FH Mini #20 - Novel Tees

[0:00] hey everybody uh this is a flop house mini normally we talk about a bad movie or such

[0:10] but on off weeks we do you know we just take the road less traveled by and that makes all the

[0:18] baby what we we travel by a tiny little baby yeah we travel okay sure we travel by a baby we say hi

[0:28] baby we wave to it on the side of the road we don't worry that it has no parents around

[0:33] and it's like uh and under the skin when a child no no it's it's one of those new babies that can

[0:39] take care of themselves yeah okay well the new ones they have coming out now anyway the point

[0:44] is uh on these minis we uh do something i mean did you guys you guys ever notice that on muppet

[0:49] babies they're supposed to nanny is just socks she's not a real person she's just an ambulatory

[0:54] pair of socks there's nothing above those socks yeah yeah that's did you ever think about that

[0:57] how does she how does she change their diapers with her with her toes i guess we've got to assume

[1:04] so yeah that's pretty cool this the socks are kind of like a tim burton sandworm too

[1:11] in that they're striped you're just saying that they're striped that's all in that they're

[1:15] striped yeah that's the way i describe stripes dan walks by a barber shop and he goes ah a sandworm

[1:20] He goes, no, it's just a barber pole, Dan

[1:22] Look over there, a sandworm, a tiny one

[1:24] It's just a candy cane, Dan

[1:25] If a criminal escapes from jail

[1:28] And they're asking me for a description

[1:31] I'm like, I don't know, they ran past me

[1:33] In a shirt that looked like a Tim Burton sandworm

[1:35] I mean, you know, criminals usually wear like orange jumpsuits

[1:39] Not the black and white striped

[1:41] Robber tops that Hamburger wears

[1:43] Are you thinking of the Beagle Boys?

[1:45] I'm thinking of the Beagle Boys

[1:47] I'm almost always thinking of the Beagle Boys

[1:50] You remember that famous story when Madison Square Garden thought they had booked the Beastie Boys, but it was actually the Beagle Boys, and they just robbed all the ducks in the audience?

[1:58] Yeah.

[1:59] That was Mallardson Square Garden.

[2:03] Okay, well, anyway, the point is, normally we are a podcast about bad movies.

[2:12] This is an off week, and I just wanted to say to you guys, we've talked a lot about bad movies.

[2:18] And occasionally, we've done some bad TV in our bonus episodes.

[2:22] But there's a lot of other bad media out there we just haven't.

[2:27] There is Dan McCoy, and I'm Elliot Kalin, and the other one is Stuart Wellington.

[2:30] Continue, Dan.

[2:31] Just thought I'd get that business out of the way.

[2:32] Oh, I'm sorry.

[2:33] It was also bad podcasts, apparently.

[2:35] Is it my fault that I forgot that after you guys talked for 10 minutes, we hadn't introduced ourselves?

[2:40] I mean, usually you start with the introduction.

[2:42] But yeah, so there's a lot of other bad media out there, Dan.

[2:45] There's a lot of other bad media out there.

[2:47] I thought we were leaving some money on the table.

[2:50] So in this mini, I'd like to focus on some bad t-shirts.

[2:54] So this is a bad media money mini t-shirt edition.

[2:57] Yeah.

[2:58] Now, in the spirit of synopsizing the plots of movies,

[3:02] I'm going to describe to you guys some big Johnson t-shirts.

[3:07] The 90s premier source of penis-based double entendres.

[3:12] And I just want to pull one up.

[3:15] And this is not to be confused with Huge Woody's brand of t-shirts.

[3:18] No, no.

[3:19] For the young people listening at home, Enormous Johnson's was a brand of cartoon t-shirt,

[3:25] not based on any pre-existing IP property, which is a redundant thing to say that P and

[3:30] IP is property, but just about a nerdy-looking guy who, off-camera, has a huge penis.

