FH Mini 45 - Live from Elliott's 40th

[0:00] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[0:01] I'm going to nail it right at the start.

[0:03] Okay, it's going to be perfect.

[0:04] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[0:04] I feel like you're already making that less likely.

Stuart Wellington

[0:11] Hey!

[0:13] It's me, Stuart Wellington of the Flophouse Podcast.

[0:16] You're listening to the Flophouse Mini.

[0:18] I'm joined by my co-hosts, Dan McCoy.

[0:21] Hello.

[0:22] And Elliot Kalin.

[0:23] That's me.

[0:23] And we have something special planned.

[0:25] We're all out here in California.

[0:26] I would say planned.

[0:27] Yeah, I would say planned is exaggerating to the point of untrue.

[0:33] The thing is, we couldn't plan it because that's right.

[0:36] We're here for Elliot's surprise 40th birthday party.

[0:39] I didn't even know I was turning 40.

[0:41] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[0:41] We tricked you.

[0:42] We have slowly been gaslighting you.

[0:46] By slowly, I mean your entire life.

[0:47] We have been telling you that your birthday is years back.

[0:52] To find out that I'm actually much younger than I am was really great.

[0:55] You thought you were turning 47?

Dan McCoy

[0:57] Yeah, 47, yeah.

[0:58] Stuart also decided to surprise Elliot with a treat, making him work at his birthday party.

[1:03] Uh-huh.

[1:04] Let's bring some microphones.

[1:06] Uh-huh.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07] Well, that was the thing.

[1:08] Stuart's always, ABCP, always be content producing.

[1:10] Uh-huh.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11] And, I mean, that's the thing.

[1:12] I'm a hustler.

[1:13] I'm into poly work, as I've been telling the guys.

[1:15] The only poly work I believe in is we're going to pay off these late fees for my blockbuster

[1:20] rentals of a long-game poly.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22] This is a joke Stuart has been workshopping quite a bit over the weekend.

[1:26] It is.

[1:26] By workshopping, I mean repeating.

[1:29] That was a more polished version, I will say.

[1:31] Yeah, yeah.

[1:31] More polished version.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33] And I'm carefully watching your faces to gauge the reaction to see if it's getting better

[1:38] or worse over time.

Dan McCoy

[1:39] Well, the first time.

[1:40] Making notes.

[1:41] I pretended like it was causing me to have a stroke.

[1:45] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:46] Blood start trickling out of one of your nostrils.

[1:48] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:49] So, yeah.

[1:50] So, this is Elliot's birthday.

Stuart Wellington

[1:52] I'm really happy that we flew out to spend this with you.

[1:56] One of the reasons we're podcasting is because I love podcasting with my friend Elliot.

[2:00] Oh, thanks.

[2:00] And that's what this weekend's all about.

Elliott Kalan

[2:02] Is that podcasting?

[2:03] Well, yeah.

[2:04] This is something that my wife masterminded, not the podcast recording, but we are all together.

[2:10] It was a surprise to me.

[2:12] I knew that I was going somewhere for my 40th birthday.

[2:14] I didn't know I was going to this beautiful location we're in now and that my friends were

[2:18] flying in from New York City.

[2:20] That's right.

[2:21] Let me hear it.

[2:21] New York.

[2:22] Woo!

Dan McCoy

[2:24] Should we describe the locale that we're in right now?

[2:28] Uh-huh.

[2:28] We're in like professional podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[2:29] We're in cyberspace.

Elliott Kalan

[2:31] Yeah, yeah.

[2:32] Through the laser waves.

[2:34] And we have special guest.

[2:34] Algy Rhythm is here.

Dan McCoy

[2:35] No.

[2:36] We're in a beautiful sort of Airbnb in the mountains.

[2:41] We're on a...

Elliott Kalan

[2:41] We're in Topanga Canyons.

[2:42] We're actually kind of on the side of a canyon wall.

Dan McCoy

[2:45] Yeah.

[2:45] And we're on a deck, you know, partway down a canyon wall with a giant Buddha statue.

[2:51] Looming over us.

Elliott Kalan

[2:52] Looming over us.

[2:53] Followers of Stuart on social media will be familiar with the number of Buddhas at this

[2:59] house.

[3:00] Oh, man.

Stuart Wellington

[3:00] If you count them all and send in to the Flophouse, care of Dan McCoy, he will send you your prize.

[3:08] Okay.

[3:09] Dan gets a prize.

[3:11] And everyone is...

Elliott Kalan

[3:12] One of those spider rings that I bought in bulk.

[3:15] And notice that Stuart didn't say, there's one winner.

[3:17] Anyone who counts and sends you gets a prize.

[3:19] Yeah, that was the problem with that.

[3:20] For all of it.

[3:21] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[3:21] I think that counting the number of Buddhas in that video is a little easy for a contest.

Stuart Wellington

[3:28] Stuart does most of the counting, yeah.

[3:29] Yeah.

[3:29] It's not like one of those jars filled with pennies and you're like, how many pennies are in there?

[3:34] If you get it, you get all the pennies.

Dan McCoy

[3:35] I would also like to say that Stuart is sitting in a way that I would say is reminiscent of

[3:41] Time Cop, where his legs are splayed wide open.

[3:47] But what's he wearing, Dan?

[3:47] He's wearing a tiny, I guess that's a Speedo.

[3:51] Yeah, it's a Speedo.

[3:52] It's a bathing suit.

[3:53] It's a, well, it's a high cut.

Elliott Kalan

[3:57] Made only more high by the positioning of my legs.

