FH Mini 43 - FlopTails Part 1, with Zhubin Parang

[0:00] Life reminds me of a storm here in the doghouse

S1

[0:13] Make a move when it's your turn

[0:15] Get some chili, take buttercup out

[0:18] But don't disrupt the day's events

[0:20] Don't ruin the wedding plans

[0:23] Terror, danger, certain death

[0:26] Are sure to face you on your quest

[0:28] But don't worry, the hog's bottom three

[0:31] I'm here to get a bowl of chili

[0:34] Flop Tens

[0:35] Everybody's favorite crew in Flop Tens

[0:41] Pretend cutie pie and talk to Stu

[0:45] D-D-D-Den is

[0:47] Lucky Bone Watcher

[0:49] Elliot is

Elliott Kalan

[0:50] You know when I'm playing Scraps

S1

[0:51] Superness

[0:52] Dancer Silverfur

[0:53] And me, your boy Stu

[0:55] Flop Tens

[0:55] Everybody's favorite crew in Flop Tens

[1:01] Protect cutie pie and talk to Stu

[1:04] Flop Tens

[1:06] Not ponytails or some kind of birdtail

[1:11] Flop Tens

[1:16] Flop Tens

[1:17] Hello and welcome to Flop Tales, an actual play RPG podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33] Now normally if you're tuning in, you're probably thinking, what?

[1:35] I don't normally listen to the Flop House.

[1:37] That's not what we're doing tonight though.

[1:39] We are doing something completely different because it's one of our mini episodes where normally we watch a bad movie and talk about it.

[1:44] Tonight we're going to do whatever the fuck I want.

[1:46] And in fact, we're going to be playing a story from our ongoing Flop Tales extended universe of tabletop role-playing games that we have recorded and I force these guys to play with me.

[1:59] If by chance you enjoy this episode and you want more of this, there are additional episodes found in our bonus feed, which is available to MaxFun supporters.

[2:10] And there's also a couple episodes buried within the Adventure Zone feed because this show kind of started out as a spinoff from the main Adventure Zone.

Zhubin Parang

[2:23] I can't believe you guys sold all the rights to that.

[2:25] That was very silly in your book.

Stuart Wellington

[2:26] Yeah, it was foolish.

[2:26] We just tossed them to the wind.

Elliott Kalan

[2:28] That was foolish.

[2:29] But we're in it for the love and not the money, unfortunately.

Zhubin Parang

[2:32] Although your money...

[2:33] Their coup was keeping the merchandising rights, all those action figures.

Stuart Wellington

[2:38] Yep, all the Hogs Bottom 3 action figures.

[2:42] Now, instead of playing Dungeons & Dragons or our weird-boiled noir game, tonight you will be...

[2:50] And you, as in the players, will be taking the role of cartoon barnyard dogs living together on Farmer McAllister's large farm.

Elliott Kalan

[3:03] Now, Stuart, before we start, can we say who are you?

[3:05] By which I mean us.

[3:07] Which I mean...

[3:08] Oh, yeah.

[3:08] Yeah, introduce the rest.

[3:09] Who are your players today?

Stuart Wellington

[3:11] Yeah, thank you.

[3:14] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[3:15] I'm the game master tonight.

[3:16] And I am joined by Dan McCoy.

[3:18] Hi, I am.

[3:18] Elliot Kalin.

[3:19] Hey.

[3:21] And Jubin Parang.

[3:23] Hi.

[3:23] Hey, guys.

[3:25] Now, I briefly mentioned that you were going to be playing cartoon barnyard dogs.

[3:29] Now, think of it as like Don Bluth animated dogs.

[3:32] You're not like a bunch of goofies.

Dan McCoy

[3:36] Okay.

[3:37] Does that make sense?

[3:37] I mean, way ahead of you, man.

[3:39] That was immediately what I want.

[3:40] Googling Don Bluth right here to see and...

[3:44] Okay.

[3:44] I got it.

[3:45] They're the types of dogs that all go to heaven.

Elliott Kalan

[3:49] Yeah.

[3:50] So, yeah, the tattoo on my belly that says goof life, does that not apply to this?

Stuart Wellington

[3:54] No, but I'm glad you got it.

[3:56] I wasn't expecting you to be able to sit through the whole thing.

[3:58] What was that?

[3:58] A six-hour tattoo?

Elliott Kalan

[4:00] Yeah, well, we did it in two sessions.

[4:01] They did goof first and people were like, that's a weird tattoo.

[4:03] And I was like, wait till next week.

[4:05] And then they did life in the next one.

[4:06] People were like, oh, I get it now.

Dan McCoy

[4:09] And then when I went back and I pulled up my shirt and I said, what do you think of me now?

[4:14] They were like, what?

Stuart Wellington

[4:17] Put the shirt back down, they say.

[4:19] Now, today on Farmer McAllister's farm, the farm is a hive of activity

[4:48] because the farmer's eldest daughter, Rosalyn, is getting married.

[4:53] Oh, wonderful.

[4:55] That's great.

[4:56] We've got to stop it.

[4:59] I mean, we're going to see.

[5:00] The ceremony and the party are going to be held in the field next to the barn

[5:04] and the whole town is invited.

[5:08] Now, before we get into exactly what's going on,

[5:10] I think it's time to introduce your characters.

[5:14] Jubin, since you're our guest, why don't you introduce your character first?

Zhubin Parang

[5:18] Sure.

[5:19] My character is Dancer Silverfur.

[5:21] He is a prize-winning level Siberian husky, beautiful, purebred, the gray and white type,

[5:29] except for a streak down his back that is actual silver.

[5:35] Wow, the metal.

[5:36] It has silver metallic elements in it.

[5:38] It's not clear where it came from.

[5:40] It's not clear how he has it, but he has it.

[5:43] It's a given in this universe.

[5:45] Maybe it's a secret to be discovered somewhere in this episode,

[5:48] maybe future episodes that will be owned by the Adventure Zone crew.

[5:53] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[5:54] Okay.

[5:54] Dan, who are you going to be playing today?

Dan McCoy

[5:57] I'm Lucky Bone Watcher, an inquisitive hound.

[6:01] I'm an Afghan.

[6:03] Like most Afghans, I'm sort of a gaunt dog with long fringes of hair,

[6:13] and my hair is sort of a chestnut brown with streaks of gray in it.

[6:19] I love this.

Stuart Wellington

[6:20] Okay.

[6:20] And Elliot, who are you going to be playing today?

Elliott Kalan

[6:22] And of course, you know it.

[6:23] I'm playing Scraps.

[6:24] He's a lovable mutt.

[6:25] He's a terrier, specifically a West Highland white terrier.

[6:29] But you wouldn't know it because he's pretty filthy most of the time.

[6:33] This is a dog who likes to get into scrapes,

[6:35] likes to get into scraps, as his name suggests.

[6:38] So his hair, or fur that is, is pretty thickly matted with dirt and some kinds of mud,

[6:43] but it only makes him that much more lovable.

[6:45] And, you know, when you see him coming along, you're like,

[6:48] Scraps, what did you get into?

[6:49] Oh, no.

Stuart Wellington

[6:51] What kind of trouble is he in?

Zhubin Parang

[6:53] There's a weird farm that has these three separate types of dogs on it.

[6:57] I'll tell you that.

Stuart Wellington

[6:58] What does the farm raise again?

[7:00] I mean, it's like a classic farm.

[7:03] So there's like a cornfield.

[7:06] There's a farm.

[7:07] The farmer has no idea what he raises.

