FH Mini 12 - Flop House: The Movie!

Dan McCoy

[0:00] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse Mini for the week.

[0:09] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:10] I'm Stuart Wellington for the week.

Elliott Kalan

[0:12] I'm Ellie Kaelin.

[0:13] I love that coy way you announced it, Dan.

[0:16] Like, oh, we might be some naughty boys on this one.

Stuart Wellington

[0:19] Yeah, we got a little taste of Dirty D McSee right there.

Dan McCoy

[0:23] Yeah, I mean, the thing is, like, I don't think we've codified the way we get into these

[0:27] minis the same way we have for our regular episodes, so I'm just trying some shit out,

[0:33] you know?

Elliott Kalan

[0:33] No, yeah, I like it better than the previous standard, which was us reminding you to introduce

[0:38] us.

Stuart Wellington

[0:38] Yeah, it's always a messy, messy entrance, but you know what?

[0:43] I'm a fiend for the drama, so whatever.

Dan McCoy

[0:46] Yeah, well, so to explain to anyone who had the misfortune of coming in on this episode,

[0:52] normally we are a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[0:56] That is every other week.

[0:57] We have taken to doing slightly shorter, not so much recently, slightly shorter episodes

[1:04] in off weeks about whatever strikes our fancy.

[1:07] But before we get into this minisode, Elliot, I think you wanted to say something off the

[1:14] top.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15] Yes.

[1:16] I want to say minisode is a combination of two words, mini from miniature and sode from

[1:22] soda.

[1:25] Oh, yep.

[1:26] It's like one of those tiny bottles of soda that you get on a plane.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29] It's a portmanteau of mini and soda.

[1:31] It's where you bite the little wax top off of the little bottle and then you suck the delicious

[1:36] soda out of the soda bottle, right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:37] Exactly.

[1:38] And that's exactly what I wanted to say.

[1:40] Also, in addition to that, I wanted to mention that, hey, we're currently in the midst of

[1:44] a kind of cool, casual, low intensity, extra long MaxFun pledge drive.

[1:51] That's right, everybody.

[1:51] We're just kicking back, taking it easy and asking you to take a moment to support the podcasts

[1:57] and podcast network that you love.

[1:59] We are always grateful for our members.

[2:03] MaxFun members are literally the people who give us the ability to keep the show going,

[2:09] who make it worthwhile in terms of time, in terms of effort, in terms of energy, and help

[2:15] keep the lights on.

[2:16] Even though right before we started recording, one of Dan's lights went off disastrously.

Stuart Wellington

[2:21] Oh my God, I can't believe you brought that up on the show.

[2:24] I tell you, guys.

[2:25] It's so embarrassing.

[2:26] God, he looks like such an idiot.

[2:27] No secret cast in this one.

Elliott Kalan

[2:29] What a moron with his lights that don't work.

[2:32] They don't stay on.

[2:33] Anyway, this is all about helping us make this show, but because, I shouldn't have said but

[2:40] yet, because MaxFun is audience supported.

[2:42] Most of our money that we make from the show, the vast majority of it, comes from you, the

[2:47] members.

[2:48] And that means that we're not beholden to some big corporation that tells us what we can

[2:53] and can't talk about.

[2:55] No, we get to do the shows that we want to do, and it's all thanks to you.

[2:58] So we really appreciate it.

[2:59] We know that this is a difficult time.

[3:02] It is for all of us.

[3:03] And that means that it might not be the easiest time to make a contribution to join or to raise

[3:10] your membership level.

[3:11] But if you can, we'd really appreciate it because it really helps us out and keeps the wolf away

[3:17] from our door.

[3:18] Oh, man.

Stuart Wellington

[3:20] The wolf is getting closer.

Elliott Kalan

[3:21] Oh, no.

[3:23] Anyway, we had to pay a lot for that sound effect.

[3:25] So again, if you could become a member, that'd be great.

[3:28] You just go to maximumfund.org slash join and choose a monthly amount that's comfortable

[3:34] for you.

[3:34] It could be as low as $5 a month, maybe $10 a month.

[3:37] Or if you're already giving that and you feel like now's the time that you feel comfortable

[3:41] upgrading, that you can afford it, and we've been doing a better job than before, and so

[3:45] you think we deserve it, which would-

[3:46] That's certainly not going to be the case.

[3:48] I mean, we are certainly doing more of a job.

[3:50] I don't know if it's a better job.

[3:51] Yeah, that's fair.

[3:52] Then you can upgrade as high as $20, $35, even $100 per month or more.

[3:57] It's about what works for you.

[4:00] This is something that, again, you don't need to do it.

[4:03] It just helps us out.

[4:04] And it's thanks to your support that we can keep making this the show that it is and bring

[4:09] it to you now pretty much weekly.

[4:12] So thank you very much.

[4:14] Dan will be back later to tell you about some of the things you might get in return.

Dan McCoy

[4:18] Am I going somewhere before that, though?

Elliott Kalan

[4:20] Yeah.

[4:20] Anyway, Dan has to go fix his light, which-

[4:23] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[4:24] It's in.

[4:25] It's working.

[4:26] Guys, in case you're worried about me, I'm doing fine.

[4:29] I kicked my power strip.

[4:31] Don't send me light bulbs, as I know that the rabid listener wants to do.

[4:36] Like, Dan needs light bulbs, you scream to yourself.

[4:38] And you rush to the nearest mailbox on the street, and you try to shove light bulbs into it.

[4:45] And that's not a- you can't do that anymore.

[4:46] No, they don't have that little door you pull down.

[4:48] They don't have the door.

[4:49] Now it's just a slot.

[4:50] Yeah.

[4:51] So you're just breaking a bunch of light bulbs, and now you've got a bloody hand.

[4:55] And that doesn't help anyone.

[4:56] Not in these times.

Stuart Wellington

[4:57] No, no.

[4:57] Back when people were doing that with mangoes, it was messy, but it wasn't dangerous.

[5:04] Because they heard how much you love mangoes.

Dan McCoy

[5:06] I think that's a pretty sweaty way to bring mangoes into the conversation.

[5:10] But, uh, sure.

[5:11] He's not sweating at all.

Elliott Kalan

[5:12] He's looking cool as a cucumber over this Skype call.

[5:15] So that's MaximumFun.org slash join.

[5:18] We'll be back to ask you for money again later in the show.

[5:22] Now, turning to sports.

[5:23] In high school sports news, there weren't any right now.

[5:27] It's the summer, and also there's a pandemic.

[5:29] So instead, let's imagine what the high school sports would be like if they were happening right now.

[5:34] Now, Dan, go into your famous high school sports.

Dan McCoy

[5:38] Hey, pass that over here.

[5:41] Yeah, sure.

[5:42] What game are we playing?

[5:43] I need the ball for the sport.

[5:45] Hey, forget about it.

Elliott Kalan

[5:48] Here we are.

[5:49] Here we are in Lawrence, Kansas, playing high school football.

[5:52] We're, as always, we're doing it with tri-state area accents.

Dan McCoy

[5:56] All my life, I wanted to be a football guy.

Elliott Kalan

[6:02] That's the term, right?

Dan McCoy

[6:03] For as long as I can remember.

