Ep. #343 - North, with Matt Singer

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss North.

Elliott Kalan

[0:03] A comedy that's got its fair share of offensive racial stereotypes,

[0:07] but hey, it was made all the way back in, what the fuck, 1994?

[0:12] Yeah.

[0:30] Hey, everyone. Welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:43] Hey, it's me, Stuart Wellington.

[0:45] Hey, it's Elliot Kalin, and in case you hear the pitter-patter of little sounds,

[0:49] it's because we're getting a very rare rainstorm here in Los Angeles.

[0:52] That's right. I should be out there running around in it like Tim Robbins

[0:55] when he breaks out of prison in the Shawshank Redemption

[0:57] because we're not going to get rain again until 2025.

[1:00] But who's with us today?

[1:01] I was so excited that they were a guest that I wasn't out in the rain.

[1:03] Stuart, who's joining us?

Stuart Wellington

[1:04] Oh, man. He's the, what, editor-in-chief of Screen Crush?

[1:09] Oh, I already fucked it up.

[1:14] He's a longtime friend of the pod. I love this guy.

[1:16] We played Hero Clicks together.

[1:19] That is none other than the man who wrote the book on Spider-Man.

[1:22] That's right, Matt Singer.

[1:24] Thank you for joining us, Matt. Did I fuck it all up?

Matt Singer

[1:26] Oh, absolutely. You really did. But you did mention the Hero Clicks, so that's good.

[1:31] I think I won when we played, too.

[1:33] Hell yeah, you fucking destroyed me.

[1:34] I think I destroyed you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35] I mean, Matt Singer is best known to the public as the guy who beat you in Hero Clicks.

Matt Singer

[1:40] It's on my resume, just below Screen Crush.

[1:43] And above the book.

Dan McCoy

[1:44] During the pandemic, this will count for the one time I get to see Matt Singer per year

[1:48] because we didn't get to do his karaoke birthday, which is...

[1:53] It's true.

[1:54] Oh, that was...

[1:55] That's right.

Matt Singer

[1:56] Matt has these great...

[1:57] I love to do karaoke on my birthday, yeah.

[1:59] Elliot hasn't come, but both Stuart and Dan have sang karaoke with me.

Elliott Kalan

[2:02] Never been invited, I think. Never received an invitation, but I've certainly heard a lot about it afterwards.

Stuart Wellington

[2:06] I may have talked about this story on the podcast before, but it was at one of your birthday parties

[2:09] where Dan came to the party and he brought some friends, one of whom was a friend of the podcast, Natalie Walker,

[2:15] who did not sing for most of the time, even though she's a talented musical theater person.

Elliott Kalan

[2:21] A professional singer.

Stuart Wellington

[2:21] And then Dan gets up there and does a duet with her of Suddenly Seymour.

[2:27] Suddenly Seymour.

[2:28] Dan does the first verse and he's great.

[2:30] Like, he is killing it as Seymour.

[2:31] We're all loving it.

[2:33] Then Natalie sings and she doesn't need the fucking microphone.

[2:36] And like, the look on Dan's face was like, uh-oh.

[2:39] Like, we realized that's outclassed.

[2:42] Like, no offense.

[2:42] So outclassed, but...

[2:44] It was like, we all fell over laughing.

[2:47] It was amazing.

Dan McCoy

[2:48] Yeah, and then no one wanted to sing after that.

[2:49] Everyone else was just very quiet.

[2:51] I'm going to sing that duet with you, though, Matt, because you're, you know, you get up there,

[2:55] you sing a lot of Shirley Bassey hits and you kill it.

[2:58] Yes, sure.

[3:00] He's a, yeah.

[3:02] Didn't you get offered the role of Seymour just like randomly off of karaoke?

[3:07] Yes.

[3:08] That did happen, didn't it?

[3:09] Someone came up to us and was like, yeah, they were, yeah.

Matt Singer

[3:12] We were at a, that was a different time.

[3:14] We were at like a bar, just singing at a bar.

[3:16] Yeah, we were doing it.

[3:17] And not in a private room.

Stuart Wellington

[3:18] We were doing it at Excelsior and I think you sang Thunderball.

[3:21] Lee's bar.

[3:22] Yeah.

[3:22] Yes.

Matt Singer

[3:23] Exactly.

[3:25] Yeah.

[3:25] He wasn't there that night, but yeah, that's right.

[3:27] I sang like Thunderball or some, some ridiculous thing.

[3:30] And yeah, someone came up to me afterwards and was like, you'd be perfect.

Stuart Wellington

[3:33] And it was like, that's like the fantasy, right?

[3:35] That you get up, like everybody who gets up to do karaoke is like, hey, you're a star kid.

[3:40] I love the idea that...

Elliott Kalan

[3:41] I think I'm like, no thanks.

[3:42] I'm like, no thanks.

[3:43] No thanks.

[3:44] I would love the idea of Dan getting up and seeing Suddenly Seymour and then a guy walking

[3:48] up to Matt Sanger and going, you're perfect for Seymour.

Stuart Wellington

[3:51] Yeah.

[3:51] I mean, I looked over at Matt when he got the offer and his eyes stared off into the middle

[3:55] distance.

[3:55] And I'm sure he lived an entire lifetime in those moments thinking about what would have

[3:59] happened.

[4:00] Yeah.

[4:01] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[4:02] Real sliding doors scenario.

[4:03] Matt and I had...

Stuart Wellington

[4:04] Much like a certain North movie.

[4:06] Oh, yeah.

Matt Singer

[4:08] At the end of this whole tale, I'll wake up back in that bar having decided not to have

[4:14] taken the offer.

[4:15] Yeah, no thanks.

Elliott Kalan

[4:16] Yeah, exactly.

[4:17] Matt and I, we, for viewers of James Cameron's Story of Science Fiction documentary series

[4:22] from a couple years ago, Matt and I were both talking heads on that.

[4:25] They used a lot more of him than of me.

[4:27] They talked to me for a long time and used very little of it.

[4:29] But I was fast forwarding through it, just wanted to watch my parts the first time through,

[4:33] and I kept being, oh, there I am.

[4:34] And I would stop and it would be Matt talking.

[4:36] And he would talk for a while.

[4:37] And I'd be like, damn it.

[4:39] What is...

[4:39] Why is Singer taking up all my space?

Dan McCoy

[4:43] Okay.

[4:43] Well, let's reset the podcast.

[4:46] I mean, first off, let's just...

[4:47] Okay, sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[4:47] Welcome to the Flophouse.

[4:48] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[4:49] Did we not do it well enough, Dan?

[4:50] No, I'm sure we're well doing.

Dan McCoy

[4:51] I don't know why you're interrupting me, but...

[4:53] You said reset it.

[4:54] Let's start over.

[4:55] Okay, take two.

[4:56] Reset in the sense that...

[4:58] In the broadcasting sense of explaining for new viewers

[5:02] or listeners in our case, what the hell we're doing.

[5:06] Which is, this is the Flophouse.

[5:09] It's a podcast about bad movies.

[5:10] We watch bad movie and then we talk about it.

[5:12] Also, before we get into it, just a quick thank you.

[5:16] Max Fun Drive 2021 just ended.

[5:21] Considering the state of the world, it is a rousing success.

[5:26] It was a rousing success.

[5:27] And we appreciate so much that people still care about what we do

[5:32] when all seems so bleak around us that people, you know,

[5:37] fight in their hearts to support a little nonsense

[5:39] and support our lives, really, in a lot of ways.

[5:43] So thank you to all the listeners.

[5:47] And thank you to listeners, you know,

[5:48] who maybe are not in the position to be Max Fun members at this time

[5:53] due to financial hardship or other reasons.

[5:56] We appreciate all of you.

[5:57] Thank you so much.

[5:59] But now, we watched a movie called North.

[6:02] Why did we watch this?

[6:06] Why did we watch North?

Elliott Kalan

[6:07] So this was at the request of one Mr. Matt Singer of USA America.

[6:13] Matt, what is it about North that you wanted us to watch about it?

[6:19] What?

Matt Singer

[6:21] Well, I hate you guys.

[6:24] And I just thought this would be the best way to punish you all.

[6:28] Classic jigsaw.

[6:29] I think I gave, yeah, exactly.

[6:32] I think I gave a few options,

[6:33] and I believe that this was the one that you gentlemen picked out of those options.

Elliott Kalan

[6:37] This was, Dan was very clear that he did not want to watch the other options.

[6:40] So North was the...

[6:41] I can't even remember.

[6:42] What were the other options?

Stuart Wellington

[6:43] Well, one was the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man,

[6:45] where, like, I'm not fighting that guy again.

[6:47] Yeah.

Matt Singer

[6:49] I know that Movie 43 was in there, because...

Dan McCoy

[6:52] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[6:53] That's a really painful movie.

[6:55] I think I didn't want to do that one

[6:56] just because I have actually seen it before.

[6:58] So that would have been a painful repeat.

[7:01] Although I think one of you...

[7:02] I mean, Matt, you've seen North.

[7:04] Have one of you already seen North?

Elliott Kalan

[7:06] I saw North in the theaters when I was a kid.

[7:07] Oh, dear.

[7:08] But I had not seen it since then.

[7:09] So I remember seeing it.

[7:11] I remember thinking, that was okay.

[7:13] Again, I was 12 years old at the time,

[7:15] and my tastes had not yet cohered.

[7:18] You know, at that point,

[7:19] I still think the only movie I'd ever had

[7:22] a really viscerally negative experience with

[7:24] in the theaters at that point

[7:25] was still National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

[7:28] The first time that I actively disliked

[7:30] watching a movie, and I was like,

[7:31] what am I doing wrong?

[7:32] I'm not liking this movie.

[7:34] I don't understand.

[7:35] How am I not...

Stuart Wellington

[7:36] Also features Julie Louis-Dreyfus.

[7:39] Mm-hmm.

[7:40] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[7:41] She's a real rough period when...

[7:44] I mean, like, other than Seinfeld, I feel like.

[7:47] And then later on, people were like,

[7:50] oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[7:50] Right, she's great.

[7:52] But there were some trouble years in there.

Stuart Wellington

[7:56] Okay.

[7:57] Well, should we do a moment of silence?

[7:59] Yeah, sure.

Dan McCoy

[8:00] Why not?

[8:02] I think we did.

[8:03] It's called Dead Air, Stuart.

[8:04] Well, part of the reason we watch this is...

Stuart Wellington

[8:08] I mean, you guys can fill it in a little bit more than me,

[8:10] but it's famously a movie that Roger Ebert hated, right?

[8:14] Yes.

Matt Singer

[8:15] That is true, yes.

[8:17] Yeah, I mean, it's just like...

[8:17] I was just trying to think of...

[8:19] I looked down the list of movies that you guys have done

[8:22] and haven't done,

[8:23] and just trying to think of absolutely dreadful movies

[8:26] that haven't come up, and this was one of them.

[8:28] And yes, it is famously terrible.

[8:31] I had never seen it,

[8:32] even though I knew of it

[8:34] because it was the subject of that very famous

[8:37] Roger Ebert review where he was like,

[8:39] I hated this movie.

[8:39] I hated, hated, hated this movie.

[8:41] And then when he wrote a collection of...

[8:43] or he made a collection of his reviews of bad movies,

[8:47] like that was the title of the book,

[8:49] was I hated, hated, hated this movie.

[8:51] Yeah, I...

[8:51] He got a lot of mileage out of it.

[8:54] I just want to read the paragraph...

Elliott Kalan

[8:55] I mean, if anything, he profited more off of North...

[8:56] He profited more off of North than anybody else.

[8:58] Roger Ebert was the champion of this one, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[9:01] Because I have it,

[9:01] I'll read the paragraph in question from that review.

[9:04] Now, he wrote like most of what you would call a normal review.

[9:08] And then like maybe the third to last paragraph

[9:11] suddenly becomes,

[9:13] I hated this movie.

[9:14] Hated, hated, hated, hated, hated this movie.

[9:17] Hated it.

[9:18] Hated every simpering, stupid, vacant,

[9:20] audience-insulting moment of it.

[9:21] Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it.

[9:24] Hated the implied insult to the audience

[9:26] by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.

[9:28] And I believe,

[9:31] I may be making up a memory,

[9:32] I believe I read him like talk about that review

[9:35] and that it was basically like

[9:37] he reached a certain point in the review

[9:38] where he just kind of like broke down.

[9:40] He's like,

[9:41] I'm just going to write what I really feel here

[9:43] and then just decided,

[9:44] you know what?

[9:45] I'm not taking it out.

[9:46] I'm just going to go with this.

Elliott Kalan

[9:47] And he won the Pulitzer for that review,

[9:50] but it wasn't in criticism.

[9:50] It was in the field of ruining Rob Reiner's career

[9:53] for a little bit.

Dan McCoy

[9:54] Oh, no, no.

[9:56] Right after this,

[9:56] like, so Rob Reiner,

[9:57] like, well, I'm sure we'll talk more about it.

[9:59] He had like a golden career for a long time.

[10:01] Then he had this,

[10:02] but right after he had the American president.

[10:04] So this wasn't the last nail.

[10:06] Like the American president is a pretty solid romantic comedy.

[10:07] No, I mean the American president,

[10:08] the story of us,

[10:09] lots of great movies.

[10:10] Yeah.

[10:12] The American president is the true end to his like movies

[10:16] that people might conceivably stick up for.

[10:19] Because then they had like the weird,

[10:21] like what,

[10:22] like graduate sequel.

[10:25] And they had like,

[10:26] just like a couple of things.

[10:27] Where has it?

[10:28] Yeah.

[10:29] Barely exist.

[10:29] And then like,

[10:30] if you look at his past six or seven movies,

[10:34] I defy you to have any like memory of these things existing.

[10:37] So.

Matt Singer

[10:38] He had an incredible career,

[10:41] like a directing career.

[10:42] Yes.

[10:42] Until North.

[10:43] Like his first,

[10:43] like five or six movies are all like,

[10:45] absolute,

[10:46] like.

[10:46] It's what,

[10:46] like,

[10:47] it's like Spinal Tap.

[10:47] classic.

[10:48] Back to Bung Bangers,

Stuart Wellington

[10:50] no skips.

[10:51] Amazing.

Matt Singer

[10:52] Misery,

[10:52] A Few Good Men,

[10:54] When Harry Met Sally,

[10:55] The Princess Bride,

[10:56] Stand By Me.

[10:58] They're not in that order,

[10:59] but like,

[10:59] those are all,

[11:00] it's just like one after another,

[11:01] like hit,

[11:02] hit,

[11:02] hit.

[11:03] And like these classic movies.

[11:05] And then North.

Elliott Kalan

[11:06] He truly was the Peter Bogdanovich of the late 80s,

[11:09] early 90s,

[11:10] when it comes down to it.

[11:11] Aside from all the other stuff about them,

[11:12] but having a string of hits and then making,

[11:14] and then after that making movies that people didn't like as much,

[11:16] they're the same guy.

[11:17] Yeah.

[11:18] Pretty much,

[11:18] right.

[11:18] It was,

[11:19] you know,

Dan McCoy

[11:19] it was also when he stopped working with Pauly Platt that everything fell apart.

[11:22] It's weird.

Elliott Kalan

[11:23] That's true.

[11:23] Yeah,

[11:24] it's that,

[11:24] that was part of it.

[11:25] Uh,

[11:25] and also,

[11:26] uh,

[11:26] Rob Reiner famously also had a contentious friendship with Orson Welles.

[11:30] Uh,

[11:30] and also,

[11:31] uh,

[11:32] his last name is Bogdanovich.

[11:34] Um.

Dan McCoy

[11:34] He loves to wear kerchiefs.

Elliott Kalan

[11:36] Yeah,

[11:36] they both wear a lot of ascots and kerchiefs.

Dan McCoy

[11:38] How have we not seen the similarities before?

[11:40] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[11:40] Only,

[11:41] only one of them talked so long before a screening of targets that I went to that they had to cancel the second screening because,

[11:47] because they ran out of time.

[11:49] Oh,

[11:49] that was such a funny moment.

[11:50] Seeing him get,

[11:52] seeing the handler at the film forum get madder and madder at standing at the side of the stage as,

[11:55] as,

[11:56] as Peter Bogdanovich refused to stop taking questions.

[11:59] And the movie started,

[12:00] I think 45 minutes late.

[12:02] Anyway,

[12:02] so,

[12:02] um,

[12:04] but,

[12:04] uh.

Stuart Wellington

[12:05] So,

[12:05] I'm going to be driving this one and I just kind of want to peel back the curtain a little bit.

[12:09] I've,

[12:09] you know,

[12:09] the last week has been kind of tough for me.

[12:12] Uh,

[12:13] I had some staff issues at the bar and then I,

[12:16] uh,

[12:17] I've been plagued with a resurgence of fairly extreme back pain.

[12:21] So,

[12:21] I was just really looking to lose myself in a movie,

[12:25] you know?

[12:26] And,

[12:26] unfortunately,

[12:27] we watched North.

Elliott Kalan

[12:28] Yeah.

[12:29] Hey!

[12:29] It did not,

[12:30] you're saying it didn't replicate the,

[12:31] uh,

[12:32] the,

[12:32] the pleasure you had from the country bears.

Stuart Wellington

[12:34] No.

[12:35] And the thing is,

[12:36] is,

[12:36] uh,

[12:37] I was,

[12:38] up until the point that I decided to watch North,

[12:40] I had been doing a series run of the Saw movies.

[12:44] And I,

[12:45] the whole time I was like,

[12:46] man,

[12:47] what I wouldn't give to go back to Jigsaw's loving embrace.

[12:51] Put me in a death trap,

[12:52] buddy.

[12:52] Please.

[12:53] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[12:54] So,

[12:54] I want to say one thing about North,

[12:56] but in,

[12:56] as we go into it,

[12:57] I think the thing about North to remember is,

[12:59] it doesn't start out that bad,

[13:02] but it is a movie that,

[13:03] and it has some good jokes in it,

[13:04] but it is a movie that loses its way hard.

[13:06] And then it does not,

[13:07] it falls in a hole and does not get,

[13:09] know how to get out of the hole.

[13:11] And the more it tries to climb out of the hole,

[13:12] the more it's pulling bags of manure onto itself.

[13:14] Like it's just,

[13:16] it doesn't,

[13:16] it really gets into trouble.

Stuart Wellington

[13:19] Uh,

[13:19] okay.

[13:19] So I'm excited to see where that,

[13:21] that tilt happens.

[13:22] So the movie opens,

[13:23] uh,

[13:23] with a long credit sequence in a fun kid's room filled with like model trains and toys and all kinds of shit that represents like different parts of the world.

[13:32] And you're like,

[13:32] man,

[13:32] this kid has a great life.

[13:35] Like this kid has a very busy bedroom.

[13:37] Like he's,

Elliott Kalan

[13:37] he lives in Mr.

[13:39] McGoriam's Emporium,

Stuart Wellington

[13:40] basically.

[13:41] Yep.

[13:42] If,

[13:42] if we could all be so lucky.

[13:43] Um,

[13:44] we,

[13:44] we learned that that room,

[13:45] I believe belongs to North,

[13:47] uh,

[13:48] who is played by Elijah Wood,

[13:50] the original son of Northern darkness.

[13:51] Um,

[13:51] and he is the child,

[13:53] of,

[13:53] uh,

[13:54] George and Elaine.

[13:56] Uh,

[13:56] that's right.

[13:56] Jason Alexander and Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

Elliott Kalan

[13:59] Not the,

[13:59] not the characters from Seinfeld.

[14:01] It's just the,

[14:01] the performers.

[14:02] No.

Stuart Wellington

[14:02] At first when I saw them,

[14:03] I was very excited because I have trouble separating,

[14:06] uh,

[14:07] you know,

[14:07] actors from their characters and that they play,

[14:09] but whatever.

[14:10] Um,

[14:11] and they're,

[14:11] and he's trying to get a word in his parents.

[14:13] Their lives are too busy.

[14:15] They don't have time for their little Northy.

[14:17] And he like has kind of a panic attack or something.

[14:20] Right.

Matt Singer

[14:21] He has a,

[14:21] yeah.

[14:21] He like has a heart attack.

[14:22] Yeah.

[14:23] He has like a little kid heart attack.

[14:24] At the dinner table.

[14:25] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[14:25] And,

[14:25] and this is,

[14:26] this is the first point of the,

[14:28] at the,

[14:28] in the movie where I,

[14:30] uh,

[14:31] begin to lose sympathy with our protagonist and it will only continue as the movie goes on.

[14:36] Because I can see,

[14:37] I,

[14:38] look,

[14:38] this movie is for kids.

[14:39] Let's make this clear up top.

[14:40] And I could see where as a kid,

[14:44] this might resonate with you.

[14:46] Cause like North's biggest problem seems to be like,

[14:48] he just doesn't think he's appreciated by his parents and like otherwise perfect life,

[14:54] but doesn't feel like his parents appreciate him.

[14:56] And yeah,

[14:57] they're like having two separate conversations at one another at the dinner table and not talking to him.

[15:03] But I also like as an adult and not a child throughout the movie,

[15:08] I'm just like,

[15:09] this kid's a little shit.

[15:10] Like,

[15:11] I'm like,

[15:11] this kid thinks he like deserves so much out of life.

[15:16] I mean,

[15:16] he's very full of himself.

Elliott Kalan

[15:18] They might as well have called this book of Henry first,

[15:21] first run through.

[15:22] Like this is,

[15:23] he's like the kid who's great at everything and he kind of expects to be adored by everybody.

[15:27] And he's just like Henry in that piece of garbage where Henry is like an angel sent from heaven to make everybody,

[15:34] to touch everybody's lives and make them beautiful.

[15:37] And North is kind of like that.

[15:38] And North is,

[15:39] does he come up with an intricate plan to kill a guy though or something?

