Ep. #297 - Mortal Engines

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode we discuss Mortal Engines.

Elliott Kalan

[0:04] The movie that will make you realize cities that roll around on tank treads and harpoon

[0:09] other cities and then eat those cities are kind of boring.

[0:30] Hey everyone, welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:42] Oh hey there Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellingtown.

Elliott Kalan

[0:46] Hey there Dan McCoy and Stuart Wellingtown. It's me, Elliot Kalin, and I'm joined today by a very special guest.

[0:52] Brendan, say hi.

[0:52] Hi, I'm Brendan Hay.

[0:53] This is Brendan Hay. He's the showrunner of the Netflix animated series Harvey Girls Forever.

[0:58] Third season is out now.

[1:00] Yes.

[1:01] And he is also, you know, a great friend of ours. He's been a long time friend of mine.

[1:05] He's one of my groomsmen and he has a boatload of stories from when he was the head writer of Star Wars Detours.

[1:11] A Star Wars animated cartoon that never aired.

[1:14] Never will.

[1:15] We're not here to talk about that, are we?

S4

[1:17] I mean, we can, but I think Mortal Engines is far more fascinating.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20] Yeah, so Brendan, what brought you to the podcast today?

Stuart Wellington

[1:22] Yeah, it's more fascinating than Star Wars.

S4

[1:26] Look guys, I think the success of Mortal Engines proves the world is hungry for cities that eat cities and not for anything Star Wars related content.

[1:36] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36] Star Wars, it's too bad that it's kind of hit a downcern.

[1:38] It really has.

[1:39] People aren't that into it anymore.

S4

[1:40] It's about time.

[1:41] You know, everything has its phase and Star Wars is done.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43] You know, I was at Engines Edge at Disneyland.

[1:45] Oh yeah, yeah.

[1:46] The Mortal Engines themed theme park.

[1:48] And I was just having so much fun riding around in the bumper cars that are shaped like cities on tank drums.

S4

[1:53] And Disney Plus is going to be huge because now that they have The Engineer, that spinoff of the Mortal Engines franchise.

[1:59] The Enginorian, yeah.

[2:00] Yeah, The Enginorian is going to be huge.

[2:01] So Dan, what do we do on this podcast?

Dan McCoy

[2:03] Wait, is Brendan Dunn being introduced?

[2:06] I thought Elliot was about to say something.

S4

[2:07] Oh, I know you were.

[2:08] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[2:09] I mean, I'm always about to say something, dudes.

[2:10] You've got to interrupt me.

[2:11] Once I pop, I can't stop.

S4

[2:13] I will throw out the reason I know Elliot is because I used to have a X-Force dupe screensaver.

[2:19] And when he was an intern and I was a writer's assistant at The Daily Show, he was probably the only person ever on staff to be like,

[2:25] Hey, is that a dupe screensaver?

[2:27] And we talked for about a half hour and there you go.

Elliott Kalan

[2:28] And we have been friends ever since.

[2:30] I mean, I was cooler than that.

[2:31] I was like, hey, sweet dupe.

[2:33] Yeah.

[2:34] That actually is more accurate.

S4

[2:35] Yeah, yeah.

[2:36] Exactly.

[2:37] You were the cool dude in the situation.

Elliott Kalan

[2:38] Yeah, yeah.

[2:38] I was a cool dude in my black jeans and tucked in black Frankenstein.

S4

[2:41] I was going to say, yeah.

[2:43] It might have been the Boris Karloff.

Elliott Kalan

[2:44] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[2:45] Yeah.

[2:45] And you were smoking cigarettes and staring at the ceiling wistfully.

Elliott Kalan

[2:51] Am I Sidney Carton in the trial scene in A Tale of Two Cities?

[2:55] Possibly.

Stuart Wellington

[2:55] I mean, I was kind of mashing it up like a traditional French cool guy with Jordan Catalano.

Elliott Kalan

[3:03] The coolest of teenagers.

[3:04] Yeah.

[3:05] So, Dan, what do we do on this podcast?

Dan McCoy

[3:07] This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[3:10] And today we're discussing Mortal Engines, which was produced by Peter Jackson.

Stuart Wellington

[3:16] Now, you guys keep saying that we watch Mortal Engines.

[3:19] Sure, interrupt me.

[3:19] That's fine.

[3:19] But I'm pretty sure I watched Mortal Instruments City of Bones.

[3:25] Oh, no.

[3:26] That's a different movie.

[3:27] No.

[3:27] But it stars the same person.

[3:29] Yeah.

[3:30] The movie I watched was a YA based on like a YA property.

[3:34] Yeah.

[3:34] Right?

[3:35] Oh, no, no.

[3:35] This one is true.

[3:36] That'd be correct.

[3:36] Yeah.

[3:36] Okay.

[3:36] The bad guy's last name is Valentine.

[3:40] Okay.

[3:40] Yeah.

[3:41] All turns out so far.

Dan McCoy

[3:42] And it stars that guy that was in that terrible Umbrella Academy TV show.

Stuart Wellington

[3:46] Okay.

[3:46] Wait.

Elliott Kalan

[3:47] Haven't seen Umbrella Academy, but yeah, same guy.

[3:48] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[3:49] So, I watched the right movie, right?

[3:54] Most of the way.

[3:56] Well, why don't I talk about what happens in this movie?

[3:58] Robert Sheehan.

[3:59] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[3:59] That was his name.

[4:01] Why don't we talk about the movie and we can figure out how much it lines up or doesn't

[4:05] line up.

[4:05] The two Mortal movies that also star the same guy and have a bad guy whose last name is

[4:10] Valentine.

[4:10] Because the only Mortal.

[4:11] And are based on YA novels.

[4:12] The only Mortal Engines.

[4:13] Promitly featuring cities.

Stuart Wellington

[4:14] No, don't worry about it.

[4:15] Let's just move on.

[4:16] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[4:17] No, no.

[4:17] What are we going to say?

[4:18] What are we going to say, Stuart?

[4:18] What are we going to say?

[4:19] I dare you.

[4:20] I double dog dare you.

[4:21] I'm checking my phone.

[4:25] Okay.

[4:25] Mortal Engines.

[4:26] So, guys, let's talk about the movie.

[4:28] The movie opens with a voiceover over the production credits of all things.

[4:33] Not over footage, but just over the names of production companies.

[4:35] But how in the future, society collapsed and resources were scarce, so the age of the

[4:39] Predator cities began.

[4:40] Long story short, this is doled out to us in not so much clues, but varied info dumps.

[4:45] But I'll just tell you, the movie takes place years after the 60-minute

[4:48] war when a doomsday quantum weapon called Medusa destroyed the world's big cities.

[4:53] And now the only cities that are left are enormous vehicles on tank treads.

[4:58] Something that I never, it was never really explained how the way for a city to survive

[5:02] was to become a tank tread city.

[5:04] Guys, did I miss that?

Dan McCoy

[5:04] No, this was in a movie that I had a lot of problems with.

[5:08] This was my major problem, which is the entire premise of the movie.

[5:13] The basic thing in the movie is that these cities roam around and there's no explanation

[5:18] as to why after the apocalypse that is a better model of living.

Stuart Wellington

[5:23] I'm going to tell you right up top.

[5:25] It's so that you don't get blasted by somebody's Medusa laser.

[5:28] What?

[5:29] If you're driving around, if you're like hot dogging around Europe, they can't blast you

[5:32] with a Medusa.

Dan McCoy

[5:33] But I thought they didn't have Medusa lasers anymore.

[5:35] That was the whole point.

Stuart Wellington

[5:35] Now the other thing that, why do they call it a Medusa when a Medusa traditionally turns

[5:41] a normal thing into stone and the laser turns stone into rubble?

Elliott Kalan

[5:47] Excellent point.

[5:48] You got your bit.

[5:49] That's your type five on the Medusa right there.

[5:51] I have to assume they named it after their favorite parody of Madonna, Truth or Dare.

[5:57] The Julie Brown movie, Medusa, Truth or Scare is it called?

[6:00] I think that sounds correct.

[6:01] Okay.

[6:02] Wow.

[6:03] It's rare that you mentioned something Elliot that I've never, ever heard of, but you did.

Dan McCoy

[6:09] Really?

[6:09] Oh, wow.

Elliott Kalan

[6:10] Someone didn't have HBO growing up.

[6:13] The only place where you could reliably find at any time of day one of Julie Brown's two

[6:17] movies, that or Earth Girls are easy.

[6:19] Okay.

[6:19] So we're open up and there's this little steampunk city with a multi-ethnic cast.

[6:23] They all love each other.

[6:24] They're great.

[6:24] They're having a peaceful time.

[6:26] There's a girl who has a red bandana over her face who lives there, but uh-oh, London

[6:29] is coming.

[6:30] And the city splits up into little tank cities with lots of smokestacks and levers, everything

[6:34] steampunk.

[6:35] And it gets chased around by London, which is this huge predator city that's riding around

[6:39] Europe looking for resources.

[6:40] Again, this is the best way for a city to exist in the aftertimes is for it to literally

[6:44] need more gasoline to run itself than if it just sat in one place and sent people out

[6:49] on horses, I guess.

[6:50] But uh, London, we soon learn, is piloted by, he's gonna be the villain.

[6:54] How do you know?

[6:55] He's played by Hugo Weaving.

[6:56] His name?

[6:57] Thaddeus Valentine.

[6:58] Who's a sort of, what's his job?

[7:00] He's like an archaeologist, inventor, administrator, pilot?

[7:03] Like what?

S4

[7:03] Well, yeah, which gets a little bit too, also this does seem to be instead of the road

[7:07] warrior, it's the road bureaucrat.

[7:10] Because instead of, it's like, oh, here's a badass warrior with like tons of fighters and

[7:14] flaming guitars.

[7:14] It's like, no, here's an architect with a room full of navigators and some historians.

[7:20] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[7:21] He's got a good beard though.

[7:22] He does have a good beard.

[7:23] Now, Stuart, you know Hugo Weaving best, of course, from your favorite three film series

[7:27] of films, The Matrix movies.

[7:29] Yep.

[7:29] So, uh.

Stuart Wellington

[7:30] Yep.

[7:31] He said, uh, he was always chasing that Mr. Anderson, right?

[7:36] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[7:37] So here's where, so I was like, and this is around the point where I was like, so is it

[7:41] that the world is like too radioactive for the cities to stay in one place?

[7:45] I don't think so.

[7:46] No.

Stuart Wellington

[7:46] I mean, I don't think the, I don't think that specific weapon, I feel like part of what

[7:50] makes that, the blaster thing, the Medusa, is that it's not radiation.

[7:55] It just like fucks everything up.

[7:58] Yeah, it's some kind of quantum energy.

[7:59] I wasn't, I wasn't paying attention to the exposition of the movie, so I can't remember

[8:04] exactly how they explain how it fucks it up, but it fucks it up.

[8:07] You were just too distracted by the production logos, of course.

Elliott Kalan

[8:10] I mean, that would be an amazing scene if it was like, in the 62nd war, the Medusa weapon

[8:14] was unleashed.

[8:15] The Medusa, what does it do?

[8:16] It really fucks things up.

[8:18] Like it hits the city and it really fucks that city up.

[8:21] Like that city is in deep shit after the Medusa hits it.

[8:24] And Peter Jackson is reading the script and he's like, yes, Fran, perfect dialogue.

[8:28] I love it.

[8:30] So London catches one of these little cities, it hits it with harpoons and ingests it and

[8:35] starts taking on all the people and taking apart the machines and the old tech.

[8:38] And at that point, the cool part of the movie is effectively over.

[8:42] We are about 10 minutes in.

Stuart Wellington

[8:44] Yeah, and I mean, at that point, that's also when we finally get the title.

[8:48] Like before the title, we see a lot of characters running around with a variety of wigs and a

[8:53] variety of like the old Victorian London style outfits that are slightly post-apocalyptic,

[9:00] but not really.

Dan McCoy

[9:02] Yeah.

[9:02] I mean, you say that the cool part of the movie is over, but I really had big problems

[9:06] with this opening action sequence.

[9:08] Not only is it incomprehensible in the way it's shot, but like it expects you to

[9:14] care right away about what's happening when you're baffled by these cities.

[9:19] I feel like we already mentioned the Matrix.

[9:21] The Matrix starts out with a big action sequence where you don't really understand what's going

[9:25] on, but you understand enough in that it's like, okay, this woman needs to get away from

[9:29] these people.

[9:31] And then when weird stuff starts happening, you have these cops around who are like, what

[9:36] the fuck?

[9:37] Like acknowledging that it's weird.

[9:39] Like here, it's like, I don't care about these people right off the bat.

[9:41] I don't know what's going on with these fucking cities.

[9:43] Why do you assume I'm going to be thrilled by this action sequence?

Elliott Kalan

[9:46] Hey, all you know is the little city is being eaten by a big city.

[9:48] It's the circle of life.

[9:49] What are you going to do?

Stuart Wellington

[9:50] You're like, why does this remind me so much of the Pirates of Dark Water?

Elliott Kalan

[9:55] And as we've all known, we learned what the mortal engines are.

[9:58] Which are?

Stuart Wellington

[9:59] The god machines of the Adeptus Titanicus.

Elliott Kalan

[10:02] Yeah.

[10:02] Well, the mortal engine we realize now is our own heart, which will eventually stop beating

[10:07] and we're wasting its time watching this movie.

[10:10] Now, so you're in lockdown because we're about to meet the hero of the movie and I know you're

[10:16] going to love him.

[10:16] He works at the British Museum.

[10:18] He's a clumsy eccentric who's very handsome.

[10:20] I would call him like a blander Eddie Redman.

[10:22] His name's Tom Natsworthy.

[10:25] And he has a collection of dangerous old tech that he keeps hidden so nobody can use it.

[10:29] And also minions.

[10:30] And he also, they have, there's a hilarious joke where there's some minion statues and

[10:34] people think that they are deities from the old worlds.

[10:37] So here's what I don't understand.

[10:38] They have video of the 60 minute war.

[10:43] They wear the same clothes.

[10:45] They have the old tech.

[10:47] Why do they think the minions were gods when they should have a copy of, at the very least,

[10:52] Despicable Me 3 on hand?

[10:53] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[10:54] I will go you one better.

[10:55] You talked about how everything was like, is steampunk in this world?

[10:58] And it does not make any sense to me.

[11:00] It's like, after the apocalypse, why isn't everything just like cobbled together from various

[11:04] shit instead of like, you've got airships at the end of the movie that's like, okay,

[11:08] I guess Leonardo da Vinci designed this.

