FH Mini 2: Working Weak

Dan McCoy

[0:00] Hey, and welcome to the Flophouse Mini, the new thing we're trying, kind of a little Flophouse

[0:09] snack in between full episodes. We're still kind of figuring out what it is, although

[0:15] one thing that it might be is people on Twitter suggesting topics to us. Not so much questions

[0:22] like on letters, but just sort of something maybe they want us to talk about. And so if

[0:28] you're interested in that, tweet at us, at the Flophouse pod.

Elliott Kalan

[0:34] Yeah, that's correct.

[0:35] This time, there's a Twitter user whose name is Chris Larstone. He, untouched, and he said,

[0:40] can you look at why movies do not understand basic jobs? Actually, he said, next, can you

[0:44] look at why movie do not understand basic jobs?

[0:46] Wow.

[0:46] So that's singular. I don't know if he means a specific movie. Chris, you gotta be more

[0:50] specific. But I asked him, what any particular jobs, movies you have in mind? And he said,

[0:55] office work and retail. And something you see a lot in movies is people who work in stores

[1:02] or offices not really doing a lot of work, but having kind of endless time off. And the

[1:06] one that struck out to me was Empire Records, the movie where this record store, which is

[1:10] enormous, it's a huge store. And it employs a small army of teens. And they spend most of

[1:15] their time hanging out on the roof flirting with each other.

Dan McCoy

[1:17] Yeah, or like they dance at one point for a long time.

[1:19] Aren't they going out of business, though?

Elliott Kalan

[1:21] And they are going, actually, it makes a lot of sense. They are going out of business. And

[1:24] you're like, yeah, fire some of these kids who are not working.

Dan McCoy

[1:26] Yeah, they're going to be replaced by what, I guess the point is, like, it's a soulless

[1:31] corporate job. And I think that they're all angry that this job will make them actually

[1:35] work. I think that's kind of the implication of why they don't want to be replaced.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40] Yeah, they're kind of like a Lost Boys thing. They never want to grow up.

[1:43] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:44] I mean, office jobs and movies, I think that the thing about them is they just are always

[1:50] the least specific and most vague about what's going on. They're like, oh, you have to finish

[1:56] the Jenkins file this weekend. I've got the big file I need to work on, or like the big

Elliott Kalan

[2:02] presentation.

[2:03] Yeah, I've got to land the Corson account.

[2:05] Yeah.

[2:06] And what is that? Is that a company that makes shoes? Or like children's jumpers? Or

[2:11] do they make medical supplies? Or is that a person? Or is that a city that you have to

[2:17] go to? Explain more, movie. But yeah, they also have to make presentations. And the presentations

[2:21] are often about marketing, I guess.

Dan McCoy

[2:24] Yeah. I mean, what I find more than, I hate to sort of steer it in a different direction

[2:30] than the topic we've been given. But what I find more in movies is like movies seem very

[2:35] focused on a small pool of jobs. Like everyone's either an architect or they work at a magazine

[2:44] or they work in publishing in general.

[2:46] And I think that this is-

Elliott Kalan

[2:47] Or they're in advertising a lot. A lot of advertising people in the movies.

[2:50] And I think this is because-

Stuart Wellington

[2:51] Sometimes they're American ninjas.

Elliott Kalan

[2:53] Yeah.

[2:54] Yeah, yeah. And often they're hitmen or mercenaries or Ghostbusters.

Dan McCoy

[2:59] Well, okay. Let's put those aside for a moment. The ones that I'm talking about-

Elliott Kalan

[3:02] Can you believe it's like, I saw a movie once about space cowboys and it was like, this movie

[3:06] does not understand what it's like to be a space cowboy at all.

Dan McCoy

[3:09] They barely lassoed any asteroids. But no, what I want to say is like screenwriters, I think

[3:16] because they work in a creative field, they think that the only important work is work that

[3:21] is creative. And so they have these like sort of like glamour industries like publishing

[3:28] that they know that people understand enough that they will get what this person's job is,

[3:35] but don't understand enough about that they actually have to do any research to make it accurate.

Stuart Wellington

[3:41] Oh, maybe. It's like how all John Carpenter's characters are like, you know, on an Arctic base

[3:48] or in an old church researching the devil.

Elliott Kalan

[3:52] Or Mars or they're a team of Vatican vampire killers.

[3:56] Best one. Best job.

