FH Mini 49 - YOU Choose a Commentary

[0:00] Excuse me.

Elliott Kalan

[0:05] Shouldn't have had the spicy clams tonight.

[0:08] It's backing up on you.

Dan McCoy

[0:09] You know what?

[0:10] We did eat mussels.

[0:12] The cat?

[0:12] Stuart's cat, mussels.

[0:14] Thank fucking God.

[0:16] It would make me really sad if my cat was eaten by my friend.

Elliott Kalan

[0:20] But worse than if the cat was eaten by a stranger, right?

[0:23] Because at least you know it wasn't scared.

Stuart Wellington

[0:26] That's true.

[0:27] I don't know.

[0:28] I feel like a stranger would see a delicious cat and would just want to gobble it up.

[0:33] But Dan would at least halt for a moment and be like,

[0:36] I know that cat.

Elliott Kalan

[0:37] I shouldn't gobble it up.

[0:39] How would gobbling it up affect my friendship with my close friend, Stuart?

[0:42] Well, but cats are for gobbling.

Stuart Wellington

[0:44] Yep.

[0:45] There's a chance that Dan might just steamroll right over that and just think about his tummy.

[0:49] And I get it.

Elliott Kalan

[0:50] The problem is that when Dan looks at the cat, what he sees is an enormous roast turkey.

[0:54] Yeah.

[0:55] Actually, small roast turkey because turkey is going to be bigger than cats.

[0:58] But that's what he sees.

[0:59] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:01] Hey, let's start this.

[1:02] Fucking A.

[1:03] Yeah.

[1:03] Let's do it.

[1:04] I thought we did.

[1:05] Well, I mean, it's an open question whether Alex kept any of that.

[1:10] But if not, hey, everyone, welcome to the Flophouse.

[1:13] Now, often on the Flophouse, we talk about a bad movie that we three have just watched.

[1:19] But we also have episodes that we have dubbed Flophouse minis, a name that as time goes on is more sadly ironic.

[1:30] Because the episodes are very long, you're saying.

[1:31] Yes, yes, yes.

[1:32] That was the implied nub of my gist.

[1:36] I'm Dan McCoy.

[1:36] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:37] How are you?

Stuart Wellington

[1:38] And there's the third person here.

[1:40] That's right.

[1:40] Stuart Wellington.

Dan McCoy

[1:42] Hello.

[1:42] I can see into both of your houses through my computer.

[1:47] Seems to say so.

[1:48] What we're doing on this mini.

[1:52] The Flophouse, as you know, perhaps you don't if you're listening for the first time, but many of you know, is sponsored largely by listeners.

[2:02] Upcoming, we have our MaxFun Drive where we offer bonus content to folks who, you know, become members to show their support, keep the show running.

[2:13] Shake a little extra change out of your pockets, you cheapskates.

[2:17] Wow.

[2:17] Yeah, I mean.

Elliott Kalan

[2:18] Yeah.

[2:18] In past years, I have been very thankful and I've been very kind.

[2:22] But this year, I'm all about threats.

[2:25] Threats and abuse.

[2:25] You're just going to bust skulls.

[2:27] We got to get that change.

[2:28] We got to get that cash.

Stuart Wellington

[2:29] Wow.

[2:30] Elliot's pulled out a little switchblade and he's dragging it across his beard stubble.

[2:34] Yeah.

[2:35] Well, I do need to shave.

[2:36] Like he's one of the weasels from Roger Rabbit.

Dan McCoy

[2:39] We don't want to linger too long on this because this is not the MaxFun Drive yet.

[2:47] But the point is that we provide bonus content to members.

[2:50] And this year, we wanted to do our first commentary track for a movie, you know, similar to back in ye olden days when you had DVDs and you would listen to the director's commentary.

Stuart Wellington

[3:02] Yeah, you'd fire up your DVD of Blade 2 and you'd hear Guillermo del Toro and Wesley Snipes talk about how Blade needs to get laid more often.

[3:11] That was the original plot of the third one, Blade 3, Blade Gets Laid.

[3:14] That's what Wesley Snipes suggests.

[3:17] That's the exact title.

[3:21] Not jokes.

[3:22] This is a factual podcast at this point.

Elliott Kalan

[3:26] We've yet to equal – you went to enter the humor section.

[3:28] This is still just the informative section.

Dan McCoy

[3:31] That was very helpful because now the listener, of course, understands what a commentary is having had a great example of it provided.

Elliott Kalan

[3:40] We will be recording a movie-length audio track that you can sync up with the movie you're watching.

[3:47] And it's like you're watching the movie with us.

[3:49] Three annoying guys who will not stop talking throughout the entire movie.

[3:52] But don't worry.

[3:53] The movie will not be a good movie that you want to pay close attention to.

[3:56] It will be a bad movie that you want to hear us talking about.

Dan McCoy

[4:00] Yeah.

[4:00] And we wanted to get listeners involved in choosing which movie that we would do a commentary for.

[4:08] So we are letting you guys sort of guide the ship about which movie you'd like us to talk over.

[4:15] Now, of course, we cannot have unlimited choices.

[4:18] We're not the Amazon.com of podcasts.

[4:22] We have a pre-feme menu, Pricks Fix.

[4:25] Oh, perfect.

[4:26] Well, I mean it's just a menu, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[4:28] I mean like any restaurant you go to, they don't just hand you a blank piece of paper and say,

[4:32] write down any food and we'll go make it.

[4:34] They give you a –

[4:35] No, you're right.

[4:35] There's a narrowed selection of dishes.

[4:37] No, no.

[4:38] You're right.

[4:38] It's questionable depending on the diner in New Jersey you go to.

[4:41] But even the New Jersey diner with the thickest, phone bookiest menu still has a finite number of dishes.

[4:49] Like you can't –

Dan McCoy

[4:51] You make a good point.

[4:53] It was misleading what I was saying.

[4:54] I was trying to indicate that we just provide you with a certain choice and that's your choice.

[5:00] But if it was a Pricks Fix menu, of course, there would be multiple courses.

[5:02] With no choices.

[5:04] We're not going to provide.

[5:04] No, we're just doing the one.

[5:06] We're doing the one movie.

[5:08] But the point is we thought we would do a bracket to decide what movie.

[5:15] A tip of the cap to film spotting and blank check to find film podcasts that have also done brackets.

[5:20] Arguably better podcasts.

Elliott Kalan

[5:21] And to end a tribute to the late comedy movie star Eddie Bracken whose name sounds like bracket.

[5:27] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[5:28] Yeah.

[5:29] So we've picked 16 movies from the Flophouse's back catalog.

[5:33] These are movies that we've done.

[5:34] Episodes on.

[5:35] Or in this case, Brack catalog because it's a bracket.

[5:38] Mm-hmm.

[5:38] Good.

[5:39] Yeah.

[5:39] No.

Dan McCoy

[5:39] L.A. was right.

[5:41] Thanks, too.

[5:42] Yeah.

[5:42] Okay.

[5:43] Fact checking out.

Stuart Wellington

[5:43] No Pinocchios.

[5:44] No, I checked it.

[5:46] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[5:48] You've heard of Snopes.

[5:49] How about Stoops?

[5:50] Yeah, Stoops.

[5:51] Stoops says pants not on fire, but wouldn't it be cool if they were?

[5:55] So, Dan, we've set up a bracket of 14 choices and they're going to be going head to head, right?

