FH Mini 49 - YOU Choose a Commentary

[0:00] excuse me shouldn't have had the spicy clams tonight it's backing up on you you

[0:09] know what we did eat we did eat muscles but the cat Stewart's cat muscles but

[0:14] thank fucking God it would make me really sad if my cat was eaten by my

[0:18] friend but worse than if the cat was eaten by a stranger right because at

[0:23] least no it wasn't scared that's that's true I mean I don't know like I feel

[0:28] like a stranger would see a delicious cat and would just want to gobble it up

[0:32] Dan would at least I shouldn't gobble it up how would gobbling it up affect my

[0:40] friendship with my close friend Stewart well but cats are for goblin yep there's

[0:45] a there's a chance that Dan might just steamroll right over that and just think

[0:48] about his tummy and I get it the problem is that when Dan looks at the cat what

[0:52] he sees is an enormous roast turkey yeah actually a small roast turkeys cuz

[0:57] turkeys gonna be bigger than cats but that's what he sees yeah mm-hmm hey

[1:01] let's start this okay yeah I thought we did well well I mean it's an open

[1:07] question whether Alex kept any of that but if not hey everyone welcome to the

[1:12] Flophouse now often on the Flophouse we talk about a bad movie that we three

[1:18] have just watched but we also have episodes that we have dubbed Flophouse

[1:23] minis a name that as time goes on is more sadly ironic because the episodes

[1:30] are very long you're saying yes yes yes that was the now you're Dan McCoy right

[1:35] nub of my gist I'm Dan I'm Elliot Kalin how are you mm-hmm and there's the third

[1:39] person here that's right Stewart Wellington hello I can see into both of

[1:44] your houses through my computer so what we're doing on this many the

[1:52] Flophouse as you know perhaps you don't if you're listening for the first time

[1:56] but many of you know is sponsored largely by listeners upcoming we have

[2:03] our max fun drive where we offer bonus content to folks who you know become

[2:10] members to show their support keep the show running shake a little extra change

[2:15] out of your pockets you cheapskates Wow yeah I mean yeah in past years I have

[2:20] been very thankful and I've been very kind but this year I'm all about threats

[2:24] and threats and abuse gonna bust goals we got to get that change we got to get

[2:28] that cash Wow Elliot's pulled out a little switchblade and he's dragging it

[2:32] across his beard stubble mm-hmm yeah well I do need to shake like he's Roger

[2:38] Rabbit we don't want to we don't want to linger too long on this because this is

[2:44] not the max fun drive yet but the point is that we provide bonus content to

[2:50] members and this year we wanted to do our first commentary track for a movie

[2:55] you know similar to back in ye olden days when you had DVDs and you would

[3:00] listen to the director's commentary yeah fire up your DVD of blade 2 and you'd

[3:05] hear Guillermo del Toro and Wesley Snipes talk about how blade needs to get

[3:09] laid more often that was the original plot of the third one blade 3 blade gets

[3:13] laid that's what Wesley Snipes suggests that's the exact title this is a factual

[3:24] podcast at this point we've yet to equal it went into the humor section this is

[3:29] still just the informative section that was very helpful because now the

[3:33] listener of course understands what a commentary is having had a great example

[3:39] we will be recording a movie length audio track that you can sync up with

[3:46] the movie you're watching and it's like you're watching the movie with us three

[3:49] annoying guys who will not stop talking throughout the entire movie but don't

[3:53] worry yeah the movie will not be a good movie that you want to pay close

[3:56] attention to it will be a bad movie that you want to hear us talking about yeah

[4:00] and we wanted to get listeners involved in choosing which movie that we would do

[4:07] a commentary for so we're letting you guys sort of guide the ship about which

[4:14] movie we'd like us to talk over now of course we cannot have unlimited choices

[4:18] this is we're not the the amazon.com of podcast where we have a pre-themed menu

[4:24] pricks fix menu Dan I mean like it's a restaurant you go to they don't they

[4:30] don't just hand you a blank piece of paper and say write down any food and

[4:33] we'll go make it they give you a narrowed selection of dishes depending

[4:39] on the diner in New Jersey you go to I mean but even even you have to even the

[4:43] New Jersey diner with the thickest phone bookiest menu still has a finite number

[4:48] of dishes like you can't you know what you make a good point it was misleading

[4:53] what I was saying I was trying to indicate you know that we just provide

[4:57] you with a certain choice and that's your choice but if it was a pricks fix

[5:00] menu of course there'd be multiple courses with no choice we're not we're

[5:04] not gonna know we're just doing the one yeah we're doing the one movie but the

[5:08] point is we thought we would do a bracket to decide what movie a tip of

[5:15] the cap to film spotting and blank check to fine film podcast that have arguably

[5:20] better brackets and to end a tribute to the late comedy movie star Eddie Bracken

[5:25] whose name sounds like bracket mm-hmm yeah so we've we've picked 16 movies

[5:31] from the flop houses back catalog these are movies that we've done episodes when

[5:35] this is Bracken log because it's a bracket mm-hmm

[5:38] yep it was right you've heard of Snopes how about Stoops pants not on fire but

[5:53] wouldn't it be cool if they were so Dan we've set up a bracket of 14 choices and

[5:59] they're gonna be going head-to-head right 14 I thought was 16 choices

[6:03] they're going head-to-head okay you're the one who's running the ship Dan I

[6:07] don't know why you let me run up and just start well it's very much the

[6:11] Gilligan yeah so anyway starting this Monday the 21st we're gonna be running a

[6:21] series of polls in the this coming week to determine the winners of the first

[6:26] matchups and you can participate in those polls by going to the Twitter our

[6:33] Twitter feed which is at the flop house pod and obviously we'll have to run more

[6:40] polls in the early weeks as there are more contenders it'll be for the first

[6:46] week I think it's two a day for four days is what we're looking at and then

[6:51] as other contestants drop out are defeated fewer polls you understand how

[6:57] brackets work and it's basically four rounds right four rounds or four weeks I

[7:01] think four rounds and we're gonna try we're gonna try to drop in maybe like

[7:09] little mini updates on where the brackets are just into the feed like

[7:14] short updates because because of our production schedule we can't you know

