Ep. #289 - Robin Hood

Stuart Wellington

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Robin Hood.

[0:03] You mean The Adventures of Robin Hood from 1938?

[0:05] No, not that one.

[0:06] Robin Hood from 1973?

[0:08] No.

[0:09] Robin Hood Prince of Thieves from 1991?

[0:11] No.

[0:12] Robin Hood Men in Tights from 1993?

[0:14] Nope.

[0:16] No.

[0:17] Then Robin Hood from 2018?

[0:20] That's the one.

Dan McCoy

Elliott Kalan

[1:00] Everyone's like, are they in a professional sound studio?

[1:02] Yeah.

[1:03] Maybe where Paul McCartney recorded most of the parts for the Wings albums?

[1:07] Oh, he did that?

Stuart Wellington

[1:08] He did that in a sound studio?

Elliott Kalan

[1:10] Yeah, yeah.

[1:10] He didn't do it just like in a La Quinta Suites hotel room.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14] Well, it sounds so great because you were nailing up eggshell foam in the room, right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:19] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:20] Well, I lose my deposit on this hotel room.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22] I mean, I think it doesn't matter.

[1:24] It just sounds so good.

[1:25] You'll just play the podcast for them and they'll just be like,

[1:27] nothing in the rule book says you can't put eggshell foam in here.

[1:31] I'm pretty sure there is a rule book that says you can't just nail stuff to the walls.

Dan McCoy

[1:34] We'll figure that out.

[1:35] Yeah, but it's no joke.

[1:37] We're in a glamorous La Quinta.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39] Woo!

[1:40] The hotel's so glamorous they provide shampoo but not conditioner.

[1:45] Sorry, Rockefeller.

Dan McCoy

[1:47] And the tiniest of the tiny shampoo bottles.

[1:50] Even for a hotel room, it's a tiny bottle.

Elliott Kalan

[1:53] Yeah.

[1:54] I accidentally snapped the cap right off the top of it while trying to open it.

[1:58] And I thought for a second, was I hit by radiation?

[2:01] Has my strength been increased a thousandfold?

[2:03] Yeah.

[2:03] No.

Stuart Wellington

[2:04] No.

[2:04] Or maybe there's like a bullet that has been lodged in your brain

[2:08] and it's slowly traveling toward the center of your brain to kill you.

[2:11] But in the meantime, it makes you super strong.

Elliott Kalan

[2:13] That's how medicine works.

Dan McCoy

[2:15] Anyway, what do we do on this podcast, Dan?

[2:18] Well, guys, it's a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

Elliott Kalan

[2:22] Here's my favorite thing about what just happened.

[2:24] Dan asked himself the question and then seems to not remember what the answer is for a moment.

[2:30] They say when you're a lawyer, never ask a question you don't know the answer to.

[2:33] But I would say in real life, never ask yourself a question you don't know the answer to.

Stuart Wellington

[2:37] What I like about that bit, Elliot, is, oh yeah, you did it.

Elliott Kalan

[2:45] So, Dan, we watched a bad movie.

[2:46] Now we're going to talk about it.

Dan McCoy

[2:48] Yeah, we watched Robin Hood.

[2:50] No extra words.

[2:52] No.

[2:52] Like, we all know it's not a Men in Tights.

[2:54] It's not a Prince of Thieves.

[2:56] It's just, we all know Robin Hood, the character, no waffling around, no venting about Robin Hood.

Stuart Wellington

[3:02] Yeah, no Robin Hood colon bad boy boogie or anything like that.

[3:07] No.

[3:07] No, that would have been appropriate, I think.

[3:09] Robin Hood colon wild in the streets.

[3:11] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[3:12] Now, I'm surprised, we'll get into it, but I'm surprised since they wanted to make this movie kind of gritty and modern,

[3:18] that they didn't just call it Hood.

Dan McCoy

[3:20] That would have made more sense.

Elliott Kalan

[3:21] Was it because of the TV show The Cape?

Dan McCoy

[3:24] They thought it was too so hard.

[3:25] Now, was that a TV show about...

Elliott Kalan

[3:28] A man who makes capes, yes.

[3:29] Cape Cod?

[3:29] Yeah, it was about a man who makes capes on Cape Cod.

[3:32] Uh-huh.

Stuart Wellington

[3:33] Because there's a villain who owns much of the property in Cape Cod whose name is Chess.

Elliott Kalan

[3:38] Yep.

[3:40] So, Dan, Robin Hood.

Stuart Wellington

[3:42] Yes.

[3:43] Wait.

Elliott Kalan

[3:43] Explain.

[3:45] Well, do you want me to explain the character of Robin Hood?

[3:47] Yeah.

[3:47] So, anyone who's not familiar with the centuries-old character of Robin Hood, what's his deal?

[3:52] What's he like?

[3:53] What are his turn-ons and turn-offs?

[3:54] Is he just like us?

Dan McCoy

[3:55] In the simplest of words, Elliot, he robs from the rich and he gives to the poor.

Elliott Kalan

[4:00] I thought you were like, in the simplest of words, Elliot, he, man, take thing.

[4:05] He, man, take thing, not his.

[4:07] Now, in the earliest versions-

[4:09] No, wait.

[4:09] Okay.

[4:09] He robs from the rich and he gives to the poor.

[4:10] Where?

[4:10] In 1970s Burbank, California?

[4:13] No, in-

[4:13] Is it in 1920s Paris?

[4:14] Is it like a caveman?

[4:16] Where, Dan?

[4:17] Give us, set me a scene.

Dan McCoy

[4:18] In old-time England.

[4:20] Ah, the merry old era?

[4:22] Merry old era.

[4:23] In Sherwood Forest and in Nottingham.

[4:26] Okay.

[4:27] And, uh...

Stuart Wellington

[4:27] Back when everybody had green sleeves playing in their Walkman.

Elliott Kalan

[4:32] You could not pass a car window without hearing green sleeves blasting out of it.

[4:36] It was surely the song-eth of the summer.

Dan McCoy

[4:39] Now, in the earliest versions of Robin Hood, Robin Hood was a member of the, uh, human class?

Elliott Kalan

[4:45] How do you pronounce that?

[4:46] Yeoman.

[4:46] Yeoman class?

[4:47] Oh, yeoman class.

[4:47] No, he was also a human.

[4:48] He was a human.

[4:49] If this was D&D, he would be a human class.

Dan McCoy

[4:51] I mean, that's not a class.

[4:52] It's a race.

Elliott Kalan

[4:54] I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[4:55] He was a landowner, but he was not a noble.

[4:59] In later versions of Robin Hood's story, he was a noble who turned against the government.

[5:05] And that is the more popular one to adapt these days, it seems.

[5:09] When he was a yeoman...

Stuart Wellington

[5:09] It's great when, like, a super wealthy, rich landholder deigns to give poor people stuff.

[5:15] Yeah.

[5:15] Yeah, we'll get to that.

[5:16] That's one of the...

Elliott Kalan

[5:16] So, he was Robin of Locksley, right?

[5:19] Mm-hmm.

[5:19] So, you're saying, like, when he was a yeoman farmer, it was just, that's Robin who lives

[5:22] in Locksley.

[5:23] But then he became Lord Robin, owner of Locksley.

[5:25] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[5:26] My knowledge is not that deep.

Stuart Wellington

[5:28] The thing is, is that you don't need to have that much knowledge, because as the movie opens

[5:32] and we look at a leather-bound tome that says Robin Hood on it, we get some narration

[5:37] from a character named Tuck.

[5:39] Oh, boy.

[5:40] Everlasting.

[5:40] Who is immediately winking at the audience, being like, hey, all that stuff about history,

[5:46] forget all that shit.

[5:47] What year is it?

[5:48] Who cares?

[5:49] Let's just do this story, dudes.

Elliott Kalan

[5:51] It's a lot of the, like, the story you've heard is wrong.

[5:54] Don't think that what they tell you is the right thing, because real history is a lot

[5:57] messier.

[5:57] And then, spoiler alert, he goes on to tell the least messy, most by the numbers.

[6:02] Yeah.

[6:02] This is exactly-

Stuart Wellington

[6:02] This is not your daddy's Robin Hood, which would have been Robin Hood Prince of Thieves.

Elliott Kalan

[6:08] Or your grandpa's Robin Hood, Errol Flynn in The Adventures of Robin Hood.

[6:12] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[6:12] Uh-huh.

[6:13] So, the movie opens with a young ninja dressed like Katana sneaking into a stable.

Elliott Kalan

[6:19] Now, are they dressed like Katana or more like an Assassin's Creed?

Stuart Wellington

[6:23] I think she's dressed more like Princess Katana from the Mortal Kombat series.

[6:27] But, I don't know.

[6:28] I'm not a big Assassin's Creed guy.

[6:30] I think we established that in the Assassin's Creed episode.

Elliott Kalan

[6:32] Yeah, asterisks.

[6:32] See the Assassin's Creed episode.

[6:34] I understand.

[6:34] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[6:35] So, this ninja sneaks into a stable.

[6:38] She is accosted by a handsome landowner, a young landowner.

[6:43] Wow.

[6:43] A young lord.

[6:44] Whose name he gives as?

[6:46] Rob.

[6:47] And we find out that her name is Marion.

[6:49] Oh, it's a twist on the Maid Marion.

[6:51] Already we're like-

[6:52] Is it a twist on it?

Elliott Kalan

[6:54] I mean, because this isn't the Maid Marion who's like, oh, save me, save me.

[6:57] This is a Maid Marion who steals.

[6:59] She's tough.

[7:00] She probably fucks.

[7:01] And she's really-

[7:02] I'm stealing Stuart's line there.

[7:05] And she's just like, everyone in this movie is a super badass.

[7:07] And Tuck has already said, earlier he goes, the story starts with a thief, but not the thief you're thinking of.

Stuart Wellington

[7:13] Uh-huh.

[7:13] Record scratch.

[7:15] That record, of course, is Greenslee's.

[7:19] So, uh, we get a little bit of a love montage between Rob and Marion.

[7:23] What is she stealing?

[7:24] She's stealing a horse to, like, give to a local farmer whose horse has died.

Elliott Kalan

[7:27] And Rob at first makes it seem like he's a stable boy, but actually he's the owner and he lets her get away.

[7:32] Yeah.

[7:32] Which, at that point, it's not stealing.

[7:34] It's just a gift.

Stuart Wellington

[7:35] Yeah.

[7:35] He looks-

[7:35] I mean, he looks, like, hot enough to be a stable boy, but clean enough to be a lord.

[7:39] Yeah.

[7:41] Uh, sheets, streets, et cetera.

[7:43] So we get a love montage between Rob and Marion.

[7:45] Uh, fast forward, explains how great everything is.

[7:48] We see a little bit of the evil sheriff of Nottingham from behind.

[7:51] Like, ooh, who's that guy?

[7:53] Uh, we're told again to forget history, forget what you think you know.

[7:56] This is no bedtime story.

[7:59] Hell yeah.

[8:00] Uh, Robin gets a really cool letter in the mail that is a draft notice for the Third Crusade.

[8:06] As they did at the time.

Elliott Kalan

[8:07] It's so funny because it's written out, like, you have been drafted to join the Third Crusade, signed by the Sheriff of Nottingham.

[8:14] And it's like, uh, it's- this is the beginning of, uh, of the parallel they're trying to draw between Modern Times and Robin Hood Times.

[8:23] Yeah.

[8:24] Which, parallel, spoiler alert, does not work.

Stuart Wellington

[8:28] The- yeah, so he goes-

[8:29] He goes off to war with the other doughboys.

Elliott Kalan

[8:32] Wait, the host of the doughboys?

[8:34] No, isn't that what they called, like, uh-

[8:36] Those World War I soldiers are doughboys, yeah.

[8:38] Yeah, I know.

Stuart Wellington

[8:39] Uh, yeah, I'm not a maniac.

Dan McCoy

[8:42] I know, you're making a joke.

[8:43] Maybe not for that reason.

[8:44] I mean, you're a maniac on the floor.

[8:45] So-

Elliott Kalan

[8:46] So there's-

[8:47] There's a couple of questions.

Stuart Wellington

[8:48] And you took part in that drug trial in the future, so that makes you a maniac, right?

[8:51] Where it didn't really go anywhere.

[8:53] Yep, and that's-

[8:54] Taking those drugs had me, what, cutting off people's scalps and putting them on mannequins?

[8:58] Is that what happens in that movie?

[8:59] Uh, probably, yeah.

[9:00] Let's ask our old pal, Elijah Wood.

Dan McCoy

[9:02] Uh, I think you're talking about two different maniacs at this point.

[9:05] We are.

Stuart Wellington

[9:05] Maniac McGee.

[9:06] Uh, and I-

[9:07] I slapped Dan's shoulder expecting a dead-on Elijah Wood impression, but I got nothing.

Dan McCoy

[9:12] Uh, I'll make my eyes grow three sizes.

Stuart Wellington

[9:16] Oh, just like the Grinch.

[9:17] Yeah.

[9:17] Just like, uh, Battle Angel Leader.

Dan McCoy

[9:19] When he saw that roast beast.

Stuart Wellington

[9:22] So, apparently the Sheriff of Nottingham can, like, draft a nobility?

Elliott Kalan

[9:27] The Sheriff of Nottingham seems to be a all-powerful guy in the Nottingham region.

[9:33] No.

[9:34] He, there's a council of lords, but they don't really do anything other than advise him.

[9:37] And also, the only power higher than him is the Catholic Church, which raises its own questions about how this, this England works.

[9:44] Yeah.

[9:45] But, uh, Stuart, so, they go and they're, and they're fighting.

[9:48] And what, is this war like the Crusade movies we've seen before?

Stuart Wellington

[9:51] Heck no, it isn't.

[9:52] Well, it depends on what you mean by a Crusade movie, because it's a lot like any movie that takes place in, like, modern, uh, Middle East war movies.

[10:00] Mm-hmm.

[10:00] So, like your Black Hawk Downs.

[10:02] Yeah, your Hurt Lockers.

[10:03] It takes place four years later, right?

[10:05] We get a little four-year-later job.

[10:06] I don't remember.

[10:07] Robin and his unit are pinned down by a mechanized crossbow sniper.

Dan McCoy

[10:11] Yeah, there's basically, like, a Gatling gun crossbow.

[10:15] And at that point, I was like, you know what?

[10:17] If the movie maintains this level of stupidity, maybe I'll actually enjoy it out of just, like, how dumb it is.

[10:23] And it doesn't really.

[10:24] No.

Stuart Wellington

[10:24] And I love this shot of, like, Middle Ages crusaders, like, sneaking through a ruined city, holding their bows at the ready.

[10:33] As if they're rifles.

[10:35] Like, their rifles.

[10:35] Yeah, like, uh, shouldn't they have, like, shields and stuff that would totally serve them better against this mechanized crossbow?

Elliott Kalan

[10:41] And also the idea that the Crusades was, like, a modern war where it's, like, and I could be wrong with this, but, like, street by street fighting through ruins that were caused.

[10:48] I mean, there's literally a part where they're, like, they have their little mission and they're, like, get out of the way.

[10:53] I'm calling in the stones.

[10:55] And he, like, what, sends up a flare so that they shoot, they catapult rocks in.

Stuart Wellington

[11:00] Yeah, like a mortar attack.

[11:01] But instead of, I mean, the results are the same.

[11:03] They're calling it an airstrike or something.

[11:04] It's one of those things that almost all movies do where they're, like, when a stone or a cannonball hits, it's an explosion.

Elliott Kalan

[11:11] Like, it explodes like it's a bomb.

[11:12] And when I was first watching this, at first I was, like, I was kind of into it.

[11:16] I was, like, okay, this is a different way to show the Crusades.

[11:19] Like, they're clearly trying to make it as modern as possible.

[11:22] But it just doesn't work.

[11:23] When Robin is, I was going to say Sherlock, when Robin is a wrong English public domain character, when Robin goes off to stop this sniper, it's the class.

[11:32] And also the thing you've seen in every war movie where it's, like, we're pinned down by a sniper.

[11:35] I'm going to go stop him.

[11:36] Hey, that's an order.

[11:37] Come back.

[11:37] And he goes off and takes care of this sniper because he's such a badass.

[11:40] Yeah, like in The Marine.

[11:41] Yeah, or Saving Private Ryan.

[11:43] Oh, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[11:44] There's other movies than The Marine.

Elliott Kalan

[11:47] There's at least three.

[11:49] There's Saving Private Ryan.

[11:50] There's Robin Hood.

[11:51] And there's 9 to 5.

[11:53] I don't remember if there's a sniper scene in 9 to 5, but probably.

[11:56] But the minute he's, like, stay with your unit.

[11:59] That's an order.

[12:00] I was, like, okay, this doesn't work.

Stuart Wellington

[12:01] Yeah, and I like the idea that, like, I mean, this guy's landed nobility, right?

[12:06] Yes.

[12:06] So, like, who's giving him an order?

Elliott Kalan

[12:08] Yeah, he would have raised, he would have taken his, what, fiefdom people, his serfs.

[12:14] Yeah.

[12:14] And then would have said, like, you're in my unit now.

[12:17] I'm raising you and I'm raising the money and we're going to go find him.

Stuart Wellington

[12:19] And he's like, and I'm going to go to another country and steal stuff with all my other friends.

