Ep. #307 - Holmes & Watson, LIVE!

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Holmes and Watson, live from Portland, Oregon!

[0:30] Hey everyone, welcome to the Flophouse, I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:45] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:46] Hey, over here, it's Elliot Kalin.

Elliott Kalan

[0:48] Hey Dan, where are we?

Dan McCoy

[0:50] We're in Portland, Oregon.

Elliott Kalan

[0:52] Oregon?

[0:53] Oregon?

Elliott Kalan

[0:53] Oregon?

[0:56] The people here pronounce it Oregon.

Dan McCoy

[0:59] We're the original peaches.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01] Yep, that's...

[1:03] I think I might have pulled a hamstring hearing you tell that.

[1:08] We've been having a fun old time here with the audience here, and now it's time for us to do a real show.

[1:14] A real live show.

[1:14] Now it's time to stop the fun.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15] What do you consider what we've done, warming them up?

Elliott Kalan

[1:18] I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[1:20] It's hard to tell.

[1:21] Grudging tolerance is what we're getting from the audience at this point.

[1:25] You guys are great, Dan's being an asshole.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[1:31] Just call them like they see them.

[1:32] So what do we do on this podcast, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:34] Like, Stuart, you know, you and I have known each other since college.

[1:38] You've known these people for, you know, like, what, an hour now?

Stuart Wellington

[1:42] I mean, it's been a long hour.

[1:44] We've done a lot of stuff.

[1:45] I showed them a lot of pictures of cats, including my own.

Elliott Kalan

[1:49] He took them into his confidence.

[1:51] Or cat-fidence?

Dan McCoy

[1:52] No, no, no.

[1:54] He really...

[1:55] You got mad at me for the original peaches, and this is what you come back with?

[1:59] I had to pull my hamstring back into place.

[2:01] So when are we going to start the stuff that we actually record?

[2:04] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[2:05] So, Dan, what do we do on this podcast?

[2:07] This is a podcast.

[2:07] For anyone who's the new listener who decided this was the time to jump in.

Dan McCoy

[2:11] You really should have done it when Entertainment Weekly recommended us.

[2:14] Not now that we've been forgotten by the press.

Elliott Kalan

[2:17] Oh, terrible.

[2:17] You've forgotten by the press.

[2:19] Yeah.

[2:19] Oh, I can't get arrested in this town.

[2:22] Because drugs are legal.

Dan McCoy

[2:25] We watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it.

[2:28] And today, in my hotel room, we watched Holmes and Watson.

Stuart Wellington

[2:34] Dan and Stuart sharing a bed.

[2:37] Elliot on an uncomfortable chair.

Elliott Kalan

[2:39] An uncomfortable chair I had been informed of ahead of time I might not want to sit on

[2:43] because it had been ruthlessly farted on by someone at a previous time.

[2:47] Their names shall go unnamed.

[2:50] They can use their imagination.

[2:52] Now, Dan, this movie, to put it mildly, this is a Sherlock Holmes comedy.

[2:57] Now, I'm interested in, you have a special relationship with the great detective.

[3:03] Please tell us a little bit about your history with Monsieur Holmes, who is French.

[3:06] That's why I call him that.

Dan McCoy

[3:08] Sherlock Holmes, one of my great personal childhood heroes.

[3:13] Along with Robin Hood, for some reason.

[3:15] Scrooge McDuck.

[3:16] I think it's because...

[3:17] And Harry Houdini.

Stuart Wellington

[3:18] I think it was because Robin Hood was a sexy fox.

Dan McCoy

[3:22] Yes, yes.

[3:23] Well, I mean, all the foxes in that were sexy.

[3:26] That's why they're called Foxes.

[3:29] That's why they named a lettuce after it.

Elliott Kalan

[3:32] Foxy brand lettuce.

[3:33] Available in your grocer's lettuce aisle.

[3:35] But, yeah, no, I...

[3:36] So, wait.

[3:37] So, I think it's just interesting, because when I was a kid, I was a fan of a particular detective.

[3:43] His name was Brown.

[3:45] Encyclopedia Brown.

[3:46] And he was a detective from my generation.

[3:49] Yeah.

[3:50] Well, I mean, here's the thing, Elliot.

Dan McCoy

[3:51] Like, in real life, very few mysteries are solved by knowing where penguins live.

Elliott Kalan

[4:00] I'll tell you one day he did that.

[4:02] His name was Brown.

[4:03] Harry Brown.

[4:05] Starring Michael Caine.

Stuart Wellington

[4:07] So, yeah, no, I just, you know, I'm a Sherlockian, I would say.

[4:11] Is that what they call them?

Dan McCoy

[4:13] Yeah, we're a bunch of nerds.

[4:14] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[4:15] And did you, when you were in London, would you ever go try to find his apartment?

Dan McCoy

[4:20] I mean, well, there's a quote-unquote museum there, which is, they have put an apartment

[4:26] there that is a recreation of what his apartment would be if he was a person and not a fictional

[4:31] character.

[4:32] And so, you can walk into a room with, you know, like, tobacco in the toe of a Persian

[4:36] slipper and the fake gunshot wound, uh, wounds in the wall.

[4:40] You don't call them wounds usually.

[4:42] You do if you're a building.

[4:44] And, uh, in, uh, VR for Victoria Regina.

[4:48] Like, things from the Sherlock Holmes stories.

Elliott Kalan

[4:50] And did they have any stuff from the movie Holmes and Watson?

[4:53] They do not, I think.

[4:54] Because throughout the film, I continue to ask Dan, Dan, what story is this from?

[4:59] Long after that joke stopped being funny.

[5:01] Oh, and it won't be funny tonight, but I'm still going to say it.

[5:04] Uh, so, Dan, when I suggested we do Holmes and Watson, did you feel a little bit like,

[5:10] what, anger, rage, or was there a little bit of, a little aroused and intrigued?

[5:14] I think maybe, maybe Will Ferrell and, and, uh, John C. Reilly cracked it.

[5:18] Maybe they finally got Sherlock Holmes.

Dan McCoy

[5:20] I, I think it's more of the latter.

[5:22] I think it's one of those things where you love a thing so much that you'll see any shitty

[5:27] thing that involves it, even if you know it's going to make you angry.

[5:30] Hey, I went to Spider-Man the Musical.

[5:32] Yeah, you know, you know it's going to make you feel something.

[5:35] Okay.

[5:37] It's got very sad at the end.

[5:39] Look, I mean, for a guy like me who, you know, needs to take a speedball of cocaine and

[5:44] heroin just to get to zero at this point.

[5:46] Yeah.

[5:47] Yeah.

[5:47] Like, Holmes and Watson is, uh.

Stuart Wellington

[5:49] It seems weird that you got so excited about that joint that you found.

[5:52] Right.

Dan McCoy

[5:54] Thank you for referencing something that's not on the show.

[5:57] I mean, you can edit, uh, I guess not.

Elliott Kalan

[5:59] I think the audience at home can imagine what that story is.

[6:04] There's no new details.

[6:05] Yeah, I don't have to.

Dan McCoy

[6:06] It'll certainly be more exciting than the regular story.

Stuart Wellington

[6:09] I don't have to explain everything.

[6:10] Like, it's not like I have to say, like, Dan's a human.

[6:12] He was born from another human.

[6:14] And, uh, the universe began, et cetera, et cetera.

[6:17] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[6:19] You're right.

[6:19] You don't need to explain any of that.

[6:20] Okay.

[6:21] Okay.

[6:22] Let's talk a little bit about a little movie I like to call Holmes and Watson.

Dan McCoy

[6:27] It's good that you like to call it that, because that is the name it was given.

Elliott Kalan

[6:30] Mm-hmm.

[6:30] So it's, we're in agreement, me and the movie.

[6:32] And that is where the agreement ends.

[6:34] Now, the movie begins with a quote I did not write down about logic being the key to everything.

[6:40] Oh, God.

[6:40] And then it reveals that that quote is, I guess, from an episode of Hannah Montana.

[6:44] And when Hannah Montana season whatever episode, whatever, comes up, there's a ding on the soundtrack

[6:49] just to make sure you got it, that you're looking at the words as they appear.

Stuart Wellington

[6:53] That's how you know this is not your daddy's Sherlock Holmes movie.

Elliott Kalan

[6:57] My daddy's Sherlock Holmes movie would, I guess, be The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes.

Dan McCoy

[7:02] Yeah, when was your daddy, uh, when was your daddy in The Private Life?

[7:05] Let's go with it.

[7:06] He would tell you he is now.

[7:07] Oh, okay.

[7:08] I've seen him, and that is incorrect.

Elliott Kalan

[7:10] Wow.

[7:12] I will not tell him you said that.

[7:14] Let's not make this the Father's Day release.

[7:19] Okay.

[7:19] We begin in the year 1867.

[7:22] Two years after the end of the American Civil War.

[7:25] Information that is irrelevant to the movie we're talking about now.

[7:28] And young Sherlock Holmes, not the young Sherlock Holmes from the movie, young Sherlock Holmes.

Dan McCoy

[7:32] Not Nicholas Rowe, not the Christopher Columbus movie.

[7:37] Young Sherlock Holmes.

Stuart Wellington

[7:39] The explorer?

[7:40] Christopher Columbus?

Dan McCoy

[7:41] Oh, Chris Columbus.

[7:42] God, you know.

[7:45] Gremlins.

[7:46] No, I do know.

[7:47] I'm just messing with you.

Elliott Kalan

[7:47] Wait, were there gremlins in young Sherlock Holmes?

[7:49] Let's move on.

[7:49] I remember that stained glass man, but anyway.

[7:52] So, Sherlock Holmes, a young boy, is the new kid at some boarding school.

[7:56] And his mom is like, you should have friends.

[7:57] You should be around other kids.

[7:59] He has a pet turtle.

[8:00] Immediately, the other kids attack him and throw his turtle through the air.

[8:04] And his turtle gets a little wheelchair like dogs get when their legs are hurt.

[8:09] He is instantly unpopular with the other kids.

[8:11] They're always mean to him.

[8:12] Meanest of all, they tell him that the girl he has a crush on wants to kiss him.

[8:15] They put a blindfold on him and then they make him kiss a donkey's anus.

Stuart Wellington

[8:19] I mean, I think he kisses near the anus.

Elliott Kalan

[8:22] I mean, we're splitting hairs.

Dan McCoy

[8:24] Who among us haven't had that happen to us?

[8:26] So, we can all sympathize.

Elliott Kalan

[8:27] I mean, I'll raise my hand right now.

[8:29] But all the kids are mean to him.

[8:31] So, he starts crying and they're like, eh-eh-eh.

[8:33] And he decides that moment, as a voiceover tells us, to banish all emotion from his body.

[8:37] And he sucks the tear back up into his eye.

Dan McCoy

[8:40] And I want to say, like, there are all these, like, Sherlock fan theories of, like, you know,

[8:45] people have written stories about why Sherlock Holmes, you know, is so emotionless.

[8:50] Why he denies love in his life.

Elliott Kalan

[8:53] Are there anywhere he's a robot from the future that fell back in time?

Dan McCoy

[8:57] I almost certainly, Elliot.

[8:59] Okay.

[8:59] The most put-into-stories character, perhaps, of all time.

Elliott Kalan

[9:03] Were there anywhere, like, he sold his emotions to a witch in exchange for a hat?

Dan McCoy

[9:08] Yeah.

[9:09] My point is merely this.

[9:11] They usually, you know, are more in the line of, like, I don't know, his dad killed his mom.

[9:16] Or some sort of, like, horrible childhood trauma.

[9:18] Here, this movie postulates that Sherlock Holmes becomes a thinking machine because some kids were mean to him.

[9:25] So.

Elliott Kalan

[9:26] And that he chooses to be a thinking machine.

[9:28] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[9:28] And he gets to that moment pretty quick.

[9:31] I mean, in Richard III, it takes a couple of scenes before he has that revelation.

[9:36] That's right.

[9:36] I'm not an idiot.

[9:39] I mean.

[9:40] I went to college with Stuart.

[9:41] Checks out.

Elliott Kalan

[9:42] Yeah, yeah.

[9:43] Just because he spent much of the pre-show showing people pictures of cats and going,

[9:46] Aww.

[9:47] Check out this cat.

[9:49] It should in no way make people believe that he does not have a cultured and sophisticated

[9:53] palate.

[9:55] Just because most of the time his reviews of movies either involve people ripping off their

[10:00] own ding-dongs or ninjas.

[10:02] Again.

[10:04] So, he vanishes all emotion and he immediately becomes a snitch and starts snitching out all

[10:08] the other kids until they're all expelled.

[10:10] He's the only kid at school and so he becomes a genius because all the teachers are focused

[10:13] on him.

[10:14] And he meets a young boy who's, I guess, the son of the, he deduces as the son of the janitor.

[10:19] And he says, we'll be friends.

[10:20] And the boy introduces himself as John Watson.

[10:25] No joke there.

[10:27] No twist.

[10:28] And like, it's just, that's how they met.

Dan McCoy

[10:30] And can I say, like, look.

[10:32] It would be a tremendous amount of wasted energy to look at a movie, a comedy movie, with Will

[10:39] Farrell and John C. Reilly and say, this is not true to Sherlock Holmes.

[10:45] The sheerest folly that would be.

[10:47] And yet I think you shall indulge in it.

[10:49] However, this is the one point of the movie that made me angry on that level because literally

[10:55] the beginning of A Study in Scarlet, the first Sherlock Holmes story is Watson meeting

[11:00] Holmes.

[11:00] We know how this happened, people.

[11:03] It was not in school.

[11:06] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[11:07] Yeah, we're through the looking glass.

[11:08] Yeah, I understand.

[11:09] Yeah.

[11:11] So they meet, he's what, assigned?

[11:12] Are they roommates?

[11:13] Or he's assigned to him as like an assistant?

Stuart Wellington

[11:16] They become friends and then immediately goes to the open friend house.

Elliott Kalan

[11:19] Is it like a Tinder thing?

[11:20] But how do they meet each other?

Dan McCoy

[11:22] We saw it.

[11:23] They shook hands.

[11:23] No, I mean in the story.

[11:25] Oh, in the story?

[11:26] Watson is back from Afghanistan where he has been serving as a military man.

[11:30] He needs lodging.

[11:32] He has a doctor friend who sets him up with Sherlock Holmes who's like, oh, he's a good

[11:38] guy, an odd fellow, but maybe you like him.

Elliott Kalan

[11:41] And then Sherlock Holmes is like open to the idea of a roommate because he seems like a

[11:44] guy who doesn't like other people.

Dan McCoy

[11:46] I mean, just because he's a weirdo doesn't mean he doesn't have financial problems.

Elliott Kalan

[11:52] I guess that's true.

[11:53] In fact, in many times, the weirdo and the financial problems go hand in hand.

[11:56] Yeah.

[11:57] Not every weirdo is a rich, famous person.

[12:00] All right.

[12:00] They become friends.

[12:01] Cut to the headline title sequence, which tells us through headlines in newspapers that

[12:06] they are now crime fighters and Moriarty is their archenemy and they've captured Moriarty.

[12:10] So as was relayed to me by another person who's watching the movie with us, it's interesting

[12:14] to see when a movie tells you all the plot through a montage of headlines and then has

[12:18] scene after scene of nothing.

[12:22] Moriarty is, of course, played by Ralph Fiennes and he's on trial.

[12:26] But the witnesses have all died.

[12:28] So as the judge says, if there's no witnesses, I have to let you go.

[12:31] And this, of course, upsets Inspector Lestrade, played here by Rob Brydon.

[12:35] And he sits through the trial and appears in many scenes next to a woman who wears brightly

[12:39] colored dresses, who receives no lines of dialogue, and we never find out who she is until the

[12:44] credits.

[12:44] List her as Lestrade's wife.

Stuart Wellington

[12:48] It's such a weird choice to dress somebody in very striking colors amongst a sea of bland

[12:53] colors and then not give them any lines to say.

Elliott Kalan

[12:56] No, everyone else is wearing brown, different shades of dank brown, as it's Victorian England.

[13:00] Everyone wears brown suits and stuff.

[13:02] Except this one woman in a bright blue dress.

[13:06] I'm so mad about it, I can't even speak.

[13:08] In a bright blue dress.

[13:09] And it just sticks out so much that she has nothing to do and nothing to say.

[13:14] And I kept being like, who's she?

[13:15] What's her story?

[13:16] What's that all about?

John Hodgman

[13:18] Well, I hope you stayed to the credits, because that's what you'll find out.

Elliott Kalan

[13:21] But everyone's expecting that Holmes at any moment will burst in and say, no, I have

[13:25] evidence that, I have the evidence that shows that Moriarty did it.

[13:29] And Holmes is late to the trial.

[13:31] Why is that, Dan?

[13:32] What is Holmes doing at home?

Dan McCoy

[13:33] He is in his corset.

[13:36] He is, or a, what do you call it, like a girdle.

[13:39] A girdle, yeah.

[13:40] Yeah, he's presented as a preening buffoon in many ways.

[13:45] And he is showing Watson how he's going to burst in.

[13:49] And he shows him an assortment of hats he might wear when he bursts in.

[13:53] And this introduces the problem of the movie, which is, if you make a Sherlock Holmes movie,

[13:58] and you want to make it a comedy, you've backed yourself into a corner.

[14:02] Because you cannot go the obvious route and make him stupid, necessarily.

[14:07] Because then none of it makes any sense.

Elliott Kalan

[14:10] But then he stops being Sherlock Holmes.

[14:12] He stops being Sherlock Holmes at that point.

[14:12] He's got a different movie called The Stupid Detective.

[14:14] Yes.

[14:15] Which, to be honest, is a pretty funny idea.

Stuart Wellington

[14:17] That kind of sounds like one of those black and white movies you would recommend.

Elliott Kalan

[14:20] Yeah, I would love it.

[14:21] Yeah, of course.

John Hodgman

[14:23] It's like Lee Tracy or somebody like that, and he's like a dumb detective.

Elliott Kalan

[14:26] Yes.

[14:27] Or actually, it sounds like a Bob Hope movie or a Joey Brown movie or something like that.

[14:30] He says derisively.

Dan McCoy

[14:32] But if you go the other direction and make him super smart, you're just making a regular Sherlock Holmes movie.

[14:38] So this movie takes a middle road.

Stuart Wellington

[14:39] Oh, it's like the Orville in Star Trek.

Dan McCoy

[14:43] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[14:44] This movie takes a middle road and makes...

Elliott Kalan

[14:46] Wait, wait, I want to hear Stuart's Orville in Star Trek.

Stuart Wellington

[14:49] We were talking about that earlier, how they basically are just making a Star Trek show with a couple of jokes.

[14:54] Right, right, right.

Elliott Kalan

[14:55] And they named it after America's favorite popcorn maker, Orville Redbacher.

[14:58] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[14:59] But this movie attempts to split the difference and make Sherlock Holmes a brilliant idiot, which makes no sense.

Elliott Kalan

[15:06] He is very great at deducing things, but he's also the kind of guy who will hit a glass case with a beehive in it with a cricket bat

[15:15] to kill a mosquito.

[15:17] And that's exactly what happens.

[15:18] A box is opened with a mosquito in it.

[15:21] And he goes, oh, Moriarty must have sent this to stop us.

[15:23] It probably has a disease, germ disease in it.

[15:25] We can't let it out.

[15:27] And that means he and John C. Reilly just end up hitting each other trying to kill the mosquito and knocking stuff over.

[15:32] And it's really a waste of time.

[15:35] There's no lack.

Dan McCoy

[15:37] If you're looking for a movie with a lot of shenanigans in it, do I have a movie for you?

[15:43] Oh, the parts per million of shenanigans are very high.

Elliott Kalan

[15:46] Yeah, but I'm surprised the government allowed them to release it.

[15:49] Because there's a certain level of shenanigans, parts per million, that you're allowed to have.

[15:54] Just like every thing of cream cheese you own has some insect parts in it.

[15:58] Look, it's okay.

[15:59] It won't kill you.

[16:00] It's kept below another.

[16:01] But this is like if you opened up a thing of cream cheese and it was like all insect legs.

[16:05] It was just all fly legs.

[16:07] Like that's what this movie is in terms of shenanigans.

[16:09] Anyway, they wreck their apartment.

[16:11] They do hurt, I guess, Mrs. Hudson, their housekeeper, who they treat very derisively.

Dan McCoy

[16:17] Who's played by Kelly MacDonald.

[16:18] This movie has so much talent in it.

Elliott Kalan

[16:20] It's gotten amazing.

[16:21] The cast for a great Sherlock Holmes comedy is embedded in this movie.

[16:24] And they are not making it.

[16:26] But we'll meet some of them later on.

[16:28] So anyway, it begins the movie's long thread of hurting women throughout the film.