[6:04] Sorry, I even fucked up the joke.

[6:06] Anyway, so.

Elliott Kalan

[6:08] No, and then he goes, he gives him money.

[6:10] He goes, you got tackled and you didn't say nothing.

[6:12] Good job.

[6:12] Good on you.

[6:13] Good on you.

[6:13] You did good.

Dan McCoy

[6:16] So that's from Martin Scorsese's movie.

Elliott Kalan

[6:19] That's Martin Scorsese's movie, Footfellas.

Dan McCoy

[6:21] What if that was what happened?

[6:23] If, like, someone got tackled in football, the opposing team drags you off somewhere and interrogates you.

Stuart Wellington

[6:32] Now, I'm going to constantly be thinking about shouting at Martin Scorsese.

[6:37] Hey, Marty, Footfellas.

[6:39] I liked it.

[6:43] What was it?

[6:44] Kundun was the one that he was saying?

[6:46] Yep.

[6:47] Yep.

[6:48] Yeah, I think that's their interrogation.

[6:50] I think about that line, like, once a day.

Elliott Kalan

[6:53] Wait, what is that from?

[6:54] That's from The Sopranos.

[6:55] From The Sopranos.

[6:56] Oh, okay.

[6:57] Christopher, Michael Imperioli, he sees Martin Scorsese and he just yells out, Kundun, I liked it.

[7:03] That is great.

[7:04] So, Dan, so when they interrogate the football player, the other team, they're like, tell us who you work for.

Dan McCoy

[7:10] And he's like, oh, the coach.

[7:13] I mean, in a larger sense, the manager.

[7:15] And I guess we're all kind of working for NFL, just in general.

Stuart Wellington

[7:20] Wow, wait a minute.

[7:21] This is Woody Allen?

[7:22] Wait a minute.

[7:23] Improvising.

Dan McCoy

[7:24] Come to think of it, the advertisers kind of pay our bills, so do we work for Doritos?

Stuart Wellington

[7:31] I don't know.

[7:33] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[7:34] And they get into a real crisis.

[7:35] They follow it down the line.

[7:37] Yeah.

[7:38] It's a real crisis of identity.

Elliott Kalan

[7:39] Who do I work for?

[7:41] Who am I endangering my health and my mental stability for?

[7:45] Is it for the coach, the owners of the team, the NFL commissioner, or Doritos?

[7:51] Is it for the love of the game?

[7:53] If I'm honest with myself, I'm most comfortable with doing it for Doritos.

[7:57] The crispity crunch, the nacho cheesy flavor, or occasionally cool ranch, and the fact that

[8:03] it comes in such a pleasing to open bag.

[8:06] And do the bags, they don't have the little windows anymore, right?

[8:08] The old Doritos bags, they had little windows, so you could see how low you were getting.

Dan McCoy

[8:12] Do they still have those ones that are like, you know, like plump Doritos?

[8:17] They're like three-dimensional Doritos.

[8:19] They're like puffed on Doritos?

[8:20] Yeah, they're like still a triangle, but they're like puffed.

[8:24] Yeah.

[8:26] You're asking the wrong person.

[8:27] Sounds good to me, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[8:28] Let me ask the brothers Frito-Lay.

[8:32] See if they know.

Dan McCoy

[8:34] So, as long as we're pitching products, Elliot, I think that you came with a notion you might

[8:40] want to start pitching to us.

Stuart Wellington

[8:41] I mean, technically it's Elliot and Stuart.

[8:44] I think we both get equal credit on the screenplay.

Elliott Kalan

[8:47] So, here's the thing.

[8:48] And Stu, just feel free to jump in whenever.

[8:51] Absolutely.

[8:51] Yeah, yeah.

[8:52] So, the Flophouse is all about movies, right?

[8:56] We watch them, we love them, or we don't love them, but either way, we're watching them.

[9:01] And at this point, the Flophouse has gone into so many different media.

[9:06] We're a podcast.

[9:08] We're a radio show.

[9:09] We're a book series.

[9:10] We're a Lifetime Original movie.

[9:13] We're a Hallmark Holiday movie.

[9:15] We're a deodorant.

[9:16] We're a foot soap.

[9:17] Oh, don't use that soap anywhere but your foot.

[9:19] I'm so sorry, but we have to make that clear.

[9:22] The lawsuit stipulated we had to make it clear it's just for the bottom of your foot.

[9:26] Just the toughest, most durable part of your body.

[9:30] Don't use it on any of your skin.

[9:31] Just the bottom of your foot.

Dan McCoy

[9:34] Maybe we should get to the point, though.

Elliott Kalan

[9:36] Yeah, okay.

[9:36] So it's time for the Flophouse to finally move into the world of movies.

[9:41] That's right, movies.

[9:43] People love them, like us on the Flophouse.

[9:45] We love them, or sometimes we don't love them, but either way, we love them.

[9:49] So we're up here to pitch you, Dan.

[9:51] Dan McCoy, head of MGM Studios, which again is McCoy, Gakoy, McCoy Studios.

[9:57] You named it after yourself three times, but the second time you got hit on the head and you thought your name was Gakoy for a little bit.

Dan McCoy

[10:03] And by that time, I'd filed the paperwork, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[10:06] Yeah, you had already filed the paperwork.

[10:09] We wanted to pitch you on The Flophouse, the movie.

[10:13] The story of three guys.

[10:15] We're going to have a little bit of a...

[10:17] Wait a minute.

[10:18] Excuse me.

[10:19] Oh, yes?

[10:19] Sorry.

Dan McCoy

[10:20] I've heard of Hot Dog, the movie, but Flophouse, the movie?

Elliott Kalan

[10:25] You haven't heard about it?

[10:27] You're right, because it's not a real movie yet.

Stuart Wellington

[10:28] We were anticipating this question, actually.

[10:32] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[10:32] Yeah.

[10:33] How this process works is we're actually bringing to you a new movie that doesn't exist yet in the hopes that you would help us produce it.

Dan McCoy

[10:39] I'm sorry.

[10:39] I recently had a head injury, apparently.

Elliott Kalan

[10:42] No, we're well aware.

[10:44] We read the story in Gariety, as you called it at the time.

[10:49] And the Gollywood Gaporter.

[10:51] I don't know why you were in charge of renaming the magazines for that day, but the trades, we call them.

[10:57] So let's trade you something.

[10:59] Let's trade your question for an answer.

[11:01] Yes.

[11:02] Flophouse, the movie, what is it?

[11:03] Well, we'll tell you.

[11:04] It's a movie, and it goes a little something like this.

[11:07] Okay.

[11:09] We all know the famous floppers, but do we know how they began?

[11:14] That's right.

[11:14] In the Flophouse, Rise of the Dawn of the Flophouse.

[11:18] We'll find out how these three famous podcasters really met.

[11:22] Well, actually, we'll find out how one of them met the other two, because when the movie starts, Dan, a down-on-his-luck divorcee who just can't catch a break,

[11:30] he's already roommates with Stuart, a ski instructor, who also doubles as a karate teacher.

Dan McCoy

[11:36] Okay, now, right away, I see that you're diverging from the real life for what I can only assume are dramatic reasons.