[11:11] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[11:12] Why is basically everyone in this movie British?

[11:15] Yeah.

[11:15] Like, did they not get blasted by the Medusas?

Elliott Kalan

[11:19] That's one of the weird things is London is, they're in Europe and they're like, we never

[11:23] should have come to Europe.

[11:24] But everyone they meet is British for the most part.

[11:27] But at the very end, they meet a Chinese person.

[11:30] Yeah.

[11:31] So there's that.

[11:32] But Dan, I think you're forgetting that after the apocalypse, I'll tell you one thing

[11:36] the Medusa can't destroy.

[11:37] Humanity is an innate need for style.

[11:39] Okay.

[11:40] So why should I be in some crappy old airship when I can be in one that looks to the past,

[11:45] but at the same time also looks to the future?

[11:47] I call it the Da Vinci 5000.

[11:49] It's retro, real retro.

[11:51] You might even call it a renaissance in airline design.

[11:54] Let me take you apart.

[11:55] The Da Vinci 5000 has the latest state-of-the-art old stuff that we found in the remnants of the

[12:00] old cities and put together in some big heap of junk.

[12:02] But at the same time, it's got modern day amenities.

[12:05] Now, modern day is after the apocalypse.

[12:07] So those amenities include Twinkies, which we'll see later have survived, and also minion

[12:12] statues.

[12:12] So the great thing about the Da Vinci 5000 or 6000, I can't remember what number I gave this

[12:17] model number, is that it comes with minion statues.

[12:19] Dan, how do you feel about the minions?

Stuart Wellington

[12:21] Now, I want to jump in here.

[12:22] Before I purchase this, you know, before I put cash on the barrelhead, or quirks, as they

[12:27] call it.

Elliott Kalan

[12:27] Okay, we got a customer.

[12:28] I love it.

[12:28] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[12:29] As our currency is called quirks, which is appropriate since this movie is filled with

[12:33] them.

[12:36] Oh, man.

[12:38] So before I do that, I'm in possession of a cassette tape that my mom made me.

[12:44] It's a mix.

[12:44] It's filled with 70s rock and roll.

[12:46] She gave it to me before she died from alien cancer.

[12:48] Is there any way that I could play this in the Da Vinci 6000 or whatever you called

[12:53] it?

Elliott Kalan

[12:54] You are in luck.

[12:55] Oh, really?

[12:56] Because we actually have, yes, we have a tape player.

[13:00] It doesn't work, but it looks cool.

[13:02] And if you find the parts that would make it work, I'm sure you could install them, too.

[13:07] And then you can bop around to your mom's favorite 70s hits.

[13:09] Let's call it like 70s Awesome Mix Volume 1.

[13:12] Volume 2, of course, you'll save for the sequel.

[13:15] But when you meet up with your alien buddies or perhaps when you read your dad's book about

[13:19] how love came from the stars in the form of Darth Vader or something, then you'll enjoy

[13:25] it really much.

[13:26] So how much can I ask you to pay me for this?

[13:28] How much can I ask you to pay for this?

[13:29] Wait, there's no person.

[13:30] I can ask him to pay anything.

[13:32] You have the power.

[13:34] And remember, he's paying in quirks.

[13:35] Oh, and you're paying me in quirks.

[13:36] So that's one quirk is worth what?

[13:38] Like a piece of turkey?

[13:39] I don't understand.

S4

[13:40] Well, it's one eccentricity.

[13:41] So he could start wearing a bowler hat everywhere he goes.

[13:43] Oh, wow.

Elliott Kalan

[13:44] That's true.

[13:44] So yeah, you're going to have to pay me by looking like a character from another movie

[13:48] who's been ported into this movie, as we'll see later on.

[13:50] Okay, so we meet this guy, Tom Natsworthy.

[13:53] He's talking to Kate, a pretty woman who is looking for information on the 60-minute war.

[13:58] I don't know that we ever find out why.

[14:00] It's basically just so that she can meet Tom.

[14:02] And Tom tells her, as he tells everybody, he always wanted to be an aviator, but he couldn't

[14:07] for some reason.

[14:08] That is never fully defined, as far as I can remember.

[14:10] And so now he's an apprentice historian.

[14:12] So Tom and Kate, or sorry, Tim and Kate.

[14:15] No, Tom.

[14:15] Plus eight.

[14:16] Tom or Tim?

[14:16] Tom.

[14:17] What?

[14:18] Plus eight.

[14:18] Yeah, Tim and Kate plus eight.

[14:21] I think it's Tom, right?

[14:22] Tom.

[14:23] Is it Tom?

[14:24] Tom Natsworthy or something.

[14:25] Tom Natsworthy.

[14:26] There we go.

[14:26] Or Natsworthy, it could be.

[14:28] Look, he's more worthy of a nose than a neck.

[14:30] Let's just say that.

[14:30] Oh, wow.

[14:31] High praise.

[14:32] Like the old saying goes.

[14:34] Like the old saying goes, better a nose than a gnat.

[14:37] Better a gnat than a cat.

[14:38] Better a cat than a hat.

[14:40] Better a hat than a nose.

[14:41] The circle of life continues.

[14:44] Tom goes to where they're processing this city that just got eaten stuff, and he impresses

[14:48] Thaddeus Valentine by identifying an old toaster.

[14:51] And we learn that Thaddeus Valentine is Kate's dad.

[14:54] Her name is Kate Valentine.

[14:55] We also meet Tom's friend, Bevis, who's kind of a frost-tipped maintenance dude.

[14:59] And he's kind of the Stuart Wellington of the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[15:00] Yeah, he's pretty cool and kind of always underfoot, you know?

Elliott Kalan

[15:05] Yeah, he's always there when you least expect it.

[15:07] And then he disappears for most of the end of the movie.

[15:11] So in that way, he's kind of like the Dan, too.

[15:13] Oh!

[15:14] Anyway, so...

[15:14] Oh, wow.

[15:15] Fair enough.

[15:16] And they find in all this old tech a dangerous fusion inverter cell.

[15:20] And Valentine is like, I'll take that so it can be destroyed and not misused.

[15:23] And you're like, guys, don't give that dangerous tech to Hugo Weaving.

[15:26] He's obviously the bad guy.

[15:28] And the only thing that'd be worse is if his boss, Max von Sydow, showed up and took it from him.

[15:33] Okay, so the red bandana lady from earlier, she finally makes her appearance.

[15:36] She jumps out and she stabs Hugo Weaving.

[15:38] And she goes, this is for Pandora Shaw.

[15:40] That's right.

[15:41] We're learning the name of a character we haven't met yet before the names of characters we have met.

[15:45] Thanks, Mortal Engines.

[15:47] And Tom chases her around and they run through the giant chainsaw factory that's breaking up the city that got eaten.

Stuart Wellington

[15:53] I'm glad that he takes the initiative on this one.

[15:56] That he's like, fuck it.

[15:58] There's trained professionals here.

[16:00] There's guards whose only job is to prevent people from causing any violence.

[16:04] Instead, I'm going to chase after this person.

Elliott Kalan

[16:07] Like, most of my job is to polish an old minion statue.

[16:10] But no, it's time for me to take down this would-be assassin.

[16:12] And jump among the chainsaws.

[16:14] Yeah, and jump through the chainsaws.

[16:15] Just like the old Metallica song, jump into the chainsaws.

[16:18] Now, Dan, Stu, how did you guys feel about this giant chainsaw level?

[16:22] Did you think it was just there for the Mortal Engines video game that I assume was being developed?

[16:26] But I don't know if it was ever released.

[16:28] You've got to duck.

[16:29] You've got to jump.

[16:30] Jump to the left.

Dan McCoy

[16:30] I mean, all I know is like for-

[16:32] It's the controller tutorial.

[16:34] Yeah.

[16:34] For a post-apocalyptic world, they are doing pretty well.

[16:37] Because they have figured out how to put entire cities on treads and move them around.

[16:42] And they've got giant chainsaw rooms.

[16:43] I mean, like for some place that's supposed to be low on resources, they have done some crazy shit.

Elliott Kalan

[16:50] They are wasting a lot of resources.

[16:52] It's a system that makes no sense.

[16:54] Yeah.

[16:54] But good thing, it's also boring.

[16:57] So don't worry.

[16:59] You won't have time to answer those questions because, or ask them.

[17:03] Because this woman, this mystery woman, gives Tom a cryptic warning, then jumps down into what is essentially the city's anus.

[17:09] And where all the waste material goes.

[17:11] And it's kind of implied that she is in danger by doing that.

[17:15] And then Thaddeus shows up and Tom's like, oh, this woman said that you're a bad dude.

[17:19] And Thaddeus is like, yep.

[17:20] And he shoves Tom into the same city anus.

[17:23] And he falls to, we assume, maybe his death.

[17:25] But guess who saw the whole thing?

[17:29] Bevis.

[17:29] Oh, yeah.

[17:30] And he's going to go home to his friend, Bethead, and tell him all about it while they watch 90s MTV music videos.

Stuart Wellington

[17:37] You know, that's it.

[17:40] That's all I got.

Elliott Kalan

[17:43] That's all you got.

[17:44] That's all the movie deserves.

[17:45] I called Bevis the Stuart Wellington of the movie.

[17:47] What would you have done in this situation?

[17:48] You just saw a friend of yours get pushed to maybe his death into the city's butt by the man who runs the city.

[17:55] Who is conveniently not surrounded by anybody, even though he was just stabbed.

[17:59] So what would you do with that information?

[18:01] What would you do?

Stuart Wellington

[18:02] Obviously, what I would have done is I would have pulled out my hoverboard and surfed down into that butt.

[18:08] To help my friend.

[18:09] Because I don't want to be stuck in this boring city anymore.

Elliott Kalan

[18:13] All right.

[18:13] And Brendan, what would you have done in that situation?

S4

[18:17] I think the 90s music videos actually sounds like a pretty good option.

[18:20] Just to go back there and just, you know, numb the pain of watching my best friend having been murdered with a little bit of Metallica's 1.

Elliott Kalan

[18:28] Okay.

[18:29] Sure.

[18:29] Yeah.

[18:29] All right.

[18:30] And Dan, you do it too.

[18:33] You just saw your best friend get, or maybe.

[18:36] I actually don't know how good of friends they are.

[18:38] They just bumped into each other.

[18:39] Like, there are plenty of people where if I was with a girl and I bumped into them, I'd introduce them.

[18:44] But it's not like they're my bestie or something.

[18:46] Dan, what would you have done in this situation?

[18:47] Actually, let's say you're Thaddeus Valentine.

[18:49] Because you have a beard too, just like him.

[18:51] Yeah.

[18:52] Would you kill this nice boy just to keep your secret that you're maybe evil?

Dan McCoy

[18:57] Sure, man.

[18:57] What do I have to lose?

[18:58] I've just been stabbed by this lady.

[19:01] Like, no one else is around.

Stuart Wellington

[19:02] And Tom Nanceworthy's pretty boring.

Dan McCoy

[19:05] I want to, like, zap the world with my Medusa ray.

[19:08] Spoiler alert.

[19:09] So I don't think that this one kid is going to get in my way.

Elliott Kalan

[19:13] Okay, fair point.

[19:13] I mean, he does later, spoiler alert, as we'll see, blow up an entire prison full of people to release one zombie mechano assassin.

[19:20] But okay.

[19:20] Thaddeus, Valentine, he's like the traction cities can't live in peace with the static cities.

[19:26] Especially this big eastern city called Shanguo, which has a big wall around it.

[19:30] I thought Shanguo was the person who ran that.

[19:33] It might be the same.

[19:35] Fair enough.

[19:35] The same way that, like, in Star Wars, sometimes a name applies to both a race and a planet and a person.

[19:40] Oh, sure.

Elliott Kalan

[19:40] Yeah.

[19:41] I think he's the mayor of Shanguo.

[19:42] This is yet another thing that's not explained.

Dan McCoy

[19:44] Like, why, like, mobile cities and stationary cities hate each other and, like, what side we're, like, really supposed to be on.

[19:53] Probably jealousy.

[19:53] Take Hugo Weaving out of the equation.

[19:55] Like, why they hate each other and, like, why one is better than the other or more evil.

Stuart Wellington

[20:01] Yeah.

[20:01] I mean, it's very weird.

[20:04] It's weird that, like, people are super, like, Hugo Weaving's nervous that it's going to get out that he murdered somebody who we don't even know yet.

[20:12] Yeah.

[20:12] Because, like, this city just ate another city.

[20:15] Uh-huh.

[20:16] Like, I feel like these people wouldn't give that much of a shit.

Dan McCoy

[20:20] Yeah.

[20:20] I mean, and also.

[20:21] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[20:21] He could just be like, oh, yeah, well, the person I murdered lived in a static city.

[20:26] So, of course, duh, she had to die.

Dan McCoy

[20:28] And they'd be like, oh, yeah, yeah.

[20:30] Maybe the fact that we don't know why they hate each other is meant as some sort of, like, allegory against the meaningless of war.

[20:35] Because right now it really feels like a star belly, non-star belly sneetch situation where it's like, I guess one's better than the other because they think it is.

Elliott Kalan

[20:44] Yeah.

[20:44] And, well, as we see later on, Morgan Spurlock has them do a 90-day swap where they change lives for 90 days.

[20:49] Oh, wow.

[20:50] And they realize they're not so different after all.

[20:51] It's a very surprising ending to this blockbuster science fiction adventure movie that a hologram of Morgan Spurlock has them switch places.

[20:59] And also then he supersizes himself and becomes a giant, eats the planet.

[21:04] Oh, wow.

[21:05] And everyone there is like, aren't you problematic for some reason that I forget but kind of remember reading about?

[21:10] And Morgan is like, it's because I unknowingly sexually harassed my assistant.

[21:14] And we're like, oh, of course.

[21:15] That's why it is.

[21:16] But only for 30 days.

[21:18] Yeah, yeah.

[21:18] They go, Spurlock him up and Spur throw away the Spur key.

[21:22] Yep.

[21:22] Wait, who said that?

[21:23] The police?

[21:25] Yeah, yeah.

[21:26] The police.

[21:27] Just Sting.

[21:28] Just Sting Solo said it.

[21:29] Not the whole police.

[21:31] So don't worry, Dan.

[21:33] You'll find out why they hate each other.

[21:34] Because they hate each other because it's a movie.

[21:37] So Kate, his daughter, disagrees.

