Ep. #370 - Moonfall

Elliott Kalan

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Moonfall.

[0:03] The frontrunner for the 2023 Academy Award for Stupidest Movie.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[0:37] I am Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:39] Heyo, it's me, Stuart Wellington.

[0:42] Also at the Flophouse.

Elliott Kalan

[0:43] And I'm...

[0:43] Okay, I'm sorry.

[0:45] Can I step...

Stuart Wellington

[0:47] I want to step on your introduction.

Elliott Kalan

[0:48] I didn't realize you were giving your credits also.

[0:49] You did.

[0:50] Sorry to mean to step.

[0:51] No, no, I stepped on...

[0:51] I'm Ellie Kalin, stepping on Stuart's crediting of himself as from the Flophouse in this intro to the Flophouse.

Stuart Wellington

[0:56] Something I've never done before, but I was trying it out, and I guess I shouldn't try new things.

Dan McCoy

[1:01] Shriek having the powers of shriek sort of situation.

[1:05] Yeah, it's one of those, yeah.

[1:07] So, hey, this is a podcast where we watch a movie that has been a critical or a commercial flop.

[1:15] And then we just talk about it.

[1:17] We discuss it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17] And occasionally we provide a forum for the feelings of people who have been either to or have come from Topeka, Kansas.

[1:24] Yes.

[1:25] And their feelings about Topeka, Kansas.

[1:26] So that's not as regular.

Dan McCoy

[1:27] It's a secondary mission.

[1:30] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31] I would say.

[1:32] If we complete our first mission and there's still time.

[1:34] Sometimes we take on that one.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35] Yeah, if we do it, we'll get some bonus victory points.

[1:38] And that might tip the scales if the game's really close.

Dan McCoy

[1:41] So you're wearing your sunglasses inside.

[1:43] Is that because you're so cool?

Elliott Kalan

[1:45] No, it's because I'm fucking hungover as shit, dude.

[1:48] Okay, all right.

[1:48] You were there.

[1:49] It's really throwing me off.

[1:49] I was there.

[1:50] I was there.

[1:51] It's really throwing me off that Stuart's wearing his sunglasses because I keep thinking he's going to terminate Dan.

[1:55] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:56] Yeah.

[1:56] You think – because normally I'm just kind of boring like Snoopy.

[2:01] But when I put these sunglasses on, I become Joe Cool who murders people.

Elliott Kalan

[2:05] Yeah.

[2:06] A lot of people don't realize that there was a whole run of Peanuts comic strips which were removed and expunged from the newspapers where Joe Cool goes on a killing spree on a rampage.

[2:15] Yeah.

[2:15] He doesn't kill any of the main characters from Peanuts.

[2:17] But there's a reason you don't see a lot of the adults.

[2:19] He's a contract killer.

[2:19] And that's the thing.

[2:20] Yeah, exactly.

Stuart Wellington

[2:20] He's been removed because I think you've gone on record in that you don't believe in glorifying contract killers and assassins.

[2:28] No, very much.

Elliott Kalan

[2:28] I think the pop culture stereotype of the cool, smooth assassin who is a lethal hitman with amazing taste in suits and just total control is not just a pathetic fantasy, but also a fantasy that leads to the idealization of certain antisocial and hostile tendencies.

[2:52] And certainly I don't want to see Snoopy playing into that.

[2:54] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[2:54] I think you're specifically talking about Dan Aykroyd in Gross Point Blank, right?

[2:58] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[2:59] Yeah.

[2:59] Well, I think if you're going to believe that all assassins are as cool and hot and just stylish and graceful as Dan Aykroyd in Gross Point Blank, then you're asking for people to try to go into a line of work that's very difficult, that's very hard to make a career in and very hard to get an opening in.

[3:15] So it's what I tell people all the time.

Stuart Wellington

[3:16] This kind of sounds like some lines from Gross Point Blank.

Elliott Kalan

[3:20] Yeah, I guess you're right.

[3:22] So we're here today to talk about Gross Point Blank.

[3:24] Anyway, this is a movie starring John Cusack and Dan Aykroyd.

[3:27] And Minnie Driver.

[3:28] And Minnie Driver, who is, of course, the daughter of the Micro Machines guy.

[3:31] That's why she's named Minnie Driver.

[3:33] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[3:34] Yeah.

[3:36] She and Baby Driver are pals.

Elliott Kalan

[3:38] Yeah, she had to work so hard to lose her accent of talking too fast so that she could be an actress.

[3:44] I remember seeing some cut scenes from Circle of Friends where she's just talking way too fast and they keep saying, Minnie, Minnie, you gotta slow down.

Stuart Wellington

[3:51] They had to slow her down for TV audiences.

[3:54] Similar to when Jet Li was in Lethal Weapon 4 and they had to slow down some of his scenes because he was moving too quickly.

[4:01] Yeah, because he was taught martial arts by the Micro Machines.

[4:02] Yeah, that's true.

[4:03] I'm not – exactly.

[4:05] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[4:08] Guys, I also am a little low energy now that you talk about it.

[4:13] Yeah.

[4:13] I'm sort of sweating a little.

Elliott Kalan

[4:15] You were both out late last night and I spent this morning climbing up a hill carrying a three-year-old.

[4:20] Oh, no.

[4:21] So we went on a hike and he actually did a great job going up.

[4:24] But on the way down, he was like, my legs are tired and that means daddy carry me all the way down.

[4:28] So we're three tired guys.

[4:30] So it's too bad we're here to talk about Moonfall, a movie that would really benefit from a high energy analysis.

Dan McCoy

[4:35] Yeah, a lot of jazz.

[4:36] Well, let's hope that it rescues us from our energy funk.

[4:41] Okay.

[4:42] Let's –

[4:42] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[4:42] The gravity of the moon will pull our energy back up into the stratosphere.

[4:46] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[4:47] Much as it does many objects in the movie, even though the Earth has more gravity than the moon and that's one of the reasons that the moon orbits the Earth in real life.

[4:54] You know.

[4:57] What?

[4:58] Well, but –

[4:58] I don't know the exact science of it, but if the moon got – the moon does help the tides pull up, but it's not like if – I don't know.

[5:03] I don't know how close the moon has to be for water to literally fly off of the Earth as in the movie.

[5:08] Well, I do know –

[5:09] Scientists, right in.

[5:10] Neil deGrasse Tyson, right in.

Dan McCoy

[5:11] Look, I don't know about the – I mean, I don't know about the science of what you're saying.

[5:14] I do know that if it was close enough that that could happen, we would all be long dead.

Elliott Kalan

[5:19] Oh, for sure.

[5:20] That part's right.

[5:21] That goes without saying.

[5:22] So, Stu, you're going to take us on this space flight through the cosmos today, right?

Stuart Wellington

[5:29] Yeah, sure.

Elliott Kalan

[5:31] Okay, yeah.

[5:32] Why not?

[5:32] And you know what?

[5:33] This was also the first time where I was like, you know what?

[5:36] Every time I watch the movie and take notes, it takes that much longer.

[5:39] I end up having to stay up late at night a bunch of times.

[5:41] Stu's doing the summary.

[5:42] I'm not even going to take notes on this one.

[5:43] So, I have no notes, Stuart.

[5:45] So, you are on your own.

Stuart Wellington

[5:46] Okay, yeah.

[5:48] No life preserver on this one.

[5:51] Just raw dog and moon fall.

[5:52] Okay.

[5:53] You are falling off the moon without a net.

[5:55] Okay.

[5:55] So, it opens with some footage of space and some production logos.

[6:01] And then, once again, we're in space.

[6:03] And we get a date.

[6:07] January 12th, 2011.

[6:10] And I'm like, wow, man.

[6:12] To be back there, you know.

[6:13] 2011.

[6:14] Living the dream.

[6:15] Yeah.

[6:16] I would warn those people so many different things.

[6:20] I mean, sure, you know, the moon's going to be a problem.

[6:22] But, you know, there's so many other issues going on.

[6:24] Yeah, yeah.

[6:25] The moon is the least one problem.

Dan McCoy

[6:26] So, you think that this occurs in the same timeline that we're currently existing in?

[6:29] Because I don't know if you remember, but back in, you know, like the moon didn't crash into the earth at any point.

[6:38] So, like that didn't happen.

Stuart Wellington

[6:39] Oh, yeah.

[6:39] I guess you're right.

[6:40] No, you're right.

[6:40] Okay.

[6:40] So, this is an alternate timeline.

[6:42] Okay.

[6:42] So, any time where the timelines converge, you have to make sure you let me know.

[6:47] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[6:48] Dan, I'm curious.

[6:48] And I want to know where the timelines diverge.

[6:50] So, what are they not dealing with in this movie that we're dealing with nowadays?

[6:54] Because, obviously, we're not dealing with the moon crashing into the earth.

[6:57] But what are our –

[6:58] Do they just assume that –

Stuart Wellington

[6:59] They don't seem to be dealing with a shortage of baby formula.

[7:02] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[7:03] Yeah.

[7:03] No one mentions that in the movie.

Dan McCoy

[7:05] No, I think that somewhere along the line, we were given a choice.

[7:08] The moon can almost crash into us or we can just have a panoply of a horrible –

[7:15] Like, just like a smorgasbord that in – when you combine them, it feels almost equally unpleasant.

[7:24] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[7:25] I got to say, I mean, the earth is running out of oxygen in the movie and buildings are being destroyed by chunks of moon rocks falling in the sky.

[7:31] I'll take this universe.

[7:33] You finally create an alternate universe where I'm like, yeah, I'll stick where I am.

[7:36] I don't need to go to that one.

Stuart Wellington

[7:39] I think I'm going for the moon.

[7:40] But we'll see if I make the right call.

[7:42] Let's go on.

Elliott Kalan

[7:43] I don't need to live in the universe where Sam Tarly is in love with Elon Musk and can't stop talking about how great Elon Musk is.

Dan McCoy

[7:51] So I saw this movie in the theater and I want to talk about that.

Elliott Kalan

[7:56] Yeah, give us some backstory, Dan, before Stuart gets us – oh, Stuart's established that we're in space in 2011.

[8:00] We're in space.

[8:00] So, Dan, give us some backstory.

Dan McCoy

[8:01] I want to talk a little bit about that – well, I was going to say later, but I can do it now.

[8:05] But I will say I had a great time watching Moonfall in the theater.

[8:08] But the one part that disgusted me was every time he was like, what would Elon do?

[8:15] Or he's like, oh, Elon, I love him.

[8:17] I'm like, fuck you, guy.

[8:20] I almost don't want you to save the world.

[8:23] I totally buy those.

Stuart Wellington

[8:24] And you saw it in 4DX, so when anytime he said Elon did the chair shake.

Dan McCoy

[8:28] Yeah, that's what I wanted to talk about.

[8:29] I saw this movie in 4DX, which if you're unfamiliar with it, the fourth dimension in this case is a chair that fucks with you.

Elliott Kalan

[8:39] The four dimensions of width, height, depth, and shaking.

[8:44] Yeah.

[8:45] And water in your face sometimes.

[8:47] Yeah, but you get squirted.

Stuart Wellington

[8:48] I had never seen it.

Elliott Kalan

[8:50] As we know, the fourth dimension is squirts.

Dan McCoy

[8:53] Yeah.

[8:54] Well, that's why all Gallagher concerts are in 4DX.

[8:58] All of them.

[8:59] Every single one.

[9:00] Every single one.

[9:02] I had never seen a movie this way before.

[9:05] And I sort of assumed that the movement of the chair would be subtle, let's say.

[9:12] Oh, wow.

[9:12] And I will say, I'll tell you this.

[9:14] It is not.

[9:14] It is basically like you're on an amusement park ride, which is what this movie tries to be.

[9:22] Yeah.

[9:22] Well, the intelligence of this movie is perfectly matched to 4DX because it is.

Elliott Kalan

[9:27] I have to say, the level of intelligence of the movie, it should be the video you're watching as you're about to get on a roller coaster called The Moonfall.

[9:35] Yeah.

[9:35] Yeah, yeah.

[9:36] Quick!

Stuart Wellington

[9:37] We need to go to the moon to fix it.

[9:38] You, hold this.

Elliott Kalan

[9:41] Well, I guess you'll do.

[9:43] Okay, climb into your lunar pod and it's just a roller coaster car.

[9:47] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[9:47] Yeah.

[9:47] But these chairs, they don't just sort of like shift around.

[9:50] Like at the beginning, for instance, we're in space, they were like listing and drifting as if you were, you know, in zero gravity.

[9:57] That sounds awesome.

[9:58] But they also –

[9:58] And they sucked all the oxygen out of the theater too, so it felt like space.

Elliott Kalan

[10:02] Yeah.

[10:02] Yeah, it was just like the sense around scene in Kentucky Fried movie, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[10:05] They also have parts that kind of like the seat will sort of like jab you in the back at times and it will squirt water at you.

[10:12] You better believe later on there's some water scenes where we got squirted a lot.

[10:17] Now, the weird thing is, Dan, I saw –

[10:18] And air will be puffed at you.

Elliott Kalan

[10:19] I didn't get to see Moonfall in 40X, but I did see Belfast in 40X and it seemed like it really distracted from the experience.

Stuart Wellington

[10:28] So, guys, we're in space.

[10:30] We got some astronauts.

[10:34] We have –

[10:34] Who are these astronauts?

[10:35] Tell us about them.

[10:36] Harper played by Patrick Wilson.

[10:40] He's kind of like the hero, hero type.

Dan McCoy

[10:43] Yeah, he is kind of like the hero.

Stuart Wellington

[10:45] And his partner is Halle Berry who plays Joe Fowler.

[10:52] I believe.

[10:52] Jacinda Fowler.

[10:53] Jacinda Fowler.

[10:53] Who's kind of like another hero.

[10:55] She's another hero, but she's a little more level-headed, I think.

[10:59] But actually, no, because she makes some interesting choices later on.

Elliott Kalan

[11:04] Well, Jacinda Fowler is – she's supposed to be characterized as like the by-the-book one and Patrick Wilson is the loose cannon.

[11:10] But they're both fairly loose cannon-y and neither one is someone who should be in a position of authority.

[11:15] Like neither of them plays –

[11:16] They saved the world from the moon, Elliot.

[11:19] That's true, actually.

[11:19] Because the only way to do it was to break the rules of gravity and physics.

[11:23] If that's wrong, I don't want to be right.

[11:25] Yeah.

[11:25] They were like, hey, we won't be held back by the laws of physics.

[11:28] Those laws were made to be broken.

[11:30] Yep.

[11:30] And they're introduced arguing over the lyrics to Toto's Africa.

[11:35] And it's like, come on.

[11:37] Like, how much more of a boomer granddad movie could this be introduced us to?

[11:41] That like – the movie takes place in 2011.

[11:43] It's already an old song that they're arguing about.

[11:46] Yeah.

[11:46] But anyway.

Dan McCoy

[11:48] It was extremely popular.

[11:49] It was like the number one played on Spotify, though, like a couple years back.

Elliott Kalan

[11:53] That's true.

[11:54] People do love it.

[11:55] I think because –

Stuart Wellington

[11:55] I mean, it probably like trended on fucking TikTok or some shit.

Dan McCoy

[11:59] Well, like I think like Weezer – like people wanted Weezer to do a cover and then they did.

[12:06] And like, I guess great.

[12:07] Who are those people?

[12:09] Your change.org petition worked.

[12:12] Weezer did a cover of Africa by Toto.

[12:15] You know what?

[12:15] No, thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[12:16] You know, I talk about the baby boomers a lot and how much they ruined things.

[12:19] But I will say that they did marshal a lot of their resources towards protesting like a war as opposed to huge campaigns to get the Snyder Cut released or get Weezer cut to cover a Toto song.

Dan McCoy

[12:30] I think there have been plenty of protests lately, Elliot.

[12:35] But anyway, let's –

Stuart Wellington

[12:37] Yeah, no, Elliot's only focusing on those protests.

[12:40] Yeah.

[12:40] And who knows?

[12:41] And you're also probably ignoring all the dumbass protests that probably happened back in the 60s where people were like, release the big bopper cut of this fucking song or some shit.

[12:51] That's probably true.

[12:51] Yeah, yeah.

[12:54] They just – that shit doesn't get in the history books.

[12:56] The first person had a bunch more.

[12:57] Hello, baby.

[12:58] Yeah.

[13:02] Okay.

[13:02] So they're hanging out with their – they're arguing about Toto.

[13:07] They're not even like hold the line or something.

[13:12] Okay.

[13:13] And they don't hold the line when a bunch of space debris that actually behaves like a living thing.

[13:19] It's like this swarm of nanomachines slams into them.

[13:23] Micromachines, if you will.

Elliott Kalan

[13:25] And they're moving really fast.

Stuart Wellington

[13:26] That's true, actually.

[13:28] And it sends them spinning.

[13:30] It knocks Joe out.

[13:31] The only person who – the only people who witness it are Patrick Wilson and Marcus who goes spinning off into space never to be seen again.

[13:41] Bye-bye Marcus.

[13:42] A horrible death.

[13:44] But we learn later that Patrick Wilson manages to get back on the shuttle.

[13:48] Despite the electricity being out on the shuttle, he manages to land it.

[13:53] The only human to ever do such a thing.

[13:55] He lands the shuttle safely.

[13:57] I think it's very funny.

Elliott Kalan

[13:58] They keep saying you're the only person who's ever landed a space shuttle without any power, which is pretty impressive.

