Ep. #351 - Andy the Talking Hedgehog, with Jamelle Bouie

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Andy the Talking Hedgehog.

Stuart Wellington

[0:04] A talking hedgehog?

Dan McCoy

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:34] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:36] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:37] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:40] What a high-energy intro.

[0:42] And no wonder, because we've got a very special guest with us today.

[0:45] Guys, I have to drop it, the high-energy stuff, because I think my larynx is going to explode if I keep it up.

[0:51] I spend so much time yelling at my children that I just, I can't, I'm all out of loud.

[0:56] We're joined by a very special guest today, which is why we're so excited.

[1:00] Exoided and excited.

[1:01] Exoided is like excited, but a little bit Jewish-er.

[1:06] Our guest, Jamel Bowie, New York Times correspondent, freelance photographer, and even more importantly,

[1:12] as regular listeners will know because of the subject matter of this episode and his previous appearance on the show,

[1:17] our regular returning hedgehog correspondent dealing with all the hedgehog issues, hedgehog culture, hedgehog social analysis, hedgehog politics.

[1:26] Jamel, before we get in on this movie, Andy the Talking Hedgehog, tell me, where do you see hedgehog issues today in America?

Jamelle Bouie

[1:34] Well, you know, first of all, we have to discuss the big storming of the Capitol by that mass army of hedgehogs.

[1:40] It's not going on January 6th.

[1:42] The MAGA hedgehogs, the Confederate hedgehogs, the hedgehogs that built that gallows for Mike Pence.

[1:49] It's all very disturbing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:51] Which was doubly ironic since he is himself a hedgehog.

Jamelle Bouie

[1:53] Yes, true, true. First hedgehog American president.

[1:56] Or vice president.

Elliott Kalan

[1:58] Oh, just you wait. Just you wait. He'll get there.

[2:02] Wait, guys, did I forget to mention that I'm a total conservative guy now?

[2:07] I love it all. It's great.

[2:08] Is that why you're pointing at us as much as you are?

[2:11] It is. I think what I like best about it is the total abdication of responsibility for my own health and the health of others.

[2:18] I think that's really the best thing about it.

[2:20] Anyway, hedgehogs. We'll talk more about hedgehogs and we'll have more really cutting political satire.

[2:26] But first, I want to talk to you about our upcoming live show.

[2:30] That's right.

[2:31] On September 25th at 9 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Pacific.

[2:34] The Flophouse boys are doing it again.

[2:37] We're going to be on the Internet doing it.

[2:39] And by doing it, I mean talking about Super Mario Brothers.

[2:43] No nudity.

[2:44] Please don't misunderstand when I use the phrase doing it.

[2:47] We're going to have our live show over the Internet like we've done a few times, but it's going to be all new material, all new presentations, all new questions from the audience.

[2:54] We'll tell you more about the show later, but just want to make sure you're new in case you hadn't heard.

[2:58] September 25th, 9 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Pacific.

[3:01] To get tickets, either Google SimpleTix Flophouse Mario Brothers or go to flophousepodcast.com slash events and you'll find the link to get tickets.

[3:10] Again, I'll tell you about it more later in the show.

[3:13] But first, let's return to more of this cutting-edge political satire as we talk about Andy the Talking Hedgehog.

[3:20] Because, Dan, what do we do on this podcast?

Dan McCoy

[3:22] This is a podcast where we talk about bad movies.

[3:25] We watch a bad movie and then we talk about them.

[3:27] And boy, boy, this is Small Timber or Small Vember as you insist upon.

[3:34] Where we watch smaller movies, movies that normally we might think, oh, this is like beating up.

[3:43] A fish in a barrel.

[3:45] Like, just punching that fish.

[3:46] Not just punching down.

[3:48] I think that's way harder than you're making it sound.

Elliott Kalan

[3:51] I feel like we are.

[3:52] There's slippery.

[3:53] With a movie like this, we're punching so far down, it's like we're burrowing our fist into the ground to hit a corpse in the face.

Dan McCoy

[3:59] Yeah, in general, we like to take on something a little larger.

[4:03] But every year, we give ourselves a month's dispensation to make fun of something real small.

[4:10] And in this case, oh, boy, it's a small movie in production and a small movie in time.

[4:16] 70 minutes.

[4:17] Although, when we were watching it, it seemed like three hours.

[4:22] How much did this one cost to make, guys?

[4:25] I don't know how much it cost to make.

[4:27] I will say that there's a scene where you can see the address of the house.

[4:33] Oh, I looked it up.

[4:35] Because it is hugely large.

[4:36] Yeah, if you look it up, it is this house.

[4:38] They did not put up a fake address.

Elliott Kalan

[4:40] And the way that address is written on the front of the house, it's not just the street number.

[4:44] It is the street number and street name.

[4:46] Yeah.

[4:46] Written across the top above the door.

[4:48] I've never seen that on a house before.

[4:49] And it belongs to one of the producers of the film.

Dan McCoy

[4:51] I don't want to get into it anymore.

[4:53] Showing off.

[4:54] I mean, that makes sense.

[4:55] That's how small the movie is.

Elliott Kalan

[4:57] I mean, but it's a bigger house than my house.

[5:00] But it is a movie that takes place almost entirely inside and around one house.

[5:05] Yes.

Jamelle Bouie

[5:06] I mean, as far as how much it costs, I feel like it all depends on how much Dean Cain charged.

[5:10] It's true.

[5:11] That's the budget.

[5:12] It's just like gratis for Dean Cain.

[5:13] This is like a $500 movie.

Elliott Kalan

[5:15] Yeah, and this was probably part of Tara Reade's community service for something, I'm betting.

[5:19] The potato chip budget for this fucking movie is through the roof.

[5:24] And before you say it, yes, a movie shot mostly in and around one house could also be Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf or Bug.

[5:30] But this is not that kind of movie.

[5:31] You know what I'm talking about, listeners.

[5:32] Come on.

[5:34] So, Dan, tell us a little bit about Andy the Talking Hedgehog.

[5:36] How did this movie come to your attention?

Dan McCoy

[5:38] Well, you know, with small timber, I have found that the best thing to do these days, now that I have sort of like blown through some of the stuff that I had wanted to see that had been on my radar, is to crowdsource it.

[5:53] So, I asked a lot of Flophouse listeners on our Facebook group to give us suggestions.

[6:00] We got a lot of great suggestions.

[6:02] I went through them all, culled it down.

[6:05] But this one, I feel like, spoke to us.

[6:09] And we'll find out if I was right or wrong.

Stuart Wellington

[6:11] I had my money on, you just Googled, a talking and then auto-filled.

Elliott Kalan

[6:17] A talking feet.

[6:20] A talking wife.

[6:23] Yep, a talking net worth.

[6:25] We get it.

[6:28] And Jamel, you were given a selection of movies to choose from.

[6:31] Why did this one speak to you, other than your deep and professional interest in hedgehoging shoes?

Jamelle Bouie

[6:37] I mean, two reasons.

[6:38] First, I thought it would be funny if I just came back for another hedgehog episode.

[6:43] That was like the overriding one.

[6:46] And so, it helped that this was 70 minutes.

[6:48] But like, as soon as I turned it on, I was like, I made a terrible mistake.

Dan McCoy

[6:53] I got an email from Jamel saying like, something like I was, that you were 10 minutes into it and you didn't know if you could make it through or something along those lines.

Stuart Wellington

[7:01] And I got to say, that 70 minutes feels long when you're watching all them Tubi commercials.

[7:06] Am I right?

[7:07] Oh, yeah.

Jamelle Bouie

[7:07] That 70 minutes feels like both parts of Soda Bros.

[7:13] Shay film.

Stuart Wellington

[7:18] Okay.

[7:18] Well, guys, I'm going to be driving this vehicle.

[7:21] Let's see where we're at.

[7:22] So, as I mentioned, watch this shit on Tubi.

[7:24] Hell yeah, it delivers again.

[7:26] We got some hot opening credits with footage of hedgehogs.

Dan McCoy

[7:29] Yeah.

[7:30] As long as we're talking about the opening credits, I want to mention this is written by George P. Saunders.

[7:34] Not George Saunders.

Elliott Kalan

[7:36] Not the George Saunders of Pastorelia and Lincoln and the Bardo.

Dan McCoy

[7:40] That's a different George Saunders.

[7:41] George P. Saunders.

[7:42] Okay.

[7:43] He actually has like 43 screenplay credits, weirdly.

Stuart Wellington

[7:46] Most of my notes were about the similarities between George Saunders' works.

[7:50] So, I'm going to have to edit.

Elliott Kalan

[7:51] Oh, boy.

[7:53] Because, to be honest, if George Saunders could write a version of this story where a fairy gives all animals and plants around one house the ability to talk,

[8:02] and it would probably tell us something bittersweet about the human condition, ultimately, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[8:07] So, after the opening credits with footage of hedgehogs, we get a shot with two, I guess, crooks that are stealing a hedgehog with narration from the hedgehog in this, like, I bet you're wondering how I got here.

[8:21] That's exactly what I have in my note.

[8:23] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[8:25] But this also, this starts a theme in the movie, which is the hedgehog introducing things and then saying, well, we'll talk about that later.

[8:31] Exactly.

[8:32] What the fuck?

[8:33] And how would you describe the voice of the hedgehog, Stu?

Stuart Wellington

[8:36] I mean, I would say 50% there.

[8:41] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[8:41] It does sound.

[8:42] On a cell phone somewhere.

[8:44] It is clearly the director of the movie, who also does the other animal voice in it, and he is clearly trying to channel Lorenzo Music as Garfield, and it is not quite, it's not coming across, you know.

Dan McCoy

[8:54] Yeah, there's a little bit of, like, kind of a droopier, dopier quality, and then, like, as the cat, it's like, hi, I'm the cat, I'm mean.

[9:04] And all I can think about is in that Manos at the Hands of Fate Mystery Science Theater where Joel's like, that was just one guy doing all the voices back there.

[9:13] Just one guy.

Stuart Wellington

[9:14] Just one guy, yeah.

[9:16] So, yeah, so we back up, and Andy the Hedgehog, we're informed that his name's Andy, explains that he got the ability to speak due to a wish that all animals can speak all the time, just humans can't hear it.

[9:30] But he got it because of magic.

[9:32] Wait, wait, wait, not too fast.

[9:34] Let's back up again.

[9:35] So we back up to meet the family.

[9:37] There's a lot of freeze frames, freeze frames for every character.

Elliott Kalan

[9:40] This is the Sargosa manuscript of low-budget talking animal family films.

[9:43] The movie just keeps edging you about when you're going to get to the story, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[9:49] Yeah, it's like the most recent Mortal Kombat movie.

[9:52] So we're introduced to the family.

[9:56] We have a little girl named Lily who is the caretaker for Andy the Hedgehog.

[10:00] We have, I think you guys might have to help me, Tina is her older sister who is a cheerleader and is very sarcastic.

Jamelle Bouie

[10:07] She never seems to get out of that cheerleader uniform.

[10:10] The movie takes place over several days, and each time she's wearing the same cheerleader uniform, her and her friends spend all their time everywhere in their cheerleader uniforms.

Stuart Wellington

[10:19] And I don't think high schools provide multiples, right?

[10:22] They give you one, then they expect you to clean it.

Elliott Kalan

[10:25] Yeah.

[10:25] Yeah, I think that's about right.

[10:26] Yeah.

[10:27] Perhaps this is taking place in some far future where clothing has entered a self-cleaning state.

[10:32] It's possible.

[10:32] Maybe just for special uniforms.

[10:33] Maybe it's just like in Spider-Man 2099, the reason he uses, in the Marvel comics, the reason he uses that costume is because he bought a costume made of unstable molecules because he was going to go celebrate the Day of the Dead down in Mexico, and he didn't want to rip his clothes or get them dirty.

[10:46] So he bought this one more expensive outfit.

[10:48] And that's why Spider-Man 2099 has a big skull on the front of him.

[10:51] Maybe it's like that.

[10:53] Maybe it's taking place in the year 2099, which is just like now in all respects, except cheerleader uniforms can be worn multiple days.

Dan McCoy

[10:59] Well, also, it is a very strange movie in terms of time.

[11:04] I had a hard time following what time frame this is supposed to be happening in.

Elliott Kalan

[11:08] They're dealing with all this stuff with Andy the Hedgehog, and then her sister's friends come over, and then they're like, well, we got to go to school.

[11:14] And I was like, wait, was this all happening before 8 a.m.?

Dan McCoy

[11:16] Yeah, there's time for one friend to come over and then call another friend, and they come over.

[11:21] And then, like, Dean Cain goes to work, and I guess maybe he forgot something, but I don't think it's clear because he then, like, comes back, like, 20 minutes later from work.

Stuart Wellington

[11:30] I feel like when I went to school – when I was going to high school, it was either, like, kind of dark or, like, dawn when I was going to school.

Dan McCoy

[11:37] Yeah.

[11:38] I mean, it depends on the time of the year, obviously.

[11:39] But, yeah, I think that that's – like, it is ridiculous how often in movies people, like, just hang out before their day starts.

Elliott Kalan

[11:47] I mean, just the fact that when I was a kid, it was always a rush.

[11:50] And today, as an adult, it's always a rush to get children out of the house and ready for school.

[11:54] We never had leisure time to hang out with our friends before school.

[11:58] But anyway, but that's – look, and also Andy the Hedgehog takes place in a sort of liminal time zone, much like in Stalker or The Third Policeman.

[12:06] Thank you.

[12:07] You know, something like that.

Dan McCoy

[12:07] I mean, speaking of confusions of time and space, also, as long as we're introducing characters, the mom, I believe –

[12:14] Melissa.

[12:14] Appears outside of the kitchen only twice in the film for very brief moments.

[12:19] Like, there's one point where she opens a door.

[12:21] She's trapped.

[12:22] And there's one point where she says goodnight to one of the kids.

[12:24] But otherwise, she's always at the kitchen either fixing a meal or drinking coffee.

Elliott Kalan

[12:28] And, spoiler alert, at the end, she appears in a cheerleader outfit that she has no memory of putting on.

[12:32] Yeah.

[12:33] So this really is – the movie gets – there are these moments of just sheer – like, we're like, is this all taking place in Andy's head?

[12:39] Like, what's going on here?

Stuart Wellington

[12:40] And while we're talking about characters and their strange positioning in space, we have Whiskers, the hairless cat, who is like a grouchy, evil figure.

[12:52] And Whiskers is almost always perched on top of cabinets in every room.

[12:59] Like, no matter what – or is in one room and just can project its, like, image in other rooms.

Dan McCoy

[13:04] Also twice referred to in the film as that fuzzy thing, when, again, a hairless cat.

[13:10] It's hairless, yeah.

Jamelle Bouie

[13:11] We'll have to get into Whiskers being obsessed with death later.

[13:16] That's what it's defining –

[13:17] Yeah.

[13:17] It's defining trait in this film.

Elliott Kalan

[13:20] Yeah.

[13:21] I always feel bad for hairless cats like that because you can't help but assume –

[13:24] It goes back to ancient Egypt.

[13:27] Yeah.

[13:27] You can't help but assume that they're a demon from looking at them.

[13:30] But they're just a cat.

[13:31] Like, they have the brain of a regular cat, but they look like a demon.

[13:35] So I can't help but assume they're monsters when probably all they want to do is normal cat things like kill me and eat me.

Stuart Wellington

[13:40] So we're also introduced to the paterfamilius, the father of the family.

[13:45] That's what I just said, played by – Bob, played by Dean Cain, who in real life is a piece of shit.

[13:51] And he was –

Elliott Kalan

[13:53] Now, I know he is, but I can't remember why he is.

[13:56] Do you remember why – why do I not like him?

Jamelle Bouie

[13:58] I think he's just like another, like, washed-up doctor who became a right-winger.

[14:02] I think it's royal.

[14:03] Oh, okay.

[14:04] Okay, that makes sense.

Elliott Kalan

[14:06] His hair still looks pretty Superman-y though.

Stuart Wellington

[14:08] Oh, yeah.

[14:09] Well, okay.

[14:09] I guess he gets a W on that one.

[14:12] So can I like him from the far head up?

