Ep. #308 - Verotika

[0:00] Hi, it's Jesse, the founder of MaxFund, coming to you from the microphone at my home office,

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[1:59] Stay safe out there. We're thinking of you. On this episode, we discuss Verotica,

[2:06] the movie that shows that Glenn Danzig is a double threat, musician, and crazy person.

[2:20] Hey, everyone, and welcome to The Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[2:40] Hey, I'm Stuart Wellington. You might know me from a viral tweet about not washing his hands.

[2:48] Yeah, how does it feel, you guys, to be stars overseas in the international

[2:53] not-washing-hands Twitter zone?

[2:56] Thank you, former guest Jenny Jaffe, friend of the podcast, for making me a household name.

[3:03] Yeah, vaguely implying that maybe we don't wash our hands.

[3:08] Let's not talk about former guests and talk about our current guest. We've got special guest

[3:12] April Wolfe, that's right, writer, screenwriter, most recently of Black Christmas, the award-winning

[3:18] hit movie, probably. We've gotten a lot of awards.

[3:22] A lot of awards and a lot of buzz, very buzz-heavy, and host of MaxFund's own Switchblade Sisters,

[3:33] April Wolfe. April, thank you so much for joining us.

[3:35] Thanks for having me on to talk about this movie in particular.

[3:39] We had to have April on to talk about this, perhaps the craziest, maybe the worst movie

[3:44] we've ever done.

[3:45] Maybe the least movie we've ever done.

[3:49] Perhaps the least movie we've seen.

[3:51] This is a world where Love on a Leash exists, people.

[3:54] I think Love on a Leash may have been more of a movie than this one.

[3:57] That's true. It has a plot.

[3:58] At least this one had a soundtrack, though.

[4:02] Also joining us, as you probably heard, is special guest Samuel Kaelin.

[4:07] Sammy's on because this is a kids' movie, right?

[4:12] Yeah, exactly.

[4:13] Also, I should mention, my name is Elliot Kaelin.

[4:14] I don't think I ever mentioned my name.

[4:15] No, you didn't.

[4:16] I'm one of the regular co-hosts.

[4:17] Yes, Sammy's here because it's a kids' movie.

[4:19] He and I watched it the other night.

[4:21] He's a big Dan Zig fan.

[4:25] What's your favorite song of his?

[4:26] Twist of Cain?

[4:28] You're more of a fan of Samhain?

[4:31] Like he said, are those songs?

[4:32] He just whispered to me.

[4:33] Wow, throw in quiet shade.

[4:37] Whispering.

[4:40] So would you guys call it the biggest movie of the year?

[4:45] Most anticipated.

[4:46] Most anticipated, yeah, yeah.

[4:48] The one more people are interested in than the other.

[4:50] The movie we watched is Veronica.

[4:52] This, of course, is the feature directorial debut

[4:55] from Glenn Danzig of the band's Misfits, Danzig, Samhain.

[4:58] Yeah, so this is part of our Rocktoberfest, right?

[5:02] Because we just did The Fanatic.

[5:03] Red Durst.

[5:04] Yeah.

[5:04] Yeah, I guess that's true.

[5:06] What's up, Dan?

[5:06] What are your feelings on Glenn Danzig?

[5:08] I don't know him as, I guess I've known some Misfits songs.

[5:11] I don't know him as a musical figure.

[5:12] I know him mostly from you guys talking about

[5:14] how Wizard Magazine wanted to make him Wolverine.

[5:17] Yeah, when I saw he was directing a movie, I'm like,

[5:19] but that's a mistake because he's clearly an actor.

[5:21] He played Wolverine in all those movies, right?

[5:24] But you guys are a couple of hard rock fans.

[5:26] What are your thoughts?

[5:28] So I'm going to go on record as a fan of,

[5:32] like, let's call it the first half of Danzig's career.

[5:35] I love his Era of the Misfits, that first Danzig album.

[5:38] I love a lot of the songs on it.

[5:40] But then there's a certain point where

[5:42] things that I think I enjoy ironically,

[5:44] I started to realize he enjoyed them very sincerely.

[5:47] Those things being like human sacrifice,

[5:49] witchcraft, sexual violence,

[5:52] things that where I was like,

[5:54] oh, this is a metaphor for something.

[5:55] I'm like, no, he's just singing about a guy who collects skulls.

[5:58] That's all it is.

[5:59] It's literally just like his neighbor that he's just into.

[6:02] He's also one of the only cat people

[6:05] who doesn't enjoy talking about his cats,

[6:07] which is insane.

[6:08] There's the famous photograph of him in a parking lot

[6:11] just with a big box of kitty litter in his hands.

[6:12] Oh, my God.

[6:13] I just remember hearing that

[6:15] three liter bottle of Mountain Dew,

[6:18] like that thing over and over for like a year after that.

[6:22] Yeah.

[6:23] He's also one of the many musician celebrities

[6:26] to come from New Jersey.

[6:27] And I think he still lives in New Jersey, right?

[6:29] I think he does.

[6:30] I remember someone telling me the story once,

[6:32] I forget who was now,

[6:33] of going to a dancing show and being really excited

[6:36] and then seeing Glenn Danzig and the other guys

[6:39] like unpacking the equipment before the show

[6:41] and they're all just wearing Jets jerseys.

[6:43] And it like really ruined the mystique of them

[6:45] as horror monsters,

[6:46] since they're just like Jersey dudes.

[6:49] But Glenn Danzig is one of these guys

[6:52] that I have to,

[6:53] especially in the type of music I enjoy listening to,

[6:55] where I have to be like,

[6:56] this is someone whose work I often like,

[6:58] but if I met this person in person,

[7:00] I do not think I would like this person at all.

[7:02] Like he seems, by all accounts,

[7:03] he seems like a real big jerk.

[7:04] Yeah, he'd be really boring though, I think is the thing,

[7:07] which you actually see in this movie.

[7:10] You're like, oh, it wouldn't even,

[7:11] oh, I get it.

[7:12] It's just boring.

[7:13] Okay.

[7:15] So, Veronica is based on a comic book publisher.

[7:19] Oh, and you love comic book movies, right?

[7:23] I love comic book movies,

[7:24] Spawn, Mystery Men, Tank Girl,

[7:26] like all the big hits.

[7:28] What are the great comic book movies?

[7:30] American Splendor.

[7:32] I did like American Splendor a lot.

[7:35] Yeah, yeah.

[7:35] Ghost World, all these big superhero movies

[7:37] that are out these days.

[7:38] And Veronica belongs to the genre,

[7:40] I think that we can call erotic horror,

[7:44] which I don't want to, look, I don't want to.

[7:46] Oh, that's Ver-ah-tica, erotica.

[7:50] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[7:51] Oh, it took, I'm glad you pointed it out.

[7:54] But why did I don't want to like...

[7:55] Why do you just tack a V on there?

[7:57] Is it because there's vampires?

[7:58] I think it stands for violent.

[8:00] Oh, violent erotica.

[8:02] And it's also spelled with a K.

[8:05] That goes directly to what I was going to say,

[8:07] which is like, I don't begrudge anyone

[8:09] their consensual, innocent fantasies, let's say.

[8:13] Because I think I hear some begrudging coming up.

[8:16] Well, there is a little bit of begrudging

[8:17] in the sense that erotic horror

[8:19] has never been a thing that I quite understand

[8:21] because I'm like, I don't want killing in my sex movie.

[8:26] And this is...

[8:26] He's not American, I think.

[8:29] I mean, yeah, Americans love that stuff.

[8:31] So this is one of the first flaws

[8:34] in the conception of this movie, for you at least.

[8:37] For you, that it doesn't appeal directly to you,

[8:39] because there's a lot of movies

[8:40] that would be flawed for you.

[8:41] Not for Clint dancing, I'm sure.

[8:42] He's deeply into the stuff in this movie.

[8:46] Now I want to see you as a professional film critic, Dan,

[8:48] so that each of your reviews is like,

[8:50] well, one of the major flaws of Herbie Fully Loaded

[8:53] is it doesn't appeal directly to me.

[8:55] There's a point where, at any point during the movie,

[8:58] Herbie could have turned to the camera and said,

[9:00] hey, Dan, how do you like the movie so far?

[9:02] But at no point does he do that.

[9:04] And yet, I was not addressed once throughout the film.

[9:08] Yeah, that's a very like...

[9:09] But I wouldn't, because I would try to talk back

[9:11] to the screen and it wouldn't work.

[9:12] And I would get confused and frustrated.

[9:14] It's like in Metal Gear Solid

[9:15] when Psycho Mantis starts reading your memory card

[9:18] and telling you what video games you like.

[9:21] Now, Dan loves interacting with the movie screen.

[9:24] That's why Mr. Payback is his favorite movie of all time.

[9:28] Did they do a second interactive movie?

[9:30] No, I don't think they did.

[9:31] I think there were two of them,

[9:33] but Mr. Payback was the famous one.

[9:35] The famous one, yeah.

[9:37] People are always asking for it.

[9:38] Have you ever seen it?

[9:41] So let's...

[9:41] Wait, what's Mr. Payback about?

[9:43] You don't remember Mr. Payback?

[9:44] No.

[9:45] Mr. Payback was a movie that came out

[9:46] where it was using the new advanced LaserDisc technology

[9:51] that was also seen in such great games as Dragon Quest.

[9:54] You would go and you would vote on which way the movie would go.

[9:58] And there were three jurors.

[10:00] And you would vote on which one Mr. Payback would give payback to.

[10:04] And Mr. Payback was like an Inspector Gadget-type cyborg, I think.

[10:07] And you just decide what was going to happen in the movie.

[10:10] And the audience would vote on it.

[10:11] OK.

[10:12] And I've never been in an audience that actually experienced this film the way it was meant to be seen.

[10:16] But I remember seeing trailers for it and being like, wow, that looks amazing.

[10:20] That is – OK, so you're voting to see who this guy kills.

[10:25] Not kills, but like beats up or pulls a prank on.

[10:28] Oh, wow.

[10:29] OK.

[10:30] All right.

[10:31] It wasn't like the Mel Gibson movie Payback.

[10:32] I don't think anyone actually died in that.

[10:33] That's what I was –

[10:34] OK, hold on.

[10:35] That was very different.

[10:36] Now, Black Christmas is also an interactive movie, right?

[10:39] Yeah, it is.

[10:40] Yeah.

[10:41] Yeah.

[10:42] Welcome to punch any screen that it's playing on, truly.

[10:45] So, OK, in 1992 there was an interactive motion picture, the first one apparently, called

[10:53] I'm Your Man.

[10:54] OK.

[10:55] Based on the song.

[10:57] I'm looking – I'm clicking through to find out anything more.

[11:00] But there is no plot summary for I'm Your Man because I guess no one ever saw I'm Your Man.

[11:05] Which is weird because it's a movie, right?

[11:08] It's not a man.

[11:09] Yeah.

[11:10] Also, it's an interactive movie.

[11:11] So without an audience watching it, no one can make the decision.

[11:13] So I have to assume somewhere in some movie theater there's still a character on screen saying,

[11:17] press the A button if you'd like me to keep going.

[11:21] Press the B button if I should look for a different adventure.

[11:24] And then just repeating that for years and years over and over again.

[11:27] Yeah.

[11:28] And the projectionist has died.

[11:29] It's like Haley Joel Osment at the bottom of the sea looking at the Blue Fairy.

[11:33] Just wishing that the Blue Fairy to be real.

[11:35] So, guys, let's talk about Veronica as we already have been.

[11:38] So, Veronica, it's – what he's trying to do is revive the classic horror movie anthology film

[11:44] as he tells three spine-tingling, blood-curdling tales of not very much happening.

[11:51] And the movie opens with a kind of satanic witch lady poking out a screaming woman's eyes with her fingernails.

[11:58] And then she introduces herself to the audience with the immortal line.

[12:01] We all know it.

[12:02] Welcome, my darklings.

[12:03] My name is Morella.

[12:05] She will continue to address the audience as her darklings throughout the movie.

[12:09] Now, here's the weird thing about this movie.

[12:12] You have a horror host, Morella, who is some kind of a Satan witch.

[12:16] She doesn't introduce the movies.

[12:18] She just shows up after the stories and has a pun.