[21:39] We can live in peace.

[21:40] And he gets a phone call from the Lord Mayor of London who's like, Thaddeus, your big energy plan isn't done yet.

[21:46] Hub, hub, hub, hub, hub, hub.

[21:48] And pretty soon Kate and Bevis are suspicious about Hugo Weaving's true intentions.

[21:51] Because why wouldn't you be?

[21:52] He's Hugo Weaving.

[21:53] Anyway.

[21:54] Meanwhile, Tom and the Red Bandana Lady, they're walking around in this wasteland of the future.

[21:59] Inside the giant train tracks or tank treads of the cities.

[22:05] And we learn that she's Hester Shaw, daughter of Pandora Shaw.

[22:08] Because in the future, there are people who have dumb first names and people who have regular first names.

[22:13] And the Toms and Kates and the Pandoras and Hesters are in civil war with each other.

[22:19] And she teaches city boy Tom how to drink mud and eat Twinkies.

[22:22] Which are kind of the same thing in a way.

[22:24] Guys, that's a real hot take.

[22:26] How do you respond to that?

S4

[22:28] I want to say that we as a culture need to come up with a new shorthand for food that will survive the apocalypse beyond Twinkies.

[22:35] I feel like we've been coasting on that for a very long time.

[22:38] Except maybe it's because I rewatched Zombieland recently.

[22:40] But I'm like, they have the Twinkies jokes there.

[22:42] I feel like everybody's like cockroaches and Twinkies.

[22:45] I mean, also because you could say other hostess products are probably going to last just as long.

[22:48] That would be great.

[22:49] And also, I see the stuff my children eat.

[22:51] There's a lot of that that will survive forever.

[22:53] So just Hollywood.

[22:54] Come on.

[22:55] Be Hollywood for once and pick a different item.

Dan McCoy

[22:57] I don't want to, you know, as a non-parent, I don't want to talk about your parenting.

[23:01] But it seems like you're in control of what your children eat to some degree.

[23:05] I wish that were true.

S4

[23:07] Halloween week has taught me nothing else.

[23:09] I am a mere pawn in all of this.

[23:11] They have long cons and wheels within wheels going on all around me on how to get sugar.

Elliott Kalan

[23:16] Yeah, yeah, it's truly cream.

[23:19] Candy rules everything around me.

[23:20] Oh, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[23:21] I also find that with children's hands being so close to the ground, they have a tendency to just scoop up stuff and toss them in their little mouths.

[23:28] Kind of like the city of London.

Elliott Kalan

[23:32] Yeah, my baby boy, who's 15 months today, he is very much a miniature city of London, just walking around, scooping things off the ground, throwing it in his gullet.

[23:41] I have to reach in and pull it out.

[23:43] And often it's like, best case scenario, it's an old Cheerio.

[23:46] Worst case scenario, it's a nail.

[23:48] Why is this on the ground?

[23:49] Well, it's from the mining colony he ate.

[23:51] Sure.

[23:51] Yeah, maybe that's it.

[23:52] Yeah.

[23:53] And inside his belly, you're saying there's a little Hugo Weaving who's holding up little old-fashioned toasters and occasionally pushing little Tom Noseworthy's at my son's butt.

[24:02] Yeah.

[24:04] And then I open up his diaper and there's just a little faux Eddie Redmayne in there going, hey, I gotta get back to London.

[24:10] And I squish him because I'm so scared.

Dan McCoy

[24:13] Much better movie.

[24:15] Much better movie.

[24:15] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[24:17] And then he radios back to Earth and goes, it's a planet of giants.

S4

[24:19] The Mortal Engines meet Dave.

Elliott Kalan

[24:21] Yeah.

[24:21] Oh, now, is it The Mortal Engines meet Dave?

S4

[24:24] Oh, yeah.

[24:25] Meet, meet Dave.

Elliott Kalan

[24:25] Because if you were to London to meet Dave, that would be the movie where Thaddeus Valentine is sick and a fake Thaddeus Valentine takes his place.

[24:32] And he's kind of a good guy and kind of a goofball.

[24:33] And suddenly he's like making friends with Shanguo.

[24:36] And everybody's like, we like Thaddeus Valentine a lot.

[24:39] Yeah.

[24:40] So Dan got up and left because he doesn't like it when I badmouth the movies Dave or Meet Dave.

Stuart Wellington

[24:47] We're just talking about your opinions on the movie Meet Dave, Dan.

[24:50] Now, it's an ironic name because in that movie, Dave is like a robot piloted by tiny guys.

[24:57] So he isn't actually made out of meat.

[25:00] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[25:01] I think we might have made that joke about 150 episodes ago on this very show.

Stuart Wellington

[25:05] Let me go back and listen.

Elliott Kalan

[25:07] Oh, boy.

[25:09] That's going to be a long episode.

[25:10] Episode one, stealth.

[25:12] Okay.

[25:13] So they get kids.

[25:14] So anyway, Tom and Pandora and Hester.

[25:16] I'm sorry, Pandora's her mom.

[25:17] Tom and Hester are walking around.

[25:18] They get kidnapped by a kind of vehicle with fake ground on it.

[25:21] And inside they get served tea and cookies because, of course, this is continental Europe and everybody is British.

[25:26] And Hester explains eventually that her mom was an archaeologist who found something Hugo wanted, a piece of old tech.

[25:32] And Hugo killed her for it and left Hester with a bunch of scars.

[25:36] And Hester was just roaming the wasteland as a kid.

[25:38] Hester obviously knows too much.

[25:40] So Thaddeus Valentine, he goes to this big ocean prison on spider legs out in the middle of the ocean to release Shrike, a leftover zombie automaton killer from the Lazarus Brigade who's obsessed with killing Hester for some reason.

[25:53] Stuart, was this when you went awesome and had to hide your boner from the movie?

Stuart Wellington

[25:58] I was like, I don't want the movie to see it or else the Shrike will take it off.

[26:03] I mean, this was one of those great scenes where like you're starting to wonder if every domicile or whatever in this, every building in this world is built in the most easily to be destroyed manner possible.

Elliott Kalan

[26:18] You mean it's a prison that's on spindly spider legs for some reason?

Stuart Wellington

[26:21] And I would think like taking a city and just slapping on some treads and having a fucking dune buggy around, like that's going to blow up.

[26:29] Like that's going to fuck up.

[26:31] Like there's no way that's going to survive.

[26:33] And then of course later on there's like a pirate colony that lives in the air and like one Shrike gets there and it's all fucked up.

Elliott Kalan

[26:40] There goes the neighborhood.

[26:42] So what you're saying is in the future people don't think ahead.

[26:44] I guess not.

Dan McCoy

[26:45] Yeah, I will say that there are like two characters in this movie that I found interesting at all.

[26:50] One was Hugo Weaving's character.

[26:53] Madison Kate.

[26:54] Valentine.

[26:55] Just because Hugo Weaving is charismatic, not because of any way that the part is written.

[27:02] And then Shrike here, who is...

Stuart Wellington

[27:05] Played by the cable of my heart, Stephen Lang.

Dan McCoy

[27:08] But he actually has the most...

[27:11] His story carries the most emotional weight over the course of the movie.

[27:15] Like the thing about this film is like I have no idea who any of these characters are or why I'm supposed to care about them.

[27:22] And...

[27:22] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[27:23] I think you've pinpointed the main issue with this movie is they did a lot of world building and they didn't do a lot of character.

[27:28] Yeah.

S4

[27:29] And Shrike has the only immediately understandable character goal.

[27:33] Yeah.

[27:33] Of like, oh, I raised this girl.

[27:35] I want to get her back.

Elliott Kalan

[27:36] Yeah.

[27:36] And of course, Dan, you were so excited because you're like, Shrike?

[27:39] This is a crossover with Dan Simmons' Hyperion novels?

[27:42] And you must have been so disappointed when you found out it was a different, unstoppable killer short.

Stuart Wellington

[27:46] And you're a big fan of Dan Simmons' Hyperion novels because, of course, his name is Dan and your name's Dan.

Dan McCoy

[27:52] I mean, I have read...

Stuart Wellington

[27:53] You also are not a fan of Resolution.

Dan McCoy

[27:55] Yeah.

[27:55] I have read a bunch of Dan Simmons novels, but not that one.

[27:59] Not those ones.

Elliott Kalan

[28:00] That's why your favorite skins are Dan skins.

Dan McCoy

[28:03] Uh-huh.

[28:04] And I like Dan Dan noodles.

[28:05] Yeah.

[28:05] His favorite yogurt is Dan and...

Elliott Kalan

[28:06] Dan and yogurt.

[28:08] Dan, whether Dan...

[28:08] Oh, yeah.

[28:09] Your favorite play is called Dan Yankees, but you thought it was called Dan Yankees for a long time.

Stuart Wellington

[28:14] And his favorite Disney animated movie that was later turned into a live-action movie is Aladdin.

Dan McCoy

[28:19] Now, you would think that I love Dan in real life, but I was very angry at it because there weren't a lot of pancakes in that movie.

[28:28] I feel like it was terrible.

[28:29] Yeah, you're right.

Elliott Kalan

[28:30] You thought it was the life story biopic of the inventor of the pancake pillow.

[28:34] The pillow you can eat.

[28:35] Why get out of bed?

[28:36] Have breakfast in bed with the pancake pillow.

[28:38] But no, you were wrong.

[28:39] But your favorite Scorsese movie is Kundan, right?

[28:42] The story of the Danny Lama.

[28:43] Yep.

[28:44] God damn it.

[28:45] No, God damn it.

[28:46] God damn it.

[28:48] So, anyway, so Thaddeus, he wants to free the Shrike from this prison, but he can't do it with anyone finding out he's involved.

[28:55] So he just gets in his helicopter and fires missiles at it until it blows up.

[29:00] And the Shrike, this is after Valentine goes to the prison, shows up, introduces himself, and goes to see the Shrike in person.

[29:07] So everyone, it just doesn't make sense.

[29:09] Why would he do all that?

[29:11] Hester and Tom, they're out in the wild lands.

[29:13] They're getting, they're in the wild ways.

[29:14] They're getting put up for a slave auction, but they're freed by, you guessed it, Anna Fang.

[29:19] Yep.

[29:20] A Matrix-style freedom fighter with little narrow sunglasses, and she's got a gun and a sword.

[29:26] And she has one of those big fights where all the bad guys try to attack her one by one.

[29:29] And she never runs out of bullets from her weird little pirate rifle shotgun.

Stuart Wellington

[29:33] Yeah, she has like a, she kind of has like a Vash the Stampede type thing going on from Trigun.

[29:38] Yeah.

[29:39] Like she's, and she's in, I mean, this is a-

Elliott Kalan

[29:41] In that she wears a coat that looks like it's made out of plastic.

Stuart Wellington

[29:43] Yeah, like a bright red, high-collared coat.

[29:45] She's got giant hair, and she's like spinning guns and stuff.

[29:49] And some-

[29:49] And her name's out of her, they might be giants.

[29:51] Exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[29:52] Oh, yeah.

[29:54] And so, Dan, this was obviously your favorite character, right, Anna Fang?

Dan McCoy

[29:58] You know, like, again, there's not really a lot of energy put into making this person interesting.

[30:08] She looks pretty cool, though.

[30:09] Yeah, but the idea was just, I think she's one of these people where-

[30:13] She's got those little sunglasses.

[30:14] Yes, but I think the idea for this character-

Stuart Wellington

[30:16] And everybody else is super, like, dirty and covered in dirt, but she's like, bright and fresh.

[30:22] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[30:22] And Dan, they did do the job of casting an Asian woman in the part, which this movie takes as a character.

Dan McCoy

[30:29] Like, well, we know who her character is.

[30:31] She's Asian.

[30:32] No, but what I was going to say was, like, it's one of these characters where they think it's cool just to make her steely all the time.

Elliott Kalan

[30:40] Yeah, like Steely Dan, your favorite fan.

[30:41] Because it's got Dan in the name.

Dan McCoy

[30:42] Yeah, and I'm a 41-year-old man.

[30:44] Yeah.

[30:46] Look, the Venn diagram fits.

Stuart Wellington

[30:48] It all overlaps.

[30:48] Yeah, you're either going to listen to Steely Dan or Dan Fogelberg.

[30:52] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[30:54] That's all I have to say about that.

[30:56] Wait, no, you didn't even finish.

[30:57] That was half the sentence that we interrupted you.

[30:59] Dan's texting someone.

Dan McCoy

[31:00] Well, I just thought, I mean, like, I got interrupted so much.

Elliott Kalan

[31:02] No, Dan, that's cool, because, no, I mean, you only have a limited amount of time to text, and we're going to be recording all day.

Dan McCoy

[31:09] Well, I mean, the fifth time I'm interrupted, I feel like what I'm trying to say is not actually valued by the group, so I gave up.

[31:16] Well, of course it's not.

[31:17] It's valued by me, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[31:18] Oh, that's what Brent Dan is.

[31:19] Okay.

[31:20] Because he values it, and he's your favorite co-host right now, because his name is Dan.

Dan McCoy

[31:23] No, it's just what I'm saying before, is, like, the characters are not developed.

[31:26] They're given one thing.

[31:28] Her thing is emotionless, which is the least interesting thing, so.

Elliott Kalan

[31:32] But she's, like, good at fighting and stuff.

[31:34] Yeah.

[31:36] Dan, I think you're going to like her a lot more, because she's about to take them on her airship to Airhaven,

[31:41] the floating pirate city staffed by young, attractive, multi-ethnic freedom fighters with goggles on their heads.

[31:48] Now, this is when we first start to see people who are not British in the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[31:51] Yeah, I was really hoping, like, Porco Rosso was going to show up, or.

Elliott Kalan

[31:57] I mean, that would have been amazing.

[31:59] I mean, at this point, this movie should just become Ready Player One and just be pulling in characters from other movies,

[32:04] since that's what they want so badly.

S4

[32:05] You just send Shrike and Porco Rosso off on an adventure together, and we're set.

Elliott Kalan

[32:08] That would be fantastic.

Dan McCoy

[32:09] Also, can I say that, like, every air city since Cloud City in Empire Strikes Back has had to have these kind of, like,

[32:18] like, basically electronic stalactites on the bottom of them, like antennae coming down the bottom.

[32:25] And, like, that's great.

[32:26] It's a great design.

[32:27] But why have we decided that that's the thing?

[32:30] You know, come on, do a different thing.

Elliott Kalan

[32:31] Yeah, why didn't you carry over the Ugnaughts?

