Dracula (2026)

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Dracula.

Elliott Kalan

[0:03] Finally, for the first time, someone has the guts to make a movie about Dracula.

[0:30] Hey! Damn it, Stuart!

Stuart Wellington

[0:38] Someone was just thinking about Dracula getting finally knocked off his high horse.

Elliott Kalan

[0:44] Dracula thinks he's so great.

[0:46] This time, not by the Ottoman Turks.

[0:47] Someone's got to take that vampire down a peg.

[0:50] Show me's not all that.

Dan McCoy

[0:51] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:53] I'm Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[0:54] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:55] And I'm Elliot Charles Kalin.

[1:00] That's right, guys.

[1:01] I broke out the middle name today.

[1:03] Why? What's the big deal?

[1:04] Dracula. That's the big deal.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06] He is a big deal.

[1:07] He is a big deal.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08] He's very big in Transylvania.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09] He looms large.

[1:10] In fact, I feel like looming is a classic Dracula trait.

[1:14] He is one of the best loomers.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15] He's a Dracula loomer, if you will.

[1:17] He's definitely not Laura loomer.

[1:18] He is not Laura loomer.

[1:21] There's at least three reasons that he's not Laura loomer.

[1:23] One, a man, not a woman.

[1:24] Two, not as involved in American politics.

[1:27] Three, a vampire.

[1:28] I was ranking loomers.

Dan McCoy

[1:30] I wasn't comparing them directly.

[1:31] Okay, I didn't realize.

[1:33] What about Loomis's?

[1:34] What about Loomis's?

[1:35] Well, Doctor is, you know, the top Loomis, right?

[1:39] Okay, I didn't think so.

Stuart Wellington

[1:39] So what do we do here on this podcast, guys?

[1:41] We rank names.

Dan McCoy

[1:44] It is a rank podcast, I'll tell you that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:48] Especially after last night, the three of us got real sweaty.

[1:51] Yeah, well.

[1:52] At a metal festival.

Stuart Wellington

[1:54] At a Neville festival.

Elliott Kalan

[1:58] At Neville Chamberlain also.

[1:59] They were both performing.

Dan McCoy

[2:00] Well, let me set up the show and then we can get into that.

[2:03] Okay.

[2:03] This is a podcast where we watch a movie that was a critical or a commercial flop and then

[2:08] we discuss it.

[2:09] We're going to do it.

[2:11] Frequently, I would say, you know, above 90% of the time, we are doing it over Zoom because

[2:17] Elliot has abandoned us for the other coast.

Elliott Kalan

[2:21] I heard the siren song of La La Land and I went with it.

[2:26] What's that?

[2:26] City of Lights is the siren song?

[2:28] That's Paris is City of Lights.

[2:30] What's the fucking song?

[2:32] I don't know what song you're talking about.

[2:34] La La Land.

[2:34] I don't remember any of the songs from La La Land.

[2:36] No, no one does.

[2:36] No.

[2:37] That's why it's absurd.

[2:38] I don't remember from La La Land is the part where he plays an awesome keyboard solo and

[2:43] she has a look on her face like she's horrified that he has betrayed his muse.

[2:46] I'm like, this is the best thing he's played all movie.

[2:49] What are you talking about?

[2:49] This rocks.

[2:51] Yeah, but I heard, the song I heard, it was I Love LA by Randy Newman.

[2:54] And I was like, how can a man love a city that much?

[2:57] I got to feel that love too.

[2:58] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[2:59] But yeah, we are all in the same place right now.

[3:03] Tonight, we're going to be doing our live Louisville show.

Elliott Kalan

[3:06] We're in the geographic center between New York and Los Angeles.

[3:08] Louisville, Kentucky.

Dan McCoy

[3:09] Yep, yep.

[3:10] And now we can talk about what we really want to talk about.

[3:13] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

[3:14] Our adventure's last.

[3:14] To be honest, I would always want to talk about Dracula.

Stuart Wellington

[3:17] Yeah.

[3:17] How is this Tober different than all other Tobers?

[3:21] Oh, I guess it's Shocktober.

[3:23] That's true.

Dan McCoy

[3:23] It is Shocktober.

[3:24] Yeah, when we talk about horror movies.

[3:26] Anyway, back to the metal festival.

[3:28] Not Rocktober when we only talk about rock and roll musicals.

Stuart Wellington

[3:31] Which we're about to.

[3:32] So this is a, we're taking a brief detour into Rocktober.

Elliott Kalan

[3:36] So Alex, can you play that Rocktober sting?

[3:38] That we asked you to make.

[3:40] And there it was.

[3:42] There it was.

[3:43] Oh, God.

[3:44] Oh, man.

[3:44] That was fucking sick.

Dan McCoy

[3:45] He's in the room right now.

[3:46] You can see his face.

[3:47] Do I have to do this?

Elliott Kalan

[3:49] How many more bespoke stings am I going to ask for in this episode?

Stuart Wellington

[3:52] Now, I have a question, Alex.

[3:54] Where do you get those stanky licks?

Elliott Kalan

[3:58] So he has his own stank house where he hangs the licks to make sure they get good and sticky.

[4:04] You ever wash those licks?

[4:05] No.

Stuart Wellington

[4:06] You don't wash them.

[4:07] No, man.

[4:08] Oh, man.

[4:09] Yeah.

[4:09] So, yeah, you got to season them.

[4:11] So we went to...

[4:14] The smoke you used.

[4:15] It just so happened that we scheduled our live show on the week.

[4:19] I mean...

Dan McCoy

[4:19] It was a beautiful coincidence.

[4:21] Yes.

[4:21] Okay.

[4:22] I mean, it might not...

[4:23] I thought this was part of your evil plan from the start.

Stuart Wellington

[4:25] I'm like, I wish I was that clever.

[4:27] I wish I was like, I did research.

Elliott Kalan

[4:29] That's the kind of evil plan it would take a Dracula to come up with.

[4:32] But what happened is we...

[4:33] With his magic perfume.

[4:33] We booked a show this weekend.

Stuart Wellington

[4:35] That'll make more sense later.

[4:36] And then Alex pointed out that this weekend also happens to be the weekend of Louder Than Life,

[4:42] the heavy metal festival here in Louisville, which is a huge festival.

[4:46] And the night before our show happened to be the like old folks home night of metal shows.

Elliott Kalan

[4:52] I mean, the one...

[4:53] It was the night we would have...

[4:55] I mean, it would have been really sad if it lined up so that the night...

[4:58] The day we could go, the night we could go, was the night that Limp Bizkit was playing

[5:02] or something like that.

[5:02] I mean, they're an awful...

[5:03] Which is later in the weekend.

Stuart Wellington

[5:03] I mean, they've had a bit of a cultural reevaluation.

[5:06] I don't necessarily agree with it.

Elliott Kalan

[5:07] I don't want to listen to them is what I'm saying.

[5:09] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[5:10] So we went to the festival and it was like 90 degrees?

[5:15] At least.

Dan McCoy

[5:15] It was 95 degrees and the feels like temperature, according to my app, was 103.

[5:21] Wow.

[5:21] Dan was...

Elliott Kalan

[5:22] I was afraid Dan was going to melt.

[5:24] His skin was liquefying.

Dan McCoy

[5:25] I did have to take a break.

[5:26] Like, Elliot was locked into watching Alice Cooper.

[5:30] And, you know...

[5:31] I want to see him.

[5:32] Yeah.

[5:32] Stuart and Alex and Charlene were like, we're over in the amusement park.

[5:37] This was like Heldon amusement park.

[5:38] You could go over to the amusement park side.

[5:40] And I was like, I'm going to go over there for the shade.

[5:43] And Elliot's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[5:44] I'll see you later.

Elliott Kalan

[5:45] I don't give a shit, man.

[5:46] Danzig is on right after this.

[5:47] And then Megadeth is on right after Danzig.

Stuart Wellington

[5:49] Yeah, we got to see Danzig start a set from the top of the Ferris wheel.

Elliott Kalan

[5:54] And I was like, I think I see a little Danzig around.

[5:57] Yeah, but I...

[5:58] Something that listeners may not know about me, if I can talk about myself for a second,

[6:01] something I rarely do.

[6:02] Yeah.

[6:03] I'm loath to do.

[6:04] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[6:04] You're a closed book.

[6:05] You may...

[6:06] Yeah, I'm incredibly close.

[6:07] The only reason why the book is closed is because the cover was ripped off and the pages

[6:12] were flying out.

[6:13] The...

[6:14] I don't look like it.

[6:15] I look like a frail little nerdy guy, which I am in a certain way.

[6:19] But I am capable of withstanding enormous amounts of pain and discomfort.

[6:22] So the heat didn't bother me.

[6:24] Like, I'm dealing with some back pain right now.

[6:26] Did not bother me.

[6:28] I was going to see these acts perform.

[6:29] I'm not going to get a chance to maybe ever because they're all old.

[6:33] You know, they can die at any moment.

[6:34] I learned that when I turned down a chance to go to a Tom Petty show at the Hollywood Bowl

[6:39] because Tom Petty's fine, but I don't love his music.

[6:40] And then he died right afterwards.

[6:42] And I was like, well, if he...

[6:43] I knew it was his last show, I would have gone to it.

[6:45] Why didn't anyone tell me he was going to die right after the show?

[6:47] Yeah, he should have told you.

[6:48] He should have called.

[6:48] He should have called me.

[6:49] Hey, Elliot, I know you weren't going to come to the show, but I'm not planning on surviving

[6:54] much longer.

[6:55] Oh, okay.

[6:55] Thanks, Tom.

[6:56] How'd you get my number?

[6:57] Well, you know, when you're famous, you have everybody's phone number.

Stuart Wellington

[7:01] Really?

[7:02] Alice Cooper's associated with being kind of a scary act.

[7:05] And I think the real terror was like, will this old man die in the heat?

[7:09] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[7:09] He's 78 years old.

[7:11] And I'm like, he is...

[7:13] Yeah, he's wearing leather pants in the heat.

Stuart Wellington

[7:16] Face makeup.

[7:16] I mean, I don't think he can take those off at this point.

[7:19] They're like...

[7:19] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[7:20] Those were just...

[7:20] That's just his skin.

[7:21] Yeah.

[7:22] I mean, he made it...

[7:22] He was actually naked from the waist down.

Dan McCoy

[7:24] I now fear that he will have passed by the time this episode...

[7:27] We're doing this like about a month in advance.

Elliott Kalan

[7:30] Oh, then in which case we'll say Alice, rest in peace.

[7:32] Beautiful eulogy.

[7:33] Yeah.

[7:33] Great show.

[7:34] And so the...

[7:35] So anyway, I was fine with just standing and watching the acts...

[7:38] Yeah.

[7:38] ...as opposed to sitting.

[7:40] Sun, baking down, no hat.

[7:42] I should have brought a hat.

Stuart Wellington

[7:43] I think you should have also dressed like...

[7:45] I don't have a lot of head cover.

[7:45] ...many of the festival goers in like fetish wear or just lingerie.

[7:49] I should have done that.

[7:50] Yeah.

[7:51] But we did not.

[7:52] We...

[7:52] And we stuck it out all the way to...

[7:56] We were there for eight hours.

[7:57] We were there for eight hours.

[7:59] We managed to see...

[8:00] You know, we saw our Danzig's.

[8:02] We saw some Megadeth, which Dave Mustaine gave no weird political speeches, which is great.

Elliott Kalan

[8:07] I was very thankful for.

[8:09] I was expecting.

[8:09] Because I do want to say for any listeners who are aware, I do not...

[8:13] Megadeth, I'm a fan of their music.

[8:15] Do not condone any of Dave Mustaine's political beliefs.

[8:18] He and I are on very opposite sides of things.

Stuart Wellington

[8:20] I like to think that for the most part, you should assume that I disagree with most musicians'

[8:25] political beliefs unless I state otherwise.

[8:27] I mean, I'm sure I disagree with Danzig's political beliefs also.

[8:30] That goes without saying.

[8:32] Or the frontman of the band we saw after Megadeth, which was Pantera, because I do not agree with

[8:38] Phil Anselmo's beliefs.

Elliott Kalan

[8:39] Well, there at least...

[8:40] Also, it's like, I know Pantera is not a band I listen to much.

[8:43] And so watching them, I was like, yeah, this is not really the flavor of metal that I'm...

[8:47] I'm most attracted to.

Stuart Wellington

[8:48] Yeah, a lot.

[8:50] To paraphrase what a Stavros bit, like, Pantera fans...

[8:55] Like, Pantera's music always sounds like you just fucked Phil Anselmo's girlfriend.

[9:00] Like, he is so, like, mad at you.

[9:02] He's so mad at you.

Elliott Kalan

[9:03] But it was funny.

[9:03] He would play these songs where he was very mad at you.

[9:05] And then afterwards, he's like, oh, man, you're a great fucking audience.

[9:08] This is...

[9:08] We're having a good time.

[9:09] Let's hear about it for all the acts on the bill.

[9:11] Great bill.

[9:12] Thanks so much, everybody, for being here.

[9:13] It means a lot to us.

[9:14] Anyway, fuck you, I'm not a man.

Dan McCoy

[9:15] Which is the opposite of Iron Maiden, which did a fantastic show, but then seemed like

[9:22] to have a delight in belittling...

[9:25] Yeah, you gotta bully us.

Elliott Kalan

[9:26] And so it ended with Iron Maiden.

[9:27] They did a two-hour set, pretty much.

[9:28] Yeah.

[9:28] And it was a full show, not just, like, a festival-abbreviated show.

[9:33] They were amazing.

[9:33] But, yeah, in between songs, Bruce Dickens is like, well, we're not coming back to this

[9:36] fucking place.

[9:37] I love it.

[9:38] Because we will see you again, not here.

Stuart Wellington

[9:42] Oh, man.

[9:42] That was so funny.

[9:44] What a joy.

[9:45] Yeah.

[9:46] Yeah.

[9:46] To get nerdy for a second, I feel like, like, Pantera has this...

Elliott Kalan

[9:51] I don't think there's really room for that on this podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[9:52] Pantera has this, like, angry attitude where he's super aggressive.

[9:56] But, like, there's something very off-putting about it compared to something like Napalm

[10:00] Death, where Barney is, like, the most scary, angry man.

[10:05] Like, he sounds not like a guy trying to be scary, but, like, you are trapped with an insane

[10:11] person that you bumped into on the street.

[10:13] But his, at least, he at least has good political beliefs.

[10:17] So I'm like, okay, well, that's cool.

[10:19] This brings me closer for some reason.

Elliott Kalan

[10:20] I mean, I don't know.

[10:21] There's something about, I don't know.

[10:22] But the round of the Pantera crowd was one of the few times...

[10:27] I kept saying...

[10:27] I was saying to Stuart, like, when I was deep in the crowd, because I would try to get close

[10:31] to the stage, I was always like, there's so many guys in this crowd who want to beat

[10:34] the shit out of me right now, or would do it easily.

[10:36] And the Pantera crowd was the one where I felt it the most.

[10:38] Yeah, the Pantera...

Stuart Wellington

[10:38] Pantera's music, like, feeling inspired by Pantera, you're like, man, I should have become

[10:43] a cop.

Elliott Kalan

[10:45] Or with Iron Maiden, it's like, I really should be a romantic era poet.

[10:48] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[10:49] Yeah, I should have paid more attention in English class.

Dan McCoy

[10:52] I'm not a metal person in general.

[10:55] I was taken along on this trip by my two metalhead friends.

[11:00] Three metalhead friends with Alex.

[11:02] Yes, that's true.

[11:02] Don't forget.

[11:03] Never forget, Alex.

Elliott Kalan

[11:04] Never forget.

[11:05] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[11:07] You owe it to him.

[11:08] But I did enjoy...

[11:09] I mean, like, I also think that they put on the best show just in general, but I enjoyed

[11:13] Iron Maiden a lot because they had the most, like, theater kid energy to what they were

[11:17] doing.

Elliott Kalan

[11:17] Oh, constant costume changes.

[11:18] Yeah, it's great.

[11:19] Bruce Dickinson skipping everywhere.

Stuart Wellington

[11:21] The moment when he, like, did, like, the most awkward segue to, like, lead into Rhyme

[11:27] of the Ancient Mariner.

[11:28] And I got so excited.

[11:31] And I'm like, oh, oh.

[11:31] And he's like, if you're not a diehard Iron Maiden fan, you're not going to get this song.

[11:37] I'm like, bitch, this is like...

[11:39] Samuel Coleridge is like, what the fuck?

[11:41] This isn't your idea.

[11:45] That's my Samuel Coleridge.

[11:48] Bitch, please.

[11:49] Dead off.

[11:49] Bitch.

Dan McCoy

[11:50] A pleasure dome he decreed.

[11:53] But this isn't a metal podcast.

[11:57] Should we get into that most metal of vampires, Dracula?

[12:01] He is, I mean...

[12:02] He's kind of metal.

[12:02] He's in the conversation.

Elliott Kalan

[12:03] He's certainly in the conversation.

[12:05] I don't think he would listen to it.

Stuart Wellington

[12:06] There's not a cyber Dracula who is the most metal.

Elliott Kalan

[12:08] I think there was...

[12:09] Dracula 2000.

[12:10] Dracula 2000.

[12:11] Dracula 2000, I think it's the part where he's...

Stuart Wellington

[12:12] Is there, like, a dracosaurus that's like a truckasaurus, but he's a Dracula?

[12:16] Probably, yeah.

[12:17] It's a truck dinosaur Dracula.

Elliott Kalan

[12:18] That's a pretty metal Dracula.

[12:19] It would be.

[12:20] There's the part of the thing in Dracula 2000 where he turns on some kind of early 2000s

[12:24] or late 90s metal music and he goes, oh, wonderful, or something like that.

[12:28] I love it.

[12:29] I was like, I don't think he really would love it.

[12:32] So let's talk about Dracula.

[12:33] So the thing about this Dracula is this is the new version that was directed by Luc Besson,

[12:38] best known still probably for the...

[12:40] Another person we don't agree with.

[12:41] Yeah, best known for the professional and for his interest in underage girls.

[12:45] Yeah.

[12:46] And so we don't...

[12:47] I feel like that's...

[12:49] It's the professional, but also...

[12:50] Wait.

[12:51] Fifth element.

[12:52] Yeah.

[12:52] That's a big one.

[12:53] That's his other really big one.

[12:55] Yeah.

[12:55] And he's made other movies, but...

[12:56] And he is a...

[12:57] He's a stylist.

[12:58] He was part of the French film movement of the 90s that was...

[13:02] And I guess late 80s that was about style over substance.

[13:05] Like, officially, like, we are about style.

Dan McCoy

[13:08] Yeah.

[13:08] Like, what was it?

[13:09] Like, something do image?

[13:10] Like, film do image or something like that?

[13:11] Yeah, something like that.

Elliott Kalan

[13:13] And let's just say from right off the bat, we do not approve of his personal life.

Dan McCoy

[13:17] He seems to be a bad man.

Elliott Kalan

[13:19] He seems to be not great.

[13:20] Reports.

[13:20] And this version of Dracula seems to be a...

[13:24] I think among his greatest crimes, though, is his misunderstanding of the Dracula story.

[13:28] Yeah, yeah.

[13:29] Walk him up.

[13:29] As portrayed in this.

[13:30] And the funniest thing about this version of Dracula is that...

[13:33] Send the fucking gendarmes after him.

[13:35] We all did some research and saw that he was like, I had to go back to the original book because there's this beautiful love story in the book.

[13:41] And it's like, that's not in the book.

Dan McCoy

[13:43] That's in Francis Ford Coppola's Bram Stoker's Dracula.

Elliott Kalan

[13:46] You did not read the book.

[13:48] So it's very funny that he was presenting this.

Stuart Wellington

[13:51] Yeah, I forgot about the big sections of the book where a bunch of fucking little gargoyle babies run around.

Elliott Kalan

[13:57] There's two wonderful introductions to Dracula mythos in this.

[14:01] One is his CGI gargoyle henchman.