[12:21] And then a title card comes up from the next one.

[12:23] It seems like the horror host's main job is to introduce the story and kind of prepare you for what you're about to see.

[12:28] But instead, she is not available.

[12:31] She's also bored by them.

[12:32] At one point, she just goes, well, that's that.

[12:35] Right.

[12:36] I think one of the intros is basically she just basically says, well, here's another one.

[12:42] Yeah.

[12:43] I did a little research.

[12:46] I did a little research.

[12:47] Morella is played by actress Caden Cross, who just recently won best director at the 2020 AVN Pornography Film Awards.

[12:57] Oh, wow.

[12:58] So this is like Martin Scorsese appearing in Akira Kurosawa's dreams as Vincent van Gogh.

[13:03] Yeah.

[13:04] So she's a director or she is a.

[13:07] I think she's both been in front and behind the camera.

[13:10] But she just won an award for director.

[13:12] I think the best way for porn actors to continue to make money in this world of Internet and aging is to transition to being behind the camera.

[13:25] I think it's true also in non-pornographic film.

[13:28] Yeah.

[13:29] It's like Quiet Place 2, Dan.

[13:30] You already got your tickets, right?

[13:31] Yeah.

[13:32] I guess I'm ripping off of that comment.

[13:36] So are we saying she's like the Greta Gerwig of the adult video world?

[13:41] I don't know.

[13:42] Anyway, so some things that I found interesting in the opening credits of this film, there's a person in the movie whose name is Kansas Bowling.

[13:49] Who was on Switchblade Sisters, actually.

[13:52] Really?

[13:53] Which episode was that?

[13:54] She did the monkeys movie, Head.

[13:57] Oh, I listened to that one.

[13:58] I forgot about that.

[13:59] I forgot about that.

[14:00] That's her who did it.

[14:01] That's a good episode.

[14:02] In this, she plays a role in the third installment, the third anthology.

[14:08] What do we call it?

[14:09] You can't call it a story.

[14:10] There's not really a story.

[14:12] I guess we could call this a library of thrills.

[14:15] Yeah.

[14:16] Can I return the book that I checked out?

[14:20] I mean, I think you should.

[14:21] And the movie was edited by Brian Cox, but probably not that Brian Cox.

[14:25] I was like, oh, shit.

[14:26] Talk about a double threat.

[14:29] I mean, he's never done it before, so he's starting out with this one.

[14:32] I know.

[14:33] He just takes – he's got a hiatus from succession, and he's just ready to learn the trade.

[14:38] He was hanging out with his friend Glenn Danzinger.

[14:40] He's like, Glenn, I taught myself Final Cut.

[14:42] Do you have any projects I could work together with you on?

[14:46] Of course he's still working on Final Cut.

[14:48] That's why in between scenes, there are all those scenes where someone shows up to just explain different types of scotch to the audience.

[14:55] Brian Cox put those in.

[14:57] And you said this movie was not appealing to you, Dan.

[14:59] Huh?

[15:00] Interesting.

[15:01] Yeah, I know.

[15:02] Weird.

[15:03] So Marella comes out and blinds a woman and then is like, welcome, my darklings.

[15:07] Here's the movie.

[15:08] There's also a moment like this.

[15:10] This starts a trend in the film where somebody removes a body part, and the person's reaction is just to say the body part over and over, in this case.

[15:19] Yeah.

[15:20] She just says, my eyes, my eyes.

[15:22] That's probably true.

[15:24] Later on we'll hear, my face, my face.

[15:26] And of course –

[15:27] If I got my eyes poked out, I think that's probably what I'd be screaming.

[15:32] The person that poked out your eyes, probably some kind of a witch or, I don't know, a regular person, would be like, yeah, duh, I know, I just did.

[15:40] It's like newsflash.

[15:42] I'm the one who did it.

[15:43] I know you're blind.

[15:44] You can't see that I'm the one standing here, but it's me.

[15:46] Also, she licks the blood off of her fingers from it, too, which is just like insult to injury because that woman can't even see that flex.

[15:54] She can't even tell.

[15:56] Unless her hearing has become so advanced in that moment that she can hear the sound of a tongue scraping.

[16:01] Oh, God.

[16:02] She's licking my blood.

[16:03] I know it.

[16:04] I hear a tongue scraping against fingerskin, but there's an extra level of liquid in there.

[16:09] It sounds a little different.

[16:11] So anyway, then we get the title screen for the first of our trilogy of error, let's say.

[16:16] Let's call it a trilogy of error.

[16:18] It's called The Albino Spider of Dejet, and the title frankly promises almost everything except one thing.

[16:25] We open with a CGI spider watching fake French people making out on a couch, and the woman does not want her shirt lifted up, but the man does it anyway to reveal she has eyes instead of nipples.

[16:37] Bum, bum, bum.

[16:39] She could have worn a bra.

[16:40] I'm just saying.

[16:42] It's probably uncomfortable.

[16:43] It's like a blindfold all the time.

[16:45] I really don't want to blame the woman in this scenario, but also, like, if she was making out with him as enthusiastically as she was, she probably could have anticipated that, like, he would try to take her shirt off at one point.

[16:59] Like, what was her plan initially, I guess?

[17:01] I mean, she does – at one point she does.

[17:03] Once we get to the point where –

[17:04] You're being weird, Dan.

[17:05] No, no.

[17:06] I mean, like –

[17:07] But she does say, like, oh, no, not again, so you would think, like, oh, okay, this is – yeah.

[17:12] I mean, that's the thing is once – once, shame on the guy.

[17:16] Twice, shame on her.

[17:17] She knows what people are going to respond to her.

[17:19] Yeah, she's just got to give, like, a little prep, like, don't freak out.

[17:22] Okay, here's something you should know.

[17:23] My nipples are a little different.

[17:24] I have eyes on my mammaries, and I know that's out of the ordinary.

[17:29] I will explain to you how that happened because the movie will not.

[17:33] I kept waiting.

[17:34] I was like, oh, I mean, at least I'm curious to find out how this happened.

[17:37] No.

[17:38] I think it's just supposed to be that she was born that way, which is not something that can happen in a human being as far as I know.

[17:43] Well, you know, there's a lot we don't know about.

[17:47] That's true.

[17:48] That's true.

[17:49] Maybe somewhere buried in the time-life mysteries books there.

[17:51] Yeah, I mean, this is like – it's like a Blechtrumel tin drum sort of thing, you know?

[17:55] Okay.

[17:56] Fair point, fair point.

[17:57] It's magical realism.

[17:58] This is the magical realism of the story.

[17:59] So he runs out.

[18:01] She, we learn, is Dejet, a model.

[18:04] A lot of – she's consoled by her bikini-wearing roommate.

[18:07] I guess neighbor.

[18:08] Neighbor.

[18:09] She has like a Kramer-type neighbor who just wanders into the apartment wearing a bikini top, which Kramer normally didn't do.

[18:15] And Dejet is so sad that she –

[18:17] Nine times out of ten.

[18:19] Yeah.

[18:20] She cries, and her tears knock that spider onto the floor, and it transforms, I guess through the power of her erotic sadness, into a spider monster man who declares his love for Dejet and said,

[18:32] while you sleep, I'm going to go out and snap women's necks.

[18:35] He is also into anal sex a lot, though, too, which is weird.

[18:38] Yeah, that was something that he –

[18:39] What?

[18:40] It's a real – it is character diamond.

[18:42] He is a man spider.

[18:43] He's a murderer, and he's only interested in that.

[18:46] Yeah.

[18:47] I totally missed that third part.

[18:49] I have no idea how.

[18:50] Really?

[18:51] Because he says it.

[18:52] Well, I mean, the movie's not – okay.

[18:56] No, you're right, Dan.

[18:57] The movie – things were flying fast and furious.

[18:59] You're right.

[19:00] The movie was – I mean, this was a real sneakers.

[19:02] You really had to pay close attention to figure out who was conning who.

[19:05] That's crazy.

[19:06] I know.

[19:07] A movie like this, much like Robert Altman's Images, it's throwing so much at you, and it's such a surreal vision that when the character walks up to another character and says, I'm going to bend you over and do you in the ass, I see how you can miss that.

[19:20] Okay.

[19:21] Because you're like, wait, what am I taking in here?

[19:24] So wait.

[19:25] Hold on.

[19:26] So I want to explain this character a little bit.

[19:27] He's a bit of like kind of a dark angel figure, like your pinheads a little bit or your candies men.

[19:36] Sure.

[19:37] But I kind of didn't understand why he was killing the specific people he was killing while she was asleep because it was like these people are not standing in her way somehow or something like this, or this is not fulfilling some need here that I can see.

[19:51] No, no.

[19:52] Because this story is twisted.

[19:53] In a regular story, this guy would go out and kill the men who had wronged her, and she'd be like, no, no, I didn't want that.

[20:00] is worse than the men who have wronged her and is just going out and killing women for no reason he

[20:05] just snaps their necks for no reason uh that implies that there could be a reason well no but

[20:11] i mean if this is a normal horror movie she'd have a she'd have a logical revenge reason yeah

[20:15] that's right for why this guy's got like monkey chimes that monkey's killing those people for a

[20:19] reason yeah no yeah police called a motive dan wait hold on hold on i did we mention that everyone

[20:26] has french accents yes i mean are they though uh they have someone's idea of a french accent

[20:32] because i thought i was just like okay i can see that these people moved to france from russia and

[20:41] and so that was the vibe i was getting yeah yes that's a fair point they all seemed like

[20:44] they were trafficked at some point to western europe from eastern europe well

[20:49] yeah it was very interesting i googled to find out why they all had french accents

[20:54] uh and i guess there's uh online you can find that there's a tweet saying that someone asked

[21:00] this at the premiere of danzig and he says oh they're in paris which is not something that the

[21:05] movie explains no i mean the movie is too busy just getting deep into the story of this spider's

[21:10] man snapping people's necks he kills her neighbor and she's horrified next he kills a prostitute in

[21:16] a very fake looking alley while she is falling asleep backstage at some side of sort of very

[21:20] low energy leather fetish model shoot where it's like it's like a shutterstock fetish

[21:28] you know they're gonna have a uh there's gonna be a watermark over the over the image

[21:33] four or five women kind of standing against the backdrop doing kind of a backup dancer

[21:39] for a robert palmer like kind of like sort of like lazy squirming i would call it yeah

[21:45] and the photographer's going beautiful sexy sexy beautiful and he's got the jankiest old

[21:51] camera too that part's great uh and uh she's happy to see on tv that uh the second victim

[21:58] has been found and the this is my favorite part is that the reporter reports that the

[22:02] police are already calling the murderer le neck breaker because it's france it's france

[22:08] so it's the neck breaker and it's not even like it's and also even even in america that would be

[22:14] a lazy name for a murderer who snaps people's necks the neck breaker yeah it's but it's a

[22:19] translation from french to english though yeah we lost something in the french in french it's

[22:24] probably beautiful yeah it's beautiful yeah the fact that he says le neck breaker was so funny

[22:30] to me because they're like oh yeah we gotta remind people it's france um to jet is doing her best to

[22:34] try to stay awake she goes to the movies and sees a uh goes to a porno theater where the marquee

[22:40] if i'm translating correctly i think it's nude without a face which is like uh i guess they're

[22:45] play on eyes without a face um and the guys in the theater she falls asleep of course she does

[22:50] she's so tired she's done nothing but sleep all movie and i mean there's a certain point at which

[22:55] like she doesn't need to sleep anymore right because she's slept for i think 40 hours straight

[23:00] while the neck breaker is just running around breaking necks yeah there's a there's a point

[23:04] where after she falls asleep one of the guys leans over to his buddy and he mansplains he's like

[23:08] this part coming up is great this is the part where she does it with this guy yeah i'm like

[23:13] ah realism yeah this guy yeah he's a real repeat customer but also he reminds me of like whenever i

[23:21] see so i don't want to get too deep into it but whenever i see like a pornographic video online i

[23:25] see that there are like comments below i'm like who are these people who are like i really need

[23:32] to let you know the exact quote that i organize from user flop house cat

[23:37] i just think it's this must be what it's like to go to a porn theater in new york in the middle of

[23:42] the day when it's just old people going to the movies because if my experience at film

