FH Mini 21 - Stuey Goes to Hollywood

Stuart Wellington

[0:00] Hey there, and welcome to another Flophouse Mini, a shorter off-week episode of a podcast

[0:10] that's normally about watching bad movies and talking about it, but on these minis we

[0:14] just kind of talk about whatever the fuck.

[0:16] I'm your host, Stuart Wellington, and joining me are my co-hosts...

[0:20] Dan McCoy.

[0:22] And Elliot Kalan.

Elliott Kalan

[0:25] Hey guys, do you like my vocal fry?

Stuart Wellington

[0:28] No, I don't.

[0:30] Hey, does that burger come with a side of fries?

Elliott Kalan

[0:38] Uh-huh, uh-huh.

[0:39] You know, in England they call it vocal chips.

[0:44] They do, huh?

Stuart Wellington

[0:47] That's cool.

[0:48] That's for sure.

[0:49] Now guys, times have been a little bit tough for everybody for, well, a lot of reasons,

[0:56] at least for me.

[0:57] We're going to focus on me, though.

[0:59] Me is, it's all about me today.

[1:01] Well, that's why we have this time, Stu, so you can, this is your time, you know, that

Elliott Kalan

[1:05] you're paying for it.

[1:06] Just unload, you know.

Dan McCoy

[1:07] Yeah, we had New Year's Eve and New Year's Day, and now this is Stew Year's Day, where we

[1:12] focus on Stu.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14] Yeah.

[1:15] And on Stew Year's Day, you know, I got a text from my therapist, he's like, hey, aren't

[1:19] you coming in today?

[1:21] You have an appointment.

[1:21] I'm like, oh no, I'm doing a podcast, I don't need therapy today.

[1:26] And your therapist was like, you do a podcast?

[1:27] You must be super cool.

[1:30] I'm like, yeah, we haven't covered this before.

[1:32] It's not that big a part of my life.

[1:38] Because that's a big part of therapy.

[1:40] I mean, is being a therapist telling your, what, charge?

Elliott Kalan

[1:45] Yeah, that's what a therapist, patient, or client is known as, is a charge.

[1:49] Yeah, that they are.

[1:50] You're Ward.

[1:51] Super cool.

[1:52] Yeah, Ward.

Stuart Wellington

[1:54] So, times have been a little bit tough, as I said, you know, smiling through the tears.

[2:00] Luckily, the podcast's going okay, but I don't know if you guys know this, but my other career,

[2:06] in addition to being a podcaster, is I own a couple of bars.

[2:10] And the bar biz has hit a rocky patch lately.

[2:15] Not a lot of people going out.

[2:18] And, you know.

[2:19] So, you're going to bring the booze to them with booze drones.

Elliott Kalan

[2:23] Now, you just slap a bottle on a drone, send it over.

Dan McCoy

[2:27] We are breaking several interstate commerce laws, so.

Stuart Wellington

[2:31] And international, because they're going overseas.

[2:34] Uh-huh.

[2:34] And I'm slapping cameras on those drones so I can get as much found footage as possible.

Dan McCoy

[2:40] What's that found footage, per se?

[2:42] I mean, I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[2:44] Well, when the drone's crashed, Dan.

[2:47] That's fine.

Elliott Kalan

[2:48] What if he picks up a ghost or a Blair Witch on that drone?

[2:51] That's found footage.

[2:51] Yeah, that's true.

Stuart Wellington

[2:52] Yeah.

[2:52] I found it.

[2:55] And then he walked over to the drone and picked it up using his feet when he walked.

[2:58] Yeah.

[2:58] That's footage.

[2:59] All right.

[3:01] So, for people who aren't familiar with, you know, I'm giving everybody a peek of our private lives.

[3:08] Some people might not be familiar with us.

[3:11] For some folks, for some listeners, this might be their first episode, in which case, turn it off.

[3:16] Go listen to a different one.

[3:18] Listen to the one where I talk about Warhammer.

[3:21] Yeah, that'll give you a better idea of what the show's like.

[3:23] I just want to...

[3:24] Basically, what I'm trying to say is that, of the three of us, I'm the only one who isn't a working TV writer.

[3:30] So, I thought, why not we make it all three of us are TV writers?

[3:35] Why not we make it indeed?

[3:36] You've got that writer's ear.

Elliott Kalan

[3:41] You do talk like my two-year-old who says things like, yeah, I did do did that.

[3:47] Yeah.

[3:47] So, I'm introducing...

[3:49] Just my two-year-old all the time, I'll be like, do you want this cookie?

[3:53] I do want that cookie.

[3:54] Wait, you don't want it?

[3:55] No, I do.

[3:56] And it's like, you don't have to, you don't need to use so many words.

[3:58] Just say yes.

[3:59] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[4:00] I mean, do your children get frustrated with being interrupted all the time, or do you just reserve that shit for me and Dan?

Elliott Kalan

[4:07] Oh, no, no.

[4:08] It's a real comeuppance where I'm constantly interrupted by them.

Stuart Wellington

[4:12] Uh-huh.

[4:13] So, I'd like to introduce a new segment here on the Flophouse Mini, and it is called Stuart Holly Woodington colon apotheosis.

[4:24] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[4:25] I would love to see where this is headed.

Stuart Wellington

[4:28] So, this doubles as a metal album.

[4:31] Uh-huh.

[4:31] Yep.

[4:32] So, guys, clearly, I love movies.

[4:35] I love cinema.

[4:36] But I also have a deep, sharp understanding for television.

[4:41] As you guys might remember on a previous episode, I created the perfect description of all television.

[4:47] The perfect balance for any TV show is cop and not a cop.

[4:51] So, the best way for me to get a high-paying Hollywood job, now that I have already figured out the secret to Hollywood, is to pitch.