[3:36] And for some reason, this was considered not only acceptable in middle schools nationwide,

[3:41] but mandatory that children had to wear it in middle schools,

[3:44] along with the co-ed naked sports league t-shirts,

[3:47] which were also very big at the time.

[3:48] And this like big Johnson guys always standing next to something like big and

[3:53] suggestive of a phallus, right?

[3:55] Well, don't, yeah, just don't, you know, don't get ahead of ourselves.

[3:58] I'm going to describe them to the audience.

[3:59] Let me pump the brakes of my penis shit car.

[4:02] When you said big Johnson guys,

[4:04] I thought you were talking about the guys who wore big Johnson t-shirts,

[4:09] in which case you were talking about the coolest guys in the world.

[4:12] So this first T-shirt says...

[4:18] And Dan, these are all from your personal collection?

[4:20] Yes, these are from the Dan McCoy archives housed in the Smithsonian.

[4:26] Yeah, they're on mannequins that have Dan McCoy faces projected on them

[4:31] like the Jean-Paul Gaultier Museum.

[4:33] Yeah, like the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland.

[4:37] This first shirt has Johnson in bright orange letters and then much smaller letters, fishing rods.

[4:44] The legend – so there's a picture here.

[4:48] Oh, what a legend it is, the legend of Johnson fishing rods.

[4:51] There's a picture here.

[4:52] There's a person in the back who's driving the boat and then there's three –

[5:01] Oh, we just learned there's a boat.

[5:02] OK.

[5:02] They're on a boat.

[5:04] there's uh three ladies in bikinis and there's this uh sort of a nerdy looking fellow in the

[5:11] front with uh the orange uh glasses of the same shade of johnson and uh he's got a he's got a

[5:19] orange glasses of the same shade of johnson oh sorry the word johnson yes okay thank you i was

[5:26] like dan your johnson should not be no this is unless you've been unless you've been indulging

[5:31] in what i would call self-pleasure by cheeto yeah you should it should be more of a uh of a caucasian

[5:38] flesh color in your case 90s um quality color printing so i would say there seems to be let's

[5:46] see let's count up the colors there's the orange one there's black two blue three yellow four

[5:54] brown five and then there's sort of a a greeny blue six now i remember these i remember these

[6:01] johnson t-shirts as being much more professional looking than say the ninja turtles or simpsons

[6:06] t-shirts my dad would buy on his way home from work in the city back to new jersey which always

[6:11] had the colors the characters totally wrong well i guess these are more professional than

[6:16] bootleg t-shirts less professional than basically any other t-shirt and um so there are three uh

[6:24] bikini ladies one of them's on their way to the manger they're on a boat they're following

[6:30] enormous johnson to where the new shepherd lord is born one of them is holding a bait can one of

[6:37] them is holding a a can of some sort of drink of indeterminate type i assume some sort of sweet brew

[6:43] uh the the it's like a lemonade the um the boat has the uh the name of the boat is catching the

[6:54] snapper and a thought that i've never seen on a boat before just sort of a thought that you might

[6:59] find on a word processor well like wings or something yeah and and dan you know boats if

[7:05] there's anyone who knows boat fonts it's dan boat font mccoy the man who literally wrote the book

[7:11] about maritime topography it's called words on the water and fire in your eyes now a guide in

[7:18] the history to maritime topography topography but well um and the slogan underneath is it's easy to

[7:25] reel them in when you've got

[7:27] a Big Johnson. Now, that is

[7:29] a double entendre

[7:31] referring to the size of this

[7:34] unprepossessing

[7:36] gentleman's penis.

[7:37] Yeah. Apparently

[7:39] he has a larger penis than you would expect.

[7:41] And the name of the boat is also a

[7:43] double entendre. Yeah. Wait, really?

[7:45] As snapper being

[7:47] a term for, I guess,

[7:49] the kind of vagina that just bites

[7:52] your dick right off.

