Ep. #299 - The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode we discuss the Computer War Tennis Shoes.

Elliott Kalan

[0:04] Or as it's known on the East Coast, the Computer War Sneakers.

[0:30] Hey everyone and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Dan McCoy

[0:38] Wow, it's me, Stuart Willington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:41] And over here in Los Angeles, California, home of Hollyweird where they make the movies

[0:47] and sometimes a lot of TV shows too and occasionally theater,

[0:51] but surprisingly the theater scene is not what you think it would be in a town so full of writers and actors and directors.

[0:57] It's something, I mean, that I'm kind of surprised by, but in a lot of ways it makes sense

[1:01] because people here are more trained for screen acting than stage acting.

[1:04] It's Elliot Kalin.

Dan McCoy

[1:06] Oh, that went on for so long I didn't realize you hadn't actually said your name yet.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10] Nope, not yet, but now I have and it's Elliot Kalin.

[1:13] That's me. Good night, everybody.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15] Oh, okay. Well, I guess Elliot's gone. I guess it's just you and me, Dan.

[1:20] One of us, when one of us goes, the other reaps the whole tauntine.

Dan McCoy

[1:26] So guys, this is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32] And now, Dan, do you usually sound like you're on the verge of death on the show?

Dan McCoy

[1:36] Well, I actually often do, but in this case a little more so because I got a cold right before Thanksgiving.

[1:43] I did a lot of Thanksgiving traveling and I think even though I was on the mend,

[1:47] that pushed me back down the hill.

[1:50] And I woke up this morning sounding like this.

Stuart Wellington

[1:53] So this is one of those things where you're like, if I'm going to die, I'm going to record a sweet podcast before I go.

Dan McCoy

[2:00] Please carve the computer wore tennis shoes on my gravestone.

Elliott Kalan

[2:05] My only regret is I didn't tell the world what I thought about a young Kurt Russell.

Dan McCoy

[2:11] That's what you would say on your deathbed.

Elliott Kalan

[2:12] Yeah.

[2:13] Let's explain.

Dan McCoy

[2:14] Big surprise.

[2:15] He's a handsome guy.

[2:16] Let's explain a little bit.

Elliott Kalan

[2:18] This is back when Captain Ron was just an ensign.

[2:21] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[2:22] Yeah, yeah.

[2:23] You'll be like, the audience member is like, the computer wore tennis shoes?

[2:28] That little scene Disney live action movie from the early 70s?

Stuart Wellington

[2:33] That spawned multiple sequels, right?

Dan McCoy

[2:35] Two sequels.

[2:36] Yeah.

[2:36] And we are like, yeah, it's impressive that you actually know what that is, listener.

[2:41] But we're doing it because, now listen, don't take this as an endorsement of Disney+.

[2:47] Take it as what it is.

[2:48] Us shamelessly trying to capitalize on the reflected glory that is Disney+.

[2:54] Oh, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[2:55] It's been in the news.

[2:55] What do you think?

[2:56] You think Disney+, if people Google search Disney+, they're like, what's everybody talking about?

[3:02] They might get a link to our podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[3:04] It's going to say, people who search for Disney+, also search for the Flophouse, the computer wore tennis shoes.

Dan McCoy

[3:09] This will be the 180-second link that Google pulls up.

[3:14] Mm-hmm.

[3:14] Yep.

[3:15] Maybe, you know, if you do that I feel lucky button, it'll come up.

Stuart Wellington

[3:19] Yeah.

[3:20] Maybe this is just us trying to placate our world entertainment zaibatsu overlords that will, I'm sure, soon absorb all media.

Dan McCoy

[3:29] Could be.

[3:30] But, you know, I just thought it would be kind of fun to do something different.

[3:35] And that's this, you know?

[3:38] Yeah.

[3:38] Actually, Dan.

[3:39] It is different.

Elliott Kalan

[3:40] Dan, have you ever tried to goose the Google search for this show a little bit?

[3:44] Like, you could rename an episode like The Flophouse, Disney+, Trump, Boobs.

[3:51] Uh-huh.

[3:51] McClunky.

Dan McCoy

[3:52] Elliot Kalin Feet.

Elliott Kalan

[3:54] Yeah, Elliot Kalin Feet.

[3:55] Yeah.

[3:56] You just put anyone's feet in there and it'll do it.

[3:59] Because otherwise they'll think it's featuring Elliot Kalin, which I've done on many hip-hop tracks.

[4:03] But it's not my actual feet because I don't sing through them.

Stuart Wellington

[4:06] Mm-hmm.

[4:06] You don't sing through your feet or you don't sing through the tracks that you're on?

[4:10] I mean...

Elliott Kalan

[4:10] Oh, I sing through the tracks that I'm on.

[4:12] That's why I get hired for so many.

[4:13] But I don't sing through my feet.

Stuart Wellington

[4:14] Oh, yeah.

[4:14] Because you do like a high melody part, right?

[4:17] You don't do like a rap.

[4:18] Well, but the letters...

Elliott Kalan

[4:19] No, no, no.

[4:19] Mine...

[4:20] No, I'm the one...

[4:21] You like the weekend?

[4:22] When it slows down a little bit and it's got to be soulful, that's when I come in.

[4:26] Not the rap part.

[4:26] Oh, cool.

[4:26] I can't do that.

[4:27] That's too difficult.

Dan McCoy

[4:28] Oh, I was going to say, because your letters songs have a lot of internal rhymes.

[4:32] Mm-hmm.

[4:33] Like much of modern rap.

[4:36] You know, like the...

[4:37] Not so much just rhymes at the end of the line, but he mixes it up.

Stuart Wellington

[4:41] Is this...

[4:42] Are you doing a little pitch to do some kind of a hip-hop podcast with Jesse Thornton now?

[4:47] No, that's right.

Elliott Kalan

[4:48] Yeah, it's going to be called Jesse, I Don't Know What You're Talking About with Jesse and Elliot.

[4:51] Yeah, that would be great.

[4:52] So, Dan, so this is all a very scheming, conniving, shallow, greedy way for us to jump aboard the Disney Plus gravy train and talk about a Disney Plus movie.

[5:05] And you were especially excited to do this because...

[5:09] Is it because you love old school Disney or because you love jumping onto trends?

[5:13] I say as you twerk and whip your hair back and forth right in front of me.

[5:17] Mm-hmm.

[5:17] Is it...

[5:18] And you're also doing the Ice Bucket Challenge?

[5:20] Trends?

Dan McCoy

[5:20] I'm sorry.

[5:21] Trends, Elliot?

Elliott Kalan

[5:22] Are you a time traveler?

[5:24] Your trends are a little out of date, as I'm saying.

[5:26] Okay.

[5:27] But is this...

[5:28] Which is it?

[5:28] Is it...

[5:29] Because I know you like old Disney stuff, right?

Dan McCoy

[5:31] Yeah.

[5:32] I mean...

[5:33] Yeah.

[5:33] A big part of it is...

[5:34] Like, this was a movie that I saw on the Disney Channel when I was a very young child

[5:38] and enjoyed because, you know, I had power fantasies of being super smart.

[5:45] And...

[5:45] But, like, I couldn't remember anything about it.

Elliott Kalan

[5:49] And also wearing tennis shoes, right?

[5:50] Because you grew up very poor.

[5:52] Yes.

[5:52] And your parents could only afford to buy you cardboard shoes, which you could not play tennis

[5:56] in.

[5:56] Because the courts at the time where you were, again, it was a very poor town.

[6:00] The courts were made of glass.

[6:01] And the glass courts would have just ripped up those cardboard shoes.

Stuart Wellington

[6:03] It seems like that would be more expensive to get, like, what, a single pane of glass?

Elliott Kalan

[6:08] No, no, no.

[6:08] It's just shards.

[6:09] They just filled it.

[6:10] It's crushed glass.

[6:10] I guess that makes sense.

Dan McCoy

[6:12] Oh, Elliot.

[6:13] The idea that I would ever exercise as vigorously as a game of tennis is comical to me.

Stuart Wellington

[6:19] No, but I also, like...

[6:21] The glass Tennessee...

[6:23] The glass tennis court by Tennessee Williams.

Dan McCoy

[6:26] Tennis hyphen Y Williams.

[6:32] No, I also, like, you know, as with...

[6:36] I mean, obviously I have a fascination with things that are bad.

[6:39] Uh-huh.

[6:40] Thus this podcast.

[6:42] Yeah.

[6:42] And I have a fascination with, like, old Disney.

[6:46] So this period where they pumped out really dumb live-action comedies is kind of interesting

[6:52] to me, even though they're all objectively, like, boring and terrible.

[6:56] Uh-huh.

[6:57] So...

[6:57] Even Son of Flubber?

[7:00] Even Son of Flubber.

Elliott Kalan

[7:02] Okay.

[7:04] Even...

[7:05] And so, and I...

[7:05] There's another movie that I wanted to do, which maybe we'll do another time, called Million

[7:08] Dollar Duck, which...

[7:10] Uh-huh.

[7:10] Maybe we'll get to see that.

[7:11] But it seems like a lot of the Disney movies at the time involved someone discovering something

[7:16] and then being chased for it.

[7:18] That was pretty much the formula, right?

Stuart Wellington

[7:19] Yeah.

[7:20] Yeah, the, uh, the...

[7:22] When the computer wore tennis shoes wrapped up and the credits were playing, uh, the...

[7:27] My next option was to watch The Ugly Dachshund, which also looked pretty good, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[7:34] I mean, the thing is, they should have just called it The Dachshund.

[7:36] Am I right, everybody?

Stuart Wellington

[7:37] Oh, wow.

[7:38] Oh, wow.

[7:39] Oh, man.

[7:40] We are gonna get some unsubscribes in a second.

Elliott Kalan

[7:43] I'm just saying, those wiener dogs are busted.

[7:45] Oh, wow.

Dan McCoy

[7:46] Oh, there's one at work that's adorable.

Elliott Kalan

[7:48] Yeah, you name him Frank.

Dan McCoy

[7:50] That's what you do with him.

[7:52] They're all named Frank.

[7:54] Yeah.

[7:54] But you gotta explain to people, if it's named Frank, you gotta explain to visitors to your

[7:58] house, you gotta be like, now this is a dog, not a Frankfurter.

[8:02] Uh-huh, yep.

Elliott Kalan

[8:03] Do not put mustard on it and try to eat it.

[8:05] Yeah, or they're like, oh, it's so, it's such an honor to meet you, Mr. Curry.

[8:08] And you're like, no, no, this is not Tim Curry in the role of Frank and Furter from the

[8:12] movie Rocky Horror Picture Show.

[8:13] This is a dog.

Dan McCoy

[8:14] Yeah.

[8:15] Yep.

[8:15] I mean, in this scenario, you have very dumb friends.

Stuart Wellington

[8:20] Yeah, I know you're gonna be tempted to put a dog-sized hot dog bun on him and put some

[8:26] relish on him so that you can take a photo of him, but I'm sorry, you might be tempted

[8:32] to eat him.

[8:32] I don't think it's a good idea.

[8:34] No, no.

Elliott Kalan

[8:34] I know you're gonna be tempted to ask him to sing one of his many hits, New York, New

[8:38] York, The Autumn of My Years, September of My Years.

[8:41] But no, this is not Frank Sinatra.

Stuart Wellington

[8:44] If you look closely, you'll see that he does not have blue eyes, so he is not Frank Sinatra.

Elliott Kalan

[8:49] So don't say, sing my way, because the best you're gonna get is, rye-ray, which is not,

[8:54] that's not the way Frank Sinatra sounds.

[8:56] So I want to say, everybody, that was just a joke.

[8:59] Dachshunds, of course, are adorable dogs bred to have their bodies fall apart so that we

[9:04] may be delighted by the inconvenience with which they live.

[9:07] Dan, continue.

[9:08] So you love old Disney movies.

Dan McCoy

[9:10] Yeah.

[9:10] And I think we all really like Kurt Russell quite a bit.

[9:14] Oh, yeah, he's great.

[9:14] And it's fun to see him back in his, like, not child actor at this point, cusp of adulthood

[9:20] actor days.

Elliott Kalan

[9:22] This is when the ancient Greeks would say he was at his most beautiful, when he's still

[9:27] a young man, but his full beard has not come in yet.

[9:30] Hmm.

Dan McCoy

[9:31] Okay, yeah, thanks.

[9:31] Give me the bearded Kurt Russell.

[9:33] Give me a Kurt Russell with elaborate facial hair, please.

[9:36] Okay, hateful eight.

[9:38] Turn it on.

[9:39] Yeah.

[9:41] Okay, let's just start.

Elliott Kalan

[9:42] So Dan, you're doing the plot today.

[9:43] Let's start talking about this movie.

[9:44] So I want to warn everybody that Dan's doing the plot today.

[9:47] Now, I hear the rustling of papers, which tells me that Dan took notes.

[9:50] I actually took notes.

[9:51] Which is a different thing for him.

Dan McCoy

[9:54] Yeah, but my body sabotaged me.

Stuart Wellington

[9:57] It's weird.

[9:58] They look like they should be notes, but it's just torn out pages of highlights.

[10:01] Lights for Kids.

Elliott Kalan

[10:03] So then Goofus, he does this thing, and Gallant, he does the opposite.

Stuart Wellington

[10:07] And the word jumble isn't even filled out, so I don't know if I'd call it notes.

Elliott Kalan

[10:13] All right, so we start out.

[10:15] So wait, wait, hold on.

[10:16] Fanfare.

[10:16] The Flophouse presents Disney Plus Spectacular Showcase, the Computer Award Tennis Shoes starring

[10:23] Kurt Russell and Cesar Romero, hosted by Dan McCoy.

[10:27] And now, live from the Disney Main Street Electric Parade, it's Dan McCoy.

Dan McCoy

[10:34] I wish I could remember how that theme goes, or I would do it, although my voice is not in.

Stuart Wellington

[10:39] Although this movie had a little theme, right?

[10:41] It was like, da, da, da, computer wore tennis shoes.

Dan McCoy

[10:43] I'm going to get to that.

[10:44] All right, we start off with these pop art kind of credits with a title song about how

[10:49] the computer wore tennis shoes.

[10:50] And it has lyrics like, making the news, paying his dues.

[10:55] And there's computer bleep bloops in the background.

Elliott Kalan

[10:57] They also mention that he is coming up with ideas of what they call a cosmothropic pace,

[11:02] which is a word that I've yet to see anywhere else.

Dan McCoy

[11:07] It's science, Elliot.

[11:09] You wouldn't understand.

[11:10] Good point.

[11:11] True.

[11:12] So we open on, there's a-

Elliott Kalan

[11:14] Wait, wait, wait.

[11:15] Dan, does the theme song illuminate at all how this computer suddenly got shoes on him?

[11:19] Or is it still a mystery?

Dan McCoy

[11:20] It's still a mystery at this point.

[11:22] I believe.

[11:24] I like the whole lyrics down, Elliot.

