looks like he has a mustache and hair made of frosting, like he's an ice cream mascot that went bad at some point.

[12:45] Yeah.

[12:46] Very disappointing.

[12:47] Okay, so, Grindelwald has escaped.

[12:49] Oh, no.

[12:50] Oh, no.

[12:51] Grindelwald, committer of the aforementioned not truly defined crimes that we don't know what they are.

[12:57] We cut to London three months later, and here's our hero, Newt Scamander, played by Eddie Redmayne,

[13:04] and he's at the British Ministry.

[13:05] Known for his Redmayne.

Stuart Wellington

[13:06] Now, Eddie Redmayne could be a wizard, right?

[13:09] That's a wizard name.

Elliott Kalan

[13:10] It's a better wizard name than Newt Scamander, which is-

[13:13] His name is Newt.

[13:14] Up for debate.

[13:15] His name is Scamander.

[13:17] He's talking about salamanders all throughout the movie.

[13:19] His brother's name, Theseus.

[13:21] So, it feels like the parents were really tipping the scales when they're like,

[13:25] Ah, our eldest, Theseus.

[13:27] You shall be a great wizard.

[13:29] Here comes Newt.

[13:30] Oh, boy.

[13:32] Yeah.

[13:32] Like when your parents name you Jeeves, you're going to be a butler.

[13:37] If they name you Theseus, you'll be a hero of some kind.

[13:39] They name you Newt, you're going to be like a stuttering, irritating, kind of cold, weird guy.

Stuart Wellington

[13:44] I mean, most likely what you're going to do is you're going to hang out with Ripley and kill an alien.

Dan McCoy

[13:48] Yeah, I was going to say, I've got a place in my heart for only one fictional Newt, and that's from aliens.

Elliott Kalan

[13:54] Mine is the Newt that John Cleese said he got turned into in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

[13:58] That's a good Newt.

[13:59] But fair, they're both better Newts.

Stuart Wellington

[14:00] Yeah, you've built up quite a backstory for this Newt.

Elliott Kalan

[14:03] Now, here's the thing.

[14:04] Maybe in the first movie, which I didn't see again, Newt Scamander was like a really charismatic,

[14:08] eccentric, like somebody who had a lot of charm, but also played by his own rules, so he was kind of cool.

[14:14] Because then here he comes off as a real creep.

Stuart Wellington

[14:17] Yeah, I mean, he's a socially awkward guy, and I guess there's space for that.

[14:22] I think it's interesting that you choose a socially awkward character who doesn't, you know,

[14:27] has trouble fitting in as your hero.

[14:30] But, and I don't think I'll ever say this about any movie ever again, they cast him next to Dan Fogler,

[14:37] who should have been the hero of that movie.

[14:40] Like, Dan Fogler is much more interesting and fun to watch.

[14:45] I think at times he has more screen time.

Elliott Kalan

[14:48] Like, Eddie Redmayne is supposed to be the hero of the movie, and yet he's actually not in that.

[14:53] It feels like he disappears from the movie for large periods of time.

Dan McCoy

[14:56] Well, I think the point of, to defend the idea behind Newt Scamander,

[15:02] Oh no, I understand the idea.

[15:05] Because he's an exception.

Elliott Kalan

[15:06] No, I'm just, for the audience.

[15:07] Okay, explain to the audience.

[15:08] Let me explain.

Dan McCoy

[15:09] I think the notion is, he's this awkward guy,

[15:12] he's an extreme pacifist,

[15:15] who only cares about his special animals.

[15:19] His menagerie of three beasts.

[15:21] His menagerie of animals,

[15:21] and so he doesn't want to, like,

[15:23] take any side in anything that's going on,

[15:26] and he's this character who is forced to then

[15:28] step up and overcome this kind of diffidence.

[15:31] Yeah.

[15:31] And, like,

[15:32] Engage with the world.

[15:33] Engage with the world.

[15:34] But they make him so, like,

[15:36] retiring that he disappears off the screen.

Elliott Kalan

[15:38] Yeah, I mean, in some ways,

[15:40] he seems like a bad doctor from a bad couple seasons of Doctor Who,

[15:44] where it's like,

[15:45] oh, here's this kind of strange eccentric

[15:47] who is very powerful,

[15:49] but does things for his own reasons,

[15:51] and is reluctant to, like,

[15:52] play the hero,

[15:53] but gets thrown in the role.

[15:55] And it's like,

[15:56] but he's so,

[15:57] yeah, he just is so non-existent

[16:00] as a personality.

[16:01] And he talks like this,

Dan McCoy

[16:03] oh,

[16:03] fantastic beast.

Elliott Kalan

[16:08] Like, so much of the movie is where it's like,

[16:10] ah, what's that thing?

[16:11] Oh, that's a glisk and lisk.

[16:13] It's a type of animal.

[16:14] Just turn on captions.

[16:17] Eddie Redmayne, I can't...

Stuart Wellington

[16:18] Yeah, we think the movie should have a little sign that's like,

[16:20] turn on the captions now.

Elliott Kalan

[16:21] Oh, I turned the captions on real early for this movie.

[16:25] But he's,

[16:25] so there's some flaws in him as a character.

Stuart Wellington

[16:27] There's a good way to do that character.

[16:29] And there's...

[16:29] It is weird that in the captions,

[16:31] they spell Nomadge with a J instead of a G.

[16:36] I think because then it looks like it says Nomag.

[16:38] Yeah, but...

[16:39] Yeah, but I don't know.

[16:41] I guess magic if Clive Barker's spelling is a J.

[16:43] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[16:44] Clive Barker did a punch-up on the subtitles on this.

[16:47] Yeah.

[16:50] Yeah.

[16:50] Suddenly it's about a midnight meat train?

[16:52] I don't understand.

[16:54] There's a reason that,

[16:55] for no reason at all,

[16:56] there's a scene where a character

[16:57] wakes up to find that another character

[17:00] has entered them in the night

[17:01] and they're very happy about it.

[17:03] Yeah.

[17:04] Which was, I think,

[17:05] the scene that I got to

[17:06] while I was reading Imagica

[17:07] where I was like,

[17:08] okay,

[17:08] I'm going to close this book now

[17:09] and just going to set it aside.

[17:12] Bye.

[17:15] I'll say,

[17:16] there's the reluctant hero.

[17:17] It's a real great trope.

[17:18] One of my favorite heroes of all time.

[17:21] You'd have guessed it.

[17:21] Adam Warlock is a reluctant hero.

[17:23] He's the best.

[17:24] Yeah.

[17:24] There's good ways to do it.

[17:25] Okay, so,

[17:26] Eddie Redmayne,

[17:27] Newt Scamander.

[17:27] He's at the British Ministry.

[17:29] He's got this little kind of

[17:30] mini Groot plant man named Pickett

[17:31] and he's also got like

[17:33] a little platypus dude

[17:34] whose name I don't remember

[17:35] and there's little hench beasts.

[17:37] The rest of his beasts

[17:38] he keeps inside of a magic suitcase.

Stuart Wellington

[17:40] Which is,

[17:41] which is like,

[17:42] as my wife put it,

[17:43] one of the like

[17:44] coolest magic things.

[17:45] The idea that you have like

[17:47] a suitcase you carry around with you

[17:49] that's full of like

[17:50] a house and monsters and stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[17:52] Yeah.

[17:52] It's,

[17:53] I mean,

[17:53] it's,

[17:53] it reminds me of a,

[17:55] I think something Peter Gabriel

[17:56] used to do in concert

[17:57] when he was performing Sledgehammer.

[17:58] He came to a big suitcase.

[18:00] What?

Dan McCoy

[18:00] Sorry,

[18:01] he'd disappear into a suitcase.

[18:03] Well,

[18:03] no,

[18:03] he would,

Elliott Kalan

[18:03] he would,

[18:04] the way it was described to me

[18:05] is he would take a suitcase

[18:05] and put it on the,

[18:06] on the stage

[18:07] and open it up

[18:08] and then the band

[18:09] would walk out of the suitcase.

[18:10] Oh, cool.

[18:10] like there was a trap door

[18:11] on the stage

[18:12] that the suitcase went over

[18:13] and they would play the song

[18:15] and then as they were finishing

[18:16] the song,

[18:16] the band.

[18:17] Don't spoil the trick for me,

[18:18] Elliot.

[18:18] I'm so sorry.

[18:19] No,

[18:19] it's a magic.

[18:20] The masked magician

[18:21] is going to come

[18:22] and chop your head off.

[18:24] No,

[18:24] the masked magician

[18:25] was the one

[18:25] who was giving away

[18:26] the secrets.

Stuart Wellington

[18:27] Oh,

[18:28] yeah.

[18:28] Wow.

[18:29] I thought,

[18:29] well,

[18:29] maybe he sees

[18:31] that you're coming

[18:31] for his throne.

Elliott Kalan

[18:32] Yeah.

[18:32] Yes,

[18:33] you're right.

[18:33] Yeah,

[18:33] the revealing throne.

[18:35] and maybe it was the,

[18:36] Dan,

[18:37] maybe it was the same

[18:37] magic snoot case

[18:38] that Newt used to use.

[18:39] I mean,

[18:41] you just said snoot case,

[18:42] right?

[18:42] Yeah,

Dan McCoy

[18:43] you did say snoot case.

[18:44] Did I say snoot case?

[18:44] But I,

[18:45] unlike Elliot,

[18:46] decided to let it go.

[18:47] Look,

Elliott Kalan

[18:48] you gotta keep your snoot

[18:49] somewhere.

[18:50] Yep.

[18:51] And then when they

[18:52] finished the song,

[18:53] the band would walk

[18:54] back into the suitcase

[18:54] and he would close it up

[18:55] and walk off the stage

[18:57] with it,

[18:57] which is a pretty cool trick.

[18:59] Anyway,

[19:00] I mean,

[19:01] it's an illusion.

[19:01] Well,

Dan McCoy

[19:01] you can only do it once.

Elliott Kalan

[19:04] Yeah,

[19:04] because the suitcase

[19:05] crushes them to death.

[19:06] Yep.

[19:08] So he's in trouble

[19:10] for whatever happened

[19:11] last movie.

[19:11] Something happened

[19:12] in New York

[19:12] that was bad,

[19:13] but his brother Theseus,

[19:15] who works for their

[19:15] British ministry

[19:16] as an orror,

[19:17] which is a kind of

[19:18] magic secret policeman,

[19:19] I guess.

[19:20] Yeah,

[19:20] magic cops.

[19:21] It's a magic cop.

[19:22] They should just call them

[19:23] magic cops,

[19:23] but sell it with a J,

[19:24] like Clive Barker would.

Stuart Wellington

[19:26] Yep.

[19:27] And a K for cops.

Elliott Kalan

[19:28] Yeah,

[19:29] exactly.

[19:32] They say,

[19:34] we need your help

[19:34] stopping Grindelwald

[19:35] from taking over the world

[19:38] with his magic army,

[19:39] and there's a boy

[19:40] named Credence,

[19:41] who I guess was

[19:41] in the last movie,

[19:43] who is...

Stuart Wellington

[19:44] Led by Ezra Miller.

[19:45] And Credence...

[19:46] DC's Flash.

Elliott Kalan

[19:48] Yep,

[19:48] and Credence is

[19:49] trying to figure out

[19:51] who his parents were,

[19:52] and everyone knows

[19:52] he's a super powerful wizard,

[19:54] but they don't know

[19:54] where he came from,

[19:55] and Grindelwald

[19:56] wants Credence

[19:57] to join his army.

[19:58] We'll find out why

[19:58] after this.

[19:59] I think it's for

Stuart Wellington

[20:00] Clearwater Revival.

[20:02] Yeah,

[20:02] so...

[20:02] So,

[20:05] Credence was in the first movie,

[20:06] and he was this,

[20:08] like,

[20:08] abused kid

[20:09] who lived in an orphanage,

[20:11] and he was...

[20:13] And he was...

[20:15] What happens when

[20:16] a wizard is...

[20:18] doesn't have a way

[20:19] to express their powers,

[20:21] so it, like,

[20:22] builds up in him

[20:23] and creates this,

[20:24] like,

[20:24] other being

[20:25] that's, like,

[20:26] just pure destructive energy

[20:27] that flies around

[20:28] that he can't control.

[20:30] And Grindelwald,

[20:31] in the form of

[20:32] Colin Farrell,

[20:33] was, like,

[20:34] gaslighting

[20:35] slash abusing

[20:36] this kid

[20:38] to try and make him

[20:39] more and more powerful.

[20:40] And then, like,

[20:41] it kind of felt like...

[20:42] For some reason,

[20:43] I thought he died

[20:44] at the end of the first movie,

[20:45] but clearly that didn't happen.

[20:46] No.

[20:48] So, uh...

[20:48] But it felt like his story,

[20:49] at least in that movie,

[20:50] that kid's story was over,

[20:53] but I guess not,

[20:54] because he's in this one.

Elliott Kalan

[20:54] No,

[20:55] because it's...

[20:55] As with the Pirates of the Caribbean

[20:57] or the Avengers movies,

[20:58] you never introduce a character

[20:59] and then be done with them.

[21:01] You gotta bring them back

[21:02] so it, like,

[21:03] keeps accumulating characters

[21:04] like a snowball

[21:04] rolling down a hill.

[21:05] So to get this...

[21:06] To put it in layman's terms

[21:07] that I think everyone

[21:08] will understand,

[21:09] Credence is kind of like

[21:10] the Sentry

[21:11] plus Kid Miracle Man.

[21:13] Uh-huh.

[21:14] Yep.

[21:14] Thank you.

[21:14] Great.

[21:15] Everyone understands that.

[21:16] Everyone's trying to catch that kid,

[21:18] is what you're saying.

[21:18] Yeah.

[21:19] They're trying to catch that kid,

[21:21] and also,

[21:21] in a weird way,

[21:22] kid that catch.

[21:23] I'll explain why in a minute.

[21:24] Uh...

[21:25] There's no way to explain it.

[21:26] The phrase doesn't make sense.

[21:28] So, uh...

[21:29] The Ministry is like,

[21:30] Newt, we want you...

[21:30] You can't leave the country

[21:32] with permission,

[21:32] with our permission,

[21:33] unless you go after Credence.

[21:35] And Newt is like,

[21:36] no, I've got to protect Credence.

[21:37] And so the Ministry is going to send

[21:38] some dude named Grimson,

[21:40] who I guess is supposed to be

[21:41] like a magic assassin

[21:42] or something like that.

[21:43] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[21:43] And I laugh very hard,

[21:44] because he like,

[21:45] just at the end of the meeting

[21:46] where Newt like,

[21:47] turns down the job,

[21:48] he just like,

[21:49] walks out from behind a pillar,

[21:50] or I guess he's just been lurking

[21:52] the whole time.

[21:52] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[21:53] And he's like,

[21:53] well, I guess you're going to have to send me.

[21:56] And it's the most ominous thing.

[21:57] Like, what?

[21:57] Why were you just hanging out there, dude?

[21:59] Yeah, that's true.

Elliott Kalan

[21:59] And it means if Newt was like,

[22:01] okay, I'll do it,

[22:01] that Grimson would just have to stand

[22:03] waiting behind the pillars

[22:03] until everyone left the room.

[22:07] And then sneak out.

Stuart Wellington

[22:09] He's like,

[22:10] I'm glad I brought some magic almonds

[22:12] in my pocket to snack on,

Elliott Kalan

[22:13] because this is a long wait.

[22:15] So I think what the movie is telling us,

[22:17] what the Harry Potter stories tell us

[22:18] is that if you're not a wizard,

[22:20] it sucks to be a kid.

[22:21] Like, you're either living under some stairs

[22:23] or you're in a bad orphanage.

[22:24] Like, only wizards have good childhoods,

[22:26] I guess, in the Harry Potter world.

[22:28] Well, I mean,

[22:28] I think it's complicated,

[22:30] but sure.

[22:30] Okay.

[22:31] I mean, this is based on a sample set

[22:32] of two.

Stuart Wellington

[22:33] I think if you are a wizard

[22:35] and you're forced to live with humans,

[22:37] it's tough,

[22:38] because you're not able to be yourself.

Elliott Kalan

[22:40] I guess that's true.

[22:40] And you know what?

[22:41] This movie's all about being yourself,

[22:43] I think.

[22:44] It was kind of hard,

[22:45] because coming up,

[22:46] we only introduced a few of the characters.

[22:48] Okay, Grindelwald,

[22:48] he sets up his headquarters in France.

[22:50] Oh my God, there's so many.

[22:50] To do that,

[22:51] he has to kill a baby.

[22:51] We never see that baby again.

Stuart Wellington

[22:53] The thing I like about that scene

[22:54] is they go into this room,

[22:57] they see a baby,

[22:59] he leaves his henchmen,

[23:00] you see the henchmen,

[23:02] like,

[23:03] you see the, like,

[23:04] explosion,

[23:04] so the henchman clearly kills the baby,

[23:07] and then Grindelwald

[23:08] closes the door behind him,

[23:09] so his henchman is like,

[23:11] just in the room

[23:12] with a dead baby?

[23:13] Like,

[23:13] what are they gonna do in there?

Elliott Kalan

[23:15] Grindelwald's like,

[23:16] I don't care what you have to do

[23:17] to get rid of this thing,

[23:18] eat it,

[23:19] whatever,

[23:19] burn it,

[23:20] throw it away,

[23:20] I don't care.

[23:21] I don't need to know.

[23:21] He's like,

[23:21] I'm gonna close the door,

Stuart Wellington

[23:23] you wait like,

[23:24] a couple of minutes,

[23:25] and then leave,

[23:25] because it's more ominous.

[23:26] Dude,

[23:27] he apparates that,

Dan McCoy

[23:27] those baby remains away,

[23:29] the way that they used to do with shit,

[23:30] according to J.K. Rowling.

Stuart Wellington

[23:32] Dan is referring to J.K. Rowling's ability

[23:34] to say weird ass shit about her series.

Elliott Kalan

[23:38] And what is this?

[23:39] What was the thing she said this time?

Stuart Wellington

[23:40] Was that,

[23:41] that wizards didn't adopt plumbing

[23:43] for quite a while,

[23:45] or they didn't,

[23:46] they didn't take,

[23:47] they would just shit themselves

[23:48] and magic the shit away.

[23:51] It's like J.K. Rowling spent years

Elliott Kalan

[23:53] building up this,

[23:54] this fictional universe,

[23:55] and now she got hit on the head

[23:56] with a coconut,

[23:57] and she thinks it's really stupid,

[23:58] and now she's just like,

[23:59] I gotta,

[24:00] I gotta make this sound

[24:01] as dumb as possible.

[24:03] Yeah.

[24:03] Like she took,

Stuart Wellington

[24:04] it's like the belief that

[24:05] Ozzy Osbourne,

[24:07] when Ozzy Osbourne and Randy Rhodes

[24:08] were in that plane accident,

[24:10] and Randy Rhodes died,

[24:12] there's a belief that Ozzy Osbourne

[24:14] actually died,

[24:15] and that like,

[24:17] that Sharon found somebody else

[24:19] entirely to be Ozzy,

[24:20] and that's why Ozzy's

[24:21] so weird now.

Elliott Kalan

[24:22] Because that doesn't match up

[24:24] with the previous Ozzy,

[24:25] who was also pretty weird?

Stuart Wellington

[24:26] But like,

[24:27] Ozzy's like a Yoda grandma now,

[24:29] and I guess he was different

[24:30] back then.

Elliott Kalan

[24:32] I mean,

[24:32] that's also the aging process,

[24:34] I guess,

[24:34] but it's a good theory,

[24:35] I guess we should run with it.

[24:36] Wait,

Stuart Wellington

[24:36] wait,

[24:37] that's gonna happen

[24:37] to all of us?

Elliott Kalan

[24:38] I hate to bring it to you,

[24:39] but yes,

[24:40] very much so.

[24:40] Oh no.

[24:42] We're all gonna have

[24:43] our own reality show

[24:43] that our family

[24:44] begrudgingly agrees to be on.

[24:47] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[24:48] I think the rest of the family

[24:49] was very excited to be on it,

[24:50] because they weren't

[24:51] necessarily famous

[24:52] before the show.

[24:53] Oh,

Elliott Kalan

[24:53] that's a good point,

[24:54] that's a good point.

[24:55] You mean,

[24:56] you mean the man that

[24:57] came off the worst

[24:57] and looking like a senile

[24:59] old grandpa on the show

[25:00] was maybe the one

[25:01] who didn't want to do the show?

[25:03] Maybe he wasn't

[25:04] the big decision maker?

[25:05] So,

[25:06] it's like J.K. Rowling

[25:07] was like,

[25:08] hey,

[25:08] you know what makes

[25:09] a lot of money,

[25:09] I assume?

[25:10] Red letter media videos

[25:11] that savage fictional stuff.

[25:13] What if I monopolized it

[25:14] by making the thing

[25:15] and then doing my own

[25:16] red letter media type thing?

[25:17] So she's like,

[25:18] oh,

[25:18] I guess these wizards

[25:19] just magic their shit away?

[25:21] Oh,

[25:21] I don't know.

[25:22] Yeah,

[25:22] yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[25:23] She's like,

[25:23] found a plot hole.

[25:25] Magic doesn't exist,

[25:26] idiot.

[25:29] Goofs.

Elliott Kalan

[25:30] Put that in the goof section,

[25:32] yeah.

[25:35] I hope that's in the goof section

[25:37] on IMDb where it's like,

[25:38] the movie posits that in 1927

[25:39] there was a war of wizards.

[25:41] In reality,

[25:41] in 1927,

[25:42] there was no war of wizards.

[25:46] So,

[25:47] Scamander,

[25:48] he meets up with

[25:49] Dumbledore himself,

[25:50] played by Jude Law.

[25:52] This is the Dumbledore

[25:53] from the later movies.

[25:54] This is the character

[25:54] I've heard of.

[25:55] The Dumbledore who

[25:56] was revealed as gay

[25:57] by J.K. Rowling

[25:58] after the fact,

[26:00] but it plays into

[26:00] these movies,

[26:01] I guess,

[26:02] and that's why she

[26:02] started talking about it.

[26:04] He says,

[26:05] Credence is in Paris

[26:06] and they've got to find out

[26:08] if he's this fabled

[26:09] like pure blood wizard

[26:10] that can do

[26:11] whatever is super powerful.

[26:13] They've got to find out.

[26:14] And Dumbledore's like,

[26:16] Scamander,

[26:16] you've got to go there

[26:17] and do

[26:18] something.

[26:20] Like,

[26:20] it's not really clear

[26:21] what he wants Newt

[26:22] to do in Paris

[26:22] after he finds Credence.

[26:23] But,

[26:24] first,

[26:25] Newt is-

Stuart Wellington

[26:25] I think he wants him

[26:26] to find Credence

[26:28] and also stand up

[26:29] to Grindelwald

[26:30] or something

[26:30] because he keeps saying

[26:31] over and over

[26:32] that he can't do anything.

[26:33] Yes.

[26:33] Even though,

[26:34] at least according to everyone,

[26:36] he's the most powerful wizard

[26:37] in the world.

Elliott Kalan

[26:38] Everyone's like,

[26:39] you've got to take care of him.

[26:40] I can't,

[26:41] I can't.

[26:42] And you're like,

[26:43] just reveal the plot development

[26:44] that tells me why he can't.

[26:46] Like,

[26:46] it's so obvious

[26:46] that he can't-

Stuart Wellington

[26:48] I start suspecting

[26:49] that there's magic involved

[26:51] and I don't live

[26:51] in a world with magic.

[26:53] I would imagine

[26:53] they would be like,

[26:54] is it because of this?

[26:56] Is it because of this other thing?

[26:57] Like,

[26:57] we all went to wizard school.

[26:58] We know all these things.

Elliott Kalan

[26:59] Because all-

[27:00] and he never explains to anybody.

[27:01] So it's just assumed

[27:02] that he's a jerk.

[27:03] It's like,

[27:04] hey,

[27:05] Hitler's coming up

[27:07] and you've got that

[27:07] anti-Hitler ray

[27:08] that you invented.

[27:09] Why don't you use it?

[27:10] I can't.

[27:11] Is there a reason

[27:11] why you can't?

[27:12] I just can't.

[27:13] Don't ask me about it.

[27:14] Okay,

[27:14] then you're a monster, right?

[27:15] No, no, no.

[27:17] And later it turns out like,

[27:19] I double-dog dare promised

[27:21] that I would never

[27:22] shoot Hitler.

[27:23] Oh,

[27:23] now I understand.

