Ep. #295 - The Nun

[0:00] On this episode of the Flaphouse, we discuss..

[0:03] The Nun!

[0:04] Boo, spooky!

[0:07] eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

[0:30] oomf

[0:31] ooummn

[0:33] oooooooooimat

[0:38] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flaphouse!

[0:43] My name's Dan McCoy.

[0:45] Wait Dan, why are you so operatic today?

[0:47] Oh uh, I was crying for

[0:49] Uh

[0:50] ghoulish-ness and uh

[0:51] and

[0:52] and

[0:53] tissue tingles up the spine

[0:54] Oh I guess your voice is just too beautiful

[0:56] cuz all aluh

[0:57] All I felt was that you were a beautiful baso-profundo

[1:00] Hey Dan

[1:01] I'm pretty profound

[1:02] Dan, do you wanna introduce yourself again so Elliot can step on it?

[1:04] Okay, I'm Dan McCoy

[1:07] Oh, oh wow, okay, you got through it

[1:09] Uh, I'm Stuart Wellington

[1:11] I'm Elliot Caaaaaaaylin

[1:13] Doesn't, no, it didn't work for me either

[1:14] I couldn't get spooky there

[1:16] You should've said Elliot Kiiiiiillin

[1:19] and then maybe

[1:20] Uh, last time I did that, Dan, I was thrown in jail

[1:23] for being too cool

[1:26] Oh wow

[1:27] The judge at kids court's pretty rough nowadays

[1:30] Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, he's a hanging judge

[1:32] Oh wow, that makes sense

[1:34] I mean, it's all on the payroll

[1:36] Um, we call this thing we're doing the Flophouse

[1:39] We call it that, other people also call it that

[1:41] cuz that's its name

[1:42] The Flophouse, where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it

[1:45] And the reason for this season

[1:47] Yup, we're in the most blessed season

[1:51] Shocktober

[1:53] Where we used to say we watch slightly more horror movies than normal

[1:57] Now they've pretty much all been corralled this Shocktober

[1:59] We don't actually usually watch any

[2:01] I come to Dan, DVD in hand, and I say

[2:04] Please, Dan, I know it's June

[2:07] But can we maybe call it, uh, June?

[2:10] Scary June, or something, and watch a horror movie?

[2:13] And I pull out my cat-o-nine-tails and I say

[2:15] String him up against the main mast

[2:18] Oh wow

[2:19] I'm in Los Angeles, so I'm not witness to any of this

[2:22] So I'm just gonna take it at your guys' word

[2:25] That this is what happens when I'm not around there anymore

[2:27] Can the sailors who whip me be skeletons or ghost sailors?

[2:32] And I say, only half-skeletons

[2:35] Oh wow

[2:35] Wait, so like skeletons from the waist down? What does that mean?

[2:38] Man, man, the ultimate fantasy

[2:40] Either that, or half of them are humans and half of them are skeletons

[2:44] You can choose whichever you prefer

[2:46] So like, half, so I split down the middle?

[2:49] Yeah

[2:50] No, you want, I think that's the thing

[2:52] I've been reading a lot of romantic advice columns in magazines

[2:59] And I've come to determine that the perfect man is a skeleton on the upper half

[3:05] And the bottom half is all fleshy with a fleshy wiener and stuff

[3:08] Skeleton in the streets, a wiener in the sheets

[3:12] So why a skeleton on the top?

[3:15] That's, I'm trying, I don't know that much

[3:17] I just know that, like, I only know the results

[3:19] I don't know what led us to that point

[3:21] Yeah, well, what is the, I'm confused about the results

[3:24] I'm guessing it has something to do with hair?

[3:31] I don't know, we'll get to it

[3:32] Okay, the musical?

[3:34] Dan, stop bringing up the fact that you were in a college production of Hair

[3:37] We know, you brought it up many times

[3:38] I lit up the stage

[3:41] Okay, so this can all go in the garbage

[3:43] With fire

[3:44] So, okay, so on this podcast

[3:47] We watch a bad movie, then we talk about it

[3:49] Dan's right, or maybe Stuart's right

[3:52] In the olden days, it feels like you used to watch more horror movies

[3:54] Back when we just selected our movie

[3:56] The Day Of at Dan's apartment

[3:58] Based on the running time

[4:00] Because we'd start watching around eight

[4:02] And start recording the show around 10.30

[4:04] And we would often decide if we were going to even do the podcast

[4:08] Basically the day of or day before

[4:10] It was a number of years before we started scheduling ahead

[4:15] You know, back in the olden days

[4:17] Podcasting, that kind of erratic nonsense

[4:21] Was much more tolerated

[4:23] You know, like the early days of Saturday Night Live

[4:25] When people were running through the halls doing cocaine or whatever

[4:27] Unlike the current era

[4:29] Where all the sketches are bad

[4:31] And nobody, well, everybody

[4:33] I guess everybody pays attention to it now

[4:35] I don't fucking know

[4:37] Wow, okay, hot take on Saturday Night Live

[4:40] Anyway, so Shocktober

[4:42] This is when we watch horror movies, right Dan?

[4:45] How would you define a horror movie?

[4:47] And then Stuart, I want to know, how would you define a horror movie?

[4:49] A horror movie

[4:51] Is one that is meant to elicit

[4:53] In the simplest terms

[4:55] Horror in the viewer

[4:57] Whether that be

[4:59] Sort of a

[5:01] Jump scare type horror

[5:03] Like a startlement

[5:05] Or sort of an existential dread

[5:09] Wow, okay

[5:11] I would say it has to have

[5:14] One or more killings

[5:18] Okay

[5:20] So

[5:22] Okay

[5:24] One plus killings

[5:28] Right

[5:30] Interesting

[5:32] So I think we have it hammered out

[5:34] Elliot, does this match up with your notes?

[5:36] Does that mean, so would that

[5:38] So Clue would technically be a horror movie?

[5:40] Elliot, I didn't agree to more than one question

[5:44] Sorry, I forgot you said no follow-ups

[5:46] When we started this press conference

[5:48] Stuart is currently

[5:50] Standing in front of the loud turbines of Air Force One

[5:52] Only one

[5:54] And I answered it accurately

[5:56] So let's move on

[5:58] So yeah, so we watched a movie

[6:00] Now normally on this show we watch a bad movie

[6:02] A movie that either was

[6:04] A critical flop or a financial flop

[6:06] And this, I guess, qualifies as a critical flop

[6:08] Because it was not a financial flop

[6:10] It made a shitload of money

[6:12] This is like the highest grossing movie of the Conjuring franchise

[6:14] A juggernaut of

[6:16] Okay horror movies

[6:18] Now I'm

[6:20] Super unfamiliar with the Conjuring franchise

[6:22] So you guys are going to have to help me

[6:24] With what little easter eggs are in there

[6:26] For the dedicated viewer

[6:28] I mean, can I quickly like

[6:30] Outline the

[6:32] Take us through the Conjuring

[6:34] So somebody conjures

[6:36] Something

[6:38] I know that much

[6:41] So the Conjuring

[6:43] I don't remember

[6:45] See, I saw the Conjuring

[6:47] Okay, let's start at first principles

[6:49] You saw the Conjuring

[6:51] It had been getting

[6:53] Very good reviews

[6:55] As kind of a return to a classic

[6:57] Haunted house movie

[6:59] With sort of a few slow burn scares

[7:01] Do you love any kind of burn?

[7:03] David Byrne

[7:05] You went to see David Byrne's show

[7:07] It was excellent

[7:10] Oh wow, he doesn't want his opinions to get out

[7:12] Everyone knows I love David Byrne

[7:14] But I'm just trying to keep this train rolling

[7:16] No, but like

[7:18] I saw it

[7:20] In the worst way to see a horror movie

[7:22] Which is a drive-in theater

[7:24] Now you might think, oh that's the best way

[7:26] Because it's such a creepy atmosphere

[7:28] But so many horror movies are shot so darkly

[7:30] And at a drive-in

[7:32] You've got a lot of, you know, ambient light

[7:34] That's going on the screen

[7:36] And the projectionist usually does not

[7:39] Pump up the lightbulb and the projector

[7:41] To compensate

[7:43] So I was seeing a whole bunch of mud on screen

[7:45] Basically when I was watching The Conjuring

[7:47] Plus you had to deal with the worst part of that

[7:49] Being with some babe who wanted to do it with you

[7:51] When you're just trying to watch this movie

[7:53] You know

[7:55] Pretty like sitting on a roof

[7:57] Sucking on a chili dog

[7:59] Roof of a car, not roof of a house

[8:01] That would be Monster Squad

[8:03] Yeah, no

[8:05] So all I know is

[8:08] So what do you know about The Conjuring?

[8:10] The Conjuring is about paranormal investigators

[8:12] We heard you screed against drive-in theaters

[8:14] You didn't really tell us much about The Conjuring

[8:18] So it's about paranormal investigators

[8:20] Ed and Lorraine Warren

[8:22] Who are real people

[8:24] Yeah, they were a couple of real frauds

[8:26] Yeah, a couple of real frauds

[8:28] I don't know whether

[8:30] Is that their actual name or did it get changed

[8:32] That was the only thing

[8:34] I think it's real

[8:36] The Twitter account

[8:38] 41strange

[8:40] That posts weird photos of stuff

[8:42] Posted a picture of Lorraine Warren

[8:44] Holding the original Annabelle doll

[8:46] Which is just a raggedy Ann doll yesterday

[8:48] So yeah

[8:50] I guess it's a plug for my Twitter

[8:52] Twitter feed

[8:54] Basically they're paranormal investigators

[8:56] And

[8:58] Once again

[9:00] Let's clarify they're frauds

[9:02] In the world of the movie

[9:05] In the world of The Conjuring

[9:07] Now I love this new character of Stuart Fact Checker

[9:09] Where every movie

[9:11] So in Godzilla King of the Monsters

[9:13] Stuart's like let's just be clear

[9:15] Not a real monster

[9:17] I feel like it's a little different

[9:19] When we're talking about real life people

[9:21] Who I'm assuming hurt a lot of people

[9:23] By being frauds

[9:25] Were they the Amityville horror people

[9:27] Yes

[9:29] And I believe that

[9:31] The Amityville story is retold in The Conjuring 2

[9:34] Is that correct

[9:36] Yeah I've actually only seen the first one

[9:38] And it's fine

[9:40] I believe the second one they're investigating

[9:42] Some sort of electric boogaloo

[9:44] Oh okay

[9:46] Or a secret of the ooze

[9:48] Those are the two options

[9:50] The whole point though

[9:52] It might have been a new batch

[9:54] The point of all this is to say

[9:56] We also know way down

[9:58] That they were on the move

[10:00] Yeah

[10:00] but this is all to say that in the habit i don't know what i think i have a

[10:03] hard right

[10:04] that's good for the nine that's perfect

[10:07] now but the point of all this is

[10:09] you don't actually need to know any of it

[10:10] because this movie only ties in

[10:13] to those characters at the very end spoiler alert and

[10:17] you don't need any foreknowledge of the none the none of the character that

[10:20] showed up in one of the other country movies to i think

[10:23] yeah and this is the origin story for that uh... bill that's where it is

[10:27] it's kind of the origin story but it's also kind of not the origin story so

[10:31] why don't we dive into

[10:32] the nun and before anyone can remember this is the one for the conjuring series

[10:36] it's not one of the many other horror movies called the nun

[10:40] the nun story

[10:41] the movie from the nineteen what

[10:43] sixties fifties thanks for asking i don't know if it

[10:47] so

[10:48] the movie starts

[10:50] uh... well it starts with a couple of bunch of scenes from one of the other

[10:53] country movies they're just gonna thrown on screen real fast in a montage

[10:56] but for the most part wherein it's nineteen fifty-two that's right

[10:59] everybody nineteen fifty-two

[11:02] eisenhower's about to be elected president everybody's doing the lindy

[11:05] hopped and people can't get enough of chili fries

[11:09] is that is that uh... that's

[11:11] all facts based on romania in nineteen fifty two yeah

[11:14] oh that's right we're in Romania

[11:17] and i have to say that uh...

[11:19] because i did not know anything about the nun

[11:21] walking into it i assumed that like the rest of the conjuring universe it would be

[11:26] taking place in the seventies

[11:27] so for a long time i made a made a big spread of food for the seventies

[11:33] it was all deviled eggs

[11:35] some polyester bell bottoms and fondue

[11:40] no the whole point of what i'm saying is that for the longest time i thought we

[11:42] were in a flashback i thought that we were gonna

[11:45] flash forward technically we are in a flashback dan since

[11:47] the movie opens with the legend on the screen in nineteen fifty-two

[11:51] and that's not this year so it is kind of a flashback

[11:56] and i can understand how you missed that moment where they identified the year

[11:59] the movie was taking place

[12:00] we're in Romania

[12:01] there's this abbey in Romania it's haunted by an evil spirit that needs a

[12:05] human host

[12:06] and it gets loose

[12:08] and a nun kills herself rather than host it

[12:10] and i think that's just being a bad hostess

[12:13] have you ever had people coming to your house and you kill yourself

[12:16] rather than show them a good time

[12:18] i would say that's a party foul what do you guys think

[12:22] well i mean is foul a pun?

[12:26] i'm very conflict-averse

[12:29] so i can see that being like a possible option for me rather than causing a fuss

[12:33] than just be like

[12:34] i'm gonna opt out of the situation

[12:37] uh... of course i had no way want to make fun of suicide but it's it's the

[12:40] movie happens it's like

[12:42] the movie it's like the movie's like

[12:44] here's the star of your movie psych this character's not important anymore

[12:48] yeah and i mean i guess they're trying to point out that like the evil of the

[12:51] nun is so terrifying that uh... a nun that a uh...

[12:55] a nun would commit a mortal sin by taking her own life

[12:59] she would rather go to hell for ending her life than

[13:03] be the hostess

[13:04] for this thing again

[13:06] as god says in the bible the ultimate party foul

[13:08] uh... we go to vatican city where father burke

[13:11] we meet he's a priest detective who investigates

[13:14] miracles and exorcism and things like that played by damien bashir yeah he's a real hunk

[13:20] he's not even and then there's a double hunk in this movie because there's

[13:22] another handsome guy shows up and we also are you talking about michael smiley

[13:26] playing a evil like catholic priest guy

[13:29] oh no that's not what i was talking about

[13:32] i was going to say because michael smiley is a lot of things but i don't know if i would

[13:35] definitely call him a hunk well maybe technically

[13:38] you know what i think it falls under the technical definition

[13:41] of at least one ab

[13:44] so father burke he's going to be he's going to investigate

[13:47] this surprising incident at the abbey

[13:49] and he's gonna be teamed up with sister irene

[13:52] a young novitiate she hasn't yet taken her vows as a nun yet

[13:56] we meet her she's the kind of young nun who questions things

[13:59] she doesn't just

[14:00] take the immediate orthodoxy she even tells

[14:04] one of her

[14:04] orphans students i'm not sure

[14:07] uh... that some things in the bible aren't literally true

[14:10] now dan i know you're kind of an evangelical how did you feel about that

[14:13] uh...