[14:04] And the other is his...

[14:05] Perfume.

[14:06] His perfume expertise.

Stuart Wellington

[14:07] I can't put enough stress on how good the perfume stuff is.

[14:11] That's the best stuff in the book.

[14:13] Easily.

[14:14] It feels like he's like, well, I really want to make this movie about a guy controlling people with perfume.

[14:20] But they say they'd only give me money if I said it was about Dracula.

Elliott Kalan

[14:22] I tried to license the book Perfume, which they did make a movie of, but they wouldn't let me.

Dan McCoy

[14:26] I also want to say, while we're talking about this non-love story that's not from Bram Stoker's book,

[14:33] there's the other...

[14:34] An interesting thing is, obviously, we cannot know the sexuality of deceased authors,

[14:41] but there's a lot of credible speculation that Bram Stoker was gay or bisexual.

[14:46] And to me, it sort of comes out in the book where I feel like the early stuff with Jonathan Harker,

[14:52] where he's keeping Jonathan Harker in the castle, is the stuff with the most juice.

[14:56] And it kind of loses steam for me when he switches to Mina as the focus of his...

Elliott Kalan

[15:03] Well, certainly, when his relationship with Mina, in the book at least,

[15:06] in my remembering of the reading of it, because I've only read it a couple times,

[15:09] is that she is a tool for him to get at the men who he wants to get at.

[15:14] Like, he is not really that interested in her as anything other than, I think, a...

[15:20] Like a pawn.

[15:21] A vessel.

[15:21] Yeah, a pawn.

[15:22] And maybe that's misreading a little bit.

[15:23] But each version after that has built in this romantic attachment to Mina.

[15:29] Yeah, a love story across the ages.

[15:30] And I will say, like, Dracula...

[15:32] When I see a bad Dracula movie, I'm not like, how dare they?

[15:35] Because there's so many of them.

[15:36] Dracula is such a literally immortal character that, like, they'll be making Dracula movies

[15:40] 400 years from now, probably.

[15:42] You know, where Dracula tri-D hologram sniff of visions or whatever they have.

[15:46] Sounds good.

[15:47] Sure.

[15:47] But I feel the same way...

[15:50] What about Quibi?

[15:50] Can they do it on Quibi?

[15:51] I want a quick bite of Dracula.

Stuart Wellington

[15:53] He also wants a quick bite.

[15:54] A quick bite of you.

Elliott Kalan

[15:58] You want a quick bite of Dracula.

[16:00] I'm pressing you.

[16:01] Dracula wants a quick bite of you.

[16:02] I'm doing a fucking stand-up set, huh?

[16:03] Yeah, so that's Yakov Smirnoff's what a streaming platform.

[16:07] Quibi, what a streaming platform.

[16:09] Yakov Smirnoff would have made a good Dracula.

[16:11] He would have made a hilarious...

[16:13] They should...

[16:14] When he was a hot comic, they should have made a movie where he is a Dracula who...

[16:19] A Dracula who immigrates to America and is enamored of America, but is also a vampire.

[16:23] What a fun movie that movie is.

Dan McCoy

[16:24] I probably mentioned this on the podcast before, but when I was early...

Elliott Kalan

[16:28] And by fun movie, I mean it would have been a terrible movie.

Dan McCoy

[16:31] When I was early in New York, I can't remember whether it was from my wife at the time's job

[16:37] or my internship at the local NPR station.

[16:42] Flash dancers.

[16:43] But somehow, we got free tickets to...

[16:46] Yakov Smirnoff was trying to do a Broadway show.

Elliott Kalan

[16:48] Oh, I remember when he had that show up, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[16:50] And we went and saw it, and we were like...

[16:52] We saw the first half of it, and we're like,

[16:54] Oh, that was okay.

[16:56] That was like, not bad.

[16:58] Better than we expected.

[16:59] We have no interest in seeing the second half.

Stuart Wellington

[17:01] Yeah, it was the name of the Broadway show,

[17:04] My Dad's Russian, My Mom's a Comic.

[17:05] I'm...

[17:06] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[17:08] I think it was called like America, I Love You or something like that.

[17:10] Yeah.

[17:11] So, but anyway, that's all to say that Dracula is one of those immortal stories

[17:14] like Shakespeare's plays or The Odyssey or something where it's like,

[17:18] do what you want with it.

[17:19] Like, it's not going away.

[17:21] Yeah.

[17:21] So, but that being said, he makes some interesting choices in this one.

[17:24] So we start 1480 A.D. Eastern Europe.

[17:28] There's this wind-up music box that's playing a song as a man and a woman

[17:32] who will learn our Vlad and his...

Stuart Wellington

[17:34] So, see, a wind-up music box, that's another theme of Shocktober.

Elliott Kalan

[17:37] Well, if only Matthew Lillard was in Dracula.

[17:40] I was hoping.

[17:41] Shocktober would have had its theme.

[17:43] So, a man and a woman, Vlad and Elisabetta, they're married.

[17:48] They're having sex.

[17:48] They're having pillow fights.

[17:49] They're feeding each other.

[17:50] They're doing lovey things.

[17:51] They clearly love each other.

[17:52] They're also shooting pillows with guns.

[17:54] That's how you know you're in love.

[17:55] Well, how you know you're in love is what they do next.

[17:56] They sprinkle rose pebbles on each other.

[17:58] They sure hate your pillows.

[17:59] Yeah.

[17:59] They smear food on each other.

[18:01] And they seem to like to pretend to convulse in front of each other.

[18:05] Like, at a certain point, passion becomes epilepsy, the way that they do it.

[18:10] Knights in armor arrive.

[18:11] They tell Vlad, who is, of course, a prince of Transylvania, that the kingdom.

[18:16] Wallachia.

[18:17] Wallachia.

[18:17] Yeah, thank you.

[18:18] The kingdom is under attack.

[18:20] And the knights take him away.

[18:21] They dress him in his monster armor, which looks pretty cool.

[18:23] He's got to have monster armor.

[18:25] Pretty cool.

Stuart Wellington

[18:26] But the problem is that, again, the fucking Francis Ford Coppola armor is still, like, peak monster armor.

[18:32] Sure.

[18:32] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[18:33] The, like, red, red shit.

[18:34] Well, also, like, you know, Luc Besson.

[18:37] If he's going to bring anything to Dracula, you're like, okay, well, he's going to bring some sort of, like, nutty visual flair.

[18:44] But we have that, again, like, Francis Ford Coppola's version goes so much further.

Elliott Kalan

[18:48] It's already, like, yeah, luxuriously over the top in David's visuals.

[18:52] Yeah.

[18:53] But, and also, Francis Ford Coppola, I assume, had ten times the budget, maybe.

[18:57] Yes.

[18:58] That Luc Besson has.

[19:00] Elisabetta says, yes, she can't, I can't survive without you, so come back, you know, from these wars against the Turk.

[19:06] The bishop blesses the king so he can fight the Muslims.

[19:09] And the king, Vlad, tells the bishop, tell God, while I'm gone, don't kill my wife.

[19:14] But if she dies, kill me too, because I can't live without her.

[19:18] And he rides off.

[19:19] I mean, if it's really important, you should tell God himself.

Dan McCoy

[19:22] I know that probably at this time you feel like you need someone, an intermediary.

[19:27] But he's kind of leaving a message.

Elliott Kalan

[19:29] Just judging by the way, when Tevye talks to God, it doesn't really get results.

[19:32] Right, right.

[19:33] And so I feel like it's a lot of, like, how do I get, how do I talk to someone who has pull with God?

[19:38] Yeah, would this constitute a contract with God?

[19:41] In a way.

[19:42] But, again, the contract with God also does not actually bear fruit, metaphorically.

[19:47] So that's something that.

[19:49] Except for awards.

[19:50] I feel like.

[19:51] Except for a dubious distinction as perhaps the first graphic novel.

Dan McCoy

[19:54] Doesn't it work for a while, but then he wants to renegotiate, and that's kind of the issue?

[19:59] I don't think so.

Elliott Kalan

[20:00] No, I don't believe so, if I'm remembering correctly.

[20:03] I think it's that he loses it.

[20:05] He loses faith because God breaks the contract.

[20:08] We're, of course, talking about Will Eisner's A Contract.

Dan McCoy

[20:12] The Spirit.

[20:14] You could look it up or don't.

Elliott Kalan

[20:16] I mean, you can't.

[20:17] It's a good book.

[20:18] It's a good book.

[20:19] It's a book of short stories.

[20:20] Some of them are great.

[20:21] One or two of them are like, meh, or a little troublesome.

[20:24] But it's, if you want to read a comic book about Jewish people.

[20:28] If you want to read a comic book, it is one.

[20:29] If you want to read a comic book about Jewish people on the Lower East Side, Will Eisner's work is where you can go for that.

[20:33] Yeah, it's good.

[20:34] Yeah.

[20:34] Don't go to James Sturm's work.

[20:36] His work is about the old country often.

[20:38] Oh, cool.

[20:39] Yeah.

[20:39] But anyway, we're about baseball teams.

[20:40] Anyway, so.

[20:42] But Jewish baseball teams.

[20:43] So the queen's supposed to go to another castle for safety, obviously, so that when Mario's looking for her, he can find just a toad in a sack and say, no, your queen's in a castle.

Stuart Wellington

[20:54] I do like the visual image of her like riding around with this crazy long train.

[21:01] Yes.

[21:01] I think the style is mainly dedicated to her outfits.

Elliott Kalan

[21:06] Yes.

[21:07] I think there's a, when she is in action in those outfits, it is a level of what I would call November rain melodrama.

[21:15] Thank you.

[21:15] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[21:16] Which is welcome.

[21:16] Which is perfect in a vampire.

[21:17] Yes.

[21:18] A Dracula movie.

Elliott Kalan

[21:18] A vampire movie should have that level of melodrama and like glorious romance.

[21:23] I mean, in a lot of ways, November rain is about vampires.

[21:26] I mean, Hollywood vampires.

[21:28] Wait, were any of the members of the Hollywood vampires?

Stuart Wellington

[21:31] They feel like it.

Elliott Kalan

[21:32] Also, it appears.

[21:33] They feel like it.

[21:34] I mean, Slash is fairly vampiric.

Stuart Wellington

[21:35] I feel like they're like, if they're not, they're not like brothers, but they're certainly cousins.

[21:39] Sure, sure.

[21:40] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[21:40] It appears like they're shooting in like, you know, locations that are like of the time, of the period that have been preserved.

[21:47] Like.

Elliott Kalan

[21:48] Yeah, I mean, there's forests and castles and stuff like that.

Dan McCoy

[21:49] Well, like the beautiful like palaces and rooms.

[21:52] Like, I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[21:53] Yeah, yeah.

[21:53] Yeah, they're preserved by the little gargoyle babies.

[21:56] Like whoever the location manager was on this movie did a good job.

[21:59] Yeah, that stuff was gorgeous.

[22:00] Did a great job.

[22:01] Yeah.

[22:01] Whoever was scouting did a great job.

[22:03] So, but the queen, we see two things now.

[22:06] There's a battle scene, but at the same time, the queen, her guard is ambushed.

[22:10] Oh, no.

[22:10] She's on the run.

[22:11] She's no longer protected.

[22:13] Vlad, he's fighting a battle.

[22:15] First, he starts with a wall of CGI fire to hold back the enemy troops.

[22:20] And there's lots of shield and sword clanging, lots of sped up motion.

[22:24] Vlad wins his battle.

[22:25] He's got lots of impaled heads.

[22:27] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[22:27] They're like, the sultan is watching from his camp tent and he sees just a wall of heads get erected.

[22:33] Yeah.

[22:33] And wall of heads is a pretty good album cover.

[22:35] That's a great Cannibal Corpse song.

[22:37] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[22:37] And he leaves and Vlad gets word his queen is in the forest of wolves.

[22:42] Oh, no.

[22:43] Oh, no.

[22:43] That's the worst forest of wolves.

[22:44] Yeah.

[22:45] The forest of cakes is a much better forest to be in.

Stuart Wellington

[22:49] Weirdly enough, the wolves aren't the problem in this forest, though.

[22:52] No, that's true.

Elliott Kalan

[22:52] Because she's being chased by Ottoman troops.

[22:55] That's the real problem.

Stuart Wellington

[22:55] And it's like lousy with bear traps.

[22:58] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[22:58] It seems to be she's riding through the field of bear traps and they're all hidden under snow.

[23:03] So, they catch some of the bad guys.

[23:05] The rapper?

[23:06] Yes.

[23:07] Yeah.

[23:07] Informer.

[23:07] And so forth.

[23:08] Name another snow song.

[23:12] If you're going to wear the Informer t-shirt, Dan.

[23:15] Dan, don't.

[23:16] You caught me.

[23:17] I'm a big fan.

[23:18] I wouldn't bring it up normally, but he is wearing a shirt that says world's biggest snow

[23:21] fan.

Dan McCoy

[23:22] Licky boom boom down in big letters.

Elliott Kalan

[23:25] Dan does use the catchphrase licky boom boom down.

Stuart Wellington

[23:28] I mean, it's kind of fucked up that they made that shirt and sold it if there's only one world's

[23:33] biggest fan.

Elliott Kalan

[23:34] Because it's like a Highlander type thing.

[23:35] They're supposed to fight each other until there's only one left.

[23:37] Same thing with like world's greatest dad, right?

[23:39] Exactly.

[23:39] You have to fight the other dad.

[23:40] Eventually, I will meet all the other dads on the field of battle, wielding only a mug.

[23:44] Yeah.

[23:45] We'll see who wins.

Stuart Wellington

[23:46] Or world's meanest grandma.

[23:47] World's meanest grandma.

[23:49] Why would you make a mug that says that?

Elliott Kalan

[23:51] And I say that as someone who had a mean grandma.

[23:54] I loved her deeply, but still.

[23:56] So Vlad arrives.

[23:58] So one of the bear traps catches her horse and then her leg.

[24:02] Vlad arrives, kills a bunch of the troops.

[24:04] But I couldn't tell if he killed the last one too late or if he accidentally threw a sword

[24:08] through his wife.

Stuart Wellington

[24:09] That's how I saw it.

[24:11] The sword he threw in his rage and his, I don't know.

[24:16] Like I feel like he's stunting on these guys to throw swords.

Elliott Kalan

[24:19] And it went through the bad guy into his wife.

[24:21] Yes.

[24:21] Okay.

[24:22] I was not fully clear on whether the bad guy had stabbed her or if he had been stabbed,

[24:26] she had been stabbed by Vlad.

Stuart Wellington

[24:27] Which is a little bonkers that a thrown sword would do that.

[24:31] I just feel.

Elliott Kalan

[24:32] I mean, to be fair, this is a movie about a vampire.

[24:34] Yeah.

[24:34] So certain physics have to be thrown in the window.

[24:36] Thank you.

[24:37] But you would have to have enormous arm strength to hurl a blade like that, which is not that

[24:41] sharp a blade.

[24:42] Like those blades are not made for that kind of work really.

[24:47] But like for it to then go through a human body.

[24:50] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[24:50] A large part of it is the heaviness of the metal that you are.

[24:54] And it's not weighted for being thrown.

[24:56] No, not at all.

[24:57] No.

[24:58] But this also adds an extra level to him blaming God for his misfortune.

[25:01] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[25:02] Since it's his fault.

[25:03] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[25:03] That was his oopsie.

[25:04] I think maybe that's why God does not take the blame yet.

Elliott Kalan

[25:07] This is your oopsie.

[25:10] This is my boner.

[25:11] It's your boner, Vlad.

[25:14] That was back when boner meant a mistake.

[25:16] Yes, exactly.

[25:16] Not hard wieners.

[25:17] Yeah.

[25:17] It didn't just mean Kirk Cameron's best friend on growing pains.

[25:21] Yeah.

[25:22] So Vlad confronts the bishop and he's like, tell God to bring my wife back.

[25:26] And the bishop is like, God doesn't do that.

[25:28] Just one dude comes back and he's God.

[25:31] And so Vlad kills him and renounces God.

[25:33] Thunder, lightning.

[25:34] The crucifix cries blood.

[25:37] And then we skip forward.

[25:39] Skip ahead.

[25:39] 400 years later, we're in Paris in the 1880s.

[25:42] Everyone's breakdancing.

[25:45] And we get our name actor for the movie, Christoph Waltz.

[25:50] He shows up eating lunch in a church.

Stuart Wellington

[25:52] Guys, and I'm going to go on a limb here.

[25:53] I think he's fine in this movie.

[25:55] He is.

[25:55] He's pretty fun.

Elliott Kalan

[25:56] He doesn't do a lot.

[25:57] He's fine.

[25:58] But his character is supposed to be pretty cash.

[26:00] So I think it works okay.

Stuart Wellington

[26:01] Like, it also looks like for hair and makeup, he was like, no, I'm good.

[26:06] I like, you want to run a comb through that thing?

[26:08] He's like, nah, it's all right.

Dan McCoy

[26:09] There's no Van Helsing in this movie, but he's sort of the Van Helsing equivalent.

[26:14] He's just a priest, a local priest who, you know, has a sideline, I guess, fighting the

[26:19] forces of evil, but we're just, you know, connected.

[26:23] It's not like that much of a sideline.

[26:25] But I do like how casual he is toward the end of the movie.

[26:27] Not to give spoilers this early, but like how he's just kind of like chill when Dracula

[26:35] is threatening him.

[26:36] He's like, do you really want to do this?

[26:38] You got to think about this.

Stuart Wellington

[26:39] That he's a member of an order who has been seeking, we'll learn, has been seeking out

[26:43] vampires to try and find the like ur-vampire for 400 years.

[26:48] And when it's done, he's like, yep, the evil's cleansed.

[26:52] See ya.

[26:52] That's it.

[26:53] Peace out.

[26:54] Finally, I can take a nap.

Elliott Kalan

[26:55] And he is very much, he's called just the priest or he's never really given a name.

[26:59] He's the Van Helsing figure in this movie.

[27:02] He shows up.

[27:03] He's handling special missions to the Vatican, as we'll find out later.

[27:06] He's hunting out vampires.

[27:08] He's there for a case that's, he's in Paris, because there's a case that's very concerning

[27:11] to the Queen of England.

[27:13] And I was like, I'm not, I don't really, wasn't quite sure why that was the case.

[27:17] Other than that, Dracula the book is set in England rather than in France.

[27:21] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[27:22] That adds a little sort of like League of Extraordinary Gentlemen sort of flavor.

[27:25] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[27:27] And there's a doctor who takes, waltz to a Parisian asylum where Maria, the Italian fiancee of the

[27:36] Queen's nephew, is being held.

[27:37] That's why it's, that's why it's, it's his, why the Queen is involved.

[27:40] And there's documents they found that show Maria is 135 years old.

Stuart Wellington

[27:44] I mean, back then documents were fucked up.

[27:47] Dubious, yeah.

[27:48] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[27:48] And she, when, when we find out.

Stuart Wellington

[27:50] It's not like it's like a fucking, like, one of those, like, those enhanced driver's licenses

[27:55] or something, right?

[27:56] The real ID.

[27:57] Yeah.

[27:57] All documents were fucked up back then.

[27:59] Have you read the Bible?

[28:00] There's some weird stuff in there.

Elliott Kalan

[28:01] There's some crazy stuff.

[28:02] This guy gets eaten by a fish.

[28:03] Yeah.

[28:04] And then he's fine.

Stuart Wellington

[28:06] What is this, whale fall?

[28:08] Have you seen that trailer?

[28:09] That trailer's crazy.

Dan McCoy

[28:11] I have, I have not seen the trailer yet.

[28:14] I read the book because a former Flophouse guest, Gillian Flynn, actually recommended

[28:21] the book.

[28:22] Oh, okay.

[28:22] I heard it's good.

[28:23] Yeah, the book was pretty good.

[28:25] I, I don't know how they're going to make that into a fucking movie.

[28:28] I mean, I just think it's, it was hard enough to.

[28:29] So much of it is internal.

Elliott Kalan

[28:30] It was hard enough to believe that the movie.