[27:24] Okay,

[27:24] well,

[27:25] can I use that Hitler gun then?

[27:26] Okay,

[27:26] go ahead.

[27:27] Take it.

[27:28] You know,

[27:28] it's like,

[27:29] it's not that different than that.

[27:29] Anyway,

[27:30] we'll get to it.

Dan McCoy

[27:30] Wait,

[27:31] I just want to say,

[27:32] like,

[27:33] I want to say that Elliot's

[27:34] explaining this much more clearly

[27:35] than the movie explains it.

[27:37] Like,

[27:38] so I was watching this,

[27:39] I was watching this with my girlfriend

[27:40] who I haven't mentioned before

[27:41] because she didn't really want

[27:42] to be a character on the podcast.

[27:44] Too late.

Stuart Wellington

[27:44] You just kept doing,

[27:46] like,

[27:46] vague references to

[27:47] the person you're watching

[27:49] a movie with.

[27:49] that's why I'm mentioning her now

Dan McCoy

[27:51] because she got tired of being,

[27:52] like,

[27:52] my movie-watching friend.

[27:54] So,

[27:54] okay,

Elliott Kalan

[27:55] let's just get everything

[27:56] out of the open.

[27:57] Dan has a girlfriend now.

[27:58] Her name is Pippi.

[27:59] She's really lovely.

[28:01] She's got long stockings.

[28:02] She's got long stockings.

[28:02] She works as a sanitation worker

[28:04] using her prodigious strength

[28:05] to lift up couches

[28:06] and things like that

[28:07] and mattresses.

Dan McCoy

[28:08] But anyway,

[28:09] her point was,

[28:10] like,

[28:11] she watched the movie

[28:12] and was as angry at it

[28:14] as I was

[28:14] and she was like,

[28:16] the movie,

[28:16] the movie's plot

[28:17] is the simplest plot.

[28:19] Yes.

[28:19] Like,

[28:20] the bad guys

[28:20] and the good guys

[28:21] all want to find

[28:22] the same guy.

[28:23] But it took her,

[28:24] she said,

[28:25] like,

[28:25] almost two-thirds

[28:26] of the movie

[28:26] to figure out

[28:27] that that was the plot

[28:28] because it's fumbled

[28:29] so badly.

Elliott Kalan

[28:31] I mean,

[28:31] it's a failure

[28:32] of both writing

[28:33] in terms of

[28:34] making anything clear

[28:35] and also directing

[28:37] in that

[28:38] the scenes

[28:39] are not clearly

[28:40] shot or staged

[28:42] or acted

[28:42] or anything.

[28:43] Everything is so,

[28:44] and the movie,

[28:44] it has that look

[28:45] that British

[28:46] masterpiece theater

[28:47] productions have

[28:48] where the image

[28:50] is not quite as clear

[28:51] as it should be

[28:51] and everything

[28:53] is kind of like,

[28:54] it's staged

[28:55] almost as if

[28:55] the movie is ashamed

[28:56] that you're watching it

[28:57] and is like,

[28:58] oh,

[28:59] well,

[28:59] let's just get this over

[29:00] with real quick

[29:01] and quiet

[29:01] so that we don't

[29:02] bother anybody

[29:03] and they can get on

[29:04] with their lives

[29:04] and they don't have to

[29:05] worry about this movie

[29:05] too much.

[29:06] Like,

[29:06] the movie is so reserved

[29:07] that later when

[29:09] Newt is riding

[29:11] a lion serpent beast

[29:13] chasing after

[29:13] some demon cats

[29:14] or after that

[29:15] when wizards

[29:16] are creating

[29:16] a ring of fire

[29:17] to keep blue

[29:18] fire dragons

[29:19] from destroying

[29:19] London,

[29:20] I was like,

[29:21] it felt like

[29:22] you're having

[29:23] a conversation

[29:23] in another room

[29:24] and you don't want

[29:25] the other people

[29:25] at the party

[29:26] to hear what

[29:26] you're saying

[29:27] because it's like

[29:27] you're arguing

[29:28] with a loved one.

[29:30] Like,

[29:30] the whole thing

[29:31] is done as if

[29:31] it would prefer

[29:32] you were not

[29:32] watching it

[29:33] and you were

[29:33] looking at

[29:34] something else.

[29:35] So,

[29:35] okay,

[29:36] this is important

[29:37] stuff.

[29:37] So,

[29:38] of course,

[29:38] Newt only has

[29:38] a little bit

[29:39] of time to go

[29:39] to his house

[29:40] full of creatures

[29:40] and ride a Kelpie

[29:41] around.

[29:42] Now,

[29:42] is that Kelpie

[29:43] from the first movie

[29:44] or is it just

[29:45] a random monster?

Stuart Wellington

[29:46] I think it's new.

[29:47] It's a new monster.

Elliott Kalan

[29:48] Okay,

[29:49] but he's at home

[29:50] so that's when

[29:50] his New York buddies

[29:51] Queenie and Jacob

[29:52] stop by.

[29:53] Uh-oh,

[29:54] there are a couple

[29:54] of laugh-em-ups.

Stuart Wellington

[29:56] Now,

[29:56] I remember in the

[29:57] first movie

[29:58] finding their

[29:59] relationship kind

[30:00] of charming

[30:00] and it felt like

[30:01] such a weird way

[30:02] to reintroduce

[30:04] them.

[30:06] They're a couple

[30:07] where he is a

[30:10] nomad,

[30:11] meaning he has

[30:12] no ability

[30:13] to use magic.

Elliott Kalan

[30:14] He's a can't spell.

[30:15] He can't spell.

Stuart Wellington

[30:16] Yep,

[30:16] and she is a wizard.

[30:19] And she has the

Elliott Kalan

[30:19] power to read minds,

[30:20] right?

Dan McCoy

[30:22] Yeah,

[30:22] and she's sort

[30:23] of like a bit

[30:24] of a dizzy

[30:25] Marilyn Monroe type

[30:26] a little bit.

[30:27] like Audrey.

Stuart Wellington

[30:28] Like Audrey

[30:28] from Little Shop of Horrors.

[30:29] Yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[30:29] yeah,

[30:30] and he's like

[30:30] a Jackie Gleason

[30:31] in The Honeymooners

[30:32] type.

[30:32] It's a lot,

[30:33] it's like,

Stuart Wellington

[30:33] it's played by Dan

[30:34] Fogler in this case.

Elliott Kalan

[30:35] And it's like

[30:36] the characters should

[30:37] clash in funny ways

[30:39] and maybe they do

[30:39] in the first movie.

[30:40] Eddie Redmayne is

[30:40] always like,

[30:41] oh,

[30:41] and they're like,

[30:43] hey,

[30:43] good to see you,

[30:44] newt old pal,

[30:44] old buddy.

[30:45] Hey,

John Hodgman

[30:45] oh,

[30:45] newt,

[30:46] oh,

[30:46] it's so wonderful

[30:47] to see you.

[30:47] Oh,

Elliott Kalan

[30:47] so sweet.

[30:48] Like,

[30:48] that's the way

[30:49] they talk basically.

[30:50] Like,

[30:50] they're like

[30:52] characters that

[30:52] stepped out of

[30:53] a Looney Tunes

[30:53] cartoon,

[30:54] essentially.

Stuart Wellington

[30:55] Yeah,

[30:55] and I think,

[30:55] I mean,

[30:56] I feel like in the

[30:56] first movie,

[30:57] all the characters

[30:58] had,

[30:59] these two characters

[31:00] had a little more

[31:01] internal life,

[31:02] maybe.

[31:02] Like,

[31:02] they had something

[31:03] going on in their

[31:04] life other than

[31:05] their most immediate

[31:06] relationship drama.

[31:08] But yeah,

[31:09] they have some drama

[31:10] because they cannot

[31:11] be married,

[31:12] at least in America,

[31:13] because wizards

[31:14] can't marry,

[31:15] you know,

[31:16] can't spells.

[31:17] So she has

[31:19] enchanted him

[31:19] and taken him

[31:20] to London

[31:21] to,

[31:22] I don't know,

[31:23] get married to him.

[31:24] And then they get

[31:25] in a fight

[31:26] and she disappears.

[31:27] Basically just

[31:27] dropping him off

[31:28] so he can go

[31:29] on an adventure.

Elliott Kalan

[31:29] Yes,

[31:30] she put a spell

[31:31] on him to overcome

[31:32] his objections

[31:33] to their getting

[31:34] married since

[31:35] it's illegal

[31:35] and newt

[31:37] breaks that spell

[31:38] and they get

[31:38] into a fight

[31:39] and she runs off.

[31:40] They also drop

[31:41] the news

[31:41] in the most

[31:42] artificial way possible.

[31:43] Oh yeah,

[31:44] so Tina,

[31:45] is that her name?

[31:46] Your girlfriend

[31:46] from the first movie?

[31:48] Tina Goldstein?

[31:49] She's dating

[31:50] somebody new

[31:51] and we saw

[31:52] in this famous

[31:52] Wizards magazine

[31:53] and it's not

[31:55] Wizard magazine

[31:55] published by

[31:56] Gareth Seamus

[31:57] because if it was

[31:58] Wizard magazine

[31:59] I would have read

[31:59] that issue

[32:00] because I was a

[32:01] religious subscriber

[32:02] to Wizard for years.

[32:04] You know,

[32:04] Dan,

[32:05] you're familiar

[32:05] with Wizard,

[32:05] the guide to comics,

[32:06] I assume.

Stuart Wellington

[32:07] Yeah,

[32:07] and then

[32:08] the issue

[32:08] of Wizard magazine

[32:09] from 1927

[32:10] would have been

[32:10] worth quite a bit

[32:11] of money.

[32:12] I'm familiar

Dan McCoy

[32:12] with the giant ads

[32:14] of Red Sonja

[32:15] and a thong

[32:15] that would always

[32:16] stick in the middle

[32:16] of that magazine.

Elliott Kalan

[32:17] Yeah,

[32:18] sure,

[32:18] so it made it

[32:18] hard to read

[32:19] on the bus

[32:19] and the casting

[32:20] call where they

[32:20] would cast movies

[32:21] based on who

[32:22] looked most

[32:22] like a superhero.

Stuart Wellington

[32:24] What movie

[32:25] would they be

[32:25] casting in 1927?

Elliott Kalan

[32:27] I mean,

[32:27] there was only,

[32:29] there were no

[32:29] superheroes at the time

[32:30] so it would be

[32:30] like the Fu Manchu

[32:31] movie or like,

[32:32] maybe like,

[32:33] the spider,

[32:35] like a pulp hero.

[32:37] Oh,

[32:37] cool.

[32:38] they would go

[32:38] to the price

[32:39] guide in the back

[32:39] of a 1927 issue

[32:40] of Wizard

[32:40] and it would say,

[32:41] no comics yet,

[32:42] come back later.

[32:44] It would say,

[32:45] it would say,

[32:45] famous funnies

[32:46] number one,

[32:47] only comic,

[32:47] 25 cents.

Dan McCoy

[32:50] I also have to say

[32:51] that in this scene

[32:52] they wave away

[32:53] the fact that

[32:53] in the first movie

[32:54] Dan Fogler

[32:55] had his memory wiped

[32:56] so he would not

[32:57] remember anything

[32:57] about the wizards

[32:58] and they just

[32:59] wave it away

[32:59] being like,

[33:00] oh,

[33:01] you know,

[33:01] that spell

[33:01] only takes away

[33:02] bad memories

[33:03] but I didn't have

[33:03] any bad memories.

[33:04] They're only good memories

[33:05] so I remember

[33:06] and it's just like,

[33:06] that's a pretty big

[33:07] fucking loophole

[33:08] in this spell.

Stuart Wellington

[33:09] It's a huge,

[33:10] like,

[33:11] if you were going

[33:11] to do that,

[33:12] why didn't you

[33:12] just come up

[33:12] with something like,

[33:13] yeah,

[33:14] we gave you a potion

[33:15] at the end

[33:16] of the last movie

[33:16] so the spell

[33:17] wouldn't work on you,

Dan McCoy

[33:20] fingers behind our back

[33:21] when we made that spell.

Elliott Kalan

[33:23] Or just don't do

[33:23] that spell

[33:24] since clearly

[33:25] for the next movie

[33:26] he needs to remember

[33:26] all this stuff.

[33:27] Like,

[33:28] they also tell him

[33:29] that they're like,

[33:30] we saw you

[33:30] in this wizard magazine

[33:31] that you got engaged

[33:32] to Lita Lestrange,

[33:33] congratulations.

[33:34] no,

[33:34] it's my brother Theseus

[33:35] who is engaged to Lita.

[33:37] And I'm like,

[33:37] it's the silliest bullshit.

[33:40] It's so dumb.

Stuart Wellington

[33:40] Like,

[33:41] it's the fakest,

[33:42] like,

[33:42] forced drama

[33:43] where they're like,

[33:44] well,

[33:45] Tina's mad at you now

[33:46] and due to this misprint.

[33:47] Yeah,

[33:48] it's going to take

[33:48] two-thirds of the movie

[33:49] before you have a chance

[33:50] to explain.

[33:51] And when you do have a chance,

[33:52] it's going to take forever

[33:53] because you're not good at that.

[33:55] Yeah,

[33:55] he's like a dithering idiot.

Elliott Kalan

[33:57] Because he's a stuttering,

[33:58] mumbling prick,

[33:58] as Joe Pesci might say.

[34:01] There's also

[34:01] something about the names

[34:03] in the movie

[34:03] where they're like,

[34:04] it's like,

[34:05] J.K. Rowling's like,

[34:05] I need some fantastical names

[34:07] for these characters.

[34:08] Newt Scamander,

[34:09] Theseus Scamander,

[34:10] Albus Dumbledore,

[34:11] Grimblewald,

[34:12] Tina Goldstein.

[34:14] And I'm like,

[34:14] I was saying to my wife,

[34:17] I was like,

[34:17] she was watching with me

[34:18] and she's like,

[34:19] Tina Goldstein

[34:20] is not the most exciting name.

[34:21] I'm like,

[34:21] maybe that's an exotic-sounding name

[34:23] to J.K. Rowling.

[34:23] I don't know how many

[34:24] Jewish people she knows.

[34:25] Like,

[34:27] So Queenie runs off,

[34:30] Jacob goes on an adventure

[34:31] with Newt,

[34:32] and Newt learns

[34:33] that Tina is in Paris also.

[34:35] So Newt and Jacob

[34:36] set off to Paris

[34:37] courtesy of a magic bucket

[34:38] that they jump into.

[34:40] They go to a rocky cliff

[34:42] so they can jump into

[34:43] a magic bucket

[34:44] and get into Paris.

[34:46] Meanwhile,

[34:46] we cut to Paris.

Dan McCoy

[34:48] Yeah,

[34:49] a lot of these spells

[34:50] have like,

[34:51] these little filigrees

[34:52] and like,

[34:53] doodads

[34:54] that you're like,

[34:54] is that necessary

[34:55] for the spell?

[34:56] Like,

[34:56] why is there a bucket

[34:58] and why is the bucket

[34:59] on a cliff?

[35:00] Like,

[35:00] why does that specifically...

[35:01] Like,

Elliott Kalan

[35:01] what universe is this

[35:03] where the natural,

[35:04] the natural magical laws

[35:06] of the universe say,

[35:07] to travel from England

[35:08] to France,

[35:09] you need to put a bucket

[35:10] on a cliff

[35:10] and then jump in it.

[35:14] So Tina's,

[35:15] she goes to Paris

[35:16] and she walks through

[35:18] a magic statue

[35:18] to get to magical Paris

[35:20] where there's...

Stuart Wellington

[35:21] Did we mention that

[35:21] Tina is a magic cop?

[35:23] Oh,

[35:23] Tina is also an orror.

[35:24] Yeah,

[35:24] she's a magic cop.

[35:25] Yeah,

[35:25] she's a US magic cop.

Elliott Kalan

[35:26] Yeah,

[35:26] it's just like

[35:28] the second Kingsman movie

[35:29] basically.

[35:29] So she's way out of her jurisdiction.

[35:30] Yeah,

[35:31] actually,

[35:31] where is her jurisdiction?

[35:32] She works for the American ministry

[35:34] and the British ministry

[35:35] is also there

[35:36] and they're both in Paris

[35:37] which the French

[35:38] has its own ministry.

[35:39] So like,

[35:40] what's the...

[35:41] Do they just have a...

[35:41] And the French

Stuart Wellington

[35:41] don't seem to recognize

[35:44] that she's even there

[35:46] so maybe she's operating,

Dan McCoy

[35:47] you know,

[35:48] under deep cover.

[35:49] I think that could be it.

Stuart Wellington

[35:50] Tina's like Nicole Kidman

[35:52] in Destroyer.

Dan McCoy

[35:55] Tina's played by

[35:56] Catherine Waterston

[35:56] who you may know

[35:57] from Inherent Vice

[35:58] or being Sam Waterston's daughter.

[36:00] in case you want

[36:02] to visualize...

[36:02] I mean,

[36:03] in case you're friends

Elliott Kalan

[36:03] with the Waterston family,

[36:05] that's where you would

Dan McCoy

[36:05] know her from.

[36:06] Yeah,

[36:06] send her a card

[36:07] to congratulate her

[36:09] for being in

[36:10] Brindle Wine.

Stuart Wellington

[36:11] So she goes to a street fair.

[36:14] It's a magic circus.

[36:15] It's a magic circus.

[36:16] It's a magic part of...

[36:16] A magic circus.

[36:17] And that's where

Elliott Kalan

[36:18] Credence is working

[36:19] and he's in love

[36:20] with a woman named Nagini

[36:21] who's on display

[36:22] because she turns

[36:23] into a snake sometimes.

[36:25] Now this is like

Dan McCoy

[36:26] a magic circus, right?

[36:28] Yeah.

[36:28] Because I was confused

[36:29] why all these magicians

[36:30] were amazed

[36:30] by a lady turning

[36:31] into a snake.

Elliott Kalan

[36:32] Well,

[36:32] because she's a freak

[36:33] because she has

[36:35] a curse on her

[36:35] where she's...

[36:36] Much like Cobra Commander

[36:38] in the G.I. Joe movie

[36:40] where they go after...

[36:41] Where they build

[36:42] Serpentor, right?

[36:43] Or they go to Cobra Law,

[36:44] whatever it is.

[36:45] Yeah, it's Cobra Law.

[36:46] She's turning into a snake

[36:47] over time

[36:48] until one day

[36:48] she will be just a snake.

Dan McCoy

[36:50] Yeah.

[36:51] I mean,

[36:51] I guess humans go

[36:52] to see things

[36:53] that are not amazing

[36:54] all the time.

[36:54] Like,

[36:55] I went to the Brooklyn Museum

[36:56] the other week

[36:57] and there's a whole section

[36:58] of it that's just

[36:59] farm animals

[37:00] and I'm like,

[37:01] can we skip this section?

[37:03] And my girlfriend's like,

[37:04] no,

[37:04] let's go see the farm animals.

[37:05] I'm like,

[37:05] but I grew up near farms.

[37:07] I don't like...

[37:07] Why?

[37:08] And then I went and saw them

Stuart Wellington

[37:09] oh, the sheep are still cute.

[37:12] Honkshoe,

[37:12] been there,

[37:13] done that.

[37:13] It's also,

Elliott Kalan

[37:14] I like how it's your frame

[37:14] of reference.

[37:15] You're like,

[37:16] farm animals are boring.

[37:17] Everyone agrees with that.

[37:18] No, they're not.

[37:19] I live in a city.

[37:20] I never see animals

[37:21] of any kind

[37:21] except pigeons and rats.

[37:23] What is this thing?

[37:23] A pig?

[37:24] A sheep?

[37:24] These are fantastic beasts.

[37:26] Where do I find them?

[37:29] At the Brooklyn Museum,

[37:30] I guess.

[37:30] And Dan's like,

[37:32] Brooklyn Museum,

[37:33] making me look at farm animals.

[37:34] This is a crime

[37:35] worthy of Grindelwald.

[37:36] I guess...

[37:37] I mean,

Dan McCoy

[37:37] the moral of the story

[37:38] was that I did enjoy

[37:39] seeing the farm animals.

Elliott Kalan

[37:41] So I guess go to that

[37:42] magic circus, wizards.

[37:44] There's going to be stuff

[37:44] that you're excited to see.

[37:45] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[37:46] So this is important

[37:47] because Nagini,

[37:49] as a snake,

[37:51] is a big part

[37:53] of the original

[37:54] Harry Potter books

[37:55] because she is one of,

[37:57] she is the familiar

[37:58] and one of the horcruxes

[38:00] of Voldemort.

Dan McCoy

[38:02] Oh, I didn't know that.

[38:03] Okay.

[38:04] Yes.

[38:04] And...

[38:04] So we just thought

Stuart Wellington

[38:05] it was a big evil snake,

[38:07] but in fact,

[38:07] it's an Asian lady.

Dan McCoy

[38:09] Yeah.

[38:09] There was,

[38:10] I think she's Korean.

[38:12] I believe...

[38:13] Part of Asia, Dan.

[38:14] No, I know,

[38:14] but I was going to be

[38:15] a little more specific.

[38:16] Okay, that's fair.

[38:18] But I think there was

[38:19] like a bit of a controversy

[38:20] about like,

[38:21] oh, like this,

[38:22] this,

[38:23] this woman,

[38:24] like this horcrux

[38:25] that gets destroyed

[38:26] in this later book.

[38:27] Turns out she was like

[38:28] this innocent Korean lady

[38:31] and there was like

[38:33] a bit of like a,

[38:33] that's a weird choice, guys.

[38:35] Like, let's just...

Stuart Wellington

[38:36] I mean...

[38:36] Yeah,

[38:37] and it's,

[38:38] it's also weird

[38:39] because like,

[38:39] she doesn't do anything

[38:41] at all in the movie.

[38:43] No.

Elliott Kalan

[38:43] She doesn't,

[38:44] she barely even helps Credence.

[38:45] She's just there

[38:46] as basically window dressing.

[38:48] I mean,

[38:48] she's the reason

[38:49] that Credence leaves

[38:50] his job at the circus,

[38:52] I guess,

[38:52] but why did he ever need

[38:54] to have a job at the circus?

[38:55] Like, it doesn't...

Stuart Wellington

[38:56] And they,

[38:56] they,

[38:57] I feel like they're both

[38:58] underserved in the,

[39:00] like a movie that is already

[39:01] too stuffed.

[39:03] They're both underserved

[39:04] in that they don't,

[39:05] they,

[39:06] like we don't really get

[39:07] either of their motivations

[39:08] other than Credence's basic,

[39:10] I need to know

[39:11] about my family.

Elliott Kalan

[39:12] I mean,

[39:12] not since Waiting for Godot

[39:14] has a character

[39:14] been so talked about

[39:15] and yet done so little

[39:17] in a,

[39:18] in a,

[39:18] in a dramatic production.

[39:20] Like,

[39:20] every scene is,

[39:21] it's like Poochie,

[39:22] like every scene's like,

[39:23] where's Credence?

[39:24] Gotta find Credence.

[39:25] What's Credence up to?

[39:26] And then you see Credence

[39:27] and he's like,

[39:28] boo,

[39:29] I wish I knew

[39:29] my parents were,

[39:30] boo,

[39:31] boo.

[39:31] And that's it.

[39:32] He doesn't do anything else.

[39:33] So,

[39:34] anyway,

[39:35] there's also...

Stuart Wellington

[39:35] We have a orphan listener

[39:37] right now

[39:37] who is slamming stop

[39:40] and dragging this

[39:41] into their...

[39:41] I apologize.

Elliott Kalan

[39:42] I am in no way...

[39:43] Look,

[39:43] if you don't know

[39:44] who your parents are,

[39:44] I totally understand

[39:45] wanting to get that closure

[39:47] on your life

[39:48] and your background.

[39:49] I would,

[39:49] if you had magic powers,

[39:51] I would imagine

[39:51] you might be able

[39:52] to do it

[39:52] in a more exciting way

[39:53] than Credence does,

[39:54] which is mainly

[39:54] wandering around Paris

[39:55] with a mopey look

[39:56] on his face

[39:57] with his girlfriend.

[39:58] He is,

Stuart Wellington

[39:58] this Credence

[39:59] is not a fortunate son.

Elliott Kalan

[40:01] Okay.

[40:03] I think there's

[40:04] a very bad moon rising.

[40:05] Is that a Credence

[40:06] Clearwater song?

[40:07] Yep.

[40:07] Okay.

[40:08] Good work.