Stuart Wellington

[15:43] Well,

[15:43] North does.

[15:44] Henry does.

[15:45] Henry does.

[15:46] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[15:46] Yeah.

[15:46] Henry does.

[15:47] And then there's book of Eli.

[15:48] Eli's a pretty good kid.

[15:50] But North is,

[15:52] I haven't seen that one.

[15:53] I don't know who Eli is.

Dan McCoy

[15:54] I think Eli is Denzel Washington in that.

[15:57] I'm not.

[15:57] Is there a better kid?

Stuart Wellington

[15:59] He's like a,

[15:59] that's true.

Elliott Kalan

[16:00] Who would be proud to have Denzel Washington as his son?

[16:03] That's true.

[16:03] Yeah.

[16:04] So,

[16:05] but yeah,

[16:06] North is,

[16:06] he's like,

[16:07] he's the kid who should be like the kid everyone hates in a movie.

[16:10] Like he's good at everything.

[16:11] And other parents use him as an example to shame their own children.

[16:15] You know,

Matt Singer

[16:15] he,

[16:15] he definitely is cruising for a wedgie at some points in this movie.

[16:19] For sure.

Stuart Wellington

[16:21] Yeah.

[16:21] I mean,

[16:21] and we learn a little bit about his background because this is around when our narration begins and it's read,

[16:27] uh,

[16:28] kind of like lazy book on tape narration style by Bruce Willis.

[16:32] Like,

[16:32] yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[16:33] I feel like Bruce Willis went to see Blade Runner and was like,

[16:36] I can be sleepier in my voiceover.

[16:38] I see you,

[16:39] Harrison Ford,

[16:39] and I raise you two Z's.

Dan McCoy

[16:41] This is all the more confounding because when,

[16:43] when Bruce Willis appears on screen as various characters,

[16:46] like he's fine.

[16:48] Like he's fine.

[16:49] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[16:49] We get,

[16:50] we get a panoply of different accents and performances.

[16:54] Every,

Dan McCoy

[16:54] every shade in the Bruce Willis rainbow.

[16:56] Well,

[16:56] the movie's not good.

[16:58] So there's a ceiling to how good Bruce Willis can be in it.

[17:00] But the difference between the energy he puts into when he's on screen and his,

[17:05] uh,

[17:05] voiceover is stark.

[17:06] Like,

[17:06] it sounds like he was like flying home on an international flight.

[17:10] They called him in the airport and he's like,

[17:11] yeah,

[17:12] I can tape it.

[17:12] Fine.

Elliott Kalan

[17:12] Here's my theory.

[17:13] Here's my theory.

[17:14] Okay.

[17:15] They had Bruce Willis.

[17:16] They shot all the scenes.

[17:17] They said,

[17:18] this is great,

[17:18] but you know what?

[17:19] We really need a voiceover to tie this all together.

[17:21] Let's get Bruce to do it.

[17:22] Bruce is so charismatic.

[17:23] He's a wise ass.

[17:24] You know,

[17:25] he's Bruno.

[17:25] He's,

[17:25] he's back.

[17:26] And so they call him up.

[17:28] Unfortunately,

[17:29] modern day,

[17:30] bald,

[17:30] sad Bruce Willis.

[17:31] He's falling through a time window into back then Bruce Willis's house.

[17:35] He gets the call.

[17:36] He says,

[17:37] yeah,

[17:37] I'll come down to the studio.

[17:38] And he's like,

Dan McCoy

[17:39] is this an action movie for the Hungarian market?

Matt Singer

[17:41] I'll do it.

[17:43] Can I wear an exo suit,

[17:44] but in CGI,

[17:45] so I never have to actually put it on?

Elliott Kalan

[17:48] So it's that.

[17:49] And so they got him to do it because it was while watching this movie that it really struck me.

[17:52] I was like,

[17:53] oh,

[17:53] I've gotten so used to emotionless Bruce Willis that seeing like wiseacre Bruce,

[17:57] like moonlighting style Bruce Willis is a shock to me.

[18:00] It's strange to me to see him,

[18:02] you know,

[18:02] to see Hudson Hawk suddenly appearing when I expect unbreakable,

[18:05] you know,

Stuart Wellington

[18:06] so North is having a rough time.

[18:09] He like is fucking up at acting in baseball,

[18:11] things that he normally excels at.

[18:13] And it's all because of the,

[18:16] about not be,

[18:17] and not,

[18:17] I guess being appreciated enough by his parents.

[18:19] So he wanders off of the baseball pitch that he's playing on.

[18:22] And he goes to his special place,

[18:23] which is a mall,

[18:25] a furniture showroom.

[18:26] And he sits down in a recliner and he starts to like ponder.

[18:31] This,

[18:31] I guess this is a special place and he's pondering his situation.

[18:35] And that's of course where he runs into Bruce Willis dressed up as the Easter

[18:38] bunny.

Elliott Kalan

[18:39] This is Bruce Willis number one,

[18:41] because this movie is trying so hard to be the Hudsucker proxy is what I

[18:45] realized like halfway through it.

[18:47] It wants to be like a real goofy,

[18:49] whimsical,

[18:49] like,

[18:50] like eccentric movie.

[18:51] And it is not,

[18:53] it doesn't know how to pull it off.

Dan McCoy

[18:54] With racial stereotypes from old Hollywood.

Elliott Kalan

[18:56] Yeah.

[18:56] I mean,

[18:57] there's some of that in the Hudsucker proxy too,

[18:58] but not as much.

[18:59] But the,

[19:00] but like it,

[19:01] the minute Bruce Willis shows up up till now,

[19:03] it's been a little cartoony.

[19:04] And then Bruce Willis shows up in an Easter bunny costume.

[19:07] And no,

[19:07] North never asked the big question,

[19:09] which is what mall hires an Easter bunny to hang around.

[19:12] Like that's not a holiday.

[19:13] People do that for,

Dan McCoy

[19:14] but imagine like a mall Easter bunny.

[19:17] And like,

[19:17] like the kids come and sit on his lap.

[19:20] you're getting eggs.

[19:21] Everyone's getting eggs.

[19:22] Don't ask for anything else.

Stuart Wellington

[19:24] And I love that this Easter bunny character,

[19:27] he's like,

[19:28] so into character that he is eating a carrot wall off shift.

[19:32] Like,

[19:32] it seems like he's on break,

[19:33] right?

Matt Singer

[19:34] Yeah.

[19:35] He offers,

[19:35] he offers one to,

[19:36] to North,

[19:37] but we've already like,

[19:38] by this point,

[19:39] there's like,

[19:40] it's already starting to like,

[19:41] drop these,

[19:42] I just absolutely terrible,

[19:43] like jokes.

[19:44] Like they're supposed to be jokes,

[19:45] but they're just the hackiest,

[19:47] terrible jokes.

[19:49] Like when you were saying like,

[19:50] okay,

[19:51] North,

[19:51] he's,

[19:52] he's being neglected by his parents.

[19:53] So he's screwing things up.

[19:55] And like he,

[19:56] but previously we've seen him do fiddler on the roof really well.

[19:59] And I guess that's kind of cute.

[20:01] Okay,

[20:01] whatever.

[20:01] And then like,

[20:03] well,

[20:03] what,

[20:03] what play could he mess up?

[20:04] And it's like Hamlet.

[20:07] to be or not a line,

[20:09] just like the,

[20:10] just like the worst.

Stuart Wellington

[20:12] It is pretty.

[20:13] I will say it's like commercial level.

[20:15] Hackey.

[20:16] Like that's the sort of thing that like,

[20:17] Oh,

[20:17] he should have gotten a better insurance.

[20:19] Or something.

Elliott Kalan

[20:20] I will say one of the fun things about writing things for children is you

[20:23] can use hacky jokes.

[20:24] Cause the kids don't know it like that.

[20:26] So you can reuse stuff.

[20:27] There was,

[20:28] I remember working on the who was show for Netflix and it was like,

[20:31] to do a,

[20:31] like a joke rap about this would be pretty hacky,

[20:34] but it's for kids.

[20:35] They don't know that.

[20:36] So we can do it.

[20:36] And it reminds me of the other day.

[20:38] I was so proud of my son.

[20:39] He was reading a book and he got to a part where a character said,

[20:42] what am I chopped liver?

[20:43] And he got up and he ran over to me to share this joke with me.

[20:46] He showed it to me.

[20:47] He was like,

[20:48] look at what this guy said.

[20:49] He said,

[20:51] And I was like,

[20:51] I don't remember when I first heard that for the first time.

[20:54] Like,

[20:54] this is a special moment that you're hearing this.

[20:56] One of the hackiest things a person can say in a story.

[20:59] Like,

[21:00] and he's experiencing it as a,

[21:01] as a new,

[21:02] amazing phrase,

[21:03] you know?

[21:03] So,

[21:03] it's a strange thing too.

Dan McCoy

[21:05] Cause you know,

[21:05] chopped liver liver is pretty good.

Elliott Kalan

[21:07] It is.

[21:08] I mean,

[21:08] that's the,

[21:08] that's the real,

[21:09] that's the problem with that joke.

[21:10] That's the problem.

[21:10] If it was like,

[21:11] Yeah.

[21:12] I wish it's delicious.

[21:13] Put it on,

[21:13] put it on like a cracker or something.

Stuart Wellington

[21:15] Rest in peace.

[21:16] Sammy's Romanian.

[21:17] I mean,

[21:17] come on.

Dan McCoy

[21:17] Yeah.

[21:18] This bad joke did not inspire laughter out of me.

[21:21] It did inspire me to think,

[21:22] why are they producing Hamlet in this school?

[21:26] It seems,

[21:26] it seems like a lot for these children.

Elliott Kalan

[21:28] I don't know.

[21:28] I will say the level of joke is,

[21:31] it's not.

Stuart Wellington

[21:31] Though it does reflect his current indecisive state,

Elliott Kalan

[21:35] right?

[21:36] You know what?

[21:36] I forget about it.

[21:37] There's subtext.

[21:38] It's a great joke.

[21:38] It's perfect.

[21:39] There's no other play that would have worked.

[21:41] I suddenly like the whole movie now.

[21:43] It's not that every joke is bad in this movie.

[21:45] It is that the big jokes are pretty bad to me.

[21:48] And there are a lot of little jokes.

[21:49] There's a part near the end where Alan Arkin,

[21:50] as a judge,

[21:51] pulls out a timer,

[21:52] and we'll get to that.

[21:53] And he goes,

[21:53] that's the clock from my house.

[21:54] And that made me laugh more than anything else in the movie.

[21:57] It was just,

[21:57] this is a side where the judge is just making sure they know that that's his

[22:00] clock that he brought from home.

Dan McCoy

[22:01] I liked the part where Jason Alexander talking about how he's a pants

[22:05] inspector,

[22:06] says like,

[22:06] who do you,

[22:07] did you forget who I am?

[22:08] And he pulls out a little thing that says inspected by number six and says,

[22:11] I'm number six.

[22:12] And I liked that joke.

[22:13] That was,

[22:13] that was pretty good.

Elliott Kalan

[22:14] I feel like there's potential in the idea of a pants inspector that they

[22:16] don't really,

[22:17] they don't,

[22:18] they don't dig into it as much as I would have liked.

[22:20] It's just like a,

[22:20] a site day later.

[22:21] But yeah.

[22:21] I mean,

Dan McCoy

[22:22] as long as we're talking about the writing,

[22:23] I just want to mention,

[22:24] this is,

[22:24] uh,

[22:25] Alan Zweibel did this from his children's book.

[22:28] And he,

[22:29] you know,

[22:29] was a,

[22:30] a very famous SNL writer during the early years.

[22:33] And he was,

[22:33] he wrote,

[22:34] uh,

[22:35] for Gary Sandling show.

[22:37] So,

[22:37] Oh yeah.

[22:38] No,

[22:38] he's capable of,

[22:39] of writing very funny stuff.

[22:40] Uh,

[22:41] but,

[22:41] uh,

[22:41] but North is not,

[22:42] uh,

[22:42] I would,

Elliott Kalan

[22:42] I would call him one of the top boomer generation TV and probably movie writers.

[22:49] Like of all of boomer writers,

[22:51] Alan Zweibel is,

[22:52] is right up at the top.

[22:53] And this,

[22:54] you know,

[22:54] everyone has the,

[22:55] and I've,

[22:55] he's,

[22:56] he's on,

[22:56] he comes on Gilbert Godfrey's podcast every now and then they always ask him about North and he's like,

Dan McCoy

[23:00] we were just doing something nice.

[23:02] Why do people have to be mean?

[23:03] They're doing something nice.

Elliott Kalan

[23:05] yeah,

[23:05] he's probably right.

[23:06] And then I watched the movie again and I was like,

[23:07] Oh boy,

[23:08] they,

[23:08] no,

[23:09] uh,

[23:09] this is,

[23:10] this is not the,

[23:10] this is not the nice thing that they,

[23:12] that they,

[23:13] around,

[23:14] around the time later on when,

[23:15] when someone is trying to murder North on camera,

[23:17] I was like,

[23:18] uh,

[23:18] this is not,

[23:19] this doesn't work for me.

[23:20] So,

[23:20] uh,

[23:21] continue Stuart.

[23:22] Sorry,

[23:22] I'm jumping ahead.

Stuart Wellington

[23:22] Yeah.

[23:22] So,

[23:23] uh,

[23:24] North,

[23:24] uh,

[23:25] he gets the seed of an idea and he gets,

[23:28] he enlists the aid of his weird journalist friend,

[23:31] Winchell to come up with the plan of becoming kind of like a kid free agent,

[23:37] uh,

[23:38] and like shopping himself around to prospective adoptive parents.

Dan McCoy

[23:43] Which like as a premise,

[23:45] like I could see someone being like,

[23:46] Oh,

[23:46] that's a fun premise.

[23:48] Everything that has,

[23:49] has spun out of it in the film is pure evil,

[23:52] but like the,

[23:53] the idea of like a free age,

[23:54] like a kid trying like,

[23:56] like a sports,

[23:57] you know,

[23:57] figure trying to get like picked up by a different,

[24:00] you know,

[24:00] different parents,

[24:01] you know,

[24:01] there,

[24:01] there's something there.

Elliott Kalan

[24:02] Yeah.

[24:02] It's a,

[24:03] it's a very funny idea that unfortunately just opens up a can of,

[24:06] of stereotype worms.

[24:08] Uh,

[24:09] and the,

[24:09] and the wind,

[24:10] as the Winchell storyline develops,

[24:11] it becomes just straight.

[24:13] Like it,

[24:13] it just becomes not.

[24:15] Yeah.

[24:15] Harvard is not a,

[24:16] not kid movie appropriate,

[24:18] uh,

[24:18] or,

[24:18] but,

[24:19] uh,

[24:20] it gives John Lovitz an opportunity to be in the movie a lot.

[24:22] Who just shows up.

Stuart Wellington

[24:23] John Lovitz shows up as Winchell's,

[24:25] uh,

[24:25] often used attorney,

[24:27] uh,

[24:28] who is going to handle the case for North's emancipation.

Elliott Kalan

[24:32] Yeah.

[24:32] He literally appears,

[24:34] he's chasing an ambulance in his car and then he sees North on the street and screeches to a stop.

[24:38] And it's like,

[24:39] yeah,

[24:39] that's the level of the movie is that the lawyer is literally chasing after an ambulance.

[24:43] That's,

[24:44] that's what they had,

Stuart Wellington

[24:45] you know,

[24:45] worked for the Marx brothers in like brain donors or something,

[24:48] right?

[24:48] Well,

[24:49] that,

[24:49] okay.

Elliott Kalan

[24:50] you got a lot to unpack there.

[24:51] I mean,

[24:52] the biggest thing being that that's not a Marx brothers movie.

[24:55] I mean,

[24:55] it's definitely a Marx brothers pastiche.

[24:57] I mean,

[24:57] that's a movie I remember loving as a kid when it would be on HBO and I have to watch it again to see if it holds up at all.

[25:03] But yeah,

[25:03] anyway,

[25:03] I'm curious too.

Matt Singer

[25:05] Okay.

[25:06] So I don't know.

[25:07] I think there's something weird going,

[25:08] but just the whole thing about North.

[25:11] He,

[25:11] yes,

[25:12] I agree.

[25:12] The idea could work,

[25:14] but like what we've seen so far is like literally North had one dinner conversation.

[25:20] Where he wasn't the center of attention.

[25:22] Yes.

[25:22] Yeah.

[25:23] that's it.

[25:23] I'm out of here.

[25:24] I think that's,

[25:25] I think that's one of,

Elliott Kalan

[25:26] that's one of the big things is they seem to,

[25:28] for some reason they needed to make an argument as to why North's parents should pay attention to him.

[25:33] Well,

[25:33] the only way is if he's got to be the best kid in the world,

[25:36] because otherwise the audience might think North is not worthy of their attention.

[25:39] And I think it'd be,

[25:40] it's a better story if it's just a regular kid.

[25:42] If he's not the best and the smartest and the most amazing,

[25:45] it's just a rate,

Stuart Wellington

[25:45] like arguably a regular kid needs more attention.

Elliott Kalan

[25:49] Yeah,

[25:49] exactly.

[25:49] Yeah.

[25:50] Thank you.

[25:50] If a regular kid was just like,

[25:52] my parents aren't paying,

[25:53] and all these people,

[25:54] and then the joke is that everyone in the world is competing for the attention to be the parents of like,

[25:58] just a kid,

[25:59] just some kid.

[26:00] Right.

[26:00] As opposed to North who is already famous,

[26:02] it seems.

[26:03] You know.

Stuart Wellington

[26:04] Okay,

[26:05] so he,

[26:07] the judge ruled,

[26:09] the judge ruled by Alan Arkin,

[26:11] who,

[26:11] as everyone has addressed,

[26:13] is a funny performer.

[26:15] He is,

[26:16] I mean,

Elliott Kalan

[26:16] he is doing his best Christopher Lloyd in this movie.

[26:19] Alan Arkin is,

[26:20] he can really calibrate,

[26:21] and he is going big here.

[26:22] He's going as big as possible.

[26:24] But it works.

[26:24] He's a judge who's barking at people.

[26:26] And he rules,

Stuart Wellington

[26:26] he rules in favor of North,

[26:28] because North's parents are both in a catatonic state,

[26:32] I guess,

[26:32] when they got the news.

[26:34] When they find out the news,

Elliott Kalan

[26:35] they,

[26:35] they go into shock,

[26:36] and they go in,

[26:36] yeah,

[26:37] and,

[26:37] and they're,

[26:38] but they're like strapped to a board in the courtroom.

[26:40] And Alan Arkin's like,

[26:41] that his parents wouldn't even pay attention.

[26:43] And it's just a sign,

[26:43] like,

[26:44] the movie's trying so hard to be like,

[26:45] fun and cartoonish.

[26:47] But you're like,

[26:47] yeah,

[26:48] and wacky.

[26:48] But it's like,

[26:49] this is seriously,

[26:50] this is a terrible thing that's happened to his parents.

[26:53] Like,

[26:53] try to get them out of their coma.

[26:56] And then,

[26:56] and see what the,

[26:57] And yeah,

Dan McCoy

[26:57] North seems unconcerned by the fact that they are,

[27:00] yeah.

[27:01] Yeah.

[27:01] They are unable to talk or move.

Stuart Wellington

[27:04] Yeah,

[27:04] later on,

[27:04] he's like,

[27:05] my parents haven't even tried to contact me.

[27:07] It's like,

[27:07] yeah,

[27:07] dude,

[27:08] you saw them.

[27:09] They're like,

[27:09] they're like suspended animation.

[27:12] They're like Mrs. Freeze.

Elliott Kalan

[27:13] Later in the movie,

[27:14] there's a press conference when Ben Stein makes them,

[27:16] makes them an exhibit at the Smithsonian and they're encased in glass in a coma.

[27:20] So it's like,

[27:21] yeah,

[27:21] they're not getting in touch with you.

[27:22] North,

[27:23] that was,

[27:23] that was covered by the news.

[27:24] It's yeah.

[27:25] I guess it's a real,

[27:26] uh,

[27:27] North's in glass houses.

[27:28] Shouldn't throw stones.

[27:29] And the judge,

Stuart Wellington

[27:30] in addition to ruling in North's favor,

[27:31] adds a ticking clock.

[27:32] Everybody North only has until Labor Day to pick new parents,

[27:37] or decide to go back with his original parents or else he goes to an orphanage.

[27:42] And then there's like some comments about how B like,

[27:45] you know,

[27:45] living in an orphanage is terrible.

[27:46] And it's a little bit weird.

[27:48] Um,

[27:49] and so they,

[27:49] there,

Matt Singer

[27:49] there,

[27:50] there,

Matt Singer

[27:50] there,

[27:50] but the ticking clock is the whole summer.

[27:52] He has like,

[27:53] he has like an entire summer to do this.

[27:55] And it seemed like he goes to like four places and he,

[27:59] it seems like he spends like three days and the entire summer has just.

[28:03] Well,

[28:03] they make it.

Elliott Kalan

[28:04] They,

[28:04] he does spend a lot of time walking in Alaska during the.

[28:08] First of the very offensive sequences where he,

[28:11] where,

[28:11] uh,

[28:12] where brown face,

[28:13] Kathy Bates,

[28:13] the Inuit mom is,

[28:15] is taking him to push an elderly person,

[28:17] a Vigoda and brown face onto an ice float to die.

[28:20] So like,

Stuart Wellington

[28:20] they spend a ceremony that is officiated by Richard Belzer in brown face.

[28:24] Yeah.

[28:25] I mean,

Elliott Kalan

[28:25] officiated is,

[28:26] I would say he's more of the,

[28:27] he's more like the,

[28:28] the air traffic controller of the thing.