[7:09] There's a pasture with cows.

[7:13] There's an apple orchard nearby.

[7:15] Okay.

[7:16] Very diversified portfolio.

[7:17] That's good.

[7:18] It's not just one crop.

[7:19] Okay.

[7:19] Yeah, exactly.

[7:21] Okay.

[7:21] So now, no celebration, including this one, would be complete without the McAllister prize-winning

[7:29] chili.

[7:30] That careful blend of juicy meats, savory spices, and fresh herbs is the star of the county fair.

[7:37] How many?

[7:37] Unfortunately.

Elliott Kalan

[7:38] I just want to say, for people following these stories, we've had at least one other chili story before this.

[7:43] So chili is a real thread line.

[7:45] Chili is your muse.

Stuart Wellington

[7:47] Yeah, it's a real motif.

Elliott Kalan

[7:47] Yeah, it's a real motif in our series.

[7:49] All the FTEU, flop tails, and extended universe.

[7:51] Thank you, Shuban.

Elliott Kalan

[7:51] I was waiting for somebody to point that out.

Stuart Wellington

[7:53] It's these subtly designed motifs I put in my games.

Elliott Kalan

[7:58] What I like is, so in Michael Moorcock's work, he talks about the eternal champion who reverberates throughout time and dimensions.

[8:05] With Stuart, it's the eternal chili, which appears in all dimensions in some form.

Stuart Wellington

[8:09] Exactly.

[8:10] Let's hope this one doesn't turn you into a lava zombie.

[8:13] So, unfortunately, this delicious chili is not for dogs.

[8:19] But ever since you were a puppy, you'd heard legends of the time that Bruiser, rest in peace, was given a bowl of chili as a reward.

[8:27] Now this might be your chance to get some.

[8:31] However, to make matters worse, earlier this week, you bumped into Buttercup, Widow Stove Kettle's companion dog,

[8:38] and you may have promised that you would score some of this delicious chili for her.

[8:43] And if you play your cards right, maybe you'll get a date in the bargain.

[8:47] Wait, all three of us with Buttercup?

Elliott Kalan

[8:49] My exact question.

[8:51] Thank you.

[8:51] Thank you, Silver Dog.

Stuart Wellington

[8:52] My exact question.

[8:54] Well, I mean, that's up to you.

[8:59] It could just be one of you.

[9:00] It's up to Buttercup, Stuart.

[9:01] Yeah, it's up to Buttercup.

[9:02] Let's be honest.

[9:04] Thank you, Dan.

[9:05] I like to think that your chances of getting a date exist entirely in your mind as opposed to any kind of reality.

[9:11] But we'll see.

[9:12] Okay.

[9:13] And but thank you for bringing that up, Dan.

[9:17] And if this was not all, the farmer's youngest daughter, Lizzie May, has to get ready for the wedding.

[9:24] So that means that her favorite kitten, Cutie Pie, has been left in the barn with you.

[9:31] So that Cutie Pie wouldn't be a distraction.

[9:35] However, if anything were to happen to this danger-prone feline, Lizzie May would be beside herself.

[9:43] So your mission-

Dan McCoy

[9:43] I'm not going to get the chili if that happens.

[9:45] Sort of a three dog stooges situation.

[9:49] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[9:49] Somehow my Adam Warlock explainer was less complicated than the barnyard cast of characters.

Stuart Wellington

[9:57] So your mission, of course, you need to get some of that chili.

[10:02] You need to keep Cutie Pie from getting killed.

[10:05] And you need to not cause too much trouble.

[10:09] Now, the way you're going to do that is anytime you're going to try and do something that might be challenging in any way,

[10:15] you're going to need to roll two six-sided dice.

[10:18] If you roll a five or six on either of the dice, you succeed.

[10:21] If you do not, you may still succeed, but there could be consequences like a bodily harm or you might generate heat.

[10:30] Heat is kind of a representation of the chaos that is being caused around the farm by you guys.

[10:37] If your heat score, which currently starts at zero, but if it ever reaches 10, the scenario is over and you have ruined the wedding.

[10:47] Now, if you ever attempt a task that matches one of your traits, I think you have them listed before you.

[10:54] You can roll that number of dice instead.

[10:57] Be creative, and you also all start the game with one good boy point each.

[11:03] You can spend a good boy point to roll an additional die when you attempt a task.

[11:08] Certain actions may result in you earning additional good boy points.

S1

[11:11] You want those good boy points.

[11:14] So, it is right about noon o'clock.

Stuart Wellington

[11:19] It's a lovely September Saturday.

[11:23] The farm is bustling.

[11:25] There are workers and carts coming up from the main road, bearing tables and benches and supplies for the party.

[11:36] The guests are going to be arriving soon.

[11:39] Farmer McAllister is already in his cups and smoking cigars with some of his friends over by the entrance to the field.

[11:48] And looking out of the door from the barn, you can see the farmhouse.

[11:53] A farmhouse where dogs are not allowed inside, except for, that's right, Captain, the old bulldog who guards the front porch.

Zhubin Parang

[12:03] Wow, Captain, Bruiser, there's a real old generation here of dogs that we do not have access with.

[12:11] So, what's the plan?

[12:14] All right, guys.

[12:15] Here's my idea for a plan, right?

[12:17] It's very clear that it's our job to take care of Cutie Pie, right?

[12:21] Yep, we've been told that, yeah.

[12:23] Right?

[12:24] If we make it look like she was in danger before we rescued her, then that's going to get us some chili.

[12:33] So, I suggest we simulate some sort of accident that we saved her from.

[12:39] Maybe we, I don't know, like dunk her in water and tell them we saved her from drowning in the river.

[12:45] Maybe we…

Elliott Kalan

[12:46] Let me, I just want to make sure I get your story.

[12:49] So, we've been explicitly tasked with keeping Cutie Pie safe.

[12:55] Your plan is to endanger Cutie Pie, then save her.

Zhubin Parang

[12:59] Within the controlled bounds of us saving her, yes, to simulate a danger that we saved her from and therefore deserve possibly good boy points, possibly chili.

[13:10] And then, I guess the scenario where either we all go on a date with Buttercup or each of us individually gets a chance in a bachelorette-style competition.

Elliott Kalan

[13:20] A single litter can have multiple fathers, so it's not…

[13:23] Is that true?

[13:24] Yes.

[13:25] So, dogs, it can happen.

[13:27] Okay, you know what?

[13:28] There's something in the back of my terrier mind that says, this is probably not a great idea.

[13:33] But on the other hand, scraps can't turn away from a scrap.

[13:37] So, I'm kind of…

[13:39] I'm a little curious.

[13:40] I think this might be the way to go.

[13:42] But at the very least, we can see what happens.

[13:44] Worst case scenario, I hop a boxcar and I find another farm to live at.

[13:47] I've done it before.

[13:48] I can do it again.

Zhubin Parang

[13:49] You have a real escape plan for a dog.

[13:51] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[13:52] He's got a book of matches just ready to light the hayloft on fire.

Zhubin Parang

[13:57] It's not his first farm.

[13:58] Mechanicalist's farm is not your first one.

Elliott Kalan

[14:00] There's no doggy bridge.

[14:01] I'm not afraid of burning on my way out.

[14:03] So, but what do you think, Dog Watcher?

[14:06] What was your name?

[14:08] Lucky Bone Watcher.

[14:10] I'll write these down.

Zhubin Parang

[14:12] And I'm Dancer Silverfur, if you guys forgot that.