[12:25] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[12:25] Because that's basically what they were doing.

[12:27] If you come with me and kill a bunch of Moors, then the Pope will forgive me for all the terrible things I've done.

[12:33] Yeah.

[12:33] So we're doing this right now.

[12:35] Like, it's, they're just trying to cram.

Stuart Wellington

[12:37] But we should forget all the history that we think we know.

Elliott Kalan

[12:40] Good point.

[12:41] I mean, that's right.

[12:41] You know what?

[12:42] I forgot what Doug told me at the beginning.

[12:43] Forget all the history you know about how the Crusades were.

Stuart Wellington

[12:45] The other weird thing is that they're, they're running around with bows and arrows.

[12:48] And, you know, they're fucking sick with those things.

[12:50] And they're pinned down by a mechanized crossbow.

[12:52] And they act like this thing is, like, serious business.

[12:56] But, like, later on we see just, like, regular guards.

[13:00] Like, regular, basically, like, the police force for the Sheriff of Nottingham all have the same, like, mechanized crossbows.

[13:06] So, like, it is weird that those, like, regular guards have better equipment than these soldiers do.

Elliott Kalan

[13:13] But, you know, whatever.

[13:14] I mean, it's a, it's a cutting comment on how we often send our men and women of the fighting forces into battle unequipped.

[13:21] Remember their unarmored Humvees during the beginning of the Afghanistan and Iraq wars.

Stuart Wellington

[13:26] I thought you were going to say in the beginning of the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[13:28] In the beginning of the movie.

[13:29] I wish it'd be like, forget what you know about Robin Hood.

[13:31] And then he's just tear-assing around in a Humvee.

[13:35] Like, with Aerosmith blasting out of the speakers.

[13:38] Or, sorry, Aerosmith covering green sleeves.

Stuart Wellington

[13:41] Yeah, so Robin Hood goes behind enemy lines to save his buddy Clayton, who has been captured.

[13:46] Then they get ambushed by an even cooler giant crossbow.

[13:49] Then they call down a trebuchet strike by using a flare.

[13:54] And they're supposed to retreat.

[13:55] Robin Hood gets almost captured and killed by, like, the leader of the Moorish forces.

[14:02] Who's a super badass fighter.

[14:04] Yeah, he's like the most badass.

[14:06] But then...

Elliott Kalan

[14:06] Lots of flips.

[14:07] You think he's just a guy, a Jedi?

[14:08] What's going on?

[14:09] Yeah, I mean, I'm assuming he's...

[14:10] Yeah.

[14:11] And he...

[14:12] I'm like, can Muslims do that?

[14:14] Oh my God, now I understand why Republicans are so scared of them.

Stuart Wellington

[14:18] And right before he's about to get stabbed to death, his unit commander, Guy of Gisborne, or Guy of Gisborne?

[14:25] Guy of Gisborne, yeah.

[14:26] Jumps out and chops off the Moor's hand and saves Robin's life.

Elliott Kalan

[14:30] And that means the Infinity Gauntlet falls to the ground and they're all scrambling for it.

[14:34] Uh-huh.

[14:35] So they can't let him get it, right?

Stuart Wellington

[14:36] We see them scrambling for a while.

[14:38] And then Robin...

[14:40] Then we cut to some scenes in, like, the English camp where...

[14:44] The Crusaders camp where they have all the prisoners and Robin is, like, wandering around in that, like, post-battle fugue, distressed by the horrors of war.

Elliott Kalan

[14:54] And he's watching as they're executing their prisoners and torturing them for information.

Dan McCoy

[14:58] Yeah, that's how we know that Robin Hood is a good dude.

[15:01] Because he's like, hey...

Elliott Kalan

[15:02] I mean, he's still rob of locks at this point.

Dan McCoy

[15:04] Hey, maybe you shouldn't just randomly kill prisoners.

Elliott Kalan

[15:07] He's like, hey, I know I'm also part of the fighting force that has invaded this foreign country because for some reason the Pope has decided he wants it really badly.

[15:16] I mean, for some reason, because it's sacred to them, like it is to everybody.

[15:19] Not to everybody, but to everybody in the Judeo-Christian Islamic faiths.

[15:22] And probably some other ones that I don't remember.

[15:24] Bahai, maybe.

[15:24] I don't know enough about Bahai.

[15:26] Guys, I'm trying to cover my bases.

[15:27] I don't want to leave anybody out.

[15:29] But he's like, I know it's part of this, and I was literally just killing these guys a moment ago.

[15:33] But now, I'm the good guy.

[15:35] Yeah.

[15:35] And so I'm mad about all this stuff.

[15:37] Not mad about it like mad about you, where it means I'm in love with it.

[15:40] Mad about it like...

[15:41] Well, sort of in love.

Dan McCoy

[15:43] I don't know about those guys.

Elliott Kalan

[15:46] But anyway, yeah, he's the good guy who thinks they should be treating the prisoners right.

Stuart Wellington

[15:49] So we're the enemy soldier who almost killed Robin Hood is revealed to be played by Jamie Foxx.

[15:58] And Jamie Foxx is pleading to save his son, who has his head on the execution block.

[16:04] Right before he gets his head chopped off, Rob, in an act of sympathy, pulls out his sword and deflects an executioner's axe with it, which is wild.

[16:13] Like, that's crazy.

[16:14] That would never happen.

Elliott Kalan

[16:15] In reality, probably the axe would just push the sword down, and the sword would cut the guy's head off.

[16:19] And Rob would be like, oh, oh, oh.

[16:21] And they'd be like, cool move, bro.

[16:23] Cool.

Stuart Wellington

[16:23] And they would say two-hit combo on the screen.

[16:25] And they'd be like, wow, I haven't done a combo before.

Elliott Kalan

[16:27] It would be like in Barry when he kills that guy.

[16:29] And they're like, Barry, you're a maniac.

[16:31] Yeah, awesome.

Stuart Wellington

[16:33] And there'd be a moment of him staring at the sky like, why?

[16:37] I was trying to be better.

[16:38] Yeah, and then we cut to Robin Hood in his acting class with Henry Winkler.

Elliott Kalan

[16:41] And Henry Winkler's like, you've got to tell that story, Robin.

[16:44] But I can't.

[16:45] Forget about history.

[16:46] Forget about the stories you've heard.

Stuart Wellington

[16:48] So Rob is turned traitor on his unit.

[16:51] He gets shot in the chest with an arrow.

[16:54] And they're like, if you weren't a lord, we would hang you.

[16:56] But instead, put him on a hospital boat back to England.

Elliott Kalan

[17:00] One of at least two or three times.

Stuart Wellington

[17:01] Chopper him out, boys.

[17:02] Yeah, two, two, two, two, two.

Elliott Kalan

[17:04] One of at least two or three times where Robin gets what should have been a fatal wound with the medical technology of ye olden days.

[17:09] But instead he shakes it off.

[17:10] Yeah.

[17:11] Like Taylor Swift.

[17:14] When she got shot with an arrow.

[17:15] Yeah, and then she shook it off.

[17:17] By Katy Perry.

[17:18] But she was shot with an arrow through the heart.

[17:20] And that arrow was shot by a man named Cupid.

[17:22] And that man was clearly wanted by the police for shooting Taylor Swift with an arrow.

[17:25] If you've seen a man answering to the name Cupid, please contact local authorities.

[17:28] He's wearing a diaper.

Stuart Wellington

[17:32] I mean, you'd think that would be easy to catch.

[17:34] But I guess he's got wings.

[17:35] So it's hard to catch him.

[17:38] So in the process of Rob turning traitor, he also released all the captives.

[17:44] And one of those captives who's released is Jamie Foxx's character.

[17:47] Who grabs a couple weapons and then sneaks aboard and stows away on the same hospital boat going back to England.

[17:53] Why?

[17:54] We'll find out.

[17:56] So Rob gets home.

[17:58] He goes back to Locksley Manor, which has been – the whole village seems to have been razed.

[18:04] His home has been sacked and is in extreme disrepair.

[18:09] And there's a sign that says it's been seized by the sheriff of Nottingham, which is like – I mean, wouldn't he just have installed one of his own lords into that castle?

[18:18] Because, like, there's money to be made on that land.

[18:21] Yeah.

[18:21] Like, you don't just, like, leave it there.

Elliott Kalan

[18:22] Rather than leaving it as a haunted house for kids to dare each other to go into because they think a witch lives there.

[18:28] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[18:28] Like, that's where Dark Man does his research.

Elliott Kalan

[18:31] Well, it's like the –

[18:32] And makes his cool mask.

Stuart Wellington

[18:34] Makes his little nose.

[18:35] Yeah.

[18:35] Little nose.

Elliott Kalan

[18:37] I'll give myself a button nose today.

[18:40] It's the movie – so the sheriff of Nottingham, he's stealing all this money with his war taxes to pay for the war.

[18:45] But the movie seems to think that the way you tax someone is by going to their house and taking all their money and then kicking them out of town.

[18:51] And it's like, no.

[18:52] Like Stuart's saying, like, you keep them working and take the stuff that they're making so that you make more money.

[18:58] It's a very – it's a – I guess what I'm saying is the sheriff of Nottingham is a short-sighted planner, as we'll learn later.

Stuart Wellington

[19:03] The value of Locksley Manor is probably not in the, like, furniture.

Elliott Kalan

[19:09] Only take the effects.

[19:11] What about his rich pasture lands?

[19:13] Burn them, I suppose.

Stuart Wellington

[19:14] I'm really interested in the tapestries.

Elliott Kalan

[19:17] I want to take them on Antiques Roadshow to get a sense of what they're worth and then go on Palm Stars.

[19:23] Really get my money.

Stuart Wellington

[19:24] So Robin shows up to the confessional where he bumps into his old pal Tuck, who had been narrating earlier.

Elliott Kalan

[19:32] His old pal that we've never met before.

[19:33] Yep.

[19:34] And also, why does he go to the confessional?

Stuart Wellington

[19:36] Probably to find Tuck so he can find out what's going on.

[19:40] So we find out that Robin had been falsely pronounced dead by the sheriff two years ago and that his lands had been seized and that other lands had been seized.

[19:48] And the commoners have been forced to work in the mines, which is kind of like the narrows in Batman Begins.

[19:54] Yeah.

[19:54] Not the first of many comparisons to Batman Begins.

[19:57] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[19:57] This movie is kind of cobbled together from the parts of Batman Begins, Casablanca, The Hurt Locker, like other movies.

[20:04] It's like they're like, we're going to stitch together a Frankenstein of movies and then put Robin Hood's brain in it.

[20:10] And hopefully it'll shudder around and act like a movie.

Stuart Wellington

[20:13] It kind of reminds me of the recent Devil May Cry remake, the DMC remake, which is the same kind of design and everything.

Dan McCoy

[20:21] And Tuck is a cool priest, like the priest from Fleabag.

[20:25] Not as incredibly hot, but the same sort of attitude.

[20:28] I would say not a cool priest at all.

Elliott Kalan

[20:30] He's a goofy, lovable priest.

[20:32] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[20:33] Well, it's cool in that he doesn't seem to be like your average god.

Elliott Kalan

[20:38] Well, he's the monk who's like, he's casual with everybody and calm, but he's the only one who truly believes in the words of Christ.

[20:45] Everyone else is venal and power and green.

[20:47] But he's got like long, greasy, stringy hair and like a beard.

[20:50] And he's always like, oh, making jokes.

[20:52] And he's kind of what I would call Russell Brand X.

[20:54] Oh, yeah.

[20:55] You can't get the real Russell Brands to get Russell Off Brands.

Stuart Wellington

[20:58] I was going to say that like the casting notes were like, give me 10% Bill Bailey.

[21:03] Yes.

[21:04] No.

Elliott Kalan

[21:05] 100%.

[21:05] I actually had to check to make sure he wasn't Bill Bailey.

Stuart Wellington

[21:08] And you're like, wow, Bill Bailey looks great.

Elliott Kalan

[21:10] The problem was Bill Bailey didn't come home.

[21:12] And they're saying, won't you come home, Bill Bailey?

[21:13] Won't you come home?

[21:15] He wouldn't do it.

[21:16] So they got this guy instead.

Stuart Wellington

[21:17] Okay.

[21:17] So.

Elliott Kalan

[21:18] Oh, so Sheriff of Nottingham has taken over everything.

[21:20] And I forget.

[21:20] Did you say what's going on with Marion?

Stuart Wellington

[21:22] Yeah.

[21:22] So Robin goes to track down Marion, who is operating some kind of a soup cart in the Narrows.

Elliott Kalan

[21:28] And this is another one of those things where it's like, how do I show she's a heroic character?

[21:32] I know she'll be feeding the poor of the minds, which is stolen from Metropolis, I think.

[21:38] Like, I mean, I'm sure they didn't originate Metropolis.

[21:40] But it's just like the whole movie is just pieces of other movies thrown into a pot, into a rich stew, a rich gumbo.

Stuart Wellington

[21:45] And while she's feeding some poor people, all of a sudden, Jamie Dornan walks up with, like, a really fetching cardigan combo on there.

[21:54] And she gives him a kiss.

[21:55] And you're like, oh, fuck.

Dan McCoy

[21:57] You're like, no, he's going to be controlling.

[21:58] Like, he might spank you in a way you enjoy, but he's going to take over your life.

[22:02] Yeah.

[22:03] It's a real bummer.

Elliott Kalan

[22:04] I think you mentioned the clothes.

[22:05] I feel like to set the scene, we should mention also that no one's wearing, like, period, really specific clothes.

[22:10] They're wearing the classic, like, everyone's wearing kind of, like, leather and button downs and things that are not exactly, and, like, torn scarves.

[22:20] Like, not exactly old, but not exactly new.

Stuart Wellington

[22:22] Yeah, like cosplay version of Robin Hood, kind of.

[22:25] Yeah, yeah.

[22:26] As we're introduced to the Sheriff of Nottingham, played by Ben Mendelsohn, it feels like they were like,

[22:31] not only do we want you to basically bring your character Orson Krennic into this movie, but also bring his outfits.

Elliott Kalan

[22:40] There's, like, these shots of him putting on his long leather duster, and I'm like, is that the same coat that he was wearing in Force Awakens?

[22:46] Oh, no, it's in Rogue One?

[22:47] Like, that's the, it's, he must have stolen it from the shoot.

Stuart Wellington

[22:50] He puts on that coat after he brushes his hair with two brushes simultaneously, and immediately I'm like, give me more of this.

Elliott Kalan

[22:57] Like, where's that confidence when you're planning your evil plots?

[23:00] I will say this, just off the bat, Ben Mendelsohn is the bright spot in this movie for me.

[23:06] Yeah, he's always great.

[23:07] He's always great, and he just knows how to, like, ham it up and chew the scenery, and they give him a couple of super bad guy speeches about, like, his sad past, and then about how he, I want, I want, I want the hood boiled in his own piss!

[23:19] And it's like, oh, he's such a, like, he's really hammering it up, old-fashioned style.

Stuart Wellington

[23:23] Yeah, and then the movie delivers probably the greatest gift a movie can, which is they take Ben Mendelsohn, and then they one-up it with an F. Marie Abraham.

[23:32] Oh, we'll get to that, we'll get to that.

[23:34] Oh, man, it's amazing.

[23:35] So, Robin's obviously distraught, he doesn't know what to do, and then he gets jumped by Jamie Foxx.

Elliott Kalan

[23:42] And who wouldn't want to be jumped by Jamie Foxx?

Stuart Wellington

[23:44] Hello!

[23:44] Who then recruits Rob into his eternal, his twilight struggle, his eternal war against the Catholic Church and the rich.

[23:52] The rich and the powerful.

[23:53] Yeah, the rich and the powerful.

Elliott Kalan

[23:55] He's a real, he's a real, the richer, causing these wars to keep the poor down, da-da-da, which is partly true, partly not.

Dan McCoy

[24:01] I mean, like, and Jamie Foxx's, like, cause is just, but I'm sort of surprised that Rob, you know, converts to it so quickly.

[24:11] Like, he seemed a little disgusted by what he saw in the Crusades, and, like, obviously, like, the sheriff is, like, overreaching his power, but he's also still, like,

[24:22] like, a noble, like, for all of his life.

Elliott Kalan

[24:25] And, like, immediately he's like, yeah, yeah, fight the power.

[24:28] Yeah.

[24:28] Yeah, cause he, as soon as he lost all his riches, he was like, I gotta get me back on the pyramid.

[24:32] Get me to the top.

Stuart Wellington

[24:33] Yeah.

[24:33] And the easiest way to do that is through violence.

Elliott Kalan

[24:36] Yeah.

[24:36] The inherent...

[24:37] Can I say...

[24:38] Inherent in any power system is the threat of violence or the use of violence, and so I'm gonna definitely use that.

[24:44] There's no way to enforce property ownership without the oppression of the property owner less.

Dan McCoy

[24:49] Yeah.

[24:49] Can I say, speaking of violence, I'm not one who usually, like, objects to, like, a lot of violence in a movie.

[24:54] Like, normally, like, I'm like, whatever, this is, you know, it's, like, fake.

[24:58] But, like, Robin Hood shoots so many people with arrows in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[25:02] The body count in this movie is enormous.