[28:32] Inside the whale.

Dan McCoy

[28:32] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[28:33] But the trailer, it was so funny because the trailer, I've seen it twice play immediately

[28:38] after the Resident Evil trailer and both star Austin Abrams.

[28:42] And there's just something so funny about like, okay, so this guy's like learning about

[28:46] diving.

[28:47] Oh my, wait, wait, there's a, wait, now he's in the whale?

[28:51] Okay.

[28:52] That's, that's the whole movie.

Elliott Kalan

[28:53] No, it's just hard.

[28:54] It's hard for it was for me to believe that the moon would fall into the earth and crush

[28:58] it.

[28:58] The idea that there's a giant whale falling from space that's going to crush the earth.

[29:01] I just don't buy it.

[29:03] I mean, in Hitchhiker's that one whale falls out of space, but it's not so big.

[29:06] It's going to crush the earth.

Stuart Wellington

[29:07] Even Douglas Adams' prodigious imagination couldn't imagine that far.

[29:13] A giant whale?

Dan McCoy

[29:14] Oh no.

[29:14] It could be an extinction event though.

[29:17] I mean, like you get a big enough asteroid, you know, it's going to.

Elliott Kalan

[29:20] The asteroid that caused the dinosaur extinction was the size of Manhattan.

[29:23] You would need a whale the size of Manhattan.

[29:26] Okay.

[29:26] With the density of an asteroid.

[29:27] I don't have one of those.

[29:28] Do you have one?

[29:29] No, I don't.

[29:29] Where would you keep it?

[29:31] Manhattan.

[29:35] You're like, oh, the storage costs on this Manhattan-sized whaler driving me.

[29:40] I can't afford anything.

[29:41] Oh God.

[29:41] The square footage.

Stuart Wellington

[29:42] I'm not trying to upgrade from Manhattan mini storage to Manhattan maxi storage.

[29:46] That's a little local flavor.

Elliott Kalan

[29:48] I don't like their advertising.

[29:49] I find it pandering.

[29:50] It's the only place that I can store a whale this big.

Dan McCoy

[29:52] You're keeping a whale in there.

[29:54] It smells like a whale of snow, sir.

Elliott Kalan

[29:56] No, no, no, not at all.

[29:58] It smells real briny in here.

Dan McCoy

[29:59] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[29:59] I mean, the terms of your contract specifically state no whales.

[30:03] No whales.

[30:04] It's mostly furniture, some old CDs.

Elliott Kalan

[30:06] So why is it so briny?

[30:08] I'm pickling.

[30:08] I'm doing a lot of pickling in there.

[30:10] I need a storage place for my pickling.

[30:11] You're operating a pickling company out there?

[30:13] No, no, no, not a company.

[30:14] No, no.

[30:15] It's just I have jars of kimchi.

[30:17] I need a place to put them.

[30:20] All right.

[30:21] All right.

[30:21] Well, I also heard a like, that's the kimchi.

[30:25] Yeah, yeah.

[30:26] It's the gas.

[30:26] I'm playing a whale song, Sydney.

[30:28] It helps the kimchi pickle.

[30:30] Yeah, it helps the kimchi pickle, yeah.

[30:30] When it has the sound of its sonic vibrations.

[30:32] The microorganisms.

[30:34] They love it.

[30:35] They love the whale songs.

[30:36] So tracking.

[30:38] So the reason she's there is she had some kind of reaction to the priest at the wedding.

[30:43] She's chained up in the asylum.

[30:44] Waltz is like, we can't assume this is a superstition thing, but she's a vampire.

[30:50] And she wakes up.

[30:51] She's got fangs.

[30:52] She's toying with them.

[30:52] She does a lot of tongue movement.

[30:54] Yeah, yeah.

[30:54] And Krista Waltz is like, she's a vampire, all right.

[30:57] The first vampire ever captured alive.

[31:00] The direct ray of the sun burns her a little bit.

[31:02] And vampires are okay in the light as long as they're not in direct sunlight.

[31:06] Yeah, like gremlins.

[31:07] Like Gremis.

[31:07] Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[31:09] And he gives her-

[31:10] Unlike us at the metal festival yesterday.

[31:12] Oh, boy.

[31:12] Yeah.

[31:13] I was going to burst into flame.

[31:16] Waltz gives her some drops of blood from the doctor's student.

[31:18] And he finds the puncture wound on her neck, the bite of Dracula.

[31:22] Yeah.

[31:22] And he's like, we've been looking for the source vampire for 400 years.

[31:25] And she's like, ah, the master is a prince looking for his princess.

[31:30] Ew.

[31:31] Meanwhile, there's an Englishman.

[31:32] You know who he is.

[31:32] Jonathan Harker gets dropped off by a coach in the middle of the woods.

[31:35] There's wolves all around stalking him.

[31:37] There is very little actual wolf action in this movie considering Dracula is close to wolves.

[31:43] Low wolf, low bat.

[31:44] Yes.

[31:44] Yeah.

[31:45] Very little bat.

[31:45] High gargoyle.

[31:46] High gargoyle, low bat, low mist.

[31:48] You said, it's a Dracula movie.

[31:50] We're going to see wolves.

[31:51] We're going to see bats.

[31:52] No.

[31:52] You're going to see perfume.

[31:53] You're going to see gargoyles.

[31:54] Yeah.

[31:56] So he finds this big castle.

[31:58] This castle is enormous.

[32:00] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[32:00] Like it's huge.

[32:01] It's really spooky.

[32:02] Seemingly staffed by no one.

Elliott Kalan

[32:04] There's a part at a certain point he walks in and there's some noticeably

[32:07] Star of David shaped light arrangements in the background,

[32:10] which was the moment where I said, fuck you, fuck this movie.

[32:12] I don't like that.

[32:13] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[32:13] I mean, that is one of the like classic anti-Semitic trope elements.

Elliott Kalan

[32:17] That we're vampires.

[32:18] Yes.

[32:18] Very much.

[32:19] That we eat blood.

[32:20] Yeah.

[32:20] But also.

[32:21] Which is ironic.

[32:22] The ironic.

[32:22] Here's the guy thing about the blood libel guys.

[32:24] Yeah.

[32:24] They're like, oh yeah, they use Jewish children's blood to this.

[32:28] In kosher food, you can't eat blood.

[32:30] It's against the law.

[32:31] You cannot do it.

[32:32] That's why they drain the blood out of animals they butcher and the meat is really dry.

[32:37] And does not have enough flavor.

[32:38] So like, I would love to be, for my ancestors to be allowed to season their food with the

[32:43] blood of Gentile children, but it is not allowed.

[32:46] So they don't do it.

Stuart Wellington

[32:48] And this is where we meet 400 year old Dracula.

[32:52] And this is, I mean, this is the most clear moment where we're like, he is taking a direct

[32:59] inspiration from Bram Stoker's.

Elliott Kalan

[33:01] Because he is just like when Gary Oldman shows up with his butt shaped hair.

[33:05] Yeah.

[33:05] Like, it is just like that.

Stuart Wellington

[33:06] It's like, what if we did this, but like slightly different?

[33:09] Yes.

[33:10] He's old.

[33:10] The hair's a little less butt shaped.

[33:12] It's a flatter butt.

[33:13] But it's still silly.

Elliott Kalan

[33:13] It's still a silly haircut.

[33:14] And he's got like bangs.

[33:15] Yeah.

[33:16] Do you like my bangs?

[33:18] I wasn't sure about them.

[33:20] I went through a big life change recently.

Stuart Wellington

[33:23] I went through the hair salon and said, give me some bangs.

[33:26] And he thought I said bangs.

[33:28] I do like it though.

[33:29] But I mean, and I make these jokes, but I feel like.

[33:31] It covers my wide forehead.

[33:34] I feel like that is, like, we are only slightly sillier than the like general goofy attitude.

[33:41] Like, this Dracula is a little bit of a prankster and a goof.

[33:46] Like, he's making like little jokes.

[33:47] He makes quips.

[33:48] He's like making shit like fly around with his magic power.

[33:52] He's dead and loving it.

[33:54] He is dead and loving it.

[33:54] He is.

Dan McCoy

[33:56] I may be, I mean, I am looking for things to enjoy.

[33:59] But I actually like the performance pretty well.

Elliott Kalan

[34:01] He is the guy, he is a, he is playing a Dracula who, I don't believe him as being a tortured romantic.

[34:08] Yeah.

[34:08] But I do believe him as kind of a sly, goofy vampire.

Stuart Wellington

[34:12] He is so much more fun.

Elliott Kalan

[34:14] And I think he is.

[34:15] If they had called this Count Chocula.

[34:17] Yes.

[34:17] And it was an adaptation of Chocula, I'd be like, this is the way to play Count Chocula.

Stuart Wellington

[34:20] They're fucking gagging for shit like that.

[34:22] Yes, they are.

[34:23] Yeah.

[34:23] So, I mean, I think, I feel like this actor, whose name is a three name name that I don't remember.

[34:31] Caleb Landry Jones.

[34:31] Thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[34:32] And he's in, he's in lots of stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[34:34] He, I think he is best in the old kind of campy Dracula role.

[34:41] Yes.

[34:42] Like when he's the like tortured, like romantic, I feel like that doesn't quite fit his, his vibe.

Dan McCoy

[34:49] Well, yeah, I mean, well, at that point you're like, well, yeah, he needs that perfume to attract these ladies because he's a weirdo.

[34:55] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[34:56] He definitely has a weird aura about him.

[34:59] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[34:59] He's got, he's like, he's, he's a lot sexier when he's a weird old wrinkle man.

Elliott Kalan

[35:04] It's strange that way.

[35:05] Yeah.

[35:05] He has a, when, when he is, he, when he's driving those nuns wild as we'll get to.

[35:11] Yes.

[35:11] And they're orgying around him.

[35:12] I'm like, I believe it.

[35:13] But later on, uh, Mina falls for him so fast.

[35:17] And I was like, I don't buy this.

[35:18] He seems like a weirdo creep who keeps, won't leave her alone.

[35:21] So anyway, uh, they're eating a big, they, they go sit down to dinner.

[35:23] Jonathan eats a big dinner.

[35:24] As you said, Dracula's making dishes fly around.

[35:27] It's great.

[35:27] Uh, he's like the wizard in, in, uh, the sword and the stone.

Dan McCoy

[35:30] And I enjoy the fact that like Jonathan Harker like keeps sort of looking away whenever he does something magical.

Elliott Kalan

[35:36] He never sees it.

[35:37] Whenever Dracula's about to like dips, drops a blood into his mouth.

[35:40] He like kills a mouse on the table and then like squeezes the blood into his goblet and then puts, sticks his finger in.

[35:46] And then is taking drops of blood.

[35:47] Jonathan's always like enjoying looking at the babble.

Dan McCoy

[35:49] He sees the wooden crucifix that the coachman gave him for protection.

[35:53] He's like, are you religious?

[35:54] And he's like, oh no, no, no.

[35:55] This is from the coachman.

[35:56] And then like when he's looking away, he whisks it into the fire.

Stuart Wellington

[35:59] Like, whoop, uh, let me just deal with that.

[36:02] Get rid of that.

Elliott Kalan

[36:03] And, uh, and so they have it, they have it.

[36:05] This is kind of, it's a pretty fun scene.

[36:06] And he's like, Dracula's like, I don't go out much.

[36:08] I used to travel, but now I send my associates.

[36:10] I don't get around much anymore.

[36:13] And, uh, meanwhile, Jonathan unpacks in a little bit as Dracula listens to his gramophone.

[36:18] This is a modern Dracula.

[36:19] He has a gramophone.

[36:20] Uh, we go back to France and, uh, father Christoph Waltz.

[36:23] He inspects Maria's bedroom where he was the vampire.

[36:25] He finds a picture of Elisabetta that's been torn out of a book from Dracula's castle.

[36:30] And Harker is exploring the castle with a lantern.

[36:32] He, he finds Dracula in his coffin and Dracula is like, you should have gone to bed.

[36:36] Knocks him out.

[36:39] Having a nice stay.

[36:40] Pow.

[36:41] And when Harker wakes up.

Stuart Wellington

[36:42] Also, I'm like, it's nighttime.

[36:44] Why is he in bed, dude?

[36:45] This is like the only time he gets to hang out.

Elliott Kalan

[36:46] That's the crazy thing.

[36:49] He's like, why is he asleep now?

[36:51] Yeah.

[36:51] He's like trying to like, I mean, I think that's, yeah, that's fucked up.

[36:54] But, uh, and I forget if it's here or later that where Harker finds the book that the page has been ripped out of that we said, but anyway, it doesn't matter.

[37:01] Um, Harker wakes up in chains.

[37:03] Three CGI gargoyles are watching over him.

Stuart Wellington

[37:05] Which is, we're going to see more than three.

[37:07] Like they are.

[37:07] There's a lot of them, yeah.

[37:08] They are like the Oompa Loompas of this castle.

[37:11] They're all over the place.

[37:12] They don't sing songs, unfortunately.

Elliott Kalan

[37:14] Yeah, it would be so wonderful.

[37:15] Ak-la- Dracula.

[37:17] Here's what you'll do.

[37:19] I would love that.

[37:20] All of the blood is coming from you.

[37:24] Yeah, exactly.

[37:24] Draining from you.

[37:25] That's what it is.

[37:26] Yeah.

[37:26] Uh, so, uh, but these, but these also, these gargoyles, this is the first time you see them and I was like, wait, what?

[37:30] But I was hoping beyond hope they would each talk and have their own personality.

[37:34] Hey, Tommy, get out of my way.

[37:36] Yeah, I was waiting for it to be like Hunchback of Notre Dame, the Disney version.

[37:40] Yeah, like, uh, like Roger Rabbit's weasels, right?

[37:42] Exactly, exactly.

[37:43] Um, the, uh, Dracula talks to him about his, uh, philosophy of everyone being playthings of either God or the devil.

[37:50] And then he hangs Harker upside down as the gargoyles have like a basin and they're catching the blood that's dripping out of him.

[37:56] Yeah, he's gonna, he's gonna eat this fool.

[37:58] And Dracula at this, at this point, he's talking about God.

[38:01] He's rambling and he, he laughs and he makes a sound like a howler monkey.

[38:04] I was like, that is some laugh track.

[38:06] Um, and, uh, Jonathan Harker has his last wish.

[38:09] He wants to hear Dracula's story.

[38:11] Dracula can't resist that.

[38:13] So he, the gargoyles lower him down, they chain him to a chair.

Stuart Wellington

[38:15] Is that from, is that from the original, that's from the book, right?

[38:18] Where he's like, that's how he is able to stay alive.

[38:21] He's like, tell me your story.

[38:23] I don't remember that part.

Elliott Kalan

[38:24] I don't remember.

[38:24] I remember they, they lose from this Dracula's brides.

[38:27] Or is this a different like myth or something that I'm confusing?

[38:30] I mean, they lose from this Dracula's brides coming into his room and Dracula's shooing them.

[38:35] And there's, um, it's like this movie is following the general, a general plan of action of Dracula.

[38:41] But there's a lot of stuff they don't do, you know, um, the, uh, and it's, it's frankly weird to me that Luke Besson missed the opportunity to have like a bunch of sexy ladies, you know, in a scene.

Dan McCoy

[38:51] Well, and Dracula's brides, I, you know, like, I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I feel like they're a high point in almost any adaptation.

Elliott Kalan

[38:58] Yes, yes, they, I agree.

[38:59] I mean, to be honest, in the book, that's maybe the most exciting scene to me because it is, in that scene, you have everything that Dracula is, which is the mixture of fear and horror and temptation, you know?

[39:10] Yeah.

[39:10] And, uh, and it's, it, that scene so establishes what the, or what the, the thing of the book is that everything after that, I'm like, yeah, then Dracula goes to London.

[39:19] He's, and then everything about him buying a house and like moving is kind of silly to me.

Dan McCoy

[39:23] I mean, the, uh, the trip to London is good too, like on the boat.

Elliott Kalan

[39:26] Well, that's great, on the Dauntalus and everything.

[39:28] Yeah.

[39:28] The ship of dead men that crashes into the shore and the big black dog jumps out of it.

[39:32] Yeah, that's great.

Dan McCoy

[39:33] I do think that everything in London kind of loses steam.

Stuart Wellington

[39:35] Yes.

[39:35] Yeah.

[39:35] I mean, I remember reading the book and being like, oh, when are we going to get to London?

[39:39] And then by the time we got there, I'm like, oh, I kind of want to go back.

Elliott Kalan

[39:42] Yeah.

[39:42] And so it's a, yeah, it's, I mean, it is a book that-

[39:45] That's how little Stuart talks.

[39:46] I mean, if there's, if there's a flaw with Dracula, the book is that it starts so atmospherically and so strong and it just can't live up to that stuff, unfortunately.

[39:55] But it's still a great book.

[39:56] Uh, and it's one of those books, Dan won't like me to say this, but I feel like the Sherlock Holmes stories where the, it's, the myth of it is better than the actual thing.

[40:05] You know, like Sherlock Holmes, I think is a greater character than any of his stories necessarily are.

Dan McCoy

[40:09] Well, that, I, I'll, no, I'll agree with that.

[40:11] I, like, the thing is like, there's so many Holmes stories, uh, written over like a long period of time where the author is getting tired of his own creation.

[40:21] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[40:21] Like the best of them, like I go back to him, like, wow, this is actually like really like well written in addition to everything else.

[40:28] But yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[40:29] But, uh, but Dracula is on that level.

[40:31] So anyway, um, Dracula, he tells this story again.

[40:35] God denies him death because he rejected God and he's talking about losing Elisabetta and he flashed back to her funeral and he's like, I've been waiting 400 years for her to return because pure souls can be reincarnated.

Stuart Wellington

[40:46] So this is, this is one of the things that, uh, one of the issues I have is the idea that he's like, they, they have this love that transcends time.

[40:56] And it's this idea of like a transmigrating soul.

[40:59] So what is important is that she looks exactly like the woman I was in love with.

[41:06] Like she has to look exactly like this person, otherwise not interested.

Elliott Kalan

[41:11] It's possible her pure soul has been reincarnated many times, but in different bodies.

[41:16] And so he's like, nah, don't know, don't care.

Stuart Wellington

[41:20] It turns out what I really loved was her boobs.

[41:25] So I really need those to be reincarnated.

[41:27] Uh, but he is.

[41:28] I mean, but there, I mean, again, I don't think the movie touches on something like this.

[41:33] There's something where you could do where it is like, he keeps seeing, like he is a part of like his torture is that he is seeing women who look exactly like the woman he loved.

Elliott Kalan

[41:46] Yes, but that aren't her.

[41:46] Yeah.

[41:47] They don't have her soul.

[41:48] That's it.

[41:48] I like that, that take on it.

[41:49] You don't see that in this.

[41:50] No.

[41:50] Instead, he's, he's just mopes around a lot.

[41:53] He goes to the plague years.

[41:54] He's looking for her.

[41:55] He's so lonely.

[41:55] He envies the dead.

[41:56] He lays down on her grave in the rain and then he gets up in the snow and it's like, wait, so you were lying on her grave for like weeks?

[42:02] Like, I guess you could do that.

[42:03] You're a vampire.

[42:04] Um, he jumps out a window, but survives.

[42:07] He keeps, there's a funny scene where he keeps jumping out of the window of his castle and surviving and then going back and doing it again, uh, getting increasingly beaten up.

[42:14] Uh, and this is when we get to the highest point of the movie.

[42:18] High point.

[42:18] Dracula shows Jonathan Harker a perfume he developed using all the things he learned in his travels in Baghdad and India about different flowers.

[42:26] He spent years collecting fragrances.

[42:29] He goes to Florence and they finally have this perfume that can attract women instantly.

Stuart Wellington

[42:34] So potent.

[42:35] It mesmerizes them.

Elliott Kalan

[42:37] And he uses that to go to a series of different 18th century ballrooms and make all the women dance doing the same exact dance.

Dan McCoy

[42:44] Yeah.

[42:44] And it's cut together.