[23:46] forum is any indication old people just love to talk to you about what's going on in the movie

[23:50] while the movie's going on so it's probably what it's like when they're at those theaters and they

[23:53] also sit too close to you yes the jet did a little bit too close to these guys in this theater i mean

[23:59] it's like an open theater and she's like i'll sit behind these two men

[24:04] what's okay uh they they uh they start pawing at her while she's asleep but this wakes her up

[24:09] interrupting the man spider in the middle of an act that dan didn't realize what he was doing

[24:14] but again we know that it is uh so wait this is a weird message so their assault uh saves a naked

[24:21] woman's life this is what i was gonna say i guess what i'm saying is there's no moral reason this

[24:26] movie should exist in any sense like i'm not one for censorship but if if the government was like

[24:32] we have to get every copy of this movie and burn it i'd be like well if you gotta burn one movie

[24:36] oh boy maybe this is the one this is so weird but anyway uh so she's like i gotta go somewhere

[24:46] she goes to a cafe which strangely enough has a neon sign that says cafe inside the restaurant on

[24:52] the cafe side of the window so that you can read it while you're in the cafe and know that you're

[24:56] in a cafe oh yeah it's it's a strange piece of set dressing um is this where she encounters the

[25:03] waiter with the absolute worst of the fake french accents yes the waiter comes in it's weird she

[25:08] sits down at a table where there's already a coffee mug sitting there and i was like that

[25:13] happens is it supposed to but then the waiter comes by and i think he's going to refill that mug

[25:18] do they just have the one mug at the restaurant

[25:21] like why can't the waiter bring a mug and the waiter is like you shouldn't be out you should

[25:26] be at home the neck breaker is out yeah but he says it crazier he's like break off yeah this guy

[25:32] this guy cares about necks because he has some very badly disguised neck tattoos peeking out

[25:37] from the collar of his waiter shirt oh yeah so he knows he's a target uh she goes home hangs out in

[25:43] her underwear for a little bit and then she has this elaborate plan to catch the neck breaker

[25:48] where she reports a murder on the phone to the police and then she looks at some pills that are

[25:53] on that are on a bedside table and the man spider shows up and the police knock at the door and she

[25:59] dies i assume having absorbed the energy of the medicine that she overdosed on just by looking

[26:04] at it she's absorbed it through her her eye beams and uh they break in and they find her and they

[26:10] find the man spider and they shoot it to death uh no questions asked and then chill about it

[26:16] it's yeah and they look down at him and they're like there's the neck breaker

[26:20] pale as a ghost and i was like do you not want to comment on the fact that he has six arms

[26:25] like is this not something worthy of mentioning it's also a very straight like this if i'm not

[26:30] mistaken this is like the last few shots of the movie is like the camera on the floor in

[26:35] the neck breakers point of view shot and these like detectives looming over him looking down

[26:40] like they're in a football huddle and they just like exchange a few lines about the neck breaker

[26:44] like very casually like it was like oh and how about the weather today and then like the thing

[26:49] ends it's like well then well that they don't then they look down at her and they go oh she

[26:55] has eyes on her boobs and they're like oh and that's the end of the story and then it comes

[27:00] to morella and that's when morella says well there you go the eyes have it which doesn't make any

[27:05] sense the laziest pun and it is so nonsensical do you do you think do you think the movie would

[27:17] have been do you think this story would have been salvaged if the coroner came in and like

[27:21] closed the eyes on her face and put pennies down or whatever did you guys forget i kept forgetting

[27:31] throughout that she had eyes on her tits yeah because they don't talk about it yeah it's just

[27:36] like and then i was like oh shit that's right oh that's weird it seems like it is the most

[27:42] noteworthy thing about the story and yet it's the one thing that i mean i don't run in the

[27:47] same circles that danzig runs in maybe that's not that weird a thing where he's from but certainly

[27:52] that's i kept being like are they gonna explain about that or yeah do you think do you think it's

[27:56] like a product of the body mod community he's into and like when she was a kid she got these

[28:01] eyes put on there and she's like i can't get him like it's way harder to get them swapped out with

[28:06] normal style nipples normal style well the way well the way the thing with nipples classic yeah

[28:13] the way the thing treats it it's like i feel like it they forget about it because danzig only like

[28:20] cares about it as motivation for her erotic frustrations but i also think that that's

[28:25] hilarious like he couldn't come up with a simpler normal reason for it he's like hmm

[28:30] why is this woman sexually frustrated like i know men are creeped out by her eye boobs

[28:36] but that's okay i like this one okay this i mean this is the best yeah this is the one

[28:41] where i was just like okay if this is the first one like let's hang in what's gonna happen because

[28:46] there's like great lines like milk or beer milk or beer like when the the roommate or the creamer

[28:52] person oh yeah like going through a refrigerator and it's just like what when are those ever

[29:00] wow the detail in this i mean that really reveals character i'm a bartender so those

[29:05] that's usually what i ask people when they come into the bar milk or beer the two the two drinks

[29:11] that we there was like a little bit of like unnecessary back and forth cattiness between

[29:15] the other models at the photo shoot oh yeah and it was like she's like oh if you're feeling so

[29:19] soft-hearted how about lending me some money ha ha ha ha yeah it's like are you trying to build

[29:23] this up as like a world that these people are in because we never see any of them again like but

[29:28] it could have been that's the thing we're like it really could have been and i kept being like oh

[29:33] the funny thing is that like if you look on imdb there's only one writing credit and it's danzig

[29:38] but if you actually watch the credits there's four writing credits including danzig and i was

[29:43] watching it with my friend janet and uh my husband and we read the credits and we were like holy shit

[29:48] did bridgette write this movie we knew one of the writers and we texted her she's a comedian

[29:55] and we were like did you write veronica she's like

[30:00] No, I don't think so. But first off, what an answer. Secondly, I guess she had worked on a project with Danzig for Shudder, and then something happened, like it disappeared. And then she was like, oh, I guess he stole some stuff. And I was like, okay.

[30:18] I mean, because I imagine my vision is Danzig checking the IMDB profile every day to delete other names that got added.

[30:26] Because that is the sign of a professional director.

[30:31] So that's by far the most coherent and the most legible of the stories. It has the most story in it.

[30:38] And it has more weird stuff than the other things, which is nice. The other ones are a lot more boring.

[30:45] Well, if you guys liked that little tale, I'll be summarizing the next ghoulish adventure.

[30:53] Oh, boy, you're really getting into it. Much more than Marella, who says, well, there you go, the eyes have it. And then it fades out and we just get the title of the next story.

[31:02] And what is that title?

[31:03] The title is Change of Face. And it's also a change of font than the last one.

[31:09] Change of typeface.

[31:12] So we we open on the hot L.A. streets. A strange woman, almost a mystery girl, if you would, is stalking another woman.

[31:23] And by stalking, I mean they're like standing on other ends of the alley.

[31:26] The mystery woman has a knife and is like, I just want to cut off your face.

[31:29] And she's like, no way. And then she does it. She cuts off her face.

[31:33] The mystery woman is very offended that this other woman won't give her her face.

[31:38] So cut to the interior of a hard rock strip club that we later learn is called Pussycats.

[31:46] It's very cool. It's the sort of it's I feel like hold on.

[31:51] I feel like there's two different types of ways you can like there's two different guys who make movies of strip clubs.

[31:57] You have the ones that are like, let's make it look awesome.

[32:00] And those are totally fabricated. And then there's like a strip club in like HBO's The Outsider where you're like, oh, this looks right.

[32:08] This this super long, boring show. This is what a strip club actually looks like.

[32:14] So so what made it so cool, Stuart, other than the incredible hard rock tunes?

[32:19] There's banging hard rock tunes. There's the same regulars hanging out.

[32:24] The the shots are angled in a way that you can still see the ceiling struts and it still looks like a cheap strip club.

[32:31] Dan, you thought it was pretty cool. You're a you're a regular at Pussycats, right?

[32:38] You're that gentleman wearing the cowboy hat with the nameplate fuck on the front of it.

[32:46] This movie is so intensely just focused on undressing women.

[32:55] And yet you said it didn't appeal to you.

[32:58] Yeah, well, again, there's killing in it, too.

[33:02] But he watched it with his mom. It was a it was a tough watch probably.

[33:06] Yeah, but it was because your mom asked. She wanted to watch it, right?

[33:08] Yeah. Yeah. She's a big dancing fan, right? That's why she named you Dan.

[33:12] And I'm not. I'm certainly not.

[33:18] I'm certainly not arguing for more nudity when I make this observation.

[33:22] But like this movie is like so concerned with sex.

[33:26] It looks skeptical. And then like the strip club very frequently is like not very naked women on stage.

[33:34] So it has that thing that like all movies have to have where they're like the strip club where people aren't getting new that much.

[33:41] You see women just kind of like swinging around poles for the length of an entire song.

[33:46] Yeah, it does feel a little bit like an at like an infomercial for strip clubs.

[33:50] Yeah. But these aren't strippers like I think that people are getting there.

[33:54] Like he got his sex workers mixed up.

[33:56] We're just like he hired porn stars to play strippers.

[33:59] But like strippers is a different specialty. Yeah.

[34:02] And I were just criticizing the stripping. I was just like, what is going on?

[34:06] You are so unprofessional. It just felt it was off.

[34:11] Yeah, it was off. I've watched this with Audrey and like the mystery girl that comes up later.

[34:15] She was like, she's just swinging her cape around.

[34:18] I mean, she is a cape around.

[34:20] So by far the it's by far the most lackluster dance I've ever seen.

[34:24] It does not deserve the intro or the pseudonym.

[34:26] Yeah. With with about the same amount of excitement.

[34:29] The hype man DJ at the Pussycats brings up the new dancer.

[34:35] That's right. The mystery girl who is a woman wearing a cape.

[34:40] And she has skulls taped over her nipples.

[34:43] And she is wearing a veil that does very little to disguise the scarred marks around her eyeballs,

[34:51] which ends up scaring off some potential tippers.

[34:55] And she mainly dance by wiggling her cape or cape around.

[35:00] Yeah, I think it's very funny that they're like, here she is, the mystery girl,

[35:04] the girl who's showing even less than all the other girls because she has a cape on.

[35:08] Well, the cape stays there the whole time.

[35:10] Like, it's not like it's a mystery.

[35:12] It's not like a Riddler themed stripper, which if I hear mystery girl, correct me if I'm wrong.

[35:17] I want to see a stripper who's themed like the Riddler from the Batman series.

[35:21] Maybe she's wearing an outfit covered in question marks,

[35:23] or maybe she's hurling riddles out to the crowd and they have to solve them before she'll take any clothes off.

[35:28] Or what if it's like a mystery date style thing where it's like, open the door for your mystery girl.

[35:33] And like she opens the door and that's what she's doing.

[35:35] Like it's a burlesque thing where she was kind of like a slow tease before.

[35:39] Like she closes the door and then takes off an outfit and then opens the door again.

[35:44] But they play the jingle every single time they open the door.

[35:47] So it drives people insane.

[35:49] You guys have some interesting desires.

[35:54] That's a pretty good summary of this podcast.

[35:57] But I think that like also the mystery girl is really bad at her job.

[36:02] I don't know why she's doing it because there's a guy who's like offering her a $100 bill

[36:07] and all she does is bend down and stare at him until he goes away

[36:12] and like sees that she's got someone else's skin over her skin.

[36:17] And it's just like you could just take the money.

[36:20] You don't have to like intimidate her.

[36:23] I think she's mad because she does it for the art and it cheapens her performance to accept money for it.

[36:28] Well, that plays into something weird.

[36:30] She's like Banksy that way.

[36:33] When we were watching this, Audrey's like, OK, so she puts like other people's skin over her face.

[36:40] So as we found out, the mystery girl later on, we find out mystery girl is the same mystery woman from earlier

[36:45] who has been cutting off women's faces and putting it over her own face, which is,

[36:50] she describes as horribly scarred, but it's kind of like on par with Ryan Reynolds in the Deadpool movies

[36:55] where you're like, oh, you're fine.

[36:58] I let the cat out of the bag because I felt like it was already wriggled out a little bit.

[37:03] No, she's got some scratches on the side of her face where it's just like, you know, laser therapy is a thing.