Elliott Kalan

[11:47] Yeah, yeah, and also because Stuart really wants to communicate his new fighting form of ski-radi.

[11:51] Stu, you want to expand on that a little bit?

Stuart Wellington

[11:54] Yeah, so ski-radi involves – so have you ever heard of skiing first?

[11:59] I should bring it back.

Dan McCoy

[12:01] Actually, I mean, that's what destroyed my knee famously.

[12:04] Uh-huh.

[12:05] Yeah, I've never done it since then.

Stuart Wellington

[12:07] The key to ski-radi is you have to get – say, you get an average person, your regular Joe.

[12:14] Like, let's call him Dan, for instance.

[12:16] Okay.

[12:16] And the trick to the martial art is you put him on some skis and just let him go down a hill, and he's going to beat the shit out of himself.

[12:25] Oh!

Elliott Kalan

[12:26] Yeah, it's a self-martial art.

[12:28] It's a self-directed martial art.

[12:29] Here's the thing about it.

[12:30] Perfect for quarantine.

[12:31] You don't need somebody else to spar with.

Stuart Wellington

[12:33] It's all about using your opponent's force against them by letting them just roll down a hill, basically.

Dan McCoy

[12:38] So is this – okay, would you then refer to this as sort of like a martial art that you do for self-improvement and exercise as you're doing it on your own?

[12:48] Or is it – do you do it this way because you hate yourself and you want to punish yourself?

Stuart Wellington

[12:53] I mainly do it because I'm hoping to get a sponsorship and have it translated into the Mortal Kombat game series.

[13:00] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[13:00] Mm-hmm.

[13:01] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[13:01] Okay.

[13:02] Because I feel like that's the only way that you can beat Scorpion because Scorpion is this, like, revenant.

[13:08] He's a ninja.

[13:09] And, I mean, ninjas are all over the place in Mortal Kombat.

[13:13] They're, like, falling out of the sky.

[13:14] They're falling out of the sky into the pit.

[13:16] Then you're in the pit bottom and you're battling them.

Dan McCoy

[13:18] Guys, where have all the ninjas gone?

[13:21] Because I feel like in the late 80s, early 90s, there were all these ninjas all over the place.

[13:26] Like, you couldn't walk down the street without hitting a couple of ninjas.

[13:28] And now, no ninjas.

Elliott Kalan

[13:30] Well, we all remember in the early 2000s when the bottom fell out of the ninja market.

[13:33] A lot of those ninjas had to get other jobs.

[13:35] A lot of them, sadly, had to be put to sleep because they were just a little too old and injured.

[13:40] And the ninja schools, they mainly closed down.

[13:44] It's all in that documentary, American Ninja, which is all about, you know, the last ninja school.

[13:49] It's located in Bakersfield, California, in a strip mall.

[13:53] And they just don't get the same quality student because there's just not the same job market for ninjas anymore, ironically.

Stuart Wellington

[14:01] Did you guys ever go to that ninja-themed restaurant in Manhattan?

[14:05] What, there was such a thing?

[14:07] No, I heard about it, but I never went.

[14:08] You go through, like, the waiters come out of, like, hidden doors and shit.

[14:13] And they...

[14:14] I assume they, like, for your drink, they make you lie down in a bed.

[14:19] And then they, like, pour the drink down a thread into your mouth.

[14:23] That sounds...

[14:24] So you drink it.

Dan McCoy

[14:25] Amazing.

[14:26] Like, even without the made-up stuff, that sounds amazing.

[14:28] Like, I...

[14:29] It's to my great shame that, you know...

[14:32] I mean, now the pandemic is going on and I can't go do this.

[14:35] But, like, I've never been to...

[14:37] What is it?

[14:38] Jekyll and Hyde?

[14:38] Is that the...

[14:39] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[14:39] I mean, you owe it to yourself to go back in time to when you were 14 and then go to Jekyll and Hyde.

[14:44] But you should...

[14:45] I mean, is it still in business?

[14:48] I think they're...

[14:49] I think, yeah.

[14:50] And you should go.

[14:50] I mean, I don't know about now, but...

[14:53] I mean, Mars 2112 is long gone.

[14:55] Okay.

[14:55] That was...

[14:56] I felt like that was the...

[14:57] That was the pièce de résistance of theme restaurants.

[15:00] Where you literally had to go through a little, like, spaceship show to get into the dining room.

[15:06] And the idea was that you were on Mars the whole time.

[15:08] And I guess the nadir would be Guy Fieri's American Cafe or whatever it was called, where the theme of it was just Guy Fieri throwing cheese sauce in your face.

Stuart Wellington

[15:17] Now, Elliot, I have a question about...

[15:19] Once again, gotta defend Guy Fieri.

[15:20] Apparently, he's a really good dude.

[15:22] Donates a lot of money to charity.

Elliott Kalan

[15:24] I'm just judging him by his restaurant.

[15:26] Yeah.

[15:27] Not at all by his actions as a person.

[15:28] The guy's helping to prop up the sunglasses market by putting sunglasses on the back of his head.

Dan McCoy

[15:35] Yeah.

[15:37] He's also propping up the frosted tip market, which went way down.

[15:42] Like, it really...

[15:42] The bottom fell out of that, too.

Elliott Kalan

[15:43] Well, it's hard with climate change because it's hotter.

[15:45] So, you really gotta work harder to keep those tips frosted.

[15:48] They melt.

[15:48] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[15:49] No, I wanted to ask about the Mars restaurant, though.

[15:52] Okay, then we can get back to my movie pitch.

[15:54] I mean, Stuart and my movie pitch.

[15:55] But I really want to get to the bottom of this Mars thing.

[15:57] It was, like, conceptually, was it a deeper concept in that, like, was the idea there are no more restaurants on Earth.

[16:05] We gotta go to Mars.

[16:06] Here's the concept, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[16:07] Here's the concept.

[16:08] There's a restaurant on Mars and you're going to it.

[16:10] That is the extent of the...

[16:12] Sure.

[16:12] There's no backstory.

[16:13] There's no reason you have to go to Mars.

Stuart Wellington

[16:15] What was the food like?

[16:17] I mean, because honestly...

[16:18] Was it in, like, tubes and shit?

[16:19] No.

[16:19] Or were they served you by aliens?

Elliott Kalan

[16:20] I mean, occasionally I think there was dry ice on the plate.

[16:23] Okay.

[16:23] But it was...

[16:23] It was just, like...

[16:25] It was just, you know, food.

[16:26] It was not anything special.

[16:27] Chicken fingers.

Dan McCoy

[16:27] Here's my problem is, like, you know, I rarely want to leave my own neighborhood to go to a restaurant, let alone Mars.

[16:35] Yeah.

[16:35] So...

[16:36] So...

[16:36] I just...

[16:37] It's a flawed concept from the beginning.

[16:39] I guess...

Elliott Kalan

[16:39] I mean, the fact that it's been out of business for years would also point to a flawed concept.

[16:43] Let's...

[16:44] Let's...

Elliott Kalan

[16:44] Let's...

Stuart Wellington

[16:45] All right.

[16:46] So back to the...

[16:47] Dan's just keeping them honest, you know?

[16:49] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[16:50] Look, defunct restaurant?

