FH Mini 2: Working Weak

[0:00] Hey, and welcome to the Flophouse Mini, the new thing we're trying, kind of a little Flophouse

[0:09] snack in between full episodes.

[0:13] We're still kind of figuring out what it is, although one thing that it might be is people

[0:18] on Twitter suggesting topics to us, not so much questions like on letters, but just sort

[0:24] of something maybe they want us to talk about.

[0:27] And so if you're interested in that, tweet at us, at the Flophouse pod.

[0:33] Yeah, that's correct.

[0:35] This time, there's a Twitter user whose name is Chris Larstone.

[0:39] He got in touch and he said, can you look at why movies do not understand basic jobs?

[0:42] Actually, he said, next can you look at why movie do not understand basic jobs?

[0:46] Wow.

[0:47] So that's singular.

[0:48] I don't know if he means a specific movie.

[0:49] Chris, you got to be more specific.

[0:53] I asked him, what any particular jobs, movies you have in mind, and he said office work

[0:56] and retail.

[0:57] And something you see a lot in movies is people who work in stores or offices, not really

[1:03] doing a lot of work, but having kind of endless time off.

[1:06] And the one that struck out to me was Empire Records, the movie where this record store,

[1:10] which is enormous, it's a huge store, and it employs a small army of teens, and they

[1:15] spend most of their time hanging out on the roof flirting with each other.

[1:17] Yeah, or like they dance at one point for a long time.

[1:19] Aren't they going out of business though?

[1:21] And they are going, actually, it makes a lot of sense.

[1:23] They are going out of business.

[1:24] And you are like, yeah, fire some of these kids who are not working.

[1:26] Yeah, they are going to be replaced by what, I guess the point is it's a soulless corporate

[1:31] job.

[1:33] And I think that they are all angry that this job will make them actually work.

[1:36] I think that's kind of the implication of why they don't want to be replaced.

[1:40] Yeah, they are kind of like a lost boys thing.

[1:42] They never want to grow up.

[1:43] Yeah.

[1:44] I mean, office jobs in movies, I think that the thing about them is they just are always

[1:51] the least specific and most vague about what's going on.

[1:54] They are like, oh, you have to finish the Jenkins file this weekend.

[1:59] I've got the big file I need to work on, or like the big presentation, and it's never...

[2:03] Yeah, I've got to land the Corson account.

[2:07] And what is that?

[2:08] Is that a company that makes shoes, or like children's jumpers, or do they make medical

[2:13] supplies, or is that a person, or is that a city that you have to go to?

[2:18] Explain more, movie.

[2:19] They also have to make presentations, and the presentations are often about marketing,

[2:23] I guess.

[2:24] Yeah.

[2:25] I mean, what I find more than...

[2:27] I hate to sort of steer it in a different direction than the topic we've been given,

[2:33] but what I find more in movies is movies seem very focused on a small pool of jobs.

[2:41] Everyone's either an architect, or they work at a magazine, or they work in publishing

[2:45] in general.

[2:46] And I think that this is...

[2:47] Where they're in advertising a lot.

[2:48] Yeah.

[2:49] Advertising people in the movies.

[2:50] And I think this is because...

[2:51] Sometimes they're American ninjas.

[2:53] Yeah.

[2:54] Yeah, yeah.

[2:55] And often they're hitmen, or mercenaries, or Ghostbusters.

[2:58] Well, okay, let's put those aside for a moment.

[3:01] The ones that I'm talking about...

[3:02] Can you believe, it's like...

[3:03] Oh, God.

[3:04] I saw a movie once about space cowboys, and it was like, this movie does not understand

[3:07] what it's like to be a space cowboy at all.

[3:09] They barely lassoed any asteroids, but no, what I want to say is screenwriters, I think

[3:16] because they work in a creative field, they think that the only important work is work

[3:21] that is creative.

[3:23] And so they have these sort of glamour industries, like publishing, that they know that people

[3:30] understand enough that they will get what this person's job is, but don't understand

[3:37] enough about that they actually have to do any research to make it accurate.

[3:41] Oh, maybe.

[3:42] It's like how all of John Carpenter's characters are on an Arctic base, or in a little church

[3:50] researching the devil, or...