Elliott Kalan

[4:59] I mean, you realize that's really more of a movie pitch.

Stuart Wellington

[5:02] Well, so.

[5:04] I don't know about that.

[5:05] Wait, cop and not a cop?

[5:06] Like, every TV show, eh?

Dan McCoy

[5:07] Yeah, you got, like, say, Castle.

[5:09] You got cop and then a paperback mystery writer.

[5:14] I mean, I guess they were.

[5:15] Okay.

[5:16] So, that's Castle.

Elliott Kalan

[5:17] That's one show out of the peak television of six or seven hundred shows.

Stuart Wellington

[5:20] I mean, there's the.

[5:21] What about bones, dude?

[5:23] One of them's a cop and the other one's bones, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[5:26] And the other one's a skeleton.

[5:27] That's true.

[5:28] I mean, on girls, Lena Dunham is a cop and her friends are not cops.

Dan McCoy

[5:31] And the Scarecrow and Mrs. King, that's a spy, not a spy.

[5:36] Yes.

[5:36] But it's basically the same thing.

[5:38] Moonlighting is a detective, not a detective.

Elliott Kalan

[5:41] I love that you really have your finger on the pulse, Dan, of what's going on with TV these days.

[5:46] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[5:47] Well, I was just saying, it is a classic formula.

Elliott Kalan

[5:49] Now, which one was Hardcastle and which one was McCormick?

[5:52] Which one was Simon and which one was Simon?

[5:55] So, I know, I assume Jake was the cop since the fat man could not pass the physical.

Stuart Wellington

[6:00] Oh, you would be surprised, Elliot.

[6:02] That was a show that I got very excited about to watch as a kid.

[6:04] It seemed like an adult program.

[6:06] And when I stayed up late to watch it, I felt like I was being an adult.

[6:10] So, I figured, now you guys, once again, I'm turning to you guys.

[6:13] You guys are the professionals in this business.

[6:16] Technically.

[6:16] And I figured, I'm assuming the best way to get a high-paying Hollywood gig, Elliot, I'm looking to you for this one.

[6:22] The best way is to pitch a hit TV show.

[6:25] Just like, take a hit TV show and pitch it straightforward, and that's how you get the job.

Elliott Kalan

[6:29] You mean take a show that's already a hit and pitch it again, or pitch a show that becomes a hit?

Stuart Wellington

[6:34] Well, we'll see.

[6:35] So, I've been watching a lot of Cobra Kai lately, and I don't know if you guys are familiar.

[6:42] It's a hot TV show that takes a popular movie from the 1980s, Karate Kid, that people have a lot of nostalgia for.

[6:49] And then they create a sequel that comes out, a sequel to the story that's kind of like a modern take on it.

[6:57] In this case, it adds a new perspective, where we have, like, Johnny, who was previously the villain.

[7:02] It's set many years later, and the previous villain is actually an unlikely hero.

[7:06] And it kind of updates the whole thing.

[7:08] And I feel like that is, with that in mind, Stuart Holly Woodington is going to take it up to the next level, and you guys are going to help me with some of these pitches.

[7:18] How does that sound?

[7:19] You guys think you can, without interrupting me a million times?

[7:23] Let's see.

Elliott Kalan

[7:23] I can't promise you that part, but I will say, not joking, that is a very good strategy.

[7:28] If you can find a previously existing piece of IP that has nostalgia and name value, and you find a new take on it that you can showify, adapt into a show, then yes, that is a good way to get into professional television writing.

[7:40] Now, to get the meetings to pitch this show is going to take a number of more steps, but we'll get to that later.

[7:45] Hit us with these pitches.

[7:46] Give us these pitches.

Stuart Wellington

[7:48] So, I feel like a natural progression.

[7:50] So, I'm mainly thinking about movies that I remember watching a lot as a kid.

[7:53] Since I'm, you know, already super familiar with it, I have a memory like a steel trap.

[7:58] So, the first one I'm going to go with that I think is, that I associate, that is very similar in some ways to Karate Kid, is Back to the Future.

[8:06] And this is an easy one, because an easy twist on it is instead of worrying about that Marty McFly guy, let's find out what Biff is all about, right?

[8:16] Now, here we have Biff.

[8:17] He's an old man.

[8:19] He senses that there's something kind of wrong with his life, something wrong with the universe.

[8:24] Things aren't quite how they should be.

[8:27] He should be on top, not this Marty McFly clown.

[8:31] So, due to something that will work out in time, he travels through, he finds a way to travel through time and space to try and make things right or wrong, depending on your perspective.

[8:44] And finally, get what's his.

[8:47] So, what do you think, guys?

[8:48] We can bring all, how hard do you think this will be?

[8:51] I feel like the whole cast is still alive, right?

[8:53] Dan, jump on IMDb.

[8:54] You got to find out if the whole cast is still alive.

[8:56] We need the whole cast, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[8:58] It only works with the whole cast.

[8:59] I mean, Crispin Glover's going to be hard to get, but let's bring him in, you know?

Stuart Wellington

[9:03] I feel like Crispin Glover would be down when he hears that this is a fresh new take on the material.

Elliott Kalan

[9:08] I mean, let's gloss over the fact that the star, Michael J. Fox, has retired for health-related reasons and just keep going with the premise.

[9:15] Other than that, that is a solid, solid adaptation premise.

[9:19] So, here's what I'm going to tell you is Biff, the Biff we see at the end of the first movie who is waxing George McFly's car because he's just a, you know, he can't, he's a loser now.

[9:28] He's visited by the Council of Crosstime Biffs.

[9:31] That's right.

[9:31] I'm stealing that premise from the Avengers because Back to the Future 2 introduced us to the concept of alternate dimensions.

