Ep.# 291 - Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom LIVE

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode of the podcast, we discuss Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom, live from Earlham College!

Stuart Wellington

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Dan McCoy

[0:41] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:42] And I'm Elliot Kalin. And we are...

Dan McCoy

[0:45] The Flophouse?

[0:47] Yep.

[0:49] Alright, we don't normally do it that way, but that's fine.

Elliott Kalan

[0:52] Now guys, we're doing this from a special occasion that might be a little bit of a surprise to anyone who didn't listen to the opening.

[0:57] Alright.

[0:59] Yeah, go on.

[1:00] We're at Earlham College in Richmond, Indiana, where Dan and Stuart first met as wee lads.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05] Uh-huh. We were two tiny little guys.

[1:08] Yeah.

[1:09] Dan was two years less tiny.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12] Now, I believe the story is that, Dan, you were the president of the nerd frat, and Stuart, you were the president of the, like, party frat.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19] Uh-huh.

[1:19] Well, I wasn't the president so much as, like, the guy that kept chained in the basement and pulled out only for special events.

Dan McCoy

[1:27] There are no Greek houses on this campus, but...

Stuart Wellington

[1:30] There's no freak houses?

Dan McCoy

[1:33] There were definitely some freak houses.

[1:35] That was cool.

[1:37] Yeah, so we'll stop doing Earlham-specific chatter, and we'll get into what we actually do on this podcast, which is...

Elliott Kalan

[1:44] Dan is all business when he's at Earlham.

[1:46] He wants to look professional in front of his former college student colleague.

[1:52] And I have to assume...

[1:53] Are they in the audience?

[1:53] I don't understand.

[1:54] Well, I have to assume the crusty dean that was always mad at you is in the audience.

Stuart Wellington

[1:57] Well, and I feel like Dan's wardrobe has been auditioning for, like, a college professor job for a long time.

[2:04] Yeah, judging by your wardrobe, Dan, I think you work here.

[2:08] Yeah.

[2:09] Every time you look in the mirror, you're like, that's a wonder boy.

Dan McCoy

[2:15] For the listener at home, I have a cardigan and a tie.

[2:18] A cardigan and a tie.

Elliott Kalan

[2:21] So, Dan, what do we do on this podcast other than make fun of you?

Dan McCoy

[2:25] No, that's it.

[2:28] We watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it.

[2:29] And in this case, we watched, as we said in the intro, Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom.

Elliott Kalan

[2:33] The sequel to Jurassic World.

[2:35] The kingdom's doing okay.

[2:38] And, of course, there was the prequel, Jurassic World, building a kingdom.

[2:42] Do we just dive into this movie?

[2:44] I guess not.

[2:47] We haven't seen the first one, though, right?

[2:48] I saw it.

[2:49] Neither of us saw the original Jurassic World, which I know.

[2:53] As a dinosaur boy, that's an issue.

[2:55] And I wish I had seen it.

Stuart Wellington

[2:57] Is that how you identify Elliot?

[2:58] As a dinosaur boy?

[2:59] Yeah.

[2:59] Elliot's a dinosaur boy.

[3:01] I'm a Tarzan boy.

[3:02] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[3:03] I mean, I don't like labels, but on the spectrum, I guess that's where I fall.

[3:06] All right.

[3:08] I have dinosaur boy tendencies.

[3:10] Okay.

[3:11] Now, Jurassic World, no, Jurassic Park, of course, as regular listeners would know, was a very important movie to me.

[3:17] How I date all human history is that 1993, for me, is the year one JP.

[3:23] And every year before that is dated as BJP, Jurassic Park.

[3:27] And every year after that is AJP, after Jurassic Park.

[3:29] So you'd think I would have gone to see Jurassic World, but for some reason, it just didn't seem to have the same magic.

Dan McCoy

[3:34] Let's see if Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom captures that magic.

Elliott Kalan

[3:37] That magic being a questionable grasp of how DNA works.

[3:43] We begin at Isla Nublar, site of the doomed Jurassic Park and then also doomed Jurassic World theme parks.

[3:51] I guess that's why I couldn't see Jurassic World.

[3:53] The first one is it was so dumb to me.

[3:54] But they were like, hey, remember that theme park that never opened because everyone got eaten?

[3:59] Let's open it.

[4:01] And we'll put it in the same place.

[4:04] So, Brent Isla Nublar, they're two guys, just regular working Joes, who are inside a submersible bathysphere.

[4:10] So I know what you're thinking.

[4:11] As Stuart said while we're watching it, James Cameron is involved.

[4:14] Guy loves undersea exploration.

[4:16] And they are looking at an underwater site where they find the skeleton of Dominus Rex, the super dinosaur from the last movie.

[4:23] And they take its tooth in a scene that involves a CGI saw cutting into a CGI tooth.

Stuart Wellington

[4:29] Did that really bother you?

Elliott Kalan

[4:31] Yeah, I just thought it was like, I think it was all CGI.

Stuart Wellington

[4:33] You're like, saws and teeth both exist.

Dan McCoy

[4:35] Now, later on in the movie, we learned that the tooth collection part of the film is not for DNA purposes, but the guy who's in charge of the mission wants to make a tooth necklace.

[4:47] And I don't understand how this giant tooth is going to figure into that.

[4:51] As the centerpiece?

Stuart Wellington

[4:53] Well, you're talking about the star of Monk, Ted Levine, of course, who plays an evil guy who likes to collect body parts, which he has done in the past in other movies like Silence of the Lambs.

Elliott Kalan

[5:04] So you're saying it fits the character, it fits the action more than the movie.

[5:06] It was part of his contract.

[5:07] Yeah, I'll do the movie, but I have to collect some kind of body part in it.

[5:11] I have to throw, I have to tell a dinosaur to put lotion on at some point.

[5:15] Okay, but we're not there yet.

[5:17] They take this, and then instantly, the idiot who is monitoring them almost gets eaten by a T-Rex, and then when he escapes, gets eaten by a super mosasaur that leaps out of the ocean and just bites him off a dangling helicopter ladder.

[5:29] Guys, it should be thrilling.

[5:32] Yeah.

[5:33] But for some reason, it wasn't quite.

[5:35] This is also the first of many things where the transverse rex does something and then roars immediately afterwards, and it seems to have done the thing just so it could earn a roar moment.

[5:44] Yeah.

[5:45] Like, this is a very grandstanding, very dramatic dinosaur.

Dan McCoy

[5:48] Yeah, this is the T-Rex version of dabbing, which is a callback to something that happened before the show started.

Elliott Kalan

[5:56] What is this, Letterman?

[5:57] Come on, why are we calling back things that happened before the show started?

[5:59] Letterman used to do that a lot.

[6:00] Anyway, okay, forget it.

[6:02] Oh, boy.

[6:03] Cut to BBC World News.

[6:05] I was like, hold on a second.

[6:06] Did I change the channel?

[6:07] No, because they're reporting on Jurassic Park.

[6:09] There's an active volcano on Isla Nublar that's expected to kill all the leftover dinosaurs from Jurassic World theme park.

[6:15] This has so angered animal rights activists that the Senate actually calls a special session in to see if they're going to deal with it, which is crazy.

[6:24] Like, the Senate will not call in a special session if Americans are killed.

[6:29] A volcano is going to kill some dinosaurs, an already extinct form of life, and they're going to, like, the thing that they missed out is we don't get to see, like, a really rowdy, root and tootin Texas senator be like,

[6:39] I'm not going to spend American tax dollars bringing these jino lizards back to America.

[6:45] Which is what I wanted to see.

Dan McCoy

[6:47] I imagine, actually, the Texan being like, they're eventually going to turn into oil, so we've got to save these dinosaurs.

Stuart Wellington

[6:54] Yippee!

[6:55] Woo-hoo!

[6:55] Ha-ha!

[6:56] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[6:58] Yeah, and this is the first, this sets up the major conflict in the movie, which is, we'll talk about it more as the movie goes on, the description goes on, I'm sure,

[7:06] but, like, the movie doesn't seem to know what we're supposed to make of dinosaurs, whether they're good or bad.

[7:13] Like, the movie's like, we've got to save these creatures before they get extinct, but then the movie also wants to have the thrills of having dinosaurs relentlessly killing humans.

[7:21] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[7:22] But they mainly kill bad guys.

Elliott Kalan

[7:24] Yeah, because dinosaurs have an inherent moral sense.

[7:27] Mm-hmm.

[7:28] It is true.

[7:28] There's the part of me that's like, you know what?

[7:31] Dinosaurs had a great run.

[7:32] They were the leading life form for, like, 150 million years.

[7:37] Then they got knocked out by that meteor.

[7:39] Now, they're going to get knocked out by a volcano.

Dan McCoy

[7:41] Maybe dinosaurs are just not sustainable.

Elliott Kalan

[7:43] I hate to break it.

[7:44] They had their shot.

[7:46] But who else says that but testifying before the Senate for reasons I'm not quite sure of, Dr. Ian Malcolm.

[7:53] Uh, Elliot?

Stuart Wellington

[7:53] TV's Jeff Goldblum.

[7:55] It's because Jeff Goldblum wanted some money.

Elliott Kalan

[7:57] Yeah, I guess so.

[7:58] But it's so, they're like, we need to, who's an expert on dinosaurs?

[8:01] Get me a chaos theory mathematician.

[8:04] Nobody holds the respect of the deliberative body of the Senate better than a chaos theory mathematician.

S4

[8:10] Tell us, how do we balance the budget without cutting entitlements?

Elliott Kalan

[8:15] Well, all life is destined to end.

[8:18] All right.

[8:18] So, Ian Malcolm has a kind of word soup gobbledygook about how we've messed with the natural order and change is like death and I don't know.

[8:27] He goes, change is like death.

[8:28] You don't know it until you're right there.

[8:30] It's like, well, we know what death is.

[8:31] It happens all the time.

[8:33] But I guess he means what happens afterwards.

[8:35] Okay, then we get into the real meat.

[8:37] Because Jeff Goldblum really functions as a bookend to the movie more than anything else.

[8:40] Where we're reintroduced to Bryce Dallas Howard, Claire, from the first movie.

[8:44] In the first movie, she was I don't know what.

[8:46] I didn't see it.

Dan McCoy

[8:46] She was like the operations manager, basically, of the park.

[8:51] I don't know.

[8:51] Like, I don't have the tree of, the organizational tree in front of me.

[8:55] You don't have Jurassic World's org chart right there?

Elliott Kalan

[8:58] She and her two sidekicks, the sassy lady, Dr. Zia, and the very nerdy and irritating computer scientist, Franklin,

[9:05] the two of whom I'm not sure why they're working for her, they are lobbying to save the dinosaurs.

[9:10] But the Senate says we're not going to do anything.

[9:12] Luckily.

[9:13] They get called into a last ditch effort by Lockwood, whose name I don't, first name I don't remember.

[9:19] Played by James Cromwell in a wheelchair.

[9:21] The elderly former partner of John Hammond, the man who founded Jurassic Park.

[9:25] And Lockwood is like, John and I were always planning to create a nature refuge for these animals so humans could leave him alone.

[9:31] And it's like, did you see the first movie, dude?

[9:33] Yeah.

[9:33] Like, he wanted to monetize the shit out of those dinosaurs.

[9:36] Also, if you were his partner, why did he never mention you?

[9:38] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[9:39] This is retconning to the level of, like, I kind of thought that they would put in scenes with the original Jurassic Park and then just put, like, James Cromwell over Richard Adler's show.

[9:47] And they're going, hey!

Elliott Kalan

[9:50] I'm here, too!

[9:51] You see him and go, welcome to Jurassic Park.

[9:55] And John Cromwell goes, I welcome you, too!

[9:56] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[9:57] In this scene, we had to make James Cromwell extra tall so he could step over the dinosaur's tail.

[10:03] Yep.

[10:04] This is the one where James Cromwell shoots first.

[10:06] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[10:07] So, anyway, his assistant, Mills, who you can tell is a bad guy because right off the bat, that's what he is.

[10:13] He says, hey, we need you and Chris Pine.

[10:16] No, sorry, Chris Pratt.

[10:17] I keep getting them mixed up.

[10:18] If only.

[10:19] I keep getting them mixed up because they're both handsome men.

[10:22] One of them I am getting a little tired of and the other one I can never get enough of.

[10:26] I'll let you decide which is which.

[10:28] Maybe the one I like has piercing frozen blue eyes.

[10:31] But, uh, so, they have to, they say, they say, Claire, go with Chris Pratt back to the islands to catch Blue, the velociraptor that he trained from the first movie.

[10:42] And they're like, okay, first, you need to know a little bit about this raptor.

[10:46] Here's the most important thing to remember.

S4

[10:48] He's blue.

[10:49] Dab-o-dee, dab-o-dai.

Elliott Kalan

[10:50] No.

[10:53] No.

[10:54] Lives in a blue house, drives a blue car, et cetera.

[10:57] Claire seems to take this as like, oh, I have a plus two for this trip and brings Zia and Franklin with her.

[11:02] And Chris Pratt, Owen, is, at first he's not going to go, but then he goes.

[11:06] We also learn that Lockwood has a granddaughter, Maisie, who's a real rascal.