Stuart Wellington

[11:25] I mean, you just lift up the computer tower and stuff some shoes underneath it.

[11:29] There you go.

[11:30] Yeah.

[11:30] Good point.

[11:31] Like there's a Wicked Witch under there.

[11:33] It's like one of those Mr. Potato Heads.

Elliott Kalan

[11:36] Now, those are two different things you guys have just compared it to.

[11:38] Stuart, yours is a little more apt, I feel, because Mr. Potato Head is wearing the shoes.

[11:42] He's not sitting on top of a dead body that has shoes on it.

[11:45] Whereas, Dan, if it's a Wicked Witch scenario, that is a corpse that has shoes on it.

[11:49] And, of course, you're going to remove those shoes and its feet are going to roll back

[11:52] like two gross Beetlejuice sandworms.

[11:55] Uh-huh.

[11:56] So I guess what I'm saying is, folks, folks, if you see a dead witch under a house,

[12:00] don't steal her shoes, you're just going to end up in a load of trouble when you could

[12:04] have gotten home the entire time by finding a friendly con artist with a hot air balloon.

[12:09] And that's one to grow on.

[12:11] You got it the wrong way around.

Dan McCoy

[12:12] Anyway, so we start in a—

Elliott Kalan

[12:14] She needs the shoes to get by at the end.

[12:15] I'm saying you don't need those shoes if you get in the hot air balloon and your dog

[12:18] jumps out and you're like, all right, goodbye, Toto.

[12:20] I guess you liked Oz more.

[12:21] I can get another dog in Kansas.

[12:23] So it's kind of like how—

Dan McCoy

[12:24] How do we know that that balloon could get you back to Kansas?

[12:27] Come on.

Elliott Kalan

[12:28] I mean, as we know, he makes very clear he doesn't know how it works.

[12:31] But, I mean, he got it from Omaha.

[12:33] Omaha is closer to Kansas than the Emerald City is.

[12:35] So you do the math, Dan.

[12:37] Stuart, you were going to say?

Stuart Wellington

[12:38] So it's kind of like the whole thing where, like, if Indiana Jones just stayed working his

[12:42] normal professor's job, those Nazis would have just been killed by the Ark anyway.

Dan McCoy

[12:46] Yeah, but Marian probably would have been killed by the Nazis.

[12:49] So there was at least something.

Elliott Kalan

[12:51] No, no.

[12:51] They would have brought the Ark to Hitler because he's like, ooh, I want to see this.

[12:55] This is going to be pretty cool.

[12:56] The spirit of death would have—the angel of death would have killed Hitler.

[12:59] War over.

[13:00] Thanks, Indiana Jones, for prolonging the war.

[13:03] Actually, that's a pretty good point.

[13:04] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[13:05] It's not a good point at all.

[13:06] They wanted to—it's not like without Indiana Jones they would have changed the idea of,

[13:10] like, let's look into the Ark ahead of time just to be sure.

Elliott Kalan

[13:12] No, they were only doing that because they wanted to show Indiana Jones how cool they were.

[13:16] If he wasn't there, they'd be like, hey, guys, proper safety procedures.

[13:20] Let's wait till we get this to Berlin before we open up the Ark.

[13:23] Yeah, you're right.

[13:23] You're right.

[13:24] We just—we don't have any Americana Schweinhunds here that we really need to impress by showing

[13:28] how super-duper, uber-tough we are by opening up the Ark right in front of him.

[13:32] So let's wait till we get it home.

[13:33] Yeah, I guess—and then—

Stuart Wellington

[13:34] I guess Elliot just saw Jojo Rabbit.

Elliott Kalan

[13:36] I did just see Jojo Rabbit.

[13:39] Well, as I tweeted about this, the weirdest thing about Jojo Rabbit is that the—

[13:42] the Jojo Rabbit, the actor, the character, he looks like I imagine my son Sammy will look

[13:47] when he is that age.

[13:48] Like, he looks a lot like him.

[13:50] So it's like, okay, so this is what my son looks like as a Nazi.

[13:52] Thanks, Taika.

[13:53] Appreciate it.

Dan McCoy

[13:55] All right.

[13:56] Well, we've only gotten to the credits, so please let me—

Elliott Kalan

[13:59] All right.

[13:59] So, Dan, where does this take place?

[14:01] At a high-tech military installation?

[14:03] A lunar colony?

[14:04] Where?

Dan McCoy

[14:04] No, it's at a college.

[14:06] I have the name written down later, but I forget it right now.

[14:08] I think it's Medford or something.

[14:10] Oh, it's Medfield.

Elliott Kalan

[14:10] Medfield College.

Dan McCoy

[14:11] Yeah.

[14:12] So we open, and the college's dean is talking to—I don't know.

[14:17] I mean, one of the people he's talking to is a professor, so it's unclear.

[14:22] You would think that he was like—this is kind of an administrative meeting, but maybe

[14:25] the professor's on some sort of—

[14:26] I mean, they're talking about a budget, right?

Elliott Kalan

[14:28] Yeah, it appears to me they were talking about the school budget, and Professor Quigley has

[14:32] a proposal.

[14:33] He wants the school to buy a computer.

Stuart Wellington

[14:35] I was trying to remember where I recognized that actor from, because he looks super familiar,

[14:40] and then I saw his credits were like 385 acting credits, and I'm like, well, I could look

[14:46] through this, or I could watch the movie I'm supposed to be watching.

[14:50] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[14:50] I mean, a lot of the actors in this were in tons of movies and TV shows.

[14:54] You've seen them.

Dan McCoy

[14:56] Quigley wants this computer for the science department, and the college dean is like,

[15:01] blah, blah, blah.

[15:02] We don't have the money for that.

[15:03] Meanwhile, the kids, the gang, one of whom being Kurt Russell, have a transmitter hidden

[15:10] in the flowers so they can listen into this administrative meeting that they're fascinated by for some

[15:16] reason.

Stuart Wellington

[15:16] Well, the reason is because they're worried about being on some kind of double secret probation

[15:22] or whatever.

Dan McCoy

[15:22] No, like, the dean denies the computer, and he says, okay, on to our non-gifted students.

[15:29] And it's just interesting that all these quote-unquote bad students are so, like, invested in hearing

[15:35] whether they're, you know, on this bad list of bad students.

[15:38] Well, because here's the thing, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[15:40] This is a pretty subversive movie in a lot of ways, and one of the main reasons is any

[15:44] power structure, I'll tell you what it really has to worry about and who the real enemies

[15:48] are.

[15:49] Not the criminal element or the troublemaking kids.

[15:52] The kids who are invested in the system and want to see positive change.

[15:56] Those are the ones who are really threatening the system at its foundations.

[15:59] And so Dexter, Kurt Russell, and his friends, they're on the bad list, not because they're

[16:03] bad kids, but because they're too interested in seeing good things happen.

[16:08] Oh, okay.

[16:09] Yeah.

[16:09] We'll see how this plays out.

[16:10] Yeah.

[16:11] And that threatens the dean's power.

[16:12] And as you'll see throughout the movie, this is a movie very much about power and the way

[16:17] power corrupts and also the way that power is used as leverage on both an educational and

[16:22] a governmental, and in some ways, and a criminal level.

[16:25] So it's very much about this intersection between what I call the educational scientific

[16:30] criminal complex and how Dexter fits into that, which is as a goofy dude who electroshocks

[16:35] himself by accident.

Stuart Wellington

[16:36] It's kind of like how Saturn, in order to maintain his power, devoured his children,

[16:40] you know?

[16:41] Exactly.

Dan McCoy

[16:42] Yes.

[16:42] I'm beginning to see why Stuart seems more than usually annoyed at Elliot when he's

[16:48] the one doing this.

[16:50] But anyway, they really want this computer, so Kurt Russell is going to get this local

[16:57] businessman to maybe donate.

[16:58] He's like the guy that he worked for.

Elliott Kalan

[17:00] It is very funny that it's like, here's the non-gifted ne'er-do-wells we should kick

[17:04] out.

[17:05] And they're like, we should help a local businessman donate a computer to the college.

[17:09] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[17:10] And lo and behold, who's this businessman?

[17:13] But Cesar Romero, TV's The Joker.

[17:16] And maybe he is playing The Joker out of makeup here, because he, as you will find out, he

[17:20] is a criminal later on.

[17:22] But he's not like a funny criminal.

[17:24] No.

Stuart Wellington

[17:25] I don't know.

[17:26] I think that he does some stuff that's pretty funny.

[17:31] And there's some events over the course of the movie, I feel, that might be an inciting

[17:37] moment that might turn him into The Joker.

[17:39] But we'll get to that.

[17:40] We'll get to that.

Elliott Kalan

[17:40] So you're saying the movie Joker is a remake of the computer where tennis shoes in some

[17:44] ways.

[17:44] Yeah, that's right.

Dan McCoy

[17:45] Mm-hmm.

[17:46] Todd Phillips saw the subplot involving Cesar Romero in this movie.

[17:50] Says, this gives me an idea.

[17:53] Mm-hmm.

[17:54] Yeah.

[17:55] So they talk to the businessman.

[17:58] He's like, I don't know.

[17:59] I already donated all this money.

[18:01] But ultimately, he thinks like maybe he will.

[18:04] And he goes into a secret room behind a portrait of Whistler's mother on the wall.

[18:09] Uh-huh.

[18:10] And they're using their computer that they have in the back to do mysterious betting things.

[18:16] Uh-huh.

[18:17] Gambling.

[18:17] Like fixing sports betting or something.

[18:19] Yeah.

[18:20] It's not totally clear how the computer figures into their...

Elliott Kalan

[18:23] He runs a series of rigged casinos.

[18:25] Yeah.

[18:26] And somehow they need the computer for that.

[18:28] Now, here's one of the more baffling decisions that he makes, which I guess if you're as perverse

Dan McCoy

[18:33] as the Joker, maybe it makes sense in a strange, humorous way.

Elliott Kalan

[18:37] But he's like, well, this computer is the nerve center of our illegal organization.

[18:42] You know what?

[18:42] I think I will donate it to the college.

[18:44] Yeah.

[18:45] Even if it wasn't full of incriminating evidence, why would he give up the thing he needs to

[18:49] run all this, the illegal casinos?

[18:51] Dan, what's going on in his mind other than the sheer, again, perversity of being a living

Dan McCoy

[18:56] joke?

[18:56] Well, he does tell his henchman not to give the money to the college.

[19:03] So maybe he's just going to buy a newer computer with that money and get rid of like old hardware.

[19:08] It is strange, though, that like, I don't know, it seems like Kurt Russell should have

[19:13] made it clear.

[19:14] And it seems like he does make it clear that they need both the money and the computer.

[19:18] But Cesar Romero's like, no, I'm pulling the funding and giving you this giant room-filling

[19:24] computer.

Elliott Kalan

[19:25] Now, it feels like they should have had a scene where his henchman is like, the police are

[19:29] on to us.

[19:29] We got to get rid of the evidence.

[19:31] So he's like, oh, OK, I'll donate the computer to the college.

[19:34] And that way we won't have it.

Stuart Wellington

[19:35] That would have made everything make way more sense in this whole movie.

Elliott Kalan

[19:38] But instead, he's just like, oh, this will save me 20,000 bucks if I send them this incriminating

[19:42] crime computer.

[19:43] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[19:45] Then we get a scene that's kind of not that necessary, where the computer is getting moved

[19:50] into the science department.

[19:51] And the dean comes in angry that Cesar Romero was taking the money back.

[19:55] And he's mad at Kurt Russell's character, Dexter.

Elliott Kalan

[19:58] This scene has one of, there's a couple of jokes in the movie where I'm like, why are these

[20:01] jokes in a kid's movie?

[20:03] And in this one, the professor is bossing them around.

[20:05] And they're like, boy, the professor doesn't waste any time.

[20:07] And he goes, yeah, if he was in charge of the Soviets' five-year plan, it would be done

[20:10] in six months.

[20:12] And it was like, was that something that kids thought was really funny at the time?

[20:14] Like Soviet planning jokes?

Dan McCoy

[20:18] So the good professor is giving, like Quigley, is lecturing on the computer, on computers

[20:25] in general.

[20:26] And he's got these watercolor big diagrams on like placards.

[20:30] And what are they diagrams of, Dan?

[20:34] One's like a guy's head, like a brain.

[20:38] I can't remember.

[20:39] But Quigley, I have noted down here, the actor is William Shallert.

[20:44] Because I too, like Stuart was like, I've seen this guy in a million things.

[20:47] Who is he?

[20:48] But yeah, he's been in too much.

Stuart Wellington

[20:50] He's a, I think he was in a bunch of episodes of The New Gidget.

[20:54] So, write it down, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[20:57] Put that in your dossier from William Shallert.

Stuart Wellington

[21:00] So, Jesus.

[21:03] Like.

[21:04] So he does a lecture, the computer like explodes or something, and he's like, oh, my mainframe

[21:08] thing got all busted.

[21:09] I have to go to Radio Shack.

Elliott Kalan

[21:11] He's showing a really elaborate demonstration of how a computer, properly programmed, can close

[21:15] a window and order groceries over the phone.

Dan McCoy

[21:17] Yeah.

[21:18] Mm-hmm.

[21:20] Yeah, I've got, like, this movie is so nothing that, like, I was like, I made these notes.

[21:26] Sometimes the notes get a little shorthandy.

[21:28] Yeah.

[21:28] And I'm like, oh, I'll remember what it is, because I watched this movie, and no, I don't.

[21:33] Like, it's like, I have this thing.

Elliott Kalan

[21:35] So, read your notes, and we'll puzzle them out like we're deciphering the snowman's clues,

[21:39] because he left us all the clues, Mr. Police.

Dan McCoy

[21:41] Well, I remember this first one, experiment with rain gauge and computer.

[21:44] He put a rain gauge on the roof, and like, if you don't want to go out to the store

[21:50] or whatever, like, the computer will phone for you to have it delivered, or I don't know.

[21:55] It was really funny.

Elliott Kalan

[21:55] He's like, why should I expend the effort of shutting one window and calling the store

[22:00] and speaking to them for 30 seconds when I can spend several hours programming this computer

[22:04] to do those for me?

Dan McCoy

[22:06] Yeah, but the note that I don't quite understand, it says, space computer.

[22:10] Experiment does crazy stuff with door and phone.

[22:13] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[22:14] Yep.

[22:14] I mean, the phone just starts, like, lifting up and down, and the door starts slamming.

[22:18] It's kind of got, it was reminiscent of the, like, when the evil spirit takes over the cabin

[22:23] in Evil Dead 2.

[22:25] Yeah.

[22:25] And everything starts saying, dead by dawn.

[22:27] Yeah.

[22:27] That's kind of what it reminded me of.

[22:28] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[22:28] I think what happens is they posit, I think, that the computer used to be used for space

[22:32] experiments, and so that information may still be in it, and they ask it about it, and it

[22:37] goes nuts.

[22:38] Oh.

Stuart Wellington

[22:38] Oh, okay.

[22:39] Crazy.

