FH Mini #20 - Novel Tees

[0:00] Hey everybody, this is a Flophouse mini.

Dan McCoy

[0:07] Normally we talk about a bad movie or such, but on off weeks we do, you know, we just

[0:14] take the road less traveled by and that makes all the difference.

[0:19] What?

Stuart Wellington

[0:20] We travel by a tiny little baby.

[0:23] That's the mini.

Dan McCoy

[0:25] Okay, sure.

[0:26] We travel by a baby, we say hi baby, we wave to it on the side of the road, we don't

[0:31] worry that it has no parents around and is like an under the skin when a child is...

[0:37] No, no.

Elliott Kalan

[0:38] It's one of those new babies that can take care of themselves.

[0:41] Oh, wow.

[0:42] The new ones they have coming out now.

Dan McCoy

[0:43] Anyway, the point is, on these minis we do something a little...

Elliott Kalan

[0:47] I mean, did you guys ever notice that on Muppet Babies, their supposed nanny is just socks?

[0:52] She's not a real person.

[0:53] She's just an ambulatory pair of socks.

[0:54] There's nothing above those socks.

[0:56] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[0:56] Did you ever think about that?

[0:58] How does she change their diapers?

[1:01] With her toes?

[1:03] I guess.

[1:03] We've got to assume so.

[1:05] Yeah.

[1:06] That's pretty cool.

Dan McCoy

[1:08] The socks are kind of like a Tim Burton sandworm, too.

[1:12] In that they're striped.

[1:13] You're just saying that they're striped.

[1:14] That's all.

[1:14] In that they're striped.

[1:15] Yeah, that's the way I describe stripes.

[1:17] Dan walks by a barber shop and he goes, ah, a sandworm.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20] He goes, no, it's just a barber pole, Dan.

[1:23] Look over there, a sandworm, a tiny one.

[1:24] It's just a candy cane, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[1:26] If a criminal escapes from jail and they're asking me for a description, I'm like, I don't

[1:31] know, they ran past me on a shirt that looked like a Tim Burton sandworm.

[1:36] Uh-huh.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36] I mean, you know, criminals usually wear like orange jumpsuits, not the black and white

[1:40] striped robber tops that hamburger wears.

Stuart Wellington

[1:43] Yeah.

[1:43] Are you thinking of the Beagle Boys?

Dan McCoy

[1:45] I'm thinking of the Beagle Boys.

[1:47] I'm almost always thinking of the Beagle Boys.

[1:50] Oh, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[1:50] You remember that famous story when Madison Square Garden thought they had booked the Beastie

[1:55] Boys, but it was actually the Beagle Boys?

[1:56] Yeah.

[1:57] And they just robbed all the ducks in the audience?

[1:58] Yeah.

[1:59] It was...

[2:00] That was Mallardson Square Garden.

[2:03] Oh.

Dan McCoy

[2:05] Okay.

[2:05] Well, anyway, the point is, normally we are a podcast about bad movies.

[2:12] This is an off week, and I just wanted to say to you guys, we've talked a lot about bad movies,

[2:18] and occasionally we've done some bad TV in our bonus episodes, but there's a lot of other

[2:24] bad media out there.

[2:26] We just haven't.

Elliott Kalan

[2:27] There is Dan McCoy, and I'm Elliot Kalin, and the other one is Stuart Wellington.

[2:30] Continue, Dan.

[2:31] Just thought I'd get that business out of there.

[2:32] Oh, I'm sorry.

Dan McCoy

[2:34] There's also bad podcasts, apparently.

[2:35] Is it my fault that I forgot that after you guys talked for 10 minutes, we hadn't introduced

[2:40] ourselves?

Elliott Kalan

[2:41] I mean, usually you start with the introduction, but yeah, so there's a lot of other bad media

[2:44] out there, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[2:45] There's a lot of other bad media out there.

[2:47] I thought we were leaving some money on the table, so in this mini, I'd like to focus on

[2:52] some bad t-shirts.

Elliott Kalan

[2:54] So this is a bad media money mini t-shirt edition.

Dan McCoy

[2:57] Yeah.

[2:58] Now, in the spirit of synopsizing the plots of movies, I'm going to describe to you guys

[3:04] some Big Johnson t-shirts.

[3:07] The 90s premier source of penis-based double entendres.

[3:12] And I just want to pull one up.

Stuart Wellington

[3:14] And this is not to be confused with Huge Woody's brand of t-shirts.

Elliott Kalan

[3:19] No, no.

[3:19] For the young people listening at home, Enormous Johnson's was a brand of cartoon t-shirt,

[3:25] not based on any pre-existing IP property, which is a redundant thing to say that P and IP

[3:30] is property, but just about a nerdy-looking guy who off-camera has a huge penis.

[3:36] And for some reason, this was considered not only acceptable in middle schools nationwide,

[3:41] but mandatory that children had to wear it in middle schools, along with the co-ed naked

[3:45] sports league t-shirts, which were also very big at the time.

