FH Mini 34 - Missed That Movie: Invitation to Hell

[0:00] Hey! Welcome to a Flop House Mini.

[0:09] The beauty of that was you just told us right before we started recording that it was going to be perfect.

[0:14] One take Wellington, that's what they call me.

[0:16] Hey, I'm Stuart Wellington, one of the hosts of the hit podcast, the Flop House Podcast.

[0:20] You're listening to one of our mini episodes.

[0:22] Now normally when we record, we've just recently watched a bad movie,

[0:26] and the show is us reviewing it plus other stuff.

[0:29] Tonight, we're not doing that at all.

[0:30] It's just the other stuff.

[0:32] It's a mini, it's other stuff.

[0:34] If this is your first episode, probably slam on the brakes, hit reverse, pick a different episode.

[0:41] Then you can come back to this one when you have a little bit of affection for us,

[0:44] and you like our brand of shenanigans.

[0:46] And then you're like, oh yeah, I'm willing to just sort of sit here while they dick around for a while.

[0:51] I'll put up with these guys.

[0:53] Now the thing is, you're not just putting up with these guys.

[0:56] These guys being me, Stuart Wellington, and my two co-hosts, Dan, that's right, Dirty Dan McCoy.

[1:01] That's me.

[1:02] And Elliot over there, the main man, Elliot Kalin.

[1:05] Wubba wubba.

[1:06] Is that my catchphrase?

[1:08] Yeah, wubba wubba.

[1:10] We're joined by a special guest this time.

[1:12] Not only is this gentleman the editor of our show and producer, I guess, editor and producer.

[1:19] He has been a longtime figure on the show.

[1:22] He helped write the Song of the Summer.

[1:24] He's the house cat.

[1:26] He edits and adds sound effects and does all kinds of great stuff to our Flop Tales bonus content,

[1:32] which you can access by becoming a MaxFun supporter.

[1:36] That's right.

[1:37] We are joined by musician, comedian, best man at my wedding, Alex Smith.

[1:43] How are you doing, Alex?

[1:45] What's up, guys?

[1:46] It's nice to see Dirty Dan and Elliot over there, Kalin.

[1:51] I believe I was also called the main man.

[1:55] Elliot over there, Kalin's main bit is that he's never quite where he's supposed to be.

[2:00] He's always slightly further away than you think he's going to be.

[2:03] Yeah, yeah.

[2:04] I love it.

[2:05] And Alan Moore would write the shit out of that character.

[2:08] Oh, but he'd be doing all sorts of disgusting things, and it would turn into a lot of—

[2:13] Instant sensual.

[2:16] Sometimes.

[2:17] And then it would turn into a lot of in-jokes about British cartoon characters from the 1940s and 50s,

[2:23] where I'd be like, I guess I understand this now.

[2:26] Wasn't this supposed to be about the great characters of literature fighting crime or something?

[2:30] Stop getting me excited, Elliot.

[2:32] I guess you're a snake goddess now, too?

[2:34] Okay, whatever.

[2:35] Sounds right.

[2:36] I haven't read any Alan Moore, but I did see a—

[2:39] Get the fuck out of here.

[2:40] I saw a panel just this last week or something of a woman jacking off a big frog.

[2:48] Yeah.

[2:49] Your beard is very reminiscent of Alan Moore's beard.

[2:54] Yeah.

[2:55] There's a—

[2:56] Oh, boy.

[2:57] That's a point of connection.

[2:58] Yeah, when you went to the barber to get your beard trimmed up, did you select the wizard picture on the wall?

[3:05] Yeah, I sat down in the chair.

[3:06] I scrolled through different mirrors like I was in Red Dead, and I picked the Alan Moore.

[3:13] You said, get me the Dumbledore, the Jared Harris, not the Michael Gambon.

[3:18] Oh, sorry.

[3:19] I meant—

[3:20] Richard Harris.

[3:22] I'm sorry.

[3:23] Richard Harris, not his son, Jared Harris.

[3:24] Man.

[3:26] That's the thing.

[3:27] That's a point of contention because he—

[3:28] Jared Harris lobbied pretty hard to get the role of young Dumbledore in Fantastic Beasts.

[3:31] Yumbledore.

[3:32] Young Dumbledore.

[3:33] Yumbledore.

[3:34] It's a Dumbledore that fucks.

[3:35] I think we've clearly established that.

[3:37] Yeah.

[3:38] Young, dumb, and full of Cumbledore.

[3:40] Is that Jared Harris—

[3:42] He wears that shirt to fucking spring break all the time.

[3:45] I'm like, cool it, dude.

[3:47] Then he bumps into his students' families who are also on vacation, and it's very awkward.

[3:51] But the real awkward thing was that Jared Harris actually lobbied hard to get old Dumbledore the role.

[3:55] So it was him against his father for the role of old Dumbledore, or Obledore, as he's also called.

[4:00] Yeah.

[4:02] Obledore will stain.

[4:06] Old, cold, and full of Moldledore.

[4:11] Not as popular of a T-shirt.

[4:14] He still wore it.

[4:15] Still sells.

[4:16] Just not in the—

[4:17] It does sell.

[4:18] I mean, the other T-shirt is such a hot seller, and this one is still—it's a solid mid-list seller.

[4:21] Yeah.

[4:22] I mean, that's more of a joke gift that people wear initially ironically, and then you're like, no, it's comfortable.

[4:28] It wears into my—my body feels good in it.

[4:30] Do you want pictures of elderly people wearing it over the shirt they were already wearing while blowing out candles on a cake?

[4:36] Yeah.

[4:37] Yeah, I was going to say it's a really popular one to bring home to an uncle is what it sounds like.

[4:44] You'll like this.

[4:46] Yeah, that's what it says in the catalog.

[4:47] There's just a starburst, and inside it says, bring it home to your uncle.

[4:52] You don't know what he likes.

[4:54] You don't know what he likes.

[4:55] He's your uncle.

[4:56] How often do you see him?

[4:57] Maybe he wants a shirt that says old, cold, and full of mold.

[5:00] Great.

[5:01] He's your dad's brother.

[5:02] What are you supposed to do with that?

[5:03] You don't know.

[5:04] Yeah, you don't know.

[5:05] You don't know him at all.

[5:06] He's got a fake smile on every time you've seen him in your life.

[5:09] Tell me about it.

[5:10] Well, there's—the thing is that he's smiling, but in his eyes, those eyes aren't smiling.

[5:14] There's sadness in there.

[5:15] Well, those eyes have seen a lot of love, but they'll never see another like yours.

[5:18] So that's really why he's not smiling, yeah.

[5:22] Alex, thanks so much for joining us.

[5:24] Really appreciate it.

[5:25] Of course.

[5:26] What a pleasure.

[5:27] So, Stu, is there any other—is there any thread running through this episode other

[5:31] than Alex being with us, which is enough?

[5:33] A phantom thread.

[5:34] So that's the thing.

[5:35] Or a phantom menace.

[5:37] What if the phantom thread was the sequel to The Phantom Menace?

[5:40] I think it would go like this.

[5:43] Yeah.

[5:44] You explain a lot.

[5:45] Jar Jar keeps feeding Anakin mushrooms.

[5:49] Me so want to control you.

[5:51] How does the relationship work on that level?

[5:57] Wow.

[5:58] Bryce himself there.

[6:00] Yeah.

[6:01] Well, guys, am I the only one whose favorite scene in Phantom Thread was when he was ordering breakfast?

[6:07] Oh, yeah.

[6:08] And she's like, you're a hungry boy.

[6:10] And I guess I was in such suspense because I was like, how is he going to eat all that?

[6:15] But you never actually see him eating it.

[6:17] It was like a Groundhog Day breakfast that he was ordering.

[6:20] Yeah, it's the kind of breakfast that a character in a movie sits down to and then is like,

[6:25] oh, I got to run.

[6:26] And you're like, what?

[6:27] There's like a full breakfast.

[6:29] Yeah.

[6:31] Pulls me out of every movie I've ever seen when somebody steps up from a full plate of food.

[6:36] Yeah.

[6:37] Irishman, why aren't you sitting down to eat all that food, Irishman?

[6:40] Daniel Day-Lewis might as well have said, give me the Pee-Wee's Big Adventure.

[6:43] And they just put down a whole table of breakfast that he would take one bite of and walk away.

[6:47] Yes.

[6:48] He's ordering from, he's like, please, Vicky Creeps, bring me the Mr. T cereal.

[6:55] So I can pour it all over my scones.

[6:58] So today we're doing something that we've done in the past.

[7:05] One of the first minis that we recorded was a thing called Miss That Movie.

[7:10] It's become a classic Flathouse mini.

[7:14] People love it.

[7:15] I still get emails every day about Rusty the dog, Rusty, A Dog's Tale.

[7:19] I don't even remember the name of the movie.

[7:21] That's how excited I am every time I get one of those emails.

[7:23] I don't even read it.

[7:25] So what happens, I actually originally watched that movie with my buddy Alex.

[7:30] Yeah, we watched it together.

[7:32] So Alex, you're the inspiration for Miss That Movie.

[7:35] And we were talking, I'm like, I got to get Alex on.

[7:38] He always watches movies that we missed.

[7:40] And so today we finally realized that fantasy.

[7:44] Yeah.

[7:45] Yeah, I'm very excited to be on here.

[7:47] And I sent a text to Stuart about this movie.

[7:50] I'm hoping that got relayed to you guys and that you haven't seen this movie.

[7:54] Also, warning, guys.

[7:57] The text was not relayed to us.

[7:59] I've been micro dosing THC gummies today.

[8:02] So let's just say I'm in a weird place.

[8:05] How micro?

[8:08] Wow.

[8:09] What counts as micro?

[8:10] How many of those THC gummies could dance on the head of a pin?

[8:13] I don't know.

[8:14] I mean, that's the thing.

[8:15] I'm micro dosing.

[8:16] So if I take a handful, it's fine, right?

[8:19] Remember when we were kids, everything was so much looser,

[8:22] and they had those ads for micro dose machines with the guy talking real fast,

[8:26] telling about how great it would be to just take tiny doses of drugs?

[8:29] Uh-huh.

[8:30] And it feels like he's just talking forever.

[8:32] Well, yeah, because you're micro dosing.

[8:35] Your experience of time is totally out of whack.

[8:37] So you think he's talking really fast, but it's not taking him a long time?

[8:40] And the whole time I'm like, is the food he's eating extra clean

[8:44] because his mustache brushes off all the dust?

[8:48] I literally have never thought of that, but I love it.

[8:53] Is that a secret power of mustaches?

[8:57] It's a thing.

[8:58] But I haven't been thinking about this.

[8:59] If you ever look really close at someone who's eating,

[9:02] you notice their mustache is swishing back and forth like in a car wash,

[9:05] just knocking all the dust off their food.

[9:07] Yeah, yeah.

[9:08] I've got to stop trimming my mustache.

[9:11] I'm losing half of the efficacy.

[9:14] The whole time I'm like, I wish I was inside that food right now.

[9:20] Watching the thing brush me clean.

[9:24] Your advice earlier that you should build up some affection for us

[9:28] before listening to this episode has never been truer.

[9:32] So, Alex, what's this movie that you texted Stewart about and he didn't tell us?

[9:36] It's called Invitation to Hell.

[9:38] Oh, I've never seen it.

[9:40] I have not, but I guess it got lost in the comments.

[9:43] I guess it got lost in the mail.

[9:44] Yeah, is it in the Criterion Collection?

[9:48] What Czech New Wave director made this one?

[9:51] Because I may not have been exposed to it otherwise.

[9:54] Was it Jan Nemec?

[9:56] Well, you know what?

[9:58] It's funny you should ask who it's directed by.