[7:53] like in the movie teeth exactly like in the movie teeth or the movie mrs doubtfire stewart what were

[7:58] you gonna say i was gonna say uh does this fella does he have a look on his face like he's surprised

[8:03] or he's got like a secret or he's just kind of like this is um the i mean like how puckish does

[8:11] he look how puckish how impish he looks a little impish a little puckish i think these escalate as

[8:17] They go on to some degree

[8:19] This one

[8:21] He just kind of looks bemused

[8:23] At his luck

[8:24] At having this above average

[8:28] Fishing reel

[8:29] Slash penis

[8:30] You're saying he's got a classic

[8:33] It's a living type expression

[8:35] Is that what I'm guessing

[8:36] Except what he's saying is it's a penis

[8:38] So this is

[8:40] Shirt number one of twenty

[8:43] I'm assuming

[8:43] Shirt number one of five

[8:47] oh then i then i do have time dan how does this relate to are you familiar with the happy

[8:52] fisherman iconography which is of course not okay this is something that a fellow daily show writer

[8:57] had up in his office which shows the difference when you're at a comedy show uh this is an image

[9:02] of a fisherman who from the waist up appears to just be a regular fisherman just wading way steep

[9:07] into the water and from the waist down under the water you can see that he is pantsless and a fish

[9:11] is fish-lating him under the water.

[9:14] Wow, Dan's loving it.

[9:16] Now, that's the kind of thing you would see.

[9:18] That's more of a 1970s, I guess, type of novelty item.

[9:21] This is more of a 1990s.

[9:22] You know, I like that guy's sort of, like,

[9:27] take-life-as-it-comes attitude.

[9:29] Yeah.

[9:29] He's like, but wait, I thought I ordered the fish sticks.

[9:36] Right?

[9:38] Jordan, edit that out.

[9:41] Edit my joke out and put something funnier in it.

[9:44] Put some applause in after it.

[9:45] Jordan, crank up the funny by 20% on that joke.

[9:48] Yeah, just put humored up by about 50% to 60%.

[9:53] Now, the question is, did this fisherman intend for this to happen,

[9:58] or is this a Ray Stans dream sequence in Ghostbuster-type scenario?

[10:02] A lucky accident.

[10:08] Now, the second shirt, the Big Johnson logo has evolved a lot in this one.

[10:13] It's more of kind of a, you know, it's got more attitude or baditude or ratitude, as you might say.

[10:22] Oh, yeah.

[10:22] So it's like backwards.

[10:24] It's like the way that Death's logo went from, like, super cool and, like, sketched on to, like, more serious.

[10:31] This is like it's going backwards.

[10:33] It's regressing to even cooler and weirder.

[10:36] Awesome.

[10:36] This logo's great

[10:38] Big Johnson

[10:39] And then it's a bait shack

[10:42] Big Johnson bait shack

[10:43] So he's still fishing, continuing the nautical theme

[10:45] Continuing fishing

[10:47] There's all sorts of shenanigans

[10:50] In the background

[10:51] Like this is a Jack Davis sort of cartoon

[10:54] Sergio Aragonese

[10:55] He might have been doing art

[10:58] For the classic comedy film

[10:59] It's a big, big, big, big dick

[11:01] I'm not going to describe everything

[11:04] That's going on in the background

[11:05] but we got a guy who's frozen in the ice machine someone's being strangled by uh worms

[11:12] um also another guy seems to be being attacked by an octopus now now real quick dan are those

[11:20] actual worms or is it just something that's stripey uh no these are actual worms yeah they

[11:27] could be socks robbers and american flags and in the foreground there is a zebra sort of a short

[11:35] gentleman who uh assumedly has the big johnson of the title yeah and he is surrounded by he's got

[11:43] two women flanking him their uh bathing suits appear to have shrunk in the wash yeah which is

[11:49] um you know an upsetting thing to happen he's got a yet they're still wearing them like real

[11:54] troopers yeah they've got a pot he's got a popcorn style bucket full of worms one of which is huge

[12:01] is drooping over the bucket it really looks more like entrails than a worm i assume this is to

