FH Mini 54 - Happy Belated Mother's Day

Elliott Kalan

[0:00] Hello and welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:06] My name is Elliot Kalin and I'm joined tonight.

[0:10] It's nighttime where we're doing this and it's daytime where you are possibly.

[0:14] Look out the window.

[0:14] Night has fallen just through the power of my voice.

[0:17] Deal with it.

[0:18] But I'm joined tonight by...

Dan McCoy

[0:19] Dan McCoy, who's, you know, you could have just not made any prediction about the time of day.

Stuart Wellington

[0:26] And Stuart Wellington.

[0:27] And it's nighttime where I'm at, too.

Dan McCoy

[0:30] Yeah, it's true.

[0:31] It's nighttime where all three of us are at currently.

Elliott Kalan

[0:34] And it's now nighttime where you, the listener, are.

[0:37] Close your eyes unless you're driving and imagine that it is a deep dark night, the witching hour,

[0:43] when spooks and spirits and ghouls and ghosts come out of the graveyard because it's time to celebrate a belated Mother's Day.

[0:53] Oh, no.

[0:54] That's right, everybody.

[0:55] It was Mother's Day a week ago and we're going to be doing some mom talk about moms at the movies.

[1:00] But first, Dan, why don't we have a mom fun drive?

[1:03] I'm sorry, max fun drive update.

[1:05] How did things go a week ago when max fun drive ended and where are we in terms of rewards for our listeners?

Dan McCoy

[1:12] You know what?

[1:13] It went really well.

[1:15] It went really well.

[1:17] We smashed the first goal.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22] Like we were the phantom smashing evil.

[1:24] Yeah.

[1:24] Or did he slam it?

[1:25] He slammed evil.

[1:27] I'm sorry.

[1:27] Dan, can you go back and say we slammed the first reward level?

Stuart Wellington

[1:30] Elliot, can you pen a letter to Billy Zane to apologize?

Elliott Kalan

[1:34] I'll do that.

[1:35] Dear Mr. Zane, I take pen in hand to apologize for misremembering the slogan to your hit film, The Phantom.

Dan McCoy

[1:41] But, you know, so we're going to be sending out.

[1:44] It'll be to a total of 30 listeners who were new, upgrading, boosting this time around.

[1:53] We'll get those names from people.

[1:57] And, you know, people at the max fun.

Elliott Kalan

[1:59] As opposed to going to a cave and asking a bear for the names.

[2:03] We're going to ask the heavens for who.

[2:06] Here, let me look into my scrying pool, Dan.

[2:09] And hopefully the spirits of the waters will give us the names.

Dan McCoy

[2:12] We're going to find those names and we're going to use a randomizer to pick 30 people.

[2:17] 10 of whom will get signed copies of Elliot's Maniac of New York comic.

[2:23] 10 from Stu.

[2:25] I believe there was swag of some kind.

[2:28] Swag was promised.

Elliott Kalan

[2:29] Swag will be delivered.

Dan McCoy

[2:32] And then for me, I will.

Elliott Kalan

[2:33] The S in swag stands for Stuart and the W stands for Wellington.

Dan McCoy

[2:36] I will get in contact.

Elliott Kalan

[2:37] Stuart Wellington audience gifts.

[2:39] Swag.

Dan McCoy

[2:40] Yeah.

[2:40] I will get in contact with those members and be like, hey, what favorite movies do you want me to draw something from?

Elliott Kalan

[2:49] They're probably going to want to get drawings of the pregnancy scene in Sonic the Hedgehog, the movie.

Dan McCoy

[2:53] They all picked cheeky for some reason.

[2:57] I mean, I could do it.

[3:00] But anyway, so we also, you know what?

[3:05] We fell just a tiny bit short of the country bears, but it was within, it was 61 short.

[3:15] We're just going to do it, guys.

[3:18] We're not going to be dicks about it.

[3:20] We came so close.

[3:22] We're going to do the country bears commentary.

Elliott Kalan

[3:25] If I learned anything from being a parent, it's that you set limits and then you allow your children to blast through those limits and you reward them anyway.

[3:32] So let's do it.