[40:09] Wait.

[40:10] Is also that

[40:11] looking out my back door song?

[40:13] Is that one?

[40:13] Yep.

[40:14] Yep.

[40:14] What?

[40:14] Okay,

[40:15] because it's like

[40:15] he should be doing more

[40:16] than dude,

[40:16] dude,

[40:17] looking out his back door.

[40:18] Yep.

[40:19] Maybe he should fear the Reaper.

[40:21] No,

Dan McCoy

[40:21] that's Blue Oyster Cult,

[40:22] isn't it?

[40:23] Yeah.

[40:24] Oh boy,

[40:24] different band.

Elliott Kalan

[40:25] Okay,

[40:25] so anyway,

[40:26] they escape.

[40:27] In the process,

[40:28] they let loose

[40:28] such kind of giant lion

[40:29] monster serpent

[40:30] and Tina finds this guy

[40:32] whose name I could never catch

[40:33] who says,

[40:36] oh,

[40:36] Credence is a pure blood

[40:38] and I'm looking for him.

[40:40] then Grindelwald

[40:41] shows up to Credence

[40:42] and says,

[40:43] oh no,

[40:43] it doesn't show up.

[40:44] Sorry,

[40:44] he just talks about

[40:45] how he wants Credence

[40:46] because Credence

[40:46] is the only wizard

[40:47] who can kill

[40:48] Albus Dumbledore.

[40:50] Bump,

[40:50] bump,

[40:51] bum.

[40:53] Magic bucket.

[40:54] Newt goes to

[40:55] where the circus was

[40:56] and he investigates

[40:58] by kind of

[40:58] boondock saints

[41:00] reenacting

[41:01] what we just saw

[41:03] two scenes earlier.

[41:04] He's like,

[41:05] ah,

[41:05] this magic shows me

[41:06] there was a circus

[41:07] over there

[41:07] and Credence was here

[41:09] and Tina was there

[41:11] dude,

[41:11] we just saw this.

[41:13] can we skip you

[41:14] finding these things out

[41:15] that we just saw?

Dan McCoy

[41:16] But also he runs

[41:17] after Tina

[41:18] being like,

[41:18] Tina,

[41:19] Tina,

[41:19] and it's like,

[41:20] you did the spell,

[41:21] dude,

[41:21] you know how it works.

[41:22] Why are you like,

[41:23] oh,

[41:23] she's right here.

Elliott Kalan

[41:24] It's like in a cut movie

[41:25] if someone was watching

[41:26] security camera footage

[41:27] and saw someone

[41:28] they knew on the screen

[41:29] and were like,

[41:29] hey,

[41:30] Billy,

[41:30] and knocking on the screen,

[41:31] hey,

John Hodgman

[41:32] why are you all tiny

[41:33] in black and white?

[41:34] Look at me,

[41:34] come on.

Elliott Kalan

[41:36] So anyway,

[41:37] Queenie wanders around

[41:38] in the rain

[41:39] looking for Jacob

[41:39] and she has

[41:41] some kind of breakdown

[41:41] and one of Grindelwald's

[41:43] followers finds her.

[41:44] Uh-oh.

Stuart Wellington

[41:44] And part of this scene

[41:45] requires you to,

[41:47] like,

[41:47] it took me a little while

[41:48] to remember like,

[41:49] oh yeah,

[41:50] she can read minds

[41:51] and this is probably

[41:52] weird for her.

[41:54] Yeah.

[41:54] But like,

[41:56] not enough of the movie

[41:57] had indicated

[41:57] that was going to happen.

Elliott Kalan

[41:59] This is also,

[42:00] at this point,

[42:00] it was when I started

[42:01] to realize

[42:01] maybe this isn't

[42:02] Newt Scamander's movie.

[42:03] Maybe this is more

[42:04] of like a Dickensian,

[42:05] like,

[42:06] multiple characters

[42:07] intersecting

[42:08] and lots of different

[42:08] plot lines and secrets.

[42:09] Because it's around here

[42:11] that the movie stops.

Stuart Wellington

[42:11] Did you say Dickensian

[42:12] because it's set

[42:13] in olden times?

Elliott Kalan

[42:14] I mean,

[42:15] a different olden times

[42:16] than the one Dickens

[42:17] was set in.

[42:17] To Dickens,

[42:18] 1927 was the far future.

[42:19] A fantastical era

[42:20] of fantastic beasts

[42:22] and Grindelwalds

[42:23] and wars between magic users.

[42:26] Can you imagine

[42:27] if they found,

[42:27] I wonder if they found

[42:28] like an old

[42:29] Charles Dickens manuscript

[42:30] that was about a wizard.

[42:31] That thing would sell

[42:32] like hotcakes, right?

[42:33] That would be a huge hit.

Stuart Wellington

[42:34] I guess what I'm saying is.

[42:35] Or like a Dickens thing

[42:37] that's like,

[42:38] like a YA story

[42:39] about vampires

[42:40] and werewolves

[42:41] you love.

[42:42] I mean,

Dan McCoy

[42:42] he never finished

[42:44] The Mystery of Edwin Drood.

[42:45] Maybe a bunch of wizards

[42:46] came in at the end.

[42:46] Maybe that was his plan.

[42:47] I mean,

Elliott Kalan

[42:48] maybe Luke Skywalker

[42:48] jumped in at the end.

[42:49] Who knows?

[42:50] We could throw

[42:50] whatever we want

[42:51] in that book.

Stuart Wellington

[42:51] That's awesome.

[42:52] But like,

[42:53] he's fucking awesome

[42:53] this time

[42:54] and he like battles

[42:55] and shit

[42:55] instead of being a wimp.

[42:57] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[42:57] Oh,

[42:57] that would be so funny

[42:58] if The Mystery of Edwin Drood

[43:00] was supposed to end

[43:00] with all the characters

[43:01] from his previous book

[43:03] coming back

[43:03] in a shared Dickensverse.

[43:05] And so it's just like

[43:06] a lot of like,

[43:07] how am I going to stop him?

[43:08] And then Pip shows up,

[43:09] you have my,

[43:10] you have my strong right hands.

[43:12] And then like,

[43:13] and like David Copperfield

[43:16] shows up

[43:17] let's field this copper.

[43:18] And they all have

[43:19] their catchphrases,

[43:20] you know.

[43:20] Oliver Twist,

[43:21] who of course can twist

[43:22] like plastic or rubber.

[43:24] He has that power

[43:25] he comes into.

Stuart Wellington

[43:26] Yeah.

[43:26] And they have to go

[43:27] to the future

[43:28] to prevent Alan Moore

[43:29] from writing a story

[43:30] about them.

[43:32] Boys.

[43:32] And making them have sex

[43:33] for some reason.

Elliott Kalan

[43:34] Alan Moore's going to make us

[43:35] all have sex in weird ways.

[43:36] We've got to stop him.

Stuart Wellington

[43:38] Or normal ways.

[43:39] It depends.

Elliott Kalan

[43:40] Yeah.

[43:41] I mean,

[43:41] if it's Alan Moore,

[43:42] it's probably going to be

[43:43] pretty weird.

[43:44] But,

[43:45] okay.

[43:46] Maybe,

[43:47] you know what?

[43:48] Maybe there's no weird way

[43:49] to have sex.

[43:50] Hey, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[43:51] Elliot's coming to an

[43:52] important life lesson.

Dan McCoy

[43:53] You know what?

[43:54] I've certainly tried

[43:55] all the ways I could

[43:56] and none of them

[43:57] seemed that weird to me.

Elliott Kalan

[43:58] I mean,

[43:59] that seems like a failure

[44:00] of your imagination.

[44:01] Oh, yeah?

[44:02] How many times have you

[44:03] done it between

[44:04] two big slices of bread

[44:05] like you were part

[44:05] of a sandwich?

[44:06] You're right.

[44:09] Checkmate, Dan.

[44:12] Credence and Nagini.

[44:14] Oh, so anyway,

[44:14] because this movie

[44:15] is about to stop

[44:16] being about Newt

[44:16] and start being about

[44:17] the family of

[44:19] Lita Lestrange,

[44:20] which we'll get to.

[44:21] Oh, yeah.

[44:21] So,

[44:21] Credence and Nagini,

[44:22] they find this,

[44:23] the old servant,

[44:24] who was working

[44:25] for his mother,

[44:25] who gave him up

[44:26] for adoption,

[44:27] and then they're

[44:27] attacked by Grimson.

[44:28] Credence fights back

[44:29] by becoming an angry

[44:30] smoke monster.

[44:31] Stuart,

[44:31] now that I know

[44:32] that he has this

[44:32] kind of dark side

[44:33] to him that makes

[44:34] more sense to me,

[44:35] and he just makes

[44:35] them.

[44:37] That scene's a mess.

[44:38] He's just hurling

[44:39] the room at Grimson

[44:40] over and over again,

[44:41] and then Grimson

[44:42] just leaves.

[44:43] And this would be

Dan McCoy

[44:44] cooler, I think,

[44:45] if it was clearer

[44:46] what was going on.

[44:47] Like, again,

[44:48] Dan, you know what?

[44:48] I think the whole movie

Elliott Kalan

[44:50] would follow that rule.

Dan McCoy

[44:52] That's true.

[44:53] Hey, filmmakers,

Elliott Kalan

[44:55] your movies are more

[44:56] exciting when it's clear

[44:57] what's going on.

[44:58] That's why no one goes,

[44:59] hey, that thrill ride

[45:00] last year at Marion Bad,

[45:02] it's a roller coaster.

Dan McCoy

[45:04] I guess I'm trying to say

[45:05] that I feel like the

[45:05] action scenes are

[45:06] particularly poorly

[45:08] choreographed and unclear.

[45:09] Yeah.

[45:10] And I think the idea of

[45:11] a room exploding and

[45:13] then the shards being

[45:14] thrown over and over

[45:15] again at an impenetrable

[45:17] bubble trying to crash

[45:18] into is neat and kind

[45:20] of scary, but it's hard

[45:22] to figure out what's

[45:23] going on for a while.

[45:24] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[45:24] I mean, almost all action

[45:27] scenes are better when

[45:29] it's defined.

[45:31] There's a little more

[45:31] rules definition and

[45:33] knowing what the stakes

[45:34] are and knowing what's

[45:35] going on.

[45:37] That's why I like,

[45:39] you know,

[45:40] like good martial arts

[45:41] movies are the same

[45:42] way.

Elliott Kalan

[45:43] Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[45:44] Yeah.

[45:45] So we find out Grimson

[45:47] is working for Grindelwald

[45:48] and I guess he attacked

[45:50] in order to-

[45:51] Big surprise.

Stuart Wellington

[45:52] They have the same

[45:53] first part of their

[45:54] name.

Elliott Kalan

[45:55] Yeah, all the Grizz

[45:56] work together.

[45:58] The Grindelwald,

[46:00] Grimson, Grimace.

[46:01] Grimace is there too,

[46:02] right?

[46:02] He's one of the bad

[46:03] guys?

[46:03] Yeah.

[46:06] It's unclear what-

[46:07] It's like,

[46:07] is Grimson supposed to

[46:08] be making Credence

[46:10] distrust the ministries

[46:11] by attacking him so that

[46:13] he'll go into the hands

[46:14] of Grindelwald?

[46:15] Like, how does Grimson

[46:15] fit into Grindelwald's

[46:16] plan?

Stuart Wellington

[46:18] It's a very elaborate

[46:20] way, I think,

[46:21] to keep him searching

[46:24] for answers about his

[46:26] background.

[46:26] I guess so.

Elliott Kalan

[46:27] I mean, as it turns out

[46:28] that the maid,

[46:30] or the servant that he

[46:31] was interviewing,

[46:32] it turns out they were

[46:33] talking about different

[46:34] babies the entire time

[46:36] anyway, as the movie

[46:37] goes.

[46:37] Yeah, spoiler.

[46:38] So the whole thing was

[46:38] a spoiler for later in

[46:39] the movie.

[46:40] But you're like,

[46:41] spoiler alert for the

[46:42] movie we're describing

[46:43] in detail right now.

[46:44] In case you're going

[46:45] to listen to this and

[46:46] go watch Grindelwald,

[46:47] you don't want to know

[46:47] what happens.

[46:49] Jacob and Newt,

[46:50] they find that guy that

[46:51] Tina met, and he goes,

[46:52] I'll take you to her,

[46:53] and he imprisons them

[46:54] in a dungeon so he can

[46:55] go kill Credence,

[46:56] but then he drops

[46:57] unconscious and picket,

[46:59] the little plant man

[46:59] opens the gate.

[47:00] So it's one of those

[47:00] moments where you're like,

[47:01] why did any of this

[47:02] just happen?

[47:02] Hold on a second.

[47:03] They were trapped

[47:04] by two seconds.

[47:05] The guy who was going

[47:06] to go kill Credence,

[47:07] I was like, oh,

[47:08] they're going to have

[47:08] to break out and catch

[47:09] him and stop him.

[47:10] No, he literally

[47:11] just drops, I thought,

[47:12] dead for no reason.

Dan McCoy

[47:15] Was that because he

[47:16] had like a parasite in him?

[47:17] I couldn't figure this

[47:18] out.

[47:18] Yeah, we find out later.

Stuart Wellington

[47:19] I think they had to have

[47:21] a way for Newt's commander

[47:23] to save the day again,

[47:24] and that's by pulling

[47:25] strings out of a guy's

[47:27] eyeball.

[47:27] Yeah, he pulls a little

Elliott Kalan

[47:28] worm leech out of the

[47:29] guy's eyeball with a pair

[47:29] of tweezers in the only

[47:31] real body horror moment

[47:32] in the movie.

[47:35] You're disappointed.

[47:36] You're like, I thought

[47:37] this was a Cronenberg film.

Stuart Wellington

[47:39] Yeah, Grindelwald,

[47:40] Cronenberg, they're

[47:41] pretty similar.

[47:42] Yeah, it's like,

[47:43] wouldn't the wands be

[47:44] better if they were

[47:45] fleshy and twitchy?

Elliott Kalan

[47:46] I mean, to be honest.

[47:47] Where are the weird

[47:48] gynecological instruments?

[47:49] Guys, I agree with all

[47:51] of what you're saying

[47:51] right now.

[47:53] I can never get over

[47:54] the fact that the

[47:55] movies are supposed to,

[47:56] the wizards are supposed

[47:56] to be kind of tough

[47:57] and imposing, but they

[47:58] all do their magic by

[48:00] holding out tiny sticks

[48:01] that get narrowed.

[48:02] So they're always like,

[48:03] aha!

[48:04] And they bring out

[48:05] that tiny stick, and

[48:05] every time it's like

[48:06] hilarious looking to me.

[48:09] So it's like if it

[48:11] was like, if the

[48:13] Punisher had a gun

[48:14] that shot noodles,

[48:15] basically, that's what

[48:16] it feels like to me.

[48:17] And he's like, I'm

[48:18] going to punish you.

[48:19] By hitting you 50

[48:20] times with the wet

[48:21] noodle, and he's just

[48:21] shooting noodles at

[48:22] people.

[48:23] So Newt tames that

[48:25] lion serpent beast that

[48:26] escaped from the circus

[48:26] and stuffs it in his

[48:27] suitcase.

[48:29] Hey, is that lion serpent?

Stuart Wellington

[48:30] I kind of like that

[48:31] fantastic beast.

Elliott Kalan

[48:32] It's a cool fantastic

[48:33] beast.

[48:34] It is genuinely

[48:35] fantastic.

[48:36] And I bet you like it

[48:37] because it acts like a

[48:38] cat.

Stuart Wellington

[48:38] Yeah.

[48:39] All you need to...

[48:40] Whereas for you, that

[48:41] signals a thing that

[48:42] will give you way too

[48:44] much attention and you

[48:45] are allergic to.

Elliott Kalan

[48:46] Exactly.

[48:47] It would love me and

[48:47] I'd be sneezing the

[48:48] whole time.

[48:48] Oh, forget about it.

[48:50] Finally, we go to where

[48:50] we always want to go.

[48:52] Hogwarts.

[48:52] Just like your wife.

[48:53] Wait, what?

Dan McCoy

[48:54] Just like your wife.

[48:55] She loves you, but

[48:57] unfortunately she makes

[48:59] you sneeze constantly.

[48:59] Well, only because she

Elliott Kalan

[49:01] uses a pepper-based

[49:02] deodorant.

Stuart Wellington

[49:04] Yeah, this is another

[49:06] one of those scenes

[49:07] while I like this

[49:08] fantastic beast, they

[49:10] were like right at the

[49:11] end of one scene and

[49:12] they hear a roar and

[49:13] he's like, oh, that

[49:14] must be the monster.

[49:15] And then all of a

[49:16] sudden they're just in

[49:16] the street and people

[49:17] are like freaking out

[49:18] because a monster is

[49:19] breaking shit.

[49:19] Yeah, here's something

[49:21] that I want to ask.

Elliott Kalan

[49:22] The movie is like, the

[49:24] movie knows that Newt

[49:25] has no idea what he's

[49:26] doing.

[49:26] So the movie's like,

[49:26] let's just keep

[49:27] throwing things at him.

[49:28] We'll just keep

[49:28] things going.

[49:29] Here's the thing that

Dan McCoy

[49:30] I was unclear on.

[49:31] Yeah.

[49:31] So like much of the

[49:33] first movie is

[49:33] concerned with how

[49:34] they have to keep

[49:35] magic a secret from

[49:37] the muggles.

[49:38] Constantly in this

[49:39] movie, big things are

[49:40] happening out, like

[49:42] magic things are

[49:42] happening in the world

[49:43] and no one seems to

[49:44] be concerned and I'm

[49:44] like, are there just

[49:45] wizards around or

[49:46] like normal people

[49:46] seeing this?

[49:47] I don't know what's

[49:48] happening.

Elliott Kalan

[49:48] I wasn't sure what

[49:49] things were happening

[49:50] in real Paris and

[49:51] what things were

[49:52] happening in magic

[49:52] Paris that you get

[49:53] to by walking

[49:54] through a statues

[49:55] pedestal.

[49:56] So like some of

[49:56] that.

Stuart Wellington

[49:57] Is it like walking

[49:57] through the portal

[49:58] in City in the City

[49:59] by China Mieville?

Elliott Kalan

[50:01] Yeah, exactly.

[50:02] That's probably what

Stuart Wellington

[50:02] they were thinking

[50:03] about when they made it.

[50:03] Like an Eastern

[50:04] European city sharing

[50:06] the same dimensional

[50:07] space as a Western

[50:08] European city-ish but

[50:10] they cross over in

[50:12] some weird places and

[50:13] you can see kind of

[50:14] silhouettes of the

[50:15] other city.

[50:15] It's really great.

[50:16] It's a great story.

[50:16] What kind of

[50:17] beasts are in and

[50:17] are they fantastic?

[50:19] Well, I mean, the

[50:20] beasts are humans

[50:21] because they act

[50:22] terrible to each

[50:23] other and it's all

[50:24] about a murder.

Elliott Kalan

[50:26] Okay.

[50:27] But you're right,

[50:27] Dan.

[50:27] It's like, well,

[50:28] it's kind of a, I

[50:29] mean, to be honest,

[50:30] I don't understand

[50:31] why the wizards need

[50:32] to keep themselves a

[50:33] secret.

[50:34] Why do they, are they

[50:35] like...

Dan McCoy

[50:35] Because humans can't

[50:37] know that gods walk

[50:38] amongst them.

[50:39] I have no idea.

[50:41] Oh, wow, that's

Elliott Kalan

[50:41] Grindelwald talk.

[50:42] Yeah, but also the

[50:44] world would be so

[50:45] much easier to

[50:46] understand if wizards

[50:48] were like, hey, we're

[50:49] around, magic exists,

[50:50] this is how we use it,

[50:51] some people can, some

[50:52] people can't.

[50:53] That's just the way

[50:54] that, you know what,

[50:55] all the religions that

[50:56] everybody has been

[50:57] fighting wars over for

[50:58] thousands of years,

[50:59] let's just settle that

[51:00] right now.

[51:00] Magic exists and

[51:01] that's how it works.

[51:02] So now you know

[51:03] what to believe in.

[51:04] It's like, it's the

[51:05] same way that like

[51:06] any movie, and it's

[51:07] because it's for like

[51:08] budget reasons, I

[51:09] guess, or to set it

[51:10] in the real world, but

[51:11] any movie where

[51:11] there's like vampires

[51:12] or werewolves or

[51:13] monsters, and they're

[51:14] like, we must keep

[51:16] ourselves a secret for

[51:17] the humans will never

[51:18] understand.

[51:18] It's like, well, why

[51:19] don't you explain it to

[51:20] them, and then maybe

[51:22] they'd understand it.

[51:23] Like, I don't.

Stuart Wellington

[51:23] Well, that's kind of

[51:23] what, that's in a way

[51:25] the, the, what Marvel

[51:26] traded on with the end

[51:28] of the first Iron Man

[51:30] movie to have Iron Man

[51:31] just reveal that he's

[51:32] Iron Man.

[51:32] Yeah.

[51:32] Because you're so

[51:33] trained by all other

[51:34] genre media to be

[51:35] like, oh, they have to

[51:37] keep this shit secret.

Dan McCoy

[51:38] Yeah.

[51:39] Well, it's similar to.

[51:39] What a great moment

[51:40] when you were in the

[51:41] theater when you first

[51:42] saw that.

[51:43] Oh, yeah.

[51:43] Come on.

Elliott Kalan

[51:43] It was wonderful.

[51:44] And you were like,

[51:44] what?

[51:45] Huh?

[51:46] Yep.

[51:47] And then he slipped

[51:49] on his sunglasses and

[51:49] it went, wow!

[51:52] CSI Miami.

Stuart Wellington

[51:55] And I'm, I'm just

[51:56] lucky that there

[51:56] wasn't popcorn in my

[51:58] popcorn bucket because

[51:59] it just flew up in the

[52:00] air.

[52:00] I was so excited.

[52:01] From your erection?

[52:02] Well, my erection,

[52:03] which had long gone

[52:04] flaccid after I,

[52:06] after I'd eaten all the

[52:08] popcorn and it just

[52:09] sat there unused

[52:10] for like an hour and

[52:11] a half.

[52:12] Wait, so hold on.

[52:13] So like, had you,

[52:14] had you prepared,

Elliott Kalan

[52:15] had you prepared,

[52:17] had you prepared an

[52:18] erection just in case

[52:19] you might find a use

[52:20] for it?

[52:21] And then it, you were

[52:21] like.

Stuart Wellington

[52:22] No, I went there with a

[52:23] date, but my date left

[52:24] early on in the movie

[52:25] because she had already

[52:26] seen Iron Man and

[52:27] didn't want to watch it

[52:28] again for some reason.

[52:29] I mean, I've watched

[52:30] that multiple times in a

[52:31] row.

Dan McCoy

[52:32] Yeah.

[52:33] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[52:34] Let's get off this.

[52:35] We go to Hogwarts.

[52:36] Get off Stuart's

[52:37] election.

[52:38] And the ministry

[52:39] busts in and they're

[52:40] like, Dumbledore, we

[52:42] need you to fight

[52:42] Grindelwald.

[52:42] And he goes, I can't.

[52:45] And he gets put under

[52:46] house magic arrest.

[52:47] They put magic cuffs

[52:48] on him.

[52:48] And while they're

[52:49] there, we enter the

[52:50] longest flashback

[52:52] sequence that I was

[52:53] not expecting where

[52:54] Lita Lestrange, who I

[52:56] assume is there because

[52:57] she has a job to do,

[52:58] she's just wandering

[52:58] around and she looks at

[52:59] some old desks and

[53:00] remembers being a

[53:01] student there and how

[53:03] she was very lonely

[53:03] and made a boy's

[53:04] mouth disappear with a

[53:05] spell.

[53:06] And then she bonded

[53:07] with young Scamander

[53:08] while he was taking

[53:08] care of a baby raven.

[53:10] And I was like, okay,

[53:11] flashback over.

[53:12] No, the flashback

[53:13] continues because then

[53:14] later in class,

[53:15] Dumbledore has them

[53:16] confronting their

[53:18] greatest fear in front

[53:19] of everybody, which

[53:20] seems like a real.

[53:21] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[53:22] They're confronting a

[53:23] boggart, which is like

[53:24] a creature that

[53:25] manifests itself as

[53:26] your greatest fear.

Stuart Wellington

[53:27] But it seems like.

[53:28] Something that's in the,

[53:29] I think it was

[53:30] introduced in what,

[53:30] Prisoner of Azkaban

[53:31] maybe?