[37:08] And also like a lot of people have some stuff on their face.

[37:13] If Bill Murray can be a huge movie star, there's a reason she can't live a normal life.

[37:16] Yeah.

[37:17] But no, the thing is like...

[37:20] But sometimes the deepest stars are the ones you can't see.

[37:22] I've been trying to make this point for so long now.

[37:25] Well, Dan, maybe you should like make it then.

[37:27] Oh, God.

[37:30] No, we were watching it and this woman puts a face on her face.

[37:35] And Audrey pointed out that her cheeks look normal in this scenario.

[37:39] And yet that's the part of her face that she chooses to cover with a mask,

[37:43] whereas her eyes are on display.

[37:45] You can see the holes where she's put eye holes in this other skin.

[37:49] Yeah, you would think if she was going to dance around with a mask over her lower part of her face,

[37:55] she doesn't need to wear someone else's face, right?

[37:57] Because the lower half of her, like, you're not seeing that part.

[38:01] Her plan doesn't make sense.

[38:02] So you're saying, Dan, your big issue is that you can see it's a poor makeup job when she puts this mask on.

[38:08] She's not exactly the Rick Baker of stealing other people's faces and putting them on her face.

[38:11] I mean, like, wear like a Zorro mask over your eyes.

[38:15] Oh, like a domino?

[38:16] The rest of it.

[38:17] Yeah, domino mask.

[38:18] Maybe that could be part of your Riddler-themed strip routine.

[38:20] Yeah, yeah.

[38:21] Or Batlesque.

[38:22] Batlesque is, of course, Batman-themed burlesque.

[38:25] You have there's a woman Batman, there's a woman Joker, there's a woman Riddler, there's a guy who does Catwoman.

[38:31] You know, we're just mixing things up.

[38:34] It's Batlesque.

[38:35] So now back to that alleyway where the cops are spending a long time standing over the murdered girl.

[38:43] They're kind of just dicking around.

[38:46] Same here.

[38:47] Yeah, the cops are kind of they do spend a lot of time just hanging around.

[38:50] Just standing over naked murdered women.

[38:54] And it's, you know, it's a lot of, you know, like boilerplate cop dialogue probably gleaned from watching a couple episodes of SVU

[39:03] while Glenn Danzig is drifting off to dreamland at night and he needs just one last story to put him over the edge.

[39:10] So SVU is Special Veronica Unit.

[39:12] Yeah.

[39:13] Some cops handle Special Veronica crimes.

[39:16] So Mystery Girl, we find, has a pretty Spartan changing area where she has a bunch of faces nailed to the wall and a little vanity.

[39:31] She, you know, talks to herself, talks to the masks.

[39:34] She goes and finds a new victim.

[39:36] Now when you say masks, you mean faces.

[39:38] Yeah, faces.

[39:40] Aren't all faces a mask at the end of the day?

[39:42] And so she opens somebody's apartment door using an apartment key.

[39:47] That's not really explained.

[39:48] It's fine.

[39:49] But they show it.

[39:50] So it's important.

[39:51] She goes in.

[39:52] The woman is a little surprised to have a stranger in her home.

[39:56] And then she's even more surprised when her face is demanded.

[40:00] that as payment so the mystery girl and uh... this new victims struck a struggle

[40:06] uh... it's kind of awkward they kinda you know they kinda sit and look at a

[40:09] knife for a bit and then they uh... like kinda wrestle

[40:13] and then she slowly touches the woman's face with a knife and blood comes out

[40:18] uh... and then she takes the face off and then the woman standing there

[40:21] without a face and she's like my face my face thus closing the loop

[40:26] uh...

[40:27] the

[40:28] we then get a you know we get another shot of the of cops inside uh... this

[40:33] woman's apartment

[40:34] there's like a new detective that's like okay give me the brief and uh... first

[40:38] detective explains that he's like all right all right

[40:41] the fact of the one that's kind of like

[40:43] uh... michael checklist type that was the original guys and i don't want to

[40:48] put it on like the grappling batman voice yeah and and and we find out that

[40:52] there's been thirteen murders so they're taking their time

[40:55] and they're worried that the press is going to find out because i don't know

[40:59] we have thirteen murders they said? yeah they said there's thirteen murders and

[41:03] they're nervous about the press coming out because they're like

[41:06] you know as soon as the press finds out they're going to come out with some

[41:08] badass name like le nek breaker or something

[41:11] le facetaker

[41:14] but like in the end though when you see all the faces there aren't thirteen

[41:17] faces so that

[41:19] means that there's another facetaker i mean or i gotta imagine there's a shelf

[41:23] life for a disemb... for a removed face like at a certain point she's like these

[41:27] faces are getting pretty rank i gotta replace them it doesn't mean that there are thirteen ghosts

[41:31] running around out there after

[41:33] yeah now late i think you misspoke you said shelf life but they're clearly

[41:36] nailed to the wall oh sorry sorry i meant wall life it doesn't seem like a good way to store like faces you put on your face

[41:41] it's a very poor way to store anything especially faces you're

[41:46] going to put on your face so the uh... detective i wouldn't even store a coat that way

[41:50] to nail it to the wall like and i'm gonna... like i'll hang it on a nail but come on

[41:58] actually i never really thought about it i probably shouldn't store my face on the

[42:01] wall with a nail through it thanks a lot you gotta imagine she walks over to the next wall

[42:05] to like get dressed for her job and all her underpants are nailed to the wall

[42:09] like come on lady buy a dresser you have no furniture except for this table and this little vanity mirror

[42:15] well she's not making money that's for damn sure that's true that's true

[42:18] yeah she comes home she's just bought a twelve pack of LaCroix each one she nails to the wall

[42:23] oh they're just going to leak out come on

[42:26] uh... so of course uh... detective michael chiklis now i met her she's she's but she's

[42:30] but she's gets a uh... package of craft singles and she's like i don't want all

[42:34] these right now and nails them to the wall individually no unlike a normal non like a

[42:39] non-murderer person who buys a pack of craft singles and eats every single one in one sitting

[42:45] yeah it's called dinners too it's called dinner

[42:48] so detective michael chiklis look you had a hard day at work you just want to sit down

[42:53] and just make your way through a sixty four pack of craft singles and you know what you

[42:57] know it's a lot of extra waste because of the wrapping around every single one of the

[43:01] single but at the same time it's kind of more where you get a little bit of enjoyment too

[43:05] because it's like look i work hard all day why don't i get a little bit of luxury here

[43:09] the luxury of knowing that each of these singles was individually wrapped just for me because

[43:14] really the anticipation of the unwrapping is more enjoyable than the eating of the single

[43:18] maybe i'm out on a limb here maybe this is pretty uh... radical

[43:21] now it's like the joy of a hard boiled egg as well

[43:23] exactly yes it's the unwrapping of the individually plastic wrapped egg

[43:26] yeah see it would be a deterrent for me because the fact that i have to peel off the plastic

[43:30] each time gives me time to think about what i'm doing

[43:33] yeah and that when you're eating craft singles for dinner that is your enemy is thinking

[43:38] about what you're doing that's true

[43:39] and that's the thing

[43:40] you want to get into

[43:41] the great thing about it is that in order to properly do it you have to maintain conscious

[43:46] competence now guys i've done a little bit of uh... you know i used to be a trainer professionally

[43:50] so it's all about keeping employees in that place where they know exactly what they're

[43:55] doing and why they're doing it and that's what you're doing when you're eating craft

[43:57] singles because if you don't pay attention you're eating plastic and you can't do that

[44:01] yeah exactly that's right but you want to have just enough brain power that you know

[44:05] what you're doing to unwrap it and not eat the plastic and not enough brain power that

[44:09] you're realizing you're just eating sixty-four slices of american cheese for dinner and that's

[44:13] why you want to watch something like house hunters where you don't need to pay full attention

[44:17] to it because it's the same exact show every single time but you want to pay just enough

[44:21] attention to it so that you can know why the house they chose is not the right house for

[44:25] them in the end

[44:26] so detective michael chiklis finds a break in the case he finds a business card for the

[44:31] pussycats erotic dance club and he

[44:35] it looks like pussy rats though

[44:37] it does look like pussy rats i feel like they should use a uh... like they should use

[44:42] somebody like a graphic designer to fix that for them

[44:45] maybe that's the name of this place

[44:47] i thought it was is it pussy rats or is it pussy cats

[44:50] i don't know if it's ever said out loud is it

[44:52] no it's never said out loud but it certainly looks like pussy rats on that card

[44:56] i guess i gave them the benefit of the doubt you know

[44:58] i think it's weird that she is carrying around her business card when she's going out hunting

[45:03] faces but also where the police officer is never like oh the killer has been at this

[45:08] place he's like well looks like it's mystery girl yeah like he kind of knows the dancer

[45:12] right away

[45:13] and he looks at the camera and after hassling the door guy for a little bit he's like do

[45:17] you know who mystery girl is and he's like i know a lot of girls buddy uh... detective

[45:22] michael chiklis uh... takes a look at the camera and he says ready or not mystery girl

[45:27] here i come and then he goes and hassles some of the dancers he threatens to shoot them

[45:32] well one of the dancers she's like mystery girl a police officer came you gotta go i'll

[45:36] stall him and he goes hey do you know where mystery girl is and she's like uh... i don't

[45:39] know what huh like that's her version of stalling is just to like just to irritate him for a

[45:44] moment yeah yeah she doesn't have a lot of fucking improv training right ellen

[45:49] i mean maybe she does i don't know maybe it's just bad improv training

[45:52] okay uh... i'm not i'm well i guess you're right so the detective hassles some dancers

[45:56] i guess what i'm saying is stewie you don't know her background or her life maybe maybe

[46:00] maybe she went to uh... like level one training and just didn't pursue it afterwards

[46:06] uh... so he then uh... i feel like this is comedy that's very specific to like say

[46:10] our group of people and not the world well certainly stew is not interested in it so

[46:15] continue stew what happens next uh... yeah so uh... the detective goes into uh... his

[46:21] path the the trail for the mystery girl leads him into a dark uh... warehouse

[46:27] where he is uh... ambushed by the mystery girl who stabs him and then he shoots her

[46:31] a couple times and he

[46:33] makes some grand uh... proclamation of vengeance yeah then we get a title card six months later

[46:40] uh oh

[46:41] we're in a new club

[46:42] and a new dj introduces a hot new dancer that's right

[46:46] onto the stage walks

[46:48] mysteria

[46:50] who is dancing with obvious bullet scars and another mask

[46:54] she then takes a hundred dollar bill rips it in half and walks out and we're like that's

[46:58] the real crime i guess

[46:59] yeah it's a weird ending because you're

[47:03] because it's not an ending yeah that's this time leap and you expect

[47:07] like either the point is

[47:09] that

[47:10] oh no she's she's like gone on to another club and she's just gonna do the same thing

[47:14] again in which case they don't

[47:16] need to let her do her whole dance one more time

[47:19] or

[47:20] as she does the dance she leans down and sees that the detective bent on vengeance

[47:25] catching up with her

[47:27] but like i mean like or the detective wearing someone else's face and he's like i get

[47:31] it now yeah or or the detective and he's holding a uh... a bunch of marriage

[47:36] photos of the two of them from the honeymoon yeah and you're like a lot's happened in six

[47:40] months this is a very eventful six months so i guess what i'm saying is but either of those choices would have been

[47:46] endings neither would have been good endings but like at least they would have

[47:49] provide some kind of closure well this is my new theory about veronica that i just came up with now

[47:53] is that

[47:53] the movie represents the uh... dissolution of the human mind and the way

[47:58] that

[47:58] uh... narratives have frayed in this modern world we live in because the first story there's a

[48:02] beginning

[48:03] woman is spurned by a lover and cries on a spider there's a middle

[48:06] spider becomes a monster murderer and is breaking women's necks

[48:09] and an end women sacrifice herself to stop monster murderer somehow

[48:13] second story there's a beginning

[48:15] somebody's stealing faces

[48:16] there's a middle the police are after the face stealer and there's no ending

[48:19] and the third story as dan will go into has neither a beginning or an end it's all

[48:23] middle so i i don't actually i'm having trouble remembering i know it's crazy

[48:29] uh... it's crazy because

[48:30] these little interstitial segments made a pretty big impact uh... when i watch

[48:34] them but what does morella say in between these two

[48:38] i wish i remembered exactly what something like

[48:41] well that's a look at a different faces and she's holding her face in her hands

[48:45] and she's like

[48:46] what she should say is yep we still have the props from that one

[48:49] and that face i couldn't tell

[48:52] was it supposed to be the

[48:53] the cop like

[48:55] audrey's like is that the cop's face i'm like no i don't think so i think it's just a face

[48:58] and then i like looked at him like

[49:00] could be that's just the human brain searching for connections

[49:04] yes that's exactly what i was going to say dan you are you are searching for logic in a

[49:08] world without it well but i'd say like if danzig if danzig

[49:12] meant that to be the kicker of the story it is so incompetently delivered

[49:17] that like there's no way of telling whether or not

[49:20] that was it

[49:21] i don't know that there's meant to be a kicker in this story well that's what i'm saying

[49:25] possibly not but maybe there was

[49:27] maybe it's anti-narrative what you guys didn't hear was elliot go

[49:31] after he googled erotica quotes on imdb and there were none

[49:35] and he was like huh huh okay

[49:39] i was like i'll look up and see maybe someone put morella's lines onto imdb they're very

[49:43] quotable the eyes have it and they were not available no one has yet done that work so

[49:49] i was just disappointed in not being able to find it but it is something like it is

[49:52] some it like oh that's a face of a different color or something like that like it's some

[49:56] dumb thing that doesn't make sense you know

[49:58] yeah

[50:00] So Morella, she is there. It is anti-narrative, as you're saying. Morella is there more to confuse us.