Dan McCoy

[32:33] Yeah.

[32:33] More Ugnaughts, please.

[32:35] Which is kind of like Porco Rosso, basically.

[32:38] I mean, they're the Porco Rosso's of the Star Wars universe.

Elliott Kalan

[32:41] Let me, a true story.

[32:42] Oh, man.

[32:43] I was showing Sammy Empire Strikes Back, and he could not wait for the Ugnaughts to be on.

[32:47] And I think he was disappointed that they have relatively little screen time.

[32:51] And when they're there, they're unpleasant.

[32:54] And they're also very, they're very unpleasant.

[32:57] And they're basically like, if you met an Oompa Loompa in real life, you'd be like, whoa, this is weird.

[33:04] This guy is not cool.

[33:05] And do you think the Ugnaughts are singing in their own language?

S4

[33:07] They are.

[33:08] So to pull back the curtain on detours, weirdly enough, we, yes, the Ugnaughts very much are singing in their own language.

[33:15] Okay.

[33:15] We did an entire episode where it was, the Ugnaughts are basically the most obnoxious species, according to George Lucas.

[33:20] They were intended to be aggressive and obnoxious.

[33:22] So we did an episode about how they're really shitty roommates.

[33:25] And what they're actually trying to talk about is their ska band.

[33:28] I'm not kidding you.

[33:29] This actually is an episode of TV that will never air.

Elliott Kalan

[33:31] Man, I want to see it so badly.

[33:34] Guys, we're going to have to break into the Lucasfilm vault and steal that stuff, along with the original Salacious Grump puppet from my own person.

[33:42] The original Howard the Duck is in there, too.

[33:45] It's all been bought by Disney?

Stuart Wellington

[33:47] Oh, no, no.

[33:47] It's all up in San Rafael in Northern California.

[33:50] So, Dan, I think it's finally time for you to break out that pair of stretchy pants you bought from the entrapment costume and set sale.

Elliott Kalan

[34:00] When they were auctioning off all the props and costumes for entrapment.

[34:04] And Dan was like, if they can make Kath Rosada Jones' butt look that good, they'll do wonders on my butt.

[34:09] And it's like, Dan, her butt already looks great.

[34:11] I don't understand.

[34:11] You don't know how butts work.

[34:13] He's like, I thought it was the lasers.

Stuart Wellington

[34:15] That did that.

Elliott Kalan

[34:17] That was, we've talked about it many years ago on the podcast, how amazing it is that that movie was essentially sold on one shot of a main actress's butt.

[34:25] That was the shot in the, I'm surprised that wasn't the poster.

[34:29] It was just her butt under a laser beam.

[34:32] Which brings me to a movie pitch, guys.

[34:35] Oh, yeah.

[34:35] It's called Laser Butt.

[34:38] You'd think it's about someone who can fart lasers and you'd be right.

[34:41] Now, who should we cast in this movie?

[34:43] It's not a comedy.

[34:43] Keep in mind.

[34:44] It's a tense political thriller.

S4

[34:46] Catherine Zeta-Jones is age appropriate now to be the mentor figure.

[34:49] Okay.

[34:49] Who trains the younger chosen laser butt.

Elliott Kalan

[34:51] Okay.

[34:52] But who would be the young laser butt?

[34:53] Dan, you're a perv.

Dan McCoy

[34:54] Well, I don't have an answer for this, but as long as we're talking about butts, I do want to say, spoiler alert, at the end of this movie, Hugo Weaving gets crushed by his own city.

[35:05] And my girlfriend turned to me and was like, so if you had an ironic death, what would it be?

[35:11] And I'm like, probably crushed by a giant butt.

[35:13] Mm-hmm.

[35:14] Yeah.

[35:15] Ironic death or the death you chose?

[35:18] Yeah, a little from column A, a little from column B.

[35:21] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[35:22] So, anyway, we're going to learn, other in Airhaven, and we learn the story of how Shrike found Hester as a girl, raised her, and she promised that one day he could make her into a robot like him.

[35:31] And then she decided, I don't want to be a robot.

[35:33] And she left and he got mad.

[35:34] Shrike attacks Airhaven.

[35:36] You know it's going to happen.

[35:36] There's a big fight.

[35:37] And it ends when Shrike sees that Hester loves Tom and forgives her and gives her a locket from her mom and shuts down while remembering his memories of her as a child.

[35:46] And this all happens just in time for it to be too late because Airhaven is crashing and on fire.

Dan McCoy

[35:50] Yeah, it's like, why don't you have this realization that you're going to turn good before you destroy this whole city?

[35:56] Yeah.

[35:57] And also, it's one of those things.

[35:57] No, go on.

[35:58] Sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[35:59] No, no.

[35:59] It's just that he notices that they're in love in the way of, like, similar to the principle noticing that that girl is in real trouble in the Book of Henry.

[36:07] Where he just kind of looks into her eyes and, like, sees her emotions straight through.

Dan McCoy

[36:11] Well, this was another thing that made me really angry while watching the movie where I'm just like, what have we been given to show these two being in love other than the fact that they are the male and female leads of a movie?

[36:23] Like, she kind of warms to him in that she doesn't let him die over the course of the film.

[36:29] But there's another thing that shows that they, like, have some sort of connection.

Stuart Wellington

[36:32] Well, yeah, she could have cut him loose when he was hanging from a rope.

[36:36] But instead, she threw the knife to him.

[36:37] Yeah, I guess that's love, guys.

[36:39] And the power of love allowed him to catch it.

[36:41] Yeah.

[36:42] Yeah.

[36:43] Now, don't you think she would suffer some kind of consequences from these air pirates for, like, knowing that this Shrike dude was chasing her and she led him right to Airhaven and then Airhaven was exploded?

Elliott Kalan

[36:56] You'd think so.

[36:57] But they don't even have time to talk about that because, uh-oh, Thaddeus found Tom's cache of old tech and he's used it to rebuild the Medusa.

[37:04] And it turns out when he killed Hester's mom, the tech she found was the Medusa control system.

[37:09] Oh, no.

[37:10] He's got it working.

[37:11] He kills the Lord Mayor of London with just an Uzi.

[37:13] Yeah.

[37:14] And he doesn't even have a cool catchphrase line, right?

S4

[37:18] It's actually shockingly graphic and direct, that execution.

[37:21] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[37:21] Yeah.

[37:22] Especially, well, it is Mortal Engines.

[37:24] You know what?

[37:25] When the movie's got Mortal in the title, you know there's probably going to be combat.

[37:28] And it's going to be spelled with a K and that K stands for a home run.

[37:32] I assume he's going to freeze the room, not judge.

[37:34] Oh, yeah.

[37:35] So, guys, what Mortal Kombat characters would you wish were in the movie?

[37:38] Maybe instead of Strike or Shrike.

[37:40] Strike is not the character in the movie.

Dan McCoy

[37:42] I was more of a Street Fighter guy, so I actually don't know the Mortal Kombat characters.

[37:45] Cool.

[37:46] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[37:46] You're more into, like, spacing and poking and all that sort of stuff.

Dan McCoy

[37:50] It's just a true fact about me.

[37:53] I'm just saying.

Elliott Kalan

[37:53] No, no, it is the most Dan moment for me to be like, hey, what's the character from a video game you like as a goof?

[38:00] And you're like, um, no, and I don't know that video game.

[38:04] But I don't know the character.

[38:04] What am I supposed to say?

[38:05] I mean, dude, there's a guy named Raiden in it.

Dan McCoy

[38:07] All right, I'll make up one.

[38:10] Strike knife is my favorite.

Stuart Wellington

[38:13] Well, I mean, there is a guy named Striker.

[38:16] Maybe that's who Dan's talking about.

[38:18] And you're a Scorpion who throws a strike knife.

[38:19] That's actually true, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[38:20] Wait, is Ice Sub-Zero?

[38:23] Ice Sub-Zero, yep, that's a character.

[38:25] Yep, he's one of the originals.

[38:26] His name.

[38:27] Yeah, okay.

[38:27] He's one of the OGs of MK.

[38:29] Yeah, yeah.

S4

[38:30] I'll go with Goro.

[38:31] What is it?

[38:31] Goro is the...

[38:32] Goro.

[38:32] Goro, because everything should have forearms.

[38:34] It's just more fun that way.

[38:36] So, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[38:36] Yeah, and I'm going to go with new Cybot.

Elliott Kalan

[38:38] That's his tagline.

[38:39] I mean, I do have forearms.

[38:41] I don't know what you're talking about.

[38:42] Everything's more fun with forearms.

[38:44] Oh, yeah, Dan, you have forearms.

[38:46] On your arms.

[38:48] Anyway.

[38:48] Yeah.

[38:49] That's a pun, guys.

[38:51] Yeah.

[38:52] So, anyway, he's got that Medusa working, and now he's going to attack Shang Guo.

[38:55] Shang Guo turns out to be kind of this vaguely Pan-Asian kind of tailspin, only angels have

[39:00] wings, 1930s Temple of Doom, early scenes type place.

[39:04] And the mayor of Shang Guo is like a wise old man in robes with some kind of magic amulet

[39:10] that I kept assuming was going to shoot lasers, but maybe it was just he won in the Olympics.

[39:14] I don't know.

[39:15] In the last Olympics before the 60-minute war.

[39:16] There's a big fight between London and the Shang Guo air fleet, which is made up of, as Dan said,

[39:21] a lot of crazy old Da Vinci helicopters and 30s seaplanes and things like that.

[39:26] And this scene, it should be really cool, right, guys?

Stuart Wellington

[39:30] Well, I mean, it's just him blasting the walls with a giant laser, right?

[39:36] Uh-huh.

[39:36] I mean, it's basically just like the opening of Empire Strikes Back, right?

Elliott Kalan

[39:43] Yeah.

[39:44] Oh, well, we're going to get to see the closing of both Empire Strikes Back and Return of the

[39:47] Jedi later, so it makes sense.

[39:49] So Hester realizes, Mom's Locket, it has the shutdown key for the Medusa system in it.

Stuart Wellington

[39:55] How has she not found this before now?

Elliott Kalan

[39:58] Well, Shrike had the amulet for a while, I think.

[40:00] Oh, okay, right.

[40:01] But it does take her a long time to open it up until that point.

[40:04] What the fuck?

Dan McCoy

[40:04] Why does she have a fucking locket with this in it?

[40:10] Like, why?

Elliott Kalan

[40:12] To keep it out of the hands of Thaddeus Valentine, the villain.

S4

[40:15] I give all of my weapons keys to my children in jewelry.

[40:19] It is a very time-tested parenting method.

Dan McCoy

[40:22] You'll understand when you have kids.

[40:23] 20 to 30 years ago, Hugo Weaving was like, oh, someday I want to use a Medusa thing,

[40:29] and I realized that this could shut it down, so I got to get it away from this woman,

[40:34] and I'll burn the house down and injure her daughter in the course of getting it back,

[40:39] because I need it for some-

Elliott Kalan

[40:41] I don't think he knows that the shutdown key exists.

[40:43] Okay, like-

[40:44] It's more like she- I got to keep this away from Hugo Weaving.

[40:47] I better give it to a child, because out of the mouths of babes, he becomes mostly vomit.

Dan McCoy

[40:51] But why does she know it's a thing that needs to be kept from Hugo Weaving?

[40:54] Why does Hugo Weaving-

[40:55] Like, what is going on?

[40:56] Because he's Hugo Weaving, Dan.

[40:57] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[40:59] She's like, weren't you the Red Skull?

[41:00] And he's like, yes, but they didn't give me much to do with the character.

[41:03] So I didn't come back.

Dan McCoy

[41:04] They got a look-alike for later on.

[41:07] It sounded like-

Stuart Wellington

[41:08] But man, he does that accent so well in that movie.

[41:11] Oh man, it's like a weird Austrian-specific accent.

[41:13] That's great.

Elliott Kalan

[41:14] So Thaddeus-

[41:16] Oh, what were you going to say, Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[41:17] Yeah, I mean, I'm going to jump ahead to one of the later reveals, of course, that Thaddeus Valentine is Hester Shaw's father, which should surprise no one.

[41:28] Especially her.

[41:29] She should be like, oh yeah, of course, that makes sense.

[41:32] But it seems, then looking back, it's like, wow, they jump to murdering each other super fast.

[41:39] Yeah.

[41:40] In the scene where they're remembering them finding the Medusa control box, and then they immediately start setting stuff on fire and blasting each other in the face.

Elliott Kalan

[41:50] Yeah.

[41:50] I mean, that's the special relationship that dads and daughters have.

[41:53] And Brendan, as the father-daughter, someday you'll have that, where you're both trying to kill each other, Clouseau and Cato style.

S4

[41:59] I won't-

[42:00] It's not a someday.

[42:01] I believe I currently have that with my twin daughters.

[42:03] Oh, wow.

Elliott Kalan

[42:03] I mean, it starts, yeah, with them leaving out little toys for you to trip on.

S4

[42:06] Exactly.

[42:07] Surprising me by jumping on me to wake me up in the middle of the night.

[42:10] Sure, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[42:10] That's terrible.

[42:11] Yeah.

S4

[42:12] No, they know that the only way to prevent me trying to murder them and their mother later is to try to murder me first.

[42:18] So, I mean, it tracks.

[42:19] Yeah.

[42:19] That's, I mean-

[42:20] It's the airtight plotting of this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[42:21] I think that's all in Paul Reiser's book about being a parent.

[42:26] Exactly, yeah.

S4

[42:28] Mortal fatherhood.

Elliott Kalan

[42:29] Mortal fatherhood.

[42:30] So, anyway, the Shanguo fleet, it's too late.

[42:34] Medusa blows up the wall.

[42:35] So many CGI buildings destroyed.

[42:37] The air pilots take Hester to shut down Medusa.

[42:40] Well, Tom takes a ridiculously long time to change his jacket into an aviator's jacket.

[42:45] And it's like they're getting on the plane to leave and he's still slowly reaching out to take this jacket.

[42:51] He will, of course, live his dream of being an aviator even though I think he has no experience flying.

S4

[42:55] Yeah, which I was going to say, by the way, just as a quick digression bump me, that was ridiculous that all the characters treated this as like, you finally get to be the aviator, Tom.

[43:03] I'm like, no, this was a childhood interest I took it as.

[43:06] Like, I wanted to be a vet.

[43:08] I shouldn't perform surgery on a cat.

Elliott Kalan

[43:10] Like, that was a terrible, terrible thing.