[7:18] always be up-to-date on what's winning what is this early edition yeah so just

[7:29] this is not the the CBS show early edition yeah because there's a chance

[7:34] they could have assumed it was that we are yeah that we already know the

[7:37] answer like we're the current season of RuPaul's Drag Race where every

[7:41] contestant when they're eliminated opens up a fake candy bar to see if it's

[7:44] chocolate or the single gold bar that'll allow them to stay but they had to like

[7:48] sign that shit out and it's not like they're like carrying that fucking

[7:51] chocolate bar with him the whole time so it's like the producers already know who

[7:54] has that shit right and you and you can tell right here gold or a chocolate bar

[7:59] right exactly I think I think we're doing an excellent job at exploiting

[8:03] this so we're gonna I'm gonna actually pulled some clips we're gonna hear a few

[8:09] clips from the original time we talked about these yeah obviously let's name

[8:14] our competitors yeah yeah well obviously I'm just obviously when we do the the

[8:19] commentary it'll be a little different than like our usual talking afterwards

[8:23] we'll be talking during it'll be a different type of thing but just to

[8:26] remind you some clips from these shows and the first match up the first match

[8:32] up this is a tough one guys is a fateful findings versus Bratz

[8:41] what about the scene where he passes out and spills coffee on his face he starts

[8:47] making a face like he loves it and he can't get enough he's having headaches

[8:52] because of course he would he was hit by a car sure and yeah he's like oh and

[8:57] he he's got coffee precariously placed in the keyboard his laptop and he knocks

[9:01] it over and he like he falls it's like his head falls on the paper and then he

[9:06] knocks the coffee well he falls down and then he's like regaining consciousness

[9:10] and he sees his coffee and it's like oh that's what I want coffee and he tries

[9:14] to drink it and tips it all over everything but yeah instead of being

[9:18] like ah hot coffee on my face his look is like he's like my skin is absorbing

[9:24] his precious caffeine I love it I needed one of my patented facial caffeine pads

[9:28] that's what will make me feel better versus let me reiterate however that the

[9:34] Bratz have now broken up as friends and gotten back together later and it's 30

[9:39] minutes into the film 30 minutes in what's the rest what's the what's the

[9:43] remaining hour and five minutes of the film you may ask which is the running

[9:48] time of the movie sure you know without credits with with credit the credits

[9:52] includes two music videos yeah you don't want to skip the credits one of them

[9:56] involves a piano with the word Bratz written out in big letters

[10:00] over the service of it.

[10:01] Row!

[10:03] So guys, what do you have to say about

[10:05] faithful fighting?

[10:06] I mean, those are two big heavy hitters,

[10:06] fan favorites.

[10:07] Yeah.

[10:08] I mean, obviously, I think you guys know

[10:10] that I'm rooting for Bratz,

[10:12] partly because I don't like signal boosting Neil Breen

[10:14] because he's a maniac.

[10:16] But, and also-

[10:17] You prefer to signal boost kind of,

[10:20] well, I won't even get into it, nevermind.

[10:22] The Bratz dolls have a number of problems with them as well.

[10:24] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[10:25] But, I don't know, like there's something joy,

[10:27] I get, there's, I don't, they're both great.

[10:29] That's what I'm trying to say.

[10:30] Well, Bratz, I remember we all saw Bratz originally

[10:33] and we were surprised at what an impact it made on us

[10:35] since we thought it would just be a forgettable movie.

[10:37] And, Fateful Findings is a peek inside the mind

[10:39] of a madman.

[10:40] So, you know, choose wisely.

[10:42] They both have, you know, pretty tasty.

[10:47] Don't describe Bratz as tasty.

[10:49] I don't like that.

[10:50] I also, I also have-

[10:50] The movie, the film.

[10:52] I've seen Bratz more times since we did the episode.

[10:56] I haven't watched Fateful Findings

[10:57] since we watched it for the episode,

[10:58] so that might be fun.

[10:59] Well, we did a riff show on Bratz back in the day

[11:04] and somewhere floating around the internet

[11:07] is the audio for that, which we never put out officially

[11:09] because we were worried that you could hear

[11:12] the Bratz soundtrack in the background.

[11:14] Obviously, no one really cares,

[11:15] but it also probably didn't sound that great.

[11:18] So, that's another problem.

[11:19] But, you know, we could correct history

[11:23] by having an official record of us watching Bratz.

[11:27] Finally, for future generations or aliens to find.

[11:29] Or we could, you know, we could watch

[11:31] one of the strangest movies, Fateful Findings,

[11:34] that we have watched in the history of the show.

[11:37] So, I think that's a strong category.

[11:42] Coming up, next category.

[11:45] Y'all ready for this?

[11:46] The Happening versus The Country Bears.

[11:50] Round one, fight.

[11:53] The best part is when they're about to go to bed

[11:55] and they're like, man, this lady's totally crazy.

[11:58] That's paraphrased, obviously.

[12:00] Not that paraphrased, it's pretty close.

[12:02] And like, they hear a noise,

[12:03] so Mark Wahlberg goes to the door

[12:05] and he sees the old lady in her nightgown down there

[12:07] and she's like, you're talking about stealing stuff.

[12:11] You're gonna kill me.

[12:12] And at that point, I'd be like,

[12:13] what the fuck are you talking about, kill you?

[12:17] Mark Wahlberg doesn't say like, no, of course not.

[12:20] What are you, crazy?

[12:20] He says, no, no, we weren't, no, we weren't talking about.

[12:25] In a suspicious way.

[12:27] And Mark Wahlberg is like,

[12:28] I was kind of thinking of killing you.

[12:29] And like, the next shot is him waking up.

[12:32] Like, what the fuck are you talking about?

[12:34] It's like, you're trying to kill me, aren't you?

[12:36] No, no, no, don't you?

[12:39] Well, time to go to bed.

[12:41] Versus.

[12:42] This is followed by a lovely interlude

[12:43] where Christopher Walken wearing a three-piece suit

[12:46] without the jacket from the waist up

[12:48] and boxer shorts from the waist down

[12:50] is just smashing models of the country bear,

[12:53] the country bear haul over and over again.

