Ep. #295 - The Nun

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode of the Flophouse, we discuss the nun!

[0:04] Boo! Spooky!

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse!

[0:43] My name's Stan McCoy.

[0:44] Wait, Dan, why are you so operatic today?

[0:47] Oh, I was trying for ghoulishness and tingles up the spine.

Elliott Kalan

[0:54] Oh, I guess your voice is just too beautiful.

[0:56] Because all I felt was that you were a beautiful beso profundo.

Dan McCoy

[1:00] I am pretty profound.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02] Dan, do you want to introduce yourself again so Elliot can step on it?

Dan McCoy

[1:04] Okay, I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07] Oh, wow, okay, you got through it.

[1:09] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:13] No, it didn't work for me either.

[1:14] I couldn't get spooky there.

Dan McCoy

[1:16] She should have said Elliot Kalin, and then maybe...

Elliott Kalan

[1:20] Last time I did that, Dan, I was thrown in jail for being too cool.

[1:25] Okay.

[1:26] Oh, wow.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27] The judge at kids' court's pretty rough nowadays.

[1:30] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1:31] Yeah, he's a hanging judge.

[1:33] Oh, wow.

[1:34] That makes sense.

Dan McCoy

[1:34] I mean, it's all on the payroll.

[1:36] We call this thing we're doing the Flophouse.

[1:39] We call it that.

[1:40] Other people also call it that, because that's its name.

[1:42] The Flophouse, where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[1:45] And the reason for the season.

[1:47] Yeah, we're in the most blessed season, Shocktober, where we used to say we watch slightly more

[1:55] horror movies than normal.

[1:57] Now they've pretty much all been corralled to Shocktober.

[1:59] We don't actually usually watch any.

Stuart Wellington

[2:01] I come to Dan, DVD in hand, and I say, please, Dan, I know it's June, but can we maybe call

[2:08] it June?

[2:10] Scary June or something?

[2:12] Watch a horror movie?

Dan McCoy

[2:13] And I pull out my cat-o'-nine-tails and I say, string him up against the main mast.

[2:18] Oh, wow.

[2:19] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[2:19] I'm in Los Angeles, so I'm not witness to any of this, so I'm just going to take it at

[2:24] your guys' word that this is what happens now that I'm not around there anymore.

Stuart Wellington

[2:27] Can the sailors who whip me be skeletons or ghost sailors?

Dan McCoy

[2:32] And I say, only half skeletons.

Elliott Kalan

[2:35] Oh, wow.

[2:35] Wait, so like skeletons from the waist down?

[2:37] What does that mean?

[2:38] Oh, man, the ultimate fantasy.

Dan McCoy

[2:40] Either that or half of them are humans and half of them are skeletons.

[2:44] You can choose whichever you prefer.

[2:46] So like, half split down the middle?

Stuart Wellington

[2:49] Yeah.

[2:50] No, you want, I think that's the thing is I've been reading a lot of, you know, romantic

[2:57] advice columns and magazines, and I've come to determine that the perfect man is a skeleton

[3:03] on the upper half and the bottom half is all fleshy with a fleshy wiener and stuff.

Dan McCoy

[3:08] A skeleton in the streets, a wiener in the sheets.

Stuart Wellington

[3:12] So why a skeleton on the top?

[3:16] I don't know that much.

[3:17] I just know that, like, I only know the results.

[3:19] I don't know what led us to that point.

Elliott Kalan

[3:21] Yeah, well, what is the, I'm confused about the results.

Stuart Wellington

[3:24] I'm guessing it has something to do with hair?

[3:31] I don't know.

[3:31] We'll get to it.

[3:32] Okay.

[3:32] The musical?

[3:34] Dan, stop bringing up the fact that you were in a college production of hair.

[3:37] We know.

[3:37] You brought it up many times.

Dan McCoy

[3:38] I lit up the stage.

[3:41] Okay.

[3:41] So this can all go in the garbage.

[3:43] With fire.

Stuart Wellington

[3:44] So, okay.

[3:45] It was a firebug.

Elliott Kalan

[3:46] So on this podcast, we watch a bad movie, then we talk about it.

[3:49] Dan's right.

[3:50] Or maybe Stuart's right.

[3:52] In the olden days, it feels like he used to watch more horror movies.

[3:54] Back when we deselected our movie, The Day Of, at Dan's apartment, based on the running

[3:59] time.

[4:00] Because we'd start watching around 8 and start recording the show around 1030.

Stuart Wellington

[4:05] And we would often decide if we were going to even do the podcast, basically the day of

[4:10] or day before.

Elliott Kalan

[4:11] Yeah.

[4:11] It was a number of years before we started scheduling ahead.

Dan McCoy

[4:15] You know, back in the olden days of podcasting, that kind of erratic nonsense was much more

[4:22] tolerated.

[4:22] You know, like the early days of Saturday Night Live, when people were running through the

[4:25] halls doing cocaine or whatever.

Stuart Wellington

[4:27] Unlike the current era, where all the sketches are bad, and nobody, well, everybody, I guess

[4:33] everybody pays attention to it now.

[4:35] I don't fucking know.

[4:37] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[4:38] Wow.

[4:38] Okay.

[4:38] Hot take on Saturday Night Live.

[4:40] Anyway, but so Shocktober, this is when we watch horror movies, right, Dan?

[4:44] Now, Dan, how would you define a horror movie?

[4:46] And then Stuart, I want to know, how would you define a horror movie?

Dan McCoy

[4:49] Oh, okay.

[4:49] I'd say a horror movie is one that is meant to elicit, in the simplest terms, horror in

[4:56] the viewer.

[4:57] Whether that be sort of a jump scare type horror, like a startlement, or sort of an existential

[5:07] dread.

Stuart Wellington

[5:09] Wow.

[5:10] What would you say, Stu?

[5:11] I would say it has to have one or more killings.

[5:17] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[5:20] So.

[5:21] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[5:23] One plus killings.

[5:29] Right.

[5:29] So, yeah.

[5:31] So, I think we have it hammered out.

[5:32] Elliot, does this match up with your notes?

Elliott Kalan

[5:35] Does that mean, so would that, so Clue would technically be a horror movie?

Stuart Wellington

[5:39] Elliot, I didn't agree to more than one question.

Elliott Kalan

[5:43] Sorry.

[5:44] Yeah, that's right.

[5:44] I forgot you said no follow-ups.

[5:45] When we started this press conference.

Dan McCoy

[5:47] I'm currently standing in front of the loud turbines of Air Force One.

[5:52] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[5:53] Only one, and I answered it accurately.

[5:56] So, let's move on.

[5:58] So, yeah.

[5:59] So, we watched a movie.

[6:00] Now, normally on this show, we watch a bad movie, a movie that either was a critical flop

[6:04] or a financial flop.

[6:06] And this, I guess, qualifies as a critical flop because it was not a financial flop.

[6:10] No.

[6:10] It was hugely.

[6:11] It made a shitload of money.

[6:12] This is like the highest grossing movie of the Conjuring franchise.

[6:15] A juggernaut of okay horror movies.

Elliott Kalan

[6:19] Now, I'm super unfamiliar with the Conjuring franchise.

[6:23] So, you guys are going to have to help me with what little Easter eggs are in there for the dedicated viewer.

Dan McCoy

[6:29] I mean, can I quickly outline the...

[6:32] Have you seen them all?

Elliott Kalan

[6:33] Take us through the Conjuring.

[6:34] So, somebody conjures something.

[6:37] No.

Dan McCoy

[6:38] I know that much.

[6:39] Not really.

[6:40] So, the Conjuring...

[6:42] I don't remember...

[6:43] Look.

[6:44] See, I saw The Conjuring.

[6:45] Uh-huh.

[6:46] Yep.

[6:46] It was...

Elliott Kalan

[6:46] Okay.

[6:47] Let's start at First Principles.

[6:48] First Principles.

[6:49] You saw The Conjuring.

[6:49] I saw it.

Dan McCoy

[6:50] It had been getting very good reviews as kind of a return to a classic haunted house movie

[6:57] with sort of a few slow burn scares.

[7:02] And you love any kind of burn.

Elliott Kalan

[7:03] Slow burn.

[7:03] David burn.

[7:04] You went to see David Byrne's show.

Dan McCoy

[7:05] I did see it.

[7:06] It was excellent.

[7:07] We should probably talk about that off air, but...

Stuart Wellington

[7:09] Okay.

[7:10] Oh, wow.

[7:10] He doesn't want his opinions to get out.

Dan McCoy

[7:12] No.

[7:12] Well, everyone knows I love David Byrne, but I'm just trying to keep this train rolling.

[7:18] No, but like I saw it in the worst way to see a horror movie, which is a drive-in theater.

[7:23] Now, you might think, oh, that's the best way because it's such a creepy atmosphere.

[7:27] But so many horror movies are shot.

[7:29] So darkly.

[7:30] And at a drive-in, you've got a lot of, you know, ambient light that's going on the screen.

[7:36] And the projectionist usually does not pump up the light bulb in the projector to compensate.

[7:43] So I was seeing a whole bunch of mud on screen, basically, when I was watching The Conjuring.

Elliott Kalan

[7:47] Plus, you had to deal with the worst part of that, being with some babe who wanted to do it with you.

[7:51] When you're just trying to watch this movie, you know?

[7:54] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[7:54] Yeah.

[7:55] But it's...

[7:55] It's really like sitting on a roof, sucking on a chili dog.

[7:59] Roof of a car, not roof of a house.

[8:01] That would be Monster Squad.

Dan McCoy

[8:02] Yeah.

[8:03] No, I...

[8:05] So all I know is...

[8:07] So what do you know about The Conjuring?

Elliott Kalan

[8:08] The Conjuring is about paranormal investigators.

[8:11] We heard your story.

[8:11] You heard your screed against drive-in theaters.

[8:14] You didn't really tell us much about The Conjuring.

Dan McCoy

[8:17] So it's about paranormal investigators, Ed and Lorraine Warren, who are real people.

[8:24] Yeah, there are a couple of real frauds.

[8:26] Yeah, there are a couple of real frauds.

[8:28] I don't know whether...

[8:29] Is that their actual name, or did it get changed from the movie?

[8:32] That was the only thing I didn't...

Stuart Wellington

[8:33] I think it's real.

[8:34] I mean, weirdly enough, the Twitter account 41Strange, that posts weird photos of stuff,

[8:42] posted a picture of Lorraine Warren holding the original Annabelle doll, which is just a Raggedy Ann doll, yesterday.

[8:48] Oh.

[8:49] So, yeah, I guess this is a plug for my Twitter feed.

Dan McCoy

[8:54] Basically, they're paranormal investigators, and...

Stuart Wellington

[8:58] Like the Ghostbusters.

[8:59] I mean, once again, let's clarify they're frauds.

Dan McCoy

[9:01] Yeah, well, in the world of the movie...

Elliott Kalan

[9:04] Okay.

[9:05] In the world of The Conj...

[9:06] Now, I love this new character of Stuart, fact-checker, where every movie is like,

[9:10] so in Godzilla, King of the Monsters, Stuart's like, let's just be clear, not a real monster, made up.

Stuart Wellington

[9:15] Yeah, but I mean, this is a...

[9:16] I mean, I feel like it's a little different when we're talking about real-life people who,

[9:20] I'm assuming, hurt a lot of people by being frauds.

Elliott Kalan

[9:24] Yeah, well, were they the Amityville horror people?

[9:27] Yes.

[9:27] Or is that something else?

[9:28] They are the...

Dan McCoy

[9:29] And I believe that the Amityville story is retold in The Conjuring 2, is that correct?

Stuart Wellington

[9:34] I think so.

[9:35] Yeah, I've actually only seen the first one, and it's fine.

Elliott Kalan

[9:40] I believe the second one, they're investigating some sort of electric boogaloo.

[9:44] Oh, okay.

[9:45] Or a secret of the ooze, right?

Stuart Wellington

[9:47] Those are the two options.

[9:48] Yeah, yeah.

[9:49] The whole point, though...

Elliott Kalan

[9:50] It might have been a new batch.

[9:52] Oh, wow, we'll have to find out.

Dan McCoy

[9:54] The point of all this is to say, though...

[9:56] But we also know, wait down, that they were on the move.

[9:59] Yeah.

[9:59] But this is all to say that...

[10:01] Are they back in the habit?

Elliott Kalan

[10:01] I mean, in a way, they kind of are, right?

[10:04] That's good for the nun.

[10:05] That's perfect.

Dan McCoy

[10:06] No, but the point of all this is, you don't actually need to know

[10:09] any of it, because this movie only ties in to those characters

[10:14] at the very end, spoiler alert, and you don't need any foreknowledge

[10:19] to know the nun.

[10:19] The nun is a character that showed up in one of the other Conjuring movies.

[10:22] Part 2, I think.

[10:23] Yeah, and this is the origin story for that villain.

Elliott Kalan

[10:27] It's weird, it's kind of the origin story, but it's also kind of not

[10:30] the origin story.

[10:31] So why don't we dive into the nun?

[10:33] And before anyone...

[10:34] Remember, this is the one from the Conjuring series.

[10:36] It's not one of the many other horror movies called The Nun.

[10:39] It's not The Nun's story, the movie from the 1960s, 50s?

[10:44] Thanks for asking.

Stuart Wellington

[10:45] I don't know, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[10:47] So the movie starts...

[10:49] Well, it starts with a bunch of scenes from one of the other Conjuring movies.

[10:53] They're just kind of thrown on screen real fast in a montage.

[10:56] But for the most part, we're in...

[10:57] It's 1952.

[10:59] That's right, everybody.

[11:01] 1952.

[11:02] Eisenhower's about to be elected president.

[11:04] Everybody is doing the Lindy Hop, and people can't get enough of chili fries.

Stuart Wellington

[11:09] Is that...

[11:10] That's all facts based on Romania in 1952.

[11:14] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[11:14] Oh, that's right.

[11:15] We're in Romania.

[11:17] And I have to say that because I did not know anything about The Nun walking into it,

[11:22] I assumed that like the rest of the Conjuring universe, it would be taking place in the 70s.

[11:27] So for a long time...

Stuart Wellington

[11:29] You made a big spread of food from the 70s.

[11:32] Yeah.

[11:33] It was all deviled eggs.

[11:34] Yeah, sure.

Dan McCoy

[11:35] Some polyester bell-bottoms and...

[11:37] No, I...

[11:38] Fondue.

[11:39] Yeah.

[11:39] No, the whole point...

[11:40] What I'm saying is, for the longest time, I thought we were in a flashback.

[11:43] I thought that we were going to flash forward.

Elliott Kalan

[11:45] I mean, technically, we are in a flashback, Dan, since the movie opens with the legend on

[11:50] the screen in 1952, and that's not this year.

[11:53] No, I...

[11:53] So it is kind of a flashback.

[11:54] I get it.

[11:55] But I understand how you missed that moment where they identified the year the movie was

[11:59] taking place.

[11:59] Oh, God.

[11:59] Okay.

[12:01] There's this abbey in Romania.

[12:03] It's haunted by an evil spirit that needs a human host, and it gets loose, and a nun kills

[12:09] herself rather than host it.

[12:10] And I think that's just being a bad hostess.

[12:13] Have you ever had people coming to your house, and you kill yourself rather than show them

[12:17] a good time?

[12:18] I would say that's a party foul.

[12:21] What do you guys think?

[12:22] Well, I mean, I'm very...

[12:23] Is foul a pun?

Dan McCoy

[12:25] I'm very...

[12:26] I'm very conflict-averse, so I can see that being, like, a possible option for me rather

[12:31] than causing a fuss than just being like, I'm gonna opt out of this situation.

[12:36] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[12:37] Now, of course, I in no way want to make fun of suicide, but it's...

[12:40] The movie happens...

[12:41] It's like the movie...

[12:42] It's like the movie was like, here's the star of your movie.

[12:45] Psyche!

[12:45] This character's not important anymore.

[12:47] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[12:47] Yeah.

[12:48] And, I mean, I guess they're trying to point out that, like, the evil of the nun is so

[12:52] terrifying that a nun would commit a mortal sin by taking her own life, right?

Elliott Kalan

[12:59] She would rather go to hell for ending her life than be the hostess for this thing.

[13:05] Again, as God says in the Bible, the ultimate party foul.

[13:08] We go to Vatican City, where Father Burke we meet.