[6:01] 14?

[6:02] I thought it was 16.

[6:02] 16 choices and they're going to be going head to head.

[6:05] Okay.

[6:05] You're the one who's running.

[6:06] You're the captain of the ship, Dan.

[6:07] I don't know why you let me run up and just start throwing the wheel.

[6:09] He's still this way, right?

[6:10] L.A. is very much the Gilligan of the ship.

Dan McCoy

[6:14] Yeah.

[6:14] He really...

[6:17] So, anyway, starting this Monday the 21st, we're going to be running a series of polls

[6:22] this coming week to determine the winners of the first matchups.

[6:28] And you can participate in those polls by going to the Twitter, our Twitter feed, which is

[6:34] at the Flophouse Pod.

[6:37] And, obviously, we'll have to run more polls in the early weeks as there are more contenders.

[6:45] It'll be...

[6:45] For the first week, I think it's two a day for four days is what we're looking at.

[6:50] And then as other contestants drop out, are defeated, fewer polls.

[6:56] You understand how brackets work.

[6:58] Anyway.

[6:58] It's basically four rounds, right?

[7:00] Four rounds or four weeks, I think.

[7:02] Yeah.

[7:02] Four rounds.

[7:03] And we're going to try...

[7:05] We're going to try to drop in maybe like little mini updates on where the brackets are just

[7:13] into the feed.

[7:14] Like short updates because of our production schedule, we can't always be up to date on

[7:19] what's winning.

[7:20] Yeah.

[7:20] What is this?

[7:21] Early edition?

[7:22] Yeah.

[7:23] Exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[7:24] So...

[7:25] Thanks, Elliot.

[7:27] Just want to make sure if anyone was listening, this is not the CBS show early edition.

Stuart Wellington

[7:33] Yeah.

[7:33] Because there's a chance they could have assumed it was that we already know the answers.

[7:37] Like where the current season of RuPaul's Drag Race, where every contestant when they're

[7:41] eliminated opens up a fake candy bar to see if it's chocolate or the single gold bar that

[7:46] will allow them to stay.

[7:47] But they had to like sign that shit out.

[7:49] And it's not like they're like carrying that fucking chocolate bar with them the whole time.

[7:52] So it's like the producers already know who has that shit, right?

[7:56] Right?

[7:56] And you can tell what's heavier.

Dan McCoy

[7:58] Gold or a chocolate bar, right?

[8:00] Exactly.

[8:01] I think we're doing an excellent job at explaining this.

[8:05] So we're going to...

[8:07] I actually pulled some clips.

[8:09] We're going to hear a few clips from the original time we talked about these.

[8:12] Yeah.

[8:13] Obviously.

[8:13] Let's name our competitors.

[8:15] Yeah.

[8:16] Well, obviously, when we do the commentary, it'll be a little different than like our usual

[8:22] talking afterwards.

[8:23] We'll be talking during.

[8:24] It'll be a different type of thing.

[8:25] But just to remind you, some clips from these shows and the first matchup, the first matchup,

[8:32] this is a tough one, guys, is Fateful Findings versus Bratz.

Stuart Wellington

[8:39] Round one.

[8:40] Fight.

[8:41] What about the scene where he passes out and spills coffee on his face?

[8:45] Oh, shit.

[8:46] We forgot that.

[8:47] And then he starts making a face like he loves it and he can't get enough.

Elliott Kalan

[8:50] After the car accident, he's having headaches because, of course, he would.

[8:53] He was hit by a car.

[8:54] Sure.

[8:55] And yeah, he's like, oh, and he's got coffee precariously placed on the keyboard of his laptop

[9:00] and he knocks it over.

[9:02] And he falls.

[9:03] It's like his head falls on the paper and then he knocks the coffee over there.

Dan McCoy

[9:07] Well, his head falls down and then he's like regaining consciousness and he sees his coffee

[9:11] and he's like, oh, that's what I want, coffee.

[9:13] And he tries to drink it and tips it all over his face.

Elliott Kalan

[9:15] And it just spills over everything.

[9:17] But yeah, instead of being like, ah, hot coffee on my face, his look is like, oh.

[9:22] He's like, my skin is absorbing this precious caffeine.

[9:25] I love it.

[9:25] I needed one of my patented facial caffeine baths.

[9:29] That's what will make me feel better.

[9:31] Versus.

Dan McCoy

[9:32] Let me reiterate, however, that the Bratz have now broken up as friends and gotten back together.

[9:37] Two years later.

[9:38] And it's 30 minutes into the film.

[9:40] 30 minutes in, yeah.

[9:41] What's the remaining hour and five minutes of the film, you may ask?

[9:46] Which is the running time of the movie.

[9:48] Sure.

[9:49] Without credits.

[9:50] With credits.

Elliott Kalan

[9:51] The credits includes two music videos.

[9:53] You don't want to skip the credits.

[9:55] One of them involves the piano with the word Bratz written on it in big letters.

Dan McCoy

[9:59] You'd be doing yourself a disservice, I think.

[10:01] Rural!

[10:03] So guys, what do you have to say about Faithful Fighting?

[10:05] I mean, those are two big heavy hitters.

Stuart Wellington

[10:06] Fan favorites.

[10:08] Yeah.

[10:08] I mean, obviously, I think you guys know that I'm rooting for Bratz, partly because I don't

[10:12] like signal boosting Neil Breen because he's a maniac.

Elliott Kalan

[10:16] You prefer to signal boost kind of, well, I won't even get into it.

[10:21] Never mind.

[10:21] The Bratz dolls have a number of problems with them as well.

Stuart Wellington

[10:24] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[10:25] But I don't know.

[10:26] Like, there's something joy.

[10:27] I get, there's, I don't know.

[10:29] They're both great.

[10:29] That's what I'm trying to say.

Elliott Kalan

[10:30] Well, Bratz, I remember we all saw Bratz originally and we were surprised at what an impact

[10:35] it made on us since we thought it would just be a forgettable movie.

[10:37] And Faithful Findings is a peek inside the mind of a madman.

[10:40] So, you know, choose wisely.

Dan McCoy

[10:42] They both have, you know, pretty tasty pros.

[10:47] Don't describe Bratz as tasty.

[10:49] I don't like that.

[10:50] I also love the movie, the film.

Stuart Wellington

[10:52] I've seen Bratz more times since we did the episode.

[10:55] I haven't watched Faithful Findings since we watched it for the episode.

[10:58] So that might be fun.

Dan McCoy

[10:59] Well, we did a riff show on Bratz back in the day and somewhere floating around the internet

[11:07] is the audio for that, which we never put out officially because we were worried that

[11:11] you could hear the Bratz soundtrack in the background.

[11:14] Obviously, no one really cares, but also probably didn't sound that great.

[11:18] So that's another problem.

[11:19] But, you know, we could correct history by having an official record of us watching Bratz.

[11:27] True.

Elliott Kalan

[11:27] Finally.

[11:28] For future generations or aliens to find.

Dan McCoy

[11:29] Or we could, you know, we could watch one of the strangest movies, Fateful Findings,

[11:34] that we have watched in the history of the show.

[11:37] Yeah.

[11:37] So, I think that's a strong category.

[11:42] Coming up, next category.

[11:45] Y'all ready for this?

[11:46] The Happening versus The Country Bears.

[11:50] Round one.

