Ep. #352 - Black Easter

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Black Easter, when the title Assassin 33 A.D. wasn't cool enough.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:37] Hey! It's me, Stuart Wellington.

[0:39] Hey guys, it's me, Elliot Kalin. Let's stop laughing for a minute.

[0:42] We've got professional business before we get to the movie today.

[0:44] Today, if you are listening to this episode on the day of release, which is September 25th,

[0:49] then you might know, or may not know, and you should know, that tonight,

[0:52] we will be appearing live, remotely, via your computer,

[0:56] talking about the Super Mario Brothers movie

[0:58] at 9 p.m. Eastern time, 6 p.m. Pacific time.

[1:01] That's right.

[1:02] We're doing a live remote show today.

[1:03] Tonight, it's a surprise show,

[1:06] but it's not a surprise.

[1:07] We've been promoting it for like a month and a half now.

[1:08] But if you weren't aware of it,

[1:10] tonight, if you're watching this,

[1:11] watching, if you're watching this episode,

[1:13] then stop watching me.

[1:14] If you're listening to this episode, though,

[1:15] then on the day of release, September 25th,

[1:18] and it is tonight, September 25th,

[1:20] just go to theflophouse.simpletix.com for tickets.

[1:26] It's $10.

[1:26] We're going to be talking about Super Mario Brothers.

[1:27] We're going to have new presentations.

[1:28] We're going to be taking questions from the audience.

[1:31] I'll tell you more about it later in the show.

[1:33] But if this is the first time you're hearing about it and you're like, I don't have plans tonight.

[1:36] I want to hear the Flophouse talk about stuff.

[1:38] Then go to theflophouse.simpletix.com and get tickets for tonight.

[1:42] If you can't watch it tonight, getting a ticket gets you access to one week's worth of the archival video.

[1:48] You have a week to watch it.

[1:49] Not that you have to watch the video slowed down so it lasts a week to watch.

[1:53] That would be not a great way to watch it.

[1:55] A little bit each night as a treat.

[1:57] Yeah, but that's tonight, if you're listening to this, on September 25th.

[2:01] But let's get to the movie.

[2:02] We'll talk more about that show later.

[2:03] Let's get to the movie, right, Dan?

[2:04] Because what do we do on this podcast?

[2:05] Can we talk about this dumb movie?

[2:06] Yeah, what do we do on this podcast, Dan?

[2:09] This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[2:12] This is Small-Tember right now.

[2:15] Small-Tember.

[2:15] The month of the year where we watch smaller movies rather than the usual Hollywood schlock.

[2:21] Schlockbuster.

[2:23] This isn't a schlockbuster.

[2:24] This is a – what's a movie for – what's a word for a little movie?

[2:28] It's schlock-dependent?

[2:29] Yeah.

[2:31] Like an independent film?

[2:32] No.

[2:33] No.

[2:34] Okay.

[2:35] No, Elliot.

[2:36] Stu, I'm hearing a lot of no's, but I'm not hearing a lot of suggestions.

[2:41] I mean, you're identifying the problem, but not a solution.

[2:44] No, Elliot.

[2:45] No.

[2:45] Not schlock-dependent.

[2:47] Well, Dan, it's schlock-dependent films.

[2:50] That's what it is.

[2:50] I never tried disappointment before to shut Elliot up.

[2:53] It really works.

[2:54] it really really works um no well this movie uh it's a small guy that also has been released

[3:04] previously under a different name and a different cut it used to be yeah this is a movie that came

[3:10] out in 2020 and then came out in a longer version in 2021 yep for the real fiends out there originally

[3:16] known as assassin 33 ad and uh apparently that cut was goofier i'm a little sad that we didn't

[3:25] watch that one i picked this one just because it was the one that was available on a streaming

[3:30] service um i mean i wonder how it i wonder how it was goofier that's my question i'm guessing the

[3:37] order of things i think that's there are a few sillier ideas according to letterbox that got

[3:44] like that left in i think it was a little more overtly christian even though it's pretty overtly

[3:50] christian i don't know how the movie literally is all about how jesus is the lord it's kind of

[3:54] hard yeah more overtly christian than that i've only been able to glean very that tiny bit though

[4:00] from i mean speaking as a jewish person who's only who whose only experience of movies before

[4:06] this has been the coen brothers a serious man this was an extremely christian movie

[4:10] If I'm judging them on that continuum of a serious man having almost no Christian content and Black Easter being almost entirely Christian content, it's very Christian.

[4:18] Those are the only two movies I've ever seen.

[4:20] That's true.

[4:21] Although, I mean, for all you know, having only seen those two movies, a serious man could be very Christian as well.

[4:27] Just a lot less Christian.

[4:29] I guess if there was a movie that wasn't – I mean, there are movies in Yiddish.

[4:32] So, yeah, I guess, yeah, it could be.

[4:34] So should we – I'm going to be summarizing the movie today.

[4:38] You guys are getting me so fucking excited.

[4:40] Can we just get to the movie?

[4:41] Okay, let's get to this movie.

[4:43] So as Dan mentioned, we watched Black Easter,

[4:45] the recut of Assassin 33 AD.

[4:47] Now, right off the top,

[4:49] I think I've determined a really interesting linking

[4:53] between the other film we watched for a small member, of course,

[4:56] Andy, a Talking Hedgehog.

[4:58] Andy, the Talking Hedgehog, Stuart.

[5:01] Not merely a Talking Hedgehog,

[5:03] although there was another Talking Hedgehog in the movie.

[5:06] I'm glad that you noticed me throw salt all over his game right there.

[5:09] So what I want to point out is both movies have really good voiceovers,

[5:15] really good voiceover narrations.

[5:16] I didn't realize that was part of small Vember movies,

[5:20] but most of this movie sounds like it's being narrated by a talking animal.

[5:24] Yeah.

[5:26] And by the way, he is because his name's Ram, which is an animal.

[5:29] And also he's a human, which is a kind of animal.

[5:31] I mean, both feel like they're being narrated by someone

[5:34] who is recording over a phone line.

[5:35] So, yeah, that's part of it.

[5:37] We're in a small room.

[5:37] So, guys, but first, Black Easter, it doesn't just start –

[5:41] this is a movie that is unafraid to tell you at the outset how amazing it is

[5:45] because the credits open with a string of award commendations,

[5:48] just one after the other.

[5:50] There's probably 30 of them.

[5:51] And they're from places like film festivals I was not aware of.

[5:54] I saw it won an award at the Warsaw International Film Festival,

[5:57] not one I was aware of.

[5:59] I couldn't find where I had read this,

[6:02] But someone on the internet has looked into these awards and found them to be non-existent, not in place – like they've called up and checked about these awards.

[6:13] And so he's opening the movie with a string of lies as far as I've been able to see.

[6:19] Thank you, cyber sleuths.

[6:20] And so many.

[6:21] And so the only award that's listed on the IMDb page for Assassin 33 AD is a nomination for the Indiana Film Journalists Association's Original Vision Award.

[6:29] Did not win apparently.

[6:31] But, yeah, it takes such chutzpah, which I can't believe I'm saying for such a non-Jewish movie.

[6:36] It takes such chutzpah to start a movie with a string of, as Dan's saying, non-existent award commendations.

[6:42] And then when you get to the credits.

[6:44] Flying at you like the credits from Superman.

[6:48] Yeah, it's a barrage.

[6:49] It's like you are an attacker who is chasing the director and he is hurling awards at you in a desperate attempt to get you to slow down so he can escape.

[6:58] Okay.

[6:59] No, I know we're blowing right through this plot here, guys, but I just want to point out, Elliot, when I watched it—

[7:04] I mean, we are roughly 20 seconds into the film, yeah.

[7:06] When I watched this movie last night, I do have to warn you that I was incredibly drunk, so I may have missed some of the intricate plotting.

[7:14] Yeah, well, this movie later turns into the primer of Christian time travel movies, so I think you probably did miss some of the plot.

[7:23] Hopefully, Elliot will be the blade that cuts through this Gordian knot.

[7:27] Here's the comment.

[7:27] I'll take us through it.

[7:28] Buckle up because it's going to be a somewhat bumpy ride and you're drunk.

[7:31] But I think here's the thing I'll say about it.

[7:34] If you want to put a blurb on the poster, producer Black Easter, better sound recording than Primer, raves Elliot Kalin.

[7:41] Wow.

[7:41] Because I love Primer, but you cannot record two guys standing next to a fountain with a shotgun mic.

[7:48] I'm sorry.

[7:48] You're not going to be able to hear them.

[7:50] But Primer is a great time travel movie.

[7:51] It's just very hard to hear at times.

[7:53] But again, the movie famously was made for what, like $7,000 or something like that?

[7:56] And the guy who made it turns out is kind of a creep, so whatever.

[7:59] Yeah, yeah.

[7:59] Well, I can like the movie with that.

[8:02] I didn't like his other movies very much, or other movies.

[8:04] Good save.

[8:05] Okay, let's get to this movie.

[8:06] All right, guys.

[8:07] Okay, so the credits then begin, but uh-oh,

[8:10] I hope you didn't think you were going to watch all the credits

[8:12] because the opening credits get interrupted by a voiceover telling us

[8:17] that the narrator had to piece the story together

[8:19] from three different time continuums, so it's going to be complicated.

[8:22] And then over a long montage of stock footage,

[8:26] He asks us what we would do if we could travel through time.

[8:28] Would we change our life or would we be okay with God's will having brought us this far?

[8:33] It's – so this movie – so the movie has not even – has barely started and it's already – it's thrown award after award at you.

[8:41] It has refused to finish the opening credits and it has gone into a stock footage montage that is stating the theme I guess.

[8:47] But it's – and the main character's voiceover is so smug right off the top of the bat.

[8:53] Like this is before the character has described himself as a genius, which happens later.

[8:59] But it was like – I thought it was – it was so strange to see – we've all seen movies where a character has been in a precarious situation.

[9:06] You've seen two.

[9:07] I've seen – well, we haven't seen – I mean I forgot I'd seen three movies.

[9:10] Maverick with Mel Gibson was one of them.

[9:12] And in that one, he's in a dangerous situation and then it cuts back to how he got there.

[9:15] How did you forget that one?

[9:15] Yeah.

[9:16] How Jewish is that movie compared to the other two?

[9:19] How what?

[9:21] It's right smack dab in the middle because it's not overtly Jewish, but it's not overtly – actually, you know what?

[9:27] They sing Amazing Grace in it.

[9:28] So you know what?

[9:29] It is on the more Christian end of the spectrum.

[9:31] But he does have to deal with, I think, riverboat gambling, which of course is in the Bible.

[9:39] So when I think that's Noah's Ark, he briefly opens a riverboat casino for the animals.

[9:47] I have something to do, you know?

[9:49] But the movie doesn't even interrupt a scene for this.

[9:51] It interrupts the opening credits for this.

[9:53] When you got an octopus, one of the octopuses is doing the roulette table because he's got those long tentacles.

[10:00] Well, the thing is, Noah didn't really have a lot of sea creatures on the ark because they kind of handled themselves in the deluge.

[10:06] It was really more the land animals he was trying to take care of.

[10:09] Yeah, but the octopus wants to come up because it's fun.

[10:11] He's just a paying customer.

[10:14] He wants to be where the people are.

[10:16] Yeah, that he wants to be part of their world like in the movie The Little Octopus.

[10:19] Yeah.

[10:20] So anyway, we cut to the first scene.

[10:23] There's a lot of identifiers on the screens for the times, which we need because it's so complicated.

[10:28] It says 33 AD.

[10:29] And a commando team attacks Jesus and his followers.

[10:33] The leader of the commandos, who will later learn his name, Brant, he tells the man who is Jesus, but we don't quite know yet who's been shot.

[10:40] He goes, if you're really God, you can stop that bullet.

[10:44] And then he shoots Jesus in the head for taking my family.

[10:47] So, guys, this movie just throws you in the deep end right off the bat.

[10:51] How did you feel about it?

[10:52] Well, I want to take this moment to say, before we get even further into this episode, content warning for deicide.

[11:00] Content warning for patricide and matricide.

[11:04] Let's see.

[11:05] The killing of a mattress, yeah.

[11:07] A lot of Islamophobia and just sort of, oh, they're pretty careful with that.

[11:13] They're careful in the way of a person who knows

[11:16] that they're going to be accused of a lot of Islamophobia

[11:19] because the premise is Islamophobic.

[11:22] Yeah, it's the I'm not touching you racism.

[11:25] Yeah, but for as goofy a movie this is,

[11:29] there's a lot of potentially upsetting stuff in it.

[11:31] Again, not the goofy movie.

[11:34] It's so silly that it's very hard to...

[11:36] It's a very silly movie about religious terrorism

[11:40] and time travel and multiple deaths.

[11:43] There's a lot of gunshot deaths in this movie.

[11:45] Yeah.

[11:45] Okay, so that was 33 AD.

[11:48] Now a text about 2,000 years later.

[11:50] And this is where I was like, wait a minute.

[11:51] So you've accurately pinpointed the year of Jesus' crucifixion,

[11:55] but you cannot accurately pinpoint the year that this guy,

[11:58] the main character, is in grad school.

[12:00] The records are spotty.

[12:02] It's about 2,000 years after that.

[12:04] It doesn't make sense.

[12:05] We meet our narrating hero.

[12:06] His name is, with the very realistic name of Ram Goldstein.

[12:09] Now, here's my theory about his name.

[12:12] Go on.

[12:13] My theory about his name is they're trying to make this character Jewish without ever saying he's Jewish.

[12:18] And a football player.

[12:19] And a football player.

[12:20] But also like maybe he's the ram that Abraham sacrificed after God told him not to sacrifice his son Isaac.

[12:29] That's my only guess.

[12:29] Because otherwise he's a tall, thin – what's the name of the guy from The Office and Veep?

[12:35] Zach Woods.

[12:38] He's a real Zach Woods looking tall, thin guy.

[12:40] Doesn't really seem like much of a ram.

[12:43] And I don't, it's hard for me to think of what Ram is short for.

[12:45] So it's either a nickname or his parents named him Ram for some reason.

[12:48] Ramstein.

[12:48] Short for Ramstein, yeah.

[12:50] His name is Ramstein.

[12:50] Yeah, his name is Ramstein.

[12:51] Ramstein Goldstein.

[12:52] I imagine, Ramstein Goldstein, yeah.

[12:56] I mean, you understand why he shortens it.

[13:00] Yeah, totally, yeah.

[13:02] Makes sense.

[13:03] So Ram Goldstein, he is a cocky genius.

[13:06] He tells us in the voiceover that he's kind of a genius.

[13:08] And as he is busy acing the hardest test in this class that nobody's ever aced before, he meets his classmate, Amy, who in VO is also described as a genius.

[13:17] He then describes how they fall in love, and we see a montage of them falling in love.

[13:21] But then we jump back to their first meeting as if the montage of them falling in love never happened to see her ask him out, and he's kind of surprised by it.

[13:28] And it's like, dude, you just told us this.

[13:30] Why are you telling us in two different ways that you're now in love interest?

[13:33] He seems to be really into how cocky and much of a jerk he is.

[13:39] Now, you've got to give the movie credit for this.

[13:41] They're not doing a lot to make you like the main character.

[13:43] He presents himself as a cocky genius and continues to be that way.

[13:47] I mean, they are setting him up as explicitly a non-Christian scientist who does not believe in God, as we'll see later, and is going to get his comeuppance because the movie is called Black Easter.

[13:59] It's not called Nietzsche Was Right, the movie.

[14:02] This is not his God is dead, the rebuttal to God's not dead starring Kevin Sorbo.

[14:07] Like this is, you know, the movie is where you almost never have a movie where with Jesus in the first scene that doesn't end with Jesus being shown to be God later on.

[14:17] I mean, if there's a hard time for me to think of any.

[14:19] Okay, three months later, forget that.

[14:22] Now it's three months later.

[14:23] We're watching Brandt, the commando from earlier.

[14:26] As the VO tells us, he's a war hero who's now a family man.

[14:29] He's driving with his inexplicably British wife and their two blonde daughters.

[14:33] And it's like a car commercial.

[14:35] It's like shot with like a drone and all that.

[14:39] It's great.

[14:39] Yeah, John Hammond's doing a voiceover.

[14:41] And his wife is Heidi Montag from The Hills.

[14:43] Oh, right.

[14:44] Later on, I showed a picture of the actor playing Jesus to Audrey, his IMDb photo.

[14:52] And she recognized him as he had been on a singing competition.

[14:56] I can't remember which one.

[14:58] So the guy clearly got a bunch of reality stars.

[15:01] Probably the masked messiah, was that it?

[15:02] Yeah, got some bona fides here.

[15:04] Yeah.

[15:05] So, yeah, these are real stars.

[15:07] So his wife tells him that she's short.

[15:11] They have a very awkward moment,

[15:12] which in another movie would be Hera telling him,

[15:14] this isn't working, I want a divorce.

[15:16] But instead she tells him,

[15:17] I really think God's planning for you

[15:18] to do something miraculous.

[15:19] And he's like, thanks, honey.

[15:21] And then immediately he plows into a truck

[15:22] and kills her and their daughters.

[15:24] So, which is one of those things where he's like,

[15:26] God, how could you do this?

[15:28] but it's like, dude, you were not paying attention to the road.

[15:30] Like, that was not, you were not driving safely.

[15:31] Yeah, he immediately shifts to, like, the raging at God specifically

[15:36] as the cause of his problem.

[15:38] Well, it's part of the five stages of grief.

[15:41] First there is denial.

[15:42] Go on.