Stuart Wellington

[3:49] And this Big Johnson guy is always standing next to something big and suggestive of a phallus,

[3:55] right?

Dan McCoy

[3:55] Well, don't get ahead of ourselves.

[3:58] I'm going to describe you to the audience.

[4:00] Let me pump the brakes of my penis-shaped car.

[4:03] When you said Big Johnson guys, I thought you were talking about the guys who wore Big Johnson

[4:08] t-shirts, in which case you were talking about the coolest guys in the world.

[4:14] So this first t-shirt says...

Elliott Kalan

[4:18] And Dan, these are all from your personal collection?

[4:21] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[4:21] Yes, these are from the Dan McCoy archives, housed in the Smithsonian.

Stuart Wellington

[4:26] Yeah, they're on mannequins that have Dan McCoy faces projected on them, like the Jean-Paul

[4:32] Gaultier Museum.

[4:34] Yeah, yeah, like the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland.

Dan McCoy

[4:37] This first shirt has Johnson in bright orange letters, and then much smaller letters, fishing

[4:44] rods.

[4:45] The legend...

[4:46] So there's a picture here.

Elliott Kalan

[4:48] Oh, and oh, what a legend it is, the legend of Johnson fishing rods.

Dan McCoy

[4:51] There's a picture here.

[4:53] There's a person in the back who's driving the boat, and then there's three...

[5:01] Oh, we just learned there's a boat.

[5:02] Okay.

[5:03] They're on a boat, there's three ladies in bikinis, and there's this sort of nerdy-looking

[5:10] fellow in the front with orange glasses of the same shade of Johnson, and he's got a fishing

[5:19] rod.

Elliott Kalan

[5:20] Wait, orange glasses of the same shade of Johnson?

[5:23] Oh, sorry, the word Johnson.

Dan McCoy

[5:24] The word Johnson, yes.

[5:25] Okay, thank you.

[5:26] I was like, Dan, your Johnson should not be orange.

Elliott Kalan

[5:29] This is like...

[5:29] Unless you've been indulging in what I would call self-pleasure by Cheeto, it should be

[5:36] more of a Caucasian flesh color in your case.

Dan McCoy

[5:39] Well, this is 90s quality color printing.

[5:43] So I would say there seems to be...

[5:45] Let's see.

[5:46] Let's count up the colors.

[5:47] There's the orange.

[5:48] There's one.

[5:49] There's black, two.

[5:51] Blue, three.

[5:53] Yellow, four.

[5:54] Brown, five.

[5:55] And then there's sort of a greeny blue, six.

[5:59] So that's what we got here.

Elliott Kalan

[6:00] Now, I remember these Johnson t-shirts as being much more professional looking than, say,

[6:05] the Ninja Turtles or Simpsons t-shirts my dad would buy on his way home from work in the

[6:09] city back to New Jersey, which always had the colors of the characters totally wrong.

Dan McCoy

[6:14] Well, I guess these are more professional than bootleg t-shirts, less professional than

[6:19] basically any other t-shirt.

[6:21] And so there are three bikini ladies.

[6:25] One of them's holding...

[6:26] On their way to the manger.

[6:29] They're on a boat.

Elliott Kalan

[6:30] They're following Enormous Johnson to where the new shepherd lord is born.

Dan McCoy

[6:34] One of them is holding a bait can.

[6:36] One of them is holding a can of some sort of drink of indeterminate type.

[6:41] I assume some sort of sweet brew.

[6:46] It's like a lemonade?

[6:48] The boat has the...

[6:52] The name of the boat is Catchin' Snapper and a font that I've never seen on a boat before.

[6:57] Just sort of a font that you might find on a word processor.

[7:01] Well, like wingdings or something?

Elliott Kalan

[7:03] Yeah.

[7:03] And Dan, you know boats.

[7:05] If there's anyone who knows boat fonts, it's Dan Boatfont McCoy.

[7:09] The man who literally wrote the book about maritime topography.

[7:13] It's called Words on the Water and Fire in Your Eyes.

[7:17] A guide in the history to maritime topography.

Dan McCoy

[7:21] Topography.

[7:21] But well...

[7:22] And the slogan underneath is,

[7:25] It's easy to reel them in when you've got a big Johnson.

[7:28] Now, that is a double entendre referring to the size of this unprepossessing gentleman's penis.

[7:38] Yeah.

[7:39] Apparently he has a larger penis than you would expect.

Elliott Kalan

[7:42] And the name of the boat is also a double entendre.

[7:45] Yeah.

[7:45] Wait, really?

[7:46] As snapper being a term for, I guess, the kind of vagina that just bites your dick right off.

[7:53] Uh-huh.

[7:54] Like in the movie Teeth.

[7:55] Exactly.

[7:56] Like in the movie Teeth or the movie Mrs. Doubtfire.

[7:58] Stuart, what were you going to say?

Stuart Wellington

[7:58] I was going to say, does this fella, does he have a look on his face like he's surprised or he's got like a secret or...