[11:10] So, at the island, our heroes get there and they meet Ken Wheatley, Ted Levine, the hunter of dinosaurs, who's the head of the hunting, poaching, recapture operation.

[11:19] He instantly rubs them the wrong way.

[11:22] And the characters...

Dan McCoy

[11:22] Ted Levine rubs you the wrong way?

[11:24] The most trustworthy actor?

Elliott Kalan

[11:27] The guy who collects teeth for a necklace?

[11:29] Yeah.

[11:30] And they, in a shockingly diminishing returns retread of the great moment from the first movie, they see a big sauropod walk by and one of the people, Zia, who's never seen one, is like, oh, has a moment of awe.

Dan McCoy

[11:43] And everyone else is like, seen it, dinosaur, let's move, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[11:48] Now, guys, did you feel like it, for a moment, recaptured the magic of the original Jurassic Park when we really, it felt like we were seeing dinosaurs in front of us for the first time?

Dan McCoy

[11:57] No.

Elliott Kalan

[11:57] This is not a hard question.

[11:59] Okay.

[11:59] I'm asking you to tell me your personal feeling about something you saw today.

Stuart Wellington

[12:03] I mean, it's a little different also between watching it, like, on the big screen and I was just a little boy then, you know?

[12:09] And now I'm a big boy and I was watching it on a computer screen.

Dan McCoy

[12:13] I also didn't have, like, I mean, I was not you, Elliot.

[12:16] I was not, like, a dinosaur.

[12:17] What?

[12:18] I was not a dinosaur nut growing up and so I saw Jurassic Park.

[12:23] You're more of a jock, right?

[12:25] Yeah.

[12:27] Lacrosse.

[12:29] No.

[12:30] I saw it and I was just like, okay, that's cool.

[12:34] Special effects.

[12:35] I wasn't like, oh, my lifelong desire to see dinosaurs fully realized has come to fruition.

Stuart Wellington

[12:40] I mean, I remember when the local zoo in Fort Wayne, Indiana, heck yeah, heck yeah, when the children's zoo

[12:47] had this exhibit that was just a bunch of animatronic dinosaurs and I could never have been more excited about anything else in my life.

[12:55] I, I, I.

[12:56] Sorry, honey.

[12:56] I know our wedding was really important, but those animatronic dinosaurs.

[13:00] We.

Elliott Kalan

[13:01] I spent so much time tracking down any place in the tri-state area that I could see animatronic dinosaurs.

[13:07] All they did was move two different ways and roar.

[13:09] I'd be like, mom, dad, you gotta take me to see this.

[13:12] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[13:14] And they're like, well, couldn't you just get into the Grateful Dead or something?

Elliott Kalan

[13:19] Nope, nope, dinosaurs it is.

Stuart Wellington

[13:21] The only, only Grateful Dead you want to see are those dead dinosaurs.

[13:24] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[13:24] And I'm not grateful they're dead.

[13:26] I wish they were still alive.

[13:27] So, they get to the island and they split up into teams.

[13:30] Blair and Franklin are going to re, are going to bring the systems back online for some reason.

[13:35] I don't remember.

[13:35] And this part, Dan, I think you mentioned it.

[13:37] You heard it better than me that, that the batteries still work because they work off of body heat somehow?

[13:41] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[13:42] They've got tracking batteries that work off of the energy of the dinosaurs.

Elliott Kalan

[13:46] This is not the strangest made-up science in the movie.

[13:49] And meanwhile, Owen and Zia go and they find Blue.

[13:53] He's still Blue.

[13:54] Double-dee-double-dee.

[13:55] But she's wary at first, but then she's about to reconnect with him when, uh-oh, the hunters shoot her with a trank dart.

[14:01] She flips out and attacks from the hunters and they shoot her with a pistol.

[14:04] And Owen's like, what?

[14:05] And they trank Owen.

[14:06] And then for some reason, Zia picks up a pistol and says, you need me to keep this dinosaur alive.

[14:10] And then they hold her at gunpoint and say, okay, then you're coming with us to keep the dinosaur alive.

[14:14] And I'm like, Zia, why did you pick that gun up?

[14:15] I don't understand.

[14:16] What were you hoping to accomplish?

Dan McCoy

[14:19] Why are you looking at me?

[14:19] I'm not Zia.

[14:21] I've never been in there.

[14:21] Aren't you Zia, Dan?

[14:23] I've never been on Dinosaur Island in my life.

[14:26] Hmm.

[14:27] Story checks out.

Elliott Kalan

[14:29] So, seems like these bad guys are not on the up and up, is what I'm saying.

[14:33] The volcano starts a-brewin' and a-blown' and Claire and Franklin get locked into the headquarters.

[14:38] And Franklin yells out the immortal line,

[14:40] why am I here?

[14:41] Which is a good question.

[14:42] He adds nothing to the film.

[14:45] Meanwhile, Chris Pratt is knocked out, but he gets woken up when, I think it's a centrosaurus,

[14:49] it's a type of ceratopsian, licks his face, as if to say like, hey, buddy, lava's coming,

[14:53] better get up.

[14:54] And there's a stream of hot lava inches from his body, and he reacts much in the way you

[15:00] would if, I don't know, a hot bowl of popcorn was near you.

[15:03] Like, doesn't seem to be that concerned.

[15:05] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[15:05] I think it was the movie Star Wars Revenge of the Sith, when Anakin, with his legs and arms

[15:11] shorn from his body, lies just mere inches from the lava, only to immediately burst into

[15:16] flame because it's super fucking hot to be that close to lava.

[15:19] Yeah.

[15:19] But Chris Pratt's body, unaffected.

[15:21] You know why?

[15:22] He's just that cool.

[15:23] Oh, wow.

Dan McCoy

[15:25] Yeah.

[15:25] But I mean, he's tranked.

[15:27] I mean, there is a reason why he's not reacting.

Elliott Kalan

[15:29] So the tranquilizer is keeping his clothes from bursting into flame?

[15:32] No.

[15:32] Like, his clothes are so sleepy that they're not flammable?

Stuart Wellington

[15:35] It slows your blood down.

[15:36] It makes sense.

Elliott Kalan

[15:37] It makes sense.

[15:37] Because, Dan, let me tell you, there's nothing more flammable than pajamas, Dan.

[15:41] What we wear when we sleep.

Dan McCoy

[15:43] I'm not saying that the trank is somehow a lava dispelling force.

[15:49] I was like, you were saying he didn't react that much.

[15:51] Oh, no, no.

[15:52] He was tranquilized.

Elliott Kalan

[15:52] And he drags himself behind a log, which...

Dan McCoy

[15:54] Which, for some reason, that is the one thing that, like, definitely stops the lava.

[15:58] I'm just like, he was wood to burn.

Stuart Wellington

[16:01] Yeah, and he pulled himself behind that log that I always seem to find when I'm looking

[16:04] for good firewood.

Dan McCoy

[16:06] I mean, yeah, if you're asking me the top two things about wood, I'd be like, number

[16:10] one is you burn things with it.

[16:12] What's the number two?

[16:13] Makes a nice house.

Elliott Kalan

[16:16] Fair point.

[16:17] Keeps wolves from blowing it down.

[16:18] Yeah.

[16:19] Oh, wait, no, it doesn't.

[16:20] He blows that one down.

Dan McCoy

[16:20] Well, those were technically sticks.

[16:22] I don't think...

Elliott Kalan

[16:23] That's wood, though, right?

Dan McCoy

[16:25] Yeah, but, I mean, you're just, like, stacking sticks on top of each other.

[16:28] Come on.

[16:29] Who lives like that?

Elliott Kalan

[16:31] Unless they built a house out of the band sticks.

[16:35] And the wolf is just blowing Dennis DeYoung out of the way.

Dan McCoy

[16:38] I was angry at that joke until you were able to pull one of the members of sticks out of

[16:42] your brain.

Elliott Kalan

[16:42] One of my dad's favorite bands?

[16:44] Yeah, I think I know who's in sticks.

[16:46] Okay, anyway.

Dan McCoy

[16:47] I don't know who's in my dad's favorite bands.

[16:51] Like, does anyone know who's in the Manhattan Transfer?

[16:54] Anyone?

Elliott Kalan

[16:56] Well, it looks like you and your dad have something to talk about at Thanksgiving this year.

S4

[17:00] Well, Daniel, let me tell you the legends of the Manhattan Transfer.

Elliott Kalan

[17:05] So, lava is pouring into the command room.

[17:07] I think it's a baryonyx, or it may be a troodon, but it's pretty big.

[17:11] That's a dinosaur.

[17:12] It chases...

[17:13] It runs in and it's chasing them around and around in circles.

[17:15] Franklin, who is a person of color, is like, ah!

[17:18] Ooh!

[17:19] I'm so scared!

[17:20] And I was like, should I be offended that the person of color is the cowardly person,

[17:24] much like in old movies where the person of color was always afraid of ghosts and didn't

[17:27] want to go into rooms and stuff?

[17:29] Or am I being too sensitive?

[17:30] Dan, Stu, you're people who have lived that life.

Stuart Wellington

[17:32] I can't answer that.

[17:33] I would go check the internet.

Elliott Kalan

[17:35] Okay, I'll see what the internet thinks.

[17:36] The important thing is, they escape.

[17:38] But the mountain is collapsing, causing a dinosaur stampede.

[17:41] Owen has managed to run exactly to where they are.

[17:44] One of many coincidences in the film.

Stuart Wellington

[17:46] And it's a shot that's like a clear callback to Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Elliott Kalan

[17:50] Yeah, when he's running over that hill.

[17:52] So much that I'm sure they're like, I can't wait to show Stephen this.

Stuart Wellington

[17:55] And he looks up from his iPad briefly and then looks back down.

Elliott Kalan

[17:58] He's like, yeah, it's fine.

[17:59] I bet Stephen's like, what?

[18:01] Yeah, sure.

[18:02] And they're like, like in your movie.

[18:03] What movie?

[18:04] The Indiana Jones movie.

[18:05] Crystal Skull?

[18:05] No, thank you.

[18:06] No, Stephen.

[18:07] The other one.

[18:08] Young Indiana Jones Chronicles?

[18:09] That was George's thing.

[18:10] I wasn't involved in that.

[18:12] Stephen, do you remember any of the movies you made?

[18:14] Yeah, I did that one where Tom Hanks frees the guy from Russia or whatever.

Dan McCoy

[18:18] So in your version of events, Stephen Spielberg is an idiot.

[18:21] No.

Elliott Kalan

[18:23] He is an older man with a rich body of work.

[18:25] And I cannot expect him to remember every shot from every one of his movies.

Stuart Wellington

[18:28] Okay.

[18:29] Maybe his ball cap's on a little too tight, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[18:32] Yeah.

[18:32] Like Stephen, you know like that movie you made about the alien?

[18:35] Crystal Skull?

[18:35] Yeah, whatever.

[18:38] So they find one of those big plexiglass balls from the first movie that people ride around in and I assume ram into dinosaurs.

[18:45] But then a Carnatosaurus, which is like a little T-Rex with horns on his head.

[18:49] He just starts yelling at him like, get off my lawn.

[18:51] And then one of those centrosauruses, the seratopsians, comes over and they fight.

[18:55] And then a T-Rex comes over and beats up the Carnatosaurus and kills it and then just walks off.

[19:00] And it's like, why did you do that, Tyrannosaurus?

Stuart Wellington

[19:03] Yeah, he kills it just to do that pose again.

[19:06] And then he uses his butt to like push the ball down.

[19:09] He's like, we had a great time.

[19:10] See you guys later.

Elliott Kalan

[19:11] The Tyrannosaurus is like when, it's like if, when like someone like Vin Diesel shows up for a cameo role in a sequel to, in like a Fast and Furious sequel before he's a big star in it again.

[19:21] And it's like, hey, remember me?

[19:22] Wink!

[19:23] And then walks off again.

Dan McCoy

[19:24] I mean, at this point, the Tyrannosaurus's job is just to show up and eat another dinosaur before that dinosaur kills humans.

[19:30] Because it happened at the end of Jurassic Park, but it also happened in Jurassic World.

[19:34] And it's like, what, what, what, what, don't you like eating humans?

[19:39] Like, I don't understand why you're, you're stepping in at every moment.

[19:42] He's a friend of all children.

Stuart Wellington

[19:44] I mean, and in a way, humans are the ones who are making the dinosaurs.

[19:48] So why would you kill the humans?

Dan McCoy

[19:49] You're saying he knows what side his bread is buttered on.

Elliott Kalan

[19:52] Because Tyrannosaurus Rex says, here's the secret, love buttered bread.

[19:56] They're like a bunch of Mercy Watsons.

[19:58] We're the parents in the audience.

[19:59] We're the Mercy Watson books.

Dan McCoy

[20:00] They're like, I don't need the carbs, but all right.

[20:03] I'll be bad.

Elliott Kalan

[20:04] I do need more lipids.

[20:07] So anyway, they're rolling in that.

[20:09] So Owen can't get into the ball in time, but Claire and Franklin are in there.

[20:12] They roll off a cliff into water.

[20:13] Now the ball is filling with water.