[14:14] i'm not i although i grew up christian it was a uh... it was a very sort of

[14:18] liberal

[14:20] uh... uh... uh... sect

[14:22] it's not a sect i don't know

[14:24] when dan

[14:25] so i know you grew up you went to catholic school right when you were at

[14:27] father o'malley's uh... school were the nuns as mean as people say

[14:31] protestant never had any

[14:33] uh... direct contact with nuns they've always seemed

[14:36] nice from a distance when i see them around new york from time to time but

[14:40] that's about all i know

[14:42] or you see them like flying around right

[14:44] yeah and they're flying nuns or you know the nonsense they get into is such crazy

[14:48] nonsense but uh... i also want to say

[14:50] i don't think you said that the uh...

[14:52] novitiate

[14:55] is that how you say it

[14:56] uh...

[14:57] sister irene just call her sister irene played by tessa farm for me uh... who's

[15:01] uh... the sister to vera farmiga who

[15:03] is uh... one of the stars of the conjuring

[15:06] series

[15:07] it's they're keeping it in the family yeah

[15:10] it's a real family affair

[15:11] uh...

[15:12] jim or

[15:14] uh...

[15:15] all in the family uh...

[15:18] i guess it's that and we're seeing their family ties uh... and their family

[15:22] matters

[15:23] now can we uh... all families are made of matter but uh...

[15:27] but he's a positive some sort of anti-matter family

[15:31] that would be where stephon or cal is the neighbor that's uh... that's family

[15:35] anti-matters

[15:37] if the family from family matters and the family from family anti-matters met

[15:41] would they explode and destroy each other yes that's

[15:44] yeah that's what uh... movie physics have told me at least

[15:49] yeah we have so it's a real time cop type scenario so anyway

[15:52] time cop is going to investigate this mystery just kidding it's father berk and

[15:56] sister irene so they go to romania it's this backwards local village

[15:59] the locals they never speak of the abbey it is classic

[16:03] movie spooky stuff

[16:05] nobody even sees the nuns

[16:06] their supplies are delivered by one man a french canadian that they call

[16:10] frenchie i don't remember what his character name was or the actor

[16:13] he's never even seen the nuns he just leaves their goods by the back door

[16:17] he's the one who found this nun's body and buried it

[16:20] he explains that the abbey was hit

[16:22] by a bomb during a bombing raid in world war two which ended seven years

[16:25] previously

[16:26] uh... but nobody's talked to any of the nuns in years

[16:30] when they go there he shows them

[16:32] that on the body there was a weird key of some kind who was split because it

[16:36] can't spell spooky without key that's right

[16:39] and he uh... or spook

[16:41] i mean we'll get we'll get to you okay good point or spoo

[16:46] well i mean we'll probably really dig into this character frenchie later but

[16:50] i think it speaks to uh... kind of his values that he didn't just steal that

[16:54] key you know he left it with the body

[16:56] yeah yeah

[16:57] and he uh...

[16:58] but then do they bury the body together he already buried it

[17:01] uh... he did not bury it he stuffed it in the like ice ice house he put it in

[17:06] oh that's right to preserve it

[17:08] to keep it for later in case he has to eat it i guess he saw the body lying

[17:12] there on the steps and blood everywhere and then he's like

[17:15] we gotta put this

[17:16] on ice and then he put sunglasses on

[17:18] and then the guitar started playing

[17:23] it was some kind of knock off who song it was called who is you

[17:29] who goes there

[17:30] it would be pretty funny if he put on sunglasses then

[17:32] who can it be now

[17:35] started playing

[17:37] they're like this is what we could afford i'm sorry it's the nun

[17:40] this then we enter what is the theme of the movie which is

[17:43] wandering around spooky hallways quietly waiting for things to happen

[17:48] because they go into the spooky abbey and they find the crypt and there's a

[17:51] shrouded abbess there you don't see her face she's pretty spooky creepy

[17:55] and she's got a creepy high-pitched you know old lady voice and she tells them

[17:58] to come back in the morning after they take their nightly vow of silence

[18:03] but berk and irene are like yeah but i guess we're just gonna stay here for the

[18:06] night

[18:06] yeah it's uh... it's a pretty interesting move where it's like

[18:10] will answer your questions

[18:12] in the morning if you stay the night here

[18:15] they're like wow i didn't realize i was hazing for a fraternity but

[18:19] you'll also inherit your uncle's ten million dollars

[18:23] and and like

[18:25] i can't remember the abbess is doing this but i feel like

[18:28] there's a lot of like

[18:30] the uh... the abbess has like a shroud over her face and she'll like turn her head

[18:33] fast and we'll hear like a crazy cracking sound and you're like uh...

[18:38] are you okay? is she getting ready to fight jean-claude van damme?

[18:43] so the neck cracking so here's the thing stewart and maybe you can shed some

[18:46] light on this this is when i started wondering was this movie

[18:49] written by some people playing a role-playing game because it's like you

[18:53] meet the spooky abbess she tells you to come back in the morning so are you guys

[18:56] gonna go back to the village or do you want to spend the night at the spooky

[18:59] abbey? like that's what it feels like to me. i feel like based on my experiences

[19:03] running role-playing games that scene would have gone like this you meet a

[19:06] spooky abbess she tells you that the players are like okay well uh... i try

[19:10] and pull the veil off and i'm like no you can't!

[19:14] like no i'm gonna roll to do it i'm like no stop! uh... the abbess slaps your hand away

[19:19] just do what she wants

[19:22] so uh... so they're acting the way you wish that the players in your role-playing

[19:25] games were. yeah yeah where they're like uh... okay

[19:29] and then frenchy's like

[19:33] uh... i guess i'm just gonna go home let me uh...

[19:36] follow this detour into the fog machine filled cemetery

[19:40] uh... all this abbey road

[19:43] how long are you saving that?

[19:45] i've been working on a dear abbey thing for a while that i just haven't been able to

[19:49] crack so if you guys have any help or listeners write in

[19:54] what's the dear abbey joke i should have made in the first half of this program

[19:57] i mean it would have been weird because it's uh...

[20:00] I mean, technically the Abbey is not human, the Abbey is a building, which is housing

[20:09] these people.

[20:10] I mean, that's what you call the organization.

[20:12] The Abbess runs the Abbey, and the Abbet is Lou Costello's partner in a number of tomfoolery

[20:20] filled movies.

[20:21] Papers, some of them.

[20:22] Some of them are them just kind of like getting into trouble, some of them have monsters.

[20:28] You might say, hey, Abbet, to find out some answers if you want to find where the Abbet

[20:33] is, but again, there's no Abbet in this movie, it's just an Abbess.

[20:36] Yeah, so speaking of monsters, there's this great bit where Frenchie's walking around

[20:40] the cemetery, and then there's this spooky nun walking around that looks exactly like

[20:47] the nun who he found hanging.

[20:50] She's walking around with a noose, and then this happens a lot in the movie where the

[20:55] character will walk around, maybe he'll see something spooky, and then we'll see it from

[20:59] his perspective, and then the camera will turn to the left, and then turn to the right,

[21:04] and then back to where the monster was before, and then it's gone.

[21:08] There's this zombie nun corpse, and it seems like the demon's big plan is always to attack

[21:13] them and then stop right before it kills them.

[21:19] It's monster movie logic where it's like, the monster's scary, and time.

[21:24] Back to your corners, everybody, we can't kill them yet because the movie has to keep

[21:27] going, but good work, monster, good work.

[21:29] Take some orange slices, take a lap, then let's come back and you'll attack again in

[21:32] like 15 minutes.

[21:34] Literally the only credit I gave this movie while watching it was about the first jump

[21:40] scare-

[21:41] Was it based on the Conjuring series?

[21:42] What?

[21:43] Yes.

[21:44] That was the credit that you gave to it?

[21:47] Was the fact that the first real jump scare in the meat of the movie is legs coming down

[21:54] from the top of the screen?

[21:55] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[21:56] I'm like, oh, well, you know what?

[21:57] I mean, usually in these things, at least the thing jumps from the side of the screen,

[22:01] so I was slightly surprised.

[22:05] It is more likely that he's not going to notice it early if it's coming down from above, since

[22:09] a lot of times with jump scares, it relies on people having the same type of visual field

[22:14] as cameras, which means no peripheral vision whatsoever.

[22:17] Now, this scene is not particularly scary, and it doesn't really have stakes, because

[22:24] as we said before, the monster doesn't really make that much effort to kill anybody.

[22:29] It just is trying to scare him, but the reason why this scene is important in the movie is

[22:34] because after the zombie nun disappears and Frenchie's like, oh, man, I guess it was all

[22:39] just in my head, he rips a giant cross grave marker out of the ground, and he's like, just

[22:47] going to take this with me, and he just carries it around with him for a while.

[22:51] Yeah, it's pretty great.

[22:52] I was like, oh, I hope he's going to stab something with it, but he doesn't.

[22:55] Don't worry about it.

[22:56] He does not.

[22:57] No.

[22:58] It's not Chekhov's torn-out-of-the-ground grave marker, which would have been used to

[23:01] stab somebody, or at least mark another grave, so Irene tells Burke that night that she became

[23:06] a nun because she used to see visions of the Virgin Mary, and Mary would tell her that

[23:10] Mary would point the way, and Burke is like, oh, that's interesting.

[23:13] Well, anyway, I once performed an exorcism on a boy, and he died, so that's our traumas.

[23:18] Glad we had this trauma-sharing moment.

[23:22] They get a pretty good radio signal on their little radio in their little side room, right?

[23:27] Yeah, well, the radio wakes up Burke in the middle of the night because it's playing spooky

[23:31] jazz music, or like big band music, and he points his flashlight at it, and it stops

[23:37] immediately, and it's like a cartoon Looney Tunes radio that's like, oh, sorry, I didn't

[23:42] mean to.

[23:43] Like, I wanted them to do more of that where he would move the flashlight away, and the

[23:47] radio would start, and then he'd put the flashlight on, and the radio would stop again, like a

[23:50] Michigan J-Frog type scenario, but they don't go that far with it.

[23:53] Just to jump back a second, I would love it if...

[23:56] Jump back and kiss yourself?

[23:57] No.

[23:58] Because you deserve it, Dan.

[24:00] Dan, you should love yourself, because you're very lovable, and if you don't love yourself,

[24:04] no one else is going to love you either, I guarantee it.

[24:05] I can love myself without wanting to literally kiss myself.

[24:08] Okay, Dan, that's what I want to talk about, too.

[24:10] You've been loving yourself, if you know what I mean, a little too much lately.

[24:14] There's no such thing as too much, Elliot.

[24:17] The neighbors have been complaining that you're getting a little loud with it.

[24:20] Yeah, all right, well, thank you for the notes.

[24:22] But what I wanted to say was...

[24:25] This has been Elliot Kalin, Masturbation Coach.

[24:27] Earlier, you were talking about them trading their traumas, and I think it would be really

[24:31] funny if after him talking about failing to properly exorcise that boy, or having a bad

[24:37] experience with it, for the nun to be like, ugh, can't we not talk about work after work?

[24:47] It's like, not on the clock.

[24:51] That's really funny.

[24:54] Here's the thing about exorcisms, guys.

[24:56] I've never been in one, obviously, because I'm not Catholic, and also they're not real,

[25:01] because demons are not real.

[25:02] But here's the thing.

[25:04] It seems like the job of an exorcist is mainly just to yell Jesus's name at a kid until the

[25:10] kid behaves.

[25:11] So you're saying that you should be able to DIY this?

[25:15] Kind of, yeah, because it's always like...

[25:18] And then the demon gets really mad and starts blowing wind all over the place, and it's

[25:22] like basketball.

[25:23] He's just doing things to try to distract the priest, but he never seems to really hurt

[25:27] them.

[25:28] So it's like, to exorcise someone, you just kind of have to stand there and just keep

[25:30] your ground and keep yelling, ah, indominate patros, and things like that.

[25:35] It seems like you could just print out the prayers off of the internet and exorcise someone

[25:39] yourself.

[25:40] Now, Dan, again, we mentioned you grew up in this world of exorcisms and demonology.

[25:44] What am I wrong with?

[25:45] Yeah, I mean, Catholics and Protestants are very different, actually.

[25:48] There's some information about Martin Luther and some feces that I can forward to you.

[25:53] Wait, some feces?

[25:57] But, Stuart, do you think you'd be ready to handle an exorcism?

[26:01] I mean, yeah.

[26:02] You've seen enough movies.

[26:03] Yeah, I mean, why not?

[26:06] I mean...

[26:07] Stuart's pondering it as if it's a job offer.

[26:10] Yeah, I mean...

[26:11] What are you going to pay?

[26:12] How many, like, are we talking one demon, two?

[26:16] I'll have to charge more if it's, like, Legion, right?

[26:20] That's the thing.

[26:21] I started vomiting up flies just the other day.

[26:25] Well, you guys stopped eating so many flies.

[26:26] That's the first thing.

[26:27] I mean, no, that's what I first thought.

[26:29] I was like, why am I eating too many flies?

[26:31] But the flies were still alive, and then, like, bees started coming out, and I haven't

[26:35] been eating bees.

[26:36] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[26:37] You would have remembered if you ordered those at Sweet Greens or whatever.

[26:39] Instead of getting usually just my Sweet Greens fly kale Caesar salad.

[26:45] And so that started happening, and then I started hearing these voices telling me to

[26:49] do unpardonable, unforgivable things, and they said that they were Legion, and so, like,

[26:54] how much would you charge to get that out of my body?

[26:56] Because so far, it hasn't been dangerous, but it's been annoying.

[26:59] So wait, you're saying you're being annoying?

[27:03] Wait, say this again.

[27:04] Give me your symptoms.

[27:05] Demons say I'm being too annoying, and they want you to get them out of my body so that

[27:09] I don't irritate them anymore.

[27:10] Oh, yeah, that makes sense.

[27:13] Because the demons were like, we are Legion.

[27:15] We control you now, and I was like, uh-oh, looks like Legion is here.

[27:20] Uh-oh, everybody better stay clear, because it's Legion.

[27:23] And they started just rolling their thousand eyes, and I was like, what, am I bothering

[27:28] you guys?

[27:29] They're like, no, it's fine.

[27:30] It's fine.

[27:31] Whatever.

[27:32] Let's just keep going.

[27:33] But, yeah, they want to get out.

[27:34] So they were saying they'd pay you well.