Stuart Wellington

[11:51] Fight.

[11:52] The best part is when they're about to go to bed and they're like, man, this lady's

[11:56] totally crazy.

[11:58] That's paraphrased, obviously.

Dan McCoy

[12:00] Not that paraphrased.

[12:01] It's pretty close.

Stuart Wellington

[12:02] And, like, they hear a noise.

[12:03] So Mark Wahlberg goes to the door and he sees the old lady in her nightgown down there and

[12:07] she's like, you're talking about stealing stuff.

[12:11] You're going to kill me.

Elliott Kalan

[12:12] And at that point, I'd be like, what the fuck are you talking about?

[12:15] Kill you?

[12:16] Mark Wahlberg doesn't say, like, no, of course not.

[12:20] What are you, crazy?

[12:20] He says, no, no, we weren't.

[12:23] No, we weren't talking about it.

[12:25] In a suspicious way.

Stuart Wellington

[12:27] He's like, I was kind of thinking of killing him.

[12:29] And, like, the next shot is him, like, waking up.

[12:32] Like, what the fuck are you talking about?

[12:33] It's like, you're trying to kill me, aren't you?

[12:36] No, no, no, don't you?

Elliott Kalan

[12:39] Well, time to go to bed.

[12:41] Versus.

[12:42] This is followed by a lovely intervlude where Christopher Walken wearing a three-piece

[12:46] suit without the jacket from the waist up and boxer shorts from the waist down is just

[12:50] smashing models of the Country Bear Hall over and over again.

[12:54] And each time he smashes it and goes, oh, no, Bear Hall.

[12:57] And then smashes it again.

[12:58] Oh, no, Bear Hall.

[13:00] And it is delightful.

Stuart Wellington

[13:02] It's so great.

Elliott Kalan

[13:05] It's like, how is this not a gift that I've seen attached to things?

[13:08] Just him going, oh, smashing it and going, oh, no.

[13:11] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[13:11] And then he just dumps the smashed pieces on a pile of smashed pieces.

[13:15] And I couldn't tell.

Elliott Kalan

[13:16] Is he in a building or is he in, like, a trailer of a truck made up to look inside, like, an office?

[13:21] I couldn't quite tell where he was.

[13:23] Yeah.

[13:23] He's inside all of us.

Stuart Wellington

[13:25] We're out!

[13:28] Well, I mean, Country Bears is fresher in my mind since we watched it more recently.

[13:32] And obviously, I'd like to get drunk as shit with Dan and watch Country Bears and talk about it.

[13:39] But I also haven't seen the happening in a long time.

[13:42] And I hear that Jeremy Strong is in it from TV Succession.

[13:46] So I'd like to see that.

Elliott Kalan

[13:47] The happening, it was years and years ago that we watched it.

[13:50] But there are moments that are burned in my brain.

[13:52] A guy just lying down in front of a lawnmower because he's given up on life thanks to the hypnotic pollen.

[13:57] And, of course, the scene where Mark Wahlberg has to deny he's trying to set up an old woman to kill and rob her.

[14:03] And it sounds like he really was going to do that because his denial is so bad.

[14:09] But, yeah, the Country Bears was also a surprising amount of joy for a, what you have to admit, kind of a cynically probably greenlit movie based on a Disney attraction.

Dan McCoy

[14:21] Yeah, well, I mean, that's the thing.

[14:23] Like, the happening, obviously, M. Night Shyamalan, multiple movies that we've done of his.

[14:29] That's what M stands for, multiple night Shyamalan.

[14:31] Yeah, and the happening is kind of the consensus pick for, like, what is, like, the funny, bad Shyamalan movie.

[14:41] Country Bears, by this point, I've seen twice.

[14:45] The first time I laughed so much, and then the second time.

[14:49] You cried.

[14:50] You know, I went, I was like, is this good?

[14:54] Was, like, was my response wrong before?

[14:58] That it wasn't just, like, that it was silly, but is it actually good?

[15:02] It's hard to tell sometimes.

Stuart Wellington

[15:04] And if he watches it a third time, maybe he'll, that love will turn to hate.

[15:08] And he's like, this movie must be destroyed.

Elliott Kalan

[15:11] Yeah, it caused a lot of comment, Dan, when your top ten list for Sight and Sound's annual poll put Country Bears at number one.

Dan McCoy

[15:19] And Vertigo at number two.

Elliott Kalan

[15:21] Number three, of course, Bikini Car Wash Company.

Dan McCoy

[15:23] There was a lot of representation of City Bears on the list already, and I thought, you know what?

[15:28] The Flyover Bears are not going to be ignored.

[15:30] Thank you.

[15:32] Here is a, this is a monster matchup.

[15:36] Flyover Bears, Monsters, what is this, Born?

[15:38] By James Vandermeer?

[15:39] I mean, that, oh yeah, great movie.

[15:41] That literal.

Stuart Wellington

[15:42] And by movie, I mean book, which is a movie for your eyeballs to look at, which is also what you do with movies.

[15:49] I'm saving it.

[15:50] I'm dancing.

Elliott Kalan

[15:54] That is the equivalent of someone running across a rope bridge as it falls.

Dan McCoy

[16:01] All right, you ready for this?

[16:03] Yeah, yeah.

[16:03] Here it is.

[16:05] Food fight versus a talking cat?

[16:10] Wow.

[16:10] Round one, fight.

Elliott Kalan

[16:13] It's almost like somebody heard the idea of Toy Story, then got hit in the head with like an eye beam,

[16:20] and then like mumbled this while they were in surgery because they didn't give them enough anesthetic to keep them under.

Dan McCoy

[16:26] You know what children love?

[16:28] They love the grocery store, and more than that, they love the cast of characters.

[16:33] That you want.

Elliott Kalan

[16:33] It opens with this elderly grocer shutting down the store for the night, and as the lights go out, there's this plaintive music as if like, well, the fun's over for the day.

[16:43] Carnival's leading town for another year.

[16:46] This world of magic and whimsy that is a food store.

[16:50] This is preceded, by the way, by not even a real title screen.

[16:53] There's just like an animated thing that says food fight, just like a DVD menu screen.

[16:58] Versus the talking cat.

[17:00] Yeah.

[17:01] Duffy, who is a stray cat who wanders around, and he's like the Incredible Hulk in the TV show.

[17:06] He just wanders into people's lives and fixes them.

[17:08] Here's the thing.

[17:09] Does he talk?

[17:10] Usually he just thinks out loud in a kind of Garfield way, but...

[17:13] And we hear it.

[17:14] And all the way do we hear it.

[17:16] We are privy to his internal monologue.

[17:17] We hear every soliloquy about how much he loves the woods and hates what he calls beeping machines,

[17:22] which sometimes seem to mean phones and sometimes mean computers.

[17:24] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[17:25] The thing is, Elliot, the line is blurred between those two things.

[17:28] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[17:29] More and more these days.

[17:30] What is a phone but a computer in your pocket?

[17:32] And what is a book but a movie in your mind?

Dan McCoy

[17:34] But all of his monologues seem to be like a combination of pseudo-poetic dialogue that

[17:40] has been written for Eric Roberts, and maybe Eric Roberts just improvising, whatever he's

[17:44] thinking about at the time.

[17:45] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[17:46] Oh, God.

[17:49] Well, any opportunity I can not watch food fight would be sweet.