Dan McCoy

[3:33] The thing is, you know, whatever.

[3:35] It's been a very tough several years.

[3:39] The fact that we did as well in this drive.

[3:42] Thank you so much during a difficult time.

[3:45] Like, I just, you know, yeah.

[3:48] Thank you for being a friend.

[3:51] Travel down the road and back again.

[3:53] Thank you for also the pledges and to return to say you're welcome and thank you, we will, to our Italian listeners, we're going to do this country bears commentary.

[4:09] It may not be right off.

[4:12] We haven't figured out when we're going to schedule it, but before the end of this.

[4:16] It's not going to be for a little while.

[4:18] Before the end of this calendar year, after this pledge drive, we will do the country bears commentary.

Stuart Wellington

[4:23] Hey, I just want to jump in and apologize if you guys are, for all of you that are watching at home, and if I look a little confused, it's because my cat Meatball has the zoomies right now.

[4:34] It is adorable because he chirps while he's doing it like a little bird, but he's not accomplishing much.

[4:41] Like, where is he going to go?

Dan McCoy

[4:43] Well, to put your mind at ease, there's no one watching.

[4:48] But I dressed up!

[4:49] Why did I dress up?

[4:50] Well, you are wearing a, what appears to be maybe a velvet sort of smoking jacket.

[4:57] It's a robe.

[4:58] What's underneath it?

[4:59] Nothing.

[5:00] It's a robe, okay.

[5:01] It's a robe in the smoking jacket style.

[5:03] Let us be clear to, I am not doing a bit right now.

[5:07] No, no.

Elliott Kalan

[5:07] Stuart is showing, it's big Hugh Hefner vibes at his house.

[5:11] Yeah, it's sort of a maroon robe with a black.

[5:14] Yeah, respectfully Hugh Hefner, yeah.

[5:16] Yeah.

[5:18] Anyway.

[5:19] Before we get off the MaxFunDrive entirely, I also want to say thank you, everybody.

[5:22] And I will say, one of the best things about this year's MaxFunDrive was, I heard a lot from listeners who, in the past, didn't feel like they had the means to support us.

[5:31] And now we're like, I got a job where I can pledge.

[5:33] That was the best part of it, was hearing about all these listeners who are feeling more financially secure and have employment that they're happy about.

[5:41] And that was a wonderful, not predicted side benefit of MaxFunDrive.

Dan McCoy

[5:46] No, that is a very nice message that we sort of get inadvertently as part of the way things are set up.

[5:52] It's like, oh yeah, great.

[5:53] Like, I'm glad that so many people seem to like, I don't know, things are looking up.

Elliott Kalan

[5:58] I hope.

[5:58] Yeah.

[5:58] I hope for folks.

[5:59] Hopefully.

[6:00] I mean, what it also tells me is we have to cultivate more of a billionaire audience.

[6:03] So, Elon, if you're listening, well, I still don't like you.

[6:09] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[6:09] Please listen.

[6:10] Put the phone down.

[6:10] If you're listening, please stop it.

Stuart Wellington

[6:12] They can start listening.

[6:13] Listen to something else.

[6:14] And then I could trick them into walking into this guillotine I have set up.

Dan McCoy

[6:18] Oh, God.

[6:19] What?

[6:19] I mean, now you're threatening a public figure.

[6:22] Billionaires?

[6:24] I don't know that legally it's.

[6:26] I'm not threatening anything.

[6:27] I've just set up a guillotine.

Elliott Kalan

[6:30] He's right.

[6:31] Legally, you can chop the head off a billionaire.

[6:33] It's in the legal code.

[6:35] Thomas Jefferson put it in there.

[6:37] As long as you don't do it yourself, you just set up the guillotine and they stumble into

[6:41] it like some kind of French farce that's a French Revolution farce.

Dan McCoy

[6:45] Inspector Clouseau sort of figure.

Elliott Kalan

[6:47] What if they did a bedroom door slamming French farce, but it's set during the French

[6:52] Revolution, so instead of door slams, it's a guillotine chopping people's heads off.

[6:56] People are just kind of jumping into the wrong guillotine.