[10:00] by because it's a made-for-tv movie which you might think is directed by

[10:04] somebody you've never heard of yeah but this one was directed by Wes Craven

[10:09] this is a Wes Craven directed uh let's see i gotta pull this up like

[10:15] early in his career late in his career it's from 1984

[10:18] so right in the middle of his career so right uh so

[10:22] yeah i that was his like yeah that was his like off year that he directed

[10:26] under his under his pseudonym East Craven

[10:30] didn't elm street come out on in 84 like that's

[10:34] it sounds like that it sounds like that's around the time right but wait

[10:37] no it's is elm street like 80 i i'm spacing on

[10:42] whether it was earlier than 84 only one way to find out came out in

[10:46] 84 oh 84 yeah okay but he had already made

[10:49] like the house the house at the end of the end of the street or whatever it's

[10:52] called last house on the left house on the end of the street

[10:54] last house on the left yeah we all agree it's a house

[10:59] somewhere and it's the and it's the last house there's no other house as

[11:02] fast as berry about where the house was but oh yeah and he made the hills have

[11:06] eyes well this isn't i'm saying i'm gonna say

[11:10] he's not slumming it in this like this is not uh like he

[11:13] want this one a primetime emmy for art direction

[11:16] uh it's uh written by what the guy who wrote like universal soldier so maybe

[11:22] that's not a great example but somebody who has

[11:25] some big ideas big ideas oh look at this robert

[11:29] uric susan lucci yeah mccarthy yeah it's got it and it's got uh the

[11:34] guy from murphy brown who plays uh what frank um it's a lael moon fries in

[11:39] it what's his name regal regal

[11:42] handbag situation over here i love i love me some imdb

[11:46] yeah oh it's a i mean you'll find a ton of great stuff in the in the imdb this

[11:50] was so yeah we learned a lot recently about the gunny and betty lose handbag

[11:57] yeah if if at any point my description of this movie gets super boring feel

[12:01] free to jump back into the universe of betty

[12:04] i just want i just i may have to correct you on something alex do you say it one

[12:07] art direction in the emmys according to imdb

[12:11] nominated sorry i'm gonna have to look up

[12:16] okay now see i i i think it's a prize just to be nominated personally it lost

[12:23] to a production of a streetcar named desire

[12:25] oh sorry i mean that seems like that seems like a lazy choice from the uh

[12:31] television academy it does seem like a very lazy choice

[12:33] yeah i never but this was but anne margaret is blanche dubois tree williams

[12:37] is stanley kowalski beverly daniel williams estella

[12:40] randy quaid as mitch you know what guys we should be talking about this one

[12:44] okay oh a different bill different bill erwin not with an i but with an e the

[12:53] guy who's in planes trains and automobiles and home

[12:55] alone he's also a contortionist right he's the old guy in the airport in both

[13:00] of the in in every johnny movie apparently now in case you're wondering

[13:03] this is outstanding art direction for a limited series or a special

[13:06] a sending art direction for series went to the duck factory the early jim carrey

[13:10] vehicle oh i don't i don't know anything about that

[13:13] we're struck down all right well never mind forget it

[13:16] continue so invitation to hell yeah invitation to hell

[13:20] is uh here's the thing so here's how i found this movie

[13:23] is uh is through the pandemic one of the things that i did to keep myself

[13:27] entertained and try to uh like do entertaining stuff not being

[13:31] able to do shows and um uh regular um

[13:37] just my regular stuff that i do um both on stage and online

[13:41] um i uh we started watching movies on twitch on my on my stream the big

[13:48] howlin possum stream in my other moniker that is big

[13:52] how okay nice nice plug i like it there there

[13:55] we go big howlin possum uh uh stream so we started watching movies on

[14:00] that that's what stewart came on and watched uh rusty with us

[14:04] didn't we also watch that dolly parton kenny kenny rogers

[14:07] uh holiday special we want yeah we watched a christmas special with uh

[14:12] with kenny and and dolly it was taped off of like new zealand tv so

[14:16] it's all like all the ads were for like summertime shit

[14:20] yeah the movie the movie was pretty the movie was pretty weak but the

[14:23] ads were all for like sunscreen on australian beaches so there was like a

[14:27] nice little treat every you know 10 minutes or whatever but

[14:31] uh so one of the things that we started

[14:32] doing on twitch was just was just watching a movie a lot of times just

[14:36] something on youtube and a lot of times we would pick made for tv stuff because

[14:40] we wouldn't have to freak out and worry about the terms of service if something

[14:43] naked happened on it if we picked a uh uh

[14:47] made for tv movie and this which we watched with my friend mandy who's a

[14:52] great uh great comedian here in louisville

[14:54] um kentucky where i live this this one turned out to be like a real treat

[14:59] from the pandemic for me where it was very memorable and i i was like

[15:03] i definitely want to go back and watch that again and i definitely want to tell

[15:06] other people that they should go check it out

[15:08] because it is great it's very uh it's very of its time but it's got a lot of

[15:11] great art direction like the as the emmy

[15:15] nominated uh not quite as good as car name

[15:17] desire but up there which feature there was a different treat

[15:21] treat williams it's got uh i i would argue it's got great

[15:26] it's got great pacing it's got great performances and

[15:29] the value like the value of it maybe not the it's not like

[15:32] it's clearly not a big hollywood movie but the overall value of it

[15:36] is better than what you expect from a made for tv

[15:40] film in my opinion it's really good now just to remind listeners at home

[15:44] miss that movie what happens is uh alex is going to walk us through the movie a

[15:49] little bit yeah and then we have to determine if we

[15:53] are sad we missed it right glad we missed it

[15:57] or had to not miss it and we go and watch

[16:02] i'm not sure about the tense of that last one

[16:06] we're like i'm pretty sure let me check my rhyming dictionary it checks out

[16:12] okay well asked and answered i guess i think you guys are going to rate this

[16:17] as sad you missed it once you hear the first

[16:20] 20 seconds of this movie what happens in the first 20 seconds

[16:23] so what happens is we are in somewhere in california we find out it's basically

[16:27] silicon valley and uh there is a limo driver driving a

[16:32] limo into a makes sense so far checks out

[16:35] okay yeah uh just riding an alligator would be

[16:41] ridiculous so driving a limo makes more sense

[16:44] driving driving a limo onto the parking lot

[16:48] of a country club that is called the steaming springs

[16:52] country club outsteps uh outstep susan lucci in an

[16:57] outfit that looks like she's about to board the moonraker she's wearing like a

[17:01] red like jumpsuit or you know like onesie

[17:05] type long suit um and metal real quick real

[17:09] quick dan you probably already picked out an

[17:12] outfit that you would wear if you were going to board the moonraker

[17:15] what is dan was dan was sitting the moon right is that your housing t-shirt

[17:19] i know for days sam was sitting at home expecting jeff bezos's car to come get

[17:22] him to go on the spaceship and i know it was a big disappointment

[17:25] for you dan when you found out the launch had happened and they had not

[17:27] sent a car to pick you up so what outfit did you pick for space

[17:31] uh it's kind of i mean it's it's like i basically stapled two

[17:35] really big potato chip uh bags uh together over myself like one on

[17:41] top of me one below me oh so not like a sandwich board like it

[17:45] like a diaper like a onesie we in in uh where i come from we call that

[17:50] an utsedo

[17:53] i'm just you know i'm afraid of the like you know like space rays

[17:57] different kinds of and you figure what's more protected than potato chips i better

[18:00] use the space age technology that keeps them pure

[18:04] keeps them crunchy will keep me safe now what about your now this covered your

[18:08] arms and legs too or i'm imagining like a onesie with your arms and legs sticking

[18:11] out of it i i'm in sort of a pod at that point

[18:14] so these are very big potato chip bags yeah yeah yeah like human-sized potato

[18:18] chip bags yeah sam's yeah no i've went to costco for these

[18:22] okay

[18:25] human-sized potato chip bags like bags that hold human-sized potato chips yeah

[18:29] it holds it holds seven human-sized potato chips when they're that big you

[18:32] don't need that many of them just crack off a piece and have it

[18:35] that's true usda recommends one-fourth of a potato chip

[18:40] i don't know if the usd recommend usda recommends any potato chips really as

[18:43] part of your daily diet they'll allow it but i don't know i've

[18:47] been listening to like dan there are four food groups

[18:51] potato chips ice cream cheetos and spicy cheetos yeah i'm sorry to

[18:56] report that it stands for u.s dumbass

[19:04] oh so susan lucci was in a limousine going to space

[19:09] okay so the two women in bikinis step out into the parking lot and they

[19:14] distract the limo driver he's like he's sort of gawking at them and he

[19:18] almost runs over susan lucci

[19:22] but she drops to the ground very quickly like just sort of as if she's like

[19:28] spring-loaded right she just sort of drops back to the ground

[19:31] the the limo drives over her and then he freaks out because he knows he almost

[19:36] that she's the director of the country club and he's he must have killed her

[19:41] and he slams on the brakes turns around she pops up behind the car

[19:48] does a finger gun at him with two fingers

[19:51] i believe and uh the the back the rear windshield of the limo

[19:58] shatters and he belts

[20:00] seat and then she comes around and laughs at his like charred burned up

[20:04] corpse in the front seat of the car. You did not under sell this Alex. Yeah. How? I think

[20:14] you're gonna find that out. Dan I think I'm gonna tell you what I tell what I

[20:16] tell my son Sammy all the time which is if the movie doesn't want you to know

[20:20] something yet they won't tell you and they'll tell you when they want you to

[20:23] know it. He's he's big on the like who's that what's that where's that what's

[20:26] that going on where's that we're slowly in pieces watching episode 2 attack of

[20:31] the clones which is the worst Star Wars movie probably to watch slowly in pieces

[20:34] because it feels like it'll never end and he's comes like what's that

[20:37] character what's that you'll find out it's supposed to be a mystery. It's a

[20:40] mystery yeah that's what I was saying who's Sifo-Dyas like don't worry it'll

[20:45] all be explained. It's hard to actually tell the Star Wars movie because it's either

[20:48] you'll find out just hold on or you'll never see that character again it

[20:51] doesn't matter just buy the toy like they never they'll get no more screen

[20:55] time. Now Stuart you said I didn't undersell the movie so let me let me ask

[21:00] should I have should I said no the two first two to 20 seconds or whatever is

[21:04] boring or what should I have said instead to to prepare you all for Susan

[21:10] Lucci finger gunning a guy to death. No what I was saying is that you you didn't

[21:14] undersell that means you sold it right? You sold it accurately. Is that what it means?