[16:52] No business from me.

[16:54] You're just not my cup of tea.

[16:56] So Dan and Stu are roommates.

[16:59] Dan's always mad that Stu's throwing these crazy ski parties.

[17:03] And Stu is always trying to get his pal Dan to lighten up.

[17:06] But then, uh-oh.

[17:08] What should crash land into their apartment one night but an alien spaceship.

[17:12] And wrapped up inside is a little dude from outer space whose name is Elliot.

[17:18] And he will not shut up.

[17:19] He just keeps talking.

Dan McCoy

[17:22] Is this your way of getting back at E.T. the Extraterrestrial?

[17:25] Like, you're like, okay.

[17:27] I would be lying if...

[17:27] You, like, fucking put me in, like, second build to an alien.

[17:32] Now I'm the alien, you jackasses.

[17:34] Uh-huh.

Elliott Kalan

[17:35] To answer your question, Dan, yes.

[17:37] Big time.

[17:38] Yeah.

[17:38] All right.

[17:39] Finally.

[17:40] Now I get to be the alien.

[17:41] I'm the alien now, dog.

[17:43] Anyway, so they've got to get him, Elliot the alien, who is lovable.

[17:47] And he's going to be heavily merchandised.

[17:49] Stuffed animals, talking dolls, lunch boxes, shitty Atari games.

[17:54] You name it, we're going to do it.

[17:56] They've got to get him to the MaxFun rocket.

[17:59] It's the only rocket that can get him up into space.

[18:01] And there's only one way to do that.

[18:03] They're going to have to start a podcast.

[18:05] But can they start a marginally...

[18:08] I would say, no.

[18:09] Can they start a successful, yet, let's be honest, maybe third tier podcast?

[18:14] You know, your top tier is what, like, cereal.

[18:17] And your second tier would be, like...

Stuart Wellington

[18:19] Are we talking about just listenership or quality?

[18:24] Both.

[18:25] Both.

[18:25] Wow.

[18:26] Because I feel like...

Dan McCoy

[18:27] I feel like this is a trap we're walking into.

Elliott Kalan

[18:31] So they're going to have to start a podcast.

[18:34] But how are they going to record it when they're on the run from government agents and a real estate developer that are looking to get this alien?

[18:42] The government...

[18:42] Oh, there's three people chasing them.

[18:43] Or three groups.

[18:44] There's the government agents who want to get this alien and stick him in a secret lab so they can find out what makes him so hilarious.

[18:50] Because maybe they could turn that into a military weapon, how amazingly funny he is, just off the top of his head, off the cuff.

[18:55] How does he do it?

[18:56] The government wants to find out.

Dan McCoy

[18:57] Yeah, and this alien, much like Alf, is...

[19:01] Cats are his natural enemy.

[19:03] I mean, look...

[19:04] I mean, that's like saying chocolate cake is my natural enemy, Dan, which it is not.

[19:08] I realize the flaw in what I was saying as I was saying it.

Elliott Kalan

[19:12] When we landed at Normandy, we did not proceed to eat the Nazis, Dan.

[19:15] It's not what you do with your enemy, usually.

[19:18] But then we gained their strength.

[19:21] No, that's not how it works.

[19:22] So the second group that's after them, this real estate developer who wants to turn Elliot's home planet into condos.

[19:28] And the third ones chasing after them are these big corporate businessmen who want to turn Elliot into like, you know, a talking doll or something.

[19:38] It's like Santa Claus the movie.

[19:39] I don't know what they were going to do with the stuff that the elf gave them in Santa Claus the movie.

[19:42] It seems like they already know how to make toys.

[19:44] So I don't know what...

[19:46] Like, the idea that this elf is like, hey, guess what?

[19:48] I'll sell you the secret of little wooden rocking horses.

[19:51] Oh, that people can ride?

[19:52] No, they're too small for that.

[19:54] They're just toys you push back and forth.

[19:56] It doesn't seem like the corporate espionage that we'd really need, you know?

Dan McCoy

[19:59] Yeah, I think we've talked about this before.

[20:01] I can't recall whether it was in direct relation to Santa Claus the movie, but it may have been.

[20:07] It is so amazing to me the number of movies, ostensibly for children, that take a hard left turn into corporate espionage.

[20:15] Like, these screenwriters have been joyless adults so long that they cannot imagine any other story other than, like, businesses at war with one another and think that, you know, small children are going to be fascinated by this.

Stuart Wellington

[20:30] They are not.

[20:31] It's like in the movie Big, where they're like, you know the best part about being an adult is getting to dance on a fucking keyboard.

Elliott Kalan

[20:38] I mean, he does go to board meetings in that, too.

[20:41] I mean, that sounds pretty.

[20:42] Oh, he does?

[20:42] Yeah, he goes to toy research and development meetings.

Stuart Wellington

[20:46] I thought he just went to FAO Shorts and danced on that fucking keyboard with Robert Loja for, like, four hours.

Elliott Kalan

[20:52] It'd be so funny if they did, like, a kid's cut of Big and it's just the stuff kids would do.

[20:56] So it's, like, 25 minutes long and it's, like, he wakes up Big, he eats that little corn, he dances on the piano, he touches the lady's boobs, and then suddenly he's back home again.

Dan McCoy

[21:06] Yeah.

[21:08] That's weird.

[21:09] Guys, let's take a little moment here to go back to the MaxFunDrive.

[21:14] You know, I don't want to kill anyone's momentum.

[21:16] I don't want to kill anyone's show.

[21:17] I just want to say it's the MaxFunDrive.

[21:20] This is the time when we come to you hat in hand and say, hey, if you've got a little money to spare, we do make this thing.

[21:28] It takes up a lot of our time.

[21:29] It's a second job or a co-job for many of us at this point.

[21:34] And that's what makes it worth doing to some degree.

[21:40] Look, would I love to hang out with my friends, Stuart and Elliot, without Maximum Fun monies?

[21:48] Sure I would.

[21:49] But would I have done a show for 13 years?

[21:53] Maybe not.

[21:54] It's hard to justify after a certain point.

Stuart Wellington

[21:57] Yeah, there's definitely certain points in my life and schedule where I'm like, if there wasn't some element of job to this, I might have to prioritize my other job.

[22:09] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[22:10] And I don't say that to make anyone sad.

[22:13] I mean, I think you can tell we are all the best of friends and love one another and love that we are able to do this for you.

[22:21] But there's also a little more mercenary reward in it for us.

[22:27] And we thank you for that.

[22:28] We thank you.

[22:28] It is hard to ask you for money at this time.

[22:31] I have a hard time asking honestly in years where the world is doing perfectly well.

[22:38] But, you know, it is still important.

[22:41] We've heard from a lot of people who value the stuff that we do in Maximum Fun, particularly right now when, you know, we're spending a lot of time apart from people and hearing another human in your ears may be of great comfort.

[22:57] And so Maximum Fun membership starts at $5 a month.

[23:01] That will get you access to over 200 hours of bonus content, including a lot from us.

[23:06] There's like an eight-part role-playing game that Stuart ran with us.

Elliott Kalan

[23:11] It's like we threw a third job onto the second job of doing the main podcast.