[13:11] He's a priest-detective who investigates miracles and exorcism and things like that.

[13:16] Yeah, yeah.

[13:16] Played by Damien Bashir.

[13:17] Yeah, he's a real hunk.

[13:20] He's not even...

[13:20] And then there's a double hunk in this movie, because there's another Hansel guy who shows

[13:23] up.

[13:23] And we also...

Stuart Wellington

[13:24] Are you talking about Michael Smiley playing a evil, like, Catholic priest guy?

[13:29] Oh, no.

[13:30] That's not who I was talking about.

[13:32] I was going to say, because, I mean, Michael Smiley's a lot of things, but I don't know

[13:35] if I would definitely call him a hunk.

[13:36] Well, maybe technically.

Elliott Kalan

[13:38] You know what?

[13:38] I think it falls under the technical definition of at least one ab.

[13:43] So, Father Burke, he's going to be...

[13:45] He's got to investigate this surprising incident at the abbey.

[13:49] And he's going to be teamed up with Sister Irene, a young novitiate.

[13:53] She hasn't yet taken her vows as a nun yet.

[13:56] But we meet her.

[13:57] She's the kind of young nun who questions things.

[13:59] She doesn't just take the immediate orthodoxy.

[14:02] She even tells one of her orphans, students, I'm not sure, that some things in the Bible

[14:09] aren't literally true.

[14:10] Now, Dan, I know you're kind of an evangelical.

[14:12] How did you feel about that?

Dan McCoy

[14:14] I am not.

[14:15] Although I grew up Christian, it was a very sort of liberal sect.

[14:22] It's not just sect.

[14:23] I don't...

Elliott Kalan

[14:24] So, Dan, so I know you grew up, you went to Catholic school, right?

[14:27] When you were at Father O'Malley's school, were the nuns as mean, as people say?

Dan McCoy

[14:31] Protestant, never had any direct contact with nuns.

[14:35] They've always seemed nice from a distance when I see them around New York from time to time.

[14:40] But that's about all I know.

Stuart Wellington

[14:41] Or where you see them, like, flying around, right?

[14:44] Yeah.

[14:44] Isn't there a flying nun?

Dan McCoy

[14:45] Or, you know, the nonsense they get into is such crazy nonsense.

[14:48] But I also want to say, I don't think you said that the novitiate?

[14:54] Is that how you said it?

[14:56] Yeah.

[14:57] Sister Irene.

[14:58] Just call her Sister Irene.

[14:59] Played by Tessa Farmiga, who's the sister to Vera Farmiga, who is one of the stars of the Conjuring series.

Elliott Kalan

[15:07] They're keeping it in the family.

[15:08] Yeah.

[15:09] It's a real family affair.

[15:11] Uh-huh.

[15:12] Do you have more?

[15:15] All in the family.

[15:16] Yeah.

[15:18] I get it.

[15:18] We're seeing their family ties.

[15:20] Uh-huh.

Dan McCoy

[15:21] And their family matters.

[15:23] Now, can we...

[15:24] Well, all families are made of matter, Dan.

[15:26] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[15:27] Are you positing some sort of anti-matter family?

[15:30] That would be where Stefan or Kel is the neighbor.

[15:33] That's the...

[15:34] That's family anti-matters.

[15:36] Dan, what would...

[15:37] If the family from family matters and the family from family anti-matters met, would they

[15:41] explode and destroy each other?

Dan McCoy

[15:43] Yes.

[15:43] That's...

[15:44] Yeah.

[15:44] That's what movie physics have told me, at least.

[15:47] Like in Time Cop.

Elliott Kalan

[15:49] Yeah.

[15:49] We have...

[15:50] So, it's a real Time Cop type scenario.

[15:51] So, anyway, Time Cop is going to investigate this mystery.

[15:54] Just kidding.

[15:55] It's Father Burke and Sister Irene.

[15:56] So, they go to Romania.

[15:57] It's this backwards local village.

[15:59] The locals, they never speak of the Abbey.

[16:01] It is classic movie spooky stuff.

[16:04] Yeah.

[16:05] Nobody even sees the nuns.

[16:06] Their supplies are delivered by one man, a French-Canadian that they call Frenchie.

[16:10] I don't remember what his character name was or the actor.

[16:13] And he's never even seen the nuns.

[16:14] He just leaves their goods by the back door.

[16:16] But he's the one who found this nun's body and buried it.

[16:20] He explains that the Abbey was hit by a bomb during a bombing raid in World War II, which ended seven years previously.

[16:26] But nobody's talked to any of the nuns in years.

[16:29] And when they go there, he shows them that on the body, there was a weird key of some kind.

[16:35] Ooh.

[16:36] Because it can't spell spooky without key.

Stuart Wellington

[16:39] That's right.

[16:40] Or spook.

[16:41] I mean, we'll get to...

[16:42] Okay, good point.

Elliott Kalan

[16:43] Or spook.

Stuart Wellington

[16:45] Well, I mean, we'll probably really dig into this character, Frenchie, later.

[16:49] But I think it speaks to kind of his values that he didn't just steal that key.

[16:54] You know, he left it with the body.

Elliott Kalan

[16:56] Yeah, yeah.

[16:57] And he...

[16:58] But then, did they bury the body together?

[17:00] He already buried it.

Stuart Wellington

[17:01] He did not bury it.

[17:03] He stuffed it in the, like, ice house.

[17:05] He put it in the freezer.

[17:06] Oh, that's right.

[17:06] To preserve it.

Elliott Kalan

[17:08] To keep it for later in case he has to eat it, I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[17:11] He saw the body lying there on the steps and blood everywhere.

[17:14] And then he's like, we got to put this on ice.

[17:17] And then he put sunglasses on, and then the guitar started playing.

Elliott Kalan

[17:21] Yeah.

[17:23] It was some kind of knockoff Who song.

[17:24] It was called Who Is You.

[17:26] Yep.

[17:28] Who goes there.

[17:29] Actually, it would be pretty funny if he put on his sunglasses, then, who can it be now?

[17:35] It started playing.

[17:37] And they're like, this is what we could afford.

[17:38] I'm sorry, it's the nun.

[17:40] Then we enter what is the theme of the movie, which is wandering around spooky hallways, quietly,

[17:46] waiting for things to happen.

[17:47] Because they go into the spooky abbey, and they find the crypt, and there's a shrouded abbess there.

[17:52] You don't see her face.

[17:53] She's pretty spooky creepy.

[17:55] And she's got a creepy, high-pitched, you know, old lady voice.

[17:57] And she tells them to come back in the morning after they take their nightly vow of silence.

[18:02] But Burke and Irene are like, yeah, but I guess we're just going to stay here for the night.

Stuart Wellington

[18:06] Yeah, it's a pretty interesting move where it's like, we'll answer your questions in the morning if you stay the night here.

[18:15] And they're like, wow, I didn't realize I was hazing for a fraternity.

[18:18] Maybe they just thought that.

[18:19] You'll also inherit your uncle's $10 million.

[18:23] And, like, I can't remember if the abbess is doing this, but I feel like there's a lot of, like, the abbess has, like, a shroud over her face.

[18:32] And she'll, like, turn her head fast.

[18:34] And we'll hear, like, a crazy cracking sound.

[18:36] And you're like, uh, are you okay?

Elliott Kalan

[18:39] Is she getting ready to fight Jean-Claude Van Damme?

[18:42] Like, what's all the neck cracking?

[18:44] So here's the thing, Stuart, and maybe you can shed some light on this.

[18:47] This is when I started wondering, was this movie written by some people playing a role-playing game?

[18:52] Because it's like, you meet the spooky abbess.

[18:54] She tells you to come back in the morning.

[18:56] So are you guys going to go back to the village?

[18:58] Or do you want to spend the night at the spooky abbey?

[19:00] Like, that's what it feels like to me.

Stuart Wellington

[19:01] I feel like, based on my experiences running role-playing games, that scene would have gone like this.

[19:06] You meet a spooky abbess.

[19:07] She tells you that.

[19:08] The players are like, okay, well, I try and pull the veil off.

[19:12] And I'm like, no, you can't.

[19:14] Like, no, I'm going to roll to do it.

[19:15] I'm like, no, stop.

[19:16] The abbess slaps your hand away.

[19:19] Just do what she wants.

Elliott Kalan

[19:22] So they're acting the way you wish that the player's in your role-playing games, right?

Stuart Wellington

[19:25] Yeah, yeah, where they're like, oh, duh, okay.

[19:29] And then Frenchie.

[19:30] That's the way I play role-playing games, right?

[19:31] And then Frenchie's like, I guess I'm just going to go home.

[19:35] Let me follow this detour into the fog machine-filled cemetery.

[19:40] All this abbey road.

[19:42] Yeah.

[19:43] Oh, how long are you saving that?

[19:44] Oh, Dan.

[19:45] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[19:45] I have been working on a Dear Abbey thing for a while that I just haven't been able to crack.

[19:49] Oh, yeah.

[19:50] So if you guys have any help, you know, or listeners, write in.

[19:53] Listeners.

[19:54] What's the Dear Abbey joke I should have made in the first half of this program?

Stuart Wellington

[19:57] I mean, it would have been weird because it's a human abbey.

[20:00] Deer are animals that don't have religion.

[20:03] Okay.

[20:04] I mean, technically the abbey is not human.

Elliott Kalan

[20:06] The abbey is a building which is housing these people.

[20:10] I miss my...

[20:10] I mean, as you call it the organization, the abbess runs the abbey.

[20:13] And the abbess is Lou Costello's partner in a number of tomfoolery-filled movies.

[20:22] Capers, some of them.

[20:23] Some of them are them just kind of like getting into trouble.

[20:26] Some of them have monsters.

[20:27] But you might say, hey, abbess, to find out some answers if you want to find where the abbess is.

[20:33] But again, there's no abbess in this movie.

[20:35] It's just an abbess.

Stuart Wellington

[20:36] Yeah, so speaking of monsters, there's this great bit where Frenchy's walking around the cemetery.

[20:41] And then there's this spooky nun walking around that looks exactly like the nun who he found hanging.

[20:49] She's walking around with a noose.

[20:51] And then this happens a lot in the movie where the character will walk around.

[20:57] Maybe he'll see something spooky.

[20:58] And then we'll see it from his perspective.

[21:00] And then the camera will turn to the left and then turn to the right.

[21:04] And then back to where the monster was before.

[21:06] And then it's gone.

Elliott Kalan

[21:08] There's this zombie nun corpse.

[21:10] And it seems like the demon's big plan is always to attack them and then stop right before it kills them.

[21:15] Yeah.

[21:18] It's monster movie logic where it's like, the monster's scary.

[21:22] And time.

[21:24] Back to your corners, everybody.

[21:25] We can't kill him yet because the movie has to keep going.

[21:28] But good work, monster.

[21:29] Good work.

[21:29] Take some orange slices.

[21:30] Take a lap.

[21:31] Then let's come back and you'll attack again in like 15 minutes.

Dan McCoy

[21:34] Literally, the only credit I gave this movie while watching it was about the first jump scare.

Elliott Kalan

[21:40] Was it based on the Conjuring series?

Dan McCoy

[21:43] What?

[21:43] Yes.

[21:44] That was the credit?

[21:44] No.

[21:45] That you gave to it?

[21:46] No.

[21:46] Like, was that the fact that the first like real jump scare in the meat of the movie is like legs coming down from the top of the screen?

[21:55] Oh, yeah.

[21:56] And I'm like, oh, well, you know what?

[21:57] I mean, usually in these things, at least the thing jumps from the side of the screen.

[22:01] So I was slightly surprised.

Elliott Kalan

[22:04] It is more likely that he's not going to notice it early if it's coming down from above.

[22:08] Yeah.

[22:09] Since a lot of times with jump scares, it relies on people having the same type of visual field as cameras, which means no peripheral vision whatsoever.

Stuart Wellington

[22:17] Now, this scene is not particularly scary.

[22:21] And it doesn't really have stakes because, as we said before, the monster doesn't really make that much effort to kill anybody.

[22:29] It just is trying to scare him.

[22:30] But the reason why this scene is important in the movie is because after the zombie nun disappears and Frenchie's like, oh, man, I guess it was all just in my head.

[22:40] He rips a giant cross grave marker out of the ground and he's like, just going to take this with me.

[22:49] And he just carries it around with him for a while.

[22:51] Yeah, it's pretty great.

[22:52] I was like, oh, I hope he's going to stab something with it.

[22:54] But he doesn't.

[22:55] Don't worry about it.

Elliott Kalan

[22:55] He does not.

[22:56] No.

[22:57] It's not Chekhov's torn out of the ground grave marker.

[23:00] Yeah.

[23:00] Which would have been used to stab somebody or at least mark another grave.

[23:03] So Irene tells Burke that night that she became a nun because she used to see visions of the Virgin Mary.

[23:09] And Mary would tell her that Mary would point the way.

[23:11] And Burke is like, oh, that's interesting.

[23:13] Well, anyway, I once performed an exorcism on a boy and he died.

[23:16] So that's our traumas.

[23:18] Glad we had this trauma sharing moment.

Stuart Wellington

[23:20] And they get a pretty good radio signal on their little radio in their little side room, right?

Elliott Kalan

[23:27] Yeah.

[23:28] Well, the radio wakes up Burke in the middle of the night because it's playing spooky jazz music.

[23:33] Yeah.

[23:33] Or like big band music.

[23:35] And I love there's a, he like points his flashlight at it and it stops immediately.

[23:38] And it's like a cartoon Looney Tunes radio that's like, oh, sorry.

[23:43] Like I wanted them to do more that where he would move the flashlight away and the radio would start.

[23:48] And then he'd put the flashlight on and the radio would stop again.

[23:50] Like a Michigan J. Frog type scenario.

[23:52] Yeah.

[23:52] But they don't go that far with it.

Dan McCoy

[23:53] Just to jump back a second.

[23:54] I would love it if...

Elliott Kalan

[23:56] Jump back and kiss yourself?

Dan McCoy

[23:57] No.

Elliott Kalan

[23:58] Because you deserve it, Dan.

[23:59] Dan, you should love yourself.

[24:01] Because you're very lovable.

[24:02] That's fine.

[24:02] And if no one's...

[24:03] If you don't love yourself, no one else is going to love you either.

Dan McCoy

[24:05] I can love myself without wanting to literally kiss myself.

Elliott Kalan

[24:09] Okay, Dan, that's what I want to talk about too.

[24:10] You've been loving yourself, if you know what I mean, a little too much lately.

[24:14] There's no...

[24:14] No such thing as too much, Elliot.

[24:17] The neighbors have been complaining that you're getting a little loud with it.

Dan McCoy

[24:20] Yeah, all right.

[24:21] Well, thank you for the notes.

[24:22] But what I wanted to say was...

Elliott Kalan

[24:24] This has been Elliot Kalin, Masturbation Coach.

Dan McCoy

[24:27] Earlier, you're talking about them trading their traumas.

[24:30] And I think it would be really funny if after him talking about failing to properly exorcise that boy

[24:37] or having a bad experience with it, for the nun to be like,

[24:44] Can't we not talk about work after work?

[24:49] It's like, not on the clock.

[24:52] It's really funny.

Elliott Kalan

[24:54] Here's the thing about exorcism, guys.

[24:56] I've never been in one, obviously.

[24:57] Right.

[24:58] Because I'm not Catholic and also they're not real because demons are not real.

[25:02] Yeah.

[25:02] But here's the thing.

[25:04] It seems like the job of an exorcist is mainly just to yell Jesus' name at a kid

[25:09] until the kid behaves.

Dan McCoy

[25:11] So you're saying that you should be able to DIY this?

[25:15] Kind of, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[25:16] Because it's always like, and then the demon gets really mad and starts blowing wind all over the place.

[25:21] And it's like basketball.

[25:23] He's just doing things to try to distract the priest.

[25:25] But he never seems to really hurt them.

[25:27] So it's like, to exorcise someone, you just kind of have to stand there and just keep your ground and keep yelling,

[25:32] I indomini patros and things like that.

[25:34] So it seems like you could just print out the prayers off of the internet and exorcise someone yourself.

[25:40] Now, Dan, again, we mentioned you grew up in this world of exorcisms and demonology.

Dan McCoy

[25:44] I mean, Catholics and Protestants are very different, actually.

[25:48] There's some information about Martin Luther and some theses that I could forward to you.

