FH Mini 30 - The Sleuth About Cats and Dogs

[0:00] Hey everybody, and welcome to another Flophouse Mini.

Elliott Kalan

[0:07] That's when we, the guys at the Flophouse Podcast, take a break from talking about a

[0:11] bad movie we just saw to talk about, you know, whatever.

[0:15] I don't know, something that'll fill the time you desperately need to fill between

[0:18] birth and death when audio will no longer be one of your worries anymore.

[0:23] I'm Elliot Kalin, and with me are my co-hosts...

[0:26] Dan McCoy.

[0:28] And over here, it's Stuart Willington, no jokes.

Dan McCoy

[0:31] This has gotten grim right off the bat.

[0:33] Like, what?

Elliott Kalan

[0:34] And it's only gonna get less grim from there.

[0:37] Because guys, I've got some exciting news to talk about.

[0:40] Another thing that you can use to fill the space between birth and death, as we all must.

[0:45] Trying to find ways to just, you know, just fill this time until we finally get to return

[0:51] back to the world soul.

[0:52] Anyway, this episode is gonna be released on Saturday, the 29th of May.

[0:56] And that means, if you're listening to it on the day of release, there's only two days

[1:00] until Monday, May 31st, and the premiere of Housebroken, the new Fox animated comedy that

[1:05] I worked on all through 2020.

[1:08] It's a really funny show.

[1:09] I really enjoyed working on it, and I think it's gonna come out great.

[1:12] It's the story of Honey, a poodle who runs a support group for neurotic pets.

[1:17] That's neurotic, as in psychological, you know, not erotic pets.

[1:22] I'm out!

[1:23] No, Dan, there's a...

[1:24] I will tell you, in case you ever wanted to watch a show with a horny elderly turtle,

[1:28] this is the show for you.

[1:29] I do beckon.

[1:30] Wait.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31] Does neurotic mean that they have, they upload information into hard drives that are built

[1:37] into their brains?

Elliott Kalan

[1:38] No, they both have the root word neuro relating to the brain.

[1:42] But no, you're thinking more of a Johnny Petnomic, which would be the story of a pet who can

[1:47] carry data in his brain in a dystopian future.

[1:51] Where everything's kind of grimy, and there's like rebels.

[1:54] And it's Dolph Lundrigan, right?

[1:55] Who's like some kind of cyborg priest that they send after him?

[1:58] He is a cyborg priest.

[1:59] Yeah, he's a killer priest.

[2:00] Anyway, there's no cyborg priests in House Broken.

[2:02] There is an episode with a cyborg moment, though.

[2:04] But anyway, let me finish, Dan.

[2:06] Okay.

[2:07] It's got an amazing cast.

[2:08] Lisa Kudrow.

Stuart Wellington

[2:09] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

[2:10] Dan, was this a question about Johnny Mnemonic?

Elliott Kalan

[2:12] Yeah, it was.

[2:13] Wait, hold it.

[2:14] Please let me finish the cast, and then we'll talk about Johnny Mnemonic.

[2:16] Because there's a dolphin in it.

[2:18] That's a pet.

[2:19] There's a dolphin.

[2:21] That dolphin is a colleague and a co-worker.

[2:23] He works with Henry Rollins as part of the resistance.

[2:26] I don't remember what they're resisting to, but it's something.

[2:29] Anyway.

[2:29] Takeshi Katano.

[2:30] Yeah, Takeshi Katano.

[2:31] But what does he represent?

[2:32] I guess, you know, there's worse worlds than ones where you got to,

[2:35] where it's run by Takeshi Beat Katano.

[2:37] Anyway, or Beat Takeshi, I guess you call him.

[2:39] So it's got an amazing cast.

[2:40] Lisa Kudrow.

[2:41] Will Forte.

[2:42] Academy Award winner Nat Faxon.

[2:44] Sam Richardson.

[2:45] Cleo Duvall.

[2:46] Sharon Horgan.

[2:47] Tony Hale.

[2:47] And, of course, Flophouse rival Jason Manzoukas.

[2:50] is also on the show.

[2:53] I've really enjoyed working on it.

[2:54] I would love Flophouse listeners to give it a try so that it gets good ratings

[2:57] and I can work on more seasons of it.

[2:59] So that's House Broken this May 31st.

[3:02] And then every Monday after that until they run out of episodes on the Fox channel.

[3:07] Check your local listings for the number of the channel.

[3:09] So I figured, okay, I'm promoting a show about pets.

[3:13] What better way to promote a show about pets than to do a Flophouse mini about the subject of pets?

[3:18] Now, Dan and Sue, you both have various combinations of cats.

[3:22] Meanwhile, at my house, I have a fish, a bag of worms, and two children.

[3:26] So we all have pets.

[3:29] And I was just wondering, are these the right pets for you guys?

[3:33] What if you could choose from all the pets of film and fictional culture?

[3:38] Well, we're going to find out because I'm going to match you up with the correct fictional pets

[3:42] based on your answers to this original Quizlet.

[3:45] House Broken presents What Fictional Pet is Right for You?

[3:49] Brought to you by House Broken, Monday nights on Fox.

[3:51] Wow.

[3:52] Guys, how do you feel?

Dan McCoy

[3:54] You know, when you said, do you mind if we do this?

[3:57] Like, I didn't realize that there's such a branded piece of content.

Elliott Kalan

[4:01] We're all about branded content and branded segments on the Flophouse now.

[4:04] Okay, well, that's fine.

[4:05] So before we start the quiz, I just want to ask you guys,

[4:07] do you feel happy with your current pet situation?

[4:11] Is it possible that you are looking for a different pet situation to enter into?

Dan McCoy

[4:16] I mean, I wouldn't want to get rid of either of our pets by any means.

[4:21] We love them both dearly.

Stuart Wellington

[4:23] You said you wouldn't want to get rid by either of your pets?

[4:25] Like, they put on glasses and then talk shit about you?

Elliott Kalan

[4:27] Yeah, you wouldn't want them to read your palms like they're psychic pets?

[4:30] That sounds amazing.

Dan McCoy

[4:31] I want them to shake my hand and tell me that the ice is going to break.

[4:37] Well, actually, I would want them to do that.

[4:39] Could we get a psychic pet in there?

[4:40] Is that one of the options?

Elliott Kalan

[4:41] Like a dead zone pet?

[4:43] I mean, we'll find out.

[4:44] I don't remember seeing any movies with psychic pets.

[4:46] This is going to be based on pre-existing fictional IP.

Stuart Wellington

[4:49] What about that dog in Guardians of the Galaxy comic book?

Elliott Kalan

[4:55] Cosmo?

[4:55] I mean, he's telepathic.

[4:57] I don't know if he's psychic.

[4:58] He can't see the future.

[5:00] True.

[5:01] There's a distinction.

[5:02] Yes.

[5:03] So, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[5:03] I love my pets as they are, but, you know, I'm open to anything.

[5:07] You know, life is a process of learning, you know?

[5:11] That's true.

Stuart Wellington

[5:12] I guess you wouldn't call Professor X a psychic, because if he was psychic, like,

[5:16] he would...

[5:17] The X-Men get into so much trouble, you would think you would get him out of that, right?

[5:20] Exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[5:20] You'd think he would, like, see it ahead of time.

[5:22] Yet there's only one psychic I can think of in the X-Men mythos.

[5:25] That's Destiny.

[5:27] Mystique's former lover and a fellow member of Freedom Force and a Brotherhood of Young Mutants.

[5:31] And yet...

[5:31] She wears a mask.

[5:32] She wears a mask to hide the fact that she is an elderly lady and that Mystique and her

[5:36] seem to be an age mismatch, even though it's really that Mystique can control the way she

[5:40] looks.

[5:41] So, she's just as old as Destiny, maybe older.

[5:43] And so...

[5:44] And sometimes Destiny will turn on the radio.

[5:46] But anyway, Dan, so that's your feelings.

[5:49] Stuart, how do you feel about pets?