[14:15] And you know me.

[14:16] I'm scraps.

Dan McCoy

[14:17] Yeah.

[14:19] Well, you know, stepping outside the game for a moment.

[14:22] I have a cold.

[14:23] So, I'm going to be bringing that energy tonight.

[14:26] You know, that sort of.

[14:27] Awesome.

[14:28] That loopy cold medicine energy.

[14:31] So.

Dan McCoy

[14:31] Love that.

[14:32] I don't know about this scheme.

Elliott Kalan

[14:35] And yet you're like, I'm going to bring this loopy, crazy, wacky cold energy.

[14:39] Guys, I don't want us to do anything too nuts.

[14:41] Wait a minute, Dan.

[14:42] This is the time to do it.

[14:43] This doesn't mean I want to just walk into the wind.

[14:45] When you're hopped up on a diamond tap.

Dan McCoy

[14:46] Come on.

[14:47] This seems like a bad idea.

[14:49] I want to.

[14:50] I just want to.

[14:51] I want to lay by the hearth and cock an eyebrow at things once in a while.

[14:57] That's my dream.

Elliott Kalan

[14:59] Yeah, but that's not going to get us any chili.

[15:01] Are we in a barn?

[15:03] We're in the barn, right?

Stuart Wellington

[15:04] Yeah, yeah.

[15:05] You guys are in the barn.

[15:05] You're not laughing.

[15:06] No, no.

[15:06] I know in general.

[15:07] There's a hearth in the barn?

Elliott Kalan

[15:08] Here's what we're going to do.

[15:09] Here's what we're going to do.

[15:10] It's a hearthless barn.

[15:12] That goes without saying.

[15:13] There's a hearth in our heart.

Zhubin Parang

[15:15] Here's what we should do.

[15:16] Is there a second floor in this barn, like a hayloft?

Stuart Wellington

[15:18] Absolutely.

[15:19] There is a hayloft, of course.

[15:20] Great.

Zhubin Parang

[15:21] And I assume there's a window at the top of this hayloft.

[15:24] Some sort of thing to create a draft, keep things dry, ventilation.

Stuart Wellington

[15:27] Yeah, yeah.

[15:27] Do you guys all go up to the hayloft?

Zhubin Parang

[15:29] I suggest we throw Cutie Pie out of the second story window, but with a bunch of hay at the

[15:36] bottom.

[15:37] So she lands on the hay.

[15:39] We tell everyone if we broke her fall.

[15:42] And then we get the chili.

Elliott Kalan

[15:44] Okay.

[15:44] Here's why I'm going to say that's a bad idea.

[15:46] Not because we shouldn't throw Cutie Pie out a window, but because cats always fall off,

[15:50] always land on their feet.

[15:51] Everyone knows that.

[15:52] We're not going to get any credit for saving her.

[15:53] Natural feet skills are going to give her that credit.

[15:55] So let's not do that.

[15:56] On the other hand, what other ways might we get some chili other than endangering Cutie

[16:00] Pie?

[16:01] Is there, are there any...

[16:02] No, I do like the idea of using the tools that you have available.

[16:06] That's true.

[16:07] Do we know of any jobs that need to be done around the farm that are doggable?

Stuart Wellington

[16:11] I mean, I think it's tough.

[16:13] At this point, there's not a lot of farm jobs going on.

[16:16] It's a lot of setup for the wedding.

Dan McCoy

[16:19] I think we've been handed our job, which is to look after Cutie Pie.

[16:24] Uh-huh.

[16:24] Okay.

Zhubin Parang

[16:25] Here's my suggestion.

[16:26] Here's my suggestion, which is not to throw Cutie Pie out of the hayloft, but to instead

[16:31] you...

[16:31] Because that was your suggestion.

[16:33] You run out.

[16:33] My suggestion is to mimic it.

[16:35] So, for example, Scraps, you run out to everyone and say, oh, no, Cutie Pie is falling

[16:40] from the top of the hayloft.

[16:42] Uh-huh.

[16:42] Then when everyone turns...

[16:43] I'll express that through Barks.

[16:44] I...

[16:44] Yeah.

[16:45] Through Barks.

[16:46] Yeah.

[16:46] When everyone turns to see what's happened, I, having walked out with Cutie Pie in her

[16:51] nape in my mouth, will throw her up and then catch her.

[16:56] So, it'll look like, as everyone turns, I've caught her on her descent from the second story

[17:00] window, and boom, here comes Buttercup, maybe with chill.

[17:04] All right.

[17:04] Now, that's something, huh?

[17:05] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[17:06] Now, here's...

[17:06] This is the closest to a scheme that I can back, because there's no actual danger towards

[17:12] this cab.

Elliott Kalan

[17:12] Now, I'm not saying no to the fake endangering Cutie Pie scheme yet.

[17:19] What I'm wondering, though, okay, it's a wedding.

[17:21] Guys, what do people love at weddings?

[17:23] Cute stuff.

[17:24] What are we?

[17:25] We're dogs.

[17:26] Yeah.

[17:26] Let's see if there's some bow ties we can put on.

[17:29] Go out there during the reception.

[17:31] Beg for some chili.

[17:32] People are like, oh, look at that cute dog.

[17:34] You know what?

[17:34] I'm going to slip him some chili.

[17:36] We get some to taste.

[17:37] We put some in our mouths.

[17:38] We spit it into Buttercup's mouth when we get...

[17:40] Or when we get...

[17:42] When we see her, so she can have some.

[17:44] And then we're all just going to poop our brains out, because we're dogs eating chili.

[17:47] And we just have to do that a certain distance from the reception.

[17:50] Hopefully not during our dates.

[17:51] So now here's not...

[17:53] So that's our alternative plans are either to fake a cutie pie escapade, or to see if we

[17:58] can cute ourselves up so we can get some chili from the guests.

[18:02] What do you guys think?

Zhubin Parang

[18:02] Your plan here is to roam the farmhouse looking for bow ties that fit us as dogs?

[18:07] Hey, look...

[18:08] Were these magical bow ties, should they even exist in the farmhouse?

[18:12] How are we supposed to put them on?

[18:13] We're dogs.

Elliott Kalan

[18:14] Okay, I'm blue skying, but you're right.

[18:16] That's a good question.

[18:16] We don't have hands.

[18:17] I was kind of hoping that they would be hanging from nails, and we'd just be able to kind

[18:21] of like put our heads through the loop and just stick them on that way.

[18:24] Sure, yeah.

[18:24] Now, look, we can easily do both.

Zhubin Parang

[18:26] Two of us can do the simulate cutie pies near death, while the third uses that as a distraction

[18:31] and hides it to the farmhouse to look for these magical already tied looped dog bow ties.

Elliott Kalan

[18:38] I mean, a lot of bow ties are already tied.

[18:40] People get the pre-tied bow ties, and I know that because I'm a dog.

Zhubin Parang

[18:43] I mean, I don't want to sound classist here, but probably Farmer Callister is probably the

[18:47] kind of guy who clips on, am I right?

[18:49] Almost certainly.

Elliott Kalan

[18:50] Yes.

[18:51] I mean, he's probably going to wear overalls with a clip on bow tie to the wedding.

Stuart Wellington

[18:57] While you are having this in-depth meeting of the minds, you notice that Cutie Pie has

[19:06] left the stall that you are hunched over in and is now walking out out of the barn and into

[19:15] the path of Sweetfoot the draft horse.

[19:18] Oh, no.

Elliott Kalan

[19:19] Oh, no.