[20:15] Now Owen looks like he's got the good deal because he's just swimming around.

[20:18] He manages to pry it open with a knife before they drown.

[20:21] And this whole thing where the ball is filling up is done as if it's one shot and one take.

[20:25] It's not because it's lots of computer stuff.

[20:27] But it's done as if you're seeing it happen in real time, which is kind of a neat idea,

[20:31] but it doesn't quite work.

[20:32] It's all right.

[20:33] It's all right.

[20:35] Anyway, the bad guys, meanwhile, are just caging the dinosaurs and putting them onto boats

[20:39] because here's the thing Jurassic Park wants us to remember about dinosaurs.

[20:42] Dinosaurs are unstoppable killing machines until the plot needs them to be at the mercy of humans,

[20:47] in which case they become so docile that they can't do anything.

[20:50] There's a dinosaur who's had two ropes around his neck and two guys are pulling it.

[20:54] And it's like, can't get loose.

[20:55] And it's like, come on, dude.

[20:59] This is crazy.

[21:00] Your neck is stronger than 40 human beings or something like that.

[21:03] Anyway, Wheatley, meanwhile, the bad guy hunter, he's just walking around pulling teeth out of

[21:07] dinosaurs' mouths.

[21:08] Terrible.

[21:09] And as Dan said, we all assumed it was for DNA purposes, but later on he just goes,

[21:12] this will look good on my necklace.

[21:15] You can't.

[21:16] Which he says to a dinosaur.

[21:18] Yeah.

[21:20] And you can't fault a man for knowing how to accessorize.

[21:23] But it's like my mama always said, before you go out, look in the mirror,

[21:27] take one dinosaur tooth off your necklace.

[21:30] Probably that giant one that you had at the beginning of the movie.

[21:33] The Indominus Rex one, yeah.

[21:34] Owen and Claire and Franklin, they steal a truck and manage to outrace the lava and jump

[21:39] off of the dock into the cargo ship.

[21:42] Nobody notices that they do this.

[21:44] Even though everyone is watching out of the back of the ship as clouds engulf a sad sauropod

[21:49] as it bellows its last before it disappears into sulfur dust.

[21:53] Guys, it was pretty sad, right?

[21:55] Uh-huh.

Stuart Wellington

[21:56] Well, I mean, you don't know that guy's life story.

Dan McCoy

[21:58] Yeah.

[21:59] I mean, that might have, that could be a bad sauropod.

Stuart Wellington

[22:02] Maybe.

[22:02] Or maybe he was like, sweet relief.

[22:03] He could be evil like that old couple on Titanic that hold each other as the room fills up

[22:08] with water.

[22:08] Wait, so that's, so they're evil?

[22:10] Wait, they're evil?

[22:10] Yeah, dude, you didn't know that?

Elliott Kalan

[22:12] Oh, yeah.

[22:13] Did you miss, in the credits, they're listed as Hitler's parents.

Stuart Wellington

[22:19] That iceberg's like, not so fast.

Elliott Kalan

[22:25] For a better world, and then it smashes into the Titanic.

[22:30] We cut back to the mainland, Northern California, where in Lockwood's house, Toby Jones, who is

[22:35] apparently an agent, he works as a buyer for dinosaurs.

[22:39] He is a middleman.

[22:41] Toby Jones in a great performance.

[22:43] I mean, he's the most fun person in the movie, for sure.

Dan McCoy

[22:46] You say he works as a buyer for dinosaurs as if, like, that was his job, like, the whole time.

[22:49] That's what I assumed.

[22:51] No, no, I know, his whole life, he was like, he was waiting around for DNA, technology to

[22:56] get to a certain point.

[22:56] He was like, oh, I got to study being a buyer for dinosaurs, because someday, this is going

[23:00] to be a job.

Elliott Kalan

[23:01] I imagine he was sitting in his office, and he's just, like, looking at his budget.

[23:05] He's been in the red.

[23:06] He's bankrupt.

[23:07] He owes so much money.

[23:08] And he's about to, he's about to pick up the phone and call the plant and say, guys,

[23:12] shut her down.

[23:12] When suddenly, he sees on the TV, dinosaurs are escaping from Jurassic World, and he went,

[23:18] goes, hold the phone.

[23:20] And he calls home, and he goes, honey, we're having steak tonight.

Stuart Wellington

[23:24] He's, he's, he's another side character in this movie, where they clearly ask them what

[23:29] their actual accent is.

[23:30] They're like, oh, you're English?

[23:32] Well, you're doing an American accent.

[23:33] You're American?

[23:34] No, do a bad English accent.

[23:36] Toby Jones is like, how can I sound like I have five times as many teeth in my life?

Elliott Kalan

[23:42] They're like, what accent is that?

[23:44] He's like, it's mine.

[23:47] So Toby Jones is a, he arranges for people.

[23:50] He's really an auctioneer, as it turns out.

[23:51] And they brought him there to auction off dinosaurs to rich people.

[23:54] And he's like, my clients won't wait.

[23:58] Mills, the assistant, is like, it's going to take another day.

[24:00] And he's like, my clients won't wait another day.

[24:02] And it's like, how entitled are these rich people?

[24:04] They can't wait one more day to own a dinosaur.

[24:06] Like, what, are you going to take your business somewhere else?

Dan McCoy

[24:09] Yeah, they're going to be like, oh, it's taking too long.

[24:12] I guess I'm just going to own a Kuboto dragon.

Elliott Kalan

[24:15] If you don't think Nick Cage and Leo DiCaprio are just sitting waiting for the moment to bid on a dinosaur.

[24:20] Yeah.

[24:21] So Mills goes, wait, wait, wait, don't go.

[24:23] We're selling the dinosaurs to raise money for a bigger project.

[24:26] And he takes him down to the evil laboratory in Lockwood's home basement,

[24:30] where he says, we have combined the power of the Indominus Rex with the training of the raptor that Owen proved to make the Indoraptor.

[24:41] A super soldier dinosaur.

[24:44] And Maisie overhears them saying all this.

[24:46] Now, we'll get into later the issues with a super soldier dinosaur.

[24:50] Because our heroes are too busy creeping around this cargo ship, never being noticed by anybody.

[24:55] She's wearing a baseball cap, man.

[24:58] Good point.

[24:59] And there's a point where this, and Stuart and Dan didn't think this is as off-putting as I did,

[25:02] where Franklin is caught by another guy and he's like, hey, do you work here?

[25:05] Come help me with this thing.

[25:06] He's like, yeah, I guess anyone you never saw before who is just part of the crew and was, I guess you didn't notice him.

Dan McCoy

[25:12] I mean, more likely assumption than like, stowaway from Burning Island.

Elliott Kalan

[25:18] Like, he doesn't look like a dinosaur.

[25:20] He's probably cool.

[25:21] Fair point.

[25:21] I mean, they do know that they left a bunch of other people to die on the island.

[25:24] Oh, they did?

[25:25] It's like, all Wheatley has to be is like, here's pictures of four people we left on the island to die.

[25:30] If you see any of them on the ship, kill them on sight, I guess.

[25:33] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[25:34] But you figured out how long this trip was supposed to be?

Elliott Kalan

[25:38] Oh, well, I'll get to that.

[25:38] Okay.

[25:39] Because first, uh-oh, Blue is losing blood fast.

[25:41] They've got to get a blood transfusion.

[25:43] But where are they going to get dinosaur blood?

[25:45] If you guessed from a sleeping Tyrannosaurus Rex, you must have seen the movie already.

[25:51] They've got to get some blood from a sleeping Tyrannosaurus Rex, then put it in the veins of this raptor.

[25:56] A sentence which sounds so much cooler than the scene as it appears in the movie.

[26:01] Now, guys, I'm not going to lie to you.

[26:03] If you said to me, there's a little bit of dino surgery in this movie, I would have said, sign me up a thousand percent.

[26:08] Yeah.

[26:09] And yet, it's really more about the emotions between Chris Pratt and Blue.

[26:13] Because while they're doing that, Maisie has snuck into the laboratory and is watching Chris Pratt's old journal videos of training Blue, for which he also did two of the camera confessionals narrating what he's doing.

Stuart Wellington

[26:24] I think it's, yeah, the music is like Time of Your Life by Green Day or something.

[26:28] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[26:29] I mean, like, reporting the results is not so weird.

[26:33] What's weird is, like, someone went back and cut them in to, like, scenes of him, like, hanging out with the dinosaurs.

[26:38] Yeah, I mean, it looks like he's on a...

[26:39] Yeah, like it's an episode of The Office or something.

Elliott Kalan

[26:40] Yeah, or Modern Family.

Stuart Wellington

[26:41] Like, oh, this is the Modern Family where they train dinosaurs.

[26:43] I mean, I was being pretty charitable at The Office.

Elliott Kalan

[26:45] I mean, I guess Modern Family's a big hit, ain't it?

[26:48] It's a huge hit.

[26:49] Because people love shows where a family is mean to each other for 20 minutes.

[26:52] And at the end, they're like, oh, we love each other because we're a family.

[26:55] That's Modern Family, guys.

[26:57] I hate to break it to you.

[26:58] That family is very mean to each other.

[27:00] It's like, I watch it and for a while I was a big fan of it.

[27:02] And then I started being like, these people really argue and yell at each other a lot.

[27:05] Like, my family doesn't do that.

[27:07] Are we a pre-modern family?

[27:08] Or even a post-modern family?

[27:10] Because then what does family even mean?

Dan McCoy

[27:12] Elliot, I like to think of us as kind of a family and there's a lot of meanness that goes on.

Elliott Kalan

[27:17] Yeah, but we're like brothers.

[27:19] Oh, I see.

[27:20] You're not like my children.

[27:21] I wouldn't yell at you and make fun of you.

[27:22] In the words of Vincent Diesel, we're not friends.

[27:28] He said that in that Olive Garden commercial?

[27:31] Yeah.

[27:34] It was advertising takeout.

[27:36] It's called Too Fast, Too Breadsticks.

[27:39] Okay, guys.

[27:40] Also, there's a big reveal here where Maisie overhears Mills arguing with somebody and it's B.D. Wong,

[27:47] the scientist from the other movies.

[27:48] And this is presented kind of as if we're supposed to be shocked that B.D. Wong's involved.

[27:52] Like, I don't know, you brought back the rest of the cast.

[27:54] Why not?

[27:55] Go ahead, sure.

[27:56] Claire wakes up, cuddled up next to Chris Pratt, but he doesn't notice and she moves real quick

[28:01] because they used to have a relationship.

[28:02] And there's a moment where Wheatley calls Zia a nasty woman, which I felt, I don't need

[28:06] politics injected into my dinosaur movie.

[28:08] Thank you very much.

[28:09] And the dinos are being taken to Lockwood's house in Northern California.

[28:13] And now, Dan, this is where I said, hold on a second.

[28:16] Where is Isla Nublar?

[28:18] It's off the coast of Costa Rica, the western coast.

[28:20] Yes, for the coast of Costa Rica.

[28:22] How long would it take a cargo trawler?

[28:24] Oh, cargo trawler.

[28:25] Cargo ship.

[28:26] Not a fishing boat.

[28:27] How long would it take a cargo ship to get from Costa Rica to Northern California?

[28:30] So I plugged it into my computer box phone, my mother box that I carry with me.

[28:34] And it would take...

[28:34] You jacked into the matrix?

[28:35] I jacked into the mainframe.

[28:36] Yeah, into the matrix.

[28:37] I Johnny Pneumonic'd this.

[28:39] And I asked Lawnmower Man, hey, how long would it take a cargo ship to get from Costa Rica

[28:44] to, say, San Francisco?

[28:45] And it said, at a good clip, it would take six days.

[28:48] So are we to believe they have been sleeping for six days?

[28:51] Or did they spend six days starving?

[28:54] Perhaps eating a dead dinosaur?

[28:57] And then what?

[28:57] Playing, like, Mother May I?

[29:00] Or, like...

Stuart Wellington

[29:00] I think it would have been great if they had, like, some scenes in the mess hall where they

[29:03] had to pretend that they were, like, goons.

[29:06] Yeah.

[29:07] Or dinosaurs.

[29:08] Yeah.

[29:09] Like, dinosaurs hungry.

[29:10] Give me food, please.

[29:12] They're eating a goat.

[29:15] Yeah, they keep shoving goat.

[29:16] I mean, in some cultures, Dan, that's not that crazy.

Dan McCoy

[29:18] Bryce Dallas Howard just unhinges her jaw as a goat.

Elliott Kalan

[29:23] Now that's a movie.

[29:25] Okay.

[29:26] The dinosaurs are taken to the basement in Lockwood's house.

[29:28] Lockwood, I don't think he's really aware that there's this entire sub-basement structure

[29:32] in his house.

Dan McCoy

[29:32] No, there's a whole basement laboratory underneath it.

[29:35] We're supposed to believe that he's unaware of the evil scheme that is unfolding beneath

[29:39] him.

Stuart Wellington

[29:40] They kept telling him there was, like, fault lines or something underneath the castle.

Dan McCoy

[29:43] Yeah, while they're building it.

[29:44] They're building it Better Call Saul style.