Dan McCoy

[8:06] He's just kind of...

[8:08] Like this is...

[8:09] I mean like...

[8:11] How puckish does he look?

[8:12] How puckish?

[8:13] How impish?

[8:14] He looks a little impish, a little puckish.

[8:16] I think these escalate as they go on to some degree.

[8:21] This one, he just kind of looks bemused at his luck at having this above average fishing reel slash penis.

Elliott Kalan

[8:30] So you're saying he's got a classic, it's a living type expression.

[8:35] Yeah.

[8:35] Is that what I'm guessing?

[8:36] Except what he's saying is, it's a penis.

Stuart Wellington

[8:39] Yeah.

[8:39] So this is shirt number one of 20, I'm assuming.

Dan McCoy

[8:44] Shirt number one of five.

[8:48] Okay.

[8:48] Now the...

Elliott Kalan

[8:49] Oh, then I do have time, Dan.

[8:50] How does this relate to...

[8:51] Are you familiar with the happy fisherman iconography?

[8:54] I am not.

[8:55] Okay, this is something that a fellow Daily Show writer had up in his office, which shows the difference when you're at a comedy show.

[9:01] This is an image of a fisherman who, from the waist up, appears to just be a regular fisherman, just wading waist deep into the water.

[9:07] And from the waist down, under the water, you can see that he is pantsless and a fish is fish-lating him under the water.

[9:14] Wow, Dan's loving it.

[9:16] Now that's the kind of thing you would see.

[9:18] That's more of a 1970s, I guess, type of novelty item.

[9:21] This is more of a 1990s.

Dan McCoy

[9:22] You know, I like that guy's sort of like, take life as it comes attitude.

[9:29] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[9:31] He's like...

[9:32] He didn't ask him.

[9:33] He's like, but wait, I thought I ordered the fish sticks.

Elliott Kalan

[9:37] Mm-hmm.

[9:38] Right?

[9:38] Now it's...

[9:38] Now you have to assume...

[9:39] Jordan, edit that out.

[9:41] Edit my joke out.

[9:42] No, no, keep it.

[9:43] Jordan, highlight it.

[9:43] Put something funnier in.

[9:44] Put some applause in after it.

Dan McCoy

[9:45] Jordan, put up the...

[9:45] Like, crank up the funny by 20% on that joke.

[9:49] No.

[9:49] Yeah, just put humor it up by about 50% to 60%.

[9:53] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[9:55] Now the question is, did this fisherman intend for this to happen, or is this a Ray Stans

[9:59] dream sequence in Ghostbuster type scenario?

Dan McCoy

[10:04] You'll never...

[10:05] Yeah, a lucky accident.

[10:08] Now, the second shirt, the Big Johnson logo has evolved a lot in this one.

[10:13] It's more of kind of a...

[10:16] You know, it's got more attitude, or bad-titude, or rat-itude, as you might say.

[10:22] Oh, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[10:22] So it's like backwards.

[10:26] It's like the way that Death's logo went from super cool and sketched on to more serious.

[10:32] This is like it's going backwards.

[10:33] It's regressing to even cooler and weirder.

Dan McCoy

[10:36] Awesome.

[10:36] This logo's great.

[10:38] Great.

[10:38] Big Johnson, and then it's a bait shack.

[10:42] Big Johnson bait shack.

[10:43] Oh, so he's still fishing.

[10:44] Continuing the nautical theme.

[10:46] Okay.

[10:46] Continuing fishing.

[10:47] There's all sorts of shenanigans in the background.

[10:51] Like, this is like a Jack Davis sort of cartoon.

[10:54] Sergio Aragonese.

Elliott Kalan

[10:56] Well, he might have been doing art for the classic comedy film.

[11:00] It's a big, big, big, big dick.

Dan McCoy

[11:02] Yeah.

[11:02] I mean, I'm not going to describe everything that's going on in the background, but we got

[11:06] a guy who's frozen in the ice machine.

[11:10] Someone's being strangled by worms.

[11:14] Also, another guy seems to be being attacked by an octopus.

Stuart Wellington

[11:18] Now, real quick, Dan.

[11:20] Are those actual worms or is it just something that's stripey?

Elliott Kalan

[11:25] No, these are actual worms.

Dan McCoy

[11:27] Yeah, they could be socks, robbers.

[11:28] And American flags.

[11:31] And in the foreground, there is...

[11:33] A zebra.

[11:34] Sort of a short gentleman who assumedly has the Big Johnson of the title.

[11:40] Yeah.

[11:40] And he is surrounded by...

[11:42] He's got two women flanking him.

[11:44] Their bathing suits appear to have shrunk in the wash.

[11:48] Yeah.

[11:48] Which is, you know, an upsetting thing to happen.

[11:51] He's got a...

[11:52] Yet they're still wearing them like real troopers.

[11:54] Yeah, they've got a...

[11:55] He's got a popcorn-style bucket full of worms.

[11:59] One of which is huge.