[25:53] Wait.

Elliott Kalan

[25:54] Some theses.

[25:57] But, Stuart, do you think you'd be ready to handle an exorcism?

Stuart Wellington

[26:01] I mean, yeah.

[26:02] You've seen enough movies, right?

[26:04] Yeah, I mean, why not?

[26:06] I mean.

[26:08] Stuart's monitoring it as if it's a job offer.

[26:10] Yeah, I mean.

[26:11] What are you going to pay?

[26:12] How many, like, are we talking one demon, two?

[26:16] I'll have to charge more if it's like Legion, right?

[26:20] That's the thing.

Elliott Kalan

[26:21] I started vomiting up flies just the other day.

[26:25] Well, you guys stop eating so many flies.

[26:26] That's the first thing.

[26:27] I mean, no, that's what I first thought.

[26:29] I was like, I'm eating too many flies.

[26:31] But the flies were still alive.

[26:33] And then, like, bees started coming out.

Stuart Wellington

[26:34] And I haven't been eating bees.

[26:35] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[26:36] You would have remembered if you ordered those at Sweet Greens or whatever.

Elliott Kalan

[26:41] Instead of getting usually just my Sweet Greens fly kale Caesar salad.

[26:45] And so that started happening.

[26:47] And then I started hearing these voices telling me to do unpardonable, unforgivable things.

[26:52] And they said that they were Legion.

[26:53] And so, like, how much would you charge to get that out of my body?

[26:56] Because so far it hasn't been dangerous, but it's been annoying.

Stuart Wellington

[26:59] So, wait.

[27:00] You're saying you're being annoying?

[27:03] Wait.

[27:03] Say this again.

[27:05] Give me your symptoms.

Elliott Kalan

[27:05] Demons say I'm being too annoying and they want you to get them out of my body so that I don't irritate them anymore.

Stuart Wellington

[27:10] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[27:11] That makes sense.

[27:12] Because the demons were like, we are Legion.

[27:15] We control you now.

[27:16] And I was like, uh-oh.

[27:18] Looks like Legion is here.

[27:20] Uh-oh.

[27:21] Everybody better stay clear because it's Legion.

[27:23] And they started just rolling their thousand dyes.

[27:26] Yeah.

[27:26] And I was like, what am I bothering you guys?

[27:29] And they're like, no, it's fine.

[27:30] It's fine.

[27:30] Whatever.

[27:31] Let's just keep going.

[27:32] But, yeah, they want to get out.

[27:33] So they were saying they'd pay you well.

[27:35] Oh, wow.

[27:36] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[27:36] I mean, I guess the price has to at least double, right?

Elliott Kalan

[27:41] What a-

[27:41] I mean, it really feels like you should be negotiating with them, not with me.

Stuart Wellington

[27:44] I mean, I guess they'll have to set it up through my TaskRabbit app.

[27:49] And-

[27:49] Okay.

[27:51] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[27:52] I wonder if there are people on TaskRabbit who will do exorcisms.

Stuart Wellington

[27:55] Yeah, they'll move some furniture for you or do an exorcism.

[27:59] Or, I guess, go to 7-

[28:00] Is 7-Eleven a thing?

[28:01] Can you go to 7-Eleven on a TaskRabbit?

[28:04] I think that's probably a thing.

[28:06] Dan, is 7-Eleven a thing?

Dan McCoy

[28:07] Are you texting somebody about that?

[28:09] Sorry.

[28:10] I was-

[28:11] No, my girlfriend had trouble doing something, and so I was texting her.

[28:16] Sorry, my ghoul friend.

[28:18] Oh, thank you.

[28:19] Oh, good.

Elliott Kalan

[28:19] Thanks for making it relevant to our discussion, Dan.

[28:21] Sorry, I apologize.

Dan McCoy

[28:22] Uh-huh.

Elliott Kalan

[28:23] No, I'm glad that's going on right now.

[28:25] And it turns out what she's having trouble with is getting a mummy to go back to the afterlife,

[28:30] so it really would fit into what we're doing.

[28:32] But, okay, so, meanwhile, so, Burke, he's like, I gotta follow this radio signal.

[28:37] And it leads him to, uh-oh, the dead boy that he exorcised years ago.

[28:41] That dead boy jumps out, a big snake comes out of his mouth, and Burke is like, whoa, whoa, whoa,

[28:45] and falls backwards into a coffin, and suddenly he's buried alive.

Stuart Wellington

[28:48] Now, Dan, uh, this, this, this boy, this apparition of a boy that he, uh, failed to exercise a demon from,

[28:56] the boy's name is Daniel.

[28:57] So when the priest kept saying Daniel over and over, were you, like, extra scared, or were you just looking around?

Elliott Kalan

[29:03] Did you think they had personalized the movie for you, like those books you get for kids,

[29:06] and everyone who watched it, their name was said?

Dan McCoy

[29:09] Well, no, it was kind of like, you know, if a cat hears his or her name,

[29:13] like, I just kind of cocked my head every time it happened, because I was like, what, does someone need me?

[29:18] You know, am I needed for something?

[29:19] But, like, I didn't take me, he didn't take me out of the movie, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[29:22] Okay, so you weren't, you weren't, like, screaming at the screen, I'm right here, tell me what you need!

Stuart Wellington

[29:28] Yeah, I know, that's, you know.

[29:30] So, yeah, he's, he's down in the hole, uh, he's the man in the box.

Elliott Kalan

[29:34] Just like in the Wire theme song, he's down in the hole.

[29:37] Mm-hmm.

[29:38] Oh, wait, so he's, he's Eric, he's, he's, uh, Rob Bryden's man in a box?

Stuart Wellington

[29:42] Uh, I mean, I was, once again, uh, those were both references to Alice in Chains' song, so I don't,

[29:46] Oh, I see, I see.

[29:47] I wasn't doing some, like, nerdy comedy bullshit, I was doing, like, cool guy rock and roll shit.

[29:51] You're right.

[29:53] So, yeah, he's down in that box, and then, uh, at this point, uh, Sister Irene has, like, a spooky dream

[30:00] with a bunch of nuns and an evil nun.

[30:02] Mm-hmm.

[30:02] That sounds like this movie, right?

[30:04] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[30:06] It's, the movie is kind of like, when in doubt, throw a bunch of nuns on the screen,

[30:09] and one of them's probably gonna be evil.

[30:11] The movie's like, look, one in every 12 nuns is probably evil.

[30:14] Mm-hmm.

[30:15] So if we get a ton of nuns on the screen, and that should be a movie right there, tons of

[30:18] nuns.

[30:19] But, yeah, she has this bad dream, she wakes up and sees a ghost nun, a mirror explodes

[30:23] out at her.

[30:24] Uh-huh.

[30:24] The mirror budget for this abbey must be crazy.

[30:26] Yeah.

[30:27] And meanwhile, Father Burke, he happens, luckily, to be in one, in one of those coffins that's

[30:30] rigged up with a bell in case you get buried alive.

[30:33] So he's ringing that bell.

[30:34] Mm-hmm.

[30:35] He has, look, if that coffin said, you can ring my bell.

[30:38] Nope.

[30:39] Ring my bell.

[30:40] Nope.

[30:40] He would say, yes, please, because I'm buried alive.

[30:42] Is that song about being buried alive, Dan?

[30:44] You're the pop music fan.

Dan McCoy

[30:45] I have a counter question for you, Elliot.

[30:47] So do you think...

Elliott Kalan

[30:48] A question about my counters?

[30:49] They're kind of like a formica quartz, I guess.

Dan McCoy

[30:52] Do you think that an abbey of the time would have a bunch of mirrors, or do you think that

[30:59] would encourage the scent of vanity?

[31:02] Good question.

Elliott Kalan

[31:03] It's a good question, because what do you need that mirror for?

[31:06] You're not fixing your hair, because it's covered with a wimple.

[31:09] Mm-hmm.

[31:10] And as we all know, that's the way the world ends, with a wimple.

[31:16] And you're not putting on makeup, unless it's that one scene in Black Narcissus, which

[31:21] is chilling.

[31:22] Oh, what a good movie.

[31:23] Maybe I'll recommend that later.

[31:24] And yeah, I don't know if you'd need that mirror, but maybe you need the mirror to make

[31:28] sure there's not any food on your face or something, because that'd be pretty disrespectful

[31:31] to God if you're doing Vespers or something, and you've got food all over your face.

[31:35] So I'd say they would have one regulation-sized mirror, and they would only use it after meals.

Stuart Wellington

[31:41] Yeah.

[31:41] It would also be...

[31:42] I feel like it would also be good for Dracula avoidance, right?

Elliott Kalan

[31:46] Oh, quite the opposite.

[31:47] He's not going to show up in it.

Stuart Wellington

[31:48] No, but I mean, that's how you would figure it out, right?

[31:50] Is he like...

[31:51] Oh, yeah, maybe.

Elliott Kalan

[31:53] Oh, and also, like, if someone dies and you're not sure if they're dead or not, you can put

[31:55] that mirror under their nose to catch their breath.

[31:57] Oh, right.

[31:57] But that's a huge mirror.

[31:58] That's a huge mirror.

Stuart Wellington

[31:59] You'd need, like, six people to carry it around, at least.

Elliott Kalan

[32:02] But if, like, the BFG died and you weren't sure, that's the kind of mirror you would use.

[32:06] Sure.

[32:06] The big, friendly giant from the movie.

[32:07] I mean, you're not going to...

Dan McCoy

[32:08] I mean, you're also not going to have one of those big ceiling sex mirrors, so that's

[32:12] out, too.

Stuart Wellington

[32:14] Wait.

[32:15] Okay.

[32:15] You sure?

[32:16] So, wait, you're saying you would use this giant mirror for a sex mirror on the ceiling?

Dan McCoy

[32:20] No, I'm just saying that's another type of mirror you wouldn't have around.

[32:23] Yeah, you wouldn't have that in an abbey, right?

[32:24] Right.

[32:25] That's my point.

Elliott Kalan

[32:25] I mean, or even in most homes or most buildings of any kind.

[32:30] So, Dan, how...

[32:33] What is the territory that your sex is taking you on that you need that big a mirror on

[32:36] the ceiling?

Dan McCoy

[32:38] I...

[32:38] Well, I mean, you know, as big as the bed.

[32:40] I'm not saying that the whole room needs to be mirrored up top.

Elliott Kalan

[32:44] Oh, I thought just in case, like, you ended up on the other side of the room somehow.

Dan McCoy

[32:47] Yeah, like a ghost dropped me there or something.

Elliott Kalan

[32:50] Wait, what is going on in your love life, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[32:53] Well, I don't want to talk about it.

Elliott Kalan

[32:55] I guess you did mention that you have a ghoul friend, so maybe ghosts are involved.

[32:59] Okay, so, Burke's ringing that bell, and Father Irene hears him, and she digs him out,

[33:04] and they find that the coffin...

[33:07] And in the coffin, there's, like, a nun that attacks him.

[33:09] In the coffin, they find some spooky old books.

[33:12] And I was like, finally, a movie for me.

[33:15] A movie where the characters are going to go look at books for a while.

Stuart Wellington

[33:18] Yeah, around this point, I'm like, man, whoever's maintaining the grounds here is doing

[33:22] a pretty good job.

[33:23] This lawn is pretty freshly shorn.

[33:27] Trevor's manning that smoke machine makes sure it's constantly pumping out tons of fog.

[33:33] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[33:34] And there's always a shovel nearby when you need it to dig someone out of a coffin.

Stuart Wellington

[33:38] And, like, were they trying to do a bit with, like, the...

[33:43] Like, that there were multiple bells around the cemetery, and she wasn't quite sure which

[33:48] one was going to be the right ringing one?

Elliott Kalan

[33:52] I'm not sure.

[33:53] I think maybe one of the nuns was playing Tubular Bells on the Pure Moods CD.

[33:57] Uh-huh, yeah.

[33:58] And so it's just confused.

[33:59] They said it wrong.

Dan McCoy

[33:59] It's Tubular Bells.

[34:01] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[34:02] I forgot the Ninja Turtles produced that compilation album of atmospheric New Wave tunes featuring,

[34:09] of course, the X-Files theme remix by DJ Dido.

Dan McCoy

[34:12] You don't really hear much about New Wave anymore, is that?

[34:14] Or not New Wave.

[34:15] It's not New Age.

[34:16] New Wave is the post-punk thing.

[34:19] I mean, you don't hear too much about that either, unless you're Dan, and you live in

Elliott Kalan

[34:22] this kind of idealized world of 1980s culture.

Dan McCoy

[34:25] No, New Wave is very influential on current rock music.

Elliott Kalan

[34:29] And New Age is very influential on the presidential run of Marianne Williamson, right?

[34:33] Okay, well, fair enough.

[34:35] Ask and answer, counselor.

[34:36] Move on.

[34:37] I think the irony is that most of the people who were interested in New Age are now of old

[34:41] age.

[34:42] Oh, shit.

[34:44] Oh, man.

[34:46] Oh, man.

Stuart Wellington

[34:46] Somebody get out of Fire Extinguisher.

Elliott Kalan

[34:49] You're going to have to.

[34:51] Because as our French-Canadian friend Frenchie learns, there's a lot of misfortune in the

[34:55] town, and everyone blames the Abbey.

[34:57] It turns out they're probably right.

[34:59] And he thinks our heroes are in danger.

[35:01] The next morning, Sister Irene's talking to this nun.

[35:04] And meanwhile, Burke is doing the smartest thing you can do with old books about demons,

[35:09] reading aloud from them in a crypt.

Stuart Wellington

[35:11] It was really weird for me.

[35:13] Because when this scene opened up, the last we saw of Burke and Sister Irene, they were

[35:20] like, oh, man, maybe there's some information in these books.

[35:23] And then it cuts to Frenchie in a pub in the town, and everybody's sad.

[35:28] And then he sees a shotgun, and he's like, okay, I know what I have to do.

[35:31] And then it cuts to the next morning with them in different outfits.

[35:35] And the lighting's a little different.

[35:37] And for some reason, watching it, I'm like, is this a dream?

[35:41] Are they reading this in the book?

[35:43] Obviously, it isn't.

[35:44] But there was something very strange about it for me.

Elliott Kalan

[35:46] Well, it also, the strange part for me is that, and this happens a lot in movies, is

[35:50] it's like, ooh, something crazy happened to us.

[35:53] Well, time to hit the hay.

[35:55] And then the next day, are they like showering and getting dressed?

[35:57] And they're like, oh, I can't wait to find out about that crazy thing.

[36:00] Well, let's have a breakfast first.

[36:02] I'll have the, ooh, full farmer's breakfast.

[36:05] It should be called a breakfast, by the way, right?

Stuart Wellington

[36:09] You've misspoken, said breakfast.

[36:11] And you know what?

[36:12] I think that makes a lot of sense.

[36:14] It's a better name.

[36:15] It is the first Breck of the day.

Dan McCoy

[36:17] That's the thing.

[36:18] It is not a better name, because there's no such thing as Breck.

[36:22] There is, however, break, the word that it's corrupted from.

[36:26] Breaking once fast.

Elliott Kalan

[36:26] I was referring to the character Breck from Anne Leckie's Ancillary series of novels.

[36:32] But there's also Brecker Morant, which is a great movie.

[36:37] And your friend Breck Mayhem.

[36:39] They're having breakfast, and they're like, do you guys, so that spooky stuff last night,

[36:45] was that real?

[36:45] And Father Breck is like, I thought it was a dream.

[36:48] Did that happen to you?

Dan McCoy

[36:49] Did you say Father Breck?

Elliott Kalan

[36:51] Father Breck, Bertolt Breck.

[36:53] That's what I'm talking about.

[36:53] Oh, wow.

[36:54] So there's a lot of distancing techniques being used here.

[36:59] Yeah.

[36:59] So guys, anyway, they find out.

[37:01] So Father Breck's just reading about Valak, the demon, inventor of the value pack, out loud.

[37:08] And I thought he was going to raise some spirits or something, but that didn't happen.

[37:11] But Sister Irene, she's talking to this other nun, and the other nun's like, oh, yeah, yeah.

[37:17] So anyway, the abbey was built by an evil duke, and he made a gateway for a demon.

[37:22] And the Catholic Church came and sealed it up with the blood of Christ, and then some bombs opened up the gateway.

[37:26] So anyway, that's what's going on.

[37:28] And it's like, wait a minute.

