Ep.# 291 - Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom LIVE

[0:00] On this episode of the podcast we discuss Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom live from Earlham College

[0:30] Hey everyone and welcome to The Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington. And I'm Elliot Kaelin. And we are The Flophouse? Yep. Alright we don't normally do it that way but that's fine. Now guys we're doing this from a special location that might be a little bit of a surprise to anyone who didn't listen to the opening.

[0:58] Yeah go on. We're at Earlham College in Richmond, Indiana where Dan and Stuart first met as wee lads. Uh-huh. We were two tiny little guys. Dan was two years less tiny. Now I believe the story is that Dan you were the president of the nerd frat and Stuart you were the president of the like party frat. Uh-huh.

[1:20] I wasn't the president so much as like the guy that kept chained in the basement and pulled out only for special events. There are no Greek houses on this campus but uh. There's no freak houses? There were definitely some freak houses. That was cool. Yeah so we'll stop doing Earlham specific chatter and we'll get into what we actually do on this podcast.

[1:44] Dan is all business when he's at Earlham. He wants to look professional in front of his former college student colleagues. Are they in the audience? I feel like Dan's wardrobe has been auditioning for like a college professor job for a long time. Judging by your wardrobe Dan I think you work here.

[2:08] Yeah. Every time you look in the mirror you're like that's a wonder boy. For the listener at home I have a cardigan and a tie. A cardigan and a tie. So Dan what do we do on this podcast other than make fun of you? Uh no that's it. We watch a bad movie and then we talk about it. In this case we watched as we said in the intro Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom. The sequel to Jurassic World. The kingdom's doing okay.

[2:36] And of course there was the prequel Jurassic World Building a Kingdom. Can we just dive into this movie? I guess not. We haven't seen the first one though right? I saw it. Neither of us saw the original Jurassic World which I know. As a dinosaur boy that's an issue. I wish I had seen it. Is that how you identify Ellen? As a dinosaur boy? Yeah. Ellen's a dinosaur boy. I'm a Tarzan boy.

[3:03] I mean I don't like labels but on the spectrum I guess that's where I fall. I have dinosaur boy tendencies. Okay. Now Jurassic Park of course as regular listeners would know was a very important movie to me. It's how I date all human history. Is that 1993 for me is the year one JP. And every year before that is dated as BJP for Jurassic Park. And every year after that is AJP after Jurassic Park.

[3:29] So you'd think I would have gone to see Jurassic World but for some reason it just didn't seem to have the same magic. Let's see if Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom recaptures that magic. That magic being a questionable grasp of how DNA works.

[3:41] We begin at Isla Nublar, site of the doomed Jurassic Park and then also doomed Jurassic World theme parks. I guess that's why I couldn't see Jurassic World the first one is it was so dumb to me. But they were like hey remember that theme park that never opened because everyone got eaten? Let's open it. And we'll put it in the same place.

[4:04] So we're in Isla Nublar. There are two guys just regular working Joes who are inside a submersible bathysphere. So I know what you're thinking. As Stewart said while we were watching it James Cameron is involved. Guy loves undersea exploration. And they are looking at an underwater site where they find the skeleton of Indominus Rex the super dinosaur from the last movie. And they take its tooth in a scene that involves a CGI saw cutting into a CGI tooth.

[4:30] Did that really bother you? I think it was all CGI. You're like saws and teeth both exist. Later on in the movie we learn that the tooth collection part of the film is not for DNA purposes but the guy who's in charge of the mission wants to make a tooth necklace. And I don't understand how this giant tooth is going to figure into that. As the centerpiece?

[4:53] Well you're talking about the star of Monk Ted Levine of course who plays an evil guy who likes to collect body parts which he has done in the past in other movies like Sons of the Lambs.

[5:04] So you're saying it fits the action more than the movie. I'll do the movie but I have to collect some kind of body part in it. I have to tell a dinosaur to put lotion on at some point. Okay. But we're not there yet. They take this and then instantly the idiot who is monitoring them almost gets eaten by a T-Rex and then when he escapes he gets eaten by a super Mosasaur that leaps out of the ocean and just bites him off a dangling helicopter ladder. Guys, it should be thrilling.

[5:34] For some reason it wasn't quite. This is also the first of many scenes where the T-Rex does something and then roars immediately afterwards and it seems to have done the thing just so it could earn a roar moment. This is a very grandstanding, very dramatic dinosaur.

[5:49] Yeah, this is the T-Rex version of dabbing which is a callback to something that happened before the show started.

[5:56] What is this? Letterman? Come on, why are we calling back things that happened before the show started? Letterman used to do that a lot. Anyway, okay, forget it. Ooh, boy. Cut to BBC World News. I was like, hold on a second. Did I change the channel? No, because they're reporting on Jurassic Park.

[6:09] There's an active volcano on Isla Nublar that's expected to kill all the leftover dinosaurs from Jurassic World theme park. This has so angered animal rights activists that the Senate actually calls a special session in to see if they're going to deal with it, which is crazy.

[6:24] The Senate will not call in a special session if Americans are killed. A volcano is going to kill some dinosaurs, an already extinct form of life, and the thing that they missed out is we don't get to see a really rowdy rootin' tootin' Texas senator be like, I'm not going to spend American tax dollars bringing these gino lizards back to America, which is what I wanted to see.

[6:47] I imagine actually the Texan being like, they're eventually going to turn into oil, so we've got to save these dinosaurs.

[6:55] Yeah, this is the first, this sets up the major conflict in the movie, which is, we'll talk about it more as the description goes on, I'm sure, but the movie doesn't seem to know what we're supposed to make of dinosaurs, whether they're good or bad.

[7:13] The movie's like, we've got to save these creatures before they get extinct, but then the movie also wants to have the thrills of having dinosaurs relentlessly killing humans. But they mainly kill bad guys.

[7:25] Yeah, because dinosaurs have an inherent moral sense. It is true. There's a part of me that's like, you know what? Dinosaurs had a great run. They were the leading life form for like 150 million years, then they got knocked out by that meteor.

[7:39] Now, they're going to get knocked out by a volcano, maybe dinosaurs are just not sustainable. I hate to break it. They had their shot.

[7:46] But, who else says that, but testifying before the Senate for reasons I'm not quite sure of, Dr. Ian Malcolm. TV's Jeff Goldblum.

[7:55] It's because Jeff Goldblum wanted some money.

[7:59] They're like, who's an expert on dinosaurs? Get me a chaos theory mathematician. Nobody holds the respect of the deliberative body of the Senate better than a chaos theory mathematician.

[8:10] Tell us, how do we balance the budget without cutting entitlements? Well, all life is destined to end.

[8:18] All right, so Ian Malcolm has a kind of word soup gobbledygook about how we've messed with the natural order and change is like death and I don't know. He goes, change is like death. You don't know it until you're right there.

[8:30] It's like, well, we know what death is. It happens all the time, right? But I guess he means what happens afterwards.

[8:35] Okay, then we get into the real meat because Jeff Goldblum really functions as a bookend to the movie more than anything else.

[8:40] Where are we introduced to Bryce Dallas Howard, Claire, from the first movie? In the first movie, she was I don't know what. I didn't see it.

[8:47] She was like the operations manager basically of the park. I don't know. I don't have the tree of – the organizational tree in front of me.

[8:56] You don't have Jurassic World's org chart right there?

[8:58] Yeah.

[8:59] She and her two sidekicks, the sassy lady Dr. Zia and the very nerdy and irritating computer scientist Franklin, the two of whom I'm not sure why they're working for her.

[9:09] They are lobbying to save the dinosaurs, but the Senate says we're not going to do anything.

[9:12] Luckily, they get called into a last-ditch effort by Lockwood, whose first name I don't remember, played by James Cromwell in a wheelchair, the elderly former partner of John Hammond, the man who founded Jurassic Park.

[9:25] And Lockwood is like, John and I were always planning to create a nature refuge for these animals so humans could leave them alone.

[9:31] It's like, did you see the first movie, dude?

[9:33] Yeah.

[9:34] Like he wanted to monetize the shit out of those dinosaurs.

[9:36] Also, if you were his partner, why did he never mention you?

[9:38] Yeah.

[9:39] This is retconning to the level of like I kind of thought that they would put in scenes from the original Jurassic Park and then just put like James Cromwell over Richard Attenborough's shoulder and be like, hey.

[9:49] I'm here too.

[9:51] You see Hammond go, welcome to Jurassic Park, and John Cromwell goes, I welcome you too.

[9:57] Yeah.

[9:58] In this scene, we had to make James Cromwell.

[10:00] extra tall so we could step over the dinosaur's tail this is the one where

[10:05] James Cromwell shoots first yeah so anyway his assistant Mills who you can

[10:10] tell is a bad guy because right off the bat that's what he is he says hey we

[10:14] need you and Chris Pine no sorry Chris Pratt I keep getting a mix if only I

[10:19] keep getting mixed up because they're both handsome men one of them I am

[10:23] getting a little tired of and the other one I can never get enough of I'll let

[10:26] you decide which is which maybe the one I like has piercing frozen blue eyes but

[10:31] uh but uh so they have to they say they say Claire go with Chris Pratt back to

[10:38] the islands to catch blue the velociraptor that he trained from the

[10:42] first movie and they're like okay but first you need to know a little bit

[10:45] about this Raptor here's the most important thing to remember he's blue

[10:48] double-d double-di double-d double-di lives in a blue house drives blue car

[10:56] etc Claire seems to take this as like oh I have a plus two for this trip and

[11:00] brings Zia and Franklin with her and Chris Pratt Owen is at first he's not

[11:05] gonna go but then he goes we also learned that Lockwood has a

[11:08] granddaughter Maisie who's a real rascal so at the island our heroes get there

[11:12] and they meet Ken Wheatley at Levine the hunter of dinosaurs who's the head of

[11:16] the hunting poaching recapture operation he instantly rubs them the

[11:21] wrong way and the camera being rubbed you the wrong way the most trustworthy

[11:25] actor the guy who collects teeth for a necklace yeah and they in a in a

[11:32] shockingly a diminishing returns retread of the great moment from the first movie

[11:37] they see a big sauropod walk by and one of the people via who's never seen one

[11:41] is like oh has a moment of awe and everyone else is like seen it dinosaur

[11:45] let's move okay now guys did you feel like it for a moment recaptured the

[11:50] magic of the original Jurassic Park when we really it felt like we were seeing

[11:53] dinosaurs in front of us for the first time

[11:56] no this is not a hard question okay I'm asking you to tell me your personal

[12:00] feeling about something you saw today I mean it's a little different also

[12:04] between watching it like on the big screen and I was just a little boy then

[12:09] you know and now I'm a big boy and I was watching it on a computer screen I also

[12:14] didn't have like I mean I was not you Elliot I was not like a dinosaur I was

[12:20] not a dinosaur nut growing up and so I saw you're more more of a jock right

[12:24] yeah lacrosse no I I saw it and I was just like okay that's cool special

[12:34] effects I wasn't like oh my lifelong desire to see dinosaurs fully realized

[12:39] has come to pretty mean I remember when the local zoo in for win Indiana yeah