[16:35] Holmes and Watson, they finally arrive and Holmes says, Moriarty is innocent because his fingerprints

[16:42] were all over the scene of the crime.

[16:44] But he's too smart to do that.

[16:45] So it must be someone trying to frame him.

[16:47] And this somehow turns into him talking about Moriarty being a masturbator or the person

[16:51] who left the fingerprints being a masturbator.

[16:52] The fake Moriarty used masturbator.

[16:54] And I'm like, it's one of those things where I must have missed the intricate chain of

[17:00] logic that led them to Holmes and Watson standing before a crowd of Victorian Brits trying to

[17:05] create a euphemism for masturbation that everyone will understand.

[17:08] And it's like, there's a number of scenes in this movie where you're like, oh, they said

[17:12] to Wilfred L. John C. Reilly, just stand up there and improv you coming up with different

[17:15] ways to describe masturbation.

[17:17] And then we'll show three of them.

[17:18] And there's 51 minutes of deleted scenes that come along with the movie.

[17:22] And I'm sure much of it is just more of this stuff.

Dan McCoy

[17:25] And that is not Elliot being hyperbolic.

[17:28] After we watched the movie, he's like, hey, do you want to watch the 51 minutes of deleted

[17:32] scenes?

[17:34] And we did because we're professionals.

[17:36] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[17:37] There being no evidence, the judge declares Moriarty innocent.

[17:41] Lestrade is furious.

[17:43] And as I said, we never learned the name of his companion.

[17:46] Holmes is totally happy about it.

[17:47] He's like, eh, Moriarty's just going to run off to America.

[17:50] And you know what?

[17:51] I miss the challenge of him.

[17:52] And he says, I'll dedicate my life to health.

[17:54] You know, if you eat raw onion, it increases your red blood cells.

[17:57] Cue Holmes and Watson just biting into onions like they're apples and talking to us about

[18:03] how they're biting into them just like apples for a while.

[18:06] Like for a long time, this thankfully ends when the queen calls them.

[18:13] And instantly Watson goes and he becomes an embarrassing super fan for the queen.

[18:17] It turns out it was all a surprise birthday party for Holmes, which is weird because Watson

[18:23] continues to be a super fan for the queen throughout.

[18:25] But like if he planned a birthday party with her, like that initial awkwardness should have

[18:29] been gotten over with at this point.

[18:31] Yeah, you're right.

[18:31] That's pretty silly.

[18:32] Yeah.

[18:32] Like that's like.

[18:34] I think you found the flaw in the movie.

[18:35] To plan a surprise birthday party with someone, it takes time.

[18:39] It takes a certain amount of casual communication.

[18:41] And at that point, it's like, you know what?

[18:42] We have a bond.

[18:43] We put together this event.

[18:44] We've worked together.

[18:46] Maybe we're friends.

[18:47] Maybe we're just people who like know each other a little more casually than we would

[18:49] have otherwise.

[18:50] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[18:50] It's like you've been through like two soldiers who've been through battle.

Dan McCoy

[18:54] I mean, hell, if the guy I watched Avengers Infinity War with, who I did not know,

[18:59] stood up and shook my hand after that movie.

[19:02] Wow.

[19:03] Because of the emotional rollercoaster we had been through, then these two probably are

[19:08] best pals.

[19:09] You would think so.

Elliott Kalan

[19:10] But no, they're not.

[19:11] So anyway, Holmes cuts into the cake.

[19:13] Did you get his number?

Dan McCoy

[19:15] I should have at least exchanged Twitter handles with that guy.

Stuart Wellington

[19:18] Yeah, I mean, if the only digits you got were the ones he shook your hand with.

[19:22] I don't know the rest of this joke.

Elliott Kalan

[19:25] It sounded really a map.

[19:26] It's like, what a lips are.

[19:27] Yeah, you fell in a dude.

Stuart Wellington

[19:29] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[19:29] It was like you were Jeff Foxworthy workshopping something.

[19:32] The only digits you got were the ones you shook hands with.

[19:35] You might be a...

[19:37] Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

[19:39] Well, let me move on to the next one.

[19:42] If you're drinking water, but you don't...

[19:46] Oh, forget it.

[19:47] Like, that's his day all day is just coming up with the first part.

[19:52] And it's like, Jeff, start with the observation and then just put it in the format of the joke.

[19:56] No, that's the easy way to do it.

[19:57] I like a challenge.

[19:59] That's not how my inspiration strikes me.

[20:01] And I'm like, you're the one who's worth a fox.

[20:03] So, you know, I don't know.

[20:05] As we've established earlier, the sexist, the cartoon animal.

[20:07] Worthy of a fox.

[20:08] Worthy of a fox.

[20:09] Worthy.

Dan McCoy

[20:09] The economic value is not that of a fox.

[20:12] But if you wanted to say marry a fox...

[20:15] Okay.

[20:16] The fox's parents would be like, you're worthy.

Elliott Kalan

[20:18] So you're like Thor's hammer, to bring it back to Avengers.

[20:21] Written on it is, only he who is worthy shall have this fox.

[20:25] Yes.

[20:25] And Jeff Fox is like, I'll take that.

[20:27] Okay, sure.

[20:28] But an average mere mortal...

[20:30] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[20:31] ...could not touch that fox.

[20:33] Okay.

[20:34] They dig into the cake and there's a dead body in it.

[20:36] And with a note that says, hey...

Dan McCoy

[20:37] It's a mark of how great Holmes and Watson is.

Elliott Kalan

[20:39] That we would rather talk about that.

[20:43] There's a dead body and it's the witness that should have been at Moriarty's trial with

[20:47] a note from Moriarty saying, ha ha, I'm still around.

[20:50] I'm going to kill the queen in three days.

[20:52] You'll never stop me.

[20:53] And Holmes is like, it's a frame-up.

[20:55] Moriarty would never be this crude.

[20:57] It's got to be someone else.

[20:58] Let's investigate that body.

[21:00] So they go to the morgue where, turns out, Holmes is kind of a tender tummy.

[21:04] And he throws up in a bucket a bunch of times.

[21:06] Yep.

[21:07] Case closed.

[21:08] Yep.

[21:09] You know, joke achieved, I suppose.

Stuart Wellington

[21:12] And here's where we meet two more important characters.

Elliott Kalan

[21:14] Two very important characters.

[21:15] We meet Dr. Grace, played by Rebecca Hall, a female doctor from America.

[21:19] And they just cannot believe that she is a doctor.

[21:22] Now, she's not American, right?

[21:24] Rebecca Hall?

[21:25] Yeah.

[21:26] I don't think so.

[21:27] Is she English?

[21:28] I thought she was.

[21:29] I think it's funny then that you have two American actors doing English accents and then

[21:34] an English actor doing an American accent.

[21:36] And you also have Lauren Lapkus playing a character who cannot speak doing the craziest faces.

[21:42] Yeah.

[21:42] She's playing a feral wild child.

[21:44] It's very funny because it's like, she's great.

[21:46] She's a fantastic performer and I'm a big fan of hers.

[21:48] I'm a big fan of Rebecca Hall's too.

[21:49] But you can tell that for everyone else in the movie who's a big star, this is a big

[21:53] Will Ferrell's in the back of the room crying right now.

[21:55] Sorry.

[21:55] Because you did not mention him.

[21:56] John C. Reilly's great.

[21:57] And I love Rob Brydon, as we all know.

[22:00] And other actors who come up later, also fantastic.

[22:03] The rest of the triumvirate that should be starring in the movie.

[22:06] That I'll come to later.

[22:07] But you can tell, everyone else has a paycheck.

[22:09] For Lauren Lapkus, it's like, this could be a big breakthrough.

[22:11] So she is mugging the hell out of it.

[22:13] Yeah.

[22:13] She makes the most of every shot she's in.

Dan McCoy

[22:16] I will retell the name dropping story I told earlier, which is like early in doing comedy,

[22:21] I was on a podcast with Lauren Lapkus where I was just playing myself as a comedy writer.

[22:28] And there was a host.

[22:29] And then she came in.

Elliott Kalan

[22:29] You think you weren't playing yourself as like a time traveler?

[22:33] Yourself as like a 17th century baron?

[22:35] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[22:36] But she came in doing a character.

[22:38] That was her job on the podcast.

[22:40] And very quickly I was like, I should not be on this podcast and perhaps not in comedy.

[22:46] Because she was so good at what she was doing.

Elliott Kalan

[22:48] So many people have said that to you.

Dan McCoy

[22:49] And yet you refuse to take the advice.

[22:52] And yet I persist.

[22:53] But Lauren Lapkus did like have someone as funny as her and be like, you know what?

[22:59] You're not going to talk during this movie.

[23:02] Seems like the most perverse thing.

[23:04] You're the funny face person in the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[23:05] Yeah.

[23:06] So they show up and despite the initial hesitation on Holmes and Watson's part to accept the idea

[23:12] of a woman doctor, they soon all start falling in love with Holmes and with Dr. Hall and Watson

[23:18] flirting over their autopsy of the body as they play Unchained Melody on a Victrola.

[23:24] It's a ghost reference, everybody.

[23:26] That's pretty timely.

[23:27] Very topical.

[23:28] I mean, at that point, I'd rather a reference to like a classic in quotes than a reference

[23:32] to like some movie that came.

[23:34] It's like how in, is it Knocked Up?

[23:36] Where they're like, well, yeah, we went to go see Spider-Man 3.

[23:39] And they talk about Spider-Man 3 for a whole scene.

[23:41] And I'm like, nothing dates this movie more than that you are talking about Spider-Man 3

[23:46] for all this stuff.

[23:47] And I like Spider-Man 3.

[23:48] Okay.

[23:49] So, and Holmes and Millicent flirt over eating raw onions together.

[23:54] So we've got some love interests, but Holmes still thinks that someone's copycatting Moriarty.

Stuart Wellington

[23:58] This kind of highlights one of the weird things about the movie for me is that they code both

[24:03] Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly as like way younger than those two guys are.

[24:08] Like they're behaving like they're like wacky teen boys.

[24:11] Yes.

[24:11] Which I guess could be the joke.

Elliott Kalan

[24:14] I guess.

[24:14] Maybe.

[24:15] I mean, it's kind of like in, there's a great movie, I don't know if you guys know it,

[24:18] I'm not sure if you're a man who shot Liberty Valance.

[24:19] Yeah.

[24:20] And the only minor flaw in it is that John Wayne and Jimmy Stewart are supposed to be playing

[24:24] young men and they're both in their 50s.

Dan McCoy

[24:27] But.

[24:27] Yeah.

[24:28] We looked it up.

[24:28] Lauren Lapkus is, I can't remember, 32 or 33.

[24:31] She's never reveal moments.

Elliott Kalan

[24:33] Let's just say she's 18 years younger than Will Ferrell.

Dan McCoy

[24:35] And Will Ferrell is 51.

[24:36] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[24:37] Yeah.

[24:37] And so it's very, and like throughout the movie, I'm like, these guys would be a little

[24:42] funnier in these parts if they didn't seem like they were at the age where it is sad that

[24:47] they're this buffoonish.

[24:48] But they're either too young or too old.

[24:51] Like if they were two doddering old men, hilarious.

[24:54] The elderly are hilarious because we're all going to be there.

[24:56] So it's okay to laugh at them because someday someone will laugh at us.

[24:59] And young people are hilarious because they don't know shit because they haven't learned

[25:02] anything.

[25:03] But middle-aged people.

[25:04] Whoa, Elliot's dabbing.

[25:05] Yeah.

[25:07] But middle-aged people are not funny because they should be doing things to help the world

[25:13] because they now have means and knowledge.

[25:15] But no, instead they're being a bunch of buffoons.

[25:17] Shouldn't you be at your accountant right now?

[25:20] Yeah.

[25:21] It's like, how are you guys going to pay your mortgage with this buffoonery?

[25:25] And Watson, the doctor has told him, he's so smart, he should be co-detective.

[25:29] And Watson's like, oh, I don't know, he has self-esteem problems.

[25:32] And he asks Holmes, can we be co-detectives?

[25:34] And Holmes says, you're not ready yet.

[25:36] And that night they both have hilarious dreams about their new paramours.

[25:39] And by hilarious, I mean, there's a lot of production value in them.

Dan McCoy

[25:44] By hilarious, you mean, this was padding?

Elliott Kalan

[25:46] Yeah.

[25:47] They should have called this movie Padding Ton Bear because there's a ton of padding

[25:51] and I can barely bear it.

[25:53] So where's the...

[25:54] Oh, no, I get it.

[25:55] It's all taken care of, Dan.

[25:57] I used every piece of that bubble-o.

[26:00] There's nothing left.

[26:04] Mathematically, that's a perfect joke.

[26:08] And it shows the limits of math.

[26:12] To explain the human heart.

[26:15] Now, Holmes believes that the killer is a one-armed tattoo artist.

[26:17] I don't remember how he came to this.

[26:19] He knows there's a one-armed tattoo artist named Klinger who's in the bad part of town.

[26:23] So to find him, they go undercover as a couple of ruffians, which means them just drinking all night.

[26:28] And they get very drunk and are like, just doing dumb things.

[26:33] And they send a late night drunk telegram to their new crushes.

[26:35] And I was waiting for the scene where the crushes get it and they're like, ugh, what is this?

[26:39] And they're embarrassed.

[26:40] Nope, no repercussion.

[26:41] They just, they send it and that's the end of that bit.

[26:44] Yeah.

[26:44] Because this is Holmes and Watson.

[26:45] It's a comedy, so why should we care about anything?

Stuart Wellington

[26:48] Because it's set in the old timey times, but they like are making thin references to modern...

[26:53] To new timey times.

[26:54] Yeah, modern common things like sending a sext or something.

Elliott Kalan

[26:57] You have put your finger on one of the most overused types of gag in the movie, which is they didn't have this modern thing back then.

[27:06] But what if they did?

[27:07] They'd probably give it a cumbersome name.

[27:10] So like, they end up at a gym in the next scene and there's a sign that says, cycle for your soul.

[27:14] And there's a guy barking through a megaphone at some people on those big, what are they, penny farthing bicycles?

[27:19] It's like soul cycle in olden times.

[27:21] What's that all about?

Dan McCoy

[27:22] Yeah, and the thing is like, I don't know, like, if there was one of these jokes in the movie, if they picked one...

[27:28] Yeah, one really good one.

Stuart Wellington

[27:29] I might have laughed at it because there's a point in this next scene that you're talking about where they have to fight.

Dan McCoy

[27:34] And instead of saying, let's get ready to rumble, the ring guy goes, let's get ready to scuffle.

[27:40] Not just any ring guy, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[27:41] Michael fucking Buffer, dude.

[27:43] Michael Buffer, the man who trademarks the phrase, let's get ready to rumble.

Dan McCoy

[27:46] Yeah, well, that part I wouldn't like no matter what.

[27:48] But if there was no other anachronism joke, I might think, oh, let's get ready to scuffle.

[27:54] There's a funny Victorian version of this.

[27:56] It will make me smile mildly.

[27:59] The corners of my mouth will upturn.

Elliott Kalan

[28:02] As if a fishing line unseen from the heavens had dangled down and lifted those said corners.

[28:07] I mean, this also comes moments after Will Ferrell says, if you want to watch the fight, you've got to pay to view it.

[28:12] View per pay.

[28:13] We'll pay per view.

[28:14] And it's like, we get it.

[28:14] All right, okay.

[28:15] So they follow this tattooed man to the gym where...

[28:18] No, they follow some tattooed men to a gym where Klinger is.

[28:21] Who's playing Klinger?

[28:22] Steve fucking Coogan.

[28:23] That's who.

[28:24] And I'm like, so the cast of the Sherlock Holmes comedy has been revealed to us.

[28:28] It should be Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon.

[28:30] Like, they're hilarious.

[28:31] They're English.

[28:32] We know they can work together.

[28:33] And because they made three movies together.

[28:36] Yeah.

[28:36] With somewhat diminishing returns with each one.

[28:38] But what are you going to do, you know?

[28:39] And so I'm like, why are you teasing me with the Sherlock Holmes comedy?

[28:43] That could have been.

[28:44] Oh, there's more teasing to come later.

[28:46] But anyway.

[28:47] Elliot teases you.

[28:49] Yeah, that's a tease of a tease.

[28:50] A double tease, if you will.

[28:52] Two T's.

[28:53] That's how you spell Elliot.

[28:54] Anyway, so.

[28:56] Is that the entirety of High School?

[28:58] Yep.

[28:58] That's it.

[28:59] The other letters are all just kind of hidden.

[29:02] The rest is gravy.

[29:05] The T's are what hold it up.

[29:06] The rest is just for show.

[29:08] Make it look pretty.

[29:09] Those T's are the structural part.

[29:12] They have to fight a huge guy.

[29:14] Moriarty shows up too.

[29:15] Klinger and Moriarty were working together.

[29:17] And they're like, you have to fight this big guy.

[29:19] The big guy gets...

[29:20] Watson beats him over the head with a chair until he is dead?

[29:24] It's hard to tell.

[29:25] It's crap.

[29:25] And Moriarty kills Klinger, stabs him in the back.

[29:29] And they pull out the knife and hurl it at Moriarty to reveal that he's not Moriarty.

[29:33] He's a man named Jacob Musgrave who looks just like Moriarty and was wearing a fake beard.

Dan McCoy

[29:37] As Holmes had postulated earlier in the movie, one is led to believe that Holmes is such a buffoon that he has been blinded by his own arrogance.

Elliott Kalan

[29:46] And he's denying the obvious evidence in front of him.

Dan McCoy

[29:48] Yes, but Holmes is actually right.

[29:49] This is a fake Moriarty.

Elliott Kalan

[29:51] He is, in a way, a great mouse detective.

[29:54] In a way.

[29:56] I mean, he's like three of those four things.

[29:59] He's great.

[30:00] He's a detective.

[30:01] The.

[30:01] There's only one of them.

Dan McCoy

[30:02] He's 75% of a great mouse detective.

[30:04] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[30:05] Some would say the most important ones.

[30:07] I would say, as Damacy Mouth Statistics in his presentation, there's very little statistical difference between him and a great mouse detective.

[30:16] Like how chimps and humans share most of their DNA.

[30:19] Exactly.

[30:20] And which is very nice of us to do with them because they don't pay us or anything.

[30:24] We get nothing from that transaction.

Stuart Wellington

[30:27] Does that mean Dracula and Bunnicula are very similar?

Elliott Kalan

[30:32] I'm glad you raised that question.

[30:33] They are 50% related.

[30:36] The Icula part.

[30:38] Okay.

[30:39] Or the Kula part.

[30:40] The I is, I guess, junk DNA, maybe Neanderthal DNA, distant relative.

[30:45] Yeah.

[30:46] But Drac and Bun are not related.

Stuart Wellington

[30:48] The I is in the bunny.

[30:51] Yeah.

[30:51] Why would it be Neanderthal?

Dan McCoy

[30:53] I don't know what Neanderthals are doing.

[30:54] The Flap House has a new sponsor this week.

[30:57] It's the book The Celery Stalks at Midnight.

[31:00] Available now.

Elliott Kalan

[31:02] And 23andMe.

[31:03] Yeah.

[31:04] Look, Neanderthals are extinct, Stuart.

[31:06] Maybe because instead of mating with each other, they were having sex with rabbits.

[31:10] I'm not an anthropologist.

[31:12] I can only suggest theories that hopefully the evidence will bear out someday.

[31:18] Continuing back to the film.

[31:20] So Holmes write, maybe it's not Moriarty, and they receive another clue, a lump of coal

[31:24] that they're told to bring to Newcastle.

[31:26] There is no joke in this clue, as we'll find out later.

Dan McCoy

[31:30] Holmes...

[31:30] Isn't there a phrase about bringing coal to Newcastle, though?

[31:33] Isn't that like a thing?

[31:35] You would know better than me, Mr. Sherlock Holmes guy.

[31:37] I'll look it up while you talk.

[31:38] Look it up.

[31:39] Which is our usual division of labor.

[31:42] You talk, and I'm sort of in the background.

[31:46] What?

[31:47] Mild laughter from the audience.

[31:49] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[31:49] No, I guess...

[31:50] Because it was very awkward and uncomfortable.

Stuart Wellington

[31:54] Have they weakened at Bernie's The Queen yet?

[31:57] No, that hasn't happened yet.

[31:58] Okay, so that's up next.

Dan McCoy

[32:00] Coals to Newcastle.

[32:02] A phrase meaning something brought or sent to a place where it is already plentiful.

[32:07] So Holmes and Watson is making reference to an outdated aphorism that none of us know.

[32:13] It's a smart movie.

[32:15] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[32:16] I get it.

[32:16] Look, they can make new things into old stuff.

[32:19] They can make old things into new stuff.