Stuart Wellington

[5:51] Well, I mean, I feel like I always want to keep my options open, you know?

[5:59] You're like...

[5:59] I don't want to be tied down.

[6:00] Wait, let me double check.

[6:01] One foot out the door.

[6:02] So, there's that...

[6:03] See, I don't see Muscles and Meatball watching right now.

Elliott Kalan

[6:05] So, to put that in terms that Gen Z will understand, you know that meme where the guy is with a

[6:10] woman and he is checking out another woman who's walking by and the woman he's with is like,

[6:13] what?

[6:14] So, the guy is labeled Stuart and the woman he's with is labeled Stuart's cats.

[6:18] And then the other woman that's walking by and he's checking out is labeled other pets.

Stuart Wellington

[6:23] Yep.

[6:23] Yeah.

[6:23] The woman in the red dress is other possible pets.

Elliott Kalan

[6:26] Yeah.

[6:26] Yeah, exactly.

[6:28] So, guys, let's start these questions.

[6:30] Okay.

[6:31] There are four rounds of questions.

[6:34] And in the middle, we have an ad break.

[6:36] But we'll start with the first round, dog questions.

[6:39] Now, these are questions.

[6:40] These are multiple choice questions.

[6:41] If you choose to go off of the multiple choices, that's okay.

[6:44] I want you to use your real thinking so that I can figure out what pets are right for you

[6:49] based on how you respond to specific pet situations.

[6:53] So, this round is dog questions.

[6:55] Question one.

[6:56] You're a basketball referee.

[6:58] Suddenly, one of the opposing teams brings a dog onto the court to play.

[7:02] Do you say, A, no barking way.

[7:05] Send that dog back to the showers.

[7:07] Only humans play human sports.

[7:09] B, yes, barking way.

[7:11] Allow the dog to play.

[7:12] After all, there's nothing against it in the rule book.

[7:14] Or C, what the bark?

[7:16] You pull out your flask, say never again, and then toss it over your shoulder.

[7:20] So, how do you guys feel?

[7:21] What do you do in that situation?

[7:22] Oh, wow.

Stuart Wellington

[7:24] Oh, man.

[7:25] Can I – and this is a – is this a situation where I can put my finger in the page and read

[7:30] the possible futures and then go back if I don't like them?

[7:32] Well, it's not a choose-your-own-adventure book.

Elliott Kalan

[7:34] It's a quiz.

Stuart Wellington

[7:37] Remember, there's no –

[7:38] When I was in school, I tried that.

[7:41] They let me do it.

Elliott Kalan

[7:42] Well, I don't know what – I mean, but that's because you went to choose your own grade school.

[7:46] So, now, again, there's no wrong answers.

[7:49] This is just to help me pinpoint what is the best fictional pet situation for you.

Dan McCoy

[7:54] Yeah.

[7:54] So, here's – I can only assume that –

[7:57] Oh, wait.

Dan McCoy

[7:57] I should have mentioned.

Elliott Kalan

[7:57] Actually, I should have asked.

[7:58] Are either of you – do either of you already have fictional pets?

[8:00] Are either your pets fictional?

[8:01] Or are they real animals?

Dan McCoy

[8:04] I mean, they've been peeing all over the place lately.

[8:07] So, I think they're real.

[8:08] I assume that they're real.

Elliott Kalan

[8:10] If it pees, it must be real unless it's a fictional character that pees like one of the

[8:13] bad guys in RoboCop right before they shoot RoboCop's arms off.

[8:17] Anyway, don't they walk in on one of them and he's peeing?

Stuart Wellington

[8:19] I think probably.

[8:21] Okay.

[8:22] That's why he shoots that other guy's dick off, right?

[8:24] Exactly, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[8:25] And that's why the original slogan was just that guy in the poster and said, he really

[8:28] puts the P in RoboCop.

[8:31] Oh, yeah.

[8:31] And there are quotes around the P in the in RoboCop.

[8:33] So, Dan, you're saying, okay, it's the basketball referee situation.

[8:35] Paul Verhoeven fought hard for that poster, right?

[8:37] Yeah.

[8:37] But they shut him down?

[8:38] It was one of many Paul Verhoeven's losing battles.

[8:41] He also wanted RoboCop to have a realistic urinary tract that he would have to unload.

[8:45] And there were a lot of scenes that were shot.

[8:48] You can find them on the Criterion LaserDisc where it's the same scene but it ends

[8:52] with RoboCop saying, good, because now I really got to pee.

[8:56] So, Dan, you're a referee.

[8:58] It's a basketball game.

[8:59] We've got a lot of these questions.

[9:00] Let's not take so much time answering, please.

Dan McCoy

[9:02] I don't think I've been the one talking.

[9:05] Here, so my thinking is this.

[9:09] I would not know the rules to basketball, right?

[9:14] So, I am a poor choice for a basketball referee.

Elliott Kalan

[9:19] So, you're choosing D, none of the above.

[9:22] I would not be in this situation.

Dan McCoy

[9:24] Look, I know they're all hypotheticals.

Elliott Kalan

[9:26] D, I refuse to buy into the premise of the question.

Dan McCoy

[9:28] Hold on.

[9:30] I know they're all hypotheticals.

[9:31] But if we're trying to get closest to, you know, what's right for me, I have to play the

[9:37] game as if I am involved in these hypotheticals.

[9:40] So, what I'm saying is, if I'm in this situation, I'm probably trying to hide out in the guise

[9:47] of a referee.

[9:49] You know, there's been some sort of shenanigans where I have to pretend to be a referee.

[9:53] You're on the run from something.

[9:55] Yeah, number one, I would be very beholden to the rule book in that situation, since I

[10:01] have no idea what the real rules are, you know, just from my life.

Stuart Wellington

[10:06] Yeah, maybe you knocked out the original referee, put on the referee's clothes, and you're using

[10:10] that as an opportunity to get close to a potential target.

[10:13] Exactly.

[10:14] Maybe it's the dog.

[10:15] Maybe it's another player.

[10:16] Who knows?

Dan McCoy

[10:17] Exactly.

[10:18] And also, I feel like in this situation, I would be interested in creating as much chaos

[10:23] as possible so I could, you know, facilitate my escape.

[10:26] So, I'm going to let that dog play.

Elliott Kalan

[10:28] You're going to let that?

[10:28] Okay, so, B, yes, barking way.

[10:31] Okay, Stuart, what about you?

[10:32] Would you let the dog play or no?

Stuart Wellington

[10:33] I mean, I would scramble to get my cell phone out of my back pocket.

[10:38] I'd be like, holy shit, look at that good boy.

[10:40] Good boy alert, everybody.

[10:42] And then I'd run over and take a picture, and then I'd start petting it, and then let it

[10:45] lick my face.

[10:47] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[10:47] Again, it doesn't answer the question, but it's an accurate description of what you would

[10:50] do in this situation.

[10:51] Okay, so let's move on to the next question.

[10:53] A mean old lady wants to make a coat out of your pet dogs.

[10:59] Nobody wears my pets.

[11:01] Not even Emma Stone, who grows up to be Glenn Close.

[11:05] I could easily lose two or three dozen puppies and not notice it.

[11:10] Who's she going to sell a Dalmatian coat to?

[11:13] So, what do you do?

[11:15] Pop quiz, hotshot.

[11:17] Except it's not a pop quiz.

[11:18] I announced it.

[11:18] You knew I was doing a quiz ahead of time.

[11:20] What are you going to do?

Dan McCoy

[11:21] I mean, I think in spirit, I'm obviously closest to the first one because it would be very upsetting

[11:27] to me the idea that she wanted to take my puppies.

[11:32] But I think that maybe emphasizing to her that it's a bad business model could be the most

[11:40] effective thing.

[11:41] Since she is evil, I think that an appeal to cold monetary facts might be best.

Stuart Wellington

[11:51] Now, it's possible she wants this coat for personal use.

Dan McCoy

[11:53] No, that's true.

[11:54] Actually, as I'm saying it, I think she does want it for personal use.