[53:31] I'm not as big

[53:33] a pothead as you.

[53:34] Yeah, I'm a huge

[53:35] pothead.

[53:36] But like, it is, it is

[53:38] weird to watch it.

[53:40] Like, imagine being

[53:41] with a group of other

[53:42] like teenagers or

[53:43] pre-teenagers and have

[53:44] to confront the thing

[53:45] you're most frightened

[53:46] of.

[53:46] I mean, I'm assuming

[53:47] they would all be like

[53:48] either other kids

[53:49] laughing at you or

[53:50] something that you

[53:51] would much rather not

[53:52] people see.

[53:53] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[53:53] It seems like a huge

[53:55] like break of, you

[53:57] know, the confidentiality

[53:58] you should have as a

[53:59] human being to be

[54:00] like, everybody, let's

[54:01] see what everybody's

[54:02] greatest fear is.

[54:03] Unless this is like

[54:04] one of those acting

[54:04] classes where they're

[54:05] like, look, if you're

[54:06] going to really act,

[54:07] you have to be

[54:08] emotionally naked

[54:09] before the audience.

[54:10] So first, let's be

[54:11] emotionally naked

[54:12] before the class and

[54:13] physically.

[54:14] Take off your

[54:14] clothes, everybody.

[54:15] And then the police

[54:16] come in and go,

[54:16] we're shutting down

[54:17] this acting class.

[54:18] This is not okay.

[54:20] Okay, where are the

[54:21] hidden cameras?

[54:22] What hidden cameras?

[54:23] There, there, there.

[54:24] And all the students

[54:25] are like putting their

[54:26] clothes back on and

[54:26] they're like, this is

[54:27] ridiculous.

[54:28] Meisner method.

Stuart Wellington

[54:31] So yeah, we see

[54:32] Lita's greatest fear

[54:34] is, I guess, a baby

[54:36] wrapped in a sheet.

[54:38] Yeah, well, you don't

[54:38] quite see what it is

[54:39] yet.

Dan McCoy

[54:40] It looks human.

[54:41] You just know that

[54:42] it's human.

[54:42] Yeah, but it looks

[54:43] like a human shaped

[54:45] like cloth kind of

[54:46] fluttering around.

[54:47] So I thought she was

Elliott Kalan

[54:48] afraid of Cirque du Soleil

[54:49] is what I got from

[54:50] that.

[54:50] Yeah, yeah.

[54:50] And Newt's greatest

[54:51] fear is working in an

[54:53] office and so he turns

[54:53] a desk into a dragon

[54:55] and Dumbledore is like,

[54:56] excellent, excellent,

[54:57] how droll, wonderful.

[54:59] It's like, I get it.

[55:01] Okay, fine.

[55:03] And so the flashback

[55:05] is finally over.

[55:05] In the present,

[55:06] Dumbledore shows up

[55:07] and they both talk

[55:08] about how they've lost

[55:09] people in their lives

[55:10] but she's all, hey,

[55:11] you don't know the real

[55:11] me and they do not

[55:13] become friends.

[55:15] Queenie meets

[55:16] Grindelwald.

[55:18] Nothing much happens

[55:19] after that.

[55:20] Okay.

[55:20] And then,

Stuart Wellington

[55:20] I mean, he explained

[55:22] like, so her drive

[55:23] is that she wants

[55:24] to be able to marry

[55:25] a non-wizard.

[55:26] Yeah.

[55:27] So he kind of plays

[55:28] on that.

[55:29] He's like, he clearly

[55:30] sees that she's like

[55:31] an Anakin Skywalker

[55:33] has anyone ever told

[55:34] you the story

[55:34] of Darth Plagueis?

[55:36] Yeah, but I didn't

Dan McCoy

[55:37] quite get this though

[55:39] because like,

[55:40] Grindelwald's whole

[55:41] thing is the

[55:42] superiority

[55:43] of the wizard race

[55:45] but somehow

[55:46] he plays on Queenie

[55:47] being like,

[55:48] under me,

[55:49] you'll be able to

[55:49] marry your muggle

[55:50] boyfriend and it's

[55:51] like, well,

[55:51] that doesn't

[55:52] follow at all.

Stuart Wellington

[55:54] I mean,

[55:54] he's supposed to be

[55:54] very convincing.

[55:55] I mean,

[55:56] that's the one thing

[55:57] they mentioned about

[55:58] him at the beginning.

[55:59] No, I know.

Dan McCoy

[56:00] It just seemed like

[56:01] a weird,

[56:02] I would understand

[56:04] it much more

[56:05] if it was just

[56:05] clear that he put

[56:06] a spell on her

[56:07] or something.

[56:08] I mean,

Elliott Kalan

[56:08] what could have

[56:09] made,

[56:10] I mean,

[56:10] they could have

[56:10] started,

[56:11] maybe put that

[56:11] Screamin' J. Hawkins

[56:12] song on,

[56:13] I put a spell on you

[56:14] and she's like,

[56:15] oh, I get it,

[56:15] okay.

[56:16] But I think,

Stuart Wellington

[56:17] they're either

[56:18] making him

[56:20] like,

[56:21] so powerful

[56:22] at convincing

[56:24] people of stuff

[56:24] or they're just

[56:25] making her

[56:26] an evil,

[56:27] bad person.

Elliott Kalan

[56:28] Yeah.

[56:28] I mean,

[56:28] the thing is,

[56:29] Queenie does not

[56:30] strike me and this

[56:31] is not to cast

[56:31] dispersions on her.

[56:32] She's not the

[56:33] brightest bulb

[56:33] in the bunch.

[56:34] And so,

[56:34] I don't think

[56:35] she is so adept

[56:37] at poking holes

[56:38] in ideological

[56:39] inconsistencies.

[56:41] So,

Elliott Kalan

[56:41] but she needs

[56:42] to debate.

[56:43] So you're saying

[56:43] that the force

Dan McCoy

[56:44] exerts power

[56:45] on weak minds.

Elliott Kalan

[56:46] Exactly.

[56:47] Thank you.

[56:47] Yes,

[56:48] it's all Star Wars

[56:49] in the end.

[56:49] But then we come to

[56:50] maybe my favorite

[56:51] part of the movie

[56:51] for the wrong reasons

[56:52] where Dumbledore

[56:53] stands in front

[56:54] of a magic mirror

[56:54] and remembers

[56:55] his relationship

[56:56] with Grindelwald

[56:57] when they were young

[56:58] and it's shot

[56:59] like the Total Eclipse

[57:00] of the Heart music video.

[57:03] I'm like,

[57:03] oh,

[57:04] you could so easily

[57:05] remove this section

[57:06] and just put an 80s

[57:07] nostalgia lost love

[57:09] ballad over it

[57:10] and it would look

[57:11] exactly the same.

Stuart Wellington

[57:12] Whereas like

[57:12] walking through

[57:13] a loft apartment

[57:14] that has a lot of

[57:15] blowing curtains.

[57:16] Exactly.

[57:17] But also I feel like

Dan McCoy

[57:18] in this sequence

[57:19] like you're,

[57:20] I felt like,

[57:22] all right,

[57:22] we all know

[57:23] that Dumbledore's

[57:23] gay at this point.

[57:24] Like it's been

[57:25] like widely reported

[57:26] that J.K. Rowling

[57:27] was like,

[57:28] okay,

[57:28] canonically Dumbledore's

[57:29] gay.

[57:29] But the movie

[57:30] seems scared

[57:32] of like explicitly

[57:33] being like,

[57:34] hey,

[57:34] he and

[57:35] Crumble

[57:35] wand

[57:36] like had a

[57:37] relationship together.

[57:38] I feel like there's,

Stuart Wellington

[57:40] I feel like they're

[57:40] kind of saving it

[57:41] for the third movie.

[57:43] Could be.

[57:43] I want to make

[57:44] that into a big reveal

[57:45] and it,

[57:46] A,

[57:46] shouldn't be a big reveal

[57:47] and B,

[57:48] like it's already

[57:49] been revealed.

[57:50] People know.

Elliott Kalan

[57:50] Yeah,

[57:50] I mean,

[57:51] didn't she say

[57:51] that they had

[57:52] an intense

[57:52] sexual relationship?

Dan McCoy

[57:53] Yes,

[57:54] but that was like

[57:55] off to the side.

[57:56] It's not in the

[57:56] fucking movie.

[57:58] Seems like the movie's

[57:58] scared of it.

Stuart Wellington

[57:59] She also said

[58:00] something about

[58:00] how like the reason

[58:01] he didn't stop

[58:03] Voldemort is because

[58:04] he was like

[58:06] romantically attracted

[58:07] to him or something

[58:09] he was like a kid,

[58:10] right?

[58:10] Like that's fucked up.

[58:11] Well,

Elliott Kalan

[58:11] it's also,

[58:12] it's all the worst.

[58:13] She's playing into

[58:13] all the worst stereotypes

[58:14] of the people

[58:15] who didn't want

[58:16] gay people to fight

[58:17] in the military

[58:17] where they were like,

[58:18] how are they going

[58:19] to be able to shoot

[58:20] the enemy soldiers

[58:20] when they're so

[58:21] attracted to them?

[58:22] Which was like,

[58:24] we want them to kill

[58:25] not to kiss.

[58:26] Like for the idea

[58:27] that Dumbledore

[58:28] is always like,

[58:29] well,

[58:29] I'm the most powerful

[58:30] wizard in the world.

[58:30] I guess I'll stop

[58:31] this bad guy.

[58:32] Hello,

[58:33] sailor.

[58:33] Well,

[58:34] well.

[58:35] Mmm.

[58:36] Dumbie like.

[58:37] Well.

[58:38] How about a taste

[58:39] of his wand?

[58:40] Oh,

[58:41] too bad.

[58:41] Oh,

[58:42] naughty.

[58:42] I basically

[58:43] just turned him

[58:44] into like a British

[58:45] sitcom's idea

[58:46] of a gay person.

[58:48] But it feels like.

[58:49] the only gay

[58:49] in the village

[58:50] type thing.

[58:50] Yeah,

[58:51] the idea that,

[58:51] the idea that he's,

[58:53] he's,

[58:53] he's totally disarmed

[58:54] and it's,

[58:55] although it's such

[58:56] an old trope,

[58:57] now I'm turning on,

[58:58] now I'm,

[58:59] now I'm disagreeing

[59:00] with myself.

[59:00] It's such an old trope

[59:01] to have like the seductress

[59:03] queen,

[59:03] like a Morgan Le Fay

[59:04] type,

[59:05] who can,

[59:05] who can bend men

[59:07] to her will

[59:07] because she's so alluring.

[59:09] Maybe J.K. Rowling

[59:10] is just positing that,

[59:11] that these are like,

[59:12] this is just a,

[59:13] a non-heterosexual

[59:15] normative way

[59:16] of having these villains

[59:18] who are like,

[59:19] so powerfully attractive

[59:20] that they disarm

[59:22] the hero.

[59:22] Except,

[59:23] when it's Johnny Depp

[59:25] and he looks like

[59:25] an old Mr. Whipple

[59:27] who like,

[59:28] got it,

[59:28] you know,

[59:29] who stumbled into

[59:30] a punk barber shop

[59:31] and got his hair done

[59:32] oh,

[59:32] how will the wife

[59:33] think about this?

[59:34] like,

[59:34] maybe it doesn't,

[59:35] maybe it doesn't work

[59:35] quite the same way.

[59:36] Yeah,

Dan McCoy

[59:36] it's like a skinny

[59:37] Julian Assange

[59:38] with cataracts.

Elliott Kalan

[59:39] Also,

[59:40] that they were kids

[59:41] at the same time,

[59:42] I guess,

[59:42] but Dumbledore

[59:43] has aged so much

[59:44] better than Grindelwald.

[59:45] Maybe that's just

[59:45] good,

[59:46] clean living,

[59:46] but,

[59:47] yeah,

[59:47] yeah.

[59:48] I don't know,

[59:49] but anyway,

[59:49] so,

[59:49] so anyway,

[59:51] they have that

[59:51] great music video

[59:52] love affair.

[59:54] But they're doing

Dan McCoy

[59:55] like a blood brother

[59:56] thing,

[59:59] which is important.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:00] Yes.

[1:00:00] Yeah,

[1:00:01] their blood

[1:00:02] like,

[1:00:02] flies up into the air

[1:00:03] and then magically

[1:00:05] turns into a little locket,

[1:00:07] which,

[1:00:07] I don't know,

[1:00:08] like,

[1:00:08] I feel like so much

[1:00:09] of this,

[1:00:10] for a movie that doesn't,

[1:00:10] And then Angelina Jolie

[1:00:11] comes out

[1:00:12] and puts it around her.

[1:00:13] She's like,

[1:00:14] another one

[1:00:14] from my collection.

[1:00:17] But there's,

[1:00:18] so much of the movie

[1:00:19] feels like

[1:00:20] it's stuffed with characters,

[1:00:22] but it doesn't give

[1:00:22] any character

[1:00:23] actually a full arc.

[1:00:25] But,

[1:00:26] anytime there's an opportunity

[1:00:27] to have

[1:00:28] both characters

[1:00:30] and the audience

[1:00:30] like,

[1:00:31] gasp in awe

[1:00:32] at special effects,

[1:00:34] it seems to take it.

[1:00:35] Like,

[1:00:35] everybody seems so interested

[1:00:37] in watching a fucking

[1:00:38] feather fly around.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:40] I mean,

[1:00:42] a best picture winning movie

[1:00:43] was about that.

[1:00:44] It's called

[1:00:45] Forrest Gump.

[1:00:46] Uh-huh,

[1:00:47] yeah,

[1:00:47] you're right.

[1:00:47] Uh,

[1:00:48] but,

[1:00:48] uh,

[1:00:49] so Newt pulls that worm

[1:00:50] out of that guy's eye

[1:00:51] and then Tina,

[1:00:52] because for no reason,

[1:00:53] she's just like,

[1:00:54] well,

[1:00:54] you've got it all in hand,

[1:00:55] I'm gonna leave now.

[1:00:56] Like,

[1:00:56] it's just because

[1:00:57] they need them

[1:00:58] to leave the room,

[1:00:59] basically.

[1:01:00] Uh,

[1:01:00] Newt goes after Tina

[1:01:01] and she says,

[1:01:02] I know you hate aurors

[1:01:03] and he goes,

[1:01:04] no,

[1:01:04] I think you're a good auror

[1:01:05] and they see magic

[1:01:06] black drapes

[1:01:07] flying around everywhere

[1:01:08] and Tina goes,

[1:01:09] Grindelwald is calling

[1:01:10] his followers

[1:01:11] and everyone's

[1:01:12] kind of laid back

[1:01:13] about it.

[1:01:13] No one seems that worried

[1:01:14] that Grindelwald

[1:01:15] is sending out

[1:01:15] this huge message.

[1:01:16] Why is he doing it now?

[1:01:18] I don't know.

[1:01:18] But Grindelwald

[1:01:19] has found Credence

[1:01:20] and rather than,

[1:01:21] it's,

[1:01:22] this movie is like

[1:01:23] edging us constantly

[1:01:24] because Grindelwald

[1:01:26] is like,

[1:01:27] Credence is like,

[1:01:28] tell me about

[1:01:28] my true identity

[1:01:29] and Grindelwald goes,

[1:01:30] no,

[1:01:30] but here's a map

[1:01:31] to a tomb

[1:01:32] where you'll find

[1:01:33] the information

[1:01:33] and I'll meet you

[1:01:34] there tonight.

[1:01:35] and it's like,

[1:01:36] dude,

[1:01:36] you're right there.

[1:01:37] Like,

[1:01:37] just tell him already.

[1:01:38] Another fetch quest?

[1:01:41] Like,

[1:01:41] first,

[1:01:42] you need to go

[1:01:42] to the cemetery

[1:01:43] in Paris

[1:01:43] to find a Pokemon Go

[1:01:45] that's over there

[1:01:46] and once you capture

[1:01:48] Charizard,

[1:01:49] I'll reveal myself

[1:01:50] to you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:51] Oh,

[1:01:52] wow,

[1:01:52] he's got to be

[1:01:52] fast with those balls.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:56] So,

[1:01:56] Jacob,

[1:01:57] meanwhile,

[1:01:58] he loses,

[1:01:59] he loses the other guy,

[1:02:00] the guy who is trying

[1:02:01] to kill Credence

[1:02:02] and meets an elderly

[1:02:03] alchemist named

[1:02:04] Phlamel,

[1:02:04] who I guess is a,

[1:02:05] is referenced

[1:02:06] in the Harry Potter books

[1:02:07] or what?

[1:02:07] Yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:08] he's the alchemist

[1:02:09] who made the

[1:02:09] Philosopher's Stone

[1:02:10] from the first,

[1:02:12] from the first

[1:02:13] Harry Potter book.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:14] And this character,

[1:02:15] he is such a Tom Bombadil type,

[1:02:17] he's just kind of like,

[1:02:18] hops around

[1:02:18] being like an eccentric goof

[1:02:20] and,

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:21] and he shows Jacob

[1:02:22] his Palantir.

[1:02:24] Yeah,

[1:02:24] and he looks like

[1:02:24] Miracle Max from,

[1:02:26] he sees dread knowledge.

[1:02:28] Dan,

[1:02:29] what were you saying?

Dan McCoy

[1:02:30] Oh,

[1:02:30] he looks like Miracle Max

[1:02:31] from Princess Bride.

[1:02:32] Yeah,

[1:02:33] he does.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:33] I was like,

[1:02:34] there was part of me

[1:02:34] that was like,

[1:02:35] oh,

[1:02:35] okay,

[1:02:35] so if Robin Williams

[1:02:36] was alive,

[1:02:36] he would have played

[1:02:37] this character.

[1:02:37] Like,

[1:02:38] that's,

[1:02:38] he's very much that guy.

[1:02:41] And I know Miracle Max

[1:02:42] was played by Billy Crystal.

[1:02:43] It's the same type of character.

[1:02:43] They do the same stuff.

[1:02:44] Okay.

[1:02:45] So,

[1:02:46] they look in that,

[1:02:46] in the Palantir

[1:02:47] and they,

[1:02:48] and he shows Jacob

[1:02:49] that Queenie's going to be

[1:02:50] at the cemetery.

[1:02:51] Jacob's like,

[1:02:51] that's all I need to know.

[1:02:53] And then,

[1:02:53] and Flamel is like,

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:54] just like a Palantir,

[1:02:57] it leads,

[1:02:57] it can lead you astray

[1:02:58] like Denethor

[1:02:59] and Saruman

[1:03:00] were both led astray.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:01] Yeah,

[1:03:02] so it's the words

[1:03:03] right out of my mouth.

[1:03:06] And,

[1:03:06] but then it shows

[1:03:07] that there's going to be,

[1:03:08] bad stuff is going to happen

[1:03:10] because,

[1:03:10] because Grindelwald

[1:03:12] is going to hold a rally

[1:03:13] in the cemetery.

[1:03:14] And then a magic,

[1:03:15] and then,

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:15] we basically see like

[1:03:16] a sped up version

[1:03:17] of the end of the movie

[1:03:18] in the Palantir.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:18] Kind of.

[1:03:19] And then Flamel takes down

[1:03:20] a magic book

[1:03:21] and the magic book

[1:03:22] talks to him and says,

[1:03:22] you've got to go deal with this.

[1:03:24] And it's like,

[1:03:24] why didn't,

[1:03:25] why do we have to see any of this?

[1:03:26] Why didn't he just go also?

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:28] I feel like you're,

[1:03:29] you're doing that magic book

[1:03:30] a disservice

[1:03:32] by not mentioning

[1:03:32] the person in that magic book

[1:03:34] that talks to him

[1:03:35] is both of your former co-worker,

[1:03:37] Jessica Williams.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:38] Oh,

[1:03:39] you know what?

[1:03:39] I did not even recognize her.

[1:03:40] Here's the thing.

[1:03:42] What's the last place

[1:03:43] I expected to see Jessica pop up?

[1:03:45] Inside a magic book

[1:03:46] in a Fantastic Beasts movie?

[1:03:47] Yes.

[1:03:48] But also,

[1:03:48] Fancy,

[1:03:49] fancy seeing you here.

[1:03:50] But I know she's also friends

[1:03:52] with J.K. Rowling

[1:03:52] because I think they share a birthday.

[1:03:55] Oh,

[1:03:55] cool.

[1:03:56] So,

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:56] yeah,

[1:03:58] maybe Jessica's the one

[1:03:59] who's given her

[1:04:00] all these great ideas.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:02] I would never,

[1:04:02] no,

[1:04:03] Jessica's way too smart

[1:04:03] to do that.

[1:04:04] No,

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:04] but maybe she's doing it

[1:04:05] as like a funny,

[1:04:06] like a funny game thing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:08] Like a gag.

[1:04:09] She's been pranking J.K.

[1:04:11] all these years.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:12] Like years later,

[1:04:13] she's going to be like,

[1:04:14] J.K.,

[1:04:14] those were all terrible ideas.

[1:04:16] I kept,

[1:04:16] I kept fucking with you.

[1:04:18] I kept expecting you

[1:04:18] to catch on.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:19] But sometimes,

[1:04:20] like sometimes your friends

[1:04:21] don't give you the best advice

[1:04:23] and things,

[1:04:23] you know?

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:24] She's like,

[1:04:25] J.K.,

[1:04:25] this time I was the one,

[1:04:27] J.K.,

[1:04:27] just kidding.

[1:04:29] Yeah.

[1:04:29] You shouldn't have done

[1:04:30] any of that stuff.

[1:04:31] And I imagine the whole time

[1:04:32] she's like,

[1:04:33] okay,

[1:04:33] next you should have

[1:04:34] these characters,

[1:04:35] you should have,

[1:04:36] Newt should be the hero

[1:04:37] of the movie,

[1:04:37] but he shouldn't really

[1:04:38] do very much

[1:04:39] and instead spend a lot

[1:04:40] of time on this other

[1:04:41] character's parentage.

[1:04:42] And J.K. Rowling

[1:04:43] will be like,

[1:04:43] I wrote the best-selling

[1:04:44] book series in the history

[1:04:45] of books,

[1:04:46] but okay,

[1:04:47] I'll take your advice.

[1:04:47] It doesn't sound like

[1:04:48] good storytelling to me,

[1:04:49] but okay.

[1:04:51] Anyway,

[1:04:52] so I feel bad

[1:04:53] I didn't see that

[1:04:54] it was Jessica.

[1:04:54] Anyway,

[1:04:55] Newt disguised himself

[1:04:56] as Theseus,

[1:04:57] his brother,

[1:04:57] to get into the ministry.

[1:04:58] That disguise

[1:04:59] almost instantly.

[1:05:02] And they want to get

[1:05:02] Credence's records.

[1:05:04] Theseus seems to think

[1:05:05] that Credence

[1:05:06] is Lita's lost brother

[1:05:07] and his boss

[1:05:08] tells Theseus

[1:05:10] to arrest everyone

[1:05:11] at the rally

[1:05:11] and Theseus is like,

[1:05:13] no,

[1:05:13] if we push too hard,

[1:05:15] it'll just push more people

[1:05:16] into Grindelwald's hands

[1:05:17] and they're like,

[1:05:18] forget about it.

[1:05:19] And Theseus almost

[1:05:20] stops Tina and Newt,

[1:05:21] but Tina casts a spell

[1:05:22] that ties him to a chair

[1:05:24] much like Dana

[1:05:25] gets grabbed to that chair

[1:05:26] with the arms

[1:05:27] and Ghostbusters.

[1:05:28] But then Theseus,

[1:05:30] I guess,

[1:05:30] frees himself

[1:05:31] between scenes

[1:05:32] because later

[1:05:32] we just see him

[1:05:33] and he seems fine.

[1:05:35] And then it cut to

[1:05:36] It's Night at the Seminary.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:36] Unlike Dana

[1:05:38] in Ghostbusters

[1:05:39] who is definitely

[1:05:40] not fine.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:41] She is not fine.

[1:05:41] She gets taken over

[1:05:42] by,

[1:05:43] is it the gatekeeper?

[1:05:44] Yeah.

[1:05:44] Because she's waiting

[1:05:45] for the key master.

[1:05:47] And so,

[1:05:49] man,

[1:05:49] Ghostbusters.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:49] Which I did not realize

[1:05:50] was a dirty joke

[1:05:51] until I was an adult.

[1:05:53] And then I was like,

[1:05:53] weird.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:54] What's the dirty joke?

[1:05:56] Nothing.