[12:02] It is drooping over the bucket.

[12:05] It really looks more like entrails than a worm.

[12:07] I assume this is to suggest a human phallus.

[12:11] But it looks like when Jenny Annie Dots pulls up, you know, her, like, yarn.

[12:15] And you're like, did she rip someone's stomach out?

[12:18] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[12:19] And the legend beneath...

[12:20] Give somebody the blood eagle.

[12:22] The legend beneath it says, you won't need to be a master baiter when she sees the size of your Johnson.

[12:30] So that's a ribbled T-shirt.

[12:34] Yeah, I mean, that's pretty straightforward.

Elliott Kalan

[12:36] Yeah, they're not really hiding it there.

[12:38] Now, you guys might be wondering.

[12:39] I had to...

[12:40] I was having trouble imagining what Dan was describing, so I did a Google search for this.

[12:43] And you'd be happy to know, yes, you can buy this image on a Christmas ornament.

Dan McCoy

[12:47] Oh, wow.

[12:48] Well, that's good to know.

[12:49] Yeah.

[12:49] So the next one I have here is...

Elliott Kalan

[12:52] In case you wanted to give your Christmas tree more of a Leisure Suit Larry vibe.

[12:55] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[12:56] The next one here I have is the Big Johnson School of Martial Arts.

[13:00] Now, I know what you're worried about.

[13:02] Are there depictions of Asian people that are stereotypical and terrible?

[13:11] There does appear to be one Asian man in the background, kind of a caricature maybe of like Bruce Lee.

[13:19] But, you know, not like ridiculously.

[13:23] It's mostly just your Caucasian Big Johnson fans.

[13:26] Better than 16 Candles, raves Dan McCoy.

[13:28] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[13:29] It's not a 16 Candles.

Elliott Kalan

[13:31] Which, it's also on his 16 Candles DVD, it says, not as good as this Big Johnson novelty shirt, raves Dan McCoy.

Dan McCoy

[13:41] So there's a lot of people just sort of fighting in the background.

[13:44] One of them is wearing, like, he's got a sport jacket and a henley on and he's holding a hat in his hands.

[13:54] Not really sure why he's in this dojo.

[13:58] But the guy who assumedly has this Big Johnson, there's a woman in a karate gi leaning over with cleavage.

[14:09] And he has split the wood in front of him.

[14:15] By my count, five planks.

[14:21] Theoretically, with his penis, because it is right at his penis that the split has occurred.

[14:26] And you can see that his underwear has fallen down.

[14:30] And the legend for this one says, it's not the color of your belt, but what's below it that counts.

[14:38] And I assume that by below the belt, they're referring again to genitals and not to his big toe or his knee.

[14:49] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[14:50] We can't know for sure because it's all below that belt, yeah.

[14:53] No, science hasn't done any research into this matter.

[14:59] Now, okay, so we're almost—

Elliott Kalan

[15:03] Dan, Dan, I wanted to mention, I've been a little confused up to this point because when I was a kid,

[15:08] for some reason I was under the impression that these were called Enormous Johnson, not Big Johnson.

[15:13] I did some research.

[15:14] The character's name is Enormous Johnson.

[15:16] The brand is Big Johnson.

[15:18] Oh, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[15:19] Yeah, you wouldn't want to confuse those in, say, like a middle school or something.

[15:22] No, you would get laughed out of school.

Elliott Kalan

[15:24] It makes me wonder again what the E stands for.

Dan McCoy

[15:28] Elevated.

[15:29] Elevated Normous Johnson.

[15:31] Of course, Elevated.

[15:32] It's a family name.

[15:34] Enormous is going to make an appearance at the very end here, but the penultimate shirt.

[15:39] Now, here we've got—what we've got is Johnson Deep Socket Wrenches.

[15:45] Johnson Deep Socket Wrenches.

[15:50] Now, we are at what appears to be sort of a service station.

Stuart Wellington

[15:55] Yeah, we're, like, entering, like, Facebook-targeted t-shirt ads level.

Dan McCoy

[15:59] Now, there's a car in the background, and it's got—this car has flames on it, but it also looks like kind of a classic car, not an aerodynamic car.

[16:10] Like, it looks like a bit of a buggy, but with flames on it, so it seems like they're confusing their sort of car person obsessions.

[16:21] You know, this is not a sports car.

[16:23] This is a classic car with flames.

[16:25] And then you got just a bunch of—

Stuart Wellington

[16:28] Like a rat rod?

[16:31] Yeah.

[16:31] Is that what that's called?

Dan McCoy

[16:33] Yeah, I mean, there's some onlookers in the background.

[16:37] There's, you know, a policeman who kind of looks like maybe he's a Don Nazi character who's swallowed something that doesn't agree with him.

Elliott Kalan

[16:45] So, like a fascist mobster, Don Nazi?

Dan McCoy

[16:49] Yeah, Don Nazi.

[16:51] There's another attendant who's wearing a Jughead hat, and his wrench is drooping.