[28:30] I just keep it.

[28:30] Everyone on schedule.

[28:31] But I,

[28:31] yeah,

[28:32] the it's,

[28:32] I think,

[28:33] uh,

[28:33] that eats up a lot of that summer.

[28:34] I think that's how they,

[28:35] they explain that.

Matt Singer

[28:35] That's how we're supposed to.

[28:36] Okay.

[28:37] Cause that's the thing that's so funny.

[28:38] It's like,

[28:38] you have to do this by the end of the summer and he goes to one place.

[28:43] okay,

[28:43] he was there for literally a day.

[28:44] All right,

[28:45] fine.

[28:45] Then he goes to the next place and it seems like he's there for a day.

[28:48] And then he's like,

[28:49] I've only got 12 hours left to find my parents.

[28:52] It's like,

[28:52] we just started this.

[28:53] You have all summer.

[28:54] What's happening?

Elliott Kalan

[28:54] One thing I like about Alan Arkin's performance is he,

[28:57] even as he's declaring this seems to be like,

[29:00] also shocked at how arbitrary and unfair it is.

[29:03] He's like,

[29:04] he's like,

[29:05] he's telling him,

[29:05] but you only have to labor day or else you're going to go in an orphanage.

[29:08] And the way he says it is almost like he's getting this perverse delight out of doing the wrong thing.

[29:14] And he knows it's wrong.

[29:14] Like that's his,

[29:16] I would,

[29:16] I would rather watch the movie where Alan Arkin's judge goes home and is following North's progress,

[29:20] like on a map in his house.

[29:22] And it's just like running out of time.

[29:24] I should have given him more time.

Dan McCoy

[29:26] Your delivery of Alan Arkin's delivery made me think that maybe he was just reading the script off of cue cards for the first time.

[29:32] Yeah.

[29:32] While doing it like,

[29:33] you'll have to be in an orphanage.

[29:34] That can't be right.

Elliott Kalan

[29:35] What kind of shitty movie is this?

[29:36] It's possible.

[29:37] It's very possible.

[29:38] Yeah.

[29:39] Alan,

[29:39] Rob,

[29:40] I'll be in your movie for sure with your track records.

[29:42] No questions asked.

[29:42] Just,

[29:43] okay,

[29:43] I'm a judge.

[29:43] Okay,

[29:44] put the robes on me.

[29:45] Well,

[29:45] you're so good,

[29:45] Alan.

[29:46] You're such a good improviser.

[29:47] Let's just have you,

[29:47] we want to get your first take.

[29:49] Let's just,

[29:49] don't even read the script ahead of time.

[29:50] You got it.

[29:51] And as he's reading,

[29:52] he's like,

[29:52] should I have you hair and makeup?

Stuart Wellington

[29:54] nope,

[29:54] your hair looks crazy already.

[29:58] What's that you're carrying?

[29:59] Is that an old kettle?

Matt Singer

[30:00] Yeah.

[30:01] Bring it along.

[30:01] Why not?

[30:03] The courtroom scene also has another one of,

[30:05] I thought the worst hackiest jokes,

[30:08] which was like the,

[30:09] we've already established the parents are comatose.

[30:11] And they're,

[30:12] they're,

[30:12] they're on these boards in the courtroom.

[30:14] And,

[30:14] uh,

[30:16] you know,

[30:16] like Alan Arkin is like,

[30:17] all right,

[30:18] go ahead,

[30:18] defense.

[30:19] And the,

[30:19] and the,

[30:20] and the lawyer for the,

[30:21] for the parents who I don't think is,

[30:23] I don't recognize him.

[30:24] I don't think he's like anyone famous.

[30:25] He's just like,

[30:26] your honor,

[30:26] the defense rests.

Dan McCoy

[30:30] It's just,

[30:31] you can see it.

[30:32] Cause they're lying down.

[30:33] Like they,

Matt Singer

[30:33] they almost need like,

[30:34] like a drummer on screen doing like the little.

Elliott Kalan

[30:37] I mean,

[30:37] but the thing is,

[30:38] if it was like the Marx brothers doing that joke,

[30:40] I would laugh at how,

[30:41] I would laugh at how corny it is and they're getting away with it.

[30:43] But like,

[30:44] I guess that's when you see,

Dan McCoy

[30:45] part of it is the Marx brothers are like,

[30:48] you know,

[30:48] like do it,

[30:49] do it like airplane,

[30:50] right?

[30:50] There's like so many jokes that it doesn't matter if one sucks.

[30:54] Cause they're the greatest movie comedians of all time.

Elliott Kalan

[30:57] I mean,

[30:57] that's the other thing is the same joke in the hands of,

[31:00] of the greatest comedy performers on film.

[31:02] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[31:03] Okay.

[31:04] So,

[31:04] uh,

[31:05] North and his lawyer,

[31:06] John Levitt set up an office to receive parental applications and they come flooding in.

[31:11] Everybody wants a piece of that North.

[31:13] And,

[31:14] uh,

[31:14] he starts flying around to visit prospective parents.

[31:17] And those first parents are located in Texas,

[31:21] America,

[31:21] and they are cartoonishly Texan played by Dan Aykroyd and Reba McIntyre,

[31:29] baby.

[31:29] The most,

Matt Singer

[31:29] the most Texas person you could think of.

[31:33] Dan Aykroyd.

Dan McCoy

[31:35] Apparently it was supposed to be John Candy.

[31:37] And then he dropped out.

[31:39] Not that that's more Texan.

[31:41] Cause he's from Canada,

[31:42] but,

[31:43] uh,

Elliott Kalan

[31:43] just as he's from the same place.

[31:45] Dan Aykroyd is from Canada.

[31:46] I mean,

[31:46] they're even different parts of Canada,

[31:47] but who,

[31:48] who would be the most Texan person you can imagine?

[31:51] I mean,

[31:51] like if ever a part called for modern day MC Ganey,

[31:54] but I don't know what he was doing in 1994,

[31:56] you know,

Stuart Wellington

[31:57] I mean,

[31:57] at the time,

[31:58] maybe like,

[31:58] from,

[31:59] I feel like,

[32:00] uh,

[32:00] I feel like Burt Reynolds or somebody,

[32:02] right?

Elliott Kalan

[32:04] Sam Shepard.

[32:06] That would be amazing if it was Sam Shepard.

[32:09] And he's just so,

[32:11] he's delivering all the same lines,

[32:12] but so dry.

[32:13] So crusty.

[32:14] Just very dry.

[32:15] Yeah.

[32:16] That would be so funny.

Stuart Wellington

[32:18] Now,

[32:18] luckily,

[32:19] I mean,

[32:19] Reba McIntyre is here and Reba,

[32:21] I feel like Reba injects a fair amount of life to it.

[32:24] Like maybe it's just cause I love her in these like crazy,

[32:27] like,

[32:28] uh,

[32:28] like musical theater,

[32:30] rich person,

[32:31] cowboy outfits.

[32:33] Uh,

[32:33] and she's obviously,

[32:34] uh,

[32:35] you know,

[32:35] a great singer.

[32:36] No,

[32:37] Reba comes off very well in this movie.

[32:39] I mean,

[32:39] this,

Dan McCoy

[32:40] this sequence comparably to the rest of the movie is kind of fun.

[32:44] There's singing,

[32:45] there's dancing.

[32:46] He gives,

[32:46] uh,

[32:46] Dan Eckwood gives,

[32:47] uh,

[32:48] Elijah Wood North,

[32:49] uh,

[32:49] the Houston Astros as a gift.

[32:51] Uh,

[32:52] that's fun.

Elliott Kalan

[32:52] I think,

[32:53] I think this,

[32:53] this definitely is the,

[32:55] if this was the starting point and then the movie heightened in,

[32:58] in humor from this point on,

[33:00] the movie,

[33:00] you'd be like,

[33:01] okay,

[33:01] that was a,

[33:01] that was a fun start.

[33:02] Now it's getting,

[33:03] but unfortunately this is like the best of the,

[33:04] of the parent ones.

[33:06] It's maybe it's just because the stereotype of a rich Texan is not one that makes my tummy hurt compared to the other ones.

Stuart Wellington

[33:12] Yeah.

[33:13] And the,

[33:14] uh,

[33:15] the,

[33:15] so he,

[33:16] he pretty quickly susses out that these Texans are just trying to,

[33:19] they just want North to replace their large dead son.

[33:23] I guess they have a son.

[33:24] There is a strange undercurrent.

Matt Singer

[33:26] And yeah,

[33:26] there's some weird stuff in this scene.

[33:28] It's not as offensive,

[33:29] but it is weird.

[33:30] It's weird.

[33:31] They're,

[33:31] they're,

[33:31] they're force feeding him.

[33:33] they really want it.

[33:33] They talk about how he has to,

[33:36] uh,

[33:36] he has to grow his,

[33:38] we have to stretch your stomach and pretty soon your capacity will,

[33:42] for food will grow and grow.

Stuart Wellington

[33:44] It's like somebody was trying to write a screenplay based on a Roald Dahl book,

[33:47] but didn't like it,

[33:48] consider the like dark comedy of it.

[33:51] And we're just like,

[33:51] no,

[33:52] it's just normal comedy.

[33:52] Right.

Matt Singer

[33:53] A couple of pages from a,

Elliott Kalan

[33:56] Oh yeah.

[33:57] Sorry.

[33:57] You say,

Matt Singer

[33:58] yeah,

[33:58] I was just going to say is their,

[33:59] their old son could eat a lot.

[34:00] So they're trying to replace him.

[34:02] And so they need to,

[34:03] I guess,

[34:03] fatten up North.

[34:04] And then they sing the song they sing,

[34:06] which is sort of cute that they go into a whole,

[34:09] the musical number,

[34:10] musical number.

[34:11] It's about their dead son being trampled in a stampede.

[34:14] It's just very bizarre.

[34:15] I'm not saying it's good or bad.

[34:16] Just very,

[34:17] Just like there's,

[34:18] it's almost a Lynchian quality of strangeness.

[34:22] That's happening.

[34:22] It is.

Elliott Kalan

[34:23] It is.

[34:23] If this was a scene in nothing but trouble,

[34:25] instead of the scene where Chevy chase imagines that Dan Aykroyd's nose is a penis for some reason,

[34:30] you'd be like,

[34:31] okay,

[34:31] yeah,

[34:31] I guess this makes sense.

[34:32] The family's obsessed with their dead kid and they're trying to replicate them in some way.

[34:35] This is the kind of thing that,

[34:36] that those weirdos would do.

[34:38] And what was the name of that town?

[34:40] Valkenvania.

[34:41] Yeah.

[34:41] Valkenvania.

[34:41] But instead it's in North where like a,

[34:44] like Alan Zweibel got hit in the head with a Grimm's fairy tales book and,

[34:47] and had to inject this kind of like strange force feeding a child element to it.

[34:51] Otherwise,

[34:51] other than that,

[34:53] best,

[34:53] best family scene in the movie.

[34:55] Best of the parent auditions in the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[34:57] So right before the musical number,

[34:59] this is where North runs into,

[35:01] uh,

[35:02] this,

[35:02] the,

[35:02] the second appearance by Bruce Willis.

[35:04] And that's when we're starting to figure like,

[35:06] you gotta assume something's up.

[35:07] Like he must be traveling down the,

[35:10] what,

[35:10] like 77 steps to sleep.

[35:12] Like he is traveling on,

[35:13] he's on a dream journey to unknown Kadath.

[35:16] Uh,

[35:16] and he bumps into Bruce Willis.

[35:18] Uh,

[35:18] and he,

[35:19] uh,

[35:19] and he,

[35:19] uh,

Stuart Wellington

[35:19] does not go by the same name.

[35:21] He just has never met North.

[35:23] He,

[35:23] again,

[35:24] is speaking with a,

[35:25] let's say questionable,

[35:25] uh,

[35:26] Texas accent.

[35:27] Uh,

[35:28] and,

[35:29] uh,

[35:29] he gives North a little bit of advice of which I don't remember at this point.

[35:33] Um,

[35:34] Uh,

Elliott Kalan

[35:35] he just helps him decide that this isn't the right family.

[35:38] This isn't the right fit.

[35:39] Maybe he should move on that.

[35:40] He,

[35:40] he wants to be loved for himself and not,

[35:42] not as a replacement or as a member of the replacements,

[35:45] which they should have made North so that they can make a joke where he's like,

[35:48] just cause I'm a member of the replacements doesn't mean I want to be a replacement for your son.

[35:51] And then the replacements show up and play some of their hits.

Matt Singer

[35:54] Yep.

[35:55] Yep.

[35:56] About dead sons being trampled in stampedes.

[35:58] Yeah.

[35:59] I mean,

[35:59] they play the same song,

Elliott Kalan

[36:00] I guess,

[36:00] but like replacement style.

Dan McCoy

[36:01] I mean,

[36:01] they're not allowed to,

[36:02] if they're not allowed to be on Saturday night live.

[36:04] Replacement style means very drunk.

[36:06] Yeah,

[36:06] yeah,

[36:07] exactly.

[36:07] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[36:07] So,

[36:08] so,

Stuart Wellington

[36:08] uh,

[36:10] of course,

[36:11] despite a musical number,

[36:12] North says,

[36:13] no,

[36:13] he turns them down and,

[36:15] uh,

[36:16] we get a glimpse of what's going on back home.

[36:18] There's like a full on like kid revolution.

[36:20] It's like this,

[36:21] like Nickelodeon fucking nightmare where the kids are now in charge.

[36:27] Parents have to do whatever they say.

[36:28] And Winchell is at the heart of it.

[36:30] And his,

[36:31] uh,

[36:31] and his,

[36:32] I guess,

[36:32] muscle is John Lovitz.

[36:34] The lawyer.

[36:35] Yeah.

[36:35] Winchell is the brains behind the operation and he,

[36:37] they're raking in the box.

[36:41] It is very strange.

Dan McCoy

[36:42] This Winchell character,

[36:43] like I hated him from the moment he just showed up and not realizing he was supposed to be the

[36:48] villain just because he,

[36:49] I found the performance sort of off putting,

[36:52] but that's because the,

[36:54] well,

[36:54] I don't,

[36:54] you know,

[36:54] I'm harsh.

[36:55] You know,

[36:55] he's a child,

[36:57] Dan,

[36:57] he's a child,

[36:58] but allow me to explain that.

[37:00] I,

[37:00] I do not like movies where the only joke of a character appears to be like,

[37:04] this child is acting as if adult and an adult might,

[37:07] you know,

[37:07] and this is like,

[37:08] like,

[37:09] yeah,

[37:09] I think you said that that goes,

Stuart Wellington

[37:11] that's,

[37:11] it's,

[37:11] that's slightly worse than wrapping grannies,

[37:14] right?

Elliott Kalan

[37:15] I mean,

[37:16] to be,

[37:16] to be honest,

[37:17] that is in my ranking of like jokes.

[37:20] I do not like the number one,

[37:22] pretty much.

[37:22] I mean,

[37:23] other than jokes that are harmful to people.

[37:24] The number one is like,

[37:26] I didn't expect that character to sound like that kind of person to sound like that.

[37:30] So like wrapping grannies,

[37:31] really adult sounding kids,

[37:33] sensitive bikers,

[37:34] like any of that garbage,

[37:35] you know,

[37:35] that's,

[37:36] that's a personal pet peeve of mine.

[37:38] That being said,

[37:39] cause he liked to judge books by their cover,

[37:40] right?

[37:41] Yeah,

[37:41] exactly.

[37:42] I like,

[37:42] I like people,

[37:43] cause I just,

[37:44] I don't like the idea that it's like,

[37:44] you don't conform to my expectations about what you would sound like.

[37:48] That being said,

[37:49] I do love the moment in,

[37:50] in gentlemen's prefer blondes,

[37:52] where they ask that,

[37:53] where the two,

[37:54] the,

[37:54] where the two ladies ask the kid,

[37:56] how old is he?

[37:56] And he goes,

[37:56] old enough to appreciate a fine woman.

[37:59] Or appreciate a beautiful woman.

[38:00] And that's the only line he pretty much has.

[38:02] It's like that,

[38:03] that character got turned into a,

[38:05] into the,

[38:05] the villain of the movie.

[38:07] Yeah.

[38:07] So it is,

[38:07] it is a lot of like,

[38:08] like,

[38:10] it's,

[38:10] it,

[38:10] this is the character,

[38:11] that feels the most like,

[38:12] Cohen's esque to me.

[38:13] This kind of like fast talking,

[38:15] old timey reporter kid who is,

[38:17] who turns into Lex Luthor,

[38:18] basically.

Stuart Wellington

[38:19] Mm hmm.

[38:20] Uh,

[38:21] yeah.

[38:21] So,

[38:22] uh,

[38:22] North's next stop is to Hawaii,

[38:25] where the governor of Hawaii and his wife are making a big pitch for North to join their family.

[38:30] And we get,

[38:31] uh,

[38:31] we're treated to a,

[38:33] uh,

[38:33] a series of jokes all about Hawaiian culture.

Elliott Kalan

[38:37] I mean,

[38:38] like,

[38:39] poi and stuff like that.

[38:41] It's not,

[38:41] it's,

[38:42] you know,

[38:42] not that I want them to do a real in-depth look at what it's like to live in Hawaii,

[38:45] but it,

[38:46] it is like tourist Hawaii,

[38:47] you know,

Dan McCoy

[38:47] this is,

[38:48] I will say though,

[38:49] like,

[38:49] in,

[38:49] in the other scenarios that come later,

[38:52] like,

[38:52] it feels like the thing that makes North think like,

[38:57] these are not the parents for me are all like,

[39:00] uh,

[39:00] stereotypes specific to that culture.

[39:04] Whereas here in Hawaii,

[39:06] the thing that bothers him is not like culture related.

[39:09] It's just that he,

[39:10] they want him to,

[39:11] uh,

[39:12] be like the tourism,

[39:13] uh,

[39:15] ad for Hawaii.

[39:16] And it's like a copper tone.

[39:17] Copper tone takeoff where like his shorts are being pulled down by an octopus.

[39:23] So his butt crack is visible.

[39:25] He keeps talking about his crack.

Elliott Kalan

[39:26] He won't stop talking about his goddamn crack.

[39:29] This is,

[39:29] this is,

[39:30] this is the strongest memory I have from seeing the movie.

[39:32] The two strongest memories I have from seeing the movie as a kid were him saying my crack.

[39:37] And as a kid,

[39:37] I never used the word crack to talk about my butt.

[39:40] And so it was just like,

[39:41] it felt very weird to hear him say my,

[39:43] my,

[39:44] but what about my crack over and over again?

[39:46] It just like,

[39:46] and it's not funny.

[39:47] It's never funny.

[39:48] You know,

Matt Singer

[39:49] it seems like it must've been a different word.

[39:52] And because it is sort of a movie for kids,

[39:54] someone made them change it.

[39:56] Well,

[39:56] what can he say that won't get us an,

[39:58] uh,

[39:58] an R rating or a PG 13 or whatever?

[40:00] He's like,

[40:01] well,

[40:01] he could say crack.

[40:02] Okay.

[40:02] Say crack over and over.

[40:04] But in the script,

Stuart Wellington

[40:04] it very clearly says turd cutter.

[40:07] Can he not say turd cutter?

Elliott Kalan

[40:09] So,

[40:09] uh,

[40:09] we went to standards and practices and we have the list of acceptable words.

[40:12] There's cleft,

[40:14] divide,

[40:15] crevice,

[40:16] crack.

[40:17] You know what?

[40:18] Crack is fine.

[40:18] I don't even want to go farther down the,

[40:19] down the list.

[40:20] And Rob Reiner's like,

[40:21] Alan,

[40:21] maybe we should go with crevice.

[40:22] And Alan's like,

[40:23] no,

[40:23] crack has more comedy K's.

[40:25] Let's go with that one.

[40:26] Can we,

[40:27] what about,

Stuart Wellington

[40:27] what about shit split?

[40:28] Can we do that?

Matt Singer

[40:31] In,

[40:32] in,

[40:32] can we,

[40:32] I mean,

[40:33] in North's defense,

[40:33] that billboard is weird.

[40:35] It's weird.

[40:35] It's very weird.

[40:36] It's very weird.

[40:37] Very bizarre.

[40:39] You know,

[40:39] they're like,

[40:40] here you go.

[40:40] Here's a billboard of your tush.

[40:42] Right up on,

[40:43] you know,

Dan McCoy

[40:43] you're the copper tone baby.

[40:45] So creepy to watch.

[40:46] Cause it's like a motorized billboard too.

[40:48] Like the,

[40:49] right.

[40:49] The octopus keeps pulling down North's pants to continually reveal his crack.

[40:54] But if you look at it in a certain way,

Stuart Wellington

[40:56] the octopus is constantly pushing up those pants.

[40:59] Yeah.

[41:00] Don't have to see his little butthole.

Elliott Kalan

[41:02] Maybe his,

[41:02] his bathing suit is too big.

[41:04] And the octopus is like,

[41:04] let me help you here.

[41:05] Yeah.

[41:06] Yeah.

Matt Singer

[41:06] Crack half empty or is the crack half full?

[41:09] You have to look at it that way.

Elliott Kalan

[41:10] Now I want to see the outtakes now where they're like,

[41:12] Stuart's saying they're using the other words.

[41:14] my balloon knot.

Stuart Wellington

[41:16] Yeah.

[41:16] And I mean,

[41:18] in,

[41:18] in the octopus defense,

[41:20] it is a kraken.

[41:22] Oh,

[41:23] wow.

[41:24] Save those jokes for North too.

[41:27] Jordan,

[41:28] don't edit that out.

[41:30] Accentuate it,

[41:30] please.

[41:31] I think the kraken's more of a squid,

Dan McCoy

[41:32] but I still appreciate it.

