FH Mini 43 - FlopTails Part 1, with Zhubin Parang

[0:00] Life reminds me of a storm here in the doghouse Make a move when it's your turn, get some

[0:16] chili, take buttercup out But don't disrupt the day's events

[0:21] Don't ruin the wedding plans Tear out danger, certain death

[0:26] I'm sure to face you on your quest But don't worry, the Hog Bottom Three

[0:32] Are here to get a bowl of chili Flop dance

[0:37] Everybody's favorite crew in Flop dance

[0:42] Pretend to cutie pie and talk to Stu

[0:46] D-d-d-danny, Lucky Bone Watcher, Elliot is You know when I'm playing Scraps

[0:52] Dancer Silverfur, and me, your boy Stu

[0:56] Everybody's favorite crew in Flop dance

[1:02] Pretend to cutie pie and talk to Stu Flop dance

[1:08] Not ponytails or some kind of bird tail

[1:22] Hello, and welcome to Flop Tales, an actual play RPG podcast. Now normally if you're tuning

[1:34] in, you're probably thinking, what? I don't normally listen to the Flop House. That's

[1:38] not what we're doing tonight, though. We are doing something completely different because

[1:41] it's one of our mini episodes where normally we watch a bad movie and talk about it. Tonight

[1:45] we're going to do whatever the fuck I want. And in fact, we're going to be playing a story

[1:50] ongoing Flop Tales extended universe of tabletop role-playing games that we have recorded and

[1:57] I've forced these guys to play with me. If by chance you enjoy this episode and you want more

[2:03] of this, there are additional episodes found in our bonus feed, which is available to MaxFun

[2:09] supporters. And there's also a couple episodes buried within the Adventure Zone feed because

[2:16] this show kind of started out as a spin-off from the main Adventure Zone. I can't believe you guys

[2:23] sold all the rights to that. That was very silly. Yeah, it was foolish. We just tossed them to the

[2:28] wind. That was foolish, but we're in it for the love and not the money, unfortunately.

[2:32] Although your money... Their crew was keeping the merchandising rights, all those action figures.

[2:38] Yep, all the Hogsbottom 3 action figures. Now, instead of playing Dungeons and Dragons,

[2:45] or our like weird boiled noir game, tonight you will be, and you as in the players,

[2:53] will, yep, you will be taking the role of cartoon barnyard dogs living together

[3:00] on Farmer McAllister's large farm. Now, Stuart, before we start, can we say who are you,

[3:05] by which I mean us, which I mean, oh yeah, yeah, introduce the rest, who are your players today?

[3:11] Yeah, thank you. I'm Stuart Wellington, I'm the Game Master tonight, and I'm joined by

[3:17] Dan McCoy. Hi. Elliot Kalin. Hey. And Xubin Parang. Hi. Hey, guys. Now, I briefly mentioned

[3:26] that you were going to be playing cartoon barnyard dogs. Now, think of it as like Don

[3:30] Bluth animated dogs. You're not like a bunch of goofies. Okay. Does that make sense? I mean,

[3:38] way ahead of you, man. That was immediately what I want. Googling Don Bluth right here to see,

[3:43] and okay, I got it. They're the types of dogs that all go to heaven. Yeah, yeah. So,

[3:50] Stuart, yeah, the tattoo on my belly that says goof life, does that not apply to this?

[3:54] No, but I'm glad you got it. I wasn't expecting you to be able to sit through the whole thing.

[3:58] What was that, a six-hour tattoo? Yeah, well, I did it in two sessions. They did goof first,

[4:02] and people were like, that's a weird tattoo, and I was like, wait till next week, and then they did

[4:05] life in the next one. People were like, oh, I get it now. And then when I went back, and I

[4:12] pulled up my shirt, and I said, what do you think of me now? They were like, what?

[4:18] Put the shirt back down, they say.

[4:36] Now, today on Farmer McAllister's Farm, the farm is a hive of activity, because

[4:49] the farmer's eldest daughter, Rosalyn, is getting married. Oh, wonderful. That's great.

[4:56] We've got to stop it. I mean, we're gonna see. The ceremony and the party are going to be held

[5:02] in the field next to the barn, and the whole town is invited. Now, before we get into exactly

[5:09] what's going on, I think it's time to introduce your characters. Jubin, since you're our guest,

[5:15] why don't you introduce your character first? Sure. My character is Dancer Silverfur. He is a

[5:22] prize-winning level Siberian husky, beautiful, purebred, the gray and white type, except for a

[5:30] streak down his back that is actual silver. It has silver metallic elements in it. It's not clear

[5:39] where it came from, it's not clear how he has it, but he has it. It's a given in this universe.

[5:45] Maybe it's a secret to be discovered somewhere in this episode, maybe future episodes that'll be

[5:50] owned by the Adventure Zone crew. Okay, Dan, who are you going to be playing today?

[5:57] I'm Lucky Bonewatcher, an inquisitive hound. I'm an Afghan. Like most Afghans,

[6:06] I'm sort of a gaunt dog with long fringes of hair, and my hair is sort of a chestnut brown

[6:16] with streaks of gray in it. I love this. Okay, and Elliot, who are you going to be playing today?

[6:22] And of course, you know it, I'm playing Scraps. He's a lovable mutt. He's a terrier,

[6:26] specifically a West Highland white terrier, but you wouldn't know it because he's pretty

[6:32] filthy most of the time. This is a dog that likes to get into scrapes, likes to get into scraps,

[6:36] as his name suggests. So his hair, or fur that is, is pretty thickly matted with dirt and some

[6:42] kinds of mud, but it only makes him that much more lovable. And you know, when you see him

[6:46] coming along, you're like, Scraps, what did you get into this time? Oh no, what kind of troubles

[6:52] he in? There's a weird farm that has these three separate types of dogs on it. I'll tell you that.

[6:58] What does this farm raise again? I mean, it's like a classic farm. So there's like a cornfield.

[7:07] The farmer has no idea what he raises. There's a pasture with cows. There's an apple orchard

[7:15] nearby. Okay, very diversified portfolio. That's good. It's not just one crop. Okay.