[16:59] I mean, that's a crown, right?

Elliott Kalan

[17:00] When we come from Dan, we call those Leo Gorsi hats.

[17:03] Yeah?

[17:03] Because I come from the olden days.

[17:06] Mm-hmm.

[17:06] Now, Dan, it seems like there's a lot going on in this shirt, so much so that I've forgotten what the original brand was.

[17:14] The brand, sorry.

Dan McCoy

[17:16] Again, Johnson Socket Wrenches, and I will get to—yeah, now I'm getting to the main thrust of this, if you will.

[17:24] There's, again, a woman who appears to have large bosoms and has forgotten her bra based on the pointiness of what's going on.

[17:36] Sure.

[17:36] And a short gentleman in the front holding a giant, giant socket wrench over his shoulder.

Stuart Wellington

[17:44] Yeah, that's like a cloud strife buster sword of socket wrenches.

Dan McCoy

[17:47] Yeah, I'm not really, like—number one, he must be tremendously strong to hold this up.

[17:53] Number two, I'm not really sure what—

Elliott Kalan

[17:57] Well, is it like a fireman's carry hold?

[17:59] Because you can actually carry a lot more than it seems like you can if you do it over your shoulders in that manner.

Dan McCoy

[18:03] Well, it's slung over his shoulder.

[18:04] I just, like, there's no socket that is going to fit this wrench.

Stuart Wellington

[18:09] It's like guts from Berserk, where you're like, this doesn't make sense at all, but I still like it.

Dan McCoy

[18:14] Yeah, and underneath that is the words, you'll always get a nut off when you've got a big Johnson.

[18:22] Now, Elliot and Seward, I don't know if you're aware of this.

[18:25] This is a reference to human ejaculate.

Elliott Kalan

[18:29] Oh, yeah.

[18:30] No, no, I assume it's talking about removing, like, a bolt from something very—

[18:36] Maybe he's been hired to do some repair work on the Statue of Liberty, and that's why he needs a socket wrench of that size.

Stuart Wellington

[18:42] I thought it was when you get, like, a slice of fancy cake, and it's got some whipped cream on top with, like, a single nut, and you're like, I don't want to eat this fucking nut.

[18:51] I just want cake, baby.

[18:52] Yeah, you've got to get that nut off.

Elliott Kalan

[18:53] Use your socket wrench and just swing it like a cricket mallet, or a croquet mallet.

[18:57] Just hit it off of there.

[18:59] So, a cricket batter, I should say, not a croquet mallet.

[19:01] So, Dan, you're saying—so, what kind of nut would that be?

[19:04] I don't understand.

Stuart Wellington

[19:05] I can't believe you just fucked up that sports metaphor, Elliot, that sports reference you're trying to make.

Elliott Kalan

[19:09] I should never have ever tried it at all.

[19:12] Now, Dan, it seems like by not using a monkey wrench, they're leaving sort of a banana pun on the table.

[19:17] I hope that in the last shirt they rectify that.

[19:19] Is the last shirt a monkey wrench shirt?

Dan McCoy

[19:22] No, it zags on you there.

[19:24] This one here, finally, enormous shows up.

Stuart Wellington

[19:30] Now, I do want to point out, it seems like it's the same characters.

[19:34] Like, it's the same bosomy woman and the same enormous Johnson.

Elliott Kalan

[19:37] Oh, yeah, well, they're like the eternal champion, you know, constantly recurring through time and space in different but similar roles,

[19:45] forever forced to enact the same dramas, the same tragedies, with only the illusion of free will,

[19:50] because as the weights of time and the balances of the cosmos force their cold judgment,

[20:00] Big Johnson and his paramour are repeatedly brought together and separated through the, you know,

[20:06] the machinations of what can only be called an uncaring multiverse.

[20:11] Yeah, like a primordial chaos.

[20:13] Exactly.

[20:14] Yes, thank you.

Stuart Wellington

[20:15] I kind of see, like, Big Johnson's socket wrenches being, like, the Von Beck of the series, right?

Elliott Kalan

[20:22] Sure.

[20:25] Okay, well, lastly.

[20:27] So, I guess what?

[20:28] So, him, the bait shop would be Jerry Cornelius, and the rod would be Elric,

[20:32] because, of course, the fishing rod is Stormbringer.

[20:34] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[20:36] Or what's the name of his sword?

[20:38] I thought it was Stormbringer.

Elliott Kalan

[20:40] Oh, is it Stormbringer?

[20:40] I couldn't, oh, no, you know what?

[20:42] I got it mixed up with, in my mind, I was worried I got it mixed up with

[20:45] Better Ray Bill's hammer, which I think is called Stormbreaker.

[20:48] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[20:49] Okay, well, the final T-shirt.

[20:52] Finally, Elliot, your friend E-Normous shows up.

[20:56] Oh, finally.

[20:57] How's he doing?

[20:57] How's my old buddy E doing?

[20:58] Well, you know, you'll be happy to know he has gone through medical school.