Elliott Kalan

[41:34] Yeah,

[41:34] Dan,

[41:34] the real krakens are more like squids.

[41:36] You're right.

[41:36] The real ones that exist in the sea.

[41:38] Yeah.

[41:39] Thanks for fact checking Stuart on that one.

[41:41] Thanks,

Stuart Wellington

[41:41] Balen Greyjoy.

Elliott Kalan

[41:43] Okay.

[41:44] Now,

[41:45] Jordan,

[41:45] take,

[41:46] and I want you to,

[41:46] after Stuart said kraken,

[41:48] put in a soundbite of Liam Neeson saying,

[41:50] release the kraken.

[41:51] And then with Dan,

[41:52] put in a,

[41:53] put in the same soundbite,

[41:54] but instead of kraken,

[41:55] have Liam Neeson say pedant.

[41:57] So can you get Liam Neeson to do that for us?

[41:59] That'd be great.

[41:59] Thank you.

[42:00] He's probably busy getting revenge on somebody right now.

[42:03] You'll track him down.

Stuart Wellington

[42:03] So North wanders off.

[42:05] He bumps into Bruce Willis,

[42:06] who is now like some kind of OG beach bum.

[42:09] Who's like,

[42:09] kind of like a weird beach hippie.

[42:12] And he's got a metal detector.

[42:13] He's got a metal detector.

Matt Singer

[42:15] They also walk by those guys,

[42:17] like the guy that used to do the,

[42:18] like the aerobics show on ESPN out of nowhere.

[42:22] do you guys,

[42:22] do you remember watching that show?

[42:24] No.

Elliott Kalan

[42:25] I had,

[42:26] I had,

[42:27] I was not really that into fitness when I was young.

[42:30] Well,

Matt Singer

[42:30] as you can,

[42:31] as I'm sure you can all tell just by looking at me,

[42:33] I was,

[42:33] I loved fitness and fitness shows as a child.

Elliott Kalan

[42:36] The fact that you're a beast now.

[42:37] Yeah,

[42:37] sure.

Matt Singer

[42:38] Yeah.

[42:38] Yes.

[42:38] I'm ripped and shredded.

[42:39] That's,

[42:40] you know,

[42:40] it's a podcast.

[42:41] So they'll just have to trust me.

[42:42] But I mean,

Dan McCoy

[42:42] you're as close to ripped and shredded as someone who regularly eats all of the novelty tie in food items.

[42:50] I can't believe we didn't talk about that,

Elliott Kalan

[42:51] that this may be your last podcast appearance since probably the dune breakfast at Denny's is kind of like,

[42:56] they're going to turn Denny's into Dooney's for a month and it's all,

[42:59] every item on the menu is going to be dune themed and you're going to have to eat them all.

[43:03] It's like giant sandworm food.

[43:04] Yeah.

[43:05] You won't go,

Stuart Wellington

[43:06] you won't go Brokaw from these deals.

Elliott Kalan

[43:09] I mean,

[43:09] I don't know if Denny's would do a joke based off our bit that Tom Brokaw loves Dooney's.

[43:14] You mean Dooney's?

[43:16] Yeah,

[43:16] Dooney's.

[43:16] Dooney's has like,

[43:18] that has like the maker sausage and it's like a sandworm of sausages tied together and you're going to have to eat it.

[43:24] Oh man.

[43:24] Oh,

[43:25] and you know,

[43:25] it's going to be spiced.

Stuart Wellington

[43:27] Well,

[43:27] now you know how.

Elliott Kalan

[43:30] I guess I have to put these chips into this mod dip.

[43:34] Okay.

Matt Singer

[43:37] Well,

[43:38] now you know how I keep my incredible figure despite eating all that as I watch Body by Killah.

[43:43] Oh,

[43:43] there's got to be some.

[43:44] But anyway,

[43:44] that's just such random nonsense in this movie.

[43:48] Like,

[43:48] that guy,

[43:49] there has to be someone,

[43:50] I can't be the only person who's going to be listening to this podcast,

[43:53] who knows that,

[43:54] that,

[43:55] it's just like this ripped Israeli guy who hosted like a fitness show on ESPN for like 20 years.

[44:00] And they're just,

[44:01] he's just randomly in the movie.

[44:02] And they're just,

Elliott Kalan

[44:03] they're just there for Bruce Willis to make a joke for him about how it's,

[44:06] it's fool.

[44:07] Why waste your time working out?

Matt Singer

[44:08] Right.

[44:08] You know,

[44:09] right.

[44:09] Yeah.

[44:09] It's all,

[44:10] it's like a very long way to go for that one.

Stuart Wellington

[44:12] Which having spent like the last year,

[44:15] spending a lot of time stretching and working out and trying to get in shape only to have my back collapse on me.

[44:21] And then I'm stuck watching North.

[44:23] I kind of agree with Bruce Willis.

Elliott Kalan

[44:25] Yeah.

[44:26] Now to get back to the important stuff,

[44:28] Matt,

[44:29] how are you going to deal with when you sit down at Dooney's having to order the gumja burger,

[44:32] which is a hamburger with chewing gum on it.

[44:35] You're not even supposed to swallow that,

[44:37] but it's supposed to,

[44:38] it's a test whether you,

[44:40] whether you can survive the pain of,

[44:41] of eating it just like the original gumja bar.

[44:44] How are you going to handle that?

[44:45] What's your strategy?

Matt Singer

[44:48] It's going to be bad.

[44:49] It's going to be real bad.

[44:50] I'm getting nervous.

[44:51] I'm starting to sweat just sitting here thinking that someone might actually do this after this,

[44:56] make a Dune menu.

Dan McCoy

[44:58] Elliot,

[44:59] every time you say Dooney's,

[45:00] I think of like a Dune version of the Goonies.

[45:04] I mean,

[45:04] they're,

Stuart Wellington

[45:04] they're not that different.

Dan McCoy

[45:06] Dooney's never the same cast and they got to get the spice to save the Dune docks.

[45:09] Yeah.

[45:10] I mean,

Stuart Wellington

[45:10] and in,

[45:10] and in the,

[45:11] and in the,

[45:11] at Dooney's,

[45:12] you also wash down your meal with a hearty glass of,

[45:15] uh,

[45:16] Navigator Raid.

Elliott Kalan

[45:18] Oh,

[45:19] nice.

Stuart Wellington

[45:19] Yep.

[45:20] Yep.

[45:20] Sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[45:21] It just took me a while to figure that one out.

[45:23] Or some,

[45:23] or some,

[45:24] or a glass of mint tea.

[45:25] Yeah,

[45:25] sure.

[45:26] Uh,

[45:26] now the other thing is if you,

[45:27] the gum,

[45:28] the gumja burger is also at McDonald's.

[45:30] Multiple restaurants are doing Dune tie-in menus.

[45:34] Deal with it,

[45:35] Matt.

[45:35] You got to eat them all.

[45:36] That's what I,

Matt Singer

[45:37] I have to.

[45:37] I have no choice.

[45:39] You have to.

Elliott Kalan

[45:40] That's,

[45:41] that was the deal you made with the devil.

[45:42] You would make a living as a,

[45:45] as a film critic,

[45:46] but in exchange,

[45:46] you'd have to eat all the movie tie-in food.

[45:48] Yep.

[45:49] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[45:49] So meanwhile,

[45:50] back,

[45:50] back at home,

[45:51] did we ever figure out exactly where North lives?

[45:54] Uh,

[45:54] Anytown USA.

[45:55] Anytown USA.

[45:56] It's,

Elliott Kalan

[45:56] uh,

[45:57] he doesn't live.

[45:58] Is it like New Jersey or something?

[45:59] He,

[45:59] I think he does live in New Jersey because they,

[46:02] but then he's again at New Jersey later,

[46:04] but he's in upstate New York.

[46:05] Anyway,

[46:05] he goes to Bowcraft Amusement Park.

[46:06] So like he's probably,

[46:08] he's in New Jersey because as everyone knows in the commercials,

[46:10] Bowcraft Amusement Park,

[46:11] it all began over 50 years ago.

[46:12] Rides and games straight as narrow.

[46:14] Rides and games for kids in every age.

[46:16] Uh,

[46:17] something park in a video arcade.

[46:19] Damn,

[46:19] I can't remember the jingle for Bowcraft Amusement Park.

[46:21] And I watched it so many times as a kid.

[46:22] And it's,

Stuart Wellington

[46:22] and that's not Action Park,

[46:24] right?

[46:24] It's not,

[46:25] no.

Elliott Kalan

[46:25] Action Park is a very different place than Bowcraft.

[46:27] Did you guys ever go to Action Park?

[46:29] Yes.

[46:30] Oh yes.

[46:30] Yeah.

[46:30] Action Park was where you would go when the summer camp didn't have the money for Dorney Park that year.

Stuart Wellington

[46:35] Did I already,

[46:35] I feel like I must've recommended,

[46:37] uh,

[46:37] Class Action Park here on the show before.

[46:39] The,

[46:39] the,

[46:40] the documentary about it that has,

[46:42] uh,

[46:42] Hodgman doing the narration.

[46:44] Uh,

[46:45] I haven't,

Elliott Kalan

[46:46] you might have,

[46:46] I haven't watched it and I've been meaning to,

[46:48] cause I want to see if I recognize much of it.

Dan McCoy

[46:50] You know,

[46:51] when I watched it,

[46:51] I was like,

[46:52] okay,

[46:53] I like,

[46:53] I walked into it thinking like,

[46:54] oh,

[46:54] I'll know what this is.

[46:55] You know,

[46:56] it's a dangerous park,

[46:57] whatever.

[46:57] Like,

[46:57] I mean,

[46:57] I'll,

[46:58] I had a sense like,

[46:59] oh,

[46:59] it's a,

[46:59] it'll be a funny documentary about a dangerous park.

[47:01] I was not prepared for how dangerous the park is.

[47:06] I mean,

[47:06] the amazing thing is though,

Elliott Kalan

[47:07] and it's not like,

[47:08] it's not like that came out later.

[47:10] At the time,

[47:10] everyone knew that Action Park was a dangerous place to go.

[47:13] Like,

[47:13] we would talk about it all the time about what,

[47:15] what the,

[47:15] the latest injury was.

[47:16] Yeah.

[47:17] Did you guys,

[47:17] did you guys ever go?

[47:19] Yeah.

[47:20] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[47:20] Did you ever get injured?

[47:22] I mean,

[47:22] is that why,

[47:23] yeah.

[47:23] Is that why you have that crazy road rash scar?

Matt Singer

[47:25] It was,

[47:26] you could always tell which rides were the dangerous ones.

[47:28] Like if a,

[47:29] like if a water slide had a loop in it,

[47:31] you knew not to go on that.

[47:33] That's not a safe ride.

[47:34] No.

[47:35] Sure.

[47:35] So I would avoid those,

[47:36] but I actually,

[47:36] I don't,

[47:37] I lost my glasses on one of like the slides.

[47:39] It was like such a wild,

[47:40] like ride that my glasses blew off.

[47:43] Yeah.

[47:44] On the ride.

[47:44] And I came out and I was like 12 years old going,

[47:47] and then I was lucky somebody found them.

Dan McCoy

[47:50] Oh,

[47:50] okay.

[47:51] I thought you were going to buy the,

[47:52] buy the t-shirt.

[47:53] I lost my glasses at Action Park.

[47:55] Sorry,

[47:55] Stuart.

[47:55] I feel like,

Stuart Wellington

[47:56] I feel like that's the sort of thing that the teens working the rides would be

[47:59] super sympathetic about.

Elliott Kalan

[48:01] Yeah.

[48:02] Oh,

[48:02] great.

[48:02] Glasses.

[48:03] Okay.

[48:03] Nerd.

[48:03] Yeah,

[48:03] sure.

[48:04] My wife,

Stuart Wellington

[48:05] Charlene went a couple of times and she said her favorite part was at the end of like

[48:09] the tube slide.

[48:10] As soon as that you come out of like the tube and you're riding on the inner tube,

[48:14] the kids working there would just get out from under you.

[48:17] Yeah.

[48:17] Cause they got to get,

[48:18] they don't have that many tubes.

Elliott Kalan

[48:19] They're going to give it to the next person.

[48:21] Oh man.

[48:21] Yeah.

[48:21] She'll tell that story way better.

[48:23] The trips there were usually a lot of daring each other to go on things and then not,

[48:27] you know,

[48:27] uh,

[48:28] the reason I bring out that it's Bowcraft though,

[48:30] is purely as an excuse for me to talk about a different jingle from commercials from the

[48:34] New Jersey region.

[48:34] And that's for the Westchester County fair rides and attractions,

[48:37] nonstop action shows animals,

[48:38] fireworks too,

[48:39] about the most fun thing you can do.

[48:40] So Bowcraft amusement park and the Westchester County fair are both tied together in my

[48:44] minds as the jingles for places to go.

[48:47] So that was just a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a

[48:50] Well,

[48:51] of course there's beautiful amount of,

[48:51] cause all you have to bring is your love of everything.

[48:53] Beautiful Mount Airy lodge.

[48:56] So that's for,

[48:57] that was my latest edition of regional Northeastern commercial,

[49:02] regional Northeastern location commercial roundup.

[49:06] Okay.

[49:06] So back next time,

[49:07] we'll tell you about,

[49:08] ah,

[49:09] raceway park.

Stuart Wellington

[49:10] That's another one.

[49:11] Back home.

[49:12] The kids revolution has kind of swayed entirely in favor of the kids.

[49:16] Uh,

[49:17] I think we get kind of a state of what's going on while Winchell and John

[49:21] Lovitz are getting,

[49:22] uh,

[49:23] massages and,

[49:24] uh,

[49:25] treats.

[49:26] I think they're getting like sodas and,

[49:28] uh,

[49:28] I think John Lovitz gets us.

[49:29] Yeah.

[49:30] He gets the sex on the beach.

Elliott Kalan

[49:32] Well,

[49:32] now what is now Stuart,

[49:33] you're a bartender.

[49:34] What is a sex on the beach?

[49:35] I don't really know what's in it.

Stuart Wellington

[49:37] Uh,

Elliott Kalan

[49:38] you know what used condoms and sand.

[49:40] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[49:41] Sand.

[49:41] You know,

[49:42] to be honest,

[49:43] I,

[49:43] it's one of those drinks that,

[49:44] uh,

[49:45] I feel like Dan could probably answer this better than me.

[49:47] Cause every time I,

[49:49] somebody asks for it,

[49:49] I just say that we don't have the right ingredients,

[49:51] but I think it's probably,

[49:52] we don't have like peach schnapps or some shit,

[49:54] but it's like rum,

[49:55] peach schnapps and like,

[49:56] I don't know,

[49:57] pineapple juice.

[49:58] Dan,

[49:58] do you know?

Dan McCoy

[49:58] That is not one that,

[50:00] I mean,

[50:00] I,

[50:00] I do a lot of tropical drinks,

[50:01] but I know which ones to stay away from.

[50:03] And that was one that I don't know.

[50:05] Call myself a bartender.

Elliott Kalan

[50:07] Yeah.

[50:07] Now what's a fuzzy navel though?

[50:09] Is that the same thing or is that something different?

Dan McCoy

[50:10] That is peach schnapps and I believe orange juice,

[50:13] but I'm not sure.

[50:14] Now what's a Harvey Wallbanger?

[50:15] Is that the same thing?

Stuart Wellington

[50:17] Jesus Christ.

[50:17] Stop asking all these like stupid ass drinks.

Elliott Kalan

[50:20] I learned.

[50:21] These are the drinks that like,

[50:22] these are the drinks that like got mentioned on sitcoms when I was a kid.

[50:25] So I never knew what they were,

Stuart Wellington

[50:26] but what about a slow,

[50:27] comfortable screw against the wall?

[50:29] Like,

[50:29] no,

[50:29] thanks.

[50:32] I say,

[50:33] get out of here.

[50:34] Get out of here.

[50:34] Stu has no,

Elliott Kalan

[50:35] no patience.

[50:37] No time.

[50:37] Literally the only drink I know what it is,

[50:40] is a screwdriver.

[50:40] Only because in that one episode of faulty towers,

[50:42] the guy is yelling at,

[50:43] at John Cleese about what a screwdriver is.

[50:45] That's also why I know that there's grapes and nuts in a Waldorf salad.

Stuart Wellington

[50:49] So the next family that North visits is,

[50:55] are you,

[50:55] this might be one of the lowest points of the movie.

[50:58] He goes to Alaska,

[50:59] which is this Hoth like tundra.

[51:01] And the family is a,

[51:04] is an,

[51:05] I'm guessing an Inuit family played by Graham green and Kathy Bates.

[51:10] And the grandfather is played by a Vigoda and they live in like a big igloo

[51:15] that has like,

[51:17] uh,

[51:17] all the comforts of an American home,

[51:19] but like disguised in like ice and shit.

Elliott Kalan

[51:22] It's like,

[51:22] it's like a,

[51:23] it's like an American fifties suburb,

[51:25] but everything's made out of snow.

[51:26] It's like the Flintstones.

Matt Singer

[51:28] If the Flintstones was set in like,

[51:31] yeah.

[51:31] And like an Inuit village,

[51:32] it's like cartoonish,

[51:33] like,

[51:34] like,

[51:35] uh,

[51:35] igloos and everything is made out of ice.

Elliott Kalan

[51:38] And there's a guy like mowing the snow as they walk by.

[51:40] And that was the one joke in the whole sequence where I was like,

[51:42] that's kind of a funny idea,

Matt Singer

[51:43] but there's even like a random joke where they were like,

[51:47] I didn't even notice.

[51:48] It's the first time I saw this.

[51:49] Cause God help me.

[51:50] I've now seen this movie twice in like the last couple of months,

[51:52] like where the,

[51:54] the plane like skids.

[51:56] And then there's like a joke about,

[51:57] well,

[51:58] while we're skidding,

[51:59] we'll show you another feature length movie.

[52:02] It's,

[52:02] I mean,

[52:03] it's not funny when I say it.

[52:04] And it's not funny.

Elliott Kalan

[52:05] I swear it's in the movie.

[52:07] They literally,

[52:07] they're literally sitting in the living room of this igloo and they just

[52:09] whistle the Andy Griffith theme for a little while.

[52:12] And it was like,

[52:12] I don't,

[52:13] this,

[52:14] this is entering Tim and Eric level,

[52:15] like non-humor where like,

[52:17] is the joke that this is just an awkward moment for North to sit

Stuart Wellington

[52:20] through?

[52:20] Like,

[52:20] I don't,

[52:22] So you would think,

[52:23] you would think that North would be put off by the cold or the other

[52:26] things,

[52:27] but no,

[52:27] he's put off by the tradition of putting their elders out on an ice

[52:32] flow to die.

Elliott Kalan

[52:34] Here's,

[52:34] which,

[52:35] I mean,

[52:35] the only thing less accurate than that is the fact that Kathy Bates,

[52:38] I mean,

[52:39] also playing an Inuit when she is not,

[52:40] is doing a sampler cross stitch of penguins,

[52:43] which is nuts.

[52:44] Those are Antarctic birds.

[52:46] That one,

[52:47] why would it,

[52:47] why would an Alaskan have anything to do with penguins?

[52:50] Dan,

[52:50] answer me this,

[52:51] answer me,

[52:52] tell me,

[52:52] I'm mad about it.

[52:53] I mean,

Dan McCoy

[52:53] penguins are pretty cute.

[52:54] I could see having penguin decor.

[52:56] That's a good point.

[52:56] My son loves penguins and he lives in Los Angeles.

Elliott Kalan

[52:58] Okay.

[52:58] Yeah.

[52:58] Fair point.

Dan McCoy

[52:59] Okay.

[52:59] Yeah.

[52:59] Penguins are great.

[53:01] So yes,

[53:02] there are,

[53:02] there's a one native American actor and two white actors.

[53:08] And it,

[53:08] it seems weird.

[53:09] Cause it's like,

[53:10] well,

[53:10] you knew,

[53:11] you knew good enough to,

[53:12] to cast Graham green movie,

[53:14] but you didn't go with that any further.

[53:17] But also,

[53:18] yes,

[53:18] this setting the elders out to die on an ice flow.

[53:23] You know,

[53:24] I looked into this just to like,

[53:27] you know,

[53:27] like,

Elliott Kalan

[53:27] see if it was a viable option for your family.

Dan McCoy

[53:29] Yeah.

[53:30] And,

[53:30] um,

[53:31] uh,

[53:32] the,

[53:32] the widespread practice of doing this is a complete myth.

[53:36] There,

[53:36] there,

[53:37] there were some Inuit who in times of,

[53:40] uh,

[53:40] famine would,

[53:42] uh,

[53:43] you know,

[53:43] like leave the elders behind because they were unable to feed them and they were the,

[53:48] the oldest,

[53:48] but as a larger cultural thing,

[53:51] this is just a,

[53:52] uh,

[53:52] a racist stereotype about,

[53:54] uh,

[53:55] the Inuit people.

[53:56] You're,

Elliott Kalan

[53:56] you're saying that in real life,

[53:58] they wouldn't take a number and then wait until Richard Belzer called their number and push them off onto an ice flow with a lazy boy and a TV.

Dan McCoy

[54:04] I don't know if that the,

[54:05] the,

[54:05] the North thing is inaccurate.

[54:07] I'm saying the larger stereotype.

[54:09] No,

[54:09] but that,

[54:09] that,

Elliott Kalan

[54:10] that also that like,

[54:10] it is a,

[54:11] it's a larger stereotype.

[54:12] That's not true.

[54:13] That the only,

[54:14] the only root of it you're saying comes from tragedy comes from,

[54:17] comes from personal tragedy of famine,

[54:19] but it is,

[54:20] it is through the filter of,

[54:22] of history and humor.