[32:20] Holmes and Watson, try it today.

[32:22] You know?

[32:22] Does both.

[32:23] Goes both ways.

[32:23] Hot Life of Timothy Green.

[32:24] Go on.

[32:26] Holmes thinks that their love interests, their Americans,

[32:29] might be the murderers or working for the murderer.

[32:32] And the Queen shows up to say,

[32:33] Hey, I have two days to live if you guys don't solve this mystery.

[32:36] John C. Reilly, of course, a huge fan.

[32:38] He decides he wants to take a selfie with the Queen.

[32:40] So some jokes about,

[32:41] Oh no, it's a photograph that I take myself.

[32:44] The best way to do it is to make a face like a duck-billed platypus.

[32:47] Watch this.

[32:48] And we watch as, instead of doing a joke about like, oh, they're doing duck face,

[32:52] they then hit the Queen in the face with the camera accidentally.

[32:55] And they decide she's dead.

[32:56] Yeah.

[32:57] And try to mush her into a trunk.

[33:00] Into a chest or whatever.

[33:03] Really being terrible with her body.

[33:06] And of course, there's a part where Watson is trying to shove her in.

[33:08] It looks like he's humping her and starts slapping her butt for some reason.

[33:11] Yeah, this is the point.

[33:12] This is the Queen of England, by the way.

[33:13] And trust me.

[33:14] Let me just say this.

[33:14] I have to stand up for it.

[33:16] I am no monarchist.

[33:18] I'm glad we're not part of the British Empire anymore.

[33:21] An unelected, unelected monarch?

[33:24] No thank you.

[33:25] I want to have a say in who my leader is.

[33:28] Wow, Ellie's really taking an unpopular stand here.

[33:30] Of course, due to the systems put in place,

[33:33] I have much less of a say in who is my leader than other parts of the country geographically.

[33:37] That comes from the Senate also.

[33:39] But in theory, in theory,

[33:42] no dumb old lady

[33:44] can just be born onto the throne

[33:47] and then tell me she's not amused.

[33:49] Well, I'm not amused.

[33:50] By her.

[33:50] Take that, Queen Victoria.

[33:51] You got slams.

[33:52] Thank you.

[33:55] Take that, Queen Victoria.

[33:57] Strong words.

[33:58] I once was on a trip to Scotland

[34:00] and I was in the lovely city of Glasgow.

[34:03] And is it my favorite Scottish city?

[34:05] Of course not.

[34:05] Edinburgh is.

[34:06] It's the best city in the world, maybe.

[34:07] So they fry everything.

[34:10] I went into a restaurant

[34:11] and I had fried hamburgers

[34:12] followed by fried candy bars.

[34:14] They took French fries, already fried,

[34:16] and they battered and fried them.

[34:17] It's the greatest city in the world.

[34:19] Now, and I went to,

[34:20] but I went to Glasgow

[34:21] where I assume they also do frying

[34:22] and there was this big open plaza

[34:24] with statues of great Scots, you know,

[34:27] and not like, great Scott,

[34:28] not like that.

[34:28] It was like,

Stuart Wellington

[34:29] people are just standing around being shocked.

Elliott Kalan

[34:31] Yeah, yeah.

[34:31] People from,

[34:32] from great people of Scotland.

[34:33] And there was a statue of Queen Victoria.

[34:36] These others, like,

[34:37] people who invented things are there.

[34:38] Great statesmen.

[34:39] Only one woman,

[34:40] which was Queen Victoria.

[34:40] I mean,

[34:41] that's obviously a problem with history,

[34:42] that it bilans.

[34:43] The only woman there is Queen Victoria

[34:44] because she visited Glasgow once.

[34:46] So they put up a statue

[34:47] because she visited there once.

[34:49] Dan,

[34:50] if that was the case,

[34:51] there would be so many Popeyes

[34:53] across this great nation

[34:54] that had statues of me in them.

[34:56] And I feel a little offended

[34:57] that there aren't.

[34:58] You know, Elliot,

Dan McCoy

[35:00] before we started this show,

[35:03] our point person at the venue said,

[35:05] there is no heart out for the show.

[35:06] And I think you took that

[35:07] a little too much

Elliott Kalan

[35:08] to your own heart.

[35:11] So, anyway,

[35:11] Queen Victoria's there.

[35:13] They think they've killed her

[35:14] and they are abusing her body terribly.

[35:16] And once her guards run in

[35:18] and they're literally about to dismember her

[35:20] with a bone saw

[35:20] to get rid of her body,

[35:21] when she wakes up,

[35:23] asks for a copy of the selfie photograph

[35:24] and leaves abruptly.

[35:26] Well,

[35:27] so there you have it.

[35:28] The movie almost cut a live woman up.

Dan McCoy

[35:30] Yeah.

[35:30] This is the moment

[35:31] in which the audience

[35:32] almost kills themselves

[35:34] because they're like,

[35:35] surely there's no more laughs

[35:36] to be had in life.

[35:38] We must deliver ourselves

[35:40] over to the afterlife

[35:41] where perhaps there's more humor

[35:42] to be had.

[35:43] But Holmes and Watson

[35:44] has used all of it up on Earth.

[35:46] There's none.

[35:47] It's a precious resource

Elliott Kalan

[35:48] and they've used it all.

Stuart Wellington

[35:48] Hey, Elliot,

[35:49] did you do anything else fun

[35:51] while you were in Scotland?

Elliott Kalan

[35:52] Okay.

[35:53] Oh,

[35:53] well,

[35:54] I mean,

[35:54] I've been there a couple times.

[35:55] Jesus Christ.

[35:55] Obviously,

[35:56] I mean,

[35:56] there's Edinburgh Castle.

[35:58] It's beautiful.

[35:59] Oh, yeah,

[35:59] that sounds cool.

[36:00] It's got such history.

[36:02] And I was online

[36:03] for the tour

[36:04] and I could see

[36:05] there were lots of people

[36:05] there who were Scottish

[36:06] and the castle's been there

[36:07] a thousand years.

[36:08] And it really struck me.

[36:09] I was like,

[36:09] I live in a country

[36:10] where most of the people

[36:12] in it can pinpoint

[36:13] for the most part

[36:14] when their ancestors

[36:15] came to this country.

[36:16] And to live in a place

[36:17] where your family,

[36:18] as far as you know,

[36:18] has always lived

[36:19] for thousands of years,

[36:20] I was like,

[36:21] that's such a different experience

[36:22] from my own.

[36:22] I found that really interesting.

[36:23] Anyway,

[36:24] not necessarily one's better

[36:25] than the other,

[36:25] but just a different experience.

[36:27] Of course,

[36:27] my wife and I

[36:28] on a different trip,

[36:28] we hiked the last three days

[36:30] of the West Highland Way.

[36:31] Beautiful hiking.

[36:32] Yeah, yeah.

[36:33] From the moors

[36:33] to the forest.

[36:34] It was a fairytale land.

[36:35] I had haggis every dinner

Dan McCoy

[36:37] while I was there.

[36:38] Stuart,

[36:39] if there's one person

[36:41] who does not need

[36:42] to be encouraged,

[36:43] it's Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[36:46] Dan,

[36:47] as a great man once said,

[36:48] if you remove

[36:48] whatever is impossible,

[36:50] then whatever is left behind,

[36:53] I will talk about forever.

Stuart Wellington

[36:55] Those were the immortal words

[36:57] of Lizzie McGuire?

[36:58] Yeah, I think so.

Elliott Kalan

[36:59] Or Alex Mack.

[37:01] Anyway,

[37:01] so Holmes is like,

[37:04] we're going to seduce

[37:05] the American ladies

[37:06] and make them reveal

[37:07] their secrets.

[37:08] So they go on a picnic

[37:09] and for reasons

[37:10] that are too stupid

[37:11] to get into,

[37:12] Holmes is like,

[37:12] no, actually,

[37:13] I guess they're okay.

[37:14] So that was a dead end.

[37:15] Now,

[37:16] they decide

[37:17] they have to go talk

[37:18] to the other smartest man

[37:19] in England.

[37:21] Sherlock Holmes

[37:22] has a brother.

[37:23] Okay.

[37:23] His name, Dan?

[37:24] Mike Roth.

[37:25] Now, Dan,

[37:25] up to this point,

[37:26] the movie's been pretty close

[37:27] to the Holmes canon, right?

[37:29] Not perfect.

[37:31] When they break that beehive

[37:32] with a cricket bat,

[37:34] when they have to shove

[37:35] Queen Victoria's dead body

[37:36] into a trunk,

[37:38] that's all the masturbation stuff.

[37:40] That's all from the original

[37:41] Conan Doyle stories, right?

[37:42] Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

[37:44] It's almost like,

[37:45] so I know that this old story

[37:46] of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

[37:47] not wanting,

[37:47] being tired of Sherlock Holmes

[37:48] and trying to kill him

[37:50] in what,

[37:50] the final question?

[37:51] The final problem.

[37:52] The final problem.

[37:53] And it's almost like,

[37:55] he decided instead

[37:56] to write the dumbest

[37:57] Sherlock Holmes story ever.

[37:59] It's like,

[37:59] this will cure them

[38:00] of their love of Holmes.

[38:02] I'll just make it bad.

[38:03] What if he vomits

Dan McCoy

[38:04] into a bucket repeatedly?

Elliott Kalan

[38:06] What if he eats an onion

[38:07] like an apple

[38:07] and just keeps talking about it?

[38:11] But he goes to see

[38:13] Mycroft Holmes.

[38:14] Okay.

[38:15] Imagine my delight

[38:16] and then disappointment

[38:17] when I discover

[38:19] who is playing

[38:19] Mycroft Holmes.

[38:20] Dan, can you,

[38:21] who is playing Mycroft Holmes?

[38:22] I can't even say it.

[38:24] Mr. Hugh Laurie.

[38:25] That's right,

[38:25] Mr. Hugh Laurie,

[38:27] who could also have

[38:28] conceivably played

[38:28] a buffoonish

[38:30] in a comedy.

Dan McCoy

[38:31] So this movie...

[38:32] He's played a buffoon.

[38:33] He's basically played

[38:34] Sherlock Holmes.

[38:35] Put them together.

Elliott Kalan

[38:36] Come on.

[38:37] It's not rocket science,

[38:38] people.

[38:39] So the movie

[38:40] has been teasing us

[38:41] with three other

[38:42] possible leads

[38:43] for the movie.

[38:43] Four if you count

[38:44] Rebecca Hall,

[38:45] which I will

[38:46] for that matter.

[38:47] Sure.

[38:48] I would love that.

[38:50] And yet,

[38:50] has there ever been

[38:51] a lady Sherlock Holmes

[38:52] with like a lady Watson?

[38:53] Being a non-porno.

[38:55] Yes.

[38:56] I think that...

[38:56] I wish that went

[38:57] without saying.

Dan McCoy

[38:58] I mean, there's a female Watson

[38:59] in elementary

[39:00] with Johnny Lee Miller.

[39:01] No, but I mean both ladies.

[39:03] But I can't...

[39:03] I'm sure there has.

[39:05] I cannot think.

[39:05] A She-lock Holmes,

[39:06] if you will.

[39:07] I won't.

[39:08] I will not do that, sir.

[39:10] All right.

[39:10] Okay.

[39:11] Submit it and reject it.

[39:13] All right.

[39:13] Something about it

[39:14] feels sexist.

[39:15] I don't know what,

[39:15] but I don't like it.

Elliott Kalan

[39:17] What about a black

[39:19] and a black Watson?

[39:19] No.

Dan McCoy

[39:20] I mean, like,

[39:21] let's do it,

[39:22] but don't get into it.

[39:23] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[39:24] I'm all in support of it.

[39:26] I'm not in support

[39:26] of you discussing it.

[39:27] All right.

[39:28] I guess I'm not

[39:29] the right person for it.

[39:30] Anyway,

[39:31] so once again,

[39:32] Mycroft Holmes

[39:33] and Sherlock Holmes,

[39:33] they're so smart,

[39:34] they talk to each other

[39:34] just with their brains

[39:35] telepathically.

[39:37] And Mycroft says,

[39:39] this has to be someone

[39:40] who is close to you.

[39:41] They know your methods

[39:42] and they're using them

[39:42] against you.

[39:43] And so Holmes accuses

[39:44] the person closest to him,

[39:46] Watson.

[39:47] He says,

[39:49] Watson,

[39:49] you wanted the credit

[39:50] and I wouldn't give it to you.

[39:51] So you did this

[39:52] and they take Watson away

[39:53] and everyone is kind of surprised

[39:54] at what a jackass Holmes

[39:56] has just been.

Stuart Wellington

[39:57] Yeah,

[39:57] and it's playing on

[39:58] the idea

[40:00] floated by

[40:01] that great movie

[40:02] Sherlock Gnomes

[40:04] that Watson,

[40:06] tired of Sherlock,

[40:08] would finally snap

[40:09] and become the bad guy.

Elliott Kalan

[40:10] Yeah,

[40:10] tired of living the shadows.

[40:12] Dan,

[40:12] did you ever think

[40:12] as a Sherlockian

[40:14] that you would see

[40:15] a movie that would make you

[40:16] return to Sherlock Gnomes

[40:18] as a better,

[40:19] more accurate representation

[40:20] of the character?

[40:21] Sherlock Holmes is a better

Dan McCoy

[40:21] Sherlock Holmes.

[40:23] Like,

[40:23] the thing is,

[40:24] the conception of Sherlock Holmes.

[40:26] That's correct me

[40:26] if I'm wrong.

Elliott Kalan

[40:27] Sherlock Holmes in the story is...

Dan McCoy

[40:28] You were so excited to say that

[40:30] that you were literally

[40:31] dribbling water in your mouth

Stuart Wellington

[40:33] from the bottle.

[40:34] Yeah,

[40:34] yeah,

[40:34] wait,

[40:35] I need some clarification.

[40:36] So Sherlock Gnomes

[40:38] is named that

[40:38] because he's a garden gnome.

[40:40] Is Sherlock Holmes

[40:41] named that

[40:41] because he's made out

[40:42] of a home?

Dan McCoy

[40:43] He's made out of

[40:44] a Better Homes

[40:44] and Gardens magazine.

[40:46] Oh,

[40:46] right.

[40:46] Now,

Elliott Kalan

[40:48] yeah,

[40:48] because correct me

[40:48] if I'm wrong,

[40:49] this is what I want to say.

[40:49] I'm not as Sherlockian like you.

[40:51] In the canon,

[40:52] is he a gnome?

[40:55] I mean...

[40:56] I literally

[40:57] spilled water on myself

[40:58] because I wanted to say that to you.

Stuart Wellington

[41:00] Yeah,

[41:00] yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[41:00] that was your most

[41:01] Columbo-tool-tool-tool.

Elliott Kalan

[41:03] One more thing,

[41:04] one more thing.

[41:05] Sherlock Holmes,

[41:07] is he a gnome?

Stuart Wellington

[41:09] I mean...

[41:10] A little more

[41:11] Sylvester Stallone there,

[41:12] but that's okay.

[41:14] I just want to know,

[41:15] Dan.

[41:15] Oh,

Elliott Kalan

[41:15] he shows up

[41:16] every once in a while.

[41:17] You know,

[41:18] it's a good question.

[41:20] Is he a gnome?

[41:21] I mean,

[41:22] he's smaller than me

[41:23] in the movies.

[41:24] I'm actually kind of

[41:25] a short guy in real life,

[41:26] but,

[41:26] like,

[41:27] he's kind of a wimp.

[41:29] He couldn't beat me

[41:30] in a fight,

[41:31] and a gnome

[41:31] couldn't beat me

[41:31] in a fight either.

Dan McCoy

[41:33] I mean,

[41:33] Sherlock Holmes,

[41:34] he's kind of an expert

[41:35] at boxing,

[41:36] among other forms of...

Elliott Kalan

[41:37] An expert at boxing?

[41:38] My name's Rocky Balboa.

[41:41] Touché.

[41:42] Touché, Rocky.

[41:43] I don't know what that means.

[41:46] Also,

[41:46] my name's Sylvester Stallone.

[41:47] I'm an assistant character.

[41:48] You don't have to call me Rocky.

Dan McCoy

[41:50] I do it as a form of respect.

[41:51] I know,

[41:51] do you get it occasionally?

[41:52] I extend it to you

[41:53] as respect,

[41:55] the way I would,

[41:55] you know,

[41:56] call the queen,

[41:57] the queen,

[41:57] her majesty,

[41:58] rather than by her name.

Elliott Kalan

[41:59] Because it's like,

[42:00] I know I sometimes

[42:01] confuse myself

[42:02] with my characters,

[42:03] but I've been hit

[42:04] on the head a lot.

[42:06] So I don't,

[42:07] I wouldn't expect you

[42:07] to do the same.

[42:09] I think you know

[42:10] I am Academy Award

[42:11] winning screenwriter.

[42:12] No,

[42:13] that's not true.

[42:13] I lost,

[42:14] of course,

[42:14] to Patty Chayefsky.

[42:16] The Hack.

[42:18] I tell myself that

[42:19] because guess who's still around,

[42:20] not Patty Chayefsky.

[42:22] Hey,

[42:22] let me call up Patty Chayefsky

Dan McCoy

[42:24] and see if he want to can.

[42:25] He's dead.

[42:26] You know what,

[42:27] you know what,

[42:27] Mr. Stallone,

[42:28] I appreciate you fact-checking yourself

[42:29] in the middle of your monologue.

Elliott Kalan

[42:32] Call me Sly.

[42:34] All right,

[42:34] Sly.

[42:34] Because that's me,

[42:35] Sly and the family Stallone.

[42:37] It's true,

[42:38] I have a family

[42:39] and they have the same last name as me.

[42:40] I know,

Dan McCoy

[42:41] I'm aware of your brother Frank.

[42:43] Don't ever talk about it.

Elliott Kalan

[42:47] Well,

[42:48] I should get going.

[42:49] I just came to Portland

[42:50] so I could have some,

[42:51] I don't know,

[42:52] whatever they do here.

[42:57] I'm glad that you did the research,

[42:59] Sly.

[43:01] Stuart,

[43:01] you really see me

[43:02] as the kind of guy

[43:02] who's just going to crack it open

[43:04] in an encyclopedia

[43:04] and just look up under P for Portland.

[43:07] No,

[43:08] I look up under S for Stallone.

[43:10] To remind myself

[43:11] if I am a guy

[43:13] who was a prisoner of war

[43:14] or if I wasn't a guy.

[43:15] Motherfucker.

[43:16] Was I,

[43:17] did I live in Copland at one point?

[43:19] I can't remember.

[43:21] Was I,

[43:22] I can't remember

[43:22] if I'm a race car driver.

[43:24] Yeah,

[43:24] you got,

[43:24] I need an escape plan

[43:26] from this bit.

[43:27] Yeah,

[43:27] so was I in jail

[43:29] and I escaped

[43:29] or was that a character

[43:30] that I did?

[43:31] Oh,

Stuart Wellington

[43:31] God damn.

[43:31] Yeah,

[43:32] are you going to see

[43:33] the daylight ever?

Elliott Kalan

[43:34] Yeah,

[43:35] it's a real cliffhanger.

[43:38] And that's

[43:39] the Sylvester Stallone

[43:40] bit.

[43:41] All right.

[43:42] Thank you.

[43:45] So,

[43:46] we find ourselves

[43:48] at the beginning

[43:49] of Act 3

[43:49] and of Act 2 crisis.

[43:51] Watson has been arrested.

[43:52] Holmes finds that he,

[43:53] finds he misses his friend,

[43:54] especially when he reads

[43:55] Watson's diary,

[43:56] which is just all about

[43:57] how great Sherlock Holmes is.

[43:59] Holmes starts to cry.

[44:00] He feels emotions again.

[44:01] Those emotions

[44:02] that he shoved away.

[44:03] That's right,

[44:03] the movie is pretending

[44:04] we care about the plot now.

[44:06] And he sings a song

[44:08] about how he misses his friend.

[44:09] A song

Dan McCoy

[44:09] that was written

[44:10] by Alan Menken.

[44:13] Of,

[44:13] of,

[44:14] of,

[44:15] originally Makin and Ashman

[44:16] before Ashman,

[44:17] unfortunately,

[44:17] sadly died.

[44:18] But like,

[44:19] you may know,

[44:20] for instance,

[44:21] the Little Mermaid songs,

[44:22] Makin and Ashman.

[44:23] Can you name any of the songs?

Elliott Kalan

[44:24] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[44:25] Kiss the Girl.

Elliott Kalan

[44:26] That's the one you went for first?

Dan McCoy

[44:28] Under the Sea.

Elliott Kalan

[44:29] Not Under the Damn Sea?