[14:03] But it's like not that many people have the chance to land a space shuttle.

[14:06] Yeah, yeah.

[14:06] Exactly, yeah.

[14:07] So it's like you're the first person ever to fart on the moon.

[14:10] Yeah.

[14:10] Well, most people don't have that opportunity.

Dan McCoy

[14:12] You're saying it's like the – sort of like most accidents happen in the home.

[14:17] Like, yeah, no shit.

[14:18] That's where you are all the time.

Stuart Wellington

[14:20] Or like when Elliot's always talking about how he could dunk a basketball.

[14:24] He just doesn't try.

[14:25] Yeah.

[14:25] But if he tried, he probably could.

[14:27] He probably could.

Elliott Kalan

[14:27] I'd probably be – yeah, I'd probably have the record.

[14:29] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[14:30] Yeah.

[14:30] Or if like for some reason you were at a hockey game with your brother and one of the goalkeepers got sick with diarrhea.

[14:39] And they're like –

[14:40] Yeah, they call that a brown ice situation.

[14:42] Yeah.

[14:43] Yeah.

[14:43] Does anyone in the audience – can anyone play goalkeeper?

[14:47] And the thing is, for whatever reason, you get volunteered.

[14:50] Yeah.

[14:50] So they suit you up and you go on the ice.

[14:52] And you know what?

[14:52] I bet you'd be amazing at it.

[14:54] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[14:55] Yeah.

[14:55] I mean, that's why I don't do it is because I'd be so good that I'd blow the other players out of the water.

[14:58] That's the thing.

[14:59] Yeah.

[14:59] Frozen water, ice.

[15:00] It would change the game.

[15:01] Yeah.

[15:02] So back on Earth.

[15:03] Oh, and then also –

[15:04] That's the thing.

Elliott Kalan

[15:04] All these hockey fans would be like, we could have had this all these years and they wouldn't be able to live with the missed opportunities.

[15:10] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[15:12] So we also see that on the moon, something's going on.

[15:18] Like the swarm is doing something to the moon.

[15:19] Everything's happening on the moon.

[15:21] Shortly afterwards, hero astronaut Patrick Wilson is –

Elliott Kalan

[15:25] It's funny because everything's happening on the moon, but that place, I can tell you guys, there's no atmosphere.

Stuart Wellington

[15:30] Yeah.

[15:32] It's such a party place, but no atmosphere.

[15:33] Vibes are off.

[15:34] So Patrick Wilson is on trial.

[15:38] Well, not trial.

Dan McCoy

[15:39] We can introduce this.

[15:40] Let's not ignore the fact that like we hear – like he's in the middle of like getting divorced.

[15:47] His wife is moving out.

[15:49] They're like moving stuff.

[15:51] And like the reason we hear that he is, you know, in these hearings is because his young son is watching them on the laptop.

Stuart Wellington

[16:00] So you're saying he's a young son.

[16:02] He's a young son and kind of diminutive.

[16:04] He's small.

[16:05] So what do you call him, a sonny?

Elliott Kalan

[16:07] He is called Sonny.

[16:09] That is his name.

[16:09] That is what they call him.

[16:10] They named him after their favorite James Caan character.

Dan McCoy

[16:15] But it was so funny to me like that he's – like I couldn't tell whether these are like – these presumably are not live hearings.

[16:22] Like he's just revisiting his father's –

Elliott Kalan

[16:24] He says he is obsessively re-watching the hearings.

[16:28] And what I read was that this scene was actually shot later to explain things to the audience, that this scene was not originally in there.

[16:34] And they needed a scene that basically said they blamed your father for the space shuttle emergency.

[16:42] That's why he doesn't work for NASA anymore and he can't get a job and why we're moving and we don't talk to him and I'm getting remarried to Michael Pena.

[16:48] Like that's all the stuff.

[16:49] And a gratuitous dig on New Jersey in there, the kid goes, do we have to move to New Jersey?

[16:54] I hate New Jersey.

[16:55] And they don't move to New Jersey.

[16:56] I don't know why it gets brought up.

[16:58] They don't live there in it.

Stuart Wellington

[16:59] I mean, yeah.

[17:00] They may briefly move to New Jersey.

[17:02] I mean, we don't – there's a 10-year jump coming here.

[17:06] They could have moved around during that time.

Elliott Kalan

[17:08] That's where Michael Pena's first dealership was and then he expands nationwide and he – just so he can get out of that hellhole.

[17:14] It is the garden state.

Dan McCoy

[17:15] This is one of the first of many dumb things in the movie too where – oh, you think this movie is dumb?

Elliott Kalan

[17:21] Well, I would argue.

[17:23] I don't think it's the first.

[17:24] I think the dumb things start right from the beginning of the movie.

Dan McCoy

[17:26] Well, one of the first.

[17:28] Like they fired him from NASA.

[17:30] They decided it was human error, all this shit.

[17:33] And it's like I guess later on we're meant to believe it's part of the cover-up that we find.

[17:38] But it's like she was knocked unconscious by something.

[17:43] It's not human error.

[17:45] Like whether or not you think that his crazy story about nanobots is true, you know, like she was knocked unconscious and he did rescue her and piloted it at home.

[17:55] So like for them to be like, all of it is your fault is weird to me.

Elliott Kalan

[18:01] You'd think they'd want to keep close to the guy who is powerful enough that he can knock out a spaceship on his own.

[18:07] You know, that they wouldn't want to throw him out of the organization and give him a reason to go against NASA.

[18:10] But it is very – there's a lot of – there's just a lot of – this whole movie has – the style of the movie is like dumbness.

[18:17] It's to be dumb.

[18:18] It's to be dumb.

[18:19] And I texted Dan and Stuart and I was like, I'm 20 minutes of this movie.

[18:22] It's maybe the most flagrantly stupid movie I've ever seen.

[18:25] It's like the movie is –

[18:26] You're barely in it.

[18:27] It got so much dumb.

[18:28] It's like it's waving its stupidness in your face and it keeps daring you thinking – it's like, you think this is as dumb as I can get?

[18:35] I can get dumber.

[18:37] We're going to get stupider.

[18:38] Like you have to really admire the movie because the movie at no point decides to be reasonable or rational.

[18:43] It's just so stupid.

[18:45] Like there's – we'll get to it.

[18:46] But there's a plot development where someone makes an information leap that is something that I thought movies didn't do anymore.

[18:54] There's the one trick that involves a newspaper getting dirty in a place where there's an article that has information the characters.

[19:00] And like shoot them up and make fun of that 15 or whatever years ago.

[19:04] Like it's – I was like movie.

[19:06] This is amazing.

Stuart Wellington

[19:07] So we have a 10-year jump.

[19:09] Nothing happens between 2011 and 2021.

[19:13] We are introduced to –

Elliott Kalan

[19:14] I think they refer to it as the great boring time in the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[19:17] We are introduced to Casey Hausman, kind of an oddball conspiracy theorist fellow who we will later learn is actually –

[19:27] Is a megastructurist.

[19:29] Yeah.

[19:30] Mm-hmm.

[19:30] And he has broken into a facility and is using – trying to use a satellite to track the motion of the moon.

[19:39] Moving on.

Elliott Kalan

[19:41] I was going to say Casey Hausman is the classic character we've seen in other Flophouse movies like Godzilla vs. Kong where he is the character who believes the thing that all of science says is not true.

[19:52] And the movie says, yes, you're right.

[19:54] Do your own research from now on on the internet.

[19:56] You cannot trust scientists.

[19:58] You can't trust the scientific consensus.

[20:00] If you have a crazy fucked up theory and you've pierced together a bunch of things from computers that prove you right, you're right.

[20:07] Do you think –

[20:08] Don't go with it.

[20:08] Don't listen to authorities.

[20:09] You know better than they do.

Stuart Wellington

[20:10] Do you think like a generation of people growing up with pop culture reinforcing that character and stereotype, do you think that's had any positive effects on the world?

Elliott Kalan

[20:19] I'm glad you asked that.

[20:20] I would say nothing but positive effects.

[20:22] Thank you, Stuart.

[20:23] We currently live in an era where everybody is a genius scientist who knows how to – who has basic research skills.

[20:29] So thanks to movies, we've developed that.

[20:31] No, obviously, it's a terrible thing and we now live in a world where nobody trusts anything.

[20:35] And this is – and movies are just one brick in that wall between us and mutual understanding and agreement.

[20:41] But it's a pretty big brick.

[20:42] So it made me mad to see this still being done now.

Dan McCoy

[20:45] Oh, yeah.

[20:45] I mean I don't want to get too real about life but I find it –

[20:49] Get real, man.

[20:49] It's moonfall.

[20:50] Guys, let's just get fucking real.

[20:52] Let's get real.

[20:53] All right.

[20:53] Let me –

[20:54] Let's stop being polite.

[20:54] Let's start being real, dumbass.

[20:55] I was not being polite.

[20:56] Is it like this kind of thinking where it's like I know better.

[21:01] I know best about all sorts of things.

[21:04] Like people's sense of self and self-worth and their own intelligence and all of that must be so tiny if it is threatened by the idea that someone else who has studied a thing might know more than them.

[21:20] Yeah, you're right.

[21:21] You're exactly right.

[21:22] That is absolutely bizarre to me.

[21:24] Like it's like I feel like I'm a fairly smart man.

[21:27] I don't think I could say perform surgery on myself.

Elliott Kalan

[21:31] Well, you know, there's the thing about being smart enough to know what you don't know or to know that there is stuff that you don't know and that that's the basic foundation of wisdom or knowledge.

[21:41] Yeah.

[21:41] But I think there's a lot of people who – and I'm speaking mostly of men but not entirely.

[21:46] It's women also but it's a big part of the male makeup where it's like if I give any ground at all ever, then I am giving them the opportunity to –

[21:56] I have failed.

[21:57] To kill me soul.

[21:59] To kill my soul basically.

[22:00] Yeah, I've failed as a man if I ever admit that I don't know something or I'm wrong about something.

[22:05] And when Casey – and Casey Hausman, he's Sam Tarly so he's super charming.

[22:09] He's got an English accent even though he has an American mom and which is not a plot hole because my own nephew and niece are in the exact same situation.

[22:15] They have American parents but they have English accents.

[22:17] But the –

Stuart Wellington

[22:18] He probably did a semester abroad.

[22:20] No, no.

Elliott Kalan

[22:21] I think his dad is – I think his dad's English and he lived there when he was growing up.

[22:24] Oh, okay.

[22:25] Fine.

Elliott Kalan

[22:25] In the movie.

[22:27] But once he starts talking about Elon Musk, it's like, oh, right.

[22:30] This guy is not like a cute, harmless, wise fool or something.

[22:35] He's probably like an incel.

[22:37] He probably hates women.

[22:38] He's lonely in a way that he could change but he feels like that means compromising with the Stacys of the world or whatever.

[22:45] It's like there's a darker side to this character of Casey Hausman who – and the more the movie went on, the less and less comfortable I became with him.

[22:53] That it was like, oh, yeah, this is not a – this is a guy who is not like probably in real life like not a great guy.

[22:59] Like he's got some negative things about him.

[23:01] And he's probably – I don't want to say he's definitely married to a Japanese body pillow but possibly.

[23:06] So, you know.

Dan McCoy

[23:07] So, he went the full – he made an honest pillow of this.

[23:11] I mean, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[23:11] Yeah, because he believes in the ancient classical Roman standards of humanity and marriage.

[23:17] You know, you have to marry that body pillow.

[23:19] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[23:21] Okay, well, meanwhile, Halle Berry is now the deputy director of NASA.

[23:28] See, that's what happens when you go buy the book is that you get rewarded.

[23:32] When you play the game.

[23:33] Yep.

[23:34] So, she – and she's informed by her team that the moon is in fact coming closer to the Earth.

[23:40] Its rotation is somehow bringing it closer to the planet Earth, which is strange.

Dan McCoy

[23:45] Yeah, and they – so, NASA knows this.

[23:48] And later on, Patrick Wilson is like – he – like talking about Casey, he's like, he figured it out before you guys did.

[23:55] And it's like, no, he didn't.

[23:57] Like this is the thing that annoyed me in the movie.

[23:58] Like he didn't.

[24:00] Like they knew they were working on it.

Elliott Kalan

[24:03] Well, he figured it out like – he figured it out like 12 hours before they did.

Dan McCoy

[24:07] I guess.

[24:07] I mean all he accomplished was like eventually – we'll see.

[24:10] He leaks it to the press, which causes a panic.

[24:12] I mean, although the moon then also starts causing a panic shortly thereafter by sucking things into the sky.

Elliott Kalan

[24:19] I mean, in this case, much as with the Supreme Court recently, I don't think it was the leak that was the problem.

[24:24] I think it was the moon coming towards the Earth that was the problem.

[24:26] Just like with the Supreme Court.

[24:28] Yeah.

[24:29] Where it's the decision is really the troublesome aspect and not so much the leak, you know, in my opinion.

Stuart Wellington

[24:33] So now Casey, you know, trying to figure out a way to get his information out there.

[24:39] He is inspired by his cat Fuzz Aldrin's urine to pick up a urine-soaked newspaper.

[24:47] And he realizes that he could track down disgraced former hero astronaut Patrick Wilson.

[24:53] Oh, wait.

Elliott Kalan

[24:54] Before we – wait, Dan.

[24:55] Say what you're going to say.

[24:55] I want to just rewind to say another stupid thing that the movie does.

Dan McCoy

[24:58] Well, I think we may be talking about the same thing.

[25:00] He tries to call NASA directly before that and he reaches the NASA –

[25:05] Gift shop.

[25:06] Gift shop.

[25:06] Which is apparently open in the middle of the night.

[25:09] Like this woman is there alone.

[25:11] Yes.

[25:11] This is crazy.

[25:13] Like the lights are all out.

[25:14] I'm not sure.

Elliott Kalan

[25:16] The store is closed.

[25:17] The lights are out.

[25:18] And yet there is someone manning the phones and she says, I'll pass you along.

[25:22] I just sell T-shirts to kids.

[25:23] And it's like, hold on.

[25:25] So why does the direct number –

[25:26] Like she's not even doing inventory at this point.

[25:28] Yeah.

[25:29] The only thing I understand is maybe he dated her briefly and he knows – and that's the number she gave him because she does not want him having her real number.

[25:37] Sure, sure.

[25:37] But why – maybe she just turned out the lights because she's about to leave for work.

[25:42] And then she heard the phone ring and she was like, well, I'll pick it up.

[25:44] Maybe it's a question about how much we charge for astronaut ice cream or what it's made out of or whatever.

[25:49] But like the idea that he calls NASA and it's all for the joke of he called the gift shop.

[25:53] But they must have been like, well, he's calling at night.

[25:55] So I guess the gift shop lights should be turned out to show that it's night.

[25:58] Why is she sitting there?

[25:59] Why is she answering the phone?

[26:00] Why is this the number he called?

[26:02] It is – yeah.

[26:02] I'm glad you brought it up, Dan.

[26:03] That's exactly what I want to talk about.

[26:05] It is so mockersly dumb.

Stuart Wellington

[26:05] I think she was half expecting – she answered the phone half expecting it to be Ben Affleck asking if they have live music.

Elliott Kalan

[26:11] Ben, we're a gift shop.

[26:15] We don't.

[26:15] Your wife is not sleeping with a pianist here.

Stuart Wellington

[26:18] So he wants to share his theory that the moon is hollow and artificial created by aliens.

[26:24] The idea that the moon is a megastructure.

[26:27] Which is Latin for big structure.

[26:30] Yep.

[26:30] Patrick Wilson is now divorced.

[26:33] He can't make his rent.

[26:34] He drinks beer.

[26:35] And his son is arrested for taking a sports car for a drug-induced joyride.

[26:40] And it's on TV.

Elliott Kalan

[26:41] It's like your son is on TV right now.

[26:42] And he's being – he's in a high-speed chase.

[26:44] And then later Patrick Wilson is arguing his case.

[26:46] And he's like, he's a good kid.

[26:48] It's like, not really.

[26:49] Doesn't seem to be.

Stuart Wellington

[26:50] All signs point to no.

[26:52] So he attends the bail hearing.

Elliott Kalan

[26:54] He's so rich he didn't know it was a bad thing that he was doing.

Stuart Wellington

[26:57] He has affluenza.

[26:59] Yeah.

[26:59] He attempts – he goes to the bail hearing.

[27:02] But he just ends up messing it up and causing trouble between him, his ex-wife, and her new husband, as we mentioned, played by Michael Peña.

Elliott Kalan

[27:11] And they have two daughters together.

[27:13] Now, here's another dumb thing at the court hearing.

[27:15] And this is – so Michael Peña has hooked Sonny.

[27:17] The fucking lawyer?

[27:19] Yes, the lawyer.

[27:20] He's hooked him up with his high-priced lawyer.

[27:22] And the judge is like, this is outrageous, blah, blah, blah.

[27:26] And the lawyer gets up and he says, your honor, we are very prepared to pay whatever bail you set.

[27:32] Money is no object.

Dan McCoy

[27:34] And it's like, what – are you trying to get him thrown in jail?

[27:37] What are you doing?

[27:38] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[27:38] To get up and be like, don't worry, judge.

[27:40] We're so rich.

[27:41] We can pay whatever fucking amount you charge.

[27:43] It doesn't matter.

[27:44] You're nothing.

[27:45] The system is nothing.

[27:46] He's a rich boy, so we'll just get him out.