[9:37] There is an alternate world where Biff is the president, mayor of wherever they live, whatever.

[9:42] You know, he's basically Trump, but just in that one town.

[9:45] And they've decided that this Biff is not cutting it, and he's got to figure out a way to get back on top, or else they're going to revoke his Biff card, which basically means killing him or erasing his existence or something like that, you know?

Stuart Wellington

[9:57] It's eerie how similar that is to, like, a Rick and Morty episode.

[10:01] Yeah, it really is.

[10:02] But by the way, pitching a Rick and Morty episode, another way to get a hot Hollywood gig, I'd imagine.

Elliott Kalan

[10:08] That's true.

[10:08] I mean, that is, it is, I had a conversation with another entertainment professional recently where I was like, well, Rick and Morty is just Back to the Future, but they're mean to each other.

[10:16] And the guy was like, wait, what?

[10:18] He had not, he had not realized it, had not put two and two together.

Dan McCoy

[10:24] Oh, that's great.

[10:25] I do think, well, here's my gloss on this, though.

[10:29] I do think that you're going to get, you're not going to get past the fact that, let's call him Biff Prime is a sex criminal.

[10:40] So I think that's going to be hard to redeem that character.

[10:43] So the thing about Back to the Future is everyone in Back to the Future is just clones of their parents, except for Crispin Glover and Leah Thompson.

[10:52] Like, either clones or it leaps a generation.

[10:56] Or, like, in weird cases, Leah Thompson, who's not part of the McFly line, the great-great-grandmother in the Old West, still looks like Leah Thompson.

[11:06] So it's about, much like Star Wars, it's about the bloodlines of these families.

[11:11] So what if there's a Biff further down the line on the bloodline who is maybe a nicer Biff, who realizes that, you know, his anger is that not only has Marty ruined Biff Prime's life, but the entire Biff family has now been destroyed.

Elliott Kalan

[11:33] Here's where I'm going to try to, not yes and you, Dan.

[11:38] So I'm going to say, one, this is the age of the anti-hero.

[11:42] So, like, Biff is a bad boy.

[11:44] You're going to know but him.

[11:45] That bad boy means that he assaulted Leah Thompson at the prom.

[11:49] I don't think we want to go down this road, Elliot.

[11:51] I think, and he's, look, if it's, we want, one of the hottest TV shows of the golden age of television, the one about a mobster who kills all the people closest to him, the one about a mild-mannered man who becomes a drug dealer and kills all the people closest to him, and the one about an ad man who just cannot keep his dick in his pants and is just lying his head off.

Dan McCoy

[12:10] I mean, Elliot, sure, for reality, we can sell a show about a horrible person, but for the funzos of laugh-em-ups, I was just trying to steer us into it.

[12:19] Well, but here's what I'm going to say.

[12:21] Here's what I'm saying.

Elliott Kalan

[12:23] So what I'll say then is the series is not about Biff trying to get back on top now.

[12:26] Forget that.

[12:27] Biff discovers that all of Marty McFly's bouncing around in time has really warped and damaged the space-time continuum.

[12:35] Am I drawing on another Marvel Comics storyline?

[12:37] Yes, I am.

[12:38] The Age of Ultron crossover, not the movie.

[12:41] And so he's an unlikely hero because he's a bad guy, but his only chance to turn over a new leaf and redeem himself is to fix the space-time continuum because this Marty McFly guy has been playing the universe like it's an electric guitar at a prom.

[12:56] And so he's not the right man for the job, but he's the man who has to do the job.

[13:00] Biff to the future.

[13:01] Coming to Apple TV?

[13:02] Probably.

Dan McCoy

[13:03] How about this?

[13:03] What if Scott Bakula just leaps into a bunch of – like a shit ton of Biffs?

[13:10] Like Biff has been fucking up – whether it's Grandpa Biff or Main Biff.

[13:16] They've been fucking up for generations.

[13:18] So Scott Bakula just leaps through like four or five Biffs.

[13:22] It's a limited series on HBO.

Elliott Kalan

[13:24] So you're positing right at the beginning that Quantum Leap and Back to the Future take place in the same universe.

[13:29] Yes.

[13:31] Makes a lot of sense to me.

[13:32] I don't know if you forgot that.

[13:33] Those are two different things.

[13:35] But they –

Dan McCoy

[13:36] Oh, a crossover between existing properties isn't going to be profitable, Elliot.

[13:40] Yeah, yeah.

[13:41] You're taking your eyes off the prize, which is to get Stuart a job.

[13:47] Yeah, exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[13:48] I'm just saying it's twice as much IP that you're going to have to get the rights to.

[13:51] And that's difficult.

[13:51] But again, this is just for fun.

[13:53] So throw whatever you want in there.

[13:54] Throw Jurassic Park in there.

[13:55] Throw Schindler's List in there.

[13:56] All the Spielberg movies, too.

[13:58] Throw them in there.

[13:58] All the Robert Zemeckis and Spielberg movies in Quantum Leap.

[14:01] Throw them in one thing.

[14:02] They've got to take the Polar Express.

Stuart Wellington

[14:03] Ready Player One.

[14:06] I mean, that is Ready Player One, I guess.

[14:09] Yeah, I mean, you're basically just describing the T-shirts that keep getting pitched to me on Instagram and Facebook.

[14:15] So I've got a whole bunch of these to get through.

[14:17] So I'm going to move to the next one.

[14:18] And to help me with this one, I'm going to need a little help from another pitch man, my favorite pitch man I know, Charlene Wellington.

[14:28] Come on down.

[14:30] Hi, guys.

[14:31] Let me set you up here.

[14:33] So this one we're going to do a little sequel or prequel.

[14:37] I don't exactly know what she has in mind here.

[14:39] Now, Stuart, Charlene is your daughter?