[21:02] He's Dr. E-Normous Johnson.

[21:05] Oh, wow.

Stuart Wellington

[21:06] This is the post-credit scene of the Big Johnson T-shirt episode.

[21:10] Yeah.

[21:10] Now, Dr. E-Normous finally arrives.

Elliott Kalan

[21:13] Finally, have you heard of the shitty dick pun initiative?

Dan McCoy

[21:18] Now, Dr. Johnson here, now he has a thriving practice, it seems.

[21:25] All women who are waving money in the air as if they're at, say, a busy bar, something Stuart would be familiar with.

[21:36] And there's one woman who is on the examination table.

[21:42] She seems shocked by the size of the doctor's tongue depressor, which he is holding under his arm like a surfboard.

[21:53] Again, a sexy nurse in the background.

[21:58] They're taking numbers as if you were at a deli.

[22:02] They're serving patient number 104, apparently.

[22:06] And, yes, Dr. Johnson holding a big tongue depressor that says Johnson on it.

Elliott Kalan

[22:12] It's his own brand, or perhaps it's just a Johnson and Johnson tongue depressor.

Stuart Wellington

[22:15] Sounds like a harsh recrimination of the United States healthcare system.

[22:19] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[22:19] Well, I mean, people are going—

[22:21] People are so desperate that they're just mobbing this one doctor.

[22:25] Yeah.

[22:25] And all he has to provide is tongue depressors.

[22:27] That's the bare minimum and maximum of medical care.

Dan McCoy

[22:30] I mean, yeah, it's surprising that he's being mobbed in this way.

[22:33] He is wearing an extremely ill-fitting suit, some bags on his shoes, and he cannot seem to order the correct size of tongue depressor, which seems to be—

[22:44] No.

Elliott Kalan

[22:45] Well, he accidentally ordered the King Kong pack.

Dan McCoy

[22:48] Yeah.

[22:49] Yeah.

[22:49] And this slogan is, she'll always say, ah, when you're probing with a big Johnson.

[22:57] So that is, again, an unpleasant reference to the sexual congress between two people.

Elliott Kalan

[23:05] It's hard for me to think of anything less pleasant than that one, but I will.

[23:09] It's unerotic.

[23:09] I would say he doesn't take insurance, but he will take ins-her-ance.

[23:14] That's worse, right?

[23:15] Oh, no.

Dan McCoy

[23:16] That's—I mean, it's more belabored.

[23:18] Elliot, I've gone back in time.

[23:19] I mean, you're hired to write for enormous Johnson shirts.

Stuart Wellington

[23:24] Yeah, certainly you're hired to write for Dan's Twitter account.

Elliott Kalan

[23:29] I was doing some—while we were talking, I was doing some Googling because I was trying to look up other Johnson shirts that I remembered, and I saw one that I've never seen before, where it's him as a Confederate soldier with a kind of busty southern bell.

[23:42] And it says, stand back, baby, because the South's going to rise again.

[23:45] And somehow this is one of the less problematic of the big Johnson shirts.

Dan McCoy

[23:49] No, yeah, it's a terrible series of shirts.

[23:53] I apologize for inflicting this concept on everyone.

Elliott Kalan

[23:57] But what's fantastic is that I had totally forgotten the existence of these things.

[24:01] And then as soon as you said Big Johnson, I was like, oh, yeah, right.

[24:05] The shirts that, like, the bad kid at summer camp would wear.

Dan McCoy

[24:08] Yeah, this was, you know, this is a little bit of history for maybe listeners who are 10 or more years younger than us to know the trash of yesteryear that people would put on their bodies.

Stuart Wellington

[24:22] I do want to say that if anyone out there listening has access to any of these shirts and mails them to the Flophouse, I will make sure that Dan wears them the next time we do a live show.

[24:35] I didn't agree to that.

[24:38] I said, I mean, that's the thing.

[24:39] You say, I'll make sure you're going to beat me up.

Dan McCoy

[24:42] There's going to be a big They Live style battle backstage and put it on.

Stuart Wellington

[24:50] I was hoping that it would be more like trickery, like dangerous liaisons.

Elliott Kalan

[24:57] You somehow have rigged a shirt that looks like Dan's normal shirt.

[25:02] And yet when you, like, pull a thread, it tears off and one of these is underneath.

[25:06] And you don't pull it off until he walks right on stage.

Stuart Wellington

[25:09] Well, I'll hold on to the string and he'll go walking out on stage ready to, like, receive the applause and accolades of the listeners.

Elliott Kalan

[25:16] Well, that's like the first draft of that Weezer song.

[25:19] The booze and jeers.

[25:21] The first draft of that Weezer song was, if you want to see my Big Johnson shirt, just pull this thread as I walk away.

Stuart Wellington

[25:27] And Dan, unknowing, will be turning around to reveal the back of the shirt where the real action's happening.

Dan McCoy

[25:34] Stuart has made a shirt of spun sugar for me that will dissolve when he throws some water on it.