Dan McCoy

[25:04] And, like, they're just, like, I mean, they're not innocent, I guess, in the sense that they're taking part of this corrupt system.

[25:09] But they're not, like, bad guys, necessarily.

Elliott Kalan

[25:11] Especially for a guy who was already drafted into a war.

[25:14] It's, like, I assume most of the, like, faceless guards, because they all have helmets on, which makes it easier to kill them, because you can dehumanize them.

[25:20] That, like, when you put a mask on your enemy, you're not killing the enemy, you're killing the mask, and therefore, psychologically, it's okay.

[25:26] The, uh, that, I assume most of them were also, like, farm boys who got drafted by the sheriff into being guards.

[25:32] They don't know any better.

[25:33] And Robin Hood's just slaughtering them left and right.

[25:35] Also, he's so amazing with his bow and arrow that the arrows go straight through armor, which is great.

[25:40] Like, arrows are, like, bullets in this movie.

Dan McCoy

[25:42] I'm not saying that Robin Hood never killed anyone, but, like, traditionally, he was more of a, like, like, a, I don't know, he was more of a puckish figure.

Elliott Kalan

[25:49] It's like, it's like Time Bandits, where he's innocent and his men just come around murdering people.

Stuart Wellington

[25:53] Yeah.

[25:54] The, I mean, the argument about arrows, Elliot, I mean, uh, historically speaking, during the Hundred Years' War, the English longbowmen were known for being able to put arrows straight through the French plate mail.

[26:05] That's why.

[26:06] But from that, from point-blank range?

[26:08] Yeah, I mean, well, because they were trained from, like, a very young age to be able to pull back these longbowmen.

[26:14] Oh, I see.

[26:15] And so that they were able to out, outrange Genoese crossbowmen, and there can also put a, there's more strength behind the shot.

[26:24] And that's why the, uh, the majority of the French nobility were killed in Agincourt and, uh, Chrissy.

Elliott Kalan

[26:29] All right, you got me right.

[26:30] And at Agincourt, they were doing a lot of, like, spins and flips.

[26:33] Yeah, they did.

[26:34] And, like, firing at guys that are behind them and things like that.

Stuart Wellington

[26:36] Well, yeah, it was, uh, it was also called the Birth of the Legolas movement.

Elliott Kalan

[26:42] And what is, uh, so Jamie Foxx is going to train him.

[26:45] And, uh, tell us more about this sheriff.

[26:47] What's he, is he at all a, a thin analog from modern-day warmongers?

Stuart Wellington

[26:52] Oh, of course.

[26:52] So Ben Mendelsohn shows up brushing his hair with two combs, as I mentioned.

[26:56] Uh, he addresses people at, like, uh, at, like, a town hall, uh, where you have your nobles up top and then your commoners below.

Elliott Kalan

[27:04] Nobles up top, party in the back.

Stuart Wellington

[27:06] And the, uh, Marion and, uh, Jamie Dornan's character, Will Scarlet.

[27:10] They just call him Will, though, right?

[27:12] Yeah, and they're, like, kind of, they, like, shout back at him.

[27:15] It's very, like, I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[27:17] I find this scene strange because, like, the sheriff is, like, up there, it seems, like, justifying his taxes to the people.

[27:23] And I guess maybe he would do that to keep them from revolting.

[27:26] But, like, it seemed like if he's in that sort of power at that time where he's not, like, an elected official, like,

[27:32] why is he bothering to be, like, this is why we're taxing you?

Stuart Wellington

[27:35] And he's using some very, uh, like, very thin modern, uh, arguments about...

Elliott Kalan

[27:40] We're fighting them over there so that they, because they want to come over here and they'll infect our courts, our schools.

[27:45] They hate our freedom.

[27:47] They're hate...

[27:47] He literally says they hate our freedom, which is nuts in feudal times.

[27:51] Yeah.

[27:51] Their freedom does not exist in that...

[27:53] And, but, yeah, but then Will and Marion can heckle him with no repercussions.

[27:58] Yeah.

[27:58] Which also seems crazy.

[27:59] Uh, and then...

[28:00] I guess it's the right of an Englishman.

Stuart Wellington

[28:01] The great moment is then when Friartuck shows up and he's like, yeah, Robin of Loxley's alive.

[28:08] Which, okay, I guess, uh, I guess Robin of Loxley's alive.

[28:12] Everybody knows it.

[28:13] And they're kind of shocked.

[28:13] So they have to delay the war tax vote for a little bit?

Elliott Kalan

[28:17] Because they, because Robin of Loxley isn't around and so the full council's there.

[28:20] It's one of those movies, too, like V for Vendetta, where there's an evil government that has, like, three or four people in it.

[28:26] And everyone, all the peasants, they hate this government.

[28:29] Oh, they don't want to do bad things.

[28:31] They don't like it.

[28:32] And it's such a...

[28:33] It made me so mad because it's like, when there's a bad leader in charge, it's usually because he's appealing to a lot of people who believe in them.

[28:40] There might be some who don't.

[28:42] But, like, anytime there's been a dictator who's taken over a country, it's never, like, 98% of the country hates him and 2% likes him.

[28:48] Like, it's a foolish thing for it to be like, everyone's like, ooh, that Ben Mendelsohn.

[28:53] I don't like what he does, but what can I do?

[28:55] He's the sheriff.

[28:56] Mm, oh, there's nothing we can do.

[28:58] There's only 100,000 of us, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[29:00] There's a...

[29:01] We then do a little bit of background with Robin.

[29:04] He is training with Jamie Foxx, who we are introduced.

[29:07] We're given his name.

[29:08] And then there's the most obvious joke, which is Robin can't pronounce his name.

[29:13] His Arabic name.

[29:14] His Arabic name.

[29:15] So they just call him Little John.

[29:17] Or they call him John.

[29:18] Yeah, not Little John.

[29:19] Yeah, they just call him John.

[29:20] Or Lil John.

[29:21] Different guy.

[29:22] So they plan on stealing money to...

[29:25] Or John Connor.

Stuart Wellington

[29:25] Also a different John.

[29:27] They're in Loxley Manor.

[29:28] They start coming up with plans for stealing money because they think that if they steal money, it will undermine the sheriff's power.

[29:35] And without money, that he'll, you know, they'll be able to mess with the system.

[29:39] Yeah, they'll cut off funding to the war, too.

[29:41] That's part of it.

Elliott Kalan

[29:42] If they cut off funding to the war, then the real power behind all this will reveal itself because it'll want to know what's going on.

[29:48] Yeah, pull the tail.

[29:49] Pull the tail and see who bites, they keep saying.

Stuart Wellington

[29:51] But at the same time, he can't just be a vigilante.

[29:56] He also has to be the noble Robin of Loxley.

[29:59] So he has to 100% do a Batman double life thing.

[30:02] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[30:03] Playboy by day, thief by night, dresses in a costume.

[30:07] Does it remind you of anybody?

[30:09] The Scarlet Pimpernel.

[30:10] That's right, the Scarlet Pimpernel.

[30:12] The blockbuster character of the Scarlet Pimpernel.

Stuart Wellington

[30:16] It's around then when Marion...

Elliott Kalan

[30:17] There must be somebody who's been pitching a Scarlet Pimpernel movie who's like,

[30:20] he's the original superhero.

[30:22] You like your Batmans.

[30:24] Well, then you wouldn't have Batman without the Scarlet Pimpernel.

[30:27] So tell me the story.

[30:28] Okay, I don't know what a Pimpernel is, but...

[30:30] So maybe we can change that.

[30:31] Nope.

[30:32] Well, okay, what's...

[30:33] Tell me the story.

[30:33] I know there's a rhyme about him.

[30:35] So it's the French Revolution.

[30:36] Okay, I don't...

[30:37] Forget it.

[30:37] Stop.

[30:38] How about we just call him Red?

[30:41] Like the Red Pimpernel?

[30:44] Why don't we just call him Pimp?

[30:46] Like it's a cool kids' version of the Scarlet Pimpernel.

Dan McCoy

[30:48] All right, you don't think he's the original Batman, but...

[30:50] How about this?

[30:50] He's the original Zorro.

Elliott Kalan

[30:54] It's good.

[30:54] Without Scarlet Pimpernel, you don't have Zorro and you don't have Batman.

[30:58] I guess we can go all the way back to Jack Springheels.

[31:01] I guess that predates the Scarlet Pimpernel.

Stuart Wellington

[31:03] So it's around this point where Marion shows up knocking on the door and John is like, she cannot know what we're doing or else they'll just kill her, which that's another strange leap.

Elliott Kalan

[31:15] I don't know why that would be...

[31:16] I mean, it's the thing that happens in all the superhero movies where they're like, no one can know my identity.

[31:20] And then people learn it and it's fine.

[31:22] Uh-huh.

Stuart Wellington

[31:22] It's great because it encourages the idea of like men having to keep their romantic partners in the dark because their work is too important.

Elliott Kalan

[31:32] They should have had the scene where he's like, but what if I'm going to strike by night?

[31:37] I need a costume, a symbol.

[31:39] What should it be?

[31:40] And then like a hooded sweatshirt flies through the window and goes, this is it.

[31:43] I'll be a hood.

Stuart Wellington

[31:43] I mean, they kind of do that where he gets this, uh, John gives him the scarf that his son used to wear.

[31:50] Oh, right, right.

[31:51] And he used that as his mask.

[31:52] Uh, so we get a cool training montage.

[31:54] We learn that he can't just use a regular old bow and arrow.

[31:57] He needs to use a street weapon that has like, uh, knuckle dusters built in and like sharp edges.

Dan McCoy

[32:03] And he also does like, with the training, like there's one of those scenes where Jamie Foxx is like, you got to do it faster.

[32:07] And he's like, try and, try and hit me.

[32:09] And like, does the thing where he's like walking towards Robin the whole time as Robin keeps like reloading arrows and he's knocking them out of the air, dodging them.

[32:17] And I'm like, all right, this is always like kind of cool when it happens.

[32:21] But at the same time, these, these, these scenes always bother me because I'm like, but what if Jamie Foxx can't do it?

[32:28] I mean, he's like super confident.

[32:30] He just gets shot immediately in the face.

Elliott Kalan

[32:32] Also, it's like, he's trying to get Robin so mad that I guess he connects with the true archer within.

[32:36] But like, I don't know if you guys have ever done archery in like summer camp.

[32:39] The less calm you are, the worse you do.

[32:42] Like, if you, the angry, the more frustrated and angry you get, like the shittier your, your, your shooting gets.

[32:47] So like, I don't know.

[32:48] But also we see, uh, he had, they invent weight training.

[32:51] They invent weight training.

[32:52] They invent great graduated weight training.

[32:54] Sorry, Milo Crotonia.

[32:56] I guess they stole your idea.

[32:58] And also, uh, Jamie Foxx makes himself a badass metal stump cover for his arm.

Stuart Wellington

[33:04] Yeah.

[33:04] That he like heats up super hot, then sticks his stump in and he's like, ah.

Elliott Kalan

[33:08] Now, why didn't he wait for it to cool down?

Stuart Wellington

[33:09] A la Dr. Doom.

[33:10] I think he wants to, uh, I think he wanted to like melt it all together, which seems like a mistake.

[33:15] Like those burns, yeah, it's not going to heal.

[33:17] I'm not going to breathe.

[33:18] It's crazy.

[33:18] No, medieval medicine.

[33:19] He's going to lose that arm.

[33:20] So they plan on stealing, uh, and then donating the money to get close to the sheriff.

[33:27] So he kills a bunch of guards in the rain.

[33:29] You know, the best time to use a bow and arrow.

[33:31] He's robbing a toll gate.

[33:32] He robs a toll gate.

[33:33] For the delicious cookies.

[33:34] Yeah.

[33:35] For the soul house.

[33:36] Never mind.

[33:37] He kills some like cartoonishly villainous guards who are like, time to pay the toll.

[33:42] And then they just start like body slamming people.

[33:45] And then, uh, he immediately goes and gives that money in like a little sack with a dollar

[33:49] sign written on it to the sheriff.

[33:51] And the sheriff's like, Ooh, cool.

[33:53] I like you.

[33:54] And then he donates a bunch of money to the church.

Elliott Kalan

[33:56] He makes it rain at the church at the collection plate.

Stuart Wellington

[33:58] And everyone's like, Oh, I think you'll really help us capture the youth vote.

Elliott Kalan

[34:05] And here's something that I thought was really weird is that like Robin is talking to, I don't

[34:10] remember who, and then John shows up and is like, Oh, Robin, we have to go.

[34:13] And I'm like, so it's not weird to anybody that this more is walking around England, just

[34:19] kind of like how you do hanging out with Robin.

[34:21] And like, it's this weird colorblind version of the old England where we see a few people

[34:25] of color in crowd scenes where we're like, yeah, when Robin does stuff.

[34:28] But it's very weird to set something during the crusades and yet have this like, I guess

[34:34] idea of like a multi-ethnic, merry old England where literally the guy that was a, was

[34:40] a captured enemy combatant is just walking around.

[34:43] And everyone's like, Oh, I guess that must be his butler.

[34:44] Like, I don't know.

[34:45] It's, it really threw me off that, that Jamie Foxx was going to just walk around old England

[34:49] with impunity without people having at least questions about it.

[34:52] But I guess this isn't your daddy's old England.

Stuart Wellington

[34:53] Yep.

[34:54] I think they warned you about that right up front.

[34:56] Rob immediately brushes off Marin.

[34:58] He's like, I don't got time to talk to you.

[35:00] He then immediately goes and robs from the church collection.

[35:06] Tuck is there, but he does not hurt Tuck.

[35:09] At one point, I think, uh, at the, my next note refers to, uh, you know, the sheriff finds

[35:15] out about the, the robberies and this hood character going around and he gets super angry

[35:19] about it.

[35:20] And he does it in the presence of, uh, Tuck and Tuck's like, do you want to confess to

[35:26] your friar?

[35:27] And I'm like, did friars do confessionals?

Elliott Kalan

[35:30] Like, I mean, I guess they could probably, they are men of the cloth.

[35:35] I don't know specifically.

[35:36] I mean, friars usually were just at monasteries for the most part.

[35:40] Right.

[35:40] Yeah.

[35:40] I mean, they could perform weddings.

[35:42] So they could probably take confessional too.

[35:45] Uh, I mean, by back then the church like hadn't, I mean, they hadn't split the English church

[35:49] hadn't split off from the Catholics.

[35:50] So maybe things were a little different.

Stuart Wellington

[35:52] So Rob overhears Marion talk about after he leaves a little, uh, pouch of money for Marion,

[35:57] he overhears that she wishes he would just give it to the poor.

[36:01] So he rides around the Narrows, throwing money at everybody, uh, going, who are you going

[36:07] to trust?

[36:08] Me or Batman?

Elliott Kalan

[36:10] And everyone's like, I thought you were our Batman.

[36:13] Like, I thought you were the Batman before Batman.

[36:15] And that's why we couldn't trust the stories.

[36:18] Like, you're more of a Batman than our daddy's Robin Hood.

[36:21] And they're like, how did you get that amazing accent?

[36:23] Did you study that?

Stuart Wellington

[36:26] Then we're in like, uh, the sheriff's like evil.

Elliott Kalan

[36:28] I wish there was a scene where Robin was just, I mean, he's right.

[36:31] He rides his horse through the town and like a real rich stuck up asshole just throws money

[36:35] on the ground and lets the poor people scramble for it.

[36:37] But now I kind of wish that he was just hurling at people's faces, like throwing handfuls of

[36:41] coins in people's faces.

[36:42] Hey, poor.

[36:43] Here you go, poor guy.

[36:44] Hey, poor-o.

Stuart Wellington

[36:46] Uh, then we're in like the, the sheriff's like evil salon with all the nobles and, uh,

[36:53] and Rob's there and he suggests, you know, cause he's doing his like double thing.

[36:57] He's trying to win over the sheriff's trust.

[36:59] He, uh, he suggests maybe putting out a big bounty on the hood and, uh, and he'll put

[37:04] up the money.

[37:04] Yeah.

[37:05] And then the sheriff like kicks out all the, the lords.

[37:07] And then we get like his complicated backstory about how he was raised, poured in orphanage

[37:13] and he was abused by the very lords that were sitting in the room with them.

[37:17] And we get some like kind of confusing hierarchy about who's in charge.

[37:23] I could never quite tell.

[37:24] Like they were talking about maybe like hanging one of the lords.

[37:27] It was just kind of strange.

[37:28] It's, here's my guess.

[37:30] Is he the king?

[37:31] Like what's happening?

Elliott Kalan

[37:31] The sheriff is like the king's agent in the county.

[37:34] Yeah.

[37:34] And the lords have their, because we don't know what year it is.

[37:38] We don't know if this is before or after the magna.

[37:40] I guess we do know what year it is.

[37:40] It's the third, third crusade.

[37:42] So like when they're like, what year it was, I don't remember at the beginning.

[37:45] It's like, well, it's the third crusade.

[37:46] We know when that happened.

[37:47] Right.

[37:47] Yeah.

[37:47] But like, so I don't know if that was pre or post Magna Carta, but like the lords have

[37:52] their privileges.

Stuart Wellington

[37:52] We should go watch that movie that I recommended.

[37:55] I can't remember what it's called.