[37:29] Was this, like, was this, one, if she's going to just lay it out that easily, then why didn't they find that out earlier?

[37:34] But also, as a viewer, I was like, I figured that was basically the story, but, like, it feels kind of like the whole experience has been cheapened by them just, it's like, like, not having the chase or the seduction, if you will, in a love affair.

[37:47] It's like, oh, this feels vulgar to me, vulgar and thin.

[37:51] Did you guys feel the same way?

Stuart Wellington

[37:53] What, there's just an info dump explaining all the problems?

Elliott Kalan

[37:57] She's like, anyway, so now that the demon roams the abbey as a nun, so watch out for any weird nuns you might see.

Stuart Wellington

[38:02] Yeah, so if you walk into a room and there's a bunch of bodies that have their heads shrouded, hanging upside down, and their blood is pooling into a gateway, maybe walk out or walk the door.

Dan McCoy

[38:13] If there's a nun, if there's a nun running after you run away, if there's nuns on the run, that's just Eric Idle and Robbie Coltrane, so you don't need to worry about that.

[38:22] And then you're in for some good old-fashioned joke-em-ups.

[38:26] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[38:27] I'm surprised he didn't say fun, but, you know, it would have run.

Elliott Kalan

[38:30] I think that would be stretching the definition of fun, to include nuns on the run in that.

[38:35] Yeah, not very fun.

[38:37] And if you're on a secret World War II mission, it's the nuns of Navarone.

[38:41] Yep.

[38:42] So anyway, guys, it was just surprising.

[38:45] But I think that priest might turn out to be a ghost later on, or what?

[38:48] Is that what happens?

[38:49] I was so unclear about how many nuns were actually in this abbey at any given point.

Stuart Wellington

[38:55] Wait, are you asking if all the nuns that Sister Irene interacts with are ghosts?

[39:00] Are they all ghosts?

[39:00] Yeah, they're all ghosts.

[39:02] She's the only person who interacts with any of them.

[39:04] The other characters only interact with nuns as, like, zombie monsters.

[39:11] No, I did not notice that.

[39:12] Yeah.

[39:13] Sister Irene's the only one who interacts with any of them by, like, talking.

[39:16] Except for the abbess.

[39:18] Who is very clearly some kind of a monster.

Elliott Kalan

[39:21] Yeah, since she's shrouded and making creaking noises with her neck and sits on a throne in a crypt for some reason.

Dan McCoy

[39:28] So she sees dead people is what you're saying.

Stuart Wellington

[39:30] Yeah, I mean, that's just the way that Valak, the evil demon monster, is the snake master, I think he's called.

[39:42] Yeah.

[39:42] That's how he has chosen to bedevil her, I think, is by using nuns as she has not taken her vows yet, I think.

[39:50] They are still some kind of an authority figure or a symbol of her future, maybe.

Elliott Kalan

[39:55] It gives her a real inferiority complex because it's like when you're a teen and you haven't done it yet and all your friends have and they're talking about it all the time.

[40:03] And you're like, yeah, sure.

[40:04] Okay.

[40:05] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[40:06] Actually, I was probably like, oh, why are you bothering me with this?

[40:09] I would very much like to talk to you about how the X-Men bear distinct similarities to Greek heroes of yore.

Elliott Kalan

[40:17] Actually, I would love to have that conversation, to be honest.

[40:21] Okay, guys.

[40:22] Look, we got a demon problem on hand and it's called the nun.

[40:25] So Irene is like, I got to stay overnight in the Abbey tonight.

[40:30] And she does the same thing all the characters do.

[40:32] She goes walking around after midnight out in the moonlight, just like she used to do, and gets the usual spooky frights.

[40:39] She has a nightmare.

[40:40] Burke, meanwhile, that night, he keeps getting choked by zombie ghoul nuns.

[40:43] It's like he can't turn around without a zombie ghoul nun choking him.

[40:47] And then an evil nun demon is chasing Irene.

[40:50] Ah!

[40:52] Ah!

Stuart Wellington

[40:53] Yeah, I mean, it's a lot of like characters walk into a new room.

[40:58] That new room is scary.

[41:00] They get scared a little bit, just a little, not too much.

[41:04] And then it moves on to the next room.

[41:05] Like the audience.

[41:06] Yeah.

[41:06] And as usual, it almost always features a moment where the character looks at the scary thing,

[41:11] turns to the camera, turns to the left, turns to the right, back where the scary thing was,

[41:16] but it's not there anymore.

[41:18] Yeah.

[41:18] Is it behind you?

[41:19] We don't know.

[41:20] It usually isn't.

[41:21] No one knows.

Elliott Kalan

[41:22] And eventually it's going to strangle you, because here's what I learned about the demon

[41:25] Valak in his form or her form as the nun is loves to strangle.

[41:31] Yeah, I mean, it's...

[41:31] Loves strangling.

[41:32] Snake master.

Stuart Wellington

[41:33] Snakes are stranglers.

[41:35] Well, some snakes are stranglers.

[41:37] Yeah, come on.

[41:37] That is a...

Dan McCoy

[41:38] Or poisons.

[41:40] It's like two methods of death.

[41:42] Painting snakes with a pretty broad brush that I don't appreciate.

Elliott Kalan

[41:46] Which is ironic, since they're such narrow animals.

[41:50] Now, guys, when God made snakes, do you think he meant to give them legs, and then he just

[41:55] forgot because he had to deal with, like, Satan or something, and he left the table, and

[41:58] then he came back?

Dan McCoy

[42:00] Wasn't the Adam and Eve story wasn't part of it?

[42:03] That, like, because of it, you're cursed to slither on the ground?

[42:06] You're the expert, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[42:07] Yeah, Dan, you're the one who grew up in a theological household.

[42:10] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[42:10] Elliot's just trying to run ideas for a B-grade Farside cartoon.

Elliott Kalan

[42:16] I grew up...

[42:17] There is a Farside cartoon where God's making snakes, and he's like, these things are so

[42:20] easy.

[42:21] He's just doing the thing where you just roll a lump of clay between your hands until it

[42:25] becomes a long rod.

Dan McCoy

[42:27] Yeah.

[42:27] I want to clarify that I grew up in a Christian household.

[42:31] Yeah, exactly.

[42:32] And because it was focused...

[42:33] It was actually focused more on theology.

[42:35] Like, we did not take the Old Testament in particular stories to have literal meaning

[42:42] that we needed to understand.

[42:44] They were looked upon as, you know, stories that might illuminate something about...

Stuart Wellington

[42:49] Elliot, I don't know about you, but I'm a little uncomfortable with all this preaching

[42:52] Dan's doing.

[42:53] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[42:53] Yeah, Dan, look, I'm very comfortable with my religion, and I don't need you to try to

[42:57] convince me to join yours, which I guess is a religion of doubt.

[43:00] Are you sure?

[43:01] Just a religion of self-doubt and uncertainty.

Dan McCoy

[43:05] Elliot, if I get 10 more people to sign up, I get a free membership.

[43:12] Wait, hold on.

Elliott Kalan

[43:16] So this is like...

[43:17] Dan, I think you shouldn't have joined the Church of Herbalife.

[43:20] I think that was a mistake.

[43:22] Okay, so that demon, he attacks Burke in the form of Daniel, the exorcised kid, again, and

[43:29] Irene finds she's...

[43:30] So it's been told to us that the nuns are just taking turns praying forever.

[43:35] Yeah.

[43:35] Like, the nuns take turns so that prayer never stops in the Abbey, and for centuries, there's

[43:41] always been some nun saying the prayers.

[43:42] Obviously, that's not the case anymore because they're all ghosts now.

[43:44] Yeah, but that was...

Stuart Wellington

[43:45] And that was in an attempt to, like, keep the evil at bay, keep the, like, sealed portal

[43:50] closed so that hell couldn't come out, right?

[43:53] Yeah.

[43:54] And then, I'm guessing, a bomb hit the Abbey, and a piece of wood comically bonked a nun

[43:58] on the head, and they stopped.

Elliott Kalan

[44:01] And that's probably what happened.

[44:02] And the nun woke up and thought she was a famous Italian race car driver and left.

[44:06] And that gave the demon the opening he needed to leave.

[44:11] So Irene is joined by this army of...

Stuart Wellington

[44:12] And by leave, you mean just wanders around the Abbey for a while.

Elliott Kalan

[44:16] Yes, because there's no way out, because it's essentially one round tunnel with no entrance

[44:20] or exit.

Stuart Wellington

[44:21] Oh, but I guess they need...

[44:22] The demon needs, like, a living host, right?

[44:25] So I guess that makes sense.

[44:26] I shouldn't have made it.

[44:26] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[44:27] The demon can't...

[44:28] As we saw in the prologue, the demon can't just walk out on its own.

[44:32] Yeah.

[44:32] It needs a human host because demon...

[44:36] I guess that's demon rules.

[44:37] Ultra powerful, but they need a body, you know?

Stuart Wellington

[44:40] So it seems like our heroes, Burke and Irene, are a little overmatched here.

[44:45] Like, they're separated and getting beaten at every turn by the demon.

[44:50] And of course, that means that's when Frenchie arrives.

[44:54] And he...

[44:54] Wait, wait, we're...

Elliott Kalan

[44:55] We're not there yet.

[44:57] We're not there yet.

[44:58] Irene is praying with an army of nuns.

[45:00] There's an army of nuns that are praying all together.

[45:02] And the demon's really tossing her...

[45:04] Tossing the nuns around and slashing up Irene's back and slashing her clothes.

[45:08] That's when Burke is led to the horror room by a clue in a crossword puzzle that he sees.

[45:13] What?

[45:14] Because he's been doing a crossword puzzle throughout the movie.

[45:18] And this is when that becomes a plot point.

[45:20] And that's when Frenchie comes back, saves him from a zombie.

[45:24] How does he do it, Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[45:26] Oh, wait.

[45:27] What?

[45:28] There's a crossword puzzle?

Dan McCoy

[45:30] Yeah, I was surprised by that, too.

[45:31] You can tell how much I was engaged with the details of the movie by this point.

Stuart Wellington

[45:36] I mean, if it was important enough to interrupt my description, you surely remember what the clue was in the crossword puzzle, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[45:43] Well, the thing I really wanted to interrupt was I wanted to tell everyone about how Irene has now taken on the task of praying to keep the doorway closed.

[45:52] And she thinks she's surrounded by these other nuns who are being killed by the demon.

[45:56] And she feels like she is being attacked by the demon.

[45:58] Because that's going to come up.

[45:59] That's going to be important.

[46:00] But, I mean, the crossword puzzle, it says, like, left or something like that.

[46:04] And he goes to the left and there's the room.

Stuart Wellington

[46:05] He's like, four letters opposite of right.

[46:10] Wrong is not...

[46:11] That's five letters.

[46:13] No, that's five letters.

Elliott Kalan

[46:14] Let me sit and do this.

[46:15] Oh, why did I start in ink?

[46:16] I should have started in pencil.

Dan McCoy

[46:17] Maybe this is one of those Thursday crosswords where one of the letters is missing.

[46:22] So maybe it is wrong.

[46:23] W-R-O-N.

Elliott Kalan

[46:25] Now, it posits a world where God is Will Shorts, which I don't want to live in that universe.

Dan McCoy

[46:31] Oh, he seems like he'd be a pretty benevolent God.

[46:34] Well, a lot of puzzles we'd have to figure out, though, to get through day-to-day life.

Elliott Kalan

[46:38] To be honest, life is a constant puzzle and you don't get all the clues.

[46:41] And then at the end, all you get as a reward is a finished crossword puzzle.

[46:45] So you know what?

[46:46] Maybe God is Will Shorts.

Stuart Wellington

[46:48] Let me write this down for my Etsy cross-stitch project.

Dan McCoy

[46:52] I'm interested in this new religion you've created, Elliot.

[46:55] Maybe I could switch over to that one because the membership fees are my current one.

Elliott Kalan

[47:00] Ours are very competitive.

[47:02] Look, it's $99 as the initiation fee.

[47:06] And then it's just $600 a month.

[47:08] That's your basic standard plan.

[47:10] That gets you one crossword puzzle a month.

[47:12] Wow.

[47:12] Not a Will Shorts crossword puzzle, but a crossword puzzle.

[47:15] We clip it out of, not the New York Times, but out of the TV guide and send it to you.

[47:19] Now, if you upgrade to the $2,000 a month level, then we'll send you two New York Times crossword

[47:24] puzzles a month.

[47:25] And again, if you get 10 people to join, then you get up to three weeks free.

[47:30] So we'll just prorate that monthly fee.

[47:32] And on top of that, you get absolution from all sins that are crossword puzzle related.

[47:37] Like if you cheat on a crossword puzzle or if you cross out the letters and write something else in,

[47:41] you're absolved of that sin.

[47:43] And you just owe us a billion years of service.

[47:47] So can I sign you up?

Dan McCoy

[47:48] I mean, that is actually pretty close to the cost of subscribing to the New York Times crosswords.

Stuart Wellington

[47:53] Oh!

[47:55] Just a clarifying question.

[47:56] You said you clip it out of a TV guide.

[47:58] Do they still make print TV guides or do you have to like print it off the internet?

[48:03] These are vintage TV guides that we find in flea markets and old age homes across the country.

Dan McCoy

[48:08] To be honest, most of the crosswords are already done at this point, but...

Elliott Kalan

[48:11] But you can take those as omens or something.

[48:15] Sure.

[48:17] So Frenchie, he saves Brooke from a zombie and they go into the horror room and Irene is all alone in there.

[48:25] It turns out there were no other nuns.

[48:27] As Stuart was making clear before, they're all go-go-go-ghosts.

[48:30] She's the only nun-nun-nun-nun still left in the abbey.

[48:33] Uh-huh.

[48:34] And Burke burns up a nun zombie.

[48:37] That was great.

[48:37] He like touches it with a cross and yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[48:39] Yeah.

[48:39] So the nun zombie gets up and they're like wrestling with it and they set it on fire and then Frenchie

[48:44] just blasts it with a shotgun.

[48:45] It's pretty great.

Elliott Kalan

[48:47] He's like, this is what's black and white and red all over.

[48:50] And then shoots the nun.

[48:53] Oh, a crossword joke, right?

Stuart Wellington

[48:56] That's what I was saying.

[48:57] I mean, it could be.

[48:59] It could be.

[49:01] So they're like...

[49:02] You read the words in a crossword?

[49:04] What?

[49:08] Dan?

[49:09] What?

[49:09] Dan, help.

[49:10] Help me.

[49:11] No, it's a...

[49:12] Help, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[49:12] I thought you were making a joke about a newspaper that had blood on it.

[49:15] Yeah, okay.

[49:16] Dan, where's the newspaper?

[49:18] Where's the crossword puzzle?

[49:19] And the newspaper.

Elliott Kalan

[49:21] Third base.

[49:22] And there's blood?

[49:23] What are we doing?

[49:26] So anyway, they've got to seal this gateway, but they need Christ's blood to do it.

[49:30] As they know from the flashback earlier when the nun was info dumping, there's like a glass globe that has a little bit of Jesus's blood in it.

[49:39] And this feels like it's a long game for Valak because eventually they're going to run out of blood.

[49:44] Yeah.

[49:44] Jesus only had eight pints of blood in him, right?

[49:46] So eventually...

[49:47] How many thousands of years is that going to last?

[49:49] I mean, you don't drain it all at once, right?

Stuart Wellington

[49:51] You just take little globs every once in a while, right?

Dan McCoy

[49:54] No, but eventually they're going to run out even with just taking those little drips.

[49:58] So is this long, congealed, like clotted blood?

[50:01] Like, I don't...

Stuart Wellington

[50:02] It's magic, dude.

[50:03] I mean...

[50:03] It stays...

[50:04] Well, they address that there's a big pile of blood on the front steps.

[50:08] Yeah, when they like walk up to the Abbey and they're like, wow, it's still wet.

[50:12] Yeah.

[50:12] But it's been like a bunch of days.

Elliott Kalan

[50:14] Oh.

[50:15] Yeah, because magic blood stays wet.

[50:16] I mean, you'd have to assume buying into this world of Catholic mysticism that Christ's blood would just stay liquid forever since it's a holy miracle that it exists at all.

[50:25] Yeah.

[50:25] But, you know, maybe it's...

[50:28] They should have had that when they're pouring it to seal the gateway.