[50:05] The Cryptkeeper, for instance, he's there to ease us into the story and make it okay for us that we're watching a ghoul tell a tale of kind of humorous macabre.

[50:16] Yeah, it's a brief port in a storm. It's a safe space in between two scary towns.

[50:22] At the end of every Tales from the Crypt, you're like, ah, ah! And it comes back to the Cryptkeeper, you're like, oh, thank goodness, I'm just an evil crypt listening to a corpse talk to me.

[50:29] And he's also there at the end of a story to either sort of give you the moral or to just kind of gloat over what happened.

[50:37] Yes, whereas Morella is there to kind of very, in a very bored, apathetic way, give you the least possible amount of wordplay before shuffling you off to the next title card.

[50:50] She might say something like, well, like, and here's another or something like that.

[50:55] Okay, so I guess it's my turn, and this is going to be hard. I may need your help because, as Elliot says, it's all middle.

[51:02] And I requested this one because I was like, I don't know if I am prepared to do a summary.

[51:10] I'm like, okay, that'll be the easiest one because nothing happens in it. But the fact that nothing happens in it makes it very hard to remember.

[51:17] You should just start with the beginning. What's the title? I will give you $50 right now if you take the title.

[51:24] Is it something like Drugia Countess or something like that?

[51:28] Oh, boy.

[51:29] You're not close enough, my man. What is it?

[51:31] Drukidja, Countess of Blood.

[51:33] Okay. Well, that's close.

[51:35] So Stuart gets to keep his Ulysses S. Grant in his pocket.

[51:38] Okay. So this story starts with – you see the titular Drukidja, right?

[51:45] And is she like – is this like in the modern world, this first shot?

[51:50] Almost certainly no since she's riding around in a medieval village on a horse.

[51:55] She's smearing stuff on her face.

[51:57] First she's smearing blood on her face.

[51:59] Okay.

[52:00] And so she is a Bathory-type evil countess.

[52:03] No, no. I'm going to get to that. I'm going to get to that.

[52:05] Okay. Sorry. I mean you seemed confused about when the most basic setting of the story –

[52:10] No. Well, it confused me when I was watching it because I was like, oh, this is the modern world, and then it jumps way back in time.

[52:16] And I thought that maybe it was indicating that because this is a Countess Bathory character, she hasn't aged over like decades and decades.

[52:23] But now I see that it is just Glyn Dan's incompetence at making it look like it's olden times.

[52:29] Yes.

[52:30] That made me think like, oh, this is happening in an apartment somewhere.

[52:33] So anyway, she's riding –

[52:35] Dan's search for meaning in this movie is like that Shining documentary.

[52:39] Yeah. Dan is really room 237-ing this thing where I think the rest of us were all like, oh, this is a piece of junk.

[52:45] Dan's like, what is Glyn trying to tell me?

[52:48] Is this about the extermination of the Native Americans?

[52:51] What's going on here?

[52:53] I think that for me part of the enjoyment of that movie watching is the psychological disconnect, like trying to find meaning in what the hell they were thinking and how badly they failed.

[53:07] I think what Glyn was thinking with this one was cool.

[53:10] She's naked and she's going to get blood on her.

[53:12] So OK.

[53:14] She's riding her horse around and I guess –

[53:17] And the villagers are giving her some serious fucking side-eye, right?

[53:20] Yeah.

[53:22] Now, Dan, would you – how would you rate her on a scale of countesses?

[53:25] Ten meaning great countess takes good care of the peasants and zero meaning bathes in the peasant's daughter's blood.

[53:31] I would give it a zero.

[53:33] OK, fair, fair.

[53:35] I just can't remember the order of the victims.

[53:37] OK, so she goes –

[53:39] Do like servants bring the first victim or is that later on?

[53:41] She goes to a barn and she buys a virgin girl from that girl's mom.

[53:46] Isn't it pronounced virkin?

[53:48] They say virgins.

[53:50] So her mom is like, you're going to go live with the countess now.

[53:54] It's going to be great, and then counts the meager number of coins that have been placed in her palm.

[53:58] And she's brought to the castle to be overseen by the evil Sheska.

[54:02] Yeah.

[54:04] No, that was her name?

[54:05] Named after the evilest of children's book authors, John Sheska, author of The Stinky Cheese Man

[54:10] and The True Story of the Three Little Pigs and also the Truck Town series.

[54:14] April is shaking her head no.

[54:20] So this first one is the one that like the wrists are slit and they're like – she's strung up in the bath, right?

[54:27] Yep.

[54:28] Yeah, she has a big bath.

[54:29] It looks like a giant demon skeleton.

[54:30] The bath gets its own credit in the opening credits.

[54:33] Yeah.

[54:35] Oh, really?

[54:36] Yeah, it's an amazing – it says like demon tub buy or something like that.

[54:40] Oh, yeah.

[54:41] The Kansas Bowling is the one who's got her wrists slit and she's just like sitting topless.

[54:45] She looks really comfortable.

[54:46] Is that one of those bathtubs where you can like open the door and just climb out?

[54:50] It has to be because Glenn is getting on in years.

[54:53] Because those are the kind of – the thing about those tubs is like I can't imagine it's good for you to be like –

[54:58] like an old person to just sit there while the tub slowly drains, getting colder and colder.

[55:04] I mean there's only – you got to make your choices.

[55:07] You can either have to step over a tub or die of pneumonia.

[55:10] Those are your two choices.

[55:11] Yeah.

[55:12] Now, here's the thing.

[55:13] It's not a claw foot tub.

[55:14] It's a claw hand tub because it's a big demon skeleton.

[55:17] Yeah.

[55:18] All right.

[55:19] So –

[55:20] Now, Dan, you recently installed a bidet in your house.

[55:22] So you like bathroom fixture jokes, right?

[55:24] Yes.

[55:26] More about that later maybe.

[55:28] I don't know.

[55:29] So she's got her arms tied up and it is in this very artful organization because like the bath –

[55:36] Is it artful?

[55:37] Well, no.

[55:38] I'll explain what I'm saying.

[55:39] The bath is full of blood, completely filled with blood.

[55:43] Essentially from this woman who is totally clean of blood except for like some like streaks going down from where her wrists were slashed.

[55:54] So apparently there was no spray of any kind.

[55:56] This is like –

[55:58] Or clotting.

[55:59] Yeah.

[56:00] Yeah.

[56:01] True.

[56:02] I guess your wrists don't usually clot.

[56:03] And also –

[56:04] That's the way people get themselves.

[56:05] Yeah.

[56:06] But you'd think that like the tub would have some clotting in it, which is like –

[56:08] Yeah.

[56:09] It's not as like cool to see like just big blood clots like all over her face.

[56:13] Yeah, like congeals.

[56:14] Like it's just gross.

[56:15] Well, that –

[56:16] So you're saying that – so Sheska has been using some sort of thinner to like keep things –

[56:21] Yeah.

[56:22] Yeah.

[56:23] I mean, if you look at the look of the blood, the blood looks like sort of cherry Kool-Aid much more than it does like a thick human substance of any kind.

[56:33] That's what's inside all of us, Dan.

[56:35] Cherry Kool-Aid.

[56:37] And if I was going to be –

[56:38] I mean inside the Kool-Aid, man.

[56:39] I mean if I was going to be generous, I could think like maybe this was a choice that Danzig was making because this movie is so clearly influenced by Jello movies and like he wants to be –

[56:51] I don't know, Dario Argento or something, the way he's using color and stuff.

[56:55] Stewart again looks very dubious.

[56:57] I think maybe Dan meant that it's been influenced by Jello movies.

[57:00] OK.

[57:01] Commercials for Jello.

[57:02] It is documented.

[57:04] Danzig has said this and this is what he's trying to do.

[57:07] So maybe in a more generous frame of mind, I'd say, OK, the blood looks like Kool-Aid because he's trying to match that kind of heightened fake look of those films.

[57:18] That bright red intensity.

[57:19] Yeah.

[57:20] Yeah.

[57:21] I can absolutely give him that because I do think he's trying to do some kind of Jello stuff and there's certainly that represented in the first thing where the woman gets her eyes poked out because that is the staple of the Jello genre.

[57:34] Eyes get stabbed.

[57:36] You get out of the way, eyes get stabbed.

[57:39] Yeah, yeah.

[57:40] Bring your safety glasses.

[57:44] OK.

[57:45] So she bathes in this woman's blood for what felt like two hours.

[57:50] It's a long bath.

[57:53] And just when you're like, bath time's probably over, they bring another victim in and the victim is like, just kind of like a little concerned.

[58:02] And then they just cut her throat.

[58:04] And like it's a Monty Python meaning of life vomit style, like arterial spray, which I mean, they would be like a lot of spray from the neck at first, but it goes on so long.

[58:16] Like her blood pressure would have dropped so quickly.

[58:19] And it just sprays and sprays her like a shower.

[58:21] I mean, all of this also, it gets like we were saying, blood is gross.

[58:25] And like it's like in Blade, right, when the blood is just squirting out of the ceiling onto all the party goers.

[58:30] Blood's gross.

[58:31] Like it's like sticky and disgusting.

[58:33] Like if you're going to get coated in it, like it's going to feel awful.

[58:36] And like it's not like you're in the shower.

[58:38] It's gross.

[58:39] Well, she loves it, obviously.

[58:40] But I want to – I do want to speak to –

[58:44] That's fair.

[58:45] That's fair.

[58:46] She has love in life.

[58:47] She's like, this is my best life right now.

[58:48] I want to speak to the Countess's like affect because I think that they're trying to suggest this kind of constant like orgasmic feel from the blood maybe.

[58:59] Like just – or like wonderment.

[59:02] But like she looks like an alien maybe who has arrived on earth for the first time and is just sort of taking in and amazed at everything.

[59:13] But it's just like her bathing in blood.

[59:15] She's got this constant dazed amazement on her face while she's doing it.

[59:20] What do you think Danzig was telling her, like directing her?

[59:23] Like what do you think like he was giving her as like motivation or like do it like this?

[59:29] What was he saying?

[59:30] Yeah.

[59:31] Do you think he climbed in the bath and he's like, do it like this?

[59:34] And then he like took a bath for like four days and you're like, OK, I guess this is how this scene is going to go.

[59:41] I mean I think he was probably just telling like this is the best – like this is the best feeling you've ever had in life.

[59:46] You love it. You love blood.

[59:47] It's re-energizing you and it's making you young and beautiful all the time because she – at a certain point I think Sheska is like, oh, you're looking younger and more beautiful than ever or something like that.

[59:58] And otherwise it's never –

[59:59] Sheska was directing.