[54:23] It,

[54:23] it's become like the,

[54:24] the goofiest way to insult a culture.

[54:27] Like it's.

Dan McCoy

[54:28] I will say that the one part of this that made me laugh is,

[54:32] you know,

[54:32] Abe Vigoda,

[54:33] you know,

[54:34] everyone keeps saying that he's fine with it.

[54:35] It's clear that he's not fine with it.

[54:37] And as he floats off,

[54:39] he goes,

[54:39] uh,

[54:40] it's like,

[54:40] if your policies change in the next week,

[54:42] uh,

[54:43] come find me.

[54:44] And Kathy Bates is like,

[54:44] what did he say?

[54:45] And I sort of enjoy this like last ditch effort.

[54:48] Like,

[54:48] Hey,

[54:48] uh,

[54:49] I'll be cool.

[54:51] If you want to bring me back.

[54:52] But anyway,

[54:53] Abe Vigoda dies.

Elliott Kalan

[54:54] Yeah.

[54:55] Yeah.

[54:55] If they don't,

[54:55] well,

[54:55] we don't know that.

[54:56] Maybe they bring him back at some point.

[54:57] Maybe he,

[54:58] maybe he bumps into a ship and he leads a mutiny.

[55:00] And now he's a pirate captain,

[55:01] you know,

[55:01] who's going around the seas.

[55:02] Maybe he turns into like,

[55:03] that's your North fanfic.

[55:05] Or he turns into an ice monster.

Stuart Wellington

[55:06] He goes back in time and he attacks the terror and the other ship that were stuck in the ice.

[55:10] Right.

Elliott Kalan

[55:11] Or he turns into an ice monster and he goes back in time and attacks Chris Elliott and cabin boy.

[55:14] There's all,

[55:14] there's so many ways that Abe Vigoda could have gone.

[55:16] Yeah.

[55:17] Uh,

[55:17] this is also,

[55:17] I remind you,

[55:18] this is four years after Dances with Wolves came out and America briefly had decided to treat Native Americans like people and not cartoon characters.

[55:24] So by the time of North,

[55:25] it is,

[55:26] it's just out.

[55:27] Indigenous is back to like a fictional character.

[55:30] Anyway,

[55:30] uh,

[55:31] he bumps into another,

Stuart Wellington

[55:32] he bumps into another Bruce Willis.

[55:34] This Bruce Willis basically just reminds him time's running out.

[55:37] He wasted too much time walking across the Alaskan tundra.

[55:41] Uh,

[55:41] I guess it was,

[55:42] it was,

[55:43] it had the same emotional weight as that scene in Interstellar where Matthew McConaughey realizes that his daughter has grown up and,

[55:49] uh,

[55:50] what,

[55:51] tied?

[55:51] And he starts crying all over the place.

[55:53] Yeah.

Matt Singer

[55:53] When they leave Alaska,

[55:55] that's when they says it's been eight weeks.

[55:57] we've,

[55:57] this is like literally been like 14 minutes of screen time that he's spent eight weeks.

[56:01] It's like,

[56:02] what is happening?

Elliott Kalan

[56:03] It's a lot like in a flight of the navigator when the kid comes back and he finds that his family doesn't live at the house anymore because it's the future now.

Stuart Wellington

[56:09] Yeah.

[56:10] And like,

[56:11] you get that twist in your gut where you're like,

[56:13] my parents abandoned me.

[56:14] Um,

[56:14] so,

[56:15] uh,

[56:16] North then jumps on a plane and he goes to,

[56:18] um,

[56:19] I'm guessing like middle America to meet with some Amish parents played by Kelly McGillis and Carl from Die Hard.

[56:26] that's Carl from Die Hard.

Dan McCoy

[56:28] Uh,

[56:28] and Kelly McGillis,

[56:29] of course,

[56:29] a reference to witness.

[56:31] I'm sure all the kids watching were like,

[56:33] oh,

[56:33] that R rated thriller.

[56:35] The,

[56:35] the,

[56:36] it's the Amish woman that Harrison Ford fell in love with.

[56:39] And,

[56:40] uh,

[56:40] that's the joke.

Elliott Kalan

[56:42] Anyway.

[56:42] Now I've never seen that.

[56:44] Who's the witness in it?

[56:45] Is it?

[56:46] Or is it Kelly McGillis?

[56:47] I've never gotten around to it.

Dan McCoy

[56:48] Isn't it Lucas Haas?

[56:49] A very young.

Elliott Kalan

[56:51] You're asking me the guy who asked the question.

Dan McCoy

[56:53] There are two other people on the zoom call,

[56:56] Elliot.

[56:57] Oh,

[56:57] good point.

[56:57] But no witness.

[56:58] If you've not seen it,

[56:59] that is,

[57:00] that is a very good movie.

Matt Singer

[57:01] It's,

[57:02] it's marginally better than North.

Elliott Kalan

[57:03] I will say that.

[57:04] Okay.

[57:04] That's fair.

[57:05] That's fair.

[57:05] Witness is one of those movies that growing up I would hear a lot about,

[57:08] but I was too young to see it.

[57:09] And by the time I grew up,

[57:10] it was like,

[57:11] I don't need to,

[57:12] you know,

[57:13] I don't,

[57:13] I don't need to dig back.

[57:14] I guess nobody talks about it anymore.

[57:15] Yeah.

[57:15] I mean,

Stuart Wellington

[57:16] if you want to learn about the Amish experience,

[57:18] obviously the movie you turn to is Kingpin starring Randy Quaid.

[57:22] Yeah.

[57:22] Something where they,

Elliott Kalan

[57:22] I mean,

[57:23] he's,

[57:23] he spent years living with them.

[57:25] Yeah.

[57:27] With John Popper and the rest of Blue,

Stuart Wellington

[57:30] Blue Traveler.

[57:31] So,

[57:32] uh,

[57:32] North then runs,

[57:33] uh,

[57:34] runs away.

[57:34] Oh,

[57:35] he,

[57:35] his next family is what appears to be some kind of,

[57:38] uh,

[57:38] like a Chinese Royal family.

[57:40] And they show him a selection of haircuts and he says,

[57:43] no,

[57:43] no.

[57:44] And he runs away.

Elliott Kalan

[57:45] Yeah.

[57:45] This is a parody of,

[57:46] uh,

[57:46] the last emperor.

[57:47] This,

[57:47] uh,

[57:47] this little section here until they show their childhood favorite.

Stuart Wellington

[57:51] You know,

Matt Singer

[57:51] there's their two favorite movies are witness and the last emperor.

Stuart Wellington

[57:55] This whole sequence is done like rapid fire,

[57:57] getting in the shitty offensive jokes as quickly as possible.

[58:00] They,

[58:00] so they can get through it.

Elliott Kalan

[58:02] what other,

[58:02] what other races have we not hit yet?

[58:04] Got to go to Zaire.

[58:05] That's where we're going next.

Stuart Wellington

[58:06] Yeah.

[58:06] Uh,

[58:07] he turns down African family out of concerns that being around topless women

[58:11] would distract him from his homework,

[58:12] which is whatever,

Elliott Kalan

[58:14] man,

[58:14] fuck off.

Stuart Wellington

[58:15] Uh,

[58:16] he turns down a French family because the only options on television are Jerry

[58:21] Lewis movies.

[58:22] And this,

[58:23] this is one of these things.

Elliott Kalan

[58:23] This is a stereotype of the French that I remember knowing as a kid before I

[58:27] really knew who Jerry Lewis was,

[58:29] where I'd seen any of his work.

[58:30] I knew that,

[58:31] Oh yeah,

[58:31] French people are weird.

[58:32] Cause I think Jerry Lewis is funny and his stuff is not funny.

[58:35] And saw this joke in the movie and like,

[58:36] got it.

[58:37] Like I understood the point of the joke.

[58:38] And it's just very,

[58:39] it just seems like such a blast from another time.

[58:41] Cause like,

[58:42] does anyone talk about the French and Jerry Lewis anymore?

[58:44] No,

[58:44] of course not.

[58:45] Like probably France one time gave Jerry Lewis an award and that was it.

[58:50] Like,

[58:50] it was just,

[58:51] It's,

[58:52] it's,

[58:52] it's such a strange time capsule of a time when this is what people knew about

[58:57] France.

[58:57] And also Jerry Lewis was considered like just the worst old hack stuff,

[59:03] you know,

[59:04] as opposed to now where he's remembered as a mean man who was very cheap and

[59:06] mean to everybody.

Dan McCoy

[59:09] But he,

[59:10] he like,

[59:10] didn't he invent the,

[59:11] like the little monitor that you can watch?

Elliott Kalan

[59:12] He said he invented video playback.

[59:15] Yeah.

[59:15] Where you would have a video monitor attached to it.

[59:17] But I remember saying that to somebody as if that was an achievement and they

[59:21] were like,

[59:21] so he attached a TV to the camera.

[59:23] Great.

Stuart Wellington

[59:25] Is he the guy who,

[59:28] uh,

[59:28] is he the guy who sang great balls of fire?

Elliott Kalan

[59:31] No,

[59:31] that's Jerry Lee Lewis.

[59:33] That's a different Jerry Lewis.

[59:35] Uh,

[59:35] they're brothers though.

[59:36] Yeah,

[59:36] they are brothers.

[59:37] They have the first name,

[59:38] but different same first name,

[59:39] different middle names.

[59:40] That's,

[59:40] that's how they're very sketchy apart.

[59:41] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[59:42] Yep.

[59:42] So,

[59:43] uh,

[59:43] North ends up in upstate New York to meet with the Nelsons,

[59:48] uh,

[59:49] very traditional,

[59:50] uh,

[59:51] what American nuclear family,

[59:53] uh,

[59:53] played by,

[59:54] uh,

[59:55] John Ritter,

[59:56] uh,

[59:57] Faith Ford.

[59:57] And I don't know who plays the son,

[59:59] but the,

[59:59] the daughter is played by future Miss Colin Jost.

[1:00:03] That's right.

[1:00:03] Scarlett Johansson.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:05] Miss Colin,

[1:00:05] Mrs.

[1:00:06] Colin Jost.

[1:00:07] It's not.

[1:00:07] Wow.

[1:00:07] Miss Colin Jost.

[1:00:09] Or Miz.

[1:00:10] But there's no Miss Colin Jost.

[1:00:12] Unless,

[1:00:13] like,

[1:00:13] that's,

[1:00:14] unless there's some kind of,

[1:00:15] there's some kind of accident where they're going to like Jeff Goldblum's lab and he's

[1:00:19] going to teleport them from one tube to another.

[1:00:21] And instead they come out mixed into one person.

[1:00:23] Then maybe it would be Miss Colin Jost.

[1:00:25] I don't know.

[1:00:25] Is that going to happen,

[1:00:26] Dan?

[1:00:26] Is Jeff Goldblum still looking into that technology?

Dan McCoy

[1:00:29] Uh,

[1:00:29] well,

[1:00:30] I mean,

[1:00:30] I think he sort of dissolved at a certain point.

[1:00:32] So,

[1:00:33] no.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:33] Oh,

[1:00:33] that's a good point.

[1:00:34] Probably.

[1:00:34] And then he just,

[1:00:35] he focused on piano playing after that.

[1:00:37] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:39] Uh,

[1:00:40] so,

[1:00:40] um,

[1:00:41] meanwhile,

[1:00:42] Winchell is back home.

[1:00:43] He is now super rich.

[1:00:44] He has like a whole,

[1:00:46] uh,

[1:00:47] like,

[1:00:47] he has a whole skyscraper.

[1:00:49] Uh,

[1:00:49] he has an office that is filled with fucking early nineties arcade cabinets.

[1:00:54] I could not tear my eyes away from fucking NBA jam Terminator two,

[1:00:58] that game with the guns.

[1:00:59] Uh,

[1:01:00] that Terminator two,

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:01] that Terminator two game.

[1:01:03] I played it so many times in the,

[1:01:05] in the lobby of the Lowe's movie theater,

[1:01:07] uh,

[1:01:07] in what East Hanover,

[1:01:10] I guess it was.

[1:01:10] And it was like,

[1:01:11] and so seeing that video game,

[1:01:12] I was like,

[1:01:13] I know it.

[1:01:14] Well,

[1:01:14] Terminator two game with the two Uzi guns.

[1:01:16] I remember,

[1:01:16] I remember you.

[1:01:17] You know,

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:17] somewhere in that office,

[1:01:18] there's either an X-Men,

[1:01:20] the arcade game or TMNT,

[1:01:21] the arcade game.

[1:01:23] And like,

[1:01:23] you can play four people.

[1:01:25] What the hell?

[1:01:25] I don't even have that many friends.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:29] And I bet he's got it rigged up too.

[1:01:31] So there's the button underneath.

[1:01:32] You just press it to give yourself extra lives whenever you want.

[1:01:35] Oh,

[1:01:35] well,

Matt Singer

[1:01:36] uh,

[1:01:36] living the dream is Winchell at this point.

[1:01:38] Although,

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:39] although the implication is that John Lovitz is the one who plays these games.

[1:01:42] Yeah.

Matt Singer

[1:01:43] We never see.

[1:01:43] That's true.

[1:01:43] The kid never plays them.

[1:01:45] That's,

[1:01:45] you know,

[1:01:45] yeah.

[1:01:46] Lovitz is always on,

[1:01:47] on these games playing in the background of scenes whenever Winchell's doing his evil,

[1:01:51] evil,

[1:01:52] uh,

[1:01:52] manipulations of video.

[1:01:54] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:54] Winchell likes the look of opulence.

[1:01:56] That's why he's got,

[1:01:58] uh,

[1:01:58] he's got Richard Simmons playing on one of his TV monitors at all times.

[1:02:02] He's got arcade cabinets around.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:06] Winchell,

[1:02:07] Winchell confuses me because like,

[1:02:09] well,

[1:02:09] he starts off as like a simple newspaper man who like,

[1:02:12] who,

[1:02:12] you know,

[1:02:13] gets on board with North cause it's a,

[1:02:14] a great story for his,

[1:02:16] uh,

[1:02:17] school paper.

[1:02:18] But then like over time,

[1:02:20] I guess it's the citizen Kane thing they're going for.

[1:02:22] He just like grows addicted to the power and like the,

[1:02:25] uh,

[1:02:25] so newspaper to power is the,

[1:02:27] is the thing.

[1:02:28] But without,

[1:02:31] I mean,

[1:02:31] I think there is one like pretty overt Kane reference as well.

[1:02:34] But again,

[1:02:35] as a child,

[1:02:36] you're like,

[1:02:37] I,

[1:02:37] I would be like,

[1:02:38] why does this kid want to like cause so much trouble?

[1:02:41] So much so that,

[1:02:43] you know,

[1:02:43] I think we talked about it before by the end of the movie,

[1:02:46] he's sending people out to assassinate North.

[1:02:49] Uh,

Matt Singer

[1:02:49] he's also,

[1:02:50] he's also this like,

[1:02:51] yeah,

[1:02:52] he's like the puppet master controlling this whole scheme,

[1:02:54] but we never see his parents and we have no idea what,

[1:02:56] like,

[1:02:57] why does he,

[1:02:57] why does he care so much about,

[1:02:59] uh,

[1:03:00] see,

[1:03:00] that should be the cut scene.

[1:03:01] Like this plan of,

[1:03:02] you know,

[1:03:02] like I will destroy the parents of the world.

[1:03:04] And it's just like,

[1:03:05] you've never seen like,

[1:03:06] why does this kid care?

[1:03:08] He seems to be doing just fine.

[1:03:09] And if it was a funnier movie.

[1:03:11] If he has no parents,

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:11] then maybe that should be his motivation.

[1:03:14] But if it was a funnier movie,

[1:03:15] like you wouldn't need that reason.

[1:03:16] It would just be like,

[1:03:17] oh,

[1:03:17] it's funny that this guy is becoming a power mad,

[1:03:20] you know,

[1:03:20] villain,

[1:03:21] but it's not.

[1:03:21] So it would be great to know why he's doing this other than like,

[1:03:25] he's that kind of,

[1:03:26] uh,

[1:03:27] uh,

[1:03:28] that kind of older than his years kid that everybody hates and ends up

[1:03:31] becoming like an advisor to president Trump,

[1:03:34] you know,

[1:03:35] at some point in his life,

[1:03:36] you know,

[1:03:36] that,

[1:03:36] because he wants to take it out in the world.

[1:03:38] Yeah.

[1:03:38] But,

[1:03:38] uh,

[1:03:39] so meanwhile,

[1:03:40] North's parents,

[1:03:41] and also,

[1:03:42] I have to say with the casting,

[1:03:43] they were like,

[1:03:43] can you get us the next Macaulay Culkin?

[1:03:46] Okay.

[1:03:46] We'll get you a blonde kid who looks like,

[1:03:48] like if you squint,

[1:03:48] he looks like a Culkin.

[1:03:50] Okay.

[1:03:50] We'll bring him in.

[1:03:50] And I will say this kid with what,

[1:03:53] with the material he's given,

[1:03:54] he gives it at us all.

[1:03:54] I don't know him.

[1:03:55] I don't know if he's still an actor,

[1:03:56] but I think he does a fine job considering they give him some kind of

[1:04:00] thankless material.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:01] I looked him up.

[1:04:02] He had more child roles,

[1:04:03] but this was,

[1:04:04] I mean,

[1:04:05] he didn't,

[1:04:05] he did not make the transition into adult actor.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:07] He did not turn out to be Nicky Cox.

[1:04:10] So,

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:10] North's parents finally wake up and Winchell's like,

[1:04:13] Oh,

[1:04:14] this is going to disrupt all my plans because they want this kid back.

[1:04:17] So he interviews them.

[1:04:19] And then he takes their interview where they are pleading for their child to

[1:04:23] come back to them.

[1:04:24] And he doctors that shit and has it sent over to the Nelsons who were playing a

[1:04:29] very exciting game of clue.

[1:04:31] And then they all give each other a hug before bed.

[1:04:33] And then North gets that doctor tape and he watches it.

[1:04:37] And it is doctored to make his parents very much say things like,

[1:04:42] we don't want Hugh.

[1:04:44] We don't want Hugh.

[1:04:46] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:47] Like they,

[1:04:48] they clearly don't want him based on this tape.

[1:04:51] Uh,

[1:04:51] and so North is like,

[1:04:52] I don't know.

[1:04:53] My,

[1:04:54] my original parents don't want me,

[1:04:55] but for some reason they're not wanting me kind of makes me want them.

[1:05:00] Isn't that weird guys?

[1:05:01] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:01] They're,

[1:05:02] they're negging him.

[1:05:03] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:03] It's weird how that happens sometimes.

[1:05:05] And so the Nelsons who are perfect in every way,

[1:05:08] they're tossed out like yesterday's trash.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:11] The thing about the Nelsons,

[1:05:12] they're like,

[1:05:13] you're,

[1:05:13] they're supposed to be like your classic white upper middle class.

[1:05:18] Everyone like tight knit family that you see in like TV shows.

[1:05:22] I guess they're the cleavers.

[1:05:22] They're the cleavers.

[1:05:23] I mean,

[1:05:23] his name is even Ward,

[1:05:24] you know,

[1:05:24] or to put it in my generations,

[1:05:26] uh,

[1:05:27] uh,

[1:05:27] probably they're like,

[1:05:28] uh,

[1:05:28] they're like a real family ties and,

[1:05:30] uh,

[1:05:30] yes,

[1:05:30] they,

[1:05:31] but they are presented as so objectively,

[1:05:35] like,

[1:05:36] or subjectively perfect that it's super creepy.

[1:05:39] Like I kept waiting for the thing where it turns out like that they're going to eat North or something like that.

[1:05:43] Or like they're Satan worshipers.

[1:05:45] Like it was,

[1:05:45] they do it so far over the board that every time John Rudder's like,

[1:05:49] well,

[1:05:49] North,

[1:05:50] I think,

[1:05:50] uh,

[1:05:51] we really want you to be a part of this family.

[1:05:52] It was just like,

[1:05:53] I don't know.

[1:05:54] This is really creepy.

[1:05:55] Like I don't,

[1:05:55] of all the families,

[1:05:56] they're probably the ones that I was most scared by.

Matt Singer

[1:05:59] But that could have been a funny joke if that's what,

[1:06:01] that,

[1:06:01] if that's what happened.

[1:06:02] But instead,

[1:06:03] literally like Stuart is saying,

[1:06:05] North is just decides to leave.

[1:06:07] Yeah.

[1:06:07] And they,

[1:06:08] I think they even say something like,

[1:06:09] we don't know why you're leaving.

[1:06:10] And North says,

[1:06:11] neither do I.

[1:06:12] They don't,

[1:06:13] they don't even provide an explanation.

[1:06:15] He just leaves.

[1:06:16] Like you're saying,

[1:06:17] like,

[1:06:17] well,

[1:06:17] my parents hate me.

[1:06:18] I guess I'll go find them.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:19] The other thing about this too,

[1:06:20] is like,

[1:06:21] they are trying to,

[1:06:24] I guess,

[1:06:25] as Stuart was saying,

[1:06:26] comment on like,

[1:06:27] sort of like the perfect family you'd see on television.

[1:06:29] But like,

[1:06:30] the problem is like making them the one perfect family.

[1:06:33] Like it really does underline like all the other racial stereotypes.

[1:06:37] Like,

[1:06:37] where it's like North's like,

[1:06:38] here,

[1:06:39] this is what I wanted.

[1:06:40] A good old fashioned white family.

[1:06:41] Like I see on TV that just like sits around in the suburbs,

[1:06:46] you know,

[1:06:46] and it's like,

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:47] a white family that plays Clue and goes to Bowcraft Amusement Park.

[1:06:50] I mean,

[1:06:50] they've got rides and games for kids of every age.