[4:00] How do you get that job?

[4:01] As a Vatican vampire killer?

[4:03] Yeah, you got to go to school for it, right?

[4:05] I mean, you got to do an internship, right? Or have a really strong recommendation.

Dan McCoy

[4:09] Is James Woods a priest in that movie?

[4:12] Yes, I think he is.

[4:14] So I guess that you get that job by being like a priest that's just too badass for like normal services.

Stuart Wellington

[4:20] Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you wear jeans too often to mass.

Elliott Kalan

[4:24] So what you're saying here, the implication is that James Woods was a regular priest with a parish and everything.

[4:30] Yeah.

[4:31] And he was just too, they were getting, the Vatican was getting complaints.

[4:34] They were like, our local priest is too badass.

[4:36] Yeah, he has too much leather on.

[4:38] Yeah, yeah. Which is a big thing because leather is sinful, I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[4:44] Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, this isn't a Rammstein concert, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[4:48] You can't wear a black leather cassock everywhere you go.

[4:52] And so the Pope probably called him in and was like, James Woods, can you come into my office, please?

[4:58] Say it in a funnier accent.

[5:01] Well, which Pope is it? Is it the current Pope? Is it Pope Benedict?

[5:04] This would have been when John Paul II was still Pope.

[5:07] So he's got a Polish accent, which I can't really do, but I'll just do a general Eastern European.

[5:10] It's like, James Woods, James Woods, come into my office, please.

[5:16] And he's also Dracula.

[5:17] That's the ironic thing is it turns out the end that the Pope is the big thing.

[5:20] I mean, it's the twist I wasn't expecting.

[5:21] Which is the twist at the end of Vampires is it turns out one of the priests is a vampire.

Stuart Wellington

[5:26] And it also, I mean, that's a highly critical take on the Catholic Church, though I don't say I disagree with it.

Elliott Kalan

[5:33] So the Pope is like, hey, James Woods, come on in.

[5:37] I'm just going to make him Italian.

[5:38] Yeah, I mean, that's my philosophy.

Dan McCoy

[5:39] Like, even though the last several Popes have not been Italian, like a comical Italian accent is the best one for a Pope.

Elliott Kalan

[5:44] Okay, so let's go with it.

[5:45] So how about I'll be the Pope and Stuart, you're a cool dude.

[5:48] You be James Woods.

[5:49] And Dan, you be the guy who's there because he made the complaint about James Woods.

[5:53] Okay.

[5:54] James Woods, come into my holy office.

[5:58] I got a complaint here from a parishioner.

Stuart Wellington

[6:01] Hey, do I have to sit down or can I just stand next to this jukebox?

Dan McCoy

[6:05] See, this is the kind of thing that I'm worried about because, you know, he brought this jukebox with him to the Vatican.

[6:12] And that's the kind of stuff he's been pulling in mass.

Elliott Kalan

[6:15] Well, no, the real problem is that that is a Vatican jukebox, but it goes in the rec room where the Pope has his break.

[6:21] And he moved it into this office, which I do not appreciate.

Stuart Wellington

[6:23] And I took out all the church music and just put in a single of the song, Taking Care of Business.

Elliott Kalan

[6:30] Which, again, is a rocking song, but it's not appropriate really for this one because Taking Care of Business is about earthly things.

[6:36] And we're supposed to be about the spiritual things.

[6:38] But you, Dan McCoy, same name because, again, you could be Catholic with that name.

[6:43] Dan McCoy, can you talk, speak to why are you unhappy about Father Woods?

Dan McCoy

[6:48] Well, I mean, number one, he—

[6:50] Don't talk about my politics.

[6:53] Well, yeah, that's a big problem I have with James Woods, the person.

Elliott Kalan

[6:56] But James Woods—

[6:57] The Pope would be like, no, he's a dead straight on that.

[7:00] That's a good stuff.

[7:00] Okay.

[7:01] That's a good boss.

[7:02] Continue.

[7:03] And when I say that's a good boss, I'm talking to God, of course.

[7:06] These are my boss.

[7:07] I got to talk to my boss, too.

[7:08] Look, we all—each of us, we got the people we work for.

[7:10] So continue, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[7:11] So my problem with this priest, among other things, is he pulls out an electric guitar in the middle of mass and does some hot licks.

[7:18] And we all know that when you have a guitar in mass, it should be an acoustic guitar singing songs no one wants to hear.