[7:20] Yeah, exactly. Okay, so now, no celebration, including this one, would be complete without

[7:26] the Macalester Prize-winning chili. That careful blend of juicy meats, savory spices, and fresh

[7:34] herbs is the star of the county fair. I just want to say, for people following these stories,

[7:40] we've had at least one other chili story before this. Chili is a real threadline through all

[7:47] the motifs in our series. Thank you, I was waiting for somebody to point that out.

[7:53] It's these subtly, subtly designed motifs I put in my games. So in Michael Moorcock's work,

[8:01] he talks about the eternal champion who reverberates throughout time and dimensions

[8:04] with Seward, it's the eternal chili, which appears in all dimensions in some form.

[8:09] Exactly. Let's hope this one doesn't turn you into a lava zombie. So,

[8:13] uh, unfortunately, this delicious chili is not for dogs. But ever since you were a puppy,

[8:21] you'd heard legends of the time that Bruiser, rest in peace, was given a bowl of chili as a reward.

[8:27] Now this might be your chance to get some. However, to make matters worse, earlier this week,

[8:34] you bumped into Buttercup, Widow Stove Kettle's companion dog, and you may have promised that you

[8:40] would score some of this delicious chili for her. And if you play your cards right, maybe you'll

[8:45] get a date in the bargain. Wait, all three of us with Buttercup? My exact question. Thank you.

[8:51] Thank you, Silver Dog. My exact question. Well, I mean, that's, that's up to you. I, uh, it could

[8:59] just be one of you or... It's up to Buttercup, Stewart. Yeah, it's up to Buttercup. Let's be

[9:03] honest here. I mean, I like to think that your chances of getting a date exists entirely in

[9:08] your mind as opposed to any kind of reality, but we'll see. Um, okay. And, uh, but thank you for,

[9:15] for bringing that up, Dan. Um, and if this was not all, the farmer's youngest daughter, Lizzie May,

[9:22] has to get ready for the wedding. So that means that her favorite kitten, Cutie Pie,

[9:28] has been left in the barn with you. So, so that Cutie Pie wouldn't be a distraction. However,

[9:35] if anything were to happen to this danger-prone feline, Lizzie May would be beside herself.

[9:43] So your mission... I'm gonna get the chili if that happens. Sort of a three dog stooges

[9:48] situation. Yeah, somehow my Adam Warlock explainer was less complicated than,

[9:53] than, than the barnyard cast of characters.

[9:57] Uh, so, uh, your mission, of course...

[10:00] First, you need to get some of that chili,

[10:02] you need to keep Cutie Pie from getting killed,

[10:05] and you need to not cause too much trouble.

[10:09] Now, the way you're going to do that is,

[10:11] anytime you're gonna try and do something

[10:13] that might be challenging in any way,

[10:15] you're gonna need to roll two six-sided dice.

[10:18] If you roll a five or six on either of the dice,

[10:20] you succeed.

[10:21] If you do not, you may still succeed,

[10:24] but there could be consequences,

[10:25] like a bodily harm, or you might generate heat.

[10:30] Heat is kind of a representation of the chaos

[10:35] that is being caused around the farm by you guys.

[10:38] If your heat score, which currently starts at zero,

[10:41] but if it ever reaches 10, the scenario is over

[10:44] and you have ruined the wedding.

[10:45] Now, if you ever attempt a task

[10:50] that matches one of your traits,

[10:52] I think you have them listed before you,

[10:54] you can roll that number of dice instead.

[10:57] Be creative, and you also all start the game

[11:00] with one good boy point each.

[11:03] You can spend a good boy point to roll an additional die

[11:06] when you attempt a task.

[11:08] Certain actions may result

[11:09] in you earning additional good boy points.

[11:12] One of those good boy points.

[11:14] So, it is right about noon o'clock.

[11:19] It's a lovely September Saturday.

[11:23] The farm is bustling.

[11:25] There are workers and carts coming up from the main road,

[11:29] bearing tables and benches and supplies for the party.

[11:36] The guests are going to be arriving soon.

[11:39] Farmer McAllister is already in his cups

[11:42] and smoking cigars with some of his friends

[11:45] over by the entrance to the field.

[11:49] And looking out of the door from the barn,

[11:51] you can see the farmhouse,

[11:53] a farmhouse where dogs are not allowed inside,

[11:56] except for, that's right, Captain, the old bulldog

[12:00] who guards the front porch.

[12:03] Wow, Captain Bruiser, there's a real old generation

[12:06] here of dogs that we do not have access with.

[12:11] So, what's the plan?

[12:14] All right, guys, here's my idea for a plan, right?

[12:17] It's very clear that it's our job

[12:19] to take care of Cutie Pie, right?

[12:22] We've been told that, yeah.

[12:23] Right?

[12:24] If we make it look like she was in danger

[12:28] before we rescued her,

[12:30] then that's gonna get us some chili.

[12:33] So, I suggest we simulate some sort of accident

[12:37] that we saved her from.

[12:39] Maybe we, I don't know, like dunk her in water

[12:42] and then tell them we saved her from drowning in the river.

[12:45] So, maybe we-

[12:48] Let me, I just wanna make sure I get this right.

[12:50] So, we've been explicitly tasked

[12:53] with keeping Cutie Pie safe.

[12:55] Your plan is to endanger Cutie Pie, then save her.

[13:00] In the controlled bounds of us saving her, yes.

[13:02] To simulate a danger that we saved her from

[13:06] and therefore deserve possibly good boy points,

[13:08] possibly chili.

[13:10] And then, I guess the scenario where either

[13:13] we all go on a date with Buttercup

[13:15] or each of us individually gets a chance

[13:17] in a Bachelorette-style competition.

[13:20] A single litter can have multiple fathers.

[13:22] So, it's not-

[13:23] Is that true?

[13:24] Yes.

[13:25] So, dogs, it can happen.

[13:27] Okay, you know what?

[13:28] There's something in the back of my terrier mind

[13:32] that says, this is probably not a great idea.

[13:33] But on the other hand, scraps can't turn away from a scrap.

[13:37] So, I'm kind of, I'm a little curious.

[13:40] I think this might be the way to go.

[13:42] Or at the very least, we can see what happens.