[12:45] yeah when the Children's Zoo had had this exhibit that was just a bunch of

[12:50] animatronic dinosaurs and I could never have been more excited about anything

[12:54] else in my life I'm sorry honey I know our wedding was really important but

[12:58] those animatronic dinosaurs we I spent so much time tracking down any place in

[13:05] the tri-state area that I could see animatronic dinosaurs all they did was

[13:07] move two different ways and roar I'd be like mom dad you gotta take me to see

[13:12] this yeah they're like well couldn't you just get into the Grateful Dead or

[13:16] something nope nope dinosaurs it is the only the only Grateful Dead you want to

[13:23] see are those dead dinosaurs yeah and I'm not grateful they're dead I wish

[13:26] they're still alive so they get to the island and they split up into teams

[13:29] Claire and Franklin are gonna Reese are gonna bring the systems back online for

[13:34] some reason I don't remember and this part Dan I think you mentioned that you

[13:37] heard it better me that that the batteries still work because they work

[13:40] off of body heat somehow yes they've got tracking batteries that work off of the

[13:44] energy of the dinosaurs this is not the strangest made-up science in the movie

[13:48] and meanwhile Owen and Zia go and they find blue she's still blue

[13:53] WDW dive and but she's wary at first but then she's about to reconnect with him

[13:58] when oh the hunters shoot her with a trank dart she flips out and attacks

[14:02] from the hunters and they shoot her with a pistol and Owen's like what and they

[14:05] trank Owen and then for some reason Zia picks up a pistol and says you need me

[14:09] to keep this dinosaur alive and then they hold her at gunpoint say okay then

[14:12] you're coming with us to keep the dinosaur alive and I'm like Zia why did

[14:14] you pick that gun up I don't understand what were you hoping to accomplish I

[14:17] don't know why are we gonna be I'm not Zia I've never been aren't you Zia Dan

[14:22] I've never been on Dinosaur Island in my life hmm story checks out so seems like

[14:31] these these bad guys are not on the up-and-up is what I'm saying the

[14:33] volcano starts a brewing and a blowing and Claire and Franklin get locked into

[14:37] the headquarters and Franklin yells out the immortal line why am I here which is

[14:41] a good question he adds nothing to the film meanwhile Chris Pratt is knocked

[14:46] out but he gets woken up when I think it's a centrosaurus it's a type of

[14:49] ceratopsian licks his face as if to say like hey buddy lava's coming better get

[14:54] up and there's a stream of hot lava inches from his body and he reacts much

[14:59] in the way you would if I don't know a hot bowl of popcorn was near you like

[15:03] doesn't seem to be that concern I think it was the movie Star Wars Revenge of

[15:09] the Sith when Anakin with his legs and arms shorn from his body lies just mere

[15:14] inches from the lava only to immediately burst into flame because it's super

[15:17] fucking hot to be that close to lava yeah but Chris Pratt's body unaffected

[15:21] you know why he's just that cool oh wow yeah but he's he's tranked I mean there

[15:27] is a reason why he's not react so the tranquilizer is keeping his clothes from

[15:31] bursting into flame no I guess clothes are so sleepy they're not flammable

[15:35] blows your blood down it makes sense it makes there's nothing more flammable

[15:39] than pajamas Dan what we wear when we sleep I'm not saying that the trank is

[15:45] somehow a lava dispelling force I was like you were saying you didn't react

[15:51] that much oh no no he drags himself behind a log which which for some reason

[15:55] that is the one thing I like definitely stops the lava to burn yeah he pulled

[16:01] himself behind that log that I always seem to find when I'm looking for good

[16:05] firewood I mean yeah if you're if you're asking me the top two things about wood

[16:09] I'd be like number one number one is you burn things with it what's the number

[16:12] two makes a nice house fair point keeps wolves from blowing it down yeah oh we

[16:19] know it doesn't he blows that one down all that those were technically sticks I

[16:22] don't think that's wood though right yeah but I mean you're just like

[16:27] stacking sticks on top of each other come on who lives like that unless they

[16:32] built a house out of the band sticks and the wolf is just blowing Dennis de young

[16:36] out of the way I was angry at that joke until you were able to pull one of the

[16:41] members of sticks out of your brain one of my dad's favorite bands yeah I think

[16:44] I know who's in sticks okay anyway I don't know who's in my dad's favorite

[16:49] band like does anyone does anyone know who's in the Manhattan transfer well it

[16:56] looks like you and your dad is something to talk about a Thanksgiving this year

[16:59] well Daniel let me tell you the legends of the Manhattan transfer so lava is

[17:06] pouring into the command room a I think it's a baryonyx where it may be a

[17:10] Troodon but it's pretty big that's a dinosaur it chases it runs in it's

[17:13] chasing them around around in circles Franklin who is a person of color is

[17:17] like I'm so scared and I was like should I be offended that the person of

[17:22] color is the cowardly person much like in old movies where the person color was

[17:26] always afraid of ghosts and didn't want to go into rooms and stuff or am I being

[17:29] too sensitive Dan Stu your people have lived that life I can't answer that I

[17:33] would go check the check the Internet okay I'll see what the Internet thinks

[17:36] the important thing is they escape but the mountain is collapsing causing a

[17:40] dinosaur stampede Owen has managed to run exactly to where they are one of

[17:45] many coincidences in the film and it's it's a shot that's like a clear call

[17:48] back to a Raiders of the Lost Ark yeah when he's running over that hill so much

[17:52] that I'm sure they're like I can't wait to show Steven this and he like looks up

[17:56] from his iPad briefly and then looks back down he's like yeah that's fine I

[17:59] bet Steven's like what yeah sure like like in your movie what movie the

[18:04] Indiana Jones movie Crystal Skull no thank you no Steven the other one young

[18:08] Indiana Jones Chronicles that was George's thing I don't know I wasn't

[18:11] involved in that Steven do you remember any of the movies you made yeah I did

[18:14] that one more time Hanks freeze the guy from Russia or whatever so in your

[18:19] version of events Steven Spielberg is an idiot no he is an older man with a rich

[18:24] body of work and I cannot expect him to remember every shot from every one of

[18:28] his movies okay maybe his ball caps on a little too

[18:31] tight and yeah like Steve was Steven you like that movie you made about the

[18:34] alien Crystal Skull yeah whatever I don't it's so they find one of those big

[18:39] plexiglass balls from the first movie that people ride around in and I assume

[18:43] a ram into dinosaurs and but then a Carnotaurus which is like a little t-rex

[18:48] with horns on his head he just starts yelling at him like get off my lawn and

[18:51] then that one of those centrosaurs is the ceratopsians comes over and they

[18:55] fight and then a t-rex comes over and beats up the set the Carnotosaurus and

[18:58] kills it and then just walks off and it's like why did you do that

[19:01] Tyrannosaurus it kills it just to do that pose again and then he uses but to

[19:07] like push the ball down he's like we had a great time see you guys later I mean

[19:11] the Tyrannosaurus is like when when it's like if when like someone like Vin

[19:16] Diesel shows up for a cameo role in a sequel to in like a Fast and Furious

[19:19] sequel before he's a big star and again it's like hey remember me wink and then

[19:23] walks off again I mean at this point the Tyrannosaurus his job is just to show up

[19:27] and eat another dinosaur before that dinosaur kills humans because it happened

[19:31] at the end of Jurassic Park but it also happened in Jurassic World and and it's

[19:35] like what what what what don't you like eating humans like I don't understand

[19:40] why you're stepping in at every moment he's the friend of all children I don't

[19:43] know I mean and in a way humans are the ones who are making the dinosaurs so why

[19:48] would you kill the human you're saying he knows what side of the bread is

[19:50] buttered because Tyrannosaurus rex is here's a secret love buttered bread

[19:55] they're like a bunch of mercy why it's really parents in the audience read the

[19:59] mercy

[20:00] I don't need the carbs, but all right. I'll be bad.

[20:04] I do need more lipids. So anyway, they're rolling in that. So Owen can't get into the

[20:10] ball in time, but Claire and Franklin, they roll off a cliff into water. Now the ball

[20:14] is filling with water. Now Owen looks like he's got the big, the good deal, because he's

[20:17] just swimming around. He manages to pry it open with a knife before they drown. And this

[20:21] whole thing where the ball is filling up is done as if it's one shot in one take. It's

[20:25] not because it's lots of computer stuff, but it's done as if you're seeing it happen in

[20:29] real time, which is kind of a neat idea, but it doesn't quite work.

[20:33] It's all right.

[20:33] It's all right. Anyway, the bad guys, meanwhile, are just caging the dinosaurs and putting

[20:38] them onto boats, because here's the thing Jurassic Park wants us to remember about dinosaurs.

[20:42] Dinosaurs are unstoppable killing machines until the plot needs them to be at the mercy

[20:46] of humans, in which case they become so docile that they can't do anything. There's a dinosaur

[20:51] who's had two ropes around his neck, and two guys are pulling it, and it's like, can't

[20:55] you get loose? And it's like, come on, dude. This is crazy. Your neck is stronger than

[21:01] 40 human beings or something like that.

[21:03] Anyway, Wheatley, meanwhile, the bad guy hunter, he's just walking around pulling teeth out

[21:07] of dinosaurs' mouths. Terrible. And as Dan said, we all assumed it was for DNA purposes,

[21:12] but later on he just goes, this will look good on my necklace.

[21:16] You can't-

[21:16] Which he says to a dinosaur.

[21:18] Yeah. And you can't fault a man for knowing how to accessorize. But it's like my mama

[21:25] always said, before you go out, look in the mirror, take one dinosaur tooth off your necklace.

[21:31] Probably that giant one that you had in the beginning of the movie.

[21:33] The Indominus rex one, yeah. Owen and Claire and Franklin, they steal a truck and manage

[21:37] to outrace the lava and jump off of the dock into the cargo ship. Nobody notices that they

[21:43] do this, even though everyone is watching out of the back of the ship as clouds engulf

[21:48] a sad sauropod as it bellows its last before it disappears into sulfur dust. Guys, it was

[21:54] pretty sad, right?

[21:55] Uh-huh. Well, I mean, you don't know that guy's life story.

[21:58] Yeah, I mean, that could be a bad sauropod.

[22:02] Maybe. Or maybe he was like, sweet relief.

[22:04] He could be evil like that old couple on Titanic that hold each other as the room fills up

[22:08] with water.

[22:09] Wait, so they're evil?

[22:10] Yeah, dude. You didn't know that?

[22:12] Oh, yeah. Did you miss, in the credits, they're listed as Hitler's parents.

[22:19] That iceberg's like, not so fast.

[22:25] For a better world, and then it smashes into the Titanic.

[22:30] We cut back to the mainland, Northern California, where in Lockwood's house, Toby Jones, who

[22:35] is apparently an agent, he works as a buyer for dinosaurs. He is a middleman.

[22:41] Toby Jones did a great performance.

[22:43] I mean, he's the most fun person in the movie, for sure.

[22:46] You say he works as a buyer for dinosaurs as if that was his job the whole time.

[22:49] That's what I assumed.