[22:39] So something like, one of the things got fried out, and he's like, oh, well, I guess I'll

[22:45] never be able to fix this ever again, and then Kurt Russell's like, okay, I'll drive a couple

[22:49] hours to the store to buy you a new one.

Dan McCoy

[22:52] Well, no, he's, yeah, I think he's, I think he's, yeah, stealing it from where he used to

[22:57] work or whatever.

Elliott Kalan

[22:57] Well, he's, he's trying to get out of, he's trying to get out of studying for this big

[23:01] test that's coming up.

[23:01] The dean is like, the big, the big standardized test is coming up tomorrow, and we, last year,

[23:07] we were second to last in the whole state.

Dan McCoy

[23:10] Yeah, and Kurt Russell drives in the rain, and the rain is this great, like, that rear

[23:13] screen projection that just looks like a bunch of crazy scribbles out the window.

Elliott Kalan

[23:17] I mean, and we can barely see it, because he's plastered his windshield and windows with

[23:21] the stuff he's supposed to be studying.

[23:23] So while he's driving, he's reading and trying to study, and I'm like, ugh, to be able to

[23:27] read and drive at the same time.

[23:28] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[23:29] That's a real, yeah, that's a real long haul trucker technique, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[23:34] And he's also peeing in a bottle and then hurling the bottle out the window.

[23:38] Yeah.

[23:39] So.

Dan McCoy

[23:39] Saying breaker breaker and stuff.

[23:41] Yeah.

[23:42] Kurt, Kurt goes into the classroom late at night to replace his part, and he, and there's

[23:47] like rain on, water on the floor, and he holds a couple of wires, and he gets electrocuted.

Stuart Wellington

[23:54] But luckily the rubber soles of his tennis shoes would protect him from this.

[23:59] Could be.

[24:00] Maybe that's why he doesn't die.

[24:02] He zap pretty hard.

[24:03] I think he's always wearing dress shoes in this movie, which I think is the craziest choice.

Dan McCoy

[24:08] Well, also, also, my girlfriend pointed out that he's always wearing the same sweater.

[24:15] Yeah.

[24:16] Like everyone else changes clothes in the movie, and he briefly does when he becomes like more

[24:20] like famous and powerful.

[24:21] But he's basically.

Elliott Kalan

[24:22] He changes into some pretty snazzy clothes eventually.

Dan McCoy

[24:24] Yeah.

[24:24] But he's basically wearing the same sweater.

[24:26] She was mostly interested in this movie for the costumes, which were a lot of fun.

[24:30] Yeah.

[24:31] A lot of ascots and such.

Elliott Kalan

[24:33] He made, I think that sweater has something important to him.

[24:36] It's just an important sweater, because I think, I was looking up, there's deleted scenes,

[24:40] and there's a scene where he explains to someone that if they want to destroy his sweater, they

[24:44] should just pull the thread as he walks away.

[24:46] Uh-huh.

[24:46] And leave him naked, lying on the floor.

[24:48] And they're like, I don't want that to happen to you, Dexter.

[24:51] You're my friend.

[24:51] He's like, okay, then I guess I'll just wear this sweater forever.

[24:54] And it pans over to.

Stuart Wellington

[24:55] It's weird why they removed that, because, I mean, I guess it makes sense, because this

[24:57] movie is all killer, no filler.

Elliott Kalan

[25:00] Yeah.

[25:00] And it pans over to a little baby with big, chunky glasses on, who goes, goo goo ga ga weezer?

[25:06] And that's, of course, the actual Rivers Phoenix, Rivers Cuomo, sorry, not Rivers

[25:10] Phoenix, the actual Rivers Cuomo in a cameo as a baby.

[25:13] So it's just a huge coincidence that he later wrote a song with those same lyrics in it.

Stuart Wellington

[25:17] And also, like, timing-wise, I guess that makes sense, because this movie came out in,

[25:21] what, 68?

Elliott Kalan

[25:23] Yeah, and I think he's, what, like, 70 years old?

[25:27] This was something that my former, whoa.

Stuart Wellington

[25:31] Sorry, I'm getting all crazy here.

Elliott Kalan

[25:34] Former Flophouse guest Jenny Jaffe said to me once she realized that Weezer is dad rock

[25:37] now, and I'm like, I think it always kind of was dad rock.

Dan McCoy

[25:41] Mm-hmm.

[25:43] Okay, so.

Elliott Kalan

[25:43] Opinions, Dan?

[25:44] Do you want to take on that hot take about Weezer?

[25:47] No, I don't.

[25:47] That it's dad rock?

Dan McCoy

[25:47] I don't want to do that at all.

[25:49] So, Dan, as you made it clear.

Elliott Kalan

[25:53] It's been raining.

[25:54] He got zapped, and then he got zapped again.

[25:55] Oh, God, why do you have to recap?

Dan McCoy

[25:57] I'm moving on.

[25:58] Because I want to talk about him being zapped.

[26:00] Yeah, he got zapped.

[26:01] And zapped again.

[26:03] And then he's asleep in his dorm room, and he's sleep talking all this, like, computer nonsense,

[26:10] and there's beeps and boops going on for some reason.

[26:14] I think I know the reason.

[26:15] Yeah.

[26:16] And so, finally, it's the day of this big standardized test.

[26:19] Uh-huh.

[26:20] Kurt and his buddies are taking it, and Dexter, his character, suddenly knows everything.

[26:26] He's zooming through this test.

[26:29] And, again, there's beep noises as he thinks.

[26:31] Yeah.

[26:32] Like, I don't know.

[26:32] Like, being electrocuted has somehow also imparted that to him.

[26:37] It's turned his brain into a computer.

Elliott Kalan

[26:39] A computer that, brace yourself, wears tennis shoes.

[26:43] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[26:44] So, he finishes his test super fast, and then he, like, eats a sandwich really loud.

Elliott Kalan

[26:50] It's such a weird scene, because it goes from being about how he finishes the test super fast

[26:54] to about how everything he's doing is loud and distracting to everyone else in the room.

[26:58] And this is the loudest sandwich.

Dan McCoy

[26:59] It's like, why did you bring a sandwich with you to the test, Kurt?

[27:02] Well, but also, like, no sandwich has ever been this loud.

[27:04] It's like he's eating a sandwich filled with gravel.

[27:06] Like, it's crazy how much the thing crunches.

Stuart Wellington

[27:08] Maybe he threw some potato chips on there.

[27:10] Yeah, to get some crunch on the test.

[27:11] Even though it was when it got soggy while he was taking the test.

[27:14] Oh, yeah, I guess that makes sense.

[27:15] It's filled with, like, pork cracklings and stuff.

Dan McCoy

[27:19] So, the dean, of course, thinks that he cheated on this test, because he got everything right

[27:25] super fast, but Quigley doesn't think that he cheated.

[27:28] And I have in my notes, because, question mark, question mark, question mark.

[27:33] I mean, other than, like, he likes this kid.

[27:35] I don't know why.

Stuart Wellington

[27:36] Don't they, like, immediately take him to the doctor, and they start examining him?

Dan McCoy

[27:40] Yeah, so I'm going to get to that right now.

[27:42] The doctor looks in his ears and shows them, and there's blinking computer lights inside

[27:47] his ears.

[27:49] And then, also...

[27:51] They do, like, an x-ray of his head, and there's, like, videos and stuff.

[27:53] There's gambling stuff and a bikini woman in, like, I think it was, like, a banana car or something.

Elliott Kalan

[27:59] I thought it was a bathtub car.

[28:00] A bathtub car, that's right.

[28:01] I was waiting for that to pay off, because I'm like, okay, computer parts in his brain,

[28:04] he's a computer, and there's gambling, because the computer's being used for gambling, and

[28:08] I guess the computer likes to visualize what it's thinking about.

[28:10] But then I didn't understand why the bikini girl in a bathtub car, maybe that's just a

[28:14] sexual fantasy that was already in his brain.

Dan McCoy

[28:16] Yeah, I think that's just meant to be Dexter's normal thoughts that are still in there.

[28:20] Yeah.

[28:20] He's a budding surrealist.

[28:23] Like, how you sometimes see Homer's thoughts, and it's like, you know, a cartoon playing

[28:28] turkey in the straw or whatever.

[28:29] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[28:30] So you're saying, Dan, if you got zapped by that computer, they'd look into your mind,

[28:34] and it'd be, like, a little bit of math, and a little bit of gambling, and then just,

[28:38] like, a parade of butts?

[28:39] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[28:40] A butt parade sounds terrific.

[28:42] Mm-hmm.

[28:42] Let's make it happen.

[28:43] Let's get the permits today.

[28:46] I'm glad you're going through the right channels.

Elliott Kalan

[28:50] Well, because this is going to be down Fifth Avenue, right?

[28:52] The Canyon to Heroes.

Dan McCoy

[28:52] Wow, that's not cheap.

[28:54] No.

[28:54] It's going to be ticker tape, butt parade.

Elliott Kalan

[28:56] Guys, can I take a moment to complain about something that happened during the Macy's Thanksgiving

[29:00] Day Parade?

[29:01] Sure.

[29:01] I would love it.

[29:02] Let's put the brakes on this speeding car.

[29:03] And at the very beginning of it, the host says, he's like, there are people here from

[29:07] all over the country, and that's what this day is all about, people coming together to

[29:11] enjoy the parade.

[29:12] And I was like, this holiday is not about the parade.

[29:14] Hold on a second.

[29:15] Like, wait a minute.

[29:17] Let's not go that far.

[29:18] And it just irked me, you know?

[29:19] Yeah.

[29:20] And I love the Macy's.

Stuart Wellington

[29:21] Yeah.

[29:22] That speech was given by the owner of Macy's, William H. Macy's.

[29:26] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[29:26] And he's just trying to get over the fact that his wife is a criminal now, so I understand

[29:30] it.

Dan McCoy

[29:31] I love that parade, but mostly for nostalgic reasons.

[29:35] Like, the idea that I...

[29:35] For the Peanuts characters.

[29:37] What?

[29:37] For the Peanuts characters.

[29:39] Yeah, kind of.

[29:40] But, like, I love, you know, when I was a kid, I watched it, I'm like, ooh, big balloons.

[29:43] But now I watch it, and I'm...

[29:45] Now you watch porn for the same reason.

[29:47] I watch it mostly to be amused by the fact that it's like, okay, what NBC stars can we

[29:54] shoehorn in here?

[29:55] Because NBC owns this property.

[29:58] Well, actually, it was on CBS this year.

[30:00] Can you believe it?

[30:01] No, it wasn't.

[30:02] It was where I was.

[30:04] I don't think...

[30:05] CBS has its own parade.

Elliott Kalan

[30:08] Yeah, it's called the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade.

Dan McCoy

[30:10] I was watching it, and it had Al Roker on it, and Al Roker, I believe, is an NBC personality.

Elliott Kalan

[30:15] Maybe they had different coverage, because I definitely saw the CBS version of it, because

[30:19] there were a lot of stars from Evil, but...

[30:22] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[30:23] But also, it's like, all your favorite corporate mascots are gonna be on a balloon coming down...

Elliott Kalan

[30:28] I was like, the Pillsbury Doughboy was going down the street, and Sammy was like, who's

[30:32] that?

[30:32] And I'm like, oh, that's the Pillsbury Doughboy.

[30:34] He's this guy, and I'm like, who's just in commercials, and he just sells baked goods,

[30:38] and all he is is a corporate product.

[30:41] And also, when you poke him, he goes, whoo-hoo!

[30:43] And Sammy was like, I like him.

[30:45] And I was like...

[30:46] He is pretty cute.

[30:47] He is very cute, but I was like, oh, yeah, he has no...

[30:49] There's literally nothing to him except trying to sell, like, toaster rolls and things like

[30:54] that.

[30:54] Like, there's no...

[30:56] He's not a...

[30:56] He's not from a movie or anything like that, and it really struck me hard that, guys...

[31:01] I guess commercials are art when you look at it.

Dan McCoy

[31:04] Yes.

[31:06] I've zoned out, so I hope I didn't agree with something dumb.

Stuart Wellington

[31:09] Yeah, I mean, you basically...

[31:11] You agreed to the premise of Mad Men.

[31:14] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[31:15] So, Dexter's gonna be on TV, and there's another, presumably even more evil dean who wants to

[31:22] steal Dexter to his school.

[31:24] State.

[31:25] From the state school.

Elliott Kalan

[31:26] This is one of those movies where, like in Ghostbusters, where the people who work for

[31:31] a public utility or administration are the bad guy.

[31:34] Uh-huh.

[31:35] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[31:36] So, professors from other schools quizzed Dexter, and Dexter is getting more and more computer-like

[31:42] by the moment.

[31:42] At one point, he says, we've wasted 38 seconds on applause already.

[31:47] Perhaps if we save the applause at the end, it will go more smoothly.

[31:50] I'm gonna start incorporating that bit into our live shows, I think.

[31:53] And, like, this new cockiness of Dexter's turns his friends against him almost immediately.

[32:00] Uh-huh.

[32:01] And it's like this, like, it's weird.

[32:03] He's barely more cocky, and they, who have presumably been friends with him for, you know,

[32:10] a few years at this point, are like, fuck this guy.

[32:13] Wow.

[32:14] And his tennis shoes.

Stuart Wellington

[32:15] It's kind of weird that you're taking the side of the guy who becomes, like, a cocky,

[32:18] distant jerk over...

[32:20] It's not like a...

[32:22] Over his friends.

Elliott Kalan

[32:23] No, especially when, as you know, because you've seen the movie, his friends save him from

[32:27] gangsters at the end, at the risk of their own life.

Dan McCoy

[32:30] Mm-hmm.

[32:31] I mean, that seems like, you know, that doesn't seem like...

Elliott Kalan

[32:35] Dan thinks they're doing that for their own ends.

[32:37] That's the least I could do.

[32:38] If my friend was kidnapped by gangsters, the least I could do is solve the problem myself.

[32:44] With no training, go undercover and rescue him.

Dan McCoy

[32:47] Well, I mean, that's their stupidity.

[32:49] They could have enlisted professional help in this matter.

[32:52] Yeah, that's right.

Stuart Wellington

[32:52] If only they were all computers, too.

[32:54] Yeah.

[32:54] Yeah, then they'd know how to call the police.

[32:55] I feel like there should have been a subplot in this movie where one of the other kids tries

[32:59] to become a computer.

[33:00] He like...

[33:00] He like electrocutes himself to death.

[33:04] But only Dexter can do that in his laboratory.

Elliott Kalan

[33:06] Wait a minute.

[33:07] Dexter's laboratory.

[33:09] Yeah.

[33:09] Now I get it.

Stuart Wellington

[33:10] Maybe it was a pair of brothers, the Scolari brothers, perhaps, who were trying...

Dan McCoy

[33:14] We'll figure it out.

[33:15] So Dexter gets off a plane, and this is very important.

[33:19] He's wearing a double-breasted pinstripe suit with a turtleneck.

[33:23] Mm-hmm.

