Ep. #307 - Holmes & Watson, LIVE!

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Holmes and Watson, live from Portland, Oregon!

[0:30] Hey everyone, welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:45] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:47] Hey, over here is Elliot Kaelin. Hey Dan, where are we?

[0:50] We're in Portland, Oregon. Oregon? Oregon? Oregon?

[0:56] The people here pronounce it O-RE-G-E-N.

[0:59] We're the Original Peaches.

[1:03] I think I might have pulled a hamstring hearing you tell that.

[1:08] We've been having a fun old time here with the audience here, and now it's time for us to do a real show.

[1:14] A real live show.

[1:15] Now it's time to stop the fire.

[1:16] Would you consider what we've done warming them up?

[1:19] I don't know. Hard to tell.

[1:21] Grudging tolerance is what we're getting from the audience at this point.

[1:25] You guys are great. Dan's being an asshole.

[1:31] Just call them like they see them.

[1:33] So what are we doing?

[1:35] Stuart, you and I have known each other since college.

[1:38] You've known these people for, what, an hour now?

[1:42] I mean, it's been a long hour. We've done a lot of stuff.

[1:46] I showed them a lot of pictures of cats, including my own.

[1:49] He took them into his confidence. Or cat-fidence?

[1:53] No, no, no. You got mad at me for the Original Peaches, and this is what you come back with?

[1:59] I had to pull my hamstring back into place.

[2:01] So when are we going to start the stuff that we actually record?

[2:05] So Dan, what do we do on this podcast?

[2:07] This is a podcast.

[2:08] For anyone who's the new listener who decided this was the time to jump in.

[2:11] You really should have done it when Entertainment Weekly recommended us.

[2:15] Not now that we've been forgotten by the press.

[2:17] Oh, terrible. Forgotten by the press.

[2:20] I can't get arrested in this town.

[2:23] Because drugs are legal.

[2:26] We watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[2:29] And today, in my hotel room, we watched Holmes and Watson.

[2:35] Dan and Stuart sharing a bed.

[2:37] Elliot on an uncomfortable chair.

[2:40] An uncomfortable chair I had been informed of ahead of time I might not want to sit on

[2:43] because it had been ruthlessly farted on by someone at a previous time.

[2:47] Their names shall go unnamed.

[2:50] They can use their imagination.

[2:52] Now, Dan, this movie, to put it mildly, this is a Sherlock Holmes comedy.

[2:57] Now, I'm interested in, you have a special relationship with the great detective.

[3:03] Please tell us a little bit about your history with Monsieur Holmes, who is French.

[3:07] That's why I called him that.

[3:09] Sherlock Holmes, one of my great personal childhood heroes,

[3:13] along with Robin Hood, for some reason, Scrooge McDuck, and Harry Houdini.

[3:19] I think it was because Robin Hood was a sexy fox.

[3:22] Yes, yes.

[3:24] Well, I mean, all the foxes in that were sexy.

[3:27] The cold foxes.

[3:29] That's why they named a lettuce after it.

[3:32] Foxy brand lettuce. Available in your grocer's lettuce aisle.

[3:36] But, yeah, no, I—

[3:38] So, I think it's just interesting because when I was a kid,

[3:41] I was a fan of a particular detective.

[3:43] His name was Brown. Encyclopedia Brown.

[3:47] And he was a detective for my generation.

[3:50] Well, I mean, here's the thing, Elliot.

[3:52] In real life, very few mysteries are solved by knowing where penguins live.

[4:00] I'll tell you one guy who did that.

[4:02] His name was Brown.

[4:04] Harry Brown.

[4:06] Starring Michael Caine.

[4:08] I just, you know, I'm a Sherlockian, I would say.

[4:12] Is that what they call them?

[4:13] Yeah, we're a bunch of nerds.

[4:15] And when you were in London, did you ever go try to find his apartment?

[4:21] Well, there's a quote-unquote museum there,

[4:24] which is, they have put an apartment there that is a recreation

[4:28] of what his apartment would be if he was a person and not a fictional character.

[4:33] So you can walk into a room with, you know,

[4:35] a taco on the toe of a Persian slipper and the fake gunshot wounds in the wall.

[4:40] You don't call it wounds usually.

[4:42] You do if you're a building.

[4:45] In VR for Victoria Regina.

[4:48] Like, things from the Sherlock Holmes stories.

[4:51] And did they have any stuff from the movie Holmes and Watson?

[4:53] They do not, I think.

[4:55] Because throughout the film, I continue to ask Dan,

[4:57] Dan, what story is this from?

[4:59] Long after that joke stopped being funny.

[5:02] And it won't be funny tonight, but I'm still going to say it.

[5:05] So, Dan, when I suggested we do Holmes and Watson,

[5:08] did you feel a little bit like, what, anger? Rage?

[5:11] Or was there a little bit of, were you a little aroused and intrigued?

[5:15] I think maybe Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly cracked it.

[5:19] Maybe they finally got Sherlock Holmes.

[5:21] I think it's more of the latter.

[5:23] I think it's one of those things where you love a thing so much

[5:26] that you'll see any shitty thing that involves it,

[5:29] even if you know it's going to make you angry.

[5:31] I went to Spider-Man the musical.

[5:33] Yeah, you know it's going to make you feel something.

[5:36] Okay.

[5:38] I got very sad at the end.

[5:40] I mean, for a guy like me who needs to take a speedball of cocaine and heroin

[5:45] just to get to zero at this point,

[5:47] Holmes and Watson is...

[5:50] It seems weird that you got so excited about that joint you found.

[5:54] Thank you for referencing something that's not on the show.

[5:58] I mean, you can edit. I guess not.

[6:00] I think the audience at home can imagine what that story is.

[6:04] There's no new details.

[6:06] It'll certainly be more exciting than the regular story.

[6:09] I don't have to explain everything.

[6:11] It's not like I have to say, like, Dan's a human,

[6:13] he was born from another human,

[6:15] and the universe began, etc., etc.

[6:19] You're right, you don't need to explain any of that.

[6:22] Okay, let's talk a little bit about a little movie I like to call Holmes and Watson.

[6:27] It's good that you like to call it that, because that is the name it was given.

[6:31] So it's sort of an agreement to me and the movie,

[6:33] and that is where the agreement ends.

[6:35] Now, the movie begins with a quote I did not write down

[6:38] about logic being the key to everything.

[6:41] And then it reveals that that quote is, I guess, from an episode of Hannah Montana.

[6:45] And when Hannah Montana sees in whatever episode, whatever it comes up,

[6:48] there's a ding on the soundtrack just to make sure you got it,

[6:51] that you're looking at the words as they appear.

[6:54] How do you know this is not your daddy's Sherlock Holmes movie?

[6:57] My daddy's Sherlock Holmes movie would, I guess, be...

[7:01] the private life of Sherlock Holmes.

[7:03] Yeah, when was your daddy in the private of his life?

[7:06] He would tell you he is now.

[7:08] Oh, okay. I've seen him, and that is incorrect.

[7:11] Well, I will not tell him you said that.

[7:14] Let's not make this the Father's Day release.

[7:19] Okay, we begin in the year 1867,

[7:23] two years after the end of the American Civil War.

[7:26] Information that is irrelevant to the movie we're talking about now.

[7:29] And young Sherlock Holmes, not the young Sherlock Holmes from the movie.

[7:33] Not Nicholas Rowe, not the Christopher Columbus movie.

[7:37] Young Sherlock Holmes.

[7:39] The Explorer?

[7:41] Christopher Columbus?

[7:42] Oh, Chris Columbus. God, you know.

[7:45] Gremlins.

[7:47] Wait, were there gremlins in Young Sherlock Holmes?

[7:49] Let's move on.

[7:50] I remember that stained glass man.

[7:52] Anyway, so, Sherlock Holmes, a young boy, is the new kid at some boarding school.

[7:56] And his mom is like, you should have friends, you should be around other kids.

[7:59] He has a pet turtle.

[8:01] Immediately, the other kids attack him and throw his turtle through the air.

[8:05] And his turtle gets a little wheelchair like dogs get when their legs are hurt.

[8:09] He is instantly unpopular with the other kids.

[8:11] They're always mean to him.

[8:13] Meanest of all, they tell him that the girl he has a crush on wants to kiss him.

[8:16] They put a blindfold on him, and then they make him kiss a donkey's anus?

[8:20] I mean, I think he kisses near the anus.

[8:23] I mean, we're splitting hairs.

[8:25] Haven't had that happen to us, so we can all accept that.

[8:28] I mean, I'll raise my hand right now.

[8:30] But all the kids are mean to him, so he starts crying, and they're like,

[8:33] and he decides that moment, as a voiceover tells us, to banish all emotion from his body.

[8:38] And he sucks the tear back up into his eye.

[8:41] And I want to say, there are all these Sherlock fan theories of,

[8:45] you know, people have written stories about why Sherlock Holmes is so emotionless,

[8:50] why he denies love in his life.

[8:53] Are there any where he's a robot from the future that fell back in time?

[8:57] I almost certainly am.

[8:59] Okay.

[9:00] The most put-into-stories character, perhaps, of all time.

[9:03] Were there any where he sold his emotions to a witch in exchange for a hat?

[9:08] Yeah.

[9:09] My point is merely this.

[9:11] They usually are more in the line of, I don't know, his dad killed his mom,

[9:16] or some sort of horrible childhood trauma.

[9:18] Here, this movie postulates that Sherlock Holmes becomes a thinking machine

[9:23] because some kids were mean to him.

[9:25] And that he chooses to be a thinking machine.

[9:28] Yes.

[9:29] And he gets to that moment pretty quick.

[9:31] I mean, in Richard III, it takes a couple of scenes before he has that revelation.

[9:35] That's right, I'm not an idiot.

[9:39] I went to college with Stuart, check this out.

[9:42] Yeah, yeah, just because he spent much of the pre-show showing people pictures of cats

[9:46] and going, aw, check out this cat.

[9:49] It should in no way make people believe that he does not have a cultured and sophisticated palate.

[9:54] Just because most of the time his reviews of movies either involve people

[10:00] off their own ding-dongs or ninjas again. So he vanishes all emotion and he

[10:06] immediately becomes a snitch and starts snitching out all the other kids until

[10:09] they're all expelled. He's the only kid at school and so he becomes a genius

[10:12] because all the teachers are focused on him and he meets a young boy who's I

[10:15] guess the son of the, he deduces as the son of the janitor and he says

[10:20] we'll be friends and the boy introduces himself as John Watson. That's right, no

[10:25] joke there, no twist and like it's just that's how they met. And can I say like

[10:31] look, it would be a tremendous amount of wasted energy to look at a movie, a

[10:37] comedy movie with Will Ferrell and John C Reilly and say this is not true to

[10:43] Sherlock Holmes. The sheerest folly that would be. And yet I think you shall

[10:48] indulge in it. However, this is the one point of the movie made me angry on that

[10:53] level because literally the beginning of A Study in Scarlet, the first Sherlock

[10:58] Holmes story is Watson meeting Holmes. We know how this happened people. It was not

[11:03] in school. Yeah, we're through the looking-glass. Yeah, I understand. So will they meet, he's

[11:12] what assigned, are they roommates or he's assigned to him as like a like an

[11:15] assistant? I don't know, they become friends and then immediately goes to, they open his house. Is it like a

[11:19] tinder thing? Like how, but how do they meet each other? We saw it, they shook hands. No, I mean in the story.

[11:24] Oh in the story? Watson is back from Afghanistan where he has been serving as a military

[11:30] man, he needs lodging, he has a doctor friend who sets him up with Sherlock

[11:36] Holmes who's like oh this is a he's a good guy, an odd fellow, but maybe you'd

[11:40] like him. And Sherlock Holmes is like open to the idea of a roommate because he

[11:43] seems like a guy who doesn't like other people. I mean just because he's a weirdo

[11:48] doesn't mean he doesn't have financial problems. Yes, that's true. In fact, in

[11:54] many times the weirdo and the financial problems go hand-in-hand. Not every

[11:58] weirdo is a rich famous person. All right, they become friends. Cut to the headline

[12:02] title sequence which tells us through headlines in newspapers that they are

[12:06] now crime fighters and Moriarty is their archenemy and they've captured Moriarty.

[12:10] So as was relayed to me by another person who's watching the movie with us,

[12:13] it's interesting to see when a movie tells you all the plot through a

[12:17] montage of headlines and then has scene after scene of nothing. Moriarty is of

[12:23] course played by Ralph Fiennes and he's on trial but the witnesses have all died.