Elliott Kalan

[17:54] Yeah, that's a matchup for The Misbegotten, a talking cat, a movie that fails to even reach

[17:59] the bare minimum standards of a movie.

[18:02] And food fight, which is like shoving a knife in your eyes.

Stuart Wellington

[18:04] Yeah, like hopefully people will vote for a talking cat so that I don't have to lose these

[18:09] baby blues.

Dan McCoy

[18:11] You know, yeah, this is one of those matchups.

[18:15] Well, I mean, it's not necessarily the matchup.

Elliott Kalan

[18:16] Well, yeah, it doesn't matter who wins, we lose.

Dan McCoy

[18:20] Well, kind of.

[18:21] But also, like, when you put this up against the other movies that are on the bracket, we're

[18:27] really going to see about whether people voting want to give us a good experience or what

[18:33] they like to do is to, like, you know, make us choose the shittiest thing.

Stuart Wellington

[18:39] Because if food fight wins, then I'm just going to spend the whole time regretting not staring

[18:43] directly at the sun when there's that last solar eclipse.

Elliott Kalan

[18:47] And I want to remind people that to get the full benefit out of an audio commentary, you

[18:51] should be watching the movie at the same time.

[18:53] So you would have to fight.

[18:55] You'd have to watch food fight also.

[18:57] Yeah.

[18:57] I was about to say you would have to fight food watch, which I'd rather do than watch

[19:01] food fight.

[19:01] I'd rather fight a food watch.

Dan McCoy

[19:03] So, okay, the next matchup is a little, I would say that these are not necessarily the

[19:12] movies that people talk about a lot if they happen to talk about old episodes of movies

[19:18] that sounded just, you know, like off the charts.

[19:21] But they are, they have the power that maybe they could be sleeper choices.

[19:29] All right, we got here.

[19:30] It's Easy Rider 2, The Ride Home.

[19:34] Now, this is the movie where I just...

Elliott Kalan

[19:36] That's a dumb one.

[19:36] For people who have forgotten, I remind people that this is a movie made by people who bought

[19:40] the rights to the Easy Rider name.

[19:42] Made a sequel that was, in essence, the exact opposite of what the first movie was, both

[19:48] plot-wise and politically, and released it as Easy Rider 2, The Ride Back.

[19:52] And there's a great montage at the end that involves just a shot of an old man getting

[19:56] a haircut.

Stuart Wellington

[19:56] Yeah, and there's that scene where the old man is like, like the full emotional

[20:00] weight hits him and his lower lip quivers to such an extreme state.

Dan McCoy

[20:06] All right, wait, wait.

[20:07] Save it.

[20:08] Don't talk to him.

[20:08] We haven't, we haven't even done the full matchup yet.

[20:10] Easy Rider 2, The Ride Home versus Street Fighter, The Legend of Chun-Li.

[20:18] Round one.

[20:20] Fight.

Elliott Kalan

[20:21] Motorcycle Bandit says, hey, I don't drink this shit.

[20:24] You go sell it to someone else and give me the money.

[20:27] That's not how it works.

[20:28] That's not how bars work.

[20:31] It's not like you now have ownership of the beer and you're going to outsource to the bartender

[20:34] to resell it.

Stuart Wellington

[20:37] Like, I can't handle the acid in that tomato-based drink.

Elliott Kalan

[20:41] You take it back.

[20:42] Maybe someone got sprayed by a skunk and get bored on him.

Dan McCoy

[20:45] Can I exchange this for store credit?

[20:48] I don't think so.

[20:55] Don't you have like a token I can use against this?

[20:58] Just give me two free plays on the jukebox.

Elliott Kalan

[21:01] Call it square.

[21:03] Okay, tell you what.

[21:04] You take back the drink and I'll pay a dollar.

[21:06] Give me like a hot dog.

Stuart Wellington

[21:09] It's not how it works.

[21:10] This is not a party.

[21:12] Have you seen the hot dog?

Elliott Kalan

[21:13] No exchanges, sir.

[21:14] It says it right over there.

[21:16] And another guy walks up.

[21:17] Yeah, I decided I don't want half this shot of whiskey.

[21:20] Can I get like a bucket of popcorn?

[21:23] We don't exchange, sir.

[21:24] No exchanges.

Stuart Wellington

[21:25] I ate a quarter of this pickled egg.

[21:27] Will you take it back?

[21:28] Can you?

[21:30] It isn't as it was advertised.

[21:32] I was expecting more pickled juice.

[21:34] Can I get a partial refund?

Elliott Kalan

[21:37] Versus.

[21:38] And while she's there, she knocks out a bunch of gunmen by kicking them while swinging around the stripper pole.

Dan McCoy

[21:43] Again, sounds more exciting than it is.

Elliott Kalan

[21:45] Yeah, it's really not.

[21:47] And Moon Bloodgood says to him, like, maybe she's just an angry stripper.

[21:51] And Chris Klein's like, oh, yeah, an irate pole dancer decided to go ahead.

[21:58] And it's like, sorry, the levels are off the charts.

[22:00] Your hand motions definitely aren't captured.

[22:02] But it's literally like, you were saying when we were watching the movie, it's like the director said, like, here you're being sarcastic.

[22:08] And Chris Klein was like, no, I got it.

[22:10] I've been practicing.

Dan McCoy

[22:11] Yeah, I know how to do this.

[22:13] I got this one coach.

Elliott Kalan

[22:14] So really, there's a big gun?

[22:17] It is the most ridiculous sarcasm.

Stuart Wellington

[22:20] Rawr!

[22:21] Now, that movie does feature one of my favorite movie performances of all time by Chris Klein, as I don't know what his character's name is.

[22:32] And who's the bad guy in that with the blue eyes?

[22:34] Neil McDonough?

[22:35] Oh, Neil McDonough.

Dan McCoy

[22:36] I mean, the thing is, like, the Chris Klein, I've seen a supercut of just when he's on screen, you know, saying a line.

[22:43] And it's only five minutes.

[22:45] It's one of those things where the choices he makes are so weird that it overshadows.

Elliott Kalan

[22:51] And it's amazing that he won Best Supporting Actor for that.

[22:53] The whole thing.

[22:54] For so little screen time.

[22:55] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[22:55] When I would think that's more of a lead role.

Dan McCoy

[22:58] This is Easy Rider 2, colon, The Ride Home versus Street Fighter, colon, The Legend of Chun-Li.

[23:03] It's the Clash of the Colons.

[23:05] Two solid choices.

Elliott Kalan

[23:08] Yeah, that was the original title of Clash of the Titans, by the way, was Clash of the Colons.

[23:12] And it was about colons.

Stuart Wellington

[23:14] Oh, okay.

[23:16] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[23:16] And in the remake of Clash of the Titans, instead of Release the Crack, it originally said Release the Colon.

[23:22] And an enormous lower GI tract came out and attacked them.

Dan McCoy

[23:25] Yeah, I mean, I guess that makes sense.

[23:26] GI tract.

[23:27] A real American tract.

[23:30] GI tract is there.

[23:32] In your butt.

[23:32] I was, so for reasons that are not important to go into.

[23:39] Yep.

[23:40] I was listening to the G.I. Joe theme.

[23:42] Why not?

[23:43] Earlier today.

[23:45] It was a pretty workout mix.

[23:46] I was laughing.

