Ep. #294 - Love on a Leash

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode we discuss love on a leash.

Stuart Wellington

[0:03] This romantic comedy is for the dogs.

Elliott Kalan

[0:08] Ugh, ugh, ugh.

[0:12] Now I wish I had said this movie is a real catastrophe.

[0:15] Damn, okay.

[0:30] Hey everyone and welcome to the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[0:47] I'm Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[0:48] Oh, hey there.

[0:49] It's me, Stuart Wellington.

[0:50] And it's me, Elliot Kalin.

[0:52] Dan, you sound a little sick.

[0:53] What's got you down?

Dan McCoy

[0:55] What's got me down?

[0:56] Those are two different questions.

[0:58] But I mean, I guess what's got me down is the fact that I'm a little sick.

[1:01] Sorry, I didn't mean to throw you a curveball so early in the show.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04] I apologize.

[1:06] I talked to you the way I would talk to another human being

[1:08] when I instead of should have talked to you the way I talked to a robot.

[1:11] So, okay, run.exe diagnostic.

[1:14] Why you sick?

[1:16] You sick?

[1:17] Y slash N.

Dan McCoy

[1:18] Wait, why am I sick?

[1:19] Well, some sort of bacteria or virus.

[1:23] Okay, I apologize.

[1:24] Okay, again, sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26] Let me do this again.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27] He may be down, but his temperature is up.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31] Run.exe Dan diagnostic program.

[1:35] Sick.

[1:36] You sick?

[1:37] Y slash N?

[1:39] Question mark.

Dan McCoy

[1:40] Yeah, I'm sick.

[1:41] I, right before, I don't know if you guys have this experience.

[1:45] Like, I can feel myself getting sick.

[1:47] Like, right before the weekend, like, it just came upon me.

[1:50] I'm like, okay, well, this is happening.

Elliott Kalan

[1:51] Elvis could feel his temperature rising, yeah.

[1:54] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:55] So, yeah, it's been a slightly miserable weekend as I've been dealing with this.

[2:00] My throat hurts.

Stuart Wellington

[2:01] Yeah, then the, like, the camera movements and editing gets kind of jittery and fast,

[2:05] and you, like, rush into your bathroom and you're, like, knocking bottles of pills off of the sink and you're trying to hurriedly open up a package of emergency.

[2:15] I am not.

[2:15] You're like, there's still time.

Dan McCoy

[2:17] Yeah, that's right.

[2:18] I did try, like, all of the things that are supposed to shorten the length of a, you know, of a cold, like, zinc and some sort of, I don't know, crazy, like, bullshit that doesn't probably do anything.

[2:31] But none of it seems to be working.

Stuart Wellington

[2:33] I can only imagine months down the road when listeners have been listening to episodes and they're like, this was the start of Dan's 10-month sickness.

[2:45] It is true that once I...

Dan McCoy

[2:46] His friends made light of it.

[2:47] It is true that once I get a cough, it does not go away.

[2:50] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[2:51] So...

[2:51] It just adds to your pre-existing cough.

[2:54] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[2:55] Anyway.

[2:55] Like a Chris Claremont X-Men plotline, it just continues in very short bursts for years.

Dan McCoy

[3:01] I appreciate, despite the ribbing you gave me, I appreciate the concern over my health.

[3:06] Or perhaps you just wanted to explain it to the audience.

Elliott Kalan

[3:09] No, no, but I want you to feel better also because I care about you.

[3:11] Anyway, enough about Dan.

[3:12] Who cares about him?

[3:13] What do we do on this podcast, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[3:15] Now, this is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and we talk about it.

[3:18] We are still in the throes of September...

[3:21] Small Timber?

[3:22] What?

[3:23] Small Vember.

[3:23] Small Vember, yeah.

[3:24] You're thinking of the word Small Vember.

[3:25] Okay.

[3:26] Where we watch smaller movies that people may not have heard about.

[3:31] And in this case...

Stuart Wellington

[3:32] This is our opportunity as giants among the influencer industry to punch down at smaller movies.

[3:39] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[3:40] We're punching so far down we might as well just kick because we're going to lose our balance

[3:43] if we keep trying to punch that low.

[3:45] Uh-huh.

Dan McCoy

[3:46] We went back a little further than we usually do for normal non-contest winner episodes or

[3:52] guest episodes or anything like that.

[3:54] Because normally we do...

Elliott Kalan

[3:54] The year was 1927.

[3:56] And all of America had Lindy fever.

[3:59] Not that far.

[4:00] And this movie came out.

[4:00] Right, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[4:01] No.

[4:02] Eight years.

[4:03] It's a 2011 release.

Elliott Kalan

[4:06] The year was 2011 and all of America had Lindy fever.

[4:09] That's right.

[4:09] A man had flown across the Atlantic Ocean by himself.

[4:12] That man?

[4:14] Lindy Lindberg.

[4:15] Inventor of Lindberger cheese.

[4:18] Okay, well...

[4:19] Now, you might say, you mean Lindberger cheese.

[4:21] No, this is a different cheese.

[4:22] I would say that, yeah.

[4:23] Lindberger cheese.

[4:25] He took Lindberger cheese, carved his name into it, made it a new cheese.

[4:29] It's called Lindberger.

Stuart Wellington

[4:30] And that cheese inspired the catchphrase of one Steve Urkel, got any cheese?

[4:36] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[4:37] A lot of people don't know that that catchphrase is a reference to Lindberger cheese.

[4:41] It's like those Looney Tunes cartoons where they reference things that people don't remember anymore.

Stuart Wellington

[4:45] Yeah, they throw stuff in for the adults.

Elliott Kalan

[4:48] Yeah.

[4:48] Now, here's the thing about Steve Urkel.

[4:50] He had two catchphrases.

[4:51] When many Americans only have one catchphrase.

[4:54] I think Karl Marx would say, he had two catchphrases, did I do that, and got any cheese.

[4:59] Karl Marx would say, no one should have two catchphrases until everybody has one catchphrase.

[5:04] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[5:05] That's true.

[5:06] And then, the baby from Dinosaurs stole the show with also two catchphrases.

Dan McCoy

[5:10] Do we have catchphrases, guys?

[5:11] Do we have catchphrases?

Stuart Wellington

[5:13] Oh, Stuart certainly does.

[5:14] Yeah, I got like a million of them.

Elliott Kalan

[5:16] He's got a million.

[5:17] Rawr, uh-oh.

[5:19] Lots of, you know.

[5:19] Yeah.

[5:20] Wait, what?

[5:22] When he says-

Stuart Wellington

[5:22] There's also, I also do, did I do that, and got any cheese?

Elliott Kalan

[5:27] No, I think you're mistaking yourself with one Steve and Urkel.

[5:31] I can understand how you could make the mistake.

[5:33] You guys are almost total copies of each other.

[5:34] Yep.

[5:35] But, anyway, so the point is, this movie's a little older than we usually do.

[5:40] It comes from the year 2011.

[5:42] The 21st century.

[5:44] The future.

[5:45] Uh-huh.

[5:46] Uh-huh.

Stuart Wellington

[5:48] Okay, and it's on Amazon Prime, so why don't you run over there, cue that shit up, and start

[5:52] watching.

[5:54] So, love on a leash.

Elliott Kalan

[5:54] That's the amazing thing about this movie is, this movie is terrible.

[5:58] Let's just say that.

[5:59] But also, it is, anyone who has Amazon Prime can watch it whenever they want.

[6:02] Yeah.

[6:03] Whereas, there's so many greats of the cinema which are unavailable for streaming.

[6:06] I guess that's the future.

Stuart Wellington

[6:08] I think there's, what, like a subcommittee that's investigating Amazon's practices of, you

[6:15] know, like, Monopoly and other kinds of shit like that.

[6:18] And I'm assuming there's also a subheading where they're, like, providing unlimited access

[6:23] to Love on a Leash.

Elliott Kalan

[6:26] So, Stu, tell us about this movie, Love on a Leash.

[6:28] Sounds great.

[6:29] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[6:29] So, you fire this movie up.

[6:31] The poster, by the way, looks like a professional movie.

[6:34] It is not.

[6:35] We open with almost no production logos, right to business like I like it.

[6:41] Image of dog sitting on the rocks.

[6:43] This dog, a golden retriever.

[6:46] We then watch some additional footage of a dog walking around a park, shot with a handheld

[6:50] camera, not out of place in a serial killer video or the Nine Inch Nails Broken movie.

Elliott Kalan

[6:56] Now, when you say serial killer video, is that a video for serial killers to watch or a video

[7:01] made by a serial killer?

Stuart Wellington

[7:02] Well, I think the answer to that is both, Elliot, because a serial killer makes the video and

[7:06] then he watches it.

[7:07] He doesn't just make it and stick it in his fucking murder van like a maniac.

[7:11] Wait, he is a maniac.

[7:12] Okay.

[7:12] Oh.

[7:13] So, and when I say that there is no sound, there is literally no sound.

[7:18] Multiple points in this movie, there is no audio whatsoever, which I'm assuming the filmmaker

[7:24] uses a feature rather than a bug, so that occasionally he or she, it's a woman directing this movie.

[7:30] So she, it's a woman.

[7:31] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[7:31] This was actually, this was the feature film debut of director Fen Tian.

[7:35] She was 72 when she made it.

Dan McCoy

[7:37] And apparently this was her dream project for years and years and years.

[7:41] Her biggest credit in Hollywood was that she was a, she played auntie number one in the

[7:46] Joy Luck Club.

Elliott Kalan

[7:47] Yeah.

[7:47] But she was, she was a graduate of a number of Chinese arts and film academies.

[7:52] And this was the dream she had, love on a leash.

[7:54] So when you guys started the movie and there was no sound or music, did you, like me, think that

[7:59] your iPad or television had broken?

Dan McCoy

[8:01] Well, you, you warned me, Elliot.

[8:03] So I, I, but I was still amazed because when you said, when you said no sound, I didn't think

[8:08] you meant like no sound at all, like a void.

[8:12] Cause, and there's scenes where like, even once the sound starts, people will talk and

[8:18] there'll be sound for the talking and then the sound will drop out entirely.

Stuart Wellington

[8:21] And let me, yeah, like all ambient sound.

[8:24] And as I was saying, I think that's almost like a feature in this movie because it's

[8:28] like, like the filmmaker is assuming, oh, the audience is going to have lost interest

[8:33] and be looking at their phone and we'll have to look up when they think the, like there's

[8:37] something wrong with their TV all of a sudden.

Elliott Kalan

[8:39] Yeah.

[8:40] It's not since the last episode of the Sopranos was I so sure that a creative choice was something

[8:45] going wrong with my cable.

Dan McCoy

[8:47] I want to say, um, you know, I, a lot of people probably know this already if they're

[8:51] listening to a film podcast, but for those who don't, uh, a little filmmaking thing, uh,

[8:56] when you're making a movie, you take something called room tone, which is just the sound of

[9:01] the ambient noises around you, the sound of the room, like, and you use that, you just

[9:05] lay down a base of that.

Stuart Wellington

[9:07] Isn't that, you're tearing me apart, Lisa?

[9:09] Isn't that the sound of the room?

Dan McCoy

[9:10] Uh, anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[9:13] You, you laid out a base.

[9:14] Wasn't the, wasn't the room tones Tommy Wiseau's band?

[9:16] God damn it.

Dan McCoy

[9:17] You lay down a base of that audio and it helps sort of cover over these edits.

[9:22] It provides like an audio, uh, consistency.

Elliott Kalan

[9:26] And because we don't live in a soundless void.

[9:28] Yes.

[9:28] Even when there's nothing going on, we still hear things.

[9:31] So to, to see a dog walking around or as is used as a transitional shot, for some reason,

[9:36] ducks on a pond and have no sound whatsoever is a jarring experience.

Dan McCoy

[9:41] Yeah.

[9:42] Uh, to, to shift gears in such a dramatic way that they would grind and moan.

[9:47] I just want to say, uh, we have been trying to give some content warnings on these shows

[9:50] and I just recalled that I wanted to later on.

[9:53] There is an attempted rape and an attempted suicide, which, uh, seems very strange for what

[9:59] is ostensibly a lighthearted movie about a guy who is a dog half the time who finds love.

[10:05] But anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[10:06] Uh, Dan, Dan, the idea of being trapped in the form of a dog is horrifying and terrifying

[10:10] to me.

[10:11] Not lighthearted at all.

[10:12] The idea that you would make a lighthearted movie about a man who is sometimes a dog is

[10:17] crazy to me.

[10:18] If he, and if he was running for say DA, that would make it even more frightening that you're

[10:23] attempting to improve the world you live in by running for public office.

[10:26] And yet sometimes you are a dog, a shaggy dog, perhaps at that.

[10:30] The very idea of it is horrifying to me.

[10:32] And so just the thought that it would be a lighthearted movie is, is insane.

[10:36] Whoever would make that movie is an insane person and should be locked up.

Stuart Wellington

[10:39] Okay, guys.

[10:39] I think it's time that we try and cut through this Gordian knot of, uh, passions and heartbreak

[10:45] that make up the plot of this movie.

[10:47] So, as I mentioned, there is no sound.

[10:50] Suddenly, from out of, seemingly out of nowhere, a man's voice cuts through the void.

[10:56] Uh, and we hear a man's voice that we have to assume is the voice of the dog or just a

[11:02] strange voice speaking in our head.

[11:03] Uh, it's a man who is complaining about the lack of women around here.

[11:07] Uh, the lack of women in the park that the dog is running around.

Elliott Kalan

[11:11] Now, you, would you describe this, this voice, would you describe it as a pleasant, rational,

[11:17] nice person's voice that is funny and good to hear and enjoyable?

Stuart Wellington

[11:22] I would say it sounds like a off-brand Paul F. Tompkins doing, uh, like a jerk comedian

[11:28] impression.

Elliott Kalan

[11:29] It's like, doesn't, doesn't like a man try to pet the dog and he's like, hey, I'm not

[11:33] gay.

[11:33] Oh, oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

[11:35] Like, what is going on?

Stuart Wellington

[11:36] And there's a, there's a dawning horror among the, uh, there's a dawning horror in the viewer

[11:40] as you realize the dog is not interested in ladies or women that are dogs.

[11:46] Oh no, he is trying to find a female human.

Dan McCoy

[11:49] Yeah.

[11:50] I wanted to, I wanted to make a point of this too, Stuart, because at this point in the

[11:53] film, we are not aware that this is a man trapped in a dog's body.

[11:57] So we can only assume that this dog is horny for, uh, human females.

Elliott Kalan

[12:02] I mean, to be honest, real dogs are, let's just face it.

[12:06] Any human leg, they are all over.

[12:08] So, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[12:09] Yeah, yeah, it's, you're saying that, uh, yeah, whatever.

[12:13] Um, so, so.

Elliott Kalan

[12:15] Unless I am just so totally dog-like that dogs are drawn to my legs, because the experience

[12:21] I've had is that dogs see a human leg and they're like, yowza, awoooga, head turns into

[12:26] a steam whistle, opens mouth, tongue lolls out like a red carpet, rolls back up again, eyes

[12:30] turn into like, uh, you know, patriot missiles, they start hitting themselves in the head with

[12:34] a hammer, like that's what happens when dogs see human legs.

Stuart Wellington

[12:37] Yeah, yeah.

[12:37] Your legs turn into like, I don't know, like a ham dinner or like a turkey leg or like a

[12:43] nurse in a short skirt walking slowly, provocatively.

Dan McCoy

[12:46] Yeah.

[12:46] And also before we move on, sorry, the, the, the dog's talk, I want to describe it a little

[12:50] bit in that it is kind of the same sort of just random constant patter that you get in

[12:56] like a Popeye cartoon where Popeye is monologuing to himself.

Elliott Kalan

[13:00] Well, it feels like you are watching, someone watched America's Funniest Home Videos and they

[13:05] heard Bob Saget putting his voice into that of a dog on a video and they said, I think there's

[13:09] a movie in this.

[13:10] Mm-hmm.

[13:11] Let's shoot some footage of a dog and talk over it.

[13:13] And so, Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[13:14] I think you're overlooking the, the occasional bursts when a movie that features no music

[13:19] whatsoever, the dog occasionally has these stream of consciousness songs, not unlike one

[13:23] of Elliot's letter songs.

[13:25] So close that I would almost feel like Elliot has some kind of legal suit against the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[13:30] I certainly felt like my style was being bitten, say by a dog.

[13:34] Now, Stuart, uh, why, do we learn, do we get any hints as to why this dog or man is in

[13:39] that predicament?

Stuart Wellington

[13:40] Yeah, the, the dogs are, uh, through, through sprinkled clues, we come to understand that

[13:46] the, uh, that there is some kind of a consciousness trapped in this dog's body.

[13:49] A change had happened and that the dog wants to change back into a man.

[13:53] Uh, he blames his curse on a nearby pond, which is apparently magical and can talk to him

[14:00] and occasionally shoot out bursts of sparkles.