[37:56] Like Citadel or something about the Magna Carta.

[37:58] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[37:59] Stronghold or something.

[38:00] So like the lords have a certain power, but they're not in control.

[38:05] But the sheriff seems to work for the church more than the king.

[38:09] Yeah.

[38:10] It's all, and like Friartuck works for the sheriff, which I thought was really weird.

[38:14] Like I don't, it's not clear to me who, and maybe that's just how it was back

[38:17] then.

[38:18] Yeah.

[38:18] I didn't live then, you know?

[38:19] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[38:20] And maybe the intention is to, to use the bureaucracy to be confusing, to make it harder

[38:24] for people to move up.

[38:25] Oh, deep state.

[38:26] Got it.

[38:28] So Rob is frustrated and he plans on hitting, hitting the treasury.

[38:33] So they come up with a surprise plan, you know.

Elliott Kalan

[38:36] Oh, before this, he meets up with Will and Will is a real like politician.

[38:41] He considers himself like an activist, but he's going to work within the political system

[38:45] and change things that way.

[38:46] The political system that again, does not exist.

[38:48] You cannot move up through the feudal political system from guy who lives in a mine to local

[38:55] establishment guy.

[38:56] But like.

[38:57] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[38:57] Unless you're like, once again, unless you're Sergeant Richard Sharp and you save Wellington's

[39:03] life in a battle in India.

[39:05] Yes.

[39:06] And you get raised up to, to a different rank and you become part of the officer class.

[39:10] Like, unless that happens, it's unlikely that you can move up.

Elliott Kalan

[39:14] I mean, I kind of wonder why Will didn't get drafted to go fight the Crusades.

[39:17] Like they didn't, like, again, they weren't really, they weren't drafting Lords so much.

[39:21] Like they were, Lords had to raise their men.

Stuart Wellington

[39:23] I mean, they were probably expected to go, but like they probably did that willingly because

Elliott Kalan

[39:26] what else was he going to do?

[39:27] Yeah, exactly.

[39:28] But like this guy would, but anyway, but Will is, but it's like, oh, I see it's, Marion's

[39:32] going to have to choose between the like roguish guy and the guy who's more of an established

[39:37] voice of the people.

[39:38] It's Casablanca, everybody.

[39:40] Yay.

[39:41] Except the dumb version of Casablanca.

Stuart Wellington

[39:44] The classic reverse Casablanca.

[39:46] But he's going to rob the treasury.

[39:48] So he starts to rob the treasury and we go right to the action.

[39:51] Okay.

[39:51] We don't worry about listening to the whole plan, but during the process, he overhears,

[39:56] oh no, they have a new system because the sheriff is nervous about this hood character running

[39:59] around.

[40:00] The plan immediately goes awry.

[40:02] He starts killing all kinds of people.

Elliott Kalan

[40:05] Arrows are flying like bullets, chipping stone pillars as they fly through.

[40:10] Like I got it.

[40:11] I got to believe that, that like, it's just so hard for me to believe that arrows and bullets

[40:14] were that similar.

Stuart Wellington

[40:15] All these dudes are running around with these, uh, these like repeating crossbows.

[40:20] And he ends up like he, after killing a bunch of dudes, he gets shot in the leg and he gets

[40:26] the, gets the bolt out, but he's still running around.

[40:29] He eventually has to like jump out of a window and he is barely saved by John who has already

[40:34] prepped everything and they managed to get away.

[40:36] And while he's like, I failed, John's like, no, we got their attention.

[40:40] Yeah.

[40:40] John lights a big fire.

[40:42] I'm like, what?

Dan McCoy

[40:44] I'm like, you don't want their attention.

[40:47] Like the heat is going to be on you now.

Elliott Kalan

[40:49] Like, and also they had their attention already.

Dan McCoy

[40:51] Yeah.

[40:51] They already hate the hood.

[40:52] It doesn't make any sense.

Stuart Wellington

[40:53] Yeah.

[40:53] And the commoners are now, we see that the commoners have been nailing hoods up on like

[40:57] the rafters to show support.

[40:59] That's just a waste of cloth.

[41:00] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[41:01] So it like one.

[41:03] Yeah.

[41:03] Where are they getting all this cloth from?

[41:04] But also it's such a stupid like show of like, oh, the people love him.

[41:08] It's a protest.

Stuart Wellington

[41:09] Well, it's like, it's like how at Hogs and Heifers, they decorate the chandeliers with bras.

Elliott Kalan

[41:15] Yeah.

[41:16] Yeah.

[41:16] Exactly.

[41:16] Or like this, there's a restaurant I ate in once in Denver, I think it was, where you're

[41:20] not allowed to wear a necktie.

[41:21] And if you do, they cut it off you and they nail it to the wall.

[41:24] There's a wall in neckties.

[41:26] Wow.

[41:27] And I went there with a coworker and he deliberately wore a necktie and they were like, we're going

[41:31] to cut it off.

[41:31] And he was like, it was a cowboy theme place.

[41:33] And he's like, sir, and he made up a whole story.

[41:35] He was like, my, my father on his deathbed gave me this necktie.

[41:39] You wouldn't have the temerity to cut it.

[41:41] And then when they cut it off, he was like, oh, whoa.

[41:43] Like put on a big cartoon face about it.

Stuart Wellington

[41:46] Yeah.

[41:46] And I was like, you can't cut that off.

[41:48] It's just a brightly colored skin tag.

[41:49] And they still did it.

[41:53] Save me some medical bills.

[41:55] It's just a skin tag with a hula girl painted on it.

[41:58] The, uh, so, uh, we also find out that the, that the archdeacon is coming or no, the archdeacon

[42:05] is warning that the cardinal is going to come and that he's warning of treason.

[42:08] And he talks about, he talks about the cardinal showing up like, like the emperor.

[42:13] Yeah.

[42:13] Like an evil warlock.

Elliott Kalan

[42:14] The church is so openly evil and openly sinister in this.

[42:18] And you're like, the whole time you're like, Tuck, do you not realize that they're all super

[42:21] evil?

[42:22] Like, I don't understand.

[42:22] Everyone you work with like talks like an evil sorcerer, you know?

[42:26] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[42:26] And we see that the, the church like firmly has the sheriff's fortunes in their hand.

[42:32] Like that he, he is, uh, beholden to the, to the church.

[42:36] Yes.

[42:36] And also, and that, and Tuck is there the whole time.

[42:38] He's kind of listening in.

[42:39] And we also meet that the, uh, the sheriff has brought in an elite team of hunters to

[42:44] hunt down this hood.

[42:46] That's right, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[42:46] It's the super posse from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

Stuart Wellington

[42:50] And who are they?

[42:50] Like Bosk and, uh, Zuckus and Forlom.

Elliott Kalan

[42:53] Yeah.

[42:54] If they're like, if they're like mercenaries, we don't need their scum.

[42:56] And then, and then, uh, Bosk is there and goes, it's like, wait, how, wait.

[43:00] So there's, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[43:01] It's not, it's not, it's not your daddy's robinous.

Elliott Kalan

[43:04] I can under, okay.

[43:05] So I'll buy that in medieval England, they also have people of color who are just Englishmen,

[43:09] but that Trandishans are there, like lizard men are there.

[43:12] I don't understand.

Stuart Wellington

[43:13] Yeah.

[43:13] I mean, they're, they're jerks.

[43:14] And, uh, so it's, it's, it's his, it's his old army buddies.

[43:18] It's his old unit led by Guy of Gisborne.

[43:21] Who's got a new, uh, like new facial hair and he's talking basically like Lobo from DC Comics.

[43:28] Uh-oh.

[43:28] Cosma Bastage, yeah.

[43:29] Uh-oh.

Dan McCoy

[43:30] Our hero has a personal connection to the villain.

Elliott Kalan

[43:33] Uh, this will come into play never.

[43:36] No, it sort of does.

[43:37] Sort of.

[43:37] I mean, they're kind of leading you up to a big Robin Guy of Gisborne confrontation that does

[43:42] not happen.

[43:43] Not really.

[43:43] Okay.

[43:43] Yeah, if you were hoping for payoff, you're going to be hoping, you're going to be left

[43:46] wanton.

[43:47] Stuart, sounds like it, sounds like it's time to throw a big costume party.

Stuart Wellington

[43:50] Oh, yeah.

[43:51] The Cardinal's coming and Rob gets invited to the party along with Marion and Will and

[43:56] a couple of their commons, which is weird.

Elliott Kalan

[43:58] It's so weird.

[43:59] They're like, we're going to throw this big hedonistic, basically Gatsby-esque, eyes

[44:03] wide shut casino night for the Cardinal.

[44:05] Yeah, yeah.

[44:06] Let's invite some of the poor people.

[44:08] Like, why?

[44:09] Well, they're characters in the movie, aren't they?

[44:10] They're local color.

Stuart Wellington

[44:11] Yeah, so they can watch us play casino games and make very obvious comments about, like,

[44:18] how poor people don't deserve money and stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[44:21] This is also the part where the costuming just gives up on being in any way period specific.

[44:25] Like, they're just wearing Las Vegas showgirl costumes and things like that.

[44:28] Yeah, which is, I mean, at least it's, like, fun to watch.

[44:30] Yeah, that's true.

[44:31] I mean, it is the party scene from The Great Gatsby.

[44:33] Yeah.

[44:33] But in a castle.

[44:35] Uh-huh.

[44:35] The Lord Gatsby.

Stuart Wellington

[44:36] We're also, we also are believing that Tuck, we now know that Tuck and Marion also have

[44:42] a secret plan.

[44:43] Mm-hmm.

[44:43] That they have something going on.

[44:44] And you're like, uh-oh, that's so many secret plans going on at once.

[44:47] Two.

[44:48] I guess three.

[44:49] The bad guy's plan also.

[44:50] We see in the party in the casino, Tuck manages to steal keys from the Lord character

[44:55] whose name I don't remember.

[44:57] Now, here's my question.

Elliott Kalan

[44:58] Is Tuck supposed to be dressed as a Jew?

[45:01] He's wearing all black with a black hat, and he already looks Jewish because he's got that

[45:05] long hair and a beard.

[45:06] Like, and everyone else is dressed in costumes.

[45:08] Mm-hmm.

[45:09] So I was like, he doesn't look like, he's not dressed like a monk.

[45:12] But, like, I was like, is he going as a Jewish person for the carnival night?

Stuart Wellington

[45:16] He seems to be, like, balding, but that's not a tonsure.

Elliott Kalan

[45:19] No, it's no.

[45:20] And he covers it up with a yarmulke.

[45:22] But his costume is so dour that I was like, so is he, like, it was just very weird to

[45:29] me.

[45:30] Yeah, I mean, I think it's-

[45:31] He was carrying a menorah with me.

[45:34] He did keep saying, no, so we have a plan, no.

Stuart Wellington

[45:37] And he's like, a party?

[45:38] Where's the cake?

Elliott Kalan

[45:42] Famously, Jesus always looking for cake.

[45:45] I mean, at a party.

Dan McCoy

[45:47] Don't deny it, Elliot.

[45:48] You're always sniffing out cake.

Elliott Kalan

[45:49] I always look at you.

[45:50] Look at you.

[45:50] Thank you for making it an animalistic thing, too.

[45:53] I appreciate that.

[45:53] Yes.

[45:54] As if it's my people, the Hebrew race were always on the hunt for cake.

Stuart Wellington

[45:59] Using their snouts.

[46:03] That's what Dan was saying.

Elliott Kalan

[46:04] Yeah, that's why in Nazi Germany, of course, we had to wear yellow badges in the shape of

[46:09] cake.

[46:10] It was yellow cake.

Stuart Wellington

[46:12] So, tuck manches to-

Elliott Kalan

[46:14] It would be so funny if there's some racist somewhere who just doesn't know what they're

[46:17] talking about.

[46:18] And they're like, gotta keep my cake safe.

Stuart Wellington

[46:21] Tuck manches to do a little sleight of hand.

[46:23] He steals keys from the Lord.

[46:24] He passes them to Marion.

[46:26] Marion uses these keys to break into his office and go through some paperwork.

Elliott Kalan

[46:32] Because they gotta follow the money.

Stuart Wellington

[46:33] Yeah.

[46:34] Right then, the cardinal arrives.

[46:36] And fuck yes, F.

[46:38] Murray Abraham.

[46:40] Fuck Mary Abraham.

Elliott Kalan

[46:41] Guys, have you ever played Fuck Mary Abraham?

Dan McCoy

[46:43] We've talked about it on the show before.

[46:45] I actually leaned into Stuart's notes because I was like, there's something that's written

[46:48] in like twice as big as anything else with three exclamation points after it.

[46:53] And I'm like, oh, that's F.

[46:54] Murray Abraham.

Elliott Kalan

[46:55] And F.

[46:55] Murray Abraham, you mentioned his accent.

[46:57] It is glorious.

[46:58] But he seems to be playing the same character as when he was on Louis as Louis C.

[47:01] his uncle.

[47:02] Oh, yeah.

[47:03] He was from an indeterminate foreign country and told an anecdote that made no sense.

Stuart Wellington

[47:08] And you're like, well, he's got this great costume and he's got this great accent.

[47:13] Does he have a great wig?

[47:14] Oh, yes, he does.

[47:15] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[47:16] Guys, have I mentioned before how I saw F.

[47:18] Murray Abraham on stage in a play?

[47:20] You've mentioned it many times.

[47:21] He was playing God in a debate with Mark Lynn Baker.

[47:24] Mark Lynn Baker was a loving new kind of modern God.

[47:28] And F.

[47:28] Murray Abraham was an Old Testament hateful God.

[47:31] And it was very funny.

Stuart Wellington

[47:33] So we the cardinal takes the sheriff aside.

[47:36] They go into an office.

[47:37] They start talking about an evil.

[47:39] They start doing some evil planning.

[47:42] And we Robin manages to break into this meeting by winging a plan that involves grabbing Tuck

[47:49] and using him as bait.

[47:50] He's like, Tuck, do you trust me?

[47:51] And then he starts revealing that Tuck has stolen some keys from one of the lords.

[47:56] Before Tuck gets murdered, Rob's like, wait a minute.

[48:01] Instead of them murdering him, why don't we take away his job?

[48:05] And they're like, oh, the most evil thing you can do.

[48:08] In this economy.

[48:11] So we then, they like defrock him and kick him out.

[48:14] And then we hear.

Elliott Kalan

[48:15] This instantly puts Robin in the confidence of both the sheriff and the cardinal.

[48:20] And they're like, stick around as we unveil our evil plan.

Stuart Wellington

[48:24] Craziest plan.

[48:25] Where the sheriff is taking all this money to give the church because they have a deal with an Arabian army commander so that they can funnel money to the Muslim forces so that they can win the war.

[48:39] And then the church and the sheriff can depose the king of England.

Elliott Kalan

[48:43] It's such a crazy plan for many reasons.

[48:46] But here's two that I want to mention.

[48:48] One, the implication.

[48:50] I mean, if there's maybe they're just funding these guys to keep them going.

[48:53] But the implication that I think is said at one point is, oh, they're paying the Arabs to fight the English, which the English have invaded Arab lands.

[49:01] So, like, I don't think the Arabs needed.

[49:03] They weren't like, oh, yeah, yeah, come on in and take over our holy places.

[49:06] Oh, wait, you're going to pay us to fight?

[49:08] Okay.

[49:09] But also, they're so excited about the English crown.

[49:12] And at that time, like, the church was the most powerful organization in the world.

[49:17] Like, England was, like, not the prize it is today.

[49:20] It's like, it was a weird thing that they'd be like, we got to hold this crusade so that we can take over England, this tiny island nation full of poor people.

[49:28] Stuart, prove me wrong.

[49:30] Tell me why it's a great plan.

Stuart Wellington

[49:32] So, at this point, like, encouraged by the cardinal, the sheriff decides that the only way they can get extra money for the war tax, because Rob's been stealing it all, is to go to the Narrows and basically burn down all the Nairows.

[49:48] Well, it's the mines, yeah.

[49:49] Yeah.

[49:49] But it's the same thing.

[49:50] Goes there and steal all the money from the commoners and burn down their homes.

[49:55] And he doesn't care.

[49:56] And then we see that Marion has snuck out of that room with the contracts.

Elliott Kalan

[50:04] Marion, the librarian, if you will, now that she has the documents.

Stuart Wellington

[50:08] She has the documents proving that the cardinal and the sheriff have a deal with this Arabian general.

[50:15] Which is very strange.

[50:16] She's going to send to the FBI, I guess?

[50:17] The papers?

Elliott Kalan

[50:18] Is that what the post is about?

[50:20] I don't know what that's...

[50:21] It is funny that they have a contract that's in Arabic that they all signed.

[50:25] Like, that's a silly thing.

Stuart Wellington

[50:26] So, finally we can impeach this guy.

Elliott Kalan

[50:29] Because it's also like, usually when you funnel money illicitly to a secret organization, you don't have it, like, you don't have a written contract.

Stuart Wellington

[50:36] Mm-mm.

[50:36] No, you got everything written down.

[50:38] And she shows these contracts to her boyfriend, Will.

[50:41] And she's like, we should act on this.

[50:44] And Will's like, no, this could ruin my political career.

Elliott Kalan

[50:48] Like, I've been putting so much time into building up my power within this structure.