[23:15] Stuart's like, oh, I want to run you guys through another adventure for the bonus content.

[23:18] Oh, how many chapters will this be?

[23:20] Do you have several months free?

Stuart Wellington

[23:22] Yep.

[23:23] Well, I mean, you guys have to get into character.

[23:26] We have to do exercises.

Dan McCoy

[23:28] Yeah.

[23:28] I mean, look, people really love these things that Stuart does, and he puts a lot of work into them.

[23:35] So I don't want to.

[23:37] That's on my Tinder profile.

[23:38] I cannot badmouth them as much as it's not my bag.

[23:43] But people really like it, and I'm glad that Stuart is doing that for us.

[23:48] Really sell it, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[23:48] You're doing a great job.

[23:49] Really sell that bonus content.

Dan McCoy

[23:51] You're like, I don't like it, but maybe you will.

[23:54] No, I love the fact that it exists.

[23:57] I just don't like trying to.

[23:59] Anyway, if you choose to join.

Stuart Wellington

[24:01] You wouldn't like, if you were trying to impress a famous person, you wouldn't be like, hey, I do a podcast.

[24:09] And one of the things it does is this bonus content where my friend makes me play a role-playing game against my will.

Dan McCoy

[24:16] Here's the thing.

[24:17] If I could go into a fugue state where I don't recall doing the actual role-playing, I would think these are the most amazing things in the world.

[24:26] And I hope that you listeners do as well.

[24:29] And part of the joy is that Stuart has this power over us, knowing that this is a fan-favorite thing that he can force us to do.

[24:40] But if you choose to join $10 a month, you can get a MaxFun membership card, a cool pin, along with your bonus content.

[24:48] Pin?

[24:49] Every podcast has its own pin.

Elliott Kalan

[24:54] You can choose one.

[24:55] And the Flophouse one this time, it's got a certain rocket crocodile on it.

Stuart Wellington

[25:00] Space man alligator, I call him.

[25:02] Do you guys...

[25:03] No, that's the knockoff.

[25:05] Obviously, we all love the Flophouse pin.

[25:08] Was there another pin that caught your eye?

[25:10] I thought the Switchblade Sisters pin was really great.

[25:12] That's the one I was going to say.

[25:13] I love that Sawbones one that says, homeopathic means pretend.

Elliott Kalan

[25:17] For the first time, there's an iPodius pin.

[25:20] Never built.

[25:20] Never been done before.

[25:22] I mean...

Stuart Wellington

[25:22] Cool. That would be a nice pin to get and then throw in the garbage.

[25:26] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[25:26] I mean, the money still goes to MaxFun, so thank you for doing it.

Dan McCoy

[25:29] I mean, all of the pins are great.

[25:31] Honestly, if I was just a listener and not a member of the MaxFun network, I would have a very hard time deciding.

[25:40] But I am partial...

[25:42] Not impartial.

[25:43] I am partial to ours this year.

[25:47] It looks really great.

[25:48] It's a great one, yeah.

[25:49] So if you want to get those thank you gifts, you can go to MaximumFun.org join...

[26:00] Slash join to become a member.

[26:03] MaximumFun.org slash join.

[26:05] Thank you for reiterating that since I didn't say it that well the first time around.

[26:09] And because it is a hard time, because it is a weird time, we just want to thank everyone out there who is in healthcare, retail, all sorts of essential jobs that are continuing to make society work.

[26:27] No matter how much our own government seems to want it to crumble.

[26:31] We are thinking about you.

[26:32] We are grateful for everything you do.

[26:34] And we hope that our much dumber thing that we do can divert you and we can help in the only way we know how, which is to make really dumb, dumb jokes.

[26:49] Are you saying we're not essential workers?

[26:52] Ooh, Elliot, I don't want to break it to you, but no.

[26:54] We are the most inessential workers quite possibly ever.

Stuart Wellington

[26:58] In the history of humanity.

[27:00] Yeah.

[27:01] And thank you to all the protesters, too.

Dan McCoy

[27:03] Oh, yes.

[27:04] Yes.

[27:06] But, back to this pitch.

[27:09] I'm on Tinterhooks to see or hear what happens next.

[27:13] Tinterhooks?

[27:14] Tinterhooks.

[27:15] You mean Tinterhooks?

Stuart Wellington

[27:16] Yeah, those are the hooks.

[27:17] Tinterhooks.

[27:18] That's what the hooks that Harold Pinter uses when he needs to scale the wall of a castle keep so he can steal away a duke's treasure?

Elliott Kalan

[27:29] Yep, as Harold Pinter often did.

[27:31] As he's known for.

Dan McCoy

[27:33] Famed cat burglar Harold Pinter.

Elliott Kalan

[27:36] They say he was so good because he was so silent.

[27:40] It was the silences.

[27:41] The Scarlet Pinternell.

[27:45] Did they call him that?

[27:47] Well, that was when he teamed up with Nell and Scarlett Johansson.

[27:54] It was as a band, Scarlet Pinternell.

[27:58] And they were kind of like, I guess if there's such a thing as like new wave synth garage rock, like that was kind of what they were into.

[28:05] Harold Pinter, of course, played synths.

[28:07] Scarlett Johansson was on drums.

[28:09] And Nell was lead singer and lead vocals, which seems like a mistake.

[28:14] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[28:14] I mean, that's what gave them their signature sound, her made up wild child language.

[28:20] Hey guys, guys.

Stuart Wellington

[28:21] What?

[28:22] Is Harvey Keitel's wiener in Nell?

[28:26] Wiener?

[28:27] What?

[28:27] Yeah.

[28:27] I mean...

[28:28] Isn't Harvey Keitel's wiener in that movie?

[28:30] You're thinking of the piano, I think.

[28:31] What are you thinking about?

[28:32] God, you're fucking right.

[28:33] I'm thinking of the goddamn piano.

[28:35] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[28:36] I mean, his wiener's in a lot of movies.

[28:38] Every movie he's been in, but usually he's got pants over it.

Stuart Wellington

[28:41] Yeah, I mean...

Elliott Kalan

[28:41] It's not like he takes it out and puts it in a jar when it's not called for in a scene.

Stuart Wellington

[28:45] What I don't understand is why Dan is freaking out that I'm talking about wieners all of a sudden.

Dan McCoy

[28:50] Well, Dan's never listened to the show.

[28:50] Have you not shown attention to the fucking show?

[28:52] I had no idea what the fuck you were talking about.

[28:56] Also, you know, we've got to save Harvey Keitel's wiener as a subject for a future mini, Stuart.

[29:02] It's such a rich topic.

Stuart Wellington

[29:04] I'm teasing people with it.

Elliott Kalan

[29:06] To be fair, we're not just funded by the pledge drive.

[29:09] We are funded also by sponsors.

[29:10] And today's sponsor is Harvey Keitel's mini wieners.

[29:13] The next time you're holding a little tiny barbecue, throw a couple of Harvey Keitel's mini wieners on that itty bitty grill.

Stuart Wellington

[29:20] Yeah, yeah.

[29:21] Or any other kind of small function you might be holding.

Dan McCoy

[29:26] Or large function.

[29:27] We don't know.

