Ep. #352 - Black Easter

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Black Easter.

Stuart Wellington

[0:03] When the title Assassin 33 AD wasn't cool enough.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[0:36] I'm Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[0:37] Hey!

[0:38] It's me, Stuart Wellington.

[0:40] Hey, guys, it's me, Elliot Kalin.

[0:41] Let's stop laughing for a minute.

[0:42] We got professional business before we get to the movie today.

[0:44] Okay, yeah.

[0:45] Sure.

[0:45] Today, if you are listening to this episode on the day of release, which is September 25th,

[0:49] then you might know or may not know, and you should know, that tonight we will be appearing

[0:53] live remotely via your computer talking about the Super Mario Brothers movie at 9 p.m.

[0:59] Eastern time, 6 p.m.

[1:00] Pacific time.

[1:01] That's right.

[1:02] We're doing a live remote show today, tonight.

[1:05] It's a surprise show, but it's not a surprise.

[1:07] We've been promoting it for like a month and a half now.

[1:08] But if you weren't aware of it, tonight, if you're watching this episode, then stop watching

[1:13] me.

[1:14] If you're listening to this episode, though, then on the day of release, September 25th,

[1:18] then it is tonight, September 25th, just go to theflophouse.simpleticks.com for tickets.

[1:26] It's $10.

[1:26] We're going to be talking about Super Mario Brothers.

[1:28] We're going to have new presentations.

[1:28] We're going to be taking questions from the audience.

[1:31] I'll tell you more about it later in the show.

[1:33] But if this is the first time you're hearing about it and you're like, I don't have plans

[1:36] tonight.

[1:36] I want to hear the Flophouse talk about stuff.

[1:38] Then go to theflophouse.simpleticks.com and get tickets for tonight.

[1:42] If you can't watch it tonight, getting a ticket gets you access to one week's worth of the

[1:47] archival video.

[1:48] You have a week to watch it.

[1:49] Not that you have to watch the video slowed down so it lasts a week to watch.

[1:53] That would be not a great way to watch it.

[1:55] A little bit each night as a treat.

[1:58] Yeah.

[1:58] But that's tonight.

[1:59] If you're listening to this on September 25th.

[2:01] But let's get to the movie.

[2:02] We'll talk more about that show later.

[2:03] Let's get to the movie.

[2:04] Right, Dan?

[2:04] Because what do we do on this podcast?

[2:05] Can we talk about this dumb movie?

[2:07] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[2:07] What do we do on this podcast, Dan?

[2:09] This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[2:13] This is Small Timber right now.

[2:15] Small-vember.

[2:16] The month of the year where we watch smaller movies rather than the usual Hollywood schlock.

[2:22] And this movie.

[2:23] Schlock bust.

[2:23] This isn't a schlock buster.

[2:24] This is a.

Elliott Kalan

[2:26] What?

[2:26] What's a movie for.

[2:27] What's a word for a little movie?

[2:28] It's schlock dependent?

Dan McCoy

[2:30] Yeah.

[2:31] Like an independent film?

Elliott Kalan

[2:32] No.

[2:33] It's a.

[2:33] No.

Stuart Wellington

[2:35] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[2:36] Stu, I'm hearing a lot of no's, but I'm not hearing a lot of suggestions.

[2:41] I mean, you're identifying the problem, but not a solution.

Stuart Wellington

[2:44] No, Elliot.

[2:45] No.

[2:47] Not schlock dependent.

[2:47] Well, Dan, it's schlock dependent films.

[2:50] That's what it is.

Dan McCoy

[2:50] I never tried disappointment before to shut Elliot up.

[2:54] It really works.

[2:55] It really, really works.

[2:57] No.

[2:58] Well, this movie.

[3:00] It's a small movie.

[3:01] It's a small guy.

[3:02] It's a small guy.

[3:02] That also has been released previously under a different name and a different cut.

[3:08] It used to be.

[3:08] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[3:09] This is a movie that came out in 2020 and then came out in a longer version in 2021.

Dan McCoy

[3:14] Yep.

[3:14] For the real fiends out there.

[3:16] Originally known as.

[3:17] We call them.

Dan McCoy

[3:18] Assassin 33 AD.

[3:20] Uh-huh.

[3:21] And apparently that cut was goofier.

[3:23] I'm a little sad that we didn't watch that one.

[3:26] I picked this one just because it was the one that was available on a streaming service.

Elliott Kalan

[3:32] I mean, I wonder how it, I wonder how it was goofier.

[3:35] That's my question.

[3:36] I don't know.

[3:37] I'm guessing the order of things.

Dan McCoy

[3:39] I think that there are a few sillier ideas, according to Letterboxd, that got like, that

[3:45] left in.

[3:46] I think it was a little more overtly Christian, even though it's pretty overtly Christian as

[3:51] it is.

Dan McCoy

[3:51] I don't know how.

Elliott Kalan

[3:51] The movie literally is all about how Jesus is the Lord.

[3:54] It's kind of hard for you to be more overtly Christian than that.

Dan McCoy

[3:56] I've only been able to glean that tiny bit, though, from scanning the.

Elliott Kalan

[4:01] I mean, speaking as a Jewish person whose only experience of movies before this has been

[4:06] the Coen brothers' A Serious Man, this was an extremely Christian movie.

[4:10] Wow.

[4:11] And if I'm judging them on that continuum of A Serious Man having almost no Christian content

[4:15] and Black Easter being almost entirely Christian content, it's very Christian.

[4:18] Those are the only two movies I've ever seen, though.

Dan McCoy

[4:20] That's true.

[4:21] Although, I mean, for all you know, having only seen those two movies, A Serious Man could

[4:26] be very Christian as well.

[4:28] You're saying-

[4:28] Just a lot less Christian than this one.

Elliott Kalan

[4:30] I guess if there was a movie that wasn't- I mean, there are movies in Yiddish.

[4:33] So yeah, I guess, yeah, it could be.

[4:35] So should we- I'm gonna be summarizing the movie today.

[4:38] You guys are getting me so fucking excited.

Stuart Wellington

[4:40] Can we just get to the movie?

Elliott Kalan

[4:41] Okay.

[4:42] Let's get to this movie.

[4:43] So as Dan mentioned, we watched Black Easter, the recut of Assassin 33 AD.

Stuart Wellington

[4:47] Now, right off the top, I think I've determined a really interesting linking between the other

[4:54] film we watched for Small Vember, of course, Andy, A Talking Hedgehog.

[4:59] Andy, THE talking hedgehog, Stuart.

[5:01] Not merely A talking hedgehog, although there was another talking hedgehog in the movie.

[5:05] I'm glad that you noticed me throw salt all over his game right there.

[5:10] So what I want to point out is both movies have really good voiceovers, really good voiceover

[5:16] narrations.

[5:17] I didn't realize that was part of Small Vember movies, but most of this movie sounds like

[5:23] it's being narrated by a talking animal.

Elliott Kalan

[5:25] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[5:26] And by the way, he is because his name's Ram, which is an animal.

[5:29] And also he's a human, which is a kind of animal.

Elliott Kalan

[5:31] I mean, both feel like they're being narrated by someone who is recording over a phone line.

[5:35] So yeah, that's part of it.

[5:37] We're in a small room.

[5:37] So guys, but first, Black Easter, it doesn't just start.

[5:41] This is a movie that is unafraid to tell you at the outset how amazing it is because the

[5:45] credits open with a string of award commendations, just one after the other.

[5:50] There's probably 30 of them.

[5:51] And they're from places like film festivals I was not aware of.

[5:54] Like I know it won a word at the Warsaw International Film Festival, not one I was aware of.

Dan McCoy

[5:59] I couldn't find where I had read this, but someone on the internet has looked into these awards

[6:07] and found them to be non-existent.

[6:09] Not in places.

[6:11] Like they've called up and checked about these awards.

[6:13] And so he's opening the movie with a string of lies as far as I've been able to see.

[6:19] Thank you, cyber sleuths.

[6:20] And so many.

Elliott Kalan

[6:21] And so the only award that's listed on the IMDb page for Assassin 33 AD is a nomination

[6:26] for the Indiana Film Journalist Association's Original Vision Award.

[6:30] Did not win, apparently.

[6:31] But yeah, it takes such chutzpah, which I can't believe I'm saying for such a non-Jewish movie.

[6:36] It takes such chutzpah to start a movie with a string of, as Dan's saying, non-existent

[6:41] award commendations.

[6:43] And then when you get to the credits.

Dan McCoy

[6:44] Flying at you like the credits from Superman.

Elliott Kalan

[6:48] Yeah, it's a barrage.

[6:50] It's like you are an attacker who is chasing the director and he is hurling awards at you

[6:55] in a desperate attempt to get you to slow down so he can escape.

[6:58] Okay.

[6:59] Then the credits.

Stuart Wellington

[7:00] No, I know we're blowing right through this plot here, guys, but I just want to point

[7:03] out, Elliot, when I watched it.

Elliott Kalan

[7:04] I mean, we are roughly 20 seconds into the film, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[7:07] When I watched this movie last night, I do have to warn you that I was incredibly drunk.

[7:11] So I may have missed some of the intricate plotting.

Dan McCoy

[7:14] Yeah, well, this movie later turns into the primer of Christian time travel movies.

[7:20] So I think you probably did miss some of the plot.

[7:23] Hopefully Elliot will be the blade that cuts through this Gordian knot.

Elliott Kalan

[7:27] Here's the comment.

[7:27] I'll take us through it.

[7:28] Buckle up, because it's going to be a somewhat bumpy ride and you're drunk.

[7:31] But I think, here's the thing I'll say about it.

[7:34] If you want to put a blurb on the poster, producer Black Easter, better sound recording

[7:38] than primer, raves Elliot Kalin.

[7:41] Wow.

[7:42] Because I love primer, but you cannot record two guys standing next to a fountain with a

[7:47] shotgun mic.

[7:48] I'm sorry.

[7:48] It's just, you're not going to be able to hear them.

[7:50] But primer is a great time travel movie.

[7:52] It's just very hard to hear at times.

[7:53] But again, the movie famously was made for what, like $7,000 or something like that?

[7:56] And the guy who made it, it turns out, is kind of a creep.

[7:59] So whatever.

[7:59] Yeah, yeah.

[7:59] Well, that's, I can like the movie with that.

[8:02] I didn't like his other movies very much.

[8:03] Or other movies.

[8:04] Good save.

[8:05] Okay, let's get to this movie.

[8:07] All right, guys.

[8:07] Okay.

[8:08] So the credits then begin, but uh-oh, I hope you didn't think you were going to watch all

[8:12] the credits because the opening credits get interrupted by a voiceover telling us that the narrator

[8:18] had to piece the story together from three different time continuums.

[8:21] So it's going to be complicated.

[8:22] And then over a long montage of stock footage, he asks us what we would do if we could travel

[8:28] through time.

[8:28] Would we change our life?

[8:29] Or would we be okay with God's will having brought us this far?

[8:33] It's, it's, so this movie, so you're, the movie has not even, has barely started.

[8:38] And it's already, it's thrown award after award at you.

[8:41] It has refused to finish the opening credits.

[8:44] And it has gone into a stock footage montage that is stating the theme, I guess.

[8:47] But it's, and the, the main character's voiceover is so smug right off the top of the bat.

[8:53] Like the character, this is before the character has described himself as a genius, but they,

[8:58] which happens later.

[8:59] But it was like, I thought it was, it took, it was so strange to see, you've seen, we've

[9:02] seen all seen movies where a character has been in a precarious situation.

[9:06] Sure.

[9:06] You've seen two.

[9:08] I've seen, well, we haven't seen, I mean, I forgot I'd seen three movies.

[9:11] Maverick with Mel Gibson was one of them.

[9:12] And in that one, he's in a dangerous situation.

[9:14] And then it cuts back to how he got there.

[9:15] How did you forget that one?

Dan McCoy

[9:16] Yeah.

[9:16] How Jewish is that movie compared to the other two?

Elliott Kalan

[9:19] How what?

[9:20] How, I, it's right smack dab in the middle because it's not overtly crisp.

[9:25] It's not overtly Jewish, but it's not overtly.

[9:26] Actually, no, they sing Amazing Grace in it.

[9:28] So you know what?

[9:29] It is on the more Christian end of the spectrum.

[9:32] But he, he does have to deal with, with, I think, riverboat gambling, which of course is

[9:37] in the, is in the Bible.

[9:39] So the, when I think that's Noah's Ark, he briefly opens a riverboat casino.

[9:45] So for the animals.

[9:47] I have something to do, you know?

[9:49] But the movie doesn't even interrupt a scene for this.

[9:51] It interrupts the opening credits for this.

[9:54] Okay.

[9:54] So.

[9:54] And you got an octopus.

[9:56] One of the octopuses is doing the roulette table because he's got those long tentacles.

[10:00] Well, we didn't.

[10:01] Well, that's the thing is Noah didn't really have a lot of sea creatures on the Ark because

[10:04] they kind of handle themselves in the deluge.

[10:07] It was really more the land animals he was trying to take care of.

Stuart Wellington

[10:09] Yeah, but the octopus wants to come up because it's fun.

[10:11] Oh, yeah.

[10:12] Oh, you're saying.

Elliott Kalan

[10:13] He wants to be paying customers.

[10:14] He just works there.

[10:14] He wants to be where the people are.

[10:16] Yeah.

[10:16] Yeah, that he wants to be part of their world like in the movie The Little Octopus.

[10:20] Yeah.

[10:21] So anyway, we cut to the first scene.

[10:24] There's a lot of identifiers on the screens for the times, which we need because it's

[10:27] so complicated.

[10:28] It says 33 AD.

[10:30] And a commando team attacks Jesus and his followers.

[10:34] The leader of the commandos, who will later learn his name, Brandt, he tells the man who

[10:38] is Jesus, but we don't quite know yet who's been shot.

[10:41] If he goes, if you're really God, you can stop that bullet.

[10:44] And then he shoots Jesus in the head for taking my family.

[10:48] Yeah.

[10:48] So guys, this movie just throws you in the deep end right off the bat.

[10:51] How did you feel about it?

Dan McCoy

[10:52] Well, I want to take this moment to say, before we get even further into this episode,

[10:57] content warning for deicide, content warning for patricide and mattresside.

[11:05] Let's see.

[11:06] The killing of a mattress, yeah.

[11:07] A lot of Islamophobia and just sort of, oh, they're pretty careful with that.

[11:13] They're careful in the way of a person who knows that they're going to be accused of Islamophobia

[11:19] because the premise is Islamophobic.

[11:22] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[11:23] It's the I'm not touching you of racism.

Dan McCoy

[11:25] Yeah, but for as goofy a movie this is, there's a lot of potentially upsetting stuff in it.

[11:31] Again, not the goofy movie, though.

[11:34] It is so silly that it's very hard to.

Elliott Kalan

[11:36] It is a very silly movie about religious terrorism and time travel and multiple deaths.

[11:43] There's a lot of gunshot deaths in this movie.

[11:45] Yeah.

[11:46] Yeah.

[11:46] Okay, so that was 33 AD.

[11:48] Now a text about 2,000 years later.

[11:50] And this is where I was like, wait a minute.

[11:52] So you've accurately pinpointed the year of Jesus's crucifixion.

[11:55] But you cannot accurately pinpoint the year that this guy, the main character, is in grad school.

[12:00] Yeah.

[12:00] The records are spotty.

[12:02] It's about 2,000 years after that.

[12:04] It doesn't make sense.

[12:05] We meet our narrating hero.

[12:06] His name is, he with the very realistic name of Ram Goldstein.

[12:10] Now here's my theory about his name.

[12:12] Go on.

[12:13] My theory about his name is, they're trying to make this character Jewish without ever saying he's Jewish.

[12:18] And a football player.

[12:20] And a football player.

[12:20] But also like, maybe he's the Ram that Abraham sacrificed after God told him not to sacrifice his son Isaac.

[12:29] That's my only guess.

[12:29] Because otherwise, he's a tall, thin, what's the name of the guy from The Office and Veep?

[12:37] Zach Woods.

[12:38] Yeah.

[12:38] Like, he's a real Zach Woods looking, tall, thin guy.

[12:41] Doesn't really seem like much of a Ram.

[12:43] And I don't, it's hard for me to think of what Ram is short for.

[12:45] So it's either a nickname or his parents named him Ram for some reason.

[12:48] Ram, it's Ramstein.

[12:49] Short for Ramstein.

[12:50] Yeah.

[12:50] His name is Ram, yeah.

[12:51] Ramstein Goldstein.

[12:52] I imagine Ram, Ramstein Goldstein.

[12:56] Yeah.

[12:58] I mean, you understand why he shortens it.

[13:00] Yeah.

[13:01] Totally.

[13:02] Yeah.

[13:02] Makes sense.

[13:04] So Ram Goldstein, he is a cocky genius.

[13:06] He tells us in the voiceover that he's kind of a genius.

[13:08] And as he is busy acing the hardest test in this class that nobody's ever aced before, he meets his classmate, Amy, who in VO is also described as a genius.

[13:17] He then describes how they fall in love and we see a montage of them falling in love.

[13:21] But then we jump back to their first meeting as if the montage of them falling in love never happened to see her ask him out and he's kind of surprised by it.

[13:28] And it's like, dude, you just told us this.

[13:30] Why are you telling us in two different ways that you're now in love interest?

Dan McCoy

[13:33] He seems to be really into how cocky and much of a jerk he is.

Elliott Kalan

[13:39] Now, you've got to give the movie credit for this.

[13:41] They're not doing a lot to make you like the main character.

[13:43] No.

[13:44] He presents himself as a cocky genius and continues to be that way.

[13:47] I mean they are setting him up as explicitly a non-Christian scientist who does not believe in God, as we'll see later.

[13:56] And he's going to get his comeuppance because the movie is called Black Easter.

[13:59] It's not called Nietzsche was right, the movie.

[14:02] This is not his God is dead, the rebuttal to God's not dead starring Kevin Sorbo.

[14:08] You almost never have a movie with Jesus in the first scene that doesn't end with Jesus being shown to be God later on.

[14:17] I mean if there's a hard time for me to think of any.

[14:19] Okay.

[14:20] Three months later.

[14:21] Forget that.

[14:22] Now it's three months later.

[14:24] We're watching Brant, the commando from earlier.

[14:26] As the VO tells us, he's a war hero who's now a family man.

[14:29] He's driving with his inexplicably British wife and their two blonde daughters.

Stuart Wellington

[14:34] And it's like a car commercial.

[14:35] It's like shot with like a drone and all that.

[14:39] It's great.

[14:39] Yeah, John Hamm is doing a voiceover.

Dan McCoy

[14:41] Heidi Montag from the Hills.

[14:44] Oh, right.

[14:45] Later on I showed a picture of the actor playing Jesus to Audrey, his IMDB photo.

[14:52] And she recognized him as he had been on a singing competition.

[14:56] I can't remember which one.

[14:58] So the guy clearly got a bunch of reality stars.

[15:01] Probably the masked messiah.

Dan McCoy

[15:01] Is that it?

[15:02] Yeah, got some bona fides here.

[15:04] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[15:05] So yeah, these are real stars.

[15:07] So his wife tells him that she's short.

[15:11] They have a very awkward moment, which in another movie would be her telling him this isn't working.

[15:15] I want a divorce.

[15:16] But instead she tells him, I really think God's planning for you to do something miraculous.

[15:20] And he's like, thanks, honey.

[15:21] And then immediately he plows into a truck and kills her and their daughters.

[15:24] So which is one of those things where he's like, God, how could you do this?

[15:28] It's like, dude, you were not paying attention to the road.

[15:30] Like that was not, you were not driving safely.

Dan McCoy

[15:31] He immediately shifts to like the raging at God specifically as the cause of his problem.

Elliott Kalan

[15:38] Well, it's part of the five stages of grief.

[15:41] First there is denial.

[15:43] Go on.

[15:43] Then raging at God.

[15:45] And that's it.

[15:45] There's just two stages.

[15:47] Wow.

Stuart Wellington

[15:47] The third stage is ignoring stages three through five.

Elliott Kalan

[15:50] Yeah, yeah.

[15:51] Well, actually the third stage, I don't, it's spoilers.

[15:53] The third stage is going back in time to kill God.