[21:18] Yeah that's what I'm okay wait I'm here I think I heard that wrong so yeah okay I

[21:24] I did a double negative. Now Alex what is it what is it in your in your makeup that

[21:30] makes you see compliments as attacks this is I think we need to get into well

[21:35] I just always feel like I could strive to do better Elliot honestly okay like I

[21:40] could like I could be working harder that's it that actually sounds pretty

[21:43] good in a producer guys so I don't know I don't know I could I could literally

[21:51] describe every scene of this movie now I've now watched it three times and I

[21:54] could tell you. Well this is a Flophouse mini which means you only have an hour and a half to tell people things. We only have the rest of time. We only have three three to four times as much as an

[22:04] average episode of 99% invisible with one one hundredth the information. So after

[22:09] that happens the limo driver melts and Susan Lucci comes over and laughs at him

[22:13] and then um so then we cut to a family driving across the country and this is

[22:20] Robert Urich what's her name Joanna Cassidy from Spencer you could hire him

[22:26] if you like Robert Urich and also Lazarus yeah I think so I think yeah was

[22:34] he in Ice Pirates only one way to find out Syria was Robert Urich in Ice Pirates

[22:43] I'll look into that pull up Betty Lou's handbag and find out let's find out

[22:47] let's open up Betty Lou's handbag yes he played the role of Jason thank you

[22:51] Siri yeah so and then it's so it's it's Robert Urich plays Matt Winslow oh his

[23:00] wife is Pat Winslow played by Joanne Cassidy from she's a Dolores in Who

[23:06] Framed Roger Rabbit and she's in she's a Blade Runner and their and their

[23:11] superhero son bat Winslow criminals are superstitious cowardly lot I shall

[23:20] become a bat Winslow I'll address as a Winslow the family from Family Matters

[23:24] what different family called Winslow there's a there's a older boy maybe eight

[23:31] or nine and then there's a younger girl maybe five or six something like that

[23:35] you meet this family you find out they're nice you find out they're nice

[23:39] people and you find out that he's some kind of genius who's being brought to

[23:43] work on a top-secret tech operation for some company you find out that sorry I

[23:51] just spilled tea on my keyboard it's gonna be fine it's gonna be fine I it's

[23:59] funny I spilled it on a spot where I had already spilled tea before and I haven't

[24:04] had those keys for a couple months so the so you know plus side of a producer

[24:11] is that they care about the work they do drawback is that he doesn't have keys

[24:16] that work on his that's a trade-off that's the trade-off when you look for a

[24:20] great producer you say do his keys work they do then I'm not interested yeah do

[24:26] you have how is your tab do you have a good function producer schools they say

[24:33] put on all your keys and then take one key well the thing I've been telling my

[24:40] my twitch chat is that I will replace the keyboard when I have a third key go

[24:45] out and I think we might have done it here tonight it's a three strikes rule

[24:50] with the with the keyboard for me we get to their house in the neighborhood that

[24:56] they're gonna be living in which is apparently a pretty tight-knit but

[24:59] wealthy affluent neighborhood in Silicon Valley where everybody works on

[25:03] computers and stuff and and they are sitting down for their first night

[25:08] together and oh we find out that the kid the the boy we find out that he's very

[25:12] smart and into computers because while the movers are moving all their stuff

[25:17] into the house he's sitting at a computer and one of the movers is like

[25:22] what are you playing a game and he goes no I'm checking the inventory and the

[25:26] guy goes what why are you checking because apparently this kid has an

[25:29] inventory of everything that was in the house and the guy sort of makes fun of

[25:33] him and then he says well I know it I know that a candy bar is already missing

[25:37] and the mover goes oh and then he like sneaks a candy bar out of his pocket and

[25:42] puts it like up on the kids bed like the kid caught him and he says something

[25:46] about kids these days or something but you learn that the kid is very good at

[25:50] computers and brilliant and extremely extremely anal if he is

[25:55] I'm not really sure how this this machine this program works sir sir sir

[26:01] this piggy bank had 97 pennies in it and now shakes it it sounds like it only has

[26:06] 96 here you go this ziploc bag had 14 camel cash camel bucks in it the kid is

[26:19] also a heavy smoker he smokes camel wides it was 1984 it was a different

[26:26] time yeah so so that then the family is sort of gathered around the fire and I

[26:32] think they're like singing a song or so they're doing something very wholesome

[26:35] and very quaint and and everyone's having a great time and then you we get

[26:39] the first jump scare of the movie and it's because there's some rustling

[26:42] outside and then some people wearing masks like suddenly pop up in like a

[26:47] sliding glass door and you go ah you freak out and it turns out it's one of

[26:52] Matt Winslow's old frat buddies and his family frat we were already higher-ups

[26:57] at the at the company this is the guy from Murphy Brown the guy who plays

[27:02] Frank Fontaine on Murphy Brown Joe Rigal Beto I think is his name and regal

[27:09] buteau which is Latin for for royal butane lighter regal buteau I thought

[27:15] beautiful ass I mean I don't speak Latin so it's possible yeah so the kids

[27:21] run off and play together we find out that the other kids are a little creepy

[27:24] they're a little weird we don't know why we find out that there's a country club

[27:29] in town that has a Halloween party coming up that everyone loves that's

[27:33] everyone's favorite thing it's a Halloween party which is weird for a

[27:37] country club I think but it makes sense for the scary movie for it to be a

[27:42] Halloween party I guess a lot of time at country clubs parties ever been to a

[27:51] country club in my life I don't want this getting out there in the world

[27:55] what about you I remember you used to be like this daily show job is really

[27:59] getting me down I got it this week I'm heading to Mar-a-Lago and I'm not coming

[28:02] back till the day before I don't yeah come back you'd be like yeah me and Don

[28:09] we're talking he's got some good ideas and I'd be like what Don do you mean

[28:13] Donald Trump or Donald Trump jr. and you'd say both I just call them both

[28:16] Don they both got great ideas I mean like I don't know Dan and he go hey

[28:19] you'll understand someday or maybe you won't peasant and then he would laugh

[28:23] and laugh and get in his limo yeah I'd cackle and I'd drive off in my jet

[28:29] powered Ferrari yeah you'd say just that oh I just had a great mask free week

[28:34] down at Mar-a-Lago yeah and at the time it meant nothing they were you know but

[28:37] now it's obvious you know at that point it was because he had previously told us

[28:43] that everyone wore masks for the Halloween yeah no I would laugh hard

[28:46] like you'll get it someday and then you'd and then you'll say then you'd

[28:51] say Fidelio and you'd walk away all right so it's Halloween in the country

[28:58] club yeah there's a Halloween party coming up at the steaming Springs

[29:01] Country Club that everyone in the neighborhood belongs to and that Tom

[29:06] steaming Springs is the name of the club or the or the town I forgot steaming

[29:10] Springs is the name of the country club okay cuz it's a country club from us

[29:14] from a like a Cinemax softcore movie where they're everyone's like yeah

[29:16] they're like yeah it's a it's time for our story night at steaming Springs tell

[29:21] us a tale you know well they were they were trying to come up with something's

[29:25] hot sounding I'll just a little clue there it's all hot sounding say that

[29:31] steaming Springs is the only way to straighten them Springs are notoriously

[29:35] curled Dan you don't want to straighten them know that you then you just get a

[29:39] you just get a rod that's all that pretty worthless pretty worthless I got

[29:44] to say now I'd say Dan getting a new mattress and opening it up and being

[29:49] like these Springs they're so cool I've once again I have to correct the

[29:54] factory's mistake and that you call Stanley steamer and say

[30:00] Seymour's like, eh, it's a living, I guess I'll do it.

[30:03] Okay, so there's a moment at the end of the night,

[30:07] that night, there's great, I will say the exposition

[30:09] in this movie is done really great.

[30:11] Everything's sort of doled out really quickly

[30:12] and really, really well.

[30:15] We find out, we get to know where everybody is

[30:18] in really efficient ways.

[30:19] And at the end of the night, there's a great love scene

[30:22] between, a great love scene, now I sound like a pervert,

[30:24] but there's a-

[30:26] You meant in terms of like Romeo and Juliet,

[30:28] like the great love stories of history.

[30:30] No, no, no, well on the skin-o-meter, Alex.

[30:33] I think it's pronounced skin-o-meter.

[30:35] Skin-o-meter.

[30:36] There's a five-star butt-naked fuck-fest.

[30:39] Yeah, set to Peaches, fuck the pain away.

[30:46] Now, I believe there probably is a movie

[30:48] called Five-Star Butt-Naked Fuck-Fest.

[30:53] And those stars are Robert Urich, Susan Logee,

[30:57] Stars of Invitation to Hell.

[30:59] Directed by Chest Craven.

[31:03] And Craven is spelled C-R-A-V-I-N, apostrophe.

[31:05] Exactly, exactly.

[31:07] So, it's a, okay, so here's what I'll say.

[31:09] You don't see that as a last name that often,

[31:11] an apostrophe at the end, but you know what, it works.

[31:16] A Bustmare on Sex Screen by Sex Craven.

[31:22] They're really not thinking very,

[31:23] these parody porn titles are really unimaginative.

[31:26] Sex Craven is a great porno name.

[31:29] Cream 4, okay.

[31:33] I guess so.

[31:34] So, I just mean, it's a-

[31:35] They don't even have to change the name of Shocker.

[31:41] I meant to get Wes Craven's-

[31:42] The peephole under the hairs.

[31:47] I meant to get Wes Craven's New Nightmare

[31:49] and I accidentally got Sex Craven's Nude Nightmare.

[31:51] And you know, I watched it anyway.

[31:52] It's not as scary, but you know.

[31:56] What?

[31:58] Still scary, just not as scary.

[32:00] Still a little scary.

[32:02] It's a good premise.

[32:03] It's hard to do that premise wrong.

[32:06] I think it's actually called Nude Quite Bear.

[32:09] At that point, it's very hard to tell

[32:10] what it's a parody of anymore.

[32:12] It's Nude Sex Craven, it was Nude Quite Bear.

[32:14] Very redundant. Quiet Bear.

[32:18] Wait, what did you say?

[32:19] It's not even a porno.

[32:21] It's just the same movie with everyone naked

[32:23] throughout the whole thing.

[32:25] And it would probably just be The Hills Have Boobs,

[32:27] I'm guessing.

[32:28] Or The Hills Are Boobs.

[32:29] Thighs, I feel like rounds the eyes.

[32:32] I think there's, well, anyway.

[32:33] It does, but-

[32:34] Move on, like let's-

[32:35] We could do this for hours, right?

[32:37] When we bring these presentation pitches

[32:42] to the estate of Wes Craven,

[32:43] I think we could be-

[32:44] To Wes Craven's ghost.

[32:45] Yeah.

[32:46] We have some interest from the reality kings.

[32:49] Yes.

[32:54] Sir, we're interested in all of your work.

[32:56] We'll get to a Music of the Heart porn parody eventually.

[32:59] We'll do a Vampire and Butlin.

[33:01] We'll get there, but it's not an A release.

[33:04] It's not what you're known for, Mr. Ghost of Wes Craven.

[33:11] It's John Carpenter's Ghosts of Wes Craven.

[33:13] That's the movie.

[33:17] Ghosts of Breast Craven?

[33:20] Now there's a pun on the name of the director of the guy?

[33:24] It's Schlong Carpenter's Ghosts of Sex Craven.

[33:30] Wow.

[33:32] It's really conceptual now, but sure, I guess.

[33:34] Yeah, but John Carpenter's like,

[33:36] whatever, man, I'll allow it.

[33:37] Can I do the score?

[33:38] Sure, yeah, we would love that.

[33:42] That's my name now, probably.

[33:45] So yeah, so it's just a nice little candlelit

[33:49] lovemaking scene where afterwards she essentially says,

[33:52] I'm so excited I'm no longer going to be poor

[33:55] and struggling and my husband's gonna be working hard

[33:59] and we're not gonna be getting the thing.

[34:01] She says that she's excited to be part of a higher society

[34:05] or whatever, or whatever that, you know.

[34:07] So next day is his first day driving to work

[34:12] or riding to work.

[34:13] He rides with Tom, his friend that we met earlier.

[34:17] And Tom has a guy in the backseat who is shadowing him

[34:21] and bossing him around and being kind of shitty to him,

[34:24] who's apparently the representative

[34:26] from the Steaming Springs Country Club

[34:29] that is deciding whether or not Tom gets to join.

[34:32] So you know that this is like a tough thing

[34:34] to be able to join this country club, right?

[34:38] And then we get to the company that he's now working for,

[34:44] which is called MicroDigitech.

[34:48] And what he's developing-

[34:49] That's right up there with the fake technology company

[34:51] from Shattered Glass, which I think is called

[34:53] Juked Microtronics or something like that.

[34:57] Where they're like, come on,

[34:58] how did you not know this guy was making stuff up?