[33:24] Yep.

[33:24] And he kisses two girls, and Annie gets mad, and I have girlfriend, question mark, because

[33:30] it's never really clear whether they actually are involved or whether she's just jealous.

Stuart Wellington

[33:37] Yeah.

[33:37] I mean, I think there's some kind of connection whether or not it's been made official.

[33:41] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[33:42] I mean, and you've got to assume she's got a crush on him.

[33:44] He's Kurt Russell.

[33:45] He's very handsome.

[33:45] But I would be offended if I saw my friend, who's starting to become a condescending jerk,

[33:51] get off a plane on TV, and two women he's never met before walk up to him to hand him flowers

[33:56] just as a welcoming committee, and he immediately just starts macking on both of them in front

[34:00] of the camera, just because of the entitlement.

[34:02] You know?

[34:03] He's got that computer wore tennis shoes entitlement that all computers with tennis shoes have,

[34:08] that they can just do whatever they want without any consequences.

[34:12] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[34:12] Meanwhile, normal computers without tennis shoes are out there every day, like dealing with

[34:18] stuff that he can't even comprehend.

[34:20] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[34:20] Well, what about a radio with bowling shoes?

[34:23] Talk to him.

[34:24] Find out about your privileged computer with tennis shoes.

[34:26] This radio with bowling shoes is living a totally different America than you are.

Dan McCoy

[34:31] So Dexter gets this ticker tape parade, which is hilarious because it cuts between stock footage

[34:36] of a ticker tape parade and a tight shot on the car where someone's throwing confetti at

[34:42] him and he's waving madly.

[34:44] And then he goes to the UN and he's just sort of standing around talking to world leaders

[34:48] in front of the UN.

[34:49] In different languages.

[34:50] Yeah.

[34:51] Anyway, so Encyclopedia CEO contacts the dean about college, like an education bowl, like

[34:59] a quiz bowl thing.

Elliott Kalan

[35:00] It's called college knowledge.

Dan McCoy

[35:02] And the other evil dean wants him so they can win.

Elliott Kalan

[35:06] I think it's a little far to call him an evil dean.

Dan McCoy

[35:09] Well, yeah.

[35:10] Maybe just from the perspective of our main dean, is he evil?

[35:14] But, you know, in college movies all the demons are evil.

[35:18] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[35:18] It's so funny because the dean is set up in the first scene as if he's going to be the

[35:22] bad guy.

[35:23] He doesn't like our heroes.

[35:24] He's denying the good professor his computer.

[35:27] And then this other dean comes in and is like, oh, he should come to my school, which

[35:30] has a lot more resources.

[35:31] And suddenly we're supposed to be like, no, I love the dean from Medfield.

Dan McCoy

[35:36] Medfield's a great school.

[35:37] I mean, it's the devil you know, you know.

[35:39] Good point.

[35:40] We'll turn to this, like, it's not quite a montage.

[35:42] Let's call it a series of short scenes just like showing Dexter's life changing.

[35:46] He's watching a giant diamond get cut.

[35:49] Oh, yeah.

[35:49] And he's like, I know how to cut this diamond.

[35:51] And the diamond cutter's like very offended by this.

[35:54] And he tries to cut it and it shatters into a million little pieces.

Stuart Wellington

[35:58] That's a good way to show how much smarter he is.

[36:00] Yeah.

[36:01] Is he used something that everyone's familiar with, the idea that it's hard to cut a diamond.

Elliott Kalan

[36:05] Also, the idea that he must have, like, this is taking place in an alternate universe

[36:09] where diamonds are not the hardest substance known to man.

Dan McCoy

[36:13] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[36:14] Oh, and did you mention that we learned that Dexter is not yet registered for the spring semester?

Dan McCoy

[36:20] Oh, right.

[36:20] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[36:21] It's not certain that he's going to definitely go to Medfield next semester.

[36:25] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[36:25] And we also see him at Cape Kennedy where there's a rocket going off.

[36:30] And Cesar Romero calls him about a job in his organization.

Elliott Kalan

[36:35] And he calls him at the base, right?

[36:36] At the rocket base.

Dan McCoy

[36:38] Put me through to the computer who wears tennis shoes.

[36:41] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[36:42] This is a local wealthy man.

[36:44] I'm a businessman in the California area.

[36:47] Put me through to the most famous man in America who's at your rocket base watching a rocket ship.

[36:51] Okay.

[36:52] Well, the rocket's about to launch and we brought him here to watch it for some reason.

[36:55] So, but yeah.

[36:56] Okay.

[36:56] You can talk to him.

[36:57] Because there's no punchline to this.

[36:59] They don't need him there.

[37:00] You just see footage of a rocket taking off.

Dan McCoy

[37:02] Yeah.

[37:02] I mean, you know, he's doing smart stuff like going to NASA.

[37:05] But anyway.

[37:06] So, Dexter like sort of blows off the dean to meet with Cesar Romero.

[37:11] And Cesar Romero takes Dexter to the track where Dexter suggests this long shot bet.

[37:19] And a mackadoodle, the horse that he says should come, comes from way behind.

[37:26] And over the course of, I assume, the whole afternoon, Cesar Romero wins $28,000 because of Dexter's picking the horses.

[37:36] And like, it seems that if Dexter just has the information that was in Cesar Romero's computer in the first place,

[37:42] like he should have been, Arno, the Cesar Romero character, should have been able to do this the whole time.

[37:47] He doesn't need it to be transferred into Kurt Russell.

Stuart Wellington

[37:50] Filtered through Kurt Russell's unique perspective.

[37:53] Yeah.

[37:53] I guess that makes sense.

[37:54] You would also think that like the mafiosos who run the track would be like,

[37:58] uh, these guys are winning too much because of this kid.

Elliott Kalan

[38:01] Maybe we should ban the computer-brained kid.

[38:03] Mm-hmm.

[38:05] And this is also much to the chagrin of Arno Cesar Romero's main henchman.

[38:10] Yeah, his major domo.

[38:12] Yeah, who's used to giving him horse tips.

[38:14] Now, I know, the horse name is McAdoodle?

[38:16] That makes more sense.

[38:17] I thought his name was Market Doodle.

[38:19] And I was like, I don't know what kind of market has doodles.

Stuart Wellington

[38:22] But I mean, horse names are always crazy, right?

[38:25] Yeah, that's true.

[38:26] Like, I don't think you can own a horse and you're like, oh, I'm going to name my horse Jeffrey.

[38:30] And everyone else will be like, nope, you're not allowed.

Elliott Kalan

[38:32] Nope, you got to name him Tangerine Explosion.

Dan McCoy

[38:35] I think I misread it before.

[38:36] I think it's in between what we both said.

[38:39] It's Markadoodle.

[38:41] Oh, that makes more sense.

[38:42] That makes way more sense.

Elliott Kalan

[38:43] Named after the famous explorer, Marco Markadoodle.

[38:47] It's the father of Rockadoodle.

[38:49] Now, let's take a moment.

[38:51] Guys, if you had a horse, a racehorse, what would you name it?

Dan McCoy

[38:54] Dan's horse.

Elliott Kalan

[38:56] Okay, Dan, pushing the limits of the human imagination once again.

[39:00] I bow to the sheer power of human creativity.

[39:04] Dan, once again, you've shown that the only power in the universe that cannot be overcome

[39:10] is that of expression and art and creative thinking.

[39:14] So, Dan, thank you for that.

[39:16] Dan's horse.

[39:17] You're welcome.

Stuart Wellington

[39:18] Whole new vistas of perception open before me.

Elliott Kalan

[39:22] What's weird is Dan had to go into a hallucinogenic trance to talk to his spirit animal to go

[39:27] so far beyond the unexpected that he ended up at the most expected name.

Stuart Wellington

[39:31] That's the thing.

[39:32] It can only come from this fever state that Dan's in right now from his sickness.

[39:36] And now if he wants to tap into that, he's going to have to make himself sick every time.

[39:40] Yeah.

[39:41] And so, Stuart, what would you name your horse?

[39:43] Man, probably Stuart's horse.

[39:46] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[39:47] Guys, I'm blown away.

[39:51] I love what I'm hearing.

[39:52] I give you both A pluses.

Dan McCoy

[39:56] So, both of these deans are keen on getting Dexter to roll for the next semester.

[40:01] A couple of keen deans.

[40:02] Yeah, keen deans.

[40:03] And they're following...

[40:04] So, they follow him...

Elliott Kalan

[40:05] That sounds like a 50s all-male acapella group, the keen deans.

[40:09] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[40:10] They follow him to an illegal casino...

[40:13] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[40:14] ...called Garibaldi's because this movie is racist.

Dan McCoy

[40:17] The casino gets raided and the deans wind up in a jail cell together.

[40:22] Mm-hmm.

[40:23] And as well as in a different cell, Dexter and Cesar Romero's henchman.

Elliott Kalan

[40:30] They have a scene...

[40:31] I kept wanting this scene to be like the one in The Master when Philip Seymour Hoffman and

[40:35] Joaquin Phoenix are in those jail cells and they're just yelling at each other.

[40:38] Yep.

[40:38] And breaking toilets.

[40:40] Now...

[40:41] But nary a privy is shattered in this movie.

Dan McCoy

[40:44] Now, at this point, Dexter gets disillusioned about how everyone wants a piece of him.

[40:49] And the character arc of this movie has been so fast.

[40:53] Like, he becomes like a jerk, a mild jerk very quickly.

[40:59] We see a few scenes of that.

[41:00] And then he, like, repents very quickly.

Elliott Kalan

[41:04] Now, Dan, you have to realize this movie is only 91 minutes and fully 40 minutes of that

[41:08] is the least fun chase scene in the history of movies.

Dan McCoy

[41:10] Well, that's what I was going to say.

[41:11] If I was going to be charitable, I would say, okay, this is 91 minutes long.

[41:15] They don't have a lot of space for, like, you know, like this character development.

[41:19] But then I think of all of the wonderful, marvelous pieces of entertainment out there that manage

[41:24] to pack amazing amounts of story and character into an equal amount of time.

[41:30] And I think, shame on you, computer wear tennis shoes.

Elliott Kalan

[41:35] Or less.

[41:36] This movie is at least four times as long as the It's a Good Life episode of The Twilight Zone.

[41:40] Yeah.

[41:41] And it fails to reach those heights.

Stuart Wellington

[41:43] Which I think also features the guy who plays Quigley.

Dan McCoy

[41:49] So Dexter's friends have come to bail him out.

[41:54] Yeah, they're pooling all their money to bail him out.

[41:56] Yeah, Cesar Romero has already bailed him out.

[41:58] So he sees them bailing him out.

[42:00] And that convinces him to stay at the current school because he loves these people too much.

[42:06] And he apologizes.

Elliott Kalan

[42:07] And what was the name of that school again, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[42:09] Medfield.

[42:10] Right.

[42:10] Dex apologizes to Annie.

[42:12] I apologize to Annie.

[42:13] Maybe his girlfriend.

[42:14] I asked you that.

[42:15] Who knows?

Elliott Kalan

[42:15] Assuming you would not have remembered the name.

[42:17] I apologize for underestimating you because you did remember the name.

[42:20] Yes.

[42:21] Well, that's in my notes.

[42:23] So yeah, let's talk.

[42:25] Dan, at this point you still think maybe it's his girlfriend.

Dan McCoy

[42:28] Who knows?

[42:29] Who knows?

[42:30] I mean, he specifically apologizes to her.

[42:32] I mean, it's a crazy time in your life, man, being in college.

[42:35] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[42:36] That's true.

[42:37] You're making your own rules.

[42:38] Why put labels on things?

Stuart Wellington

[42:40] Yeah.

[42:40] Okay.

[42:41] So.

Elliott Kalan

[42:41] Hey, you're that computer that wore the tennis shoes.

[42:43] Hey, I don't like putting labels on things.

[42:45] Mm-hmm.

[42:46] Just call me Dexter, which I guess is also a kind of label.

Stuart Wellington

[42:48] Though you may think in binary, your relationships don't have to be, you know?

Elliott Kalan

[42:54] So that's a very open-minded, gender-fluid computer that you're portraying there, Stuart.

[43:00] Yeah.

[43:00] And I appreciate that.

Dan McCoy

[43:01] So Dexter is prepping for this quiz bowl.

[43:05] He's reading through a whole encyclopedia, Johnny Five style.

[43:08] Yep.

[43:09] And he, the dean has like names of a bunch of smart students he wants on the team.

[43:14] But Dexter picks his friends.

[43:17] Uh-huh.

[43:17] Because I don't know why.

[43:19] He picks that Skylar dude who's something else.

[43:23] So they're in the quiz and Dexter doesn't want to hog all the questions.

[43:28] So he tries to feed his friends the answers.

[43:31] Uh-huh.

[43:31] And they are such idiots that they can't apparently just hear an answer and repeat it to the moderator.

[43:39] So.

Stuart Wellington

[43:40] So they have some, they have a rocky start, but they still win, right?

[43:42] Yeah, they still win.

Elliott Kalan

[43:43] I will say, Dan, I have been in that exact situation.

[43:47] Mm-hmm.

[43:47] And I was on a quiz.

[43:48] On this podcast.

[43:49] On this podcast, yeah.

[43:51] But I was on my high school quiz bowl team.

[43:53] We were in a quiz bowl tournament.

[43:54] And the answer to a question, it was this thing where it was like bird puns was the category.

[43:59] And the answer to this one was, but it was one of these rounds where only the captain of the team could answer.

[44:03] And I was not the captain.

[44:04] Although I eventually took an Uzi and pointed at him.

[44:07] And I said, I'm the captain now.

Stuart Wellington

[44:08] Yeah, you don't have the force of charisma to be a captain, Elliot.

[44:13] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[44:13] I guess, you know what, that movie wasn't an Uzi.

[44:14] It was probably an AK-47.

[44:15] No, it was like just a rifle.

[44:17] It was like a collision.

[44:17] Oh, it wasn't even an automatic weapon?

[44:19] No, it was an automatic rifle.

[44:20] Or like a bowcaster or something.

[44:22] It was a bowcaster or a ray blast.

[44:24] Yeah, let's look it up.

[44:26] It was a bat left.

[44:27] It was a slingshot with an acorn full of gunpowder.

[44:31] So the answer to this one question was, eat crow.

[44:35] That was the phrase.

[44:36] Yeah.

[44:36] And the captain was like, I don't know, what is it?

[44:39] And I was like, eat crow.

[44:40] And he's like, e crow?

[44:42] No, eat crow.

[44:43] Like the phrase.

[44:44] E crow?

[44:45] I don't understand.

[44:45] What are you telling me?

[44:46] And I was so frustrated.

[44:47] I was like, how are you a high school student who is the captain of this academic team and

[44:51] you've never heard the phrase eat crow before?

[44:53] Come on, man.

[44:54] So I understand it's very frustrating.

[44:56] But guys, here's where this movie made a big mistake.

[45:01] Okay.

[45:01] Huge.

[45:02] Because it works on commission.