[43:12] Sometimes we get to live our childhood dreams.

[43:15] When I was a kid, I wanted to leave my house.

[43:18] And I did eventually.

[43:19] Wow, all right, fair enough.

[43:19] Yeah, so I wanted to run away.

[43:21] And the way I ran away was I grew up.

[43:23] You know, isn't growing up a little bit kind of running away from your past?

[43:27] Dan, have you ever ran away from something?

[43:30] Because there's a tiger right behind you.

[43:35] It's okay.

[43:36] It's Tony the tiger.

[43:37] He just wants to serve you some Frosted Flakes.

[43:38] Oh, okay.

[43:39] But right behind him is a cheetah.

[43:41] Oh, it's okay.

[43:42] It's just a cheetah.

Dan McCoy

[43:43] He just wants to give you some delicious Cheetos.

[43:44] But right behind him is a lion.

[43:46] I don't know how to feel about it after those last two ones.

Elliott Kalan

[43:51] This is a fucking real lion, Dan.

[43:53] You got to run.

[43:54] No, just kidding.

[43:55] He just wants to tell you about the MGM UA Library of Film Titles.

[43:59] And that Ars Gratis Artis.

[44:02] But watch out.

[44:03] Behind him, there's an alligator.

[44:04] Okay.

[44:04] Well, I'm just sort of tired of this.

Dan McCoy

[44:06] Think of possible alligators it can be.

[44:10] Let's see.

[44:10] Is it Albert Alligator from Pogo?

[44:13] That's a weird one, but okay.

Elliott Kalan

[44:15] It was Albert Alligator.

[44:16] You're right.

[44:16] He's smoking a little cigar stub, and he's got a little hat on sometimes.

[44:20] And he's talking in a dialect that I'm not sure if it's offensive now or not.

[44:23] But I certainly feel weird when I'm reading it out loud to my children.

Dan McCoy

[44:26] Yeah, I don't think it's meant to be like an ethnic thing.

[44:28] I think it's just, you know, dialect.

[44:31] Just meant.

[44:32] Like Pogo dialect.

[44:34] I think that's all it is.

Elliott Kalan

[44:35] Okay.

[44:36] Well, I'll tell people that when they get mad at me about it.

[44:38] Okay.

[44:38] So, Tom changes jacket.

[44:40] There's a big air fight.

[44:41] All these pilots we just met get killed.

[44:43] It's kind of like the end of Star Wars that way, where they're like, hey, remember all

[44:46] those characters you've been watching this whole movie?

[44:47] Forget about them.

[44:48] It's time for Porkins and Biggs and Red Five to take the center stage.

[44:54] Anna Fang has a hand-to-hand battle with Thaddeus Valentine, which ends with her dead.

[45:00] Uh-oh.

[45:00] Looks like the Fang got bitten.

[45:02] Hester, she plugs in the kill drive and stops the machine before it can fire again.

[45:06] And the people who lived outside the wall of Shang-Guo were like, too little, too late,

[45:09] Hester, but thanks.

[45:10] Appreciate it.

[45:11] And Kate shows up and she's mad at her dad.

[45:13] And her dad has now reached that level of movie villainhood where he no longer cares if

[45:16] he lives or dies.

[45:17] He just wants to destroy his enemies.

[45:19] So he's like, I'm going to smash London right into the wall to keep destroying it.

[45:22] And it's like, that's crazy.

[45:24] Why would you do that?

[45:25] Like, I don't understand.

[45:26] Thaddeus runs away.

[45:27] Hester catches up to him.

[45:28] And there's the reveal, as Stuart mentioned, that he's her dad.

[45:31] Meanwhile, Tom Tim, Natsworthy, he flies a plane into London's guts to blow up the gears

[45:36] to stop it and then flies out, followed by flame.

[45:39] They stole the endings of Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, as I mentioned.

[45:43] They put him into one movie.

[45:44] So this movie must be twice as good as either of those movies.

[45:47] Guys, do you agree with that movie math?

S4

[45:50] I mean, it checks out.

[45:51] Yeah.

[45:51] There is a remainder, but it mostly works.

Elliott Kalan

[45:56] How many Empire Strikes Backs do you think Mortal Engines is worth, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[46:00] One eighteenth of one.

Stuart Wellington

[46:04] Wow.

[46:04] I'm going to have to check the worldwide box office before I can tell you that one.

Elliott Kalan

[46:10] I mean, then it's actually probably like one one thousandth.

[46:12] But what about Return of the Jedi, Dan?

[46:15] One thirteenth.

[46:17] Okay.

[46:18] What about the Star Wars Holiday Special?

[46:19] Oh, boy.

Dan McCoy

[46:20] They're about par.

[46:21] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[46:22] Okay.

[46:23] Wow.

[46:24] Okay.

[46:25] Hester's dad, Thaddeus, is like, so let's just kill each other.

[46:29] That's what we're supposed to do, right?

[46:30] And Hester goes, no, I choose life.

[46:31] And she jumps onto the rope ladder to Tim's airship or whatever.

[46:35] And Hugo Weaving gets in his ship.

[46:37] Tim shoots down Hugo Weaving's ship with crashes.

[46:40] Hugo's okay.

[46:41] Tim immediately gets fucking bloodthirsty there.

Stuart Wellington

[46:43] He's like, you're fired.

[46:45] And then he shoots a missile out of him.

[46:48] I'm like, wow, you know, it takes a lot to kill a man.

[46:51] And he can look him right in the eyes from where he's shooting that missile.

[46:54] That's crazy.

[46:56] He's cold-blooded.

Elliott Kalan

[46:57] Especially weird after his girlfriend of a day is like, no, I won't kill you.

[47:02] And he's like, hey, babe, I'll take care of this one.

[47:05] Was she maybe like, no, no, he's my dad, he's my dad.

[47:07] Okay.

[47:07] Oh, boy.

[47:08] This is going to be awkward.

[47:10] And then, as mentioned, Hugo Weaving is crushed under London's tank treads.

[47:14] So ironic.

[47:16] London crawling.

[47:17] Did you say London crawling?

[47:19] I did.

[47:20] What I like is he said it so quiet because you were both proud of it and ashamed of it.

[47:24] And you're like, if they don't.

[47:24] I wasn't really sure I wanted to commit to it.

[47:26] If they don't like this, I can pretend I didn't say it.

[47:27] If they do like it, then I'm like, cool for saying it so little.

[47:31] Yeah, I guess London was crawling to the faraway town, Shanguo.

[47:35] Because war is declared and the Medusa rains down.

[47:39] Yeah.

[47:39] Calling to the underworld, which I assume would be the people who live in the tank treads.

[47:44] Get out of the cupboards, you boys and girls.

[47:46] The cupboards, of course, being Air Haven.

[47:48] Yeah, yeah.

[47:48] Or is it covers?

S4

[47:49] Get under the covers.

[47:51] Get under the covers.

[47:52] Oh, boy.

[47:52] Turns out I don't know the lyrics to London Calling as well as I thought.

[47:55] You went pretty far.

Elliott Kalan

[47:55] The point is Joe Strummer is trying to warn us.

[47:57] Yes, about Mortal Engines.

[47:59] Guys, Shanguo, the mayor is super cool.

[48:03] He's like, people of London, come and join us.

[48:05] And Tim and Hester, they kiss finally and fly off, planning to travel the world together.

[48:09] And we're left with some questions.

[48:11] Will the world of Mortal Engines be okay?

[48:13] Will someone else find the Medusa Drive?

[48:14] Will their two-day-old relationship survive being on a small plane with no bathroom?

[48:18] Or I assume weeks on end?

[48:20] I guess we'll find out in Mortal Legends 2 Summer Vacation.

[48:24] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[48:26] Let's just speed on to final judgments on this.

[48:30] Whether it's a good, bad...

[48:31] Let's drive our city tanks over to final judgments.

[48:33] It's a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or movie kind of like.

[48:35] I want to say...

[48:37] I'll start off.

[48:39] I feel like, actually, my girlfriend made the most salient critique of this while we were watching.

[48:44] And, you know, I mentioned her a lot, but we watched the movies together.

[48:47] So if she makes a good point, I want to pass it on.

[48:50] And it's...

Elliott Kalan

[48:52] This is an awful lot of backstory and explanation for what she's about to say.

Stuart Wellington

[48:57] What is this?

[48:57] The opening 20 minutes of Mortal Engines?

Dan McCoy

[49:01] Well, she made the point that, like...

[49:04] You know, this movie is obviously trying to be this big fantasy epic like a Star Wars or something like that.

[49:11] But what it doesn't realize is those movies don't actually have a ton of action overall.

[49:18] Like, a lot of it is the anticipation of action.

[49:22] Like, as the...

[49:23] You're saying they're edging us.

Elliott Kalan

[49:24] The Star Wars movies are edging us a lot of times.

Dan McCoy

[49:25] Well, like, they have less than kind of, like, you imagine.

[49:28] Like, as they go along, I think, like, each progressive sequel does have more action in it.

[49:35] But that's because you've already learned the world.

[49:37] You've learned the characters.

[49:38] So there's more room to just skip to that stuff.

[49:41] But, like, a lot of it is the anticipation of action.

[49:43] This has no anticipation of action.

[49:45] It, like, thinks that you want shit thrown at you every single second, which doesn't leave time.

[49:51] To learn about characters or their motivations.

[49:55] And I sort of assumed while watching it that this was a...

[50:00] As we've said, this is based on a series of young adult novels.

[50:04] And I sort of assumed it had so much plot.

[50:07] I was like, okay, they probably took multiple novels and boiled it down.

[50:11] And I looked on Wikipedia.

[50:12] I was reading summaries of the novels.

[50:14] I was like, no, this is basically the first book.

[50:16] They made a lot of changes in the second half.

[50:18] But it's basically the first book.

[50:19] And it's written by Fran Walsh and Philip O'Boyans.

[50:24] And I think maybe Peter Jackson himself.

[50:26] I'm not sure.

[50:27] But, like...

[50:27] The script is.

[50:28] The script.

[50:29] And, you know, obviously they're the team who did Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit.

[50:33] And people criticized the Hobbit for taking a fairly simple book and expanding it into three movies.

[50:40] This is one case where I wish they had taken one book and expanded it into three movies.

[50:45] Like, I actually wish they had done the same Hobbit thing here.

[50:47] Because there's so much shit going on.

[50:49] I think it would have worked better if it had more time to breathe.

[50:53] Yeah.

[50:53] Bad, bad is what I'm saying.

Stuart Wellington

[50:54] Yeah.

[50:54] When I was watching it, I was...

[50:55] Like, knowing that this is the first book in a series.

[50:59] And knowing it was made by...

[51:00] It was, you know, made by the people who made the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

[51:04] It made me think about, like, what makes...

[51:07] What was some of the things that made Fellowship of the Ring work so well

[51:10] as a first movie?

[51:11] And parts of it are, like...

[51:13] Aside from the opening, you don't have any other big battles.

[51:17] Like, you have some...

[51:18] Like, you have action sequences.

[51:19] But, like, it doesn't end with, like, a big, like, armies facing off against each other,

[51:24] blasting lasers at each other.

[51:26] And you...

[51:27] It does take the time to build the...

[51:29] Like, develop these characters.

[51:31] Also, part of the problem with this movie is so much of the just why.

[51:35] Like, why should I care about any of it or anybody?

[51:39] Like, what are their beliefs?

[51:41] What...

[51:42] Why...

[51:42] Should I care about the people of London?

[51:44] Should I hate them?

[51:45] Should I care about Hester Shaw?

[51:48] I mean, her only motivation is revenge.

[51:51] And that's a relatively thin motivation.

[51:54] And she...

[51:55] I don't know.

[51:57] No, you're right.

[51:57] Yeah.

[51:58] Like, it's...

[51:58] No, yeah, no, it's...

[51:59] It's all true.

Elliott Kalan

[52:00] Yeah.

[52:00] There's a lack of character and a lack of reason to like it.

[52:03] I'll mention...

[52:04] Dan, my wife was watching with me and Brennan, and she made an interesting comment, which

[52:07] was...

[52:08] She fell asleep about 30 minutes in.

Dan McCoy

[52:10] Well, I have to say, for once, I watched this in two parts, because we were watching it.

[52:15] I started falling asleep.

[52:17] And she was like, honey, we can watch this, the second half tomorrow if you gotta take

[52:22] a nap.

Elliott Kalan

[52:23] Very wise.

[52:24] You were just so worn out from all the excitement.

[52:26] So I'm gonna say that it's also Bad Bad.

[52:29] There's a lot of neat looking stuff in it, but it's...

[52:32] It's like they...

[52:33] Yeah.

[52:34] They forgot to give us characters or a plot that we would care about.

[52:38] Brendan, I know you're gonna say something different.

S4

[52:40] I'm gonna go out on a ledge here.

[52:41] No, it's Bad Bad.

[52:42] It's super boring.

[52:43] But my main hope or takeaway after it was, I wish a different Peter Jackson had shown

[52:48] up.

[52:49] I wish it was...

[52:50] Some other guy with the same name?

[52:51] Yeah.

[52:51] Absolutely.

[52:52] Give that guy a chance.

[52:54] No, but like the Peter Jackson of like Dead Alive.

[52:56] Of like Frighteners or Meet the Feebles even.

[53:00] Basically who would take a crazy concept and make it fun.

[53:03] Because all the other problems wouldn't have also mattered to me as much.

[53:06] Like if I couldn't explain it, but it was at least fun.

[53:09] It was so somber and serious.

[53:11] There is no joy to be had in a movie that is about cities on tank treads eating other

[53:15] cities.

Stuart Wellington

[53:16] Which I'm sure is the reason he bought the rights to make that book into a movie.

[53:21] Yeah.

[53:21] Right?

[53:22] And the thing about Peter...

[53:25] Like I've been thinking about this a lot because there is that like dream that Peter Jackson

[53:28] is just going to make another fun like low budget movie.

[53:31] But I feel like he's become...

[53:33] He's become such a like industry now that like if he were to make a small movie, he would

[53:40] not be able to hire as many of the people that rely on him.

Elliott Kalan

[53:44] Thousands of people would be out of work if he decided to make Bad Taste 2.

[53:47] Yeah.

[53:48] Or something like that.

[53:49] Although I wonder if...

[53:50] Now that you mentioned him buying the rights to the book, I wonder if he was like,

[53:52] get me that YA book, the mortal something.

[53:54] And he wanted Mortal Instruments, City of Bones.

[53:56] Yeah.