[13:44] Worst case scenario, I hop a boxcar

[13:46] and I find another farm to live at.

[13:47] I've done it before.

[13:48] I can do it again.

[13:49] You have a real escape plan for a dog.

[13:51] Yeah, yeah.

[13:52] He's got a book of matches just ready

[13:55] to light the hayloft on fire.

[13:57] It's not his first farm.

[13:58] We can't listen to farms, it's not your first one.

[14:00] There's no doggy bridge I'm not afraid of burning

[14:02] on my way out.

[14:03] So, but what do you think, Dog Watcher?

[14:06] What was your name?

[14:08] Lucky Bone Watcher.

[14:10] Let me write these down.

[14:12] And I'm Dancer Silverfur, if you guys forgot that.

[14:15] And you know me, I'm Scraps.

[14:17] Yeah, well, you know, stepping outside the game

[14:21] for a moment, I have a cold.

[14:23] So, I'm gonna be bringing that energy tonight.

[14:26] You know, that sort of, that loopy cold medicine energy.

[14:30] So, I don't know about this scheme.

[14:35] And yet, you're like, I'm gonna bring this loopy,

[14:37] crazy, wacky, cold energy.

[14:39] Guys, I don't want us to do anything too nuts.

[14:41] Wait a minute, Dan.

[14:43] This is the time to do it.

[14:44] This is the time to do it.

[14:44] You're hopped up on Diamond Tap, come on.

[14:47] This seems like a bad idea.

[14:49] I wanna, I just wanna, I wanna lay by the hearth

[14:54] and cock an eyebrow at things once in a while.

[14:57] That's my dream.

[14:59] Yeah, but that's not gonna get us any chili.

[15:01] Are we in a barn?

[15:03] We're in the barn, right?

[15:04] Yeah, yeah, you guys are in the barn.

[15:05] You're not allowed to say that.

[15:06] No, no, I know, in general.

[15:07] There's no hearth in the barn.

[15:08] Here's what we're gonna do.

[15:09] Here's what we're gonna do.

[15:10] It's a hearthless barn.

[15:12] That goes without saying.

[15:14] There's a hearth in our heart.

[15:15] Here's what we should do.

[15:16] Is there a second floor in this barn, like a hayloft?

[15:18] Absolutely, there is a hayloft, of course.

[15:20] Great, and I assume there's a window

[15:23] at the top of this hayloft,

[15:24] some sort of thing to create a draft,

[15:26] keep things dry, ventilation.

[15:27] Yeah, yeah, do you guys all go up to the hayloft?

[15:29] I suggest we throw Cutie Pie out of the second story window

[15:35] but with a bunch of hay at the bottom

[15:37] so she lands on the hay.

[15:39] We tell everyone we broke her fall

[15:42] and then we get the chili.

[15:44] Okay, here's why I'm gonna say that's a bad idea.

[15:46] Not because we shouldn't throw Cutie Pie out a window

[15:48] but because cats always land on their feet.

[15:51] Everyone knows that.

[15:52] We're not gonna get any credit for saving her.

[15:53] Her natural feet skills are gonna give her that credit.

[15:55] So let's not do that.

[15:56] On the other hand, what other ways might we get some chili

[15:59] other than endangering Cutie Pie?

[16:01] Is there, are there any?

[16:02] No, I do like the idea of using the tools

[16:05] that you have available.

[16:06] That's true.

[16:07] Do we know of any jobs that need to be done

[16:09] around the farm that are doggable?

[16:11] I mean, I think it's tough.

[16:13] At this point, there's not a lot of farm jobs going on.

[16:17] It's a lot of set up for the wedding.

[16:19] I think we've been handed our job

[16:21] which is to look after Cutie Pie.

[16:25] Here's my suggestion.

[16:26] Here's my suggestion,

[16:27] which is not to throw Cutie Pie out of the hayloft

[16:29] but to instead, you, Scraps, you run out.

[16:34] My suggestion is to mimic it.

[16:36] So for example, Scraps, you run out to everyone and say,

[16:38] oh no, Cutie Pie is falling from the top of the hayloft.

[16:42] Then when everyone turns, I, through barks,

[16:46] when everyone turns to see what's happened,

[16:48] I, having walked out with Cutie Pie in her nape,

[16:52] in my mouth, will throw her off and then catch her

[16:56] to look like, as everyone turns,

[16:58] I've caught her on her descent from the second story window

[17:01] and boom, here comes Buttercup, maybe with Chip.

[17:04] All right.

[17:05] Now that's something, huh?

[17:06] This is the closest to a scheme that I can back

[17:09] because there's no actual danger towards the cats.

[17:13] I'm not saying no to the fake endangering Cutie Pie scheme

[17:18] yet, but I'm wondering though, okay, it's a wedding.

[17:21] Guys, what do people love at weddings?

[17:23] Cute stuff.

[17:24] What are we?

[17:25] We're dogs.

[17:26] Let's see if there's some bow ties we can put on.

[17:29] Go out there during the reception, beg for some chili.

[17:32] People are like, oh, look at that cute dog.

[17:34] You know what?

[17:35] I'm gonna slip him some chili.

[17:36] We get some to taste.

[17:37] We put some in our mouths.

[17:38] We spit it into Buttercup's mouth when we see her

[17:43] so she can have some.

[17:44] And then we're all just gonna poop our brains out

[17:46] because we're dogs eating chili.

[17:47] And we just have to do that a certain distance

[17:49] from the reception.

[17:50] Hopefully not during our dates.

[17:52] So now here's not, so that's our alternative plans

[17:54] are either to fake a Cutie Pie escapade

[17:57] or to see if we can cute ourselves up

[17:59] so we can get some chili from the guests.

[18:02] What do you guys think?

[18:02] Your plan here is to roam the farmhouse looking

[18:04] for bow ties that fit us as dogs?

[18:07] Hey, look.

[18:09] With these magical bow ties,

[18:11] should they even exist in the farmhouse?

[18:12] How are we supposed to put them on?

[18:14] We're dogs.

[18:14] Okay, I'm blue-skying, but you're right.

[18:16] That's a good question.

[18:16] We don't have hands.