[22:50] No, no, I know. His whole life, he was waiting around for DNA technology to get to a certain

[22:56] point. He was like, oh, I've got to study being a buyer for dinosaurs, because someday

[23:00] this is going to be a job.

[23:01] I imagine he was sitting in his office, and he's just looking at his budget. He's been

[23:05] in the red. He's bankrupt. He owes so much money. He's about to pick up the phone and

[23:10] call the plant and say, guys, shut her down, when suddenly he sees on the TV, dinosaurs

[23:15] are escaping from Jurassic World.

[23:17] And he goes, hold the phone. And he calls home, and he goes, honey, we're having steak

[23:23] tonight.

[23:24] He's another side character in this movie where they clearly ask them what their actual

[23:30] accent is. They're like, oh, you're English? Well, you're doing an American accent. You're

[23:34] American? No, do a bad English accent. Toby Jones is like, how can I sound like I have

[23:39] five times as many teeth in my mouth?

[23:42] They're like, what accent is that? He's like, it's mine.

[23:47] So Toby Jones, he arranges for people. He's really an auctioneer, as it turns out. And

[23:52] they brought him there to auction off dinosaurs to rich people. And he's like, my clients

[23:56] won't wait. Mills, the assistant, is like, it's going to take another day. And he's like,

[24:00] my clients won't wait another day.

[24:02] It's like, how entitled are these rich people? They can't wait one more day to own a dinosaur.

[24:06] Like, what, are you going to take your business somewhere else?

[24:09] Yeah, they're going to be like, oh, it's taking too long. I guess I'm just going to own a

[24:13] Kubota dragon.

[24:14] If you don't think Nick Cage and Leo DiCaprio are just sitting waiting for the moment to

[24:19] bid on a dinosaur.

[24:21] So Mills goes, wait, wait, wait, don't go. We're selling the dinosaurs to raise money

[24:25] for a bigger project. And he takes him down to the evil laboratory in Lockwood's home

[24:30] basement where he says, we have combined the power of the Indominus Rex with the training

[24:37] of the raptor that Owen proved to make the Indoraptor, a super soldier dinosaur.

[24:44] And Maisie overhears them saying all this.

[24:46] Now, we'll get into later the issues with a super soldier dinosaur, because our heroes

[24:51] are too busy creeping around this cargo ship, never being noticed by anybody.

[24:55] She's wearing a baseball cap, man.

[24:58] Good point. And there's a point where this, and Stuart and Dan, I think, is as off-putting

[25:02] as I did, where Franklin is caught by another guy and he's like, hey, do you work here?

[25:05] Come help me with this thing.

[25:06] He's like, yeah, I guess anyone you never saw before who is just part of the crew and

[25:10] was, I guess, you didn't notice him anyway.

[25:12] I mean, more likely assumption than, like, stow away from Burning Island.

[25:18] Well, he doesn't look like a dinosaur. He's probably cool.

[25:20] Fair point. I mean, they do know that they left a bunch of other people to die on the

[25:24] island.

[25:24] Oh, they did?

[25:25] It's like, all that Wheatley has to be is like, here's pictures of four people we left

[25:29] on the island to die. If you see any of them on the ship, kill them on sight, I guess.

[25:33] Yeah. But you figured out how long that this trip was supposed to be?

[25:37] Oh, well, I'll get to that.

[25:38] Okay.

[25:38] Because first, uh-oh, Blue is losing blood fast. They've got to get a blood transfusion,

[25:43] but where are they going to get dinosaur blood?

[25:45] If you guessed from A Sleeping Tyrannosaurus Rex, you must have seen the movie already.

[25:51] They've got to get some blood from A Sleeping Tyrannosaurus Rex, then put it in the veins

[25:55] of this raptor, a sentence which sounds so much cooler than the scene as it appears in

[25:59] the movie.

[26:01] Now, guys, I'm not going to lie to you. If you said to me, there's a little bit of

[26:05] dinosurgery in this movie, I would have said, sign me up a thousand percent.

[26:08] Yeah.

[26:09] And yet, it's really more about the emotions between Chris Pratt and Blue. Because while

[26:14] they're doing that, Maisie has snuck into the laboratory and is watching Chris Pratt's

[26:18] old journal videos of training Blue, for which he also did two of the camera confessionals

[26:23] narrating what he's feeling.

[26:24] Yeah, yeah. I think it's, uh, yeah, the music is like Time of Your Life by Green Day or

[26:27] something.

[26:27] Yeah.

[26:29] I mean, like, reporting the, reporting the results is not so weird. What's weird is,

[26:33] like, someone went back and cut them in to, like, scenes of him, like, hanging out with

[26:38] the dinosaurs.

[26:38] Yeah, I mean, it looks like it's an episode of The Office or something.

[26:40] Yeah, or Modern Family. Like, oh, this is the Modern Family where they train dinosaurs.

[26:43] I mean, I was being pretty charitable at The Office. I mean, I guess Modern Family's a

[26:47] big hit, ain't it?

[26:48] It's a huge hit, because people love shows where a family is mean to each other for 20

[26:52] minutes, and at the end, they're like, oh, we love each other because we're a family.

[26:55] That's Modern Family, guys.

[26:57] I hate to break it to you. That family is very mean to each other. It's like, I watch

[27:01] it, and for a while, I was a big fan of it, and then I started being like, these people

[27:03] really argue and yell at each other a lot. Like, my family doesn't do that. Are we a

[27:07] pre-Modern Family? Or even a post-Modern Family? Because then what does family even mean?

[27:12] Elliot, I like to think of us as kind of a family, and there's a lot of meanness that

[27:16] goes on.

[27:17] Yeah, but we're like brothers.

[27:19] Oh, I see.

[27:20] You're not like my children. I wouldn't yell at you or make fun of you.

[27:23] In the words of Vincent Diesel, we're not friends.

[27:29] He said that in that Olive Garden commercial.

[27:33] Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was advertising takeout.

[27:36] It was called Too Fast, Two Breadsticks.

[27:39] Okay, guys. Also, there's a big reveal here where Maisie overhears Mills arguing with

[27:44] somebody, and it's B.D. Wong, the scientist from the other movies, and this is presented

[27:49] kind of as if we're supposed to be shocked that B.D. Wong's involved. It's like, I

[27:53] don't know. You brought back the rest of the cast. Why not? Go ahead. Sure.

[27:56] Claire wakes up, cuddled up next to Chris Pratt, but he doesn't notice, and she moves

[28:00] real quick, because they used to have a relationship.

[28:02] And there's a moment where Wheatley calls Zia a nasty woman, which I felt, I don't

[28:06] need politics injected into my dinosaur movie. Thank you very much.

[28:09] And the dinos are being taken to Lockwood's house in Northern California.

[28:13] And now, Dan, this is where I said, hold on a second.

[28:16] Where is Isla Nublar?

[28:18] It's off the coast of Costa Rica, the western coast, yes, the coast of Costa Rica.

[28:22] How long would it take a cargo trawler, a cargo trawler, a cargo ship, not a fishing

[28:26] boat, how long would it take a cargo ship to get from Costa Rica to Northern California?

[28:30] So I plugged it into my computer box phone, my mother box that I carry with me, and it

[28:34] would take- Eject into the Matrix?

[28:35] Eject into the mainframe, yeah, into the Matrix.

[28:37] I Johnny Mnemonic'd this, and I asked Lawnmower Man, hey, how long would it take a cargo ship

[28:43] to get from Costa Rica to, say, San Francisco?

[28:45] And it said, at a good clip, it would take six days.

[28:48] So are we to believe they have been sleeping for six days?

[28:51] Or did they spend six days starving, perhaps eating a dead dinosaur?

[28:56] I don't know.

[28:57] And then what, playing, like, Mother May I, or like-

[29:00] I think it would have been great if they had, like, some scenes in the mess hall where they

[29:03] had to pretend that they were, like, goons.

[29:07] Or dinosaurs.

[29:09] Like, dinosaurs hungry.

[29:10] Give me food, please.

[29:12] They're eating a goat.

[29:15] Yeah, they keep shoving-

[29:16] I mean, in some parts of San, that's not that crazy.

[29:18] Bryce Dallas Howard just unhinges her jaw as a goat.

[29:24] Now, that's a movie.

[29:25] Okay, the dinosaurs are taken to the basement in Lockwood's house.

[29:28] Lockwood, I don't think he's really aware that there's this entire sub-basement structure.

[29:32] No, there's a whole basement laboratory underneath, and we're supposed to believe that he's unaware

[29:37] of the evil scheme that is unfolding beneath him.

[29:40] They kept telling him there was, like, fault lines or something underneath the castle.

[29:43] Yeah, while they're building it.

[29:44] They're building it Better Call Saul style.

[29:46] They're making a secret-

[29:48] Spoiler alert.

[29:48] All right.

[29:49] Not for me.

[29:50] I don't watch that show.

[29:52] Anyway, I don't have the time.

[29:54] It's a good show.

[29:54] It's not like I'm saying it's a bad show.

[29:56] Lockwood is like, Mills, I don't like what you're doing, and Mills-

[30:00] Mothers him with a pillow to death.

[30:02] That's one way of quitting your job.

[30:05] Well, he says, I don't like what you're doing.

[30:08] Call the police and turn yourself in.

[30:10] He says, it'll go better for you if you tell the police the story.

[30:13] It's like, will it?

[30:15] But partly because one of his crimes is kidnapping, sure, of Zia.

[30:18] But the other crime is like, I guess, illegal transport of dinosaurs

[30:21] over a border without a license or something.

[30:24] And you know a judge is going to look through the law book

[30:27] and go, I'll allow it.

[30:28] And that dog can play basketball.

[30:34] That gave me a very coy look.

[30:35] It looked like Dan was going to say something.

[30:38] Now, our heroes jump into a truck and join the convoy.

[30:41] They finally get caught in a scene where Wheatley is, for some reason,

[30:43] strangely out of breath when he arrests them.

[30:46] Like, he just ran a mile to get to them.

[30:48] Yeah, I like to believe that Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard,

[30:51] the truck that they're driving, is the one

[30:53] that he was supposed to be driving.

[30:54] So he was just like, wait up, wait up, behind them for like five miles.

[30:58] Guys, here's my question.

[31:01] And all these rich buyers start showing up in limousines.

[31:04] Oh, and I'm sorry.

[31:05] I forgot to mention that Mills knows that Maisie has been sneaking around,

[31:08] locks her into a room.

[31:08] She escapes out a window after wasting a lot of time

[31:11] using a wire hanger to pick her door's lock,

[31:13] and then seeing there are armed guards in the hallway,

[31:15] and then going out the window.

[31:16] And it's like, movie, you could have just shown her going out the window.

[31:20] We didn't need that whole scene.

[31:22] The rich buyers start showing up.

[31:23] We've got pharmaceuticals guys, because who

[31:25] knows what wonder drugs are lying inside of a dinosaur's body?

[31:28] I'm guessing none.

[31:30] But who knows?

[31:31] Like, what special properties do they have?

[31:33] There's arms dealers.

[31:34] There's dictators.

[31:35] And here's my question.

[31:37] A lot of it, I assume, is you want to buy dinosaurs for the military.

[31:40] Well, we'll get to that, I guess.