[19:20] What an ironic name for a horse.

[19:22] Those feet are not sweet.

[19:23] Okay.

[19:24] So which one of us is going to run out and try to do it?

[19:26] We should all run out.

Dan McCoy

[19:27] Hey, look.

[19:28] I'm going to try and run out and grab her by the nape of her neck.

[19:31] The scruff.

[19:32] The scruff, such as her mother would, to rescue her from being trampled.

Zhubin Parang

[19:38] Okay.

[19:38] Do you have a trait that would make that easier for you?

Dan McCoy

[19:42] I don't.

[19:43] I guess if one of you has that.

Elliott Kalan

[19:44] I have a scamper, which could probably help me get over there fast enough to do it.

[19:50] Maybe you should do it.

[19:51] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[19:51] I just have to drag it away.

[19:52] What about you, silver fox?

[19:53] Silver fur.

[19:55] Silver fox.

Zhubin Parang

[19:56] As you can see from this metallic streak of silver that goes down my back.

[20:00] Who knows why it's there?

[20:01] It's a mystery.

[20:02] Or is it?

[20:02] We might discover that.

Elliott Kalan

[20:04] I assumed you had lain down for a nap on a wet flagpole, and now Pepe Le Pew thought you

[20:08] were a skunk who was chasing after you to assault you.

Zhubin Parang

[20:11] Possibly.

[20:12] I won't tell you.

[20:13] Possibly.

[20:14] I have purebred.

[20:15] I have stubborn and scrapper.

[20:16] So none of those are, I think, are relevant to this.

[20:19] I think you should do it.

[20:19] Scraps.

Elliott Kalan

[20:20] I'll do scamper.

[20:21] I'll scamper over to Cutie Pie and try to pull her from Sweetfoot's path.

[20:27] Okay, so what you're going to need to do is-

Zhubin Parang

[20:31] I'm running behind Scraps shouting, oh no, Cutie Pie, who might be trampled by the horse.

[20:37] So maybe we can maybe simulate this on its own.

[20:39] Yeah, yeah.

[20:39] Let's take advantage of it.

[20:40] Great.

[20:40] Some buzz around the farm.

[20:42] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[20:43] So I'm running around and barking.

Elliott Kalan

[20:45] Get people talking.

Stuart Wellington

[20:46] Just to make it pretty clear, for the rules of this universe, animals can talk to each

[20:53] other.

[20:54] Animals can understand humans.

[20:56] Humans cannot understand animals.

[20:58] But can humans talk to each other?

[21:00] Yeah, you can talk-

[21:01] Wait, you can talk to other animals.

[21:03] Yeah.

[21:03] Yeah, yeah.

[21:03] Can humans talk to each other in this world?

[21:06] If they speak the same language.

[21:07] Humans can talk to other humans.

Elliott Kalan

[21:08] These sound like the same rules that govern the world of Housebroken.

[21:11] Coming back to Fox next year, it was Monday Night's Night.

[21:15] It's available on Hulu now.

[21:16] Housebroken, written by me.

Stuart Wellington

[21:17] Yeah, maybe I was inspired by something written by Elliot.

[21:20] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[21:21] And so I'm going to scamper over.

[21:23] According to my character sheet, that's 3D6s.

Stuart Wellington

[21:26] Okay, so you've got to roll three six-sided dice.

[21:28] Do you want to use your good boy point?

Elliott Kalan

[21:30] No.

[21:32] I'll let it ride.

[21:33] 50-50 odds.

[21:34] Let's let it ride.

[21:35] I might need it later.

[21:36] I don't know if 50-50 odds really is what applies here.

[21:38] You hurt that cat, Elliot.

Zhubin Parang

[21:41] I'm running behind, barking, drawing attention to the horse.

Elliott Kalan

[21:44] Okay, I've got two fours and a one.

Stuart Wellington

[21:48] But you said it might succeed.

Elliott Kalan

[21:50] Maybe I just get a hoof to the head.

Stuart Wellington

[21:52] Okay, so you run after Cutie Pie.

[21:54] You dive and catch her, rolling over in a pile of dust.

[21:58] It's okay.

[21:59] I'm very dirty already.

[22:00] Dancer's shouting alerts Sweetfoot, who rears up and upends the cart that she's dragging.

[22:08] Uh-oh.

[22:09] Causing all kinds of chaos.

[22:11] That adds one to your heat score.

[22:16] Oh, no.

[22:17] And some of the workmen start shouting.

[22:21] What are they shouting?

[22:22] Get out of here, dogs.

[22:23] Oh.

[22:24] They're just like, hey, oh, no.

[22:26] Calm down, Sweetfoot.

S6

[22:29] Do you sometimes wonder whatever happened to the kids at your school who really loved Star Trek?

[22:34] You might remember a kid like me, the one who read the Star Trek novels

[22:38] and built Starship models.

[22:39] I also took music classes to avoid taking gym classes that required showering after,

[22:44] but I don't see what that really has to do with-

S1

[22:46] Or a kid like me.

[22:47] I introduced myself to kids at my summer camp one year as Wesley.

[22:51] But when the school year started and some of those kids were in my new class,

[22:54] I actually had to explain to my friends that I had tried to take on the identity

[22:57] of my favorite Star Trek character.

[23:00] The shame haunts me to this day.

S6

[23:01] I'm sure some of those Star Trek fans from your childhood grew up to have interesting

[23:05] and productive lives, but we ended up being podcasters.

S1

[23:10] On The Greatest Discovery, you'll hear what happens to two lifelong Star Trek fans who didn't

[23:15] grow up to be great people, they just grew up to be people who love jokes as much as they

[23:19] love Trek.

S6

[23:20] Season four of Star Trek Discovery is here, so listen to our new episodes every week

[23:25] on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.

Jesse Thorn

[23:30] Hi, it's Jesse Thorne, the founder of Maximum Fun.

[23:34] It's the Thanksgiving season, and I want to take this opportunity to thank you, the members

[23:39] of Maximum Fun.

[23:40] This MaxFun drive, your generosity and your love of pins helped us raise over $90,000 to

[23:48] help bridge the digital divide.

[23:50] Families without internet access struggled to do things, but the rest of us,

[23:55] might take for granted, especially during COVID.

[23:58] Going to school, applying for jobs, fighting medical care.

[24:02] Your donations help the nonprofit, Everyone On.

[24:06] They provide equipment, services, and training to get people online so they can access opportunity.

[24:12] You can find out more about the great work Everyone On does at everyoneon.org.

[24:19] Thanks for supporting Maximum Fun.

[24:21] Thanks for supporting Everyone On.

[24:23] And thanks for being awesome people who want to do good in the world.

Dan McCoy

[24:31] The Flophouse is sponsored in part by Squarespace.

[24:34] With Squarespace, you can turn your cool idea into a new website, blog or publish content,

[24:40] sell products and services of all kinds, and more.

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[25:01] Head to squarespace.com slash flop for a free trial.

[25:07] And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code flop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Stuart Wellington

[25:15] This episode, we also have a j-j-j-j-jumbotron.

[25:20] That's right.

[25:21] And it's a message for the Super Mikey.

[25:24] The message is from Sarah, the head nerd.

[25:28] Surprise, Mikey.

[25:30] It's me.

[25:31] You are the lion in winter to my sneakers.

[25:34] Merry Festivus, nerd.

[25:36] Very sweet.

[25:37] And now, back to the show.

Elliott Kalan

[25:42] I have another trait right here that's described as can't stay mad at you.