[1:05:57] I'll explain sex

[1:05:58] to you later, Stuart.

[1:05:59] I mean,

[1:05:59] it's halfway a dirty joke

[1:06:01] and halfway like

[1:06:01] a real magic thing.

[1:06:03] Yeah.

[1:06:04] It's also,

[1:06:04] I mean,

[1:06:05] it's more of a dirty joke

[1:06:06] in that Madonna song

[1:06:07] where she talks about

[1:06:08] open your heart to me,

[1:06:09] I have the lock

[1:06:10] and you turn the key.

[1:06:11] Yeah.

[1:06:12] Which always made me think.

[1:06:13] Oh.

[1:06:15] And it made me think

[1:06:16] that she was.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:17] Stuart just became a man.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:19] Now the thing is.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:20] He was never bar mitzvahed

[1:06:21] so it had to happen sometime.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:23] I was doing an impression

[1:06:25] of J.K. Rowling

[1:06:26] when Jessica Williams

[1:06:27] explains the J.K.

[1:06:29] just kidding thing.

[1:06:29] J.K. Rowling's like,

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:31] that's what that means.

[1:06:32] All this time

[1:06:33] I've discovered

[1:06:34] my true parentage.

[1:06:36] So,

[1:06:37] when she says,

[1:06:38] now,

[1:06:38] maybe I'm doing sex wrong

[1:06:39] but I don't usually

[1:06:40] do a lot of turning.

[1:06:41] So,

[1:06:42] when she says,

[1:06:43] you turn the key.

[1:06:44] No, you're supposed

Dan McCoy

[1:06:44] to rotate.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:46] Like,

[1:06:46] how do I do,

[1:06:47] like,

[1:06:47] skitter around

[1:06:48] like a spider?

[1:06:49] But I don't understand.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:50] That's what a lazy Susan

[1:06:51] is for.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:53] Oh.

[1:06:53] So,

[1:06:54] it's Susan

[1:06:54] who's supposed

[1:06:55] to do the turning.

[1:06:56] All right.

[1:06:56] Okay.

[1:06:58] Very complicated.

[1:06:59] You know,

[1:07:00] guys,

[1:07:00] there's no weird way

[1:07:01] to do it.

[1:07:01] It turns out.

[1:07:04] So,

[1:07:04] so,

[1:07:06] there's a scene

[1:07:06] that is so inexplicable

[1:07:08] where Jacob

[1:07:08] is in this tomb

[1:07:09] that everyone

[1:07:10] seems to go to

[1:07:10] without seeing each other

[1:07:11] and someone

[1:07:12] with a wand

[1:07:13] is like,

[1:07:13] hey,

[1:07:14] stop right there.

[1:07:15] And I don't think

[1:07:15] we ever find out

[1:07:17] who that person

[1:07:17] was with the wand.

[1:07:18] No.

[1:07:18] Because it doesn't

[1:07:18] match up with any

[1:07:19] of the scenes

[1:07:20] that occur later.

[1:07:22] Yeah,

[1:07:22] it's crazy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:23] And it's,

[1:07:24] he disappears

[1:07:25] and then reappears later.

[1:07:27] I mean,

[1:07:27] I guess magic exists.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:30] But it's,

[1:07:30] if ever there was a scene

[1:07:31] where the movie

[1:07:32] would have been made better

[1:07:33] if you excised

[1:07:34] that moment

[1:07:34] and no one

[1:07:35] would have noticed.

[1:07:36] I was just so baffled

[1:07:37] by it.

[1:07:38] But anyway,

[1:07:39] Newt,

[1:07:39] in the ministry,

[1:07:40] in the records room,

[1:07:41] which they get into

[1:07:42] amazingly easily.

[1:07:42] They go up to the old lady

[1:07:44] who runs the records room

[1:07:45] who's essentially

[1:07:45] the same old lady

[1:07:46] who runs the archives

[1:07:47] at the Jedi Academy

[1:07:48] in the Star Wars prequels.

[1:07:49] And they're like,

[1:07:50] yeah,

[1:07:50] we're here to find the records

[1:07:51] for Lita Lestrange.

[1:07:52] I'm Lita

[1:07:53] and this is my fiance.

[1:07:55] You'd think that what,

[1:07:56] you'd think that Theseus'

[1:07:57] co-worker

[1:07:57] and Lita's co-worker

[1:07:59] would maybe recognize them

[1:08:00] and know they're engaged.

[1:08:01] But instead,

[1:08:02] and she doesn't even ask them

[1:08:03] for ID.

[1:08:03] She's just like,

[1:08:04] in the back.

[1:08:05] And I was like,

[1:08:06] not a lot of security

[1:08:07] at this magic archive

[1:08:08] that has all these

[1:08:09] magic secrets in it.

[1:08:10] Come on, guys.

[1:08:11] It would have been great

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:11] if it cut to her desk

[1:08:13] and a copy of the magazine

[1:08:14] that had the Newton Lita news on it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:18] Yeah,

[1:08:18] because also,

[1:08:19] they're all supposed

[1:08:19] to be famous, right?

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:21] Yeah.

[1:08:22] Yeah.

[1:08:22] It's a small world,

[1:08:24] this wizarding world.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:25] I guess it's like,

[1:08:26] but she's elderly,

[1:08:28] and so I guess it's like

[1:08:29] when my grandmother's best friend,

[1:08:31] a man named Al,

[1:08:32] who's a great guy,

[1:08:33] he said to me,

[1:08:33] what do you think?

[1:08:34] His name's Owl?

[1:08:35] No, no,

[1:08:35] his name is Owl.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:36] Owl,

[1:08:37] like the bad guy

[1:08:38] in Sekiro,

[1:08:40] Shadows Die Twice?

[1:08:41] No,

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:41] not at all.

[1:08:42] No.

[1:08:42] He said to me once,

[1:08:44] he's a man in his late 70s now,

[1:08:47] actually,

[1:08:47] now he's in his 80s,

[1:08:48] I guess.

[1:08:48] He said to me,

[1:08:49] Okay,

[1:08:49] get it right, Elliot.

[1:08:50] It's very important.

[1:08:51] He goes,

[1:08:51] what do you think

[1:08:52] about this new music these days?

[1:08:53] And I'm like,

[1:08:54] well,

[1:08:54] what do you mean?

[1:08:54] And he goes,

[1:08:54] well,

[1:08:55] I don't like it at all.

[1:08:56] I mean,

[1:08:57] Patti Smith,

[1:08:58] Bruce Springsteen,

[1:08:58] and I was like,

[1:08:59] oh,

[1:08:59] you mean old music?

[1:09:04] And I thought it was so funny

[1:09:06] that his frame of reference

[1:09:08] for new music

[1:09:08] was Patti Smith.

[1:09:09] I was like,

[1:09:09] oh,

[1:09:10] you mean music

[1:09:10] from before I was born.

[1:09:11] Okay,

[1:09:12] sure.

[1:09:13] So maybe she's like that.

[1:09:15] She's like,

[1:09:15] I don't know these newfangled

[1:09:16] celebrity wizards.

[1:09:17] I just remember

[1:09:18] the great wizards

[1:09:19] of the 1870s,

[1:09:21] like Edwin Booth,

[1:09:23] you know,

[1:09:23] and people like that.

[1:09:24] So anyway.

[1:09:25] Newt kind of stumblingly

[1:09:29] romances Tina.

[1:09:30] They have to find these records

[1:09:32] so they can find Credence.

[1:09:33] There is no time to lose.

[1:09:35] Time for them to have

[1:09:35] a very stumbly,

[1:09:37] halty conversation

[1:09:38] where they reveal that,

[1:09:40] hey,

[1:09:40] they're not in relationships

[1:09:41] and they do kind of

[1:09:42] like each other.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:43] And it takes so long

[1:09:44] that you keep expecting

[1:09:45] it to be interrupted again

[1:09:46] because it's one of these scenes

[1:09:47] where like,

[1:09:48] if Newt just spits out

[1:09:49] from the beginning,

[1:09:50] oh,

[1:09:50] it's been a mistake

[1:09:51] this whole time,

[1:09:52] I'm not engaged to anyone,

[1:09:54] you know,

[1:09:54] scene over.

[1:09:54] But he like,

[1:09:55] dithers around

[1:09:56] and like,

[1:09:57] he's like,

[1:09:57] you're terribly pretty,

[1:10:00] don't you know?

[1:10:01] And like,

[1:10:01] it's like,

[1:10:02] just get to it

[1:10:03] because you keep expecting

[1:10:04] like,

[1:10:04] I don't know,

[1:10:04] like wolves to come in

[1:10:06] and interrupt things.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:09] And so,

[1:10:09] and while they're doing this,

[1:10:10] they're taking so long

[1:10:11] with this that the real Lita

[1:10:12] opens up the files

[1:10:14] because I guess she went in

[1:10:15] through the back door

[1:10:16] of the archives

[1:10:16] or maybe the woman

[1:10:17] at the front desk

[1:10:18] was like,

[1:10:19] who are you?

[1:10:20] I'm Lita Lestrange.

[1:10:21] Oh,

[1:10:21] you were just here

[1:10:22] a couple seconds ago.

[1:10:23] Why don't you go in

[1:10:24] and meet yourself?

[1:10:25] Like it's,

[1:10:26] the,

[1:10:27] or the old lady is like,

[1:10:29] am I at a groundhog's day

[1:10:30] right now?

[1:10:31] The same person came by.

[1:10:33] Lita finds this note

[1:10:34] that says,

[1:10:35] the family records

[1:10:36] were moved to her family tomb.

[1:10:38] Uh-oh.

[1:10:39] Uh,

[1:10:39] but then they all have to run away

[1:10:40] because the,

[1:10:41] the librarian finally realizes

[1:10:42] there's something afoot

[1:10:43] and brings over

[1:10:44] some demon guardian cats

[1:10:45] and-

[1:10:46] Yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:46] now did you expect

[1:10:47] when she walked out,

[1:10:48] she walked out so seriously,

[1:10:50] I expected her to like,

[1:10:51] morph into another character

[1:10:52] that we already knew.

[1:10:54] Yeah,

[1:10:54] I thought she was gonna be

[1:10:54] Grindelwald or something.

[1:10:56] she's just like a super serious

[1:10:57] archivist.

[1:10:58] Yeah,

Dan McCoy

[1:10:59] I also want to say

[1:10:59] that like,

[1:11:00] for people who like,

[1:11:01] think that the casino planet

[1:11:02] thing in The Last Jedi

[1:11:03] is a waste of time,

[1:11:05] this is the true waste of time.

[1:11:07] Wow.

[1:11:07] This like,

[1:11:07] going into the ministry

[1:11:08] and being like,

[1:11:09] oh,

[1:11:09] sorry Mario,

[1:11:10] your princess is in another castle.

[1:11:12] It's like,

[1:11:12] fuck you movie.

[1:11:14] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:14] I mean,

[1:11:14] it basically exists,

[1:11:16] this scene exists

[1:11:17] so that Newt can fight off

[1:11:19] the demon cats

[1:11:20] by bringing his lion beast

[1:11:22] out of the suitcase.

[1:11:23] So,

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:23] and the lion beast only exists

[1:11:25] so he can fight off

[1:11:25] the demon cats here.

[1:11:27] So if you remove

[1:11:27] this archive section,

[1:11:29] you can also remove

[1:11:30] the lion beast,

[1:11:31] which means you can also

[1:11:31] remove the circus,

[1:11:33] which means you can make

[1:11:33] the movie a lot clearer

[1:11:35] and simpler and faster.

[1:11:36] So I guess what I'm saying,

[1:11:37] Dan,

Dan McCoy

[1:11:37] is you're wrong.

[1:11:38] They needed to junk this thing

[1:11:39] up with a lot of junk.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:42] This movie is,

[1:11:43] it's just like a sack

[1:11:44] labeled story

[1:11:45] that they're just

[1:11:45] shoveling things into.

[1:11:49] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:50] So they go right over

[1:11:51] to the tomb,

[1:11:52] right?

[1:11:52] Yes.

[1:11:53] Everyone meets up

[1:11:54] at the Lestrange.

[1:11:54] No pit stops,

[1:11:55] they just go to the tomb.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:56] They go,

[1:11:56] well,

[1:11:57] they all get,

[1:11:58] eventually they all get

[1:11:58] to the Lestrange family tomb

[1:12:00] and this tomb,

[1:12:01] everyone walks into

[1:12:02] the same room

[1:12:03] that shows the same statue

[1:12:04] and yet none of them

[1:12:05] seem to see each other

[1:12:07] when they walk

[1:12:07] into this one room.

[1:12:08] They just kind of,

[1:12:09] they only notice

[1:12:10] that they're also in this room

[1:12:11] when they have to notice them

[1:12:12] and I'm like,

[1:12:13] okay,

[1:12:14] so is this a magic room?

[1:12:15] Like,

[1:12:16] how come nobody,

[1:12:16] nobody,

[1:12:17] it's like the stateroom scene

[1:12:18] in Night at the Opera

[1:12:19] if nobody noticed

[1:12:20] all the other people

[1:12:21] were in the room with them.

[1:12:22] I'm like,

[1:12:22] I don't understand

[1:12:23] what's going on in this room.

[1:12:24] This movie,

[1:12:25] it's,

[1:12:25] if you're not on camera

[1:12:27] at that moment,

[1:12:28] then nobody in the movie

[1:12:29] can see you.

[1:12:30] It's,

[1:12:30] I don't get it.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:31] Now I want to say,

[1:12:32] before you explain

[1:12:32] this next scene,

[1:12:33] this is the,

[1:12:34] for me,

[1:12:34] this was the most

[1:12:35] angry making scene

[1:12:36] in a picture full

[1:12:38] of angry making scenes

[1:12:39] and I'll explain

[1:12:40] after you explain it

[1:12:41] but I just want to

[1:12:41] prep the audience.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:42] this is the double

[1:12:43] revelation scene

[1:12:44] that we'll get to?

[1:12:45] Yes.

[1:12:45] Okay,

[1:12:45] so,

[1:12:46] so they go there

[1:12:47] and Parasite Guy

[1:12:48] explains to everybody

[1:12:49] that,

[1:12:49] Yeah,

[1:12:50] Yusef Kama,

[1:12:51] I think is his name.

[1:12:52] Is that his name?

[1:12:53] A Galese pureblood wizard.

[1:12:54] Okay,

[1:12:55] he tells them how

[1:12:55] when he was growing up,

[1:12:58] his,

[1:12:59] Lita's dad

[1:13:01] used magic

[1:13:02] to seduce his mom away

[1:13:03] and so that means that

[1:13:05] she's also Lita's mom.

[1:13:07] So that,

[1:13:08] and,

[1:13:08] so Lita and this guy

[1:13:10] are half siblings

[1:13:11] which they don't seem

[1:13:11] to care about

[1:13:12] nor mention ever again.

[1:13:14] And Parasite Guy says,

[1:13:16] when,

[1:13:16] and then Lita's

[1:13:17] slash Lucef's mom

[1:13:19] died in childbirth

[1:13:20] when Lita was born

[1:13:20] and it drove his father,

[1:13:22] his real father

[1:13:23] mad.

[1:13:23] So his dad

[1:13:24] on his deathbed

[1:13:25] swore Yusef

[1:13:26] to get revenge

[1:13:27] and so kill whatever

[1:13:28] the elder Lestrange

[1:13:29] loves the most.

[1:13:30] And he goes,

[1:13:31] but he never loved,

[1:13:32] he never loved you Lita

[1:13:33] and so the only thing

[1:13:35] he,

[1:13:35] he never felt love

[1:13:36] until his son

[1:13:37] Corvus was born

[1:13:38] when he married again.

[1:13:39] And so,

[1:13:40] Parasite Man goes,

[1:13:42] Credence

[1:13:42] is actually Corvus,

[1:13:45] the brother of Lita Lestrange

[1:13:46] who was sent to America

[1:13:48] so that he,

[1:13:48] I couldn't get at him

[1:13:49] for revenge.

[1:13:50] So that's why

[1:13:51] I'm trying to kill Credence.

[1:13:52] Movie Explained.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:54] That seems crazy.

[1:13:55] Yeah.

[1:13:55] And then,

[1:13:56] if he loves his kid

[1:13:57] the most,

[1:13:57] why doesn't he just go,

[1:13:58] like,

[1:13:59] it's already been proven

[1:14:00] that Mr. Lestrange

[1:14:02] doesn't have a problem

[1:14:03] using magic on people.

[1:14:04] Why doesn't he just go

[1:14:05] smoke this dude

[1:14:06] who's gonna come

[1:14:07] kill his kid?

[1:14:07] I don't,

[1:14:08] well,

[1:14:08] because,

[1:14:08] I guess that just

[1:14:09] perpetuates the cycle

[1:14:10] of revenge and violence.

[1:14:11] I've seen a lot of movies.

[1:14:13] Exactly.

[1:14:13] Well,

[1:14:13] go on,

[1:14:14] Elliot,

[1:14:14] because this is,

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:15] now it's,

[1:14:16] after we've seen this,

[1:14:17] which takes five minutes

[1:14:18] to explain or something like that,

[1:14:19] maybe it's only three minutes,

[1:14:21] Lita steps in and says,

[1:14:22] no,

[1:14:22] but I already killed Corvus

[1:14:24] when he was a baby.

[1:14:25] She then opens up

[1:14:26] a magic family tree box

[1:14:28] and explains that

[1:14:28] she was on the ship

[1:14:30] to America

[1:14:31] with the servant lady

[1:14:32] and baby Corvus

[1:14:34] and Corvus kept crying

[1:14:35] and she just wanted

[1:14:36] to get away

[1:14:36] from this crying baby.

[1:14:37] So instead of leaving the room,

[1:14:38] she swaps Corvus

[1:14:40] with another baby

[1:14:40] in another place

[1:14:42] and then when the ship sinks,

[1:14:44] because that's why

[1:14:45] they had to escape,

[1:14:46] the servant takes

[1:14:47] this replacement baby

[1:14:48] and Lita sees

[1:14:49] the real baby Corvus

[1:14:50] sinking into the water,

[1:14:52] drowning,

[1:14:52] wrapped in sheets.

[1:14:53] Now,

[1:14:53] she can't really see it

[1:14:54] because she's in a boat.

[1:14:55] She can't see it underwater.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:56] That's what's crazy about it

[1:14:57] is that she can see

Dan McCoy

[1:14:58] underwater all the time.

[1:14:59] I thought she swam after.

[1:15:00] I thought she tried to get it.

[1:15:02] No,

[1:15:02] that was the mother

[1:15:03] of the other baby.

[1:15:03] That was the mother

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:04] of the other baby.

[1:15:05] Okay.

[1:15:06] But I guess

[1:15:07] it's like how

[1:15:08] in Saving Private Ryan,

[1:15:09] Matt Damon as an old man

[1:15:10] flashes back

[1:15:11] to what Tom Hanks saw

[1:15:12] on D-Day.

[1:15:13] You know,

[1:15:13] like maybe

[1:15:13] you can just see,

[1:15:15] you know,

[1:15:15] if you put yourself

[1:15:16] in someone else's shoes

[1:15:17] and walk a mile

[1:15:18] in their moccasins,

[1:15:19] then you can see

[1:15:20] what they see.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:21] That's kind of what

[1:15:23] Tom Hanks brings

[1:15:23] to the movie experience,

[1:15:25] though.

[1:15:25] He's kind of like

[1:15:26] an everyman,

[1:15:26] you know,

[1:15:27] that you can't really identify with.

[1:15:27] Hey,

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:28] at this point,

[1:15:29] he's no longer an everyman.

[1:15:29] As I've said many times,

[1:15:30] I don't know if I said

[1:15:31] in the Flophouse,

[1:15:32] there is no greater honor

[1:15:33] that America can bestow

[1:15:34] on a hero

[1:15:35] than to have Tom Hanks

[1:15:36] play you in a movie.

[1:15:37] Just as there is

[1:15:38] no greater shame

[1:15:39] than to have Al Pacino

[1:15:40] play you in a

[1:15:41] made-for-HBO movie.

[1:15:42] And that's why Tom Hanks

[1:15:44] plays Sully,

[1:15:45] Captain Phillips,

[1:15:46] Mr. Rogers,

[1:15:47] and Al Pacino plays

[1:15:48] Paterno,

[1:15:50] and Phil Spector.

[1:15:52] Like,

[1:15:52] that's...

Dan McCoy

[1:15:53] Now,

[1:15:55] I want to say,

[1:15:56] like,

[1:15:56] so Credence doesn't,

[1:15:57] like,

[1:15:58] is back to not knowing

[1:15:58] where he comes from.

[1:15:59] And actually,

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:00] Wait.

[1:16:01] Here,

[1:16:01] hold on.

[1:16:02] Sorry,

[1:16:02] go on.

[1:16:03] The water is so easy

[1:16:04] to see through,

[1:16:04] even though it's nighttime.

[1:16:05] I guess there's so much

[1:16:06] light from the ship.

[1:16:07] And Credence,

[1:16:08] who we thought

[1:16:10] was killed as a...

[1:16:11] We thought was this baby

[1:16:12] was killed as a baby,

[1:16:13] is still alive,

[1:16:13] obviously.

[1:16:14] So isn't this the real

[1:16:15] Credence Clearwater revival?

Dan McCoy

[1:16:17] Oh, boy.

[1:16:18] Oh, no.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:19] Oh, boy.

[1:16:19] Was that walk in the park

[1:16:20] long enough?

[1:16:20] I want to be angry at that,

[1:16:22] but I can't.

[1:16:22] That's a true fan Easter egg

[1:16:24] that J.K. Rowling

[1:16:24] is smoking the worst.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:25] Yeah.

[1:16:26] Was the dog in that story

[1:16:27] shaggy enough for you?

[1:16:28] Okay,

[1:16:28] and so,

[1:16:28] Dan,

[1:16:29] so,

[1:16:29] just to tie it up,

[1:16:31] so her fear from earlier

[1:16:32] was her fear of having

[1:16:34] killed her baby brother.

[1:16:35] Dan,

[1:16:36] explain.

[1:16:36] Why does this...

[1:16:37] Why would this bother you?

Dan McCoy

[1:16:39] So,

[1:16:39] this sequence

[1:16:40] makes me so angry

[1:16:42] because it stops the film cold

[1:16:44] for, like,

[1:16:45] Parasite Guy,

[1:16:46] a guy that we barely know

[1:16:47] or care about,

[1:16:48] takes a long time

[1:16:49] to explain his genealogy,

[1:16:52] introducing characters

[1:16:52] we've never seen before

[1:16:53] in this movie.

[1:16:54] And we'll never see again.

[1:16:55] And never see again.

[1:16:57] Takes a long time to explain,

[1:16:58] and then at the end,

[1:16:59] the movie goes,

[1:17:00] psych!

[1:17:00] That wasn't who you thought it was.

[1:17:02] It was this other guy.

[1:17:04] This other kid.

[1:17:05] This other baby.

[1:17:05] And so,

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:07] in this scene,

[1:17:07] there's at least,

[1:17:08] like,

[1:17:08] three characters

[1:17:08] who are just standing around

[1:17:10] that are like,

[1:17:10] why am I here?

[1:17:11] I guess I'm here to support

[1:17:13] this other person

[1:17:13] who's having these revelations.

[1:17:14] Including...

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:15] It's really boring.

[1:17:16] Standing around includes

[1:17:17] Newt,

[1:17:17] the hero of the movie,

[1:17:19] and not there at all

[1:17:20] is Grindelwald,

[1:17:21] the villain of the movie.

[1:17:21] So,

[1:17:22] it's just supporting

[1:17:23] character theater.

[1:17:24] Like,

[1:17:25] it's just side character

[1:17:26] playhouse,

[1:17:26] you know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:27] And I think

[1:17:27] Jacob is somewhere

[1:17:29] in this scene,

[1:17:30] but I can't tell

[1:17:31] because in the next scene

[1:17:32] when they find

[1:17:33] the hidden door

[1:17:35] that leads

[1:17:35] to the amphitheater

[1:17:37] underneath the tomb,

[1:17:39] Jacob's the first one

[1:17:40] walking through it.

[1:17:41] And I'm like,

[1:17:41] where was he this whole time?

[1:17:43] I guess he dealt

[1:17:44] with that,

[1:17:45] the wand of the head situation.

[1:17:47] Yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:47] the wand,

[1:17:48] I guess,

[1:17:48] was like,

[1:17:49] Jacob is disappearing

[1:17:50] or something like that.