[15:55] The fourth stage is getting caught in some time travel shenanigans.

[15:59] And the fifth stage is eventually things are okay.

[16:02] Yeah.

[16:03] So.

[16:03] I don't think you watched the end of the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[16:05] So the, so yeah, he gets chucked out of the vehicle, cars flipped upside down.

[16:10] And we, we know things are bad because the doll his daughters were playing with in the back seat has been chucked out into this road with him.

[16:18] And I feel like that is immediately a sign that if you see a doll with no child, it's curtains for the child.

[16:25] Unless that doll is Chucky, in which case keep kids away from that doll.

Elliott Kalan

[16:28] Yeah.

[16:29] I mean, yeah.

[16:29] If you see Chucky, it's already curtains for the children.

[16:31] Kids shouldn't play with dead things or Chucky's.

[16:34] Obviously the doll, the doll as signifier for dead child is a clear nod to Fritz Lang's M in which the ball the child is playing with rolls to a stop, thus signifying that Peter Lorre has killed him.

[16:43] Black Easter is full of these little cinematic Easter eggs, if you will.

[16:48] I won't.

[16:48] Now we, we cut to, you won't.

[16:50] Okay, then nevermind.

[16:52] We cut to lab 19.

[16:54] This is not a time indicator.

[16:56] It's not, we have not entered a new timeline where people, where lab is a month and 19 is a day.

[17:00] Lab 19 is a place where Ram-

Dan McCoy

[17:02] Name for the laboratory retriever that saved the world from those aliens when we renamed the calendar after him.

Elliott Kalan

[17:08] Yeah, in Space Bud.

[17:09] That was the name of the movie.

[17:11] It was the sequel to Air Bud.

[17:12] So, lab 19, Ram and Amy are now working with two other geniuses, laid back, cocky Simon and nervous, stuffed penguin obsessed Felix.

[17:21] Felix obsessed with his stuffed penguin and this never really pays off in anything, particularly.

[17:26] They're trying to invent a teleportation machine and Ram is mocking Amy for praying before their next test.

[17:32] He's like, ugh, God, can you really believe in that stuff?

[17:36] It seems like this is a good time for her to dump him.

[17:39] It's three months in.

[17:40] They're coworkers now.

[17:42] He refuses to believe.

[17:44] He's just mocking her religious beliefs.

[17:47] Especially like in public at this point, right?

[17:49] Yeah, in front of their coworkers.

[17:51] Ram is all science.

[17:53] Amy is all about God.

[17:54] They're a classic odd couple.

[17:55] Dan, what would you call the sitcom that's about the two of them where Ram is really all science and Amy is all God, but they love each other?

Dan McCoy

[18:01] One of them likes God.

[18:04] Yes.

[18:05] And we're talking about the odd couple.

[18:09] Okay.

[18:10] I would probably call it Sciency and the Jesus.

Elliott Kalan

[18:17] Okay.

[18:18] So, Jesus is one of the couple?

[18:20] Yeah.

[18:21] The one who likes Jesus.

[18:22] I mean, I think the obvious choice is Big Bang Theory.

Dan McCoy

[18:25] She also likes Big Lebowski.

[18:30] Yeah, yeah.

[18:31] And she's played by John Turturro playing the Jesus.

Elliott Kalan

[18:34] Actually, Stuart, the Big Bang Theory is a much better name for that show than for the show that it's actually the name for.

[18:40] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[18:40] Wait, it's already being used for a show?

[18:42] Oh, boy.

Elliott Kalan

[18:43] It's understandable that you haven't heard of it.

[18:45] It's only the most successful television show in the history of television.

[18:50] More successful than Two and a Half Men?

[18:53] Two and a Half Men is actually a guy.

[18:55] Saul Two and a Half Men.

[18:58] Anyway, so let's go back to the movie, shall we?

[19:00] So, Amy's all about God.

[19:02] They try to transport a chair and the machine explodes.

[19:05] Oh, boy.

[19:05] Back to the drawing board.

[19:07] Or so they think.

Stuart Wellington

[19:08] So, they're doing science to make chairs move from one place to another place.

Elliott Kalan

[19:12] Yes.

[19:12] They're looking for a way to solve the problem that humanity faces of it being too difficult to move chairs.

[19:17] Yeah.

[19:18] I get it.

[19:19] Let me tell you.

[19:19] We've got folding chairs in the garage.

[19:21] When family comes over for a holiday, I've got to move them from the garage to the dining room.

[19:26] It's a hassle.

[19:27] There's got to be a better way.

[19:29] Amy, Ram, do you have a suggestion?

[19:31] That's why we've got the chair-a-riser.

[19:34] The chair-a-riser is the best way to move chairs without actually using your physical body.

[19:39] Sounds scarier than it should.

[19:39] What about it?

[19:40] You do have to move the chair to the chair-a-riser.

[19:43] So, you are moving the chair a little bit.

[19:45] Now, the chair-a-riser, though, is authorized and endorsed by Paul Reiser.

[19:49] That's why we call it the chair-a-riser.

[19:51] Oh, that makes sense.

[19:52] Hi, you may remember me from the movie Aliens.

[19:55] Well, something you're going to be alien from is moving your chairs.

[19:59] When you get the chair-a-riser, the only product with my name on it.

[20:03] Me, Paul Chair-a-riser.

[20:05] I've changed my nickname to chair.

Dan McCoy

[20:07] I'd like to pitch an alternate product called Cherry 2000.

[20:13] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[20:14] And now, tell me more about this project and the movie tie-in.

Dan McCoy

[20:17] Well, it does the same thing.

[20:19] It's just a cheaper version.

[20:21] But, you know, the 2000 makes it sound futuristic.

Elliott Kalan

[20:23] It does.

[20:24] I mean, 2000 a year is now way in the past.

[20:26] But, you know, sure.

Stuart Wellington

[20:27] Are we in the pitching thing space of this episode?

[20:30] We certainly are.

[20:31] Sure.

[20:31] What you got?

[20:31] I'd like to pitch an Animorphs book where Paul Reiser turns into a set of Reisers.

[20:37] Wait, so that's not an animal, though.

[20:40] That's the thing.

[20:41] Animorphs have gone long past animals, Elliot.

[20:43] Grow up, okay?

[20:45] Yeah.

[20:45] Grow up.

Elliott Kalan

[20:46] You're right.

[20:46] I'm still a kid looking at Animorphs and expecting animals.

[20:49] I didn't realize it was any object.

[20:51] Yeah.

[20:52] Anything.

[20:53] So the cover of the book would be Paul Reiser morphing into a set of Reisers.

[20:57] Into a set of Reisers, yeah.

[20:58] And what would happen when he turned into Reisers?

[20:59] He just provides seating for people?

[21:00] Yes.

[21:01] Just like with a chair Reiser.

Stuart Wellington

[21:02] Yes.

[21:02] Paul Reiser's all that seating.

[21:04] That's why your idea gave me an even better idea, Elliot.

[21:07] Yeah.

[21:07] It is a better idea.

Dan McCoy

[21:09] He would do a little neurotic comedy about it, like, hey, look at me.

[21:12] Everyone's sitting on me, you know.

[21:13] Oh, I don't get no respect.

Elliott Kalan

[21:15] I stole that tagline from Roger Dangerfield.

[21:18] And, I mean, it does make sense now why his show's called Mad About You Sitting On Me.

[21:24] Yeah.

[21:24] He's both mad about it like, yeah, he's like, I can't believe you're sitting on me still,

[21:29] Helen Hunt.

[21:29] Every episode was Helen Hunt sitting on him in different situations and him getting furious

Stuart Wellington

[21:33] about it.

[21:34] Yeah, but he loves it, too.

[21:35] I'm being sworn in as president of the United States.

Elliott Kalan

[21:38] Why are you sitting on me?

[21:39] It's such a show of disrespect.

[21:40] I'm getting gallbladder surgery.

Stuart Wellington

[21:42] Why are you sitting on me?

[21:43] No, but he still likes it.

[21:44] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[21:45] Yeah.

[21:45] I'm going back in time to assassinate Jesus and you're sitting on me.

[21:49] Okay, so Ram and Amy and Simon and Felix, they think that they are going to get reamed

[21:55] by their boss.

[21:56] But no, their boss, Ahmed, he's not going to yell at them.

[21:59] He's going to show them video of the test that shows they actually did transport a chair

[22:03] for one split second.

[22:04] They did it.

[22:05] They invented teleportation.

[22:06] And the chair riser is reality as long as you want the chairs to not go anywhere and then

[22:10] explode.

[22:11] They get promoted to a much better lab in the same building.

[22:14] And you're like, wait a minute.

[22:14] Why did you have them working at this crappier lab on a different floor when you have a better

[22:19] lab?

Dan McCoy

[22:19] It seemed like he had several teams working at once.

Elliott Kalan

[22:23] There's a lot of redundancy in Ahmed's organization.

[22:25] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[22:26] And Charlene pointed out that all these labs, their security measure is someone on the door

[22:31] frame has drawn the outline of a hand to be the handprint scanner.

[22:36] Yeah.

[22:36] It's more a suggestion of security than anything else.

Elliott Kalan

[22:40] Brant also works for Ahmed.

[22:41] He works security.

[22:42] And he does not get along with Ahmed's assistant, Sabir.

[22:45] And Brant tells Ahmed, as you would normally tell your boss, about how you're angry at

[22:49] God for taking your family from you.

[22:51] And Ahmed has a flashback to his own parents having their throats cut back in whatever caricature

[22:56] Middle Eastern country he's supposed to be from.

[22:58] It is not named.

[22:59] And all you know is that brigands are running around slashing people's throats in marketplaces.

Stuart Wellington

[23:04] With curved daggers that he now mounts on his desk.

Elliott Kalan

[23:07] Yeah.

[23:08] Now is that you think?

[23:08] And so it shows him at some point.

[23:10] I don't remember if it's here.

[23:11] Like he takes the dagger and slashes the face of the person who did it.

[23:14] Is that the same dagger?

[23:15] And he's always kept it with him.

[23:16] It's gotta be.

[23:17] It's gotta be, right?

[23:17] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[23:17] That's his signature dagger.

Dan McCoy

[23:20] Now that he's a supervillain, he needs his signature dagger.

Elliott Kalan

[23:23] Or is it like one of those prop replicas that people buy where they're like,

[23:26] I can't really get a Star Trek phaser, but I bought a replica of it.

Stuart Wellington

[23:31] I'm not allowed to carry a real Batleth into the movie theater.

Elliott Kalan

[23:36] Well, what movie are they trying to bring a Batleth into?

[23:39] A Star Wars movie.

[23:41] Okay, well, because they're asking for trouble.

[23:43] I see.

[23:43] Okay.

[23:44] So weeks later, while making out with Amy behind the computer server,

[23:49] the only place they think they're free from the security cameras,

[23:51] Ram notices that Ahmed is using the computer system to communicate outside of the country.

[23:57] And when he plugs in his computer device into it, he sees the video of it.

[24:01] Ahmed is talking to Rashad Amir, the most wanted terrorist in the world,

[24:05] who also killed Ahmed's parents.

[24:08] And somehow he's working with them.

[24:10] And Ram and Amy make the decision to decide to report it later and then go back to working on building the teleporter that the terrorist is going to use.

[24:18] It's a strange choice.

Dan McCoy

[24:21] Yeah.

[24:21] I mean, this movie is weird because to some degree, like, it will work for certain stretches, like, on the sense that, like, it knows what a movie is.

[24:35] Like, this movie is less incompetently made than a lot of small timber movies.

[24:39] Like, it has the beats of a blockbuster movie in its head.

[24:45] I mean, second time's a charm, you know?

[24:47] It's just really dumb and silly while doing it.

[24:50] Like, super dumb and silly.

[24:52] And this is one of the big moments where I'm like, they seem, they're like, ah, we'll handle that after work.

[25:00] In the meantime, we'll go back to trying to do the thing that we now know we shouldn't do.

Elliott Kalan

[25:06] Anyway, the teleporter that the terrorist mastermind wants to use isn't going to invent itself.

[25:10] Let's make it happen.

[25:11] It's almost like they're like, well, there's no evil way to send a chair somewhere.

[25:15] So I think it's fine.

[25:17] Yeah, I think that's probably it.

[25:20] The characters do a lot of things that the plot needs them to do, but where it doesn't, yeah, it doesn't make sense for the characters to do it.

[25:25] Okay, we'll see a number of those later on.

[25:28] While working on it, Ram has a breakthrough.

[25:31] The teleporter has to account for time.

[25:33] He makes up some science mumbo-jumbo about two things existing in the same place at the same time.

[25:38] And the way that he makes it account for time is he tells the computer, send it to the future.

[25:43] And it works.

[25:43] He secretly tests it with a little pencil eraser, and it works.

[25:46] It's a time machine now.

[25:48] And this is one of multiple times the movie where Ram tries to outsmart the bad guys and completely fails almost instantly.

[25:54] Where he sets up this secret test, and he's like, I did it, and they have no idea.

[25:57] And the guards immediately rush in and are like, we saw what you did.

[26:00] We're taking you to the boss.

[26:01] So Ahmed demands Ram telling the secret of making the time machine work.

[26:05] They argue a little bit about the time travel ethics of doing things in the past and also the power of God.

[26:10] Turns out Ram both encrypted and deleted his time travel files.

[26:13] Seems like redundancy to do both, but he did them both.

[26:17] So they have to have Brant try to beat the info out of him.

[26:21] And Ahmed tells Ram's gang, hey, he did it, and the project's classified now.

[26:26] So now Ram is working closely with the army, and you're going to have to give me your phones, and you can't leave.

[26:30] And Ram's coworkers are like, seems a little off.

[26:34] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[26:35] That seems weird.

Elliott Kalan

[26:37] Well...

[26:38] I don't know, but okay.

[26:39] You are the boss.

[26:40] They're still doing it for love of the game, you know?

[26:42] Yeah.

[26:42] Okay.

[26:43] So Ahmed, at this point, he is not wasting time.

[26:49] He brings in Ram's parents, and he says, tell me the secret or I'll kill them.

[26:52] And Ram doesn't.

[26:53] So Ahmed kills them.

[26:54] They're both shot in the back of the head.

Dan McCoy

[26:56] I found the scene to be legitimately upsetting, because first Ram has to watch his father get shot in the head while his mom watches her husband die.

[27:11] And then his mom, and I'm like, didn't this movie start off with kind of a goofy voiceover where, like...

[27:18] Yes.

[27:19] He's like, oh, my life is great.

[27:21] I'm a genius.

[27:22] It was such a weird total shift.

Elliott Kalan

[27:24] Get ready, because this story's going to be a little wacky.

[27:27] Anyway, I'm a super genius.

[27:29] There's my girl.

[27:30] She's a hottie.

[27:31] She's also a genius.

[27:32] Anyway, my mom had to watch my dad get shot in the back of the head, and then I had to watch her get shot in the back of the head.

[27:37] Crazy, right?

[27:37] Time for us to have a time travel adventure, you know?

Dan McCoy

[27:40] Well, and then, like, that emotional, like, whiplash was tempered by the fact that the thing that makes him finally give things up is they're like, oh, we'll torture your girlfriend.

[27:49] And I'm like, okay.

[27:51] I mean, I know that, like, people have breaking points, but it does feel kind of, like, cold that he's like, yeah, shoot mom and dad, that's okay, but don't torture my girlfriend.

[28:01] He had a weird childhood, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[28:04] Yeah, and it's established earlier that he lives with his mom and dad still, so there's probably a lot of tension there.

[28:08] You know, he's like, oh, if I could just get a day away from them.

[28:12] And, you know, let's look at Ram.

Stuart Wellington

[28:12] He's like, somebody's sleeping in the master suite tonight.

Elliott Kalan

[28:16] Yeah, and it looks like I'm going to just step over to the master bathroom from the master bed instead of having to get out of my basement bed, pee in a bucket, then take the bucket and pour it into the sink next to the washing machine, because that's how I go to the bathroom in my part of the house.

Stuart Wellington

[28:31] That was all in the original Assassin 33 AD cut, right?

[28:34] You have to assume.

[28:35] You have to assume.

Elliott Kalan

[28:36] Yeah, this is all canon.

[28:38] Also, Ram, I think, is like, a girl liked me.

[28:41] That's not going to happen again.

[28:42] Don't hurt Amy.

[28:43] Yeah.

[28:43] Because he's not got a great personality.

[28:44] I'll have more parents.

[28:46] Yeah, I can always get parents.

[28:47] I'll go to the parent store.

[28:50] So he's like, it's going to take me time to rebuild this time machine.

[28:53] And Ahmed goes, you have three days.

[28:55] And then you can go back in time and save your parents.

[28:59] Meanwhile, Brant, who's feeling conflicted, I think he left the room after the parents were threatened.

[29:04] He wasn't there when they were killed.

[29:05] But he's sitting in a hallway, and he tells God that it's God's fault for putting him in this position.

[29:09] And he literally says to God, that's on you.

[29:11] And it's like, dude, I don't think so.

[29:14] It's ridiculous for you to just be like, hey, man, I'm a stone-cold killer now.

[29:19] And it's because you put me in this decision, God.

[29:20] I have no free will.

[29:22] I am abdicating free will.

[29:23] This is all on you.

Dan McCoy

[29:25] You know, in a way, it's all on God, which, hmm.

[29:29] Wait a minute.

[29:30] It's all on God.

[29:31] Yeah, it's some real Satan killer's logic right there.

Elliott Kalan

[29:33] Guys, we've got to go fill out the paperwork to get a wire put up on God so we can get the evidence we need to prove it was all on him.

[29:39] We can arrest him and throw him in jail.

[29:42] Do you think God uses a cell phone?

[29:44] Because that would make it a lot easier.

Stuart Wellington

[29:46] It's a flip phone, though.

Elliott Kalan

[29:48] He's behind the times.

[29:50] God, you've got to get with it.

[29:51] He can't even text.

Stuart Wellington

[29:52] Oh, God, you devil.

Elliott Kalan

[29:53] It's ironic because he is literally the word made flesh, but he can't text.

[29:57] Okay, so Ram then explains in, Ram, Space Knight, then explains in, yeah.

[30:04] He explains that, yeah, Moon Knight is a different character, Dan, soon to be on Disney+.

[30:08] So Ram Space Knight is not going to be on Disney+, because Marvel doesn't own the rights of the character.

[30:13] Hasbro does.

[30:14] It does.

Stuart Wellington

[30:15] Only way.

[30:15] Moon Knight is similar to a Space Knight because the moon is in space.

[30:18] That's a good point.

[30:20] That's a good point.

Dan McCoy

[30:20] Moon Knight in space.

[30:23] I get confused all the time.

[30:25] Yeah.

[30:25] Moon Knight is always like, he's always getting space.

Elliott Kalan

[30:27] He's always getting Rum's coffee at Starbucks.

[30:30] They hand it to me.

[30:31] He goes, oh, no, no, I'm Moon Knight, not Space Knight.

[30:33] And they're like, whatever.

[30:34] You know, he's always getting Space Knight's mail.

[30:36] Anyway, and don't even get them started on British Knights, the shoe, which they also get the mail for.

[30:41] So Ram explains in voiceover his favorite method of communication that he secretly reprogrammed the machine while he was pretending to fall asleep at his keyboard, which he thought would bore the guards into making them fall asleep.

[30:55] It is the goofiest thing where he's like, I had to be so boring, the guards would fall asleep, which is not how sleeping works.

[31:03] It's not how humans work.

Stuart Wellington

[31:05] I may have told this story before, but I did a fucking interview once at a job, and I was interviewing this guy.

[31:12] And while I was interviewing him, he kept, like, touching the table where I had a stack of papers that had other resumes.

[31:19] And he, like, slowly teased out another person's resume over the course of the interview and, like, slowly, like, twisted it so he could read it.

[31:28] It was the craziest thing.

[31:29] And I'm like, I can't believe this is still happening.

[31:35] That guy gave him the job.

[31:37] I mean, it was incredible.

[31:38] I'll never know.

[31:39] And you got the job.

Elliott Kalan

[31:40] What stones on this fella?

[31:41] Yeah.

[31:41] And so, and also, he, and the scene of him pretending, typing while he's pretending to sleep is also hilarious.

