FH Mini 55 - The Fruit Group, with Chris Weitz

Stuart Wellington

[0:00] Hey there, and welcome to another Flophouse Manny brought to you by Minnie's Bar and Maniac

[0:09] of New York.

[0:10] This is an episode of the Flophouse podcast that unlike a full episode where we watch

[0:15] a bad movie and talk about, this is one of our Manny's where we talk about something

[0:19] kind of whatever the fuck we want to talk about.

[0:22] Now, for example, this would normally be the time where I would be hosting a game show

[0:25] called Skeet, Scoot, Scarrett, where I would give my friends challenging questions where

[0:34] they would have to guess whether or not the movie features Skeet Ulrich, Scoot McNary,

[0:39] or Tom Scarrett, and if they got it wrong, they would be kicked out of the podcast forever.

[0:44] But we're not going to be playing that game tonight.

[0:45] Wow.

Stuart Wellington

[0:45] I know.

[0:46] High stakes.

[0:47] That's what people are into these days.

[0:49] It's a squid game.

[0:50] Those are amazing Skeet, Scoot.

[0:52] What was the other one?

[0:52] A Scarrett Stakes.

[0:54] Yep.

[0:54] That's the scariest thing about it is that if you get Scarrett wrong, I don't know where

[0:59] I was going with this.

[1:01] Scarrett stories just hell in the dark.

[1:03] But instead, we're doing something completely different.

[1:05] We're doing something that I feel like our listeners have been begging for.

[1:08] I get tweets about this all the time.

[1:11] That's right.

[1:12] We're going to be talking tangerines and other tasty treats with the Flophouse Fruit Group.

[1:18] And joining us today, we have my guest host, Dan McCoy, Elliot Kalen, and the original fruit

[1:26] brewed himself, Chris Weitz.

[1:28] Hey, Chris.

[1:28] Thanks for joining us.

[1:29] Hey, a very fruity evening to you three guys.

Dan McCoy

[1:33] The most natural and obvious fit for this bit for reasons that I'm looking forward to finding

[1:40] out over the course of it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41] And the most obvious natural bit for the show to do, considering one-third of the host hates

[1:47] fruit, refuses to eat them.

Stuart Wellington

[1:49] That's the funniest part.

[1:53] So, let's give a little background.

[1:55] First off, Chris, thank you so much for joining us.

[1:58] I'm very excited to talk to you about your background with fruit.

[2:02] But to give everybody a little bit of a heads up, I've become a little bit of a healthy boy

[2:06] in the last year or so.

[2:07] A big part of my life is eating fruit and nuts.

[2:10] But nuts are a different thing.

[2:12] We're going to be talking nuts in the nut house.

[2:14] Not going nuts.

[2:15] I think that's copyright and Magic Tavern Boys.

[2:18] But we'll talk about nuts another time.

[2:19] That's not tonight.

Elliott Kalan

[2:20] Wait, Stu.

[2:20] Actually, I have one nut-related thing.

[2:22] So, I've been watching a lot of television.

[2:25] Oh, I've heard of it.

[2:27] And is this – they've been running a lot of ads for nuts.com, which is some kind of

[2:31] website where you can order nuts.

[2:32] Is that a nationwide thing or is it just a California area business?

Stuart Wellington

[2:37] Are you asking if the commercials are a California thing?

Elliott Kalan

[2:40] If you turn on the TV on the East Coast, are you going to see a commercial for nuts?

Chris Weitz

[2:44] A local World Wide Web website like they have.

[2:48] Yeah, that's what I wanted to ask.

[2:49] It's a statewide website.

Dan McCoy

[2:51] Are you seeing this on streaming services or are we talking like old-fashioned?

Elliott Kalan

[2:56] CNN, baby.

[2:57] TV.

[2:57] CNN.

[2:58] When I'm watching Stanley Tucci searching for Italy, nuts.com comes up a lot.

Stuart Wellington

[3:03] It's not the ad that plays before your pornographic video.

Chris Weitz

[3:06] Has he found it yet?

[3:07] I haven't been watching.

[3:08] Did he get there?

Stuart Wellington

[3:10] Oh, are you asking if Stanley Tucci found Italy?

[3:12] That's actually a good question.

[3:14] He's still looking for Italy.

[3:15] He's bringing spices from America to Italy.

Elliott Kalan

[3:17] The last episode he actually was in London, so I think he has not found Italy or they ran

[3:21] out of budget.

Chris Weitz

[3:21] But he named it New Italy.

Elliott Kalan

[3:24] And he went back to Queen Isabella.

Chris Weitz

[3:27] Oh, mama mia.

[3:28] And said he would subdue the natives and get gold.

Elliott Kalan

[3:31] Oh, yeah.

[3:32] He enslaved most of parliament and put them into the pasta mines to bring back what they

[3:37] needed.

[3:37] Very sad.

Stuart Wellington

[3:38] So today's episode, I can't really answer that because most of New York commercials are

[3:45] either online sports betting app ads or cars for kids.

[3:48] Can I add one more nut thing?

[3:50] Actually, I wanted to start.

[3:51] Yeah, yeah.

[3:52] We're taking a nut break.

Chris Weitz

[3:53] I always thought if I had a nut company, I would call it What Are You?

[3:58] So that then when you call them up, they would answer, What are you, nuts?

Elliott Kalan

[4:02] What do you think, guys?

[4:03] Oh, fuck.

[4:04] That's good.

[4:05] That's good.

[4:05] What's your business model?

Dan McCoy

[4:07] That's it.

Elliott Kalan

[4:09] Just the name.

[4:10] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[4:10] Well, sharks, what do we think?

Elliott Kalan

[4:13] Yeah.

[4:14] I mean, I like it.

[4:15] I'm all in, dog.

[4:16] I'll turn my chair around for it.

[4:17] Is that what you do in this show?

[4:18] I don't know.

[4:19] I've never seen it.

Stuart Wellington

[4:21] That was actually a shockingly good Mark Cuban impression right there.

[4:26] I'm all in, dog.

Elliott Kalan

[4:29] I like this business idea.

[4:30] Dog, throw him in the tank full of sharks.

[4:32] See if he gets out alive.

Dan McCoy

[4:33] Elliot saw one reality contest years ago.

[4:38] He assumes that they're emblematic of all of them.

Stuart Wellington

[4:40] I mean, if Elliot was really trying to make this like a reality show, he'd be like, actually,

[4:48] Chris, I don't like that idea.

[4:51] I love it.

[4:53] Wow.

[4:54] God, you had to be going there.

[4:55] Turnabout.

[4:56] Yeah.

[4:56] Kind of stressed me out.

[4:57] I'm glad that that pregnant pause I left didn't get filled with Elliot talking.

[5:02] I was kind of assuming it was going to be.

[5:04] No, no.

Elliott Kalan

[5:05] I saw where that joke was and I decided to hold back from interrupting it and derailing it.

Chris Weitz

[5:09] That shows real gross.

[5:10] You know what?

[5:11] I think this has happened more than once that we need to deal with the problem of pauses getting pregnant so easily.

[5:18] What are we going to do about it?

Elliott Kalan

[5:20] It happened before, didn't it?

[5:23] Topical.

Dan McCoy

[5:23] We got very topical all of a sudden.

[5:25] It got very intense.

[5:26] What are we talking about fruit?

[5:28] What's going on?

[5:29] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[5:29] Fruit-wise.

[5:30] Dan wants to get down to brass tacks and I am with you.

[5:32] So to give you a little bit of background, I've become a healthy boy.

[5:35] It's important to me.

[5:36] And I thought, who better to talk about fruit, one of the pillars of the food groups here, than my buddy Chris White, a guy who the last time we hung out, I was like, wouldn't it be funny if we did a podcast and talked about fruit?

[5:52] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[5:54] So Chris, what's your connection to fruit?

[5:57] Why did I take them up?

[6:00] It is.

Chris Weitz

[6:00] It's an excellent question.

[6:02] And I've put together a little speech of about 40 minutes to answer it.

[6:10] Actually, I don't know.

[6:11] I got the call.

[6:12] The flop signal went out a couple of days ago.

[6:17] And I said, what's it going to be?

[6:19] Anything but fruit.

[6:20] And then lo and behold, it was fruit.

[6:22] So imagine my dismay.

Stuart Wellington

[6:26] Now, anybody who's trying to do a little bit of, to excavate my Twitter account will find that about a week ago, we were out drinking with the Blank Check Boys.

[6:36] And about 10 hours into drinking, I think I tweeted, tonight is the point of a drunken, or right now is the point of a drunken night where I'm a menace to everyone in my contacts list.

[6:48] And you know what, Chris White, you're in my contacts list, buddy.

[6:52] Consider me menace.

[6:53] So you have been drafted.

[6:55] No, it's great.

Chris Weitz

[6:56] I want to earn my way back from the joyless slog through the story of my career that was the last mini that I did with you guys.

Elliott Kalan

[7:04] I thought that was very educational and also entertaining.

[7:08] Well, thank you.

[7:10] Educational, I would call it.

Chris Weitz

[7:11] Yes, you and the other two guys on this podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[7:15] I certainly will call it educational.

[7:17] So just to give you guys a little bit of a breakdown, just so that the listeners at home know what we're going to be getting into.

[7:23] We're going to break.

[7:23] And us also.

[7:24] Also, so we know what we're getting into.

[7:26] Oh, yeah.

[7:26] And so that you guys know what we're getting into.

[7:28] To break down tonight's episode, I'm just going to give us some points.

[7:33] The first section is going to be called Everyday Snacking, Fruit That Is Part of Your Daily Diet.

[7:41] Chapter two is Baked in a Pie, Fruit That Is Perfect for Dessert.

[7:47] Wait a second.

[7:50] Chapter three, Fruit on Film.

[7:53] The main attraction is Fruit.

Dan McCoy

[7:59] Wait, that's all part of the same title?

[8:02] That was one title.

[8:03] Part three.

[8:04] I think that was the slogan, the tagline.

Stuart Wellington

[8:07] Chapter four, Reversal of Fortunes.

[8:10] Times change and so do our taste buds.

[8:13] What fruit did you use to love and never eat?

[8:16] And what do you hate now that you loved growing up?

[8:19] Who knows?

[8:20] And you didn't want to call that Reversal of Fruit-tunes?

[8:23] Oh, fuck.

[8:24] Alex, change it.

[8:25] Change it real quick.

Dan McCoy

[8:28] Yeah, I guess snip out Elliot saying.

[8:30] Over and over.

Stuart Wellington

[8:32] Okay.

[8:33] And then finally, we're going to wrap it up with part five.

[8:36] We're going to do an all-time top five fave fruits.

[8:39] This is our definitive ranking based on all the important categories.

[8:45] Feel, flavor, ease of consumption, appearance, wild card.

Dan McCoy

[8:54] Yeah.

[8:55] Yeah.

[8:55] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[8:56] Okay.

[8:56] So we know we're in four.

[8:58] So let's start with the first topic, fellows.

[9:00] Chapter one, everyday snacking.

[9:02] Fruit that's part of your daily diet.

[9:04] So Elliot, I have a feeling I know your answer.

[9:07] Guys, what kind of fruits do you guys eat on a daily basis?

Chris Weitz

[9:13] Finally.

[9:14] Someone asking the hard questions.

Dan McCoy

[9:17] I'll say that I'm also on the first leg of a journey to become a healthy boy.

[9:24] So I've been keeping fruit around.

Elliott Kalan

[9:28] Like here's the thing.

[9:29] Right now, you're just looking at fruit.

[9:31] You're just having it around you and looking at it.

[9:33] That's the first thing.

[9:33] Keeping it around.

[9:34] Part of it is.

[9:36] I've been doing a lot of acclimating myself to fruit by having it around in the apartment.

Dan McCoy

[9:42] I mean, you joke, but that's almost exactly what I was about to say.

[9:46] Because like the thing is, you got to have the food around.

[9:48] You got to have the good food around to replace the bad food.

[9:52] It's not like I'm going to eat less food, guys.

[9:54] Let's be frank.

[9:56] I've gotten too used to putting something in my mouth.

[9:57] I'm going to be Stuart.

[9:58] I'm sorry.

[9:59] Yeah.

[10:00] Stuart refusing to be frank.

[10:01] Good stance.

Chris Weitz

[10:04] Know thyself.

[10:04] So do you let the fruit get closer to you every day?

[10:08] Like first, this is 10 feet away.

Dan McCoy

[10:09] If I see fruit around.

[10:12] Look, seeing fruit is the first step to eating fruit.

[10:15] So if I need a healthy breakfast.

[10:16] I mean, it's a very first step.

[10:18] A very first step.

[10:19] You know, and if there's a banana on the counter, I'm going to have the banana instead of something else.

Elliott Kalan

[10:23] So Dan is introducing an interesting idea, which is that blind people can't eat fruit, according to Dan.

[10:28] It's not.

[10:29] If seeing the fruit is the first step, then they can't even get on board.

[10:32] They can't get in on the ground floor.

Dan McCoy

[10:34] I didn't say it's a necessary step.