[15:43] Then raging at God, and that's it.

[15:45] There's just two stages.

[15:46] Wow.

[15:47] The third stage is ignoring stages three through five.

[15:50] Yeah, yeah.

[15:51] Well, actually, the third, I don't, it's spoilers.

[15:53] The third stage is going back in time to kill God.

[15:55] The fourth stage is getting caught in some time travel shenanigans, and the fifth stage is eventually things are okay.

[16:01] Yeah.

[16:02] I don't think you watched the end of the movie.

[16:05] That's true.

[16:06] So, yeah, he gets chucked out of the vehicle, car's flipped upside down, and we know things are bad because the doll his daughters were playing with in the back seat has been chucked out into this road with him.

[16:17] I feel like that is immediately a sign that if you see a doll with no child, it's curtains for the child.

[16:25] Unless that doll is Chucky, in which case, keep kids away from that doll.

[16:28] Yeah.

[16:29] I mean, yeah, if you see Chucky, it's already curtains for the children.

[16:31] Kids shouldn't play with dead things or Chucky's.

[16:34] Obviously, the doll as signifier for dead child is a clear nod to Fritz Lang's M,

[16:39] in which the ball the child is playing with rolls to a stop, thus signifying that Peter Lorre's killed him.

[16:43] Black Easter is full of these little cinematic Easter eggs, if you will.

[16:47] Yeah, I won't.

[16:48] Now we cut to, you won't?

[16:50] Okay, then, never mind.

[16:51] We cut to Lab 19.

[16:54] This is not a time indicator.

[16:55] We have not entered a new timeline where lab is a month and 19 is a day.

[17:00] Lab 19 is a place where Ram—

[17:02] Named for the laboratory retriever that saved the world from those aliens when we renamed the calendar after him.

[17:08] Yeah, in Space Bud.

[17:09] That was the name of the movie.

[17:10] It was the sequel to Air Bud.

[17:12] So Lab 19, Ram and Amy are now working with two other geniuses, laid-back, cocky Simon and nervous, stuffed penguin-obsessed Felix.

[17:21] Felix is obsessed with his stuffed penguin, and this never really pays off in anything particularly.

[17:26] They're trying to invent a teleportation machine, and Ram is mocking Amy for praying before their next test.

[17:32] He's like, ugh, God, can you really believe in that stuff?

[17:35] It seems like this is a good time for her to dump him.

[17:39] It's three months in.

[17:40] They're coworkers now.

[17:41] He refuses to believe – he's just mocking her religious beliefs.

[17:46] Especially like in public at this point, right?

[17:49] Yeah, in front of their coworkers.

[17:51] ram is all science amy's all about god they're a classic odd couple uh dan what would you call

[17:56] the sitcom that's about the two of them where ram is really all science and amy's all god but they

[18:01] love each other one of them likes god yes and we're talking about the odd couple okay i would

[18:11] probably call it uh sciency and the jesus okay so jesus is one of the couple yeah the one who

[18:21] likes jesus i mean i think i think the obvious choice is big bang she also likes actually she

[18:27] also likes uh big lebowski so yeah yeah the interest played by john turturro playing the

[18:33] jesus from actually stewart the big bang theory is a much better name for that show than for the

[18:37] show that it's actually uh the name for yeah wait it's already being used for a show oh boy it's

[18:43] it's understandable that you haven't heard of it uh it's only the most successful television show

[18:48] in the history of television um more more more successful than two and a half men uh two and a

[18:54] half men is actually a guy saul two and a half men he's anyway uh so let's go back to the movie

[19:00] shall we so uh amy's all about god they try to transport a chair and the machine explodes oh boy

[19:05] back to the drawing board, or so they think.

[19:08] So they're doing science to make chairs move from one place to another place.

[19:12] Yes, they're looking for a way to solve the problem that humanity faces

[19:15] of it being too difficult to move chairs.

[19:17] Yeah, I get it.

[19:19] Let me tell you, we've got folding chairs in the garage.

[19:21] When family comes over for a holiday,

[19:23] I've got to move them from the garage to the dining room.

[19:25] It's a hassle.

[19:27] There's got to be a better way.

[19:28] Amy, Ram, do you have a suggestion?

[19:31] That's why we've got the chair-a-riser.

[19:33] that's right the chair riser is the best way to move chairs without actually using your physical

[19:38] body it should what about you do yeah you do have to move the chair to the chair riser so you are

[19:44] moving the chair a little bit now the chair riser though is is authorized and endorsed by paul riser

[19:49] that's why we called it chair riser oh that makes sense hi you may remember me from the movie aliens

[19:54] well something you're going to be alien from is moving your chairs when you get the chair riser

[20:00] The only product with my name on it.

[20:03] Me, Paul Chair Riser.

[20:05] I've changed my nickname to Chair.

[20:07] I'd like to pitch an alternate product called Cherry 2000.

[20:12] Okay.

[20:13] And now tell me more about this project and the movie tie-in.

[20:17] Well, it does the same thing.

[20:19] It's just a cheaper version.

[20:20] But, you know, the 2000 makes it sound futuristic.

[20:23] It does.

[20:24] I mean, 2000 the year is now way in the past.

[20:26] But, you know, sure.

[20:27] Are we in the pitching thing space of this episode?

[20:30] We certainly are.

[20:31] I'd like to pitch an Animorphs book where Paul Reiser turns into a set of Reisers.

[20:36] Wait, so that's not an animal, though.

[20:38] That's the thing.

[20:41] Animorphs have gone long past animals, Elliot.

[20:43] Grow up, okay?

[20:44] You're right.

[20:46] I'm still a kid looking at Animorphs and expecting animals.

[20:49] I didn't realize it was any object.

[20:51] Anything.

[20:52] So the cover of the book would be Paul Reiser morphing into a set of Reisers.

[20:56] Into a set of risers, yeah.

[20:58] And what would happen when he turned into a riser?

[20:59] He'd just provide seating for people, just like with a chair riser.

[21:02] Paul Riser's all about seating.

[21:03] That's why your idea gave me an even better idea.

[21:07] Yeah, it is a better idea.

[21:09] He would do a little neurotic comedy about it, like, hey, look at me.

[21:12] Everyone's sitting on me, you know.

[21:13] Oh, I don't get no respect.

[21:15] I stole that tagline from Roger Dangerfield.

[21:17] And, yeah, I mean, it does make sense now why his show's called

[21:21] Mad About You Sitting On Me.

[21:22] Yeah.

[21:24] He's both mad about it like, yeah, he's like, I can't believe you're sitting on me still, Helen Hunt.

[21:29] Every episode was Helen Hunt sitting on him in different situations and getting furious about it.

[21:34] Yeah, but he loves it too.

[21:35] I'm being sworn in as president of the United States.

[21:37] Why are you sitting on me?

[21:39] It's such a show of disrespect.

[21:40] I'm getting gallbladder surgery.

[21:42] Why are you sitting on me?

[21:43] No, but he still likes it.

[21:44] Yeah.

[21:45] Yeah.

[21:45] I'm going back in time to assassinate Jesus and you're sitting on me.

[21:49] Okay, so Ram and Amy and Simon and Felix,

[21:53] They think that they are going to get reamed by their boss.

[21:55] But no, their boss, Ahmed, he's not going to yell at them.

[21:59] He's going to show them video of the test that shows they actually did transport a chair for one split second.

[22:04] They did it.

[22:05] They invented teleportation.

[22:06] And the chair riser is reality as long as you want the chairs to not go anywhere and then explode.

[22:10] They get promoted to a much better lab in the same building, and you're like, wait a minute.

[22:14] Why did you have them working at this crappier lab on a different floor when you have a better lab?

[22:19] It seemed like he had several teams working at once.

[22:22] There's a lot of redundancy in Ahmed's organization.

[22:25] And Charlene pointed out that all these labs, their security measure is someone on the doorframe has drawn the outline of a hand to be the handprint scanner.

[22:36] Yeah, it's more a suggestion of security than anything else.

[22:39] Brant also works for Ahmed.

[22:41] He works security, and he does not get along with Ahmed's assistant, Sabir.

[22:45] And Brant tells Ahmed, as you would normally tell your boss, about how you're angry at God for taking your family from you.

[22:51] And Ahmed has a flashback to his own parents having their throats cut back in whatever caricature Middle Eastern country he's supposed to be from.

[22:58] It is not named, and all you know is that brigands are running around slashing people's throats in marketplaces.

[23:03] With curved daggers that he now mounts on his desk.

[23:07] Yeah, now is that – and so it shows him at some point – I don't remember if it's here.

[23:11] Like he takes the dagger and slashes the face of the person who did it.

[23:13] Is that the same dagger and he's always kept it with him?

[23:16] It's got to be.

[23:16] It's got to be, right?

[23:17] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[23:17] That's his signature dagger.

[23:20] Now that he's a supervillain, he needs his signature dagger.

[23:22] Or is it like one of those prop replicas that people buy where they're like,

[23:26] I can't really get a Star Trek phaser, but I bought a replica of it.

[23:30] I'm not allowed to carry a real Batleth into the movie theater.

[23:34] Well, what movie are they trying to bring a Batleth into?

[23:39] A Star Wars movie.

[23:40] Okay.

[23:41] Well, because they're asking for trouble.

[23:42] I see.

[23:43] Okay, so weeks later, while making out with Amy behind the computer server, the only place they think they're free from the security cameras, Ram notices that Ahmed is using the computer system to communicate outside of the country.

[23:57] And when he plugs in his computer device into it, he sees the video of it.

[24:01] Ahmed is talking to Rashad Amir, the most wanted terrorist in the world, who also killed Ahmed's parents, and for somehow he's working with them.

[24:10] And Ram and Amy make the decision to decide to report it later and then go back to working on building the teleporter that the terrorist is going to use.

[24:18] It's a strange choice.

[24:20] Yeah.

[24:21] I mean, this movie is weird because to some degree, like, it will work for certain stretches, like, on the sense that, like, it knows what a movie is.

[24:35] Like, this movie is less incompetently made than a lot of small timber movies.

[24:39] It has the beats of a blockbuster movie in its head.

[24:45] I mean, second time's a charm, you know?

[24:47] It's just really dumb and silly while doing it.

[24:50] Like, super dumb and silly.

[24:52] And this is one of the big moments where I'm like,

[24:56] they seem, they're like, ah, we'll handle that after work.

[25:00] In the meantime, we'll go back to trying to do the thing

[25:04] that we now know we shouldn't do.

[25:06] Anyway, the teleporter that the terrorist mastermind

[25:08] wants to use isn't going to invent itself. Let's make

[25:10] it happen. It's almost like they're like,

[25:12] well, there's no evil way to send a chair

[25:14] somewhere, so I think it's fine.

[25:16] Yeah.

[25:18] I think that's probably it.

[25:19] The characters do a lot of things that the plot needs them to do,

[25:22] but where it doesn't make sense for the characters

[25:24] to do it. Okay. We'll see

[25:26] a number of those later on.

[25:27] While working on it, Ram has a breakthrough.

[25:30] The teleporter has to account

[25:32] for time. He makes up some science mumbo

[25:35] jumbo about two things existing in the same

[25:36] place, same time. He's got it. And the way that he makes it account for time is he tells the

[25:40] computer, send it to the future. And it works. He secretly tests it with a little pencil eraser and

[25:46] it works. It's a time machine now. And this is one of multiple times movie where Ram tries to

[25:50] outsmart the bad guys and completely fails almost instantly where he sets up this secret test and

[25:55] he's like, I did it. And they have no idea. And the guards immediately rush in or like, we saw

[25:59] what you did. We're taking you to the boss. Uh, so Ahmed, uh, demands Ram telling the secret of

[26:04] making the time machine work.

[26:05] They argue a little bit

[26:06] about the time travel ethics

[26:07] of doing things in the past

[26:09] and also the power of God.

[26:10] Turns out Ram both encrypted

[26:12] and deleted his time travel files.

[26:13] Seems like redundancy to do both,

[26:15] but he did them both.

[26:17] So they have to have Brant

[26:19] try to beat the info out of him.

[26:20] And Ahmed tells Ram's gang,

[26:23] hey, he did it

[26:24] and the project's classified now,

[26:26] so now Ram is working closely

[26:27] with the army

[26:28] and you're going to have to

[26:28] give me your phones

[26:29] and you can't leave.

[26:30] And the other,

[26:31] and Ram's coworkers are like,

[26:33] Seems a little off.

[26:34] Yeah, that seems weird.

[26:37] I don't know, but okay, you are the boss.

[26:40] They're still doing it for love of the game, you know?

[26:42] Okay, so Ahmed, at this point, he is not wasting time.

[26:48] He brings in Ram's parents, and he says,

[26:51] tell me the secret or I'll kill them, and Ram doesn't.

[26:53] So Ahmed kills them.

[26:54] They're both shot in the back of the head by Ram.

[26:57] I found the scene to be legitimately upsetting

[27:01] because first like Ram has to watch his father get shot in the head

[27:06] while his mom watches her husband die and then his mom.

[27:12] And I'm like, well, didn't this movie start off with kind of a goofy voiceover

[27:17] where like he's like, oh, my life is great.

[27:21] I'm a genius.

[27:21] It was such a weird total shift.

[27:24] Get ready because this story is going to be a little wacky.

[27:27] Anyway, I'm a super genius.

[27:29] There's my girl.

[27:30] She's a hottie.

[27:31] She's also a genius.

[27:31] Anyway, my mom had to watch my dad get shot in the back of the head.

[27:34] And then I had to watch her get shot in the back of the head.

[27:36] Crazy, right?

[27:37] Time for us to have a time travel adventure, you know.

[27:40] Well, and then, like, that emotional, like, whiplash was tempered by the fact that the thing that makes him finally give things up is they're like, oh, we'll torture your girlfriend.

[27:49] And I'm like, okay.

[27:50] I mean, I know that, like, people have breaking points, but it does feel kind of, like, cold that he's like, yeah, shoot mom and dad.

[27:59] That's okay.

[28:00] He had a weird childhood, Dan.

[28:03] Yeah, and it's established earlier that he lives with his mom and dad still,

[28:07] so there's probably a lot of tension there.

[28:08] He's like, oh, if I could just get a day away from them.

[28:11] And, you know, let's look at Ram.

[28:13] Somebody's sleeping in the master suite tonight.

[28:15] Yeah, and it looks like I'm going to just step over to the master bathroom

[28:21] from the master bed instead of having to get out of my basement bed,

[28:24] pee in a bucket, then take the bucket and pour it into the sink

[28:27] next to the washing machine because that's how I go to the bathroom

[28:30] have been my part of the house that was all in the original assassin 33 ad cut right you have to

[28:35] assume you have to assume yeah i'm not this is all this is all canon uh also look ram i think is like

[28:40] a girl liked me that's not gonna happen again don't hurt amy so because he's not i'll have more

[28:45] parents yeah i can always get parents i'll go i'll go to the parent store uh so uh he's like it's

[28:51] gonna take me time to rebuild this time machine and ahmed goes you have three days and then uh

[28:56] and then you can ahmed says and then you can go back in time and save your parents meanwhile

[28:59] Now, Brant, who's feeling conflicted, I think he left the room after the parents were threatened.

[29:04] He wasn't there when they were killed.

[29:05] But he's sitting in a hallway, and he tells God that it's God's fault for putting him in this position.

[29:09] And he literally says to God, that's on you.

[29:11] And it's like, dude, I don't think so.

[29:13] It's ridiculous for you to just be like, hey, man, I'm a stone-cold killer now.

[29:18] And it's because you put me in this decision, God.

[29:20] I have no free will.

[29:22] I am abdicating free will.

[29:23] This is all on you.

[29:24] You know, in a way, it's all on God, which, hmm.

[29:29] Wait a minute, it's all on God.

[29:31] Yeah, it's some real Santa Killers logic right there.

[29:33] Guys, we got to go fill out the paperwork to get a wire put up on God

[29:36] so we can get the evidence we need to prove it was all on him.

[29:39] We can arrest him and throw him in jail.

[29:41] Do you think God uses a cell phone?

[29:44] Because that would make it a lot easier.

[29:45] It's a flip phone, though.

[29:47] He's behind the times.

[29:49] God, you got to get with it.

[29:51] He can't even text.

[29:52] Oh, God, you devil.

[29:53] It's ironic because he is literally the word made flesh, but he can't text.

[29:57] Okay, so Ram then explains in – Ram, Space Knight, then explains in – yeah.

[30:03] He explains that, yeah, Moon Knight is a different character, Dan, soon to be on Disney+.

[30:07] So Ram, Space Knight is not going to be on Disney+, because Marvel doesn't own the rights to the character.

[30:13] Hasbro does.

[30:14] Moon Knight is similar to a Space Knight because the moon is in space.

[30:19] That's a good point.

[30:20] That's a good point.

[30:20] Moon Knight in space.

[30:21] I get confused all the time.

[30:25] Yeah, Moon Knight is always like, he's always getting space, he's always getting Rom's coffee at Starbucks.

[30:30] They hand it to him and he goes, oh, no, no, I'm Moon Knight, not Space Knight.

[30:33] And they're like, whatever.

[30:34] You know, he's always getting Space Knight's mail.

[30:36] Anyway, and don't even get them started on British Knights, the shoe, which they also get the mail for.

[30:41] So Ram explains in voiceover his favorite method of communication that he secretly reprogrammed the machine while he was pretending to fall asleep at his keyboard, which he thought would bore the guards into making them fall asleep.

[30:54] It is the goofiest thing where he's, he's like, I had to be so boring.

[30:58] The guards would fall asleep, which is not how, it's not how sleeping works.