Dan McCoy

[6:58] Yeah, people just leave a room and go into a guillotine, I guess.

[7:02] I guess you lose the cast over the quick.

[7:03] Sounds like a real house.

[7:04] You need a very large cast for something like that.

Stuart Wellington

[7:07] Kind of sounds like the house from 13 Ghosts.

[7:10] Oh, yeah.

[7:12] Hey, Elliot, remember 13 Ghosts?

[7:15] Yeah.

[7:16] I do remember 13 Ghosts.

[7:16] That old house that went out of F. Murray Abraham's house was made out of glass?

[7:21] Yep.

[7:22] And that like writing on all the glass?

Dan McCoy

[7:24] Now, is that what the glass house the movie is about?

[7:27] Is it about F. Murray Abraham's house?

[7:29] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[7:29] And Lili Sobieski has to go live there.

[7:31] And then Stone Skarsgård.

[7:34] With F. Murray Abraham?

Elliott Kalan

[7:35] Yeah.

[7:38] So guys, have you ever played the game Fuck, Marry Abraham?

[7:41] That's when you get three names and you just say, who are you going to F?

[7:45] Who are you going to marry?

[7:47] And who are you going to Abraham?

Dan McCoy

[7:48] Which in this case is kill.

[7:50] Well, it's pretend that you're going to kill.

[7:52] But then God says at the end, no, it's fine.

[7:55] Don't worry about it.

[7:55] God says, psych.

[7:56] You don't have to do it.

[7:57] Your son's fine.

[7:58] God says, it's fine.

[7:59] You can do a country bear thing.

[8:00] For the rest of your life.

[8:02] Your relationship with your child has been ruined.

[8:05] Yeah.

[8:06] Any sense of trust is gone.

Elliott Kalan

[8:09] Anyway, Ali, you had a concept.

[8:10] Back in biblical times, dads and sons didn't have good relationships.

[8:13] Okay.

[8:14] We're supposed to now.

[8:14] So we've had a lot of fun tonight.

[8:17] We've talked about a lot of great things.

[8:18] Yeah.

[8:19] And it's time to get to the serious part of the episode.

[8:22] Okay, guys.

[8:24] I'm behind – I'm at the wheel this time.

[8:28] And it's not a car wheel.

[8:29] We're on a ship.

[8:30] So it thinks you might get a little rocky and you might get a little seasick.

[8:34] Because we're going to play a little game tonight that I don't think you're going to enjoy very much.

[8:39] But maybe you will.

[8:39] I don't know.

[8:40] A lot of times we've done games where we have to identify things, where we have to guess titles for things,

[8:45] or whether Eric Roberts is in a movie or not.

[8:48] I wanted to indulge a different part of your brain than just a rote trivia memory.

[8:53] And I'm going to bring us to a debating game.

[8:57] That's right.

[8:58] You two are about to engage in a series of debates on the subject of moms.

[9:03] It's everyone's favorite debating game, Mansplain, the debating game for white cishet upper class nerds.

[9:09] And it's a special Mother's Day mom versus mom edition.

[9:12] So here's how it goes.

[9:14] You two will be debating each other in a series of rounds.

[9:17] Choosing between two moms from the movies, you're going to debate which mom is the better mom.

[9:22] Why should I choose that mom as my mom?

[9:25] And so there's going to be a number of categories.

[9:29] You're going to take turns being the one who chooses first, which mom you're going to argue the case of.

[9:34] We're going to do this classic debating style.

[9:37] The person who chooses will get one minute for your opening statement.

[9:39] Your opponent will get one minute for his rebuttal.

[9:41] And then the person who chose will get 30 seconds for their counter rebuttal.

[9:45] I may also let the clock run longer if I feel like it or if I forget how much time has gone by.

[9:50] Perfect.

Elliott Kalan

[9:50] Okay.

[9:51] And points are going to be awarded by me on a painstakingly arbitrary manner.

[9:57] So don't worry.

[9:59] This is a high level of forensics and just random choice.

[10:04] So let's begin with the first round of this mom versus mom edition of Mansplain, the debating game for white, cis, head, upper class nerds.

[10:11] So, okay.

[10:13] This is the first round.

