Ep. #317 - Artemis Fowl, w/ Scott Weinberg

Elliott Kalan

[0:00] On this episode we discuss Artemis Fowl.

[0:04] The movie that dares to raise the question,

[0:07] why is this movie named after an entirely nondescript personality-less cipher

[0:10] who spends the entire movie inside his own house?

[0:30] The movie that dares to raise the question,

Dan McCoy

[1:00] Scott Weinberg, whom I did not write down how he wanted to be introduced.

[1:05] Oh boy.

[1:05] Three or four times.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07] He said it twice, Dan. I'll say it.

[1:09] Film critic, filmmaker, podcaster, cat lover, horror nerd, Scott Weinberg,

[1:14] and I will add in a personal endorsement of his podcast Science vs. Fiction

[1:19] in which they talk about the real-life science or fake-life science

[1:24] and quality of your favorite science fiction films.

[1:26] Scott Weinberg, thank you so much for joining us.

S3

[1:28] I am thrilled to be here, long-time listener, first-time caller,

[1:32] although I did get a mention several years ago

[1:36] when Stuart recommended a film I produced.

[1:39] I downloaded like 14 episodes and listened to them on an airplane,

[1:43] and one random episode at the end when Stuart recommended Found Footage 3D,

[1:48] I got chills.

[1:49] I was so elated and thrilled,

[1:51] and that is why Stuart is my favorite of the three floppers.

Stuart Wellington

[1:53] Oh, we finally get the big reveal because I, I guess,

[2:00] because I'm the best at promoting.

S3

[2:03] Mm-hmm.

[2:05] That's your hidden strength.

[2:06] It was, and you guys also took a recommendation from me several years ago.

[2:09] I can't remember what it was, but I recommended an 80s film,

[2:12] and you guys did it.

[2:13] So I've always been, I've always been a huge fan,

[2:16] and to be on an episode on such a wonderfully rotten movie,

[2:20] makes me, makes me, makes me happy.

[2:22] Because, boy, this movie is a stink pile.

Elliott Kalan

[2:24] Oh, but let's not jump ahead to Final Judgment.

[2:26] Oh, sorry, sorry, cut that.

[2:28] No, no, but it is, it's totally.

[2:30] No, it's, yeah, I mean, it's a stink pile,

[2:32] but, you know, well, whatever.

[2:34] This isn't the first time that we're going to say it lives up to its name,

[2:37] Foul.

[2:38] Oh, shit.

[2:39] Oh, did I do that?

S3

[2:40] Why is he called Foul?

[2:41] I thought that was like a play on, he was, like, it was like Valiant.

[2:45] It was an animated chicken or something.

[2:47] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[2:48] Well, we will return to the stinkiness of this pile in a moment,

[2:53] but we just wanted to take a brief moment here at the top of the show

[2:57] to mention that this is the start of Max Fun Drive 2020.

[3:04] It's been quite sensibly delayed a couple of times due to world events,

[3:09] but since, unfortunately.

[3:10] Wow, what's going on, Dan?

[3:12] Yeah, something happened.

[3:12] Oh, well.

[3:14] Ooh, boy.

[3:15] I'll explain after the show.

[3:17] Okay.

[3:19] Yeah, thanks for derailing my train of thought immediately at the beginning.

[3:22] It was delayed, but since, unfortunately,

[3:25] the world does not seem to be getting better at any particular pace,

[3:31] here, we bring you Max Fun Drive.

[3:33] Listen to me.

[3:36] Max Fun is artist-owned, audience-supported.

[3:39] That means that when you become a member of Max Fun,

[3:44] you are a direct contributor to the shows that are made,

[3:49] including our shows.

[3:52] You have some ownership of the show,

[3:56] although don't start telling us what to do.

[3:58] You're not our real dad.

Elliott Kalan

[4:01] Good way to get, yeah.

[4:03] Open their heartstrings and then cut them.

[4:05] Yeah, sure.

[4:07] Love it.

[4:07] Yeah, love the hostility.

[4:09] Unnecessary, uncalled for, undeniable.

[4:11] Mm, delicious.

Dan McCoy

[4:17] Yeah, but it's important.

Stuart Wellington

[4:18] I mean, like...

[4:18] I would say Dan isn't going to be their private dancer.

[4:23] Wait, I'm waiting for them to stop laughing, Dan.

[4:26] That was a really great joke.

[4:26] Yeah, hold on.

Dan McCoy

[4:27] Okay.

[4:29] No, but the money that you donate to Maximum Fun,

[4:32] especially because you get to choose the shows you listen to,

[4:35] goes directly to the show with some overhead

[4:38] to allow the network to actually continue.

[4:42] And especially in this year where we have added off-week shows,

[4:50] off-week content,

[4:51] it is nice to have that money coming in

[4:54] that really helps us do new things like that.

[4:58] So you can choose a monthly amount that's comfortable for you.

[5:02] Most people give $5 or $10 a month.

[5:05] Some upgrade to $20, $35, $100 if they have the means.

[5:11] I know that a lot of people do not right now,

[5:13] but it is about what works for you.

[5:15] But we'll get back to that later in the show.

Elliott Kalan

[5:18] And Dan, where do they go if they want to join?

[5:21] Ah, yes.

[5:21] Either member or upgrade their already existing membership.

Dan McCoy

[5:25] Yes.

[5:25] Would it be MaximumFun.org slash join?

[5:28] It will be.

[5:29] It would be that.

[5:30] It is that, in fact.

[5:32] To use that tense,

[5:33] it is MaximumFun.org slash join.

[5:36] But let's get to what we actually do here,

[5:39] which is watch a bad movie and then talk about it.

[5:42] In this case, the movie is Artemis Fowl,

[5:45] which was meant to be a big blockbuster film

[5:48] released in theaters,

[5:49] but then the pandemic hit,

[5:51] and now it's on Disney+.

Stuart Wellington

[5:52] And it's based on a series of novels, right?

[5:55] And it was your familiarity with those novels

[5:58] that made you request we do this movie, right, Scott?

[6:01] Man.

S3

[6:02] There's, it's so weird to see when a,

[6:05] like when a trend ends.

[6:08] And boy, when it ends, it hits like,

[6:11] I thought like the end of the Divergent series

[6:15] just kind of fell off the train.

[6:16] And then you have these like,

[6:17] these lingerers.

[6:19] They're like,

[6:19] well, we still have a young adult movie

[6:21] still percolating for 19 years.

[6:23] And they've invested so much money in it,

[6:26] you have to release it in some way.

[6:28] This thing doesn't even look finished.

[6:29] I mean, I'm just going to be Joe film critic here.

[6:31] This thing looks like,

[6:32] it looks like one of 12 different cuts.

[6:35] And they just said,

[6:35] all right, we'll release this one.

[6:36] Who cares?

[6:37] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[6:37] Yeah.

[6:38] I mean, there's,

[6:39] it's,

[6:39] I mean,

[6:40] it's like the sort of thing when,

[6:41] you know,

[6:42] I'm into,

[6:43] I'm into YA fiction.

[6:45] So of course I hear about these scorched trials.

[6:47] I want to find out what's the whole deal there.

[6:51] I'm into maze running.

Elliott Kalan

[6:53] Now,

[6:53] now Artemis Fowl is a YA series.

[6:55] It's based on a series about a criminal mastermind kid.

[6:59] You heard me right.

[7:00] He's a kid,

[7:00] but he's not a hero.

[7:01] He's a villain.

[7:02] That's right.

[7:03] He's the bad boy of YA fantasy fiction.

[7:05] He's Artemis Fowl.

Dan McCoy

[7:07] And I,

[7:07] I want to say like that appears to be in the limited research I've done.

[7:11] Kind of the interesting thing about those books is that he is introduced as this criminal.

[7:16] And then sort of over time,

[7:18] you sort of understand different things about like who might be right,

[7:22] who might be wrong in this story.

[7:24] Who might be crazy.

[7:25] Yeah.

[7:26] But in this thing,

[7:26] who might just be a lunatic you're looking for.

[7:28] But in this movie,

[7:29] they do not identify him as like some sort of child criminal at the beginning.

[7:33] He just seems like kind of a dick at the beginning.

[7:35] And he never gets all that much less dickish.

Elliott Kalan

[7:37] They also keep calling him a child genius.

[7:40] And he never really does anything that particularly genius.

S3

[7:43] He claims to be smart a lot.

[7:44] He does a lot.

[7:46] There's a lot of hype.

[7:46] He claims to be intelligent.

Elliott Kalan

[7:47] There's a lot of hype for the character going on that is not backed up.

[7:50] And then at the end he goes,

[7:51] I'm a criminal mastermind.

[7:52] And I'm like,

[7:53] how?

[7:53] What did you do?

[7:54] Like what crime?

[7:55] You've done nothing.

[7:56] Yeah.

[7:57] This is,

[7:57] I'm just going to say I was,

[7:58] and Stuart,

[7:58] you're doing the summary on this one.

[8:00] So I won't.

[8:00] I am?

[8:01] Uh oh.

[8:02] But I,

[8:03] this is one of those movies where the whole time I was like,

[8:05] I was like,

[8:06] why is this movie called Artemis Fowl?

[8:08] Like why?

[8:09] I don't understand why he's the character you named it after since he's kind of barely in

[8:12] the movie.

[8:13] And I'll just warn.

[8:14] It should be called Baby Hagrid.

[8:16] It should be called Baby Hagrid as played by Josh Gad.

Stuart Wellington

[8:18] Now,

[8:19] now that we bring up Hagrid,

[8:20] I think it's an important time for us to do our weekly mention that JK Rowling is trash,

[8:25] as are all transphobes.

[8:26] They are trash.

[8:27] Okay,

[8:28] let's go back to the show.

Elliott Kalan

[8:30] Do we,

[8:30] do we really say that every week?

Stuart Wellington

[8:32] Uh,

[8:32] yeah,

[8:33] I mean,

[8:33] anytime we have to,

[8:34] anytime we invoke her name.

[8:35] Yeah.

[8:36] I mean,

[8:36] did we?

[8:37] Yeah,

[8:37] I mean,

[8:37] we talked about her creation Hagrid.

[8:40] I guess that's the same thing.

[8:41] you seem weirdly defensive right now.

Elliott Kalan

[8:45] It's,

[8:45] hey guys,

[8:46] I'm just saying,

[8:47] I'm just saying,

[8:47] you know,

[8:48] no,

[8:48] I'm not even going to joke about that.

[8:49] Yeah,

[8:49] please don't.

[8:50] Yeah,

[8:50] transphobes forever.

[8:51] Come on.

[8:51] Okay,

[8:52] but,

[8:52] uh,

S3

[8:52] I just wanted to say,

[8:53] when we,

[8:54] when I watched this film for the second time,

[8:56] and I know you guys,

[8:57] I know,

[8:58] I've heard many,

[8:59] many episodes,

[9:00] uh,

[9:00] AKA all of them.

[9:01] Um,

[9:02] and I know that you guys,

[9:03] uh,

[9:04] when you,

[9:04] I know when you see a bad film,

[9:06] you know,

[9:07] you'll,

[9:07] you'll tear it to shreds.

[9:08] I'm watching this movie for the second time,

[9:10] and I'm sitting there thinking,

[9:11] who the hell is going to break down the plot of this one?

[9:14] Because it's impossible.

[9:16] Stuart,

[9:17] um,

[9:18] please do it.

[9:18] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[9:20] Oh,

[9:20] I will do everything in my power.

[9:22] So,

[9:23] uh,

[9:23] yeah,

[9:23] the movie opens,

[9:24] Seaside.

[9:25] We're at Foul Manor,

[9:27] Ireland.

[9:28] It's spelled like the bird,

[9:29] not like the,

[9:30] I don't know,

[9:31] the state of being,

[9:32] or the judgment.

Dan McCoy

[9:34] The ball?

[9:35] Yep.

[9:36] Yep.

[9:37] Yeah,

[9:37] yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[9:37] The play?

[9:38] Uh-huh.

[9:39] You got some more?

Dan McCoy

[9:41] Uh,

[9:41] uh,

[9:43] uh-huh.

[9:44] Okay.

[9:44] There's no foul intentions.

[9:46] That's cruel intentions.

[9:47] I mean,

[9:47] you could have foul intentions.

[9:50] It's a mean remake of

[9:51] Les Les Sons Dangereuses.

[9:53] Okay,

[9:53] it's not foul things,

[9:55] it's wild things.

[9:56] Uh,

Elliott Kalan

[9:56] it's not the incredibly true story

[9:59] of the Texas cheerleader

[10:01] fouling mom.

[10:02] It was Texas cheerleader

[10:03] murdering mom.

[10:04] Um,

[10:04] let's see.

[10:06] It's not a,

[10:07] hold on,

[10:07] it's not the foul pit,

[10:09] it's the money pit.

[10:10] Uh,

[10:11] yeah,

[10:11] it's,

[10:11] it's not the cook,

[10:13] the thief,

[10:14] his wife,

[10:14] and her foul.

[10:16] Uh,

[10:16] yeah,

[10:16] I think we're out of phrases,

[10:18] yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[10:18] Although,

[10:19] foul,

[10:20] uh,

[10:20] foul manner does sound like,

[10:22] like a caveman death metal band,

[10:23] or,

[10:23] uh,

[10:24] you know,

[10:24] a slam band.

[10:25] Okay,

[10:25] so,

[10:26] outside of foul manner,

[10:27] uh,

[10:28] the news has gathered,

[10:29] and they're flipping out,

[10:31] there's apparently been a,

[10:32] uh,

[10:32] series of high profile robberies,

[10:34] and a mysterious person named Artemis foul is the suspect.

[10:38] And they,

[10:39] uh,

[10:39] snatch up,

[10:40] uh,

[10:41] a,

[10:41] uh,

[10:42] Josh Gad,

[10:42] who,

[10:43] as we have described earlier,

[10:44] looks like a short,

[10:45] dirtier Hagrid,

[10:46] uh,

[10:47] and they take him off to a special water prison,

[10:50] like the one you might see in face off,

[10:52] or the Avengers,

[10:53] or mortal engines,

[10:54] or,

[10:55] uh,

[10:56] anything else,

[10:56] guys?

[10:57] Can you think anything else?

[10:58] Water prisons?

[10:59] Uh,

[10:59] Convergence?

[11:00] Yep.

[11:00] Convergence,

[11:01] yep.

[11:01] Uh,

[11:01] who,

[11:02] uh,

[11:02] Waterworld's prison,

Elliott Kalan

[11:03] that's the second Waterworld movie that never got made,

[11:05] Waterworld prison.

[11:06] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[11:07] One of the many things I was unclear about,

[11:09] and maybe you guys can help me,

[11:11] is,

[11:11] Probably not.

[11:12] Who was interrogating Josh Gad?

[11:14] Like,

[11:14] what was his organization?

Stuart Wellington

[11:15] Now,

[11:16] now let's,

[11:16] let's address,

[11:17] Josh Gad isn't called Josh Gad in this movie.

[11:19] He is called,

[11:20] his character's named Mulch Diggums.

Elliott Kalan

[11:23] Okay.

[11:24] Because he's,

[11:24] he's in,

[11:24] he's,

[11:25] he's of the lineage of the Diggums frog.

[11:27] Yep.

[11:27] From the serial commercials.

Dan McCoy

[11:29] Later in the movie,

[11:30] we will see how apt that name is.

S3

[11:33] It's that so,

[11:34] it's that lazy,

[11:35] lazy writing of,

[11:37] he later turns out that one of his skills is digging,

[11:39] so his name has to be,

[11:41] what?

[11:41] Mulch Shovelhead.

[11:42] Like,

[11:43] why?

Elliott Kalan

[11:44] Why?

[11:44] Because everyone's named after their job.

[11:47] My family,

[11:47] Kale's,

[11:48] we have for generations.

[11:50] Stewart's family digs wells.

[11:51] Dan's family is very coy.

[11:53] And,

[11:54] uh,

[11:54] Scott's here,

[11:54] of course,

[11:55] is,

[11:55] uh,

[11:55] I guess that would be what,

[11:56] what,

[11:57] a White Mountain?

[11:58] Or is that Weisberg?

[11:59] That would be Weisberg.

S3

[12:00] Weinberg is actually,

[12:01] it's a vineyard in German.

[12:03] Yeah,

[12:03] that makes sense.

[12:03] Yeah.

[12:04] So my family's a bunch of drunks.

[12:05] And,

[12:05] yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[12:06] And you're a vintner.

[12:07] Yeah,

[12:07] of course.

[12:08] So,

[12:08] uh,

[12:09] so Mulch Diggums,

[12:10] I think he's being interrogated by,

[12:11] like,

[12:12] Interpol,

[12:12] or the British secret intelligence,

[12:15] MI6,

[12:16] who knows,

[12:16] it doesn't matter.

[12:17] Dan,

[12:18] it's the least of the questions.

[12:18] Dan nailed,

S3

[12:19] Dan nailed a key problem,

[12:21] is this movie doesn't have any point of view.

[12:23] You don't know who's talking to who.

[12:25] It's somebody explaining six random adventures,

[12:28] and then the movie ends.

[12:29] Yeah.

[12:30] Well,

[12:30] that's the thing,

Dan McCoy

[12:30] like,

[12:31] I texted Elliot during it,

[12:32] I'm like,

[12:33] never,

[12:33] never has a movie tried so hard to explain itself to me,

[12:38] while I still don't know what's happening.

[12:39] Because all Jash Cat does is,

[12:41] is like,

[12:41] paper over what the plot is supposed to be,

[12:43] and I still don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[12:44] This is a movie,

[12:45] not to get ahead too far,

[12:46] where the bad guy,

[12:47] whose identity we never learn,

[12:48] breaks someone out of,

[12:50] releases someone from jail,

[12:51] and they are instantly the most powerful person in the entire community,

[12:54] and we never find out who they work for,

[12:56] or why they were in jail,

[12:57] or what,

[12:57] or,

[12:57] I don't know.

[12:58] There's no,

[12:59] it's,

[12:59] Nope.

[12:59] It's,

[13:00] anyway,

[13:00] Stuart,

[13:00] but we are not even there yet.

[13:01] Mulch Diggums is being interrogated by someone who's not even in the same room with him.

[13:04] Yeah,

[13:05] somebody,

[13:05] to see the interrogator.

Stuart Wellington

[13:06] Yeah,

[13:06] he's just like staring into a box,

[13:08] where,

[13:08] and he,

[13:09] he talks about a mysterious artifact called the Aculus,

[13:13] not Oculus,

[13:14] that would be an evil,

[13:16] what,

[13:16] mirror?

[13:16] Is that the movie?

[13:17] Yeah.

[13:17] Is that the evil mirror movie?

[13:18] Yeah,

[13:18] yeah.

[13:19] And he decides,

Elliott Kalan

[13:20] And not Porkulus,

[13:21] that would be some kind of super powered pig.

[13:23] Uh-huh.

Dan McCoy

[13:24] Maybe like a pig.

[13:25] Not Porkulus 2 the next day,

[13:27] which is a terrible sequel.

[13:29] To a terrible movie.

[13:31] Uh-huh.

S3

[13:32] All right,

[13:32] Porkulus Revenge.

[13:35] I had to do it.

[13:36] So wait,

Stuart Wellington

[13:37] is Porkulus the name of the heroes of the movie,

[13:40] or is it the villain?

[13:41] Does Porkulus actually show up?

[13:43] That's a good question.

Elliott Kalan

[13:45] In the first one,

[13:45] they're searching for Porkulus,

[13:47] and he finally shows up the very end.

[13:48] The second one,

[13:49] they think he's going to be a hero,

[13:50] but he's actually a bad guy.

[13:51] And then in the third one,

[13:53] he turns out to be the good guy,

[13:55] ultimately.

Stuart Wellington

[13:56] Now,

[13:56] we've been just burning through.

[13:58] Also played by Joshua.

Elliott Kalan

[13:59] Yeah.

[13:59] Yeah,

[14:00] of course.

[14:01] And in the fourth one,

[14:02] he fights,

[14:02] what's that?

[14:03] It's that Emerson,

[14:03] Lake,

[14:03] and Palmer album.

[14:04] What is it?

[14:05] Tarkus or something like that?

[14:07] Carnival?

[14:08] No,

[14:08] no,

[14:08] the one after Carnival.

[14:09] It's like,

[14:10] Oh,

[14:11] That's the one I know.

[14:12] I'm going to have to look it up.

[14:12] Hold on.

[14:13] It's the one where it's some kind of like,

[14:14] it's some kind of like armadillo tank.

[14:16] Yeah,

[14:17] let me look it up.

Stuart Wellington

[14:18] Yeah,

[14:18] we should probably pause the podcast

[14:20] and let Elliot look something up.

[14:21] No,

[14:22] no,

[14:22] no.

[14:22] Keep going.

[14:23] Keep going.

[14:24] Okay,

[14:24] so we've been blasting through this.

S3

[14:26] it's called Tarkus.

[14:26] Anyway,

[14:27] Tarkus is.

[14:27] I coined a term for you that you might like.

[14:29] It's called Gadsposition.

Stuart Wellington

[14:31] Yeah,

[14:31] so we're getting some Gadsposition.

[14:32] We're flying through this plot.

[14:34] Time for Stuart to pump the brakes a little bit

[14:35] and point out that this movie is directed by Kenneth Branagh.

[14:38] You might know him from Woody Allen's Celebrity.

[14:41] That's probably where you know him, bro.

[14:44] So,

[14:44] Josh Gad decides to tell,

[14:46] wait,

[14:46] I said,

[14:47] I fucked it up again,

[14:48] guys.

[14:48] Mulch Diggums decides to tell us a magical story

[14:51] about a surprising little boy

[14:53] and the whole time he's doing it,

[14:55] in addition to looking like a shorter,

[14:57] dirtier Hagrid,

[14:58] he is doing it with a serious Batman voice,

[15:01] okay?