[31:03] I may have told this story before, but I gave, I did a fucking interview once at a job and

[31:10] I was interviewing this guy and while I was interviewing him, he kept like touching the

[31:16] table where I had a stack of papers that had other resumes and he like slowly teased out

[31:21] another person's resume over the

[31:23] course of the interview and

[31:24] slowly twisted it so he

[31:27] could read it. It was the craziest thing.

[31:29] And I'm like, I can't believe this is

[31:31] still happening.

[31:32] That guy, I gave him the job.

[31:37] I mean, it was incredible.

[31:38] And you got the job.

[31:39] And also,

[31:43] the scene

[31:45] of him typing while he's

[31:47] pretending to sleep is also hilarious.

[31:49] And he reaches, he's falling asleep, his head

[31:51] He reaches out with his hand and starts just kind of lightly tapping on the keyboard, and it's amazing.

[31:56] It's when you can't stop posting, you know?

[31:59] Yeah, you just can't.

[32:00] And Ahmed, he forces Ram to test the machine on a guard, and it works.

[32:04] Ahmed's like, you didn't fool us.

[32:05] We knew you weren't really sleeping.

[32:07] So once again, Ram's Sutter feud just totally failed.

[32:09] The machine works.

[32:11] He was able to transport this guard using time.

[32:13] And he's like, now I can go back and save my parents.

[32:15] And Ahmed's like, no, I lied.

[32:16] You're not going to do that.

[32:17] Brant, you're going to go back and kill Jesus with this.

[32:19] and brandt's like that's on god everything's on god now so i guess god's killing god uh and via

[32:25] and that's when in vo ram butts in and says hey you shouldn't hate muslims because even though

[32:31] ahmed's muslim he's an extremist most muslims would not want to go back in time and kill jesus

[32:35] and that is the one of only two band-aids that we get the more you know shoots across the screen

[32:40] yeah over this movie where all the villains are muslims except for brandt the only villain to get

[32:46] forgiveness and become a hero at the end.

[32:48] Spoiler alert.

[32:48] Well, and then there's the other Muslim who's like, but Jesus was a great prophet.

[32:52] And then, like, the evil guy's like, oh, this will make him even greater, you know, because

[32:57] he wouldn't want to be mistaken for the son of God.

[33:00] He's like, we'll kill him after he preaches.

[33:03] So he's still a prophet.

[33:04] Okay, get this, listen.

[33:06] But before he gets crucified, so his followers can't inspire a church in his name.

[33:11] So, okay, that's the loophole I've set up where Jesus continues to be a prophet, but

[33:15] he's no one he thinks he's the son of god as if like that that goes into the other central issue

[33:22] of the movie where it's just like okay i'm not gonna make i i will take no position on jesus's

[33:29] divinity yay or nay but um do it dan do it it's okay this is america you're allowed to say that

[33:34] i'm gonna say but the resurrection i'll just say it right now i'm i am a big no on that one you

[33:39] know i'll just go on the record i'm just saying like the fact that he is martyred is obviously

[33:44] the central sort of point to the story.

[33:48] And for him to be killed in a different way,

[33:52] I don't think it's necessarily going to change.

[33:55] Like, I would imagine that should he be considered a prophet,

[33:58] the murder would also create a martyrdom.

[34:01] Probably.

[34:02] Now, you're saying that a man whose superpower is returning from the dead,

[34:05] killing him might not be the best way to stop his drug.

[34:09] Perhaps.

[34:09] Much as if you were up against Aquaman,

[34:12] you would not try to drown him.

[34:14] That would be an inefficient way to try to stop Aquaman.

[34:16] But, man, if you did drown Aquaman, what a stunt.

[34:20] Yeah, well, you'd have to –

[34:21] That would be crazy.

[34:22] That's the kind of thing I imagine where, like, some – it's going to happen to some – there's going to be some, like, some guy who –

[34:27] That's the only way you can gold – the only way you can complete all the challenges in the game is by drowning Aquaman.

[34:34] Well, there's going to be some writer who has a villain, like, drown him in acid so it eats his lungs away or something like that.

[34:39] No, no, no.

[34:40] You've got to drown him in water.

[34:41] In real water.

[34:42] So how are you going to do it?

[34:43] How are you going to trick him into not breathing water, a thing he can do?

[34:46] I'll figure it out.

[34:46] Okay.

[34:47] You're like, by the way, Aquaman, this isn't water.

[34:49] It's broth.

[34:50] So it's soup broth.

[34:52] So don't try to breathe it.

[34:53] I'm going to be killed with the sodium over time.

[34:55] Yeah, exactly.

[34:56] You don't want to get all that sodium in your blood pressure.

[34:58] You know how bad that is.

[34:59] Yeah, oh, my Atlantean doctor is always on me about my blood pressure.

[35:02] And then he just doesn't breathe and he dies.

[35:04] That's how you get him.

[35:05] Okay, so – but you're right.

[35:06] It is a – so the movie is making the big ask of – asking its audience,

[35:12] which assumably believes in the divinity of Christ,

[35:15] asking them to believe that Jesus is in danger of being assassinated.

[35:19] So we cut to, again, the thing that happened to him.

[35:22] That's the thing he's there for.

[35:24] The reason he was created is to do this thing.

[35:29] So, okay, if you believe in the story.

[35:31] 33 AD, it's the Garden of Gethsemane.

[35:35] Brant's team manages to get the drop on Jesus while he's praying.

[35:38] And my favorite part of this is they go, they're looking through night vision,

[35:41] they go verify target and through night goggles night vision goggles they see judas kiss jesus

[35:45] and they're like target verified which is hilarious it's great the way that the way that

[35:50] they're gonna do it the same way that the romans do it in the story but also that like nobody kisses

[35:55] except judas kissing jesus that's the only kiss in existence in 33 18 uh they shoot jesus followers

[36:01] and jesus speaks to brant in english which brant doesn't seem to realize until after he's already

[36:06] shot Jesus to death.

[36:07] Yeah, he's not too quick on the uptake.

[36:09] Yeah, no.

[36:10] There's a number of characters who are like,

[36:13] wait, are you speaking English to me?

[36:14] Which is, I think, the first thing you would notice.

[36:17] Yeah, and when Brant has him dead to rights,

[36:20] he's like, I'm going to kill you to prove you're not a god.

[36:22] He's like, unless I allow it.

[36:23] And he's like, no, no, no, you can't do that.

[36:25] He's like, don't get in my head like that.

[36:27] It's the opposite of Planet of the Apes,

[36:31] where Charlton Heston's like, I was on Earth the whole time.

[36:34] And it was like, well, everyone's speaking English, dude.

[36:36] Like, did you just think the apes happened to evolve the same language you did?

[36:40] Come on, guy.

[36:40] Alex, make sure to throw in a little spoiler alert sound effect before Elliot drops that fucking truth bomb on everyone.

[36:46] For Planet of the Apes, a movie that celebrates its 53rd anniversary this year, I think.

[36:50] The movie whose DVD box cover gives away the ending of the movie.

[36:55] But I'm the asshole, sure.

[36:58] I'm the P-O-T-A asshole, sure.

[37:00] But getting back.

[37:01] If you land on Planet of the Assholes, look for me.

[37:04] I'm the mayor of the place.

[37:05] That's right, mayor of a planet.

[37:06] Doesn't make sense.

[37:07] But neither does mayor of Easttown.

[37:08] Oh, so they return to 2029 with Jesus' body.

[37:11] Well, no, I just want to say, Brant, like, when Brant shoots Jesus in the head,

[37:15] it really, I mean, I can't remember exactly what he says,

[37:18] but it is, like, one stop short of, like, this is for my wife and daughter.

[37:23] I think he may say that.

[37:25] Yeah, like, personally, like, he's like, now you know how it feels.

[37:31] God, I shot Jesus.

[37:33] Like, that's basic.

[37:34] Like, it is that over.

[37:36] Mike, you took my family.

[37:38] I'm taking your family.

[37:39] I'm doing the same thing the saint of killers did in Preacher.

[37:42] Exactly.

[37:43] Yeah, well, and I think it's hilarious that he has such a literal-minded revenge scheme against God.

[37:50] Like, you took my kids, I take yours.

[37:51] It would be better if he yelled at the skies,

[37:53] Who's got kids now, God?

[37:55] Not you.

[37:56] And I for two eyes, because I had two kids.

[37:59] God, can you have another kid so I can kill it to even the scales?

[38:02] Because right now you're still up on me by one kid.

[38:04] You know, considering the martyrdom element of it, I just thought, like, do you think it would be more effective if Brandt just went back and threw, like, a cream pie at Jesus to make him look ridiculous?

[38:17] It would make him look sillier.

[38:19] That's true.

[38:20] Certainly, yeah, yeah.

[38:20] But we do live in a timeline where the single most ridiculous man in the world became president for four years.

[38:29] and continues to be a figure of nostalgia for many.

[38:33] It is partially deified by people.

[38:36] Yeah, he is the God or Emperor of Warhammer

[38:38] at this point, right?

[38:39] Yeah, I mean, when Ben Garrison has the pen.

[38:43] Now, this is a tangent.

[38:46] I was watching Fury Road last night.

[38:48] My wife had never seen it.

[38:49] We finally watched it together.

[38:50] And I was loving it the whole time.

[38:51] And then at the end, I forgot Steve Mnuchin

[38:53] is one of the executive producers on it.

[38:55] And I was like, and my wife Danielle was like,

[38:58] Very ironic, though, since the movie is essentially about a Trump figure before Trump who, you know, gets his face ripped off, much like Trump did in that final car chase when Charlize Theron ripped Trump's face off after the election was over.

[39:10] You remember that?

[39:11] Anyway, so anyway, back to 2029, Ram tells his coworkers that changing the past doesn't instantly change the future.

[39:20] The future has to be rewritten like a hard drive, which takes time.

[39:24] Like a sign of thunder.

[39:26] Yeah, we don't know where he's getting this idea, except maybe from the movie Sound of Thunder.

[39:29] I would think that the timeline would change instantly, that time does not work like a computer.

[39:33] But maybe we all live in a simulation.

[39:35] Elon Musk says so, and he shot a truck into space.

[39:37] So who knows?

[39:38] So you've got to believe him.

[39:41] So you've got to believe him.

[39:42] Who are you going to trust, me or a guy who shot a truck into space?

[39:45] Every now and then I'm like, I don't know about that.

[39:47] And my son goes, did you shoot a truck into space?

[39:49] I go, no.

[39:49] Do you have a three-person submarine that you offered but it wasn't really that helpful to save some kids?

[39:54] No, I don't.

[39:56] so they're like

[39:57] we still have time

[39:58] to go back

[39:58] and save Jesus

[39:59] before the timeline

[40:00] gets overwritten

[40:01] they go back to the night

[40:02] of 33 AD

[40:03] to stop Brant

[40:04] but they're too late

[40:05] they see the attack

[40:06] and Ram is like

[40:07] what's the best thing to do

[40:08] we'll split into two teams

[40:09] they have no plan

[40:10] beyond that

[40:11] he just says

[40:11] we'll split into two teams

[40:12] and then I guess

[40:13] they're gonna figure it out

[40:14] he gives them

[40:15] the default code

[40:16] for their time retriever bracelets

[40:17] I forgot to mention

[40:18] the way you time travel

[40:19] is you go in the transporter

[40:20] but you wear a bracelet

[40:21] that's keyed into your time

[40:23] so you can return back

[40:24] to when you came from

[40:25] and these time

[40:26] retriever bracelets

[40:27] it's like a little

[40:28] step counter bracelet

[40:29] yeah exactly

[40:30] it's a little Apple Watch

[40:32] you know

[40:32] except actually much bigger

[40:34] than any of those things

[40:35] it's unwieldy to wear

[40:36] yeah

[40:36] he sets their time

[40:38] oh I'm sorry

[40:38] can you make a smaller

[40:40] time travel device

[40:41] you're right

[40:41] I'm wrong

[40:42] I've never done it

[40:43] I can't do that

[40:44] I've never sent a truck

[40:45] into space

[40:46] I've never pretended

[40:46] to be asleep

[40:47] and then tapped out

[40:48] time travel code

[40:50] on a keyboard

[40:51] I've never done those things

[40:52] so I didn't ace that test

[40:55] that Ram aced, that he was the only one who's ever

[40:57] aced in the history of testing. Ram

[40:59] has them split into two teams, him and Amy,

[41:00] and Felix and Simon. And he says, I'm going to

[41:03] set your time travel bracelets so that it'll go

[41:05] to 10 minutes before my parents died, because

[41:07] I don't want to have more time than that to try

[41:09] to save them. 10 minutes should be all it needs.

[41:11] Should we set it, like, to go back two days

[41:13] beforehand so you can call the

[41:15] NSA and

[41:16] alert them to Ahmed? No,

[41:19] no, no. I just need 10 minutes. That's all I need.

[41:21] It's a stupid amount of time to set as your

[41:23] default. It's so dumb.

[41:25] So Amy and Ram teleport back to –

[41:27] Ten minutes just flies.

[41:28] Like you think with ten minutes, you're like, I got plenty of time.

[41:31] And then you're like, oh, wait, maybe I should go pee.

[41:33] Oh, I need to pour myself a hot cup of coffee.

[41:36] Oh, no, I spilled the coffee on my pants.

[41:37] I now have to change my pants.

[41:39] I'm always like, I'll drive there and I'll set it so I get there ten minutes early.

[41:42] It's fine.

[41:43] Oh, parking.

[41:44] Oh, why didn't I allow for more time for parking?

[41:46] So here's – so guys, this is what I'm going to call a FHPT, a Flophouse Pro Tip.

[41:52] if you ever need to go back in time to save someone,

[41:54] give yourself more than 10 minutes.

[41:56] It's just not going to be enough time.

[41:57] Okay, so they show up back in 2029,

[42:00] but they actually did get more time

[42:02] because they realized they arrived an hour earlier

[42:04] because of daylight savings time.

[42:05] This is a plot device that doesn't matter.

[42:07] It doesn't make any sense.

[42:08] There's no reason for it.

[42:10] They're trying to get the old transporter

[42:13] from Lab 19 to work,

[42:14] and they recode their bracelets.

[42:15] Meanwhile, Amy is like,

[42:17] we're an hour up beforehand.

[42:18] I know what I can do.

[42:19] And knowing that at that point in the past,

[42:22] which is also their future,

[42:22] she was looking at the security videos

[42:25] trying to find Ram.

[42:25] She looks at the security camera

[42:27] and sends a sign language message to herself

[42:30] explaining the whole scenario.

[42:32] And herself in the past

[42:35] does not seem creeped out at all

[42:37] to see herself on a security camera video

[42:38] talking to her.

[42:39] She takes it totally in stride.

[42:41] And then security guys burst into the room

[42:43] and like blast them down with guns.

[42:44] Yeah, they kill them.

[42:45] Yeah, and they kill both Ram and Amy.

[42:46] She sees that

[42:47] and then she sees herself get gunned down.

[42:49] Is this the first of at least three times

[42:51] when Amy gets shot to death.

[42:53] Yeah, and this is also the point in the movie

[42:55] where I'm like, wow, this movie cares a lot more

[42:58] about time travel mechanics than I was expecting

[43:01] out of this time travel shoot Jesus Christian thriller.

[43:04] For a movie that's essentially about how Jesus is the Lord,

[43:08] they do a pretty good job of not keeping

[43:11] the time travel mechanics straight,

[43:12] but setting up a situation where there are multiple versions

[43:14] of people running around and stuff like that,

[43:16] which is harder to do than it seems.

[43:17] I also mentioned by accident that Ram and Amy's couple name

[43:20] is ramey and do you think they're more like sam ramey or ted ramey that's a good question dan uh

[43:27] what about rami malik that's actually a good point it doesn't sound like their names smashed

[43:32] together but i mean what about him the guy can act when there's big teeth in his mouth so you know

[43:36] you know i can't do that i've never shot a truck into space i've never acted with huge teeth in

[43:41] my face i've never been able to do it you're halfway to a song never shot a truck into space

[43:48] never acted with huge teeth in my face.

[43:50] Just keep going.

[43:51] I'm almost there.

[43:52] And the song is called I Never.

[43:54] And it's just a list song, you know.

[43:56] Oh, okay.

[43:57] Wow.

[43:57] Yeah.

[43:58] Those are hot right now.

[43:59] I like it.

[43:59] But I've always been in love with you.

[44:01] You can play a drinking game.

[44:01] That's the chorus.

[44:02] I've never done this.

[44:03] I've never done this.

[44:04] But I've always been in love with you.

[44:05] That's the way it goes.

[44:06] Yeah, that's the way it goes.

[44:07] Killed it, yeah.

[44:07] Yeah.

[44:08] Anyway, so back to 30.

[44:09] Oh, Amy is like.

[44:10] Anyway, so if any listener wants to write that song.