[1:17:52] So,

[1:17:53] this is the kind of thing,

[1:17:54] again,

[1:17:54] if this was a novel,

[1:17:55] like if this was a Dickens novel,

[1:17:57] I would be like,

[1:17:58] okay,

[1:17:58] he's gonna dump a whole new...

[1:18:00] Dickens was like

[1:18:00] making it up

[1:18:01] as he went along.

[1:18:02] He liked to introduce characters

[1:18:03] and then suddenly have

[1:18:04] like big reveals

[1:18:05] or like go aside

[1:18:06] and kind of breathe life

[1:18:07] into a side character

[1:18:08] all of a sudden.

[1:18:09] Like,

[1:18:09] he would really pull it off.

[1:18:10] But in a movie,

[1:18:11] it just was like,

[1:18:12] it does not work that great

[1:18:13] for the action to stop

[1:18:15] so that some characters

[1:18:16] could talk about...

[1:18:17] It's also the idea

[1:18:18] that you're gonna reveal something

[1:18:20] and then immediately dispel it.

[1:18:22] It's like,

[1:18:22] no pun intended,

[1:18:24] that if they had done that,

[1:18:25] what they should have done

[1:18:26] is earlier in the movie

[1:18:27] have Yousef explain

[1:18:28] his backstory

[1:18:29] and then we're like,

[1:18:30] oh,

[1:18:30] okay,

[1:18:30] that's who Credence is

[1:18:31] and then later in the movie,

[1:18:33] Lita can reveal it

[1:18:34] and it'll be a twist.

[1:18:35] But it's weird

[1:18:36] to have a twist

[1:18:37] right after the last twist.

[1:18:39] It's like,

[1:18:39] if you were watching

[1:18:40] a murder mystery

[1:18:41] and the detective was like,

[1:18:42] it was you,

[1:18:43] you did it,

[1:18:44] the butler

[1:18:44] and the butler's like,

[1:18:45] oh no,

[1:18:46] and then suddenly

[1:18:46] the cook goes,

[1:18:47] no,

[1:18:47] it was me.

[1:18:48] The audience would be like,

[1:18:49] what?

Dan McCoy

[1:18:50] I was gonna say this later

[1:18:52] but I'll say it now.

[1:18:52] Like the last 30 minutes

[1:18:53] of this movie or so,

[1:18:54] I found the most engaging

[1:18:56] and I think that that's because

[1:18:57] by that point,

[1:18:58] most of the mysteries

[1:18:59] have been solved

[1:19:00] and it's just a straightforward story.

[1:19:02] And I think that J.K. Rowling,

[1:19:03] like she does this

[1:19:04] in a lot of the books

[1:19:05] and it works better in the books

[1:19:06] but she likes to withhold

[1:19:07] a lot of things

[1:19:07] and have like a mystery.

[1:19:09] But here it's just like,

[1:19:10] I don't want the,

[1:19:11] like it's just,

[1:19:12] you're piling mystery

[1:19:13] mystery on mystery.

[1:19:13] It's obfuscating like

[1:19:15] what the storyline is.

[1:19:16] Like I just want to watch a story,

[1:19:18] you know,

[1:19:19] and understand what's happening.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:20] And the mystery seems so,

[1:19:21] the basic conflict of the story

[1:19:23] we're led to believe is

[1:19:24] Grindelwald is a bad wizard

[1:19:26] who wants to lead

[1:19:27] an army of wizards

[1:19:28] to take over the world.

[1:19:29] And yet,

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:30] I guess the point of the movie

[1:19:32] is to have,

[1:19:33] is that play between

[1:19:34] which of these characters

[1:19:36] that we get to know

[1:19:37] are going to side with Grindelwald

[1:19:38] and who will not.

[1:19:40] But we almost see no,

[1:19:44] no character actually

[1:19:45] spends that much time

[1:19:46] thinking about this,

[1:19:48] like that question.

[1:19:49] Yes, yeah.

[1:19:50] Like the,

[1:19:52] we get to a point

[1:19:53] where Grindelwald

[1:19:54] is doing his big,

[1:19:55] he does his big reveal

[1:19:56] and he basically asks

[1:19:57] all these characters

[1:19:58] if they want to join him or not.

[1:20:00] And none of them

[1:20:01] at this point,

[1:20:02] it's like,

[1:20:03] oh,

[1:20:04] it's like a coin flip

[1:20:05] in almost every case

[1:20:06] except for Credence

[1:20:08] who we know for sure

[1:20:08] is going to join him

[1:20:09] because he has no reason not to.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:11] Yeah, it's like,

[1:20:12] and also the movie

[1:20:13] doesn't make any sense.

[1:20:14] There's no reason for a sequel

[1:20:15] if Credence doesn't join him.

[1:20:17] It's like,

[1:20:17] but it's like if

[1:20:18] Captain America Civil War,

[1:20:20] Iron Man's like,

[1:20:21] the government needs

[1:20:21] to control superheroes

[1:20:22] and Captain America is like,

[1:20:24] no.

[1:20:24] And then suddenly,

[1:20:26] like the Guardians

[1:20:28] of the Galaxy show up

[1:20:29] and are like,

[1:20:29] hey guys,

[1:20:30] we've got an adventure in space.

[1:20:31] You've got to come with us.

[1:20:32] And they go out into space

[1:20:34] and meet the Silver Surfer

[1:20:35] and the Silver Surfer's like,

[1:20:36] let me tell you my backstory.

[1:20:37] Are we going to see Galactus

[1:20:38] in the movie?

[1:20:39] No,

[1:20:40] but I'll tell you about it.

[1:20:41] Okay,

[1:20:41] well that was pretty crazy.

[1:20:42] Let's go back to Earth.

[1:20:43] And they go back to Earth

[1:20:44] and Captain America and Iron Man

[1:20:45] are like,

[1:20:46] well now I guess we have to fight

[1:20:47] and that's the end of the movie.

[1:20:48] That's what this feels like.

[1:20:50] You have a movie

[1:20:51] with a very straightforward conflict

[1:20:52] like you're saying

[1:20:53] and then the movie just stops.

[1:20:54] Okay,

[1:20:54] so anyway.

[1:20:55] So all the characters

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:56] from the previous scene

[1:20:57] that we were just talking about

[1:20:58] all walk through a doorway

[1:21:00] and they're in a big amphitheater

[1:21:02] filled with wizards

[1:21:03] who are all there

[1:21:04] for a rally

[1:21:05] being held by Grindelwald

[1:21:07] who like soaks up that.

[1:21:09] He soaks up the applause

[1:21:10] for a little bit.

[1:21:11] He's just loving it.

[1:21:13] And it's one of those like things

[1:21:14] where all these wizards

[1:21:16] are able to finally show off

[1:21:19] their true allegiance.

[1:21:20] They've been hiding it in public

[1:21:23] so they're able to show off

[1:21:24] their secret face

[1:21:25] which is not like a cool monster face.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:29] It's another moment

[1:21:30] where it was like,

[1:21:31] so if the amphitheater

[1:21:32] was like right through that tomb,

[1:21:34] were all the wizards

[1:21:35] listening to Lita Lestrange

[1:21:37] telling her story

[1:21:38] or like,

[1:21:39] did they just not hear

[1:21:40] this huge room full of wizards

[1:21:42] when they were all

[1:21:42] in that other room?

[1:21:43] Like what?

[1:21:43] I don't understand.

[1:21:44] Again, magic?

[1:21:45] It's like,

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:45] my wife tells me

[1:21:47] of this club she used to go to

[1:21:48] in South Brooklyn

[1:21:50] called the Crazy Country Club

[1:21:52] and they would do a thing

[1:21:53] where they would mic up

[1:21:56] the bathrooms

[1:21:57] and sometimes

[1:21:59] when the DJ would see

[1:22:00] like a couple of women

[1:22:01] go into the bathroom together,

[1:22:03] he would like

[1:22:03] get the crowd

[1:22:05] to like quiet down

[1:22:06] and then he'd play

[1:22:07] the sound

[1:22:09] from the bathroom

[1:22:10] of the women

[1:22:10] like talking about

[1:22:11] what they're doing

[1:22:12] that night.

[1:22:13] Jesus.

[1:22:13] That's not okay.

[1:22:14] It was crazy.

[1:22:14] Not something you could ever do.

[1:22:15] No, it's obviously not okay

[1:22:17] but like,

[1:22:18] maybe it was something like that

[1:22:19] where they're all like

[1:22:19] intently listening

[1:22:20] to these people

[1:22:21] and they're like,

[1:22:21] oh my God,

[1:22:22] what a big reveal.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:23] Maybe.

[1:22:24] Maybe.

[1:22:24] Oh, that's like

[1:22:25] that scene in MASH

[1:22:26] where Hot Lips

[1:22:27] is showering

[1:22:29] and they pull down

[1:22:30] the tent flap

[1:22:30] so everyone sees her

[1:22:32] that's horrible, guys.

[1:22:34] Like,

[1:22:35] that's not adorable.

[1:22:37] Like,

[1:22:38] that's really terrible.

[1:22:41] So anyway,

[1:22:41] so Grindelwald,

[1:22:42] he comes out.

[1:22:43] Everyone finds each other

[1:22:44] in this big rally.

[1:22:45] Grindelwald gives a big speech

[1:22:46] while the ministry cops

[1:22:47] are moving in

[1:22:48] to try to get ready

[1:22:49] to arrest everybody.

[1:22:50] And Grindelwald is like,

[1:22:52] his speech is not that clear.

[1:22:53] He's like,

[1:22:53] we just love freedom

[1:22:54] and truth and love

[1:22:56] and here's what the world

[1:22:57] will look like

[1:22:57] if wizards don't take over.

[1:22:59] And he shows them

[1:22:59] a bunch of scenes

[1:23:00] of World War II

[1:23:01] ending with a mushroom cloud.

[1:23:04] see?

[1:23:05] And to be honest,

[1:23:06] I'm like,

[1:23:06] That's a pretty good argument

[1:23:08] for why somebody else

[1:23:09] should try running the world

[1:23:10] for a little bit.

[1:23:11] Like,

[1:23:11] if you could avert World War II.

[1:23:14] But,

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:14] then the magic cops show up.

[1:23:16] Yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:16] it's like when I was watching

[1:23:18] Aquaman last weekend

[1:23:19] and King Orm's like,

[1:23:21] it's fucked up.

[1:23:22] The service dwellers

[1:23:23] are constantly polluting us.

[1:23:24] And I'm like,

[1:23:25] yeah,

[1:23:25] that is pretty fucked up.

[1:23:28] I mean,

[1:23:29] I don't know what they do

[1:23:30] with their fucking waste.

[1:23:31] Do they like,

[1:23:32] throw it in a trench

[1:23:32] for the trench kingdom

[1:23:34] to deal with?

[1:23:35] Do they like,

[1:23:35] do they magic it away

[1:23:36] to J.K. Rowling's house?

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:38] It shows up,

[1:23:39] they magic it away

[1:23:40] and it shows up

[1:23:40] in Dumbledore's pants

[1:23:41] and then he magics it away.

[1:23:43] Yeah.

[1:23:45] It's a really complicated cycle.

[1:23:47] I mean,

[1:23:49] whatever works.

[1:23:50] When he magics it,

[1:23:51] what it does

[1:23:52] is the spell

[1:23:52] automatically splits up

[1:23:53] his poop

[1:23:54] into tiny particles

[1:23:55] and then plants them

[1:23:56] in the bowels

[1:23:57] of random human beings

[1:23:58] throughout the world.

[1:23:59] Oh, wow.

[1:23:59] And so,

[1:24:00] the cycle of poop continues.

[1:24:02] Yeah.

[1:24:03] Share the wealth.

[1:24:05] Yeah.

[1:24:06] Redistribution of poop.

[1:24:07] That's what Bernie Sanders

[1:24:07] is all about, right?

[1:24:08] That's socialism, right?

[1:24:10] Yeah.

[1:24:11] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:12] Dumbledore or Dumbledore

[1:24:13] reads the headline.

[1:24:15] In what?

[1:24:16] The Sanitation Times?

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:20] That'd be so funny

[1:24:21] if it's like,

[1:24:21] Dumbledore's been doing

[1:24:23] that all these years

[1:24:23] and he thought

[1:24:24] all the other wizards

[1:24:24] were too,

[1:24:25] but they weren't.

[1:24:27] And so,

[1:24:27] and so he's,

[1:24:29] he's talking to like

[1:24:31] Professor Snape

[1:24:32] or whatever.

[1:24:33] And Snape's like,

[1:24:34] well, gotta go.

[1:24:35] Supernatural calls.

[1:24:37] And he's like,

[1:24:37] wait, what?

[1:24:37] Are you using the toilet?

[1:24:39] Yeah.

[1:24:39] What do you,

[1:24:40] what,

[1:24:40] do you not use the toilet?

[1:24:41] No, no,

[1:24:41] I just poop in my pants

[1:24:42] and I magic it away.

[1:24:44] And Snape is like,

[1:24:45] Snape is like,

[1:24:46] you know you're not gonna get

[1:24:47] all of it if you do that,

[1:24:48] right?

[1:24:48] Like,

[1:24:49] that's crazy.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:51] It's like a guy

[1:24:52] who always like

[1:24:52] stands up to wipe

[1:24:53] being like,

[1:24:54] we all do that,

[1:24:55] right?

[1:24:55] And like,

[1:24:55] no.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:57] Most of us don't.

[1:24:58] That one kid

[1:24:59] when you were

[1:24:59] in elementary

[1:25:00] or middle school

[1:25:00] who would stand

[1:25:01] a urinal

[1:25:01] with his pants

[1:25:02] all the way down

[1:25:02] at his ankles

[1:25:03] and be like,

[1:25:04] yeah,

[1:25:04] this is what we do.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:05] Come on.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:07] Yeah.

[1:25:07] Yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:09] but what about

[1:25:10] that time

[1:25:11] I had to borrow

[1:25:11] pants from you?

[1:25:13] And he's like,

[1:25:15] uh,

[1:25:15] yeah,

[1:25:16] what about it?

[1:25:17] Uh,

[1:25:17] were you doing it then?

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:19] Snape's like,

[1:25:20] so do you just poop

[1:25:21] in the middle of

[1:25:22] staff meetings?

[1:25:23] Yeah,

[1:25:23] all the time.

[1:25:24] I thought everybody was.

[1:25:25] Wait,

[1:25:25] are you pooping right now?

[1:25:26] Maybe.

[1:25:31] Well,

[1:25:31] enough poop.

[1:25:31] Okay,

[1:25:32] enough poop talk.

[1:25:32] Time to get to this,

[1:25:33] the opposite of poop.

[1:25:34] The crimes of Grindelwald.

[1:25:36] So the magic cops come in,

[1:25:38] there's a brief scuffle,

[1:25:40] and,

[1:25:40] uh,

[1:25:41] Grindelwald sends his followers away,

[1:25:43] and Credence and Queenie

[1:25:44] both join Grindelwald,

[1:25:45] and Leta attacks Grindelwald

[1:25:47] and gets killed,

[1:25:48] I guess,

[1:25:48] by like,

[1:25:49] magic.

[1:25:49] Yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:49] so this is one of those moments

[1:25:52] if they,

[1:25:53] they put a lot of time

[1:25:54] into Leta's backstory

[1:25:55] for the bullshit stuff,

[1:25:57] but they don't like,

[1:25:58] and they make it seem like

[1:25:59] when she was in high school

[1:26:00] she was bullied,

[1:26:01] but like,

[1:26:02] if they had made some effort

[1:26:03] to make it seem like

[1:26:05] everybody suspected her

[1:26:06] as being like a Grindelwald follower,

[1:26:08] or maybe like,

[1:26:09] long ago she was maybe

[1:26:10] a Grindelwald follower,

[1:26:12] it would make the moment

[1:26:13] where it's like,

[1:26:14] oh shit,

[1:26:14] is she gonna join him?

[1:26:15] And then she's like,

[1:26:16] no,

[1:26:17] I love you guys.

[1:26:18] And then she attacks

[1:26:19] and then immediately is killed.

[1:26:20] Yeah.

[1:26:21] Uh,

[1:26:21] like,

[1:26:21] they could have done something like,

[1:26:23] not to play fucking

[1:26:24] Monday morning wizard back

[1:26:25] or something.

[1:26:27] But,

[1:26:27] I mean,

[1:26:28] that's,

[1:26:29] I guess I would be like

[1:26:30] the seeker.

[1:26:30] That's the quarterback.

[1:26:32] Yeah,

[1:26:32] Quidditch.

[1:26:33] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:35] Uh,

[1:26:35] I'll take your words for it.

[1:26:37] Uh,

[1:26:37] and,

[1:26:38] it's one of those things

[1:26:39] Grindelwald is like,

[1:26:40] we just want to take over the world.

[1:26:42] We don't want to hurt anybody.

[1:26:43] Anyway,

[1:26:44] here's a bunch of blue fire demons,

[1:26:45] dragons,

[1:26:46] that are just gonna fly around

[1:26:47] and the alchemist shows up

[1:26:48] and goes,

[1:26:48] put your wands to the ground

[1:26:50] or the dragons will eat Paris.

[1:26:52] whoa,

[1:26:53] this escalated really fast

[1:26:54] and none of this

[1:26:55] was explained to me before.

[1:26:56] Oh,

[1:26:56] you missed also,

[1:26:57] Queenie went over

[1:26:58] to Grindelwald.

[1:26:59] And Queenie joins Grindelwald

[1:27:00] and especially because

[1:27:01] she hates being called crazy

[1:27:02] and Jacob,

[1:27:03] she's like,

[1:27:04] come on,

[1:27:04] Jacob will join

[1:27:05] and Jacob's like,

[1:27:05] no,

[1:27:06] he's a bad guy.

[1:27:06] And she goes,

[1:27:07] no,

[1:27:08] you're crazy.

[1:27:08] And she leaves and joins

[1:27:09] and so now he's got

[1:27:11] Credence and Queenie on the side.

[1:27:13] After she's like,

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:13] we should hear this guy talk,

[1:27:14] he's got some really great ideas

[1:27:15] and then the whole time he's like,

[1:27:17] yeah,

[1:27:18] muggles are bad and dumb

[1:27:19] and they should work for us,

[1:27:22] you know?

[1:27:22] Yeah.

[1:27:23] So that doesn't make any sense.

[1:27:24] I also liked it

[1:27:25] right before Grindelwald

[1:27:26] apparates or whatever

[1:27:28] and disappears.

[1:27:30] He,

[1:27:31] he says,

[1:27:32] I hate Paris.

[1:27:34] That's the last line

[1:27:35] of Grindelwald.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:36] That was the best moment

[1:27:37] in the movie,

[1:27:38] I think.

[1:27:38] It was the only time

[1:27:39] Grindelwald felt like a character

[1:27:40] or for that matter,

[1:27:41] any of the characters

[1:27:42] felt like real characters

[1:27:43] was just this casual,

[1:27:45] I hate Paris.

[1:27:45] And then he flies out

[1:27:46] and also,

[1:27:47] you know he's truly evil

[1:27:48] because Paris is an enchanting city.

[1:27:50] It's magical.

[1:27:51] It belongs to the world

[1:27:53] and it's a wonderful place.

[1:27:55] these fire dragons

[1:27:56] are flying around.

[1:27:57] The alchemist shows up

[1:27:58] to tell them basically

[1:27:59] how to stop them

[1:27:59] which turns out

[1:28:00] to be really easy.

[1:28:01] You just point your wand

[1:28:03] at the ground and blow

[1:28:04] and that's pretty much it.

[1:28:06] Yeah.

[1:28:07] And Newt goes to meet Dumbledore

[1:28:09] and Dumbledore reveals that

[1:28:11] That's also how you can find

[1:28:13] the water in the house.

[1:28:13] Oh, you have to,

[1:28:15] very important,

Dan McCoy

[1:28:16] the platypus looking thing

[1:28:18] brings the blood amulet

[1:28:22] to Newt

[1:28:24] because the thing about

[1:28:25] these platypus things

[1:28:26] is they are drawn to shiny things

[1:28:29] and they collect them.

[1:28:30] This was explained

[1:28:31] in the first movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:32] So yeah,

[1:28:32] so the Niffler steals

[1:28:33] this shiny locket

[1:28:35] from Grindelwald's body.

[1:28:38] Grindelwald,

[1:28:38] the greatest evil wizard

[1:28:40] in the world,

[1:28:40] does not notice

[1:28:41] that a platypus

[1:28:42] is crawling all over him

[1:28:43] stealing his jewelry.

[1:28:45] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:46] Yeah, he's not very,

[1:28:47] I mean,

[1:28:47] he's a pretty easy mark.

[1:28:49] Yeah.

[1:28:49] I guess so.

[1:28:50] He's so full of himself.

[1:28:51] That's probably why

[1:28:52] he hates Paris

[1:28:52] is that he never puts

[1:28:53] his money and valuables

[1:28:54] in a fanny pack

[1:28:56] and instead he gets

[1:28:56] pickpocketed all the time

[1:28:58] when he goes to the train station.

[1:28:59] You have to imagine.

[1:28:59] He's too busy

[1:29:00] caught up on the baguette

[1:29:01] he's chomping on.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:04] Grindelwald is,

[1:29:05] he's the kind of guy

[1:29:05] who gets an email

[1:29:06] from a Nigerian prince

[1:29:07] and he's like,

[1:29:07] hmm,

[1:29:08] this seems like a scam

[1:29:09] but it also seems

[1:29:10] kind of real

[1:29:11] and I think I'd be smart enough

[1:29:12] to see if it was a scam

[1:29:13] or not

[1:29:14] so I'll send him

[1:29:14] my bank account information.

[1:29:18] And so he shows it

[1:29:20] to Dumbledore,

[1:29:21] this little locket

[1:29:21] and Dumbledore's like,

[1:29:22] oh yeah,

[1:29:22] that's the blood pact

[1:29:23] I made with Grindelwald

[1:29:24] that we would never

[1:29:24] fight each other.

[1:29:25] That's why I can't fight him

[1:29:27] no duh,

[1:29:28] dude,

[1:29:29] this is a secret.

[1:29:31] Why didn't you,

Dan McCoy

[1:29:32] I don't understand.

[1:29:33] Why did you ever say that?

[1:29:34] Why didn't you say that?

[1:29:34] Like Dumbledore,

[1:29:35] I love Dumbledore

[1:29:36] but even the good

[1:29:38] Harry Potter books,

[1:29:39] he's always

[1:29:39] has these sort of

[1:29:41] secret schemes.

[1:29:42] He never lets anyone

[1:29:44] in on his thinking

[1:29:46] you know,

[1:29:46] if you shared

[1:29:46] some of these things,

[1:29:47] things might go

[1:29:49] a little better

[1:29:50] for Harry and his pals.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:51] Yeah,

[1:29:51] I would have liked

[1:29:51] somebody at his funeral

[1:29:52] when giving the eulogy,

[1:29:54] somebody would be like,

[1:29:55] wish he would have

[1:29:56] told us more shit

[1:29:57] so we could have

[1:29:58] kept him alive.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:00] Dumbledore,

[1:30:01] the greatest magic of all

[1:30:02] is trust.

[1:30:04] Yeah.

[1:30:04] But here's the moment

[1:30:06] that bothers me

[1:30:07] about that whole thing.

[1:30:08] Newt goes,

[1:30:08] do you think you can

[1:30:09] destroy it?

[1:30:10] And Dumbledore goes,

[1:30:11] yeah,

[1:30:11] I think maybe.

[1:30:13] well then,

[1:30:13] what the fuck, dude?

[1:30:14] It's like,

[1:30:15] why was this an issue?

[1:30:17] I can understand

[1:30:17] it's like,

[1:30:18] no,

[1:30:18] he was my lover

[1:30:19] and we made

[1:30:20] an unbreakable blood pact

[1:30:21] that I can never

[1:30:22] raise a wand against him

[1:30:23] and that's why

[1:30:24] my power

[1:30:25] can never be part

[1:30:26] of this war.

[1:30:27] I wish it could be.

[1:30:27] But instead it's like,

[1:30:28] hey,

[1:30:28] do you think you could

[1:30:29] destroy this blood pact?

[1:30:30] Yeah,

[1:30:30] I think probably.

[1:30:31] And then he'll just

[1:30:31] kick his ass.

[1:30:34] It's like,

[1:30:34] then why,

[1:30:35] why didn't you do

[1:30:35] any of that?

[1:30:36] What is the problem?