Stuart Wellington

[11:58] Yeah, she's been totally jokified at this point, right?

[12:00] She has been totally.

Elliott Kalan

[12:01] That's what the doctor said.

[12:02] Logic doesn't matter.

[12:04] I got to go with A.

[12:05] I got to go with A.

[12:06] Okay, no barking way.

[12:07] Stuart, you going to give up these dogs?

[12:08] Yeah, there's no barking way.

[12:10] Okay, I figured neither of you would give up those dogs.

[12:12] Come on, why would you?

[12:13] So, okay, let's move on to the next question.

[12:15] Number three.

[12:16] You find, again, we're still in the dogs round.

[12:18] You find out that at night your dog turns into a district attorney.

[12:24] No pet of mine will be taking part in a justice system riddled with institutional racism.

[12:30] I admire that my dog has the drive to not only get a law degree, but also run for elected

[12:34] office.

[12:36] How is my dog more successful than I am?

[12:39] How do you guys feel in that situation?

Stuart Wellington

[12:41] I mean, I'm not surprised that my dog would be more successful than I am because I'm kind

[12:47] of duh.

[12:49] And lazy.

Elliott Kalan

[12:50] I think it's more the drive that gets the dog there.

[12:53] Yeah, I mean, the dog's not that smart, but, you know, he's got the stick-to-itiveness.

[12:57] That's true.

[12:57] Thank you, Owen.

[12:58] That makes me feel better.

[12:59] There's got to be a movie called Law School Dog, where a dog, like, tries to get, the dean

[13:03] is like, hmm, this dog is never going to graduate from law school, but he really works his

[13:08] way through.

[13:09] Yeah.

[13:10] The newspaper chase, because he's chasing, oh, no, the paperboy chase.

[13:13] That's what we call the paperboy chase.

Stuart Wellington

[13:15] Because he's chasing the paperboy.

[13:16] That's, man, that's a fucking reach, buddy.

[13:19] All right.

[13:19] Okay.

[13:20] Fair.

[13:21] I think that...

Elliott Kalan

[13:21] I guess I'll call up Legendary and tell them I'm canceling the pitch meeting tomorrow.

Stuart Wellington

[13:26] I'm going to order off...

[13:27] Legendary would be a great name for the movie, by the way.

Dan McCoy

[13:32] I'm going to order off menu, and I'm going to say that, like, I feel like a dog with a law

[13:39] degree would be a lot more useful as sort of a...

[13:44] I mean, not useful.

[13:46] Obviously, you know...

[13:48] No?

[13:50] Not obviously.

[13:51] Anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[13:52] I love that you've rejected every single sentence starter that has come your way.

[13:58] Each...

[13:59] I can't wait, because whenever that sentence really starts going, it's going to have a tag

[14:03] out that says, expected by Dan.

[14:04] And I'm going to know that it was properly looked at and approved.

Dan McCoy

[14:08] No.

[14:10] I'm going to say, I think that, like, I personally, if I had a legal dog, I would...

[14:18] A legal beagle.

[14:18] Yeah.

[14:19] It doesn't have to be a beagle.

[14:20] We'll just call it that.

[14:21] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[14:21] Should that be the name of the movie, Stu?

[14:23] Legal Beagle?

Stuart Wellington

[14:25] I liked Legendary before, but legal...

[14:27] How about Legendary colon Legal Beagle?

[14:30] Legendary is just the production company, but okay.

Dan McCoy

[14:32] I would be more interested in sort of selling this dog of mine's life rights, you know, because

[14:39] the story seems so just a natural for the movies that that's my concern.

Elliott Kalan

[14:45] You mean this question based on a movie?

[14:47] Yeah, exactly.

[14:49] Okay.

[14:50] Well...

[14:50] I would say...

[14:50] I would say yes.

Stuart Wellington

[14:52] Am I allowed to answer?

Elliott Kalan

[14:53] I'm going to say that Dan has caused the quiz to eat its own tail like an Oroboros, but

[14:57] okay.

[14:57] Stuart, yes.

[14:58] You would say yes, Barking Way?

Stuart Wellington

[14:59] Did you say Oroverbose?

[15:03] I didn't, but I should have.

[15:05] That's a dog eating its own tail.

Elliott Kalan

[15:07] Oroboros.

Stuart Wellington

[15:09] Wolf, that's worse than mine.

[15:12] I would say yes, Barking Way.

[15:15] I think the best place for my dog is to dismantle the system from inside the system.

Elliott Kalan

[15:19] Oh, wow.

[15:20] Okay.

[15:20] Sure.

[15:21] I don't know.

Stuart Wellington

[15:22] Okay.

[15:22] He made a good argument.

[15:24] We stayed up late.

[15:26] I mean, we had a couple of beers.

[15:28] We were chatting.

[15:29] And at first I was against it, but he talked me into it.

[15:32] And you know what?

[15:32] I'm just happy he's passionate about something.

[15:34] Well, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[15:35] That's fair.

[15:36] And I'm hoping to see what changes this dog can bring to our fractured system.

[15:40] Guys, we're almost done with the dog round.

[15:42] There's only one left.

[15:43] Okay.

[15:44] Some badass assassins kill your dog.

[15:47] Do you use your long hidden fighting skills to go on a highly stylized revenge spree?

[15:52] A, no Barking Way.

[15:54] What was my dog doing getting mixed up with badass assassins anyway?

[15:57] He brought it on himself.

[15:58] B, yes, Barking Way.

[16:00] This could revitalize my somewhat flagging career.

[16:03] C, what the bark?

[16:04] There's a hotel for assassins and a hotel for dogs.

[16:07] Why so many specialized hotels?

Dan McCoy

[16:11] So what are you going to do?

[16:14] I'm going to say C.

[16:15] I think it is more likely that I personally would make sort of a mild comic observation about these hotels

[16:25] than to fight my way through any sort of group of thugs and a boss level.

Stuart Wellington

[16:33] Okay.

[16:33] That's the thing.

[16:35] I think I would have to say I would go on the revenge spree.

[16:40] I mean, I've been curating this late 90s hard rock mix that I've been planning to play.

[16:46] If I ever have to go on this like male revenge fantasy bullshit where it's like I got puddle of mud in there.

[16:52] I got some jar of flies, Alice in Chains in there, like a little bit of contemplative, a little bit serious.

[16:58] You know, it's going to be pretty intense.

[17:00] I got a couple of different outfits already picked out.

[17:04] Some mom jeans picked out in case I need to be able to do a kick or two.

[17:08] Something that gives me a little bit of range of mobility, nothing too tight.

[17:11] You know, some boots and maybe like a Wilson's leather jacket just so people know I mean fucking business.

[17:19] Yeah, sure.

Elliott Kalan

[17:21] Okay.

[17:22] Okay.

[17:23] So that's a yes barking way.

[17:25] Yeah.

[17:26] And Dan, your answer is effectively a no barking way.

[17:28] Okay.

[17:28] So, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[17:29] I said wraparound shades, right?

[17:32] So I'm going to wear wraparound shades.

[17:35] Also, just so everybody knows that I mean business.

[17:38] Wait, are they wraparound shades?

Dan McCoy

[17:39] Yeah, business was the only word I could remember from what you said.

Elliott Kalan

[17:42] Everyone knows you mean boss-ness.

[17:44] That's who you're going to be.

[17:47] So wraparound shades, are they the little like thin ones like Cyclops' visor that like futuristic

[17:53] punks wear in the movies?

[17:54] Or is it like the big clunky ones that old people wear over their other glasses?

Stuart Wellington

[17:58] No, not like blue blockers, but like the kind of like the kind of glasses that every bald

[18:04] guy wears in their like avatar pic when they're like making some like shitty comments on Twitter.

[18:11] You know what I mean?

[18:12] I guess so.

[18:13] You know, like they took a picture of them.

[18:14] They took a selfie in their truck with their wraparound shades and goatee.

Elliott Kalan

[18:19] This is a very specific guy.

[18:21] Okay.