[18:17] I was kind of hoping that they would be hanging from nails

[18:20] and we'd just be able to kind of like put our heads

[18:22] through the loop and just stick them on that way.

[18:24] Sure, yeah.

[18:24] Knock them on the ground and roll them.

[18:26] Two of us can do the simulate Cutie Pies near death

[18:29] while the third use that as a distraction

[18:32] and hides it to the farmhouse to look

[18:34] for these magical already tied looped dog bow ties.

[18:38] I mean, a lot of bow ties are already tied.

[18:41] People get the pre-tied bow ties

[18:42] and I know that because I'm a dog.

[18:43] I mean, I don't want to sound classist here,

[18:45] but probably Farmer Callister is probably the kind of guy

[18:47] who clips on, am I right?

[18:49] Almost certainly, yes.

[18:51] I mean, he's probably gonna wear overalls

[18:53] with a clip-on bow tie to the wedding, so.

[18:55] While you are having this in-depth meeting

[19:01] of the minds, you notice that Cutie Pie has left

[19:07] the stall that you are hunched over in

[19:11] and is now walking out out of the barn

[19:14] and into the path of Sweetfoot, the draft horse.

[19:18] Oh no.

[19:19] Oh no.

[19:20] What an ironic name for a horse.

[19:21] Those feet are not sweet.

[19:22] Okay, so which one of us is gonna run out

[19:25] and try to finish it all right?

[19:26] I'm gonna, hey, look, I'm gonna try and run out

[19:29] and grab her by the nape of her neck.

[19:31] The scruff.

[19:32] The scruff, such as her mother would

[19:35] to rescue her from being trampled.

[19:38] Okay.

[19:39] Do you have a trait that would make that easier for you?

[19:42] I don't.

[19:43] I guess if one of you has that.

[19:45] I have a scamper, which could probably help me

[19:47] get over there fast enough to do it.

[19:50] Because I just have to-

[19:51] Maybe you should do it.

[19:51] Yes.

[19:52] I just have to drag it away.

[19:53] What about you, Silver Fur?

[19:55] Silver Fur.

[19:56] As you can see from this metallic streak of silver

[19:58] that goes down my back.

[20:00] Who knows why it's there. It's a mystery or is I thought my job around?

[20:03] I assumed you had laid down for a nap on a wet flagpole and now if you thought you were a skunk who was chasing

[20:11] Possibly but I won't tell you possibly I have purebred I have stubborn and scrapper

[20:16] So none of those are I think this I think you should do it. I'll do scamper. I'll scamper over to

[20:23] To cutie pie and try to get her out and try to pull her from Sweetfoot's path

[20:27] Okay

[20:30] I'm running behind scraps shouting. Oh, no cutie pie who might be trampled by the horse. So maybe we can maybe simulate this

[20:45] Get people talking just to make it pretty clear. Yeah for for the rules of this universe

[20:51] Animals can talk to each other

[20:54] Animals can understand humans humans cannot understand animals, but can humans talk to each other?

[21:00] Yeah, you can tell what you get. Wait, you can talk to other animals. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah talk to each other in this world

[21:08] Like the same rules that govern the world of housebroken coming back to Fox next year

[21:13] It was it's available on Hulu now housebroken written by me. Yeah, maybe I was inspired by something written by

[21:20] Yeah, and so I'm gonna scamper over this according my character sheet, that's 3d sixes

[21:25] Okay, so you got a roll three six sided dice. Do you want to use your good boys point?

[21:30] Now, what do you guys think? I'll let it ride

[21:33] Let it ride. I might need it later. I don't know if 50-50 odds really isn't really what applies here, but

[21:41] I'm running behind barking drawing attention to the horse. Okay, I've got two fours and a one

[21:46] Oh

[21:48] Okay might succeed maybe I just get a hoof to the head

[21:52] Okay, so you run after cutie pie you dive and catch her rolling over in a pile of dust. It's okay

[21:59] I'm very dirty already dancers shouting alerts sweet foot who rears up and

[22:06] Up ends the cart that she's dragging causing all kinds of chaos that adds one

[22:13] That's one to your heat score

[22:17] And

[22:18] Some of the workmen start shouting

[22:21] What are they shouting get out of here dogs? Oh, they're just like hey, oh no calm down sweet foot

[22:30] Do you sometimes wonder whatever happened to the kids at your school who really loved Star Trek

[22:34] You might remember a kid like me the one who read the Star Trek novels and built Starship models

[22:39] I also took music classes to avoid taking gym classes that required showering after but I don't see what that really has to do or

[22:46] A kid like me. I introduced myself to kids at my summer camp one year as Wesley

[22:50] But when the school year started and some of those kids were in my new class

[22:53] I actually had to explain to my friends that I had tried to take on the identity of my favorite Star Trek character

[22:59] The shame haunts me to this day

[23:01] I'm sure some of those Star Trek fans from your childhood grew up to have interesting and productive lives

[23:07] But we ended up being podcasters on the greatest discovery

[23:11] You'll hear what happens to two lifelong Star Trek fans who didn't grow up to be great people

[23:16] It just grew up to be people who love jokes as much as they love Trek season 4 of Star Trek discovery is here

[23:22] So listen to our new episodes every week on maximum fun org or wherever you get your podcasts

[23:30] Hi, it's Jesse Thorne the founder of maximum fun

[23:33] It's the Thanksgiving season and I want to take this opportunity to thank you the members of maximum fun

[23:40] This max fun drive your generosity and your love of pins

[23:44] Helped us raise over

[23:47] $90,000 to help bridge the digital divide

[23:50] Families without internet access struggle to do things that the rest of us might take for granted

[23:56] Especially during kovat going to school applying for jobs

[24:00] Fighting medical care your donations help the nonprofit

[24:05] Everyone on they provide equipment services and training to get people online so they can access opportunity

[24:12] You can find out more about the great work everyone on does at everyone on

[24:18] org

[24:19] Thanks for supporting maximum fun. Thanks for supporting everyone on and thanks for being awesome people who want to do good in the world

[24:31] The flophouse is sponsored in part by Squarespace with Squarespace

[24:35] You can turn your cool idea into a new website blog or publish content

[24:40] Sell products and services of all kinds and more

[24:44] Squarespace does this by giving you beautiful?