[44:12] It's great because you can like swap out one of the lines to be like,

[44:16] i never played a song in dallas texas the greatest city in the world and they're like you're in

[44:22] austin and i'm like um well it's like dallas more for to keep up with the that's the problem is when

[44:27] you're when you're on the road like those cities just start to all blend together and you're going

[44:32] through a bottle of whiskey every night and yeah it's just a mess i just have the one song so the

[44:39] concert is like it's a hit it's a huge hit and the concert is only five minutes long because i just

[44:44] have the one song and the song's runtime is four minutes 19 seconds not even 420 i couldn't even

[44:48] stretch the song enough for the joke uh and so i just go out on stage and i play that one song

[44:53] 50 times and then i have to and then i get off the stage so i do that night after night and so

[44:59] slowly driving not even slowly driving me mad by by night three i'm i'm insane you know so anyway

[45:04] yeah uh so past amy now knows enough to save past ram she does they all jump into the transporter

[45:10] we're back to 33 AD

[45:12] remember Felix and Simon

[45:13] how they got left there

[45:14] they're trying to return

[45:15] to the future

[45:15] but Felix's bracelet

[45:17] his bracelet works

[45:18] and he immediately

[45:19] gets captured

[45:19] Simon's bracelet doesn't

[45:21] and he's stuck in 33 AD

[45:22] meanwhile

[45:23] Felix and the bad guys

[45:24] they experience

[45:25] what it's like

[45:26] to have the timeline

[45:27] rewritten over them

[45:28] and they end up

[45:29] in a dystopian

[45:30] CGI world

[45:31] in ruins

[45:31] and zombies attack Felix

[45:33] this will not come

[45:34] into play again

[45:35] until literally

[45:35] the last 25 seconds

[45:36] of the movie

[45:37] so don't worry about it

[45:38] but Felix is dead

[45:39] that hadn't been eaten by zombies in a dystopian future.

[45:42] Back to 33 AD.

[45:43] What happened to his penguin?

[45:45] We never know.

[45:46] We never know what happened to his stuffed animal penguin.

[45:48] That adorable, hilarious character trait

[45:51] is discarded much like he is as a character.

[45:54] 33 AD again.

[45:55] The second of our team of heroes now arrives.

[45:59] They attack Brant's team.

[46:00] They got there right before him.

[46:01] And just using sticks that they stick into the transporter area,

[46:05] so I guess that they materialize around a stick in their body,

[46:08] which must be incredibly painful.

[46:09] They manage to kill everyone but Brant and Sabir.

[46:12] They are just going all out, killing these guys.

[46:15] Amy gets shot, but demands Ram leave her to go save Jesus.

[46:19] He takes off all of his clothes except his boxers to make a turn again.

[46:24] Yeah, he's got to stanch the blood, but he does it by taking off his pants.

[46:29] And I guess like his undershirt, but I think he has some shirt on until later on when he gets torn off.

[46:35] I can't remember.

[46:35] So he puts a lab coat that he found on.

[46:38] So he's wearing a lab coat and boxers.

[46:39] And he's got those big white boxers, yeah.

[46:41] And now this is all set up for a Bible Easter egg that will pay off hugely.

[46:45] But it's like, it was funny to me.

[46:49] He takes off his shirt for the tourniquet, and I was like, something for the ladies.

[46:51] And then he started taking his pants off, and I was like, too much for the ladies.

[46:54] Why are you taking your pants off, too?

[46:55] He puts on the lab coat that he picks off.

[46:58] He gets chased, and Peter, and while they're attacking, while Brant is still attacking Jesus, I guess,

[47:05] unless I'm getting this part wrong, because it was a little confusing to me,

[47:08] It looks like Peter the Apostle cuts off part of Brant's ear with a sword, and Brant drops his gun and runs away.

[47:14] Is that what happened?

[47:15] I think so, yes.

[47:18] I mean, do not look at me.

[47:19] Okay.

[47:19] So the next morning.

[47:21] But you're so handsome.

[47:24] Not in my eyes.

[47:24] I know.

[47:25] That's my curse.

[47:26] My curse is I'm super.

[47:28] He's a reverse Medusa.

[47:29] Which is that he gets turned to stone if anyone looks at him.

[47:32] Yeah, because he's too handsome for that.

[47:34] What a great way to be a bank robber.

[47:36] They make statues of him.

[47:38] because he's too handsome so it's like a metaphorical turning oh i say turning to stone

[47:43] yeah that way he's carved into his likeness isn't it if you were a bank robber and you open the door

[47:47] you go nobody look at me if you look at me i'll turn to stone it's an affliction i have nobody

[47:51] look at me and you're just taking all the money put in sack nobody look at me i am merely filling

[47:56] out a deposit slip now i'm leaving goodbye and they're like all the money's gone who did it we

[48:00] don't know we didn't see him and even the security camera was like i want to be polite and swiveled

[48:04] away so that it wouldn't see you.

[48:05] So anyway, the next morning, Simon's been stuck there

[48:07] overnight, and he is annoyed.

[48:09] He does not like being stuck in biblical times

[48:12] overnight. Guys, we can all relate to that.

[48:14] I know, I know, I hate,

[48:15] I know, when I was a kid and I had to wait longer for my

[48:18] mom to pick me up from school, I hated

[48:20] it, so imagine... Wait, that happened to you? It happened to me, too!

[48:22] What? Yeah.

[48:23] It happened to me, too. My mom was late picking

[48:26] me up all the time. So imagine that scenario,

[48:27] except it's not just your mom being late,

[48:30] it's a time travel machine, and you're not

[48:32] just at school, you're in 33 A.D.

[48:34] Yeah, well, I don't really like camping, so just, like, the sleeping outdoors, you know, I wouldn't care for this at all.

[48:40] Oh, yeah, and there's no bathrooms.

[48:41] There's nowhere to get any food to eat, you know.

[48:44] Yeah, I was going to say, like, when you're camping, you usually have supplies and stuff, and he doesn't have any of those things.

[48:49] Yeah, he is naked and afraid, except he is fully clothed, and he's not afraid.

[48:52] He's annoyed.

[48:53] Anyway, so his time retriever finally gets it to work, but it sends him back to the night before.

[48:58] He bumps into Jesus and talks to him for a while, and Jesus is anguished.

[49:02] Yeah, I hit it off.

[49:02] Just like the Bible said, Jesus is very anguished knowing that he's probably going to die the next day.

[49:06] Well, this is the Garden of Gethsemane story, right?

[49:09] You know it.

[49:09] Yeah, this is when he asks God to take this chalice away from him, right?

[49:14] Take this cup away from me so I don't have to drink from it.

[49:16] And then he finally says, all right, I'll do it.

[49:18] Yeah.

[49:19] I'm trying to look up the details of the story because—

[49:22] I mostly know it from Jesus Christ Superstar.

[49:24] Yeah, I can't do it quickly enough.

[49:28] Why should I die?

[49:29] Would I be more noticed than I ever was before?

[49:33] Would the things I've said and done mattered anymore?

[49:38] Anyway, it's a great song.

[49:39] So he tries to warn Jesus about the crucifixion, and Jesus is like, you know what?

[49:43] Knowing that you remember me, that makes me want to go through with it.

[49:47] I get God's plan now.

[49:49] You've inspired me.

[49:50] I will be crucified.

[49:50] And he says, I will remember you.

[49:53] You will remember me.

[49:54] Don't let your life pass you by.

[49:57] then uh is this the is this the moment where he says i'll be back i think it is simon's like i

[50:05] saw your movie a lot of bad stuff happens to you and jesus goes it's okay i'll be back and simon

[50:09] goes that's not even your movie and it is such a weird joke to put in jesus's mouth yeah especially

[50:14] when like i guess there's a lot of there's some christ imagery with with uh arnold schwarzenegger

[50:19] in that movie but it is the exact opposite of what jesus would do is what the terminator does

[50:23] you know yeah i got it i like there are a couple little movies and moments in this movie where i'm

[50:28] like okay that's fun like that's that's fun on its own merits and i did enjoy jesus being like

[50:34] well then you know i'll be back um uh ram sees us and it's but still night now it's nighttime again

[50:40] it's still we're still in that night ram sees centurion pick up the loose gun and ram is like

[50:44] ah that'll change the future if there's a gun here and he runs by and takes it but his coat

[50:48] gets torn off and his boxers get pulled down and we see the top of his butt for a moment

[50:53] And that's something that seems weird, but it's in the Bible, as we'll see.

[50:57] Yeah, so it's okay.

[50:59] It's okay.

[50:59] It's in the Bible.

[51:00] It's exempted.

[51:01] I mean, there's a lot of filthy stuff in the Bible they could have put in here.

[51:03] Don't I know it.

[51:04] It's all okay.

[51:05] We never get to see Bathsheba bathing on a roof, and boy, would I ever.

[51:09] Anyway, so he runs into Peter the Apostle, and he's like, hey, you were with Jesus, weren't you?

[51:17] And Peter gives Brant his robe to wear.

[51:20] So instead of wearing just his boxers,

[51:21] Brant is now wearing a kind of Bible-y robe.

[51:23] This is Ram, right?

[51:24] Oh, sorry, Ram.

[51:25] Ram or Brant.

[51:26] Ram, I'm sorry.

[51:26] He gives Ram his, sorry.

[51:27] You should, don't name your characters Ram and Brant.

[51:29] The only thing worse is if your characters

[51:31] are named Ted and Tim

[51:32] and the daughters are named Tina and Tabitha.

[51:33] Too many Ts.

[51:34] And this is coming from a guy who has two Ts in his name.

[51:37] So in 2029, meanwhile, Ahmed's scientists are like,

[51:42] I'll just shut off their retriever bracelets from here

[51:45] so now they can't come back.

[51:46] So Amy is stranded and dying in Bible times.

[51:50] Brant and Sabir disguise themselves as villagers and go into a market that you have to imagine is a Ren fest most of the time.

[51:56] Everyone's wearing robes, so it's the Bible now.

[51:59] And for no reason—

[52:01] Doesn't Sabir steal a tomato?

[52:03] He steals a fruit, and Brant's like, don't do that.

[52:05] He says it's a tomato.

[52:06] And he goes, it's just a tomato.

[52:07] And it's like, they didn't have tomatoes.

[52:09] Tomatoes are a New World fruit.

[52:10] They didn't have that then.

[52:13] And what's weird about it is all he had to say was, it's just a date.

[52:17] That's something they had then.

[52:19] It's in the Bible, but instead they say tomatoes.

[52:21] They get arrested.

[52:23] They get knocked out by some centurions.

[52:25] I mean, Brant shoots one, I think.

[52:26] A centurion takes their gun, and one of their time retrievers,

[52:29] the other time retriever is dropped and picked up by a woman in kind of blue robes, right?

[52:33] Who could this be?

[52:34] Well, if you know your Renaissance painting, you know that's Mary.

[52:37] So hours later, which Mary?

[52:42] I'm not sure.

[52:42] I don't know if it's Mary Magdalene or if it's Jesus' mom.

[52:45] It is not cleared up.

[52:46] I don't know my Renaissance paintings that well.

[52:48] So hours later, Crisis –

[52:51] The painting of her holding a time retriever bracelet.

[52:54] Yeah, there's that famous painting in the Uffizi Gallery of Mary holding a time retriever bracelet being like, what's this?

[53:00] I'll pick it up, sure.

[53:02] What I like is –

[53:04] And then her appearing in the middle of a basketball court.

[53:09] Yeah, and saying, throw me the rock, throw me the rock.

[53:11] And then she's just dunking, dunking, dunking.

[53:14] And then Mary got busy.

[53:15] They call it the immaculate reception.

[53:17] Yeah, but anyway, because she catches it.

[53:19] That's a football thing, but you know what I mean.

[53:21] Yeah, it's close enough.

[53:22] Yeah, they called the immaculate dunk-ception.

[53:25] Okay, and now she's signing endorsement deals.

[53:27] She's playing with LeBron on the same team,

[53:30] and they're like, it's a miracle team, LeBron and the Virgin Mary.

[53:34] How far are they going to go?

[53:35] The weird thing, they don't win the championship.

[53:38] They don't get that ring.

[53:39] Oh.

[53:39] Strange, huh?

[53:40] No.

[53:40] Yeah.

[53:40] It's probably, you know, like teamwork and synergy and stuff.

[53:45] No, you know why?

[53:45] You have too many big figures.

[53:48] Not right.

[53:48] That's not what happened.

[53:49] No, I mean, there is tension between the two of them

[53:51] because there can only be one star on each team.

[53:53] He's the king, and she's the mother of the king of kings.

[53:55] So it's a lot of competition.

[53:57] But what happens is during the final game,

[53:59] they get picked up by the Looney Tunes.

[54:02] They got to go play against Algae Rhythm.

[54:04] So LeBron and the Virgin Mary are now playing against Algae Rhythm.

[54:08] And the Virgin Mary is like,

[54:09] look at all these Warner Brothers IP characters

[54:11] that are watching us play, all my favorite characters.

[54:14] Pennywise is here.

[54:15] Baby Jane, this is amazing.

[54:17] And LeBron's like, get your head in the game.

[54:19] My son's life is on the line.

[54:21] And the Virgin Mary's like, can I just go get Mr. Freeze's autograph?

[54:23] And LeBron's like, after the game.

[54:26] After the game, Mary.

[54:27] So it's difficult.

[54:30] It's hard.

[54:31] When you're running a basketball team, it's hard to have two superstars

[54:33] on the level of LeBron James and the Virgin Mary.

[54:35] It's really wild that Mr. Freeze doesn't go by Dr. Freeze, right?

[54:38] Because he's a doctor.

[54:39] I don't know if he has his doctorate.

[54:41] He might be Professor Freeze.

[54:43] He feels like titles are elitist.

[54:45] Yeah.

[54:46] That's also possible.

[54:47] Well, the weird thing is when you call him Mr. Freeze,

[54:49] he goes, Mr. Freeze lives in Florida.

[54:51] I'm Jeff Freeze.

[54:52] Yeah.

[54:52] You're like, oh, I get it, Jeff Freeze.

[54:54] Jeff Freeze, yeah, that's hilarious.

[54:56] But it's an even worse pun.

[54:57] And he's like, and that's the worst Batman pun.

[55:00] And Edward Nygma says, I beg to differ.

[55:04] Harley Quinn season three, if you need writers,

[55:06] he got us right here.

[55:07] So anyway, hours later, Jesus is going

[55:12] through the stations of the cross, and Simon has a front row seat. He's like, why are you doing this

[55:17] to yourself? And Jesus gets knocked down, but he gets up again. Nobody can knock him down. He was

[55:22] the original Chumbawamba. And Simon helps him stand and carry his cross. Ram asks some weeping

[55:29] ladies for a doctor to help Amy. And since they don't understand English, they just take him to

[55:33] see Jesus crucified. And it's almost like they're saying, we've got problems too, buddy. Like,

[55:38] Look, we don't have time to help you find a doctor.

[55:40] My son has nails through his hands.

[55:42] Brent –

[55:43] I mean, I believe this is a reference to – he was known as a doctor in the sense of like the metaphorical sense, right?

[55:50] Like that's the idea, I think, that they misunderstand him.

[55:52] Well, he was like a – I guess so because a doctor is just any learned man, right?

[55:56] Yeah.

[55:57] I guess he was a healer.

[55:59] I believe this is –

[55:59] Oh, you know what?

[56:00] It's because he's famous for healing.

[56:01] That's why they did it.

[56:02] But it's almost like they're like –

[56:03] Yeah, that's probably it.

[56:03] But he's crucified, so it's like they're like, hey, office is closed.

[56:07] He's retired now.

[56:08] No more dealing.

[56:08] Yeah.

[56:10] Sorry, you just missed him.

[56:12] Yes.

[56:13] Oh, the hours are over.

[56:15] But then who's crucified on either side of him?

[56:18] Brent and Sabir.

[56:20] They're the thieves from the Bible that were crucified on either side of Jesus.

[56:23] And Ram is begging Jesus to heal Amy.

[56:26] And Jesus says, if you want to save Amy, you've got to forgive Brant.

[56:31] And Ram is like, no fucking way, Jesus.

[56:33] Pardon my language.

[56:34] And Brant says, they deserve this.

[56:37] We stole a tomato.

[56:39] We should be crucified.

[56:40] And Jesus forgives him and says, you'll be in paradise with me.

[56:43] And this makes Ram so mad.

[56:45] He starts calling Jesus a fraud.

[56:46] Simon meets up with him, finds Ram and Amy, and they see an eclipse.

[56:50] And this is my favorite line in the movie.

[56:52] Simon says, all this historical stuff is incredibly accurate, which is such a funny thing for him to say.

[57:01] Both because what he's saying is, this movie is great.

[57:03] It's so accurate.

[57:04] And also he's like, yeah, this proves all the stuff in the Bible is true.

[57:08] We're seeing it happen in this movie.

[57:10] Yeah, yeah.

[57:10] But it's so funny.

[57:17] It's not really a historical text.

[57:20] I don't know.

[57:20] I saw Black Easter.

[57:22] Say what you will about the movie, but they put in the work.

[57:26] Now that the divinity of Christ has been proven by the film Black Easter,

[57:30] which showed that the historical stuff is accurate,

[57:33] We have no choice but to make Israel into a Christian nation.

[57:36] We did it, everybody.

[57:37] So that's – they argue about Jesus for a little bit.

[57:41] Let's get back to 2029.

[57:43] Sabir's gun and his retriever arrive because the gladi – the centurion accidentally hit a button or something.

[57:48] And Ahmed is like, I'm going to use this.

[57:50] Okay.

[57:50] He's like, okay, blue skying here, brainstorming.

[57:53] Obviously the mission went awry.

[57:55] I don't think Brandt sent us the gun and retriever as a way of saying mission accomplished.

[57:59] I love it here.

[58:00] I'm staying.

[58:00] I don't think that's the scenario.

[58:02] I'm putting myself in Brant's head.

[58:04] Brant was probably hurt.

[58:05] He's probably crucified.

[58:06] Maybe he's the thief that's on the other side of Jesus.

[58:08] Again, I'm just blue-skying here.

[58:09] It could be anything, folks.

[58:10] He says, here's my plan.

[58:11] I'm going to go back personally.

[58:12] I'm going to go to Jesus' tomb.