[14:42] This is how you flatter women, Dan.

[14:46] Well, pretty good.

[14:48] I mean, I guess I do have a new ring light, so our skin looks really great.

[14:53] Actually, your skin does both look great.

Elliott Kalan

[14:54] And I apologize.

[14:55] I should not have been so misogynist with my compliments.

[14:58] Alternately, it could work the other way.

[14:59] Charlene, is this your son, Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[15:02] I mean, based on most of my behavior and interests, you can guess that.

[15:07] So this is going to be a sequel, prequel, or something related to one of my favorite movies growing up, Better Off Dead.

S4

[15:17] Better Off Dead, my favorite Christmas movie.

[15:20] Better Off Dead, the story of the paper boy.

[15:24] So the paper boy is all grown up.

[15:26] He's got a successful business.

[15:27] Nothing fancy.

[15:28] Maybe like a landscaping business.

[15:31] Lane is the villain because he's rich.

[15:35] He can afford to put his girlfriend's face on every one of his hangers.

[15:40] And it's not like now.

[15:41] He had to get those printed.

[15:42] It's not like now where you just print it on your computer.

[15:45] Like, he had to take these photos, get the film developed, go to the photo mat, get them all printed, and have them put on all the hangers.

[15:52] And this guy, I mean, I don't know if you've ever had a paper route, but you have to pay in advance for the papers.

[15:59] Yes, yes, I did have a paper route.

[16:01] We've seen newsies.

[16:02] We know how it works.

[16:03] He just refuses to pay $2 and no tip?

[16:07] Yeah.

[16:07] That's ridiculous.

[16:08] So, oh, muscles is here.

[16:10] Anyway, Lane is the villain, and it's like all the paper boys, they're all grown up, and I think maybe they have like a successful landscaping business.

[16:22] Yeah.

[16:22] And all the kids in the neighborhood work for them, but they're also in competition with like the rich guys.

[16:28] He's kids, right?

[16:31] Okay.

[16:31] You following me?

[16:32] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[16:33] I'm kind of not sure why he's still mad about the $2 at this point.

[16:36] No, he's not mad.

[16:37] He's not mad.

S4

[16:39] He's moved on.

[16:40] He's moved on.

[16:41] He's a successful landscaper, but now like the neighborhood kids work for him, you know, the less fortunate, the less rich kids, and, you know, the kids of the skiers, they're like in competition.

[16:54] They hate each other.

Stuart Wellington

[16:54] So it sounds like only good things seem to happen on this show.

[16:57] Yes.

[16:57] It's like Entourage, but for paper boys.

[17:00] Sure.

S4

[17:01] But it's narrated kind of like those Rudolph the Reindeer movies by the hamburger in a Van Halen soundalike voice.

Stuart Wellington

[17:11] Oh, I thought you were going to say Burl Ives narrated it, which I would have to break something to you.

[17:16] That would actually be.

S4

[17:16] Does Booger have a kid too in it?

[17:18] Or is it just all the characters have kids?

[17:20] Surely there's so many pages of fucking notes.

Stuart Wellington

[17:22] No, I just have one page of notes.

S4

[17:24] Booger has like a hardware store or something, and he's just fine.

[17:29] He's doing fine.

[17:30] Ricky's a hoarder.

[17:32] Ricky's mom is at a nursing home.

Elliott Kalan

[17:34] Hello, this is a show about people growing up and having respectable middle class small businesses.

S4

[17:41] Like no one's super wealthy.

[17:45] Everyone's doing fine.

[17:46] They're stable.

[17:46] This is good.

[17:47] There's the wealthy kids and the working class kids, and they're at odds.

[17:52] Okay.

[17:53] I don't think they do karate, though.

Stuart Wellington

[17:55] This pitch sounds like the polar opposite of the Real Housewives franchise, because nobody's wealthy and there's no drama.

Dan McCoy

[18:04] I mean, you could go like the Riverdale route with this, and it would be all about the sexy children of the Better Off Dead crew.

Elliott Kalan

[18:11] I don't know that you want to say sexy children, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[18:14] Okay, children in the sense that I am the child of my parents, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[18:20] I know what you meant.

[18:22] Someone's going to make a soundboard where you press a button, and it's you saying sexy children, and you don't want that.

[18:26] And now I've said it, so now they can make that soundboard for me.

S4

[18:29] And all the kids hang out at the Porky's hamburger joint.

[18:35] Uh-huh, yeah, Porky's, sure.

[18:36] That's like their peach pit.

[18:37] Uh-huh.

[18:37] It's called Porky's Peach Pit.

Elliott Kalan

[18:41] I mean, it's a real slice-of-life story.

[18:44] It feels like this is, you know, it's, I wonder if this is maybe more of a breaking away show, the way you're describing it.

[18:52] You know what?

S4

[18:52] I think instead of fighting, they have song and dance-offs.

[18:57] They just break into song.

Stuart Wellington

[18:59] Okay.

[18:59] Well, everybody loves songs and dances.

[19:01] So that's our pitch for Better Off Dead.

[19:04] Everybody has a nice business.

[19:07] Everybody's doing okay, but not great.

[19:09] And then there's songs and dancing.

[19:11] I mean, I think right now.

[19:13] I said Ricky's and the kids hang out at a place.

Dan McCoy

[19:14] And his mom's in a nursing home.

[19:15] Oh, okay, yeah.

[19:16] So everyone's not doing okay.

[19:18] I mean, right now, though, I think people want, people have a real thirst for a show that's mostly just pleasant.

[19:24] I mean, like, that's what everyone wants in quarantine times.

S4

[19:27] There's always extraordinary playlists, but nobody's dying.

[19:30] Yeah, there you go.

Elliott Kalan

[19:31] I mean, Schitt's Creek has ended, right?