[44:31] I,

[44:31] I gotta say,

Dan McCoy

[44:33] I'm a bigger Kiss the Girl thing.

[44:34] Really?

Elliott Kalan

[44:34] When I was a kid,

[44:35] I owned the Little Mermaid

[44:36] on VHS

[44:37] in the big clamshell

[44:38] Disney library tape box.

[44:39] Also,

[44:39] also Little Shop of Horrors,

Dan McCoy

[44:40] brother.

Elliott Kalan

[44:41] That's not a Little Mermaid song.

[44:42] And,

[44:42] I know they both

[44:43] have a little bit of the title.

[44:44] Alright,

[44:45] go on.

[44:45] The,

[44:45] I would watch Under the Sea

[44:47] and then I would stop the tape,

[44:49] I would rewind it

[44:50] to the beginning of Under the Sea

[44:51] and I would watch that song again.

[44:53] Because you know what?

[44:54] It got my little toes tapping.

[44:56] And I'm still a little

[44:57] and it still gets my toes tapping.

[45:00] So,

[45:00] they sing the song,

[45:01] there's no real jokes in the song.

[45:03] It's just a,

[45:03] it's just a duet.

Dan McCoy

[45:04] It's just an example of more

[45:05] talent thrown at this movie.

[45:07] Like,

[45:07] speaking of music,

[45:08] Mark Mothersbaugh

[45:09] does the fucking score

[45:11] of Devo,

[45:12] known for doing the soundtracks

[45:14] to Wes Anderson movies.

[45:15] Like,

[45:15] Rugrats.

[45:16] Yeah,

[45:16] amazing,

[45:17] amazing guy.

[45:17] Just like,

[45:18] wait,

[45:18] so much talent,

[45:19] watch down the toilet.

Stuart Wellington

[45:21] Wait,

[45:21] did Wes Anderson make

[45:22] the Rugrats movie?

[45:23] Yeah,

[45:23] yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[45:24] yeah,

[45:24] he made the Rugrats movie.

[45:25] It was called

[45:26] Moonrise Kingdom.

[45:29] So,

[45:31] Sherlock Holmes is like,

[45:32] no wait,

[45:33] Watson's innocent.

[45:34] He would never frame me.

[45:35] He would never do this to me.

[45:36] And I love him.

[45:37] He's my friend.

[45:38] And Watson is about to be hung.

[45:39] He's watching them test out the rope,

[45:42] which,

[45:42] this is kind of a funny joke.

[45:43] Oh,

[45:43] this is definitely,

[45:44] let's give the movie credit.

[45:45] This is definitely a funny joke.

[45:46] And we'll say,

[45:46] this is not a movie without laughs.

[45:48] There are funny jokes.

[45:49] There are oases in the desert

[45:51] of otherwise bits that don't work.

[45:53] There are funny jokes in the movie.

[45:54] Holmes and Watson,

[45:55] I'll give you that.

Dan McCoy

[45:56] There are funny jokes in you.

[45:58] Yeah,

[45:58] but it's like,

[45:59] it's like panning for gold

[46:00] in like,

[46:02] a cesspool.

[46:03] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[46:04] Wow.

[46:05] Rough.

[46:05] Now,

[46:06] what made you think

[46:06] there'd be gold

[46:07] in the cesspool,

[46:08] Dan?

[46:08] Because usually gold

[46:09] is in like,

[46:10] streams that come down a mountain.

Dan McCoy

[46:11] Have you seen the Ballad of Buster Scruggs?

[46:13] I have indeed.

[46:14] So,

[46:14] like Tom Waits,

[46:15] I just,

[46:16] you know,

[46:16] I dug in several cesspools

[46:18] and I put little flags up.

[46:19] And when there's more gold.

Elliott Kalan

[46:21] And you were like,

[46:21] I'm gonna get you,

[46:22] Mr. Cesspool.

[46:23] You can't stop me.

[46:24] Mr. Cesspool.

Dan McCoy

[46:25] Well,

[46:26] that's our Buster Scruggs bit,

[46:27] I guess.

[46:28] Yeah,

[46:28] yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[46:30] Should we talk about,

[46:30] no,

[46:31] we shouldn't talk about Buster Scruggs

[46:32] for a while.

[46:32] Anyway,

[46:33] so,

[46:34] but the joke is,

[46:35] they're testing out the noose

[46:36] and they're using a man

[46:38] made out of straw

[46:38] and the,

[46:40] and they test it

[46:41] and it goes to the trap door

[46:42] and its head pops off

[46:42] and the two dogs run out

[46:43] to tear it apart.

[46:44] And Watson's like,

[46:45] the dogs seem a bit much.

[46:48] But then a mystery figure

[46:50] enters his cell

[46:51] and brings him a piece of cake.

[46:53] And that's when it all comes together

[46:54] for Watson.

[46:55] It turns out,

[46:56] the real killer,

[46:57] should I reveal it?

[46:58] Uh-huh,

[46:58] yeah,

[46:58] sure.

[46:59] It was Mrs. Hudson

[47:00] all along,

[47:01] their housekeeper

[47:02] who is turned out to be

[47:03] Moriarty's daughter.

[47:06] Moriarty has a daughter.

[47:08] Her name,

[47:08] his name is Mrs. Hudson,

[47:10] a character who up to now

[47:11] has only been shouted at

[47:12] by Holmes and Watson

[47:13] and,

[47:14] and,

[47:15] and,

Elliott Kalan

[47:15] and,

[47:16] and slut shamed at one point.

[47:17] Yeah,

[47:17] she's,

[47:17] it's implied that she,

[47:18] she,

Stuart Wellington

[47:19] she entertains the affections

[47:21] of,

[47:21] what,

[47:22] Albert Einstein?

[47:23] It's a man that,

Elliott Kalan

[47:23] he's,

[47:24] so,

[47:24] there are three,

[47:25] she has these three henchmen

[47:26] who,

[47:26] and I'm like,

[47:26] those guys kind of look like

[47:27] Albert Einstein,

[47:28] Mark Twain,

[47:28] and Charlie Chaplin,

[47:29] but that's weird.

[47:30] In the credits,

[47:30] they're listed as

[47:31] Mark Twain,

[47:32] Albert Einstein,

[47:33] Charlie Chaplin.

[47:34] So there must be some bit

[47:35] that got cut.

[47:36] Because otherwise,

[47:37] it's such a,

[47:38] it's the same way it would be weird

[47:39] to put a woman in a striking blue dress

[47:41] and give her no lines of dialogue.

[47:43] It would be weird to dress up

[47:45] some extras,

[47:46] basically,

[47:47] in the costumes of historical figures,

[47:49] credit them as such,

[47:50] and give them nothing to do.

[47:52] Honestly,

Dan McCoy

[47:52] that is the part of the movie

[47:53] I respect the most.

[47:55] to have a character

[47:56] have sex with three historical figures

Elliott Kalan

[47:59] and never mention it.

[48:01] Not since Tim Heidecker

[48:03] walks through Bridesmaids

[48:04] with nary a line of dialogue

[48:06] and I began to wonder

[48:07] if they knew he was on set

[48:08] when they shot the film.

[48:10] Not since then

[48:11] have I been so baffled

[48:12] by the use of background players.

[48:15] Very strange.

[48:16] Well,

[48:16] but chalk it up to the mastery

[48:17] of Ethan Coen,

[48:18] the man who made Garfield

[48:19] and Garfield a Tale of Two Kitties.

Dan McCoy

[48:21] The man who,

[48:22] probably apocryphally,

[48:23] Bill Murray thought

[48:25] was Ethan Coen.

[48:26] There's no way.

Elliott Kalan

[48:26] So they asked Bill Murray

[48:27] in a GQ interview,

[48:28] they're like,

[48:28] why did you do Garfield in the movies?

[48:30] Like,

[48:30] oh,

[48:30] I thought it was Ethan Coen

[48:31] of the Coen brothers.

[48:32] It's like,

[48:32] that's not true, dude.

[48:33] Then you did a second one.

[48:34] So like,

[48:34] come on.

[48:36] Did you think,

[48:36] oh,

[48:36] this time they really got it?

Dan McCoy

[48:39] Fool me once,

[48:40] shame on you.

[48:41] Fool me twice,

[48:42] shame on Bill Murray

[48:42] is what you're saying.

Elliott Kalan

[48:43] Shame on him all the time.

[48:45] He does all sorts of,

[48:46] he ruins people's weddings.

[48:48] This will be hilarious.

[48:49] I'll go in and be in

[48:50] all the wedding pictures.

[48:51] Maybe they want one picture

[48:52] that you're not in,

[48:53] Bill Murray.

[48:53] It's their special day.

[48:54] Don't make it all about you.

[48:56] I was about to call him Fletch,

[48:57] but that's Jimmy Chase.

[48:57] He has a special day.

[48:59] It's called Groundhog's Day.

[49:01] Very true.

[49:02] Okay,

[49:02] so Sherlock,

[49:04] he realizes that this is,

[49:05] Mrs. Hudson wants to kill the queen

[49:07] and defeat Sherlock

[49:08] in order to win her dad's love.

[49:10] He never would have realized it

[49:11] because love was alien to him

[49:12] until Millicent,

[49:14] Lauren Lapcus's character there,

[49:15] realized we didn't name.

[49:16] And she doesn't talk

[49:16] because earlier they say

[49:17] she was raised by cats

[49:18] and that's why she doesn't talk.

Dan McCoy

[49:20] Anyway.

[49:21] There is another funny joke.

[49:22] I have to say,

[49:23] another funny joke

[49:23] where everyone is mad at Sherlock

[49:24] and they like,

[49:26] you know,

[49:26] do their thing.

[49:27] They all storm out

[49:28] saying different things to him.

[49:29] Millicent angrily

[49:31] like hands him a note,

[49:32] storms off,

[49:33] and he opens it up

[49:34] and it's a child's drawing of a cat.

[49:37] Genuinely funny,

[49:38] but moving on.

Elliott Kalan

[49:40] And so he goes

[49:42] and he frees Watson

[49:43] from the trap

[49:43] that he's been put into

[49:44] by Mrs. Hudson

[49:45] and they know there's a bomb

[49:46] on the Titanic

[49:47] where,

[49:48] and they're like,

[49:49] ah,

[49:49] we had to bring Cole

[49:51] to a new sort of castle.

[49:53] And it's like,

[49:54] what?

[49:54] Come on,

[49:54] that doesn't make sense.

[49:56] Nobody at the time

[49:56] was like,

[49:57] a castle on the sea?

[49:58] This is nuts.

[49:59] Like,

[50:00] the,

[50:00] and this is also where,

[50:02] this is something

[50:02] that shouldn't bother me

[50:03] in a movie

[50:03] called Holmes and Watson

[50:05] where Sherlock Holmes

[50:05] and John Watson

[50:06] are buffoons,

[50:07] but that,

[50:08] it's like,

[50:08] this is clearly taking place

[50:09] in like the 1890s,

[50:11] right?

[50:12] Because Holmes mentions

[50:12] that he is,

[50:13] that he is 46.

[50:15] This is where

[50:16] Elliot does a little

[50:17] Sherlocking of his own.

[50:18] Yeah,

[50:18] he's a kid in 1867.

[50:20] Let's say he's six years old.

[50:21] That means he must be born

[50:22] in 1861.

[50:23] If he's 46,

[50:24] the year is 1907

[50:25] at the latest.

Stuart Wellington

[50:26] Elliot's calculating

[50:27] the trajectory

[50:28] of the guys.

[50:28] He's in his memory palace

[50:29] right now.

Elliott Kalan

[50:29] When was the Titanic launched?

[50:31] Let me go to that room.

[50:32] The Titanic room.

[50:33] Let's see.

[50:34] 1912.

[50:35] Hold on a second.

[50:36] Sherlock Holmes movie.

[50:38] You got it all wrong

[50:40] when the Titanic

[50:40] was launched.

[50:42] We got him.

[50:43] We got him.

[50:44] Shut him down, boys.

[50:45] I think Queen Victoria's birth

[50:47] and death days.

[50:47] I think she had died by then.

[50:50] Thank you.

[50:50] What was it?

[50:50] When was it?

[50:51] 1901.

[50:52] Thank you.

[50:53] Well, let the jury...

[50:54] They don't even...

[50:54] Please tell me.

[50:55] I know.

[50:56] Oh, he's getting up

[50:56] on the table.

[50:57] Too bad.

[50:58] I point to this expert witness

[51:01] who has attested

[51:02] that Queen Victoria,

[51:04] who we've just seen

[51:05] with the defendants,

[51:06] Holmes and Watson,

[51:07] died in 1901.

[51:09] and yet we are to believe

[51:10] she was present

[51:11] on the Titanic

[51:12] right before her maiden voyage.

[51:15] I have this newspaper

[51:16] with today's date on it.

[51:18] Yeah.

[51:18] With an article about the Titanic

[51:20] that mentions

[51:20] that it was launched in 1912.

[51:22] And so I postulate to you,

[51:24] ladies and gentlemen

[51:25] of the jury,

[51:26] you must find Holmes

[51:27] and Watson both guilty

[51:29] of not caring about history.

[51:32] The worst crime there is.

[51:34] Thank you.

[51:37] The sentence, of course,

John Hodgman

[51:39] is that we're going to finish

[51:41] talking about the movie

[51:42] any minute.

[51:42] Okay, so...

[51:42] We're very close to the end.

Elliott Kalan

[51:43] They know where the bomb is

[51:44] and Sherlock is trying to

[51:46] calculate in his head

[51:47] the best way to get rid of it,

[51:47] but he keeps thinking

[51:48] about Millicent.

[51:49] He's being distracted by love.

[51:50] Watson is going to have to do it.

[51:51] And Watson's the one

[51:52] who also deduced

[51:53] where the bomb is.

[51:54] Watson, he just runs through

[51:55] and pushes people aside,

[51:57] killing a lot,

[51:57] like using up time.

[51:58] I mean, I gotta say,

[52:00] one more joke

[52:01] I genuinely like.

Dan McCoy

[52:03] Like, whenever Sherlock

[52:04] is doing his calculations,

[52:05] they pull something

[52:06] from the Robert Downey Jr.

[52:08] Sherlock Holmes was like,

[52:09] trajectory of this,

[52:10] X equals whatever.

[52:11] Like, they do it

[52:12] like a little thing

[52:13] where he's like,

[52:13] his brain is going through

[52:14] all the...

[52:14] They do it earlier

[52:15] when he's drunk

Elliott Kalan

[52:15] and he's trying to

[52:16] out-calculate the trajectory

[52:18] of his pee

[52:18] when he's peeing

[52:19] against the wall.

[52:19] Not funny.

[52:19] So it doesn't get us shoes.

[52:20] That one is not funny.

[52:21] But this one's...

Dan McCoy

[52:21] But this one's pretty funny

[52:22] because Watson is trying

[52:24] to do the same thing,

[52:25] but he is Watson.

Elliott Kalan

[52:27] He doesn't understand

[52:28] the math,

[52:28] so he's like,

[52:29] oh, it's so hard.

[52:30] Is that an X or a plus sign?

[52:31] Like, the math

[52:32] is appearing in his head

[52:33] but he doesn't know how to do it.

[52:34] It was a fun...

[52:34] And John C. Reilly,

[52:35] he's trying to sell...

Dan McCoy

[52:36] John C. Reilly is genuinely funny

[52:37] in this movie

[52:38] even though the movie

[52:38] is terrible.

[52:39] Like, he is a good comedian

[52:41] and this movie is so bad.

Elliott Kalan

[52:42] The man's a trained clown

[52:43] and he knows what he's doing

[52:45] when it comes to comedy.

[52:46] I mean, Will Ferrell

[52:46] obviously knows what he's doing

[52:47] when it comes to comedy

[52:48] but he doesn't seem

[52:49] to care that much

[52:49] in this one.

[52:50] Anyway, so Watson

[52:51] throws the bomb.

[52:52] Of course,

[52:53] this being a movie,

[52:54] lands in the boat

[52:55] of the bad guy

[52:55] who says,

[52:56] oh shit,

[52:56] right before the bomb explodes.

[52:58] The most cliched thing

[52:59] a bad guy can say

[53:00] when a bomb lands

[53:01] at their feet.

[53:01] That's small comfort

Stuart Wellington

[53:04] to somebody

[53:04] who's just been exploded though.

Elliott Kalan

[53:07] The small comfort

[53:07] is that I'm ripping

[53:08] on them for a cliche.

[53:10] I'm like,

[53:10] you have one second to live.

[53:11] Come up with something

[53:12] original, dude.

[53:14] The day is saved

[53:15] and Sherlock Holmes

[53:16] shares the credit

[53:17] with Watson.

[53:18] The next day,

[53:19] I guess,

[53:20] they say farewell

[53:20] to their ladies

[53:21] as they board

[53:21] the Titanic

[53:22] back to New York.

[53:23] Who else is there

[53:24] but Billy Zane

[53:24] who they call out

[53:25] as Billy Zane.

[53:26] Not playing his role

[53:28] in Titanic.

[53:28] They just say,

[53:29] look, it's Billy Zane.

[53:30] Ladies and gentlemen

[53:32] Billy Zane

[53:34] is still with us.

[53:36] Are we to believe

[53:37] that he is a Highlander?

[53:40] Perhaps one of these

[53:40] immortals we've heard

[53:41] so much about?

[53:43] A vampire?

[53:44] One of your Robert Pattinson's?

[53:45] I think not.

[53:47] Watson gives Holmes

[53:48] a present.

[53:48] It's a deerstalker cap.

[53:50] Finally,

[53:50] the right hat.

[53:52] Which means

[53:52] that this came before

[53:53] every other

[53:54] Sherlock Holmes story,

[53:55] right?

[53:55] Yeah.

[53:56] And finally,

[53:57] we have the origin story

[53:58] for Sherlock Holmes' hat.

[53:59] Wonderful.

[54:00] And they're friends again.

[54:02] And then there is

[54:02] maybe the most baffling scene

[54:04] in the entire movie.

[54:06] We cut to,

[54:06] it's the Old West

[54:07] on the Oklahoma frontier

[54:09] or some frontier.

[54:10] We're in a...

[54:11] Wyoming.

[54:11] What?

[54:12] Wyoming.

[54:12] Thank you.

[54:13] It's the Wyoming frontier.

Stuart Wellington

[54:14] It's a big country

[54:15] up there, you know?

Elliott Kalan

[54:16] Big sky.

[54:17] Yeah, it is.

[54:17] Oh, boy.

[54:19] Big sky country

[54:20] because they've done

[54:21] the studies.

[54:22] The sky is not wider

[54:23] as people think

[54:24] but actually thicker there.

[54:26] There's more layers of sky.

[54:28] It's built up over the years.

[54:29] Fatty deposits of sky.

Dan McCoy

[54:30] It's sort of like a paste.

[54:31] It's like a toothpaste

Elliott Kalan

[54:32] you gotta walk through.

[54:33] You gotta walk through the sky

[54:34] and it gets all over your clothes.

[54:36] Yeah.

[54:36] It's a gross state.

[54:38] A gross, gross state.

[54:40] Wow.

[54:40] They dug,

[54:40] they actually dug a hole

[54:42] in Jackson

[54:42] to get away from the sky

[54:43] because the sky was so thick

[54:45] it was pushing people down.

[54:46] So they dug a hole

[54:47] so that they could be like,

[54:48] whew,

[54:48] get the sky off my shoulders

[54:49] for a moment.

[54:50] Yeah, that's why,

[54:51] that's why,

Dan McCoy

[54:53] fuck.

[54:54] God damn it.

[54:55] No, work your way through this.

[54:56] That's why Johnny Cash

[54:57] and Jude Carter Cash

[54:58] were going to Jackson

[54:59] to get away from the sky.

[55:00] Continue.

Elliott Kalan

[55:02] Oh, well,

[55:02] they're talking about

[55:02] a different Jackson

[55:03] than that one.

[55:04] That's not Jackson Hole.

[55:05] Let's continue, Elliot.

Dan McCoy

[55:07] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[55:08] Ladies and gentlemen

[55:10] I submit.

Dan McCoy

[55:11] Oh, this has got,

[55:12] this has been,

Elliott Kalan

[55:13] this is a very,

[55:13] so this last final scene,

[55:14] he's in Wyoming,

[55:15] it's the Old West.

[55:16] Someone's in a saloon

[55:17] reading in a newspaper

[55:17] how the Titanic sank

[55:18] but a lady doctor

[55:19] saved 700 lives.

[55:21] That's, of course,

[55:21] Rebecca Hall's character.

[55:23] Someone hands a note

[55:24] to this man.

[55:25] I mean,

[55:25] you just call her a doctor.

[55:27] No, but the headline says

[55:28] lady doctor saved 700.

Stuart Wellington

[55:29] Then I'm talking

[55:30] to the newspaper.