[3:52] Or Mars, or they're a team of Vatican vampire killers.

[3:55] The best one.

[3:57] Best job.

[3:58] How do you get that job?

[4:02] As a Vatican vampire killer?

[4:03] Yeah, you gotta go to school for it, right?

[4:05] I mean, you gotta do an internship, right?

[4:07] Or have a really strong recommendation.

[4:09] Is James Woods a priest in that movie?

[4:11] Yes, I think he is.

[4:14] So I guess you get that job by being a priest that's just too badass for normal services?

[4:20] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[4:21] If you wear jeans too often to mass?

[4:26] So what you're saying here, the implication is that James Woods was a regular priest with

[4:29] a parish and everything.

[4:31] And he was just too...

[4:32] The Vatican was getting complaints.

[4:34] They were like, our local priest is too badass.

[4:36] Yeah, he has too much leather on.

[4:39] Which is a big thing, because leather is sinful, I guess?

[4:45] They're like, this isn't a Rammstein concert, dude.

[4:48] You can't wear a black leather cassock everywhere you go.

[4:53] And so the Pope probably called him in and was like, James Woods, can you come into my

[4:57] office please?

[4:58] Say it in a funnier accent.

[5:01] Which Pope is it?

[5:02] Is it the current Pope?

[5:03] Is it Pope Benedict?

[5:05] This would have been when John Paul II was still Pope, so he's got a Polish accent.

[5:09] Which I can't really do, but I'll just do a general Eastern European accent.

[5:11] James Woods, James Woods, come into my office, please.

[5:16] He's also Dracula.

[5:17] That's the ironic thing, because it turns out at the end that the Pope is the big fan.

[5:20] Oh, yeah.

[5:21] It's the twist I wasn't expecting.

[5:22] Which is the twist at the end of Vampires, because it turns out one of the priests is

[5:24] a vampire.

[5:25] And it also, I mean, that's a highly critical take on the Catholic Church, though I don't

[5:32] say I disagree with it.

[5:34] So the Pope is like, James Woods, come on in.

[5:37] I'm just going to make him Italian.

[5:38] Yeah, I mean, that's my philosophy.

[5:39] Like, even though the last several Popes have not been Italian, like a comical Italian accent

[5:43] is the best one for a Pope.

[5:44] Okay, so let's go with it.

[5:45] So how about I'll be the Pope, and Stuart, you're a cool dude, you be James Woods, and

[5:49] Dan, you be the guy who's there, because he made the complaint about James Woods, okay?

[5:54] James Woods, come into my holy office, I got a complaint here from a parishioner.

[6:00] Hey, do I have to sit down, or can I just stand next to this jukebox?

[6:06] See, this is the kind of thing that I'm worried about, because, you know, he brought this

[6:10] jukebox with him to the Vatican, and that's the kind of stuff he's been pulling in mass.

[6:14] Well, no, the real problem is that that is a Vatican, a jukebox, but it goes in the rec

[6:18] room where the Pope has his break, and he moved it into this office, which I do not

[6:23] appreciate.

[6:24] And I took out all the church music and just put in a single of the song, Taking Care of

[6:28] Business.

[6:29] Which, again, is a rockin' song, but it's not appropriate, really, for this one, because

[6:34] Taking Care of Business is about earthly things, and we're supposed to be about the

[6:37] spiritual things.

[6:38] But you, Dan McCoy, same name, because, again, you could be Catholic with that name.

[6:43] Dan McCoy, what, can you talk, speak to why are you unhappy about Father Woods?

[6:48] Well, I mean, number one, he...

[6:50] Don't talk about my politics.

[6:51] Well, yeah, that's a big problem I have with James Woods, the person, but James Woods...

[6:58] The Pope would be like, no, he's a dead straight on that, that's the good stuff, okay, that's

[7:02] a good boss, continue.

[7:04] And when I say that's a good boss, I'm talking to God, of course, he's my boss.

[7:07] I gotta talk to my boss, too, look, we all, each of us, we got the people we work for,

[7:10] so continue, Dan.