[50:53] This is shown by nothing.

[50:54] All we've seen him do is heckle the sheriff once.

[50:56] Yeah.

[50:56] He's like, this could ruin me.

[50:58] They'll come down on me.

[50:59] And we realize, uh-oh, this guy doesn't have the courage of his convictions.

[51:02] He's just a poser.

Stuart Wellington

[51:03] And this is when I looked at the movie and I'm like, there's 43 minutes left?

[51:09] Okay, so the forces of darkness show up at the mines.

[51:13] They start taking everybody's money.

[51:15] The young urchin whose relation to Marion I don't know named Penny gets taken, assuming because her name is Penny and they thought she was money.

Elliott Kalan

[51:24] They thought a witch put a spell on a penny and turned into a person.

[51:27] Like in those old Penny claymation cartoons that were on a, what show was that?

[51:33] Nickelodeon.

Dan McCoy

[51:33] No, the Penny cartoons were on Pee-wee's Playhouse.

[51:37] Oh, that's right.

Elliott Kalan

[51:37] Yeah, Pee-wee's Playhouse.

[51:38] They thought that that's what happened.

[51:39] That someone had turned, had taken pennies and made a girl.

[51:42] And then she meets a dinosaur.

[51:44] No, that's a different penny.

[51:44] And we finally find out what happened.

[51:47] And Guy of Gisborne is leading these troops.

[51:50] And it's like, this is real mission creep.

[51:51] I thought you were brought in to stop the hood.

[51:53] And now you're just enforcing the tax laws.

Stuart Wellington

[51:54] I mean, I think in his head, he's like, by doing this, we're going to pull, to use the words of another character in this movie, pull the tail and see who bites.

[52:03] So he's trying to draw out the hood.

[52:05] I see.

[52:05] And in the process, he and Marion get in a little scuffle.

[52:08] So it gets a little more personal.

[52:09] And then they capture Marion.

[52:11] And then when Rob sees that Marion's in trouble, he's like, well, I got to do something.

[52:16] And he and John attack.

[52:17] And John's like...

[52:17] Before then, he was roasting hot dogs on the burning homes of the mine.

[52:22] And he's like, we got to do something.

[52:23] And John's like, oh, there's too many of them.

[52:24] And he's like, there's not enough.

[52:26] I'm going to bury all these fools.

[52:28] So they attack.

[52:29] Then we get a sweet stagecoach chase, guys.

[52:31] Big horseback chase through the mines.

[52:33] Yeah, this is awesome.

[52:33] Through the mines.

[52:35] There's a point where a giant molten thing of metal crashes behind them as they run away.

[52:43] Like a giant explosion.

[52:45] It's so awesome.

[52:45] I also wrote down that I hope no horses got hurt in the sequence because it's not cool enough.

[52:50] No.

[52:51] It was super cool, though.

[52:53] I mean, you know, art is art.

[52:55] Sometimes you have to suffer.

[52:57] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[52:58] So they're having this chase through the droid factory of Geonosis.

[53:02] And then what happens?

[53:03] It's the Donkey Kong Country mine cart race.

[53:06] Tip La Doom.

Stuart Wellington

[53:07] They turn a corner and a ballista shoots an exploding bolt.

[53:10] And they all jump off it.

[53:12] And they're like, here we go again.

[53:15] And then John's like, next time you drive.

[53:20] I got a bad feeling about this.

[53:22] And then they start to get surrounded.

[53:25] That should never tell us to be the odds.

[53:27] They start getting surrounded.

[53:29] You got any more?

[53:29] No.

[53:30] Okay.

[53:30] They start getting surrounded.

[53:31] I mean, if you give me a minute to think, but it really seems like a waste of the podcast.

[53:35] And John's like, you guys leave.

[53:37] And he fights for a little bit.

[53:39] And then he gets captured.

[53:40] And Rob and Miriam escape.

[53:43] And Rob has a moment of doubt.

[53:44] Yeah.

[53:44] He's like, you don't know why.

[53:46] And she's like, she obviously still has feelings for Rob.

[53:49] And he's like, and she knows he's the hood.

[53:51] I forgot to mention this, that like, while he's rescuing her, she sees him in full costume.

[53:56] But she knows immediately it's him.

[53:57] She somehow recognizes his face and voice.

[54:00] Yeah.

[54:01] And just like body.

[54:03] You know, like how you can sometimes just tell a person's body.

Elliott Kalan

[54:04] She knows his body.

[54:06] Oh, yeah.

[54:06] Intimately.

[54:07] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[54:07] As established from the beginning of the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[54:09] Those things were like, if a friend of mine is wearing like a balaclava or something like that,

[54:13] because it's cold out, or they have a scarf over there from their face.

[54:15] Or they're robbing something.

[54:16] Or robbing a bank.

[54:17] Like, if it's like, I can still recognize them.

[54:19] Like, I still know.

[54:19] It's not like I'm like, stranger, get away from me.

[54:22] Oh.

[54:22] And they pull their scarf down.

[54:23] I'm like, oh, Dan, thank goodness.

[54:27] I thought you were a monster or a thief.

[54:29] No, you were just wearing a scarf.

[54:30] And he puts the scarf back up and they go, ah, stranger.

Stuart Wellington

[54:32] So she's clearly sympathetic to both his cause and the hood's cause.

[54:36] And he says, you don't know me.

[54:39] The hood's a disguise.

[54:40] And she's like, no, I think Rob's a disguise.

[54:42] It's stupid.

[54:43] It's a stupid moment where it's like.

Elliott Kalan

[54:45] Basically, all the stuff people say about Batman, that Bruce Wayne is the mask that Batman wears.

Stuart Wellington

[54:48] Yeah.

[54:48] And it's this moment where you're like, you're just forcing problems here.

[54:52] Yeah.

[54:52] Like, as much as you claim that you want Marion back in your life, you don't.

[54:55] You just like being a freewheeling maniac.

[54:58] So John has been captured and he gets threatened by Ben Mendelsohn.

[55:02] And a pretty fun scene.

[55:04] Because, like, I got to say, like, Jamie Foxx is pretty good in this movie.

[55:07] Oh, yeah.

[55:07] I agree.

Elliott Kalan

[55:08] They're both top scenery chewers.

Stuart Wellington

[55:09] And it's fun to see them going at each other.

[55:11] Yeah.

[55:11] This scene's pretty fun.

Dan McCoy

[55:12] His character is, like, rote badass, dude.

[55:15] But he's, you know, a charismatic guy.

[55:17] So it's fun to watch him.

[55:18] Yeah.

[55:18] He's super fun.

Elliott Kalan

[55:19] And any minute you're like, is he going to start playing, get hit the road jack?

[55:24] Is he just going to break out in it?

Stuart Wellington

[55:26] Yeah.

[55:26] At this point, there's a big meeting of the commoners.

[55:30] Will is trying to make an argument that, like, they should leave the mines, strike out elsewhere.

[55:38] And he wants to, like, lead them to freedom.

[55:41] Yeah.

[55:41] And then the hood shows up along with Marion.

[55:45] And he makes, and he reveals himself, which is a strange choice.

[55:49] Yeah.

[55:49] To just show his penis to everybody.

[55:50] Yeah.

[55:50] He reveals himself.

[55:52] And he gets everyone to decide to fight alongside him.

[55:56] And the commoners are with him.

[55:57] And Will looks over.

[55:58] And that's when he realizes the hood really is a thief.

[56:01] He stole his girl.

Elliott Kalan

[56:02] Oh.

[56:03] That would be the scene in an 80s movie where Will's best friend would come over and try to reassure him.

[56:07] And Will would push him away.

[56:09] He's just so mad.

Dan McCoy

[56:10] Yeah.

[56:10] And look, I, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself.

[56:13] Maybe I should save this till, like, the moment that Will does a heel turn.

[56:16] Because he's going to do a heel turn.

[56:17] But, uh.

[56:18] Jamie Tornan, no way.

[56:20] He's normally such a nice guy.

[56:21] One of my, one of my problems with this movie is, like, it's like class politics are so fucked up.

[56:27] Yes.

[56:27] Because I feel like it betrays the character of Will.

[56:30] Like, it sets up this character to be this, you know, like this of the people revolutionary.

[56:34] And the movie's like, no, no, no.

[56:36] We don't need that.

[56:37] We need a rich guy to come down and save these commoners.

[56:41] And then that'll be cool.

Elliott Kalan

[56:42] Yeah.

[56:42] We don't.

[56:42] Let's reveal that the guy who comes up from the people is actually just selfish and greedy.

[56:47] And the rich guy is a selfless hero.

[56:50] Yeah.

[56:50] And he's the one that we, he, that's what we, I mean, the movie is, and I'll just, I'll not just to skip ahead plot wise.

[56:57] But just to say, like, the movie then starts playing on a lot of, like, Occupy type imagery.

[57:02] Yeah.

[57:02] And it is very, it is this movie that, like, really is cloaking itself in what it thinks are, like, cool modern ideas.

[57:08] And I have to admit, like, it's very open about the idea that, like, the religious order is bad.

[57:13] And that, like, it's, it's very open about, like, ruling authority and, and the, and organized religion is evil, which is.

[57:21] And, and, and police tactics are shitty.

[57:23] Yeah, are bad.

[57:24] And which is, which are fairly, you know, radical ideas to have in a big budget entertainment thing.

[57:29] Yeah.

[57:29] But, like, it's still all about, like, we need one guy who's a rich guy to step in, do the, do all the fighting because he's the best and the toughest.

[57:38] And the only way to get what we want is, is through violent action where we take no prisoners.

[57:44] It's like a really regressive movie.

[57:46] A bit like Great Man Theory of History.

[57:48] Yeah.

[57:48] It's a really aggressive movie that thinks it's a progressive movie.

[57:51] And it dresses itself up in these ideas of, like, modern warfare.

[57:54] And, like, there's a scene coming up where it seems like Rob is having some kind of PTSD attack.

[57:59] Yeah.

[57:59] And, like, it feels a lot like what it must have been like to be in the 60s and see the movies where it's like, this hippie has to take down the local drug dealer.

[58:09] And it's like, he's a cop, but he's also a hippie, you know.

[58:11] Like a Billy Jack sort of thing?

Dan McCoy

[58:13] Yeah.

[58:13] Yeah, very much so.

[58:14] I'm going to kick my way to social justice.

Elliott Kalan

[58:17] Yeah, exactly.

[58:18] Like, and, like, to be like, what the fuck?

[58:20] Like, you're just going to take the same old shit and dress it up in, like, modern clothing so that we seem cool.

[58:25] Yeah.

[58:25] Like, it made me very mad.

Stuart Wellington

[58:27] So the people have joined Rob and they have this big, like, preparing montage so that they can steal the funds that the big order of money that the cardinal is sending to the Arabian general.

Elliott Kalan

[58:38] They have one last chance because it's about to ship out all the money that's going to the Arabs.

Stuart Wellington

[58:42] And part of his argument to sway the people to his side is that the sheriff is taking their money to give to the Arabian army.

[58:52] But it's like, I thought you were sympathetic to their side too, dude.

[58:56] Like, you can't, like, the argument, he was, he seems swayed by the brutal tactics of the English army, the invaders.

[59:03] And all of a sudden he's like, well, everybody, they're trying to help the army that is defending themselves.

[59:09] Isn't that terrible?

Elliott Kalan

[59:10] He's, I think Rob is the master, real master politician that he will say whatever the crowd he's talking to wants to hear.

Stuart Wellington

[59:16] Or whatever the scene needs to move the plot forward.

[59:19] I mean, that's true too.

Elliott Kalan

[59:19] He'll also say whatever the movie needs to, like, just keep going.

Stuart Wellington

[59:21] So there's this big preparing montage where they're, like, everybody, all the commoners come together and they're building stuff.

[59:27] And this is the point where I'm like, in any actual situation, one of these people would be like, well, I know who the hood is.

[59:34] I'm going to go tell the sheriff and get money for it.

[59:36] Yeah.

[59:36] And then they'll just stop this.

Elliott Kalan

[59:37] But that doesn't happen.

[59:38] No, instead they all put on hoods.

[59:40] And this is when they would, if they had the guts, they would have played that song from Ghostbusters 2, is it?

[59:46] On our own?

[59:47] Is that the one?

[59:48] It was like when they're gearing up to finally defeat Viggo.

[59:52] Oh, I know.

[59:53] That Take Control song.

[59:54] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[59:55] Like, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[59:56] The Bobby Brown ones.

[59:57] I guess we're gonna have to take control.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:01] I mean, while they're doing Bobby Brown songs, maybe.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:04] Too hot to handle.

[1:00:04] You call the Ghostbusters and they're in control.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:07] I mean, they could have done Don't Be Cruel or Roni.

[1:00:11] Yeah, I guess, yeah.

[1:00:12] We'll move on.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:12] Any sort of gearing up pop song.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:14] Yeah, yeah.

[1:00:14] Firework.

[1:00:15] So Jamie Foxx is lying.

[1:00:18] He's lying on the ground and they give him a bowl of food that they spit in.

[1:00:20] And he headbutts the bowl, which is pretty cool.

[1:00:23] And then he hides a chunk of ceramic piece in his mouth.

[1:00:28] That'll be used later.

[1:00:29] He's not just like, oh, man, my food.

[1:00:31] I guess I'll eat this.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:33] Like an elephant licking the salt rocks inside a cave.

[1:00:37] I guess I'll just eat the ceramic walls of my cell.

[1:00:39] We see.

[1:00:39] Or it's like, this is how I'll escape.

[1:00:40] I'll eat my way out.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:41] We see a we see the money convoy, like the money train being put together as the money

[1:00:48] train is moving down the street.

[1:00:49] Money stagecoach.

[1:00:50] Money stagecoach.

[1:00:51] The rebels attack.

[1:00:53] As we mentioned, it's very like Antifa type.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:57] They've all got scarves over their faces and they've got Molotov cocktails and things like

[1:01:00] that.

[1:01:00] And they're like waving sticks.

[1:01:02] And it's very like the 1999 WTO protests in Seattle, that kind of stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:08] John manages to escape using a piece of ceramic lodged in his mouth to cut a guy's throat.

[1:01:13] Kind of like glass, right?

[1:01:15] Glass did something like that.

[1:01:17] Yeah, he did.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:17] I thought you meant the material, but I realize now you mean the character.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:20] Yeah, the character glass.

[1:01:21] So, yeah, we have, you know, rioters versus riot cops.

[1:01:25] All the finally we see guys armed with shields and like stun batons or like cudgels.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:33] I mean, they just should have brought out modern riot police at that point.

[1:01:36] And it would have been like the end of Mother where all the arrows are smashing together at

[1:01:40] once.

[1:01:41] And it has the history of man takes place in this one house.

[1:01:43] What a great movie, huh?

[1:01:45] Yeah.

[1:01:45] What a crazy turn that movie takes.

[1:01:47] But then in retrospect, you're like, oh, it makes perfect sense.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:49] So while the riot is going on, they manage to undermine the money cart and it collapses

[1:01:56] through the ground and they have a tunnel underneath.

[1:02:00] And they...

[1:02:01] So they don't undermine it by telling it it's been gaining weight.

[1:02:03] Yeah.

[1:02:04] And then Rob shoots the lock off because, you know, that's a gun basically.

[1:02:11] And then...

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:12] I am so surprised that at some point they didn't have a crossbow silencer in this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:18] And the sheriff is trapped on the other side of like a firewall.

[1:02:22] And he's like, and that's not computer stuff.

[1:02:24] I'm talking about an actual wall of fire.

[1:02:25] And he's like, get me to that cart.

[1:02:27] So his men use their shields to part a firewall?

[1:02:32] Like, it's pretty weird.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:35] This isn't your daddy's physics.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:38] So they...

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:39] Forget everything you know about reality.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:40] So they're stealing the money out of the cart and transferring to other carts.

[1:02:44] The sheriff's forces led by Guy Giesborn surround them and start

[1:02:48] shooting down into the hole.

[1:02:50] Rob gets shot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:50] It's the battle of the crater all over, everybody.

[1:02:53] Am I right, Civil War buffs?

[1:02:54] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:55] Rob gets shot and he and Marion have a moment of romance just in time for Will to show up

[1:03:00] and see it.

[1:03:01] And it distresses him so much he gets knocked on the head and drops his fire,

[1:03:05] his petrol bomb at his feet and he burns himself up.

[1:03:08] Will we have a two-faced moment?

[1:03:10] Maybe.

[1:03:12] So they're like, let's get this out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:15] You gotta be pretty shocked by seeing your girl with another guy to drop a petrol bomb at your feet.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:21] He's like, don't need these trainers anymore.

[1:03:24] Giesborn jumps down there.

[1:03:25] I bought him because she likes to jog.

[1:03:27] Giesborn jumps down there to try and kill Rob and we have this great Lobo moment.

[1:03:31] And then pretty quickly Rob beats him up and he's begging for his life.

[1:03:37] And Rob doesn't kill him, which is crazy.

[1:03:41] He's killed so many people.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:42] But Rob is like, hey, this guy saved my life in the crusade so I can't bring myself to do it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:51] I guess.

[1:03:51] It's a weird moment after he's murdered so many people.

[1:03:52] It's because he's not wearing a mask.