[7:25] And also, you know, he just—you know, he takes a little swig of tequila every once in a while instead of communion wine.

Stuart Wellington

[7:30] Every time I give a sermon, I look out into the audience and I look for the one person who's not getting off, and then I make sure I get them off.

Dan McCoy

[7:37] Yeah, usually words like get off in church is one of my major problems.

Elliott Kalan

[7:42] I will say none of this is strictly by the Vatican, a handbook.

[7:46] Let's take a—if you guys could—James, do you have your copy of the handbook with you, as you're supposed to have at all times?

Stuart Wellington

[7:51] I used all the pages to roll up and make doobies.

Elliott Kalan

[7:57] Okay, now again, that's an infraction.

[7:59] Not so much of the doobies, but mutilating the book.

[8:03] Yeah, also one of my problems—

[8:04] There's a holy text, so, you know, you've got to treat it with respect.

Dan McCoy

[8:07] One of my problems with this priest, too, is he's cool, but he's kind of a generic cool guy who just likes cool guy stuff.

[8:15] So you want a little bit of more specificity.

[8:17] Yeah.

[8:18] Maybe that will help.

Stuart Wellington

[8:20] Okay, well, so I also took that book and I cut out a thing in the center so I could hide my vampire-slaying pistol in it.

[8:28] Okay, that's pretty good.

Elliott Kalan

[8:30] Okay, now this is something I want to talk to you about.

Stuart Wellington

[8:32] It fires little bullets filled with holy water.

Elliott Kalan

[8:35] I appreciate that you're still a priest, even though you seem to be not that interested in the religion part of it.

[8:40] But we do have a use for a priest who's kind of like a bad ass and has an interest in fighting the vampiros.

[8:48] So how would you like to join my secret vampire group?

[8:51] Now, Dan McCoy, you're not supposed to know about this.

[8:53] It's just a regular lay Catholic.

[8:54] So maybe cover your ears?

Dan McCoy

[8:56] Oh, no, it's fine.

[8:56] I haven't been paying attention to the last few minutes of the conversation anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[9:00] Well, I just got to let you know that I only work alone.

[9:04] I'm a lone wolf.

Elliott Kalan

[9:05] Okay, that's a – you're a werewolf?

Stuart Wellington

[9:08] Well, I guess I'm part of that.

[9:10] I guess I could be.

[9:12] Okay.

[9:13] I mean, I can learn.

[9:14] Will it help me get the job?

Elliott Kalan

[9:16] No, no.

[9:16] It's not really necessary.

[9:18] I was just thinking a werewolf sometimes the hate of empires anyway.

[9:21] But we also don't like a werewolf.

[9:22] You know, it's not a situation where we're happy with either side of the underworld battle.

[9:26] Whoever wins, we lose, you know?

Stuart Wellington

[9:28] Like, I also know how to use slack.

[9:30] I wrote that down, but I don't.

[9:31] I can learn it over the weekend if you're offering me a gig.

Elliott Kalan

[9:34] I mean, that was one of the reasons I wanted to talk to you is I needed someone who understood how to use slack

[9:38] because we want to have a better team cohesion and communication.

[9:42] But even though I keep trying to get the cardinals on a slack,

[9:45] but they keep using their emails to communicate with each other about the vampires.

[9:50] Such a waste of time.

[9:52] I hope, Dan, you're not listening because, again, you're not supposed to know about vampires.

[9:55] Wait, are you a vampire?

Dan McCoy

[9:57] Like, culturally?

Elliott Kalan

[10:02] No, I mean, like, well, I guess so, yes.

[10:04] Is any of your heritage a vampire?

[10:05] I mean, culturally, I am a vampire.

Dan McCoy

[10:07] I don't like wine or garlic, but, you know, I have not been bitten by a member of the undead.

Elliott Kalan

[10:16] So how did you get into the vampire lifestyle?

[10:18] It's a strange thing to be a culturally vampire but a religiously Catholic.

[10:21] Well, I mean, okay.

Dan McCoy

[10:23] Honestly, I lied before.

[10:25] I do like garlic and wine quite a bit, but what I'm into is the—

Elliott Kalan

[10:29] You're telling me I'm getting a lot of mixed messages from you, Dan.

[10:31] Well, you know.

[10:31] I'm thinking maybe Father Woods, who seems like a pretty cool guy, maybe a good vampire hunter.