Elliott Kalan

[25:40] Well, he has to pretend to throw the water.

[25:42] Oh, oh, oh, I spilled it.

[25:43] Oh, sorry.

[25:44] No time for you to change shirts.

[25:45] We got to go out on stage now.

Stuart Wellington

[25:46] Yeah, that classic Encyclopedia Brown mystery where they find a dead body and just a puddle of spun sugar and they're like, how did this guy die?

Dan McCoy

[25:55] And he saw he was wearing an enormous Johnson shirt.

[26:00] It was so distressed.

[26:02] He immediately committed suicide.

Stuart Wellington

[26:05] Yeah.

[26:06] Clearly, he was stabbed with a knife made out of spun sugar.

[26:10] Okay, so nobody steal that.

[26:13] Nobody can steal that.

[26:14] That's TM Stuart Wellington, the spun sugar mystery.

Elliott Kalan

[26:18] Now, Dan, I'm glad you brought this up because, as you said, this is yesterday's trash.

[26:22] Yesterday's trash is tomorrow's strangely sacred art.

[26:27] So just as every now and then there'll be like a gorgeous coffee table book of Tijuana Bibles, which were essentially throwaway vulgar trash of the past.

[26:37] There someday will be a gorgeous Tashin coffee table book of Big Johnson images.

[26:42] And then 20 years after that, a Tashin book of deviant art pregnant sonic images.

Stuart Wellington

[26:50] Yeah, I think there was, wasn't there a, there's like, there's been art shows of bootleg Bart T-shirts of like bootleg Bart Simpson T-shirts.

[27:00] I would not be shocked if there's been at least one art show of Big Johnson shirts that obviously, hopefully, are on their way as we speak to the Flophouse mailbox.

Dan McCoy

[27:11] I mean, as someone who owns three to four books that are just trashy VHS covers of the past, I would totally have a book that is dumb novelty T-shirts.

[27:29] That would be hilarious, I think.

[27:33] So get on it.

Stuart Wellington

[27:33] How much time do you spend selecting your novelty art coffee table books for when company come over your life?

[27:41] Well, this is Audrey's parents, so I should pull out the one of like vintage French erotica.

Dan McCoy

[27:50] Yeah, I just pulled out that big butts book that Brett Ratner is reading in that one photo that gets circulated around the internet all the time.

[27:58] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[27:59] That's what that's like, my in-laws have a book on their shelf that just says erotic art along the side, and they have a lot of art books.

[28:06] I mean, they are art aficionados, and I've never had the guts to like just walk over and pick it up and look through it.

[28:13] Even now?

[28:15] Even now.

[28:15] After I've been married to their daughter for ten years, I've given them two grandchildren.

[28:20] I still am like, not going to touch it.

[28:22] Can't.

[28:22] I'll be thrown out.

Dan McCoy

[28:23] Look, Elliot, this next thing I'm going to say, I wish your in-laws a long and happy life, but I'm imagining you at the funeral, like sneaking away to finally open this book.

Elliott Kalan

[28:36] Just pretending I'm so overcome with emotion I have to leave, and I just tiptoe over to finally look in this forbidden tome.

Dan McCoy

[28:42] Your face melts like the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark when you open it.

Elliott Kalan

[28:45] I just assume if I picked it up, a net would fall on me from above and hoist me up, like Hephaestus catching Ares and Aphrodite in the act.

[28:54] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[28:56] Okay, well, that was my mini, guys.

[29:00] I hope you enjoyed it.

Stuart Wellington

[29:02] Dan, I think that was a pretty big mini.

[29:07] Get it?

[29:07] Thanks.

Elliott Kalan

[29:08] Mm-hmm.

[29:08] Thanks, buddy.

Stuart Wellington

[29:10] Were you already going to do that bit, step on it?

Elliott Kalan

[29:13] Yeah.

[29:14] Who, me?

[29:14] Or Dan?

Stuart Wellington

[29:16] No, I was wondering if Dan had like a big send-off thing where he was like, come up with a pun.

Elliott Kalan

[29:22] No, no, it's my job to step on Dan's bits ahead of time.

[29:25] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[29:26] Oh, you step on my bits?

[29:30] That's an enormous job, too.

[29:32] Anyway, so-

[29:33] Enormous bits.

Elliott Kalan

[29:34] They tried the enormous bits t-shirt line, and it was just a guy who had huge testicles and kind of a normal size.

[29:40] It did not do as well.

[29:43] All right.

[29:44] Well, it was enormous.

Stuart Wellington

[29:44] The problem is because it's normal size.

[29:46] It looks so much smaller.

Elliott Kalan

[29:48] Enormous bits demolition, and it was like, it'll knock you down with these wrecking balls.

[29:53] And guys, these shirts are just not moving.

[29:55] We just cannot move them.

Dan McCoy

[29:57] I wonder.

[29:58] I would like to think that there was like a test series of shirts that were all about people with giant testicles.