[14:14] Yeah, I mean, we could –

[14:15] I mean, you could take his picture to the barber if you want to.

[14:17] I guess we'll have to separate art from artist in this case.

Elliott Kalan

[14:20] I like to separate the hair from the hairedist.

[14:22] Uh-huh.

Stuart Wellington

[14:24] The –

[14:25] Do you take people's hair?

[14:26] So who else do we have?

[14:27] We have –

Elliott Kalan

[14:27] Yeah, I like to take – I sneak into their house at night and I separate their hair from them.

[14:31] That's horrible.

[14:32] They call me the hair fairy.

[14:34] It was just – and they haven't caught me yet.

[14:36] So watch out, Clarice.

[14:40] I guess you need to go hang out with a cannibal to find out how to trap me.

Stuart Wellington

[14:45] Wow, you're so over it.

[14:48] Very sassy.

[14:49] And then we're introduced to one of Tina's cheerleader friends, Trixie.

[14:56] Yeah.

[14:57] Who is like kind of ditzy and dumb and says made-up words and is always taking pictures.

Dan McCoy

[15:02] And everyone continually talks to her about how dumb she is and just expects her to – I mean, she does take it.

[15:10] But I'm like – I just want to be like, Trixie, these people aren't your friends.

[15:13] Yeah.

[15:13] They keep talking to you so cruelly.

Jamelle Bouie

[15:17] Is Trixie the one who came on to Dean Cain?

[15:21] That's Tori.

[15:22] That's the head cheerleader.

[15:23] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[15:24] But that was weird.

[15:26] That was a weird moment.

[15:27] Yeah.

[15:28] I feel like that was in Dean Cain's contract was like at some point a teen girl has to be totally turned on by me.

Jamelle Bouie

[15:33] That's what it felt like because it's never remarked on again.

[15:35] It definitely felt like Dean Cain's like, listen, if we're going to have teen girls in this movie –

Stuart Wellington

[15:40] Everyone has to identify that I'm still a dilf.

[15:45] It's in my contract.

[15:46] So we cut to – oh, yeah.

[15:50] We're introduced to Whiskers, the hairless cat that Andy describes as Bob's cat from the old days.

[15:59] And that is never remarked on.

[16:00] Do not know.

[16:02] Like it's said in a way where I'm like, was he an assassin?

[16:04] What is going on?

Jamelle Bouie

[16:06] I mean, to go back to the possibility that this movie takes place like in 2099, maybe they're like in some sort of biodome, right?

[16:13] So it's sort of like the old days are like pre-climate catastrophe.

[16:17] Bob had Whiskers before everything went to hell and they got put into this replica Florida suburb.

Dan McCoy

[16:25] That is certainly supported by later on when inexplicably it becomes extremely foggy outside.

[16:33] Like from like one shot to another.

Elliott Kalan

[16:35] When Whiskers is telling his story about his lost love later on – spoiler alert – we see him sitting on a balcony in a city and it is the only time the existence of urban locations or anything other than the school and the house is ever hinted at.

[16:49] So yeah, I totally – this is a totally valid reading of the movie that there was – he and Bob used to live in a city and there was some kind of ecological catastrophe and now he lives in this hologram dome.

Stuart Wellington

[16:59] Yeah, Whiskers has this whole like flashback like he's about – like he's going on his fucking Shrike pilgrimage or something.

[17:05] Like what's going on here?

Jamelle Bouie

[17:07] A flashback by the way.

[17:08] We miss the scene where he keeps on dying, getting like recreated into a new hairless cat.

[17:15] Yeah.

[17:15] Oh.

Stuart Wellington

[17:16] Okay.

[17:17] So let's see.

[17:20] So the Lily is outside.

[17:23] She remarks like a child would that she wishes all the things that she sees could talk – plants, animals, et cetera.

[17:31] Yeah.

[17:31] Immediately is whisked away into a fairy universe that looks like –

Dan McCoy

[17:36] It looks like a filter, an Instagram stories filter or a Snapchat filter that they –

Elliott Kalan

[17:42] I like if you went to where Shrek lives and you took a picture with an Instagram filter.

[17:47] I feel like that's kind of what you would get.

Dan McCoy

[17:49] Yeah, just got a bunch of animated butterflies around.

Stuart Wellington

[17:51] And we're introduced to Lily's fairy BFF played by Tara Reid who is dressed I guess like a hippie.

[18:00] Like she's got some flowers in her hair.

[18:03] She's going to San Francisco.

[18:04] Yeah.

[18:05] Yes.

[18:06] And she explains that she's a rookie.

[18:09] She is there to grant wishes.

[18:11] So of course Lily wishes that all these things could talk.

[18:14] And of course Tara Reid grants that wish.

Dan McCoy

[18:17] And I want to say like the wish that the kid makes seems pretty offhand.

[18:21] Just like the way you might just like walk outdoors and be like, oh man, I wish the weather were better today.

[18:28] You know, like – and she's like, oh, I wish I could know what everyone was saying.

[18:32] And then Tara Reid shows up and she sticks with the wish.

[18:35] I feel like – I don't know.

[18:37] If you're suddenly like, oh, we're doing wishes now like that are actually going to come true, can I switch it up?

[18:45] Am I nailed down to this one?

Elliott Kalan

[18:47] She didn't even invest a birthday candle in this wish.

[18:50] So like, yeah, Tara Reid maybe – but Tara Reid's a rookie.

[18:52] You know, that's how it is.

Jamelle Bouie

[18:53] Yeah, and maybe she has like a quota.

[18:54] You know, she's like a cop on a street where people speak.

[18:59] She has to get as many wishes as she can before the end of the month.

[19:02] And, you know, a little girl whispers and Tara Reid's like, hey, listen, I got this.

[19:07] Got taken care of.

Elliott Kalan

[19:09] It's easy.

[19:10] Just let them talk.

[19:11] Let all these things talk.

[19:12] I always wondered, not to get too controversial, but I always wondered why cops have to meet those quotas.

[19:17] It seems impossible for a cop to lose their job under any circumstances.

[19:21] So I never understood.

[19:22] They're like, we got our parking ticket quotas.

[19:24] And it's like, and what's going to happen if you write a less ticket, one less?

[19:28] I don't understand.

Stuart Wellington

[19:29] So listeners, if you know the answer, write to Elliot Kalin.

[19:32] Oh, boy.

Elliott Kalan

[19:32] Write to me, care of, police, because I'll be in custody.

[19:37] Probably because they'll have caught me when I tried to steal the hair off of somebody in their sleep.

[19:42] So Lily walks away.

Stuart Wellington

[19:46] And then Tara Reid is immediately accosted by her boss, who is, I don't know, God?

[19:51] Who is this figure?

Dan McCoy

[19:52] He's like, yeah.

[19:54] I mean, he's like the head fairy, I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[19:56] And he explains that, of course, the wish she granted was far too powerful.

Elliott Kalan

[19:59] He's just an older man wearing regular clothes.

[20:02] Like, he's not even in a costume.

[20:03] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[20:04] That he said that, you know, the wish was far too powerful.

[20:07] She never should have granted it.

[20:09] He turns her into a toad briefly and then back into a human shape.

[20:15] Yeah, it's kind of weird.

[20:16] But then they don't actually talk about a way forward.

[20:19] I guess we'll get to that later.

[20:21] Lily's walking around with Andy the Hedgehog, who is talking to her.

[20:24] She's very excited.

[20:25] She remarks, I still can't believe you can talk, which was like, that was like two seconds

[20:29] ago, dude, still.

[20:32] I'm going to say a whole entire life.

Elliott Kalan

[20:34] I think, did you mention there's a no talking animals rule?

Stuart Wellington

[20:38] Yeah, it's like a code violation.

[20:40] Yeah, yeah.

[20:41] He quotes a very specific, but again, does nothing.

Elliott Kalan

[20:45] And then he goes to, he goes to this other magical character and goes, I know they wanted

[20:49] to know if these walls could talk.

[20:51] Please don't make the walls talk.

[20:52] It really freaks people out.

[20:53] They don't want talking walls that can watch them do things.

[20:55] Don't do it.

[20:56] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[20:57] So now we're going to get a little bit of, we get a little bit of conflict because we're

[21:01] introduced to a pair of very terrifying crooks.

[21:06] We have an older, I think, Italian gentleman and his sidekick Bubba, or as it is pronounced

[21:12] throughout the movie, Bubba.

[21:13] I think he's Eastern European, Mr. Roller.

Dan McCoy

[21:17] They're criminals of opportunity.

[21:19] They aren't necessarily crooks.

[21:21] They're handymen.

[21:22] They're handymen.

[21:23] Yeah.

[21:24] They're general handymen.

[21:25] Who will later on see an opportunity to steal the talking hedgehog for the game.

Stuart Wellington

[21:29] I assume that they were just posing as gardeners the whole time.

Elliott Kalan

[21:33] No, because they know, because everyone in the family knows them already.

[21:36] Oh, yeah.

[21:36] I'll tell you something, too.

Dan McCoy

[21:37] Like, they also have a very nice ladder that Audrey was so, like, she was more, like,

[21:43] this is an indication of how boring the movie gets at times that she looked up the price

[21:47] of the ladder that these handymen have.

[21:49] It's a, we're talking a $450 ladder here, so.

Elliott Kalan

[21:52] I don't want to, I don't want to reinforce Audrey's ladderphilia, but I also noticed that it was

[21:57] a very nice ladder.

[21:58] I was like, that's nicer than my ladder.

Stuart Wellington

[22:00] They spent like 10 minutes fucking around with it on the patio.

Elliott Kalan

[22:04] Yeah, that's true.

[22:05] I mean, in terms of screen time, the ladder pays for itself, for sure.

[22:08] Because they use it, they're like, pricey ladder, guys, we gotta justify it, you know,

[22:13] amortize it over 10 minutes of you goofing around trying to set it up.

Dan McCoy

[22:17] Maybe the producer's like, I'll let you use my house if I get to keep that ladder.

Elliott Kalan

[22:22] I mean, it's probably just his ladder, but he's got a nice house.

[22:26] But Mr. Roller, the leader of the two, I didn't realize this, but I wonder if maybe

[22:33] they just call him that because he painted their house one time and they don't actually

[22:37] know his real name.

[22:38] In which case he becomes a more sympathetic character to me.

Stuart Wellington

[22:41] Oh, okay.

[22:42] Yeah.

[22:42] It's not like he's using different names on different apps to keep his anonymity.

[22:49] I mean, can you do that?

[22:50] Probably, yeah.

[22:51] If you, like, like if he set up a Tass Rabbit with a different name.

[22:55] Yeah.

[22:56] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[22:56] So, yeah, the one-

[22:59] I'm just teaching Elliot how to catfish people, Dan.

[23:00] Yeah, no, but one of them's like, one of them's Italian and the other's like-

[23:05] Dan backed me up.

[23:06] He said he's Italian.

[23:07] A bumbling-

[23:08] I don't think he's Italian, but I could be wrong about that.

[23:10] I think he is supposed to be Italian.

[23:10] I just assumed he was like generic ethnic European.

[23:13] Yeah.

[23:14] And the other one's like a portly bald man.

[23:16] So it's that classic Chico and Curly, but not funny.

[23:20] He literally does like curly bits at one point, right?

Elliott Kalan

[23:22] He's a classic portmanteau.

[23:24] That's a portly bald man who has toes.

[23:28] So-

[23:29] I mean, we have to assume he has toes.

[23:30] We never see him with his shoes off.

[23:32] His balance seems, other than the times when he's falling down and knocking over his cohort,

[23:36] his balance is fine.

Stuart Wellington

[23:37] So these guys don't just want to be gardeners.

[23:39] Mr. Roller has a plan.

[23:41] He ripped out a page of the local newspaper that had an advertisement for a contest to win

[23:47] $10,000 by finding the weirdest thing and putting it on the internet.

[23:52] Yeah.

[23:53] And then they do a sequence where Bubba does some farts and burps to music.

[24:00] To harmonica music.

[24:03] And I figured that would be enough, but it's not, I guess.

[24:06] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[24:06] He keeps, throughout the movie, he keeps talking about his riches and he's going to be rich.

[24:10] And it's like, it's just $10,000.

[24:11] Like that's a lot of, that's a good chunk of money.

[24:13] But you can't retire on $10,000.

[24:18] Maybe it's just my LA lifestyle where $10,000 is, you can buy a coffee for that, maybe.

[24:23] But, you know.

[24:23] Okay, so.

[24:24] And you know, knowing Bubba, he's just going to, he's a goof.

[24:27] He's just going to take it to New York, go to Serendipity 3, get that $10,000 sundae that

[24:31] comes with a diamond bracelet and the money's going to be gone.

Stuart Wellington

[24:33] So Andy, Andy tells us that he won't, he doesn't want to, and I think, I guess he tells

[24:39] Lily that he doesn't want to talk around other humans because, and Whiskers backs him up,

[24:43] that talking around other humans will only cause trouble.

[24:47] So he almost immediately breaks that rule and starts talking in front of the cheerleaders.

[24:52] The cheerleaders.

[24:55] There's the cheerleaders.

[24:57] What is it?

[24:58] Trixie and Tina have very strange reactions when they first see this talking hedgehog.

[25:05] One is like shocked and one is kind of mad about it.

[25:10] And then meanwhile, as we mentioned, there were some patio shenanigans and a ladder.

[25:15] Mr. Roller climbs up there, I'm assuming to be a peeping Tom.

[25:19] Instead, he sees Andy talking, you know, he sees a hedgehog talking to some girls.

[25:24] He falls off the ladder.

[25:26] Then Bubba rolls around on top of him.

[25:29] And then they snuggle when Melissa comes out and asks them what they're doing.

[25:33] They're hatching a scheme to kidnap Andy, put him on the internet, and get that 10,000 smackers.

Elliott Kalan

[25:40] Now we should mention also, describe what it's like when Andy talks.

[25:44] Does his mouth move?

[25:45] Is there any indication that the sound is actually coming from this hedgehog?

Stuart Wellington

[25:49] But they hang out.

[25:51] They bring that up out.

[25:52] They talk about that up front, right?

[25:54] They say that, you know, like a lot of people move their mouths a lot and say nothing, you know?

[25:59] Okay, so I guess that makes him okay.

[26:02] No, it is very strange.

Elliott Kalan

[26:04] He's a talking hedgehog who also says boilerplate nonsense philosophy.

[26:07] So, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[26:08] Yeah, it is just talking over a footage of a hedgehog or a cat with, again, very similar voices.

[26:18] Yeah, and then there's flowers and like a bird, and that's also the same voice but a woman.

Elliott Kalan

[26:24] And there's a second hedgehog later that we only see in one scene.

Dan McCoy

[26:27] Yeah.

[26:28] But it is like, it's basically, you know, like America's Funniest Home Videos where someone's just narrating over some video.

Stuart Wellington

[26:37] So we get a little bit of like, we get a little bit of hijinks.

[26:39] The girls are, you know, becoming accustomed to Andy.

[26:45] Tina is rightly concerned about rubbing the belly of a talking animal.

[26:49] I think that would be weird.

[26:51] They suggest maybe he's possessed by an alien.

[26:54] That's a weird joke, but whatever.

[26:56] They have to call their friend Tori, who's the head cheerleader, who, as we mentioned, has a very strange, very sexually charged scene with Dean Cain.

[27:05] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[27:06] I expected that to like, be at least addressed later when like, Dean Cain, later, spoiler, for something we're going to describe in 10 minutes.

[27:17] Dean Cain hears the hedgehog talk, has a mental breakdown where he only wants to like, watch cartoons and eat potato chips.

[27:26] And I sort of thought that like, there'd be some payoff where like, this teen girl is like freaked out by the devolution of Dean Cain even further.

Elliott Kalan

[27:36] Or alternately is like, is like, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[27:39] I've seen American Beauty.

[27:41] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[27:43] This is my time to swoop in when they stop taking care of themselves, right before they start taking care of themselves.

Stuart Wellington

[27:49] So Tori shows up and she's definitely like the alpha.

Elliott Kalan

[27:52] Because he starts working out, Dan.

[27:53] Oh, okay, okay.

[27:54] Remember?

Stuart Wellington

[27:55] So Tori swoops in.