[31:49] And he, like, reaches, he's falling asleep with his head on the desk.

[31:51] He reaches out with his hand and starts just kind of lightly tapping on the keyboard.

[31:55] And it is, it's amazing.

[31:57] It's when you can't stop posting, you know?

[31:59] Yeah, you just can't.

[32:00] And Ahmed, he forces Ram to test the machine on a guard, and it works.

[32:04] Ahmed's like, you didn't fool us.

[32:05] We knew you weren't really sleeping.

[32:07] So, once again, Ram's Sutterfuge has totally failed.

[32:10] The machine works.

[32:11] He was able to transport this guard using time.

[32:13] And he's like, now I can go back and save my parents.

[32:15] And Ahmed's like, no, I lied.

[32:16] You're not going to do that.

[32:17] Brant, you're going to go back and kill Jesus with this.

[32:19] And Brant's like, that's on God.

[32:21] Everything's on God now.

[32:22] So, I guess God's killing God.

[32:25] And that's when in VO, Ram butts in and says, hey, you shouldn't hate Muslims.

[32:30] Because even though Ahmed's Muslim, he's an extremist.

[32:33] Most Muslims would not want to go back in time and kill Jesus.

[32:35] And that is the one of only two band-aids that we get over the-

[32:38] And the movie, you know, shoots across the screen.

[32:40] Yeah, over this movie where all the villains are Muslims, except for Brant, the only villain

[32:45] to get forgiveness and become a hero at the end.

[32:48] Spoiler alert.

Dan McCoy

[32:48] Well, and then there's the other Muslim who's like, but Jesus was a great prophet.

[32:52] And then, like, the evil guy's like, oh, this will make him even greater, you know,

[32:57] because he wouldn't want to be mistaken for the son of God.

Elliott Kalan

[33:01] He's like, we'll kill him after he preaches.

[33:03] So, he's still a prophet.

[33:04] Okay, get this, listen.

[33:06] But before he gets crucified, so his followers can't inspire a church in his name.

[33:11] So, okay, that's the loophole I've set up where Jesus continues to be a prophet,

[33:15] but he's not what he thinks he's the son of God.

[33:17] As if, like-

Dan McCoy

[33:18] Well, that goes into the other central issue of the movie where it's just like, okay,

[33:25] I'm not going to make- I will take no position on Jesus's divinity, yay or nay,

[33:30] but-

[33:31] Do it, Dan.

[33:32] Do it.

[33:32] It's okay.

[33:33] This is America.

[33:34] You're allowed to say that stuff.

[33:35] I'm going to say nay.

[33:35] But the resurrection is-

[33:36] I'll just say it right now.

Elliott Kalan

[33:37] I am a big no on that one.

[33:39] You know, I'll just go on the record.

Dan McCoy

[33:40] I'm just saying, like, the fact that he is martyred is obviously the central sort of

[33:45] point to the story.

[33:49] And for him to be killed in a different way, I don't think it's necessarily going to change.

[33:55] Like, I would imagine that should he be considered a prophet, the murder would

[34:00] also create a martyrdom and-

Elliott Kalan

[34:02] Probably.

[34:02] Now, you're saying that a man whose superpower is returning from the dead, killing him might

[34:07] not be the best way to stop his-

[34:09] Perhaps.

[34:10] Much as if you were up against Aquaman, you would not try to drown him.

[34:14] That would be an inefficient way to try to stop Aquaman.

Stuart Wellington

[34:16] But man, if you did drown Aquaman, what a stunt.

Elliott Kalan

[34:20] Yeah.

[34:21] That would be crazy.

[34:22] I imagine-

[34:22] That's the kind of thing I imagine where, like, some-

[34:25] It's going to happen to some-

[34:26] There's going to be some, like, some guy who-

Stuart Wellington

[34:27] That's the only way you can gold-

[34:29] The only way you can complete all the challenges in the game is by drowning Aquaman.

Elliott Kalan

[34:34] Well, there's going to be some writer who has a villain like, drown him in acid so it eats

[34:38] his lungs away or something like that.

[34:40] You know, because that's clever.

[34:40] No, no, no.

[34:40] You've got to drown him in water.

[34:42] In real water.

[34:43] So how are you going to do it?

[34:43] How are you going to trick him into not breathing water a thing he can do?

[34:46] I'll figure it out.

[34:47] Okay.

[34:47] You're like, by the way, Aquaman, this isn't water.

[34:49] It's broth.

[34:50] So it's soup broth.

[34:52] So don't try to breathe it.

[34:53] You're going to be killed with the sodium over time.

[34:55] Yeah, exactly.

[34:56] Don't get all that sodium in your blood pressure.

[34:58] You know how bad that is.

[34:59] Yeah, oh, my Atlantean doctor's always on me about my blood pressure.

[35:02] And then he just doesn't breathe and he dies.

[35:04] That's how you get him.

[35:05] Okay, so-

[35:06] But you're right.

[35:06] It is a-

[35:08] So the movie is making the big ask of asking its audience,

[35:12] which assumably believes in the divinity of Christ,

[35:15] asking them to believe that Jesus is in danger of being assassinated.

[35:19] So we cut to, again, the thing that happened to him.

[35:22] That's the thing he's there for.

[35:24] You know, like it's the thing that he-

[35:27] The reason he was created is to do this thing.

[35:29] So, okay, if you believe in the story.

[35:32] 33 AD, it's the Garden of Gethsemane.

[35:35] Brant's team manages to get the drop on Jesus while he's praying.

[35:38] And my favorite part of this is they go, they're looking through night vision,

[35:41] they go, verify target.

[35:42] And through night vision goggles, they see Judas kiss Jesus,

[35:45] and they're like, target verified, which is hilarious.

[35:48] It's great.

[35:49] But the way that they're going to do it the same way that the Romans do it in the story,

[35:53] but also that like nobody kisses except Judas kissing Jesus.

[35:57] That's the only kiss in existence in 33 AD.

[35:59] They shoot Jesus' followers, and Jesus speaks to Brant in English,

[36:03] which Brant doesn't seem to realize until after he's already shot Jesus to death.

Dan McCoy

[36:08] Yeah, he's not too quick on the uptake.

Elliott Kalan

[36:09] Yeah, no.

[36:11] There's a number of characters who are like, wait, are you speaking English to me?

[36:14] Which is, I think, the first thing you would notice.

Stuart Wellington

[36:17] Yeah, and when Brant has him dead to rights, he's like,

[36:20] I'm going to kill you to prove you're not a god.

[36:22] He's like, unless I allow it.

[36:23] And he's like, no, no, no, you can't do that.

[36:25] He's like, don't do it.

Elliott Kalan

[36:26] Don't get in my head like that.

[36:28] It's the opposite of Planet of the Apes, where Charlton Heston's like,

[36:33] I was on Earth the whole time, and it was like, well, everyone's speaking English, dude.

[36:36] Like, did you just think the apes happened to evolve the same language you did?

[36:40] Come on, guy.

[36:41] Alex, make sure to throw in a little spoiler alert sound effect before Elliot drops that fucking true thumb on everyone.

[36:46] For Planet of the Apes, a movie that celebrates its 53rd anniversary this year, I think.

[36:51] The movie whose DVD box cover gives away the ending of the movie.

[36:56] But I'm the asshole, sure.

[36:58] I'm the P-O-T-A asshole, sure.

[37:00] But getting back.

[37:01] If you land on Planet of the Assholes, look for me.

[37:04] I'm the mayor of the place.

[37:05] Mayor of a planet.

[37:06] Doesn't make sense.

[37:07] But neither does Mayor of Easttown.

[37:09] Dan can, oh, so they return to 2029 with Jesus' body.

Dan McCoy

[37:11] Well, no, I just want to say, Brant, like, when Brant shoots Jesus in the head, it really,

[37:16] I mean, I can't remember exactly what he says, but it is like one stop short of like,

[37:21] this is for my wife and daughter.

[37:24] You know?

[37:24] I think he may say that.

[37:25] Yeah, I think he says that.

[37:26] Personally, like, he's like, now you know how it fuels God.

[37:32] I shot Jesus.

[37:33] Like, that's basic.

[37:34] Like, it is that overhurt.

[37:36] And I just think it's hilarious.

[37:37] Mike, you took my family.

Elliott Kalan

[37:38] I'm taking your family.

[37:39] I'm doing the same thing the Saint of Killers did in Preacher.

[37:42] Exactly.

[37:43] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[37:43] Well, and I think it's hilarious that he has such a literal-minded revenge scheme against

[37:49] God.

[37:50] Like, you took my kids.

[37:51] It would be better if he yelled at the skies.

Elliott Kalan

[37:53] Who's got kids now, God?

[37:55] Not you.

[37:56] And I for two eyes.

[37:58] Because I had two kids.

[37:59] God, can you have another kid so I can kill it to even the scales?

[38:02] Because right now you're still up on me by one kid.

Dan McCoy

[38:04] You know, considering the martyrdom element of it, I just thought, like, do you think it

[38:13] would be more effective if Brant just went back and threw, like, a cream pie at Jesus

[38:16] to make him look ridiculous?

[38:18] It would make him look sillier.

[38:19] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[38:21] But we do live in a timeline where the single most ridiculous man in the world became president

[38:28] for four years and continues to be a figure of nostalgia for many.

Stuart Wellington

[38:33] And is partially deified by people.

Elliott Kalan

[38:36] Yeah, he is the God or Emperor of Warhammer at this point, right?

[38:39] You know?

Stuart Wellington

[38:40] Yeah, I mean, when Ben Garrison has the pen.

Elliott Kalan

[38:43] Now, so this is a tangent.

[38:46] I was watching Fury Road last night.

[38:48] My wife had never seen it.

[38:49] We finally watched it together.

[38:50] Sure.

[38:50] And I was loving it the whole time.

[38:51] And then at the end, I forgot Steve Mnuchin is one of the executive producers on it.

[38:55] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[38:56] And my wife Daniel was like, very ironic, though, since the movie is essentially about

[39:00] a Trump figure before Trump who, you know, gets his face ripped off, much like Trump did

[39:05] in that final card chase when Charlize Theron ripped Trump's face off after the election

[39:10] was over.

[39:10] You remember that?

[39:11] Anyway.

[39:11] Yeah.

[39:13] So anyway, back to 2029.

[39:16] Ram tells his coworkers that changing the past doesn't instantly change the future.

[39:21] The future has to be rewritten like a hard drive, which takes time.

[39:24] Like a sign of thunder.

[39:26] Yeah.

[39:26] We don't know where he's getting this idea, except maybe from the movie Sound of Thunder.

[39:30] I would think that the timeline would change instantly.

[39:32] That time does not work like a computer.

[39:34] But maybe we all live in a simulation.

[39:35] Elon Musk says so.

[39:36] And he shot a truck into space.

[39:38] So who knows?

Dan McCoy

[39:39] So you've got to believe him.

[39:41] You've got to believe him.

[39:42] Who are you going to trust?

[39:43] Me or a guy shot a truck into space?

[39:45] Every now and then I'm like, I don't know about that.

Elliott Kalan

[39:47] And my son goes, did you shoot a truck into space?

[39:49] I go, no.

[39:50] Do you have a three-person submarine that you offered, but it wasn't really that helpful

[39:53] to save some kids?

[39:54] No, I don't.

[39:56] So they're like, we still have time to go back and save Jesus before the timeline gets

[40:01] overwritten.

[40:01] They go back to the night of 33 AD to stop Brandt, but they're too late.

[40:05] They see the attack and Ram is like, what's the best thing to do?

[40:08] We'll split into two teams.

[40:09] They have no plan beyond that.

[40:11] He just says, we'll split into two teams.

[40:12] And then I guess they're going to figure it out.

[40:14] He gives them the default code for their time retriever bracelets.

[40:17] I forgot to mention, the way you time travel is you go in the transporter, but you wear

[40:21] a bracelet that's keyed into your time so you can return back to when you came from.

[40:26] And these time retriever bracelets-

[40:27] It's like a little step counter bracelet.

[40:29] Yeah, exactly.

[40:30] A little Fitbit.

[40:31] It's a little Apple Watch, you know, except actually much bigger than any of those things.

[40:35] It's unwieldy to wear.

[40:36] Yeah.

[40:37] He sets their time-

Dan McCoy

[40:38] Oh, I'm sorry.

[40:39] Can you make a smaller time travel device?

[40:41] I'm wrong.

Elliott Kalan

[40:42] I've never done it.

[40:43] I can't do that.

[40:44] I've never sent a truck into space.

[40:46] I've never pretended to be asleep and then tapped out time travel code on a keyboard.

[40:51] I've never done those things.

[40:53] So I didn't ace that test that Ram aced, that he was the only one who's ever aced in

[40:57] the history of testing.

[40:58] Ram has them split into two teams, him and Amy, and Felix and Simon.

[41:02] And he says, I'm going to set your time travel bracelets so that'll go to 10 minutes before

[41:06] my parents died, because I don't want to have more time than that to try to save them.

[41:09] 10 minutes should be all it needs.

[41:11] Should we set it to go back two days beforehand?

[41:14] You can call the NSA and alert them to Ahmed?

[41:19] No, no, no.

[41:19] I just need 10 minutes.

[41:20] That's all I need.

[41:21] It's a stupid amount of time to set as your default.

[41:23] It's so dumb.

[41:25] So Amy and Ram teleport back to-

Stuart Wellington

[41:27] 10 minutes just flies.

[41:28] Like you think with 10 minutes, you're like, I got plenty of time.

[41:31] And then you're like, oh, wait, maybe I should go pee.

[41:33] Oh, I need to pour myself a hot cup of coffee.

[41:36] Oh, no.

[41:36] It's never enough time.

[41:37] I spilled the coffee on my pants.

[41:37] I now have to change my pants.

Elliott Kalan

[41:39] I'm always like, I'll drive there and I'll set it so I get there 10 minutes early.

[41:42] It's fine.

[41:43] Oh, parking.

[41:44] Oh, why didn't I allow for more time for parking?

[41:47] You know?

[41:47] Yeah.

[41:47] So guys, this is what I'm going to call a FHPT, a Flophouse Pro Tip.

[41:52] If you ever need to go back in time to save someone, give yourself more than 10 minutes.

[41:56] It's just not going to be enough time.

[41:58] Okay.

[41:58] So they show up back in 2029, but they actually did get more time because they realized they

[42:03] arrived an hour earlier because of daylight savings time.

[42:05] This is a plot device that doesn't matter.

[42:07] It doesn't make any sense.

[42:09] There's no reason for it.

[42:11] They're trying to get the old transporter from Lab 19 to work and they recode their bracelets.

[42:16] Meanwhile, Amy is like, we're an hour up beforehand.

[42:18] I know what I can do.

[42:19] And knowing that at that point in the past, which is also their future, she was looking

[42:24] at the security videos trying to find RAM.

[42:26] She looks at the security camera and sends a sign language message to herself explaining

[42:31] the whole scenario.

[42:33] And herself in the past does not seem creeped out at all to see herself on a security camera

[42:38] video talking to her.

[42:40] She takes it totally in stride.

Stuart Wellington

[42:41] And then security guys burst into the room and like blast them down with guns.

[42:45] Yeah, and they kill both Ram and Amy.

[42:46] She sees that and then she sees herself get gunned down.

Elliott Kalan

[42:49] This is the first of at least three times when Amy gets shot to death.

[42:53] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[42:54] Yeah.

[42:54] And this is also the point in the movie where I'm like, wow, this movie cares a lot more

[42:58] about time travel mechanics than I was expecting out of this time travel shoot Jesus Christian

[43:04] thriller.

Elliott Kalan

[43:04] For a movie that's essentially about how Jesus is the Lord, they do a pretty good job

[43:09] of not keeping the time travel mechanics straight, but setting up a situation where there are multiple versions

[43:14] of people running around and stuff like that.

[43:16] Yeah.

[43:16] Which is harder to do than it seems.

[43:18] I also mentioned by accident that Ram and Amy's couple name is Ramey.

[43:21] And do you think they're more like Sam Ramey or Ted Ramey?

Stuart Wellington

[43:24] That's a good question, Dan.

[43:27] What about Ramey Malick?

Elliott Kalan

[43:29] That's actually a good point.

[43:31] It doesn't sound like their names smashed together.

[43:33] I mean, what about him?

[43:34] The guy can act when there's big teeth in his mouth.

[43:36] So, you know, I can't do that.

[43:38] I've never shot a truck into space.

[43:39] You can't shot a truck.

[43:40] I've never acted with huge teeth in my face.

[43:42] I've never been able to do it.

[43:45] You're halfway to a song.

Dan McCoy

[43:47] Never shot a truck into space.

[43:48] Never acted with huge teeth in my face.

[43:50] Just keep going.

Elliott Kalan

[43:51] I'm almost there.

[43:53] And the song is called I Never.

[43:55] And it's just a list song, you know.

[43:56] Oh, okay.

[43:57] Wow.

[43:57] Yeah.

[43:58] Those are hot right now.

[43:59] Yeah.

[43:59] But I've always been in love with you.

[44:01] You can play a drinking game a long time.

[44:02] I've never done this.

[44:03] I've never done this.

[44:04] But I've always been in love with you.

[44:05] That's the way it goes.

[44:06] Yeah.

[44:06] That's the way it goes.

[44:07] Killed it.

[44:07] Yeah.

[44:08] Yeah.

[44:08] Anyway, so back to 30.

[44:09] Oh, Amy is late.

Dan McCoy

[44:11] Anyway, so if any listener wants to write that song.

Stuart Wellington

[44:12] And it's great because you can swap out one of the lines to be like, I never played a

[44:17] song in Dallas, Texas, the greatest city in the world.

[44:19] Yeah.

[44:19] And they're all like, ah.

[44:20] Cheers.

Elliott Kalan

[44:21] And they're like, you're in Austin.

[44:22] And I'm like, um.

[44:24] Let's do Dallas more to keep up with the bit.

Stuart Wellington

[44:26] That's the problem is when you're on the road, those cities just start to all blend together

[44:31] and you're going through a bottle of whiskey every night.

[44:34] Yeah.

[44:34] It's just a mess.

[44:35] It's rough.

[44:35] I remember it from our old touring days.

Elliott Kalan

[44:37] I just have the one song.

[44:39] So the concert is like.

[44:40] Oh, it's a hit.

[44:41] It's a huge hit.

[44:41] And the concert is only five minutes long because I just have the one song.

[44:45] And the song's runtime is four minutes, 19 seconds, not even 420.

[44:48] I couldn't even stretch the song enough for the joke.

[44:50] And so I just go out on stage and I play that one song 50 times.

[44:56] And then I have to.

[44:57] And then I get off the stage.

[44:58] So I do that night after night.

[44:59] And so it's slowly driving.

[45:00] Not even slowly driving me mad.

[45:01] By night three, I'm insane.

[45:03] So anyway.

[45:04] Yeah.

[45:05] So past Amy now knows enough to save past Ram.

[45:08] She does.

[45:09] They all jump into the transporter.

[45:11] We're back to 33 AD.

[45:12] Remember Felix and Simon, how they got left there?

[45:14] They're trying to return to the future.

[45:16] But Felix's bracelet, his bracelet works and he immediately gets captured.

[45:20] Simon's bracelet doesn't.

[45:21] And he's stuck in 33 AD.

[45:23] Meanwhile, Felix and the bad guys, they experience what it's like to have the timeline rewritten over them.

[45:28] And they end up in a dystopian CGI world in ruins and zombies attack Felix.

[45:33] This will not come into play again until literally the last 25 seconds of the movie.

[45:37] So don't worry about it.

[45:39] But Felix is dead having been eaten by zombies in a dystopian future.

[45:42] Back to 33 AD.

[45:43] What happened to his penguin?

[45:45] We never know.

[45:46] We never know what happened to his stuffed animal penguin.

[45:48] That adorable, hilarious character trait is discarded much like he is as a character.

[45:54] 33 AD again.

[45:56] The second of our team of heroes now arrives.

[45:59] They attack Brant's team.

[46:00] They got their right before him.

[46:01] And just using sticks that they stick into the transporter area.

[46:05] So I guess that they materialize around a stick in their body, which must be incredibly painful.

[46:10] They manage to kill everyone but Brant and Sabir.

[46:12] They are just going all out killing these guys.