[12:28] So as the judge says if there's no witnesses I have to let you go and this

[12:31] of course upsets Inspector Lestrade, played here by Rob Brydon, and he sits

[12:36] through the trial and appears in many scenes next to a woman who wears

[12:39] brightly-colored dresses who receives no lines of dialogue and we never find out

[12:43] who she is until the credits list her as Lestrade's wife. It's such a weird

[12:49] choice to dress somebody in very striking colors amongst a sea of bland

[12:53] colors and then not give them any lines to say. No, everyone else is wearing brown,

[12:58] different shades of dank brown, as it's Victorian England, everyone wears brown

[13:01] suits and stuff, except this one woman in a blight, in a blight blue, in a bright

[13:05] blue dress, I'm so mad about it I can't even speak, in a bright blue dress and it

[13:09] it's like it just sticks out so much that she has nothing to do and nothing

[13:13] to say and I kept being like, who's she? What's her story? What's that all about?

[13:17] Well, I hope you stayed to the credits because that's what you'll find out.

[13:21] Everyone's expecting that Holmes at any moment will burst in and say, no, I have

[13:25] evidence that, I have the evidence that shows that Moriarty did it and Holmes is

[13:30] late to the trial. Why is that, Dan? What is Holmes doing at home? He is in his

[13:35] corset, he is, or a, what do you call it, like a girdle. A girdle, yeah. Yeah, he's

[13:41] presented as a preening buffoon in many ways and he is showing Watson how

[13:47] he's going to burst in and he shows him an assortment of hats he might wear when

[13:52] he bursts in and this introduces the problem of the movie, which is, if you

[13:56] make a Sherlock Holmes movie and you want to make it a comedy, you've backed

[14:01] yourself into a corner because you cannot go the obvious route and make

[14:05] him stupid necessarily because then none of it makes any sense. But then he

[14:10] stops being Sherlock Holmes. He's done a different movie called The Stupid Detective. Yes. Which, to be honest, is a pretty funny idea.

[14:16] That kind of sounds like one of those black-and-white movies you would recommend. Yeah, I would love it.

[14:21] Yeah, of course. It's like Lee Tracy or somebody like that and he's like a dumb

[14:26] detective. Yes. Or actually it sounds like a Bob Hope movie or a Joey Brown movie or something like that.

[14:30] He says derisively. But if you go the other direction and make him super smart, you're just making a

[14:36] regular Sherlock Holmes movie. So this movie takes a middle road. Oh, it's like the Orville in Star Trek.

[14:42] Sure. This movie takes a middle road. Wait, wait, I want to hear Stuart's Orville in Star Trek.

[14:48] We were talking about that earlier, how they basically are just making a Star

[14:53] Trek show with a couple of jokes. Right, right, right. And they named it after

[14:56] America's favorite popcorn maker, Orville Redmond. But this movie attempts to split the difference and make

[15:02] Sherlock Holmes a brilliant idiot, which makes no sense. He is very great at deducing things, but he's

[15:09] also the kind of guy who will hit a glass case with a beehive in it with a cricket bat to kill

[15:16] a mosquito. And that's exactly what happens. A box is opened with a mosquito in it and he goes,

[15:21] Moriarty must have sent this to stop us. It probably has a germ disease in it. We can't let it out.

[15:26] And that means he and John C. Reilly just end up hitting each other, trying to kill the mosquito

[15:31] and knocking stuff over. And it's really a waste of time. This movie has no lack. If you're looking for a movie

[15:38] with a lot of shenanigans in it, do I have a movie for you? Oh, the parts per million of shenanigans

[15:45] are very high. Yeah, I'm surprised the government allowed them to release it because there's a

[15:50] certain level of shenanigans, parts per million, that you're allowed to have. Just like everything

[15:56] a cream cheese you own has some insect parts in it. Look, it's okay. It won't kill you. It's kept below

[16:01] another. But this is like if you opened up a thing of cream cheese and it was like all insect legs.

[16:04] It was just all fly legs. Like that's what this movie is in terms of shenanigans. Anyway, they

[16:10] wreck their apartment. They do hurt, I guess, Mrs. Hudson, their housekeeper, who they treat

[16:16] very derisively. It was played by Kelly MacDonald. This movie has so much talent in it. The cast for a

[16:22] great Sherlock Holmes comedy is embedded in this movie and they are not making it. But we'll meet

[16:27] some of them later on. So anyway, it begins the movie's long thread of hurting women

[16:34] throughout the film. Holmes and Watson, they finally arrive and Holmes says Moriarty is innocent because

[16:41] his fingerprints were all over the scene of the crime. But he's too smart to do that. So it must

[16:46] be someone trying to frame him. And this somehow turns into him talking about Moriarty being a

[16:49] masturbator or the person who left the fingerprints being a masturbator. It's one of those things where I must have

[16:56] missed the chain of the intricate chain of logic that led them to Holmes and Watson standing before

[17:03] a crowd of Victorian Brits trying to create a euphemism for masturbation that everyone will

[17:07] understand. And it's like there's a number of scenes in this movie where you're like, oh, they said to Wilfred

[17:12] and John C. Reilly, just stand up there and improv you coming up with different ways to describe masturbation and

[17:17] then we'll show three of them. And there's 51 minutes of deleted scenes that come along with the movie and I'm sure

[17:23] much of it is just more of this stuff. And that's not Elliot being hyperbolic. After we watch the movie he's like,

[17:30] hey, do you want to watch the 51 minutes of deleted scenes? And we did because we're professionals.

[17:37] There being no evidence, the judge declares Moriarty innocent. Lestrade is furious. And as I said, we never

[17:44] learned the name of his companion. Holmes is totally happy about it. He's like, Moriarty is just going to run off to

[17:49] America. And you know what? I miss the challenge of him. And he says, I'll dedicate my life to health. You know, if

[17:55] you eat raw onion, it increases your red blood cells. Cue Holmes and Watson just biting into onions like they're

[18:01] apples and talking to us about how they're biting into them just like apples. For a while, like for a long time,

[18:09] this thankfully ends when the Queen calls them. And instantly Watson goes and becomes an embarrassing superfan for

[18:17] the Queen. It turns out it was all a surprise birthday party for Holmes, which is weird because Watson continues

[18:23] to be a superfan for the Queen throughout. But like if he planned a birthday party with her, like that initial

[18:28] awkwardness should have been gotten over with at this point. Yeah, you're right. That's pretty silly. Yeah. I think you

[18:34] found the flaw. Yeah. To plan to plan a surprise birthday party with someone, it takes time. It takes a certain amount of

[18:39] casual communication. And at that point, it's like, you know what? We have a bond. We put together this event. We've

[18:45] worked together. Maybe we're friends. Maybe we're just people who like know each other a little more casually than we

[18:49] would have otherwise. Yeah. It's like you've been through like two soldiers who've been through battle. Hell, if the guy I

[18:55] watched Avengers Infinity War with, who I did not know, stood up and shook my hand after that movie because of the

[19:04] emotional roller coaster we had been through, then these two probably are best pals. You would think so. But no, they're not.

[19:11] So anyway, Holmes cuts into the cake. Did you get his number? I should have at least exchanged Twitter handles with him.

[19:18] If the only digits you got were the ones he shook your hand with, I don't know the rest of this joke. It sounded really

[19:26] clever. It was like you were Jeff Foxworthy workshopping something. The only digits you got were the ones you shook hands with.

[19:35] You might be a... Well, let me move on to the next one. If you're drinking water, but you don't... Oh, forget it. That's his day all day, is just coming up with the first part.

[19:51] And it's like, Jeff, start with the observation, and then just put it in the format of the joke. No, that's the easy way to do it. I like a challenge.

[20:00] Inspiration strikes me, and I'm like, you're the one who's worth a fox, so, you know, I don't know.

[20:05] As we've established earlier, the sexist... Worthy of a fox. Worthy of a fox.

[20:10] The economic value is not that of a fox, but if you wanted to say marry a fox,

[20:16] the fox's parents would be like, you're worthy. So you're like, like Thor's hammer, to bring it

[20:20] back to inventors. Exactly. Written on it is, only he who is worthy shall have this fox.

[20:25] Jeff Foxworthy was like, I'll take that, okay, sure. But an average mere mortal could not touch

[20:32] that fox. Okay, they dig into the cake and there's a dead body in it, with a note that says...

[20:37] It's a mark of how great Holmes and Watson is, that we would rather talk about that.

[20:43] There's a dead body, and it's the witness that should have been at Moriarty's trial,

[20:47] with a note from Moriarty saying, ha ha, I'm still around, I'm gonna kill the queen in three days,

[20:52] you'll never stop me. And Holmes is like, it's a frame up, Moriarty would never be this

[20:57] crude, it's gotta be someone else. Let's investigate that body. So they go to the morgue,

[21:01] where it turns out Holmes is kind of a tender tummy, and he throws up in a bucket a bunch of

[21:06] times. Yep. Case closed. Yep. You know, joke achieved, I suppose. And here's where we meet

[21:13] two more important characters. Two very important characters. We meet Dr. Grace, played by Rebecca

[21:17] Hall, a female doctor from America, and they just cannot believe that she is a doctor. Now,

[21:22] she's not American, right? Rebecca Hall? I don't think so. Is she English? I thought she was.

[21:29] I think it's funny, then, that you have two American actors doing English accents,

[21:33] and then an English actor doing an American accent, and you also have Lauren Lapkus playing

[21:38] a character who cannot speak, doing the craziest faces. Yeah, she's playing a feral wild child.

[21:44] It's very funny, because she's great. She's a fantastic performer, and I'm a big fan of hers.

[21:48] I'm a big fan of Rebecca Hall's, too, but you can tell that for everyone else in the movie who's a

[21:52] big star, this is a big deal. Will Ferrell's in the back of the room crying right now. Sorry.

[21:56] John C. Reilly's great, and I love Rob Brydon, as we all know. And other actors who come up later,

[22:01] also fantastic. The rest of the triumvirate that should be starring in the movie, that I'll come

[22:06] to later. But you can tell everyone else, it's a paycheck. For Lauren Lapkus, it's like, this

[22:10] could be a big breakthrough. So, she is mugging the hell out of it. She makes the most of every

[22:14] shot she's in. I will retell the name-dropping story I told earlier, which is, early in doing

[22:20] comedy, I was on a podcast with Lauren Lapkus, where I was just playing myself, as a comedy

[22:27] writer, and there was a host, and then she came in. You weren't playing yourself as a time traveler?

[22:33] Yourself as a 17th century baron? Yeah, but she came in doing a character. That was her job on the

[22:39] podcast, and very quickly, I was like, I should not be on this podcast, and perhaps not in comedy,

[22:46] because she was so good at what she was doing. So many people have said that to you, and yet you

[22:50] refuse to take the advice. And yet I persist. But Lauren Lapkus, to have someone as funny as her,

[22:58] and be like, you know what? You're not going to talk during this movie, seems like the most

[23:03] perverse thing. You're the funny face person in the movie. Yeah. So, they show up, and despite

[23:08] the initial hesitation on Holmes and Watson's part to accept the idea of a woman doctor, they

[23:13] soon all start falling in love, with Dr. Hall and Watson flirting over their

[23:19] autopsy of the body, as they play Unchained Melody on a Victrola. That's right, it's a ghost reference,

[23:25] everybody. That's pretty timely. Very topical. I mean, at that point, I'd rather a reference to, like,

[23:30] a classic, in quotes, than a reference to, like, some movie that can't... It's like, how in...

[23:35] Is it Knocked Up? Where they're like, well, yeah, we went to go see Spider-Man 3. And they talk about

[23:40] Spider-Man 3 for a whole scene, and I'm like, nothing dates this movie more than that you are

[23:45] talking about Spider-Man 3 for all this stuff. And I like Spider-Man 3. Okay, so, and Holmes and

[23:51] Millicent flirt over eating raw onions together. So, we've got some love interests, but Holmes still

[23:56] thinks that someone's copycatting Moriarty. This kind of highlights one of the weird things about

[24:00] the movie for me, is that they code both Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly as, like, way younger

[24:06] than those two guys are. Like, they're behaving like they're, like, wacky teen boys. Yes. Which, I guess,

[24:12] could be the joke, I guess. Maybe. I mean, it's kind of like in... There's a great movie, I don't know if

[24:17] you guys know it, called The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, and the only minor flaw in it is that

[24:22] John Wayne and Jimmy Stewart are supposed to be playing young men, and they're both in their 50s.

[24:27] But... Yeah, we looked it up. Lauren Lapkus is, I can't remember, 32 or 33, I can't remember which.

[24:32] Well, you never reveal a moment's age. Let's just say she's 18 years younger than Will Ferrell.

[24:35] And Will Ferrell's 51, yeah. Yeah. And so, it's very... And, like, throughout the movie, I'm like, these guys

[24:40] would be a little funnier in these parts if they didn't seem like they were at the age where it is

[24:46] sad that they're this buffoonish. They're either too young or too old. Like, if they were

[24:51] two doddering old men, hilarious. The elderly are hilarious, because we're all going to be there,

[24:55] so it's okay to laugh at them, because someday someone will laugh at us. And young people are

[24:59] hilarious, because they don't know shit, because they haven't learned anything. But middle-aged...