[27:35] Oh, wow.

[27:36] Yeah.

[27:37] I mean, I guess the price has to at least double, right?

[27:39] I don't know.

[27:40] I mean, it really feels like you should be negotiating with them, not with me.

[27:44] I mean, I guess they'll have to set it up through my TaskRabbit app, and ...

[27:49] Okay.

[27:50] I wonder if there are people on TaskRabbit who will do exorcisms.

[27:54] Yeah, they'll move some furniture for you or do an exorcism, or I guess go to 7-Eleven.

[28:00] Is 7-Eleven a thing?

[28:01] Can you go to 7-Eleven on a TaskRabbit?

[28:04] I think that's probably a thing.

[28:06] Dan, is 7-Eleven a thing?

[28:07] Are you texting somebody about that?

[28:09] Sorry.

[28:10] I was ... No, my girlfriend had trouble doing something, and so I was texting her.

[28:17] Sorry.

[28:18] Oh, thank you.

[28:19] Oh, good.

[28:20] Thanks for making it relevant to our discussion, Dan.

[28:21] Sorry.

[28:22] I apologize.

[28:23] No, I'm glad that's going on right now.

[28:26] It turns out what she's having trouble with is getting a mummy to go back to the afterlife,

[28:30] so it really would fit into what we're doing, but ... Okay, so, meanwhile, so Burke, he's

[28:35] like, I've got to follow this radio signal, and it leads him to, uh-oh, the dead boy that

[28:39] he exorcised years ago.

[28:41] That dead boy jumps out, a big snake comes out of his mouth, and Burke is like, whoa,

[28:45] whoa, whoa, and falls backwards into a coffin, and suddenly he's buried alive.

[28:48] Now, Dan, this boy, this apparition of a boy that he failed to exorcise a demon from, the

[28:56] boy's name is Daniel, so when the priest kept saying Daniel over and over, were you extra

[29:01] scared, or were you just looking around?

[29:03] Did you think they had personalized the movie for you, like those books you get for kids,

[29:06] and everyone who watched it, their name was said?

[29:08] Well, no, it was kind of like if a cat hears his or her name.

[29:14] I just kind of cocked my head every time it happened, because I was like, what, does

[29:17] someone need me?

[29:18] Am I needed for something?

[29:19] But it didn't take me out of the movie, guys.

[29:22] Okay, so you weren't screaming at the screen, I'm right here, tell me what you need.

[29:28] Yeah, no, that's ... So yeah, he's down in the hole, he's the man in the box.

[29:35] Just like in the Wire theme song, he's down in the hole.

[29:37] Wait, so he's Rob Brydon's man in a box?

[29:42] I mean, once again, those were both references to Alice in Chainsong, so I wasn't doing some

[29:48] like nerdy comedy bullshit, I was doing like cool guy rock and roll shit.

[29:54] So yeah, he's down in that box, and then at this point, Sister Irene has like a spooky

[30:00] dream with a bunch of nuns and an evil nun, that sounds like this movie, right?

[30:06] The movie is kind of like, when in doubt, throw a bunch of nuns on the screen and one

[30:09] of them is probably going to be evil.

[30:11] The movie is like, look, one in every 12 nuns is probably evil, so if we get a ton of nuns

[30:16] on the screen, and that should be a movie right there, tons of nuns, but yeah, she has

[30:20] this bad dream, she wakes up and sees a ghost nun, a mirror explodes out at her, the mirror

[30:24] budget for this abbey must be crazy.

[30:27] And meanwhile, Father Burke, he happens, luckily, to be in one of those coffins that's rigged

[30:31] up with a bell in case you get buried alive, so he's ringing that bell, look, if that coffin

[30:37] said, you can ring my bell, ring my bell, he would say, yes, please, because I'm buried

[30:41] alive.

[30:42] Is that song about being buried alive, Dan?

[30:44] You're the pop music fan.

[30:45] I have a counter question for you, Elliot.

[30:48] So do you think...

[30:49] A question about my counters?

[30:50] They're kind of like a formica quartz, I guess.

[30:52] Do you think that an abbey of the time would have a bunch of mirrors, or do you think that

[30:59] would encourage the scent of vanity?

[31:02] Good question.

[31:03] It's a good question, because what do you need that mirror for?

[31:06] You're not fixing your hair, because it's covered with a wimple, and as we all know,

[31:12] that's the way the world ends, with a wimple.

[31:17] And you're not putting on makeup, unless it's that one scene in Black Narcissus which is

[31:21] chilling.

[31:22] Oh, what a good movie.

[31:23] Maybe I'll recommend that later.

[31:24] And, yeah, I don't know if you'd need that mirror, but maybe you'd need the mirror to

[31:28] make sure there's not any food on your face or something, because that would be pretty

[31:31] disrespectful to God if you're doing Vespers or something and you've got food all over

[31:34] your face.

[31:35] So I'd say they would have one regulation-size mirror, and they would only use it after meals.

[31:41] Yeah.

[31:42] It would also be...

[31:43] I feel like it would also be good for Dracula avoidance, right?

[31:46] Oh, quite the opposite.

[31:47] He's not going to show up in it.

[31:48] No, but I mean, that's how you would figure it out, right?

[31:51] Oh, yeah, maybe.

[31:52] Oh, and also, like, if someone dies and you're not sure if they're dead or not, you can put

[31:56] that mirror under their nose to catch their breath.

[31:57] But that's a huge mirror.

[31:58] That's a huge mirror.

[31:59] You'd need, like, six people to carry it around, at least.

[32:02] But if, like, the BFG died and you weren't sure, that's the kind of mirror you would use.

[32:06] Sure, the big, friendly giant from the movie.

[32:08] I mean, you're also not going to have one of those big ceiling sex mirrors, so that's

[32:12] out too.

[32:13] Wait.

[32:14] Okay, you sure?

[32:15] So, wait, you're saying you would use this giant mirror for a sex mirror on the ceiling?

[32:20] No, I'm just saying that's another type of mirror you wouldn't have around.

[32:23] But, yeah, you wouldn't have that in an abbey, right?

[32:25] Right, that's my point.

[32:26] I mean, or even in most homes or most buildings of any kind.

[32:30] So, Dan, what is the territory that your sex is taking you on that you need that big a

[32:36] mirror on the ceiling?

[32:37] I, well, I mean, you know, as big as the bed.

[32:40] I'm not saying that the whole room needs to be mirrored up top.

[32:44] Oh, I thought, just in case, like, you ended up on the other side of the room somehow.

[32:47] Yeah, like a ghost dropped me there or something.

[32:50] Wait, what is going on in your love life, Dan?

[32:53] I don't want to talk about it.

[32:55] I guess you did mention that you have a ghoul friend, so maybe ghosts are involved.

[32:59] Okay, so Burke's ringing that bell, and Father Irene hears him, and she digs him out.

[33:05] And they find that the coffin, and in the coffin, there's like a nun that attacks him.

[33:09] In the coffin, they find some spooky old books.

[33:12] And I was like, finally, a movie for me.

[33:15] A movie where the characters are going to go look at books for a while.

[33:18] Yeah, around this point, I'm like, man, whoever's maintaining the grounds here is doing a pretty good job.

[33:23] This lawn is pretty freshly shorn.

[33:26] Whoever's manning that smoke machine, make sure it's constantly pumping out tons of fog.

[33:33] Mm-hmm.

[33:35] And there's always a shovel nearby when you need it to dig someone out of a coffin.

[33:38] And, like, were they trying to do a bit with, like, that there were multiple bells around the cemetery,

[33:47] and she wasn't quite sure which one was going to be the right ringing one?

[33:51] I'm not sure.

[33:53] I think maybe one of the nuns was playing tubular bells on the Pure Moods CD.

[33:57] Uh-huh, yeah.

[33:58] And so it's just confusing.

[33:59] They said it wrong.

[34:00] It's tubular bells.

[34:03] I forgot the Ninja Turtles produced that compilation album of atmospheric New Wave tunes,

[34:09] featuring, of course, the X-Files theme remix by DJ Dido.

[34:12] You don't really hear much about New Wave anymore, or not New Wave.

[34:15] It's not New Age.

[34:16] New Wave is the post-punk thing.

[34:19] I mean, you don't hear too much about that, either, unless you're Dan,

[34:21] and you live in this kind of idealized world of 1980s culture.

[34:25] No, New Wave is very influential on current rock music.

[34:29] And New Age is very influential on the presidential run of Marianne Williamson, right?

[34:33] Well, fair enough.

[34:35] Ask and answer, Counselor.

[34:36] Move on.

[34:37] I think the irony is that most of the people who are interested in New Age are now of old age.

[34:42] Oh, shit.

[34:44] Oh, man.

[34:46] Oh, man.

[34:47] Somebody get out a fire extinguisher.

[34:50] You're going to have to, because as our French-Canadian friend Frenchy learns,

[34:54] there's a lot of misfortune in the town, and everyone blames the Abbey.

[34:57] It turns out they're probably right, and he thinks our heroes are in danger.

[35:01] The next morning, Sister Irene is talking to this nun,

[35:04] and meanwhile Burke is doing the smartest thing you can do with old books about demons,

[35:08] reading aloud from them in a crypt.

[35:11] It was really weird for me, because when this scene opened up,

[35:16] like the last we saw of Burke and Sister Irene, they were like,

[35:20] oh, man, maybe there's some information in these books.

[35:23] And then it cuts to Frenchy in a pub in the town, and everybody's sad,

[35:28] and then he sees a shotgun, and he's like, okay, I know what I have to do.

[35:31] And then it cuts to the next morning with them in different outfits,

[35:35] and the lighting's a little different, and for some reason watching it I'm like,

[35:40] is this a dream?

[35:41] Are they reading this in the book?

[35:43] Obviously it isn't, but there was something very strange about it for me.

[35:46] Well, it also – the strange part for me is that, and this happens a lot in movies,

[35:50] is it's like, ooh, something crazy happened to us.

[35:53] Well, time to hit the hay.

[35:55] And then the next day are they, like, showering and getting dressed,

[35:57] and they're like, oh, I can't wait to find out about that crazy thing.

[36:00] Well, let's have a breakfast first.

[36:02] I'll have the, ooh, full farmer's breakfast.

[36:05] It should be called a breakfast, by the way, right?

[36:09] You misspoken, said breakfast, and you know what?

[36:12] I think that makes a lot of sense.

[36:14] It's a better name.

[36:15] It is the first brick of the day.

[36:17] That's the thing.

[36:19] It is not a better name because there's no such thing as brick.

[36:22] There is, however, break, the word that it's corrupted from, breaking once fast.

[36:27] I was referring to the character Breck from Anne Leckie's Ancillary series of novels.

[36:32] But there's also Brecker Morant, which is a great movie.

[36:37] And your friend, Breck Mayhem.

[36:39] They're having breakfast, and they're like, do you guys –

[36:43] so that spooky stuff last night, was that real?

[36:46] And Father Brooke is like, I thought it was a dream.

[36:48] Did he say Father Breck?

[36:51] Father Breck, Bertolt Breck.

[36:53] That's who I'm talking about.

[36:54] Oh, wow.

[36:55] So there's a lot of distancing techniques being used here.

[36:59] So guys, anyway, they find out –

[37:01] so Father Breck is just reading about Valak, the demon, inventor of the value pack, out loud.

[37:08] And I thought he was going to raise some spirits or something, but that didn't happen.

[37:11] But Sister Irene, she's talking to this other nun, and the other nun is like, oh, yeah, yeah.

[37:17] So anyway, the abbey was built by an evil duke, and he made a gateway for a demon,

[37:22] and the Catholic Church came and sealed it up with the blood of Christ,

[37:24] and then some bombs opened up the gateway.

[37:26] So anyway, that's what's going on, and it's like, wait a minute.

[37:29] Was this – one, if she's going to just lay it out that easily, then why didn't they find that out earlier?

[37:34] But also as a viewer, I was like I figured that was basically the story,

[37:38] but it feels kind of like the whole experience has been cheapened by them just –

[37:42] it's like not having the chase or the seduction, if you will, in a love affair.

[37:48] It's like, oh, this feels vulgar to me, vulgar and thin.

[37:51] Did you guys feel the same way?

[37:53] What, that there's just an info dump explaining all the problems?

[37:57] She's like, anyway, so now the demon roams the abbey as a nun, so watch out for any weird nuns you might see.

[38:02] Yeah, so if you walk into a room and there's a bunch of bodies that have their heads shrouded,

[38:07] hanging upside down, and their blood is pooling into a gateway,

[38:11] maybe walk out or lock the door.

[38:13] If there's a nun running after you, run away.

[38:17] If there's nuns on the run, that's just Eric Idle and Robbie Coltrane,

[38:21] so you don't need to worry about that.

[38:23] Then you're in for some good old-fashioned joke-a-mups.

[38:27] I'm surprised you didn't say fun, but it would have rhymed.

[38:31] I think that would be stretching the definition of fun to include nuns on the run in that.

[38:35] Yeah, not very fun.

[38:37] And if you're on a Secret World War II mission, it's the nuns of Navarone.

[38:41] Yep.

[38:42] So anyway, guys, it was just surprising.

[38:45] But I think that priest might turn out to be a ghost later on or what?

[38:49] Is that what happens?

[38:50] I was so unclear about how many nuns were actually in this abbey at any given point.

[38:55] Wait, are you asking if all the nuns that Sister Irene interacts with are ghosts?

[39:00] Are they all ghosts?

[39:01] Yeah, they're all ghosts.

[39:02] She's the only person who interacts with any of them.

[39:05] The other characters only interact with nuns as, like, zombie monsters.

[39:10] Oh, I did not notice that.

[39:12] Yeah, Sister Irene is the only one who interacts with any of them by, like, talking.

[39:16] Unless it's Tiffany Abbess.

[39:18] Who is very clearly some kind of a monster.

[39:21] Yeah, since she's shrouded and making creaking noises with her neck

[39:24] and sits on a throne in a crypt for some reason.

[39:27] So she sees dead people is what you're saying.

[39:30] Yeah, I mean, that's just the way that Valak, the evil demon monster, is the snake master, I think he's called.

[39:42] That's how he has chosen to bedevil her, I think, is by using nuns as she has not taken her vows yet, I think.

[39:50] They are still some kind of an authority figure or a symbol of her future, maybe.

[39:55] It gives her a real inferiority complex because it's like when you're a teen.

[39:59] Yeah.

[40:00] And you haven't done it yet, and all your friends have, and they're talking about it all the time, and you're like,

[40:04] yeah, sure, okay, yeah.

[40:06] Uh, actually, I was probably like, uh, why are you bothering me with this?

[40:09] I would very much like to talk to you about how the X-Men bear distinct similarities to, uh, Greek heroes of yore.