[27:48] Like, what a crazy thing for a lawyer to say.

[27:50] I'm sorry I'm using the word crazy so much.

[27:51] It's a – it's just – it's such – it's one of these things where, like, it's such a dumb moment.

[27:56] You know, everything's dumb about it.

Dan McCoy

[27:57] The judge, yeah, throws him in jail because he's like, oh, well, then that means he's a flight risk.

[28:01] But beyond how it's bad strategy there, like, you don't walk into, like, a car dealership and be like, I'm prepared to pay whatever you tell me.

[28:11] Like, this lawyer is not interested in saving Michael Pena any money apparently.

Elliott Kalan

[28:16] But also, like, it's one step above a mobster just peeling bills off of a roll and throwing them at the judge and being like, what do you need?

Dan McCoy

[28:23] What a cost to make this thing go away.

Elliott Kalan

[28:25] Yeah.

[28:26] It's such a nuts thing.

[28:27] And then Patrick Wilson gets up and he goes, your honor, he's a good boy, which is not a great argument.

[28:33] He's like, those were his friend's drugs that were in the car, not his drugs.

[28:37] It's like not a strong argument.

[28:38] That doesn't work.

Stuart Wellington

[28:39] I'm going to tell you, it doesn't work with parents or judges.

[28:44] Okay.

[28:45] So, word gets out that the moon is out of orbit and people start to seriously freak.

Elliott Kalan

[28:51] Society collapses almost instantly.

Stuart Wellington

[28:53] And it feels like half the population just went away.

[28:57] Like, every, I would expect there to be more people in almost all these crowd shots.

Dan McCoy

[29:01] Society collapses almost instantly.

[29:04] And yet, on the other hand, like, stuff seems to keep working for a very long time.

[29:09] Like, people, I mean, like, later on, there's, like, concerns about, like, generators or we got to get oxygen or whatever.

[29:14] But, like, people still have power.

[29:16] But also, there's a lot of people being like, well, I'm going to go.

[29:20] I'm going to run away.

[29:21] Like, in the next scene or so, you know, like, the head of NASA resigns and leaves Halle Berry in charge.

[29:30] And I kept wondering, like, where do you think you're escaping to?

[29:34] Like, the moon is crashing into the earth.

[29:36] Like, I know from living through the past few years that people don't act rationally when there's a crisis.

[29:43] But even so, like, what is the plan here, guys?

Elliott Kalan

[29:46] Well, I think, well, him, he was like, I've got to go check on my dad or whatever.

[29:50] Like, I think there it's just he's going to do – he can't really do anything.

[29:53] So, it's like I'm just going to make sure my family is okay for the most part.

Stuart Wellington

[29:56] He's not like Tetsuo.

[29:58] He can't fly up to the moon.

Elliott Kalan

[30:00] If only.

[30:01] Oh, if only he was Tetsuo.

[30:03] What a different movie this would be.

[30:04] It would definitely be interesting.

[30:07] You'd wonder how a drug-addicted, psychotic Japanese teenager became the director of NASA.

[30:11] Like, right off the bat, that's a big question that I would have.

Dan McCoy

[30:13] I mean, I would accept that.

[30:14] That's your story.

[30:15] That's your plot.

[30:15] That's actually – yeah.

[30:16] A little more if the character wasn't, like, literally shown to be one of the few people who could do something about this in the world.

Elliott Kalan

[30:24] Well, but it's another instance.

[30:26] This movie is like – and I hate to be just digging too deep into the politics of what is essentially a stupid popcorn movie.

[30:32] But that's where our politics are writ the largest, Dan, in our escapist entertainment is that what it is saying is, oh, the people in charge only care about themselves and can't be trusted.

[30:41] The director of NASA, who in theory could do something about this, he just leaves.

[30:46] He doesn't – he's not interested and he throws it in the hands of Halle Berry, who is, you know, his – who is marked as one of the trustworthy human beings and Americans in it.

[30:54] Yeah.

[30:54] So it's another one – it's just another one of those things that reinforces that idea of, like, authority is not there to help you, so don't – so you can't trust in it.

[31:02] And it takes just a ragtag team of folks to go up to the moon and blow up an alien robot.

[31:08] But also, on top of that, we just went through what could have been – and thankfully it wasn't because of medical technology ultimately – what could have been, like, a massive disaster for humanity.

[31:19] And for the most part, people just kind of muddled through it and they bought a lot more toilet paper.

[31:24] And a big chunk of humanity refused to do anything about it and refused to change their ways.

[31:29] So I kind of believe if the moon was coming towards the earth, you'd have a lot of people who just out of sheer inability to grasp the enormity of that would be like,

[31:36] I guess I'm going to go to work today, talk to my coworkers about how it sucks the moon's going to crash into the earth.

[31:42] There's a scene in the movie The Day After where nukes are about to land on this town and this woman is rushing around making the beds in their house.

[31:51] And her husband's like, stop with the bed making.

[31:53] The bombs are falling.

[31:55] What are you doing?

[31:55] And I think it's a lot of that.

[31:56] Like, if the moon was going to crash into the earth, instead of, like, people fleeing the cities because they know they live in a disaster movie,

[32:03] so famous buildings are a specific target for chunks from the moon, that I think you'd have a lot of people who just kind of, like, close their eyes to it and just keep on doing what they do.

[32:13] And they're like, ugh, this moon.

[32:15] What are you going to do about it?

[32:16] Well, do you see the game last night?

[32:17] That kind of thing.

[32:18] Anyway, that's Lee Kalen's political perspective.

Stuart Wellington

[32:21] Patrick Wilson tracks down Casey Hausman, who explains that the moon is a megastructure built around a captured white dwarf star,

[32:27] not White Dwarf the Magazine, which features Warhammer content.

[32:32] But we'll get into that later.

[32:34] Really?

Elliott Kalan

[32:34] And it's not VHS copies of Red Dwarf, the British science fiction sitcom.

Stuart Wellington

[32:38] No, no, no.

[32:39] Nor is it the Candlemas song Black Dwarf.

[32:42] All different songs.

[32:43] Okay.

[32:44] All different things.

[32:45] Okay.

[32:45] But something may have happened to the star.

[32:48] Thus, the course of the moon has been altered.

[32:52] The Navy sends a shuttle up to the moon, but it gets attacked by that swarm of nanomachines,

[32:58] and it murders all the people on the thing.

Elliott Kalan

[33:02] It just slams right into their faces.

[33:04] Slams right into their faces.

Stuart Wellington

[33:06] A powerful attack.

[33:08] One that they have no defense over.

Elliott Kalan

[33:10] No.

[33:10] It's like if you bit into a gusher, and instead of fruit juice,

[33:13] a stream of a fountain of nanobots just flew into your face and smashed your face.

[33:17] That would be terrible.

Stuart Wellington

[33:18] Gusher.

[33:18] I would certainly ask for my money back in that package.

Dan McCoy

[33:21] A huge of gushers similes on this podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[33:23] I'm trying to get gushers more interested in the podcast.

[33:26] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[33:26] You think that that's where the money is in gushers?

Elliott Kalan

[33:29] It's in gushers.

[33:30] The money is literally inside of gushers.

[33:32] That's why they put that fruit juice in there to squirt you in the face so you drop it,

[33:35] and you don't take the money that's hidden inside.

[33:36] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[33:37] So Harper and Casey Hausman are at a hotel, and they get flooded.

[33:45] There's a big – this is when the movie kind of turns into full-on disaster movie Poseidon adventure.

[33:50] When –

Elliott Kalan

[33:50] Yes.

[33:50] And now let's talk about how – so Casey's friend Ziggy is getting high in the lobby of this mostly abandoned hotel,

[33:58] and he's got his feet up, so he doesn't notice that there's ankle-deep water rushing into the place until he lowers his feet.

[34:05] And then he wakes up Casey and Harper, and he goes, look outside, guys.

[34:08] And they look outside, and there is an enormous wave of water rushing towards the town.

[34:13] And you're like, no one heard this?

[34:15] No one felt the rumbling of it?

[34:16] Yeah.

[34:16] Like it's – it is – it's such movie logic that if you can't see a thing on the screen, then you also can't hear it, you can't feel it, you can't smell it.

[34:26] Where were their 4DX seats, Dan, so that they could feel the thing that was actually happening to them?

Dan McCoy

[34:30] Well, you got to believe – you better believe that there was water being squirted in my face when all this was happening.

Elliott Kalan

[34:37] It was like a gusher was in front of me.

[34:39] You're also biting gushers.

[34:41] Because you wanted to be hydrated.

[34:43] That 4DX water – I'm a little worried.

Dan McCoy

[34:46] I'm sure it's clean.

[34:47] Yeah.

[34:49] It seems like – I don't know, especially in this day and age.

Stuart Wellington

[34:53] Do they just recycle it after each viewing?

[34:56] Or are they just like – like they're still suits or something, and they scrape it off your face?

Dan McCoy

[35:00] You know, I was wearing a mask, and I was definitely, before the show, worried about how much water there would be.

[35:07] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[35:07] I was like –

[35:08] You thought it would be like in UHF when he drinks from the fire hose and a fire hydrant and it just blasts that kid right off that rocking horse?

Dan McCoy

[35:15] Yeah, I didn't want my mask to get saturated.

[35:17] It seemed like a bad idea, but it was more like a fine mist.

[35:21] Yeah.

[35:22] Okay.

[35:22] Stuart is so tired.

[35:24] Yeah.

[35:24] Poor guy.

Elliott Kalan

[35:25] Well, I should mention also, this is the main goof list on the IMDb page for Moonfall that white dwarf stars are enormous.

[35:31] They're much bigger than the Earth.

[35:33] You could not fit one inside the moon, apparently.

[35:35] And I'm not a scientist.

[35:36] I'm certainly not an astrophysicist.

[35:37] But it kept bothering me that the reason the moon is in orbit around the Earth is because of the Earth's gravity.

[35:44] Yeah.

[35:44] The Earth – the mass of the Earth is what's holding the moon in place.

[35:47] So the idea that the moon is powered by some kind of anti-gravity star and that once that gets turned off, the moon starts falling into the Earth and objects on Earth start being pulled up to the moon.

[35:59] It all seemed very – I was like, what about the Earth?

[36:01] But the Earth has gravity, right?

[36:02] Like we live in a planet with gravity?

Dan McCoy

[36:04] Well, but in this case, it is a super massive thing, the moon.

[36:08] White dwarf star.

[36:09] But like that just adds other questions like why wasn't the Earth pulled into the moon before this?

[36:16] Like what is this anti-gravity technology that the superstructure has?

[36:21] Like I remember like this was by the – like I saw this with a group of friends.

[36:26] My friend Ashley, like this was the thing she could not get over.

[36:28] She was like, I have read a bunch of stuff about astronomy and the fact that there was like a star in the middle.

Stuart Wellington

[36:36] This is absurd.

Dan McCoy

[36:38] Like yeah, yeah, yeah, you know.

[36:40] You know, it's a Roland Emmerich movie.

Elliott Kalan

[36:43] So you just said, can I remind you again that this movie is dumb?

[36:46] Like it's almost – it seems beside the point to even be bothered by how messed up the science is in this movie because the human behavior in this movie makes no sense.

[36:54] Like nothing – it's a dumb – it's such a dumb movie.

[36:56] It feels like – like it wouldn't surprise me if it turned out – if they were like surprised this was the first ever movie written by an algorithm like a computer wrote this movie.

[37:04] There's a part where Casey Hausman, he sees in the newspaper that Harper is going to be speaking to a group of kids at the Griffith Park Observatory.

[37:13] And he goes there and impersonates Harper for a little bit to teach these kids about how the moon is hollow and it's a megastructure.

[37:20] And then he's talking to Harper and he goes, Harper, you've got to get me to NASA.

[37:23] And I said to the screen, I said, NASA and me aren't on speaking terms anymore.

[37:27] And then Harper says that exact line.

[37:29] And I'm like, yeah, this was a movie written by a computer.

[37:31] Like it's so – and I read – but then reading on Wikipedia, they're like, the script was in development for four years.

[37:36] And I'm like, how was it – how did it take longer than four days to write this script?

Stuart Wellington

[37:41] So Halle Berry gets a field promotion.

[37:44] She is now the director of NASA.

[37:45] So she starts digging into some old NASA secrets.

[37:48] And of course this – she – doing this disturbs Donald Sutherland from his suicide pistol cleaning.

Dan McCoy

[37:55] Yeah, from his – from his ancient slumber deep within the bowels of the bureaucracy.

[38:00] This scene is so funny because he like – he sees like – you know, Donald Sutherland is down there like, you know, he looking very wizened as he's an elderly man now.

[38:10] He's an old man.

[38:11] And he's in the shadows mostly.

[38:13] But he – you know, he seems to just sort of be like the gnome who lives in the NASA archives who's just been waiting for this moment because he sees like Halle Berry coming down, you know.

[38:25] on his security camera and he puts a pistol on his desk and then he like comes out, explains the plot of the movie and then sort of is like I have some business on my desk I need to take care of.

[38:40] And it's so – it's so horrible but I laughed because it's just like, well, having explained things, I must go and die.

Elliott Kalan

[38:50] My plot function has –

[38:51] Goodbye, Daddy.

[38:52] I'm dying.

[38:53] Has been fulfilled.

[38:55] I've achieved my purpose on this earth.

[38:57] You know, I used to say that God gave me a certain list of purposes and I'm so far behind now I'll never die but I just did it.

[39:04] So now it's time for me to go.

[39:05] So you can have my shirt that says that with a picture of mean Calvin on it.

[39:09] But this – so Halle Berry has learned that the military has known for years that the moon is hollow and there's an evil robot that lives inside it.

[39:16] And they were building a weapon codenamed ZX-7, an EMP device to kill the robot swarm but it was abandoned for budget reasons, which is a silly explanation because it's like there's no budget that's so small that the military can't build a space weapon that nobody wants.

[39:32] Also –

[39:33] The government is like, hey, we don't want to buy 300 tanks.

[39:37] The military goes – no, actually the military says we don't want 300 tanks and the Congress says you're making those tanks.

[39:42] We're making them.

[39:43] So there's no budget that doesn't have room to add.

[39:45] Well, and the thing is like they still have it.

Stuart Wellington

[39:48] It's not like they didn't make the EMP weapon.

[39:51] They just put it somewhere.

[39:52] So like the budget was going to like a guy who hangs out with it like –

Elliott Kalan

[39:57] Well, that was the budget to pay.

[40:01] It was just the budget to pay for new light bulbs for the building that Donald Sutherland works in where he keeps the company and that's why it's so dark in there.

Dan McCoy

[40:07] This is also a part that confused me because like later on there are all these, you know, recalculations that need to happen because they have severely underestimated how massive the moon is.

[40:21] Like they're like, oh, you know, we thought we had this much time but we only have this much time because the thing is decaying so much faster.

[40:27] The orbit is decaying because of the mass and I'm just like – but okay, like if NASA knew –

[40:36] They knew secretly what the moon was.

[40:39] Like at this point, shouldn't they have that information and not be making these mistakes?

[40:45] Need to know basis, Daniel.

[40:46] Top secret.

[40:47] Yeah, but she hasn't now.

[40:49] Like she keeps treating it like it's a normal moon and it's a spaceship moon.

Elliott Kalan

[40:53] It's a hollow spaceship moon.

[40:54] It's also – it's a space arc moon.

[40:56] Also, there's – I mean there's so much – it's a dumb movie, Dan.

[41:00] Everything could be laid on the field being a dumb movie.

[41:02] The fact that the director of NASA goes, here, you always wanted my job.

[41:05] Now you've got it.

[41:05] And he hands her his identification card.

[41:08] And later she's in a secret confidential military archive and they're like, how did you get here?

[41:12] And she goes, the director of NASA gave me his key card.

[41:15] It's like, oh, so I guess that card opens up every door in America?

[41:18] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[41:18] What is this like hit – like a Hitman level where all you got to do is take somebody's clothes and all of a sudden you can do anything they do?

[41:26] Man, Hitman rules.

[41:27] Okay.

[41:28] So Harper and Hausman are just like –

[41:30] Yes, you're right.

Elliott Kalan

[41:30] Except I can't get behind the idea of entertainment based around Hitman.

[41:33] But continue.

Stuart Wellington

[41:34] I feel like if you spent 24 hours with Agent 47, you would change your mind.

[41:41] Maybe.

Elliott Kalan

[41:41] I do like the idea –

[41:42] Or be dead.

[41:43] I do like the idea of putting on people's clothes and being able to do what they do.

[41:46] But that literally is the plot of The Cobbler, a movie I did not care for.

Stuart Wellington

[41:51] Okay, so Harper and Hausman are just taking a nap together in the upper floors of this hotel when some government helicopters show up and they airlift them out of there.

[42:03] And Fowler offers Harper his old job back to which he responds, I got a lot of my own – I got a lot of my own problems down here.

Elliott Kalan

[42:12] It is –

[42:12] It's so funny.

Stuart Wellington

[42:13] It's so funny that he's like – he's like, I got bigger fish to fry than the moon.

Elliott Kalan

[42:19] It is taking the idea of like the reluctant kind of badass hero to a ludicrous degree where it's like you have nothing in your life.

[42:28] The movie has established that from point one, that your life is a failure.

[42:31] And now NASA is like, hey, can you come back and do the only thing you like doing, which is flying spaceships, and do it to save the world?

[42:37] And he's like, I don't know, man.