[15:01] And that's not the only Batman voice we get in this movie,

[15:04] so get excited.

[15:05] So we learn a little bit about magical Ireland.

[15:07] There's a lot of gruffness.

Elliott Kalan

[15:08] There's a lot of gruff voices in this for no reason.

S3

[15:10] Yeah.

[15:11] Half of the Gad's position in this movie

[15:13] feels like it was shot at the 12th

[15:17] in a series of reshoots.

[15:19] At the Gad's minute?

[15:20] The Gad's position feels like it was shot

[15:22] a week before the movie came out.

[15:24] That's how lazy it feels.

[15:25] Like,

[15:26] we just glue this all together.

[15:27] Get him back in here

[15:28] and glue these scenes together

[15:29] with exposition and narration.

Dan McCoy

[15:32] Yeah.

[15:32] I wanted to say something about

[15:33] how tremendously lazy the opening is

[15:36] because it really sounds like

[15:38] someone fed a bunch of fantasy movies

[15:39] into an AI

[15:40] and they're like,

[15:40] okay,

[15:41] opening exposition,

[15:43] opening monologue.

[15:45] But the thing that I really wanted to highlight

[15:46] was he goes,

[15:48] he says something like,

[15:49] this is a great story

[15:51] and it starts like all great stories do

[15:53] with magic.

[15:55] And then like,

[15:56] they show him surfing

[15:57] and then he's like at school

[15:59] and you're like,

[16:00] okay,

[16:00] well,

[16:01] it's just magic you're talking about.

[16:02] I'd even go back further

Elliott Kalan

[16:03] and say that

[16:04] the great Gatsby

[16:05] has no magic in it.

[16:06] Exactly.

[16:06] Where peace does not start with magic.

[16:09] All great stories start with magic.

[16:11] I don't,

[16:11] I would take issue with that.

S3

[16:14] Merchant of Venice

[16:14] doesn't have any magic in it.

[16:16] There's no magic in that.

Elliott Kalan

[16:18] There's no magic in the bluest eye.

[16:21] Excuse me.

[16:21] Excuse me,

[16:22] sir.

[16:23] Sir.

[16:24] Sir,

[16:25] sir,

[16:26] can I see your manager,

[16:27] sir?

[16:27] I don't remember there being any magic

[16:28] in the novel,

[16:30] The Sympathizer.

[16:31] Excuse me,

[16:31] sir.

Stuart Wellington

[16:34] So yeah,

[16:35] as Dan said,

[16:36] now that we're in story mode,

[16:39] he tells us about a magical land

[16:41] called Ireland

[16:42] where we see this little asshole,

[16:44] Artemis,

[16:45] surfing around

[16:45] and it looks way less cool

[16:47] than I think it's intended.

[16:49] He's like a super smart overachiever,

[16:51] but he's also terrible

[16:52] and I kind of want to punch him.

Elliott Kalan

[16:54] Well,

[16:54] he's a real misanthrope

[16:55] as relayed to us

[16:56] by the school therapist who,

[16:58] and I'll just mention this,

[16:59] the therapist's office

[17:00] includes a glass wall

[17:02] between the therapist's office

[17:03] and the waiting room.

[17:04] So everyone in the waiting room

[17:05] can see who's getting therapy

[17:06] at that moment,

[17:07] which is incredibly unethical.

[17:09] Like,

[17:09] I would turn around

[17:10] and walk away.

[17:11] That is not okay.

[17:12] Well,

Stuart Wellington

[17:12] everything about his therapy is,

[17:15] yeah,

[17:15] everything else he does

[17:16] in his therapy session

[17:17] is totally above board,

[17:18] though.

[17:18] He's a great therapist.

Elliott Kalan

[17:20] Oh yeah,

[17:20] he just reminds Artemis Fowl

[17:21] of his dead mom

[17:23] and absent father

[17:24] and then brags about

[17:25] an old chair that he has

[17:27] so that Artemis can show off

[17:28] his genius

[17:28] by telling him

[17:29] the chair is not as old

[17:30] as he thinks it is.

[17:32] Artemis Fowl's

[17:32] amazing ability

[17:34] to appraise

[17:35] antique chairs.

[17:37] Imagine,

[17:37] imagine young Sheldon,

S3

[17:39] but mean.

Elliott Kalan

[17:40] If,

[17:40] if young Sheldon,

[17:41] without the people skills.

[17:43] Right.

[17:44] Oh,

[17:44] wow.

[17:44] Yeah.

[17:45] Oh man,

[17:46] what a team up that would be.

S3

[17:47] Do filmmakers not realize

[17:48] that when you make a kid

[17:49] totally unlikable

[17:50] that,

[17:51] that lasts for the whole movie?

[17:52] That,

[17:52] that,

[17:53] like,

[17:53] you can't come back from that.

Dan McCoy

[17:55] Well,

[17:55] it's also not about him

[17:57] learning any kind of lesson.

[17:58] Yeah.

[17:58] like,

[17:59] I was like,

[18:00] who's this little shit?

[18:01] Like,

[18:01] when I saw it,

[18:02] because,

[18:02] you know,

[18:03] like,

[18:03] this came on the heels,

[18:05] the books came on the heels

[18:06] of,

[18:06] of Harry Potter,

[18:07] and they were rightly or wrongly

[18:09] sort of,

[18:09] like,

[18:10] looked on as this,

[18:10] like,

[18:11] attempt to jump on that train.

[18:14] Uh,

[18:15] but,

[18:15] like,

[18:16] I didn't know train

Elliott Kalan

[18:16] was what you were gonna say.

[18:17] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[18:18] Yeah,

[18:19] but,

[18:19] I mean,

[18:19] Harry Potter,

[18:20] I thought you would say bandwagon.

[18:21] Yeah,

[18:23] and,

[18:23] uh,

[18:24] again,

[18:24] JK Rowling is trash.

[18:26] like,

[18:27] the point of that,

[18:28] the beginning,

[18:29] is,

[18:30] like,

[18:30] he is this kid

[18:32] who's been through

[18:32] so much hardship,

[18:33] and you're on his side

[18:34] immediately,

[18:35] whereas this kid

[18:36] is rich,

[18:37] and is a dick to everyone.

[18:39] Well,

Dan McCoy

[18:39] I think it's supposed to,

S3

[18:40] comparing himself to,

[18:42] Einstein,

[18:44] favorably.

[18:44] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[18:45] It's like,

[18:45] do you respect anybody?

[18:46] He goes,

[18:47] hmm,

[18:47] Einstein.

[18:48] But I think,

[18:49] so here's where I think

[18:49] they get it wrong.

[18:50] So the difference is,

[18:51] there are two different

[18:51] types of fantasies.

[18:53] Harry Potter is a fantasy

[18:54] about,

[18:55] you're a lonely kid,

[18:56] and it turns out

[18:56] you're a powerful wizard,

[18:58] and everybody loves you,

[18:59] and you got,

[18:59] I don't know,

[19:00] you have sex with a dragon.

[19:01] Yeah,

[19:02] you're rich,

[19:02] and you get to become

Stuart Wellington

[19:03] a magic cop at the end.

Elliott Kalan

[19:04] Yeah,

[19:05] and with Artemis Fowl,

[19:06] it's supposed to be

[19:06] the fantasy of,

[19:07] like,

[19:07] I'm the smartest,

[19:08] most badass kid,

[19:10] and I'm not a goody-goody

[19:11] like Harry Potter.

[19:12] I do what I want.

[19:13] It's basically like,

[19:13] it's like,

[19:14] the thing that the fantasy

[19:15] people had when they voted

[19:16] for Donald Trump

[19:17] is the fantasy

[19:17] they're supposed to be having

[19:18] with Artemis Fowl

[19:19] of like,

[19:19] isn't it fun to pretend

[19:20] to be a bad guy

[19:21] for a little bit?

[19:22] Yeah.

[19:22] But instead,

[19:22] they took that character

[19:24] and tried to shove him

[19:26] into a story

[19:27] about a lonely kid

[19:28] who needs to find friends,

[19:30] and it was like,

[19:31] hmm,

[19:31] this,

[19:32] why,

[19:32] he's pushed away everybody,

[19:34] and he's a jerk.

Dan McCoy

[19:35] And as a result,

[19:36] they made a movie

[19:37] as bad as Donald Trump.

[19:39] No,

[19:39] I mean,

[19:40] obviously,

[19:40] nothing is as bad

[19:41] as Donald Trump.

[19:42] He's the worst thing

[19:43] in the world right now.

Elliott Kalan

[19:44] A lot of lefty politics

[19:45] in this episode.

[19:46] Anyway,

[19:46] so we also learned

[19:47] that his dad,

[19:48] Colin Farrell,

[19:49] taught him all about

[19:51] Irish folklore.

[19:53] Now,

[19:53] do they show us

[19:53] him teaching about

[19:54] Irish folklore,

[19:55] or is this just more

[19:55] mulch diggums talk?

Stuart Wellington

[19:57] Don't they just like

[19:58] walk around

[19:59] and look at stuff?

[20:00] And the thing is

[20:01] that previously...

[20:01] He shows him a lot

[20:02] of old stumps.

S3

[20:03] Now,

[20:04] yeah.

[20:04] But guys,

[20:04] was Colin Farrell,

[20:05] is he an attentive dad,

[20:07] or is he like absentee

[20:08] and never there?

Stuart Wellington

[20:09] Well,

[20:09] I mean,

[20:10] when he's there,

[20:11] he's great.

[20:12] You know,

[20:12] that's the thing.

[20:12] You just look forward

[20:13] to the times

[20:14] when he's around.

[20:14] Okay.

[20:15] Yeah.

[20:16] But he asked him

[20:16] if he was always leaving.

[20:18] So when you see

[20:19] Colin Farrell's cast

[20:20] as Artemis Sr.,

[20:21] you're probably hoping

[20:22] for a killing

[20:22] of a sacred deer situation.

[20:24] No such luck.

Elliott Kalan

[20:26] I was hoping

[20:27] it would be

[20:27] a real lobster situation

[20:28] and their maid

[20:29] would just come in

[20:29] and rub herself

[20:30] on his crotch

[20:31] to force him

[20:32] to make a choice

[20:32] to fall in love.

[20:33] I would have been happy

[20:34] with a little

S3

[20:34] just a dash of

[20:35] in Bruges

[20:36] would have pleased me.

Elliott Kalan

[20:37] Oh,

[20:37] very nice.

[20:37] We didn't even get

[20:39] any Tigerland,

[20:40] guys.

Stuart Wellington

[20:42] We didn't even get

[20:43] any Alexander.

[20:44] There's no SWAT.

[20:45] Well,

[20:45] there's a little SWAT.

[20:47] There's a lot of SWAT.

[20:47] There's a fair SWAT.

Elliott Kalan

[20:49] But this is

[20:50] a very dour movie.

[20:52] So at this point,

[20:53] we're probably like,

[20:53] what,

[20:53] 10 minutes in

[20:54] and I was like,

[20:55] ooh,

[20:55] magic makes everything depressing.

S3

[20:57] Yeah.

[20:58] But we're about to be

[20:59] dropped knee deep

[21:00] in a digital explosion

[21:01] of fairy creatures

[21:02] and fairy tale lore.

[21:04] Let's enjoy it.

Stuart Wellington

[21:06] Uh-huh.

[21:06] So let's hit the gas now.

[21:09] He teaches,

[21:09] so Artemis' dad

[21:12] teaches Artemis' son

[21:13] all about Irish magic

[21:14] and then he leaves

[21:15] on a long,

[21:16] mysterious trip.

[21:17] We're introduced

[21:17] to Artemis' only friend

[21:19] who is Dom Butler,

[21:21] who is his butler,

[21:23] but you're not supposed

[21:24] to call him a butler,

[21:25] but he's like,

[21:25] you know,

[21:26] like a big bodyguard type.

[21:28] Mm-hmm.

[21:28] Yeah.

[21:29] Artemis Sr.

[21:29] has disappeared

[21:31] while on this trip

[21:32] and he finds out

[21:33] from the news

[21:35] that his dad

[21:36] is a suspected

[21:36] master thief,

[21:38] which,

[21:39] I mean,

[21:40] all kids,

[21:40] I mean,

[21:41] most kids find out

[21:42] all their information

[21:42] on the news,

[21:44] right?

[21:45] Yeah, yeah.

[21:46] Kids love the news.

Elliott Kalan

[21:47] They love to leave it on.

[21:48] Oh, no, wait,

[21:48] that's old people.

[21:49] That's old people

[21:49] who leave the news

[21:50] on on their TV

[21:50] all day.

[21:51] You forgot a weird

S3

[21:52] kids learning about,

[21:53] you forgot a weird

[21:54] piece of whimsy

[21:55] back there, Stuart.

[21:56] I didn't get how.

[21:57] I'm going to forget

[21:58] a lot of pieces.

[21:58] He says,

[21:59] don't call him Butler

[22:01] even though he is

[22:02] the Butler

[22:03] and his name is Butler,

[22:05] but don't call him Butler.

[22:06] Yeah.

[22:07] That's good writing.

[22:08] Yeah, he doesn't like it.

[22:09] It's multiple levels.

Elliott Kalan

[22:11] And we eventually

[22:13] we'll meet,

[22:14] well, I guess

[22:15] that hasn't happened yet.

[22:16] We'll meet the Butler's,

[22:17] what, niece,

[22:17] who's also brought there

[22:18] and then she disappears

[22:19] for broad swaths

[22:20] of the movie

[22:20] even though they're

[22:21] all in the same house together.

Stuart Wellington

[22:22] Elliot, Elliot,

[22:23] you know what's great

[22:23] about doing your own podcast

[22:24] is you can kind of

[22:25] jump the fuck around

[22:26] if you want.

[22:27] So in fact,

[22:27] we'll just get to it.

[22:29] We're introduced to

[22:30] who you think

[22:31] is going to be

[22:32] the second lead

[22:33] of the movie,

[22:34] Juliet Butler,

[22:35] who is a,

[22:36] you know,

[22:36] another 12 year old

[22:38] who is hyper functioning.

[22:40] I think she is introduced

[22:41] like fighting

[22:42] like Kendo

[22:43] or something in the woods.

[22:45] And she is introduced

[22:47] and then,

[22:48] as you said,

[22:49] disappears,

[22:49] does almost nothing

[22:50] except run away

[22:51] from a troll later.

S3

[22:53] I think that the,

[22:54] where she works

[22:55] might be the only clever bit

[22:56] that I enjoyed

[22:57] and it might be

[22:58] the only reason

[22:59] the books ever got greenlit.

[23:00] She works for an outfit

[23:01] called Lep Recon.

[23:05] So,

[23:05] that's a cute little pun there.

[23:08] If you're like

[23:08] trying to incorporate

[23:09] like old school folklore

[23:10] into modern technology,

[23:12] you Lep Recon.

[23:14] But that's not enough

[23:15] to build a movie

[23:15] and eight books around.

Dan McCoy

[23:18] Yeah.

[23:19] Well,

[23:19] we'll see.

[23:19] Speaking of,

[23:20] speaking of her disappearing

[23:21] from wide swaths,

[23:22] now,

[23:23] toward the end

[23:24] of the movie

[23:25] where I wanted

[23:26] to look anywhere

[23:27] but the screen,

[23:29] so I can only

[23:30] take Audrey's word

[23:30] for this,

[23:31] she says that

[23:32] this character

[23:34] who disappears

[23:35] was not even there

[23:37] during her

[23:38] relative,

[23:40] uncle,

[23:40] is it?

[23:41] Uncle's like death scene?

[23:42] During the scene

Elliott Kalan

[23:43] when,

[23:43] well,

[23:43] we'll get to it,

[23:44] when Butler

[23:44] almost dies.

[23:46] He briefly dies.

Stuart Wellington

[23:46] He comes back.

[23:47] So you weren't

[23:48] watching this part,

[23:49] so you had tied

[23:50] Audrey to the mast

[23:51] so she could

[23:52] watch the movie

[23:53] and you wouldn't have to.

Dan McCoy

[23:55] She had like

[23:56] those clockwork orange

[23:57] eye things on.

[23:57] The canary and the coma

[23:58] on.

[23:59] Tell me what happened.

[24:00] Yeah,

[24:00] and I was just like,

[24:01] you just,

[24:02] yeah,

[24:02] I was like in the other room

[24:03] and I was like,

[24:04] you just shout it to me.

[24:05] You just tell me.

Elliott Kalan

[24:06] Dan,

[24:06] I'm constantly

[24:07] so impressed

[24:08] by your dedication

[24:09] to the podcast

[24:10] that rather than

[24:12] pausing the film,

[24:13] you decided not to

[24:14] break up the experience

[24:15] and you said,

[24:15] I'm going to watch it

[24:16] like I was in the theater

[24:17] and just let it

[24:18] keep rolling

[24:18] while I leave the room

[24:19] to,

[24:20] was it cutting up

[24:20] a mango this time?

[24:21] That was the excuse

[24:22] last time.

Dan McCoy

[24:23] Believe me,

[24:23] if I saw this

[24:24] in the theater,

[24:26] I would have

[24:26] abandoned the entire

[24:29] enterprise.

S3

[24:30] That's,

[24:30] you know what,

[24:31] see,

[24:31] that's an interesting

[24:32] point that you

[24:33] just nailed

[24:34] and this was supposed

[24:34] to be a wide

[24:35] theatrical release

[24:36] and if this final

[24:37] product had come

[24:38] out in theaters,

[24:39] people would have

[24:40] been even rougher

[24:41] on it.

[24:41] I mean,

[24:42] it's atrocious.

[24:43] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[24:44] Yeah.

[24:44] Well,

[24:45] yeah,

[24:45] I mean,

[24:45] I feel like if this

[24:46] movie had been

[24:47] released in theaters,

[24:47] there would have

[24:48] been a shortage

[24:48] of theater mangoes

[24:50] because so many

[24:50] people would have

[24:51] been leaving the

[24:52] theater to go buy

[24:53] theater mangoes.

Elliott Kalan

[24:54] Dan,

[24:55] you'll be happy

[24:55] to know.

[24:56] You'll be happy

[24:57] to know.

[24:57] I don't remember

[24:57] if we ever talked

[24:58] about this on the

[24:58] podcast,

[24:59] did we,

[24:59] about how you

[24:59] missed what was

[25:00] going on?

[25:00] Oh,

[25:00] no,

[25:01] it was in that

[25:01] mini.

[25:02] You missed what

[25:02] was going on

[25:03] because you were

[25:03] busy cutting a mango

[25:04] and this is now,

[25:05] whenever I'm complaining

[25:06] about you,

[25:07] Dan,

[25:07] and I'm like,

[25:08] oh,

[25:08] Dan wasn't around

[25:08] for this thing,

[25:09] Sammy's like,

[25:09] oh,

Dan McCoy

[25:16] you complained

[25:17] about me

[25:17] around the house

[25:18] in Sammy's

[25:20] earshot.

[25:21] Thank you,

[25:21] Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[25:22] It's only because

[25:23] Sammy always wants

[25:25] to hear about you.

[25:25] I told you about

[25:26] when we were going

[25:26] through our wedding

[25:27] photos and he was

[25:28] like,

[25:28] we're the Dan

[25:28] pictures.

[25:29] Show me pictures

[25:30] of Dan.

Dan McCoy

[25:31] I mean,

[25:32] you know that

[25:33] Sammy's my favorite.

[25:34] Child in the world.

[25:36] Oh,

[25:36] that's sweet.

[25:36] I want to tell

[25:37] Gabriel that.

[25:37] Hey,

[25:38] I've had less time

[25:40] to get to know

[25:40] Gabriel.

[25:41] I did want to say

[25:43] one thing

[25:44] that is brought up

[25:46] by this.

[25:47] Yeah,

[25:47] this was on the mini,

[25:48] this mango story.

[25:50] This is one of the

[25:51] great things you're

[25:52] missing if you don't

[25:53] listen to the minis.

[25:54] I know that the minis

[25:54] have less of a download

[25:56] and I think there's

[25:58] been some really good

[25:58] ones lately.

[25:59] That was in the

Elliott Kalan

[26:00] Get Even mini,

[26:02] right?

[26:02] Yes,

[26:03] yes,

[26:03] yes.

[26:04] So,

[26:05] Stuart,

[26:06] this is when,

[26:07] does Artemis Jr.

[26:08] find out what

[26:08] happened to Artemis Sr.?

Stuart Wellington

[26:09] That's what we would

[26:11] call leading

[26:11] question,

[26:12] Elliot.

[26:12] So,

[26:13] yeah,

[26:14] so Artemis is

[26:16] obviously overruled.

Elliott Kalan

[26:18] Hearsay,

[26:19] he saw it in a movie.

[26:20] So,

Stuart Wellington

[26:21] Artemis Jr.

[26:23] is tearing out his

[26:24] hair,

[26:24] he's rending his

[26:25] garments,

[26:25] there is no way

[26:26] that this fake news

[26:27] bullshit would call

[26:28] his father a thief.

[26:30] And around now,

[26:31] he receives a phone

[26:32] call from

[26:33] Opal Cowboy,

[26:36] an evil fairy,

[26:38] who is living in a

[26:38] mountain fortress

[26:39] and has his father

[26:40] captured in some

[26:41] kind of crystal

[26:42] trap.

[26:44] I think that's

[26:44] all correct.

[26:45] This is why I was

Elliott Kalan

[26:46] glad Stuart got to

[26:47] do the breakdown

[26:48] this episode.

Stuart Wellington

[26:49] And make some

[26:50] kind of ransom

[26:52] demand,

[26:52] you gotta bring me

[26:53] the Aculis.

[26:54] In three days.

[26:55] In three days.

[26:56] You got three days.