[19:33] So there's real room for, like, a show that just makes you feel warm.

[19:37] Exactly.

Dan McCoy

[19:38] Yeah, it'll be a while before we get some new Ted Lasso.

[19:40] You gotta fill that niche.

Stuart Wellington

[19:44] Yeah, I don't have Apple+.

Elliott Kalan

[19:45] So we're moving on to the next one.

[19:48] I got a thing.

[19:48] This is a one-percenter gripe.

[19:51] I got a thing in the mail that was like, for awards season, here's your viewing code for Apple+.

[19:56] For your consideration, I was like, oh, great, I'll finally get to watch that Ted Lasso show.

[20:00] And then it was just for their original movies.

[20:02] So I can watch that Tom Hanks World War II Navy movie.

[20:05] And I was like, great, thanks.

[20:06] I wanted to see Ted Lasso.

Stuart Wellington

[20:07] But, Elliot, you're a dad.

[20:09] That is right up your alley.

Elliott Kalan

[20:10] I did say when my wife and I looked at it, I did say, hmm, this is solid dad stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[20:19] Like, hmm, I wonder how many epaulets he has on that thing he's wearing.

Elliott Kalan

[20:25] Do you know, let me pause the movie here just to talk about the tonnage that that ship could carry in those types of waters.

[20:31] It's not riding low enough.

S4

[20:34] Macho man to the top rope.

[20:36] The flying elbow.

[20:37] The cover.

[20:41] We've got a new champion.

Elliott Kalan

[20:45] We're here with macho man Randy Savage after his big win to become the new world champion.

[20:50] What are you going to do now, match?

S5

[20:52] I'm going to go listen to the newest episode of the Tights and Fights podcast.

[20:56] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[20:57] Tell us more about this podcast.

S5

[20:58] It's the podcast of power.

[21:00] Too sweet to be sour.

[21:01] Funky like a monkey.

[21:03] Woke discussions, man.

[21:04] And jokes about wrestlers' fashion choices, myself excluded.

[21:09] I can't wait to listen.

[21:11] Neither can I.

[21:12] You can find it Saturdays on Maximum Fun.

[21:15] Oh, yeah.

[21:17] Dig it.

Stuart Wellington

[21:19] So, I think this is talking about epaulets and tonnage.

[21:23] I think it's the perfect time for us to take a little break from all this.

[21:28] I know everybody's worked up, listening to all my pitches.

[21:31] By the way, I forgot to say this right up front, but fucking TM, dude.

[21:34] Nobody can steal this shit.

[21:35] This is mine.

[21:36] It's all based on pre-existing material that other people are the right.

[21:40] Dear God.

[21:41] Dear God.

[21:41] Do not not give Charlene credit.

[21:44] Let me tell you.

[21:46] Okay.

[21:47] So, we're going to do a quick word from our sponsors.

[21:49] That's who keeps the lights on here at the Flophouse.

[21:52] And it's the Flophouse that keeps the lights on in my life.

[21:55] This word is the sponsor for today's episode is Squarespace.

[22:02] Squarespace is a way to make a beautiful website.

[22:06] You can turn your cool idea into a brand new website.

[22:10] You can blog or publish content.

[22:12] You can sell stuff.

[22:13] You can sell services of all kinds, like screenwriting help, like what I'm asking for right now, and more.

[22:20] Squarespace does this by giving you beautiful, customizable templates created by world-class designers.

[22:27] Not just regular old designers like the one you see down the street, unless they are a world-class designer, in which case, more power to them.

[22:34] They're probably working for Squarespace.

[22:36] Yeah.

[22:36] Everything is optimized for mobile right out of the box.

[22:39] You don't have to, I don't know, like plug it into something else and do something else and twist the knob and pull a lever.

[22:47] It's ready to go right out of the box.

[22:49] And it provides a new way to buy domains and choose from over 200 extensions.

[22:53] I'm assuming that has something to do with what you plug into your little Google search bar.

[22:58] I don't know exactly.

[22:59] And it's free and secure hosting.

[23:02] So, yeah.

[23:04] Let's see.

[23:06] Man, I messed this one up.

[23:08] So, go check out squarespace.com slash flop for a free trial.

[23:15] And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code FLOP, F-L-O-P, to save 10% off of your first purchase of a website or domain.

Dan McCoy

[23:25] Oh, well, well, well.

[23:27] Not so easy, is it, Mr. Wellington?

Stuart Wellington

[23:30] Oh, looky what we have here.

[23:33] Oh, ta-ta-ta-tee.

[23:34] Oh, you caught me.

[23:36] You create a little petard by sending me the email right before the show while I was doing other stuff.

Dan McCoy

[23:44] And then I stepped directly on that petard.

[23:48] That was entrapment.

[23:49] That was entrapment, Daniel.

[23:50] I was prepared to read this.

[23:52] And then at the last minute, we decided it made more sense for Stuart to read it if he was in the driver's seat.

[23:57] He would know where the natural brake is.

Elliott Kalan

[24:00] I feel like, Dan, a friend would say, I'm prepared.

[24:03] Why don't you just tell me to go and then I'll do it rather than throwing you to the wolves, the Squarespace wolves.

Dan McCoy

[24:09] I'm trying to be helpful.

[24:11] Squarespace.

[24:12] Build it, beautiful.

[24:13] That used to be their slogan.

[24:15] That's not their slogan anymore.

Elliott Kalan

[24:16] SquarePace, the stability of the square with the openness of outer space.

[24:19] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[24:19] Okay, guys, we're back.

[24:22] And you guys are helping me put together my TV pitches into some kind of, what, resume?

[24:27] I don't know.

[24:28] I don't know what writers do.

[24:29] Wait, this is your premise.