[25:47] Do you think it would be worth doing that now, guys, to try to win over the workmen?

[25:51] Maybe that would lower the heat a little bit.

[25:52] What do you think?

Dan McCoy

[25:54] Yeah, let's do it.

[25:55] I don't know how these mechanics work, so sure.

Elliott Kalan

[25:57] Yeah, how are you going to do it?

[25:59] Is there a limit of how many times I can do these things?

Stuart Wellington

[26:02] In reaction to each situation, yeah.

[26:04] Okay.

[26:05] So you can't do the same thing twice in a row, basically.

[26:07] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[26:08] So what I'm going to do is I'm going to start nuzzling cutie pie, and it's going to look

[26:13] like kind of like adorable animal friends.

[26:15] Like, oh, look at these unusual animal friends.

[26:17] A scruffy old dog and a little cutie cat.

[26:20] And in the hopes that that will smooth things out with them, because they'll be like, oh,

[26:24] well, that's sweet.

[26:25] You know what?

[26:25] I'm not mad anymore.

[26:26] I'll just reload this wagon.

[26:27] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[26:27] Yeah.

[26:28] Yeah, I love it.

[26:30] So I'm rolling for can't stay mad at you.

[26:32] Let's see.

[26:33] 3D6.

[26:33] Let's do it.

[26:34] A five.

Stuart Wellington

[26:35] Nice.

[26:36] Oh, heck yeah.

[26:38] So you reduce the heat back down to zero.

[26:41] Oh, thank goodness.

[26:42] Nobody's mad at you anymore.

[26:43] And you earn a good boy point for your trouble.

Zhubin Parang

[26:46] Oh.

[26:46] Oh, wow.

[26:47] This is what a total reversal of fortune here.

[26:49] Very nice.

Elliott Kalan

[26:50] Yeah.

[26:50] Hey, they literally can't stay mad at me.

[26:53] This is where I start lecturing to the others.

Dan McCoy

[26:56] Now, good boy points in my cosmology cannot be awarded by humans.

[27:01] They are bestowed upon us by our creator.

[27:06] The humans are-

Zhubin Parang

[27:07] I hear what you're saying, but Scraps has got the good boy point.

[27:09] I don't know what to tell you, man.

Elliott Kalan

[27:10] I don't know if this is-

[27:11] Yeah, I mean, it's a practical reality.

[27:14] I understand it doesn't fit in your religious worldview, but like it happened.

[27:17] I don't know.

[27:17] I don't know what to tell you.

[27:18] Anyway.

[27:19] Anyway, cutie pie.

[27:20] I mean, it's been pulled by the good boy points of this world when the points of the next-

[27:25] I mean, is there chili in the next world?

[27:27] So I'm focused on this world right now.

[27:29] Cutie pie-

[27:29] Yeah, we're living for today.

[27:31] And I say, cutie pie, please do not run off like that.

[27:33] Like, we're worried about you.

[27:34] We gotta keep you safe.

[27:35] That's our job.

Zhubin Parang

[27:36] What if you fell out that second story window of the hayloft?

[27:39] Now, that would be a disaster.

Stuart Wellington

[27:40] It would be.

[27:42] Unless-

[27:42] Yeah, cutie pie gives you a look of complete and total innocence, like, who me?

[27:48] And then starts wandering off again.

Elliott Kalan

[27:51] What?

[27:54] Okay, guys, we gotta stay close to cutie pie.

[27:56] I mean, we're certainly not gonna get chilly if this cat dies.

Zhubin Parang

[27:59] I do like the idea of one of us going to the farmhouse and trying to see if there's a way we can cutie-fy ourselves.

[28:06] Maybe we'll see some kind of danger that we can avoid there.

[28:08] Oh, now you like the idea.

Elliott Kalan

[28:09] Interesting.

[28:09] It received nothing but attacks.

[28:14] Nothing but slander and calumny.

[28:16] I'm a collaborator.

Zhubin Parang

[28:17] I was not-

[28:18] I don't see anybody trying to pursue my idea, but I'm willing to take all other ideas.

[28:23] Nobody will say that Silverfur isn't a team player.

Elliott Kalan

[28:25] We kind of just did your idea, and is my mouth full of chili?

[28:28] Let me open it up so you can see.

[28:29] Ah, nope, no chili in there.

[28:31] Just my regular dog tongue.

Zhubin Parang

[28:33] No, because of your failure, we're not getting chili.

Stuart Wellington

[28:35] Is the chili being prepared right now?

[28:38] Yeah, the chili is being prepared right now.

[28:40] You can smell it.

[28:40] It's coming from the kitchen, which isn't the best of the house.

Dan McCoy

[28:42] Maybe we can herd cutie pie toward the smell of the chili.

[28:46] Yeah, easily.

[28:47] Okay.

[28:48] So yeah, let's head towards the chili.

Zhubin Parang

[28:49] It's very famously easy to herd a cat, so let's do that.

Stuart Wellington

[28:56] So are you guys going to try and sneak around to the back of the house?

[29:00] Are you going to try and sneak in through the front?

Elliott Kalan

[29:02] I think we should probably try to go around the back rather than walking through the house

[29:05] where people are getting ready for the wedding, right?

[29:08] Yes.

[29:08] I'm imagining this is like the house in Meet Me in St. Louis where the kitchen is in the back.

[29:12] There's a back door to it.

Dan McCoy

[29:13] Is there any crawl space beneath the house that we can use to?

Stuart Wellington

[29:17] Well, yeah, there's a storm cellar underneath the house, yeah.

[29:20] We could try going through there.

[29:22] Or a root cellar, and there's a wraparound porch where a captain is patrolling to make

[29:28] sure no other dogs try and get in the house.

[29:31] But he knows that we, oh, does that include us even though we live here?

[29:35] Yes.

[29:36] He's the only dog allowed in the house.

[29:38] Oh, boy.

[29:38] He's a stickler for the rules.

[29:39] Who let the dogs in?

[29:40] Someone, I hope.

Zhubin Parang

[29:41] Oh, man.

[29:43] We'll find out.

[29:44] I'll tell you what I can do.

[29:45] I have both purebred and stubborn traits.

[29:47] I can confront him and say that I should be the one allowed in the house.

[29:51] And while I'm doing that, you guys can sneak around and get inside the kitchen.

Elliott Kalan

[29:56] I love this idea.

[29:57] Okay.

[29:58] Let's try it, yeah.

[30:00] We'll bring Cutie Pie along, and yeah, you do that.

[30:03] You take his attention.

Stuart Wellington

[30:06] So you march in past the gates of the fence that lead up to the house.

[30:12] You can hear Farmer McAllister laughing loudly at some terrible joke somebody told him, and he keeps slapping the shoulder of his son-in-law to be.

[30:26] Pauly Shore.

[30:26] If only it was Pauly Shore.

[30:30] That would be great.

[30:31] But no, it's, what is his name here?

[30:33] Oh, Philip Beasley.

[30:36] He's a meek.

[30:37] He looks like every animated boy.

[30:42] Like a Ratatouille or a How to Train Your Dragon type fella.

Elliott Kalan

[30:46] The kind that women in the movies eventually find irresistible, even though they're incompetent most of the time.

Stuart Wellington

[30:52] I mean, he's voiced by Jay Baruchel, so you know people are going to like him.

[30:57] I mean, he's proven he can get someone who's out of his league.

[31:01] That movie is proof.

[31:03] Canonical proof.

[31:04] In the Baruchel-averse.