[50:30] It's like syrup or ketchup and it's taking forever and the demon is running after them.

[50:34] They're like, come on, come on, come on, come on.

[50:36] Like when someone's trying to get...

[50:37] Download a file before someone else walks into the room and that status bar is just going too slow.

Dan McCoy

[50:43] Maybe he turned it back into wine to keep it liquid over the years.

[50:47] What?

[50:48] Oh, yeah, that makes sense.

[50:49] That makes a lot of sense.

[50:50] I thought there was water.

[50:51] What?

[50:52] No.

[50:52] Yeah, it was water that turned into wine.

[50:53] I'm talking about the communion.

[50:55] When he's like, this is my blood.

[50:56] Whitley Stryver?

Elliott Kalan

[50:57] Whitley Stryver's communion when the aliens came down and broke him?

Dan McCoy

[51:00] He drank wine in honor of Jesus's blood being spilled.

[51:05] In church?

[51:05] And he says this is...

[51:06] And Catholics would believe it's the literal blood of Christ because of transubstantiation.

Elliott Kalan

[51:12] Dan, I told you to not preach so much to me.

[51:14] Oh, God damn it.

[51:15] Dan, we're not interested in joining your religion, okay?

[51:18] Okay.

[51:19] But Dan makes a good point.

[51:20] I mean, I wouldn't know because as a Jew, I don't drink wine.

[51:25] Actually, that's not true.

[51:26] Wine is a staple of almost all Jewish holidays.

[51:28] Just gross wine.

[51:32] The Jews say, I don't drink good wine.

[51:36] That's what a Jewish vampire would say.

Stuart Wellington

[51:39] Years ago at a Purim party at Charlene's, I think Charlene tried to come up with a cocktail

[51:43] using Manischewitz and quickly abandoned it.

Elliott Kalan

[51:51] It's like, yeah, what's it like when you drink a pixie stick?

[51:53] Well, there it is, Manischewitz.

[51:55] Very sweet.

[51:56] Okay, so they've got to seal this gateway.

[51:58] They need Christ's blood to do it, but where's the relic?

[52:00] Irene says, before we do this, I know we should probably hurry because Valak is trying to

[52:05] steal our bodies so it can escape into the world.

[52:07] But first, I feel like I should be a nun to do this.

[52:10] I want to take my vows because you know what?

[52:12] This movie is called The Nun and all the nuns are ghosts.

[52:15] There's not a real nun in this whole movie.

[52:17] Time for me to step up and become the nun.

[52:19] Because here's my question, guys.

[52:21] Who's the nun in this movie?

[52:23] It's her.

[52:23] It's Irene.

[52:24] I thought it was the demon nun this whole time, but is it really her, Irene?

Stuart Wellington

[52:28] In storytelling, Elliot, we would call this The Tilt.

Dan McCoy

[52:32] What?

Stuart Wellington

[52:34] When you think the nun in the title refers to the monster nun.

[52:39] No, no, no.

[52:39] Not so fast.

[52:40] It's Sister Irene who will become the nun.

Dan McCoy

[52:43] And that...

[52:43] Okay.

[52:44] What emotion does that elicit in us?

[52:46] Shock and surprise.

[52:49] Really?

[52:50] This mild play on the title?

[52:53] That's when...

[52:54] Freak our brains?

Stuart Wellington

[52:56] When Dan and I were watching this movie in the movie theater in Dan's private movie theater

[53:00] as in his apartment, he turned to me and he goes, now she's the nun.

[53:06] I was like, calm down, dude.

[53:08] I'm trying to watch the movie.

Dan McCoy

[53:09] No, that's when I held uncomfortably long eye contact with Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[53:14] Yeah.

[53:15] Dan just looked at him forever and went, and then there were nuns.

[53:21] So Irene's like, oh, when I was young, I always had this dream that Mary would point the way,

[53:27] and they see a statue of the Virgin Mary, and it points them where the holy relic is.

[53:30] So much as in the hit film signs, something that happened as a kid now turns out to be

[53:37] the thing she needs in this moment because God is nothing if not confusing and also,

[53:43] I guess, operating on a different sense of linear time.

[53:46] Yeah, yeah.

[53:46] It would be much more helpful if God gave her that information now than if he gave it to her as a child.

[53:51] Yeah.

[53:51] He was like, remember this, okay?

[53:52] Yeah.

[53:53] Write this down.

Stuart Wellington

[53:53] And the way the sunlight is bouncing off the statue's finger to point the way is very,

[54:00] very much like the way Nathan Drake would solve a mystery in the Uncharted video games.

[54:06] Like a pirate said that this thing would be pointing at this.

Elliott Kalan

[54:11] So they get the holy relic.

[54:14] I guess it's got some blood in it.

[54:16] It just looked like a glass globe to me.

[54:17] They split up because why wouldn't they?

[54:19] They have what they need, and they know where they need to go.

[54:21] Why not split up and go in different directions?

[54:24] A lot of dungeon crawling.

[54:25] They're all getting attacked by haunty things.

Stuart Wellington

[54:27] Obviously, at this point, you're probably wondering,

[54:30] why don't they just take the blood and pour it all over Frenchie's shotgun bullets

[54:34] so he can blast that nun?

[54:37] But, you know, I mean, that would require a certain level of crafting skill.

[54:41] You probably haven't got enough experience points for that yet, so we'll just move on.

[54:46] Wait, crafting skill?

[54:48] Yeah, you have to have the crafting skill.

[54:49] To just dip your bullets in blood?

[54:50] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[54:50] So you have to find a crafting station.

[54:52] I guess in this case it would be, I don't know, like a sarcophagus or something that has,

[54:58] you hit the X button, and then you have to hold the Y button to craft the item you want to craft.

[55:02] Seems like you could find a sarcophagus down there.

[55:03] But he doesn't have enough crafting tools, so he can't craft it.

[55:06] To dip a bullet in blood?

[55:07] And as I mentioned, it takes a lot of experience points to raise your crafting skill to that level.

[55:12] What experience do you need?

[55:14] You have to have the holy trade or else you can't make a holy weapon like that.

[55:17] How do you get this experience?

[55:19] You get experience points by battling demons, Dan.

[55:21] And dipping a bullet in blood?

Elliott Kalan

[55:24] That's why they go through the hallways fighting those demons is to get their XPs up so they can make the blood bullets.

[55:29] Yeah, you got to grind a little bit.

Stuart Wellington

[55:30] All right, sure.

[55:33] You got to farm.

[55:35] Obviously, you would normally in this situation be like, oh, I got a job in a real life.

[55:39] I don't have time to farm XPs.

[55:40] I'll pay my little brother to do it.

[55:42] Now, that would normally be a good idea, but you give your brother the money first.

[55:46] Big mistake.

[55:48] Instead of farming those XPs, he takes that money down to the corner store and he buys all kinds of candy.

[55:53] And you're like, normally, this is a good idea because candy has plenty of nutritious value.

[55:57] Just check the wrapper.

[55:59] It says it.

[55:59] So he starts eating all the candy.

[56:03] Because that candy, there was a problem at the factory and they accidentally put shrinking serum in the candy.

[56:11] Oh, God.

[56:12] Now, normally, you'd say, that's fine.

[56:14] My little brother could be a little bit smaller.

[56:16] He'll still be my little brother because he's small.

[56:20] That's the important thing.

[56:22] But he ate so much of it, right?

[56:23] He ate so much of it, exactly.

[56:24] He ate so much of that candy.

[56:25] So he eats all that candy.

[56:27] Oh, no.

[56:28] Because he shrunk so small, now he can walk between the spaces between the particles in your atoms.

[56:36] He goes back in time.

[56:38] Now he's your older brother.

[56:40] But he's far too small to actually do anything about it.

[56:43] He can't pick on you.

[56:44] He can't help you.

[56:45] He can't teach you how to ride a bike.

[56:46] Because, as I said before, he's so small.

Dan McCoy

[56:51] This is a series of unfortunate events.

Stuart Wellington

[56:53] I mean, you can extrapolate this problem from here on.

[56:56] I don't have to go into it.

Elliott Kalan

[56:58] Oh, yeah.

[56:59] Luckily, Elizabeth Warren's got a plan for all that.

[57:01] So, anyway, they split up and they're dungeon crawling.

[57:05] They're all getting haunted and attacked.

[57:06] Burke gets bitten in the face by a demon ghost snake.

[57:09] And Irene almost drowns.

[57:12] But she pulls a little bit of nonsense of her own.

[57:16] While she pretends that she's dead.

[57:18] So that the demon will lift her up out of the water to check her work.

[57:21] Because the demon loves strangling.

[57:23] And when she does that, she spits a mouthful of Christ's blood right into Valak's demon nun face.

Stuart Wellington

[57:28] Whoa.

[57:29] And Valak's like, I saw this in the movie Tales from the Crypt Demon Knight.

Elliott Kalan

[57:35] So, she had a sneak preview of it.

[57:37] Because this is 1952, remember, when this is happening.

Stuart Wellington

[57:40] Yeah, I mean, I feel like time is kind of like an artificial construct for a demon like Valak.

[57:47] So, Valak exists at all points in all times.

[57:49] So, he's probably already seen Demon Knight.

[57:52] And by that, I mean probably hasn't yet seen Demon Knight.

[57:55] It's complicated.

[57:57] I'll draw you a map.

Elliott Kalan

[58:00] I want to see your work on this one.

[58:03] So, Valak is like, no, blah, blah.

[58:06] And is like crumbling to little pieces and gets dragged back to hell.

[58:10] And Irene looks like she's drowned.

[58:12] But then Frenchie gives her mouth to mouth and saves her.

[58:15] I forgot to mention Frenchie gets his.

[58:17] There's a part earlier where you think Frenchie gets killed by Valak.

[58:20] But that's only after Frenchie gets his badass catchphrase moment where the demon is like, you should have stayed away, Frenchman.

[58:28] And he goes, I'm French Canadian.

[58:30] And then, what, shoots her with a shotgun or something?

[58:33] Yeah.

[58:33] I mean, that is an important.

[58:34] That's when Dan and I were in the theater.

Stuart Wellington

[58:37] Oh, yeah.

[58:37] Yeah, my home theater.

[58:39] We were sharing a giant tub of popcorn.

[58:41] And when that happened, Dan threw the popcorn bucket in the air.

[58:43] And I'm like, Dan, I was eating that.

[58:46] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[58:47] But he was just so excited about it.

[58:48] Well, a Nazi monkey had poured some poison in it.

[58:52] So, that was actually why I kept you from eating any more.

Stuart Wellington

[58:56] I didn't realize the monkey was a Nazi in the Raiders of the Lost Ark.

[59:02] I mean, he does salute, right?

[59:03] He's working for the Nazis.

Dan McCoy

[59:05] I mean, I think as a monkey, he probably does not have a moral sense about what he's signed up for to support.

Elliott Kalan

[59:11] Because, as you know, monkeys didn't eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, as Adam and Eve did.

[59:15] We went over the stand.

[59:16] Please stop proselytizing.

Dan McCoy

[59:18] I just want to say that if someone told me that they weren't French, they were French Canadian, I would be more scared of them than before.

[59:25] Yeah.

[59:26] Like, I do think that that's accurate.

[59:28] Uh-huh.

[59:28] Okay.

[59:28] Interesting.

[59:29] There's a lot of tough French Canadians out there.

[59:30] What is it about French Canadians that scares you so much?

[59:31] But they're all lumberjacks?

[59:32] They're all lumberjacks.

[59:34] Every single one of them.

[59:35] Mm-hmm.

[59:36] Every, every, all of them.

[59:37] Or hockey players.

[59:38] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[59:39] I mean, what's a hockey player but a lumberjack on ice, to be honest?

[59:42] That's actually true.

Dan McCoy

[59:43] Let's put it on a t-shirt and sell it in Canada.

[59:48] I think you do it.

Elliott Kalan

[59:49] It's a Venn diagram, and one says hockey players, and one says lumberjacks, and it almost totally overlaps.

[59:53] Yeah.

[59:53] Mm-hmm.

[59:54] We're very close to the end.

[59:55] So the next morning, they leave.

[59:57] Mm-hmm.

[59:58] I don't know why they didn't leave that night.

[1:00:01] The problem's taken care of, but I guess they want to spend another night in this creepy old abbey.

[1:00:04] Mm-hmm.

[1:00:05] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:05] I think we've covered that, like, when you gotta, for these characters, when you gotta catch some Zs, you gotta do it.

[1:00:11] Yeah.

[1:00:11] It's better if you've just been buried alive and found a bunch of demon books.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:14] Again, they gotta get those HPs back.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:17] Yeah.

[1:00:17] Thank you, Dan.

[1:00:18] It's a rest period.

[1:00:19] Thank you for speaking in my language.

[1:00:21] And finally, Dan understands Stewart's religion.

[1:00:23] Yeah.

[1:00:24] Yeah.

[1:00:25] And the problem is that normally, normally when you rest and heal all your HPs back, then all the enemies in the area respawn.

[1:00:32] But, ha-ha, you've already defeated the boss, so you don't have to worry about it.

[1:00:35] It's fine.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:37] So, I guess they're also reburying all the nuns that night, right?

[1:00:40] Like, they're reconsecrating the ground of the abbey.

[1:00:42] Ugh.

[1:00:43] But the next morning, they leave.

[1:00:44] Yeah.

[1:00:44] And everyone's like, oh, this is great.

[1:00:46] We're all gonna go now.

[1:00:47] But, uh-oh, what's that on the back of Frenchie's neck?

[1:00:51] It's an upside-down cross.

[1:00:53] Looks like Valak did find its host.

[1:00:55] Ah!

[1:00:57] Ah!

[1:00:58] And then suddenly, and this was the strangest thing.

[1:01:00] It's, again, to tie it in with the rest of the Conjuring universe.

[1:01:03] It says 20 years later, and it's the investigators from the Conjuring, right?

[1:01:08] They're giving, like, a presentation at a college or is it a local community center?

[1:01:11] And they're like, oh, yeah, well, we dealt with the exorcism of this guy Maurice.

[1:01:15] He was a French-Canadian who got possessed.

[1:01:17] And it's like, so we dealt with that.

[1:01:19] And not having seen the other Conjuring movies, I was like, so is he in the other Conjuring movies?

[1:01:24] Or is that, like, they treat it as if this is, like, a major thing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:27] I feel like, for some reason, it feels like, I mean, I don't remember the first Conjuring that well,

[1:01:32] but there's a chance that this, like, this footage was used in the beginning of the first Conjuring.

[1:01:36] Yeah, there's a chance.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:37] I don't know.

[1:01:38] I did not care enough, to be honest, to really, like, unspool this ball of yarn.

[1:01:44] But I think that this is meant to go directly into the beginning of either the original Conjuring or Conjuring 2.

[1:01:51] And it being, like, this is how they come to know of, like, some supernatural thing that needs to be taken care of.

[1:02:00] Uh-huh.

[1:02:00] Is through this exorcism.

[1:02:01] Of Valak, right?

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:02] Yeah.

[1:02:02] Because Valak shows up later in the series.

[1:02:04] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:05] So it's like, this is when they finally, when Harry met Valak?

[1:02:08] Yeah.

[1:02:09] When they were dealing with the French-Canadian guy?

Dan McCoy

[1:02:10] This is an epilogue that is total nonsense.

[1:02:14] If you haven't seen other Conjuring films, you're like, wow, what a weird way to end a movie.

[1:02:20] We, like, one character rides off, and then we flash forward to 20 years where he gets exorcised of the demon.

[1:02:26] We saw that it was in the end.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:27] Yeah, and I do like how it does that thing where, like, they do the reveal.

[1:02:31] They're like, they called him Frenchie.

[1:02:33] And then the camera, like, the film pauses for a second.

[1:02:37] And then it, like, slowly fades to black in, like, a classic horror movie sort of way.

[1:02:42] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:44] Yeah, because they're bringing it all together finally.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:47] Yeah, so some stray thoughts here.

[1:02:50] Now, there was a great moment in the movie where when they find the relic and they're like, this is the blood of Jesus Christ.

[1:02:57] And Frenchie goes, holy shit.

[1:03:00] And Father Burke, of course, says, the holiest.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:04] Yeah, that was, I mean, he is implicitly calling Jesus' blood shit, which I assume would be heresy.