[7:11] So my problem with this priest, among other things, is he pulls out an electric guitar

[7:16] in the middle of Mass and does some hot licks, and we all know that when you have a guitar

[7:20] in Mass, it should be an acoustic guitar, singing songs no one wants to hear.

[7:25] And also, you know, he just, you know, he takes a little swig of tequila every once

[7:28] in a while instead of communion wine.

[7:31] Every time I give a sermon, I look out into the audience and I look for the one person

[7:34] who's not getting off, and then I make sure I get them off, you know what I mean?

[7:38] Yeah, usually words like get off in church is one of my major problems.

[7:42] I will say, none of this is strictly by the Vatican a handbook.

[7:46] Let's take a look, if you guys could, James, do you have your copy of the handbook with

[7:49] you, as you're supposed to have at all times?

[7:51] I used all the pages to roll up and make doobies.

[7:55] Okay, now again, that's an infraction.

[8:00] Not so much of the doobies, but mutilating the book.

[8:03] Yeah, also one of my problems...

[8:04] There's a holy text, so you know, you gotta treat it with respect.

[8:07] One of my problems with this priest too is he's cool, but he's kind of a generic cool

[8:12] guy who just likes cool guy stuff.

[8:15] So you want a little bit of more specificity?

[8:17] Yeah, maybe that'll help.

[8:20] Okay, well, so I also took that book and I cut out a thing in the center so I could hide

[8:26] my vampire slaying pistol in it.

[8:29] Okay, that's pretty good.

[8:30] Okay, now this is something I want to talk to you about.

[8:32] It fires little bullets filled with holy water.

[8:35] I appreciate that you're still a priest, even though you seem to be not that interested

[8:39] in the religion part of it.

[8:40] But we do have a use for a priest who's kind of like a bad ass and has an interest in fighting

[8:47] the vampires.

[8:48] So how would you like to join my secret vampire group?

[8:52] Now Dan McCoy, you're not supposed to know about this, he's just a regular lay Catholic,

[8:54] so maybe cover your ears?

[8:55] Oh, no, it's fine.

[8:56] I haven't been paying attention to the last few minutes of the conversation anyway.

[8:59] Well, I just gotta let you know that I only work alone.

[9:03] I'm a lone wolf.

[9:05] Okay, that's...

[9:06] You're a werewolf?

[9:07] Well, I guess I'm part of that.

[9:10] I guess I could be.

[9:11] I mean, I can learn.

[9:14] Will it help me get the job?

[9:16] No, no.

[9:17] It's not really necessary.

[9:18] I was just thinking, werewolves are sometimes the head of vampires anyway, but we also don't

[9:22] like our werewolves.

[9:23] It's not a situation where we're happy with either side of the underworld battle.

[9:26] Whoever wins, we lose, you know?

[9:28] I also know how to use Slack.

[9:30] I wrote that down, but I don't.

[9:31] I can learn it over the weekend if you're offering me a gig.

[9:34] I mean, that was one of the reasons I wanted to talk to you, is I needed someone who understood

[9:37] how to use Slack, because we want to have a better team cohesion and communication,

[9:42] but even though I keep trying to get the cardinals on a Slack, but they keep using their emails

[9:47] to communicate with each other about the vampires.

[9:50] Such a waste of time.

[9:52] I hope, Dan, you're not listening, because again, you're not supposed to know about vampires.

[9:55] Wait, are you a vampire?

[9:57] Like culturally, or?

[10:00] No, I mean like, well, I guess so, yes.

[10:04] Is any of your heritage a vampire?

[10:06] I mean, culturally, I am a vampire.

[10:07] I don't like wine or garlic, but I have not been bitten by a member of the undead.

[10:16] So how did you get into the vampire lifestyle?

[10:18] It's a strange thing to be a cultural vampire, but a religiously Catholic.

[10:21] Well, I mean, okay, honestly, I lied before.

[10:25] I do like garlic and wine quite a bit, but what I'm into is the-

[10:29] You're telling me, I'm getting a lot of mixed messages from you, Dan.

[10:31] I'm thinking maybe Father Woods, who seems like a pretty cool guy, maybe a good vampire

[10:35] hunter, he's not so bad.

[10:36] I think maybe you're the problem.