[42:38] I'm a busy guy.

[42:39] Like it's –

[42:40] Yeah.

[42:42] Is this also when they bring – when they take the Endeavor out of the California Science Center?

Stuart Wellington

[42:46] Yeah, yeah.

[42:47] They take the shuttle out of a museum and the Army delivers the EMP bomb.

Elliott Kalan

[42:52] I will say that – I've been to that museum several times.

[42:55] It's really cool to see a space shuttle.

[42:56] You just walk around it, walk underneath it.

[42:58] I highly recommend going to the California Science Center and seeing the space shuttle Endeavor.

[43:01] It's really cool.

Stuart Wellington

[43:02] Okay.

[43:03] That's a plug for space shuttles.

[43:05] Maybe we can get them to spot stress.

[43:07] I do – I want to put –

[43:07] Space shuttles and gushers.

[43:09] I want to take a second and say –

Elliott Kalan

[43:10] Don't combine the two, Dan.

[43:12] You can't have a gusher in Zero Gravity.

Stuart Wellington

[43:13] You could drive.

[43:14] I feel like when they were doing the style and makeup for Patrick Wilson in this movie,

[43:19] they're like, we need to get him looking as much like Chris Pratt as possible.

Elliott Kalan

[43:24] Yes.

[43:25] Very much.

[43:25] I wouldn't be surprised if this was originally written in the script as a Chris Pratt type.

[43:29] Yeah.

[43:30] Basically Mario.

[43:32] Yeah.

[43:33] Yeah, your basic Mario.

[43:34] Heavy mustache, Italian accent, plunger, you know, Chris Pratt type.

[43:37] I think – but I have to admit, were you guys as excited as I was to see Patrick Wilson

[43:41] as like the star of a big budget event?

[43:44] Like I like Patrick Wilson.

[43:45] I like him as an actor a lot.

[43:46] No, I like Patrick Wilson too.

[43:46] And it was exciting to see him like in the role that normally Tom Cruise or Chris Pratt

[43:51] or I don't know, Hemsworth would play or something like that.

Dan McCoy

[43:55] There was a part later on – I mean like not later.

[43:59] I mean there's just – I remember there's a part in the movie where I was looking at Patrick Wilson

[44:02] and Halle Berry in a scene together thinking like, look, I know that people got to eat.

[44:10] They take the jobs that are offered them.

[44:13] They like make decisions about like, oh, maybe this will be like big.

[44:18] I understand.

[44:19] Like it's a career and people, you know, I think get too down on actors sometimes

[44:25] expecting them to always be doing it for the art.

[44:28] But I also –

[44:29] It's a job.

[44:30] But I was also like, oh, man, Patrick Wilson and Halle Berry are – like they read this script

[44:35] and were like, yeah, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[44:37] Yeah.

[44:37] I mean it was – there was a moment too where it was like, well, that's a lot of wasted talent in this cast.

[44:43] Yeah.

[44:43] I mean Halle Berry, Patrick Wilson.

[44:45] Michael Pena.

[44:46] Donald Sutherland, Michael Pena.

[44:48] Like although I like – similar to – I like seeing Patrick Wilson as like the hero star

[44:53] when I think of him more as like a supporting actor in these types of movies.

[44:55] I like seeing Michael Pena in the role of like the wealthy stepdad that like has his heroic moment

[45:03] and all that like – originally that was Stanley Tucci that was supposed to be in that part

[45:07] and he seems more like the stereotypical version of that.

[45:09] But I loved seeing Michael Pena in a role that was not like the goofy guy or like the henchman

[45:15] or that it was – I liked seeing him in a situation where I was like, oh, it's not the role I expect to see Michael Pena playing.

[45:22] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[45:23] So –

[45:24] But it's a total waste of talent.

[45:26] As a stipulation for him saving the earth, they get Sonny out of jail who shows up and immediately throws a fit

[45:36] when he realizes that his dad is going to be going into space.

[45:40] And then earthquakes start happening.

Elliott Kalan

[45:41] I was surprised as I was that Sonny then became a – that Sonny's subplot became a major subplot of the movie.

[45:48] Yeah, it became huge.

[45:49] That the movie thought we cared about what happened to Sonny.

Stuart Wellington

[45:51] I mean –

[45:52] Well, it's – that's the whole section of the movie that leans into the disaster movie element.

[45:57] Yes.

[45:57] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[45:57] Like I think that a movie like this needs people on earth that we're going to follow as earth falls apart.

[46:05] And some of the – like while I don't find Sonny and his entourage as interesting as Patrick Wilson and –

Stuart Wellington

[46:14] You mean Sonny, Michelle, the Chinese exchange student who is living with Halle Berry and Halle Berry's son Jimmy.

Dan McCoy

[46:22] Chinese, Canadian.

[46:24] She's an actress and singer.

[46:26] I looked her up.

[46:27] Okay.

[46:28] I mean she seems to be only there too.

[46:31] Anything I've heard of?

Dan McCoy

[46:31] Any songs I've heard?

[46:33] Probably a lot.

[46:34] They seem to mostly be in Chinese although she moved to Canada in her youth.

Elliott Kalan

[46:41] It is a – I mean she is in the movie to give a reason.

[46:44] For the international market.

[46:45] For China to okay this movie to be shown in Chinese.

[46:48] Like there's no reason for Halle Berry to have an exchange student living in her house taking care of her child.

[46:54] It's real life.

[46:55] Sometimes real life is messy.

[46:57] But they couldn't come up with another way to – and they couldn't come up with another way to have a Chinese character.

[47:01] And later on they're like our Chinese friends are lending us an orbiter that we can use.

[47:06] It's like – and our friends at SpaceX are going to let us use this thing.

[47:10] Like the movie is –

[47:10] Fuck that.

[47:11] It really loves Elon Musk and wants to appeal to the Chinese audience.

Dan McCoy

[47:15] No, but I – like as much as I don't find those characters as compelling as our main trio.

[47:23] Like some of the stuff that happens later on Earth is some of the wackiest stuff that I enjoy.

[47:29] Oh, yes.

Elliott Kalan

[47:29] Very much so.

[47:30] By the time they're in a car chase with Aspen hillbillies.

[47:35] Yes.

[47:35] It's a –

[47:36] Mm-hmm.

[47:37] Uh-huh.

[47:37] Yep.

[47:38] That's a teaser to keep you listening, listener.

[47:41] In case you're getting bored hearing us talk, just get ready for that because it's not where I expected the movie to go.

[47:46] That's for sure.

Stuart Wellington

[47:47] Okay, so all of a sudden it seems like this mission they're preparing for is off.

[47:52] They had to cancel it.

[47:53] So they send everybody home.

Elliott Kalan

[47:56] There's a problem with the space shuttle and within minutes Halle Berry gets on the intercom and goes, everybody go home.

Stuart Wellington

[48:02] And everybody just goes home.

[48:03] So it leaves only a skeleton crew.

[48:05] And then they realize that, you know what?

[48:07] They could use this like kind of less powerful shuttle thruster thing because of the moon's increased gravity.

[48:16] It helps suck the shuttle up into the sky.

[48:18] Uh-huh.

Dan McCoy

[48:19] When I first saw this in the theater, I like started like hitting my like arms of my chair.

[48:25] And the chair's like, no, I hit you.

[48:27] I can see where it was headed.

[48:29] I'm like, oh boy, are they going to use the moon's gravity to pull the shuttle the rest of the way?

[48:34] Hell yeah, they do.

[48:35] And yep, that's what happens.

[48:37] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[48:37] That's exactly what happens.

[48:38] As much as the moon's gravity pulls the top of the Chrysler building off, it also pulls the space shuttle up.

Stuart Wellington

[48:46] So, but because it's just a skeleton crew, only Harper, Fowler, and Houseman are going.

[48:52] Only our three main characters.

[48:54] So they do all their tearful goodbyes.

[48:57] You know, Houseman calls his mom and Fuzz Aldrin.

[49:01] His cat.

[49:02] You know, and we get reintroduced to Sonny and Michelle and Jimmy and Halle Berry's ex-husband, who's a general.

[49:13] Which, by the way, after Charlene pointed this out, but I kind of agree.

[49:17] Meeting those two characters, there's no way they would have karaoke at their wedding.

[49:22] They do not seem like the type of people who'd have karaoke at their wedding.

Elliott Kalan

[49:25] No.

[49:26] Early on, Halle Berry, she knows the lyrics to Africa because she sang it at karaoke at her wedding.

[49:31] And you're right.

[49:31] There's no – I also don't believe these two characters were ever married.

[49:34] Like, it's the X-Men rules of relationships where it's like, well, they're the only two black characters in the movie.

[49:41] So they were probably married at some point.

[49:43] You know.

[49:44] Okay.

[49:44] But this is also when – are you going to talk about the shuttle launch?

[49:50] Not only do they have to use this shuttle that's broken.

[49:52] Not only is the moon's gravity going to have to get the most of the way, but is there a tsunami heading towards the launch pad at exactly that moment?

[50:00] Yeah, let me see.

Stuart Wellington

[50:00] Is Dan being squirted with water right then?

[50:03] My notes just say gravity wave in all caps.

[50:09] So, yeah, there's this massive gravity wave.

[50:11] First, it sucks all the water up from the seabed leaving the fish just flopping around.

[50:18] Yeah, this is a Red Sea scenario.

[50:20] It's happening, folks.

[50:21] And so, like, yeah, there's a lot of water in the air.

[50:24] There's water all over the place.

Elliott Kalan

[50:26] And does Sonny have to outdrive the wave or am I imagining that?

[50:30] No, of course he does.

Stuart Wellington

[50:32] It's already been established.

[50:33] He's a joyrider.

[50:35] So he –

[50:35] Uh-huh.

[50:36] And he's ready for an adventure.

[50:37] That's a special skill.

[50:38] Special skill is driving fast.

[50:41] So they – yeah, they – first they park the Humvee they're in and watch the gravity wave because it's dope.

[50:47] And then they're like, oh, shit.

[50:49] And they get in the Humvee and then they outrun the gravity wave, of course, because he's a great driver.

[50:54] They barely escape.

[50:56] And then – but then the shuttle manages – despite for a moment we're like, oh, it looks like the shuttle – one of the thrusters is off.

[51:02] The shuttle is just going to crash and they're all going to die.

[51:04] The movie is over.

[51:05] Nope.

[51:06] The moon helps them the rest of the way and they're in space, baby.

[51:13] They're in space, baby would have been a good name for this movie too.

[51:16] Yeah, they're in space, baby, the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[51:18] And Casey Hausman, he cannot stop taking pictures with his phone of everything that's going on.

Stuart Wellington

[51:22] There's a – I kind of like the joke when they're staring at him for taking photos with his phone and he's like, it's on airplane mode.

[51:29] I think that was a good joke.

Elliott Kalan

[51:30] Yeah, that was a funny laugh.

[51:32] That was a funny gag.

Stuart Wellington

[51:33] Okay, so they get that shuttle into the sky.

[51:37] They refuel at a SpaceX depot.

[51:40] They have some laughs about old times and shit.

Elliott Kalan

[51:44] I know there's one part – this is around the part where I couldn't quite understand what was going on.

[51:47] I think where they're like, we've got to jettison our rocket tanks or whatever.

[51:52] And that's what space shuttles do normally.

[51:54] So I couldn't quite figure out what the problem was.

Dan McCoy

[51:56] I think it was beforehand.

[51:58] Like they had – basically one ran out of fuel and then the other one was still thrusting.

[52:04] And so they're going off course.

[52:05] So they're like, oh, we've got to jettison the one that's still working.

[52:08] So to suck us up into space.

[52:11] I hate to backtrack just a little bit, but I have to say that like the scene that –

[52:17] Back in 2011, let me –

[52:19] No, just like everyone's gone, which is what leads Patrick Wilson and Halle Berry and Casey to be like this ragtag team.

[52:27] Like they're the ones that are going to go into space.

Elliott Kalan

[52:29] It shows that you can launch a space shuttle with just three people in the shuttle and two guys manning the computers back in the decks.

Dan McCoy

[52:35] All the other ones are – that's a tax dodge.

Elliott Kalan

[52:38] It's so bad for the actor and actress that they – the actor and actress they introduce as like the flight, the navigator, and the other person.

[52:44] Because all they get to do is stand there and nod when their name is said.

[52:47] And then they leave.

[52:48] And then they don't get to go to the space shuttle.

[52:49] I'm like, oh, these actors, they probably had to audition for this part where they just stand there.

[52:54] And it looks like they're going to have a part in the movie.

[52:55] And they nod and they don't get to be in the movie.

[52:57] It looks like Bosk, Forlom, Zuckus.

[52:59] Like they're barely in it.

[53:01] I mean, at that point, just go all the way, yeah, and have Bosk and IG-88 standing there.

[53:04] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[53:04] But they're like, we got to go up there.

[53:07] And we have to do it in 28 minutes exactly.

[53:10] Hell yeah.

[53:11] You know, so the moon can help us out.

[53:13] Well, and also – yeah, yeah.

[53:14] Oh, sorry.

[53:14] I think it's something else.

[53:15] And they're convincing Casey like, oh, we got to have you come too because you're super smart, I guess.

[53:21] And you figure things out.

[53:23] And he's being – you know, he's like, oh, I'm anxious.

[53:26] I have irritable bowel.

[53:27] I've got all this stuff.

[53:28] And it seems like the most –

[53:30] Yeah, same here, dude.

[53:31] – casual, chipper conversation that they're having about this Hail Mary.

[53:37] There's not a lot of urgency.

Elliott Kalan

[53:39] This is a movie where at various points they're like, if we don't leave in 20 minutes – or like later on, if we don't set off this bomb in like two seconds, then we're going to be killed by nanobots.

[53:49] And they have a conversation about it.

[53:51] And it's like there's just no sense of urgency ever.

[53:53] Again, it's a dumb movie.

[53:54] It's like – it's the kind of movie where somebody, instead of just setting off the weapon that's going to save the day, they have to give a speech first about how nobody ever believed in them.

[54:02] And it's like, just do it, dude.

[54:04] You're talking to nobody.

[54:05] Like just make it happen.

[54:07] But you're right.

[54:07] They do take a long time convincing this guy whose dream throughout his entire life has been to go into space.

[54:13] They have to spend a while convincing him that he should go into space with them.

[54:16] And they're wearing old Apollo-era spacesuits because they can't have electronics on them if they can help it.

[54:25] Because they figure – is this one they've – have they already figured out that it seems like the swarm goes after electronics that have people inside them?

Dan McCoy

[54:31] Well, they know that it goes after electronics at this point.

[54:35] I think later on they figure out like, oh, it has to have people inside them.

[54:39] Yeah, people is the special song.

[54:40] Although I'm not really sure how they figure that out because they stop the nanobot swarm, as we will see later on, by like breaking the electronics.

[54:49] So I don't know why they like make the leap to like, oh, also people have to be involved.

[54:54] But whatever.

[54:55] Yeah, I don't remember.

[54:56] As you've said many times, it's a dumb movie.

[54:58] It's a dumb movie.

Stuart Wellington

[54:58] So while they're refueling back on Earth, Sonny, Michelle, and Jimmy get carjacked by, as we mentioned before, some Coloradan looters.

[55:09] Everybody's going to Colorado because it's far from the ocean, right?

Elliott Kalan

[55:12] Like it's high up and it's far from the ocean.

[55:14] So if the oceans rise, then they'll be safe, I guess, and Rocky Mountain High.

Stuart Wellington

[55:19] People are going there for weed.

Elliott Kalan

[55:20] And they want to go see Hallie's parents, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[55:22] Yep.

[55:23] And yeah, this is, and the looters, this is the like kind of, at first when they show up, I'm like, oh, great.

[55:29] These are characters I'm never going to see again.

[55:31] How wrong I was.

[55:33] We'll see them again later.

[55:34] Okay.

[55:36] So they're now on foot.

[55:38] They lose their satellite phone that would allow them to call Jimmy's dad, who's in a top secret bunker.

[55:46] So they just go all the way to Aspen.

[55:49] And they, or did they find the survivor camp first before getting to Aspen?

[55:53] I don't remember.

Elliott Kalan

[55:54] Yeah.

[55:55] Well, they eventually, they find, they find where Michael Pena and, and, and Sonny's half siblings are and his mom.

[56:01] And now they're all on foot.

[56:03] They've got to, they, and they have to get, yeah, they have to get to the military base or like a tunnel, a concrete tunnel.

[56:10] It's like, I don't remember when they, when they know that there's possible nuke stuff, but, oh yeah.

[56:16] And oxygen is being pulled out of the Earth's atmosphere.

[56:18] And it's a, it's a, it's a whole mission.

[56:20] Yeah.

[56:20] And the moon is kind of, the moon is getting close enough.

Stuart Wellington

[56:23] It's starting to break apart.

[56:24] Chunks of it are landing all over creation.

Elliott Kalan

[56:29] It's funny, it's, the, the, the chunks of the moon are falling all over the place, even though the moon can only be over one part of the Earth at a time, right?

[56:36] Like, it's not like the chunks are going to circle around the back of the Earth, I guess.

Dan McCoy

[56:39] Yeah.

[56:39] I mean, it's also funny that like, the moon is, as it gets closer to the Earth, you know, it's circling faster around the Earth, like that it has a shorter distance to, to travel.

[56:50] And later on, there's a part where there's all this chaos going on because the moon has, is rising.

[56:57] Like someone, like a character's like, oh, the moon's rising.