[27:56] She's the like alpha mean girl.

[27:58] She barges into the room and she says, what's this crap about talking pets?

[28:04] Then as soon as Andy starts talking, she faints, which is, I thought that was a pretty good joke.

[28:12] Whiskers, meanwhile, makes a deal with the crooks to kidnap Andy, which is weird because I would think that they like, wouldn't Whiskers be even weirder?

[28:22] I mean, he's a hairless talking cat.

Dan McCoy

[28:23] So Whiskers says, if you take me, I will just refuse to talk.

[28:27] But it's like, Andy can do that too, man.

[28:30] Like, I don't get this.

Jamelle Bouie

[28:32] Whiskers will just, he doesn't give a fuck.

[28:34] He's a nihilist.

[28:35] He has no real aim here.

[28:38] He just wants to cause havoc.

[28:40] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[28:42] Yeah, he's seen a lot of pain, as we later learn through his extensive flashback, that looks kind of like karaoke footage in a cat universe.

Elliott Kalan

[28:51] Yeah, if it was karaoke for cats or cat-ioke, yeah.

[28:54] I mean...

[28:56] Dan, what would be your cat-ioke song if you were a cat singing karaoke?

[29:00] Probably Meow.

Dan McCoy

[29:02] Oh, okay.

[29:03] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[29:04] Cats in the Cradle was the obvious one.

[29:07] Or cat people.

[29:07] Yeah, I think so.

Dan McCoy

[29:08] Yeah, I assumed that we were just doing karaoke to cat sounds.

[29:11] Oh, okay.

[29:14] No, but these flashback cats...

Elliott Kalan

[29:16] Mine, by the way, would be Cat Thing You Do, which is all about things that cats do.

Dan McCoy

[29:20] Yeah.

[29:20] I don't know why I'm thanking you for that, but I appreciate it.

[29:24] Thank you for being a friend.

[29:26] No, I was just going to say these flashback cats are not only younger cats, but clearly totally different markings.

[29:34] Some of them kittens.

[29:36] And likewise, oftentimes, if there's a lot of footage of Andy just doing stuff around out in nature...

[29:45] Yeah, a lot of B-roll.

[29:46] There's several different hedgehogs that look nothing alike that they have used.

Stuart Wellington

[29:52] Yeah, this is when...

[29:54] Around here in the movies, when they let Andy just wander around outside, and it's clearly just the director narrating what the hedgehog is doing,

[30:03] whether it's eating sausage, scratching his face, hanging out with this other hedgehog friend, Mike, and drinking milk, and saying milk over and over and over.

Elliott Kalan

[30:11] Yeah, he really says milk a lot.

[30:12] Now, here's my question about this footage.

[30:14] Is this footage they shot, or is this footage they bought from some footage company of hedgehogs?

Dan McCoy

[30:21] Bought other hedgehog footage, because it's not the same hedgehog.

Elliott Kalan

[30:24] And why else would they have a scene where he's eating sausage, or he's eating a piece of a hot dog, or just drinking milk again?

Jamelle Bouie

[30:31] Were they just trying to pad out, and they were like, we don't have any more Andy footage.

[30:35] We've got to get some more hedgehog footage.

Elliott Kalan

[30:37] Our Japanese investors demanded a 70-minute run time.

[30:41] We're at 68.

[30:42] We've got to do whatever we can.

[30:44] We sold a 70-minute movie to the South American market.

[30:48] We've got to get it to 70 minutes.

Stuart Wellington

[30:50] There's a bit where a dog shows up, and Andy is rightly terrified.

[30:55] And the dog just barks and acts like a dog and doesn't talk, unlike every plant and animal in the movie.

Dan McCoy

[31:02] I would also like to point out that Andy pronounces milk the way I pronounced it before you guys made fun of me.

[31:09] What, milk?

[31:09] Yeah, he says a lot of malk.

[31:11] Malk.

[31:11] Malk, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[31:13] Well, he's from what, Michigan?

Stuart Wellington

[31:15] Andy?

[31:16] Yeah.

[31:16] Yeah, is that a Michigan thing?

[31:17] So the cheerleaders try and hatch a plan to exploit Andy to get famous and get Andy laid.

[31:25] I don't remember.

Elliott Kalan

[31:26] Oh, yeah, actually, they do talk about that.

[31:27] Never mind.

[31:27] They do talk about that.

[31:28] They're like, he could even have a girlfriend.

[31:30] That's like a mate.

[31:31] And it gets very...

[31:33] Andy is not interested in it, but they really seem to be interested in watching these hedgehogs get it.

Stuart Wellington

[31:38] So I think this is still day one of this odyssey.

[31:43] We have, and meanwhile, we have the two, again, my notes just has them listed as crooks.

[31:49] Maybe I'm doing them a disservice.

[31:50] They are in the house.

[31:52] They are stalking Andy.

[31:54] They come up with a plan to do a termite inspection because they say the house has termites,

[31:59] and they're carrying whiskers around.

[32:01] And I got a little bit of an attempt to do like a Team Rocket vibe here, but it just wasn't working for me.

[32:06] And again, this is happening all before school starts.

Elliott Kalan

[32:10] In my notes, I kept...

[32:12] I was so amazed at how long it took to get to them actually picking up Andy and trying to take him.

[32:18] So I kept writing, they kidnap Andy, and then having to cross it out because the scene would abruptly end and go to something else.

[32:24] And it was like, I assumed the movie was going to be, they kidnap Andy.

[32:30] Lily's got to get Andy back.

[32:32] Yeah.

[32:32] And goes after him.

[32:33] But they just wander around that house forever, passing up opportunity after opportunity to pick up that hedgehog and walk away with him.

[32:40] Yeah.

[32:40] It boggled my mind how little effort they were putting into this.

[32:45] They could get $10,000.

Dan McCoy

[32:47] Come on.

[32:47] Yeah.

[32:47] They had to tell the cheerleaders twice that there's termites in the house to get them out of the room.

Stuart Wellington

[32:54] Does termites necessitate a freakout?

[32:57] It's not like it's roaches or bedbots.

[32:59] I mean, if you're the homeowner, maybe.

Elliott Kalan

[33:00] Oh, yeah.

[33:01] Yeah.

[33:02] The cheerleaders also, they have wooden legs.

[33:05] That's the thing.

[33:05] Oh, that makes sense.

[33:07] Yeah.

[33:08] Yeah.

[33:08] It's a tough business to be in.

[33:10] So.

[33:11] Yeah.

[33:11] Those high kicks, sometimes you just, you kick and your leg just flies right off because of all the force.

Stuart Wellington

[33:16] So as the kids go to school, Dean Cain returns home in, as Dan mentioned before, a very foggy morning.

[33:25] I'm assuming he turned back because he realized there are things in the fog.

Elliott Kalan

[33:29] Yeah.

[33:29] Well, he was going off to his work beyond the borderlands because they live in the house on the borderlands.

[33:33] And I guess the pig men forced him to turn back.

[33:36] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[33:36] That's the fog wall of Ravenloft.

[33:39] Yeah.

[33:39] So Dean Cain returns.

[33:40] He has forgotten something.

[33:42] He ends up talking to Whiskers.

[33:43] He realizes that Whiskers can talk.

[33:45] But he thinks that he is having a mental breakdown, that Whiskers is not actually talking, and that he's been working too hard.

[33:51] That was evidenced by him walking in while talking on his cell phone doing some business bitch stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[33:57] In the movies, shorthand for works too much.

[34:00] Yeah.

[34:00] Wear a suit, have a cell phone, is called a sports agent.

[34:04] That's it.

[34:05] It means you work too much.

[34:06] You should be with your family.

Stuart Wellington

[34:08] I hate having phone calls, guys.

[34:11] Yeah.

[34:12] I would want to get all my business done over text.

[34:15] Um, so the, uh, okay, so the crooks have to hide under the bed while Dean Cain hangs out with Andy.

[34:23] Uh, there's some more bits.

[34:25] Dean Cain somehow, uh, somehow, uh, hears Tara Reid and her boss talking.

[34:31] Yeah.

[34:31] As they're coming up with a plan on how to figure out, uh, how to do away with this.

[34:36] They realize that they have to get the little girl to do like a counter wish.

[34:40] Uh, Dean Cain takes Andy to bed.

[34:44] Uh, Tara, Tara Reid lures Lily into the magical school bathroom and tries to get her to reverse the wish.

[34:51] And the little girl's like, I don't get it.

Elliott Kalan

[34:54] Now, when you say he takes him to bed, it, he just, they just take a nap.

[34:58] It's not, it's not like you can talk.

[35:01] You can give me consent.

[35:02] Let's do this, Andy.

Stuart Wellington

[35:06] I mean, I, there's a lot of implied sexuality between Andy and Dean Cain's Bob character.

Jamelle Bouie

[35:12] I mean, if, if the mom can't escape the kitchen, Dean Cain might just be lonely in that bedroom.

[35:18] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[35:19] That's very true.

[35:20] Melissa's going through a lot.

[35:21] She's got her own, uh, yeah, her, like her phylactery is inside the kitchen.

[35:25] She can't go too far from it.

[35:27] Um, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[35:27] Now, and, and she also is not, it's, we don't know where she is during this time when Dean Cain comes back and is, and thinks he's going crazy.

[35:33] She is just, maybe she's sleeping in the refrigerator or something like that in her, in her kitchen apartment.

[35:38] I don't know.

[35:38] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[35:39] One might argue, one might make the claim that she's driving the kids to school.

[35:42] I think that's a spurious claim because as we've addressed, she can't travel too far from the kitchen.

[35:47] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[35:47] Roger Ebert would tell us, you can't assume things that are outside the picture plane.

[35:51] You got to go with what the movie shows you.

Stuart Wellington

[35:52] Is that, and he was talking about Andy the talking hedgehog when he said that, right?

[35:56] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[35:56] It was a class where he was teaching being there and Andy the talking hedgehog.

[36:00] And he was making it clear you have to go with what the movie tells you.

[36:03] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[36:03] Okay, guys, time for us to get to a real, uh, the real exciting part of the movie.

[36:07] And that's, at the school, we're introduced to, uh, Mr. Coogan and Mrs. Havanet.

[36:15] Uh, Mr. Coogan is, I think, uh, they're both teachers.

[36:18] And Mr. Coogan is down bad for her.

[36:21] Yeah.

[36:21] He is, he cannot control himself.

[36:24] And the kids can't stop talking about how much of a fucking hard on Mr. Coogan has for his coworker.

Elliott Kalan

[36:31] But he just can't pull the trigger on that thing.

Stuart Wellington

[36:33] He just can't, he can't make it happen.

Dan McCoy

[36:34] I mean, like, I, look, I don't know.

[36:38] Maybe, maybe it's my own, uh, lack of, uh, empathy as a child.

[36:43] I don't think that teens in general, uh, pay enough attention to the lives of their teachers

[36:49] to have any opinion on whether these two should get together or not.

Elliott Kalan

[36:54] Well, I mean, two pieces of evidence.

[36:55] One, the movie Clueless.

[36:57] So there you go.

[36:58] Okay.

[36:58] From which this is stolen.

[36:59] Yeah.

[36:59] Uh, two, when I was in high school, I certainly knew which teachers were having affairs.

[37:03] Okay.

[37:04] Because we would all be talking about it.

[37:05] But, uh, this is the opposite of that.

[37:07] These teachers are clearly not having an affair.

[37:09] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[37:10] Uh, meanwhile, back home, Dean Cain is eating, uh, potato chips with the smallest possible

[37:15] bites.

[37:16] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[37:16] Uh, well, you know, I mean, even for a part, Dean Cain knows a minute on the lips, a lifetime

[37:23] on Dean Cain.

Elliott Kalan

[37:24] Or you gotta, or, like, the movie's budget is so small that they could only give him four

[37:28] potato chips for all the takes.

[37:30] And they're like, make them last, Dean.

[37:31] Make them last.

Jamelle Bouie

[37:32] These are Costco, man, and we can't, we only got one bag.

Stuart Wellington

[37:37] Later on, he bumps into the crooks who are trying to steal his hedgehog, and he's carrying

[37:42] a plate covered in potato chips.

[37:45] Yeah.

[37:45] Which is the worst way to carry potato chips.

Jamelle Bouie

[37:47] Yeah, let me say, I have never seen a human being put potato chips on a plate by themselves.

[37:54] Right?

[37:54] You have a sandwich or something.

[37:56] Sure.

[37:56] You got some chips on the side.

[37:57] But just, like, like, what maniac just, like, pile chips on a plate, just eat them up

[38:01] a goddamn bag.

[38:03] Or get a bowl.

Stuart Wellington

[38:05] Get a bowl like you're two regular dudes hanging out in a TV show eating snacks.

[38:10] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[38:11] He's, he's, no, he's a further sign of his mental deterioration is he doesn't even remember

[38:15] how to eat potato chips properly.

[38:18] I'm sorry, I mean, they, they should have gone another step ahead of him just pour them

[38:21] in a glass and have him try to drink the potato chips out and not be able to do it, you

[38:25] know?

[38:25] Starts trying to eat them rectally.

[38:26] He doesn't remember how potato chips work.

[38:28] Sticking them in his ears, in his nose, throwing them out the window.

[38:31] Is that my mouth?

[38:32] I don't understand anymore.

[38:33] Am I the house?

[38:34] Anyway, this is for the sequel, Andy the Talking Hedgehog Returns, where Dean Cain has forgotten

[38:40] the events of the first movie and thinks he's crazy again.

[38:42] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[38:42] So Dean Cain is also watching cartoons on his phone.

[38:46] He describes the cartoons as...

Elliott Kalan

[38:48] That's the other thing.

[38:48] Another cost-cutting measure is like, look, if he watches them on the TV, we might have

[38:52] to see the screen.

[38:53] Have him watch them on his phone.

Stuart Wellington

[38:54] Watch them on his phone just to piss off Christopher Nolan.

[38:57] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[38:59] Well, he's watching the animated version of Dunkirk on that phone.

[39:01] Yeah.

[39:02] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[39:02] Yeah.

[39:02] Which he describes as duck, pig, two guys who go boom to each other.

[39:06] That's Dunkirk.

Dan McCoy

[39:07] Yeah.

[39:08] He says he's caught up with what happened with the duck and the pig or whatever.

[39:13] I'm like, I don't think...

[39:14] I mean, assuming that you're talking about Porky and Dappy, there haven't been a lot of new

[39:19] developments recently.

[39:21] I mean, we saw one of the most recent ones a couple of episodes back, but otherwise,

[39:26] they've just sort of been hibernating.

Elliott Kalan

[39:28] His wife, Melissa...

[39:29] Is that what you think they're doing, Dan, when they're not in cartoons?

[39:31] Is they're hibernating somewhere?

[39:33] There's like a cave on the Warner Brothers lot that Porky and Dappy Duck are just sleeping

[39:37] in right now.

Jamelle Bouie

[39:37] They're in stasis in the center of the earth.

[39:39] Everyone knows this.

Stuart Wellington

[39:43] Meanwhile, Melissa, his wife, is worried that Dean Cain's behavior, which now includes

[39:48] acting like a dog for some reason, is due to him skipping breakfast.

[39:53] Her want, as we have seen her interaction with other characters, is very breakfast focused,

[39:58] which I am all about.

[40:02] Now, the bad guys are still hiding in the house.

[40:06] I think they've been in the garage this whole time.

[40:09] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[40:10] Okay, now it's bedtime.

[40:12] Is that when she walks in on them, like collapsed on top of each other?

[40:16] Yeah, they're always on top of each other.

[40:17] And they're like, the garage door works.

[40:19] And at that point, I would be like, I don't care if you're in a relationship.

[40:23] That's great.

[40:24] But please, not in my garage without telling me.

Jamelle Bouie

[40:26] And every, what are you doing here exactly?

[40:29] What work are you accomplishing?

Elliott Kalan

[40:31] What were they there for in the first place?

[40:33] Right, right.

[40:34] Because all we've seen them do is wander around and set up a ladder.

[40:36] Like, what work is going undone on the roof that they were supposed to be doing?

Jamelle Bouie

[40:39] Yeah, are they fixing the roof, cleaning the gutters?

[40:42] Who are these guys to begin with?