Stuart Wellington

[3:59] By his legs being almost 180 degrees.

[4:03] From now on.

[4:04] He's wearing a bolt thrower.

[4:06] Bootleg bolt thrower t-shirt with a minion on him.

Elliott Kalan

[4:08] With a minion holding a gun and giving a middle finger.

Stuart Wellington

[4:11] Yeah, because he's the war master.

[4:12] He's a badass.

[4:14] Now, from now on when I am.

[4:15] And also pink sunglasses.

[4:16] Yeah, my credit from now on whenever I'm on a podcast, not this one, is provocateur.

Elliott Kalan

[4:22] I like the fact that this morning Stuart was wearing this bolt thrower bootleg shirt and multicolored sweatpants.

[4:30] He said, I'm going to go take a shower.

[4:31] He came back wearing the same outfit with a cardigan and more chains over it.

[4:36] And he did not change his pants, but he changed it to a clean pair of sunglasses.

Dan McCoy

[4:39] I mean, it does give us a nice view of his new beholder tattoo on his upper thigh.

Stuart Wellington

[4:44] Yeah, well, that's me, you know.

[4:46] But that's not what today is about.

[4:48] Today is about Elliot's 40th birthday.

Elliott Kalan

[4:50] I'm glad that my birthday podcast would be mostly about Stuart's clothing and life choices.

Stuart Wellington

[4:55] Now, Elliot, we here at the Flophouse do a lot of stuff where we talk about movies.

[5:01] Mm-hmm.

[5:02] Sure.

[5:02] Not normally today.

[5:03] Today we're normally talking about Buddhas and Stuart.

[5:07] And Bord.

[5:08] But we, today we're...

[5:11] Is that the Buddha Stuart?

[5:11] I think Studa is the best one.

[5:13] Studa works too, but then we'll think about Wes Studi, which is amazing.

[5:17] He's great.

[5:18] Yeah, he's a cherished actor.

[5:19] Now, what have...

[5:21] Now that you're turning 40, what have movies taught you about the looming age of 40?

[5:26] So, that's a good question.

Elliott Kalan

[5:28] Middle age.

[5:28] And this is going to be a very off-the-cuff answer.

[5:30] Because you're dying at 80.

[5:31] Because I've done...

[5:31] Well, I did have that conversation with my mother the other day where I said, I'm not young anymore.

[5:35] And she said, no, you're still young.

[5:37] And I said, I am...

[5:38] This is exactly middle-aged.

[5:40] Like, I'll probably die in my 80s.

[5:42] Maybe I'll make it to my 90s.

[5:43] Or with medical technology.

[5:45] I know my son is planning to live in his thousands.

[5:47] Oh, wow.

[5:48] He was like, he's like, I hope I make it to triple digits and then quadruple digits.

[5:51] And I was like, well, no one has ever done that.

Dan McCoy

[5:53] I'm not sure that the singularity is going to be reached by the time...

Stuart Wellington

[5:55] I like the chilling, the like chilling tone in his voice where he's like, I'm living forever.

[6:01] Daddy.

[6:01] Now, once I learned how to absorb life force.

Elliott Kalan

[6:03] No matter the cost.

[6:05] But so, movies have taught me that 40 is...

[6:09] I mean, growing up, 40 was just considered old.

[6:11] It was just when you were 40, you were old.

[6:14] You were essentially...

[6:15] You might as well be a...

[6:17] You might as well be 70 when you're 40.

[6:19] And I found that my life experience is, if anything, the exact opposite of that.

[6:24] Where it's...

[6:25] Or that movies will teach you that at 40 is when men are like, oh, what did I do with my life?

[6:30] Like, why am I not in my 20s?

[6:31] I got to change everything and get back to...

[6:33] I've got to erase all the progress I've made in my life and go back to being a dumb kid.

[6:37] And I found that I don't want to do that.

Stuart Wellington

[6:39] That's an overwhelming urge that I think I know Dan and I feel.

Elliott Kalan

[6:42] So, it's nice to know that you don't feel that way.

[6:44] It's very strange.

Stuart Wellington

[6:45] I remember walking down when I was living in Germany in my early 20s.

[6:49] I remember walking down the street and passing a head shop, which were plentiful at the time.

[6:53] And seeing in the window...

[6:55] That's where you would get eight heads, put them in a duffel bag, take them home.

[6:59] And I remember looking in the window and they had all these novelty t-shirts that you would get somebody for their birthday.

[7:05] And they had different ages on them.

[7:07] And my favorite one was the one that said,

[7:10] Ich bin vierzig Jahre alt und fühle mich cool, man.

[7:14] Which meant is, I'm 40 years old and I feel cool, man.

[7:18] And I'm like, if I turn 40, kill me.

[7:20] That is the most German novelty shirt.

[7:22] There's no real joke to it.

Elliott Kalan

[7:25] It's just like an attitude.

Stuart Wellington

[7:27] Yeah, exactly.

[7:27] I mean, the idea that anybody would feel cool is joke enough.

[7:32] Yeah, yeah.

[7:33] But yeah, how is...

Dan McCoy

[7:34] Wait, hold on.

[7:35] So, if you didn't feel that way, how did your midlife crisis manifest itself, Elliot?

[7:40] Because this is an interesting...

Elliott Kalan

[7:42] I haven't had one yet.

[7:43] I'm waiting for it to kick in.

[7:44] But I find that...

[7:45] I mean, this is not going to be the most interesting answer to a podcast question.

[7:47] Cars or gambling, do you think?

[7:48] What do you think, Dave?