[10:35] It's a step in my life on the road to eating fruit.

Chris Weitz

[10:41] Could you fool yourself by sort of secreting it into other things, like inside of a meatloaf or something?

[10:48] Like a banana?

[10:49] That's a good question.

[10:49] Or a banana inside a burger.

Elliott Kalan

[10:50] I thought you were going to say fool yourself by looking at a banana and then reaching for a candy bar.

[10:55] But you're not looking at it, but you're still reaching for it blindly.

Dan McCoy

[10:57] I think the effects of putting something that's not very calorically dense into something very calorically dense.

[11:03] You're going to take down the overall density, but better just to replace the meatloaf with something else.

Stuart Wellington

[11:11] I mean, I feel like it's not uncommon for a meatloaf to feature like raisins or prunes.

[11:17] I mean, I feel like those are like a binding or a flavor agent.

[11:20] Yeah, I'm not on board with that.

Elliott Kalan

[11:20] Yeah, I think what's raising an interesting question too is who is eating meatloaf as a snack, which is what the banana would be.

[11:27] That's actually true.

Dan McCoy

[11:27] A banana is not a meal unless you're a monkey.

[11:29] A banana is a meal replacement.

[11:31] I have most days these days.

[11:33] Like a meatball is a snack.

[11:34] I have a hard-boiled egg for breakfast and then possibly also a banana if I'm lucky.

[11:41] If I'm lucky, guys.

[11:42] Do you eat your egg on like a little cup?

[11:44] Like one of those little egg cups?

[11:46] Oh, it's a hard-boiled egg.

[11:47] And you crack egg.

[11:48] Okay.

[11:48] That's for a soft-boiled.

[11:49] Oh, God.

[11:50] I feel like an idiot.

[11:52] I'm the only one who's making any effort to engage with the questions here.

[11:55] You can dip a little toast point into it.

Chris Weitz

[11:59] Like a crack open, a soft-boiled egg.

[12:01] You can dip a toast point in it.

[12:02] But instead, you could dip in some kind of fruit.

[12:05] Like a wedge of puccona.

[12:07] Puccona into the yolk.

Stuart Wellington

[12:10] I mean, if we're talking about everyday fruit, of course, I have pineapple or oranges in the morning.

[12:17] And then throughout the day, I eat mangoes, dried mangoes, watermelon, and pears.

[12:24] Dried mangoes are-

[12:24] Oh, and I have a banana.

[12:26] I have one to two bananas before working out.

Chris Weitz

[12:30] Sorry, I was jumping in there.

[12:31] But dried mangoes are very sugary, right?

[12:34] Because once you remove the water, then you're looking at some damage.

Stuart Wellington

[12:38] Yeah.

[12:39] That's true.

[12:40] Yeah.

[12:40] I mean, I got to have a treat there, you know?

[12:43] Yeah.

[12:44] I'm worth it.

Dan McCoy

[12:45] After some fully hydrated mangoes, a nice treat like a dried mango is.

[12:51] It's good.

[12:51] Talk about caloric density.

[12:52] You're removing all of the stuff that makes it fill you up without causing calories.

Stuart Wellington

[12:59] The point of the Flophouse Fruit Group is not to talk about the benefits of fruit,

[13:04] but just how good and how tasty it is.

[13:06] I see.

[13:07] And how easy to eat sometimes.

[13:08] Well, no.

Dan McCoy

[13:08] Dried mango is a very good, tasty fruit.

[13:11] I just look-

[13:12] Well, the hedonism, though, Stu, of your fruit lifestyle to be like,

[13:16] my everyday morning fruit is pineapple.

Elliott Kalan

[13:22] You're right, Dan.

[13:23] Really take him to task for that one.

Chris Weitz

[13:25] Do you slice the hard rind off your pineapple,

[13:29] or do you buy pre-cut in like a plastic tub?

Elliott Kalan

[13:33] Or do you just take a bite out of a pineapple shell?

Stuart Wellington

[13:36] That's actually a good question, Elliot.

[13:37] Now, Chris is making me reveal that I spend more money on pineapple

[13:42] by buying the plastic pre-cut stuff.

[13:45] Because I've never actually cut my own pineapple before.

Dan McCoy

[13:49] It's fun.

[13:49] You get-

[13:50] Like, Audrey showed me how to do it with the minimum of waste.

[13:52] You end up with like a spiral around the pineapple

[13:55] because you got to get all the little-

[13:57] Nubbins.

[13:58] What?

[13:59] Barbs?

[13:59] Yes, a bit.

[14:00] Yeah, the barbs.

Elliott Kalan

[14:02] At the risk of being a curmudgeon,

[14:04] I'm going to say that does not sound fun.

Dan McCoy

[14:06] Come on.

[14:07] You get a spiral cut, you know, looks-

[14:10] Wait, you guys, films.

Chris Weitz

[14:11] Films.

[14:11] The Draftsman's Contract.

[14:12] You guys seen that?

[14:14] There's an intense pineapple moment at the end.

[14:17] Wait, the movie's called The Draftsman's Contract?

[14:20] Yeah.

[14:20] Is that Peter Greenaway?

[14:21] Peter Greenaway, The Draftsman's Contract.

[14:22] Yeah.

[14:23] That's one of his that I've not seen.

[14:25] I think it might be his best because the other ones kind of stink.

[14:27] But yeah, at the end-

Elliott Kalan

[14:30] This is what the listeners tune in for for these hot takes on Peter Greenaway.

Chris Weitz

[14:34] Spoiler alert, at the end, the guy who has been the living statue takes a bite of the pineapple

[14:40] because it's all set in the 18th, 17th century.

[14:43] Anyway, pineapples were very, very impressive and expensive at the time.

[14:46] And he takes a bite of the pineapple then, but he bites right into the hard, nubbly bit

[14:51] and spits it out because he doesn't understand the nature of the pineapple.

[14:55] Yeah.

[14:56] If only it had a Dan McCoy there to cut it up perfectly.

Stuart Wellington

[15:00] Spiral it out for him.

[15:02] Now, Dan, part of it is I feel like you're-

[15:05] I feel like now that I-

[15:07] When I come over to record, your wife often-

[15:10] Audrey often offers me various fruit.

[15:14] She seems to be-

[15:15] Is she encouraging this lifestyle shift for you?

Dan McCoy

[15:20] If the lifestyle shift you're talking about is being hospitable to guests, then yes.

[15:25] Yes, that's what I was asking.

[15:26] Well, and the pineapple is the fruit of hospitality.

[15:28] Yeah.

[15:30] I mean, I-

[15:31] I'm the grumpy one who's like, he's got his own fruit.

[15:36] He doesn't need to eat all the pineapple.

[15:37] He gets fruit all the time.

[15:38] Don't waste your good fruit.

Stuart Wellington

[15:43] Well, that's lovely.

[15:44] So, I think that covers all of our everyday snacking.

[15:47] Elliot, do you got anything to add here?

[15:49] Do you feed your kids fruit or do you just give them, what, like fried toast points?

Elliott Kalan

[15:55] Mostly it's fried toast points.

[15:56] I have a deep fat fryer and I put toast points in it.

[15:59] Kids love it.

[16:00] Yeah, kids love that.

[16:01] My-

[16:02] I, as maybe long-time listeners will know, I don't like fruit.

[16:05] I think it's gross.

[16:06] I don't-

[16:06] It doesn't-

[16:07] It isn't good to me.

[16:08] But, as my children never fail to remind me, cucumbers are technically a fruit because they have seeds on the inside.

[16:16] So, I do eat a lot of cucumber in my daily life.

[16:18] I do love that your children take after you.

[16:21] Yeah, my children are very much like me in that they are constantly correcting me and are annoying when they do it.

[16:26] But, my children eat a lot of fruit, especially my younger one, the almost four-year-old, constant fruit.

[16:32] So, I find myself handling a lot of fruit and like peeling oranges, which I find disgusting.

[16:36] And I have to do with my-

[16:37] When you like dig in with your fingernails to rip the peel open and it gets under your fingernail, ugh, I hate it.

[16:42] But, lately, he's been on a real cherry kick.

[16:44] So, I've been doing a lot of pitting cherries and getting cherry juice splattering on me as I pit them.

[16:49] But, I do like to use the cherry pitting machine because it's like one of those things that Jeremy Irons had made for gynecology for mutant women in Dead Ringers.

[16:59] That's what I imagine that tool is like.

[17:01] Stuart, what were you going to say?

Stuart Wellington

[17:02] First off, I was going to say, I don't know what a cherry pitting machine is at all.

Elliott Kalan

[17:07] Well, it's not really a machine.

[17:07] I mean, it's a simple machine.

Stuart Wellington

[17:08] It just pushes the pit out.

[17:10] It's like a hole punch for a cherry.

[17:12] Oh, okay.

[17:12] That makes sense.

[17:13] Like a leather punch, but for a cherry.

Chris Weitz

[17:16] Top tip for listeners, you can use a straw for that as well.

[17:22] In case you don't want to go.

[17:24] That is a top tip.

[17:24] That's the kind of tip you only get on a blockhouse mani or a fruit club.

Dan McCoy

[17:28] Did I ever tell you guys that I sent in a tip to Cook's Illustrated?

[17:33] You got it?

[17:34] No.

Elliott Kalan

[17:35] I want that issue.

Dan McCoy

[17:36] Are you familiar?

Elliott Kalan

[17:37] So, I don't know if any of you read Cook's Illustrated, but there's a…

[17:42] My father-in-law is a big reader of Cook's Illustrated.

[17:45] They're always lying around me.

[17:46] I'm actually a subscriber.

Dan McCoy

[17:48] Well, the tips section in the front, you will know, is like…

[17:52] That magazine is barely illustrated.

[17:54] Silliest…

[17:55] Well, those are the most illustrations.

[17:57] This is when the tips.

[17:58] They've got all these line drawings because it's a very important cooking magazine.

[18:02] So, it has line drawings.

[18:04] But all the tips are making things so much harder.

[18:08] And, like, I mean, in the same spirit, I gave them a tip of mine that was, like…

[18:14] Honestly, looking back, I'm like, why did I waste my time on this?

[18:17] But I would…

[18:18] When I made iced tea, I would string the strings of the tea through the hooks of a slotted spoon.

[18:24] So, I would have, like, a nice little, like, tea bundle that I could pull all of the tea out.

[18:30] And it was an easy way of doing it.

Elliott Kalan

[18:32] Saving you milliseconds.

Dan McCoy

[18:34] I mean, not the time that you took to thread the tea strings through.

[18:38] I'll tell you.

[18:39] It may not have saved me a lot of time.

[18:41] But it did save me the money of a year's worth of Cook's Illustrated because I got a free subscription off that tip.

[18:48] Oh, that's worth it.

[18:49] That's great.

Stuart Wellington

[18:51] Oh, man.

[18:52] So, what issue was that?

[18:55] So, eagle-eyed listeners can go…

Dan McCoy

[18:58] Eagle-eyed listeners go back several years back.

Chris Weitz

[19:01] If I had done that, I would know exactly the issue and the month and everything.

[19:04] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[19:05] I'm surprised you don't have the page framed on your wall, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[19:07] I have a photo of it somewhere.

Elliott Kalan

[19:11] That's cool.

[19:11] Like a Polaroid?

Dan McCoy

[19:12] On my phone.

[19:14] Not like…

Stuart Wellington

[19:14] I didn't, like…

[19:15] I didn't frame a photo of the magazine.

Chris Weitz

[19:16] I once got a…

[19:18] I got a trap entered into Grimtooth's Traps, Volume 2, published by Flying Buffalo.

[19:25] That's very cool, dude.

[19:27] It's pretty cool, right?

[19:29] What was the trap?

[19:30] The trap was…

[19:31] Well, okay.

[19:32] First of all, I was 13 years old.

[19:34] And it was a…

[19:37] I think it wouldn't have been fair.

Elliott Kalan

[19:38] It wouldn't have been fair if as an adult you submitted.

[19:41] It's true.

[19:42] Because you're competing with children and you're a professional screenwriter.

[19:45] Yeah, the brain power I would have brought to bear.

Chris Weitz

[19:46] It was a balsa wood dragon, right?

[19:48] The trap was a balsa wood dragon.

[19:50] And inside would be the real sort of monsters like, you know, what have you.

[19:54] Orcs, kobolds, et cetera.

[19:57] And so, like, when the adventurers would go and attack it with swords, if they did, swords would get stuck in the balsa wood.

[20:05] And then the orcs would burst out with the element of surprise.

Stuart Wellington

[20:10] That's a good trap.

[20:11] That's a good trap.

[20:12] You know…

[20:13] Feel free to use it.

[20:13] Years ago, I got a fan letter published in an issue of Savage Dragon.

[20:19] That's pretty cool.

[20:20] Nice.

Elliott Kalan

[20:21] Oh, yeah.

[20:22] I once had a fan letter printed in an issue of Wolverine.

Stuart Wellington

[20:24] What was the letters page in Wolverine?

[20:27] Because in Savage Dragon, it was Finn Addicts.

Elliott Kalan

[20:31] Oh.