[1:30:36] Yeah,

[1:30:37] why don't you say

Dan McCoy

[1:30:37] something like,

[1:30:38] hey,

[1:30:38] it's important

[1:30:39] you get this amulet.

[1:30:40] That's the key

[1:30:41] to the whole thing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:42] Yeah.

[1:30:42] Do you think

[1:30:42] at the pitch meeting

[1:30:43] they're like,

[1:30:44] and then Dumbledore

[1:30:45] says,

[1:30:45] yeah,

[1:30:46] probably.

[1:30:46] And the audience

[1:30:47] is going to lose

[1:30:47] their minds.

[1:30:48] They're going to go crazy.

[1:30:49] Applause,

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:49] people whooping.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:51] Oh,

[1:30:56] stop bringing stuff up.

[1:31:03] Stop saying anything.

[1:31:04] Stop saying that

[1:31:05] there's an amazing

[1:31:05] moment in it.

[1:31:06] During this three hours

[1:31:07] of fan service,

[1:31:09] there's a moment

[1:31:09] where the audience

[1:31:10] lost their minds.

[1:31:12] During this movie

[1:31:12] that is designed

[1:31:13] to deliver fans moments

[1:31:15] they will lose

[1:31:15] their minds over.

[1:31:18] so I guess Dumbledore,

[1:31:20] I guess it's part,

[1:31:21] so I was doing

[1:31:21] some Wikipedia research,

[1:31:22] and I guess it's part

[1:31:23] of the back story

[1:31:24] is that Dumbledore

[1:31:25] did eventually defeat

[1:31:26] Grindelwald in a big

[1:31:27] magic battle or something.

[1:31:29] Sure.

[1:31:30] So like,

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:30] I guess we're all

[1:31:31] just building up to that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:32] So the real magic is

[1:31:34] how are they going

[1:31:35] to delay this

[1:31:36] as long as possible,

[1:31:37] and this blood pact

[1:31:37] was a way they could

[1:31:38] do it for one movie.

[1:31:39] Yeah,

Dan McCoy

[1:31:40] the real magic is

[1:31:40] how they're going

[1:31:41] to make this exciting

[1:31:42] since we already

[1:31:42] know how it turns out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:44] Yeah.

[1:31:44] It's called

[1:31:45] Movies About History.

[1:31:46] They do it all the time.

[1:31:47] Okay.

[1:31:48] Yeah,

[1:31:48] I mean,

[1:31:49] it's like...

[1:31:49] You ever see a movie

[1:31:50] called Titanic?

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:52] You're right.

[1:31:52] It's like,

[1:31:53] how that TV show

[1:31:56] Sons of Anarchy

[1:31:56] got kind of popular,

[1:31:57] and the showrunner

[1:31:59] was given enough leeway

[1:32:00] that his hour-long episodes

[1:32:02] became like

[1:32:02] hour-and-a-half-long episodes,

[1:32:04] and then he's like,

[1:32:05] well,

[1:32:05] I have an idea,

[1:32:06] but there's not

[1:32:08] that much to it.

[1:32:08] I guess I'll just add in

[1:32:09] very long car chases

[1:32:11] into every episode

[1:32:12] to kind of stretch it out

[1:32:13] for a full season.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:16] Is that it?

[1:32:17] No,

[1:32:17] and at the very end,

[1:32:18] so Creedence

[1:32:19] is with Grindelwald,

[1:32:20] and earlier Dumbledore

[1:32:21] has says,

[1:32:22] you know,

[1:32:22] there's a prophecy

[1:32:23] in my family

[1:32:24] that a phoenix

[1:32:25] will arrive

[1:32:25] to help a Dumbledore

[1:32:26] in need,

[1:32:27] and Grindelwald

[1:32:29] tells Credence

[1:32:30] that he reveals

[1:32:31] Credence's true identity,

[1:32:34] because he says,

[1:32:35] you know,

[1:32:35] there's a prophecy

[1:32:36] that a phoenix

[1:32:37] will help members

[1:32:37] of your family in need,

[1:32:38] and a phoenix shows up,

[1:32:40] you're not Credence,

[1:32:41] you're Aurelius Dumbledore,

[1:32:44] and it's time for you

[1:32:45] to beat up your brother,

[1:32:46] and then he leaves,

[1:32:47] and Credence just starts

[1:32:47] blasting fireballs

[1:32:49] at a mountainside,

[1:32:50] and that's the end

[1:32:50] of the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:51] He does like a

[1:32:52] Kami-hami-ha

[1:32:53] from Dragon Ball Z

[1:32:54] and just blows up

[1:32:55] a mountain.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:59] so long story short,

[1:33:01] Credence is not Corvus.

[1:33:03] Credence is Dumbledore's brother,

[1:33:04] which leads me to ask,

[1:33:06] so wait,

[1:33:07] why was Dumbledore's

[1:33:08] baby brother on that ship

[1:33:09] when he got swapped

[1:33:10] with Corvus?

[1:33:11] I guess that's a mystery

[1:33:12] for another day.

[1:33:13] Another fantastic beast

[1:33:14] will lead us

[1:33:15] to that answer.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:16] The, uh,

[1:33:16] yeah,

[1:33:17] that reveal,

[1:33:19] I like to think

[1:33:19] that I pay attention

[1:33:20] to movies

[1:33:21] when I watch them.

[1:33:22] I mean,

[1:33:23] I guess sometimes people

[1:33:24] have called me out

[1:33:25] on the opposite,

[1:33:25] but, uh,

[1:33:26] this is definitely

[1:33:27] a reveal where I'm like,

[1:33:29] what?

[1:33:30] Really?

Dan McCoy

[1:33:32] Yeah,

[1:33:32] so,

[1:33:33] all right,

[1:33:33] let's, uh,

[1:33:34] we've gone longer,

[1:33:35] I think,

[1:33:35] than any other summary ever

[1:33:37] because there was so much

[1:33:38] bullshit in this movie.

[1:33:39] Well,

[1:33:39] you'll just, uh,

[1:33:40] edit it down.

[1:33:41] So let's, uh,

[1:33:42] do our final judgments quickly.

[1:33:43] Is this a good, bad movie,

[1:33:44] a bad, bad movie,

[1:33:45] or a movie you kind of like?

[1:33:46] I'll say that, like,

[1:33:48] this movie,

[1:33:49] so I fell asleep

[1:33:50] during the final 20 minutes

[1:33:51] and I woke up.

[1:33:52] Dan!

[1:33:52] No, I watched them.

[1:33:54] I goddamn watched them.

[1:33:55] Okay, okay.

[1:33:56] What I'm saying is

[1:33:57] I fell asleep

[1:33:58] during the final 20 minutes,

[1:33:59] I woke up,

[1:34:00] and I was so mad

[1:34:01] that that had happened

[1:34:02] because I was just like,

[1:34:03] ugh,

[1:34:04] now I have to fucking

[1:34:05] go back,

[1:34:05] rewind,

[1:34:06] and watch the final 20 minutes

[1:34:07] of this stupid goddamn movie.

[1:34:09] Uh-huh.

[1:34:10] Like,

[1:34:11] the movie infuriated me.

[1:34:12] Like somebody who's

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:12] gave you a time turner

[1:34:13] and you're trapped in this?

Dan McCoy

[1:34:14] Yeah,

[1:34:15] and look,

[1:34:16] I just,

[1:34:17] I really like the books,

[1:34:19] uh,

[1:34:19] and for the most part

[1:34:21] I enjoyed the movies too,

[1:34:22] the Harry Potter movies.

[1:34:24] I,

[1:34:24] this movie was,

[1:34:25] the screenplay was done

[1:34:26] by J.K. Rowling

[1:34:27] and I just have to assume

[1:34:28] that she just doesn't know

[1:34:30] how to write a screenplay.

[1:34:31] Like,

[1:34:31] she's a good novelist,

[1:34:32] doesn't know how to do a screenplay

[1:34:33] because it doesn't make any sense

[1:34:35] and it's boring.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:35] And it's full of stuff

[1:34:37] that you would cut out of a movie

[1:34:38] but would,

[1:34:39] could fit in a novel,

[1:34:40] sure.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:41] Yeah.

[1:34:41] Yeah,

[1:34:41] it feels,

[1:34:42] as I said,

[1:34:42] like,

[1:34:43] it feels like

[1:34:43] it takes for granted

[1:34:45] that you know everything

[1:34:46] and are intimately familiar

[1:34:47] with everything

[1:34:48] and,

[1:34:49] uh,

[1:34:50] it spends too much time

[1:34:51] on dumb bullshit

[1:34:51] and not enough time

[1:34:53] on character arcs.

[1:34:54] Uh,

[1:34:55] yeah.

[1:34:55] It's pronounced Dumbledore,

[1:34:57] not dumb bullshit.

[1:34:57] No,

[1:34:58] my mistake.

[1:34:59] And actually,

[1:35:00] it doesn't spend enough time

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:01] on Dumbledore

[1:35:01] since he turns out

[1:35:02] to be the pivotal character

[1:35:03] in the movie.

[1:35:04] Yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:04] I mean,

[1:35:04] if you're gonna cast

[1:35:05] a young pope who fucks,

[1:35:07] I wanna see Dumbledore fuck.

[1:35:09] That's so,

[1:35:10] is that too much to ask for?

[1:35:12] Yeah.

[1:35:12] I mean,

[1:35:12] he's looking into a mirror,

[1:35:13] you'd think he'd have

[1:35:14] better memories.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:15] Now,

[1:35:16] the,

[1:35:16] uh,

[1:35:16] the,

[1:35:17] I would also,

[1:35:17] I would say,

[1:35:18] bad,

[1:35:18] bad movie,

[1:35:18] and I was like,

[1:35:19] I was watching with my wife

[1:35:20] and she could feel this,

[1:35:21] like,

[1:35:22] pain coming off of me

[1:35:23] and I was just,

[1:35:24] and she's like,

[1:35:24] why is this bothering you so much?

[1:35:26] It's bad,

[1:35:26] but I was like,

[1:35:27] I can see the gulf so clearly

[1:35:29] between what they're intending,

[1:35:30] which is like,

[1:35:31] magic and whimsy and fun

[1:35:33] and this deep mythology

[1:35:35] of exciting characters

[1:35:36] and what they're actually presenting,

[1:35:38] which is like,

[1:35:39] just thudding boredom

[1:35:41] through the whole thing,

[1:35:42] and it was like,

[1:35:42] painful to recognize

[1:35:43] how much they,

[1:35:44] how off the mark

[1:35:45] they were about it.

[1:35:46] So,

[1:35:47] it's not very good.

[1:35:48] I'd say,

[1:35:49] if you want to see a movie

[1:35:50] where you have to see

[1:35:51] a bunch of other movies

[1:35:51] to understand it,

[1:35:52] go see Avengers Endgame.

[1:35:54] There's this one part in it

[1:35:55] where,

[1:35:55] Stop talking about it.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:57] This is really dating

[1:35:58] when we did the podcast,

[1:36:00] but,

[1:36:00] uh,

[1:36:01] like,

[1:36:01] I don't know why I'm worried

[1:36:02] about that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:03] I mean,

[1:36:03] it's,

[1:36:04] it's been a couple of days.

[1:36:05] I'm not seeing it,

[1:36:06] uh,

[1:36:06] for a couple more days

[1:36:07] and I've been off

[1:36:07] basically all social media,

[1:36:09] uh,

[1:36:10] except for Instagram

[1:36:11] because you can't spoil

[1:36:11] anything with a picture.

[1:36:13] Um,

[1:36:13] and so,

[1:36:16] I,

[1:36:17] uh,

[1:36:17] I hope nothing important

[1:36:18] happens in the news at all

[1:36:20] because,

[1:36:21] uh,

[1:36:21] I won't hear about it

[1:36:22] until after Tuesday.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:23] I mean,

[1:36:24] I will say,

[1:36:24] there seems to be this

[1:36:25] national consensus,

[1:36:27] do not spoil Endgame

[1:36:28] for anybody

[1:36:29] and is the first,

[1:36:29] it's like,

[1:36:30] we as America

[1:36:31] have united around

[1:36:32] Avengers Endgame

[1:36:33] as,

[1:36:34] this is like the cause

[1:36:35] of our generation

[1:36:36] is to not spoil this movie

[1:36:37] for anyone who hasn't

[1:36:38] seen it yet.

[1:36:39] Yeah,

[1:36:39] yeah,

[1:36:39] and so like,

[1:36:39] on Twitter,

[1:36:40] and I'm amazed kind of

[1:36:41] at how non-specific

[1:36:42] everyone's being about it

[1:36:43] and every movie review

[1:36:45] I've read of it

[1:36:45] says,

[1:36:46] well,

[1:36:46] I won't spoil anything

[1:36:47] and then they don't

[1:36:48] and I'm like,

[1:36:49] this is amazing

[1:36:50] that,

[1:36:51] like,

[1:36:51] this has brought us

[1:36:52] together in a way

[1:36:53] that Obama couldn't,

[1:36:54] that Trump couldn't,

[1:36:55] somehow Avengers Endgame

[1:36:57] is now,

[1:36:57] is our rendezvous

[1:36:58] with destiny,

[1:36:58] so,

[1:36:59] okay.

[1:37:00] Great.

[1:37:01] I hope you guys

[1:37:01] like it when you see it.

[1:37:10] Judge John Hodgman

[1:37:11] ruled in my favor.

John Hodgman

[1:37:13] ruled in my friend's favor.

[1:37:16] ruled in my favor.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:18] I'm Judge John Hodgman.

John Hodgman

[1:37:20] You're hearing the voices

[1:37:21] of real litigants,

[1:37:22] real people

[1:37:22] who have submitted disputes

[1:37:24] to my internet court

[1:37:25] at the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

[1:37:27] I hear their cases,

[1:37:28] I ask them questions,

[1:37:29] they're good ones,

[1:37:30] and then I tell them

[1:37:31] who's right

[1:37:31] and who's wrong.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:33] Thanks to Judge John Hodgman's ruling,

[1:37:35] my dad has been forced

[1:37:36] to retire,

[1:37:36] one of the worst dad jokes

[1:37:38] of all time.

John Hodgman

[1:37:39] Instead of cutting his own hair

[1:37:41] with a flowbeat,

[1:37:42] my husband has his hair cut

[1:37:44] professionally.

[1:37:45] I have to join

[1:37:46] a community theater group.

[1:37:47] And my wife has stopped

[1:37:48] bringing home wild animals.

[1:37:50] It's the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

[1:37:52] Find it every Wednesday

[1:37:53] at MaximumFun.org

[1:37:55] or wherever you download podcasts.

[1:37:59] Thanks, Judge John Hodgman.

[1:38:05] Hello, this is Amy Mann.

[1:38:07] And I'm Ted Leo.

[1:38:08] And we have a podcast

[1:38:09] called The Art of Process.

[1:38:11] We've been lucky enough

[1:38:12] over the past year

[1:38:12] to talk to some of our friends

[1:38:14] and acquaintances

[1:38:14] from across the creative spectrum

[1:38:16] to find out

[1:38:16] how they actually work.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:18] And so I have to write material

[1:38:19] that makes sense

[1:38:20] and makes people laugh.

[1:38:21] I also have to think about

[1:38:23] what I'm saying to people.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:25] If I kick your ass,

[1:38:26] I'll make you famous.

John Hodgman

[1:38:27] The fight to get

[1:38:28] LGBTQ representation

[1:38:29] in the show.

[1:38:31] We weirdly don't know

[1:38:32] as many musicians

[1:38:33] as you would expect.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:34] I really just became

[1:38:35] a political speechwriter

[1:38:35] by accident.

[1:38:36] Realizing that I have

[1:38:37] accidentally

[1:38:38] pulled my pants down.

John Hodgman

[1:38:40] Listen and subscribe

[1:38:41] at MaximumFun.org

[1:38:43] or wherever you get

[1:38:44] your podcasts.

Dan McCoy

[1:38:45] It's like if the guinea pig

[1:38:46] was complicit

[1:38:47] in helping the scientist.

[1:38:51] The Flophouse

[1:38:52] is supported in part

[1:38:53] by Squarespace.

[1:38:54] With Squarespace,

[1:38:56] you can create

[1:38:57] a beautiful website.

[1:39:00] Put your cool idea

[1:39:02] out there into the world.

[1:39:03] Why not?

[1:39:03] You can blog

[1:39:04] or publish content.

[1:39:05] You can sell products

[1:39:06] and services

[1:39:07] of all kind

[1:39:08] and much more.

[1:39:09] Basically,

[1:39:10] anything you can do

[1:39:11] with a website,

[1:39:11] you can do with Squarespace.

[1:39:13] Why don't you say that?

[1:39:14] That's the easiest way

[1:39:15] to say it.

[1:39:16] Hey,

[1:39:17] it features

[1:39:17] beautiful customizable templates

[1:39:19] created by world-class designers,

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[1:39:23] and choose from over 200 extensions,

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[1:39:27] in real time,

[1:39:28] and 24-7 award-winning

[1:39:30] customer support.

[1:39:32] Now, Dan,

[1:39:33] make it stand out

[1:39:33] with a beautiful website

[1:39:34] from Squarespace.

[1:39:35] Yes, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:36] Dan,

[1:39:36] I had an idea

[1:39:36] for a website

[1:39:37] and I was hoping

[1:39:37] that Squarespace

[1:39:38] could help me out with it.

[1:39:40] So, Dan,

[1:39:41] here's an issue

[1:39:41] that a lot of us

[1:39:42] are having.

[1:39:42] Fantastic beasts,

[1:39:44] we know where to find them.

[1:39:46] There's a whole movie

[1:39:46] about it,

[1:39:47] but ordinary beasts,

[1:39:49] it's time for their time

[1:39:50] in the sun

[1:39:50] and we don't know

[1:39:51] where to find them.

Dan McCoy

[1:39:52] The Brooklyn Zoo.

[1:39:54] That's where you find

[1:39:55] ordinary beasts.

[1:39:56] I was going to introduce

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:56] ordinarybeastfinder.com

[1:39:57] but I guess

[1:39:58] you already figured it out.

[1:39:59] So,

[1:39:59] ordinarybeastfinder.com,

[1:40:02] no longer needed.

[1:40:03] Dan just gave it away.

[1:40:04] Squarespace,

[1:40:04] don't you?

Dan McCoy

[1:40:06] Yeah,

[1:40:06] check out

[1:40:07] squarespace.com

[1:40:08] slash flop

[1:40:08] for a free trial

[1:40:10] and when you're ready

[1:40:11] to launch,

[1:40:12] use the offer code

[1:40:13] flop

[1:40:13] to save 10%

[1:40:15] off your first purchase

[1:40:16] of a website

[1:40:16] or domain.

[1:40:17] Hey,

[1:40:18] I got one Jumbotron here.

[1:40:21] Before we get to this Jumbotron,

[1:40:23] J-J-J-Jumbotron.

[1:40:24] Just a moment of explanation.

[1:40:27] Elliot has disappeared

[1:40:28] for the rest of the episode.

[1:40:29] That is because

[1:40:30] he had a family emergency.

[1:40:33] Nothing that you guys

[1:40:35] need to worry about.

[1:40:36] Do not be upset

[1:40:37] other than the fact

[1:40:40] that you'll miss him

[1:40:41] for the rest of the episode.

[1:40:42] But it was something

[1:40:43] that he needed

[1:40:44] to take care of right away.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:45] We're going to have to do

[1:40:46] all the talking.

[1:40:47] Yeah.

[1:40:47] So,

[1:40:48] I'm going to go do

[1:40:49] a couple lines

[1:40:50] in the bathroom

[1:40:50] so I can speed up

[1:40:52] my voice.

Dan McCoy

[1:40:53] Okay.

[1:40:55] So,

[1:40:56] on to the Jumbotron.

[1:40:57] This is from

[1:40:58] Eliana.

[1:40:59] I believe that's how

[1:41:00] one would pronounce that.

[1:41:01] Yep, sure.

[1:41:02] And it's from Lydia

[1:41:04] who writes,

[1:41:06] Hi, Eliana.

[1:41:07] It's Dan,

[1:41:07] your favorite flopper.

[1:41:09] I wrote this message

[1:41:10] because you're perfect

[1:41:10] and I love you.

[1:41:11] You're the woman

[1:41:12] with whom I want to watch

[1:41:13] movies on planes

[1:41:14] to whom I long

[1:41:14] to complain about my knee,

[1:41:16] whose hair I yearn

[1:41:17] to stroke with my hook hands.

[1:41:18] In short,

[1:41:19] I want yours to be

[1:41:20] the wife's butt

[1:41:21] that I covet.

[1:41:21] Will you marry me?

[1:41:22] Seabiscuit out.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:23] This is awkward

[1:41:24] because it's awkward

Dan McCoy

[1:41:26] that I revealed

[1:41:27] that I have a girlfriend

[1:41:28] on the episode

[1:41:29] that this came up

[1:41:31] and now I appear

[1:41:32] to be engaged.

[1:41:33] Yeah.

[1:41:34] I got tricked

[1:41:34] into an engagement.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:36] Yeah,

[1:41:36] I think on one hand

[1:41:37] I feel like Elliot

[1:41:39] would have liked

[1:41:39] to hear that

[1:41:40] but on another hand

[1:41:41] I think he probably

[1:41:42] engineered a family

[1:41:43] emergency in advance.

[1:41:45] Yeah,

[1:41:45] just to get out of that.

Dan McCoy

[1:41:48] So,

[1:41:49] yeah,

[1:41:50] I don't know

[1:41:51] what to do.

[1:41:51] I guess

[1:41:52] I'll have to move

[1:41:54] to wherever

[1:41:54] this is a binding contract

[1:41:55] and you're legally

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:56] obligated to upload

[1:41:57] this episode.

[1:41:59] So,

[1:42:00] whoops.

[1:42:01] Whoopsie.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:04] Apologies.

[1:42:04] Okay,

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:04] and what do we do now?

Dan McCoy

[1:42:06] Well,

[1:42:07] actually,

[1:42:08] before we move on,

[1:42:09] just a quick reminder

[1:42:11] of a couple of things.

[1:42:12] Okay.

[1:42:13] From,

[1:42:14] I'm just going to

[1:42:15] go on over to the website

[1:42:16] to remind myself.

[1:42:18] If you go to the website

[1:42:18] and that website

[1:42:19] is flophousepodcast.com

[1:42:21] Yeah.

[1:42:22] you have a list

[1:42:23] of all the live shows

[1:42:24] coming up.

[1:42:24] If you click on events

[1:42:25] on June 8th

[1:42:26] we'll be in Portland.

[1:42:28] That is

[1:42:29] Portland,

[1:42:30] Oregon,

[1:42:31] not

[1:42:31] Washington

[1:42:33] as I put on

[1:42:34] before

[1:42:34] as an accident.

[1:42:36] I think you probably

[1:42:37] all knew

[1:42:37] what I meant.

[1:42:40] I was thinking

[1:42:41] about Seattle

[1:42:41] in my head

[1:42:42] because those two

[1:42:43] cities are so linked

[1:42:45] in my brain.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:47] I hope people

[1:42:47] didn't buy tickets

[1:42:48] for a show

[1:42:49] in Portland,

[1:42:50] Washington.

[1:42:50] I don't think so.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:51] I think the ticket

[1:42:52] link takes them

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:52] to a Portland,

[1:42:54] Oregon.

[1:42:55] Hopefully no

[1:42:56] quick talking grifter

[1:42:58] didn't trick anybody

[1:42:59] by setting up

[1:43:00] a fake show.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:02] On the 13th of July

[1:43:03] we'll be in Minneapolis.

[1:43:05] On the 28th

[1:43:06] of September

[1:43:07] we'll be in Boston.

[1:43:08] There was an early

[1:43:09] show that sold out.

[1:43:10] We have a second

[1:43:11] show,

[1:43:12] a late show.

[1:43:13] See us when we're

[1:43:13] loopy and worn out.

[1:43:17] On October 12th

[1:43:19] we'll be in LA.

[1:43:20] That's all on the

[1:43:21] events page

[1:43:22] at flophousepodcast.com.

[1:43:24] Also at

[1:43:25] flophousepodcast.com

[1:43:26] if you navigate

[1:43:27] over to the

[1:43:28] blog section,

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:29] I bet you didn't

[1:43:30] know we had

[1:43:31] a blog section,

Dan McCoy

[1:43:32] you'll find that

[1:43:33] there's a t-shirt

[1:43:34] contest going on

[1:43:35] to design,

[1:43:37] for you guys

[1:43:37] to design our

[1:43:38] next t-shirt

[1:43:39] for a merch store.