[24:47] customizable templates created by world-class designers with everything optimized for mobile right out of the box a new way to buy

[24:55] Domains and choose from over 200 extensions and free and secure hosting

[25:01] head to

[25:02] Squarespace

[25:03] comm slash flop for a free trial and when you're ready to launch use the offer code flop to save 10% off

[25:11] your first purchase of a website or

[25:15] Domain this episode. We also have a j-j-j-j-jumbo tron

[25:19] That's right. And it's a message for

[25:22] The super Mikey the messages from Sarah the head nerd

[25:28] Surprise, Mikey. It's me. You are the lion in winter to my sneakers. Merry festivus nerd

[25:36] Very sweet and now back to the show

[25:42] I have another trait right here. That's that's described as can't stay mad at you

[25:47] Do you think that we were doing that now guys to try to win over the workmen?

[25:50] Maybe that would lower the heat a little bit. What do you think?

[25:53] Yeah, let's do it. I don't know how this mechanics work. So sure it's

[25:58] Yeah, how are you gonna do it?

[26:00] How many times I can do these things in reaction to each situation? Yeah, okay

[26:05] So I'm gonna do the same thing twice in a row base. Okay, so what I'm gonna do is I'm going to

[26:10] Start nuzzling cutie pie and it's gonna look like kind of like adorable animal friends like oh look at these

[26:16] unusual animal friends a dog a scruffy old dog and a little cutie cat and in the hopes that that will

[26:22] Smooth things out with them because they'll be like, oh, well, that's sweet. You know what? I'm not mad anymore. I'll just

[26:27] Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah

[26:29] So I'm rolling for can't stay mad at you. Let's see 3d 6 do it. Okay a 5 nice. Oh

[26:36] Heck yeah

[26:38] So you reduce the heat back down to 0? Oh, no, he's mad at you one more and you earn a good boy point for your

[26:45] Trouble. Oh, wow. This is what a total reversal of fortune here. Very nice. Yeah. Hey, they literally can't stay mad at me

[26:53] This is where I start lecturing to the others now good boy points in my cosmology cannot be awarded by humans

[27:00] They are

[27:02] bestowed upon us by a creator

[27:05] The human thing but but scraps has got the good boy point

[27:11] Yeah, I mean it's it's a practical reality I understand it doesn't fit in your your religious worldview but like it happened

[27:17] I don't know. I don't know what to tell you anyway

[27:21] Points of this world when the points of the next I mean, is there chili in the next world?

[27:27] I don't know. So I'm focused on this world right now cutie pie

[27:29] Yeah, we're living for today and I say cutie pie, please do not run off like that. Like we're worried about you

[27:34] We got it. We got to keep you safe. That's our job

[27:36] What if you fill out that second-story window of the hayloft?

[27:39] disaster would be unless

[27:42] Yeah, cutie pie gives you a look of complete and total innocence like who me and then starts wandering off again

[27:51] What?

[27:54] Okay guys close to cutie pie, I mean we're certainly not gonna get put chili if this cat dies

[27:59] I do like the idea of one of us going to the farmhouse and trying to see if there's a way we can

[28:05] We can cutify ourselves. Maybe we'll see some kind of danger. We can avoid

[28:09] Interesting it received

[28:11] Nothing, but but but attacks nothing but slander in Columbia when I'm a collaborator

[28:17] I was not I I don't see anybody trying to pursue my idea, but I'm willing to take all their ideas

[28:22] Nobody will say that silver for isn't a team player. We kind of just did your idea and as my mouth

[28:28] Let me open up so you can see at nope no chili in there just a regular dog tongue

[28:32] No, because of your failure when I getting chili is the chili being prepared right now

[28:37] Yeah, the chili is being prepared right now. You can smell it. It's coming from the kitchen. Yeah

[28:43] Heard cutie pie toward the smell of the yeah easily. Okay. So yeah, let's do it. Let's head towards the chili

[28:49] It's very yeah, this isn't famously easy to hurt a cat. So let's do that

[28:52] So

[28:56] You guys are you guys gonna try and sneak around to the back of the house

[28:59] Are you gonna try and sneak in through the front?

[29:02] I think we should probably try to go around the back rather than walking through the house where people are getting ready for the wedding

[29:07] Right. Yeah, I'm imagining this is like the house and meet me and say Louie where the kitchen is in the back

[29:11] There's a back door to it

[29:14] Space beneath the house that we can use. Well, there's yeah, there's a there's a storm cellar underneath the house

[29:20] Yeah, we could try going there or a root cellar and there's a there's a wraparound porch where?

[29:27] Captain is patrolling to make sure no other dogs try and get in the house, but he knows that we owe

[29:33] Include us even though we live here

[29:35] Yes, he's the only dog allowed in the house. He's a stickler for the rules who let the dogs in someone. I hope man

[29:43] We'll find out I'll say what I can do. I'm I both purebred and stubborn traits

[29:47] I can confront him and say that I should be the one allowed in the house

[29:50] And while I'm doing that you guys can sneak around and get inside the inside the kitchen. I love this. Okay

[29:57] What do you guys think? Let's try it. Yeah

[30:00] We'll bring Cutie Pie along and yeah, you do that.

[30:03] You take his attention.

[30:06] So you march in past the gates of the fence

[30:11] that lead up to the house.

[30:13] You can hear Farmer McAllister laughing loudly

[30:17] and at some terrible joke somebody told him

[30:20] and he keeps slapping the shoulder of his son-in-law to be.

[30:26] Pauly Shore.

[30:27] If only it was Pauly Shore.

[30:30] That would be great.

[30:31] But no, it's, what is his name here?

[30:34] Oh, Philip Beasley.

[30:36] He's a meek, he looks like every animated boy.

[30:42] Like a Ratatouille or a How to Train Your Dragon type fella.

[30:46] The kind that women in the movies

[30:47] eventually find irresistible

[30:48] even though they're incompetence most of the time.

[30:51] I don't know, I mean, he's voiced by Jay Baruchel

[30:54] so you know people are gonna like him.