[42:45] So it's like coming from like different eras, different like groups.

[42:49] And he's like, he's in Russia.

Elliott Kalan

[42:50] He's in France.

[42:51] Yeah.

[42:51] And the costuming is fun.

Dan McCoy

[42:53] It is.

[42:53] And it's like the color palettes cool.

[42:55] If the whole movie had been like this, I'd be like, yes, yes, give me this.

Elliott Kalan

[42:58] And it is, but it goes on for a while.

[43:00] So there is a big chunk of the movie.

[43:02] For a while you are just watching Dracula using perfume to make women dance in, uh, in synchronicity.

[43:08] And you're like, all right, I guess he's the prince of darkness.

[43:10] Like he's the Lord of evil.

Dan McCoy

[43:12] But it's also like one of these things where, I don't know, you know, you see these movies where someone invents something.

[43:18] And, you know, maybe my brain has been warped by capitalism as much as anyone else, but I'm like, why are you just like monetizing this invention you've made?

[43:27] Like, like rather than using it for this silly adventure.

[43:30] And I'm like, Dracula, give up your like evil quest.

[43:33] Like become a perfume guy.

Elliott Kalan

[43:35] No, because Dracula's already rich.

[43:36] He doesn't care about that.

Stuart Wellington

[43:37] I fucking hate perfume guys.

[43:40] Like when I'm at the gym and I'm just smelling dudes cologne, I'm like, get the fuck out of here, dude.

[43:44] I don't really come into contact with perfume guys.

[43:46] People who wear too much, uh, cologne or perfume, like to me, that is a form of assault.

[43:51] Like, oh, I hate it.

[43:53] I don't, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[43:54] And that's how I feel about when I'm in an office and someone starts unpeeling an orange near me.

[43:59] I feel assaulted by the smell.

[44:00] Thank you, Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[44:01] Like the smell of an orange?

[44:02] Yeah, I don't like it.

Elliott Kalan

[44:03] It's too strong.

[44:04] I don't like it.

[44:04] Okay.

[44:05] Wow.

Stuart Wellington

[44:05] Okay.

[44:06] It's a suffocating smell.

[44:07] I feel like that's, to me, there's like, uh, there's something about bad cologne or perfume that has this like almost alcohol, like acidity.

[44:16] To the, like, there's something about the smell that like burns my nose.

Dan McCoy

[44:20] Like, you know, I'm not, I know that Elliot has a particular distaste for fruit.

[44:25] So I'm not trying to downplay his sensitivity to it.

[44:29] But, uh, for most humans, an orange is a relatively subtle smell.

[44:34] Mild smell.

[44:35] Yeah.

[44:35] Uh, but like people who really love cologne douse themselves in it.

[44:39] Yes.

[44:40] And, uh, like, you know, where, where I encounter it is of course every taxi or car driver seems to love cologne.

[44:49] Love it.

[44:50] And I, I know it must be that, like, the car gets stinky from everyone.

[44:54] Yeah.

[44:55] This is not fixing it, sir.

[44:56] This is adding another level of unpleasantness on top of the, the, the funk.

Stuart Wellington

[45:01] So, like, I've heard that, like, strippers wear, part of the reason they wear a lot of, uh, perfume is to mask the smell of the men in the place.

[45:09] I would assume so.

[45:10] Uh, and, you know, obviously natural body smells.

[45:13] Um, do you think that's what, uh, cab drivers are doing?

[45:15] Like, uh, car service drivers?

Dan McCoy

[45:16] Well, they should take classes from strippers because, uh, in my experience.

[45:21] I mean, yes.

[45:22] I think, I think they'd be in favor of that a lot of them.

[45:24] Yeah, yeah.

[45:25] It's a much more pleasant sort of, like, vanilla-y smell, like, that you get.

[45:29] Not this overpowering, like, and glitter.

Elliott Kalan

[45:31] Anyway, so that was, that was smell talk.

[45:34] We had a little bit of, we lived the smell talk.

[45:35] I mean, if we're gonna fucking talk about smells, let's talk about perfume Dracula.

[45:38] This is back to our pilot for our other podcast.

[45:41] For your fragrance podcast.

[45:42] Yeah.

[45:43] So anyway, there is a scene.

[45:44] He does go to Versailles.

[45:45] He believes he's found Elisabetta, but it's the wrong woman.

[45:48] And he is disgusted by what he's-

[45:49] And she's like a huge bitch to hear.

[45:51] Yeah, she just laughs at him.

[45:53] Uh, he sees everyone.

[45:55] They're gorging on food.

[45:56] They're vomiting.

[45:57] They're peeing into buckets.

[45:58] They're just having sex against the walls.

[45:59] He's disgusted.

[46:00] Disgusted.

[46:00] So he bites that woman and turns a bunch of people into vampires.

[46:04] He bites, like, a dozen women to turn them into vampires.

[46:06] He's so mad.

Stuart Wellington

[46:06] It is kind of funny because it's either a montage that's supposed to all be at the same

[46:11] place or at multiple places.

[46:13] But he's biting all these women and there's still just, like, people hanging out in the

[46:16] background.

[46:17] And he's, like, getting blood all over his face.

[46:19] Yeah, there are a lot of people who didn't seem to realize what's going on.

[46:21] Yeah, but I guess that's the thing.

[46:22] They're so, like, caught up in the Bacchanal.

[46:24] Mm-hmm.

[46:25] And they're oblivious to the world around them.

[46:26] They're so caught up in themselves.

[46:27] And you're like, man, is that a special effect?

[46:30] And you're like, they didn't invent those yet.

Elliott Kalan

[46:32] Which is strange because when the revolution came and they were chopping these same people's

[46:36] heads off, they were aware.

[46:37] They were very aware that they were getting their heads chopped off.

[46:41] So Vlad, he opens up his wife's grave.

[46:43] Her body is turned to ash.

[46:44] That just happens.

[46:45] He goes to his castle.

[46:47] The gargoyles are just stacking up all the treasure that his disciples are sending him.

[46:51] And meanwhile, we go back to the present, the 1880s.

[46:54] Jonathan Harker's like, oh, I just got engaged.

[46:56] Oh, I forgot to tell you.

[46:58] Look at my locket.

[46:59] There's a picture of her.

[46:59] The picture of Mina, his fiancee, looks just like Elisabetta.

[47:03] Uh-oh.

[47:04] He loses his shit.

Stuart Wellington

[47:05] Uh-oh.

[47:06] That is, he gives the reaction that I want my wife to give when I send her, like, a shirtless

[47:11] pic of me.

Elliott Kalan

[47:13] He, like, loses his mind.

[47:17] He goes, oh, it's my wife.

[47:19] It's my wife.

[47:20] And to thank you for finding her, you will only live as a prisoner forever.

[47:25] I will not, I won't eat you.

[47:27] So anyway, Vlad, he shouts commands to his gargoyles.

Stuart Wellington

[47:29] I mean, that means he gets to hang out the gargs all the time.

Elliott Kalan

[47:31] That's pretty sick.

[47:32] That'd be really fun.

[47:33] But is he from the gargs?

[47:34] But first he's like, gargoyles, I need blood.

[47:35] I need to be young again.

[47:36] Make me young.

[47:37] And I really wanted her to be like a makeover montage.

[47:40] Yes.

[47:40] There isn't, unfortunately.

Stuart Wellington

[47:42] No, instead they're just like, uh, go to the nunnery.

[47:45] Why don't you go do it, dude?

[47:46] Hide thee to a nunnery.

Elliott Kalan

[47:47] Yeah.

[47:48] Was that what Hamlet was saying?

[47:50] Go to a nunnery and drink your blood to get young again?

[47:52] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[47:53] Yeah.

[47:53] That was in the, not the first folio, but folio 0.5.

Elliott Kalan

[47:57] That was when Anne Rice took over for the Shakespeare estate.

[48:01] Yeah.

[48:01] And he does, this would be the perfect place for a song like the song in the 5,000 fingers

[48:05] of Dr. T where Dr. T sings about all the fancy clothes he's going to wear, but there is not,

[48:10] unfortunately.

Dan McCoy

[48:11] And Dr. T in this case would be Dr. Transylvania.

Elliott Kalan

[48:13] Exactly.

[48:14] Yeah.

[48:14] Transylvania 6,000.

Dan McCoy

[48:15] But in this case, Dr. T is with the woman.

Elliott Kalan

[48:18] He is with the women and the nuns who he's just bloody something on.

[48:21] Yeah.

[48:21] Exactly.

[48:22] As opposed to Mr. T who of course failed to get his doctorate.

[48:25] Yeah.

[48:25] He pities fools for a living.

[48:27] He pities the homeless.

[48:27] Yeah.

[48:29] Professionally.

[48:29] Yeah.

[48:29] His business card says, Mr. T, fool pitier.

[48:32] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[48:33] You know, I would feel very good if I was pitied by Mr. T. You know, I'd be like, thank

[48:40] you.

[48:41] Thank you, Mr. T for extending me that empathy.

Elliott Kalan

[48:43] Well, he's talked about, I mean, since past, but he talked about his philosophy was you can't

[48:48] hate a fool because they don't know better.

[48:50] You can only pity them.

[48:51] You can hate someone who knows and does wrong.

[48:53] But if a fool is someone who doesn't even know, all you can do is pity him for doing the

[48:56] wrong thing.

[48:57] Anyway, I'm a deep thinker.

[48:58] We can all take that away from the show.

[49:00] He had a lot of thoughts, not a lot of letters in his name.

[49:03] Hmm.

[49:03] That's true.

[49:04] But T stood for thoughts.

[49:07] So, Christopher Waltz is like, well, he tells the director, well, Dracula's coming.

[49:11] And he reads a little bit of vampires.

[49:14] It's a curse from God.

[49:14] But God can forgive the offender if they repent.

[49:18] And then God will let them die and their victims will be saved.

[49:21] This is important to know.

[49:22] By coincidence, Mina Murray has just shown up to check on her friend Maria.

[49:26] Maria the vampire.

[49:28] And she's like, oh, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[49:29] She's like my good friend that I met like one time.

Elliott Kalan

[49:32] She's like, I met Maria at a tea party.

[49:34] And it's shot in like a 70s film, which is very funny.

[49:38] And-

Dan McCoy

[49:38] Sorry, this is just in passing.

Elliott Kalan

[49:40] They like braid each other's hair and shit.

[49:42] It's like they meet once.

[49:43] And she's like, and Maria recognizes Mina and is like, oh, come up to my room.

[49:48] And they're just hanging out in their petticoats braiding each other's hair, like hanging

[49:51] out on the bed.

[49:51] Like they're instantly best friends.

Dan McCoy

[49:53] Yeah.

[49:54] This is just in passing.

[49:55] But I want to mention that I found it very amusing, like an earlier scene where Christoph

[49:59] Waltz is talking to someone about Maria.

[50:02] And he's like, he's like basically like, the good news is she's alive.

Elliott Kalan

[50:07] He's like talking around the idea that she's a man.

[50:10] Yeah, that's funny.

[50:13] We see the flashback to Maria having her allergic reaction to a clergyman.

[50:18] It's a very violent reaction.

[50:19] And Mina admits to Waltz.

Stuart Wellington

[50:21] And when Christoph Waltz sees Mina, he like does like a double take where he like looks

[50:25] at her and then he looks at the page he's holding.

[50:27] He's like, what?

[50:28] I'm seeing double.

Elliott Kalan

[50:29] Huh?

[50:29] I'm seeing double too, Elizabeth.

[50:31] And she's like, I admit to you, doctor, I don't feel like I belong in this time, which

[50:36] is something, I don't know what that feeling feels like, guys.

[50:38] That feeling of like, I should have been born in a different time.

[50:42] I don't belong here.

Stuart Wellington

[50:43] I mean, I feel like of my friends, you are one of them that is most old timey.

[50:47] I guess that's true.

Elliott Kalan

[50:48] But I like being an old timey guy in modern times, you know.

[50:50] Yeah.

[50:51] If I was in old timey times, I'd just be a regular, you know.

Dan McCoy

[50:53] I just want to go a little bit back.

Elliott Kalan

[50:56] I don't want to go back to anything that would make me-

[50:58] To the 1480s?

Dan McCoy

[50:59] Give me too much discomfort.

Elliott Kalan

[51:00] As a-

Stuart Wellington

[51:02] Yeah, you were saying something similar when we were watching Green Book.

Elliott Kalan

[51:06] You're like, I just want to go back to that.

Stuart Wellington

[51:07] I was like, someone's going to turn this into-

Dan McCoy

[51:10] Yeah.

[51:10] I couldn't help it.

Stuart Wellington

[51:11] Into a day I'm being racist.

[51:12] Some reactionary.

[51:13] I wanted to be sent way back so that I'm like a barbarian king.

Elliott Kalan

[51:16] Well, no, but you wouldn't be a barbarian king.

[51:19] You wouldn't be.

[51:20] Everyone thinks they would be-

[51:20] Mammoths.

[51:22] Everyone thinks they would be a barbarian king.

[51:23] You would be a slave or a farmer and you would die young.

[51:26] Can I please have some friends who think I would be a fucking barbarian king?

[51:30] I just want you to be real.

[51:31] I want support.

[51:32] Everyone, part of the poisonous quality of those types of fantasies or like post-apocalyptic

[51:38] fantasies that everyone's like, well, of course I'd be a fucking warlord just exerting my will in the world.

[51:43] No, you wouldn't.

[51:44] I've never thought that.

[51:45] No.

[51:46] I'm like, I will die early.

[51:48] And as a Jewish guy who needs glasses, the farther back you go in the past, the worse it is.

[51:55] So like, I'm really, I'm happier to live now, you know, and just think about the past and go, oh, wouldn't that been great to see this thing?

[52:01] It would not have been.

[52:02] It would have been really bad for me.

[52:03] So anyway, but she's, they also see she's left-handed, which is like another clue.

[52:08] Yeah.

[52:08] She's Elisabetta.

[52:09] Meanwhile, Dracula goes to a convent and he says he uses his perfume to control the nuns and they paw at him.

[52:15] They become a tower of nuns lifting him up in the air.

[52:17] I think it's a pretty good scene.

[52:19] It's a pretty fun scene.

[52:20] This is, I mean, he basically wanders into a production of The Devils and just enjoys that for a little bit.

[52:25] And he is sucking on their blood.

[52:27] Oh man, The Devils.

[52:28] Now that's a fucking style movie.

[52:30] Now that's a movie.

[52:31] Now that's a movie.

[52:33] Oh, mama mia.

Dan McCoy

[52:33] Getting a restored re-release.

[52:35] 4K.

[52:36] Oh, I didn't know that.

[52:36] Oh, wow.

Elliott Kalan

[52:37] With the scenes that were cut out?

[52:38] Yeah, it's a new cut.

[52:40] Because I've only seen the theatrical release version.

[52:43] I haven't seen some of the scenes that were cut.

[52:45] But anyway, still a good movie.

[52:47] Anyway, it's one of those movies where I remember the reputation was like, this movie is so fucked up.

[52:53] Oh man, I watched it.

[52:54] I was like, yeah, it's pretty extreme, I guess.

[52:55] But it's like, there's not, it's not like there's anything.

[52:57] It's also beautiful and cool.

[52:59] It looks like, and it's rich with meaning.

[53:02] It's not like, it doesn't feel like an exploitation film.

[53:04] No, not at all.

Dan McCoy

[53:04] I mean, I do think, like, I understand it from the stance of another time where people would be like, they're making fun of the church.

[53:14] How could they do that?

[53:16] Is that allowed?

Stuart Wellington

[53:17] This movie's so rich with meaning, it's fucking sick.

Elliott Kalan

[53:20] It's so, it's twisted how deep the themes run.

[53:25] So, Jonathan, he tries to escape the castle.

[53:27] The gargoyles chase after him.

Stuart Wellington

[53:29] We get a little bit of gargoyle excitement.

[53:31] He, like, falls onto the frozen lake.

[53:33] Frozen's face.

Elliott Kalan

[53:34] They even, they escape, they're even throwing grappling hooks at him and they can't quite get him.

Stuart Wellington

[53:37] And I love, I love that the first gargoyle to try and, like, go out on the ice after him and then falls through is the one gargoyle with wings like a dog.

Elliott Kalan

[53:48] The answer's on your back.

[53:49] I can't imagine those wings are functional.

[53:52] You know, they're so heavy, those things, you know.

[53:54] Yeah.

[53:54] It's not just that a bird has wings.

[53:56] They also have very light bones.

[53:57] You know, the feathers help with that stuff too.

[53:59] Welcome to Bird Facts Podcast.

[54:01] Anyway, this is my backdoor pilot for the birdhouse, yeah.

[54:05] So, the, but Harker has escaped.

[54:08] Dracula's coffin is taken to Paris.

[54:10] He shows up at the asylum for Maria.

[54:11] He gives her the doctor's assistant as a gift.

[54:14] You may have this one.

[54:16] The assistant is now a vampire.

[54:17] Maria has escaped.

[54:18] She goes to Mina's house and Mina's like, I thought you were sick.

[54:21] And she's like, nope, totally fine.

[54:22] Why don't you come with me to the big festival?

[54:24] Not, not louder than life.

[54:26] Yeah.

[54:26] You've got to come to the big festival and I want you to meet my friend Dracula.

[54:28] And they do, he is a young man now and he is smitten with Mina.

[54:32] They go to a street fair for a while.

[54:34] They're playing carnival games.

Stuart Wellington

[54:35] And again, like he is, he is like 50% as cool as Gary Oldman, as young Gary, like Victorian Gary Oldman.

Elliott Kalan

[54:42] Yes, he doesn't seem, he seems more like a guy, he seems like a guy who has read Dracula

[54:48] and is trying to act like Dracula and kind of fail, trying to be a cool, dark brooding character and failing

[54:53] more than he feels like a dark brooding character.

Dan McCoy

[54:56] He bought a duster.

[54:57] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[54:57] Yeah.

[54:58] Basically.

Dan McCoy

[54:58] This is going to make me cool.

Elliott Kalan

[55:00] They're at the street festival for a while.

[55:01] They feed a lemur.

[55:02] They go to a side show.

[55:04] Oh yeah.

[55:04] Dracula's just kind of looming around.

[55:06] They go up to Dracula's rooms and Maria leaves Mina and Drac alone to get a little more comfortable.

[55:12] And he plays the music box that his wife gave him 400 years ago.

[55:16] And Mina starts to remember their past, but it unnerves her.

[55:19] And he's like, you should just have this music box.

[55:21] And he walks her home.

Stuart Wellington

[55:22] And she's like, that's crazy expensive dog.

[55:24] And he's like, that's what.

[55:25] I made a music box, baby.

Elliott Kalan

[55:30] Cold running music boxes around from.

[55:33] You want a snuff box too?

Stuart Wellington

[55:35] Here you go.

Elliott Kalan

[55:36] Everybody's at the house.

[55:37] Jonathan Harker.

Stuart Wellington

[55:37] That was a Birkin bag for those days.

[55:40] Yeah.

[55:40] I was like giving a music box.

Elliott Kalan

[55:42] Jonathan Harker, Christoph Waltz, the doctor.

[55:44] They're all there.

[55:45] She's like, I met this guy, Dracula.

[55:47] And they're like, oh, by the way, you should know Dracula is a vampire.

[55:49] They check her neck to make sure he has bitten her.

[55:51] There's one red flag.

[55:52] You are engaged already.

[55:54] But on top of that, he is a vampire.

[55:57] And she goes to a room and plays the music box.

[55:59] And she starts having the memories of Elisabetta.

[56:01] And suddenly Dracula is there.

[56:02] Which, again, this seemed like a pretty standard vampire thing.

[56:06] That they cannot enter a house they have not been invited into.

[56:09] I could not remember if she invited him or not.

[56:11] But it seemed weird.

[56:13] He throws his perfume in the fire.

[56:16] He doesn't need it no more.

[56:17] He doesn't need it.

[56:17] He woos her, jogs her memory.

[56:19] She starts kissing him.