[20:32] I don't remember what the Wolverine was.

[20:33] It was probably like Snick Stamps or something like that.

[20:35] I don't remember it being a particularly good title.

Dan McCoy

[20:37] Well, we've all defined what flavor of nerd we are.

[20:40] Okay.

[20:40] Now we can move on.

Elliott Kalan

[20:41] Moving on.

[20:42] Chapter two.

[20:42] See, I think it was like I'm the best there is at what I do, and what I do is write letters to Wolverine.

Stuart Wellington

[20:48] That makes sense.

[20:49] Yeah.

[20:50] So, chapter two is baked in a pie, fruit that is perfect for dessert.

[20:54] What kind of a dessert confection…

[20:56] Like, what kind of fruit addition to a dessert encourages you to order that dessert from a menu?

[21:03] Dan, you're the baker of the group.

[21:04] What kind of dessert…

[21:05] What kind of fruit do you like when you are baking?

Dan McCoy

[21:10] I…

[21:11] A peach is a good…

[21:13] A peach is a good…

[21:14] I find that peach is a good baking…

[21:20] Like, stone fruit in general…

[21:22] Because, like, the thing about stone fruit is if you get something perfectly in season, perfectly ripe, it's going to be delicious.

[21:30] That's a very small window.

[21:32] But if you put it in a pie or a cobbler or a grunt or a crisp…

[21:37] What's a grunt?

[21:39] Grunt.

[21:39] Wait.

[21:39] What is a grunt?

[21:40] Same question.

[21:41] I'm familiar with the Brothers Grunt.

[21:42] I used to know what it is.

[21:44] It's like it's closer to a cobbler.

[21:46] Let's see.

Stuart Wellington

[21:47] Wasn't Russell Crowe's, like, hip-hop band called something…

[21:51] Something on feet of grunts?

Dan McCoy

[21:53] It was 30-odd foot of grunt.

[21:54] I think a grunt might be the one that has just biscuits on top.

[21:57] Was that a sexual thing?

Elliott Kalan

[21:59] Like, 30-odd feet of grunt?

[22:01] Like, Russell Crowe?

[22:03] That's a good question.

[22:04] I mean, Russell Crowe's such a sexual being that it's hard to imagine it wasn't.

[22:09] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[22:10] It's basically like you're dropping dumplings on top of your fruit.

[22:14] That's what I say when I have to use the bat.

[22:17] Yeah.

[22:19] So you like stone fruit, peaches?

[22:23] Yeah.

[22:24] And it's boring.

[22:25] Another fruit that, like, don't care for an apple most of the time, usually mealy, unless

[22:30] you get, like, a really great deviler.

[22:33] But a good cooking fruit as well.

Elliott Kalan

[22:37] My kids, they go through a lot of apples.

[22:39] And that's one of my favorite fruits to have to handle for them because it's, you know,

[22:42] it's less sticky and gross.

[22:45] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[22:45] Right.

[22:45] Do your kids have a favorite type of apple?

[22:51] No.

[22:52] No?

[22:53] Is it because they don't know or because you intentionally hide that there are different

[22:57] types of apples from them?

[22:59] I don't want them to go further down that road.

[23:01] Yeah.

[23:01] The road that you've gone down in which Dan has started to go down by looking at fruit

Elliott Kalan

[23:05] in his own home.

Stuart Wellington

[23:05] Yeah.

[23:06] There's no way back.

[23:06] I'm Sam Neill in Event Horizon at this point.

Elliott Kalan

[23:09] Just ripping your own eyes out because you've seen too many fruit.

Chris Weitz

[23:13] The debauched world of being able to distinguish between different kinds of apple.

[23:19] My middle child, Paolo, specializes in asking for an apple just when it's time to go to bed.

Elliott Kalan

[23:27] Oh, that's a favorite of Sammy's also.

[23:30] Nice.

[23:30] He's getting into bed and he goes, oh, suddenly I'm hungry.

[23:33] Can I have an apple?

[23:35] And it's like, well, it's a healthy food.

[23:37] I guess we can't say no.

[23:38] And he's like, hey, like you didn't ask before.

[23:40] I didn't, I wasn't hungry before.

[23:42] I didn't know, yeah.

[23:43] But I brushed my teeth already.

[23:45] Like he brings that out as if it's like.

[23:47] I guess I'll have to brush my teeth again.

[23:48] He's trying to be conscious.

Elliott Kalan

[23:50] Yeah.

[23:50] Oh, and how much longer is it past my bedtime?

[23:53] Oh, wow.

Stuart Wellington

[23:54] Oh, man.

[23:56] Hey, kids, you gotta love them.

[23:58] Kids.

[24:00] I was about to say, so when it comes to dessert, you know, I was about to say a pistachio,

[24:08] but that would be a nut and nut is not a fruit as we've addressed.

[24:14] Pistachio.

[24:14] That's good.

[24:16] I do like, I do like strawberry, especially if strawberry is mixed with my old pal rhubarb.

[24:23] I'm sorry.

[24:23] I was going to jump in there and say rhubarb, but I didn't want to spoil it for you.

Dan McCoy

[24:26] How did I forget?

[24:27] Strawberry rhubarb pie is my favorite of all.

[24:29] It's the best.

Elliott Kalan

[24:30] Now, what if strawberry was mixed with Rue McClanahan?

[24:32] Would you feel the same way?

Stuart Wellington

[24:34] Oh, man, that'd be extra spicy, Elliot.

[24:38] Now, here's a, oh, sorry.

Chris Weitz

[24:40] No, well, it's actually, this is important that I get to this.

[24:43] I was going to say blueberry.

[24:45] But also, you may notice that I forgot to answer the previous question, and you know what it would have been?

[24:50] Blueberries.

[24:52] So, just, it's a pattern.

Elliott Kalan

[24:54] It's interesting you say that because blueberries is part of what I was going to say, too.

[24:57] Stuart says, what kind of dessert would you, seeing fruit on the menu, will make you want to order it?

[25:01] I will actively not order a dessert when they list that fruit is part of it.

[25:06] And one time, the only time I've ever eaten at the steak restaurant in Yankee Stadium, they listed as a dessert.

[25:12] It was like chocolate pudding.

[25:14] And I was like, that's great.

[25:15] What can you do with that?

[25:15] That sounds fine.

[25:16] And I didn't find out until they delivered it that it was chocolate pudding with berries in the pudding, just kind of haphazardly strewn without, as if a great galley full of berries had been sunk by an invading Viking horde.

[25:29] And the berries manning the oars had just fallen into the pudding sea.

[25:33] And so, I then had to use my spoon to individually remove these berries, and I could just see the level of the pudding going down as I removed so many berries from the bowl.

[25:43] It was so disappointing.

Stuart Wellington

[25:44] Yeah, you feel like they were just really, they were taking up a lot of real estate.

[25:48] They were filling in with these cheap berries as compared to the chocolate pudding, which I can only assume was much cheaper.

Elliott Kalan

[25:56] I'm sure it was cheap.

[25:57] I mean, the real issue is that I like eating chocolate pudding, and I don't like eating berries.

[26:00] So, it's like, hey, we have the food you ordered.

[26:03] Here's a secret surprise.

[26:04] It's full of a thing you don't like.

[26:05] But we didn't say that on the menu.

[26:08] Unless you're saying that, like, they ran out of chocolate pudding, and they were like, we need some filler to help fill up this bowl.

[26:13] Quick, hand me those berries.

[26:14] Everyone loves them.

Dan McCoy

[26:15] Hand me those berries and this insulation.

[26:18] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[26:20] They probably were like, this kid needs some antioxidant stat.

[26:23] Let's throw some berries in that shit.

[26:25] That's possible.

[26:26] But there were a lot of blueberries in there.

[26:28] I got to go back, guys, under everyday snacking.

[26:32] A big component of my meals is I have protein shakes.

[26:36] I take a vegan protein powder, and I usually mix it with a banana, a handful of blueberries for my antioxidants, as I've already mentioned.

[26:45] Some peanut butter, almond milk, and almond, once again, almond milk, not fruit.

[26:49] That's a nut.

Elliott Kalan

[26:50] We just can't get away from nuts in this conversation.

Stuart Wellington

[26:53] I can't.

[26:53] I'm trapped.

[26:56] And ice.

[26:57] And that's, yeah.

[26:58] So I make a smoothie like that basically every day.

Elliott Kalan

[27:02] Speaking of berries and also everyday snacking, again, my kids love fruit.

[27:06] I don't.

[27:07] But one thing I do bond with my younger child over is we have a mulberry bush in our yard.

[27:12] And you go around it.

[27:13] And we go around it, all around it, early in the morning.

[27:17] And so right now we're in mulberry season.

[27:21] And the mulberries ripen just a handful at a time.

[27:24] And it's very fun to go with him when we hunt through the leaves together to get mulberries for him.

[27:28] And he's small enough still that he can just walk into the inside of this mulberry bush.

[27:32] And I'll just see the leaves shaking periodically.

[27:34] And I know he's in there.

[27:35] And then he'll just walk out covered in mulberry juice.

[27:38] How can you hate fruit after that?

[27:41] I like that my child enjoys it, but I still don't want it.

Chris Weitz

[27:44] You should start a silk industry by feeding mulberry leaves to some silkworms.

Elliott Kalan

[27:51] Oh, yeah.

[27:52] That's a great idea.

[27:53] I mean, I'm already raising regular worms in my garage.

[27:55] Everybody needs a side hustle.

[27:58] And I think this silkworm business.

[27:59] Yours can be worms.

Chris Weitz

[28:03] Actually, I'd like to tell you a little bit about my smoothie habit, which is to use dark sweet cherries.

[28:09] And I also have a song that I sing to my children, which goes with them.

[28:12] I'm going to sing it for you right now.

[28:14] Yes, please.

[28:15] Dark sweet cherries, dark sweet cherries, dark sweet cherries.

Elliott Kalan

[28:19] I ain't messing with no berries.

[28:21] See?

[28:22] Yeah.

[28:22] That's a good one.

[28:23] How do your children react to that song?

[28:25] With delight?

Chris Weitz

[28:26] After about 50 times, they remembered it.

Elliott Kalan

[28:32] Oh, that's because they're mostly tuning you out at that point.

Chris Weitz

[28:35] Oh, and there's another one I did, which was to the tune of,

[28:38] It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas.

[28:40] It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Syphilis.

[28:44] This is another mealtime song?

[28:46] Yeah, but then the children remember that almost instantly, and my wife Mercedes is really mad that I ever did that.

Elliott Kalan

[28:53] Yeah, that's like any song parody that involves poop or something like that, the children pick it up very quickly.

[29:00] And yet my parody song, 50 Films with Danny Glover, a parody of 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover, they never remember the lyrics.

[29:06] Yeah, they never.

Stuart Wellington

[29:06] I think that calling these songs parodies is a little joke.

[29:10] Yeah.

[29:13] Weird Al Yankamick is already writing an angry letter into us.

Elliott Kalan

[29:16] Yeah, it's Dear Sirs.

[29:18] Have I ever sang that?

[29:19] Someday I'll have to sing that song on the podcast, 50 Films with Danny Glover.

[29:22] I'll have to look up all the lyrics.

[29:23] Yeah, I like that.

[29:25] Here's part of the chorus.

[29:26] There's Lethal Weapon 3, Lee.

[29:28] Lethal Weapon 4, Thor.

[29:30] Lethal Weapon 2, Lou.

[29:32] Now listen to me.

Chris Weitz

[29:34] You might think that he's in Thor, which he's not, though.

[29:38] No, no, no.

Elliott Kalan

[29:40] There's only so many names that rhyme with Thor.

Dan McCoy

[29:42] Is there a 5 Clive rhyme in there at any point?

Elliott Kalan

[29:46] Well, was there a Lethal Weapon 5?

Dan McCoy

[29:47] I don't think so.

[29:49] Didn't they make it a 5?

[29:50] No, I guess they topped out.

[29:51] I thought it only went up to 4.

[29:52] Topped out of 4?

Stuart Wellington

[29:53] Part 4 is the one with Jelly, right?

[29:55] Yes.

[29:56] And part 3 is the one with the cop killer bullets, right?

Elliott Kalan

[30:00] I don't really remember 3 that well.

Chris Weitz

[30:03] Which one is Diplomatic Immunity?

Elliott Kalan

[30:06] That's Part 2.

[30:07] That's Lethal Weapon 2.

Dan McCoy

[30:08] There's a proposed Lethal Weapon 5, but it's, you know.

Elliott Kalan

[30:11] Oh, but they said no at the altar.

[30:13] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[30:14] Wow, they waited all the way to the altar.

[30:16] So they agreed to the proposal, and they waited for the wedding to be planned.

[30:20] There, they got engaged.

[30:22] Yeah.

[30:22] Oh, wow.

[30:23] That makes, that's too bad.

[30:24] That happens.

[30:26] I think it's a loose cannon.

[30:27] Yeah, that's true.

[30:29] Okay, so I feel like, do we have any more thoughts on fruit as dessert, guys?

[30:34] Because all this movie talk has me hankering to do Chapter 3.