[18:21] Speaking of specific guys, you're too specific guys.

[18:24] We're about to take on round two.

[18:25] That's right.

[18:25] Cat questions.

[18:27] Okay.

[18:27] Meow, meow, meow.

[18:28] Meow, meow, meow.

[18:28] It's cat time.

[18:29] Okay.

[18:30] Wow.

[18:30] First cat question.

[18:32] You discover that your cat is inhabited by the soul of Kevin Spacey.

[18:35] Do you say, A, no purring way.

[18:38] That guy's a creep.

[18:39] B, yes purring way.

[18:41] He can do less damage inside a cat's body.

[18:43] C, what the purr?

[18:45] The pet store told me this cat had the soul of Burgess Meredith.

[18:48] So which, which, what's your reaction to it?

Dan McCoy

[18:51] God damn it.

[18:53] I guess I trapped Kevin Spacey in a cat.

[18:57] I don't know, man.

Elliott Kalan

[18:58] No, he's already in the cat, Dan.

[19:00] Yeah, well.

[19:00] No, Luke's been done.

[19:02] Well, okay.

[19:03] You're like all those European explorers who are like, I discovered the Pacific Ocean.

[19:07] It's like, it's just there, dude.

[19:08] Someone was going to see it.

Dan McCoy

[19:09] Well, my friend, then your option two falls apart because there's like, him simply being

[19:16] in a cat does not mean that I need to buy him.

[19:20] Like, I'm happy about it in number two.

[19:22] Like, I don't understand.

[19:23] You already bought him.

Elliott Kalan

[19:24] I guess you're right.

[19:25] You're not, you're going to keep him in there rather.

[19:27] Rather than trapping him in there, you're going to keep him in there rather than taking

[19:29] him out.

Dan McCoy

[19:29] Yeah, I'll keep him in there.

Elliott Kalan

[19:31] I just don't want you to take credit for something that's already happened.

[19:33] His soul being trapped in a cat.

Stuart Wellington

[19:35] I have, so I think my response hopefully doesn't answer or anticipate a future question.

[19:44] But what I will do is, of course, I will pretend that I'm an old man in a wheelchair and I

[19:50] will hire Buster Poindexter to be a hitman to kill my cat.

[19:56] Now, unfortunately, that cat is going to kill him and then kill me.

[20:00] But you know what?

[20:01] At least when I get to the pearly gates, I can say I tried, you know?

[20:04] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[20:05] By the way, that segment starred a character actor, William Hickey.

[20:11] That's me, yeah.

[20:11] William Hickey, also the name of our mutual friend, Stuart's my mutual friend from college.

[20:17] Bill Hickey, yeah.

[20:18] The reason we know one another.

Elliott Kalan

[20:20] Yeah, absolutely the reason we know each other.

[20:22] Yeah.

[20:24] Wow.

[20:24] Okay.

[20:25] That was, I mean, thanks for keeping on the subject of pets, Dan.

[20:28] Okay, so.

Stuart Wellington

[20:29] And he listens to the show sometimes.

[20:32] Probably annoyed that he has to listen to us idiots talk about it.

[20:36] Hi, Bill.

[20:37] Dumb crap.

[20:38] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[20:39] So let's get on to the next question, guys.

[20:41] That was as illuminating as it was inspiring.

Stuart Wellington

[20:43] You don't want us to talk about other people we know from college?

[20:47] Not unless they're pets.

Dan McCoy

[20:48] His name is William Hickey, like the actor, the famous actor.

Stuart Wellington

[20:53] That's it.

[20:54] Dan gets partial points.

[20:55] I get no points because I added nothing.

Elliott Kalan

[20:57] Yeah.

[20:57] I mean, you really went off book on that one for sure.

[21:00] You were.

[21:00] Okay.

[21:01] So, next question.

[21:02] You've just set your spaceship to self-destruct and kill the alien terrorizing you when you

[21:07] realize you forgot the ship's cat.

[21:09] Do you go back for it?

[21:10] A.

[21:11] No purring way.

[21:12] I just want to strip down to my underpants, freeze myself, and get ready for the next movie.

[21:16] B.

[21:17] Yes, purring way.

[21:18] Even though that cat led Harry Dean Stanton into a trap, I still love it.

[21:21] C.

[21:22] Mm-hmm.

[21:22] What the purr?

[21:23] How did cat pass astronaut training in the first place?

[21:27] Mm.

Stuart Wellington

[21:28] I'm going back for that cat.

[21:29] I can't help it.

[21:30] Mm-hmm.

[21:31] Maybe it's just one last chance to get my head cracked open like an egg by a xenomorph,

[21:35] but, you know, I'm going back for that cat.

Dan McCoy

[21:37] Yeah.

[21:38] I think Stewart's, you know, I don't want to cast aspersion.

[21:42] I think his opinion might be biased by the knowledge of having seen the film Alien and knowing that

[21:51] the cat mission does not impede his further survival.

[21:56] If I was in that situation, I have to admit, as much as I adore cats, I probably would get

[22:02] a hand and blast off.

[22:05] Yeah.

[22:05] You and me both, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[22:06] Strip down to those space undies and blast off.

[22:08] You just want to show your butt to the camera and just get in that cryotube and go away.

[22:14] I mean, I'd probably do the same thing, to be honest.

[22:16] But what if it was a famous cat?

[22:18] What if it was Sylvester the cat?

[22:20] He's got so much to give.

[22:22] What if it was Heathcliff?

[22:23] Yeah.

[22:24] Well, I mean, Heathcliff, he's no good terrorizing the neighborhood.

[22:26] He probably got the xenomorph onto the ship in the first place.

[22:30] And so, actually, you guys, this is a side.

[22:33] Now we're going to get to Elliot Kalin's fictional monster philosophy corner.

[22:38] Have we ever talked about xenomorph's paradox?

[22:40] That's the philosophical construct in which the second mouth inside of the xenomorph's mouth

[22:46] never reaches Harry Dean Stanton's forehead because it always has half the previous distance

[22:51] to cover.

[22:52] And so it's just an infinitely regressive amount of space, and it never actually reaches it.

[22:56] So Harry Dean Stanton is just left there looking shocked as water drips off of chains

[23:01] in a spaceship for some reason.

[23:02] Because what is that room all about?

[23:03] It makes no sense.

[23:05] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[23:06] Yeah.

[23:07] I made a Xeno's paradox joke the other day, Elliot.

[23:11] So we're two nerds in a pod.

Stuart Wellington

[23:13] That's why we're friends.

[23:14] And the woman you were talking to was like, sir, this is a burger cake.

[23:18] What are you doing?

Elliott Kalan

[23:21] Which of the Paw Patrol figures do you want?

[23:23] Just go.

[23:26] Okay.

[23:27] Guys, there's another question in the cat category.

[23:29] It goes like this.

[23:30] Some kind of weird cat creature moves in next door and invites you to get on a bus that's

[23:34] also a cat.

[23:35] Do you join him?

[23:36] A. No purring way.

[23:38] That bus is just trying to eat me, the same way all pet cats are constantly planning how

[23:41] to kill and eat their owners.

[23:42] B. Yes, purring way.

[23:44] I've always wanted to be eaten by a cat.

[23:46] C. What the purr?

[23:47] Even in this children's fantasy, we're taking public transportation?

[23:51] So guys, what's your reaction?

[23:53] You going to get on that cat bus?

Stuart Wellington

[23:54] I mean, I feel like the fantasy is that public transportation is always the ideal choice,

[23:59] right?

Elliott Kalan

[24:00] I mean, that's the reality.

[24:01] I don't know if that's the fantasy.

[24:02] The fantasy would be a world where public transportation is not the best choice for the planet.

Stuart Wellington

[24:08] I guess.

[24:10] I think I've had too many drinks to totally make this argument.

[24:13] Okay.

[24:14] The point is, are you getting on that bus?

[24:17] That's a good point.

[24:19] Yeah, of course I'm getting on that bus.

Elliott Kalan

[24:20] I might get eaten in the process, but that's a pretty cute bus.