[23:49] Because, like, the guy that they have to sing it, like, he has a nice voice, but he's also

[23:54] clearly just, like, working to get the rhythm of the way the lyrics are supposed to go.

[24:00] Because he's like, GI Joe versus Cobra the enemy.

[24:04] GI Joe is there.

[24:06] Anyway.

[24:08] So that was an important thing to say.

[24:10] Yeah.

S4

[24:13] Hi, I'm Biz.

[24:15] And I'm Teresa.

[24:16] And we're the hosts of One Bad Mother, a podcast about parenting.

[24:21] Parenting is hard, and we have no advice.

[24:24] But we do see you doing it.

[24:27] Honk if you like to do it.

[24:29] Didn't we have a bumper sticker a while back that was like, honk if you did it?

[24:34] That's what it was.

[24:34] I think it was honk if you're doing it.

Stuart Wellington

[24:37] Why did we not ever make those?

[24:39] Those are a delight.

[24:40] We did make them.

S4

[24:41] I think they're still in the MaxFun store.

Stuart Wellington

[24:44] Honk, honk.

S4

[24:45] You're doing it.

[24:47] Thanks, Biz.

[24:48] So are you.

[24:49] Each week, we'll be here to remind you that you're doing a good job.

[24:53] You can find us on MaximumFun.org.

[24:57] Honk, honk.

[24:58] Toot, toot.

Stuart Wellington

[24:59] I listen to Bullseye because Jesse always has really good questions.

S4

[25:03] What did John Malkovich wear when he was 20?

Dan McCoy

[25:06] I don't know how to describe it.

[25:09] There's always that moment where Jesse asks a question that the person he's interviewing

[25:14] has not thought of before.

[25:16] I don't think anyone's ever said that to me or acknowledged that to me, and that is so real.

[25:22] Bullseye.

[25:22] Interviews with creators you love and creators you need to know.

S5

[25:26] From MaximumFun.org and NPR.

Dan McCoy

[25:30] The Flophouse is sponsored in part by LumiLads.

[25:36] So here's the thing.

[25:39] You probably heard about microdosing.

[25:41] If you look around on the internet, you see stuff about people microdosing to feel healthier

[25:46] and perform better.

[25:48] Our show today is sponsored by Microdose Gummies.

[25:52] Which deliver perfect entry-level doses of THC that help you feel just the right amount of good.

[26:01] You know, if you don't want to feel looser, more relaxed, more pleasant, happier, you know.

[26:15] I've used these.

[26:17] It's a way to chill out.

[26:19] They're already dosed properly for that level of experience.

[26:25] Yeah.

[26:25] The LumiLabs Gummies taste good.

[26:28] They don't have a lot of THC taste.

[26:31] They just taste like tasty gummy.

[26:34] So it's microdose.

[26:37] Microdose.

[26:37] Pardon me.

[26:38] Microdose is available nationwide.

[26:41] To learn more about microdosing THC, just do a quick search online or go to microdosegummies.com

[26:48] and use FLOP to get free shipping and 30% off your first order.

[26:53] Links can be found in the show description.

[26:55] But again, that's microdosedgummies.com and code F-L-O-P.

Stuart Wellington

[27:03] This podcast is also sponsored by Stitch Fix.

[27:08] Your style isn't one size fits all.

[27:11] It's about what suits your body and what suits the moment.

[27:14] That's where Stitch Fix comes in.

[27:16] Whether you're a cool dad, a hip bartender, a sexy college professor, they've got you covered.

[27:24] Now, they'll help you with refined workwear, casual basics, anything to kind of elevate your look.

[27:30] You can schedule a fix and a style expert will send you five pieces that fit your style, size, and your price range.

[27:38] Or if you prefer to shop but don't want to endlessly browse, you can check out Stitch Fix Freestyle,

[27:44] an online shop built just for you.

[27:46] To get started, you take a style quiz so Stitch Fix can learn your preferences.

[27:50] Again, whether you are some kind of like nerd-friendly dad character,

[27:55] or maybe you're like a cool hunky bartender dude,

[27:58] or maybe just like a college professor who may or may not sleep with his TAs.

[28:02] You never know.

[28:05] So, Stitch Fix can learn you.

[28:07] Take the style quiz.

[28:08] They'll learn your preferences from your favorite colors and preferred fits and your price range.

[28:13] So, get started today by filling out your free style quiz at stitchfix.com slash flop house

[28:19] and get free shipping and returns.

[28:22] Stitchfix.com slash flop house.

Elliott Kalan

[28:25] We've had a lot of great sponsors on the show today, but we've got an even greater sponsor.

[28:29] It's us.

[28:29] We're sponsoring ourselves.

[28:31] Kind of?

[28:31] I'll explain.

[28:32] You may have heard already, and if you haven't, then we're not doing our jobs,

[28:35] that we're doing a live online show on March 19th.

[28:39] In roughly a little bit less than a month or so from when you're hearing this,

[28:43] we'll be doing a live online show.

[28:45] The flop house guys are taking it to the streets.

[28:48] And by the streets, I mean the screens.

[28:49] The screens of your computers.

[28:51] For a talk about, that's right, Masters of the Universe.

[28:54] Oh boy.

[28:55] We're going to be talking about the 1987 Masters of the Universe movie.

[28:57] The movie that boldly asks the question,

[29:00] hey, should we make a Masters of the Universe movie?

[29:03] Because they didn't really go all the way and actually do it.

[29:05] We'll explain more when we talk about it.

[29:07] It's really more the fourth world kind of grafted onto Masters of the Universe,

[29:10] and there's also a scene where they eat chicken,

[29:12] which really stuck out to me when I was a kid for obvious reasons.

[29:14] So that's Saturday, March 19th, 9 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Pacific.

[29:18] We're going to be talking about the Masters of the Universe.

[29:20] But it's a live flop house show, so we're not just talking about the movie.

[29:23] We're going to have new presentations.

[29:24] We're going to be taking questions from the audience.

[29:26] We're going to have some other sort of comedy bits.

[29:28] It'll be a lot of fun.

[29:29] It's like we're throwing a little Masters of the Universe party for the three of us,

[29:32] and you're all invited.

[29:33] Very exciting.

[29:34] Isn't that the case?

[29:35] How do I get to this party?

[29:36] It's not a real party.

[29:37] It's just a computer show.

[29:38] Anyway, go to theflophouse.simpleticks.com.

[29:42] It's that easy.

[29:43] theflophouse.simpleticks.com.

[29:45] And for only $10, that's right, one Hamilton,

[29:48] a $10 founding father without a father,

[29:50] you'll get your access to not just the show,

[29:52] but also one week of being able to watch the recording of the show

[29:57] after it actually happens.

[29:59] So let's say you're not available Saturday, March 19th at 9 p.m. Eastern time.

[30:03] You can still see the show if you buy a ticket

[30:05] any time up to a week after the show airs.

[30:08] So just go to theflophouse.simpleticks.com

[30:11] and get ready for laughs and maybe to think a little bit

[30:14] as the Flop Boys take on Masters of the Universe 1987 edition.

[30:19] We hope you can make it.

[30:20] It's going to be a lot of fun.

Dan McCoy

[30:26] The next matchup is a very – two movies that are important to the Flophouse,

[30:33] I think, for different reasons.

[30:35] We have The Wicker Man versus I Know Who Killed Me.

[30:42] Round one.

[30:44] Fight.