[1:03:10] I mean, there's a funny moment.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:11] There's definitely moments in this movie where I'm like, they want it to be silly and wacky.

[1:03:17] Like, it's not a super serious horror movie.

[1:03:21] And I think those points are fun.

[1:03:24] But I wish it, I don't know, I wish it, I guess we're going into Final Fantasy.

[1:03:27] Final Judgment.

[1:03:28] Yeah, let's do Final Judgment.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:29] Wait, is this movie totally scarifying?

[1:03:32] Is it totally snorifying?

[1:03:35] Or is it frighteningly funny?

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:39] So, yeah, I guess I'm saying, I'm going to say this one's snorifying.

[1:03:44] I mean, I like it when possessed kid ghosts barf out snakes that come chasing people around.

[1:03:52] But it does, like, it just, it is just like a collection of jump scares.

[1:03:56] I mean, I like the performances from the leads, but there's just not that much going on here.

[1:04:02] There's nothing really to, like, I feel like there's nothing, the movie, other than jump scares, the movie doesn't actually ground itself in anything that's really that scary.

[1:04:14] The characters are fairly thin, and they don't have anything, I don't know, like, there's nothing deeper than the immediate going on in this movie.

[1:04:25] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:25] Yeah, it feels like they took a movie, they took what should have been, like, the B subplot of a sequel, like this flashback parallel line, and tried to make it into its own movie, and they just don't have enough movie there.

[1:04:39] Not enough movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:41] Yeah.

[1:04:41] I, you know, the movie looks pretty good, and I think Tessa Farmiga in particular, I liked her performance, but in general, I was just bored.

[1:04:51] I kind of wanted it either to be more of, like, a slow burn horror movie that focused on creeping you out, or more of just, like, wacky, like, we're going to throw all kinds of scares at you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:03] Tons more Frenchie.

[1:05:05] Tons more scenes where our leads, when hiring Frenchie to take them to the Abbey, accidentally put their bags on a truck that is not Frenchie's, and it drives away.

[1:05:15] And Frenchie is, like, has a mule cart, and he laughs at them, and he calls for the truck to stop.

[1:05:20] And eagle-eyed viewers will spot that the license plate on that truck says, Valak on it.

[1:05:27] As if Valak himself was trying to steal their luggage.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:31] Is that what he's in it for the whole time, is Valak's just trying to steal people's things?

[1:05:36] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:05:37] He's like, what's the best way to steal someone's things?

[1:05:40] To become them by inhabiting their body.

[1:05:42] Because then it's your things.

[1:05:44] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:46] Possession is nine-tenths of the law.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:49] Oh, shit.

[1:05:51] That would have been a great tagline.

[1:05:52] Oh, boy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:53] Yeah.

[1:05:54] If it was called Exorcist Cop, whose possession is nine-tenths of the law, I'd watch that movie.

[1:06:00] Sure.

[1:06:02] So, snorifying.

[1:06:03] Yeah, three snorifying.

[1:06:05] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:06] I'm glad you finally caught on to my arcane system of measurement.

[1:06:10] Well, Alexis, we got big news.

S4

[1:06:17] Uh-oh.

[1:06:18] Season one, done.

[1:06:19] It's over.

[1:06:19] Season two, coming at you hot.

[1:06:21] Three years after.

[1:06:23] Three and a half.

[1:06:23] Season one.

[1:06:24] Technically, almost four years.

[1:06:25] All right.

[1:06:26] And now, listen, here at Can I Pet Your Dog, the Smash It podcast.

[1:06:29] Our seasons run for three and a half years.

[1:06:31] And then in season two, we come at you with new, hot co-hosts.

[1:06:36] Named you.

[1:06:36] Hi, I'm Alexis.

[1:06:37] And I also have.

[1:06:39] All the field troops.

[1:06:40] Dog tech.

[1:06:40] Yeah.

[1:06:41] Dog news.

[1:06:42] Celebrity guests.

[1:06:43] Oh, big shots.

[1:06:44] Will not let them talk about their resume.

[1:06:46] Nope.

[1:06:46] Only the dogs.

[1:06:48] I mean, if ever you were going to get in to Can I Pet Your Dog.

[1:06:50] Now's the time.

[1:06:51] Get in here.

[1:06:52] Every Tuesday.

[1:06:53] At MaximumFun.org.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:57] Listen, I'm a hotshot Hollywood movie producer.

[1:06:59] You have until I finish my glass of kombucha to pitch me your idea.

[1:07:02] Go.

Alonso Duralde

[1:07:04] It's called Who Shot Ya?

[1:07:05] A movie podcast that isn't just a bunch of straight white dudes.

[1:07:08] I'm Ify Whiteyway, the new host of the show and a certified BBN.

[1:07:12] BBN?

[1:07:13] Buff Black Nerd.

[1:07:14] I'm Alonzo Duraldi, an elderly gay and legit film critic who wrote a book on Christmas movies.

[1:07:18] I'm Drea Clark, a loud white lady from Minnesota.

[1:07:22] Each week, we talk about a new movie in theaters and all the important issues going on in the film industry.

[1:07:27] It's like Guess Who's Coming to Dinner meets Cruising.

[1:07:29] And if it helps seal the deal, I can flex my muscles while we record each episode.

[1:07:33] I'm sorry.

[1:07:34] This is a podcast?

[1:07:35] I'm a movie producer.

[1:07:36] How did you get in here?

S4

[1:07:38] Ify, quick.

[1:07:38] Start flexing.

Alonso Duralde

[1:07:39] Bicep.

[1:07:40] Lats.

[1:07:41] Chest.

[1:07:42] Who Shot Ya?

[1:07:43] Dropping every Friday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:49] And now on to ads.

[1:07:52] Why are you pausing so much?

[1:07:53] And now on.

[1:07:54] I don't know what you expected me to say about that.

[1:07:56] Hold on.

[1:07:56] He's like, pause for audience laughing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:59] Hold on.

[1:08:00] Is that where you're going to put the beep so people know to turn their page in the read aloud version of this?

[1:08:04] And now on to ads.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:07] Oh, cool.

[1:08:09] Flap House is sponsored in part by Squarespace.

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Stuart Wellington

[1:08:59] Yeah, so I like the energy on that read.

[1:09:04] Maybe 10% energy, more energy, and then like a little bit, because it's obviously, this is Shocktober.

[1:09:11] Maybe like 5% more Dracula.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:14] Okay.

[1:09:15] Yeah, yeah.

[1:09:15] Like maybe you could have called it Scare Space at some point.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:17] Okay.

[1:09:19] Should I try the next one with 5% more Dracula?

[1:09:23] Yeah, and 10% more energy.

[1:09:25] Like Dracula got hit by lightning.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:27] Like Dracula took the blood of someone who's on a coke high right now.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:32] Yeah, I'm going to tell you right off the bat that 5% is a very hard amount of Dracula to add.

[1:09:37] But just a little touch of Dracula.

[1:09:39] Because you put Dracula into anything, it tends to take over the whole thing.

[1:09:44] Yeah, it dominates.

[1:09:45] So I'm going to...

[1:09:46] Yeah, that's the challenge.

[1:09:46] That's the challenge with Dracula.

[1:09:49] HelloFresh.

[1:09:51] Do not...

[1:09:52] Wait, sorry.

[1:09:53] No, that's the copy telling me what not to do.

[1:09:56] Sorry.

[1:09:56] I'm so into this idea of trying to Dracula-lize it.

[1:10:00] Yeah.

[1:10:01] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:01] Just a little bit of Drek.

[1:10:02] Just Drek it up 5%.

[1:10:03] Like Stuart said, just a little bit.

[1:10:05] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:06] The Flop House is brought to you in part by HelloFresh.

[1:10:12] HelloFresh makes cooking delicious meals at home a reality, regardless of your comfort in the kitchen.

[1:10:18] Uh-huh.

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[1:10:38] But when you're making your HelloFresh, never drink wine for a total of 80.

[1:10:46] Wait.

[1:10:46] What?

[1:10:47] For a total.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:47] It's not that he hates wine, unless that's part of the copy.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:51] It's not that he serves wine to other people.

[1:10:54] He just doesn't drink it.

[1:10:55] Never yourself.

[1:10:56] If you're me, drink wine, except for 95% of the time, because I'm only 5% Dracula.

[1:11:03] For a total of $80 off your first month.

[1:11:05] Wait.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:05] So 95% of what he drinks is wine and 5% is blood?

[1:11:09] Like, no water, no soda.

[1:11:11] It's just wine?

[1:11:11] Like, that's the problem.

[1:11:13] This guy has a problem, Dan.

[1:11:15] For a total.

[1:11:16] Is this Johnny Depp?

[1:11:18] You're being Johnny Depp right now.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:23] That's $20 off your first four boxes.

[1:11:26] Visit HelloFresh.com slash Flop80 and enter promo code FLOP80.

[1:11:31] That's HelloFresh.com slash Flop80.

[1:11:34] Promo code FLOP80.

[1:11:39] That last paragraph had the number 80 in it several times.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:43] You know.

[1:11:44] Which, wrong vampire, Dan.

[1:11:45] That's the count.

[1:11:46] Not Dracula.

[1:11:47] The count would be interested in that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:49] Yeah.

[1:11:49] When I saw that Adreed car approaching the curve of wow-worthy, I was not expecting you

[1:11:58] to handle it as well as you did, Dan.

[1:11:59] Well done.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:00] Thank you.

[1:12:00] No.

[1:12:01] I think that was...

[1:12:02] I'm going to give you a solid B plus on that.

[1:12:04] Wow.

[1:12:05] Wow.

[1:12:05] B plus.

[1:12:06] Thank you.

[1:12:06] You can put that on your fridge.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:08] Hey, there are no other...

[1:12:09] There are not any other formal advertisements, but I do want to do a quick favor for a former

[1:12:16] Flophouse guest co-host.

[1:12:18] Okay.

[1:12:19] Frank Lesser, who did, I believe, Next, the episode Next, and maybe one other, former Colbert

[1:12:26] writer, has a new thing out on IMDb titled You're Not a Monster.

[1:12:31] It's a cartoon.

[1:12:31] A new thing?

[1:12:32] It's a new cartoon.

[1:12:34] Oh, okay.

[1:12:34] Out on IMDb called You're Not a Monster about a therapist for monsters.

[1:12:39] It has a lot of big names involved, so I don't know why he wanted me to mention it, because

[1:12:42] what can I do?

[1:12:43] But it stars Eric Stonestreet, Kelsey Grammer, and Aparna Nancharla as the...

[1:12:49] Aparna Nancharla.

[1:12:50] Yeah, I knew I was going to fuck it up.

[1:12:52] I mean, she's hilarious, but I have bad tongue for talking.

[1:12:58] And...

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:58] To find...

[1:13:00] For the next stage of your quest, you'll need the help of Daniel Bad Tongue.

[1:13:04] And it has...

[1:13:05] He's a bard in a far-off village.

[1:13:07] I don't know why he's a bard.

[1:13:08] His tongue is bad.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:10] And it has guests like Ellie Kemper, Patton Oswalt, Amber Ruffin, and Amy Sedaris.

[1:13:15] Great cast, obviously.

[1:13:16] So check out You're Not a Monster.

[1:13:18] And now, you've called in your chit, Frank Lesser.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:22] Wow, his marker.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:23] Come to me no more.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:26] You like the show.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:28] No, it's a good show.

[1:13:29] He's funny.

[1:13:30] These are all funny people.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:32] Why would?

[1:13:33] So, I should mention, this is coming out...

[1:13:36] I think this episode is, what, being released on Saturday, October 12th?

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:40] Yeah, so we're going to be in La La Land, right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:42] We're in Los Angeles today.

[1:13:44] If you're hearing this episode the day it is released, we are in Los Angeles tonight at

[1:13:49] the Regent Theater at 7 p.m.

[1:13:51] Yeah.

[1:13:51] I don't know if there's going to be tickets left available by then, but it's worth trying.

[1:13:56] So, maybe there'll be some left.

[1:13:57] The Regent Theater, we're going to be talking about Dark Phoenix, the movie that killed the

[1:14:01] X-Men series.

[1:14:02] For now.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:04] Now, it is my understanding, Elliot, that the people in LA are often walk up at the door

[1:14:15] and buy ticket types.

[1:14:16] They like to put things off because there's a lot of driving around in cars, maybe.

[1:14:20] They don't necessarily want to know until the day whether they're coming.

[1:14:24] I know you're trying to create a sense of scarcity by saying, I don't know if there are going

[1:14:28] to be tickets left.

[1:14:29] But I also do not want to discourage anyone who last minute wants to take a shot at coming

[1:14:34] to the show because I hope we can get everyone in.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:38] Okay.

[1:14:40] Okay.

[1:14:40] So, Dan, you're hat in hand on your knees.

[1:14:45] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:45] Well, I mean, we're trying two different and opposing sales techniques.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:49] Uh-huh.

[1:14:50] You know, I'm the good cop to Elliot's bad cop in this.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:53] Uh, I think I would call it good salesman to your bad salesman.

[1:14:56] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:57] Well, I just, I don't want to discourage, you know, possible sales.

[1:15:00] That's all.

[1:15:01] Yeah.

[1:15:02] Is this, uh, is this your audition for a sales job?

[1:15:04] A sales position?

[1:15:05] Right.

[1:15:06] I mean, I guess you do ad reads for every, uh, every time you do one of these shows and

[1:15:10] I mean, they're great.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:12] Yeah.

[1:15:12] You do a good job.

[1:15:13] People love them.

[1:15:14] Wow.

[1:15:15] Worthy.

[1:15:15] I would describe them.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:16] So we, uh, so yeah, so we're doing a show in Los Angeles.

[1:15:19] If you come up and ask Dan a riddle and stump him.

[1:15:22] Yeah.

[1:15:23] Uh, he'll take his picture with you and then you'll have his soul.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:28] To be fair though, Dan is very good with riddles.

[1:15:30] So really challenge him.

[1:15:32] Boy.

[1:15:33] You got to give him a, like a Samson level riddle.

[1:15:36] Uh huh.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:37] Oh shit.

[1:15:38] About like honey and lions and stuff.

[1:15:42] Oh, okay.

[1:15:42] You said honey.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:43] Yeah.

[1:15:43] So, so that's today.

[1:15:44] The day this episode comes out in downtown Los Angeles.

[1:15:47] Come down and see the show.

[1:15:48] It's going to be fun.

[1:15:49] It's 7 PM.

[1:15:49] Dark Phoenix.

[1:15:51] So Dan, what do we do next on this show?

Dan McCoy

[1:15:53] Well, next we're going to answer a few letters or, or, or read them if there is nothing

[1:15:57] to answer from listeners.

[1:15:59] I don't want to.

[1:16:00] Glad you covered all our bases on that one, Dan.

[1:16:02] I don't want to ham us in.

[1:16:03] I don't want to, I don't want to be the victim of a class action lawsuit of all the listeners

[1:16:08] who are like, I thought you were just going to answer questions.

[1:16:10] Not read letters.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:12] I want to add, I want to pull the curtain back a little bit.

[1:16:14] Elliot's been, uh, Skyping with us and moving his phone a lot.

[1:16:18] He keeps walking around the room doing something.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:22] I had to, I had to, I had to make sure to plug my phone in.

[1:16:24] I thought I had enough battery for the whole session.

[1:16:27] I didn't.

[1:16:28] I'm using Skyping on my phone because I had an issue with my zoom recorder that I'm still

[1:16:33] working on.

[1:16:33] And so I'm using my computer as a backup recording device.

[1:16:36] And so in order so that I don't have problems with audacity, the recording program on my computer, I am Skyping on the phone instead of on the computer.

[1:16:44] I mean, I don't think it really.

[1:16:45] So we pulled back the curtain on the least interesting thing.

[1:16:47] You made it less interesting.

[1:16:49] I was just saying it was crazy.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:51] Yeah, but also, uh, apologies to listeners if any, like, fumblings or rumblings are, uh, audible.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:58] Or if Dan and Stuart seem confused by the way the camera is spinning out of control.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:05] Guys, I think, uh, I hired Darren Aronofsky to shoot my Skype conversation.

[1:17:11] And if you're not ready for that kind of high intensity camera work, it's no problem.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:15] Yeah, it's like, it's like Elliot's stem, uh, chip is kicked in and he's about to battle some dudes.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:21] Uh, all right.

[1:17:22] So that's great.

[1:17:23] Um, letters.