Elliott Kalan

[55:32] I mean, yeah,

[55:32] I mean, yes,

[55:33] the past should have been

[55:34] better than ladies.

[55:37] I don't know

[55:37] who's at fault here.

[55:38] I assume it's history.

[55:40] So, someone hands

[55:42] a telegram to Moriarty

[55:43] that says,

[55:44] we know where you are

[55:45] and we're coming to get you,

[55:46] Holmes and Watson.

[55:47] He lowers his newspaper

[55:48] and looks at the bar

[55:49] where Holmes and Watson

[55:50] are standing there

[55:50] wearing cowboy hats

[55:52] but then someone walks by

[55:53] and they're gone

[55:53] and it cuts to credits

[55:55] and I'm like,

[55:56] wait,

[55:56] so is the final joke

[55:57] supposed to be

[55:58] that Moriarty lives

[55:58] forever in fear

[55:59] that Holmes and Watson

[56:00] are going to come kill him?

[56:01] Because it's not funny

[56:03] and they can't be

[56:04] setting up a sequel, right?

[56:06] So, what is this scene

[56:08] doing there?

[56:08] I submit to you.

[56:10] Yes.

[56:10] In a world where there are

[56:11] 51 minutes of deleted scenes

[56:13] with this movie,

[56:14] why didn't they just go ahead

[56:15] and make it 53?

[56:17] Dan Stewart,

[56:17] what are your theories?

[56:18] Why did they include

[56:19] this moment?

[56:19] I don't get it.

Dan McCoy

[56:20] My theory is,

[56:21] we've gone very long,

[56:22] let's go to final judgments

[56:23] about this movie.

[56:26] It's not a good theory.

[56:28] Not in the scientific sense,

[56:29] but,

[56:29] uh,

[56:30] is this a good bad movie,

[56:32] a bad bad movie,

[56:33] or a movie you kind of liked

[56:34] Elliot?

Elliott Kalan

[56:35] I think it's a bad bad movie.

[56:36] There are some good jokes in it,

[56:38] but,

[56:39] it gets me mad.

[56:40] One,

[56:40] it's just like,

[56:41] there's a lot of nothing

[56:41] in this movie.

[56:42] It's not funny enough

[56:42] for the amount of nothing in it,

[56:44] but also it gets me mad

[56:44] that they're like,

[56:45] hey,

[56:46] you like Sherlock Holmes?

[56:48] Sure.

[56:48] You like comedy?

[56:49] Of course I do.

[56:50] You like Rob Brydon?

[56:51] Yeah.

[56:52] You like Hugh Laurie?

[56:53] Who doesn't?

[56:54] You like Steve Coogan?

[56:55] He's maybe the funniest person

[56:56] there is.

[56:57] Guess what?

[56:58] They're not the stars

[56:59] of this movie.

[57:01] But you will see them,

[57:02] and it will taunt you

[57:03] with the movie

[57:03] that could have been.

[57:05] So I'm going to say

[57:05] bad bad for getting me

[57:06] all worked up

[57:07] over what could have happened.

Dan McCoy

[57:08] Yeah,

[57:09] I'll make it quick.

[57:10] For me,

[57:10] the problem is

[57:11] what I said before.

[57:13] I'm not saying

[57:13] you can't make

[57:14] a good Sherlock Holmes comedy,

[57:15] but you're bumping up

[57:17] against the idea

[57:17] of like,

[57:18] okay,

[57:18] this guy is simultaneously

[57:19] the most intelligent person

[57:21] in the world

[57:22] and a complete ass,

[57:24] but not like an ass

[57:26] that makes sense.

[57:27] You can be the most

[57:27] intelligent person

[57:28] in the world.

[57:28] And believe me,

[57:28] Dan knows what asses

[57:29] make sense.

[57:29] No,

[57:30] but you can be the most

[57:31] intelligent person

[57:33] in the world

[57:33] and still be an ass.

[57:34] You can be arrogant,

[57:35] you can be foolish,

[57:36] you can like,

[57:37] because you're so smart,

[57:38] you like,

[57:39] miss the obvious,

[57:40] but he's so smart

[57:42] and he,

[57:43] as Elliot said before,

[57:44] hits a glass case

[57:46] of bees

[57:47] with a cricket bat.

[57:47] So,

[57:48] the math just doesn't add up.

[57:49] Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[57:50] Yeah,

[57:51] I mean,

[57:51] it's a bad,

[57:51] bad movie.

[57:52] It feels like,

[57:53] you know,

[57:53] a couple performers

[57:54] put some effort in,

[57:57] but it feels like

[57:57] everyone else

[57:58] doesn't give a shit.

Elliott Kalan

[57:59] I mean,

[57:59] it's a big waste of talent.

[58:01] There's a lot of great

[58:02] performers in this

[58:03] and some of them

[58:03] are trying really hard,

[58:04] some of them are trying

[58:04] less hard,

[58:05] but give them,

[58:06] give them better stuff

[58:07] to do.

[58:07] Give them more to do.

[58:09] Give them,

[58:09] give them a dream.

[58:11] No.

[58:12] A dream.

[58:13] No.

[58:13] Oh no,

[58:14] it's not time for my song yet.

[58:15] Yeah,

[58:15] alright.

[58:17] If you're looking

John Hodgman

[58:23] for a new comedy podcast,

[58:25] why not try

[58:25] the Beef and Dairy Network?

[58:27] It won Best Comedy

[58:28] at the British Podcast Awards

[58:30] in 2017

[58:30] and 2018.

[58:33] Also,

[58:33] I'm all.

[58:34] There were no horses

[58:35] in this country

[58:36] until the mid to late 60s.

[58:38] Specialist bovine arse vet.

[58:39] Both of his eyes

[58:40] are squid's eyes.

S7

[58:41] Yogurt buffet.

[58:42] She was married.

[58:44] To a bacon farmer

[58:44] who saved her life.

John Hodgman

[58:46] Farm-raised

[58:47] snow leopard.

[58:50] She.

[58:51] Download it today.

[58:51] That's the Beef and Dairy

[58:53] Network Podcast

[58:53] from MaximumFun.org.

[58:56] Also,

[58:56] maybe start at episode one

[58:58] or weirdly,

[58:59] episode 36,

[59:00] which for some reason

[59:01] requires no knowledge

[59:01] of the rest of the show.

Elliott Kalan

[59:03] Hey everyone,

[59:04] it's I,

[59:05] John Hodgman

[59:06] of the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.

[59:08] And I,

[59:08] Elliot Kalin

[59:09] of the Flophouse Podcast.

John Hodgman

[59:10] And we've made

[59:11] a whole new podcast.

[59:13] A 12-episode

[59:14] special miniseries

[59:16] called I,

[59:17] Podius,

[59:18] in which we recap,

[59:19] discuss,

[59:20] and explore

[59:20] the very famous

[59:22] 1976 BBC miniseries

[59:24] about ancient Rome

[59:24] called I,

[59:26] Claudius.

[59:26] We've got incredible guests

[59:27] such as

[59:28] Gillian Jacobs,

[59:29] Paul F. Tompkins,

[59:30] as well as

[59:31] star of I,

[59:31] Claudius,

[59:32] Sir Patrick Stewart,

[59:34] and his son,

[59:35] non-Sir Daniel Stewart.

[59:36] Don't worry, Dan,

[59:37] you'll get there someday.

[59:38] I,

[59:38] Podius is the name

[59:39] of the show.

[59:40] Every week

[59:40] from MaximumFun.org

[59:42] for only 12 weeks.

[59:43] Get them at MaximumFun.org

[59:45] or wherever you get

[59:45] your podcasts.

Dan McCoy

[59:48] Now a quick word

[59:49] from Squarespace.

[59:51] Guys,

[59:53] you aren't chumps.

[59:54] You've been listening

[59:54] to podcasts.

[59:55] You know what Squarespace is.

[59:56] It's a way to build websites,

[59:58] to turn your cool idea

[1:00:01] into, you know,

[1:00:02] like something other people

[1:00:03] can see out in the world.

[1:00:04] You can blog

[1:00:05] or publish content,

[1:00:07] sell products and services

[1:00:08] of all kinds,

[1:00:09] and much more.

[1:00:11] And Squarespace

[1:00:12] helps you do this

[1:00:13] by giving you

[1:00:14] beautiful,

[1:00:15] customizable templates

[1:00:17] created by world-class designers.

[1:00:19] Oh,

[1:00:20] so many times

[1:00:21] have I wanted

[1:00:22] my designers

[1:00:23] to be world-class,

[1:00:24] but I'm like,

[1:00:24] I can't afford that.

[1:00:26] Well,

[1:00:26] go to Squarespace.

[1:00:27] Everything optimized

[1:00:29] for mobile

[1:00:29] right out of the box.

[1:00:32] Out of the box.

[1:00:33] This is a figurative box.

[1:00:36] Squarespace

[1:00:36] doesn't send you a box,

[1:00:38] to my knowledge.

[1:00:39] It is a internet company

[1:00:42] that helps you build websites,

[1:00:43] so an actual physical box

[1:00:45] would be extraneous,

[1:00:48] let's call it,

[1:00:49] but everything is optimized

[1:00:50] for mobile

[1:00:50] out of the figurative box.

[1:00:52] A new way

[1:00:52] to buy domains

[1:00:54] and choose

[1:00:54] from over 200 extensions,

[1:00:58] free and secure hosting.

[1:01:00] Hey,

[1:01:01] if you want to take

[1:01:02] advantage of this,

[1:01:04] go to

[1:01:05] squarespace.com

[1:01:06] slash flop

[1:01:07] for a free trial,

[1:01:09] and when you're ready

[1:01:09] to launch,

[1:01:10] use the offer code

[1:01:11] FLOP

[1:01:12] to save 10%

[1:01:14] off your first purchase

[1:01:16] of a website

[1:01:17] or domain.

[1:01:18] Guys,

[1:01:19] did I say

[1:01:19] 10% correctly?

[1:01:22] Here's the thing,

[1:01:22] without Elliot

[1:01:23] to make fun of me,

[1:01:25] I really can't tell.

[1:01:28] That's the problem.

[1:01:29] It sounds the same

[1:01:31] to my Midwestern ears.

[1:01:34] The other sponsor

[1:01:35] this week

[1:01:37] is Raycon.

[1:01:40] R-A-Y-C-O-N

[1:01:43] That's ray

[1:01:45] like the rays of the sun

[1:01:47] and con

[1:01:48] like the beginning

[1:01:49] of Connecticut.

[1:01:52] Look around you.

[1:01:53] It's a wireless world.

[1:01:55] Are there wires in you?

[1:01:56] Probably not,

[1:01:58] unless you're

[1:01:58] Michael Crichton's

[1:01:59] the terminal man.

[1:02:01] Everyone needs

[1:02:02] a great pair

[1:02:02] of wireless earbuds,

[1:02:04] but before you go

[1:02:05] dropping hundreds

[1:02:06] of dollars

[1:02:07] on a pair

[1:02:08] of earbuds,

[1:02:10] you need to

[1:02:11] check out

[1:02:11] the wireless earbuds

[1:02:13] from Raycon.

[1:02:15] They start

[1:02:15] at about half

[1:02:16] the price

[1:02:16] of any other

[1:02:17] premium wireless earbuds

[1:02:18] on the market,

[1:02:20] and they sound

[1:02:21] just as amazing

[1:02:22] as other top

[1:02:24] audio brands.

[1:02:25] Imagine

[1:02:25] if that last

[1:02:26] sentence had been

[1:02:27] coming out of

[1:02:28] Raycon earbuds

[1:02:29] into your ears.

[1:02:31] And Raycon's

[1:02:32] latest model,

[1:02:33] E25,

[1:02:34] is their best one yet

[1:02:35] with six hours

[1:02:37] of playtime,

[1:02:39] seamless Bluetooth

[1:02:40] pairing,

[1:02:41] more bass,

[1:02:42] and more

[1:02:43] compact design

[1:02:44] that gives you

[1:02:45] a nice

[1:02:45] noise-isolating

[1:02:47] fit.

[1:02:49] Guys,

[1:02:50] look,

[1:02:51] I don't want

[1:02:52] to dwell on the

[1:02:53] negatives.

[1:02:53] I was worried

[1:02:54] about wireless

[1:02:55] earbuds when

[1:02:56] they were a thing

[1:02:56] because I'm like,

[1:02:57] oh,

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:57] oh,

[1:02:58] man,

[1:02:58] they're going

[1:02:58] to fall

[1:02:59] out of my ears.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:00] I'm never

[1:03:00] going to,

[1:03:01] to,

[1:03:01] I'm going

[1:03:01] to lose

[1:03:01] them and

[1:03:02] to,

[1:03:02] what,

[1:03:03] oh,

[1:03:04] no,

[1:03:04] I'm an old

[1:03:04] man,

[1:03:05] I'm shaking

[1:03:05] my fist

[1:03:06] in a cloud,

[1:03:06] but I use

[1:03:07] these Raycon

[1:03:08] earbuds.

[1:03:09] They fit

[1:03:10] snugly.

[1:03:11] I'm never

[1:03:12] worried that

[1:03:13] to go

[1:03:14] a-tumbling.

[1:03:15] I can just

[1:03:16] tap my ear

[1:03:17] when I want

[1:03:18] my podcast

[1:03:18] to start back

[1:03:19] up or to

[1:03:20] pause it.

[1:03:20] I don't have

[1:03:23] my pocket,

[1:03:25] which is filled

[1:03:26] with,

[1:03:26] you know,

[1:03:27] jacks and,

[1:03:28] you know,

[1:03:31] a slingshot

[1:03:32] and probably

[1:03:34] a horny toad

[1:03:36] I found out

[1:03:37] when I was

[1:03:38] down by the

[1:03:38] creek.

[1:03:39] I don't want,

[1:03:40] I don't need

[1:03:41] to do any

[1:03:41] of that anymore.

[1:03:42] I have to

[1:03:43] fish anything

[1:03:43] out of my

[1:03:44] pocket,

[1:03:44] including

[1:03:45] earbuds with

[1:03:46] tangled wires.

[1:03:48] Oh my

[1:03:49] God,

[1:03:50] how they

[1:03:50] get tangled.

[1:03:51] You're just

[1:03:51] walking around.

[1:03:52] How does

[1:03:52] it happen?

[1:03:53] Only God

[1:03:54] knows for

[1:03:55] sure.

[1:03:57] Now's the

[1:03:58] time to get

[1:04:01] the latest

[1:04:01] and greatest

[1:04:02] from Raycon.

[1:04:04] Get 15%

[1:04:05] off your

[1:04:05] order at

[1:04:07] buyraycon.com

[1:04:09] slash

[1:04:09] flophouse.

[1:04:10] That's

[1:04:12] slash flophouse

[1:04:14] for 15%

[1:04:15] off Raycon

[1:04:16] wireless earbuds.

[1:04:21] slash

[1:04:22] flophouse.

[1:04:23] And now

[1:04:24] back to the

[1:04:25] movie that

[1:04:26] personally offended

[1:04:27] me as a

[1:04:28] Sherlock Holmes

[1:04:29] fan,

[1:04:29] although I

[1:04:30] guess by

[1:04:30] this time in

[1:04:31] the podcast

[1:04:32] we're moving

[1:04:32] on to

[1:04:34] interaction with

[1:04:35] the audience.

[1:04:36] Holmes and

[1:04:37] Watson,

[1:04:38] enjoy the

[1:04:39] live show.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:40] Moving

[1:04:41] on.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:42] Okay,

[1:04:43] what do we

[1:04:43] do now?

[1:04:44] Now we

[1:04:45] talk to

[1:04:46] people who

[1:04:46] might have

[1:04:46] questions in

[1:04:47] the audience.

[1:04:48] we have

[1:04:49] gone longer

[1:04:49] than we

[1:04:50] normally do

[1:04:50] because we

[1:04:51] have felt

[1:04:52] way too

[1:04:53] comfortable

[1:04:53] with the

[1:04:54] wide open

[1:04:55] heart out

[1:04:56] that this

[1:04:57] theater has

[1:04:57] given us.

[1:04:58] Dan,

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:58] I was going

[1:04:58] to go longer

[1:04:59] than we

[1:04:59] normally do

[1:05:00] regardless of

[1:05:01] what they

[1:05:01] told us.

[1:05:02] There's no

[1:05:03] internal clock

[1:05:03] in this guy.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:05] Fair.

[1:05:06] But if

[1:05:07] people would

[1:05:07] like to

[1:05:08] ask questions,

[1:05:08] you do not

[1:05:09] have to.

[1:05:09] You do not

[1:05:09] feel that you

[1:05:10] must unless

[1:05:11] you're moved

[1:05:11] to the good

[1:05:12] question.

[1:05:12] there are

[1:05:13] two

[1:05:14] microphones

[1:05:15] on either

[1:05:16] side of

[1:05:16] the stage.

[1:05:16] There's a

[1:05:16] microphone over

[1:05:17] there.

[1:05:17] There's a

[1:05:17] microphone over

[1:05:18] there.

[1:05:19] And you

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:19] know what?

[1:05:20] We'd love to

[1:05:20] hear these

[1:05:20] questions,

[1:05:21] but Dan,

[1:05:22] I thought

[1:05:22] first,

[1:05:23] you know,

[1:05:23] I had a

[1:05:23] dream last

[1:05:24] night.

[1:05:24] I thought

[1:05:25] I might

[1:05:25] tell everybody

[1:05:26] about it.

[1:05:29] I dreamed

[1:05:30] last night

[1:05:31] I was on a

[1:05:32] plane to

[1:05:32] Portland

[1:05:33] and by

[1:05:35] some chance

[1:05:36] I was

[1:05:36] standing on

[1:05:37] a stage.

[1:05:37] And there

[1:05:40] I stood

[1:05:41] and I

[1:05:42] said,

[1:05:43] I'm going to

[1:05:43] waste some

[1:05:43] time with

[1:05:44] the song.

[1:05:45] But my

[1:05:46] co-hosts

[1:05:47] there were

[1:05:47] filling up

[1:05:48] with rage

[1:05:50] and my

[1:05:51] co-host

[1:05:52] said,

[1:05:52] shut up,

[1:05:53] shut up and

[1:05:53] answer the

[1:05:54] questions.

[1:05:54] My co-host

[1:05:55] said,

[1:05:55] shut up,

[1:05:57] Because the

[1:05:57] people are

[1:05:58] getting mad

[1:05:58] and your

[1:05:59] singing is

[1:05:59] giving them

[1:06:00] indigestion.

[1:06:00] Shut up,

[1:06:01] shut up,

[1:06:03] Thank you.

[1:06:06] You know,

[1:06:06] that song

Dan McCoy

[1:06:09] irritates me

[1:06:10] on two

[1:06:10] levels.

[1:06:11] Okay,

[1:06:11] hang on,

[1:06:12] tell me.

[1:06:13] One is so

[1:06:13] good.

[1:06:14] Just the

[1:06:14] normal level

[1:06:15] of the

[1:06:15] fact that

[1:06:16] you're

[1:06:16] singing a

[1:06:16] song.

[1:06:17] And number

[1:06:17] two,

[1:06:18] I love

[1:06:19] that song.

[1:06:19] I wish I

[1:06:19] could sing

[1:06:20] it in a

[1:06:21] musical.

[1:06:21] Not that

[1:06:21] song,

[1:06:22] the one

[1:06:22] you're

[1:06:23] referencing.

[1:06:25] Oh,

[1:06:25] yeah,

[1:06:25] yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:26] You know,

[1:06:26] Dan,

[1:06:27] I had another

[1:06:27] dream that

[1:06:27] I'll tell

[1:06:27] you about.

[1:06:28] Okay.

[1:06:29] I dreamed

[1:06:30] a dream

[1:06:31] of this

[1:06:32] whole

[1:06:32] thing.

[1:06:34] But in

[1:06:35] the dream

[1:06:35] we all

[1:06:36] were

[1:06:36] naked.

[1:06:39] But it

[1:06:39] was cool,

[1:06:40] it wasn't

[1:06:41] a thing.

[1:06:43] But boy,

[1:06:44] oh boy,

[1:06:45] Dan,

[1:06:45] was your

[1:06:45] face red.

[1:06:47] I don't

[1:06:48] know how

[1:06:48] the rest

[1:06:48] of that

[1:06:48] song goes.

[1:06:49] I've never

[1:06:49] seen

[1:06:49] Les Mis.

[1:06:51] Someday.

[1:06:51] I've got so

[1:06:52] much stuff

[1:06:53] going on.

[1:06:53] Something about

[1:06:53] tigers coming

[1:06:54] at night,

[1:06:54] you know,

[1:06:55] whatever.

[1:06:55] Somebody what?