[25:04] Whoa, Elliot's dabbing. Yeah. But middle-aged people are not funny, because they should

[25:11] be doing things to help the world, because they now have means and knowledge. But no,

[25:15] instead they're being a bunch of buffoons. Shouldn't you be at your accountant right now?

[25:20] It's like, how are you guys going to pay your mortgage with this buffoonery?

[25:25] And Watson, the doctors told him, he's so smart, he should be co-detective. And Watson's like,

[25:30] oh, I don't know, he has self-esteem problems. And he asks Holmes, can we be co-detectives? And Holmes

[25:34] says, you're not ready yet. And that night, they both have hilarious dreams about their new

[25:39] paramours. And by hilarious, I mean, there's a lot of production value in them. By hilarious, you mean,

[25:45] this was padding? Yeah. They should have called this movie Padding Ton Bear, because there's a ton

[25:50] of padding, and I can barely bear it. So where's the... Oh, and I get it. It's all taken care of,

[25:56] Dan. I used every piece of that buffalo. There's nothing left. Mathematically, that's a perfect

[26:06] joke. And you can choose the limits of math. To explain the human heart. Yeah, you're right.

[26:15] Now, Holmes believes that the killer is a one-armed tattoo artist. I don't remember how he

[26:18] came to this. He knows there's a one-armed tattoo artist named Clinger, who's in the bad part of

[26:22] town. So to find him, they go undercover as a couple of ruffians, which means them just drinking

[26:28] all night. And they get very drunk and are like, just doing dumb things. And they send a late night

[26:34] drunk telegram to their new crushes. And I was waiting for the scene where the crushes get it,

[26:37] and they're like, oh, what is this? And they're embarrassed. No, no repercussion. They just,

[26:41] they send it, and that's the end of that bit. Yeah. Because this is Holmes and Watson. It's

[26:46] a comedy, so why should we care about anything? Because it's set in the old timey times,

[26:49] but they like, are making thin references to modern... To new timey times. Yeah, modern

[26:55] common things, like sending a sext or something. You have put your finger on one of the most

[27:01] overused types of gag in the movie, which is, they didn't have this modern thing back then,

[27:06] but what if they did? They'd probably give it a cumbersome name. So like, they end up at a gym

[27:11] in the next scene, and there's a sign that says, cycle for your soul. And there's a guy barking

[27:16] through a megaphone, and some people on those big, what are they, penny farthing bicycles?

[27:19] It's like SoulCycle in olden times. What's that all about? Yeah, and the thing, like, I don't know,

[27:24] like, if there was one of these jokes in the movie, if they picked one, I might have laughed

[27:29] at it, because there's a point in this next scene that you're talking about where they have to fight,

[27:34] and instead of saying, let's get ready to rumble, the ring guy goes, let's get ready to scuffle.

[27:40] Not just any ring guy, Dan. Michael fucking Buffer, dude. Michael Buffer, the man who

[27:44] trademarks the phrase, let's get ready to rumble. Yeah, well, that part I wouldn't like no matter

[27:48] what, but if there was no other anachronism joke, I might think, oh, let's get ready to scuffle.

[27:54] Scuffle is a funny Victorian version of this. It will make me smile wildly. The corners of my mouth will upturn.

[28:02] As if a fishing line, unseen from the heavens, had dangled down and lifted those said corners.

[28:07] I mean, this also comes moments after Will Ferrell says, if you want to watch the fight, you've got

[28:10] to pay to view it. View per pay. We'll pay per view. And it's like, we get it. All right, okay.

[28:15] So they follow this tattooed man to the gym where, oh, they follow some tattooed men to a gym where

[28:20] Clinger is. Who's playing Clinger? Steve fucking Coogan. That's who. And I'm like,

[28:25] so the cast of the Sherlock Holmes comedy has been revealed to us. It should be Steve Coogan

[28:29] and Rob Brydon. Like, they're hilarious. They're English. We know they can work together. And

[28:34] because they made three movies together. Yeah. With somewhat diminishing returns with each one,

[28:38] but what are you going to do? You know? And so I'm like, why are you teasing me with the

[28:42] Sherlock Holmes comedy? That could have been, oh, there's more teasing to come later. But anyway.

[28:46] Elliot teases you. Yeah. That's a tease of a tease. A double tease, if you will. Two tees.

[28:53] That's how you spell Elliot. Anyway, so. Is that the entirety of how you spell Elliot?

[28:58] Yep. That's it. The other letters are all just kind of hidden. The rest is gravy.

[29:05] The tees are what hold it up. The rest is just for show. Make it look pretty.

[29:09] Those tees are the structural part. They have to fight a huge guy. Moriarty shows up too.

[29:15] Klinger and Moriarty were working together and they're like, you have to fight this big guy.

[29:19] The big guy gets, Watson beats him over the head with a chair until he is dead. I don't know. It's

[29:24] hard to tell. And Moriarty kills Klinger, stabs him in the back, and they pull out the knife and

[29:30] hurl it at Moriarty to reveal that he's not Moriarty. He's a man named Jacob Musgrave,

[29:35] who looks just like Moriarty and was wearing a fake beard. As Holmes had postulated earlier in

[29:39] the movie, one is led to believe that Holmes is such a buffoon that he has been blinded by

[29:45] his own arrogance. And he's denying the obvious evidence. Yes, but Holmes is actually right. This

[29:49] is a fake Moriarty. He is, in a way, a great mouse detective. In a way. I mean, he's like

[29:58] three of those four things. He's great.

[30:00] detective, the, there's only one of them.

[30:02] So he's 75% of a great mouse detective.

[30:04] Yeah. Some would say the most important one.

[30:07] I would say, as Dan was talking about statistics in his presentation,

[30:11] there's very little statistical difference between him and a great mouse detective.

[30:15] Like how chimps and humans share most of their DNA.

[30:20] Exactly. Which is very nice of us to do with them, because they don't pay us or anything.

[30:23] We get nothing from that transaction.

[30:27] Does that mean Dracula and Bun-icula are very similar?

[30:32] I'm glad you raised that question.

[30:34] They are 50% related. The icula part.

[30:38] Okay.

[30:40] Or the cula part. The i is, I guess, junk DNA, maybe Neanderthal DNA, distant relative.

[30:45] Yeah.

[30:47] But Drac and Bun are not related.

[30:49] Wait, the i is in the bunny.

[30:51] Yeah.

[30:52] Why would it be Neanderthal?

[30:53] I don't know what Neanderthals do.

[30:55] South House has a new sponsor this week.

[30:57] It's the book The Celery Stalks at Midnight.

[31:00] Available now.

[31:02] And 23andMe.

[31:04] Look, Neanderthals are extinct, Stuart.

[31:06] Maybe because instead of mating with each other, they were having sex with rabbits.

[31:09] I don't know.

[31:10] I'm not an anthropologist.

[31:13] I can only suggest theories that hopefully the evidence will bear out someday.

[31:18] Continuing back to the film.

[31:20] So Holmes is right. Maybe it's not Moriarty.

[31:23] And they receive another clue, a lump of coal that they're told to bring to Newcastle.

[31:27] There is no joke in this clue, as we'll find out later.

[31:30] Isn't there a phrase about bringing coal to Newcastle, though?

[31:33] Isn't that like a thing?

[31:35] You would know better than me, Mr. Sherlock Holmes guy.

[31:37] Oh, look it up while you talk.

[31:38] Look it up.

[31:39] Which is our usual division of labor.

[31:42] You talk, and I'm sort of in the background.

[31:46] What?

[31:47] Mild laughter from the audience.

[31:50] Because it was very awkward and uncomfortable.

[31:54] Have they weakened at Bernie's the Queen yet?

[31:57] No, that hasn't happened yet.

[31:58] Okay, so that's up next.

[32:00] Coals to Newcastle.

[32:02] A phrase meaning something brought or sent to a place where it is already plentiful.

[32:07] So Holmes and Watson is making reference to an outdated aphorism that none of us know.

[32:13] It's a smart movie.

[32:15] Yeah.

[32:16] I get it.

[32:17] Look, they can make new things into old stuff.

[32:19] They can make old things into new stuff.

[32:20] Holmes and Watson, try it today.

[32:22] It does both.

[32:23] It goes both ways.

[32:24] Odd life of Timothy Green.

[32:25] Go on.

[32:26] Holmes thinks that their love interests, their Americans, might be the murderers or working for the murderer.

[32:32] And the Queen shows up to say, hey, I have two days to live if you guys don't solve this mystery.

[32:36] John C. Reilly, of course, a huge fan.

[32:38] He decides he wants to take a selfie with the Queen.

[32:40] So some jokes about, oh no, it's a photograph that I take myself.

[32:44] The best way to do it is to make a face like a duck-billed platypus.

[32:47] Watch this.

[32:48] And we watch as instead of doing a joke about, oh, they're doing duck face,

[32:52] they then hit the Queen in the face with the camera accidentally and they decide she's dead

[32:57] and try to mush her into a trunk, into a chest or whatever, really being terrible with her body.

[33:06] And, of course, there's a part where Watson is trying to shove her and it looks like he's humping her

[33:10] and starts slapping her butt for some reason.

[33:12] This is the Queen of England, by the way, and trust me, let me just say this.

[33:15] I'll just stand up for it.

[33:17] I am no monarchist.

[33:18] I'm glad we're not part of the British Empire anymore.

[33:21] An unelected monarch?

[33:24] No thank you.

[33:26] I want to have a say in who my leader is.

[33:28] Wow.

[33:29] Reilly's really taking an unpopular stand here.

[33:31] Of course, due to the systems put in place, I have much less of a say in who is my leader

[33:36] than other parts of the country geographically.

[33:38] That accounts for the Senate also.

[33:40] In theory, in theory, no dumb old lady can just be born onto the throne

[33:47] and then tell me she's not amused.

[33:49] Well, I'm not amused by her.

[33:51] Take that, Queen Victoria.

[33:52] You guys are lambs.

[33:53] Thank you.

[33:54] Take that, Queen Victoria.

[33:57] Strong words.

[33:58] I once was on a trip to Scotland and I was in the lovely city of Glasgow.

[34:03] And is it my favorite Scottish city?

[34:05] Of course not.

[34:06] Edinburgh is.

[34:07] It's the best city in the world, maybe.

[34:08] They fry everything.

[34:10] I went into a restaurant and I had fried hamburgers followed by fried candy bars.

[34:14] They took French fries, already fried, and they battered and fried them.

[34:17] It's the greatest city in the world.

[34:19] But I went to Glasgow, where I assume they also do frying,

[34:22] and there was this big open plaza with statues of Great Scots.

[34:27] And not like, Great Scott, not like that.

[34:29] People are just standing around being shot.

[34:31] Yeah, yeah.

[34:32] People from Great People of Scotland.

[34:34] And there was a statue of Queen Victoria.

[34:36] There's, like, people who invented things are there.

[34:38] Great statesmen.

[34:39] Only one woman, which was Queen Victoria.

[34:41] I mean, that's obviously a problem with history, that imbalance.

[34:43] The only woman there is Queen Victoria because she visited Glasgow once.

[34:47] So they put up a statue because she visited there once.

[34:50] Dan, if that was the case, there would be so many Popeyes across this great nation

[34:54] that had statues of me in them.

[34:57] And I feel a little offended that there aren't.

[34:59] You know, Elliot, before we started this show,

[35:03] our point person at the venue said,

[35:05] there is no hard out for the show.

[35:07] And I think you took that a little too much to your own heart.

[35:11] So, anyway, Queen Victoria is there.

[35:13] They think they've killed her, and they are abusing her body terribly.

[35:16] And once her guards run in,

[35:19] and they're literally about to dismember her with a bone saw to get rid of her body,

[35:22] when she wakes up, asks for a copy of the selfie photograph,

[35:25] and leaves abruptly.

[35:27] Well, so there you have it.

[35:28] The movie almost cut a live woman up.

[35:31] This is the moment in which the audience almost kills themselves

[35:35] because they're like, surely there's no more laughs to be had in life.

[35:38] We must deliver ourselves over to the afterlife

[35:41] where perhaps there is more humor to be had.

[35:43] But Holmes and Watson has used all of it up on Earth.

[35:46] There's none. It's a precious resource, and they've used it all.

[35:49] Hey, Elliot, did you do anything else fun while you were in Scotland?

[35:53] Oh, I mean, I've been there a couple times, obviously.

[35:56] I mean, Edinburgh Castle is beautiful.

[35:59] Oh, yeah, that sounds cool.

[36:00] It's got such history.

[36:02] And I was online for the tour,

[36:05] and I could see there were lots of people there who were Scottish,

[36:07] and the castle's been there 1,000 years.

[36:09] And it really struck me.