[24:24] It is.

[24:24] But before you met, I also just want to mention, you may think that the Spike Lee movie, Get

[24:28] on the Bus, was about getting on the cat bus from my neighbor Totoro, and I want to make

[24:32] sure you know that it was not.

[24:33] It was actually about a different subject entirely, and a different bus, in case that was swaying

[24:37] you.

Dan McCoy

[24:39] Nope, I'm going to get on the bus.

[24:41] Get on the bus, because, you know, I've been waiting my whole life for an opportunity to

[24:47] go to a magical land, and here it is.

Elliott Kalan

[24:51] And this is an extra credit question.

[24:54] What do you do once you get to that magical land?

[24:56] What's the first thing you're going to do?

Dan McCoy

[24:57] Oh, boy.

[24:58] Like, are there any stores there?

[25:01] Like, do they have tacos?

Elliott Kalan

[25:05] So the stuff you could do normally, you're like, well, I do have to get an extension cord

[25:09] and a hole punch, so I guess I'll pick that up.

Dan McCoy

[25:10] I think you're like a talking giraffe gives me the taco or something, you know?

Stuart Wellington

[25:14] Yeah, I mean, there's stores, like, there's places you can window shop, but you don't

[25:19] have to buy, like, stores that have, like, silly stuff in the window, where you're like,

[25:23] is that a painting of all the actors who played the Joker just, like, hanging out playing

[25:28] cards?

[25:28] Why would I buy?

[25:29] Who buys this?

[25:30] But it's available.

[25:32] Wait, is that a real painting?

[25:34] I mean, I think I saw something like that in Key West.

[25:38] It's got to be.

Elliott Kalan

[25:38] But if you see anyone's cards, they've all got Jokers in their hands, right?

[25:43] Yeah.

[25:43] Of course.

[25:44] There's this, like, there's the paintings that you can get in, I mean, anywhere, but

[25:48] they're in Washington, D.C., where it's, there's the painting of all the Democratic presidents

[25:51] sitting around having a good time, and then one of all the Republican presidents sitting

[25:54] around having a good time, and Lincoln's back is to the viewer in the Republican one, because

[25:58] you know, he's like, this, I do not like these people.

Stuart Wellington

[26:02] What am I doing here?

[26:03] This is terrible.

[26:03] He's like, I know I might get blasted for doing this by an assassin, but I'm going to

[26:09] do it anyway, because I don't like these guys.

Elliott Kalan

[26:11] Anyway, enough politics.

[26:13] We got some cat, another cat question.

[26:14] Okay, so, you learn, this is the last question in the cat category, so get ready.

[26:19] This is for the rest of the cat points.

[26:21] You learn that at night, your pet cats give themselves goofy names and sing ridiculous

[26:25] songs about themselves and their goofy names.

[26:28] Do you approve?

[26:29] A.

[26:30] This is amazing.

[26:31] B.

[26:33] Are you kidding me?

[26:34] C.

[26:34] What the purr?

[26:35] How could I not be into this?

[26:36] It's a bunch of cats singing their heart side about how they're fat and live on trains.

[26:41] I guess I railroaded you a little bit, no pun intended, but what's your answer on this

[26:44] one?

Dan McCoy

[26:45] I mean, my answer on this one is I bought the Blu-ray for cats.

[26:51] So.

Stuart Wellington

[26:54] What are the special features on that shit?

Dan McCoy

[26:56] You know, I really should dig into them because they've got to be amazing, right?

[27:01] Like, I haven't looked yet.

Elliott Kalan

[27:02] I'd like to believe that there's a commentary track featuring Ian McKellen that's mostly

[27:08] him just going like, this is what we were making?

[27:10] What?

[27:11] Is that what I look like?

[27:12] Hold on.

[27:14] They didn't tell me about this.

[27:16] They didn't just, oh no.

[27:17] Oh no.

[27:18] Oh no.

Stuart Wellington

[27:20] No, no, no, no.

[27:21] What size are we?

[27:24] Somewhere between science and superstition, there is a podcast.

John Hodgman

[27:32] Look, your daughter doesn't say she's a demon.

[27:35] She says she's the devil himself.

[27:37] That thing is not my daughter.

[27:39] And I want you to tell me there's a show where the hosts don't just report on French science

[27:45] and spirituality, but take part themselves.

Stuart Wellington

[27:50] Well, there is.

[27:51] And it's Oh No, Ross and Carrie on Maximum Fun.

John Hodgman

[27:53] This year, we actually became certified exorcists.

Stuart Wellington

[27:57] So yes, Carrie and I can help your daughter.

John Hodgman

[28:00] Or we can just talk about it on the show.

[28:04] Oh no, Ross and Carrie on MaximumFun.org.

[28:09] I'm Judge John Hodgman.

[28:11] And I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne.

[28:12] Ten years ago, I came on Jordan Jesse Go and judged my first dispute.

[28:16] Is chili a soup?

[28:18] It's a stew, obviously.

[28:19] The judge has dispensed a decade of justice.

[28:24] He's the one person wise enough to answer the really important questions.

[28:29] Like, should you hire a mime to perform at your own funeral?

Elliott Kalan

[28:33] After they cry, I want them to laugh.

John Hodgman

[28:35] Do you really need a tank full of jellyfish in your den?

Dan McCoy

[28:39] They smell like living creatures decaying.

Stuart Wellington

[28:41] Only if they are decaying.

Dan McCoy

[28:43] Yeah, which they will be.

John Hodgman

[28:44] Real people, real justice, real comedy.

S5

[28:47] Winner of the Webby Award for Best Comedy Podcast.

John Hodgman

[28:51] The Judge John Hodgman Podcast.

[28:53] Every Wednesday on MaximumFun.org.

Elliott Kalan

[28:59] Okay, guys.

[29:00] While I tally up the points for those first two rounds,

[29:03] before we get to the next two rounds, we've got a sponsor spot.

[29:06] This show is not just sponsored by television shows that I work for

[29:09] that I'm trying to promote.

[29:10] We have actual sponsors who want to tell you about their actual products.

[29:14] And today on this mini, we are brought to you in part by Storyblocks.

[29:18] Look, now more than ever, storytellers and content creators

[29:20] are challenged with producing more video content at a higher quality than ever before.

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[29:29] And you can do that with the stock media from Storyblocks.

[29:32] Storyblocks is great.

[29:33] It's dedicated to being the world's best royalty-free stock media subscription service.

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[30:02] You can get unlimited downloads of everything in their library that you get to keep.

[30:06] Even if your subscription ends, you don't have to give it back.

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[30:13] Do what you will is the whole of the law for both the Church of Thalema and also Storyblocks.

[30:18] And as a part of their ongoing restock initiative, Storyblocks has released a new round of collections,

[30:23] Queer Spaces and Faces, created by some really incredible LGBTQ plus creators that will feature the layered experience of the LGBTQ plus community.

[30:33] So, yeah, we've talked about Storyblocks before.

[30:36] Anyone who watched our Teen Wolf live show knows that Dan did great, great work using the Storyblocks footage to make a music video about how he had to pee.

[30:44] There were lots of great shots of waterfalls, people dancing in water.

[30:48] There was a clown face for some reason.

[30:50] It was really good.

Dan McCoy

[30:51] That was the part where it sort of just sort of devolved, you know, into just random stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[30:56] And Dan, correct me if I'm wrong, but you had a real easy experience working with Storyblocks.

Dan McCoy

[31:00] No, it was a delight.

[31:01] It was so easy to find the sorts of things I was looking for, download them.

[31:06] They all looked, honestly, they all looked so sharp that it kind of put into sharp relief the lack of professionalism of the rest of the show.

[31:16] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[31:18] But, you know, that's a good problem to have.

Elliott Kalan

[31:21] So, we give Storyblocks our highest flop sponsor recommendation.

[31:26] Just go to their library and explore it and subscribe today at storyblocks.com slash flop.

[31:33] Again, that's storyblocks.com slash flop.