[26:57] complaining,

Dan McCoy

[26:57] when I was complaining

[26:58] about this movie

[26:59] while watching it,

[27:00] I was saying like,

[27:02] this movie is just

[27:02] like people staying

[27:03] in one place.

[27:04] Like you got Artemis

[27:05] at the fucking

[27:06] mansion grounds

[27:07] all the time.

[27:09] And then you like

[27:09] cut back to like,

[27:10] oh,

[27:11] it's Colin Farrell

[27:11] hanging around.

S3

[27:13] So it really plays like,

[27:15] I mean,

[27:15] I imagine like if I

[27:16] went over to Elliot's

[27:17] house and he were to

[27:17] show me a photo album

[27:19] of his trip to,

[27:21] let's say,

[27:22] Mexico.

[27:22] And instead of a movie,

[27:24] he just shows me 12

[27:25] still photos.

[27:27] And for each photo,

[27:28] he talks for 15 minutes.

[27:30] That's what this movie

[27:31] feels like.

Elliott Kalan

[27:32] Yeah.

[27:32] That's kind of,

[27:33] now here's what I'll say

[27:34] that maybe they were so

[27:36] prescient and they were

[27:36] like, you know what,

[27:37] when this movie comes out,

[27:38] people aren't going to be

[27:39] able to leave their homes.

[27:40] So we'll have Artemis

[27:42] stay at his house.

[27:43] We'll have Opal always

[27:44] stay at her house.

[27:45] I think her,

[27:46] because it's a woman

[27:47] doing the voice,

[27:47] but we don't know.

[27:48] We never learned

[27:48] anything about Opal.

[27:49] And we'll have Judi Dench

[27:51] for most of the movie,

[27:52] because Judi Dench

[27:53] could be in her

[27:54] underground fairy world

[27:55] and we just won't have

[27:56] them interact very much.

[27:57] And you know what?

[27:58] People will really be able

[27:59] to relate to these

[28:00] characters who go on

[28:01] a wild, magical,

[28:03] mystical,

[28:04] marvelous adventure

[28:05] without leaving

[28:06] their very own home

[28:07] for days.

Dan McCoy

[28:08] And Judi Dench

[28:09] is mostly looking at

[28:10] screens and interacting

[28:11] with people on screens

[28:13] or things on screens.

[28:14] There's one moment

Elliott Kalan

[28:15] where you can see her

[28:17] thinking in her mind

[28:19] about how stupid

[28:19] what she's saying is.

[28:21] while she's a professional.

Dan McCoy

[28:23] But she's a professional.

[28:23] I mean,

[28:23] she comes out of this

[28:24] the most unscathed,

[28:26] much like she is

[28:28] one of the best things

[28:29] in Cats.

S3

[28:29] If anybody can walk

[28:30] out of this movie

[28:31] unscathed,

[28:31] it's Judi Dench.

[28:32] She made it out of Riddick.

[28:33] She can make it out of this.

[28:34] But she looks bored.

[28:37] I don't care if huge stars

[28:39] are in a bad movie,

[28:40] but give them something

[28:41] to do.

[28:42] She looks bored.

Elliott Kalan

[28:44] I was watching this

[28:45] with my wife.

[28:46] She goes,

[28:46] how did they get Judi Dench?

[28:47] And I'm like,

[28:47] she's British.

[28:48] She'll do anything.

[28:49] Right?

[28:50] Lawrence Olivier,

S3

[28:51] in his later years,

[28:53] did some really

[28:54] questionable films as well.

[28:56] Everybody needs to get paid,

[28:57] but if you're going to have

[28:58] Judi Dench on your set,

[29:00] rewrite something.

[29:01] Give her something

[29:01] like juicy

[29:02] or funny

[29:03] or scary.

[29:04] She's just perfunctory.

[29:05] It's not her fault,

[29:06] but boy,

[29:07] it's not.

Elliott Kalan

[29:09] And she's literally

[29:09] riding around on a Segway

[29:10] for a lot of the movies,

[29:11] so she's not even walking.

[29:12] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[29:13] So we find out that,

[29:15] so Artemis learns the hard way

[29:17] that there's truth

[29:18] to all of these stories

[29:20] about fairy stuff

[29:21] and that his father

[29:22] has a secret office

[29:23] and there's all kinds

[29:24] of secret bullshit in there

[29:25] and he uses an old,

[29:28] what,

[29:28] like bedtime poem

[29:29] or something

[29:30] to find his father's

[29:31] secret hidden journal

[29:32] and he starts reading

[29:34] that shit

[29:34] and then...

Elliott Kalan

[29:35] I'll mention that

[29:36] a lot of his,

[29:36] a lot of the magical,

[29:37] mystical bullshit

[29:38] is just bottles

[29:39] with glowing liquids

[29:40] in them.

[29:41] Yeah.

[29:41] And we don't know

[29:42] what it is.

[29:42] It just looks like

[29:43] cloudy milk.

[29:44] He just,

[29:44] he just is a hoarder

[29:45] who collects

[29:45] cloudy milk.

Elliott Kalan

[29:45] And we're just waiting

S3

[29:46] for him to like

[29:47] open the drawer

[29:47] that will take us

[29:48] to the next

[29:49] narration sequence.

[29:51] That's it.

Stuart Wellington

[29:52] Yeah.

[29:53] Which is,

[29:54] of course,

[29:55] we are introduced

[29:56] to Haven City

[29:57] that is the

[29:58] underground fairy city

[29:59] which is like

[30:00] a mix of

[30:01] Coruscant

[30:02] and like

[30:03] with a big dash

[30:04] of Shadowrun

[30:05] thrown in there

[30:05] and we're introduced,

[30:07] you know,

[30:07] there's like

[30:07] flying buses

[30:09] all over the place

[30:10] and like

[30:10] it's a little bit

[30:11] like,

[30:11] it's a little crappy,

[30:13] it's a little like

[30:13] beat up,

[30:15] a little like

[30:15] cyberpunk-y.

[30:17] It's kind of a mix

Elliott Kalan

[30:18] of like a Star Wars prequel

[30:19] and The Fifth Element

[30:20] and Men in Black

[30:21] and a Sharper Image store.

[30:22] Yes, exactly.

[30:23] Like that's what it feels like.

S3

[30:23] It's kind of a beat up

[30:25] dingy B-roll

[30:27] of Hellboy 2.

Dan McCoy

[30:28] Yes.

[30:28] And I would say

[30:30] that like in a better movie

[30:32] I would find this

[30:33] more interesting.

[30:34] I mean,

[30:34] you could say that

[30:34] about basically anything

[30:35] but like

[30:35] these fantasy creatures

[30:39] with science fiction technology

[30:41] is a thing that I'm sure

[30:42] is very common

[30:45] in other media

[30:46] but not so much

[30:47] in movies.

[30:48] Like you don't

[30:48] usually see

[30:50] these high fantasy creatures

[30:52] with this kind of

[30:53] like they say

[30:55] Star Wars prequel

[30:56] stuff around them.

[30:58] But because this movie

[31:00] is so bad

[31:01] and confusing otherwise

[31:02] I just found it

[31:04] sort of like

[31:04] more confusing.

[31:06] Well, it raises

Elliott Kalan

[31:06] two questions for me

[31:08] that the movie

[31:09] never answers

[31:09] which is one

[31:10] if they have super magic

[31:12] why are they shooting lasers

[31:13] at each other

[31:14] and wearing space helmets?

[31:15] They have magic.

[31:16] They don't need all this junk.

[31:17] And two

[31:18] they make a point

[31:19] a lot of times

[31:20] in the movie

[31:20] of saying

[31:20] we can't let anyone see us.

[31:22] We can't let humanity

[31:22] know that we're down here.

[31:23] We can't let anyone see

[31:24] any fairies up above.

[31:26] And it's like

[31:26] you seem like

[31:27] you have the ability

[31:28] to wipe out humanity.

[31:29] You can control time

[31:30] and you have lasers

[31:31] and magic.

[31:32] I don't understand

[31:33] why you need to hide.

[31:34] Like at best case scenario

[31:36] we should be trading partners.

[31:37] Worst case scenario

[31:38] you are a conqueror.

[31:39] I don't understand.

Dan McCoy

[31:40] They could just not like us.

S3

[31:43] Yes.

[31:44] Children in a backyard

[31:45] do better world building

[31:47] than this movie does.

[31:48] There's no world building.

[31:49] It's here's an establishing shot

[31:51] and some narration.

[31:52] But there's no actual

[31:53] world building.

Dan McCoy

[31:55] I mean it could be

[31:56] just like someone

[31:57] like pretending

[31:57] not to answer the doorbell

[31:59] when someone they don't like

[32:00] comes to the door.

[32:01] Maybe the fairies

[32:01] are just like ugh.

[32:03] These humans.

Elliott Kalan

[32:04] Humans again.

[32:05] I mean we do learn

[32:05] that in the world

[32:06] of Haven City

[32:07] it doesn't matter

[32:07] if you're a prisoner

[32:08] being taken to

[32:09] the worst prison

[32:10] in the world

[32:11] or you're a police officer

[32:12] who's reentering the city

[32:13] you have to go

[32:14] through the same gates.

[32:15] So you wait online

[32:16] with each other.

Stuart Wellington

[32:17] Yeah.

[32:17] So this is when

[32:18] we're introduced to

[32:19] I guess our second lead

[32:20] who is a cop

[32:22] named Holly Short

[32:23] who is the daughter

[32:24] of a famous trader

[32:25] who originally stole

[32:26] the Aculis.

[32:27] But I guess she's trying

[32:28] to clear her father's name

[32:30] or something.

[32:30] Eh who cares.

[32:31] So this is where

[32:33] we're reintroduced

[32:34] to Mulch.

[32:34] Mulch is getting sentenced

[32:36] to the worst prison

[32:37] for stealing stuff

[32:38] I think.

[32:39] Breaking and tunneling.

Elliott Kalan

[32:40] Or no tunneling and entering.

[32:42] Something like that.

Stuart Wellington

[32:42] Yep tunneling and entering.

[32:43] They make a lot of jokes

[32:44] about how he is tall

[32:46] for a dwarf.

[32:46] I guess he's a dwarf.

[32:48] And I don't know

[32:50] like I think he's getting

[32:51] 400 years

[32:51] which seems excessive

[32:53] but I don't know

[32:54] they're I don't know

[32:55] the criminal justice system

[32:56] is terrible.

Elliott Kalan

[32:57] So.

[32:58] Also they live a long time.

[32:59] At one point Judy Dench

[33:00] says to Holly

[33:01] you're 84 years old

[33:02] you're still young

[33:02] you got your whole life

[33:03] ahead of you.

[33:03] So they live for centuries.

Dan McCoy

[33:04] Yeah.

[33:05] Well yeah and Judy Dench

[33:06] is like 800.

S3

[33:07] Yeah.

[33:08] That raises a really

[33:08] interesting question guys.

[33:10] In the world

[33:10] where somebody let's say

[33:12] where a creature lives

[33:13] to say 900

[33:13] what effect does that have

[33:15] on criminal justice

[33:16] and jurisprudence?

[33:17] You wouldn't sentence

[33:18] someone to five years

[33:19] for embezzlement

[33:19] if they lived to 900.

Stuart Wellington

[33:21] That's I guess that's true.

[33:23] Yeah.

[33:23] I guess sentences

[33:24] would be longer

[33:25] in a as we've already

[33:26] established a terrible system.

Dan McCoy

[33:28] But would they though?

[33:31] I mean like is a sentence

[33:32] as it stands now

[33:34] other than a life sentence

[33:36] which obviously

[33:36] is in relation

[33:39] to one's life

[33:39] although life

[33:40] rarely means life.

[33:42] Even a life sentence

[33:42] is not so political.

[33:43] That's so philosophical there.

[33:44] Wow.

[33:45] No no but like

[33:46] like non-life sentence

[33:48] sentences

[33:48] are those determined

[33:50] as like what percentage

[33:51] they are

[33:52] of someone's

[33:53] expected life

[33:54] lifespan?

[33:55] I don't think that that's

Elliott Kalan

[33:56] Yeah I think that's

[33:56] what they do Dan.

[33:57] Yeah yeah that's how they do it.

[33:58] Well no I'm arguing

[33:59] against that as a notion.

[34:00] They do like a physical

Stuart Wellington

[34:01] and they're like

[34:02] hmm okay.

Elliott Kalan

[34:03] They're like let's find out

[34:04] how long you're gonna live.

[34:05] Let's count your teeth.

Stuart Wellington

[34:07] So Elliot got really excited.

[34:09] He already mentioned

[34:10] Judy Dench.

[34:10] Judy Dench plays

[34:11] Commander Root.

[34:12] She is also doing

[34:13] a Batman voice.

[34:15] We got two Batmans

[34:16] and Judy Dench has

[34:17] decided to mentor

[34:18] this young fairy cop

[34:20] Holly Short.

[34:22] I think

[34:23] I think in her heart

[34:24] she believes that

[34:25] Holly's father

[34:26] was wrongfully accused

[34:27] but we'll find out later.

Elliott Kalan

[34:29] And she says to Holly

[34:31] that all of fairy land

[34:33] is at risk

[34:33] unless they find

[34:34] the Aculis.

[34:35] This is never explained.

Dan McCoy

[34:37] It also bears mentioning

[34:38] at this point

[34:39] that along with

[34:41] the tremendous amount

[34:42] of negative criticism

[34:44] for Art of this file

[34:45] there was also

[34:46] minor controversy

[34:47] in that Holly

[34:48] was described as

[34:49] having brown skin

[34:50] in the book

[34:51] and this is another

[34:52] whitewashing situation.

[34:53] Oh I would just like to

S3

[34:54] in response to that

[34:56] I would just like to

[34:56] also interject

[34:57] that I believe

[34:58] that J.K. Rowling

[34:58] is a piece of shit.

[35:01] Oh thank you.

[35:02] Okay.

[35:06] I mean never a wrong

[35:07] time to say that.

[35:09] Well three of you

[35:10] have already said it.

[35:11] I wanted to get mine in.

[35:12] That's all.

[35:12] I'm sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[35:13] Now there's a

[35:14] on Wikipedia

[35:15] if this is short

[35:16] they talk about

[35:17] that Saoirse Ronan

[35:18] was attached to this role

[35:19] at one point

[35:20] which seems like

[35:21] it would have been

[35:21] maybe the biggest waste

[35:23] of acting talent

[35:24] I can imagine.

[35:27] Oh that's funny.

S3

[35:28] I find it you know

[35:29] and I know we're not

[35:30] but I always feel

[35:31] kind of bad

[35:32] for the actors

[35:33] in a way

[35:33] because you know

[35:34] that the script

[35:35] they got

[35:35] was at least

[35:36] marginally better

[35:37] than this

[35:38] and guaranteed

[35:40] actors that were

[35:40] kind of knocking

[35:41] for not doing much

[35:42] had more to do

[35:43] in the movie

[35:44] but it feels like

[35:45] literally 90 minutes

[35:46] got cut from this film.

[35:47] There's the original

[35:48] David Mamet draft.

[35:49] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[35:50] So this is around

[35:51] where the

[35:53] Elliot had mentioned

[35:53] this earlier

[35:54] that some person

[35:56] who we have no idea

[35:57] who he is

[35:57] gets released

[35:59] out of prison

[36:00] by Opal Cowboy

[36:02] saying something

[36:03] about like

[36:04] I need you to spy

[36:05] for me or something.

[36:06] Yeah.

[36:07] Whatever.

[36:08] We'll get him later.

[36:09] His name is Briar Cudgeon.

[36:11] Oh okay.

[36:12] Cool.

[36:13] I thought you were

[36:14] making that up.

Elliott Kalan

[36:15] This is the only

[36:16] worst names

[36:17] that I can

[36:17] and you know what

[36:18] all fantasy names

[36:19] are kind of silly

[36:19] but there's

[36:20] what's the show

[36:21] it's an Amazon show

[36:22] where it's a murder mystery

[36:23] and they're fantasy creatures

[36:24] it's called like

[36:25] Hollyhock Lane

[36:26] or something like that.

[36:27] Carnival Row.

[36:28] Hemlock.

[36:28] Carnival Row.

[36:29] I was reading

[36:30] the review of it

[36:31] and it was like

[36:31] Detective Inspector

[36:33] Gulliver Mickleboss

[36:34] and I'm like

[36:34] alright forget about it

[36:36] has to team up

[36:37] with Carnival

[36:38] performer

[36:39] Ivy Galindagall

[36:40] and I was like

[36:41] never mind

[36:42] forget it.

[36:43] I can't even

[36:44] read the review.

Stuart Wellington

[36:45] See I start reading

[36:45] that and I'm like

[36:46] oh I like

[36:47] where this is going.

[36:49] Sounds like an adventure.

S3

[36:50] By this point

[36:52] by this late point

[36:53] it's just

[36:54] when you see

[36:55] all of the bullet points

[36:56] that are endemic

[36:57] or part of the

[36:59] young adult novel

[36:59] and the young adult adaptation

[37:01] by this point

[37:02] you start to get

[37:03] irritated

[37:03] at the cynicism of it.

[37:05] You know

[37:05] it's not just

[37:06] hey Harry Potter

[37:07] was a big hit

[37:07] we have some good stories too

[37:08] by this point

[37:09] it's just so mercenary

[37:11] how they're like

[37:11] aping the formula.

Stuart Wellington

[37:13] Yeah.

[37:14] Yeah.

[37:15] Yeah.

[37:16] So around now

[37:17] so meanwhile

[37:18] like Artemis

[37:19] and Dom

[37:20] are like

[37:20] getting into trouble

[37:21] and like

[37:22] they hang out

[37:22] with Julia a little bit

[37:23] doesn't matter.

[37:24] I think they start

[37:25] staking out

[37:25] the

[37:26] what like

[37:27] the

[37:27] like the biggest

[37:29] tree on their property

[37:30] I don't know

[37:30] what's going on.

Elliott Kalan

[37:31] That's a tree

[37:32] where they've been

[37:33] led to believe

[37:33] by his dad's journals

[37:34] that fairies

[37:35] come to sometimes.

S3

[37:36] This is where

[37:37] the movie

[37:37] completely threw me

[37:38] like a roller coaster

[37:39] I wasn't strapped into.

[37:41] I watched it twice

[37:42] and this is where

[37:43] I was just like

[37:44] I don't know

[37:44] I feel like I'm watching

[37:45] a Peter Gabriel video

[37:46] I don't know what

[37:47] I'm watching plot wise.

[37:48] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[37:49] Wait is there a plot

[37:50] to the Peter Gabriel videos?

[37:51] Like does Sledgehammer

[37:52] have a plot?

S3

[37:53] No that's

[37:53] they're just

[37:54] avant-garde

[37:55] hopefully interesting

[37:56] kind of visual coolness.

[37:58] And that's another thing

[38:00] except for the establishing shots

[38:01] that they think

[38:02] are all like

[38:02] here's our

[38:03] stately castle

[38:04] or our cool

[38:05] warren of

[38:06] whole

[38:07] it's an ugly movie.

[38:09] Kenneth Branagh

[38:09] has made some

[38:10] wonderfully good looking movies.

[38:12] This movie is ugly.

[38:13] I don't get

[38:13] why it looks like

[38:14] so brown and grungy.

