FH Mini #161 - Magazine Quizzes

[0:00] Welcome, listener.

Elliott Kalan

[0:06] Maybe by mistake, maybe by twist of fate,

[0:09] you have stepped into a Flophouse mini.

[0:13] That is an episode of the Flophouse

[0:15] where we don't talk about a bad movie,

[0:17] but instead we do whatever we want.

[0:22] My name is Elliot Kalin.

[0:23] I'm joined today by my regular co-host, Dan.

[0:25] Stu, what are your names?

[0:27] Stuart Wellington.

[0:29] Now, I'm going to drop the pretense

[0:30] because this mini is actually not about spooky, scary stuff

[0:33] or about gothic art.

Stuart Wellington

[0:34] We're just recording it in the spookiest season of all.

[0:38] Yes, September.

[0:39] September 29th, but it's airing much later.

[0:42] Yeah, yeah, that's spooky season to German people.

Dan McCoy

[0:45] I've already started my Halloween movie watching.

Stuart Wellington

[0:49] Oh, what have you started with?

[0:50] When do you stop Halloween movie watching?

Dan McCoy

[0:52] Well, it is, I mean, I'll watch horror movies all year, obviously,

[0:56] but there's a greater intensity around the mid-September

[1:00] because I'm like excited that Halloween's on the horizon.

[1:04] Yeah, so you wolf down some candy.

[1:07] Yeah, like through, yeah, the end of October.

[1:10] By that time, I've gorged myself and I'm sick of it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13] I'm like, I want to see a movie.

[1:15] You're eating candy wearing one of those old-timey costumes

[1:17] that's like a picture of the character you're supposed to be

[1:20] on the plastic sheet you're wearing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21] The mask is connected by a little string of elastic in the back.

[1:24] Exactly, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:25] But by November, you know, I want to see a movie

[1:26] where no one gets eviscerated.

[1:29] Do they make movies like that?

[1:30] There's like a laugh.

[1:31] There's some laughs and, you know, maybe some kissing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34] Well, guys, I'm glad we got to talk a little bit about movies

[1:36] because today we're not going to be talking about movies.

[1:39] Oh, wow.

[1:39] No.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39] Okay.

[1:39] I was thinking about two things that I love

[1:42] that I feel like are not functioning the way that they used to

[1:45] when I was young, and that's television and magazines.

[1:49] My prostate.

[1:50] And that's television and my hair.

[1:55] So like me, you guys probably grew up reading magazines

[2:00] and maybe taking magazine quizzes.

[2:02] And so I wanted to take you through a few magazine quizzes that I found.

[2:07] These are real quizzes from real magazines.

[2:10] I love it.

[2:10] About real TV shows.

[2:12] And I say real with a wink, but these are quizzes.

[2:18] I don't know what to believe anymore.

[2:20] The rug has just been pulled from under me.

[2:22] There's a smile too.

[2:26] We're going to, I'm going to run you through a couple of magazine quizzes

[2:29] about TV shows.

[2:30] And so this is a quiz I found an issue of Men's Health Magazine from 1989.

[2:36] And it says, are you an ALF male?

[2:39] And it starts with this intro.

[2:40] There's a certain kind of man who is as envied and admired

[2:43] as he is magnetically attractive to potential sexual partners.

[2:46] These men are dominant, assertive, confident, and successful.

[2:49] To put it more simply, they are ALF males.

[2:51] Do you have what it takes to be an ALF male?

[2:53] Take our quiz and see how you match up to the most ALF male of all,

[2:56] the original ALF.

[2:57] But watch out.

[2:58] You may discover that you are in fact the opposite of an ALF male,

[3:01] a willy.

[3:01] So are you guys ready to take this quiz?

[3:03] Are you worried you're going to find out you're a willy?

Dan McCoy

[3:04] Yes.

[3:05] Stuart, I'm beginning to suspect that some of the things that Elliot said

[3:08] in the introduction may not be true.

[3:09] These are real quizzes, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[3:11] These are real quizzes I found in real magazines.

[3:13] R-E-E-L quizzes?

[3:15] Exactly.

[3:16] Brought to you by Coca-Cola or whatever?

Elliott Kalan

[3:18] Yeah, exactly.

[3:19] This is the movie I made.

[3:20] Come watch it.

[3:21] And then the movie is always about someone drinking Coca-Cola.

[3:23] I mean, it's still a movie, dude.

[3:27] I'm not telling you.

[3:28] That's what it's supposed to.

[3:29] There's only one movie about Coca-Cola.

[3:31] There's two movies about drinking Coca-Cola.

[3:32] That's one, two, three, the Billy Wilder movie and Mac and Me.

[3:35] That's true.

[3:36] Those are the two movies about Coca-Cola.

[3:37] The Gods Must Be Crazy, was that?

[3:38] No, you're right.

[3:39] There's three movies about it.

[3:40] That's an empty bottle.

[3:40] But that's just the bottle.

[3:41] They don't drink it.

[3:41] Yeah, yeah.

[3:42] It's not the memory of Coca-Cola.

[3:44] The ghost of Coca-Cola.

[3:45] There's a ghost of a Coca-Cola in that bottle.

[3:47] Yeah, still haunting it.

[3:48] I'm seeing why I've seen it, Korn.

[3:49] That's one of those movies.

[3:50] When I was a kid, my parents were always talking about what a funny movie The Gods Must Be Crazy was.

[3:54] They were like, this is the funniest movie.

[3:55] And I remember watching it being like, I don't understand.

[3:57] This movie is not funny to me.

Stuart Wellington

[3:58] Yeah, you're like, where the fuck is George Burns?

Dan McCoy

[4:00] I mean, I remember finding it funny as a kid.

[4:02] Now I feel like I would find issue with its cultural sensitivity probably.

[4:08] Yeah, probably.

Elliott Kalan

[4:09] So let's take this quiz.

[4:10] This is a real quiz from Men's Health Magazine from 1989.

[4:12] Are you an ALF male?

[4:14] Question number one.

[4:15] How would you describe your planet of origin?

[4:17] A, recently destroyed.

[4:19] B, in the process of being destroyed.

[4:23] In the process.

[4:24] Yeah, B.

[4:25] Okay, so B for both of you.

[4:27] Okay.

[4:28] So question number two.

[4:31] Do you refuse to give up your childlike joy and youthful zest for life even as you approach

[4:35] your 228th birthday?

[4:37] A, yes.

[4:38] B, no.

Dan McCoy

[4:39] Well, this is hard because I don't think I have a lot of zest for life, but I still am

[4:45] very childlike.

[4:47] Yeah.

[4:47] So I think I'll say I do.

Elliott Kalan

[4:51] Okay, so yes.

[4:52] Okay, what about you, Stu?

[4:53] I'm going to agree.