Stuart Wellington

[40:44] When you bring a contractor in, you expect them to do just one thing, but then they find a bunch of other things that need to be fixed.

[40:50] True, true.

Dan McCoy

[40:51] Hedgehogs that need to be kidnapped.

[40:53] Yeah.

[40:53] Stuart, when you say it's bedtime, I just want to note that Andy in voiceover says, now our story goes to later that night.

[41:02] Thank God he told me, because the establishing shot of a dark house, I would have been so confused.

[41:08] I would have been like, did the sun get extinguished?

Elliott Kalan

[41:12] It's like in WALL-E and the computer that controls the sky of the climate bubble they're in just abruptly switched to night so that they all have to go beddy-bye now.

Stuart Wellington

[41:22] So the cheerleaders, I guess, are having a sleepover in the same house.

[41:26] They briefly talk about a car accident story that I would like to hear more about.

[41:31] And then they spend time-

Elliott Kalan

[41:32] Which seems to be based on a true story, because during the credits, they talk about the actress having hit another character's car with her car.

[41:40] So I wonder if that is them talking about a real thing.

[41:42] You watched all the credits, you fucking maniac?

Dan McCoy

[41:45] The credits are honestly the best part.

[41:48] If you missed them, it is Andy and the cat, Whiskers, talking back and forth about all of the actors and people in the movie.

[42:00] And about them as actual humans.

[42:03] As humans?

Elliott Kalan

[42:04] There's one actress and Andy just goes, she talked about Jesus a lot.

[42:09] What?

[42:10] I think that was the sister character.

[42:12] You missed the best part, Stuart.

[42:13] The best part where the director was like, as these characters, I'm going to badmouth my cast during the credits.

Dan McCoy

[42:19] Yeah.

[42:19] And apparently the one who played the dumb cheerleader rear-ended a parked car.

[42:26] And the director made fun of her in the credits for it.

Elliott Kalan

[42:31] There's so many movies.

[42:32] It's just like in Midnight Cowboy when he said, I'm walking here.

[42:36] There's so many movies where the best part, the most iconic part, was just an accident caught on film.

[42:41] And I guess in this one, he saw that she rear-ended this parked car and he was like, that's in the movie now.

[42:47] There's no way that's not in the movie.

[42:48] And he had to buy her story, I assume, which contributed to the budget, which is why Dick Kane can only take the tiniest little nibs on those potato chips.

Stuart Wellington

[42:56] So after sprinkling some crumbs about this car accident, the teens talk about their teacher romance subplot that they're very invested in.

[43:04] And then Whiskers is like, romance?

[43:06] I'll tell you about romance.

[43:07] And then we get a flashback where we get to see Whiskers traveling throughout time.

[43:11] He devolves into Andy Serkis at one point.

[43:15] That was crazy.

[43:17] And then Andy interrupts and then on his way to the bathroom.

[43:21] Andy Serkis or Andy the Hedgehog?

[43:22] Andy the Hedgehog.

[43:23] Although I...

Elliott Kalan

[43:25] Yeah, how crazy would it have been if it turned out that Andy Serkis was doing the mocap for Andy the Hedgehog this whole time?

Stuart Wellington

[43:29] It would have made a lot of sense, especially that sausage eating scene.

[43:32] The Andy interrupts...

[43:33] Is that something...

[43:33] Wait, is that a trademark Andy Serkis thing?

Elliott Kalan

[43:35] Eating sausages?

Jamelle Bouie

[43:36] Yeah, haven't you watched a single Andy Serkis movie?

[43:39] If you look carefully, he's eating a little Vienna sausage.

Elliott Kalan

[43:42] Wow.

[43:42] I've got to watch.

[43:43] I did not notice that.

Stuart Wellington

[43:44] Yeah, the next time you go to Walmart or a Fred Meyer and you pick up the Andy Serkis collection box set from the DVD bargain bin.

[43:51] Now, what's in that?

[43:53] King Kong, definitely.

Elliott Kalan

[43:55] King Kong, yeah, for sure.

[43:57] 24-hour party, people.

[43:58] Yeah.

[44:00] You've got to imagine that...

[44:01] And also, if you're looking for it, make sure to look for the DVD box set that comes in a circus tent.

[44:06] Because it's called Andy...

[44:07] They spell it Andy Serkis, C-I-R-C-U-S.

[44:10] And it says Andy Serkis.

[44:12] Andy's Flying Circus.

[44:14] Yeah.

[44:15] And it comes in a tent and it's great.

[44:18] And all the discs are in there.

[44:20] It's actually not very great packaging for DVDs to be just loose in a tent because they tend to move around and scratch during transport.

[44:26] But, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[44:27] So, a different Andy.

[44:30] That's Andy the Hedgehog, not Andy Serkis.

Elliott Kalan

[44:32] Is on his way to the bathroom.

[44:33] Oh, there's also, I should mention, in the Andy Serkis set, it says Black Panther,

[44:36] but it's just his scenes from Black Panther.

[44:37] It's a weird choice.

[44:39] Oh, yeah.

[44:39] Very strange.

[44:40] Yeah.

[44:40] It's called...

Stuart Wellington

[44:41] And Age of Ultron.

[44:42] He's in Age of Ultron 2.

Elliott Kalan

[44:44] Barely.

[44:45] But, yeah.

[44:45] They include it as its own disc.

[44:46] Which, again.

[44:47] They're just trying to...

[44:47] They're just trying to inflate the disc count at that point.

[44:50] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[44:51] So, Andy the Hedgehog interrupts and he heads to the bathroom, which, of course, is a one-way ticket to Fairyland.

[45:01] Where he has...

Elliott Kalan

[45:03] It is funny how, at a certain point, they just make it clear that every bathroom door is now an entry to Fairyland, even if you need to use the bathroom.

[45:10] But, so he goes in there.

Stuart Wellington

[45:12] Terry, Terry, Tara Reid convinces him to help her convince Lily to end this nonsense.

[45:18] And I'm like, yes, please.

[45:19] The movie should be done.

[45:21] Okay.

[45:22] Next day, Dean Cain wakes up.

[45:24] He's like, what a crazy dream I had.

[45:26] Uh-oh.

[45:27] Not a dream.

[45:28] He...

[45:29] The animals are still talking.

[45:30] The plants are still talking.

[45:31] So, he devolves again into a chip-eating cartoon fiend.

[45:35] Mm-hmm.

[45:36] Meanwhile, Melissa is just sipping her coffee, just trying to hold it all together, you know?

Dan McCoy

[45:40] Yeah.

[45:41] I think that the, yeah, the background story of this is, while Dean Cain is, you know, sort of dissolving in the most big way possible, she is just barely holding it together.

Elliott Kalan

[45:52] I mean, it's really a portrait of somebody locked in a marriage with a man who is losing his mind and is no longer reliable.

[45:58] And she's just, yeah, she's just trying to keep things going.

[46:01] In a marriage, often, one person kind of gets licensed to lose it a little bit, and the other one has to step up, and then you switch roles.

[46:08] So, you have to assume in the sequel, Freddo the Talking Camel, that she's going to be the one who goes nuts, and Dean Cain is going to be the one who's like, hey, we got kids to take to school.

[46:18] Let's do this, you know?

Dan McCoy

[46:19] I just want to say that for listeners, it was a delight to see Jemelle's face react to Elliot say, Freddo.

[46:25] Oh.

Stuart Wellington

[46:29] Let's see.

[46:30] Lily goes to the bathroom.

[46:32] She really has to go, uh-oh, back to Fairyland.

[46:34] So, she has another, there's another attempt to have Lily change her wish.

[46:39] No dice yet.

Dan McCoy

[46:41] I really don't understand why she's so resistant to changing her wish, considering that it is obvious that her dad is having a breakdown as the basis of it.

Stuart Wellington

[46:53] I mean, I don't have any small children, so I don't know if they're stubborn or difficult to deal with.

[46:58] Guys?

Elliott Kalan

[46:59] Nope.

[46:59] Always.

[47:00] I don't know about your experience, Jemelle, but my children are always like, yeah, whatever you say, dad, that's what I want to do.

[47:06] Let's do it.

[47:07] Oh, yeah.

[47:07] Wash my hands before dinner?

[47:08] Yes.

Jamelle Bouie

[47:09] Definitely.

[47:10] Kids love to be obedient.

[47:11] They love to do what their parents say.

[47:16] That's just how it goes.

Elliott Kalan

[47:17] Oh, okay.

[47:17] Bedtime?

[47:18] Bedtime?

Elliott Kalan

[47:18] Bedtime?

[47:18] I'm way ahead of you.

[47:19] I'm already in the bed.

[47:20] Gotcha.

[47:20] Here I am.

[47:21] Brushed my teeth five times today.

[47:23] Okay, let's see.

[47:24] Brushed my teeth.

[47:25] I love it.

[47:26] Hey, can I do my homework now?

[47:29] Yeah, that kind of, they love to do it.

[47:30] At this point, both of my sons are, anytime anything is mentioned, they go, no.

[47:35] Even if it's something they like and want to do, we're like, let's go get the ice cream,

[47:39] and they're like, eh, let's stay home.

[47:40] But if we were like, let's stay home, they'd say, let's go get ice cream.

[47:43] They're just a couple of real contrar, just counterintuitive.

Jamelle Bouie

[47:46] A couple of bizarros, I guess.

[47:48] Just a couple of contraditries.

[47:48] A couple of little Christopher Hitchens you have.

[47:51] Oh, I hope not.

Stuart Wellington

[47:53] Oh, no, that would be terrible.

[47:55] So Lily takes Andy to school.

[47:58] Andy charms everybody at school, even the bullies a little bit.

[48:02] But this is weird because later on, the plot is to bring Andy the Talking Hedgehog to the science show

[48:09] as some kind of science thing.

[48:13] And if she's already brought the hedgehog, people will be over it by then.

Dan McCoy

[48:19] I tripped up on this as well because everyone was like, what?

[48:21] A Talking Hedgehog?

[48:22] I mean, I guess that it was a great school versus the high school where the cheerleaders were, maybe?

Elliott Kalan

[48:30] It's an all-in-one school.

[48:31] It's a very small community, as we've seen.

[48:33] There's like 20 kids.

[48:34] Well, then I don't know what's going on.

[48:35] There's two teachers.

[48:37] My issue was that, yeah, at a science fair, usually you've got to prove something.

[48:40] You're like, I built a thing.

[48:42] Or I'm going to show that this does, I have an experiment.

[48:45] This is literally just like, we found a hedgehog that talks.

[48:48] And I'd be like, D minus.

[48:50] You didn't have anything to do with this.

[48:52] You know.

Stuart Wellington

[48:53] Yeah, this doesn't, what's your, whatever.

[48:56] What's your hypothesis?

Elliott Kalan

[48:57] My hypothesis is that sometimes hedgehogs can talk, bitch.

[49:00] Well, now you're definitely getting an F.

[49:02] That's unacceptable.

Jamelle Bouie

[49:03] Stop dabbing.

[49:04] You're getting an F.

[49:06] Also, also, Freddie goes to this high school.

[49:09] Very, very interesting.

Elliott Kalan

[49:13] Well, here's my experiment.

[49:15] I wanted to see if you put sugar in water, if it made plants grow better.

[49:19] And I guess it kind of does.

[49:20] He's trying to learn more about teens.

Dan McCoy

[49:23] I hung around so often killing teens that it reminded me.

[49:26] I never got my high school diploma.

[49:28] Yeah, I never chased my own dreams.

Elliott Kalan

[49:29] I had to go back to school.

[49:31] And now the teens I'm used to killing are killing me socially.

[49:34] They just won't let me be part of the group.

[49:35] Oh, man, it's so hard being me again.

[49:37] And it was already hard being me because I'm a criminal deviant who is horribly scarred

[49:42] in a fire.

[49:43] And I'm some kind of dream demon.

[49:45] He needs a dream ghost.

Stuart Wellington

[49:47] I mean, he should just change up his wardrobe.

[49:48] I mean, it's pretty simple.

Elliott Kalan

[49:50] That's why it's called Nightmare on Elm Street Ultimate Nightmare.

[49:52] Because now it's time for Freddie's ultimate nightmare.

[49:54] High school.

Stuart Wellington

[49:55] Yeah.

[49:56] Oh, man.

[49:56] He's allergic to homework.

[49:58] So after school, we have this very charming scene where-

Elliott Kalan

[50:02] Wait, I just want to do Freddie doing the end of the trailer.

[50:06] So you see the title, and then at the end of the trailer, it's him being the Pledge of Allegiance.

[50:08] He goes, I pledge allegiance, bitch, to the flag, bitch.

[50:12] You know what I mean?

Stuart Wellington

[50:14] So we have this-

Elliott Kalan

[50:16] Dan, you're going to make this movie.

[50:17] This is your ticket to features.

[50:19] Come on.

Stuart Wellington

[50:20] We have a scene in the kitchen, of course, where the mother is preparing dinner.

[50:25] And Andy asks Melissa, like, what are you cooking?

[50:28] And she says, sushi?

[50:30] And that was the last thing I was expecting her to say.

[50:35] Oh, man.

[50:35] It was great.

[50:36] Okay.

[50:37] So the next day, the teenagers bring Andy to the science show, which seems to be this kind

[50:45] of free-form thing happening in the cafeteria.

[50:47] You get your volcano, et cetera.

[50:49] Before they go up, of course, Lily is like, okay, fuck it.

[50:53] I wish she can't talk anymore.

Jamelle Bouie

[50:55] Did we miss the part where Lily brings Andy to the school and some girls are bullying her

[51:01] and Andy calls one of the girls fat?

[51:04] Oh, yeah.

[51:04] I didn't.

[51:05] I missed that part.

[51:07] Oh, man.

[51:08] That part shocked me.

[51:09] That's crazy.

[51:10] The girls are bullying Lily and Andy's like, you shouldn't say mean things about her because

[51:15] you're fat.

[51:16] And I was like, what the fuck?

[51:18] Yeah.

[51:19] Like, fuck off, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[51:21] But then later she wants to pet Andy really badly.

[51:26] Later she goes, can I pet Andy?

[51:28] And she does.

[51:28] And it was like, oh, Andy the hedgehog knows the game.

[51:31] Oh, man.

[51:32] What a shithead.

[51:32] Obviously, he's studied under mystery.

[51:34] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[51:34] Yeah.

[51:35] He's nagging her.

[51:36] He's been watching F-Boy Island.

[51:39] I've been watching if we want to talk about F-Boy Island instead of H-Boy.

[51:42] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[51:43] Now, I have so many.

[51:44] I don't want to go all the way to watching it, but I have so many questions.

[51:47] Sure.

[51:47] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[51:47] So they have to choose which ones are the F-Boys and which ones are the, what?

[51:51] I mean, they're all looking for love, you know?

Stuart Wellington

[51:53] And there's 24 contestants and a few get added.

[51:58] Spoiler.

[51:59] And half of them are nice guys and half of them are F-Boys.

[52:04] And the F-Boys are just in it for the money.

[52:07] So if they get picked at the end, they're like, ha-ha, I just got the money, sucka.

[52:11] And they have to eliminate people each week.

[52:14] And when they get eliminated, we find out if they're nice guys or F-Boys.

[52:17] Oh, man.

Elliott Kalan

[52:17] So it's what, like tattooed under their arm, whether they're an F-boy or a nice guy?

[52:21] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[52:22] They have a QR code tattooed on their leg and they have to scan it with their phone.

[52:26] Yeah, I see.

Elliott Kalan

[52:26] Now, I'm just mad.

[52:27] I refuse to watch it because it's clearly a ripoff of my pitch, Pep Boy Island, where

[52:31] the ladies have to decide who's worth keeping and who's a Pep Boy.

[52:34] And it's relatively obvious because the Pep Boys have huge heads and they only want to talk

[52:38] about auto parts.

Jamelle Bouie

[52:39] I was just saying, the Pep Boys just mechanics?

Elliott Kalan

[52:41] Yeah.

[52:43] But sometimes that can be romantic.

Jamelle Bouie

[52:45] Which one of you is the Pep Boy?

[52:47] I think it's me, ma'am.

[52:51] Are you one of the Pep Boys?