[30:39] We're talking fruit on film, where the real star of the show is fruit.

Elliott Kalan

[30:46] Okay.

[30:47] Did you spell real, R-E-E-E-L?

[30:49] Yes.

[30:50] Oh, good.

[30:53] That's helpful to know.

[30:54] Obviously, obviously, one of my favorite movies.

[30:57] This is our appeal to real department.

[30:59] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[31:00] One of my favorite movies also features one of my favorite uses of fruit in a movie.

[31:06] The scene in Call Me By Your Name, where old Timmy Chalamet just jizzes all over that peach that's nuts.

[31:15] Yeah.

[31:16] You mentioned nuts again.

[31:17] It's bonkers.

Chris Weitz

[31:18] I was trying to do a bit of research into fruit in the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[31:23] With going on almost no information for me, so I'm impressed.

Chris Weitz

[31:27] And actually, one of the fruit moments I remembered was from Call Me By Your Name.

[31:35] And I think, okay, is it wrong to say it's a bit gross?

[31:40] Whether you're straight or gay or whatever, that when Army Hammer eats the fruit which has been jizzed into it, that's a bit gross?

Stuart Wellington

[31:50] I mean, I think it's a little – I feel like it's a little intense.

[31:54] Like, I don't know.

[31:54] I'm not going to kink shame anyone, but the idea of that you're – yeah.

[31:59] At this point, I think it's like any piece of food that has been fucked and then eaten is a little interesting.

Chris Weitz

[32:07] And actually, for me to say that is actually ridiculous.

[32:09] I have to take it back because, of course, my career was made on fruit being –

Elliott Kalan

[32:17] You have intimate professional knowledge of jizz inside of a fruit-based dessert.

Dan McCoy

[32:22] And again, I have to say, Chris, I don't – whoever told you that about pie versus sexual intercourse, I don't understand.

Chris Weitz

[32:31] Okay, not for the first time in my life, may I say, that I did not write the script of American Pie.

[32:38] And so.

Elliott Kalan

[32:39] You did write the naked mile though, right?

[32:45] I was just trying to –

Chris Weitz

[32:47] I live my life a naked quarter mile at a time.

Elliott Kalan

[32:53] The Jericho naked mile.

[32:55] I imagine you were handed the script from – American Pie, the script was handed to you by the studio mogul.

[33:00] He goes, Chris, I got your next assignment right here.

[33:02] And you're reading through it and you go, but boss, but boss, a vagina is nothing like a hot apple pie.

[33:07] Yeah, yeah.

[33:07] I thought it was like –

[33:07] We're giving wrong information to the youth of America.

Stuart Wellington

[33:10] I thought it was like how Moses went up and came back with the script for American Pie.

Elliott Kalan

[33:16] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[33:17] And he came back and –

Elliott Kalan

[33:18] It was handed to me from on high.

[33:20] The Israelites were all having sex with a golden cow.

[33:23] And he said, no, no, guys, it's a pie.

[33:25] We got to use a pie.

[33:26] It's a golden apple pie.

Chris Weitz

[33:27] My brother and I were just trying to deliver on the premise, you know.

[33:30] And so if there was going to be a scene in which a boy has sex with a pie, we were going to make it the best damn version of it we could.

Elliott Kalan

[33:36] I mean, you have to include that scene because otherwise the name of the movie makes no sense.

Chris Weitz

[33:41] Well, actually, up until pretty late in the process, the studio wanted to call it Comfort Food.

Elliott Kalan

[33:48] That's a terrible name.

[33:49] It's a pretty bad name, yeah.

[33:51] That's terrible.

[33:52] It doesn't even tell you what country it's from.

[33:56] Now, here's the thing about that call me by your name thing.

[33:58] Again, I've stated I don't like fruit.

[34:00] I don't enjoy it.

[34:01] Not that way.

[34:02] I've never eaten semen.

[34:05] But the fact that it is closer to meat makes that fruit a little bit more attractive to me.

[34:10] I've got to be honest.

[34:11] I'd rather eat an animal product of some kind.

[34:14] Yeah, you heard of your first, folks.

[34:16] Yeah.

[34:17] This is the kind of – we're talking fruit after dark.

[34:21] This is the kind of hot talk we can get into.

[34:22] Yeah.

[34:23] Now, was there ever any argument with the studio, Chris, about what kind of pie it was going to be?

Chris Weitz

[34:28] Never.

[34:29] Actually, that's one of the – no, that was never a problem.

[34:31] There were – eventually with the –

Stuart Wellington

[34:33] America's apple farmers were lobbying hard that it be an apple pie.

Elliott Kalan

[34:38] Well, everyone was thinking about how with E.T.

[34:40] They should have used M&Ms, but instead it was Reese's Pieces for various reasons.

[34:44] So I imagine there was a big fight over, yeah, what kind of pie, you know, who's – what's still going to be the one that's iconic.

[34:49] Yep.

[34:50] If you use a meat pie, it kind of defeats the purpose.

[34:53] It's not a joke at that point.

Chris Weitz

[34:54] Well, there was a big pitch from Big Strawberry and Big Rhubarb that came in together.

[35:00] Yeah, yeah.

[35:01] A perfect pair.

Elliott Kalan

[35:03] And then the key lime people came in.

[35:06] They said, hey, what do we have to do to make this a key lime pie?

[35:10] We're just going to leave this briefcase of money and pies on the table.

Dan McCoy

[35:13] Sounds like such an acidic pie to try and have –

Stuart Wellington

[35:16] It took me a long time to figure out that like a key lime is a specific thing.

[35:22] Like it wasn't like –

[35:23] Yeah.

[35:24] That like it was a lime pie that was key.

[35:27] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[35:28] As a kid, I assumed the same thing, yeah.

[35:30] There was a certain kind of lime pie.

[35:32] That was a certain kind of lime.

[35:33] Well, that was –

Dan McCoy

[35:33] Yeah, back in the 70s, they had key lime pie.

[35:36] I mean, this works.

[35:38] Everyone brought a pie.

[35:39] Everyone would get the key in.

[35:40] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[35:41] If you ate –

[35:42] You had to put your key in a pie.

[35:44] Yeah.

[35:44] And then everyone would pull keys out of the pie and the key –

[35:46] And then you'd wash the keys because it was disgusting.

[35:49] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[35:49] And then Elijah Wood gets hit with a lightning bolt or something, right?

[35:53] That's what happens.

[35:54] Yeah.

[35:54] That's what happens.

[35:56] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[35:58] Exactly.

[35:59] I'm just telling you what I saw in the movies.

[36:01] And this is fruit on film.

[36:03] That's what we're talking about.

Elliott Kalan

[36:04] That's why for the rest of the movie, he has magnetic powers.

[36:08] He's like, Ernest goes to jail, right?

[36:11] That's the one where he gets –

[36:11] Ernest goes to jail.

[36:12] Yeah.

[36:13] But that's the one where he gets magnetic powers from electricity.

[36:15] Yeah.

[36:15] What a good movie.

[36:16] Not – as opposed to Ernest goes to American Pie, the one where Ernest has sex with the pie.

[36:20] He gets –

[36:21] I wouldn't put it past him.

[36:23] He keeps saying, feels like a vagina.

[36:24] You know what I mean, Vern?

[36:25] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[36:30] So that's been Fruit on Film.

[36:31] Any more favorite fruits in the movies?

Elliott Kalan

[36:35] I was going to – I wanted to give a shout out to the classic moment in Public Enemy.

[36:39] Thank you.

[36:39] Where James Cagney shoves a grapefruit into – I think it's May Clark's face.

[36:43] I could be wrong about that.

[36:44] And, you know, it was a very famous moment for a long time.

[36:47] And as a kid, I didn't – or as a kid.

[36:49] As a teenager when I saw that, I didn't realize because I don't like fruit how much that would hurt because it's, again, acidic.

[36:54] Quite acidic.

[36:54] It's an acidic fruit.

[36:55] It would have been really painful.

[36:57] Not as painful as the hot coffee to the face from The Big Heat, a different gangster movie from about 20 years later, but still really painful.

[37:05] So James Cagney, I don't like that you did that.

[37:08] I know it's a fictional character that did it, and the whole point was that he's a mean man, but still.

Chris Weitz

[37:12] I had a Fruit on Film thing, which was oranges.

[37:15] Yes, please.

[37:15] Oranges and the Godfather.

[37:18] Oh, yeah.

[37:18] There's a lot of oranges.

[37:19] A sign of impending doom or weakness.

[37:21] Yeah.

[37:22] And Elliot, that must have really freaked you out when Marlon Brando uses some orange rind and puts it over his teeth.

[37:29] It's disgusting.

Elliott Kalan

[37:30] When he puts it in his mouth, it then goes, urgh, and then he dies.

[37:33] And then he dies.

Elliott Kalan

[37:33] And it's like, if I was doing that, I'd be like, take me away now so I can get away from this orange peel.

[37:38] Kill me now.

[37:38] Sure.

[37:39] Yeah.

[37:39] I don't want to – God, this is the moment.

[37:42] But I always feel bad for that kid because he has to assume that he caused it to happen.

[37:46] Oh, man.

[37:46] So much therapy for that kid, right?

[37:48] He doesn't seem bothered at the time, though.

[37:50] You know, he's –

[37:52] So do you think it was more the kid was like, justice has been done, a notorious mobster is finally taken from us?

Chris Weitz

[37:59] He was – yeah, he was working for the FBI, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[38:02] But yeah, it is – that's such a great movie.

[38:05] That's such a great movie.

[38:05] And I just wish he didn't put that orange peel in his mouth because I think it's so gross.

[38:09] Everything else about that movie is nearly perfect.

Dan McCoy

[38:11] The one flaw.

[38:13] I think in terms of pure square footage, we got to mention that giant peach from James and the Giant Peach.

[38:20] A fruit you can live in.

[38:22] And fly around.

[38:23] Full of bugs.

[38:24] I'm combining it with call me by your name in my mind.

Elliott Kalan

[38:28] Well, if James was of a certain age, then that peach would have been filled with juice.

[38:33] But I think he's not quite old enough yet.

[38:35] I thought you were going to say, Dan, the tomatoes in Attack of the Killer tomatoes, those get pretty big after a certain point, right?

[38:43] Yeah.

[38:43] And that's technically a fruit?

[38:45] Yeah.

[38:46] Technically.

Dan McCoy

[38:46] Not as big, I think, as – I mean, you know what?

[38:49] I've never seen it.

[38:49] I can't speak to –

Elliott Kalan

[38:50] I mean, that giant peach is pretty giant.

[38:52] That's why they mentioned it in the title.

[38:54] So that people know going into it, they were like, we have to warn people how big this peach is or else they are going to be shocked.

[39:00] We don't want people having heart attacks in the theater when they realize how big the peach is.

[39:04] So we're changing the title from James and the Peach to James and the Giant Peach.

Stuart Wellington

[39:07] It'll be like people being scared that the train is coming through the screen at them.

[39:11] They're worried that the peach has actually reached that size.

Chris Weitz

[39:15] James and the Peach doesn't really move books off shelves though.

[39:18] No.

[39:18] Yeah, that's true.

[39:19] That's a good point.

Stuart Wellington

[39:20] James and the regular style peach.

[39:22] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[39:23] It's just like there's a guy named James out there being like, what?

[39:27] This is just my regular day.

[39:29] What do I need to read this book for?

[39:31] It just had a peach.

Elliott Kalan

[39:31] Well, that's the – I think Roald Dahl, he was like, James is what's going to sell the books.

[39:36] People are going to wonder who this James character is.

[39:38] Just listen to that name, James.

[39:39] Oh, another fruit on film I've got to mention when Nicolas Cage says he can eat a peach for hours.

[39:45] We don't see it happening.

[39:47] But the image of it is gross.

Stuart Wellington

[39:52] Oh, boy.

[39:54] Gross?

[39:55] It depends.

[39:56] Yeah, I mean –

[39:57] Dan, did you just say that you've never seen Attack of the Killer Tomatoes?

[40:00] I've never seen Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.

[40:01] Have you seen Return of the Attack of the Killer Tomatoes starring George Clooney?

[40:05] I've not seen –

[40:05] Dan's like, I did and I was so lost.

[40:08] Yeah.

[40:09] Yeah, it takes – yeah, you really got to understand the first film even though they do summarize it in the opening moments of Return of the Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.

Elliott Kalan

[40:16] I tell people all the time, if you're going to watch Return of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, you got to watch Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.

[40:20] You got to watch WandaVision.

[40:21] You got to watch some episodes of The Inhumans just to get some of that stuff there.

[40:24] Yeah, that's too much.

Chris Weitz

[40:25] But you got to watch The Two Tomatoes the second in the trilogy because, you know, like so you know which tomato is returning.

Stuart Wellington

[40:32] Yeah, yeah, E-Tomato Tambien.

[40:35] So, any more fruit on film, fellas?

Elliott Kalan

[40:40] Is that that movie about two teenage boys and a tomato go on a journey of sexual discovery?

Stuart Wellington

[40:45] Not unlike the plot of Return of the Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.