[4:54] Yeah.

[4:54] Okay, yes.

[4:54] I still have a childlike sense of wonder about me.

[4:57] Okay, number three.

[4:58] Question number three.

[4:59] This is a real quiz.

[5:00] When you encounter a cat, what is your first instinct?

[5:02] A, to cuddle with it and treat it as a beloved pet.

[5:05] B, to eat it whole between two enormous pieces of bread.

[5:09] So A, would you cuddle a cat or B, would you eat it whole between two enormous pieces

[5:13] of bread?

Stuart Wellington

[5:15] That's a good question.

[5:17] Well, I think I would cuddle it.

[5:20] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[5:22] As an owner of two cats, I would not eat them between two enormous pieces of bread.

[5:27] Between two enormous pieces of bread.

Elliott Kalan

[5:29] What if, do you ever eat them without the bread?

[5:31] Or, yeah, I would not eat them in any form.

Dan McCoy

[5:34] In a car, you would not eat them with a fox.

[5:35] In a car, yeah, in a fox.

Stuart Wellington

[5:36] Or in a box.

[5:37] Yeah.

[5:39] Ta-da.

Elliott Kalan

[5:41] No, I'll ask this after.

[5:42] Okay.

[5:43] Question number four.

[5:44] Are you frequently naked in public?

[5:46] A, yes.

Stuart Wellington

[5:47] B, no.

[5:48] In public.

[5:50] More often than you'd think.

[5:52] Okay, so.

[5:53] So that's a yes for Stuart.

Dan McCoy

[5:54] Yeah, I'd say no for me.

[5:56] Okay, no for Dan.

[5:58] Dan has shame.

Elliott Kalan

[5:59] Question number five.

[6:01] Do I?

[6:01] On the rare occasions that you wear clothing.

[6:05] Do you favor A, loud, bold colors, rock star costumes, and a lack of pants?

[6:10] B, a subdued normcore wardrobe?

Dan McCoy

[6:14] I mean, I think this is pretty obvious, but I'm an A all the way.

Elliott Kalan

[6:17] This is an A for Stuart for sure, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[6:19] Yeah, I wouldn't go so far as to call it normcore.

[6:23] That seems a little extreme, but I'm closer to B.

[6:26] Okay, let's give you a B.

Elliott Kalan

[6:28] Okay, six.

[6:29] Have you ever hosted a short-lived talk show?

[6:31] A, yes.

[6:31] B, no.

[6:33] Hosted.

[6:34] Hosted, yes.

Dan McCoy

[6:35] I mean, the peach pit, so yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[6:37] Stuart gets an A, yeah, sure.

Dan McCoy

[6:39] I've been involved with a short-lived talk show.

[6:42] Hosted, Dan.

[6:43] Have you ever hosted?

[6:43] No, I haven't.

[6:44] I haven't personally hosted.

[6:45] All right, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[6:45] Did you show up to work ever and be like, we should try and mix it up.

[6:50] Let me be the host.

Elliott Kalan

[6:52] Yeah.

[6:52] This is a story that-

[6:53] Move over, Charlemagne.

[6:54] A story that was once told me by another Daily Show writer was that he was an intern at the Howard Stern Show,

[6:58] and one day the interns were like, Howard gets to host the show every day.

[7:02] When do we get to host the show?

[7:06] So, question number seven.

[7:08] Have you ever been described by someone other than yourself as a party animal?

[7:13] A, yes.

[7:14] B, no.

[7:15] Yes.

[7:16] No.

[7:17] Okay.

[7:17] Question number eight.

[7:19] Do you have trouble-

Dan McCoy

[7:19] This is moving in a direction that I think we all could have foreseen.

Elliott Kalan

[7:22] We don't know.

[7:23] We haven't finished with the quiz yet.

[7:25] Question number eight.

[7:25] Do you have trouble maintaining serious conversations due to your desire to deliver zany wisecracks

[7:31] and tell bizarre, sometimes disturbing stories about where you grew up?

[7:34] A, yes, or B, no.

Dan McCoy

[7:37] You know, I was just thinking earlier today.

[7:41] I was at yoga class.

[7:44] You know, Shavasana gives you a little time to think.

[7:47] Yeah.

[7:47] And I started thinking, do I derail too many conversations with jokes?

[7:53] Like, is my insatiable need to, like, make a joke at all times a bad thing?

[7:59] But I do think that I'm not like many comedians I have met over the years.

[8:04] I'm not unable to stop bits.

[8:09] So, this one's a hard one to say because I do think that my instinct is always to make a joke.

[8:14] Okay.

[8:14] But I can halt the bits.

Elliott Kalan

[8:17] So, I guess I'll say no.

[8:19] Okay.

[8:20] So, no.

[8:20] Stuart, do you have trouble maintaining a serious conversation due to your desire to deliver zany wisecracks

[8:24] and tell bizarre, sometimes disturbing stories about where you grew up?

Stuart Wellington

[8:27] I do.

[8:27] But I think I'm more – I think I've grown up enough that I think I'm actually a B.

[8:33] Okay.

[8:33] I think that's the work that me and my therapist have done together.

Elliott Kalan

[8:36] Okay.

[8:36] You guys did not fall into the trap that this quiz sets because there's actually an asterisk that says if you answer A, you may not be an alpha male, but in fact rose from Golden Girls.

[8:45] Oh, no.

[8:46] So, you guys are not rose from Golden Girls.

[8:47] Yeah.

[8:48] Question number nine.

[8:49] Could you be described as hirsute?

Dan McCoy

[8:54] I mean, I've got a beard, so I guess I'll say yes.

Elliott Kalan

[8:58] Okay.

[8:58] That's an A for yes for Dan.

[9:00] For Dan and Stuart, I'm going to say no for you, right?

[9:02] Yeah.

[9:03] Everything's shaved.

[9:04] Yeah.

[9:04] All of it.

[9:05] Yeah.

[9:05] Even the inside.

[9:07] Question number 10.

[9:08] Despite – they're like, no, you need those in your lungs.

[9:11] Those are the little things that the oxygen molecules attach to.

[9:15] No, no.

[9:16] I don't need these little hairs.

[9:17] No, just in case.

[9:18] Yeah, the concert I went to.

[9:19] Drink some there.

[9:20] Yeah.

[9:21] Despite being a charismatic wisecracker, do you frequently hide when strangers enter your home?

[9:26] Yes.

[9:28] Okay.

[9:29] And Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[9:30] No.

Elliott Kalan

[9:31] Okay.

[9:32] Nope.

[9:32] I make myself known.

[9:34] Okay.

[9:36] Do you always act like you've got something stuck up your butt?

[9:40] Always?

Dan McCoy

[9:43] I mean, I think there are times.

[9:45] You saw me after the show in Louisville.