[1:03:54] If he had a mask, he would have smoked him.

[1:03:55] If he had a mask, he would have been like, who are you?

[1:03:57] Stranger.

[1:03:57] I don't know you.

[1:03:58] Yeah, yeah.

[1:03:59] A stranger with guys' high-end voice.

[1:04:02] And so Marion, what does she hit him with a sledgehammer or something?

[1:04:04] She like knocks him out or something.

[1:04:06] Maybe she kills him.

[1:04:06] I assume she killed him.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:07] I mean, after she knocked him out, she then stabbed him a bunch, devouring the carcass.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:14] And Robin's like, well, my hands are clean.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:16] She goes, two in the back of the head, execution style.

[1:04:19] And she shoots a bow and arrow into the back of his head.

[1:04:21] Yeah, yeah.

[1:04:21] Very John Wick.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:23] So they're about to leave.

[1:04:25] They're about to leave on boats with the money when they're like, where's Will?

[1:04:29] And Rob's like, we got to go back.

[1:04:31] It's all or none.

[1:04:32] And I'm like, there's a ton of people left.

[1:04:34] There's a ton of people.

[1:04:35] There's no all or none.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:37] Most of them are still fighting.

[1:04:38] It's like Saved by the Bell, where there's five students at the school who have names and personalities.

[1:04:43] And then just nameless background extras.

[1:04:45] In this movie, there's like the five characters.

[1:04:47] And they're really all who counts.

[1:04:48] And all the nameless villagers, their job is just to go, oh, or yeah, or look sad or happy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:54] Mr. Belding is a Sheriff of Nottingham type character.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:57] He's more like the Sheriff of Nottingham from The Adventures of Robin Hood, who is a buffoon.

[1:05:02] Because the real villain in that is Basil Rathbone's guy of Gisborne, who's a real badass.

[1:05:06] And they have one of the best sword fights, him and Errol Flynn.

[1:05:10] And this movie does not live up to that sword fight.

[1:05:13] So...

[1:05:13] Is it now?

[1:05:14] Does it...

[1:05:15] Now, let's compare it to the sword fight between Basil Rathbone, Errol Flynn, and Captain Blood.

[1:05:18] Also a great sword fight.

[1:05:20] I'd say Robin Hood's a little better.

[1:05:21] Guys, prove me wrong.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:22] I would say, do...

[1:05:24] Is that the one where they...

[1:05:26] The music is Battle of the Fates and there's those like...

[1:05:29] Yeah, those laser walls.

[1:05:30] Laser walls.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:31] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

[1:05:32] Yeah, whatever.

[1:05:33] And Guy of Gisborne, he unsheathes the back end of his sword because it's double-wated.

[1:05:37] What?

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:38] What?

[1:05:39] And I'm like, I saw this in the trailer.

[1:05:41] I'll buy a t-shirt before seeing the movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:44] I was hoping that Stuart would do the thing he did the last time Elliot said, prove me wrong, which is just totally ignore that Elliot said something.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:51] You would like that, Dan.

[1:05:52] You would like that.

[1:05:53] Because much like Zeno's arrow, the closer we get to the end of the movie, the longer it takes us to get there.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:00] So Marion finds a burned and beaten Will and he's like, get out of here.

[1:06:06] Come on, get.

[1:06:08] And then Rob...

[1:06:09] He calls a real Harry and the Hendersons on her, but for real, he does want her to leave.

[1:06:12] So Rob has, as you mentioned, he has this like PTSD moment.

[1:06:16] He's flashing back to the battles.

[1:06:17] Yep.

[1:06:18] And he's seeing the carnage of the riders being unmasked as the police are struggling to find the real hood.

[1:06:24] So he climbs up on like a carriage or something and he's like, it's me, stop fighting.

[1:06:29] Which, why are you doing that, dude?

[1:06:30] They're not going to stop.

[1:06:32] But he's like, you know, I'm the hood.

[1:06:35] He reveals himself.

[1:06:36] He gets captured.

[1:06:38] Spartacus thing, is that what you're going to say?

[1:06:39] He gets dragged into...

[1:06:40] No, no, they don't do that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:40] No, it's just that this is the third time I think that he's revealed himself to someone.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:44] He gets dragged into the church, right?

[1:06:48] Are they in a church or a castle or something?

[1:06:51] Castle Doom, let's call it.

[1:06:51] I don't know.

[1:06:52] So he goes into the throne room and the sheriff...

[1:06:54] It's a multi-use evil center.

[1:06:56] Yeah, the sheriff is super excited.

[1:06:58] He has this like cool...

[1:06:59] The sheriff has this like cool cage that he's going to lock him up in.

[1:07:03] And he talks about, I was going to kill him, yada, yada.

[1:07:06] Rob talks a little bit of trash and then he looks up.

[1:07:09] Before he gets killed, he looks up and he sees one of those guards has a really cool metal stump.

[1:07:14] Uh-oh.

[1:07:15] Uh-oh.

[1:07:16] So he...

[1:07:17] Uh-oh.

[1:07:17] It's actually John in disguise and the two of them kill all the guards, killing more people.

[1:07:21] And then they wrap a rope around the sheriff's neck.

[1:07:24] No wrap.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:26] Well, in olden days, here's what I'm going to say.

[1:07:29] It's Robin Hood and we're doing real good.

[1:07:31] That kind of stuff.

[1:07:32] It's a real old school crappy rap.

[1:07:34] Yeah.

[1:07:35] In West Philadelphia, but actually England.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:38] It's back when just the idea of like sort of talking a rhyme was like novel enough that people were like, yeah, we'll allow anything.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:47] We call it Wayne Brady-ing.

[1:07:49] Yeah.

[1:07:49] Because that's what he did on Who Slams It Anyway a lot.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:51] So he...

[1:07:52] Yeah, they wrap a...

[1:07:53] At this point, I would have expected the sheriff to pull like a sword cane out and be like super badass.

[1:07:58] But he doesn't.

[1:07:59] No, they just wrap a rope right back.

[1:08:00] And he's like, you can't kill me.

[1:08:02] I'm the sheriff.

[1:08:03] And they're like, not anymore.

[1:08:05] And then they're like, sheriff revoked.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:06] Well, Rob says not anymore, which just doesn't make sense.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:10] Sheriff revoked.

[1:08:12] And then the like rope drags him up the air and he chokes to death.

[1:08:15] And like a good movie, like his pockets would have spilled a few coins on the ground.

[1:08:19] And in real life, he would have pooped himself.

[1:08:21] He'd probably pooping coins, raining from the sky.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:24] Which do I catch?

[1:08:25] I mean, they're both the same, man.

[1:08:27] Money's just shit we believe is valuable.

[1:08:29] Yeah, man.

[1:08:29] That's really cool.

[1:08:30] Earlier, John had told the sheriff, you're going to ask for God when you die, but I'm going

[1:08:35] to be the last face that you see.

[1:08:37] And so that prophecy is from the old.

[1:08:39] Yeah, yeah.

[1:08:39] Yeah, you did it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:41] So I guess they're outlaws at this point.

[1:08:43] They like all run off and they're setting up their own little like outlaw land.

[1:08:45] It's like the last day of summer camp.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:47] They're like all going their separate ways, but they're going to meet up and they're like,

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:49] see you in Sherwood.

[1:08:50] Yeah.

[1:08:51] And they're so happy.

[1:08:51] They're giving each other high fives.

[1:08:53] And then we get an ending, but a fake ending.

[1:08:55] It cuts to black and we hear a Two-Face coin being flipped.

[1:08:59] Something like that.

[1:09:00] Why so serious?

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:02] A different guy.

[1:09:06] So yeah, he's like Two-Face.

[1:09:07] He's going to destroy all of Gotham's water.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:09] So at this point, we cut to Will Scarlet's heel turn.

[1:09:13] His face is unwrapped.

[1:09:14] He is slightly burned.

[1:09:16] His ear is kind of gross.

[1:09:18] And it turns out that the cardinal offers him the position of sheriff.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:23] Which again, it begs real questions about the power structure in England that the cardinal

[1:09:30] of the Catholic Church is hiring the local constabulary, but that's right, everybody.

[1:09:35] It's the end of the Green Lantern movie, but in Robin Hood and times when Sinestro turns

[1:09:39] back or any other, you know, hundred movies.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:41] Yeah, so, and then Will, dressed up as the new sheriff, goes out.

[1:09:45] He starts addressing the crowd that they need to stop the hood.

[1:09:47] He holds up a really cool wanted poster.

[1:09:49] Arrow sticks that wanted poster to the wall.

[1:09:52] Bang!

[1:09:52] We cut to credits.

[1:09:54] And there's like 10 minutes of credits.

[1:09:55] So when I said 43 minutes earlier, it was only like 33 minutes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:59] And over the credits, there's some kind of song that's like, I don't remember if it was

[1:10:03] a having a good time song or if it was like a fight the power type song.

[1:10:06] It's probably about being a hero or something.

[1:10:08] Which we learned all about.

[1:10:10] Probably about being a hero.

[1:10:11] And there's a part in the credits where it's all animated like kind of drawings and they

[1:10:15] do a drawing that is a play on the famous image that's become a big graffiti thing of the

[1:10:20] guy with the scarf on his mask throwing a Molotov cocktail during a street protest.

[1:10:23] And I was like, come on, movie.

[1:10:24] You don't get to co-op that.

[1:10:27] Yeah, exactly.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:27] All right.

[1:10:27] Quick final judgments because we got to do a live show tonight.

[1:10:30] That's why we're in a La Quinta.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:32] Woo!

Dan McCoy

[1:10:32] So, uh.

[1:10:34] Live show.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:35] That's right.

[1:10:35] Hey, thanks for coming to the show, everybody.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:37] Oh, I think you're confused.

[1:10:39] Was this a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or movie you kind of liked?

[1:10:42] I'll say that like at the beginning when I was like, like I said earlier, when I thought

[1:10:45] it was going to be like dumb in a crazy way, I thought I might like it.

[1:10:50] But it turned out to be dumb in a way that I said, you know, kind of angered me politically

[1:10:55] a little bit and bored me.

[1:10:57] So I say it's bad.

[1:10:59] Yeah, this is a bad.

[1:11:00] Good bad or bad bad?

[1:11:00] Bad bad.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:01] Yeah, this is a bad, bad movie.

[1:11:02] There's some good, bad stuff in it.

[1:11:05] If you have a real soft spot for like a dumb, like faux historical action movie, at least

[1:11:13] the, the, some of the performances are actually pretty fun and good.

[1:11:16] So I like those.

[1:11:17] I wish the lead wasn't so bland and that the whole movie wasn't just stitched together from

[1:11:23] other movies, but whatever.

[1:11:25] So bad, bad.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:26] I'm going to say bad, bad also more just like the, the, the cloaking itself in ideas

[1:11:32] that it didn't and images that it did not earn really irritated me.

[1:11:36] But like, I don't know, maybe in some ways it's a good, bad movie.

[1:11:39] It's a pretty stupid movie aside from that.

[1:11:41] So it's like we've seen worse, worse movies.

[1:11:43] Yeah.

[1:11:43] I mean, it's, it's pretty light.

[1:11:45] So I don't know.

[1:11:46] Yeah.

[1:11:46] If you're interested in that.

[1:11:48] I mean, if you're, if you're interested in it and you're not going to be troubled by

[1:11:50] our hero, just murdering the hell out of a lot of guys.

[1:11:54] Yeah.

[1:11:54] Like a PG sort of way.

[1:11:55] I mean, there's no blood.

[1:11:57] It's just like an arrow hits them and they fall down and then arrows hit him and he gets

[1:12:00] up and walks away.

[1:12:01] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:03] But he's not wearing armor.

[1:12:05] So it's the, his arrow drives the armor into their body.

[1:12:07] The armor is the problem.

[1:12:13] Hi, I'm Viv.

S4

[1:12:16] And I'm Teresa.

S5

[1:12:17] And we host One Bad Mother, a comedy podcast about parenting.

S4

[1:12:20] Whether you are a parent or just know kids exist in the world, join us each week as

[1:12:25] we honestly share what it's like to be a parent.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:29] These are really hard questions.

[1:12:30] They are really hard.

[1:12:31] I don't have any answers for them.

[1:12:32] I don't either.

S4

[1:12:33] Sack of garbage.

[1:12:34] I know.

[1:12:35] The end of the show will just be five minutes of those and Teresa crying and screaming until

[1:12:45] the outro is played.

[1:12:47] So join us each week as we judge less, laugh more, and remind you that you are doing a great

S5

[1:12:52] job.

S4

[1:12:53] Find us on maximumfun.org, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

S5

[1:13:00] Genre film fans, hear me.

[1:13:02] I know you're out there.

[1:13:03] Do not be ashamed of your love for gore, action, sci-fi, or fantasy.

[1:13:08] It's time to come out of the shadows.

[1:13:10] Because on Switchblade Sisters, we celebrate our love for genre films.

[1:13:14] I'm film critic April Wolf.

[1:13:15] Each week, I have a conversation with a different female filmmaker about their fave genre film.

[1:13:20] And we cover film craft, getting projects off the ground, working with actors, and our

[1:13:24] general love for genre movies.

[1:13:25] I've had so many great guests, like Heather Graham.

[1:13:28] In the past, it's like so many films are made by men that the female point of view is not

[1:13:31] always respected, which is why all these stories haven't come out till now.

[1:13:35] Jennifer's body director, Karin Kusama.

[1:13:37] I think there's a lot more fantasy and a lot more expectation projected onto a woman director.

S4

[1:13:44] Comedian and actor, Kate Berlant.

[1:13:46] I mean, it sounds so cheesy to talk about it in yourself.

[1:13:48] Like, you just keep going.

[1:13:49] You're, you know, I'm just a vessel.

[1:13:51] Like, I just do it.

[1:13:52] You know, I don't think.

[1:13:53] But, like, that is what it is.

S5

[1:13:55] And many others.

[1:13:56] So check out Switchblade Sisters every Thursday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your

[1:14:00] podcasts.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:05] So, guys.

[1:14:07] Yep.

[1:14:07] The Flophouse is brought to you in part by Z-Man Games.

[1:14:11] Hell yeah.

[1:14:11] The makers of Pandemic Rapid Response.

[1:14:14] Cool.

[1:14:15] What is Pandemic Rapid Response?

[1:14:17] Well, let me tell you.

[1:14:18] Disaster has struck.

[1:14:19] And cities around the world are in desperate need of food, water, vaccines, and other supplies.

[1:14:24] With a specially equipped cargo plane, you and your team are uniquely capable of providing

[1:14:29] life-saving aid anytime, anywhere.

[1:14:32] Pandemic Rapid Response is a race against time.

[1:14:35] Roll dice to create supplies, fly the plane, and make deliveries to cities in need.

[1:14:40] As the timer counts down, you must quickly coordinate and work together to react to new disasters.

[1:14:46] Can you save humanity in time?

[1:14:49] Include seven unique character rolls and 24 custom dice.

[1:14:52] That's so many dice.

[1:14:54] Increase the difficulty.

[1:14:56] With more city cards, add crisis cards for a new challenge.

[1:15:01] Find out more about Pandemic Rapid Response at Z-ManGames.com and grab your copy of the game

[1:15:07] from a target near you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:09] That's awesome.

[1:15:10] Yeah, I just, I finally got a chance to crack that box and play it the other day and it was

[1:15:15] really fun.

[1:15:16] As a long-time fan of Pandemic, I thought this was a really cool twist on it.

[1:15:20] And it's faster and I like having the little ticking clock mechanic, the little timer.

[1:15:28] And then also I learned that you can, there's ways to make the game easier if you're not

[1:15:32] very good at it, which is good for me.

[1:15:34] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:35] And I'll take Stuart's word for it since he's the game expert.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:38] And as non-the-game expert, I'll just back him up.

[1:15:41] Really fun.

[1:15:42] And I'm a huge fan of cooperative games because I just want everybody to get along.

[1:15:46] Hey guys, why don't we all be friends?

[1:15:48] Nope, only destruction and winning.

[1:15:51] Oh man, but well, if you don't feel like Stuart just now, then I heartily recommend it.

[1:15:57] Dan, what's the name of that game again?

[1:15:59] Pandemic?

[1:16:00] Rapid Response.

[1:16:01] From Z-Man Games.

[1:16:02] Get Z-ing with it.

[1:16:03] Is that their tagline?

[1:16:05] No, it could be.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:06] Why not?

[1:16:08] I suppose we should talk a little bit about our live show since we don't have any other

[1:16:12] things to talk about right now.

[1:16:14] Well, we're going to do one in a few hours.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:16] So if you listen to this right now through the hotel walls while we're recording, we're doing

[1:16:21] a show tonight in Minneapolis.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:22] Well, it's sold out anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:25] So why are we talking about it?

[1:16:26] Let's talk about our Boston shows, Dan.

[1:16:28] We've got a Boston show.

[1:16:28] Which are technically in Brookline, but it's just right over the river, dudes.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:31] We have a Boston show on September the 28th.

[1:16:34] The early show is sold out, but there's one at 9.45 that has tickets available.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:38] Now, Stuart, you did a show in this venue already, WBUR City Space, right?

[1:16:43] Yeah.

[1:16:43] And was it real fun?

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:44] It was a blast.