[56:20] I think they have sex, but I'm not sure.

[56:22] Meanwhile, her fiance and Christoph Waltz and the doctor are still downstairs hanging out.

Dan McCoy

[56:28] Mina should be down any moment now.

Elliott Kalan

[56:29] And she's like, take me.

[56:32] Make me a vampire.

[56:33] And he's like, no, no, no.

[56:34] She's like, no.

[56:35] And she bares her neck.

[56:35] She's like, you got to bite me.

[56:36] Bite me.

[56:37] And he finally bites her.

[56:38] Yeah, downstairs Christoph Waltz smells Dracula's perfume.

[56:40] And he's like, I know that fragrance.

[56:42] Hold on.

[56:43] They run into the room.

[56:44] But Dracula and Mina are all done.

[56:45] It's coming out of the chimney.

[56:47] Hold on a second.

[56:48] Is anyone wearing Ode to Dracula?

Dan McCoy

[56:51] Did you put some perfume on the logs in your fire?

[56:56] It smells a little bit like curve.

Elliott Kalan

[57:00] Is anyone wearing Axe body spray in this house?

Stuart Wellington

[57:04] Smells a little like that bottle that looks like an exclamation point.

Elliott Kalan

[57:08] You know what?

[57:08] We should have called it Dracula noir.

[57:11] That's what we should have called it.

[57:12] I thought you were going to say Drax body spray.

[57:14] That would have been better too.

[57:16] Oh, man.

[57:17] The problem with Axe body spray is in the commercials are that women literally adhere to you like other mommy.

[57:22] And I don't know that you want that.

[57:25] So Jonathan Archer agrees to the original obsession.

Stuart Wellington

[57:30] Alex is like, babe, I got stuff to do.

Elliott Kalan

[57:33] Hey, man.

[57:33] I know I love all these limbs.

[57:34] But come on.

[57:35] I got to work.

[57:36] Don't you want to mess with the kid?

[57:42] I think about it.

[57:43] Considering a movie I have not seen, I think about that trailer so often.

[57:47] Wait, which trailer?

[57:48] Other Mommy.

[57:49] Oh, okay.

[57:49] It's a scary trailer.

[57:50] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[57:51] Yeah, that's like if Jack Torrance is like, hey, Ghost, can you fuck with my kid a little bit?

[57:55] I got stuff to do around here.

Elliott Kalan

[57:57] I got to caretake this whole hotel.

[57:58] It's pretty big.

Stuart Wellington

[57:59] You know, you've been fucking with me and I think the kid, but you haven't really been messing with Shelley Duvall.

Elliott Kalan

[58:04] So are you intimidated?

[58:06] Because I would be.

[58:07] Yeah.

[58:08] Anyway, so Jonathan Archer's like, I'll guide you to Dracula's castle.

[58:12] So he and Christoph Waltz and the doctor go.

[58:14] And as we later learn, they manage to muster like an entire regiment of troops to go with them.

[58:21] Maria arrives at her fiance's house.

[58:22] She's about to bite him.

[58:24] But the hero, actually this is before they go to the castle.

[58:25] The heroes arrive.

[58:26] They fight her off.

[58:27] They cut her head off.

[58:28] They impale her.

[58:29] And her head, when he bumps into the doctor and knocks him over.

[58:32] Which is such a silly slapstick moment.

[58:35] And I was like, this is something this movie needed more of.

[58:37] Is that doctor character, should be the slapstick character who's always falling down or like just getting knocked out.

[58:43] Slipping in pools of blood.

[58:44] Exactly.

[58:44] Slipping in pools of blood.

[58:46] There are times when it's like this movie wants to be Bram Stoker's Dracula.

[58:49] But it should be the fearless vampire killers.

[58:52] Like that's the movie it should be.

[58:55] Meanwhile, Dracula's coffin is taken to Romania.

[58:57] Mina's inside it too.

[58:58] And which means the two of them are just staring into each other's eyes in the dark for a long time.

[59:02] You know it's a little crazy in there.

[59:04] It must be so terrible.

[59:07] They walk around the castle.

[59:08] He introduces the gargoyles.

[59:10] Hey, here's my boys.

[59:13] I'm stone.

[59:14] I'm stony.

[59:15] This is Rocky.

[59:16] I'm Rocky.

Stuart Wellington

[59:18] I'm Joe.

[59:19] I mean, ladies.

[59:21] If you go to your man's house for the first time and he introduces you to like 20 little gargoyle roommates.

[59:27] I think maybe that's a red flag.

[59:30] That's a deal breaker.

[59:31] That's a deal breaker.

Elliott Kalan

[59:32] You go to his house for some intimate time and his boys are all hanging around and his boys are little gargoyles.

[59:40] Ladies, ladies, I don't have to tell you.

[59:41] Kick that man to the curb.

Stuart Wellington

[59:42] And you know as soon as he cracks, he's going to go play Xbox with those gargoyles.

Elliott Kalan

[59:46] He's going to bite you once.

[59:47] Then suddenly he's off with his boys.

[59:50] His fangs are covered in Cheeto dust and he's going to play Call of Duty.

Dan McCoy

[59:54] Yeah.

[59:55] He's up on the eaves hanging out, spouting water.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:00] You're like, tracky, come down and spend some time with me.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:03] And he's like, oh, babe, can you make me some blood for me and the boys?

[1:00:06] For me and the boys.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:09] Does your wolf pack always have to be around?

[1:00:12] Yeah, babe.

[1:00:13] Come on.

[1:00:14] What's the problem?

Dan McCoy

[1:00:15] They're bound to the castle, babe.

[1:00:18] Babe, babe, babe.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:21] Where were you last night?

[1:00:22] Nowhere, babe.

[1:00:23] You smell like nuns.

[1:00:24] No, babe, no.

[1:00:25] You and the boys were out at the nunnery, weren't you?

[1:00:27] No, babe.

[1:00:28] I told you I'm not going there anymore.

[1:00:29] You're just eating, man.

[1:00:30] You're just waiting to get something to eat.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:32] Smell like nuns.

[1:00:34] Was that votive candles?

[1:00:35] What is that?

[1:00:36] I guess so, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:38] Holy water.

[1:00:39] So Dracula's servants warn him that the heroes are coming and Dracula's like,

[1:00:45] good job.

[1:00:46] Thank you.

[1:00:46] You're all fired.

[1:00:47] And they just leave.

[1:00:48] And the heroes are waiting outside with a ton of troops.

[1:00:51] Where do you think these troops are from?

[1:00:52] Like what army do they serve in?

Dan McCoy

[1:00:54] Well, I mean.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:56] The Austro-Hungarian army.

[1:00:57] Are they Russian?

[1:00:58] Do they enforce them from England?

[1:01:00] Are they Hessian mercenaries?

[1:01:02] Are they like, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:03] Yeah.

[1:01:03] Somebody hired out by the Vatican.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:06] Exactly.

[1:01:07] Yeah.

[1:01:07] Maybe they're the Swiss Guard.

[1:01:09] Yeah.

[1:01:09] Maybe that's it.

[1:01:10] Yeah.

[1:01:10] I don't know.

[1:01:11] They don't look like it, but they said-

[1:01:12] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:12] You count on the fucking buttons.

[1:01:15] Well, the Swiss Guard have those crazy uniforms.

[1:01:17] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:17] They look really goofy.

[1:01:18] They look like they're going to put on a Comedial to Arte show in front of you, but no, they're

[1:01:22] just there to protect the Pope.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:24] Elliot's here to roast differently.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:28] I would love it.

[1:01:29] If I could do Elliot Killen's roast of various antiquated military uniforms.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:34] That's a good bit.

[1:01:35] Like an idea of like a red carpet, like social media roast, but it's all just old time fucking

[1:01:42] uniforms.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:43] I would love it.

[1:01:44] That'd be so great.

[1:01:45] Love the plumes.

[1:01:46] So did a bird die on your head?

[1:01:48] Yeah.

[1:01:49] Anyway, that's supposed to cause fear in your opponent that you have a duster on your head?

[1:01:54] Yeah.

[1:01:55] So anyway.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:56] Nice appellate.

[1:01:57] Your shoulders are so big.

[1:01:58] What is the 80s?

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:01] Your shoulders were a little cold, so you wanted that extra strap on it.

[1:02:06] Anyway, so it's the, with the epaulets, it's the elegant roast of Aubrey and Maturin.

[1:02:14] So anyway, they infiltrate the castle.

[1:02:17] Meanwhile, Mina is like playing the music box to call Dracula to her.

[1:02:21] Classic, classic lady.

[1:02:23] Your castle's being invaded by troops, but she just wants more time with you.

[1:02:27] We talked about Drac and his boys, but what else?

[1:02:29] Girl, we'll not let him deal with these troops.

[1:02:31] Yeah, he's level out.

[1:02:32] I want time.

[1:02:33] Give me time, Drac.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:34] Babe, babe.

[1:02:35] The levels here.

[1:02:36] The fake misogyny, making up stereotypes about women, that they're just listening to music

[1:02:43] boxes all the time.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:44] No, but then she's like, babe, spend more time with me.

[1:02:47] Babe, we never talk.

[1:02:48] We never listen to the music box anymore.

[1:02:49] Babe, I got troops in my castle.

[1:02:51] I got to deal with this, babe.

[1:02:52] Yeah.

[1:02:53] What about me?

[1:02:54] You always talk about the troops and the gargs.

[1:02:55] You know, so the soldiers set up a cannon outside, a bunch of cannons.

[1:03:02] Mina and Dracula are about to kiss when the artillery opens fire and the soldiers go inside

[1:03:05] and fight the gargoyles.

[1:03:07] And our guys are just along for the ride.

[1:03:09] They're just watching soldiers getting killed by these gargoyles.

[1:03:12] And the soldiers are not doing a great job against the gargoyles.

[1:03:15] No, not great.

[1:03:16] Dracula goes out.

[1:03:16] I mean, they're probably not prepared to fight gargoyles.

[1:03:19] No, that's true.

[1:03:20] But they do have guns and they're not really using those much.

[1:03:23] But they're shooting a bullet against stone creatures.

[1:03:25] At least you got to try.

[1:03:27] Maybe we'll knock it back.

[1:03:28] Dracula comes out.

[1:03:29] He's fighting the soldiers.

[1:03:30] The soldiers mainly stand around waiting for him to stab them.

[1:03:32] And it's supposed to be one of those things where he's doing a lot of spins and like thrusts.

[1:03:35] But the soldiers are not, it's not that impressive because the soldier's not doing anything.

[1:03:39] They're just around, you know.

[1:03:40] The heroes stand around waiting for the soldiers to die.

[1:03:43] They do not really, are not doing much of anything for now.

[1:03:45] Well, you know, it's a distraction from them.

[1:03:48] Yeah.

[1:03:49] Maria's fiance, the queen's nephew, tries to shoot Dracula.

[1:03:53] He just sucks that guy's blood.

[1:03:54] And Dracula closes the doors of his like crypt area.

[1:03:57] So it's just him and the priest.

[1:03:59] And they can debate God for a little bit.

[1:04:01] Does God want people to fight?

[1:04:02] And the priest's like, no, no.

[1:04:03] God sent me there to save you, Dracula.

[1:04:05] You need to repent.

[1:04:06] And that will free the soul of your beloved.

[1:04:09] She won't be damned to be a vampire forever.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:11] And Dracula's like, I served God.

[1:04:13] I killed all these people for God.

[1:04:15] And he's like, God doesn't want you to kill his creation.

[1:04:17] I'm like, I guess he's got you there.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:19] He does.

[1:04:19] He does got you there.

[1:04:21] Yeah.

[1:04:21] Really?

[1:04:22] Because God's guy told me he wanted me to kill all those Turks.

[1:04:24] That wasn't really God's guy.

[1:04:25] He didn't.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:25] There's a lot of weird, like God's killed a lot of people for no reason.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:29] Yeah.

[1:04:30] Well, they would say that he has his reasons.

[1:04:32] We just don't understand that.

[1:04:33] He had a bad day.

[1:04:33] Yeah.

[1:04:34] He had a bad day.

[1:04:35] He get to be down.

[1:04:36] How's that song?

[1:04:37] I don't remember.

[1:04:38] Something about turning it around.

[1:04:39] He did turn it around.

[1:04:41] Yeah.

[1:04:41] God did turn the world around.

[1:04:43] Yeah.

[1:04:44] Yeah.

[1:04:44] I thought that was Superman.

[1:04:45] That's because Superman is a God figure.

[1:04:47] Yeah.

[1:04:47] Exactly.

[1:04:48] Because God, if he kisses you, you also forget his secret identity.

[1:04:51] Oh.

[1:04:52] Jerry O'Connell.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:53] That's like, I have to save my one love.

[1:04:56] Oh.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:57] I mean, that is the kind of thing a Greek god would do.

[1:05:00] Yeah.

[1:05:00] You know, not a Judeo-Christian Islamic god, but still.

[1:05:03] So, more soldiers are marching in.

[1:05:05] There's more cannon fire.

[1:05:06] Dracula's just sending his gargoyles out to fight them.

[1:05:08] The priest sets up his vampire killing kit.

[1:05:10] Drac fights some more soldiers.

[1:05:12] Soldiers are just dying all over.

[1:05:13] Yeah.

[1:05:13] This part is just, it's just fighting for the sake of fighting.

[1:05:16] Yeah.

[1:05:16] It goes on a while.

[1:05:17] And Mina is like, Dracula, stay with me.

[1:05:19] And the priest is like, no, you can show how much you love her by letting her live as a human.

[1:05:24] And it works.

[1:05:25] Yeah, don't dam her.

[1:05:26] Dracula's like, okay, absolve me.

[1:05:28] So, the priest is like, I repent, you know, I absolve you of your sins.

[1:05:31] And then stakes him through the heart.

[1:05:33] Somehow the soldiers know at that moment that Dracula has been killed.

[1:05:36] They don't need to fight anymore.

[1:05:37] Yeah.

[1:05:37] So, they just kind of stop.

[1:05:39] And Dracula withers into an old man.

[1:05:41] And he and Mina say they love each other for the last time.

[1:05:44] Then Dracula dissolves into CGI ash.

[1:05:46] All the candles in the cast.

[1:05:47] Should have asked for the secrets of his perfume before he went, though.

[1:05:49] Yeah.

[1:05:49] That's true.

[1:05:49] He takes those with.

[1:05:50] No, that perfume shouldn't fall into the wrong.

[1:05:52] So, he dissolves into CGI ash.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:53] This is right when Jonathan Harker bursts into the room to just watch Mina crying over the ash before it floats up into the sky and out a window.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:02] Wait.

[1:06:02] And also, the doctor watches as a horde of pale children wander out of the castle.

[1:06:06] And it's like, were these the gargoyles?

[1:06:08] Is this a Five Nights at Freddy's type thing?

[1:06:10] Yeah.

[1:06:10] They're going to become war boys.

[1:06:12] Oh.

[1:06:12] They do look like war boys.

[1:06:14] But is it like, did he put the souls of these children into his gargoyles is my guess?

[1:06:18] Because otherwise, I don't know why those children.

[1:06:19] I don't know.

[1:06:19] I didn't watch the gargoyles TV show.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:21] He was running a daycare.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:24] Oh.

[1:06:25] Which is weird because he's asleep during the day.

[1:06:27] Yeah.

[1:06:28] I don't know.

[1:06:28] Well, he wasn't a good.

[1:06:29] I dropped off my kids at drags daycare.

[1:06:31] There were a lot of problems.

[1:06:31] There was not a lot of supervision.

[1:06:33] Yeah.

[1:06:34] The kids came out all pale with black rings around their eyes.

[1:06:38] And bald.

[1:06:39] Also bald.

[1:06:40] My kids came out as war boys.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:41] Yeah.

[1:06:42] They tell me that gargoyles were looking after them.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:45] Well, you know, kids make up all kinds of stories.

[1:06:47] But then I stopped by and sure enough, there were gargoyles just handing out apple slices

[1:06:52] and cups of orange juice and ginger ale.

[1:06:57] So yeah, Harker finds Mina.

[1:07:00] She's just so sad.

[1:07:01] And he just walks out.

[1:07:02] And the priest and the doctor are like, well, goodbye.

[1:07:04] They're just going to say they're not even going to travel back to Western Europe together,

[1:07:07] I guess.

[1:07:08] It would be awkward if they had to ride back together.

[1:07:11] So what do they say?

[1:07:12] The only thing in common was fighting Dracula.

[1:07:13] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:07:14] They have nothing in common now.

[1:07:16] Dracula's ashes blow.

[1:07:16] Oh, you got plans this weekend?

[1:07:19] Do you have children?

[1:07:21] I don't know why they're all talking like Dracula.

[1:07:26] Dracula's ashes.

[1:07:26] Yeah, I mean, they can't get them out of their head, you know.

[1:07:29] They're like, you'll know he's a cool guy.

[1:07:30] Remember when he said stuff like that?

[1:07:33] Dracula's ashes blow into the sky, which fills with light as the music box music plays.

[1:07:39] That's the end of Dracula, Luc Besson edition.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:42] Do you think Mina and Jonathan are going to work out, guys?

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:45] No.

[1:07:46] It's over.

[1:07:47] You can't see it.

[1:07:48] Boys, if you see your girl distraught over her ex turning into ash and floating away,

[1:07:54] find another girl.

[1:07:55] She's never going to let go of that guy.

[1:07:57] You're never going to live up to that.

[1:07:58] Every day that she spends with Jonathan Harkin, she's like,

[1:08:01] I could be hanging out in a castle with a vampire that loves me beyond time,

[1:08:05] but instead I'm with you.

[1:08:06] Waiting on me hand and foot.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:07] This dude who barely notices when things happen around him.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:13] Well, I guess he's got a solid upper middle class living as a solicitor.

[1:08:17] Yeah.

[1:08:17] Do you think, I mean.

[1:08:19] Jonathan, can you just have the gargoyles do that?

[1:08:21] Oh, no.

[1:08:22] You can't.

[1:08:22] Never mind.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:24] So is she, what do you, I mean, is, what's next for Mina?

[1:08:27] Now that she's freed, is she just going to like try and find a reincarnated Dracula to fall in love with?

[1:08:33] Does the cycle continue?

[1:08:34] Does she invent perfumes?

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:35] Maybe, maybe she goes after Vlad's soul, but she's not immortal.

[1:08:40] So he better be reincarnated fast.

[1:08:42] I fear that probably the asylum and then the grave,

[1:08:46] but maybe she'll become a famous author who writes romantic Dracula stories.

[1:08:51] That's actually a good idea.

[1:08:52] Yeah.

[1:08:52] To write her own Dracula fanfic.

[1:08:54] Exactly.

[1:08:55] The.

[1:08:56] She knew, she wrote a memoir called The Drac I Knew.

[1:08:59] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:59] So as soon as the credits started, I turned it off.

[1:09:02] Was there any post-credits?

[1:09:03] There are no post-credits scenes.

[1:09:04] There's no post-credits scene of her going to the chapel and like cursing God so she can become a cool.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:09] No, there's no scene of her going to the, going like at Dracula's funeral.

[1:09:12] And then the wolf man shows up and goes, oh, Mina, you want to go on a date?

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:15] She goes, here we go again.

[1:09:16] So everybody does, so does everybody who renounce God, do they become vampires?

[1:09:21] Or is it only when it's like a land holding nobility?

[1:09:24] Yeah.

[1:09:25] That's a good question that the movie doesn't really get into.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:27] Do you have to be like a rich battle dude?

[1:09:29] I think you got to know somebody.

[1:09:29] I think you have to renounce him flamboyantly.

[1:09:32] Yeah.

[1:09:33] Yeah, that's true.

[1:09:33] Yeah, so like when Liberace renounced God, he became a vampire.

[1:09:36] Yeah.

[1:09:36] I mean.

[1:09:38] Count Liberace-la.

[1:09:39] Yeah.

[1:09:40] Why do you think he had all those candelabras all over the place?

[1:09:42] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:43] After his lady love was killed.