[36:10] I was like, I live in a country where most of the people in it

[36:13] can pinpoint for the most part when their ancestors came to this country.

[36:16] And to live in a place where your family, as far as you know,

[36:19] has always lived for thousands of years,

[36:21] I was like, that's such a different experience from my own.

[36:23] I found that really interesting.

[36:24] Anyway, not necessarily one's better than the other,

[36:26] but just a different experience.

[36:27] Of course, my wife and I are on a different trip.

[36:29] We hiked the last three days of the West Highland Way.

[36:32] Beautiful hiking.

[36:33] Yeah, yeah.

[36:34] From the moors to the forest.

[36:35] It was a fairytale land.

[36:36] I had haggis every dinner while I was there.

[36:39] Stuart, if there's one person who does not need to be encouraged,

[36:45] it's Ellie.

[36:46] Dan, as a great man once said,

[36:48] if you remove whatever is impossible,

[36:51] then whatever is left behind, I will talk about forever.

[36:55] Those were the immortal words of Lizzie McGuire.

[36:58] Yeah, I think so.

[36:59] Or Alex Mack.

[37:01] Anyway, so Holmes is like,

[37:04] we're going to seduce the American ladies

[37:06] and make them reveal their secrets.

[37:08] So they go on a picnic,

[37:09] and for reasons that are too stupid to get into,

[37:12] Holmes is like, no, actually, I guess they're okay.

[37:14] So that was a dead end.

[37:15] Now, they decide they have to go talk to the other smartest man in England.

[37:20] That's right.

[37:21] Sherlock Holmes has a brother.

[37:23] His name, Dan?

[37:24] Mycroft.

[37:25] Now, Dan, up to this point,

[37:26] the movie's been pretty close to the Holmes canon, right?

[37:29] Not perfect.

[37:31] When they break that beehive with a cricket bat,

[37:34] when they have to shove Queen Victoria's dead body into a trunk,

[37:37] that's all the masturbation stuff.

[37:40] That's all from the original Conan Doyle stories, right?

[37:42] Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

[37:44] It's almost like,

[37:45] so I know that this old story of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

[37:47] not wanting, being tired of Sherlock Holmes

[37:49] and trying to kill him in, what, the final question?

[37:51] The final problem.

[37:52] The final problem.

[37:53] And it's almost like,

[37:55] he decided instead to write the dumbest Sherlock Holmes story ever.

[37:59] It's like, this will cure them of their love of Holmes.

[38:02] I'll just make it bad.

[38:04] What if he vomits into a bucket repeatedly?

[38:06] What if he eats an onion like an apple and just keeps talking about it?

[38:11] But he goes to see Mycroft Holmes.

[38:14] Okay, imagine my delight and then disappointment

[38:18] when I discover who is playing Mycroft Holmes.

[38:20] Dan, can you, who is playing Mycroft Holmes?

[38:22] I can't even say it.

[38:24] Mr. Hugh Laurie.

[38:25] That's right, Mr. Hugh Laurie.

[38:27] Who could also have conceivably played a buffoonish Sherlock Holmes in a comedy.

[38:31] He's played a buffoon.

[38:33] He's basically played Sherlock Holmes.

[38:35] Put them together.

[38:36] Come on.

[38:37] It's not rocket science, people.

[38:39] So the movie has been teasing us with three other possible leads for the movie.

[38:44] Four if you count Rebecca Hall, which I will for that matter.

[38:47] Sure.

[38:48] I would love that.

[38:50] And yet, has there ever been a lady Sherlock Holmes with a lady Watson?

[38:53] In a non-porno.

[38:55] Yes.

[38:56] I wish that went without saying.

[38:58] I mean, there's a female Watson in elementary with Johnny Lee Miller.

[39:02] No, but I mean both.

[39:03] But I'm sure there has.

[39:05] A she-lock Holmes, if you will.

[39:07] I won't.

[39:08] I will not do that, sir.

[39:10] All right.

[39:11] Okay.

[39:12] Submitted and rejected.

[39:13] All right.

[39:14] Something about it feels sexist.

[39:15] I don't know what, but I don't like it.

[39:18] What about a black Sherlock Holmes and a black Watson?

[39:20] No.

[39:21] I mean, let's do it, but don't get into it.

[39:23] Okay.

[39:24] I'm all in support of it.

[39:26] I'm not in support of you discussing it.

[39:28] All right.

[39:29] I guess I'm not the right person for it.

[39:30] Anyway, so once again, Mycroft, Holmes, and Sherlock Holmes, they're so smart,

[39:34] they talk to each other just with their brains telepathically.

[39:36] And Mycroft says, this has to be someone who is close to you.

[39:41] They know your methods, and they're using them against you.

[39:44] And so Holmes accuses the person closest to him, Watson.

[39:47] He says, Watson, you wanted the credit, and I wouldn't give it to you.

[39:51] So you did this, and they take Watson away.

[39:54] And everyone is kind of surprised at what a jackass Holmes has just been.

[39:57] Yeah, and it's playing on the…

[40:00] The idea floated by that great movie, Sherlock Gnomes.

[40:06] That Watson, tired of Sherlock, would finally

[40:09] snap and become the bad guy.

[40:10] Yeah, tired of living in the shadows.

[40:12] Now, Dan, did you ever think as a Sherlockian

[40:14] that you would see a movie that would make you return

[40:17] to Sherlock Gnomes as a better, more accurate

[40:20] representation of the character?

[40:21] Sherlock Gnomes is a better Sherlock Holmes movie.

[40:23] Like, the thing is, the conception of Sherlock Holmes.

[40:26] Just correct me if I'm wrong.

[40:27] Sherlock Holmes, the story is so good.

[40:29] I'm excited to say that you were literally

[40:31] dribbling water in your mouth from the bottle.

[40:34] Yeah, yeah, wait.

[40:35] I need some clarification.

[40:36] So Sherlock Gnomes is named that because he's a garden gnome.

[40:40] Is Sherlock Holmes named that because he's made out of a home?

[40:43] He's made out of a better Holmes than gardens, maybe.

[40:45] Oh, right.

[40:46] Now, yeah, because correct me if I'm wrong.

[40:49] This is what I want to say.

[40:49] I'm not a Sherlockian like you.

[40:51] In the canon, is he a gnome?

[40:53] No.

[40:55] I mean.

[40:56] I literally spilled water on myself

[40:58] because I wanted to say that to you.

[41:00] Yeah, yeah, that was your most Columbo moment.

[41:03] Oh, one more thing.

[41:04] One more thing.

[41:05] Sherlock Holmes, is he a gnome?

[41:10] I mean, a little more Sylvester Stallone there,

[41:12] but that's OK.

[41:14] He's, I just want to know, Dan.

[41:15] Oh, he shows up every once in a while.

[41:18] You know, it's a good question.

[41:20] Is he a gnome?

[41:21] I mean, he's smaller than me.

[41:23] In the movies, I'm actually kind of a short guy in real life.

[41:27] Like, he's kind of a wimp.

[41:29] He couldn't beat me in a fight.

[41:30] And a gnome couldn't beat me in a fight either.

[41:33] I mean, Sherlock Holmes is kind of an expert in boxing,

[41:36] among other forms of.

[41:37] An expert of boxing?

[41:39] My name's Rocky Balboa.

[41:41] Touche.

[41:42] Touche, Rocky.

[41:43] I don't know what that means.

[41:46] Also, my name's Sylvester Stallone.

[41:47] I'm just a character.

[41:48] You don't have to call me Rocky.

[41:50] I do it as a form of respect.

[41:51] I know, do you get it occasionally?

[41:52] I extend it to you as respect.

[41:54] The way I would, you know, call the Queen, the Queen,

[41:57] Her Majesty, rather than by her name.

[41:59] Because it's like, I know I sometimes confuse myself

[42:02] as my characters, but I've been hit on the head a lot.

[42:06] So I don't, I wouldn't expect you to do the same.

[42:09] I think, you know, I am Academy Award winning screenwriter.

[42:12] No, that's not true.

[42:13] I lost, of course, to Patty Chayefsky.

[42:16] The hack.

[42:18] But I tell myself that because guess who's still around?

[42:20] Not Patty Chayefsky.

[42:23] Let me call up Patty Chayefsky, see if he want a can, he's dead.

[42:26] You know what?

[42:27] You know what, Mr. Stallone?

[42:28] I appreciate you fact-checking yourself in the middle of your monologue.

[42:32] Call me Sly.

[42:34] All right, Sly.

[42:34] Because that's me, Sly in the family Stallone.

[42:37] It's true.

[42:38] I have a family and they have the same last name as me.

[42:40] I know, I'm aware of your brother Frank.

[42:43] Don't even talk about him.

[42:47] Well, I should get going.

[42:49] I just came to Portland so I could have some,

[42:52] I don't know, whatever they do here.

[42:57] I'm glad that you did the research, Sly.

[42:59] Yeah.

[43:01] Stuart, do you really see me as the kind of guy who's just going to crack it open

[43:04] in encyclopedia and just look up under P for Portland?

[43:07] No, I look up under S for Stallone.

[43:10] To remind myself if I am a guy who was a prisoner of war or if I wasn't a guy.

[43:15] Motherfucker.

[43:16] Was I? Did I live in Copland at one point?

[43:20] I can't remember.

[43:21] Was I? I can't remember if I'm a race car driver.

[43:24] Yeah, you got...

[43:24] I need an escape plan from this bit.

[43:27] Yeah, like, so was I in jail and I escaped or was that a character that I did?

[43:31] God damn.

[43:32] Are you going to see the daylight ever?

[43:35] It's a real cliffhanger.

[43:38] And that's the Sylvester Stallone bit.

[43:41] All right.

[43:42] Thank you.

[43:45] So we find ourselves at the beginning of Act 3 and of Act 2 Crisis.

[43:51] Watson has been arrested.

[43:52] Holmes finds that he misses his friend, especially when he reads Watson's diary,

[43:56] which is just all about how great Sherlock Holmes is.

[43:58] Holmes starts to cry.

[44:00] He feels emotions again, those emotions that he shoved away.

[44:03] The movie is pretending we care about the plot now.

[44:06] And he sings a song about how he misses his friend.

[44:09] That song was written by Alan Menken.

[44:15] Originally Menken and Ashman before Ashman, unfortunately, sadly died.

[44:18] But like, you may know, for instance, the Little Mermaid songs, Menken and Ashman.

[44:23] Do you name any of the songs?

[44:25] Kiss the Girl.

[44:26] That's the one you went for first.

[44:28] Under the Sea.

[44:29] Not Under the...

[44:30] Damn Sea?

[44:31] I gotta say, I'm a bigger Kiss the Girl fan.

[44:34] Really, when I was a kid, I owned The Little Mermaid on VHS

[44:37] and the big clamshell Disney library tape box.

[44:39] Also Little Shop of Horrors, by the way.

[44:41] That's not a Little Mermaid song.

[44:43] Menken and Ashman, all right, go on.

[44:46] I would watch Under the Sea, and then I would stop the tape,

[44:49] I would rewind it to the beginning of Under the Sea,

[44:51] and I would watch that song again.

[44:53] Because you know what?

[44:54] It got my little toes tapping.

[44:56] And I'm still little, and it still gets my toes tapping.

[45:00] So they sing the song.

[45:01] There's no real jokes in the song.

[45:03] It's just a duet.

[45:04] It's just an example of more talent thrown at this movie.

[45:07] Like, speaking of music, Mark Mothersbaugh does the fucking score

[45:11] of Devo, known for doing the soundtracks to Wes Anderson movies,

[45:15] Rugrats.

[45:16] Yeah, amazing, amazing guy.

[45:17] Just like, wait, so much talent,

[45:19] wash down the toilet.

[45:20] Wait, did Wes Anderson make the Rugrats movie?

[45:23] Yeah, yeah, yeah, he made the Rugrats movie.

[45:25] It was called Moonrise Kingdom.

[45:31] So Sherlock Holmes is like, no, wait, Watson's innocent.

[45:34] He would never frame me.

[45:35] He would never do this to me.

[45:36] And I love him.

[45:37] He's my friend.

[45:38] And Watson is about to be hung.

[45:39] He's watching them test out the rope,

[45:41] which this is kind of a funny joke.

[45:43] This is definitely, let's give the movie credit.

[45:45] This is definitely a funny joke.

[45:46] And we'll say, this is not a movie without laughs.

[45:48] There are funny jokes.

[45:49] There are oases in the desert of otherwise bits that don't work.

[45:52] There are funny jokes in the movie.

[45:54] Holmes and Watson, I'll give you that.

[45:56] There are funny jokes in you.

[45:58] Yeah, but it's like panning for gold in, like, a cesspool.

[46:03] Wow.

[46:04] Wow.

[46:05] Rough.

[46:06] Now, what made you think there'd be gold in the cesspool, Dan?