[31:41] Because the important thing is, Maisie, she gets out of her room.

[31:44] She finds her grandpa, and she's like, grandpa, there's trouble.

[31:46] But he's dead.

[31:46] And she takes his mystery book that he's been holding the whole time.

[31:50] And meanwhile, in the dungeon, Owen uses a Pachycephalosaurus

[31:55] to smash through the wall of their cell, like the Kool-Aid Manasaurus.

[31:59] Pachycephalosaurus is the one that has a bone dome on its head,

[32:02] so it can headbutt everybody.

[32:03] It's the one everyone assumed was an herbivore.

[32:05] But as of this taping, they recently found

[32:07] a jaw that had sharp teeth on it.

[32:09] So maybe it was a carnivore or omnivore.

[32:10] Very exciting in Pachycephalosaurus.

[32:13] Are you trying to get some kind of diploma for a degree in paleontology

[32:17] here, dude?

[32:19] I just want to show him up on the recent science and discoveries.

[32:22] Dean comes in, and he's like, here, Elliot.

[32:24] You're an honorary graduate of Earlham for, I don't know,

[32:29] dinosaur stuff, I guess.

[32:31] And the diploma says dinosaur stuff, I guess, on it.

[32:35] I'll take it.

[32:37] So they get out, and that Pachycephalosaurus is like,

[32:40] let's say he was whistling to get it to come in.

[32:41] And the dinosaur's like, what?

[32:43] What did you want me for?

[32:44] What, you're done with me now that I helped you?

[32:46] What do I get?

[32:47] And then he sings that song, What Do I Get by the Buzzcocks.

[32:50] Great.

[32:51] Thanks.

[32:53] Contemporary reference.

[32:55] So meanwhile, the auction's going on.

[32:57] They're selling dinosaurs left and right.

[32:58] The room looks like the kind of place where Blade would show up and just

[33:01] start chopping dudes in half.

[33:03] Yeah, and there's like a runway catwalk that they slide cages of dinosaurs out to.

[33:08] Once again, like a Blade room.

[33:09] And Toby Jones is really, as I think, Seward, you mentioned,

[33:12] he's really struggling with that accent to pronounce those dinosaur names

[33:14] properly.

[33:15] Yeah, I feel like he had to make the decision between pronouncing the names

[33:18] properly or going with the accent.

[33:19] And he's like, I worked five days on this accent.

[33:23] I wish, and this scene I kind of like, because it's a crazy idea,

[33:26] but I wish that there was like a little kid who was tugging on his coat

[33:29] correcting him all the time.

[33:31] Because nobody knows dinosaur names like little kids.

[33:33] OK, finally, he says, let's take a break from the main auction.

[33:36] They've sold an Ankylosaurus.

[33:37] They've sold some other thing.

[33:38] I don't know, an Allosaurus.

[33:40] And he goes, OK, let's bring out something special.

[33:43] It's not for sale.

[33:44] It's a prototype, the Indoraptor.

[33:47] And they bring it out.

[33:48] It's the perfect predator.

[33:49] And here's how you use it.

[33:51] All you have to do is point a sniper rifle so the laser sight hits your target.

[33:55] Then you pull the trigger to create a loud noise, which triggers the Indoraptor

[33:58] to attack that target.

[33:59] And it's like, seems like it would be easier to just use a gun in that situation.

[34:04] If you didn't have someone in your scoops, use the gun.

[34:07] You've taken a very, it's like a guns bang would go off and alert everybody

[34:12] that there was an assassin.

[34:13] Sending a dinosaur is much stealthier.

[34:16] You don't understand.

[34:18] This warlord is impervious to bullets.

[34:20] His greatest weakness, dinosaurs.

[34:23] It's a little bit like a-

[34:24] Now guys, I have a moment to talk about-

[34:26] Stewart just got out of his chair.

[34:27] He's going to lay down some knowledge.

[34:28] He's going to go up on a ramp here.

[34:30] Now that we've created super dinosaurs, thank you for raising the house.

[34:34] What I don't understand is why it just ends up looking exactly like all the other

[34:38] dinosaurs in the movie, except a little hairier and a little more like it's got

[34:41] a cool racing stripe.

[34:43] I think this is the time when if you're going to make a dinosaur and make it

[34:47] super and cool, you got to give it wings, dude.

[34:49] Make it look like a dragon.

[34:51] Game of Thrones is so hot right now.

[34:54] Tap into that shit.

[34:56] Or give it like eight legs or something.

[34:58] Like make it crazy.

[34:59] Exactly.

[35:00] Like three heads.

[35:01] But they make it seem like this is the biggest military innovation possible.

[35:06] Where, you know, it's like the army does not go out and train a bunch of wolves

[35:11] to go out and kill things.

[35:12] No.

[35:13] People do very good at killing things.

[35:16] It reminds me a little bit, there's that scene in Star Wars where they're playing

[35:18] with lightsabers for the first time.

[35:20] And Obi-Wan's like, much, much better than a blaster.

[35:22] It's like, really?

[35:23] It doesn't seem so.

[35:25] Like you can kill some of the blaster from across a room.

[35:28] Lightsaber, you got to get real close to Ponda Bey before you can cut his arm off.

[35:32] So it's a dumb weapon.

[35:33] But the people in the crowd love it because of the novelty value.

[35:36] The bidding goes up to $28 million and they're like, please, please,

[35:39] this is just a prototype.

[35:41] But people want to buy it.

[35:42] So they do.

[35:43] Uh-oh.

[35:44] Things don't go so smoothly because Owen lets that Pachycephalosaurus

[35:48] loose in the room.

[35:48] It's just head-butting everybody.

[35:51] And then Owen comes in and he's like single-handedly kung-fu-ing all the

[35:54] security guards.

[35:56] Everybody runs out as I would.

[35:58] Well, that's not true.

[35:59] If a dinosaur was loose, it would be such a hard instinct to run out because I'd be

[36:02] like, I want to see this dinosaur.

[36:04] Maybe it will be friends.

[36:07] I mean, here's the thing.

[36:08] Maybe I'm just mad at Chris Pratt because he has achieved in this movie my

[36:11] goal my entire life, which was to be friends with a dinosaur.

[36:15] Would I choose a Velociraptor?

[36:17] Dan, would I?

[36:18] No.

[36:19] You're correct.

[36:20] I would not choose a Velociraptor.

[36:21] I'd choose Deinonychus, the cooler version of a Velociraptor.

[36:25] Now what upgrades does the Deinonychus have?

[36:29] Well, to be honest, the Velociraptors in the movies are much larger than the

[36:32] real-life Velociraptors.

[36:33] They're more the size of a Deinonychus.

[36:34] Deinonychus was the original sickle-cell raptor, which John Ostrom

[36:38] discovered and which revolutionized the way we look at dinosaurs.

[36:40] And it's super cool.

[36:41] It's got a sickle-cell toe, and it can just slash open a lot of dinosaurs.

[36:45] Wait, sickle-cell toe?

[36:46] Sorry, not sickle-cell toe.

[36:47] Yeah, it doesn't get malaria.

[36:49] No, sorry.

[36:50] It's got a sickle-blade toe, the original sickle-blade toe.

[36:53] And that's my other complaint, is the raptors never use their toes to do

[36:56] anything other than just tap on the ground and alert people that they're

[36:59] stalking them.

[36:59] Is that like being mad that Leonardo doesn't use his katanas that often?

[37:02] Because if he did, there'd be, like, blood everywhere.

[37:06] Yeah, basically.

[37:08] Got them, use them.

[37:09] That's what I say.

[37:10] So everyone runs out, and while everyone's gone, Wheatley walks in and

[37:14] tranks the endoraptor, and then opens its cage and get in to steal one of

[37:17] its teeth for his necklace.

[37:20] I mean, at that point, he's got a problem, guys.

[37:24] He should be seeing a doctor.

[37:26] No, his men should hold a Dinovention.

[37:30] Wheatley, you have a problem, and it's getting in the way of your work.

[37:32] Now, do you think it's, like, a rhino horn situation?

[37:34] Do you think this is an erectile dysfunction thing?

[37:36] He's, like, Dino-teeth.

[37:37] Oh, OK.

[37:38] You raise an interesting point.

[37:39] You grind them up.

[37:40] You raise an interesting point.

[37:41] You know, have them with a little soda water.

[37:43] Is that how they do it?

[37:44] I have no idea.

[37:45] They mix the rhino horn with soda water?

[37:47] I assume that you don't want to just put it in regular water.

[37:49] You want something that's got to cover up a little.

[37:53] So it's like, so you're saying that in, say, ancient traditional Chinese

[37:56] medicine.

[37:57] Yeah.

[37:58] You take that rhino horn, you grind it up, throw it in a soda stream.

[38:01] Yeah, that's right.

[38:02] Yep.

[38:03] And then you just fizz it on down.

[38:05] And next thing you know, lead in your pencil.

[38:07] Yeah.

[38:08] You're curing erectile dysfunction and a sour stomach at the same time.

[38:12] I mean, the real problem there is the sour stomach, I would think.

[38:14] You cure that, and the erectile dysfunction might go away on its own.

[38:18] You and I would lead very different lives, Elliot.

[38:23] I don't even know how to take that.

[38:26] Dan could fill an entire book with stories of sexual adventures where his

[38:30] stomach hurts the whole time.

[38:34] The night of the barbecue bash.

[38:37] I don't know if that means that your erectile dysfunction hurts your tummy

[38:41] or that you're so turned on by having a sour stomach that you can't help

[38:45] but get aroused.

[38:51] It's a thin line between pleasure and pain, Elliot.

[38:54] Okay.

[38:55] The Indoraptor is now on.

[38:56] Oh, and the Indoraptor has just been playing possum,

[39:00] and it actually smiles and then eats him.

[39:03] Like, its mouth just curls up a little bit, and I'm like, well, if you.

[39:06] Look, if you genetically modified a dinosaur to be able to smile,

[39:10] you have just given yourself a billion dollars.

[39:12] Like, don't sell it as military.

[39:14] Like, make a pet dinosaur that can smile.

[39:17] You will be king of the world, and not fake Leonardo DiCaprio

[39:20] just standing on a boat king of the world.

[39:22] Let me tell you, when he declared himself king of the world in that movie,

[39:24] I was like, where's your standing army?

[39:26] Where are your legions?

[39:28] Where are the people who are pledging to you?

[39:30] You're not a king of nothing.

[39:31] You're not a king of shit.

[39:33] Do you think at that point Rose is nervous because now he needs an heir?

[39:36] Yeah.

[39:38] Exactly.

[39:39] You've got to start producing, Rose.

[39:41] I don't even know you yet at this point in the movie.

[39:43] Okay.

[39:44] The Indoraptor is now on the loose, takes a moment to eat Toby Jones

[39:47] in an elevator, as we all would.

[39:50] We learn that Maisie is actually the clone of Lockwood's daughter,

[39:53] not his real granddaughter, in a plot thread that makes no,

[39:56] it's not really related to anything else in the movie.

[39:58] Yeah.

[40:00] It figures into her final decision in the film, but otherwise, it's just like,

[40:03] eh, let's just throw in a clone.