[7:48] Well, the thing is that, like, I know people want to hear is confessions of misdeeds or, like, unhappiness.

[7:54] That's what a lot of podcasting is.

[7:56] But, like, I have been thinking about this a lot in the year leading up to this because it was not a surprise I was turning 40.

[8:01] I did the math.

[8:02] And when I was 39, I was like, wait a minute, what comes next?

[8:04] No, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

[8:06] But I think about...

[8:08] I'm pretty much exactly in my life where I would want to be at age 40.

[8:12] And, like, I have a...

[8:14] I love my wife and I want to be with her forever.

[8:17] I have two kids that I love who...

[8:19] And I don't want more kids than that.

[8:20] And the...

[8:21] We have a nice house that we live in.

[8:24] I've been able to support my family writing jokes for dogs.

[8:27] Like, so it's...

[8:28] I'm living a number of dreams.

Dan McCoy

[8:30] Well, actors playing dogs.

[8:31] Actors playing dogs.

[8:31] Let's make it clear that you're on a fax list for, like, Lassie.

[8:37] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[8:37] Yeah, you're not...

[8:38] And you're not dragging the performers.

Dan McCoy

[8:40] No, no, no, not at all.

[8:41] They're playing animals.

Stuart Wellington

[8:42] So what you're saying is that it's only down from here.

[8:45] So you're setting yourself up for a fall.

[8:47] I mean, that's one way to put it.

[8:48] I prefer to the...

[8:50] And then the inevitable revenge redemption arc that you're going to have.

[8:53] Yeah, yeah.

[8:53] Yeah, sure.

Elliott Kalan

[8:54] Yeah, sure.

[8:54] It's more like the...

Stuart Wellington

[8:55] You took this dog show away from me.

[8:57] Now you have to pay.

Elliott Kalan

[8:59] But it's going to be like pig and I'm just going to make you an amazing me.

[9:01] Oh my God.

[9:02] Oh, if only.

[9:03] Yeah.

[9:03] Pig, watch it.

[9:04] Best movie of the year.

[9:05] I don't know about...

[9:05] Well, it's really good.

[9:06] I don't know about that.

[9:07] But the...

[9:08] I didn't see that many movies this year.

[9:10] The...

[9:11] What was I going to say?

[9:12] No, I feel like each decade of my life has been better than the previous one.

[9:16] I did not like being a child.

[9:18] I did not like being my teen...

[9:19] My teens were the worst.

[9:20] That was...

[9:20] I didn't like that at all.

[9:21] And my 20s were fine.

[9:23] And my 30s were better.

[9:24] And now I'm like...

[9:25] I'm excited about my 40s.

[9:26] But what movies would taught me is that...

[9:28] Is that once you get to 40, you might...

[9:30] You either have to...

[9:31] You have to restart like you're the DC fucking universe.

[9:33] And just reboot everything.

[9:35] Yeah.

[9:35] Or you're just like getting ready to be old, you know?

Dan McCoy

[9:39] I mean, I actually think that that's pretty close to true for me as well.

[9:44] But I...

[9:45] That didn't stop me from having a lot of emotional pain.

[9:49] That I then needed to be like, oh, oh, okay.

[9:51] Wait, hold on.

[9:52] My problem, I need to figure out these emotions that are inside me.

[9:58] And where to put them.

[10:00] And what to do to deal with them.

[10:02] That was a thing I wasn't taught for some reason.

[10:04] Yeah.

[10:05] Seems important.

[10:06] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[10:06] But you were taught how to do a lot about the periodic table, right?

Dan McCoy

[10:10] I was taught it, but I forgot it.

Elliott Kalan

[10:12] Oh, boy.

[10:13] So even that...

Stuart Wellington

[10:14] Oh, my God.

[10:14] We brought you along for the chemistry day.

[10:16] Oh, no.

[10:18] Yeah.

[10:18] No, I'm the same way.

[10:19] I feel like other than like having to reconcile 40-year-old Stuart with the 30-year-old Stuart,

[10:24] 20-year-old Stuart, and 10-year-old Stuart, they're all living inside my brain at all times.

[10:28] Like Herman's head.

[10:29] Yeah.

[10:29] Exactly.

[10:30] And, you know, it's just as funny.

[10:33] Hopefully it doesn't get canceled soon.

Elliott Kalan

[10:34] I mean, Herman's head ran for at least two seasons, right?

Stuart Wellington

[10:37] That's great.

[10:38] Oh, no.

[10:39] It's okay.

Dan McCoy

[10:39] I just spilled coffee on the...

[10:40] Hopefully there's no one beneath this deck.

Elliott Kalan

[10:42] The news that Herman's head ran more than one season was so shocking for Stuart that he spilled his coffee all over.

[10:48] Everything's ruined.

[10:49] Are we having...

[10:50] He's like, but how could one woman be on the Simpsons and Herman's head in the same night for more than a season?

[10:57] Yeah.

[10:57] Destroy a mortal human.

Stuart Wellington

[10:58] Yeah.

[10:59] What is this, Jim Carrey in the 90s?

[11:02] She has to draw those pictures of Lisa?

[11:05] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[11:06] I don't think, Dan...

[11:06] Dan, I got to explain how intelligent shows were.

Dan McCoy

[11:08] I feel like we're having, like, we came here and we sat in front of a Buddha and suddenly we're having an emotional encounter group.

[11:14] Well, this is...

Elliott Kalan

[11:15] I mean, this is a very...

[11:16] This is the other thing you do in movies when you're 40, which is that you do, like, big chill type stuff.