[40:16] Actually, I would love to have that conversation, to be honest.

[40:20] Uh, okay, guys, look.

[40:23] We got a demon problem on hand, and it's called the Nun.

[40:25] So, Irene is like, uh, I gotta stay overnight in the Abbey tonight.

[40:30] And she does the same thing all the characters do.

[40:32] She goes walking around after midnight, out in the moonlight, just like she used to do,

[40:37] and gets the usual spooky frights.

[40:39] She has a nightmare.

[40:40] Brooke, meanwhile, that night, he keeps getting choked by zombie ghoul nuns.

[40:43] It's like, he can't, he can't turn around without a zombie ghoul nun choking him.

[40:47] And then, an evil nun demon is chasing Irene.

[40:50] Ahhhhhhh.

[40:52] Yep.

[40:52] Ahhhhhhh.

[40:53] Yeah, I mean, it's a lot of, like, it's a lot of, like, characters walk from, into a new room.

[40:59] That new room is scary.

[41:00] They get scared a little bit.

[41:02] Uh, just a little, not too much.

[41:04] And then it moves on to the next room.

[41:05] Like the audience.

[41:06] As usual, it almost always features a moment where the character looks at the scary thing,

[41:11] turns to the, the camera turns to the left, turns to the right, back where the scary thing was,

[41:16] but it's not there anymore.

[41:18] Is it behind you?

[41:19] We don't know.

[41:20] It usually isn't.

[41:21] No one knows.

[41:22] And eventually it's going to strangle you.

[41:24] Because here's what I learned about the demon Valak, in his form or her form as the nun,

[41:29] is, loves to strangle.

[41:31] Yeah, I mean, it's...

[41:32] Loves strangling.

[41:33] Snake master.

[41:34] Snakes are stranglers.

[41:35] Uh, well, some snakes are stranglers.

[41:37] Yeah, come on, that is, uh...

[41:38] Or poisoners.

[41:40] It's like two methods of death.

[41:41] Thank you.

[41:42] Painting snakes with a pretty broad brush.

[41:44] I don't appreciate it.

[41:46] Which is ironic, since they're such narrow animals.

[41:48] Yeah.

[41:50] Now, guys, when God made snakes, do you think he meant to give them legs,

[41:54] and then he just forgot because he had to deal with, like, Satan or something,

[41:57] and he left the table, and then he came back?

[41:59] I mean, wasn't, wasn't the Adam and Eve story, wasn't part of it,

[42:02] that, like, you're, like, because of it, you're cursed to...

[42:05] You're the expert, dude.

[42:07] Yeah, Dan, you're the one who grew up in a theological household.

[42:09] Yeah.

[42:10] Elliot's just trying to run ideas for a B-grade Farside cartoon.

[42:15] I, I grew up...

[42:17] This is a Farside cartoon where God's making snakes,

[42:19] and he's like, these things are so easy.

[42:21] He's just doing the thing where you just roll a lump of clay between your hands

[42:24] until it becomes a long, a long rod.

[42:27] Yeah, I just, I want to clarify that I grew up in a Christian household.

[42:31] Yeah, exactly.

[42:32] And because it was focused, it was actually focused more on theology,

[42:35] like, we did not take the Old Testament, in particular,

[42:40] stories to have literal meaning that we needed to understand.

[42:45] We looked upon as, you know, stories that might illuminate something about our world.

[42:49] Elliot, I don't know about you,

[42:50] but I'm a little uncomfortable with all this preaching Dan's doing.

[42:52] Okay.

[42:53] Yeah, Dan, look, I'm very comfortable with my religion,

[42:55] and I don't need you to try to convince me to join yours,

[42:58] which I guess is a religion of doubt.

[43:00] Are you sure?

[43:01] Just a religion of, just a religion of self-doubt and uncertainty.

[43:05] But, Elliot, if I, if I get ten more people to sign up,

[43:09] I get a free membership.

[43:12] Wait, hold on.

[43:16] So this is, Dan, I think this, I think you shouldn't have joined the Church of Herbalife.

[43:20] I think that was a mistake.

[43:22] Okay, so that demon, he attacks Burke in the form of Daniel,

[43:27] the exercised kid again, and Irene finds she's,

[43:30] so it's been told to us that the nuns are just taking turns praying forever.

[43:35] Like, the nuns take turns so that prayer never stops in the abbey,

[43:39] and for centuries there's always been some nun saying the prayers.

[43:42] Obviously that's not the case anymore because they're all ghosts now.

[43:44] Yeah, but that was, and that was in an attempt to, like, keep the evil at bay,

[43:48] keep the, like, sealed portal closed so that hell couldn't come out, right?

[43:53] Yeah.

[43:54] And then I'm guessing a bomb hit the abbey,

[43:56] and a piece of wood comically bonked a nun on the head, and they stopped.

[44:00] And that's probably what happened.

[44:02] And the nun woke up and thought she was a famous Italian race car driver and left.

[44:06] And the demon, that gave the demon the opening he needed to leave.

[44:10] So Irene is joined by this army of—

[44:12] And by leave you mean just wanders around the abbey for a while.

[44:15] Yes, because there's no way out because it's essentially one round tunnel with no entrance or exit.

[44:20] Oh, but I guess they need, the demon needs, like, a living host, right?

[44:24] So I guess that makes sense.

[44:25] I shouldn't have made a joke.

[44:26] Yeah, yeah.

[44:27] The demon can't, as we saw in the prologue, the demon can't just walk out on its own.

[44:32] It needs a human host because demon, I guess that's demon rules.

[44:37] I don't know, ultra powerful, but they need a body.

[44:39] So it seems like our heroes, Burke and Irene, are a little overmatched here.

[44:45] Like they're separated and getting beaten at every turn by the demon.

[44:50] And, of course, that means that's when Frenchie arrives.

[44:53] Wait, wait.

[44:54] We're not there yet.

[44:56] We're not there yet.

[44:57] Irene is praying with an army of nuns.

[45:00] There's an army of nuns that are praying all together.

[45:02] And the demon's really tossing the nuns around and slashing up Irene's back and slashing her clothes.

[45:07] That's when Burke is led to the horror room by a clue in a crossword puzzle that he sees.

[45:13] What?

[45:14] Because he's been used to doing a crossword puzzle throughout the movie, and this is when that becomes a plot point.

[45:19] And that's when Frenchie comes back, saves him from a zombie.

[45:23] How does he do it, Stuart?

[45:25] Oh, wait, what?

[45:27] There's a crossword puzzle?

[45:30] Yeah, I was surprised by that too.

[45:32] You can tell how much I was engaged with the details of the movie by this point.

[45:36] I mean if it was important enough to interrupt my description, you surely remember what the clue was in the crossword puzzle.

[45:43] Well, the thing I really wanted to interrupt was I wanted to tell everyone about how Irene has now taken on the task of praying to keep the gateway closed.

[45:52] And she thinks she's surrounded by these other nuns who are being killed by the demon.

[45:56] And she feels like she's being attacked by the demon because that's going to come up.

[45:59] That's going to be important.

[46:00] But, I mean, the crossword puzzle says, like, left or something like that.

[46:04] And he goes to the left, and there's the room.

[46:06] Four letters opposite of right.

[46:10] Wrong is not – that's five letters.

[46:13] No, that's five letters.

[46:14] Let me sit and do this.

[46:15] Oh, why did I start in ink?

[46:16] I should have started in pencil.

[46:18] Maybe this is one of those Thursday crosswords where one of the letters is missing, so maybe it is wrong.

[46:23] W-R-O-N.

[46:25] Now, it posits a world where God is Will Shorts, which I don't want to live in that universe.

[46:31] He seems like he'd be a pretty benevolent God.

[46:34] A lot of puzzles we'd have to figure out, though, to get through day-to-day life.

[46:38] To be honest, life is a constant puzzle, and you don't get all the clues.

[46:41] And then at the end, all you get as a reward is a finished crossword puzzle.

[46:45] So you know what?

[46:46] Maybe God is Will Shorts.

[46:48] Let me write this down for my Etsy cross-stitch project.

[46:52] I'm interested in this new religion you've created, Elliot.

[46:55] Maybe I could switch over to that one because the membership fee is my current one.

[46:59] Ours are very competitive.

[47:01] Look, it's $99 just as the initiation fee, and then it's just $600 a month.

[47:08] That's your basic standard plan.

[47:10] That gets you one crossword puzzle a month, not a Will Shorts crossword puzzle but a crossword puzzle.

[47:15] We clip it out of not the New York Times but out of the TV Guide and send it to you.

[47:19] Now, if you upgrade to the $2,000 a month level, then we'll send you two New York Times crossword puzzles a month.

[47:25] And again, if you get ten people to join, then you get up to three weeks free.

[47:30] So we'll just prorate that monthly fee.

[47:32] And on top of that, you get absolution from all sins that are crossword puzzle related.

[47:37] Like if you cheat on a crossword puzzle or if you cross out the letters and write something else in, you're absolved of that sin.

[47:42] And you just owe us a billion years of service.

[47:47] So can I sign you up?

[47:48] I mean that is actually pretty close to the cost of subscribing to the New York Times crosswords.

[47:53] Oh!

[47:54] Just a clarifying question.

[47:56] You said you clip it out of a TV Guide.

[47:58] Do they still make print TV Guides or do you have to print it off the internet?

[48:03] These are vintage TV Guides that you find in flea markets and old-age homes across the country.

[48:08] To be honest, most of the crosswords are already done at this point.

[48:11] But you can take those as omens or something.

[48:16] Sure.

[48:17] So Frenchie, he saves Burke from a zombie, and they go into the horror room, and Irene is all alone in there.

[48:25] It turns out there were no other nuns.

[48:27] As Stuart was making clear before, they're all g-g-g-ghosts.

[48:30] She's the only nun-nun-nun-nun still left in the abbey.

[48:33] Uh-huh.

[48:34] And Burke burns up a nun-zombie.

[48:36] He, like, touches it with a cross.

[48:38] That was great.

[48:39] Yeah, so the nun-zombie gets up, and they're, like, wrestling with it, and they set it on fire.

[48:43] And then Frenchie just blasts it with his shotgun.

[48:45] It's pretty great.

[48:46] He's like, this is what's black and white and red all over.

[48:49] And then shoots the nun.

[48:53] Oh, a crossword joke, right?

[48:56] That's what it was?

[48:57] I mean, it could be.

[48:58] Sort of.

[48:59] It could be.

[49:01] So they're, like—

[49:02] You read the words in a crossword?

[49:04] What?

[49:07] Dan?

[49:08] What?

[49:09] Dan, help.

[49:10] Help me.

[49:11] No, it's a—help, Dan.

[49:12] I thought you were making a joke about a newspaper that had blood on it.

[49:15] Yeah, okay.

[49:16] Dan, where's the newspaper?

[49:18] Where's the crossword puzzle?

[49:19] And the newspaper.

[49:21] Third base.

[49:22] And there's blood.

[49:23] What are we doing?

[49:26] So anyway, they've got to seal this gateway, but they need Christ's blood to do it.

[49:30] As they know from the flashback earlier, when the nun was info-dumping,

[49:34] there's, like, a glass globe that has a little bit of Jesus's blood in it.

[49:38] And this feels like it's a long game for Valak, because eventually they're going to run out of blood.

[49:43] Yeah.

[49:44] Jesus only had eight pints of blood in him, right?

[49:46] So eventually—how many thousands of years is that going to last?

[49:49] I mean, you don't drain it all at once, right?

[49:51] You just take little globs every once in a while, right?

[49:54] Now, was this—

[49:55] No, no, but eventually they're going to run out, even with just taking those little drips.

[49:58] So is this long congealed?

[50:00] like clotted blood, like I don't...

[50:02] It's magic, dude.

[50:03] Well, they address that there's a big pile of blood on the front steps.

[50:08] And when they like walk up to the abbey, they're like, wow, it's still wet.

[50:12] But it's been like a bunch of days.

[50:15] Yeah, because magic blood stays wet.

[50:16] I mean, you'd have to assume buying into this world of Catholic mysticism

[50:20] that Christ's blood would just stay liquid forever,

[50:23] since it's a holy miracle that it exists at all.

[50:26] But, you know, maybe it's...

[50:28] They should have had that.

[50:29] When they're pouring it to seal the gateway,

[50:31] it's like syrup or ketchup and it's taking forever,

[50:33] and the demon is running after them.

[50:35] They're like, come on, come on, come on, come on.

[50:37] Like when someone's trying to download a file

[50:39] before someone else walks into the room,

[50:41] and that status bar is just going so slow.

[50:43] Maybe he turned it back into wine to keep it liquid over the years.

[50:48] What?

[50:49] Oh, yeah, that makes sense.

[50:50] That makes a lot of sense.

[50:51] I thought that was water.

[50:52] What?

[50:53] No, I'm talking about the communion.

[50:57] Whitley Stryber's communion when the aliens came down and took him?

[51:00] You drink wine in honor of Jesus' blood being spilled,

[51:05] and he says this is...

[51:06] And Catholics would believe it's the literal blood of Christ

[51:09] because of transubstantiation.

[51:12] Dan, I told you to not preach so much to me.

[51:14] Oh, goddammit.

[51:15] Dan, we're not interested in joining your religion, okay?

[51:19] But Dan makes a good point.

[51:20] I mean, I wouldn't know, because as a Jew, I don't drink.

[51:24] Why?

[51:25] That's not true.

[51:26] Wine is a staple of almost all Jewish holidays.

[51:28] It's just most wine.

[51:33] The Jews say, I don't drink good wine.

[51:36] That's what a Jewish vampire would say.

[51:39] Years ago at a Purim party at Charlene's,

[51:42] I think Charlene tried to come up with a cocktail using Manischewitz

[51:45] and quickly abandoned it.

[51:51] It's like, yeah, what's it like when you drink a Pixie Stick?

[51:54] Well, there it is, Manischewitz.

[51:55] Very sweet.

[51:56] Okay, so they've got to seal this gateway.

[51:58] They need Christ's blood to do it, but where's the relic?

[52:00] Irene says, before we do this, I know we should probably hurry

[52:04] because Valak is trying to steal our bodies so it can escape into the world.

[52:07] But first, I feel like I should be a nun to do this.

[52:10] I want to take my vows, because you know what?

[52:12] This movie is called The Nun, and all the nuns are ghosts.

[52:15] There's not a real nun in this whole movie.

[52:17] Time for me to step up and become the nun.

[52:20] Because here's my question, guys.

[52:21] Who's the nun in this movie?

[52:23] It's her. It's Irene.

[52:24] I thought it was the demon nun this whole time, but is it really her, Irene?

[52:28] In storytelling, Elliot, we would call this the tilt.

[52:32] Why?

[52:34] When you think the nun in the title refers to the monster nun,

[52:39] no, no, no, not so fast.