Dan McCoy

[52:52] It's just like his alpha energy.

[52:53] No, I'm the surviving car talk brother.

[52:55] Close.

Elliott Kalan

[52:56] Oh.

[52:57] Oh, man.

[52:58] That was sad.

[52:58] But now I imagine a sad scene where one of them goes to the doctor and the doctor's like,

[53:02] I'd like you to sit down.

[53:04] I called you down because the touch results came back.

[53:06] You're a Pep Boy.

[53:07] Oh, man.

[53:08] And he's like, I am.

[53:10] And he's got a huge head.

[53:10] He's in black and white.

[53:11] He's dressed like it's the 50s or whatever.

[53:13] Uh-huh.

[53:14] Yeah.

[53:15] Yeah.

[53:16] He's holding a carburetor in his hand.

Dan McCoy

[53:18] Yeah.

[53:18] He thought he was just a Pringles guy.

[53:19] This reminds me.

[53:21] I think I sent it to you.

[53:22] I drew a picture of the three of us as the Pep Boys because we map onto the visual design

[53:27] of the pretty world.

Elliott Kalan

[53:28] The personality traits of the Pep Boys.

[53:30] The Pep Boys, yeah.

[53:31] Yeah.

[53:31] Because there's the Pep Boy who's like kind of a nerdy chatterbox.

[53:35] Yeah.

[53:35] There's the Pep Boy who's always like this again.

[53:37] And there's the sexy Pep Boy.

[53:39] Some call him the F Pep Boy that all the ladies go crazy for.

[53:42] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[53:43] Yeah.

[53:44] The Pep Boy with the giant crank.

[53:45] Okay.

[53:46] So.

Elliott Kalan

[53:46] The problem is we would say the Pep House, but that's already a podcast where we talk about

[53:49] pepperoni.

[53:50] So I don't know what we're going to do.

[53:52] Where we cheer people up and get them energized with pepperoni.

[53:55] It's a double play on the word pep.

[53:57] Yeah.

[53:59] So.

Stuart Wellington

[54:00] She made the wish in the middle of the show.

[54:02] So the girls bring Andy up and they're like, we got this one in the bag.

[54:06] Andy, show your stuff.

[54:07] Of course, Andy at this point can't talk.

[54:09] So they look like assholes.

[54:11] Mm-hmm.

[54:13] Um, so yeah, I guess it's over.

[54:16] You know, movie's done, right?

[54:18] I think.

Elliott Kalan

[54:19] And frankly, I'm just going to say, wait, no, because we heard there was going to be a

[54:23] kidnapping at some point.

[54:24] I would say, yeah, they should stay on their lane.

[54:27] It's not fair to be both the cheerleaders and win the science fair.

[54:30] That feels like you're, you're reaching for too much.

[54:33] Leave some for the other people.

Dan McCoy

[54:33] You're boxing people in, you know?

[54:36] Like, why can't someone do it?

Elliott Kalan

[54:36] No, no, I'm boxing people in Las Vegas this weekend.

[54:39] Oh, wow.

[54:40] It's me.

[54:41] And, uh.

[54:41] She was a famous boxer.

[54:42] The, uh.

[54:43] Me and Manny Pacquiao are going to go 10 rings, 10 rounds guaranteed in 10 different rings.

[54:48] 10 rounds in each ring.

[54:49] So that's right.

[54:50] It's both boxing and also using MapQuest to try to find the next ring.

[54:55] And, yeah, it's called, it's a tie-in with Shang-Chi Legend of the 10 Rings.

[54:58] It's called, it's called Caelan Pacquiao Legend of the 10 Boxing Rings.

Stuart Wellington

[55:02] And all those rings, obvious.

[55:03] We're doing a hedgehog movie.

[55:05] Um, so the, uh, of course now the next day the crooks try to steal, uh, and at this point

[55:10] they're technically crooks because they're stealing something.

[55:13] They, uh.

[55:14] They've achieved crookitude.

[55:15] You're right, Stu.

[55:16] Okay.

[55:16] They kidnap Andy.

[55:17] Then they roll around in some leaves for a while.

[55:20] Um, and then, and Whiskers is egging them on.

[55:24] And they're, uh, they run into the front yard.

[55:26] And a little bit negging them on because he's very insulting to them.

[55:29] Yeah.

[55:30] And then, uh, I mean, a neg isn't strictly an insult, Elliot, but we'll, we'll get into

[55:34] that when we finish our training.

[55:35] It's something negative.

[55:36] Yeah, I guess when I take your, when I take your learning annex course.

[55:39] Yeah.

[55:39] Whiskers is about to run into traffic.

[55:42] And of course, Andy warns him of an oncoming car.

[55:45] Whiskers is not run over.

[55:46] And Whiskers realizes the, uh, that, you know, his, his life could have been snuffed out

[55:51] in an instant.

[55:52] Um, that despite all of his fixation on death, you know what?

[55:56] It, maybe it's time that he give Andy a shot.

[56:00] Yeah.

[56:00] That like, it's time for Whiskers to finally live.

Dan McCoy

[56:03] And I'm not going to say that like, look, it's a wonderful thing, obviously to save Whiskers

[56:08] from being run over.

[56:09] Uh-huh.

[56:10] But it's also kind of a low bar for friendship.

[56:12] Like, oh, you didn't let me run out into traffic?

[56:15] Like, I guess we're best pals now.

Elliott Kalan

[56:17] And now to present the con side of the debate that it would have been good to let Whiskers

[56:21] get hit by the car is Jamel.

[56:23] Jamel, make your case.

[56:24] Why should Andy have let Whiskers get hit by that car?

Jamelle Bouie

[56:27] I mean, that cat kind of sucked.

[56:28] Let's be real.

[56:29] He plotted to get Andy kidnapped.

[56:33] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[56:34] And he also seems, as you said, obsessed with death himself.

Jamelle Bouie

[56:37] Yes, I mean, we sort of, part of the flashback, right, is that his partner's mate, I don't

[56:42] know, gets hit by a truck.

[56:44] And he calls this, what, getting flattened.

[56:46] And this becomes like a refrain from him.

[56:49] Yeah.

[56:50] Everyone eventually gets flattened.

[56:53] The flattening is inevitable.

[56:56] And there's not really any point to this.

[56:58] He just sort of like says it as a declarative statement.

[57:02] And it shows a real fixation with mortality from Whiskers the cat.

Elliott Kalan

[57:07] What I liked about it also is it shows a not going back and rewriting the screenplay for

[57:11] a second draft because it's only after he tells the story that he becomes death obsessed.

[57:16] And it's like they were like, yeah, yeah, okay, he's all about, he's a nihilist.

[57:19] He's all about death.

[57:19] Until then, he's just a jerk.

[57:21] And they could have easily gone back and just put it in earlier, but they didn't.

[57:25] They didn't bother.

[57:26] I'm guessing they had, they booked Dean Cain.

[57:29] There was a mix up.

[57:30] They thought they had a week to write the script.

[57:32] He showed up the next day on their doorstep.

[57:33] So they had an hour to write the script.

[57:35] And they just had to jam it out on Microsoft Word and hand it to him and then immediately

[57:39] start shooting.

[57:40] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[57:40] Well, he showed up and he started tearing into the chips right away.

[57:43] And they're like, fuck, we only have so many chips here.

Jamelle Bouie

[57:47] We put all of our money into the ladder budget.

[57:50] Dean, the chips aren't part of the script.

[57:52] They're not in the movie.

[57:53] What are you doing?

Elliott Kalan

[57:54] They are now.

[57:57] So.

[57:58] There was a, I worked on a, sorry, I worked on a TV show called The Who Was Show with

[58:02] Andy Daly and there were always scenes that were in the Who Was craft services room and

[58:05] there was a big pile of huge chocolate chip cookies and every day it would kill me that

[58:10] I could not have, it was like, I just wanted to reach out and take one so badly, but I

[58:14] couldn't because they were prop cookies and I never knew where they went to at the end

[58:17] of the day, but it wasn't to me.

[58:18] Sad, really.

[58:19] I guess what I'm saying is that's what my memoir is about.

[58:21] Are those prop cookies made out of like wax or something?

[58:24] No, they were real cookies.

[58:26] They weren't like, they were just real cookies that I assume got replaced.

[58:29] Maybe they're the same cookies every day, in which case I'm less interested in eating

[58:31] them because they would be stale.

[58:33] But that's the show.

[58:35] I should have just taken one.

Stuart Wellington

[58:36] That's the thing about a crush though.

[58:37] You know, like the, the cookies you eat every day, you know, even though they're there for

[58:41] you and they might be delicious, they don't, they don't like hold that place in your

[58:45] brain as the cookie that you never got, that you saw once and never got to have.

Elliott Kalan

[58:49] That's the, well, it's like the, it's the fantasy about it and there's never reality

[58:52] to fixate, to stop, to, to fix that fantasy as something other than perfect.

[58:56] It's just like the story in, in Citizen Cookie, the famous Orson Welles movie where, uh, where

[59:01] Bernstein, his friend says, I remember I was, I was getting on the ferry to New Jersey and

[59:06] I saw a cookie on a, on a, on a table.

[59:07] Wearing a white dress.

[59:08] Wearing a white dress.

[59:10] I only saw the cookie for a moment.

[59:11] The cookie didn't see me at all.

[59:12] But you know, I bet a month hasn't gone by that I haven't thought about that cookie.

[59:16] It's a beautiful moment.

[59:18] Yeah.

[59:18] True.

Stuart Wellington

[59:19] So the, uh, the crooks are running across the lawn with the hedgehog.

[59:23] Dean Cain sees them.

[59:25] He remembers that he was at one point a football player.

[59:29] He throws his bag of chips in the air triumphantly.

[59:32] He goes and tackles, uh, Mr. Roller.

[59:36] Uh, the hedgehog hits the ground safely.

[59:39] Don't worry.

[59:40] He doesn't get smushed or hurt or anything.

[59:42] Uh, Lily picks up Andy, the hedgehog whiskers is happy.

[59:46] The cheerleaders are cheering in the background.

[59:48] There is crowd going wild noises.

[59:51] Melissa is able to leave the house, but only when she's wearing a cheerleader uniform.

[59:56] Uh, Dean Cain like looks at the camera for a while.

[59:59] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:00] Do you think that's part of her mystical sentencing that she can only leave the house with a cheerleader?

[1:00:05] Or is that part of their, that's part of their relationship?

[1:00:07] Like, it's a, it's kind of a, like, I choose what you wear and you're going to wear a cheerleader outfit.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:13] Well, I mean, like, the movie does make, yeah, like, a brief joke that perhaps this is all just a, like, a projection of Dean Cain's, like, shattered mind.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:23] I mean, it is, it is possible that there's an ending that we missed where Dean Cain is dreaming this on his deathbed as an old man.

[1:00:29] And it's just like, his, his memories have become so fractured that he can't keep it straight anymore.

[1:00:34] I don't know.

[1:00:35] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:35] I mean, they do call him a super dad at one point and then stare at the camera, making sure that we got the reference to Lois and Clark.

[1:00:43] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:45] You know what?

[1:00:45] It makes me feel old that there was a time when those were the new adventures of Superman.

[1:00:49] Yeah.

[1:00:50] So, I think that was the movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:52] I think there's, like, some bullshit at the end.

[1:00:53] I remember when there was some new adventures of old Christine, too.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:56] Yeah, well, that made me feel really old.

[1:00:58] I was like, even old Christine's having new adventures?

[1:01:00] Yeah.

[1:01:00] And now those are the old adventures of not as old as older Christine.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:05] Were, were those new adventures still being a car and running over people?

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:11] I think a lot of them were.

[1:01:12] I think Christine, Christine being a haunted car can only do so much.

[1:01:16] Like, there was the one episode, there was the one episode where, where she tried to become a TikTok star.

[1:01:23] But other than that, like, again, it was just TikTok videos of her running over people, too.

[1:01:27] But, yeah.

[1:01:27] Very popular, though.

Jamelle Bouie

[1:01:28] There goes Christine again, running over innocent bystanders.

[1:01:32] Laugh track, cue credits next episode.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:36] Well, Christine, you're not going to run over anybody anymore.

[1:01:40] Crush.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:41] Here we go again.

[1:01:43] Yeah.

[1:01:43] Oh, man.

[1:01:44] Okay.

[1:01:45] So that was a movie, guys.

[1:01:45] A very special episode with Christine.

[1:01:47] Yeah, yeah.

[1:01:48] Christine, you're drunk this time.

[1:01:51] Christine, you're addicted to pills.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:53] There was the nude adventures of old Christine.

[1:01:55] But again, it's a car.

[1:01:56] It doesn't wear clothes anyway.

[1:01:58] It's already naked.

[1:01:59] Well, it doesn't have any undercoating on.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:01] So that's just Christine rusting is what happens in the nude adventures.

[1:02:04] Oh, man, that's terrible.

[1:02:07] So, yeah.

[1:02:08] That's the movie other than the bloops that Stuart missed.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:12] Yeah, which apparently I got to go back and watch, huh?

[1:02:14] Yeah.

[1:02:15] Run, don't walk home.

[1:02:16] You got to go back.

Jamelle Bouie

[1:02:16] Yeah, I guess the movie ended and I was like, okay, thank God.

[1:02:19] And then the credits started and I was like, I guess I do have to watch these because they

[1:02:24] are just that weird voiceover and the director talking shit about everyone.

[1:02:30] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:31] It was like as if he knew everyone will have walked out of the one theater where they show

[1:02:35] this one time by this point.

[1:02:37] For what?

[1:02:38] For qualifying for an Oscar?

[1:02:41] Yeah.

[1:02:42] I mean, I didn't see it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:43] Yeah, that one time was at the Cannes Film Festival.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:46] It played at Sperry's Movie House, according to Wikipedia, in Port Huron, Michigan, in 2018.

[1:02:52] Okay, so it was eligible.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:53] Was this before or after the director did a couple episodes of, what was that show?

Dan McCoy

[1:02:58] Yeah, I sensed this to you guys.

[1:02:59] Spunky Realtors or something?

[1:03:01] There was, I was looking up what this director had done otherwise and he did two episodes

[1:03:08] of a show called Spunky Airlines.

[1:03:13] Now, theoretically, there are 13 episodes, but there are only two listed on IMDb.

[1:03:19] And I don't know, I think this is probably not an actual TV show, but something that was,

[1:03:25] I don't know, streaming somewhere small.

[1:03:30] But it has a very wacky, there's like a cartoon plane that has Spunky on it in big cartoon

[1:03:39] letters.

[1:03:40] And then like a very put upon looking man with, I guess there are a bunch of flight attendants

[1:03:45] around him.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:46] And now what, Dan, pitch to me what you think that, what do you think that is?

[1:03:50] What is Spunky Airlines?

[1:03:51] I don't understand.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:53] Well, I hope it has nothing to do with jizz.

[1:03:56] I think it's, I think Spunky Airlines is about.

Jamelle Bouie

[1:04:00] I, you know, I, I, I had assumed that it wasn't cum related, but who knows?

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:06] Yeah, there's only one way to find out, I guess.

[1:04:09] I mean, but Dan, okay.

[1:04:10] If it is.

[1:04:11] Pitch me the two versions of the movie then.

[1:04:13] Pitch me the one that's, that's jizz related and pitch, pitch me the one that's not jizz

Dan McCoy

[1:04:17] related.

[1:04:17] I just want to say, to make reference to another Max Fun show, Jordan, Jesse, go.

[1:04:23] Spunk is a cum word.

[1:04:25] Oh, yeah, okay.

[1:04:27] But, um.

[1:04:28] Yeah, yeah, they would.

[1:04:29] No, I.

[1:04:29] They'll say anything on that show.

[1:04:31] I think, I mean, the, the, the jizz related one would be, this is, you know, they have

[1:04:37] to, this is an airline that specializes in, uh, sperm donor, like, uh, you know, transport,

[1:04:44] transport for the, uh, transporned, uh, for the, uh, for the items in question.

[1:04:52] We got it.

[1:04:52] We got it, Dan.

[1:04:52] Yeah.

[1:04:53] You're a regular Robert Pitch and Dorothy Parker.

[1:04:55] No, I was, I, I did not, I didn't want to say that.