[1:06:53] But the,

[1:06:54] it really is.

[1:06:55] Yeah.

[1:06:55] The movie is not saying like,

[1:06:56] here's our play on the perfect family.

[1:06:58] The movie is like,

[1:06:59] this is the perfect family.

[1:07:00] As opposed to all those Inuits and Africans who are crazy and weird.

[1:07:05] And it's like,

[1:07:06] this movie,

[1:07:07] you know,

[1:07:08] come on.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:08] Winchell is not happy with this.

[1:07:10] So of course he dispatches his assassin to kill North.

[1:07:14] North gives the assassin the slip in the meat.

[1:07:17] He's on the clean streets in New York.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:18] North has decided to go to New York.

[1:07:20] He's running out of time.

[1:07:21] So he's going to lose himself in the underbelly of the city so that the judge can't send him to an orphanage.

Matt Singer

[1:07:25] Even New York is a stereotype.

[1:07:27] It's like,

[1:07:27] it's 1994,

[1:07:28] but it's like a stereotype of like,

[1:07:30] you know,

[1:07:31] it's like Travis Bickle is like around the corner.

[1:07:32] He's like wandering Times Square and there's like prostitutes and like seedy porn theaters.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:37] It's like that scene in Last Action Hero where the like guy gets murdered for his sneakers outside the movie theater.

[1:07:43] Exactly.

[1:07:44] Yeah.

[1:07:44] So,

[1:07:45] he gives the assassin the slip and then he just finds an I love New York sweater on a bench in the park and he puts that shit on immediately disguised.

[1:07:54] Well done,

[1:07:54] Agent 47.

[1:07:56] Well,

[1:07:56] North hates New York,

[1:07:58] so that can't be.

[1:08:00] So,

[1:08:01] he then runs into Adam,

[1:08:03] a previously unseen kid character who's dressed as like a deep throat figure.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:08] We saw him in the background of some of the scenes with Winchell,

[1:08:11] but I don't think he was ever given a name or dialogue before this point.

[1:08:13] Right.

[1:08:14] Right.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:14] And so,

[1:08:14] Adam here reveals Winchell's plan to North and hands him the original undoctored tape,

[1:08:20] but it's a VHS tape,

[1:08:22] so he's going to have to find a VCR to play that shit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:24] And Adam has disguised himself by putting on like a top hat, right?

[1:08:28] So,

[1:08:28] it's like,

[1:08:29] I'm going to be inconspicuous.

[1:08:30] I'll be a kid in a top hat walking around Central Park at night.

[1:08:33] Totally,

[1:08:33] totally conspicuous.

[1:08:34] I'll just be the littlest hobo.

Matt Singer

[1:08:36] Sure.

[1:08:36] He's going to blend right in.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:38] So,

[1:08:38] North then escapes on a truck while the killer chases him and shoots at him.

[1:08:44] The killer finds a,

[1:08:47] what appears to be a blood covered hat.

[1:08:49] That must,

[1:08:49] that must be North's blood.

[1:08:51] And assumes that North has been killed.

[1:08:53] Of course,

[1:08:54] North is not killed.

[1:08:55] That was Borscht squirting out of a Borscht truck that he was riding in.

[1:09:00] And he hides in a convention center where Bruce Willis shows up again doing stand-up comedy.

[1:09:05] And it is just as hilarious as you would imagine.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:08] And this is another one where he's telling,

[1:09:09] the joke he's telling,

[1:09:10] it's what,

[1:09:11] it's the smoke detector.

Matt Singer

[1:09:13] The National Association of Smoke Alarm People,

[1:09:16] NASA.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:17] And he's,

[1:09:17] but he's telling a joke about a couple having sex and then talking if they,

[1:09:22] if they're going to smoke after sex,

[1:09:23] or like saying,

[1:09:23] do you smoke after sex?

[1:09:25] this is the second time the word sex has been used in this kid's movie.

[1:09:28] Like,

[1:09:28] what's going on here?

[1:09:29] Come on,

[1:09:29] guys.

[1:09:29] Even in the 90s,

[1:09:31] when sexual health was on everybody's lips,

[1:09:33] and it had to be because of what,

[1:09:35] you know,

[1:09:35] what the world was,

[1:09:36] it still was like,

[1:09:37] it's a little weird to have it be that joke that he's telling.

Matt Singer

[1:09:40] They,

[1:09:41] they used up all of their edgy material with the two mentions of sex,

[1:09:45] which is why they had to say crack 10 times instead of something else.

[1:09:48] Oh,

[1:09:48] that's why.

[1:09:48] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:50] Um,

[1:09:50] so,

[1:09:51] uh,

[1:09:52] he,

[1:09:53] Bruce Willis lets him into his,

[1:09:54] uh,

[1:09:55] Bruce Willis lets him into his dressing room.

[1:09:57] And I'm like,

[1:09:58] oh shit,

[1:09:59] this is going to be like a very special episode,

[1:10:01] but it's not,

[1:10:01] he's cool guys.

[1:10:03] It doesn't get gross.

[1:10:04] And then he,

[1:10:05] right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:05] Because when Bruce Willis signed onto the movie,

[1:10:07] he said,

[1:10:08] well,

[1:10:08] at least one of my characters turns out to be a sexual predator,

[1:10:11] right?

[1:10:11] Or else I'm not doing the movie.

[1:10:13] And Rob Reiner said,

[1:10:14] we haven't been working with Zweibel.

[1:10:15] We just can't find a way to make it work with the tone of the movie.

[1:10:18] A movie where an assassin is sent after a boy and thinks that he has shot him in the head.

[1:10:22] We just can't make it work for one of your characters to turn out to be a sexual predator.

[1:10:25] And Bruce said,

[1:10:26] that's it.

[1:10:27] I'm walking.

[1:10:28] Luckily,

[1:10:30] old Bruce Willis from the future was there.

[1:10:31] And he said,

[1:10:32] okay,

[1:10:32] I'll take the part.

[1:10:34] Bruce Willis in competition with his future self said,

[1:10:36] oh no,

[1:10:37] no,

[1:10:37] I've got it.

[1:10:38] I've got it.

[1:10:38] I'll do it.

[1:10:39] You just wait around here,

[1:10:40] old Bruce Willis,

[1:10:40] until it's time for you to fall through the time portal again.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:42] And young Bruce Willis played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt is like,

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:46] what about me?

Matt Singer

[1:10:47] What about me?

[1:10:48] I was going to say,

[1:10:49] this is the Looper sequel we never got when you're describing here.

[1:10:52] Looper 2,

[1:10:53] super duper Looper,

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:54] and it all takes place on the set of North.

[1:10:56] Do you think when Rian Johnson approached Bruce Willis for that,

[1:11:00] Bruce Willis is like,

[1:11:01] before I agree to Joseph Gordon-Levitt playing me,

[1:11:03] I'm going to need to see some of his past work.

[1:11:05] And he's watching Third Rock from the Sun.

[1:11:07] And he's like,

[1:11:07] I wish my hair looked like that.

[1:11:10] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:10] That's what it was.

[1:11:12] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:13] So he gets some good advice from Bruce Willis.

[1:11:16] He gets a ride to the airport.

[1:11:18] Unfortunately,

[1:11:18] he can't fly because they've already received the newspaper and he's presumed dead.

[1:11:23] So they can't let him fly.

[1:11:25] Kids start chasing him because they realize that if he surfaces,

[1:11:29] that it will ruin their new world order.

[1:11:33] And then he ends up on a FedEx truck with another Bruce Willis.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:37] This was the,

[1:11:38] I think the laziest of the Bruce Willises to have this Bruce Willis show up at the end.

[1:11:41] But then when he's dropped off at home,

[1:11:42] it's not Bruce Willis,

[1:11:43] which was weird.

[1:11:44] It's a completely different guy.

[1:11:44] Yeah.

Matt Singer

[1:11:45] Yes.

[1:11:46] Yeah.

[1:11:46] It's a dip.

[1:11:46] Yeah.

[1:11:47] He gets on one FedEx truck and is driven there and then he gets off and it's another driver.

[1:11:51] That was very strange.

[1:11:52] I didn't understand that at all.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:54] I mean,

[1:11:54] put that down in goofs,

[1:11:55] Dan,

Dan McCoy

[1:11:55] on the IMDb entry.

[1:11:56] I'll get on to it.

[1:11:57] I'll goof it up.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:58] So he gets delivered to his parents' house.

[1:12:00] He arrives at his parents' house and his family is not there.

[1:12:03] Instead,

[1:12:04] he runs into Winchell and they have this kind of showdown where you kind of see how much they've changed since their paths have diverged.

[1:12:11] It's like in that Dan Abnett novel,

[1:12:12] Riders of the Dead,

[1:12:13] where the two cousins go to war and then after a disastrous battle,

[1:12:18] one of them ends up spending time with some Kislevite horse lancers and some winged lancers.

[1:12:24] And he kind of realized actually the truth of being noble and fighting.

[1:12:28] It's not all just like this,

[1:12:30] like the fancy armor and weapons.

[1:12:32] It's actually,

[1:12:32] you know,

[1:12:33] honor and whatnot.

[1:12:34] Whereas his cousin gets captured by the barbarian tribes of the North and he becomes a worshiper of Zinch.

[1:12:40] The changer of ways,

[1:12:42] the great deceiver,

[1:12:43] and he gains all these mutations and he becomes this powerful chaos lord only to die at his cousin's blade at the very end.

[1:12:48] It's amazing.

[1:12:49] Yeah,

[1:12:49] I mean,

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:49] it's basically the plot of Manhattan melodrama.

[1:12:51] Great.

[1:12:51] Okay,

[1:12:52] moving on.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:53] So,

[1:12:54] uh,

[1:12:54] he then realized that in order to reunite with his parents,

[1:12:57] he has to go,

[1:12:58] I got a little confused here.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:00] It's weird.

[1:13:00] Winchell tells him,

[1:13:02] you have to go to where your parents are at your special spot.

[1:13:05] And the judge had said,

[1:13:06] your parents have to hug you when time,

[1:13:08] when the deadline reaches.

[1:13:09] I actually didn't remember him saying this earlier,

[1:13:11] but it's like,

[1:13:12] you have to be in your parents' arms when the deadline reaches or else you have to go to the orphanage.

[1:13:17] And I don't know why Winchell is like,

[1:13:18] he's kind of like taunting him a little bit,

[1:13:20] but I don't know why he is.

[1:13:22] I don't know why Winchell is telling him this thing.

[1:13:23] Like,

[1:13:24] in a movie where none of it makes sense,

[1:13:26] this was the scene that made the least sense to me.

[1:13:27] Well,

[1:13:28] is it the villain is like,

[1:13:29] I give up.

[1:13:30] Here's what you need to know to win.

[1:13:31] Goodbye.

[1:13:32] I'm not in the movie.

[1:13:32] Well,

[1:13:32] he's trying to set him up.

[1:13:34] He's trying to get him to run out there and get blasted by his assassin.

[1:13:36] Tell him to go somewhere where his parents,

[1:13:37] he's got his assassin.

[1:13:39] But tell him to go somewhere where his parents aren't and send the assassin after him.

[1:13:42] Exactly.

[1:13:42] Cover your bases,

[1:13:43] Winchell.

[1:13:44] Come on.

[1:13:44] He wants his parents to see him get blasted.

[1:13:46] It's pretty normal behavior.

[1:13:47] And Winchell is just in a corner masturbating at watching parents seeing their child die because he's that evil.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:54] That was the subtext.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:56] He's that evil and also he's that age when he cannot keep his hand off his dick.

[1:13:59] He's just discovered it and he just cannot get enough of it.

[1:14:02] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:03] Who needs an arcade stick when he's got a stick of his own to play with?

[1:14:06] So he's about to reunite with this.

[1:14:09] An arcade stick.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:12] That's what those are called.

[1:14:13] I don't know why in that horrible thing you just said,

[1:14:15] that's what really got to me.

[1:14:17] He's probably an arcade stick.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:18] I also like the idea that who needs an arcade stick.

[1:14:20] He's already got a video game salami.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:22] Why not hit his own, you know?

Dan McCoy

[1:14:23] They do totally different things.

[1:14:25] But I guess once you start masturbating,

[1:14:28] anything that is like vaguely penis shaped goes out the window.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:32] You're like, who needs this?

[1:14:33] I can't.

[1:14:33] I mean,

[1:14:33] maybe there is a joystick that works with an up and down motion on the shaft of the stick.

[1:14:39] I don't know.

[1:14:39] Most of them you kind of push forward and pull back.

[1:14:41] But I don't know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:43] Matt's looking for an exit.

[1:14:46] So he's just about to reunite with his parents.

[1:14:50] They got to go in for that legal hug.

[1:14:52] When the hitman is waiting and he shoots and that gunshot wakes North up from his sleep.

[1:15:02] He was just dreaming.

[1:15:03] He's sitting in that giant chair that he was sitting at earlier.

[1:15:07] He had clearly fallen asleep after his talk or possibly before the talk.

[1:15:12] I don't care.

[1:15:13] With Bruce Willis before.

[1:15:15] And he realized this whole movie that you watched was all a dream.

[1:15:18] All that racist shit.

[1:15:19] That's in his head.

[1:15:21] I mean,

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:22] the fact is if a little kid doesn't know,

[1:15:24] only knows what the media has told him about types of people that he has not himself encountered.

[1:15:29] So maybe that is an excuse for the racism in the movie that this kid is actually racist.

[1:15:33] And Rob Reiner should run out at that point on screen and say,

[1:15:36] see,

[1:15:36] it's not me who's racist.

[1:15:38] It's North who's racist.

[1:15:40] I mean,

[1:15:40] sure,

Dan McCoy

[1:15:41] I thought his story was something that needed to be told for some reason,

[1:15:44] even though there's barely any personal development by anyone in it.

[1:15:48] It's just,

[1:15:49] then the moral is,

[1:15:50] I guess,

[1:15:50] be happy with what you have.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:52] Yeah.

[1:15:52] And he's like,

[1:15:53] it's like when Brad Pitt beats up Bruce Lee in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.

[1:15:57] It was that character's fantasy.

[1:15:59] It isn't actually intended to be real life.

[1:16:01] Yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:01] yeah,

[1:16:02] yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:03] I accept that that's the reason,

[1:16:05] but then why would his fantasy does he wreck that lady's car,

[1:16:07] which hurts his career?

[1:16:08] I don't understand,

[1:16:09] Stuart.

[1:16:09] Hold on a second.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:11] Because he needs to justify why his career is wrecked by things that are not,

[1:16:15] are kind of his fault,

[1:16:17] but also kind of cool,

[1:16:18] right?

[1:16:19] Okay,

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:19] now how do you explain the fact that they continue to torture the,

[1:16:22] the Manson family,

[1:16:23] even after the Manson family have long stopped being a threat and are now the victims of what Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt are doing?

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:29] I'm not excusing the whole movie.

[1:16:31] I mean,

[1:16:32] Rob Reiner's not excusing the whole movie.

[1:16:34] Yeah,

[1:16:34] let's be clear.

[1:16:35] Rob Reiner runs out and goes,

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:36] I know that this woman is now blind and is drowning in a pool.

[1:16:39] Leonardo DiCaprio did not need to set her on fire as well,

[1:16:42] but look,

[1:16:43] it's Leonardo DiCaprio who's mean,

[1:16:44] not Quentin Tarantino.

[1:16:46] Certainly,

[1:16:46] he doesn't approve of everything his characters do.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:49] For our,

[1:16:49] for our more sensitive listeners,

[1:16:52] let me assure you that Stuart is deep in the well of irony right now.

[1:16:56] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:58] Okay.

[1:17:00] So Bruce Willis is there and he's like,

[1:17:02] Oh,

[1:17:02] this kid's still sleeping.

[1:17:03] I guess I'll give him a ride home.

[1:17:05] And North sees his parents.

[1:17:07] They're happy to see him.

[1:17:08] Another,

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:08] another,

[1:17:08] another moment where Stuart was worried this might become a,

[1:17:10] a very special episode,

[1:17:12] but he just gives him a ride home.

[1:17:13] It's okay.

[1:17:13] Yep.

[1:17:14] Again,

[1:17:14] Bruce Willis is desire in this fan,

[1:17:16] ironic fantasy joke to be a sexual predator on film is not worn out.

[1:17:20] Thank you everyone for your restraint.

[1:17:23] Again,

[1:17:24] this is not something I'm saying the real Bruce Willis wants.

[1:17:26] It's something that this fictional version of Bruce Willis that we've created purely for the existence of a bit.

[1:17:30] That's what he wants.

[1:17:32] Anyway,

[1:17:32] so Rob Reiner runs out in the podcast now and goes,

[1:17:34] it's not,

[1:17:35] it's not the flop house hosts who are gross.

[1:17:37] It's this fictional version of Bruce Willis.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:42] Anyway,

[1:17:42] go see the American president.

[1:17:45] It'll have to last you the next few decades.

[1:17:47] Cause I'm not going to make anything else good.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:50] I'm going to look up his movies and see what it,

[1:17:51] see if there's any,

[1:17:52] I mean,

[1:17:52] he made like primary cut.

[1:17:53] No,

[1:17:53] he didn't make that.

[1:17:54] That was Mike Nichols.

[1:17:54] Nevermind.

[1:17:55] So credits,

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:56] credits roll,

[1:17:57] baby.

[1:17:57] Everybody's happy.

[1:17:58] Oh,

[1:17:58] he did do primary colors.

[1:17:59] There you go.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:00] That's an okay movie.

[1:18:01] Oh no,

[1:18:02] he's in it.

[1:18:02] Nevermind.

[1:18:03] He didn't direct it.

[1:18:03] Sorry.

[1:18:04] Continue.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:05] Okay.

[1:18:05] So that's the end of the movie.

[1:18:06] That's all.

[1:18:07] That's the whole thing.

[1:18:07] North gets back with his family.

[1:18:09] He realized his mistake all along.

[1:18:10] Hugs his parents.

[1:18:11] And that's the end.

[1:18:12] They miss him because of,

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:14] because of course they would.

[1:18:15] He's been gone all day and he gets the wrong message,

[1:18:18] which is when he needs their attention,

[1:18:19] he just needs to disappear for a while.

[1:18:21] So,

Dan McCoy

[1:18:22] okay.

[1:18:22] The last Rob Reiner movie that I have any memory of existing is the bucket list in 2007.

[1:18:30] Oh,

[1:18:30] I forgot that was a Rob Reiner.

[1:18:32] Now let,

[1:18:32] let us,

[1:18:33] let us go through his next one,

[1:18:35] two,

[1:18:36] three,

[1:18:36] four,

[1:18:36] five,

[1:18:37] six,

[1:18:37] seven movies.

[1:18:39] And I'll ask you whether you have any memory or knowledge of this movie.

[1:18:42] There's a movie called Flipped in 2010.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:45] Gotta assume it's about house buying and selling.

[1:18:48] Or some kind of parkour championship.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:50] Oh,

[1:18:50] there's,

[1:18:51] I was going to say it's like the Flipper reboot.

[1:18:53] Yeah,

[1:18:53] yeah.

[1:18:53] Flipper's cool now.

[1:18:54] He's flipped.

[1:18:55] There's a TV movie called Eight.

[1:18:58] Then there's the magic of Belle Isle.

[1:19:00] Prequel to Eight and a Half?

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:02] Yes,

[1:19:02] the prequel before the,

[1:19:03] the whole movie is,

[1:19:04] is Martello Mastrioni trying to find a half.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:08] It's a movie about California's Proposition Eight.

[1:19:12] Oh,

[1:19:12] okay.

[1:19:12] But,

[1:19:13] we got the magic of Belle Isle that has Morgan Freeman in it.

[1:19:17] Do not recall.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:18] I don't know.

[1:19:19] This,

[1:19:19] this feels like a movie that,

[1:19:21] a poster that would be in the background of a movie where Morgan Freeman plays an actor.

[1:19:24] Yeah.

[1:19:25] I don't,

[1:19:25] I don't know what,

[1:19:26] I don't know anything about it.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:28] There's a film called And So It Goes.

[1:19:31] Big stars here.

[1:19:32] Michael Douglas and Diane Keaton do not recall this film.

[1:19:35] Being Charlie.

[1:19:38] And then what do we got after Being Charlie?

[1:19:41] We got LBJ and Shock and Awe.

[1:19:44] Wait,

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:44] is Being Charlie the sequel to that charade remake that Jonathan Demme made?

[1:19:49] The truth about Charlie?

[1:19:50] Yeah.

Matt Singer

[1:19:51] They're unrelated.

[1:19:52] I do vaguely remember this LBJ one.

[1:19:55] Yeah,

[1:19:55] LBJ,

[1:19:56] I remember when it came out.

[1:19:57] Woody Harrelson is in it.

[1:19:59] So that one I have vaguely heard of.

[1:20:01] The rest,

[1:20:02] you could have made them all up and I would have had no idea.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:05] Being Charlie sounds like the next iteration of Charlie Kaufman's career where he's just making movies about himself just completely.

[1:20:11] He's like,

[1:20:11] I'm not even,

[1:20:12] I'm not even pretending the movie is about anything else.

[1:20:14] It's just about me.

[1:20:15] No artifice.

[1:20:15] Yeah.

[1:20:15] Yeah,

[1:20:16] there's nothing.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:17] Well,

[1:20:17] anyway,

[1:20:17] let's all remember Rob Reiner's early movies and remember them fondly.

[1:20:21] Let's forget.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:22] Here's the thing that at the end of this movie,

[1:20:24] so this is a big comedy movie,

[1:20:25] right?

[1:20:25] Lots of,

[1:20:26] lots of gags,

[1:20:26] lots of jokes.

[1:20:27] You'd expect it to end on some kind of a big joke.