[46:08] Because usually gold is in, like, streams that come down a mountain.

[46:11] Have you seen the ballad of Buster Scruggs?

[46:13] I have, indeed.

[46:14] So, like Tom Waits, I just, you know,

[46:16] I dug in several cesspools and I put little flags up.

[46:19] And when there's more gold...

[46:21] And you were like, I'm gonna get you, Mr. Cesspool.

[46:23] You can't stop me, Mr. Cesspool.

[46:25] Well, that's our Buster Scruggs bit, I guess.

[46:28] Yeah, yeah.

[46:29] Should we talk about Buster...

[46:30] No, we shouldn't talk about Buster Scruggs for a while.

[46:32] Anyway, so, but the joke is they're testing out the noose

[46:36] and they're using a man made out of straw.

[46:39] And they test it and it goes to the trap door

[46:41] and its head pops off and the two dogs run out to tear it apart.

[46:44] And Watson's like, the dogs seem a bit much.

[46:48] But then a mystery figure enters his cell

[46:51] and brings him a piece of cake.

[46:53] And that's when it all comes together for Watson.

[46:55] It turns out the real killer...

[46:57] Should I reveal it?

[46:58] Uh-huh, yeah, sure.

[46:59] It was Mrs. Hudson all along,

[47:01] their housekeeper, who has turned out to be

[47:03] Moriarty's daughter.

[47:06] Moriarty has a daughter.

[47:08] Her name, his name is Mrs. Hudson,

[47:10] a character who up to now has only been shouted at

[47:12] by Holmes and Watson and...

[47:14] And implied that she entertains...

[47:16] And fled shame at one point.

[47:17] Yeah, it's implied that she...

[47:18] She's a prostitute.

[47:19] She entertains the affections of, what, Albert Einstein?

[47:23] It's a man that...

[47:24] So she has these three henchmen,

[47:26] and I'm like, those guys kind of look like

[47:28] Albert Einstein, Mark Twain, and Charlie Chaplin,

[47:30] but that's weird.

[47:31] In the credits, they're listed as

[47:32] Mark Twain, Albert Einstein, Charlie Chaplin.

[47:34] So there must be some bit that got cut.

[47:36] Otherwise, it's such a weird...

[47:38] It's the same way it would be weird

[47:39] to put a woman in a striking blue dress

[47:41] and give her no lines of dialogue.

[47:43] It would be weird to dress up

[47:45] some extras, basically,

[47:47] in the costumes of historical figures,

[47:49] credit them as such,

[47:50] and give them nothing to do.

[47:52] Honestly, that is the part of the movie

[47:53] I respect the most.

[47:55] To have a character have sex

[47:57] with three historical figures

[47:59] and never mention it.

[48:01] Not since Tim Heidecker

[48:03] walks through Bridesmaids

[48:04] with an airy line of dialogue

[48:06] and I began to wonder

[48:07] if they knew he was on set

[48:08] when they shot the film.

[48:10] Not since then have I been so baffled

[48:12] by the use of background players.

[48:15] Very strange.

[48:16] Well, but chalk it up to the mastery

[48:17] of Ethan Coen,

[48:18] the man who made Garfield

[48:19] and Garfield of Tale of Two Kitties.

[48:21] The man who probably, apocryphally,

[48:23] Bill Murray thought was Ethan Coen.

[48:25] There's no way.

[48:26] So they asked Bill Murray

[48:27] in a GQ interview,

[48:28] they're like,

[48:29] why did you do Garfield in the movie?

[48:30] He's like, oh, I thought it was

[48:31] Ethan Coen of the Coen Brothers.

[48:32] It's like, that's not true, dude.

[48:33] Then you did a second one.

[48:34] It's like, come on.

[48:35] Did you think,

[48:36] oh, this time they really got him.

[48:39] Fool me once,

[48:40] shame on you.

[48:41] Fool me twice,

[48:42] shame on Bill Murray

[48:43] is what you're saying.

[48:44] Shame on him all the time.

[48:46] He does all sorts of,

[48:47] he ruins people's weddings.

[48:49] This'll be hilarious.

[48:50] I'll go in and be

[48:51] in all the wedding pictures.

[48:52] Maybe they want one picture

[48:53] that you're not in, Bill Murray.

[48:54] It's their special day.

[48:55] Don't make it all about you.

[48:56] I was about to call him Fletch,

[48:57] but that's Jimmy Chase.

[48:58] He has a special day.

[48:59] It's called Groundhog's Day.

[49:01] Very true.

[49:02] Okay, so,

[49:03] Sherlock,

[49:04] he realizes that

[49:05] Mrs. Hudson wants

[49:06] to kill the queen

[49:07] and defeat Sherlock

[49:08] in order to win

[49:09] her dad's love.

[49:10] He never would have realized it

[49:11] because love was alien to him

[49:12] until Millicent,

[49:13] Lauren Lapkus' character

[49:14] that I realized

[49:15] we didn't name,

[49:16] and she doesn't talk

[49:17] because earlier

[49:18] they say she was raised by cats

[49:19] and that's why she doesn't talk.

[49:20] Anyway.

[49:21] There's another funny joke.

[49:22] I have to say,

[49:23] another funny joke

[49:24] where everyone's mad

[49:25] at Sherlock

[49:26] and they do their thing.

[49:27] They all storm out

[49:28] and say different things to him.

[49:29] And Millicent

[49:30] angrily hands him a note

[49:31] storms off

[49:32] and he opens it up

[49:33] and it's a child's

[49:34] drawing of a cat.

[49:36] Genuinely funny.

[49:37] But,

[49:38] moving on.

[49:39] And so,

[49:40] he goes

[49:41] and he frees Watson

[49:42] from the trap

[49:43] that he's been put into

[49:44] by Mrs. Hudson

[49:45] and they know

[49:46] there's a bomb

[49:47] on the Titanic

[49:48] where,

[49:49] and they're like,

[49:50] ah,

[49:51] we had to bring Cole

[49:52] to a new

[49:53] sort of castle.

[49:54] And it's like,

[49:55] what?

[49:56] Come on.

[49:57] That doesn't make sense.

[49:58] Nobody at the time

[49:59] was like,

[50:00] The and this is also where this is something that shouldn't bother me in a movie called Holmes and Watson where Sherlock Holmes and John

[50:06] Watson are buffoons, but that it's like this is clearly taking place like the

[50:11] 1890s right because Holmes mentions that he is that he is 46

[50:15] This is where he's a kid Elliot does a little Sherlocking of his own. Yeah, he's a kid in 1867

[50:20] Let's say he's six years old. That means me. It must be born in 1861

[50:23] If he's 46 the year is 1907 at the latest Elliot's calculating the trajectory

[50:28] He's in his memory palace right now. It was the Titanic launch. Let me go to that room the Titanic room. Let's see

[50:34] 1912 hold on a second Sherlock Holmes movie

[50:38] You got it all wrong when the Titanic was much

[50:42] We got we got shut down boys. I think I don't know Queen Victoria's birth and death days. I think she had died by then I

[50:49] What was it? What was it?

[50:51] 1901 thank you. Well, let the jury

[50:58] I

[50:59] expert witness

[51:01] Was attested that Queen Victoria who we've just seen with the defendants Holmes and Watson died in

[51:08] 1901 and yet we are to believe she was present on the Titanic right before her maiden voyage

[51:14] I have this newspaper with today's date on it

[51:18] Yeah with an article about the Titanic that mentions that it was launched in 1912

[51:21] And so I postulate to you ladies and gentlemen of the jury

[51:26] You must find Holmes and Watson both guilty of not caring about history

[51:32] The worst crime there is thank you

[51:37] The sentence of course

[51:40] Is that we're gonna finish talking about the movie any minute? Okay, so we're very close

[51:43] They know where the bomb is and Sherlock is trying to calculate in his head the best way to get rid of it

[51:47] But he keeps thinking about Millicent

[51:49] He's being distracted by love

[51:50] Watson is gonna have to do it and Watson is the one who also deduced where the bomb is

[51:54] Watson he just runs through and pushes people aside killing a lot like using up time

[52:00] One more

[52:02] Like that like whenever Sherlock is doing his calculations they pull something from the Robert Downey jr.

[52:08] Sherlock Holmes rooms was like trajectory of this X equals whatever like they do it like a little thing where he's like his brain is

[52:14] Going through earlier when he's drunk. He's trying to calculate the trajectory of his P

[52:19] Not so does he gonna choose that one is not funny

[52:21] But this one's but this one's pretty funny because Watson is trying to do the same thing, but he is

[52:27] He doesn't understand the math so he's like oh, it's so hard

[52:30] Is that an X or a plus sign like the math is appearing his head?

[52:33] He doesn't know to do it was a fun and John C. Reilly

[52:35] He's trying to have genuinely funny in this movie even though the movie is terrible like he is a good

[52:40] Comedian and this movie is so bad. He's a trained clown. Yeah, he knows what he's doing when it comes to comedy

[52:46] I mean Will Ferrell obviously knows he's doing but he's come to comedy, but he doesn't seem to care that much in this one anyway

[52:50] So Watson throws the bomb of course this being a movie it lands in the boat of the bad guy who says oh shit right before

[52:57] The bomb explodes the most cliched thing a bad guy can say when a bomb lands at their feet

[53:02] That's small comfort to somebody who's just been exploded

[53:06] Small comfort is that I'm also ripping on them for a cliche

[53:10] One second to live come up with something original, dude

[53:14] The day is saved and Sherlock Holmes shares the credit with Watson the next day

[53:19] I guess they say farewell to their ladies as they board the Titanic back to New York who else is there?

[53:23] But Billy Zane who they call out as Billy Zane not playing his role in Titanic. They just say look

[53:29] It's Billy Zane ladies and gentlemen of the jury

[53:34] Still with us are we to believe that he is a Highlander

[53:40] Perhaps one of these immortals we've heard so much about

[53:43] Vampire one of your Robert Pattinson's, I think not Watson gives Holmes a present

[53:48] It's a deerstalker cap finally the right hat which means that this came before every other Sherlock Holmes story, right?

[53:56] And the glad thing finally we have the origin story for Sherlock Holmes's hat wonderful

[54:00] And they're friends again, and then there is maybe the most baffling scene in the entire movie

[54:05] We cut to it's the Old West on the Oklahoma frontier some frontier. We're just so what Wyoming

[54:12] Thank you. It's the Wyoming frontier. It's a big country up there, you know

[54:19] Big sky country because this they've done the studies the sky is not wider as people think they're actually thicker there

[54:26] There's more layers. Yeah, it's built up over the years fatty

[54:30] Like a pace just like a toothpaste. Yeah

[54:33] Walk through the sky and it gets all over your clothes. Yeah, it's a gross state a gross gross state

[54:39] They dug they actually dug a hole in Jackson to get away from the sky

[54:44] The sky was so thick it was pushing people down

[54:46] So they dug a holes that they could be like whoo get the sky off my shoulders for a moment. Yeah, that's why

[54:52] That's why uh, look god damn it

[54:57] Johnny Cash, it's you guys. We're going to Jackson to get away from the sky continue. Oh, they're talking about a different Jackson in that one

[55:03] That's not Jackson

[55:09] The jury I submit

[55:13] So this last final scene he's in Wyoming

[55:15] It's the Old West someone's in a saloon reading a newspaper out of the Titanic sank, but a lady doctor saved 700 lives

[55:20] Which that's of course Rebecca Hall's character

[55:23] Someone hands a note to this man

[55:26] No, but the headline says lady doctor saves, uh, then I'm talking to the newspaper I

[55:32] Mean, yeah, I mean, yes the past should have been better than ladies. Yeah, you're right. I don't know who's at fault here

[55:38] history

[55:40] So someone hands a telegram to Moriarty that says we know where you are and we're coming to get you Holmes and Watson

[55:47] He lowers his newspaper and looks at the bar where Holmes and Watson are standing there wearing cowboy hats

[55:52] But then someone walks by and they're gone and it cuts to credits and I'm like wait

[55:56] So is the final joke supposed to be that Moriarty lives forever in fear that Holmes and Watson?

[56:01] Because it's not funny and they can't be setting up a sequel, right?

[56:06] So, what is this scene doing there?

[56:08] I submit to you in a world where there are 51 minutes of deleted scenes of the end with this movie

[56:14] Why didn't they just go ahead and make it 53?

[56:16] Dan Stewart, what are your theories? Why did they include this moment? I don't get it. My theory is going very long

[56:22] Let's go to final judgments

[56:24] about this theory

[56:27] Not the scientific sense, but

[56:30] It's just a good bad movie a bad bad movie or movie kind of liked

[56:35] Elliot's I think it's a bad bad movie

[56:36] There's a there are some good jokes in it, but it gets me mad one is just like there's a lot of nothing in this

[56:41] Movie, it's not funny enough for the amount of nothing in it, but also gets me mad that they're like, hey

[56:46] You like Sherlock Holmes? Sure. You like comedy? Of course I do. You like Rob Brydon?