[1:16:45] And it's a pretty intimate venue, so you're right up on us.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:52] So if you want to be right up on the Flophouse guys.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:55] And behind the audience in the direct eyeline of the people on the stage is a giant floor-to-ceiling

[1:17:01] window.

[1:17:02] So if you didn't get tickets to the first show, but you want to mess with us, feel free to

[1:17:07] stand outside and make faces.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:09] Or if you didn't get tickets and you want to come to the show, just bring a stethoscope

[1:17:12] and put it up against the window.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:14] Yeah, like a real thief.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:16] You know, it takes a thief to catch a Flophouse show.

[1:17:19] And on October the 12th, we will be in Los Angeles.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:22] My hometown.

[1:17:23] I love all of it.

[1:17:23] Ellie must be happy about that.

[1:17:24] I love it because it means I can stay at my house.

[1:17:27] I don't have to go to a La Quinta unless they want to sponsor the show.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:30] I think we also want to point out the Boston shows are going to be doing two different

[1:17:34] movies.

[1:17:35] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:35] So if by chance you want extra nonsense from us, we'll be doing two different episodes

[1:17:39] for almost four hours.

[1:17:41] But we will.

[1:17:42] That's true.

[1:17:42] We'll be doing two different shows.

[1:17:43] So you might want to go to both.

[1:17:45] We'll be doing a different show from both of those when we're in Los Angeles.

[1:17:48] And I'm so excited that Stuart will finally knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood,

[1:17:51] toot, toot, toot, don't let the evil eye get us.

[1:17:53] That he will finally be able to join us in LA.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:54] I don't know.

[1:17:55] My back's feeling a little twitchy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:57] No.

[1:17:58] No.

[1:17:59] So even if you saw us in LA two years ago, this will be a different show.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:03] I'm about to get in a fight with this guy named Bane, but he's just a wimp, right?

[1:18:08] No.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:08] Well, I can't help Stuart's back that we are all hunched over a hotel room table.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:12] I'm a master of the darkness.

[1:18:16] And unless he was born in the dark, I think I got this one.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:20] I love the idea that Bane walks in and Batman goes, wait, before we fight, no back stuff,

[1:18:24] okay?

[1:18:24] And Bane's like, um, well, that's kind of what I do.

[1:18:28] Oh, boy, I got to really re-strategize on the fly here.

[1:18:31] Although he would say, like, oh, Batman, but backs are what I break.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:35] Oh, bleh.

[1:18:37] I'm so kind of a vampire.

[1:18:38] Why didn't Batman have, like, little spikes on his back?

[1:18:41] Like a little dinosaur, like a stegosaur.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:44] You didn't even be stegosaur, man, not Batman.

[1:18:46] I mean, have you seen a bat?

[1:18:47] That's your answer.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:48] And then Bane will be like, I can't break him over my knee.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:50] That'll poke my little knee.

[1:18:51] Bane is like, I can't break him over my knee.

[1:18:53] He's my son.

[1:18:54] Dan, explain the riddle.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:55] How is this possible?

[1:18:57] Let's go to letters instead.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:58] The doctor, I am Bane.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:01] The first letter, the dumbest recurring bit.

[1:19:05] This first letter is from Jackie, last name withheld.

[1:19:10] Chan?

[1:19:11] Holy shit.

[1:19:13] Yeah.

[1:19:13] It's spelled J-A-C-Q-U-I.

[1:19:16] So I doubt it's Jackie Chan.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:18] I don't know.

[1:19:18] Maybe he's trying something new.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:19] Sure.

[1:19:20] Jackie says, hiya, fellas.

[1:19:22] What's the dumbest pop cultural argument you were on the wrong side of?

[1:19:26] Whether being just plain wrong or backing the lesser choice.

[1:19:30] I got into an argument with a girl in middle school that, quote, no, the female lead in Brain Candy is definitely played by a woman.

[1:19:38] Thanks, Jackie.

[1:19:39] Last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:40] Oh, similar to that, I once got into an argument when I was a teenager about the movie Dumbl Indemnity, where I was insisting that Edward G. Robinson was not in the movie.

[1:19:47] I had never seen Dumbl Indemnity.

[1:19:49] But being a nerdy boy, I could not admit that.

[1:19:51] And so instead I was like, no, no, no, no.

[1:19:53] And then I finally, years later, saw it and was like, oh, he's the third lead in the film.

[1:19:56] Like, he's very obviously in it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:58] Yeah, I mean, this doesn't quite answer the question, but I want to tell the story anyway.

[1:20:02] When I went to MaxFunCon West, I went to Hodgman and Chuck's, their trivia, their, like, cool, fun trivia thing.

[1:20:13] And I was totally worthless the whole time.

[1:20:15] I'm terrible at that sort of thing.

[1:20:17] But there was a question that was like, name all the actors who have played Hannibal Lecter.

[1:20:22] And I'm like, oh, I got this one.

[1:20:24] Because I thought for some reason I knew the actor who played Hannibal in Hannibal Rising or whatever that fucking movie was.

[1:20:31] Where it's like young, sexy Hannibal.

[1:20:34] Not to be confused with Max Nicholson.

[1:20:37] The sexiest Hannibal.

[1:20:38] Yeah, sexy Hannibal.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:38] Or young Sheldon, which is a different thing.

[1:20:40] But he's still Hannibal.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:42] That'd be an amazing twist in the last episode of young Sheldon as he eats one of the other characters.

[1:20:47] Yeah.

[1:20:47] And they're like, oh, you thought this was that Sheldon from Big Bang Theory?

[1:20:50] This is a different Sheldon.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:51] It would be weird if it was the same Sheldon.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:54] And they'd be like, what happened?

[1:20:55] They didn't mention it through all the seasons of Big Bang Theory.

[1:20:57] They were just eating people on the side.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:58] Is that why Bob Newhart's character is a ghost on that show?

[1:21:02] Has he been eaten by Sheldon?

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:04] It's like, it was a phase he went through.

[1:21:07] And he doesn't feel the need to talk about it now that he's an adult.

[1:21:09] So it just never came up.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:10] So I, like, proudly exclaimed some name that I don't remember now who I thought was the actor.

[1:21:16] And I was totally wrong.

[1:21:18] And I've been shamed and will never do that trivia ever again.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:21] The one that comes to my mind is the end of Avengers Infinity War.

[1:21:26] I was convinced that at the end of that, Thanos had died.

[1:21:31] Like, the power of the gauntlet, you know, overcame him.

[1:21:34] Because, like, the next thing you see is him talking to Gamora in this, like, limbo-y area.

[1:21:40] And I thought, like, okay, like, he, like, sacrificed himself to do his mission and now he's dead.

[1:21:45] And now he's in heaven as his rightful.

[1:21:47] Well, he's in some sort of afterlife.

[1:21:49] I see.

[1:21:49] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:21:50] He goes to see his family in the field of grain or whatever.

[1:21:53] So that's what I thought.

[1:21:54] And then I was like, oh, no, he's in the next movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:57] I think it's interesting that Stuart didn't mention his most famous arguing something that's incorrect about a movie.

[1:22:02] Involving a certain rip-offable ding-dong.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:04] Oh, that's weird.

[1:22:06] Yeah, I don't know.

[1:22:07] Maybe we could talk about it after the show because it doesn't sound like something I'm familiar with.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:11] I will mention also something that I realized I had grown up at a certain point when, and this is not to endorse any personal behavior on the part of the filmmaker involved in this.

[1:22:20] But when I realized that it was not an injustice that Annie Hall had defeated Star Wars for Best Picture, as a kid, it's always like, can you believe that?

[1:22:27] Annie Hall beat Star Wars?

[1:22:28] Star Wars is amazing.

[1:22:29] And then I remember being around 14 or 15 and seeing Annie Hall and being like, oh, this is a beautiful movie.

[1:22:34] Like, oh, yeah, that's why I beat Star Wars because it's about grownups.

[1:22:37] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:37] Yeah, you were like, there's no wars in the name at all.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:39] It's not Annie Wars Hall.

[1:22:41] So at what point does Alvy use his mind powers?

[1:22:44] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:45] This next letter is from David T. Last Name Withheld.

[1:22:48] Okay.

[1:22:49] I assume that stands for David, the last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:52] I thought it was David T. and the women.

[1:22:54] Hmm.

[1:22:55] Uh.

[1:22:56] You know, like the famous Robert Altman film, Dr. T. and the women.

[1:22:59] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:00] Took me a moment, and then I was like, I can't believe you said that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:03] I can't believe that's the first thing I thought of.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:06] So David writes,

[1:23:07] Hi, floppers.

[1:23:08] On a recent long-haul flight, I felt like it would be a good opportunity to channel my inner Dan

[1:23:13] and take in that most rarefied of cinematic forms, the plane movie.

[1:23:16] Mm-hmm.

[1:23:17] The onboard entertainment system even had a number of things I had a meaning to see,

[1:23:22] including the Grand Budapest Hotel and Red Sparrow.

[1:23:25] However.

[1:23:26] Very similar films.

[1:23:27] I was disappointed to find that, upon starting these films,

[1:23:30] there was a notice saying they had been edited for content.

[1:23:33] This notice caused me to immediately lose interest for two reasons.

[1:23:37] The first is just a gut reaction against that kind of censorship.

[1:23:40] While I understand the airline's desire to prevent an unsuspecting kid a few rows back

[1:23:44] from seeing something super violent,

[1:23:46] I feel like that sort of edit fundamentally changes the character of a film.

[1:23:50] Second, if I did watch that edit,

[1:23:53] I would later feel compelled to go back and watch the real version.

[1:23:57] If I'm going to do that, why watch the censored one in the first place?

[1:24:00] My questions to you are as follows.

[1:24:03] And he's got one for each of us.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:04] Okay, great.

[1:24:05] Okay.

[1:24:05] I'm assuming he's going to ask Dan about his feelings toward the censorship of the new Final Fantasy remake,

[1:24:11] where they made one of the women's chests smaller.

[1:24:13] Dan has been raging about it.

[1:24:15] He said it ruined his childhood.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:18] Do not start that rumor.

[1:24:21] Dan, when on a plane, do you watch films that have similar content-based edits?

[1:24:26] Elliot, as a father, do you appreciate that sort of censorship of plane movies for your children's sake?

[1:24:34] Stu, on a related note,

[1:24:36] which is the funnier line from a bad TV edit of an R-rated movie?

[1:24:41] Quote, I've had it with these monkey fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane.

[1:24:46] Or, quote, this is what happens when you fight a stranger in the Alps.

[1:24:50] Keep on flopping in the free world.

[1:24:53] P.S. I ended up watching the unedited Ocean's 8.

[1:24:55] It was fine.

[1:24:56] So maybe we should take this in order.

[1:24:57] Dan, when on a plane, do you watch edited films?

[1:25:00] I do, but I, too, have the problem that you do.

[1:25:05] I wish that they were unedited.

[1:25:06] I understand the argument for editing them for the sake of other passengers.

[1:25:12] But I'm chaotic good.

[1:25:15] And I feel like, whatever.

[1:25:18] People will see what they'll see.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:19] It's weird that they edit out the objectionable content with just shots of planes crashing.

[1:25:24] I will tell this story.

[1:25:28] I watched The Overnight.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:31] The Overnight has long sequences of Adam Scott and Jason Schwartzman nude with prosthetic penises.

[1:25:41] How do you know they're prosthetics?

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:42] Have you seen them with them without them?

Dan McCoy

[1:25:44] I've read interviews about them.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:46] Compared to the photos I took through their windows.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:50] Yeah, he picked up these sin effects.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:51] Well, part of the thing about it is...

[1:25:55] The Overnight had a huge special feature about it.

[1:25:59] How they achieve the makeup effects of those prosthetic penises.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:01] Also, part of the thing of it is Adam Scott has a micro penis and Jason Schwartzman has a comically large penis.

[1:26:07] Oh, I see.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:08] I mean, again, could be possible.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:10] But they're dancing around fully dicks out for a lot of the movie.

[1:26:13] And I may be inventing this in my memory, but I believe that there was one point I was watching this movie and one of the captain's announcements came on, which of course freezes the screen on this dick scene.

[1:26:29] And I'm just like, oh God.

[1:26:30] I'm like putting my hand up over the screen.

[1:26:32] Because you want to touch their penis.

[1:26:33] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:26:34] I was like, maybe if I wish hard enough.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:36] Yeah, it's just like a reverse last action hero.

[1:26:38] Where's my magic ticket?

Dan McCoy

[1:26:41] So anyway, that's my answer.

[1:26:43] Ellie, do you appreciate the content editing or do not?

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:45] I mean, at this point, it doesn't matter to me because when my son...

[1:26:49] My son's at the age where when he's on a plane, he sits in front of that screen and we just put on bubble guppies or something and he just is glued to it.

[1:26:57] And so he doesn't notice anything else going on in the world around him until it's time to eat pretzels.

[1:27:00] In which case, we go through our pretzel routine that he and I have that's very cute where we pretend that we're like wine tasters.

[1:27:05] And so we like sniff the pretzels and then listen to them and look at them really close and then eat them as if they're delicacies.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:12] I mean, I think it's for us to judge whether that's cute, Ellie.

[1:27:14] It is.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:15] Well, you should see it.

[1:27:16] It is objectively adorable.

[1:27:17] Okay.

[1:27:18] You get so into it.

[1:27:19] But other than that, he doesn't notice.

[1:27:20] But I'm sure...

[1:27:21] I mean, I don't know.

[1:27:21] If it's...

[1:27:22] The thing is, do they really edit the violent stuff out?

[1:27:25] Because I know that often nudity gets edited out but not violence.

[1:27:28] I think, yeah.

[1:27:29] And rather the violence get edited out.

[1:27:30] And swears.

[1:27:31] And swears, it's like the only person who's going to hear the swears is the person...

[1:27:34] It's like your kid should not be watching a movie that you think is objectionable on a plane anyway.

[1:27:40] So like if they're...

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:40] Well, I think it's for people looking over other people's shoulders.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:43] But that's...

[1:27:43] Well, then swears doesn't matter.

[1:27:44] You worry that they're going to mouth the word with swears.

[1:27:46] But like, I think it's...

[1:27:48] First, I think maybe when he gets a little older, I'll be glad about that stuff.

[1:27:50] But right now, I have no real opinion on it.

[1:27:53] So that's not the most interesting answer.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:54] Stuart, do you have a...

[1:27:55] I'm going to say the first one.

[1:27:56] The one from the...

[1:27:57] Monday to Friday.

[1:27:58] Yeah.

[1:27:58] The Snakes on a Plane.

[1:28:00] Monday to Friday is pretty funny.

[1:28:01] It's really great.

[1:28:02] I remember growing up, like, my favorite one was...

[1:28:04] Because it was the one I saw edited for content the most was Coming to America.

[1:28:09] Uh-huh.

[1:28:09] And the whole Forget You Too scene where he's shouting out at the other denizens of Queens.

[1:28:14] When he's singing and they want him to shut up.

[1:28:16] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:17] Well, how did they edit the scene where they washed the royal penis?

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:19] I think it's completely removed.

[1:28:21] And what they do is they add in a shot of planes crashing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:25] Wow.

[1:28:26] Even on television?

[1:28:26] It's strange.

[1:28:28] Comedy Central's wild.

[1:28:29] When I was growing up, my parents were very loose with us watching Moons and Nudity.

[1:28:33] So we watched the unedited Coming to America off HBO all the time.

[1:28:36] But we had an edited...

[1:28:36] All the time.

[1:28:37] All the time.

[1:28:38] Constantly.

[1:28:38] Looped.

[1:28:39] They put me in the...

[1:28:40] It was the Ludovico technique.

[1:28:41] And I had to...

[1:28:42] They stretched my eyes open.

[1:28:43] We had an edited for TV version of Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

[1:28:46] Uh-huh.

[1:28:46] So the lines...

[1:28:47] It seemed...

[1:28:48] When he...

[1:28:48] It's...

[1:28:49] The line that's in my head in the movie is,

[1:28:51] Cameron is so tight.

[1:28:52] If you stuck a piece of coal in his fist, in one week you'd have a diamond.

[1:28:56] Or later on, Cameron's printing me someone on a phone.

[1:28:59] He goes,

[1:28:59] Pardon my French, but you, sir, are a moron.

[1:29:02] And so like...

[1:29:03] And when I see the unedited one, I'm like, that's not the line.

[1:29:05] Hold on.

[1:29:06] He says moron there.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:08] Yeah.

[1:29:09] I was shocked.

[1:29:10] I feel like I was well into adulthood before I learned that Sixteen Candles has a brief

[1:29:15] shower scene in it.

[1:29:16] Oh, wow.

[1:29:16] Yeah.

[1:29:17] But...

[1:29:18] Yeah.

[1:29:18] Which is completely, like, gratuitous, by the way.

[1:29:21] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:22] Removing that scene is the most gratuitous offensive thing from that movie, you say, right?

[1:29:26] No.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:27] Again, don't put words in my mouth.

[1:29:29] No, no.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:29] Let's quote Dan McCoy on that.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:32] This last letter is from L.

[1:29:34] Remainder...

[1:29:35] E-It.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:36] Kalen.

[1:29:36] And it says, hey guys, it's me.