[14:03] Um, he asked the pond, uh, which, uh, gives the dog a magical quest that he must find a girl,

[14:09] which is convenient since that was his interest in the first place.

Dan McCoy

[14:12] And I gotta say, this is all, this, all of this information is sort of doled out so like

[14:17] quickly and vaguely that only because I have seen other movies in which a man is trapped

[14:26] inside a beast, say Beauty and the Beast, that I was able to understand the basic premise

[14:31] of the film.

Elliott Kalan

[14:32] I do appreciate the, the chutzpah it takes to have a magic pond appear in a movie as

[14:37] if that is a normal thing that happens a lot of the time.

[14:39] There's never even like, what?

[14:41] A talking pond?

[14:42] The pond just starts talking and you're like, hold on a second.

[14:44] I have to assume it's the pond that's saying this because that's what's on screen, but

[14:47] that's, nothing's prepared me for this.

[14:50] So, let's do it.

Stuart Wellington

[14:51] The, so we now watch the, this dog character walk around and, uh, try and find somebody.

[14:57] And, uh, we then cut to a scene in the park where we have two women who are sunning themselves.

[15:02] They are Paula, who is dressed in pink and Lisa, who is dressed in green.

[15:07] Uh, Paula is urging Lisa that she needs to date more.

[15:11] We learn that Lisa is a virgin.

[15:13] Paula says something, uh, she says something about like the world, like some places filled

[15:18] with freaks, geeks, and players or playas, which I feel is, uh, that was kind of a missed

[15:25] opportunity for a second season or a third season of freaks and geeks, right?

Elliott Kalan

[15:28] Yeah, freaks, geeks, and playas.

[15:30] Yeah, sure.

Stuart Wellington

[15:30] It's around here while, uh, so at this point, uh, the, uh, the dog has set his sights on Lisa.

[15:35] Uh, he, he thinks that there is an opportunity for him to find one of these, to take one of

[15:40] these women back to the pond and find a way to turn himself into a man.

Elliott Kalan

[15:45] Because he needs to find, he needs to convince a woman to love him in order to end the, end

[15:50] the spell.

Stuart Wellington

[15:51] And we learn, and we learn that Lisa has, uh, you know, some, uh, yeah, she's Christian.

[15:56] She has a deep faith.

[15:57] The dog says the line in his head, of course, uh, you don't need a God, which is great.

[16:04] Uh, because, I mean, God and dog are the same letters.

[16:08] Uh, think about it.

Dan McCoy

[16:10] But also, like, it's just thrown away in, like, one single line later in the movie, I believe,

[16:15] that he was turned into a dog because, as punishment for being a Lothario before that.

[16:21] Yep.

[16:21] But it's never clear, like, who is punishing him.

[16:25] Mm-hmm.

[16:25] You know, this pond is magical, but what entity is like, this guy was, uh, sleeping around

[16:31] too much.

[16:32] Clearly, this is, he must be turned into a dog.

Stuart Wellington

[16:34] Was it a powerful spell cast by Aslan Rex, Lich King of Ravenloft?

[16:40] Who knows?

[16:41] We'll find out.

Elliott Kalan

[16:41] We can only assume.

[16:42] We'll have to fill in that information.

[16:43] Sure.

[16:44] It's the Lich King of Ravenloft.

Stuart Wellington

[16:47] Uh, so, uh, the dog, uh, because at this point the dog doesn't have a name, uh, we'll just

[16:52] call him Dog.

[16:53] Dog gets dirty.

[16:55] Uh, he uses that as a way to trick Lisa into taking him home and giving him a bath.

[17:00] He then immediately runs away.

Dan McCoy

[17:02] Yeah, I don't think we're, I don't think we're quite giving, uh, enough of a picture of how

[17:08] disjointed this film is.

[17:10] Mm-hmm.

[17:10] Because, for instance, the dog meets Lisa.

[17:13] We're like a minute and a half into him.

[17:14] Yeah, the dog meets Lisa.

Elliott Kalan

[17:15] This is, uh, this is the point at which I kept, I was telling my mom about this movie,

[17:18] and she texted me last night, and she goes, at 1.5, no, she goes, she goes, I watched

[17:22] a minute of it, and I turned it off.

[17:24] Yeah.

[17:24] I think she got to this point.

Dan McCoy

[17:25] Yeah.

[17:26] But it's so disjointed that, like, the dog meets Lisa, the dog runs away from Lisa, the

[17:32] dog, like, gets dirty, meets Lisa again at, uh, like, a car wash.

[17:38] It's a gas station.

[17:38] Or a gas station, yeah.

[17:40] And Lisa's like, oh, you know, like, come home with me, and she washes him off.

[17:44] But, like, it was so, I wasn't immediately sure that it was the same woman, because it

[17:50] was such weird.

[17:51] Dude, she's still wearing green.

[17:53] Yeah, but it was so weird.

[17:54] But it was such...

Elliott Kalan

[17:54] And Dan was like, this movie obviously has a huge budget.

[17:57] Certainly they could afford another actress for this scene.

Dan McCoy

[17:59] No, but I'm trying to get the point across that it was such weird storytelling to me that

[18:03] she just, that she didn't just take the dog home after meeting him in the park.

[18:08] There had to be this, like, interlude where, like, the dog runs away and then meets her

[18:12] again at a second location, and then she takes the dog home.

Elliott Kalan

[18:16] So, Dan, this is how you know you're in the hands of a true artist, because the movie is

[18:19] making you ask questions about its intentions.

[18:21] Yeah.

[18:21] And the movie isn't taking the easy way out.

[18:24] Certainly, the easy way out would have been for her to just take the dog in the beginning.

[18:28] But you need to throw complications in the path of your characters, and then also complications

[18:32] in what the audience expects.

[18:34] Now, you might expect that the dog, since it needs Lisa to change back into a man, would

[18:39] be friendly to her.

[18:40] But instead, the dog continues to run away and belittle her in its mind in ways that are

[18:45] strange and bizarre, since it needs her far more than she needs it.

[18:49] But that's when you know you're in the hands, as I say, of a true artist.

Dan McCoy

[18:53] Yeah.

[18:54] Well, I have some theories about that, but I'll wait till later in the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[18:57] One of my theories is also that they didn't really have a great dog trainer, and they just

[19:01] have a lot of footage of that dog running away from things, and they had to write it into

[19:04] the movie.

Dan McCoy

[19:05] Oh, since you bring up the dog trainer, I was going to save this for later, but since you

[19:08] bring it up, I looked up the woman who plays Lisa's mom, who has not been introduced yet

[19:14] in this synopsis.

Elliott Kalan

[19:15] She's introduced around page eight of my notes.

Dan McCoy

[19:18] Yeah, sorry.

[19:19] But since you said dog trainer, she is actually a very accomplished animal trainer.

[19:26] She, for instance, she's worked on a lot of big movies.

[19:28] For instance, she was the head animal trainer on Doctor Strange.

[19:32] She has like 80 credits on the IMDb.

[19:33] What animals were in Doctor Strange?

[19:35] I don't recall.

[19:36] But like, she's...

[19:37] Like Benedict Cumberbatch?

[19:38] Mads Mikkelsen.

[19:39] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[19:40] Now imagine Mads Mikkelsen saying his line, and then a woman off screen giving him a treat.

[19:45] Or like, to get Mads Mikkelsen to look in the right direction for the CGI, they have to

[19:49] use a feather to kind of wave it in front of his head so he looks around.

Dan McCoy

[19:53] But I can only assume that they got her to do all the animal training for the movie by

[19:58] dangling an acting role in front of her.

[20:00] She's like, this is my chance.

Elliott Kalan

[20:01] Much as she would dangle a feather in front of Mads Mikkelsen's face.

[20:04] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[20:04] Anyway, proceed.

Elliott Kalan

[20:06] So, Stuart, where does Lisa work?

[20:09] I think we'll find that out next.

Stuart Wellington

[20:12] Excellent segue, guys.

[20:14] Lisa works at a, like a clothing store that's in a basement.

[20:20] We're introduced to her.

[20:22] Where are we at?

[20:22] We've already skipped over the fact that everything in Lisa's apartment's green instead of having...

[20:26] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[20:26] And the dog continues to mention, why is this house green?

[20:29] Why is everything green?

[20:30] And Lisa wears green all the time.

[20:32] Now, Lisa...

[20:32] But I wanted to get to when she's helping a farting woman in a too tight dress.

Stuart Wellington

[20:37] Okay, give me a second.

[20:38] I'm just taking a breather.

[20:39] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[20:42] Again, we're like three minutes into the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[20:43] Let me just skip over the notes about how instead of curtains in her apartment, she just has, like, a green sheet tacked over the windows.

[20:53] She decides to name the dog Prince.

[20:55] We are now going to refer to this dog as Prince.

[20:59] Prince and Lisa go shopping.

[21:01] Prince gets kicked by a guy who runs a clothing store, which is very harsh.

[21:07] And then we learn that, unlike normal dogs, and this is when Lisa learns that Prince is a little bit special,

[21:12] he can actually see color, as evidenced by his ability to see that her entire wardrobe and apartment is green.

[21:18] So he picks out clothes that might be better for her.

[21:20] A dog talent agent sees this and becomes very excited and gives Prince a business card that he takes with his mouth.

[21:29] Okay.

[21:30] Now, we are at Lisa's house.

[21:32] Oh, no.

Elliott Kalan

[21:33] So you've skipped over her co-worker, Kyle, who asked her out.

Stuart Wellington

[21:37] Yeah, Kyle, is he a co-worker or does he own the place?

[21:41] I can't tell.

Elliott Kalan

[21:41] All I know is he has a clipboard in his hand and he's talking to her.

[21:45] That's a symbol of authority in my opinion.

Dan McCoy

[21:46] Yeah, the flow chart or the org chart, rather, of who is who in this store is very confusing because Lisa's, like, awful manager berates her for how she handles a shopper.

Elliott Kalan

[22:01] There's a client who wants a too tight dress and Lisa says, that dress doesn't fit you, but she wants it.

[22:06] And the manager is like, oh, that's, of course it fits her.

[22:09] She's great.

[22:09] Why would you ruin this sale?

Stuart Wellington

[22:11] Yeah.

[22:11] I mean, that's a classic good cop, bad cop trick.

[22:14] In this case, Mort, the manager, is a good cop.

[22:18] And he slides in there with two dudes.

[22:19] Yeah.

[22:20] But the point of what I'm saying is...

Elliott Kalan

[22:21] A very bad man and a very bad manager, as we find out later.

Dan McCoy

[22:23] But the point of what I'm saying is that Kyle sort of, like, tells her afterwards, like, oh, I like your way better.

[22:29] And it's very confusing, as I said, as to who's in charge here.

[22:33] Because if Kyle is above the manager, if he's the owner, it seems like maybe he would have said, hey, don't treat her that way.

[22:40] But he just kind of, like, whispers it to her afterwards.

[22:43] Yeah, they're probably coworkers.

Stuart Wellington

[22:44] This is around the time Charlene mentioned, my wife Charlene mentioned, nobody combs their hair in this movie.

Dan McCoy

[22:50] Yeah, well, my girlfriend mentioned that Lisa, I would not have noticed this as a man, but Lisa has terrible hair extensions.

[22:58] Oh, okay.

[22:59] And they were very visible once they were pointed out to me.

Elliott Kalan

[23:02] Now, I have to assume that Kyle then, let's say he was researching stores for a paper that he's writing.

[23:09] Uh-huh, yep.

[23:10] Maybe for, like, Forbes or the Financial Times or something like that, or the Rand Institute.

[23:14] And that's what, he's just there researching.

[23:16] That makes sense.

Stuart Wellington

[23:17] So Lisa goes back to work.

[23:19] Her manager, Mort, tries the old spider trick where he says she's got a spider on her back, and then he places his hands all over her back.

Elliott Kalan

[23:26] Oh, we also, oh, Justin Amichons, when she names the dog Prince, we learn that the dog's name is Alvin Flang.

[23:32] And this is just something he occasionally says sometimes.

[23:35] But even when he comes, when he is a human later, he is still called Prince by Lisa, and he never says, no, actually, my name is Alvin Flang.

[23:43] It just doesn't come up.

Stuart Wellington

[23:46] Okay.

[23:48] So, as you can tell...

Elliott Kalan

[23:50] And Lisa is friend-zoning Kyle pretty hard after they go on a date.

Stuart Wellington

[23:54] Yeah, so I think our listeners can tell at this point that this movie is a little bit all over the place, if it sounds like Stuart and Elliot are fighting over the fucking driver's wheel of this podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[24:05] While I was watching this movie, I yearned for the craftsmanship and coherence of a talking cat, which is so well-made and well-structured compared to this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[24:17] So, an old friend, Rita, shows up to Lisa's house.

[24:23] Rita is also dressed in pink.

[24:25] I don't know what this represents.

[24:28] Rita is trying to set Lisa up on a date.

[24:32] She mentions that an amorous shopper at the store from earlier was actually part of a setup.

[24:40] What was that guy's name?

[24:42] Frank?

[24:42] Hank?

Elliott Kalan

[24:44] Honestly, in my notes, I just call him the guy and weird customer.

Stuart Wellington

[24:47] So, she decides, you know, she is conflicted because she likes Kyle and she also likes this other fellow, who I'll find the name in my notes later.

Dan McCoy

[24:56] She lies down on the couch and pulls out a headshot of each of them.

Stuart Wellington

[25:01] And she's like, whom do I date?

[25:04] I guess I'll date both.

Dan McCoy

[25:05] It's her Richard III moment.

Stuart Wellington

[25:10] So, we learn that Lisa sleeps in a heart-shaped bed.

[25:13] Very appropriate.

[25:14] There's a, I hesitate to use this word, but there's a getting ready montage, which is just sped up footage of her putting on clothes while the dog watches.

[25:25] Lisa is having trouble deciding.

[25:27] This is when Prince uses the term wambulance to great comedic effect.

[25:34] She then gets a phone call from her mom that is totally shot like an evil villain is calling her.

[25:39] It is totally like a kidnapper's shot.

Elliott Kalan

[25:42] She's sitting in pitch black darkness.

[25:45] Yep.

[25:45] With, I think, her back to the camera.

[25:47] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[25:48] Yeah, like I imagine she's like stroking.

[25:51] What's the cat from Inspector Gadget?

Dan McCoy

[25:55] Our theory while watching this was that they couldn't get that actress for that scene, so they shot her in silhouette and had to stand and do it.

Elliott Kalan

[26:03] Honestly, I think you're giving too much production credit to the movie.

[26:06] I think that they just thought it would look cool, maybe.

[26:08] I don't know.

[26:08] Or they just didn't have lights that day.

Stuart Wellington

[26:10] So the mom starts to, what we seem, we feel like the mother is about to chastise her for dating multiple men.

[26:18] But no, no, no.

[26:19] That's a misdirect because the mother says, no, you should date four or five men.

[26:23] And that seems like overly complicating Lisa's life.

[26:28] Around now is when Prince the dog bites both of the headshots and then makes some off-color comment about how one of the photos tastes Japanese.

[26:39] Because one of the actors, I think, is Japanese.

Elliott Kalan

[26:41] That dog has just been hired for Saturday Night Live.

[26:44] Continue.

Stuart Wellington

[26:44] Oh, I was right.

[26:45] It is Frank.

[26:46] So she goes on a date with Frank, who is the customer there in Frank's house.

[26:50] I can assume at first I thought it was some kind of a tea room.

Elliott Kalan

[26:53] Me too.

[26:53] I thought they were in a restaurant, but then I think it's just their house.

Stuart Wellington

[26:56] But based on the way that Frank's, they're having, they're on a date, I guess, with, and Frank brought along his mother, who is portrayed as an evil harridan.

[27:04] And she is specifying exactly how many slices of ham they can eat, which is kind of the clue that it wasn't a restaurant.

[27:10] Because you can't do that at a restaurant, right?

[27:12] You can't specify exactly how many ham slices you get.

[27:16] I don't know.

[27:17] I mean, if you're paying by the slice, I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[27:19] I mean, if you're at a deli, you can buy it by weight.

Dan McCoy

[27:21] I mean, if you want fewer slices, I assume you could specify that.

Elliott Kalan

[27:26] Yeah, you can't just go and go, hey, give me twice as much as you'd normally give me for this amount of money.

[27:30] I don't think you can do that.

Stuart Wellington

[27:31] One of my favorite stories my wife tells me when she was growing up is she clearly remembers going to Italian restaurants with her dad.

[27:39] And her dad telling the waiter when they sit down, hey, can you bring a meatball for the kid?

[27:43] And the waiter would just bring a meatball out before they'd even get their food.

[27:47] Which, I mean, I feel like all restaurants should just bring a meatball for me.

[27:52] Can I, like, wear a shirt that says that?

[27:55] Or maybe I'll note that in my reservation.