[12:54] And each time he smashes it and goes, oh no, bear haul.

[12:58] And then smashes it again, oh no, bear haul.

[13:00] And it is delightful.

[13:02] It's so great.

[13:05] I like, it's like, how is this not a gif

[13:06] that I've seen attached to things?

[13:08] Just him going, oh, smashing it, going, oh no.

[13:11] Yeah, and then he just dumps the smashed pieces

[13:15] on a pile of smashed pieces.

[13:15] And I could tell, is he in a building

[13:17] or is he in like a trailer of a truck

[13:19] made up to look inside like an office?

[13:21] I couldn't quite tell where he was, but.

[13:23] Yeah, he's inside all of us.

[13:25] Roar!

[13:28] Well, I mean, Country Bears is fresher in my mind

[13:31] since we watched it more recently.

[13:32] And obviously I'd like to get drunk as shit with Dan

[13:36] and watch Country Bears and talk about it.

[13:40] But I also haven't seen The Happening in a long time.

[13:42] And I hear that Jeremy Strong is in it from TV succession.

[13:46] So I'd like to see that.

[13:48] It was years and years ago that we watched it,

[13:50] but there are moments that are burned in my brain.

[13:52] A guy just lying down in front of a lawnmower

[13:54] because he's given up on life thanks to the hypnotic pollen.

[13:58] And of course the scene where Mark Wahlberg has to deny

[14:01] he's trying to set up an old woman to kill and rob her.

[14:03] And it sounds like he really was gonna do that

[14:06] because his denial was so bad.

[14:09] But yeah, the Country Bears was also a surprising amount

[14:14] of joy for a, what you have to admit,

[14:16] kind of a cynically probably greenlit movie

[14:19] based on a Disney attraction.

[14:21] Yeah, well, I mean, that's the thing.

[14:23] Like The Happening, obviously M. Night Shyamalan,

[14:26] multiple movies that we've done of his.

[14:29] That's what the M stands for, multiple night Shyamalan.

[14:32] Yeah, and The Happening is kind of the consensus pick

[14:35] for what is the funny, bad Shyamalan movie.

[14:41] The Country Bears, by this point I've seen twice.

[14:45] The first time I laughed so much.

[14:48] And then the second time-

[14:50] You cried.

[14:50] You know, I was like, is this good?

[14:54] Was it like, was my response wrong before

[14:58] that it wasn't just like that was silly,

[15:00] but is it actually good?

[15:02] It's hard to tell sometimes.

[15:04] And if he watches it a third time,

[15:05] maybe he'll, that love will turn to hate.

[15:08] And he's like, this movie must be destroyed.

[15:11] Yeah, it caused a lot of comment, Dan,

[15:13] when your top 10 list for Sight and Sound's annual poll

[15:16] put Country Bears at number one and Vertigo at number two.

[15:21] Number three, of course, Bikini Car Wash Company.

[15:23] There was a lot of representation of City Bears

[15:25] on the list already.

[15:26] And I thought, you know what?

[15:28] The Flyover Bears are not gonna be ignored.

[15:31] Thank you.

[15:32] Here is a, this is a monster matchup.

[15:36] Flyover Bears, Monsters, What Is This?

[15:38] Born by James Vandermeer?

[15:39] I mean, that, oh yeah, great movie.

[15:42] And by movie, I mean book,

[15:43] which is a movie for your eyeballs to look at,

[15:45] which is also what you do with movies.

[15:49] I'm saving it, I'm dancing.

[15:55] That is the equivalent of someone running

[15:57] across a rope bridge as it falls.

[16:02] All right, you ready for this?

[16:03] Yeah, yeah.

[16:04] Here it is.

[16:05] Food fight versus a talking cat?

[16:10] Wow.

[16:13] It's almost like somebody heard the idea of Toy Story,

[16:18] then got hit in the head with like an I-beam,

[16:21] and then like mumbled this while they were in surgery

[16:24] because they didn't give them enough anesthetic

[16:26] to keep them under.

[16:26] You know what children love?

[16:28] They love the grocery store.

[16:30] And more than that, they love the cast of characters

[16:33] that opens the grocery store.

[16:35] It opens with this elderly grocer

[16:37] shutting down the store for the night.

[16:38] And as the lights go out, there's this plaintive music

[16:40] as if like, well, the fun's over for the day.

[16:43] The carnival's leaving town for another year.

[16:46] This world of magic and whimsy that is a food store.

[16:50] This is preceded, by the way,

[16:51] by not even a real title screen.

[16:53] There's just like an animated thing that says food fight,

[16:55] just like a DVD menu screen.

[16:58] Versus the talking cat, Duffy,

[17:02] who is a stray cat who wanders around

[17:04] and he's like the Incredible Hulk in the TV show.

[17:06] He just wanders into people's lives

[17:08] and fixes them.

[17:09] Here's the thing.

[17:09] Does he talk?

[17:10] Usually he just thinks out loud in a kind of Garfield way.

[17:13] But-

[17:14] And we hear it.

[17:14] And all the way until we hear it.

[17:15] We are trippy to his internal monologue.

[17:17] We hear every soliloquy about how much he loves the woods

[17:20] and hates what he calls beeping machines,

[17:22] which sometimes seem to mean phones

[17:24] and sometimes mean computers.

[17:25] Yeah.

[17:26] The thing is, Elliot,

[17:26] the line is blurred between those two things.

[17:28] That's true.

[17:29] More and more these days.

[17:30] What is a phone but a computer in your pocket?

[17:32] And what is a book but a movie in your mind?

[17:35] But all of his monologues seem to be like a combination

[17:38] of pseudo poetic dialogue

[17:40] that has been written for Eric Roberts

[17:42] and maybe Eric Roberts just improvising

[17:44] whatever he's thinking about at the time.

[17:46] Yeah.

[17:48] Oh God.

[17:49] Well, any opportunity I can not watch Food Fight

[17:52] would be sweet.

[17:54] Yeah, that's a matchup for The Misbegotten,

[17:56] a talking cat, a movie that fails to even reach

[17:59] the bare minimum standards of a movie.

[18:02] And Food Fight, which is like shoving a knife in your eye.