[30:08] It was like enormous, enormous.

[30:09] And they're like, oh, it turns out that our research was wrong.

[30:13] Men aren't as obsessed with having giant testicles as we thought.

Elliott Kalan

[30:17] Okay, let me take you through some of the failed shirts.

[30:20] Okay, thank you to the enormous Johnson guys, the big Johnson guys.

[30:22] You're doing great.

[30:23] Let's now turn into the red side of the ledger.

[30:27] Let's look at some of the shirts that have not been paying for themselves.

[30:30] The enormous bits team.

[30:31] Let's look through some of these.

[30:33] Enormous bits theaters.

[30:35] Shakespeare wasn't the only one with a couple of globes.

[30:37] And here we've got here enormous bits award trophies.

[30:41] Don't you get yourself a couple of golden globes?

[30:43] Again, we're seeing a lot of the same bits, but they're not quite working.

[30:47] We've done some market research.

[30:48] It turns out that many guys have fantasized about having an enormous penis.

[30:52] We all know, guys.

[30:53] We've all been there.

[30:54] Come on.

[30:54] The market research shows that no men have ever fantasized about having enormous testicles.

[30:59] I'm sure not no man.

[31:01] Statistical.

[31:02] A statistically irrelevant number of men.

Dan McCoy

[31:05] This enormous coconuts shirt you have that seems to be very concerned with how hairy these coconuts are.

[31:13] This seems to have a double flaw, which is the insistence on large coconuts and the insistence on hairy coconuts.

Elliott Kalan

[31:22] And the legend, as it's described at the bottom, hangs low, hairy as all get out.

[31:31] That's not – it just isn't selling well.

[31:34] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[31:35] Okay.

[31:36] Well, anyway, my point was –

Elliott Kalan

[31:38] And now going to – now, I wish that was the worst news we had at the meeting today, but even the enormous bits guys can be happy that they weren't behind the enormous one-butt-cheek shirts.

[31:51] This is apparently – you know what, guys?

[31:54] We're not even sending these to the stores.

[31:56] We're not even going to try these on the market.

Dan McCoy

[31:57] They just –

[31:58] The shirt that advertises how bad your back pain will be from sitting on just one enormous bunchy.

Elliott Kalan

[32:06] We've had a lot of – we've had a lot of – the beanbag one, we're not releasing that.

[32:09] The airbag one, we're not releasing it.

[32:11] We've had enough complaints just from the guys working the line down at the factory that we're just not going to release these.

[32:15] We're going to just send them to some poor country somewhere, and kids can wear them.

[32:19] We can't afford regular shirts.

[32:20] That's just a tax write-off.

[32:21] So, guys, let's just – I think let's focus on just the penis for now, and let's leave the other body parts just off the table.

Dan McCoy

[32:30] What if the guy behind the big Johnson shirts had no idea that they were all double entendres?

Elliott Kalan

[32:38] I don't know why these are selling, but –

[32:41] He's like, people love the idea of one huge everyday item.

[32:44] It's – you know, they just – who wouldn't want to walk around with a giant wrench?

[32:48] Come on.

[32:49] People would be like, look at that big wrench.

Dan McCoy

[32:54] Okay.

[32:54] Well, okay.

[32:55] After so many false endings, I think we've arrived at the real one.

[32:59] If you've liked this, it's totally different than what we normally do.

Elliott Kalan

[33:03] And if you liked it, then – well, we've got more questions for you.

Dan McCoy

[33:09] But tune in for a full-length episode about a bad movie.

[33:15] Often we have great guests.

[33:17] Sometimes we just have us talking about stuff like this.

Stuart Wellington

[33:20] Yeah, and next episode is Cagemas, right?

Dan McCoy

[33:23] Yeah, Cagemas.

[33:25] Not falling in December this year, but shortly thereafter.

[33:29] And Josh Gondelman, the internet's nicest person, will be on with us.

[33:36] That's great.

[33:36] To talk Nicolas Cage.

Elliott Kalan

[33:38] We're going to try our best to make him say something mean about the movie.

[33:41] Uh-huh.

[33:41] Hee-hee.

Dan McCoy

[33:42] Thank you, as always, to Jordan Cowling for doing the editing and production and making it sound good.

[33:53] Thank you to Maximum Fun, our network.

[33:56] Go to MaximumFun.org to listen to a lot of other great shows on the network.

[34:03] You know, maybe like iPodius, say, with Elliot Kalin as well.

[34:07] Or one of the ones that doesn't have any of our annoying voices on it.

[34:13] But, you know, rate, review, subscribe, all that YouTube junk.

[34:18] But for this Flophouse Mini, I've been Dan McCoy.

[34:22] I've been Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[34:24] And I've been very ashamed at the things that I said in this mini.

[34:28] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[34:30] Bye.

[34:37] MaximumFun.org

S4

[34:39] Comedy and culture.

[34:41] Artist owned.

[34:42] Audience supported.

FH Mini #20 - Novel Tees

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