[58:14] I'm going to kill his followers so they can't spread the word about him coming back.

[58:19] And what I think is funny about that is that he's like, it's possible Jesus will come back.

[58:23] But if there's no one there to see it, it's not going to get recorded.

[58:26] Because if Jesus is resurrected in a forest and there's no one there to see it, did it even really happen?

[58:31] I mean, Ahmed is like, the Bible goes by the first commandment,

[58:34] picks or it didn't happen.

[58:35] So if there's no one there to report it,

[58:37] Jesus will just be like, well, I guess that's the end.

[58:40] No one will build my church on the rock.

[58:41] Sure, and at this point also,

[58:42] he's buying into the possibility of the resurrection himself.

[58:46] Like, it seems like the first thing he should have done

[58:49] with that time machine is go back,

[58:51] see if Jesus actually did get resurrected,

[58:53] and be like, okay, you know, yay or nay on that religion.

[58:57] Like, I feel either justified or not justified in trying to tear down Christianity.

[59:03] It would literally be the most important news story in the history of humanity if they were

[59:08] like, we got it.

[59:09] Proof of the resurrection.

[59:09] That's the true thing.

[59:11] We should all be doing it.

[59:12] Like, that's what we should do now.

[59:13] But it reminds me, there's a story, if someone, if a listener can help me find this story,

[59:18] there's a science fiction story that was an issue of Asimov Science Fiction 25 years ago

[59:23] when I was a teenager, where these people have developed a technology where they can

[59:26] see back in time, but the farther you go, the less accurate it gets because you might be seeing

[59:32] a parallel timeline. So they look back and they find the death of some Roman soldiers

[59:38] in a battle, and there's two of them. And when they dig up the bodies, there's three of them.

[59:41] You know, they saw a similar but alternate timeline. And the scientists use it to go back

[59:46] and look at the resurrection, and they see it. He was resurrected. That's proof. And then he goes

[59:52] back and looks again, and in this timeline that he sees a second time, Jesus is not resurrected.

[59:56] He remains dead, and the scientist can't function in a universe where salvation is possible or not possible, and you won't know for sure.

[1:00:05] Anyway, it was a story that really made an impression on me.

[1:00:07] So if anyone can find it, let me know.

[1:00:08] Again, look for it in Asimov Science Fiction sometime between the years 1993 and 2000.

[1:00:14] So anyway, I'm not going to look.

[1:00:15] So one thing I like about these time bracelets, because this is when Ahmed goes back in time to Jesus' tomb, right?

[1:00:23] And Stu, you're a jewelry guy to begin with.

[1:00:25] I see that diamond Furby around your neck.

[1:00:27] You just love male jewelry.

[1:00:29] So you love these bracelets too.

[1:00:30] Yeah, I'm all about that.

[1:00:32] And what I love is that in addition to being a great style choice, they're very good at, like, finding the right location, right?

[1:00:41] Yes.

[1:00:41] They don't take you to the exact same location.

[1:00:43] They take you to the place the plot is happening.

[1:00:45] There's, like, a plot locator chip that takes you where you need to go.

[1:00:48] Yeah.

[1:00:49] Like, he manages to pinpoint inside Jesus' tomb.

[1:00:52] That's wild.

[1:00:53] It's pretty amazing.

[1:00:55] Um, uh, while he's, so he, uh, he goes to the tomb, he decides to take a DNA sample

[1:01:00] from Jesus's body, which is a motivation we have never heard from him before.

[1:01:04] And he's just leave, he's dropping glow sticks everywhere to illuminate this cave.

[1:01:08] Uh, the, the old saying, take only pictures and leave only footprints.

[1:01:12] He's never heard it cause he's taken DNA samples and leaving glow sticks everywhere.

[1:01:15] Um, and meanwhile, it's the morning, I think finding, finding the right lighting solution

[1:01:22] for a space is pretty important.

[1:01:23] Yeah, I guess that's true.

[1:01:25] You got to have just enough light.

[1:01:26] Which is neon green.

[1:01:27] You need that neon green to imprint his face onto the shroud that has been wrapped around him so that it can go to Turin.

[1:01:33] So here's also the thing is Ram is that morning is perplexed by the mystery of forgiveness.

[1:01:39] And Amy is like, take me to see the resurrection.

[1:01:41] This means Amy has been lingering for like three days, right?

[1:01:44] Yeah.

[1:01:45] Because wasn't it three days later that he came back?

[1:01:47] That's the whole deal.

[1:01:47] So they've just been hanging out for three days, not trying to get back to their own time, I assume.

[1:01:53] Has Ahmed been hanging out in that tomb for three days?

[1:01:55] We don't see any empty, like, Pepperidge Farm cookie wrappers,

[1:01:57] so he wasn't snacking while he was there.

[1:01:59] There's no, like, goldfish little 100-calorie fun packs, you know.

[1:02:04] So it's Resurrection Morning.

[1:02:06] The label, the identifier on the screen says Resurrection Morning.

[1:02:09] You guys are going back in time to make sure Jesus doesn't resurrect.

[1:02:13] What snacks are you bringing?

[1:02:15] Are you bringing trail mix?

[1:02:16] Are you bringing jerky?

[1:02:17] What are we talking?

[1:02:17] Yeah, I mean.

[1:02:19] You've got to have something with a lot of energy, you know.

[1:02:21] A lot of energy, but it's not going to make you want to poop because if you have to go poop and you miss the resurrection, you're going to be so mad.

[1:02:27] Yeah.

[1:02:28] So you're thinking cheese?

[1:02:29] Yeah.

[1:02:30] Something to bind you up.

[1:02:31] Yeah, probably a block of cheddar cheese like you would get in the store.

[1:02:34] And you're not even cutting pieces off.

[1:02:36] You're just taking bites out of it.

[1:02:37] Wow.

[1:02:38] Yeah.

[1:02:38] Okay.

[1:02:39] And you want to eat it fast because it's going to –

[1:02:40] That's evidence that you are not planning on sharing it.

[1:02:42] Yeah, very much so.

[1:02:44] And you want to eat it fast because it's going to really dry out in that Mediterranean, Middle Eastern heat.

[1:02:51] Although cheese is better, you know, the flavors come out at room temperature.

[1:02:56] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:02:57] But if it's out too long, it gets there.

[1:02:58] Then you wash it down with a nice hot cup of tomato juice that is prevalent in that time period in the region.

[1:03:02] Well, that's it. You're going to want to bring a can of tomato juice and also like a burner stove with a propane tank so you can really heat it up.

[1:03:07] And if possible, you might want to just take that cheddar cheese chunk and just put it in the tomato soup while it's heating so it melts together.

[1:03:17] so you get kind of like a melted cheddar

[1:03:20] tomato stew. Like a queso? Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[1:03:22] And then you can just drink it on down.

[1:03:24] Don't make it too hot because then you'll go, ow,

[1:03:25] when it burns your tongue and that'll wake up Jesus too early

[1:03:28] and you're not going to be ready.

[1:03:29] Because Jesus has got to catch those Z's.

[1:03:32] You know when he was in that tomb, he hit the

[1:03:34] snooze button a couple times. He was like,

[1:03:36] resurrection, give me three more days.

[1:03:38] Just his little,

[1:03:39] this is his routine.

[1:03:41] Resurrection chunk

[1:03:44] of his. Yeah, when I do

[1:03:46] When I do my stand-up act at churches, I do it like, you know, Jesus was like, oh, give me just one more day, Dad.

[1:03:52] I don't want to go to school, Dad.

[1:03:54] Anyway.

[1:03:55] It feels like I slept on rock.

[1:03:57] My back.

[1:03:58] Oh, boy.

[1:03:59] How long was I dead for?

[1:04:01] Someone resurrect my spine.

[1:04:03] Okay.

[1:04:05] I guess we're doing this, huh?

[1:04:09] Turns out my sleep number is hard.

[1:04:16] The only thing I can't cure is my sciatica.

[1:04:19] I need these backaches like I need two holes in my hands.

[1:04:22] So that's our...

[1:04:30] So anyway, that's dad humor.

[1:04:32] That's our blasphemous chunk.

[1:04:32] That's divine dad humor.

[1:04:33] Not for me.

[1:04:34] I can say that stuff.

[1:04:35] So resurrection morning, the earth shakes,

[1:04:38] and Ahmed teleports out of the tomb entrance

[1:04:40] as the tomb entrance explodes outward,

[1:04:42] killing two centurions.

[1:04:44] And I wasn't quite sure if the—I mean, according to the movie, Jesus is resurrected.

[1:04:48] Does the resurrection cause the cave to explode, or is that the teleportation?

[1:04:53] Because Ram is like, that looks like a teleportation.

[1:04:54] Yeah, I haven't been to church before, Dan.

[1:04:56] Did it explode because of Jesus?

[1:04:59] Dan, do you want to call your parents who I know have studied divinity?

[1:05:05] Jesus exploded back to life.

[1:05:09] Now, is Jesus like the Marvel villain Nitro who can explode his body and then reform it?

[1:05:14] Is that what happened?

[1:05:14] Or is it like cannonball, always blasting?

[1:05:17] Because it seems very petty for Jesus,

[1:05:18] whose whole thing is forgiveness,

[1:05:19] to kill the soldiers that are guarding him

[1:05:22] by blasting them with rock chunks.

[1:05:23] I think it is left deliberately sort of unclear at this point

[1:05:29] because Ram explains it away by being like,

[1:05:33] hey, that looks like what happens when the time jump happens.

[1:05:38] Can you guys describe what the time stuff looks like?

[1:05:41] They could just jump away.

[1:05:43] It's like a big, swirly CGI thing.

[1:05:45] Yeah, imagine—so the teleporting machine from The Prestige, where there's, like, lightning bolts coming out and electricity everywhere.

[1:05:51] Imagine it like that, but, like, a billion times cheaper looking, and there's a lot of swirliness.

[1:05:57] Like, a lot of swirliness and, like, lightning, and that's how you teleport.

[1:06:00] Anyway, Amy is overjoyed because Jesus is risen.

[1:06:04] Because, one, she's seen the resurrection of her God, and two, she finally proved her boyfriend wrong, and that's worth—

[1:06:13] And as MasterCard says, that's priceless.

[1:06:15] Teleportation bracelets to go back to see Jesus, probably a billion dollars.

[1:06:19] Wait, wait.

[1:06:20] And doesn't Jesus give her a message?

[1:06:22] Getting front row seats to the resurrection, two shekels.

[1:06:24] Proving your boyfriend Ramron, priceless.

[1:06:27] For some things, you can't pay, but for all else, there's MasterCard.

[1:06:31] That's what Billy Crudup says anyway.

[1:06:35] So that happens in a little bit.

[1:06:36] So Ram and Simon go in to see it, and they decide to clean up all of Ahmed's

[1:06:41] leftover glow lights that are just scattered

[1:06:42] everywhere. They say the line

[1:06:44] is something like, well, someone

[1:06:46] from the future was here. Look at all

[1:06:48] these glow sticks. Yeah.

[1:06:50] Someone from the future was holding a rave

[1:06:52] in Jesus' tomb, I guess.

[1:06:54] Which would be an amazing place to

[1:06:56] hold a rave. Oh, man.

[1:06:58] You think most raves are in

[1:07:00] East Berlin warehouses

[1:07:02] and stuff like that. Imagine if you could hold one in Jesus' tomb.

[1:07:04] It's not big, but that's great

[1:07:06] because you're all on E and Molly anyway. You want to be

[1:07:08] packed in tight so you can feel those bodies.

[1:07:10] It's not COVID safe.

[1:07:11] It feels like a throw-off line in like a Warren Ellers or Grant Morrison comic.

[1:07:16] Oh, you're right.

[1:07:16] Yeah, I held the only rave in Jesus' tomb.

[1:07:19] Yeah, that actually, for now, I don't like it anymore.

[1:07:21] You're right.

[1:07:21] You gave me a reason not to like it.

[1:07:22] So Jesus, while they're doing that, Jesus visits Amy as she dies.

[1:07:27] And to be honest, I totally can put myself in her shoes.

[1:07:31] If I was dying and my Lord came and visited me and was like,

[1:07:33] you're going to be okay, that would be the greatest moment of my life,

[1:07:36] even better than, like, I don't know,

[1:07:39] when my children were born, maybe?

[1:07:41] Is that saying too much?

[1:07:42] It would be huge.

[1:07:43] What about that time you saw the panel with Tommy Wiseau?

[1:07:46] You always said that was the biggest moment of your life.

[1:07:48] You know what?

[1:07:49] That's number one, and my Lord coming to redeem me

[1:07:53] when I'm dying is number two.

[1:07:54] You're right.

[1:07:55] When I saw Tommy Wiseau speak at Comic-Con during...

[1:07:57] Yeah, I think so, yeah.

[1:07:59] Because he was literally hurling T-shirts backhanded

[1:08:04] over his back into the crowd while saying,

[1:08:06] I'm not trying to steal the spotlight.

[1:08:08] It was the most amazing moment.

[1:08:09] And then he called for the whole room

[1:08:12] to sing the national anthem with him.

[1:08:13] It was amazing.

[1:08:14] So anyway, Mary walks in with a friend

[1:08:19] and Simon is like, we can't change history.

[1:08:22] So Ram goes, he has risen with hands full of glow sticks.

[1:08:26] And the Virgin Mary, I assume it's the Virgin Mary,

[1:08:30] maybe it's Mary Magdalene, I don't know, this Mary.

[1:08:32] She gives Ram the missing time retriever

[1:08:34] and Ram has my second favorite line in the movie

[1:08:37] after all this historical stuff is incredibly accurate.

[1:08:39] Ram says, it's time for my own resurrection,

[1:08:42] which is ridiculous.

[1:08:44] That is the most blasphemous thing you could possibly say.

[1:08:46] It went like, you know what?

[1:08:49] Then he put on David Caruso's sunglasses.

[1:08:51] It went, ow!

[1:08:52] And it went to, yeah, CSI Gethsemane.

[1:08:55] We got four bodies here.

[1:08:59] They were all beaten over the head with a hammer.

[1:09:01] And he goes, looks like someone was feeling a little cross.

[1:09:04] slips on sunglasses.

[1:09:06] Ow!

[1:09:07] Other Who song,

[1:09:10] not the one for the main CSI show.

[1:09:13] Uh-huh, right.

[1:09:15] So they both use the time...

[1:09:16] It's Magic Bus for some reason.

[1:09:18] Or Behind Blue Eyes, yeah.

[1:09:20] That's a weird choice.

[1:09:21] So Simon and Ram,

[1:09:22] they're like,

[1:09:23] there's only one retriever.

[1:09:24] We could try a double retriever,

[1:09:26] but it's never been done before.

[1:09:27] It's like, well, no shit, dude.

[1:09:28] Time travel has existed

[1:09:29] for like a couple days at this point.

[1:09:31] Like, just go for it.

[1:09:32] They have returned to 2029.

[1:09:34] And Simon is immediately shot by the guards.

[1:09:36] He has barely five seconds before he's shot.

[1:09:40] Ram tells Simon as he's dying to believe in Jesus.

[1:09:43] Then he jumps to the transporter.

[1:09:45] Simon, with his last breaths, shoots up the transporter so Ahmed can't follow them.

[1:09:50] And Ahmed kills Simon, which is not much of a silver lining.

[1:09:53] Ram reappears ten minutes before his parents are killed.

[1:09:57] Then some bad guys appear behind him, and they disappear.

[1:10:01] And then another bad guy appears and then disappears.

[1:10:04] And it's like...

[1:10:05] It's because they ran through the teleporter

[1:10:07] without wearing a bracelet.

[1:10:08] It was explained earlier in the movie.

[1:10:11] That I did not understand.

[1:10:12] But I thought the bracelet was just to bring you back.

[1:10:14] No, apparently if you go through

[1:10:16] without the right thing, you'll just explode.

[1:10:19] So it opens up like a portal,

[1:10:22] and if you try and go through the portal

[1:10:24] without the machine, I see.

[1:10:27] I think there was a voiceover.

[1:10:28] Okay, maybe that was explained earlier,

[1:10:29] because I totally did not feel that,

[1:10:31] and I was like,

[1:10:32] is time being overwritten for everyone

[1:10:33] except for ram because he's just so cool i don't like it just and ram has this look on his face

[1:10:38] like here we go again or like that took long enough like he is there he's seen his girlfriend

[1:10:43] die a couple times at this point he is there to try to he has 10 minutes to stop his parents

[1:10:47] being killed but he does take a few moments to roll his eyes and be at these stupid guards

[1:10:51] uh so ram saves his parents he's still wearing that bible robe that's how you can tell the

[1:10:56] difference between him and past ram uh he goes after ahmed in his office but he finds brant

[1:11:00] there instead and ram wants to shoot brant because he's seen brant cause all this cause this trouble

[1:11:05] but he can also brant punched him a bunch of times but he can't bring himself to do it because he

[1:11:10] can't get jesus's words out of his head oh yeah if only jesus hadn't talked to him and brant gets

[1:11:16] on his knees and he says please kill me reunite me with my family and ram is like i'm doing this

[1:11:21] but i'm doing this for me and he falls to his knees and tearfully forgives brant uh and he just

[1:11:27] He's totally a Christian now.

[1:11:29] He's all about forgiveness, as opposed to these non-Christians who are all about killing people.

[1:11:33] Yeah, as we've seen in life.

[1:11:37] Dan, name one Christian who's ever killed someone, can't do it, impossible, never been done.

[1:11:41] So Ram's parents, and then for some reason Ram's parents run into their office.