[56:59] And I thought it was so funny that, that it stops immediately as soon as the moon, like, I guess, like turns around the other side of the Earth.

[57:06] And I'm like, I, I'm like, I guess, but it also just seems to like go back to normal so quickly.

[57:13] It's, it's just such a weird, anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[57:15] It's a weird movie where there's, there, gravity doesn't exist anymore.

[57:19] And oxygen is disappearing until the movie needs the characters to like have a conversation or walk somewhere.

[57:24] Yeah.

[57:24] And then things are finding it.

[57:25] I mean, there's a lot of science that they, as I, I read on the IMDb trivia, it's one of the trivia points was just, they researched what would happen if the moon actually fell onto slash into the Earth.

[57:35] So I guess that explains it, that they did their homework.

[57:37] Yeah.

[57:39] And another trivia, and I don't know what this is based on, says they had a real astronaut on set during production as an advisor.

[57:44] And on occasion, he would approach Roland Emmerich and say, hey guys, I mean, that's not really possible.

[57:48] They told him to roll with it as it's just a movie.

[57:50] So I don't know whether they did their research or not.

Stuart Wellington

[57:52] That's a classic Roland Emmerich phrase too.

[57:55] He's like, hey, we roll with it, baby.

[57:57] It's me.

Elliott Kalan

[57:59] They're in space, baby.

Dan McCoy

[58:02] Roll with it, Roland.

[58:03] I thought you were like, like they had an astronaut on set and occasionally his head would explode.

Elliott Kalan

[58:10] Okay.

[58:11] I also admit, I was watching this movie and about the time they finally got into space, I was like, okay, great.

[58:16] The movie's going to be over soon.

[58:17] And I looked and saw there were 50 minutes left and I was like, what?

Stuart Wellington

[58:20] Yeah.

[58:20] It's two hours and 10 minutes.

Elliott Kalan

[58:21] Speaking of space.

[58:22] But it's got like nine or 10 minutes of credits.

Stuart Wellington

[58:24] Yeah.

[58:24] Harper tries to pilot a lander and he leaves like the little rover vehicle with the EMP above the moon hole.

[58:35] It's kind of like bait hoping to lure out the swarm.

[58:39] The swarm comes out of the hole, ignores the bait and begins to attack their shuttle.

[58:44] And then they, but they destroy all their electronic devices.

Elliott Kalan

[58:47] Maybe that's when they realized it has to have a person inside it.

Stuart Wellington

[58:50] The weird thing is he made it seem like he destroyed the detonator for the bomb.

[58:54] Yes.

[58:54] But then like later on it works fine.

[58:56] Later on it just has kind of a cracked.

[58:57] Yeah.

[58:58] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[58:58] It did look like he destroyed the detonator, but the problem was really the iPhone, which they destroy also.

[59:03] You're right.

[59:04] And Casey Housman was like, you could have just turned it off.

[59:06] And it's like, well, then you turn it off, dude.

Stuart Wellington

[59:08] Like you're the one.

[59:10] I was fumbling with it too long.

[59:11] Yeah.

[59:12] You just lost phone privileges, buddy.

[59:14] Okay.

[59:14] So in Aspen, yep.

[59:16] As we said, they meet up with the whole family.

[59:18] They decide to go to a fire station to get supplies, including some oxygen.

[59:22] That's when they get ambushed by those same looters.

[59:25] Yep.

[59:25] They've been following them.

[59:26] However, they turn the tables on them and they steal the looter stuff.

[59:30] But then while they're driving through the streets of Aspen, we have a high speed, low gravity car chase.

[59:38] Yeah.

[59:40] Where they're shooting at the looters and things are getting sucked up into the sky.

[59:46] It's bonkers.

Elliott Kalan

[59:47] There's like a huge ship comes by and a train and is knocking cars off.

[59:51] And this is when I realized that in this movie, the moon is just the biggest Katamari Damacy.

[59:55] Because everything just gets stuck to it.

[59:58] Random shit just gets stuck to it and then falls off of it again.

[1:00:00] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:01] I mean, yeah.

[1:00:01] It's working like, I don't know, like there's a, the moon is less the moon and more like a big vacuum cleaner than sucking things up.

[1:00:07] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:08] And no matter where you are in the world, there's always a ship nearby.

[1:00:11] Even Colorado.

[1:00:13] You think as far as you can get from the ocean.

[1:00:14] That's why everyone's fleeing there.

[1:00:15] Lousier ships, yeah.

[1:00:16] There's just ships falling down, you know.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:18] And I love this because this is, you know, like they're shooting back and forth.

[1:00:23] Like, like Michael Peña, like has a gun.

[1:00:25] This shows, this shows that, this is a message I didn't like.

[1:00:28] Like Michael Peña is sort of like the nicer guy who's not tough, but like, you know, he shows he's a real man by shooting at these.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:37] Yeah.

[1:00:38] He's the soft, he's the soft stepdad.

[1:00:40] Yeah.

[1:00:41] He's not as, and yeah, but he, but he makes his bones by shooting back at these guys and then eventually, you know, being self-sacrificing.

[1:00:48] But the idea that Sonny, who is like, that he's great with a gun and great with car chases, like it was ridiculous.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:56] That's the best.

[1:00:56] Sonny like continues to accelerate because I guess the moment, he has to have the momentum so he doesn't get sucked up in the air.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:04] He's outrunning the gravity of the moon.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:06] And the.

[1:01:06] This is one of many scenes where I just yelled at the screen, punch it.

[1:01:10] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:11] And the.

[1:01:11] It's also one of those things where it's like, hold on, I'm about to go even faster.

[1:01:15] And it's like, why were you not going that fast?

[1:01:18] Yeah.

[1:01:18] You're hunting from people who are shooting at you and the moon is going to crash into you.

[1:01:21] Go as fast as you can.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:23] You got to wait for the perfect moment to do the nitro.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:26] What is he holding back for?

[1:01:28] What does he think this is the matinee?

[1:01:30] He's got to do it again later?

Dan McCoy

[1:01:31] The road is literally being sucked up into the air and he punches it and he, you know, he moon hops with the car over these floating pieces of road.

[1:01:43] Yeah.

[1:01:43] Like it's Mario Brothers.

[1:01:44] Yeah.

[1:01:44] And I got to say.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:45] You got to use.

[1:01:46] You use the mushrooms.

[1:01:48] You'll get more.

[1:01:49] You'll hit more mystery boxes later on.

[1:01:51] It's fine.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:51] This movie is like too gray in a lot of ways in the way that a lot of like CGI heavy.

[1:01:58] Yeah.

[1:01:59] Visually.

[1:01:59] A lot of CGI heavy movies are.

[1:02:01] But I got to say that as like fake and dumb as a lot of it is.

[1:02:07] It also – some of these scenes on Earth I found like strangely beautiful because it is just such surreal imagery of the moon being that close to Earth and stuff floating up into the air.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:20] Yeah.

[1:02:20] I think you're right.

[1:02:20] It's one of those times when the most mainstream entertainment inadvertently becomes strange or bizarre.

[1:02:26] Yeah.

[1:02:27] In the way – like in that it's followed this dumb path to a point where, yeah, you have a car that is hopping across floating rocks like something on a 70s fantasy novel cover.

[1:02:40] And the moon is enormous and it's colorful.

[1:02:42] Yeah.

[1:02:42] And there's ships and trains and things flying by.

[1:02:45] And a hillbilly in a car that can't make as fast a jump slams into this flying stone and explodes.

[1:02:51] Yeah.

[1:02:51] And you're like – yeah.

[1:02:52] It's like how did this movie get so weird?

[1:02:55] Yeah.

[1:02:57] And it only gets sillier.

[1:02:58] It's going to get weirder.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:59] So they take the lander right into that moon hole and they find out that, hey, it is a megastructure.

[1:03:08] So it's all like – you know, like it's like a giant spaceship inside.

[1:03:13] And at the center are like rotating –

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:15] Well, it's like the Revolution Studios logo.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:18] It's like a lot of revolving rings.

[1:03:19] It's a lot like that.

[1:03:19] Yeah.

[1:03:19] A lot of revolving rings.

[1:03:22] And on some of those rings, there's like crops and stuff planted, right?

[1:03:28] Something like that.

[1:03:29] Because it's a big arc.

[1:03:30] Yeah, basically it's like Ringworld.

[1:03:33] It's like Barry Niven's Ringworld inside the moon.

[1:03:35] It's kind of like the Simon Roy comic Habitat, which is great and you should read.

[1:03:39] It is better than this.

[1:03:41] And at the center, of course, is that aforementioned white dwarf star just small enough to fit inside a moon.

[1:03:49] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:49] And apparently not too hot for them to just fly by.

[1:03:52] Like you'd think the energy of a star would instantly destroy them.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:57] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:58] But they do fine.

[1:03:58] They just cruise by it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:00] And the swarm is smothering the star.

[1:04:04] It's like soaking up the energy.

[1:04:06] And that's what's causing the moon to hit the earth.

[1:04:11] So the swarm starts to chase them.

[1:04:15] And they barely escape through a door.

[1:04:18] And then the door closes.

[1:04:20] And they crash in a chamber of this weird alien structure.

[1:04:25] And it seems like they die.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:27] Yeah, because the hull integrity breaches and the oxygen goes out.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:33] We go back to earth and we find out birds are dying because oxygen is running out.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:39] Because the atmosphere is being sucked up into space.

[1:04:42] At that point, I'm like, well, game over, man.

[1:04:45] Why are the birds just getting sucked up into space too?

[1:04:47] Yeah.

[1:04:47] I don't know.

[1:04:48] That's the whole thing.

[1:04:49] Why did they fall down?

[1:04:49] You're right.

[1:04:50] Yeah.

[1:04:51] The what?

[1:04:51] Hollow bones are there.

[1:04:52] If birds are high enough up that they're dying from the atmosphere being sucked away,

[1:04:58] shouldn't the birds also be sucked away?

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:59] The birds have had a long deal that gravity doesn't apply to them.

[1:05:03] Oh, right, right, right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:04] Well, they signed a deal with the devil and that deal just ended.

[1:05:08] The terms just came up.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:09] Oh, yeah.

[1:05:10] Only earth gravity apparently.

[1:05:12] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:13] Is this around the time when they start talking about how they need to hit the moon with a nuclear weapon?

[1:05:17] I mean, they've been, yeah.

[1:05:19] I mean, that's been implied the whole thing.

[1:05:21] Just like Mr. Sho told us.

[1:05:23] And it's really funny because they're like, we got to wait until the moon is close enough that we can hit it with the weapon.

[1:05:27] And it's like, I feel like you want to hit it when it's far away.

[1:05:29] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:05:30] If that's possible.

[1:05:31] But I guess the missiles only go so far up.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:33] I guess that's, yeah, that's a good point.

[1:05:34] And you don't want to like miss.

[1:05:36] And then that missile just goes off into wherever.

[1:05:39] There's a part later on where.

[1:05:40] Angry aliens.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:42] There's a part later where Halle Berry is like, in two hours, they're going to blow up the moon with a nuclear weapon.

[1:05:46] So we got to save everybody.

[1:05:47] Well, how are you going to tell them that you saved them?

[1:05:49] Like, even if you do it, how are you going to get that information back to earth in time?

[1:05:52] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:53] Wi-Fi.

[1:05:55] Since you smashed Casey's phone.

[1:05:57] Yeah, so we're inside the moon.

[1:05:59] The moon probably has Wi-Fi because we learned that the moon has oxygen and gravity.

[1:06:04] That's right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:06] And this is the moment where Halle Berry and Casey, they wake up in the spaceship and Harper is not there.

[1:06:12] And Halle Berry goes, there's oxygen.

[1:06:14] And Casey goes, it smells weird.

[1:06:17] There's gravity.

[1:06:18] And I was like, wait, did you just smell the gravity?

[1:06:21] Is that what happened?

[1:06:22] Yeah.

[1:06:23] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:24] So, yeah.

[1:06:26] Harper's missing.

[1:06:27] So they start walking around.

[1:06:28] They find that they're in this big alien structure.

[1:06:32] And they immediately reason that for some reason the alien intelligence that built the structure they're in is different than the alien intelligence of the nanobot swarm that is chasing them.

[1:06:45] Yeah.

[1:06:46] They are two opposing forces.

[1:06:48] Meanwhile, Brian goes on a mind quest where a construct of his young son explains the hidden history of the human race.

[1:06:54] Yeah.

[1:06:54] And I don't – look.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:56] We'll get into the hidden history of the human race in just a second.

[1:06:58] But I don't want to, you know, shit on a kid's performance too much.

[1:07:03] He's a child.

[1:07:04] He can't – but I do think –

[1:07:05] I wasn't expecting it to go in this direction.

[1:07:07] Well, I do think it was a problem to give so much exposition to a kid who can't really deliver it well.

[1:07:15] And he's also trying to deliver it in a very, like, portentous, like, dramatic way when I think, like, both for logical reasons and for the kid's skills, the better way to go would have been, like, just do this pretty affectless, like, you're a robot.

[1:07:32] You're an AI.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:33] Oh, they should – I mean, they should have just got Haley Joel Osment to come in and bang it out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:37] I mean, he's not a kid anymore.

[1:07:39] What?

[1:07:39] He's a grown up.

[1:07:40] He's a grown man.

[1:07:41] I'm not going to go Dan's route.

[1:07:42] He could probably pass.

[1:07:44] I'm not going to blame the kid for this performance or this moment.

[1:07:47] I think it is – what I like about this and what I don't like about this are the same thing, which is that the movie at this point is almost over.

[1:07:54] And this is when they've decided to drop a huge exposition scene about the history of the human race for thousands of years.

[1:08:00] Yeah.

[1:08:00] And it is not interesting or surprising enough that it feels like a twist or a shock or something that the movie has been building towards.

[1:08:07] It's literally like the movie was like, what are we doing?

[1:08:10] What are we doing?

[1:08:11] I'll just make up some stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:12] Ancient aliens for like –

[1:08:15] Yeah.

[1:08:15] It explains this ancient aliens bullshit in the way to make it as clear to the dumbest people watching.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:22] Yeah.

[1:08:22] And so, Stuart, tell us the hidden history of humanity.

[1:08:25] HHH.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:26] Yeah, so –

[1:08:27] Triple H.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:28] That's what the wrestler Triple H was all about.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:30] Hidden history of the human race.

[1:08:32] Humans were once a galaxy-spanning utopia, but they were undone by an AI that they developed, and that AI manifested as these nanobot swarms.

[1:08:42] Their last attempt to save their race involved making a mega moon built around a white dwarf star.

[1:08:48] They were planning on making many of these, but the AI attacked them, so they were only able to launch a single moon that was meant to find an ideal world and seed it with DNA.

[1:08:59] A la Prometheus, baby.

[1:09:02] Yeah.

[1:09:02] Except whereas Prometheus did it super cool with like a weird giant drinking garbage and then melting into the planet.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:09] And then dissolving into humanity, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:11] Guys, guys, you know, remember when Prometheus came out and people shit on it?

[1:09:16] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:16] That was so stupid.

[1:09:17] It's great.

[1:09:18] It's a fun movie.

[1:09:19] It has its issues, but it's a super fun movie, and it's like –

[1:09:22] Yeah, it looks beautiful.

[1:09:24] Well, and that's one also where – maybe it's just because of that prologue, but when they wake up that engineer alien and – or whatever they're called, and he sees humanity and he hates it.

[1:09:34] Yeah.

[1:09:35] It's like, I made this.

[1:09:35] It means so much.

[1:09:36] I love it.

[1:09:37] I made this garbage.

[1:09:38] Like, you're my crap kids.

[1:09:40] Forget.

[1:09:40] Like, he's so angry about it.

[1:09:42] And the –

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:42] And there's this moment of realization where you're like, what if – like, what if you found God and God was disappointed in his creations?

[1:09:49] And then –

[1:09:49] Yeah.

[1:09:50] We then watch that guy get in a wrestling sex match with another alien.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:54] And then his belly rips open and a xenomorph comes out.

[1:09:58] Oh, it's so great.

[1:09:58] I love it.

[1:09:59] Like, God is mad at us.

[1:10:00] He's chasing us.

[1:10:02] An octopus monster is now going to eat him and impregnate him.

[1:10:05] Yeah.

[1:10:05] Time to attack and dethrone him.

[1:10:07] Yeah.

[1:10:07] It's all like –

[1:10:09] I thought this when I saw the movie in the theaters, and I still think in any movie where a lady uses a robot surgery machine to give herself a cesarean section and pulls out a little squid baby,

[1:10:19] I'm going to like that movie.

[1:10:21] I'm sorry.

[1:10:21] Yeah, yeah.

[1:10:21] Even if it's just for that one moment, you know.

[1:10:23] But this is a – yeah, this – a lot of – and also the idea of that, like, this alien intelligence is using the image of a family member to communicate with Harper.

[1:10:33] Like, that's stolen from contact.

[1:10:34] Like, this is not – there's nothing – for as crazy and silly and dumb as this is, there's nothing original about it.

[1:10:40] So maybe that's it.

[1:10:41] It feels like you've just injected these – this bonkers moment into your movie, but it's not that – you're not giving me anything.

[1:10:47] This movie has been full of new dumb, and this is a – mostly.

[1:10:51] This is an old dumb.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:52] Yeah.

[1:10:53] Can I say, like, the pettiest thing that bothered me in this sequence?