[1:04:57] I said it accidentally and I had to call myself out for it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:00] And you had to repeat it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:02] You, you, you had, uh, you were describing the poster for, uh, what, Spunky Airlines.

[1:05:08] Uh, but I also want to say, if you're interested at all, check out the poster for this movie.

[1:05:13] It is fantastically Photoshopped.

[1:05:15] It's great.

[1:05:16] There's a horse on it and there's no horse in this movie at all.

Jamelle Bouie

[1:05:19] Yeah.

[1:05:19] Yes.

[1:05:20] It'd be, it's, it's, uh, it's Andy's riding the horse or appears to have ridden the horse

[1:05:25] or something like that.

[1:05:26] Yeah.

[1:05:26] But there's no horse in this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:27] There's no horse in this movie.

[1:05:29] So theoretically I can get my money back.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:32] Okay.

[1:05:32] I don't, the one on, I mean, you watched it on Tubi.

[1:05:35] So it's not a horse.

[1:05:36] It is, uh, Andy is on top of a, a stump bearing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:42] And they seem to Photoshop to smile on him.

[1:05:44] Cause he looks like, yeah.

[1:05:46] And it's not DK and Tara Reader in the sky.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:49] Like they're like, they've died and gone on to Palhalla.

[1:05:52] Yeah.

[1:05:53] They crossed the rainbow bridge.

[1:05:54] Let's see.

[1:05:56] Andy, the talking.

[1:05:59] Yeah.

[1:05:59] It's great.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:00] Yeah.

[1:06:00] Oh yeah.

[1:06:00] There it is.

[1:06:01] Yeah.

[1:06:01] He's riding a horse.

[1:06:02] That's, and it says a magical good time.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:04] I do like that my 2B algorithm is based entirely around just this and deadly lessons.

[1:06:09] The Tale of Simon Conjurer or whatever.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:13] Yeah.

[1:06:13] Now here's, so you'll notice that, uh, okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:16] That horse is going so fast that Andy is like, has to hold onto the mane.

[1:06:19] He's going to fall.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:20] Now in the UK, I'm seeing this movie is, is Andy the magical hedgehog.

[1:06:26] And the image, uh, Andy is surrounded by some kind of swirling magic.

[1:06:30] And it has a quote that said, I can't read who the quote is by, but it says the best hedgehog

[1:06:34] movie.

[1:06:35] Now, Jamel, if anyone is qualified to make that kind of judgment, uh, do you agree?

[1:06:40] Is this the best hedgehog movie?

Jamelle Bouie

[1:06:41] I mean, I'd say I'd have to think, uh, you know, uh, uh, uh, uh, Lawrence of the hedgehog

[1:06:47] is probably a better hedgehog movie.

[1:06:49] Sure.

[1:06:49] Yeah.

[1:06:50] The four hour epic about the hedgehog that helped the, uh, help defeat the Ottomans in

[1:06:55] the Middle East.

[1:06:56] But, uh, it's, it's all about the wipes and the transfers.

[1:07:00] Yeah.

[1:07:01] Why is it called a magic hedgehog in the UK?

[1:07:04] Do the British not understand what talking animals are?

[1:07:08] I'm not sure.

[1:07:08] Is the only context for like a talking animal has to be magical and so that they just throw

[1:07:12] the magic in?

[1:07:13] Otherwise.

[1:07:14] Here's my guess.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:14] Hedgehogs could probably already talk in England.

[1:07:17] So a movie called Andy the Talking Hedgehog, people would be like,

[1:07:19] yeah, of course he went to Oxford.

[1:07:21] We know that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:22] Or maybe there's like, there's already a popular franchise of talking hedgehogs over there.

[1:07:27] Possibly.

[1:07:28] A magical good time.

[1:07:30] Was it a magical good time, Dan?

[1:07:32] Yeah.

[1:07:33] Let's do our final.

[1:07:33] Is this the part of the episode where we talk about whether or not the poster lied to us?

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:37] I do, I do, I do want to mention, I do want to mention, uh, Lawrence the Hedgehog says that

[1:07:40] great, that great scene cut where he blows out the match and then suddenly it's a hedgehog.

[1:07:46] What a magical movie moment.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:48] Yeah.

[1:07:49] Tara Reid apparently tweeted about this movie, uh, making fun of the poster herself.

[1:07:56] Uh, so that's great.

[1:07:57] It's cool.

[1:07:57] Um, uh, yeah.

[1:07:59] Final judgments.

[1:08:00] This is a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie or a movie we kind of liked.

[1:08:05] I definitely did not like this movie.

[1:08:07] I'll, I'll put that up.

[1:08:08] Go on.

[1:08:09] Uh, I think if I had seen this with like a group of friends, maybe this would be a good,

[1:08:16] bad movie as it was like just, uh, Audrey and myself, uh, watching it this morning out

[1:08:25] of a sense of duty because for some reason we have a podcast where we talked about hedgehog

[1:08:30] movies, among other things.

[1:08:32] I didn't enjoy it even as a bad movie.

[1:08:35] I, there's something weirdly like grim about it.

[1:08:38] Like there's a sadness about this movie.

[1:08:40] I feel like it's whiskers.

[1:08:41] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:42] Like this movie, I mean, was it too much, too much whimsy too much, too much family friendly

[1:08:47] whimsy for you?

Dan McCoy

[1:08:48] This is one of these like, like kids movies that you can just feel like the cynicism of

[1:08:53] the person who made it where there's like, I don't know, kids will watch whatever crap.

[1:08:58] Let's get some washed up actors and, and it'll be fine.

[1:09:02] Whatever.

[1:09:02] We'll make a movie.

[1:09:03] Like, it just like, there's a, an unpleasantness that I felt bled through to the

[1:09:08] screen.

[1:09:08] Uh, but what do you guys think?

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:11] I don't know.

[1:09:12] I, I actually, I had a fun time watching this dumb movie.

[1:09:16] I think it, I think this is a solid good, bad movie.

[1:09:19] I feel like it would be fun to watch with a group.

[1:09:21] It's very stupid.

[1:09:23] It doesn't other than the, like there's too much, there's way too much fat shaming, but

[1:09:28] other than that, it's like fairly innocuous.

[1:09:30] Yeah.

[1:09:31] Uh, except for like, you have to see Dean Cain's stupid face all the time.

[1:09:34] But, um, yeah, I mean, it's a, it's, it's dumb.

[1:09:37] It's like a talking cat.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:38] Uh, yeah, I would, I'm also going to have to put this in the good, bad.

[1:09:41] It would be fun to watch with a group category.

[1:09:43] I think one of the things that makes that way for me is there are kids in it, but the kids

[1:09:48] are not terrible.

[1:09:50] The kids are fine.

[1:09:51] And so like, I never felt like I was laughing at them, which would make me feel bad.

[1:09:55] But it is, there's something about this movie where at every, at every, it, it wants to

[1:10:00] tell the simplest story.

[1:10:02] A girl makes a wish.

[1:10:03] It's a tale as old as time.

[1:10:04] A girl makes a wish.

[1:10:05] A hedgehog talks.

[1:10:07] Bad guys want to steal the hedgehog.

[1:10:08] And yet it somehow fails every single scene to accomplish telling that story in new ways

[1:10:14] that I did not predict were going to happen.

[1:10:16] And so, and I found, uh, I found that very, uh, fun to watch.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:20] And they left so many plot threads for part two.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:23] Yeah, yeah.

[1:10:24] Andy, once again, is a talking hedgehog.

[1:10:26] Didn't see that coming.

[1:10:27] Did you?

[1:10:27] Part two.

[1:10:28] Andy's talking again.

[1:10:29] Do the teachers hook up?

[1:10:31] That's the question.

[1:10:32] Yeah, yeah.

[1:10:32] I mean, they, oh, they do.

[1:10:33] They clearly do.

[1:10:34] Cause we see an image of them, of snuggling together.

Jamelle Bouie

[1:10:36] In the second movie, Andy can like, you know, help them get over their hesitation about

[1:10:41] hooking up.

[1:10:42] That's the job now.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:43] Yeah.

[1:10:44] Yeah.

[1:10:44] He's, it's called Andy, the talking sex therapist hedgehog.

Jamelle Bouie

[1:10:47] And he's like, it can be like a sequel to Hitch too.

[1:10:49] So it's like Andy now voiced by Will Smith.

[1:10:52] The Hitchhog.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:53] He's a hedgehog.

[1:10:54] Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[1:10:56] What?

[1:10:57] Okay.

[1:10:57] So now you're talking my language, which is sequels to two movies at the same time.

[1:11:01] Right.

[1:11:01] So, so Hitch has either switched bodies with Andy or has been transformed into a hedgehog

[1:11:06] himself.

[1:11:07] And now the two of them have to help each other.

[1:11:09] Hitch is going to help Andy, uh, get these teachers together.

[1:11:12] And Andy's going to help Hitch live the life of a hedgehog.

[1:11:15] It's called, as we already said, Hitch, Hitchhog, eight slash Andy, the talking hedgehog

[1:11:21] too.

[1:11:22] Um, yeah, that's the movie.

[1:11:23] So, uh, Jamel, that's a movie you kind of liked.

[1:11:26] Uh, yeah.

[1:11:26] Yeah.

Jamelle Bouie

[1:11:28] Uh, I, I have to agree that this is, um, uh, good, bad with the group, bad, bad by yourself.

[1:11:35] Watching it by myself at 10 o'clock at night.

[1:11:38] Uh, a little, you took stock.

[1:11:41] Oh, man.

[1:11:42] A little high.

[1:11:43] It was not that great.

[1:11:44] But I can imagine watching it with some friends and marveling.

[1:11:49] And we, we didn't really talk about this so much too much, but marveling at how, like,

[1:11:53] it doesn't even look like it was shot on an iPhone.

[1:11:55] It like, it looks bad in a way that's inexplicable to me, given that it would have been shot about

[1:12:00] 2018.

[1:12:01] And I feel like your average consumer grade, uh, camera would be able to capture, uh,

[1:12:08] some decent footage.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:10] There were some parts where, like, the shutter speed went way down.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:15] And like, you know.

[1:12:16] For all the action and the stunts.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:19] I mean.

[1:12:19] Yeah.

[1:12:20] There were a number of scenes where I had to, I was checking my internet connection.

[1:12:23] Yes.

[1:12:23] Because suddenly it would be slow motion in between, like, it would cut in a, in a conversation.

[1:12:28] You'd cut back and forth between shots that were in slow motion and shots that were not.

[1:12:32] And I was like, is this, am I having, like, early onset Alzheimer's?

[1:12:35] Is there a problem with my Wi-Fi?

[1:12:37] What's happening?

Dan McCoy

[1:12:37] That's why I was pretty sure it wasn't my Wi-Fi.

[1:12:40] Because it would happen, like, within the same.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:42] Oh, I think you mean to say, my Wi-Fi.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:44] My Wi-Fi.

[1:12:45] No.

[1:12:45] Within the same scene, yeah.

[1:12:47] Like, but different shots would be shot in different ways.

[1:12:50] And I confirmed other people complaining on Letterboxd.

[1:12:53] Being like, why is this, like, weird, like, David Lynch effect on some of these shots?

Jamelle Bouie

[1:13:00] But that's, you know, you can watch with French.

[1:13:02] You can talk about that stuff.

[1:13:03] You can talk about the weird cheerleader wanting to fuck Dean Cain moment.

[1:13:08] Otherwise, you know, don't watch this by yourself.

[1:13:11] It'll make you feel bad.

[1:13:12] Uh-huh.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:13] Yeah.

[1:13:13] You will start to wonder what is going on in my life.

[1:13:16] And it is, it is, even though you watch it on Tubi, so it costs you nothing, it does cost you time.

[1:13:21] Yeah.

[1:13:21] You will never receive again.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:22] Like, if you have, like, if you find yourself with a free afternoon and you go by your local art house cinema and you see that they're playing Andy the Talking Hedgehog and you're like, you know what?

[1:13:31] I need a little bit of me time.

[1:13:33] I'm going to treat myself.

[1:13:34] You go in, you buy yourself a pack of cookies, maybe a bottle of water, something to, you know, support the local cinema.

[1:13:41] And you go in there and you sit down, then you watch the whole movie.

[1:13:43] Like, you're going to feel like you wasted your time.

[1:13:46] Yeah.

[1:13:47] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:49] Well.

[1:13:49] And the cinema's going to, at the end, the movie theater's going to be like, we insist you take your money back.

[1:13:54] We hadn't watched the movie yet.

[1:13:55] We just watched it with you.

[1:13:56] You got to take it back.

[1:13:58] Oh, can I get a refund for the cookies and the water?

[1:14:00] That, okay, now we're in a gray area because you still got those and those were of fine quality.

[1:14:05] And you ate them, right?

[1:14:06] Well, I didn't eat, I didn't finish the bottle of water.

[1:14:08] No one ever does.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:09] Well, I'm not going to give you a little.

[1:14:11] No one ever finishes a bottle of water.

[1:14:12] That's the most insane thing that you've ever said, Elliot.

[1:14:15] The weirder thing is.

[1:14:16] The weirder thing is.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:17] I'm the theater owner who's trying not to pay, not to refund them for a bottle of water.

[1:14:20] I see.

[1:14:20] Okay, I'll say anything.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:22] I feel like if you're a movie theater screening this movie, you're going to sell a shitload of potato chips, right?

[1:14:27] The way Dean Cain was nibbling on those things.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:30] You see Dean Cain eating them and you're just like, oh, I wish I had those.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:33] Like the hedgehog was taking bigger bites of sausage than he was of those chips.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:38] I guess this movie proves that Dean Cain has a tiny mouth and that they use camera tricks to make it look like a normal human-sized mouth.

[1:14:45] Yeah.

Jamelle Bouie

[1:14:49] I'm Jesse Thorne.

[1:14:50] This week on Bullseye, David Byrne on the talking heads, easing back into live performance, and the magic of doo-wop.

[1:14:57] You don't get it very much, people doing dibbity-dip-dip, whoa-whoa, mama-na-ma-na-ma-na-ma.

[1:15:02] You don't get a lot of that.

[1:15:04] Listen to Bullseye from MaximumFun.org and NPR.

S5

[1:15:12] Hey, podcast fan.

[1:15:13] We'd like to get a better idea of who you are and what you care about.

[1:15:16] So we have a quick favor to ask.

[1:15:18] If you have a few minutes to spare, please go to MaximumFun.org slash ad survey.

[1:15:22] There, we've got a short anonymous survey that will take about five minutes to fill out.

[1:15:27] Plus, if you finish it, you'll get a 10% discount on merch at the MaxFun store.

[1:15:31] MaxFun shows have always relied on support from our members and always will.

[1:15:34] This survey will help keep the few ads we do run interesting and relevant to you.

[1:15:39] That's MaximumFun.org slash ad survey.

[1:15:42] A-D-S-U-R-V-E-Y.

[1:15:45] All one word.

[1:15:46] And thanks for your help.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:50] The Flophouse is sponsored in part by Squarespace.

[1:15:54] You can use Squarespace to turn your cool idea into a new website, blog, or publish content,

[1:16:01] sell products and services of all kinds, and much, much more.

[1:16:05] Squarespace does this by giving you beautiful, customizable templates created by world-class designers.

[1:16:10] Everything optimized for mobile right out of the box.

[1:16:13] A new way to buy domains and choose from over 200 extensions.

[1:16:18] Free and secure hosting.

[1:16:20] So why don't you head to squarespace.com slash flop for a free trial.

[1:16:26] And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code flop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:35] Hey, Dan, I had an idea for a website and I was wondering if Squarespace would be able to help me with it.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:40] Sure.

[1:16:40] I'd love to hear about it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:43] Now, this is a common problem.

[1:16:44] We saw it in the movie.

[1:16:45] We've all experienced it.

[1:16:46] Where you have to go to the bathroom, either to number one or number two.

[1:16:50] That is a common problem.

[1:16:51] Respectively.

[1:16:52] Never number three.

[1:16:53] Number three.

[1:16:54] Very rare.

[1:16:55] Please see your doctor if number three rears its ugly head.

[1:16:59] You walk into the bathroom and suddenly you're in a magical field where Tara Reid is asking you for a wish.