[1:11:46] I guess you always want to protect your child.

[1:11:48] Yeah, that makes sense.

[1:11:50] And Ram's dad has a gun, I think.

[1:11:51] Yeah, he's got a gun.

[1:11:52] I'm like, whoa, whoa, slow down, Ram's dad.

[1:11:56] Yeah.

[1:11:57] and uh then and i've been waiting for something like this to happen

[1:12:00] he's like i put you into this world i can take you out ramp

[1:12:04] uh so rant they all end up in there sabir ahmed amy they all end up at the room ahmed shoots ram

[1:12:12] and then he shoots ram's dad in the leg and then ram hears a woman's voice saying be a hero

[1:12:17] and ram prays for god's help but he gets brant's help instead brant shoots the bad guys except for

[1:12:23] Ahmed because Ahmed shoots Brant in the spine and he's like I can't feel my legs and Ahmed and Ram

[1:12:29] talk in circles for a while until Ram just picks that knife up off Ahmed's desk and stabs him and

[1:12:34] Ahmed goes forget why don't you forgive me and he doesn't he just kills him and it's like the movie

[1:12:39] and so again the movie it made it really went out of its way to tell us not to hate Muslims earlier

[1:12:43] but I can't help but notice that all of the Muslims get murdered by the end of the movie

[1:12:47] and don't get forgiven uh and the two police run in and or their sheriffs or something and Brant goes

[1:12:53] these guys are all terrorists and they're like that's all we needed to hear and they just start

[1:12:57] shooting the guards like right off the bat like that's all they need and they might as well just

[1:13:04] shouting probable cause probable cause as they shoot these guys yeah let's uh turn these body

[1:13:09] cams off hold on let's just let's just turn these off and we'll just get go on through the building

[1:13:15] killing everybody uh and brant and ram is like the voice i heard it was a british accent and

[1:13:21] And Brant was like, that was my wife talking through you to me.

[1:13:24] I don't know why she didn't talk to me.

[1:13:26] That's why I made a big point about the fact that my wife had a British accent earlier.

[1:13:29] That's why earlier I made a big spiel out of it.

[1:13:31] Don't know why she didn't go directly.

[1:13:33] She could have cut out the middleman and just talked to me.

[1:13:35] We're closer.

[1:13:36] I would have known it was her, but okay.

[1:13:37] Ram then says, Amy, use your Bible app to look up the Bible and make sure nothing was changed.

[1:13:44] That was great.

[1:13:45] And that's also fantastic.

[1:13:45] That was really great.

[1:13:46] And so she looks up.

[1:13:47] It's called, like, I Devout or something.

[1:13:49] Oh, yeah.

[1:13:50] That's the moment where you're like, is this whole thing an ad for this ad?

[1:13:54] Yeah, this ad, which is just the text of the Bible, I assume.

[1:13:57] And I'm sure they do that thing where it counts how many times each word shows up.

[1:13:59] So many microtransactions, yeah.

[1:14:01] Yeah, and you can Venmo people Bibles.

[1:14:04] They call it tithing.

[1:14:04] Yeah.

[1:14:05] So anyway, she looks up in the Bible, and she's like, yeah, there's the story of the disciple of Jesus whose robe got stolen, who ran away naked.

[1:14:15] That was you.

[1:14:16] And here's this, the guy who got his ear cut off.

[1:14:18] That was Brant.

[1:14:19] Like, they all have their Bible cameos now, which is a pretty great story to be able to tell at parties, to be like, hey, pick up that Bible and turn to that verse.

[1:14:26] You're looking at him.

[1:14:27] Like, that's a pretty amazing thing, you know.

[1:14:29] I guess the history really is accurate.

[1:14:31] All that stuff is incredibly accurate.

[1:14:33] Simon said so.

[1:14:34] And when Simon says, you got to do it, that's the rule.

[1:14:38] Yeah.

[1:14:39] So now Ram has a cameo in the Bible, everyone's dream.

[1:14:44] And 2029 Ram arrives in the room and is like, hey, guys, what's going on?

[1:14:49] it took mustang and forever to get loose as bible robe ram disappears overwritten by the timeline

[1:14:55] okay guys we're in the home stretch of the movie yeah three months later they're in a base ram's

[1:15:00] basement as a team still building this transporter and amy is convinced that this was all to save

[1:15:06] brant's soul so it's like okay all those people had to die so that brant could come back into the

[1:15:11] fold that's that's like god that's that's the kind of stuff god would do he's he's well it also

[1:15:16] opens up this thing is like is that is that how jesus dying saved us like is it like all part

[1:15:23] do we each get an individual time travel much like god much like god invented asthma and then

[1:15:30] had the earth invaded by aliens so that mel gibson would get his faith back uh god resurrected jesus

[1:15:37] and then had all these people killed and allowed ram to invent time travel just to give grant his

[1:15:42] faith back god is if anything he believes in um what you would call disproportionate response

[1:15:47] that if one guy loses his faith god's like i could show up in front of him i think i will

[1:15:53] imperil the earth instead and hope everything turns out well that's the other thing that

[1:15:57] confused me because i'm like okay this movie sort of like there's a part earlier on where

[1:16:04] ram explains like okay well here's this continuum and here's this continuum and we're stuck in this

[1:16:10] continuum which is a loop so it doesn't affect the other like he like does a thing so it's like

[1:16:13] okay things are splitting things are branching that seems to me kind of at odds with the idea

[1:16:21] of like time being overwritten well no the fact that there are these different timelines where

[1:16:27] people who actually exist like die yeah you know and you know like uh i don't know all that stuff

[1:16:34] seems to fight with the idea of like a singular god who's in control of everything and wants to

[1:16:41] save us like fair point you could say that god is running an infinite number of simulations much

[1:16:46] like in the in the novel and the devil drag you under he's running an infinite number of simulations

[1:16:51] to see how each turns out so each timeline so there so god is overlooking all of it but instead

[1:16:56] of meddling directly he instead just sets up a universe and is like there's an infinite number

[1:17:02] of monkeys, one of them is going to write Shakespeare, you know, like infinite number

[1:17:04] of universes, and one of them, Brandt, is going to get his faith back, and that's all

[1:17:07] I'm looking for.

[1:17:08] So if it takes billions and billions of Amy's to die, if it means in one of those, Brandt

[1:17:15] gets his faith, then good enough for me.

[1:17:17] I'm God.

[1:17:17] You can't question my methods.

[1:17:18] Did you invent – where were you when I created Behemoth?

[1:17:21] Where were you when I put the chain in the block or whatever?

[1:17:24] You can't question me.

[1:17:24] I can turn into a sandstorm.

[1:17:25] Where were you when I sent a truck into space?

[1:17:27] Yeah, did you send a truck into space?

[1:17:29] Because I'm God.

[1:17:30] I didn't, but I could have.

[1:17:31] Okay, that all makes sense

[1:17:35] So we're in the future, everybody's happy

[1:17:37] No, they're not

[1:17:38] This was all to save Brant's soul

[1:17:39] But in saving his soul, Brant has lost the use of his legs

[1:17:42] And can't get a job

[1:17:43] He seems to be a quadriplegic

[1:17:46] But I think in the VO they call him a paraplegic

[1:17:48] But anyway, I could be wrong

[1:17:49] And he's over Zoom

[1:17:52] Doing a job interview

[1:17:53] And they're like, you can't do the things we need you to do for this job

[1:17:56] So you can't get it now

[1:17:57] So he's got an ADA case on his hands

[1:18:00] Certainly a discrimination case

[1:18:01] but still um but he's just unhappy and he asked god he's like god why you do all this to me uh so

[1:18:07] they have a lot of elaborate plan ram goes back in time and by appearing for a split second as

[1:18:14] a construction worker with a stop sign he manages to stop brant's car just in time to save his

[1:18:19] family oh right and there's a little comedy bit where amy's like did you forget something oh i

[1:18:26] love you did you forget something else he kisses her no that's not it did you and it turns out he

[1:18:30] forgot his stop sign and it's one of those things where it's like movie just be over why are you

[1:18:35] doing bits like why are you prolonging this just do it and just be over especially when you see

[1:18:40] what they squeeze into the last 20 seconds so then in vo that so there's and they find two letters

[1:18:46] taped to the back of the stop sign brant and his family they're like someone disappeared but we

[1:18:50] found a construction helmet and a stop sign it must have been a miracle god must have done this

[1:18:54] and they find two letters one is to brant and i don't and it's like and in vo they're like we

[1:18:59] left a letter for brant tipping him telling him to tip off the nsa and the government and the fbi

[1:19:04] about ahmed and we also left a jump drive that was addressed to me it had the secrets to time travel

[1:19:09] and i used it to become a wealthy man and now i'm super rich but i also used it to peek into the

[1:19:14] future then we cut to them still working at ahmed's lab they all get shot and ram transports amy to a

[1:19:21] hospital in 2059 for future medicine and he goes but they ended up in a dystopian future where ahmed

[1:19:27] had cloned Jesus

[1:19:28] and brought him back

[1:19:29] and Jesus could raise the dead

[1:19:30] but he was evil

[1:19:31] and now he's the Antichrist

[1:19:33] the end

[1:19:34] and you were like

[1:19:34] why did you waste time

[1:19:36] on the comedy bit

[1:19:36] where he forgot a stop sign

[1:19:37] and then

[1:19:38] hurriedly throw in

[1:19:40] purely through VO

[1:19:41] we see none of this

[1:19:42] that there's a clone of Jesus

[1:19:44] that is evil

[1:19:45] and has raised an army

[1:19:45] he's a clone of Jesus

[1:19:47] he has a bunch of superpowers

[1:19:48] that ram lists

[1:19:50] and he's like

[1:19:51] but you know

[1:19:52] he's

[1:19:53] in all little ways

[1:19:54] he's the opposite of Jesus

[1:19:55] I guess that's why

[1:19:57] they call him

[1:19:57] the antichrist and it's also but it's also the movie puts on a pair of sunglasses and goes

[1:20:02] but also i mean i've lost track of which brant and not which which ram and and amy are doing

[1:20:12] because that's my question we now live in a we have to assume this timeline unless brant just

[1:20:16] didn't read that letter and then ram and amy got hit on the head and forgot everything that

[1:20:20] happened to them this is it should be a world where brant has already called the cops on

[1:20:24] ahmed for being a terrorist but somehow amy and amy and ram are they already have a time machine

[1:20:31] right because they've used it to save brand yep they're working for ahmed again and they still

[1:20:38] get shot and they're still working the transporter i don't it's like it's a flashback to the sequence

[1:20:43] where amy signed her other self what was happening and then they all got gunned down and then it

[1:20:51] turns out that they survived getting shot a bunch barely and ram is like i have to send us to the

[1:20:57] future where they have invented a cure for getting shot a bunch i misunderstood i thought this was

[1:21:01] happening in sequence so this is that right so we are jumping back we're jumping back to that

[1:21:05] earlier thing so he so when ram says i looked into the future what he means is i saw this other amy

[1:21:11] and ram in the future who didn't get overwritten i guess and they're now living it and this sets

[1:21:17] it up for the sequel where now they're in a dystopian zombie jesus apocalypse but this yeah

[1:21:21] but it's all told to you literally in v and he is rushing the voiceover as if they are running out

[1:21:27] of time in the recording booth and they don't want to pay for overtime like and the manager of the

[1:21:31] recording booth is standing outside he can see him through the window tapping his watch he's like uh

[1:21:35] and that's why they call him the antichrist the end yeah yeah it's it's like when you go over time

[1:21:39] at a karaoke place yeah i like look i i would go mad if i tried to really map out let's do it

[1:21:48] dan let's risk that we can always go back in time and fix you it does feel to me that like this

[1:21:54] future still somehow should have been avoided by the other actions of the thing but i guess

[1:22:01] or like not avoided but like be in a different time continuum yes from the ram that has then

[1:22:07] become our hero by the end of the movie the ahmed that took dn jesus dna i guess he didn't go back

[1:22:14] to his home time he went to 2059 instead which allows yeah which allows a different ahmed who

[1:22:20] didn't go back in time to get stabbed to death by uh by ram but uh a crime which is again i guess

[1:22:28] considered okay because he is a terrorist on the on the basis of no evidence whatsoever uh that

[1:22:34] they can present but that like it's it like all the it yeah it's like the movie has gone to such

[1:22:39] great lengths to set up how time travel works and then last and at the very end they're like

[1:22:43] forget it you know what it doesn't matter but wouldn't it be cool if what if i had guys i

[1:22:50] thought of this idea like what if the anti-christ was like christ but anti okay okay let's make a

[1:22:57] movie so explain what you mean by that like a real christ like he's made out of anti-matter

[1:23:01] i don't understand we took we took a dna christ you know and we made our own christ but because

[1:23:06] it's like a false christ it's all fucked up okay so describe how it's described a little bit too

[1:23:12] twisted for me right yeah i don't know i kind of wish i was like it's a bit of a mind freak for me

[1:23:20] so dan maybe you can lay it out more so i understand it a little more imagine imagine

[1:23:24] christ but like bad okay so like what would but how would that manifest like what is he doing

[1:23:29] What makes him mad?

[1:23:31] I don't know, he'd blow up things.

[1:23:32] I mean, because the Christ in the movie we saw blew up a cave.

[1:23:35] Yeah, he'd explode things and he wouldn't want people to be free.

[1:23:40] And he'd exhort his followers to go to other countries and murder them and force them to live under his laws and steal all their stuff.

[1:23:47] Guys, is it possible that we've been dealing with the Antichrist this whole time?

[1:23:51] It's possible.

[1:23:52] In our continuum.

[1:23:52] Talk about blasphemy.

[1:23:53] Yeah, yeah, basically.

[1:23:54] So, Dan, this was the point when I knew Dan was watching the movie.

[1:23:59] because he would text me stuff every now and then,

[1:24:01] and then he just texted me, the fuck?

[1:24:03] And that was his response to the ending.

[1:24:05] Yeah.

[1:24:07] It's quite something.

[1:24:09] Two thumbs up.

[1:24:10] Can you think of another movie that introduces a whole other storyline

[1:24:13] at the very end in voiceover?

[1:24:16] I mean, you already said the Marvel movies.

[1:24:18] The Marvel movies do it in the, but also they do those end credits things,

[1:24:22] but you're like, I know this will be paid off at some point in another movie.

[1:24:26] But this is never, I don't, unless they were really hoping to do the sequel,

[1:24:29] Black Easter 2, Black Palm Sunday, you know.

[1:24:32] It's got a, I mean, it's clearly a shameless, like, play for a sequel, right?

[1:24:37] I have to assume so, yeah.

[1:24:39] Oh, yeah, definitely.

[1:24:40] I mean, it won all those fucking awards.

[1:24:41] I saw them.

[1:24:43] And the movie's very historically accurate.

[1:24:46] Now, I'm curious, I'm not going to watch the other cut of it

[1:24:48] because I only have so much, God has only given me so much time on this earth,

[1:24:51] but I wonder if the other cut does not end with that

[1:24:53] and if they were like, yeah, this is hitting it off.

[1:24:55] This is doing well.

[1:24:57] Let's throw in an ending that can get us a sequel

[1:24:59] Because if they do make a sequel, we are going to have to watch it for another small member.

[1:25:02] Yeah.

[1:25:04] Although knowing the way movies work now, I'm sure this director will get handed like a Star Wars movie to make now.

[1:25:09] Yep.

[1:25:09] Because that's the way movies work is you make an independent film that wins awards and then suddenly you get handed a movie that costs a billion dollars.

[1:25:16] Critically beloved this was.

[1:25:17] Let's do a final judgment.

[1:25:19] Well, on Rotten Tomatoes it has a one stolen tomato.

[1:25:23] Is this a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie we kind of like?

[1:25:29] say very quickly the as we have said the premise of the movie uh you know is very islamophobic uh

[1:25:39] and the movie itself and the movie itself like if you have uh bad experiences with

[1:25:46] religion in the past i could imagine this movie being very difficult to get through

[1:25:51] uh if you don't have those hang-ups uh it is a very silly silly bad movie that moves quickly

[1:26:02] and does all sorts of nutty things that i never expected to see in a movie so

[1:26:07] i would give it a good bed uh under with with precautions yeah i mean i think that's i think

[1:26:14] that's fair i mean i think if if for whatever reason uh the topic uh the topics this movie

[1:26:21] touches on aren't uh triggers for you then yeah it's very silly very stupid uh and it uh it's a

[1:26:31] time travel movie about going back in time to kill jesus i mean it's it's ridiculous uh i would i

[1:26:36] guess good bad yeah i would also call this a good bad movie i think uh if you are the kind of person

[1:26:42] who goes out of your way to watch bad movies

[1:26:44] and make fun of them with your friends

[1:26:46] that I'm guessing that you probably

[1:26:47] are not going to be too bothered

[1:26:49] by the religious aspects of it.

[1:26:52] That's a good point.

[1:26:53] But I don't want to judge,

[1:26:54] but I don't want to guess who people are.

[1:26:56] I will say that,

[1:26:57] so the writer-director's name is Jim Carroll.

[1:27:00] I want to mention that fans of the Basketball Diaries

[1:27:02] should know that this is not that Jim Carroll.

[1:27:04] It's not that Jim Carroll.

[1:27:05] No, this is not the Jim Carroll.

[1:27:06] This is not the kind of punk icon Jim Carroll.

[1:27:10] That is the joke I made to Audrey while we were watching it, to which I think she responded, what?

[1:27:15] Who's that?

[1:27:16] So that's my one thing.

[1:27:19] If you see his name in the credits, don't be like, that's what he's up to these days.