[11:20] I guess they're in their 30s in the big chill, right?

[11:22] Yeah.

[11:23] But, like, that's when you're, like...

Stuart Wellington

[11:24] But that seemed, like, old as hell when I used to look at the big chill poster that was on my parents' basement wall all the time while I was growing up.

Elliott Kalan

[11:32] Yeah.

[11:32] I mean, well, they were particular...

[11:33] I've still never seen it.

[11:34] I feel like our parents were particularly old, 30.

[11:37] Although, actually, our grandparents' generation, when you were in your 30s, you were already...

[11:41] You were...

[11:41] You might as well have been in your 50s.

[11:43] But the...

[11:45] But there's...

[11:45] That does feel like that's the thing you do so that you get together with your friends and, like, talk about your life.

[11:50] And, like, what's going on?

[11:51] And where you've been.

[11:52] You know, what you hope to do.

[11:53] I was...

Stuart Wellington

[11:53] Luckily, we do that every two weeks.

[11:56] Yeah, that's true.

[11:57] So we don't have to do that right now here, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[11:59] But earlier in the day, my friend Brock Mahan, who's also here with us, hoped he would be a special guest.

[12:05] But he saw the microphones coming out and immediately booked it for some other place to be.

[12:10] Leaving a Brock-shaped cloud of dust.

[12:13] He and I went to college together and we did briefly talk about which of our college classmates we still keep in touch with.

[12:18] And I was like, this is the kind of thing people in their 40s do.

[12:20] Yeah.

[12:21] They reminisce about who they keep in touch with from college.

[12:24] Because otherwise, most of our talk so far this weekend has been about, like, the same stuff we talk about on the podcast.

[12:29] Just, like, movies and dumb stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[12:30] Yeah.

[12:30] We're like, oh, it's really misty out.

[12:32] I guess we're going to talk about The Fog.

[12:34] Play Misty for Me.

[12:35] Yeah.

[12:35] We talked about Peppy Le Pew for a while earlier for some reason.

[12:39] Dan was like, I don't think he should be canceled.

[12:42] He's like, oh, he's got a big heart.

Elliott Kalan

[12:45] This game that we play with.

[12:47] I think it's a crime to love too much.

Dan McCoy

[12:48] We try and get Dan in trouble.

Elliott Kalan

[12:50] No, we all agree that he's not a good character.

[12:53] And not just problematic, but just a dumb, bad character.

Dan McCoy

[12:55] It was funny.

[12:57] Also, Elliot's brother, David, the famous David, last name withheld, Kalen, was here.

[13:01] Here briefly, yeah.

[13:02] And I told him earlier what a pleasure it was.

[13:04] Because I realized, like, I'm the youngest.

[13:06] And I had never had the-

[13:08] In your family.

[13:08] In my family.

[13:09] Not on this podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[13:10] Not in the world.

Dan McCoy

[13:11] In my family, I'm the youngest brother.

[13:13] It's not like a children of men.

Elliott Kalan

[13:14] Dan was the last one born.

[13:16] And so he's famous now, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[13:17] And so I never had the pleasure of, like, bullying, like, a younger sibling or a friend of a younger sibling.

[13:24] But with David around, we could all gang up against him rather than the usual, which is you two gang up against me.

[13:29] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[13:30] I'm glad that that was like a fantasy camp for you for a little bit.

Stuart Wellington

[13:32] Well, it's also because David has a tendency to just, like, throw himself into the conversation.

[13:37] And I'm like, uh-oh.

[13:39] He's going to talk about fucking cinnamon again.

[13:41] He was talking about how much he loved cinnamon as a spice for a good ten minutes.

[13:44] Hey, I think that's the kind of personal information he doesn't want us to reveal on this podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[13:47] You can watch my fucking hair turn whiter as he kept talking.

[13:51] But it's also something where it's like, I've known him for 36 years.

[13:55] I was, this was news to me that he was such a big fan of cinnamon.

[13:59] I was like, well, so I'm still learning things about my family members.

[14:01] This is great.

S4

[14:07] This week on Tights and Fights, Austin Creed, better known as WWE superstar Xavier Woods, unbalancing his many passions.

S5

[14:16] This dude actually wants these ridiculous things.

[14:19] He wants to wear a crown.

[14:20] He wants to be at G4.

[14:21] He wants to have a yacht rock band.

[14:23] Like, he wants to DJ at a festival one day.

S4

[14:26] WWE and G4's Austin Creed on Tights and Fights.

[14:31] Find it on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

S6

[14:36] Hello, I'm Riley Smurl.

[14:38] I'm Sydney McElroy.

[14:39] And I'm Taylor Smurl.

[14:40] And we host Still Buffering, a cross-generational guide to the culture that made us.

[14:45] Every week, we share media that made us who we are.

[14:48] Things like Archie Comics.

[14:50] Sailor Moon.

[14:52] And lots of Taylor Swift.

[14:54] And now that Riley's an adult, it comes with 100% more butts.

[14:58] And now I am totally comfortable with it.

[15:01] So check out new episodes of Still Buffering every Thursday on MaximumFun.org.

[15:07] Butts, butts, butts.

[15:08] Join in, Riley.

[15:09] Butts, butts, butts, butts, butts.

[15:11] Butts, butts, butts, butts, butts, butts, butts, butts, butts.

[15:12] Let's get back to something about movies.

Elliott Kalan

[15:19] Okay.

[15:19] So people are totally upset by this.

[15:22] What are things about, what did movies teach you about, yeah, growing up and being grownups, basically?

[15:28] Oh, geez.