[52:40] It's Sister Irene who will become the nun.

[52:43] And that, what emotion does that elicit?

[52:46] Shock and surprise.

[52:49] Really? This mild play on the title is going to freak our brains?

[52:56] When Dan and I were watching this movie in the movie theater,

[52:59] in Dan's private movie theater, as in his apartment,

[53:02] he turned to me and he goes,

[53:03] Now she's the nun.

[53:07] I was like, calm down, dude. I'm trying to watch the movie.

[53:10] No, that's when I held uncomfortably long eye contact with Stuart.

[53:15] Yeah, Dan just looked at him for a moment

[53:17] and then there were none.

[53:21] So Irene's like, oh, when I was young,

[53:24] I always had this dream that Mary would point the way

[53:27] and they see a statue of the Virgin Mary and it points them where the holy relic is.

[53:31] So much as in the hit film Signs,

[53:33] something that happened as a kid now turns out to be the thing she needs in this moment

[53:39] because God is nothing if not confusing and also, I guess,

[53:44] operating on a different sense of linear time.

[53:46] Yeah.

[53:47] It would be much more helpful if God gave her that information now

[53:49] than if he gave it to her as a child.

[53:51] Yeah.

[53:52] Like, remember this, okay?

[53:53] Yeah.

[53:54] Write this down.

[53:55] And the way the light is,

[53:56] the sunlight is bouncing off the statue's finger to point the way

[53:59] is very, very much like the way Nathan Drake would solve a mystery

[54:03] in the Uncharted video games.

[54:07] Like a pirate said that this thing would be pointing at this.

[54:11] So they get the holy relic.

[54:15] I guess it's got some blood in it.

[54:16] It just looked like a glass globe to me.

[54:17] They split up because why wouldn't they?

[54:19] They have what they need and they know where they need to go.

[54:22] Why not split up and go in different directions?

[54:24] A lot of dungeon crawling.

[54:25] They're all getting attacked by haunty things.

[54:27] Obviously at this point you're probably wondering,

[54:30] why don't they just take the blood and pour it all over Frenchy's shotgun bullets

[54:35] so he can blast that nun?

[54:37] But, you know, I mean, that would require a certain level of crafting skill.

[54:42] You probably haven't got enough experience points for that yet,

[54:44] so we'll just move on.

[54:46] Wait, crafting skill?

[54:48] Yeah, you have to have the crafting skill.

[54:50] So you have to find a crafting station.

[54:52] I guess in this case it would be, I don't know,

[54:54] maybe like a sarcophagus or something that has you hit the X button

[54:59] and then you have to hold the Y button to craft the item you want to craft.

[55:03] But he doesn't have enough crafting tools so he can't craft it.

[55:07] And as I mentioned, it takes a lot of experience points

[55:10] to raise your crafting skill to that level.

[55:13] You also have to have the holy trait.

[55:15] You have to have the holy trait or else he can't make a holy weapon like that.

[55:18] How do you get this experience?

[55:19] You get experience points by battling demons, Dan.

[55:22] Yes, that's why they go through the hallways fighting those demons

[55:27] is to get their XP's up so they can make the blood bullets.

[55:29] Yeah, you've got to grind a little bit.

[55:31] All right, sure.

[55:34] You've got to farm.

[55:35] Obviously you would normally in this situation be like,

[55:37] oh, I've got a job in real life.

[55:39] I don't have time to farm XP's.

[55:41] I'll pay my little brother to do it.

[55:43] Now that would normally be a good idea,

[55:44] but you give your brother the money first.

[55:47] Big mistake.

[55:48] No, no, no.

[55:49] You shouldn't have done that.

[55:50] Instead of farming those XP's, he takes that money down to the corner store

[55:52] and he buys all kinds of candy.

[55:53] And you're like, normally this is a good idea

[55:55] because candy has plenty of nutritious value.

[55:58] Just check the wrapper.

[55:59] It says it.

[56:00] So he starts eating all the candy.

[56:04] Because that candy, there was a problem at the factory

[56:07] and they accidentally put shrinking serum in the candy.

[56:12] Now normally you'd say, that's fine.

[56:14] My little brother can be a little bit smaller.

[56:16] He'll still be my little brother because he's small.

[56:20] But the problem is...

[56:21] That's the important thing.

[56:22] But he ate so much of it, right?

[56:23] He ate so much of it, exactly.

[56:24] He ate so much of that candy.

[56:25] So he eats all that candy.

[56:28] Because he shrunk so small,

[56:30] now he can walk between the spaces between the particles in your add-ons.

[56:36] He goes back in time.

[56:38] Now he's your older brother.

[56:40] But he's far too small to actually do anything about it.

[56:43] He can't pick on you.

[56:44] He can't help you.

[56:45] He can't teach you how to ride a bike.

[56:46] Because as I said before, he's so small.

[56:51] This is a series of unfortunate events.

[56:53] I mean, you can extrapolate this problem from here on.

[56:56] I don't have to go into it.

[56:58] Oh yeah.

[56:59] Luckily Elizabeth Warren's got a plan for all that.

[57:01] So anyway, they split up and they're dungeon crawling.

[57:04] They're all getting haunted and attacked.

[57:06] Burke gets bitten in the face by a demon ghost snake.

[57:10] And Irene almost drowns.

[57:12] But she pulls a little bit of nun sense of her own.

[57:16] She pretends that she's dead

[57:18] so that the demon will lift her up out of the water to check her work

[57:21] because the demon loves strangling.

[57:22] And when she does that,

[57:23] she spits a mouthful of Christ's blood right into Valak's demon nun face.

[57:28] Whoa!

[57:29] And Valak's like,

[57:30] I saw this in the movie Tales from the Crypt, Demon Knight.

[57:36] So she had a sneak preview of it?

[57:37] Because this is 1952, remember, when this is happening.

[57:40] Yeah.

[57:41] I mean, I feel like time is kind of like an artificial construct for a demon like Valak.

[57:47] So Valak exists at all points in all times.

[57:49] So he's probably already seen Demon Knight.

[57:52] And by that, I mean he probably hasn't yet seen Demon Knight.

[57:55] It's complicated.

[57:57] I'll draw you a map.

[58:01] I want to see your work on this one.

[58:03] So Valak is like, no, blah, blah,

[58:07] and is crumbling to little pieces and gets dragged back to hell.

[58:10] And Irene looks like she's drowned,

[58:12] but then Frenchie gives her mouth-to-mouth and saves her.

[58:15] I forgot to mention Frenchie gets his –

[58:18] there's a part earlier where you think Frenchie gets killed by Valak,

[58:21] but that's only after Frenchie gets his badass catchphrase moment

[58:25] where the demon is like, you should have stayed away, Frenchman.

[58:28] And he goes, I'm French-Canadian.

[58:30] And then, what, shoots her with a shotgun or something?

[58:33] Yeah.

[58:34] That is an important –

[58:35] That's when Dan and I were in the theater.

[58:37] Oh, yeah.

[58:38] Yeah, my home theater.

[58:39] We were sharing a tub of popcorn, and when that happened,

[58:41] Dan threw the popcorn bucket in the air.

[58:43] And I'm like, Dan, I was eating that.

[58:45] Yeah.

[58:46] What he was just so excited about.

[58:48] Well, a Nazi monkey had poured some poison in it,

[58:52] so that was actually why I kept you from eating anymore.

[58:57] I didn't realize the monkey was a Nazi.

[59:00] He does salute, right?

[59:03] He's working for the Nazis.

[59:05] I mean, I think as a monkey,

[59:07] he probably does not have a moral sense about what he's signed up for to support –

[59:11] Because, as you know, monkeys didn't eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil,

[59:15] as Adam and Eve did.

[59:16] We went over this death.

[59:17] We stopped proselytizing.

[59:19] I just want to say that if someone told me that they weren't French,

[59:22] they were French-Canadian,

[59:23] I would be more scared of them than before.

[59:26] I do think that that's accurate.

[59:28] Okay. Interesting.

[59:29] There's a lot of tough French-Canadians out there.

[59:31] All lumberjacks?

[59:33] Yeah, they're all lumberjacks.

[59:34] Every single one of them.

[59:36] Or hockey players.

[59:38] Yeah.

[59:39] I mean, what's a hockey player but a lumberjack on ice, to be honest?

[59:42] That's actually true.

[59:43] Let's put it on a T-shirt and sell it in Canada.

[59:49] It's a Venn diagram, and one says hockey players and one says lumberjacks,

[59:52] and it almost totally overlaps.

[59:53] Yeah.

[59:54] We're very close to the end.

[59:56] Okay, so the next morning, they leave.

[59:58] I don't know why they didn't leave.

[1:00:00] That night the problem is taken care of, but I guess they want to spend another night in this creepy old Abbey.

[1:00:05] I think we've covered that, like, for these characters, when you've got to catch some Z's, you've got to do it.

[1:00:11] It doesn't matter if you've just been buried alive and found a bunch of demon books.

[1:00:14] Again, they've got to get those HPs back.

[1:00:17] Yeah, thank you, Dan.

[1:00:18] There's a rest period.

[1:00:19] Thank you for speaking in my language.

[1:00:21] Finally, Dan understands Stuart's religion.

[1:00:25] And the problem is that normally when you rest and heal all your HPs back, then all the enemies in the area respawn.

[1:00:32] But ha-ha, you've already defeated the boss, so you don't have to worry about that. It's fine.

[1:00:37] So I guess they're also reburying all the nuns that night, right?

[1:00:40] Like, they're reconsecrating the ground of the Abbey.

[1:00:43] The next morning they leave, and everyone's like, oh, this is great, we're all going to go now.

[1:00:47] But uh-oh, what's that on the back of Frenchie's neck?

[1:00:51] It's an upside-down cross.

[1:00:53] Looks like Valak did find its host.

[1:00:58] And then suddenly, and this was the strangest thing.

[1:01:00] Again, to tie it in with the rest of the Conjuring universe.

[1:01:04] It says 20 years later, and it's the investigators from the Conjuring, right?

[1:01:08] They're giving a presentation at a college or a local community center.

[1:01:11] And they're like, oh yeah, well we dealt with the exorcism of this guy Maurice.

[1:01:15] He was a French-Canadian who got possessed.

[1:01:17] And it's like, so we dealt with that.

[1:01:19] And not having seen the other Conjuring movies, I was like, so is he in the other Conjuring movies?

[1:01:24] Or is that, like they treat it as if this is a major thing.

[1:01:28] For some reason it feels like, I mean, I don't remember the first Conjuring that well.

[1:01:32] But there's a chance that this footage was used in the beginning of the first Conjuring.

[1:01:37] Yeah, there's a chance.

[1:01:38] I don't know.

[1:01:39] I did not care enough, to be honest, to really unspool this ball of yarn.

[1:01:45] I think that this is meant to go directly into the beginning of either the original Conjuring or Conjuring 2.

[1:01:52] And it being like, this is how they come to know of some supernatural thing that needs to be taken care of.

[1:02:00] Is through this exorcism.

[1:02:02] Of Valak, right?

[1:02:03] Yeah.

[1:02:04] Because Valak shows up later in the series.

[1:02:05] Yeah.

[1:02:06] So it's like Valak, this is when Harry met Valak.

[1:02:09] Yeah.

[1:02:10] And they were dealing with the French-Canadian guy.

[1:02:11] This is an epilogue that is total nonsense.

[1:02:15] If you haven't seen other Conjuring films, you're like, wow, what a weird way to end a movie.

[1:02:20] One character rides off and then we flash forward to 20 years where he gets exorcised of the demon.

[1:02:26] We saw that it was in the end.

[1:02:28] Yeah, and I do like how it does that thing where they do the reveal.

[1:02:31] They're like, they called him Frenchie.

[1:02:33] And then the camera, like the film pauses for a second.

[1:02:38] And then it like slowly fades to black in like a classic horror movie sort of way.

[1:02:43] Yeah.

[1:02:45] Yeah, because they're bringing it all together finally.

[1:02:48] Yeah, so some stray thoughts here.

[1:02:51] Now there was a great moment in the movie where when they find the relic and they're like, this is the blood of Jesus Christ.

[1:02:58] And Frenchie goes, holy shit.

[1:03:01] And Father Burke, of course, says, the holiest.

[1:03:05] Yeah, that was.

[1:03:06] I mean, there's moments when they're calling Jesus's blood shit, which I assume would be heresy.

[1:03:10] I mean, this is funny.

[1:03:11] There's definitely moments in this movie where I'm like, they want it to be silly and wacky.

[1:03:17] Like it's not a super serious horror movie.

[1:03:21] And I think I think those points are fun.

[1:03:24] But I wish it.

[1:03:25] I don't know.

[1:03:26] I wish it.

[1:03:27] I guess we're going into final judgments.

[1:03:29] Final judgments.

[1:03:30] Wait, is this movie totally scarifying?

[1:03:32] Is it totally snorifying or is it frighteningly funny?

[1:03:37] So, yeah, I guess I guess I'm saying I'm going to I'm going to say this one's snorifying.

[1:03:44] I mean, I like it when possessed kid ghosts barf out snakes that come chasing people around.

[1:03:51] But it like it just it is just like a collection of jump scares.

[1:03:55] I liked I mean, I like the performances from the leads.

[1:04:00] But there's just not that much going on here.

[1:04:03] There's nothing really to like.

[1:04:06] I feel like there's nothing the movie other than jump scares.

[1:04:09] The movie doesn't actually ground itself in anything that's really that scary.

[1:04:14] The characters are fairly thin and they don't have anything.

[1:04:19] I don't know.

[1:04:20] Like it's there's nothing there's nothing deeper than the immediate going on in this movie.

[1:04:25] Yeah.

[1:04:26] Yeah.

[1:04:27] It feels it feels like they they they took a movie.

[1:04:30] They took what should have been like the B subplot of a sequel like this flashback parallel line and tried to make it into its own movie.

[1:04:38] And they just don't have enough movie.

[1:04:39] They're not enough movie.

[1:04:41] Yeah.

[1:04:42] I know the movie looks pretty good.

[1:04:45] And I think Tessa Farmiga in particular, I liked her performance.

[1:04:49] But in general, I was just bored.

[1:04:51] I was just bored.

[1:04:52] I kind of wanted it either to be more of like a slow burn horror movie that focused on creeping you out or more of just like wacky.

[1:05:01] Like we're going to throw all kinds of scares at you.

[1:05:04] Tons more Frenchy.

[1:05:05] Tons more scenes where our leads when hiring Frenchy to take them to the Abbey accidentally put their bags on a truck that is not Frenchy's and it drives away.

[1:05:15] And Frenchy is like has a mule cart and he laughs at them and he calls for the truck to stop.