[9:48] There's a lot of dancing.

[9:50] So, wait.

[9:51] So, is that a no?

[9:52] You're dancing because you had something stuck up your butt?

[9:54] No, I'm saying no.

[9:55] I'm saying –

[9:56] Oh, okay.

[9:56] I don't think I always act like there's something stuck up my butt.

Stuart Wellington

[9:59] I don't believe that I act like there's something always stuck up my butt either.

Elliott Kalan

[10:03] Okay.

[10:03] You don't act like there's nothing stuck up your butt.

[10:05] I mean, that could be an owl for a willy when you think about it.

[10:08] And finally, question number 12.

[10:09] True.

[10:10] Have you ever come back in pog form?

[10:12] A, yes, B, no.

[10:14] I never went away, baby.

[10:16] That's a no.

[10:17] No.

[10:18] Okay.

[10:18] Stuart, have you ever been a pog?

[10:20] You never came back in pog form?

[10:21] Have I ever been a pog?

Dan McCoy

[10:22] I don't – I mean –

[10:24] Now we're getting to the real question.

Stuart Wellington

[10:28] I mean, I feel like I'd be a fucking slammer pog at least, right?

[10:32] You would be, but have you been?

Elliott Kalan

[10:34] Not would I be.

[10:35] Have you been?

[10:36] Oh, this is not a would I be question.

[10:37] No, this is in your past history.

[10:39] Have you ever come back as a –

[10:40] You'd be a salmon.

[10:41] He's so slamming.

[10:41] Yeah.

[10:42] Yeah.

[10:42] I'm going to say no.

[10:43] I don't think I was ever a pog.

[10:45] Let me – so it says for every A, give yourself one point.

[10:47] For every B, take away one point.

[10:48] So let's take a look at this.

Dan McCoy

[10:49] Negative 1, 0, 1, 0.

Elliott Kalan

[10:52] Negative 1, negative 2, negative 3, negative 4, 3, 2, 1, 0.

[10:57] Contact.

[10:58] So Dan has a score of zero and Stuart has a score of negative 1, 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

[11:06] You both scored zeros.

[11:08] Yeah.

[11:08] Oh, I'm so sorry.

[11:09] You both scored zero.

[11:10] That means it says zero to seven – well, if you had gotten eight to 12 points, you would be an ALF.

[11:15] It says congratulations.

[11:16] You are an ALF male.

[11:17] Everyone thinks you are hilarious and lovable no matter how much trouble you cause for other people.

[11:20] Expect to be fed, housed, and cared for while contributing next to nothing in return except to rise in the general level of stress.

[11:26] That's not either of you.

[11:27] Instead, you have zero points, so you are a willy.

[11:30] It says sorry.

[11:30] You are a willy.

[11:31] Despite being the single person in your social unit who pays all the bills and keeps things from collapsing into chaos, you are rightly seen as an uncool scold that nobody likes.

[11:39] Oh, so you guys are both willies.

[11:40] Neither of you is an ALF male.

Stuart Wellington

[11:42] Yeah.

[11:42] I mean, I think it's fair.

[11:44] I mean, yeah.

[11:44] I mean, that's – at this point in my life, your ALF days are past.

[11:49] Yeah.

[11:49] That does seem fair.

[11:50] We're going to do one more quiz.

Elliott Kalan

[11:52] Maybe I could turn it around, guys.

[11:54] Yeah.

[11:55] I think I could turn it around.

[11:56] Never too late to be an ALF.

[11:57] I think you were kind of on the cusp until those last – unless – if you come back as a pog, Stuart, then you're well on your way to becoming an ALF.

[12:05] I feel like –

Stuart Wellington

[12:05] I still would make a pog a Stu.

[12:06] I feel like depending on how – you know how time makes Ewoks of us all.

[12:12] I think there's a chance that certain old men can become ALFs where they just like contribute nothing except for general stress.

Elliott Kalan

[12:19] Oh, my dad is definitely on the way to becoming an ALF for sure.

Stuart Wellington

[12:22] And probably likes the occasional loud print button-down shirt.

Elliott Kalan

[12:27] Oh, he loves them, but he doesn't get to wear them that much.

Stuart Wellington

[12:30] Yeah, my dad does wear some of those, but his only pants of choice right now are overalls because of simplicity, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[12:39] Those feel like the most ALF of pants because they're the easiest to take off.

[12:42] You just undo the straps and it falls down on its own accord.

Stuart Wellington

[12:44] Although he wears overalls all the time and sometimes he wears a yellow shirt under it and his like grand nephews are like calling him a minion.

Elliott Kalan

[12:56] It doesn't help that he also wears goggles at the same time.

[13:00] And speaks in sort of a gibberish language.

[13:02] He loves bananas.

[13:03] He's always like, I want that bag.

[13:08] It's so funny.

[13:09] He does someone inadvertently dressing as a minion.

[13:12] I just put on my yellow shirt and my overalls and my black boots and my black rubber gloves and my goggles and suddenly people call me a minion.

[13:18] I understand.

Dan McCoy

[13:19] I'm just doing some work on the car.

Elliott Kalan

[13:22] I'm not a minion.

[13:23] I'm not 10 Jewish men.

[13:25] Anyway, so quiz number two.

[13:28] Here's one more quiz, then we'll take a short break and then we'll go to our final quiz.

[13:31] Quiz number two.

[13:32] So this is from a real – this is a real quiz from an issue of Cosmopolitan from 1996.

[13:37] Cool.

[13:37] This is a real quiz that I found going through these magazines.

[13:39] Sure.

[13:39] And this quiz is called, Am I a Murphy Brown or a Xena Warrior Princess?

[13:43] Oh, okay.

[13:44] Let's find out which of these you guys are.

[13:46] Yeah.

[13:47] So question number one.

[13:49] What is your ideal job?

[13:50] A, hosting a news magazine show that carries itself as if it's doing something important but merely reinforces the centrist assumptions of the larger culture.

[13:58] Or B, Warrior Princess.

[14:00] What is your ideal job?

Stuart Wellington

[14:03] I don't think it's any surprise that I'm going to be on that one.

[14:06] Okay.

[14:07] Stuart, I'm sorry.

[14:08] Dan, what about you?

Elliott Kalan

[14:09] I don't think my skill set is right for it.

Dan McCoy

[14:13] Warrior Princess?

[14:14] I much prefer the idea of being a Warrior Princess.

[14:18] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[14:19] All right.

[14:19] You'd both rather be a Warrior Princess.

[14:21] Question number two.

[14:22] What regrettable backstory do you carry with you in forming your present actions?

[14:25] A, alcohol addiction.

[14:27] B, a past career as a ruthless pirate and warlord known as the destroyer of nations.

Dan McCoy

[14:33] I mean, I guess if I had to pick one, probably closer to A.