Elliott Kalan

[30:45] Meanwhile, everyone's getting ready for the big harvest ritual.

[30:48] They're wearing animal masks.

[30:49] They've got face paint on.

[30:50] They're dancing and parading to pipe music.

[30:52] It all feels very Renfest precious.

[30:55] While Nicolas Cage is having a, you know, knuckle-dragging, balls-out,

[31:00] Lili Sobieski fight.

[31:01] Yeah, yeah.

[31:01] Balls to the walls.

[31:03] Which ends with him back kicking her into the wall of photos

[31:07] and she just – I don't know if she's dead or what.

Stuart Wellington

[31:10] Well, she's certainly not dead because she shows up later.

[31:12] But, like, she gives a look like they were –

[31:15] I feel like Neil LeBee was like, okay, hold on her for a moment.

[31:19] We will digitally add some birds tweeting around her head.

[31:23] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[31:25] And much like the bike jacking earlier, this is a bear suit jacking.

[31:30] Like, Nicolas Cage steals the bear suit.

Stuart Wellington

[31:32] Versus.

[31:33] I'm going to play the role of Aubrey Fleming, okay?

[31:36] I'm trapped in this glass coffin.

Elliott Kalan

[31:37] Which I think you could do better than Lindsay Lohan.

Stuart Wellington

[31:39] I appreciate that, Elliot.

[31:41] Now, okay, I imagine, like, okay, I'm getting into character.

[31:43] My hand's been chopped off.

[31:45] My foot's been chopped off.

[31:46] I'm in a weird glass coffin with a weird, like, 19th century milkmaid's dress on

[31:49] with a fucking veil over my face.

[31:51] I've been buried alive.

[31:52] Oh, shit, I'm going to die.

[31:53] Weird.

[31:54] Oh, man, I'm running out of air.

[31:55] Oh, wait, is that light I see?

[31:57] Like, moonlight?

[31:58] Oh, somebody's, you know, digging me out of my coffin.

[32:01] Oh, my God, the thing's open.

[32:02] Somebody let me out with their robot hand.

[32:04] Who is it?

[32:05] Oh, my God, it's my fucking twin.

[32:07] Like, somebody looks exactly like me?

[32:09] That's my twin?

[32:10] How am I going to respond?

[32:11] I'm going to smile quietly and allow her to help me out and then snuggle up to me,

[32:17] and that's the end of the fucking movie.

Dan McCoy

[32:20] So, like, the importance here, I think,

[32:23] you know, if I got to spell it out,

[32:25] The Wicker Man, a Nicolas Cage movie,

[32:27] the only Nicolas Cage movie on the bracket,

[32:30] and the one that we did for, I think, our 300th episode,

[32:36] because it was before we had the podcast,

[32:39] but it was, like, the Cage film that everyone talked about

[32:42] when they talk about movies that are maybe not so good.

[32:45] Yeah.

[32:45] And I Know Who Killed Me, of course,

[32:47] the first episode that Elliot was on.

[32:49] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[32:51] And a movie that, the more I think about it,

[32:54] the more I'm kind of coming around on it.

Dan McCoy

[32:56] Yes.

[32:56] Our conversation with Jordan the other day

Stuart Wellington

[32:59] really helped crystallize what I like about that movie.

Elliott Kalan

[33:02] There's a real school of revisionist I Know Who Killed Me history,

[33:05] and we'll have to see if we join it.

[33:07] Yeah.

[33:08] Yeah.

[33:08] Who knows?

[33:09] We'll see.

[33:10] Whereas The Wicker Man, I think,

[33:11] will continue to be not good when we watch it.

[33:14] If we watch it for this.

Stuart Wellington

[33:15] Because we're talking about the Nicolas Cage one

[33:17] and not the Edward Woodward one, right?

[33:19] Not the, yeah, not the good one.

[33:21] Oh, okay.

[33:22] Yeah, yeah.

[33:22] Because that would be weird if we watched that one

[33:24] that we didn't cover on the show

[33:26] and it's a good movie, right?

Elliott Kalan

[33:27] Yeah, it would be strange.

[33:28] I mean, we'd enjoy it more.

Stuart Wellington

[33:29] I mean, we'd just mainly be singing along to the songs, right?

[33:33] Mm-hmm.

[33:33] And talking about Christopher Lee's fashion, right?

[33:36] Yep.

[33:37] Dancing naked, pounding on a door, too.

[33:39] Yep.

[33:40] Laying our naked buttocks to and fro.

Dan McCoy

[33:43] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[33:44] I mean, it's audio only,

Stuart Wellington

[33:45] so people won't get to see that

[33:46] unless we, I don't know, post it on Instagram Live.

Elliott Kalan

[33:49] We'll describe it verbally in a way

[33:51] that really brings it to life, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[33:52] Okay.

[33:53] The next category.

[33:55] Now, this is the epitome of what we were talking about before.

[33:59] Do our listeners like us?

[34:02] Or do they want to torture us?

[34:05] Or do they want to torture us?

[34:06] Sure.

[34:06] Yeah.

[34:07] Yeah.

[34:07] So what we got here is Tango and Cash

[34:11] versus the Oogie Loves and the Big Balloon Adventure.

Elliott Kalan

[34:17] Oh, fuck off.

[34:17] Round one.

[34:18] Fight.

[34:19] Jack Pounce's henchmen go,

[34:21] why don't we just kill them?

[34:23] And Jack Pounce goes,

[34:23] no, no.

[34:25] We've got to do it this way.

[34:27] No, idiots.

Dan McCoy

[34:28] You don't understand.

[34:29] Killing them would only make them stronger.

Elliott Kalan

[34:32] They're not Obi-Wan Kenobi.

[34:33] There's a photo who goes,

[34:34] now do you see why I don't kill them?

[34:36] And the henchmen are like,

[34:37] no, not really.

[34:40] We had them.

[34:41] We would never have to worry about them ever again.

[34:43] Then they would become martyrs to the police.

[34:46] No, they wouldn't.

Stuart Wellington

[34:49] Then they'd be faced with an entire precinct full of tangos and cashes.

[34:54] Tangos and cashes, yeah.

[34:55] Bunch of hot dogs.

[34:56] Nobody's doing paperwork.

[34:58] Sounds delicious.

[35:00] Bunch of hot dogs.

[35:01] Everybody's stealing pizza.

Elliott Kalan

[35:03] No pizza would be safe for on the police station.

[35:07] Versus.

[35:07] They have to get to a windmill to get the last balloon,

[35:09] but a shitty llama won't let them ride their bikes or run on the grass.

[35:15] That sounds crazy when you say it.

[35:17] So it's the only way to get across is to flag down a giant floating sombrero.

[35:21] Of course.

[35:22] Owned by Lola and Laro Sombrero,

[35:25] played by Jamie Presley and Christopher Lloyd.

[35:29] This sounds like a climax.

[35:31] Jamie Presley does almost all the talking,

[35:33] and Christopher Lloyd communicates through his bongo drums,

[35:36] and they dance because that dancing is how the sombrero is powered,

[35:39] and they go and get it.

[35:41] Like, oh, no.

[35:41] They get to the windmill,

[35:43] then they have to play a flute to make a tulip grow

[35:46] so they can climb to the top so they can use the fish to finally grab the balloon.

Dan McCoy

[35:51] So you're making this sound like it's some sort of computer game.

[35:56] Use fish on windmill?