[56:51] Yeah, you like Hugh Laurie? Who doesn't? You like Steve Coogan? He's maybe the funniest person there is. Guess what?

[56:58] They're not the stars of this movie

[57:00] But you will see them and it will taunt you with the movie that could have been

[57:04] So I'm gonna say bad bad for getting me all worked up over what could have happened

[57:08] Yeah, I'll make it quick like for me. The problem is what I said before like

[57:13] I'm not saying you can't make a good Sherlock Holmes comedy

[57:15] But you're bumping up against the idea of like, okay

[57:18] This guy is simultaneously the most intelligent person in the world and a complete ass

[57:24] But not like in an ass that like makes sense like you can be the most intelligent

[57:28] Believe me, Dan knows what asses make sense

[57:31] You can be the most intelligent person in the world and still be an ass, like you can be arrogant

[57:35] You can be foolish. You can like because you're so smart you like miss the obvious, but he's

[57:41] So smart and he as Elliot said before hits a glass case of bees with a cricket bat

[57:47] So the match just doesn't add up. Stuart. Yeah, I mean, it's a bad bad movie

[57:52] It feels like you know a couple of performers put put some effort in but it feels like

[57:57] Everyone else doesn't give a shit

[57:59] I mean, it's a big waste of talent that there's a lot of great performers in this and some of them are trying really hard

[58:04] Some they're trying less hard but give them give them better stuff to do give them more to do give them

[58:09] Give them a dream

[58:12] A dream. Oh, no, it's not time for my song yet. Yeah

[58:15] If

[58:23] You're looking for a new comedy podcast why not try the beef and dairy network it won Best Comedy at the British Podcast Awards in

[58:30] 2017 and

[58:32] 2018 also I will there were no horses in this country until the mid to late 60s specialist bovine

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[58:42] She was married to a bacon farmer who saved her life farm-raised

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[58:50] Hmm download it today. That's the beef and dairy network podcast from maximum fun org

[58:56] Also, maybe start at episode 1 or weirdly episode 36, which for some reason requires no knowledge of the rest of the show

[59:03] Hey everyone, it's I John Hodgman of the judge John Hodgman podcast and I Elliot Kalin of the flophouse podcast

[59:10] and we've made a whole new podcast a

[59:14] 12-episode special miniseries called I

[59:17] Potty's in which we recap discuss and explore the very famous

[59:22] 1976 BBC miniseries about ancient Rome called I

[59:26] Claudius we've got incredible guests such as Gillian Jacobs Paul F

[59:29] Tompkins as well as star of I Claudius sir, Patrick Stewart and his son non, sir, Daniel Stewart

[59:36] Don't worry, Daniel get there someday

[59:38] I potty us is the name of the show every week for maximum fun org for only 12 weeks

[59:43] Get him at maximum fun org or wherever you get your podcasts

[59:48] Now a quick word from Squarespace guys

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[1:01:22] Here's the thing, without Elliot to make fun of me, I really can't tell.

[1:01:28] That's the problem.

[1:01:30] It sounds the same to my Midwestern ears.

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[1:04:23] And now, back to the movie that personally offended me as a Sherlock Holmes fan, although

[1:04:29] I guess by this time in the podcast, we're moving on to interaction with the audience.

[1:04:37] Holmes and Watson, enjoy the live show.

[1:04:41] Moving on.

[1:04:42] Okay, what do we do now?

[1:04:44] Now we talk to people who might have questions in the audience.

[1:04:48] We have gone longer than we normally do because we have felt way too comfortable with the

[1:04:54] wide open heart out that this theater has given us.

[1:04:58] Damn, I was going to go longer than we normally do, regardless of what they told us.

[1:05:03] There's no internal clock in this guy.

[1:05:05] Fair.

[1:05:06] But if people would like to ask questions, you do not have to, do not feel that you must

[1:05:11] unless you're moved to a good question.

[1:05:12] It's not mandatory, but there's...

[1:05:13] There are two microphones on either side of this stage.

[1:05:16] There's a microphone over there.

[1:05:17] There's a microphone over there.

[1:05:18] And you know what?

[1:05:19] We'd love to hear these questions, but Dan, I thought first, you know, I had a dream last

[1:05:24] night and I thought I might tell everybody about it.

[1:05:29] I dreamed last night I was on a plane to Portland, and by some chance I was standing on a stage.

[1:05:37] Oh, you're doing the Gadget Doll thing, I like that.

[1:05:40] And there I stood, and I said, I'm going to waste some time with a song.

[1:05:46] But my co-hosts there were filling up with rage.

[1:05:51] And my co-hosts said, shut up, shut up, and answer the questions.

[1:05:54] My co-hosts said, shut up, shut up, and answer the questions.

[1:05:57] Because the people are getting mad, and you're saying he's giving them indigestion.

[1:06:00] Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, and answer the questions.

[1:06:03] Thank you.

[1:06:05] You know, this song irritates me on two levels.

[1:06:11] Okay.

[1:06:12] Hang on, tell me.

[1:06:13] One is so good.

[1:06:15] It's a normal level of the fact that you're singing a song.

[1:06:18] And number two, I love that song, I wish I could sing it in a musical.

[1:06:22] Not that song.

[1:06:23] The one you're referencing.

[1:06:24] My song?

[1:06:25] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1:06:26] You know, Dan, I had another dream that I'll tell you about.

[1:06:29] Okay.

[1:06:30] I dreamed a dream of this whole thing.

[1:06:35] But in the dream we all were naked.

[1:06:39] But it was cool, it wasn't a thing.

[1:06:44] But boy, oh boy, Dan, was your face red.

[1:06:47] I don't know how the rest of that song goes, I've never seen Les Mis.

[1:06:50] Someday.

[1:06:51] I've got so much stuff going on in my life.

[1:06:53] Something about tigers coming at night, you know, whatever.

[1:06:55] Somebody what?

[1:06:56] The tigers come at night.

[1:06:58] Wait, are tigers coming at night?

[1:07:00] Yeah, something like that, right?

[1:07:01] I've got to see this movie.

[1:07:02] Everyone, everyone, sing together.

[1:07:04] Okay, they should call the movie Liz Tigers.

[1:07:07] Okay, let's start with a question over here.

[1:07:09] Oh, wait, let me just say one thing.

[1:07:13] Don't worry about starting your question by telling us how much you love the show.

[1:07:18] We know it.

[1:07:19] Thanks so much for being here.

[1:07:20] We really appreciate it.

[1:07:21] So just take it for granted we know that already.

[1:07:23] All right, answer your question.

[1:07:24] Hi, my name's Harley.

[1:07:26] Hello.

[1:07:27] I know that you don't want me to talk about it, but I just want to say to Stuart that

[1:07:30] me and my buddy over there had a great time with the Head of the Invisible Freak.

[1:07:35] Yay!

[1:07:36] Yes, and we were on that and it was great.

[1:07:38] Anyway, so my question.

[1:07:40] I'll let that one pass, that's all right.

[1:07:42] So my question is both calling out and legitimately asking my hero, Elliot, who has fallen.

[1:07:51] I don't like the calling out part.

[1:07:54] So I am kind of like, I really like animation.

[1:07:57] That's my favorite kind of movie.

[1:07:59] And when me and my friend watched the Emoji movie, we felt that this is possibly one of

[1:08:03] the worst movies I've ever seen.

[1:08:05] I feel very strongly about that.

[1:08:07] And I was like, oh boy, I can't wait for the floppers to really dig their teeth in this one.

[1:08:12] And when I watched your episode, I was broken hearted to see my own favorite Elliot Kaelin

[1:08:17] not get that mad.

[1:08:19] He wasn't that mad and he wasn't that angry about it.

[1:08:22] And I was like, Elliot, you were supposed to be my friend in this.

[1:08:25] Elliot, how do you explain your presidency of the Emoji movie fan?

[1:08:31] Hey, look, a guy, you know, it's T.J. Miller, such a great guy.

[1:08:35] I'm just kidding.

[1:08:36] You know what I think it was?

[1:08:40] Even having to watch that movie for the Flop House, I was so relieved knowing that I did

[1:08:44] not have to take my son to go in the theaters.

[1:08:46] And that he would never see it.

[1:08:48] And never ask me to see it with him.

[1:08:50] I was like, you know what?

[1:08:52] I dodged a big bullet here.

[1:08:54] A Mario Brothers sized bullet.

[1:08:56] Those really big ones.

[1:08:58] But it is a piece of garbage.

[1:09:00] It's a terrible movie.

[1:09:02] Next time I'll be angrier, I promise.

[1:09:05] I have an actual question for all the floppers and Elliot.

[1:09:08] Was there ever a movie you saw that you were really excited to hear?

[1:09:13] Like if you had a critic that you really liked or just a friend whose opinion you really respected.

[1:09:17] And you were really excited to hear what they had to say about it.

[1:09:20] But it turned out to be the exact opposite or just straight up not what you were expecting.

[1:09:25] I mean, when I was a kid, I read, I was a weird kid.

[1:09:30] What a surprise.

[1:09:33] When I was a kid, I read a lot of Roger Ebert's reviews.

[1:09:36] Like I just would read his yearbooks cover to cover.

[1:09:39] And I found him to be a very fun writer on movies.

[1:09:43] But he had occasionally really, really baffling views on things.

[1:09:47] Like he hated Blue Velvet for one.

[1:09:50] But also like Raising Arizona.

[1:09:53] He gave like a one and a half star review to.

[1:09:56] There were gasps from the audience.

[1:10:00] Because it's fucking raising, Arizona. It's a great movie. It's so I mean like who knows how he was feeling that day

[1:10:05] You know I think it was Robert Warshaw who talks about like you have an immediate

[1:10:10] Experience of a movie and you can't always control that and it's something that has to be visceral you know right

[1:10:15] But like it's so maybe there's not feeling all that down, but I if I recall his review

[1:10:20] well enough like

[1:10:22] It's one of those cases where he has an objection that you're like

[1:10:25] How is that you're like he said something like oh, I'm willing to believe in this modern day

[1:10:31] There are people who have interesting and flamboyant

[1:10:35] ways of speaking but

[1:10:38] Every one in raising Arizona talks in such a mannered way like I cannot believe

[1:10:43] That's part of what's wonderful about that movie. Well. I could see how so I mean. I don't know why I'm defending him

[1:10:49] I love raising Arizona

[1:10:49] I think he's wrong, but I could see how in a world where the Coen brothers are not yet the Coen brothers

[1:10:54] Right you don't go into the movie knowing they're all gonna talk in a highfalutin manner that you could get tired of it the same

[1:11:00] Way that like before it was like before Quentin Tarantino was Quentin Tarantino

[1:11:03] It was like the long speeches about stuff. That's not related to the movie, and it's like that's what he does everybody like that

[1:11:11] Now you go in and you know it's gonna happen. I know Stu. What do you think yeah?

[1:11:14] Was it when was it when Stuart Gordon said that the caster freak didn't rip his own ding dong?

[1:11:19] Mean that I mean

[1:11:21] Don't know why you bring that up

[1:11:25] I uh I remember I think one of my favorite experiences with a movie review was

[1:11:31] when Birdman had come out and there was a lot of like buzz about

[1:11:36] Like how it was you know possible Oscar buzz and it I remember

[1:11:40] Going over the dissolve while it was still around and pulling up Scott Tobias's review

[1:11:45] And I'm like I can't wait to see what he says and the first line of the review is

[1:11:49] Alejandro Gonzalez in your redo is a pretentious fraud

[1:11:53] And I was like what

[1:11:56] Like I put down my phone like it might burn my hand

[1:12:02] Yeah, I don't know if we totally answered your question, but thank you for being here

[1:12:12] We're united in dislike of a bad movie

[1:12:16] Move over to the other part of let's go to the other mic

[1:12:20] Thank you the question from Rob Schubert first time long time

[1:12:24] So Stuart has expressed appreciation for ravishing Rick Roods airbrushed tights in the past sure yeah

[1:12:30] But he did one of the best one of the best heels of wrestling. Yes, absolutely yes

[1:12:35] But he didn't always airbrush hot ladies on to them

[1:12:37] Uh-huh sometimes he would airbrush his rival and what he was going to take from them like the Intercontinental Championship

[1:12:44] So if the floppers were to airbrush some tights yeah to intimidate a rival

[1:12:50] Who would it be and what would you take from them?