[45:03] Big mistake.

[45:04] Huge.

[45:04] So their final category is the work of Marcel Duchamp.

[45:09] This is when my ears prick up because I happen to be a particular aficionado of Marcel Duchamp.

[45:15] And I may be wrong about this, but seems to me they identified one of his paintings as

[45:21] nude descending a staircase when in fact that painting's title is nude descending a staircase

[45:26] number two.

[45:28] Dexter, your team is disqualified.

[45:29] Get the fuck off the college knowledge set.

[45:31] Guys, we just, we was mad as I was that this 1960s Disney movie failed to completely accurately

[45:37] relay the title of the painting that was the hit and also scandal of the Armory show of

[45:43] 1913.

[45:45] You know what?

[45:45] I'm going to cancel my subscription.

Stuart Wellington

[45:47] You just added new depth to the scene where his friends just can't get it.

[45:52] Like they have to accept that they are not smart.

[45:55] And that's kind of how I feel right now.

Dan McCoy

[45:58] So the evil Dean is like, or the other Dean, let's call him the other Dean since he, yes,

[46:03] he's not that evil.

Elliott Kalan

[46:04] Yeah, let's call him state school Dean.

[46:06] State school Dean.

[46:07] Which in any other movie would make him the hero of the movie.

Dan McCoy

[46:10] Wants Dexter's Dean to withdraw Dexter because it's unfair.

[46:14] Which is right.

[46:15] It's the Teen Wolf logic.

[46:17] Yeah.

[46:17] Meanwhile, Cesar Romero is watching the finals.

Elliott Kalan

[46:21] I wish there were scenes of the state school Dean electrocuting his students trying to get

[46:24] one of them to have a computer.

Stuart Wellington

[46:25] That's what I was saying.

[46:27] That's what this movie needs.

Elliott Kalan

[46:29] Let's just, we've got to replicate him.

[46:31] How many students have we electrocuted?

[46:32] 79.

[46:33] What are the results?

[46:34] 50 of them died.

[46:35] Keep going.

[46:36] We need to win college knowledge and that encyclopedia money.

Stuart Wellington

[46:40] Yeah.

[46:40] He goes down to the basement.

[46:41] It's just filled with coffins of Hugh Jackman's body.

Elliott Kalan

[46:46] The cloning machine works great.

[46:48] I don't care about the cloning machine.

[46:50] Clone one with a computer in his brain.

Dan McCoy

[46:52] So, Cesar Romero is watching the Quiz Bowl finals and he's like, oh man, we missed out on this

[46:58] guy.

[46:59] We should have him in our organization.

[47:01] And Dexter answers a question where the answer is Applejack.

[47:06] Which, like, causes him to start spouting Cesar Romero's private casino info.

[47:12] Yeah, it's like a fugue state.

[47:14] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[47:15] Applejack was one of the code words.

Dan McCoy

[47:17] Yeah.

[47:18] So, Cesar Romero...

Elliott Kalan

[47:19] I assume the question was, what breakfast cereal was sold for years despite nobody liking

[47:24] it?

Dan McCoy

[47:24] No, it was about the liquor Applejack.

Elliott Kalan

[47:26] Oh, so not about the cereal Applejacks.

[47:28] Yeah, no, no, no.

[47:29] Because they were like, what do kids love?

[47:30] They love apples and they love the game Jacks.

[47:32] What if we combine them into one amazing cereal?

[47:36] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[47:37] Yeah, that chokes people?

Elliott Kalan

[47:39] Yeah, exactly.

[47:40] Much like with Fruit Loops, they were like, kids love fruit.

[47:43] They love misspelling things.

[47:44] And they love loops.

[47:46] They like to close loops, like in the hit book, Getting Things Done, where they talk about closing

[47:50] work loops.

[47:51] Kids love that.

[47:52] So, let's combine them into one cereal.

[47:54] Now, who would be the best spokesman for this thing?

[47:55] It's fruit, it's loops, a toucan, of course.

[47:58] Nothing says fruit and the shape of a loop like a toucan.

[48:03] Yep.

[48:03] Okay.

[48:04] So, kids love the cold.

[48:06] They like it when it's a snow day and they don't have school.

[48:08] Frosted, when things are frosted.

[48:09] And kids love flakes.

[48:11] Just shake their, just scratch their head.

[48:12] It's full of dandruff.

[48:13] They love those flakes.

[48:14] So many flakes.

[48:15] And so, frosted flakes.

[48:16] Well, what says to me, ooh, sugar frosted skin flakes?

[48:20] A tiger, of course.

[48:21] Sure.

[48:22] Yes, a tiger.

[48:23] Now, we're going to need some kind of slogan that tells people that the cereal is great.

[48:26] We can't just come out and say, they're great.

[48:28] Wait, why can't we?

[48:30] Hold on a second.

[48:31] Oh, yeah.

[48:32] Now, here's my scene from the Mad Men episode that never got made about frosted flakes.

[48:36] Okay.

[48:36] They're up all night trying to figure out a slogan for this cereal.

[48:39] And he's like, well, what do we think about them?

[48:42] Uh, they're frosted, sugary, crunchy.

[48:46] What if we said, they're crunchy?

[48:48] No, it doesn't work.

[48:49] That's wrong.

[48:49] Well, I mean, they're just, they're great.

[48:50] Sure.

[48:50] Hold on.

[48:51] Yeah.

[48:52] Say that again.

[48:53] What did you just say?

[48:54] I said, they're great.

[48:56] Wait, but you were coughing when you said it.

[48:58] So, the grr got extended.

[48:59] But we need a spokesman who could extend a grr for a length of time.

[49:04] Who should it be?

[49:05] Uh, some kind of a wolf?

[49:07] No, no, no.

[49:07] Wolves howl.

[49:08] They don't growl.

[49:09] Uh, like a bear?

[49:10] It can't be a bear.

[49:11] Remember?

[49:11] Yeah.

[49:11] There's already a smoky bear, and he's a nightmare to work with.

[49:15] He's a huge prima donna.

[49:17] Well, what if it was like a tiger?

[49:19] A real tiger that people would, it would eat the children.

[49:23] No, no.

[49:23] What about a cartoon tiger?

[49:24] A cartoon tiger.

[49:26] You mean like Cool Cat?

[49:27] The crappiest Looney Tunes cartoon there ever was?

[49:29] No, no, no.

[49:29] Not like Cool Cat at all.

[49:30] He's the worst.

[49:31] Okay.

[49:32] A cartoon tiger.

[49:33] Oh, God.

[49:34] Sure.

[49:34] So, he's naked?

[49:35] No, he has like a scarf around his neck, like an ascot.

[49:37] Okay.

[49:37] You sold me on it.

Dan McCoy

[49:39] Okay.

[49:39] Well, I mean, that's pretty good.

[49:41] It needs 90% more Don Draper talking about growing up around prostitutes.

[49:45] But...

Elliott Kalan

[49:45] Yes.

[49:46] He gets into the Frosted Flakes meeting, and he's like, you know,

[49:49] Frosted is a Greek word meaning, I have a sad life.

Stuart Wellington

[49:54] And I'm glad you brought up neckerchiefs, because in this movie, the neckerchief for

[49:58] Dexter, Kurt Russell's character, kind of represents his like hubris, and he has it wrapped around

[50:03] his neck when he is in his like primo cocky villain mode, but he removes it when he decides,

[50:10] no, I want to support my friends.

[50:11] But go on.

Elliott Kalan

[50:12] Yeah, the neckerchief, I think the neckerchief represents the noose that is knowledge, because

[50:16] knowledge, once you have knowledge of the world, inevitably you have knowledge of your own

[50:19] mortality.

[50:20] And so, in a way, he is casting off that noose and saying, no, I shall live, and I'll be

[50:24] young.

[50:25] And I will refuse to look into the future.

Dan McCoy

[50:27] So, Cesar Romero panics, because Dexter is saying all this stuff on the air.

[50:32] He shuts down his casinos.

[50:33] He asks his henchman to kidnap Dexter.

[50:38] Annie reports Dexter is missing the next day, and Annie and Pete start listening to a tape

[50:43] of Kurt's weird Applejack ramblings to try and figure out what's happening.

[50:48] Yeah.

[50:48] To find the hidden messages.

[50:50] They realize that the computer's info was transferred to Dexter's brain, and they tell

[50:58] one of his idiot friends to go to the police.

Stuart Wellington

[50:59] This is my favorite scene of the movie, is when they have figured out the whole plan,

[51:03] and Skylar walks up, and he's like, hey, guys.

[51:08] Hey, guys.

[51:10] Hey, guys.

[51:11] And they eventually acknowledge him, and then they explain the whole plot to him, and I'm

[51:16] like, this is not going to work out.

[51:19] And of course, we then cut to a police station where the police are listening to the tape,

[51:23] listening to Skylar's insane ramblings.

[51:25] And then they're like, okay, see you later.

[51:28] And he wanders off.

[51:29] And maybe it was because I saw the Irishman just a day or two before, but I kind of felt

[51:33] like these guys were going to kill him.

Dan McCoy

[51:36] But also, it seems like, okay, the point of the scene is this guy's an idiot.

[51:42] He's rambling.

[51:44] This message is not going to get across to the police.

[51:46] But then later on, it seems like the police did understand him.

[51:49] Yeah.

[51:49] I mean, that's the joke.

[51:50] That's the joke at the end of the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[51:52] Yeah, I guess.

[51:53] They just distrusted.

[51:54] He's a real Jar Jar Binks.

[51:56] Look, you don't get Emperor Palpatine without a handy fool like Jar Jar Binks to put him

[52:01] in that place.

[52:02] And you don't get the unbelievably exciting house painting climax of this movie without

[52:07] Skylar being a moron who confuses the police.

[52:10] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[52:11] Okay, so P and Annie follow one of the goons.

[52:16] They find Dexter being forced to pick winners and, you know, whatever.

Stuart Wellington

[52:22] They're coaxing him to pick winners by giving him chicken out of a very nice bucket.

[52:28] Like an overflowing bucket of chicken.

[52:30] And it's a bucket that looks like the kind of like plastic ice bucket you would have at

[52:34] a hotel.

[52:35] I mean, it does not look like a like a disposable bucket.

Elliott Kalan

[52:38] It works for me.

[52:39] I would give up a horse track winner.

Stuart Wellington

[52:41] This must have been back in the day where you would go to a chicken place with your own

[52:45] bucket and you'd be like, fill it up, sir.

[52:46] And they fill it up because, you know, once again, it's just like how Kurt Russell only

[52:50] has one sweater.

[52:51] This is a different time, guys.

[52:52] This is when we didn't live in a disposable culture.

[52:54] Yeah, it's more environmentally.

[52:55] Where you would buy a sweater, throw it out the next day and buy a new sweater.

Elliott Kalan

[52:59] No, no.

[53:00] This would be like if you were going to Kentucky Fried Chicken, you would dress up.

[53:03] This was a night out.

[53:05] Men would wear a tie and a jacket.

[53:07] Women would wear pearls.

[53:08] And you would go and it was like, you know, the old plantations of yore.

[53:13] And you would it would be a taste of kind of like taboo luxury because it was built on

[53:18] evil.

[53:19] But at the same time, who wouldn't want to live that more sedentary lifestyle?

[53:25] Not if it's built on the backs of slave labor.

[53:29] Yeah, I mean, well, that's that they got to have the fantasy without the cruel, cruel reality

[53:33] of it.

[53:33] But anyway, at the time, Kentucky Fried Chicken was, you know, it would be a place you'd go

[53:37] on your anniversary.

[53:37] Not like now when KFC is a place that you throw a cat through the window of because you're so

[53:42] you're so dismissive of it.

Dan McCoy

[53:45] OK, well, anyway, the gangsters are going to get as much juice out of decks as they can.

[53:50] And then they're going to dump him in Navajo Lake, which seems like a kind of a grim development

[53:54] for the tone of this movie otherwise.

[53:57] Uh huh.

Elliott Kalan

[53:57] But I mean, are they definitely going to kill him or they're just going to as a prank, just

[54:00] throw him in the lake?

Dan McCoy

[54:02] Oh, maybe that's it.

[54:03] Maybe they're just, you know.

[54:04] I mean, they do talk about what they're going to do with the body.

Stuart Wellington

[54:08] I mean, you don't refer to doing something with someone's body if they're alive, right?

[54:15] Usually not.

Elliott Kalan

[54:16] I guess that's true.

[54:17] Maybe they're going to take the head because that's where the computer is.

[54:21] So you're.

[54:21] He's portable and they'll just throw the body away.

Dan McCoy

[54:24] That song about your body being a wonderland?

[54:26] He's talking about a corpse?

[54:28] Yeah.

[54:29] OK.

Elliott Kalan

[54:30] I mean, who but a corpse would sit there and listen to that song?

Dan McCoy

[54:34] So, OK, the kids.

Elliott Kalan

[54:36] Oh, and also that I'm in love with the shape of you.

[54:38] I'm in love with your body song.

[54:39] Oh, that's about a corpse.

[54:41] Wow.

[54:41] This is opening up a whole new world of necrophilia and popular music.

Stuart Wellington

[54:45] Like an adult contemporary bullshit.

Dan McCoy

[54:48] So his friends are going to save him.

[54:51] They're going to pretend to be house painters.

[54:53] Love it.

[54:54] The clearest, you know, plan.

[54:57] And they show up saying, oh, we're here to paint the house.

[54:59] And the goon's like, hmm, let me check on this.

[55:03] I didn't order any house painters.

[55:04] And he calls the number.

[55:06] And they confirm that they're house painters.

[55:08] Another friend on the other side.

[55:10] It's like the Art Vandelay Seinfeld trick.

[55:13] And he's like, OK.

Elliott Kalan

[55:14] It's like, well, even though we didn't hire them, I guess you're professionals.

[55:17] So go to town, everybody.

[55:18] I'll pay you whatever you agree is the right thing to be billed.

Stuart Wellington

[55:22] I like the guy.

[55:23] There's one of the guys is wearing.

[55:24] They're all wearing coveralls because they're painters.

[55:27] And that's part of the costume.

[55:28] And you got to wear the costume or get into the character.

[55:32] And underneath his coveralls, he's still wearing a turtleneck.

[55:35] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[55:37] So back at the quiz show, Dexter's dean is freaking out and accuses the other dean of doing something.

[55:44] And the other dean is pretty smug for not actually having anything to do with the scheme.

Elliott Kalan

[55:49] Here's my guess.

[55:50] The other dean did have a scheme to kidnap Dexter.

[55:52] And he thinks that it went like a charm.

[55:54] Oh, I see.

Dan McCoy

[55:55] Oh, yeah.

[55:56] So he thinks that he did it.

[55:58] So the painters, the fake house painters, are funneling paint into the gangster's car's gasoline tanks.

Stuart Wellington

[56:08] And they're currently painting the house orange and green.

Dan McCoy

[56:12] And Cesar Romero shows up and is understandably upset about his crime house being swarmed by painters who are doing the worst job.