[18:05] Hopefully people will vote for a talking cat

[18:07] so that I don't have to lose these baby blues.

[18:11] You know, yeah, this is one of those matchups.

[18:15] Well, I mean, it's not necessarily the matchup.

[18:18] It doesn't matter who wins, we lose.

[18:20] Well, kind of.

[18:21] But also when you put this up against the other movies

[18:25] that are on the bracket,

[18:27] we're really gonna see about whether people voting

[18:30] want to give us a good experience

[18:32] or what they like to do is to like, you know,

[18:37] I guess choose the shittiest thing.

[18:39] Because if Food Fight wins,

[18:41] then I'm just gonna spend the whole time regretting

[18:43] not staring directly at the sun

[18:45] when there's that last solar eclipse.

[18:47] And I want to remind people that to get the full benefit

[18:50] out of an audio commentary,

[18:51] you should be watching the movie at the same time.

[18:53] So you would have to fight,

[18:55] you'd have to watch Food Fight also.

[18:57] Yeah.

[18:58] I was about to say you would have to fight Food Watch,

[18:59] which I'd rather do than watch Food Fight.

[19:02] I'd rather fight a Food Watch.

[19:04] So, okay, the next matchup is a little,

[19:09] I would say that these are not necessarily

[19:12] the movies that people talk about a lot

[19:15] if they happen to talk about old episodes of movies

[19:19] that sounded just, you know, like off the charts,

[19:22] but they are, they have the power

[19:26] that maybe they could be sleeper choices.

[19:29] All right, we got here,

[19:30] it's Easy Rider 2, The Ride Home.

[19:34] Now this is the movie where-

[19:35] It's a dumb one.

[19:36] For people who have forgotten,

[19:37] I remind people that this is a movie made by people

[19:40] who bought the rights to the Easy Rider name,

[19:43] made a sequel that was, in essence,

[19:44] the exact opposite of what the first movie was,

[19:48] both plot-wise and politically,

[19:50] and released it as Easy Rider 2, The Ride Back.

[19:53] And there's a great montage at the end

[19:54] that involves just a shot of an old man getting a haircut.

[19:57] Yeah, and there's that scene where the old man

[19:58] is like,

[20:00] the full emotional weight hits him and his lower lip quivers

[20:03] to such an extreme state.

[20:06] All right, wait, wait, save it.

[20:08] Don't talk to him.

[20:08] We haven't even done the full matchup yet.

[20:10] Easer Raider 2, The Ride Home versus Street Fighter,

[20:16] The Legend of Chun-Li.

[20:21] Motorcycle Bandit says, hey, I don't drink this shit.

[20:24] You go sell it to someone else and give me the money.

[20:27] That's not how it works.

[20:29] That's not how bars work.

[20:31] It's not like you now have ownership of the beer

[20:33] and you're going to outsource to the bartender to reach.

[20:37] Like I can't handle this.

[20:38] I can't handle the acid in that tomato-based drink.

[20:41] You take it back.

[20:42] Maybe someone got sprayed by a skunk and poured it on him.

[20:45] Could I exchange this for store credit?

[20:49] I don't think so.

[20:55] Don't you have like a token I can use to get into this?

[20:59] Just give me two free plays on the jukebox called Square.

[21:03] Okay, tell you what.

[21:04] You take back the drink and I'll pay a dollar.

[21:06] Give me like a hot dog.

[21:10] It's not how it works.

[21:10] Sir, you don't want, this is not a party.

[21:13] No exchanges, sir.

[21:15] It says it right over there.

[21:16] And another guy walks up.

[21:17] Yeah, I decided I don't want half this shot of whiskey.

[21:20] Can I get like a bucket of popcorn?

[21:23] We don't exchange, sir.

[21:24] No exchanges.

[21:25] I ate a quarter of this pickled egg.

[21:27] Will you take it back?

[21:28] Can you take it back?

[21:29] Ah, it isn't as it was advertised.

[21:33] I was expecting more pickle juice.

[21:34] Can I get a partial refund?

[21:37] Versus.

[21:38] And while she's there, she knocks out a bunch of gunmen

[21:40] by kicking them while swinging around the stripper pole.

[21:43] And Moon.

[21:44] Again, sounds more exciting than it is.

[21:45] Yeah, it's really not.

[21:46] And Moon, blood good, says to him like,

[21:49] maybe she's just an angry stripper.

[21:51] And Chris Klein's like, oh yeah.

[21:53] An irate pole dancer decided to go ahead.

[21:58] And it's like, sorry, the levels are off the charts.

[22:00] Your hand motions definitely weren't captured.

[22:03] But it's literally like,

[22:04] Dan, you were saying when we were watching the movie,

[22:06] it's like the director said like,

[22:07] here you're being sarcastic.

[22:08] And Chris Klein was like, no, I got it.

[22:10] I've been practicing.

[22:11] Yeah, I know how to do this.

[22:13] I got this one, coach.

[22:14] So really, there's a big,

[22:17] like, it is the most ridiculous sarcasm.

[22:20] Roll out!

[22:22] Now, that movie does feature

[22:23] one of my favorite movie performances of all time

[22:28] by Chris Klein, as I don't know what his character's name is.

[22:32] And who's the bad guy in that with the blue eyes?

[22:34] Neil McDonough?

[22:35] Oh, Neil McDonough.

[22:36] I mean, the thing is, like, the Chris Klein,

[22:39] I've seen a super cut of just when he's on screen,

[22:42] you know, saying a line.

[22:44] And it's only five minutes.

[22:45] It's one of those things where the choices he makes

[22:49] are so weird that it overshadows.

[22:51] And it's amazing that he won

[22:52] Best Supporting Actor for that.

[22:53] The whole thing.

[22:54] For so little screen time.

[22:55] Yeah, yeah.

[22:56] When I would think that's more of a lead role.

[22:58] This is Easy Rider 2 colon The Ride Home

[23:01] versus Street Fighter colon The Legend of Chun-Li's.

[23:03] It's the clash of the colons.

[23:05] Two solid choices.

[23:08] Yeah, that was the original title of Clash of the Titans,

[23:10] by the way, it was Clash of the Colons.