[30:57] I mean, he's proving he can get someone

[30:59] who's out of his league.

[31:00] That's true, that movie is proof, canonical proof.

[31:04] So.

[31:05] In the Barucheliverse.

[31:07] Dancer, you go marching up to Captain,

[31:08] what's your play here, what's your argument?

[31:10] I quickly preen myself in the mirror

[31:13] of what I assume is probably some rusted pickup truck

[31:18] out in the driveway and I walk up to the Captain.

[31:21] This is the most Coastal Elite episode

[31:23] I think we've ever done of anything.

[31:24] No, absolutely.

[31:25] This is very much in keeping with my purebred character,

[31:29] I'll tell you.

[31:30] Yes, that's true.

[31:31] Not since the Hillbilly Elegy episode of The Flop House

[31:33] has our coastal and classist assumptions been on display.

[31:38] But okay, yeah, you groom yourself

[31:40] in the mirror of a busted old truck.

[31:43] Yep, you slick your hair back, you pull out a comb.

[31:45] Yes, and before I announce my run for Senate,

[31:49] but what is the Captain's, what's his breed?

[31:54] He's an old English Bulldog.

[31:57] He's an old English Bulldog.

[31:59] Yeah.

[32:00] So I walk up to him.

[32:01] Yeah, he's got a couple of medals,

[32:05] he's got a monocle, you know.

[32:07] Sure, sure.

[32:08] Yeah, a little bowler hat, yeah, yeah.

[32:09] Yeah.

[32:11] So I just walk up to him and I tell him like,

[32:13] hey, Captain, maybe stop breathing for a couple of minutes

[32:16] so the audible noise of your labored breaths

[32:20] can be quiet for a minute for me to tell you

[32:22] that you should not be that house dog.

[32:26] I am deserving to be the house dog, look at me.

[32:28] I have actual metal on my back.

[32:32] I have an actual precious metal on my back.

[32:34] Get the hell out of here, it's my horse.

[32:37] So while this is happening,

[32:40] are we like trying to like sneak in on tiptoes

[32:43] with like xylophone sounds or?

[32:45] Yeah, are you trying to sneak in the front

[32:47] or are you trying to sneak around the back of the house?

[32:49] I intercepted the Captain

[32:51] while he was on the side of the house

[32:52] going around the wraparound floor.

[32:53] So you guys go through the back entrance.

[32:55] Yeah, let's go through the back, yeah.

[32:57] Okay, so Captain is like,

[33:00] oh, well, I never, on the day of the wedding,

[33:04] why are you coming to me with this kind of bullshit?

[33:05] More than six inches tall?

[33:08] I'm just roasting this guy.

[33:09] Yeah, you're shredding him and he's like,

[33:12] you can see he's getting redder and redder in the face.

[33:14] He doesn't know what's going on.

[33:16] Why don't you, why don't you give me a roll for purebred

[33:20] to see if you're getting,

[33:22] because I'm assuming you're using your breed

[33:25] as a way to, your natural blue blood.

[33:28] Yeah, I was gonna use stubborn,

[33:30] but I can, which gives me a bit more.

[33:32] I get 4d6 instead of 3d6.

[33:35] Okay, yeah, you can get.

[33:36] Are you just being an asshole

[33:38] and not listening to his arguments

[33:40] or are you just showing off how great you are?

[33:43] Because it gives me more chances.

[33:45] I feel like I want to show, I want to just be an asshole.

[33:48] So I'm being stubborn.

[33:49] Okay, so why don't you roll,

[33:50] why don't you roll your stubborn dice?

[33:51] Do you have some dice?

[33:53] I have a random.org dice roller on my computer.

[33:57] Oh, that's great.

[33:59] So roll it.

[34:00] I'll just add the dice sounds, I guess.

[34:02] Rattly, rattly, rattly, rattly, dice, dice, dice.

[34:04] Okay, so I got a two, a three, a two, and a four.

[34:08] Wow.

[34:08] Oh no.

[34:09] So you guys turn into a dust cloud

[34:13] with fists sticking out of it.

[34:15] You guys start rolling around and fighting.

[34:17] Oh no.

[34:18] That's going to add two heat.

[34:20] Oh no.

[34:21] Because Farmer McAllister has to send farm hands over

[34:23] to split you two up from your fight.

[34:26] Okay, meanwhile, over on the side of the house,

[34:29] the two of you and Cutie Pie are sneaking around the side.

[34:33] There's the back door.

[34:34] You can also see there's a window to the kitchen

[34:36] that is open and there are delicious smells wafting out.

[34:40] And the back door is propped open

[34:43] and there are workers, cousins, et cetera,

[34:49] going in and out, carrying bouquets and napkins

[34:53] and trays of bread and things like that.

[34:57] Now, is it possible in this world

[34:59] for us to smell the delicious smells

[35:01] and then let them lift us up and carry us

[35:03] in through the window like in a cartoon?

[35:07] Well, that would be, yeah.

[35:08] I mean, you can attempt it.

[35:11] I don't know what I would roll to attempt

[35:14] smell transportation.

[35:15] I don't think one of your traits would cover that,

[35:17] but you can roll two dice and hope you roll a five or six.

[35:20] Good boy points can be spent.

[35:22] I'm going to try just the two dice.

[35:25] It seems unlikely that the smell would literally

[35:27] lift us bodily into the kitchen, but who knows?

[35:30] Do you want to spend a good boy point for this one?

[35:31] No, I want to hold on to that good boy point for a moment.

[35:34] Okay.

[35:34] Five and a three, yep.

[35:35] Oh wow.

[35:37] So Scraps goes, you smell the delicious chili

[35:41] and oh man, your ears stand on that.

[35:42] You can describe it.

[35:43] What does it look like when this happens?

[35:46] So the chili is like a wafting aroma

[35:51] that comes towards me and then it turns

[35:52] into a beckoning finger that is going,

[35:55] here, come this way, come this way.

[35:57] And I smell it and the finger from the beckoning hand

[36:01] sticks me in the nose and yeah, my ears go up

[36:05] and my eyes go bug-eyed.