[40:06] This movie needs a little spice.

[40:07] The dinosaurs aren't enough.

[40:09] You need a little girl clone.

[40:11] Well, if they're like, they're like, hmm, I don't think people's imaginations will be

[40:13] sparked by dinosaurs.

[40:15] Let's throw in a little girl.

[40:17] Yeah.

[40:18] Let's make a little girl who is identical to a different girl.

[40:21] And it's like, yeah, dude, it was called Full House.

[40:23] We all saw it.

[40:25] And you know what Full House needed?

[40:27] Dinosaurs, also on ABC.

[40:29] I mean, the Beach Boys are kind of dinosaurs.

[40:34] You're right, good points.

[40:36] The dinosaurs of Full House, the Beach Boys.

[40:38] OK, singing, of course, my least favorite song.

[40:42] Kokomo.

[40:42] Hate it.

[40:43] OK, the Indoraptor starts chasing him around.

[40:46] Chase, chase, chase.

[40:47] BD Wong is packing up his labs.

[40:48] They can start over afresh somewhere else.

[40:50] And Franklin knocks him out so that Zia can escape.

[40:53] She lets Blue loose and the lab explodes because someone shot a gun and it hit a gas tank.

[40:57] And there is an amazing moment where Blue looks at the gas coming out of the tank,

[41:02] makes an expression, and then runs out of there just as it starts exploding.

[41:06] And it's like, hold on a minute.

[41:07] I know raptors are smart, but they understand combustible gases?

[41:12] I would see that sign and be like, flammable or inflammable is a bad one.

[41:16] I can't tell.

[41:17] But Blue already knows.

[41:19] Yeah, just the mere smell of gas is somehow instinct.

[41:24] You know, like, yeah, there's an instinct.

[41:25] Like, this is going to go south for me.

[41:28] It's just such a funny moment.

[41:29] And it's like, at that point, you're like, well, why can't Blue talk?

[41:31] Why can't, like, why don't you just show Blue reading a magazine?

[41:33] Come on.

[41:36] Our heroes, again, the Indoraptor is stalking them.

[41:38] And they evade it pretty easily for a while.

[41:40] But uh-oh, we're told there's hydrogen cyanide leaking into the dinosaur basement.

[41:46] And it's going to kill all the dinosaurs.

[41:47] I don't know what hydrogen cyanide is.

[41:49] I don't know why they have it.

[41:50] It's leaking in all of a sudden.

[41:52] The Indoraptor starts chasing after Maisie.

[41:54] The Indoraptor seems much more focused on Maisie.

[41:57] Do you think it's because it senses that she's a clone?

[41:59] Yeah, they have a psychic link.

[42:01] Like that little girl in Michael Myers and the later Michael Myers films.

[42:06] Halloween films, they're called.

[42:09] And the Indoraptor uses those techniques.

[42:11] Because rather than, like, running through the house,

[42:13] smashing every single wall with a painting on it,

[42:16] it climbs outside and through the window, which is nuts, man.

[42:19] Yeah, I don't know how it got there.

[42:21] But I mean, it also learns how to, and it opens a door.

[42:23] When we were watching this, this led L.A. to do a long song

[42:27] based on Raptor on the Roof.

[42:30] Would you like me to sing something now?

[42:33] A raptor on...

[42:34] Okay, thank you.

[42:37] I'll try to remember it.

[42:38] When I don't remember, I'll just make up.

[42:42] A raptor on the roof.

[42:44] Sounds crazy, no?

[42:47] But here in our little park of Jurassic,

[42:50] you might say each of us is a raptor on the roof.

[42:54] Simply trying to eat a little girl without breaking our neck.

[42:59] How do we keep our balance?

[43:01] That I can answer with one word.

[43:03] Genetics.

[43:05] Genetics.

[43:07] Genetics.

[43:11] Thank you.

[43:12] Oh, wait.

[43:12] I forgot there's another part, too.

[43:14] When you do that impression,

[43:16] it really drives home how close Tevye is to Dracula.

[43:19] Oh, okay.

[43:20] Anti-Semitic, yes.

[43:21] All right.

[43:23] Well, I was going to say Bane.

[43:24] He sounds a lot like Tom Hardy doing Bane.

[43:26] And they're all the same.

[43:27] Oh, a batch man on the roof.

[43:28] Well, I mean, Dracula, they sound similar.

[43:33] I was on Halloween night, I'll just tell you.

[43:34] I was doing a lot of Dracula voices.

[43:36] My son made me dress as a pirate, but I wanted to be a vampire.

[43:39] So I created the vampire pirate character of Captain Bloodbeard.

[43:42] And he would keep telling me to stop talking like a vampire.

[43:45] But at a certain point, it just became an old Yiddish man.

[43:49] But there was also the part about,

[43:50] who must know the way to make a proper clone?

[43:53] A quiet clone?

[43:54] A kosher clone?

[43:55] I gotta stop.

[43:57] Anyway, thank you.

[43:58] Just came up with that one, huh?

[43:59] The music of my people.

[44:01] Thank you.

[44:01] Okay, anyway.

[44:03] So this Indoraptor's chasing Maisie.

[44:06] It's running all around.

[44:07] Everyone else, things are exploding like crazy.

[44:09] Oh, no.

[44:10] Claire is trapped.

[44:11] She sends Owen off with a kiss to save Maisie.

[44:13] And then Owen tries to tranq the raptor, but it's too tough.

[44:16] But Blue saves them.

[44:17] But the Indoraptor keeps going.

[44:19] But Claire shows up and shoots it with a tranq gun.

[44:21] Doesn't work.

[44:22] Blue shows up and saves them.

[44:24] It all ends with Blue and the Indoraptor fighting on a greenhouse roof,

[44:27] as they always are.

[44:28] Indoraptor falls.

[44:29] And that one weakness that Indoraptors have,

[44:32] being impaled on a triceratops skull.

[44:36] Oh, well.

[44:36] That's when Blue gets to do a little success pose.

[44:40] A little T-Rex energy success pose.

[44:42] Yeah, a little roar.

[44:43] Yeah, it's weird how much each of the dinosaurs is waiting for their trophy moment.

[44:46] Yep.

[44:48] Claire, they go to the basement.

[44:50] She lets all the dinos free of their cages,

[44:51] which just means they're mingling together in a tighter room.

[44:54] So it's not a great plan.

[44:55] Yeah, because they're all about to get gassed, if you recall.

[44:58] The cyanide gas is all over the place.

[45:00] And I think, Stuart, it was you and I, I think,

[45:02] or maybe Dan and I, that had the same feeling,

[45:03] which was, how did they get those dinosaurs in the cages in the first place?

[45:06] They're huge.

[45:06] Yeah, they expanded so much.

[45:08] It was like somebody dropped the water on them.

[45:11] Oh, I had so many of those when I was a kid.

[45:14] And now they're saying to save them,

[45:16] we'll have to open the gates of the estate and just let them out into the world.

[45:20] And Claire can't do it because, honestly, they're dinosaurs.

[45:25] But then Maisie opens the gates and she says,

[45:28] I had to.

[45:29] They're alive, like me.

[45:32] Makes you think, doesn't it?

[45:33] Yeah.

[45:35] Makes you think.

[45:36] Makes you think that you should make these decisions to clothes.

[45:40] I've seen Blade Runner.

[45:42] Weird pro-life message, too, in the middle of this dino movie, I guess.

[45:46] I mean, they weren't unborn dinosaurs.

[45:48] I know Blade Runner, they're robots.

[45:50] It's not quite the same.

[45:50] They're what?

[45:51] They're robots in Blade Runner, right?

[45:53] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[45:53] One of the dinosaurs goes, I've seen things you can imagine.

[45:56] Other dinosaurs.

[45:58] I can imagine that.

[45:59] Oh, OK.

[46:01] What about, like, really big ferns?

[46:02] No, again, very imaginable.

[46:04] Yeah.

[46:05] I love that there's so many movies where they're like,

[46:08] it's unimaginable, the devastation.

[46:10] Somebody had to imagine it.

[46:11] It's in a movie.

[46:14] Somebody imagined it.

[46:15] OK.

[46:17] You wish you were in every single one of those serious scenes

[46:19] so you could undercut it with semantics.

[46:21] Yeah.

[46:22] Oh, I wish.

[46:24] There's so many movies.

[46:24] L.A. Caleb, the Well Actually guy.

[46:27] Yeah, like the famous romantic comedy, Well Actually.

[46:31] About a well that falls in love with an actually?

[46:34] It's not a great movie.

[46:38] The well falls in love with actual factual,

[46:39] the Professor Bear from the Berenstain Bears books.

[46:43] And he falls in love with it.

[46:44] It's a stirring love story.

[46:45] They, OK, so the dinosaurs are just stampeding out of the house.

[46:48] If you learn one thing about dinosaurs from this movie,

[46:50] it is, like, dinosaurs, much like Bruce Berenstain, were born to run.

[46:55] They love running.

[46:56] Mills, the bad guy, he almost escapes by hiding under a car.

[46:59] He's got the indominus tooth.

[47:00] The dinosaurs run by.

[47:02] Phew, he's safe.

[47:02] Uh-oh.

[47:03] Guys, there's one dinosaur.

[47:05] We didn't see it in that scene.

[47:06] A dinosaur that loves to come in at the last minute and kill the villain.

[47:09] That dinosaur's name?

[47:11] Lou?

[47:12] No.

[47:13] Oh, the T-Rex.

[47:16] Look, this movie has slid out of my brain already.

[47:19] We watched it literally this afternoon, right before.

[47:22] The T-Rex shows up, fucking chomps that dude down, does the pose.

[47:26] Does the pose.

[47:26] And then stomps on that fucking tooth.

[47:29] It's like, I don't care about Indo whatever.

[47:31] There's only one Rex around here, MF-er.

[47:34] Because the T-Rex doesn't swear.

[47:38] He's too cool for that.

[47:39] He's a family dinosaur.

[47:40] He's like, I don't go for that kind of cheap shock.

[47:42] I like to make people think in my comedy.

[47:45] That's what T-Rex says.

[47:47] But now, uh-oh, so everyone's saved.

[47:49] But dinosaurs are just roaming free all over the world.

[47:52] The dinosaurs that were already auctioned off and sold are on their way.

[47:55] Because even, like, they just slapped those things into trucks so fast

[47:59] before the auction was even over, I guess.

[48:02] And so there's just dinosaurs everywhere walking around.

[48:05] And Jeff Goldblum, who of course is the nation's premier dinosaur expert.

[48:08] Yeah, he's still testifying.

[48:10] He's testifying still.

[48:11] Yes, it's a several weeks long testification he's giving.

[48:15] Which kind of explains, it's so crazy how as soon as the country

[48:20] decided not to evacuate the dinosaurs, basically all news coverage of it stopped.

[48:24] Or else they would have noticed the, like, armed guys taking dinosaurs away.

[48:28] Yeah, but they notice it when the dinosaurs start showing up, I guess,

[48:32] like, in suburban backyards or whatever.

[48:33] I mean, it's basically the end of Lost Worlds, the second Jurassic Park movie.