Elliott Kalan

[27:59] So we also learn...

[28:01] Please provide pre-meatball.

Dan McCoy

[28:03] I will expect a meatball at the table when I arrive.

Elliott Kalan

[28:07] So Frank says...

[28:08] Put it in a crystal goblet like a fancy feast.

Stuart Wellington

[28:14] Man, I don't know.

[28:15] Like, you know, growing up, we didn't have crystal goblets.

[28:18] And I would see that cat walking up to that thing to eat that fancy feast.

[28:21] And I'm like, how dare you?

[28:23] Lord, you're wealth over me, cat.

Elliott Kalan

[28:26] You know, Karl Marx would say that no one should eat their cat food out of a crystal goblet until everyone has cat food.

Stuart Wellington

[28:31] Uh-huh.

[28:31] Like, hey, look, you may eat out of a crystal goblet, but we both shit in a box full of sand.

[28:36] So get over yourself.

[28:38] So we learn from this mother that Frank...

Elliott Kalan

[28:43] I always forget, Stuart, that you were raised on a shit mummification commune cult.

[28:48] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[28:50] Yeah, the cult of the dung beetle.

[28:52] So we learn that Frank has a five-year-old.

[28:56] And obviously, this five-year-old's grandmother is very concerned that because Lisa is coming into their life and they have high aspirations for this child, that they expect him to become president of the United States.

[29:11] The movie doesn't clarify whether that happens, though it does cover a relatively large period of time, as we'll get to later.

[29:17] That's a little plot thread, I guess, for the sequel.

[29:20] But she does specify some weird stuff.

[29:24] She places the condition that if Lisa were to marry Frank, which is odd because this, once again, seems like a first date, that she would not be allowed to have any children of her own.

[29:35] And that because this mother is a still-working or a retired gynecologist, Lisa would have to have her tubes tied.

Elliott Kalan

[29:44] And this is Lisa's reaction to this, which should be like, what?

[29:48] She just has this look on her face like, okay, if that's the price I gotta pay, let me think about this.

[29:53] If that's really what it takes, like, I'm not sure it's worth it, but let me think about it.

[29:57] She's just absorbing all this information about how they've scientifically figured out how to raise this child and she can't have any children.

[30:03] She's gonna be the kid's stepmom.

[30:04] It's a very strange scene.

Stuart Wellington

[30:07] Shortly after this, Paula comes over to hang out with Lisa at Lisa's house.

[30:11] Prince comes up and bites Paula and then Prince gets thrown out of the house.

[30:16] He and he has to find a way to get back into Lisa's good graces.

[30:20] Once again, not really established why this needed to happen.

[30:24] Now, suitor number two, Kyle, comes over.

Elliott Kalan

[30:28] You know what, Stuart?

[30:28] You made me, I, this, this movie feels like they shot like a four episode or five episode miniseries and then condensed it down to a movie.

[30:35] And maybe that's what happened.

Stuart Wellington

[30:36] Uh-huh.

[30:37] Kind of like, uh, kind of like Widows.

[30:39] Uh, Widows was originally a miniseries.

[30:41] That was, uh, remade as a, repurposed as a, a long film that, you know.

[30:46] Oh, was it?

[30:46] I didn't realize that.

[30:47] Hmm.

Dan McCoy

[30:48] Um, yeah.

[30:48] Think about it.

Stuart Wellington

[30:49] It, uh, I, I feel like that the more you think about it, the more that kind of shows in the movie.

[30:53] But whatever.

Elliott Kalan

[30:54] No, I think you're right.

[30:55] I think, no, I think, I'd like to do it, but I think you're right.

[30:57] There's a lot of, uh, there's a lot of stuff going on in that movie.

[31:00] And that makes more sense.

[31:01] And I also, I still don't get how in that movie, a guy who's running for alderman shows up at the funeral of a famous bank robber.

[31:07] And it's like, I worked with your husband.

[31:09] I had a lot of respect for him.

[31:10] It's like, wait, you were, he's a famous thief.

[31:13] Uh-huh.

[31:13] But you worked with him and you knew him?

[31:14] I don't, it's a straight, it's, that was the one moment in the movie where I was like, wait, what's going on in this movie?

Stuart Wellington

[31:19] Uh-huh.

[31:19] It's like, was this originally meant to be set in a wild west town?

[31:25] Okay, uh, so Kyle comes over and, of course, at this point, he proposes to Lisa after she explains the bona fides of her art collection.

[31:35] Uh-huh.

[31:37] Yeah, there's like a prominently displayed painting and then Lisa explains who the artist is, what their work history is, and where you can find it for purchase.

Elliott Kalan

[31:46] It's on auction at Sotheby's, she says.

Stuart Wellington

[31:48] However, there's a little wrinkle here.

[31:51] Kyle proposes, however he explains, he explains that he is, he is a gay man and he would only be proposing to Lisa as a way to appease his family.

[32:01] And, of course, he would need a child.

Elliott Kalan

[32:04] He tells her, he's like, he really backs into it and buries the lead because he's like, and of course, if we were married, you could continue to date and be involved with whoever you wanted.

[32:13] And I do want to marry you, even though I find you physically unattractive.

[32:16] I do want to marry you.

[32:16] And she's like, what?

[32:17] And he's like, oh, I'm gay.

[32:19] That's what it is.

[32:19] Yeah.

[32:19] And my family's ashamed of me.

[32:20] And it was like, wow, this scene got so heavy.

Stuart Wellington

[32:23] That was a long way to just get across the road there, buddy.

Elliott Kalan

[32:26] I don't know why I had to go all the way around the block.

[32:29] I don't know why we were going in reverse down this highway.

Stuart Wellington

[32:31] And he tries to sweeten the deal by offering her luxury furs, which is an odd movie in a movie about a woman who falls in love with a dog.

[32:41] Lisa turns him down and Kyle leaves.

[32:46] He's like, please think about it.

[32:47] And he leaves.

[32:48] And this is when we get to a kind of difficult scene where out of nowhere, her manager Mort breaks into her home drunk and begins to assault her.

[32:58] He explains that he is in an unhappy marriage, that he is not sexually fulfilled by his wife, and it is not safe to see a hooker in his words, which I don't know.

[33:10] I don't think that line's ever worked.

Dan McCoy

[33:12] Now, during this assault, I mean, so Prince runs to the rescue, but his attitude is very strange.

[33:20] The voiceover is like, hey, get off her.

[33:23] She's mine.

[33:24] Yes.

[33:25] It's not, hey, get off her.

[33:28] You shouldn't rape Lisa.

[33:31] It's, hey, get off her.

[33:33] She's mine.

Stuart Wellington

[33:33] And then Mort, having been defeated by the dog, he runs off while shouting over his shoulder that Lisa is fired.

[33:42] I do not think that firing would hold up.

[33:45] And then Lisa breaks down and sobs on the couch while the dog does victory gloating.

Elliott Kalan

[33:52] Yeah.

[33:52] He sings a song about how he's the king of the castle.

[33:55] It's very, it's, so we've seen, I guess what I'm saying is this movie is kind of tone deaf emotionally.

[34:02] Yeah.

[34:03] Is a nice way of putting it.

Dan McCoy

[34:04] Well, here's a theory that I have.

[34:06] So, I think that once the guy, the dog turns into a guy, I think that his voice is different than the dog.

[34:14] It's very different.

Elliott Kalan

[34:15] There's no question that's the case.

[34:17] Dan, if you just think that, then you got to look a little closer because it's incredibly obvious.

[34:22] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[34:22] So, it is my theory that this movie was made.

Elliott Kalan

[34:25] It's almost like you're like, I'm going to hypothesize that the man and the dog are not the same because they look a little different.

[34:30] Yes, Dan, they're completely different.

Dan McCoy

[34:32] All right.

[34:32] So, all right.

[34:34] I'm taking my lumps.

[34:35] I'm taking my lumps.

[34:36] I feel like the movie was made and then they might have been like, hey, this doesn't make as much sense as it should.

[34:45] Like, there's huge swaths of no noise whatsoever.

[34:49] Maybe the dog should talk.

[34:51] And they also wanted to lighten the mood of the movie because the movie is weirdly dour for something that, again, is ostensibly a romantic comedy, I think.

[35:00] And so, they just got someone in after the fact to just improvise riffs over things who maybe doesn't understand what the movie is.

[35:10] Like, he's way meaner to Lisa as a dog than he is as a human being.

[35:16] Uh-huh.

Stuart Wellington

[35:16] Like, shortly after this, Lisa takes a bunch of Mentos-shaped sleeping pills.

[35:24] Oh, wait.

[35:24] Let me see.

[35:24] Wait.

Elliott Kalan

[35:24] Before we move on, Dan, I think that makes sense that maybe this movie was not originally meant to be a comedy.

[35:30] Yeah.

[35:31] I think it was probably – maybe it was meant to be a romance or a drama.

[35:34] And then they were like, no, no, no.

[35:35] We should add jokes to it.

[35:37] Let's bring someone in to ad lib all this stuff.

[35:41] And there's like – yeah, that would make a lot of sense.

[35:43] Dan, I think you might have cracked the code.

[35:45] Yeah, because –

[35:46] Let's make a movie about it.

[35:46] We'll call it Loving Love on a Leash.

Dan McCoy

[35:50] Because later on – I don't want to jump ahead too much, but later on, once he does become a man part of the time,

[35:56] like, the movie is a lot about sort of the struggles of being in a marriage and how much extra, like, tension is caused by the fact that she has to keep this secret

[36:06] and he's a man only half the time.

[36:08] And it seems very –

[36:10] Once again, a plot point that we haven't gotten to yet.

[36:12] Yeah, but it seems – I just want to, like –

[36:14] I think jumping around makes sense here because I just – I'm saying that it seems oddly serious,

[36:19] like the person behind it intended to make more of a kind of magical realism sort of story,

[36:27] and it just didn't work, so they tried something different at the last minute.

Elliott Kalan

[36:32] It was originally called 100 Years of Dogitude.

[36:34] Yeah.

[36:34] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[36:35] It was written by – I don't know.

[36:39] Salmon Bark D.

Elliott Kalan

[36:44] Salmon Rough D., let's say.

[36:45] Oh, wow.

[36:46] That was just sitting on the table.

[36:47] I didn't pick it up.

Stuart Wellington

[36:49] Oh, man.

Dan McCoy

[36:51] Oh, man.

[36:52] Now I'm taking my lumps.

Stuart Wellington

[36:53] So as I mentioned, Lisa takes a bunch of sleeping pills and she passes out on the floor.

[37:00] This is when Prince the dog says,

[37:02] if she's OD'd, I'm screwed,

[37:05] which once again brings up the fact that, like, he clearly – like, he's a huge asshole.

[37:10] Like, who's rooting for him?

Elliott Kalan

[37:11] I think that's the movie that, like, sums up the –

[37:12] that's the line that sums up the problem with the movie.

[37:14] If she OD's, I'm screwed.

[37:16] Like, it's so heartless.

Stuart Wellington

[37:19] So Lisa – so quick thinking Prince the dog,

[37:22] runs out into the street, lays down in front of a car.

[37:24] The car stops.

[37:25] Prince leads the driver in who finds Lisa.

[37:29] Lisa is rushed to a hospital,

[37:30] which is aptly named Garfield Medical Center.

[37:34] Mmm, Easter eggs all around.

[37:37] Prince then sings letter songs.

[37:40] Lisa gets out of the hospital.

[37:42] She runs home in the rain,

[37:44] suspiciously not wet.

[37:46] This is a very odd scene where she runs through a fake rainstorm

[37:50] and then goes into her apartment,

[37:52] completely unwetted by the water.

Elliott Kalan

[37:55] She also comes home pretty casually from her stay at the hospital

[37:57] after taking all those sleeping pills.

Stuart Wellington

[38:00] Yeah, she's looking around for Prince.

[38:01] She can't find him.

[38:03] She picks up an umbrella and then throws it away.

[38:08] And then she goes – yeah, she goes running out into the rain.

[38:11] She goes into a park.

[38:14] Okay, this is where the movie gets a little weird, guys.

[38:18] Because she runs into a park looking for Prince.

[38:21] Prince is there.

[38:22] She, what, expresses her love for him?

[38:24] Or he expresses his love for her?

Elliott Kalan

[38:26] She vows to have no men but him forever.

Stuart Wellington

[38:29] Mm-hmm.

[38:30] Which we then get some sparkle magic.

[38:33] And all of a sudden, Prince is no longer Prince.

[38:35] He is a naked, strange man standing in the water – or standing in the park.

Elliott Kalan

[38:41] He is a strange man, right?

[38:42] Like there's something very weird about him that I couldn't quite put my finger on.

Stuart Wellington

[38:46] For a man who was a dog half the time, his body is very hairless.

Dan McCoy

[38:50] I also think that part of it might be that he's wearing –

[38:52] That wasn't it.

[38:53] He's wearing a crazy wig that I think is meant to be reminiscent of the dog's fur.

[38:59] Mm-hmm.

[38:59] So that's part of it too, I think.

Stuart Wellington

[39:00] Ah, I didn't even think about that.

[39:02] Once again, Easter eggs all around.

[39:03] He says she – obviously, Lisa is terrified.

[39:09] She had previously been touching her dog and now there's a naked, strange man, albeit incredibly attractive, grabbing at her.

Elliott Kalan

[39:16] Imagine how weird that would be to be petting a dog and then suddenly be feeling naked human skin.

[39:20] That would be strange and crazy.

Stuart Wellington

[39:22] And he calms her down in a voice that is nothing like the dog's inner monologue.

[39:28] And he says, don't be afraid.

[39:30] It's me.

[39:31] It's really me, your dog.

[39:36] And she is swooning.

[39:39] She's terrified.

[39:40] She passes out.

[39:41] Somewhere in this process, he glosses over the whole story, which is, as we said, he was a man in a previous life, he says,

[39:50] a man who was cursed for his philandering and turned into a dog.

Dan McCoy

[39:53] Yes.

[39:54] But also, I mean, she's befuddled by what's happened, but she also thanks God for answering her prayers for a man.

Stuart Wellington

[40:01] Yeah, she, like, wakes up and he, like, proposes to her.

Elliott Kalan

[40:04] Yeah, she declares Prince her husband.

Stuart Wellington

[40:07] Then we get a little sequence where Prince explores – oh, and he still goes by the name Prince, which is odd.

Elliott Kalan

[40:14] Especially since earlier he was literally yelling, my name is Alvin Flang.

[40:18] I'm Alvin Flang.

Stuart Wellington

[40:20] So Prince explores his new human body, looks at his butt, and then we see –

Elliott Kalan

[40:24] It's so funny because that probably is one of the first things you would do, right, is check out your own privates to make sure that they look the same.

Stuart Wellington

[40:32] I mean, I do that every morning when I wake up.

[40:34] Yeah, just to make sure there's no tail there.

[40:36] Uh-huh, make sure I'm not a dog.

[40:39] We then were treated to, I don't know, one of the worst sex scenes in human history.

Dan McCoy

[40:44] Yeah, I want to talk about this.

[40:46] Now, so, like, Lisa is sort of, like, awkwardly giggling and kind of, like, rolling away from him a lot of the time.

[40:55] And I think the movie is trying to show you, like, her being sort of uncomfortable, or her being, like, experiencing sex for the first time because she was a virgin.

[41:07] I think that, like, the giggling and sort of, like, putting her hands over her face is supposed to be that.

[41:15] But it reads like she really doesn't want to have sex with this guy.

Elliott Kalan

[41:19] And at the same time, he seems kind of grossed out by her.

[41:23] Yeah, it's very unpleasant.

[41:25] Like, they really, say what you will about the other bad sex scene involving Elisa in the room.

[41:30] At least Tommy Wiseau looks like he's interested in some way, even though Elisa herself looks terrified.

Dan McCoy

[41:38] Yeah, and also, this guy was a dog a couple hours ago, and they have jumped into bed immediately.

[41:45] So that's also kind of strange.

Elliott Kalan

[41:46] Look, at any moment, he can turn back into a dog.

[41:49] It's like a conjugal visit in prison.

[41:52] You've got to take advantage of the time.

Stuart Wellington

[41:53] Well, and those fears are realized, Elliot, because the next morning she wakes up to find that a dog is in her bed.

[42:00] And then they immediately get over it.

[42:04] Prince runs over and talks to the magic pond, trying to find out what the deal is, because he thought he had fulfilled the conditions of his curse.

[42:10] No, no, no.

[42:12] The pond, I think the pond explains that, like, they're not 100% committed or something.

[42:16] Yeah.

[42:16] So he only gets to be a dog when the sun is down or shrouded by clouds.

Dan McCoy

[42:24] Yeah.

[42:24] The pond keeps really moving the goalposts, because the pond keeps giving, like, this guy kind of, like, love quests along the way before he has to...

[42:35] He's like, no, no, now you've got to do this.

[42:36] Now you've got to do this.