[10:15] Dan, you get to choose which side you're taking first because I imagine you are more nervous than Stuart.

[10:21] This first round is supportive single suburban moms in the movies.

[10:27] Who would you like to argue the case of there being a better mom?

[10:29] Patricia Arquette in Boyhood.

[10:31] The woman who spent over a decade of her life having to hang out with Richard Linkletter for weekends at a time to be in a movie about a kid who, to be honest, is not that special a kid.

[10:41] Or would you rather argue the case of Dee Wallace who has to put up with a wrinkly alien hiding in her child's bedroom closet?

[10:48] Would you like to argue in favor of The Mom in Boyhood or The Mom in E.T.?

Dan McCoy

[10:52] I'm going to go with Dee Wallace, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[10:55] Okay.

[10:55] Could have seen that coming.

[10:56] So, Stuart, you'll be arguing the case of Patricia Arquette in Boyhood, Academy Award winning performance.

[11:00] The movie, of course, lost Best Picture to Birdman, perhaps the second most forgotten Best Picture winner of the last 20 years.

[11:07] What a fucking turd.

[11:08] The first most forgotten Best Picture winner of the last 20 years, of course, The Artist, a movie I routinely forget existed.

[11:14] It won Best Picture.

[11:15] All right.

[11:15] So, Dan, that's neither here nor there.

[11:18] Let's go.

[11:19] Your minute starts now.

[11:20] Tell me, why is Dee Wallace the better mom in E.T.?

[11:23] And go.

Dan McCoy

[11:24] You know, there's an extraterrestrial in her home.

[11:29] And she doesn't react with sort of the panic of a woman who wonders, maybe this has brought interdimensional otherworldly viruses, like diseases into my house.

[11:44] Instead, she's worried only for the safety of her children and for that lovable scamp E.T.

[11:52] And, you know, this may be extraterrestrial, but of course, Dee Wallace.

[11:57] That's okay.

[11:57] Also, E.T.

[11:58] Yeah.

[11:58] Dee Wallace.

[12:00] He's the extraterrestrial extraterrestrial.

[12:01] Yeah.

[12:02] Also, did a bang-up job protecting her son from that rabid St. Bernard.

[12:08] Not so much in the book.

[12:10] In the book, she didn't do so well.

[12:12] But you know what?

[12:13] That book character was not Dee Wallace.

Elliott Kalan

[12:15] In the book of E.T., you're saying?

[12:17] Yeah.

[12:17] Only in the movie.

Dan McCoy

[12:18] Yeah.

[12:18] Neither in the book of E.T. or in Cujo, did they say.

Elliott Kalan

[12:24] Oh, sorry, Dan.

[12:24] You said the word Cujo just as the minute ran out, so I can't give you points for that part.

[12:28] As far as I know, you think that the book of E.T. had an angry dog in it.

[12:33] So you'll get your points for that.

[12:37] Stu, it's your turn.

[12:38] You have one minute to tell me why Patricia Arquette in Boyhood is the better mom.

[12:44] And go.

[12:45] What is time?

Stuart Wellington

[12:48] Time is a thing that is ever marching onward.

[12:51] Patricia Arquette knows this all too well in the movie Boyhood.

[12:55] Let me explain it to you.

[12:57] She has this child.

[12:58] The child is with her quite a bit.

[13:01] She has multiple partners, some of whom are drunks.

[13:06] And Ethan Hawke is like always hanging around.

[13:08] And I was wondering, in The Northman, do you think Ethan Hawke had like a muscle suit on?

[13:14] Because he looked kind of bulky, but I don't think he looks that bulky in real life.

[13:18] That's a good question I just asked.

[13:20] So the other thing is Patricia Arquette is great.

[13:26] Didn't she speak to ghosts on a TV show?

[13:28] And she was in Lost Highway.

[13:30] What a picture.

[13:31] So what I'm trying to explain is Cujo.

[13:42] And I think that's it.

[13:43] That's a minute, right?

[13:45] Yep.

[13:45] That's a minute.

[13:47] Strong start.

Elliott Kalan

[13:48] You kind of lost your way a little bit in the middle there.