[35:58] Yes, you throw the fish,

[36:00] and it gets the balloon from the top of the windmill.

Elliott Kalan

[36:03] They got all the balloons.

[36:04] Great.

[36:05] I mean, one of those is a movie that holds a special place in our hearts

[36:12] because it almost killed us,

[36:13] and the other one is Tango and Cash.

[36:15] So Tango and Cash,

[36:17] a movie that I think we all enjoy on varying levels of irony,

[36:21] and yeah, the Oogie Loves,

[36:22] which I still wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat,

[36:25] wishing, wishing, praying to the Lord that it was not real,

[36:29] it was all just a horrible dream.

Dan McCoy

[36:32] I think that the intro of that episode

[36:34] had you screaming at the heavens, Oogie Loves,

[36:37] so what a movie that was.

Stuart Wellington

[36:40] Yeah, I mean, I feel like if Oogie Loves wins,

[36:42] I will have to travel the world

[36:45] to find some kind of ancient incantation

[36:48] so I can age myself backwards

[36:50] so this will never have happened.

Dan McCoy

[36:52] I will say, I will say, you know what,

[36:54] like, in terms of the amount.

[36:57] Defend Oogie Loves, go for it, yeah.

[36:57] No, I'm not going to defend Oogie Loves.

[36:59] I'm going to, like, make a plea for our own laziness.

[37:03] Like, Oogie Loves is one of the shortest movies on the list,

[37:07] and, you know, the problem with...

[37:08] The editor went mad.

[37:09] That's why the movie was never finished, yeah.

[37:11] The problem with doing, like, our normal show on Oogie Loves

[37:14] is, like, we watch it, but the terror isn't over.

[37:17] Like, we still have to record an episode on it.

[37:20] If we're just doing a commentary for Oogie Loves,

[37:22] like, that's less than 90 minutes, I think.

[37:24] Yeah, that's true.

[37:24] Which is bad.

Elliott Kalan

[37:25] It might help with the listeners, too,

[37:27] because there's not as much the interest.

Stuart Wellington

[37:29] You guys are trying to trick the voters

[37:30] and not vote for that one.

Elliott Kalan

[37:32] A little reverse psychology.

[37:34] Oh, you won't get as much Five House content.

[37:36] Oh, but that's okay.

[37:37] Yeah, we would like that.

[37:39] So, okay, we've only got...

[37:40] Star-studded cast.

[37:41] I will mention that.

[37:42] It's got a star-studded cast.

Dan McCoy

[37:44] We've only got two match-ups left.

[37:49] Okay.

[37:49] I will say, I don't think that's that...

Elliott Kalan

[37:50] You were about to say two catch-ups left.

[37:52] One was going to be Heinz, but what's the other one?

[37:54] Probably Hunt's?

Dan McCoy

[37:56] Hunt's, yeah.

[37:57] Maybe Sir Kensington's?

[37:58] This next match-up, I would be surprised if either of these movies went all the way.

[38:03] So it's a bit of a...

[38:05] These are, you know, long-shot movies, but they're both real classics.

[38:11] The first, No Deposit.

[38:14] Okay.

[38:15] And the second, Serenity.

[38:17] Round one, fight.

Elliott Kalan

[38:20] Jimmy Valenti slash Frank D'Angelo is a saint, is a hero.

[38:23] Robert Loja delivers what I thought was the first best line until I remember Joe's argument

[38:27] with his wife.

[38:28] The second best line of the movie, which is, bring a stretcher for this good man.

[38:34] Get garbage bags for these pieces of shit.

[38:38] And the hospital beds are wheeled out, and then...

Dan McCoy

[38:42] Everyone seems to have forgotten that Mickey was part of the hostage situation by this time,

[38:46] because they're like...

Stuart Wellington

[38:48] That's how they pitch it, though.

Dan McCoy

[38:49] Like, they, like, say, literally, they're like, these two guys fell us hostage.

[38:53] And they're like, I'm like, what do you mean, these two guys?

[38:56] There was a third man.

[38:58] Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo.

[38:59] The third man, yes, that was...

[39:00] Another favorite of mine.

[39:03] Versus...

[39:03] At this point, I was like, oh, I know what the twist is.

[39:06] Let's see if you, the audience, can guess.

Elliott Kalan

[39:09] Yeah, Matthew McConaughey should have turned to the camera and said,

[39:11] have you figured it out yet, folks?

[39:12] All right, all right, all right.

[39:13] We're going to be revealing in about 20 minutes.

[39:15] See how close you got.

[39:18] Crawdaddy.

Stuart Wellington

[39:20] Oh, wow.

[39:21] That's a big name to be playing Crawdaddy.

Elliott Kalan

[39:23] Yeah, in the movie.

[39:25] Well, I wanted to get, again, cast as Crawdaddy in the movie,

[39:27] since it was my character that I do on television, on SNL.

[39:29] But they wanted a bigger star, so Matthew McConaughey's going to play Crawdaddy.

[39:32] I think he's good casting.

[39:33] He's good casting.

[39:34] I believe him as a guy who raised in the swamps among the moss and the gook,

[39:41] who's now living the middle-class life in a suburb of Connecticut.

[39:46] He works in insurance.

[39:47] That's why he's in Connecticut, too.

[39:49] And he's always embarrassing his kids with his down-home bayou knowledge,

[39:54] but that's what gets them out of the jams, too,

[39:55] is all those things he learned, wrestling gators and catching Crawdads

[39:58] and shooting nutrients from a boat.

[40:00] Stuart, I spaced out.

Dan McCoy

[40:01] Is Ellie talking about Crawdaddy again?

Stuart Wellington

[40:03] Yeah, yeah.

[40:05] He's about to clarify what kind of jams his kids are getting into.

Dan McCoy

[40:10] Another Jeremy Strong joint.

[40:14] So we got Frank Angelo, a repeat Smallvember auteur,

[40:23] and Serenity, one of the movies that, you know,

[40:29] like is one of the stranger big-budget movies of recent years.

Elliott Kalan

[40:33] Yeah, No Deposit includes the Immortal Line, of course,

[40:35] delivered by Robert Loja.

[40:37] Get a body bag for this good man.

[40:39] Get a stretcher for this good man.

[40:41] And bring some garbage bags for these pieces of shit.

Dan McCoy

[40:45] Oh, Elliot, if you think that I didn't pull that exact clip

[40:48] when we talked about it, but it bears repeating.

[40:52] It does, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[40:53] Love it.

[40:53] Yeah, a good cast deserves a second mention.

Stuart Wellington

[40:56] They say a perfect line reading doesn't exist.

Elliott Kalan

[41:00] And Serenity, which is, yeah, it's just a straight,

[41:04] Serenity is one of those movies where I think if I could live

[41:07] to a thousand years old, I'd never fully understand

[41:08] what was going on or why it is, why it happens.

[41:13] All right.

Dan McCoy

[41:15] Now, the final matchup.

[41:17] Okay.

[41:18] Guys, I think we're, I think we know who's going to win this one,

[41:22] but that's because the probable winner is such a juggernaut.

[41:28] I don't know if anything else could happen.

[41:30] Oh, I think I know one of them.

[41:32] But here we go.

[41:34] Final matchup.

[41:36] Geostorm.

[41:37] Okay.

[41:38] Versus Cats.

Stuart Wellington

[41:40] The original Geostorm.