[24:31] So, welcome back to Stuart Holly Woodington colon apotheosis.

[24:37] The next property that I think is ripe for a sequel is a little movie called Coming to America.

[24:45] I mean, it is.

Dan McCoy

[24:46] They are releasing a sequel to that movie soon.

[24:48] Bad news for you, Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[24:50] Is it a TV show?

Dan McCoy

[24:52] It's a movie that they're doing for, what, Amazon, I think?

Stuart Wellington

[24:56] Well, it is either Amazon or Netflix, a home streaming service.

[25:00] So, wait a minute.

[25:01] Wouldn't it make a lot of sense if they released a TV show at the same time to kind of, like, tie it all together?

[25:09] Does it tie it together or will it be a direct contradiction?

[25:12] We'll find out.

[25:14] So, the premise here is it is set in modern day, many years after the original movie came out, which I did not do the research to find out the exact release date.

[25:25] 80s.

[25:26] You know it's the 80s.

[25:27] The hero of the show is Daryl Jenks, the heir to the Soul Glow fortune, played by Eric LaSalle.

[25:35] So, it's years later.

[25:36] His life is in tatters.

[25:38] His fortune has dried up as Soul Glow has fallen out of style.

[25:43] He's haunted by the-

Elliott Kalan

[25:44] Ironically, because, as you've seen from the movie, Soul Glow does not dry out.

[25:47] It leaves the hair with kind of a wet sheen all the time.

Stuart Wellington

[25:50] I thought that would be a fun choice of words by me.

[25:54] Mm-hmm.

[25:55] He's, uh, and he's also, like-

Dan McCoy

[25:57] You're really enjoying pronouncing words, too.

[26:00] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[26:01] He's, he's, he's also, like, haunted by the robbery that he was, uh, that he wasn't, uh, he wasn't able to stop.

[26:08] That he had to rely on, uh, Akeem to, to stop from the robbery at the McDowells.

[26:13] Yeah, Samuel L. Jackson.

[26:15] Yep.

[26:15] In an early role.

[26:16] Uh-huh.

[26:16] Maybe Samuel L. Jackson shows back up.

[26:18] We'll find out.

[26:19] However, he finds out that there's one way for, uh, that Soul Glow has suddenly become very popular in one place in the world.

[26:27] Zamunda.

[26:27] So the only way for him to build his fortune back is to go back and begin a coup against King Akeem.

[26:33] Oh, wait, hold on.

[26:37] Yeah.

[26:38] So, yeah, I think, I mean, I, I haven't watched, is there a trailer out?

[26:43] I haven't watched the trailer for, uh, for Coming to America.

Elliott Kalan

[26:46] Coming to America is, I think, just about, uh, Eddie Murphy's son is now looking for a, for a bride.

[26:51] I think is what it's about.

[26:53] It's not a dark side of the sun kind of mercenaries in Africa overthrowing a kingdom.

Dan McCoy

[26:57] I think it was, I think it was maybe a son he didn't know about as well.

[27:00] I'm not, I'm not sure about this, but I think that might be part of it.

Elliott Kalan

[27:03] So, nothing you have said.

[27:04] Very different, very different from the, from the porno version Coming in America, which was not, not as big a success.

[27:12] It rarely is, right?

[27:14] Yeah, that's true.

[27:14] You know what, the porno is usually, is rarely as much a success or a bigger success than the original.

Stuart Wellington

[27:19] I mean, I'd have to, I'd have to compare the numbers.

[27:21] I'd have to pull up a spreadsheet.

Dan McCoy

[27:22] I mean, I'd probably return on investment.

[27:25] They're pretty close.

[27:26] But, like, if you're just going by percentages.

Elliott Kalan

[27:28] That's true, because proportionally the budgets are much smaller.

[27:30] Yeah.

[27:31] And the advertising budgets, you have to assume, are much smaller.

[27:34] Mm-hmm.

[27:34] So.

Dan McCoy

[27:35] I almost never see, like, a Subway advertisement for porno.

Elliott Kalan

[27:40] Uh-huh.

[27:40] Almost never.

[27:41] Like, you see them at Subway the restaurant, which is weird.

[27:44] Although I feel like.

[27:45] An agreement they made.

Stuart Wellington

[27:46] I feel like a lot of Subway advertisements have been, I don't know, like, makeshift turned into porno advertisements.

[27:52] I hastily scrawled genitalia on everything.

Elliott Kalan

[27:55] Mm-hmm.

[27:55] That's a fair point.

[27:56] But I, it's right.

[27:58] You never hear people say, like, did you know so-and-so, that famous porno was actually based on a non-porn movie?

[28:04] It's just not a thing you hear.

[28:06] Maybe just in the circles I travel in, you know.

[28:09] Uh-huh.

Stuart Wellington

[28:10] Yeah, I mean, sometimes I see somebody mention it on Reddit, and I'm like, oh, cool, upvote.

[28:14] But, you know, who cares?

[28:16] So we move on, we're moving on to the next property.

[28:19] This is the next one I'm going to, I'm going to cannibalize the parks.

[28:21] Okay, so coming to America, we didn't really help you with.

Elliott Kalan

[28:23] I apologize.

Stuart Wellington

[28:24] We'll move on to the next one.

[28:24] It seems fully formed.

[28:25] Let's move on along.

[28:26] Yeah, it sounds like it was perfect.

[28:29] The next one we're going to, we're going to use is Cocoon.

[28:32] We are going to follow this story.

[28:34] Obviously, I'm going to continue the tradition, or tradition.

[28:39] I'm going to continue the theme of, like, kind of modernizing it.

[28:44] And so we're going to follow the poor guy who had to clean the pools at the retirement community.

[28:51] He had to deal with all that pod gunk and all the old person jizz and whatever.

[28:55] Wait.