[1:29:39] I'm trapped in Dad's phone.

[1:29:41] Please let me out.

[1:29:42] There's an imposter there recording with you.

[1:29:44] No, no.

[1:29:44] Shoot him.

[1:29:44] I'm the real Elliot.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:46] I think we're supposed to shoot your phone, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:48] Wait, which one?

[1:29:49] I know this.

[1:29:50] Which one of them has a goatee?

[1:29:53] This is from L.

[1:29:54] Remainder of first name withheld.

[1:29:56] Izzard.

[1:29:57] So, some sort of lizard.

[1:29:59] Okay.

[1:30:00] Letty Izzard.

[1:30:02] Who writes, I have a question that's right up Elliot's alley, but Stuart and Dan, feel

[1:30:07] free to weigh in too.

[1:30:09] Yeah, right.

[1:30:09] Get right.

[1:30:09] Nice of you.

[1:30:10] Yeah, no, no.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:10] Crawl right up my alley.

[1:30:11] I want it.

[1:30:12] Stick that question right up my alley.

[1:30:13] Oh, my God.

[1:30:14] Come on.

[1:30:14] Get all in there.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:15] Oh, wow.

[1:30:16] My son is almost three, so I've been watching the Cars movies over and over.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:20] Welcome to my hell.

[1:30:21] In the first movie...

[1:30:22] I'm sure they're not that bad.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:23] In the first movie, two fans of Lightning McQueen flash their headlights at him, and he

[1:30:27] says something like, I love my job.

[1:30:29] In Cars 2, Maider approaches a vendor at the flea market and asks what she's selling when

[1:30:34] she says, Headlight, Monsieur, headlights.

[1:30:37] He seems embarrassed and drives away.

[1:30:40] However, in the first movie, when Mac finds McQueen, he says he's a sight for sore headlights.

[1:30:45] That seems weird, since their eyes are on their windshield.

[1:30:47] So in the world of Cars, are headlights boobs?

[1:30:50] Keep up the good work.

[1:30:52] L. Izzard.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:53] I think they are, and that actually, that joke is one of the few in the Cars movies that

[1:30:57] I find that I don't like outright on content reasons.

[1:31:01] As you guys know, long-established Flophouse canon, I don't like jokes in kids' movies that

[1:31:05] play off of swear words or references kids wouldn't know or sex stuff.

[1:31:10] And so I think the real problem here, though, is why are we mapping human anatomy onto non-human

[1:31:18] figures?

[1:31:19] Why are we assuming that, one, Cars bear live young that require milk feeding?

[1:31:25] They're not mammals.

[1:31:25] They don't have hair.

[1:31:27] Or two, that Cars are sexually attracted to the same types of body parts that we are.

[1:31:33] And also sexually attracted to a body part that is exposed at all times.

[1:31:37] Exactly.

[1:31:37] You'd think they'd be attracted to, like, they'd pop their hoods and show their engines.

[1:31:40] And that's what, like, Hustler in the Cars world shows, is the girls pop their hoods.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:43] Have our imaginations gotten so limited?

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:47] Yeah.

[1:31:47] There's a line in a Theodore Sturgeon short story where an alien is talking about a car

[1:31:52] and says something along the lines of, why would they only streamline the parts that

[1:31:56] they could see?

[1:31:57] Why wouldn't they streamline the whole thing?

[1:32:00] Or something like that.

[1:32:01] And it's like, yeah, let's open up our minds to the Cars perspective.

[1:32:05] Why does everything about them have to be somewhat human?

[1:32:09] You know?

[1:32:09] Why does it have to be about, maybe there's a body part that Cars have that is the headlight

[1:32:13] that does a number of different things and yet is still a sexual object in some way,

[1:32:18] you know?

[1:32:19] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:20] Yeah.

[1:32:20] I mean, I think that'll be saved for the follow-up Cars 4 novel written by Jeff Vandermeer.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:27] Yeah, I think so.

[1:32:29] Yeah, it really makes us rethink our body horror and our creeping paranoia about the cosmos.

[1:32:34] Yeah.

[1:32:36] So that's what I would say.

[1:32:37] They're boobs.

[1:32:38] Yeah.

[1:32:38] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:40] Totally boobs.

[1:32:42] So let's go on to the final part of the show where we make a few recommendations of movies

[1:32:47] you should watch instead of Robin Hood.

[1:32:50] Let's do it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:51] I'll also say, I should mention to that person, if they haven't seen Cars 3 with their kid,

[1:32:55] Cars 3 is the best of the Cars series.

[1:32:57] Oh, you think so?

[1:32:57] I do think so, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:58] I watched about a third of it on Netflix and was enjoying it fairly well and then didn't

[1:33:03] feel the need to return to it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:04] I think that's okay.

[1:33:06] I think we might have talked about this before and I might have mentioned you are not the

[1:33:08] target audience for the Cars films.

[1:33:10] So are we going to recommend Robin Hood movies?

[1:33:12] We don't have to, but you can if you want.

[1:33:14] Okay.

[1:33:15] I'm going to recommend Robin Hood from 2018.

[1:33:17] It stars Jamie Foxx.

[1:33:18] Wow.

[1:33:18] And it's just like, finally a movie with ideas, you know?

[1:33:22] Uh-huh.

[1:33:22] Yeah.

[1:33:22] But maybe you should go.

[1:33:23] Is it my daddy's Robin Hood?

[1:33:25] It is.

[1:33:25] Well, is your daddy Jamie Foxx?

[1:33:27] No, my daddy's Kevin Costner.

[1:33:29] Okay, then no it's not.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:32] I guess I'll go.

[1:33:33] I like, look.

[1:33:35] Look.

[1:33:35] Here's the secret about recommendations.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:38] We don't have to recommend something that we saw recently.

[1:33:41] Uh-huh.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:42] But that often happens and I don't know why you guys do it, but in my case it's because

[1:33:46] my memory is bad and I can't remember like what movie I liked in the past that I haven't

[1:33:51] recommended before.

[1:33:52] Uh-huh.

[1:33:53] And so sometimes I end up just recommending whatever I saw recently.

[1:33:59] Which is not to say I did not like the movie I'm going to recommend.

[1:34:02] It's just to say there's no need for me to recommend because it's a big blockbuster movie.

[1:34:07] And that's your Spider-Man Far From Home.

[1:34:11] I really like the Sam Raimi Spider-Men.

[1:34:15] But I think overall this new version might be my favorite Spider-Man version.

[1:34:22] I will say that I think that...

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:24] Yeah, because you didn't like Spider-Verse, right?

[1:34:28] You like a plain old white Spider-Man.

[1:34:30] Well, Spider-Verse.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:32] I can't put things in my mouth.

[1:34:33] You said something about like I can't relate to this Spider-Man.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:36] Again, you guys are jerks.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:38] You could put your finger on it, but there's just something you found threatening.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:41] You guys are assholes.

[1:34:42] I know.

[1:34:43] Spider-Verse actually might be the best Spider-Man movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:45] It is almost certainly the best.

[1:34:47] Although sentimentally, Spider-Man 2 was my favorite.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:49] That being said, of the continuing stories, I'm sure they'll do a Spider-Verse sequel.

[1:34:52] But of the continuing stories so far...

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:54] They already did a Spider-Verse sequel in the comics.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:56] I like this version.

[1:34:57] And I will say that definitely this is my favorite.

[1:35:02] I think Zendaya is my favorite love interest for Spider-Man.

[1:35:07] I think she's super charming in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:08] Even though she's Michi?

[1:35:11] Why do you say that as if it's a bad thing?

[1:35:13] I don't know why that would affect things.

[1:35:15] Just the whole movie, I was like, Spider-Man, that's Michi.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:18] I like the fact that they are so able in these movies to combine a lighthearted teen comedy

[1:35:27] and a superhero movie.

[1:35:29] And to the degree that I went to the theater with my girlfriend

[1:35:33] and she was so upset about the parts where there were conflict,

[1:35:37] she's just like, I want to see a movie about Spider-Man taking a European vacation

[1:35:43] and getting to kiss people.

[1:35:45] I want to be happy about what's happening.

[1:35:47] There's so many complications that keep him from being happy.

[1:35:50] I'm like, well, that's kind of the Spider-Man thing.

[1:35:51] It's kind of his deal.

[1:35:52] He never gets to be happy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:54] Do not show her If Looks Could Kill starring Richard Grieco.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:57] But anyway, just a lot of fun.

[1:36:00] That's all.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:02] I can go next.

[1:36:03] I'm going to recommend, I'm going to continue my trend of horror movies

[1:36:06] focusing on a single mother with a child.

[1:36:09] I'm going to recommend a recent movie called The Hole in the Ground.

[1:36:14] It's, I think, English or it's Irish.

[1:36:17] It's an Irish movie.

[1:36:19] And it is about a woman who has moved into a new home.

[1:36:23] And she discovers behind, in the woods behind her house, there is a massive sinkhole thing.

[1:36:30] And then one night when her son is out in the, she thinks her son has run off.

[1:36:36] But when she finds her son, he seems to be acting different than what she expected.

[1:36:42] And she's concerned that her son might be some kind of a doppelganger or something.

[1:36:45] And it's, you know, it plays on some classic stuff.

[1:36:49] But it's a fun watch.

[1:36:51] And if you like horror movies, check it out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:53] I'm going to do a kind of too easy recommendation.

[1:36:56] And then so I might throw in another one.

[1:36:57] But I mean, I mentioned already in this movie, I feel like, in this movie, in this episode,

[1:37:01] we watched a Robin Hood movie.

[1:37:02] I really love the Errol Flynn Adventures of Robin Hood.

[1:37:04] So I'm really, if you haven't seen it, it's just like the most, like one of those, like,

[1:37:10] perfectly put together 30s studio, just glossy adventure movies that has really nothing going

[1:37:16] on in it except just nonstop, like kind of fun and adventure.

[1:37:20] And Errol Flynn is just so, like, charismatic and alive in it.

[1:37:24] Like, our idea of what Robin Hood is like, a lot of it comes from this movie.

[1:37:27] Olivia de Havilland's in it, and she's great, and she's still alive.

[1:37:30] And every day that I remember that Olivia de Havilland is still alive, I'm like, oh,

[1:37:33] that's wonderful.

[1:37:34] It's just, like, super fun.

[1:37:36] Like, Eugene Pallett's Friar Tuck is, like, always the Friar Tuck for me.

[1:37:40] And it's in color, in that beautiful 30s Technicolor, because they put a lot of money into the sets

[1:37:44] and the costumes and everything.

[1:37:45] And it just looks gorgeous.

[1:37:46] The sword fighting is great.

[1:37:48] The Adventures of Robin Hood.

[1:37:49] Like, and I'm sure that I bet you there are things in it that don't, like, culturally hold

[1:37:53] up today.

[1:37:53] I haven't seen it in a few years.

[1:37:55] But it's just like, you know, nonstop fantasy adventure in a great way.

[1:37:59] But it feels like it's pretty easy to just recommend a better Robin Hood movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:03] Yeah.

[1:38:03] I mean, speaking of other Robin Hood movies, I'm glad the one we watched today didn't try

[1:38:07] to be, like, the hot, sexy Robin Hood, because we already have that.

[1:38:10] That's the animated Robin Hood, which is the sexiest of all the Robin Hoods.

[1:38:14] Oh, boy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:14] I watched that again recently, and Sammy loved it.

[1:38:16] And I'm like, oh, I forgot.

[1:38:17] This is one of the most boring animated movies ever made.

[1:38:20] Come at me, haters.

[1:38:22] That fox is super sexy.

[1:38:23] I loved it when I was a kid.

[1:38:24] It's super sexy.

[1:38:25] But it is, watch it again.

[1:38:26] It is so dull.

[1:38:27] Okay.

[1:38:27] Partly because it was made on a really tight budget.

[1:38:30] Yeah.

[1:38:30] They're reusing animation from, like, other movies.

[1:38:32] From the Jungle Book.

[1:38:33] From the Jungle Book.

[1:38:34] And the audio recording is bad.

[1:38:36] You can hear the rooms that they're recording in.

[1:38:38] Like, Peter Ustinov is yelling, and you can hear the sound bouncing off the ceilings.

[1:38:42] But also, the way it's shot, it's all wide shot, two shot, close up on whoever's talking.

[1:38:47] Like, there's no interesting.

[1:38:48] They don't take advantage of animation, because they didn't have the money to do it.

[1:38:51] Yeah.

[1:38:51] So, like, you're just using the same backgrounds over and over again.

[1:38:54] Like, it's a, you watch it as an adult, and you're like, oh, this is a movie that was

[1:38:57] really made on a budget.

[1:38:58] Like, you compare it to a movie like Pinocchio, or even like Dumbo, which was also made on a

[1:39:03] budget, but 30 years earlier, and it just doesn't hold up.

[1:39:06] But anyway, so that's my hot take, is I don't like the Disney Robin Hood, but the Errol Flynn

[1:39:10] Robin Hood I love, but because it's easy to recommend a Robin Hood, I've been on a real

[1:39:15] Western kick lately, and it's made me think about one of my favorite Westerns of all time.

[1:39:19] I don't think I've recommended it on the show before.

[1:39:20] I apologize if I had it.

[1:39:21] It's called The Gunfighter, starring Gregory Peck.

[1:39:23] It's a Henry King movie, and Gregory Peck plays the classic character of a gunfighter.

[1:39:29] He's the quickest draw, so he's always being challenged.

[1:39:32] When he was a young man, he made a big reputation, and now he's haunted by it, because men

[1:39:36] are constantly challenging him, and he has to prove himself in order to save his life, and

[1:39:39] that means he's racked up a trail of bodies along the way, and he's become haunted, and

[1:39:44] he has a love that he left behind in a town, and a son who doesn't know that this man is

[1:39:49] his father, and he decides that he's going to go back to the town they're in and visit

[1:39:53] them.

[1:39:53] And the whole movie takes place pretty much over one day, maybe even one afternoon.

[1:39:58] No, no, it's one day.

[1:39:58] And it's him in this town, and kind of dealing with the consequences of this life that he

[1:40:03] built for himself.

[1:40:04] It's a really, really great movie.

[1:40:06] Maybe, no, it doesn't help.

[1:40:07] It takes mostly place in one day.

[1:40:08] It's mostly.

[1:40:09] Yeah, it's mostly.

[1:40:10] It's not real time or anything, but mostly.

[1:40:11] No, no, it's mostly.

[1:40:12] But Gregory Peck's really great in it.

[1:40:14] It's not like Nick of Time.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:15] No.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:16] I once hosted a screening of it, and because one of the projectors was down, there had

[1:40:20] to be a break between each of the reels while they were changing the reels.

[1:40:24] Because this is back in olden times, everybody.

[1:40:25] We were using real film.

[1:40:27] And every single, like it's like every 10 minutes, there was enough of a little cliffhanger

[1:40:31] that you needed that next reel.

[1:40:33] And I was just amazed.

[1:40:34] It wasn't until that moment that I realized how beautifully structured the movie is.

[1:40:37] So, The Gunfighter.

[1:40:38] But that's if you want something that's slightly more serious.

[1:40:41] But if you just want to check your brain at the door, The Adventures of Robin Hood.

Dan McCoy

[1:40:44] Yeah, Gunfighter is one of those ones that,

[1:40:46] I recorded off of Turner Classic Movies just sort of on faith, because it had like five-star

[1:40:52] rating or whatever.

[1:40:53] And I'm like, this is interesting.

[1:40:53] I like Gregory Peck.

[1:40:56] I like a Western.

[1:40:57] And yeah, I was not disappointed.

[1:40:59] It's super good.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:59] That's the movie that was not a huge success at the time.

[1:41:02] And people were like, because Gregory Peck has a mustache.

[1:41:05] How can you cover up that pun of it and expect to make money?

[1:41:07] Come on.

Dan McCoy

[1:41:08] Well, let's close up the old flop house.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:12] Bring down the gates.

[1:41:13] Turn the lights down.

[1:41:15] Hack up the tents.

[1:41:16] Put the elephants back on the train car.

Dan McCoy

[1:41:17] We've got a packed schedule before this show.

[1:41:19] So, let's just end it.

[1:41:21] And by ending it, I will start to end it.

[1:41:23] By saying...

[1:41:24] Saving a lot of time.

[1:41:25] I've been Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:27] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:41:29] And this isn't your daddy's Ellie Kalin saying,

[1:41:31] I've been Ellie Kalin, but not your daddy's Ellie Kalin.

[1:41:33] Cool.

[1:41:34] See ya.

[1:41:35] See ya.

[1:41:43] Nobody likes us.

[1:41:46] Everybody hates us.

[1:41:47] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:47] Go eat worms.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:50] How do we eat fried worms?

[1:41:51] On bookstores now.

[1:41:52] I mean, on bookshelves.

[1:41:53] It's not on the top of the store.

[1:41:55] How are you going to get to that book?

[1:41:57] A big stack of them.

[1:41:58] Land your helicopter on Barnes & Noble.

[1:42:00] Big on the book.

[1:42:02] Okay.

S5

[1:42:04] MaximumFun.org

[1:42:05] Comedy and culture.

[1:42:07] Artist owned.

[1:42:08] Audience supported.

Ep. #289 - Robin Hood

Chapters

Transcript

In this episode

Description