[1:00:00] being her in this it's like never really explained why she's doing this

[1:00:04] yeah that and because she's just mean I guess like she's just a

[1:00:08] a weirdo I don't think this this this movie does assume that you're already

[1:00:12] familiar with the story of countess Bathory

[1:00:14] who bathed in blood to make herself young forever

[1:00:18] allegedly allegedly well let's say that a lot of powerful women

[1:00:22] history is usually pretty kind to women in power

[1:00:26] you're right that's fair when a woman is in power usually people

[1:00:29] are treated with dignity and respect and they don't say that she bathes in

[1:00:32] blood or has sex with a horse or any of those things

[1:00:36] this movie assumes that you know that already so it doesn't feel the need to

[1:00:39] be like

[1:00:40] give her any motivation for anything she's doing

[1:00:43] um is this where she stares into the mirror for another

[1:00:46] yes she stares in the mirror for a couple hours and then

[1:00:50] she kills another virgin and bathes in her blood I think we can skip forward to when

[1:00:53] she goes to the woods and has an encounter with the wolf

[1:00:56] to be honest there's a lot of me riding the 10 second skip button in this

[1:01:00] story I should have done that

[1:01:03] I should have done that she goes to the woods she's got a piece of meat with her that I

[1:01:07] guess is part of one of her victims although it looks like just a steak

[1:01:11] from the store I mean she can buy steak dude she's the countess

[1:01:14] yeah and this like wolf dog

[1:01:19] comes to her at least that's what we're supposed to be like we're supposed to think like this is a

[1:01:22] real cool

[1:01:24] threatening wolf

[1:01:26] I don't think we're supposed to think it's really lame and boring

[1:01:30] it's clearly a good boy

[1:01:34] and I kept waiting for a plot to kick in

[1:01:37] oh okay now she's gonna like encounter the devil in the woods or something she's

[1:01:41] gonna get in over her head

[1:01:42] and she's gonna get her just desserts no that doesn't happen and later

[1:01:46] she's in the village again and her men are like looking at each other like this

[1:01:49] is crazy are we really doing this as waiting for them to like rise up and

[1:01:52] overthrow her

[1:01:53] that doesn't happen it's just like it's just a cat it's just

[1:01:56] scene after scene of her just being just like a badass killer

[1:02:00] countess yeah he just it's realism though you know

[1:02:03] because that's just like well no one's gonna stop her I guess we just keep doing this

[1:02:07] I guess so and wait is there just basically just another victim and that's the end

[1:02:13] well she cuts open she cuts open a virgin and eats her heart for a while

[1:02:17] yep and that takes a while and then the cat one of the captives escapes and she

[1:02:21] runs for a little bit then she gets captured again and that's when it gets decapitated

[1:02:24] and they hold up the fakest looking head

[1:02:28] that was pretty awesome though right seems like a waste

[1:02:32] it seems like all that blood spraying on the ground I'm like

[1:02:35] why is the blood gonna why is the ground gonna look younger

[1:02:39] yeah why are they I was just like they're wasting so much

[1:02:42] blood yeah that is it's like just

[1:02:45] I don't know is he responsible she I think she saw that head and she was like

[1:02:49] I want I collect these now and she holds up this head and the only way it could have been faker is if they put a wig on a Mr. Potato Head

[1:02:55] and she held it up like it's it looks like it's like

[1:02:58] if she is holding up Wilson from Cast Away yeah it would have looked better

[1:03:01] than what she has there but she takes his head home and she goes into a room where she's got like

[1:03:06] 20 other human heads on the wall

[1:03:08] yep that looked a lot more real because I think they just had the actresses putting their

[1:03:11] heads through the wall

[1:03:13] rather than the rubber head that she's carrying around I mean and I have to

[1:03:17] assume this is

[1:03:18] maybe this is a sly reference to the song Skulls

[1:03:21] in which the singer mentions how he hacks the heads of little girls and put

[1:03:24] them on his wall

[1:03:24] but maybe that's the thing he thinks about a lot I don't know

[1:03:28] it's a little easter egg yeah okay yeah

[1:03:31] like I guess maybe there's maybe they're like dancing in misfits easter eggs

[1:03:34] throughout that I didn't notice

[1:03:35] I do like when he goes into the room and he

[1:03:39] she takes her torch and she just like

[1:03:43] does like a little like spotlight on like four or five different heads

[1:03:48] so you see this room with as many heads as like

[1:03:51] are on the wall in the George Harrison I got my mind set on you video

[1:03:55] and they're not singing along

[1:03:58] and then it just kind of fades out that would have been fun though yeah and you're like

[1:04:01] okay this I guess would have been like a reveal that she does this all the time

[1:04:06] we didn't already know she does this all the time so I don't know what I'm supposed to take away from this

[1:04:11] and that's the end of the story right yeah that's the end of the story that's how it ends

[1:04:15] you can call it a story it's more of a character sketch

[1:04:17] it just sort of expires

[1:04:19] and then it's like see you later my darklings

[1:04:22] well Marilla is in the demon bath from the story and she's like

[1:04:25] after a story like that I need a bath see you later my darklings

[1:04:29] and yeah that's the end that's it

[1:04:31] that's the story of Veronica

[1:04:33] she's like that's all for this time

[1:04:35] may be told through the generations

[1:04:39] so April as our special guest

[1:04:43] how would you how would you I mean I guess we go to final judgments right Dan

[1:04:47] but how would you sum up your thoughts on this film

[1:04:50] what is it trying to do what does it accomplish

[1:04:54] what path does it blaze for independent filmmakers or big studio movies

[1:05:00] okay I always try to give every filmmaker the benefit of the doubt

[1:05:07] because you have the resources that you have and you have those things to work with and that's it

[1:05:12] I am sure that everyone tried their best on this

[1:05:16] there is a there's certainly a lot of care and thought that went into makeup and prosthetics

[1:05:23] and like people trying to like do something fun you know they're just trying to have fun

[1:05:27] and yeah and you know I'm sure that like when they put the eyes and the tits they were like yes you know

[1:05:32] I feel like the I feel like everybody like everybody kind of tried to match each other's energy

[1:05:38] yeah okay that's fair I feel like the man spider that makeup effect is pretty good

[1:05:43] yeah except for I mean like there's one point where they show him fully and like his crotch is ripped open

[1:05:48] and maybe that's part of the makeup but I do think that the makeup is of that is good

[1:05:54] and you got to get credit where it's due because like they're working with not a lot of resources

[1:05:59] and you're making fun or they're making some fun stuff

[1:06:01] and a lot of times with makeup people I feel so bad because it depends on how a person directs it

[1:06:07] and how the cinematography is and so if that's not great

[1:06:12] then it's not going to be the best showcase of their work and what they're doing

[1:06:15] so like you know props to the makeup people and I feel bad how rough I was on that fake head at the end

[1:06:21] which they really tried they really tried it but maybe he should have shot it from the back

[1:06:25] maybe they should have shot it like not in daylight I think too

[1:06:29] I mean I thought the I thought the effect of like when they chopped off the head was actually pretty good

[1:06:34] yeah it was fun yeah yeah I think I think there's some effects things

[1:06:39] there was just like okay you gotta remember there's like people working on this

[1:06:42] they're giving it their heart they're all but like if your director is not into it

[1:06:47] and doesn't really hold it together then yeah it doesn't always amount to much

[1:06:53] so that is my thought on it and I think that it's interesting that he's trying to bring back the anthology

[1:06:59] considering that so many people already have like it exists and it's a it's a big thing

[1:07:07] so I'm just not sure where he's trying to go with it

[1:07:11] just like making sure that people remember violence and sex and horror

[1:07:15] which is like one of the things that I talk about a lot in terms of like maybe we need to change that

[1:07:24] maybe it's already over represented

[1:07:26] yeah it might have been over represented but there's always kind of like this last dying gasp of just like

[1:07:31] no we've got to make it more violent with less story and lots of sex that ends in violence

[1:07:37] and you're like oh okay all right I guess we're moving backwards here so you know

[1:07:43] so it sounds like I think there's a lot of good pull quotes in there

[1:07:46] they were obviously having fun everyone tried their hardest

[1:07:51] what about you so Dan you've met you've been on the record a couple times an episode

[1:07:54] about how this movie was like tailor-made for you

[1:07:56] no no not at all yeah I mean to April's point and why I probably wouldn't recommend anyone see this movie

[1:08:05] as a good bad movie in any way other than it just being kind of boring

[1:08:11] is that like I do find the connection of like murderous violence and sex troubling in this movie

[1:08:22] like the best thing I feel like I could say for it in that area is it it could have been more hateful

[1:08:28] like exploitation sometimes gets pretty hateful and this like has like a weird horror movie nerds

[1:08:37] like innocence to it like you just like I put some Fangorias and Playboys together

[1:08:43] yeah it feels a little bit like if these were comics drawn by like Richard Corbin

[1:08:48] I'd be like okay yeah but I mean like so that's the reason why I wouldn't like

[1:08:53] for a movie where a woman cuts out another woman's heart and eats it on camera

[1:08:57] it's weirdly restrained yeah in a way but I still wouldn't feel comfortable saying

[1:09:02] anyone should necessarily watch it unless they you know you can make your own choices

[1:09:07] but uh but that stuff is one of the reasons why I wouldn't I don't think it's also as wacky

[1:09:15] as people have said like I think that the fact that Glenn Danzig directed it

[1:09:20] and it had like a crazy festival reaction has caused like it's notoriety on the internet

[1:09:27] but I think that there are movies much like this on like Amazon Prime

[1:09:31] if you dig into their like trash that people have made so

[1:09:35] yeah I mean you guys can back me up on this it's uh it's hard to tell a good third act in a story right

[1:09:41] it's hard to wrap things up you start strong middle kind of lags a little bit

[1:09:50] but then you know we have some trouble in the the final third can't bring it home

[1:09:54] so yeah all the things you guys said is right

[1:09:58] I wait are we

[1:10:00] I think this is a bad, bad movie, I can say that.

[1:10:01] Bad, bad movie, I wouldn't recommend it.

[1:10:03] Yeah, I would do the same.

[1:10:04] I think you're right, Dan,

[1:10:06] that if it wasn't Glenn Danzig that made it,

[1:10:08] this movie would have flown much farther under the radar.

[1:10:11] And I feel like it promised a lot of craziness

[1:10:14] in the first couple minutes,

[1:10:15] and then settles into instead a lot of,

[1:10:20] let's just call it half-heartedness

[1:10:23] on the part of the filmmaker.

[1:10:25] But yeah, so I don't think I would recommend it.

[1:10:29] Hey, you've reached Dr. Game Show.

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[1:11:41] because surprise, they're all extremely talented.

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[1:11:48] but then created a little show called Futurama.

[1:11:50] That's our very first episode.

[1:11:52] So tune in for stuff like that with Yardley Smith,

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[1:11:56] It's gonna be so much fun.

[1:11:57] And we are every other week on MaximumFun.org

[1:12:00] or wherever you get your podcasts.

[1:12:06] Hey, hey, what if, what if Glenn Danze did a song

[1:12:10] for the letters segment?

[1:12:12] Uh-huh, what would that sound like?

[1:12:14] What do you think that would sound like?

[1:12:15] Because it might be something like,

[1:12:16] ♪ Letters, tell your letters yes to come my way. ♪

[1:12:21] ♪ Send letters to Dan, let me hear what they say. ♪

[1:12:24] ♪ Letters, da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na, letters! ♪

[1:12:30] ♪ Read us letters that you write for a while. ♪

[1:12:33] Wow, April's inching toward the door over there.

[1:12:34] ♪ There's not much else to say about letters. ♪

[1:12:36] ♪ Oh, letters! ♪

[1:12:39] Yeah, April's reaction is great

[1:12:41] because it's both a fair amount of laughter

[1:12:44] and turning her head away as far as she could from it.

[1:12:47] It is very loud, it is very loud.

[1:12:49] I can only imagine to avoid the spray of spittle

[1:12:53] flying from Elliot's mouth as he howls his song.

[1:12:57] All right.

[1:12:57] Anyway, so if you want to write hell with me,

[1:12:59] send me a letter, continue.

[1:13:00] Letters song.

[1:13:02] Okay, this first letter is from Lex, last name with hell.

[1:13:06] Mm, hello, Plopper.