[1:06:57] Wait,

[1:06:59] a tiger's

[1:06:59] coming at night?

[1:07:00] Yeah,

[1:07:00] something like

[1:07:00] that,

[1:07:01] right?

[1:07:01] I've got to

[1:07:01] see this

[1:07:02] movie.

[1:07:02] Everyone,

[1:07:02] everyone,

[1:07:03] sing together.

[1:07:05] Okay,

[1:07:05] they should

[1:07:06] call it

[1:07:06] movie Liz

Dan McCoy

[1:07:06] Tigers.

[1:07:07] Okay,

[1:07:08] let's start

[1:07:08] with a question

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:09] over here.

[1:07:10] Oh,

[1:07:10] wait,

[1:07:10] let me just

[1:07:10] say one

[1:07:11] thing.

[1:07:12] Don't worry

[1:07:13] about starting

[1:07:15] your question

[1:07:15] by telling

[1:07:16] us how much

[1:07:17] you love

[1:07:18] the show.

[1:07:18] We know

[1:07:18] it.

[1:07:18] Thanks so

[1:07:19] much for

[1:07:19] being here.

[1:07:19] We really

[1:07:20] appreciate it.

[1:07:20] So just

[1:07:21] take it for

[1:07:21] granted.

[1:07:21] We know

[1:07:22] that already.

[1:07:22] All right,

[1:07:23] answer your

[1:07:23] question.

S5

[1:07:23] Hi,

[1:07:24] my name's

[1:07:25] Harley.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:25] Hello.

[1:07:26] Hello.

S5

[1:07:27] I know

[1:07:28] that you

[1:07:28] don't want

[1:07:28] me to talk

[1:07:28] about it,

[1:07:29] but I just

[1:07:29] want to say

[1:07:29] to Stuart

[1:07:30] that me

[1:07:30] and my

[1:07:31] buddy over

[1:07:31] there had

[1:07:32] a great

[1:07:32] time with

[1:07:33] the head

[1:07:34] of the

[1:07:34] Invisible

[1:07:34] Freak.

[1:07:35] Yay.

[1:07:36] And we

[1:07:37] worked on

[1:07:37] that and

[1:07:37] it was

[1:07:38] great.

[1:07:38] Anyway,

[1:07:38] so my

[1:07:39] question.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:40] I'll let

[1:07:40] that one

[1:07:40] pass.

[1:07:40] That's

[1:07:41] all right.

S5

[1:07:42] So my

[1:07:43] question is

[1:07:44] both

[1:07:45] calling out

[1:07:47] and legitimately

[1:07:48] asking my

[1:07:49] hero Elliot

[1:07:49] who is

[1:07:51] falling.

[1:07:51] I don't

[1:07:52] like the

[1:07:52] calling out

[1:07:52] part.

[1:07:54] So I

[1:07:55] am kind

[1:07:56] of like

[1:07:56] I really

[1:07:57] like animation.

[1:07:58] That's my

[1:07:58] favorite kind

[1:07:58] of movie.

[1:07:59] And when

[1:07:59] me and my

[1:08:00] friend watched

[1:08:01] the emoji

[1:08:01] movie,

[1:08:01] we felt

[1:08:02] that this

[1:08:02] is possibly

[1:08:03] one of the

[1:08:04] worst movies

[1:08:05] I've ever

[1:08:05] seen.

[1:08:05] I feel

[1:08:06] very strongly

[1:08:06] about that.

[1:08:08] And I

[1:08:08] was like,

[1:08:08] oh boy,

[1:08:09] I can't

[1:08:09] wait for the

[1:08:09] floppers to

[1:08:10] really dig

[1:08:10] their teeth

[1:08:11] in this

[1:08:11] one.

[1:08:12] And when

[1:08:12] I watched

[1:08:12] your episode,

[1:08:13] I was

[1:08:13] brokenhearted

[1:08:14] to see my

[1:08:15] own favorite

[1:08:16] Elliot Kalin

[1:08:17] not get that

[1:08:18] mad.

[1:08:19] He wasn't

[1:08:19] that mad

[1:08:20] and he

[1:08:20] wasn't that

[1:08:21] angry about

[1:08:21] it.

[1:08:22] And I

[1:08:22] was like,

[1:08:22] Elliot,

[1:08:22] you were

[1:08:23] supposed to

[1:08:23] be my

[1:08:23] friend in

[1:08:24] this.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:25] Elliot,

[1:08:26] how do

[1:08:26] you explain

[1:08:27] your presidency

[1:08:28] of the

[1:08:28] emoji movie

[1:08:29] fan?

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:31] Hey,

[1:08:31] look,

[1:08:32] a guy,

[1:08:33] you know,

[1:08:33] T.J.

[1:08:34] Miller is

[1:08:34] such a

[1:08:34] great guy.

[1:08:35] You know,

[1:08:35] I just

[1:08:35] can't

[1:08:35] You know

[1:08:39] what I

[1:08:39] think it

[1:08:40] was?

[1:08:40] I even

[1:08:41] having to

[1:08:41] watch that

[1:08:42] movie for

[1:08:42] the

[1:08:42] flop

[1:08:42] house,

[1:08:42] I was

[1:08:43] so relieved

[1:08:43] knowing that

[1:08:44] I did not

[1:08:45] have to take

[1:08:45] my son to

[1:08:45] go in the

[1:08:46] theaters and

[1:08:47] that he would

[1:08:47] never see it

[1:08:48] and never ask me

[1:08:49] to see it with

[1:08:50] him.

[1:08:50] I was like,

[1:08:51] you know what?

[1:08:52] I dodged a big

[1:08:53] bullet here.

[1:08:54] A Mario

[1:08:55] Brothers sized

[1:08:56] bullet.

[1:08:56] Those really big

[1:08:57] ones.

[1:08:58] But it is a piece

[1:08:59] of garbage.

[1:09:00] It's a terrible

[1:09:00] movie.

[1:09:01] So next time

[1:09:02] I'll be angrier.

[1:09:03] I promise.

S5

[1:09:04] But this is

[1:09:04] my actual

[1:09:05] question for

[1:09:06] all the

[1:09:06] floppers in

[1:09:07] Elliot.

[1:09:07] Was there

[1:09:08] ever a movie

[1:09:09] you saw that

[1:09:10] you were really

[1:09:11] excited to hear

[1:09:12] like some,

[1:09:13] like if you had

[1:09:13] a critic that

[1:09:14] you really liked

[1:09:15] or just like a

[1:09:15] friend whose

[1:09:16] opinion you

[1:09:16] really respected

[1:09:17] and you were

[1:09:17] really excited to

[1:09:19] hear what they

[1:09:19] had to say

[1:09:19] about it but

[1:09:20] it turned out

[1:09:20] to be the

[1:09:21] exact opposite

[1:09:21] or just

[1:09:22] straight up

[1:09:22] not what

[1:09:23] you were

[1:09:23] expecting.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:24] I mean when

[1:09:25] I was a

[1:09:26] kid I read

[1:09:28] I was a weird

[1:09:29] kid.

[1:09:30] What a surprise.

[1:09:31] I was a weird

[1:09:32] kid.

[1:09:32] I read a lot

[1:09:33] of Roger Ebert's

[1:09:34] reviews.

[1:09:35] Like I just

[1:09:36] like would read

[1:09:36] his yearbooks

[1:09:37] cover to cover

[1:09:38] and I found

[1:09:40] him to be a

[1:09:41] very fun writer

[1:09:42] on movies but

[1:09:43] he had

[1:09:43] occasionally

[1:09:44] really really

[1:09:45] baffling views

[1:09:46] on things.

[1:09:47] Like he hated

[1:09:48] Blue Velvet

[1:09:49] for one.

[1:09:50] But also like

[1:09:51] Raising Arizona

[1:09:52] he gave like a

[1:09:53] one and a half

[1:09:54] star review

[1:09:54] to.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:56] There were

[1:09:57] gasps from the

[1:09:58] audience.

[1:09:59] Rightfully so

[1:10:00] because it's

[1:10:00] fucking Raising

[1:10:01] Arizona.

[1:10:02] Yeah it's a

[1:10:02] great movie.

[1:10:03] It's so

[1:10:03] amazing.

[1:10:04] Who knows how

[1:10:04] he was feeling

[1:10:05] that day.

[1:10:05] You know I

[1:10:06] think it was

[1:10:07] Robert Warshaw

[1:10:08] who talks about

[1:10:08] like you have

[1:10:09] an immediate

[1:10:10] experience of a

[1:10:11] movie and you

[1:10:12] can't always

[1:10:12] control that and

[1:10:13] it's something

[1:10:14] that has to be

[1:10:14] visceral you know.

[1:10:15] Right but like

[1:10:16] so maybe he was

[1:10:16] not feeling well

[1:10:17] that day I

[1:10:17] don't know.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:18] But if I

[1:10:19] recall his review

[1:10:20] well enough

[1:10:21] like it's one

[1:10:23] of those cases

[1:10:23] where he has

[1:10:24] an objection

[1:10:25] that you're

[1:10:25] like how

[1:10:26] is that your

[1:10:26] thing.

[1:10:27] Like he said

[1:10:28] something like

[1:10:28] oh I'm willing

[1:10:30] to believe in

[1:10:30] this modern day

[1:10:31] there are people

[1:10:32] who have

[1:10:32] interesting and

[1:10:33] flamboyant

[1:10:34] ways of

[1:10:35] speaking but

[1:10:37] everyone in

[1:10:38] Raising Arizona

[1:10:39] talks in such a

[1:10:40] mannered way

[1:10:41] like I cannot

[1:10:42] believe.

[1:10:42] Like it's just

[1:10:43] like that's part

[1:10:44] of what's wonderful

[1:10:45] about that movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:46] Well I could

[1:10:46] see how I

[1:10:47] mean I don't

[1:10:48] know why I'm

[1:10:48] defending him.

[1:10:49] I love Raising

[1:10:49] Arizona but I

[1:10:50] think he's wrong

[1:10:50] but I could see

[1:10:51] how in a world

[1:10:52] where the Coen

[1:10:53] brothers are not

[1:10:53] yet the Coen

[1:10:54] brothers.

[1:10:55] Right.

[1:10:55] If you don't go

[1:10:55] into the movie

[1:10:56] knowing they're

[1:10:57] all going to

[1:10:57] talk in a

[1:10:57] highfalutin

[1:10:58] manner that you

[1:10:59] could get tired

[1:10:59] of it.

[1:11:00] The same way

[1:11:00] that like before

[1:11:01] it was like

[1:11:02] before Quentin

[1:11:02] Tarantino was

[1:11:03] Quentin Tarantino

[1:11:03] it was like

[1:11:04] ugh the long

[1:11:05] speeches about

[1:11:06] stuff that's not

[1:11:07] related to the

[1:11:08] movie and it's

[1:11:09] like that's what

[1:11:10] he does everybody

[1:11:10] like now you go

[1:11:11] in and you know

[1:11:12] what's going to

[1:11:12] happen.

[1:11:12] I don't know.

[1:11:13] Stu what do you

[1:11:13] think?

[1:11:14] Was it when

[1:11:14] Stuart Gordon

[1:11:15] said that the

[1:11:16] Kessel Freak

[1:11:16] didn't rip his

[1:11:17] own ding dong?

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:19] I mean that

[1:11:20] I mean I don't

[1:11:21] know why you

[1:11:22] bring that up

[1:11:23] to a bunch of

[1:11:23] people.

[1:11:25] I remember I

[1:11:28] think one of my

[1:11:28] favorite experiences

[1:11:29] with a movie

[1:11:30] review was when

[1:11:32] Birdman had come

[1:11:33] out and there

[1:11:34] was a lot of

[1:11:34] like buzz about

[1:11:36] like how it was

[1:11:37] you know possible

[1:11:38] Oscar buzz and

[1:11:39] it I remember

[1:11:40] going over to

[1:11:41] the Dissolve

[1:11:42] while it was

[1:11:42] still around and

[1:11:43] pulling up Scott

[1:11:44] Tobias' review and

[1:11:45] I'm like I can't

[1:11:46] wait to see what

[1:11:46] he says and the

[1:11:47] first line of the

[1:11:48] review is Alejandro

[1:11:50] Gonzalez Inarritu

[1:11:51] is a pretentious

[1:11:52] fraud and I was

[1:11:54] like what?

[1:11:56] Like I put down

[1:11:57] my phone like it

[1:11:58] might burn my

[1:11:59] hand.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:01] That was fun.

[1:12:02] I don't like that

[1:12:02] movie.

[1:12:03] Yeah.

[1:12:04] I don't know if

[1:12:05] we totally answered

[1:12:05] your question but

[1:12:06] thank you for being

[1:12:06] here.

[1:12:07] I'm glad that

S5

[1:12:08] one of the

[1:12:08] floppers doesn't

[1:12:09] like Birdman

[1:12:10] because I'm like

[1:12:10] one of the only

[1:12:10] people I know

[1:12:11] who doesn't like

[1:12:11] here.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:13] We're united in

[1:12:14] dislike of a bad

[1:12:15] movie.

[1:12:16] Let's move over to

[1:12:17] the other part of

[1:12:18] it.

[1:12:18] Let's go to the

[1:12:19] other mic.

[1:12:20] Hey everybody.

[1:12:21] It's a question

[1:12:21] from Rob

[1:12:22] Schubert.

[1:12:23] First time,

[1:12:23] long time.

[1:12:25] So Stuart has

[1:12:26] expressed appreciation

[1:12:27] for ravishing Rick

[1:12:28] Rude's airbrushed

[1:12:29] tights in the past.

[1:12:30] Sure, yeah.

[1:12:31] One of the best heels

[1:12:33] of wrestling history.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:34] Absolutely, yes.

[1:12:35] But he didn't

[1:12:36] always airbrush

[1:12:36] hot ladies

[1:12:37] onto them.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:38] Sometimes he

[1:12:39] would airbrush

[1:12:39] his rival and

[1:12:40] what he was

[1:12:41] going to take

[1:12:41] from them.

[1:12:42] Like the

[1:12:43] Intercontinental

[1:12:43] Championship.

[1:12:45] So, if the

[1:12:46] floppers were to

[1:12:47] airbrush some

[1:12:48] tights to

[1:12:49] intimidate a

[1:12:50] rival, who

[1:12:51] would it be

[1:12:52] and what would

[1:12:53] you take from

[1:12:53] them?

[1:12:54] Well, we know

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:56] you would take

[1:12:57] Ineratu's two

[1:12:58] two-year-in-a-row

[1:12:59] Best Director

[1:12:59] Academy Awards.

[1:13:00] Certainly.

[1:13:04] Oh, boy.

[1:13:06] So, Dan,

[1:13:06] who's your

[1:13:06] archenemy?

[1:13:08] Aging?

[1:13:09] Yeah.

[1:13:11] It's all our

[1:13:12] enemy.

[1:13:13] We don't want

[1:13:14] to become

[1:13:14] Yoda's.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:17] Yes, when I

[1:13:17] take my shirt

[1:13:18] off and I

[1:13:18] look in the

[1:13:18] mirror, aging

[1:13:19] is definitely...

[1:13:20] What is it?

[1:13:22] Why don't you

[1:13:22] go?

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:23] I don't know.

[1:13:24] I don't have

[1:13:24] any enemies.

[1:13:25] I love

[1:13:25] everybody.

[1:13:27] That's not

[1:13:27] true.

[1:13:27] I'm filled

[1:13:28] with hate.

[1:13:29] It's hard

[1:13:30] for me to

[1:13:30] narrow it

[1:13:31] down to

[1:13:31] just one

[1:13:32] thing I

[1:13:32] can airbrush

[1:13:33] onto tights.

[1:13:34] I guess...

[1:13:35] I guess I

[1:13:38] gotta airbrush

[1:13:39] John Wilkes

[1:13:40] Booth.

[1:13:43] So I can...

[1:13:44] Because I'm

[1:13:45] coming for

[1:13:45] him.

[1:13:46] Because he's

[1:13:46] the greatest

[1:13:47] monster in

[1:13:48] American history.

[1:13:49] That can't

[1:13:50] be true.

[1:13:50] Well, no.

[1:13:51] Well, no.

[1:13:53] I guess...

[1:13:53] Well, it's

[1:13:54] so...

[1:13:54] I mean, there's

[1:13:55] been so many

[1:13:56] monsters.

John Hodgman

[1:13:57] Yeah.

[1:13:57] And not the

[1:13:58] fun kind of

[1:13:58] monsters.

[1:14:01] Stuart.

[1:14:01] Dan?

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:03] What?

[1:14:04] I'm looking at

[1:14:05] you.

[1:14:05] We already

[1:14:06] talked about how

[1:14:06] I was going to

[1:14:07] take In Your

[1:14:07] Readers to

[1:14:08] Academy Awards.

[1:14:09] I mean, or I

[1:14:10] could take...

[1:14:10] Alright, that's

[1:14:11] fine.

[1:14:11] Whatever.

[1:14:12] Or I could

[1:14:12] take John

[1:14:14] Hodgman's

[1:14:14] memory putty.

[1:14:15] He likes to

[1:14:15] stick on shit

[1:14:16] all the time.

[1:14:17] like...

Dan McCoy

[1:14:17] I'm standing

[1:14:18] here on stage

[1:14:19] trying to think

[1:14:20] of is there an

[1:14:21] enemy of butts?

[1:14:23] And...

[1:14:23] Yeah.

[1:14:24] Pants?

[1:14:24] I'm not sure

[1:14:24] there is.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:25] Like Levi Strauss.

[1:14:27] Yeah, that's

[1:14:28] right.

[1:14:28] Or like

[1:14:29] Lulu Lemon?

[1:14:31] Right, yeah.

[1:14:32] Sure, why not

[1:14:32] that?

[1:14:33] Alright, let's

[1:14:33] move on.

[1:14:35] Thank you for the

[1:14:35] question.

[1:14:36] You stumped us.

[1:14:37] This is a new

[1:14:38] game called

[1:14:38] Stump the

[1:14:39] Floppers.

[1:14:39] You just won

[1:14:40] it.

[1:14:41] Over here.

[1:14:41] Yes.

John Hodgman

[1:14:42] Alright, quick

[1:14:43] question here.

[1:14:45] So, I have a

[1:14:48] question.

[1:14:49] Some movies have

[1:14:50] a poor or just

[1:14:51] straight up awful

[1:14:52] intro or 15

[1:14:53] minutes, but have

[1:14:55] a totally great

[1:14:57] movie that redeems

[1:14:58] itself.

[1:14:59] What is a film

[1:15:00] that starts out

[1:15:01] poor that you

[1:15:02] like that totally

[1:15:03] redeems itself

[1:15:04] later on?

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:06] That's a good

[1:15:06] question because

[1:15:07] usually it's the

[1:15:07] endings where

[1:15:08] movies fall

[1:15:08] apart.

[1:15:11] I'm sure

[1:15:12] there's movies

[1:15:12] that have

[1:15:13] unnecessary

[1:15:15] prologues or

[1:15:16] bad prologues.

[1:15:18] Oh, yeah, I

[1:15:19] got one.

[1:15:19] Were you going

[1:15:20] to say up?

Dan McCoy

[1:15:20] John Carter, the

[1:15:21] John Carter movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:22] Oh, yeah, that's

[1:15:22] a very good point.

[1:15:23] It opens on

[1:15:24] Mars for some

[1:15:24] crazy reason.

[1:15:26] It should open

[1:15:26] on Earth.

[1:15:27] And the rest of

[1:15:28] the movie's great.

[1:15:29] I like it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:29] Well, the fact

[1:15:31] that that movie has

[1:15:31] like three openings

[1:15:32] basically.

[1:15:33] Yeah, it's like

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:34] so many nested

[1:15:35] narrative sequences

[1:15:36] it doesn't make

[1:15:36] any sense.

[1:15:37] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:38] I'm going to

[1:15:38] take that answer

[1:15:39] too.

[1:15:39] Okay, cool.

[1:15:41] Wow.

[1:15:43] Leaving me?

[1:15:43] I'm out to

[1:15:44] drive.

[1:15:45] You could also

[1:15:45] jump on the

[1:15:46] bandwagon.

[1:15:47] There's room in

[1:15:47] this tub for

[1:15:48] three men.

[1:15:50] There's room on

[1:15:50] this baby for

Dan McCoy

[1:15:51] three men.

[1:15:55] There's a

[1:15:55] butcher, there's a

[1:15:56] baker, there's a

[1:15:57] can of stick maker

[1:15:57] on that already.

[1:15:58] I can't.

[1:16:00] No, the only

[1:16:01] thing that's coming

[1:16:02] to mind right

[1:16:03] now is, you

[1:16:06] know, I'm, I

[1:16:07] don't know when

[1:16:07] this happened

[1:16:08] because like, I'm

[1:16:10] a fan of comics

[1:16:11] but I'm not

[1:16:12] necessarily like a

[1:16:12] huge superhero

[1:16:15] comics fan growing

[1:16:16] up.