[42:37] Yeah, like a lone shark.

Elliott Kalan

[42:39] His princess is literally in another castle each time.

[42:42] Yeah.

[42:43] You've got to find a woman to love you.

[42:44] Oh, well, now you've got to learn true love.

[42:46] Oh, well, now you've got to understand that a marriage means sacrifice.

[42:49] And it's like, pond, are you making this up?

[42:51] Or are you learning this now?

[42:53] I think something that is just very strange is it really becomes, as the movie goes on, it becomes more and more clear how different Prince is as a man than as a dog.

[43:02] As a man, he's like, Lisa, I love you.

[43:05] You mean so much to me.

[43:06] I just want to be your husband.

[43:08] I want to take care of you.

[43:08] And as a dog, he's like, what's your problem?

[43:11] Get out of my face.

[43:12] Come on.

[43:13] Again with the green clothes again.

[43:18] Oh, boy.

[43:19] I'm a dog.

[43:20] I'm a dog.

[43:21] I'm a dog.

[43:22] I'm a dog.

[43:23] Like, it's, there's so, we talked about it before, but there's just, it keeps hitting you over the head how incredibly different they are.

Dan McCoy

[43:28] Yeah.

[43:28] And like, this is, I wonder, this is why I wonder whether the guy.

[43:32] We're about 30 minutes in the movie, by the way.

[43:34] This is why I wonder whether the guy even saw the film.

[43:37] Because another instance of that is like, the dog at the beginning, as we mentioned, like, makes an offensive joke about like, hey, I'm not gay.

[43:46] Like, when a man is touching him.

[43:47] And then her co-worker, you know, a gay man is presented relatively sympathetically and just as like a normal dude who needs some help.

[43:56] And it's like, who, like, like this guy didn't see the movie that he was doing his voiceover for.

[44:01] That's my point, I guess.

[44:03] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[44:04] Now when you say a normal dude who needs some help, you mean like some help with his family.

[44:07] A situation.

[44:08] Not some help not being gay.

[44:09] Yes.

[44:10] I, I'm sorry.

[44:11] I just want to make that clear.

[44:12] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[44:13] Yeah.

[44:14] So they, you know, they talk it through.

[44:17] They figure out that he is, they figure out the situation.

[44:20] Lisa is pretty much on board with dog fucking.

[44:24] She.

[44:24] Oh no.

[44:24] She's, hold on.

Elliott Kalan

[44:26] He's a man when they do it.

[44:27] This is just their new normal.

[44:29] Every, every relationship has its ups and downs and their downs are during the day when he's a dog and their ups are at night.

[44:35] And I think you know what I mean.

Stuart Wellington

[44:36] So we, like, we see, we see scenes.

Dan McCoy

[44:38] About their ups.

[44:39] We see scenes of their life.

[44:41] I think you know what's going up at night.

[44:43] Yeah.

[44:43] You're, you're making the same joke that my girlfriend actually made a few times during the movie, which is like, I only need him to be a man at night.

Stuart Wellington

[44:51] Yeah.

[44:52] Yeah.

[44:52] As the tagline Charlene proposed, he licks his ass at day and her ass at night.

Elliott Kalan

[45:00] Now why that would have been much clearer about the movie.

[45:03] But it's, I think it's a lot of women's dream to have a man at their beck and call.

[45:08] Literally, he, she can command him during the day to do things like sit, play dead, that all wives want their husbands to do.

Dan McCoy

[45:15] I think you're getting into a weird area here, Elliot, that I'm not going to support you on.

Stuart Wellington

[45:19] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[45:19] You've been, you got, you just signed on for that new What Women Want project, right?

Elliott Kalan

[45:24] Yeah, yeah.

[45:25] It's called What Women Want dot dot dot.

[45:27] They want dogs that become men at night.

[45:29] Yeah.

[45:29] Okay.

[45:29] It's a sequel reboot.

Stuart Wellington

[45:31] It's a legacy sequel.

[45:31] You know, who knows?

Elliott Kalan

[45:32] It still stars Mel Gibson and his own dog.

Stuart Wellington

[45:34] Oh, wow.

[45:35] A courageous choice.

[45:39] Okay, so we get to see some scenes of their like, their daily life.

[45:45] Lisa, I guess, has a new job or the same job.

[45:48] That isn't clear.

[45:49] She, she, we get a scene of her preparing like the saddest fucking breakfast for herself and, and Prince,

[45:57] where she like is scraping cream cheese from a little like takeout container thing.

[46:02] Like, it's so like, come on, dude.

[46:06] And then we, she has a good laugh when Prince, unlike every other dog in history,

[46:12] is uninterested in human food and only wants dog food.

[46:15] And she has a good laugh at that.

Elliott Kalan

[46:17] She's like, you want dog food.

[46:19] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

[46:21] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[46:22] And for, and then we, we get along.

[46:23] It's like a little manic, actually.

Elliott Kalan

[46:25] Yeah.

[46:25] It's kind of a weird who's afraid of Virginia Woolf type, type moment.

[46:28] Because it's like, oh, you want dog food, husband?

[46:32] Well, I'll feed you that.

[46:34] Or like, whatever happened to baby Jane when she serves her a rat for dinner?

[46:38] Well, I guess it's like something that's in the form of a question.

[46:40] Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf?

[46:42] Whatever happened to baby Jane?

[46:43] Who slew Auntie Rue?

[46:45] All that.

[46:45] It's Jeopardy style.

[46:46] Throw mama from a train?

[46:47] Who's killing the great chefs of Europe?

[46:49] Exactly.

[46:49] All of those.

[46:50] All dogs go to heaven?

[46:51] Question mark?

[46:52] No.

Stuart Wellington

[46:53] They purchase a, they purchase a collar and a leash.

[46:57] And then they pose for some photos that are like part, I would say they're like part wedding

[47:03] photos and also part like, once again, kind of serial killer-y photos.

[47:08] Like the sort of things you would find in like a basement level in a Resident Evil game.

Dan McCoy

[47:13] I mean, it's like, I mean, they're bondage play-y, I guess, because he's like wearing

[47:18] the leash, which I'm not shaming.

[47:21] That's wonderful.

[47:22] But like, because he is literally a dog half the time, she does seem to be very much playing

[47:27] into, like, it seems like maybe her fetish now is the fact that he is a dog.

Elliott Kalan

[47:32] Yeah.

[47:32] I mean, she's in a situation that as far as she knows, no woman has ever been in before.

[47:37] She is exploring the new boundaries on the erotic continent.

[47:40] And she really likes that.

Stuart Wellington

[47:42] Which is, I agree with you.

[47:45] And this does feel like a one-off situation where a man was initially cursed into a dog's

[47:50] body and then has somehow found a way to live half the time as a dog and a man.

[47:54] But later on, as a dog, he and a bunch of other dogs are, I think, like fighting over

[47:58] food.

[47:59] And we hear the inner voices of all these other dogs and they seem to be communicating.

[48:04] So like, is this a common thing?

[48:06] Is this, I mean, I guess it says something about the reality we live in.

Elliott Kalan

[48:10] I mean, that's, it's true.

[48:11] It's true that if all dogs were people in the form of dogs and we couldn't hear them talk,

[48:16] we'd have no idea and we just would never know.

[48:19] Pray.

[48:20] Pray that you don't learn the other half of that scenario.

[48:22] That you don't end up as a dog.

[48:25] For the Flophouse, I'm the Crypt Keeper.

[48:27] Oh, wow.

[48:29] You sound never crypty.

Stuart Wellington

[48:30] Yeah, you've toned down your thing.

Elliott Kalan

[48:33] I'm the new Crypt Keeper.

[48:35] They fired the old guy because of the puns.

[48:37] Now my whole thing is sleight of hand magic.

[48:40] Close up.

[48:41] Dan, pick a card, would you?

[48:43] A tarot card.

Dan McCoy

[48:45] I mean, I can't through the Skype connection, but...

Elliott Kalan

[48:49] Once again, Dan, you have refused to yes and a scenario.

[48:54] I, the Crypt Keeper, had no way of knowing that you are a logical robot, but Elliot, if he were here, should have known that, and he apologizes.

Stuart Wellington

[49:04] All right.

[49:05] So we then go, so despite all their newlywed bliss, there's a rocky road ahead because we have a scene in the park where they're having a picnic, and Lisa has gotten all the things that he loves.

[49:22] What, like chopped liver, et cetera, et cetera.

[49:24] Yeah.

[49:25] But there's something that's like kind of stuck in Prince's craw.

[49:29] This is performed...

Elliott Kalan

[49:30] She wants him to eat this food, but there's something eating at him.

Stuart Wellington

[49:33] Yeah, and this is performed admirably by this dog actor who is just sitting on a blanket in the park while Lisa talks to him and has a one-sided fight with him.

[49:42] Please communicate with me.

[49:44] And this dog just stares off into the void.

[49:47] Smiling, by the way.

[49:47] I want to be a fly on the wall in this scene.

Elliott Kalan

[49:50] It is so strange.

[49:52] All I could imagine was people walking by and seeing a woman yelling at a dog in the park as if they were in a relationship and being like, what is going on here?

[49:59] Because it's shot from like far away pretty much too, right?

Stuart Wellington

[50:02] Yeah, and you know, the dog may be smiling, but his eyes aren't.

[50:05] He is certainly not smiling.

Elliott Kalan

[50:07] Oh, so you're saying it's one of those situations where he's like, hey, hey, hey, well, let's get home.

[50:10] We'll talk about it there, honey.

[50:12] And she's like, we'll talk about it right here.

Stuart Wellington

[50:13] Mm-hmm.

[50:16] But so we learn that he feels that he should be able to provide for her if he is the man in this relationship.

[50:25] And this is a challenging thing because as we've said before, he is only a man at night.

[50:30] And there's a limited amount of professions in what?

[50:33] Los Angeles?

[50:34] Where is this?

[50:35] Los Angeles?

Elliott Kalan

[50:36] I think it's Los Angeles.

[50:37] But Stuart, you as everyone know, you would know better than anyone, nobody works at night.

[50:41] There are no jobs at night.

[50:42] There are no nighttime jobs.

Stuart Wellington

[50:43] Yep.

[50:44] I'm coming off like three hours of sleep because I worked a nighttime job.

[50:48] So he gets a job at a, remember the dog talent agent who showed up earlier?

[50:54] Well, he comes back.

[50:56] And weirdly enough, we have another returning character.

[50:58] The dog talent agent is working with the farting woman from the dress store.

Elliott Kalan

[51:04] Because there are no loose ends in this movie.

[51:06] That's craftsmanship.

[51:08] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[51:08] And she needs a dog actor for a commercial she's doing.

[51:13] And I got a little lost in the exact series of how this all played out.

[51:17] But I think he made a phone call or left a phone message.

Elliott Kalan

[51:20] He left a phone message and said, well, first he gets there too late.

[51:25] They've already left for the day.

[51:26] And so he sits in a hot parking lot.

[51:28] And we get the immortal line from the guy who's throwing lines into the dog's mouth.

[51:32] Ah, my ass.

[51:33] Because the parking lot, I assume, is too hot for me in the sun.

[51:36] And then he called, as a human that night, he calls the dog agent and arranges a daytime meeting.

Stuart Wellington

[51:41] And the dog agent has a, he has a, like a bubble letter sign on his front door that just says,

[51:48] Dog Talent Agent.

[51:49] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[51:50] But also, but also.

[51:52] Not since the joke leaves Comedy Basement.

[51:55] Has there been a more apt name on a building?

Dan McCoy

[51:58] But also the message he leaves is like, hey, remember that dog you're looking for?

[52:03] He'll be outside your building at like this hour or whatever.

[52:07] And like, so the dog is just showing up on Chaperone.

[52:10] And I really wonder how the dog is getting paid.

[52:12] Whether they're just handing.

[52:13] Well, they explain it.

[52:14] They explain it, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[52:15] They hand cash to the dog.

[52:17] He says, pay him in cash.

[52:18] Give it to the dog.

[52:19] Now, here's the thing.

[52:20] The client and the agent go into his office.

[52:23] The dog is already there.

[52:24] Prince is already there sitting at the desk.

[52:26] A master of breaking and entering sneakily.

[52:29] And they're like, we got to prove that he can do this.

[52:32] Pick up the red phone.

[52:34] And then Prince picks up the red phone.

[52:35] Now pick up the indigo phone.

[52:38] And he picks up the indigo phone.

[52:40] And they're like, he did it.

[52:41] He's the most brilliant dog in the history of dogs.

Stuart Wellington

[52:44] Yeah, it's pretty incredible.

[52:45] So he gets this commercial gig.

[52:48] They also treat him like he's already famous.

Elliott Kalan

[52:50] They are so deferential to this dog sitting at a desk.

[52:54] And I think it's hilarious.

[52:56] They're like, oh, sir, you're here already.

[52:57] Well, if we could talk to you about the commercial.

[52:59] It's just really funny.

Stuart Wellington

[53:02] So he gets this gig, obviously, because he's an amazing dog actor.

[53:06] And then he shows up with presents for Lisa later on as he's a man.

[53:14] And when she asks him about it, he says, don't ask how I get money, which is like, that's the shadiest way to say that, sir.

[53:23] And then Paula's car breaks down and she needs a shower.

Elliott Kalan

[53:27] Oh, wait, before that, before that, we do see what Lisa finds out about Prince's job.

[53:31] How does she find out about it?

Stuart Wellington

[53:34] Yeah, so she's watching TV.

[53:38] And Prince realizes that one of the commercials that he's in is on there.

[53:42] So he tries to turn off the TV.

[53:43] She watches it.

[53:45] And in fact, she realizes, oh, my God, you're a commercial dog actor.

Elliott Kalan

[53:50] And the commercial involves Prince fighting and then befriending a ninja.

[53:55] Yeah.

[53:56] And he doesn't show what the product is.

[53:58] I'll tell you that.

Stuart Wellington

[53:59] Well, yeah, like he had shown up with like an injury as a dog.

[54:03] And she's like, what's going on?

[54:04] And he's like, don't ask me about my money, you know.

[54:08] I'm doing it for my family like every guy on a reality competition show ever.

[54:14] So, yeah, I think at this point, and I think they gloss over it.

[54:18] She's like, oh, okay, well, you got a job.

[54:19] That's great.

Elliott Kalan

[54:20] She's like, you're a famous dog who teams up with a ninja on TV.

[54:25] That's my life now.

[54:26] Okay, it's a living.

Stuart Wellington

[54:26] You would think at this point she would then help support him.

[54:30] I would think it would make life much easier if she's like, okay, well, I'll manage you.

[54:34] Like, why don't?

[54:35] But I guess that would infringe on his sense of self and worth.

Elliott Kalan

[54:40] Well, part of a marriage is having separate spheres so you can have your own thing.

Stuart Wellington

[54:45] Yeah, I mean, it would be very strange if a husband and wife were to work together or own a business together.

Elliott Kalan

[54:50] I think it would be crazy.

[54:52] You're asking for disaster at that point.

[54:53] Cruising for a bruising, if you will.

Stuart Wellington

[54:55] Yep.

[54:56] And oh, have I been bruised.

[54:58] So you're saying Paula comes over.

[55:00] Paula comes over.

[55:01] Her car is broken down.

[55:03] This is at nighttime.

[55:04] So, of course, Prince is a human man.

[55:07] Lisa is terrified and hides a naked prince in a small wardrobe or a temporary wardrobe.

[55:16] Paula needs to take a shower, of course.

[55:18] She is immediately suspicious of Lisa's behavior because Lisa is behaving very suspiciously.

Dan McCoy

[55:24] Oh, by the way, this is the shower thing.

[55:26] Like, she barges into the house and, like, immediately goes to the bathroom and Lisa's like, what are you doing?

[55:30] I'm like, I'm going to take a shower as if it's the most normal thing to do to go to a friend's house, walk in without telling them they're going to take a shower and just start showering.

[55:38] Please continue.

Elliott Kalan

[55:40] Well, she watches a lot of Cinemax.

Stuart Wellington

[55:42] Yeah, I guess your car has never broken down before.

[55:46] Okay.

[55:46] That's hot work.

[55:48] Okay.

[55:49] So she, Paula finds Prince, of course, because they're acting crazy.

[55:56] She is obviously frightened because Prince, it looks like a monster man.

[56:02] They, but a very, you know, cut and beautiful monster man.

[56:06] A very gentle monster man.

[56:08] Paula does not take this well at all.

[56:09] Despite her earlier urgings for Lisa to find a man, she is horrified that Lisa would hide this from her.

[56:16] And it's a very strange, like, it's that sort of thing where you're like, why is this character angry?

Dan McCoy

[56:21] Yeah.

[56:22] She seems so intent on Lisa getting some earlier on.

[56:25] And now she's like, this is the friendship ending argument that they have.

Elliott Kalan

[56:29] She's like, you're a hypocrite.

[56:31] I thought you were this big virgin, but now you're not.