[40:50] Yeah.

[40:52] Okay.

[40:53] So, at this point, we got a little word from our sponsors and I'm going to throw it over to Dan.

Dan McCoy

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[42:26] I know that fathers are often the hardest to shop for.

[42:29] This seems like a good idea.

[42:32] And we're also sponsored by Lumi Labs.

[42:38] Microdosing.

[42:39] That's a thing that people are talking a lot about.

[42:42] We certainly are.

[42:43] Including me in this ad for Microdosing Lumi Labs.

[42:48] Now, you've probably heard about Microdosing.

[42:49] Was I microdosed?

Elliott Kalan

[42:50] Because that's kind of how I feel after the beginning of that read.

Dan McCoy

[42:54] You've probably heard about Microdosing.

[42:56] If you search around a bit on the internet, you'll find all sorts of people are microdosing to feel healthier and perform better.

[43:02] Our show today is sponsored by Microdose Gummies.

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[43:12] You don't want to impair yourself.

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[43:47] Links can be found in the show description.

[43:48] But again, that's Microdose.com, code FLOP.

Stuart Wellington

[43:53] Hey, we also have a J-J-J-Jumbotron.

[43:57] Chicago is a city built of brick, of course, but also of people, history, policy, fashion, and fire.

[44:06] On a brick of Chicago walking tour, you'll get up close with the buildings that define neighborhoods and hear the stories of the people, the famous, the infamous, and the anonymous who made them what they are.

[44:21] Afterwards, you'll never look at the built world or the humble brick the same way again.

[44:28] Brick of Chicago tours have been named some of Chicago's best by PBS, Curbed, and the Chicago Reader.

[44:36] So visit brickofchicago.com to sign up for a tour and follow at brickofchicago on Instagram.

[44:45] Having recently been to Chicago, it's a fantastic town and definitely worth checking out.

Elliott Kalan

[44:49] Yeah, Chicago is great.

[44:51] I like going there.

[44:51] Hey, guys.

[44:52] Should we announce our big Chicago project?

[44:55] What's that?

[44:56] Sure.

[44:56] We don't have one.

[44:57] What should it be?

[44:58] Oh.

[44:59] Oh, I don't know.

[45:00] We'll do a show there.

[45:01] Reunite the band Chicago?

[45:03] Yeah, maybe we'll do a show where we perform alongside Chicago, the band.

[45:07] Let's talk about it.

[45:07] I don't know how we would do that, but let's figure it out.

[45:09] Hey, in the meantime, I have a Jumbotron that I can read.

[45:11] Oh, okay.

[45:12] Okay.

[45:12] This is a jump message for Dylan Dawson, and the message is from Heather Robb.

[45:17] And it says, hey, Dylan, happy only slightly belated anniversary.

[45:21] Thanks for COVID marrying me and having a COVID child with me.

[45:25] I know this is very corny, and I'm sorry to embarrass you in front of your friends, Dan, Elliot, and Stuart, but you will always and forever be a movie I kind of love.

[45:32] Deal with it.

[45:33] What a sweet message.

Dan McCoy

[45:34] That's adorable.

[45:35] She married a movie.

[45:37] She married a movie.

[45:40] That's the name of my movie.

[45:42] So we married a movie?

[45:44] Yeah, yeah.

[45:45] So we bought a movie zoo.

[45:47] And then married it.

[45:49] All right.

[45:50] That was a perfect ending.

[45:52] To a perfect day.

S5

[45:57] You're in a theater.

[45:59] The lights go down.

[46:00] You're about to get swept up by the characters and all their little details and interpersonal dramas.

[46:05] You look at them and think, that person is so obviously in love with their best friend.

[46:09] Wait, am I in love with my best friend?

[46:11] That character's mom is so overbearing.

[46:13] Why doesn't she just stand up to her?

[46:14] Oh, God, do I need to stand up to my own mother?

[46:17] If you've ever recognized yourself in a movie, then join me, Jordan Kruciola, for the podcast Feeling Seen.

[46:23] We've talked to author Susan Orlean on realizing her own marriage was falling apart after watching Adaptation, an adaptation of her own work,

[46:30] and comedian Hari Kondabolu on why Harold and Kumar was a depressingly important movie for Southeast Asians.

[46:37] So join me every Thursday for the Feeling Seen podcast here on Maximum Fun.

S6

[46:42] Video games.

S7

[46:46] You like them?

S6

[46:47] Maybe you wish you had more time for them.

[46:49] Maybe you want to know the best ones to play.

[46:50] Maybe you want to know what happens to Mario when he dies.

S7

[46:53] In that case, you should check out Triple Click.

[46:55] It's a podcast about video games.

S6

[46:58] A podcast about video games?

[46:59] But I don't have time for that.

[47:01] Sure you do.

[47:02] Once a week, kick back as three video game experts give you everything from critical takes on the hottest new releases,

[47:07] to scoops, interviews, and explanations about how video games work,

S7

[47:10] to fascinating and sometimes weird stories about the games we love.

S6

[47:14] Triple Click is hosted by me, Kirk Hamilton.

[47:17] Me, Jason Schreier.

S7

[47:18] And me, Maddie Myers.

S6

[47:19] You can find Triple Click wherever you get your podcasts and listen at MaximumFun.org.

[47:24] Bye.

[47:25] And we're back.

Stuart Wellington

[47:28] Thanks so much.

[47:29] Thanks so much for supporting Fruit and Alts Forum, those sponsors.

[47:32] So we're going to move on to Chapter 4.

[47:36] We're going to be talking about reversal of fortune.

[47:39] You know, sometimes you're king of the world.

[47:41] Sometimes you're down in the dumps.

[47:46] There, there.

[47:47] Was there –

[47:47] No, I agree with that.

[47:48] Yeah, high times, hard times.

[47:50] When you were a child, Elliot, I'm assuming your parents forced you to eat fruit,

[47:54] and that is what led you to hate all fruit of all kinds.

Elliott Kalan

[47:57] It's possible.

[47:58] I mean, I'm sure I ate fruit as a baby.

[48:00] I don't really remember it well.

[48:02] I've blocked out a lot of the years before I turned about three and a half,

[48:05] I assume, because it was so traumatic to be eating that fruit.

[48:07] I just don't remember what it was like when I was like a six-month-old.

[48:10] I remember drinking a lot of apple juice and never really liking it.

[48:14] Do you like other kinds of juice?

[48:17] Bug juice?

[48:17] Is Coca-Cola a juice?

[48:19] Sure.

[48:21] I like whiskey.

[48:24] Is that a juice?

[48:25] Mm-hmm.

[48:25] Okay, that's fair then.

[48:27] But other than that, I think pretty early on my parents understood that this one,

[48:32] leave him alone because he is bad to the bone when it comes to fruit.

[48:36] Okay.

[48:36] Otherwise, a very conscientious young man.

Stuart Wellington

[48:38] So you have not changed at all.

[48:40] Now, when I was a kid, I was very –

Elliott Kalan

[48:43] If anything, I've probably gotten more intolerant.

Stuart Wellington

[48:45] Yeah.

[48:46] Actually, no, that's not true.

[48:47] That's not uncommon with people.

Elliott Kalan

[48:51] When I was young, I was real open-minded about fruit,

[48:53] but once I started watching Fox News, it really made it difficult for me.

[48:56] But I think – actually, I maybe have become more open-minded in that

[48:59] if I see that an item on a menu mentions some kind of fruit,

[49:03] I will check with my wife to see if she thinks that it's a major component.

[49:06] If it's just there to add acid or something like that, that's okay.

[49:10] Like, I don't like the taste of lemons, but I love cream spinach,

[49:13] and pretty much all cream spinach has lemon juice in it.

[49:15] I didn't know that.

[49:16] So I had to come to terms with that, and I did.

[49:17] Yeah.

[49:18] Wow.

[49:18] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[49:19] Wait, like lemon juice is an issue?

[49:22] I mean, I guess lemon juices can be super acidic.

[49:25] Now, so when you're watching –

Elliott Kalan

[49:26] I mean, I don't like drinking lemonade.

[49:27] I don't like citrus tastes.

Stuart Wellington

[49:29] When you're watching like an episode of Top Chef

[49:32] and anybody even mentions putting fruit in a dish,

[49:34] you're like, fuck that.

[49:35] You're out.

[49:36] I hope they vote you off.

Elliott Kalan

[49:39] I say maybe I want to make sure it's the judge's decision.

[49:42] It's why I do keep a bucket in front of me

[49:43] so I can vomit into it whenever they mention fruit.

[49:45] Yes.

[49:45] Because I am a regular Top Chef viewer.

[49:47] But there are a lot of times when they're like,

[49:48] I made a – it's a chicken thigh with lard on,

[49:53] and I'm like, oh, that sounds great.

[49:54] And there's a pomegranate sauce, and I'll just go, forget it.

[49:57] Not interested anymore.

[49:59] Change the channel.

[50:00] Mute.

[50:02] Cancel the show.

Chris Weitz

[50:04] Cancel cable subscription.

[50:06] Burn that house.

[50:07] I pick up the TV.

Elliott Kalan

[50:07] I throw it out the window.

[50:09] Yeah, I burn the house down.

[50:10] I change my name.

[50:12] Oh, awesome.

[50:13] Ride the rails.

[50:14] Yeah, I start Jack Reachering around the country

[50:16] with nothing to my name but the clothes on my back

[50:18] and one pair of underpants.

[50:19] You would make the perfect Jack Reacher.

Stuart Wellington

[50:25] For me, when I was a kid, I hated oranges and orange juice.

[50:31] I think part of it was the acid.

[50:32] Part of it was like the pulp and orange juice.

[50:35] And at some point, I made up that I was –

[50:39] I would tell people that I was allergic to oranges

[50:42] to the point that like years later,

[50:45] my mom thought I was allergic to oranges

[50:48] because I just kept saying it.

[50:50] But I eat oranges plenty now.

[50:52] I have one almost every day.

Elliott Kalan

[50:54] I think it was Goebbels who said,

[50:56] if you repeat a lie long enough, it becomes the truth.

[50:58] So that's what you did.

[50:58] I learned from the best.

[51:02] I'm going to –

Chris Weitz

[51:04] I love the look on Stuart's face as he realizes.

[51:08] I didn't even like making that joke.

[51:10] Manufacturer of Goebbels baby formula.

Dan McCoy

[51:14] I will say that I've grown fond of two fruits.

[51:20] One that is not actually a fruit,

[51:23] but people think of it as a fruit,

[51:24] and one that is a fruit,

[51:26] but people don't think of it as a fruit.

[51:28] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[51:28] I feel like it's a riddle

[51:30] that I have to answer to cross a bridge somewhere.

Dan McCoy

[51:33] My mom always loved strawberries,

[51:36] which are technically not fruits

[51:37] because they're the seeds on the outside.

[51:38] Because they're made out of straw.

Elliott Kalan

[51:40] But it's all those things also where it's like,

[51:42] who made that rule?

[51:43] Nature didn't make that rule.

Chris Weitz

[51:45] Does that mean that –

[51:46] so what are they, vegetables?

[51:49] They're freaks.

[51:49] What the hell are they?

[51:50] Strawberries are just freaks, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[51:53] It's like if a chicken was inside out.

[51:55] That's what a strawberry is like.

Stuart Wellington

[51:56] If they have their seeds on the outside,

[51:58] then they're basically like fish, right?

[52:00] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[52:01] Yeah, it's a fish.

[52:02] They're classified as a land fish.

[52:05] It's not like I didn't like strawberries as a kid,

[52:07] but my mom would be like,

[52:08] mmm, strawberry.

[52:09] Like it was the best treat in the world.

[52:11] And now that I'm an adult

[52:12] and I have to like, you know,

[52:14] make reasonable choices with my life,

[52:17] I much more understand how a minor thing

[52:21] can feel like the best treat in the world.

[52:23] Sure, yeah.

[52:24] Just a little bit of joy

Elliott Kalan

[52:25] in this horrible veil of tears

[52:27] that we exist in.

[52:27] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[52:28] But also, the other one is avocado,

[52:32] which when I was a kid,

[52:34] did nothing for me.

[52:35] And then along the line,

[52:36] I realized, I'm like,

[52:37] oh, this is like the plant world's like butter

[52:39] is basically what it is.

[52:41] I stopped thinking of it

[52:42] as like a vegetable or fruit

[52:45] and started thinking of it as like,

[52:47] this is a source of fat

[52:48] that gets put on things.

Elliott Kalan

[52:49] It's the first plant that saw the light

[52:51] and was like,

[52:51] I want to be like meat.

[52:53] Meat's where it is.

[52:53] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[52:54] Now, it's interesting you mentioned strawberries.

[52:56] I have a childhood,

[52:56] I have a lot of childhood memories

[52:57] about strawberries

[52:58] because my family thought it was so much fun

[53:00] to go strawberry picking in New Jersey.

[53:01] There's a lot of strawberry patches.

[53:03] They thought it was so much fun

[53:04] to go strawberry picking

[53:05] and they would not let me bring a book with me.