[1:16:16] But I, but I,

[1:16:17] but over the

[1:16:18] years because

[1:16:19] Marvel has been

[1:16:20] so insidiously

[1:16:22] good at making

[1:16:23] me care about the

[1:16:24] characters they've

[1:16:25] introduced, like I

[1:16:26] became a very big

[1:16:27] fan of all those

[1:16:28] Marvel movies in a

[1:16:29] way that like kind

[1:16:30] of somewhere deep

[1:16:31] in my heart as like

[1:16:32] a film buff, I'm

[1:16:33] like you shouldn't

[1:16:34] like these as much

[1:16:35] as you do, but like

[1:16:35] I really do like

[1:16:36] them very much.

[1:16:37] And so I went

[1:16:40] with my girlfriend

[1:16:41] to Captain Marvel

[1:16:43] and she.

[1:16:44] You had trouble

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:45] remembering her

[1:16:45] rank?

[1:16:47] Corporal Marvel.

[1:16:50] Midshipman Marvel?

Dan McCoy

[1:16:53] But she like is not

[1:16:54] like an MCU person.

[1:16:55] She's seen like three

[1:16:56] or four of them.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:58] I love that we live

[1:16:59] in a world where you're

[1:17:00] not considered a big

[1:17:00] fan of a series if

[1:17:01] you've only seen three

[1:17:02] or four of them.

[1:17:04] I've only spent eight

[1:17:05] to ten hours with

[1:17:06] these movies.

[1:17:06] I'm not a big fan.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:08] Yeah.

[1:17:08] That's crazy.

[1:17:09] The point is just

[1:17:10] that like I watched

[1:17:11] Captain Marvel.

[1:17:11] I think Captain Marvel

[1:17:12] was a lot of fun,

[1:17:13] but the movie does

[1:17:15] start with a lot

[1:17:17] of outer space bullshit.

[1:17:18] Uh-huh.

[1:17:19] And I was sitting

[1:17:20] next to someone

[1:17:21] who's not necessarily

[1:17:21] like primed for

[1:17:23] outer space bullshit

[1:17:24] in the way that I'm

[1:17:25] like outer space

[1:17:25] bullshit is fine.

[1:17:26] I'm like am I

[1:17:28] going to have to

[1:17:28] apologize that I

[1:17:29] made her sit through

[1:17:30] all this outer space

[1:17:31] bullshit before we get

[1:17:32] to the fun part?

[1:17:32] But like thankfully

[1:17:33] like that was not

[1:17:34] the case.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:34] You didn't make the

[1:17:35] movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:35] It wasn't your choice.

[1:17:36] No, it's true.

[1:17:37] But you reminded me of

[1:17:38] I would say the movie

[1:17:39] itself doesn't totally

[1:17:39] redeem itself, but the

[1:17:41] movie Dune has some

[1:17:42] good stuff in it.

[1:17:43] But to get to it

[1:17:44] first you have to

[1:17:45] slog through that

[1:17:45] opening narration

[1:17:46] where it's like why

[1:17:47] are you telling me

[1:17:48] about the robot

[1:17:49] rebellion?

[1:17:50] Like the book Dune

[1:17:51] doesn't have anything

[1:17:51] about that.

[1:17:52] Like I don't care

[1:17:53] how it got to here.

[1:17:55] Like there's warring

[1:17:56] houses that want this

[1:17:57] planet full of spice.

[1:17:58] That's all we need

[1:17:58] to know.

[1:17:59] I don't need to know

[1:17:59] about everything that

[1:18:00] happened between now

[1:18:01] and then.

[1:18:02] That's nuts.

[1:18:03] Enough.

John Hodgman

[1:18:04] Anyway, Dune,

[1:18:06] you've been served.

[1:18:07] Dune, get the fuck

[1:18:09] out of here.

[1:18:10] Take your shine box

[1:18:11] and go home, Dune.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:13] I guess that's the

[1:18:14] reverse order.

[1:18:14] He's supposed to go

[1:18:15] home and get his

[1:18:16] shine box.

[1:18:16] But anyway, over

[1:18:17] there.

[1:18:17] For the purposes of

[1:18:18] shining.

John Hodgman

[1:18:19] You guys showed up

[1:18:20] in my life when I

[1:18:21] really needed you

[1:18:22] and I really

[1:18:25] appreciate that.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:26] No, you're welcome.

[1:18:26] Sorry for laughing.

[1:18:28] I was just imagining

[1:18:28] it says like sort of

[1:18:29] touched by an angel

[1:18:30] figure.

John Hodgman

[1:18:33] So which Marvel

[1:18:34] movies actually lived

[1:18:36] up to the hype for

[1:18:37] you?

[1:18:37] Oh, wow.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:39] I'm such an easy audience

[1:18:41] for that stuff.

[1:18:42] I used to read a lot of

[1:18:43] superhero comics and I

[1:18:44] don't.

[1:18:44] So I kind of like all

[1:18:46] of them.

[1:18:46] But I don't know.

[1:18:47] Like I never read a lot

[1:18:49] of Captain America

[1:18:50] comics.

[1:18:51] But those seem to be the

[1:18:52] movies I like the best.

[1:18:54] So I'll say those.

[1:18:55] I like those.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:56] I mean, I don't know if

[1:18:57] as a nerd I really enjoy

[1:19:01] ranking Marvel movies.

[1:19:03] I mean, I like the

[1:19:08] first Guardians of the

[1:19:09] Galaxy.

[1:19:10] I like Winter Soldier.

[1:19:12] I like Spider-Man

[1:19:13] Homecoming very much.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:14] I think those are my

[1:19:14] pretty safe answers.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:16] Yeah.

[1:19:16] Well, I don't.

[1:19:17] Okay.

[1:19:18] For the Dark World.

[1:19:20] I'm going to go

[1:19:20] where?

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:22] What the fuck do you

[1:19:23] want, Stuart?

[1:19:23] Wow.

[1:19:24] Out on a limb.

[1:19:25] Out on a bird on a

[1:19:26] wire over here.

[1:19:28] Yeah.

[1:19:28] I mean, I thought

[1:19:30] Endgame lived up to

[1:19:31] everything I wanted it

[1:19:32] to be pretty much.

[1:19:33] And that one had the

[1:19:33] most pressure on it

[1:19:34] for me.

[1:19:35] Because it's like,

[1:19:37] well, I've spent over

[1:19:39] ten years, I think,

[1:19:40] with these characters.

[1:19:41] And in my comic book

[1:19:43] reading life, I've spent

[1:19:44] thirty years with these

[1:19:45] characters.

[1:19:46] So, like, can I spoil

[1:19:47] things about the movie

[1:19:48] or is it still too

[1:19:49] early?

[1:19:49] No.

[1:19:50] Okay, I won't say

[1:19:50] anything about this

[1:19:51] movie.

[1:19:51] It's out of the

[1:19:52] theaters, I think.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:54] There's no possible

[1:19:55] way that movie's out

[1:19:56] of the theaters.

[1:19:57] Okay, that's true.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:57] This is something, and

[1:19:58] I've talked about

[1:19:59] this before, I think,

[1:19:59] on either our podcast

[1:20:01] or other podcasts.

[1:20:01] It really inspires me

[1:20:02] that America was

[1:20:03] divided.

[1:20:04] And it's become

[1:20:04] united around the

[1:20:05] concept of no

[1:20:06] spoilers.

[1:20:07] I feel like not

[1:20:09] since that dark day

[1:20:10] 18 years ago has

[1:20:12] America felt such a

[1:20:13] unified sense of

[1:20:14] purpose than that we

[1:20:15] must not spoil these

[1:20:16] science fiction and

[1:20:16] fantasy-related

[1:20:17] products.

[1:20:18] But it was like,

[1:20:20] this thing better

[1:20:20] happen in the movie,

[1:20:21] and then it did.

[1:20:22] So that one, I was

[1:20:23] like ready to be

[1:20:25] disappointed.

[1:20:26] And yet, I walked

[1:20:26] out singing as happy

[1:20:28] a tune I can after

[1:20:29] what happened to some

[1:20:30] of those characters.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:32] Names not mentioned.

[1:20:33] Names redacted.

[1:20:35] Hi.

S6

[1:20:37] So when I was a kid,

[1:20:39] the scary hallucinations

[1:20:40] from young Sherlock Holmes

[1:20:42] really scared me.

[1:20:43] But re-watching the movie

[1:20:44] as an adult, not scary

[1:20:46] at all.

[1:20:46] Very goofy.

[1:20:47] Congratulations.

[1:20:50] So my question is,

[1:20:51] are there any movies

[1:20:52] that really scared you

[1:20:53] as a kid and as an

[1:20:54] adult, not so scary?

[1:20:55] What about the movies

[1:20:56] and what about the

[1:20:57] movie scared you?

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:58] Oh, Peavy's Big

[1:21:00] Adventure.

[1:21:01] The whole Large

[1:21:02] Marge scene.

[1:21:03] I had to cover my

[1:21:04] eyes when I knew she

[1:21:05] was going to turn her

[1:21:05] head and her eyes

[1:21:06] were going to bug out.

[1:21:07] And that ghost that

[1:21:08] drives a taxi cab in

[1:21:09] Ghostbusters, it was

[1:21:10] like a rotted head.

[1:21:11] Yeah, that's pretty

[1:21:12] great.

[1:21:12] I couldn't look at

[1:21:12] those.

[1:21:13] And now I can watch

[1:21:13] it.

[1:21:14] And now Large

[1:21:14] Marge, I'm like,

[1:21:15] oh, this is

[1:21:15] ridiculously goofy.

[1:21:16] Like, it's just

[1:21:17] stop motion animation,

[1:21:18] you know.

[1:21:19] But then you got

[1:21:19] something like Fool's

[1:21:20] Fire that Julie

[1:21:21] Taymor made.

[1:21:22] Oh, yeah.

[1:21:22] And that still

[1:21:23] frightens me.

[1:21:24] And it's like,

[1:21:25] it's all puppets

[1:21:26] except for two

[1:21:27] people.

[1:21:28] And it's like a

[1:21:29] retelling of

[1:21:30] Hop Frog.

[1:21:31] And it's like,

[1:21:32] there's still

[1:21:32] something so creepy

[1:21:33] about that one.

[1:21:34] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:34] It's creepy puppets.

[1:21:36] I'm going to do

[1:21:37] the thing that

[1:21:38] politicians do and

[1:21:38] answer a wider

[1:21:40] question that you

[1:21:41] didn't ask.

[1:21:42] Because I can't

[1:21:43] think of a movie.

[1:21:44] But I do remember

[1:21:44] very distinctly that

[1:21:46] I have two older

[1:21:47] brothers.

[1:21:48] And older brothers

[1:21:49] love to continue

[1:21:50] talking about things

[1:21:51] long after they

[1:21:52] realize that they're

[1:21:53] terrifying you.

[1:21:55] And there was one

[1:21:56] night when I was

[1:21:57] small when my

[1:21:58] brother put on

[1:22:00] Talking F77,

[1:22:02] which contains

[1:22:02] Psycho Killer on

[1:22:04] it.

[1:22:05] And I was listening

[1:22:05] to this song.

[1:22:05] A scary song.

[1:22:06] I was listening to

[1:22:07] this song titled

[1:22:08] Psycho Killer.

[1:22:09] And he was

[1:22:10] explaining the plot

[1:22:11] to my other

[1:22:12] brother of

[1:22:13] Carrion Death,

[1:22:15] the Tales from the

[1:22:16] Crypt EC Comics

[1:22:18] story about a,

[1:22:20] it's a convict

[1:22:23] who has another

[1:22:25] dead convict on,

[1:22:26] like handcuffed to

[1:22:27] him.

[1:22:27] He's going through

[1:22:27] the desert.

[1:22:28] And at the end

[1:22:29] he's being pecked

[1:22:30] at by vultures.

[1:22:31] And the surprise

[1:22:32] reveal is that he

[1:22:33] was already dead

[1:22:34] at that point.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:36] And a startling

[1:22:37] take on the end

[1:22:38] of Frank Norris's

[1:22:38] novel,

[1:22:39] McTee.

[1:22:40] But the point is

[1:22:41] like,

[1:22:41] no fans of

[1:22:42] naturalist literature

[1:22:43] around here,

[1:22:44] I guess.

[1:22:45] The point is,

[1:22:45] I don't think any

[1:22:46] jokes about the

[1:22:46] octopus,

[1:22:47] Frank Norris's

[1:22:47] other masterpiece,

[1:22:49] Is that about

[1:22:50] a killer octopus?

[1:22:51] It is not,

[1:22:51] it is about a

[1:22:52] fight between

[1:22:53] a railroad line

[1:22:54] and grain farmers.

[1:22:56] Okay.

[1:22:57] It's great though.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:59] The point is,

[1:22:59] here's a song,

[1:23:00] a new wave song

[1:23:01] by a band that

[1:23:02] would turn out

[1:23:02] to be my favorite

[1:23:03] band as I grow

[1:23:03] older.

[1:23:04] and a Tales

[1:23:06] from the Crypt

[1:23:06] story,

[1:23:07] which are

[1:23:07] inherently silly

[1:23:08] as you grow older

[1:23:09] you realize,

[1:23:10] oh,

[1:23:10] these are just

[1:23:11] goofy things.

[1:23:11] And I was so

[1:23:13] scared by the

[1:23:14] confluence of

[1:23:15] these two events.

[1:23:17] And to the degree

[1:23:19] that I think my

[1:23:19] brothers got in

[1:23:20] trouble when my

[1:23:21] parents came home.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:22] Wow.

[1:23:22] You narked on them?

[1:23:24] Or were you like

[1:23:26] catatonic at that

[1:23:27] point?

[1:23:28] Yeah.

[1:23:28] I was like,

[1:23:29] cool.

[1:23:30] Well,

[1:23:30] I'm going to answer

Dan McCoy

[1:23:30] the actual question.

[1:23:32] I'll just,

[1:23:33] I'll just,

[1:23:34] Dan is crawling

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:40] under the table.

[1:23:41] Cool.

[1:23:42] I assume to suck

[1:23:42] his thumb and

[1:23:43] rock back and

[1:23:43] forth.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:45] The movie I

[1:23:46] remember,

[1:23:47] I remember seeing

[1:23:48] Return of the

[1:23:49] Living Dead Part

[1:23:49] 2 at a sleepover

[1:23:51] and I was

[1:23:52] terrified of

[1:23:53] zombies for

[1:23:53] weeks.

[1:23:54] I would like,

[1:23:55] when I was in

[1:23:56] bed,

[1:23:56] I would like

[1:23:57] wrap myself up

[1:23:58] in the covers

[1:23:58] in a ball

[1:23:59] so no zombies

[1:24:00] would see my

[1:24:01] body parts

[1:24:02] so they would

[1:24:02] devour them.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:03] Oh,

[1:24:03] there's no

[1:24:04] brain inside

[1:24:04] those sheets.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:05] And like,

[1:24:06] watching it as

[1:24:08] an adult,

[1:24:08] I'm like,

[1:24:08] oh,

[1:24:08] this is just a

[1:24:09] comedy.

[1:24:09] This is a

[1:24:10] comedy that just

[1:24:10] happens to have

[1:24:11] zombies in it.

[1:24:12] So yeah,

[1:24:13] Return of the Living

[1:24:14] Dead Part 2,

[1:24:14] watch it.

[1:24:17] Thank you for the

[1:24:18] question.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:18] Good question.

[1:24:19] Good question.

[1:24:20] Hey,

[1:24:20] Peaches.

[1:24:21] so,

[1:24:22] the way that

[1:24:23] sure.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:26] Yeah,

[1:24:26] I know.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:27] You said it.

[1:24:28] You said it,

[1:24:28] buddy.

[1:24:29] We've all been

[1:24:29] there.

[1:24:29] Look.

[1:24:30] So,

[1:24:31] if you had to

[1:24:32] take a movie

[1:24:33] that's been

[1:24:33] flopped and

[1:24:35] turned into a

[1:24:35] cinematic universe,

[1:24:36] preferably one that

[1:24:37] wasn't already

[1:24:38] attempted,

[1:24:39] like,

[1:24:39] say,

[1:24:39] the Tom Cruise

[1:24:40] mummy,

[1:24:40] what would it be?

[1:24:41] The dark

[1:24:42] universe.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:43] Well,

[1:24:43] there was a

[1:24:44] certain

[1:24:44] Timothy Green

[1:24:45] who had a

[1:24:46] little bit of

[1:24:46] an odd life.

[1:24:48] And I wonder,

[1:24:49] what other

[1:24:50] strange and

[1:24:51] mysterious creatures

[1:24:51] exist in a

[1:24:52] world where

[1:24:52] leaves can

[1:24:53] grow on a

[1:24:53] boy's legs?

[1:24:58] And maybe

[1:24:59] he fights a

[1:25:00] Babadook,

[1:25:00] I don't know.

[1:25:03] Yeah,

[1:25:04] I mean,

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:04] we've already

[1:25:05] seen what

[1:25:06] happens when

[1:25:07] fairies and

[1:25:08] leprechauns

[1:25:09] have children.

[1:25:11] That creates

[1:25:11] dweegons,

[1:25:12] as we all

[1:25:13] know,

[1:25:13] from the

[1:25:14] hit movie

[1:25:14] Dweegons

[1:25:15] and Leprechauns.

[1:25:18] What other

[1:25:19] mythical creatures

[1:25:20] could have

[1:25:21] sex and

[1:25:22] have weird

[1:25:22] monster babies?

[1:25:26] I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:27] Wait,

[1:25:27] we're talking

[1:25:28] about Flophouse

[1:25:28] movies specifically?

[1:25:29] I forgot what

[1:25:30] the bit was.

[1:25:30] Yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:30] yeah.

[1:25:30] You're building

[1:25:31] a cinematic

[1:25:34] universe around

[1:25:35] movies that we

[1:25:37] have talked

[1:25:37] about on the

[1:25:38] Flophouse.

[1:25:38] Okay.

[1:25:39] Or that we've

[1:25:39] reviewed specifically,

[1:25:40] not we've talked

[1:25:41] about,

[1:25:41] because that'd be

[1:25:42] like,

[1:25:42] stop making

[1:25:43] sense all

[1:25:43] the time.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:48] Let's say

[1:25:48] stolen and

[1:25:49] move on.

John Hodgman

[1:25:51] Wow,

[1:25:51] I mean,

[1:25:52] that's a good

[1:25:52] one.

[1:25:53] Yes,

[1:25:53] sir.

[1:25:54] Hi,

[1:25:55] Ryan,

[1:25:55] last name

[1:25:56] with help.

[1:25:57] You guys make

[1:25:58] a lot of

[1:25:59] references to

[1:25:59] the Muppets,

[1:26:00] and I wonder,

[1:26:01] are there other

[1:26:02] classic stories

[1:26:03] that you would

[1:26:04] like to see

[1:26:04] the Muppets

[1:26:05] take on?

[1:26:06] Like,

[1:26:06] let's say,

[1:26:07] the Muppets

[1:26:08] Odyssey.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:09] Oh,

[1:26:09] I mean,

[1:26:10] it's not

[1:26:10] too different

[1:26:11] than that.

[1:26:11] I am surprised

[1:26:12] there hasn't been

[1:26:12] like a Muppets

[1:26:13] Alice in Wonderland,

[1:26:14] and that could be

[1:26:15] pretty fun,

[1:26:16] also because it

[1:26:16] opens it up to

[1:26:17] just having act

[1:26:18] after act

[1:26:18] after act,

[1:26:19] because Alice in Wonderland

[1:26:20] has no plot

[1:26:21] other than Alice

[1:26:21] meeting a bunch of

[1:26:22] animals that are rude

[1:26:23] to her at different

[1:26:24] points.

[1:26:25] So,

[1:26:26] I don't know.

[1:26:27] I mean,

[1:26:27] I think the Odyssey

[1:26:28] is a great choice.

[1:26:29] Yeah,

[1:26:29] like Muppets

[1:26:30] Bonfire of the Vanities.

[1:26:31] Is that an option?

Dan McCoy

[1:26:34] I would certainly

[1:26:35] prefer to see

[1:26:36] a movie where,

[1:26:38] let's say,

[1:26:39] Cormorant is Sherlock

[1:26:39] Holmes and Fozzie

[1:26:40] is Watson.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:41] It's so perfect!

[1:26:42] Why haven't they

[1:26:43] done that yet?

Dan McCoy

[1:26:45] Yeah,

[1:26:45] and what we just watched.

[1:26:46] And Miss Piggy

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:47] is,

[1:26:47] what's her name?