[1:10:57] Yes, please.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:57] I mean, you just criticized the performance of a child.

[1:11:00] So go ahead.

[1:11:00] Yeah, similar.

[1:11:00] If you can get more petty than that, go for it.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:02] Well, the child explains the nanobot thing, which is hilariously visually realized by another kid waking up in this utopia and seeing these swarms of nanobots inside what I guess is her alarm clock.

[1:11:18] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:18] Yeah, some kind of glass pyramid alarm clock.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:20] Yeah, and the narration goes, the AI suddenly became self-aware.

[1:11:28] And I'm like – number one, I'm like, way to gloss over things.

[1:11:33] But number two, just as a writing thing, writer of Moonfall, you don't have to say suddenly became self-aware.

[1:11:39] You can just say it became self-aware.

[1:11:41] It's going to be suddenly no matter what.

[1:11:44] It's not suddenly a thing that happens.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:49] I thought you were going to say if the definition of AI is self-aware.

[1:11:53] Like if it's a true artificial intelligence, it is self-aware.

[1:11:56] So the idea that it suddenly became self-aware, what was it before then?

[1:12:01] But anyway, it's a kid explaining it.

[1:12:04] So let's just say it's an ancient computer filtering through a child.

[1:12:08] It doesn't know how to explain these things.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:09] So they realized that the aliens that built the Mega Moon were not aliens at all.

[1:12:13] It was humans.

[1:12:14] And they have been drafted in defeating the swarm that is currently attacking their moon.

[1:12:20] And specifically what the swarm is trying to do is it could just go and destroy Earth.

[1:12:25] But more importantly, it also needs to destroy the moon so that humans can't spread anymore.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:32] Honestly, looking at what humans have done to the Earth, the AI might have a point.

[1:12:36] It may be good to stop that spread.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:37] That's the argument in a lot of these things where if it's like, oh, we need to save humanity.

[1:12:41] I'm like, eh.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:43] I'm like a galactic scale.

[1:12:46] Yeah, but in this case, like the Earth.

[1:12:47] I get why the people would want that.

[1:12:49] But every other living thing on Earth is like, hold on, let's hear them out.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:52] But there was no life on Earth before these aliens showed up and terraformed.

[1:12:59] We don't know that, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:00] All we know is that they sprinkled human DNA all over the place.

[1:13:04] I don't think they terraformed the planet.

[1:13:06] I think they just – because they were looking for a planet that was good for human life.

[1:13:10] I think right now there could be a chipmunk utopia, but the humans are around screwing it up.

[1:13:16] Basically –

[1:13:17] Chipmunks is hanging out, wearing shirts, no pants at all.

[1:13:20] Chipmunks is a chipmunk.

[1:13:20] It's a fair pace in the sea.

[1:13:21] It's just rescue rangers.

[1:13:23] Yeah, but in this – humans are the ultimate intergalactic gentrifiers is basically what it is.

[1:13:28] Yeah, yeah.

[1:13:28] Is that we found a virgin planet and we were like, this looks like a good place to set up our junk.

[1:13:33] And then we opened the world-destroying equivalent of like coffee places and things like that and expensive vintage stores.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:41] Okay, so the moon fixes their shuttle, makes it even better than before and soups up their cool EMP bomb.

[1:13:50] I think we're going to have a fight on our hands.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:53] They're like, I think we just got an upgrade.

[1:13:54] But it was disappointing because you see all these alien spaceships around.

[1:13:57] I thought they were going to have to fly one of those.

[1:13:59] Yeah, I was expecting that.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:00] No, no, no.

[1:14:00] And then they're going to go, I got to get me one of these.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:04] And now that's what I call pod racing.

[1:14:07] Yeah.

[1:14:07] So I'm loving it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:10] That was such a great album and that's what I call pod racing volume three.

[1:14:15] People cheering.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:16] So back on earth, our family is trying to make their way through ash.

[1:14:23] The human family, you mean.

[1:14:25] Our family of humanity.

[1:14:26] Yeah.

[1:14:26] They're trying to make their way through an ash strewn highway to a tunnel.

[1:14:32] But Tom has to give up his mask so his daughter will have oxygen, sacrificing himself, proving himself to be a good dad.

[1:14:41] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:42] I mean, honestly, it seems like they could have shared the oxygen tank, you know?

[1:14:47] Just like do the old scuba diver back and forth trick.

[1:14:51] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:51] Yeah.

[1:14:51] I mean.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:52] You affix your mask first before you affix your partner, your neighbor's mask.

[1:14:56] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:56] I mean, they had to, what they had to do was, they had to redeem Tom Pena for, or Tom Pena.

[1:15:04] Tom Pena.

[1:15:04] Yeah.

[1:15:05] I like Tom Pena.

[1:15:06] They had to redeem Tom Pena.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:08] Tom Pena sounds like, Tom Pena sounds like the owner of multiple car dealerships.

[1:15:13] Yeah.

[1:15:13] Yeah, it does.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:14] They had to redeem Michael Pena's character for being not Patrick Wilson, even though he was, by all accounts, it seems in the movie, a much better dad.

[1:15:22] And there's a part where they're like, he's like, we got to take the girls to Aspen.

[1:15:25] And they're like, what about Sonny?

[1:15:27] And it's like, yeah, you're right.

[1:15:29] I'll let the rest of the kids in the family die because Sonny's in jail right now.

[1:15:32] Like, forget it.

[1:15:33] Like, anyway, they treat that like it's a huge sin that he left Sonny in jail while he's getting the other kids to a safe place.

[1:15:39] Why didn't you break Sonny out?

[1:15:42] But anyway, he's a hero.

[1:15:43] He dies the hero saving his daughter.

[1:15:46] Every parent's dream.

[1:15:48] And when he dies, he has a look on his face of just like complete terror or like shock.

[1:15:53] You know, he doesn't die with a smile on his face.

[1:15:55] And I like that touch.

[1:15:56] He doesn't die with a sense of pride.

[1:15:58] He dies with a sense of like, oh, no, I'm dying now, which is what death is.

[1:16:01] It's scary.

[1:16:02] Yeah, what have I done?

[1:16:03] Okay.

[1:16:04] I could have kept that oxygen.

[1:16:06] What have I done?

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:07] Down in the top secret military bunker.

[1:16:09] They're like, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:10] Wait, his last thought was, wait, I have two daughters.

[1:16:13] And then he died.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:14] Yeah, yeah.

[1:16:16] Down in the top secret military bunker, they're like, let's nuke this fucking moon.

[1:16:20] Yeah.

[1:16:20] And Joe's ex-husband is like, uh-uh-uh, pulls out a pistol and takes the key.

[1:16:24] And he's like.

[1:16:24] He says, my wife is on that moon.

[1:16:26] My ex-wife is on that moon.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:28] Yeah.

[1:16:30] I don't know how, but she's going to save us.

[1:16:32] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:33] What a dumb movie.

[1:16:35] He was like, she's never let me down in the past.

[1:16:37] I'm like, I mean, I feel like she must have at some point.

[1:16:40] I mean, you're not married anymore.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:42] I mean, it seems like he was probably the one who let her down, ultimately.

[1:16:46] Let's not, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:47] We don't know what happened.

[1:16:48] For a relationship to fall apart, it takes two people, Elliot.

[1:16:51] I think that's it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:52] I don't know about that.

[1:16:52] I've seen a bunch of relationships that fell apart with just one.

[1:16:54] But anyway, point taken, point taken.

[1:16:56] It's communication is the issue.

[1:16:57] That's what I'm trying to say.

[1:16:59] Okay.

[1:17:00] Somewhere in the vetting process, somebody made a mistake.

[1:17:02] She's never let me down, except for the time she sang Africa by Toto at her wedding.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:07] Yeah.

[1:17:07] And I just couldn't let go of it.

[1:17:08] And ultimately, it led to our divorce.

[1:17:10] Yeah, that makes sense.

[1:17:11] Okay.

[1:17:13] So, back on the moon, Brian decides to sacrifice himself to blow up the swarm.

[1:17:19] But, uh-uh-uh, Casey's like, I'm going to sacrifice myself instead because I have less to live for.

[1:17:24] So, he locks himself in the little thing, and they drop him behind.

[1:17:30] Sonny gets trapped under a tree back on Earth.

[1:17:34] Casey triggers the bomb, killing the swarm.

[1:17:38] They escape.

[1:17:39] And luckily, the moon is, like, right there.

[1:17:41] So, they don't have very far to fly.

[1:17:43] They're back on Earth in, like, seconds.

[1:17:45] The moon starts to return to orbit.

[1:17:47] The moon's gravity lifts the tree off of Sonny.

[1:17:52] Yeah.

[1:17:52] Great.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:53] This is the point where I'm, like, early in the movie, I was, like, ha, ha, ha.

[1:17:57] How silly.

[1:17:58] They're using the moon's gravity to shoot the rocket up there.

[1:18:03] But now they've reached a point where it's literally just, like, helping people lift trees off of other people.

[1:18:09] It's so close.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:10] I mean, it sounds like we should just pull the moon closer anyway.

[1:18:14] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:14] Why is it that the gravity of the moon only affected the tree when the moon was leaving?

[1:18:19] Like, it doesn't –

[1:18:22] Who can say?

[1:18:22] I kept thinking about the scene in the movie, once a great notion, where a different character gets – obviously a different character because it's a different movie.

[1:18:29] Yeah, it's not sunny.

[1:18:30] The sun is on fire.

[1:18:31] Gets trapped under a tree underwater.

[1:18:33] Like, a log falls on him underwater.

[1:18:35] And his brother is trying to save him.

[1:18:36] And he keeps gulping oxygen and then going back underwater to deliver it mouth-to-mouth to his brother.

[1:18:41] But his brother is realizing there's no way he can save him.

[1:18:43] There's no way he can go get help in time.

[1:18:45] And it's such a sad scene.

[1:18:47] But anyway, so I was thinking about a much better scene from a movie that has its flaws but is like a real movie about people as opposed to a movie about when the moon's gravity turns on and off to do different things.

[1:18:58] You know?

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:59] Moon starts to return to orbit.

[1:19:01] Everybody's happy.

[1:19:03] Except Casey's dead.

[1:19:04] Or is he?

[1:19:05] Back on the moon.

[1:19:06] Casey's inside the weird simulation.

[1:19:09] He meets his grandma and Flux.

[1:19:11] No, his mom.

[1:19:12] His mom.

[1:19:13] I'm sorry.

[1:19:13] She looks like she should be a grandma, but Casey couldn't help her with that.

[1:19:19] And she's sitting there with Fuzz Aldrin, his cat, and she's speaking for the collected intelligence of the human race.

[1:19:29] Her fur grandbaby, yeah.

[1:19:30] And she explains that they've got work to do.

[1:19:35] Yeah.

[1:19:35] And this was setting up.

[1:19:36] He's part of the moon now.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:37] They said if – yeah, his personality was scanned and now he's a moon program.

[1:19:42] They said that if this movie had done well, they would have done – this was going to be the first in a trilogy and that the series was going to get even zanier.

[1:19:50] But I don't think we'll ever know their plans because this movie was not a success.

[1:19:55] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:57] Yeah.

[1:19:58] I mean I was – I mean I'm assuming the next stage would be like in the anime Gurren Lagann where at first they think they have to destroy the moon.

[1:20:05] But it turns out they just have to turn the moon into a giant battleship.

[1:20:09] Oh.

[1:20:09] So then they fly the moon battleship after the anti-spiral technology race.

[1:20:14] It's pretty cool.

[1:20:15] I'll show you the show sometime.

[1:20:17] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:17] And also there's a – all our heroes are reunited on a mountaintop because there's a convenient helicopter that – like I was reading that they thought it would be too convenient for the astronauts to land close enough to their families that they could just meet up that way.

[1:20:33] Yeah.

[1:20:33] So instead they had them ride a helicopter over.

[1:20:35] And it's still incredibly convenient that the entirety of this global emergency takes place either on the moon or Los Angeles or Colorado.

[1:20:43] Like those are the only real locations on earth that matter.

[1:20:45] Mm-hmm.

[1:20:46] But, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:47] I kind of wish – with the idea of like the moon going around the earth and wreaking havoc, I kind of wish they played up the idea that there's like – that they have to get as much stuff done when the moon isn't close to them.

[1:21:03] Like if they had to do like the cycle of it.

[1:21:06] Because again, the way the movie is is when the moon is nearby, everything goes up in the air.

[1:21:11] Right.

[1:21:12] When the moon is not nearby, everything's totes normal.

[1:21:15] And I wish that they had like made some effort to like play into that.

[1:21:19] Yeah.

[1:21:20] So like – yeah.

[1:21:21] Oh, shit.

[1:21:21] The moon's coming.

[1:21:22] We got this much time.

[1:21:23] The moon's coming.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:24] Tie yourself down.

[1:21:24] Tie yourself to the ground.

[1:21:27] Strap in.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:29] Hey.

[1:21:30] Buckle up, everybody.

[1:21:31] The moon's passing overhead.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:33] The moon.

[1:21:34] Moon.

[1:21:34] Moonfall.

[1:21:35] Moonfall.

[1:21:36] This movie that we watched.

[1:21:37] Yep.

[1:21:37] What do we think of it?

[1:21:38] Final Judgment's time.

[1:21:40] Is it a good, bad movie?

[1:21:41] A bad, bad movie?

[1:21:43] Or a movie we kind of like?

[1:21:45] Guys, I will say I – you know – I cannot give a totally, I feel like, objective review of Moonfall because –

[1:21:59] Well, because you wrote it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:00] Because you're one of the credited screenwriters.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:01] No, no.

[1:22:02] Because the first time I saw it was this 4DX experience with my friends.

[1:22:09] You know, like we hadn't been out to a movie together in a while because of the world.

[1:22:16] And I was mildly stoned and I was being tossed around and having water squirted at me.

[1:22:22] And I laughed my ass off at this film.

[1:22:26] I had such a great time.

[1:22:28] It was the most fun, like, bad movie experience I'd had, you know, since Cats.

[1:22:34] It does not compare to Cats, but it was a lot of fun.

[1:22:39] Watching it at home for the second time, you know, I didn't have that same impact.

[1:22:45] But I still think that, for me, this is a good, bad movie.

[1:22:49] But what do you guys think?

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:50] Yeah, I mean, I think I'll go along with you and say that it's a good, bad movie.

[1:22:55] It's – I mean, it's – like Elliot said, it feels like it's written by an algorithm.

[1:23:03] It is – there's nothing – there's no moment of originality in the whole movie.

[1:23:09] But it's very silly.

[1:23:10] And if you're looking for that, like, kind of like an echo of the, like, 90s heyday disaster blockbuster sci-fi action movies, you're like – your volcanoes, your independence days.

[1:23:26] I think this will give you enough of that memory but also be very dumb.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:31] Yeah, I think I'm going to go along with it being a good, bad movie.

[1:23:34] There are times when it gets a little – I have to admit, once they get into space, it gets a little duller to me.

[1:23:40] But the – it's – but there's so much – it's so dumb and it's very fun to see how dumb so much of it is and how little things make sense and how it's, like, characters act like the characters in movies act in the parody movies in, like, Last Action Hero and things like that.

[1:23:56] Like, it really feels like you've entered, yeah, this 90s doomsday universe.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:01] It feels like a movie that, like, it would – it wouldn't be out of place if it was, like, pitched as a parody movie in, like, a comedy.

[1:24:08] Like, if they're, like –

[1:24:09] Yes, yeah.

[1:24:10] Like, if they're, like, making fun of Hollywood with these dumb movies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:13] Yes.

[1:24:13] I will say if you – it didn't quite reach the threshold that Geostorm has for me where Geostorm – it's like Geostorm keeps coming up with new things that are – you're like, okay, okay.

[1:24:23] So you're not going to show me the first time that humanity comes together to save the weather crisis.

[1:24:28] This is about after the fact.

[1:24:29] But later to the Secretary of Defense trying to use a storm to assassinate the president.

[1:24:35] Like, it's – that's a – this movie was not quite as beautifully stupid as that.

[1:24:40] But it's pretty stupid.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:41] You know what?

[1:24:41] Yeah, I mean, Geostorm feels original in its stupidity.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:45] Yeah, yeah.

[1:24:46] They're really breaking new ground in stupid.

[1:24:47] But I will say this is a good, bad movie.

[1:24:49] If you want to see – if you want to watch some dumb junk, then you could do worse.

[1:24:52] Then Moonfall.

[1:24:53] Put that on the poster.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:54] I think the beauty of both of those, like Geostorm and this movie, is like we are entering the Baroque period of the disaster movie where all of the simpler disasters have been done.

[1:25:08] So people need to think of very weird premises.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:12] Well, the idea that people at one point could be entertained by something as quaint as a volcano.

[1:25:17] And now, yeah, now we need the stimulation that could come with the moon crashing into the earth.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:22] Or back in the 70s when it's just like, oh, no, a boat turned upside down.

[1:25:27] There's a building on fire.

[1:25:29] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:31] Yeah, I mean, for an adventure, that's a pretty straightforward adventure.

[1:25:35] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:37] Hey.

[1:25:38] What is it – and what do you think the future is going to be?

[1:25:39] Is it going to be like, we've got to – look, we've got to eat this black hole.

[1:25:43] It's the only way to save the earth.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:46] Everyone, grab your forks.

[1:25:49] I don't know.

[1:25:49] They're being sucked into the black hole.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:51] As you're sucked in, keep your mouth open so you swallow a little bit of it.