[1:27:22] No, he died in 2009.

[1:27:23] So otherwise, I would say good, bad movie.

[1:27:26] This is a movie I was worried was going to be super serious.

[1:27:29] And it was just the right mix of taking itself seriously while also being total goofball.

[1:27:36] So yeah, I'd call it a good, bad movie.

[1:27:39] I thought this was, as far as small members go,

[1:27:42] I feel like we had two solid good-bads.

[1:27:45] Two bangers.

[1:27:45] Yeah, in this and Andy the Talking Hedgehog.

[1:27:48] Both with great voiceovers.

[1:27:50] Both movies that relied so heavily on voiceover

[1:27:52] to try to tell you things that the movie could not figure out

[1:27:54] how to tell you otherwise, you know?

[1:27:56] Yeah.

[1:27:56] Congratulations.

[1:28:01] You've won a ticket to attend an exclusive opportunity

[1:28:05] in a relaxing environment with two lovers.

[1:28:08] Wow.

[1:28:09] Wow. Well, this sounds like a sort of proposition of sorts, but really it's an ad for our podcast. Wonderful.

[1:28:15] It's a show we do here on Maximum Fun where we talk about things that we like and things that we're into.

[1:28:20] I'm Rachel McElroy, and you just heard Griffin McElroy, and we are excited for you to join us as we talk about movies and music and books.

[1:28:28] Things like sneezing or the idea of rain.

[1:28:31] Can you get news or information you can use?

[1:28:35] Absolutely you cannot.

[1:28:37] because we're here to talk to you about Pumpernickel Bread.

[1:28:40] You can find new episodes on Wednesdays.

[1:28:42] So catch the wave.

[1:28:44] From the internationally acclaimed creators of Who Shot Ya?

[1:28:49] comes the movie podcast Maximum Film.

[1:28:52] Starring producer and film festival programmer Drea Clark

[1:28:55] as a woman bound by passion.

[1:28:57] I saw this eight months ago on the festival circuit and I loved it.

[1:29:01] Film critic Alonzo Duralde as a man corrupted by greed.

[1:29:05] Why watch one Hallmark Christmas movie when I can watch seven?

[1:29:08] And comedian Ify Wadiwe as a man protecting a love that society simply won't accept.

[1:29:13] I think Pacific Rim is a perfect movie.

[1:29:15] And if you can't accept that, then I want you out of my life!

[1:29:18] From the makers of the movie podcast Who Shot Ya? comes Maximum Film.

[1:29:22] That's right, we changed the name of our show to Maximum Film.

[1:29:25] But don't worry, we're still a movie review show that isn't just a bunch of straight white dudes.

[1:29:30] So tune in to Maximum Film at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.

[1:29:36] The Flophouse is sponsored in part by Squarespace.

[1:29:40] With Squarespace, you can create a beautiful website by, you know, blogging or publishing content, sell products or services of all kinds, just turning your cool idea into a site that others can enjoy on the internet.

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[1:30:25] Hey, Dan, I actually had an idea inspired by this movie for a website, and I was wondering if they might be able to help me.

[1:30:31] Yeah, shoot.

[1:30:32] So when Brant tells God, this is on you from that point on, I feel like that's hard – it's a hard thing to get away with, to just say this is God's fault.

[1:30:42] I'm not taking any blame for it.

[1:30:43] So what if I told you I had a social networking platform that would connect you with random people around the globe that you could blame for your problems or that you could use to blame for mistakes that you make?

[1:30:56] It's called Blamebook.

[1:30:57] And over at Blamebook, we have a simple goal, to change the world for the better by making it easier to blame people that you've never met and never will meet for problems that you've had.

[1:31:07] It gets rid of the consequences for you.

[1:31:09] And of course there's no consequence for them because it's not like someone is going to go all the way to the other side of the world just to ask them why they wrecked their shoes, which is probably something that you would do that you would want to blame someone for.

[1:31:19] So Blamebook would be a massive social network where you could blame other people for things that you've done.

[1:31:26] They could blame you.

[1:31:27] It's a reciprocal blaming thing.

[1:31:28] No one ever has to deal with any consequences for anything.

[1:31:31] So how does that sound to you?

[1:31:33] I mean, I can't see how there could be anything possibly wrong with creating another place on the internet where people can lash out at strangers.

[1:31:41] Well, yeah.

[1:31:42] Also, I mean, it might be tough to Google because there's that hit manga, Blame.

[1:31:47] So if you're searching for Blame Book, although it does use an exclamation point.

[1:31:52] No, no, but that's a good point.

[1:31:53] I wouldn't want people to get confused.

[1:31:55] Does yours use an exclamation point?

[1:31:57] It was going to, but it was going to be after Book.

[1:31:59] It would be Blame Book.

[1:32:00] Oh, okay.

[1:32:01] Blame Book.

[1:32:02] Okay, but those are both good points.

[1:32:04] Dan, maybe instead of a social networking site,

[1:32:07] it's kind of like a doxing site

[1:32:10] where the person you're blaming doesn't know it

[1:32:12] and you're putting up their personal information.

[1:32:13] I feel like you're going in the wrong direction on this one.

[1:32:16] Okay, is that worse somehow?

[1:32:17] Okay, then you know what?

[1:32:18] Somehow.

[1:32:18] I got a better idea.

[1:32:19] How about we just call it bg.com, blamegod.com,

[1:32:23] and it's the site where you can input

[1:32:26] what you need to blame God for

[1:32:28] and who you're telling this blame to,

[1:32:32] and the site will create a personalized letter from God

[1:32:35] to the person that you need to get out of being in trouble with.

[1:32:39] Just taking the blame.

[1:32:41] Dear Stuart, I'm sorry that I wrecked your shoes.

[1:32:44] Love, God.

[1:32:45] And really, it's Dan that wrecked your shoes.

[1:32:47] I actually think you're on to something here, Elliot.

[1:32:49] Okay, so there it is, bg.com, blamegod.com.

[1:32:52] Do you think Squarespace could help me with that?

[1:32:54] Yes, and as I said before,

[1:32:57] go to squarespace.com slash flop for a free trial,

[1:33:02] And use the offer code FLOP for 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[1:33:06] But we're also sponsored in part by Storyblocks.

[1:33:09] Storyblocks is a stock media service and makes it possible for creators to keep up with the growing demands for modern video content so you can bring all of your stories to life and stop sacrificing your vision due to time, budget, or resources.

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[1:33:52] Stay on budget while telling the best version of your story with the most affordable subscription plans and tools on the market that scale to meet your needs.

[1:34:00] You know what?

[1:34:02] Stock footage is used by all kinds of people, whether you're making Black Easter or, like me, you're making a new intermission song for the live show that is happening this evening.

[1:34:16] You put some elbow grease into that thing.

[1:34:18] I did, actually.

[1:34:20] It may be the most actual work that is put into one of the elements of the show.

[1:34:24] I don't know.

[1:34:25] But so you can see that made all with Storyblocks footage at the live show.

[1:34:32] And you, too, can do like the Flophouse does, explore their library.

[1:34:36] Subscribe today at Storyblocks.com slash Flop.

[1:34:40] That's Storyblocks.com slash Flop.

[1:34:44] Stuart, I think you have a Jumbotron.

[1:34:47] Jumbotron.

[1:34:48] That's right, Dan.

[1:34:50] Hey, has your appetite for supernatural mystery tabletop role-playing games been wedded by the adventures of the Hogsbottom 3?

[1:35:00] That's a reference to the Flophouse bonus content where I make these guys play role-playing games with me.

[1:35:06] Well, good news.

[1:35:08] Lakeshore and Limbo is solving occult cases in the city of Chicago on a weekly basis.

[1:35:15] This actual play podcast features a sloppy alchemist, a former cat, and a 1940s film star solving spooky puzzles using the F.U. system.

[1:35:28] And the cast includes performers from Second City Theatricals, I.O. Chicago, and Jackbox Games.

[1:35:36] So Lakeshore and Limbo is available on Spotify, iTunes, and all of the other usual podcast suspects.

[1:35:45] Why don't you check it out, listeners?

[1:35:47] And hey, if you liked hearing that jumbotron

[1:35:50] and want to purchase a jumbotron of your own,

[1:35:53] did you know you could do that

[1:35:54] to send messages of either a personal

[1:35:56] or promotional nature?

[1:35:57] Just go to MaximumFun.org slash jumbotron

[1:36:01] and pick which show, this one,

[1:36:03] you want it to be on,

[1:36:04] and then do the message.

[1:36:05] And then unless there's something

[1:36:07] wildly offensive or defamatory,

[1:36:09] Stuart, Dan, or I...

[1:36:10] Or if we catch on to your plan

[1:36:13] And to have Dan say very specific words, sneakers style, for you to use his voice to break into his security system.

[1:36:20] Exactly.

[1:36:20] It is my passport.

[1:36:21] Yeah.

[1:36:22] You can't Tobolowsky him.

[1:36:24] Yeah, you'll get the joy of hearing one of us saying those things, like the puppets we are.

[1:36:30] And you, the puppet master, pulling the Jumbotron strings.

[1:36:33] Oh, dear.

[1:36:36] So that's MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron to have us spread your messages.

[1:36:40] But hey, guys, I've got another thing to promote.

[1:36:42] Hey, hold on.

[1:36:43] This one's a limited time offer.

[1:36:44] Jumbotrons, we do those all the time.

[1:36:46] You can do them whenever you want.

[1:36:47] But as I mentioned at the top of the show,

[1:36:49] today is the day,

[1:36:51] if you're listening to this on September 25th,

[1:36:53] the day it comes out,

[1:36:53] today is the day when we will be doing

[1:36:56] our live remote Flophouse over your computers

[1:36:59] internet show, video show, talking show,

[1:37:03] where we're going to be talking about

[1:37:04] Super Mario Brothers.

[1:37:06] That's right.

[1:37:06] We couldn't let the 28th anniversary

[1:37:08] of this cinematic classic go past

[1:37:12] without us commenting on it, celebrating it, maybe.

[1:37:15] I haven't rewatched the movie yet for the show.

[1:37:17] I mean, I have in the past, because it's today.

[1:37:19] But when I'm recording this, I have not yet.

[1:37:21] And we're going to have all new PowerPoint presentations

[1:37:24] at the top.

[1:37:24] Dan made a hilarious video out of story blocks.

[1:37:28] We're also going to do some other neat segment stuff

[1:37:31] Dan has some ideas for.

[1:37:32] Dan's got a lot of ideas.

[1:37:33] We're going to be answering questions from the audience

[1:37:35] via Zoom chat, and

[1:37:37] we're going to talk about some other exclusive

[1:37:39] stuff that you're only going to know about

[1:37:41] if you watch the show. Just go to

[1:37:43] theflophouse.simpletix.com

[1:37:45] Again, that's theflophouse.simpletix.com

[1:37:49] It is Saturday, today, September

[1:37:51] 25th at 9pm Eastern,

[1:37:53] 6pm Pacific, and

[1:37:55] if you can't make it to the show

[1:37:57] on time, if you buy a ticket,

[1:37:59] you get access to the archived

[1:38:01] video of the show for one week before it

[1:38:03] disappears. Poof. Overwritten by the

[1:38:05] timeline as Jesus is

[1:38:06] assassinated in the past

[1:38:07] tickets cost tickets are

[1:38:08] available for a week

[1:38:10] during that time as well

[1:38:11] so if you missed it if

[1:38:13] you're listening to this

[1:38:13] on Sunday for instance

[1:38:14] that's true because you

[1:38:15] save Saturday for not

[1:38:17] touching any electronics

[1:38:18] then maybe you would

[1:38:20] want to listen to it and

[1:38:22] watch our show that's a

[1:38:23] very good point so if

[1:38:23] you missed it missed it

[1:38:24] now you can kissed it

[1:38:25] by paying the $10 for

[1:38:28] the ticket to get access

[1:38:30] to the archive video you

[1:38:31] have just that one week

[1:38:32] to watch it to buy a

[1:38:34] ticket and watch it and then it goes away and as we mentioned i think last time if it's a household

[1:38:40] you know it's just ten dollars per internet connection you don't need to you don't need to

[1:38:43] if you if there's four of you in the house then you're all gonna watch you don't have to buy

[1:38:47] four tickets yeah yeah yeah so don't be like forty dollars that's too much it's only ten dollars ten

[1:38:51] dollars one alexander hamilton you throw that money away you light cigars with it why not instead

[1:38:56] spend it on some entertainment as we talk super mario brothers the first video game movie maybe

[1:39:03] the best of them i don't know guys we'll find out that's saturday september 25th today 9 p.m eastern

[1:39:11] 6 p.m pacific go to theflophouse.simpletix.com well let's he's getting tighter at that every

[1:39:19] time he does every time i mean this is the last time so it's not gonna get any longer but you know

[1:39:23] yeah i cannot express enough how much it has to be this week that you see it because otherwise

[1:39:29] Guys, it will not be there.

[1:39:30] Well, let us move along to letters from listeners.

[1:39:34] Lettuce can't move along.

[1:39:35] This is a vegetable.

[1:39:36] Good point.

[1:39:38] Well.

[1:39:39] Alex, delete that.

[1:39:40] Alex, do not delete that.

[1:39:43] Thank you.

[1:39:44] Alex, can you submit that to the Nobel Prize?

[1:39:47] Those were jokes.

[1:39:48] So I gave you guys one letters question,

[1:39:53] but I realized there's a thematically better letter to read.

[1:39:58] Wow.

[1:39:58] So I apologize for pulling a switcheroo on you.

[1:40:01] Okay, well, you're not going to get our best takes.

[1:40:04] No.

[1:40:05] This is from Mason Lansing with help.

[1:40:07] Oh, Mason Gamble, the star of Dennis the Menace the movie.

[1:40:09] Mason writes, greetings, peaches.

[1:40:12] I'm a longtime MaxFun contributor,

[1:40:14] and it brings me joy knowing that I'm helping to support

[1:40:16] my three favorite funny dudes just hanging out and talking movies.

[1:40:20] Love it.

[1:40:20] Dan needs that help right now.

[1:40:22] Then when I'm done listening to story break,

[1:40:24] I sometimes throw on the Flophouse so there's noise in the background

[1:40:27] while I do dishes.

[1:40:29] Just kidding.

[1:40:30] My question is this.

[1:40:33] That was a relief.

[1:40:34] Is there acting notes in there for you?

[1:40:39] Or was that all your own?

[1:40:40] Do it like a scam.

[1:40:41] There will be.

[1:40:42] My question is this.

[1:40:45] From the Ten Commandments to Noah,

[1:40:46] from Jesus of Montreal to Jesus Christ Superstar,

[1:40:50] the Bible has long been a source of inspiration

[1:40:53] for filmmakers.

[1:40:56] If you had to make a movie based on a Bible story, what story would you pick and how would you tackle it?

[1:41:02] Mason, last name, withheld.

[1:41:03] P.S. Stewart, I've been led to believe that your theological indoctrination level lags somewhat behind Dan's and Elliot's.

[1:41:12] So might I recommend Samson, who slaughters an army using a donkey's jawbone before getting his eyes gouged out?

[1:41:19] Or possibly that one time that the prophet Elisha summoned two dire bears to totally

[1:41:24] murderify some rude teens.

[1:41:26] Yeah, that was not...

[1:41:27] That's the one that I wanted to bring up.

[1:41:29] That sounds sick.

[1:41:29] Elisha, the petty prophet.

[1:41:30] And he's the one who visits you.

[1:41:32] He's the one who visits every person and goes to your house at Passover.

[1:41:36] So, like, you got to make sure he doesn't bring the bears with him.

[1:41:39] Yeah.

[1:41:40] Well, as long as you don't call him bald head and tell him to go up.

[1:41:45] The kids go, go up, you bald head.

[1:41:47] And he's like, bears, get them.

[1:41:49] Wow.

[1:41:50] To me, my bears.

[1:41:51] I think I would like to do a really good Jonah movie because nothing like getting swallowed by a big fish, guys.

[1:42:01] So you're saying the movie Big Fish was not an accurate enough telling of the Jonah story?

[1:42:05] No.

[1:42:06] No.

[1:42:07] I actually have one, guys.

[1:42:09] I would like to do a, this is going to be a little bit out there, but it's going to be a David and Goliath story, but where David and Goliath are both sports teams.

[1:42:20] And obviously the David would be the young plucky upstarts and Goliath would be the established team.

[1:42:26] Maybe they play some like a form of soccer that involves martial arts as well.

[1:42:32] We'll figure it out.

[1:42:33] Okay.

[1:42:34] Okay.

[1:42:35] That makes sense.

[1:42:36] It's all ripped from the page.

[1:42:39] I mean, David and Goliath is a great idea,

[1:42:42] but I'd want to do the prequel about when David first met Goliath and their friends

[1:42:47] and what happens and what tears them apart so that they become enemies in the Bible story.

[1:42:51] It's hinted at at the end of the movie that they're going to fight.

[1:42:54] Yeah, exactly.

[1:42:55] Yeah, and there's some joke about stones or slings, you know.

[1:42:59] But I've always wanted there to be like a much better Passover movie than there is.

[1:43:05] I feel like the Ten Commandments is not great in my opinion.

[1:43:09] Prince of Egypt is fine.

[1:43:10] And to me the best adaptation of the Passover story is still Creeping Death, the Metallica song.

[1:43:15] So like I'd love to see a – I've never seen a Passover story dramatization that I think gets across the sheer like both the scope of that story and also the terror of it.

[1:43:27] It really gets across how terrifying it is when the plagues come down or things like that.