[48:36] Like, was there a dinosaur in our backyard before?

[48:40] And they lost the chance to do all the bits where, like,

[48:43] a little kid sees one or a dog and is like, oh?

[48:46] And then where someone catches a glimpse of one at the corner of their eye as it walks by.

[48:49] Or someone just keeps turning away as the dinosaur walks by their windows.

[48:53] All those funny routines, you know?

[48:55] But there's dinosaurs all over the place.

[48:56] And Claire and Chris Pratt, whatever his name is.

[49:00] Owen.

[49:00] Owen and the little Maisie are driving off as if they're at the end of The Shining.

[49:05] And Maisie is also, I guess, their child now.

[49:08] It's like, there's no clone law.

[49:10] Finders keepers.

[49:13] And there's this big, like, there's like this apocalyptic

[49:15] end of a zombie movie vibe about the whole thing.

[49:18] And it's just like, movie, what do you want us to think about dinosaurs?

[49:21] Because right before this, you're like, let's let the dinosaurs roam the world.

[49:25] And now you're just like, oh, it's bad the dinosaurs are roaming the world.

[49:29] It's a complex film.

[49:30] As Jeff Goldblum says, the world has changed forever.

[49:33] And maybe humanity won't survive it.

[49:35] Welcome to Jurassic World.

[49:38] End of movie.

[49:39] Except for the post-credit scene where some pterodactyls are flying around.

[49:42] And for a minute, I thought they were landing on the Eiffel Tower.

[49:44] But it was just the Eiffel Tower in Vegas.

[49:45] And I'm like, well, I don't give a shit if they're in Vegas.

[49:49] Like, I thought they were, like, all over the world or something.

[49:52] I don't care what happens to Vegas.

[49:53] Like, come on, that's not impressive.

[49:54] They went all the way from Northern California to Vegas.

[49:56] Amazing reach.

[49:58] Getting tickets to see Britney and

[50:00] they just look at the present

[50:01] yeah dinosaurs again but i mean if the day if the dancers have been opened up a

[50:05] tourist guide like what we see uh...

[50:08] is that ventriloquist still doing his job

[50:11] but it's a lot of a residency as a yeah they're pretty good but

[50:15] i don't like knowing how the tricks are done

[50:17] thirty-four layers playing but i don't like the whimsy of the what happened the

[50:21] old-fashioned chorus girl shows

[50:24] they don't do those anymore

[50:25] yeah they're pretty old so they don't do it and they just don't see a general

[50:29] okay anyway she puts on a good show

[50:31] yeah she puts on a great show and uh... so

[50:33] here's the question the movie asks us with the question

[50:35] it leaves us the question

[50:37] can humanity

[50:38] survive

[50:40] dinosaurs

[50:41] and it's like

[50:42] yeah dude have you seen what we do to every other species that comes up

[50:45] against us

[50:46] like if there's it's the same reason it's stupid to have dino soldiers humans

[50:49] are the best at killing things

[50:51] like

[50:51] it's like how can humans stand up to dinosaurs i don't know we have bombs and

[50:55] tanks like

[50:56] it's not godzilla or it's a radioactive monster a thousand feet tall like

[51:00] and if you nuke it nothing happens it's like a big animal like just shoot it a

[51:04] bunch of times i don't know yeah i mean there was a dinosaur who got shot with a

[51:07] pistol and it became like a crazy life or death situation

[51:11] we got a million of those things

[51:13] it's like the smallest gun we have

[51:17] i kinda wanna see

[51:18] there's that scene in night of the living dead where it's the militia and it's those

[51:21] guys just walk around with their own guns just picking off zombies and in dawn of the

[51:24] dead they do it again

[51:25] and i kinda wanna see the movie where it's just a bunch of guys with guns just like

[51:28] yep dino's in town

[51:30] get up on me together. wait you wanna see a bunch of dinosaurs get shot?

[51:34] i thought you were a dino guy

[51:36] dino boy was the title. dino boy, i am technically a dino boy

[51:39] well maybe it's time to grow up ellie. you're right you're right

[51:42] or maybe the dinosaurs go back in time i don't know. oh cool okay i'm into it.

[51:46] like cowboys have to shoot them. there's that park where the guy has made all these

[51:49] statues of dinosaurs in the civil war

[51:52] i wanna see that happen for real. and he has this one statue, this one guy made all these

[51:56] there's this one statue where someone is milking a stegosaurus

[51:59] and it's like

[52:00] i don't think you know how that works

[52:04] alright we've been going on for a long time. this is a live show. we only have a limited amount of time

[52:07] in this space. we should get to

[52:09] final judgments whether this was a good bad movie a bad bad movie or a movie we kinda

[52:13] liked. ellie what do you have to say?

[52:15] look guys i like dinosaur movies in theory

[52:17] there were so many times during this movie where i was like if you told me

[52:20] when i was

[52:21] twelve or eleven

[52:22] you're gonna see a scene where inside a house

[52:25] two raptors, one of whom is giant, are fighting each other

[52:28] and you're gonna be like

[52:30] okay sure

[52:32] i would have slapped you in the face

[52:34] and i would have said never. maybe that says more about me that i'm so jaded now

[52:37] but it seemed like

[52:38] this movie was less about dinosaurs and more about we made a billion dollars

[52:41] with the last movie. we gotta figure out what this movie is about

[52:44] and they slam together like fifteen different dinosaur movie plots.

[52:48] the trailers are like

[52:49] they gotta save the dinosaurs from this volcano. that's like the first third of the movie

[52:52] and then the rest is like

[52:54] it's basically clue

[52:55] but with dinosaurs

[53:01] i mean if tim curry came in at the last minute and was just like let me solve this mystery

[53:05] it was dinosaurs

[53:08] i would love this film. so sadly i'm gonna say it was

[53:11] it was prehistorically snorifying

[53:14] uh... i

[53:16] you know i was on the very verge of kind of liking this movie just because i have a soft spot

[53:20] for big stupid blockbusters and it moved faster than the usual bad movie that we

[53:24] watched. yeah at two and a half hours or something

[53:27] it was 2.10

[53:28] uh... 2.10 to yuma

[53:33] some people take the 3.10. i like the 2.10 because it gets into yuma a little earlier. really? i like to take the midnight meat train

[53:38] it's a smelly train

[53:40] i'll give it a bad movie though

[53:44] uh... yeah i'll agree with you guys. it moved at a decent clip and i don't know

[53:47] whatever. dinosaurs.

[53:49] i mean we've seen worse movies. if you want to see a dinosaur movie. put it on the poster. i don't know, whatever dinosaurs.

[53:55] if your requirement for movies is dinosaurs

[53:58] chug this one down. it's got a ton of dinosaurs in it

[54:01] but those dinosaurs

[54:03] they don't have any meaning

[54:04] the first jurassic park

[54:05] it was the majesty and awe of these creatures we can never hope to see with our own eyes

[54:09] in real life. the second jurassic park

[54:11] was about seeing a tyrannosaurus rex walk by a video store

[54:15] the third jurassic park

[54:17] they've got a spinosaurus now. that's something.

[54:19] jurassic world? didn't see it. jurassic world fallen kingdom? it's like cha-ching dinosaurs

[54:29] going into a bullseye interview

[54:30] i know it's somebody who does amazing work

[54:33] but if it's an actual conversation i don't know where it's headed

[54:37] absolutely

[54:38] you're absolutely right. you said it actually better than i did so i have to think about what that means

[54:46] hey, this is the straight talk that you're going to get on this show

[54:49] bullseye. creators you know, creators you need to know

[54:52] find it at maximumfun.org

[54:54] or wherever you get podcasts

[55:01] dead pilots society brings you exclusive readings of comedy pilots that were

[55:04] never made featuring actors like patton oswalt

[55:07] so the vampire from the future

[55:09] sleeps in the dude's studio during the day

[55:11] and they hunt monsters at night. it's blade meets the odd couple

[55:17] adam scott and jane levy

[55:19] come on, cory

[55:20] she's too serious, too business-y. she doesn't know the hokey pokey

[55:24] well, she'll learn what it's all about

[55:28] busy phillips and dave keckner

[55:30] baby, this is family

[55:32] my uncle tell

[55:33] who showed his wiener to cinderella at disneyland is family

[55:37] do you want him staying with us? he did stay with us for three months

[55:41] and he was a delight

[55:44] a new pilot every month only on dead pilots society from maximum fun

[55:50] hello, hope you're enjoying this

[55:53] live episode. which one is it? i haven't chosen yet so i don't know

[55:58] hey guys

[55:59] uh... it's me, your old buddy dan. remember me?

[56:02] you just heard me a moment ago on stage

[56:06] aren't i a funny guy?

[56:08] probably not

[56:09] probably you're stewart fans, it's fine

[56:12] no worries, as long as we get those sweet clicks, i don't care. why am i talking?

[56:17] i don't know. it's because it's

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[57:23] hey you may have noticed in the middle of that

[57:25] reed

[57:26] you know i forgot what words were

[57:28] and you'd think that

[57:30] as a podcaster that's an important part of my job no i'm here to tell you

[57:34] that you can reach close to the the the tops of your field the heights

[57:40] the tops

[57:41] the heights

[57:42] you can get pretty far

[57:44] talking the way i do

[57:47] uh...

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[1:00:00] All the details are there. I just want to quickly say that there's still tickets

[1:00:06] available for a couple of our live shows coming up on September the 28th. We will

[1:00:11] be in Boston. There's an early show that is sold out. The late show at 945 still

[1:00:18] has tickets available and also further ahead in October the 12th the Flop House

[1:00:24] will be in LA. We've been there before but Stewart couldn't be there. Tickets

[1:00:29] are selling a little slow and I gotta say it's surprising because this is the

[1:00:33] first time all three of us will be in the City of Angels. If you want more

[1:00:40] details on these go to flophousepodcast.com slash events. There's links to buy

[1:00:46] tickets and all that you would need but now back to the show. We should move on.

[1:00:56] We don't have a ton of time but we should do our we do some question and

[1:01:00] answers at these live shows. We'll try and keep it relatively short but if

[1:01:06] people have questions then we've got microphones. I was told we have

[1:01:11] microphones out in the audience. Wireless mics. I don't know how this works. We

[1:01:17] should bring the house light. Dan I don't know how this works. McCoy. Well normally

[1:01:22] we've got a mic in the aisles and people just line up but in this case we're

[1:01:25] doing it a little differently. Well I'll take a minute then to give my little pre-question and

[1:01:29] answer talk which is one, thank you so much guys for being here. We really

[1:01:35] appreciate it. Thank you. And we know, thanks very much, we know that you're

[1:01:41] here because you like us and sometimes people come they want it they have a

[1:01:45] question and first they tell us how much they like us. We know you like us. Thank

[1:01:48] you. You don't have to worry about telling us that. Let's leave it unsaid. It's the

[1:01:51] sweeter things are unsaid sometimes. And here's what I like to think

[1:01:55] before I ever ask a question at Q&A. If I was not me and someone else asked this

[1:02:00] question, would I care? And if the answer is no, I do not ask that question. So you

[1:02:06] know if I want you to, I just try and make you the best question askers you

[1:02:09] can be because questions, how we learn things. And answers, it's what we learn.