[53:07] So I would just stand there

[53:09] watching my family pick strawberries,

[53:11] hating every moment of it

[53:12] as I sweated in the sun.

[53:14] And then they would be like,

[53:15] isn't this fun?

[53:15] And I would say, no.

[53:19] It's very boring.

[53:23] And there's a place near LA

[53:26] called Underwood Farms

[53:29] where you go and you pick fruit and stuff.

[53:31] And my kids always want to go there.

[53:33] And my wife is like,

[53:35] yeah, we can go there.

[53:35] And she turns to me and she goes,

[53:36] I know this is triggering for you.

[53:39] That's so funny that she says that.

Chris Weitz

[53:41] This is like an M. Night Shyamalan origin story

[53:45] of somebody, a supervillain.

[53:49] Who hates fruit.

Stuart Wellington

[53:52] They call me Mr. Strawberry.

[53:59] Okay.

[54:00] So, man, Chris,

[54:02] do you have anything that you like now

[54:04] that you hated as a kid or otherwise?

[54:06] Well, first of all,

Chris Weitz

[54:06] all these edge scenarios

[54:09] of like avocados, cucumbers, strawberries,

[54:12] are they vegetables?

[54:13] Are they fruits?

[54:15] It's freaking me out a little.

[54:16] Yeah.

[54:17] Yeah, I'm sorry.

[54:18] I'm a bit turned around,

[54:19] but mangoes.

[54:21] Sorry that we've been living

[54:23] in that liminal zone

[54:24] of where we're not sure

[54:25] if things are fruits or vegetables.

[54:26] It's weird.

[54:27] But mangoes,

[54:29] I feel like I would have liked mangoes

[54:30] if I'd known about them as a kid.

[54:32] But I feel like mangoes

[54:33] have really come to occupy

[54:35] a pretty big role in my life now.

Stuart Wellington

[54:39] They're a little fibrous,

[54:40] but I feel like with mangoes,

[54:41] it's really important for me

[54:42] to get like a really good ripe one.

[54:44] Good ripe one.

[54:45] Like an unripe mango is a bummer.

Chris Weitz

[54:47] An unripe mango is a bummer.

[54:51] But also if you get like this,

[54:52] the sort of Southeast Asian mangoes

[54:55] or the South Asian mangoes,

[54:56] like the smaller ones,

[54:58] man, you're not looking at fiber.

[55:00] There's custardy.

[55:02] Okay.

[55:03] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[55:04] It's good to know.

[55:04] Chris, you're a well-traveled person.

Chris Weitz

[55:06] Have you ever had durian?

[55:07] I've never had durian.

[55:09] I have read about it.

[55:11] I have smelled it from a distance.

[55:13] The stinkiest fruit in the world?

[55:13] Yes.

[55:13] Which is supposed to be like

[55:14] eating custard in a bathroom.

Elliott Kalan

[55:17] Yeah.

[55:18] It's a big topic conversation in my house.

[55:21] Every now and then,

[55:22] my younger son will become obsessed

[55:23] with the idea of eating

[55:24] some specific fruit.

[55:26] For a while,

[55:27] he was demanding lychees.

[55:29] And we didn't have any in the house

[55:30] and he would throw tantrums.

[55:32] And then eventually,

[55:32] luckily,

[55:33] I was able to go to a Vietnamese wedding

[55:34] and went to a Vietnamese market

[55:37] in California afterwards

[55:39] and in the neighborhood

[55:40] and could bring him lychey

[55:41] and he had one and he said,

[55:42] hmm, I like it.

[55:42] And then he never talked about it ever again.

[55:44] But durian is a constant question with him

[55:47] and he talks about it all the time

[55:48] and he always says,

[55:49] I want to try it,

[55:49] but not smell it.

[55:51] And he thinks that's very funny.

[55:52] That's pretty funny.

[55:52] But I was wondering if it actually,

[55:54] if it smells as bad as it's supposed to.

[55:55] I've had it.

[55:57] I mean.

Dan McCoy

[55:58] Yeah, but I was asking Chris.

[55:59] What?

[56:00] But so Dan,

[56:01] what was your experience with it?

[56:03] Maybe ask someone

[56:04] whose wife is from the Philippines.

[56:08] That's a good point.

[56:09] Fair enough.

Elliott Kalan

[56:10] Okay, I'm just trying not to,

[56:11] I'm not trying not to stereotype

[56:12] or, you know,

[56:14] profiling me.

Dan McCoy

[56:15] I had it at her family's place.

[56:18] It's, I mean,

[56:19] I would say that

[56:21] Audrey told me the one that we had

[56:23] was not a particularly good specimen of it.

[56:26] It does taste a little funkier,

[56:31] like people describe it,

[56:33] you know,

[56:33] being more like cheese adjacent,

[56:36] custard adjacent,

[56:37] like you said.

[56:39] I was not wild about it.

[56:41] It was,

[56:41] it does,

[56:42] it does taste better than it smells.

[56:43] Like she talks about,

[56:45] you know,

[56:45] like if you cut it up,

[56:46] like people would do,

[56:48] definitely do it outside

[56:49] or like they,

[56:50] you know,

[56:50] in the Philippines,

[56:51] there's often,

[56:52] like they have like an outdoor kitchen area

[56:54] that,

[56:54] that definitely would happen

Elliott Kalan

[56:56] rather than indoors.

[56:58] Do you hold your nose

[56:59] while you eat it

[57:00] or are you just,

[57:01] like that bird you eat whole

[57:03] and cover your face

[57:04] while you eat it?

[57:05] It's not,

[57:05] out of shame

[57:06] so God doesn't see you eating it?

Dan McCoy

[57:07] The smell is,

[57:09] the smell is kind of like,

[57:11] let's say,

[57:13] a middle school locker room

[57:14] level of smell.

[57:16] Like it's definitely a bad smell,

[57:17] but it's not like

[57:18] you're like,

[57:19] your stomach is being turned

[57:21] by like rotten garbage.

[57:22] Yeah,

[57:23] like,

Elliott Kalan

[57:23] is it like Limburger cheese?

Dan McCoy

[57:25] Yeah,

[57:26] it's more along that zone,

Elliott Kalan

[57:28] I would say.

[57:29] Because I always,

[57:29] I always imagined

[57:30] that it smelled like,

[57:30] like a rotting thing,

[57:32] like something really disgusting.

Dan McCoy

[57:33] I would,

[57:34] no,

[57:34] I wouldn't say that.

[57:35] Oh.

Stuart Wellington

[57:35] Okay,

[57:36] well,

[57:36] hey listeners,

[57:37] if you have,

[57:37] this is Durian talk.

Dan McCoy

[57:39] If you also have Durian opinions,

Elliott Kalan

[57:41] write in.

[57:43] This is Durian Dan,

[57:44] the Durian man,

[57:45] getting his full,

Dan McCoy

[57:46] unbiased opinions on Durian.

[57:49] Listen to my spinoff podcast,

Elliott Kalan

[57:52] Durian dancing.

Stuart Wellington

[57:55] Nobody puts Durian in a corner

[57:56] when Dan's around.

[57:58] Yeah,

[57:59] you need room for the airflow.

[58:01] Okay,

[58:02] so,

[58:02] that of course means

[58:04] this brings us to chapter five.

[58:06] That is right.

[58:07] I forgot there were five chapters.

[58:08] This is the all time

[58:09] top five favorite fruits.

[58:13] That's five.

[58:15] I'm going to be keeping a tally

[58:16] and we're going to see

[58:17] what is the,

[58:18] which fruits get the most votes.

[58:22] Elliot,

[58:22] I feel like yours

[58:23] is going to be pretty short.

[58:26] Yeah,

[58:26] I don't think I can fill out the five.

[58:28] Okay,

[58:28] so Elliot,

[58:29] why don't we get these top five?

[58:31] Sure,

[58:31] let's put cucumbers and tomatoes.

[58:33] Let me clarify.

[58:34] Again,

[58:34] this is based on

[58:35] the categories.

[58:37] Mouthfeel,

[58:38] flavor,

[58:39] ease of consumption,

[58:40] appearance,

[58:41] et cetera.

[58:42] You're not rating them

[58:43] on those scales,

[58:44] but those are things

[58:44] to keep in mind

[58:45] when voting.

Elliott Kalan

[58:46] Yeah,

[58:46] so I'm going to start

[58:47] with cucumbers and tomatoes.

[58:48] They're as close

[58:49] as you can get

[58:50] to not being a fruit

[58:51] and still be a fruit.

[58:53] I'm going to put

[58:53] snozzberries on there

[58:55] from Willy Wonka

[58:55] because it's not real,

[58:56] so I never have to eat it

[58:58] or smell it

[58:58] or handle it.

[58:59] It's not a real fruit.

[59:02] Yeah,

[59:02] and then I think

[59:03] I'm tapped out.

[59:03] So I've got two extra slots

[59:05] if anyone else wants to use them.

[59:06] One, two, three.

[59:07] Okay, wow.

[59:08] Okay, cucumbers are number three.

[59:09] Interesting.

[59:10] Okay.

[59:10] No, no, cucumbers

[59:11] would be number one for me.

[59:12] Okay.

[59:13] Snozzberries are number three.

[59:14] I wasn't counting down.

[59:15] I wasn't counting.

[59:15] I should have, but.

[59:16] Cool.

Dan McCoy

[59:17] Sorry, we got cucumbers,

[59:18] snozzberries.

[59:18] What was the third one?

[59:19] I'm sorry.

[59:19] I was busy writing my own letters.

[59:21] Tomatoes.

Elliott Kalan

[59:22] I'm going to put

[59:23] are pumpkins a fruit

[59:24] or are they a gourd?

[59:26] They have seeds on the inside.

[59:28] I believe they're a vegetable.

[59:29] I don't know what the.

[59:30] If it's a fruit,

[59:31] I'm going to say pumpkins not to eat

[59:33] because you can carve them up

[59:34] and make a spooky face.

[59:35] Put a candle in there.

[59:37] Now, if I could do that

[59:38] with more fruits.

[59:39] Pumpkins not to eat.

[59:40] Okay.

[59:40] If I could carve a spooky face

[59:42] onto more fruit,

[59:43] maybe I'd like it more.

Stuart Wellington

[59:44] Now, I'm going to call you out

[59:45] on your bullshit this time, Elliot,

[59:47] because you said that

[59:48] you would like more fruit

[59:49] to be used for spooky faces,

[59:51] but in The Godfather,

[59:52] you think that's terrible.

Elliott Kalan

[59:53] Well, yeah, okay.

[59:55] Not oranges.

[59:55] Oranges are gross.

[59:56] There's nothing.

[59:57] There's a few things

[59:58] that are more personally gross

[1:00:00] to me than being

[1:00:01] in like a work meeting

[1:00:02] and someone decides

[1:00:03] to eat an orange.

[1:00:04] The smell, I don't like at all.

[1:00:05] And then just seeing them

[1:00:06] put a pile of gross peel

[1:00:09] with little stringy things

[1:00:10] falling off of it

[1:00:11] onto like the table

[1:00:13] that we're all sitting at

[1:00:14] for the meeting,

[1:00:14] it's just gross.

[1:00:15] So you know what?

[1:00:16] You're right.

[1:00:17] You caught me in a contradiction there

[1:00:19] and I totally own up to it

[1:00:20] and I hope the voters

[1:00:21] can see past it

[1:00:22] when the election time

[1:00:24] comes around in November.

[1:00:25] But you're right.

[1:00:26] I did not like the spooky face

[1:00:27] that he used

[1:00:28] that orange peel for.

[1:00:29] We're going to do

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:30] a quick side category, guys.

[1:00:32] What is the snack food

[1:00:34] you least like people

[1:00:36] to enjoy in your presence?

[1:00:39] Yeah, for me, it's oranges.

[1:00:41] I'm going to follow Elliot up

[1:00:42] because I have one

[1:00:43] right on the tip of my dome.

[1:00:44] That's right.

[1:00:45] Does original recipe Cheerios.

[1:00:47] No thank you.

[1:00:47] Makes their breath smell.

[1:00:48] Just smells bad.

[1:00:49] Not a fan.

[1:00:50] That's true.

[1:00:50] It does smell.

[1:00:51] Kids like it.

[1:00:51] Get out of here.

[1:00:52] I don't need kids around me.

[1:00:54] Does gum count as a snack?

Dan McCoy

[1:00:56] Yes.

[1:00:56] I don't like the loud

[1:00:58] chewing of gum around me.

[1:00:59] Interesting.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:00] Is gum a snack?

[1:01:00] It's more of an activity

[1:01:01] for your mouth.

[1:01:02] Yeah.

[1:01:03] It's exercise.

[1:01:04] You're not eating it.

[1:01:05] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:06] Okay.

[1:01:06] Well, then my least favorite

[1:01:07] snack food is anything

[1:01:08] that sounds like

[1:01:09] someone's chewing gum.

[1:01:11] Sure.

[1:01:11] Okay.

Chris Weitz

[1:01:13] I think for me,

[1:01:14] it's nachos.

[1:01:17] No, no.

[1:01:18] Doritos, right?