[35:01] So MicroDigitech is making a suit because as Tom says

[35:06] at some point, the government wants to put someone

[35:11] on Venus in like three years,

[35:13] which seems a little ambitious in 1984, I gotta say.

[35:16] It was morning in America.

[35:17] We were ready to do big things then.

[35:19] Communism was on the decline.

[35:20] Venus was what everyone was talking about.

[35:22] Yep, so we needed a suit that you would be,

[35:25] not only, so here's the goals of this suit

[35:27] that are laid out as we sort of find out,

[35:30] as we see the scenes of them developing this suit.

[35:34] Already, it is highly heat resistant

[35:37] because it's hot on Venus apparently.

[35:39] Very much so.

[35:40] You wanna have a suit that can withstand

[35:43] hundreds and thousands of degrees, right?

[35:46] It also has a laser beam that pops out of the wrist

[35:50] like what's it, like a taxi driver.

[35:56] Oh, that little spring-loaded gun.

[35:58] Spring-loaded laser that comes out of the wrist.

[36:01] Man, imagine if he had access to a little laser gun.

[36:04] That would be crazy.

[36:05] He would have destroyed that guy's whole hands,

[36:06] not just shot off the fingers.

[36:08] That guy, it's Harvey Geitel.

[36:13] I was just gonna say, that's necessary though

[36:15] in case you do need to save a prostitute, Jodie Foster,

[36:17] from Harvey Geitel on Venus.

[36:19] Let's say you get to Venus.

[36:21] You really make a connection with this young lady

[36:23] and you gotta save her from the people

[36:24] who are exploiting her.

[36:26] You need that laser.

[36:27] So I get it, I understand.

[36:28] Manner for Mars, Jodie Foster's from Venus, I know.

[36:31] That's the way it goes.

[36:33] Exactly.

[36:34] Now, it also has a flamethrower.

[36:37] Need it, you need it on Venus

[36:38] because it's not hot enough there.

[36:40] Yeah, that doesn't seem super thought out.

[36:43] Tell you what you need on Venus,

[36:44] you need a water thrower.

[36:48] Yeah, some sort of ice propulsion thing

[36:50] like Sub-Zero has or something.

[36:52] Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[36:53] Or Scorpion, throw a spear at somebody, get over here.

[36:55] Yeah, magic ice, yeah.

[36:57] I mean, well, here's the thing.

[36:58] The thing that this guy has been brought on to,

[37:02] because they want to make the suit, absolutely,

[37:04] they want to make the space suit of the future,

[37:07] and one of the things that he discusses

[37:10] putting in it right away,

[37:12] and this is our lead guy, Robert Urich, discusses,

[37:16] is he's going to make it so that when you put this suit on

[37:19] and you look at something,

[37:21] you can see whether it is human or not

[37:24] and whether it is benign or not.

[37:27] A wizard can read motives.

[37:29] Sure.

[37:30] Yes.

[37:31] There's a moment where he's talking about,

[37:33] and he says it's mostly reading auras at this point,

[37:36] and it's pretty amazing.

[37:38] I think that's like an early level cleric spell.

[37:42] Yeah.

[37:43] Yeah, so it's a magic suit that's heat resistant,

[37:46] might come in handy later on in this movie,

[37:49] and it can see whether someone is human or not

[37:53] and whether they're evil or not.

[37:55] We meet the guy's secretary who tries to give him a binder

[37:58] with some secret information or something.

[38:00] She soon gets fired and disappears

[38:02] because she tries to do that.

[38:04] There's a bunch of stuff about the family getting pressured.

[38:10] Oh, we meet the boss of the company,

[38:12] which is Kevin McCarthy.

[38:14] McCarthy?

[38:15] McCarthy from Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

[38:17] Yes.

[38:18] Yeah, it's a good life segment of Twilight Zone.

[38:23] Yeah, yeah.

[38:24] Uh-huh.

[38:25] And UHF, right?

[38:26] He's the guy in UHF.

[38:27] No, that's Weird Al.

[38:30] Weird.

[38:35] Got it in one, Elliot.

[38:40] If you're thinking about a normal Al,

[38:42] just dial up the weird by at least 50%.

[38:45] I remember when Weird Al was not famous yet,

[38:47] they'd have to introduce him at shows,

[38:49] and they'd go,

[38:50] let us prepare you for what you're about to see.

[38:53] But what if they were a little weird?

[38:57] Get ready, now that you're prepared

[39:00] and you understand the premise of his bit for Weird Al.

[39:04] They didn't always call him Weird Al Yankovic at the time.

[39:06] Yeah.

[39:07] They're like, normal Al's are always singing the top hits of the day,

[39:11] but what if those Al's who sang top hits were weird?

[39:15] The hits would be weird too.

[39:17] Here they are, Weird Al.

[39:19] The best instrument for an Al to play would be like a guitar or a trumpet,

[39:24] but this Al's a little weird and he plays an accordion.

[39:27] Okay, let that rest in your mind a moment so you're used to it.

[39:32] You've all heard Beat It,

[39:34] but what if it was slightly different and we took a letter away?

[39:40] He's always misunderstanding what songs are about.

[39:43] That's what's weird about him.

[39:45] I would love it if it turned out Weird Al was not writing those songs,

[39:49] and what's weird about him is his hearing is such that he thinks those are the lyrics to the songs.

[39:53] He's like, I don't get it.

[39:54] People put me in the humor section.

[39:56] Each of these covers is with respect and almost totally identical.

[40:00] to the original song including the lyrics. I'm also one of the few second successful cover

[40:05] musicians in history and I don't know why that is. I don't know why I've had a multi-decade career

[40:12] just covering the top hits of the day but yeah hey man if it ain't broke don't fix it. I guess

[40:18] it's because I stay current. Yeah he moves with the times and you love that you love to see that.

[40:25] I don't I don't sing my bologna anymore not a parody song but my understanding of the actual

[40:30] song that they sang. Now Amish paradise is a real reach. I said why why is Julio singing

[40:42] about the Amish? I don't know but I love it anyway and I want to show my my love of it by

[40:47] just making this tribute to him a totally note for note word for word cover that is not different

[40:53] from the original in any way. Music video that just you know depicts the things that already

[41:00] occurred in his lyrics. I don't even know why. So I called up Julio sorry I don't even know

[41:04] what I'm called Weird Al I should be called Accurate Al but you were saying so he called

[41:08] up Julio. He called up Julio and he said hey can I do this and Julio famously said yes over the

[41:15] phone please do it. Weird Al's friends finally prevail on him to get hearing aids and he's

[41:21] listening to his back catalog and he's going oh god oh god no no no no no no no no no no no no no

[41:29] I've offended so I have so many apology notes to write. Dear Julio and I just say even if it's an

[41:38] apology note if you're getting to write dear Julio then you've made it in life. I don't know what

[41:42] else you wanted to achieve. You're like Alexander crying because there's no more kingdoms left to

[41:46] conquer. My dearest Julio I must take weird pen and weird hands to write you this apology.

[41:56] Dear Julio the front is terrible. The Germans have pushed us back.

[42:02] Someday these terrible song wars will be over. So at some point in all of this we meet one of

[42:10] one of the shittier neighborhood kids comes over and and that's when we start to get an

[42:16] impression that something is really wrong here you know because the one of the kids comes over

[42:21] and it's not Tom's kids uh it's it's a different kid and he's very like mean and he's very like

[42:27] aggressive and he loses playing one of uh the son's like computer games and he throws the

[42:33] little computer console thing on the ground and stomps on it because he loses uh and that's that's

[42:39] when we get the impression that there's like some pod people thing type thing going on i mean that's

[42:44] just the thing kids do though right as they get mad and they break stuff yeah yeah sure okay maybe

[42:50] it's maybe i'm reading too much into it then maybe everything's gonna be fine i'm not faulting you

[42:54] i'm faulting i'm faulting the film and not understanding that kids break stuff all the time

[42:58] sure i'm saying invitation to hell you burnt anyway continue alex yeah so then there's a

[43:04] near accident uh between the whole family and susan lucci in her limousine did she get a new

[43:11] driver is she driving it herself yeah she has a new driver uh she also has like there's some

[43:16] cops that come out and immediately defend her and like and hustle mad away when he tries to

[43:21] get her insurance information and stuff um there's a whole weird it's the same driver and he's still

[43:26] all melted but he's like it's a great job the benefits are really good i can't leave it you

[43:31] know you gotta allow for mistakes from the boss every now and then he's just tugging tugging on

[43:37] little strings with his few muscles that he has yeah yeah i mean i wonder if that's a happier

[43:42] ending than like just shots of him in his apartment having lost his job and being all melty

[43:48] and like not being able to make ends well he's like maybe it's time to rethink my career i wasn't

[43:54] enjoying being a driver anyway i always wanted to be a teacher maybe it's time to get my degree

[44:00] yeah no you're right that's that's that's better for him yeah yeah i think so then they just roll

[44:05] him into a high school classroom in an aquarium at some point and uh and he teaches yep a back

[44:10] to tank a beautiful story called dangerous melts since the dawn of time screenwriters have taken

[44:21] months to craft their stories but now three hollywood professionals shall attempt the

[44:27] impossible break a story in one hour that's right here on story break i freddie wong matt

[44:33] arnold and will campos the creators behind award-winning shows like video game high school

[44:38] have one hour to turn a humble idea into an awesome movie now an awesome movie starts with

[44:42] an awesome title i chose the billionaire's marriage valley mine was christmas pregnant

[44:47] paradise okay next we need a protagonist so i've heard wario best described as libertarian

[44:54] and of course every great movie needs a stellar pitch in order to get to heaven sometimes you got

[44:59] to raise a little hell that's the tagline check out story break every week on maximumfun.org

[45:05] or wherever you get your podcasts hey i'm jordan morris creator of the max fun scripted sci-fi

[45:12] comedy podcast bubble we just released a special episode of bubble to celebrate the launch of our

[45:18] new graphic novel at sf sketch fest in 2019 we recorded a live show with allison becker eliza

[45:24] skinner mike mitchell cristela alonso and special guests jean gray jonathan colton jesse thorn nick

[45:30] weiger and a bunch of other cool folks we suspect he'll show signs of mutation when in a state of

[45:36] excitement now annie matched with him on tinder so she's gonna act as the honeypot i do enjoy

[45:43] being called a honeypot hey you know what's better than honey gravy oh yeah can i be the

[45:50] gravy sack out now on maximumfun.org and wherever you get podcasts and pick up the graphic novel

[45:58] at your local bookstore today hi there the flop house is sponsored in part by square space with

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[46:36] after the show if elliot were here this is where he'd be like hey dan i got an idea for a website

[46:41] can square space help me i'd be like yeah and he'd be like oh it's like uh it's called a evite to

[46:47] hell uh if uh susan lucci wants you to go to hell and you don't want to go to the post office um

[46:55] you can either use stamps.com or you can go uh you can uh use evite to hell and uh and see whether

[47:02] you want to go to hell and and you can see which of your other friends are going to hell you know

[47:07] you always want to check to see if you're going to have friends in hell before you decide

[47:12] whether you're going to go to hell too but uh if you're if you're interested in any of this

[47:16] not my idea but in squarespace go to squarespace.com slash flop for a free trial and when you're ready

[47:23] to launch use the offer code flop to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain

[47:30] now back to the show

[47:36] so yeah so we find out susan lucci's name is jessica jones oh that's jessica jones so it's

[47:44] an mcu child apparently very powerful yeah yeah we meet these shady cops we find out that she's

[47:50] very powerful she knows all of the she knows all of the winslow family by name uh and she

[47:55] knows a lot about them and she she starts to plant the seed that she wants them to join

[47:59] steaming springs country club uh the next thing that i think we see is tom and his family the