[46:16] Amy gets shot but demands Ram leave her to go save Jesus.

[46:19] He takes off all of his clothes except his boxers to make a turn again.

[46:24] Yeah, he's got to stanch the blood.

Dan McCoy

[46:27] But he does it by taking off his pants.

[46:30] And I guess like his undershirt.

[46:32] But I think he has some shirt on until later on when he gets torn off.

[46:35] I can't remember.

Elliott Kalan

[46:36] So he puts a lab coat that he found on.

[46:38] So he's wearing a lab coat and boxers.

[46:40] And he's got those big white boxers.

[46:41] And now this is all set up for a Bible Easter egg that will pay off hugely.

[46:47] But it's like – it was funny to me.

[46:49] He takes off his shirt for the tourniquet and I was like, something for the ladies.

[46:51] And he started taking his pants off and I was like, too much for the ladies.

[46:54] Why are you taking your pants off too?

[46:57] He puts on the lab coat that he picks off.

[46:58] And he gets chased and Peter – and while they're attacking – while Brant is still attacking Jesus, I guess, unless I'm getting this part wrong because it was a little confusing to me.

[47:08] It looks like Peter the Apostle cuts off part of Brant's ear with a sword and Brant drops his gun and runs away.

[47:15] Is that what happened?

[47:16] I think so.

[47:18] I mean, do not look at me.

[47:19] Okay.

[47:20] So the next morning –

[47:21] Ever.

[47:21] It's the next –

[47:22] But you're so handsome.

[47:24] Not in my eyes.

[47:25] I know.

[47:25] That's my curse.

[47:26] My curse is I'm super –

[47:28] He's a reverse Medusa.

[47:30] Which is that he gets turned to stone if anyone looks at him.

[47:33] Yeah.

[47:33] Because he's too handsome for that.

[47:34] What a great way to be a bank robber.

Dan McCoy

[47:36] They make statues of him because he's too handsome.

[47:40] So it's like a metaphorical turning to stone.

[47:42] Oh, I see.

Elliott Kalan

[47:42] Turning to stone.

[47:43] Yeah.

[47:43] That way.

[47:43] His likeness gets turned to stone.

[47:45] If you were a bank robber and you open the door and you go, nobody look at me.

[47:48] If you look at me, I'll turn to stone.

[47:50] It's an affliction I have.

[47:51] Nobody look at me.

[47:52] And you're just taking all the money and putting it in a sack.

[47:53] Nobody look at me.

[47:55] I'm merely filling out a deposit slip.

[47:57] Now I'm leaving.

[47:58] Goodbye.

[47:58] And they're like, all the money's gone.

[47:59] Who did it?

[48:00] We don't know.

[48:00] We didn't see him.

[48:01] And even the security camera was like, I want to be polite and swiveled away so that it

[48:05] wouldn't see him.

[48:05] So anyway, the next morning, Simon's been stuck there overnight and he is annoyed.

[48:09] He does not like being stuck in biblical times overnight.

[48:12] Guys, we can all relate to that.

[48:14] I know.

[48:15] I hate – I know.

[48:16] When I was a kid and I had to wait longer for my mom to pick me up from school, I hated

[48:20] it.

[48:20] So imagine –

[48:20] Wait, that happened to you?

[48:21] It happened to me too.

Stuart Wellington

[48:23] What?

[48:23] Yeah.

[48:24] It happened to me too.

Elliott Kalan

[48:24] Yes.

[48:25] My mom was late picking me up all the time.

[48:26] So imagine that scenario except it's not just your mom being late.

[48:30] It's a time travel machine.

[48:31] And you're not just at school.

[48:32] You're in 33 AD.

Dan McCoy

[48:34] So –

[48:34] Yeah, well, I don't really like camping.

[48:36] So just like the sleeping outdoors, you know, I wouldn't care for this at all.

[48:40] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[48:40] And there's no bathrooms.

[48:42] There's nowhere to get any food to eat.

Stuart Wellington

[48:44] Yeah, I was going to say, like when you're camping, you usually have supplies and stuff

[48:47] and he doesn't have any of those things.

Elliott Kalan

[48:49] Yeah, he is naked and afraid except he is fully clothed and he's not afraid.

[48:52] He's annoyed.

[48:53] Anyway, so his time retriever, it finally gets it to work but it sends him back to the

[48:57] night before.

[48:58] He bumps into Jesus and talks to him for a while.

[49:01] And Jesus is anguished.

[49:02] I hit it off.

[49:02] Just like the Bible said, Jesus is very anguished knowing that he's probably going to die the

[49:06] next day.

Dan McCoy

[49:06] Well, this is the Garden of Gethsemane story, right?

[49:09] You know it.

Elliott Kalan

[49:10] Yeah, this is when he asks God to take this chalice away from him, right?

[49:14] Take this cup away from me so I don't have to drink from it.

[49:16] And then he finally says, all right, I'll do it.

[49:19] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[49:20] I'm trying to look up the details of the story because –

Elliott Kalan

[49:22] I mostly know it from Jesus Christ Superstar.

Dan McCoy

[49:26] Yeah, I can't do it quickly enough.

Elliott Kalan

[49:28] Why should I die?

[49:29] Would I be more noticed than I ever was before?

[49:34] Would the things I've said and done mattered anymore?

[49:38] Anyway, it's a great song.

[49:39] So he tries to warn Jesus about the crucifixion and Jesus is like, you know what?

[49:44] Knowing that you remember me, that makes me want to go through with it.

[49:48] I get God's plan now.

[49:49] You've inspired me.

[49:50] I will be crucified.

[49:51] And he says, I will remember you.

[49:53] You will remember me.

[49:54] Don't let your life pass you by.

[49:56] And then is this the moment where he says, I'll be back?

[50:02] I think it is.

[50:04] Simon's like, I saw your movie.

[50:06] A lot of bad stuff happens to you.

[50:07] And Jesus goes, it's okay.

[50:08] I'll be back.

[50:09] And Simon goes, that's not even your movie.

[50:10] And it is such a weird joke to put in Jesus' mouth.

[50:13] Especially when like, I guess there's a lot of, there's some Christ imagery with Arnold Schwarzenegger in that movie.

[50:19] But it is the exact opposite of what Jesus would do is what the Terminator does, you know?

[50:24] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[50:25] I like, there are a couple of little movies and moments in this movie where I'm like, okay, that's fun.

[50:29] Like that's fun on its own merits.

[50:32] And I did enjoy Jesus being like, well, then you know, I'll be back.

Elliott Kalan

[50:37] Ram sees a centurion.

[50:38] It's still night.

[50:39] Now it's nighttime again.

[50:40] We're still in that night.

[50:41] Ram sees a centurion, pick up the loose gun.

[50:43] And Ram is like, ah, that'll change the future if there's a gun here.

[50:46] And he runs by and takes it.

[50:48] But his coat gets torn off and his boxers get pulled down.

[50:51] And we see the top of his butt for a moment.

[50:53] And that's something that seems weird, but it's in the Bible, as we'll see.

[50:58] Yeah, so it's okay.

[50:59] It's okay.

[50:59] It's in the Bible.

[51:00] It's exempted, you know.

[51:01] I mean, there's a lot of filthy stuff in the Bible that they could have put in here.

[51:04] Don't I know.

[51:04] We never get to see Bathsheba bathing on a roof.

[51:08] And boy, would I ever.

[51:09] Anyway, so.

[51:13] He runs into Peter the Apostle.

[51:15] And he's like, hey, you were with Jesus, weren't you?

[51:17] And Peter gives Brant his robe to wear.

[51:20] So instead of wearing just his boxers, Brant is now wearing a kind of Bible-y robe.

[51:23] This is Ram, right?

[51:25] Oh, sorry.

[51:25] Ram.

[51:25] Ram or Brant.

[51:26] Ram.

[51:26] I'm sorry.

[51:27] He gives Ram his.

[51:27] Sorry.

[51:28] You should.

[51:28] Don't name your characters Ram and Brant.

[51:29] The only thing worse is if your characters are named Ted and Tim and the daughters are named

[51:33] Tina and Tabitha.

[51:34] Too many Ts.

[51:35] And this coming from a guy who has two Ts in his name.

[51:37] So.

[51:37] Yeah.

[51:38] Yeah.

[51:38] In 2029, meanwhile, Ahmed's scientists are like, I'll just shut off their retriever bracelets

[51:44] from here so that they can't come back.

[51:46] So Amy is stranded and dying in Bible times.

[51:50] Brant and Sabir disguise themselves as villagers and go into a market that you have to imagine

[51:54] is a Renfest most of the time.

[51:56] Uh-huh.

[51:56] And they kind of set, everyone's wearing robes, so it's the Bible now.

[52:00] And for no reason.

[52:01] Doesn't Sabir steal a tomato?

[52:03] He steals a fruit.

[52:04] And the guy's like.

[52:04] And Brant's like, don't do that.

[52:05] He says it's a tomato.

[52:06] And he goes, it's just a tomato.

[52:07] And it's like, they didn't have tomatoes.

[52:09] Like, tomatoes are a new world fruit.

[52:11] Like, there's, they don't, they didn't have that then.

[52:13] But, and what's weird about it is they're, all he had to say was, it's just a date.

[52:18] That's something they had then.

[52:19] It's in the Bible.

[52:20] But instead they say tomatoes.

[52:22] They get arrested.

[52:23] They get knocked out by some centurions.

[52:25] I mean, Brant shoots one, I think.

[52:26] A saturian takes their gun and one of their time retrievers.

[52:29] The other time retriever is dropped and picked up by a woman in kind of blue robes, right?

[52:33] Who could this be?

[52:34] Hmm.

[52:35] Well, if you know your Renaissance painting, you know that's Mary.

[52:38] So, uh, hours later.

[52:41] Which Mary?

[52:42] I'm not sure.

[52:42] I don't know if it's, if it's Mary Magdalene or if it's Jesus' mom.

[52:45] It is not cleared up.

[52:46] I don't know my Renaissance paintings that well.

[52:48] So, hours later.

[52:50] Crisis.

[52:51] The painting of her holding a time retriever bracelet.

[52:54] Yeah.

[52:54] There's that famous painting in the Uffizi Gallery of Mary holding a time retriever bracelet.

[52:59] Being like, what's this?

[53:00] I'll pick it up.

[53:01] Sure.

[53:03] What I like is, uh...

Dan McCoy

[53:04] And then her appearing in the middle of a basketball court.

[53:09] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[53:09] And saying, throw me the rock.

[53:11] Throw me the rock.

[53:11] And then she's just dunking.

[53:13] Dunking.

[53:14] And then Mary got busy.

[53:15] They call it the Immaculate Reception.

[53:17] Yeah.

[53:18] But anyway.

[53:18] Oh, wow.

[53:19] Because she catches it.

[53:19] That's a football thing, but you know what I mean.

[53:21] Yeah, that's close enough.

[53:22] Yeah.

[53:23] They call it the Immaculate Dunkception.

[53:25] Okay.

[53:25] And now she's signing endorsement deals.

[53:27] She's playing with LeBron on the same team.

[53:30] And they're like, it's a miracle team.

[53:32] LeBron and the Virgin Mary.

[53:34] This is...

[53:34] How far are they going to go?

[53:35] The weird thing?

[53:36] Yeah.

[53:37] They don't win the championship.

[53:38] They don't get that ring.

[53:39] Oh.

[53:39] Strange, huh?

[53:40] No.

[53:40] Yeah.

[53:41] So anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[53:42] It's probably, you know, like teamwork and synergy and stuff.

[53:45] No, you know why?

[53:45] Because...

[53:46] You have too many, you know, big figures.

Elliott Kalan

[53:48] Not right.

[53:48] That's not what happened.

[53:49] It doesn't work out.

[53:49] No.

[53:49] I mean, there is tension between the two of them because there can only be one star on each

[53:52] team.

[53:53] He's the king.

[53:54] Yeah, yeah.

[53:54] And she is the mother of the king of kings.

[53:55] So it's a lot of competition.

[53:57] Yeah.

[53:57] But what happens is during the final game, they get picked up by the Looney Tunes.

[54:02] They got to go play against Algie Rhythm.

[54:04] So LeBron and the Virgin Mary are now playing against Algie Rhythm.

[54:08] And the Virgin Mary is like, look at all these Warner Brothers IP characters that are watching

[54:12] us play.

[54:12] All my favorite characters.

[54:14] Pennywise is here.

[54:15] Baby Jane.

[54:16] This is amazing.

[54:18] And LeBron's like, get your head in the game.

[54:20] My son's life is on the line.

[54:21] And the Virgin Mary is like, can I just go get Mr. Freeze's autograph?

[54:24] And LeBron's like, after the game.

[54:26] After the game, Mary.

[54:28] So it's difficult.

[54:30] It's hard.

[54:30] When you're running a basketball team, it's hard to have two superstars on the level of

[54:34] LeBron James and the Virgin Mary.

Stuart Wellington

[54:35] It's really wild that Mr. Freeze doesn't go by Dr. Freeze, right?

[54:38] Because he's a doctor.

Elliott Kalan

[54:39] I don't know if he has his doctorate.

[54:41] He might be Professor Freeze.

Stuart Wellington

[54:42] You know.

[54:43] Oh, I guess that makes sense.

[54:44] He feels like titles are elitist.

[54:45] Yeah.

[54:46] That's also possible.

Elliott Kalan

[54:47] Well, the weird thing is when you call him Mr. Freeze and go, Mr. Freeze lives in Florida.

[54:51] I'm Jeff Freeze.

[54:52] Yeah.

[54:52] You're like, oh, I get it.

[54:54] Jeffree's.

[54:54] Oh, Jeffree's.

[54:55] Yeah, that's hilarious.

[54:56] But it's an even worse pun.

[54:57] And he's like, hmm.

[54:58] And that's the worst Batman pun.

[55:00] And Edward Nygma says, I beg to differ.

Stuart Wellington

[55:04] Yeah, yeah.

[55:04] Arley Quinn season three.

[55:06] If you need writers, he got us ready.

Elliott Kalan

[55:09] So anyway, hours later, Jesus is going through the stations of the cross.

[55:13] And Simon has a front row seat.

[55:15] He's like, and he's like, why are you doing this to yourself?

[55:18] And Jesus gets knocked down, but he gets up again.

[55:20] Nobody can knock him down.

[55:21] He was the original Chumbawamba.

[55:23] And Simon helps him stand and carry his cross.

[55:27] Ram asks some weeping ladies for a doctor to help Amy.

[55:31] And since they don't understand English, they just take him to see Jesus crucified.

[55:34] And it's almost like they're saying, we've got problems too, buddy.

[55:37] Like, look, we don't have time to help you find a doctor.

[55:40] My son has nails through his hands.

Dan McCoy

[55:43] Brent.

[55:43] I mean, I believe this is a reference to that.

[55:45] He was known as a doctor in the sense of like, the metaphorical sense, right?

[55:50] Like, that's the idea.

[55:51] I think that they misunderstand him.

[55:52] He was like a, I guess so.

Elliott Kalan

[55:54] Because a doctor was just any learned man, right?

[55:56] Yeah.

[55:58] I guess he was a healer.

[55:59] I believe this is.

[55:59] Oh, you know what?

[56:00] It's because he's famous for healing.

[56:01] That's why they did it.

[56:02] But it's almost like they're like.

[56:03] Yeah, that's probably it.

[56:03] But he's crucified.

[56:05] So it's like they're like, hey, office is closed.

[56:07] He's retired now.

[56:08] No more healing.

[56:09] Yeah.

[56:10] Sorry.

Dan McCoy

[56:11] You just missed him.

Elliott Kalan

[56:13] Yes.

[56:13] Oh, the hours are over.

[56:16] But then who's crucified on either side of him?

[56:19] Brent and Sabir.

[56:20] They're the thieves from the Bible that were crucified on either side of Jesus.

[56:24] And Ram is begging Jesus to heal Amy.

[56:27] And Jesus says, if you want to save Amy, you've got to forgive Brant.

[56:31] And Ram is like, no fucking way, Jesus.

[56:33] Pardon my language.

[56:34] And Brant says, they deserve this.

[56:38] We stole a tomato.

[56:39] We should be crucified.

[56:40] And Jesus forgives him and says, you'll be in paradise with me.

[56:43] And this makes Ram so mad.

[56:45] And he starts calling Jesus a fraud.

[56:47] And Simon meets up with him, finds Ram and Amy, and they see an eclipse.

[56:50] And this is my favorite line in the movie.

[56:52] Simon says, all this historical stuff is incredibly accurate.

[56:56] Which is such a funny thing for him to say.

[57:01] Both because what he's saying is, this movie is great.

[57:04] It's so accurate.

[57:04] And also he's like, yeah, this proves all the stuff in the Bible is true.

[57:08] We're seeing it happen in this movie.

[57:10] Yeah, yeah.

[57:15] But it's so funny.

Dan McCoy

[57:17] It's not really a historical text.

[57:20] I don't know.

[57:20] I saw Black Easter.

Stuart Wellington

[57:23] Say what you will about the movie, but they put in the work.

Elliott Kalan

[57:27] Now that the divinity of Christ has been proven by the film Black Easter,

[57:30] which showed that the historical stuff is accurate,

[57:33] we have no choice but to make Israel into a Christian nation.

[57:36] We did it, everybody.

[57:38] So they argue about Jesus for a little bit.

[57:42] Let's get back to 2029.

[57:43] Sabir's gun and his retriever arrived because the Centurion accidentally hit a button or something.

[57:48] And Ahmed is like, I'm going to use this.

[57:50] Okay.

[57:51] He's like, okay, blue skying here, brainstorming.

[57:53] Obviously the mission went awry.

[57:56] I don't think Brant sent us the gun and retriever as a way of saying,

[57:58] mission accomplished, I love it here, I'm staying.

[58:01] I don't think that's the scenario.

[58:02] I'm putting myself in Brant's head.

[58:04] Brant was probably hurt.

[58:05] He's probably crucified.

[58:06] Maybe he's the thief that's on the other side of Jesus.

[58:08] Again, I'm just blue skying here.

[58:09] It could be anything, folks.

[58:10] He says, here's my plan.

[58:11] I'm going to go back personally.

[58:13] I'm going to go to Jesus' tomb.

[58:15] I'm going to kill his followers so they can't spread the word about him coming back.

[58:19] And what I think is funny about that is that he's like, it's possible Jesus will come back,

[58:23] but if there's no one there to see it, it's not going to get recorded.

[58:26] Because if Jesus is resurrected in a forest and there's no one there to see it, did it even

[58:29] really happen?

[58:31] Ahmed is like, the Bible goes by the first commandment.

[58:34] Picks or it didn't happen.

[58:35] So if there's no one there to report it, Jesus will just be like, well, I guess that's it.

[58:40] No one will build my church.

[58:41] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[58:41] And at this point also, he's buying into the possibility of the resurrection himself.

[58:46] Like, it seems like the first thing he should have done with that time machine is go back,

[58:51] see if Jesus actually did get resurrected and be like, okay, you know, yay or nay on that

[58:57] religion.

[58:57] Like, I feel either justified or not justified in trying to tear down Christianity.

Elliott Kalan

[59:03] It would literally be the most important news story in the history of humanity if they were

[59:08] like, we got it, proof of the resurrection.

[59:09] That's the true thing.

[59:11] We should all be doing it.

[59:12] Like, that's what we should do now.

[59:14] But it reminds me of there's a story.

[59:16] If someone, if a listener can help me find this story, there's a science fiction story

[59:19] that was an issue of Asimov science fiction 25 years ago when I was a teenager, where these

[59:24] people have developed a technology where they can see back in time.

[59:27] But the farther you go, the less accurate it gets because you might be seeing a parallel

[59:33] timeline.

[59:34] So they look back and they find the death of some Roman soldiers in a battle.

[59:39] And there's two of them.

[59:40] And when they dig out the bodies, there's three of them.

[59:42] You know, they saw a similar but alternate timeline.

[59:44] And the scientists use it to go back and look at the resurrection.

[59:47] And they see it.

[59:49] He was resurrected.

[59:51] That's proof.

[59:51] And then he goes back and looks again.

[59:52] And in this timeline that he sees a second time, Jesus is not resurrected.

[59:56] He remains dead.