Stuart Wellington

[14:39] I mean, I feel like I'm closer to B because my alcohol issues are kind of present.

[14:45] They're not in the review.

[14:46] Oh, I see.

[14:47] It's not a backstory.

Elliott Kalan

[14:48] I'm going to call that an A.

[14:51] You're like, technically, it's not backstory.

[14:54] It's current story.

[14:58] What would I consider appropriate work attire?

[15:01] A, a business suit with enormous lapels and shoulder pads, the perfect thing to fire a secretary in.

[15:07] B, a leather and silver breastplate and skirt that imply more bare skin than they actually show because, hey, let's remember, this is basic cable syndication.

[15:15] So what is your appropriate work attire?

[15:17] Like a business suit with big lapels and shoulder pads or sort of leather kind of like Roman-ish, medieval-ish type outfit?

Stuart Wellington

[15:26] Well, I do think I'd look really good in those fucking giant shoulder pads.

Elliott Kalan

[15:31] I think you would.

[15:32] I thought you were going to say a leather skirt.

Stuart Wellington

[15:34] I mean, I'd also look good in that.

[15:35] So I've been working out my legs.

Elliott Kalan

[15:37] So the quiz was illustrated with a picture of Murphy Brown where she's wearing this like reddish-pinkish blazer.

[15:44] It looks like she's about to go fox hunting, but the lapels and the shoulders are so huge.

[15:49] And Stuart, I think you would look great in that jacket.

[15:51] Thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[15:51] Yeah.

[15:52] It was like a blouse with like a white kind of like ascot or scarf.

[15:56] Yeah, I think you'd look great.

[15:57] That's business.

Dan McCoy

[15:58] I still have jackets with like a certain amount of structure in the shoulders, which on my already kind of large shoulders look like I'm wearing giant shoulder pads.

[16:07] All right.

[16:07] Like fucking Max Headroms over here.

Elliott Kalan

[16:08] Yeah, I guess it would be that one.

[16:09] So that one, yeah.

[16:12] How would you handle public criticism of your private life by Vice President Dan Quayle?

[16:16] A, give a heartfelt speech defending yourself on your news magazine show FYI.

[16:21] B, defeat your foe with PG-level violence involving a lot of throwing things and knocking your enemy unconscious.

Stuart Wellington

[16:27] And like a little like a battle cry like la la la la la la la.

[16:31] Probably, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[16:32] Would like, you know, like just like getting real cranky on social media count as like violence?

Elliott Kalan

[16:38] No, that feels like heartfelt speech on your news magazine show more than violence.

[16:41] But it's not heartfelt.

Dan McCoy

[16:42] I wouldn't give him any.

Elliott Kalan

[16:44] Still, I think it's more talking on TV is closer to social media crankiness than an actual physical fight.

Dan McCoy

[16:51] Sure.

[16:52] But what I would say would be more in the way of like verbal violence than heartfelt.

[16:59] I mean, that's pretty PG.

Elliott Kalan

[17:00] Verbal violence is pretty PG unless you're using the F word more than once.

Dan McCoy

[17:03] I guess you're steering me towards heartfelt.

[17:06] No, I mean, it doesn't have to be.

Elliott Kalan

[17:08] It's possible.

[17:08] It's possible that what's actually happening is.

[17:11] Dan, you have to answer the question.

[17:12] You're the one taking this magazine quiz.

[17:13] It sounds like you want to say it's violence.

[17:15] So I'll give you violence.

[17:16] Yeah, yeah.

[17:16] Stuart, what about you?

[17:17] How would you handle your criticism by Vice President Dan Quayle?

Stuart Wellington

[17:20] You know, I would, I would, I feel like I would, I'd bring it right from the heart, you know?

Elliott Kalan

[17:25] Okay.

[17:25] I think so too.

[17:26] Keeping in mind that if you were to assault Vice President Dan Quayle, you would, you would go to jail.

[17:31] Here's my next question in this quiz.

[17:34] How would you handle an attack by your arch nemesis Callisto who has sworn vengeance against you for the actions you took in your previous life?

[17:40] A, give a heartfelt speech defending yourself on your news magazine show FYI.

[17:44] Or B, defeat your foe with PG level violence involving a lot of throwing things and knocking your enemy unconscious.

Dan McCoy

[17:49] Now here I would go the opposite direction.

[17:51] Really?

[17:52] Well, I'd be scared of Callisto.

[17:54] Oh, okay.

[17:55] I've seen what she can do.

[17:57] I'm not going to try and engage in hand-to-hand combat.

[17:59] I'm going to give a heartfelt speech.

Stuart Wellington

[18:01] Okay.

[18:01] What about you, Stuart?

[18:02] No, I'm going straight for the violence.

[18:04] Okay.

[18:04] Callisto knows what's happening.

Elliott Kalan

[18:06] All right.

[18:07] It'd be a lot of grappling.

[18:09] A lot of grappling and a lot of like, and then like kind of the grapple breaks.

[18:13] It'd be a flip.

[18:14] You both kind of thrown back.

Dan McCoy

[18:16] You'd bring in a stunt double to do a flip for you, but there'd be a flip.

[18:20] I bet I could do a flip.

Elliott Kalan

[18:21] I'll do it right now.

[18:23] I'm in Dublin.

[18:24] Put your money where your mouth is, dude.

[18:25] I could try it.

[18:26] Flip it up.

[18:27] And then you just hear a slam on the floor and just go, ah, ah.

[18:32] We go straight to the technical difficulties screen.

[18:36] Yeah.

[18:37] Here's the next question.

[18:38] Do you have a live-in artist who never seems to finish painting your house?

[18:42] A, yes, I am a rich TV personality and I'm happy to personally embody the media's capture

[18:46] of artistic impulse for its own greedy uses.

[18:49] B, no, I do not have a house.

[18:50] I am a wandering warrior princess.

[18:52] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[18:54] I mean, I don't, I mean, I live in an apartment.

[18:57] I don't have.

[18:58] Kind of like a wandering warrior princess.

Elliott Kalan

[19:00] I mean, Stuart, I think you do have a live-in artist because you're always painting those

[19:04] miniatures and you're never done, right?

[19:06] That's true.

[19:07] You are that live-in artist.

[19:08] I don't have an Eldon hanging ring.

[19:10] Yeah, Eldon was his name, right?

[19:11] Eldon, yeah.

[19:11] Eldon ring?

[19:12] Like the Eldon ring.

[19:13] Yeah.

[19:14] Oh, Eldon ring.

[19:16] I think that, you think that's a crossover, Murphy Brown and Eldon ring?

Stuart Wellington

[19:18] I think it was certainly inspired.

[19:19] I feel like Miyazaki was a huge Murphy Brown fan.