[48:05] only other like normal people that we know in this town they are standing there in steaming springs

[48:11] doing the ritual to join the country club which is they're standing in front of a big huge steaming

[48:19] door that has rock walls on either side of it like it's a cave and there's a ritual where

[48:26] susan lucci makes them say things like uh they have to say something like i forsake oh do you

[48:33] forsake all for the club and they go yes we forsake all for the club they essentially

[48:38] sell their souls to the devil uh to join this country club and then they step into the doors

[48:44] and all this steam is pouring out and it's clearly very hot in there and that's what the steaming

[48:49] spring is it's apparently hell right the titular invitation to hell sounds cool to me yeah and then

[48:57] um so susan lucci comes to the comes to micro digitech she wants to talk to matt again and she

[49:04] wants to see the top secret suit that he's making and uh and the boss um makes him do it so he takes

[49:12] her in there and there's a moment where we see from the point of view of the helmet he's just got

[49:16] the helmet sitting on the deck on the like a table there and we see the helmet see her and the helmet

[49:23] says non-human malignant oh no amazing right so uh matt comes back to work the next day got a new

[49:33] secretary the secretary's been disposed of and uh and tom has been promoted so tom is now at a higher

[49:41] a higher up the company we meet him he we meet him again he seems like weird and off and grumpy

[49:48] for just a second but then pretty quickly he turns back into his cool self and he tries to convince

[49:54] matt to uh join the country club so it's like kind of unclear they don't they don't

[50:00] become like soulless husks you know there's clearly like some they're still

[50:05] they're still themselves to some degree even though they've been taken over by

[50:10] this whatever this sure it's right this even though they force and force they

[50:14] forsaken all there's still like a little bit left now we find out Tom's wife has

[50:19] a new car which seems like kind of unnecessary but it but it does it

[50:22] matters at a certain point later in the film this is a very smart film again

[50:26] these Tom's kids come over for a slumber party we find out that they're shitty

[50:31] now they're like the other shitty kid apparently it's worse than kids with

[50:35] what happens to them yeah and this is revealed in a very funny scene great

[50:39] scene where Robert Uric hears the TV on in the middle of the night during the

[50:45] slumber party and he comes down the stairs and he sees that someone is

[50:48] watching the kind of footage that you see in like you know like in fifth

[50:53] element when they're showing her all the all the tragedies of the past or

[50:57] whatever it's basically just like on the street wartime yeah something really

[51:01] traumatized we're putting together a montage of like the greatest hits of

[51:05] like lousy things happening yeah well I don't know I don't even know that it's

[51:10] a montage it's more just like riot footage something like that I don't know

[51:14] how much it is a montage but it goes on for a while and he comes down and he

[51:18] sees just one kid it's very creepy shot well it's great it's a you know Wes

[51:23] Craven and he's and this kid is you see the kid backlit in this chair just

[51:27] staring at the TV it's one of Tom's kids and he comes he comes down and he says

[51:34] you shouldn't be Robert Uric comes down he says you shouldn't be watching this

[51:36] he turns it off and he turns and the kid has like a big smile on his face like

[51:41] he's like he's watching a war and he's enjoying it or whatever right and he

[51:46] just goes you shouldn't have done that so Matt is freaked out about the club he

[51:52] doesn't really like the idea of the country club but his wife really wants

[51:54] to join the kids really want to join and we at some point we go to the country

[52:00] club and we see it there's a lot of beautiful people there in bikinis and

[52:03] otherwise they're like parkas they're wearing like if you opened a book of

[52:12] different outfits they're wearing like every available out there's two people

[52:16] in a horse costume got it okay yeah mm-hmm

[52:20] at one point you unlocked all the cosmetic upgrades for the game yeah and

[52:24] you just want to use them on whatever you want sure yeah totally so the boss

[52:28] at one point says the great line or or no the Robert Uric goes to his boss to

[52:35] complain about the fact that his secretary has been fired and there's a

[52:39] really another really great I only bring the scene up because there's two really

[52:42] great lines in it one is that the boss goes she just wasn't company timber and

[52:47] and Robert Uric does the dramatic thing where he stands up from his chair and

[52:51] turns around you know and he goes timber we're talking about people or trees and

[52:59] then at the end of that he cares that's a great line yeah that's a genuinely

[53:04] great line really really good really good so and then at the end of that

[53:09] scene the boss Bruce says at the end of that scene Bruce Springsteen we can't

[53:27] afford that Elliot sorry I mean I'll change a little bit again so it's more

[53:32] down everybody's got an invitation to hell everybody wants an invitation to

[53:46] hell oh my god oh my god this could be really good that could be really good we

[53:52] should uh we should do that and tag it on the end of this episode yeah so the

[53:58] boss meaning Kevin McCarthy as he says the line yes he says the line we just

[54:06] want as as Robert Uric's walking out he says the line we just want you to be one

[54:09] of us but he's making a Ramones reference not a not a freaks reference

[54:17] yeah that's the thing he doesn't know where it came from he doesn't know the

[54:23] original version of it that's the sad that's the scary part that that our

[54:27] cultural heritage that our film culture is disappearing so rapidly you know so

[54:33] the one thing I forgot to mention at the Country Club when they go to the Country

[54:37] Club Robert Uric while he's on the tour he hears a woman screaming in what he

[54:44] thinks is pain or for help and he goes and he sees the door that Tom and his

[54:51] family walked through earlier and there's all this like steam billowing

[54:54] out from under the door steamy valley and he puts his hand on the door and he

[54:59] goes ah like freaks out cuz it's hot right now everybody's got an invitation

[55:09] to hell cuz punks like us baby we're invited to hell do do do do

[55:19] invitations the thing I neglected to mention is that much like Jonathan

[55:29] Richmond in there's something about Mary Bruce Springsteen just pops up I mean

[55:38] not that he's not that he's fallen I mean he's all he's the man who brought

[55:41] back Broadway but you know this is this is really at that one of this high peaks

[55:45] you know that one took that the melody on that one took me a second yeah yeah

[55:59] sorry I mean that's I'm gonna blame Bruce Springsteen for that because it

[56:01] is not it's a catchy song but it's not a it's not a natural song and that's I

[56:05] can't think of too many other Bruce Springsteen songs so we're done now yeah

[56:09] okay so the so when he tells the door invited to hell now we're going down and

[56:18] go to hell all right anyway sorry go on 57 channels invitation to hell 57

[56:27] channels invitation to hell I thought of another one so the Susan Lucci catches

[56:37] them trying to open up the hot door aside from obviously invitation come on

[56:43] up invitation to hell nah nah nah nah nah nah anyway I thought of another we

[56:50] went down to hell we dive okay sorry Stuart I think it would be in and into

[57:01] hell we were invited to hell we were invite so this door to hell

[57:15] invited to hell invited into hell I've been trying to figure out how to invite

[57:22] Rosalita to hell so the so this door to these double doors to hell the Dumbledore

[57:33] is the head are very hot have a little hell yeah have a little like like you

[57:40] know one of those like they have a keypad this gun invited down to hell do

[57:49] do do do do do can't go to hell without an invite this and Robert Urich tries to

[57:58] open the doors to hell by punching the keypad that's there on a little like

[58:03] sort of podium that sticks up that's what you and yeah hopefully more of the

[58:07] keys hopefully more of the keys work than Alex's keyboard that's right it's

[58:14] the flophouse roast of Alex's keyboard I've heard of off-key but off board

[58:45] I would press command function with be Arthur's keyboard so Susan Lucci catches

[58:59] him trying to open this door he's trying to save a woman that he thinks is

[59:02] probably in like a fire or something yeah and he says oh I thought I she said

[59:06] you must be lost and he says well I thought I heard a woman cry out needing

[59:10] help and she and Susan Lucci gets super horned up real fast and says you know

[59:16] people can cry out for other things as well for pleasure and and by the way

[59:20] there's a country club can be a place of great pleasure and if you join I can

[59:24] make this a great pleasurable experience for you clearly meaning you know yeah

[59:29] doors open yeah unlimited so I've been to a country club before I know what

[59:35] she's getting at yeah I get it I get it ice cream on your birthday I understand

[59:44] sure a free hour at the driving range I understand I understand water slides

[59:50] yeah gotcha 100% so he's really freaked out by the idea of an all-you-can-eat

[59:58] buffet and

[1:00:00] and free hour of golf, and he runs out.

[1:00:03] He's like, what they don't tell you

[1:00:04] is you got to reserve the course

[1:00:05] like three weeks ahead of time.

[1:00:07] You can't just stop by and claim your free hour of golf.

[1:00:13] Sure, the driving range is open, but it's not the same.

[1:00:17] So he runs out.

[1:00:18] I can't get balls off the roof of my house.

[1:00:20] I need to pay a membership fee for that.

[1:00:23] Give me the course, give me the links.

[1:00:25] Yeah, he runs out and his wife shows up and says,

[1:00:30] that he needs to come back

[1:00:34] because Jessica has invited them all to lunch.

[1:00:36] And he says, I don't want to do this.

[1:00:39] I don't want to join this place.

[1:00:40] I don't want to be here.

[1:00:42] And he leaves and she freaks out and is mad at him.

[1:00:46] And then it cuts to them,

[1:00:47] the whole family at home, except for him,

[1:00:49] worried that he's not even going to come home,

[1:00:52] which seems kind of weird.

[1:00:53] So they didn't even get lunch?

[1:00:54] I guess they didn't go to lunch.

[1:00:57] I mean, I guess the whole family except him went to lunch.

[1:01:00] And they, you know, they got him some

[1:01:01] and they put it in like a plastic container,

[1:01:02] but it's just, they forgot to put it in the fridge.

[1:01:04] So it's just been a, like coleslaw sandwich,

[1:01:07] just sitting out all day.

[1:01:08] He's not going to eat that.

[1:01:09] That's not fair.

[1:01:10] Coleslaw salad sandwich?

[1:01:11] It's the specialty at the country club, Dan.

[1:01:13] It was invented by one of the members.

[1:01:17] Coleslaw salad sandwich.

[1:01:19] What we do is we take a pastrami sandwich.

[1:01:25] Go on.

[1:01:26] We remove the pastrami.

[1:01:28] Keep talking.

[1:01:29] We triple the coleslaw.

[1:01:30] The pastrami goes in the garbage.

[1:01:33] We add an extra slab of coleslaw.

[1:01:36] And then what we do is we drizzle it with coleslaw

[1:01:39] and we put on a coleslaw aioli,

[1:01:41] which just means more coleslaw.

[1:01:43] The thing is you hear coleslaw salad sandwich.

[1:01:45] You obviously think the coleslaw is in the middle.

[1:01:48] No, no, no, my friend.

[1:01:49] The coleslaw is the bread.

[1:01:50] Yeah, it's like the double down with coleslaw.

[1:01:53] You put it between two compressed slabs of coleslaw.

[1:01:57] Yes.

[1:01:58] That's what makes it a salad rather than just a sandwich.

[1:02:01] Yeah, you gotta eat it fast too.

[1:02:01] You go through a lot of dry ice

[1:02:03] to freeze the coleslaw into bricks.

[1:02:07] But it's worth it.

[1:02:08] I was thinking they'd be fried

[1:02:10] into like latkes or something.

[1:02:12] No, we don't have latkes around here.

[1:02:17] Our country club doesn't admit those kinds of people.

[1:02:20] We prefer to freeze our coleslaw into slabs.

[1:02:25] Thank you.

[1:02:26] Yeah, so they're all sitting around the table,

[1:02:32] bummed out because daddy ran away.

[1:02:34] Oh, but belly's full of coleslaw.

[1:02:36] That's not something you can regret, yeah.