[1:09:45] Count Liberace.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:48] I thought he was going to tell you something about.

[1:09:52] So, time for final judgments.

[1:09:56] Was this totally scarifying, totally snorifying, or frighteningly funny?

[1:10:03] I'm going to go ahead and say this is snorifying.

[1:10:05] But at its best moments, I almost kind of liked it.

[1:10:11] Like, there were things in it when it, as we were saying, when it got more flamboyant or weird.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:17] When Dracula's using perfume to make women dance.

[1:10:19] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:20] But for the most part, the rest of it is just a retelling of Dracula that's not very good.

[1:10:27] Even a retelling of Dracula.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:28] A retelling of the movie of Bram Stoker's Dracula.

[1:10:30] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:31] Like, someone saw Dracula years ago and wrote a screenplay based on their vague remembrances of Dracula.

[1:10:38] And we have so many Draculas already.

[1:10:40] We have Dracula at home.

[1:10:42] You don't need this Dracula.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:43] Look, we are slashing prices on Draculas.

[1:10:46] We are overstocked with Draculas.

[1:10:48] Every drac must go.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:49] So, yeah.

[1:10:50] I'm not into it.

[1:10:51] What do you say, Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:52] Yeah.

[1:10:52] I mean, this is snorifying.

[1:10:54] I think there are moments where, there are some moments where you're like, okay, I could see the directions that this film could have gone that would have been more fun.

[1:11:03] Like, specifically, like, yeah, if they just leaned into being, making it sillier and worrying less about the love story angle.

[1:11:12] But the perfume stuff is genuinely fun.

[1:11:15] And the moment when, like, they chopped the head off of a vampire bride and blood squirting everywhere, that was pretty fun.

[1:11:21] But, yeah, it's not very good.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:22] I'm going to call it.

[1:11:23] Christoph Waltz seems so bored in this movie.

[1:11:25] He seems very bored, yeah.

[1:11:27] I'm going to call it frighteningly funny.

[1:11:29] I think there are enough moments here and there.

[1:11:31] And even in the duller scenes, there's like, there'll be a little something that I thought was funny.

[1:11:35] I did, I think if they had pushed it farther, this could have been a pretty funny Dracula comedy.

[1:11:42] Yeah.

[1:11:42] I think, and I think it fails to reach the heights of melodramatic romance that it's going for, which is kind of funny.

[1:11:48] But I agree, it's not as frighteningly funny as it could, or good bad as it could be.

[1:11:52] Yeah.

[1:11:52] But I think it was.

[1:11:53] I think it, I would call it good bad.

[1:11:54] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:55] I feel also like, I feel like it's the, part of the challenge is centering the story on Dracula himself.

[1:12:02] Yes.

[1:12:02] As opposed to the other characters.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:04] I think this is better than the other Dracula movie we did years ago on the Flophouse.

[1:12:08] We did, um.

[1:12:09] Dracula Untold?

[1:12:10] No, well, and better than that.

[1:12:12] There was a, we did like a Dario Argento Dracula.

[1:12:14] Right.

[1:12:14] Where he turned into a giant praying mantis at one point.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:17] Oh, yeah.

[1:12:17] I've totally, what?

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:21] And, uh.

[1:12:21] I don't remember this.

[1:12:22] I think this is more of a good bad movie than that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:25] Okay.

[1:12:25] You know, but it's a.

[1:12:26] I feel like there was a couple of like wacky gore scenes that were fun in that one, but I don't remember anything else.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:32] I really only remember him showing up as a CGI giant praying mantis.

[1:12:35] Yeah, I do remember that.

[1:12:36] Uh, but yeah, there's better Dracula movies, that's for sure.

[1:12:38] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:44] By now you've heard Eurovangelist is the award-winning show all about the Eurovision Song Contest.

[1:12:49] So you already know we discussed the latest Eurovision news, look back on Eurovision history, and argue about which country should win the next Eurovision.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:56] And you know the answer is Sweden, right?

[1:12:58] But you might not know that Eurovision is heading east.

[1:13:01] The first ever Eurovision Asia will take place this November in Thailand.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:05] All the Eurovision fun choreo and chaos you love.

[1:13:07] And we'll be covering all the songs and competitors every week from now until November, so you'll be ready for the big show in Bangkok.

[1:13:12] For all things Eurovision Asia, tune in to Eurovangelists at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get podcasts.

[1:13:19] Hey, Sweden can't win Eurovision Asia, can they?

[1:13:22] New songs, new countries, same Oscar.

[1:13:26] Waterloo!

Dan McCoy

[1:13:26] Sunscreen companies calculate SPF by testing it on volunteers' butts.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:33] There is a can of Spam in the Mariana Trench.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:36] A Nobel Prize-winning physicist from the Manhattan Project invented modern speed bumps.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:42] Mesoamerican native people invented kidney medicine that glows in the dark.

[1:13:46] On the podcast, Secretly Incredibly Fascinating, we explore this kind of amazing stuff.

[1:13:51] Stuff about ordinary topics like sunscreen and spam and speed bumps.

[1:13:55] Topics you'd never expect to be.

[1:13:57] The title of the podcast, Secretly Incredibly Fascinating.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:00] Find us by searching for the word secretly in your podcast app.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:04] And at MaximumFun.org.

[1:14:10] Guys, I want to tell you a bit about our sponsors.

[1:14:14] And, you know, we're humans.

[1:14:17] We're not Draculas.

[1:14:19] We can't subsist on blood.

[1:14:21] We need to eat.

[1:14:22] And the thing about eating food is you got to prepare it.

[1:14:26] It takes time.

[1:14:27] You got to figure out what you're going to eat.

[1:14:29] Sometimes that's the hard part.

[1:14:30] Sometimes you're like, I don't know, man.

[1:14:33] Like, I got to make another choice in my life.

[1:14:37] The beauty of something like Factor is you can get pre-made meals ready to eat.

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[1:14:55] And, you know, in months like this when, say, you're traveling for your podcast,

[1:15:03] I don't know how many people that applies to out in the world,

[1:15:05] but if you're anything like that.

[1:15:06] More and more.

[1:15:07] More than it used to.

[1:15:08] Maybe you're tired.

[1:15:09] Maybe you don't want to have to do that extra work.

[1:15:12] That's where Factor comes in.

[1:15:13] Their meals are ready to eat in two minutes.

[1:15:18] Factor meals are ready to eat in two minutes

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[1:15:27] eating well is an achievable goal.

[1:15:29] Each week you can find over 100 nutrient-dense menu items that you can pick from

[1:15:34] with options like salmon burgers, shredded pork, collard greens, and more.

[1:15:40] And 97% of users agree that Factor meals help them live a healthier life.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:47] I just wanted to interrupt here just because I laughed for a moment to myself

[1:15:50] because I imagined after having seen Iron Maiden last night,

[1:15:53] a song called Two Minutes to Meal Time.

[1:15:58] Definitely worth it.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:01] So if you want to eat healthier,

[1:16:02] you can feel confident that you're doing something good for yourself with each meal.

[1:16:08] I have said it many times before.

[1:16:09] I will say it again.

[1:16:10] I'm a person who enjoys to cook.

[1:16:13] I like project cooking.

[1:16:16] I like making something fancy.

[1:16:18] But sometimes even a Dan McCoy gets tired.

[1:16:22] I know it's hard to believe the sleepy man gets tired.

[1:16:26] But sometimes I just need something.

[1:16:28] Adrenaline Dan McCoy.

[1:16:30] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:31] Jumping Jack Dan.

[1:16:32] My name is Jack and Dan?

[1:16:37] There's a little story about Jack and Dan.

[1:16:40] Anyway, continue, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:42] But for those times that I'm tired and I don't want to have to worry about that sort of choice,

[1:16:48] I just want something good, something that's going to be good for me,

[1:16:52] that's when it's good to reach for a Factor meal.

[1:16:54] So let's eat real.

[1:16:56] Head to factormeals.com slash flop50off and use code flop50off,

[1:17:02] that's the numeral 50,

[1:17:04] to get 50% off and one free breakfast item per box for one year

[1:17:08] while supplies last until October the 31st, Halloween, 2026.

[1:17:15] That's code flop50off at factormeals.com.

[1:17:18] Flop50off at factormeals.com.

[1:17:21] See website for more details.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:25] Before we go on with the show,

[1:17:27] I want to mention that Flop TV continues to be on the air.

[1:17:30] That's right, Flop TV, the one-hour online streaming video version of this very show.

[1:17:36] It's like the TV version of The Flophouse,

[1:17:38] and you can watch it live the first Saturday of every month

[1:17:41] at 9 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Pacific.

[1:17:44] Just go to theflophouse.simpleticks.com

[1:17:48] for more information and to buy tickets.

[1:17:50] I recommend the six-pack.

[1:17:51] That's six shows for the price of five, the season pass.

[1:17:54] If you've missed the previous episodes we started in September, that's okay.

[1:17:58] Your tickets get you access to the recordings of those shows.

[1:18:01] You didn't miss them, and you can watch them over and over again until the end of February.

[1:18:04] The theme this season is, of course, the worst best picture winners,

[1:18:09] and we're just talking about a few of them.

[1:18:10] We've already covered Green Book and The Greatest Show on Earth,

[1:18:14] and in November, on November 7th,

[1:18:16] we'll be talking about the worst of the worst,

[1:18:18] according to Stuart, Gladiator.

[1:18:20] Yeah, we're piling it all on Stuart,

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:22] because it's personal windmill to tilt at.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:25] So join us as we talk about Gladiator every episode.

[1:18:28] There's a presentation.

[1:18:30] There's video segments.

[1:18:32] We really have been getting more and more professional, amazingly,

[1:18:35] with each season of the show.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:36] But not so professional that it doesn't look a little silly.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:39] It still feels like the Flophouse, yeah.

[1:18:41] And it's been really fun.

[1:18:43] So join us the first Saturday of each month through February

[1:18:46] at 9 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Pacific.

[1:18:49] Go to theflophouse.simpleticks.com,

[1:18:52] and you can rewatch those episodes as much as you can

[1:18:55] and see what other best picture winners.

[1:18:58] We are going to see if they're actually worst picture losers.

[1:19:02] Well said.

[1:19:03] Before we move on, I also want to remind people of my personal plugs.

[1:19:06] What?

[1:19:07] That's right.

[1:19:07] The collection of Barbarian Behind Bars,

[1:19:10] my recent series from Mad Cave Studios, is out now.

[1:19:13] And a lot of people have been asking me about it.

[1:19:15] I think people seem to like it.

[1:19:16] And so Try It Out is a B-movie on paper,

[1:19:19] a real pulpy fantasy Conan the Barbarian-type hero

[1:19:23] who gets thrown in a maximum security prison on Earth

[1:19:26] and has got to figure out how to get out.

[1:19:27] His public defender has got to figure out

[1:19:29] what the hell is going on with this guy

[1:19:30] and how is she supposed to help him.

[1:19:32] And at the same time, Joke Farming,

[1:19:34] my book about joke writing from the University of Chicago Press,

[1:19:37] continues to exist.

[1:19:37] If you haven't read it, go read it

[1:19:40] or get the audiobook read by me.

[1:19:43] I read it like this.

[1:19:45] Not really.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:45] I read it with my regular voice,

[1:19:46] which is slightly less irritating.

[1:19:48] And you can slow that down so it's listenable, right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:51] Well, I want to listen to it at half speed.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:54] Let's answer some letters from listeners.

[1:19:57] Like who?

[1:19:58] Shall we?

[1:19:58] Listeners like you?

[1:20:00] Like me?

[1:20:01] Well, not you.

[1:20:02] You're on the show.

[1:20:02] Oh, I am?

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:04] You're not.

[1:20:04] Right now?

[1:20:04] You are a listener.

[1:20:06] You listen to it.

[1:20:06] I do listen to the show also

[1:20:07] because I forget what we said

[1:20:08] and then I listen to it later and I laugh at it.

[1:20:10] You're not listening to it while we're making it.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:14] I forget almost immediately

[1:20:16] and when I listen to the show,

[1:20:17] sometimes I'm like,

[1:20:19] oh, that's when I spaced out for a second

[1:20:21] and I didn't hear the thing that they were saying.

[1:20:23] It was pretty funny.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:24] But you think of something funny in the moment,

[1:20:26] you're like, I should have said it then.

[1:20:27] Yeah, yeah.

[1:20:28] There have been times

[1:20:28] when I've listened to the podcast

[1:20:29] and I'm like, oh, I should have said this thing

[1:20:31] and then a moment later,

[1:20:31] I say that thing in the podcast

[1:20:33] and I'm like, I am myself.

[1:20:34] Good one, Elliot.

[1:20:35] I predicted me.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:38] Yeah, I've had the same experience.

[1:20:40] This one, this letter that is,

[1:20:41] is from Alex's last name withheld.

[1:20:43] Smith.

[1:20:44] Yeah, it's from Alex.

[1:20:46] Alex burnt up.

[1:20:48] Alex looked up, shocked.

[1:20:51] He's here producing with us,

[1:20:53] but he was looking at his phone.

[1:20:54] I don't remember sending you a letter.

[1:20:55] Wait, my name?

[1:20:56] No, this is from Alex, presumably not Smith.

[1:20:58] That's not my Alex impression.

[1:20:59] He doesn't sound like that.

[1:21:01] And it goes, howdy from Sydney, peaches.

[1:21:04] Oh, you were in Sydney, Alex?

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:06] Oh, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:09] I recently bought.

[1:21:10] G'day, me.

[1:21:11] Bonzer.

[1:21:13] I recently bought and consumed.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:16] Sorry, Alex from Sydney.

[1:21:17] We apologize.

[1:21:17] We immediately went to making fun of Australian accents.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:21] We apologize.

[1:21:22] I recently bought and consumed

[1:21:23] Elliot Kalin's children's books.

[1:21:25] They're my son's favorite.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:26] Like you read them or you ate them.

[1:21:28] Either way, I'm getting money.

[1:21:30] Yeah.

[1:21:30] But thank you for reading them.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:31] I mean, eating them is even better

[1:21:32] because then you have to rebuy it.

[1:21:33] Exactly.

[1:21:34] You got to get a new one.

[1:21:35] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:35] They're my son's favorite for some reason.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:39] Harsh.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:40] The first time we read Sadie Mouse Wrecks the House,

[1:21:43] he demanded I read it five more times.

[1:21:45] Oh, great.

[1:21:46] I couldn't get into it as much as that four-year-old.

[1:21:48] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:49] It's not for you, dude.

[1:21:50] Harsh.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:50] I was hung up on the unrealistic speed of repair

[1:21:54] depicted within.

[1:21:55] Oh, well, it is, yeah.

[1:21:55] Make fun of his accent more.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:57] Oh, I feel like this here picture book for kids

[1:22:01] is not speaking to me.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:02] Oh, I love it.

[1:22:03] The damage to the wrecked house was vast

[1:22:05] and even if a professional repair crew were brought in,

[1:22:10] paints and adhesive have dry times,

[1:22:12] which cannot be changed.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:13] I have no problem with the fact the main characters are mice

[1:22:16] that talk and have jobs in a house.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:18] I intended to post this plot hole to the internet literary database

[1:22:22] once I create the website.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:24] Goof.

[1:22:25] A mouse child could not repair a house this fast.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:28] I also look forward to the revised edition

[1:22:31] and believe it will be very well received,

[1:22:34] much like the George Lucas revisions to his outdated works.

[1:22:39] I like this letter.

[1:22:41] I'm sure Elliot will have some knee-jerk pushback,

[1:22:43] but in time accept it as the valuable advice that it is.

[1:22:49] What other advice have you all received

[1:22:50] that initially you resisted,

[1:22:52] but over time realized was sound?

[1:22:55] What made you ignore it or accept it at the time?

[1:22:58] This could be professional or personal advice.

[1:23:01] Alex, last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:03] I don't know if this is advice so much as

[1:23:05] I was a pretty unhappy kid

[1:23:07] and continue to be an unhappy adult,

[1:23:09] but I was a pretty unhappy kid

[1:23:11] and people would tell me,

[1:23:12] it's okay, everybody feels that way.

[1:23:14] Everybody goes through these things.

[1:23:15] And I found that not soothing at all.

[1:23:18] I was like,

[1:23:18] but I want to be an individual who's unique.

[1:23:20] Whereas now as an adult,

[1:23:21] knowing that other people deal with the same kinds of challenges

[1:23:24] that I deal with,

[1:23:25] it does soothe me.

[1:23:26] So it's like,

[1:23:26] it is advice I can take to help me.

[1:23:28] Or not always advice,

[1:23:29] but it is the thing that helps me to be calmer

[1:23:31] as opposed to having no effect whatsoever.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:34] Yeah, I mean,

[1:23:34] therapy alone is just a big thing

[1:23:37] that I was resistant to for a long time,

[1:23:39] mainly because I adopted my father's weird stance

[1:23:43] that like,

[1:23:44] you know,

[1:23:44] that I'm like too smart for therapy

[1:23:47] or some bullshit.

[1:23:49] But it's helped me so much.

[1:23:51] So I'm glad that I overcame this.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:53] Sorry,

[1:23:54] it's very similar to yours.

[1:23:56] I wanted to say,

[1:23:57] Elliot,

[1:23:58] my dad used to tell me

[1:23:59] when I came up to him

[1:24:02] being like,

[1:24:02] I'm bored or whatever it is,

[1:24:03] he would say,

[1:24:04] this too shall pass,

[1:24:05] which annoyed me as a kid.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:07] That is very,

[1:24:08] the only thing you were warning

[1:24:09] is if he could say,

[1:24:10] only boring people are bored.

[1:24:11] My need is not being addressed right now, sir.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:15] But now I think that this too shall pass

[1:24:18] is a very,

[1:24:19] it's something that I take a lot of comfort in.

[1:24:20] I mean,

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:20] I think that's potential,

[1:24:22] that's the,

[1:24:23] there's an old story about

[1:24:24] like a king somewhere,

[1:24:25] he wants to prepare his son

[1:24:27] to replace him.

[1:24:29] And he asked all the wisest people in the kingdom

[1:24:30] to put together all the knowledge

[1:24:32] that he will need

[1:24:33] in order to rule.

[1:24:34] And they take,

[1:24:36] you know,

[1:24:36] a decade

[1:24:37] and they put together

[1:24:37] an encyclopedia of books

[1:24:38] and he goes,

[1:24:39] Crush,

[1:24:40] peasant,

[1:24:40] revolts.

[1:24:41] And he goes,

[1:24:42] this is too much,

[1:24:42] this is too much.

[1:24:43] Like,

[1:24:43] I need you to boil it down.

[1:24:44] And they take another decade

[1:24:45] and they boil it down to one volume.

[1:24:47] They go,

[1:24:47] this is too much,

[1:24:47] this is too much.

[1:24:48] And they take another decade

[1:24:49] and they go,

[1:24:50] we figured it out.

[1:24:51] what is it?

[1:24:51] And he says,

[1:24:52] this too shall pass.

[1:24:53] that's it.

[1:24:54] That's all he needs to know.

[1:24:55] And I feel like that's the,

[1:24:55] it's the wisest thing a human can know

[1:24:57] is all things change

[1:24:59] and nothing is permanent.

[1:25:00] You know,

[1:25:00] there should be a religion

[1:25:01] based around that.

[1:25:02] Oh wait,

[1:25:02] there are.

[1:25:03] But the,

[1:25:04] I think professionally,

[1:25:06] I think it's,

[1:25:07] the advice I'm always getting

[1:25:08] because I am lazy

[1:25:10] at a certain level

[1:25:10] is you've got to just do this thing

[1:25:13] or make it happen.

[1:25:14] And the dream of every creative person

[1:25:17] is to not have to make the work

[1:25:19] before they are paid for the work.

[1:25:21] But so often you have to do the thing

[1:25:22] before you can be paid for it.

[1:25:24] And every time I'm like,

[1:25:26] oh,

[1:25:27] I guess I'll just,

[1:25:28] the dream is for me to be like,

[1:25:29] I have an idea.