[1:25:55] Yeah, yeah.

[1:25:55] You're Kirby now.

[1:25:58] You're Kirby now.

[1:25:59] Have you heard – agent, have you heard of the Kirby project?

Dan McCoy

[1:26:06] Hey, everyone.

[1:26:07] We've got sponsors.

[1:26:09] And one of them is Squarespace, which is the all-in-one platform for building your brand and growing your business online.

[1:26:16] Stand out with a beautiful website, engage with your audience, and sell anything.

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[1:26:43] If there's one thing I know about search results, you want your prominence maximized.

[1:26:48] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:48] I totally believe you understand and approve of everything you were saying, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:53] That was my favorite 90s action film, maximal prominence.

[1:27:00] Sell your products on an online store, whether you sell physical or physical.

[1:27:07] Or what?

[1:27:07] Fidget spares.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:09] Is that a cat name?

Dan McCoy

[1:27:12] Yeah, let's get fidget spares.

[1:27:13] Whether you sell physical or digital projects.

[1:27:17] Products.

[1:27:17] Jesus Christ.

[1:27:19] I was combining physical and digital.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:22] Dan, people will always know that this is not an electronically generated voice.

[1:27:27] That this is not like an AI talking because why would they?

Dan McCoy

[1:27:32] Whether you sell physical or digital products, Squarespace has the tools you need to start selling online.

[1:27:40] All websites are optimized for mobile.

[1:27:42] Content automatically adjusts so your site looks great on any device.

[1:27:46] If this sounds like it's for you, you can go to squarespace.com slash flop for a free trial.

[1:27:52] And when you're ready to launch, use offer code F-L-O-P, that spells flop, to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:03] Yeah, that's what people love about live comedy is the moments of breaking.

[1:28:09] Poor words they call it in Britain.

[1:28:11] You know, today on the podcast, we talked a lot about megastructures.

[1:28:15] But now I'd like to talk a little bit about microdosing.

[1:28:19] Awesome.

[1:28:20] That's how you do it, Dan.

[1:28:22] That's how you do it.

[1:28:24] Coming in hot.

[1:28:25] Our show is sponsored by Microdose Gummies.

[1:28:28] Microdose Gummies deliver perfect entry-level doses of THC to help you feel just the right amount of good.

[1:28:36] As a user of Microdose Gummies, I find them to be very useful to take in the evening to kind of chill me out and help me get a good night's sleep.

[1:28:46] I don't need to get, like, super high or anything.

[1:28:49] It's nice to just feel a little bit kind of chill and relaxed and then go to sleep.

[1:28:55] I enjoy it if I'm drawing.

[1:28:56] I'm stressed all the time.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:57] I find that it gives me a little creativity boost.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:00] Yeah, a little creative boost.

[1:29:01] Yeah.

[1:29:03] So Microdose Gummies are available nationwide.

[1:29:06] To learn more about microdosing THC, just do a quick search online or go to microdose.com and use code FLOP to get free shipping and 30% off your first order.

[1:29:18] Links can be found in our show notes.

[1:29:20] But once again, that is microdose.com.

[1:29:23] Code FLOP.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:25] We also have a Jumbotron message.

[1:29:28] That's right.

[1:29:28] It's a Jumbotron time.

[1:29:30] This Jumbotron is from Michael Beauchamp.

[1:29:32] And he says in a message that I'll – I didn't fully understand at first, but I think I get it now.

[1:29:39] It says, Batman villain the corrector here.

[1:29:41] For your previous mini or mani episode, gum doesn't stay in your stomach for seven years.

[1:29:46] However, I just started my own LLC as an automation consultant.

[1:29:49] And I'm looking for clients, a business partner, and guidance, possibly an investor.

[1:29:53] I used Squarespace to set up the site, and I have an official LLC.

[1:29:56] I know the technical aspects of robotic process automation for office work, not factory, but no idea how to start a business.

[1:30:02] Visit my website and email me.

[1:30:04] And that website is www.beuchampsbusybots.com.

[1:30:08] That's www.beuchampsbusybots.com.

[1:30:15] Beuchamps Busybots.

[1:30:16] So if you're looking to get into the office automation business, get in touch with Michael Beauchamp at beuchampsbusybots.com.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:23] Looking for a business partner and just wanted to correct us about gum.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:28] And also wanted to correct us about gum.

[1:30:29] That there are two objectives to this message is what threw me off at first.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:33] I would say that the business thing seems like the primary objective of the Jumbotron.

[1:30:39] And the other thing is just sort of an along-the-way correction.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:43] Probably.

[1:30:44] So if you're looking to invest in or be involved in a new business, I guess get in touch with them.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:49] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:49] And I was hoping, Dan, that I could mention a personal project of mine while we have time.

[1:30:54] Listeners may know that I have another podcast right now.

[1:30:58] Sorry, guys.

[1:30:59] What?

[1:30:59] I didn't mean to cheat on you.

[1:31:01] What?

[1:31:01] It's okay.

[1:31:02] I'm into that.

[1:31:03] I don't want to go break – oh, okay.

[1:31:04] That's my fetish.

[1:31:05] Stu is part of his game that he plays, Game of Love.

[1:31:09] I don't want to break your hearts, but this is a podcast from iHeartRadio.

[1:31:12] It's called The Who Was Podcast, and it's for kids.

[1:31:15] This podcast we do now, The Flophouse, very much not for children, and you should not let your children listen to it.

[1:31:20] So if your children are looking for something to listen to while you're listening to The Flophouse, why not take them over to The Who Was Podcast?

[1:31:25] The Who Was Podcast, Dan, I'll Tell You, is a quiz show for kids about historical figures, and I co-host it with Megan O'Neill, a former sketch partner of Dan's.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:34] Yeah.

[1:31:34] I wanted to mention Megan O'Neill.

[1:31:38] Very funny.

[1:31:39] She used to be in a sketch group called Mr. White Pants that I was in.

[1:31:43] Oh, right.

[1:31:43] With my friends, Roy Koshy, Matt Coff, who writes for The Daily Show now, Rob Morrison, who is a great musician and Broadway actor.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:57] Yeah, I'm glad you could take my spot for a thing that exists and turn it into a spot for your sketch group that doesn't perform anymore.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:04] I'm more just reminiscing, and I'm happy that people seem to have gone on to do great stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:11] And Megan is a longtime Story Pirates member, and so if your kids want to learn about history or just want to have a little bit of fun and you hope they pick up a fact or two along the way, try The Who Was Podcast.

[1:32:22] It's available wherever you get your podcasts.

[1:32:24] It's the same.

[1:32:24] Just go to podcast places.

[1:32:26] Just go.

[1:32:26] It's called The Who Was Podcast.

[1:32:28] It's a quiz show.

John Hodgman

[1:32:33] Hi, my name is Graham Clark, and I'm one half of the podcast Stop Podcasting Yourself, a show that we've recorded for many, many years.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:43] And at the moment, instead of being in person, we're recording remotely, and you wouldn't even notice.

[1:32:49] You don't even notice the lag.

John Hodgman

[1:32:54] That's right, Graham.

[1:32:55] And the great thing about this...

[1:32:59] Go ahead.

[1:33:00] No, you go ahead.

[1:33:01] Okay, and...

[1:33:02] Okay, go ahead.

[1:33:04] And you can listen to us every week on MaximumFun.org.

[1:33:10] Or wherever you get your podcasts.

[1:33:12] Your podcasts.

[1:33:15] Did your neighbor back into your car?

[1:33:17] Bring that case to Judge Judy.

[1:33:19] Think the mailman might be the real father?

[1:33:22] Give that one to Judge Mathis.

[1:33:24] But does your mom want you to flush her ashes down the toilet at Disney World when she passes away?

[1:33:31] Now that's my jurisdiction.

[1:33:33] Welcome to the court of Judge John Hodgman, where the people are real, the disputes are real, and the stakes are often unusual.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:40] If I got arrested for dumping your ashes in the Jungle Cruise, it would be an honor.

John Hodgman

[1:33:45] I don't want to be part of somebody getting a super yacht.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:48] I don't know at what point you want to go into this, but we've had a worm bin before.

John Hodgman

[1:33:52] Available free right now at MaximumFun.org.

[1:33:55] Judge John Hodgman.

[1:33:56] The court of last resort when your wife won't stop pretending to be a cat and knocking the clean laundry over.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:02] Guys, we get letters from listeners.

[1:34:05] Don't tell us that we don't, because that would be a lie.

[1:34:08] And I'm going to...

[1:34:08] Mm, mm, prove it.

[1:34:10] Can you prove it with some evidence?

[1:34:11] Well, I'll prove it by reading a couple to you guys.

[1:34:14] I sure got showed.

[1:34:15] Dan really showed me.

[1:34:16] The first one was from...

[1:34:18] How does it feel?

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:18] I was hoisted on my own letard.

[1:34:20] That's a letter petard.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:21] Oh, what?

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:23] And it's...

[1:34:23] Why?

[1:34:24] So the Unabomber called his bombs?

Dan McCoy

[1:34:27] I guess so.

[1:34:28] This is from Jill Last Name Withheld, and it goes like this.

[1:34:32] In a recent episode, you talked about the way a double VHS set used to indicate a real cinematic experience.

[1:34:39] Mm-hmm.

[1:34:39] And I think it was Stuart that mentioned heat as an example.

[1:34:42] Oh, yeah.

[1:34:43] This jogged a memory that I hadn't thought about in a long time.

[1:34:48] Is that Obi-Wan Kenobi jumped in?

[1:34:50] Yeah, I was trying to do kind of a Ben Kenobi.

[1:34:52] Yeah, it was pretty good.

[1:34:52] I mean...

[1:34:53] My parents were from an older generation, generally really prudish about media, trying to shield even the teenage me from swearing, violence, and a general category they always labeled as smut, which ranged from mild sexual innuendo a la Golden Girls to outright sex scenes.

[1:35:13] So if my mom...

[1:35:14] A la Golden Girls.

[1:35:16] So if my mom brought home a movie rental from the local convenience store for me to watch with my friend on sleepovers, you could usually depend on it being pretty mild fare.

[1:35:27] So imagine the surprise of my 14-year-old self and my friend when we popped in the movie my mom had rented for us, a double VHS set of heat.

[1:35:35] It didn't take long to recognize this was a virtual catalog of everything we were not supposed to be watching.

[1:35:40] We giggled through the whole illicit thing, including what I have since heard was the longest shootout scene in film history.

[1:35:47] It was so long that eventually we had to turn in and finish it the next morning, which now brought the risk that one of my parents would walk into the room and realize the mistake they had made and force us to shut it off.

[1:35:58] But by now we were deeply invested in the lives and careers, criminal or otherwise, of Neil McCauley and Vincent Hanna and managed to finish it with a sound low and the door closed.

[1:36:10] To this day, I have no idea what possessed my mom to rent this for us, nor what movie she thought she was renting.

[1:36:16] She thought she was renting Manon of the Spring.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:22] That's like a nude scene, isn't it?

[1:36:23] But when Stuart brought up the double...

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:25] It would also not be the best movie for what that mom was going for.

Dan McCoy

[1:36:28] Box set, it really made me laugh to think about it again.

[1:36:30] Jill, last name with health.

[1:36:32] I just thought that was a nice story.

[1:36:33] That's great.

[1:36:34] That's a great story.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:35] That is a great story.

[1:36:35] I love the idea that they're like, I need something for these kids that's not going to have anything too adult.

[1:36:41] Hmm, heat.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:42] Who's the director?

[1:36:44] Michael Mann.

[1:36:45] Okay.

[1:36:46] He's human at least.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:48] I imagine that she saw Body Heat.

[1:36:51] It was in the hot section and she saw Body Heat and she said, that sounds too sexy.

[1:36:55] Just heat.

[1:36:56] Okay, that sounds less sexy.

Dan McCoy

[1:36:58] Take the body out of this.

[1:37:00] Oh, Al Pacino and Robert De Niro.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:05] Kids love them.

[1:37:06] Do you have this without the body?

[1:37:08] You're in luck.

[1:37:09] We do.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:09] Mm-hmm.

[1:37:10] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:12] Kids love Val Kilmer, Al Pacino, and Robert De Niro.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:16] Okay, this one is from Sadie, last name withheld, who writes,

[1:37:21] Dear Peaches, I've been listening to your older episodes of my commute to and from work and a conversation during the Ouija episode about unironic fans of terrible movies reminded me of a mostly related situation.

[1:37:37] Okay.

[1:37:37] That's what we love, mostly related.

[1:37:39] Yeah.

[1:37:40] My dear great uncle.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:41] Sometimes I'll just go to the mostly unrelated or mostly related festivals in my town and it's just great to see what they play, you know.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:48] My dear great uncle John is a quiet man and a gentle soul.

[1:37:52] As long as I can remember.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:54] Did we fall into an episode of Prairie Home Companion?

Dan McCoy

[1:37:58] Down at the, I can't even remember the thing.

[1:38:02] Like I listened to that so much when I was a kid because my parents listened to it and I can't even remember enough to make a reference now.

[1:38:09] It's so long.

[1:38:11] As long as I can remember his favorite activities have been fishing and two, sitting peacefully by a crackling fire.

[1:38:21] I do not think I've heard him talk about movies more than once in my life.

[1:38:24] The only exception being his infamous tie to cinematic history, having built a fence that ended up in several scenes of The Crucible.

[1:38:32] Whether he built it for the set or built it prior to filming for non-crucible reasons and it just happened to be there is unclear.

[1:38:39] He is a man of few words.

[1:38:42] Cut to two years ago.

[1:38:43] We were at his youngest daughter's wedding.

[1:38:45] For some bizarre reason, whoever made the seating chart decided parents of the bride, parents of the groom, one lone lesbian second cousin was a normal way to seat people.

[1:38:54] Placing my parents and brother on the other side of the weird hipster wedding barn without me.

[1:39:00] The father of the groom, apropos of nothing, decided to break the silence of five people eating with,

[1:39:06] You ever seen Waterworld?

[1:39:08] He let me know exactly how much he loathed Waterworld.

[1:39:12] I don't remember the details.

[1:39:14] I don't really care about my second cousin's father-in-law's hot takes on Waterworld.

[1:39:18] When he was done, my Uncle John...

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:21] This is all I've ever wanted to talk about at a wedding.

[1:39:23] I would so love it if someone just turned to me and said,

[1:39:25] Hey, you ever seen Waterworld?

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:26] A total stranger wants to talk about...

[1:39:29] Wants to grind their axe on their problems with Waterworld.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:33] I am there for it.

[1:39:34] Invite me to that wedding.

Dan McCoy

[1:39:35] Yeah.

[1:39:36] When he was done, my Uncle John softly said,

[1:39:39] I like Waterworld.

[1:39:41] Hell yeah.

[1:39:41] I think the trimaran is neat.

[1:39:45] Is that how it's pronounced?

[1:39:47] I don't know.

[1:39:48] Okay.

[1:39:48] Yeah, so you're the local waterhead, right?

[1:39:50] Yeah, that's his boat.

[1:39:53] I don't know.

[1:39:54] I think so.

[1:39:55] The father of the groom turned to him like Uncle John just voiced the most controversial,

[1:40:01] obscene opinion he'd ever heard and said,

[1:40:03] What are you, some kind of idiot?

[1:40:07] Yes.

[1:40:07] Uncle John, wounded, went back to eating his tiny, fancy cupcake.

[1:40:12] Later, he told me it was, in fact, his favorite movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:16] Oh, poor Uncle John.

Dan McCoy

[1:40:17] I've not seen Waterworld, nor do I intend to, but I've decided that for the sake of my Uncle John,

[1:40:22] I like this terrible movie.

[1:40:24] Every time I see something related to it now, I think of him.

[1:40:27] I even nearly bought him a Waterworld model trimaran at a yard sale.

[1:40:32] I guess it must be the boat.

[1:40:33] But my mom talked me into...

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:35] I don't know how that made you realize it was a boat.

[1:40:38] Well, a model.

Dan McCoy

[1:40:39] I mean, like...

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:40] It could be a model of a character named trimaran.

[1:40:43] Who's got three eyes.

Dan McCoy

[1:40:44] I don't think you would refer to it as a model.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:47] He's three Cheech Marans in one.

[1:40:49] That's why he's the trimaran.

Dan McCoy

[1:40:51] But my mom talked me into just taking a picture of it for him.

[1:40:54] What would he do with it?

[1:40:56] That's in quotes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:58] That's such a parent thing to say.

[1:41:00] Yeah.

[1:41:01] It may be...

[1:41:02] People hate getting gifts.

[1:41:03] What would they do with them?

Dan McCoy

[1:41:05] It may be as terrible as the podcasts say, but knowing it exists and bizarrely makes this

[1:41:10] dear old man happy warms my heart.

[1:41:13] So I suppose my question is this.

[1:41:14] Are there any movies or other media that you don't enjoy or have never seen, but you're

[1:41:20] just happy knowing it exists?

[1:41:22] Thanks.

[1:41:23] Sadie, last name withheld.

[1:41:25] I, you know, I...

[1:41:27] First, tell us what you feel about Waterworld.

[1:41:31] It's okay.

[1:41:32] It's a little long.

[1:41:33] Like, I don't think it's anywhere near as bad as people say.

[1:41:35] It's like...

[1:41:36] No, not at all.

[1:41:36] It's got a lot of cool stuff in it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:38] I remember liking it as a kid, but I also didn't have the cool taste I have now as an

[1:41:43] adult.