[56:34] But you actually have a man.

[56:35] You lied to me.

[56:36] I'm out of here.

Stuart Wellington

[56:37] I mean, it says a lot about how sometimes in our friendships and relationships, you can kind of pigeonhole your friends into just one thing.

[56:44] And like, everybody has like rich inner lives, right?

[56:47] We're not just like one character.

Elliott Kalan

[56:49] No, not at all.

[56:50] So I was like, unless you're Dan.

[56:52] But anyway, so.

[56:52] What?

[56:53] I would say that much like Watergate, it wasn't the crime, but the cover up.

[56:59] Oh, okay.

[56:59] That made Paula mad.

[57:00] And since she hides him in a shower that zips up.

[57:04] Yeah, I feel like it's like a temporary thing.

[57:07] If you have a opaque shower curtain, I would call that a water gate.

[57:11] Oh.

[57:11] Oh, okay.

[57:12] A gate to get to the water of the shower.

[57:13] Oh, let me.

[57:14] This is all layers upon layers.

[57:16] Well, I guess the podcast is over forever now.

Stuart Wellington

[57:19] Yeah.

[57:20] Elliot's joke works.

[57:21] Okay, cool.

[57:22] Yeah, do the math, please.

[57:24] Technically a joke.

[57:25] Okay.

[57:28] So now that Paula's out of her life, Rita has no option.

[57:33] Rita.

[57:33] Lisa has no option but to have a fun day with her other friend, Rita.

Elliott Kalan

[57:37] I feel like Rita is like, now I get to move up a slot to best friend.

[57:41] Uh-huh.

Stuart Wellington

[57:42] And Rita, who had seemed somewhat innocuous at first, starts to show her true colors.

[57:47] She is...

[57:49] Rita is very aggressively trying to get Lisa to go to places with her.

[57:57] And at this point, I'm like, is Rita also trying to magically transform into something?

[58:04] She takes Lisa to what looks like a restaurant with a dance floor where Lisa's mother is.

[58:11] So Rita and Lisa's mother are already at this restaurant and they're encouraging Lisa to dance with a collection of different men who begin to fight over dancing with Lisa.

[58:21] Lisa is put off and it is revealed that Lisa's mother and Rita have been paying these men to dance with her.

[58:27] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[58:29] Which...

[58:30] They're very bad at their job.

[58:31] Like, it seems like they would just take turns rather than fighting over her.

[58:35] Yeah, I mean, if it's a job, why would you...

Stuart Wellington

[58:38] I mean, are they being paid by the step of the dance?

Dan McCoy

[58:41] I assume they're being paid per dance.

[58:43] Yeah.

[58:43] Here's something that I want to say at this point.

[58:45] So this movie is obsessed with Lisa getting married or paired off.

[58:51] Like, all of the characters propose to her almost immediately.

[58:55] She is seeking a man.

[58:57] When she finally does get married, it is right away.

[58:59] And her mother is obsessed with this as well.

[59:02] Uh-huh.

[59:03] And...

Stuart Wellington

[59:04] Yeah, her mother says the only thing that would make her happy is for Lisa to find a man in something.

Dan McCoy

[59:09] Yeah, and I'm going to reveal another piece of the puzzle in Dan's girlfriend.

[59:14] So my girlfriend is...

Elliott Kalan

[59:15] Wait, why are you hiding pieces of puzzles in your girlfriend?

[59:19] Like...

[59:19] Oh, good.

Dan McCoy

[59:20] She swallows them?

[59:21] Very gross.

[59:22] Anyway...

[59:23] I haven't seen Ready or Not yet.

[59:25] Don't spoil anything.

[59:26] So my girlfriend is Asian, and when she found out that the person who made this was an elderly Chinese immigrant,

[59:35] she's like, oh, this makes so much more sense.

[59:37] Because, like, she's like, okay, this is, like, a cultural thing where it would be more important to, you know,

[59:44] marry off a daughter in the way that this film wants her to be married off.

[59:49] But it's baffling in, like, sort of modern American context.

[59:54] Like, it makes far less sense to be like, oh, like, why does everyone give a shit so much?

Stuart Wellington

[59:59] Yeah, based on our reactions.

[1:00:01] Yeah.

[1:00:02] So she, Lisa at this point, lets the other shoe drop, and she reveals, she has found a man.

[1:00:10] Mom, you don't have to worry about me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:12] She says, I got a man.

[1:00:13] And your mom says, and her mom says, what's your man got to do with me?

[1:00:16] And they go on like that.

[1:00:17] They keep doing that for a long time.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:19] Her mother's like, oh, amazing.

[1:00:21] I need to meet this man.

[1:00:23] And Lisa's like, of course, we can have dinner tomorrow.

[1:00:25] And her mom's like, no, no, no.

[1:00:27] I have a plane booked in the afternoon.

[1:00:30] That's strange.

[1:00:32] I have a plane booked in the afternoon.

[1:00:34] Let's meet in the morning.

[1:00:36] Lisa's like, oh, that's, I can't do that, obviously, because Prince at this point would be a dog.

[1:00:41] Let me state the rules.

[1:00:43] But then Rita's like, oh, no, we can change that booking.

[1:00:46] Because I guess Rita's also her mother's travel agent.

[1:00:50] Yeah.

[1:00:50] It's a needless complication of the plot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:53] She's kind of a jack of all trades.

[1:00:54] You kind of get the feeling that the mom is not the best at taking care of herself.

[1:00:58] She gives a speech to Lisa about how, like, I know I have a history of bad men.

[1:01:02] And that's influenced you to be afraid of other men.

[1:01:05] And things like that.

[1:01:05] She, you know, this mother is carrying a lot of backstory baggage.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:09] Uh-huh.

[1:01:10] And so, but they agree to this dinner.

[1:01:13] And we, the dinner's held at a restaurant.

[1:01:16] It's shot.

[1:01:17] There's a lot of awkward scenes of people slowly eating their food.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:20] There's a lot of synchronized fork movements as all four of the people at the table take a bite at the exact same time in between lines of dialogue.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:27] The, uh, Rita and Lisa's mother are very aggressively pushing, uh, for information.

[1:01:32] Like, what does he, what does Prince do for money?

[1:01:35] Uh, and of course they have to, they come up with a, uh, lie that they say at the exact same time and they both mess up.

[1:01:42] Uh, Lisa and Rita's mother are, Lisa's mother and Rita are trying to push for them to get married tomorrow, uh, at the license bureau.

[1:01:53] I don't know.

[1:01:54] This is, I felt like this scene was, uh, you know, kind of the center point of the movie.

[1:01:58] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:59] Oh yeah, it was an intricate play of words and, uh, character moments.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:03] And, and there's a, there's a feeling of like, if, if they aren't able to show up and get married at the courthouse tomorrow at 10 a.m.

[1:02:13] that there's something clearly suspicious about, uh, about Prince, a man they just met.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:19] Uh, the problem though is Prince doesn't have an ID.

[1:02:22] He is undocumented, or should I say undog-umented?

[1:02:26] You shouldn't say that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:27] Uh, I do love the idea that, uh, I do love, there is the scene where, uh, where Prince and Lisa are in the car talking about their options.

[1:02:36] And Prince is like, oh, well we could just elope or we go to Vegas.

[1:02:40] And she's like, Prince, you don't have an ID.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:46] Oh, that was great.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:47] Um, yeah, so obviously this is the, uh, I, I like that they're exploring some of the challenges that this, uh, fantastical situation sets up.

[1:02:55] Oh yeah, they've thought it all out.

[1:02:57] So now, so now, uh, Rita shows up.

[1:03:01] So, you know, they, they, they turn them down and Rita shows up to the house.

[1:03:06] Uh, and she, she has this like, she shows up to Lisa's house with a strange story.

[1:03:12] It's like in the morning and she's like, there's trouble with my car.

[1:03:16] Or like I got lost and I got dizzy and I need somebody to drive somebody to the airport.

[1:03:24] It's, and, and, uh, it's the most obviously made up fake story that I've ever heard.

[1:03:31] And Lisa is, is like, okay, well I guess the only option is for me to drive your car.

[1:03:36] Rita, you stay here.

[1:03:38] And Prince, I don't know, uh, stay here too.

[1:03:42] But like the clock's ticking.

[1:03:44] He's about to turn into a dog any moment now.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:46] Which means this is like pre-dawn.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:48] Yeah.

[1:03:49] Yeah, exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:50] Uh, so.

[1:03:51] This is, this is after, this is after he failed to show up to get married.

[1:03:53] And then as a dog wandered off saying Kung Pao over and over again.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:58] Uh, yeah.

[1:03:59] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:00] Which fits into Dan's theory that they just hired someone who had not seen the movie to

[1:04:04] just speak over the dog footage.

[1:04:06] But okay, so she's going to leave and Rita's there with Prince.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:09] So Prince, like Prince is nervous.

[1:04:12] Rita, uh, Lisa leaves and Prince turns around and Rita is immediately searching the apartment.

[1:04:18] She's tossing the apartment.

[1:04:19] She then begins to like kind of attack Prince to try and get information out of him.

[1:04:23] Find out where he works, what he does.

[1:04:26] He's too mysterious.

[1:04:28] Prince runs away while Rita chases after him.

[1:04:30] He starts to slowly morph into a dog.

[1:04:33] And by morph, I mean like a tail is sticking out of his pants.

[1:04:37] He runs into a restaurant.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:38] It's not exactly an American werewolf in London is what you're saying.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:41] No.

[1:04:41] He runs into a werewolf.

[1:04:43] They, they only had a time for one amazing dog transformation effect.

[1:04:46] And that is later on in the movie.

[1:04:48] Uh, he runs into a restroom in a restaurant.

[1:04:51] Uh, Rita chases after him.

[1:04:53] And when she opens the door, a dog runs out and there's a pile of clothes sitting in the corner.

[1:04:58] Uh, Rita talks to Lisa and says, you know, I saw, I saw Prince turn into a dog.

[1:05:04] And Lisa's like, you saw him turn into a dog?

[1:05:06] And she's like, that's the only explanation for it.

[1:05:08] I didn't actually see it, but come on.

[1:05:11] Man goes into a bathroom.

[1:05:13] Dog runs out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:14] Clothes left behind.

[1:05:15] Either there's a naked man in the, in the vents.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:18] Scott McCloud explained it that you, your mind fills in the blanks between the panels.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:23] What, what if this turned into like took a sharp left turn into film noir at this point?

[1:05:28] And Rita just starts blackmailing, uh, them to not reveal that he's a dog.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:33] I'll tell your mom that he's a dog.

[1:05:35] If you don't, I mean, that'd be one of those things where it's like, go ahead.

[1:05:38] And no one's going to believe you.

[1:05:39] It's crazy.

[1:05:40] We can't take that chance, Lisa.

[1:05:41] We can't take that chance.

[1:05:43] We've got to give Rita the money or kill Rita.

[1:05:46] And then, uh, he kills Rita.

[1:05:49] Does he kill her as a man or as a dog?

[1:05:51] Because either way, he could be out in public as the other form.

[1:05:54] Or does Lisa do it?

[1:05:56] And they're like, uh, Lisa, you should have let me kill her because I would have more deniability

[1:06:00] because I could do it as a dog.

[1:06:01] Anyway, they're on the run is the important thing.

[1:06:03] And the police are on the lookout for a woman with a dog so they can only travel at night

[1:06:07] because she's not a woman with a dog at night.

[1:06:09] She's a woman with a man.

[1:06:10] I call it, they live by night.

[1:06:12] Great.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:14] Uh, we learned that in Lisa's house that she has a drawer just full of, uh, various actors

[1:06:18] in the movie's headshots.

[1:06:20] Uh, that's odd.

[1:06:21] Uh, so.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:23] Is this when she tells Rita to get out of her life?

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:26] Yeah.

[1:06:26] I think she, she tells Rita to get out of her life and she approaches Prince, uh, where she

[1:06:33] thinks the, I think, is it around now where she suggests to Prince that, uh, that they need

[1:06:40] to have a baby together?

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:41] Yeah.

[1:06:41] It's at Prince, Prince sings his song, his immortal song.

[1:06:44] I will never make my goal as he wanders the town going, I will never make my goal.

[1:06:50] I will never make my goal.

[1:06:52] And then she says, there's only one option.

[1:06:54] We have to have a child.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:56] And Prince is distraught by this.

[1:06:58] And Lisa doesn't understand why she's like, what, what, what could, what could be causing

[1:07:02] all this trouble?

[1:07:03] Do you not love me?

[1:07:04] And of course the reason is because he's a half man, half dog.

[1:07:08] Like, what do you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:09] He says like, if you want a bouncing baby warg, then yes, maybe we can do this.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:13] But yeah.

[1:07:15] Uh, yeah.

[1:07:16] They deal with a bunch of other basic relationship bullshit.

[1:07:20] Lisa starts to be a little emotionally manipulative.

[1:07:22] And she, uh, she pressures, uh, she pressures Prince into going to a work lunch.

[1:07:30] Uh, her boss is throwing a work lunch.

[1:07:33] Oh, that's right.

[1:07:33] On his veranda.

[1:07:34] During the afternoon.

[1:07:36] This is the owner of the store.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:36] Yeah.

[1:07:37] The owner of the store who we have not met before.

[1:07:38] This is after, uh, I just want to make, mention that there's a little plot cul-de-sac as they're

[1:07:43] going to go together to see an exhibit of Chinese fossil statues, but no dogs allowed.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:49] So Prince is nervous about, uh, making any kind of plans during the afternoon, but Lisa's

[1:07:54] like, no, it's going to be, it's going to be cloudy.

[1:07:56] As soon as it's cloudy, she commits, she pressures Prince into going with her.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:00] She's like, it's going to be cloudy with a chance of meatballs.

[1:08:02] So even if you turn into a dog, you'll love it.

[1:08:04] So two things like this is, this is apparently a new rule.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:07] I didn't know that this was a sun based transformation and not a day and night based transformation.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:13] But also, I think the pond explained that part that if the sun is occluded by clouds.

[1:08:17] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:18] But also like we see them at this luncheon and, uh, you know, it's pretty bright.

[1:08:24] It's one of these cloudy days that's, uh, achieved by throwing a filter over the camera.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:29] It's one of these cloudy days that's achieved by having the characters talk about how cloudy

Dan McCoy

[1:08:33] it is, regardless of the surroundings.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:35] Which is, and what I love is that on this, uh, very cloudy day, they've decided to still,

[1:08:39] uh, just fuck it.

[1:08:41] Let's eat outside.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:42] Yeah.

[1:08:43] Next to the pool on the veranda.

[1:08:44] Uh, this scene has maybe the best dialogue in the whole movie.

[1:08:49] Just the, the, the boss and his family talking.

[1:08:52] It is so obviously written by someone who is not familiar with like American idioms necessarily.

[1:08:59] Uh, he's complaining.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:01] He's complaining about his kids where, uh, he's like, he's like, my kids don't have any interest

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:05] in running the stores.

[1:09:06] And his daughter says, I'm a medical doctor.

[1:09:11] Uh, and it's great.

[1:09:12] And, uh, but he wants, but he wants to promote Lisa to manager.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:16] Yeah.

[1:09:16] He says, I'm thinking about promoting you and some of the other guys.

[1:09:22] So he has this, he has this whole plan.

[1:09:24] Uh, and she's obviously very excited about this because it's a big promotion.

[1:09:29] Um, and lunch wraps up.

[1:09:31] Prince is sitting at a side table with the son of the manager.

[1:09:34] Uh, and Lisa is walking around the other side of the pool.

[1:09:38] Uh, you know, hashing out some of the details I'm assuming when, uh, the son comes out and

[1:09:43] Prince immediately, immediately anamorphs into a dog.

[1:09:48] Uh, and, and the kid shouts, dad, Prince just became a dog.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:56] Uh, and Lisa falls in the pool.

[1:09:59] She's so, she's so horrified and Prince saves her while being really verbally abusive.

[1:10:03] And that's my other favorite line in the movie.

[1:10:05] You pizza face, cinder block.

[1:10:07] Which makes no sense.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:09] The, now, do you think she was in her head?

[1:10:13] She's like, if I make a big enough scene, nobody's going to notice that Prince just became a dog.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:19] They'll just remember this as the day Lisa fell in the pool.

[1:10:21] Not the day Lisa's boyfriend turned into a dog.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:26] Okay, so this scene wraps up as soon as the two of them climb out of the pool.

[1:10:30] We don't know actually if there's any fallout.

[1:10:33] Uh, we see them like kind of toying over the troubles of their relationship.

[1:10:38] Uh, they're playing with a chair in Lisa's house that is a giant hand that I had not seen before.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:44] It's basically the chair that, uh, that, that Buster is sitting in in Arrested Development, right?

[1:10:49] That big hand chair.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:51] And, uh, this is when Prince explains that there's, uh, might be another option to die and be reborn.

[1:10:58] Uh, which Lisa is not up for, for whatever reason.