[53:56] And they brought him this one.

[53:57] He was like, this wasn't the...

[53:59] Like when you tell your grandma like, oh, get me that Avengers movie.

[54:02] And she comes back with the generic like the Avengerers, like the ripoff.

[54:08] And you're like, grandma.

[54:10] I'm sure this is just as good.

[54:11] In fact, I think that's what happened.

[54:12] Peter Jackson sent his grandma out to go buy the rights.

[54:15] Oh, man.

[54:15] And she got the wrong rights.

[54:17] Oh, Grammy Jackson.

[54:18] Grandma doesn't know.

[54:20] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[54:25] Going into a Bullseye interview, I know it's somebody who does amazing work.

[54:30] But it's an actual conversation.

[54:31] I don't know where it's headed.

Dan McCoy

[54:34] Absolutely.

[54:35] You're absolutely right.

[54:37] You said it actually better than I did.

[54:38] So I have to think about what that means.

Stuart Wellington

[54:42] Hey, this is the straight talk that you're going to get on this show.

S6

[54:46] Bullseye.

[54:47] Creators you know.

[54:48] Creators you need to know.

[54:49] Find it at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get podcasts.

S5

[54:56] Hi, I'm Biz.

[54:57] And I'm Teresa.

[54:58] And we host One Bad Mother, a comedy podcast about parenting.

[55:01] Whether you are a parent or just know kids exist in the world, join us each week as we

[55:06] honestly share what it's like to be a parent.

Elliott Kalan

[55:09] These are really hard questions.

[55:11] They are really hard questions.

S5

[55:11] I don't have any answers for them.

[55:13] I don't either.

[55:14] Sack of garbage.

[55:15] I know.

[55:16] Ah!

[55:17] Oh!

[55:19] Ah!

[55:21] The end of this show will just be five minutes of Biz and Teresa crying and screaming until

[55:26] the outro is played.

[55:28] So join us each week as we judge less, laugh more, and remind you that you are doing a

[55:32] great job.

[55:34] Find us on MaximumFun.org, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Dan McCoy

[55:39] All right.

[55:40] Let's move on to a few sponsors.

[55:44] Uh-huh.

Elliott Kalan

[55:45] Before we talk about our regular sponsors, I was wondering if we could let Brendan talk

[55:48] a little bit about the new season of Harvey Girls Forever on Netflix now.

S4

[55:52] Thank you very much.

[55:53] Yeah.

[55:53] Starting November 12th and anytime thereafter, season three of Harvey Girls Forever will be

[55:58] streaming on Netflix.

[56:00] It's the third season about our show, which is about Audrey, Lotta, and Dot, three classic

[56:06] Harvey comics characters reimagined for modern audiences.

Stuart Wellington

[56:10] And their goal is just to make their block the best place to ever have a childhood.

S4

[56:15] It's trying to keep the feeling of that time between when you left school and before you

[56:19] went home for dinner alive forever.

[56:21] We try to keep it relatable for all kids and adults and a lot of jokes for people of all

[56:26] ages, especially the episodes written by Elliot here.

[56:29] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[56:30] Those two.

[56:31] Written by me.

S4

[56:32] Yeah, one of them does feature a Judas Priest-style song about a trove of deadly toys that were

[56:37] pulled from the market.

[56:38] Mm-hmm.

[56:39] But yeah, season three has just premiered where we add Richie Rich, far and away the biggest

[56:43] name out of the Harvey comics characters.

[56:46] He joins our cast for this season, voiced by Jack Quaid from The Boys.

[56:50] He's super hilarious and really fun, and we reimagined him also, so now he's a self-made

[56:54] child billionaire and, yeah, I think a pretty fun character.

[56:58] And yeah, we have some good comedy folk always in there.

[57:00] Lauren Lapkus is our star, and we've got Danny Pudi, and this season we've got Kristen

[57:04] Chenoweth and Anna Camp, and a whole lot of really funny people coming by and having

[57:09] a good time with us.

Elliott Kalan

[57:09] It's a really fun show, and I like it a lot, and my children like it a lot, and I think

[57:13] you'll like it a lot, too.

[57:15] And if enough people watch, maybe you'll finally get that season where you can bring baby

[57:18] Huey in.

S4

[57:19] That has been our dream the entire time.

[57:21] I think actually, oh, you know what?

[57:23] I don't want to spoil, but I'll save astute watchers to season three.

[57:28] Perhaps there is some baby Huey Easter eggs in there.

Elliott Kalan

[57:30] Which would be huge eggs.

Dan McCoy

[57:31] It's ginormous eggs.

[57:32] Because maybe he's an enormous bird.

[57:33] Now, I apologize for not actually previously being familiar with the show, but I have to

[57:39] ask.

[57:40] So, it's based on these Harvey Comics characters.

[57:42] Have you expanded the character of Dot?

[57:48] Because if I recall, her whole thing was just that she liked polka dots.

S4

[57:52] Yes.

[57:53] No, that was absolutely our...

[57:55] Audrey, thankfully...

[57:56] Audrey actually pretty much worked as is.

[57:58] Dot, we expanded to be...

[57:59] She is very, very precise and exacting about everything.

[58:03] So, to her, it was like, the dot is the most perfect thing ever, because it's a perfect circle.

[58:06] So, it's something she always strives for and loves, but it's more of just an exacting character.

Stuart Wellington

[58:11] And then she starts seeing dots everywhere, and then those dots become spirals, and then

[58:16] her body starts growing into a spiral.

Elliott Kalan

[58:19] Yeah, yeah.

[58:20] It's called Uzumaki Girls Forever, yeah?

S4

[58:22] Yeah.

[58:23] And then she meets Spiral and goes to the Mojoverse, and yeah.

[58:25] Whoa!

Elliott Kalan

[58:27] It's a pretty cool crossover.

[58:28] Spiral is one of those X-Men characters that I love, and I don't know why, because I've

[58:31] never read a story where she's been any really good in it.

[58:34] She's a cool design.

[58:35] Damn, she's got that weird samurai helmet and all those arms.

[58:37] And six arms, yeah.

[58:38] And those furry boots.

[58:39] Boots with the fur.

[58:40] Yeah.

[58:40] Apple-bottom jeans.

[58:41] Yeah.

S4

[58:42] Spiral gets low, low, low.

[58:44] And then, yeah, Lada, we took basically Lada as is, but made it her...

[58:49] She has an appetite for life, and for love, and for passion, and took out the fact that

[58:53] every comic basically just had jokes about her eating giant sandwiches.

[58:57] Mm-hmm.

[58:57] Save that for Dagwood.

[58:59] Yep.

[59:00] Look, it's his bit.

[59:01] I don't want to steal it.

[59:03] Okay.

[59:04] All right.

[59:04] Well, thank you for that.

Dan McCoy

[59:06] Yeah, thank you, guys.

[59:06] Moving on to sponsors.

[59:09] I do want to say I don't feel like we acknowledge this enough outside of the MaxFun drive, but

[59:14] the Flophouse is supported overwhelmingly by listeners like you who choose to donate at

[59:20] MaximumFun.org, but we also have some corporate sponsors this week.

[59:25] The Flophouse is sponsored in part by Squarespace.

[59:28] A dream is just a great idea that doesn't have a website yet.

[59:32] Make it a reality with Squarespace.

[59:35] Create a beautiful website to showcase your work, blog, or publish content.

[59:40] Sell products and services of all kinds and more.

[59:44] Whatever your heart desires for a website.

[59:47] Squarespace helps by doing – by giving you – by doing you.

[59:51] By giving you.

[59:53] I mean, some websites are about doing you, but then they help.

Elliott Kalan

[59:57] And they help in a way, yeah.

[59:58] They help one thing.

Dan McCoy

[59:59] Squarespace has beautiful, customizable, mobile-optimized templates created by world-class designers,

[1:00:06] built-in search engine optimization and analytics to help you grow, and 24-7 award-winning customer

[1:00:12] support.

[1:00:14] Check out squarespace.com slash flop for a free trial.

[1:00:18] And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code flop to save 10% off your first purchase

[1:00:24] of a website or domain.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:28] Guys, I had an idea for a website, and I was wondering if Squarespace might be able to help.

[1:00:32] It was inspired by this movie that we're talking about.

[1:00:35] And it's – so we're all worried that at some point a city's just going to come along and

[1:00:39] eat us, right?

[1:00:40] Yeah.

[1:00:40] We saw it in the movie.

[1:00:41] It's pretty scary.

[1:00:42] Like, what if Pittsburgh just comes – you've heard of the fish that ate Pittsburgh.

[1:00:45] And the car that ate Paris.

[1:00:46] Oh, boy.

[1:00:47] Well, what if Paris was eating cars and Pittsburgh was eating fishes?

[1:00:49] Oh, no.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:49] And Paris was burning?

[1:00:50] The fish that saved – well, I mean, Paris – I mean, Paris is burning.

[1:00:54] And the dance floors all over the world.

[1:00:56] But the – what if there was a way to track these cities and to know where they're coming

[1:01:02] from?

[1:01:03] That's why I've got citytracker.com.

[1:01:05] That's the idea.

[1:01:06] It tells you where every city is located whenever you check just in case they might have moved.

[1:01:11] And you could put a tracker on any city in the world, and it'll tell you if that city

[1:01:14] has moved and gotten closer to you so you know to get out its way.

S4

[1:01:18] Now, what if you were in one of the cities?

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:20] Your phone would explode.

[1:01:22] Okay.

[1:01:23] Fair enough.

[1:01:23] So you're –

[1:01:24] If you're using it on your phone.

[1:01:25] If it's on your laptop, the laptop would explode.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:27] So you're partially subsidized by a venture capitalist firm who makes money off of people

[1:01:31] having to buy new phones.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:33] Yes.

[1:01:34] It's called Apple.

[1:01:34] Oh, wow.

[1:01:35] And so I hope maybe Squarespace will help me get this so that it can scale to all different

[1:01:39] types of explodable media or platforms.

[1:01:43] So anyway, that's citytracker.com.

[1:01:45] Look out for it so you'll always know where cities are.

S4

[1:01:48] I have been looking for some cities lately, so thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:50] Yeah, no problem.

[1:01:52] Dan, what's next after Squarespace?

Dan McCoy

[1:01:54] I believe I sent you a couple of Jumbotrons.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:57] Oh, J-J-J-Jumbotrons.

[1:01:59] That's right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:00] I've certainly got one.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:01] This message is for Rusty.

[1:02:04] This message is from Haley.

[1:02:07] Happy 40th birthday.

[1:02:09] I hope this message finds you sometime around November 7th.

[1:02:13] But if not, oh well.

[1:02:15] You're still getting a shout out on one of the greatest podcasts of all time.

[1:02:20] You'll always be the bikini to my car wash, the castle to my freak, and you make every

[1:02:26] day feel like Cagemas.

[1:02:29] Dottie and I love you so much.

[1:02:32] Now, I'm staring down the barrel of the big 4-0 myself, guys, so I wish somebody would

[1:02:39] get such a nice message for me on one of my favorite podcasts.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:44] All right, Stuart.

[1:02:45] I'll get you a Jumbotron on some kind of small figure painting podcast.

[1:02:51] Thank you.

[1:02:52] I don't know if anybody...

[1:02:52] Or Car Talk.

[1:02:53] What?

[1:02:54] Car Talk.

[1:02:54] Or Car Talk, yeah.

[1:02:55] I mean, it's hard to get Jumbotrons right on Car Talk since they just run reruns since

[1:02:59] one of them is dead.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:59] Yeah, and also Jumbotrons is kind of a specific to MaxFun thing.

[1:03:03] So they're only up to you.

[1:03:03] Car Talk's not on MaxFun?

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:06] I mean, it should be.

[1:03:08] To be honest, if you told me that Car Talk, if I didn't know it was a public radio show,

[1:03:12] if you told me it was on MaxFun, I'd be like, oh yeah, like two crazy

[1:03:15] guys who are brothers and they talk about cars, but really they kind of talk about whatever

[1:03:18] and they tell a lot of corny jokes.

[1:03:20] Yeah, that fits on MaxFun.

[1:03:21] That's true.

[1:03:22] Jesse, get on it.

[1:03:23] Get the Car Talk license.

[1:03:25] Okay, I've got a Jumbotron too.

[1:03:27] This message is for Ollie and it's from Emily and it reads,

[1:03:31] Happy anniversary to my sexy science nerd.

[1:03:33] Thank you for the best year of my life.

[1:03:35] You are the most caring, loving, fun person I could have found.

[1:03:37] Parentheses.

[1:03:38] And that ass though.

[1:03:39] Wow.

[1:03:40] End parentheses.

[1:03:41] I'm so glad that you accidentally accepted my friend request.

[1:03:43] I'd rather be in a long distance relationship with you than a short distance relationship

[1:03:46] with anyone else.

[1:03:48] So that's for Ollie from Emily.

[1:03:50] A couple of sweet messages from people.

[1:03:52] Oh yeah, it's adorable.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:53] Are there any other plugs?

[1:03:55] We've done our touring for 2019.

[1:03:58] We're in talks for 2020, figuring out where to go.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:00] We passed the touring test.

[1:04:03] Yeah, that's true.

[1:04:03] That's when people, we do a show and people tell us if it's a computer or not.

[1:04:06] Yeah, it's robot or not, basically.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:08] Yeah.

[1:04:09] We've plugged Brendan.

[1:04:11] Do you guys have anything?

[1:04:13] Well.

[1:04:14] At all?

[1:04:15] Anything?

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:16] Well, we can always remind people that there is, there's, I mean, yes, there's lots of stuff.

[1:04:20] There's Flophouse merchandise available online.

[1:04:24] Stuart is looking into some new possible things for future shows.

[1:04:27] Yeah, I got my fingers in a lot of pies.

[1:04:29] Merchandise specifically.

[1:04:30] Merchandise specifically.

[1:04:32] And we just, I don't know.

[1:04:35] You can always go pick up a copy of Horse Meets Dog, but we can also move on to the next part of the podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:39] Sure, I just, you know, I just want to blow over you guys.

[1:04:42] Yeah, yeah, give us a chance to, you know, strut around like the peacocks that we are.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:47] Yeah, yeah.

[1:04:48] Actually, Dan, blow over me for a second.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:50] Oh, that feels nice.

[1:04:51] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:52] Oh, that feels very nice.

[1:04:54] I don't like this bit.

[1:04:55] It's a 40 Days and 40 Nights thing.

[1:04:57] Yeah, yeah.