[1:26:48] Irene Adler.

[1:26:49] And,

[1:26:49] like,

[1:26:51] and Stanley Waldorf

[1:26:52] are,

[1:26:52] like,

[1:26:52] twin Moriartys.

[1:26:55] And Lestrade

[1:26:56] is,

[1:26:57] like,

[1:26:58] like,

[1:26:58] I would say

[1:26:59] Sand Eagle

[1:27:00] because he's always,

[1:27:00] like,

[1:27:01] oh,

[1:27:01] those guys,

[1:27:02] oh,

[1:27:02] a couple weirdos.

[1:27:04] Oh,

[1:27:04] that's so perfect.

[1:27:05] Why haven't they

[1:27:05] done that?

[1:27:06] Dan,

[1:27:07] you gotta go

[1:27:07] make that now.

[1:27:09] Like,

[1:27:09] you have to come back.

[1:27:10] You gotta come back

[1:27:11] and do that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:11] I know what I have to do

[1:27:12] with my life.

[1:27:13] Fare thee well,

[1:27:13] everyone.

[1:27:14] You gotta pitch that

[1:27:15] to the Henson Company.

[1:27:17] Okay,

[1:27:18] well,

[1:27:18] no,

[1:27:18] we just walked out.

[1:27:20] Okay.

[1:27:22] We never saw him again.

[1:27:24] Oh,

[1:27:25] okay.

[1:27:25] Now that he's,

[1:27:26] eventually we find him

[1:27:27] and he's just,

[1:27:28] like,

[1:27:28] a homeless man

[1:27:28] under a bridge

[1:27:29] with,

[1:27:29] he's made Muppets

[1:27:30] out of,

[1:27:30] like,

[1:27:30] discarded rags.

[1:27:32] I did it.

[1:27:32] I did it,

[1:27:33] Elliot.

[1:27:34] Hey,

[1:27:34] hey,

[1:27:35] I did what you told me.

[1:27:36] Hey,

[1:27:36] hey,

[1:27:37] am I a good boy now?

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:39] Do I get all the butts now?

[1:27:40] Dan,

[1:27:41] Dan.

[1:27:42] And the sad irony

[1:27:43] at that point

[1:27:43] would be,

[1:27:44] he wasn't a good boy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:48] Hey,

[1:27:48] he's back,

[1:27:49] everybody.

[1:27:49] Don't tell him

[1:27:49] we were talking about him.

[1:27:52] Stuart,

[1:27:52] what about you?

[1:27:52] Hey,

Dan McCoy

[1:27:53] here's a fun fact

[1:27:53] about this theater.

[1:27:55] All the other stage doors

[1:27:56] are locked.

[1:27:59] Are you going to,

[1:27:59] are you going to go around?

[1:28:01] Just in case anyone,

[1:28:01] yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:02] you know,

[1:28:02] come on,

[1:28:02] you know,

[1:28:03] do a whole bit.

[1:28:04] Oh,

[1:28:04] okay,

[1:28:04] yeah.

[1:28:05] Oh,

[1:28:06] what,

[1:28:06] like,

[1:28:06] go down and do some

[1:28:07] crowd work,

[1:28:08] like Nick Cave?

[1:28:09] You know,

[1:28:09] like,

[1:28:09] climb in there,

[1:28:10] like Nick Cave,

[1:28:11] like,

[1:28:12] like a mad preacher?

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:13] Walking on chairs

[1:28:14] like Roberto Beniti?

[1:28:15] Like cats,

[1:28:16] yeah.

[1:28:16] What are you,

[1:28:17] where are we in this bit?

[1:28:19] So,

[1:28:19] Stuart,

[1:28:19] do you have a Muppet story?

[1:28:20] Should we just go to the next question?

[1:28:22] No,

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:22] I don't even like the Muppets.

[1:28:28] Hi,

[1:28:28] my name is Vince,

[1:28:30] last name redacted.

[1:28:31] Okay.

[1:28:32] Oh,

[1:28:32] wow,

[1:28:32] security reasons.

[1:28:33] Okay.

[1:28:35] so I,

[1:28:36] me and my friends host a local bad movie

[1:28:38] and cult movie night.

[1:28:41] Thank you for hearing from our lawyers.

[1:28:43] No,

[1:28:43] no.

[1:28:44] For,

[1:28:44] uh,

[1:28:44] my question for you is,

[1:28:46] uh,

[1:28:46] have you ever had a movie that is so bad

[1:28:49] or so unwatchable that you decided just to can it

[1:28:53] for like,

[1:28:54] for the night or the,

Dan McCoy

[1:28:56] I mean,

[1:28:56] we've never watched,

[1:28:57] like,

[1:28:58] we would not go through that pain

[1:28:59] and not do an episode.

[1:29:00] We have had movies where the technology

[1:29:02] seemed to have rejected the film.

[1:29:04] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:05] Yeah.

[1:29:06] The,

[1:29:06] the,

[1:29:06] the forgotten.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:07] 2000 BC.

[1:29:09] Babylon AD.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:11] 10,000,

[1:29:11] 10,000 BC I thought we released.

[1:29:13] Yeah,

[1:29:13] we did.

[1:29:13] It was.

[1:29:14] It was Babylon AD.

[1:29:14] Babylon AD was the one where the computer

[1:29:16] had,

[1:29:17] its tennis shoes fell off,

[1:29:18] I guess.

[1:29:18] It broke down.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:20] And,

[1:29:21] uh,

[1:29:21] and what,

[1:29:22] Beastly,

[1:29:22] we recorded half of it.

[1:29:23] And then,

[1:29:24] uh,

[1:29:24] and then a local pirate radio station

[1:29:26] snuck into the feed.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:29] But yeah,

[1:29:29] there's never been one where we've been like,

[1:29:31] no,

[1:29:31] we won't even talk about it.

[1:29:32] Let's forget this ever happened.

[1:29:34] If I see you guys on the street corner,

[1:29:35] let's pretend we don't know each other.

[1:29:37] There have definitely been times like,

[1:29:39] Dan will show bad movies at his apartment sometimes.

[1:29:42] And there have been times when you've been like,

Dan McCoy

[1:29:43] this movie's not going over so well.

[1:29:44] Yeah.

[1:29:45] I misjudged the audience.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:48] Well,

[1:29:48] because you host,

[1:29:49] uh,

[1:29:49] you host a bad movie.

[1:29:51] Please get into it.

[1:29:52] It's a bad movie horror night.

[1:29:53] And I,

[1:29:53] I know once you showed what brain dead,

[1:29:56] which has a brain damage.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:57] Brain damage.

[1:29:58] Brain dead is the Peter Jackson.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:59] Also great.

[1:30:00] Uh,

[1:30:01] and brain damage has,

[1:30:02] I don't know,

[1:30:02] some like questionable scenes about,

[1:30:04] uh,

[1:30:05] what?

[1:30:05] Like a,

[1:30:05] a woman about to give a blow job.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:07] prostitute gives a blow job to a parasite worm.

[1:30:11] All right.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:13] Which then kills her.

[1:30:15] And so for whatever reason,

[1:30:16] this unsuspecting audience that you had tricked into coming to your home,

[1:30:19] it was not into it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:21] It wasn't a great fundraiser for a preschool.

[1:30:25] In retrospect,

[1:30:26] that's an obvious call,

[1:30:28] but at the moment with the intelligence we had at the time,

Dan McCoy

[1:30:31] you made the right decision.

[1:30:34] I,

[1:30:34] I hope that the public embarrassment of me answered your question.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:39] Yeah.

[1:30:40] Looks like we got two questions left.

[1:30:41] One over here and one over here.

[1:30:44] Good math.

[1:30:45] So.

[1:30:46] I'm a regular Sherlock Holmes,

[1:30:47] if you will.

S7

[1:30:49] Uh,

[1:30:50] my first name is Fiona.

[1:30:51] last name redacted.

[1:30:53] Um,

[1:30:53] I have a question about if you were to host,

[1:30:56] uh,

[1:30:57] last,

[1:30:58] uh,

[1:30:59] last drive in.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:01] Sorry.

[1:31:01] Go on.

S7

[1:31:03] Uh,

[1:31:03] the last drive in.

[1:31:04] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:05] The Joe Bob Brooks thing.

S7

[1:31:06] What would be your two movies and what would be your persona?

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:11] Oh,

[1:31:12] okay.

[1:31:14] Uh,

[1:31:14] this is a,

[1:31:15] this is a challenging question.

[1:31:17] Um,

[1:31:18] what would my two movies be?

[1:31:20] I mean,

[1:31:20] I feel like,

[1:31:21] I would have to pick at least one Stuart Gordon movie.

[1:31:24] I would probably pick,

[1:31:26] I don't know,

[1:31:27] like stuck or King of the Ants.

[1:31:30] Something that you don't see a lot of,

[1:31:32] but other than that,

[1:31:34] it would have to be something else.

[1:31:36] That's gross.

[1:31:39] Hmm.

[1:31:40] Can't you think of a gross movie story?

Dan McCoy

[1:31:42] Have I ever seen a gross movie?

[1:31:44] Like a gross movie,

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:45] huh?

[1:31:46] A gross movie.

[1:31:47] Something that might make me want to,

[1:31:48] wait,

[1:31:49] clarify.

[1:31:50] What's this?

S7

[1:31:50] I could not let the night go away without some kind of Stuart reference to.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:56] Yeah.

[1:31:57] Uh,

[1:31:58] so I would say,

[1:31:59] I'll do,

[1:31:59] you're leading the witness,

[1:32:00] man.

[1:32:00] I'll do,

[1:32:01] I'll do stuck the movie where the homeless man gets hit by a car and he gets stuck in a windshield.

[1:32:06] That's pretty horrible.

[1:32:08] And,

[1:32:09] uh,

[1:32:10] Hmm.

[1:32:11] Uh,

[1:32:11] I'll do,

[1:32:12] uh,

[1:32:13] Chud,

[1:32:13] a movie about cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers.

[1:32:16] That is bad.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:18] Boo,

[1:32:19] thank you.

[1:32:19] As you may remember that Joe Bob Briggs said to us,

[1:32:22] he does not care for.

[1:32:24] I'll have to think about my persona though.

[1:32:27] Oh yeah.

[1:32:27] So,

[1:32:27] uh,

[1:32:28] yeah,

[1:32:28] there's episode one of,

[1:32:29] uh,

[1:32:29] Flash Drive.

[1:32:30] Well,

[1:32:30] who,

[1:32:30] what would your persona be?

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:31] Uh,

[1:32:32] I'm going to have to think about that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:33] Okay.

[1:32:34] Well,

[1:32:34] I would obviously be,

[1:32:35] obviously be America's whiz kid.

[1:32:37] Uh,

[1:32:37] I'm a kid who made a lot of money on game shows and it drove me insane.

[1:32:41] And I'd probably show in the mouth of madness,

[1:32:46] not the best John Carpenter movie,

[1:32:48] but my personal favorite,

[1:32:50] uh,

[1:32:51] the best being the thing.

[1:32:52] Everybody knows that.

[1:32:52] Come on.

[1:32:53] Uh,

[1:32:53] it's the other perfect movie next to alien.

[1:32:55] Um,

[1:32:56] and the other one would have to be the scariest movie ever made persona.

[1:33:02] The Ingmar Bergman story of two women whose personalities begin to merge.

[1:33:05] And it's super scary.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:09] Uh,

[1:33:09] obviously,

[1:33:11] my persona would be a really happy guy who everyone loves.

[1:33:17] Yeah.

[1:33:18] Yeah.

[1:33:18] And just like brings joy wherever.

[1:33:20] And like never gets made fun of.

[1:33:22] And just,

[1:33:24] you know,

[1:33:24] just like,

[1:33:25] just,

[1:33:25] you know,

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:25] like,

[1:33:26] we're really working through some shit here tonight.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:28] It's like,

[1:33:29] it's like,

[1:33:30] I'm getting it.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:30] You're a classic like party guy that people are like really excited when he shows up.

[1:33:33] They're like,

[1:33:34] Oh,

[1:33:34] the party's going to start dance gear.

[1:33:35] You know,

[1:33:35] like that.

[1:33:36] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:36] This is you talking to your stuffed animals at home telling them how the day went.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:42] And I would show Return of the Living Dead,

[1:33:45] which is maybe my favorite horror comedy.

[1:33:48] And what was the other one I thought of that has gone out of my brain?

[1:33:52] It is Friends of Darkness,

[1:33:54] the giant carpenter movie,

[1:33:55] which I think is under scene.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:57] He does a lot of neat stuff with video formats in that.

[1:34:02] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:03] Uh-huh.

[1:34:03] And I've decided my,

[1:34:05] uh,

[1:34:06] my persona would be like,

[1:34:09] if you had an alien crime boss,

[1:34:11] right?

[1:34:12] Follow me.

[1:34:12] And that alien crime boss,

[1:34:14] instead of being made out of,

[1:34:16] I don't know,

[1:34:16] say normal flesh,

[1:34:17] like an alien,

[1:34:18] would instead be made out of a giant mound of pizza.

[1:34:24] Now,

[1:34:25] what would be a name for a type of character like that?

[1:34:28] Difficult,

[1:34:29] difficult.

[1:34:29] You would want pizza in the name,

[1:34:30] of course,

[1:34:31] because that's what my body is constituted by.

[1:34:34] But how to finish the name?

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:36] What's the perfect word to come,

[1:34:38] or two words,

[1:34:39] perhaps,

[1:34:39] to come after?

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:41] Uh,

[1:34:41] I mean,

[1:34:42] it would be a title,

[1:34:43] of course,

[1:34:44] uh,

[1:34:44] that would describe what my body's shape appears to look like.

[1:34:47] Maybe it was like a,

[1:34:49] uh,

[1:34:49] a,

[1:34:50] uh,

[1:34:50] a peak roofed home.

[1:34:52] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:54] Some kind of,

[1:34:54] a Quonset.

[1:34:55] Quonset,

[1:34:55] yeah.

[1:34:56] Uh,

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:56] I,

[1:34:56] I still,

[1:34:57] I'm still working through.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:58] We'll figure it out.

[1:34:59] Sir,

[1:34:59] please rescue us from this hell.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:01] I love the idea that that's why he's called that,

[1:35:03] is because it's what his body is shaped like.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:07] You're the last question of the evening,

[1:35:08] please.

John Hodgman

[1:35:09] That's a really tough question to follow up,

[1:35:11] but I'll do my best.

[1:35:12] Um,

[1:35:13] which,

[1:35:13] uh,

[1:35:14] two movies share a cinematic universe by having the same actor?

[1:35:18] Like,

[1:35:18] do you think maybe Tony Stark was inspired to create Jarvis after witnessing the events in Weird Science?

[1:35:25] Probably.

[1:35:27] I mean,

[1:35:27] that's a,

[1:35:27] that's a plausible explanation.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:29] I mean,

[1:35:30] the one that comes to mind most readily is that,

[1:35:33] uh,

[1:35:33] the character,

[1:35:34] uh,

[1:35:35] Bodie in Point Break was very clearly,

[1:35:37] in a younger time in his life,

[1:35:40] Dalton from Roadhouse.

[1:35:42] I mean,

[1:35:42] that is the same.

[1:35:43] Oh,

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:43] because I thought in a younger time in his life,

[1:35:45] he was the instructor,

[1:35:46] the dance instructor in the Catskills.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:48] And even younger,

[1:35:49] he was a,

[1:35:51] he was Johnny,

[1:35:52] the sexy instructor.

[1:35:54] I mean,

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:54] in a real sense,

[1:35:56] trading,

[1:35:56] trading places and coming to America exist in the same universe because Don Amici and,

[1:36:01] uh,

[1:36:01] Ralph Bellamy literally play the same characters in both movies.

[1:36:05] One of those movies,

[1:36:06] I love it,

[1:36:07] have since I was a kid,

[1:36:07] the other movie,

[1:36:08] don't care for.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:09] Wow.

[1:36:10] Well,

[1:36:10] always leave them guessing.

[1:36:11] Can you guess which is which?

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:13] Let me,

[1:36:14] let me tell you,

[1:36:14] I don't like the one where a man is raped by a gorilla.

[1:36:19] Not a fan of that.

[1:36:20] What?

[1:36:21] Not something that should happen to anybody,

[1:36:23] regardless of whether they swindle some money away from somebody.

[1:36:26] Wow.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:27] Elliot's willing to lose friends over this.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:30] Not a funny thing,

Dan McCoy

[1:36:32] according to me.

[1:36:33] And I'll jump backwards.

[1:36:34] I have this,

[1:36:35] I have this crazy,

[1:36:36] crazy fan theory.

[1:36:37] You know,

[1:36:37] stay with me here.

[1:36:40] Uh,

[1:36:40] that the,

[1:36:41] um,

[1:36:42] that the banjo playing frog in the Muppet movie is also the journalist in the Great Muppet Caper.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:50] But that,

[1:36:51] but that,

[1:36:52] it can't be the case because the journalist in the Great Muppet Caper has a twin identical brother,

[1:36:56] a bear.

[1:36:57] Whereas in the Muppet movie,

[1:36:59] he,

[1:36:59] oh my God,

[1:37:00] hold on a second.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:02] Wait a minute.

[1:37:03] Wait a minute.

[1:37:04] We've,

[1:37:05] uh,

[1:37:05] wasted your time with our shenanigans,

[1:37:06] much like Holmes and Watson.

[1:37:08] Uh,

[1:37:09] well,

[1:37:10] look.

[1:37:11] Dan,

[1:37:12] well,

[1:37:12] you seem like you were onto something.

[1:37:13] I have run down my living.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:15] Like,

Dan McCoy

[1:37:15] I'm one of those toys that's been wound up and has run down.

[1:37:18] Yeah,

[1:37:18] we need to put a string on your back.

[1:37:19] But,

[1:37:19] there,

[1:37:19] there's merchandise that we're selling.

[1:37:23] We'll be out there next to it,

[1:37:25] if you want to talk to us.

[1:37:26] And then,

[1:37:26] in this building.

[1:37:27] I know that was pretty vague,

[1:37:28] that we'll be out there next to it somewhere.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:31] In the,

[1:37:31] in the world,

[1:37:31] merchandise exists.

[1:37:33] Uh,

[1:37:33] you may have heard of it.

[1:37:33] We're not just gonna find a store and hang out in it.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:36] Also,

[1:37:37] uh,

[1:37:37] some very,

[1:37:38] uh,

[1:37:38] wonderful local listeners have,

[1:37:41] uh,

[1:37:41] arranged a after party at therapy monsters,

[1:37:44] which is a bar that I am told is within a couple of blocks from here.

[1:37:49] Uh-huh.

[1:37:49] And after we're done with our merchandise selling,

[1:37:52] we will try and stop by.

[1:37:54] Yeah.

[1:37:54] We will stop by.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:55] Try and stop by.

[1:37:58] Well,

[1:37:58] look at you,

[1:37:58] hedging your bets.

[1:38:00] Trying to create suspense.

[1:38:01] I'm too tired from signing my little fingers.

[1:38:06] Oh,

[1:38:07] I need to put them in a tiny bed.

Dan McCoy

[1:38:12] That's what I call,

[1:38:14] that's what I call my sleep gloves.

[1:38:17] My hands tiny bed.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:20] And that's how you night lotion without getting fucking lotion all over your blanket.

[1:38:24] You fill up your night gloves.

Dan McCoy

[1:38:25] And it's all tied up.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:27] Anyway.

[1:38:27] I mean,

[1:38:28] that's tied up to something we were talking about in a conversation earlier today.

[1:38:31] Oh,

[1:38:31] shit.

[1:38:32] It was not mentioned on the podcast.

[1:38:34] We're tying up loose ends from before you guys got here.

Dan McCoy

[1:38:40] Uh,

[1:38:40] please.

[1:38:41] Thank you for being here for so long.

[1:38:43] And for putting up with us.

[1:38:45] Thank you so much,

[1:38:45] Portland,

[1:38:46] for having us.

[1:38:47] Thank you to Revolution Hall.

[1:38:48] You've been wonderful to us.

[1:38:50] Thank you very much.

[1:38:51] For the Flavos,

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:52] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:38:53] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:38:55] You know me,

[1:38:55] America's Rascal,

[1:38:56] Elliot Kalin.

[1:38:57] Good night,

[1:38:58] everyone.

[1:38:59] Good night,

[1:38:59] everyone.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:27] MaximumFun.org.

John Hodgman

[1:39:31] Comedy and culture.

[1:39:32] Artist owned.

[1:39:33] Audience supported.

[1:39:34] I'm a fan of the show.

Dan McCoy

S8

[1:39:52] Adopt is a mystic

Ep. #307 - Holmes & Watson, LIVE!

Transcript

In this episode

Description