Dan McCoy

[19:22] I have avoided at all costs ever painting the walls on any apartments I've been in.

[19:29] So I have to go the other way.

[19:31] You have to go B.

Elliott Kalan

[19:32] So Stuart, are you going to say A, yes, or B, no?

Stuart Wellington

[19:35] You're right.

[19:35] I'm an A.

[19:36] I like to paint.

[19:38] And you're never done.

[19:39] And I'm a real patron to art.

Elliott Kalan

[19:42] And the thing is, you don't know, does A mean Murphy Brown or does A mean-

Stuart Wellington

[19:45] I like to give creators what they're for.

[19:47] Yeah, there's no way of knowing who this-

Elliott Kalan

[19:48] There's no way of knowing which of these answers goes to which of these personalities.

[19:51] There's no way of knowing with any of these questions whether it relates more to Murphy

[19:55] Brown or Xena, Warrior Princess.

[19:56] Here's the next question.

[19:58] Have you ever encountered Hercules?

[19:59] A, no, B, yes.

Dan McCoy

[20:01] I mean, in media form, I would say yes.

Elliott Kalan

[20:06] That certainly does not count.

[20:07] Okay, well then A.

[20:08] Yes.

[20:09] A, no.

[20:10] Stuart, have you ever encountered Hercules on any of his legendary journeys?

[20:14] I mean, statues in Vienna.

[20:16] I'm not going to call that.

[20:17] I'm going to say that's a no.

[20:18] So no.

[20:19] Yeah, I guess you're right.

[20:20] Again, we're not going to know until the end how these questions relate to being a Murphy

[20:24] Brown or a Xena.

[20:25] The next question, is your name Murphy Brown?

[20:27] A, yes.

[20:28] B, no, my name is Xena.

[20:30] Hmm.

Dan McCoy

[20:32] I don't feel like this one applies.

Elliott Kalan

[20:35] You got to choose one.

[20:36] Is your name Murphy Brown or is your name Xena?

Dan McCoy

[20:38] Let's see.

[20:38] Is my name closer to Murphy Brown?

[20:41] Yes.

[20:42] Or is it?

Elliott Kalan

[20:43] Dan is more like Xena.

[20:45] There's an A and an N in Xena.

[20:46] That's true, actually.

[20:46] A and an Dan.

[20:48] Yeah.

[20:49] But then McCoy is like Murphy.

[20:50] Murphy is more like McCoy, yeah.

[20:51] But McCoy is a last name and Murphy is a first name, the common female first name of Murphy.

Stuart Wellington

[20:56] Murphy Brown.

Elliott Kalan

[21:00] Nice shooting, son.

[21:01] What's your name?

[21:02] Murphy Brown.

[21:04] Watch my show.

Dan McCoy

[21:07] Yeah, I'm definitely more of a Murphy Brown.

[21:09] I guess I'm more of a Murphy Brown.

[21:10] I've got two names.

Elliott Kalan

[21:11] I'm not.

[21:13] I'm not a mononym.

[21:15] Next question, is your name Xena?

[21:17] A, no, my name is Murphy Brown.

[21:19] B, yes.

Dan McCoy

[21:22] I guess I have to go no.

[21:25] Just stay consistent.

[21:26] Your name is not.

[21:27] It seems like we're doubling up here.

[21:29] Wait, yes?

[21:30] For scoring purposes.

[21:30] Is my answer yes?

Elliott Kalan

[21:31] A is no and B is yes.

[21:33] Is your name Xena?

[21:35] A, no, my name is Murphy Brown.

[21:36] B, yes.

[21:40] A?

[21:42] Okay.

[21:44] I think, yeah, those were hard questions.

[21:46] Or should I say?

[21:46] I think you answered them honestly.

[21:47] A.

[21:48] A.

[21:49] No, that would be, are you the Fonz?

[21:50] Oh, yeah.

[21:50] That would be the third quiz.

[21:51] We'll see.

[21:52] That's the third option.

[21:53] Next question, are you a strong, independent woman?

[21:56] A, yes.

[21:56] B, yes.

[22:00] I'm going to say B.

[22:01] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[22:03] Yeah, I guess I'll say A just to differentiate it.

Elliott Kalan

[22:05] All right, just to be different.

[22:07] Next question, what is the name of your younger, blonde, female sidekick who comes from a rural,

[22:12] small-town background?

[22:13] A, Corky Sherwood.

[22:15] B, Gabrielle Bard of Petitee.

[22:20] So is it Corky or Gabrielle, the name of your younger, blonde, female sidekick?

[22:24] Does she have a real second name?

[22:27] No, she's just, that's the town she's from.

[22:29] It's Gabrielle.

[22:30] And she's a bard, yeah.

[22:31] Yeah.

[22:32] It's just Gabrielle.

Dan McCoy

[22:34] You know what?

[22:35] Due to my childhood love of Robin Hood, I'm going to say Corky Sherwood.

Elliott Kalan

[22:40] Okay, interesting.

[22:41] Not the way I expect you to go.

[22:42] Stuart, what's the name of your younger, blonde, female sidekick who comes from a rural, small-town background?

[22:46] Gabrielle.

[22:46] Gabrielle, okay.

[22:47] Next question, is there erotic fanfiction online about your relationship with your sidekick?

[22:53] A, no, but Elliot wasn't willing to spend that much time looking for it.

[22:56] B, yes, and it took Elliot almost no time to find it.

Dan McCoy

[23:00] I'm going to say B, yes.

[23:03] I'm assuming that there has been some sort of erotic fanfiction.

[23:07] Yeah, haven't we seen some?

Elliott Kalan

[23:09] I think that was written as a joke, but it still counts.

[23:12] It always starts as a fucking joke.

[23:14] It always starts as a joke.

[23:15] It's just like that old Onion article, ironic-born purchase masturbated to unironically.

[23:19] Yeah.

[23:20] So, Stuart, are you going to say B also?

[23:21] Yeah.

[23:22] Okay.

[23:23] And finally, the last question in this real quiz.

[23:27] Will anyone looking at Elliot's internet history think it was weird that he was searching for erotic lesbian fanfiction featuring you?

[23:33] A, maybe.

[23:34] B, probably not.

[23:36] Hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[23:37] Hmm.

[23:38] I'm going to say, you know, if there—

[23:42] It's more of a consideration of Elliot, so I'm going to say probably not.

[23:46] Yeah, this is the thing.

Dan McCoy

[23:47] Like, I'm going to say because anyone who has access to your computer probably knows your career, they're going to say probably not.

[23:55] Okay.

[23:56] That's fair.

Elliott Kalan

[23:57] All right.

[23:58] Let me just tally up your points.

[23:59] Just give yourself one point for every A.

[24:01] Subtract a point for every B.

[24:02] Let me do this real quick.