[1:02:38] Yeah, they're all obviously working their way

[1:02:40] through coming down from their coleslaw hive.

[1:02:48] And then Robert Urich returns with roses

[1:02:51] and a bottle of wine, I believe,

[1:02:53] and says, I'm so sorry, and apologizes to the wife.

[1:02:56] And they have another nice night together

[1:03:00] and you get to really feel the love in this family

[1:03:03] once more before what happens

[1:03:07] almost immediately after that,

[1:03:08] which is after talking to Susan Lucci one more time,

[1:03:12] the mother and the two kids decide

[1:03:14] they're gonna join the club anyway.

[1:03:16] Without Robert Urich.

[1:03:18] Makes sense, yeah.

[1:03:20] So there's a scene where they freeze the coleslaw.

[1:03:22] Are they allowed to do that?

[1:03:25] Well, it's funny you should ask that question

[1:03:27] because Susan Lucci says, I know there's a rule

[1:03:29] against people joining the club

[1:03:31] without their whole families,

[1:03:33] but we're gonna make an exception for you

[1:03:34] because Susan Lucci is smart.

[1:03:36] She's figured out this is the only way

[1:03:37] she's gonna get Robert Urich on board.

[1:03:39] As if she gets the kids and the mom already in there.

[1:03:43] They pull that shit at the Park Slope Food Co-op

[1:03:45] all the time.

[1:03:46] Spencer for hire, Spencer not required.

[1:03:50] Oh.

[1:03:51] Wow.

[1:03:52] Whoa, did she say that, Alex?

[1:03:54] Did she say that?

[1:03:55] Did they say that?

[1:03:56] Did they say that?

[1:03:57] That's not a line from the movie.

[1:03:58] Is it implied?

[1:04:00] Better be.

[1:04:01] You better see that glint in her eyes.

[1:04:03] That means she's thinking it.

[1:04:03] It's an off-screen ad-lib that they added in post.

[1:04:07] So then everything goes crazy at that point, right?

[1:04:12] Like the end of society?

[1:04:15] Yes, exactly like that.

[1:04:16] Basically from that point on,

[1:04:17] just imagine the end of society.

[1:04:21] But for TV.

[1:04:22] So it's elbows and stuff, not asses.

[1:04:25] Yeah.

[1:04:28] Interesting.

[1:04:32] That's why there's-

[1:04:33] That's also you pitching your G-rated pornography.

[1:04:37] Imagine, it's just elbows, not asses.

[1:04:40] You think it's something, but it's elbows.

[1:04:42] So it's okay.

[1:04:44] It's all just elbows.

[1:04:45] Yeah, that's why the Charmin bears

[1:04:47] are always talking about having fucking toilet paper

[1:04:49] stuck to their elbows.

[1:04:51] Yeah, it's like, I don't know, Breast Craven.

[1:04:54] It seems like it's not the best.

[1:04:55] It doesn't seem like it's the best use of your talents.

[1:04:57] No, this is where it's all going.

[1:04:59] This is where the market's going.

[1:05:00] Elbow Angels 47.

[1:05:03] So from this point on, everything that happens

[1:05:06] is pretty clearly a result of the fact

[1:05:08] that his family is now in hell

[1:05:11] and they've been replaced with some kind of pod people

[1:05:14] because the wife is suddenly, I don't know,

[1:05:18] hornier, more mean-spirited.

[1:05:22] The dog, they have a dog named Albert.

[1:05:27] The dog, he comes home after the family

[1:05:30] has joined the country club and gone through the door.

[1:05:32] Oh, by the way, when they joined the country club,

[1:05:34] the little daughter, the youngest one,

[1:05:36] freaks out at the last minute and decides

[1:05:37] she doesn't want to, but Susan Lucci grabs her

[1:05:40] and forces her to go through the doors.

[1:05:42] Very sad.

[1:05:44] Now, the, oh, and every time a family

[1:05:47] goes through the doors, the doors close

[1:05:48] and then there's a security guard that walks up

[1:05:50] and like stands with his back to the door

[1:05:52] while it's happening.

[1:05:54] So I guess-

[1:05:54] Security guard to hell.

[1:05:56] Yeah, he's like the bouncer.

[1:05:57] He's like the one minimum wage guy they got.

[1:05:59] Yeah, hell has a bouncer, apparently.

[1:06:02] People are just dying to get in, except they're not.

[1:06:05] Nobody wants to go there usually, right?

[1:06:07] He's wearing a Wilson's leather jacket.

[1:06:10] That should be a Bruce Springsteen song,

[1:06:12] hell has a bouncer.

[1:06:14] But, so, and Ellie, do you want to sing that for a minute?

[1:06:19] Did you know that there's a bouncer to hell?

[1:06:21] There's a bouncer at the doorway to hell.

[1:06:25] Better hope your name is on his clipboard

[1:06:29] or else you'll be escorted out by the bouncer to hell.

[1:06:32] Oh no!

[1:06:34] But that would be better than going to hell.

[1:06:37] So I guess you don't want to be on the list to hell.

[1:06:41] He realizes midway through the chorus.

[1:06:43] He's like, oh wait, the premise of this song.

[1:06:45] Oh wait.

[1:06:46] Hold on.

[1:06:47] You actually don't want to be

[1:06:48] on the bouncer to hell's list.

[1:06:51] So the, so here's sort of what-

[1:06:53] Bouncer to hell, doo doo doo,

[1:06:55] he'll pass you by, bouncer to hell.

[1:06:59] Give you lucky guess, bouncer to hell, bouncer to hell.

[1:07:04] Yep.

[1:07:06] Have I ever heard a Bruce Springsteen song?

[1:07:07] Possibly not.

[1:07:08] I don't know.

[1:07:11] Punks like us, baby, we're the bouncers to hell.

[1:07:15] Doo doo doo doo.

[1:07:18] At night we stand by doors of fire.

[1:07:20] I think we have gone through the same

[1:07:22] like six Bruce Springsteen songs twice now.

[1:07:27] Rosalita, bouncer to hell.

[1:07:31] Finally, we got it in.

[1:07:32] Yeah.

[1:07:33] There we go.

[1:07:34] Great, it worked.

[1:07:35] All right, so-

[1:07:36] Give us our poopy bodies.

[1:07:37] Our statues of Mr. Peabody, Rocky and Bullwinkle.

[1:07:44] As you could probably imagine at this point,

[1:07:47] the wife is now wearing darker clothes.

[1:07:51] They were in the middle of remodeling the home

[1:07:53] to make it more, to update it, make it more modern.

[1:07:55] Suddenly she's decided on much moodier colors for the walls.

[1:07:59] It's like a dark blue.

[1:08:00] There's very jagged modern furniture.

[1:08:02] She kind of Beetlejuices the house

[1:08:04] where it's like, now it's scary and modern

[1:08:07] instead of being homey.

[1:08:09] She gets rid of the old upright piano

[1:08:11] she used to play sweet songs on.

[1:08:13] And now there's a black grand piano that she's playing,

[1:08:16] I don't know, like Liszt or something on it.

[1:08:17] You know, it's really-

[1:08:18] She's just playing the keyboard part

[1:08:20] from that Linkin Park song.

[1:08:22] Yeah, she's in there just tearing up some fiery,

[1:08:26] you know, fiery Liszt.

[1:08:28] And the guy comes in, the dad comes in

[1:08:31] and he sees his wife again

[1:08:32] and he starts to suspect something is wrong.

[1:08:35] I don't think he, I don't think there's too much weird

[1:08:38] that happens with the kids at this point.

[1:08:40] Mostly he's just worried about the wife

[1:08:41] because what she does is she banishes the dog to outside

[1:08:47] and won't let the dog come in

[1:08:48] because the dog is barking at them

[1:08:49] because they're all demon people or whatever.

[1:08:52] And then when he goes to work,

[1:08:54] she takes the dog to the only vet in town

[1:08:56] who is apparently not a vet.

[1:08:59] Like he's apparently not in the community that-

[1:09:01] He's not the vet that belongs to the country club

[1:09:03] because he's a normal guy.

[1:09:04] And he's-

[1:09:05] Yeah, he's not a monster.

[1:09:06] He's not a monster.

[1:09:07] She asks him to just kill the dog.

[1:09:09] And she says, I would like to be there for it.

[1:09:11] And he does, he says, I lied to her.

[1:09:13] I told her I don't do that.

[1:09:15] Which seems really weird as a vet

[1:09:16] that you wouldn't give the person the option to be there

[1:09:19] when you put down the dog.

[1:09:19] I would do anything with dogs, but I won't do that.

[1:09:24] Now we're stretching out into the other singers.

[1:09:28] I don't know about this.

[1:09:30] I mean, with Meatloaf, the Invitation to Hell-

[1:09:33] I mean, it's right there.

[1:09:34] Right there.

[1:09:35] Like an invitation to hell.

[1:09:37] Yeah.

[1:09:39] That really, that would be a great Meatloaf album name.

[1:09:43] Invitation to Hell.

[1:09:44] Can I sleep on it?

[1:09:45] And maybe go to hell in the morning.

[1:09:48] It's another Meatloaf song.

[1:09:49] Invitation to Hell, like part two.

[1:09:52] Yeah.

[1:09:53] RSVP.

[1:09:55] So the, oh, did I ever tell you guys

[1:09:57] that Charlene went and saw the Bad Outta Hell musical?

[1:10:00] No. Oh wow. She went with a friend. Was it good? Well, uh, she said it was simultaneously the best and worst musical she's ever seen.

[1:10:08] She'll be mad at me for telling this story on there because she probably wants to tell it, but she did say that, uh, before the end of the, uh, before the intermission, like half the audience had already left.

[1:10:19] Oh, that's sad to hear. But it was still super fun.

[1:10:23] That's, uh, I went to one of those Zappa plays Zappa concerts and, uh, and I went with my family and my family decided to leave after about four songs.

[1:10:31] And, uh, and I think the audience was pretty much leaving throughout the whole thing. It was like, it was very deep. It was very deep Zappa.

[1:10:39] Nothing against that, but it was like, it was not a like general admission crowd.

[1:10:44] He wasn't playing the hits?

[1:10:46] The hits of Zappa. There are some, I mean, there's some stuff that would, that would keep a, keep a crowd.

[1:10:52] I, uh, Yakov Smirnoff was trying out a Broadway show. I don't think he'd even made it like, but like he had like a couple of, and I got some sort of, uh, you know, like I got like free tickets to the preview or whatever.

[1:11:06] What?

[1:11:07] And I had a good time. Like, you know, I went, I, you know, I went.

[1:11:11] Really?

[1:11:12] Ironically, I would say. I don't want to like, you know, like paint myself as too much of a jerk.

[1:11:17] Why is this the first I'm hearing of this, David?

[1:11:19] You were a younger man. You were a younger man.

[1:11:20] I went, yeah, I was a callow man. I enjoyed the first act of it just fine. I'm like, okay, that's enough Yakov Smirnoff for me. Thank you very much. I left at intermission.

[1:11:32] Oh, Dan.

[1:11:33] It was fine. Yeah. I don't know. You know, he'd been trying out in Branson for a while. Didn't quite make it to the great white way, but, uh, you know, Yakov, you did a great first act.

[1:11:45] Keep swinging for the fences, buddy. That's what Dan says.

[1:11:48] Not a great enough first act that you were like, I want to stay for the second act.

[1:11:51] No, I had other things to do, Elliot. Another man may not have come to any of the acts.

[1:11:59] I guess that's true. I mean, most men did not come to, billions of them didn't go to either of the acts. Yeah.

[1:12:04] Yeah.

[1:12:05] He can't swing a dead cat on this world without hitting someone who's never seen Yakov Smirnoff live.

[1:12:12] Why are you doing that?