[1:20:30] It ends on like the,

[1:20:32] the merest whimper of,

[1:20:34] they literally,

[1:20:34] you watch,

[1:20:35] you're looking at their house and you hear them go,

[1:20:37] okay,

[1:20:37] North,

[1:20:37] get,

[1:20:37] get into your pajamas.

[1:20:38] We'll make you something to eat.

[1:20:39] North goes,

[1:20:40] okay.

[1:20:40] And that's the end of the movie.

[1:20:42] Like fade to black,

[1:20:43] fade to black.

[1:20:44] Yeah.

[1:20:44] It was like,

[1:20:45] did they,

[1:20:45] I was watching it and I was like,

[1:20:47] did they lose the end of the movie?

[1:20:49] Like,

[1:20:49] did they lose the last five seconds?

[1:20:50] I also feel like,

Dan McCoy

[1:20:52] uh,

[1:20:53] like Jason Alexander,

[1:20:54] like he delivers the final land.

[1:20:56] I don't remember what exactly it is,

[1:20:58] but he delivers it as if he thinks that there's more to come.

[1:21:02] Like,

[1:21:02] like he doesn't realize this is the end.

[1:21:05] Yeah.

[1:21:05] He's just kind of trailing off.

[1:21:07] Now,

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:07] uh,

[1:21:08] now he's expecting a big moment like Kevin McAllister,

[1:21:11] shoveling dirt on the grave of the wet bandits.

[1:21:13] Like at the end of home alone.

[1:21:15] Yeah.

[1:21:15] And like the original ending of home alone,

[1:21:17] where the parents drive up just as Kevin is burying the man,

[1:21:20] man,

[1:21:20] X rated cut that only played in Europe.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:23] Just like when,

[1:21:24] when I,

[1:21:24] when I was a kid and everyone was like,

[1:21:25] Oh yeah,

[1:21:26] there's an R rated Wile E.

[1:21:27] Coyote cartoon where he catches the road runner and kills him.

[1:21:29] And I was like,

[1:21:30] I gotta see this cartoon.

[1:21:31] Turns out it doesn't exist.

[1:21:32] Cause why would you make it?

[1:21:33] That's not the point of the Wile E.

[1:21:34] Coyote cartoons.

[1:21:35] He would catch them eventually.

[1:21:37] Yeah.

[1:21:37] And when you're talking about,

[1:21:38] they're dumb.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:38] You actually found that videotape and then a boulder fell on top of your

[1:21:41] head.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:43] Well,

[1:21:43] I,

[1:21:44] I saw the road runner run into the video store where the tape was and I

[1:21:47] ran after him,

[1:21:48] but it was just painted on a rock.

[1:21:49] So I just flattened against it.

[1:21:51] Not the country of rock,

[1:21:52] but the,

[1:21:53] uh,

[1:21:53] you know,

Dan McCoy

[1:21:53] okay,

[1:21:55] well let's do our final judgments.

[1:21:56] Whether this is a good,

[1:21:57] bad movie,

[1:21:58] a bad,

[1:21:58] bad movie,

[1:21:59] or a movie you kind of like,

[1:22:01] um,

[1:22:02] at the beginning,

[1:22:02] I almost thought,

[1:22:04] Oh,

[1:22:04] maybe this is a good,

[1:22:05] bad movie because like first,

[1:22:07] I don't know.

[1:22:07] Like this is a short movie.

[1:22:09] It's less than 90 minutes long,

[1:22:11] although it feels interminable.

[1:22:13] Like the first 30 minutes,

[1:22:14] I'm like,

[1:22:15] Oh,

[1:22:15] I could see enjoying this as a good,

[1:22:18] bad movie just because it is so poorly calculated.

[1:22:21] Like you're kind of baffled that it exists,

[1:22:24] but then like it gets both more offensive and just more boring.

[1:22:28] Uh,

[1:22:29] and you know,

[1:22:30] I was having a lot of trouble paying attention by the end.

[1:22:34] So I would not recommend anyone watch this.

[1:22:36] It's bad,

[1:22:36] bad.

[1:22:37] Uh,

[1:22:38] anyone else raring to go?

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:40] Uh,

[1:22:41] no,

[1:22:41] I would also call it a bad,

[1:22:42] bad movie.

[1:22:42] It's not very good.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:44] Yeah.

[1:22:45] I mean,

[1:22:45] I had,

[1:22:46] I don't know.

[1:22:47] like it was,

[1:22:48] I was not particularly enjoying it.

[1:22:50] Uh,

[1:22:50] and then he got to Texas and I'm like,

[1:22:53] okay,

[1:22:54] maybe we're going to see some actors that I have affection for doing some kind of fun stuff.

[1:22:58] And then it all went down.

[1:23:00] It all got worse.

[1:23:01] So no,

[1:23:02] thanks.

Matt Singer

[1:23:03] It takes a,

[1:23:04] it takes a very steep drop.

[1:23:05] It doesn't start from a high point,

[1:23:07] but after those,

[1:23:08] yeah,

[1:23:08] those first 20 minutes,

[1:23:09] it takes a very,

[1:23:10] a very steep drop.

[1:23:11] And then I don't know about you guys,

[1:23:13] but when,

[1:23:13] when he wakes up at the end and it's all a dream,

[1:23:16] like I get actively angry,

[1:23:19] like,

[1:23:19] uh,

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:20] but he does find in his pocket,

[1:23:22] the magic coin that cowboy Bruce Willis gave to him,

[1:23:25] which otherwise plays almost no role in the entire movie.

[1:23:28] So that's right.

[1:23:29] Maybe it wasn't all a dream,

[1:23:30] although clearly it was,

[1:23:32] it doesn't make any sense.

[1:23:33] I don't understand.

Matt Singer

[1:23:34] I do think,

[1:23:34] I do think it is kind of funny because it is all a dream.

[1:23:37] Like when you look at it again,

[1:23:38] when you rewatch it,

[1:23:40] you're like,

[1:23:40] okay,

[1:23:40] so this,

[1:23:41] what actually happens in this movie is,

[1:23:43] this self pitying overachiever has a one bad dinner.

[1:23:49] He goes to the mall,

[1:23:50] he takes a nap and he goes home.

[1:23:52] That is the sum total of the events of this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:55] And everybody just walks by this sleeping kid and is like,

[1:23:59] fuck it.

[1:24:00] They close the mall around.

[1:24:02] We're turning off all the lights.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:04] Easter Bunny Bruce Willis,

[1:24:05] you're going to lock up when you go tonight from the mall.

[1:24:08] Yeah,

[1:24:08] yeah,

[1:24:08] I'll go.

[1:24:09] Don't disturb the,

Matt Singer

[1:24:10] the unattended child who's sleeping in the mall.

[1:24:12] Let's leave him be.

[1:24:13] Don't turn on the shopping mall robots tonight.

[1:24:16] Yeah.

[1:24:18] When I worked in a,

[1:24:18] when I worked in a mall,

[1:24:19] we did have that rule.

[1:24:21] If there's any children sleeping in your store,

[1:24:23] you have to let them continue.

[1:24:24] Because you know,

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:25] children are like sleepwalkers.

[1:24:26] If you wake them up,

[1:24:27] it could kill them.

[1:24:27] You just have to let children sleep as long as you can.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:30] Wait,

[1:24:30] is that,

[1:24:30] is that what would happen to the,

[1:24:32] the guy who falls asleep and then becomes sleepwalker,

[1:24:35] the superhero?

[1:24:36] No,

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:37] when he falls asleep,

[1:24:37] it allows sleepwalker,

[1:24:39] the superhero to enter the waking world.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:40] But what if you wake him up?

[1:24:41] Does he die or does sleepwalker die?

[1:24:44] I think sleepwalker just gets pulled back into.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:46] So he doesn't.

[1:24:46] He vanishes until the next time he sleeps.

[1:24:48] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:48] What would happen to the sleepwalkers from the movie sleepwalkers?

[1:24:52] I mean,

[1:24:53] they do die eventually.

[1:24:55] And I don't know.

[1:24:56] We all die eventually,

[1:24:56] Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:57] I'm also not sure why they're called sleepwalkers since they're cat people.

[1:25:00] So it doesn't.

[1:25:01] They play that,

Dan McCoy

[1:25:01] that song sleepwalk a lot in the movie.

[1:25:05] You're right.

[1:25:05] That explains it.

[1:25:06] I don't know if that's why they got the name.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:08] Monsters are often,

[1:25:09] their names are denoted by what song,

[1:25:11] by what,

[1:25:11] by what classic instrumental rock they play.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:15] I think it's because they were like,

[1:25:17] can we be cat people?

[1:25:18] And they're like,

[1:25:19] nope.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:20] No,

[1:25:20] we can't call cat people.

[1:25:21] There are already movies called that.

[1:25:24] This is a movie that,

[1:25:25] to be honest,

[1:25:26] a movie about a kid who like is mad at their parents,

[1:25:29] goes and takes a nap,

[1:25:31] and then comes back.

[1:25:32] That's basically the movie,

[1:25:33] Little Fugitive,

[1:25:33] which is a great movie.

[1:25:34] Like,

[1:25:35] that's a,

[1:25:35] that's a fantastic movie.

[1:25:37] And,

[1:25:37] but it's a movie about a kid wandering around like Coney Island,

[1:25:41] basically,

[1:25:42] and then returning home.

[1:25:44] I wish they had made that movie,

[1:25:45] but instead they filled it with all the,

[1:25:47] the whimsical stuff.

[1:25:48] But here's the thing.

[1:25:48] North sometimes gets a rough shake.

[1:25:50] And I just want to point out,

[1:25:52] on the goof section of North's IMDb page,

[1:25:54] it says factual errors.

[1:25:56] Despite providing an extensive definition of borscht,

[1:25:59] the movie fails to acknowledge the fact that it's a

[1:26:00] soup.

[1:26:01] So it's mostly liquid and unsuitable for distribution via cartons.

[1:26:05] Guys,

[1:26:06] I'm sure inside those boxes,

[1:26:07] there were cans of borscht.

[1:26:09] So let's take,

[1:26:10] somebody go on IMDb and say,

[1:26:11] this is incorrectly labeled as a goof.

[1:26:13] This is a perfectly good explanation for why you would have crates of borscht.

[1:26:16] Yeah,

[1:26:16] inside the crate,

[1:26:17] there's borscht in some other container.

[1:26:19] It's not like cans of soup are just delivered in enormous cans.

[1:26:22] You have boxes of cans of soup.

[1:26:24] Yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:24] giant drums.

Matt Singer

[1:26:25] Plus it's,

[1:26:25] it's all a dream anyway.

[1:26:27] So as far as North knows,

[1:26:29] again,

[1:26:29] anything that's bad,

[1:26:30] you can just blame North.

[1:26:32] So North doesn't understand the concept of borscht.

[1:26:35] Okay.

[1:26:36] Every one of these goofs,

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:37] like for here,

[1:26:38] it says,

[1:26:38] when North North's Alaskan family is walking their grandfather to the shore,

[1:26:41] the ceiling of the studio of the scene is filmed,

[1:26:43] is filmed in as well.

[1:26:45] It's North's dream.

[1:26:46] In his dream,

[1:26:47] it was taking place in the studio.

[1:26:48] It's all North's dream.

Matt Singer

[1:26:49] He thought Alaska had a ceiling.

[1:26:51] North was an idiot.

[1:26:52] What can you say?

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:53] Errors in geography.

[1:26:54] When North is being chased through a New York airport,

[1:26:55] he passes a neon eagle on the wall.

[1:26:57] This eagle is in the Los Angeles airport.

[1:26:58] North doesn't know airport signs.

[1:27:00] It's North's dream.

[1:27:01] Rob Reiner jumps out on the IMDb page.

[1:27:03] It's North.

[1:27:03] Blame North.

[1:27:04] I'm fine.

[1:27:05] I didn't make the mistakes.

[1:27:06] North did.

[1:27:08] I love the idea that Rob Reiner can.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:10] I think Rob Reiner just sent me a text that says,

[1:27:12] all the critiques about Bruce Willis' accent are bullshit.

[1:27:15] That's how North believes he talks.

[1:27:18] Oh.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:18] Right.

[1:27:19] I love the idea of a director.

[1:27:21] He's got it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:21] Thanks for the text.

[1:27:21] I better respond to him.

[1:27:23] A director saying the movie is all a dream

[1:27:25] so that he can blame the character for the problems with the movie.

[1:27:27] We did the best with what we could.

[1:27:29] We were stuck with North's dumb dream.

[1:27:31] Okay.

[1:27:32] We tried to make it into a good movie.

Matt Singer

[1:27:35] You try to make a movie out of a 10-year-old's dream.

[1:27:38] It's not easy.

S5

[1:27:49] We have wasted this world.

[1:27:53] Our magic put a storm in the sky

[1:27:55] that has rendered the surface of our planet uninhabitable.

[1:27:59] But beneath the surface,

[1:28:01] well, that's another story entirely.

[1:28:05] In a city built leagues below the apocalypse,

[1:28:08] survivors of the storm forge paths through a strange new world.

[1:28:13] Some seek salvation for their homeland above.

[1:28:15] Others seek to chart the vast undersea expanse outside the city's walls.

[1:28:20] And others still seek, what else?

[1:28:23] Fortune and glory.

[1:28:25] Dive into the ether seat.

[1:28:27] The latest campaign from the Adventure Zone.

[1:28:29] Every other Thursday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you listen to podcasts.

S6

[1:28:36] The 2021 pin sale has begun.

[1:28:39] Thank you so much to everyone who participated in the MaxFunDrive.

[1:28:43] This is the last year for a while that we'll be doing pins for MaxFunDrive.

[1:28:46] And the fifth year that we'll be selling pins and donating all proceeds to charity.

[1:28:51] The past year proved what we already knew.

[1:28:53] That having access to the internet at home is a necessity for work, school, healthcare, and keeping in touch with family and friends.

[1:29:01] So the proceeds from this year's pin sale will go towards Everyone On, a nonprofit working to bridge the digital divide.

[1:29:08] We're grateful that with your support, we'll be able to help low-income folks gain access to affordable computers, internet services, and digital literacy programs.

[1:29:17] The sale will run until May 28th.

[1:29:19] Folks at the $10 monthly level and above will have access to all of the pins from the drive.

[1:29:24] That's 38 pins, one from every show on the network.

[1:29:27] We also have a special 2021 MaxFunDrive pin that all members can purchase.

[1:29:32] Go to MaximumFun.org slash pinsale for more info.

[1:29:36] And to learn more about Everyone On and support them directly, you can go to everyoneon.org.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:46] The Flophouse is sponsored in part by Squarespace.

[1:29:50] With Squarespace, you can turn your cool idea into a new website.

[1:29:55] You can blog or publish content.

[1:29:57] You can sell products and services of all kinds and much, much more.

[1:30:01] And Squarespace does this by giving you beautiful, customizable templates created by world-class designers.

[1:30:08] With everything optimized for mobile right out of the box.

[1:30:11] A new way to buy domains and choose from over 200 extensions.

[1:30:16] And free and secure hosting.

[1:30:18] So, go to squarespace.com slash flop for a free trial.

[1:30:23] And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code FLOP to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:31] Hey, Dan, I had an idea for a website and I was wondering if Squarespace would be able to help me with setting it up.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:36] I bet they would, but lay it on me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:39] I bet they could do it.

[1:30:39] It's called aremykidsdreamsracist.com.

[1:30:42] And it would be your place on the internet where for a small fee or maybe a membership.

[1:30:46] Maybe it's a membership in case your kids have a lot of dreams.

[1:30:49] You would type up a description of your kids' dreams.

[1:30:52] You would send it to our dream analysis experts.

[1:30:54] And they would tell you whether your kid has, you know, whether there's some subconscious is not treating people like equals the way they should or is churning through kind of outdated or offensive cultural stereotypes.

[1:31:08] And ethnic stereotypes.

[1:31:09] So, we would share these dreams around the office and laugh at them.

[1:31:13] Like, can you believe how racist this kid is?

[1:31:15] But you don't have to worry about that.

[1:31:16] It's never going to come out in public.

[1:31:17] That's just the kind of stuff any place that looks at personal.

[1:31:19] You know, if you don't think that the people who are developing your photos at the mall aren't looking at your pictures and laughing at them, of course they are.

[1:31:27] Anyway, so that's aremykidsdreamsracist.com.

[1:31:30] And it's probably going to be brought to you by Mattel.

[1:31:37] So, do you think Squarespace would be able to make that into a website?

Dan McCoy

[1:31:42] Probably.

[1:31:43] I mean, it's an interesting pivot for Mattel.

[1:31:46] But, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:47] They've been wanting to move out of the toy space and into the kid psychology space for quite some time.

[1:31:52] Yeah.

[1:31:53] Oh, great.

[1:31:54] I haven't pitched it to Mattel yet.

[1:31:55] But I figured I'd get the website up and running, slap their name on it, and then see if they have a problem with it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:00] Yeah.

[1:32:00] Stuart.

[1:32:01] I mean, it's better to ask for forgiveness than beg for permission, right?

[1:32:05] Exactly.

[1:32:05] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:06] I believe, Stuart, you have a Jumbotron to read.

[1:32:09] What's that coming?

[1:32:10] Elliot has one as well.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:11] What's that coming from the sky?

[1:32:12] It's a Jojojojo Jumbotron.

[1:32:15] I can hear that Jumbotron siren in the background.

[1:32:18] Yeah.

[1:32:19] Woo, woo, woo.

[1:32:20] Okay.

[1:32:21] Okay.

[1:32:21] Stuart and Stephanie is a scripted narrative podcast that reverses the gay best friend trope, exploring the friendship between a hopelessly single straight man and an impulsive gay woman as they navigate the world of modern dating.

[1:32:37] It's like a reverse Will and Grace, except it's not on TV and you can only listen to it.

[1:32:43] If nothing else, fans of The Flophouse will enjoy how the name reminds them of Stuart Wellington.

[1:32:51] I know, I'm excited about it.

[1:32:52] So search for Stuart and Stephanie on iTunes and subscribe.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:59] And Elliot, I believe you have a personal Jumbotron.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:02] I've got a very personal Jumbotron.

[1:33:05] This is a message for Joel and it's from Will.

[1:33:07] And the message is, happy birthday, Joel, from Will.

[1:33:10] Thank you for being my brother and for making it through a rough 2020.

[1:33:14] And thank you for introducing me to this podcast, which has helped us both understand our personalities.

[1:33:18] I'm a Dan, you're an Elliot, and we're both aspiring stewards.

[1:33:21] Dune Tom Brokaw forever.

[1:33:23] And in case you're a Joel and you have a brother who's named Will and you're not sure if this is for you or not, Joel's birthday is May 24th.

[1:33:30] So if you're a Joel who has a brother named Will and your birthday is May 24th, then happy birthday from your brother.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:35] Happy birthday.

[1:33:37] Happy birthday.

[1:33:39] Y'all got any personal plugs before we move the show along?

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:43] Hey guys, Maniac of New York continues its rampage through the comic book stores and also the streets of fictional New York.

[1:33:50] And by streets, I mean subway system.

[1:33:51] Maniac of New York, number four, should be on store shelves now if it hasn't sold out yet.

[1:33:55] And number five, the final issue of this first series comes out on June 9th.

[1:34:01] And then maybe there will be more in the future.

[1:34:04] So that's number five on June 9th.

[1:34:07] And then maybe more in the future.

[1:34:09] Maniac of New York from Aftershock Comics.

[1:34:11] It's a comic.

[1:34:12] Go buy it in the comic book store.

[1:34:14] Yeah, it's great.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:17] That's it.

[1:34:18] That's all my plugs.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:21] Okay, well, let's move on to letters from listeners.

[1:34:27] Listeners like you.

[1:34:30] Hey, how you doing?

[1:34:31] Oh, you know.

[1:34:31] It's me Dan McCoy.

[1:34:32] Oh, cool.

[1:34:34] Lizard letters.

[1:34:35] Okay.

[1:34:36] Rich, last name withheld, writes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:40] What was that about?

[1:34:42] Why was Dan's letter intro so awkward?

[1:34:45] There was something creepy about what just happened.

[1:34:48] Or am I wrong?

[1:34:50] Was I alone in feeling like Dan was being kind of weird with the letters?

[1:34:55] Is it possible Dan slept with the letters?

[1:34:58] And now things are kind of weird between them.

[1:35:01] But he's trying to play it off by seeming like it's not weird.

[1:35:04] Like he's not awkward.

[1:35:06] But becomes more awkward because it is awkward.

[1:35:09] Dan, I think you got to tell us what happened between you and the letters.

[1:35:14] Letter segment.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:16] Thank you.

[1:35:17] So moving on to the letters.

[1:35:18] This is Rich, last name withheld, who writes.

[1:35:22] So we have a general rule in our house.

[1:35:24] If you want to recount an interesting dream you've had, you need to do it in 30 seconds or less.

[1:35:30] Otherwise, it just turns into a sequence of sentences like,

[1:35:33] So I was in your house, but it wasn't really your house, etc.

[1:35:38] For example, I had a dream this week I was watching televised curling.

[1:35:42] But the name of the sport had been changed from curling to Jonathan Frakes.

[1:35:46] They even had Jonathan Frakes doing color commentary, leading to sentences like,

[1:35:51] If they want to keep the hammer, they really need to Jonathan Frakes that into you, Jonathan Frakes.

[1:35:59] What is your most memorable celebrity-based dream that can be recounted while staying within the 30 seconds of interest rule?

[1:36:08] Thanks for being a bright light in my life during an otherwise awful year.

[1:36:11] Rich, last name withheld.

[1:36:14] I forget dreams right away.

[1:36:17] And you guys may as well.