[1:12:55] Well we know you would take in Iran who's to two year in a row Best Director Academy Awards sir

[1:13:04] Boy so Dan who's your archenemy aging

[1:13:10] It's all our enemy

[1:13:14] Yodas

[1:13:16] Yes, when I take my shirt off. I look in the mirror aging is definitely

[1:13:24] I don't have any enemies. I love everybody

[1:13:26] That's not true. I'm filled with hate

[1:13:29] It's hard for me to narrow it down to just one thing I can airbrush on two tights. I guess

[1:13:36] I guess I got an airbrush John Wilkes Booth

[1:13:41] I

[1:13:43] Can because I'm coming for him because he's the greatest monster in American history that can't be true well no well

[1:13:52] No, I guess well. It's so I mean there's so many monsters. Yeah, and not the fun kind of monsters

[1:14:03] What I'm looking at you we already talked about how I was going to take in your readers to Academy Awards

[1:14:09] I mean or I could take I'm all right. That's fine. Whatever. I

[1:14:13] Take John Hodgman's like memory putty

[1:14:17] I'm standing here on stage trying to think of is there an enemy of butts

[1:14:24] I'm not sure there is like like Levi Strauss

[1:14:28] We're like

[1:14:32] Sure why not that all right

[1:14:35] Thank you for the question you stumped us now. This is a new game called stuff the floppers. You just want it over here yes

[1:14:43] quick question here

[1:14:45] so I

[1:14:48] Have a question some movies have a poor or just straight-up awful intro or 50 minutes

[1:14:54] But have a totally great movie that redeems itself

[1:14:59] What is a film that starts out poor that you like that totally redeems itself later on

[1:15:05] That's a good question because usually the endings where our movies fall apart

[1:15:11] I'm sure there's movies that have like yeah, they have like unnecessary prologues or bad prologues. Oh

[1:15:18] Yeah, I got one

[1:15:20] John Carter the John Carter movie. Oh, yeah, that's a very good point it opens on Mars for some crazy reason

[1:15:25] It should open on Earth and the rest of the movies great. I like it

[1:15:30] The fact that that movie has like three openings basically yeah, it's like so many nested narrative sequences. It doesn't make any sense yeah

[1:15:38] I'm gonna take that answer too. Okay cool Wow

[1:15:50] There's room on this baby for three men

[1:15:55] Supposed here, there's a baker. There's a candlestick maker on that already. I can't

[1:16:00] Know like the only thing that's coming to mind right now is

[1:16:05] You know I'm I don't know when this happened because like I'm a fan of comics, but I'm not necessarily like a huge

[1:16:14] Superhero comics fan growing up, but I love but I but over the years because

[1:16:19] Marvel has been so insidiously good and making me care about the characters

[1:16:25] They've introduced like I became a very big fan of all those Marvel movies in a way that like

[1:16:30] Kind of somewhere deep in my heart as like a film bottom like you

[1:16:33] you shouldn't like these as much as you do, but like I really do like them very much and so I

[1:16:40] Went with my girlfriend to

[1:16:42] Captain Marvel and

[1:16:45] Remembering her rank

[1:16:47] Corporal Marvel

[1:16:53] But she like is not like MCU person she's seen like three or four of them

[1:16:58] We live in a world where you're not considered a big fan of a series if you've only seen three or four of them

[1:17:04] I've only spent eight to ten hours with these movies. I'm not a big fan

[1:17:08] That's crazy the point is just that like I watched Captain Marvel

[1:17:12] A lot of fun, but the movie does start with a lot of outer space bullshit

[1:17:18] Uh-huh, and I was sitting next to someone who's not necessarily like primed for outer space bullshit in the way that I'm like

[1:17:25] I'm space bullshit. That's fine

[1:17:26] I'm like am I gonna have to apologize that I made her sit through all this outer space bullshit before we get to the fun

[1:17:32] Part, but like thankfully like you didn't make the movie

[1:17:36] True but you reminded me of I would say the movie itself doesn't totally redeem itself

[1:17:40] But the movie Dune has some good stuff in it

[1:17:43] But to get to it first you have to slog through that opening narration where it's like

[1:17:47] Why are you telling me about the robot rebellion like the book Dune doesn't have anything about like I don't care

[1:17:53] How it got to here like it's there's warring houses that want this planet full of spice. That's all we need to know

[1:17:59] I don't need to know about everything that happened between now and then that's nuts enough

[1:18:04] Anyway, Dune you've been served

[1:18:07] To get the fuck out of here. Yeah, take your shine box and go home, dude. I

[1:18:13] Guess that's the reverse order. He's supposed to go home and get his shine box

[1:18:16] But anyway over there for the purposes of shining you guys showed up in my life when I really need you and I

[1:18:24] Really appreciate that. Thank you. I know I'm sorry for laughing. I just imagine it says like sort of touched by an angel

[1:18:30] So

[1:18:33] Which Marvel movies actually lived up to the hype for you Oh

[1:18:39] I'm kind of I'm such a easy audience for that stuff. I used to read a lot of superhero comics

[1:18:44] I don't so I kind of like all of them

[1:18:46] But I don't know like I never I never read a lot of Captain America comics

[1:18:51] But those are seem to be the movies. I like the best so I'll say those I like those

[1:18:55] I mean, I don't know if I

[1:18:58] Don't know if as a nerd I really enjoy ranking Marvel movies

[1:19:05] But I

[1:19:07] Mean, I like the first Guardians of the Galaxy. I like winter soldier

[1:19:11] I like spider-man homecoming very much. I think those are my pretty safe answers. Yeah, I don't

[1:19:17] Okay, I'm in the dark world

[1:19:19] I'm gonna go

[1:19:25] Burn on a wire over here

[1:19:28] Yeah, I mean they the I thought endgame lived up to everything

[1:19:31] I wanted it to be pretty much and that one had the most pressure on it for me because it's like well

[1:19:37] I've spent over 10 years. I think with these characters and in my comic book reading life

[1:19:43] I've spent 30 years with these characters. So like

[1:19:47] Can I spoil things about the movie or is it still too too early? No. Okay. I won't say anything about this movie

[1:19:51] It's out of the theaters. I think

[1:19:54] There's no possible way that movies out of it. Okay, that's true. This is something and I've talked about this before I think

[1:20:00] on either our podcast or other podcasts,

[1:20:01] it really inspires me that America was divided

[1:20:04] and it's become united around the concept of no spoilers.

[1:20:07] I feel like not since that dark day 18 years ago

[1:20:12] has America felt such a unified sense of purpose

[1:20:14] than that we must not spoil these science fiction

[1:20:16] and fantasy related products.

[1:20:18] But it was like this thing better happen in the movie

[1:20:21] and then it did.

[1:20:22] So that one I was like ready to be disappointed

[1:20:26] and yet I walked out singing as happy a tune I can

[1:20:29] after what happened to some of those characters.

[1:20:32] Names not mentioned.

[1:20:34] Names redacted.

[1:20:36] Hi, so when I was a kid, the scary hallucinations

[1:20:40] from young Sherlock Holmes really scared me.

[1:20:43] But rewatching the movie as an adult,

[1:20:45] not scary at all, very goofy.

[1:20:47] Congratulations.

[1:20:50] So my question is, are there any movies

[1:20:52] that really scared you as a kid and as an adult,

[1:20:54] not so scary, but those movies

[1:20:57] and what about the movie scared you?

[1:20:58] Oh, Pee-wee's Big Adventure.

[1:21:01] The whole large marge scene.

[1:21:03] I had to cover my eyes when I knew she was gonna

[1:21:05] turn her head and her eyes were gonna bug out

[1:21:07] and that ghost that drives a taxi cab in Ghostbusters.

[1:21:10] It was like a rotted head.

[1:21:11] Yeah, that's pretty gross.

[1:21:12] I couldn't look at those.

[1:21:13] And now I can watch it.

[1:21:14] And now large marge, I'm like oh, this is ridiculously goofy.

[1:21:16] Like it's just stop motion animation, you know.

[1:21:19] But then you got something like Fool's Fire

[1:21:20] that Julie Taymor made and that still frightens me.

[1:21:24] And it's like, it's all puppets except for two people

[1:21:29] and it's like a retelling of Hopperog

[1:21:31] and it's like, there's still something so creepy

[1:21:33] about that one, you know, just creepy puppets.

[1:21:36] I'm gonna do the thing that politicians do

[1:21:38] and answer a wider question that you didn't ask

[1:21:42] because I can't think of a movie,

[1:21:43] but I do remember very distinctly

[1:21:46] that I have two older brothers

[1:21:48] and older brothers love to continue talking about things

[1:21:51] long after they realize that they're terrifying you.

[1:21:55] And there was one night when I was small

[1:21:58] when my brother put on Talking Head 77

[1:22:02] which contains Psycho Killer on it

[1:22:04] and I was listening to this song.

[1:22:05] A scary song.

[1:22:06] I was listening to this song titled Psycho Killer

[1:22:09] and he was explaining the plot to my other brother

[1:22:12] of Carrie in Death, Tales from the Crypt,

[1:22:17] EC Comics story about a, it's a convict

[1:22:23] who has another dead convict on, like handcuffed to him.

[1:22:27] He's going through the desert

[1:22:28] and at the end he's being pecked at by vultures

[1:22:31] and the surprise reveal is that he was already dead

[1:22:35] at that point and.

[1:22:36] A startling take on the end of Frank Norris' novel, McTee.

[1:22:41] But the point is like.

[1:22:42] No fans of naturalist literature around here, I guess.

[1:22:45] The point is like.

[1:22:46] Don't make any jokes about the octopus,

[1:22:47] Frank Norris' other masterpiece, all right.

[1:22:49] Is that about a killer octopus?

[1:22:51] It is not.

[1:22:52] It is about a fight between a railroad line

[1:22:54] and grain farmers.

[1:22:56] Okay.

[1:22:57] It's great though.

[1:22:59] Point is, here's a song, a new wave song

[1:23:01] by a band that would turn out to be my favorite band

[1:23:03] as I grow older and a Tales from the Crypt story

[1:23:07] which are inherently silly.

[1:23:09] As you grow older you realize,

[1:23:10] oh these are just goofy things

[1:23:11] and I was so scared by the confluence of these two events

[1:23:17] and to the degree that I think my brother's

[1:23:20] got in trouble when my parents came home.

[1:23:22] Wow, you narked on him?

[1:23:25] Or were you like catatonic at that point?

[1:23:28] Yeah, I was like.

[1:23:29] Cool, well I'm gonna answer the actual question.

[1:23:33] I'll just.

[1:23:39] Dan is crawling under the table.

[1:23:42] I assume to suck his thumb and rock back and forth.

[1:23:46] The movie I remember, I remember seeing

[1:23:48] Return of the Living Dead part two at a sleepover

[1:23:51] and I was terrified of zombies for weeks.

[1:23:54] I would like, when I was in bed I would like

[1:23:57] wrap myself up in the covers in a ball

[1:23:59] so no zombies would see my body parts

[1:24:02] so they would devour them.

[1:24:03] Oh, there's no brain inside those sheets.

[1:24:06] And like watching it as an adult I'm like,

[1:24:08] oh this is just a comedy.

[1:24:10] This is a comedy that just happens to have zombies in it.

[1:24:12] So yeah, Return of the Living Dead part two, watch it.

[1:24:15] Thank you for the question.

[1:24:17] Good question, good question.

[1:24:18] Hey Peaches, so the way that.

[1:24:24] Sure.

[1:24:24] Yeah, I know.

[1:24:25] You said it.

[1:24:26] You said it buddy, we've all been there, look.

[1:24:29] So if you had to take a movie that's been flopped

[1:24:33] and turn it into a cinematic universe,

[1:24:35] preferably one that wasn't already attempted

[1:24:37] like say, the Tom Cruise Mummy, what would it be?

[1:24:40] The Dark Universe.

[1:24:41] Well, there was a certain Timothy Cooke

[1:24:44] and a certain Timothy Green

[1:24:46] who had a little bit of an odd life.

[1:24:48] And I wonder, what other strange and mysterious creatures

[1:24:52] exist in a world where leaves can grow on a boy's legs?

[1:24:59] And maybe he fights a Babadook, I don't know.

[1:25:04] Yeah, I mean, we've already seen what happens

[1:25:07] when fairies and leprechauns have children.

[1:25:11] That creates dweegons as we all know

[1:25:14] from the hit movie, Dweegons and Leprechauns.

[1:25:18] What other mythical creatures could have sex

[1:25:22] and have weird monster babies?

[1:25:26] I don't know.

[1:25:27] Wait, we're talking about flop house movies specifically?

[1:25:29] I forgot what the bit was.

[1:25:30] Yeah, yeah, you're building a.

[1:25:31] Oh, you're right Dan, that was 40 seconds ago.

[1:25:33] You're building a cinematic universe around movies

[1:25:36] that we have talked about on the flop house.

[1:25:39] Okay.

[1:25:39] Or that we've reviewed specifically,

[1:25:40] not we've talked about,

[1:25:41] because that'd be like, stop making sense all the time.

[1:25:48] Let's say stolen and move on.

[1:25:51] Wow, all right, okay.