[1:17:05] To make a wish.

[1:17:06] Yeah.

[1:17:06] And you just need to use the bathroom and suddenly your John has been transformed into a portal to a magical fairyland.

[1:17:13] It's a problem we've all had to deal with and ordinary plumbers just are not up to the task of figuring out how to stop these portals.

[1:17:20] So that's why HelpMyBathroomIsAMagicFairylandPortal.com is your place to find the specialists you need to fix your bathroom turning into a magical fairyland portal problems.

[1:17:31] Our experts – and I shouldn't say our experts because we are just a site that connects you.

[1:17:36] We're a middleman.

[1:17:37] We connect you, the consumer, who needs a bathroom.

[1:17:40] And you need it fast because you are about to go in your pants while this magical fairy is asking you for a wish.

[1:17:45] And you can't just say, I wish my bathroom was back.

[1:17:47] They won't do that.

[1:17:48] I've tried.

[1:17:49] We connect you with the professionals and the specialists who know not only how bathrooms work but also how magical fairylands work and how to replace one with the other.

[1:18:00] Anyway, so HelpMyBathroomIsAMagicalFairyland.com is your place to find this information.

[1:18:06] It's kind of a networking site.

[1:18:07] We also have tutorials about how to do some repairs on your own if you say want to install a toilet in the magical fairyland.

[1:18:13] Again, you're just going to be using a toilet while sitting in an open magical fairyland and the fairy will continue to ask you for wishes.

[1:18:18] While you're using the toilet.

[1:18:19] If you're okay with that, that's fine.

[1:18:21] That's a personal preference.

[1:18:22] I personally have trouble going to the bathroom when a magical fairy is asking me if I have any wishes at the same time.

[1:18:28] Even if I'm in a stall and the magical being is standing outside of the stall and is just yelling at me, any wishes?

[1:18:33] Do you have a wish yet?

[1:18:35] It's both hard for me to perform my waste duties and also hard for me to come up with a wish.

[1:18:40] It's just – it's double stress and I don't need it.

[1:18:42] So I'm not the one to help you but the tutorial is there if you want to try to do it on your own.

[1:18:46] Anyway, help.

[1:18:47] My bathroom has become a magical fairyland portal.com or whatever I called it earlier.

[1:18:51] It would be your place to find the specialists you need to solve that problem.

[1:18:55] Do you think Squarespace would be able to help me put up a website like that?

[1:18:57] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:57] You know what?

[1:18:58] I really do and I look forward to listening back to this episode and hearing what you said rather than zoning out like I just did.

[1:19:07] Wow.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:08] Ouch.

[1:19:09] Fair.

[1:19:09] Wow.

[1:19:10] Honest moment from Dan McCoy.

[1:19:12] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:12] I guess we're not being polite and we started getting real.

[1:19:14] I didn't realize that.

[1:19:15] Okay.

[1:19:15] That's what we're getting.

[1:19:16] That's what you're getting today.

[1:19:17] Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:17] The Flat House is also brought to you by Storyblocks.

[1:19:20] Bring your stories to life without sacrificing your vision with Storyblocks.

[1:19:26] Storyblocks' unlimited all-access plan gives you unlimited downloads of the over 1 million plus assets in their library.

[1:19:33] You can try out multiple options quickly and find the perfect fit so you can create more and spend less.

[1:19:40] Stay on budget while telling the best version of your story with the most affordable subscription plans and tools on the market that scale to meet your needs.

[1:19:49] Keystock is their commitment to increase representation in stock media by hiring creators from marginalized communities to create content that is more reflective of the diverse world we live in.

[1:20:01] And if you want to see some examples of Storyblocks' content, I'm sure when you check out the upcoming Flophouse live show at the end of this month where we talk about Super Mario Brothers, tickets are still available.

[1:20:14] I'm sure there will be at least one or two segments when we use Storyblocks' footage to give us a bathroom break.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:23] Well, I hadn't confirmed this with you guys yet, actually, but I was planning on doing another intermission just so we can have a bathroom break in the middle.

[1:20:33] For me, mostly—

[1:20:34] Pound some brewskis off camera.

[1:20:35] You know, like the—I'm sure the viewer actually won't get a bathroom break because they don't want to miss the song.

[1:20:40] Oh, because they're going to be so busy loving that amazing Storyblocks.

[1:20:42] Although, you know what, you can take the laptop into the bathroom or the phone.

[1:20:46] Like, I'm not—

[1:20:46] I'm not going to tell you where you watch our show.

[1:20:48] Just put a piece of tape over the camera and you're all set.

[1:20:50] Yeah.

[1:20:50] Sure.

[1:20:51] Wait, why would you put tape over the camera?

[1:20:53] Just in case someone's hijacked.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:55] That makes sense.

[1:20:56] Yeah, yeah.

[1:20:56] In case a Russian bot is watching you pee, which is also the title of—which is also another website.

[1:21:01] www.helparussianbotiswatchingup.com.

[1:21:04] And my bathroom has been turned into a magicalfairylandportal.com.

[1:21:07] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:07] So explore their library and subscribe today at storyblocks.com slash flop.

[1:21:14] Once again, that is storyblocks.com slash flop.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:20] And as Stuart mentioned, we've got our live show coming up.

[1:21:24] That's right.

[1:21:24] We'll be in your house.

[1:21:26] On the computer screen, that is.

[1:21:28] So you don't have to worry about cleaning up or making us dinner.

[1:21:31] September 25th.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:32] Or in your phone when you're on the bus or when you're at work hiding in the closet.

[1:21:36] So nobody can see you chortling away at our hijinks.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:40] Or let's say you're constipated.

[1:21:43] Perhaps the laughs that you're watching on your phone will help—

[1:21:46] Loosen everything up.

[1:21:48] Just giggle that you need out of there.

[1:21:50] Just giggle and block it.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:51] You know, the FDA hasn't approved us for that use, but off-label maybe.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:54] No, but it could be us.

[1:21:55] Or perhaps as a Marilade.

[1:21:56] If laughter is both the best medicine and the best aphrodisiac.

[1:22:01] So perhaps you just want to have us playing on the side.

[1:22:04] Yeah.

[1:22:04] Well, let's—

[1:22:06] Flop house and chill.

[1:22:08] If you just want to flop house and chill, that's September 25th at 9 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Pacific.

[1:22:14] Again, we're going to be talking the movie Super Mario Brothers.

[1:22:16] That's the only, I think, live-action feature film based on the most popular video game character in the history of video games.

[1:22:24] We're going to have all new PowerPoint presentations at the start.

[1:22:27] Dan will make something with story blocks so that he has time to pee in the middle.

[1:22:30] At the end, we'll be answering questions live from listeners over Twitter.

[1:22:34] And guess what?

[1:22:35] Guys?

[1:22:36] What?

[1:22:37] Let's say you can't make it.

[1:22:38] Let's say you're too busy.

[1:22:39] Go on.

[1:22:39] At September 25th at 9 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Pacific.

[1:22:43] Let's say you live somewhere where that's a crazy time.

[1:22:45] It's in the middle of the night or in the middle of the morning when you're at work or lunchtime.

[1:22:50] Go on, yeah.

[1:22:50] And lunchtime you're just trying to get off a screen because you're on Zoom meeting all day.

[1:22:53] If you buy a ticket, you'll get access to the archived recording of the show for one week.

[1:22:59] That's right.

[1:22:59] You can watch it at your leisure.

[1:23:01] You can watch it multiple times to memorize everything or type up a transcript because after that week, it will be gone forever.

[1:23:07] You just won't be able to watch it again.

[1:23:08] So if you have any interest in watching it, it only costs $10, one Alexander Hamilton, to get access to it whenever you want to watch it.

[1:23:16] As many times as you want to watch it.

[1:23:18] Put it on loop for a week.

[1:23:19] I don't care.

[1:23:20] Go for it.

[1:23:20] Anyway.

[1:23:22] We'll also, if we can get our act together in time, I think we can do it.

[1:23:25] We'll have some Flophouse merchandise that will only be available during the time the show is available to watch like we did last time.

[1:23:31] And we'll be talking about that during that show.

[1:23:33] So all for only $10.

[1:23:35] I mean the merchandise you got to pay extra for.

[1:23:36] $10 for the ticket.

[1:23:38] And it's $10 per household.

[1:23:39] If you invite all your friends over, you won't know.

[1:23:45] September 25th, 9 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Pacific.

[1:23:48] I was talking about Super Mario Brothers.

[1:23:50] Why not buy tickets now?

[1:23:51] While you're thinking about it.

[1:23:52] Just go to Simple Ticks.

[1:23:54] Either Google Simple Ticks Flophouse Mario Brothers or go to flophousepodcast.com slash events with a link to where you can buy tickets.

[1:24:02] It's just that easy.

[1:24:04] And it's going to be a lot of fun.

[1:24:06] You know it is because the last shows were fun.

[1:24:07] Yes, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:08] Hey, Ali.

[1:24:08] Did you know that the directors of Super Mario Brothers also directed the video for Talking Heads Blind and TomTom Club Genius of Love?

[1:24:17] I did not know that.

[1:24:18] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:19] Is that how they got the Super Mario gig?

Dan McCoy

[1:24:21] Yeah, I don't know.

[1:24:21] I mean they got it, yeah, off of being, it looks like music video directors and also doing the Max Headroom show.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:28] Yeah, and David Byrne was originally supposed to play Super Mario.

[1:24:31] So that's another aspect of it.

[1:24:33] Yeah.

[1:24:33] But it makes sense that there's a real 80s, early 90s video look.

[1:24:36] I mean they're like King Koopa style.

[1:24:38] Like the Koopa Troopas have big David Byrne suits, right?

[1:24:40] They do wear big suits.

[1:24:42] It all makes sense.

[1:24:43] We'll be connecting even more dots like that.

[1:24:45] September 25th at 9 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Pacific Time.

[1:24:49] Super Mario Brothers.

[1:24:51] Flophousepodcast.com slash events for tickets.

[1:24:54] And thank you.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:58] Let's move on to letters from listeners.

[1:25:02] Let's get this train rolling.

[1:25:06] This one's from –

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:07] Let's get this train rolling, he said an hour into the episode.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:10] This one's from Kevin, last name withheld, who writes,

[1:25:13] While making my way through the Flophouse back catalog, I've stumbled across the origins of some Flop lore,

[1:25:19] including Elliot first referring to the Floppers as the original Peaches, episode 17, untraceable,

[1:25:25] and Stewart's Castle Freak recommendation, episode 53, Hannah Montana, the movie.

[1:25:31] But have yet to hear anyone talk about the show's theme music.

[1:25:34] Would you enlighten us?

[1:25:35] Thanks, Kevin, last name withheld.

[1:25:37] Yeah, I can't remember whether we've said this on air.

[1:25:39] I do get this question on Twitter sometimes.

[1:25:41] It is by Keith Bergun, who was, I believe, recommended to me by Brock,

[1:25:49] Elliot's friend and writing partner of the old days.

[1:25:53] Brock Mahan.

[1:25:55] And, yeah, he – you know, I was just looking for someone to write a piece of music that was ours,

[1:26:02] that we wouldn't be stealing some copyrighted material in case the podcast inexplicably grew popular at some point.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:13] You were very –

[1:26:14] Forward thinking.

[1:26:17] Yeah, forward thinking.

[1:26:18] Because it was not but eight years later, I think, that we started making money off the podcast.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:24] But, yeah, he gave one version of it that was sort of more blues inflected because he was kind of going off of the Flophouse thing.

[1:26:33] And I said, hey, could you make it more sort of like – give it some of that Simpsons theme vibe where it's like some sort of zany madcap feel.

[1:26:46] And he just changed the instrumentation and it worked.

[1:26:50] It was great.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:51] It was a real Dave Grohl interview situation right here.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:54] Yeah, well, I mean, it's not like there's a lot to the story, but that's what it is.

[1:26:59] Anyway, that's the theme.

[1:27:02] And also thank you to our producer, Alex Smith, for doing the 8-bit version of the Flophouse theme for that great video game episode and doing other soundscapes for us.

[1:27:17] But –

[1:27:18] Ooh, soundscapes.

[1:27:19] Yeah.

[1:27:19] This next one, this next letter is from Lena, last name with help.

[1:27:23] Okay.

[1:27:23] Lena Dunham.

[1:27:24] Well, it's finally happened.

[1:27:27] In what we, the audience, can only assume was a desperate attempt to boost ratings, the Flophouse has introduced an adorable child to the cast.

[1:27:35] Don't get me wrong.

[1:27:36] Sammy's great.

[1:27:37] His complete disregard for the conventions of linear storytelling and deadpan exasperation with his dad are a real breath of fresh air to the show's formula.

[1:27:44] But I worry what this move means for the future of the show.

[1:27:49] What's next now that you've started down the well-worn path of shark jumping?

[1:27:54] Will one of the peaches be recast between seasons by a younger, sexier actor?

[1:27:59] Will Dan and Stuart finally get married only to get divorced so the writers can get some more mileage out of that whole Sam and Diane thing they have going on?

[1:28:06] Will Elliot be revealed to have been a Russian spy all along and a reveal that seems cataclysmic but really changes nothing about him as a character or his relationship with his friends?

[1:28:17] Which of you will heroically sacrifice yourself for your friends only to be resurrected a few short episodes later?

[1:28:24] And a move that allows the show to keep going but cheapens the emotional impact of the death?

[1:28:29] Looking forward here to sit down the slippery slope.

[1:28:33] P.S.

[1:28:34] I cannot emphasize enough that I'm 100% joking.

[1:28:36] I would never seriously and unironically write in to complain about one of Elliot's kids.

[1:28:40] Only a monster would do that.

[1:28:42] Too late, monster.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:43] I'm not even a last name with help.

[1:28:45] Wow, Elliot, put those knives away.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:47] I got it.

[1:28:48] Look, I got to back up my son.

[1:28:49] As you know from the Space Jam episode, nothing I like less than a parent just standing by while

[1:28:55] someone else rips their kid a new one.

[1:28:56] So even this kind, heavily qualified joke dig must be met with atomic destruction.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:07] And our descent goes right into, I guess our descent starts with Small Timber where we talk about Andy the talking hedgehog, huh?

Dan McCoy

[1:29:15] Yeah, we've added an adorable animal to the cast, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:18] Yeah, yeah.

[1:29:19] Who would have an adorable, I mean, we do have, we have the house cat who's kind of a talking animal.

[1:29:22] That's true.

[1:29:24] All he says is Rural, but still.

[1:29:26] Where is the house cat, by the way, Stu?

[1:29:28] He hasn't been around in a long time.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:29] Oh, man.

[1:29:30] He's in rehab right now.

[1:29:32] Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.

[1:29:33] Oh, wow.

[1:29:33] Yeah, he got real tight with the Coors Light beer wolf.

[1:29:39] We've had some tough times.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:40] The signs were there in that interview that he did in Playboy.

[1:29:43] Yeah.

[1:29:43] People were wondering if what was going on with him, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:45] Yeah, and his appearance on Marin.

[1:29:48] Oh.

[1:29:50] His guys were Spuds McKenzie, unfortunately.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:52] Oh, boy.

[1:29:54] Yeah, that's too bad.

[1:29:56] So what should we do to wreck the show?

Jamelle Bouie

[1:29:59] Oh, boy.

[1:29:59] I like the idea of replacing someone with a new actor.

[1:30:03] And just mentioning it, you know?

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:06] Interesting.

[1:30:07] Our guest thinks that there should be a new co-host in the show.

[1:30:10] Yeah.

Jamelle Bouie

[1:30:11] I can be Dan, right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:13] Oh, okay.

Jamelle Bouie

[1:30:14] And we'll just be like, oh, yeah, Dan's always been black.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:18] It's an audio medium.

[1:30:19] You can't prove us wrong.

[1:30:21] No evidence otherwise.

[1:30:24] No paper trail.

[1:30:26] That would be such a – that would be so – I mean, shows must have done that, right?

[1:30:30] Where they just cast a new person of a different ethnicity and they're like,

[1:30:33] same person.

[1:30:34] We just never – you know, obviously the same.

[1:30:36] Never talk about it.