[29:46] They're making a secret.

[29:48] Spoiler alert.

[29:48] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[29:49] Not for me.

[29:50] I don't watch that show.

[29:52] Anyway.

[29:53] I don't have the time.

[29:54] It's a good show.

[29:54] It's not like I'm saying it's a bad show.

[29:56] Lockwood is like, Mills, I don't like what you're doing.

[29:59] And Mills smothers him with a pillow to death.

[30:02] That's one way of quitting your job.

Stuart Wellington

[30:05] Well, he says, I don't like what you're doing.

[30:08] Call the police and turn yourself in.

[30:09] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[30:10] He says, it'll go better for you if you tell the police the story.

[30:13] It's like, will it?

[30:15] I mean, but partly because one of his crimes is kidnapping, sure, of Zia.

[30:18] But the other crime is like, I guess, illegal transport of dinosaurs over a border without

[30:22] a license or something.

[30:24] And you know a judge.

[30:25] The judge is going to look through the law book and go, I'll allow it.

[30:28] And that dog can play basketball.

Dan McCoy

[30:33] Elliot gave me a very coy look.

[30:35] It looked like Dan was going to say something.

Elliott Kalan

[30:37] Now, our heroes jump into a truck and join the convoy.

[30:41] They finally get caught in a scene where Wheatley is, for some reason, strangely out of breath

[30:44] when he arrests them.

[30:46] Like, he just ran a mile to get to them.

Dan McCoy

[30:48] Yeah.

[30:48] I like to believe that Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard, the truck that they're driving,

[30:52] is the one that he was supposed to be driving.

[30:54] So he was just like, wait up, wait up, behind them for like five miles.

[30:58] Guys!

Elliott Kalan

[30:59] Here's my question.

[31:00] I started this.

[31:01] And all these rich buyers start showing up in limousines.

[31:04] Oh, and I'm sorry.

[31:05] I forgot to mention that.

[31:06] Mills knows that Maisie has been sneaking around, locks her into a room.

[31:08] She escapes out a window after wasting a lot of time using a wire hanger to pick her door's

[31:13] lock and then seeing their armed guards in the hallway and then going out the window.

[31:16] And it's like, movie?

[31:17] You could have just shown her going out the window.

[31:19] We didn't need that whole scene.

[31:21] The rich buyers start showing up.

[31:23] We've got pharmaceuticals guys.

[31:24] Because who knows what wonder drugs are lying inside of a dinosaur's body?

[31:28] I'm guessing none.

[31:30] But who knows?

[31:31] Like, what special properties do they have?

[31:33] There's arms dealers.

[31:34] There's dictators.

[31:35] And here's my question.

[31:37] A lot of it, I assume, is you want to buy dinosaurs for the military.

[31:40] Well, we'll get to that, I guess.

[31:40] Because the important thing is, Maisie, she gets out of her room.

[31:44] She finds her grandpa.

[31:44] And she's like, grandpa, there's trouble.

[31:46] But he's dead.

[31:46] And she takes his mystery book that he's been holding the whole time.

[31:50] And meanwhile, in the dungeon, Owen uses a pachycephalosaurus to smash through the wall of their cell, like the Kool-Aid Manasaurus.

[31:59] Pachycephalosaurus is the one that has a bone dome on its head so it can headbutt everybody.

[32:03] It's the one everyone assumed was an herbivore.

[32:05] But as of this taping, they recently found a jaw that had sharp teeth on it.

[32:08] So maybe it was a carnival or omnivore.

[32:10] Very exciting in pachycephalosaurus.

[32:13] Are you trying to get some kind of diploma for a degree in paleontology here, dude?

[32:18] Yeah.

[32:19] I just want to show him up on the recent science and discoveries.

Dan McCoy

[32:21] Dean comes in and is like, here, Elliot.

[32:24] You're an honorary graduate of Earlham for, I don't know, dinosaur stuff, I guess.

[32:31] And the diploma says dinosaur stuff, I guess, on it.

Elliott Kalan

[32:35] I'll take it.

[32:37] So they get out and that pachycephalosaurus is like, say he was whistling to get it to come in.

[32:41] And the dinosaur's like, what?

[32:43] What did you want me for?

[32:44] What?

[32:44] You're done with me now that I helped you?

[32:46] What do I get?

[32:47] And then he sings that song, What Do I Get?

[32:48] by the Buzz God.

[32:50] Great.

[32:51] Thanks.

[32:53] Contemporary reference.

Stuart Wellington

[32:55] So meanwhile, the auction's going on.

[32:57] They're selling dinosaurs left and right.

[32:58] The room looks like the kind of place where Blade would show up and just start chopping dudes in half.

Elliott Kalan

[33:03] Yeah.

[33:03] And there's like a runway catwalk that they slide cages of dinosaurs.

[33:07] Once again, like a Blade Room.

[33:09] And Toby Jones is really, as I think Stuart, you mentioned, he's really struggling with that accent to pronounce those dinosaur names properly.

Stuart Wellington

[33:15] Yeah.

[33:15] I feel like he had to make the decision between pronouncing the names properly or going with the accent.

[33:19] And he's like, I worked five days on this accent.

Elliott Kalan

[33:23] You know, I wish, and this scene I kind of like because it's a crazy idea, but I wish that there was like a little kid who was tugging on his coat correcting him all the time.

[33:31] Nobody knows dinosaur names like little kids.

[33:33] Okay.

[33:33] Finally, he says, let's take a break from the main auction.

[33:36] They've sold an ankylosaurus.

[33:37] They've sold some other thing.

[33:39] An allosaurus.

[33:40] And he goes, okay, let's bring out something special.

[33:43] It's not for sale.

[33:44] It's a prototype.

[33:45] The Indoraptor.

[33:47] And they bring it out.

[33:48] It's the perfect predator.

[33:49] And here's how you use it.

[33:50] All you have to do is point a sniper rifle so the laser sight hits your target.

[33:55] Then you pull the trigger to create a loud noise, which triggers the Indoraptor to attack that target.

[33:59] And it's like, seems like it would be easier to just use a gun in that situation.

Dan McCoy

[34:04] If you didn't have someone in your scopes, use the gun.

Elliott Kalan

[34:07] You've taken a very, it's like a gun's bang would go off and alert everybody that there was an assassin.

[34:13] Sending a dinosaur is much stealthier.

Stuart Wellington

[34:16] You don't understand this warlord is impervious to bullets.

[34:20] His greatest weakness, dinosaurs.

Dan McCoy

[34:23] It's a little bit like a...

[34:23] Now guys, I have a moment to talk about...

[34:25] Oh, Stuart just got out of his chair.

Stuart Wellington

[34:27] He's going to lay down some knowledge.

[34:27] He's going to go up on a ramp here.

[34:30] Now that we've created super dinosaurs, thank you for raising the house.

[34:34] What I don't understand is why it just ends up looking exactly like all the other dinosaurs in the movie,

[34:39] except a little hairier and a little more like it's got a cool racing story.

[34:43] I think this is the time when if you're going to make a dinosaur and make it super and cool,

[34:48] you've got to give it wings, dude.

[34:49] Make it look like a dragon.

[34:51] Game of Thrones is so hot right now.

[34:54] Tap into that shit.

Elliott Kalan

[34:56] Or give it like eight legs or something.

[34:58] Like make it crazy.

[34:59] Exactly.

[35:00] Like three heads.

Dan McCoy

[35:01] But they make it seem like this is the biggest military innovation possible.

[35:06] Where, you know, it's like the army does not go out and train a bunch of wolves to go out and kill things.

[35:12] No.

[35:13] People do very good at killing things.

Elliott Kalan

[35:16] It reminds me a little bit, there's that scene in Star Wars where they're playing with lightsabers for the first time,

[35:20] and Obi-Wan's like much, much better than a blaster.

[35:22] It's like, really?

[35:23] It doesn't seem so.

[35:25] Like you can kill some of the blaster from across the room.

[35:28] Lightsaber, you've got to get real close to Ponda Bay before you can cut his arm off.

[35:32] So, it's a dumb weapon, but the people in the crowd love it because of the novelty value.

[35:36] The bidding goes up to $28 million, and they're like, please, please, this is just a prototype.

[35:40] But people want to buy it, so they do.

[35:43] Uh-oh.

[35:44] Things don't go so smoothly because Owen lets that Pachycephalosaurus loose in the room.

[35:48] It's just head-butting everybody.

[35:51] And then Owen comes in, and he's like single-handedly kung-fu-ing all the security guards.

[35:56] Everybody runs out, as I would.

[35:58] Well, that's true.

[35:59] If a dinosaur was loose, it would be such a hard instinct to run out because I'd be like, I want to see this dinosaur.

S4

[36:04] Maybe it will be friends.

Elliott Kalan

[36:07] I mean, here's the thing.

[36:08] Maybe I'm just mad at Chris Pratt because he has achieved in this movie my goal my entire life,

[36:13] which was to be friends with a dinosaur.

[36:15] Would I choose a velociraptor?

[36:17] Dan, would I?

[36:18] No.

[36:19] You're correct.

[36:20] I would not choose a velociraptor.

[36:21] I'd choose Deinonychus, the cooler version of a velociraptor.

Dan McCoy

[36:25] Now, what upgrades does the Deinonychus have?

Elliott Kalan

[36:28] Well, to be honest, the velociraptors in the movies are much larger than the real-life velociraptors.

[36:33] They're more the size of a Deinonychus.

[36:34] Deinonychus was the original sickle-cell raptor, which John Ostrom discovered

[36:38] and which revolutionized the way we look at dinosaurs.

[36:40] And it's super cool.

[36:41] It's got a sickle-cell toe, and it can just slash open a lot of time.

Dan McCoy

[36:45] Wait, sickle-cell toe?

Elliott Kalan

[36:46] Sorry, not sickle-cell toe.

[36:47] You're talking about anemia?

[36:48] It doesn't get malaria.

[36:49] No, sorry.

[36:50] It's got a sickle-blade toe, the original sickle-blade toe.

[36:53] Okay.

[36:53] And that's my other complaint, is the raptors never use their toes to do anything other than

[36:57] just tap on the ground and alert people that they're stalking them.

Stuart Wellington

[36:59] Is that like being mad that Leonardo doesn't use his katanas that often?

[37:02] Because if he did, there'd be, like, blood everywhere.

Elliott Kalan

[37:05] Yeah, basically.

[37:08] Got them?

[37:08] Use them.

[37:09] That's what I say.

[37:10] So everyone runs out, and while everyone's gone, Wheatley walks in and tranks the Indoraptor

[37:15] and then opens its cage and gets in to steal one of its teeth for his necklace.

[37:20] I mean, at that point, he's got a problem, guys.

[37:22] Yeah.

[37:24] He should be seeing a doctor.

[37:26] No, his men should hold a dinovention.

[37:30] Wheatley, you have a problem, and it's getting in the way of your work.

Dan McCoy

[37:32] Now, do you think it's like a rhino horn situation?

[37:34] Do you think this is an erectile dysfunction thing?

[37:36] He's like, dino teeth.

[37:37] Oh, okay, you raise an interesting point.

[37:39] No.

[37:39] You grind them up.

Elliott Kalan

[37:39] You raise an interesting point.

Dan McCoy

[37:41] You know, have them with a little soda water.

[37:44] Is that how they do it?

[37:45] I have no idea.

Elliott Kalan

[37:45] They mix the rhino horn with soda water?

Dan McCoy

[37:47] I assume that you don't want to just put it in regular water.

[37:50] You want something that's got to cover up a little.

Elliott Kalan

[37:53] So it's like, so you're saying that in, say, ancient traditional Chinese medicine.

[37:57] Yeah.

[37:58] You take that rhino horn, you grind it up, throw it in a soda stream.

Dan McCoy

[38:01] Yeah, that's right.

[38:02] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[38:03] And then you just fizz it on down.

[38:05] And next thing you know, lead in your pencil.

[38:07] Yeah.

[38:07] You're curing erectile dysfunction and a sour stomach at the same time.

[38:12] I mean, the real problem there is the sour stomach, I would think.

[38:15] You cure that, and the erectile dysfunction might go away on its own.

Dan McCoy

[38:18] You and I lead very different lives, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[38:23] I don't even know how to take that.

Stuart Wellington

[38:26] Dan can fill an entire book with stories of sexual adventures where his stomach hurts the whole time.

[38:34] Yeah, I don't know if it's...

Elliott Kalan

[38:35] The night of the barbecue bash.

[38:37] I don't know if that means that your erectile dysfunction hurts your tummy,

[38:42] or that you're so turned on by having a sour stomach that you can't help but get aroused.

Stuart Wellington

[38:50] It's a thin line between pleasure and pain, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[38:55] Okay.

[38:55] The Indoraptor is now on...

[38:56] Oh, and the Indoraptor has just been playing possum, and it actually smiles and then eats him.

[39:03] Like, it's mouth just curls up a little bit, and I'm like, well, if you...

[39:06] Look, if you genetically modified a dinosaur to be able to smile, you have just given yourself a billion dollars.

[39:13] Like, don't sell it as military.

[39:15] Like, make a pet dinosaur that can smile.