[15:29] I mean, because movies do teach you that being, growing up is bad.

[15:33] Like, you look at a movie like Hook, and that's just one movie.

[15:35] But the message of that movie is like, this man shouldn't put any time into his job.

[15:40] He should be a kid who gets into food fights.

Stuart Wellington

[15:41] I mean, I think it was, I think I'm plagiarizing a mutual friend, Matt Bird, when I say that

[15:49] I feel like a movie like Highlander taught me that part of growing up is going to wrestling

[15:53] shows by yourself and then going to live in the antique shop that you own and live above.

Dan McCoy

[15:58] Well, the movie, This Is 40 taught me that when I was 40, I would have no real problems,

[16:04] but I would make like a two plus hour movie about it for some reason.

[16:07] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[16:08] It would be a lot of you just like goofing around.

[16:10] Yeah.

[16:10] But it's true.

[16:12] Movies did teach me, I mean, there's a book out called Never Can Say Goodbye, where I have

[16:18] an essay about this, that movies taught me what life was like as a grown up and specifically

[16:22] like what it was like to live as a grown up in New York.

[16:25] And that one of the most exciting parts of Ghostbusters for me as a kid was Dana coming

[16:29] home with her groceries in her apartment and just being like, she has her own apartment.

[16:33] And it's like, there's all these people around her, so she's not lonely, but like she could

[16:36] just close the door and put her groceries away.

[16:38] Like that's what a grown up does.

[16:40] And I can only buy two bags of groceries because I have to be able to carry them.

Stuart Wellington

[16:43] I remember there was in my early twenties, there was a brief period of time after my girlfriend

[16:49] broke up with me and moved away.

[16:50] I'm so sorry to get there.

[16:51] You okay?

[16:51] I mean, hey, I'm better off for it, obviously.

[16:54] And I was in the apartment by myself before my new roommate moved in.

[16:59] So I had a few days and it was like the first time I had an entire apartment just for me.

[17:04] And it was like, it was exactly the same thing where I'm like, whoa, I can do whatever I want.

[17:09] Yeah.

[17:10] This is mine.

[17:12] I mean, not mine, mine.

[17:13] It was the landlord's.

[17:14] No, but I understand.

[17:15] Yeah, you were renting that space.

[17:16] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[17:17] But yeah, so I'm trying to think what else movies taught me about growing up.

[17:20] But there's almost, there's very few movies that I feel like are about like growing up and

[17:25] being like, yeah, I'm glad I grew up, which is the way I feel.

[17:28] I like being an adult much more than I like being a kid.

Stuart Wellington

[17:30] I assumed I was going to wear suits all the time.

[17:32] Yeah.

[17:33] And that I would have a lot of opinions about cars and the market and things like that.

[17:39] And I don't.

[17:40] I'm trying to think like.

[17:42] I'm sorry.

Dan McCoy

[17:43] No, I mean, like I have a lot of worries just like in the form of just sort of free-floating

[17:48] anxiety.

[17:49] But I'm realizing that like, I don't, I rarely have like these conceptions of the future.

[17:54] Like, I'm just like, I don't know.

[17:56] I float through life in an eternal presence.

Elliott Kalan

[17:59] I mean, but that's pretty nice.

[18:00] I mean, that's, if anyone would agree with you, it's, would agree with that.

[18:03] It's the Buddha right here.

[18:05] This enormous Buddha that's looking down on us.

Stuart Wellington

[18:08] Is he smiling?

[18:09] I don't know.

[18:10] I can't tell.

[18:10] It's very cryptic.

[18:11] He's the size of.

[18:11] He's the Mona Buddha.

Dan McCoy

[18:12] Just to give a little context, I would say maybe like two of us would, special guests

[18:20] that rooster bottle.

Elliott Kalan

[18:21] Two of us being a Buddha sitting on shoulders.

[18:25] We're being Buddha.

[18:28] Yeah.

[18:29] Get back.

[18:29] We're being a Buddha.

Dan McCoy

[18:32] Yeah.

[18:32] I wonder how much the rooster gets picked up on the.

[18:35] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[18:35] If you can hear there's a lot of, there's farm animals in the distance.

[18:37] There's a constant.

[18:38] That's the Topanga rooster.

[18:39] Crow.

[18:40] Yeah.

[18:40] I mean, I'd rather that crow than some, some ghost that came back for revenge.

[18:44] That's true.

[18:45] Crow.

[18:46] Crow.

Stuart Wellington

[18:46] I mean, he is really cool looking.

Elliott Kalan

[18:49] I will say that.

[18:50] Yeah, it's true.

[18:51] I will say growing older is made a little easy by the fact that my generation has decided

[18:55] as a group that we will never let go of the things that we liked as children.

[18:59] And so the stuff I liked as a kid still is the dominant pop culture, if anything more

[19:04] so than it used to when I was a kid.

[19:05] Yeah.

[19:05] The dominant paradigm.

Dan McCoy

[19:06] No, that's like, especially with the podcast, with the pandemic, gee, I'm like equating

[19:12] a wonderful thing and a terrible thing.

[19:14] Yeah, this pandemic has been great.

[19:15] This podcast is a chore.

[19:17] With the pandemic, like even more so than normal, I feel like I've been taking refuge in the

[19:23] most nostalgic, like pop culture.

[19:26] You know, like if I just want to comfort myself, I find myself looking for something from my

[19:33] youth that I maybe haven't caught yet or something that recaptures the vibe of when I was young.

[19:38] Sure.

[19:39] And so much of my time is like spent obsessing over that and then getting disgusted at myself

[19:44] for living in the past.