[1:05:20] And eagle eyed viewers will spot that the license plate on that truck says Valak on it as if Valak himself was trying to steal their luggage.

[1:05:31] Is that what he's in for the whole time is Valak's just trying to steal people's things?

[1:05:36] Yeah.

[1:05:37] He's like what's the best way to steal someone's things to become them by inhabiting their body because then it's your things.

[1:05:44] Yeah.

[1:05:45] Yeah.

[1:05:46] Possession is nine tenths of the law.

[1:05:49] Oh shoot.

[1:05:50] That would have been a great tagline.

[1:05:52] Oh boy.

[1:05:53] Yeah.

[1:05:54] If it was called Exorcist Cop whose possession is nine tenths of the law I'd watch that movie.

[1:06:00] Sure.

[1:06:01] So snorifying.

[1:06:03] Yeah.

[1:06:04] Three snorifyings.

[1:06:05] Okay.

[1:06:06] I'm glad you finally caught on to my arcane system of measurement.

[1:06:11] Well, Alexis, we got big news.

[1:06:13] Season one done.

[1:06:14] It's over.

[1:06:15] Season two coming at you hot.

[1:06:16] Three years after.

[1:06:17] Three and a half.

[1:06:18] Three and a half.

[1:06:19] Technically almost four years.

[1:06:20] All right.

[1:06:21] And now listen.

[1:06:22] You're at Can I Pet Your Dog, the Snapchat podcast.

[1:06:23] Our seasons run for three and a half years.

[1:06:24] And then in season two we come at you with new hot co-hosts named you.

[1:06:25] Hi, I'm Alexis.

[1:06:26] And I also am.

[1:06:27] All the field trips.

[1:06:28] I'm Alexis.

[1:06:29] And I'm Alexis.

[1:06:39] All the field trips.

[1:06:40] Dog tech.

[1:06:41] Yeah?

[1:06:42] Dog news.

[1:06:43] Dog news.

[1:06:44] Celebrity guests.

[1:06:45] Oh, big shots.

[1:06:46] Will not let them talk about their resume.

[1:06:47] Nope.

[1:06:48] Only the dogs.

[1:06:49] Yeah, only the dogs.

[1:06:50] I mean if ever you were going to get into Can I Pet Your Dog.

[1:06:51] Now's the time.

[1:06:52] Get in here.

[1:06:53] Every Tuesday.

[1:06:54] At MaximumFun.org.

[1:06:55] Listen, I'm a hotshot Hollywood movie producer.

[1:06:59] You have until I finish my glass of kombucha to pitch me your idea.

[1:07:03] Go.

[1:07:05] It's called Who Shot You, a movie podcast that isn't just a bunch of straight white

[1:07:08] dudes.

[1:07:09] I'm Ify Wighty-Waite, the new host of the show and a certified BBN.

[1:07:12] BBN?

[1:07:13] Buff Black Nerd.

[1:07:14] I'm Alonzo Doraldi, an elderly gay and legit film critic who wrote a book on Christmas

[1:07:18] movies.

[1:07:19] I'm Drea Clark, a loud white lady from Minnesota.

[1:07:22] Each week we talk about a new movie in theaters and all the important issues going on in the

[1:07:26] film industry.

[1:07:27] It's like Guess Who's Coming to Dinner meets Cruising.

[1:07:29] And if it helps seal the deal, I can flex my muscles while we record each episode.

[1:07:33] I'm sorry, this is a podcast?

[1:07:35] I'm a movie producer.

[1:07:37] How did you get in here?

[1:07:38] Ify, quick!

[1:07:39] Start flexing!

[1:07:40] Bicep!

[1:07:41] Lats!

[1:07:42] Chest!

[1:07:43] Who Shot You?

[1:07:44] Dropping every Friday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you listen to podcasts.

[1:07:49] And now on...

[1:07:50] To ads!

[1:07:51] Why are you pausing so much?

[1:07:52] And now on...

[1:07:53] I don't know what you expected me to say about that.

[1:07:56] Hold on.

[1:07:57] Hold on.

[1:07:58] Pause for audience laughter.

[1:07:59] Hold on.

[1:08:00] Is that where you're going to put the beep so people know to turn their page in the read

[1:08:03] aloud version of this?

[1:08:05] And now on...

[1:08:07] To ads!

[1:08:08] Oh, cool.

[1:08:09] Square...

[1:08:10] This podcast is sponsored in part by Squarespace.

[1:08:13] A dream is just a great idea that doesn't have a website yet.

[1:08:17] Make it a reality with Squarespace.

[1:08:20] Create a beautiful website to showcase your work, blog or publish content, sell products

[1:08:25] and services of all kinds, or whatever else you may want a website for.

[1:08:31] Squarespace does this by giving you beautiful, customizable, mobile-optimized templates created

[1:08:37] by world-class designers, built-in search engine optimization and analytics to help

[1:08:42] you grow 24-7, award-winning customer support.

[1:08:48] Check out squarespace.com slash flop for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch,

[1:08:53] use the offer code FLOP to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[1:08:58] Yeah.

[1:08:59] So I liked the energy on that read.

[1:09:04] Maybe 10% energy, more energy, and then like a little bit, because it's obviously, this

[1:09:10] is Shocktober, maybe like 5% more Dracula.

[1:09:14] Okay.

[1:09:15] Yeah, yeah.

[1:09:16] Like maybe you could have called it Scare Space at some point.

[1:09:18] Okay.

[1:09:19] Should I try the next one with 5% more Dracula?

[1:09:23] Yeah, and 10% more energy, like Dracula got hit by...

[1:09:27] Like Dracula took the blood of someone who's on a coke high right now.

[1:09:32] Yeah.

[1:09:33] I'm going to tell you right off the bat that 5% is a very hard amount of Dracula to have.

[1:09:38] Just a little touch of Dracula.

[1:09:39] Because you put Dracula into anything, it tends to take over the whole thing.

[1:09:43] Yeah, it dominates.

[1:09:45] So I'm going to...

[1:09:46] Yeah, that's the challenge.

[1:09:47] That's the challenge with Dracula.

[1:09:48] Oh, snap.

[1:09:49] Hello, fresh.

[1:09:50] Do not...

[1:09:51] Wait, sorry.

[1:09:52] No, that's the copy-tummy and whatnot to do.

[1:09:56] Yeah, I'm so into this idea of trying to Dracula-ize it.

[1:10:00] is that uh...

[1:10:01] yeah because a little bit of track distracted at five percent like so it's

[1:10:04] a little bit okay

[1:10:06] the flop house

[1:10:08] is brought to you in part by hello fresh

[1:10:11] uh... hello fresh makes cooking delicious meals at home a reality

[1:10:16] regardless of your comfort in the kitchen

[1:10:19] from step-by-step recipes to pre-measured ingredients you'll have

[1:10:24] everything you need

[1:10:26] to get a wow-worthy dinner on the table in just about thirty minutes

[1:10:32] easily change your delivery days, food preferences and skip a week

[1:10:36] whenever you need

[1:10:39] but when you're making your hello fresh

[1:10:41] never drink wine

[1:10:44] for a total of eight

[1:10:47] it's not that he hates wine, unless that's part of the copy

[1:10:51] he serves wine to other people, he just doesn't drink it

[1:10:56] if you're me, drink wine

[1:10:58] except for ninety five percent of the time

[1:11:01] because i'm only five percent dracula for a total of eighty dollars off your

[1:11:04] first month so ninety five percent of what he drinks is wine and five percent is blood

[1:11:09] like no water, no soda, it's just wine, that's the problem

[1:11:13] this guy has a problem dan

[1:11:15] for a total, is this johnny depp, you're being johnny depp right now

[1:11:20] for a total of eighty dollars off your first month

[1:11:23] that's twenty dollars off your first four boxes

[1:11:26] visit hellofresh.com

[1:11:28] slash flop eighty and enter promo code flop eighty, that's hellofresh.com

[1:11:32] slash flop

[1:11:34] flop eighty, promo code flop eighty

[1:11:36] for a total of eighty dollars off your first month, that last paragraph had the

[1:11:40] number eighty in it

[1:11:42] several times

[1:11:43] uh... you know which uh... wrong vampire dan, that's the count

[1:11:46] not dracula, the count would be interested in that

[1:11:49] yeah when i saw that ad read uh... car approaching the uh... the

[1:11:54] curve of wow worthy

[1:11:57] i was not expecting you to handle it as well as you did dan, well done

[1:12:01] i think that was, i'm going to give you a solid B plus on that

[1:12:05] wow, B plus, you can put that on your fridge

[1:12:08] hey there are no other

[1:12:10] there are not any other formal advertisements but i i do want to do

[1:12:14] a quick favor for a former flop house guest co-host

[1:12:19] uh... frank lesser who did uh... i believe next

[1:12:23] the episode next and maybe one other

[1:12:26] uh... former colbert writer has a new

[1:12:28] thing out on imdb titled you're not a monster, it's a cartoon, a new thing

[1:12:32] it's a new cartoon

[1:12:34] out on imdb called you're not a monster about a therapist for monsters

[1:12:39] has a lot of big names involved so i don't know why he wanted me to mention

[1:12:42] it because what can i do but

[1:12:44] it stars eric stonestreet, kelsey grammer and aparna nancherla

[1:12:48] as the uh...

[1:12:51] yeah i knew i was going to fuck it up, she's hilarious but i have bad tongue

[1:12:56] uh... for talking

[1:12:57] and um...

[1:12:58] to find

[1:13:00] for the next stage of your quest you'll need the help of daniel badtongue

[1:13:05] he's a bard in a far off village, i don't know why he's a bard, his tongue is bad

[1:13:10] and has guests like ellie kimper, patton oswalt, amber ruffin and amy sedaris

[1:13:15] great cast obviously so check out you're not a monster

[1:13:18] and now

[1:13:19] you've called in your chit frank lesser

[1:13:22] wow his marker, come to me no more

[1:13:27] uh... you like the show, no it's a good show

[1:13:29] he's funny, these are all funny people

[1:13:32] uh... so

[1:13:33] i should mention uh... there's

[1:13:35] this is coming out, i think this episode is what being released on saturday

[1:13:39] october twelfth yes and we're going to be in lala land right

[1:13:42] we're in los angeles today if you're hearing this episode

[1:13:46] the day it is released

[1:13:47] we are in los angeles tonight at the regent theater at seven p.m. uh... i

[1:13:51] don't know if there's going to be tickets left available by then but it's

[1:13:54] worth trying

[1:13:55] uh... so

[1:13:56] maybe there'll be some left

[1:13:58] the regent theater

[1:13:59] we're going to be talking about dark phoenix the movie that killed the x-men series

[1:14:02] for now

[1:14:05] now it is my understanding

[1:14:07] elliot that the uh... the people in l.a.

[1:14:10] are often uh...

[1:14:13] uh... walk up at the door and buy ticket types they like to put things off

[1:14:17] because there's a lot of

[1:14:19] driving around cars maybe they don't necessarily want to know until the day

[1:14:22] whether they're coming

[1:14:23] uh...

[1:14:24] i know you're trying to

[1:14:25] create a sense of scarcity by saying i don't know if there are going to be tickets left

[1:14:29] but i do not want to discourage anyone

[1:14:32] who last minute wants to take a shot at coming to the show

[1:14:36] because uh...

[1:14:37] i hope we can get everyone in

[1:14:39] uh... okay

[1:14:40] so uh... so dan's

[1:14:42] you're you're not you're hat in hand on your knees yeah well i mean we're trying

[1:14:46] two different and opposing sales techniques

[1:14:50] you know i'm the i'm the good cop to elliot's bad cop

[1:14:53] uh... i think i would call it good salesman to your bad salesman okay well i

[1:14:57] just i don't want to discourage you know possible sales that's all

[1:15:01] yeah is this uh... is this your audition for a sales job

[1:15:06] i mean i guess you do ad reads

[1:15:08] for every uh... every time you do one of these shows and i mean

[1:15:11] they're great

[1:15:12] yeah you do a good job people love them

[1:15:15] wow worthy i would describe them uh... so we uh... so yeah so we're doing a show in

[1:15:19] los angeles if you come up and ask dan a riddle and stump him

[1:15:23] uh... he'll take his picture with you and then you'll have his soul

[1:15:28] to be fair though dan is very good with riddles so really challenge him

[1:15:33] you gotta give him a samson level riddle

[1:15:37] oh shit about like

[1:15:39] honey and lions and stuff

[1:15:43] so that's today the day this episode comes out in downtown los angeles come

[1:15:47] down and see the show it's going to be fun it's seven p m dark phoenix

[1:15:51] uh... dan what do we do next on this show well next we're going to answer a few letters

[1:15:55] or or

[1:15:56] or read them if there's nothing to answer

[1:15:58] from listeners i don't want to cover all of this

[1:16:02] i don't want to hammer this in i don't want to be the victim of a class action

[1:16:07] lawsuit of all the listeners who are like i thought you were just going to answer questions

[1:16:10] not read

[1:16:12] i want to pull the curtain back a little bit elliot's been uh...

[1:16:16] skyping with us and leaving his phone unlocked he keeps walking around the room

[1:16:20] doing something i had to make sure to plug my phone in

[1:16:25] i thought i had enough battery for the whole session i didn't i'm skyping on my phone

[1:16:29] because i had an issue with my

[1:16:31] zoom recorder that i'm still working on so i'm using my computer as a backup

[1:16:35] recording device

[1:16:36] and so in order so that i don't have problems with audacity

[1:16:40] the recording program on my computer

[1:16:41] i am skyping on the phone instead of on the computer so we've pulled back the curtain

[1:16:46] on the least interesting thing i've done well you made it less interesting i was just saying it was crazy

[1:16:51] yeah but also uh... apologies to listeners if any like

[1:16:55] fumblings or rumblings are audible or if dan and stewart seem confused by the way the camera is

[1:17:02] spinning out of control

[1:17:05] guys i think i hired darren aronofsky to shoot my skype conversation

[1:17:11] and if you're not ready for that kind of high-intensity camera work

[1:17:16] it's like elliot's stem chip is kicked in and he's about to battle some dudes

[1:17:21] uh... alright so that's great um...

[1:17:24] letters

[1:17:25] this first one is from adam last name withheld who writes everything sure

[1:17:30] let's see if he ruins our podcast

[1:17:31] dear peaches

[1:17:33] you've seen a lot of bad bad movies that are bad in part because they fail to take

[1:17:36] advantage of the medium

[1:17:38] or because of lackluster acting and or poor directorial choices

[1:17:43] which flop house movie do you think failed as a film

[1:17:46] but whose story could be turned into a legitimately good work of written fiction

[1:17:51] yours in flopitude adam last name withheld

[1:17:55] i think we go to this well a lot for this kind of

[1:17:59] uh... question actually but for whatever reason but i think maybe the odd life of

[1:18:03] timothy green could be

[1:18:05] turned into a fairly

[1:18:08] interestingly offbeat

[1:18:10] young adults fancy book i mean just a little you know i get it

[1:18:15] like an anamorph

[1:18:16] type thing are you trying to get back in uh... lin-manuel miranda's good graces

[1:18:20] uh...