[1:12:13] The cat likes it.

[1:12:17] What?

[1:12:20] Are you a necromancer?

[1:12:22] It was the cat's last wishes.

[1:12:24] To be swung.

[1:12:25] To be swung around.

[1:12:26] To be used as a unit of measurement. I get it.

[1:12:29] The cat said, when I die, swing me around like one of your French girls. And I said, okay, if that's what you want.

[1:12:35] A lot of ghosts in this episode.

[1:12:37] Yeah.

[1:12:38] Okay, I should mention the aforementioned vet is Bill Irwin, the guy from all of John Hughes's airports.

[1:12:44] The old man Bill Irwin, E-R-W-I-N, not Bill Irwin of Full Moon and things like that.

[1:12:49] Yeah, not famed clown Bill Irwin.

[1:12:53] Not FX's legions Bill Irwin.

[1:12:55] Not the guy I saw at the Irish Repertory Center talking about Waiting for Godot.

[1:13:02] Yeah, I wanted to see that show when it came to LA and I missed it.

[1:13:04] It was fun. It was fun.

[1:13:06] I've seen him perform with David Shiner a couple times. Great shows.

[1:13:10] Enough name dropping. Back to the show.

[1:13:13] So the – and I should mention as a bit of, I think, very good and efficient storytelling, the vet guy's wife is his former secretary who disappeared.

[1:13:27] So while he's dealing with the vet guy and talking about his dog, he's also finding out that, one, that she got fired.

[1:13:36] Two, that she was like snooping around to try to find out about her nephew or something who had disappeared.

[1:13:42] And three, that she died in a car accident and the car burnt up and there's no evidence of what happened to her.

[1:13:48] All right, so the dog is out of the picture for the family but safe at this vet who's in on its house somewhere, right?

[1:13:58] OK, so there's another sex scene between Matt and Pat Winslow and she, this time, scratches his back up because, again, she's a devil person now.

[1:14:13] And there's a great scene where he looks in the mirror and he's like, what's going on?

[1:14:19] And he looks at the scratches on his back and he's like, this has never happened before.

[1:14:25] The way you said it made it sound like he liked it though.

[1:14:28] Yeah.

[1:14:29] What is going on?

[1:14:31] What is going on?

[1:14:32] Hey, I like this.

[1:14:34] I think it's a little too much for him. I think it's clearly a little too much for him.

[1:14:38] It's a little too much for me.

[1:14:41] He says it like that.

[1:14:43] He's complaining about it to his therapist later on and he still sounds turned on.

[1:14:49] He just can't help it.

[1:14:51] I need your help to process this.

[1:14:54] Yeah.

[1:14:55] The way you say it makes it sound like you actually enjoyed it.

[1:14:58] No.

[1:15:03] The opposite of Dave Foley's sarcastic guy character on Kids in the Hall.

[1:15:08] So he sits down on the bed and she, as soon as they're done, she passes out and she sleeps hard, which is really weird because you don't normally think like a damned person.

[1:15:17] It's like the sleep of the damned, I guess.

[1:15:20] It's like Dana from Ghostbusters.

[1:15:23] Yeah.

[1:15:24] Yeah.

[1:15:25] Okay.

[1:15:26] It could be something like that.

[1:15:27] So he turns to a huge portrait of her that he has on his bedside table that looks like it was taken the same day.

[1:15:34] And he goes, he says, did you join the club?

[1:15:39] And it cuts it like shows her face and her eyes spring open and she's like she's been found out.

[1:15:44] She joined the club.

[1:15:46] All right.

[1:15:47] So I'll get I'll just sort of this is this is sorry gone very long.

[1:15:51] So I'll get through the end of the end of basically what happens is he gets found out to be very to be very skeptical.

[1:15:58] He's snooping around at the country club.

[1:16:01] He fights the guard, the bouncer to hell.

[1:16:04] He fights.

[1:16:05] That guy kills him.

[1:16:06] What?

[1:16:07] Electrocutes him.

[1:16:08] Electrocutes him.

[1:16:09] So not a very good bouncer.

[1:16:10] Not a good bouncer at all.

[1:16:12] Santa Claus where they're like, now you're the bouncer to hell.

[1:16:17] That would be great.

[1:16:19] That would be great if that's how the movie ended is he's now the he's now the he's slowly just becomes like a little bit bigger.

[1:16:27] Robert Eurich's now the bouncer to hell.

[1:16:31] So.

[1:16:32] So now he runs back to the house.

[1:16:38] And this is like this is kind of funny at this point.

[1:16:40] How many times he's gone from club to house to club to house.

[1:16:44] But he goes he runs back to his house.

[1:16:46] It's a very sort of funny scene where he has to fight his whole.

[1:16:49] It's the classic.

[1:16:50] Dad has to fight his whole family.

[1:16:52] They're all possessed.

[1:16:53] Yes.

[1:16:54] It's called Bedtime.

[1:16:55] And he throws his.

[1:16:56] Oh shit.

[1:16:59] America's newest dad humorist.

[1:17:02] The top dad humorist.

[1:17:04] Have you ever noticed how there are funny things about being a dad that really only dads want to hear about?

[1:17:09] Let me tell you about them.

[1:17:12] Yeah.

[1:17:13] Hey, what's up with this hop on pop bullshit?

[1:17:16] I'm going to flip the script on you.

[1:17:18] Time for a pop on hop.

[1:17:20] Wait, what?

[1:17:21] Wait.

[1:17:23] This time pop's doing the hopping.

[1:17:25] That's just that's just when you've when you've had a nice IPA is your pop on hop at that point.

[1:17:31] Yeah.

[1:17:32] I feel like that's Dr. Seuss with the publisher when they're trying to create a like DSCU, a Dr. Seuss Cinematic Universe.

[1:17:38] They're like hop on pop too.

[1:17:40] We reverse it.

[1:17:41] Now pop's doing the hopping.

[1:17:42] Cat in the hat.

[1:17:43] What if the hat was inside the cat?

[1:17:45] Wait, this isn't.

[1:17:47] We've got to find new.

[1:17:48] We've got to find new angles on these old characters.

[1:17:50] What if the socks filled out inside the fox?

[1:17:55] What?

[1:17:56] I don't even know what that sentence didn't even make sense.

[1:17:58] It doesn't make sense.

[1:17:59] Sam I.M.'s got amnesia.

[1:18:00] Now the other guy's got to teach him how to like green eggs and ham.

[1:18:03] You're just taking the original ones and reversing them slightly.

[1:18:06] This time the book battles the butter.

[1:18:10] These studio guys don't know what the fuck they're talking about.

[1:18:13] They don't know which order words are supposed to go in.

[1:18:15] And to think that Mulberry Street saw it on me.

[1:18:22] The zoo I ran if I.

[1:18:25] Okay, now you're just taking literally just the words and shuffling them a little bit.

[1:18:30] Now we tell it from the oobleck's point of view.

[1:18:35] So he throws his son and his daughter in a closet.

[1:18:38] His wife comes at him with like a golf club or something.

[1:18:41] And he knocks her down and she just passes out immediately.

[1:18:44] Again, the sleep of the damned.

[1:18:46] He goes to Microdigitech.

[1:18:50] He gets his space suit.

[1:18:51] Smart, right?

[1:18:52] He gets his space suit.

[1:18:54] Well, he did stay in the Holiday Inn Express last night.

[1:18:56] Yeah.

[1:18:57] Yeah.

[1:18:58] Tom comes in with a gun and says,

[1:19:00] We've figured out that you're not one of us.

[1:19:03] You're a loser.

[1:19:04] And I'm going to shoot you in the head.

[1:19:06] We put the context clues together when you beat up your possessed family and killed our best friend.

[1:19:11] You're a creep.

[1:19:12] It's like every episode of Undercover Boss.

[1:19:14] What the hell are you doing here?

[1:19:15] And so by this time, Matt Winslow has the suit on.

[1:19:21] And he uses the laser gun to shoot Tom.

[1:19:24] Blast him out of the room.

[1:19:26] And then he puts the helmet on.

[1:19:30] He gets Tom's car.

[1:19:32] Remember, we found out Tom had a new car.

[1:19:34] So we know this is his car.

[1:19:36] Yeah.

[1:19:37] He gets in Tom's car.

[1:19:38] He drives to the country club.

[1:19:39] Now he gets to say that he's Tom in his Halloween costume, which is the space suit.

[1:19:44] Whoa.

[1:19:45] And he goes into the Halloween party where all the higher-ups, everybody who's everybody in Silicon Valley is in this Halloween party.

[1:19:53] And they're all lined up for one laser blast.

[1:19:55] The guy who's in the back.

[1:19:57] It's a condo line, so you can just shoot straight through them.

[1:19:59] So easy.

[1:20:00] The guy who was in the backseat of Tom's car earlier in the film, his Halloween costume is a Nazi Halloween costume.

[1:20:12] On the nose, a bit on the nose.

[1:20:13] Yeah, a little on the nose.

[1:20:15] He has a long conversation with him about why he's wearing the space suit.

[1:20:21] And then he looks around the room and there's no humans to be found.

[1:20:25] You see through his helmet.

[1:20:26] You see it's all non-humans.

[1:20:28] And are they evil or not evil?

[1:20:32] Evil.

[1:20:33] They're all evil.

[1:20:34] Oh, no.

[1:20:35] Are they K'n-evil or not K'n-evil?

[1:20:37] Good question.

[1:20:38] It does not say how many of them are K'n-evil.

[1:20:40] They don't have that technology yet.

[1:20:42] That's a shame.

[1:20:44] That's for Mark II of the suit.

[1:20:45] Yeah.

[1:20:46] So then he runs down the stairs to go to the door to hell.

[1:20:50] And he's trying to open it.

[1:20:52] His first guess at the code for the doors of hell, what do you think it was?

[1:20:56] 666.

[1:20:58] Exactly right.

[1:20:59] He hit 666.

[1:21:00] He mashes 666 with his big astronaut hand first thing.

[1:21:03] Luckily, they sprung for the extra large buttons.

[1:21:06] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:21:08] So then he's still doing that.

[1:21:10] And Susan Lucci comes down.

[1:21:12] And she's wearing like, I don't know.

[1:21:14] She's wearing like some kind of crazy witch's outfit that's bright red.

[1:21:17] Yeah, it's the keypad that Tom Selleck sells to old people for their doors to hell.

[1:21:22] There's just three, six buttons, a yes, a no, and operator.

[1:21:26] And that's, yeah.

[1:21:28] It's the cricket wireless keypad.

[1:21:30] No, not cricket.

[1:21:31] The jitterbug?

[1:21:32] Jitterbug, jitterbug, yeah.

[1:21:35] So Susan Lucci comes down.

[1:21:37] She's coming through the door to attack him.

[1:21:39] And he uses the only time the flamethrower, I believe, is used is right now.

[1:21:44] And all it is is to create a great entrance for Susan Lucci because he just sets fire to the hallway.

[1:21:49] And she just walks through it easily.

[1:21:50] It's awesome.

[1:21:51] It looks amazing.

[1:21:52] Worth it, worth it.

[1:21:53] He gets the door open.

[1:21:54] He runs through.

[1:21:55] She confronts him.

[1:21:56] He walks into hell.

[1:21:58] It's very clear.

[1:21:59] It's like Farside Hell right away.

[1:22:00] It's all stalactites and like caverns and flames and stuff.

[1:22:05] And like people going, oh, in the distance and stuff like that.

[1:22:08] But then you get to this point.

[1:22:10] Better than if they're going, oh, up close.

[1:22:11] I mean that's not fun.

[1:22:13] Farside Hell is filled with cows.

[1:22:15] So many cows standing up.

[1:22:17] Cows, those nerdy kids.