[1:04:57] Never talk about that movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:00] All right.

[1:05:02] This first letter is from Julie Lastname Withheld.

[1:05:05] It's a follow-up to a previous letter.

[1:05:08] Julie writes,

[1:05:09] Please accept my apologies for the confusing email about coming-of-age movies.

[1:05:13] To clarify, what movies can I show my son once he becomes a 13-year-old man that he would not have seen as a mere 12-year-old boy?

[1:05:22] Our secret theme to his bar mitzvah is werewolf bar mitzvah.

[1:05:25] So maybe Ginger Snaps works?

[1:05:26] Love always, Julie.

[1:05:28] And I just want to point out, I correctly interpreted this email.

[1:05:33] Elliot foolishly thought it was about coming-of-age movies.

[1:05:37] So put it on the scoreboard, Stuart.

[1:05:40] You're right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:40] I guess you're Danny, champion of the world.

[1:05:42] Okay.

[1:05:43] And I'm Elliot, the biggest loser.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:45] So it looks like Dan's got a point and Elliot's got 300 points.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:53] Neck and neck.

[1:05:53] You're getting closer.

[1:05:54] I can feel you nipping at my heels, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:56] I just wanted to get on the board.

[1:05:57] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:58] So of course, this obviously depends on when he turns 13.

[1:06:05] But I would say, I don't know, maybe like Star Wars Rise of Skywalker?

[1:06:10] Because he wouldn't have been able to see it when he was a little guy.

[1:06:13] Yeah, that's true.

[1:06:15] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:17] It's been so hard for him to see Parasite before he turned 13.

[1:06:21] I reckon, you know, there's a couple of the kinds of movies I started watching when I was 13 was like, that's when I became a real serious cineast.

[1:06:28] And so I'd recommend maybe like Hitchcock's movies are good ones to start watching when you're like 13.

[1:06:33] But also the ones I plan to show my son when he turns 13.

[1:06:36] Evil Cop, Alien, Taking a Pelham 123.

[1:06:39] The violent and swear-filled movies that I can't show him now.

[1:06:42] But when he turns 13, God says he's a man.

[1:06:45] So I guess it's time for him to watch movies where people's head explodes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:48] I just watched a movie that my mom made me watch when I was a little kid because she thought I'd love it.

[1:06:52] I watched Creepshow 2 again.

[1:06:57] The rap segment is pretty good.

[1:06:59] Otherwise, it's not that great.

[1:07:00] I mean, it's all pretty good.

[1:07:02] But it also, like as a kid, I couldn't swim in a lake ever.

[1:07:05] Yeah.

S4

[1:07:07] It is funny.

[1:07:08] My exact pitch on that was going to be horror anthologies, actually.

[1:07:12] Because that was kind of my gateway to horror was around 13.

[1:07:15] And it was like, I mean, partially it was the TV show.

[1:07:17] Like Tales from the Dark Side or Tales from the Crypt.

[1:07:19] It was also like the Tales from the Dark Side movie or also then loving the two Creepshow movies.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:23] I also watched Tales from the Dark Side, the movie this week.

[1:07:27] And wow, I just love that the college students are Christian Slater, Steve Buscemi, and Julianne Moore.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:38] Yeah, if we're talking about movies that we watched when we were 13.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:43] Dan, you answered this question the right way last time.

[1:07:46] You don't need to worry about an answer this time.

[1:07:47] No, no, no.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:47] I was going to say, so if you want to do it Dan McCoy style, what you got to do is you have to, you should purchase some premium cable channels, preferably at this point in time, Showtime.

[1:08:00] Just have them around so your son can sneak out late at night and watch whatever erotic programming is available.

[1:08:09] Like episodes of Shameless?

[1:08:10] Yeah, yeah.

[1:08:11] That's what I'm saying.

[1:08:12] Yeah, Showtime.

[1:08:13] So it's going to be like Nurse Jackie.

[1:08:14] Ray Donovan gets pretty hot.

[1:08:16] Or, you know, like have it scrambled and then like have him hear like an urban legend that if you like run it through your VCR, it descrambles it a little bit.

[1:08:24] Oh, cool.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:25] Or if you flip back and forth between the channels really fast.

[1:08:28] Yeah, you get a few seconds of clarity before it goes out.

[1:08:30] You see, Dan, I would have thought you'd say Cinemax.

[1:08:33] The channel that after a certain point was just like, this is what we do.

[1:08:36] Yeah, Cinemax is good too.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:38] HBO has cleared all that stuff off.

[1:08:40] Like it's trying to pretend it never happened.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:42] But I was talking to somebody about the show Dream On recently and they did not know it had ever existed.

[1:08:47] And I was like, this was HBO's bread and butter for a while.

[1:08:50] It was like a dumb sitcom where ladies took their shirts off.

[1:08:52] Like that's all they had for a while.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:54] You know, I just got done watching the first season of The Righteous Gemstones.

[1:08:57] And I feel like they kept the nudity, but it's all dudes wieners.

[1:09:01] It's all wieners.

[1:09:03] It's all like guys with big old bellies with wieners.

[1:09:07] It's great.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:09] That's HBO, home ball office.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:11] The second and for this episode, the final letter is from Hannah, last name withheld.

[1:09:18] Hannah writes, dear Dan, Stu, and Elliot, and I guess, of course, Brendan, our guest.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:23] She wrote that?

[1:09:24] How did she know?

Dan McCoy

[1:09:25] You know, we got to ask Hannah.

[1:09:27] I want to start by saying I love your podcast.

[1:09:29] Dan, she's a child assassin.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:31] I don't want to get on her bad side.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:33] Here's my question.

[1:09:34] I did a cool mental exercise recently.

[1:09:37] Where I figured out what interests me and a character.

[1:09:40] I thought it might be cool for you guys to give it a shot too.

[1:09:43] So think of like three to five favorite characters from different pieces of media or canons.

[1:09:48] If you like.

[1:09:48] I did ten, but you don't have time for that.

[1:09:52] Once you have them all lined up, see what they have in common.

[1:09:57] Some of mine were Han Solo, Luke from the Adventure Zone, Hawkeye from Marvel Comics, not MCU.

[1:10:04] She's very clear about that.

[1:10:07] Wow.

[1:10:07] And Sherlock Holmes.

[1:10:08] Take that, Jeremy Renner.

[1:10:10] Yeah, no, she's right.

[1:10:12] Using them and some others, I found the thing that I look for are characters who are self-determining, self-actualizing.

[1:10:20] They decide what they're going to be slash going to do, and they become it or do it, good or bad.

[1:10:26] They make their own paths rather than following.

[1:10:29] Maybe this is too complex a question, but I'm really curious as to what draws the floppers to characters.

[1:10:34] Keep on flopping.

[1:10:36] Hannah, last name withheld.

[1:10:40] Yeah, if you don't have anything off the bat, I thought about mine.

[1:10:43] I picked Sherlock Holmes, of course.

[1:10:47] Sure.

[1:10:47] Like Hannah did.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:49] Because the thing you like is characters who are addicted to cocaine.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:51] Scrooge McDuck.

[1:10:54] Yep.

[1:10:54] Yes.

[1:10:55] Okay.

[1:10:55] Cocaine.

[1:10:56] And Indiana Jones.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:58] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:58] And the things I came up with for those are they're kind of like these characters that have this comfortable, normal life from the day to day,

[1:11:11] but they cannot be happy unless they're out on adventures.

[1:11:17] And also, they're all sort of throwback characters in a way.

[1:11:21] I mean, obviously, like Sherlock Holmes is not throwback.

[1:11:23] He's just old.

[1:11:24] But, you know, Scrooge McDuck is in that tradition of globetrotting adventurer.

[1:11:30] And Indiana Jones is a self-consciously old-fashioned story.

[1:11:37] Also, my girlfriend, like, immediately when I told her these characters, she's like, oh, they're all grumpy people who are secretly nice underneath it.

[1:11:45] And I'm like, oh, I didn't notice that.

[1:11:48] It takes someone who spends a lot of time with me to see what I might have in common with these characters that would draw me to them.

[1:11:54] Yeah.

[1:11:55] But also, a couple of other characters.

[1:11:58] Like, I really, like, despite Chris Pratt's weirdness in real life and the fact that he was, his character was not particularly written well outside of the Guardians films, I think.

[1:12:09] I don't like how he was treated in the Avengers movies as much.

[1:12:13] I like Star-Lord a lot, and I like Han Solo, obviously, a lot.

[1:12:17] And both of those are kind of the same guy who's secretly very capable, but is also kind of a doofus.

[1:12:25] And I find that very appealing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:27] I don't know about secretly.

[1:12:28] They're always talking about how great they are.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:30] Okay.

[1:12:30] Not secretly.

[1:12:31] But, like, well, secretly in that, like, beneath their bragging, they actually are good at what they do.

[1:12:36] But they're also, like, just dorks.

[1:12:39] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:40] Yeah, let's see.

[1:12:41] So I'm going to pick three.

[1:12:43] Let's see.

[1:12:44] Obviously, Jack Burton from Big Trouble in Little China.

[1:12:46] Oh, good one.

[1:12:48] Alexis Rose from Schitt's Creek.

[1:12:50] And I guess Tetsuo Shima from Akira.

[1:12:54] So let's see.

[1:12:55] What do they have in common?

[1:12:56] What do they have in common?

[1:12:58] Interesting.

[1:12:58] Go on.

[1:12:58] Jesus Christ.

[1:13:00] I mean, they all have an impeccable sense of style.

[1:13:03] Okay.

[1:13:03] They have great hair.

[1:13:05] I mean, hair is a big deal.

[1:13:07] Oh, yeah.

[1:13:07] Tetsuo has fantastic hair.

[1:13:08] I think they're, you know, a little mysterious.

[1:13:11] Various backgrounds.

[1:13:12] But they're also, yeah, I think they're capable.

[1:13:16] Let's see.

[1:13:17] They're, you know, they're products of the hostile environment in which they exist.

[1:13:24] That they have to deal, they have to overcome their adversity.

[1:13:29] And they do it kind of, you know.

[1:13:31] And they're all, they're all, they have magic powers.

[1:13:34] And yeah, it's all great.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:36] Wait, Schitt's Creek?

[1:13:38] Yeah, you haven't been watching Schitt's Creek.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:40] It's crazy.

[1:13:40] It gets crazy.

[1:13:40] Later seasons.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:41] I guess I haven't gotten past the first season yet.

[1:13:43] I guess it gets a little different.

[1:13:44] Well, you got to catch up.

[1:13:47] I picked four characters.

[1:13:49] One of them is a kind of a grandfathered in.

[1:13:51] I don't feel the same way about them, but I did for such a long time.

[1:13:53] Those characters, Spider-Man, Nick Charles, Bugs Bunny, and Hall of Famer, Boba Fett.

[1:13:58] And I guess thinking about them, they all have kind of like a certain amount of real competence,

[1:14:03] but also confidence in themselves, except for Spider-Man.

[1:14:06] And they've all got, Supermention style, they've all got their signature look.

[1:14:08] You can identify them by a silhouette.

[1:14:11] If the silhouette shows you Nick Charles' mustache, and also he's holding a whiskey tumbler in his hand.

[1:14:17] And except for Boba Fett, they're all real talkers and jokesters.

[1:14:20] So who would have thunk it?

[1:14:22] Now, Boba Fett, of course, I've talked on the podcast previously about how I liked him when I was a kid

[1:14:26] because of the fantasy of being so cool that people were just always in awe of you,

[1:14:31] and also you wore a mask so no one could see your true face.

[1:14:34] But you know what?

[1:14:35] He's kind of a doof when it comes down to it.

[1:14:38] Since, as we've seen in the Star Wars movies, he's not very good at his job.

[1:14:41] Everyone thinks he's great, but it turns out he just has a good press agent.

[1:14:44] Yeah, and a cool helmet.

[1:14:47] Yeah, I have to assume there's some kind of Fox News type thing in the Star Wars universe

[1:14:51] that's always spinning Boba Fett's failures as huge victories.

[1:14:54] And they're like, Boba Fett showed those rebels, got knocked into the Sarlacc,

[1:14:59] they fell for his trap.

[1:15:01] Oh boy, he's playing three-dimensional chess here.

[1:15:03] Although that's a Star Trek thing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:05] He's like that character King in One Punch Man, who everybody thinks is the strongest man,

[1:15:10] but he's actually just a guy who looks scary.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:15] So Brendan, who do you choose?

S4

[1:15:16] All right, so obviously it was Rorschach, John Galt, and Zack Snyder's Superman.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:21] I don't think that says anything about me.

[1:15:24] Oh, yikes.

[1:15:26] Oh boy.

S4

[1:15:27] No, my three, I went with Raylan Givens, the Elmore Leonard character from Book of Books and Justified,

[1:15:34] Martin Blank from Gross Point Blank, and Yorick Brown from Why the Last Man.

[1:15:38] Okay.

[1:15:39] And basically it was all would-be smartest men in the room type who cover their emotions and humor,

[1:15:45] was what I kind of realized.

[1:15:46] And ultimately, at least two of those three are ultimately pretty damaged underneath,

[1:15:50] but all three are slowly trying to be a little more self-aware and better.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:54] And one of them has a pet monkey.

S4

[1:15:55] And one of them does have a pet monkey, and honestly, I mean, Raylan would have been even cooler with a pet monkey.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:00] And the monkey has a gun too, and little sunglasses.

[1:16:02] And a hat.

[1:16:03] Yeah, he's got to have a hat.

[1:16:04] You know what?

[1:16:05] And then they could do another season, because it would be about the monkey.

[1:16:07] Oh my God, yeah.

S4

[1:16:08] Yeah.

[1:16:09] The monkey's traumatic past.

[1:16:10] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:11] Yeah, exactly.

[1:16:12] Oh boy.

[1:16:12] Every monkey that you see that is a pet has a traumatic past.

[1:16:16] Nobody recruited that monkey out of college, and the monkey was like, yeah, this sounds great.

[1:16:20] I'd love to be your pet.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:21] Oh man, you're putting friends into stark relief right now.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:26] Well, I mean, it's clear now that Ross in Friends is a bad person, right?

[1:16:30] Yeah, I think society is going on.

[1:16:32] There's no monkey who is hanging out in the jungle and is like, I really wish I lived in an apartment in New York,

[1:16:38] and someone else who was not even my species controlled when I ate and where I shat.

[1:16:42] I would love that.

[1:16:44] It just doesn't exist.