[28:56] And Steve Guttenberg jizz.

[28:59] Thank you, Stu.

Dan McCoy

[29:00] I mean, that part makes sense, because there's that weird pool sex scene.

[29:04] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[29:05] Dan, you know, as soon as those old people were feeling young, they were just making the most out of it.

[29:09] In the pool?

Stuart Wellington

[29:11] Yeah, it's right there.

[29:12] Okay.

[29:13] Yeah.

[29:13] And you're already in, like, your trunks or whatever.

[29:16] I don't know.

[29:18] Do you wear, like, a bathing costume?

Dan McCoy

[29:19] I guess if you found a fountain of youth pool, why not have sex in it?

Stuart Wellington

[29:23] Yeah.

[29:24] So imagine this poor guy who's managed to find one of those pod things, and he decides to use it and open up a little B&B with a little magical spring in it.

[29:34] Maybe he takes his daughter along.

[29:38] Maybe a friend who's a chef.

[29:40] Okay.

[29:41] Wait a minute.

[29:42] Maybe he's looking for love, but, you know, he never really finds it.

[29:45] Then his daughter...

[29:47] Wait, is this...

[29:48] Has this just turned into Gilmore Girls?

[29:51] Then his daughter gets caught up in, like, a similar pod situation, and the whole cycle just continues over and over.

[29:59] Yeah, I guess...

[29:59] I mean, I guess if you're gonna, you know...

[30:02] If you're gonna steal, you might as well steal from the best, right?

[30:06] Sure.

[30:06] Yeah, the best, Cocoon and Gilmore Girls, doesn't get any better.

Elliott Kalan

[30:11] Two very pleasant entertainments.

[30:14] I would say.

Stuart Wellington

[30:17] Okay, so, man, it's...

[30:19] You guys have provided very few notes on these.

[30:22] You're really digging them.

Elliott Kalan

[30:22] There's a reason when the Library of Congress buried that time capsule for the year 10,000 that all they put in it was a DVD of Cocoon

[30:28] in a complete set of Gilmore Girls, and that was it.

Stuart Wellington

[30:33] Guaranteed entertainment, I think, is what the stickers said.

[30:35] And a note that said, you're welcome, future.

Dan McCoy

[30:38] A canticle for Lorelei, it was.

Stuart Wellington

[30:44] Okay, so another movie that I think that I watched a lot as a kid...

[30:47] Oh, there's more.

[30:48] ...make a great TV show.

[30:49] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[30:54] I didn't know you were following the comedy rule of 18s.

[30:57] Okay, go ahead.

[30:59] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[31:01] So, of course, I think the movie that would make a perfect TV show following this formula is Goonies.

[31:09] That's right, we're going to follow the Fratellis.

[31:12] They're out of prison.

[31:13] They team up with the rich jerks to try and take over the town.

[31:17] Maybe while they're searching around, they find a second pirate ship.

[31:21] Maybe that ship is crewed by a bunch of ghost pirates.

[31:24] Okay.

[31:25] Maybe those ghost pirates are ghosts until they find the last piece of cursed gold.

[31:31] Now the Fratellis are rocked by the existence of an afterlife and ghosts and shit.

[31:35] So that raises the possibility that maybe they can bring Mama Fratelli back to life using magic.

[31:42] So our heroes travel around the globe seeking forbidden knowledge and getting into sexy adventures.

[31:50] The Fratellis.

[31:52] So I gave you a lot of, I gave you a big meal right there.

[32:00] Yeah, it really.

[32:00] I know you want to take your time with it.

Elliott Kalan

[32:02] So they leave the Goonies town pretty, fairly early in the pilot, it sounds like.

[32:06] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[32:07] You know, I do want to see more of their sort of gangster Three Stooges antics.

Elliott Kalan

[32:16] Now, here's my pitch for the season one arc.

[32:19] It starts with them as the captains of this ghost pirate ship.

[32:22] And then it's like, you're probably wondering how we got into this.

[32:25] The rest of the season is just them finding stuff.

[32:29] And the last episode, they finally find that ghost pirate ship.

[32:32] They find Captain Barbossa, yeah.

[32:33] Yeah, it's like them, you know, figuring out what their role is in the town now.

[32:38] And like mourning their mother.

[32:40] And then having to, you know, eventually they find clues to what?

[32:45] The other pirate ship under the town in the caverns?

Stuart Wellington

[32:48] Yeah, fuck it.

[32:49] We can have more pirate ships.

[32:50] Who cares?

Dan McCoy

[32:52] Yeah, each pirate ship just has clues for the next episode.

[32:55] The next pirate ship.

Stuart Wellington

[32:57] Yeah, it would be silly if there was only two pirate ships.

[33:00] Yes.

[33:01] You're right.

[33:02] You're right.

Elliott Kalan

[33:02] It would be unbelievable, unrealistic.

Stuart Wellington

[33:04] Like, one makes sense, okay?

[33:06] A single pirate ship, that makes sense.

[33:08] But two, that's like, no, there's got to be way more than that.

[33:11] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[33:11] Two feels like a coincidence, but if there's seven of them, then it's like, okay, this is just

[33:15] a place where pirate ships go.

Dan McCoy

[33:17] Yeah, you could do it sort of like a where in the world is Carmen Sandiego of like trying

[33:22] to find these pirate ships.

[33:24] And it would be like, where is this?

Stuart Wellington

[33:25] This game show?

Dan McCoy

[33:26] Well, no, they're like, it's like a globetrotting adventure where it's like, where's the next

[33:31] pirate ship?

[33:32] We could be anywhere.

[33:33] And like, well, no, I think it's, number one, it's probably on the water.

[33:36] So let's cut out everything that's not on the water.

[33:40] Not, you know.