[39:17] You will be king of the world.

[39:19] And not fake Leonardo DiCaprio, just standing on a boat king of the world.

[39:23] Because let me tell you, when he declared himself king of the world in that movie, I was like, where's your standing army?

[39:27] Where are your lieges?

[39:29] Where are the people who are pledging to you?

[39:31] You're not a king of nothing.

[39:32] You're not a king of shit.

Stuart Wellington

[39:33] Do you think at that point Rose is nervous because now he needs an heir?

[39:37] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[39:39] Exactly.

[39:39] You've got to start producing, Rose.

[39:42] I don't even know you yet at this point in the movie.

[39:43] Okay.

[39:45] The Indoraptor is now on the loose, takes a moment to eat Toby Jones in an elevator, as we all would.

[39:50] We learn that Maisie is actually the clone of Lockwood's daughter, not his real granddaughter, in a plot thread that makes no...

[39:56] It's not really related to anything else in the movie.

Dan McCoy

[39:59] Yeah, I mean, it figures into her final decision in the film, but otherwise it's just like, eh, let's just throw in a clone.

[40:06] This movie needs a little spice.

[40:07] The dinosaurs aren't enough.

[40:09] You need a little girl clone.

Elliott Kalan

[40:11] Well, they're like, hmm, I don't think people's imaginations will be sparked by dinosaurs.

[40:15] Let's throw in a little girl.

[40:17] Yeah.

[40:18] Let's make a little girl who is identical to a different girl.

[40:21] And it's like, yeah, dude, it was called Full House.

[40:23] We all saw it.

[40:25] And you know what Full House needed?

[40:27] Dinosaurs, also on ABC.

Stuart Wellington

[40:28] I mean, the Beach Boys are kind of dinosaurs, Elliot.

[40:34] You're right.

[40:35] Good point.

Elliott Kalan

[40:36] The dinosaurs of Full House, the Beach Boys.

[40:39] Okay.

[40:39] Singing, of course, my least favorite song.

[40:41] Kokomo.

[40:42] Kokomo.

[40:42] Hate it.

[40:43] Okay.

[40:44] The Indoraptor starts chasing him around.

[40:46] Chase, chase, chase.

[40:47] BD Wong is packing up his labs.

[40:48] They can start over afresh somewhere else.

[40:50] And Franklin knocks him out so that Zia can escape.

[40:53] She lets Blue loose.

[40:54] And the lab explodes because someone shot a gun and it hit a gas tank.

[40:57] And there is an amazing moment where Blue looks at the gas coming out of the tank, makes an expression, and then runs out of there just as it starts exploding.

[41:06] And it's like, hold on again.

[41:07] I know Raptors are smart, but they understand combustible gases.

[41:11] Weird to believe.

Stuart Wellington

[41:12] I would see that sign and be like, flammable or inflammable is a bad one.

[41:16] I can't tell.

[41:17] But Blue already knows.

[41:19] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[41:21] Just the mere smell of gas is somehow instinct.

[41:24] You know, like, yeah, there's an instinct.

[41:25] Like, this is going to go south for me.

Elliott Kalan

[41:28] It's just such a funny moment.

[41:29] And it's like, at that point, you're like, well, why can't Blue talk?

[41:31] Why can't, like, let me just show Blue reading a magazine.

[41:33] Come on.

[41:36] Our heroes, again, the Indoraptors stalking them.

[41:38] And they evade it pretty easily for a while.

[41:40] But, uh-oh, we're told there's hydrogen cyanide leaking into the dinosaur basement.

[41:46] And it's going to kill all the dinosaurs.

[41:47] I don't know what hydrogen cyanide is.

[41:49] I don't know why they have it.

[41:50] It's leaking in all of a sudden.

[41:52] The Indoraptor starts chasing after Maisie.

[41:54] The Indoraptor seems much more focused on Maisie.

[41:57] Do you think it's because it senses that she's a clone?

[41:59] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[42:00] They have a psychic link, like that little girl in Michael Myers and the later Michael Myers film.

[42:06] Halloween films, they're called.

[42:07] And the Indoraptor uses those techniques.

Stuart Wellington

[42:11] Because rather than, like, running through the house, smashing every single wall with a painting on it,

[42:16] it climbs outside and through the window, which is nuts, man.

Elliott Kalan

[42:19] Yeah, I don't know how it got there.

[42:21] But, I mean, it also learns how to, and it opens a door.

Stuart Wellington

[42:23] When we were watching, this led L.A. to do a long song based on Raptor on the Roof.

[42:29] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[42:30] Would you like me to sing something now?

[42:33] A Raptor on the...

[42:34] Okay, thank you.

[42:37] I'll try to remember it.

[42:38] When I don't remember, I'll just make up.

[42:42] A Raptor on the Roof.

[42:44] Sounds crazy, no?

[42:47] But here in our little park of Jurassic, you might say each of us is a Raptor on the roof.

[42:54] Simply trying to eat a little girl without breaking our neck.

[42:59] How do we keep our balance?

[43:01] That I can answer with one word.

[43:03] Genetics.

[43:05] Genetics.

[43:06] Genetics.

Dan McCoy

[43:11] Thank you.

[43:12] Oh, wait.

[43:12] I forgot there's another part, too.

[43:14] When you do that impression, it really drives home how close Tevye is to Dracula.

Elliott Kalan

[43:19] Oh, okay.

[43:20] Anti-Semitic, yes.

[43:21] All right.

[43:23] Well, I was going to say Bane.

[43:24] He sounds a lot like Tom Hardy doing Bane.

[43:26] They're all the same.

[43:27] Oh, Batman on the Roof.

[43:29] Well, I mean, Dracula is...

[43:31] They sound...

[43:32] There was a...

[43:32] I was on Halloween night, I'll just tell you.

[43:34] I was doing a lot of Dracula voices.

[43:36] My son made me dress as a pirate, but I wanted to be a vampire.

[43:39] So I created the vampire pirate character of Captain Bloodbeard.

[43:42] And he would keep telling me to stop talking like a vampire.

[43:45] But at a certain point, it just became an old Yiddish man.

[43:49] But there was also the part about, who must know the way to make a proper clone?

[43:53] A quiet clone?

[43:54] A kosher clone?

[43:56] I got to stop.

Dan McCoy

[43:57] Anyway, thank you.

[43:58] Just came up with that one, huh?

Elliott Kalan

[43:59] The music of my people.

[44:01] Thank you.

[44:01] Okay, anyway.

[44:03] So this Indoraptor's Chasin' Maisie.

[44:06] It's running all around.

[44:07] Everyone else, things are exploding like crazy.

[44:09] Oh no.

[44:10] Claire is trapped.

[44:11] She sends Owen off with a kiss to save Maisie.

[44:13] And then Owen tries to tranq the raptor, but it's too tough.

[44:16] But Blue saves them.

[44:18] But the Indoraptor keeps going.

[44:19] But Claire shows up and shoots it with a tranq gun.

[44:21] Doesn't work.

[44:22] Blue shows up and saves them.

[44:24] It all ends with Blue and the Indoraptor fighting on a greenhouse roof, as they always are.

[44:28] Indoraptor falls, and that one weakness that Indoraptors have, being impaled on a triceratops skull.

Stuart Wellington

[44:36] Oh well.

[44:36] That's when Blue gets to do a little success pose.

[44:40] A little T-Rex energy success pose.

[44:42] Yeah, a little roar.

Elliott Kalan

[44:43] Yeah, it's so weird how much each of the dinosaurs is waiting for their trophy moment.

[44:46] Yep.

[44:48] Claire, they go to the basement.

[44:50] She lets all the dinos free of their cages, which just means they're mingling together in a tighter room.

Dan McCoy

[44:54] So it's not a great plan.

[44:55] Yeah, because they're all about to get gassed, if you recall.

[44:58] The cyanide gas is all over the place.

Elliott Kalan

[44:59] And I think Stuart, as you and I, I think, or maybe Dan and I, that had the same feeling, which was,

[45:04] how did they get those dinosaurs in the cages in the first place?

[45:06] They're huge.

Stuart Wellington

[45:06] Yeah, they expanded so much.

[45:08] It was like somebody dropped water on them.

Elliott Kalan

[45:11] Oh, I had so many of those when I was a kid.

[45:13] Yeah.

[45:14] And now they're saying, to save them, we'll have to open the gates of the estate and just let them out into the world.

[45:20] And Claire can't do it.

[45:21] Because, honestly, they're dinosaurs.

[45:25] But then Maisie opens the gates and she says, I had to.

[45:29] They're alive.

[45:30] Like me.

[45:32] Makes you think, doesn't it?

[45:33] Yeah.

[45:34] Makes you think.

[45:36] Yeah, it makes you think that you shouldn't make these decisions to clones.

Dan McCoy

[45:40] I've seen Blade Runner.

[45:42] Weird pro-life message, too, in the middle of this dino movie, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[45:46] I mean, they weren't unborn dinosaurs.

[45:48] I know Blade Runner, they're robots.

Stuart Wellington

[45:50] It's not quite the same.

[45:51] They're what?

[45:51] They're robots in Blade Runner, right?

Elliott Kalan

[45:53] One of the dinosaurs goes, I've seen things you can imagine.

[45:56] Yeah.

[45:56] Other dinosaurs?

[45:58] Yeah.

[45:58] I can imagine that.

[45:59] Oh, okay.

[46:01] What about, like, really big ferns?

[46:03] No, again, very imaginable.

[46:04] Yeah.

[46:05] I love that there's so many movies where they're like, it's unimaginable, the devastation.

[46:10] Somebody had to imagine it.

[46:11] It's in a movie.

[46:14] Somebody imagined it.

[46:15] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[46:16] You wish you were in every single one of those serious scenes so you could undercut it with

[46:20] semantics.

[46:21] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[46:22] Oh, I wish.

Dan McCoy

[46:23] There's so many movies.

[46:24] I love it, Caleb.

[46:25] The well-actually guy.

Elliott Kalan

[46:27] Yeah, like the famous romantic comedy, Well Actually.

Dan McCoy

[46:31] About a well that falls in love with an actually?

Elliott Kalan

[46:35] It's not a great movie.

[46:36] No.

[46:37] The well falls in love with Actual Factual, the Professor Bear from the Berenstain Bears

[46:41] books.

[46:41] Oh.

[46:43] And he falls in love with it.

[46:44] It's a stirring love story.

[46:45] They, okay, so the dinosaurs are just stampeding out of the house.

[46:48] If you know what, if you learn one thing about dinosaurs from this movie, it is like, dinosaurs

Dan McCoy

[46:51] much like Bruce, like Bruce Brinstein, were born to run.

Elliott Kalan

[46:54] Okay.

[46:55] They love running.

[46:56] Mills, the bad guy, he almost escapes by hiding under a car.

[46:59] He's got the indominus tooth.

[47:00] The dinosaurs run by.

[47:02] Phew, he's safe.

[47:03] Uh-oh.

[47:03] Guys, there's one dinosaur, we didn't see yet in that scene.

[47:06] A dinosaur that loves to come in at the last minute and kill the villain.

[47:10] That dinosaur's name?

Dan McCoy

[47:11] Blue?

[47:12] No.

[47:14] Oh, the T-Rex.

[47:14] T-Rex.

[47:15] Look, this movie has slid out of my brain already.

[47:20] We watched it literally this afternoon right before.

Stuart Wellington

[47:22] The T-Rex shows up, fucking chomps that dude down, does the pose.

[47:26] Does the pose.

[47:27] And then stomps on that fucking tooth.

[47:29] It's like, I don't care about endo, whatever.

Elliott Kalan

[47:31] There's only one Rex around here, MF-er.

[47:34] Because the T-Rex doesn't swear.

[47:36] Yeah.

[47:38] He's too cool for that.

[47:39] He's a family dinosaur.

[47:40] He's like, I don't go for that kind of cheap shock.

[47:43] I like to make people think in my comedy.

[47:45] That's what T-Rex says.

[47:47] But now, uh-oh.

[47:48] So everyone's saved, but dinosaurs are just roaming free all over the world.

[47:52] The dinosaurs that were already auctioned off and sold are on their way.

[47:55] Because even, like, they just slapped those things into trucks so fast before the auction was even over, I guess.

[48:01] Yeah.

[48:02] And so there's just dinosaurs everywhere walking around.

[48:05] And Jeff Goldblum, who of course is the nation's premier dinosaur expert.

[48:08] Yeah, he's still testifying, I think.

[48:10] He's testifying still.

[48:11] Yeah, it's a several weeks long testification he's giving.

Stuart Wellington

[48:15] Which kind of explains, it's so crazy how as soon as the country decided not to evacuate the dinosaurs, basically all news coverage of it stopped.

[48:24] Or else they would have noticed the, like, armed guys taking dinosaurs away.

Elliott Kalan

[48:29] Yeah.

[48:29] But they notice it when the dinosaurs start showing up, I guess, like, in suburban backyards or whatever.

[48:33] I mean, it's basically the end of Lost Worlds, the second Jurassic Park movie.

[48:37] They're like, honey, was there a dinosaur in our backyard before?