[31:06] Dancer, you go marching up to Captain.

[31:08] What's your play here?

[31:10] What's your argument?

Zhubin Parang

[31:10] I quickly preen myself in the mirror of what I assume is probably some rusted pickup truck out in the driveway.

[31:19] And I walk up to the camera.

Elliott Kalan

[31:21] This is the most Coastal Elite episode I think we've ever done of anything.

[31:24] No, absolutely not.

[31:26] This is very much in keeping with my purebred character, I'll tell you.

[31:30] Yes, that's true.

[31:31] Not since the Hillbilly Elegy episode of the Flophouse has our coastal and classist assumptions been on display.

[31:38] But okay, yeah, you groom yourself in the mirror of a busted old truck.

Stuart Wellington

[31:43] Yep, you slick your hair back, you pull out a comb.

Zhubin Parang

[31:45] Yes, and before I announce my run for Senate, but what is the captain's, what's his breed?

[31:54] He's an old English bulldog.

[31:57] He's an old English bulldog.

[31:59] Yeah.

[32:00] So I walk up to him.

Stuart Wellington

[32:02] Yeah, he's got a couple of medals.

[32:05] He's got a monocle, you know.

[32:07] Sure, sure.

Elliott Kalan

[32:08] Yeah, a little bowler hat.

[32:09] Yeah, yeah.

[32:09] Yeah.

Zhubin Parang

[32:11] So I just walk up to him and I tell him like, hey, captain, maybe stop breathing for a couple

[32:16] of minutes so the audible noise of your labored breaths can be quiet for a minute for me to

[32:21] tell you that you should not be the house dog.

[32:26] I am deserving to be the house dog.

[32:27] Look at me.

[32:28] I have actual metal on my back.

[32:32] I have an actual precious metal on my back.

[32:34] Get the hell out of here.

[32:34] It's my corpse.

Dan McCoy

[32:37] So while this is happening, are we like trying to like sneak in on tiptoes with like xylophone

[32:44] sounds?

[32:45] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[32:45] Are you trying to sneak in the front or are you trying to sneak around the back of the

[32:48] house?

Zhubin Parang

[32:49] I think I intercepted the captain while he was on the side of the house going around the

[32:53] wraparound floor.

[32:54] So you guys go through the back entrance.

[32:55] Yeah, let's go through the back.

Stuart Wellington

[32:56] Yeah.

[32:57] Okay.

[32:57] So, uh, captain is like, oh, well, I never, on the day of the wedding, why are you coming

[33:04] to me with this kind of bullshit?

Zhubin Parang

[33:07] I'm just roasting this guy.

Stuart Wellington

[33:09] Yeah.

[33:09] You're shredding him.

[33:10] And he's like, uh, you can see he's getting redder and redder in the face.

[33:14] He doesn't know what's going on.

[33:15] Why don't you, uh, why don't you give me a roll for purebred to see if you're getting,

[33:21] uh, cause I'm assuming you're using your, your, your, uh, your breed as a way to,

[33:26] uh, your, your natural.

Zhubin Parang

[33:28] I was going to use stubborn, but I can, uh, which gives me a bit more.

[33:32] I get, I get four D six instead of three D six.

Stuart Wellington

[33:34] Okay.

[33:35] Yeah.

[33:35] You, um, are you just being an asshole and not listening to his arguments or are you just

[33:40] showing off how great you are?

Zhubin Parang

[33:42] Um, because, uh, it gives me more chances.

[33:45] I feel like I want to show, I want to just be an asshole.

[33:48] So I'm being stubborn.

Stuart Wellington

[33:49] Okay.

[33:49] So why don't you roll?

[33:50] Why don't you roll your stubborn dice?

[33:51] Do you have some dice?

Zhubin Parang

[33:53] I have a, uh, I have a random.org.

[33:56] Dice roller on my phone.

[33:57] Oh, that's great.

Elliott Kalan

[33:58] So, so roll it.

[34:00] I'll just add the dice.

[34:01] I'm rolling it.

[34:02] Rattly, rattly, rattly, rattly, dice, dice, dice.

Zhubin Parang

[34:04] Okay.

[34:05] So I got a two, a three, a two and a four.

[34:07] Wow.

[34:08] Oh no.

Stuart Wellington

[34:09] So you guys, uh, turn into a dust cloud with fists, uh, sticking out of it.

[34:15] You guys start rolling around and fighting.

[34:16] Oh boy.

[34:17] Oh no.

[34:18] That's going to add two heat.

[34:20] Oh no.

[34:21] As Farman McAllister has to send Farman's over to split you two up from your fight.

[34:26] Uh, okay.

[34:27] Meanwhile, over on the side of the house, the two of you and Cutie Pie are sneaking around

[34:32] the side.

[34:33] There's the back door.

[34:34] You can also see there's a window to the kitchen that is open and there are delicious smells

[34:38] wafting out and the, uh, the back door is propped open and, uh, there are workers, cousins,

[34:47] et cetera, uh, going in and out, carrying bouquets and, uh, napkins and other, and trays of

[34:55] bread and things like that.

Elliott Kalan

[34:57] Now, is it possible in this world for us to smell the delicious smells and then let them

[35:01] lift us up and carry us in through the window, like in a cartoon?

[35:05] Mm.

Stuart Wellington

[35:06] Uh, well, that would be, uh, yeah.

[35:08] Yeah.

[35:08] I mean, you can attempt it.

[35:10] I don't know what I would, I don't know what I would roll to attempt, uh, smell transportation.

[35:15] I don't think one of your traits would cover that, but you can roll two dice and hope you

[35:19] roll a five or six.

[35:20] Good boy points can be spent.

Elliott Kalan

[35:21] I'm, uh, I'm going to try just the two dice.

[35:24] It seems unlikely that the smell would literally lift us bottling into the kitchen, but who knows?

[35:30] Do you want to spend a good boy point for this one?

[35:31] No, I want to hold on to that good boy point for a moment.

[35:34] Okay.

[35:34] Five and a three.

Stuart Wellington

[35:35] Yep.

[35:35] Oh, wow.

[35:37] Oh, wow.

[35:38] You smell the delicious chili and it, oh man, your ears stand on it.

[35:42] You can describe it.

[35:43] What do you, what does it look like when you, when this happens?

Elliott Kalan

[35:46] Uh, so, so the chili is, uh, so the chili is like a, a, a wafting aroma that comes towards

[35:52] me and then it turns into a beckoning finger that is, that is going here, come this way,

[35:56] come this way.

[35:57] And I smell it.

[35:59] And the finger from the beckoning hand sticks me in the nose and yeah, my, my ears tick,

[36:04] uh, go up and my eyes go bug eyed.

[36:06] I'm just like, huh?

[36:08] My mouth opens up, tongue rolls out, saliva everywhere, tongue rolls back in.

[36:12] And then the finger picks me up by the nose.

[36:14] It's kind of painful actually.

[36:15] And lifts me up and care and pulls me in through the window into the kitchen and deposits me.

[36:21] Um, it deposits me on a counter behind a big cookie jar shaped like a terrier.

Dan McCoy

[36:25] And, and while that happens, I turned to, I turned to cutie pie and I say, that's the most baffling thing that I've seen involving a terrier since the ad campaign for terriers.

[36:37] A show about detectives that was advertised almost completely with dogs.

[36:44] No one watched it.

[36:45] Good show though.

Stuart Wellington

[36:48] Cutie pie, not a big fan of Donald Logue.

[36:51] So it was silent this whole time.