[1:25:30] And someone go,

[1:25:31] here's money to write that idea.

[1:25:32] But instead I have to,

[1:25:33] I always have to do it first

[1:25:34] and then get paid later.

[1:25:35] Well,

[1:25:35] I mean,

Dan McCoy

[1:25:37] I was like fine with that

[1:25:38] until I got paid for it.

[1:25:39] And then I got resentful

[1:25:40] about it when I'm like,

[1:25:41] I thought I was past the part

[1:25:43] where I had to do the,

[1:25:44] but you're never past that part,

[1:25:45] ever.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:46] I remember once talking to my reps,

[1:25:47] I was like,

[1:25:48] I just want to get to the point

[1:25:48] where I don't have to pitch things.

[1:25:49] And they're like,

[1:25:50] everybody has to pitch.

[1:25:51] That's your job.

[1:25:52] You're always,

[1:25:53] they were like,

[1:25:53] has anyone ever not had to pitch

[1:25:55] maybe George Lucas

[1:25:56] when he still owned Lucasfilm

[1:25:58] could do something with it.

[1:25:59] But even then he probably had to pitch

[1:26:00] to the people below him.

[1:26:02] And then we got great stuff

Dan McCoy

[1:26:03] like Radioland Murders.

[1:26:04] Yep.

[1:26:05] It's true.

[1:26:06] Which is a movie I actually like

[1:26:07] better than a lot of people.

[1:26:08] Wow.

[1:26:09] Immediately goes back.

[1:26:10] back on his bird.

[1:26:11] Yeah.

[1:26:12] Well,

[1:26:12] I mean,

[1:26:12] like I think I could choose

[1:26:14] other George Lucas produced things

[1:26:16] that I think are-

[1:26:17] But Radioland Murders

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:18] had more zip in the telling.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:19] It's certainly the funniest

[1:26:20] of the ones to mention.

[1:26:21] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:21] Yeah.

[1:26:21] I mean,

[1:26:22] I feel like,

[1:26:22] I don't know how,

[1:26:24] I guess I was a little resistant to it,

[1:26:25] but I feel like one of the things

[1:26:26] professionally is like

[1:26:28] working in bars,

[1:26:30] running hobby stores.

[1:26:32] It was the,

[1:26:34] and also making podcasts

[1:26:35] is like the most important thing

[1:26:37] is consistency.

[1:26:39] Like,

[1:26:39] you have to do the same thing

[1:26:41] over and over and over.

[1:26:43] With a bar,

[1:26:44] you need to be able to present.

[1:26:46] You need to stay open.

[1:26:47] If you're open till four,

[1:26:48] you have to stay open till four

[1:26:49] every day.

[1:26:50] Like,

[1:26:50] you need to be able to give people

[1:26:51] something to expect.

[1:26:53] And that consistency

[1:26:54] is what builds a following,

[1:26:56] what builds,

[1:26:57] I don't know,

[1:26:58] character.

[1:26:58] Like,

[1:26:58] it's just important in it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:00] It's something that we learned

[1:27:01] with this podcast.

[1:27:02] We're like,

[1:27:02] we built an audience

[1:27:03] much stronger and faster

[1:27:05] when we put it out

[1:27:06] on a consistent schedule

[1:27:07] rather than...

[1:27:08] When we planned it

[1:27:09] instead of like each week,

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:10] we're like,

[1:27:10] hey,

[1:27:10] so we're supposed to record,

[1:27:12] I think.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:12] There were so many,

[1:27:13] early on,

[1:27:13] there were so many years

[1:27:15] where it was like,

[1:27:15] oh yeah,

[1:27:15] we haven't put out an episode

[1:27:16] in a while.

[1:27:17] Yeah,

[1:27:17] are you guys free tonight?

[1:27:18] We should do this,

[1:27:19] you know?

[1:27:19] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:20] I mean,

[1:27:20] those were also the years

[1:27:22] where every time we recorded,

[1:27:25] we would all meet together.

[1:27:26] We would watch the movie,

[1:27:27] we would eat dinner,

[1:27:29] and I would have like

[1:27:30] four tall boys of fucking beer

[1:27:33] and I'd be like hammered.

[1:27:35] You know,

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:35] it was a minimum four hours,

[1:27:38] you know,

[1:27:39] of getting together,

[1:27:40] watching the movie,

[1:27:41] Dan having to do some detective work

[1:27:42] to find why his dinner

[1:27:43] has not arrived yet.

[1:27:44] Oh yeah,

[1:27:44] the dinner detective.

[1:27:45] Dan would go

[1:27:46] like dinner detective,

[1:27:46] but we're all done together

Dan McCoy

[1:27:47] at,

[1:27:48] you know,

[1:27:49] in a compressed time.

[1:27:50] Like,

[1:27:50] it's not spread out over,

[1:27:51] like we slept in.

[1:27:52] No,

Dan McCoy

[1:27:52] that's true.

[1:27:53] I do miss those days of Dan,

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:54] like,

[1:27:55] kind of arguing with his phone.

[1:27:57] He's like,

[1:27:57] but I did order it,

[1:27:58] like,

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:59] I put the address in right.

[1:28:01] That happened like twice.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:02] Yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:02] but it happened enough.

[1:28:03] I mean,

[1:28:04] I can like hear it in my head.

[1:28:06] There's only one time

[1:28:07] that I think you fell asleep

[1:28:08] during the movie,

[1:28:09] but that's,

[1:28:09] that's an indelible movie for me too.

[1:28:11] I love that.

[1:28:12] Oh my God,

[1:28:12] that was great.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:13] I think I was sick though.

[1:28:15] I think,

Dan McCoy

[1:28:15] I think,

[1:28:15] sick of that movie.

[1:28:19] So what's the next,

[1:28:20] what's the next letter,

[1:28:21] Dan?

[1:28:21] Sure,

[1:28:22] I'll move on.

[1:28:24] Why not?

[1:28:26] This letter is from,

[1:28:28] what a couple of assholes.

[1:28:29] Willie lasted with hell.

[1:28:30] Lohman.

[1:28:31] He's saying,

[1:28:32] he's a man,

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:32] a piece of fruit.

[1:28:33] You can squeeze it,

[1:28:33] squeeze out the juice

[1:28:34] and throw the peel away.

[1:28:35] Yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:35] it's Willie Nelson.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:35] He says,

[1:28:36] stop telling that dirty joke about me.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:41] Willie says,

[1:28:42] recently in a desire to boost my knowledge

[1:28:44] of Elliot's favorite film movement,

[1:28:46] I opened the Criterion channel

[1:28:48] and blindly selected the first movie

[1:28:50] from their Czechoslovak New Wave collection.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:54] They have a great,

[1:28:54] the Criterion Czechoslovak New Wave collection

[1:28:56] is really great.

[1:28:57] There's many great movies

[1:28:58] that are not in that collection,

[1:28:59] but it's a great starting place.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:00] Well,

[1:29:01] he's what,

[1:29:01] if you pick the right movie.

[1:29:03] Well,

[1:29:03] and if you're the,

[1:29:04] if you're the person at Criterion

[1:29:05] who curates that,

[1:29:07] get in touch with Elliot

[1:29:08] because he wants to give you props.

[1:29:09] Yeah,

[1:29:10] do get in touch with Elliot.

[1:29:10] Elliot,

Dan McCoy

[1:29:11] don't,

[1:29:11] don't predict the letter too much.

[1:29:13] Selected,

[1:29:14] The Unfortunate Bridegroom.

[1:29:16] The Unfortunate Bridegroom

[1:29:17] is an immensely upsetting slapstick comedy

[1:29:20] about two bumbling detectives

[1:29:22] investigating a horrific sexual crime.

[1:29:25] The crime in question

[1:29:26] and the subsequent investigation

[1:29:28] are so unsettling

[1:29:29] that I believe

[1:29:30] describing them on a podcast

[1:29:31] would really harsh the vibe.

[1:29:33] I will say,

[1:29:33] that is not a good starter.

[1:29:35] Yeah.

[1:29:35] Don't worry, Elliot.

[1:29:36] I've already seen and loved

[1:29:37] several other Czech New Wave movies.

[1:29:39] including Daisies,

[1:29:41] closely watched Trains,

[1:29:42] The Cassandra Cat,

[1:29:43] and Diamonds of the Night.

[1:29:44] So I know not to-

[1:29:45] Cassandra Cat's very fun, yeah.

[1:29:46] Give up on the genre.

[1:29:48] My question is this.

[1:29:49] What movie do you think

[1:29:50] would be the worst

[1:29:51] introductory movie

[1:29:52] for a genre,

[1:29:53] series,

[1:29:53] or oeuvre?

[1:29:55] Optional example,

[1:29:56] Topeka would be the worst way

[1:29:58] for someone to be introduced

[1:29:59] to the state of Kansas.

[1:30:00] Wow.

[1:30:01] Thank you for-

[1:30:02] Offline.

[1:30:03] Best of luck, Willie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:04] I'm very glad

[1:30:05] that the hatred

[1:30:06] of Topeka, Kansas

[1:30:07] has returned to the podcast.

[1:30:08] Not because I have any

[1:30:09] axe to grind against Topeka.

[1:30:10] No, we have no personal experience.

[1:30:12] I've never been there.

[1:30:13] Someday we gotta do a show there

[1:30:14] to find out.

[1:30:15] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:15] Maybe for the 21st birthday.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:20] Yeah, I apologize.

[1:30:21] Yeah, that's not the best

[1:30:22] Czech New Wave movie.

[1:30:22] So you gotta,

[1:30:23] I would always recommend

[1:30:24] starting with closely watched Trains

[1:30:25] if anyone listening

[1:30:26] has not gotten

[1:30:27] into those movies yet.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:28] I mean,

[1:30:28] I think a common thing

[1:30:30] is watching

[1:30:32] what is often considered

[1:30:34] to be like

[1:30:34] the peak of a genre

[1:30:36] and then from then onwards

[1:30:38] being just disappointed.

[1:30:40] I mean,

[1:30:40] I've told this on the podcast,

[1:30:41] but it's like,

[1:30:42] you know,

[1:30:43] when I went into Blockbuster

[1:30:44] and I'm like,

[1:30:45] I wanna see what this

[1:30:46] anime thing's all about,

[1:30:47] I'll start with Akira.

[1:30:49] Yeah.

[1:30:49] And then like,

[1:30:49] after that,

[1:30:50] you're like,

[1:30:50] obviously there are,

[1:30:52] there are arguments

[1:30:53] about what is the peak

[1:30:55] of the genre,

[1:30:56] but,

[1:30:56] or the form.

[1:30:57] But like,

[1:30:58] that's a tough one,

[1:30:59] at least at that time.

[1:31:01] Yes.

[1:31:01] To be like,

[1:31:02] it's tough to find things

[1:31:03] in the Blockbuster anime aisle

[1:31:06] that's going to compete

[1:31:07] with Akira.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:08] And also,

[1:31:08] it's hard to,

[1:31:09] at the time,

[1:31:09] it was hard to find things

[1:31:11] that just at that level

[1:31:12] of production.

[1:31:13] Yeah.

[1:31:13] Well,

[1:31:13] yes.

[1:31:14] Because Akira had so much

[1:31:15] more intense work

[1:31:17] and resources.

[1:31:18] They're doing another

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:18] like theatrical,

[1:31:20] like re-release of it

[1:31:21] with,

[1:31:22] you know,

[1:31:22] restoration.

[1:31:24] And like,

[1:31:24] people are seeing it again.

[1:31:26] Like,

[1:31:26] seeing that movie

[1:31:26] in the theater

[1:31:27] for the first time,

[1:31:28] you're just like,

[1:31:28] there's so much just shit

[1:31:29] in each frame.

[1:31:30] I've never seen it

[1:31:31] in the theater.

[1:31:31] I gotta go see it.

[1:31:32] And hearing the soundtrack

[1:31:34] out loud,

[1:31:35] oh my God.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:35] Hearing that score

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:35] over theater speakers

[1:31:36] because I used to,

[1:31:37] I used to listen

[1:31:38] to that soundtrack

[1:31:39] all the time.

[1:31:39] I love it.

[1:31:40] It's so good.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:41] When you were speeding

[1:31:42] around Neo-Tokyo.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:43] On my bike,

[1:31:44] yeah.

[1:31:44] They're also like,

[1:31:45] that bike spit me out.

[1:31:46] It sued me out

[1:31:47] and spit me out.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:48] There are also,

[1:31:49] obviously,

[1:31:50] more extreme examples

[1:31:51] of genre

[1:31:51] that you have to like,

[1:31:52] work up to.

[1:31:53] I remember like,

[1:31:55] you know,

[1:31:55] every,

[1:31:56] You don't want to start

[1:31:56] with Cannibal Holocaust.

[1:31:57] Every October,

[1:31:58] I do a double feature

[1:31:59] of horror movies

[1:32:01] and in the early years

[1:32:02] of doing it,

[1:32:03] it was a much more

[1:32:04] mixed crowd

[1:32:04] of like,

[1:32:06] just like friends,

[1:32:07] you know?

[1:32:07] Like,

[1:32:07] I think it's self-selected

[1:32:08] over the years

[1:32:09] to like,

[1:32:10] people who are interested

[1:32:11] in that.

[1:32:12] But I remember like,

[1:32:14] screening Frank Henlader's

[1:32:16] brain damage

[1:32:17] and the horror

[1:32:18] of the crowd

[1:32:20] was palpable.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:21] Well,

[1:32:22] we,

[1:32:22] I mean,

[1:32:22] I'm sure I've talked

[1:32:24] about this.

[1:32:24] I've talked about it

[1:32:25] in a lot of ways,

[1:32:25] in a lot of places.

[1:32:27] But there was a

[1:32:28] heavy metal blog

[1:32:29] that I love,

[1:32:30] Last Rites.

[1:32:31] It's great.

[1:32:32] But one of the writers

[1:32:33] was talking about

[1:32:34] getting into extreme

[1:32:35] heavy metal

[1:32:35] is similar to like,

[1:32:37] getting into spicy food.

[1:32:39] And that if you

[1:32:40] jump into the deep end,

[1:32:42] and this is similar

[1:32:42] with like,

[1:32:43] sicko horror movies

[1:32:45] and stuff like that.

[1:32:46] If you jump into the deep end

[1:32:47] and like,

[1:32:48] try and eat a ghost pepper

[1:32:49] for your first spicy thing,

[1:32:50] it's gonna blow out your palate

[1:32:51] and you're gonna be like,

[1:32:52] fuck this forever.

[1:32:53] But if you work your way up

[1:32:55] and slowly become more,

[1:32:57] uh,

[1:32:58] desensitized.

[1:32:59] Desensitized.

[1:33:00] sick and weird.

[1:33:00] And able to like,

[1:33:01] notice the subtle,

[1:33:02] like,

[1:33:03] differences.

[1:33:04] Yeah.

[1:33:04] And also seeking new

[1:33:05] and strange experiences.

[1:33:06] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:07] It's hard

[1:33:08] because it's like,

[1:33:09] you want someone

[1:33:10] to get into a genre

[1:33:11] or a type of film

[1:33:12] or something

[1:33:13] with one that is

[1:33:14] good enough

[1:33:15] that they're really excited by it

[1:33:16] but not so good

[1:33:17] that they've,

[1:33:18] they're already at the pinnacle

[1:33:19] and everything's a disappointment.

[1:33:20] Yeah.

[1:33:20] And they talk about this a lot

[1:33:21] on the Marx Brothers Council podcast

[1:33:23] where it's like,

[1:33:24] what's the best

[1:33:25] Marx Brothers movie

[1:33:26] to start with?

[1:33:26] Because if you start

[1:33:28] with the best,

[1:33:28] then their later movies

[1:33:29] are a huge drop off.

[1:33:30] But there are people

[1:33:31] who start with their later movies

[1:33:32] and are like,

[1:33:33] oh,

[1:33:33] this is funny enough.

[1:33:34] And they find that

[1:33:35] there's treasures in store.

[1:33:36] But if you start

[1:33:37] with the later ones first,

[1:33:38] someone might be like,

[1:33:39] they are not funny.

[1:33:39] Like this is,

[1:33:40] I don't like this,

[1:33:41] you know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:41] And you know,

[1:33:41] like I ran into this a lot

[1:33:44] in trying to read modern comics

[1:33:47] because I find that

[1:33:48] a lot of them modern,

[1:33:49] not Elliot.

[1:33:51] But a lot of modern comics

[1:33:52] follow a very specific structure.

[1:33:54] Don't worry.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:54] The comics I write

[1:33:55] are not popular.

[1:33:56] But like the popular...

[1:33:57] Whatever the mainstream likes

[1:33:59] it is not what I'm doing.

[1:34:00] So I'll like,

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:01] I'll pick up a book

[1:34:02] that's been recommended

[1:34:03] like Saga,

[1:34:04] for instance.

[1:34:05] And I kind of bounce off it

[1:34:07] because it doesn't like...

[1:34:09] In a lot of ways,

[1:34:10] it feels like entry level

[1:34:11] and it doesn't feel like

[1:34:12] it's made for me

[1:34:13] and it's part of the structure.

[1:34:15] I mean,

[1:34:15] obviously the art is gorgeous.

[1:34:17] But I run into that a lot

[1:34:20] and I've,

[1:34:20] as an adult now,

[1:34:22] with a mature,

[1:34:22] a slightly more mature brain,

[1:34:24] I'm like,

[1:34:25] oh,

[1:34:26] this is just not for me.

[1:34:27] Yeah,

[1:34:27] it's just not your taste.

[1:34:28] But also,

[1:34:29] I'm glad that this exists

[1:34:31] because it provides

[1:34:32] an entry point for people

[1:34:33] who would be interested

[1:34:35] in reading comics

[1:34:37] and see that comics

[1:34:39] aren't,

[1:34:39] you know,

[1:34:39] just about superheroes,

[1:34:40] but there's like fun sci-fi

[1:34:42] space hopper type ideas,

[1:34:44] which is what I think

[1:34:44] Saga's about.

[1:34:46] I mean,

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:46] it is a really good transition book

[1:34:47] for people who are trying

[1:34:48] to get out of superheroes

[1:34:49] and find just other types

[1:34:51] of comics,

[1:34:53] other types of stories.

[1:34:54] Because it's not

[1:34:54] that different,

[1:34:55] but it is somewhat different.

[1:34:57] But it's,

[1:34:58] I find,

[1:34:59] the writing is a little

[1:34:59] slick and polished for me.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:01] But if you're like,

[1:35:01] hey,

[1:35:02] yeah,

[1:35:02] you want to get into comics,

[1:35:04] here's,

[1:35:05] I don't know,

[1:35:05] Prophet,

[1:35:06] or here's Dave McKean's Cages.

[1:35:08] Oh,

[1:35:09] yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:09] Those would not be

[1:35:10] good entry points.

[1:35:11] Also,

[1:35:12] here's Faust.

[1:35:13] No.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:15] Also,

[1:35:15] I think you don't want to like

[1:35:16] start anything,

[1:35:17] one off with something

[1:35:18] that's like playing

[1:35:19] with a genre.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:20] Well,

[1:35:20] that's why a lot of people

[1:35:21] they start with like Watchmen

[1:35:23] and it's like,

[1:35:23] don't do that.

[1:35:25] It doesn't,

[1:35:25] Watchmen is going to be,

[1:35:27] at,

[1:35:27] at maybe seem cool,

[1:35:29] but it's,

[1:35:29] it might be really boring

[1:35:30] if you're not like

[1:35:31] already familiar with

[1:35:32] that kind of superhero stuff.

[1:35:34] Yeah.

[1:35:34] I mean,

[1:35:34] maybe that's the best

Dan McCoy

[1:35:35] example actually.

[1:35:37] The nuances are going to be lost

[1:35:38] because.

[1:35:39] Yes.

[1:35:39] But to like get back to movies,

[1:35:41] I was thinking like,

[1:35:42] oh,

[1:35:42] if you show someone

[1:35:42] like a detective movie,

[1:35:43] don't show them

[1:35:44] the long goodbye

[1:35:45] first.