[12:08] suggest a human phallus but it looks like when jenny any dots uh pulls up you know her like yarn

[12:15] and you're like is she did she rip someone's stomach out yeah yeah and uh the legend somebody

[12:21] the blood eagle the legend beneath it says you won't need to be a master baiter when she sees

[12:28] the size of your johnson so that's that's a that's a ribald t-shirt i mean that's pretty

[12:34] straightforward that's yeah it's uh they're not really hiding it there now uh you guys might be

[12:39] wondering i had to i could i having trouble imagining what dan was describing so i did a

[12:42] google search for this and you'll be happy to know yes you can buy this image on a christmas

[12:46] ornament oh wow let's get to know yeah so uh the next one i have here in case you wanted to give

[12:52] your christmas tree more of a leisure suit larry vibe yeah yeah the next one here i have is uh the

[12:58] big johnson school of martial arts now i know what you're worried about are there um depictions of

[13:06] asian people that are stereotypical and terrible uh there is there does appear to be one uh asian

[13:14] man the background kind of a caricature maybe of like uh a bruce lee but he you know not

[13:20] not like ridiculously like it's mostly just your caucasian big better than 16 candles raves dan

[13:28] mccoy yeah yeah yeah it's not it's not a 16 which it's also on his on his uh 16 candles

[13:35] dvd it says not as good as this big johnson novelty shirt raves dan mccoy so there's a lot

[13:42] of people just sort of fighting in the background one of them is wearing um like he's got a a sport

[13:50] jacket and a henley on and he's got he's holding a hat in his hands not really sure why he's in

[13:56] this dojo but um the guy who assumedly has this big johnson um there's a a woman in a karate gi

[14:07] leaning over with cleavage and he has split the um the the wood in front of him uh by my count

[14:17] uh five planks um theoretically with his penis because it is right at his penis that the split

[14:26] has occurred and you can see that his underwear has fallen down and um the legend for this one

[14:33] says it's not the color of your belt but what's below it that counts and i i assume that by below

[14:42] the belt they're referring again to genitals and not to his uh big toe or his knee yeah yeah

[14:50] or we can't know for sure because they're all it's all below that belt yeah no science hasn't

[14:55] done any research into this um this matter now okay so so we're almost what i i wanted to mention

[15:05] i've been a little confused up to this point because when i was a kid for some reason i was

[15:08] under the impression that these were called enormous johnson not big johnson i did some

[15:13] research the character's name is enormous johnson the brand is big johnson okay yeah you wouldn't

[15:19] want to confuse those in say like a middle school or something yeah you would get laughed out of

[15:24] school it makes me wonder again what the e stands for uh elevated elevated enormous johnson of

[15:31] course it's a family name yeah yeah we're gonna enormous is gonna make an appearance at the very

[15:36] end here but uh the penultimate shirt now here we've got what we've got is johnson deep socket

[15:43] socket wrenches johnson very niche market socket wrenches now we are at uh what appears to be

[15:53] sort of a service station yeah we're like entering like facebook targeted at t-shirt ads level yeah

[15:59] now there there's a car in the background and it's got this car has flames on it but it also

[16:06] looks like kind of a classic car not an aerodynamic car like it it looks like a bit of a buggy but with

[16:13] flames on it so it seems like they're confusing their sort of car person uh obsessions you know

[16:21] this is not a sports car this is a classic car with flames and then you got um just a bunch of

[16:28] like a rat rod yeah that's called yeah i mean there's some onlookers at the background uh

[16:37] there's you know a a policeman who kind of looks like maybe he's a don nazi character who's

[16:43] swallowed something that doesn't agree with him so like a so like a so like a fascist mobster don

[16:48] nazi yeah it's on nazi uh there's a uh there's another uh attendant who's wearing a jughead hat

[16:56] and his wrench is drooping i mean that's right i come from dan we call those leo gorsi hats

[17:02] yeah because i come from the olden days now uh dan it seems like there's a lot going on