[1:11:03] I don't know.

[1:11:04] What a wimp.

[1:11:05] He leaves her a Dear John note and he runs off.

[1:11:08] Uh, it's written on green stationery or green napkin.

[1:11:12] Uh, she, Lisa doesn't take it well.

[1:11:15] Uh, Prince runs and talks to the pond.

[1:11:17] He explains that, you know, it's just not going to work out.

[1:11:20] Uh, he's tried everything he could possibly think of.

[1:11:23] And the pond's like, what are you talking about?

[1:11:25] Why don't you guys just stay together?

[1:11:26] And he's like, oh yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:28] The pond's like, you have to work out your problems.

[1:11:30] And it's like, at this point, the pond is just, the, is just Prince's, like, Wilson from Home Improvement.

[1:11:37] Like, or Wilson from Castaway, for that matter.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:40] Basically a magical therapist that you don't have to pay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:43] Yeah.

[1:11:43] Oh, if only.

[1:11:44] But you do have to state your problems out loud in front of everybody at a public park.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:48] Uh, I, I don't think that's a good idea.

[1:11:49] I don't think the dog is speaking out loud.

[1:11:52] I could be wrong.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:53] So you're saying this is a telepathic pond?

[1:11:55] Yes.

[1:11:55] Stuart, some things push my, uh, push my, uh, accepted disbelief too far.

[1:12:01] I can only suspend my disbelief so far.

[1:12:03] Magic pond with CGI glitter that turns men into dogs to teach them a lesson?

[1:12:07] Yes.

[1:12:08] Telepathic ponds?

[1:12:09] Uh, I no think so.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:10] So the pond was the thing that turned him into a dog in the first place?

[1:12:14] I mean, no other explanation is given.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:16] I mean, it's, I mean, and you don't need an explanation.

[1:12:18] Groundhog Day doesn't have an explanation, right?

[1:12:20] No, I guess you're right.

[1:12:22] You're right.

[1:12:22] Right?

[1:12:22] Because they cut out that scene where his ex-girlfriend casts a voodoo curse on him.

[1:12:26] So maybe this, and so maybe she saw Groundhog Day and she was like, well, if Harold Ramis

[1:12:30] can get away with it, I can get away with it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:32] So, uh, Prince realizes that he was wrong.

[1:12:35] Lisa runs out looking for Prince.

[1:12:37] The two of them are running toward each other.

[1:12:39] Uh, Prince crosses the road without looking both ways and unfortunately is hit and killed by a car.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:46] Now here's my question.

[1:12:48] When they, when they, when she buries him in a box, because he's a dog, at night does his body turn into a man's body and break through the box and then like grow and shrink until he rots away forever?

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:59] Um, I mean, I feel like, I feel like the real shame, the almost cosmic shame is that when he is hit and killed, that he doesn't, he doesn't at least get the dignity to die as a man.

[1:13:12] Yeah, that's true.

[1:13:13] No, he stays a dog.

[1:13:14] And also like, I would have, this scene would have been much less troubling if I saw the actor who was playing, uh, Prince, uh, on the ground covered in blood than a poor dog on the ground covered in blood.

[1:13:26] Like, I don't want to see that ever.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:28] No, although the dog does look like a dog who is just taking a nap with some fake blood on his head.

[1:13:33] Mm-hmm.

[1:13:34] He's not even playing dead.

[1:13:35] He's not even on his back with his feet up in the air.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:37] Yeah.

[1:13:38] Uh, okay.

[1:13:40] Now, guys, here's the, here's the important point.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:44] You gotta, you gotta prepare the audience for what's coming next.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:46] So, it feels like the movie's over, but no, no, no.

[1:13:50] We get a new title card.

[1:13:52] It says, years later.

[1:13:54] How many?

[1:13:55] Oh, we'll find out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:56] Now, you might be expecting two, like in the Bratz movie, three, four, maybe.

[1:14:02] Oh, boy.

[1:14:03] Expand your idea of what years later can mean.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:06] So, we, uh, we have an exterior shot of Lisa's apartment.

[1:14:11] It says apartment for rent.

[1:14:12] What has happened?

[1:14:13] We'll find out.

[1:14:14] Paula arrives with a large family in tow, who we learn later are her grandchildren.

[1:14:23] Uh...

[1:14:23] And they're like adolescents.

[1:14:25] They are.

[1:14:25] It is a shocking revelation because she, other than dressing slightly more dowdy, she, uh,

[1:14:32] she just has a slight graying to her hair.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:35] Yeah, as does Lisa.

[1:14:36] The, these elderly, apparently, women are being designated just by, they sprayed some silver into their hair.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:44] It's like, it's like when a kid plays an old person in a high school play and they just put flour in their hair.

[1:14:49] Like, that's what this is.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:51] Uh, and do they specify that it's been 40 years?

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:55] I don't remember if they ever say the amount of time, but it must be something like that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:59] Uh, so, Paula and Lisa have, have not talked since their friend's breakup years ago.

[1:15:05] Uh, they catch up a little bit, obviously, uh, let bygones be bygones.

[1:15:10] They sit in a, uh, strangely lit, dark room where they're, uh, with heavy shadows.

[1:15:17] And they, uh, Lisa has clearly revealed her, uh, her history and her relationship and all the magical properties of her relationship with Prince.

[1:15:28] And she's showing her a photo album.

[1:15:31] She's showing her the photo album of murder photos that we had mentioned before.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:35] Uh, and the pictures of her with Prince as a man are on alternate pages with the pictures of her with Prince as a dog.

[1:15:41] Uh, so, they start to speculate.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:47] Like, what are the rules?

[1:15:49] If he died then, perhaps he is reincarnated and she could just find him again.

[1:15:55] How many years has it been?

[1:15:57] Would it be a dog years or a man years?

[1:15:59] There's all these possible options.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:01] Paula says, no, his age would restart from the day he died.

[1:16:05] He'd be much younger than you.

[1:16:06] But she says that as if, like, well, that's common knowledge.

[1:16:09] Come on, Lisa.

[1:16:09] How do you not know that?

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:10] But Lisa hadn't even considered that possibility.

[1:16:13] Her mind is blown.

[1:16:15] Uh,

[1:16:16] We then have a, we have a new scene where a young man arrives at the apartment for rent.

[1:16:23] Yeah.

[1:16:24] Uh, at first his face is obscured.

[1:16:26] Who could this young man be with tussled hair?

Dan McCoy

[1:16:29] Although his hair is different in this scene.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:31] His hair is different.

[1:16:33] Uh, because he's, I guess, a different kind of dog.

[1:16:36] Yeah.

[1:16:37] We find out that is young, that is Prince.

[1:16:40] Prince has returned from the dead.

[1:16:42] And he is exactly the same age as he used to be.

[1:16:45] Except his hair is different.

[1:16:46] And he has full memories of his life.

[1:16:48] He explains that he has a successful career as, huh, you guessed it, a dog trainer.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:54] And he's like, did you put that notice in the paper that your apartment was for rent to catch my attention?

[1:16:59] And she's like, yes.

[1:17:00] And it seems there would be a much more straightforward way to try to contact somebody than to be like, I'll put my apartment for rent and I'll just hope they show up.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:08] Well, also, she's like, why didn't you find me earlier?

[1:17:10] And he's, he basically is just like, you don't want to know.

[1:17:13] And the movie just hand waves it away.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:17] Uh, so they are, uh, they, they embrace magical dust falls from the sky.

[1:17:27] Uh, they spin around in circles and they are getting married in her, I guess, backyard.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:34] But what happens to Prince's hair?

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:35] Prince's hair, Prince's hair gets old and gray.

[1:17:39] But then as they spin around, they both get young again.

[1:17:43] It's very strange.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:44] It doesn't make any sense.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:46] We have a scene of...

[1:17:47] Before they got young again, by the way, like when it just looked like he was going to get old, I was very worried about his dog training, uh, uh, business.

[1:17:54] Cause I, I figured that he would go back, try and, uh, take, you know, like take his, uh, rightful place as the head of this business.

[1:18:02] And they'd be like, get out of here, old man.

[1:18:04] You don't own this business.

[1:18:07] Anyway.

[1:18:08] Yeah.

[1:18:08] I mean, cause he looks so incredibly different.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:10] Sure.

[1:18:11] Yeah.

[1:18:11] And the dogs would be like, you used to smell like young people things, but now you smell, smell like gold bond powder and Metamucil.

[1:18:17] Get out of here.

[1:18:18] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:19] Uh, because in the 40 years in the future, people will still be using those two products.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:24] I mean, possibly.

[1:18:25] I, I, I also imagine that he turns old and he's like, what did you do to me?

[1:18:29] You stole my life away.

[1:18:31] I didn't get to grow old.

[1:18:33] I, I died.

[1:18:34] Remember you've just stolen years off my life.

[1:18:36] And Lisa was like, but now we can be together.

[1:18:38] And he's like, get away from me.

[1:18:39] You old lady runs away.

[1:18:41] Uh, but no, they both get young again.

[1:18:43] Right.

[1:18:43] As they're married.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:44] Yeah.

[1:18:44] So we have a scene of them like in, uh, in like a backyard, uh, that is dressed up for a wedding.

[1:18:51] It, they spin around in circles as magic dust, uh, drops on their head and they awkwardly kiss in a repetitive manner.

[1:18:57] And it looks kind of like a loading screen.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:00] Uh, and they, they, they smile at the camera like a couple of sinister vampires.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:05] And that, and then we get, of course, the, the end title card.

[1:19:08] So that was love on a leash guys.

[1:19:10] Did I miss anything else?

Dan McCoy

[1:19:11] Well, there's, there's not bloops per se, but there are, um, some things during the credits just showing the dog training.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:19] A brief moment of dog training when I realized, oh, most of the times when there's no, uh, where the sound just cut out completely, they were just awkwardly editing out the dog training commands.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:31] They were directing the dog during those moments.

[1:19:33] Uh, this is a movie that I feel like we somehow only, but even though we went through it in extreme detail, only scratched the surface of how strange and off-puttingly put together it is.

[1:19:45] Uh-huh.

[1:19:45] And how amateurishly made it is.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:47] We barely talked about the, the symbolism of the green and pink color choices.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:52] And how between almost every scene, the transition shot is the same footage of ducks on the pond, no matter how far away we are from the pond at that moment.

[1:20:01] That's just like how we transition from one scene to another with those, that image of ducks.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:05] Yeah.

[1:20:06] It is baffling to me that this is available on Amazon prime.

[1:20:10] Like I know that they just like go out and get like as much content as they can to have this huge library.

[1:20:17] But, you know, whatever small licensing fee was paid for Love Unleash is, it's just crazy that this is widely available to basically the whole world.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:28] It feels like this movie was made partly as a scam.

[1:20:31] And that's why there's no, like a scam intending to make a feature length film that can be chopped up into smaller segments and used as the video, background video for karaoke videos.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:44] Yeah.

[1:20:45] You know what?

[1:20:45] That's what it feels like.

[1:20:46] It feels like a feature length adaptation of a karaoke video.

[1:20:49] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:50] All right.

[1:20:50] So I think we're in it already, but is this a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie or a movie you kind of like?

[1:20:56] This is called Final Judgments.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:58] Okay.

[1:20:59] Oh, wow.

[1:21:00] Yeah.

[1:21:00] This is a good, bad movie.

[1:21:02] It's totally crazy.

[1:21:03] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:04] Yeah.

[1:21:05] I agree.

[1:21:05] I mean, you do have to suffer through some awkward scenes of attempted sexual assault, but they are very fast.

[1:21:13] The rest of it is so fucking weird that it's worth checking out if you're into that kind of thing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:20] I would say every scene that touches on a hot button issue or a traumatic thing is handled in such a strangely ham-handed and unnatural way that hopefully it would dull the impact of them.

[1:21:35] Because certainly the characters seem to exist in a literally soundless void where emotions make no sense, actions have little to no consequences, and you are never more than a minute away from a dog singing a song about nothing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:49] Yeah.

[1:21:50] Yeah.

[1:21:51] It can be a grueling journey if you were to take this on your own.

[1:21:57] I don't recommend anyone just sitting down and popping this in.

[1:22:01] But, yeah, I feel like it would be a fun party movie.

[1:22:05] Genre film fans, hear me.

S4

[1:22:12] I know you're out there.

[1:22:13] Do not be ashamed of your love for gore, action, sci-fi, or fantasy.

[1:22:17] It's time to come out of the shadows.

[1:22:20] Because on Switchblade Sisters, we celebrate our love for genre films.

[1:22:23] I'm film critic April Wolf.

[1:22:25] Each week I have a conversation with a different female filmmaker about their fave genre film, and we cover film craft, getting projects off the ground, working with actors, and our general love for genre movies.

[1:22:35] I've had so many great guests, like Heather Graham.

[1:22:37] In the past, it's like so many films are made by men that the female point of view is not always respected, which is why all these stories haven't come out till now.

[1:22:45] Jennifer's body director, Karn Kusama.

[1:22:47] I think there's a lot more fantasy and a lot more expectation projected onto a woman director.

[1:22:53] Comedian and actor, Kate Berlant.

[1:22:55] I mean, it sounds so cheesy to talk about it in yourself.

[1:22:58] Like, you just keep going.

[1:22:59] You know, I'm just a vessel.

[1:23:00] Like, I just do it.

[1:23:02] You know, I don't think.

[1:23:03] But, like, that is what it is.

[1:23:05] And many others.

[1:23:06] So check out Switchblade Sisters every Thursday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.

Jordan Morris

[1:23:14] Hey, thanks for coming.

[1:23:15] Thank you.

[1:23:16] Thanks.

[1:23:17] These are real podcast listeners, not actors.

[1:23:20] We took the identifying marks off this podcast.

[1:23:23] Just tell me your impressions.

[1:23:26] It's really sexy.

S4

[1:23:27] My first thought is, like, Radiolab?

[1:23:29] Definitely something popular.

[1:23:31] Yeah, really popular.

[1:23:32] A hit show.

Jordan Morris

[1:23:33] But funny, too.

[1:23:34] Like, does Tina Fey have a podcast?

[1:23:37] Or the Marx Brothers?

[1:23:38] Yeah, is this podcast Radiolab, but hosted by the Marx Brothers?

[1:23:42] And sexy.

[1:23:43] Like, Sade.

[1:23:44] It reminds me of Sade.

S4

[1:23:45] Exactly.

[1:23:46] And they're all riding in a BMW.

Jordan Morris

[1:23:49] Close.

[1:23:50] But not quite.

[1:23:52] Take a look behind these panels.

[1:23:55] And then watch this rocket blast off into space.

[1:23:59] Whoa.

[1:24:00] Ooh.

[1:24:01] And there's the pies we made you.

[1:24:03] What?

[1:24:04] Now, let's show you the podcast.

[1:24:07] Oh.

[1:24:08] Wow, it was Jordan Jesse Go.

[1:24:10] Jordan Jesse Go?

[1:24:11] Hold on.

[1:24:15] Whoa.

[1:24:16] Ooh.

[1:24:16] Oh, my goodness.

[1:24:17] That was 514 J.D. Power & Associates podcasting awards.

[1:24:22] That was really scary.

[1:24:24] But compelling.

S4

[1:24:25] I guess I should definitely subscribe to Jordan Jesse Go.

Jordan Morris

[1:24:28] Um, yeah.

[1:24:29] I'd say so.

[1:24:32] Jordan Jesse Go.

[1:24:33] A real podcast.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:38] All right, guys.

[1:24:39] Let's move on to our sponsors.

[1:24:42] The Flophouse.

[1:24:42] Who's the book on this?

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:43] Love on a leash.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:44] Yeah.

[1:24:45] The Flophouse is brought to you in part by Arm & Hammer Cloud Control Cat Litter.

[1:24:50] You know what I love?

[1:24:52] Arm & Hammer.

[1:24:53] Arm & Hammer.

[1:24:54] Arm & Hammer.

[1:24:54] And also my cat, Archie.

[1:24:56] He's a delight.

[1:24:59] Stuart knows it.

[1:25:02] Archie loves me, but adores Stuart whenever he comes over.

[1:25:07] Archie will be all over him, pushing his face into Stuart's.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:12] How did this ad for Cat Litter turn into a passive-aggressive attack on Archie's preference for Stuart?

Dan McCoy

[1:25:18] I would say preference.

[1:25:20] He's happy to see Stuart, because Stuart's not around as much.

[1:25:24] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:24] Is this an ad for Stuart?

[1:25:26] Like, you should get Stuart for your cats?

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:28] I mean, I don't think it's a bad idea.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:30] I'm just talking about how lovable Archie is to set up the fact that, you know, as lovable as Archie is.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:37] That at night he turns into a man.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:39] As lovable as Archie is, it's not a fun thing to clean up after him.

[1:25:45] To handle his poop and his congealed pee.