[59:57] And the scientists can't function in a universe where salvation is possible or not possible.

[1:00:04] And you won't know for sure.

[1:00:05] Anyway, it was a story that really made an impression on me.

[1:00:07] So if anyone can find it, let me know.

[1:00:09] Again, look in Asimov science fiction sometime between the years 1993 and 2000.

[1:00:14] So anyway, I'm not going to look.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:16] So one thing I like about these time bracelets, because this is when Ahmed goes back in time to Jesus's tomb, right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:23] And Stu, you're a jewelry guy to begin with.

[1:00:25] I see that diamond Furby around your neck.

[1:00:27] You just love male jewelry.

[1:00:29] So you love these bracelets, man, too.

[1:00:31] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:31] Yeah.

[1:00:32] I'm all about that.

[1:00:32] And what I love is that in addition to being a great style choice, they're very good at, like, finding the right location, right?

[1:00:41] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:42] They don't take you to the exact same location.

[1:00:43] They take you to the place the plot is happening.

[1:00:46] There's like a plot locator chip that takes you where you need to go.

[1:00:49] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:49] Like, he manages to pinpoint inside Jesus's tomb.

[1:00:52] That's wild.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:53] It's pretty amazing.

[1:00:56] So he goes to the tomb.

[1:00:59] He decides to take a DNA sample from Jesus's body, which is a motivation we have never heard from him before.

[1:01:04] And he's dropping glow sticks everywhere to illuminate this cave.

[1:01:09] The old saying, take only pictures and leave only footprints.

[1:01:12] He's never heard it, because he's taking DNA samples and leaving glow sticks everywhere.

[1:01:17] And meanwhile, Rand.

[1:01:17] It's like a fair trade.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:19] I mean, I think finding the right lighting solution for a space is pretty important.

[1:01:23] Yeah, I guess that's true.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:25] You've got to have just enough light.

[1:01:26] Which is neon green.

[1:01:27] You need that neon green to imprint his face onto the shroud that has been wrapped around him so that it can go to Turin.

[1:01:34] So here's also the thing is, Ram is that morning is perplexed by the mystery of forgiveness.

[1:01:39] And Amy is like, take me to see the resurrection.

[1:01:42] This means Amy has been lingering for like three days, right?

[1:01:45] Yeah.

[1:01:45] Because wasn't it three days later that he came back?

[1:01:47] That's the whole deal.

[1:01:48] So they've just been hanging out for three days, not trying to get back to their own time, I assume.

[1:01:53] Has Ahmed been hanging out in that tomb for three days?

[1:01:55] We don't see any empty like Pepperidge Farm cookie wrappers.

[1:01:58] So he wasn't snacking while he was there.

[1:01:59] Yeah.

[1:02:00] There's no like goldfish little 100 calorie fun packs, you know.

[1:02:04] Yeah.

[1:02:05] So it's resurrection morning.

[1:02:07] The label, the identifier on the screen says resurrection morning.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:10] You guys are going back in time to make sure Jesus doesn't resurrect.

[1:02:14] What snacks are you bringing?

[1:02:15] You bringing trail mix?

[1:02:16] You bringing jerky?

[1:02:17] What are we talking?

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:18] Well, yeah, I mean.

[1:02:19] You got to have something with a lot of energy, you know.

[1:02:21] A lot of energy, but it's not going to make you want to poop.

[1:02:23] Because if you have to go poop and you miss the resurrection, you're going to be so mad.

[1:02:28] Yeah.

[1:02:28] So you're thinking cheese?

[1:02:30] Yeah.

[1:02:30] Something to bind you up.

[1:02:31] Probably a block of cheddar cheese like you would get in the store.

[1:02:34] And you're not even cutting pieces off.

[1:02:36] You're just taking bites out of it.

[1:02:38] Wow.

[1:02:38] Yeah.

[1:02:38] Okay.

[1:02:39] And you want to eat it fast.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:40] That's evidence that you are not planning on sharing it.

[1:02:42] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:43] Very much so.

[1:02:45] And you want to eat it fast because it's going to really dry out in that Mediterranean, Middle Eastern heat.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:51] Although cheese is better, you know, the flavors come out at room temperature.

[1:02:56] Yeah, yeah.

[1:02:57] But if it's not too long.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:58] Wash it down with a nice hot cup of tomato juice.

[1:03:00] Well, that's it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:02] You're going to want to bring a can of tomato juice and also like a burner stove with a propane tank so you can really heat it up.

[1:03:08] See, and if possible, you might want to just take that cheddar cheese chunk and just put it in the tomato soup while it's –

[1:03:14] Oh, okay.

[1:03:14] While it's – tomato juice while it's heating so it melts together.

[1:03:17] So you get kind of like a melted cheddar tomato juice stew.

[1:03:21] Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[1:03:22] And then you can just drink it on down.

[1:03:24] Don't make it too hot because then you'll go, ow, when it burns your tongue and that'll wake up Jesus too early.

[1:03:28] And you're not going to be ready.

[1:03:29] Yeah.

[1:03:30] Uh-huh.

[1:03:30] Because Jesus has got to catch those Zs.

[1:03:32] You know when he was in that tomb, he hit the snooze button a couple times.

[1:03:35] He was like, resurrection, give me three more days.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:38] Wow, just his little – this is his routine.

[1:03:41] Yeah.

[1:03:43] Resurrection chunk of his –

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:45] Yeah, when I do my stand-up act at churches, I do like, you know Jesus was like, oh, give me just one more day dead.

[1:03:52] I'm not – I don't want to go to school, dad.

[1:03:54] Anyway.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:55] It feels like I slept on rock.

[1:03:57] My back.

[1:03:59] Oh, boy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:59] Yeah.

[1:04:00] How long was I dead for?

Dan McCoy

[1:04:01] Someone resurrect my spine.

[1:04:04] Oof.

[1:04:05] Okay.

[1:04:07] I guess we're doing this, huh?

[1:04:08] Dig it in.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:10] Turns out my sleep number is heart.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:17] Only thing I can't care is my sciatica.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:19] I need these backaches like I need two holes in my hands.

[1:04:28] So that's our –

[1:04:30] Okay, well.

[1:04:30] So anyway, that's dad humor.

[1:04:32] That's our blasphemous chunk.

[1:04:33] That's divine dad humor.

[1:04:33] Not for me.

[1:04:34] I can say that stuff.

[1:04:35] So resurrection morning, the earth shakes and Ahmed teleports out of the tomb entrance as the tomb entrance explodes outward, killing two centurions.

[1:04:44] And I wasn't quite sure if the – I mean according to the movie, Jesus is resurrected.

[1:04:49] Does the resurrection cause the cave to explode or is that the teleportation?

[1:04:53] Because Ram is like that looks like a teleport.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:54] Yeah.

[1:04:55] I haven't been to church before, Dan.

[1:04:57] Did it explode because of Jesus?

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:01] Dan, do you want to call your parents who I know have studied divinity?

Dan McCoy

[1:05:06] Jesus exploded.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:07] Back to life.

[1:05:09] Now, is Jesus like the Marvel villain Nitro who can explode his body and then reform it?

[1:05:14] Is that what happened?

[1:05:15] Or is it like cannonball always blasting?

[1:05:17] Because it seems very petty for Jesus whose whole thing is forgiveness to kill the soldiers that are guarding him by blasting them with rock chunks.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:23] I think it is left deliberately sort of unclear at this point because Ram explains it away by being like, hey, that looks like what happens when the time jump happens.

[1:05:39] Can you guys describe what the time stuff looks like?

[1:05:41] They could just jump away.

[1:05:43] It's like a big swirly CGI thing.

[1:05:45] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:45] Imagine – so the teleporting machine from The Prestige where there's like lightning bolts coming out and electricity everywhere.

[1:05:52] Imagine it like that but like a billion times cheaper looking and there's a lot of swirliness.

[1:05:57] Like a lot of swirliness and like lightning and that's how you teleport.

[1:06:01] Anyway, Amy is overjoyed because Jesus is risen.

[1:06:04] Because one, she's seen the resurrection of her God and two, she finally proved her boyfriend wrong and that's worth.

[1:06:13] And as MasterCard says, that's priceless.

[1:06:16] Teleportation bracelets to go back to see Jesus, probably a billion dollars.

[1:06:19] Wait, wait.

[1:06:20] And doesn't Jesus give her a message?

[1:06:22] Getting front row seats to the resurrection, two shekels.

[1:06:24] Proving your boyfriend, Ram, wrong, priceless.

[1:06:28] For some things you can't pay, but for all else there's MasterCard.

[1:06:31] That's what Billy Crudup says anyway.

[1:06:35] So that happens in a little bit.

[1:06:36] So Ram and Simon go in to see it and they decide to clean up all of Ahmed's leftover glow lights that are just scattered everywhere.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:44] They say the line is something like, well, someone from the future was here.

[1:06:48] Look at all these glow sticks.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:50] Yeah.

[1:06:50] Someone from the future was holding a rave in Jesus' tomb, I guess, which would be an amazing place to hold a rave.

[1:06:57] Oh, man.

[1:06:58] You think like most raves are in like East Berlin like warehouses and stuff like that.

[1:07:03] Imagine if you could hold one in Jesus' tomb.

[1:07:05] It's not big, but that's great because you're all on Ian and Molly anyway.

[1:07:08] You want to be packed in tight so you can feel those bodies.

[1:07:10] It's not COVID safe.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:11] It feels like a throw-off line in like a Warren Ellerser Grant Morrison comic.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:16] Oh, you're right.

[1:07:16] Yeah, I held the only rave in Jesus' tomb.

[1:07:19] Yeah, that actually, for now I don't like it anymore.

[1:07:21] You're right.

[1:07:21] You gave me a reason not to like it.

[1:07:23] So Jesus, while they're doing that, Jesus visits Amy as she dies.

[1:07:28] And to be honest, I totally can put myself in her shoes.

[1:07:31] If I was dying and my Lord came and visited me and was like, you're going to be okay.

[1:07:35] That would be the greatest moment in my life.

[1:07:36] Even better than like, I don't know, when my children were born maybe?

[1:07:41] Is that saying too much?

[1:07:43] It would be huge.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:44] What about that time you saw the panel with Tommy Wiseau?

[1:07:47] You always said that was the biggest moment of your life.

[1:07:48] You know what?

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:49] That's number one.

[1:07:50] And my Lord coming to redeem me when I'm dying is number two.

[1:07:54] You're right.

[1:07:55] When I saw Tommy Wiseau speak at Comic-Con.

[1:07:58] Yeah, I think so.

[1:07:59] Yeah.

[1:08:01] Because he was literally hurling t-shirts backhanded over his back into the crowd while saying,

[1:08:06] I'm not trying to steal the spotlight.

[1:08:08] It was the most amazing moment.

[1:08:10] And then he called for the whole room to sing the national anthem with him.

[1:08:13] It was amazing.

[1:08:14] So anyway, Mary walks in with a friend and Simon is like, we can't change history.

[1:08:22] So Ram goes, he has risen with hands full of glow sticks.

[1:08:27] And the Virgin Mary, I assume it's the Virgin Mary, maybe it's Mary Magdalene.

[1:08:31] I don't know.

[1:08:31] This Mary.

[1:08:32] She gives Ram the missing time retriever.

[1:08:34] And Ram has my second favorite line in the movie after all this historical stuff is incredibly accurate.

[1:08:39] Ram says, it's time for my own resurrection, which is ridiculous.

[1:08:44] That is the most blasphemous thing you could possibly say.

[1:08:47] Like, you know what?

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:49] Then he put on David Caruso's sunglasses.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:51] And he went, ow!

[1:08:52] And he went to, yeah, CSI Gethsemane.

[1:08:58] We got four bodies here.

[1:09:00] They were all beaten over the head with a hammer.

[1:09:01] And he goes, looks like someone was feeling a little cross.

[1:09:05] Slips on sunglasses.

[1:09:06] Ow!

[1:09:09] Other Who song.

[1:09:11] Not the one for the main CSI show.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:14] Uh-huh.

[1:09:14] Right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:15] So they both use the time.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:16] So Simon and.

[1:09:17] It's magic bus for some reason.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:19] Or behind blue eyes.

[1:09:20] It's a weird choice.

[1:09:21] So Simon and Ram, they're like, there's only one retriever.

[1:09:24] We could try a double retriever, but it's never been done before.

[1:09:27] It's like, well, no shit, dude.

[1:09:28] Time travel has existed for like a couple days at this point.

[1:09:31] Like, just go for it.

[1:09:33] They return to 2029.

[1:09:34] Simon is immediately shot by the guards.

[1:09:36] He has barely five seconds before he's shot.

[1:09:41] Ram tells Simon as he's dying to believe in Jesus.

[1:09:44] Then he jumps through the transporter.

[1:09:45] Simon, with his last breaths, shoots up the transporter so Ahmed can't follow them.

[1:09:50] And Ahmed kills Simon, which is not much of a silver lining.

[1:09:54] Ram reappears 10 minutes before his parents are killed.

[1:09:58] Then some bad guys appear behind him and they disappear.

[1:10:01] And then another bad guy appears and then disappears.

[1:10:04] And it's like.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:05] It's because they ran through the teleporter without wearing a bracelet.

[1:10:09] It was explained earlier in the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:11] That I did not understand.

[1:10:12] But I thought the bracelet was just to bring you back.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:15] No.

[1:10:15] Apparently, if you go through without like the right thing, you'll just explode.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:20] So it opens up like a portal.

[1:10:23] And if you try and go through the portal without the machine.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:26] I see.

[1:10:27] I think there was a voiceover.

[1:10:28] Okay.

[1:10:28] Maybe that was explained earlier.

[1:10:30] Because I totally did not figure that.

[1:10:31] And I was like.

[1:10:32] Is time being overwritten for everyone except for Ram?

[1:10:34] Because he's just so cool.

[1:10:35] I don't like.

[1:10:36] Yeah.

[1:10:37] And Ram has this look on his face like.

[1:10:38] Here we go again.

[1:10:39] Or like.

[1:10:40] That took long enough.

[1:10:41] Like he is there.

[1:10:42] He's seen his girlfriend die a couple times at this point.

[1:10:45] He is there to try to.

[1:10:46] He has ten minutes to stop his parents being killed.

[1:10:48] But he does take a few moments to roll his eyes at these stupid guards.

[1:10:52] Yep.

[1:10:52] So Ram saves his parents.

[1:10:54] He's still wearing that Bible robe.

[1:10:55] That's how you can tell the difference between him and past Ram.

[1:10:57] He goes after Ahmed in his office.

[1:10:59] But he finds Brant there instead.

[1:11:01] And Ram wants to shoot Brant.

[1:11:03] Because he's seen Brant cause all this.

[1:11:05] Cause this trouble.

[1:11:06] But he.

[1:11:06] And also Brant punched him a bunch of times.

[1:11:08] But he can't bring himself to do it.

[1:11:09] Because he can't get Jesus's words out of his head.

[1:11:12] Oh.

[1:11:13] Yeah.

[1:11:13] If only Jesus hadn't talked to him.

[1:11:15] And Brant gets down on his knees.

[1:11:16] And he says.

[1:11:17] Please kill me.

[1:11:18] Reunite me with my family.

[1:11:19] And Ram is like.

[1:11:20] I'm doing this.

[1:11:21] But I'm doing this for me.

[1:11:23] And he falls to his knees.

[1:11:24] And tearfully forgives Brant.

[1:11:26] And he just.

[1:11:27] He's totally a Christian now.

[1:11:29] He's all about forgiveness.

[1:11:30] Yeah.

[1:11:30] As opposed to these non-Christians.

[1:11:32] We're all about killing people.

[1:11:35] Yeah.

[1:11:36] As we've seen in life.

[1:11:37] Dan.

[1:11:37] Name one Christian who's ever killed someone.

[1:11:39] Can't do it.

[1:11:40] Impossible.

[1:11:40] Never been done.

[1:11:42] So.

[1:11:42] Ram's parents.

[1:11:44] And then.

[1:11:44] For some reason.

[1:11:44] Ram's parents run into their office.

[1:11:46] I don't.

[1:11:46] I guess.

[1:11:47] You always want to protect your child.

[1:11:49] Yeah.

[1:11:49] That makes sense.

[1:11:50] And Ram's dad has a gun.

[1:11:51] I think.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:51] Yeah.

[1:11:52] He's got a gun.

[1:11:53] I'm like.

[1:11:53] Whoa.

[1:11:54] Slow down.

[1:11:55] Ram's dad.

[1:11:56] Yeah.

[1:11:57] And then.

[1:11:58] He's like.

[1:11:58] I've been waiting for something like this to happen.

[1:12:00] Yeah.

[1:12:01] He's like.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:01] I put you into this world.

[1:12:02] I can take you out.

[1:12:03] Ram.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:06] So.

[1:12:07] Ram.

[1:12:07] They all end up in there.

[1:12:08] Sabir.

[1:12:09] Ahmed.

[1:12:09] Amy.

[1:12:09] They all end up in the room.

[1:12:11] Ahmed shoots Ram.

[1:12:12] And then he shoots Ram's dad in the leg.

[1:12:14] And then Ram hears a woman's voice saying.

[1:12:16] Be a hero.

[1:12:17] And Ram prays for God's help.

[1:12:19] But he gets Brant's help instead.

[1:12:21] Brant shoots the bad guys.

[1:12:23] Except for Ahmed.

[1:12:23] Because Ahmed shoots Brant.

[1:12:25] In the spine.

[1:12:26] And he's like.

[1:12:26] I can't feel my legs.

[1:12:28] And.

[1:12:28] Yeah.

[1:12:28] And Ahmed and Ram talk in circles for a while.

[1:12:31] Until Ram just picks that knife up off of Ahmed's desk.

[1:12:33] And stabs him.

[1:12:34] And Ahmed goes.

[1:12:35] Why don't you forgive me?

[1:12:36] And he doesn't.

[1:12:37] He just kills him.

[1:12:39] Yeah.

[1:12:39] The movie.

[1:12:39] And so again.

[1:12:40] The movie.

[1:12:40] It made.

[1:12:41] It really went out of its way to tell us not to hate Muslims earlier.

[1:12:43] But I can't help but notice that all of the Muslims get murdered by the end of the movie.

[1:12:47] Yeah.

[1:12:47] And don't get forgiven.

[1:12:49] And the two police run in.

[1:12:51] Or they're sheriffs or something.

[1:12:52] Yeah.

[1:12:52] And Brant goes.

[1:12:53] These guys are all terrorists.

[1:12:55] And they're like.

[1:12:55] That's all we needed to hear.

[1:12:57] And they just start shooting the guards.

[1:12:58] Like.

[1:12:59] Right off the bat.

[1:13:00] Like.

[1:13:01] That's all they need to do.

[1:13:01] They belong to the same club as Ram's dad.

[1:13:03] And they might as well just be shouting.

[1:13:04] They're so wild.

[1:13:04] Probable cause.

[1:13:05] Probable cause.

[1:13:06] As they shoot these guys.

[1:13:07] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:08] Let's turn these body cams off.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:11] Hold on.

[1:13:12] Let's just.

[1:13:13] Let's just turn these off.

[1:13:14] And we'll just get.

[1:13:14] Go on through the building.

[1:13:15] Killing everybody.

[1:13:16] And Brant.

[1:13:18] The voice I heard.

[1:13:19] It was a British accent.

[1:13:21] And Brant was like.

[1:13:21] That was my wife.

[1:13:23] Through you.

[1:13:24] To me.

[1:13:25] I don't know why she didn't talk to me.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:26] That's why I made a big point about the fact that my wife had a British accent earlier.

[1:13:29] That's why earlier I made a big spiel out of it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:32] Don't know why she didn't go directly.

[1:13:34] She could have cut out the middleman.

[1:13:35] Just talked to me.

[1:13:35] We're closer.

[1:13:36] I would have known it was her.

[1:13:37] But okay.

[1:13:38] Ram then says.

[1:13:39] Amy.

[1:13:40] Use your Bible app.

[1:13:41] Use your Bible app.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:41] To look up the Bible.

[1:13:42] And make sure nothing was changed.

[1:13:44] That was great.

[1:13:45] And that's also fantastic.

[1:13:45] That was really great.

[1:13:46] And so she looks up.

[1:13:47] It's called like.