[17:10] in this shirt so much so that i've forgotten what the original brand was the brand sorry

[17:15] again johnson socket wrenches and i will get to yeah uh now i'm getting to the main

[17:20] thrust of this uh if you will um there's a again a woman who appears to have

[17:28] um uh large bosoms and has forgotten her bra based on the pointiness of what's going on

[17:36] and a short gentleman in the front holding a giant giant socket wrench um yeah that's like

[17:44] that's like a cloud strife buster sword of socket wrenches yeah i'm not really like number one he

[17:51] must be tremendously strong to hold this up number two i'm not really sure what um well is it like a

[17:58] fireman's carry holds because you can actually carry a lot more than it seems like you can if

[18:01] you do it well it's slung over his shoulder i just like there's no socket that is going to

[18:07] fix it's like fit this wrench it's like guts from berserk where you're like this doesn't make sense

[18:12] at all but i still like it yeah and underneath that is the words you'll always get a nut off

[18:20] when you've got a big johnson now uh elliot and sir i don't know if you're aware of this this is

[18:25] a reference to uh human ejaculate oh yeah i no no i assume it's talking about removing like a bolt

[18:33] uh okay from something maybe he's being maybe he's been hired to do some repair work on the

[18:38] statue of liberty and that's why he needs a socket wrench of that size i thought it was uh when you

[18:43] get like a slice of fancy cake and it's got some uh whipped cream on top with like a single nut

[18:49] and you're like i don't want to eat this fucking nut i just want cake baby yeah you gotta get that

[18:53] nut off use your socket wrench and just swing it like a base like a cricket mallet a croquet mallet

[18:57] just hit it off of there uh so a cricket bat i should say not in the croquet mallet so dan you're

[19:02] saying so but what's so what kind of nut would that be i don't understand i can't believe you

[19:05] You just fucked up that sports metaphor, Elliot, that sports reference you're trying to make.

[19:09] I should never have ever tried it at all.

[19:12] Now, Dan, it seems like by not using a monkey wrench, they're leaving sort of a banana pun on the table.

[19:17] I hope that in the last shirt they rectify that.

[19:19] Is the last shirt a monkey wrench shirt?

[19:21] No, it zags on you there.

[19:24] This one here finally enormous shows up.

[19:29] Now, I do want to point out it seems like it's the same characters.

[19:34] Like it's the same bosomy woman and the same Enormous Johnson.

[19:37] They're like the Eternal Champion, you know, constantly recurring through time and space in different but similar roles, forever forced to enact the same dramas, the same tragedies, with only the illusion of free will.

[19:50] Because as the weights of time and the balances of the cosmos force their cold judgment, Big Johnson and his paramour are repeatedly brought together and separated through the machinations of what can only be called an uncaring multiverse.

[20:11] Yeah, like a primordial chaos.

[20:13] Exactly. Yes, thank you.

[20:15] I kind of see, like, Big Johnson's socket wrench as being, like, the Von Beck of the series, right?

[20:21] Sure.

[20:22] Okay, well, lastly—

[20:27] So, I guess what?

[20:27] So, him, the bait shop would be Jerry Cornelius, and the rod would be Elric, because, of course, the fishing rod is Stormbringer.

[20:34] Yeah.

[20:35] Or what's the name of his sword?

[20:37] I thought it was Stormbringer.

[20:40] Oh, is it Stormbringer?

[20:40] I couldn't—oh, no, you know what?