Elliott Kalan

[33:41] I mean, the first pirate ship they found in a cave.

[33:44] That wasn't really on the water.

Stuart Wellington

[33:45] It was on the cave.

[33:46] It's not like open water, but there's water in the cave.

S4

[33:49] There was water in the cave.

[33:51] What was this?

[33:51] Does Sloth go on an adventure with them?

[33:52] Yeah, no shit.

[33:53] He's the star of the show.

[33:55] Okay.

[33:56] He should be.

[33:57] He's Sloth.

[33:58] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[33:59] So is the show called Sloth or is it called The Fratellis?

[34:02] I mean.

Stuart Wellington

[34:03] Sloth and the Fratellis.

[34:04] Well, it's.

[34:04] Sloth and the Fratellis makes the most.

[34:06] I mean, people are going to call it that anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[34:08] Well, it starts out being.

[34:09] The Fratellis just sounds like it's a sitcom about a wacky Italian family, you know.

Dan McCoy

[34:13] It starts out being Sloth and the Fratellis.

S4

[34:16] It's like the same way my parents called Happy Days Fonzie.

Stuart Wellington

[34:19] How people used to call Happy Days just Fonzie or people used to call Alf Alf.

[34:23] And you're like, oh, the show's called Alf.

[34:25] No, no.

[34:25] Alf is called Alf.

[34:27] That's.

[34:29] Hold on a second.

[34:30] Dinosaurs, dinosaurs, because it was filled with all those fucking dinosaurs.

Elliott Kalan

[34:33] They're just calling dinosaurs Baby Dinosaur.

[34:36] And it's like, it's easier if you just say the real name.

[34:38] It's Baby Sinclair.

[34:39] God damn it.

Stuart Wellington

[34:43] Wow.

[34:43] So I feel like I feel like the last possible thing we could talk about then from a movie

[34:50] from the 1980s, of course, is Teen Wolf, right?

[34:53] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[34:54] Teen Wolf.

[34:55] Yeah, that is a hit movie from the 1980s.

[34:56] An inexplicable hit movie from the 1980s.

Stuart Wellington

[35:00] And if you're interested in hearing us talk about Teen Wolf, a hit movie from the 1980s,

[35:05] well, we got something nice for you up our sleeves, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[35:10] Well, we're doing a live show online where we talk about Teen Wolf and we do some presentations

[35:18] and Q&A like we do in a normal live show.

[35:21] But we've also added a few new segments and wrinkles to the proceedings.

[35:26] People love wrinkles.

Stuart Wellington

[35:28] Surprises?

[35:29] Things that could go wrong?

Dan McCoy

[35:31] Yep.

[35:31] That's what everyone loves.

[35:34] And we're going to do that on Saturday, the 6th of February.

[35:39] That's 9 Eastern.

[35:40] That'll be 6 Pacific.

[35:43] This is a ticketed event, unlike the charitable ones we did before.

[35:48] This is a ticketed event, but it is a mere $10 to get that ticket.

[35:52] Where do you get it, Elliot?

Elliott Kalan

[35:54] Well, you just go to www.theflaphouse.simpleticks.com.

[35:59] That's S-I-M-P-L-E-T-I-X.

[36:02] www.theflophouse.simpleticks.com.

[36:05] It couldn't be easier.

[36:06] Go to that URL and then buy a ticket for $10 that will give you access to the show live

[36:12] as well as access to a recording of the show, which will be archived for one week.

[36:17] So if you can't make it Saturday, February 6th, 9 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Pacific, like say

[36:21] you're some widow baby that's got to go to bed, wham, wham, so tired, then just still

[36:26] buy that ticket and you can watch the show at your leisure after it is archived.

[36:30] Sounds exciting to me.

[36:31] We're going to have a lot of fun stuff and we're going to talk about, that's right, Teen

[36:35] Wolf, as mentioned before.

[36:36] This is the movie that I think is one of the most requested ones for us to do live shows

[36:40] about.

[36:41] And so I think people are going to be a little excited, so excited that things might get

[36:45] a little hairy.

Stuart Wellington

[36:48] Gross.

[36:49] So, dear listeners, my bags are packed.

[36:54] I have my sights set on Hollywood, but maybe you could help me-

Elliott Kalan

[36:58] Not a great time to travel to L.A., Stu.

Stuart Wellington

[37:00] Just want to warn you about that.

[37:04] You can help me stay here in Brooklyn and not abandon my life.

[37:10] By supporting my little bars, my little bar, Hinterlands Bar is selling merch and Minis

[37:17] is selling merch.

[37:18] But if you're interested in getting some merch from Hinterlands, we have t-shirts, hoodies,

[37:24] bandanas.

[37:26] And all you have to do is email hinterlandsbarmerch at gmail.com.

[37:31] And we are now offering international shipping options.

[37:36] So if you are not from the United States and want to get your mitts on some of that stuff,

[37:42] you can email me.

S4

[37:43] And for Minis, just go to Minis' Instagram page.

Stuart Wellington

[37:48] Yeah, go to the Instagram page for MinisBarBK.

[37:53] Thanks so much.

[37:54] This has been The Flophouse.

[37:56] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[37:57] I'm Dan McCoy.

[37:59] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[38:00] See you Saturday, February 6th at 9 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Pacific for Teen Wolf, www.theflophouse.simpletix.com.

[38:07] And also see you wearing a Hinterlands and or Minis shirt.

[38:10] Buy them both.

[38:11] Wear them at the same time.

[38:12] I mean, one of them is going to be underneath the other, so you're not going to see it that

[38:15] clearly.

[38:15] It's cold.

[38:15] Yeah, it's cold.

[38:15] People will know that you're wearing it.

[38:17] I've been Elliot Kalin.

FH Mini 21 - Stuey Goes to Hollywood

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