Jamelle Bouie

[1:30:36] Well, I mean, the closest thing I can think of to that is the Fresh Prince when they replaced

[1:30:40] the mom who was a dark-skinned actor with a light-skinned actor.

[1:30:44] And we were just like, nothing changed.

[1:30:46] There's no difference here.

[1:30:47] Yeah.

[1:30:47] Even though like the actor who plays Carlton is very dark-skinned and so it's sort of like,

[1:30:53] well, what happened there?

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:58] I love the idea that you as a young person were writing into Fresh Prince being like,

[1:31:02] let's just look at their genotypes and phenotypes.

[1:31:05] This is not – whose lineage is he expressing right now?

[1:31:09] Why?

Dan McCoy

[1:31:10] For some reason, Stan Lee wrote back and gave you a no prize?

[1:31:14] Why?

[1:31:14] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:15] Because he – well, because Jamel also offered an explanation.

[1:31:17] That's how you get – that's the secret behind the no prize.

[1:31:19] You don't just find the mistake.

[1:31:20] You offer why – you explain why it's not a mistake.

[1:31:22] Yeah.

[1:31:23] You know.

[1:31:23] Yeah.

[1:31:24] And the explanation can't be because Stan was writing seven books at the time and forgot,

[1:31:28] you know, where that Kirby drew the issue in a day.

[1:31:31] So he was just, you know, working on fumes at that point.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:35] So now do we talk about recommendations, Danny boy?

Dan McCoy

[1:31:37] Now do your recommendations.

[1:31:38] Movies that you should probably watch instead.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:41] After you're done enjoying some Andy the Togging Hedgehog and you want to watch something else.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:46] Don't turn it off when the credits start because you're going to miss all that gold.

[1:31:50] I feel like such an asshole.

[1:31:53] I would like to –

[1:31:55] I think it's – the only reason I think it's funny, Stu, is because this was maybe the shortest movie we've seen ever.

[1:32:00] I mean, except for me.

[1:32:01] That's true.

[1:32:01] It was just like, and done.

[1:32:03] Couldn't watch a minute more.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:04] I immediately threw my laptop across the room.

[1:32:08] I jumped on the treadmill, popped back – popped Hellraiser back on so I could finish my workout.

[1:32:14] Yeah.

[1:32:16] I'm like, I got to make my body as wet and glistening as the creatures on screen.

[1:32:20] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:23] Well, for my recommendation –

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:25] The thing is Frank, the skinless monster in Hellraiser.

[1:32:27] That's my body goals.

[1:32:28] Oh, okay.

[1:32:29] Wow.

[1:32:29] Really?

[1:32:30] He's all muscle.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:31] Now, you call him a monster because he's –

[1:32:33] He's just like a skinless guy, right?

[1:32:35] I mean, he should be reanimated.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:36] When I paused the movie and it listed the characters and their actors, it listed that character as Frank the monster.

[1:32:41] So I'm going to take my cue from Amazon or I guess it's probably IMDb.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:47] It's all one company.

[1:32:48] Look, every company is just the same.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:50] Yeah.

[1:32:50] World Zai Batsu Entertainment.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:52] We're getting, you know, into the fall.

[1:33:00] Uh-huh.

[1:33:01] Yeah.

[1:33:02] It's only September now but I'm – you know, I don't need it to be October to start watching some horror movies.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:10] Oh, Dan just made a spooky face.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:11] I want to recommend a new movie called The Night House starring Rebecca Hall and it's about a woman whose husband has committed suicide and under very sort of unusual circumstances, very unexpectedly, she has a lot of sort of obviously sadness but also anger at it happening.

[1:33:41] Confusion about why it happened.

[1:33:43] Mm-hmm.

[1:33:45] And, you know, her grief is strong and she is living in the house that he built for the two of them and strange things start happening and horror things start happening.

[1:33:56] And honestly, like, I think that the movie is a little stronger when it is just sort of focused on the mysterious things happening and her grief because Rebecca Hall is so good in the movie as is.

[1:34:11] The – Sarah Goldberg plays her friend and you may know her from Barry where she plays Barry's girlfriend and she's a great actor and she turns a, you know, a pretty basic concerned friend role into something that feels very real.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:28] Yeah, she's the one who's so good in the movie that she gets like endless hate mail from asshole dudes on the internet.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:36] She's just doing her job.

[1:34:37] But she's so good in there.

[1:34:39] But the – I think that the movie is not quite as strong when it starts explaining things and gets into sort of the horror – the unraveling of the logic of what's going on.

[1:34:51] But it is still a very kind of haunting horror movie that I enjoyed quite a bit.

[1:34:57] So The Night House.

[1:34:57] Yeah, I want to see that.

[1:34:58] Thank you.

[1:34:58] What do you want to recommend?

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:00] I'm going to go to my familiar place, my comfort zone.

[1:35:04] I'm going to say go over to Shudder, Fire Up Shudder, and watch a new movie that went up there.

[1:35:11] I don't know when you're listening to this, but at some point.

[1:35:13] It's a movie called Superhost.

[1:35:15] It's a little thriller that's a little nasty, and it's got some really fun performances, including one from former Flophouse guest Barbara Crampton.

[1:35:26] And it's about a couple who make YouTube video reviews of Airbnbs, and they end up staying in an Airbnb that – you know, let's – well, you can figure it out.

[1:35:41] It's like – it doesn't have any particular twists that are that surprising, but the performances are all really fun, and I thought it was – I thought it was good, and it was gory, and it was cool.

[1:35:51] Superhost.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:54] I'll go next.

[1:35:55] How about that?

[1:35:55] Yeah.

[1:35:56] I have not – I have – life has been busy, and I have not had a chance to watch too many new movies lately or any new movies other than Andy the Talking Hedgehog,

[1:36:05] which took up valuable movie viewing time that I would have loved to have spent on something else, anything else.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:12] Yeah, you're seeing all the reviews in from, what, Venice and all these other film festivals.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:16] I can only – I watched the video of the ovation they gave for Dune, and I'm like, well, I hope to see it someday if I can finish with the Talking Hedgehog movies.

[1:36:23] But I started – so I was thinking I want to recommend a movie about a talking animal that is good, and I was doing some research, and there are not very many, it turns out.

[1:36:34] There's not a lot of non-animated –

[1:36:35] Not Francis the Talking Mule?

[1:36:37] No, not even that.

[1:36:38] There's not a lot of non-animated good talking animal movies.

[1:36:40] Hot to trot?

[1:36:42] Hot to trot.

[1:36:43] I was briefly like, do I have the guts to recommend a movie that I thought was marginally funny when I was seven and have not seen since then?

[1:36:52] At a time when I was young enough that I thought like, yeah, Bobcat Goldthwait, I guess this is how grownups talk.

[1:36:57] That's why he does that.

[1:37:00] But instead, I'm going to – a better movie, I think, about an animal that learns how to talk or gains the ability to talk is – it made me think of Rise of the Planet of the Apes, the first of the recent new Apes trilogy.

[1:37:13] And as someone who really loves the original Planet of the Apes movies, I remember being really bowled over by what a good job they did in making a movie and then following it up with two sequels that were really good that did something similar to the old series but different enough that it felt like its own thing.

[1:37:33] But similar enough that it felt like we know the kind of the themes that we're playing with to a certain extent.

[1:37:39] And so that first one, I just remember being so impressed by it when I thought it was going to – I was worried that it was going to turn out to be crap as there had been a history of bad remakes of the Planet of the Apes movies.

[1:37:50] And it was just really good.

[1:37:51] So Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

[1:37:52] It's another movie about an animal who learns how to talk, this time through scientific rather than magical means.

[1:37:57] And it's a little harder to put the genie back in the bottle.

[1:38:01] Good one.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:02] I remember watching this.

[1:38:04] I might have said this on the show before, but I remember like firing that up and like right away I'm like, oh, that CGI baby monkey looks so fake.

[1:38:12] And then within like 10 minutes I'm like sobbing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:15] I'm like stupid CGI baby making me cry.

[1:38:18] And we were speaking of Andy Serkis earlier.

[1:38:21] Prime Andy Serkis.

[1:38:22] But sorry, Jamal, you want to say that?

Jamelle Bouie

[1:38:23] I would recommend those sequels too.

[1:38:25] Those sequels I think are really terrific.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:26] They're great, yeah.

[1:38:27] The sequels are if anything better than the sequels to the original series too.

[1:38:31] Like they manage to keep – as much as I love Beneath and Escape, the sequels to the new ones are much higher quality all around than the original sequels.

[1:38:40] But sorry, you were going to say.

Jamelle Bouie

[1:38:42] No, I mean my recommendation is not talking animal or ape related.

[1:38:48] It's – I recently watched for the first time The Last Seduction in 1994.

[1:38:55] Erotic thriller.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:56] As part of Criterion Channel's modern noir and neo-noir collection?

Jamelle Bouie

[1:39:00] As part of Criterion Channel's neo-noir collection, which contains several movies which are not noirs.

[1:39:06] It was very frustrating to me.

[1:39:07] There's a bunch of stuff in there that's sort of like – I mean these are good, but like I don't know if they belong here.

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:12] You got ten minutes in and you're like, I can't watch this garbage.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:16] No one's wearing a hat or using a gun.

[1:39:18] There's no shadows.

[1:39:20] I think the Criterion Channel falls down sometimes when they're like, here's – instead of being like, here's five great neo-noirs, they're like, here's 30 neo-noirs.

[1:39:27] Right, right, right.

[1:39:28] And you're like, well, some of these.

[1:39:28] You don't expect me to watch them.

[1:39:30] That's the thing.

[1:39:30] But sorry.

[1:39:31] Talk about Last Seduction.

Jamelle Bouie

[1:39:32] Last Seduction's great.

[1:39:33] It's basically sort of double indemnity if the femme fatale is the lead and also she is a lunatic.

[1:39:44] And she's played by Linda Fiorentino who scams her husband out of a bunch of money or steals a bunch of money and is basically trying to get away with it and pulls in a kind of a yokel named Peter Berg who gets really into her.

[1:40:01] And so it's sort of – it's Linda Fiorentino like exploiting all the men around her for the sake of her trying to get this money.

[1:40:08] And it is – it's a totally great watch.

[1:40:12] Fiorentino is terrific.

[1:40:14] She's like phenomenal in the role.

[1:40:15] Yeah.

[1:40:16] And it's a real shame that her career didn't take off the way I really think it should have after this and Men in Black.

[1:40:24] She had like a – I think –

[1:40:25] Yeah.

[1:40:26] I think within a couple years she had this and Men in Black which were two great performances from her.

Dan McCoy

[1:40:30] Well, she – I mean she got a reputation for being difficult which is frequently coded for like we just don't like this woman.

[1:40:38] Because I – you know, I – yeah, I think she's a terrific actor.

[1:40:43] Look, I don't know what she's like on a set.

[1:40:45] I met her briefly socially and she couldn't have been nicer.

[1:40:49] So I've always been a fan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:52] What was that that you met her on?

Dan McCoy

[1:40:53] Sarah, my ex-wife, is friends with her sister and we hung out in a bar once and she was very nice.

[1:41:02] Oh, that's really cool.

[1:41:03] Very cool.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:04] Yeah.

[1:41:05] I remember this was one of the first – this movie came out in 94 and I remember so well being like 12 and watching like E or whatever and hearing about how all these critics were saying that it should have been nominated for Academy Awards.

[1:41:19] But because it had aired on television first.

[1:41:21] Yeah.

[1:41:21] It was ineligible and how that was – and it was like the same issue that now we're going to be dealing with with what movies deserve to be nominated for Oscars if they're on streaming platforms.

[1:41:31] Like Last Seduction was a real pioneer with that in appearing on HBO before it was in theaters.

Dan McCoy

[1:41:35] Well, and John Dahl like had that happen to him with Red Rock West as well.

[1:41:40] Like he made these two noirs that both got sort of dumped to premium cable.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:47] Red Rock West isn't in the neo-noir criterion collection, right?

[1:41:51] I can't remember.

[1:41:52] But it would qualify.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:53] If it isn't, it would probably just because they don't have the rights to it as well, yes.

[1:41:57] It's not like they were like –

[1:41:58] I think it's hard to –

[1:41:58] Not noir-y enough.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:59] I think I remember reading that.

[1:42:01] It's hard to find.

[1:42:02] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:03] I mean if you go to the video store in my hometown that's not there anymore, that's where I got it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:07] Okay.

[1:42:08] I'll just head down to a place I don't know of and look around.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:12] If you want to go to Video Town in Milburn, New Jersey in 1995, you can just pick up a copy of it.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:17] Okay.

[1:42:18] But he also like I feel like could have had a bigger career because, you know, Rounders is sort of a cult classic now and that's a fun movie.

[1:42:25] And Joyride I think is a really underrated movie directed.

[1:42:28] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:30] Great.

[1:42:31] Well, I mean he's doing fun.

[1:42:32] Well, I mean he's doing fun.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:32] Steve Zahn, Lili Sobieski vehicle.

[1:42:34] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:35] Pun intended.

[1:42:35] You got to imagine he's living off the proceeds of his dad's estate, Roald Dahl.

[1:42:40] So he's probably fine.

[1:42:41] Mm-hmm.

[1:42:42] All right.

[1:42:43] Well, let's – on that note.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:47] That's a dismissive.

[1:42:48] All right.

[1:42:49] Let's shut up the flop house for another week.

[1:42:54] Jamel, is there anything that listeners should check out that you've been up to lately?

[1:43:01] You don't have to, but if it's there.

Jamelle Bouie

[1:43:03] There's my New York Times column.

[1:43:04] There's my New York Times newsletter.

[1:43:06] You can check out on Serious Eats.

[1:43:07] I have a series for viewing bad cereals.

[1:43:12] You can check that out.

[1:43:13] That's a lot of fun.

[1:43:16] That's really about it.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:18] Yeah.

[1:43:19] I mean that's plenty.

[1:43:20] That's plenty.

[1:43:21] I don't want you to think that you're underachieving right now.

[1:43:23] You have so much stuff and yet you still found time to watch this dumb movie and come on.

Jamelle Bouie

[1:43:29] No, it's always a pleasure to hang out with you guys.

[1:43:33] Thank you so much for being here.

[1:43:34] It's so great to have you.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:35] Yeah.

[1:43:36] Thank you to Alex Smith, our producer, for making the show sound good.

[1:43:41] Thank you to Maximum Fun, our network.

[1:43:45] They lend us so much support.

[1:43:47] Please return the favor.

[1:43:49] Go there.

[1:43:49] Listen to other podcasts.

[1:43:52] Become a member of the network.

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:54] And go to Simple Ticks, Flophouse, and buy a ticket to our Super Mario Brothers show.

[1:44:01] I don't know how you're going to watch Super Mario Brothers.

[1:44:03] That's on you, buddy.

[1:44:05] You should buy a ticket to hear us talk bullshit about it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:08] Yeah.

[1:44:09] We can't do everything for you.

[1:44:10] But yeah, September 25th, 9 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Pacific, Super Mario Brothers.

[1:44:14] Go to flophousepodcast.com slash events.

[1:44:17] Or the link to buy tickets.

[1:44:20] And I guess, yeah, go back to Videotown in Milburn, New Jersey in 1995.

[1:44:24] I bet they've got a copy of Super Mario Brothers just sitting on the shelf in the science fiction fantasy section, probably.

Dan McCoy

[1:44:30] Or take a, you know, go back in time and turn on TBS.

[1:44:34] It might be playing.

[1:44:35] Who knows?

[1:44:36] Yeah.

[1:44:36] But yeah, until we talk to you again, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:44:40] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:44:41] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:44:43] I'm Jamel Bowie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:45] Bye.

[1:44:50] Jamel, you know I'm going to be asking you about hedgehogs in America today.

[1:44:53] So get that shit ready.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:55] Yeah.

[1:44:55] I got my head into it and I'm ready.

[1:44:57] Yeah.

[1:44:57] Come on.

[1:44:57] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:45:13] Maximumfun.org

[1:45:15] Comedy and culture.

[1:45:17] Artist owned.

S6

[1:45:18] Audience supported.

Ep. #351 - Andy the Talking Hedgehog, with Jamelle Bouie

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