[13:50] Dan, now it's – okay.

[13:52] This is the final round of the first round.

[13:54] Dan, you have 30 seconds to have your counter-rebuttal to whatever it is.

[13:59] Stu just said – okay.

Dan McCoy

[14:01] And go.

[14:03] I'm glad that Stu brought up both Cujo and Lost Highway because while Dee Wallace was protecting her child from within a car,

[14:13] do you want a mother who's going to get you lost on the highway?

[14:17] Possibly you're on your way to Disney World.

[14:20] It's delaying.

[14:21] By the time you get there, there's no time for any of the good rides.

[14:26] You're just going to have to get on, I don't know, the teacup one.

[14:29] And if you stand in line long enough, you'll probably get on It's a Small World.

[14:34] And that's not a full day.

[14:36] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[14:36] That's the end of your counter-rebuttal.

[14:38] I mean, it was strong, but I like the teacup ride.

[14:41] So unfortunately, that hurts you a little bit.

[14:43] Sorry.

[14:44] Know your audience.

[14:45] Looking at the first round, our final scores, I'm going to say that Dan is slightly in the lead.

[14:52] Okay.

[14:52] Fair.

[14:53] Dan has three points.

[14:54] Stuart has one point.

[14:57] Dan, I wish you would have had a higher score if you could have gotten Cujo in during that first statement.

[15:02] But unfortunately, it was just a little too late, so I'm not sure you've seen ET.

[15:06] But some of the other things you said really rang true, and I like the way you turned Lost Highway around.

[15:11] Stu, I loved your opening on that argument, and then you kind of forgot what you were talking about.

[15:18] That's why you only got the one point.

[15:19] Okay, so now it's round two.

[15:23] Okay, round two.

[15:25] So this time, Stuart gets to choose his side, and this is a different kind of round.

[15:29] This is, again, still about moms.

[15:31] These are supportive moms.

[15:32] This is the category of badass protector moms.

[15:37] These are the moms who are willing to hurt somebody to help their child.

[15:42] Real mama bears.

[15:43] And in this case, you get to choose between Sarah Connor and the Queen Alien.

[15:48] Who are you going to argue the case of as the best mom?

Stuart Wellington

[15:52] Two James Cameron joints.

[15:56] I mean, I'm going to do Sarah Connor.

Elliott Kalan

[15:59] Okay, that's great.

[16:00] So, Dan, you'll be arguing the case of the Queen Alien as a better mom than Sarah Connor.

[16:05] Yeah.

[16:05] And, Stuart, your first statement.

[16:08] You have one minute starts now.

Stuart Wellington

[16:10] Okay, so Sarah Connor, like, started off as a waitress.

[16:13] So already she's got these great multitasking skills.

[16:16] She works real hard.

[16:18] She loves her kid.

[16:19] And then she doesn't have a kid yet because all of a sudden this dude from the future named Michael Bean shows up,

[16:24] and he puts a baby in her, and it's like, what?

[16:27] That baby's going to be the king of the future?

[16:30] And his name's going to be John Connor, which I don't know if you know that.

[16:33] There was another guy named with a JC initial, and he had some pretty wild ideas.

[16:40] And so Sarah Connor then lost her baby, made a bunch of friends, but then she got super fucking ripped for part two.

[16:50] I mean, what?

[16:51] Check out those shoulders and arms.

[16:53] It's nuts.

[16:54] And then she broke free, and, you know, things were a little bit rocky at first, but they got along great.

[16:59] And you know what?

[16:59] They beat a T-1000.

[17:01] So thumbs up to Sarah Connor.

[17:05] Some additional elements about Sarah Connor is that she's been –

[17:09] I'm sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[17:09] That's all the time you have.

[17:11] I apologize.

[17:11] You've run out of time.

[17:13] I do want to hear those, so save them for your counter rebuttal maybe.

[17:16] I'm really disappointed you didn't start with, what is time, since it's a time travel movie?

[17:21] But you're doing great.

[17:23] You're doing great.

[17:24] A lot of plot summary in there, but that's good.

[17:26] That's fine.

[17:27] Dan, okay, now it's your turn.