[19:45] For still being in that.

[19:46] That way.

Elliott Kalan

[19:47] But at this point, the way culture is, and there's a lot bad about it, and I've been reading

[19:52] a lot lately about algorithms and cultural stagnation and nostalgia stagnation.

Stuart Wellington

[19:56] Not just to better understand the motivations of algae, rhythm, and space jam.

[19:59] I mean, that's how I got into it.

Elliott Kalan

[20:01] I was like, I want to know more about this guy.

[20:02] Where'd he come from?

[20:03] But it's hard for me to go a day without seeing a picture of Spider-Man, and that's not in

[20:09] my house.

[20:10] That's outside in the world.

[20:11] There's just Spider-Man everywhere.

[20:13] And the fact that I go to work and my coworkers are like, Elliot, can you explain this thing

[20:17] about Dune to us?

[20:18] And I'm like, did I make a wish on a monkey's ball?

Stuart Wellington

[20:21] This is my dream, but at the same time, it's a little bit of a curse.

[20:24] Yeah, it definitely feels like, similar to like, growing up, there was the feeling like

[20:29] nerds were the stepped-on class, and now that is clearly not the case.

[20:33] Now nerds are the bully class.

Elliott Kalan

[20:34] I mean, nerds as individuals, I'm sure, are still stepped-on.

[20:38] Yeah, yeah.

[20:38] But that nerd culture is now the bully culture that is hitting the rest of the world and saying,

[20:44] why are you hitting yourself?

[20:47] But it's just a, it makes me wonder about, so when my dad, I remember very well when

[20:52] my dad turned 40, and it was like a big event, and it was very, like, it seemed very strange,

[20:56] and he, you know, was very like, oh, I can't blame I'm 40, da-da-da-da.

[20:59] And I would ask him questions about the stuff I'm interested in, and he would not know it.

[21:03] He would tell me all the stuff he was interested in, and I wouldn't understand it.

[21:06] But now, the stuff I'm interested in-

[21:07] Mainly Steely Dan, right?

[21:08] Well, I mean, with my dad, it was the Beatles were up top, and then a step below them was

[21:14] Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel.

[21:16] Okay.

[21:16] And then a step below that was Final Countdown by Europe.

[21:19] No other songs by Europe, just Final Countdown.

[21:21] Yeah, yeah.

[21:21] And then there was a kind of floating cycle of, that he would go through of Jethro Tull and

[21:28] Queen and Styx.

[21:31] Like, that was, so my dad was never really into Steely Dan, but he associated things.

[21:35] Sure, yeah, yeah.

[21:35] He was way ahead of the curve on Queen.

[21:37] I remember when Wayne's World came out, and everybody was suddenly into Bohemian Rhapsody.

[21:40] I was like, you mean my dad's song that we're always listening to, that my dad's always playing?

[21:45] But it's, I feel like now, the things I'm into, many of them are the same as the things my

[21:50] children are into.

[21:52] And so it's, being 40, it doesn't feel as separate and farther from youth, because it's

[21:57] not like they're talking about, they're not yet old enough to be talking about music

[22:01] acts that I've never heard of.

[22:02] So when they're teenagers, then I'll feel really old.

[22:04] But I'll be in my 50s by then.

[22:05] I will be old.

[22:05] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[22:06] I mean, I guess that was going to be my follow-up is, looking forward 10 years, what

[22:11] do you expect your 50th birthday to look like?

Elliott Kalan

[22:14] I think it'll go a little something like this.

[22:18] Can you guys see the fantasy in my mind?

[22:20] Uh-huh.

[22:21] Uh-huh.

[22:21] Okay.

[22:22] Yeah.

[22:22] Oh.

[22:24] Oh.

Dan McCoy

[22:25] Oh.

Elliott Kalan

[22:27] No, I mean, I imagine my life will be, I mean, one thing that will be different from my

[22:32] past birthdays is, I own my own home now.

[22:34] So I'm not going anywhere.

[22:35] So in 10 years, my setting will be the same.

[22:38] But I think, you know, I'll just have older kids and hopefully I'll have moved higher in

[22:43] my career.

[22:43] But other than that, it'll probably be the same.

[22:45] I'm not going to be the same.

[22:51] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[22:54] I feel like that's the main reason we're still doing it.

Stuart Wellington

[22:57] It's because nobody has told us to stop doing it.

[23:00] And we're like, okay, I guess we're going to meet every two weeks.

Dan McCoy

[23:03] I mean, it's one of those.

[23:04] Please don't tell us to stop doing this, by the way.

[23:06] Because I count on the income currently.

[23:08] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[23:09] Just tweet at us with the hashtag Stop Flop.

[23:11] I mean, I guess if I wanted to see somebody telling me to stop doing it, I'd just go to

[23:14] like Reddit or some shit.

[23:15] Oh, there's a lot of that.

Elliott Kalan

[23:16] Yeah.

[23:17] I think that I haven't listened to old episodes of this podcast in a while.

[23:22] I don't recommend people necessarily going back and doing that.

[23:24] But like one of the things that I always loved about old movies is that because they were

[23:28] old, I could see the performers aging.

[23:32] I didn't have to wait.

[23:32] I'm not.

[23:33] By the time Timothee Chalamet is an old man, I'll be dead.

[23:35] So I'm not going to see what that's like.

Stuart Wellington

[23:36] Is he going to look kind of weird the way that Leonardo DiCaprio looks kind of weird?

[23:40] Like.

[23:40] I mean, Leonardo DiCaprio just looks like a man who's aged and gotten a little rounder.