[1:36:18] So I, you know, if you can't remember any.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:22] I would say probably the one that springs to mind is the most recent,

[1:36:27] which obviously is going to be walk into dangerous, horny territory because, you know, pandemic and everything.

[1:36:34] But there was a...

[1:36:35] What?

[1:36:35] There was a...

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:36] Well, explain how those concepts are related.

[1:36:40] I don't know.

[1:36:41] The virus is...

Dan McCoy

[1:36:43] The virus is horned, Stuart, up.

[1:36:45] It's one of the...

[1:36:47] It's a side effect of COVID.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:49] Mr. President, there's a new COVID variant that makes people intensely horny.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:54] I'm just trying to blame it.

[1:36:55] It's like Rob Reiner blaming everything I'm a kid.

[1:36:57] Rob Reiner jumps out.

[1:36:58] It's Stuart's dream, everybody.

[1:37:00] Don't blame him.

[1:37:01] It was Stuart's dream.

[1:37:03] The...

[1:37:03] So...

[1:37:04] I'm a good guy.

[1:37:05] I'm liberal.

[1:37:06] Come on.

[1:37:08] But there's a picture going around the internet a little bit ago of Glenn Howerton and Christina Hendricks that is very horny.

[1:37:18] And I don't know.

[1:37:19] Seeing it a couple times just burned in my brain.

[1:37:21] And I had this very intense dream where Christina Hendricks kept touching me.

[1:37:25] And I was like, ma'am, ma'am, what is happening?

[1:37:31] So that was...

[1:37:32] Yeah, that was my most recent celebrity dream.

[1:37:35] Stuart, signing off.

[1:37:37] Okay.

[1:37:38] From the world?

[1:37:39] Or...

[1:37:40] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:42] I've been trying to rack my brain.

[1:37:43] I don't have one.

[1:37:44] If you guys don't, we can move along.

[1:37:46] But I just wanted to get that.

[1:37:47] I liked the Jonathan Frakes curling.

[1:37:48] I'll admit that that was the primary enjoyment from the letter for me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:52] I mean, I'll mention...

[1:37:54] These days, I forget my dreams pretty much as soon as I wake up, too.

[1:37:57] But there are two celebrity dreams, I guess, that I remember.

[1:37:59] One is just...

[1:38:01] I remember dreaming that I had somehow become the head writer for a show hosted by Milo

[1:38:05] Yiannopoulos.

[1:38:06] And he was yelling at me, where's the script?

[1:38:08] And I was like, I hate you.

[1:38:09] Why am I working on this show?

[1:38:11] How did I get into this?

[1:38:13] Why would I ever agree to work on this?

[1:38:15] And the other was, I actually had a dream last night, the night before recording this,

[1:38:19] where a certain comedian whose offset behavior had gotten him canceled, but who previously

[1:38:28] had done a big TV show and stuff like that, he had decided that he needed to make a movie

[1:38:33] that was his statement on race relations in America.

[1:38:35] Oh, dear.

[1:38:36] And it was me watching the movie being like, nobody needed this.

[1:38:39] Why are people in this movie?

[1:38:41] Why did he feel the need to make this movie?

[1:38:43] And everything about the movie was super tone deaf.

[1:38:45] And so I guess I only have dreams about celebrities who are problematic celebrities that I don't want

[1:38:50] to deal with.

[1:38:52] And they show up in my dreams.

[1:38:53] So don't blame me.

[1:38:53] Rob Reiner, help me with this.

[1:38:54] Don't blame me.

[1:38:55] It's my dream.

Matt Singer

[1:38:57] Yeah.

[1:38:57] You process all your problematic faves through your dream, these strange dreams.

[1:39:01] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:02] I mean, otherwise, my dreams that I remember seem to be me hanging out with people I haven't

[1:39:06] talked to in a long time.

[1:39:07] And as almost like my subconscious reminding me, like, these are friends of yours.

[1:39:10] Like, you should get in touch with them.

[1:39:11] What are you doing?

[1:39:11] You haven't talked to them in a long time.

[1:39:13] Which is a handy thing for a dream to do, you know.

Matt Singer

[1:39:16] Thank you, James.

[1:39:17] I'm not, I don't remember my dreams these days very much either.

[1:39:20] So I don't, I, the only, I don't think he counts.

[1:39:23] Does Spider-Man count as a celebrity?

[1:39:25] Yes.

[1:39:25] I have dreams.

[1:39:26] I think so.

[1:39:27] Okay.

[1:39:28] I do have Spider-Man dreams.

[1:39:32] I do sometimes have dreams that involve Spider-Man and like swinging around with Spider-Man.

[1:39:37] Still to this day.

[1:39:38] So you're not Spider-Man, but you're like friends with Spider-Man.

[1:39:40] No, I'm like his, I'm like his sidekick.

[1:39:42] That's amazing.

[1:39:43] I'm me, but I, I'm me, but I can swing with him.

[1:39:45] Oh, awesome.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:47] Do you have a costume or you're just wearing street clothes?

Matt Singer

[1:39:50] Street clothes.

[1:39:50] Okay.

[1:39:51] That's great.

[1:39:51] But I have web shooters.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:52] Yeah.

[1:39:52] I mean, that's amazing.

[1:39:53] That sounds like a great dream.

[1:39:54] I would love to have that.

Matt Singer

[1:39:54] They are, they are very pleasurable dreams when they happen.

[1:39:57] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:57] I have far too many dreams where I am doing a job that I haven't done in years and the work

[1:40:02] needs to be done right away and I don't have it ready.

[1:40:05] Like that's most of the dreams I remember.

[1:40:06] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:07] Yeah.

[1:40:07] I mean, I used to have bartender stress dreams all the time where it's like four in the morning

[1:40:11] and people keep coming in and I'm like, no, we're closing, but they don't listen.

[1:40:15] It's basically the movie mother, uh, but played out, played out my dreams.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:21] Oh, that's the part of it.

[1:40:22] The scariest part for me in the movie mother is when she keeps telling them not to sit on

[1:40:26] that sink and they keep sitting on it and it breaks off the wall.

[1:40:28] It makes me so, I got so, so tense the same way that the scariest part in the movie

[1:40:33] phone booth to me is when he's in the phone booth and he's on the phone and there are

[1:40:36] people outside the booth yelling at him and it's like, my attention is being pulled in

[1:40:40] too many directions at once.

[1:40:41] This is very stressful.

Dan McCoy

[1:40:42] Yeah.

[1:40:43] Yeah.

[1:40:43] Oh man.

[1:40:45] Uh, well we have another letter and it is from Chris, last name withheld.

[1:40:49] Uh, who writes games, uh, Garth Brooks's alter ego.

[1:40:54] Dear, dear time traveling, Dan McCoy.

[1:40:58] I'm a donor and playing an old episode.

[1:41:00] I was surprised to be accused of trying to skip the maximum fun drive pitch, especially

[1:41:05] since I was listening to an episode from an old maximum fun drive.

[1:41:08] Not only did you fail to catch me on an actual attempt to skip out of the pitch, you unfairly

[1:41:13] subjected me to extra.

[1:41:15] Time travel power should only be used for good, never for evil.

[1:41:18] Would you like to apologize for treating me so poorly?

[1:41:21] Of course, uh, this is in reference to, we did some dynamic insertions, uh, uh, before

[1:41:27] our old episodes, uh, Matt is doing some face, face takes.

[1:41:32] He's raised, uh, um, it, it just means that we put in, uh, old reminder reminders and old

[1:41:38] programs about the drive.

[1:41:40] Uh, but I would like to take this opportunity.

[1:41:43] Yes.

[1:41:43] To apologize to you, a dedicated supporter for the accusation and thank everyone again for

[1:41:50] their, uh, their, their support of the network and of our show in particular.

[1:41:55] But I am, I'm sorry, Chris, you, uh, got caught up in my net of danger and intrigue.

[1:42:04] Yeah.

[1:42:05] I don't know.

[1:42:07] Like Dennis Miller in the net.

[1:42:09] The sentence.

[1:42:10] So I just, uh, I just, uh, went on.

[1:42:14] All right.

[1:42:15] Well, now let us recommend some movies to you.

[1:42:17] Things that, uh, will almost certainly be more rewarding than watching North.

[1:42:22] Uh, I haven't watched anything that like I, I loved lately.

[1:42:26] I, I, you know, I was watching a lot of stuff that I'm like, oh, this, you know, this appeals

[1:42:30] to me as my interest.

[1:42:32] Like I watched that Liam Neeson movie, honestly, if I'm like, I'm not expecting a lot out of a

[1:42:38] late period Liam Neeson action movie.

[1:42:40] And I, I got it.

[1:42:41] Uh, and I was fine.

[1:42:42] You said an honest thief?

[1:42:43] All right.

[1:42:45] But, uh, so I'm going to go further back, uh, to something I didn't watch recently, but

[1:42:49] I remember loving.

[1:42:50] And that is Out of the Past, the classic film noir.

[1:42:55] Uh, it's got Robert Mitchum, Robert Mitchum, Jane Greer, and Kirk Douglas.

[1:43:00] What a cast, uh, directed by Jacques Turner, who did, uh, Cat People, which was invoked earlier

[1:43:07] in the, in the episode.

[1:43:09] Uh, I walked with a zombie.

[1:43:10] Uh, great director, a very poetic feeling film noir, if that's your sort of thing.

[1:43:17] Uh, Stuart, why don't you give a recommendation?

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:20] Sure.

[1:43:20] I'm going to recommend a movie that, uh, was kind of partially recommended when we had Barbara

[1:43:26] Crampton on, I just watched her new movie, Jacob's Wife, which is a vampire movie, kind

[1:43:32] of a, like a suburban monster story, kind of a play on, uh, Salem's Lot or Fright Night

[1:43:39] with like a kind of a splash of, uh, the Santa Clarita diet thrown in there.

[1:43:44] Um, and Barbara Crampton, uh, is the lead and her husband is played by Larry Fessenden and

[1:43:52] they're both great.

[1:43:52] And Barbara gives a great performance.

[1:43:54] If you like kind of small, but also kind of bloody, uh, thoughtful horror movies, give

[1:44:01] it a shot.

Dan McCoy

[1:44:02] I, I posted a dumb picture of, uh, me pretending to talk to a big cartoon of Donald Duck on

[1:44:10] the Flophouse, uh, face, uh, the Flophouse Instagram story and Barbara Crampton replied to

[1:44:16] it with a little laughing emoji.

[1:44:19] Uh, so I'm glad that she continues to follow us and check in.

[1:44:24] And doesn't seem to regret it yet.

[1:44:26] Yeah.

[1:44:26] I'm glad.

[1:44:27] And I'm glad that her new movie, uh, has been getting such good reviews.

[1:44:30] Uh, Elliot, what do you have?

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:32] Uh, I'm going to recommend, speaking of bad parents, like in North, I'm going to recommend

[1:44:36] a movie about a real bad dad.

[1:44:39] Uh, as, uh, regular listeners may know, I am still hip deep in the Criterion Channel's

[1:44:44] Czech New Wave collection of movies.

[1:44:46] Uh, took a break to watch a different movie that was not a Czech New Wave movie.

[1:44:50] That was a mistake.

[1:44:50] So I ran right back to my beloved Czech New Wave and I want to recommend The Cremator directed

[1:44:56] by Jaraj Herz.

[1:44:58] I don't know how to pronounce the names.

[1:44:59] And starring Rudolf Hruszynski.

[1:45:01] And this is a movie set in Prague in the 30s.

[1:45:04] The movie is from 1969, but it's set in Prague in the 30s, uh, where this cremator, uh, the

[1:45:10] guy who's a professional, uh, crematorium worker.

[1:45:13] He is slowly losing his mind as he becomes obsessed with this kind of strange combination

[1:45:19] of Tibetan Buddhism and Nazism as the Nazi party is emerging as more and more of a force

[1:45:25] and threatening the country more and more.

[1:45:27] And it's a very Alfred Hitchcock-y type of movie, uh, as this guy descends into violent

[1:45:33] madness, uh, under the influence of these things, believing the whole time that he is, uh, really

[1:45:40] doing the best that he can to protect his family, which leans to horrifying results for everybody.

[1:45:45] Uh, but it's a really cool looking movie.

[1:45:47] Uh, it's super, uh, creepy and super suspenseful, uh, kind of from moment one.

[1:45:53] Like there's a lot of movies where there's suspense scenes and, and creep scenes and then

[1:45:57] kind of like breathers.

[1:45:59] And this one is not, it's just, it's just straight creepy for the entire two hours.

[1:46:04] Uh, and I thought it was really good.

[1:46:06] It's a movie that Czechoslovakia entered for the Academy Awards for best

[1:46:10] foreign language, but it was not accepted as a nominee, probably because it was too scary.

[1:46:14] So that's the cremator.

Dan McCoy

[1:46:17] And Matt, as a professional film critic, you get the headliner slot.

[1:46:23] Uh, what would you like to recommend?

Matt Singer

[1:46:26] Um, actually my-

Dan McCoy

[1:46:27] You're not legally allowed to recommend Jim Cotter.

Matt Singer

[1:46:30] Okay.

[1:46:30] Well, let me, hold on.

[1:46:31] Let me find something else really quick here.

[1:46:33] Okay.

[1:46:35] Uh, my, my recommendation.

[1:46:36] I also watched on the Criterion channel, but a very different movie.

[1:46:40] It is, um, multiple maniacs, which is John Waters first.

[1:46:47] I don't think it's his first movie, but it's like his first sound feature with like sync

[1:46:51] sound and everything.

[1:46:52] I had never seen it.

[1:46:53] I'm a John Waters fan and I saw that on there and, uh, it's great.

[1:46:58] It's a little rough around the edges.

[1:47:00] Uh, but I mean, that's kind of, I mean, no good-

Elliott Kalan

[1:47:03] It's not the glossy, polished corporate product we expect from John Waters.

Matt Singer

[1:47:07] Exactly.

[1:47:08] Exactly.

[1:47:09] So, yes.

[1:47:10] But it, I mean, in his movies that always, you know, that, that adds a lovely texture

[1:47:14] and this one, I mean, it's, it's, it's a variation on a theme.

[1:47:17] It's sort of a kind of a, kind of a dry run for pink flamingos in some ways.

[1:47:23] And Divine is the star and is, is great.

[1:47:26] And it's just, you know, it is the, uh, the shock, uh, trash kind of stuff you, you, uh,

[1:47:32] want from John Waters.

[1:47:33] And I just thought it was, uh, quite horrifying and delightful.

[1:47:36] And, um, I don't want to spoil the end of the movie, but a giant lobster is involved

[1:47:42] just randomly out of nowhere, which I thought was really, really wonderful.

[1:47:46] Uh, so yeah, I was like, this is totally awesome.

[1:47:49] If you like John Waters movies and you've never seen it, it's totally, uh, it's very

[1:47:53] much, uh, on par with all of his other great stuff.

[1:47:56] So yeah, it's on, and it's on a Criterion channel and it looks amazing.

[1:47:59] Like apparently the, I remember like the movie was very hard to find for years and years

[1:48:03] cause it was so obscure and he made it like on, I think 16 millimeter, like, and just

[1:48:09] supposedly for like decades, like the movie was like sitting in his attic or something.

[1:48:14] And, uh, the Criterion collection restored it.

[1:48:17] It looks like astonishingly good for that sort of thing.

[1:48:20] And, uh, sounds really good.

[1:48:22] And yeah, it's really, it's a, it's a fun time on the Criterion channel.

[1:48:26] So yeah, multiple maniacs.

Elliott Kalan

[1:48:28] Nice.

[1:48:28] And that was, that was start, that was doing the groundbreaking work that eventually led

[1:48:32] to 10,000 maniacs.

[1:48:33] They just, they started with multiple and they was like, can we have more than one maniac?

[1:48:37] It went maniac, multiple maniacs, 10,000 maniacs.

[1:48:40] And now the sky's the limit when it comes to maniacs and everything.

Stuart Wellington

[1:48:44] And how are, and how are you going to keep those, uh, all those maniacs in line?

[1:48:48] Maniac cop or maniac cop too.

Dan McCoy

[1:48:51] Yeah.

[1:48:53] I, I want to know how all those maniacs, uh, you know, afforded maniac mansion.

[1:48:57] Cause that, you know, like it seems like you wouldn't be able to hold down a job to buy

[1:49:01] a big mansion.

Stuart Wellington

[1:49:02] But just, just to clarify, can you see all those maniacs?

[1:49:06] So they're, they're, they're all invisible maniacs.

[1:49:09] Okay.

[1:49:10] Interesting.

Dan McCoy

[1:49:10] That's, that must be it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:49:11] Yeah.

[1:49:11] That's, that's why they can dance on the, like they've never danced before as maniacs

[1:49:15] on the floor because they're invisible.

[1:49:16] So it doesn't matter.

[1:49:16] They can dance like nobody's watching cause they can't see them.

Stuart Wellington

[1:49:19] And where are they going to go out dancing?

[1:49:20] New York city, home of the maniac of New York.

Elliott Kalan

[1:49:23] Oh, that's right.

[1:49:25] Glad we could get this around to a plug for me.

[1:49:28] But anyway, we don't need to get into it now.

Dan McCoy

[1:49:30] Speaking of plugs.

[1:49:31] Uh, so Matt, thank you so much.

[1:49:33] We want to get you back to your family.

[1:49:35] I don't care about getting Elliot back to his family.

[1:49:37] Uh, this is his job, but you as our special guest, uh, before we go, is there anything

[1:49:42] you want to plug at all?

Matt Singer

[1:49:46] Well, people can read a screen crush.

[1:49:48] That's where I'm working most days.

[1:49:51] Screen crush.com.

[1:49:52] Um, you mentioned at the very beginning, that's my Spider-Man book.

[1:49:56] I, it is still available.

[1:49:58] It's called, uh, Spider-Man.

[1:50:00] I should really know the name of my own book.

[1:50:02] I think it's from amazing to spectacular.

[1:50:03] Spider-Man from amazing to spectacular.

[1:50:05] Yes.

[1:50:06] Spider-Man from amazing to spectacular.

[1:50:07] The definitive comic art collection has a very long title.

[1:50:11] And I was, I was, uh, yeah, it's like a history of Spider-Man comics.

Elliott Kalan

[1:50:14] By coincidence, I was looking at that very book with my children this morning.

[1:50:18] I was, I was like, yeah, they, they were up.

[1:50:20] It was way too early on a, on a Sunday.

[1:50:22] And I said, do you guys want to look at pictures of Spider-Man in this book?

[1:50:24] And they said, yes.

[1:50:25] And so we were just flipping through it and having a great time.

[1:50:28] Just looking at pictures of Spider-Man, but it's a good, it's a good book to read too.

[1:50:31] They were not reading it.

[1:50:32] They were just, you know, picture looking at, but yeah.

Matt Singer

[1:50:35] Well, I drew all the pictures.

[1:50:36] Wow.

[1:50:37] They say, they say Steve Ditko and John Romita and all those folks, but really it was me.

Dan McCoy

[1:50:43] Wow.

[1:50:43] Excellent.

[1:50:43] Really impressive.

Matt Singer

[1:50:44] You're welcome.

[1:50:44] You're welcome is what I'm trying to say.

Dan McCoy

[1:50:46] Well, uh, thank you once again to our listeners for listening and, uh, supporting us.

[1:50:52] Thank you to Maximum Fun.

[1:50:54] Go to MaximumFun.org to, uh, check out all the other great shows on the network.

[1:51:01] Uh, I listened to several of them myself.

[1:51:04] Um, and, uh, you know, tweet about us, spread the word.

[1:51:07] If you like the show, you know, try and, uh, share it with others.

[1:51:10] Don't push it on other people.

[1:51:12] Maybe they don't want to listen to it.

[1:51:13] That's fine.

Elliott Kalan

[1:51:15] But, uh, there's a reason that, there's a reason I refuse, I refuse to read my kids' green eggs and ham because the lesson of that book is if someone says no, keep pushing it until they break down.

[1:51:23] And I say no.

[1:51:24] So with the Flophouse, if you say, hey, you like, you'd like this podcast.

[1:51:26] And they say, no, thanks.

[1:51:27] Just say, okay, go about your business, sir.

[1:51:29] And just, uh, you know, cut off all ties with that person.

Dan McCoy

[1:51:33] Yeah.

[1:51:33] But we appreciate it, uh, uh, that you, you know, that you thought to try.

[1:51:37] Uh, but anyway, for the Flophouse, I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:51:42] Hey, and I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:51:43] And real quick, I want to do an extra double thank you to Jordan Cowling for handling all this stuff, producing our show, making it sound, uh, much better than it sounds right now.

[1:51:54] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:51:56] I'm Ellie Kalin.

[1:51:57] Sorry.

[1:51:58] I didn't know Stuart was done yet.

[1:51:59] I'm also Ellie Kalin.

Matt Singer

[1:52:01] And I'm Ed Singer.

[1:52:03] I was told to say my name last.

Elliott Kalan

[1:52:04] And I'm Rob Reiner.

[1:52:05] And if you didn't like anything in this episode, it's North's dream.

[1:52:08] It's not these, it's not these guys' fault.

[1:52:10] Look, they didn't know what they were saying.

[1:52:11] It's North.

[1:52:13] It was North's fault.

[1:52:14] As Rob Reiner's being pulled away by the, the insane asylum attendants in the white coats.

[1:52:17] It was North, I tell you.

S6

[1:52:19] North.

Dan McCoy

[1:52:32] I put that up mostly because it looks so empty behind me.

[1:52:36] Um, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:52:38] Now it's full of bison.

[1:52:40] Oh, okay.

[1:52:42] M. Bison.

S6

[1:52:48] MaximumFun.org

[1:52:50] Comedy and culture.

S7

[1:52:52] Artist owned.

[1:52:53] Audience supported.

Ep. #343 - North, with Matt Singer

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