[23:12] And it was about colons.

[23:14] Oh, okay.

[23:16] Yeah, and in the remake of Clash of the Titans,

[23:19] instead of release the crack,

[23:20] it originally said release the colon.

[23:22] And an enormous lower GI tract came out.

[23:24] Yeah, yeah, I mean, I guess that makes sense.

[23:26] GI tract, a real American tract.

[23:30] GI tract is there.

[23:32] In your butt.

[23:33] I was, so for reasons that are not important to go into.

[23:39] Yep.

[23:40] I was listening to the G.I. Joe theme.

[23:42] Why not?

[23:44] Earlier today.

[23:45] Party workout mix.

[23:46] And I was laughing.

[23:49] Because like the guy that they have to sing it,

[23:52] like he has a nice voice,

[23:53] but he's also clearly just like working

[23:56] to get the rhythm of the way

[23:58] the lyrics are supposed to go.

[24:00] Cause he's like,

[24:01] G.I. Joe versus Cobra, the enemy.

[24:04] G.I. Joe is there.

[24:06] Anyway, so that was an important thing to say.

[24:10] Yeah.

[24:14] Hi, I'm Biz.

[24:15] And I'm Teresa.

[24:16] And we're the hosts of One Bad Mother,

[24:18] a podcast about parenting.

[24:21] Parenting is hard and we have no advice,

[24:24] but we do see you doing it.

[24:27] Honk if you like to do it.

[24:28] What?

[24:30] Didn't we have a bumper sticker a while back

[24:32] that was like, honk if you did it.

[24:34] That's what it was.

[24:34] I think it was honk if you're doing it.

[24:37] Why did we not ever make those?

[24:39] Those are a good one.

[24:40] We did make them.

[24:41] I think they're still in the MaxFun store.

[24:44] Honk, honk.

[24:45] You're doing it.

[24:47] Thanks, Biz.

[24:48] So are you.

[24:49] Each week, we'll be here to remind you

[24:51] that you're doing a good job.

[24:54] You can find us on MaximumFun.org.

[24:57] Honk, honk.

[24:58] Toot, toot.

[25:00] I listen to Bullseye because

[25:01] Jesse always has really good questions.

[25:03] What did John Malkovich wear when he was 20?

[25:08] I don't know how to describe it.

[25:09] There's always that moment where

[25:11] Jesse asks a question that the person

[25:13] he's interviewing has not thought of before.

[25:16] I don't think anyone's ever said that to me

[25:18] or acknowledged that to me,

[25:20] and that is so real.

[25:22] Bullseye, interviews with creators you love

[25:24] and creators you need to know.

[25:26] From MaximumFun.org and NPR.

[25:30] The Flop House is sponsored in part by Lume Lads.

[25:37] So here's the thing.

[25:39] You probably heard about microdosing.

[25:41] If you look around on the internet,

[25:43] you see stuff about people microdosing

[25:45] to feel healthier and perform better.

[25:49] Our show today is sponsored by Microdose Gummies,

[25:53] which deliver perfect entry-level doses of THC

[25:57] that help you feel just the right amount of good.

[26:02] You know, if you don't want to maybe impair yourself,

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[26:10] but you wanna feel looser, more relaxed,

[26:12] more pleasant, happier, you know.

[26:15] I've used these.

[26:17] It's a way to chill out.

[26:19] They're already dosed properly

[26:23] for that level of experience.

[26:26] The Lume Lads gummies taste good.

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[26:41] To learn more about microdosing THC,

[26:43] just do a quick search online

[26:45] or go to microdosegummies.com

[26:48] and use flop to get free shipping

[26:50] and 30% off your first order.

[26:53] Links can be found in the show description,

[26:55] but again, that's microdosegummies.com

[26:59] and code F-L-O-P.

[27:04] This podcast is also sponsored by Stitch Fix.

[27:08] Your style isn't one size fits all.

[27:11] It's about what suits your body

[27:12] and what suits the moment.

[27:14] That's where Stitch Fix comes in.

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[27:22] they've got you covered.

[27:24] Now, they'll help you with refined workwear,

[27:27] casual basics, anything to kind of elevate your look.

[27:31] You can schedule a fix

[27:32] and a style expert will send you five pieces

[27:34] that fit your style, size, and your price range.

[27:38] Or if you prefer to shop,

[27:40] but don't wanna endlessly browse,

[27:41] you can check out Stitch Fix Freestyle,

[27:44] an online shop built just for you.

[27:46] To get started, you take a style quiz.

[27:48] So Stitch Fix can learn your preferences.

[27:50] Again, whether you are some kind of like,

[27:52] like nerd friendly dad character,

[27:55] or maybe you're like a cool hunky bartender dude,

[27:58] or maybe just like a college professor

[28:01] who may or may not sleep with his TAs.

[28:03] You never know.

[28:04] So Stitch Fix can learn, you take the style quiz,

[28:08] they'll learn your preferences from your favorite colors

[28:11] and preferred fits and your price range.

[28:13] So get started today by filling out your free style quiz

[28:16] at stitchfix.com slash flop house

[28:19] and get free shipping and returns.

[28:21] Stitchfix.com slash flop house.

[28:25] We've had a lot of great sponsors on the show today,

[28:27] but we've got an even greater sponsor.

[28:29] It's us, we're sponsoring ourselves.

[28:31] Kind of, I'll explain.

[28:32] You may have heard already.

[28:34] And if you haven't, then we're not doing our jobs,

[28:35] that we're doing a live online show on March 19th.

[28:39] That's right.

[28:40] In roughly a little bit less than a month or so

[28:42] from when you're hearing this,

[28:43] we'll be doing a live online show.

[28:45] The Flophouse guys are taking it to the streets.

[28:48] And by the streets, I mean the screens,

[28:49] the screens of your computers for a talk about,

[28:52] that's right, Masters of the Universe.

[28:54] Oh boy, we're gonna be talking about

[28:56] the 1987 Masters of the Universe movie.

[28:58] The movie that boldly asked the question,

[29:00] hey, should we make a Masters of the Universe movie?

[29:03] Because they didn't really go all the way

[29:05] and actually do it.