[24:03] Negative one, zero, one, zero, one, zero.

[24:06] One, two, three, four, five, four, three.

[24:12] Okay.

[24:13] And let's see.

[24:14] Negative one, zero, one, two, one, two, three, four, five, six, five, four, three, two, one.

[24:22] Okay.

[24:23] Guys, so according to my math, if it's correct, Dan, you got three points.

[24:27] Mm-hmm.

[24:28] And it says, Stuart, you got one point, and that means you are both Xena warrior princesses according to this.

[24:35] You're both Xenas.

Dan McCoy

[24:38] I'm so excited.

[24:39] Is that right?

[24:40] You really didn't want to be a Murphy Brown, huh?

[24:43] I found out, today I found out I'm a real princess, a Xena warrior princess.

Elliott Kalan

[24:48] You were this many days old when you learned you were a warrior princess according to that very real quiz that I found in a real issue of Cosmopolitan in 1996.

[24:56] I think you would look really good with bangs, Dan.

[24:59] I don't think that's –

[25:00] No, I think we should do it today.

Dan McCoy

[25:01] Do it.

[25:02] Dan, do it today.

[25:02] I have a widow's peak.

[25:04] I think that would really mess up.

[25:05] I think it would not look good.

Elliott Kalan

[25:07] I feel like there's – we should try it.

[25:10] Try it.

[25:10] Come on.

[25:11] Let's do it.

[25:12] Let's take a quick break, and then we'll go on to quiz number three.

S4

[25:21] Hi, I'm Andrew Reich, and I host Dead Pilot Society, and I am here with MaxFun member of the month, Jacob Eads.

[25:28] Thank you so much for being a listener of our show, and congratulations on being this month's member of the month.

[25:33] Pleasure to meet you.

[25:35] What made you take the leap to become an actual member of Maximum Fun?

[25:40] I'm spending all this time listening and enjoying them for content because it's not like just supporting one podcast either.

[25:48] It's supporting a whole network of people, so I feel like the dollar really goes a long way.

[25:53] Can't tell you how much we appreciate it.

[25:54] And as our member of the month, you will be getting a $25 gift card to the Maximum Fun store, a special member of the month bumper sticker.

[26:05] You can take that car with that bumper sticker and drive it to the parking spot at MaxFun headquarters in Los Angeles, which will be there just for you.

[26:15] I might have to get one of my friends to bring like a cardboard cutout of me who lives in Los Angeles just to show that I was there.

Elliott Kalan

[26:23] Support the shows you love, including this one.

[26:25] Check the show notes for a link or go to MaximumFun.org slash join.

S5

[26:30] Hey, MaxFun listeners, it's me, Jackie Cation.

[26:33] I have a podcast with Lori Kilmartin.

[26:34] Say hi, Lori.

[26:35] Hi, Jacqueline.

[26:36] Hi, MaxFun listeners.

[26:39] But I'm very formal.

[26:40] We have a podcast and it's about stand-up comedy and how much we love it and how much we dislike some of it.

[26:47] So listen to that podcast.

[26:48] It's called The Jackie and Lori Show.

[26:50] We drop new episodes every Wednesday that gives us plenty of time to decompress from our comedy weekends and discuss things with sane level heads.

[26:59] No, it doesn't.

[27:01] If you are a woman our age or a man our age or, you know what, any person of any age, I think you'll enjoy our podcast.

[27:09] Jackie and Lori Show on MaximumFun.org.

[27:11] Bye.

Elliott Kalan

[27:15] The Flophouse is brought to you by Squarespace.

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[28:24] Don't go buy a can of elbow grease to get Squarespace right now.

Dan McCoy

[28:28] Unless your elbow needs to – it's been sticking lately.

Elliott Kalan

[28:31] Unless you're the tin man and you've got a rusty elbow.

[28:33] Yeah.

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Dan McCoy

[28:51] Our podcast is also sponsored in part by Ethos.

[28:55] As you may have noticed from my increasingly cranky attitude and yelling at clouds on the podcast, I'm getting older.

[29:04] We all are.

[29:05] But, you know, I'm one step closer to death with every day.

[29:09] And it could happen at any time.

[29:12] The icy hand of death might be on my shoulder right now.

[29:15] Point is, you know, with every year, I think more and more about like, hey, I should do something about, you know, how my loved ones continue after I'm gone.

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[30:25] What's that?

Stuart Wellington

[30:27] Is that the sound of a modem going off?

[30:30] That's because the Flophouse is on the internet.

[30:33] Not just as a podcast, but as Flop TV.

[30:36] That's right.

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[30:56] Now, if you're not familiar with Flop TV, that is our one-hour kind of love letter to cable access television,

[31:03] where we do a kind of a version of the podcast that also has plenty of little video stuff.

[31:09] Feasts for the eyes, I've heard it called.

[31:14] And it's so much fun.

[31:15] It's one of my favorite things we get to do here at the podcast,

[31:20] is getting to make little videos to delight my co-hosts.

[31:24] And it is, if you haven't had a chance to come to one of our live shows,

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[32:04] So go to theflophouse.simpleticks.com to get your tickets or season pass today.

Elliott Kalan

[32:10] Well, we've had a lot of fun today looking at real magazine quizzes

[32:14] about real television shows.

[32:16] And I think I've got one more for you guys,

[32:19] and I'm wondering how this is going to work for you.

[32:21] Now, this next one is about the TV show Touched by an Angel.

[32:24] Did you guys ever, I should have been asking you all this time,

[32:25] did you guys watch these shows?

[32:27] So before we do that, let's make it seem like I know what I'm doing.

[32:29] Did you guys ever watch ALF?

[32:30] Let's start with that.

Dan McCoy

[32:31] I watched ALF pretty regularly, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[32:35] Yeah, as much as I could.

[32:37] I watched it pretty religiously.

[32:38] I loved that show when I was a kid.

[32:40] ALF was a real idol for me, a real career to aspire to.

[32:44] What about Murphy Brown and Xena Warrior Princess?

[32:47] Were those shows that you watched?

Stuart Wellington

[32:48] I think of the three shows, the one I watched the most was Murphy Brown.

Dan McCoy

[32:51] Yeah, my family watched Murphy Brown together regularly.

[32:56] So that they could explain things to you?

[32:58] Mm-hmm.

[32:59] But I did, I watched a lot of Xena.

[33:01] I did not, because it was in syndication, you know,

[33:03] like I didn't catch all of it.

[33:04] I didn't, you know, all of the continuing stories,

[33:08] but I watched a lot of episodes.

[33:09] There was no way to,

Elliott Kalan

[33:10] there was no, there were no kinds of guides to what was on TV at the time.