[20:42] I got it mixed up with—in my mind, I was worried I got it mixed up with—

[20:45] better a bill's a hammer which i think is called stormbreaker yeah okay well the final uh t-shirt

[20:52] uh finally elliot your friend enormous shows up uh finally how's he doing how's my old buddy

[20:58] well you know you'll be happy to know he has gone through medical school he's dr enormous johnson

[21:05] yep this is the this is the post-credit scene of the big johnson t-shirt episode yeah now

[21:11] enormous finally arrives finally have you heard of the have you heard of the shitty dick pun

[21:17] initiative now dr johnson here uh now he has a thriving practice it seems um all all women who

[21:27] are uh waving money in the air as if they're at say a busy bar uh something stewart would be

[21:34] familiar with um the and uh there's a one woman who is on the examination table she seems

[21:43] shocked by the size of the uh the doctor's tongue depressor which he is holding under his arm like

[21:52] a surfboard uh again uh a sexy nurse in the background uh they're taking numbers as if you

[22:00] were at a deli they're uh serving patient number 104 apparently and uh yes dr johnson holding a big

[22:09] tongue depressor that says johnson on it it's his own brand or perhaps it's just a johnson and

[22:15] johnson sounds like a harsh recrimination of the united states health care system but yeah well i

[22:20] mean people are going are so desperate that they're just mobbing this one doctor and all he has to

[22:26] provide his tongue depressors that's the the bare minimum of and maximum of medical care i mean yeah

[22:31] it is surprising that he's being mobbed in this way he uh is wearing an extremely ill-fitting

[22:36] suit uh some bags on his shoes and he cannot seem to order the correct size of tongue depressor

[22:43] which seems to be no well he accidentally accidentally ordered the king kong pack

[22:48] yeah yeah and uh this slogan is she'll always say ah when you're probing with a big johnson

[22:57] so that is again an unpleasant reference to the sexual congress between two people the only it's

[23:05] hard for me to think of anything less pleasant than that one but i will i would say he doesn't

[23:10] He doesn't take insurance, but he will take insherence.

[23:14] That's worse, right?

[23:15] No, that's—I mean, it's more belabored.

[23:19] And you're hired to write for enormous Johnson shirts.

[23:24] Yeah, certainly you're hired to write for Dan's Twitter account.

[23:27] Now, I was doing some—while we were talking, I was doing some Googling

[23:32] because I was trying to look up other Johnson shirts that I remembered,

[23:35] and I saw one that I've never seen before where it's him as a Confederate soldier

[23:40] with a kind of busty southern bell and it says stand back baby because the south's gonna rise

[23:45] again and somehow this is one of the less problematic of the big johnson shirts no yeah

[23:50] it's a terrible it's a terrible uh a series of shirts i apologize for inflicting this concept

[23:56] on everyone but what's fantastic is that i had totally forgotten the existence of these things

[24:01] and then as soon as you said big johnson i was like oh yeah right the shirts that like the bad

[24:06] kid at summer camp would wear yeah this was uh you know this is a little bit of history for maybe

[24:13] listeners who are 10 or more years younger than us to know the the trash of yesteryear that people

[24:21] put on their bodies i do want to say that if anyone out there listening has access to any of

[24:27] these shirts and mails them to the flop house i will make sure that dan wears them the next time

[24:32] we do a live show i didn't agree to that i said i'll i mean that's the thing i think i'll make

[24:40] sure you're gonna beat me up there's gonna be a big they live style battle backstage and put it

[24:48] on i was i was hoping that it would be more like uh like trickery like dangerous liaisons

[24:56] you you somehow have rigged a one of a shirt that looks like dan's normal shirt and yet when you

[25:03] like pull a thread it tears off and one of these is underneath and you don't pull it off till he

[25:07] walks right on stage you know well i'll hold on to the string and he'll go walking out on stage

[25:12] ready to like receive the applause and accolades of the listeners and well that's like that the

[25:17] first draft of that they'll quickly turn to booze and jeers the first of that draft that

[25:22] if you want to see my big johnson shirt just pull this thread as i walk away and dan unknowing will

[25:29] be turning around to reveal the back of the shirt where the real action's happening stewart has made

[25:35] a shirt of spun sugar for me that will dissolve when you throw some water on it well he has to

[25:40] pretend to throw the water yeah oh i spilled it oh sorry no time for you to change shirts we got

[25:45] to go out on stage now yeah that classic encyclopedia brown mystery where they find a