Dan McCoy

[1:41:44] Um, I, I, like, I think we've said similar, we've said this before, but like, I like the

[1:41:51] idea of trauma movies more than I like them in reality.

[1:41:56] I like that there's someone out there really keeping the spark of, uh, just, we're gonna

[1:42:03] put out trash.

[1:42:05] Sergeant Kabuki Man NYPD.

[1:42:07] Dumb trash, uh, in a very, like, carnival barker sideshow, like, uh, sort of way.

[1:42:14] And that's gonna be our business model.

[1:42:16] Um, but I don't particularly enjoy, like, none of them are as clever or as interesting

[1:42:23] as I want them to be.

[1:42:26] Uh, and I feel that way about a lot.

[1:42:28] Like, I have so many books about dumb exploitation movies that I know are more pleasurable for

[1:42:35] me to read about than actually sit down and watch because a lot of them just have, like,

[1:42:40] long, boring stretches in them.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:42] Well, and even, even the parts that are kind of exciting or interesting to read about when

[1:42:46] you watch them often, like, it's like, it's like, I, I feel that way similarly about a

[1:42:50] lot of the, like, grindhouse exploitation movies.

[1:42:53] Yeah.

[1:42:54] Where it's like, anytime I've ever tried to sit down and watch one of them, it makes me

[1:42:57] uncomfortable.

[1:42:57] Like, I don't like it.

[1:42:58] Like, it's, you know, the, the, it's often, like, the thing we read about, like, the most,

[1:43:03] the, like, most extreme grindhouse movies ever made.

[1:43:06] And you're like, that sounds, that sounds bizarre.

[1:43:08] But then you try to watch it and it's either boring or it's like, oh, this is, this is making

[1:43:12] me, like, this is unpleasant.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:14] You have to sift through a lot of the, like, outre classics to find one that's actually

[1:43:19] fun to watch.

[1:43:21] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:22] So those are good answers.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:23] What do you, do you, you look like you're thinking hard, Elliot?

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:27] I mean, I don't really have a movie answer, although that, if I had thought of it, that

[1:43:32] would have been my answer.

[1:43:33] I think that I like that people are making kind of strange trash, but I don't really want

[1:43:38] to watch it.

[1:43:38] But the, I think the, when I heard this question, it was the, or other media that got to

[1:43:43] me.

[1:43:44] And I started thinking about the Wu-Tang Clan, where I'm not, I'm not a rap guy.

[1:43:49] I don't really, it's just not my kind of music.

[1:43:50] There's nothing wrong with it.

[1:43:51] It's just not my taste.

[1:43:52] But there's something about knowing that there's this elaborate collective of guys who have had

[1:43:58] these long careers making rap that is based in this strange amalgamation of, like, city

[1:44:05] life and martial arts movies and comic books and, like, their own mythology of alter egos

[1:44:10] and things like that, that I like hearing about it and I like knowing it

[1:44:13] exists.

[1:44:14] It's very complicated.

[1:44:15] Yes.

[1:44:16] And I love hearing when, it's one of the things where I like hearing people make reference

[1:44:19] to it and knowing that it's, that this, that this galaxy of people and creators and concepts

[1:44:24] is out there.

[1:44:24] But I don't want to sit down and listen to the music.

[1:44:26] It's just not my taste.

[1:44:27] But I'm glad it's out there.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:29] Yeah.

[1:44:29] I mean, I feel like, especially as I get older, I encounter more and more media that

[1:44:34] is not necessarily directed to me and might not fit my taste.

[1:44:37] But I'm like, you know what?

[1:44:38] I'm glad that there's stuff for everybody out there.

[1:44:41] Yeah.

[1:44:42] I mean, when it comes to movies, like, I've always said that, like, I'm never a huge fan

[1:44:47] of Kevin Smith's movies, but he seems like a nice guy and I'm glad he gets to, like, make

[1:44:53] movies.

[1:44:54] Yeah.

[1:44:57] And, like, it's the same thing with, like, Wes Anderson.

[1:45:00] Like, I'm not a huge Wes Anderson fan, but I'm glad that he's making these, like, specific

[1:45:07] movies to him that a lot of people love.

[1:45:09] Like, I'm glad that there is that kind of, like, that's part of the cinema world.

[1:45:15] Yeah.

[1:45:16] And I don't know, like, a lot of pop music isn't my thing, but it makes people happy.

[1:45:20] It doesn't seem to be hurting anyone.

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:22] It's nice when there's a feeling that, not that one thing is something for everybody,

[1:45:26] but that there is something for everybody.

[1:45:28] Yeah.

[1:45:28] There are things available for everybody.

[1:45:30] And there's no people, I feel like there's a lot of bemoaning the loss of, like, a monoculture.

[1:45:35] But it means that not everybody has to pretend, like, imagine if Moonfall was the one movie

[1:45:40] that was coming out.

[1:45:41] Yeah.

[1:45:42] And, like, we all had to go see Moonfall and everybody had to see it.

[1:45:44] And, like, everyone from my grandma to me to my mom to my kids had to go see Moonfall.

[1:45:51] Like, that's kind of the way movies used to be.

[1:45:52] And it's nice that it's not that way as much.

[1:45:54] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:45:55] Well, and, look, not to get political again, but I think that a lot of, well, I mean, I

[1:46:01] think that another bad habit of a lot of more toxic dudes is to, like, think that everything

[1:46:10] should be for them.

[1:46:11] And get angry when it's not and not understand why it's not.

[1:46:16] Like, you know, there's the weird review by that guy of Turning Red where he's like, I

[1:46:22] don't, you know, like, why is this about a Canadian Chinese girl?

[1:46:25] Like, who is this for?

[1:46:27] And I'm like, well, number one.

[1:46:29] God, what a fucking dork.

[1:46:30] You should be able to, like, part of the beauty of movies is, like, like, Roger Ebert called

[1:46:37] them empathy machines.

[1:46:38] Like, it's to put yourself in a different person and to, like, recognize people's universal

[1:46:44] humanity.

[1:46:45] But even if it's not for you, like, that's fine, too.

[1:46:49] You know?

[1:46:50] Like, it's for someone else out there who needs that movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:53] Well, that was one of the things that Roger Ebert was good at.

[1:46:56] And I have my issues with that empathy machine line just because I think it undercuts how

[1:47:01] dangerous movies can be.

[1:47:03] That movies can also create hatred as well.

[1:47:05] But that, like, the, but that one of the things Roger Ebert in a lot of his reviews, as he

[1:47:09] got older at least, when he was younger, not so much, but as he got older, he'd be like,

[1:47:13] this isn't what I'm looking for, but it does what it's doing really well.

[1:47:15] So if you like this kind of thing, you're going to like it, you know, that it didn't

[1:47:19] have to be his personal taste for him to recognize at least the level of quality or that it would

[1:47:24] satisfy a certain audience's appetite, you know?

[1:47:27] Yeah.

[1:47:28] But it's similar, like, there's been, like, a renaissance in the last, I don't know, 10

[1:47:32] or 20 years in romance novels and, like, both the quality and the variety of them.

[1:47:37] And, like, I don't want to read romance novels, but I'm glad they're out there.

[1:47:40] And I'm glad that people who do like reading romance novels have, like, a greater selection

[1:47:43] of quality things to read and things that they're going to enjoy more.

[1:47:47] So, like, it's nice when, like I say, it's nice when there are things for everybody and

[1:47:51] it's not everybody just having to make do with the same stuff, you know?

[1:47:55] Because eventually we're just living in that Repo Man world, you know, where it's just a

[1:47:59] can that says food on it.

[1:48:00] That's all you get.

Dan McCoy

[1:48:03] That's all you get.

[1:48:04] Hey, let's move on to our final segment of the show, which is where we recommend movies

[1:48:09] that we liked, in this case, non-ironically.

[1:48:13] We all kind of liked Moonfall as a silly thing, but, like, what's something that's maybe good?

[1:48:18] Here's a...

[1:48:19] I mean, because none of us are making the argument that Moonfall is good.

[1:48:23] Good, bad, but...

[1:48:24] Yeah.

[1:48:25] Here's a movie that I saw at a Weird Wednesday presentation at the Alamo, and I enjoyed it.

[1:48:34] I would say I enjoyed it quite a bit, but it also has...

[1:48:38] It's got its flaws, let's say.

[1:48:41] It's called Delta Space Mission.

[1:48:44] It was the first Romanian full-length animated movie, although when I say full-length, it's

[1:48:52] under 70 minutes.

[1:48:55] It's from 1984.

[1:48:58] It is subtitled, but the actors, it's subtitling.

[1:49:06] Like, it's one case where maybe it would work better dubbed, because the actors whose voices

[1:49:10] are in it are not providing any emotion or character to their characters.

[1:49:16] And it is a baffling plot.

[1:49:20] Like, it is hard to sort of understand everything that is going on, but you only need to understand

[1:49:26] the most basic level, which is there's a super smart supercomputer that falls for a sexy alien

[1:49:33] reporter and then sends a bunch of spaceships and robots to try and kidnap her.

[1:49:41] But you don't watch it for the plot.

[1:49:43] It is the weak part of the film.

[1:49:46] The interesting part of the movie is just the visual style.

[1:49:51] It is a weird, semi-psychedelic animated space opera.

[1:50:00] I, you know, I'm looking at my Letterboxd review because I wanted to recall what I wrote down,

[1:50:05] and I said, it's equal parts Peter Mac's old Sesame Street cartoon short, heavy metal comics,

[1:50:10] the Star Trek filmmation series, and illustrations from a 70s high school science textbook.

[1:50:16] And, like, a lot of it is done in rotoscoping, which gives it this, like, weirdly hyper-realism,

[1:50:24] hyper-realistic movement to go along with the strange style.

[1:50:28] And then some of it's just, you know, old-fashioned limited cell animation and not that great.

[1:50:35] But it's always just sort of startling to look at.

[1:50:39] And, you know, it drags a bit at parts even at its time.

[1:50:44] But it is, if you want something that feels like it has been sort of beamed in from another world,

Stuart Wellington

[1:50:53] the Delta space mission has that vibe.

[1:50:55] That's great.

[1:50:56] I'm going to recommend a movie that I don't, probably doesn't need me to champion it because it was nominated for Best Picture this year.

[1:51:02] I'm going to recommend Drive My Car, a Japanese movie directed by Ryusuke Hamaguchi.

[1:51:09] I believe I said that right.

[1:51:11] And it's based on a Hiroki Murakami story and feel.

[1:51:16] I haven't read the story, but it definitely feels like a Murakami story.

Elliott Kalan

[1:51:20] Does someone spend a lot of time folding their laundry or making pasta in the middle of the day?

Stuart Wellington

[1:51:24] I mean, it feels, it's, well, the main character is a middle-aged man who does not communicate his feelings for most of the movie.

[1:51:34] But it's, it's a, so the movie's about a man who loses his wife.

[1:51:42] And years later, he is kind of coping with that while producing a production of a, the play Uncle Vanya for a, for a festival.

[1:51:58] And, uh, it's a play that he had a deep connection to and he had, he and his wife had a connection to.

[1:52:03] And, um, it kind of, uh, follows him and some of the, uh, the characters, uh, some of the people that are involved in this production.

[1:52:13] Uh, and he has to examine his, uh, his grief about his wife.

[1:52:18] And also, uh, he forms a connection with the young woman who drives, has to drive his car.

[1:52:25] Uh, and it's great.

[1:52:27] Um, yeah.

[1:52:28] Check it out.

[1:52:29] It's, it's long.

[1:52:29] It's three hours long.

[1:52:30] I mean, there's a moment 40 minutes in when they drop the credits and I'm like, oh shit.

[1:52:36] We're in it, baby.

Elliott Kalan

[1:52:40] Uh, but it's.

[1:52:40] Enough fooling around.

[1:52:41] The movie's really starting now.

[1:52:42] Yeah, it's great.

[1:52:43] It's great.

[1:52:44] Elliot.

[1:52:44] Uh, I'm going to recommend a movie that sounds very different from that.

[1:52:47] Uh, I'm going to recommend the movie A Field in England.

[1:52:50] Oh, yeah.

[1:52:50] Directed by Ben Wheatley and written by Amy Jump.

[1:52:53] And this is a movie, it is an hour and a half long.

[1:52:55] It is much shorter.

[1:52:56] But it really feels like you've been through a real quest experience.

[1:53:00] Unpleasant.

[1:53:01] Uh, it's sometimes unpleasant, sometimes not.

[1:53:03] Uh, it's set during the English Civil War.

[1:53:05] And there is a guy who, uh, basically is trying to run away from an assignment he is given

[1:53:11] to catch, uh, catch an alchemist who has stolen some things from the alchemist who is his master.

[1:53:17] And he meets up with a soldier and then eventually falls under the, uh, under the power of that

[1:53:22] bad guy alchemist.

[1:53:24] And a lot of it is these different, is these, this small group of, of, uh, 17th century English

[1:53:30] men wandering around kind of complaining about the 17th century in ways that I found very

[1:53:34] funny a lot of the time.

[1:53:35] Yeah.

[1:53:36] And, uh, but then about, about two thirds in, it becomes, it becomes very strangely

[1:53:41] hallucinatory and, uh, and loses its bearings to a certain extent.

[1:53:46] It's a movie where looking at it from purely from a, does this plot make sense point of view?

[1:53:50] It does not totally make sense.

[1:53:52] Uh, but I enjoyed it a lot and I thought it was alternately funny and also offsetting and,

[1:53:58] uh, and, uh, discomforting.

[1:54:01] And, uh, it's just a strange little movie.

[1:54:03] Uh, and considering it as a movie that is mostly five guys just wandering around in a

[1:54:08] field, uh, I thought it looked like it's...

[1:54:09] Making hamburgers.

[1:54:10] Yep.

[1:54:12] What?

[1:54:12] They inspired the hamburger chain of the same name, five guys.

[1:54:15] Yeah, exactly.

[1:54:17] These five guys and they, it's, they, it was, and one of them uses five napkins on his burgers.

[1:54:21] That's for five napkin burgers.

[1:54:22] Oh, wow.

[1:54:23] But, uh, the, it's, uh, it's all shot black and white and I thought it looks really good.

[1:54:29] So, uh, it's a movie that, uh, I'm recommending, but it's a, uh, your mileage may vary with it,

[1:54:35] but I liked it a lot.

[1:54:37] It's called A Field in England.

Dan McCoy

[1:54:39] Well, guys, uh, I'm going to suggest that we release Stuart from his wizard's curse.

[1:54:45] Yay!

Elliott Kalan

[1:54:45] That's what I call a hangover.

[1:54:48] Now, that, that curse, that curse is that he has to, like Wizard Magazine, cast all the

[1:54:52] comic book movies in the 1990s using only stars that look kind of like the characters in the movies.

Stuart Wellington

[1:54:57] Oh, people are so into it.

Dan McCoy

[1:54:59] Uh, but, uh, I want to encourage you, if you like this show, go over to MaximumFun.org.

[1:55:05] That is our podcasting network.

[1:55:07] There are a lot of other great, uh, shows on the network.

[1:55:11] I'm sure that if you like this show, you'll like at least one other one.

Stuart Wellington

[1:55:15] Um, and, uh, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:55:17] Hey, just take it, you know, take a shot.

[1:55:19] Give it a try.

[1:55:20] Why not?

[1:55:20] Try it.

[1:55:20] Give it a rip.

[1:55:22] Yeah, punch it.

[1:55:23] I want to say that, uh, if you're interested in merch or other things, you can go to our

[1:55:28] website, uh, FlophousePodcast.com.

[1:55:31] You can check us out.

[1:55:32] We got a Twitter.

[1:55:33] We got an Instagram.

[1:55:35] We got a YouTube channel.

[1:55:36] And I want to thank our producer, Alex Smith, who is HowellDotty on Twitter.

[1:55:42] Uh, that's H-O-W-E-L-L-D-A-W-D-Y.

[1:55:50] I think.

[1:55:52] And, uh, that's it, guys.

[1:55:55] Stuart's already looking at his phone.

[1:55:57] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[1:55:57] Checking them DMs.

[1:55:59] Mm-hmm.

[1:55:59] Who slid in this today?

[1:56:02] Ugh.

[1:56:03] Uh, yeah.

[1:56:04] So, uh, this has been great.

[1:56:06] Okay.

[1:56:07] No comment.

Dan McCoy

[1:56:08] Let's take that as a no comment.

[1:56:09] Uh, for the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:56:12] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Dan McCoy

[1:56:14] I'm Elliot Kalin.

Elliott Kalan

[1:56:16] Bye.

[1:56:17] Bye.

Stuart Wellington

[1:56:22] You good?

[1:56:23] Just trying to make sure my mic is pointed at my mouth and not at my titties.

[1:56:28] Mm.

[1:56:29] Mm.

[1:56:30] You don't want it to pick up your nipple noise.

[1:56:32] Yeah.

[1:56:34] That was the name of your band in high-end college, wasn't it?

[1:56:36] Stuart Nipple Noise?

[1:56:37] Yeah.

[1:56:38] It was, uh, it was a feminist grindcore band.

[1:56:40] Mm.

Elliott Kalan

[1:56:41] Uh-huh.

[1:56:46] MaximumFun.org.

John Hodgman

[1:56:48] Comedy and culture.

[1:56:49] Artist owned.

[1:56:50] Audience supported.

Ep. #370 - Moonfall

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