[1:13:48] I Devout.

[1:13:48] What was the name?

[1:13:49] Or something.

[1:13:49] Oh.

[1:13:50] Yeah.

[1:13:50] That's the moment where you're like.

[1:13:51] Is this whole thing an ad for this app?

[1:13:54] This app.

[1:13:55] Which is just the text of the Bible.

[1:13:56] I assume.

[1:13:57] And I'm sure they do that thing.

[1:13:58] Where it like.

[1:13:59] Counts how many times.

[1:13:59] So many micro transactions.

[1:14:01] Yeah.

[1:14:02] Yeah.

[1:14:02] And you can Venmo people's Bibles.

[1:14:04] Well they call it tithing.

[1:14:05] Yeah.

[1:14:07] So anyway.

[1:14:08] She looks up in the Bible.

[1:14:10] And she's like.

[1:14:11] Yeah.

[1:14:11] There's the story of the disciple of Jesus's.

[1:14:13] Whose robe got stolen.

[1:14:15] Who ran away naked.

[1:14:15] That was you.

[1:14:16] And here's this.

[1:14:17] The guy who got his ear cut off.

[1:14:18] That was Brant.

[1:14:19] Like.

[1:14:19] They all have their Bible cameos now.

[1:14:21] Which is a pretty great story.

[1:14:22] To be able to tell at parties.

[1:14:23] To be like.

[1:14:24] Yeah.

[1:14:24] Pick up that Bible.

[1:14:25] And turn to that verse.

[1:14:26] You're looking at him.

[1:14:27] Like that's a pretty amazing thing.

[1:14:29] You know.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:29] I guess the history really is accurate.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:31] All that stuff is incredibly accurate.

[1:14:33] Simon said so.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:35] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:35] And when Simon says.

[1:14:37] You gotta do it.

[1:14:38] That's the rule.

[1:14:39] Yeah.

[1:14:40] So now Ram has a cameo in the Bible.

[1:14:43] Everyone's dream.

[1:14:45] And 2029 Ram arrives in the room.

[1:14:47] And is like.

[1:14:47] Hey guys.

[1:14:48] What's going on?

[1:14:49] It took Mustang and forever to get loose.

[1:14:51] As Bible robe Ram disappears.

[1:14:53] Overwritten by the timeline.

[1:14:55] Okay.

[1:14:56] Guys.

[1:14:56] We're in the homestretch of the movie.

[1:14:58] Yeah.

[1:14:58] Three months later.

[1:14:59] Oh thank God.

[1:14:59] They're in a base.

[1:15:00] Ram's basement.

[1:15:01] As a team.

[1:15:01] Still building this transporter.

[1:15:03] And Amy is convinced that this was all to save Brant's soul.

[1:15:07] So.

[1:15:07] It's like.

[1:15:08] Okay.

[1:15:08] All those people had to die.

[1:15:09] So that Brant could come back into the fold.

[1:15:12] That's.

[1:15:12] That sounds like God.

[1:15:13] That's.

[1:15:13] That's the kind of stuff God would do.

[1:15:14] He's.

[1:15:15] He's.

[1:15:15] Well.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:15] It also opens up this thing.

[1:15:17] He's like.

[1:15:17] Is that.

[1:15:18] Is that how.

[1:15:19] Jesus dying.

[1:15:20] Jesus dying.

[1:15:21] Saved us.

[1:15:21] Like.

[1:15:22] Is it like.

[1:15:22] All part.

[1:15:23] Do we each get an individual time travel.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:26] Salvation.

[1:15:27] Much like God.

[1:15:28] Invented asthma.

[1:15:29] And then had the earth invaded by aliens.

[1:15:31] So that Mel Gibson would get his faith back.

[1:15:35] Uh.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:35] Uh huh.

[1:15:35] God.

[1:15:36] Resurrected Jesus.

[1:15:37] And then had all these people killed.

[1:15:39] And allowed Ram to invent time travel.

[1:15:41] Yeah.

[1:15:41] Just to give Brant his faith back.

[1:15:42] God is.

[1:15:43] If anything.

[1:15:44] He.

[1:15:44] He believes in.

[1:15:45] Um.

[1:15:45] What you would call disproportionate response.

[1:15:47] That.

[1:15:47] If one guy loses his faith.

[1:15:49] God's like.

[1:15:50] I could show up in front of him.

[1:15:52] Mm.

[1:15:52] I think I will imperil the earth instead.

[1:15:54] And hope everything turns out.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:56] Well.

[1:15:57] That's the other thing that confused me.

[1:15:58] Because I'm like.

[1:15:58] Okay.

[1:15:59] This movie.

[1:16:00] Sort of like.

[1:16:01] There's a part earlier on.

[1:16:03] Where.

[1:16:04] Ram explains.

[1:16:05] Like.

[1:16:05] Okay.

[1:16:06] Well.

[1:16:06] Here's this continuum.

[1:16:07] And here's this continuum.

[1:16:09] And we're stuck in this continuum.

[1:16:10] Which is a loop.

[1:16:11] So it doesn't affect the other.

[1:16:12] Like.

[1:16:12] He does a thing.

[1:16:13] So it was like.

[1:16:13] Okay.

[1:16:14] Things are splitting.

[1:16:15] Things are branching.

[1:16:17] That seems to me.

[1:16:19] Kind of at odds.

[1:16:20] With the idea of.

[1:16:21] Of time being overwritten.

[1:16:23] Well.

[1:16:24] No.

[1:16:24] The fact that there are these.

[1:16:25] Different timelines.

[1:16:27] Where people.

[1:16:27] Who actually exist.

[1:16:29] Like.

[1:16:29] Die.

[1:16:29] Yeah.

[1:16:30] You know.

[1:16:30] And.

[1:16:31] You know.

[1:16:31] Like.

[1:16:32] Uh.

[1:16:33] I don't know.

[1:16:34] All that stuff.

[1:16:34] Seems to.

[1:16:36] Fight with the idea.

[1:16:38] Of like.

[1:16:38] A singular God.

[1:16:39] Who's in control of everything.

[1:16:41] And wants to save us.

[1:16:42] Like.

[1:16:42] Fair point.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:42] Fair point.

[1:16:43] You could say that God is running an infinite number of simulations.

[1:16:46] Much like in the novel.

[1:16:47] In the devil drag you under.

[1:16:49] He's running an infinite number of simulations to see how each turns out.

[1:16:52] So each timeline.

[1:16:54] So there.

[1:16:54] So God is overlooking all of it.

[1:16:56] But instead of meddling.

[1:16:57] Directly.

[1:16:58] He instead just sets up a universe.

[1:17:00] And is like.

[1:17:01] There's an infinite number of monkeys.

[1:17:02] One of them is going to write Shakespeare.

[1:17:03] You know.

[1:17:04] Like.

[1:17:04] Infinite number of universes.

[1:17:05] Yeah.

[1:17:05] And one of them.

[1:17:05] Brant is going to get his faith back.

[1:17:07] And that's all I'm looking for.

[1:17:08] So.

[1:17:09] Yeah.

[1:17:09] If it takes.

[1:17:10] Billions and billions of Amys to die.

[1:17:12] If it means in one of the.

[1:17:14] One of those.

[1:17:14] Brant gets his faith.

[1:17:16] Then.

[1:17:16] Good enough for me.

[1:17:17] I'm God.

[1:17:17] You can't question my methods.

[1:17:18] Did you invent.

[1:17:19] Where were you when.

[1:17:20] When I created Behemoth.

[1:17:21] Where were you when I put the chain in the block.

[1:17:23] Or whatever.

[1:17:24] You can't question me.

[1:17:24] I'm sorry God.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:24] Yeah.

[1:17:25] I could turn into a sandstorm.

[1:17:26] Where were you when I sent a truck into space.

[1:17:27] I'm sorry.

[1:17:28] Yeah.

[1:17:28] Did you send a truck into space.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:34] That all makes sense.

[1:17:35] So we're in the future.

[1:17:36] So.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:37] Everybody's happy.

[1:17:37] No.

[1:17:38] They're not.

[1:17:38] This was all to save Brant's soul.

[1:17:40] But in saving his soul.

[1:17:41] Brant has lost the use of his legs.

[1:17:42] And can't get a job.

[1:17:44] He seems to be a quadriplegic.

[1:17:46] But I think in the VO.

[1:17:47] They call him a paraplegic.

[1:17:48] But anyway.

[1:17:49] I could be wrong.

[1:17:50] And he's getting.

[1:17:51] He's over Zoom.

[1:17:52] Doing a job interview.

[1:17:53] And they're like.

[1:17:54] You can't do the things we need you to do for this job.

[1:17:56] So you can't get it now.

[1:17:57] So he's got an ADA case on his hands.

[1:18:00] Certainly a discrimination case.

[1:18:01] But still.

[1:18:03] But he's just unhappy.

[1:18:04] And he asks God.

[1:18:05] He's like.

[1:18:05] God.

[1:18:05] Why you do all this to me?

[1:18:07] So they have an elaborate plan.

[1:18:10] Ram goes back in time.

[1:18:11] And by appearing for a split second.

[1:18:14] As a construction worker with a stop sign.

[1:18:16] He manages to stop Brant's car.

[1:18:18] Just in time to save his family.

[1:18:20] Oh right.

[1:18:21] And there is a little comedy bit.

[1:18:23] Where Amy's like.

[1:18:24] Did you forget something?

[1:18:26] Oh I love you.

[1:18:26] Did you forget something else?

[1:18:28] He kisses her.

[1:18:29] No that's not it.

[1:18:30] Did you.

[1:18:30] And it turns out he forgot his stop sign.

[1:18:31] And it's one of those things where it's like.

[1:18:33] Movie.

[1:18:33] Just be over.

[1:18:34] Why are you doing bits?

[1:18:36] Like why are you prolonging this?

[1:18:38] Just do it.

[1:18:38] End.

[1:18:39] Just be over.

[1:18:39] Especially when you see what they squeeze into the last 20 seconds.

[1:18:43] So then in VO.

[1:18:45] So there's.

[1:18:46] And they find two letters taped to the back of the stop sign.

[1:18:48] Brant and his family.

[1:18:48] They're like.

[1:18:49] Someone disappeared.

[1:18:50] But we found a construction helmet and a stop sign.

[1:18:52] It must have been a miracle.

[1:18:53] God must have done this.

[1:18:54] Yeah.

[1:18:55] Yeah.

[1:18:55] And they find two letters.

[1:18:56] One is to Brant.

[1:18:57] And I don't.

[1:18:58] And in VO they're like.

[1:18:59] We left a letter for Brant.

[1:19:00] Tipping him.

[1:19:01] Telling him to tip off the NSA.

[1:19:02] And the government.

[1:19:03] And the FBI.

[1:19:04] About Ahmed.

[1:19:05] And we also left a jump drive that was addressed to me.

[1:19:08] It had the secrets to time travel.

[1:19:09] And I used it to become a wealthy man.

[1:19:11] And now I'm super rich.

[1:19:12] But I also used it to peek into the future.

[1:19:15] Then we cut to them still working at Ahmed's lab.

[1:19:18] They all get shot.

[1:19:20] And Ram transports Amy to a hospital in 2059 for future medicine.

[1:19:24] And he goes.

[1:19:25] But they ended up in a dystopian future.

[1:19:27] Where Ahmed had cloned Jesus and brought him back.

[1:19:29] And Jesus could raise the dead.

[1:19:31] But he was evil.

[1:19:32] And now he's the antichrist.

[1:19:33] The end.

[1:19:34] And you were like.

[1:19:34] Why did you waste time on the comedy bit.

[1:19:36] Where he forgot a stop sign.

[1:19:37] And then hurriedly throw in.

[1:19:40] Purely through VO.

[1:19:41] We see none of this.

[1:19:43] That there's a clone of Jesus that is evil.

[1:19:45] And has raised an army of souls.

[1:19:46] He's a clone of Jesus.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:47] He has a bunch of superpowers.

[1:19:49] That Ram lists.

[1:19:50] And he's like.

[1:19:51] But you know.

[1:19:52] He's.

[1:19:53] All of the ways.

[1:19:54] He's the opposite of Jesus.

[1:19:56] I guess that's why they call him.

[1:19:57] The antichrist.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:59] And it's also.

[1:20:00] But it's also.

[1:20:00] And then the movie puts on a pair of sunglasses.

[1:20:02] And goes.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:02] Ow.

[1:20:03] Boom.

[1:20:03] But also.

[1:20:04] I mean.

[1:20:04] I've lost track of.

[1:20:05] Here's my question.

[1:20:06] Which Brant.

[1:20:07] And.

[1:20:08] Not which Brant.

[1:20:09] Which Ram and Amy.

[1:20:11] Are doing this.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:12] Because that's my question.

[1:20:13] We now live in a.

[1:20:14] We have to assume this timeline.

[1:20:15] Unless Brant just didn't read that letter.

[1:20:17] And then Ram and Amy got hit on the head.

[1:20:19] And forgot everything that happened to them.

[1:20:21] This is.

[1:20:21] There should be a world where Brant has already called the cops on Ahmed.

[1:20:25] For being a terrorist.

[1:20:26] Yeah.

[1:20:26] But somehow.

[1:20:28] Amy and.

[1:20:28] And Amy and Ram are.

[1:20:30] They already have a time machine.

[1:20:32] Right.

[1:20:33] Yeah.

[1:20:33] Because they've used it.

[1:20:34] To save Brant.

[1:20:34] Yep.

[1:20:35] Yep.

[1:20:35] They're working for Ahmed again.

[1:20:37] And they still get shot.

[1:20:39] And they're still working.

[1:20:40] Yeah.

[1:20:40] A transporter.

[1:20:41] I don't.

[1:20:41] It's like.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:42] It's a flashback to the sequence where Amy signed her other self.

[1:20:48] What was happening.

[1:20:49] Right.

[1:20:49] And then they all got gunned down.

[1:20:50] And then it turns out that they survived getting shot a bunch.

[1:20:54] Barely.

[1:20:55] I have to send us to the future where they have invented a cure for getting shot a bunch.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:00] I misunderstood.

[1:21:00] I thought this was happening in sequence.

[1:21:02] So this is that.

[1:21:03] Right.

[1:21:03] So we are jumping back.

[1:21:04] Like that Simpsons bit.

[1:21:04] We're jumping back to that earlier thing.

[1:21:06] So he.

[1:21:07] So when Ram says I looked into the future.

[1:21:09] What he means is I saw this other Amy and Ram in the future who didn't get overwritten.

[1:21:13] I guess.

[1:21:14] And.

[1:21:15] They're now living in.

[1:21:16] And this sets it up for the sequel where now they're in a dystopian zombie Jesus apocalypse.

[1:21:21] But it's.

[1:21:21] Yeah.

[1:21:22] But it's all told to you.

[1:21:23] Literally.

[1:21:24] In V.

[1:21:24] And he is rushing the voiceover as if they are running out of time in the recording booth.

[1:21:28] And they don't want to pay for overtime.

[1:21:30] Yeah.

[1:21:30] That's great.

[1:21:31] And the manager of the recording booth is standing outside.

[1:21:33] He can see him through the window tapping his watch.

[1:21:35] He's like.

[1:21:35] And that's why they call him the Antichrist.

[1:21:36] The end.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:37] Yeah.

[1:21:38] Yeah.

[1:21:38] It's like when you go over time at a karaoke place.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:41] Yeah.

[1:21:42] I like.

[1:21:43] Look.

[1:21:44] I.

[1:21:45] I would go mad if I tried to really map out this movie.

[1:21:47] Let's do it.

[1:21:48] Dan.

[1:21:49] Let's risk that.

[1:21:50] We can always go back in time and fix you.

[1:21:52] It does feel to me that like this future still somehow should have been avoided by the other

[1:21:59] actions of the thing.

[1:22:01] But I guess.

[1:22:01] Or like not avoided.

[1:22:03] But like be in a different time continuum.

[1:22:05] Yes.

[1:22:05] I would think so.

[1:22:06] From the Ram that has then become our hero Ram by the end of the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:10] The Ahmed that took Jesus' DNA.

[1:22:13] I guess he didn't go back to his home time.

[1:22:15] He went to 2059 instead.

[1:22:18] Yeah.

[1:22:18] Which allows a different Ahmed who didn't go back in time to get stabbed to death by Ram.

[1:22:24] But a crime which is again I guess considered okay because he is a terrorist on the basis

[1:22:32] of no evidence whatsoever that they can present.

[1:22:34] But that like.

[1:22:36] It's like all the.

[1:22:37] Yeah.

[1:22:37] It's like the movie has gone to such great lengths to set up how time travel works.

[1:22:41] And then the last.

[1:22:42] And at the very end they're like forget it.

[1:22:44] You know what.

[1:22:45] It doesn't matter.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:45] But wouldn't it be cool if.

[1:22:48] What if.

[1:22:49] Guys.

[1:22:50] I thought of this idea.

[1:22:51] Like what if the Antichrist was like Christ.

[1:22:54] But anti.

[1:22:56] Okay.

[1:22:56] Let's make a movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:57] So explain what you mean by that.

[1:22:59] Like a real Christ.

[1:23:00] Like he's made out of antimatter.

[1:23:01] I don't understand.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:02] We took.

[1:23:02] We took a DNA Christ.

[1:23:04] You know.

[1:23:04] And we made our own Christ.

[1:23:05] Okay.

[1:23:06] But because it's like a false Christ.

[1:23:08] It's all fucked up.

[1:23:09] Okay.

[1:23:09] So describe.

[1:23:10] Describe how it's fucked up.

[1:23:12] Dan's a little bit too twisted for me right now.

[1:23:13] Yeah.

[1:23:13] I don't know.

[1:23:14] I kind of wish I was recording with Ellie right now.

[1:23:18] It's a bit of a mind freak for me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:20] So Dan.

[1:23:20] Maybe you can lay it out more so I understand it.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:22] A little more.

[1:23:23] Imagine.

[1:23:24] Imagine Christ but like bad.

[1:23:26] Okay.

[1:23:26] Antichrist.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:27] So like what would.

[1:23:28] But how would that manifest?

[1:23:29] Like what is he doing?

[1:23:30] What makes him dead?

[1:23:31] I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:31] He'd blow up things.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:33] I mean because the Christ in the movie we saw blew up a cave.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:36] Yeah.

[1:23:36] He'd explode things and like people.

[1:23:39] He wouldn't want people to be free.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:40] And he'd exhort his followers to go to other countries and murder them.

[1:23:44] And force them to live under his laws.

[1:23:46] Yeah.

[1:23:46] And steal all their stuff.

[1:23:48] Guys.

[1:23:48] Is it possible that we've been dealing with the Antichrist this whole time?

[1:23:51] It's possible.

[1:23:52] In our continuum.

[1:23:53] Talk about blasphemy.

[1:23:53] Yeah.

[1:23:54] Yeah.

[1:23:54] Basically.

[1:23:54] So Dan.

[1:23:55] So this was the point when I knew Dan was watching the movie because he would text me stuff

[1:24:00] every now and then.

[1:24:01] And then he just texted me, the fuck?

[1:24:04] And that was his response to the ending.

[1:24:06] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:07] It's quite something.

[1:24:09] Two thumbs up.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:10] So can you think of another movie that introduces a whole other storyline at the very end in voiceover?

[1:24:16] I mean you already said the Marvel movies.

[1:24:18] The Marvel movies do it in the – but –

[1:24:20] But also they do –

[1:24:20] Yeah.

[1:24:21] They do those end credits things but you're like, I know this will be paid off at some point in another movie.

[1:24:26] Yeah.

[1:24:26] But this is never – I don't – unless they were really hoping to do the sequel.

[1:24:30] Fingers crossed.

[1:24:30] Fingers crossed, yeah.

[1:24:31] Yeah.

[1:24:31] Black Palm Sunday, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:32] It's got a – I mean it's clearly a shameless like play for a sequel, right?

[1:24:37] I have to assume so.

[1:24:38] Yeah.

[1:24:39] Oh, yeah.

[1:24:39] Yeah.

[1:24:39] Definitely.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:40] I mean it won all those fucking awards.

[1:24:42] I saw them.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:43] I mean I wonder if –

Dan McCoy

[1:24:44] And this movie is very historically accurate.