[25:49] dead body and just a puddle of spun sugar and they're like how did this guy die he saw he was

[25:56] wearing an enormous wearing an enormous johnson shirt it was so distressed he immediately committed

[26:04] suicide yeah clearly he was stabbed with a knife made out of spun sugar okay so uh nobody nobody

[26:12] steal that nobody can steal that that's tm stewart wellington the spun sugar um mystery

[26:17] now dan i'm glad you brought this up because uh as you said this is yesterday's trash yesterday's

[26:23] trash is tomorrow's uh strangely sacred art and so just as every now and then there'll be like a

[26:29] like a gorgeous coffee table book of tijuana bibles which were essentially throwaway vulgar

[26:34] trash of the past uh there someday will be a a gorgeous tashin coffee table book of big johnson

[26:42] images and then 20 years after that a tashin book of deviant art pregnant sonic images

[26:47] uh yeah i think there was wasn't there a uh there's like there's been art shows of bootleg

[26:55] bart t-shirts of like uh bootleg bart simpson t-shirts uh i would not be shocked if there's

[27:02] been at least one art show of uh big johnson shirts that obviously hopefully are on their

[27:08] way as we speak to the flop house mail i mean as someone who owns three to four books that are just

[27:19] trashy vhs covers of the past i would totally uh have a book that is dumb novelty t-shirts

[27:28] that would be hilarious i think so how much time how much time do you spend selecting your novelty

[27:37] coffee table books

[27:39] for when company come over your life

[27:41] well this is Audrey's parents

[27:44] so I should pull out the one

[27:46] of like vintage French erotica

[27:48] yeah I just pull out that big

[27:52] butts book that Brett Ratner

[27:54] is reading in that one photo

[27:56] that gets circulated around the internet all the time

[27:58] yeah

[27:58] that's like my in-laws

[28:02] have a book on their shelf that just says erotic

[28:04] art along the side and they have a lot of art

[28:06] books i mean that's the they they are they are art aficionados and i've never had the guts to

[28:11] like just walk over and pick it up and look through it even now even now after i've been

[28:16] i've been married to their daughter for 10 years i've i've given them two grandchildren

[28:19] i still am like not gonna touch it can't you know look elliot this next thing i'm gonna say

[28:25] i wish your in-laws a long and happy life but i'm imagining you at the funeral like sneaking

[28:33] away to finally

[28:35] open this book. Just pretending

[28:37] I'm so overcome with emotion I have to leave

[28:39] and I just tiptoe over to finally look

[28:41] in this forbidden tome. Your face melts

[28:43] like the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark

[28:45] when you open it. I just assume if I picked it up

[28:47] a net would fall on me from above

[28:48] and hoist me up like Hephaestus

[28:51] catching Ares and Aphrodite

[28:53] in the act. Yeah.

[28:54] Okay, well

[28:57] that was my many

[28:59] guys. I hope you enjoyed it.

[29:02] Dan, I think that was a pretty big mini.

[29:06] Get it?

[29:07] Thanks.

[29:08] Thanks, mini.

[29:09] Were you already going to do that bit, step on it?

[29:12] Yeah.

[29:14] Who, me or Dan?

[29:15] No, I was wondering if Dan had, like, a big send-off thing where he was, like, going to come up with a pun.

[29:22] No, no, it's my job to step on Dan's bits ahead of time.

[29:25] Okay.

[29:26] Oh, you step on my bits?

[29:28] That's an enormous job.