[1:18:21] yeah that i could be

[1:18:23] the bim bam is coming to brooklyn and there's always the off chance i could

[1:18:26] run into him

[1:18:28] uh... i don't know uh...

[1:18:30] but i feel like there's something about that like

[1:18:33] the whimsy of it i feel like would go better down on the page

[1:18:37] somehow i think you're probably right by uh... you know i mean uh...

[1:18:42] go on a limb here but i think

[1:18:44] i think there's something about those

[1:18:45] fifty shades of gray movies right that's not going to make some hot books yeah

[1:18:50] think about it some hot really poorly written books maybe

[1:18:54] i don't i don't know why you'd say that uh...

[1:18:58] uh... or

[1:19:00] uh... i feel like i'm also uh... i mean i have another one that isn't a joke

[1:19:04] uh... that

[1:19:05] lesson was a joke and i don't know why you're you're large reaction to use

[1:19:08] expressions enjoyed it

[1:19:10] uh...

[1:19:12] you know uh... you try it but we don't want to hold on to it

[1:19:16] uh...

[1:19:18] yes

[1:19:19] uh...

[1:19:21] uh...

[1:19:22] yet

[1:19:23] he did it the perfect outcrop

[1:19:26] yeah i did it was uh... somebody stop it

[1:19:29] okay

[1:19:30] no no no

[1:19:31] that's the best lawyers are going to get it

[1:19:35] uh...

[1:19:36] i was gonna say although i think this uh... i think it goes the dynamite i

[1:19:40] think we've got a we've got a set of this one

[1:19:42] uh... this movie actually kind of worked a bit i think it would be it would make

[1:19:45] a fun uh...

[1:19:47] like a written paperback thriller was the halle berry movie kidnapped

[1:19:51] uh... yeah

[1:19:52] where a mother and the aid of her

[1:19:55] uh... very uh... sensibly uh... gas

[1:20:00] Uh, SUV managed... I don't know what I was fucking trying to say.

[1:20:04] It was a town and country, right?

[1:20:06] Yeah. Her SUV and her managed to thwart kidnappers.

[1:20:10] And it's great, and I think it would make a fun paperback thriller.

[1:20:14] I think, this is going to sound weird, but I think the Book of Henry,

[1:20:19] if it was a French or Japanese comic, and had some changes, I think could have worked.

[1:20:26] I think it being from another country would have made some of the strange things about it

[1:20:30] that were off-putting seem quirky and fun.

[1:20:33] And I think if it was in a comic book form, and we weren't watching actual human beings

[1:20:38] trying to be these characters, then they might have been more viable, more believable.

[1:20:43] So would it just be called Henry then, instead of the Book of Henry?

[1:20:46] And if it was French, would it just be called Henri?

[1:20:49] Look, that's up to whoever decides to do it. Mobius, I guess.

[1:20:53] Oh, wow! Back from the grave.

[1:20:56] All right. So this is an interesting next letter.

[1:21:00] It's good, because it'll be a counterpoint to some of the other religious content.

[1:21:10] Dan, we already told you, we don't want to join.

[1:21:14] So this is from Julie. This is from Julie, last name withheld.

[1:21:20] Julie Christie, okay.

[1:21:22] She writes, my son is turning 13 soon, and as a bribe to study his Torah portion,

[1:21:28] I've promised him he can watch Deadpool once he becomes a man.

[1:21:33] Wow, mazel tov. What every bar mitzvah boy dreams of, watching Deadpool.

[1:21:38] What are other coming-of-age movies you can recommend?

[1:21:41] Wait, other coming-of-age movies?

[1:21:43] Yeah, the implications that Deadpool is a coming-of-age movie.

[1:21:46] What are coming-of-age movies you can recommend? Let's put it that way, then.

[1:21:50] Bonus points if it's something he can watch with his mom.

[1:21:53] Extra bonus points if any nerd characters aren't coded as Jewish.

[1:21:57] Oh, yikes.

[1:22:00] So wait, it is confusing to me, because she does say other coming-of-age movies,

[1:22:04] so she may just be saying, what are some other movies that he can watch now that he has become a man?

[1:22:10] Or he could be asking, she could be asking...

[1:22:12] No, coming-of-age movies like Deadpool, so Deadpool 2 right off the bat.

[1:22:15] Or she could be asking for, like, Stand By Me.

[1:22:17] Wait, that's the subtitle?

[1:22:19] Yeah, Deadpool 2 right off the bat.

[1:22:22] So, Dan, you're going to recommend, like, Cheeky or some shit?

[1:22:24] No, no, I'm looking at this question in such a different light now,

[1:22:30] because it's clear to me now that we're supposed to recommend things

[1:22:34] that may not have been appropriate for him as a child,

[1:22:37] but now that he is Bar Mitzvahed...

[1:22:39] I mean, I feel like, my recommendation...

[1:22:40] So, like, The Cello?

[1:22:44] Yeah, I don't know, that's an older movie, right?

[1:22:46] I mean, old movies can get a pass, right?

[1:22:48] That'd be like PG in nowadays climate.

[1:22:50] It would be what?

[1:22:51] It would be rated PG.

[1:22:54] There's some director who's like, you couldn't make Cello today.

[1:22:57] He's like, well, they could barely make it then, it's horrifying.

[1:22:59] I guess you could watch the movie that brought me into manhood,

[1:23:02] Just One of the Guys.

[1:23:04] No, no, I feel like maybe a movie like Stand By Me probably might be more what she's looking for.

[1:23:10] Again, I'm not sure at this point whether it's actual coming-of-age films that are...

[1:23:14] Coming-of-age movies, the two that popped into my head were Edge of Seventeen,

[1:23:20] a recent teen drama, it's great.

[1:23:23] The teenagers act like teenagers and they have, like, real problems.

[1:23:29] And I was going to say Ginger Snaps,

[1:23:32] which is like one of my favorite horror coming-of-age stories

[1:23:35] about two sisters who are dealing with getting older and also becoming a werewolf.

[1:23:43] I mean, do you think, like, eighth grade falls into that type of area or region?

[1:23:49] I guess.

[1:23:51] Or what about, like, Breaking Away?

[1:23:54] That's a blast from the past, huh? Breaking Away?

[1:23:57] Wait, is that the one about bicycles?

[1:24:00] The bicycle one.

[1:24:01] Is that the one that shot it? That's the one in Indiana, right?

[1:24:04] Yeah.

[1:24:05] Cool.

[1:24:06] All right, anyway, that was Breaking Away talk.

[1:24:08] I hope we answered your question.

[1:24:10] Anyway, moving on.

[1:24:11] I feel like both of mine are…

[1:24:12] Coming-of-age movies.

[1:24:13] I feel like both of mine are…

[1:24:14] Coming-of-age works.

[1:24:15] Yeah.

[1:24:16] I think I want this…

[1:24:17] All the best ones I can think of actually…

[1:24:18] I want this person to write in with a…

[1:24:20] Go on.

[1:24:21] I want this writer to write in with a better…

[1:24:23] with a clarification of what they're asking for.

[1:24:25] Yeah, perhaps.

[1:24:26] Unless they're just trying to get us to write a check for $18 to send to the bar mitzvah.

[1:24:31] Yeah.

[1:24:32] Nope.

[1:24:33] Not going to fall for it.

[1:24:34] In conclusion, Ghost World.

[1:24:36] Moving on.

[1:24:37] Derek, last name withheld.

[1:24:39] Mm-hmm.

[1:24:40] Let's do this.

[1:24:41] Yep.

[1:24:42] Hello, Dan, parentheses, and Elliot and Stu.

[1:24:44] Just wanted to say that I started listening to your podcast this last year due to the

[1:24:48] credit of my office mate, Matt and I…

[1:24:50] Oh, sorry.

[1:24:51] Due to the credit of my office mate.

[1:24:52] There should be a period there.

[1:24:54] Matt and I heard…

[1:24:55] Wow.

[1:24:56] Thanks for writing it, too.

[1:24:57] Dan McCoy, letter corrector.

[1:24:58] Well, can I…

[1:24:59] If I'm going to read it, I need…

[1:25:01] It's like a teleprompter.

[1:25:02] I'm going to read whatever's on there.

[1:25:06] Matt and I heard the, quote, interruption of Dan opening a package that ended up being

[1:25:11] a water pick at the suggestion of his dentist.

[1:25:13] I actually just got the same…

[1:25:15] It was riveting radio.

[1:25:17] I got the same recommendation from the dentist myself because I hate flossing and my gums

[1:25:22] could use it.

[1:25:23] So I was wondering if you could send me your impressions of it once you've gotten the

[1:25:26] hang of it a bit so I can convince my wife I need to get one, too.

[1:25:29] Thank you very much.

[1:25:30] Derek, last name withheld.

[1:25:31] First, I have to say, Derek, your wife seems far more concerned about your finances than

[1:25:38] your health right now.

[1:25:39] Wow.

[1:25:40] I don't know that you need to convince her that your gum health is worth the money to

[1:25:46] get the water pick.

[1:25:47] So you're saying this is kind of a Joan Cusack and Adams Family Values type situation where

[1:25:51] she's going to try to murder him for his millions.

[1:25:53] Yeah.

[1:25:54] I want you to look into this.

[1:25:55] Have you taken out any life insurance policies recently?

[1:25:59] Yeah.

[1:26:01] You know what?

[1:26:02] Here's the thing.

[1:26:03] The last time I went to a Best Buy and bought teeth, they're like, do you want to get an

[1:26:10] insurance plan on this?

[1:26:11] I'm like, I don't know.

[1:26:12] It feels like a scam, but what happens if my teeth just fall right out of my head?

[1:26:16] How much is it?

[1:26:19] They're like, well, we don't cover accidental damage.

[1:26:21] I'm like, but what other kinds of problems would my teeth have other than accidental

[1:26:25] damage?

[1:26:27] Really, they're just telling you peace of mind, Stuart.

[1:26:30] The album, Peace of Mind.

[1:26:32] Earlier in the day, my ghoul friend saw that I was going to answer this question, and she's

[1:26:38] like, oh, I've got water pick thoughts, but then she had to shower and leave the apartment.

[1:26:42] So she texted me just now.

[1:26:44] Okay, so let's unpack that.

[1:26:46] Dan is bragging that he has a girlfriend who keeps clean, and he is telling us how he himself

[1:26:52] did not prepare anything for this letter.

[1:26:55] No, no, I didn't subcontract it.

[1:26:57] Unbidden, she has texted me water pick thoughts because she was upset that she did not get

[1:27:02] to express them earlier.

[1:27:04] It's also what it tells me also is that he talks to his ghoul friend about the questions

[1:27:08] for the show and gives her much more time to think of an answer than us, who were sent

[1:27:12] the questions a half hour before recording.

[1:27:14] Equal amount of time.

[1:27:16] So she says, it's good, but it's only better than regular flossing because it's easy to

[1:27:22] use properly.

[1:27:24] A lot of people don't floss right.

[1:27:26] That's a big thing.

[1:27:28] That's a big thing, though.

[1:27:30] Yeah, why are you arguing with this text from her?

[1:27:32] It's only better because it does the job easier.

[1:27:35] Okay, well.

[1:27:37] That's a good answer.

[1:27:38] Okay, continue.

[1:27:39] So if you're good at flossing, it's whatever.

[1:27:41] Electric toothbrushes, on the other hand, there's no way a human hand can replicate the speed

[1:27:46] of the electric toothbrush, so it's way better.

[1:27:49] Way better.

[1:27:50] All caps.

[1:27:51] Good dental hygiene is key, especially because insurance hates covering it, and if you have

[1:27:57] shitty insurance, good fucking luck.

[1:27:59] So that's her dental corner, a subset of our normal podcast.

[1:28:07] Which I guess is a new regular segment of the Flop House.

[1:28:11] Next we'll be talking about how it's affected Dan's bad breath, or good breath.

[1:28:16] Maybe it's good breath, yeah.

[1:28:18] I have no idea.

[1:28:19] I can't spell myself.

[1:28:21] As a vampire, dental hygiene is very important.

[1:28:25] I can't bite into a neck if my teeth are not sharp and strong.

[1:28:30] So I recommend being a vampire.

[1:28:33] Now that's what I call 100% Dracula.

[1:28:36] Yeah, you got a perfect score from the judges.

[1:28:42] From the Transylvanian Institute of Dracula Studies.

[1:28:45] Now we recommend movies you should watch.

[1:28:48] Definitely instead of The Nun, I would say.

[1:28:51] You watch any movies lately, Dan?

[1:28:54] Yeah, I have.

[1:28:57] I'm looking over.

[1:28:58] Nothing in my letterbox has gotten more than three and a half stars recently.

[1:29:02] So should one of the other ones of us talk?

[1:29:06] No, no, no.

[1:29:09] Because it is Shocktober, I will give a three and a half star recommendation to the Child's Play remake.

[1:29:18] Shocktober, the era of lowered expectations.

[1:29:23] That kind of is how I enter most horror movies, even though I love them so much.

[1:29:27] I mean, that is true.

[1:29:29] I love horror movies, and yet every time I watch a new one, I'm like, well, this is probably going to suck.

[1:29:33] Or even an old one.

[1:29:35] And I don't mean suck as a pun on Dracula, who of course sucks blood.

[1:29:39] I just got that.

[1:29:42] Now, quickly, Child's Play remake is fun because it actually shoots off in a different, equally wacky direction with the Chucky character

[1:29:54] and not being a possessed doll of the spirit of a serial killer that is transformed.

[1:30:00] But I think a voodoo ritual? I can't remember.

[1:30:02] Yeah.

[1:30:02] Um, in this case, it is a malfunctioning doll that has, at one point, basically dominion over all other wired, uh, things around him.

[1:30:13] Uh, it's, it's, it does this internet thing.

[1:30:15] Is it like John Belushi?

[1:30:17] I can see Stewart getting very upset about this, but, like, it's done with such wackiness.

[1:30:22] Like, there's basically a scene in the beginning of the movie, like the, that Simpsons thing, where it's like,

[1:30:27] oh, here's your problem, the doll's set to evil.

[1:30:29] Like, there's a scene where he, like, turns off, like, the violence inhibitor at the factory, like a disgruntled, like, worker.

[1:30:36] Does he, does he still have the voice of Brad Dourif?

[1:30:38] No, it's Mark Hamill on this one.

[1:30:40] Okay, that's pretty good. That's pretty good.