Elliott Kalan

[38:16] I think they're

[38:18] trying to

[38:19] for a certain amount

[38:20] of it

[38:20] is they're stuck

[38:21] in the kind of classic

[38:22] I think

[38:22] Gaelic fantasy

[38:24] color palette

[38:25] of greens and browns

[38:26] and they

[38:28] add to that

[38:29] the color

[38:31] that is synonymous

[38:31] with dimensional portals

[38:33] and ultra

[38:34] technology of the movies

[38:35] glowy blue

[38:37] and so there's just

[38:38] a lot of like

[38:38] glowy blue

[38:39] and darkly lit

[38:40] underground scenes

[38:41] and greens and browns

[38:42] it's a movie

[38:43] where you're like

[38:44] hey you know

[38:44] what color I like

[38:45] red

[38:46] you know

[38:46] what's another

[38:47] fun color

[38:47] yellow

[38:48] I'd love to see

[38:48] these colors

[38:49] pink is a color

[38:50] can I see some

[38:51] of those please

Stuart Wellington

[38:51] yeah let's

[38:52] let's drench this

[38:53] in synth wave

[38:54] okay so

[38:56] I mean I would love that

Elliott Kalan

[38:57] I mean how is that

[38:58] not better

[38:59] how is that

[39:00] not improvement

[39:00] that would have been

Stuart Wellington

[39:01] way better

Elliott Kalan

[39:01] let's liquid sky

[39:02] this thing up

[39:03] come on guys

Stuart Wellington

[39:03] so we're introduced

[39:05] to down in Haven City

[39:06] we're introduced

[39:07] to another cool character

[39:08] that's right

[39:08] Foley the centaur

[39:10] tech genius

[39:11] best character

[39:12] they do that

[39:13] clever thing

[39:14] a script does

[39:14] where they

[39:15] make a point

[39:16] of saying

[39:16] don't ask

[39:17] to ride him

[39:18] so you're like

[39:19] oh fuck

[39:19] somebody's gonna ask

[39:20] to ride this guy

[39:21] at the end of the movie

[39:22] like that's the only way

[39:23] they're gonna stop it

[39:23] but you know

[39:24] you gotta assume

[39:25] that that's rule number one

[39:26] is you would never

[39:27] ask a centaur

[39:28] if you could ride them

[39:29] so you're saying

[39:32] that the movie

[39:33] made the subtext

[39:34] text and you're

[39:34] unhappy about it

[39:35] oh it just seems

S3

[39:36] so obvious to me

Elliott Kalan

[39:37] also I do like

[39:39] that they took

[39:39] the Irish name Foley

[39:40] and they spell it

[39:41] F-O-A-L

[39:43] like a foal

[39:43] like a baby horse

[39:45] because he's half horse

[39:47] foley

[39:47] wow

[39:48] shit

S3

[39:48] movie gets points

[39:49] I like this movie

[39:50] more now

[39:51] than you just

Elliott Kalan

[39:51] I'm just saying

[39:53] the movie's having

[39:54] a little fun

[39:54] or the creator

[39:55] of Artemis Fowl

[39:56] if there's a character

[39:56] from the book

[39:57] is having some fun

S3

[39:58] so Holly

[39:59] I still insist

[40:00] that Lep

[40:01] recon

[40:01] is slightly clever

Stuart Wellington

[40:02] so Holly

[40:04] Short is given

[40:05] a mission

[40:05] because all the

[40:06] other fairy cops

[40:07] are dealing

[40:07] with some bullshit

[40:08] so of course

[40:09] she has to ride

[40:10] some lava

[40:11] to the surface

[40:12] she goes to a wedding

[40:14] where a troll

[40:15] has showed up

[40:16] and she gets in a fight

[40:18] with a troll

[40:18] wait let me finish

[40:19] Elliot

[40:20] wasn't even

[40:20] invited

[40:21] now she goes

[40:22] to the wedding

[40:22] to catch the troll

Elliott Kalan

[40:23] just to make it clear

[40:24] even though in my notes

[40:26] I wrote

[40:27] sent to the surface

[40:28] in a lava rock

[40:29] to find dot dot dot

[40:30] someone question mark

[40:31] who escaped question mark

[40:33] it turns out

[40:33] there's a troll

[40:34] on the loose

[40:35] she goes to an Italian wedding

[40:36] where the troll is there

[40:37] I assume because the troll

[40:38] heard about their amazing soup

[40:39] because is there a better soup

[40:41] than Italian wedding soup

[40:42] maybe

[40:42] but I haven't tasted it

Stuart Wellington

[40:44] so yeah

[40:46] so she shows up

[40:47] to capture this troll

[40:48] then they freeze everything

[40:50] and just take the troll away

[40:52] like why do they send her

[40:54] and then they men in black

[40:55] all the humans

[40:56] that was the part

[40:57] that was the part

Elliott Kalan

[40:58] I found the most

[40:58] the most

[40:59] the most insulting

[41:00] was when they sent fairies

[41:02] to put flashbulbs

[41:03] in people's eyes

[41:03] to make them forget

[41:05] do you think I didn't see

[41:06] men in black

[41:06] like there were three of them

[41:08] like you can't just pretend

[41:09] this is your idea

[41:10] yeah make it like

Dan McCoy

[41:11] fairy dust or something

[41:12] come on

[41:13] you can't do the bulb thing

[41:14] but I also like

[41:15] the casualness

[41:16] of the making them forget

[41:18] because while they're doing this

[41:20] like you know

[41:20] the time is frozen

[41:21] and it basically looks like

[41:23] you know

[41:23] in an X-Men movie

[41:24] when Quicksilver's going around

[41:26] even though I don't think

[41:27] she was doing it

[41:27] at like super speed

[41:29] or anything

[41:30] or like when Sonic

Elliott Kalan

[41:30] is running around

[41:31] in that roadhouse

[41:32] in the hit film

[41:32] Sonic the Hedgehog

[41:33] yes exactly

[41:34] so that's going on

Dan McCoy

[41:35] but

[41:36] and they make it forget

[41:37] but then

[41:37] all the chaos

[41:39] the aftermath

[41:40] of the chaos

[41:40] is still there

[41:41] the destruction

[41:42] when they like

[41:43] come out of their

[41:43] time warp thing

[41:46] and so everyone's like

[41:47] oh what the what

[41:48] and it's just like

[41:49] I appreciate the laziness

[41:51] of the fairies

[41:51] in that instance

Elliott Kalan

[41:52] that they

[41:54] they made them forget

[41:55] everything

[41:55] but didn't explain

[41:56] why this wedding

[41:57] suddenly was a disaster

[41:58] they're really half-assed

[42:00] the cleanup

[42:00] is what you're saying

[42:01] yeah

[42:01] it does ask the question

[42:03] Stuart

[42:03] yeah why

[42:04] why didn't they

[42:04] why did they bother

[42:05] to send Holly

[42:06] if they could just

[42:07] stop time

[42:08] and send in

[42:08] a team of agents

[42:09] to get this troll

Stuart Wellington

[42:10] yeah you would think

[42:10] that would be

[42:11] the whole point

[42:11] but of course

[42:12] immediately afterwards

[42:13] Holly decides

[42:14] to go rogue

[42:15] on the surface

[42:16] because she's trying

[42:17] to clear her father's name

[42:18] because of course

[42:19] in all situations

[42:20] the fish rots

[42:21] from the head

[42:22] Judy Dench

[42:23] broke protocol

[42:24] to freeze time

[42:25] so quickly

[42:25] so of course

[42:26] her subordinates

[42:27] don't really care

[42:28] about the rules either

[42:29] so I think

[42:30] there's a situation

[42:30] where we're just

[42:31] going to have to

[42:31] deal with the entire

[42:32] system

[42:33] you know what I mean

Elliott Kalan

[42:34] yeah

[42:35] yeah dismantle

[42:36] defund leprechaun

[42:37] oh man

[42:37] this segment

S3

[42:38] in Artemis Fowl

[42:39] just ripped

[42:39] straight from the headlines

[42:40] yep

Elliott Kalan

[42:42] this is also

[42:42] this is the

[42:43] this is the part

[42:44] where uh

[42:44] where Cudgeon

[42:45] goes up to

[42:46] Judy Dench

[42:46] and is like

[42:46] hey

[42:47] I'm gonna have

[42:48] your job

[42:48] and your ass

[42:49] if you don't

[42:49] get in line

[42:50] and do what I say

[42:51] wasn't he in jail

[42:52] earlier today

[42:53] like I don't understand

[42:54] how did he get

[42:55] this job so quickly

[42:56] where he's in charge

[42:57] of everything

[42:57] very strange

Stuart Wellington

[42:58] uh yeah

[43:00] it is pretty strange

[43:01] but you know

[43:01] what else is strange

[43:02] that uh

[43:03] Artie and Dom

[43:04] have set a trap

[43:04] for Holly

[43:05] outside of this tree

[43:07] uh she flies

[43:08] to this tree

[43:09] for some reason

[43:10] and then they

[43:11] shoot her with

[43:11] a tranquilizer dart

[43:12] and then the fairies

[43:14] find out about it

[43:14] because I guess

[43:15] they're tracking her

[43:16] and they're like

[43:17] okay well

[43:17] we gotta rescue

[43:18] our friend

[43:18] however

[43:19] Artemis has already

[43:21] thrown Holly

[43:22] in jail in his house

[43:23] because he can't

[43:24] leave his house

[43:24] because then

[43:25] that would defeat

[43:25] the whole movie

[43:26] um

Elliott Kalan

[43:27] that was

[43:28] this is uh

[43:29] Artemis captures

[43:30] Holly and Judy Dench

[43:31] says uh

[43:32] to uh

[43:33] two

[43:33] Cudgeon at this point

Dan McCoy

[43:34] get the four leaf

[43:35] clover out of here

Elliott Kalan

[43:35] my favorite kind

[43:36] of joke guys

[43:37] a joke in a kids movie

[43:38] that that need

[43:39] necessitates knowledge

[43:40] of a swear word

[43:41] love it

[43:42] Smurf happens

[43:42] now

[43:44] indeed

S3

[43:45] it's cringy

[43:46] for the reason

[43:47] the obvious reason

[43:48] which is

[43:48] a five year old

[43:49] is not gonna get

[43:49] that joke

[43:50] and it's even

[43:50] cringier

[43:51] because anybody

[43:51] who would get

[43:52] that joke

[43:52] would just groan

[43:53] it's cause

[43:54] it's not funny

Elliott Kalan

[43:55] it's a real

[43:56] it's a real groaner

[43:57] uh it does remind

[43:58] me yeah

[43:58] of the Smurf

[43:59] tagline

[44:00] and of course

[44:01] uh get Smurfed

[44:02] up your butt

[44:03] which I thought

[44:03] was especially

[44:04] inappropriate

[44:04] Smurf

[44:04] my Smurf

S3

[44:05] no I don't

[44:06] have children

[44:07] I always

[44:08] did feel like

[44:09] hey mom

[44:09] what does that

[44:10] mean

[44:10] and you're like

[44:11] oh alright

[44:11] it means

[44:12] suck my dick

[44:12] that's what it

[44:13] means

[44:13] now I thank you

[44:14] thank you

[44:15] thank you

[44:15] the producers

[44:16] of Sonic the

[44:16] Hedgehog

[44:17] for forcing me

[44:17] to explain

[44:18] to my five year

[44:20] now did you

Elliott Kalan

[44:24] did you mention

[44:25] I can't remember

[44:25] that they told

[44:26] Holly to

[44:27] that fairies

[44:28] can't be seen

[44:28] remain inconspicuous

[44:29] and so she just

[44:30] flies with her fairy

[44:31] wings low enough

[44:32] that people can see

[44:33] from the streets

[44:33] of Italy

[44:34] uh huh

Stuart Wellington

[44:35] yep

[44:35] well people

[44:36] don't look up

Dan McCoy

[44:37] oh that's true

[44:37] by the way

[44:38] I just want to say

[44:39] that this is

[44:40] uh around the point

[44:41] where my thin

[44:43] um

[44:44] uh grasp

[44:45] of the plot

[44:46] went to

[44:47] no grasp

[44:48] of the plot

[44:48] and

[44:49] Stuart

[44:50] explained a big

[44:51] portion of it

[44:52] uh just now

[44:53] and yet again

[44:54] my it's as if

[44:55] the the ideas

[44:57] could not find

[44:57] purchase on my brain

[44:58] they slid right off

[45:00] as Stuart said

[45:00] Dan what's going on

Elliott Kalan

[45:02] is that

[45:02] in order

[45:03] so Artemis Sr.

[45:05] to get

[45:05] has been kidnapped

[45:06] and Artemis Fowl Jr.