[1:25:51] But that's why Arm & Hammer.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:54] Dan, I don't think you're cleaning it up fast enough.

[1:25:56] If it's congealing.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:58] That's what litter does.

[1:25:59] It, you know, clumps it up.

[1:26:01] Which is why Arm & Hammer created a new cloud-controlled litter.

[1:26:04] No cloud of nasties here.

[1:26:06] It is 100% dust-free.

[1:26:08] Free of heavy perfumes.

[1:26:10] And it helps reduce airborne dander from scooping.

[1:26:13] So what happens in the litter box stays in the litter box.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:16] So does it have a feature in there that when the cat is done using the box, it doesn't immediately run away screaming?

Dan McCoy

[1:26:24] Is that a thing that cats do?

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:26] Yeah, cats, like, as soon as they finish, they, like, run off.

[1:26:29] Well, I mean, my cats make...

[1:26:30] Screaming?

[1:26:30] Well, my cats make...

[1:26:31] Yeah, because they're ashamed of what they've done.

[1:26:33] My cats are very vocal.

[1:26:34] Okay.

[1:26:34] Well, just to finish this...

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:37] Oh, it's more like when someone yells, like, mail call at Army Base.

[1:26:41] Your cat's just like, poop here.

[1:26:43] You ordered the poop.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:44] Poop up.

[1:26:45] Just to finish this read.

[1:26:46] New cloud-controlled cat litter by Arm & Hammer.

[1:26:49] More power to you.

[1:26:52] So should we do some plugs for ourselves?

[1:26:57] Yeah, why not?

[1:26:57] Oh, wait.

[1:26:58] Should we do...

[1:26:58] Sorry.

[1:26:58] Jumbotrons.

[1:26:59] We've got some Jumbotrons.

[1:27:00] I forgot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:00] Let's do Jumbotrons, Dan.

[1:27:01] I know you're sick and also you turn into a dog at night.

[1:27:04] Mm-hmm.

[1:27:04] So you kind of forgot the Jumbotrons.

[1:27:06] Let's do Jumbotrons.

[1:27:07] Yay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:07] Okay.

[1:27:08] J-j-j-jumbotrons.

[1:27:11] Did you ever wish there was a movie review podcast that reviewed insane role-playing games from

[1:27:17] history instead of movies?

[1:27:19] No?

[1:27:20] Shoot.

[1:27:21] That's $200 wasted.

[1:27:23] Jeff and John examine the oddities of RPG history and somehow get real personal about it,

[1:27:29] too, on System Mastery.

[1:27:32] They've already reviewed more than 150 different games from the 70s to today, and new episodes

[1:27:38] come out every two weeks.

[1:27:41] So check out the System Mastery podcast on iTunes or Stitcher or just visit SystemMasteryPodcast.com.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:50] If you're like me, a real RPG freak.

[1:27:56] This Jumbotron message is for Holly, the best mom in the world, and it's from Melissa.

[1:28:01] I hope I'm pronouncing that correctly.

[1:28:02] And the message is,

[1:28:03] Hi, mom.

[1:28:04] By the time you hear this, you'll be breast cancer free.

[1:28:06] To celebrate your recovery, I got you a message from the Peaches.

[1:28:09] I'm so thankful and so blessed to have a mother like you and so happy you're healthy again.

[1:28:13] Hopefully, Elliot won't sing a letters song because I know you don't like them, even though I do.

[1:28:18] Love, your daughter, Melissa.

[1:28:20] Well, I feel like now I have to not sing a letters song.

[1:28:22] It feels like it would be, you know, I don't know.

[1:28:25] Guys, or should I just go against what this person likes or doesn't like?

[1:28:29] Anyway, it doesn't matter.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:31] Oh, you're asking our preferences on this one?

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:36] Good point.

[1:28:37] I shouldn't ask.

[1:28:38] Holly, I'm so glad you're healthy too, and that's wonderful.

[1:28:41] What a nice message.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:44] Two lovely messages.

[1:28:45] Time for plugs.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:47] Yep.

[1:28:48] We've still got some live shows coming up.

[1:28:50] Elliot, why don't you tell us about those if you can?

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:52] That's right.

[1:28:53] We got the day this episode comes out, I believe, will be September 28th, 2019.

[1:28:58] We'll be in buh-buh-buh Boston, or technically, buh-buh-buh Brookline at WBUR City Space.

[1:29:04] We're doing two shows.

[1:29:05] The 7 p.m. show, Alita, Battle Angel, is sold out.

[1:29:08] But the 9.45 p.m., Godzilla, King of the Monsters, I think we still have some tickets available.

[1:29:13] So come on down.

[1:29:14] September 28th, coming down tonight, if you're listening to this on the day of release.

[1:29:18] And hear us talk about the King of the Monsters.

[1:29:21] That's right, Alita, but also Godzilla.

[1:29:24] On October 12th, a few weeks later, we'll be in Los Angeles at the Regent Theater talking about Dark Phoenix.

[1:29:31] So, September 28th, today, try and come see our Boston Late Show.

[1:29:35] The early show is sold out.

[1:29:37] October 12th, Los Angeles, come and see us talk.

[1:29:40] And those tickets are available at flophousepodcast.com slash events.

[1:29:45] I will say for Boston, we do PowerPoints before each show.

[1:29:49] I will have two new presentations, one for each show.

[1:29:53] So if you want to see two new ones for Boston that I will probably never do again, because they are incredibly Boston-specific, come to both shows.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:00] Oh, and Elliot, I know you were worried about this.

[1:30:03] On the last episode, you said we'll probably be signing before each show.

[1:30:08] We haven't confirmed with the venue that that's okay because of the tight schedule.

[1:30:12] But if it does happen, it will be before each show.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:15] Yeah.

[1:30:15] So just give yourself a little bit of time in case we're signing merchandise.

[1:30:20] We will hopefully have time to do that.

[1:30:23] But yeah, I didn't want to make any promises that I couldn't keep.

[1:30:25] I didn't want to write any checks my body couldn't cash.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:27] Mm-hmm.

[1:30:28] With that body?

[1:30:29] I don't think there are any checks it couldn't cash, Elliot.

[1:30:31] Oh, wow.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:32] I mean, big checks because it's a very small body.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:35] Wow.

[1:30:35] Dan's really bigging us up today.

[1:30:37] He's talking about my cat magic and your bod.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:42] My body magic, yeah.

[1:30:44] Mm-hmm.

[1:30:44] Oh, did I tell you guys about my new, my self-help book, Body Magic?

[1:30:47] No, what's it about?

[1:30:49] Well, a lot of us forget that we're not just a person.

[1:30:52] We're also a body.

[1:30:53] Uh-huh.

[1:30:53] And inside every body is magic.

[1:30:55] Oh, no kidding.

[1:30:56] So it's all about unlocking the magic inside you.

[1:30:59] For instance, Dan, what would you tell me?

[1:31:01] What would you, if I said, Dan, there's magic inside you, what would you say?

Dan McCoy

[1:31:06] I would say, get that shit out of me, man.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:09] Oh, that's so weird.

[1:31:10] And it's not the reaction I was hoping for from the people that I wanted to sell the book to.

[1:31:15] I was hoping more of an excitement and celebration that there's magic inside you.

[1:31:21] No, I don't want that in there.

[1:31:22] Maybe I shouldn't release the book.

[1:31:23] Who knows what it's doing?

[1:31:25] Let's just move on to the next segment then.

[1:31:26] I've got to talk to the publisher.

[1:31:27] I think we made a big mistake.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:29] So the next segment is letters from listeners.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:31] I mean, you just took a small sample of your target audience and got a negative response.

[1:31:37] I feel like you could spread that around a little more.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:40] I don't know.

[1:31:40] Well, Stuart, what would you say if I said you have magic inside your body?

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:43] I'd go, ah, get it out of me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:45] Okay.

[1:31:46] This is not good.

[1:31:47] So far, 100% in my poll said, don't want the magic in them.

[1:31:51] Oh, boy.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:52] So moving on to letters from listeners.

[1:31:55] First letter we have received is from Tucker, last name withheld.

[1:32:00] Carlson must die?

[1:32:02] My question for you is.

[1:32:04] Wait.

[1:32:05] Tucker.

[1:32:06] No, it's not Carlson.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:07] Tucker Carlson.

[1:32:08] I mean, I would prefer if he was not on television, but I would not like to lose death on anybody.

[1:32:13] You're thinking of, was it Tucker?

[1:32:14] What was that movie?

[1:32:17] John Tucker must die?

[1:32:18] Is that it?

[1:32:19] No, I don't think so.

[1:32:20] No, that's John dies at the end that I think you're thinking of.

[1:32:22] Hold on.

[1:32:23] Let me look this up.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:23] Let's just assume that my booze-addled brain has messed this one up and hopefully not gotten us into legal trouble.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:30] I just want to say that Stuart is not in any way, it was John Tucker must die.

[1:32:36] You were right there.

[1:32:36] Woo, woo.

[1:32:37] Stuart is not in any way advocating the death of somebody he disagrees with politically, I assume.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:43] I'm not advocating that.

[1:32:44] Well, yeah, I'm not advocating that at all.

[1:32:46] No, I just clearly messed up movie titles.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:50] Well, anyway, Tucker, last name withheld.

[1:32:53] Maybe Tucker Carlson, who knows?

[1:32:54] So why wasn't that John Tucker had to die?

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:56] I don't understand.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:57] Yeah, Dan, what happened in the movie?

[1:32:58] He was dating three women at the same time and they all found out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:03] Oh, so you're saying Archie Andrews is just one woman away from having to die.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:07] That's true.

[1:33:08] Yeah.

[1:33:09] Good day, Peaches.

[1:33:10] My question for you is this.

[1:33:12] What are the Peaches' desert island discs?

[1:33:15] In other words, if the flappers got castawayed, which three albums would they hope to find in a FedEx box washed up on shore?

[1:33:22] Or if Dan decides that would take too long, which one album would you listen to with an anthropomorphized volleyball?

[1:33:30] And also he has a PS here for Melitalica and other metalheads of the house.

[1:33:39] I mean, I would go to Stu first, but I guess both of you.

[1:33:42] I want to recommend a solid thrash record made by Australia's premier weirdos, King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard, titled Infest the Rats Nest.

[1:33:49] I love any name that rhymes that much.

[1:33:51] Titled Infest the Rats Nest.

[1:33:54] Half despair over the inevitable environmental calamities to come.

[1:33:58] Half narrative about some earthlings who get exiled to Venus.

[1:34:02] One whole bunch of catchy thrash tunes.

[1:34:06] But that's just a side recommendation.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:09] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:34:10] I didn't know we were at recommendations already.

[1:34:12] Well, I mean.

[1:34:13] Okay, Dan, what are your desert island discs?

Dan McCoy

[1:34:16] Pick three or die.

[1:34:19] Abbey Road, my favorite of the Beatles albums and a nostalgic favorite because we listened to it in college a lot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:26] Yeah, that's when it came out, right?

Dan McCoy

[1:34:28] Okay, shut up.

[1:34:30] I'm not that old.

[1:34:31] Speaking in tongues by talking heads.

[1:34:35] It's, you know, it's hits front to back.

[1:34:37] A lot of people like a little nervier, earlier stuff.

[1:34:41] But I feel like this is a kind of a good balance between the nervy stuff and like the sort of world beat stuff that came later.

[1:34:49] The funkier stuff.

[1:34:52] And Fox Confessor brings the flood by Nico Case, who started out kind of as an old country person and then just became unrefinable and wonderful and weird.

[1:35:04] And she's got such a beautiful voice.

[1:35:07] I love it.

[1:35:07] Those are mine.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:09] Uh-huh.

[1:35:10] Elliot?

[1:35:12] I think I would want to have Judas Priest, Unleashed in the East, their kind of live album.

[1:35:17] There's a lot of extra studio stuff added, which has some of my favorite versions, some of their songs.

[1:35:21] Then I think I'd go to the, hmm, I have a Judas thing on there.

[1:35:24] I guess I have to have a Jesus thing on there.

[1:35:26] That's right.

[1:35:26] The original album of Jesus Christ Superstar.

[1:35:28] Not the Broadway cast album.

[1:35:30] The original concept album before it was a stage show.

[1:35:34] And then I think maybe a recording of the radio series of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, the first one.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:42] That sounds great.

[1:35:43] Those all are technically discs.

[1:35:46] I don't know.

[1:35:47] I'd probably, let's say, I'll do those ones Loyal by Bolt Thrower for obvious reasons.

[1:35:59] I'd do, I don't know, Awaken the Guardian by Fate's Warning once again, because that's a really awesome album of tunes.

[1:36:09] And then finally, Hysteria by Def Leppard, an album that's back-to-back of bangers, baby.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:16] That's a lot of alliteration.

[1:36:18] You must really love it.

Dan McCoy

[1:36:19] Oh, yeah.

[1:36:21] Well, this next letter is from Aaron, last name withheld.

[1:36:25] Pardon me.

[1:36:26] Who writes,

[1:36:27] Dearest Peaches, I just came upon some startling news that shook my entire world.

[1:36:32] While watching a YouTube video, they made a passing joke about a band from Star Wars called the Jizz Wailers.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:39] Well, hold on.

[1:36:40] The band is called Figrin Dan and the Modal Nodes, and they are Jizz Wailers, yes.

Dan McCoy

[1:36:45] Yeah.

[1:36:45] Cool.

[1:36:49] Yeah.

[1:36:51] Beloved characters such as Max Rebo and Figrin Dan use jizz boxes to partake in jizz.

[1:36:57] Uh-huh.

[1:36:58] Have you ever learned something about a movie, whether it be lore choices or even real life,

[1:37:03] sorry, lore choices, uh-huh, or even real life facts that change your view on a movie that you enjoy?

[1:37:10] And also, how do I go on in life and knowing this terrible piece of trivia?

[1:37:14] Yours truly, Aaron, last name withheld.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:17] Uh, well, with that kind of trivia, you could just, like, I don't know, be on a podcast and make references to it,

[1:37:23] because, uh, it's a way to say jizz a lot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:26] Which is one of the most popular musical styles in the universe, yes.

[1:37:30] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:31] Um, I don't know, like, I remember watching, uh, I saw the, uh, the movie Serenity, uh, not the one for the podcast,

[1:37:41] but the, uh, the one based on the Firefly TV show.

[1:37:43] I saw that, uh, in the theater, uh, long before I ever actually watched the TV show.

[1:37:49] So then going back and watching the TV show made me like the, uh, like the movie more.

[1:37:53] Is that, that's kind of like a lore choice.

[1:37:55] It's, uh, like, I had, uh, context for what, for the events of the movie, and I like the movie more.

[1:38:01] And it made me feel bad when, uh, something bad happened to, happens to one specific character.

[1:38:08] Uh, okay.

[1:38:09] That's how you don't spoil something, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[1:38:11] Uh, I'm dubious about that fitting into the category that, uh, this guy, uh,

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:17] Uh-oh, it's time for a new segment called Dan McCoy, Letter Judge.

Dan McCoy

[1:38:23] But I'll move along.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:24] Will Letter Judge Dan McCoy allow it?

[1:38:26] Bum, bum, bum.

[1:38:27] On the stand, the Honorable Dan McCoy, the guy who chooses the letters and sends them to us,

[1:38:32] too late for us to really think about them much ahead of time.

[1:38:35] Bum, bum, bum, bum.

[1:38:36] The defendant, Stuart Wellington.

[1:38:38] He's just trying to answer the question.

[1:38:39] A question that, my apologies to the letter writer, was not super clear to me.

[1:38:43] Bum, bum, bum, bum.

[1:38:45] Making the noises.

[1:38:46] Elliot Kalin, a guy who likes to talk and hear himself talk,

[1:38:49] even though his voice is objectively annoying.

[1:38:51] How will Judge Dan McCoy rule?

[1:38:53] The only way to find out is to listen on Judge Dan McCoy, Letter Judge.

[1:38:57] Bum, bum, bum.

[1:38:58] So, uh, bum, ba-da-da-da-da.

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:00] So, uh, Yana.

[1:39:02] Yana.

[1:39:03] Do you think I, uh, I answered that question correctly?

Dan McCoy

[1:39:07] Uh, I, I'm gonna have to rule that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:10] Oh, why are you making a face?

[1:39:11] Do you not like my accent choice?

Dan McCoy

[1:39:13] Well, I don't know why you're playing yourself, but you added an accent.

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:17] Oh, cause I'm little Stuart Wellington.

Dan McCoy

[1:39:19] Um, that doesn't, you just repeated your name.

[1:39:22] I don't think that was a justification.

[1:39:23] No, I added a little in front.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:24] I object.

[1:39:25] That's right, it's me, Phoenix Wright.

[1:39:27] Oh, wow.

[1:39:28] The famous fictional character.

[1:39:29] And I'm objecting.

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:31] Oh, wow.

[1:39:31] I hope he's, uh, I hope he's representing me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:34] I'm gonna have to represent Stuart on this one.