Dan McCoy

[33:13] Well, I saw a lot of Xena episodes,

[33:16] but I did not watch it as regularly, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[33:18] So I watched Murphy Brown regularly.

[33:19] I don't know that I've ever seen a full episode of Xena Warrior Princess.

[33:22] Yeah.

[33:23] I found the, I think the, I think when I was that age,

[33:27] I wanted the stuff I was watching to either be funny or serious.

[33:30] And there was something about that.

[33:31] It was not sexy.

[33:33] It wasn't, I think even back then I had, I wanted more skin, Dan.

[33:37] I just wanted, I wanted to see more.

Dan McCoy

[33:39] Occasionally there was, it got kind of racy on Xena.

Elliott Kalan

[33:43] Really?

[33:43] How so?

[33:44] Describe.

Dan McCoy

[33:46] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[33:46] Close your eyes, Elliot.

[33:48] Okay.

[33:48] Paint me a word picture.

Dan McCoy

[33:49] They like, the two of them like did like a nude hot tub together.

[33:53] I mean, not, not, you didn't see any.

[33:55] But you're talking about how was the imagination.

[33:58] The largest or watching is.

[33:59] You know, it's the sexiest thing.

[34:00] Yeah.

[34:00] The imagination.

Elliott Kalan

[34:01] That's fairly sexy.

[34:02] Okay.

[34:02] So you're saying that should have been called Triple Xena Warrior Princess.

[34:05] There must be something.

[34:06] There's gotta be.

[34:07] There's gotta be.

[34:08] Gotta be.

[34:09] But yeah, we watched a lot of Murphy Brown when I was a kid.

[34:11] And I remember as a kid, I'm like, this is sophisticated grownup television.

[34:14] Like this is, this is about real issues.

[34:16] And I wonder if I watch it now, if I'd be like, this is what, this is a goofy show.

[34:21] This must be like, there's no way that it holds up as being as kind of serious as I imagined

[34:25] it being.

[34:26] But I never found it that funny.

[34:28] I think.

[34:29] No.

[34:29] It was.

[34:30] It was a sitcom, you know.

[34:32] But certainly I was well aware of it enough that on Seinfeld, when Kramer became her secretary

[34:37] in an episode, I was like, I know that show.

[34:39] I get this stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[34:41] I mean, I feel like with a lot of those shows, I think I just enjoyed hearing the laugh tracks

[34:46] so I could hear people enjoying themselves.

[34:48] And I'm like, it's gotta be funny.

Elliott Kalan

[34:50] As long as they're having a good time.

[34:51] That's the important thing.

[34:53] I don't need to be having a good time.

[34:55] I didn't realize it was a recorded audience.

[34:57] Yeah.

[34:58] They said film before a live studio audience.

[35:01] You didn't realize that they were lying.

[35:02] They sweetened it.

[35:03] I'm sure they had a live studio audience.

[35:05] Oh, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[35:05] They had to juice them up.

[35:07] So they like looped a bunch of those laughs over and over like it's a fucking Def Leppard

[35:11] chorus.

Elliott Kalan

[35:12] Exactly.

[35:13] Well, there was one laugh you'd hear sometimes where a guy went, ha ha, of some of these.

[35:19] And it'd be like, oh, that guy was at the show that day, huh?

[35:21] You know?

[35:22] I think they got really annoyed when people had two distinctive laughs because you could

[35:27] pick them out.

[35:28] But anyway, quiz number three is about the show Touched by an Angel.

[35:31] Did you guys ever watch the show Touched by an Angel?

Dan McCoy

[35:33] Between a single episode of Touched by an Angel.

Elliott Kalan

[35:37] I'm not really familiar with the show.

[35:39] It was not something that appealed to me at the time and still doesn't quite.

[35:42] And it's one of those things where I'm like, and there have been numerous, like Highway

[35:45] to Heaven is something like this, right?

[35:47] Where it's like, I'm like, how could they do a whole show, a whole series where it's

[35:52] just a different person getting help from an angel?

[35:55] But it's not that different from the Hulk TV show.

[35:57] Yeah.

[35:58] Or Have Gun Bill Travel or Fugitive, any of those shows.

[36:01] Yeah.

[36:01] Any Western.

[36:02] Poker Face.

[36:03] Poker Face.

[36:04] Exactly.

[36:04] Poker Face is basically just touched by an angel where the angel is Charlie, the Poker

[36:08] Face.

[36:11] Charlie's Angel.

[36:12] Wait a minute.

[36:13] It all makes sense now.

[36:14] Charlie is Angel.

[36:15] We finally finished watching the second season of Poker Face and I was like, wow, this show

[36:19] got zany in those last couple episodes.

[36:22] Yeah, goofy.

[36:23] It really got goofy.

[36:23] Hey, you know what?

[36:24] I'll allow it.

[36:25] Yeah.

[36:26] They earned it.

[36:27] They earned it.

[36:27] I'm the judge on this one.

[36:28] But let's see if you'll earn the classification of having been touched by an angel in this

[36:32] quiz, which is called, it's from Teen Vogue.

[36:34] This is actually from this year, March 2026.

[36:36] Oh, interesting.

[36:37] Yeah.

[36:37] This is a real one.

[36:38] It says, and the name of it is, have I been touched by an angel?

[36:41] Okay.

[36:42] Okay.

[36:42] So this is how you find out.

[36:44] Question number one, has Roma Downey touched you?

[36:47] A, yes, B, no.

[36:49] Not to my knowledge.

[36:51] Okay.

[36:52] So that's a no for both of you.

[36:53] Question number two, did she touch you at a time when you did not wish to be touched?

[36:57] A, yes, B, no.

[36:58] Well, again, no, because I wasn't touched at all.

[37:00] I don't think so.

[37:02] Question number three, when Roma Downey touched you, did she say she was an angel and not just

[37:05] an actress who played an angel on television?

[37:08] A, yes, B, no.

[37:10] I think I must say B still.

[37:12] Okay.

[37:12] B again.

[37:14] Okay.

[37:14] Next question.

[37:15] Very consistent.

[37:16] Very next question.

Dan McCoy

[37:17] When the angel, this is in quotes, touched you, did she threaten you with harm if you told

Elliott Kalan

[37:21] anyone about this angel touching incident?

[37:23] A, yes, or B, no?

[37:25] No.

[37:26] No?

[37:26] Okay.

[37:27] Yeah, I think I'm going to stick with no on this one.

[37:29] Okay.

[37:29] That's good.

[37:30] Question number five, when Roma Downey touched you, did she claim it was on the orders of

[37:34] Della Reese as if she was still hearing Della Reese's voice in her head, despite that acclaimed

[37:38] actress and singer having died in 2017?

[37:41] A, yes, or B, no?

Dan McCoy

[37:43] I've got to stick with no on this.

[37:45] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[37:45] No.