[1:13:07] Sci-fi channel show.

[1:13:09] I've been listening to old episodes

[1:13:11] and deep in the archives are episodes

[1:13:13] where Mr. Pedant himself, Elliot Kalin,

[1:13:16] Pedant?

[1:13:17] Needs to be reminded who, quote, new actors are,

[1:13:21] such as Emma Stone or Bradley Cooper.

[1:13:23] Since both are now Hollywood darlings,

[1:13:26] it leads me to wonder,

[1:13:27] are there any other actors you were surprised to see

[1:13:29] make it big in the decades you've been watching bad movies?

[1:13:33] Lex, last name with hell.

[1:13:36] I want to say for myself,

[1:13:38] it is only that it's hard for me to remember

[1:13:40] the names of actors who are not in black and white.

[1:13:44] So when I see modern actors and they're in color,

[1:13:46] it all looks the same to me.

[1:13:49] So it's hard for me to remember their names.

[1:13:50] Bradley Cooper, that's not a name I can remember,

[1:13:52] but like Guy Kibbe, that's a name I can remember.

[1:13:55] Yeah, they had names back then.

[1:13:58] Now they don't have names.

[1:13:59] I mean, they do, but still.

[1:14:01] Back then we had faces.

[1:14:02] They weren't getting stolen from us all the time.

[1:14:05] Well, I don't know.

[1:14:06] There aren't really any actors that I'm surprised to see

[1:14:08] make it big.

[1:14:09] What about you guys?

[1:14:10] Oh, wow, okay.

[1:14:11] Yeah, not everyone's bound for glory.

[1:14:14] I mean, I don't know.

[1:14:14] I mean, also, there are names that I think are funny.

[1:14:19] I think it's still very funny

[1:14:20] that there's an actress named Imogene Poots

[1:14:22] and that that is her name.

[1:14:22] And she's wonderful.

[1:14:24] And she's great.

[1:14:25] That's her name.

[1:14:26] And she's great.

[1:14:26] She just has a silly name.

[1:14:31] I was thinking about her because

[1:14:33] I was watching the Fright Night remake recently

[1:14:37] and compared to the rest of her filmography,

[1:14:41] it almost feels like she's cosplaying

[1:14:43] as a normal Hollywood starlet in that movie

[1:14:46] because she's normally in such like crazy weirdo movies

[1:14:49] and she's, it's such like a kind of normal one in that.

[1:14:52] I don't know.

[1:14:54] Okay.

[1:14:54] Yeah.

[1:14:55] Maybe.

[1:14:56] I mean, she's great.

[1:14:57] What about you guys?

[1:14:58] Who are you surprised about?

[1:14:59] I mean, when I remember sitting down

[1:15:02] to watch One Fine Day starring George Clooney,

[1:15:07] who I guess George Clooney's a good one.

[1:15:08] I never would have thought seeing this guy

[1:15:10] in Return of the Attack of the Killer Tomatoes,

[1:15:14] he would then become like a huge movie star.

[1:15:16] But seeing George Clooney playing,

[1:15:18] I think the father of a young Mae Whitman,

[1:15:21] who would have thought she would go on

[1:15:22] to be one of TV's good girls?

[1:15:25] Okay.

[1:15:26] That was weird.

[1:15:27] I mean, I guess it is,

[1:15:29] I'm surprised by how certain our actor's careers have gone.

[1:15:34] Like, I never would have guessed

[1:15:35] that Jake Gyllenhaal would kind of be

[1:15:37] where he is at the moment

[1:15:38] where he seems to like seek out

[1:15:41] weirder roles and Broadway roles

[1:15:43] more than kind of like big movie stuff.

[1:15:46] But I don't know.

[1:15:47] I think the people that I make mistakes about,

[1:15:49] I think, are often people I sort of just dismiss

[1:15:52] as big lugs.

[1:15:53] You know, like,

[1:15:56] for instance, who was I thinking?

[1:15:58] They went out of my head as soon as I,

[1:16:00] oh, like Channing Tatum, you know,

[1:16:02] who like early on you're just like,

[1:16:04] okay, who's this like hunk of meat?

[1:16:06] But then you see him in a bunch of stuff,

[1:16:08] you're like, oh, he's really good.

[1:16:10] And like we had, I mean, not that he's like amazing,

[1:16:15] but I wouldn't have guessed that John Cena

[1:16:17] had such a facility for comedy.

[1:16:19] Even, this is a little sad since he's no longer with us,

[1:16:22] but even Heath Ledger, I saw him, you know, early on

[1:16:25] in 10 Things I Hate About You.

[1:16:27] I'm like, okay, he's like a big lunk.

[1:16:28] And then everyone talked about

[1:16:29] how he was gonna be this great actor.

[1:16:30] I'm like, really?

[1:16:31] And then it turns out they were right.

[1:16:33] So.

[1:16:34] Yeah, I mean, I don't wanna like slag anybody.

[1:16:37] I'm certainly not a judge of like who's up and coming talent.

[1:16:41] So, you know, there's no one where I'm like shocked,

[1:16:43] like this person is a star, this is crazy.

[1:16:46] I think this is, okay,

[1:16:48] so I actually have a story to tell for this.

[1:16:50] I, when I lived in Los Angeles back in like 2004,

[1:16:54] when I was very young and poor, I.

[1:16:58] I like that the story rhymes already.

[1:16:59] I know, I'm trying to, I'm gonna try to keep it up.

[1:17:02] It's not gonna happen.

[1:17:03] I don't have the faculties for that.

[1:17:05] But I.

[1:17:06] I mean, you heard my letter song, right?

[1:17:07] Like the bar is very low.

[1:17:09] I went on a reality show that never ended up airing

[1:17:15] or doing anything because they were putting together

[1:17:17] the show of like, essentially,

[1:17:19] you would name your style icon of like a star

[1:17:22] that you really liked their style.

[1:17:23] And then they would like give you a makeover

[1:17:25] like that person.

[1:17:26] And then that person would come at the end of the show

[1:17:29] and be like, oh, you're just like me.

[1:17:32] And so they asked me like,

[1:17:34] what celebrities do you think you have,

[1:17:35] like would be your style icon?

[1:17:37] And I really didn't,

[1:17:38] I don't care about celebrity generally,

[1:17:41] but I was just like, man, I really love Maggie Gyllenhaal.

[1:17:43] And they were like, ooh, Maggie Gyllenhaal.

[1:17:45] She's like kind of big, might be hard to get.

[1:17:47] Do you mind if we do Anne Hathaway?

[1:17:49] And I was like, okay, whatever.

[1:17:53] And so yeah, then they were at that time,

[1:17:56] Anne Hathaway was just like poor man's Maggie Gyllenhaal.

[1:18:01] And then all of a sudden she became like this big star

[1:18:04] and obviously is this huge persona in Hollywood.

[1:18:09] But at that time it was just like,

[1:18:11] you know, she's just like in some kids' movies.

[1:18:14] She's still a princess diary.

[1:18:15] Yeah, yeah.

[1:18:16] And I thought that was really interesting.

[1:18:18] Now, Elliot, when she was your girlfriend,

[1:18:20] did you think she was gonna be as huge as?

[1:18:23] Yeah, I don't know if April knows this story

[1:18:25] about Elliot's romantic past.

[1:18:27] I mean, not my girlfriend.

[1:18:29] She was someone who was in the same high school as me.

[1:18:32] But other than that, we had very little interaction.

[1:18:35] But I think actually-

[1:18:37] Charlene had a question

[1:18:38] because she was watching Princess Diaries

[1:18:39] for the first time on the plane back from San Juan.

[1:18:41] And that's a movie that is kind of hurtful

[1:18:46] to people with curly hair

[1:18:47] because she has curly hair at the beginning.

[1:18:49] And then like, you know,

[1:18:51] she like classes it up by having straight hair.

[1:18:53] So does she have curly hair in real life or straight hair?

[1:18:57] Do you remember from high school?

[1:18:58] She has straight hair.

[1:18:59] Oh, so do you think she had a wig

[1:19:01] for continuity's sake in Princess Diaries?

[1:19:03] I think they might have-

[1:19:04] I think they probably just curled her hair.

[1:19:06] They may have curled it.

[1:19:07] Yeah, I think they probably just curled her hair.

[1:19:09] This is really funny

[1:19:10] because I dated someone who used to flirt

[1:19:12] with her in high school.

[1:19:14] Really?

[1:19:14] Yeah, was like in some plays,

[1:19:15] went to like a boys' high school

[1:19:17] and they like did some plays together.

[1:19:18] Well, that's the thing, I think we all kind of were like,

[1:19:20] oh, if anyone's gonna be a famous actress, it'll be her

[1:19:22] because she was like star of all the shows.

[1:19:24] She was already in a TV show by the end of high school.

[1:19:27] So I think, you know what?

[1:19:28] We did know that Annie was gonna be a big star.

[1:19:31] That's what we used to call her back then, Annie.

[1:19:33] Because she was an orphan with a dog

[1:19:36] and her adopted father was a war profiteer.

[1:19:39] And she didn't have any pupils in her eyes.

[1:19:42] Yeah, no pupils.

[1:19:43] Very disconcerting.

[1:19:44] That is the thing, I mean,

[1:19:45] she had, it was strange in stage plays,

[1:19:47] but for the movies,

[1:19:48] they have to hand draw her pupils in every frame.

[1:19:51] It's a lot of expense, a lot of expense.

[1:19:53] Yeah, so when you're watching a movie

[1:19:55] like Rachel Getting Married,

[1:19:56] you have no idea how much CGI work went into that film.

[1:19:58] Yeah, that's not a big budget.

[1:20:00] movie that's you know jonathan demian has kind of like smaller picture mode

[1:20:04] yeah exactly but it's that again they had to go to the industrial and magic

[1:20:08] to hand draw the people's into every frame

[1:20:10] uh... well

[1:20:11] you know film facts

[1:20:13] duncan lasting withheld mcleod

[1:20:16] uh... or says that your flopper

[1:20:20] as to doors

[1:20:21] properties of the rest of the doors

[1:20:22] i'm a big fan of apocalypse movies but one of the move more annoying tropes of

[1:20:27] the genre always seems to be the tendency toward

[1:20:30] god-awful future sling

[1:20:32] they can that never just calls on the zombies it's always walkers or biters or

[1:20:37] some shit

[1:20:38] my question is what are your favorite examples of weird a fictional lingo much

[1:20:43] obliged i can last withheld

[1:20:46] uh... i mean i love apocalypse movies to you i like that one where apocalypse

[1:20:50] puts his hand on a computer he says

[1:20:52] learned a

[1:20:53] that's not what you mean x-men apocalypse yeah i mean there's an

[1:20:57] apocalypse in it technically correct fair point that is not possible to be

[1:21:00] okay fair

[1:21:02] yeah or like that there's a movie apocalypto and it's like guys you can't

[1:21:05] even use english come on

[1:21:08] uh...

[1:21:09] i mean i have to admit i do like since dan sent us these uh...

[1:21:13] these letters this morning i have to do not have to do research but i think it

[1:21:17] is something that i do love is made-up future slang in

[1:21:20] in new movies or science fiction stories because it never really sounds

[1:21:24] that much like real

[1:21:26] slang it sounds like someone's idea of

[1:21:28] uh... just a he take words and like chapel into little pieces

[1:21:31] but not have any off the top of my head right now do you guys remember any

[1:21:35] uh... there's been a dance with a big fan of your big family younglings right

[1:21:39] yeah i don't like i mean that's a long time ago in a galaxy far far away it's

[1:21:42] not really future sling yeah that's extreme past sling past sling but i was

[1:21:46] actually i was going to go there too i'm sorry for busting your balls

[1:21:49] uh... i don't like younglings

[1:21:51] they do think you're like actually that's not accurate but it is what i was

[1:21:54] gonna say

[1:21:55] death sticks is dumb all that stuff is dumb

[1:21:58] and then there's like

[1:21:59] uh... this is not

[1:22:01] uh... future slang but we have to talk i think a little bit about

[1:22:05] stephen king's mastery of slang

[1:22:08] where you know he says things like uh... fuck a rooney or like

[1:22:12] well cuz he's trapped in the nineteen fifties dan and that's how they spoke

[1:22:15] is it

[1:22:17] is that hepcat lingo?