[1:17:25] This first one is from Adam, last name withheld.

[1:17:27] Uh-huh.

[1:17:28] Who writes?

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:28] Ruins everything, sure.

[1:17:29] Let's see if he ruins our podcast.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:31] Dear Peaches, you've seen a lot of bad, bad movies that are bad in part because they fail to take advantage of the medium

[1:17:37] or because of lackluster acting and or poor directorial choices.

[1:17:43] Which Flophouse movie do you think failed as a film, but whose story could be turned into a legitimately good work of written fiction?

[1:17:51] Yours in flopitude, Adam, last name withheld.

[1:17:55] I, I, you know, I, I think we go to this well a lot for this kind of, uh, question actually, but for whatever reason.

[1:18:02] But I think maybe The Odd Life of Timothy Green could be turned into a fairly interesting, like, offbeat young adult fantasy book.

[1:18:12] I mean, just, you know, like it, it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:15] Like an anamorph type thing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:16] Are you just trying to get back in, uh, Lin-Manuel Miranda's good graces?

Dan McCoy

[1:18:20] Uh, yeah, that, I could be.

[1:18:23] My bim bam is coming to Brooklyn and there's always the off chance I could run into him.

[1:18:27] Yeah.

[1:18:28] Uh, I don't know.

[1:18:29] Um, but I feel like there's something about that.

[1:18:32] Like the whimsy of it, I feel like would go better down on the page somehow.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:37] I think you're probably right.

[1:18:38] I, you know, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go on a limb here, but I think, I think there's something

[1:18:44] about those Fifty Shades of Grey movies, right?

[1:18:48] They could, they could make some hot books.

[1:18:50] Yeah.

[1:18:50] Think about it.

[1:18:51] Some hot, really poorly written books, maybe.

[1:18:54] I don't, I don't know why you'd say that.

[1:18:56] I mean, uh, or I'm, I feel like I'm also, I'm, I have another one that isn't a joke, guys.

[1:19:04] Okay.

[1:19:04] That last one was a joke.

[1:19:06] I know.

[1:19:06] I can tell by your, your large reactions.

[1:19:08] Amused expressions.

[1:19:09] That you really enjoyed it.

[1:19:11] Uh, you know, uh, you try a bunch.

[1:19:14] Wait, hold on, wait, hold on, hold on, wait.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:18] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:21] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:23] He did it.

[1:19:24] The perfect joke.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:26] Yeah, I did.

[1:19:27] It was, oh.

[1:19:27] Somebody stop him.

[1:19:29] He's smoking.

[1:19:30] No, no, no.

[1:19:31] The mass, the mass lawyers are gonna come at this.

[1:19:35] Uh, I was gonna say, although I think this, uh, I think.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:39] Boom goes the dynamite.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:40] I think we, we kind of said that this one, uh, this movie actually kind of worked a bit.

[1:19:44] I think it would be, it would make a fun, uh, like a written paperback thriller was the Halle Berry movie Kidnap.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:51] Hmm.

[1:19:51] Oh, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:52] Where a mother and the aid of her, uh, very, uh, sensibly, uh, gas powered, uh, SUV managed.

[1:20:02] I don't know what I was fucking trying to say.

[1:20:03] It was a, it was a, it was a town and country, right?

[1:20:05] Yeah.

[1:20:06] Uh, her SUV and her managed to thwart, uh, kidnappers.

[1:20:10] And it's great.

[1:20:11] And I think it would make a fun, uh, paperback thriller.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:14] Okay.

[1:20:14] Uh, I think, this is gonna sound weird, but I think the Book of Henry, if it was a French or Japanese comic.

[1:20:23] Uh-huh.

[1:20:23] Yeah.

[1:20:24] And had some changes, I think could have worked.

[1:20:26] I think it being from another country would have made some of these strange things about it that were off-putting seem quirky and, and, and, and fun.

[1:20:33] And I think if it was in a comic book form and we weren't watching actual human beings trying to be these characters, then, uh, they might have been more viable, more believable.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:42] So would it just be called Henry, then, instead of the Book of Henry?

[1:20:45] And if it was French, would it just be called Henri?

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:49] Look, that's up to whoever decides to do it.

[1:20:51] Mobius, I guess.

[1:20:52] Oh, wow!

[1:20:54] Back from the grave!

Dan McCoy

[1:20:56] Yeah.

[1:20:57] So this is an interesting next letter that, uh, it's good because, uh, it'll, it'll, uh, be a counterpoint to some of the other religious, uh, uh, content of the...

[1:21:10] Uh-huh.

[1:21:10] Dan, we've already told you, we don't want to join.

[1:21:14] So this is from Julie, this is from Julie, last name withheld.

[1:21:19] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:19] Julie Christie.

[1:21:20] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:21] She writes, my son is turning 13 soon, and as a bribe to study his Torah portion, I have promised him he can watch Deadpool once he becomes a man.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:32] Wow, Mazel Tov, what every, what every, what every bar mitzvah boy dreams of, watching Deadpool.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:37] What?

[1:21:38] What are other coming-of-age movies you can recommend?

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:40] Wait, other coming-of-age movies?

Dan McCoy

[1:21:42] Yeah, the implication is that Deadpool is coming-of-age movies.

[1:21:45] What, uh, what, what are coming-of-age movies you can recommend?

[1:21:49] Let's put it that way, then.

[1:21:50] Okay.

[1:21:50] Bonus points if it's something he can watch with his mom.

[1:21:52] Extra bonus points if any nerd characters aren't coded as Jewish.

[1:21:57] Oh.

[1:21:59] I do.

[1:21:59] Yikes.

[1:22:00] So wait, it is confusing to me, because she does say other coming-of-age movies, so she may just be saying, what are some other movies that he can watch now that he has become a man?

[1:22:10] Mm-hmm.

[1:22:10] Or he could be asking, she could ask me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:12] Coming-of-age movies like Deadpool, so Deadpool 2 right off the bat.

[1:22:14] Or she could be asking for, like, Stand By Me.

[1:22:17] Wait, that's the, that's the subtitle?

[1:22:18] Yeah, Deadpool 2 right off the bat.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:21] So, Dan, you're going to recommend, like, Cheeky or some shit.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:23] No, no, I, I'm looking at this, uh, in this, at this question in such a different light now, because it's clear to me now that we're supposed to recommend things that may not have been appropriate for him as a child, but now that he is bar mitzvahed.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:38] I feel like, so like, my recommendation.

[1:22:40] Like Salo?

Dan McCoy

[1:22:40] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:43] Yeah, I don't know.

[1:22:44] That's an older movie, right?

[1:22:45] I mean, old movies can get a pass, right?

[1:22:47] That'd be like PG in Nowadays Climate.

[1:22:50] It would be what?

[1:22:51] It would be rated PG.

[1:22:52] PG.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:53] That's, there's some director who's like, you couldn't make Salo today.

[1:22:56] He's like, well, they could barely make it then.

[1:22:58] It's horrifying.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:59] I guess you could watch the movie that brought me into manhood.

[1:23:02] Just one of the guys.

[1:23:03] No, no.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:04] I feel like, maybe like a movie like Stand By Me probably might be more what she's looking for.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:09] Again, I'm not sure at this point whether it's actual coming of age films.

[1:23:13] When I was thinking of coming of age movies, the two that popped into my head were Edge of 17,

[1:23:20] recent teen dramas.

[1:23:22] Great.

[1:23:23] The teenagers act like teenagers and they have like real, real problems.

[1:23:29] And I was going to say Ginger Snaps, which is like my, one of my favorite horror coming of age stories

[1:23:34] about two sisters who are dealing with getting older and also becoming a werewolf.

[1:23:42] Ginger Snaps.

[1:23:42] The classic things.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:44] Do you think like eighth grade falls into that type of area or region?

Dan McCoy

[1:23:49] I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:51] Or what about like breaking away?

Dan McCoy

[1:23:53] I don't know.

[1:23:54] That's a blast from the past, huh?

[1:23:56] Breaking away?

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:57] Wait, is that the one about bicycles?

Dan McCoy

[1:24:00] The bicycle one.

[1:24:00] Is that the one that shot it?

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:02] That's the one in Indiana, right?

Dan McCoy

[1:24:04] Yeah.

[1:24:04] Cool.

[1:24:05] Anyway, that was breaking away talk.

[1:24:08] Hope we answered your question.

[1:24:09] Anyway, moving on.

[1:24:10] I feel like both of mine are.

[1:24:13] These works.

[1:24:14] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:15] I think I want this.

[1:24:16] All the best ones I can think of actually.

[1:24:19] Go on.

[1:24:20] I want this writer to write in with a better, with a clarification of what they're asking for.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:24] Yeah, perhaps.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:26] Unless they're just trying to get us to write a check for $18 to send to the bar mitzvah.

[1:24:30] Yeah.

[1:24:31] Nope.

[1:24:32] We're not going to fall for it.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:34] In conclusion, Ghost World.

[1:24:35] Moving on.

[1:24:36] Derek, last name withheld.

[1:24:38] Mm-hmm.

[1:24:39] Asked this.

[1:24:40] Yep.

[1:24:41] Hello, Dan.

[1:24:42] Parentheses.

[1:24:42] And Elliot and Stu.

[1:24:44] Just wanted to say that I started listening to your podcast this last year due to the credit

[1:24:47] of my office mate, Matt and I.

[1:24:50] Oh, sorry.

[1:24:50] Due to the credit of my office mate.

[1:24:52] There should be a period there.

[1:24:53] Matt and I heard.

[1:24:55] Wow.

[1:24:55] Thanks for writing in, too.

[1:24:56] Dan McCoy, letter corrector.

[1:24:57] Look, I, you know, if I'm going to read it, I need, I, you know, it's like a teleprompter.

[1:25:01] I'm going to read whatever's on there.

[1:25:05] Matt and I heard the, quote, interruption of Dan opening a package that ended up being

[1:25:10] a water pick at the suggestion of his dentist.

[1:25:13] I actually just got the same.

[1:25:14] It was riveting radio.

[1:25:17] I got the same recommendation from the dentist myself because I hate flossing and my gums

[1:25:22] could use it.

[1:25:23] So I was wondering if you could send me your impressions of it once you've gotten the hang

[1:25:26] of it a bit so I could convince my wife I need to get one, too.

[1:25:28] Thank you very much.

[1:25:29] Derek, last name withheld.

[1:25:30] First, I have to say, Derek, your wife seems far more.

[1:25:35] I'm concerned about your finances than your health right now.

[1:25:39] I don't know that you need to, like, convince her that your gum health is worth the money

[1:25:45] to get the water pick.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:47] So you're saying this is kind of a Joan Cusack and Adam's Family Values type situation where

[1:25:51] she's going to try to murder him for his millions.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:52] Yeah, I want you to look into this.

[1:25:55] Have you taken out any, you know, life insurance policies recently?

[1:25:58] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:59] Or tooth insurance.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:01] You know what?

[1:26:02] Here's the thing.

[1:26:03] So my...

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:06] The last time I went to Best Buy and bought teeth, they're like, do you want to get an insurance

[1:26:10] plan on this?

[1:26:11] I'm like, I don't know.

[1:26:12] Like, it feels like a scam.

[1:26:14] But what happens if my teeth just fall right out of my head?

[1:26:18] How much is it?

[1:26:19] And they're like, well, we don't cover accidental damage.

[1:26:21] And I'm like, but what other kinds of problems do my teeth have other than accidental damage?

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:26] So earlier in the...

[1:26:28] Really, they're just selling you peace of mind, Stuart.

[1:26:30] So earlier in the...

[1:26:31] Peace of mind.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:33] Earlier in the day, my ghoul friend saw that I was going to answer this question.

[1:26:38] And she's like, oh, I've got water pick thoughts.

[1:26:41] But then she had to shower and leave the apartment.

[1:26:43] So she texted me just now.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:45] Okay, so let's unpack that.

[1:26:47] Dan is bragging that he has a girlfriend who keeps clean.

[1:26:50] And he is telling us how he himself did not prepare anything for this letter.

[1:26:55] She texted me.

[1:26:55] He decided to subcontract it out to his ghoul friend.

[1:26:58] No, no.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:58] I didn't subcontract it.

[1:27:00] Unbidden, she has texted me water pick thoughts because she was upset that she did not get to

[1:27:05] express them earlier.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:06] It's also...

[1:27:07] What it tells me also is that he talks to his ghoul friend about the questions for the show

[1:27:11] and gives her much more time to think of an answer than us who were sent the questions a half hour before recording.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:16] Equal amount of time.

[1:27:19] So she says, it's good, but it's only better than regular flossing because it's easier to use properly.

[1:27:25] A lot of people don't floss right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:27] That's a big thing.

[1:27:27] That's a big thing, though.

[1:27:29] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:29] Why are you arguing with this text from her?

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:32] It's only better because it does the job easier.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:35] Okay.

[1:27:36] Well...

[1:27:36] That's a good answer.

[1:27:38] Okay.

[1:27:38] Continue.

[1:27:38] So if you're good at flossing, it's whatever.

[1:27:42] Electric toothbrushes, on the other hand, there's no way a human hand can replicate the speed of the electric toothbrush.

[1:27:48] So it's way better.

[1:27:49] All caps.

[1:27:50] Good dental hygiene is key.

[1:27:54] Especially because insurance hates covering it.

[1:27:56] And if you have shitty insurance, good fucking luck.

[1:27:59] So that's Her Dental Corner.

[1:28:02] Yeah, yeah.

[1:28:02] A subset of our normal...

[1:28:04] Dental Issue Corner.

[1:28:05] Our normal podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:07] Which I guess is a new regular segment of the Flophouse.

[1:28:11] Yeah.

[1:28:11] Next we'll be talking about how it's affected Dan's bad breath or good breath.

[1:28:16] Who knows?

[1:28:16] Yeah, maybe it's good breath.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:17] Yeah.

[1:28:17] I've got no idea.

[1:28:18] I can't spell myself.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:20] Yeah.

[1:28:21] As a vampire, dental hygiene is very important.

[1:28:25] I can't bite into a neck if my teeth are not sharp and strong.

[1:28:29] So I recommend being a vampire.

[1:28:32] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:33] Now that's what I call 100% Dracula.

[1:28:35] Yeah.

[1:28:35] Wow.

[1:28:36] 100%.

[1:28:37] Yeah.

[1:28:37] You got a perfect score.

[1:28:40] From the judges.

[1:28:42] From the Transylvanian Institute of Dracula Studies.

[1:28:44] Now we recommend movies that you should watch.

[1:28:48] Definitely instead of The None, I would say.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:52] You watch any movies lately, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:28:55] Yeah, I have.

[1:28:56] I'm looking over...

[1:28:58] Nothing in my letterbox has gotten more than three and a half stars recently, but...

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:02] Okay.

[1:29:03] So should one of the other ones of us...

[1:29:05] No, no, no.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:05] No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[1:29:08] No.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:08] No, I will...

[1:29:10] Because it is Shocktober, I will give a three and a half star recommendation to the Child's

[1:29:17] Play remake, which was...

[1:29:18] That's right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:18] Shocktober.

[1:29:19] The era of lowered expectations.

[1:29:22] Whoa.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:23] I mean, that kind of is how I enter most horror movies, even though I love them so much.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:28] I mean, that is true, is that I love horror movies, and yet every time I watch a new one,

[1:29:31] I'm like, well, this is probably going to suck.

[1:29:32] Or even an old one.

[1:29:34] And I don't mean suck as a pun on Dracula, who, of course, sucks blood.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:38] Yeah.

[1:29:38] I just got that.

[1:29:42] No, quickly, Child's Play remake is...

[1:29:45] It's fun because it actually shoots off in a different, equally wacky direction with

[1:29:51] the Chucky character, not being a possessed doll of the spirit of a serial killer.

[1:29:58] That is transformed by, I think, a voodoo ritual.

[1:30:01] I can't remember.

[1:30:02] Yeah.

[1:30:02] In this case, it is a malfunctioning doll that has, at one point, basically dominion over

[1:30:09] all other wired things around him.

[1:30:14] It does this internet thing.

[1:30:15] So, like John Belushi?

[1:30:17] I can see Stuart getting very upset about this, but it's done with such wackiness.

[1:30:22] There's basically a scene in the beginning of the movie like that Simpsons thing, where

[1:30:27] it's like, oh, here's your problem.