[29:05] We'll explore more when we talk about it.

[29:07] It's really more the fourth world

[29:09] kind of grafted onto Masters of the Universe.

[29:10] And there's also a scene where they eat chicken,

[29:12] which really stuck out to me when I was a kid

[29:13] for obvious reasons.

[29:14] So that's Saturday, March 19th, 9 p.m. Eastern,

[29:17] 6 p.m. Pacific.

[29:19] We're gonna be talking about the Masters of the Universe.

[29:21] But it's a live Flophouse show,

[29:22] so we're not just talking about the movie.

[29:23] We're gonna have new presentations.

[29:24] We're gonna be taking questions from the audience.

[29:26] We're gonna have some other sort of comedy bits.

[29:28] It'll be a lot of fun.

[29:29] It's like we're throwing a little

[29:30] Masters of the Universe party for the three of us,

[29:33] and you're all invited.

[29:34] Very exciting.

[29:35] Isn't that the case?

[29:36] How do I get to this party?

[29:37] It's not a real party.

[29:38] It's just this computer show.

[29:38] Anyway, go to theflophouse.simpletics.com.

[29:42] It's that easy, theflophouse.simpletics.com.

[29:45] And for only $10, that's right,

[29:47] one Hamilton, a $10 founding father without a father,

[29:50] you'll get your access to not just the show,

[29:53] but also one week of being able to watch

[29:56] the recording of the show after it actually happens.

[29:59] So let's.

[30:00] you're not available Saturday March 19th at 9 p.m. Eastern Time. You can still see

[30:04] the show if you buy a ticket any time up to a week after the show airs. So just go

[30:09] to theflophouse.simpletics.com and get ready for laughs and maybe to think a

[30:13] little bit as the Flop Boys take on Masters of the Universe 1987 edition. We

[30:19] hope you can make it. It's gonna be a lot of fun.

[30:25] The next matchup is a very... two movies that are important to the Flophouse, I

[30:33] think, for different reasons. We have The Wicker Man versus I Know Who Killed Me.

[30:42] Meanwhile, everyone's getting ready for the big harvest ritual. They're

[30:48] wearing animal masks. They've got face paint on. They're dancing and parading to

[30:51] pipe music. It all feels very Renfest precious, while Nicolas Cage is having a,

[30:56] you know, knuckle-dragging, balls-out, Lili Stobieski fight, which ends with him

[31:04] back-kicking her into the wall of photos. And she just... I don't know if she's dead

[31:09] or what. She's certainly not dead because she shows up later, but, like, she gives a

[31:13] look like they were... I feel like Neil LaBeouf was like, okay, hold on her for a

[31:18] moment. We will digitally add some birds tweeting around her head. And much like

[31:26] the bike jacking earlier, this is a bear suit jacking. Like, Nicolas Cage steals the

[31:31] bear suit. Versus... I'm gonna play the role of Aubrey Fleming, okay? I'm trapped in

[31:37] this glass coffin. Which I think you could do better than Lindsay Lohan. I appreciate that, Elliot.

[31:41] Now, okay, I imagine, like, okay, I'm getting into character. My hand's been chopped off.

[31:45] My foot's been chopped off. I'm in a weird glass coffin with a weird, like,

[31:47] 19th century milkmaid's dress on with a fucking veil over my face. I've been

[31:51] buried alive. Oh, shit. I'm gonna die. Weird. Oh, man. I'm running out of air. Oh, wait.

[31:56] Is that light I see? Like, moonlight? Oh, somebody's, you know, digging me out of my

[32:00] coffin. Oh, my God. The thing's open. Somebody let me out with their robot hand.

[32:04] Who is it? Oh, my God. It's my fucking twin. Like, somebody looks exactly like me.

[32:09] That's my twin. How am I gonna respond? I'm gonna smile quietly and allow her to

[32:15] help me out and then snuggle up to me. And that's the end of the fucking movie.

[32:18] So, like, the importance here, I think, you know, if I got to spell it out,

[32:25] The Wicker Man, a Nicolas Cage movie, the only Nicolas Cage movie on the bracket.

[32:30] And the one that we did for, I think, our 300th episode, because it was before we had

[32:38] the podcast, but it was, like, the Cage film that everyone talked about when they

[32:42] talk about movies that are maybe not so good. Yeah. And I Know Who Killed Me, of

[32:46] course, the first episode that Elliot was on. Mm-hmm. And a movie that, the more I

[32:53] think about it, the more I'm kind of coming around on it. Yeah. Our

[32:56] conversation with Jordan the other day really helped crystallize what I

[33:01] like about that movie. There's a real school of revisionist I Know Who Killed

[33:04] Me history, and we'll have to see if we join it. Yeah. Yeah. Who knows? We'll see.

[33:09] Whereas The Wicker Man, I think, will continue to be not good when we watch it.

[33:14] We're talking about the Nicolas Cage one and not the Edward Woodward one, right?

[33:18] Not the, yeah, not the good one. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Because that would be weird if we

[33:23] watched that one that we didn't cover on the show, and it's a good movie, right?

[33:27] Yeah, it would be strange. I mean, we'd enjoy it more. I mean, we'd just mainly be

[33:31] singing along to the songs, right? Mm-hmm. And talking about Mr. Lee's fashion,

[33:35] right? Yep. Dancing naked, pounding on a door, too. Yep.

[33:39] Swaying our naked buttocks to and fro. Okay. I mean, it's audio only, so people won't get to see

[33:46] that unless we, I don't know, post it on Instagram Live. We'll describe it

[33:50] verbally in a way that really brings it to life, yeah. Okay. The next category. Now,

[33:56] this is the epitome of what we were talking about before. Do our

[34:00] listeners like us, or do they want to torture us? Oh, they want to torture us, sure.

[34:06] Yeah. Yeah, so what we got here is Tango and Cash versus The Oogie Loves and the

[34:14] Big Balloon Adventure. Round one. Fight! Jack Pounce's henchmen go, why don't we just kill

[34:22] them? And Jack Pounce goes, no, no, we've got to do it this way. No, idiots. You don't

[34:29] understand. Killing them would only make them stronger. Now, do you see why I don't kill them?