[36:07] I'm just like, my mouth opens up, tongue rolls out,

[36:10] saliva everywhere, tongue rolls back in

[36:12] and then the finger picks me up by the nose.

[36:14] It's kind of painful actually and lifts me up

[36:16] and pulls me in through the window into the kitchen

[36:20] and deposits me, it deposits me on a counter

[36:23] behind a big cookie jar shaped like a terrier.

[36:25] And while that happens, I turn to Cutie Pie

[36:30] and I say, that's the most baffling thing

[36:32] that I've seen involving a terrier

[36:35] since the ad campaign for Terriers,

[36:39] a show about detectives that was advertised

[36:42] almost completely with dogs.

[36:44] No one watched it, good show though.

[36:49] Cutie Pie, not a big fan of Donna Logue,

[36:51] so it was silent this whole time.

[36:54] Yeah, so what do you, do you chase after?

[36:56] Do you also get dragged along by the smell?

[36:59] What's up?

[37:00] Me?

[37:01] Yeah.

[37:02] Yeah, I see it and I pick Cutie Pie up

[37:05] by the scruff of her neck and I say,

[37:08] oh, I'll see, I wanna see if that works for me too.

[37:13] Okay.

[37:13] Good scruff acting.

[37:15] Do you have a trait that would work

[37:16] or do you just wanna roll two dice?

[37:20] What is strange coincidence?

[37:23] What do you want strange coincidence to be?

[37:24] It feels like that would work for this maybe.

[37:26] That feels the only thing that would work for this.

[37:29] Yeah, I mean, it certainly would be a strange coincidence

[37:32] if I could also do this floating thing.

[37:36] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[37:36] So let's see what I, I have two fives.

[37:41] Wow, you did a great job.

[37:43] Describe how you get into the kitchen.

[37:46] Yeah, the smell wafts towards me

[37:50] and then it briefly undulates like a snake in front of me

[37:56] and with some stereotypical

[38:01] and canceled snake charmer music

[38:04] that Leonard Maltin would have to appear

[38:06] in front of the cartoon to tell us to disregard.

[38:09] And then it just turns into the smoke,

[38:12] turns into like an escalator

[38:14] that I ride up through the window.

[38:16] Oh, that's lovely.

[38:17] Oh, wow.

[38:19] How does your religion explain this?

[38:21] Lucky?

[38:23] Are you carrying Cutie Pie?

[38:25] Is Cutie Pie just walking along with you?

[38:26] No, I have her in my teeth.

[38:30] Oh, that's adorable.

[38:32] And does the smell also deposit you on the counter

[38:35] next to the terrier shaped cookie jar?

[38:42] Well, because this is a strange coincidence,

[38:44] there's also an Afghan shaped cookie jar

[38:47] that deposits me next to it.

[38:50] You land next to Scraps

[38:54] and Cutie Pie lands on her little butt

[38:57] and goes like sliding down the counter

[39:02] as you would imagine, the kitchen is very full.

[39:04] There's a stream of cousins, aunts,

[39:08] I mean, aunts, sorry, and other maids coming in and out.

[39:14] And you can see-

[39:15] On the McAllister farm, it's probably aunts.

[39:17] Yeah.

[39:19] Over in the corner, you see on the big wood burning stove,

[39:23] there is a massive pot of bubbling chili.

[39:28] Oh, that is where the smell is coming from.

[39:32] You cannot wait.

[39:33] There's also trays of biscuits, pies,

[39:37] cobs of corn, all sorts of goodies.

[39:40] Obviously your eyes are only on the prize of chili.

[39:44] Cutie Pie goes sliding down the counter

[39:46] and you can see Cutie Pie is about to go right in the path

[39:50] of what looks like a large stack of plates

[39:54] is starting to wobble and tip

[39:56] as if somebody has pushed those plates on top.

[40:00] uh... like like they're trying to knock the uh... plates on top of the

[40:04] why would they do what do you do

[40:06] uh... i mean i can scan for again to to pull out of the way those plates and

[40:10] try to push him back up again

[40:11] uh... today you're gonna leave your you're gonna leave your uh... your cover

[40:15] have got i mean i've got my couldn't and how is it going to help us to do that

[40:19] if cutie pie not a bunch of plates over you know how

[40:22] and this of course you she'll take the blame for it no way because we're

[40:26] supposed to defend it was also it's it's our job to keep rid of trouble in the

[40:29] uh... lucky at what do you have any traits that could be used for this

[40:31] anything like telekinetic catpole or something like that

[40:34] uh... other than strange coincidence i have curious and unaffected which

[40:40] uh... i'm not

[40:41] clearly exclusive

[40:43] uh...

[40:44] to be quite a bit

[40:45] so you know i'll still scamper over again and i'll i'll try that

[40:49] puller out of the way but also pushing the plates back up

[40:52] so they don't fall okay

[40:53] it's like a i'll run over that's like a spin move like

[40:56] was sure that i would like and with my choice like put the plates back up

[40:59] mhm uh... okay so i'll roll this three d six

[41:02] for scamper

[41:04] oh boy i wonder if i should use a good point out that what point on this what

[41:06] do you guys think

[41:09] now we're fifty-fifty as do it

[41:10] so i don't think it's fifty-fifty i don't know yet

[41:13] i don't know what you're getting this as yet

[41:15] two fours and a two

[41:17] uh... i don't know about those plates go everywhere we are having another

[41:23] uh... another point of heat you are now at now we're gonna have two points of

[41:27] heat haha now we're at four four that's not good

[41:30] and the plates go the

[41:32] plates go splat uh... scattering across the the floor they shatter

[41:37] and you can see

[41:38] running away from

[41:39] where the uh... from behind the plates is tabitha

[41:43] the uh... the what's the tortoiseshell old cranky cat that is mad that

[41:49] cutie pie gets all the attention and love and pets are at this farm

[41:54] and also tabitha is literally the old cat from house broken that is

[41:57] jealous of the younger cat that's getting all the attention in her family

[42:02] so i guess what i'm saying is you've got a copyright infringement thing on your