[31:39] Okay, guys, I hope that was restful for you to hear about how great Storyblocks is because we're on to the next round of the quiz.

[31:45] Get ready because you've heard about cats.

[31:49] You've heard about dogs.

[31:50] You've heard about the thin line between cats and dogs.

[31:53] The truth about them.

[31:54] And the truth about cats and dogs.

[31:55] Yeah, that's true.

[31:56] Yeah, that's what it is.

[31:57] But this is round three.

[31:59] Pets that are not cats and dogs.

[32:01] Uh-oh.

[32:02] Oh, wow.

[32:02] This is a shorter category.

[32:03] Okay, so let's start with the first one.

Stuart Wellington

[32:06] It seems to cover so much more ground, though.

Elliott Kalan

[32:09] Well, most of the movies about pets are about cats or dogs.

[32:12] It's, yeah.

[32:13] I mean, I was not able to think of a Pete's Dragon question.

[32:17] So, that's one right off the bat that we're not going to get into.

[32:20] Okay.

[32:20] You're a hockey ref.

[32:22] Suddenly, one of the opposing teams brings a chimp onto the rink to play.

[32:26] Do you say, A, no chimping way.

[32:28] Send that chimp back to the showers.

[32:30] Only humans play human sports.

[32:31] B, yes, chimping way.

[32:33] Allow the chimp to play.

[32:34] After all, there's nothing against it in the rule book.

[32:36] C, what the chimp?

[32:38] Get that thing away from me before it bites my face off.

Dan McCoy

[32:41] This is MVP Most Valuable Primate.

[32:45] This is Most Valuable Primate.

Elliott Kalan

[32:46] The first one.

[32:46] I think he plays a different sport in MVP, too.

Dan McCoy

[32:48] Yeah.

[32:50] Pardon me.

[32:51] You know, I'm going to, like, I've, clearly I'm on the run again.

[32:55] The cops caught up to me at the last town.

[32:57] So, now I'm pretending to be a ref at a hockey game.

[33:02] And, again, I let the primate play.

[33:06] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[33:06] I'd be nervous that there's some kind of shenanigans going on.

[33:12] Because the last time shenanigans in a hockey arena went on, it was because Powers Booth had taken the entire arena hostage.

[33:19] And Jean-Claude Van Damme had to play goalkeeper for a little bit before he then saved the day.

Dan McCoy

[33:24] So, I would say, hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[33:28] You know, I don't like it.

[33:30] But I'm going to have to allow it.

[33:31] Really?

[33:31] Let that chimp play.

[33:32] Okay?

[33:32] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[33:33] Really?

[33:33] So, both of you would, as the band Sparks would say, let the monkey drive.

[33:36] Or, in this case, play hockey.

[33:39] Well, that's interesting.

[33:41] You're just going to throw your algorithm off.

[33:43] This is very, I had, I thought I knew where you guys were going, but now I'm not so sure.

[33:47] But let's find out the next one.

[33:48] Okay.

[33:48] This is another primate pet related question.

[33:52] Your pet orangutan is looking for a summer job.

[33:55] Do you advise him to become, A, a hotel bellhop, B, butler in a city that a pig visits, or C, trucking partner of a future mayor of Carmel, California?

Dan McCoy

[34:07] Ooh.

[34:07] So many good options.

[34:10] You know what?

[34:11] I got to, you know, take him to that pig city, because that place is wild.

[34:17] And, you know, it has so many elements from so many different cities.

[34:21] Like, you're getting in, like, a whole several years worth of travel in just that one city.

Elliott Kalan

[34:27] I mean, I don't think he's going to get to go outside that much.

[34:30] He's the butler, which means he mainly just stays at the house.

[34:32] But he could look out the windows, sure, at the skyline.

[34:36] Sure.

[34:38] I mean, if it's...

Stuart Wellington

[34:39] Doesn't he get, like, a day off or something?

Elliott Kalan

[34:41] Yeah, he must have.

[34:42] Yeah, I mean, I guess he gets a day off.

[34:44] I'm just saying, if you want to really explore the city you live in, being a butler is not the best job for that.

[34:50] You'd rather, you'd want to be, like, a local reporter who's always investigating what's going on in the city, you know?

Dan McCoy

[34:58] Wait.

[34:59] Wait, are we workshopping this now?

Elliott Kalan

[35:01] Yeah, so maybe he's, like, an orangutan reporter.

[35:04] Okay.

[35:04] What would that be called?

[35:05] What would that movie be called?

Dan McCoy

[35:07] Oh, God.

[35:13] Flingin' Sheets.

[35:15] Wait, hold on.

[35:19] No, wait.

[35:19] Did you just say Flippin' Sheets?

Stuart Wellington

[35:23] No, but let's say it is.

Elliott Kalan

[35:26] Okay, so Flippin' Sheets, the story of an orangutan reporter.

[35:30] Again, sounds more like a butler's job.

[35:35] But, okay, sure.

[35:37] I'm going to pass out.

[35:38] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[35:39] So, Stuart, what are you going to tell your orangutan to do?

[35:41] I mean, I was thinking one thing, then I heard all about this Flippin' Sheets.

[35:47] I'll add it.

[35:47] D.

Elliott Kalan

[35:48] It's a reporter working at a newspaper or a butler who makes beds.

[35:56] I love it.

[35:59] Okay, so, Stuart, you're going to say D for Flippin' Sheets.

Stuart Wellington

[36:01] It feels like it's also a little naughty.

[36:03] Maybe he's hanging out with other orangutans.

Elliott Kalan

[36:06] So, it's like an orangutan bedroom farce, is what you're saying?

[36:09] Yes.

[36:09] Okay.

[36:09] That's what I'm going to say.

[36:11] All right.

[36:12] Well, this is our final question in this section, in the pets who aren't cats or dogs section.

Stuart Wellington

[36:17] And he's just trying to get a story, but just hijinks keep happening, you know?

Elliott Kalan

[36:22] Now, is he a cub reporter who's just starting at the paper, or is he like a grizzled old reporter who's been there for a long time?

[36:30] He's seen it all.

[36:30] He's done it all.

Stuart Wellington

[36:32] I'm going to say, he's just trying to make his bones, you know?

Elliott Kalan

[36:36] You know what I mean?

[36:37] So, it is a bedroom farce.

[36:38] Okay, sure.

[36:40] What if it was, okay, he's an orangutan reporter.

[36:43] He doesn't have bones.

[36:43] He lost them.

[36:44] He needs to raise the money to make a new set of bones.

[36:47] To make a new set of bones?

[36:49] Yeah, to get the money.

Stuart Wellington

[36:50] He's a necromancer to get the bones out of the earth and into his body.

Elliott Kalan

[36:55] He's commissioning a glass blower to make a skeleton for him because he loves Samuel L. Jackson's performances in the Sixth Sense series.

Dan McCoy

[37:03] That's a bad idea.

Elliott Kalan

[37:05] He's an orangutan, Dan.

[37:06] What do you expect?

[37:07] Yeah, yeah.

[37:07] Dumb orangutan.

[37:08] I'm an osseomancer.

[37:09] Yeah, come on.

[37:11] Okay, well, that's the movie.

[37:12] I'll reschedule that pitch with Legendary so I can pitch on that one.

Stuart Wellington

[37:17] Legendary would be a good name.

[37:19] If we need a subtitle for Flippin' Sheets.

Elliott Kalan

[37:21] Okay, so it's called Flippin' Sheets Legendary.

[37:23] It's the story of an orangutan reporter who is trying to just get a new set of bones in his body.

[37:31] Last pose.

[37:32] Classic story.

[37:33] I mean, the problem is I feel like I've seen it before so many times.

[37:36] Yeah.

[37:37] Okay, so here's the last question.

Stuart Wellington

[37:38] I mean, the familiarity is what gets you in the movie theater, though.

[37:42] Like, you know what you're going to...

[37:43] I mean, it's proven IP.

[37:44] You want to go see something?

[37:45] It's proven IP.