[34:36] And the henchmen are like, no, not really. We had them. We would never have to worry about them

[34:42] ever again. Then they would become martyrs to the police. No, they wouldn't. Then they'd be

[34:50] faced with an entire precinct full of Tangos and Cashes. A bunch of hot dogs. Nobody's doing

[34:57] paperwork. Sounds delicious. A bunch of hot dogs. Everybody's stealing pizza. No pizza would be safe around the police station. Versus, they have to get to a

[35:08] windmill to get the last balloon, but a shitty llama won't let them ride their bikes or run on the

[35:15] grass. That sounds crazy when you say it. So it's the only way to get across is to flag down a giant

[35:20] floating sombrero owned by Lola and Lero sombrero played by Jamie Presley and Christopher

[35:28] Lloyd. Sounds like a climax. Jamie Presley does almost all the talking and Christopher Lloyd

[35:34] communicates through his bongo drums and they dance because that dancing is how the sombrero is

[35:39] powered and they go and get it. Like, oh no, they get to the windmill. Then they have to play a

[35:44] flute to make a tulip grow so they can climb to the top so they can use the fish to finally grab

[35:50] the balloon. So you're making this sound like it's some sort of computer game. Use fish on windmill?

[35:58] Yes, you throw the fish and it gets the balloon from the top of the windmill. They got all the balloons. Great.

[36:05] I mean, one of those, one of those is a movie that holds a special place in our hearts because it

[36:13] almost killed us. And the other one is Tango and Cash. So Tango and Cash, a movie that I think we

[36:18] all we all enjoy on on varying levels of irony. And yeah, the Oogie Loves, which I still wake up in the

[36:24] middle of the night, cold sweat, wishing, wishing, praying to the Lord that it was not real. It was

[36:29] all a dream. I think that the intro of that episode had you screaming at the heavens, Oogie Loves. What a

[36:38] movie that was. Yeah, I mean, I feel like if Oogie Loves wins, I will have to travel the travel the

[36:45] world to find some kind of ancient incantation so I can age myself backwards. So this will never have

[36:51] happened. I will say I will say, you know what, like, in terms of go for it. Yeah, no, I'm not going to

[36:58] defend Oogie Loves. I'm going to like make a plea for our own laziness. Like Oogie Loves is one of the

[37:05] shortest movies on the list. And, you know, the editor went mad. That's why the movie was finished.

[37:11] But the problem with doing like our normal show on Oogie Loves is like we watch it, but the terror

[37:17] isn't over. We still have to record an episode on it. If we're just doing a commentary for Oogie

[37:22] Loves, like that's less than 90 minutes, I think. Yeah, that's true. Which is that it might help

[37:26] with the listeners, too, because you guys are trying to trick the voters to not vote for that

[37:32] one. A little reverse psychology. Oh, you won't get as much Fly Prowse content. Oh, but that's okay.

[37:37] Yeah, we would like that. So, okay, we've only got... Star-studded cast. I will mention that.

[37:42] It's a star-studded cast. We've only got two catch-ups left. Okay. I will say... You were about to say two

[37:51] catch-ups left. One was going to be Heinz, but what's the other one? Probably Huntz? Huntz, yeah.

[37:56] Maybe Sir Kensington's? This next match-up, I would be surprised if either of these movies went all the way.

[38:03] So, it's a bit of a... These are, you know, long-shot movies, but they're both real classics.

[38:11] The first, No Deposit. Okay. And the second, Serenity. Round one, fight! Jimmy Valenti slash Frank

[38:21] Angelo is a saint, is a hero. Robert Logea delivers what I thought was the first best line until I

[38:26] remember Joe's argument with his wife. The second best line of the movie, which is,

[38:30] bring a stretcher for this good man. Get garbage bags for these pieces of shit.

[38:38] And the hospital beds are wheeled out, and then... Everyone seems to have forgotten that Mickey was

[38:44] part of the hostage situation by this time, because they're like... That's how they pitch it, though.

[38:49] Like, they say, literally, they're like, these two guys fell as hostage, and they're like,

[38:54] I'm like, what? What do you mean, these two guys? There was a third man.

[39:01] Another favorite of mine. Versus... At this point, I was like, oh, I know what the twist is. Let's

[39:06] see if you, the audience, can guess. Yeah, Matthew McConaughey should have turned to the camera and

[39:11] said, have you figured it out yet, folks? All right, all right, all right. We're going to be

[39:14] revealing in about 20 minutes. See how close you got, Crawdaddy. Oh, wow. That's a big name to be

[39:23] playing Crawdaddy. Yeah, in the movie. Well, I wanted to get, again, cast as Crawdaddy in the

[39:26] movie, since it was my character that I do on television, on SNL. But they wanted a bigger star,

[39:31] so Matthew McConaughey's going to play Crawdaddy. I think he's good casting. He's good casting.

[39:34] I believe him as a guy who raised in the swamps among the moss and the gook, who's now living the

[39:42] middle-class life in a suburb of Connecticut. He works in insurance. That's why he's in Connecticut,

[39:48] too. He's always embarrassing his kids with his down-home bayou knowledge, but that's what gets

[39:54] them out of the jams, too, is all those things he learned wrestling gators and catching crawdads.

[40:00] to it. I can tell you that we're talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're he's about to clarify

[40:06] what kind of jams his kids are getting into. Another Jeremy Strong. Yeah. Yeah, that's

[40:15] right. Play the role. Oh, a repeat small member. Oh, tour and serenity. One of the movies that

[40:26] you know, like, is one of the stranger big budget movies of recent years. Yeah. No deposit

[40:33] includes the immortal line, of course, delivered by Robert Lowe's. Get a body bag for this

[40:39] good man. Get a stretcher for this good man. And bring brings the garbage bags for these

[40:42] pieces. Oh, Elliot, if you think that I didn't pull that exact clip, we talked about it,

[40:51] but it bears repeating. It does. Yeah. Yeah. A good cast deserves a second mention. A perfect

[40:57] line reading doesn't exist. And yeah, and serenity, which is yeah, it's just a straight

[41:04] serenity is one of those movies where I think if I could live to a thousand years old, I'd

[41:07] never fully understand what was going on or why it is why it happens. All right. Now,

[41:16] the final matchup. OK, guys, I think we're I think we know who's going to win this one.