[1:43:41] There are prizes,

[1:43:42] not huge prizes,

[1:43:43] but prizes,

[1:43:44] and all the

[1:43:45] technical details

[1:43:45] can be found there.

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:47] And you also

[1:43:49] get the bragging

[1:43:49] rights of

[1:43:50] creating a t-shirt

[1:43:52] for a podcast

[1:43:53] that people

[1:43:54] might have

[1:43:56] heard of.

[1:43:57] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:57] Probably not.

[1:43:59] So moving on

[1:43:59] to letters

[1:44:00] from listeners

[1:44:01] like you.

[1:44:03] This first letter

[1:44:04] is from Kevin,

[1:44:05] last name withheld.

[1:44:07] Okay.

[1:44:07] Who writes,

[1:44:08] my name is...

[1:44:08] Kevin James.

[1:44:09] Yeah.

[1:44:10] He writes,

[1:44:11] my name is Kevin.

[1:44:12] I've noticed

[1:44:13] in movies and TV shows

[1:44:14] that almost

[1:44:15] every character

[1:44:16] named Kevin

[1:44:16] is either an

[1:44:17] asshole bully

[1:44:18] or an awkward

[1:44:19] loser.

[1:44:20] The real world

[1:44:21] is full of

[1:44:22] Kevins of all stripes,

[1:44:23] but for some reason

[1:44:24] those two categories

[1:44:24] seem to encompass

[1:44:25] most fictional Kevins.

[1:44:27] The notable exception

[1:44:28] to this is

[1:44:29] Kevin McAllister

[1:44:30] from the Home Alone

[1:44:30] franchise.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:31] Who's a bully

[1:44:32] and a murderer.

[1:44:33] Well, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:44:35] The letter goes on

[1:44:35] to say,

[1:44:36] however,

[1:44:36] he's so obviously

[1:44:37] a budding serial killer

[1:44:38] that he may as well

[1:44:39] be the asshole bully

[1:44:40] category.

[1:44:41] He's like

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:42] Jigsaw Jr.

Dan McCoy

[1:44:44] Yeah.

[1:44:45] So my question

[1:44:46] for you is this.

[1:44:48] Have you noticed

[1:44:48] any trends

[1:44:49] for characters

[1:44:50] you share a name

[1:44:50] with or any names

[1:44:52] that always seem

[1:44:53] to be the same

[1:44:53] type of character?

[1:44:55] Best wishes

[1:44:56] Kevin last name

[1:44:57] withheld.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:59] Yeah.

[1:44:59] I mean,

[1:45:00] I,

[1:45:01] let's see,

[1:45:02] stewards in popular

[1:45:03] media usually

[1:45:04] are like

[1:45:06] at worst

[1:45:07] they're like

[1:45:08] an insufferable

[1:45:09] kind of bland

[1:45:10] nerd character

[1:45:12] or I think

[1:45:14] at best

[1:45:15] they're like

[1:45:15] like a Baxter

[1:45:17] type character

[1:45:18] who is the one

[1:45:19] who eventually

[1:45:20] that the romantic

[1:45:22] lead is with

[1:45:23] and then leaves

[1:45:24] to be with

[1:45:24] the other romantic

[1:45:25] lead.

Dan McCoy

[1:45:27] Only Dan

[1:45:27] I can think of

[1:45:28] offhand

[1:45:28] is of course

[1:45:28] Dan Fielding

[1:45:29] from Night Court.

Stuart Wellington

[1:45:31] Yeah,

[1:45:31] that's pretty accurate.

Dan McCoy

[1:45:32] A true parvizoid

[1:45:33] so I guess

[1:45:35] that,

Stuart Wellington

[1:45:35] I don't know.

[1:45:36] I guess that continues

[1:45:36] your trend,

[1:45:37] yeah.

[1:45:37] I feel like

[1:45:39] in media

[1:45:39] usually if you

[1:45:40] have a character

[1:45:41] named like

[1:45:42] Chuck,

[1:45:42] well that character

[1:45:43] is going to be

[1:45:43] hilarious.

[1:45:44] If you have a character

[1:45:45] named Brock

[1:45:47] or like Chad

[1:45:48] they're going to be

[1:45:49] like a big tough guy

[1:45:51] unless it's Chaz Palminteri

[1:45:52] and if you have

[1:45:55] a character named

[1:45:56] like Nerdbert

[1:45:57] well they're going

[1:45:58] to be a nerd.

[1:45:59] I mean it's kind of

[1:45:59] right there in the name

[1:46:00] so you got any

[1:46:02] of those?

[1:46:03] Like Brittany

[1:46:04] is usually going to be

[1:46:05] kind of a spacey

Dan McCoy

[1:46:06] Yeah.

[1:46:07] The frat Chad

[1:46:08] was like the one

[1:46:09] I had in my head

[1:46:10] so yeah,

[1:46:11] I don't really have

[1:46:12] anything.

Stuart Wellington

[1:46:12] You have a character

[1:46:13] named like Cornelius

[1:46:14] they're probably

[1:46:15] They're probably

Dan McCoy

[1:46:16] an old time

[1:46:17] like they sell

[1:46:19] elixirs out of a wagon.

Stuart Wellington

[1:46:21] Yep,

[1:46:22] they're really

[1:46:22] into steampunk.

[1:46:24] If you have an Elliot

[1:46:25] well of course

[1:46:26] it's a dragon.

Dan McCoy

[1:46:29] Moving on to a letter

[1:46:30] from Matthew

[1:46:34] Key writes,

[1:46:35] my question is about

[1:46:36] awkward movie watching

[1:46:37] experiences.

[1:46:38] I was once invited

[1:46:39] by a girl

[1:46:40] I was dating

[1:46:41] to quote

[1:46:41] watch a movie

[1:46:42] and have some fun

[1:46:43] at her house.

[1:46:44] She was deeply

[1:46:45] religious

[1:46:46] and we had

[1:46:46] a chaste relationship

[1:46:47] but being the

[1:46:48] horny young man

[1:46:49] that I was at the time

[1:46:50] I naturally assumed

[1:46:51] this was code.

[1:46:52] Needless to say

[1:46:53] I was not a little

[1:46:54] surprised when I

[1:46:54] arrived with a bottle

[1:46:55] of wine to find

[1:46:56] her grandmother

[1:46:57] parents

[1:46:58] and protective

[1:46:58] older brother

[1:46:59] waiting for me

[1:47:00] in the living room.

Stuart Wellington

[1:47:01] It seemed

Dan McCoy

[1:47:06] they had decided

[1:47:07] that this was

[1:47:08] the right occasion

[1:47:08] to inquire

[1:47:09] as to my intentions

[1:47:10] with their daughter

[1:47:11] slash sister

[1:47:11] and emphasize

[1:47:12] their religious values.

[1:47:14] I survived

[1:47:15] this preliminary

[1:47:15] conversation

[1:47:16] and was relieved

[1:47:16] when the movie

[1:47:17] started.

[1:47:18] Words cannot

[1:47:19] describe the

[1:47:20] palpable tension

[1:47:21] when during

[1:47:21] quote

[1:47:22] the reluctant

[1:47:23] fundamentalist

[1:47:24] a sex scene

[1:47:25] that seemed

[1:47:26] to last forever

[1:47:26] ensued

[1:47:27] and her pious

[1:47:28] family members

[1:47:29] frowned and tutted

[1:47:30] with disapproval

[1:47:31] while her brother

[1:47:32] intermittently

[1:47:33] looked at me

[1:47:34] with a kind of

[1:47:34] don't be getting

[1:47:35] any ideas

[1:47:36] sort of glare.

[1:47:37] When the scene

[1:47:38] was over

[1:47:38] her grandma

[1:47:39] with perfect timing

[1:47:40] said

[1:47:40] we can all

[1:47:41] breathe out now.

[1:47:43] So my question

[1:47:43] to you is this

[1:47:44] have you ever had

[1:47:45] an awkward

[1:47:46] movie watching

[1:47:46] experience

[1:47:47] where the social

[1:47:47] makeup of the room

[1:47:48] and the chosen

[1:47:49] film

[1:47:50] was all wrong?

[1:47:52] Lots of love

[1:47:52] and keep on flopping

[1:47:53] in the free world.

[1:47:55] Matthew

Stuart Wellington

[1:47:58] Oh that's tough

[1:47:58] because I think

[1:47:59] every single

[1:48:00] one of these

[1:48:01] would just be

[1:48:01] a movie

[1:48:03] watching experience

[1:48:03] that I had

[1:48:04] at one of

[1:48:04] Dan's movie

[1:48:05] nights.

[1:48:06] Okay.

[1:48:06] But like

[1:48:07] a lot of times

[1:48:08] when you do

[1:48:08] those horror

[1:48:09] movie parties

[1:48:09] I think

[1:48:10] sometimes

[1:48:10] you'll make

[1:48:11] a choice

[1:48:12] that's maybe

[1:48:12] wrong for the

[1:48:13] wrong for the

[1:48:14] room?

[1:48:15] Yeah like

[1:48:15] watching brain

[1:48:16] damage with a

[1:48:16] bunch of

[1:48:16] people who

[1:48:17] aren't ready

[1:48:17] to see a

[1:48:18] woman get

[1:48:19] killed by

[1:48:20] the worm

[1:48:21] that she

[1:48:21] thought was

[1:48:22] going to be

[1:48:22] a penis.

Dan McCoy

[1:48:24] Yeah.

[1:48:24] Alright.

[1:48:25] That's fair.

[1:48:26] I did think

[1:48:27] to myself

[1:48:27] maybe this

[1:48:28] was a bad

[1:48:29] call when I

[1:48:30] screened that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:48:31] I mean I'm not saying it was like the worst thing in the world but like I feel like the audience was visibly

[1:48:36] not into it.

[1:48:37] Not into it?

Dan McCoy

[1:48:38] Mm-hmm.

[1:48:39] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[1:48:40] This isn't quite the same thing but like I used to have a roommate who every time we watched a movie

[1:48:45] that featured characters with tattoos he would loudly complain about how fake their tattoos looked.

[1:48:53] Yeah.

[1:48:53] Which made movies like we started watching like Place Beyond the Pines and I'm like I'm not that worried about the tattoos man.

[1:49:00] I'm just into this movie.

[1:49:02] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:49:04] I don't yeah.

[1:49:05] I don't really have a good one.

[1:49:08] I do remember that when I was younger I was watching Dangerous Liaisons with my cousin.

[1:49:21] This is not really an answer to the question.

[1:49:23] It's just the only thing that sprung into my mind.

[1:49:25] We're watching Dangerous Liaisons which I had seen before.

[1:49:29] Yeah.

[1:49:29] And my mom came into the room and she was like what are you guys doing?

[1:49:33] Like she was like she was very upset that I was watching this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:49:37] Because she thinks you should have been watching Cruel Intentions.

Dan McCoy

[1:49:40] She was like that's a much more age appropriate version of the story.

[1:49:44] No I mean like you know I don't know it's not like you see Uma Thurman's breasts in a scene.

[1:49:49] It's not like it's crazy.

[1:49:51] Yeah.

[1:49:52] So I don't know like she was very distressed by that in a way that I think she didn't need to be.

Stuart Wellington

[1:50:01] Yeah that's fair.

[1:50:03] Yeah it's like the famous story I say about my mom walking in watching me see the sex scene of Terminator.

[1:50:11] And I was laughing during it and she turned off the VHS tape forcibly because as she said it's no laughing matter.

[1:50:21] They're doing it for the future.

[1:50:23] What?

[1:50:24] Yeah yeah it was like my favorite thing my mom's ever said to me.

[1:50:29] Like thank you for like explaining the narrative.

[1:50:32] Yeah it was awesome.

Dan McCoy

[1:50:33] Really engaged by this movie.

[1:50:35] She really cared about the future.

[1:50:36] Yeah.

[1:50:37] All right this last letter is from David last name censored under the official secrets act.

[1:50:44] Oh wow.

[1:50:46] He says hey floperoonies I have a conundrum that only you three can solve.

[1:50:50] The three in question are of course Dan Stewart and the flop house cat.

[1:50:54] Oh okay.

[1:50:55] As a gentleman of the English persuasion I occasionally find American accents hard to understand.

[1:51:00] Somewhat ironic considering I'm from the north of the UK where accents vary more than Elliot's pitch in a letter song.

[1:51:07] I have listened to almost 200 episodes of the podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[1:51:11] Wait Dan I gotta mop up all this tea David just spilled.

Dan McCoy

[1:51:17] I have only some almost 200 episodes of the podcast and I've just realized that I can't tell Dan and Stewart apart.

[1:51:23] Wow.

[1:51:23] This must be your nightmare scenario then now that Elliot's gone.

Stuart Wellington

[1:51:26] Yeah he's thinking it's like an Andy Serkis Gollum situation where one person's doing both voices.

[1:51:30] Well wait that no wait that was he thinks it's the same voice.

[1:51:33] Just go on.

Dan McCoy

[1:51:35] So I'm proposing two potential solutions neither of which require any effort or work on my part obviously.

[1:51:40] Uh huh.

[1:51:40] Either Dan and Stewart begin each sentence with their names a la Pokemon.

[1:51:44] Uh huh yeah.

[1:51:45] Or Archie can be trained to meow every time Dan speaks thereby confirming it is his master speaking.

[1:51:50] I suggest nothing in return for these suggestions besides.

[1:51:53] I request nothing in return for these suggestions besides undying gratitude.

[1:51:58] Uh huh.

[1:51:58] Yours in flopitude David.

Stuart Wellington

[1:52:00] So which one do you want to do Dan?

[1:52:02] Um.

[1:52:03] Hmm.

[1:52:03] Do you want to start saying what?

[1:52:05] Uh Stuart is saying do you want to start saying our names?

[1:52:08] Uh Dan is saying no.

Dan McCoy

[1:52:10] That seems onerous.

Stuart Wellington

[1:52:11] I don't know if I can.

[1:52:12] Stuart is saying I don't know it's going to.

[1:52:14] Uh I already am having trouble.

Dan McCoy

[1:52:18] Yeah I guess we'll have to train Archie.

[1:52:21] I guess that's the only option.

Stuart Wellington

[1:52:23] Okay well Archie has already left the room.

Dan McCoy

[1:52:26] Okay so we'll have to get on that.

[1:52:27] Fuck this.

[1:52:28] Next time.

[1:52:30] Uh let's do this fast.

[1:52:32] I can feel the weight of talking this much.

[1:52:36] Uh weighing on both of us.

[1:52:38] I don't know what you're talking about.

[1:52:39] I'm loving this.

[1:52:40] Finally.

[1:52:40] Stuart's time to shine.

[1:52:43] Um.

[1:52:44] We should do recommendations.

[1:52:46] Of movies you should definitely watch.

[1:52:48] Instead of uh.

[1:52:50] Crimble Wand.

Stuart Wellington

[1:52:51] Crimes of Crimble Wand.

[1:52:52] Uh I'm going to talk about a movie.

[1:52:54] Uh that's also a little bit about old timey bullshit.

[1:52:58] Uh I'm going to recommend the movie.

[1:53:00] Only Lovers Left Alive.

[1:53:02] Uh the Jim Jarmusch vampire movie.

[1:53:04] Uh starring Tom Hiddleston.

[1:53:06] And Tilda Swinton.

[1:53:08] And also a little guy named John Hurt.

[1:53:11] Uh so.

[1:53:13] After I said those four names.

[1:53:14] Uh you are probably already.

[1:53:16] If you haven't seen it.

[1:53:17] You're already probably.

[1:53:18] Pulling it over to your Netflix queue.

[1:53:21] And hitting play.

[1:53:22] Uh.

[1:53:22] But it's this great little vampire movie.

[1:53:24] That mainly focuses on like.

[1:53:27] Hanging out.

[1:53:28] And how uh.

[1:53:30] Being a vampire would.

[1:53:31] A lot of it would just be like.

[1:53:33] Kind of a hassle.

[1:53:34] And be kind of boring.

[1:53:36] And uh.

[1:53:39] And how the like.

[1:53:40] Horror of it.

[1:53:41] Is just becoming more and more.

[1:53:43] Uh distanced.

[1:53:44] From the world that you're a part of.

[1:53:46] And how.

[1:53:48] How that can weigh on you.

[1:53:49] Um.

[1:53:50] And also.

[1:53:50] How you can both dislike humans.

[1:53:53] Uh because of your differences.

[1:53:55] But also require them.

[1:53:56] As a reflection.

[1:53:57] For your own artistic.

[1:53:58] And uh.

[1:53:59] Emotional impulses.

[1:54:00] Uh.

[1:54:01] But yeah.

[1:54:02] I thought it was great.

[1:54:03] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:54:05] And I will recommend a movie.

[1:54:07] That uh.

[1:54:08] Probably needs no recommendation.

[1:54:09] Because I think it's doing.

[1:54:10] Fairly well in the theaters.

[1:54:12] But these days.

[1:54:13] I don't see a lot of stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[1:54:15] Uh huh.

[1:54:15] What are you going to recommend?

[1:54:16] I saw Shazam.

[1:54:18] Oh.

[1:54:19] Oh wow.

[1:54:20] I got scared for a second.

Dan McCoy

[1:54:22] Which uh.

[1:54:23] You know.

[1:54:24] Like the fun thing about Shazam.

[1:54:25] Is that like.

[1:54:26] It's really actually.

[1:54:27] Kind of like this sweet movie.

[1:54:29] About.

[1:54:30] A kid finding his place.

[1:54:33] In a group home.

[1:54:34] An orphaned kid.

[1:54:35] Finding his place in a group home.

[1:54:36] Sort of dressed up.

[1:54:37] As a big goofy.

[1:54:40] Superhero movie.

[1:54:41] And uh.

[1:54:42] It's just.

[1:54:43] You know.

[1:54:43] It's.

[1:54:44] It's funny.

[1:54:45] And sweet.

[1:54:45] And you know.

[1:54:46] People compare it to.

[1:54:48] Big obviously.

[1:54:49] And it's got some of the same spirit.

[1:54:51] Without.

[1:54:51] Someone having sex with a.

[1:54:53] Yeah.

[1:54:53] Little boy.

[1:54:55] And uh.

[1:54:56] It's.

[1:54:57] It's great.

[1:54:57] I will say that at.

[1:54:59] 130 some minutes.

[1:55:01] It's way too long.

[1:55:03] Especially.

Stuart Wellington

[1:55:04] Like Aquaman being two and a half hours.

[1:55:06] Get the fuck out of here.

[1:55:07] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:55:08] Especially.

[1:55:09] Um.

[1:55:10] Especially the last.

[1:55:11] Fucking fight.

[1:55:12] Which.

[1:55:13] Goes on for so goddamn long.

[1:55:15] That like.

[1:55:16] I heard the woman.

[1:55:18] Halfway through it.

[1:55:19] Not even like towards the end.

[1:55:20] Halfway through it.

[1:55:20] The woman next to me.

[1:55:22] Said.

[1:55:22] Um.

[1:55:24] This is a long fight scene.

[1:55:26] And.

[1:55:27] Even.

[1:55:28] Even though I was at the Alamo draft house.

[1:55:30] With their famous.

[1:55:30] No talking policy.

[1:55:31] I could not get mad at her.

[1:55:32] Because she spake.

[1:55:33] Such.

[1:55:34] Uh.

[1:55:35] Such truth.

[1:55:36] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:55:36] To this movie.

[1:55:37] Afterwards.

[1:55:38] You went up to the front desk.

[1:55:39] And you're like.

[1:55:39] I would like to request.

[1:55:40] A new movie series.

[1:55:42] This woman.

[1:55:43] Explaining truth to me.

Dan McCoy

[1:55:44] Yeah.

[1:55:45] So.

[1:55:46] Uh.

[1:55:47] But otherwise.

[1:55:47] Otherwise.

[1:55:48] I will say.

[1:55:49] This movie would be.

[1:55:50] Kind of a perfect family film.

[1:55:51] Except for.

[1:55:52] There's.

[1:55:53] Some surprising.

[1:55:54] Violence in it.

[1:55:55] Like.

[1:55:55] There's a scene.

[1:55:56] In a board room.

[1:55:56] Where like.

[1:55:57] A big.

[1:55:57] Scary monster.

[1:55:58] Bites someone's head off.

[1:56:00] Whoa.

[1:56:00] And like.

[1:56:01] Selling point.

[1:56:02] There's a scene.

[1:56:02] Where like.

[1:56:03] Santa Claus.

[1:56:04] Is on fire.

[1:56:05] Like a guy dressed in a Santa Claus suit.

[1:56:06] He shows up.

[1:56:07] Okay.

[1:56:07] Later on.

[1:56:08] But like.

[1:56:09] I.

[1:56:09] I watched it.

[1:56:10] And as a childless man.

[1:56:12] This is not usually a concern of mine.

[1:56:14] But it's such a sweet movie.

[1:56:15] Otherwise.

[1:56:16] That I.

[1:56:16] I did think.

[1:56:17] Like.

[1:56:17] That's unnecessary.

[1:56:18] Like.

[1:56:18] A kid.

[1:56:19] Should be able to see this movie.

[1:56:20] It's a lot of fun.

Stuart Wellington

[1:56:23] Like the end of.

[1:56:24] The end of the Kingsman.

[1:56:25] Where you're like.

[1:56:26] Oh.

[1:56:26] This would be a fun movie.

[1:56:27] For a teenage.

[1:56:28] Teenager to watch.

[1:56:29] And then you're like.

[1:56:30] Oh no.

[1:56:31] Oh.

[1:56:31] This isn't a fun movie.

[1:56:32] For anyone to watch.

[1:56:34] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[1:56:36] Yeah.

[1:56:37] So that's the show.

[1:56:39] I guess.

[1:56:39] That's.

Stuart Wellington

[1:56:40] Right.

[1:56:40] That's the Flophouse podcast.

[1:56:42] Sadly.

[1:56:42] Elliot's not here.

[1:56:43] He probably would have told you about some kind of old timey movie.

[1:56:47] That you may or may not have heard of.

[1:56:49] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:56:49] That it was.

[1:56:52] People exiting.

[1:56:53] A factory.

[1:56:54] Or whatever that.

[1:56:56] That first.

[1:56:57] Movie that was ever shot was.

[1:56:59] So let's.

[1:57:00] Let's say that that was what he recommended.

Stuart Wellington

[1:57:02] Yeah.

[1:57:02] But he would he would give a description of the movie that would be longer than the movie

[1:57:07] itself.

[1:57:07] And you would all be impressed.

[1:57:11] But yeah.

[1:57:12] So that's us.

[1:57:13] This is a podcast.

[1:57:15] You can find it.

[1:57:15] We're part of the Maximum Fun Network.

[1:57:17] You can find it over at MaximumFun.org.

[1:57:20] There's a lot of other great shows over there that cater to all different types of stuff.

[1:57:25] Comedy.

[1:57:25] Culture.

[1:57:26] Comedy and culture.

[1:57:27] You know.

[1:57:29] And you can also find us here every two weeks.

[1:57:33] For the Flophouse.

[1:57:34] I've been Stuart Wellington.

Dan McCoy

[1:57:35] And I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:57:37] Somehow this was a more professional ending than normal.

Stuart Wellington

[1:57:41] Because I'm behind the wheel.

[1:57:42] Bye.

[1:57:43] Bye.

Elliott Kalan

[1:57:59] So.

[1:58:00] Okay.

[1:58:00] Dan.

[1:58:01] You're not feeling so well.

[1:58:02] Stu.

[1:58:03] You're coming off of a cold.

[1:58:05] Guys.

[1:58:05] Yeah.

[1:58:05] I'm doing fine.

[1:58:06] I'm not used to doing this.

[1:58:08] But I guess I'm going to have to do a lot of talking during this episode.

[1:58:10] Oh.

[1:58:10] Oh boy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:58:12] Uh oh.

[1:58:13] Fasten your seat belts.

[1:58:17] Your sneet belts?

[1:58:18] I was trying to come up with a joke.

[1:58:21] But I couldn't.

Elliott Kalan

[1:58:22] Fasten your meat belts.

[1:58:23] It's going to be a meaty ride.

[1:58:27] I think that's what I would say if I was hosting a steak eating contest.

[1:58:30] Yeah.

[1:58:31] Is I would say fasten your meat belts.

Stuart Wellington

[1:58:33] And then you would pause for applause.

[1:58:36] Yeah.

[1:58:39] Maximumfun.org.

[1:58:41] Comedy and culture.

[1:58:42] Artist owned.

[1:58:43] Audience supported.

Ep. #284 - Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindlewald

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