[1:25:52] I mean, that's a good one.

[1:25:53] Yes sir.

[1:25:55] Hi Ryan, last name with help.

[1:25:58] You guys make a lot of references to the Muppets

[1:26:00] and I wonder, are there other classic stories

[1:26:03] that you would like to see the Muppets take on?

[1:26:06] Like, let's say, the Muppets Odyssey.

[1:26:09] Oh, I mean, it's not too different from that.

[1:26:12] I am surprised there hasn't been

[1:26:13] like a Muppets Alice in Wonderland

[1:26:14] and that could be pretty fun also

[1:26:16] because it opens it up to just having

[1:26:17] act after act after act,

[1:26:19] because Alice in Wonderland has no plot

[1:26:21] other than Alice is like meeting a bunch of animals

[1:26:23] that are rude to her at different points.

[1:26:26] So I don't know.

[1:26:27] I mean, I think the Odyssey's a great choice.

[1:26:29] Yeah, or like Muppets Bonfire of the Vanities.

[1:26:32] Is that an option?

[1:26:34] I would certainly prefer to see a movie where,

[1:26:38] let's say, Cormorant is Sherlock Holmes

[1:26:40] and Fozzie is Watson.

[1:26:42] It's so perfect.

[1:26:43] Why haven't they done that yet?

[1:26:45] Yeah, and what we just watched.

[1:26:46] And Miss Piggy is, what's her name?

[1:26:48] Irene Adler.

[1:26:49] Irene Adler.

[1:26:50] And like, and Stanley Waldorf are like twin Moriarty's.

[1:26:55] And Lestrade is like.

[1:26:58] Gonzo Scooter, I don't know.

[1:26:59] I would say Sandy Eagle,

[1:27:00] because he's always like, oh, those guys.

[1:27:02] Oh, a couple of weirdos.

[1:27:04] Oh, that's so perfect.

[1:27:05] Why haven't they done that?

[1:27:06] Dan, you got to go make that now.

[1:27:09] Like, you have to come back.

[1:27:10] All right, I know what I have to do with my life.

[1:27:13] Fare thee well, everyone.

[1:27:14] You got to pitch that to the Henson Company.

[1:27:17] Okay, well, no.

[1:27:19] He just walked out, okay.

[1:27:22] We never saw him again.

[1:27:25] Now that he's, eventually we find him

[1:27:27] and he's just like a homeless man under a bridge

[1:27:29] with, he's made Muppets out of like discarded rags.

[1:27:32] I did it, I did it, Elliot.

[1:27:35] I did what you told me.

[1:27:37] Am I a good boy now?

[1:27:39] Do I get all the butts now?

[1:27:40] Damn, Dan.

[1:27:42] And the sad irony at that point would be,

[1:27:44] he wasn't a good boy.

[1:27:48] Hey, he's back, everybody.

[1:27:49] Don't tell him we were talking about him.

[1:27:52] Stuart, what about you?

[1:27:53] Hey, here's a fun fact about this theater.

[1:27:55] All the other stage doors are locked.

[1:27:59] Are you gonna go around?

[1:28:01] In case anyone, yeah, you know, do a little bit.

[1:28:04] Oh, okay, yeah.

[1:28:06] Well, like go down and do some crowd work

[1:28:09] and like climb in there like Nick Cave,

[1:28:11] like a mad preacher.

[1:28:13] Walking on chairs like Roberto Benigni.

[1:28:18] Wait, where are we in this bit?

[1:28:19] So, Stuart, do you have a Muppet story?

[1:28:20] Should we just go to the next question?

[1:28:22] No, I don't even like the Muppets.

[1:28:28] Hi, my name is Vince, last name Redacted.

[1:28:31] Okay.

[1:28:32] Oh, wow, security reasons.

[1:28:33] Okay.

[1:28:35] So, me and my friends host a local bad movie

[1:28:39] and cult movie night.

[1:28:41] Thank you for the service.

[1:28:42] We're lawyers.

[1:28:45] My question for you is,

[1:28:46] have you ever had a movie be so bad

[1:28:49] or so unwatchable that you decided

[1:28:52] just to can it for like, for the night or the?

[1:28:56] I mean, we've never watched,

[1:28:57] like we would not go through that pain

[1:28:59] and not do an episode.

[1:29:00] We have had movies where the technology

[1:29:03] seemed to have rejected the film.

[1:29:04] Yeah.

[1:29:05] Yeah, they forgot.

[1:29:07] 10,000 BC.

[1:29:09] Babylon AD.

[1:29:10] 10,000 BC, I thought we released.

[1:29:13] Yeah, we did.

[1:29:14] It was Babylon AD.

[1:29:14] Babylon AD was the one where the computer,

[1:29:17] had its tennis shoes fell off, I guess.

[1:29:18] It broke down.

[1:29:20] And what, Beastly?

[1:29:22] We recorded half of it.

[1:29:23] Beastly.

[1:29:24] And then a local pirate radio station

[1:29:28] snuck into the feed.

[1:29:29] But yeah, there's never been one

[1:29:30] where we've been like, no, we won't even talk about it.

[1:29:33] Let's forget this ever happened.

[1:29:34] If I see you guys on the street corner,

[1:29:35] let's pretend we don't know each other.

[1:29:38] There have definitely been times like,

[1:29:39] Dan will show bad movies at his apartment sometimes,

[1:29:42] and there have been times when you've been like,

[1:29:43] this movie's not going over so well.

[1:29:45] I misjudged the audience.

[1:29:48] Well, because you host a bad movie.

[1:29:51] Oh, please get into it.

[1:29:52] It's a bad movie horror night.

[1:29:54] I know once you showed, what, Braindead?

[1:29:56] Braindamage.

[1:29:57] Braindamage, thank you.

[1:29:58] Braindead is the Peter Jackson one.

[1:30:00] great and brain damage has I don't know some like questionable scenes about what

[1:30:05] like a woman about prostitute gives a blowjob to a parasite worm all right

[1:30:12] which then kills her and so for whatever reason this unsuspecting audience that

[1:30:17] you had tricked into coming to your home it was not into it it wasn't a great

[1:30:22] fundraiser for a preschool in retrospect that's an obvious call but at the moment

[1:30:29] with the intelligence we had at the time yeah you made the right decision I hope

[1:30:35] that the public embarrassment of me answers your question yeah looks like we

[1:30:40] got two questions left one over here and one over here so thank you I'm a regular

[1:30:46] Sherlock Holmes if you will my first name is Fiona last name redacted I have

[1:30:53] a question about if you were to host last last year sorry go on the last

[1:31:03] drive-in yeah huh the Joe Bob Briggs thing what would be your two movies and

[1:31:08] what would be your persona this is a this is a challenging question what

[1:31:18] would my two movies be I mean I feel like I would have to pick at least one

[1:31:23] Stewart Gordon movie I would probably pick I don't know like stuck or King of

[1:31:29] the Ants something that you don't see a lot of but other than that have to be

[1:31:35] something else that's gross can you think of a gross movie story like a

[1:31:44] gross movie huh gross movie something that might make me wanna but wait

[1:31:49] clarify yeah so I would say I'm leading the witness man I'll do I'll do stuck

[1:32:02] the movie where the homeless man gets hit by a car and he gets stuck in a

[1:32:05] windshield that's pretty horrible and I'll do a movie about cannibalistic

[1:32:14] humanoid underground dwellers that is bad thank you as you may remember that

[1:32:20] Joe Bob Briggs said to us he does not care for I'll have to think about my

[1:32:25] persona though oh yeah so yeah there's episode one of last right well who do

[1:32:30] what would your persona be I'm gonna have to think about that okay well I

[1:32:34] would obviously obviously be America's Wizkid I'm a kid who made a lot of

[1:32:39] money on game shows and it drove me insane and I probably show in the mouth

[1:32:45] of madness not the best John Carpenter movie but my personal favorite the best

[1:32:51] being the thing everybody knows that come on it's the other perfect movie

[1:32:54] next alien and the other one would have to be the scariest movie ever made

[1:32:59] persona the Ingmar Bergman story of two women whose personalities begin to merge

[1:33:05] and it's super scary obviously my persona would be a really happy guy who

[1:33:15] everyone loves yeah and just like brings joy wherever and like never gets made

[1:33:21] fun of we're working through some shit here tonight it's like I'm getting a

[1:33:30] classic like party guy that people like really excited when he shows up at all

[1:33:34] the party's gonna start dance here you know like this is you talking to your

[1:33:37] stuffed animals at home telling them how the day went and I would show return of

[1:33:44] the living dead which is maybe my favorite horror comedy and what was the

[1:33:48] other one I thought of that has gone out of my brain it is Prince of Darkness

[1:33:53] the John Carpenter movie which I think is under seen he does a lot of neat

[1:34:00] stuff with video formats in that yeah uh-huh and I've decided my my persona

[1:34:07] would be like if you had an alien crime boss right follow me and that alien

[1:34:13] crime boss instead of being made out of I don't know say normal flesh like an

[1:34:17] alien would instead be made out of a giant mound of pizza now what would be a

[1:34:25] name for a type of character like that difficult difficult would want pizza in

[1:34:30] the name of course because that's what my body is but how to finish the name

[1:34:35] what's the perfect word to come out or two words perhaps come after I mean I

[1:34:42] would be a title of course that would describe what my body shape appears to

[1:34:47] maybe it was like a peek roofed home okay some kind of Kwanzaa Kwanzaa yeah I

[1:34:56] still I'm still working through sir please rescue us that's why he's called

[1:35:02] that is because it's what his body is shaped like the last question of the

[1:35:08] evening please that's a really tough question to follow up but I'll do my

[1:35:11] best which two movies share a cinematic universe by having the same actor like

[1:35:18] do you think maybe Tony Stark was inspired to create Jarvis after

[1:35:22] witnessing the events in Weird Science probably I mean that says that's a

[1:35:27] plausible explanation I mean I mean the one that comes to mind most readily is

[1:35:32] that the character Bodhi and Point Break was very clearly in a younger time in

[1:35:39] his life Dalton from Roadhouse oh because I thought any younger time in

[1:35:44] his life he was the instructor the dance instructor in the Catskills even younger

[1:35:49] he was a he was Johnny the sexy instructor I mean in a real sense

[1:35:55] trading trading places and coming to America exist in the same universe

[1:35:59] because Don Amici and Ralph Bellamy literally play the same characters in

[1:36:03] both movies one of those movies I love it have since I was a kid the other

[1:36:07] movie don't care for Wow well always leave them guess which is which let me

[1:36:14] let me tell you I don't like the one where a man is raped by a gorilla not a

[1:36:19] fan of that but not something that should happen to anybody regardless of

[1:36:24] whether they swindle some money away from somebody Wow

[1:36:27] Elliot's willing to lose friends over this not a funny thing according to me

[1:36:32] and I'll jump backwards I have this I have this crazy crazy fan theory you

[1:36:37] know stay with me here that the that the banjo playing frog in the Muppet

[1:36:45] movie yep is also the journalist and the great Muppet caper but it can't be

[1:36:52] the case because the journalist in the great Muppet caper has a twin identical

[1:36:55] brother a bear whereas in the Muppet movie he oh my god hold on a second wait

[1:37:02] a minute wait a minute all right we've wasted your time with our shenanigans

[1:37:06] much like Clemson Watson look look yeah well you seem like you're on I'm one of

[1:37:16] those toys that's been wound up and has run down we need to put a string there

[1:37:19] there's some merchandise that we're selling we'll be out there next to it if

[1:37:25] you want to talk to us and then in this building I know that was pretty vague

[1:37:27] that we'll be out there next to it somewhere in the world merchandise exists

[1:37:33] find a store and hang out in it also some very wonderful local listeners have

[1:37:40] arranged a after-party at therapy monsters which is a bar that I am told

[1:37:46] is within a couple blocks from here and after we're done with our merchandise

[1:37:51] selling we will try and stop by yeah and I'll stop by try and stop by all right

[1:37:57] well look at you hedging your bets trying to create suspense I'm too tired

[1:38:02] from signing my widow famous oh I need to put them in a tiny bed that's what I

[1:38:13] call that's what I call my sleep gloves my hands tiny bed and that's how you

[1:38:20] night lotion without getting fucking lotion all over your blanket it's all

[1:38:25] tied up anyway that's tied up to something we were talking about in a

[1:38:29] conversation earlier today oh shit it was not mentioned on the podcast we're

[1:38:35] tying up loose ends from before you guys got here please thank you for being here

[1:38:42] for so long and for putting up with us thank you so much Portland for having us

[1:38:46] thank you to Revolution Hall I've been Dan McCoy I've been Stuart Wellington

[1:38:54] you know me America's Rascal Elliot Kalin

[1:39:16] you

[1:39:28] maximumfund.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported

Ep. #307 - Holmes & Watson, LIVE!

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