[45:08] has to get

[45:08] the oculus

[45:09] in order to get

[45:10] the oculus

[45:11] he has a plan

[45:12] that involves

[45:12] kidnapping a fairy

[45:13] even though the fairies

[45:15] do not have the oculus

[45:16] because it was stolen

[45:17] from them a long time ago

[45:18] and in fact

[45:18] they want it

[45:19] and in fact

[45:20] they want to get it back

[45:21] and so the fairies

[45:23] then decide to invade

[45:23] Artemis Fowl's house

[45:25] because

[45:25] that yes

[45:27] because that yes

[45:29] they want to get

[45:32] their comrade back

[45:33] they want to get

[45:33] holly back

[45:34] and the way they do this

[45:35] inconspicuously

[45:36] is by

[45:37] almost killing

[45:38] a fisherman

[45:38] and then

[45:39] attacking Ireland

Dan McCoy

[45:40] uh we've invoked

[45:42] the oculus

[45:43] several times

[45:43] I just also want to say

[45:44] that like

[45:44] it is the most

[45:45] mcguffiny mcguffin

[45:46] in that

[45:47] I still don't know

[45:48] what it was supposed

[45:49] to do

Elliott Kalan

[45:49] it's like a big magic

[45:50] metal acorn

[45:51] that does magic

[45:52] come on dude

[45:53] I mean

[45:53] how much blood

[45:54] do you need

[45:54] and all of

[45:57] Haven City relies on it

[45:58] because yes

[45:59] again

[45:59] so yes

Stuart Wellington

[46:00] yeah it's the same thing

[46:01] it's like

[46:01] in Pulp Fiction

[46:02] I want to see

[46:02] what's in the briefcase

Elliott Kalan

[46:04] yeah

[46:04] uh in uh

[46:05] Battle Angel Lita

[46:06] why don't they tell us

[46:07] more about this

[46:07] clone war she was in

[46:09] shut up

[46:09] you keep making reference

[46:10] to a thing that hasn't

[46:11] been released yet Elliot

[46:12] well we better release

[46:13] that episode Dan

[46:13] because I want people

[46:14] to know how much

[46:15] you love backstory

[46:16] uh extra backstory

[46:18] please

[46:18] uh the oculus

[46:19] is cool

[46:20] but who made it

[46:21] uh but what was

[46:22] Boba Fett like

[46:23] as a widow boy

Dan McCoy

[46:24] I literally asked

[46:25] for one sentence

[46:26] of clarification

[46:27] about a plot point

[46:28] and now this is

[46:29] Flophouse canon

[46:30] I'm part of canon

[46:32] okay

Elliott Kalan

[46:35] but uh

[46:36] tell me

[46:36] so uh

[46:37] what else happened

[46:38] when Scully

[46:38] was a widow girl

[46:39] that's when you're

[46:41] watching the X-Files

[46:42] yeah yeah

[46:42] okay

Stuart Wellington

[46:43] okay so

[46:43] Holly is in jail

[46:45] in Artemis's house

[46:46] uh she tries to use

[46:47] her uh

[46:48] her powers of mesmerism

[46:50] but Artemis and Juliet

[46:51] are wearing sunglasses

[46:53] and that blocks

[46:54] her abilities

[46:54] Holly is not having this

S3

[46:56] uh

[46:58] what kind of magic

[46:59] can be thwarted

[47:00] by sunglasses

[47:01] that's a good question

Dan McCoy

[47:02] radiation

[47:03] usually goes the

[47:04] opposite direction

[47:05] yeah

[47:06] like in they live

Elliott Kalan

[47:07] yeah usually magic

[47:08] sunglasses let you

[47:09] do special things

[47:10] but these are regular

[47:11] sunglasses that stop

[47:11] things

[47:11] now the other

[47:12] question is

[47:12] did Artemis

[47:13] build this cage

[47:14] or did his dad

[47:15] already have a fairy

[47:16] cage in his house

S3

[47:17] well also

[47:18] or is it a fairy

[47:19] day cage

Dan McCoy

[47:20] let us uh

[47:21] I I there was a

[47:22] moment too where

[47:23] like Artemis is

[47:24] like fairies are

[47:26] real and I'm like

[47:26] wait he didn't

[47:27] believe that before

[47:28] it seems like

[47:28] that's all his dad

[47:29] talked about ever

[47:30] why do you force

Elliott Kalan

[47:31] the butler to

[47:31] stand outside for

[47:32] days in camo gear

[47:34] watching the or in

[47:35] one of those what are

[47:35] they called

[47:36] ghoulies what do you

[47:37] wear when you're out

[47:38] hunting it's a ghillie

[47:38] suit

[47:39] thank you

[47:40] and a ghoulie

[47:41] when you're hiding

[47:41] in a toilet

[47:42] and you need to get

[47:44] someone in the end

[47:45] yeah

[47:45] he's why he is

[47:47] standing there with

[47:47] a sniper rifle for

[47:48] days and he's like

[47:49] oh yeah well I'm

[47:51] glad my hunch

[47:51] my hunch paid off

[47:53] that a fairy would

[47:53] show up

Stuart Wellington

[47:54] yeah that's that was

[47:55] my big complaint about

[47:56] the latest call of

[47:57] duty is that my

[47:58] sniper character

[47:58] couldn't wear a

[47:59] ghoulie suit

Elliott Kalan

[48:00] which is like little

[48:02] little suspenders right

[48:03] like little overalls

[48:04] yeah

[48:05] call of ghoulie

S3

[48:08] I like it

[48:09] yeah

[48:10] call of ghoulie

Stuart Wellington

[48:11] yeah that puts the

[48:12] duty into call of

[48:13] duty okay

[48:14] um

[48:14] so

[48:15] because it's a

[48:15] toilet

[48:16] I get it

S3

[48:16] Stuart as you're

[48:17] trying and doing a

[48:18] really good job of

[48:19] explaining all these

[48:19] randomly inserted plot

[48:21] points

[48:21] you're to a credit

[48:23] to your I'm sorry

[48:24] as a service to your

[48:25] listeners you're omitting

[48:26] all the different

[48:27] times that Josh

[48:28] Gadd interrupts

[48:29] what's happening

[48:30] he interrupts with

[48:31] any time an isolated

[48:34] sequence gets slightly

[48:35] interesting

[48:35] Josh Gadd is like

[48:37] and then Bob fell

[48:39] over and they're

[48:40] like wait why is

[48:41] Josh Gadd

[48:41] explaining just

[48:42] showing me a scene

Stuart Wellington

[48:42] yeah okay so it's

[48:45] Josh Gadd in this

[48:45] movie so of course

[48:46] it's not Josh Gadd

[48:47] it's Mulch

[48:47] Diggums and he

[48:48] does it in his

[48:48] cool voice and he's

[48:49] like humans would

[48:51] be frightened of

[48:52] fairies most humans

[48:53] are afraid of gluten

[48:54] and I'm like wow

[48:55] this is a really

[48:56] crazy world that

[48:57] we're in because

[48:57] most people make fun

[48:59] of people who don't

[48:59] like gluten

[49:00] and there's a lot

Elliott Kalan

[49:02] of like there's a

[49:03] lot like well here's

[49:04] when the kid does

[49:04] what he does best

[49:05] he comes up with a

[49:07] plan and I again

[49:08] my voice is not

[49:09] really Mulch

[49:09] Diggums voice the

[49:10] accent is all off

Dan McCoy

[49:11] but I hesitate to

[49:13] you know shatter

[49:14] Stu's remaining

[49:16] sanity by putting

[49:17] another halt to the

[49:19] plot summary

[49:19] but I have a

Elliott Kalan

[49:20] like the X-Force

[49:20] character shatter

[49:21] Stu

[49:21] yeah

[49:22] oh yeah

Stuart Wellington

[49:23] it's pretty cool

[49:24] Apollo bones and

[49:25] only three fingers

[49:26] and double swords

Dan McCoy

[49:28] I feel like this is

[49:29] maybe the place to

[49:30] bring this up I

[49:31] have no idea about

[49:32] the production

[49:33] history of this

[49:34] movie maybe others

[49:35] do but it really

[49:36] hold on but I

[49:37] just want to just

[49:38] the reason I bring

[49:38] it up is just

[49:39] I have the

Dan McCoy

[49:39] information you're

[49:39] looking for

[49:40] okay but I

[49:41] want to first say

[49:42] the reason I

[49:42] bring it up is

[49:44] like it definitely

[49:45] feels like Josh

[49:46] Gadd's narration is

[49:47] there to paper over

[49:48] stuff that got cut

[49:49] or changes that

[49:50] were made at

[49:50] some point like

[49:51] it feels like a

[49:53] movie that has had

[49:54] surgery done on

[49:55] it but I don't

[49:55] know if that's

Elliott Kalan

[49:56] true I think I

[49:57] don't know for

[49:58] sure I know that

[49:59] the movie was in

[49:59] development for a

[50:00] very long time

[50:01] it was in

[50:02] development since

[50:03] before the book

[50:03] was published

[50:04] it was purchased

[50:05] it was or the

[50:06] rights were purchased

[50:07] while it was in

[50:07] galleys and it

[50:08] took years and

[50:10] years and at

[50:10] different points

[50:11] lots of different

[50:12] people were

[50:12] attached and so I

[50:13] imagine the final

[50:14] script is either

[50:15] they threw it out

[50:16] and in a short

[50:17] amount of time

[50:17] had to rewrite a

[50:18] whole new one

[50:19] or it's like a

[50:20] mishmash of

[50:20] different elements

[50:21] that people pulled

[50:22] out of the books

[50:23] or made up or

[50:23] didn't it seems

[50:24] like even Kenneth

[50:26] Branagh was

[50:27] he was not the

[50:29] first director that

[50:30] was attached to

[50:31] it but he

[50:32] let's say they

[50:33] hired him in

[50:33] 2015 and they

[50:36] were they had

[50:38] trouble because

[50:39] Harvey Weinstein

[50:39] was a producer

[50:40] for a while and

[50:41] then he was

[50:41] removed from the

[50:42] film because he's

[50:43] trash and

[50:43] disgusting and

[50:44] criminal and

[50:46] there's just like

[50:46] I think it was

[50:47] one of those

[50:48] movies that

[50:48] probably had a

[50:51] fair share of

[50:52] behind the scenes

[50:53] mix-ups but also

[50:53] like I don't think

[50:54] anyone really cared

[50:55] that much about it

[50:57] and I could be

[50:57] wrong about it

S3

[50:58] I think it's one

[50:58] of those pot

[50:59] committed movies

[50:59] I think it's like

[51:00] a studio says

[51:01] we've already

[51:01] invested 78

[51:02] million into

[51:03] developing this

[51:04] we're going to

[51:04] spend another

[51:05] 120 just to

[51:06] make it because

[51:07] otherwise it's

[51:08] embarrassing for us

Elliott Kalan

[51:09] and there's

[51:10] there's part of

[51:11] there's part of me

[51:11] that wonders if

[51:12] Kenneth like who

[51:12] released murder

[51:14] on the Orient Express

[51:15] because it's it

[51:17] feels like one of

[51:17] those things where

[51:18] it's like or who

[51:19] produced what company

[51:20] produced it because I

[51:21] don't think that was a

[51:22] Disney film but it

[51:22] does feel like it was

[51:23] like I'll do this

[51:24] Artemis Fowl garbage

[51:25] and then you'll let me

[51:26] play Hercule Poirot on

[51:28] a train

[51:28] one for me

[51:29] one for you

[51:30] not knowing that

[51:30] that would be the

[51:31] hit of the two

S3

[51:31] that could be it or

[51:32] it could just be he

[51:33] has obviously has

[51:34] some experience with

[51:35] big budget tent

[51:36] poles like Thor and

[51:38] I guess he probably

[51:39] looked at this at one

[51:40] point and said hey if

[51:40] I'm given freedom it's

[51:41] a popular book it's an

[51:42] interesting world I

[51:44] could probably do

[51:44] something with it but

[51:46] it seems like either

[51:47] he missed made a

[51:48] misstep or 20

[51:50] different studio execs

[51:52] stepped in with

[51:52] scissors and went oh

[51:54] god we don't even

[51:55] know what to do with

[51:55] this yeah well with

Elliott Kalan

[51:57] with our murder on

[51:58] the Orient Express

[51:59] turns out it's 20th

[52:00] Century Fox so it's

[52:01] not the same studio

Dan McCoy

[52:02] yet with with our

[52:04] moderate sized audience

[52:05] out there there's a

[52:07] slim chance someone

[52:08] worked on Artemis

[52:09] Fowl if you have any

[52:10] hot gas you can send

[52:12] it to us and we

[52:13] won't release your

Stuart Wellington

[52:14] name yeah we'll do

[52:15] a mini so that's

[52:16] called the goss

[52:17] house where we talk

[52:18] about that hot

[52:18] goss

[52:18] Fowl house

Elliott Kalan

[52:19] I'll play my I'll

[52:21] play my character

[52:22] that I've everyone

[52:23] knows knows very

[52:23] well Ryan Gosling

[52:25] he's the man made

[52:25] out of gossip and

[52:26] he just loves to

[52:27] sing I'm Ryan

[52:28] Gosling and I

[52:29] love to sing about

[52:30] things that happen

[52:31] to people who

[52:32] aren't me what's

[52:33] the gossip Ryan

[52:34] Gosling here hey

[52:35] everybody what do

[52:36] you hear I rhymed

[52:37] here with here but

[52:38] they're spelled

[52:39] differently so that's

[52:40] okay Ryan Gosling

[52:41] that's my character

[52:43] everybody knows and

[52:43] loves yeah my guess

[52:45] is this was not

[52:46] like it's great

[52:48] because also I

Stuart Wellington

[52:49] remember when your

[52:50] character Ryan

[52:50] Gosling got hired to

[52:52] do promotion for

[52:53] Gosling's dark rum

[52:54] with dark and

[52:55] stormies right

Elliott Kalan

[52:56] exactly it's like

[52:58] hey what's the

[52:58] gossip that everybody

[52:59] hears I'll tell you

[53:00] what it is it's dark

[53:01] and stormies

[53:02] everybody's favorite

[53:03] drink right now

[53:04] hey what's the news

[53:05] well it's not really

[53:06] news it's gossip so I

[53:07] won't tell you who

[53:07] it's happening to except

[53:08] for one or two of the

[53:09] names maybe and I

[53:10] don't know if it's

[53:11] true or not dark

[53:12] and stormies you just

[53:14] I guess you just

[53:15] define what gossip is

[53:16] sometimes yeah

[53:17] sometimes yeah real

[53:18] so my guess is this

[53:19] was probably not a

[53:20] disaster behind the

[53:21] scenes like cats and

[53:22] was more just like

[53:23] yeah a lot of a lot of

[53:24] cooks in the kitchen

[53:25] and and in the end

[53:27] just trying to salvage

[53:27] something but I don't

[53:29] know okay so now no

[53:31] wait have we have we

[53:33] gotten to the part where

[53:33] judy dench is inside a

[53:35] landing vehicle and the

[53:36] ramp goes down and then

[53:36] she just says top of

[53:37] the morning to

[53:38] nobody love it

S3

[53:39] there are like four or

[53:41] five moments that make

[53:44] no sense in the context

[53:45] of the movie but seemed

[53:46] there because they

[53:47] needed a trailer movie

[53:47] and that's one of them

Dan McCoy

[53:49] yeah I like to think

[53:52] that there was a

[53:54] character that was

[53:54] supposed to be CGI'd

[53:55] in there for her to

[53:56] talk to they just

[53:57] forgot

[53:57] so yeah at this point

Stuart Wellington

[54:01] they the the fairies

[54:03] have frozen foul

[54:05] manner with one of

[54:06] their like flying

[54:07] time freeze devices

[54:08] which once again as

[54:10] we've stated it's such

[54:11] a powerful ability it's

[54:12] like as soon as in

[54:14] dishonored you unlock

[54:15] the ability to freeze

[54:16] time it's like the game

[54:17] isn't even fun anymore

[54:18] because you can just

[54:18] like freeze time and

[54:19] murder everybody

[54:20] okay so

[54:22] and yet they mostly

[54:23] freeze time just to

[54:23] stand around

[54:24] they do a lot yeah

[54:26] so they it's like

[54:27] they're freezing

[54:27] themselves you know

Elliott Kalan

[54:28] and every now and

[54:29] every now and then

[54:30] they'll be like the

[54:30] time bubbles unstable

[54:31] and a fairy will be

[54:32] just sucked away into

[54:33] nothingness and you're

[54:34] like what

Stuart Wellington

[54:35] yep like oh i guess

[54:36] azathoth is eating him

[54:38] um so so uh artemis

Elliott Kalan

[54:41] wait stewart is

[54:42] azathoth the one who

[54:43] dances eternally to

[54:44] the to the sound of

[54:45] mad pipers yeah yeah

Stuart Wellington

[54:47] it's the blind idiot

[54:48] god um okay thanks

[54:49] so oh my gosh we

S3

[54:51] just i just stumbled

[54:52] into a lovecraft podcast

Stuart Wellington

[54:53] uh try to stumble out

[54:56] if you can find the

[54:57] door

[54:58] it's non-euclidean

[54:59] uh so artemis and dom

[55:01] of course they're

[55:02] surrounded so what do

[55:03] they do they put on

[55:04] some cool suits and

[55:05] then beat the shit

[55:06] out of some fairies

[55:07] with their own

[55:07] weapons yeah y'all

[55:09] and in the meanwhile

S3

[55:10] that magical creatures

Stuart Wellington

[55:12] yep and they're the

[55:14] the fairies weapons

[55:14] as we've addressed

[55:15] are basically like a

[55:16] lot of blasters uh

[55:18] they end up stealing

[55:19] a uh a bow and arrow

[55:22] that shoots a laser

[55:23] uh and shoots the

[55:25] time device which

[55:26] makes the time device

[55:27] unstable so we got a

[55:29] ticking clock everybody

[55:30] it looks like the fair

[55:31] we're at kind of a

[55:32] stalemate situation

[55:33] so commander root has

[55:35] to go inside foul

[55:36] manner to negotiate

[55:37] with artemis

[55:38] dun dun dun dun dun

[55:40] do i get everything

[55:41] do i get everything

Elliott Kalan

[55:42] yeah that's pretty that's

[55:42] pretty good i mean i

S3

[55:43] think you made that

[55:44] sound dramatic

Elliott Kalan

[55:45] yeah you made you

[55:46] described it much

[55:47] better than uh much

[55:48] better than the movie

[55:49] did where it's just

[55:49] them shoot just

[55:50] firing flat blasters

[55:52] at each other

Dan McCoy

[55:52] i also believe you can

[55:54] correct me if i'm wrong

[55:55] elliot i believe that

[55:55] both elliot and i were

[55:57] leaning away from the

[55:58] microphone to burp at

[55:59] that exact moment too

[56:00] so that might have

[56:01] delayed our response

Stuart Wellington

[56:02] you know thank you

[56:03] thanks for clarifying

[56:03] i'm glad you guys are

[56:04] drinking your burping

[56:05] from all the dark and

[56:06] stormies you're drinking

[56:07] i'm smoking brought to

[56:08] you by ryan gosling

Elliott Kalan

[56:09] brought to you by

[56:09] ryan gosling uh gosling

[56:11] stint or is it rum

[56:12] yeah it's rum anyway

[56:13] so so dan and i dan

[56:15] and i have a connection

[56:16] much like elliot and

[56:17] et in the movie et where

[56:18] sometimes we do the same

[56:19] thing at a distance

[56:20] whether it's uh whether

[56:21] it's kissing someone

[56:22] because we saw a kiss on

[56:23] tv or freeing frogs

[56:25] because why not why

[56:27] should the frogs have

[56:27] to die when we could just

[56:28] look at pictures of

S3

[56:29] frogs wow that would

[56:30] be funny if when

[56:31] stewart drank an extra

[56:32] beer that's when elliot

[56:33] started singing that

[56:35] would be hilarious

[56:36] yep usually what

Elliott Kalan

[56:38] happens when i start

[56:39] singing is stewart gets

[56:40] up to get an extra

[56:41] beer uh-huh yep and

Stuart Wellington

[56:43] i i pause extra long

[56:45] when my hand rests on

[56:46] the door of the

[56:47] refrigerator and i'm

[56:48] like still singing

[56:49] here we go again

[56:50] okay yeah like maybe

[56:54] this will make the

[56:55] podcast go faster

Elliott Kalan

[56:56] now did you mention

[56:58] that uh that that uh

[57:00] that uh foul has

[57:01] demanded the aculus to

[57:02] let holly go

Stuart Wellington

[57:03] yeah so he makes his

[57:05] demands of course uh

[57:07] commander root makes her

[57:08] demands in her tough

[57:09] voice uh but it feels

[57:11] like they're at yet

[57:12] another stalemate

[57:13] although as i mentioned

[57:14] the time device is

[57:15] breaking and we uh we

[57:17] have a ticking clock

[57:18] um meanwhile uh the

[57:22] fairies have decided

[57:23] meanwhile madison's

Elliott Kalan

[57:24] learning not every

[57:25] problem can be settled

Stuart Wellington

[57:26] by committee that's

[57:27] that's exactly right

[57:28] because disney plus

[57:30] hamilton i get that

[57:31] joke now the uh

Elliott Kalan

[57:34] huzzah thank you

[57:35] disney plus the

[57:36] problem is they're

[57:37] trying to they're

[57:38] fighting over where to

[57:38] put the u.s capital it

Stuart Wellington

[57:39] isn't pretty mm-hmm

[57:41] uh you got some more

[57:42] you got some more

[57:42] history raps for me

Elliott Kalan

[57:44] no well that's when

[57:46] uh virginian insight

[57:47] dinner and invite

[57:48] uh-huh quid pro quo i

[57:50] suppose so and so

[57:51] forth oh man what a

Stuart Wellington

[57:54] laugh okay so uh this

[57:57] is when the fairies are

[57:58] going to need the best

[57:59] deep core driller on

[58:01] the planet earth so

[58:02] they can so they can

[58:04] blow up an asteroid

Dan McCoy

[58:05] i'm guessing a bit of

[58:07] an exaggeration i

[58:08] rewatched that movie

[58:09] recently because like

[58:10] it's a fucking

[58:11] pandemic and sometimes

[58:13] i need to find the

[58:14] stupidest thing to

[58:15] watch yeah and

[58:16] when uh billy bob

[58:19] thornton says get me

[58:21] the world's best deep

[58:22] core driller i'm like

[58:24] what the are there

[58:25] listings what the fuck

Elliott Kalan

[58:26] is this yeah yeah

[58:27] yeah and deep core

[58:28] magazine yeah not

S3

[58:31] what deep core magazine

[58:32] is about elliot

[58:33] it's a floral

Elliott Kalan

[58:34] elliot shouldn't have

[58:36] splurge on that

[58:37] subscription no i

[58:38] didn't even look at

[58:39] the magazine first and

S3

[58:40] you said splurge i

[58:42] thought it was like a

[58:43] porno reference

Elliott Kalan

[58:43] so uh yeah of course

[58:46] uh they decide to

[58:47] break out what if

[58:48] there was what if

[58:49] there was a soda called

[58:50] splurge and it was

[58:50] just really expensive

S3

[58:51] tastes exactly like

[58:58] coke

Elliott Kalan

[58:58] okay so uh now

[59:01] so are you gonna talk

[59:02] about how why opal

[59:03] cowboy is motivation

[59:04] i have no idea i don't

[59:06] have anything written

[59:06] down in my notes do

[59:07] you know

[59:08] does anyone know

[59:09] who knows she tells

[59:11] artemis fowl senior

[59:11] i'm mad that humans

[59:13] reduced fairies to mere

[59:14] stories to frighten kids

[59:16] i'm gonna take over the

[59:17] world and eliminate

[59:17] humanity somehow the

[59:19] aculus will help her do

[59:20] this i don't know

Dan McCoy

[59:21] uh well again this seems

[59:23] like one of those

[59:24] problems that could be

[59:25] solved also just by

[59:26] revealing that fairies

[59:28] exist rather than i

[59:29] mean like than taking

[59:29] over humanity well it

Elliott Kalan

[59:31] brings me back to the

[59:32] old there are a couple

Dan McCoy

[59:32] steps that have been

[59:33] skipped is all i'm

Elliott Kalan

[59:34] saying the old zoo

[59:35] keeper episode where

[59:36] the animals are like oh

[59:37] yeah we can talk but we

[59:38] don't like freaking people

[59:38] out and it's like well

[59:39] maybe you should talk

[59:40] because we'd probably

[59:41] eat you less if you

[59:42] did the abuse that you

Stuart Wellington

[59:44] could avoid if you just

[59:45] spoke and i mean i feel

[59:48] like attendance at zoos

[59:49] would at least temporarily

[59:50] increase right there'd be

Elliott Kalan

[59:52] a short increase and

[59:53] then and then of course

[59:54] people would get used to

[59:54] it there's plus it's

[59:55] like although i guess

[59:56] that wouldn't mean they

[59:57] make more money or

[59:58] anything right no the

[59:59] animals before they

[1:00:00] could demand a cut they

[1:00:01] could unionize possibly

[1:00:02] true yeah yeah they could

[1:00:03] actually negotiate that

[1:00:04] it would be the

S3

[1:00:04] depressing version of

[1:00:06] that story is at all

[1:00:07] pets can talk and then

[1:00:08] elliot's version is like

[1:00:09] after five years everyone's

[1:00:10] just like shut up no one

[1:00:12] cares that well that's the

Dan McCoy

[1:00:14] thing like also like they

[1:00:15] were like oh it'll freak

[1:00:16] them out like well that's

[1:00:17] the thing that people will

[1:00:18] get over with time like

[1:00:20] there's one of those

[1:00:21] people who like is just

[1:00:22] too polite to like avoid

[1:00:24] massive discomfort and

[1:00:25] can't say anything

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:26] there's a stand-up bit

[1:00:27] that uh i saw paul f

[1:00:28] thompkins do years ago

[1:00:29] where it was uh if if

[1:00:30] there was if they found a

[1:00:31] gorilla who could speak

[1:00:32] how many times would you

[1:00:33] see it on tv before you

[1:00:34] get tired of it and just

[1:00:37] him him imitating a

[1:00:38] gorilla who is being

[1:00:39] interviewed and has run

[1:00:40] out of things to say and

[1:00:41] is very important okay so

S3

[1:00:45] uh so we cut back to the

[1:00:47] more paul f thompkins that guy's

[1:00:49] hilarious yeah he's great if

[1:00:51] only he was an art of his

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:51] foul but he's not he would

[1:00:52] have been great um so we go

[1:00:55] back to the fairy prison where

[1:00:57] mulch diggums is being uh

[1:00:59] threatened by a group of

[1:01:01] goblins and he listens to

[1:01:03] foreigner uh and then he

[1:01:05] blows up the goblins and

[1:01:07] right then they break him out

[1:01:08] and release him so that he can

[1:01:10] break into foul manner and

[1:01:11] help rescue holly and uh now

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:14] how how does he break in

[1:01:15] tell us about the physics of

[1:01:17] how this works oh yeah so

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:18] this is uh so this is where

[1:01:20] he straps on some goggles he

[1:01:22] pulls out his mouth real

[1:01:23] wide uh and then he starts

[1:01:25] digging a hole using his

[1:01:27] mouth and then all of the

[1:01:29] dirt he consumes just flies

[1:01:31] out of his asshole uh okay i

Dan McCoy

[1:01:35] was wondering whether i was

[1:01:36] hallucinating that that is

[1:01:37] what is intended correct that

[1:01:39] looks like he's just shitting a

[1:01:40] question yeah if you go i

[1:01:41] mean if you go if you go

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:42] frame by frame you can see

[1:01:43] his actual butthole you can

[1:01:45] see this wouldn't work in a

S3

[1:01:47] great movie yeah i'm sorry

[1:01:48] ellie i've talked about

[1:01:49] i just said this all i just

[1:01:51] saying this bit wouldn't work

[1:01:52] in a good movie and in a bad

[1:01:54] movie your jaw hits the

[1:01:55] freaking floor here's the

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:57] thing that really got to me

[1:01:58] about is he you see his

[1:01:59] boxer shorts so he must have

[1:02:00] like a slit in the back of

[1:02:01] his underpants that allows

[1:02:02] the dirt to come out yeah

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:04] yeah so dwarves have to turn

[1:02:06] their boxer shorts around so

[1:02:07] that the slits in the back

[1:02:09] instead of the front i guess

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:10] so it's like those split

[1:02:11] pants that that little kids

[1:02:12] wear in in some asian

[1:02:13] countries that they can just

[1:02:14] poop when it's cold his

Dan McCoy

[1:02:16] colon health must be amazing

[1:02:17] though because that's a lot

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:18] of fiber that is i don't

[1:02:20] know that there's that much

[1:02:21] fiber in dirt is there i

Dan McCoy

[1:02:23] mean i well it's like

[1:02:25] sandblasting the insides

[1:02:26] of your colon yeah sounds

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:28] very healthy uh so he uh

[1:02:31] yeah that was that was the

[1:02:32] moment where i was like

[1:02:33] come on movie come on and

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:35] i was like at least in

[1:02:37] perdido street station the

[1:02:38] bug people eat paste and it

[1:02:40] squirts out the back of

[1:02:41] their head not out the back

[1:02:42] of their butt that's weird

[1:02:44] okay so uh so he digs in

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:47] and this is when uh artemis

[1:02:48] fowl releases holly from

[1:02:49] her jail cell for some

[1:02:51] reason oh no they didn't

[1:02:52] yet he's just yeah and

[1:02:53] he's they're bonding over

[1:02:54] dads i don't know yeah i

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:56] mean that's the thing

[1:02:57] like this is like like i

[1:02:59] don't know if this is a

[1:03:00] very common thing in ya

[1:03:01] literature but it it feels

[1:03:02] like every single character

[1:03:05] is their importance is in

[1:03:07] part defined by who their

[1:03:08] parents are which uh is the

[1:03:11] is so depressing to me

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:13] open your eyes stew welcome

[1:03:15] to the world we live in

S3

[1:03:15] it's one of those it's one

[1:03:16] of those things the uh the

[1:03:18] young adult books and movies

[1:03:20] are so intrinsically connected

[1:03:22] to that it's so frustrating

[1:03:23] is that prophecy is not good

[1:03:26] drama it's just i mean it's

[1:03:29] not when you say someone is

[1:03:31] the chosen one we're all

[1:03:33] sitting there going all

[1:03:34] right well he's gonna go or

[1:03:35] she's gonna go through a

[1:03:35] lot of trouble and then be

[1:03:37] named the chosen one because

[1:03:38] that's what you told me uh i'd

[1:03:40] much rather it just be like a

[1:03:41] kid trying to accomplish some

[1:03:43] things yeah and not being

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:46] defined exclusively by their

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:47] birth yeah i think it's i

[1:03:49] think it maybe it has to do

[1:03:50] with the fact that like these

[1:03:51] are books for a younger

[1:03:52] audience and they don't their

[1:03:53] life experience is mostly

[1:03:55] experience is mostly defined

[1:03:56] by like their family and

[1:03:57] school and so i think that's

[1:03:58] why there's a lot of ya where

[1:03:59] it's like it's a school for

[1:04:01] this kind of talented thing

[1:04:02] there's not a lot of why

[1:04:03] that's about like having a

[1:04:05] job

[1:04:05] so like or having children

[1:04:08] you know so ellie you're

[1:04:10] arguing you don't think

[1:04:10] singles is a young adult

[1:04:12] movie i mean as someone my

[1:04:14] age there those are now

[1:04:15] young adults unfortunately

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:16] the uh so ellie your your

[1:04:20] argument makes a lot of

[1:04:21] sense that for some reason

[1:04:22] this book or movie is not

[1:04:25] targeted to me stewart

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:27] uh i mean in a way a movie

[1:04:29] about a criminal mastermind

[1:04:31] who operates in a fantasy

[1:04:32] world with elves and goblins

[1:04:33] does feel like it's

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:34] targeted that's the thing

[1:04:35] uh okay so uh where where's

[1:04:38] my notes okay so yeah

[1:04:39] uh he's let holly loose

[1:04:42] she punches him in the face

[1:04:44] and i'm like i've been

[1:04:45] wanting to do that the whole

[1:04:45] movie but i keep breaking my

[1:04:47] television i feel so bad

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:49] not liking a child performer

[1:04:52] in a movie because he's just

[1:04:53] a kid and they told him

[1:04:54] play this part like you're a

[1:04:56] smug dick but it's it's

[1:04:58] he really is uh i just felt

[1:04:59] bad the whole movie because

[1:05:00] i was like i hate this kid

[1:05:01] oh but he's just an actor

[1:05:02] i'm not i'm not mad the i'm

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:04] not mad the actor i'm at the

[1:05:05] character i can differentiate

[1:05:07] those two things hell yeah

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:08] i can't i can't yeah uh

[1:05:11] that's why when i watch the

[1:05:12] golden girls i'm like i gotta

[1:05:13] go visit these ladies they

[1:05:14] seem like they're a lot of

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:15] fun yep and you just drive

[1:05:16] around florida looking for

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:17] their home i'll just drive

[1:05:19] around yelling out the

[1:05:19] window blanche rose

[1:05:22] sophia yeah occasionally

Dan McCoy

[1:05:24] occasionally you get a bite

[1:05:26] but it's never the right

[1:05:27] never yeah never understood

S3

[1:05:29] why they were called the

[1:05:30] golden girls and you never

[1:05:30] went outside and tan that's

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:33] a good good point they could