[10:37] I just like capes and cowls, you know?

[10:40] So I feel like, so where do I get that?

[10:43] Classic vamp move.

[10:45] So anyway, this has been very useful, I think, talking about jobs.

[10:49] Speaking of things that don't get jobs right, I've been watching, my wife and I watch a

[10:54] lot of TV together, and one of the shows we've been watching lately is Stumptown on some

[10:58] TV-

[10:59] So you don't think-

[11:00] TV channel.

[11:01] It gets being an unlicensed private investigator.

[11:02] It feels like every single episode, they introduce a private investigation situation involving

[11:09] a different profession, and they're always wrong.

[11:14] Like they get the bar stuff wrong, restaurant stuff wrong, there's a stripper situation

[11:18] that they get wrong, like everything, it feels like they've done no research whatsoever,

[11:24] or they've only watched cop shows to give them information on how crime works.

[11:32] Yeah.

[11:33] That is one thing I love about crime shows, is there's always a stock group of plots that

[11:39] they have.

[11:41] Because there's so many of them, they just have to have, like, okay, this one is going

[11:44] to be the one that happens as part of a BDSM underground kink scene, we've got to have

[11:51] that one.

[11:52] So we've got to interview a guy that works there, and while we're interviewing him, he'll

[11:56] be drying out his BDSM clothes on an old clothesline.

[11:59] Okay, wait, we're sliding into John Mulaney's Law and Order routine.

[12:02] We can't-

[12:03] Oh, there is?

[12:04] It's a slippery slope to get to that routine, but we can't allow ourselves to do that.

[12:08] But I think we answered the question of movies and jobs on this one.

[12:13] Yeah.

[12:14] One last thought.

[12:15] Sure.

[12:16] If you want to see a movie that gets my job, and Elliot's former job, totally wrong, watch

[12:21] that late-night movie with Emma Thompson and Mindy Kaling.

[12:26] Way, way, way, way bad.

[12:28] Okay.

[12:29] I haven't seen it.

[12:30] Okay is a movie.

[12:31] Totally wrong about late-night comedy writing.

[12:34] All right, well, I'll tell Mindy that you said that.

[12:37] Yeah, I'll go see her.

[12:39] And your friend Emma.

[12:41] My friend, well, not Emma Thompson, but I have another friend named Emma, and I'll just

[12:44] tell her.

[12:45] Yeah, the Jane Austen heroine.

[12:46] She's a matchmaker.

[12:47] Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[12:48] When she's not busy matching people up all the time, when she needs to realize she's

[12:51] the one who needs to find love in her life.

[12:53] And she does.

[12:54] Emma.

[12:55] Starring Emma herself.

[12:56] Okay, well, I will stop interrupting Elliot when he's trying to end the show, and let's

[13:02] end the show.

[13:04] Let's do it.

[13:05] So, thank you for your topic.

[13:07] If anyone else would like to suggest a topic for us to talk about in a Flophouse mini,

[13:11] please just tweet at the Flophouse pod, and we'll probably talk around the issue in some

[13:17] way.

[13:19] And I apologize for my Italian accent.

[13:21] That was unfortunate.

[13:22] Goodbye.

[13:23] Bye.

[13:24] Bye.

[13:25] Hey, everyone.

[13:26] It's I, John Hodgman of the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

[13:34] And I, Elliot Kalin of the Flophouse podcast.

[13:38] And we've made a whole new podcast, a 12-episode special miniseries called I, Podius, in which

[13:45] we recap, discuss, and explore the very famous 1976 BBC miniseries about ancient Rome called

[13:51] I, Claudius.

[13:53] We've got incredible guests such as Gillian Jacobs, Paul F. Tompkins, as well as star

[13:57] of I, Claudius, Sir Patrick Stewart, and his son, non-Sir Daniel Stewart.

[14:03] Don't worry, Dan.

[14:04] You'll get there someday.

[14:05] I, Podius is the name of the show.

[14:07] Every week from MaximumFun.org for only 12 weeks.

[14:10] Get them at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.

[14:14] MaximumFun.org.

[14:19] Comedy and culture.

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FH Mini 2: Working Weak

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