[29:28] We don't know how your function looks once it's erect.

[29:30] We don't know.

[29:31] It could be a huge function.

Elliott Kalan

[29:32] Harvey Keitel's mini wieners are the only tiny sausage frankfurter fully endorsed by Harvey Keitel.

[29:39] Reminds me of the wieners I have at home, says Harvey Keitel, right on the package.

Dan McCoy

[29:45] So just crack open a case of Keitel's mini wieners.

[29:48] They're going to get sued for using his visage.

[29:50] They do not have his image rights.

Elliott Kalan

[29:54] It's the only hot dog whose casing replicates the leathery skin of America's favorite tough guy character actor, Harvey Keitel.

Dan McCoy

[30:06] This is our second penis-based sponsor, by the way, after sweet, delicious penises or whatever it was.

[30:13] That was a long time ago.

[30:14] That was a long time ago.

[30:15] Yeah.

[30:16] Yeah, that's a real—

Elliott Kalan

[30:17] So the three groups of bad guys are after the floppers.

[30:21] Yeah.

[30:21] And they've got to start this podcast.

[30:23] Of course, along the way, the podcast—they're traveling across the country, actually around in circles for a lot of it, because Dan's having trouble with the directions.

[30:32] And we're like, why was Dan tasked with dealing with this aspect of it?

[30:35] He gets so stressed out when he can't read the map, and it doesn't look the way he thinks it will.

[30:38] And so they're just going around the country, and meanwhile, people are loving this podcast that they're broadcasting from their pirate podcast van, let's call it.

[30:50] Yeah, okay.

[30:51] You're using alien technology to be able to broadcast the podcast live.

[30:54] It's a podcast broadcast from the van.

[30:56] And so there's just more and more people lining the streets with big signs that say, we love Elliot.

[31:01] Elliot's the best.

[31:02] Dan and Sue, too.

[31:03] But Elliot, mostly.

[31:04] And, you know, they're going to have to eventually get past, uh-oh, what's this?

[31:09] Not just the federal agents.

[31:11] Not just the real estate developer and his army of ninjas.

[31:13] That's right.

[31:14] This is where the ninjas come in, Stuart.

[31:15] Okay.

[31:16] Thank you.

[31:16] Yep.

[31:17] Not just the big business guy and his army of, what, wives' butts?

[31:22] Dan, what do you want to say there be?

Dan McCoy

[31:24] Wait, sorry.

[31:25] The business guy.

[31:26] So, no, I mean, he has to be part of, like, an evil organization, right?

[31:30] Wives' butts is not an evil thing to...

Elliott Kalan

[31:33] Well, maybe he brainwashes them.

[31:35] Or butt washes them.

[31:36] There's a whole scene of women washing their butts, and it's just for Dan.

[31:40] Okay, I don't need that.

Stuart Wellington

[31:42] I'm just saying, like, the evil...

[31:43] I mean, the question of need is, I think, unfair.

Elliott Kalan

[31:47] I mean, it's not...

[31:48] In Maslow's hierarchy, footage of a butt wash is pretty low, but still.

[31:53] Who needs a flower?

[31:54] What does it...

[31:56] Yeah.

[31:56] And yet it's beauty, and it's sweet nectar.

[31:59] Give us the honey and the eye candy that we need.

[32:03] And so...

[32:04] But now they're going to have to deal with, uh-oh, Elliot's home planet is coming to get

[32:08] him, because that's right.

[32:10] Elliot is a thought criminal.

[32:12] His crime?

[32:13] Talking too much.

[32:14] Uh-oh.

[32:15] So now it's an intergalactic chase.

[32:18] They're using technology from the MaxFun offices, which they get to.

[32:23] They managed to turn the van itself into a rocket ship.

[32:25] It also travels through time and can go into people's dreams.

[32:28] And so it's just a phantasmagoric, psychedelic ride through the last hour and a half or so

[32:35] of what I think is like a four and a half hour movie.

[32:38] Okay, yeah.

[32:38] Because we're going to call it a TV binge of a movie.

[32:42] Because here's the thing.

[32:43] Movies, they're like, what, an hour and a half, two and a half hours?

[32:46] People will binge like four, four and a half hours of TV all the time.

[32:50] So why don't we make movies that long?

[32:52] Let's just do it.

[32:52] Let's just go for it.

[32:53] We'll say you're binging the movie.

[32:54] Okay?

Stuart Wellington

[32:55] Just make sure that you have enough incidents in each half hour so it feels like that movie

[33:00] is just a bunch of small half hours mushed together.

Elliott Kalan

[33:02] And also we run credits in between every half hour and there's a theme song for the movie

[33:06] that plays in between every half hour to remind you what's going on in the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[33:10] And the screen makes it seem like you have the option to skip the intro, but you don't

[33:15] actually have that option unless you leave the theater to go to the bathroom and come back.

[33:19] In which case, that's called skipping the intro.

Elliott Kalan

[33:22] We call that real-time intro skipping because it doesn't save you any time, but you do get

[33:26] to avoid the intro.

[33:27] And the intro is very annoying and very earworm catchy, so you are going to want to hit those

[33:32] bathroom breaks.

Dan McCoy

[33:33] Now, so I feel like I understand a lot about the plot of the movie right now, but I have

[33:39] a couple.

[33:40] So, you know, like they're on the run.

[33:43] Businessmen are the antagonists.

[33:45] Your fellow aliens are the antagonists.

[33:47] There are a few character questions I want to ask.

Elliott Kalan

[33:49] Yeah, I just told you all that stuff.

[33:50] I don't know why you're pitching the movie back to me.

[33:52] The character stuff is...

[33:52] Yeah, let's do it.

[33:53] It's great.

Dan McCoy

[33:53] I love it.

[33:54] Let's...

[33:54] No, no, no.

[33:55] I wonder...

[33:56] All right.

[33:56] There's two key questions I have here.

[33:58] Number one...

[33:58] Okay.

[33:59] What about them being podcasters?

[34:01] Sort of like informs and reflects upon the characters.

[34:05] Why are these characters podcasters?

[34:07] And number two...

[34:08] Oh, boy.

[34:08] You have taken network notes before.

[34:09] Marks over the course of this movie.

[34:11] That's what I...

[34:13] Because character's king.

[34:14] You know, as a writer myself, it all comes from character.

[34:17] And they're welcome.

Elliott Kalan

[34:18] Yeah, characters...

[34:18] And especially king character, the king of all characters.

[34:20] Oh, you're welcome.

Stuart Wellington

[34:23] Wait, is king character related to King Cruel, the alligator, like, boxer punching guy who

[34:29] fights Donkey Kong?

Elliott Kalan

[34:31] No, no.

[34:31] King Cruel, king character, king Koopa, and every other king are not...

[34:34] What about King Hippo?

[34:35] No, they're just kings.

[34:36] Also a boxing guy.

[34:37] They just all have the same title.

[34:39] They are in the same place of their individual nation states or fiefdoms.

[34:43] Usually, having the title king does not mean you're related to someone, unless you are a family

[34:48] member of someone with the last name King.

[34:50] Yeah.

[34:50] Stephen King's son, Martin Luther King, for instance.

[34:52] Like, they're related, because they're both named King.