[1:02:14] Okay. And learning is the name of the game. That's right. Because it's question

[1:02:21] time, because it's question time, and we'll answer questions for you. Maybe

[1:02:29] about dinosaurs, maybe about discount stores, maybe about lots of things that

[1:02:37] rhyme. I don't remember how the rest of Jurassic Park song goes. I don't have

[1:02:44] any idea. Dan, I guess he didn't want to hear me singing or he had to use the

[1:02:48] bathroom. Hey everyone, what's going on? Hi everybody. That was the cheapest way to get applause, just

[1:02:53] leaving and coming back. Hey, remember me? What an amazing magic trick. So I guess raise your

[1:03:02] hand if you want to. Oh, you got the microphone already. Nice Rocket Crocodile

[1:03:08] shirt. Awesome. Oh, this is a donor. Thank you.

[1:03:20] Thank you. Yeah, it's one of the best female rap duos in fictional, non-real

[1:03:26] history. Yeah. I mean, I'm a big fan of three-part harmonies. Oh yeah? You want to try one right now? No. I think, well, it's weird, because

[1:03:48] Elliot and Stuart share a lot of taste in music, and Elliot and I share a lot

[1:03:54] of taste in music, but I don't think that Stuart and I share a lot of taste in

[1:03:58] music. That's true, yeah. I mean, see, I'm just really into the sounds of Swedish

[1:04:03] pop princess Robin, and Dan can't handle her. Wait, hold on. If you love Robin, then

[1:04:09] maybe that's what we should be doing. Okay, we're gonna be a Robin. Yeah, we'll be a Robin, I guess. We're just gonna cover Robin songs. We'll just be Robin, yeah.

[1:04:16] We'll all get in a trench coat. I'll get on top of Dan's shoulders, Dan will get on Stuart's shoulders, and we'll be Robin.

[1:04:21] We'll just do weird dances that are kind of great, but you're like, is she a good dancer or a really bad dancer? You don't know. It's a thin line in dance between good and bad. Yeah. I guess that's the answer, Robin dance. I guess so, Robin, unless, is there a Devo already? I think there was a Devo. Okay, then never mind, we can't be Devo then, okay. You said was though, that means there's a Void. Oh yeah, okay, and Void's spelled backwards. It's not Devo, but it's close enough. Great

[1:04:50] question. Anyone else? Cool. Okay, so now we just need to narrow it down to all the

[1:04:56] Brian's in Fort Wayne. You know it. Probably. I mean, there's a certain, there's a certain things, times when I've noticed more, like there are things that my, I respond to in movies, because they're done well on a technical level, and I don't think are earned. Like when a song that I have an emotional connection to,

[1:05:26] is used as a background music for a scene, and it's edited really well, but the movie and the scene are not that good, I'm like, don't react to the song like this. This is not fair. You're borrowing from that, like there's a, this is not a movie, it's a TV show I guess, but there's an episode of Stranger Things that ends, and then Hazy Shade of Winter, the Bangles version starts playing, and I love that song, and it's like, Stranger Things, you are not as cool as this song. Like, that's not fair.

[1:05:48] Yeah, I mean, I remember, I remember growing up, at least when I was a teenager, and any time like, like a male character who lived a normal button-down life lost everything, and he had to go on a cool-ass rampage. I thought that was pretty cool, and now I'm like, fuck that fantasy. Like, hey, why don't you live up to your responsibilities, dude?

[1:06:11] Sometimes life isn't great. Deal with it. You got a lot going for you.

[1:06:15] And I'll have to go with nudity. When I, when I was in, when I was 13, for some reason, it really affected me a lot more than it does now.

[1:06:27] The maladies are like, seen it.

[1:06:29] Wake me up when there's a new body part.

[1:06:34] I guess there was a, there's something about movies, I'll just say this is, I used to be really into movies where there's like a super cool, tough guy who's real quiet, silent, but he's really good at killing people. You're Boba Fett and whatnot. And now I'm like, I don't like that anymore. Like, it's not cool to kill people.

[1:06:50] Like, that's not okay. Also, I realize that Boba Fett is the worst character in Star Wars, pretty much, since he's like, he's like, I'm really cool, I'm really cool, and then a blind guy knocks him into a pit with a stick.

[1:07:03] Yeah, I mean, it's all posturing, and it's, his strength is based on perceived strength.

[1:07:08] Yes.

[1:07:09] As soon as he stands, somebody stands up against him, he crumples like a bully.

[1:07:12] Yeah, he's just, call him Bully Fett.

[1:07:14] Next question. That was a good question.

[1:07:17] So, a couple, there we go, a couple of episodes of the Truth or Dare episode, Elliot kind of offhandedly mentioned the prospect of having to save his father from some sort of weird Truth or Dare ring.

[1:07:30] I want to know, like, what would be your pitches for you have to save your father from some weird father thing?

[1:07:36] It's kind of weird since my father's in the audience.

[1:07:40] And who would play your father in that movie?

[1:07:43] Who would play the father? I mean, for me, my dad would be played by Richard Dreyfuss, because they look almost identical.

[1:07:48] And when I was a kid, he looked, he, that's, what about Bob Arrow, Richard Dreyfuss, and my dad are almost identical?

[1:07:53] And, I mean, they've both aged since then, but if I had to save my dad from something, I mean, I'd like to save him from buying expensive bicycles, because that's kind of what he does.

[1:08:03] My dad.

[1:08:04] Spending all of my inheritance on his new kitchen.

[1:08:07] My dad, of course, would be being attacked by the members of his favorite band, Manhattan Transfer.

[1:08:12] And, Dan, who are the members of that band?

[1:08:14] Uh, there's, uh, Gary, okay, and Larry, and Perry, and Harry.

[1:08:23] And who would play your dad?

[1:08:25] Uh, I don't, that's a good question.

[1:08:27] Your dad strikes me as like a Frank Oz type.

[1:08:30] Frank Oz?

[1:08:31] Or like a Sam Waterson.

[1:08:32] I don't know, he's, he's aged very well. He's a dapper man. I'll say that about my dad.

[1:08:37] So.

[1:08:38] That's the only thing I'll say about him.

[1:08:39] The late Bill Hickey, I don't know.

[1:08:40] That may sound like I'm like, the one thing I'll say nice about my dad is he's aged well.

[1:08:46] He's a wonderful, wonderful person.

[1:08:49] My dad looks like me, but a little older, so I guess Kurt Russell.

[1:08:54] Now I'm scanning the crowd to see if I can.

[1:08:58] Where's Kurt Russell? Is he here?

[1:09:00] And, I don't know, I feel like it would be some kind of like fishing trip fiasco.

[1:09:05] That's a good title.

[1:09:07] I guess if it's like a Mickey Mouse.

[1:09:09] The Hardy Boys and the Fishing Trip Fiasco.

[1:09:11] Yeah, I mean, I think it writes itself, right?

[1:09:14] James Bond and Too Many Donkeys.

[1:09:17] Idris Elba is James Bond in Too Many Donkeys.

[1:09:20] What's the problem, man?

[1:09:22] Look around you, there's so many donkeys here.

[1:09:25] This is a callback to an earlier episode, so I apologize to anyone.

[1:09:27] That's such an explicit title, too, because normally they don't, the James Bond titles don't list the problem in the title.

[1:09:33] No, usually it is some crazy made up phrase that they have to shoehorn into a film.

[1:09:37] When they're like, uh, I guess the bad thing is called GoldenEye.

[1:09:41] For some reason.

[1:09:43] Okay, another question. Is there another one?

[1:09:46] Where's that microphone?

[1:09:47] Microphone's in the back.

[1:09:48] Yeah, one in the back.

[1:09:49] Oh, okay.

[1:09:50] Hello, I'm Monica, last name is Hell.

[1:09:52] In the spirit of the movie, if you could have raised a horror movie monster or creature from birth to trust you, what would it be?

[1:10:00] monster would that be?

[1:10:01] Oh, it's kind of hard not to have a Godzilla.

[1:10:05] I mean, you can, man. The world is your oyster. I don't understand why you're...

[1:10:11] The what?

[1:10:12] I said the world is your oyster. You can have...

[1:10:13] Like a giant oyster?

[1:10:14] All the baby Godzillas you want.

[1:10:15] Yeah, yeah. I mean, the problem with Godzilla is you got to feed it at a certain point.

[1:10:19] So maybe like a... I don't know. And maybe it could be like the end of Ginger Snaps 2

[1:10:25] when that girl essentially has a werewolf that she keeps as a pet.

[1:10:28] You want to raise a werewolf?

[1:10:30] No, because it's really a person most of the time.

[1:10:32] A werewolf is a human, like...

[1:10:34] A werewolf cub is just... It means having a little kid bitten by a werewolf. I don't like that.

[1:10:37] I was thinking the other day...

[1:10:39] So there's a man with two kids.

[1:10:41] Yeah.

[1:10:42] It's like, I don't want another one of these.

[1:10:43] No more. Well, I was thinking the other day, I was telling my wife about how horrible it would be

[1:10:47] if you had a baby vampire, because it's a baby forever.

[1:10:50] And it keeps you up all night, because that's the only time it's awake.

[1:10:56] And it sucks blood.

[1:10:58] So I guess don't let babies get bitten.

[1:11:01] Mamas, don't let your babies get bitten by vampires.

[1:11:06] What about you guys? What would you grow?

[1:11:07] I don't know. Probably like one of those blobs. Like a blob.

[1:11:11] Okay.

[1:11:13] You know, because they get real big.

[1:11:16] And if I ever have junk that I don't want anymore, just toss it in the fucking blob.

[1:11:19] Yeah, toss it in the blob.

[1:11:20] I don't want to finish this hot dog. Toss it in the blob.

[1:11:23] Wow. Not a good impression of me.

[1:11:28] Dan?

[1:11:29] I don't know. Maybe like a xenomorph.

[1:11:31] But xenomorphs grow up so fast these days.

[1:11:33] Oh, they do. Yeah.

[1:11:35] And their kisses can be deadly.

[1:11:37] And it's like causing trouble, and you're like, I carry you in my belly.

[1:11:42] For days.

[1:11:43] I'm dead, actually.

[1:11:44] I'm dead, Val.

[1:11:46] All right. Anyone else? Anyone else?

[1:11:49] Hi. Ben. Last name withheld.

[1:11:52] I assume your last name is Ten. Ben Ten.

[1:11:54] The hit cartoon show.

[1:11:56] So, great to be back on the show after being mentioned in somebody else's letter, not by name, four years ago.

[1:12:01] Hi. Great to be back.

[1:12:03] Wow.

[1:12:04] You're a great character.

[1:12:05] In high school, I got into really hard-to-access film.

[1:12:09] The artsier, the better.

[1:12:12] And I had to show, one time, a room of teens, Gus Van Zandt and Jerry, where people walk and don't talk.

[1:12:18] You had to show a group of teens, Jerry?

[1:12:20] Yeah.

[1:12:21] It was a condition of a curse.

[1:12:22] Were you cursed?

[1:12:23] Yeah.