[1:30:28] The doll's set to evil.

[1:30:29] Like, there's a scene where he turns off the violence inhibitor at the factory, like a

[1:30:33] disgruntled worker.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:36] Does he still have the voice of Brad Dourif?

Dan McCoy

[1:30:38] No, it's Mark Hamill on this one.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:40] Okay, that's pretty good.

[1:30:41] That's pretty good.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:42] Anyway, it's very goofy.

[1:30:45] What if Brad Dourif played Luke Skywalker?

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:50] I think it would go a little something like this.

[1:30:52] Hey, I'm Brad Dourif.

[1:30:53] I'm here to play Luke Skywalker.

[1:30:55] Oh, thanks for coming, Brad.

[1:30:56] Here, pick up this lightsaber.

[1:30:57] What?

[1:30:58] Light what?

[1:30:59] What?

[1:31:00] Oh, yeah.

[1:31:00] It's one of these.

[1:31:01] It's a kooky, crazy weapon from a kind of outer space fantasy land.

[1:31:04] What?

[1:31:04] From like the future?

[1:31:05] No, actually from a long time ago.

[1:31:07] This doesn't make any sense.

[1:31:09] Well, show me my costume.

[1:31:11] It's basically like a karate gi and then you're wearing like legging pajama pants underneath

[1:31:15] it, like thermal underwear.

[1:31:16] What?

[1:31:17] So I'm living somewhere cold?

[1:31:19] That's why I need thermal leggings?

[1:31:20] No, you're actually on a desert planet.

[1:31:22] It's very hot there.

[1:31:22] What?

[1:31:24] This doesn't make any sense.

[1:31:25] I've got to talk to the director.

[1:31:26] Actually, I am the director.

[1:31:27] My name is George Lucas.

[1:31:29] What?

[1:31:29] Huh?

[1:31:30] What?

[1:31:31] The director of American Graffiti?

[1:31:32] What?

[1:31:33] You haven't directed a science fiction film before?

[1:31:35] I did actually.

[1:31:36] THX 1138.

[1:31:37] It was both a short and a feature film.

[1:31:39] What?

[1:31:40] You're telling me there's George Lucas movies I haven't seen?

[1:31:42] Well, maybe.

[1:31:42] I've only made like a couple movies.

[1:31:44] You could have seen them both, but maybe you're a busy man.

[1:31:46] I'm very busy making a little movie called Wise Blood.

[1:31:49] Good day, sir.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:50] Famously surprised actor Brad Durham.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:55] Nobody does surprised like Brad Durham.

[1:31:57] Yeah, that's actually, that's what happened when they had him play Grima Wormtongue is he

[1:32:01] got so surprised his eyebrows just flew off his forehead.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:05] Just to tie off my recommendation.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:07] And then Dune came along and he was like, I cannot blow off another science fiction blockbuster.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:12] That was a big mistake.

[1:32:14] Just quickly to sum up, Child's Play is goofy.

[1:32:18] It's got gorier kills than I expected out of a big budget reboot, if that's your thing.

[1:32:24] And Aubrey Plaza and Brian Tyree Henry are in it.

[1:32:28] And they're both good.

[1:32:29] They're also my thing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:30] Yeah, so that's it.

[1:32:33] Cool.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:34] Stu, you want to go or should I go?

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:36] Yeah, I guess I am going to recommend a movie that I may have mentioned on the show before.

[1:32:44] I'm going to recommend one of those Netflix original horror movies.

[1:32:49] This one is called The Velvet Buzzsaw or just Velvet Buzzsaw.

[1:32:54] It is a movie set in L.A.'s busy and crazy art scene.

[1:33:01] And it has to do with evil art that kills people.

[1:33:06] And it is incredibly silly.

[1:33:11] Jake Gyllenhaal and Tony Collette and a bunch of other folks give some really fun, wacky performances.

[1:33:18] It kind of feels like if somebody took a late period, late in the series, Final Destination movie or Wishmaster movie

[1:33:27] and just cast it with a really good, gave it a really good cast and had Dan Gilroy direct it.

[1:33:35] And it's really silly and there's any time a character dies, I'm like, oh yeah, this is a horror movie.

[1:33:43] Because before that I was like, oh, this is just a silly, weird movie.

[1:33:48] And yeah, I mean, it's one of those things where if you're looking for a serious horror movie,

[1:33:53] you know, serious with a capital frown, you probably won't be happy with it.

[1:33:59] Or if you're looking for like an actual like reasoned critique of the art world, you'll also be disappointed.

[1:34:07] But if you're looking for like a wacky time at the pictures, go over to your Netflix and queue up Velvet Buzzsaw.

[1:34:17] Renee Russo's in it too.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:20] Of course, she's married to the director.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:22] Wow, that makes it sound like that's the only reason that she was employed.

[1:34:25] No, and she's super talented, but like, you know.

[1:34:27] Let's just clarify, let's just clarify, I wanted to.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:30] I'm saying it's more, it's a show of how the director was able to land her for the movie.

[1:34:34] Yes.

Dan McCoy

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:35] Because he landed her, if you know what I mean.

[1:34:38] Weird, you're being weird.

[1:34:39] You're being.

[1:34:40] Is this, is it less weird if I say it like this?

[1:34:44] Well.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:45] Don't do that Brad Dour thing with your eyebrows anymore, please.

[1:34:49] What?

[1:34:50] That means you're either growing them very long or shearing them off.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:54] He's very much an eyebrow based actor.

[1:34:57] Okay, guys, I'm going to recommend a movie about the scariest thing of all, Colonial Oppression.

[1:35:02] That's right.

[1:35:03] It's Emetai.

[1:35:04] It's a Senegalese movie from 1971 directed by the father of Senegalese cinema, Ousmane Semben.

[1:35:11] And it's the story of a village in Senegal during World War II when the French were still the colonial occupiers of the country.

[1:35:20] And they are forcing the villages first to send them their men so that they're young men so that they can serve in the war and then to send them their rice harvest so that they can feed the soldiers.

[1:35:29] And this village decides that it's going to resist.

[1:35:32] The women of the village engage in a kind of silent, unified resistance while the men of the village spend all their time arguing about what they're going to do and how they're going to do it and whether it's right or not.

[1:35:43] And it's this combination of – it's a movie on a deliberate pace, but it's this combination of like this really beautiful like color photography of Senegal and also some real – a few very funny and a few very suspenseful scenes.

[1:36:00] But also like this is real Marxist filmmaking in a way that I'm not used to seeing in American movies where it is very much about the unified effort of a community, the way that individualism can distort or make impossible those efforts.

[1:36:14] But also really putting you in the place of an oppressed people in a colonial setting.

[1:36:20] And the only way that they can even try to escape, which inevitably is going to lead probably to tragedy, but is an attempt at least to stand up for themselves.

[1:36:31] And there's one –

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:31] Kind of like McCabe and Mrs. Miller.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:35] I mean McCabe and Mrs. Miller in some ways is kind of the opposite of it because that's about how two individuals can create a community.

[1:36:43] And this is much more about how a community unifies around something.

[1:36:48] And also how ladies get things done while men are jabbering on about what – maybe I'll do this.

[1:36:54] Maybe I'll do this.

[1:36:54] Who's going to be the leader?

[1:36:55] I don't know.

[1:36:56] But I thought it was really good and it's called Emetai.

[1:36:58] And there's one scene in it that I thought was really funny where it's during the time when Marshal Patan has been replaced by Charles de Gaulle as the official French leader.

[1:37:08] And this one Senegalese conscript is like, wait a minute.

[1:37:13] But Patan was seven-star general and de Gaulle is a two-star.

[1:37:17] Two-star can't tell what a seven-star would to do.

[1:37:19] This is crazy.

[1:37:20] Like just showing how crazy it is to be an empire in a way because this place that is so far away that the things that are happening in France are mostly irrelevant.

[1:37:31] It still has to deal with these issues and understand them when really they shouldn't have to be involved in them at all.

[1:37:37] Anyway, I'm making it sound more complicated than it is.

[1:37:39] It's called Emetai.

[1:37:40] I liked it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:41] Yay.

[1:37:43] Yay.

[1:37:44] And how does that movie fall into the – oh, I guess you explained how it fits into the Shocktober theme.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:49] Oh, the scariest thing of all, being oppressed by a colonial occupier.

[1:37:53] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:54] Because guys, look, a little doll that kills people or like –

[1:38:00] Or a painting.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:01] Art, a painting that kills people, it's not going to oppress an entire country, you know?

[1:38:06] No, you're right.

[1:38:08] You're right.

[1:38:08] To be honest, the body count in Emetai is probably higher than either of those movies.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:13] So it fits into my description of a horror movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:17] There's at least – there's multiple deaths in it, so it is a horror movie.

[1:38:19] Yeah, there you go.

[1:38:21] I mean, and there's a scene where one of the characters literally argues with his gods who argue back.

[1:38:26] So there's kind of like a mystical scene.

[1:38:27] So it's kind of like The Nun 2.

[1:38:29] Oh, wow.

[1:38:30] Like The Nun 2, the movie that's coming soon because the first one did so well.

[1:38:35] Nun 2, Emetai, in which Valak, the demon, is in Senegal as a French oppressor.

Dan McCoy

[1:38:42] So I have a question, Elliot, and it's about the errands that you're going to do after this podcast, part of the reason that we're trying to keep things short.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:52] So you're both bringing the audience in on something that is irrelevant to them and also taking longer on the podcast recording that I would like to finish up relatively soon to have an appointment I've done to.

Dan McCoy

[1:39:03] No, I mean, this is to close things off a little.

[1:39:08] When your wife asked you what kind of bed you wanted, did you go, Murphy?

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:16] So allow me to explain the context of this remark.

[1:39:20] In order to turn our living room into more of a guest room area, we are going to get a Murphy bed or perhaps a cabinet bed, a wall bed you could call it.

[1:39:30] And so we are going to a place, I won't say the name because they have not paid me to advertise them, and I don't know if I like their products yet.

[1:39:36] We are going to a place to look at and find out more about and try out different wall beds or cabinet beds.

[1:39:42] Or Murphy beds.

[1:39:42] Which are commonly called Murphy beds.

[1:39:44] And so that is why Dan, in his RoboCop-based joke, decided to say that that's how I said what kind of bed I wanted.

[1:39:51] Now again, this is all information that is irrelevant to the listener.

[1:39:54] It is prolonging the episode at a time when we should just be coming to a close.

[1:39:58] It is peeking into my private life and the way my home is laid out in a way that I'm not comfortable with the audience knowing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:04] I do kind of like how Dan's joke, I mean, we can call it a joke.

[1:40:10] It gets me charitable.

[1:40:11] It kind of reminds the listener that, like, the way that movies can affect our everyday life, you know?

Dan McCoy

[1:40:16] I just want to say, I'm pretty sure the listener loved what just happened.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:23] I mean, speaking for the listener, I think it was a combination of first confusion and then boredom, and then ultimately acceptance as they passed from this life into the nether realm.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:34] Wow.

[1:40:36] Well, let's close.

[1:40:37] So you're suggesting they laugh so hard, they, like the weasels in Who Framed Roger Rabbit, turned into little ghosts with harps and floated up the heaven.

[1:40:45] And what better way.

[1:40:47] Does that mean that those weasels went to heaven?

[1:40:50] Let's not.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:50] That's because the animated god, Walt Disney, is, of course, a forgiving god.

[1:40:55] Oh, okay.

[1:40:55] That's the mystery of his forgiveness and his faith.

[1:40:58] Yeah.

[1:40:59] In that all creatures of animation will ultimately be accepted into heaven, except for Horace Horsecaller.

[1:41:04] He knows what he did.

[1:41:05] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:41:06] Well, you're certainly not making this podcast be shorter now, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:10] You know what, actually, who would you put, if there was a, if there was a, you, Dan, this, you kicked this door open.

[1:41:15] Don't be unhappy when I march right through it following you.

[1:41:18] I was trying to tie things off at Ghost Weasels, which is a great way to end this October episode.

[1:41:24] Go on.

[1:41:24] When we're standing at a, when we're standing at a restaurant table about to sit down and not wait anymore, and you point to a restaurant three miles away and say, no, let's go there.

[1:41:32] Follow me.

[1:41:33] Don't be mad when I do follow you.

[1:41:35] And we have to get to that restaurant, and I have to rethink what I'm going to order.

[1:41:38] Okay.

[1:41:39] So, so just who, which animated characters do you think would be in hell?

[1:41:42] Cool cat for sure, right?

[1:41:43] Because that guy's a dick.

[1:41:45] But who else?

Dan McCoy

[1:41:46] Yeah.

[1:41:46] Fritz the cat too, obviously.

[1:41:48] We're going to stick on.

[1:41:48] Probably.

[1:41:49] A lot of cats.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:50] Cats.

[1:41:50] Snagglepuss, of course, because of the sins of the flesh.

[1:41:52] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:41:54] I mean, I think obviously Jabber Jar will go straight to heaven because he forewent his, you know, desire to murder and eat teenagers to instead just start a band with them.

[1:42:05] We don't know that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:06] Have you seen the Neptunes around lately?

[1:42:07] That's true.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:08] Yeah, I would imagine the, what is it?

[1:42:14] It's two young women who have to look after Captain Caveman, right?

Dan McCoy

[1:42:18] They're probably going to have him because of all their work dealing with their difficult Captain Caveman friend.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:22] Oh, they're going to have him, but you have to assume that Captain Caveman having been born at a time before Christ and not being able to accept him as his savior is going to be in that area of hell set aside for noble pagans.

[1:42:33] Because it doesn't get more noble than Captain Caveman.

[1:42:34] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:34] Dan, what did I tell you about preaching to me?

[1:42:37] Captain, I mean.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:39] Oh, wait, that was Elliot.

[1:42:41] Weird.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:41] Obviously, Count Ducula, though.

[1:42:43] I mean, as nice as he seems to be, has cursed, is damned for all eternity as a vampire.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:48] Oh, yeah.

[1:42:48] Well, here's the thing, though.

[1:42:49] Hot stuff, the little devil.

[1:42:51] I think he's going to heaven.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:52] Well, that's all October-y stuff, Shocktober-y stuff, so let's end there instead.

[1:42:59] For the podcast, I've been Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:03] You know, I've been Stuart Willington.

[1:43:04] I'd also like to plug our Network Maximum Fun, where you listen to this, and there's plenty of other great podcasts there.

[1:43:09] Some are Shocktober-ly, Shum or not.

[1:43:12] Shum or not.

[1:43:13] Shum or not.

[1:43:14] Yep, Gordon Shumway, a.k.a. Alf.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:15] And thanks to Jordan for editing the show.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:19] Jordan Cowling, you mean?

[1:43:20] Yes.

[1:43:21] Okay, and yeah, listen to Maximum Fun Podcast.

[1:43:23] Please tell people about the Flophouse Podcast.

[1:43:25] Write about us on Twitter or Instagram or Facebook or whatever.

[1:43:29] Review us on iTunes.

[1:43:30] Give us a good review.

[1:43:31] Give us a lot of good reviews.

[1:43:32] Yeah.

[1:43:32] The better reviews, the better.

[1:43:34] Yeah.

[1:43:35] And tell people about us.

[1:43:36] And thanks for listening.

[1:43:37] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:39] I've been Elliot Coyle.

[1:43:41] And I'm Stuart Willington.

[1:43:43] Bye-bye.

[1:43:45] That's actually going to confuse people who don't know our names.

[1:43:49] Yeah, it's okay.

[1:43:50] And we're out.

[1:43:51] And over.

[1:43:52] And over.

[1:44:02] Everything is coming up, Flophouse.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:05] Hey, hey, hey, E-Man.

[1:44:06] What's up?

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:08] Hey, S-Dude.

[1:44:08] Oh, you know, just living.

[1:44:10] S-Dude.

[1:44:11] J-K-Livin'.

[1:44:11] Lovin' and laughin'.

[1:44:12] Just livin', lovin' and laughin'.

[1:44:14] You know, if you ain't laughin', you ain't livin'.

[1:44:15] And if you ain't lovin', then you're not also livin', I guess.

Dan McCoy

[1:44:18] And if you love lemons, you'll laugh loudly.

S6

[1:44:23] Maximumfun.org.

[1:44:25] Comedy and culture.

[1:44:26] Artist owned.

[1:44:27] Audience supported.

Ep. #295 - The Nun

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