[56:21] Painting it so obvious.

[56:22] Like, even people who are not professional house painters can paint a house better than what they're doing.

[56:28] It's all in, like, patches of different colors.

Elliott Kalan

[56:30] To be fair, they're not really trying to paint the house.

[56:35] They're not like, hey, as long as we're doing this, let's do it right.

[56:37] This is all just a cover, so they're not trying that hard.

[56:40] But, hey, they're missing the scene they should have had here.

[56:43] And this would have fit into that Joker prequel idea.

[56:45] Is if one of them was so sloppy that they had a big house brush full of white paint and they just slapped Cesar Romero in the face with it.

[56:51] And even painting over his mustache.

Dan McCoy

[56:55] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[56:55] Creating a Joker look.

Stuart Wellington

[56:57] Wait.

[56:58] Wait.

[56:59] Does the Joker have paint on his face?

Elliott Kalan

[57:03] Have you seen the Joker?

Stuart Wellington

[57:05] No, I haven't.

[57:06] It's in the movie theaters.

[57:07] And I only watch things from the comfort of my own home.

Elliott Kalan

[57:10] Oh, fair.

[57:10] Good point.

[57:11] Fair.

[57:11] Good point.

[57:11] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[57:11] So, speaking of Cesar Romero, he's like, uh, henchman, what's going on with all these painters?

[57:16] And the guy's like, no, I've called a phone number.

[57:18] They're cool.

[57:19] And Cesar Romero's like, let me try.

[57:22] And so he calls the number, which is like a public phone at the dorm.

[57:25] And this real dick of a student answers it and just kind of fucks with Cesar Romero for a while and blows the whole scheme.

[57:32] I think he's the real hero of the movie.

[57:34] Yeah.

[57:35] So the gangsters try and sneak Dexter out of the house in a trunk.

[57:41] But the house painters actually shove it out a window.

Stuart Wellington

[57:45] Uh-huh.

[57:45] And they start, like, blasting these dudes with paint.

[57:47] It's like a fucking, it's like the video game Splatoon.

Dan McCoy

[57:51] And in the fall, Dexter hits his head, which I presume is the cause of what happens later on.

[58:00] So they escape.

[58:02] And the gangsters can't follow because of the gas in the, or the paint in the gas tank.

[58:09] So they follow in, like, a dune buggy.

[58:12] Yeah, like a little jalopy covered in flower stickers.

[58:14] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[58:14] Now, was that theirs or was that one of the students?

[58:16] How did that get there?

Dan McCoy

[58:19] Well, like, it's just like, this is one of the Disney live action movie wacky chases.

[58:25] Yeah, yeah.

[58:25] Do they steal it from one of the, like, wacky racers or something?

Elliott Kalan

[58:29] Yeah.

[58:29] It's just like, I guess in the Disney world, live action world, dune buggy, brightly painted

[58:33] dune buggies are just everywhere.

Dan McCoy

[58:35] Yeah.

[58:36] So the kids almost make the car skid out by, like, putting paint on the road.

[58:40] Yep.

[58:40] They're, like, throwing stuff at the gangsters.

Stuart Wellington

[58:43] There's a great little touch where they make the car skid out, and you can see there's

[58:47] a sign next to the road that says, slippery when wet.

[58:51] And you're like, okay, I guess it checks out.

[58:53] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[58:54] This movie did the math.

[58:55] And the jazz score is just screaming over this whole chase sequence.

Dan McCoy

[59:00] There's more bad rear screen projection.

[59:02] And the gangsters, like, crash.

[59:03] And they get launched through a haystack.

[59:05] So just their heads are popped out on the other side.

[59:08] Yeah, it's great.

[59:09] And the cops show up because they actually followed up.

Elliott Kalan

[59:11] And, of course, if this was a modern movie, then a cow would have shat all over their

[59:14] faces.

[59:16] But seeing as this is a 60s Disney movie, that did not happen.

Dan McCoy

[59:19] So the kids get Dexter out of the trunk, and his head is ringing, and he can't straighten

[59:25] his legs because he's been all cramped up in that trunk.

[59:28] And they take him into the quiz, and now Dexter's starting to have a hard time with answers.

[59:33] He's beginning to forget his...

[59:35] This is the end part of Flowers for Algernon, as he re-stupidifies himself.

Elliott Kalan

[59:42] Very tasteful way to put that, Dan.

[59:45] That's a very sensitive way to put that.

Stuart Wellington

[59:46] Yeah, he lifted that from the Wikipedia summary of Flowers for Algernon.

Elliott Kalan

[59:52] Now, and here's...

[59:53] And when he's...

[59:54] So he's having trouble answering the questions, and he kind of has to force the answers out

[59:58] of his throat in this croaking, like, struggling sound.

[1:00:02] And I think it's...

[1:00:03] Is it supposed to be funny?

[1:00:03] Because it sounds like he's having a series of strokes.

[1:00:06] And I was really worried about Dexter.

[1:00:07] Like, it sounded like he was in pain.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:09] Yeah.

[1:00:09] No, he's...

[1:00:11] You know, he's...

[1:00:11] This is taking all of his energy until finally he passes out like a dying computer, and...

[1:00:17] Is that what happens to dying computers?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:19] They pass out?

Dan McCoy

[1:00:19] They pass out.

[1:00:21] Well, I personify all my electronics, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:24] That's why when your computer breaks, you just throw water on it and go, wake up!

[1:00:28] Wake up!

Dan McCoy

[1:00:28] Yeah.

[1:00:29] I put some smelling salts under the computer.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:32] You're just slapping it in the face lightly.

[1:00:34] Hey, hey, don't fall asleep.

[1:00:35] You might have a concussion, computer.

[1:00:37] You're forcing black coffee into the computer's speaker.

[1:00:40] Like, come on.

[1:00:41] Snap out of it.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:42] Medfield is neck and neck with the other team.

[1:00:45] They get down to the last question, and one of Dexter's non-computer teammates knows an answer for once at the last second.

[1:00:54] Uh-huh.

[1:00:55] And they win the thing, which I guess comes with money that helps the college?

[1:01:00] Yeah, that they're going to spend on plumbing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:02] They get $100,000 from the encyclopedia company, because this was the 60s.

[1:01:07] Encyclopedia companies were flush with cash before the internet kind of put them out of business.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:12] And the gangsters show up covered in paint, and they start trying to get Dex again, but the police arrest them.

[1:01:20] And at the end of the scene, it's a cyclical movie.

[1:01:23] We're back where we started in a meeting, where Quigley is back to ask for a piece of equipment, this time an electro-helio spectrograph.

[1:01:31] Uh-huh.

[1:01:32] And Annie says to Dexter, if we ever get one, don't fool around with it, okay?

[1:01:38] And that's the story of the computer that wore tennis shoes as written in the stars.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:45] Wait, was that the case?

[1:01:47] Yep.

[1:01:48] So, Dan, you were really excited to watch this movie.

[1:01:51] How did it hold up in your—you saw it as a kid, and you were like, I love it.

[1:01:55] I'm going to base my life on it.

[1:01:56] I'm always going to wear tennis shoes, and I'm going to beep and boop.

[1:01:58] And if I go up to a woman getting off a plane, I'm just going to kiss her, you know, on television.

[1:02:04] So how did it hold up to your memories?

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:05] You're going to own a singular sweater.

[1:02:07] Just—

Dan McCoy

[1:02:08] Well, I will say this.

[1:02:12] I, like, I think it was last night.

[1:02:15] Uh-huh.

[1:02:16] My girlfriend was like, oh, did we ever watch the movie for the podcast?

[1:02:21] And I was like, yeah, yeah, we watched it.

[1:02:23] Computer wore tennis shoes.

[1:02:25] It's like, oh, yeah.

[1:02:26] But I understand, because, like, if I did not have these notes, I would not remember a damn thing about this movie.

[1:02:32] Like, let's get into Final Judgments.

[1:02:35] Good, bad movie.

[1:02:35] Bad, bad movie.

[1:02:36] Movie kind of like.

[1:02:37] I'll keep talking.

[1:02:38] Like, it feels like a TV movie much more than, like, a normal movie.

[1:02:47] And it feels like sort of a notion for a movie more than an actual film.

[1:02:56] I would say it's bad, bad with the caveat that, like, I still kind of enjoyed it on a certain level.

[1:03:05] And, you know, if you have a child who, you know, like, you could do worse.

[1:03:12] Like, there's nothing, like, particularly offensive.

[1:03:14] Like, it would distract them for a while.

[1:03:16] I'm sure they wouldn't want to watch it in this modern world where there's many better children's options.

[1:03:22] There's, I mean, Paw Patrol exists, Dan.

[1:03:24] But anyway, that's what I have to say about that, this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:28] Mm-hmm.

[1:03:29] Yeah, I mean, I'd certainly give this movie, I don't know, a Disney?

[1:03:34] Two Disneys?

[1:03:35] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:35] What's the scale?

[1:03:36] So is that good or is that bad?

[1:03:38] I mean, it's Disney.

[1:03:41] So is this Disney Plus or just Disney?

[1:03:43] There's no plus?

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:43] Oh, it's always plus.

[1:03:46] I don't know.

[1:03:46] I mean, this is, I mean, this is, if you're a fan of Kurt Russell and you want to see an old movie with him.

[1:03:54] Then you'll love the computer where tennis shoes.

[1:03:54] I mean, you're not going to love it.

[1:03:56] I'm under no illusions of that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:58] If you loved Escape from L.A., you'll love the computer where tennis shoes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:02] Yeah, I mean, it's not particularly good.

[1:04:05] I don't think there's any real reason to watch it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:08] It does, yeah, it feels like a, this movie probably accomplishes what it's set out to do, which is to make something that will occupy a child for a certain amount of time so that their parents can run errands or finally have a quiet, intimate moment for physical affection.

[1:04:25] Or, you know, like, or just take a moment to take a nip of something intoxicating so they can get through the rest of the day with this crazy kid who just needs to be occupied for a little bit of time.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:37] Yeah, a little fill a Sunday afternoon time slot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:40] Yeah, but it is, I agree, Dan.

[1:04:42] It feels, it really feels like a TV movie.

[1:04:44] And I was hoping that it was going to be crazier than it was.

[1:04:48] Every time the movie starts to get really silly, it pulls back.

[1:04:52] And probably due to budget reasons.

[1:04:55] But, yeah, I don't know if it fits into our usual ratings.

[1:05:00] I didn't really like it.

[1:05:01] But it's not that bad.

[1:05:03] But it's not, like, super silly fun, you know.

[1:05:06] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:07] I mean, I feel like that probably falls into the bad, bad, but whatever.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:11] No, I think, you know what, I'm going to go with Stewart's on this one.

[1:05:14] I'm going to say it's a Disney.

[1:05:15] Yeah, you're right.

[1:05:16] Yeah.

John Hodgman

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:30] That's correct, Mark.

[1:05:31] This is Hal.

[1:05:32] We do the hard work for you, settling all of the meaningless arguments you have with your friends.

[1:05:38] So tune in every week on the Maximum Fun Network for We Got This with Mark and Hal.

[1:05:43] And all your questions will be asked and answered.

[1:05:46] You're welcome.

John Hodgman

[1:05:48] All right.

[1:05:48] That's enough of that.

[1:05:49] We got this.

[1:05:54] Judge John Hodgman ruled in my favor.

S5

[1:05:56] Judge John Hodgman ruled in my friend's favor.

[1:05:59] Judge John Hodgman ruled in my favor.

John Hodgman

[1:06:02] I'm Judge John Hodgman.

[1:06:04] You're hearing the voices of real litigants, real people who have submitted disputes to my

[1:06:08] internet court at the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

[1:06:11] I hear their cases.

[1:06:12] I ask them questions.

[1:06:13] They're good ones.

[1:06:14] And then I tell them who's right and who's wrong.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:17] Thanks to Judge John Hodgman's ruling, my dad has been forced to retire.

[1:06:21] One of the worst dad jokes of all time.

S5

[1:06:23] Instead of cutting his own hair with a flow beat, my husband has his hair cut professionally.

[1:06:29] I have to join a community theater group.

John Hodgman

[1:06:31] And my wife has stopped bringing home wild animals.

[1:06:34] It's the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

[1:06:36] Find it every Wednesday at MaximumFun.org or wherever you download podcasts.

[1:06:43] Thanks, Judge John Hodgman.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:49] All right, let's take a moment to honor our sponsors.

[1:06:54] Honor them?

[1:06:56] Honor them with an ad.

[1:06:58] Take your hat off, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:01] I should be standing right now, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:05] Flop Pass is sponsored in part by Squarespace.

[1:07:10] Squarespace allows you to turn your cool idea into a new website, blog, or publish content.

[1:07:17] Sell products and services of all kinds or pretty much anything else you would desire your website to do.

[1:07:24] Squarespace does this by giving you beautiful customizable templates created by world-class designers

[1:07:30] with everything optimized for mobile right out of the box.

[1:07:34] A new way to buy domains and choose from over 200 extensions and free and secure hosting.

[1:07:43] No, you did a great job with that, Dan.

[1:07:44] Thank you.

[1:07:45] Thank you very much.

[1:07:46] Yeah, you did.

[1:07:46] That was wonderful.

[1:07:47] You really honored them.

[1:07:48] I want you to go to squarespace.com slash flop for a free trial.

[1:07:53] And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code FLOP to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[1:08:00] Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt there.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:01] Dan, I had an idea for a website and I was hoping, I was wondering if Squarespace could help me.

[1:08:06] Most likely.

[1:08:07] It strikes me that this movie, it opened up a world of marketing opportunities and a demographic that I never thought of before.

[1:08:15] Sure.

[1:08:15] This computer wore tennis shoes.

[1:08:17] How often have you seen a computer with shoes on it?

[1:08:19] Well, that's a good point.

[1:08:21] Almost never.

[1:08:22] And yet, clearly, the appetite is there.

[1:08:24] And there's already a shoe company called Zappos.

[1:08:27] And yet, as far as I know, it has nothing to do with somebody being zapped with electricity and switching places with a computer.

[1:08:33] And so, I think there should be a website called therealzappos.com where we sell shoes for computers.

[1:08:39] Now, here's the thing.

[1:08:41] Every time you buy a pair of shoes at therealzappos.com, we will donate a pair of shoes to a needy computer in another country.

[1:08:49] Here's another idea, guys, for a website based on this movie.

[1:08:53] Okay, so Kurt Russell got a computer in his brain, right?

[1:08:57] Yeah.

[1:08:57] It stands to reason Kurt Russell's brain is trapped in that computer right now.

[1:09:01] That this was a real vice versa, 18 again, like father, like son, trading places, brain switcheroo.

[1:09:08] Wacky Wednesday, in trading places, they didn't switch brains, right?

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:12] No, I think they trade the places they're in, not the brains in their bodies.

[1:09:16] They're not trading the place that their brain is in.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:19] No, I mean, their brains remain in the same place.

[1:09:21] Okay.