[41:42] The original Geostorm.

Stuart Wellington

[41:42] Round one.

[41:44] Fight.

Elliott Kalan

[41:45] And Chang warns Max that if Dutch Boy breaks down,

[41:48] it could cause a chain reaction of storms and bad weather meeting to.

Dan McCoy

[41:53] Called?

[41:53] A Geostorm.

[41:55] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[41:55] And once the Geostorm starts, nothing can stop it.

[41:59] Not even the power of love.

[42:01] The most powerful thing in the universe.

Dan McCoy

[42:03] So get out of here, Huey Lewis.

[42:05] And that doesn't take money.

[42:06] It doesn't take fame.

[42:08] Nope.

[42:08] Don't need a credit card to ride that train.

Elliott Kalan

[42:10] No.

[42:11] That's very ahead of his time that he was talking about buying a train ticket with a credit card.

[42:16] Because you couldn't really do that at the time.

Dan McCoy

[42:18] Yeah, that's right.

[42:20] Huey Lewis futurist.

Elliott Kalan

[42:22] More than Raymond Kurzweil.

[42:24] I don't see any fucking singularities going on.

[42:27] Huey Lewis.

[42:28] And he noticed that it is hip to be square these days.

[42:30] Am I right with these tech billionaires and everything?

[42:32] Huey Lewis.

[42:33] It should have been called Huey Lewis and the Nostradamuses.

[42:36] All right.

Stuart Wellington

[42:37] It's that kind of forward thinking that reminds me of that Van Halen song, Panama.

[42:41] Where one of the scat lines, I'm pretty sure David Lee Roth says, set your cell phone down.

Elliott Kalan

[42:48] Which is wild.

[42:50] It's just like there was that Charlie Chaplin movie from a while ago where people were like,

[42:54] a woman's using a cell phone in the background.

[42:56] Look at that.

[42:57] It was like, well, she's clearly not.

[42:58] But okay.

[43:00] If that's the world you want to live in, and sure, Kazam starring Sinbad was a movie.

[43:04] Like, sure, okay.

Dan McCoy

[43:06] Versus.

[43:07] The moment I first started giggling uncontrollably.

[43:11] And just genuinely couldn't stop was thinking about these introductions and imagining if that's how life went for me.

[43:21] Like, if I met a new person, they were like, hey, I'm Mumbly Peg, the scullery human.

[43:27] What's the whole deal?

[43:28] My deal is this.

[43:29] I'll tell you for nine minutes.

Elliott Kalan

[43:31] You'd be starting a new job and be like, well, tell us about yourself, Dan.

[43:34] I'm Dan McCoy, a glum kind of fellow.

[43:36] Sometimes I'm angry and sometimes I'm mellow.

[43:38] And I'd be like, yes, perfect.

Stuart Wellington

[43:40] Is that what you want?

[43:41] Not to stop you.

[43:42] You don't have to tell me you're extra.

[43:43] I already know it.

[43:45] We're out.

Elliott Kalan

[43:47] I want to give my condolences to Geostorm on this one right off the bat.

[43:52] Geostorm is a super fun, dumb movie.

[43:55] It's one of the dumbest disaster movies I think I've ever seen in my life.

[44:00] Where the villain decides he's going to kill the President of the United States using a storm.

[44:05] And then he's also in the same building.

[44:07] It's the perfect crime, Elliot.

[44:08] Are they going to put God on trial?

[44:11] And it's also on a...

[44:13] I'd like to see them try.

Stuart Wellington

[44:15] It's on a space station where people are playing video games with wired controllers.

[44:21] I haven't had a wired controller in like 20 years.

Elliott Kalan

[44:26] It's going to come around.

[44:27] It's going to be a big trend.

[44:29] But of course it's up against Cats, which is, I guess, the movie that they should bury in a time capsule for 10,000 years.

Dan McCoy

[44:37] To explain why society collapsed.

Elliott Kalan

[44:39] I think it's the first movie to be inducted into the Library of Congress on the day of release as culturally and aesthetically significant.

Dan McCoy

[44:47] No, no.

[44:48] You're thinking of the bizarro Library of Congress.

[44:50] Oh, that's right.

Stuart Wellington

[44:53] That's where everything's filed backwards.

[44:55] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[44:55] Me, I love bad movies.

[44:59] That's the bizarre librarian of Congress.

[45:02] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[45:02] Of course.

[45:03] Yeah.

[45:05] Cats is a super fan favorite.

Dan McCoy

[45:07] Yeah.

[45:08] So those are the matchups.

[45:12] As I said, you can start checking in on Monday of this week for these polls.

[45:18] And then once we get winners on these, obviously the winners will go on to battle each other until, you know, in the words of Highlander, there can be only one.

[45:29] Not really accurate here because we could do more, but we're just not going to.

[45:33] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[45:34] Obviously.

[45:35] Yeah.

[45:35] So head over to the Twitter account where you can vote.

[45:38] And also you will see, I'm sure, us all lobbying for the movies of our choice.

[45:44] I'm sure I will be on my Instagram constantly lobbying for anything but a food fight.

[45:52] I'll be making these, like, heartfelt videos, like, smearing ashes on my face, wearing a hair shirt, anything to convince him not to choose a food fight.

Elliott Kalan

[46:01] You got to do the Blair Witch up the nose crying video.

[46:05] Yeah.

[46:05] Just begging, please.

[46:07] No.

[46:08] Yeah.

[46:08] You're so sorry.

[46:09] No food fight.

Dan McCoy

[46:10] So those will be over at the Flophouse Pod.

[46:13] You know, if you are not currently a MaxFun member, but you want access to the bonus content, as we said, the drive is coming up once a year.

[46:25] If you don't know, we asked people to go to MaximumFun.org slash join, become members to help support the show.

[46:34] And supporters at all levels will have access to this commentary and a bunch of other stuff.

[46:42] We're just getting ahead of the game by finding out what you would be interested in to hear for that bonus content.

[46:52] If you're not members, I'm sorry that we took up your time, but I hope that you found enjoyment in hearing us take a walk down flop memory lane and talk about these movies.

Stuart Wellington

[47:03] And if this is your first episode, you picked the wrong one, dude.

[47:06] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[47:08] Very confusing.

[47:09] You started with a clip show.

[47:10] I recommend checking out one of the shows that we pulled clips from, maybe.

[47:15] Those are generally considered to be good ones.

[47:18] Yeah.

[47:18] Go for it.

[47:19] But thank you to Alex.

Elliott Kalan

[47:21] Not Legend of Tunley.

[47:22] I can't vouch for that one.

[47:23] I wasn't there.

Dan McCoy

[47:24] Thanks to Alex Smith, our producer, who we may do a little extra work this week for the clips and such.

[47:32] Thank you to Maximum Fun, the network that we belong to.

[47:38] Go to MaximumFun.org.

[47:40] Check out other great shows.

[47:43] You know, and normally there might be more spiel, but we've done a lot of technical stuff.

[47:47] So I just want to say thanks for listening.

[47:50] I've been Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[47:52] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[47:54] And I'm Ellie Kaelin, all revved up for MaxFunDrive.

[47:57] Coming to you soon.

[47:59] Bye.

[48:05] MaximumFun.org.

S5

[48:07] Comedy and culture.

[48:08] Artist owned.

[48:09] Audience supported.

FH Mini 49 - YOU Choose a Commentary

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