[1:01:19] But with the powdery stuff

[1:01:20] that comes off on their fingers.

[1:01:22] Oh, yeah.

[1:01:23] It's not cool.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:23] Powdery Doritos.

[1:01:24] Does that also include

[1:01:25] like cheese doodles?

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:28] But those are good.

[1:01:30] I can understand that more readily.

[1:01:32] Wow.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:32] I never,

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:33] this is a big disagreement

[1:01:34] between you and me

[1:01:35] on the goodness of Doritos.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:37] Okay.

[1:01:37] So,

[1:01:38] I think it's Dan's turn.

[1:01:40] Why don't you give us

[1:01:40] your top five fruits?

[1:01:41] Do you want to go

[1:01:42] starting with five

[1:01:43] or start with one, Dan?

[1:01:46] What?

[1:01:47] Wait.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:48] Well, do you want to be,

[1:01:49] I'm going to do a countdown

[1:01:50] to build up the excitement

Chris Weitz

[1:01:52] about what the number one.

[1:01:54] Wait, I'm giving all of them

Dan McCoy

[1:01:55] at the same time though

[1:01:56] like Elliot did.

[1:01:56] Yeah.

[1:01:58] Okay.

[1:01:59] I'm going to start with one.

[1:02:02] I'm going to start

[1:02:03] and I'm also going to specify

[1:02:06] that this is just,

[1:02:08] my ranking is top five fruits

[1:02:10] of fruits that I would eat

[1:02:12] on their own.

[1:02:14] Like in a,

[1:02:15] in a culinary sense,

[1:02:19] like I probably use

[1:02:20] limes the most often,

[1:02:22] but,

[1:02:23] but you know,

[1:02:24] I'm not going to eat

[1:02:25] a lime on its own.

[1:02:27] Yeah.

[1:02:27] That's like if people are like,

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:28] what are your favorite foods?

[1:02:29] And you're like,

[1:02:29] salt.

[1:02:30] I use it all the time.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:31] Although I do love the idea

[1:02:33] of somebody just chomping down

[1:02:35] on a fucking lime.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:36] That's something little kids

[1:02:38] love to do.

[1:02:38] Little kids love eating limes.

[1:02:40] Bonkers.

[1:02:40] Limes are so expensive

[1:02:42] right now.

[1:02:46] The kids don't know that.

[1:02:47] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:48] Be glad that you don't eat

[1:02:49] limes for your health.

[1:02:53] Okay.

[1:02:54] Top,

[1:02:54] top one.

[1:02:55] I have mango here.

[1:02:57] Oh,

[1:02:57] that's a good one.

[1:02:58] Yeah.

[1:02:59] Yeah.

[1:02:59] I think I follow it up

[1:03:02] with pineapple.

[1:03:04] You get some fresh pineapple.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:06] You can spiral it.

[1:03:07] Pretty fun.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:09] We're moving into

[1:03:10] my berry section here.

[1:03:15] I put,

[1:03:16] I,

[1:03:17] you know,

[1:03:17] I put strawberry up,

[1:03:19] edging out the next one

[1:03:21] on my list,

[1:03:21] which is raspberry.

[1:03:22] Those are very close.

[1:03:23] Wow.

[1:03:25] And then in,

[1:03:26] Did you,

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:26] did you dock raspberry

[1:03:27] because it's spelled

[1:03:28] raspberry,

[1:03:29] which is weird?

[1:03:29] that's could be.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:30] I think,

[1:03:31] you know what,

[1:03:32] I,

[1:03:32] I think I probably like

[1:03:33] the flavor of a,

[1:03:34] a really good raspberry

[1:03:35] better than a strawberry,

[1:03:37] but you get,

[1:03:37] you know,

[1:03:38] it's hard.

[1:03:39] They,

[1:03:39] they rot quicker.

[1:03:41] They're smaller.

[1:03:42] They're less,

[1:03:42] you get less,

[1:03:43] you know,

[1:03:44] there's,

[1:03:44] there's disadvantages

[1:03:45] to a raspberry.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:46] I will say when,

[1:03:47] when we get,

[1:03:47] we,

[1:03:47] we get a lot of fruit

[1:03:48] in the house for,

[1:03:49] for the children

[1:03:49] and the raspberries,

[1:03:51] yeah,

[1:03:51] they have to eat them fast

[1:03:52] or they just become,

[1:03:52] just like liquid muck.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:55] And,

[1:03:55] number five,

[1:03:57] we got a dark horse

[1:03:58] in here.

[1:04:00] No,

[1:04:00] a horse is not a fruit,

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:01] Dan.

[1:04:01] A kiwi fruit.

[1:04:03] Oh.

[1:04:03] Kiwi.

[1:04:03] Oh,

[1:04:04] kiwi.

[1:04:06] Okay,

[1:04:06] Dan,

[1:04:07] that's an impressive

[1:04:07] top five.

[1:04:09] Chris,

[1:04:09] you're our guest.

[1:04:10] You're the fruit brood

[1:04:11] in this case.

[1:04:12] Let's,

[1:04:12] let's get your top five fruits.

Chris Weitz

[1:04:16] Mango also,

[1:04:17] this is a reverse order,

[1:04:18] by the way,

[1:04:18] reverse order to build up

[1:04:20] tension and excitement.

[1:04:21] Okay,

[1:04:21] number five is Mango.

[1:04:23] Number five,

[1:04:23] Mango.

[1:04:26] Because they're great.

[1:04:28] Number,

[1:04:28] wait,

[1:04:28] I wrote them down.

[1:04:29] That was Dan's number one,

[1:04:30] I believe.

[1:04:32] No,

[1:04:32] oh wait,

[1:04:33] no,

[1:04:33] sorry.

[1:04:33] Actually,

[1:04:34] Mango is my,

[1:04:35] Mango is my runner up.

[1:04:36] But forget I said that,

[1:04:37] okay?

[1:04:38] Okay,

[1:04:38] okay,

[1:04:39] we'll forget.

[1:04:40] So Mango didn't make it

[1:04:41] on the list?

[1:04:41] No,

[1:04:42] it did,

[1:04:42] it did.

[1:04:42] It's this higher rank

[1:04:43] than I thought.

[1:04:45] Oh,

[1:04:45] I see,

[1:04:45] I see.

[1:04:46] Number five,

[1:04:46] blueberries.

[1:04:48] Number four.

[1:04:49] Lubes.

[1:04:50] Number four,

[1:04:50] figs.

[1:04:52] Wow.

[1:04:53] Number three,

[1:04:54] watermelon.

[1:04:57] Watermelon,

[1:04:57] perfect.

[1:04:58] Another favorite

[1:04:59] in the Kaelin household.

[1:05:00] Number,

[1:05:01] number two,

[1:05:03] number two,

[1:05:04] Mango.

[1:05:05] The aforementioned Mango,

[1:05:06] moving up with a bullet.

[1:05:08] Number one,

[1:05:10] check this out.

[1:05:11] Have you ever had a sapote?

[1:05:13] No.

[1:05:15] What's this?

[1:05:16] I think that's indigenous

[1:05:17] to Mexico,

[1:05:18] but my grandma

[1:05:18] had a sapote tree

[1:05:19] in her backyard,

[1:05:20] and that is very custardy

[1:05:23] and delicious.

[1:05:24] Imagine what you'd imagine

[1:05:26] a durian would taste like,

[1:05:27] but without a bad smell,

[1:05:28] with a good smell.

[1:05:29] Oh.

[1:05:29] That's a sapote.

[1:05:32] Look it up.

[1:05:33] I'm looking at a picture.

[1:05:34] Okay.

[1:05:35] Yeah.

[1:05:35] I realized I have some extra.

[1:05:36] Looks kind of like a persimmon.

[1:05:38] It does.

[1:05:39] Yeah,

[1:05:39] actually,

[1:05:40] I think it could,

[1:05:40] it might be a cousin

[1:05:41] of a persimmon.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:42] What does a persimmon taste like?

[1:05:44] Because I've only experienced persimmons

[1:05:46] in the video game Sekiro,

[1:05:48] which doesn't allow me

[1:05:49] to actually taste them.

[1:05:50] Mmm.

[1:05:52] Not yet.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:53] Well,

[1:05:53] it's kind of like

[1:05:53] if you mixed a purse

[1:05:55] with Bill Simmons.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:56] Interesting.

[1:05:57] Okay,

[1:05:57] sounds successful.

Chris Weitz

[1:05:59] I'd say it tastes

[1:05:59] a bit papaya-y,

[1:06:01] but sometimes

[1:06:02] there's a weird

[1:06:03] kind of

[1:06:04] acidic,

[1:06:08] not acidic,

[1:06:08] sort of bitter taste to it,

[1:06:10] if you don't get one

[1:06:11] that's just right.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:12] If you cut it open,

[1:06:13] it definitely looks

[1:06:14] very papaya-y.

[1:06:16] I don't,

[1:06:16] I have no idea

[1:06:17] what it's

[1:06:18] related to.

[1:06:21] You've just heard of it.

[1:06:22] Yeah.

[1:06:24] Sorry,

[1:06:24] sorry that my

[1:06:25] vast research

[1:06:26] couldn't give us

[1:06:26] all of the

[1:06:27] information on this fruit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:29] Can I add something

[1:06:29] to my fruit list?

[1:06:31] I think I still have

[1:06:31] two slots.

[1:06:32] Yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:32] you got two slots.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:33] You have one slot

[1:06:34] because you added pumpkins

[1:06:35] that you can turn

[1:06:35] into a death mask.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:37] For the last slot,

[1:06:38] I'm going to say

[1:06:39] the guys in the fruit costumes

[1:06:41] in the old

[1:06:41] Fruit of the Loom commercials.

[1:06:43] I remember as a kid

[1:06:44] thinking that was pretty funny.

[1:06:45] Okay,

[1:06:46] fruit.

[1:06:47] So it's not to eat,

[1:06:48] but to watch in a commercial.

Chris Weitz

[1:06:49] They kind of cast

[1:06:49] them as sort of

[1:06:50] schlubby guys,

[1:06:51] as I recall.

[1:06:52] They were sort of like,

[1:06:53] you know,

[1:06:54] ordinary Joes

[1:06:55] as fruits.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:56] You could imagine

[1:06:57] them wearing the product.

[1:06:58] They're not some

[1:06:59] handsome male model

[1:07:00] who's going to have

[1:07:00] fancy underpants.

[1:07:01] These are guys

[1:07:01] who are going to wear

[1:07:02] Fruit of the Loom underpants.

[1:07:03] Right.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:04] Okay.

[1:07:06] I'm going to say

[1:07:07] my list is going to be

[1:07:07] kind of boring, guys,

[1:07:08] because I've already seen

[1:07:09] some of these listed.

[1:07:10] Number five is going to be

[1:07:11] mangoes.

[1:07:12] I love them.

[1:07:13] When you find a good one,

[1:07:14] it is great,

[1:07:14] but I don't always have luck

[1:07:16] finding good ones.

[1:07:18] Yeah.

[1:07:19] Next one is going to be

[1:07:21] bananas.

[1:07:22] I love bananas.

[1:07:24] I eat a ton.

[1:07:26] They're great.

[1:07:27] I like them a little mushy.

[1:07:29] I like them a little

[1:07:29] not mushy.

[1:07:30] Perfect.

[1:07:31] And it comes with

[1:07:32] its own wrapper.

[1:07:35] Yep.

[1:07:36] Thanks,

[1:07:37] Kirk Cameron.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:39] Do you remember

[1:07:40] there was that video

[1:07:41] going around,

[1:07:42] yeah,

[1:07:42] where he's talking about

[1:07:42] how a banana is designed

[1:07:44] by God for you to eat it,

[1:07:45] and the guy he's with

[1:07:46] is like,

[1:07:46] when you hold a banana,

Dan McCoy

[1:07:47] it curves towards your mouth

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:49] like it's telling you

[1:07:50] to eat it.

[1:07:51] Like a phone.

[1:07:51] It's like,

[1:07:51] well,

[1:07:51] not if you hold it

[1:07:52] the other way,

[1:07:53] though.

[1:07:54] If you hold it the other way,

[1:07:55] it's like God's saying,

[1:07:56] don't eat this.

[1:07:56] I'm keeping it away

[1:07:57] from your mouth.

[1:07:58] It's just such a funny argument.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:00] Number three is

[1:08:01] honeydew melon.

[1:08:04] I love that shit.

[1:08:05] Yeah,

[1:08:06] that's a good one.

[1:08:07] It's a great melon.

[1:08:08] That's a good one.

[1:08:09] Number two,

[1:08:11] pears.

[1:08:13] We haven't talked about

[1:08:14] pears at all

[1:08:15] this entire time.

[1:08:16] I fucking love pears.

[1:08:18] It's like the right

[1:08:18] consistency for me.

[1:08:20] The flavor profile

[1:08:22] is a little more mellow

[1:08:23] than like an apple.

[1:08:24] It's not as sharp.

[1:08:25] Big fan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:26] And I like,

[1:08:27] Stuart,

[1:08:27] the little play on words

[1:08:28] you did there

[1:08:29] by making pears.