[1:05:35] have meant two things look

S3

[1:05:36] it's like twitter i try out a

[1:05:38] bunch of jokes some land some

[1:05:39] flop what are you gonna do

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:40] you know yeah dan's familiar

[1:05:42] with that um so

[1:05:43] oh

[1:05:44] uh so so uh sorry i just

[1:05:48] need to burn um so yeah

[1:05:50] mulch is in the house he

[1:05:51] finds uh despite it

S3

[1:05:53] it's gonna be the name of the

[1:05:54] sequel artemans mal too

[1:05:56] mulch is in the house

[1:05:57] uh so mulch's mission was to

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:02] rescue holly but he used this

[1:06:03] as an opportunity to rob from

[1:06:05] uh the foul man

[1:06:07] the foul manor

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:07] that's the other thing is we

[1:06:08] forgot to mention is dwarves in

[1:06:10] this world love they love shiny

[1:06:12] things they're always pickpocketing

[1:06:13] and con manning and that kind of

[1:06:14] stuff even a dwarfist giganticus as

[1:06:17] josh gadd calls himself which

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:18] plays into some of the troubling uh

[1:06:20] racial connotations that have long

[1:06:22] uh been associated with dwarves so

[1:06:24] uh he finds a safe you mean you

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:26] mean you mean uh you mean mythic

[1:06:27] jews yeah yeah they're kind of

[1:06:29] short and hairy and apparently love

[1:06:31] gold but it's okay because he

[1:06:32] called them dwarves they live in a

[1:06:33] mountain

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:33] uh so the he he finds the safe he

[1:06:40] opens it up uh he uses his beard

[1:06:42] and mustache to open up the safe like

[1:06:44] you expect he would and inside that

[1:06:46] safe is of course the aculus it was

[1:06:49] in the house the entire time why

[1:06:52] would he have left his house the

[1:06:53] aculus is there it's great this is

Dan McCoy

[1:06:55] the most infuriating thing because

[1:06:59] like in a movie where like he starts

[1:07:02] out in the mansion goes on a lot of

[1:07:04] adventures outside of the mansion

[1:07:06] him discovering it was back at the

[1:07:07] mansion the whole time might be like

[1:07:10] clever or ironic or something

[1:07:11] interesting about it but this is just

[1:07:13] a movie where they're like oh i guess

[1:07:15] there's no other places in the world

[1:07:16] other than this mansion huh so like

[1:07:18] they gotta hide in the mansion yeah

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:20] it's like if it's it's like if an

[1:07:22] executive got into uh mad max fury

[1:07:24] road and was like why did they drive

[1:07:26] away they're just gonna come back

[1:07:28] stay there stay there stay there the

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:30] whole time it's the here i i what was

[1:07:34] mulch's mission he was supposed to go

[1:07:37] in the house and rescue holly okay

[1:07:40] because he doesn't do that he just

[1:07:42] immediately and he immediately is

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:44] their friend and and artemis artemis

[1:07:46] knew this was gonna happen he knew

[1:07:48] that uh that when mulch got in the

[1:07:51] house he would fail his greed check

[1:07:53] uh and he would be forced to uh to

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:56] break into the safe is that the case

[1:07:59] because there's a bunch of there i

[1:08:00] guess because he says like he says

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:02] like that's all my plan and he puts on

[1:08:03] his fucking sunglasses it's all yeah he

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:06] never he never explains his plan or

[1:08:08] relates his plan he just ever to every

[1:08:10] time anything happens he goes it's all

[1:08:11] going to plan and that's how you that's

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:13] how you make people think you're a

[1:08:15] fucking genius dude yeah i was gonna

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:17] say i gotta start just doing that in my

[1:08:18] life well it's the same thing that's

[1:08:20] happened that happened i feel like for

[1:08:21] the past almost four years in politics

[1:08:24] where the government will do something

[1:08:25] totally stupid and someone will go like

[1:08:27] it's all according to plan you'll see

[1:08:29] three-dimensional chess he's playing a

[1:08:31] very complicated game and then things

[1:08:33] will get worse just you watch all now

[1:08:35] now we played into his hands oh boy

[1:08:38] speaking of fouls

[1:08:41] these clowns in congress okay so so he

[1:08:46] finds the aculus and he was he does

[1:08:48] this one he doesn't swallow it till

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:49] later right so yeah right around now is

[1:08:51] when the right around now is when we

[1:08:53] have a little bit of dissension in the

[1:08:55] fairy camp that's right the character

[1:08:57] who i just have listed as bootlicker

[1:08:59] takes control of roots army that's

[1:09:02] cudgeon pudgeon cudgeon pudgeon

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:05] yeah like like imagine imagine

[1:09:08] vanessa hudgens but her last name was

[1:09:10] cudgeon and her first name was not

[1:09:11] vanessa and she's not the best vanessa

[1:09:13] hudgens you know but in fact a sort of

[1:09:15] sort of bootlicker evil fairy okay so

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:18] uh he he kicks judy dench out uh and

[1:09:23] decides to attack the manor everybody

[1:09:24] kind of goes along with it i think they

[1:09:26] just want to see uh they just want to

[1:09:28] see a troll in action so they uh they

[1:09:31] attack the house with a troll uh there

[1:09:34] is uh what proceeds is a troll fight

[1:09:36] that gun to my head i would say just as

[1:09:38] good as the minds of moria uh right

[1:09:42] around now juliet shows up again but if

[1:09:44] the gun was not there i would not say

[1:09:46] that

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:46] i mean guns your head you'd say pretty

[1:09:48] much anything about this troll fight

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:50] yeah i mean i i need to live gun to head

[1:09:52] this is a brilliant movie

[1:09:53] yeah i mean uh so there's uh the troll

[1:09:57] fight is a lot of running around the

[1:09:59] house and things getting smashed so if

[1:10:01] you like watching furniture getting

[1:10:03] broken you're gonna see a lot of that

[1:10:05] i mean to be fair that's probably that's

Dan McCoy

[1:10:08] probably accurate to a troll fight if

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:10] one happened i mean not not to not to

[1:10:11] kink shame anybody if you are roused by

[1:10:13] watching furniture get broken get ready

[1:10:15] to explode with pleasure because so much

[1:10:18] furniture gets broken and i'm just gonna

[1:10:20] say this artemis is useless in this

[1:10:23] scene at one point he's got holly's

[1:10:25] laser in his hands and the laser sparks

[1:10:27] and he drops it and i don't know why

S3

[1:10:29] that happened yeah and then she gets

[1:10:30] stuck in the she gets stuck in the

[1:10:32] chandelier for the whole bit i'm like

[1:10:34] why you get what is that all about

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:36] she gets stuck in a very elaborate

[1:10:38] chandelier oh yeah yeah uh but this is

Dan McCoy

[1:10:41] one of the few occasions where you catch

[1:10:43] another glimpse of butler's niece too

[1:10:46] yeah she's suddenly back in the back in

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:48] the movie well mainly she shows up to

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:50] like scream and run around yeah uh but

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:54] what happens after a while after a while

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:57] they beat the troll but in the process

[1:10:59] it falls on top of dom the butler and

[1:11:02] you're like oh no he's dying so they

[1:11:04] like take him into another room and

[1:11:06] holly's like i can't use my magic

[1:11:08] because the fairies put a thing on that

[1:11:10] prevents me from using magic so i guess

[1:11:12] this dude's gonna die oh man so many

S3

[1:11:15] hastily hastily delivered rules just

[1:11:17] thought this just came up i just learned

[1:11:19] i just cast a spell that won't allow

[1:11:21] us to undo the and it just came up with

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:24] this now okay movie yeah and dom dom if

[1:11:27] i was a movie doctor i would diagnose

[1:11:28] him with uh with movie injury which is

[1:11:31] where from the outside he looks fine

[1:11:33] except that he's very sweaty and he's

[1:11:34] having a little trouble breathing there's

[1:11:36] no blood there don't appear to be any

[1:11:37] broken bones he's just had i guess that

[1:11:40] when the troll landed on him it smashed

[1:11:42] his life bar and all the life energy

[1:11:44] juice leaked out and so he's just got

[1:11:46] like lost his will to live you know how

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:48] that works if the medibot showed up

[1:11:50] that's what the medibot would tell the

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:52] jedi they gotta take away that medibot's

[1:11:53] license to practice yeah she just keeps

[1:11:55] writing lost will to live on all of her

[1:11:57] documents and it's like it was really

S3

[1:11:59] foul play scandalous expose about that

[1:12:01] medibot in 20 years like 34 000 people

[1:12:04] just lost their will to live hmm oh got

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:08] your medical license from online classes

[1:12:10] at bespin university okay sure um okay

[1:12:14] so uh around uh and then judy dench

[1:12:17] takes over again and she's like no let

[1:12:20] him use the magic and they're like okay

[1:12:21] let her use the magic so then she brings

[1:12:23] down back to life and i'm like i barely

[1:12:25] had had time to mourn him now he's back

[1:12:28] i don't know how to feel so he comes

[1:12:30] back to life what happened to bootleg uh

[1:12:32] do they what do they throw him into a

[1:12:34] phantom dimension i don't remember he just

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:36] kind of stops he just kind of stuck when

[1:12:38] she says this is my arm and he just kind

[1:12:39] of stops existing and is no longer it's

[1:12:42] like how in old he-man cartoons where

[1:12:44] he-man would defeat a foe by throwing

[1:12:45] him off camera and he was just no longer

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:48] near me that's great so uh now this is

[1:12:54] where things get a little bit murky in

[1:12:56] my notes yeah here here here is where it

[1:12:59] gets murky okay so you did great

[1:13:02] steward better than i ever expected

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:04] this is like this is like when i

[1:13:08] right now and we're like stew you're

[1:13:10] doing great you can get to the end of

[1:13:11] this i can see the head i'm not kidding

S3

[1:13:13] i'm legitimately impressed that you have

[1:13:15] this many bullet points and they're all

[1:13:17] accurate i i mine wouldn't have this

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:19] length this summary feels a lot like when

[1:13:23] i tried to drink an entire gallon of

[1:13:24] chocolate milk in an hour and i drank so

[1:13:27] much of it guys i was like there's just a

[1:13:30] little bit left and i'm like on my knees

[1:13:32] in front of some car's headlights and

[1:13:35] somebody's filming me and they're like

[1:13:36] he's gonna barf and i'm like no i'm

[1:13:38] gonna finish it but i was never able to

[1:13:40] finish it and then eventually eventually

[1:13:42] i barfed and i gotta tell you most

[1:13:44] pleasurable thing in my entire life it's

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:46] amazing that's a situation i'm sure we

[1:13:48] can all relate to yeah yeah yeah that's i

[1:13:50] mean that's why i told that story

[1:13:51] in front of a car i have a chocolate

[1:13:53] milk prank yeah i mean it's not a prank

[1:13:56] unless the prank is something i've

[1:13:57] played on myself i've got a lot of

Dan McCoy

[1:13:59] questions but i don't want to shame

[1:14:00] stewart so i think we should just move

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:02] on okay are you what the shame is that

[1:14:04] i wasn't able to finish it

Dan McCoy

[1:14:05] i just don't know no the most dan

[1:14:09] he's lived with that shame every day

[1:14:10] i had some chocolate milk right now and

S3

[1:14:13] you wasted so much yeah that's true i

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:15] did waste i mean not so much i mean i

[1:14:18] guess i barfed it out and it was still

[1:14:19] cold um okay so uh right around so the

[1:14:24] time bubble collapses okay and the

[1:14:26] fairies run for it but a lot of them get

[1:14:28] sucked up into the time vortex to where

[1:14:31] they go i don't know maybe they get

[1:14:32] maybe they're like what the the

[1:14:34] prisoner of london what's that guy who's

[1:14:36] stuck in time and keeps bouncing around

[1:14:37] okay but he can't leave the city yeah

[1:14:39] sure he can't leave the city i mean

[1:14:41] haven't we all been there um it's like

[1:14:43] dark city right it's a lot like dark

[1:14:45] city except they don't have quite the

[1:14:47] same level of cool outfits um so change

[1:14:50] so our heroes end up uh with the

[1:14:52] aculus which had been stored in mulch

[1:14:55] diggum's uh tummy and they read a poem

[1:14:58] and then the aculus opens and then

[1:15:01] somewhere in here artemis senior shows

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:04] back up okay so let me let me lay some

[1:15:07] knowledge on you about what's happening

[1:15:08] here okay the time bubble collapses

[1:15:10] everyone's flying around but everyone's

[1:15:12] fine holly has to save mulch who is

[1:15:14] also suddenly outside and flying around

[1:15:16] for some reason um artemis gets the

[1:15:19] aculus uh out of mulch's tummy we have

[1:15:22] to assume that he pooped it out i assume

[1:15:24] or that they cut him open and pulled it

[1:15:26] out but he's fine so probably they just

[1:15:28] waited for him to poop it out and holly

[1:15:31] stayed behind with all the other fairies

[1:15:32] left that she would help him and he can't

[1:15:35] so it's everyone just kind of knows that

[1:15:38] the aculus has the magic power to bring

[1:15:40] hit free his dad and bring him back to

[1:15:42] the house but humans can't use the

[1:15:44] aculus it's too powerful it would kill

[1:15:46] a human holly has to use it and she

[1:15:49] does a thing that causes a magic and the

[1:15:53] aculus opens up and spins around and

[1:15:55] there's letters flying everywhere and

[1:15:57] kind of magical glows and so forth and

[1:16:00] uh oh they also declare they uh and

[1:16:03] artemis says all artemis jr says uh if

[1:16:06] you help me get my dad back i'll trade

[1:16:07] you the aculus for my dad and you can

[1:16:09] take it back to haven city they declare

[1:16:11] themselves to be friends forever because

[1:16:12] why wouldn't they be he kidnapped her

[1:16:14] they talked for a couple minutes and he

[1:16:17] blackmailed her he's yeah and then he

[1:16:19] blackmailed her and so uh opal cowboy

[1:16:22] is like oh the time limit is up i'm

[1:16:24] gonna kill you but then holly uses the

[1:16:26] magic to do as my notes right here

[1:16:28] something question mark and and uh

[1:16:32] they're like we did it okay what

[1:16:34] happened like nothing seems to be

[1:16:35] different artemis jr runs around this

[1:16:38] amazing house looking for his dad the

[1:16:39] movie briefly becomes like uh like a

[1:16:41] house hunters where we just get to see

[1:16:43] where all these oh that's oh that's i

[1:16:45] see the kitchen comes off of the family

[1:16:46] room um but guess who's back in the

[1:16:49] basement property brothers it's our

[1:16:51] oh the pro bros are there and they're

[1:16:53] like you could knock down all these

[1:16:54] walls uh but you don't get to keep the

[1:16:56] furniture that who's there is

[1:16:58] artemis senior that's right the

[1:17:00] aculus magic worked and it brought

[1:17:02] artemis senior back and opal cowboy is

[1:17:04] so mad that she almost tells us

[1:17:06] something about why this movie

[1:17:08] happened or why this character exists

[1:17:10] or what they're doing but doesn't

[1:17:12] and uh the dad is like hey holly short

[1:17:16] your dad beachwood short was a hero

[1:17:18] when he took the aculus away from haven

[1:17:20] city now you need to take it back uh

[1:17:22] this was all part of a big plot to

[1:17:24] investigate and take down those who are

[1:17:26] supporting opal cowboy that's right

[1:17:28] guys turns out he was never really

[1:17:30] impeached it was all part of his plan to

[1:17:33] take down the deep state from the inside

[1:17:35] and stop their child trafficking ring in

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:38] the pizza parlors that's like four

[1:17:40] dimensional chess exactly it's political

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:43] so the whole time artemis senior was

[1:17:46] not a thief or maybe he was but the

[1:17:49] whole thing was a hope him getting

[1:17:50] kidnapped so that the aculus could be

[1:17:53] found in his house so that the fairies

[1:17:55] would attack his house was a ruse i

[1:17:57] guess i guess it was all the ruse to

[1:17:59] get cudgeon out in the open so that

[1:18:01] they could then stop even though he was

[1:18:03] in jail before and now they can go they

[1:18:05] have a list of names that beachwood

[1:18:07] uh short gave to artemis senior and

[1:18:09] those are all the names the people

[1:18:10] were working with opal cowboy and the

[1:18:12] names are written on a piece of paper

[1:18:13] that's cut in a kind of like uh

[1:18:15] fortune telling device way like that

[1:18:17] little that that teenage girls make

[1:18:18] where you fold it and then you got to

[1:18:20] pick numbers and you lift up a flap and

[1:18:21] it tells you what's going to happen in

[1:18:22] the future to you i think i pick seven

[1:18:24] okay and what did it say underneath it

S3

[1:18:28] said i'm gonna have a boyfriend oh

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:30] that's great yeah your boyfriend is

[1:18:32] going to take me to prom oh okay

[1:18:36] wow and so that's a deal that's a

[1:18:38] commitment and holly takes the

[1:18:40] aculus back to magic town and uh root

[1:18:43] names her the head of the

[1:18:44] investigation into the opal cowboy gang

[1:18:46] to see who else is in the in the uh

[1:18:48] haven city deep state and uh that's

[1:18:51] when artemis calls opal and is like

[1:18:53] hey we're coming after you i'm a

[1:18:56] criminal mastermind has he committed

[1:18:58] any crimes i guess he kidnapped and

[1:18:59] imprisoned holly and yeah this is his

[1:19:02] origin story crime we thought he was a

S3

[1:19:04] criminal mastermind at all this time

[1:19:06] but this is how he became one i guess so

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:10] but then also if it if holly's dad was a

[1:19:12] hero for taking the aculus out of the

[1:19:15] city and hiding it why is her job then to

[1:19:17] take it back to the city and what anyway

[1:19:20] uh but what's important is what's going

[1:19:22] to happen to mulch stew what what happens

[1:19:24] to mulch diggums uh mulch diggums let's

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:27] see well he he's in jail right and he yep

[1:19:30] yeah so human jail but the thing is they

[1:19:33] think he's the thief but i think he has a

[1:19:38] story about somebody else who's actually

[1:19:40] the thief so he starts telling a story

[1:19:42] about a very smart little boy named

[1:19:45] artemis fowl now artemis fowl was

[1:19:47] growing up and his dad wasn't there all

[1:19:49] the time but his dad was teaching him

[1:19:51] stuff about i think i think you may have

[1:19:54] laughed yourself

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:54] meanwhile madison was learning not every

[1:19:58] problem can be settled by committee uh so

[1:20:01] they uh mulch is in his is being

[1:20:03] interrogated and he's like artemis

[1:20:05] planned for all this they're like tell

[1:20:06] us where artemis fowl is and i don't

[1:20:09] even know why the british government

[1:20:10] wants to know where artemis fowl is like

[1:20:12] i don't he didn't he they're like he

[1:20:13] stole he stole the rosetta stone and

[1:20:15] he stole this other stuff and it's like

[1:20:17] really because we didn't see it at his

[1:20:18] house in his secret basement yeah but uh

[1:20:20] he goes here's what we're gonna do

[1:20:22] you're gonna leave us alone and we're

[1:20:24] gonna keep the fairies from leaking

[1:20:26] into the real world because we planned

[1:20:28] all this and then artemis fowl is jr and

[1:20:31] senior fly a helicopter over the prison

[1:20:33] and they just open up the ceiling hatch

[1:20:35] and he climbs out and he escapes and

[1:20:37] the whole gang is back together and on

[1:20:39] the case again and you're like what

Dan McCoy

[1:20:41] yeah i want to tell the listeners who

[1:20:45] may be baffled that uh listening to this

[1:20:48] podcast is actually quite like the

[1:20:50] experience of watching the movie uh

[1:20:52] except for hopefully this was pleasurable

[1:20:54] in that uh like this podcast it was

[1:20:57] mostly just a cavalcade of dumb fantasy

[1:21:00] names with then like a bunch of silly

[1:21:03] stuff thrown in that derails everything

[1:21:05] and in the end everyone kind of seems to

[1:21:07] lose interest with what's going on

[1:21:09] yep that's how i would describe this

S3

[1:21:12] movie and i i would like to apologize

[1:21:14] to uh any of your listeners uh if i have

[1:21:17] spoken over your beloved trio or

[1:21:20] jeopardize their no their their banter

[1:21:22] which is what i listen for i don't

[1:21:24] listen for those stupid guests unless

[1:21:26] it's halley hacking then i'm wow um

[1:21:28] wow but uh i sometimes talk too much

[1:21:31] and i hope i didn't uh speak over your

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:33] hosts too too frequently scott you were

[1:21:36] great you kept us on track and angry i

S3

[1:21:41] mean usually we i am legitimately

[1:21:43] impressed by stewart i mean any one of

[1:21:45] you guys did it would have been fine

[1:21:46] obviously but i am legitimately

[1:21:47] impressed

[1:21:47] that anybody can articulate anything

[1:21:55] it's a fantasy movie day couldn't do

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:57] it i mean the fact that dan couldn't

[1:21:58] sit through an hour and a half movie

[1:21:59] without getting up and doing something

Dan McCoy

[1:22:01] else at some point okay i i you know i

[1:22:03] feel like usually we save uh each of our

[1:22:06] like performance reviews till after the

[1:22:08] show

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:08] do we uh so here's the question i have

[1:22:12] for you guys before we get to final

[1:22:13] judgments let's say you had your very

[1:22:15] own aculus and you found out your dad

[1:22:16] was a super magic spy what would you do

[1:22:19] you think you're so much better than

[1:22:20] artemus fowl the boy hero who never

[1:22:21] leaves his house i don't know what an

Dan McCoy

[1:22:24] aculus is still so i don't know big

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:27] metal magic acorn what what more do you