[1:22:19] no idea

[1:22:20] yep it is i think uh... i'm just looking up now and i forgot that in uh... in

[1:22:23] back to the future part two

[1:22:25] uh... there's a part where a police one according to uh... t.v. trips that are

[1:22:29] it says that hilldale is nothing but a breeding ground for tranks, lobos, and

[1:22:32] zip heads and it's like come on

[1:22:35] we don't want lobos

[1:22:37] i forgot that in uh... in children of men refugees are called fugies

[1:22:40] oh yeah the uh...

[1:22:43] well wait is that is it fugies like uh... that's a short

[1:22:47] term that people use for refugees

[1:22:49] is it? yeah that's where the fugies come from

[1:22:52] the uh...

[1:22:53] but all i know is the band

[1:22:55] well that's what i'm saying that's what it's short for maybe that's where they got their

[1:22:57] name from

[1:22:59] hmm interesting alright let's write that from the record slang i never heard

[1:23:02] before uh...

[1:23:04] i would say uh... my the weirdest one for me is uh... in the

[1:23:08] underworld movies

[1:23:10] calling the werewolves likens

[1:23:13] it requires you to know that like lycanthropy is like the medical

[1:23:19] whatever condition

[1:23:21] it felt very strange to me

[1:23:23] yeah but still really sexy when it's michael sheen you know

[1:23:27] and i i do like in uh...

[1:23:31] it there's a bunch of uh...

[1:23:33] stuff in fury road but i feel like that gets a pass because it's not supposed to

[1:23:36] be like a prediction about the future

[1:23:38] like it's such a crazy movie that it doesn't feel like he's trying to

[1:23:41] predict slang instead it's just like these are crazy things people might say

[1:23:45] i just assume that's how australian people talk

[1:23:48] now that's fair that's fair they talk about organic mechanics things like that

[1:23:51] uh... i wish i remembered specific things like escape from new york and

[1:23:55] uh... like dread i'm thinking of like

[1:23:58] just random things but there's there's something like that in every single

[1:24:01] post-apocalyptic movie yeah and the names of future drugs are always pretty funny

[1:24:05] oh yeah

[1:24:06] it's always like give me a hit of glens

[1:24:08] or like

[1:24:09] i need a hit of like

[1:24:10] spice ice

[1:24:14] yeah i mean i don't know like uh... i've seen the wire elliott and that's the

[1:24:17] kind of names they would invent for their drugs uh... is it? i don't know about that

[1:24:23] give me some blasto

[1:24:25] well i think they call it like wmds and stuff

[1:24:31] it's not that far from robocop 2's nuke

[1:24:35] yeah that's true that is also a silly name for a drug though

[1:24:38] i don't know i mean when you're elliott when you're just looking to get blasted

[1:24:43] what's going to blast you more than that? yeah you're going to get the product that promises the

[1:24:47] biggest blast and that's nuke

[1:24:49] stewart is taking deep personal offense to this. he's like don't make fun of these. don't make fun of robocop 2

[1:24:57] so now's the part of the podcast where we uh... we recommend uh... movies to

[1:25:03] watch instead of erotica which you should watch i don't know

[1:25:06] anything instead of erotica

[1:25:09] uh... like i don't know like

[1:25:11] there's youtube videos just watch those of other stuff

[1:25:15] uh... hey watch that tiktok of the old lady putting mentos in that

[1:25:20] two liter coke that's hilarious

[1:25:23] it's always great

[1:25:24] so those are your recommendations stew?

[1:25:26] any youtube video and also that tiktok video? just getting started elliott

[1:25:31] uh... i'll kick us off

[1:25:34] because

[1:25:35] erotica

[1:25:36] uh...

[1:25:37] has a reputation

[1:25:39] as a fun bad movie but uh... we did not find it so much to be so even though i

[1:25:44] think we had a lot of fun

[1:25:46] talking about it

[1:25:47] uh...

[1:25:48] i'm going to recommend a

[1:25:51] bad movie that i saw for the first time

[1:25:53] that kind of delighted me and that's the lawnmower man

[1:25:57] from nineteen ninety two

[1:26:00] uh... the effects still hold up right

[1:26:03] yeah

[1:26:04] the effects so okay

[1:26:06] there was this brief vogue uh... in the

[1:26:09] uh... early to mid nineties uh... for

[1:26:13] you know these internet based thrillers these technology thrillers this is a

[1:26:16] virtual virtual reality

[1:26:19] thriller and uh...

[1:26:21] their conception of

[1:26:23] uh... virtual reality i think we've

[1:26:26] uh... compared to this before it's kind of like one of those mind's eye

[1:26:28] videos that you used to see back in like radio shack back in the day

[1:26:33] of just like blobs like merging into each other

[1:26:37] like there's

[1:26:38] there's virtual reality sex in this that's literally uh... two human blobs

[1:26:41] kind of just merging and intertwining

[1:26:45] i mean that's kind of what real life sex is

[1:26:47] just two human blobs intertwining

[1:26:50] and merging briefly

[1:26:52] uh... and you have two children

[1:26:53] I have two new human blobs, yes.

[1:27:01] The Lawnmower Man takes its title from a Stephen King story but Stephen King sued to have

[1:27:05] his name

[1:27:06] taken off the film because it really has nothing to do with that story which is

[1:27:11] about

[1:27:11] the god Pan, I believe, who's

[1:27:15] like eating grass

[1:27:16] let's stay on target Dan, let's stay on target, you're talking about the movie here

[1:27:21] has nothing to do with it, this one Jeff Fahey is kind of a Flowers for Algernon style

[1:27:26] uh... not too bright character but like not

[1:27:30] in any way that's recognizable, he dresses like the star of like a children's program

[1:27:34] yeah he's dressed like Chucky basically, like a big

[1:27:39] human-sized Chucky and he's got a crazy blonde dumb and dumber wig on

[1:27:44] and uh... Pierce Brosnan wants to use his virtual reality to somehow

[1:27:50] uh... increase his IQ, I'm not really sure how virtual reality does that but

[1:27:54] whatever

[1:27:55] and then he becomes

[1:27:57] sort of a god-like figure like honestly like

[1:27:59] around halfway through the movie and I'm like where does this movie go from here if he's already a god-like figure

[1:28:03] but I won't go any further, it's directed by the same dude who

[1:28:07] later would direct Virtuosity

[1:28:09] he really specializes in virtual reality

[1:28:13] where Russell Crowe is a virtual reality composite of a bunch of serial killers

[1:28:17] Dan, you don't have to go into it, you're just recommending Lawnmower Man

[1:28:21] I think I have to explain a little bit about why these two movies are similar and it's interesting that they're

[1:28:27] from the same director but anyway

[1:28:29] uh... I'm not saying it's a good movie, it's not

[1:28:32] but if you want something silly that reminds you of a time when we didn't

[1:28:36] understand what technology was

[1:28:38] uh... the Lawnmower Man might fit the bill

[1:28:41] I want to see that on the box now, I'm not saying it's a good movie because it's

[1:28:44] not Dan McCoy, the flop ass

[1:28:49] What about you Stu, what did you see?

[1:28:50] Oh man, I've seen so much, uh...

[1:28:52] I'm going to recommend uh... I'll recommend The Lodge

[1:28:56] it's uh... a horror movie uh... and it's kind of like a mishmash like greatest hits

[1:29:02] of uh... you know modern like boutique horror films, I don't want to talk about it too much

[1:29:07] because there's like

[1:29:09] like a lot of modern horror movies it has some very specific twists that you don't

[1:29:13] want to cover but it does seem... I can say that it's about a young woman who

[1:29:20] spends some time in an isolated cabin with her boyfriend's two children

[1:29:25] who don't like her very much

[1:29:27] and uh...

[1:29:29] she also has a uh... history

[1:29:32] with a doomsday cult

[1:29:35] and uh...

[1:29:36] and then they get snowed in and stuck out there and spooky things happen

[1:29:40] uh... and it's

[1:29:42] it's not great but it's also like sillier than I was expecting and it's

[1:29:46] pretty fun and like, I don't know

[1:29:48] check it out

[1:29:50] and uh... okay so two strong recommendations. April have you seen anything

[1:29:53] recently that you would like to get behind more strongly than Dan sort of getting

[1:29:57] behind theirs today? Yes, I can absolutely recommend

[1:30:00] Heartedly First Cow, Kelly Reichardt's newest film. She is one of my favorite filmmakers

[1:30:07] with very few missteps and her movie never takes the turns that you think it's going

[1:30:13] to and it is riveting and it is like the lowest key milk heist movie you can imagine, but

[1:30:21] it's really sweet and really funny and it's also somewhere in there pretty devastating

[1:30:28] and hits your heart very deeply, so I love First Cow.

[1:30:33] I have to admit, I can imagine a low key milk heist movie better than a high key milk heist

[1:30:39] movie. That I would have a hard time imagining.

[1:30:42] Now I'm imagining it though.

[1:30:45] It's like Ocean's Eleven, but it's just milk.

[1:30:47] Save it for First Cow 2, Second Cow.

[1:30:55] I recently finally got to see The Farewell, the movie everyone was talking about that

[1:30:58] they liked so much that Lulu Wang made and it stars Awkwafina and I really liked it a

[1:31:01] lot too and thought it was really good.

[1:31:04] I watched it after the Oscars and I was like, hmm, I like this movie a lot more than a bunch

[1:31:09] of the movies that were nominated for Oscars.

[1:31:12] The grandma is so good.

[1:31:15] Yeah she's really good in it.

[1:31:16] Oh yeah, she's wonderful.

[1:31:19] It's always exciting to see a movie that is about a specific world and does not feel like

[1:31:29] it is made for explaining that world to people who are not from it and it felt like I was

[1:31:37] like, oh okay, I'm experiencing what these characters are experiencing and they're having

[1:31:40] conversations I could see them having that are like, you know, they're movied up a little

[1:31:44] bit because it's a movie, but I just thought it was really good and I really enjoyed it.

[1:31:49] I was with it the whole time, which is more than I can say for Veronica, which lost me

[1:31:53] I think three seconds into the movie.

[1:31:56] And my friend X, who I work with at The Daily Show, has a small role in The Farewell.

[1:32:02] Guys, I think we've reached the end.

[1:32:05] Yeah, so let's do a couple of plugs.

[1:32:09] Before you do that, why not check out SwiftBlade Sisters, also on the Maximum Fun Network if

[1:32:13] you haven't already.

[1:32:14] It's one of my favorite podcasts on the network.

[1:32:17] Thank you, Elliot.

[1:32:19] And check out New to VOD, Black Christmas, which I got a chance to re-watch.

[1:32:25] On a plane.

[1:32:26] Thank you.

[1:32:27] Okay, I re-watched it on a plane.

[1:32:29] I was watching it.

[1:32:30] No, I think that's good because then people might be around you looking like, what is

[1:32:33] this thing he's watching?

[1:32:34] I've got to see this.

[1:32:35] It's like, yeah, it's free advertising for us.

[1:32:36] They're making Black Christmases now?

[1:32:40] The fellow next to me was watching A Joker, and I think he watched the ending of it twice.

[1:32:46] Yikes.

[1:32:47] Yikes.

[1:32:48] When you say that, that's the target audience?

[1:32:52] Did he look twisted?

[1:32:53] Yeah.

[1:32:54] He was pretty twisted.

[1:32:55] Yeah, it's a lot of fun, April.

[1:32:56] It's great.

[1:32:57] All right.

[1:32:58] I think that's it.

[1:32:59] April, thank you so much for being with us.

[1:33:02] And for The Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:33:05] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:33:07] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:33:08] I'm April Wolf.

[1:33:09] Bye.

[1:33:10] Bye.

[1:33:11] Bye.

[1:33:12] What's a bidet?

[1:33:13] A bidet is a, it's like a toilet that squirts water when you touch.

[1:33:22] It's a cleaning.

[1:33:23] Here.

[1:33:24] So, April, at this point, are you thinking about all the life choices that have led you

[1:33:31] here?

[1:33:32] Sure.

[1:33:33] Maximumfun.org.

[1:33:34] Comedy and culture.

[1:33:35] Artist owned.

Ep. #308 - Verotika

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