[42:04] hand this one

[42:07] uh... not plagiarism if it's an homage

[42:10] so out in the yard

[42:12] captain and dancer have been separated

[42:16] what's the plan here what's your plan

[42:19] yeah

[42:20] jubin what's your plan you're out in the front yard

[42:24] i'm having my blood sprayed on that window as we're talking right like as

[42:27] these guys are inside the fridge

[42:29] wait what

[42:31] i'm in a fight with the captain they pulled the two of you apart

[42:37] oh so i am just i'm outside right now when stewart said pulled you apart he

[42:41] didn't mean literally tore your body apart like he meant they pulled you from

[42:45] yeah like you opened yeah you opened the lament configuration and the sunlight showed up

[42:50] i thought this was all happening simultaneously i thought i was in the middle of the fight

[42:54] now i'm going over to you to give you a chance to do something

[42:58] so it's not just your friends having all the fun

[43:00] that's part of the great thing about role playing games is passing the spotlight

[43:04] so now the spotlight is on the front yard

[43:07] you and captain have been separated captain is

[43:10] going back to uh... guarding the front of the house although he

[43:16] you know he he lost a little bit of face with the farmer there

[43:20] and that's a phrase jubin he doesn't he doesn't he doesn't mean captain lost some

[43:23] of his face

[43:24] no yeah that's another turn of phrase after that fight we both did after that fight we were both a

[43:29] little uh... little less of face

[43:31] this actually supports my long-term plan to eventually become the dog that's allowed

[43:34] inside so this isn't so bad for me

[43:37] uh... if

[43:39] okay if they're if they are uh...

[43:42] if the heat is is is this high

[43:44] uh... i'm going to uh...

[43:47] i'm going to uh... look around

[43:49] and see if there is uh... anybody

[43:53] uh... at the farm who is uh... who looks like they're in uh... distress or looks

[43:58] like they might need help

[44:00] sure

[44:01] i'm gonna see if i can like find some way to help them

[44:06] uh... yeah so there's uh... a pair there's a baker walking up

[44:11] and he is being helped by one of his assistants they're carrying a large

[44:15] wedding cake that is on a piece on like a large metal platter

[44:20] and the cake is is you know it's it's heavy and it's windy

[44:24] and it's starting to like tip a little bit

[44:26] okay alright

[44:27] here's what i'm gonna do

[44:28] using my purebred traits

[44:30] i'm going to uh... run up to the uh...

[44:35] to the uh... baker and his assistants

[44:38] and i'm going to set a pace for them

[44:40] walking in a way that will stabilize

[44:43] the uh... cake and allow them to safely return it to the uh... farmhouse

[44:49] okay yeah yeah yeah

[44:50] i'm gonna use all my show dog skills

[44:53] uh... so why don't you give me a roll for that

[44:57] now this is 3d6

[44:59] i'm gonna use my good boy point because i think failing this will be disastrous

[45:04] so i'm going to roll four dice

[45:07] knocking over the wedding cake might be bad

[45:09] it's hard for me to find a path from knocking over the wedding cake to chili

[45:14] yes

[45:15] so i'm going to run over to them and i'm going to walk in front of them

[45:19] at a pace that uh... alleviates the frequency with which they are walking

[45:22] right now that is affecting this cake so dramatically

[45:25] and it is going to be

[45:28] uh... two fives

[45:30] oh cool okay so describe what what happens

[45:34] you like guide them to the cake

[45:38] to the place with the light table

[45:41] the sun glinting off my fur

[45:43] provides a perfect steady metronome for them as they walk and as they walk in

[45:47] pace with me the cake slowly begins to stop

[45:50] because it's just irregular enough to stop it from beginning to uh... to be

[45:54] amplified

[45:55] and it just slowly settles

[45:56] maybe even improves i think the taste

[45:59] because of the initial jostling and then the settling

[46:03] uh... and then i lead them into the farmhouse through the front

[46:07] as cake science

[46:09] i lead them through the front

[46:11] and oh i'm sorry they're not going to the farmhouse it doesn't matter i lead them into the farmhouse

[46:15] yeah they'll go into the farmhouse i like this

[46:18] they'll follow me as i walk past captain

[46:21] who's tending to his wounds

[46:23] uh... and i lead them

[46:25] through uh... the front of the farmhouse uh... to the applause of everyone there

[46:30] yeah so they uh... you lead them yeah everybody everybody cheers somebody says

[46:35] oh go dancer

[46:37] yeah uh... you reduce the heat by one you're down to only three heat now uh... and

[46:42] they uh... the baker

[46:44] leaves the

[46:46] cake on the table in the dining room

[46:51] that is stacked with non-shattered plates and uh... let's see

[46:57] uh... farmhouse da da da da da

[47:00] yep dining room and

[47:02] on this ground floor in these front rooms there are uh... this is

[47:06] the uh... the wedding party is getting ready they are uh... you know checking

[47:11] each other's hair and make sure their bouquets look nice

[47:16] and it

[47:17] from the the chatter you can tell they are about to go out

[47:21] for the ceremony the guests are starting to arrive

[47:25] the food will be served after the ceremony

[47:29] and now you are also in the farmhouse and you know what

[47:32] i think now that our heroes are on the farmhouse i think this is a good place

[47:36] uh... for us to end come back in two weeks and we will see if uh... the three

[47:40] of the three of you guys can ruin a wedding

[47:45] oh that is a goal

[47:47] i see oh we are doing a lot of work

[47:48] yeah we should be just messing things up much more

[47:52] that's a much easier game to finish

[48:17] to face you on your quest

[48:19] but don't worry the hogs bottom three

[48:22] are here to get a bowl of chili

[48:24] Fluff Tents

[48:27] everybody's favorite crew in Fluff Tents

[48:33] protect cutie pie and talk to stew

[48:37] lucky phone watcher

[48:39] you know when i'm playing scraps

[48:42] and me your boy Stew

[48:47] everybody's favorite crew in Fluff Tents

[48:52] protect cutie pie and talk to stew

[48:57] not ponytails or some kind of bird tent

[49:04] not ponytails or some kind of bird tent

[49:11] maximum fun dot org

[49:13] comedy and culture

[49:15] artists owned

[49:16] audience supported

FH Mini 43 - FlopTails Part 1, with Zhubin Parang

Transcript

Description