[41:22] But OK, that's because the probable winner is such a juggernaut. I don't know if anything

[41:29] else can happen. I think I know one of them. But here we go. Final matchup. Geostorm. OK,

[41:37] versus cats. The original Geostorm. Round one. Fight. And Chang warns Max that if Dutch

[41:46] Boy breaks down, it could cause a chain reaction of storms and bad weather. Called? Called?

[41:53] A Geostorm. Yeah. Once the Geostorm starts, nothing can stop it. Not even the power of

[41:59] love. The most powerful thing in the universe. So get out of here, Huey Lewis. And that doesn't

[42:06] take money. It doesn't. Don't take fame. No. Don't need a credit card to ride that train.

[42:10] No, that's very ahead of his time that he's talking about buying a train ticket with a

[42:15] credit card. You couldn't really do that at the time. Yeah, that's right. That's right.

[42:20] Huey Lewis, futurist. That's more than Raymond Kurzweil. I don't see any fucking singularities

[42:25] going on. Huey Lewis. Any notice that it is hip to be square these days. Am I right with

[42:30] these tech billionaires and everything? Huey Lewis. It should be called Huey Lewis and

[42:34] the Nostradamuses. All right. It's that kind of forward thinking that reminds me of that

[42:39] Van Halen song, Panama, where one of the scat lines, I'm pretty sure David Lee Roth says,

[42:45] set your cell phone down, which is wild. It's just like it's just like there was that Charlie

[42:52] Chaplin movie from a while ago where people were like, a woman's using a cell phone in

[42:55] the background. Look at that. It was like, well, she's clearly not. But OK, I you know

[43:00] what, if that's the world you want to live in and sure, Kazam starring Sinbad was a movie

[43:04] like sure. OK, versus the moment I first started giggling uncontrollably and just genuinely

[43:12] couldn't stop was thinking about these introductions and imagining if like that's how I like life

[43:20] went for me. Like if I met a new person, they were like, hey, I'm a mumbly peg, the story

[43:26] human. Like my deal is, I'll tell you for nine minutes, you'd be starting a new job and be like,

[43:32] well, tell us about yourself, Dan. I'm Dan McCoy, a kind of fellow. Sometimes I'm angry

[43:37] and sometimes I'm an L. Yes, perfect. Not to stop you. You don't have to tell me your extra.

[43:43] I already know it. I want to give my condolences to Geostorm on this one right off the bat.

[43:51] I will. Geostorm is a super fun, dumb movie. It's one of the dumbest disaster movies I think

[43:57] I've ever seen in my life, where someone where the villain decides he's going to he's going to

[44:02] kill the president United States using a storm. And then he's also in the same building. Crime,

[44:07] Elliot. And is he going to put God on trial? And and it's also on a I'd like to see them try. It's

[44:15] on a space station where people are playing video games with wired controllers. I haven't

[44:22] had a wired controller in like 20 years. It's going to come around. It's it's it's going to be

[44:28] a big, big trend. But of course, it's up against cats, which is, I guess, the movie that they

[44:33] should bury in a time capsule for for 10,000 years to explain why society collapsed. I think

[44:40] I think it's the first movie to be to be inducted into the Library of Congress on the day of release

[44:44] as culturally and aesthetically significant. No, no, you're thinking of the Bizarro Library.

[44:50] That's right. That's where everything's filed backwards. Yeah, I love bad movies. That's the

[45:00] library. Bizarro Librarian, of course. Yeah. Yeah. So cats is a super fan favorite. Yeah. Yeah. So

[45:08] those are the those are the the matchups. As I said, you can start checking in on Monday of this

[45:16] week or these polls. And then once we get winners on these, obviously the winners will go on to

[45:23] battle each other and tell, you know, in the words of Highlander, they can be there can be only one.

[45:28] Not really accurate here because we could do more, but we're just not going to. Obviously. Yeah. So

[45:35] head over to the Twitter account where you can vote. And also you will see, I'm sure, us all

[45:41] lobbying for the movies of our choice. I'm sure I will be on my Instagram constantly lobbying for

[45:47] anything but a food fight. I'll be making these like heartfelt videos, like smearing ashes on my

[45:57] face, wearing a hair shirt, anything to convince him not to choose a food fight. You got to do the

[46:02] Blair Witch up the nose crying video. Just just begging, please. No. Yeah. You're so sorry. No.

[46:11] Those will be over at the flop house pod. You know, if you are not currently a Max Fund member,

[46:20] but you want access to the bonus content, as we said, the drive is coming up once a year. If you

[46:25] don't know, we asked people to go to Maximum Fund dot Maximum Fund dot org slash join, become members

[46:32] to help support the show and supporters at all levels will have access to this commentary and

[46:40] a bunch of other stuff. We're just getting ahead of the game by finding out what you would be

[46:47] interested in to hear for that bonus content. If you're not members, I'm sorry that we took up your

[46:55] time, but I hope that you found enjoyment in hearing us take a walk down flop memory lane

[47:01] and talk about these movies. And if this is your first episode, you picked the wrong one, dude.

[47:06] Yeah, very confusing. I you know, I recommend checking out checking out one of the shows that

[47:14] we pulled clips from. Maybe those are those are generally considered to be good ones. Yeah, go for

[47:19] it. But thank you to not Legend of Tunley. I can't vouch for that one. I wasn't there.

[47:24] Thanks, Alex Smith, our producer, who we may do a little extra work this week for the clips and

[47:31] such. Thank you to Maximum Fund, the network that we belong to. Go to Maximum Fund dot org.

[47:40] Check out other great shows, you know, and normally there might be more spiel, but we've

[47:46] done a lot of technical stuff. So I just want to say thanks for listening. I've been Dan McCoy.

[47:52] I've been Stuart Wellington. And I'm Ellie Cantlin, all revved up for Max Fund Drive.

[47:57] Coming to you soon. Maximum Fund dot org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience

[48:09] supported.

FH Mini 49 - YOU Choose a Commentary

Transcript

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