[36:53] Yeah.

[36:54] So what do you, do you, uh, do you chase after?

[36:56] Do you also get dragged along by the smell?

[36:59] What's up?

Dan McCoy

[37:00] Me?

[37:00] Uh, yeah.

[37:01] Yeah.

[37:01] I see it.

[37:02] And I, and I, I pick cutie pie up by the scruff of her neck and I say, oh, I'll see.

S6

[37:10] I want to see if that works for me too.

Dan McCoy

[37:13] Good scruff acting.

[37:15] Do you have a trait that would work or do you just want to roll two dice?

[37:19] I don't, what is strange coincidence?

[37:23] What do you want strange coincidence to be?

[37:24] It feels like that would work for this, maybe.

[37:26] That feels the only thing that would work for this.

[37:28] Yeah.

[37:29] I mean, it certainly would be a strange coincidence if I could also do this floating thing.

[37:35] Okay.

[37:36] Yeah.

[37:36] So let's see what I, uh, I have two fives.

[37:40] Wow.

[37:41] You did a great job.

Stuart Wellington

[37:42] Describe, describe, uh, how, how you get into the, uh, get into the kitchen.

Dan McCoy

[37:46] Yeah.

[37:47] The, the, the, the, the, the smell wafts towards me and then like it, you know, it briefly like

[37:52] undulates like a snake in front of me, uh, you know, and, uh, we're, with some, uh,

[38:00] stereotypical and, uh, canceled, uh, snake charmer music that Leonard Moulton would have

[38:05] to appear in front of the cartoon to tell us to disregard.

[38:09] And then it just turns into the smoke turns into like an escalator that I ride up through

[38:14] the window.

[38:15] Oh, that's lovely.

[38:17] Oh, wow.

Stuart Wellington

[38:18] Uh, and I was, how does your religion explain this?

Dan McCoy

[38:21] Are you, are you carrying cutie pie?

Stuart Wellington

[38:25] Is cutie pie just walking along with you?

Dan McCoy

[38:26] No, I, I, I have, I have her in my teeth.

Stuart Wellington

[38:30] Oh, that's adorable.

[38:32] And does the, does the smell also deposit you on the counter next to the terrier shaped cookie

[38:38] jar?

Dan McCoy

[38:39] Uh, well, because this is a strange coincidence, there's also an Afghan shaped cookie jar.

[38:46] The pot is going to be next to it.

Stuart Wellington

[38:50] You, you land next to scraps and cutie pie lands on her little butt and goes, uh, like sliding

[38:59] down the, the, the counter.

[39:01] As you would imagine, the kitchen is very full.

[39:04] There's a stream of cousins, aunts.

[39:08] I mean, aunts, sorry.

[39:10] Uh, and other maids coming in and out.

[39:14] And you can see.

[39:15] On the McAllister farm.

Zhubin Parang

[39:16] It's probably ants.

[39:17] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[39:18] Over in the corner.

[39:19] You see on the big wood burning stove, there is a massive pot of bubbling chili.

[39:28] Oh, that is where the smells coming from.

[39:30] Coming from.

[39:31] You cannot wait.

[39:32] There's also trays of biscuits, pies, cobs of corn, all sorts of goodies.

[39:40] Obviously your eyes are only on the prize of chili.

[39:44] Cutie pie goes sliding down the counter and you can see cutie pie is about to go right

[39:50] in the path of what looks like, like a large stack of plates is starting to wobble and tip

[39:56] as if somebody has pushed those plates on top.

[40:00] Uh, like, like they're trying to knock the, uh, plates on top of cutie pie.

[40:04] What do you do?

Elliott Kalan

[40:06] Uh, I mean, I can scamper again to, to pull her out of the way of those plates and try

[40:10] to push them back up again.

Stuart Wellington

[40:11] Uh, Dan, you're going to leave your, you're going to leave your, uh, your cover.

Elliott Kalan

[40:16] I've got, I mean, I've got, I couldn't, how is it going to help us to, if, if cutie pie

[40:20] knocks a bunch of plates over, you know, unless of course she'll take the blame for it.

[40:25] No way.

[40:26] Cause we're supposed to defend it.

[40:26] Yeah.

[40:26] We're supposed to, it's, it's our job to keep her out of trouble and alive.

[40:29] Uh, lucky.

[40:30] Uh, what do you have any traits that could be used for this?

[40:31] Do you have any like telekinetic cat pole or something like that?

Dan McCoy

[40:34] Other than strange coincidence, I have curious and unaffected, which, uh, I'm not clear

[40:41] on that one either.

[40:42] Seem mutually exclusive.

[40:43] Uh, to be, but, uh, so I, oh, you know what?

Elliott Kalan

[40:46] I'll, so I'll scamper over again and I'll, I'll try to pull her out of the way, but also

[40:50] pushing the plates back up so they don't fall over.

[40:52] Oh, okay.

[40:53] It's like a, I'll run over and then it's like a spin move, like pusher and with my, and

[40:57] with my tush, like put the plates back up.

[40:59] Mm-hmm.

[41:00] Um, okay.

[41:00] So I'll roll.

[41:01] That's 3d6 for scamper.

[41:03] Oh boy.

[41:04] I wonder if I should use a good point on, good boy point on this.

[41:08] No, we're 50-50.

[41:10] No, I don't think it's 50-50.

[41:12] I don't know where you're getting this as he is.

Stuart Wellington

[41:15] Two fours and a two.

[41:17] Uh-oh.

[41:17] Oh man.

[41:19] Those plates go everywhere.

[41:21] We are adding another, uh, another point of heat.

[41:25] You are now at, no, we're going to add two points of heat.

[41:27] Ha ha.

[41:27] Oh no, we're at four.

[41:29] Four.

[41:29] That's not good.

[41:30] And the plates go, the plates go splat, uh, scattering across the, the floor.

[41:36] They shatter.

[41:37] And you can see running away from where the, uh, from behind the plates is Tabitha.

[41:43] The, uh, the, uh.

[41:45] What?

[41:45] The tortoiseshell old cranky cat that is mad that cutie pie gets all the attention and

[41:51] love.

Elliott Kalan

[41:51] How many pets are at this farm?

[41:54] What?

[41:54] I mean, also, Tabitha is literally the old cat from House Broken that is jealous of the

[41:58] younger cat that's getting all the attention in her family.

[42:01] Yeah.

[42:02] Oh man.

[42:02] So I guess what I'm saying is you got a copyright infringement thing on your hand.

[42:05] But this one.

[42:05] Oh wow, that's too bad.

Zhubin Parang

[42:08] It's not plagiarism if it's an homage.

Stuart Wellington

[42:10] So, out in the yard.

[42:12] Captain and Dancer have been separated.

[42:16] What's the plan here?

[42:17] What's your play?

[42:19] Yeah.

[42:20] Shubin, what's your play, buddy?

[42:21] Yeah, come on, Dancer.

[42:22] You're, you're, you're out in the front yard.

Zhubin Parang

[42:23] I'm, I'm having my blood sprayed onto that window as we're talking, right?

[42:27] Like, as, as these guys are inside the fridge?

[42:29] Wait, wait, what?

[42:31] I'm in that fight with the, with the captain, right?

[42:34] No, no, they pulled you apart, right?

[42:35] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[42:35] So they, they pulled you, they pulled the two of you apart.

Zhubin Parang

[42:37] Oh, so, oh, so I am just, I'm outside right now.

Elliott Kalan

[42:39] When Seward said pulled you apart, he didn't mean they literally tore your body apart.