[1:35:47] Like maybe my,

[1:35:47] maybe my favorite Altman movie,

[1:35:49] like so good,

[1:35:50] but like you really need

[1:35:51] to understand

[1:35:52] what it's bouncing off of.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:54] And at the,

[1:35:54] but at the same time,

[1:35:55] I feel like there's a,

[1:35:57] you also don't want to be

[1:35:57] the person who's like,

[1:35:58] if you're going to understand this,

[1:35:59] you got to watch

[1:35:59] all these things.

[1:36:00] No.

[1:36:01] I guess whatever makes it

[1:36:02] homework is not,

[1:36:03] not good,

[1:36:03] you know?

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:04] But like,

[1:36:04] like looking back at

[1:36:06] the movie we did last time,

[1:36:07] like if I,

[1:36:08] if somebody was like,

[1:36:09] I want to check out

[1:36:10] slasher movies,

[1:36:11] I probably wouldn't recommend

[1:36:12] Scream as their first one

[1:36:13] because part of what

[1:36:14] makes Scream work

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:15] is that it's built on

[1:36:16] the legacy of others.

[1:36:17] And yet ironically,

[1:36:18] it was the first slasher movie

[1:36:19] for a lot of people.

[1:36:19] Yeah.

[1:36:20] Yeah.

[1:36:20] But,

[1:36:21] but I think that's the magic

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:22] of that one particular movie.

[1:36:23] The first slasher movie

[1:36:24] for Matthew Lillard

[1:36:25] who was one of the actors in it.

[1:36:27] First movie for him to be in.

[1:36:28] To be in.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:29] He wasn't in any slashers before.

[1:36:30] Actually,

[1:36:30] he might have been in others.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:31] I don't know for sure.

[1:36:32] I don't think so.

[1:36:33] Completist.

[1:36:35] Let's.

[1:36:35] Who's the theme of this

[1:36:37] Shocktober?

[1:36:37] Except for this one episode

[1:36:39] we're talking about today.

[1:36:40] Although he may have been in it

[1:36:41] in a background role.

[1:36:42] I don't,

[1:36:42] I can't confirm that.

[1:36:43] Yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:43] we don't,

[1:36:44] we did not go through,

[1:36:45] we didn't have an AI

[1:36:46] go through every frame of Dracula

Dan McCoy

[1:36:47] to see if Matthew Lillard

[1:36:49] was in.

[1:36:49] Thanks.

[1:36:50] There's an important disclaimer.

[1:36:53] We would have gotten

[1:36:54] fucking roasted.

[1:36:55] You know what?

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:55] Let's just put this disclaimer

[1:36:56] on every movie

[1:36:56] we've talked about.

[1:36:58] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:58] We got to have Matthew Lillard

[1:36:59] on the podcast

[1:37:00] so we can talk about this.

[1:37:02] Reach out to us,

[1:37:03] Matt.

[1:37:04] You're out there.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:05] Big fans.

[1:37:06] I mean,

[1:37:06] he is out there.

[1:37:08] Yeah.

[1:37:08] Man,

[1:37:09] that guy is out there.

[1:37:12] Let's,

[1:37:12] let's put a bow around

[1:37:13] this podcast

[1:37:14] by recommending

[1:37:15] some movies

[1:37:15] that we enjoyed

[1:37:17] that might be

[1:37:18] a little more worth your time

[1:37:19] than Dracula.

[1:37:20] Sure.

[1:37:20] I,

[1:37:21] you know,

[1:37:22] as mentioned,

[1:37:23] I think before,

[1:37:24] we're taping this a bit early.

[1:37:25] I don't know

[1:37:26] if it's still

[1:37:26] on the Criterion channel

[1:37:28] when this releases,

[1:37:31] but right now

[1:37:32] it's part of their

[1:37:32] girl group collection.

[1:37:35] I watched

[1:37:36] Times Square

[1:37:37] from 1980.

[1:37:38] Oh,

[1:37:39] I've been meaning

[1:37:39] to watch that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:40] I haven't seen it.

[1:37:40] Is it good?

[1:37:41] It's good.

[1:37:41] You're recommending it.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:42] It's good.

[1:37:43] It has the late

[1:37:44] Tim Curry in it.

[1:37:45] If you're looking

[1:37:46] for an in memoriam.

[1:37:47] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:48] I mean,

[1:37:48] I love,

[1:37:49] I'm a very big fan

[1:37:50] of Tim Curry.

[1:37:50] So I'm looking

[1:37:51] for other stuff

[1:37:52] he's done

[1:37:52] that I haven't seen.

[1:37:53] He's very much

[1:37:53] a supporting character.

[1:37:54] Could you imagine

[1:37:54] somebody being like,

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:56] I don't like Tim Curry.

[1:37:57] Like,

[1:37:57] that would be wild.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:58] I can understand

[1:37:59] someone not liking

[1:37:59] Curry,

[1:38:00] the food,

[1:38:01] but I cannot understand

[1:38:02] them not liking

[1:38:03] Tim Curry.

[1:38:03] Tim Curry,

[1:38:04] sure.

[1:38:05] He's someone I really

[1:38:06] wish I could have

[1:38:06] worked with

[1:38:07] when he was at

[1:38:08] the height of his power,

[1:38:08] Tim Curry.

[1:38:09] Amazing.

[1:38:10] I remember,

[1:38:11] like,

[1:38:12] it's so funny to me

[1:38:12] because it's like,

[1:38:13] the,

[1:38:14] obviously his indelible role

[1:38:15] is Frankenfurter,

[1:38:16] but to me,

[1:38:17] the second,

[1:38:17] just because I watched

[1:38:18] so much of it,

[1:38:18] was King Chicken,

[1:38:19] the villain on Duckman.

[1:38:20] And I would always be like,

[1:38:21] I can't believe

[1:38:22] Tim Curry is on Duckman.

[1:38:24] I mean,

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:24] for me it was Clue.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:25] I watched Clue so much.

[1:38:26] Yeah, yeah.

[1:38:26] And it's such a fun

[1:38:28] fucking performance.

[1:38:28] And he's good in Annie,

[1:38:30] a movie that,

[1:38:30] when I watch it now

[1:38:31] as an adult with my kids,

[1:38:32] I'm like,

[1:38:32] this movie is weird.

[1:38:33] This movie doesn't really work.

[1:38:34] But he's really good in it.

Dan McCoy

[1:38:37] But he's supporting.

[1:38:39] The leads of this

[1:38:40] are,

[1:38:41] a very young.

[1:38:42] Was it the worst witch?

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:43] Was that the one he's in also?

Dan McCoy

[1:38:44] Yes.

[1:38:44] Yeah, yeah.

[1:38:45] The leads of this

[1:38:46] are very young.

[1:38:47] Trini Alvarado,

[1:38:49] who many will know

[1:38:50] from Little Women.

[1:38:51] I, of course,

[1:38:51] remember her most

[1:38:52] from The Frighteners.

[1:38:55] And then there's.

[1:38:55] That's one I want to watch again too,

[1:38:56] The Frighteners.

[1:38:57] I haven't seen that in years.

[1:38:58] And the other,

[1:38:59] it's two teenage girls.

[1:39:02] The other is played

[1:39:03] by Robin Johnson,

[1:39:04] who I,

[1:39:05] very distinct movie presence.

[1:39:08] I looked her up on Wikipedia.

[1:39:10] She was tied

[1:39:11] to an exclusive contract.

[1:39:15] And the people

[1:39:17] who had her under contract

[1:39:18] did not deliver the roles

[1:39:20] that they promised.

[1:39:21] And so,

[1:39:21] by the time she was out

[1:39:22] of that contract,

[1:39:23] any sort of heat behind her

[1:39:24] disappeared.

[1:39:25] She sort of like

[1:39:25] did not do a lot of acting,

[1:39:27] which is unfortunate

[1:39:28] because she's got a lot

[1:39:29] of interesting presence.

[1:39:30] but it's,

[1:39:31] you know,

[1:39:32] it's about these two

[1:39:34] teen girls

[1:39:36] in 1980 New York.

[1:39:40] The Alvarada character

[1:39:42] is the daughter

[1:39:44] of a politician.

[1:39:46] She sort of

[1:39:47] goes off

[1:39:49] with the other girl

[1:39:50] who lives on the street

[1:39:51] because she's

[1:39:52] suffocated

[1:39:53] by sort of

[1:39:53] her current life.

[1:39:55] and they sort of

[1:39:57] live on the streets

[1:39:58] for a while

[1:39:59] having adventures

[1:40:00] even though

[1:40:01] Times Square

[1:40:02] is not cleaned up.

[1:40:03] The adventures

[1:40:03] are a little cleaned up

[1:40:04] for what

[1:40:05] two people

[1:40:06] are living on the street.

[1:40:07] They're not doing drugs.

[1:40:07] Yeah, yeah.

[1:40:09] But there's just

[1:40:10] a lot of like

[1:40:11] fun spirit in it.

[1:40:14] I was reading about it.

[1:40:16] There was sort of

[1:40:16] a more

[1:40:17] overt,

[1:40:20] there were more

[1:40:20] overt scenes in it

[1:40:21] that showed

[1:40:21] that there was

[1:40:22] like this

[1:40:23] budding

[1:40:23] lesbian attraction

[1:40:25] or relationship

[1:40:26] between these

[1:40:27] girls that were

[1:40:28] cut out

[1:40:29] theoretically

[1:40:31] to make more

[1:40:32] room for music

[1:40:33] because this has

[1:40:34] an amazing soundtrack

[1:40:35] but probably

[1:40:35] in reality

[1:40:36] out of prejudice

[1:40:37] but it's impossible

[1:40:39] to I think

[1:40:40] read the movie

[1:40:41] as anything

[1:40:41] other than

[1:40:42] a love story

[1:40:42] even with the stuff

[1:40:43] cut out.

[1:40:44] The subtext

[1:40:44] is all there.

[1:40:45] It's just

[1:40:45] you know

[1:40:46] a fun

[1:40:47] young people movie.

[1:40:48] It is

[1:40:48] a little shapeless

[1:40:50] but if you like

[1:40:51] something about

[1:40:52] New York City

[1:40:54] it has a lot

[1:40:55] of great New York stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:56] I didn't realize

[1:40:56] it's the same director

[1:40:57] as Pump Up the Volume

[1:40:58] and Empire Records

[1:40:59] so we did a lot

[1:41:00] of movies

[1:41:00] about like

[1:41:01] young people

[1:41:01] and music.

[1:41:02] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:03] The young people

[1:41:04] just doing it

[1:41:05] for themselves.

[1:41:06] Yeah.

[1:41:08] I'm going to

[1:41:09] recommend a movie

[1:41:09] I saw a little bit ago

[1:41:10] a new release

[1:41:12] that is the

[1:41:13] Adrenaline Rush

[1:41:15] Action Adventure

[1:41:17] Movie

[1:41:17] of the Year

[1:41:19] and that is

[1:41:20] Hope

[1:41:20] from filmmaker

[1:41:22] Na Hong Jin

[1:41:23] the director

[1:41:26] of The Wailing

[1:41:27] which is another

[1:41:28] favorite of mine.

[1:41:30] This is like

[1:41:30] a pedal to the metal

[1:41:31] like non-stop

[1:41:34] action adventure

[1:41:35] action thriller.

[1:41:37] It is

[1:41:39] beautifully shot.

[1:41:40] It is like

[1:41:41] the pace

[1:41:42] is just non-stop.

[1:41:43] It's great.

[1:41:47] I will say

[1:41:49] there are

[1:41:50] I love

[1:41:51] like this

[1:41:52] I don't want to

[1:41:52] go too into it

[1:41:53] because I feel like

[1:41:53] this is one of those

[1:41:54] movies where like

[1:41:55] kind of the less you know

[1:41:55] the better

[1:41:56] other than

[1:41:57] it's

[1:41:58] a crazy movie

[1:42:00] and there's aliens.

[1:42:02] But it's

[1:42:03] so I love

[1:42:05] like I love the structure

[1:42:06] and the story

[1:42:07] and

[1:42:08] but I will

[1:42:10] specifically say

[1:42:11] this

[1:42:12] this is a movie

[1:42:13] that does feature

[1:42:14] a lot of

[1:42:16] digital creature

[1:42:17] effects

[1:42:18] and I

[1:42:19] I

[1:42:20] found them to be

[1:42:21] a little distracting

[1:42:22] and disappointing.

[1:42:23] I hate to like

[1:42:25] knock on a movie

[1:42:26] I'm recommending

[1:42:26] that I think is great

[1:42:28] but it is one of those

[1:42:29] things where

[1:42:30] like be aware

[1:42:31] that that's

[1:42:32] going to happen.

[1:42:33] That has been the word

[1:42:34] on this

Dan McCoy

[1:42:35] like it played

[1:42:35] at like festivals

[1:42:36] and they actually

[1:42:37] redid some of the effects

[1:42:38] because apparently

[1:42:39] they looked even

[1:42:40] jankier before.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:42] But part

[1:42:42] and part of the thing

[1:42:43] the reason it sticks out

[1:42:45] is because

[1:42:46] everything else about it

[1:42:48] like is so

[1:42:49] like the

[1:42:50] the sets are so gorgeous.

[1:42:52] The setting's beautiful.

[1:42:54] It's shot so well.

[1:42:55] It's colorful.

[1:42:57] The performances are great.

[1:42:59] And it

[1:43:00] yeah

[1:43:00] it's

[1:43:00] like

[1:43:01] I highly recommend it.

[1:43:03] It's also

[1:43:03] be aware

[1:43:04] that it's also long.

[1:43:05] It's like

[1:43:06] similar to the Wailing

[1:43:07] it's like about

[1:43:08] three hours long

[1:43:09] but it's great.

[1:43:10] Which is why

[1:43:11] I haven't watched

[1:43:11] the Wailing yet.

[1:43:12] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:14] So it's a movie

[1:43:15] about whalers?

Dan McCoy

[1:43:16] Mm-hmm.

[1:43:17] Like Whale Fall.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:18] Oh okay.

[1:43:20] So

[1:43:20] I was thinking about

[1:43:22] a movie that I saw

[1:43:23] recently

[1:43:24] that I enjoyed a lot

[1:43:25] that's also about

[1:43:25] a character

[1:43:26] searching through time

[1:43:27] for love perhaps

[1:43:29] and that is

[1:43:30] Orlando

[1:43:30] directed by

[1:43:32] Sally Potter

[1:43:33] and starring

[1:43:33] Tilda Swinton

[1:43:34] in

[1:43:34] it's gotta be like

[1:43:36] this has gotta be

[1:43:36] her key role.

[1:43:37] It was the first time

[1:43:38] I saw Tilda Swinton.

[1:43:39] And she's so good in it

[1:43:40] and it's such a

[1:43:41] I love the book

[1:43:42] and the movie

[1:43:43] is not exactly

[1:43:44] the same as the book

[1:43:45] but it kind of

[1:43:45] gets at some of the

[1:43:46] same feelings

[1:43:47] but it's a really

[1:43:48] beautiful movie

[1:43:48] it's a really funny movie

[1:43:49] but it's also a very

[1:43:51] it's got a

[1:43:52] it's a shorter movie

[1:43:53] than this

[1:43:54] but it's got a

[1:43:54] Barry Lyndon-ish pace

[1:43:55] which I actually

[1:43:56] really liked

[1:43:57] it's a very deliberate

[1:43:58] pace

[1:43:58] and

[1:44:00] I just

[1:44:01] if it's

[1:44:01] if you are

[1:44:02] I remember

[1:44:02] I have a very strong

[1:44:03] memory of my mom

[1:44:04] going to see this movie

[1:44:05] in the theaters

[1:44:05] and coming home

[1:44:06] and thinking

[1:44:06] it was very weird

[1:44:07] and just telling me

[1:44:08] oh it's a really weird movie

[1:44:09] and the

[1:44:11] and I didn't get to see it

[1:44:12] until much later

[1:44:12] but I think it's

[1:44:14] I think it's just a really

[1:44:15] gorgeous movie

[1:44:17] and

[1:44:17] I definitely

[1:44:18] watched it in school

Dan McCoy

[1:44:19] no I

[1:44:20] we didn't watch it in school

[1:44:21] we might have been

[1:44:22] the same English class

[1:44:24] was it

[1:44:25] Kari Kallade

[1:44:26] yeah

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:26] I had to watch it

[1:44:28] on my own time

[1:44:29] but Tilda Swinton's

[1:44:31] great in it

[1:44:31] Billy Zane

[1:44:32] is surprisingly good in it

[1:44:33] as the kind of romantic

[1:44:34] kind of like

[1:44:35] 19th century character

[1:44:37] that Dracula

[1:44:38] should kind of be

[1:44:40] this kind of

[1:44:41] when Billy Zane

[1:44:41] turns up

[1:44:42] it's so

[1:44:43] it is kind of funny

[1:44:44] when Billy Zane

[1:44:44] turns up though

[1:44:45] it's like I did not expect

[1:44:46] like

[1:44:47] even his name is in the credits

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:48] but like you don't expect him

[1:44:49] to turn up

[1:44:49] he is like

[1:44:50] no

[1:44:51] Billy Zane can do like

[1:44:53] a fun hammy performance

[1:44:55] with some of the best

[1:44:56] yeah

[1:44:56] and

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:57] it's just really

[1:44:59] I think it's just a really

[1:44:59] gorgeous

[1:45:01] entertaining movie

[1:45:02] yeah

[1:45:02] so that's Orlando

[1:45:03] well

Dan McCoy

[1:45:05] let's

[1:45:05] let's wrap this episode up

[1:45:07] let's say thank you

[1:45:09] to Maximum Fun

[1:45:10] go to MaximumFun.org

[1:45:12] to check out

[1:45:13] other great shows

[1:45:14] on our podcasting network

[1:45:15] thanks to our producer

[1:45:17] Alex Smith

[1:45:17] who has been in the room

[1:45:19] with us

[1:45:20] but was so disgusted

[1:45:21] that he just

[1:45:22] oh he's back

[1:45:23] he's back

[1:45:23] check out his work

[1:45:26] under the name

[1:45:27] Howl Dottie

[1:45:28] on the internet

[1:45:28] he does great

[1:45:29] music and podcast

[1:45:31] and Twitch streams

[1:45:32] I'm fucking it up

[1:45:36] right at the end

[1:45:36] so I'll just say my name

[1:45:37] I've never fucked that up

[1:45:39] I've been Dan McCoy

[1:45:40] Stuart is looking at his phone

[1:45:43] he missed his cue

[1:45:44] because he was looking at his phone

Stuart Wellington

[1:45:46] I have been

[1:45:47] Stuart Wellington

[1:45:49] I'm Elliot Kalin

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:50] and I want to introduce

[1:45:51] before we go

[1:45:51] the Flophouse Challenge

[1:45:53] the Flophouse Challenge contest

[1:45:55] is I challenge you

[1:45:56] to leave a five star review

[1:45:58] for the Flophouse

[1:45:59] on the podcast app

[1:46:00] of your choice

[1:46:00] and the prize

[1:46:01] is a feeling of accomplishment

Dan McCoy

[1:46:03] that's the easiest

[1:46:06] feeling of accomplishment

[1:46:06] you'll get today

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:07] and I'm happy to give it out to you

[1:46:09] because I'm Elliot Kalin

[1:46:10] bye

[1:46:11] see you

[1:46:12] fear of the dark

Stuart Wellington

[1:46:22] when I go outside at night

[1:46:24] I'm super scared

[1:46:25] is that the B-52's version of

[1:46:27] fear of the dark

[1:46:29] I'm a man who walks alone

[1:46:32] ha ha ha

[1:46:34] I turned around

[1:46:35] and nobody's there

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:36] have you ever been alone at night

[1:46:40] alone at night

Dan McCoy

[1:46:42] Maximum Fun

[1:46:45] a worker owned network

[1:46:46] of artist owned shows

[1:46:48] supported

[1:46:49] directly

[1:46:50] by you

Dracula (2026)

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