[34:55] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[34:57] So, back to the characters.

Elliott Kalan

[34:59] Yeah, okay.

[35:00] So, Stuart, I think you had some ideas about why they are specifically podcasters and what

[35:04] it is about podcasting that informs their character choices.

Stuart Wellington

[35:07] Yeah.

[35:07] I mean, I feel like that they have a...

[35:12] They have...

[35:13] Well, they all have lovely voices.

[35:15] Mm-hmm.

[35:15] We agree to that, right?

[35:16] The voices thing?

[35:17] Yeah, to a man.

[35:19] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[35:19] And they look kind of weird, so they wouldn't want to be in some kind of visual medium.

Stuart Wellington

[35:25] Mm-hmm.

[35:26] And also, they all grew up listening to radio, like, in Dream On, but with radio instead of

[35:36] TV.

[35:37] Right, right, right, right.

Dan McCoy

[35:38] And, of course, I assume that we want to, like, piggyback on all of that, the success that

[35:44] Alex Incorporated had.

[35:46] Oh, yeah.

[35:47] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[35:48] The hit sitcom about a podcaster.

[35:50] Hit sitcom.

[35:50] It's been running for years, won all the Emmys, and people remember it.

[35:54] It lives on in more ways than just as mugs that are at the MaxFun offices.

[36:03] Yeah, exactly.

[36:04] And so, Dan, your other question, what their arcs are over the course of it.

[36:06] Okay, Dan, of course.

[36:08] Dan will finally let down his hair, eventually, and have an amazing night as a party dude, and

[36:14] finally realize what his life is missing, which it turns out is a small cactus plant in a little,

[36:20] like, a little pot that he can take with him.

[36:22] Yeah.

[36:23] Because then he's always got a friend with him, and a friend that will never run away, because

[36:25] it's rooted into the soil.

[36:26] But he also doesn't have to give it very much, because it only needs water, like, every week

[36:30] or so.

[36:30] So he finally realizes what's missing from his life, which, after a wild whirlwind night

[36:34] and this amazing journey, he realizes he needs this little cactus plant in a pot, and he

[36:39] can just put it on his desk, or, like, put it on the counter while he's making breakfast

[36:42] and just talk to it, and it's not going to go anywhere.

[36:44] He can just say whatever.

[36:45] He can just, whatever abuse he wants to hurl at it, it doesn't matter.

[36:48] It's a cactus.

[36:49] It can take it.

[36:50] Now, Stuart's arc is that he will finally meet a kung fu master, and is able to use Ski-Radi

[36:58] to challenge him, and in doing so, he manages to form his first martial arts school, and now

[37:05] he's a respected...

Stuart Wellington

[37:06] And, of course, opens his first bank account.

Elliott Kalan

[37:09] Yes, yeah.

[37:09] And, well, that's the thing.

[37:10] He turns his back on martial arts after this whole adventure, because he realizes violence

[37:13] is not the answer, money is the answer, and he opens a bank account and becomes like

[37:18] a venture capital guy.

Stuart Wellington

[37:20] I mean, in a way, money is violence, but, and let me just jump in here for...

[37:25] I mean, in a very real way, yes.

[37:26] Wow, wow.

[37:27] For, yeah, yeah, you know, maybe think.

[37:30] And then, for the Elliot character, it's a pretty classic arc.

[37:36] You know, we're dealing with a character who has some weaknesses, and his arc is all about

[37:42] overcoming that weakness.

[37:44] So, he begins the movie, this, you know, short little alien guy who talks about it,

[37:50] talks too much.

[37:50] And, by the end, he grows, like, three or four feet, and you're like, what?

[37:55] And that's his arc.

[37:57] Oh, wait.

[37:58] What am I like, Stuart?

[38:00] You're like, what?

Dan McCoy

[38:03] I like it.

[38:04] I think I could sell that to the people upstairs.

[38:07] Well, we thought you were the head of the company.

[38:08] It's named after you.

[38:10] No, I just, there's a...

[38:12] What do you mean, God?

[38:13] There's a family upstairs I kind of use just as, like, a barometer of what, you know, an average

[38:17] American wants to see in a movie.

[38:19] Yeah, sounding board.

[38:19] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[38:20] So, you're the head of a movie studio, but you live kind of, like, downstairs from an

[38:24] average American family.

Dan McCoy

[38:26] Well, we don't have the air rights to our studio, so this family just came in and built a house

[38:32] up there.

[38:33] I mean, that's not really how air rights...

[38:34] I mean, you do have the air rights over whatever building you have.

[38:37] Sorry.

[38:37] Skype's breaking up, Elliot.

[38:40] I can't hear you.

[38:41] I can't hear your logical objections.

Elliott Kalan

[38:44] So, I guess that's Flophouse the movie, and we've already got a commitment from Robin,

[38:52] the musician, to do the theme.

[38:55] No, wait.

[38:55] I'm sorry.

[38:56] I misread the name.

[38:59] It's from Rorbin.

[39:01] Rorbin is not known by anybody, not a famous musician, and, in fact, not a musician.

[39:05] It's actually a dog that I know.

[39:07] But I'm pretty sure Rorbin will do the theme for us.

Dan McCoy

[39:11] Now, when you say you know him, have you been over to his house?

[39:14] What is it?

[39:14] What it is to know a dog?

Elliott Kalan

[39:17] Well, that's a little personal, but you can't ever really know him because he has such multitudes.

[39:22] But, you know, I've walked him a couple times, and we've talked about, you know, the life

[39:25] and what it's like to be a dog.

Stuart Wellington

[39:27] And you made eye contact with him when he was doing his business on the street, and you

[39:30] were like, I get it.

[39:32] I see you.

Elliott Kalan

[39:33] It was in that moment where I felt like I looked into his soul, and I liked what I saw.

[39:37] And what I saw was the theme song for this Flophouse movie.

[39:40] We need to attach some more talent, certainly, to play the head of the federal agents.

[39:46] I was thinking probably like Lance Henriksen.

[39:49] And to play the real estate agent, I was thinking his brother Vance Henriksen.

[39:54] And to play the capitalist kind of banker, I was thinking, that's right, Dance Henriksen, which

[40:00] is the dance troupe Lance Henriksen started.

[40:02] He's no longer a member in it.

[40:03] He kind of can't move the same way he did when he was younger.

[40:06] But he still choreographs it.

[40:09] And Dance Henriksen will kind of like get into this giant business suit, and they'll operate

[40:14] it almost like an enormous puppet, but dance.

[40:16] And I think that'll be really cool and something new that the kids haven't seen yet with their

[40:20] TikToks and their Instagrams and their catfishes and their hush puppies and their roller discos

[40:28] and their elephants and their circus peanuts and their, you know, Polaroid photographs and

[40:33] their, you know, Birkenstock shoes and their alarm clocks and their, you know, Love and Rockets

[40:38] comic books and their Ikea furniture, you know, and their Sealy Posturepedic mattresses and

[40:43] their Buddhism and their, you know, Hebrew National All-Beef Salami and their, you know, deciduous

[40:49] trees and, you know, their peacocks and, you know, their Tasmanian tigers and other extinct

[40:57] mammals, you know, their Tide laundry detergent, you know, and their, you know, early onset

[41:04] Alzheimer's and their, you know, those plastic novelty combs, the really big ones that you

[41:09] get at amusement parks and, like, you know, Teddy Ruck spins, you know, and their earthworms

[41:14] and their earthworm gyms, for the Sega Genesis particularly.