[1:24:46] Now I'm curious.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:47] I'm not going to watch the other cut of it because I only have so much – God has only given me so much time on this earth.

[1:24:51] But I wonder if the other cut does not end with that.

[1:24:53] And if they were like, yeah, this is hitting it all.

[1:24:55] This is doing well.

[1:24:57] Let's throw in an ending that can get us a sequel.

[1:24:59] Because if they do make a sequel, we are going to have to watch it for another small member.

[1:25:03] Yeah.

[1:25:04] Although knowing the way movies work now, I'm sure this director will get handed like a Star Wars movie to make now.

[1:25:09] Yep.

[1:25:09] Because that's the way movies work is you make an independent film that people – that wins awards and then suddenly you get handed a movie that costs a billion dollars.

[1:25:16] Yeah.

[1:25:16] Frantically beloved this was.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:18] Let's do a final judgment.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:19] Well, on Rotten Tomatoes, it has a one stolen tomato.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:24] Is this a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie we kind of like?

[1:25:29] I'll say very quickly.

[1:25:31] As we have said, the premise of the movie is very Islamophobic.

[1:25:39] And the movie itself.

[1:25:41] Yeah.

[1:25:41] And the movie itself.

[1:25:42] Like if you have bad experiences with religion in the past, I could imagine this movie being very difficult to get through.

[1:25:52] If you don't have those hang-ups, it is a very silly, silly bad movie that moves quickly and does all sorts of nutty things that I never expected to see in a movie.

[1:26:07] So I would give it a good bad with precautions.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:13] Yeah.

[1:26:13] I mean I think that's fair.

[1:26:15] I mean I think if for whatever reason the topics this movie touches on aren't triggers for you, then yeah, it's very silly, very stupid.

[1:26:29] And it's a time travel movie about going back in time to kill Jesus.

[1:26:34] I mean it's ridiculous.

[1:26:35] I would –

[1:26:36] So I guess good bad.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:37] Yeah.

[1:26:37] I would also call this a good bad movie.

[1:26:40] I think if you are the kind of person who goes out of your way to watch bad movies and make fun of them with your friends, then I'm guessing that you probably are not going to be too bothered by the religious aspects of it.

[1:26:52] That's a good point.

[1:26:53] But I don't want to judge – but I don't want to guess who people are.

[1:26:56] I will say that – so the writer-director's name is Jim Carroll.

[1:27:00] I want to mention that fans of The Basketball Diaries should know that this is not that Jim Carroll.

[1:27:04] It's not that Jim Carroll.

[1:27:05] No, this is not the Jim Carroll.

[1:27:06] This is not the kind of punk icon Jim Carroll.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:10] That is the joke I made to Audrey while we were watching it to which I think she responded, what?

[1:27:16] Who's that?

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:17] So that's my one thing.

[1:27:19] If you see his name in the credits, don't be like, that's what he's up to these days.

[1:27:22] No, he died in 2009.

[1:27:24] So otherwise I would say good bad movie.

[1:27:26] This was a movie I was worried was going to be super serious, and it was just the right mix of taking itself seriously while also being total goofball.

[1:27:36] So yeah, I called it a good bad movie.

[1:27:39] I thought this was – as far as small members go, I feel like we had two solid good bads.

[1:27:45] Two bangers.

[1:27:45] Yeah, in this and Andy the Talking Hedgehog.

[1:27:48] Both with great voiceovers.

[1:27:50] Both movies that relied so heavily on voiceover to try to tell you things that the movie could not figure out how to tell you otherwise, you know?

[1:27:56] Yeah.

[1:28:00] Congratulations.

S4

[1:28:01] You've won a ticket to attend an exclusive opportunity in a relaxing environment with two lovers.

[1:28:08] Wow.

[1:28:09] Well, this sounds like a sort of proposition of sorts, but really it's an ad for our podcast.

[1:28:15] Wonderful.

[1:28:16] It's a show we do here on Maximum Fun where we talk about things that we like and things that we're into.

[1:28:21] I'm Rachel McElroy, and you just heard Griffin McElroy, and we are excited for you to join us as we talk about movies and music and books.

[1:28:28] Things like sneezing or the idea of rain.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:33] Can you get news or information you can use?

[1:28:36] I don't think so.

S4

[1:28:37] Absolutely you cannot because we're here to talk to you about pumpernickel bread.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:40] You can find new episodes on Wednesdays.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:42] So catch the wave.

S4

[1:28:46] From the internationally acclaimed creators of Who Shot Ya?

[1:28:49] Comes the movie podcast Maximum Film.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:52] Starring producer and film festival programmer Drea Clark as a woman bound by passion.

S4

[1:28:57] I saw this eight months ago on the festival circuit.

[1:29:00] And I loved it.

[1:29:01] Film critic Alonzo Duralde as a man corrupted by greed.

[1:29:05] Why watch one homework Christmas movie when I can watch seven?

[1:29:08] And comedian Ify Wadiwe as a man protecting a love that society simply won't accept.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:13] I think Pacific Rim is a perfect movie.

S4

[1:29:15] And if you can't accept that, then I want you out of my life.

[1:29:18] From the makers of the movie podcast Who Shot Ya?

[1:29:20] Comes Maximum Film.

[1:29:22] That's right.

[1:29:23] We changed the name of our show to Maximum Film.

[1:29:25] But don't worry.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:26] We're still a movie review show that isn't just a bunch of straight white dudes.

S4

[1:29:30] So tune in to Maximum Film at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:37] The Flophouse is sponsored in part by Squarespace.

[1:29:40] With Squarespace, you can create a beautiful website by blogging or publishing content, sell products or services of all kinds, just turning your cool idea into a site that others can enjoy on the internet.

[1:29:55] Squarespace allows you to do this by giving you beautiful, customizable templates created by world-class designers.

[1:30:02] With everything optimized for mobile right out of the box, a new way to buy domains and choose from over 200 extensions and free and secure hosting.

[1:30:11] So why not head to squarespace.com slash flop for a free trial.

[1:30:16] And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code flop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:25] Hey, Dan, I actually had an idea for inspired by this movie for a website.

[1:30:29] And I was wondering if they might be able to help me.

[1:30:31] Yeah, shoot.

[1:30:32] So when Brant tells God, this is on you from that point on, I feel like that's hard.

[1:30:39] It's a hard thing to get away with, to just say, this is God's fault.

[1:30:42] I'm not taking any blame for it.

[1:30:43] So what if I told you I had a social networking platform that would connect you with random people around the globe that you could blame for your problems or that you could use to blame for mistakes that you make?

[1:30:56] It's called Blamebook.

[1:30:57] And over at Blamebook, we have a simple goal, to change the world for the better.

[1:31:02] By making it easier to blame people that you've never met and never will meet for problems that you've had.

[1:31:07] It gets rid of the consequences for you.

[1:31:09] And of course, there's no consequence for them because it's not like someone's going to go all the way to the other side of the world just to ask them why they wrecked their shoes, which is probably something that you would do that you would want to blame someone for.

[1:31:19] So Blamebook would be a massive social network where you could blame other people for things that you've done.

[1:31:26] They could blame you.

[1:31:27] It's a reciprocal blaming thing.

[1:31:29] No one ever has to deal with any consequences for anything.

[1:31:31] So how does that sound to you?

Dan McCoy

[1:31:33] I mean, I can't see how there could be anything possibly wrong with creating another place on the internet where people can lash out at strangers.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:41] Well, yeah.

[1:31:42] Also, I mean, it might be tough to Google because there's that hit manga, Blame.

[1:31:47] So if you're searching for Blamebook, although it does use an exclamation point.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:52] No, no.

[1:31:53] But that's a good point.

[1:31:54] I wouldn't want people to get confused.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:55] Does yours use an exclamation point?

[1:31:57] It was going to.

[1:31:58] Oh, no.

[1:31:58] But it was going to be after book.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:59] It would be Blamebook.

[1:32:00] Oh, okay.

[1:32:01] Blamebook.

[1:32:02] Yeah.

[1:32:02] But so, okay.

[1:32:03] But those are both good points.

[1:32:04] Dan, maybe instead of a social networking site, it's kind of like a doxing site where you just – the person you're blaming doesn't know it and you're putting up their personal information.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:13] I feel like you're going the wrong direction on this one.

[1:32:16] Okay.

[1:32:16] Is that worse somehow?

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:17] Okay.

[1:32:17] Then you know what?

[1:32:18] Somehow.

[1:32:19] I got a better idea.

[1:32:19] How about we just call it bg.com, blamegod.com.

[1:32:23] Okay.

[1:32:24] And it's the site where you can input what you need to blame God for and who you're telling this blame to.

[1:32:31] And the site will create a personalized letter from God to the person that you need to get out of being in trouble with.

[1:32:40] Okay.

[1:32:40] Just taking the blame.

[1:32:41] Dear Stuart, I'm sorry that I wrecked your shoes.

[1:32:45] Love God.

[1:32:45] And really, it's Dan that wrecked your shoes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:47] I actually think you're on to something here, Elliot.

[1:32:49] Okay.

[1:32:49] So there it is.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:50] Bg.com, blamegod.com.

[1:32:52] Do you think Squarespace can help me with that?

Dan McCoy

[1:32:55] Yes.

[1:32:56] And as I said before, go to squarespace.com slash flop for a free trial and use the offer code flop for 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[1:33:06] But we're also sponsored in part by Storyblocks.

[1:33:09] Storyblocks is a stock media service and makes it possible for creators to keep up with the growing demands for modern video content so you can bring all of your stories to life and stop sacrificing your vision due to time, budget, or resources.

[1:33:26] Storyblocks' unlimited all-access plan gives you unlimited downloads of the over 1 million-plus assets in their library.

[1:33:34] You can try out multiple options quickly and find the perfect fit so you can create more and spend less.

[1:33:41] Restock is their commitment to increase representation in stock media by hiring creators from marginalized communities to create content that is more reflective of the diverse world we live in.

[1:33:52] Stay on budget while telling the best version of your story with the most affordable subscription plans and tools on the market that scale to meet your needs.

[1:34:00] I, uh, you know what?

[1:34:02] Uh, stock footage is used by all kinds of people.

[1:34:05] Whether you're making, uh, Black Easter or, like me, you're making a new intermission song for, uh, the live show that is happening this evening.

[1:34:16] You put some elbow grease into that thing.

[1:34:18] I did, actually.

[1:34:19] Yeah.

[1:34:20] It may be the most actual work that is put into one of the elements of the show.

[1:34:24] I don't know.

[1:34:25] Uh, but, um, so you can see that used all, made all with Storyblocks, uh, footage, uh, at the live show.

[1:34:32] And you, too, can, uh, do like the Flophouse does, explore their library, subscribe today at storyblocks.com slash flop.

[1:34:40] That's storyblocks.com slash flop.

[1:34:44] Stuart, I think you have a Jumbotron.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:47] J-j-j-jumbotron.

[1:34:48] That's right, Dan.

[1:34:50] Hey, has your appetite for supernatural mystery tabletop role-playing games been wedded by the adventures of the Hogs Bottom 3?

[1:35:00] That's a reference to the Flophouse bonus content where I make these guys play, uh, role-playing games with me.

[1:35:07] Uh, well, good news.

[1:35:09] Lakeshore and Limbo is solving occult cases in the city of Chicago on a weekly basis.

[1:35:15] This actual play podcast features a sloppy alchemist, a former cat, and a 1940s film star solving spooky puzzles using the FU system.

[1:35:28] And the cast includes performers from Second City Theatricals, IO Chicago, and Jackbox Games.

[1:35:37] So Lakeshore and Limbo is available on Spotify, iTunes, and all of the other usual podcast suspects.

[1:35:45] Why don't you check it out, listeners?

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:48] And hey, if you liked hearing that Jumbotron and want to purchase a Jumbotron of your own, did you know you could do that to send messages of either a personal or promotional nature?

[1:35:58] Just go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron and pick which show, this one, you want it to be on.

[1:36:04] And then do the message.

[1:36:06] And then unless there's something wildly offensive or defamatory, Stuart, Dan, or I—

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:10] Or if we catch on to your plan to have Dan say very specific words, sneaker style, for you to use his voice to break into his security system.

[1:36:20] Exactly.

[1:36:20] It is my passport.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:21] Yeah.

[1:36:22] Terrifying me.

[1:36:22] You can't Tobolowsky him.

[1:36:25] Yeah.

[1:36:25] We will—you'll get the joy of hearing one of us saying those things like the puppets we are and you, the puppet master, pulling the Jumbotron strings.

[1:36:36] Oh, dear.

[1:36:36] So that's MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron to have us spread your messages.

[1:36:40] But hey, guys, I've got another thing to promote.

[1:36:42] Hey, hold on.

[1:36:43] This one's a limited time offer.

[1:36:44] Jumbotrons, we do those all the time.

[1:36:46] You can do them whenever you want.

[1:36:47] But as I mentioned at the top of the show, today is the day, if you're listening to this on September 25th, the day it comes out,

[1:36:53] today is the day when we will be doing our live remote flophouse over your computers internet show, video show, talking show,

[1:37:03] where we're going to be talking about Super Mario Brothers.

[1:37:06] We couldn't let the 28th anniversary of this cinematic classic go past without us commenting on it, celebrating it, maybe.

[1:37:15] I haven't rewatched the movie yet for the show.

[1:37:17] I mean, I have in the past because it's today.

[1:37:19] But when I'm recording this, I have not yet.

[1:37:22] And we're going to have all new PowerPoint presentations at the top.

[1:37:25] Dan made a hilarious video out of Storyblocks.

[1:37:29] We're also going to do some other neat segment stuff Dan has some ideas for.

[1:37:32] Dan's got a lot of ideas.

[1:37:33] We're going to be answering questions from the audience via Zoom chat.

[1:37:37] And we're going to talk about some other exclusive stuff that you're only going to know about if you watch the show.

[1:37:42] Just go to theflophouse.simpleticks.com.

[1:37:45] Again, that's theflophouse.simpleticks.com.

[1:37:49] It is Saturday, today, September 25th at 9 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Pacific.

[1:37:55] And if you can't make it to the show on time, if you buy a ticket, you get access to the archived video of the show for one week before it disappears.

[1:38:03] Poof.

[1:38:04] Overwritten by the timeline as Jesus is assassinated in the past.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:08] And tickets are available for a week during that time as well.

[1:38:11] So if you missed it, if you're listening to this on Sunday, for instance.

[1:38:14] That's true.

[1:38:15] Because you save Saturday for not touching any electronics, then maybe you would want to listen to it and watch our show on Sunday.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:23] That's a very good point.

[1:38:23] So if you missed it, missed it.

[1:38:24] Now you can kissed it by paying the $10 for the ticket to get access to the archived video.

[1:38:31] You have just that one week to watch it, to buy a ticket and watch it, and then it goes away.

[1:38:37] And as we mentioned I think last time, if it's a household, it's just $10 per internet connection.

[1:38:42] You don't need to.

[1:38:43] If there's four of you in the house, then you're all going to watch.

[1:38:46] You don't have to buy four tickets.

[1:38:48] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:38:48] Yeah.

[1:38:48] So don't be like, $40?

[1:38:50] That's too much.

[1:38:50] It's only $10.

[1:38:51] $10?

[1:38:52] Want to Alexander Hamilton?

[1:38:53] You throw that money away.

[1:38:54] You light cigars with it.

[1:38:55] Why not instead spend it on some entertainment?

[1:38:58] As we talk Super Mario Brothers, the first video game movie, maybe the best of them?

[1:39:04] I don't know.

[1:39:05] Guys, we'll find out.

[1:39:07] That's Saturday, September 25th.

[1:39:09] Today!

[1:39:11] 9 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Pacific.

[1:39:12] Go to theflophouse.simpleticks.com.

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:16] Well, let's...

[1:39:17] He's getting tighter at that every time he does this.

[1:39:19] Every time.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:20] I mean, this is the last time, so it's not going to get any longer, but you know.

[1:39:23] Yeah.

[1:39:24] I cannot express enough how much it has to be this week that you see it.

[1:39:28] Because otherwise, it will not be there.

Dan McCoy

[1:39:31] Well, let us move along to letters from listeners.

[1:39:34] Lettuce can't move along.

[1:39:35] This is the vegetable.

[1:39:37] Good point.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:39] Well...

[1:39:39] Alex, delete that.

Dan McCoy

[1:39:41] Alex, do not delete that.

[1:39:43] Thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:45] Alex, can you submit that to the Nobel Prize as for jokes?

Dan McCoy

[1:39:50] So, I gave you guys one letters question, but I realized there's a thematically better letter

[1:39:57] to read.

[1:39:58] Wow.

[1:39:58] So, I apologize for pulling a switcheroo on you.

[1:40:01] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:02] Well, you're not going to get our best takes.

[1:40:04] No.

Dan McCoy

[1:40:05] This is from Mason Lansing withheld.

[1:40:07] Oh, Mason Gamble, the star of Dennis the Menace, the movie.

[1:40:10] Okay.

[1:40:10] Mason writes,

[1:40:11] Just kidding.

[1:40:30] Dang.

[1:40:32] My question is this.

[1:40:33] That was a relief.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:36] Is there acting notes in there for you?

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:39] Yeah.

[1:40:40] Was that all you're doing?

[1:40:40] I was going to do it like a scam.

[1:40:42] There will be.

Dan McCoy

[1:40:43] My question is this.

[1:40:45] From the Ten Commandments to Noah, from Jesus of Montreal to Jesus Christ Superstar, the

[1:40:50] Bible has long been a source of inspiration for filmmakers.

[1:40:55] If you had to make a movie based on a Bible story, what story would you pick and how would

[1:41:01] you tackle it?

[1:41:02] Mason, last name, withheld.

[1:41:04] P.S.

[1:41:04] Stewart, I've been led to believe that your theological indoctrination level lags somewhat

[1:41:10] behind Dan's and Elliot's.

[1:41:13] So might I recommend Samson, who slaughters an army using a donkey's jawbone before getting

[1:41:18] his eyes gouged out, or possibly that one time the prophet Elisha summoned two dire bears

[1:41:24] to totally murderfy some rude teens.

[1:41:27] Yeah, that was not.

[1:41:27] That sounds sick.

[1:41:28] That was one that I wanted to bring up.

[1:41:29] That sounds sick.

[1:41:29] That was best moment.

[1:41:29] Elisha, the petty prophet.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:31] And he's the one who visits you.

[1:41:33] He's the one who visits every person and goes to your house at Passover.

[1:41:37] So like, you got to make sure he doesn't bring the bears with him.

[1:41:39] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:41:40] Well, as long as you don't call him bald head and tell him to go up.

[1:41:44] Is that what I want?

[1:41:45] Yeah.

[1:41:45] The kids go, go up, you bald head.

[1:41:47] And he's like, bears, get them.

[1:41:50] Wow.

[1:41:50] To me my bears.

[1:41:53] I think I would like to do a really good Jonah movie because nothing like getting swallowed

[1:41:59] by a big fish, guys.

[1:42:01] Yeah.

[1:42:01] So you're saying the movie Big Fish was not an accurate enough telling of the Jonah story?

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:05] No.

[1:42:07] No.

[1:42:08] I actually have one, guys.

[1:42:09] I would like to do a, this is going to be a little bit out there, but it's going to be

[1:42:14] a David and Goliath story, but where David and Goliath are both sports teams.

[1:42:20] Okay.

[1:42:21] And obviously the David would be the young plucky upstarts and Goliath would be the established

[1:42:25] team.

[1:42:27] Maybe they play some, like a form of soccer that involves martial arts as well.

[1:42:32] We'll figure it out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:34] Okay.

[1:42:36] It all, it's all ripped from the page.

[1:42:40] I mean, David and Goliath is a great idea, but I'd want to do the prequel about when David

[1:42:45] first met Goliath and their friends and what happens and what tears them apart so that they

[1:42:49] become enemies in the Bible story.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:52] But also-

[1:42:52] It's hinted at at the end of the movie that they're going to fight.

[1:42:55] Yeah, exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:55] Yeah.

[1:42:56] Yeah.

[1:42:56] And there's some joke about stones or slings, you know.

[1:43:00] But I think the, I've always wanted there to be like a much better Passover movie than there

[1:43:05] is.