[1:22:29] need to know but what does it do does it

[1:22:31] create wishes i had this kind of money

S3

[1:22:32] and this kind of like i wouldn't even

[1:22:34] let these people in my front door i

[1:22:36] like this would never affect me at all

[1:22:38] i'd be like some some weird some weird

[1:22:40] fairy people just knocked on my door and

[1:22:41] i didn't let him in end of movie

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:43] his he so he's an antique stealer

[1:22:47] yes that's his that's his cover story

[1:22:49] that's so he has all that money because

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:52] he steals stuff i think well it's family

[1:22:55] money they've lived there for centuries

[1:22:56] oh right yeah and so and uh he steals

[1:22:59] stuff but i don't know where i don't

[1:23:01] know how you sell the rosetta stone on

[1:23:02] the open mark on the criminal market like

[1:23:04] i don't know how you fence like literally

Dan McCoy

[1:23:06] priceless right yeah um let's uh let's

[1:23:11] do final judgments i think we all know

[1:23:13] where we're gonna go but okay i'll just

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:14] say so for the record none of us have a

[1:23:16] better idea what to do than artemis

[1:23:17] foul did okay fair i'm glad we spent all

[1:23:19] this time criticizing if we didn't have

Dan McCoy

[1:23:20] any better ideas let's tie things up by

[1:23:24] uh saying whether we thought it was a

[1:23:25] good bad movie a bad bad movie or a

[1:23:27] movie kind of liked uh i will start by

[1:23:31] saying look uh i want to make it clear

[1:23:33] first off this is all a criticism of the

[1:23:35] movie artemis foul i have no familiarity

[1:23:38] with the source material by ian uh

[1:23:40] colfer i hope that's i'm pronouncing

[1:23:42] it correctly but um i did read his book

[1:23:45] that finished the hitchhiker's uh guide to

[1:23:48] the galaxy books after douglas adams

[1:23:50] died and left everything on a sad note

[1:23:52] and uh he wrote what you're not aware

[1:23:54] of this he wrote a sixth sixth hitchhiker's

[1:23:57] book mostly harmless of course ends with a

[1:23:59] uh legendarily uh sour ending uh i don't

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:04] know about that it ends with all of the

[1:24:06] universe uh being revealed as a huge joke

Dan McCoy

[1:24:08] on us yeah well anyway douglas adams

[1:24:11] always said that he was having a bad time

[1:24:14] when he wrote that he had hopes to write a

[1:24:17] final hitchhiker's book that was a little

[1:24:19] less uh sad um and then of course he

[1:24:23] unfortunately passed away so the the people

[1:24:25] who own the estate or whatever got ian

[1:24:28] colfer to write a sixth book and it's a

[1:24:31] reasonably pleasing pastiche of douglas

[1:24:34] adams like how would you how would you

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:36] compare it to brandon sanderson's

[1:24:38] conclusion of the uh the wheel of time

Dan McCoy

[1:24:40] series dan i um don't have the uh

[1:24:44] information the data to make that kind

[1:24:46] of uh uh an evaluation how would you how

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:50] would you compare it to stewart

[1:24:51] wellington's forthcoming in the future

[1:24:53] conclusion to the game of thrones song of

Dan McCoy

[1:24:54] by some fire series yeah uh stew's

[1:24:57] obviously is uh surpasses the master

S3

[1:25:00] mm-hmm dan i would like to know how you

[1:25:03] would compare that book to the classic

[1:25:05] book i just read uh last week horse

[1:25:08] meets dog by elliot caleb thank you

Dan McCoy

[1:25:10] thank you i thought that the characters

[1:25:13] were a little thin horse meets dog i

[1:25:15] mean all i really learned about them is

[1:25:17] one of them is a horse and one of them

[1:25:18] is a dog what more do you need to know

S3

[1:25:20] i don't think we read the same book sir

Dan McCoy

[1:25:22] while i recline at the hinterlands bar in

S3

[1:25:26] brooklyn new york and watch the daily show on

[1:25:27] television sir wow drop a hot plug

[1:25:30] sponsorship

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:31] i will mention that stewart's final game of

[1:25:35] thrones book is of course called the game of

[1:25:36] ghoulies and all the characters get it in

[1:25:38] the end

[1:25:38] all the game of ghoulies do you think do you

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:43] think the fans are looking for more

[1:25:45] descriptions of food right yeah only two

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:49] kinds of food trenchers of gravy and wait

[1:25:52] you serve food at the hinterlands bar in

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:54] brooklyn yeah of course i do what's on the

[1:25:57] menu uh well lemon cakes uh cape on uh

[1:26:01] trenchers uh trenchers uh a little bit of

[1:26:06] revenge but that served cold oh snap

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:09] so dan you were gonna finish your final

Dan McCoy

[1:26:12] judgment i yeah no i quick i just quickly

[1:26:14] wanted to say look i have no familiarity

[1:26:16] with the source material which a lot of

[1:26:18] people love uh so i can only assume that

[1:26:20] this is a just a historic botch of a a good

[1:26:24] story but this movie the i think one of the

[1:26:28] main problems this movie uh despite uh like

[1:26:31] along with everything about the movie is

[1:26:33] that it thinks that we really care the

[1:26:37] most about action in fantasy action movies

[1:26:40] like that is the thing that we come to

[1:26:41] these movies for because it basically cuts

[1:26:44] everything else and kenneth branaugh

[1:26:47] directed a marvel movie one of the i

[1:26:50] would say most fine of the marvel movies

[1:26:53] uh but um those the mcu films are you know

[1:26:58] big fantasy movies essentially where the

[1:27:02] action is okay most of the time some of

[1:27:06] them have really good action sequence but

[1:27:07] mostly but they overcome that and the

[1:27:11] reason that they're so beloved is they

[1:27:13] spend a lot of time on the characters you

[1:27:16] know who these people are you're amused by

[1:27:17] them you like to see them interact with

[1:27:19] one another and this movie gives you the

[1:27:22] barest introduction to the title character

[1:27:25] other than seeing that he's a little

[1:27:27] shit and then uh throws you into a

[1:27:30] whirly gig of cgi and it has none of

[1:27:33] the charming moments that you look for

[1:27:34] in this so it was like other than movies

[1:27:36] that i find morally reprehensible this

[1:27:38] is one of my least favorite movies we

[1:27:40] ever watched the flop out the end

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:42] so a good bad movie yes i would i would

[1:27:47] call this a bad bad movie it is a

[1:27:49] movie that has a lack of for for lack of a

[1:27:52] better word a lack of magic yeah

[1:27:54] glam that is scorched earth yep so i was

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:01] gonna when i saw the early production

[1:28:03] well not early but when i saw uh photos

[1:28:05] of this movie with josh gadd dressed up

[1:28:08] like one of the members of norwegian

[1:28:10] space viking uh metal band arcturus i was

[1:28:13] like oh i'm up for this i was roundly

[1:28:16] disappointed there is no space vikings uh

[1:28:19] it is uh yeah this is not fun it's at

[1:28:23] what 87 how long is this movie 80 it's

[1:28:25] 96 minutes long that is 90 minutes too

Dan McCoy

[1:28:28] long yeah it is the longest 96 minute

[1:28:31] movie i've ever seen only because you

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:33] have no idea what's going on it's like

[1:28:35] when you when you know where you're

[1:28:36] going and you end it on a four-hour

[1:28:38] drive or you don't know where you're

[1:28:40] going on a one-hour drive the one-hour

[1:28:42] drive feels much longer because you're

[1:28:44] like okay i don't know or like there

[1:28:46] are times when i would get stuck on a

[1:28:48] subway train in new york that would

[1:28:50] stop in mid-tunnel and i'd be like

[1:28:51] okay i guess i live here now i'm never

[1:28:53] getting off this train that's what this

S3

[1:28:54] movie feels like a little bit well i am

[1:28:57] going to break the bad bad streak and

[1:28:59] say good bad only because this movie

[1:29:01] got me onto the flop house that's a

[1:29:03] lie this movie's bad bad that's sweet

[1:29:05] this movie i love fantasy i certainly

[1:29:09] have no problem with getting behind

[1:29:10] young adult movies even so-so ones

[1:29:12] you know there's lots of times you

[1:29:14] see mediocre big budget movies where

[1:29:16] you're you give it a little more

[1:29:17] charity than it deserves because you

[1:29:19] know people worked on it and it's a

[1:29:20] piece of art so maybe it's not

[1:29:21] perfect but and then you're halfway

[1:29:24] through this you're like why am i

[1:29:25] being charitable to this there doesn't

[1:29:26] deserve any charity they like it

[1:29:28] obviously the the uh the craft

[1:29:31] people the people who built the sets

[1:29:33] and the actors and the people who fed

[1:29:34] everybody and the lighters and the you

[1:29:36] know those people did their job but

[1:29:37] the powers that be did not care about

[1:29:40] this movie the end product shows that

[1:29:42] and it is a terrible terrible bad bad

[1:29:46] movie yeah

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:47] for right well bad bad

[1:29:51] now speaking of things that aren't bad

[1:29:57] bad i'm going to talk a little bit

[1:29:58] about the max fun drive oh and to do

[1:30:01] that i am going to pull up some stuff so

[1:30:04] uh before you know before the drive you

[1:30:08] know months and months ago before uh

[1:30:10] covid and etc etc uh max fun sent out an

[1:30:15] email to all of the max fun subscribers

[1:30:18] to ask a couple of questions kind of

[1:30:22] what kind of roles max fun can fill for

[1:30:24] people in times like these and they sent

[1:30:29] along a list of these responses to us and

[1:30:32] reading through these before the show i

[1:30:34] found it to be honest i found it pretty

[1:30:35] moving uh to read people's thoughts about

[1:30:38] uh what max fun provides for them in

[1:30:42] times when uh there's so much chaos

[1:30:45] uh one of the uh one of the one of the

[1:30:49] lines that kind of stuck out to me from

[1:30:51] oh man let me mess this up from katon

[1:30:54] uh from portland oregon uh said stay

[1:30:58] safe it's nice to be in the new abnormal

[1:31:01] with you together though uh and that kind

[1:31:05] of highlights the idea of how like strange

[1:31:07] and everything seems and how the universe

[1:31:11] kind of feels so uncertain at least for

[1:31:12] me i mean i run a small business but the

[1:31:15] doing the show and also listening to the

[1:31:17] shows in the network has provided me some

[1:31:20] kind of sense of stability and uh friend

[1:31:24] obviously friendship with my buddies dan

[1:31:27] elliot but also the like you know the

[1:31:29] extensive like podcast friendship do you

[1:31:32] guys you know what i'm going for guys

[1:31:34] uh the feeling of like the feeling of

[1:31:37] community by listening to uh you know other

[1:31:40] people kind of going through the same

[1:31:42] thing and also doing it on a regular with

[1:31:44] like a regular routine do you know what i

[1:31:46] mean

[1:31:46] yeah and i i also want to take a moment to

Dan McCoy

[1:31:51] acknowledge too uh that um obviously a lot

[1:31:55] of people are in bad spots right now uh and

[1:32:00] uh some of us are better suited to weather

[1:32:03] the storm than others uh i know i have it a

[1:32:07] lot better than others uh but that being

[1:32:10] said a lot of the money from uh this drive

[1:32:13] you know goes to the network in general it

[1:32:16] goes to people who podcasting may be their

[1:32:18] uh main job and podcasting like every other

[1:32:22] job is is getting hit hard by what's going

[1:32:25] on so uh while this may seem silly there you

[1:32:28] know there are people who uh depend on the

[1:32:30] funding that you're able to provide

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:32] yeah absolutely um and that's that's kind

[1:32:36] of that's kind of the whole thing we do the

[1:32:39] max fund drive to kind of spotlight that uh the

[1:32:41] shows on max fund are primarily listener

[1:32:43] supported and that's why i'm talking to

[1:32:45] you uh to consider if you are in that kind

[1:32:48] of a position um and if we uh and if you

[1:32:51] like our show and other shows on network you

[1:32:53] should consider becoming a subscriber and the

[1:32:56] way you do that is by visiting maximumfund.org

[1:32:59] backslash or forward slash join i can't tell

[1:33:03] the difference between those things um and

[1:33:05] that'll give you a list of all the different

[1:33:06] ways you can uh you can give uh most of i

[1:33:10] think the vast majority of subscribers to

[1:33:13] max fund give at either the five dollar or ten

[1:33:16] dollar per month level um and but some

[1:33:19] have you know there's options all the way up

[1:33:21] to twenty dollars a month or more um whatever

[1:33:24] you can provide obviously we're grateful for

[1:33:26] and even if you can't we understand that

[1:33:29] too um and part of the incentive and part of

[1:33:32] the bonus is that we uh there's different

[1:33:35] gifts that are available to people who donate

[1:33:37] at all levels uh whether it's bonus content

[1:33:40] which we uh have been putting out quite a bit

[1:33:43] of bonus content the last couple years when i force

[1:33:46] you guys to play role-playing games with me and i make

[1:33:49] my friend alex uh write music and do cool sound

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:53] effects for an ever-expanding universe of bonus

[1:33:57] content it seems to take more and more of our

[1:33:59] time every year yeah but you wait when we do it

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:03] you guys say uh it's just fun to get together and

[1:34:06] you like having an excuse to hang out with your

[1:34:07] friends oh yeah yeah yeah sure yeah yeah of course yeah yeah

[1:34:10] uh one gift in particular that speaks directly to my heart and soul of course

[1:34:15] is the max fun game pack uh that provides a set of max fun branded dice

[1:34:22] in a velvet bag with a rocket logo that's the max fun rocket logo so if you

[1:34:28] need to show off uh and go to your next game night you can bring that velvet bag and

[1:34:33] pull out uh you can pull out those max fun dice uh as well it also comes with a deck of custom max fun

[1:34:39] inspired playing cards so if you and the uh the street urchin that you are fostering need to hustle some

[1:34:47] rubes out on the street you can use that deck of cards uh and do some what three card mounting

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:53] um and uh mountie that's it's like three card money but with canadian mounties card mountie with canadian

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:00] dollars um and uh yeah so once again um i love the network i love being part of the network um i've made

[1:35:10] some really good friends uh doing this show and uh even the hosts that i don't know personally

[1:35:16] uh all feel kind of like friends to me um and so thank you for listening and thank you for uh donating

Dan McCoy

[1:35:23] or subscribing that was really sweet and lovely as a guest i would just interject uh as a long-time

S3

[1:35:33] film writer and film fanatic i am an avid listener of not only the flop house but also friendly fire

[1:35:39] and switchblade sisters both of which are so great are alliterative and are podcasts on this fine network

[1:35:46] and it's also where i found and enjoyed i podius i believe it's pronounced i podius

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:52] close enough close i did i actually watched every episode and then listened to each episode in succession

[1:35:58] like a nerd and had a ball ipodius was a blast that's the that's the show you're dropping our show to do

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:03] right elliot uh well i mean it's finished i mean we did it there's no i mean maybe we'll watch

[1:36:07] i claudius through again and uh do another episode but that sounds like the best idea of all time if

S3

[1:36:14] you if anybody out there wants a fun project get the old pbs series ipodius watch episode one then

[1:36:20] listen to episode one with a little marijuana in between and then do the same for episodes two three

[1:36:24] all the way to the end and then when you're done thank elliot and his co-host john hodgman thanks

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:29] thank you for thank you for that that plug for my own thing oh i had a ball i think you should do a

S3

[1:36:35] bonus episode for caligula though if i could just interject that i think i don't want to watch that again

Dan McCoy

[1:36:41] uh let's do let's do a quick uh ad or or two actually uh the flop house is sponsored in part by

[1:36:52] hello fresh get fresh pre-measured ingredients and mouth-watering seasonal recipes deliver right to

[1:36:58] your door with hello fresh america's number one meal kit there's something for everyone including

[1:37:03] low calorie vegetarian and family friendly recipes every week hello fresh is pre-proportioned

[1:37:09] ingredients mean there's less prep for you and less food rate food waste and hello fresh donated over 2.5

[1:37:17] million meals to charity in 2019 and this year is stepping up their food donations amid the coronavirus

[1:37:24] crisis uh we got um some hello fresh uh samples some ways back and i recall that i asked for the

[1:37:34] lower calorie stuff and it tasted as delicious as it as it would have had it been packed with calories

[1:37:41] well you added extra butter right i did i mean that's uh you know that's uh a true uh chef puts his own

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:48] little spin on on anything i mean not not every chef just layers the lardo onto onto every piece of

Dan McCoy

[1:37:55] they're missing out i mean come on that's how it goes uh go to hellofresh.com slash flophouse80

[1:38:02] and use code flophouse80 to get a total of 80 off including free shipping on your first box additional

[1:38:09] restrictions apply please visit hellofresh.com for more details that's hellofresh.com slash flophouse80

[1:38:18] that was a lot of words guys i gotta give you i gotta give you credit you know for somebody whose

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:24] mouth was clearly watering at those food descriptions you read that very well dan i think hello fresh

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:29] should team up with hello kitty i'm sure that's got hello fresh kitty they send only the freshest cats

[1:38:35] to your house hello fresh doesn't send you cats hello fresh sends you delicious meals that are already

[1:38:41] measured out because you know the worst part of cooking the measuring i hate it all right moving on to a

Dan McCoy

[1:38:47] quick word from squarespace uh use squarespace to create a beautiful website you can turn your cool

[1:38:54] idea into a new site where you blog or publish content sell products and services of all kinds

[1:39:00] and or more the ever-present more squarespace does this by giving you beautiful customizable templates

[1:39:08] created by world-class designers with everything optimized for mobile right out of the box a new way to

[1:39:14] buy domains and choose from over 200 extensions free and secure hosting wow wow everyone wow head to

[1:39:25] squarespace.com slash flop for a free trial and when you're ready to launch use the offer code flop

[1:39:32] to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain hey dan that sounds great i actually had an idea

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:39] for a website and i was wondering if squarespace might be able to help well just keep the idea short

Dan McCoy

[1:39:44] since we did a lot of max fun stuff too okay i just that watching this movie it made me think about

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:49] like what happens if you're tunneling through the dirt chomping it down it comes flying out of your butt

[1:39:54] and you accidentally get some minerals in there that are a little bit harder to pass through and that's

[1:40:00] why rocktologist.com is your place on the internet for telehealth examinations that's right we can do it

[1:40:05] remotely to help you diagnose what kind of rock is stuck in your rectum or rocked them as we call it

[1:40:11] and how to get that guy out of there because okay what's most important to us is your bowel health

Dan McCoy

[1:40:15] over at rocktologist.com for for a moment i thought the service was just going to identify the type of

[1:40:21] rock and like it seems like there's that would only be one step in a two-step process i mean that is the

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:26] first most important step because there's you want to you want to treat different rocks differently i i just

Dan McCoy

[1:40:31] i just agree with you all i think the second step is the most important step it's hard to get to the second

[1:40:37] step without the first step all right well uh stewart i think you have a jumbotron and then we can move on

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:42] oh we don't want to talk about uh rock stuck in people's asses anymore

Dan McCoy

[1:40:45] i mean we can rocktologist.com is here for you cool okay i do have a

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:50] j-j-j-j-j-j-jumbotron

[1:40:52] okay and it goes like this you said that as if we interrupted you but we didn't come on you're rolling

[1:41:01] and it goes like this the blue room is a short film about a bored security guard who spends his

[1:41:09] days wandering the halls of a mysterious research facility his only company is a sarcastic scientist

[1:41:15] who claims he can do magic equal parts lynch and lovecraft the blue room combines the history of

[1:41:24] 19th century stage magic with creeping cosmic dread it's a puzzle box with something terrifying inside

[1:41:32] open it won't you so visit blueromhorrorfilm.com to watch the movie for free

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:42] won't you can't beat that price i might sounds fun to me uh hey yes let's do letters

[1:41:52] oh yeah let's do it letter time letter time hey it's time for letters okay let's do it

Dan McCoy

[1:41:56] letters from whom perfect um this is from this is from the listeners listeners who write us letters

[1:42:02] letters like you from listeners like them that makes sense now i know i mentioned i said letters

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:07] like you maybe you're not a letter maybe you're a person who writes letters but sometimes letters

[1:42:11] listen to and they write letters too it's how letters have babies they write letters i meant i'm gonna

[1:42:16] need more information well you see when a letter wants to start a family they don't have to do with

[1:42:21] the human way or the animal way or even the amoeba way where they split in two instead they write a

[1:42:26] new letter for you it says dear you here's my letter to you it's my baby take care of it please

[1:42:30] love a letter p.s please please please please this letter is all that i have in the world to leave

[1:42:40] behind and let the future know that i was here treat it well maybe laminate it thank you okay i guess it

Dan McCoy

[1:42:48] was a bit it was my fault for mentally praising elliot for keeping it short the first time around

[1:42:53] that's a mistake he can hear my thoughts we have that et connection anyway willie last name withheld

[1:42:59] lamin right dearest flappers recently your episode with felicia day featured a quip from the aforementioned

[1:43:06] guest host about a movie being big in topeka as a group you questioned whether or not it was large in

[1:43:12] east or west topeka you also wondered if one side of topeka was better than the other side i never lived

[1:43:20] in topeka but i was in but i was an editor for the topeka capital journal for six months before they laid off half

[1:43:28] of their staff i can i can assure you that there is a no good side of topeka the west side is a very

[1:43:35] large walmart next to a very large sam's club next to i'm assuming a now closed chuck e cheese and the

[1:43:41] east side is the kansas state capital and a lot of crime topeka has this weird setup where all the rich

[1:43:47] people live outside of topeka so they don't have to pay city taxes which makes topeka a terrible place

[1:43:54] to live if you find yourself in topeka i recommend the following activities one spangles is a terrible