[37:45] The more complicated the question doesn't make it easier to say yes.

[37:49] Okay.

[37:50] More information isn't better.

Elliott Kalan

[37:53] This next one is fairly simple.

[37:54] Question number six, is Roma Downey still in the room with you?

[37:57] A, blink once for yes.

[37:58] B, blink twice for no.

[38:00] I mean, we'd have to check, Dan.

[38:02] Okay.

[38:02] Dan is blinking twice.

[38:03] That's a no.

[38:04] And Stuart, okay, also a no.

[38:06] Okay, great.

[38:07] Question number seven, if you answered B to the last question, was it merely because you

[38:12] were afraid to answer honestly, perhaps because Roma Downey is currently holding her signature

[38:16] weapon, a Phillips head screwdriver to which she's attached two rusty nails that she calls her

[38:20] angel wand.

[38:22] A, yes, please hurry.

[38:24] I'm scared.

[38:25] Roma Downey is pointing the angel wand at me while raiding my kitchen pantry for anything

[38:28] with caramel or molasses in it because she says it will give her hyper heaven powers that

[38:33] will block the nightmares Della Reese telepathically sends her for the next few hours.

[38:37] B, no, I am not currently being endangered by Roma Downey.

[38:42] I think it's still B.

[38:43] It's still B.

[38:45] All right.

[38:46] So look at, that's the last question in the quiz.

[38:48] Oh, thank God.

[38:49] So looking at answers, very consistent.

[38:50] Consistent B is all the way through.

[38:52] And it says here, if you answered A, local police will soon arrive at your destination to

[38:57] capture the dangerous fugitive known as Roma Downey.

[38:59] If you answered B to these questions, then please remember that if you see Roma Downey,

[39:03] you are not to engage her, but to contact the authorities immediately.

[39:08] So that was a real quiz from a real magazine.

[39:10] Troubling.

[39:10] From this year.

[39:11] From this year.

[39:12] So I don't know what Roma Downey's been up to.

[39:14] If you're perturbed by it all, I guess you can't blame Elliot because it's a real quiz.

[39:18] No, it's real.

[39:19] This is from real.

[39:20] These are all real quizzes from real magazines.

[39:22] That was really in teen vogue in March of 2026, this very year.

Stuart Wellington

[39:27] I think Dan's going to have to like cool down after that one.

Elliott Kalan

[39:31] I mean, certainly I think he's worried.

[39:33] He's upset and anxious.

[39:34] I can see.

[39:36] So just going back on what we, thank you so much for taking this little trip to these real

[39:40] magazine quizzes.

[39:41] Just going back to what we learned, you guys are both Willys.

Stuart Wellington

[39:44] Were you in like a, were you in like a, like a dentist waiting room or some shit?

[39:48] Like a vintage store?

Elliott Kalan

[39:49] I was in, I was in a vintage magazine store and I started looking at the magazines and I

[39:53] said, Hey, remember magazine quizzes?

[39:55] Let me take some of these and I was like, Oh, the guys are going to want to see these.

Stuart Wellington

[39:57] Well, they walked in and they're like, Oh, Elliot, all the vintage pornos you usually

[40:00] look at.

[40:00] And you're like, no, no, no.

[40:01] I want something different this time.

Elliott Kalan

[40:03] That reminds me of a former coworker of mine once talked about when they were a teenager

[40:08] trying to buy vintage Playboys at a, at a magazine shop.

[40:11] And when they, person at the register told them they couldn't buy them, their excuse was,

[40:15] no, no, but I'm a collector.

[40:19] But anyway, the, the.

Stuart Wellington

[40:21] I mean, you gotta, you gotta give it credit.

Elliott Kalan

[40:24] Yeah.

[40:24] But yeah, they didn't, they didn't have the vintage muscle man magazines that I, that I

[40:28] collect, you know.

[40:29] Yeah.

[40:29] So what we learned today is you guys are Willys.

[40:33] You are not ALF males, but you are in fact Willys, which have their place in society,

[40:36] even if they're looked down upon.

Dan McCoy

[40:38] I think that they're more valuable overall.

[40:40] Structure of society.

Elliott Kalan

[40:42] I mean, how many, how many ALFs do you need to make a, to screw in a light bulb?

[40:46] I don't know.

[40:47] He's probably going to eat it.

[40:48] Yeah.

[40:48] But will he just need one to do it?

[40:50] But you are both also Xena warrior princesses who are not Murphy Browns.

[40:53] Wonderful.

[40:54] Or Murphy's Brown is the, is the actual plural.

[40:58] And you are not currently being endangered by Roma Downey, who we've learned from this quiz

[41:03] is someone to watch out for and keep your distance from.

[41:07] Yeah.

[41:07] So these are the things we've learned.

[41:09] I hope you at home have also taken these quizzes.

[41:11] File us under educational.

[41:13] Yes, exactly.

[41:13] This is maybe the most educational episode of the Flophouse we've ever had.

[41:16] Please write in, let us know, are you an ALF male?

[41:19] Are you a Murphy Brown or a Xena warrior princess?

[41:21] And if you are currently being endangered by Roma Downey, please get yourself to safety immediately.

[41:26] Do not take a moment to email us and do that from a safe place.

[41:31] Thank you so much for joining us on this mini that has not been a waste of time at all and

[41:35] was entirely correct and educational.

[41:37] I am, of course, Elliot Kalin.

[41:39] I've been joined by my co-hosts, Dan McCoy and Stuart Wellington.

[41:44] You can find us on the Maximum Fun Network.

[41:46] In fact, that's where we are right now.

[41:48] Go to MaximumFun.org to join and become a member of the network or find other great shows

[41:53] like this one that I think you're going to enjoy a lot.

[41:56] There's a lot of funny stuff on there.

[41:57] Comedy and culture.

[41:58] Artists owned.

[42:00] Listener supported.

[42:01] Listener supported.

[42:02] I was like, you funded?

[42:03] I couldn't remember what the rest of it was.

[42:04] You funded.

[42:07] The Flophouse is, of course, doing Flop TV.

[42:09] Go to theflophouse.simpleticks.com to get tickets for that.

[42:13] And hey, if you liked this episode, and I don't know why you wouldn't, it was a hugely positive

[42:18] and practical use of your time, then please give us a five-star review on the podcast app

[42:24] of your choice.

[42:25] Help us get the word out about this podcast.

[42:27] We're a new fledgling podcast, and we hope we can keep it going, and we need your support

[42:31] to do that.

[42:33] We'll be back next week with another full movie episode of The Flophouse.

[42:36] Until then, enjoy magazines, enjoy television, and please, please stay away from Roma Downey.

[42:45] Thank you.

[42:48] I'm wondering how far I can go before it becomes slander.

FH Mini #161 - Magazine Quizzes

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