[42:43] Like they, he meant they pulled you from, from captain.

Stuart Wellington

[42:46] Like you opened, yeah, you opened the lament configuration.

[42:49] Yeah, yeah.

[42:49] Settlement showed up.

[42:50] I thought this was all happening simultaneously.

[42:52] I thought I was the middle of the fight.

[42:54] Now, now I'm going over to you to give you a chance to do something.

[42:58] So it's not just your friends having all the fun.

[43:00] That's part of the great thing about role playing games is passing the spotlight.

[43:04] So now the spotlight is in the front yard.

[43:07] You and captain have been separated.

[43:09] Captain is going back to guarding the front of the house.

[43:14] Although he, you know, he, he lost a little bit of face with the farmer there.

Elliott Kalan

[43:20] And that's a phrase, Jubin.

[43:21] He doesn't, he doesn't, he doesn't mean captain lost some of his face.

[43:24] No.

[43:25] Yeah.

[43:25] In the fight.

[43:26] That's another turn of phrase.

Zhubin Parang

[43:26] I, after that fight, we both did.

S8

[43:28] After that fight, we were both a little, a little less of face.

Zhubin Parang

[43:31] And this actually supports my long-term plan to eventually become the dog that's allowed inside.

[43:35] So this isn't so bad for me.

[43:37] Um, if, okay, if there, if they are, um, if the heat is, is, is this high, um, I'm going

[43:46] to, uh, I'm going to, uh, look around and see if there is, uh, anybody, um, at the farm

[43:54] who is, uh, who looks like they're in distress or looks like they might need help.

[44:01] Sure.

[44:02] I'm going to see if I can like find some way to help them.

Stuart Wellington

[44:06] Uh, yeah.

[44:06] So there's, uh, a pair, there's a baker walking up and he is being helped by one of his assistants.

[44:13] They are carrying a large wedding cake that is on a piece on like a large metal platter.

[44:19] And the cake is, is, you know, it's, it's heavy and it's windy and it's starting to like tip

[44:25] a little bit.

Zhubin Parang

[44:26] Okay.

[44:27] All right.

[44:28] Here's what I'm going to do.

[44:28] Using my purebred traits, I'm going to, uh, run up to the, um, to the, uh,

[44:36] the, uh, baker and the, and his assistants.

[44:38] And I'm going to set a pace for them walking in a way that will stabilize the, uh, cake and

[44:46] allow them to safely return it to the, uh, farmhouse.

Stuart Wellington

[44:49] Okay.

[44:50] Yeah.

Zhubin Parang

[44:50] I'm going to use all my show dog skills.

Stuart Wellington

[44:52] Okay.

[44:53] Uh, so why don't you give me a roll for that?

[44:56] Okay.

Zhubin Parang

[44:57] Now this is 3d6.

[44:59] I'm going to use my good boy point because I think failing this will be disastrous.

Stuart Wellington

[45:04] So I'm going to roll four dice.

[45:07] Knocking over the wedding cake might be bad.

[45:10] Yes.

[45:10] It's hard for me to find a path from knocking over the wedding cake to chili.

Elliott Kalan

[45:13] Yeah.

[45:15] Yes.

Zhubin Parang

[45:15] So I'm going to run over to them and I'm going to walk in front of them at a pace that,

[45:20] uh, alleviates the frequency with which they are walking right now that is affecting this

[45:24] cake so dramatically.

[45:25] And it is going to be, uh, two fives.

Stuart Wellington

[45:30] Oh, cool.

[45:31] Okay.

[45:32] So describe what, what happens, what they, they get.

[45:34] Oh, so as you like, the cake to the, to the place, the, the light table.

[45:40] Oh boy, do I guide them?

Zhubin Parang

[45:41] The sun glinting off my fur provides a perfect steady metronome for them as they walk.

[45:47] And as they walk in pace with me, the cake slowly begins to stop because it's just irregular

[45:52] enough to stop it from beginning to, uh, to be amplified.

[45:54] And it just slowly settles, maybe even improves.

[45:58] I think the taste because of the initial jostling and then the settling, uh, and then I lead

[46:04] them into the farmhouse through the front.

[46:07] That's cake science.

[46:09] I lead them through the front.

[46:10] Okay.

[46:11] And, oh, I'm sorry.

[46:12] They're not going to the farmhouse.

[46:13] It doesn't matter.

[46:14] I'm leading them into the farmhouse.

[46:15] Yeah.

[46:16] They'll, they'll go into the farmhouse.

[46:18] I like this.

[46:18] They'll follow me as I walk past captain who's tending to his wounds.

[46:22] Uh, and I lead them, uh, through the front of the farmhouse, uh, to, uh, to,

[46:28] the applause of everyone there.

Stuart Wellington

[46:30] Yeah.

[46:30] So they, they, you lead the, yeah, everybody, everybody cheers.

[46:34] Somebody says, oh, go dancer.

[46:37] Yeah.

[46:38] Good.

[46:38] Uh, you reduce the heat by one.

[46:40] You're down to only three heat now.

[46:42] Uh, and they, the, the, the baker leaves the cake on the table in the dining room that is

[46:51] stacked with non-shattered plates.

[46:54] And, uh, let's see, uh, farmhouse.

[46:58] Da, da, da, da, da, da.

[47:00] Yep.

[47:00] Dining room.

[47:01] And on this ground floor in these front rooms, there are, uh, this is the, the wedding party

[47:08] is getting ready.

[47:09] They are, uh, you know, checking each other's hair and making sure their bouquets look nice.

[47:16] And it, from the, the chatter, you can tell that they are about to go out or the ceremony.

[47:22] The guests are starting to arrive.

[47:25] The food will be served after the ceremony.

[47:29] And now you are also in the farmhouse.

[47:31] And you know what?

[47:32] I think now that our heroes are all in the farmhouse, I think this is a good place, uh, for us to

[47:36] end, come back in two weeks and we will see if, uh, the three, uh, the three of you guys can

[47:42] ruin a wedding.

[47:44] Oh, that is the goal.

Zhubin Parang

[47:47] I see.

[47:48] Oh, we're doing it all wrong.

[47:48] Yeah.

[47:49] We should be just messing things up much more.

[47:51] Yeah.

[47:52] That's a much easier game to finish.

S1

[47:55] Life reminds me of a storm here in the doghouse.

[48:03] Make a move when it's your turn.

[48:06] Get some chili, take buttercup out.

[48:08] But don't disrupt the day's events.

[48:11] Don't ruin the wedding plans.

[48:14] Terror, danger, certain death.

[48:16] Are sure to face you on your quest.

[48:19] But don't worry, the hog's bottom three.

[48:22] Are here to get a bowl of chili.

[48:25] Flop Tanks.

[48:28] Everybody's favorite crew in Flop Tanks.

[48:33] Protect cutie pie and talk to Stu.

[48:37] D-D-D-Danny.

[48:38] Lucky Bone Watcher.

[48:39] Elliot is.

[48:40] You know when I'm playing Scraps.

[48:42] Superdiss.

[48:42] Dancer Silverfur.

[48:44] And me, your boy, Stu.

[48:46] Flop Tanks.

S1

[48:46] Everybody's favorite crew in Flop Tanks.

[48:52] Protect cutie pie and talk to Stu.

[48:55] Flop Tanks.

[48:58] Not ponytails or some kind of birdtails.

[49:01] Flop Tanks.

FH Mini 43 - FlopTails Part 1, with Zhubin Parang

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