Elliott Kalan

[37:45] The orangutan who doesn't have bones who works at a newspaper.

[37:48] Like, once the movie starts, you know how it's going to turn out.

[37:51] And that's the comfort, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[37:52] Every story's already been told.

[37:54] It's just nuance, you know?

Elliott Kalan

[37:56] Nothing new under the sun.

[37:57] Yeah, nothing new under the sun.

[37:59] Yeah, there's just...

[38:00] At this point, there's so many takes on that boneless orangutan reporter story.

[38:05] Okay, you're a little girl who becomes the owner of an enormous genetically modified super pig,

[38:10] technically owned by Tilda Swinton.

[38:12] Do you give it back?

[38:14] A. No oinking way.

[38:15] I found this weird super pig.

[38:16] It's mine now.

[38:17] B. Yes, oinking way.

[38:19] Property rights trump matters of the heart.

[38:21] Cut up that pig and save me a slice.

[38:23] C. What the oink?

[38:24] Is that what Jake Gyllenhaal thinks Australians sound like?

Dan McCoy

[38:28] That is one adorable pig.

[38:31] How do we save that pig?

[38:33] What's the option?

[38:34] Well, you can either...

Elliott Kalan

[38:35] You just decide not to give it back to Tilda Swinton.

Dan McCoy

[38:37] I'm assuming it's a no oinking way, yeah.

[38:40] Thus, I'm going to show myself to be the hero of this screenplay.

Stuart Wellington

[38:44] I would give it back to Tilda Swinton, because I'll do anything she tells me to.

Elliott Kalan

[38:48] This is a real reversal of the alien situation, where Dan was willing to let a cat die for

[38:53] his own good, and Stuart was willing to risk his life for it.

Dan McCoy

[38:56] I think part of it...

[38:59] Well, interesting.

[39:01] It's the relative fear I have of an alien person.

[39:03] What, just size of the thing?

[39:05] It's a huge pig.

[39:07] That's a big pig.

[39:08] No, I'm more scared of an alien than I am scared of Tilda Swinton.

[39:13] Wow.

[39:14] That's not me.

[39:14] Some people would disagree with you.

[39:16] No, I understand.

[39:17] They're flying arguments to the other way.

Stuart Wellington

[39:23] Yeah, I mean, have you seen her in, what's that movie?

[39:27] The Amy Schumer movie, where she plays the magazine executive?

Elliott Kalan

[39:32] I believe I have.

[39:32] It's terrifying.

[39:33] Yeah.

[39:34] But I mean, we won't know the answer of who to fear until Alien vs. Swinton comes out in

[39:38] theaters everywhere.

[39:39] No matter who wins, we lose.

[39:41] But it'll be a fun romp for everyone.

[39:43] Okay.

[39:43] So that's the last question in that section.

[39:46] Guys, we're up to the final round of our What Fictional Pet is Right for You quiz.

[39:51] This is the essay question.

[39:53] So each of you will get a chance to answer it in a short, kind of like, just short argument.

[39:58] I don't want you to overthink it.

[39:59] It's a pretty simple question that I'm sure you've thought about before.

[40:02] Okay.

[40:02] And the question is, do you consider yourself more of a Zeus or more of a Roxanne?

[40:06] And why?

Stuart Wellington

[40:07] Trainwreck is the movie.

[40:09] Ugh.

[40:10] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[40:13] Way to keep the momentum going.

[40:15] Oof.

[40:18] Well, I, you know what?

[40:22] I'm going to say I'm more of a Roxanne.

[40:24] Okay.

[40:25] Because, you know, if you read the stories, Zeus is a very capricious god, does a lot of terrible things.

[40:36] You know, murder and assault.

[40:39] So...

Stuart Wellington

[40:39] Shower of gold, dude.

[40:42] He turned into a swan.

Dan McCoy

[40:44] Roxanne, on the other hand, much like Roxanne, I have fallen for Steve Martin.

[40:50] So, yeah.

[40:52] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[40:52] I mean, you're taking it, you're really taking the question not at face value, which is about the film Zeus and Roxanne.

[40:58] Directed by George T. Miller, not to be confused with George Miller.

[41:02] Two very different people.

Dan McCoy

[41:04] George terrible Miller, just to make it clear.

[41:07] Wow.

[41:08] Not the good George Miller.

Elliott Kalan

[41:10] That's what it says on his business card.

[41:12] It says, not the good George Miller.

Stuart Wellington

[41:15] Elliot, which one is Zeus and which one's Roxanne?

[41:17] So, Zeus is the dog and Roxanne is the dolphin.

[41:21] I'm going to need more specifics.

Elliott Kalan

[41:22] What flavor of dog?

[41:23] What flavor of dolphin?

[41:25] Zeus is like kind of a medium-sized dog.

[41:29] And Roxanne is a regular-sized dolphin.

[41:32] You know what?

[41:33] I'm going to look up these.

Stuart Wellington

[41:34] What's regular in a dolphin, Elliot?

[41:36] Elliot.

[41:39] Stop pulling your usual bullshit on me where you think you know all about dolphin sizes.

Elliott Kalan

[41:44] Okay, fair.

[41:45] Okay, well, how about this?

[41:46] Are you more of a Zeus, more of a Roxanne, or more of a Steve Guttenberg as Terry Barnett?

[41:52] The main character of Zeus and Roxanne, other than, of course, the titular Zeus and Roxanne.

Dan McCoy

[41:56] Zeus looks like some sort of terrier, probably.

[42:01] It's kind of a scruffy dog.

Stuart Wellington

[42:03] Why did I think it was, I got him confused with Milo and Otis again.

Dan McCoy

[42:08] I'm going to stick with Roxanne because to swim like a dolphin, you know, all the time, what a treat that would be.

Elliott Kalan

[42:17] Okay, okay, that's fair.

[42:18] But that's what you want to be or that's what you are?

Dan McCoy

[42:21] Yeah, I'm Roxanne.

[42:23] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[42:24] I mean, I feel like if Dan's Roxanne, of course, I'm Zeus.

[42:28] I mean, I'm stuck on land watching my buddy swim around in the water.

[42:33] And, you know, I wish I could be with him, but I can't because I'm not blessed with the ability to swim super well.

[42:41] I was about to say gills, but dolphins don't have gills, right?

[42:43] No, dolphins do not have gills.

[42:44] They're mammals who breathe through a blowhole.

Elliott Kalan

[42:47] Okay, so that's true.

[42:48] Okay, so Dan, you're more of a Roxanne.

[42:50] Stuart, you're more of a Zeus.

[42:51] Again, that was Zeus and Roxanne directed by George T. Miller, not the George Miller you're thinking of.

[42:55] George T. Miller was the director, of course, of The Aviator, not the Aviator that you're thinking of.

[42:59] Oh, wow.

[43:01] Did he do anything else?

[43:03] Oh, he did lots of stuff.

[43:04] The Man from Snowy River, Never Ending Story 2, lots of stuff.

[43:07] Never Ending Story 2 with Jonathan Brandes?

[43:10] Yes, the very same.

[43:12] Okay, so guys, let me tabulate the results of these questions.

[43:15] First, how do you think you did in the quiz?

Dan McCoy

[43:17] Wait, you said there was no right answer.

Elliott Kalan

[43:20] Well, I was lying.

[43:21] How do you think you did?

[43:22] Do you think you're going to get a good fictional pet?

[43:24] Do you think you're going to be happy with what the quiz matches you up with?

Dan McCoy

[43:27] You know, I love all manner of animals.

[43:33] I think I will be happy.

[43:34] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[43:36] I'm kind of prepared to be upset at this point.

[43:39] Okay, well, let's see.

[43:40] I think I've played a bad game.

[43:42] Oh, no, no.

[43:43] You played a good Game Boy.

[43:45] Whoa!

Elliott Kalan

[43:47] Okay, I think I did well now.

[43:48] Okay, so I think you guys should both be mostly proud of your answers.

[43:52] Not Dan, of course, who left a cat to die on a spaceship.