[1:30:42] Anyway, it's, it's, it's, it's very goofy.

[1:30:45] It has, like, Brad Dourif played Luke Skywalker.

[1:30:50] I think we'll get a little something, like this.

[1:30:52] Hey, I'm Brad Dourif, I'm here to play Luke Skywalker.

[1:30:55] Oh, thanks for coming, Brad.

[1:30:56] Here, pick up this lightsaber.

[1:30:57] What? Light, what?

[1:30:59] What?

[1:31:00] Oh, yeah, it's one of these, it's a kooky, crazy weapon from a kind of outer space fantasy land.

[1:31:04] What, from, like, the future?

[1:31:06] No, actually from a long time ago.

[1:31:07] This doesn't make any sense.

[1:31:09] Well, show me my costume.

[1:31:11] Well, it's basically like a karate gi, and then you're wearing, like, legging pajama pants underneath it, like thermal underwear.

[1:31:16] What?

[1:31:17] What, why, so I'm, I'm living somewhere cold, that's why I need thermal leggings?

[1:31:20] No, you're actually on a desert planet, it's very hot there.

[1:31:23] What?

[1:31:24] This doesn't make any sense.

[1:31:25] I've got to talk to the director.

[1:31:27] Actually, I'm the director, my name is George Lucas.

[1:31:29] What, what, huh, what?

[1:31:31] The director of American Graffiti?

[1:31:32] What?

[1:31:33] Wait, you haven't directed a science fiction film before?

[1:31:36] I did, actually, THX 1138, it was both a short and a feature film.

[1:31:39] What?

[1:31:40] You're telling me there's George Lucas movies I haven't seen?

[1:31:42] Well, maybe, I've only made, like, a couple movies, you could have seen them both, but maybe you're a busy man.

[1:31:46] I'm very busy making a little movie called Wiseblood, good day, sir.

[1:31:50] Famously surprised actor, Brad Dourif.

[1:31:55] Nobody does surprised like Brad Dourif.

[1:31:57] Yeah, that's actually, that's what happened when they had him play Grima Wormtongue, is he got so surprised his eyebrows just flew off his forehead.

[1:32:06] Just to tie off my recommendation.

[1:32:07] And then when, and then Dune came along and he was like, I cannot blow off another science fiction blockbuster, that was a big mistake.

[1:32:14] Just quickly, to sum up, Child's Play is goofy, it's got gorier kills than I expected out of a big budget reboot, if that's your thing,

[1:32:23] and Aubrey Plaza and Brian Tyree Henry are in it, and they're both good.

[1:32:29] They're also my thing.

[1:32:30] Yeah, so that's it.

[1:32:33] Cool.

[1:32:34] Stu, you want to go or should I go?

[1:32:36] Yeah, I guess I am going to recommend a movie that, I may have mentioned on the show before,

[1:32:44] I'm going to recommend one of those Netflix original horror movies.

[1:32:49] This one is called The Velvet Buzzsaw, or just Velvet Buzzsaw.

[1:32:55] It is a movie set in L.A.'s busy and crazy art scene, and it has to do with evil art that kills people, and it is incredibly silly.

[1:33:10] Jake Gyllenhaal and Tony Collette and a bunch of other folks give some really fun, wacky performances.

[1:33:18] It kind of feels like if somebody took a late period, like late in the series, Final Destination movie, or like Wishmaster movie,

[1:33:28] and just cast it with a really good, gave it a really good cast, and had Dan Gilroy direct it.

[1:33:36] And it's really silly, and there's, any time a character dies, I'm like, oh yeah, this is a horror movie.

[1:33:43] Because before that, I was like, oh, this is just a silly, weird movie.

[1:33:48] And yeah, I mean, it's one of those things where if you're looking for a serious horror movie,

[1:33:54] you know, serious with a capital frown, you probably won't be happy with it.

[1:33:59] Or if you're looking for like an actual, like, reasoned critique of the art world, you'll also be disappointed.

[1:34:07] But if you're looking for like a wacky time at the pictures, go over to your Netflix and queue up Velvet Buzzsaw.

[1:34:17] Renee Russo's in it too.

[1:34:20] Of course, she's married to the director.

[1:34:22] Wow, that makes it sound like that's the only reason that she was employed.

[1:34:27] But like, you know.

[1:34:27] Let's just clarify.

[1:34:29] I wanted to.

[1:34:31] I'm saying it's more, it's a show of how the director was able to land her for the movie.

[1:34:34] Yes.

[1:34:35] Because he landed her, if you know what I mean.

[1:34:38] Weird, you're being weird.

[1:34:41] Is this, is it less weird if I say it like this?

[1:34:45] Well, don't do that Brad Dour thing with your eyebrows anymore, please.

[1:34:49] What?

[1:34:50] That means you're either growing them very long or shearing them off.

[1:34:54] He's very much an eyebrow based actor.

[1:34:58] Okay, guys, I'm going to recommend a movie about the scariest thing of all, colonial oppression.

[1:35:02] That's right.

[1:35:03] It's Emetai.

[1:35:04] It's a Senegalese movie from 1971, directed by the father of Senegalese cinema, Ousmane Sembène.

[1:35:11] And it's the story of a village in Senegal during World War II, when the French were still the colonial occupiers of the country.

[1:35:20] And they are forcing the villages first to send them their men, so that they're young men, so that they can serve in the war, and then to send them their rice harvests, so that they can feed the soldiers.

[1:35:29] And this village decides that it's going to resist.

[1:35:32] The women of the village engage in a kind of silent, unified resistance, while the men of the village spend all their time arguing about what they're going to do, and how they're going to do it, and whether it's right or not.

[1:35:44] And it's this combination of—it's a movie on a deliberate pace, but it's this combination of this really beautiful color photography of Senegal, and also a few very funny and a few very suspenseful scenes, but also this is real Marxist filmmaking, in a way that I'm not used to seeing in American movies, where it is very much about the unified effort of a community,

[1:36:09] the way that individualism can distort or make impossible those efforts, but also really putting you in the place of an oppressed people in a colonial setting, and the only way that they can even try to escape, which inevitably is going to lead probably to tragedy, but is an attempt at least to stand up for themselves.

[1:36:31] – Kind of like McCabe and Mrs. Miller?

[1:37:01] It's during the time when Marshal Pétain has been replaced by Charles de Gaulle as the official French leader, and this one Senegalese conscript is like, wait a minute, but Pétain was seven-star general, and de Gaulle is a two-star.

[1:37:16] Two-star can't tell what seven-star would do. This is crazy, like just showing how crazy it is to be an empire in a way because this place that is so far away that the things that are happening in France are mostly irrelevant.

[1:37:30] It still has to deal with these issues and understand them when really they shouldn't have to be involved in them at all.

[1:37:36] Anyway, I'm making it sound more complicated than it is. It's called Amitai. I liked it.

[1:37:41] – Yay! And how does that movie fall into the – oh, I guess you explained how it fits into the Shocktober theme.

[1:37:49] – Oh, the scariest thing of all, being oppressed by a colonial occupier because, guys, look, a little doll that kills people or like –

[1:37:59] – Or a painting.

[1:38:01] – Or a painting that kills people, it's not going to oppress an entire country.

[1:38:06] – No, you're right. You're right.

[1:38:08] – Actually, to be honest, the body count in Amitai is probably higher than in either of those movies.

[1:38:13] – So it fits into my description of a horror movie.

[1:38:16] – Oh, there's at least – there's multiple deaths in it, so it is a horror movie. Yeah, there you go.

[1:38:20] I mean and there's a scene where one of the characters literally argues with his gods who argue back, so there's kind of like a mystical scene, so it's kind of like The Nun 2.

[1:38:29] – Oh, wow. Like The Nun 2, the movie that's coming soon because the first one did so well.

[1:38:35] – The Nun 2, Amitai, in which Valak, the demon, is in Senegal as a French oppressor.

[1:38:42] – So I have a question, Elliot, and it's about the errands that you're going to do after this podcast, part of the reason that we're trying to keep things short.

[1:38:52] – So you're both bringing the audience in on something that is irrelevant to them and also taking longer on the podcast recording that I would like to finish up relatively soon since I have an appointment.

[1:39:03] – No, I mean this is to close things off a little. When your wife asked you what kind of bed you wanted, did you go Murphy?

[1:39:16] – So allow me to explain the context of this remark. In order to turn our living room into more of a guest room area, you're going to get a Murphy bed or perhaps a cabinet bed, a wall bed you could call it.

[1:39:30] – And so we are going to a place – I won't say the name because they have not paid me to advertise them and I don't know if I like their products yet.

[1:39:36] – We are going to a place to look at and find out more about and try out different wall beds or cabinet beds which are commonly called Murphy beds.

[1:39:44] – And so that is why Dan, in his Robocop-based joke, decided to say that that's how I said what kind of bed I wanted.

[1:39:51] – This is all information that is irrelevant to the listener. It is prolonging the episode at a time when we should just be coming to a close.

[1:40:00] I have a life and the way my home is laid out in a way that I'm not comfortable with

[1:40:03] the audience.

[1:40:04] No.

[1:40:05] I kind of like how how Dan's joke I mean we can call it a joke how it how it kind of charitable

[1:40:11] it kind of reminds the listener that like the way that movies can affect our everyday

[1:40:15] life you know.

[1:40:16] I just want to say I'm pretty sure the listener loved what just happened.

[1:40:23] I mean speaking for the listener I think it was a combination of first confusion and then

[1:40:28] boredom and then ultimately acceptance as they pass from this life into the nether realm.

[1:40:36] Well let's close.

[1:40:37] So you're suggesting they laugh so hard they like the weasels and who framed Roger Rabbit

[1:40:41] turned into little ghosts with harps and floated up and what exactly is that.

[1:40:47] Does that mean that those weasels went to heaven.

[1:40:51] That's because the animated God Walt Disney is of course a forgiving God that's the mystery

[1:40:56] of his of his forgiveness and his faith in that all creatures of animation will ultimately

[1:41:01] be accepted to heaven except for Horace Horse Collar.

[1:41:04] He knows what he did.

[1:41:06] Well you're certainly not making this podcast shorter now.

[1:41:09] Actually who would you put if there was a if there was a you Dan this you kicked this

[1:41:15] door open.

[1:41:16] Don't be unhappy when I march right through it following you.

[1:41:18] I was trying to tie things off with ghost weasels which is a great way to end this October

[1:41:23] episode.

[1:41:24] Go on we're standing at it when we're standing at a restaurant table about to sit down and

[1:41:28] not wait anymore and you point to a restaurant three miles away and say no let's go there

[1:41:32] follow me.

[1:41:33] Don't be mad when I do follow you and we have to get to that restaurant and I have to rethink

[1:41:36] what I'm going to order.

[1:41:38] OK.

[1:41:39] So so just which anime characters do you think would be in hell.

[1:41:42] Cool cat for sure.

[1:41:43] Right.

[1:41:44] Because that guy's a dick.

[1:41:45] Yeah.

[1:41:46] Yeah.

[1:41:47] Fritz the cat too.

[1:41:48] Obviously we're going to stick probably a lot of cats cats snaggle puss of course because

[1:41:51] of the sins of the flesh.

[1:41:52] Yeah.

[1:41:53] I mean I think obviously Jabba Jar will go straight to heaven because he forwent his

[1:41:59] his you know desire to murder and eat teenagers to instead just start a band with them.

[1:42:05] You don't know that.

[1:42:06] Have you seen the Neptunes around lately.

[1:42:07] That's true.

[1:42:08] Yeah.

[1:42:09] I would imagine the the what is it.

[1:42:14] It's two young women who have to look after Captain Caveman right.

[1:42:17] They're probably going to hell because of all their work dealing with their difficult

[1:42:21] Captain Caveman.

[1:42:22] Yeah.

[1:42:23] Oh they're going to heaven.

[1:42:24] But you have to assume that Captain Caveman having been born at a time before Christ and

[1:42:27] not being able to accept him as a savior is going to be in that that area of hell set

[1:42:31] aside for noble pagans because it doesn't get more noble than that.

[1:42:34] And what is it.

[1:42:35] And what do I tell you about preaching to me Captain.

[1:42:37] I mean I mean wait that was really weird.

[1:42:41] Obviously Count Dracula though.

[1:42:42] I mean as nice as he seems to be has cursed is damned for all eternity as a vampire.

[1:42:47] Oh yeah.

[1:42:48] Well here's the thing though.

[1:42:49] Hot stuff.

[1:42:50] I think he's going to hell.

[1:42:51] I think he's going to heaven.

[1:42:53] Well let's that's all October stuff October stuff so let's end there instead.

[1:42:59] For the podcast.

[1:43:01] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:43:03] You know I've been Stuart Wellington and I'd also like to plug our network Maximum Fun.

[1:43:06] Oh yeah.

[1:43:07] Listen to this and there's plenty of other great podcasts there.

[1:43:09] Some are Shocktober late.

[1:43:11] Some are not.

[1:43:14] Yep.

[1:43:15] Gordon Shumway.

[1:43:16] A.K.A.

[1:43:17] Alf.

[1:43:18] And thanks to Jordan for editing the show.

[1:43:19] And Jordan Cowling you mean.

[1:43:20] Yes.

[1:43:21] OK.

[1:43:22] And yeah.

[1:43:23] Listen to Maximum Fun podcast.

[1:43:24] Please tell people about the Flophouse podcast.

[1:43:25] Write about us on Twitter or Instagram or Facebook or whatever.

[1:43:29] Review us on iTunes.

[1:43:30] Give us a good review.

[1:43:31] Give us a lot of good reviews.

[1:43:32] Yeah.

[1:43:33] The better reviews the better.

[1:43:34] Yeah.

[1:43:35] And tell people about us.

[1:43:36] And thanks for listening.

[1:43:37] For the Flophouse.

[1:43:38] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:43:39] I've been Elliot Kaelin.

[1:43:40] And I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:43:41] Bye bye.

[1:43:42] That's actually going to confuse people who don't know our names.

[1:43:48] That's OK.

[1:43:51] And we're out.

[1:43:52] And over.

[1:44:02] Everything is coming up Flophouse.

[1:44:05] Hey.

[1:44:06] Hey.

[1:44:07] Hey E-Man.

[1:44:08] What's up?

[1:44:09] Hey S-Dude.

[1:44:10] Oh you know.

[1:44:11] Just living.

[1:44:12] Stu.

[1:44:13] JK Living.

[1:44:14] Loving and laughing.

[1:44:15] Just living, loving and laughing.

[1:44:16] You know if you ain't laughing you ain't living.

[1:44:17] And if you ain't loving then you're not also living I guess.

[1:44:18] And if you love lemons you'll laugh loudly.

Ep. #295 - The Nun

Chapters

Transcript

Description