[1:22:18] Yeah, sure.

[1:22:19] Cavemen.

[1:22:21] The kid with the crew cut, like with a striped shirt and glasses.

[1:22:25] Farside Hell is so unfair because it's just anybody who's screwed up in the most absurd way just goes to hell.

[1:22:32] But a lot of people are there, they're like, I don't understand the torture.

[1:22:35] Like I don't explain the torture to me because I'm not getting it here in Farside Hell.

[1:22:40] Well, if we explain the torture, it would ruin the torture.

[1:22:42] Explain what's tormenting about this.

[1:22:44] I can't.

[1:22:45] Yeah, if I explain it, it's not going to be good.

[1:22:46] It's going to ruin it.

[1:22:47] All their clothes are kind of fucked up.

[1:22:49] It's like, that's not that big a deal, man.

[1:22:52] Like sometimes really nice clothes can be hell too, you know, Dan?

[1:22:56] Yeah.

[1:22:57] Yeah.

[1:22:58] Like having to wear a suit every day to work.

[1:23:00] Yeah.

[1:23:01] Dan knows that.

[1:23:02] My favorite Farside cartoon is a hell one, and it's the one where it's two guys sitting on a bench in hell.

[1:23:08] And the one leans over to the other guy and he goes, I hate this place.

[1:23:11] It's just such a great, such a great single panel.

[1:23:17] Really, really good.

[1:23:18] Okay.

[1:23:19] So he's standing on a cliff's edge in hell.

[1:23:22] And Susan Lutsch comes up and hugs him.

[1:23:23] Rest in peace to your Los Angeles area restaurant, Cliff's Edge, which I was a big fan of, which closed last year.

[1:23:27] Yeah.

[1:23:28] I'm sorry.

[1:23:29] I'm very sorry to hear that.

[1:23:30] I hate a good restaurant going under.

[1:23:32] So he looks down and he sees like –

[1:23:35] Well, just thanks for bringing it up.

[1:23:36] Just thanks for reminding me.

[1:23:38] Sorry.

[1:23:39] I appreciate it.

[1:23:40] He sees a portal.

[1:23:41] Am I fired, Elliot?

[1:23:43] No, no, no.

[1:23:44] I mean not –

[1:23:45] You could fire me at this point.

[1:23:47] We are firing you, but only because you handed that binder or tried to hand that binder to Robert Ehrich, which you're not one of our people.

[1:23:52] Yes.

[1:23:53] Yes.

[1:23:54] Okay.

[1:23:55] So he looks down and he sees like some kind of portal or porthole famously on this show.

[1:24:01] That's a deep cut.

[1:24:03] That's a Zap-on-Zappa level cut.

[1:24:06] I did my research for this job, guys.

[1:24:08] So he looks down.

[1:24:10] He sees that he could go into the neighborhood if he jumps down this cliff, but it's very far.

[1:24:16] Susan Lucci tells him he's going to die if he tries to do it.

[1:24:19] He doesn't believe her.

[1:24:20] At this point, it's a bunch of people –

[1:24:22] And again, I am the high ground.

[1:24:23] I get it.

[1:24:24] He realizes everything she says is a lie.

[1:24:28] So he jumps.

[1:24:29] There's a great –

[1:24:30] But everything the other Susan Lucci says is true, but he doesn't know which is which.

[1:24:35] Right.

[1:24:36] So there's a great –

[1:24:37] This is obviously just for a commercial break because he jumps and he goes,

[1:24:40] and then it fades to black.

[1:24:42] You're saying in a regular movie, they wouldn't really fade out of a climactic scene.

[1:24:47] They would pace that differently in a regular movie, but it's very clearly like –

[1:24:51] Three years later.

[1:24:53] Yeah.

[1:24:54] So then he comes to at the bottom of the cliff in a negative –

[1:24:59] like the negative –

[1:25:01] It's like a photo negative?

[1:25:02] The film is negative.

[1:25:03] Photo negative version of his neighborhood.

[1:25:05] He runs into his house.

[1:25:07] He has a bunch of exchanges with Susan Lucci where she sort of talks to him about how he –

[1:25:12] He decides to take his helmet off.

[1:25:14] She tells him not to.

[1:25:15] He does it anyway.

[1:25:16] He takes his gloves off.

[1:25:17] He takes his suit off so that he can embrace his wife who is sitting at the piano

[1:25:20] and she's unable to get outside of this like blue haze or whatever.

[1:25:24] He runs over to her.

[1:25:25] He gives her a hug.

[1:25:26] He takes all these leaps of faith, and then eventually the whole family is brought together.

[1:25:31] Susan Lucci freaks out when they all figure out that she has no power over them,

[1:25:34] kind of an elaborate sense, and she gets sucked back through this like big black hole thing,

[1:25:40] and then they wake up all of a sudden.

[1:25:42] Now they're in their regular house.

[1:25:44] It's been redecorated back to the way it was before.

[1:25:49] So he's like, this is my beautiful house.

[1:25:51] This is my beautiful wife.

[1:25:53] I know how I got here.

[1:25:54] Precisely.

[1:25:55] Yeah.

[1:25:56] Precisely.

[1:25:57] And there's a pretty obviously juxtaposed like special effect of smoke rising from the country club

[1:26:04] over the hill from their front yard, and that's the end of the movie.

[1:26:08] Awesome.

[1:26:09] Country club burns down.

[1:26:11] Wow, he really scoured the shire on this one.

[1:26:13] Okay, sure.

[1:26:14] Where's Sharky and Worm?

[1:26:16] And I don't know.

[1:26:17] The thing that they don't tell you that bothers me later, finding this out later,

[1:26:21] is so many things are back to normal at the end, but you don't find out is Tom still in hell?

[1:26:27] Is he on the floor dead at Micro Digitech?

[1:26:30] What happened to the other consequences of this?

[1:26:34] Is Grace, the secretary, is she back to life?

[1:26:36] Yeah.

[1:26:37] The limo driver.

[1:26:38] There's all kinds of them.

[1:26:39] Good question.

[1:26:40] There's a limo driver.

[1:26:41] Did he ever get his teaching degree?

[1:26:44] I mean all they had to do was wish to be back together as a family, and they're back to normal.

[1:26:50] I would hope that everybody else is back to normal as well, but the movie doesn't seem to want to tell you that.

[1:26:55] So that is the movie.

[1:26:57] What do you guys think?

[1:26:58] Are you sad you missed it?

[1:27:00] Are you glad you missed it?

[1:27:01] Or had to not miss it.

[1:27:04] If we have to not miss it and we want to watch it, how does one watch this movie, Alex?

[1:27:10] It's on YouTube.

[1:27:11] It's on YouTube.

[1:27:12] Whole thing.

[1:27:13] Okay.

[1:27:14] Dan, you go first.

[1:27:16] I will say that I literally sort of two-thirds of the way through this went on to my Letterboxd and added Invitation to Hell to my watch list.

[1:27:25] Cool.

[1:27:26] So that's a had to not miss it.

[1:27:28] It both sounds really funny, and it sounds like it might have that quality that a dumb horror thing sometimes has where the ineptness of the plotting kind of makes it creepier.

[1:27:43] It evokes a dream you might have where it doesn't necessarily make a whole lot of sense, but it's all the more disquieting because of kind of the nonsense of it all.

[1:28:00] Sure.

[1:28:01] So I'm sort of curious to see it.

[1:28:03] I think that's true.

[1:28:04] I think it's very much a product of its time, and it's satisfying to me in that way.

[1:28:08] It feels like all the conventions of the day is what they're trying to hit, those boxes they're trying to check, and I like all of those boxes mostly.

[1:28:16] Yeah, I feel like this is definitely either – it's either a sad we miss it or a had to not miss it.

[1:28:23] So maybe I'm going to head over to YouTube and look up Bruce Springsteen.

[1:28:31] What's the name of the movie?

[1:28:32] Invitation to Hell.

[1:28:33] Yeah.

[1:28:34] I think I will – I'm sad I missed it.

[1:28:37] I don't know if I'm going to had to not miss it necessarily if only because I have limited time in my day.

[1:28:45] And you don't want to mess up the YouTube algorithm in your home?

[1:28:50] Yeah, I have a YouTube algorithm.

[1:28:52] I don't want the – I want the YouTube algorithm to continue to just feed me unboxing videos and QAnon anti-vaccination videos.

[1:28:59] That's really what I'm on right now.

[1:29:01] Yeah.

[1:29:02] But it sounds like a blast.

[1:29:05] Thank you, Alex, so much for telling us about it.

[1:29:06] I feel like I lived it through you, and someday maybe I'll – maybe someday I'll accept that Invitation to Hell.

[1:29:13] I did end up telling you guys literally everything.

[1:29:16] Yeah, I mean you left very little to the imagination.

[1:29:21] So in addition to being a producer for our show, is there anything you would like to plug, Alex?

[1:29:28] Oh, of course.

[1:29:29] I have a weekly radio show that you can check out called Big Howl and Possum.

[1:29:35] Again, as my other moniker, Big Howl or Howl-Dawdy, I do a lot of music and comedy under the name of Howl-Dawdy.

[1:29:43] You can follow my Twitter account, which is at Howl-Dawdy, H-O-W-E-L-L-D-A-W-D-Y.

[1:29:49] I'm realizing right now that I forgot to say when my radio show is.

[1:29:53] It's 10 p.m. Eastern time on 91.9 WSBK, Louisville, Kentucky, which you can listen to anywhere.

[1:30:00] in the world at wfpk.org. There's back episodes of it on mixcloud.com as well. Big Howlin' Possum

[1:30:08] Radio Hour. I have a Twitch stream called Big Howlin' Possum, and then I have a weekly podcast

[1:30:17] with Patreon bonus episodes that is called Howl Dottie's Fast Track, where me and a guest write

[1:30:24] a brand new song in one half of one hour. Wow. It's a lot of fun, and it's been going for a

[1:30:32] little while. We did a sad country song about going to the movies, right? Stuart was on it

[1:30:39] quite a few weeks ago, and then I just recorded an episode with Charlene, Stuart's lovely wife,

[1:30:46] that will be out next week. This week's show is with Brian Quimby of Street Fight Radio.

[1:31:01] I have guests on, mostly comedians and podcasters, sometimes musicians, and we talk through writing

[1:31:08] a song, and then the song is at the end of the episode. So that's called Howl Dottie's

[1:31:13] Fast Track. Look for that anywhere you get your podcasts. I'm on Instagram as Howl Dottie,

[1:31:18] Facebook as Howl Dottie. In my comedy as an entertainer, I am known as Howl Dottie. As a

[1:31:27] podcast producer, I am known as Alex Smith, my real name. The fact that there's no difference

[1:31:32] between those two personalities, I'll just say is not my problem. I also produce Charlene's

[1:31:40] podcast. I know The Owner, which you should check out. It also has a theme song written by me.

[1:31:49] I think that's it. I think that's plenty. We're on the Maximum Fun Podcast Network.

[1:31:57] There's plenty of other great shows on there. Please check it out. If you like this show and

[1:32:01] you want to listen to more of it for some reason, you can always support us over at

[1:32:05] MaximumFun.org. Am I leaving anything out, boys? We want to thank our editor, Alex, who's here in

[1:32:13] front of us. That's him. Yeah. And we want to thank you. You're very welcome. I'll say you're

[1:32:18] welcome instead of yeah. And thank you, listeners, for putting up with our nonsense. I've been Stuart

[1:32:26] Wellington. I've been Dan McCoy. I've been Elliot Impeccable Bruce Springsteen Impression Kalen.

[1:32:32] And I am Alex Howl-Dotty Smith. Bye!

FH Mini 34 - Missed That Movie: Invitation to Hell

Transcript

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