[29:32] anyway so enormous bits that's they tried the enormous bits uh t-shirt line and it was just

[29:38] a guy who had huge testicles and kind of a normal size penis and it did not do as well

[29:42] because it's normal size it looks so much smaller enormous bits demolition and it was like it'll

[29:50] knock you down with these with these wrecking balls and guys these shirts are just not moving

[29:55] we just cannot move them i wonder i i would like to think that there was like a test a test series

[30:03] of shirts that were all about people with giant testicles it was like turns out that our research

[30:11] was wrong uh men aren't as obsessed with having giant testicles as we thought okay let me take

[30:18] you through some of the uh failed shirts okay thank you to the enormous johnson guys the big

[30:21] johnson guys you're doing great uh let's now turning to the red side of the ledger uh let's

[30:27] look at some of the shirts that have not been paying for themselves the enormous bits team

[30:31] let's look through some of these enormous bits theaters shakespeare wasn't the only one with a

[30:36] couple of globes and here we've got here uh enormous bits award trophies don't you get

[30:42] yourself a couple of golden globes again it's we're seeing a lot of the same bits but they're

[30:46] not quite working we don't we've done some market research it turns out that many guys have fantasized

[30:51] about having an enormous penis we all know guys we've all been there come on we the market research

[30:55] shows that no men have ever fantasized about having enormous testicles i'm sure not no man

[31:00] statistical statistically a statistically irrelevant number of men this enormous coconuts

[31:07] shirt you have that seems to be very uh concerned with how hairy these coconuts are

[31:12] this seems to have a double flaw which is the the the insistence on large coconuts insistence on

[31:20] hairy coconuts and and the the legend as it's described at the bottom uh hangs low hairy as

[31:28] all get out that's that's not it just isn't it just isn't selling well yeah uh okay well anyway

[31:36] my point was um and now going to now and here now i wish that was the worst news we had at the

[31:42] meeting today but even the enormous bits guys could uh can be happy that they weren't behind

[31:47] the enormous one butt cheek shirts this is apparently you know what guys we're not even

[31:54] sending these to the stores we're not even gonna try these on the market they just the shirt that

[31:59] advertises how bad your back pain will be from sitting on just one enormous butt cheek we've

[32:06] had a lot of we've had a lot of the beanbag one we're not releasing that the airbag one we're not

[32:10] releasing it we've had enough complaints just from the guys working the line down at the factory that

[32:14] We're just not going to release these.

[32:15] We're going to just send them to some poor country somewhere and kids can wear them.

[32:19] We can't afford regular shirts.

[32:20] That's just a tax write-off.

[32:21] So, guys, let's just – I think let's focus on just the penis for now.

[32:26] And let's leave the other body parts just off the table.

[32:29] What if the guy behind the big Johnson shirts had no idea that they were all double entendres?

[32:37] I don't know why these are selling, but –

[32:41] He's like, people love the idea of one huge everyday item.

[32:44] It's, you know, they just, who wouldn't want to walk around with a giant wrench?

[32:48] Come on.

[32:48] People would be like, look at that big wrench.

[32:51] Okay.

[32:54] Well, okay.

[32:55] After so many false endings, I think we've arrived at the real one.

[32:59] If you've liked this, it's totally different than what we normally do.

[33:03] And if you, if you liked it, then I, well, we've got more questions for you.

[33:09] But tune in for a full-length episode about a bad movie.

[33:14] Often we have great guests.

[33:17] Sometimes we just have us talking about stuff like this.

[33:19] Yeah, and next episode is Cagemas, right?

[33:23] Yeah, Cagemas.

[33:24] Not falling in December this year, but shortly thereafter.

[33:28] And Josh Gondelman, the Internet's nicest person,

[33:33] will be on with us to talk Nicolas Cage.

[33:37] we're gonna try our best to make him say something mean about the movie

[33:41] thank you as always to jordan cowling for doing uh the editing and production and making it sound

[33:52] good uh thank you to maximum fun our network go to maximum fun.org to listen to a lot of other

[33:59] great shows on the network um you know maybe like uh ipodius say with elliot calen as well

[34:07] or one of the ones that doesn't have any of our annoying voices on yeah uh but uh you know rate

[34:14] review subscribe all that youtube junk uh but for this flop house mini i've been dan mccoy

[34:21] i've been steward wellington and i've been very ashamed at the things that i said in this mini

[34:28] I'm Elliot Kalin

[34:29] bye

FH Mini #20 - Novel Tees

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