[1:08:30] Number two.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:31] Nice.

[1:08:31] Yep,

[1:08:31] that was intentional.

[1:08:32] Thank you for picking that up,

[1:08:33] Elliot.

[1:08:34] And then number one,

[1:08:35] it's already been mentioned,

[1:08:36] but I love watermelon.

[1:08:37] I can't get enough.

[1:08:39] Eat in chunks.

[1:08:40] We currently,

[1:08:41] at Hinterlands,

[1:08:42] we just got a frozen drink machine.

[1:08:45] And it's one of those like big multi,

[1:08:47] like two hopper machines.

[1:08:49] It's just constantly rotating

[1:08:50] the slushy frozen cocktails.

[1:08:53] One of them is a strawberry frozen margarita.

[1:08:56] It's great.

[1:08:56] But we put on a fresh watermelon frosé

[1:08:59] that is actual like smashed up actual watermelon.

[1:09:03] And it's delicious.

[1:09:04] And so I spent the whole weekend

[1:09:06] chopping watermelons.

[1:09:07] And you know what?

[1:09:08] For a lesser man and a lesser fruit,

[1:09:10] I would hate watermelons,

[1:09:11] but I love it.

[1:09:14] I'm glad that you made it clear

[1:09:15] that you're not a lesser man.

[1:09:16] Feels like Heather to me.

[1:09:17] So I wrote all this down,

[1:09:19] but I don't actually like doing math

[1:09:21] and I've had too many drinks.

[1:09:22] So listeners at home,

[1:09:23] why don't you do the math yourself

[1:09:24] and figure out what's the top fruit?

[1:09:26] Yeah,

[1:09:26] that's a bit of interactive fun.

[1:09:29] Have a little bit of fun.

[1:09:30] It's that second screen experience

Chris Weitz

[1:09:32] that people have been looking for.

[1:09:33] It's like the play at home version

[1:09:35] of the game show.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:37] Go back and take notes

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:40] because we didn't tell you.

[1:09:41] We're feeling tension.

[1:09:42] And then after you're done taking notes,

[1:09:44] why don't you come up with your own top five

[1:09:46] and tweet at Elliot Kalin

[1:09:49] and let him know what your favorite fruits are.

[1:09:53] And then Elliot,

[1:09:54] if you come up with a good list,

[1:09:56] Elliot might even respond

[1:09:57] and tell you why your list is so great

[1:10:00] and maybe write you a little poem.

[1:10:01] And he'll take the...

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:02] I don't know none of that.

[1:10:04] If you,

[1:10:05] so tweet at me

[1:10:06] at Elliot Kalin,

[1:10:07] E-L-L-I-O-T-T-K-A-L-I-N

[1:10:08] with your fruit list

[1:10:09] and I promise

[1:10:10] I will tell you to stop.

Chris Weitz

[1:10:12] But you were going to do

[1:10:13] the fruit challenge for charity, right?

[1:10:15] Where you eat the top five fruits.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:19] Yeah, you're going to eat

[1:10:19] the top five fruits.

[1:10:21] What?

[1:10:21] This is literally,

[1:10:23] if I ever thought,

[1:10:24] I don't have the talent to,

[1:10:26] I don't have the talent to be an actor,

[1:10:27] but sometimes I'm like,

[1:10:28] but if I was,

[1:10:29] I might have to eat fruit in a scene.

[1:10:31] I don't want to do that.

[1:10:32] Like this.

[1:10:33] How do I get out of that?

[1:10:34] That's the only thing

[1:10:34] that's been keeping,

Dan McCoy

[1:10:35] keeping you from stardom.

[1:10:38] Yeah.

[1:10:38] The whole time.

[1:10:41] Yeah, that's great.

[1:10:41] It's like you'd be a great hockey goalie.

[1:10:45] Right.

[1:10:45] Except for all the diarrhea.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:47] It'll be unfair to the other teams too.

[1:10:49] It was partly the diarrhea

[1:10:50] and partly it'll be unfair

[1:10:51] to the other teams

[1:10:52] for me to bring that kind of power in.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:54] Guys, we've had a lot of fun tonight.

[1:10:56] We've talked about a lot of fruit.

[1:10:57] We've talked about a lot of fun tonight.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:01] We've Wang Chung tonight.

[1:11:03] Yeah, everybody had fun tonight.

[1:11:04] Whether or not,

[1:11:05] listeners write in

[1:11:06] and let us know

[1:11:06] whether we achieved Wang Chung tonight.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:11] Any closing thoughts?

[1:11:12] So wait, in that song,

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:13] Wang Chung was just the name of the band, right?

[1:11:16] Yes.

[1:11:16] It wasn't a dance.

[1:11:17] That's the band's name.

[1:11:18] So when they say

[1:11:18] everybody Wang Chung tonight,

[1:11:20] what does that sentence mean?

Dan McCoy

[1:11:21] They're inviting us all

[1:11:22] to be part of their band.

[1:11:24] Oh, well, I like that.

[1:11:25] That's inclusive.

[1:11:25] Did you get your class action suit

[1:11:27] settlement for the money

[1:11:28] from that song?

[1:11:30] Yeah.

[1:11:31] You're entitled to residuals.

Chris Weitz

[1:11:39] Did that song get 20 cents?

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:43] Did that song come out

[1:11:44] before they did the score

[1:11:46] for To Live and Die in LA?

[1:11:48] I have to assume so.

[1:11:49] So do you think

[1:11:50] that William Friedkin's like,

[1:11:51] since now I'm a member of Wang Chung,

[1:11:54] if they do the score to my movie,

[1:11:56] it'll be free.

[1:11:57] Then if they win the Oscar,

[1:11:59] I'll get one too.

[1:12:00] I'll get an Oscar.

[1:12:01] Finally.

[1:12:01] Since I'm a member of the band.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:05] That's the scheme.

[1:12:06] That's a long time.

[1:12:07] Didn't know.

[1:12:08] Okay, so Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:09] I think the movie

[1:12:10] was originally called

[1:12:11] To Live and Wang Chung in LA.

[1:12:13] Mm-hmm.

[1:12:14] What were you asking me for?

[1:12:15] I was going to say,

[1:12:16] do you have any final thoughts?

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:21] You know what?

[1:12:22] Bring it home.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:23] I apologize to any fruits

[1:12:24] that I overlooked

[1:12:25] because there's a lot

[1:12:26] of great ones out there.

[1:12:27] Yeah.

[1:12:28] Oh man,

[1:12:29] that's so fancy,

[1:12:30] but I'll take it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:32] Elliot,

[1:12:32] you're the descending voice

[1:12:33] in this one.

[1:12:34] Any final thoughts?

[1:12:36] Closing thoughts?

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:37] I do.

[1:12:38] There is part of me

[1:12:39] that the older I get

[1:12:40] takes pleasure in

[1:12:41] seeing other people

[1:12:42] experience the variety

[1:12:43] of fruit out there.

[1:12:45] I'd be lying

[1:12:45] if I said there wasn't

[1:12:46] a part of me

[1:12:47] that wishes

[1:12:47] I didn't find fruit

[1:12:48] disgusting

[1:12:49] because it's definitely

[1:12:50] closing me off

[1:12:51] from a large part

[1:12:52] of eating

[1:12:53] and something

[1:12:53] that's very healthy,

[1:12:54] but I am what I am

[1:12:56] as Popeye said

[1:12:57] when he ate spinach,

[1:12:58] a food I liked.

[1:13:00] Not fruit.

[1:13:01] I don't like it

[1:13:02] and I think it's gross

[1:13:02] and sticky

[1:13:03] and I don't like

[1:13:04] the smells,

[1:13:05] textures,

[1:13:06] mouthfeel,

[1:13:06] taste,

[1:13:07] or the way

[1:13:08] it looks

[1:13:09] to be honest.

[1:13:09] So I apologize,

[1:13:11] it's just baked

[1:13:11] into me.

[1:13:12] It's the way,

[1:13:12] it's just where

[1:13:13] I'm flung.

[1:13:13] Like a pie.

[1:13:14] You know?

[1:13:15] Sure.

[1:13:16] Like, yeah,

[1:13:16] I want to look at a,

[1:13:17] I want to look at a,

[1:13:18] like one of the,

[1:13:19] like a Blackberry

[1:13:21] with all those weird

[1:13:22] little hairs

[1:13:22] coming out of it

[1:13:23] and things like that.

[1:13:23] No thank you.

[1:13:24] No thank you, sir.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:27] Chris,

[1:13:28] I think you got anything

[1:13:29] to bring us home here?

[1:13:31] I mean,

Chris Weitz

[1:13:32] I just want to thank you

[1:13:34] for asking me

[1:13:35] along to this.

[1:13:37] Oh,

[1:13:41] we got a,

[1:13:41] just happen to be here

[1:13:43] message.

[1:13:43] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:48] Yeah,

[1:13:49] that's the,

[1:13:50] yeah,

[1:13:50] so,

[1:13:51] I'm so glad

[1:13:53] you could share

[1:13:55] this with us.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:57] Glad we,

[1:13:57] we could waste

[1:13:58] your time

[1:13:59] both as a guest

[1:13:59] and then later

[1:14:00] as a listener

[1:14:01] when you listen

[1:14:01] to the episode.

Chris Weitz

[1:14:03] Well,

[1:14:03] I mean,

[1:14:04] the great thing is

[1:14:05] I didn't have to

[1:14:06] bathe the children,

[1:14:07] so that was good.

[1:14:07] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:11] Honey,

[1:14:12] the kids need

[1:14:13] to be bathed.

[1:14:14] I have to learn

[1:14:15] about fruit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:19] I need to get

[1:14:19] my top five together.

[1:14:21] America needs to know.

[1:14:22] I need the tightest

[1:14:23] top five.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:25] Oh,

[1:14:25] this is so much fun.

[1:14:27] Oh,

[1:14:27] God,

[1:14:28] I love fucking

[1:14:28] with you guys.

[1:14:32] So,

[1:14:33] for the Flophouse,

[1:14:34] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:14:35] Thank you so much.

[1:14:36] We're on the MaxFun Network.

[1:14:37] Our editor,

[1:14:38] who will hopefully

[1:14:38] piece this together

[1:14:39] into something

[1:14:40] that sounds great,

[1:14:42] is Alex Smith.

[1:14:43] You can find him

[1:14:44] as Howell Doughty

[1:14:45] on Twitter

[1:14:46] and other places.

[1:14:49] Yeah,

[1:14:49] Chris,

[1:14:50] you got anything

[1:14:50] you want to plug?

Chris Weitz

[1:14:54] Yes,

[1:14:55] my movie,

[1:14:55] which will be coming out

[1:14:57] maybe in a year

[1:14:57] and a half

[1:14:58] once I'm done with it.

[1:15:00] Yeah,

[1:15:01] keep going.

[1:15:02] So,

[1:15:02] listen,

[1:15:03] what you need to do

[1:15:04] is set yourself

[1:15:04] a calendar notification

[1:15:06] for a year and a half

[1:15:08] from now

[1:15:08] and listen to it again

[1:15:10] and then go see the movie,

[1:15:12] which might still be

[1:15:13] called Home

[1:15:14] if I make it,

[1:15:15] I don't get fired,

[1:15:17] and they don't change

[1:15:18] the name.

[1:15:19] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:19] Should we still see it

[1:15:22] if you get fired

[1:15:22] and don't make it

[1:15:23] and they change the name?

[1:15:24] No,

[1:15:24] absolutely not.

[1:15:26] Yeah,

[1:15:26] let's vote with our dollars

[1:15:27] and say,

[1:15:28] no whites,

[1:15:29] no dice.

[1:15:29] Yes,

[1:15:30] that's right.

[1:15:30] We're not going to see

[1:15:31] this movie.

[1:15:32] Okay,

[1:15:33] so I've been

[1:15:34] Stuart Wellington.

[1:15:35] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:15:37] I've been Elliot Kalin,

[1:15:38] also co-host

[1:15:39] of the Who Was podcast,

[1:15:40] a kid's quiz show

[1:15:41] about history

[1:15:42] that's on the iHeart Network

[1:15:43] available wherever

[1:15:43] podcasters are sold,

[1:15:45] I was going to say,

[1:15:45] wherever podcasts

[1:15:46] are downloaded

[1:15:47] in which we also have

[1:15:48] an episode where I talk

[1:15:48] about how I don't like

[1:15:49] fruit.

[1:15:50] So don't worry

[1:15:51] that if you thought

[1:15:52] I wasn't going to address

[1:15:53] the issue on that,

[1:15:54] the Who Was podcast.

[1:15:55] And joining us has been

Chris Weitz

[1:15:56] Chris Weitz.

[1:15:58] No podcasts,

[1:16:00] just a podcast guest,

[1:16:01] but happy to be here.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:03] Bye.

S6

[1:16:09] Maximumfun.org

[1:16:11] Comedy and culture.

[1:16:12] Artist owned.

[1:16:14] Audience supported.

FH Mini 55 - The Fruit Group, with Chris Weitz

Transcript

In this episode

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