[1:43:05] I feel like the Ten Commandments is not great, in my opinion.

[1:43:09] Prince of Egypt is fine.

[1:43:11] And to me, the best adaptation of the Passover story is still Creeping Death, the Metallica

[1:43:15] song.

[1:43:16] So like, I'd love to see a, I've never seen a Passover story dramatization that I think

[1:43:20] gets across the sheer, like, both the scope of that story and also the terror of it.

[1:43:27] That really gets across how terrifying it is when the plagues come down or things like

[1:43:32] that.

[1:43:32] Or like, what a strange man Moses must have been, you know.

[1:43:36] So, yeah.

[1:43:38] Do some kind of big Passover epic.

[1:43:41] Or again, there's that, again, that David and Goliath prequel.

[1:43:43] We're about how they're buddies.

[1:43:44] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:45] If you do them as people and not sports teams, like I suggested.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:49] Yeah.

[1:43:49] I mean, it could be a prequel about how the sports teams are friends, but that's-

[1:43:52] Oh!

[1:43:54] Yeah, all of them.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:55] Like, each is individual friends with another person or like-

[1:44:00] No, they're only group friends.

[1:44:01] They only hang out together as groups.

[1:44:02] How are your couples?

[1:44:03] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:03] I mean, you got an hour and a half to fill.

[1:44:04] I mean, yeah, you can make them all in there.

[1:44:06] Sure.

[1:44:07] You got an hour and a half to fill.

[1:44:08] Do what you like.

[1:44:09] Stuart, are you first?

[1:44:11] That was the log line for Royal Ten of Mouth.

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:15] We got like two hours.

[1:44:16] Put them all in there.

[1:44:16] Who cares?

[1:44:17] The studio goes, Stuart, we have some notes.

[1:44:19] Your movie currently has a 37-hour runtime.

[1:44:22] Yeah, I want to tell everybody's story.

[1:44:24] It's two teams worth of people.

[1:44:25] Put them all in there.

[1:44:28] What do you got to do?

[1:44:30] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:44:31] This is from Anthony, last name withheld.

[1:44:34] Dear Floppers, you guys already had a bajillion episodes when I started listening a few years ago.

[1:44:39] I have no idea what the house cat is and I've never understood a single reference to it.

[1:44:43] Who is the house cat?

[1:44:45] Please explain the joke to me, an imbecile.

[1:44:47] Thanks, Anthony, last name withheld.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:49] Well, I'm assuming at the end of this episode, Alex will just tack on the He's the House Cat song of the Summer that we released a few years ago.

Dan McCoy

[1:44:58] A few years ago?

[1:44:59] Yeah, he's taking a brave I will not listen to your back catalogs.

[1:45:03] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:05] So the house cat was a character that I invented in an episode many years ago.

[1:45:09] The He's the House Cat song was 2013, so that's almost 10 years ago.

[1:45:15] Jesus God.

[1:45:16] Yeah.

[1:45:16] So the house cat was a character that Stuart invented, but really just a sound effect where Stuart would say,

[1:45:23] And we'd go, oh, the house cat's here.

[1:45:27] And that was it.

[1:45:27] And we started getting fan letters about the sound effect and about the house cat character.

Dan McCoy

[1:45:32] It really captured the imagination of our listeners, which is why Stuart stopped doing it right away.

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:39] With our unerring instincts for self-promotion, as soon as it became a breakout hit, Stuart was like, I don't want to do this.

[1:45:44] We stopped calling attention to it.

Dan McCoy

[1:45:46] I'm more than a catchphrase.

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:48] But I can understand how someone who's just come in, let's say, in the past seven years of the podcast might not understand that the house cat was once the darling of the internet.

[1:45:58] The layers of mythology.

[1:45:58] Yeah.

[1:46:00] I'm sure there are people who are like, what is this rocket crocodile?

[1:46:04] I don't understand.

[1:46:05] And it's like, well, we did make a joke about it 11 years ago.

[1:46:09] In one episode.

[1:46:10] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:46:12] Oh, it's weird.

[1:46:13] You know, time flies, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:14] I mean, Steve Martin and Danic Red only did the Wild and Crazy Guys characters, you know, like three times or something like that.

[1:46:20] So, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:46:20] Oh, wow.

[1:46:21] And then it inspired the Joker movies.

Dan McCoy

[1:46:27] Well, let's close up the mailbag.

[1:46:29] Zip!

[1:46:30] We'll move along to the good movies bag.

[1:46:33] Zoop!

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:34] That's the opening of the zipper sound.

Dan McCoy

[1:46:36] Yeah.

[1:46:37] And we're going to recommend some movies that if you don't like to laugh at a movie, maybe you'll like to enjoy a movie that we liked.

[1:46:48] I'm going to recommend a movie that I'm pretty sure Elliot will be familiar with.

[1:46:53] It's called Dr. Cyclops from 1940.

[1:46:58] It's directed by Ernest B. Schoedstack.

[1:47:02] Is that how you say his name?

[1:47:03] Schoedstack, I think.

[1:47:04] Who was half of the team that did King Kong.

[1:47:06] Him and Marion C. Cooper did King Kong together.

[1:47:09] It's a trim 76 minutes.

[1:47:12] It's a pulpy, old-style adventure science fiction thriller about the titular doctor who's not actually named Dr. Cyclops.

[1:47:25] He has very bad eyesight.

[1:47:26] It's just bestowed upon him.

[1:47:28] And he has learned how to shrink things.

Elliott Kalan

[1:47:32] It's maybe the second best shrinking people movie, I'm going to say.

[1:47:36] Yeah.

[1:47:36] After The Incredible Shrinking Man.

[1:47:38] It's a solid shrink.

[1:47:39] And of course, it has everyone's favorite star, Albert Decker, as Dr. Cyclops.

Dan McCoy

[1:47:46] Yeah.

[1:47:47] Yeah.

[1:47:47] There's a team of scientists and various fellow travelers with the scientists that go visit this guy.

[1:47:58] And he gets mad at them and he shrinks them.

[1:48:02] And he tries to kill them.

[1:48:04] And it's about this mad scientist chasing these tiny people around.

[1:48:11] And I thought it's in Technicolor.

[1:48:14] It looks really pretty.

[1:48:14] Sounds awesome.

[1:48:15] It's fun.

[1:48:16] Dr. Cyclops from 1940.

[1:48:19] That sounds great.

[1:48:20] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:48:21] I'm going to recommend a movie on Amazon.

[1:48:24] Wait, let me.

[1:48:24] On Amazon Prime.

[1:48:27] It just popped up.

[1:48:28] It's a movie called The Voyeurs.

[1:48:30] It is an erotic thriller.

[1:48:32] One of those.

[1:48:33] You haven't seen one of those in a while, huh?

[1:48:35] Since Zalman King got out of the game.

[1:48:37] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:48:37] And it is.

[1:48:39] They're always calling him.

[1:48:40] They go to his cabin where he's chopping wood.

[1:48:42] And they go, Zalman King.

[1:48:44] And he goes, how'd you find me?

[1:48:46] We got one more job for you.

[1:48:48] Yeah.

[1:48:49] There was one more red shoe diary.

Stuart Wellington

[1:48:50] It finally made it to the end of the phone book.

[1:48:52] Because Zalman's.

[1:48:53] Whatever.

[1:48:54] Yeah.

[1:48:54] So he.

[1:48:55] So The Voyeurs.

[1:48:56] Yeah.

[1:48:56] Because the phone book is organized by first name.

Elliott Kalan

[1:48:59] So that's why Zalman is at the end of the phone book.

[1:49:01] When was the last time you looked at a phone book, dude?

[1:49:05] My memory could be wrong.

Stuart Wellington

[1:49:06] Maybe it is organized by first name.

[1:49:08] I'm going to get back to my recommendation here.

[1:49:12] So this is a movie about a young couple who move into an apartment.

[1:49:18] And they become obsessed with the personal life of their neighbors who live across the way.

[1:49:24] And they can see into their apartment.

[1:49:27] And it's genuinely like sexy.

[1:49:32] And it looks great.

[1:49:33] And it sounds great.

[1:49:34] And it's just rare to watch a modern movie that has any sex at all.

[1:49:39] Let alone one that's kind of hot.

[1:49:41] So.

[1:49:42] And it's got some fucking nutty twists.

[1:49:44] Yeah.

[1:49:45] So I totally recommend it.

[1:49:47] I think it's great.

[1:49:48] It's got.

[1:49:48] I guess there's a couple things that would be triggering.

[1:49:51] But it's like a weird, horny, erotic thriller.

[1:49:54] So watch.

[1:49:54] Like if.

[1:49:55] If you're up for that, watch that shit.

[1:49:57] It's great.

[1:49:57] I liked the horny parts.

[1:49:59] The twists are pretty silly.

[1:50:00] That's what's great about it.

[1:50:02] Yeah, that's true.

[1:50:03] I feel like as I've gotten older, the sillier the twists, the better.

[1:50:06] Please.

[1:50:06] Yeah, that's true.

Elliott Kalan

[1:50:07] I remember Siskel and Ebert having the exact same conversation about some movie where Ebert

[1:50:11] said, I liked the horny parts.

[1:50:14] Yeah, yeah.

[1:50:15] Of course Ebert would say that.

[1:50:17] Speaking about horny and silly, I wanted to recommend the movie Margaret, directed by Kenneth

[1:50:22] Lonergan, starring Anna Paquin.

[1:50:24] The three-hour cut of it is on Criterion.

[1:50:26] I have not seen the shorter cut that was released to theaters.

[1:50:29] But it's the story of a teenager in high school who lives on the Upper West Side of Manhattan

[1:50:35] who accidentally causes a bus accident that leads to the death of a woman, a random woman.

[1:50:41] And it weighs on her.

[1:50:43] And as she is going through the same kind of trials and tribulations that I'm sure all

[1:50:46] Upper West Side teens go through about who is she and misunderstanding the adult world,

[1:50:51] she becomes more and more focused on feeling like someone needs to be punished for this

[1:50:55] and focuses on the bus driver who is, she feels is as culpable as she is for this bus

[1:51:02] accident.

[1:51:02] And it's a very novelistic movie.

[1:51:05] There's a couple different character strands that kind of don't impact each other but do

[1:51:11] like reinforce and inform each other.

[1:51:15] And it's like a, it's not the kind of movie that's going to be for everybody.

[1:51:19] It feels like you're watching a novel of a movie.

[1:51:21] I've never read a Jonathan Franzen book.

[1:51:23] But there's part of me that was watching that was like, this is probably what a Jonathan Franzen book is like,

[1:51:26] you know, kind of like unhappy well-off people.

[1:51:29] But I thought that it was really well made.

[1:51:32] There's a lot of great scenes in it.

[1:51:33] The performances are really great in it.

[1:51:34] It's also got Matt Damon's in it.

[1:51:36] Matthew Broderick's in it.

[1:51:38] Allison Janney is in it.

[1:51:39] Mark Ruffalo's in it.

[1:51:40] Lots of people are in it.

[1:51:42] Jean Reno is in it playing not an assassin.

[1:51:46] Oh, weird.

[1:51:46] Like playing a very, kind of a quiet character for him.

[1:51:49] There's a lot of, there's a lot of great actors in it.

[1:51:51] And I don't know.

[1:51:52] It might be because it's a very New York movie and it feels very New York.

[1:51:58] And especially New York during the time that I lived there.

[1:52:01] It might be that I liked a lot because there are a lot of scenes that take place at the Metropolitan Opera

[1:52:04] at Lincoln Center, which is a building I know very well.

[1:52:07] And I have a lot of good memories of.

[1:52:09] But like I thought it was just the kind of movie that I don't see a lot of.

[1:52:16] And I understand why it was not a hit.

[1:52:18] You know, it was, the release was delayed for a number of years because there were lawsuits

[1:52:23] between the director and the financiers over the cut of it.

[1:52:27] But I thought it was really satisfying and really good.

[1:52:30] And in a world where I watched a four hour movie of unhappy Batman, I feel like I can watch

[1:52:36] three hours of like actual human beings dealing with like human being stuff.

[1:52:40] So I thought it was really good.

[1:52:42] It's called Margaret.

[1:52:42] The main character's name is not Margaret though.

[1:52:44] So don't go into it expecting Anna Paquin's character to be named Margaret.

[1:52:47] Sorry.

[1:52:48] Spoiler alert.

[1:52:50] Sorry to you.

[1:52:51] There are a bunch of characters.

[1:52:52] There's one fan out there who's really invested in Anna Paquin.

[1:52:53] Who only sees movies where the main character is Margaret.

Stuart Wellington

[1:52:56] Well yeah, it's like when you fire up Legend of Zelda and you're like, cool, I get to play

[1:52:59] Zelda.

[1:52:59] It's like, whoa, not so fast.

Elliott Kalan

[1:53:02] You're looking for Zelda.

[1:53:03] But she's not even looking for Margaret in this.

[1:53:04] But there were a number of characters in it who were like, I was like.

Dan McCoy

[1:53:08] Who's looking for Sugar Man?

[1:53:09] Sugar Man is the.

[1:53:10] Or searching for Sugar Man.

[1:53:11] Yeah.

[1:53:12] I guess you're looking for Mr. Goodbar.

[1:53:14] Is Mr. Goodbar Sugar Man?

[1:53:15] No, he's Forrester.

[1:53:16] Because Mr. Goodbar is a candy bar.

Elliott Kalan

[1:53:18] Because it is a man made of sugar.

[1:53:20] But I think you're actually finding Forrester who is, yeah, who is also a sugary man.

[1:53:25] And has a good bar.

[1:53:27] It's called Hinterlands.

[1:53:28] It's in Brooklyn.

[1:53:29] Oh, wow.

[1:53:30] Stealth plug right there.

[1:53:31] Margaret is like, it's a good movie for someone who doesn't live in New York anymore.

[1:53:34] There's a number of characters who I felt like were like, these are New York people.

[1:53:37] These are people I remember from my time in New York.

[1:53:40] And so I really liked it a lot.

Stuart Wellington

[1:53:43] Well, we did it.

[1:53:44] We did it, guys.

[1:53:45] That was.

[1:53:45] Another one in the can.

[1:53:47] Hit that flusher.

[1:53:49] Get it out of here.

[1:53:50] Make the fish.

[1:53:51] Drink it.

Dan McCoy

[1:53:51] The icy hand of Shocktober is now reaching out to clutch our shoulders.

[1:53:58] As we wave.

[1:53:59] I can't tease what we're going to watch because we haven't decided yet.

Elliott Kalan

[1:54:02] But let's take a moment to wave bye-bye to the tiny hand of Smallvember, which we gently

[1:54:07] removed from our pocket.

[1:54:09] It was attempting to steal a pen.

[1:54:11] Yeah.

[1:54:12] And say, not this time, Smallvember, but you've been great.

Dan McCoy

[1:54:16] Yeah.

[1:54:16] Well, for the Flophouse, I'd like to thank Alex Smith, our producer.

[1:54:22] Uh-huh.

[1:54:23] I would like to thank Maximum Fun, our network.

[1:54:26] And I would like to say goodbye from me, Dan McCoy.

[1:54:31] And me, Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:54:33] And me, Elliot Kalin, who is hoping that I'll see you again later today at our show, September

[1:54:45] 25th, 9 p.m.

[1:54:46] Eastern, 6 p.m.

[1:54:47] Pacific, Super Mario Brothers.

[1:54:48] Go to theflophouse.simpletix.com or go anytime in the next week and you'll be able to pay

[1:54:52] to watch the video.

[1:54:54] But until then.

[1:54:56] Goodbye.

[1:54:57] Bye.

Stuart Wellington

[1:55:01] We didn't even touch on, I think, one of my favorite scenes in the movie when Ram is like,

[1:55:07] okay, so I'm going to show the terrorists the time travel thing, but when they're distracted,

[1:55:12] I'm going to run and use it real quick.

[1:55:14] And he like tried to do it.

[1:55:16] They catch him immediately.

[1:55:18] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:55:18] They just hold their arm out and he runs into it.

[1:55:21] Like, yeah, there was a lot of good stuff in that movie.

[1:55:24] I mean, by good, I mean bad.

[1:55:25] You know.

S4

[1:55:27] MaximumFun.org.

[1:55:29] Comedy and culture.

[1:55:30] Artist owned.

[1:55:31] Audience supported.

Stuart Wellington

[1:55:34] Can I get your attention, please?

[1:55:35] This is the captain speaking.

[1:55:36] Can somebody tell that house cat to stop partying?

[1:55:43] Roarrow.

[1:55:48] Uh-oh.

S4

[1:55:50] The ancient prophecy speaks of a mighty house cat rising from a blood-red sea.

[1:55:56] Some say he was born in a puddle of toxic waste.

[1:56:01] Some say he's the son of the devil himself.

[1:56:04] He hangs out with the flophouse guys.

[1:56:07] He's the house cat.

[1:56:08] Roarrow.

[1:56:09] Did you, did you, did you know about the house cat?

[1:56:12] Roarrow.

[1:56:13] That house cat is a badass.

[1:56:16] He's a house cat.

[1:56:17] Roarrow.

[1:56:18] No nerds allowed.

[1:56:20] Not when the house cat's in town.

[1:56:21] Roarrow.

[1:56:22] Did you know about the house cat?

Stuart Wellington

[1:56:25] Uh-oh.

S4

[1:56:26] Excuse me, doctor, but the diagnosis for that house cat is...

[1:56:30] Radical.

[1:56:35] Well, of course, he's ten feet tall.

[1:56:37] He's covered in silky white-black fur.

[1:56:40] He only wears his baseball cap on backwards.

[1:56:42] He's incredibly wealthy.

[1:56:44] Sunglasses?

[1:56:46] A necessity.

[1:56:47] Sometimes he wears overalls.

Stuart Wellington

[1:56:49] He doesn't smoke cigarettes because they're bad for your health.

[1:56:52] His favorite instrument?

[1:56:53] The guitar.

[1:56:54] Favorite food?

[1:56:55] Pizza.

[1:56:56] Favorite movie?

[1:56:57] Road to Perdition.

[1:56:59] Favorite book?

S4

[1:57:00] Tuck Everlasting.

[1:57:01] Pop, pop, house cat.

[1:57:02] Roarrow.

[1:57:07] Roarrow.

[1:57:08] The house cat does not play by the rules.

[1:57:12] Roarrow.

[1:57:13] It's been four days since we went out into the bush and that flophouse cat is going completely

Stuart Wellington

[1:57:18] feral.

S4

[1:57:20] Uh-oh.

[1:57:20] He's wearing his overalls, picking up babes, eating some food, drinking some brews, knocking

[1:57:30] over nerds, breaking the rules, ruining weddings and breaking up fools.

[1:57:39] No way, two babes at once?

[1:57:44] First one.

[1:57:45] I've been with too many human zeros.

[1:57:49] Time to get with the house cat hero.

[1:57:52] House cat.

[1:57:53] Roarrow.

[1:57:54] No, no, no, no, no.

[1:57:55] Leave the sunglasses.

[1:57:57] Roarrow.

[1:57:58] We sure hope you haven't been declawed.

Stuart Wellington

[1:58:01] P-p-punky house cat.

S4

[1:58:02] Roarrow.

[1:58:06] Roarrow.

[1:58:08] Who gave that cat those clothes?

[1:58:11] Roarrow.

[1:58:12] Mr. President, have you ever heard of a house cat?

[1:58:16] Roarrow.

[1:58:17] He's so powerful.

[1:58:18] Uh-oh.

[1:58:21] I don't know what's going on here, officer.

[1:58:23] That house cat should be in class, but instead he stole my girlfriend.

[1:58:28] House cat.

[1:58:29] Roarrow.

[1:58:34] Roarrow.

[1:58:35] Where'd he come from?

[1:58:36] That's the thing nobody knows.

[1:58:39] Roarrow.

[1:58:40] You're going to have to hand in your badge and gun unless you can turn in this house cat that's been terrorizing the town.

Stuart Wellington

[1:58:47] Uh-oh.

S4

[1:58:48] And the award for baddest dude goes to...

[1:58:51] Huh.

[1:58:52] The house cat, of course.

[1:58:53] The house cat, of course.

S4

[1:59:12] Roarrow.

[1:59:13] Roarrow.

Ep. #352 - Black Easter

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