[1:39:36] Your Honor, I object.

[1:39:38] You are clearly biased in this case.

[1:39:40] Instead, I'm gonna take this all the way to the highest court in the land.

[1:39:43] Literally, it's time for Marijuana Court, starring Judge Dan McCoy.

[1:39:47] Dan, you have to get high for this part.

Dan McCoy

[1:39:49] Done.

[1:39:50] I will.

[1:39:50] So do you wanna...

[1:39:50] Yeah, um, I'm gonna move along, cause I'm sick, and I wanna have this, this terror end.

[1:39:57] Um...

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:58] Okay, well, I did not have a great answer for that question anyway.

[1:40:00] But did you, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:40:01] No, well, I would say that the, the closest I can think of is when I learn, when I learn

[1:40:06] that something bad happened on set.

[1:40:11] It will affect my, like, like, like, I don't know.

[1:40:13] Like, Death Proof, for instance, is a movie that a lot of people rank as Quentin Tarantino's

[1:40:18] worst, but I, I actually have a lot of fondness for it as, like, this weird hangout movie that

[1:40:24] turns into this, like, deconstruction of a horror movie, but, um, but to learn that, like,

[1:40:31] Uma Thurman almost died because of negligence on the set is not great.

[1:40:35] Of a previous movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:36] Yeah, especially strange that she almost died on the set of Death Proof, since she's not

[1:40:39] in the film.

Dan McCoy

[1:40:40] Oh, shit.

[1:40:41] What am I thinking of?

[1:40:42] Kill Bill.

[1:40:42] You're thinking of Kill Bill.

[1:40:43] A Quentin Tarantino movie starring Uma Thurman.

[1:40:45] You know, because they're car movies.

[1:40:46] That's why I, like, associated them ahead.

[1:40:48] No, I understand.

[1:40:48] I get it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:49] I think in a way, like, I think in a way, like, I think in a way, like, I think in a

[1:40:50] way, like, I think in a way, like, I think in a way, like, I think in a way, like,

[1:40:50] the idea of him following up a movie where he almost killed an actress due to his

[1:40:54] negligence.

[1:40:55] Yeah.

[1:40:55] Thank you for saving me.

[1:40:57] He then, he then makes a movie about a guy with a car where the person could never be

[1:41:03] injured if he's driving it properly.

[1:41:05] Then killing people with that car is, yeah.

[1:41:08] And then he also puts his, he puts Zoe, is it Zoe Bell?

[1:41:13] Yeah.

[1:41:13] In grave danger in one of the craziest car chases in movie history.

[1:41:19] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:19] Well, but then also talks a lot about how, well, we use real stunts, we use real cars

[1:41:24] to, it's like he's daring fate.

[1:41:26] It's like a final destination thing where it's like, hmm, Tony Todd, you were too much

[1:41:31] of a whip to kill Uma Thurman on the set of my last movie.

[1:41:34] Will you kill Zoe Bell in this one?

[1:41:36] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:41:37] So since my brain obviously failed me there, I'm just going to switch over to Twilight Zone,

[1:41:42] the movie where people actually did die.

[1:41:45] And that was a movie I enjoyed much as a kid because it was on HBO constantly.

[1:41:48] But then I learned about that and I'm like, well, maybe I'll just skip to the better segments

[1:41:54] and ignore the rest of it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:57] And I mean, and that also like colors my feelings toward all John Landis movies.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:02] Yeah.

[1:42:03] A very talented comedy director, but I, yeah, he's, he's obviously not a great person to say

[1:42:13] the least.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:13] So the, yeah, it, it hurts it whenever I'm when, I mean, especially loving old movies

[1:42:18] as I do, there's, everyone has a, like there's, it's hard to find someone who is involved in

[1:42:24] anything that doesn't have something negative in their background.

[1:42:27] Even if it's just learning like what a right wing, uh, pro, uh, blacklist person Barbara

[1:42:34] Stanwyck was or something like that.

[1:42:36] You know, there are all these, these actors and actresses and filmmakers that I see their

[1:42:39] movies and I'm like, delightful.

[1:42:40] And then I learned behind the scenes, I'm like, oh, well they, they were on the wrong side

[1:42:43] of that one.

[1:42:44] Oh boy.

[1:42:44] Okay.

[1:42:45] Wow.

[1:42:46] Ooh.

[1:42:46] Yikes.

[1:42:47] Ah, ooh.

[1:42:49] Wow.

[1:42:50] Oh boy.

[1:42:51] Well, okay.

[1:42:53] Wow.

[1:42:53] Gonna have to, okay.

[1:42:54] Well, forget.

[1:42:55] Oh, uh, well, can I, okay.

[1:42:57] So that's all right.

[1:42:58] Great.

[1:42:58] I think, uh, I think Elliot, Elliot broke down.

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:01] You might want to reboot him.

[1:43:03] Yep.

[1:43:04] Yep.

[1:43:04] He's, he's too hot.

[1:43:05] His, uh, his processor is just, oh, it's way too hot.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:09] Now he's just doing like the background noises from, uh, cell block tango in Chicago.

[1:43:14] I'll eat.

[1:43:15] I'll eat.

[1:43:16] Oh, all right.

[1:43:17] Enough of this.

[1:43:19] Uh, so the last letters from Ray, last name withheld, who says, hello, gentlemen.

[1:43:25] So I was mindlessly watching the sorcerer's apprentice the other night and it came to the scene where

[1:43:30] Nicolas Cage delivers the line.

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:32] So unless you, I thought you, I thought you, I thought you said the sorcerer's a princess

[1:43:36] and I'm like, what a much better movie that would have been.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:41] Uh, it came to the scene where Nicolas Cage delivers the line.

[1:43:44] So unless you want him to turn you into a pig who just loves physics.

[1:43:49] And I thought that was the best line in this whole bad movie.

[1:43:52] It got me thinking, what's your favorite line or delivery?

[1:43:55] No, Elliot, I'm not referring to a postal scene in a otherwise bad movie.

[1:44:01] He's got me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:01] He's got me.

[1:44:02] I love plays on words.

[1:44:03] Except when Dan's tweeting though.

Dan McCoy

[1:44:06] Army of darkness is arguably a bad movie.

[1:44:08] I will argue with you.

[1:44:09] Uh, only worth watching for the multitude of ash isms.

[1:44:12] Thanks.

[1:44:13] Ray.

[1:44:14] Last name withheld.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:15] Was it, uh, was it in that red riding hood movie where Gary Oldman has that line delivery

[1:44:19] where he's just like, no, it's like somebody's asked if he can touch a sword.

[1:44:24] He's like, no.

Dan McCoy

[1:44:27] Gary Oldman also, uh, in the professional and he's like, get me everyone or whatever the line

[1:44:34] is.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:34] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:44:35] Where he like goes full, uh, F. Marie Abraham in it.

Dan McCoy

[1:44:38] This is not a bad movie, but for me, like in terms of line delivery, one of my favorite

[1:44:44] line deliveries that we've, uh, we've referenced on the show before is from Romancing the Stone

[1:44:48] where at the end, uh, one of the bad guys goes, Joan Wilder, you and your sister can go.

[1:45:00] And it's so funny.

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:03] It's hard because I, there's so many line deliveries from things where I am like, oh,

[1:45:08] that was amazing.

[1:45:09] And then I go back and rewatch the moment.

[1:45:10] I'm like, oh, that's not that, it's actually not that exciting.

[1:45:14] There's a, so I don't want to pick one and then go back and look at it again and be like,

[1:45:18] oh, well that, I really built that up in my mind.

[1:45:21] Yeah.

[1:45:21] So let's just say you mentioned Nicolas Cage in Sorcerer's Apprentice.

[1:45:24] I'm going to say whenever Nicolas Cage was in a bad movie, I love every line that he delivers.

[1:45:28] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:45:29] Well, uh, that letter may have ended in a whimper, but don't worry.

[1:45:35] We have one more segment on the show and that is recommendations of movies that you should

[1:45:42] watch probably instead of Love on a Leash unless you are a bad movie fan, which case why not

[1:45:48] watch both?

[1:45:50] Uh, Stuart, do you have a recommendation?

Stuart Wellington

[1:45:52] I do.

[1:45:53] Uh, I'm going to recommend a movie that is, I think, just wrapping up its limited theatrical

[1:45:58] run, but it also just popped up on the streaming service Shudder.

[1:46:02] Uh, I'm recommending the movie, uh, whose English title is Tigers Are Not Afraid.

[1:46:08] It's a Spanish language movie shot in Mexico, I believe.

[1:46:12] Um, and it's a bit of a, like a dark fairy tale with horror elements about, it follows a group

[1:46:19] of, uh, street children who have been orphaned by the, like, drug war and the human trafficking,

[1:46:26] uh, that seems to plague their city.

[1:46:29] And, uh, the children have, like, kind of a, like a rich, uh, like internal fantasy that

[1:46:38] tries to cover up some of the horrors that they experience.

[1:46:41] Um, and yeah, it's just, it's a lot of fun.

[1:46:45] Uh, the performances of these children are great.

[1:46:48] Um, it's scary at times.

[1:46:50] It's, yeah, it's, it's, uh, it's, I found it to be a really affecting, uh, short little

[1:46:55] movie.

[1:46:56] Uh, check it out if you can.

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:59] Uh, I finally got to see a movie that I'd wanted to see for a long time, which is Paris

[1:47:03] is Burning.

[1:47:04] Uh, the documentary from 1990 by, directed by Jenny Livingston.

[1:47:08] That's about the, uh, ball scene of the late 80s in New York, kind of underground ball scene

[1:47:12] that the mostly gay, mostly non-white, uh, community would throw on to kind of perform different

[1:47:23] roles in a, in semi-public, in front, in, in public in the community in order to, like,

[1:47:29] win different competitions and as a way of expressing different fantasies of, uh, being

[1:47:34] part of the larger culture that they had been shut out of.

[1:47:37] And they do a really good job of, like, just bringing you into this scene and introducing

[1:47:43] you to a bunch of the important people in it.

[1:47:44] And also using that as a lens to show you how kind of screwed up the mainstream white, straight

[1:47:51] culture of the 1980s, and I assume today still is.

[1:47:54] And it's, it's, it's overt kind of emphasis on money and fame and fashion and surface at

[1:48:04] the expense of really understanding people underneath that surface.

[1:48:08] And the tensions that these, the, the performers involved in the ball scene have to put up with

[1:48:14] in being, wanting to be a part of that larger world and yet being shut out of it and trying

[1:48:19] to recreate it.

[1:48:19] And I just thought it was really fantastic and very, uh, uh, you know, just powerful and

[1:48:26] brilliant and emotional.

[1:48:28] And it's one of these movies where I'm like, oh, I should have watched this a long time

[1:48:30] ago, but I'm glad I'm finally seeing it now.

[1:48:32] It's on Netflix right now.

[1:48:34] So that's Paris is Burning.

Dan McCoy

[1:48:35] Uh, I'm going to recommend a movie from 1942.

[1:48:39] What?

[1:48:40] It's directed by Henri Georges Clouseau, who, uh, his most, most famous movies are Diabolic

[1:48:46] and Wages of Fear.

[1:48:48] And this is actually his first movie.

[1:48:50] The American title would be The Murderer Lives at Number 21.

[1:48:55] And, uh, if you have the criterion.

[1:48:57] What's the French title, Dan?

[1:48:59] Uh, L'Assassin Habit au 21.

[1:49:04] Vente et un, I guess would be the.

Stuart Wellington

[1:49:07] I'd be nervous that that title would bury the lead in the mystery, but that's okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:49:10] Uh, and, uh.

[1:49:12] Or spoil it.

[1:49:13] If you have the criterion streaming channel, it's available on that.

[1:49:17] And, uh, it is a, there's a serial killer in, in, in Paris.

[1:49:25] And he is baffling the police.

[1:49:29] He leaves a calling card at all of his murders.

[1:49:32] And a tip leads, uh, the inspector on the case to realize where the killer lives, but not who the killer is, because it's a boarding house.

[1:49:40] And so he moves in there to try, undercover to try and figure it out.

[1:49:44] And also his, um, his opera singer girlfriend wants to figure it out as well to get publicity for herself.

[1:49:53] And it's, um, kind of a combination of a, uh, thriller and an Agatha Christie sort of chamber mystery.

[1:50:01] But it's also very, very funny.

[1:50:03] It's like, it's got a light touch.

[1:50:05] And Clouseau is sort of, he's looked, people call him the French Hitchcock.

[1:50:10] And that is very accurate while also being reductive because he's, uh, such a great director on his own.

[1:50:18] But if you like kind of the lighter, zippier Hitchcock thrillers, this is in that vein.

[1:50:24] And it's only 84 minutes.

[1:50:25] So why not check it out?

[1:50:27] That's my recommendation.

[1:50:29] Three movies recommended.

[1:50:30] Dan McCoy.

[1:50:32] We did it, guys.

[1:50:33] We recommended three movies.

[1:50:35] Uh, and now having fulfilled our compact with you, the listener, we prepare to sign off by saying,

[1:50:41] why not check out, uh, the other great podcasts over at MaximumFun.org.

[1:50:47] Uh-huh.

[1:50:48] Uh, it's a great network.

[1:50:49] Got a lot of great shows.

[1:50:50] There's like 30-something shows now on the network.

[1:50:54] That's some shows.

[1:50:55] They did.

Elliott Kalan

[1:50:55] They made a TV show about the network called 30-something.

[1:50:58] Uh-huh.

Dan McCoy

[1:50:59] Mm-hmm.

[1:50:59] And, uh, tweet about us, review us on iTunes.

[1:51:03] Uh-huh.

[1:51:04] Grab people in the streets and force them to listen to us.

[1:51:06] Probably don't do that last one.

Stuart Wellington

[1:51:08] Yeah.

[1:51:08] Come to our live shows.

[1:51:10] Uh, if you are a MaxFun donor, uh, you can expect in the coming weeks a new, uh, installment

[1:51:18] of our, uh, Flop Tales bonus content where I make these dudes play, uh, and our friend Juben

[1:51:24] play role-playing games with me.

Dan McCoy

[1:51:26] And thanks again to Jordan, who does, uh, most of the, uh, engineering and editing for

[1:51:33] the show these days.

[1:51:34] Jordan Calling.

[1:51:35] Yep.

[1:51:36] She has the last name.

[1:51:37] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[1:51:38] Well, I, you know, I, okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:51:40] I never know how much people, like, want to be revealed on a thing or not.

[1:51:44] I guess I could ask her.

Stuart Wellington

[1:51:44] I mean, and you can put it out there and then she can just edit it out.

[1:51:48] That's true.

Dan McCoy

[1:51:48] Jordan, you're in control.

Elliott Kalan

[1:51:53] I've been working with Jordan on another donor's, uh, special thing, uh, with John Hodgman.

[1:51:59] Uh, we've been working on a podcast called iPodius in which John Hodgman and I are watching

[1:52:04] and reviewing every episode.

[1:52:05] Yeah, we're using the potty together.

[1:52:07] And talk to each other while we're doing it.

[1:52:10] We're reviewing each episode of iPodius and that should be available sometime in the fall,

[1:52:14] I guess.

[1:52:15] Mm-hmm.

[1:52:16] It's fall now.

Stuart Wellington

[1:52:17] Uh, so.

[1:52:18] Uh, well, sometime later in the fall then.

[1:52:19] Maybe the winter.

[1:52:21] Uh, yeah, this has been fun, guys.

[1:52:23] Thanks for doing the show.

Dan McCoy

[1:52:25] Okay, well, so many episodes in, we still don't know how to end it.

[1:52:29] So I'm just gonna say.

[1:52:30] On a high note.

[1:52:31] Uh, thanks for listening.

[1:52:33] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:52:35] Hey, I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:52:37] And hey, it's Elliot Kalin saying, hey everybody, go out there and rediscover the magic inside

[1:52:43] you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:52:45] No, get it out of me!

[1:52:46] Ah!

[1:52:47] Brr, brr, brr, brr.

[1:52:50] The end.

Elliott Kalan

[1:52:56] Okay.

[1:52:57] Like Shakespeare, except for the quality.

[1:52:59] Yeah.

[1:53:00] And the acclaim.

[1:53:01] Okay.

[1:53:02] But he's also dead, so you're also not like Shakespeare in that way.

[1:53:05] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[1:53:07] Do we got any more?

[1:53:08] Uh, let's, uh, turn it to the audience.

[1:53:10] Is there any ways that Dan is not like Shakespeare?

Elliott Kalan

[1:53:14] Write into how Dan is not like Shakespeare, care of the Flophouse, 123 Fake Street, America,

[1:53:20] New York, USA, 10099, USA, up all night.

S4

[1:53:26] MaximumFun.org

[1:53:28] Comedy and culture.

[1:53:30] Artist owned.

[1:53:31] Audience supported.

Ep. #294 - Love on a Leash

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