[48:40] And they lost the chance to do all the bits where, like, a little kid sees one or a dog and is like, huh?

[48:45] And then where someone catches a glimpse of one out of the corner of their eye as it walks by.

[48:49] Or someone just keeps turning away as the dinosaur walks through by their windows.

[48:53] All those funny routines, you know?

Dan McCoy

[48:55] Yeah, but there's dinosaurs all over the place.

[48:56] And Claire and Chris Pratt, whatever his name is.

[49:00] Owen.

[49:00] Owen and the little Maisie are driving off as if they're at the end of The Shining.

Elliott Kalan

[49:06] And Maisie is also, I guess, their child now.

[49:08] It's like, there's no clone law.

[49:11] Finders keepers.

Dan McCoy

[49:13] And there's this big, like, there's, like, this apocalyptic end of a zombie movie vibe about the whole thing.

[49:18] And it's just like, movie, what do you want us to think about dinosaurs?

[49:21] Because right before this, you're like, let's let the dinosaurs roam the world.

[49:25] And now you're just like, oh, it's bad that dinosaurs are roaming the world.

Elliott Kalan

[49:29] It's a complex film.

[49:30] As Jeff Goldblum says, the world has changed forever and maybe humanity won't survive it.

[49:35] Welcome to Jurassic World.

[49:38] End of movie.

[49:39] Except for the post-credits scene where some pterodactyls are flying around.

[49:42] And for a minute, I thought they were landing on the Eiffel Tower.

[49:44] But it was just the Eiffel Tower in Vegas.

[49:46] And I'm like, well, I don't give a shit if they're in Vegas.

[49:49] Like, I thought they were, like, all over the world or something.

[49:52] I don't care what happens to Vegas.

[49:53] Like, come on, that's not impressive.

[49:54] They went all the way from Northern California to Vegas.

[49:56] Amazing reach.

Stuart Wellington

[49:58] Getting tickets to see Britney in Vegas is fucking impressive.

[50:02] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[50:02] Dinosaurs, who cares?

[50:03] I mean, if the dinosaurs had then opened up a tourist guide and were like, who do we see?

[50:08] Is that Ventriloquist still doing his show?

Dan McCoy

[50:11] Penn and Teller have a residency, I see.

Elliott Kalan

[50:13] Yeah, they're pretty good.

[50:14] But I don't like knowing how the tricks are done.

[50:17] Cirque du Soleil is playing.

[50:19] But I don't like the whimsy of them.

[50:20] What happened to the old-fashioned chorus girl shows?

Stuart Wellington

[50:23] They don't do those anymore.

[50:25] Yeah, they are pretty old-fashioned.

Elliott Kalan

[50:26] So they go do it, and they just go and see Jennifer Lopez.

[50:29] Oh, okay.

[50:29] Anyway.

[50:30] She puts on a good show.

[50:31] Yeah, she puts on a great show.

[50:32] And so here's the question.

[50:33] The movie asks us with the question.

[50:35] It leaves us with the question.

[50:37] Can humanity survive dinosaurs?

[50:41] And it's like, yeah, dude, have you seen what we do to every other species that comes up against us?

[50:46] Like, it's the same reason it's stupid to have dino soldiers.

[50:49] Humans are the best at killing things.

[50:51] It's like, how can humans stand up to dinosaurs?

[50:54] We have bombs and tanks.

[50:56] Like, it's not Godzilla, where it's a radioactive monster a thousand feet tall.

[51:00] Like, and if you nuke it, nothing happens.

[51:02] It's like a big animal.

[51:03] Like, just shoot it a bunch of times.

Stuart Wellington

[51:05] Yeah, I mean, there was a dinosaur who got shot with a pistol, and it became like a crazy life or death situation.

[51:11] We got a million of those things.

Elliott Kalan

[51:13] It's like the smallest gun we have.

[51:15] I mean, I kind of want to see, there's that scene in Night of the Living Dead where it's the militia, and it's those guys just walking around with their own guns, just picking off zombies.

[51:23] And in Dawn of the Dead, they do it again.

[51:25] And I kind of want to see the movie where it's just a bunch of guys with guns just like, yep, dinos in town.

[51:30] Get up, Ozzy, together.

Stuart Wellington

[51:31] You want to see a bunch of dinosaurs get shot?

[51:33] I thought you were a dino guy.

Elliott Kalan

[51:36] Dino boy was the type of term.

[51:37] Dino boy.

[51:37] I am technically a dino boy.

[51:39] Well, maybe it's time to grow up, Elliot.

[51:41] You're right.

[51:42] Or maybe the dinosaurs go back in time.

[51:45] Oh, cool.

[51:45] Okay, I'm into it.

[51:46] Like, cowboys have to shoot them.

[51:47] There's that park where the guy has made all these statues of dinosaurs in the Civil War, and I want to see that happen for real.

[51:53] And he has this one statue.

[51:54] This is this one guy made all these.

[51:56] He has this one statue where someone is milking a stegosaurus, and it's like, I don't think you know how that works.

Dan McCoy

[52:03] All right, we've been going on for a long time.

[52:05] This is a live show.

[52:06] We only have a limited amount of time in this space.

[52:08] We should get to final judgments, whether this was a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie we kind of liked.

[52:14] Elliot, what do you have to say?

Elliott Kalan

[52:15] Look, guys, I like dinosaur movies, in theory.

[52:17] There were so many times during this movie where I was like, if you told me when I was 12 or 11, you're going to see a scene where inside a house, two raptors, one of whom is giant, are fighting each other.

[52:28] And you're going to be like, okay, sure.

[52:31] Or I would have slapped you in the face.

[52:34] And I would have said, never.

[52:35] Maybe that says more about me that I'm so jaded now.

[52:37] But it seemed like this movie was less about dinosaurs and more about we made a billion dollars with the last movie.

[52:42] We've got to figure out what this movie is about.

[52:44] And they slammed together like 15 different dinosaur movie plots.

[52:47] Like, the trailers are like, they've got to save the dinosaurs from this volcano.

[52:51] That's like the first third of the movie.

[52:52] And then the rest is like, it's basically Clue, but with dinosaurs.

Dan McCoy

[53:01] I mean, if Tim Curry came in at the last minute and was just like, let me solve this mystery.

[53:05] It was dinosaurs.

[53:07] I would have loved this film.

Elliott Kalan

[53:09] So sadly, I'm going to say it was prehistorically snorifying.

[53:12] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[53:14] I, you know, I was on the very verge of kind of liking this movie just because I have a soft spot for big, stupid blockbusters.

[53:21] And it moved faster than the usual bad movie that we watched.

Stuart Wellington

[53:24] Yeah, at two and a half hours or something.

Dan McCoy

[53:27] It was 210.

[53:29] 210 to Yuma.

Elliott Kalan

[53:32] Some people take the 310.

[53:34] I like the 210 because it gets into Yuma earlier.

Dan McCoy

[53:36] I like to take the Midnight Meat Train.

[53:39] It's a smelly train.

[53:41] I'll give it a bad movie, though.

Stuart Wellington

[53:44] Yeah, I'll agree with you guys.

[53:45] It moved to the decent clip.

[53:46] And I don't know, whatever.

[53:48] Dinosaurs.

Elliott Kalan

[53:49] I mean, we've seen worse movies.

[53:51] If you want to see a dinosaur movie.

[53:52] Put it on the poster.

[53:53] Whatever dinosaurs.

[53:55] If your requirement for movies is dinosaurs, chug this one down.

[53:59] It's got a ton of dinosaurs in it.

[54:01] But those dinosaurs, they don't have any meaning.

[54:04] The first Jurassic Park, it was the majesty and awe of these creatures we can never hope

[54:08] to see with our own eyes in real life.

[54:10] The second Jurassic Park, it was about seeing a Tyrannosaurus Rex walk by a video store.

[54:14] The third Jurassic Park, okay, they got a Spinosaurus now.

[54:18] That's something.

[54:19] Jurassic World, didn't see it.

[54:20] Jurassic World, Fallen Kingdom, it's like, cha-ching, dinosaurs.

S4

[54:28] Going into a bullseye interview.

[54:30] I know it's somebody who does amazing work.

[54:33] But it's an actual conversation.

[54:34] I don't know where it's headed.

Dan McCoy

[54:37] Absolutely.

[54:38] You're absolutely right.

[54:40] You said it actually better than I did.

[54:41] So I have to think about what that means.

Stuart Wellington

[54:45] Hey, this is the straight talk that you're going to get on this show.

S4

[54:49] Bullseye.

[54:50] Creators you know.

[54:51] Creators you need to know.

[54:52] Find it at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get podcasts.

[54:56] Dead Pilots Society brings you exclusive readings of comedy pilots that were never made.

[55:05] Featuring actors like Patton Oswalt.

[55:07] So the vampire from the future sleeps in the dude's studio during the day and they hunt monsters at night.

[55:13] It's Blade meets the Odd Couple.

[55:16] Adam Scott and Jane Levy.

[55:18] Come on, Corey.

[55:20] She's too serious.

[55:21] Too business-y.

[55:22] She doesn't know the hokey pokey.

[55:24] She'll learn what it's all about.

Dan McCoy

[55:28] Busy Phillips and Dave Koechner.

[55:30] Baby, this is family.

S4

[55:32] My Uncle Tel, who showed his wiener to Cinderella at Disneyland, is family.

[55:37] Do you want him staying with us?

[55:38] He did stay with us for three months.

[55:40] And he was a delight.

[55:44] A new pilot every month, only on Dead Pilots Society, for Maximum Fun.

Dan McCoy

[55:50] Hello.

[55:51] Hope you're enjoying this live episode.

[55:54] Which one is it?

[55:55] I haven't chosen yet, so I don't know.

[55:58] Hey, guys.

[56:00] It's me, your old buddy Dan.

[56:01] Remember me?

[56:02] You just heard me a moment ago on stage.

[56:05] Aren't I a funny guy?

[56:08] Probably not.

[56:09] Probably your Stuart fans.

[56:11] It's fine.

[56:12] No worries.

[56:12] As long as we get those sweet clicks, I don't care.

[56:16] Why am I talking?

[56:17] It's because it's time for ads.

[56:20] And the Flophouse is brought to you in part by Casper.

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[57:21] Terms and conditions apply.

[57:23] Hey, you may have noticed in the middle of that read, you know, I forgot what words were.

[57:28] And you'd think that as a podcaster, that's an important part of my job.

[57:32] No, I'm here to tell you that you can reach close to the tops of your field, the heights.

[57:39] The tops, the heights.

[57:42] You can get pretty far talking the way I do.

[57:47] Hey, also, Z-Man Games has sponsored us this week.

[57:54] And they want you to know about their new game, Pandemic Rapid Response.

[58:01] And it's, hey, you know what?

[58:04] Why do I have to fumble?

[58:05] Why don't I just read the copy?

[58:06] The Flophouse is brought to you in part by Z-Man Games, the makers of Pandemic Rapid Response.

[58:12] Disaster has struck.

[58:14] Oh, no.

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[58:37] Roll dice to create supplies.

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[58:49] Can you save humanity in time?

[58:52] When disaster strikes and the world needs your help, only one elite team can respond.

[58:58] Featuring frantic real-time gameplay with a quick 20-minute playtime.

[59:04] If you're looking for a game that is frantic, this is the game for you.

[59:08] You can increase the difficulty with more city cards and add crisis cards for a new challenge.

[59:13] If you're like, hey, this Pandemic Rapid Response is too easy for me.

[59:17] There's nothing I can do.

[59:19] I'll just throw it out the window.

[59:20] No, sir.

[59:21] Close the window.

[59:22] You can add difficulty with city cards and crisis cards, whatever those do.

[59:27] Hey, find out more about Pandemic Rapid Response at ZMangames.com

[59:32] and grab your copy of the game from a target near you.

[59:39] Hey, guys.

[59:41] There's no Jumbotrons this week.

[59:44] But if you want to get a Jumbotron, go to MaximumFun.org forward slash Jumbotron

[59:51] and you can purchase a personal or a business message.

[59:56] The pricing is different.

[59:57] The business one is more expensive.

[1:00:00] All the details are there.

[1:00:02] I just want to quickly say that there are still tickets available for a couple of our live shows

[1:00:09] coming up on September the 28th.

[1:00:11] We will be in Boston.

[1:00:13] There is an early show that is sold out, the Late Show, at 945.

[1:00:18] Still has tickets available.

[1:00:19] And also further ahead in October the 12th, the Flophouse will be in L.A.

[1:00:25] We've been there before, but Stuart couldn't be there.

[1:00:29] Tickets are selling a little slow.

[1:00:31] And I got to say, it's surprising because this is the first time all three of us will be in the City of Angels.

[1:00:39] If you want more details on these, go to Flophouse Podcast.com slash events.

[1:00:45] There's links to buy tickets and all that you would need.

[1:00:50] But now, back to the show.

[1:00:55] We should move on.

[1:00:56] We don't have a ton of time, but we should do our, we do some question and answers at these live shows.

[1:01:02] We'll try and keep it relatively short.

[1:01:06] But if people have questions, then we've got microphones.

[1:01:11] I was told we have microphones out in the audience, wireless mics.