[1:16:45] Okay, Dan, counterpoint.

[1:16:47] Are you why monkeys want to be pets?

Dan McCoy

[1:16:50] They like grinding organs?

[1:16:53] They're dancing to organs that are ground?

[1:16:55] How does that work?

[1:16:57] What do you do with all those ground up organs?

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:59] Is that a pet or is that a co-worker?

Dan McCoy

[1:17:04] Okay, well, let's move on to recommendations.

[1:17:08] Movies that you should watch definitely instead of Mortal Engines, which was a big waste of everyone's time.

[1:17:16] Editorializing.

[1:17:17] I'll go first.

[1:17:18] I want to do...

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:19] No, no, Dan, Dan, I appreciate you going out on a limb after this podcast.

[1:17:21] We were pretty ambivalent about whether we didn't like it or not.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:24] I'm going to run through actually a bunch of movies and do it very quickly.

[1:17:30] Wow.

[1:17:31] Because think of this as my Shocktober, like a cap to the Shocktober season.

[1:17:35] I saw like literally 11 or 12 horror movies over the past couple of weeks,

[1:17:43] and I just want to highlight a few of them.

[1:17:47] I saw the movie Pieces, which I think is a Spanish film.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:51] Am I right in that?

Dan McCoy

[1:17:52] I think so.

[1:17:52] It's a slasher.

[1:17:54] It's not a good movie.

[1:17:56] It's a very silly movie.

[1:17:58] It's a slasher movie.

[1:17:59] With all that implies, if you are not into a movie...

[1:18:03] It's like Slash Fiction.

[1:18:04] No, I'm just saying...

[1:18:05] If you are not into a movie that has a fair amount of female nudity and violence against women,

[1:18:10] I understand, but that's like a big component of what slashes are.

[1:18:13] If you want to see a dong, though, there is one in that movie.

[1:18:16] So there you go.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:17] Dong alert.

[1:18:18] Dong alert.

[1:18:19] Nowhere else to see.

[1:18:21] But it's a...

[1:18:22] Run to pieces.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:23] It's a very, very goofy horror movie.

[1:18:26] I showed it in my house.

[1:18:28] If you want a movie that a lot of people are going to have a ball laughing at, it's a good one.

[1:18:32] So come to Dan's house.

[1:18:33] Yeah, come to my house.

[1:18:35] I saw at the Alamo Marathon, I saw Centipede Horror from 1982.

[1:18:41] It's a Hong Kong horror movie.

[1:18:45] And it has kind of like a Hong Kong kung fu vibe, even though it's a horror movie.

[1:18:50] It's about people getting cursed with centipede curses, like a family being cursed.

[1:18:56] And I realized that...

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:57] So how does that manifest?

[1:18:58] You said that we know what centipede curses are.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:00] Well, basically centipedes are attracted to these people, and they're like these highly poisonous centipedes that cause them to die.

[1:19:08] Oh, gross.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:09] Luckily, they only have a million legs, right?

[1:19:13] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:14] I realized that there's a lot of the supernatural in Western horror, but there's not a lot of straight up magic in Western horror compared to Eastern horror.

[1:19:25] Like, this is a movie that literally has two wizards duels in it.

[1:19:29] So if that appeals to you, try and find centipede horror.

[1:19:32] It was very entertaining.

[1:19:34] I watched the movie Bones with Snoop Dogg, which I had heard was not good.

[1:19:40] I think because in addition to horror movies...

[1:19:43] And you're here to set the record straight?

[1:19:44] Well, look, just let me say my thing.

[1:19:46] Okay.

[1:19:47] In addition to horror movies...

[1:19:48] There's no need to interrupt.

[1:19:51] In addition to horror movies not being a critical favorite genre, I think that black-themed movies are often not given their due.

[1:20:00] And I will take my licks in that area, too.

[1:20:03] Like, I am not going out and watching as many black-themed movies as I could as a white dude.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:09] I remember you...

[1:20:10] I think you said it on the podcast.

[1:20:11] You referred to Selma as Snorefest 2017.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:15] Please do not spread that around as a thing that happened.

[1:20:19] Your lies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:20] I believe the quote was,

[1:20:23] Get over it, said Dan McCoy.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:26] But Bones is a lot of fun.

[1:20:27] It's directed by Ernest Dickerson, who was Spike Lee's cinematographer for a long time,

[1:20:31] and then a director in his own right.

[1:20:33] He did Tales from the Crypt, Demon Knight, another horror movie that's better than you would think.

[1:20:38] And Bones is fun.

[1:20:39] It kind of starts out like a socially conscious horror movie and then turns Snoop Dogg into Freddy by the end of it.

[1:20:44] It's fun.

[1:20:45] And then last...

[1:20:46] So he gets fingered.

[1:20:46] Yeah.

[1:20:47] And last night I watched Crawl, the movie by Alejandra Aja, who did Piranha 3D that Elliot and Brendan and I all watched on Elliot's wedding day.

[1:20:59] It's a movie about a woman trapped in a flooding house during a hurricane trying to save her dad as alligators swim all around.

[1:21:07] And it's a lot of fun.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:08] And Barry Pepper plays her swim coach dad.

[1:21:10] Yeah.

[1:21:11] That's it.

[1:21:12] Oh.

[1:21:13] I didn't mean to watch that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:15] What a lot of movies.

[1:21:16] I'm going to recommend a movie called Ashes and Embers.

[1:21:20] This is an independent film from 1982 that until recently was really only seen much on festival circuits.

[1:21:26] But Ava DuVernay's company has arranged a limited release for it.

[1:21:30] And I saw it on the Turner Classic Movies app, so it may still be available in other streaming areas.

[1:21:35] It's directed by Haile Garima and stars as actor John Anderson.

[1:21:39] And it's the story of a black Vietnam veteran who is having trouble reintegrating into main society.

[1:21:46] And it does such a good job of, like, getting you inside of his head.

[1:21:50] It's a very independent film.

[1:21:51] It's like a very, like, you know, rough production-wise movie in some parts.

[1:21:56] But it's like – and it leans a lot on Vietnam stock footage at times in a way that is sometimes removing and sometimes it's like, yeah, yeah, I've seen that footage.

[1:22:04] But it does such a good job of putting you inside the mind of this character.

[1:22:08] And it's a story that a lot of other movies have told about Vietnam veterans having trouble getting back to mainstream America.

[1:22:14] But it's rare that I've seen it in this way also about someone who is dealing with the fact that they are black in America and that is not easy.

[1:22:23] And it touches on the kind of multi-generational aspects of that, what it means to the people around him and how he interacts differently with the people that he has different relationships with.

[1:22:33] And it's just a really, like, deep, rich movie.

[1:22:35] And it's structured almost more like a novel than, like, a straightforward plot.

[1:22:40] And so I found the whole thing very, like, hypnotic by the end and very moving.

[1:22:44] And there's a couple of really great speeches in it.

[1:22:45] So if you can find it – and I hope you can – it's called Ashes and Embers.

S4

[1:22:49] Brendan, what have you got?

[1:22:50] I got one, and I checked the Flophouse wiki.

[1:22:53] I don't think you guys have recommended.

[1:22:54] Ready or Not, the recent horror comedy.

[1:22:57] I don't think so.

[1:22:59] Oh, damn.

[1:23:00] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:00] But you didn't recommend it, right?

[1:23:01] I don't think so, no.

S4

[1:23:03] Okay, cool.

[1:23:04] But yeah, Ready or Not, a super fun horror comedy.

[1:23:07] Reminded me of You're Next while playing a little bit with Class Warfare.

[1:23:11] Not very subtly, but in a really fun, entertaining way.

[1:23:15] Yeah, stars Samara Wiley, who was also in the other super fun horror movie, Mayhem.

[1:23:20] It really is just a kind of case of a bride learns on her wedding night that the family she just married into has a crazy tradition that could potentially lead to the family trying to kill her, and in this case does.

[1:23:34] And madness and hijinks ensue.

[1:23:36] It's gory and funny and worth checking.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:40] But wait, they wait until she's ready, right?

S4

[1:23:42] Well, I mean, they give her a standard count, and they do, I believe, let her know they are coming.

[1:23:48] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:49] Yeah.

[1:23:49] So I'm going to recommend a movie that kind of keeps with the theme of a young woman who is wronged and seeking revenge.

[1:23:58] I'm recommending the laugh a minute fun roller coaster of a movie called The Nightingale.

[1:24:05] And I'm being totally sarcastic.

[1:24:07] It is not fun at all.

[1:24:10] This is a very difficult movie to get through.

[1:24:13] It is the latest movie from Jennifer Kent, the writer-director of The Babadook.

[1:24:18] And this is the movie that she felt very passionately she wanted to do following that.

[1:24:25] It's about a period piece.

[1:24:27] It's a young woman who is, I guess, getting out of indentured servitude or trying to in colonial Tasmania.

[1:24:38] And she suffers a horrible abuse at the hands of the English officer running the outpost.

[1:24:50] And it's very difficult to watch.

[1:24:52] And then the story kind of pulls back, and you get to see kind of the situation all through Tasmania at that time and the horrors that are being put upon the indigenous peoples there.

[1:25:05] And it's, yeah, it's a really difficult watch.

[1:25:08] But it's also very good.

[1:25:10] So if you are ready to watch something that is not going to be easy to sit through and you might have to walk away a couple times, yeah, check it out.

[1:25:21] The Nightingale.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:22] And if people want something that's easy to watch, they should watch the old cartoon Tasmania where it's Taz and his family.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:28] Oh, man.

[1:25:29] They actually edited new scenes into that.

[1:25:32] I don't think they're going to want to watch it.

[1:25:34] It's pretty rough.

[1:25:35] Oh, no.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:36] If people want something that's really easy to watch, they could look at the wall, which is like right there, unless you're outside.

[1:25:42] And then it's kind of hard to watch because you have to go back inside.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:45] That's true.

[1:25:48] Yeah, can't watch it on your phone, you know.

[1:25:50] No.

[1:25:51] Yeah, Christopher Nolan loves it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:55] So, guys.

[1:25:56] I mean, he's like every movie is projected on a wall.

[1:26:00] The most basic movie is that wall.

[1:26:03] What if we don't have to worry about film stock because there is no film.

[1:26:06] It's just the wall.

[1:26:08] And they're like, take him away, boys.

[1:26:09] He's gone insane.

S5

[1:26:12] It wasn't me that did it.

[1:26:14] It was the wall.

[1:26:15] The wall killed them.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:16] The wall.

[1:26:17] Whatever you say, Director Nolan.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:20] Very respectful.

[1:26:23] Hey, before we go, I just want to say thank you to Maximum Fun, our network.

[1:26:28] Thank you to Jordan for editing the show.

[1:26:32] Go over to MaximumFun.org.

[1:26:34] Check out all the other podcasts on the network.

[1:26:37] Some of them, like us, are about film.

[1:26:41] Some of them, like us, are comedy.

[1:26:43] Some have neither of those things.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:45] Some of them are just culture.

[1:26:46] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:47] Yeah.

[1:26:47] Some of them don't like us.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:48] Yeah.

[1:26:49] Some of them hate us.

S4

[1:26:50] I get that.

[1:26:52] Yeah.

[1:26:52] So, who do you have the feud against?

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:55] Well, what feud should we start right now that doesn't actually exist?

[1:26:58] I mean, we have that existing feud with Hodgman, right?

[1:27:02] Oh, actually, yeah.

[1:27:03] He actually doesn't like us.

[1:27:05] Yeah.

[1:27:05] Okay.

[1:27:05] So, yeah.

[1:27:05] Hodgman.

[1:27:06] That's it.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:07] Elliot, you usually say some stuff around this time about promoting ourselves.

[1:27:11] What do you got?

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:13] Well, if you liked this podcast, and I hope you did, then please leave us a review on iTunes.

[1:27:18] Please make it a good review, five stars perhaps, and say something nice about us.

[1:27:21] Why don't you tell people about the podcast?

[1:27:23] Tweet about us, Instagram about us, TikTok about us, YouTube about us, whatever you want

[1:27:27] to do.

[1:27:27] Blog about us, splog about us, maybe jump in a bog about us.

[1:27:32] But please, wear like waiting pants if you do that.

[1:27:34] I don't want you to ruin your good slacks because you've got a bar mitzvah to go to.

[1:27:38] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:38] So, go to your local Dick's Sporting Goods and ask for some bog waiting pants.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:44] Guys.

[1:27:44] Get some bog trotters.

[1:27:45] Guys.

[1:27:46] And go on out there and spread the word about the Flophouse.

[1:27:49] Once again, as Dan mentioned, we rely on listeners like you to support us throughout the year

[1:27:55] from the Max One Drive, and we really appreciate it.

[1:27:57] It keeps the lights on, and it keeps the beat.

[1:28:01] Yeah.

[1:28:01] And thanks for being our guest, Brendan.

[1:28:03] Yeah.

S4

[1:28:04] Thank you guys so much for having me on.

[1:28:05] I really appreciate it.

[1:28:06] And as a fan, it was quite nice to be on this side of it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:08] Thanks for being here.

[1:28:09] Now you see how the sausage is made.

[1:28:11] Yeah.

[1:28:11] It's hideous.

S4

[1:28:12] My stomach has been churned this entire time.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:14] And Harvey Street Kids.

[1:28:16] Harvey Girls Forever.

[1:28:17] Formerly Harvey Street Kids.

[1:28:18] It's not crazy.

[1:28:19] Now Harvey Girls Forever.

[1:28:19] It's on Netflix now, and it's really good.

[1:28:21] But go watch it.

[1:28:23] Leave a good review for that.

[1:28:24] Yeah.

[1:28:24] And then leave a good review for the Flophouse.

[1:28:26] And until then, I remain Stuart Wellington.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:28] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:28:30] I guess I'm Elliot Kalen.

S4

[1:28:32] I guess I'm just me.

[1:28:33] Brendan Hay.

[1:28:34] Do you want to make up a name?

[1:28:36] That you could be?

[1:28:37] I am John Galt.

[1:28:39] No.

[1:28:40] See you next time.

[1:28:41] And he disappeared.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:54] I think William Shakespeare said.

[1:28:56] Uh-huh.

[1:28:58] Love the one you're with?

[1:29:00] Wait, I gotta look it up.

[1:29:01] Just chill, bro.

[1:29:01] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:02] Yeah, I think William Shakespeare said.

[1:29:03] Just chill, bro.

[1:29:04] Yeah.

Ep. #297 - Mortal Engines

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