[1:43:32] or, like, what a strange man Moses must have been, you know?

[1:43:36] So, yeah, do some kind of big Passover epic.

[1:43:41] Or, again, there's that David and Goliath prequel

[1:43:43] where about how they're buddies.

[1:43:44] Yeah.

[1:43:45] If you do them as people and not sports teams, like I suggested.

[1:43:49] Yeah, I mean, it could be a prequel about how the sports teams are friends,

[1:43:51] but that's...

[1:43:52] Oh, all of them?

[1:43:54] Yeah, all of them.

[1:43:55] Like, each is individual friends with another person, or, like...

[1:44:00] No, they're only group friends.

[1:44:01] They only hang out together as groups.

[1:44:02] Yeah.

[1:44:03] I mean, you got an hour and a half to fill.

[1:44:04] I mean, yeah, you can make them all in there.

[1:44:06] Sure.

[1:44:07] You got an hour and a half to fill.

[1:44:08] Do what you like.

[1:44:09] Stuart, are you first?

[1:44:10] That was the log line for a Royal Ten of Mouths.

[1:44:14] We got like two hours.

[1:44:16] Put them all in there.

[1:44:16] Who cares?

[1:44:17] The studio goes, Stuart, we have some notes.

[1:44:19] Your movie currently has a 37-hour runtime.

[1:44:21] Yeah, I want to tell everybody's story.

[1:44:24] It's two teams with the people.

[1:44:25] Everybody, put them all in there.

[1:44:26] What do you got to do?

[1:44:29] Yeah.

[1:44:31] This is from Anthony, last name withheld.

[1:44:33] Dear floppers, you guys already had a bajillion episodes

[1:44:37] when I started listening a few years ago.

[1:44:39] I have no idea what the house cat is

[1:44:41] and I've never understood a single reference to it.

[1:44:43] Who is the house cat?

[1:44:45] Please explain the joke to me, an imbecile.

[1:44:47] Thanks, Anthony, last name withheld.

[1:44:49] Well, I'm assuming at the end of this episode,

[1:44:51] Alex will just tack on the He's the House Cat

[1:44:53] song of the summer that we released a few years ago.

[1:44:57] A few years ago?

[1:44:58] He's taking a brave, I will not listen to your back catalog stance.

[1:45:03] That's true.

[1:45:04] So the house cat was a character that I invented in an episode many years ago.

[1:45:09] The He's the House Cat song was 2013, so that's almost 10 years ago.

[1:45:13] Jesus God.

[1:45:15] Yeah, so the house cat was a character that Stuart invented,

[1:45:19] but really just a sound effect where Stuart would say,

[1:45:22] and we'd go, oh, the house cat's here, and that was it.

[1:45:27] And we started getting fan letters about the sound effect and about the house cat character.

[1:45:32] It really captured the imagination of our listeners, which is why Stuart stopped doing it right away.

[1:45:37] With our unerring instincts for self-promotion, as soon as it became a breakout hit, Stuart was like, I don't want to do this.

[1:45:45] We stopped calling attention to it.

[1:45:46] I'm more than a catchphrase.

[1:45:48] But I can understand how someone who's just come in, let's say in the past seven years of the podcast, might not understand that the house cat was once the darling of the internet.

[1:45:58] I'm sure there are people who are like, what is this rocket crocodile?

[1:46:04] I don't understand.

[1:46:05] And it's like, well, we did make a joke about it 11 years ago.

[1:46:08] In one episode.

[1:46:10] Yeah.

[1:46:10] Oh, it's weird.

[1:46:13] You know, time flies, guys.

[1:46:14] I mean, Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd only did the Wild and Crazy Guys characters, you know, like three times or something like that.

[1:46:20] So, you know.

[1:46:20] Oh, wow.

[1:46:21] And then it inspired the Joker movies.

[1:46:23] Well, let's close up the mailbag and we'll move along to the good movies bag.

[1:46:33] Zoop.

[1:46:33] That's the opening of the zipper sound.

[1:46:36] Yeah.

[1:46:37] And we're going to recommend some movies.

[1:46:40] Then if you don't like to laugh at a movie, maybe you'll like to enjoy a movie that we liked.

[1:46:47] I'm going to recommend a movie that I'm pretty sure Elliot will be familiar with.

[1:46:52] It's called Dr. Cyclops from 1940.

[1:46:56] It's directed by Ernest B. Schoedstack.

[1:47:02] Is that how you say his name?

[1:47:03] Schoedstack, I think, yeah.

[1:47:04] Who was half of the team that did King Kong.

[1:47:06] Him and Marion C. Cooper did King Kong together.

[1:47:09] It's a trim, 76 minutes.

[1:47:12] It's a pulpy, old-style adventure science fiction thriller

[1:47:19] about the titular doctor who's not actually named Dr. Cyclops.

[1:47:24] He has very bad eyesight.

[1:47:26] It's just bestowed upon him, and he has learned how to shrink things.

[1:47:32] It's maybe the second best shrinking people movie, I'm going to say,

[1:47:36] after The Incredible Shrinking Man.

[1:47:38] It's a solid – and, of course, it has everyone's favorite star, Albert Decker, as Dr. Cyclops.

[1:47:45] Yeah.

[1:47:46] Yeah, there's a team of scientists and various fellow travelers with the scientists that are – they go visit this guy.

[1:47:58] And he gets mad at them and he shrinks them.

[1:48:01] And he tries to kill them.

[1:48:04] And it's about, you know, this mad scientist being chasing these tiny people around.

[1:48:10] And I thought it's in Technicolor.

[1:48:14] It looks really pretty.

[1:48:15] It's fun.

[1:48:16] Dr. Cyclops from 1940.

[1:48:18] That sounds great.

[1:48:20] Yeah.

[1:48:20] I'm going to recommend a movie on Amazon.

[1:48:24] Wait, let me.

[1:48:24] On Amazon Prime.

[1:48:26] It just popped up.

[1:48:27] It's a movie called The Voyeurs.

[1:48:29] It is an erotic thriller.

[1:48:33] You haven't seen one of those in a while, huh?

[1:48:35] Since Zalman King got out of the game?

[1:48:36] Yeah.

[1:48:37] They're always calling him.

[1:48:40] They go to his cabin where he's chopping wood.

[1:48:42] And they go, Zalman King?

[1:48:44] And he goes, how'd you find me?

[1:48:45] We got one more job for you.

[1:48:47] There was one more red shoe diary.

[1:48:50] Finally made it to the end of the phone book.

[1:48:52] Because Zalman's, whatever.

[1:48:53] So the Voyeurs is a movie.

[1:48:56] Yeah, because the phone book is organized by first name.

[1:48:58] So that's why Zalman is at the end of the phone book.

[1:49:01] When was the last time you looked at a phone book, dude?

[1:49:04] My memory could be wrong.

[1:49:05] Maybe it is organized by first name.

[1:49:07] I'm going to get back to my recommendation here.

[1:49:11] So this is a movie about a young couple who move into an apartment and they become obsessed

[1:49:19] with the personal life of their neighbors who live across the way and they can see into

[1:49:26] their apartment uh and it's genuinely like uh sexy and it looks great and it sounds great and

[1:49:35] it's just rare to watch a modern movie that has any sex at all let alone one that's kind of hot

[1:49:41] so uh and it's got some fucking nutty twists yeah so i totally recommend it i think it's great it's

[1:49:48] got i guess there's a couple things that would be uh triggering but it's like a weird horny

[1:49:53] erotic thriller so watch like if if you're up for that watch that shit i liked the horny parts

[1:49:58] the twists are pretty silly that's what's great about it yeah that's true i feel like as i've

[1:50:04] gotten older the sillier the twist the better yeah that's true i remember siskel and ebert

[1:50:08] having the exact same conversation about some movie where ebert said i liked the horny parts

[1:50:12] yeah yeah that was speaking about horny and silly i wanted to recommend uh the movie margaret

[1:50:21] directed by Kenneth Lonergan

[1:50:22] starring Anna Paquin.

[1:50:23] The three-hour cut of it

[1:50:25] is on Criterion.

[1:50:26] I have not seen the shorter cut

[1:50:27] that was released to theaters.

[1:50:28] But it's the story of a teenager

[1:50:32] in high school

[1:50:33] who lives on the Upper West Side

[1:50:35] of Manhattan

[1:50:35] who accidentally causes

[1:50:37] a bus accident

[1:50:38] that leads to the death

[1:50:39] of a woman, a random woman.

[1:50:40] And it weighs on her.

[1:50:43] And as she is going through

[1:50:44] the same kind of trials

[1:50:45] and tribulations

[1:50:46] that I'm sure all

[1:50:46] Upper West Side teens go through

[1:50:48] about who is she

[1:50:49] and misunderstanding the adult world.

[1:50:51] She becomes more and more focused on feeling like

[1:50:53] someone needs to be punished for this

[1:50:55] and focuses on the bus driver who is,

[1:50:58] she feels is as culpable as she is for this bus accident.

[1:51:02] And it's a very novelistic movie.

[1:51:05] There's a couple different character strands

[1:51:07] that kind of don't impact each other,

[1:51:11] but do like reinforce and inform each other.

[1:51:14] And it's like a,

[1:51:17] it's not the kind of movie that's gonna be for everybody.

[1:51:19] it feels like you're watching a novel of a movie

[1:51:21] I've never read a Jonathan Franzen book

[1:51:23] but there's part of me that was watching that was like this is probably

[1:51:25] what a Jonathan Franzen book is like you know

[1:51:27] kind of like unhappy well off people

[1:51:29] but I thought that

[1:51:31] it was really well made there's a lot of great scenes

[1:51:33] in it the performances are really great in it it's also got

[1:51:35] Matt Damon's in it Matthew Broderick's

[1:51:37] in it Allison Janney is in it

[1:51:39] Mark Ruffalo's in it lots of people

[1:51:41] are in it Jean Reno is in it

[1:51:43] playing not an assassin

[1:51:44] and like playing

[1:51:47] a very kind of a quiet character for him

[1:51:49] there's a lot of there's a lot of great actors in it and i don't know uh it might be because

[1:51:54] uh it's a very new york movie and it feels very new york uh and especially new york during the

[1:52:00] time that i lived there it might be that i liked a lot because there are a lot of scenes that take

[1:52:03] place at the metropolitan opera at lincoln center which is a building i know very well and i have a

[1:52:07] lot of good memories of but like i thought it was just the kind of movie that um uh i don't see a

[1:52:15] lot of and i understand why it was not a hit you know uh it was the release was delayed for a number

[1:52:21] of years because there were lawsuits between the director and the financiers over the cut of it

[1:52:26] but uh but i thought it was really satisfying and really good and in a world where i watched

[1:52:31] a four-hour movie of unhappy batman i feel like i can watch three hours of like actual human beings

[1:52:39] dealing with like human being stuff so i thought it was really good it's called margaret the main

[1:52:43] character's name is not

[1:52:43] Margaret, though.

[1:52:44] So don't go into it

[1:52:45] expecting Anna Paquin's

[1:52:46] character to be named

[1:52:47] Margaret.

[1:52:47] Sorry.

[1:52:48] Spoiler alert.

[1:52:49] Sorry, too.

[1:52:51] There are a bunch of

[1:52:52] characters...

[1:52:52] There's one fan out

[1:52:53] there who's really

[1:52:53] invested in Anna Paquin.

[1:52:53] ...who only sees movies

[1:52:54] for the main character's

[1:52:55] Margaret.

[1:52:56] Well, yeah, it's like

[1:52:56] when you fire up

[1:52:57] Legend of Zelda and

[1:52:58] you're like, cool, I

[1:52:59] get to play Zelda.

[1:52:59] It's like, whoa, not

[1:53:00] so fast.

[1:53:01] You're looking for

[1:53:02] Zelda.

[1:53:03] But she's not even

[1:53:04] looking for Margaret

[1:53:04] in this.

[1:53:04] But there were a

[1:53:05] number of characters

[1:53:06] in it who were like...

[1:53:07] Who's looking for

[1:53:08] Sugar Man?

[1:53:09] Sugar Man is the...

[1:53:10] Or searching for Sugar Man.

[1:53:11] Yeah.

[1:53:12] I guess you're looking for Mr. Goodbar.

[1:53:14] Is Mr. Goodbar Sugar Man?

[1:53:15] No, he's Forrester.

[1:53:16] Mr. Goodbar is a candy bar.

[1:53:18] Yes, it is a man made of sugar,

[1:53:20] but I think you're actually finding Forrester,

[1:53:21] who is also a sugary man and has a good bar.

[1:53:27] It's called Hinterlands.

[1:53:28] It's in Brooklyn.

[1:53:28] Oh, wow.

[1:53:30] Stealth plug right there.

[1:53:31] Margaret is like...

[1:53:32] It's a good movie for someone who doesn't live in New York anymore.

[1:53:34] There's a number of characters who I felt like were like,

[1:53:36] these are New York people.

[1:53:37] These are people I remember from my time in New York.

[1:53:39] and so i really liked a lot well we did it we did it guys that was another one in the can another

[1:53:46] uh hit that hit that flusher get it out of here make the fish drink it the icy hand of shocktober

[1:53:54] is now reaching out to clutch our shoulders uh as we can't tease what we're gonna watch because

[1:54:01] we haven't decided yet but we wait let's take a moment to wave bye-bye to the tiny hand of small

[1:54:05] ember which we gently remove from our pocket uh where it was attempting to steal a pen and yeah

[1:54:12] and and say not this time small ember but you've been great yeah well for the flop house i'd like

[1:54:19] to thank alex smith our producer uh-huh i would like to thank maximum fun our network and i would

[1:54:26] like to say goodbye from me dan mccoy and me stewart wellington and me elliot

[1:54:37] kaylin who is hoping that i'll see you again later today at our show september 25th 9 p.m

[1:54:46] eastern 6 p.m pacific super mario brothers go to theflophouse.simpletix.com or go anytime in

[1:54:51] the next week and you'll be able to pay to watch the video but until then goodbye bye

[1:54:57] we didn't even touch on i think one of my favorite scenes in the movie when uh ram is like okay so

[1:55:08] i'm going to show the terrorists the time travel thing but when they're distracted i'm gonna run

[1:55:13] and use it real quick and he like tried to do it they catch him immediately that's right yeah

[1:55:18] Like, they just hold their arm out and he runs into it.

[1:55:21] Like, yeah, there was a lot of good stuff in that movie.

[1:55:24] I mean, by good, I mean bad, you know.

[1:55:26] Maximumfun.org.

[1:55:28] Comedy and culture.

[1:55:30] Artist owned.

[1:55:31] Audience supported.

[1:55:32] Can I get your attention, please?

[1:55:35] This is the captain speaking.

[1:55:36] Can somebody tell that house cat to stop partying?

[1:55:48] The ancient prophecy speaks of a mighty house cat rising from a blood-red sea.

[1:55:57] Some say he was born in a puddle of toxic waste.

[1:56:01] Some say he's the son of the devil himself.

[1:56:04] He hangs out with the Flophouse guys.

[1:56:07] He's the house cat.

[1:56:08] Rawr!

[1:56:09] Did you, did you, did you know about the house cat?

[1:56:12] Rawr!

[1:56:13] that house cat is a badass he's a house cat

[1:56:17] no nerds allowed not on the house cats in town

[1:56:21] did you know about the house cat oh excuse me doctor but the diagnosis for that house cat is

[1:56:29] radical

[1:56:30] well of course he's 10 feet tall he's covered in silky white black fur he only wears his baseball

[1:56:41] cap on backwards. He's incredibly wealthy. Sunglasses? A necessity. Sometimes he wears

[1:56:48] overalls. He doesn't smoke cigarettes because they're bad for your health. His favorite

[1:56:52] instrument? The guitar. Favorite food? Pizza. Favorite movie? Road to Perdition. Favorite

[1:56:59] book? Tuck Everlasting.

[1:57:01] Ha-ha-house cat.

[1:57:02] Rawr!

[1:57:03] Did you, did you, did you know about the ha-ha-house cat?

[1:57:07] Rawr!

[1:57:07] The house cat does not play by the rules.

[1:57:11] he's a house cat it's been four days since we went out into the bush and that flop house cat

[1:57:17] is going completely feral.

[1:57:19] Uh-oh.

[1:57:20] He's wearing his overalls,

[1:57:23] picking up babes,

[1:57:24] eating some food,

[1:57:27] drinking some brews,

[1:57:29] knocking over nerds,

[1:57:32] breaking the rules,

[1:57:34] ruining weddings,

[1:57:36] and breaking up fools.

[1:57:38] No way.

[1:57:41] Two babes at once?

[1:57:42] I've been with too many human zeros.

[1:57:47] time to get with a house cat hero

[1:57:52] no no no no no leave the sunglasses on we sure hope you haven't been declawed

[1:58:01] did you did you did you know about the house cat

[1:58:06] who gave that cat those clothes he's a house cat

[1:58:11] mr president have you ever heard of a house cat

[1:58:15] he's so powerful uh-oh i don't know what's going on here officer

[1:58:23] that house cat should be in class but instead he stole my girlfriend

[1:58:26] did you did you did you know about the house cat

[1:58:34] where'd he come from that's the thing nobody knows

[1:58:38] he's a house cat you're gonna have to hand in your badge and gun unless you can turn in this

[1:58:44] A house cat that's been terrorizing the town.

[1:58:47] Uh-oh!

[1:58:47] And the award for baddest dude goes to...

[1:58:51] Ha! The house cat, of course!

[1:58:53] He's a house cat!

[1:59:13] Wow!

Ep. #352 - Black Easter

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