[10:35] He's not so bad.

[10:36] I think maybe you're the problem.

Dan McCoy

[10:37] I just like capes and cowls, you know?

[10:40] So I feel like to wear one.

[10:42] Classic vamp move.

[10:44] So anyway, this has been very useful, I think, talking about jobs.

Stuart Wellington

[10:49] Speaking of things that don't get jobs right, I've been watching—my wife and I watch a lot of TV together, and one of the shows we've been watching lately is Stumptown on some TV channel.

Dan McCoy

[10:59] So you don't think it gets being an unlicensed private investigator?

Stuart Wellington

[11:02] It feels like every single episode, they introduce a private investigation situation involving a different profession, and they're always wrong.

[11:13] Yeah.

[11:13] Like they get the bar stuff wrong, restaurant stuff wrong.

[11:17] There's a stripper situation that they get wrong.

[11:20] Like everything is—like it feels like they've done no research whatsoever, or they've only watched cop shows to give them information on how crime works.

[11:32] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[11:33] That is one thing I love about crime shows is there's always a stock group of plots that they have.

[11:40] Like, because there's so many of them, they just have to have, like, okay, this one is going to be the one that happens as part of, like, a BDSM, like, underground kink scene.

[11:51] Like, we've got to have that one.

Stuart Wellington

[11:52] So we've got to interview a guy that works there, and while we're interviewing him, he'll be drying out his BDSM clothes on the old clothesline.

Elliott Kalan

[11:59] Okay, wait, we're sliding into John Mulaney's Law & Order routine.

[12:02] Oh, there is?

[12:04] It's a slippery slope to get to that routine, but we've got to allow ourselves to do that.

[12:08] But I think we answered the question of movies and jobs on this one.

Dan McCoy

[12:12] Yeah.

[12:13] One last thought.

[12:14] If you want to see a movie that gets my job and Elliot's former job totally wrong, watch that late-night movie with Emma Thompson and Mindy Kaling.

[12:26] Way, way, way, way, way bad.

[12:28] Okay.

[12:29] I haven't seen it.

[12:30] Okay is a movie totally wrong about late-night comedy writing.

Elliott Kalan

[12:34] All right.

[12:35] Well, I'll tell Mindy that you said that.

[12:37] Yeah.

[12:37] I'll see her.

Stuart Wellington

[12:39] And your friend Emma.

Elliott Kalan

[12:41] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[12:41] My friend, well, not Emma Thompson, but I have another friend named Emma, and I'll just tell her.

[12:44] Yeah, the Jane Austen heroine.

[12:46] Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[12:48] When she's not busy matching people up all the time, she needs to realize she's the one who needs to find love in her life.

[12:53] And she does.

[12:54] Emma.

[12:54] Starring Emma herself.

Dan McCoy

[12:56] Okay.

[12:57] Well, I will stop interrupting Elliot when he's trying to end the show, and let's end the show.

[13:03] Let's do it.

Elliott Kalan

[13:04] So thank you for your topic.

[13:07] If anyone else would like to suggest a topic for us to talk about in a Flophouse mini, please just tweet at the Flophouse pod, and we'll probably talk around the issue in some way.

[13:18] And I apologize for my Italian accent.

[13:21] That was unfortunate.

[13:23] Goodbye.

[13:23] Bye.

[13:24] Bye.

Elliott Kalan

[13:28] Hey, everyone.

John Hodgman

[13:30] It's I, John Hodgman of the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[13:34] And I, Elliot Kalin of the Flophouse podcast.

John Hodgman

[13:37] And we've made a whole new podcast.

[13:39] A 12-episode special miniseries called iPodius, in which we recap, discuss, and explore the very famous 1976 BBC miniseries about ancient Rome called iPodius.

[13:53] We've got incredible guests such as Gillian Jacobs, Paul F. Tompkins, as well as star of iPodius, Sir Patrick Stewart, and his son, non-Sir Daniel Stewart.

[14:03] Don't worry, Dan.

[14:03] You'll get there someday.

[14:05] iPodius is the name of the show.

[14:06] Every week from MaximumFun.org for only 12 weeks.

[14:09] Get them at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.

Stuart Wellington

[14:17] MaximumFun.org.

[14:19] Comedy and culture.

[14:20] Artist owned.

[14:21] Audience supported.

FH Mini 2: Working Weak

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