[1:12:24] It felt important to me at the time as somebody who had put the time into watching the movie, so I needed them to do it, too.

[1:12:28] Okay.

[1:12:29] Have you had experiences, though, where you sat through a whole movie just knowing the whole room was hating it, and it was because of you showing them the movie?

[1:12:38] I mean, I used to host a screening series in Manhattan, so I had that experience many times.

[1:12:43] I once showed the movie, The Landlord, which is a great movie, Hal Ashby's The Landlord of Bowbridges, to a room full of people, and the tension in the room after it was over was so thick.

[1:12:52] I was like, wow, this movie did not go over well.

[1:12:55] It really made these people feel bad about kicking poor people out of the neighborhoods they live in now.

[1:12:59] I do a horror movie night in my apartment.

[1:13:05] Every October.

[1:13:06] I've done it for more than a decade now.

[1:13:08] What's the name of that month, Dan?

[1:13:09] What?

[1:13:10] It's called Shocktober, Dan.

[1:13:11] Oh, sorry.

[1:13:14] And one time I made the mistake of showing Brain Damage, which is a movie that I like but is very much a – you have to be a very hardcore horror fan for that because there is a scene.

[1:13:26] It has an evil worm creature, and there is a scene where the worm comes out of a man's fly, and a prostitute is giving the worm head, and things don't turn out so well.

[1:13:38] And they were going so well up until that point.

[1:13:42] And I was like, maybe I shouldn't have shown this to a crowd.

[1:13:45] Maybe this is not the thing that –

[1:13:47] It felt like you exposed a very personal part of your personality.

[1:13:50] It's not like a thing I want to be associated with necessarily.

[1:13:53] It's not like Your Holiness, Orphans.

[1:13:55] I'm sorry this is the movie I chose.

[1:13:57] I know how rare it is that I get to host one of these papal movie screenings for Orphans.

[1:14:01] I thought you guys were cool.

[1:14:04] I remember showing at a bar, not my current bar, but at a bar, I did a screening of Big Trouble in Old China.

[1:14:14] And the audience was a lot of younger people.

[1:14:17] No offense to any young people in the audience.

[1:14:19] But that's a movie where I think it's really fun, but if taken out of context, it seemed very racist and offensive.

[1:14:26] Even in context.

[1:14:28] Yeah, you're right.

[1:14:31] But yeah, it didn't go over well.

[1:14:33] And I was like, but I like this movie.

[1:14:36] Well, you've got to understand –

[1:14:37] Buy drinks for me, please.

[1:14:39] Is the mic somewhere?

[1:14:41] A hush fell over the crowd.

[1:14:42] A new question answered.

[1:14:44] Or answered.

[1:14:45] And was answered.

[1:14:47] I've lived in Indiana my entire life, which means Daylight Savings Time is still very, very exciting.

[1:14:53] We only adopted it 12 years ago.

[1:14:55] So is there anything I can do tonight to stop the time government from invading the city?

[1:15:02] Very good question.

[1:15:03] Yes, it is Daylight Savings Time tonight.

[1:15:05] Everyone's got to fall back.

[1:15:06] This was a question that we insisted somebody ask because we needed everybody to know that Daylight Savings Time happens tonight.

[1:15:13] The public service announcement.

[1:15:15] I think the most important thing to remember is just try to get through it.

[1:15:20] Just try to keep living your life.

[1:15:23] Because you're going to want it to be 9 o'clock and it's going to be 10 o'clock.

[1:15:28] And sometimes you've just got to put up with things.

[1:15:30] Life isn't fair sometimes, Dan.

[1:15:32] Dan, it's not your fault.

[1:15:34] It's not your fault.

[1:15:35] It's not your fault, Dan.

[1:15:39] And I think we just made a breakthrough.

[1:15:42] I think we can do two more questions and then we've got to get out of here.

[1:15:45] So is there a mic?

[1:15:47] Is there?

[1:15:48] All right.

[1:15:51] Okay.

[1:15:52] Fox Mary, kill.

[1:15:54] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[1:15:55] Okay, hold on.

[1:15:56] Don't say me, Dan and Elliot.

[1:16:00] Go on.

[1:16:01] Dan McBride from Nothing But Trouble.

[1:16:04] Wait, who from Nothing But Trouble?

[1:16:05] Dan Ackler.

[1:16:06] Oh, okay.

[1:16:07] The judge.

[1:16:08] Okay.

[1:16:10] So kill, yes.

[1:16:11] Oh, wait.

[1:16:12] Who was the middle one?

[1:16:13] The middle one was the tweegan.

[1:16:14] Oh, man.

[1:16:15] So Elliot, can you explain all these three things?

[1:16:16] Okay.

[1:16:17] So Nothing But Trouble is the worst film ever made.

[1:16:18] It's a Dan Aykroyd joint wherein a group of yuppies from the city go to a small town

[1:16:19] in Pennsylvania and an evil judge wants to feed them to a roller coaster that chews your

[1:16:20] skin off and spits your bones out.

[1:16:21] And also the digital undergrounder in one scene.

[1:16:22] It's very bad.

[1:16:23] So I would kill.

[1:16:24] I would kill.

[1:16:36] also the digital undergrounder in one scene.

[1:16:39] It's very bad, so I would kill Dan Aykroyd's judge character.

[1:16:42] Dex dogtective is of course the hero of Food Fight.

[1:16:45] He is a dog who is also Humphrey Bogart, who is voiced by Charlie Sheen.

[1:16:49] And he is solving the mystery of the missing food mascots.

[1:16:52] Him, I would of course have sex with.

[1:16:55] And the tweegans are lovable little imps that are hideous to look at, but really helpful

[1:17:00] to have around.

[1:17:01] So I would marry that tweegan, yeah.

[1:17:02] Yeah.

[1:17:03] And they also have access to a lot of gold, right?

[1:17:06] Yeah.

[1:17:07] And that's the mean you get financial security at that point.

[1:17:08] Yeah, yeah.

[1:17:09] And also, donuts are like vegetables to them.

[1:17:11] So that would help me in some way.

[1:17:15] This was the purest gibberish to most of the people listening.

[1:17:18] Yeah.

[1:17:19] I mean, we saw those movies and it was still pretty gibberish-y.

[1:17:22] Yeah, no, I agree with your assessment.

[1:17:26] You put it better than I could in a million years.

[1:17:28] I mean, thank you.

[1:17:29] If I could kill the movie Nothing But Trouble, so it like never existed, I'd be okay.

[1:17:35] I think we did advocate taking it out from Netflix and breaking the DVD and not returning

[1:17:41] it.

[1:17:42] Fair.

[1:17:43] A fair point, yeah.

[1:17:45] One last question, if it exists, if not.

[1:17:48] I'm Matthew.

[1:17:49] No.

[1:17:50] Dan, my wife is the one directing Much Ado About Nothing.

[1:17:53] Oh, no.

[1:17:54] She sets up yours too.

[1:17:55] Whoa.

[1:17:56] No.

[1:17:57] I assume that you've gone on a different night.

[1:18:00] Opening night.

[1:18:02] Yeah.

[1:18:03] Gotcha.

[1:18:05] That's good.

[1:18:06] Because of Jurassic World and the casting of Ted Levine, what actor do you pick that

[1:18:11] Hollywood should stop casting to play characters who will betray you shortly after?

[1:18:15] Oh, that's a good one.

[1:18:17] Oh, yeah.

[1:18:18] There's so many actors that have the stink of evil on them and you know instantly that

[1:18:22] they're going to be the one who does it.

[1:18:24] I mean, Ed Harris has a criminal cast about him.

[1:18:28] Or like Max von Sydow.

[1:18:31] If Max von Sydow shows up in the credits, you're like, there's a villain in the movie?

[1:18:36] Yeah.

[1:18:37] I think that James Woods is pretty unemployable now because of his political beliefs.

[1:18:41] But James Woods, if he shows up in the movie as the vice president, you're like, all right.

[1:18:48] Well, you've murdered someone.

[1:18:51] Yeah.

[1:18:52] Yeah.

[1:18:53] I think Peter Sarsgaard fits into that category too.

[1:18:55] It's like, oh, okay.

[1:18:56] This guy is thinking bad thoughts all the time.

[1:18:59] Maybe he's not the hero of this movie.

[1:19:01] Unless what?

[1:19:02] Shattered Glass, is he the hero of that?

[1:19:04] I think you're thinking of a different Sarsgaard?

[1:19:08] No, maybe I'm thinking of a different Sarsgaard.

[1:19:09] Maybe?

[1:19:10] I don't know.

[1:19:11] No, no.

[1:19:12] Not Stellan Sarsgaard.

[1:19:13] He's great.

[1:19:14] I don't know.

[1:19:15] He should be everyone's dad in every movie.

[1:19:16] There's like a Sarsgaard.

[1:19:17] There's a Sarsgaard.

[1:19:18] There's Scottsgaard.

[1:19:19] And there's Reichardt.

[1:19:20] Yeah.

[1:19:21] I think, here's the thing.

[1:19:23] If a character's played a villain in a movie, we're all going to assume they're playing

[1:19:26] a villain again.

[1:19:27] It's unfair.

[1:19:28] But it's what's going to happen.

[1:19:30] I don't control it.

[1:19:31] Unless, who's someone who's played a villain and then played a hero and it's like, yeah,

[1:19:34] you're a hero now.

[1:19:35] I mean, other than William Powell, who, of course, in the silent era often played villains,

[1:19:39] but is best known today as either My Man Godfrey or Nick Charles, the two greatest heroes in

[1:19:43] the history of cinema.

[1:19:44] I feel like you deserve extra credit for answering your own questions.

[1:19:49] I would be the worst professor.

[1:19:51] Because I'd be one of those ones who's like, and what is the chemical makeup of riboflavin?

[1:19:57] Yes, of course, R279.

[1:20:00] whatever I mean I wouldn't be I would be the worst professor of chemistry because

[1:20:03] I don't know anything about it

[1:20:06] I mean that is kind of what professors do they do give the answers while they're

[1:20:11] lecturing I mean they they don't they're not like and I'm keeping that a secret

[1:20:15] that's for me to know and you to find out whoo-hoo you disappear as if someone

[1:20:25] has said your name backwards all right well we brought it back around to

[1:20:29] college that means we should wrap things up thank you thank you to Earlham

[1:20:34] for having us thank you to the audience for coming thank you to college thank

[1:20:41] you for everybody here we're making this a great visit yeah there's been super

[1:20:45] exciting for me and I think Dan yeah probably Elliot to get to come to Earlham

[1:20:50] and do a show it's exciting for me to see where it all started where Dan met

[1:20:53] Stewart mm-hmm and I noticed there was no plaque on the building where it

[1:20:57] happened all right guys thank you so much I've been Dan McCoy I'm Stuart

[1:21:02] Wellington I'm Elliot Kaelin you don't know me I'm not from here good I thank

[1:21:07] you

[1:21:21] that riff was approximately as successful as Earlham's football team

[1:21:27] but they just won our game all right we're not recording this part like they

[1:21:36] can see us do it okay when I say it later you guys got a totally crack up

[1:21:42] yeah maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported

Ep.# 291 - Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom LIVE

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