[1:01:16] I don't know how this works.

[1:01:17] We should bring the house light up a little bit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:19] Dan, I don't know how this works.

[1:01:20] McCoy.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:21] Well, normally we've got a mic in the aisles and people just line up.

[1:01:24] But in this case, we're doing it a little differently.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:26] Well, I'll take a minute then to give my little pre-question and answer talk, which is, one, thank you so much guys for being here.

[1:01:34] We really appreciate it.

[1:01:35] Thank you.

[1:01:37] And we know, thanks very much, we know that you're here because you like us.

[1:01:43] And sometimes people come up and they have a question and first they tell us how much they like us.

[1:01:47] We know you like us.

[1:01:48] You don't have to worry about telling us that.

[1:01:49] Let's leave it unsaid.

[1:01:50] The sweeter things are unsaid sometimes.

[1:01:54] And here's what I like to think before I ever ask a question at a Q&A.

[1:01:57] If I was not me and someone else asked this question, would I care?

[1:02:02] And if the answer is no, I do not ask that question.

[1:02:05] So, you know, I just try to make you the best question askers you can be.

[1:02:10] Because questions, how we learn things.

[1:02:13] And answers, it's what we learn.

[1:02:15] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:16] And learning is the name of the game.

[1:02:17] That's right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:19] Because it's question time.

[1:02:22] Because it's question time.

[1:02:24] And we'll answer questions for you.

[1:02:29] Maybe about dinosaurs.

[1:02:31] Maybe about discount stores.

[1:02:34] Maybe about lots of things that rhyme.

[1:02:39] I don't remember how the rest of the Jurassic Park song goes.

[1:02:43] I don't have any idea.

[1:02:45] Dan, I guess he didn't want to hear me singing or he had to use the bathroom.

[1:02:48] Hey, everyone.

[1:02:49] What's going on?

[1:02:49] Oh, it's Dan McCoy, everybody.

[1:02:51] That was the cheapest way to get applause.

[1:02:52] Just leaving and coming back.

[1:02:55] Hey, remember me?

Dan McCoy

[1:02:58] What an amazing magic trick.

[1:03:01] So, I guess raise your hand if you want to.

[1:03:03] Oh, you got the microphone already.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:07] Nice rocket crocodile shirt.

[1:03:09] Awesome.

[1:03:10] Oh, this is a donor.

[1:03:21] Yeah.

[1:03:21] It's one of the best female rap duos in fictional, non-real history.

[1:03:26] Yeah.

[1:03:27] It got me wondering what kind of fans did you guys perform?

[1:03:31] And what was the highlights of your behind the scenes?

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:34] I mean, I'm a big fan of three-part harmonies.

[1:03:39] Oh, yeah?

[1:03:39] Oh, yeah.

[1:03:40] You want to try one right now?

[1:03:41] No.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:42] I think, well, it's weird because Elliot and Stuart share a lot of taste in music.

[1:03:51] Yeah.

[1:03:52] And Elliot and I share a lot of taste in music.

[1:03:55] But I don't think that Stuart and I share a lot of taste in music.

[1:03:58] That's true.

[1:03:58] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:59] I mean, see, I'm just really into the sounds of Swedish pop princess Robin and Dan can't

[1:04:05] handle her.

[1:04:06] Wait, hold on.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:08] If you love Robin, then maybe that's what we should be doing.

[1:04:10] Okay, we're going to be a Robin.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:11] Yeah, we'll be a Robin, I guess.

[1:04:13] We're just going to cover Robin songs.

[1:04:14] We'll just be Robin.

[1:04:16] Yeah.

[1:04:16] We'll all get in a trench coat.

[1:04:18] I'll get on top of Dan's shoulders.

[1:04:19] Dan will get on Stuart's shoulders.

[1:04:20] And we'll be Robin.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:21] We'll just do weird dances that are kind of great, but you're like, is she a good dancer

[1:04:26] or a really bad dancer?

[1:04:28] You don't know.

[1:04:29] It's a thin line in dance between good and bad.

[1:04:31] Yeah.

[1:04:32] I guess that's the answer.

[1:04:33] Robin dance.

[1:04:33] I guess so, Robin.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:34] Unless, is there a Devo already?

[1:04:36] I think there was a Devo.

[1:04:39] Okay, then never mind.

[1:04:39] We can't be Devo then.

[1:04:40] Okay.

[1:04:41] He said was, though.

[1:04:41] That means there's a void.

[1:04:42] Oh, yeah.

[1:04:43] Okay.

[1:04:44] And void spelled backwards is not Devo, but it's close enough.

[1:04:50] Great question.

[1:04:51] Anyone else?

[1:04:53] Cool.

[1:04:54] Okay.

[1:04:55] So now we just need to narrow it down to all the Bryans in Fort Wayne.

[1:04:59] So, Ellie, you're the same thing.

[1:05:01] You know what?

[1:05:02] You seem to be somewhat serious.

S4

[1:05:05] Is there any other movie probes or anything like that you're really into?

[1:05:08] You did that.

[1:05:10] Do you know?

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:12] Probably.

[1:05:13] I mean, there's certain things, times when I've noticed more.

[1:05:17] Like, there are things that I respond to in movies because they're done well on a technical

[1:05:21] level and I don't think are earned.

[1:05:23] Like, when a song that I have an emotional connection to is used as a background music for a scene

[1:05:28] and it's edited really well, but the movie and the scene are not that good.

[1:05:31] I'm like, don't react to the song.

[1:05:33] Like, this is not fair.

[1:05:35] You're borrowing from that.

[1:05:35] Like, there's a, this is not a movie, it's a TV show, I guess, but there's an episode

[1:05:39] of Stranger Things that ends and then Hazy Shade of Winter, the Bangles version, starts

[1:05:42] playing and I love that song and it's like, Stranger Things, you are not as cool as this

[1:05:47] song.

[1:05:47] Like, that's not fair.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:50] Yeah, I mean, I remember growing up, at least when I was a teenager and any time, like,

[1:05:56] a male character who lived a normal button-down life lost everything and he had to go on

[1:06:01] a cool-ass rampage.

[1:06:03] I thought that was pretty cool and now I'm like, look.

[1:06:05] I love that fantasy.

[1:06:08] Like, hey, why don't you live up your responsibilities, dude?

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:12] Sometimes life isn't great.

[1:06:13] Deal with it.

[1:06:14] You got a lot going for you.

[1:06:15] And I'll have to go with nudity.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:20] When I was 13, for some reason, it really affected me a lot more than it does now.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:27] Nowadays, you're like, seen it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:30] Wake me up when there's a new body part.

[1:06:35] I guess there's something about movies.

[1:06:38] I'll just say this is, I used to be really into movies where there's like a super cool,

[1:06:42] tough guy.

[1:06:42] He's real quiet, silent.

[1:06:44] He's really good at killing people.

[1:06:45] You're Boba Fett's and whatnot.

[1:06:46] And now I'm like, I don't like that anymore.

[1:06:48] I'm like, it's not cool to kill people.

[1:06:50] Like, that's not okay.

[1:06:53] Also, I realized that Boba Fett is the worst character in Star Wars, pretty much.

[1:06:56] Since he's like, he's like, I'm really cool.

[1:06:58] I'm really cool.

[1:06:59] And then a blind guy knocks him into a pit with a stick.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:03] Yeah, I mean, it's all posturing.

[1:07:05] And his strength is based on perceived strength.

[1:07:08] Yes.

[1:07:08] As soon as somebody stands up against him, he crumbles like a bully.

[1:07:12] Yeah, he's just called bully Fett.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:15] Next question.

[1:07:16] That was a good question.

S4

[1:07:18] So, a couple of episodes, the Truth or Dare episode, Elliot kind of possibly mentioned

[1:07:24] the prospect of having to save his father from some sort of weird stupid role-ring.

[1:07:30] I want to know, like, what would be your pitches for you have to save your father from some weird

[1:07:35] father thing?

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:36] It's kind of weird since my father's in the audience.

S4

[1:07:40] And who would play your father in that movie?

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:43] And who would play the father?

[1:07:44] I mean, for me, my dad would be played by Richard Dreyfuss because they look almost identical.

[1:07:48] And when I was a kid, he looked at, he asked, what about Bob era Richard Dreyfuss and my

[1:07:52] dad are almost identical?

[1:07:54] And, I mean, they've both aged since then.

[1:07:56] But if I had to save my dad from something, I mean, I'd like to save him from buying expensive

[1:08:01] bicycles because that's kind of what he does.

[1:08:04] Or spending all of my inheritance on his new kitchen.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:07] My dad, of course, would be being attacked by the members of his favorite band, Manhattan

[1:08:11] Transfer.

[1:08:13] And Dan, who are the members of that band?

[1:08:15] There's Gary.

[1:08:17] Okay.

[1:08:18] And Larry.

[1:08:19] And Perry.

[1:08:22] And Harry.

[1:08:24] And who would play your dad?

[1:08:26] That's a good question.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:28] Your dad strikes me as like a Frank Oz type.

[1:08:30] Frank Oz?

[1:08:31] Yeah.

[1:08:31] Or like a Sam Watterson.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:32] I don't know.

[1:08:33] He's aged very well.

[1:08:35] He's a dapper man.

[1:08:36] I'll say that about my dad.

[1:08:38] That's the only thing I'll say about him.

[1:08:39] The late Bill Hickey?

[1:08:40] I don't know.

[1:08:41] That may sound like I'm like the one thing I'll say nice about my dad as he's aged well.

[1:08:47] He's a wonderful, wonderful person.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:49] My dad looks like me, but a little older.

[1:08:53] So I guess Kurt Russell.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:56] Now I'm scanning the crowd to see if I can.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:59] Where's Kurt Russell?

[1:09:00] Is he here?

[1:09:01] And I don't know.

[1:09:02] I feel like it would be some kind of like fishing trip fiasco.

[1:09:06] That's a good title.

[1:09:08] I guess if it's like a Mickey Mouse.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:09] The Hardy Boys and the fishing trip fiasco.

[1:09:11] Yeah.

[1:09:11] I mean, I think it writes itself, right?

[1:09:14] James Bond and too many donkeys.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:17] Idris Elba is James Bond in too many donkeys.

[1:09:20] What's the problem, man?

[1:09:22] Look around you.

[1:09:23] There's so many donkeys here.

[1:09:25] This is a callback to an earlier episode, so I apologize to anyone.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:27] That's such an explicit title too, because normally the James Bond titles don't list the problem in the title.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:33] No, usually it is some crazy made up phrase that they have to shoehorn into a film.

[1:09:38] When they're like, I guess the bad thing is called Goldeneye for some reason.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:44] Okay, another question.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:46] Is there another one?

[1:09:46] Where's that microphone?

[1:09:47] Microphone's in the back.

[1:09:48] Yeah, one in the back.

[1:09:49] Oh, okay.

S4

[1:09:50] Hello, I'm Monica, last name is help.

[1:09:52] In the spirit of the movie, if you could have raised a horror movie monster or creature from birth to trust you, what monster would that be?

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:02] It's kind of hard not to have a Godzilla.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:07] I mean, you can't, man.

[1:10:09] The world is your oyster.

[1:10:10] I don't understand why you're...

[1:10:10] The what?

[1:10:11] I said the world is your oyster.

[1:10:12] You can have all the baby Godzillas you want.

[1:10:15] Yeah, yeah.

[1:10:16] I mean, the problem with Godzilla is you've got to feed it at a certain point.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:19] So maybe like, I don't know.

[1:10:22] Maybe it could be like the end of Ginger Snaps 2, when that girl essentially has a werewolf that she keeps as a pet.

[1:10:29] You want to raise a werewolf?

[1:10:30] No, because it's really a person most of the time.

[1:10:32] A werewolf is a human.

[1:10:33] A werewolf cup is just...

[1:10:34] It means having a little kid bitten by a werewolf.

[1:10:36] I don't like that.

[1:10:38] I was thinking the other day...

[1:10:38] It says a man with two kids.

[1:10:41] Yeah.

[1:10:41] So I got another one of these.

[1:10:43] No more.

[1:10:44] Well, I was thinking...

[1:10:44] The other day I was telling my wife about how horrible it would be if you had a baby vampire.

[1:10:48] Because it's a baby forever.

[1:10:50] And it keeps you up all night.

[1:10:54] Because that's the only time it's awake.

[1:10:55] Because that's the only time it's awake.

[1:10:56] And it sucks blood.

[1:10:58] So I guess don't let babies get...

[1:11:01] Mamas, don't let your babies get bitten by vampires.

[1:11:06] What about you guys?

[1:11:06] What would you grow?

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:07] I don't know.

[1:11:08] Probably like one of those blobs.

[1:11:10] Like a blob.

[1:11:11] Okay.

[1:11:13] You know.

[1:11:14] Because they get real big.

[1:11:16] And if I ever have junk that I don't want anymore, just toss it in the fucking blob.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:19] Toss it in the blob.

[1:11:20] I don't want to finish this hot dog.

[1:11:22] Toss it in the blob.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:23] Wow.

[1:11:24] Not a good impression of me.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:28] Dan?

[1:11:29] I don't know.