[1:09:22] So, we got a, this is a company, it's called, hey, my brain is trapped in a computer, helpme.com.

[1:09:29] And this website would be for people whose brains are trapped in computers.

[1:09:32] They'll be easy to log on because their brain is already in a computer.

[1:09:34] And they can notify us.

[1:09:36] We will then notify their next of kin that their brain is trapped in a computer and that they should do something about it.

[1:09:42] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:43] That sounds pretty helpful, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:45] So, think of it as a way to notify the people who are important in your life that your brain is trapped in a computer.

[1:09:51] That's, hey, my brain is trapped in a computer.com.

[1:09:53] You can easily remember it because of the jingle.

[1:09:55] Hey, where's my brain?

[1:09:56] It's not in my head.

[1:09:57] It's trapped in a computer.com.

[1:09:59] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:00] That's like a subscription service, right?

[1:10:02] Yes, very much so.

[1:10:03] It's like an insurance.

[1:10:04] So, you're making sure in case your brain gets trapped in a computer, you know.

[1:10:09] Hey, in this-

[1:10:09] You know what I'm talking about, right, Dan?

[1:10:10] I know what you're talking about.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:11] In this modern world, you've got to be prepared for anything.

[1:10:13] Who knows what could happen?

[1:10:14] Any eventuality, yeah.

[1:10:15] And it seems like everything is computers these days with the beeps and the boops and the kids with the screens and everything.

[1:10:20] So, hey, my brain is trapped in a computer.com.

[1:10:23] Again, there's that jingle that I just said.

[1:10:25] It's very memorable.

[1:10:26] Hey, where's my brain?

[1:10:27] It's not in my head.

[1:10:28] It's trapped in a computer.com.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:30] So, I'm starting to regret sending the only Jumbotron we have to Elliot this week.

[1:10:36] Hey, everybody.

[1:10:37] It's Jumbotron time.

[1:10:39] Because he was talking so much just now.

[1:10:40] Stuart, is there something you want to say in between times that might give us a little breather?

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:45] Yeah.

[1:10:45] Wow.

[1:10:46] Guys, I guess I have something prepared here.

[1:10:50] You don't have to.

[1:10:53] I have always wanted to have your attention for just a minute.

[1:10:58] Starting from the top, let's get going.

[1:11:04] Okay.

[1:11:05] Before I start, Dan, did you have anything you wanted to go over?

[1:11:09] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:09] I want to say thank you to Erica, who has been worried about the fact that I always seem to be sick on the podcast.

[1:11:18] This is very of the moment.

[1:11:20] So, Erica, to help my immune system, sent me some elderberry syrup that theoretically helps bolster the old immune system.

[1:11:31] And I'm supposed to take a teaspoon a day.

[1:11:33] And I'll tell you, it is delicious.

[1:11:35] Unlike most medicine, elderberry syrup is delicious.

[1:11:39] Mostly because it's probably just berries and sugar.

[1:11:42] Yeah.

[1:11:43] Elderberry has been used apparently for centuries in medicine.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:47] Yeah, that's why it's elder.

[1:11:48] Great.

[1:11:48] It's very old.

[1:11:48] Centuries.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:49] So, I guess that's all the time I have.

[1:11:51] Elliot, I guess it's your time to go.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:53] Hey, everybody.

[1:11:55] It's Jumbotron time.

[1:11:56] Time for the biggest of Trons.

[1:11:58] Jumbo, Jumbo, the biggest size that Trons come in these days.

[1:12:02] Maybe someday we'll see the fabled Ultra Jumbotron.

[1:12:07] A Tron even bigger than a Jumbotron.

[1:12:09] Ultra size, ultra size, Ultra Jumbotron.

[1:12:11] Ultra Jumbotron, he's here to save the world.

[1:12:13] Monsters attack our cities.

[1:12:15] But Ultra Jumbotron is here.

[1:12:17] He's a friend to children, a friend to animals.

[1:12:20] Ultra Jumbotron, be dear.

[1:12:21] It's Ultra Jumbotron, brought to you by Fujikawa Hakawi Industries.

[1:12:26] So, our Jumbotron today—

[1:12:28] Oh, I kind of like that one.

[1:12:29] Yeah, that one's not bad.

[1:12:31] Okay.

[1:12:31] So, the call to action is, hey, this is about Cellmates Podcast.

[1:12:36] I want you to find Cellmates Podcast on your podcast delivery system of choice and at cellmatespodcast.com.

[1:12:41] Let me explain.

[1:12:42] Quick.

[1:12:43] What's your favorite animated movie about a fractured relationship that's fixed by someone turning into an animal?

[1:12:49] If you have an answer, you should be listening to Cellmates Podcast.

[1:12:51] Cellmates, with one L, C-E-L, mates, is a show where hosts Kate Phillips and Dick Ward compare, contrast, and generally throw a Venn diagram over two animated movies.

[1:13:01] We tell you how the afterlife of Coco compares to that of Spirited Away.

[1:13:05] We discuss whether Stitch or the Iron Giant is the more lovable killing machine.

[1:13:09] So, that's Cellmates.

[1:13:10] Find the Cellmates Podcast, C-E-L, mates, on your podcast delivery system or at cellmatespodcast.com.

[1:13:17] Okay.

[1:13:18] Hey, do you hear that sound?

[1:13:20] It's the rumbling sound of a Jumbotron walking away.

[1:13:23] Jumbotron time is over.

[1:13:25] And now that Jumbotron has his own business to deal with, it's personal, it's private, and he doesn't feel the need to explain it to you.

[1:13:34] Bye, Jumbotron.

[1:13:35] I love you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:37] I feel like we encouraged him by saying nice things about the first.

[1:13:44] Diminishing returns.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:45] I feel like you guys are, I feel like you guys get the worst of me because, so for the iPodius podcast, I've been recording with John Hodgman, which will hopefully be finished and released before the end of the year.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:55] Does he not have patience for your malarkey?

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:58] No, no, he does not, so I do less of it.

[1:14:01] But also, I recently performed a song on it that I wrote ahead of time.

[1:14:04] Wow.

[1:14:05] And I feel like I am betraying you guys by just giving you the off the top of my head songs.

[1:14:09] Whereas the song that I wrote for that one, I actually sat down and wrote the lyrics the night before.

[1:14:12] And it's a parody of a real song, so it has an actual tune.

[1:14:16] Oh, okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:18] Let's move on to letters.

[1:14:20] Okay, okay.

[1:14:21] From listeners like you.

[1:14:24] The first letter is from Daniel, last name withheld.

[1:14:28] McCoy.

[1:14:28] Who writes, I'd like to start blah, blah, blah.

[1:14:32] I don't know.

[1:14:32] I'll just skip the part over.

S5

[1:14:35] No.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:38] I forgot to edit out the part where he says he likes the show, which I try and do.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:43] No, no, but you did edit it just now by saying blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[1:14:47] You gave it such a-

[1:14:48] Yada, yada, yada.

[1:14:49] It had such a dignified opening.

[1:14:52] And then immediately, you were so dismissive.

[1:14:54] It's like, if the president was coming out to do the State of the Union, and on the news,

[1:14:59] they're like, and okay, there's the sergeant at arms.

[1:15:02] He's announcing the president.

[1:15:03] Now the president is ascending to the podium, and he is beginning to shuffle his papers,

[1:15:09] and okay, and now the State of the Union here is the president.

[1:15:13] And he's just going to say a bunch of bullshit.

[1:15:14] Let's cut away.

[1:15:15] That's what that was like.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:18] Okay, sorry.

[1:15:20] To give Daniel, last name withheld, the respect he deserves, I'll start over here.

[1:15:24] Okay.

[1:15:25] Daniel wants to know, if we have experienced some form of entertainment or media that was

[1:15:31] good-bad, but wasn't a movie.

[1:15:34] Surely movies are the richest vein, but it's something I've found to be elsewhere, too.

[1:15:39] For example, the Sonic racing game, Sonic R for the Sega Saturn, is a good-bad game, in

[1:15:45] my opinion, as running into walls over and over again as low-poly Sonic and listening to

[1:15:50] the cheesy soundtrack is enjoyable slash humorous, but not the same type of enjoyment you'd find

[1:15:55] in an actually great game.

[1:15:56] What are some good-bad games, music, books, or other you've experienced?

[1:16:00] Thanks for the laughs, Daniel.

[1:16:02] The first thing that came to my mind is I have a couple of copies of collections of Fletcher

[1:16:08] Hanks comics.

[1:16:09] This guy with anger problems who wrote superhero comics sort of early on in, like, when superhero

[1:16:18] comics were not such a thing and people were still figuring out what they were and there

[1:16:22] was a much lower barrier to entry to write and draw them.

[1:16:27] They're all these horrible power fantasies where one of the superheroes twists the gangster's

[1:16:36] necks around into weird shapes or turns them into skeletons or something.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:42] Is that what Stardust the Wizard does?

Dan McCoy

[1:16:43] Yeah, basically.

[1:16:44] And, like, I don't know.

[1:16:46] They're so hard to explain.

[1:16:48] They're like what someone, again, with an anger problem, might draw if someone vaguely explained

[1:16:57] the notion of what superheroes are to them.

[1:17:00] Yeah.

[1:17:01] And they're not pleasurable in the normal way, but they're fascinating.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:09] Yeah, this is a hard one.

[1:17:10] Like, I feel like movies work so well because they're such a, like, short, finite thing that

[1:17:17] you can get.

[1:17:19] You can, like, enjoy a dumb thing and you know it's going to be over soon.

[1:17:23] Like, I've tried to read books that I knew were not going to be very good.

[1:17:26] Like, I tried to read the Da Vinci Code as fast as possible once.

[1:17:31] And, yeah, I mean, it was, it took far too long.

[1:17:36] And then it's tough to also, like, and, like, with, like, with music, for instance.

[1:17:43] Like, there's stuff that, there's a lot of times where you'll start listening to something

[1:17:47] almost ironically and then pretty quickly realize, no, I actually like this dumb song

[1:17:51] or I like this song about battling wizards or whatever.

[1:17:55] So, I don't really have many good answers, unfortunately.

[1:17:58] No, I think that's a fine stance to take.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:02] I was going to, actually, Fletcher Hanks was someone I was going to mention too.

[1:18:05] But along a similar vein, there's the mystery author Harry Stephen Keillor who was writing

[1:18:11] mostly in the 30s or so, the 20s and 30s, but I guess for a while.

[1:18:16] And one of his books, The Riddle of the Traveling Skull, was re-released by McSween's a while

[1:18:21] ago.

[1:18:21] And his writing is bonkers and his mysteries make no sense.

[1:18:26] It's in the, I think it's in the book Ex-Jones of Scotland Yard that the murderer's identity

[1:18:33] is revealed in a footnote on the last page.

[1:18:37] That after, when it turns out that the flying strangler baby, that the police suspect is actually

[1:18:43] a midget disguised as a baby who has a tiny little helicopter so he doesn't leave footprints

[1:18:48] when he kills people.

[1:18:49] But he wrote such books as The Face of the Man from Saturn, The Case of the Transparent

[1:18:54] Nude, The Spectacles of Mr. Cagliostro, The Man with the Magic Eardrums.

[1:18:59] And his writing is bonkers and crazy.

[1:19:02] And he wrote tons of books, just like constantly.

[1:19:05] And so his writing is occasionally problematic, as I'm sure any, much writing for that time

[1:19:11] is.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:11] I mean, using the term midget is problematic, isn't it?

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:14] Yeah.

[1:19:14] Shouldn't it be little person?

[1:19:15] That's true.

[1:19:15] It should be little person.

[1:19:17] And, but his books are just crazy.

[1:19:21] So.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:24] Moving on to a letter from George, last name withheld, who writes,

[1:19:27] Hey peaches, what up, what up?

[1:19:29] I happen to really like the Zebra model F301 pen.

[1:19:34] It's both sleek and sturdy while still being easy on the pocketbook.

[1:19:38] Under $3.

[1:19:38] I hope this is not buzz marketing.

[1:19:40] But anyway, for these reasons and others, it's a popular pen.

[1:19:44] So popular that I find, I notice it being used in films and TV shows frequently.

[1:19:48] And I get a little jazzed up when I see it.

[1:19:51] You all seem to write a lot.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:53] Yeah.

[1:19:53] You, you look down at your pen and you're like, I didn't know you were in the pictures.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:00] You all seem to write a lot.

[1:20:01] Well, I understand that much writing is done on computers these days.

[1:20:04] I would still be interested to hear which pens you all prefer.

[1:20:07] Just one more thing.

[1:20:08] Are there any other objects that you have a particular affinity for?

[1:20:12] And thusly are pleased to see in media.

[1:20:14] Well, see you later.

[1:20:16] George, last name withheld.

[1:20:18] I like there's a type of pen called Espresso.

[1:20:22] It's like, it's, it's called Nespresso, Dan.

[1:20:27] Espresso.

[1:20:27] It's like a very fine tip.

[1:20:30] It's like a porous point pen.

[1:20:32] It's like, it gives you a black line that like is similar to a really fine point felt tip, but it's, it's like a harder point.

[1:20:41] It's not, does not have that felt point.

[1:20:44] And it's what I used to draw with for many years.

[1:20:48] And I still prefer to get them to, to write with.

[1:20:50] And as to other objects, I have some kind of retro, like, you know, like scotch glasses that have etched kind of squares on the side.

[1:21:00] And I remember seeing them on Mad Men and feeling very cool.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:05] Oh yeah.

[1:21:06] Yeah.

[1:21:06] You would, you would lean over to the person you're watching Mad Men with and you're like, those are my glasses.

[1:21:13] I, uh, well, uh, any affinity I used to have for Mortimer Ichabod pen is now gone.

[1:21:19] But, uh, I know, you know, I, I'm a sucker for Bic mechanical pencils.

[1:21:26] Like the, just, you know, the multicolored, uh, like clips, the little plastic ones where you just, you know, you click the eraser part.

[1:21:34] And then I would say, uh, oh, and when I was making my own comics, I was always a huge fan of using Crowquill pens.

[1:21:44] You know, the, where you dip in the Indy Inc.

[1:21:46] Just because it was a skill that I had to teach myself.

[1:21:49] And that when I got, uh, when I got pretty functional, I would never say good.

[1:21:54] But when I got functional with it, I felt like this is a skill that I've learned and now I want to practice it and use it.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:00] Yeah.

[1:22:01] Those are definitely ones you have to practice on.

[1:22:04] But once you get, uh, at least somewhat adept, you can get great variety of line and it's good for crosshashing.

[1:22:12] It's just a very nice pen.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:14] I have no opinions about pens.

[1:22:16] So I guess when you guys start the spin off, the Ink House, it could just be the two of you and you won't have to deal with my, my nonsense.

[1:22:22] Uh-huh.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:23] Okay.

[1:22:23] I feel like that we would mine a very, uh, specific niche that is probably underserved in the podcast.

[1:22:30] I think, I think it's funny that you're the...