[23:43] I don't know if he's that weird.

[23:44] No, but I mean like.

[23:45] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[23:45] He looks like a man who is his age.

Stuart Wellington

[23:47] Leonardo DiCaprio, who I like as an actor in many things, but I feel like.

[23:51] But you like him even more as a celebrity poker player.

[23:53] But no, but.

[23:56] No, but like I feel like if he had not been a star when he was younger, I don't know if

[24:01] he would have been picked to be a star now.

Elliott Kalan

[24:04] I don't know that he would be a movie opening star.

[24:06] Yeah.

[24:07] But if he had not been a beautiful young man that people took to.

[24:10] Yeah.

[24:10] But he would still be a very well-respected and employed actor.

[24:14] You know.

[24:14] Yeah, I mean he's a great actor.

[24:15] He's a great actor, yeah.

[24:16] But I feel like if he's, he reminds me of not quite the exact same, but a little bit

[24:20] like Colin Farrell where it was like the older he gets and the less people are distracted

[24:24] by his looks, the better he gets to.

[24:27] The more interesting things he gets to do as an actor, the better he gets.

[24:29] Yeah, absolutely.

[24:29] You know.

Stuart Wellington

[24:30] Well, or.

[24:30] But then like you look at somebody like George Clooney who didn't really become famous famous

[24:34] until.

[24:35] He was already in his.

[24:36] Yeah, he was in his 30s.

[24:36] Yeah.

[24:37] Yeah.

[24:37] Or almost middle age.

Elliott Kalan

[24:38] Yeah.

[24:38] But he had been acting, you know, on Baby Talk and Facts of Life.

[24:42] Return of the Killer Tomatoes.

[24:43] Return of the Killer Tomatoes.

[24:44] And Grizzly, right?

[24:45] Or Paws.

[24:46] He's in that.

[24:46] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[24:46] Yeah.

[24:46] Grizzly too.

[24:47] Grizzly too.

[24:48] Yeah.

[24:48] And he, in the, in the TV mini series of Centennial.

[24:51] Oh.

[24:51] I believe he plays a guy carrying a barrel at one point.

Stuart Wellington

[24:54] Oh.

[24:54] Oh, wow.

[24:55] Is that, was that his credit or is that just your description?

Elliott Kalan

[24:58] No, I think the credit is man carrying a barrel.

[24:59] I've lost the thread.

Stuart Wellington

[25:00] Was there a question originally that we got?

Elliott Kalan

[25:02] Well, Leonardo DiCaprio, I think Stuart was trying to rag on Leonardo DiCaprio and I,

[25:05] Yeah, yeah.

[25:06] Well, I'm trying to nag Leo.

Stuart Wellington

[25:07] So he calls me up.

[25:08] He's like, hey, you want to come hang out on my yacht?

[25:10] I'm like, I don't know.

[25:11] This seems creepy.

[25:13] But I was.

[25:14] Which I'm still nagging him.

[25:15] That's the thing.

[25:15] It's a long game.

[25:16] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[25:16] But I was saying that it's a very long game.

[25:18] It's a, I was saying that, uh, I, one thing that's interesting to me if I ever go back

[25:23] and listen to it is that this podcast has been such a document of how our lives

[25:27] have changed since, you know, since we were in our 20s.

[25:29] Uh-huh.

[25:29] Yeah.

[25:29] It's something that, again, I have, it's more interesting to me as a, as a concept that

[25:33] exists in the world than it's something I actually want to go back and experience.

[25:36] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[25:36] Future documentaries that are going to be made about us.

Elliott Kalan

[25:40] For, for flop back.

[25:41] You're going to have all this rich audio.

[25:42] When we get yesified.

[25:43] The brain of Peter Jackson in a robot body.

[25:46] Mm-hmm.

[25:46] It cuts all the footage together.

[25:48] Uh, and it's just lots of conversations and things.

Stuart Wellington

[25:51] And I'll be still complaining that the brain of Peter Jackson in a robot body isn't

[25:55] making, uh, homemade zombie movies and only makes big movies.

Elliott Kalan

[25:58] I mean, but if he made, but he started doing a Silmarillion movie, you'd be excited, right?

[26:02] Yeah, always.

[26:03] Cause I can't help it.

Dan McCoy

[26:06] So, uh, speaking of being in your 40s, my, uh, legs are both, uh, totally asleep.

[26:13] From sitting crisscross applesauce.

[26:14] Yeah.

[26:14] On this thing.

[26:16] Were we going to get people to wish Elliot a happy birthday?

[26:19] I mean, I think we're going to try.

Stuart Wellington

[26:19] So what we're going to do is we're going to say thank you for listening, everybody.

[26:23] Uh, thank you for the 40 years of following Elliot.

[26:25] Hey, Caitlin, it's really important to us.

[26:26] I mean, I've never known if they've followed me since I was born.

Elliott Kalan

[26:28] Um, so where...

[26:29] It reminds me of, so this is something, so it reminds me of, this is, uh, uh, something

[26:33] I, I think I have on video.

[26:34] Just roll over and lie in your tummy.

[26:35] I am.

[26:36] I think I have on video somewhere, but I'm not sure.

[26:38] When I had my...

Stuart Wellington

[26:39] That's only partially, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[26:41] When I had my, when I turned 25 and I did a comedy show that was celebrating 25 years

[26:46] of Kalen and John Oliver came and delivered a eulogy.

[26:50] So I had a thing that was like, I was like, let me see what happened in the 25 years I was

[26:55] alive.