[41:18] And, you know, their Kleenexes and, you know, their Denny's and their Denver the Last Dinosaurs

[41:25] and, you know, their hardwood floors, you know, and their walk-in closets and, you know,

[41:30] their indoor plumbing and their internal combustion engines, you know, and their separated rights

[41:35] for various merchandising and, you know, adaptation things.

[41:39] Their palm trees and their, you know, you know, dandelions.

Stuart Wellington

[41:43] You know, it's going to be great when Dan goes to visit Elliot in L.A. and he walks into Elliot's

[41:49] office and he has this, like, Chaz Palminteri and usual suspects moment where he sees all

[41:54] the things that Elliot just talked about.

Dan McCoy

[41:58] I mean, they were an astounding, from my perspective, an astounding series of pulls of seemingly random

[42:07] but very specific things, other than the fact that, other than the one moment at which I was dabbing

[42:14] my forehead because I was sweating from the hot room and the laughter at the same time and he said Kleenex.

[42:19] Other than that, I think it was a pretty clean run.

[42:22] Thanks. That was a weak moment for me.

Elliott Kalan

[42:24] I don't like that I said palm trees and then I think, or I think I said deciduous trees and dandelions

[42:29] at the same time.

[42:29] There were a couple things where the links were a little too strong.

[42:32] But anyway, I think the kids...

Stuart Wellington

[42:33] And you mentioned Earthworm Jim, which is one of those kind of sad ones because isn't that

[42:37] dude like a huge asshole?

Elliott Kalan

[42:38] Yeah, he's a real jerk.

[42:39] He's a terrible...

[42:40] He's a...

[42:41] Well, he's a guy who I don't agree with politically and also he's intolerant of people who are

[42:47] not like him.

[42:48] And so, yeah.

[42:48] But anyway, we don't have to talk about him.

[42:50] Okay, so instead of Earthworm Jim, pretend I said Toe Jam and Earl.

[42:53] Thank you.

[42:53] The kids, they're Toe Jam and Earls and they're MC Scat Cats and they're, you know, jet skis.

Dan McCoy

[42:59] The Samson Max hits the roadses.

Elliott Kalan

[43:01] The Samson Max hits the roses from LucasArts and there's big fan men that are outside of

[43:06] used car dealerships and they're enormous, enormous flags that just have like a picture of the

[43:12] devil and underneath it says, hey buddy.

[43:14] And they're novelty t-shirts and they're roller skates and they're wicker laundry hampers and

[43:20] you know, they're curly wigs with lots of multicolored colors on it and they're clown noses, you know,

[43:30] and they're gloves without the fingers that they can handle coins when they're selling papes

[43:34] on the street.

[43:35] And you know, they're number two Ticonderoga pencils and you know.

Dan McCoy

[43:39] Okay, well, uh, no, look, you got it.

[43:43] You got the movie.

[43:44] Green light.

[43:45] Sold in the room.

[43:47] We did.

[43:48] That was me.

[43:50] Putting a, putting a cap on this.

[43:52] Uh, you know, the, the, you know, I think this is the most informative episode of the show

[43:56] we've ever done.

[43:58] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[43:58] This is definitely one of those, uh, click on it, hold down the button, drag it over into

[44:05] the little garbage bin and hit empty trash.

Elliott Kalan

[44:07] I think, I think, I think you mean drag it over to the little thing that says time capsule

[44:10] and save it for 5,000 years for future generations.

[44:13] So they know that we had band-aids and also like, uh, glue sticks and, you know, paperclips,

[44:21] not to mention Pomeranian dogs and, you know, Hulk Hogan and not to mention, you know, those

[44:27] rubber bands that they, they're really thin and they're really long.

[44:31] You know, the ones I'm talking about and also like little key chain flashlights and not,

[44:35] not, not to mention those screens you put up on the windshield of your car.

[44:40] So the inside of the car doesn't get hot.

Stuart Wellington

[44:42] And it looks like sunglasses.

[44:44] So this is, you know, this is the kind of thing that you, the max fun, the max fun subscribers,

[44:54] the supporters of this show, you made this happen.

[44:59] I'd hate to say it's your fault, but it kind of is.

[45:03] Uh, and, uh,

[45:05] for all you folks that are listeners, thank you so much for all the supporters.

[45:10] Uh, to be honest, we kind of couldn't do the show without you.

[45:14] Um, you, uh, you, you keep us going.

[45:18] Um, and this is the time of year where we thank you by putting out all this amazing content,

[45:24] like what you just listened to.

[45:27] Um, if you, so yeah, if you get a chance, I can name more things.

Dan McCoy

[45:31] Ninja Turtles, Benjamin Harrison.

[45:33] It was a real Fantasia on stupid themes.

[45:36] This last episode.

Stuart Wellington

[45:39] The, uh, so if, if you are not already a supporter, uh, and you're interested, head over to maximum fun.org, uh, slash join, uh, pick a level that you are comfortable with.

[45:52] Um, be prepared to receive some lovely gifts as well as, uh, the warm and fuzzy feeling of supporting art that I hope you like.

[46:02] Because we like what we make and, uh, we think it, it's worth something.

[46:07] So, thanks.

Dan McCoy

[46:09] Uh, yeah, with that note, um, you know, I think that if we don't sign off, there's always the risk that Elliot will keep saying things until he forgets things to say, which means that we will literally be here until the heat death of the universe.

[46:27] I mean, I don't know about that.

Elliott Kalan

[46:28] I mean, I guess I could talk about like Altoids Mints.

[46:30] And then they've got their three ring binders.

[46:32] Okay.

[46:32] And their footie pajamas.

[46:34] Uh-huh.

[46:34] And their swim caps.

[46:35] Uh-huh.

[46:36] And their, and their, they've got their temporary tattoos that's just like a tiger.

[46:40] Uh-huh.

[46:40] And they've got their plastic flowers.

[46:42] Not real flowers.

[46:43] Plastic ones.

[46:44] Uh-huh.

[46:44] And they've got their videos of sports bloopers.

[46:47] You've got your fart sound effects CDs.

[46:49] And you've got your Halloween sound effects CDs, of course.

[46:52] And, of course, these kids today with their clouds.

[46:54] Uh-huh.

[46:54] And, of course, their stuffed animal rabbits and their manhole covers.

[46:58] And, of course, their pickup trucks.

[47:00] And, of course, you've got their, their, uh, plastic bags with the Ziploc top so you can keep things fresh inside.

[47:06] And, uh, you know, Rubbermaid products of all different kinds.

[47:09] And let's not forget the kids these days.

[47:11] They've got hacksaws.

[47:12] And then they've also got airbags.

Dan McCoy

[47:21] Maximumfun.org.

[47:22] Comedy and culture.

S4

[47:24] Artist owned.

[47:25] Audience supported.

FH Mini 12 - Flop House: The Movie!

Transcript

In this episode

Description