[1:22:31] I mean, I'm probably an asshole and there's probably like some really good ass calligraphy podcasts out there.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:37] I think it's funny that you're the one with the least opinion about it because you're also the one who carries a notebook around with himself and uses it most frequently to jot down notions.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:49] Well, that's the thing.

[1:22:49] I use the...

[1:22:50] I write so much with pens that I just get cheap pens.

[1:22:53] Right.

[1:22:53] Like, I don't want to spend a lot of money on pens because I go through them so fast.

[1:22:56] I always have at least two to three pens in my pocket at any given time because people are always borrowing them and not giving them back.

[1:23:02] But I just get like real cheap pens that are irritating to use because I don't want to spend a lot of money on them.

[1:23:08] Hmm.

[1:23:09] Interesting.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:10] Last letter from Monty, last name withheld.

[1:23:13] Python.

[1:23:14] Who says,

[1:23:15] Hello, Peaches.

[1:23:15] I recently became a high school custodian and has made me aware that we are typically either unseen, like in Riverdale or Buffy, or non-existent.

[1:23:25] Like when a professor goes to fix the plumbing in the boy next door.

[1:23:29] The only school custodians I can think of are Groundskeeper Willie from The Simpsons, Mr. Bronca from Bob's Burgers, and the spoilers, eponymous Strangler in Teenage Strangler.

[1:23:41] Do you know of other school custodians or janitors in fiction, particularly ones that actually play a role in a movie's plot?

[1:23:47] Grimely, yours.

[1:23:49] Monty, last name withheld.

[1:23:50] I'm going to open this up to all janitors or custodians.

[1:23:53] I think it would be a little hard otherwise.

[1:23:55] But the one that immediately springs to mind is the guy in the breakfast club who is like, hey, hey, principal.

[1:24:03] You know, you're just an asshole.

[1:24:05] Like these kids aren't so bad.

[1:24:06] Yeah.

[1:24:07] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:08] I mean, I was going to talk about how there's a movie about a janitor at a college and how he's a genius, and it's called Good Will Hunting, and he's the star of the movie, and he's the janitor.

[1:24:19] But he doesn't spend that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:19] Dan, do you like apples?

[1:24:21] How do you like those apples?

[1:24:23] But I have to admit that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:23] I don't actually like apples that much.

[1:24:25] I think they're usually pretty mealy.

[1:24:27] Wait, let me take that.

[1:24:28] Not a favorite.

[1:24:29] Forget it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:29] Do you like, what's a free, do you like, like tangerines?

[1:24:31] Satsumas?

Dan McCoy

[1:24:31] I like a mango.

[1:24:33] Okay.

[1:24:33] Okay, Jordan.

[1:24:34] Edit all that stuff out.

[1:24:35] Let's do this part.

[1:24:36] Okay, Dan.

[1:24:36] Dan, do you like these tangerines?

[1:24:38] No, I didn't say I like tangerines.

[1:24:41] Dan, do you like mangoes?

[1:24:41] I like tangerine dream.

[1:24:43] They did some good soundtrack work.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:45] Dan, do you like mangoes?

[1:24:48] Yes, I do.

[1:24:48] Okay, well, I've got a Chris Kattan character I think you're going to like.

[1:24:51] No, no, no, no.

[1:24:54] And there's a, which is the movie, is it Zapped?

[1:24:58] Which is the movie where there's a janitor and he gets high and it doesn't have anything

[1:25:02] to do with the rest of the movie?

Dan McCoy

[1:25:03] I think that is Zapped.

[1:25:04] I think that might be like Scatman Crothers or something.

[1:25:07] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:07] I think you're right.

[1:25:08] But I was going to, if you move it beyond just school janitors, I'm going to mention

[1:25:11] my favorite janitor in any movie.

[1:25:13] That would be the robot janitor in the movie, Rotor, who, this is a movie about a crime

[1:25:19] fighting robot that goes berserk and instead goes on a rampage.

[1:25:23] But the lab already has a robot that serves as the janitor and seems to live his own life

[1:25:29] and have a functioning AI and just be like a regular person.

[1:25:32] And he's maybe my favorite robot in the history of cinema.

[1:25:35] I've talked about him before.

[1:25:35] He's great.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:38] Yeah, I actually, I just finished playing through a video game called Control where the, this

[1:25:45] isn't a school janitor, but the, the, the bureau's janitor seems to be this like otherworldly

[1:25:52] entity that dispenses knowledge and weird side quests.

[1:25:56] So that was pretty cool.

[1:25:58] And also in, for a school janitor, there's that Canadian comedy TV show, Todd and the Book

[1:26:05] of Pure Evil, I think is what it's called, where Jason Mewes plays a school janitor who's

[1:26:10] like, uh, supposed to be a super cool dude.

[1:26:13] And if it's played by Jason Mewes, you know, it's true.

[1:26:17] Yep.

[1:26:20] Classic cool guy.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:21] Okay.

[1:26:22] I think we're done, uh, narrow casting to school janitors now and we can move on.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:27] I mean, this, this is what you said after you spent a while talking about pens also.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:31] Yeah.

[1:26:32] I thought this week I was like, eh, let's get really granular with it.

[1:26:36] Let's get, let's get specific.

[1:26:38] Let's recommend movies that, uh, would probably be a better use of your time than the computer

[1:26:44] wore tennis shoes.

[1:26:46] Anyone want to go first or shall I?

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:49] Uh, I'll go.

[1:26:50] Uh, I'm going to recommend another movie that's on a different streaming service, uh, than the

[1:26:54] one we watched.

[1:26:56] Uh, I am going to recommend a movie called Wounds.

[1:27:00] Uh, it's directed by Babak Anvari, the director of, uh, of Under the Shadow.

[1:27:07] Uh, this is a movie where Armie Hammer plays a Nolens bartender who is a real fucking mess

[1:27:14] and he is a fuck up in his personal life.

[1:27:18] And he also, uh, finds a telephone that seems to be a portal to hell.

[1:27:25] Uh, it's a weird movie because it kind of tries to be both a horror movie and a story

[1:27:31] of this guy's life falling apart because of his own bad decisions.

[1:27:35] And it kind of succeeds at both.

[1:27:37] Uh, and there's some really creepy stuff in it.

[1:27:40] It's one of those horror movies that, uh, elicits either like a normal rating, uh, on like

[1:27:47] IMDb or whatever rating service, or like a one out of 10 stars.

[1:27:51] Like it's the kind of horror movie that makes some people very angry, um, because of whatever

[1:27:57] expectations.

[1:27:58] But I thought it was fun and gross and weird.

[1:28:00] So, uh, and you know, it's got Dakota Johnson in it, Zazie Beats, Armie Hammer, as I mentioned.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:08] Those are good people.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:09] Uh-huh.

[1:28:09] And you will consider most of them to be underused.

[1:28:13] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:15] Uh, but I still liked it.

[1:28:17] Let me recommend a movie that I, uh, saw a while back, uh, rewatched last night called

[1:28:23] A Face in the Crowd, uh, directed by Ilya Kazan.

[1:28:28] It's a movie about a, a sort of huckster.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:35] No, like a, like a huckster character.

[1:28:37] Oh, so he doesn't have a face?

Dan McCoy

[1:28:38] Who becomes, who rises to prominence through no understanding how to work the media and,

[1:28:44] uh, eventually gains political power, even though he's a monster.

[1:28:47] And I have no idea why that might be relevant, uh, in this modern world, but we'll move on.

[1:28:52] And, uh, it stars Andy Griffith.

[1:28:55] Uh, and if you've ever, if you only know Andy Griffith from, uh, the Andy Griffith show

[1:29:00] or Matlock, uh, you'll be surprised maybe by his performance here, which is intense and

[1:29:05] frightening, uh, while still, you know, having enough sort of like genuine charisma that you

[1:29:11] understand why people would fall under his spell.

[1:29:14] Patricia Neal is in it.

[1:29:15] She's very great as the woman who unwisely falls for him.

[1:29:20] And it also has a young and confusingly sort of handsome Walter Matthau in it.

[1:29:27] And, uh, I'm not often actually a fan of Ilya Kazan's movies.

[1:29:33] I find them to be a little stagey and slow a lot of the time, but this one, the filmmaking

[1:29:39] is more kind of jazzy and impressionistic and intense.

[1:29:45] And, uh, yeah, I, I like it.

[1:29:47] A face in the crowd.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:48] I, uh, I'm, I really like it when you take, uh, take an actor that you normally know, uh,

[1:29:54] doing one specific thing and see them in a, like, especially when you have a character

[1:29:58] that's normally a good guy and see them get to play a bad guy.

[1:30:00] Yeah.

[1:30:01] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:02] I'm going to recommend, I recently, uh, took a chance to revisit the movie Candyman, which

[1:30:08] should have been a Shocktober recommendation because it's a horror movie.

[1:30:11] But I think it's an every, it's an, it's an every time recommendation.

[1:30:14] It's an all year round recommendation.

[1:30:16] And I was like, oh yeah, I forgot that this movie is as good as I remember it being.

[1:30:20] And so, uh, if you haven't seen it and you think it is just like any other kind of slashery

[1:30:25] type movie, it's not.

[1:30:27] It's real atmospheric and, uh, the acting's real good in it.

[1:30:30] And I would, I would go as far as to say this is the best of the Clive Barker movies.

[1:30:34] Would you guys agree with me on that?

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:36] Uh, well, I'm, it's, it's probably the, I don't know.

[1:30:41] I'm such a sucker for the first two Hellraisers.

[1:30:44] Yeah.

[1:30:44] But I mean, but Candyman is very good.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:47] I, uh, it's, it's easily on par.

[1:30:49] Yeah.

[1:30:50] And, and Candyman, I think is one of the best movies, best horror, like it's one of the

[1:30:54] horror movies that pulls off the whole, no one believes me.

[1:31:00] And that being like as horrific as the, the bad guy thing, the best, like the, the lead

[1:31:08] of Virginia Madsen, like really feels like she's in a trap kind of in the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:13] Yeah.

[1:31:13] And they do.

[1:31:13] Usually when you watch those movies, you're like, why don't you just tell somebody what's

[1:31:16] happening?

[1:31:16] And here that is not an option.

[1:31:18] And also everyone thinks that she is eventually becoming a psycho murderer.

[1:31:23] Uh, so yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:24] And it's such a great performance from Tony Todd.

[1:31:26] Like what, uh, what a, like a career making performance.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:30] Yeah.

[1:31:31] So it was just, it's a, I was like, oh yeah, I hadn't seen this movie in a while.

[1:31:34] And it was as good as I remember it.

[1:31:35] So if you want to watch a horror movie, then you should watch Candyman.

[1:31:38] If you want to watch a movie about delicious candy and the man who makes them, then maybe

[1:31:43] Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory might be more your, your speed.

[1:31:47] Uh, or if there's, uh, like a documentary about the Hershey's corporation, do that.

[1:31:53] It is, I cannot stress this enough.

[1:31:55] Candyman is not actually about candy.

[1:31:56] Let me just say that.

[1:31:57] Very deceptive title.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:59] Yeah.

[1:31:59] And you should watch it now.

[1:32:00] I think that's one of those like movies that's in, in line to be remade.

[1:32:04] So you should watch the current one and, you know, in preparation for a remake.

[1:32:08] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:09] Guys, we did it.

[1:32:10] We kept it relatively short.

[1:32:13] I appreciate it.

[1:32:15] My, my throat appreciates it.

[1:32:17] Yeah.

[1:32:17] Before we go, we should say thank you to our donors who keep us afloat.

[1:32:22] You are by far, uh, the reason we can still do this.

[1:32:26] Thank you to the network who provides us a framework for that sort of thing and, uh, supports us and, uh, produces a lot of other great shows.

[1:32:35] Go to maximum fun.

[1:32:36] Go to maximum fun.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:36] Dot org to check that out.

[1:32:38] Other shows, um, tweet about us, uh, Instagram about us.

[1:32:44] Sure.

[1:32:45] Yeah.

[1:32:46] Talk about us.

[1:32:47] Talk about us.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:47] Periscope about us.

[1:32:48] If that still exists.

[1:32:49] Does it?

[1:32:50] Only fans about us.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:53] Leave a positive review on iTunes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:56] As I always say, if, if you have negative feelings, you know, you're enough of that in the world.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:01] I mean, if you feel like you must share it, I'm not going to stop you.

[1:33:05] I'm not going to come to your house and stop you, but you know, it'd be nice if you said something nice about us on iTunes.

[1:33:11] Yeah.

[1:33:11] That'd be great.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:12] Always.

[1:33:13] And, uh, you know, maybe, uh, unletterboxed.

[1:33:15] Is that a place you can talk about podcasts?

Dan McCoy

[1:33:17] Uh, probably.

[1:33:18] Yeah.

[1:33:19] You could stick it in the middle of like a review or something.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:21] In like the body of a review, not the title, because that can be confusing.

[1:33:24] That'd be crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:25] People would think that we were a movie, which we're not.

[1:33:27] Hey guys, I, I, and I'd love to hear from, uh, from our listeners.

[1:33:31] Uh, we're, we're talking about our live shows for next year.

[1:33:34] If there's a city you'd like to see us in, let us know.

[1:33:37] I'm promising nothing, but, uh, let us know if you want us to come by.

[1:33:41] Maybe we will.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:44] So, uh, that's all for this time.

[1:33:47] Let's put Dan to bed.

[1:33:48] Next time.

[1:33:49] I want to tease.

[1:33:50] Next time, uh, our 300th episode, which also happens to land on cage mess.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:57] So it's the conjunction of the planets as was fably, as was foreseen, fabled as foreseen

[1:34:02] in the prophecy, the prophecy that stated that after 300 episodes, we would continue doing

[1:34:08] this.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:08] Did your, did your granny tell you that, that prophecy?

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:11] You know, my, my grandmama always told me that 300 episodes would fall on cage mess.

[1:34:18] And, uh, at the time I didn't know what any of that meant, but now you were right.

[1:34:24] Grandmama, you were right.

[1:34:26] And that's when the demons came in.

[1:34:28] Cut to 5,000 years in the future.

[1:34:31] Awesome.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:33] Well, thank you for listening.

[1:34:34] As always for the flop house.

[1:34:36] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:34:37] I'm still Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:39] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:34:40] Now feeling like I picked up Dan's sickness over the internet.

[1:34:44] Is that possible?

[1:34:45] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:45] Yeah.

[1:34:46] I mean,

[1:34:46] it's the premise of this horror script.

[1:34:48] I'm writing.

[1:34:49] The sickness is strong in me, Elliot.

[1:34:51] Goodbye, everyone.

[1:34:52] Streaming on Disney Plus or is it Disney Minus?

[1:35:14] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:15] So you just turned it to snarf at the end there.

[1:35:17] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:18] I think Elliot's is better.

[1:35:19] I don't know.

[1:35:22] Maximumfun.org

[1:35:23] Comedy and culture.

[1:35:25] Artist owned.

[1:35:26] Audience supported.

Ep. #299 - The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes

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