[26:55] And I'd cut together a montage of like new Coke and E.T. or whatever.

[26:59] And then it was like, it was like Jesse Owens winning at the 36 Olympics.

[27:03] And then, and then it, and then it ended with, with my name and the dates 1981 to 2006.

[27:08] And then, uh, and then John Oliver came up and delivered a eulogy for me.

[27:12] And I was like, but I'm not dead.

[27:12] And he was like, don't make this any harder than it already is.

[27:15] But, uh, this is what this reminds me of.

Stuart Wellington

[27:18] So let's, uh, let's wish Elliot a happy birthday, everybody.

[27:21] Happy birthday.

[27:23] Dan is entirely lying down on his back now.

Elliott Kalan

[27:28] Wait, are they coming down?

[27:30] Are they coming down?

[27:31] Hopefully the mics picked that up.

[27:33] Well, I mean, they're walking over now slowly.

[27:34] I'll paint a word picture.

[27:36] We're still in this deck.

[27:38] Now the significant, significant others of two of the hosts are arriving.

Stuart Wellington

[27:42] Yeah.

[27:42] Just take the microphone from Dan who is up.

[27:45] That one's not plugged in.

[27:46] I mean, yeah.

[27:47] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[27:47] You might want to take that mic from Dan so he doesn't choke on it.

[27:49] The mic from me.

[27:49] This is Audrey.

[27:50] Hello, Audrey.

S6

[27:53] Hi.

[27:53] Hi, everybody.

[27:55] Hi, Elliot.

[27:56] Oh, thanks.

Stuart Wellington

[27:58] Charlene, you want to wish?

S6

[27:59] Happy birthday, Elliot.

[28:01] Thank you to you and your wife for inviting us to this beautiful house and letting us spend

[28:06] your 40th birthday with you.

Elliott Kalan

[28:07] Oh, no problem.

[28:08] My pleasure.

[28:08] I like how this went from a podcast to just like the video that you watch from your wedding.

S6

[28:12] And Brock, why don't you give us a little...

Stuart Wellington

[28:14] Hey.

[28:15] Happy birthday, Elliot.

[28:16] Oh, thanks.

[28:16] I'm honored to be here.

[28:19] I'm...

[28:19] It was really nice listening to this mini get taped.

Elliott Kalan

[28:25] As you tried to relax below us on a different deck.

[28:27] Yeah.

[28:27] Did I spill coffee on you?

[28:29] No.

[28:29] You hit Buddha.

Stuart Wellington

[28:30] Oh, no.

[28:31] Poor Buddha.

[28:32] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[28:32] Lounging Buddha's got a puddle of Keurig coffee.

[28:37] Oh, no.

[28:37] Where his mystical sphere should be.

[28:38] They do say when you meet the Buddha on the road, pour coffee on him.

Stuart Wellington

[28:43] Not to that.

[28:44] No.

[28:45] But, yeah, I'm really happy that we can spend this time celebrating.

[28:51] Oh, thank you.

[28:51] 40 years of Elliot Gantlin.

Elliott Kalan

[28:52] It's especially special not to throw shade on any of you guys.

[28:55] Especially hear it from Brock, who is...

[28:56] I've known longer than anyone else here.

[28:58] I mean, now that my brother's not with us.

[28:59] Why are you looking directly at me while you say that?

[29:02] Because he's sitting behind me.

S6

[29:03] I can't do anything about not knowing you sooner, Elliot.

[29:06] I'm sorry.

[29:07] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[29:07] Yeah.

[29:08] Thanks.

[29:08] But Brock is my, I think, third oldest friend that I'm still in touch with.

[29:14] If you work a little harder, you can get to number two.

[29:17] Just go after my college roommate, Brian.

[29:19] And he's number two.

[29:22] Number one, you're never...

[29:23] Now I know who I have to take out.

[29:25] Yeah, list them all, Elliot.

Stuart Wellington

[29:27] Just for research.

[29:28] Oh, boy.

Elliott Kalan

[29:29] Okay.

[29:29] Well, there's...

[29:30] But, yeah.

[29:31] So, I've known you guys for a long, long time.

[29:34] I've known you guys for, what, almost 20 years.

[29:38] 16 or so years?

[29:39] 17 years?

[29:40] Yeah.

[29:40] I mean...

[29:41] And I've known Brock for 20 years.

[29:45] Or 22 years.

[29:46] Yeah.

[29:46] So, yeah, that's right.

[29:47] So, it's great to be with people that I care so much about.

[29:51] And I know so much.

[29:52] And I've known for so long and feel so close to.

[29:54] My wife, of course, is somewhere else right now.

[29:55] I would include her in that, certainly.

[29:57] Yeah.

[29:58] But I haven't known her as long as I've known you guys.

Stuart Wellington

[30:00] So, from us to you, thank you so much for listening.

[30:04] This is a product of maximum fun.

[30:06] Don't hold them accountable.

[30:08] No, this is...

[30:08] Thank you to Alexander Smith for probably putting a little bit of editing juice on this.

[30:14] Alex, whenever it's getting too slow or too real, just put a...

[30:17] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[30:19] Slop a little juice in there.

[30:20] Good doing.

[30:21] Yeah.

[30:21] Trip.

Elliott Kalan

[30:22] Yes, I think this is...

[30:24] Stuart, is this just so you can write off this trip?

Stuart Wellington

[30:27] I mean, you can do it now.

[30:28] Sign off.

[30:29] Sign off.

[30:30] Okay.

[30:32] Bye.

FH Mini 45 - Live from Elliott's 40th

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