[1:11:30] Maybe like a xenomorph.

[1:11:31] But xenomorphs grow up so fast these days.

[1:11:33] Oh, they do.

[1:11:34] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:35] And their kisses can be deadly.

[1:11:38] And it's like causing trouble.

[1:11:39] And you're like, I carried you in my belly.

[1:11:43] I'm dead, actually.

[1:11:44] I'm dead, Val.

[1:11:47] All right.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:50] Hi.

[1:11:51] Ben, last name was held.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:52] I assume your last name is Ten.

[1:11:54] Ben Ten.

S4

[1:11:55] The hit cartoon show.

[1:11:57] So great to be back on the show after being mentioned in somebody else's letter not by name.

[1:12:01] Four years ago.

[1:12:02] Hi.

[1:12:02] Great to be that.

[1:12:03] Wow.

[1:12:04] So.

[1:12:05] In high school I got into really hard to accept film.

[1:12:10] The artsier the better.

[1:12:11] And I had to show one time a room of teens, Gus Van Zandt and Jerry, where people walk and

[1:12:17] don't talk.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:18] You had to show a room of teens, Jerry?

S4

[1:12:20] Yeah.

[1:12:21] It was a condition of a curse.

[1:12:22] Were you cursed?

[1:12:23] Yeah.

[1:12:23] It felt important to me at the time as somebody who had put the time into watching the movie

[1:12:27] so I needed them to do it too.

[1:12:28] Okay.

[1:12:29] Have you had experiences though where you sat through a whole movie just knowing the whole

[1:12:34] room was hating it?

[1:12:35] It was because of you showing them the movie?

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:38] I mean, I used to host a screening series in Manhattan, so I had that experience many

[1:12:42] times.

[1:12:43] I once showed the movie The Landlord, which is a great movie, Hal Ashby's The Landlord

[1:12:47] with Bow Bridges, to a room full of people.

[1:12:50] And the tension in the room after it was over was so thick.

[1:12:52] I was like, wow, this movie did not go over well.

[1:12:55] It really made these people feel bad about kicking poor people out of the neighborhoods

[1:12:58] they live in now.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:00] I do a horror movie night in my apartment every October.

[1:13:06] I've done it for more than a decade now.

[1:13:07] What's the name of that month?

[1:13:09] What?

[1:13:09] It's called Shocktober, Dan.

[1:13:11] I was just correcting you.

[1:13:13] And one time I made the mistake of showing Brain Damage, which is a movie that I like, but

[1:13:18] is very much a, you have to be a very hardcore horror fan for that.

[1:13:23] Because there is a scene, it has a evil worm creature, and there is a scene where the worm

[1:13:30] comes out of a man's fly, and a prostitute is giving the worm head, and things don't turn

[1:13:36] out so well.

[1:13:39] And they were going so well up until that point.

[1:13:42] And I was like, maybe I shouldn't have shown this to a crowd.

[1:13:46] Maybe this is not a thing that...

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:47] It's not like you exposed a very personal part of your personality.

[1:13:50] It's not like a thing I want to be associated with, necessarily.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:53] Your Holiness, Orphans.

[1:13:54] I'm sorry this is the movie I chose.

[1:13:57] I know how rare it is that I get to host one of these papal movie screenings for orphans.

[1:14:01] I thought you guys were cool.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:04] I remember showing at a bar, not my current bar, but at a bar, I showed, did a screening

[1:14:12] of Big Trouble in Old China.

[1:14:14] And the audience was a lot of younger people.

[1:14:17] No offense to any young people in the audience.

[1:14:18] But that's a movie where, like, I think it's really fun, but if, like, taken out of

[1:14:23] context, it didn't seem very racist and offensive.

[1:14:26] Even in context.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:28] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:29] Yeah, you're right.

[1:14:31] But, yeah, it didn't go over well.

[1:14:33] And I was like, but I like this movie.

[1:14:36] Well, you've got to understand.

[1:14:37] Buy drinks from me, please.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:39] Is the mic somewhere?

[1:14:40] Oh, there.

[1:14:41] A hush fell over the crowd.

[1:14:42] A new question answered.

[1:14:44] Or entered.

S4

[1:14:44] And was answered.

[1:14:45] Tyler left me in the house.

[1:14:47] I've lived in Indiana my entire life.

[1:14:49] It seems daylight savings time is so very big.

[1:14:53] I think we only adopted it 12 years ago.

[1:14:56] So, is there anything I can do tonight to stop the time-dumbed?

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:00] Very good question.

[1:15:02] Yes, it is daylight savings time tonight.

[1:15:05] Everyone's got to fall back.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:06] This was a question that we insisted somebody ask because we needed everybody to know that

[1:15:11] daylight savings time happens tonight.

[1:15:13] The public service announcement.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:14] I think the most important thing to remember is let's try to get through it, you know?

[1:15:20] Just try to keep living your life.

[1:15:22] Because you're going to want it to be 9 o'clock and it's going to be 10 o'clock.

[1:15:27] And sometimes you just got to put up with anything.

[1:15:29] You know?

[1:15:30] Life isn't fair sometimes, Dan.

[1:15:32] Dan, it's not your fault.

[1:15:33] It's not your fault.

[1:15:34] It's not your fault, Dan.

[1:15:38] And I think we just made a breakthrough.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:42] I think we can do two more questions and then we've got to get out of here.

[1:15:45] So, is there a mic?

[1:15:47] Is there a mic?

Dan McCoy

[1:15:50] Okay.

S4

[1:15:52] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:54] Okay.

[1:15:55] Hold on.

[1:15:55] Don't say me, Dan and Elliot.

[1:15:57] Oh.

[1:15:58] This is...

S4

[1:15:58] Go on.

[1:16:00] Dan and Brian from Nothing But Trouble.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:04] Wait.

[1:16:04] Who from Nothing But Trouble?

[1:16:05] Dan Ecklund.

[1:16:06] Oh.

[1:16:06] Okay.

[1:16:07] The judge.

[1:16:08] Okay.

[1:16:09] So, kill.

[1:16:10] Yes.

S4

[1:16:12] Oh, wait.

[1:16:13] Who was the middle one?

[1:16:14] The middle one was It's Weekend.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:16] Okay.

[1:16:17] It's Weekend.

[1:16:17] Oh, man.

[1:16:18] So, Elliot, can you explain all these three things?

[1:16:20] Okay.

[1:16:21] Nothing But Trouble is the worst film ever made.

[1:16:24] It's a Dan Aykroyd joint wherein a group of yuppies from the city go to a small town in

[1:16:30] Pennsylvania and an evil judge wants to feed them to a roller coaster that chews your skin

[1:16:34] off and spits your bones out.

[1:16:36] And also, the digital undergrounder in one scene?

[1:16:39] It's very bad.

[1:16:40] It's very bad.

[1:16:40] So, I would kill Dan Aykroyd's judge character.

[1:16:42] Dex Dogtective is, of course, the hero of Food Fight.

[1:16:45] He is a dog who is also Humphrey Bogart, who is voiced by Charlie Sheen.

[1:16:49] And he is solving the mystery of the missing food mascots.

[1:16:52] Him, I would, of course, have sex with.

[1:16:54] And the Dweegans are lovable little imps that are hideous to look at, but really helpful

[1:17:00] to have around.

[1:17:01] So, I would marry that Dweegan.

[1:17:02] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:02] And they also have access to a lot of gold, right?

[1:17:05] Yeah.

[1:17:05] And that's the meaning you get financial security at that point.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:08] Yeah, yeah.

[1:17:08] And also, donuts are like vegetables to them.

[1:17:11] So, that would help me in some way.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:14] This was the purest gibberish to most of the people listening.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:19] I mean, we saw those movies and it was still pretty gibberish-y.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:23] Yeah, no, I agree with your assessment.

[1:17:26] You put it better than I could in a million years.

[1:17:28] I mean, thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:29] If I could kill the movie, nothing but trouble.

[1:17:31] So, it, like, never existed, I'd be okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:34] I think we did advocate taking it out from Netflix and breaking the DVD and not returning

[1:17:41] it.

[1:17:43] Fair.

[1:17:43] A fair point.

[1:17:44] Yeah.

[1:17:45] One last question, if it exists, if not.

S4

[1:17:48] I'm Matthew.

[1:17:49] No.

[1:17:50] Dan, my wife is the one directing Much Ado About Nothing.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:53] Oh, no.

[1:17:54] She says up yours, too.

[1:17:56] Whoa.

[1:17:58] No.

[1:17:58] I assume that you've gone on a different night.

[1:18:03] Gotcha.

S4

[1:18:04] Good.

[1:18:05] Because of Jurassic World and the casting of Ted Levine, what actor do you pick?

[1:18:11] That Hollywood should stop casting to play characters who will betray you shortly after?

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:17] Oh, that's a good one.

[1:18:18] Oh, yeah.

[1:18:18] There's so many actors that have the stink of evil on them and know instantly that they're

[1:18:23] going to be the one who does it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:24] I mean, Ed Harris is not, has a criminal cast about him.

[1:18:29] Or like Max von Sydow.

[1:18:30] Like, if Max von Sydow shows up in the credits, you're like, there's a villain in the movie?

Dan McCoy

[1:18:36] Yeah.

[1:18:37] I think that James Woods is pretty unemployable now because of his political beliefs.

[1:18:41] But James Woods, you know, if he shows up in the movie as a, like, the vice president,

[1:18:47] you're like, all right, well, you murdered someone.

[1:18:51] Yeah.

[1:18:52] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:52] I think Peter Sarsgaard fits into that category, too.

[1:18:55] Yeah.

[1:18:55] It's like, oh, okay, this guy has, this guy's thinking bad thoughts all the time.

[1:18:59] Maybe he's not the hero of this movie.

[1:19:01] Unless, what, Chattered Glass, is he the hero of that?

[1:19:05] I think you're thinking of a different Sarsgaard?

Dan McCoy

[1:19:08] Oh, maybe I'm thinking of a different Sarsgaard.

[1:19:09] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:10] No, no, not Stellan Sarsgaard.

[1:19:11] He's great.

[1:19:12] I don't know.

[1:19:13] He should be everyone's dad in every movie.

[1:19:14] There's like a Sarsgaard, there's a Sarsgaard, there's...

[1:19:17] There's Scotchgard.

[1:19:19] And there's Wrightgard.

[1:19:20] Yeah.

[1:19:21] I think, here's the thing.

[1:19:23] If a character's played a villain in a movie, we're all going to assume they're playing

[1:19:26] a villain again.

[1:19:27] It's unfair, but it's what's going to happen.

[1:19:30] I don't control it.

[1:19:32] Unless, who's someone who's played a villain and then played a hero and it's like, yeah, you're

[1:19:35] a hero now?

[1:19:36] I mean, other than William Powell, who of course in the silent era often played villains,

[1:19:39] but is best known today as either My Man Godfrey or Nick Charles, the two greatest heroes in

[1:19:43] the history of cinema.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:45] I feel like you deserve extra credit for answering your own questions.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:49] I would be the worst professor, because I'd be one of those ones who's like, and what is

[1:19:54] the chemical makeup of riboflavin?

[1:19:58] Yes, of course, R2796, or whatever.

[1:20:01] I mean, I would be the worst professor of chemistry because I don't know anything about it.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:05] I mean, that is kind of what professors do.

[1:20:09] They do give the answers while they're lecturing.

[1:20:11] I mean, they're not like, and I'm keeping that a secret for just me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:19] That's for me to know and you to find out.

[1:20:21] Hoo-hoo!

Dan McCoy

[1:20:22] And you disappear as if someone had said your name backwards.

[1:20:28] Well, we brought it back around to college.

[1:20:30] That means we should wrap things up.

[1:20:33] Big finish, Dan.

[1:20:34] Thank you to Earlham for having us.

[1:20:36] Yeah.

[1:20:37] Back.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:38] Thank you to the audience for coming.

[1:20:40] Thank you to Earlham College.

[1:20:41] Thank you for everybody here for making this a great visit.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:44] Yeah, this has been super exciting for me and I think Dan, and probably Elliot, to get to

[1:20:49] come to Earlham and do a show.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:51] It's been exciting for me to see where it all started, where Dan met Stewart.

[1:20:54] And I noticed there was no plaque on the building where it happened.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:59] All right, guys.

[1:21:00] Thank you so much.

[1:21:01] I've been Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:02] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:21:03] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:21:04] You don't know me.

[1:21:04] I'm not from here.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:05] Good night.

[1:21:06] Bye.

[1:21:22] That riff was approximately as successful as Earlham's football team.

[1:21:26] Whoa.

[1:21:26] Oh.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:28] But they just won our game.

[1:21:29] Oh, did Dan just tap?

[1:21:34] We're not recording this part.

[1:21:36] Like, they can see us, Stuart.

[1:21:38] Oh, okay.

[1:21:39] Okay.

[1:21:40] When I say it later, you guys got to totally crack up.

[1:21:42] Yeah.

S4

[1:21:45] MaximumFun.org.

S5

[1:21:46] Comedy and culture.

[1:21:48] Artist owned.

[1:21:49] Audience supported.

Ep.# 291 - Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom LIVE

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