[43:55] But otherwise, you should be, you know, proud for just taking part.

[43:57] Let's have a round of applause just for our contestants, everybody.

[44:00] This is the people at home are clapping right now.

[44:02] Everybody's a winner in this non-competitional game that, again, is more of a personality quiz.

[44:06] So I've tabulated the scores, and the algorithm has figured out what is the right fictional pet for you.

[44:12] Okay, Dan, you said you love all manners of living things.

[44:15] So let's dive into it.

[44:17] It says, Dan, you are a cat person.

[44:19] But unfortunately, the particular cat that is right for you is Mike Myers from the film The Cat in the Hat.

[44:24] Oh, no.

[44:25] This is the perfect pet.

[44:26] You love all living things, Dan.

[44:27] This is the perfect pet, all manner of animal.

[44:29] This is the perfect pet to shake you out of your humdrum life by injecting inappropriately sexual jokes delivered in the voice of an older Jewish woman for some reason.

[44:37] Cats in the hat can be difficult to care for because of their severe bipolar disorder, but well worth the effort.

[44:41] Your Mike Myers will be arriving on your doorstep tomorrow, so please plan accordingly.

[44:45] Oh, so the quiz has already gotten one for you.

[44:46] That's great.

[44:47] How do you feel, Dan?

[44:48] It's great.

Dan McCoy

[44:50] It's kind of want me to go to the raves with it.

Stuart Wellington

[44:53] Yeah.

[44:54] And if it's a Mike Myers, you know, you're going to need to have some hockey jerseys on hand in case he gets cold.

[44:59] Mm-hmm.

[45:00] Yeah.

[45:00] It looks like, Dan, you can learn a little bit from when you hide out as a ref.

Elliott Kalan

[45:03] You'll know a little bit more about the sweet game of hockey, the good old hockey game.

[45:08] The best game you can play.

Dan McCoy

[45:09] Maybe I'll learn something from the chaos this cat will bring into my life.

[45:13] Mm-hmm.

[45:14] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[45:14] Yeah, something about yourself.

[45:16] Yeah.

[45:16] And about the world around you.

[45:18] That's the good attitude.

[45:19] Resigned submission to fame.

[45:22] Sure.

[45:22] And, Stuart, let's see what it says about you.

[45:24] Oh, this is interesting.

[45:25] This is a very interesting result.

[45:27] Stuart, off the top of your head, what would be your guess?

[45:30] I should have asked Dan what his guess was, too.

[45:31] Stuart, what's your guess?

[45:32] What pet do you think this is going to line you up with?

Stuart Wellington

[45:36] I'm really hoping for, like, Beethoven or something, right?

[45:39] Okay.

[45:40] The composer or the dog?

[45:41] Or both?

[45:42] I mean, the composer.

[45:45] Okay.

[45:46] I mean, he's a huge star.

John Hodgman

[45:47] Go for both.

Stuart Wellington

[45:49] Both.

[45:50] What, like a fucking centaur?

[45:52] Yeah, yeah.

[45:52] Yeah.

[45:53] Yeah, it's Beethoven, the dog.

[45:54] The bottom half is a composer.

Elliott Kalan

[45:55] The bottom half is the dog, yeah, and the upper half is Ludwig van.

[45:58] Yeah, sure.

[46:01] Okay.

[46:01] Let's see if that, oh, that's not what the computer is telling me.

[46:04] The computer is telling me, okay, it says,

[46:05] Stuart, you should not have a pet because you are a pet.

[46:09] Specifically, you are a Harry from the movie Harry and the Hendersons.

[46:13] You enjoy living in the woods with occasional vacations in suburban homes that end in John Lithgow pretending not to like you so that you'll go away.

[46:19] Or maybe Harry was the owner and the Hendersons were the pets.

[46:22] And Harry, realizing he didn't want to take on the responsibility of caring for a middle class family of four, decided to let them down easy by pretending he didn't want to go, but actually relishing the chance to escape.

[46:33] Either way, Stuart, you are the original party animal, it says.

[46:36] Oh, okay.

[46:36] So, that's fair.

Stuart Wellington

[46:38] No, it's just like that time I ran into John Lithgow outside of the TGI Fridays at Union Square and he pretended he didn't like me and yelled at me until I left it.

Elliott Kalan

[46:49] Now you know why.

[46:50] Now it's come full circle.

[46:51] Yeah, he thought he'd run into his old co-worker, Harry.

[46:55] So, you don't see Harry in a lot of things these days.

[46:58] I guess he was in the original movie and on the TV show, but maybe there's just not a lot of roles for Bigfoots anymore.

[47:03] So, Dan, you get Mike Myers from The Cat in the Hat.

[47:07] Stuart, you get to be Harry, a Sasquatch.

[47:10] And that was Housebroken Presents What Fictional Pet is Right for You?

[47:13] Brought to you by Housebroken.

[47:14] Monday nights on Fox, starting May 31st.

[47:17] Please give it a watch.

[47:17] So, guys, now it's time for the post-game interviews.

[47:20] How do you feel about your results?

Dan McCoy

[47:24] I mean, you know, look, I don't want to be a sore loser, but I don't want a horrific Mike Myers human-sized cat man to visit me and create all sorts of havoc.

[47:40] I mean, particularly considering that Stuart gets to be like a cool Sasquatch.

[47:45] It's true.

[47:46] I get to be.

[47:47] No, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[47:47] Although I feel like, and I feel like the marketing opportunities, because maybe I could be like a pitch person for Pizza Hut's Bigfoot Pizza.

[47:56] Do they still do that?

Elliott Kalan

[47:57] They will once they see you're ready to do the commercials.

Stuart Wellington

[48:00] And does Pizza Hut still have freestanding restaurants with shingled roofs and all-you-can-eat fucking salad bars?

[48:07] I believe so.

[48:07] Probably fewer than they once did.

Elliott Kalan

[48:09] But now, Dan, I'm just curious, because you have been on the record even earlier this episode as being very pro-giant, weird, human-sized cats.

[48:18] And yet, this is one.

[48:19] Hey, guys, real quick.

Stuart Wellington

[48:19] Does Pizza Hut still do that thing where if you read enough books at school, they give you a free pizza?

[48:25] Bookhead.

[48:25] Do you want to enroll?

[48:26] Is that in the program?

[48:28] Or is that what?

[48:29] I mean, if I'm going to be eating pizza anyway, or wait, if I'm going to be reading books anyway, I might as well get pizza out of it.

Dan McCoy

[48:35] Man, you know, Pizza Hut was one of the earliest and longest serving, I believe it's still there, restaurants in my hometown of Eureka, Illinois.

[48:47] And I remember when Pizza Hut introduced, like, the pizza buffet.

[48:52] And it's like, you know, you got all these different types of, like, slices of pizza you can pick up, all you can eat.

[48:58] And then plus you got the, like, the dessert pizza on there, which is just, like, you know, Cinnabon-style frosting on, you know, cinnamon-y, like, pizza dough.

[49:09] It's one of those items that you look at and you're like, okay, this is a mistake.

[49:13] But still, I kind of, I got to take a little taste of this.

Stuart Wellington

[49:18] Yeah, you feel like a fucking Skeksis from, like, ooh, roast Nebry on a pizza.

Elliott Kalan

[49:28] Well, that was a wonderful little trip down Pizza Hut memory lane.

[49:32] And it was the perfect way to end this pet episode of the Flophouse.

[49:38] So, unless you guys have any other final thoughts about pets, I'll just say thanks to our listeners for listening.

[49:44] There's lots of other great shows on the MaxFun Network.

[49:45] Thanks to our editor, Jordan Cowling, who produced this.

[49:48] And remember to have your pets spayed or neutered, unless you like letting them have a good time.

[49:53] In which case, hey, go wild.

[49:56] For the Flophouse, I have been Elliot Kalin.

[49:59] I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[50:01] And I'm Stuart Wellington saying, sorry.

FH Mini 30 - The Sleuth About Cats and Dogs

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