[1:44:03] local fast food chain that features 50 nostalgia steam and horribly bad food it does however have a

[1:44:09] liquor license and sells margaritas and screwdrivers for like a dollar it's a nice price two nothing else

[1:44:16] nothing else just keep driving until you get to lawrence or kansas city or manhattan on the other

[1:44:21] end in conclusion don't bother investing in iran mcdow now the guide to topeka it will just tell you

[1:44:27] to do boring things like go to the cover's mansion or visit some museum i'm assuming they have dan

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:33] keep on flopping the free roll will you have i feel like this letter is is is a little uninformed dan uh

[1:44:41] dan before you get to the post script of the letter uh it might answer my question but i want to ask it

[1:44:47] is topeka named after that really lumpy uh pudding that people eat tapioca you mean wait what did i say

Dan McCoy

[1:44:54] gar garmin zola close enough i said topeka right yeah yeah now my it didn't answer my question which

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:02] is whether it's worth stopping at that topeka bodega i've heard so much about in my acting classes

Dan McCoy

[1:45:06] but wait it's called topeka right yeah tapioca is what you're thinking of

Stuart Wellington

[1:45:12] i said that's what i what did i say it's the capital of my fridge

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:17] yeah sorry for the town is called tapioca oh boy oh boy

[1:45:27] i will mention i've always wanted to go to lawrence kansas uh one of my good friends from college john

[1:45:33] ott was from there and he always made it sound really nice you know what's one city that i'm from

S3

[1:45:37] and you guys have been to and i've seen you here philly represent what philly in the house i don't

[1:45:44] remember i i can't remember uh what i can't remember what show it was but i sat in front of one of your

[1:45:50] significant others and i believe it was stewart's oh yeah if she was uh asleep during the show it was

Stuart Wellington

[1:45:55] probably my wife uh okay wait so i got a question did they did they make the pudding there yes that's

[1:46:02] why it's named tapioca that's why it's named i think we've got this is a common mistake that no

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:09] one has ever made before stew it's actually two different words and look uh don't get mad at me

Dan McCoy

[1:46:15] topeka i i don't i as far as i know you're lovely i just halfway through this letter i couldn't stop

[1:46:21] laughing at the idea of how mad people in topeka were and i apologize for laughing at your pain

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:25] yeah no no dan is look dan's the social media platform he's not a guardian he believes all

[1:46:30] free speech which should be free he can't you can't censor these things just because they may be

[1:46:34] slanderous look dan's not here to be a gatekeeper uh just because there might be inaccurate information

Dan McCoy

[1:46:43] i love you topika uh this is from wait wait strange way of showing it it's tapioca

[1:46:52] this one's from wade last name withheld wade will see deadpool yeah hey floppers long time listener

[1:47:00] first time mail a question that doesn't sucker i hope occasionally a movie rather than having an

[1:47:06] exceptionally memorable cast story characters or any other prominent feature is remembered for having

[1:47:13] an especially original or outrageous central conceit the bad the bad example of this would be a movie

[1:47:20] like who wrote this what the bad example of this well wade did wow see i insulted uh like sort of an

Elliott Kalan

[1:47:31] abstract idea of a city now you're insulting wade let me let me just say it's not an abstract idea

[1:47:37] it's a city it's a physical city that people live in i'm sorry wade the city and the people who live

[1:47:43] there it's not like there's some platonic concept of topeka that you went after i think that we brought

Dan McCoy

[1:47:50] attention to the shadiness of people who who live in topeka not paying the city taxes the wealthy

[1:47:56] fleeing from topeka oh yeah we're muckrakers yeah we finally broke that story i think

S3

[1:48:01] i'm going to be splashed with this anti-topica mud for the rest of my life and i don't appreciate it

Stuart Wellington

[1:48:06] frankly uh okay so so guys i hate to interrupt but it looks like when i googled tapioca kansas

[1:48:15] the first result is top 10 best tapioca in wichita kansas

[1:48:22] so i don't think that's the name of the town guys

[1:48:26] fair enough i don't want to i don't want to click on it i think it'll mess up my algorithm

S3

[1:48:34] oh god okay uh that's how that's me with amazon prime like do i want to watch this romantic comedy

[1:48:41] no now it's going to offer me 45 romantic comedy

[1:48:44] sure

Dan McCoy

[1:48:45] i think you should i mean mix it up yeah come on sorry poor wade was excited about getting his

[1:48:54] question answered so dan and so finish okay so power through it dan okay uh it's about uh

[1:49:00] exceptionally memorable central conceits the bad example of this would be a movie like wanted

[1:49:05] which basically no one remembers anything about at this point other than it's the movie where people

[1:49:09] can bend bullets my favorite example of this would be a movie like dread where the movie invents the

[1:49:15] conceit of a drug that makes everything into super slow motion and feasts upon it sumptuously

[1:49:21] at every available turn can you think of some other movies beneficial or baneful that you recall having a central or tangential conceit that you consider

[1:49:32] particularly memorable keep flopping on wade now which one of you is going to make the joke about

S3

[1:49:37] the most baneful movie being the dark knight rises anyone i was going to say seven because seven has a great concept and that's good i mean like

[1:49:46] i think that's kind of what the question was asking like what whether the movie is good or not and i think seven is a masterpiece but the concept of a killer

[1:49:55] you know tracking uh killing his victims through the seven deadly sins is a fascinating and compelling concept plus it's always raining i love that

Elliott Kalan

[1:50:04] yeah yep i don't know if you guys have seen this movie called alien but it posits a universe where there's an alien that puts its egg inside your body and then it explodes out of your chest

[1:50:14] and that's a pretty great concept

Dan McCoy

[1:50:16] yeah you gotta i mean like it's sort of hard to say like what's a conceit like where the

[1:50:22] where the lines around like that is but uh the purge anything that makes a writer say damn i wish i thought of that

S3

[1:50:29] the purge what's the hook crime is legal for one day and every writer in the world go damn i wish i thought of that

[1:50:36] yeah

Elliott Kalan

[1:50:37] yeah that's that's a good example of one where like where the movie does not live up to the conceit

Stuart Wellington

[1:50:42] too yeah right yeah well certainly certainly the first one yeah yeah i was gonna give one like that

Dan McCoy

[1:50:47] off the top uh just looking over flop house movies you got something like i think it's upside down where

[1:50:54] you have those two planets yeah right next to one another and it's like visually quite uh a nice looking

[1:51:00] movie in some ways because of that but it's not a it's not a story there's no but like that's that

[1:51:06] conceit is pretty interesting and then i don't know i was trying to like this is just off kind of the top

[1:51:11] of my head but uh one that came to me was brick where you know you were like okay what if like a

[1:51:17] hard-boiled detective story with like the elevated language even of such a story in a high school and

[1:51:24] then something like it follows where it's you know like okay what if uh a death uh curse of some kind

[1:51:32] could be passed uh like a venereal disease basically um and those are the two that i sort of thought of

Stuart Wellington

[1:51:40] i'd say uh i think the first one that popped into my head was uh and i don't know if i would say this is a

[1:51:46] central conceit but it's something i liked in a movie and that's uh in the movie elysium the uh the

[1:51:53] neil blomkamp movie i love that uh i love that like matt damon and all those guys get the like

[1:51:59] things to like anchor a like a robo exoskeleton to their body and they can walk around and be extra

[1:52:03] tough i think that's great the rest of the movie's not very good but i like that part i'd like to see

S3

[1:52:09] that in a better movie what was that one with jude law where a repo man there was one that had a

[1:52:16] pretty cool concept and not so great of a follow-through i certainly remember it not being

Stuart Wellington

[1:52:19] a great follow-through although i don't remember anything about the movie at all is that the one

[1:52:24] where you get like designer organs and then jude law comes and cuts them out yeah and then if you

Elliott Kalan

[1:52:28] don't pay yeah if you don't pay for them they'll come that's like uh did you guys mention in time

[1:52:32] already oh yeah yeah it's like you get a certain amount of time and you can transfer time as a

[1:52:37] currency and you can stay young forever and that's another one where it's like oh okay there's

[1:52:42] something kind of there's that that's an interesting way to like visualize in a

[1:52:45] in a concrete way income inequality and wealth inequality but then it just kind of turns into

[1:52:50] what like a like a robbery movie yeah or like you know what i thought had a really good concept that

S3

[1:52:56] movie uh the adventures of tan tan tan tan yeah what about it

[1:53:01] i think that was fresh in my head because some one of you gents reposted the uh animated uh version

[1:53:09] of that wonderful diatribe oh okay and the i love those animations of not just your show but when

[1:53:16] any shows that are yeah i love those i feel like that's who are who is the guy who does those uh who

Dan McCoy

[1:53:23] does those uh tony oker i i mean that's his uh nam do artist i believe i don't know if it's his real

[1:53:30] name but uh he's he's great he's been the unofficial and now sort of the official uh flop house animator

[1:53:36] for a long time and this is i guess a good plug to go check out our youtube channel where all those

[1:53:41] things live in addition to the live show we did uh for charity but anyway moving on to the next

[1:53:49] segment of the show which is recommendations stewart just put his hands back on with a big grin

[1:53:56] because he's thirsting to give a recommendation oh man i cannot watch instead of this um but i will go

[1:54:04] first because i'm already talking and this movie that i am going to recommend glad you tease both

S3

[1:54:10] the audience and sue this movie yo i'll tell you if this podcast was a movie i would say that's a great

Dan McCoy

[1:54:16] line i will go first because i'm already uh don't want to stop the momentum uh so i watched a movie

[1:54:24] called lucky grandma uh i saw it it's available from alma on demand but i assume it's available

[1:54:29] elsewhere as well i mean it's a great title lucky grandma it is about a um an elderly uh chinese

[1:54:38] woman in uh chinatown who uh her her husband has passed away uh she has uh children but she's living

[1:54:46] alone rather than uh going to live with them and she gets news that uh from a fortune teller that

[1:54:54] she's going to be very lucky and she goes to the casino wins a bunch of money things don't turn out

[1:55:00] so well eventually she winds up taking some money that gets her in with some bad people and uh it's sort

[1:55:08] of like it's got some flavors of like maybe a coheny uh crime uh movie like a crime comedy but it's also

[1:55:18] very distinctly chinese and also like uh audrey is not uh chinese she is filipino but she did confirm

[1:55:28] for me that this movie plays very much on sort of a type of like a uh a tough older asian woman uh fiercely

[1:55:40] uh independent and i know that like from getting to know her family i appreciated a lot more about this

[1:55:48] movie than i think i would have otherwise which uh led me to read um you know reviews from uh chinese

[1:55:56] uh americans who also like confirm for me that there's like a lot in this movie that is

[1:56:01] very like culturally specific as well that uh you may or may not catch up uh catch on to but it makes

[1:56:08] it kind of a more special occurrence to see this uh type of story um and it was it was just like a lot

[1:56:16] of fun that sounds good yeah uh stewart oh scott yeah scott yeah i'll get mine out i'll do mine real

S3

[1:56:26] quick i i'm a huge horror fan as as i know a lot of people are and i watch a lot of stuff on uh shutter

[1:56:32] and amazon prime lately i've been on a korean kick and i watched a period piece monster movie on shutter

[1:56:39] called monstrum from south korea and it is set in 1527 and it is basically uh a lot like the host

[1:56:46] bang joon-ho's masterpiece uh combined with a uh a 14th century um uh political uh backstabbings and

[1:56:55] dealings and it's got it's got action it's funny it's got a great monster and carnage galore monstrum

Stuart Wellington

[1:57:02] that sounds good that sounds good i gotta check that out yep you'll like it i am going to recommend a

[1:57:07] movie that has recently been added to the netflix streaming platform uh i do tell me more of this

[1:57:16] platform you drag the movie over into your player and then you hit play and it shows up in your

[1:57:22] eyeballs um your mail so i'm gonna recommend a movie called old guard uh yeah it's great it's a great

S3

[1:57:30] action movie i'm so glad one of you guys picked it because i didn't want to pick the most obvious

Stuart Wellington

[1:57:34] yeah i uh now i do have to get out of the way that my buddy alejandro who is a friend of the show

[1:57:40] uh is the editor on the uh for the comic he's the editor for the uh for greg rucka the writer of the

[1:57:47] comic and writer of the screenplay um so i'm a little bit biased uh but i'm also a fan of the comic i

[1:57:53] think it's great and i feel like this uh this adaptation really captures the spirit of the comic

[1:57:59] it captures the spirit of the characters it uh it respects it and at the same time it is a badass

[1:58:06] super fun action movie charlize is great she is uh one of the defining action stars currently uh

[1:58:14] working today and uh yeah it's a blast it's probably like the the best like action movie i have seen like

[1:58:22] netflix original action movie i've seen but i could be wrong but it's a lot of fun check it out

[1:58:27] the old guard or just old guard uh yeah uh and i will finish out the recommendations i wanted to

Elliott Kalan

[1:58:35] recommend an independent film from 1996 uh it's currently i saw it on the canopy uh streaming

[1:58:41] platform which you may have access to through your local public library uh and it's called the

[1:58:46] watermelon woman and it was written directed and stars cheryl either dunye or dunny or i could not

[1:58:52] find a uh how to pronounce her name online i found several different ways to do it

[1:58:57] but anyway she plays a woman who works at a video store she is black she's also a lesbian and she

[1:59:03] becomes obsessed with a background actress or a supporting actress in movies from the 1930s and

[1:59:09] 40s who is credited as the watermelon woman in her movies she wants to find out who was this woman

[1:59:14] what was her name what is her history and in doing so uh kind of learns more about the community around

[1:59:23] her learns more about people in the past who are dealing with some of the same issues of being

[1:59:28] being gay and being black then that she is now and at the same time she is kind of starting to date

[1:59:33] and maybe fall in love with a white woman that she has met and their relationship has to deal with the

[1:59:40] friction that comes with them coming from two different places and having two different ways of

[1:59:44] thinking about things but it's like there's some really funny parts and i found that it was like

[1:59:49] of all the movies i've ever seen that show fake archival photos and archival footage this by far

[1:59:56] does the best job of creating kind of fake photos and fake footage and things like that that looks

[2:00:02] like it was actually from the time it's supposed to look and it's a very indie movie there are times

[2:00:07] when you're watching it when you're like oh yeah this is what independent movies from the 1990s

[2:00:10] looked like you know it doesn't look like a slick glossy movie i'll warn you or entice you with the fact

[2:00:16] that there is a surprisingly graphic sex scene during the movie that i was not ready for and i was like

[2:00:22] this is much more intense than i expected you're like get out of the room mom

[2:00:26] i did when i started watching this independent film about someone investigating 1930s bit players i didn't

[2:00:34] think this was gonna be this inappropriate for you but uh but by the end of the movie which is done in

[2:00:40] kind of like a half fake documentary half just straightforward style i found like the threads

[2:00:46] of it had just come together in this really fantastic way and it was exciting to see a movie

[2:00:51] from 25 years ago that felt very uh oh exciting and depressing i see a movie from 25 years ago that

[2:00:59] felt still very relevant to what's going on today but uh there's and there's one scene in particular

[2:01:04] that deals with uh disorganized archives that i thought was hilarious so anyway if you like archive

[2:01:09] humor then the watermelon woman is the movie for you

Dan McCoy

[2:01:12] all right i guess that is that for our regularly scheduled segments but elliot i believe that you

[2:01:22] would like to say a few final words about the max fun drive i would love to you're going to be hearing a

Elliott Kalan

[2:01:29] little bit more than max fun drive in future episodes uh we won't be done with it for a little

[2:01:33] bit so i won't take too much of your time i will just say ahead of time i want to thank everybody

[2:01:37] who has become a max fun member in the past and supported this podcast i want to thank everybody

[2:01:42] who is thinking about it or going to everybody who's planning to upgrade their membership it really

[2:01:47] means a lot to us uh because it means that you are literally supporting us this is the reason that

[2:01:51] we can keep making the time and putting the investment of energy and money and things like that into this

[2:01:58] show to make it what it is your support really means a lot to us the fact that we've been doing this show

[2:02:03] for a long time for over almost a decade and a half and the show is a bunch of nonsense when you get

[2:02:10] down to it yeah but that it means something to us it means something to the people who listen to it

[2:02:14] and it means something to you because you're willing to support it and give us you know the the space

[2:02:22] and the the means to really make it happen uh we make most of our money off of pledges it's the vast

[2:02:28] majority and this year even more so because we aren't touring for obvious reasons we're not selling

[2:02:32] merchandise on our tours because we're not touring see the previous sentence and so uh your pledge

[2:02:37] dollars mean even more to us if you were attaching love to the money then that love is even greater

[2:02:42] this time and as said earlier we know this is a hard time for a lot of people it's obviously a hard

[2:02:47] time there's a lot of great uh things and um what's the word i'm looking at causes thank you causes

[2:02:54] there's a lot of great causes that i know are also clamoring for your money we are not asking for you

[2:03:00] to choose between saving the world and paying us we are saying just pay us the world will take care of

[2:03:05] oh wow wow wow that did not go the way you're sending uh that was gonna go he jokerfied it

[2:03:11] also also obviously look into your hearts look into your pockets and see what you are comfortable

[2:03:16] with but we really appreciate it if you're not able to this time we hope you consider it next time

[2:03:20] uh but you'll hear more from us and we just want to say thank you very much for making this something

[2:03:24] that we can continue to do for as long as we can and again that's maximumfund.org join uh whether you

[2:03:31] are joining or upgrading your membership or just curious about the possibilities uh if you're not

[2:03:37] doing that then the least you can do is help us spread the word about the flop house huh tweet about

[2:03:41] us instagram about us tick tock about us facebook about us we talked about uh we talked about uh youtube

Stuart Wellington

[2:03:47] a little bit ago uh we have a semi-active youtube channel where we have our recent uh virtual live show

[2:03:53] as well as a collection of uh wonderful animated videos uh put together by tony ocher we have our first

Elliott Kalan

[2:04:00] ever actual promo that uh tony animated for us and it's like an actual real like thing you can show

[2:04:07] people and be like this is what the flop house is and it only took us 13 years to get to the point

[2:04:12] where we were like oh yeah we should do that uh so we would like to say thank you for helping us spread

[2:04:16] the word thanks for considering supporting us thank you to our editor jordan cowling for taking our uh

[2:04:22] usual uh ramblings and shortening them to only slightly longer than humans can tolerate yeah and

Stuart Wellington

[2:04:29] i want to say triple thanks to uh our guest scott weinberg it was so much fun day thank you guys so

S3

[2:04:36] much i again i have been a fan of the show i listen to a lot of podcasts as elliot mentioned i do have

[2:04:42] my own show with my friend steven de janeiro called science versus fiction uh where we are film lovers

[2:04:48] uh and steven is an astrophysicist and we thought there's got to be a way to talk about real science and

[2:04:53] movies without being pedantic and obnoxious so we're trying to do that and be fun um and but what i was

[2:04:59] saying was i've been a big podcast listener for a long time and i think what i like most about your show

[2:05:06] is that it can be critical but it's never mean i don't like mean uh even if a movie is bad like artemis

[2:05:12] foul most of the people involved in that movie tried to do good work and a lot of them did we just don't see

[2:05:18] it because the final product ain't so hot uh and i really respect that you guys are funny and

[2:05:23] irreverent but you're never kicking down on filmmakers and i as a film critic and a filmmaker

[2:05:29] i truly respect that and uh so it just means a lot to me to to be on the show for once i really enjoyed

Stuart Wellington

[2:05:34] it thank you very much yeah thanks scott and i want to say that uh one of the things that i really like

[2:05:39] about your show is that it's clear that you guys are uh in addition to being knowledgeable about film

[2:05:45] and science you are also huge uh fans that you clearly love the medium you're talking about

Elliott Kalan

[2:05:51] and that comes through and you love it and that when you guys don't agree on something you still

[2:05:57] there's a respect there that means that you don't rip each other apart for disagreeing unlike this show

[2:06:02] i was gonna say we are mean but just to dan dan's the only one that we're mean to uh yeah yeah and i

S3

[2:06:08] also have an older show that is now deceased but it's still up and people seem to like it called 80s all

[2:06:12] over where my friend drew mcweeney and i covered the first half of the 1980s and it was a very

[2:06:17] maniacally busy crazy hectic show that it will not be coming back but i really do hope that people

[2:06:23] love the episodes that we did uh and um i just uh i have two more podcasts coming out in the next year

[2:06:30] uh and i just want to i just want to thank all the other podcasters out there all the creators

[2:06:35] on max fun and otherwise who uh inspire me to do good work well right back at you guys right back at

Stuart Wellington

[2:06:42] you oh yeah and we did it yeah yeah we did a ton to pat ourselves on the back uh it's gonna have to

[2:06:47] be distance so dan can you pat yourself on the back like i would pat you on the back uh how would you

Elliott Kalan

[2:06:52] do it i want to just more of a rub less of a pat more of a rub right are you what are you wearing

Dan McCoy

[2:06:56] on your wrist i put some weights on my wrist because uh

[2:07:02] we're in quarantine guys i i don't i want to i want to have some exercise but i want to do it in the

Stuart Wellington

[2:07:07] laziest possible way yeah no i get it that's awesome yeah i'm glad that happened okay cool

Dan McCoy

[2:07:12] so what are we doing now are we gonna say good night for the flop house i've been dan mccoy i'm

Elliott Kalan

[2:07:17] steward wellington i'm elliot kalen and thank you to i'm scott weinberg thanks guys bye bye

[2:07:29] nice second one want to do it again let's do it again on this episode we discuss artemis fowl

[2:07:38] the movie that dares to raise the question what the fuck is going on in this movie

[2:07:45] coming in hot

[2:07:47] and very hot hot

[2:07:48] maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported

Ep. #317 - Artemis Fowl, w/ Scott Weinberg

Chapters

Transcript

In this episode

Description