[17:29] You have one minute to tell me why is the queen alien a better mom than Sarah Connor, and go.

Dan McCoy

[17:35] First off, is there a measure of a mother better than, of course, quantity of offspring?

[17:46] Size of brood.

[17:50] Boy, does the queen alien have it when it comes to number of children compared to Sarah Connor.

[17:58] Only managed the one before Kyle Reese was killed.

[18:02] Number two, you know, it's an alien.

[18:08] You know, people say the xenomorphs are, you know, loveless creatures,

[18:14] but this alien was willing as an act of revenge to hitch a ride on a spaceship up into space

[18:20] and attack Ripley and murder a bystanding android, a synthetic, as they prefer to be called, if I recall.

[18:31] Very tolerant.

[18:32] I appreciate that.

[18:34] And that's your minute.

Elliott Kalan

[18:36] That's your minute.

[18:36] Thank you.

[18:37] You made a compelling argument, a compelling, somewhat insulting to most mothers who aren't the queen alien argument.

[18:44] Stuart, you now have 30 seconds to rebut Dan's rebuttal.

[18:49] This is a re-rebut.

[18:51] And give me the Sarah Connor argument.

[18:53] Go.

Stuart Wellington

[18:54] You say size of brood.

[18:57] Well, what if we were talking about the mother of all of humanity?

[19:02] Because that's what she gives the future by birthing John Connor.

[19:06] A boy who she raised, troubled teen, but she gave him the life skills he needs to teach a robot how to say cool-ass shit and give a thumbs up.

[19:17] Does the queen alien teach anybody anything?

[19:20] No, all she does is scream, shoot out her little tongue mouth, and then get killed.

[19:26] Sarah Connor, not killed.

Elliott Kalan

[19:29] Okay, good.

[19:29] I'm glad you finished that thought.

[19:32] I'll let you finish that thought.

[19:33] Guys, another great round, I got to say.

[19:36] So telling up the scores now at the end of that round, Stuart actually has a – oh, no, I'm sorry.

[19:43] It's tied up.

[19:44] It's tied up is what I meant to say.

[19:46] Stuart doesn't have a lead.

[19:47] It's tied up though.

[19:48] Sorry, I was doing the scores as I was talking.

[19:51] But that's – hey, it's a tie game.

[19:53] It's literally anyone's game.

[19:55] And we've got another round before we take a commercial break.

[19:57] This next round, Dan gets to choose who he's going to argue first, which – oh, good thing because this is right up Dan's alley.

[20:05] It's the sexy moms category.

[20:07] Sexy moms of the movies.

[20:09] Dan, will you argue the case of Morticia Adams from the Adams family films or Leah Thompson in Back to the Future?

[20:16] Morticia Adams can't keep her hands off her husband.

[20:18] Leah Thompson can't keep her hands off her son.

[20:21] Which – who are you going to argue is the better mom?

[20:26] I'm going to argue for Leah Thompson.

[20:29] I'm not surprised at all.

[20:30] So, Stuart, you'll be arguing in favor of Morticia Adams.

[20:33] Dan, your opening statement, you have one minute again, starts now.

[20:37] Look, you all know me.

Dan McCoy

[20:40] I'm pervizoid number one.

[20:42] I'm an innocent pervizoid.

[20:45] I'm not going to cause you any trouble.

[20:46] But I'm your friend on the other side of these headphones who is not afraid to say kind of gross things.

[20:57] And I'm going to tell you, a lot of people seem to enjoy your taboo porn.

[21:05] And Back to the Future was way out of the curve when it came to slamming that into the mainstream.

[21:15] So, if you want to cover all elements of this great – what am I doing, guys?

[21:24] I don't even –

[21:25] You haven't said much about her as a mother.

[21:28] She's pretty good once the pass gets fixed, you know?

[21:34] Like, early on, she seems kind of, you know, beaten down by life.

[21:39] I don't think that's her fault.

[21:41] You know, her husband is a layabout.

[21:43] And Dan, that's your minute.

[21:44] Okay.

[21:45] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[21:45] What a mess of an argument.

[21:47] Stuart, you're going to have to try hard not to win this one.

[21:50] So, this is –

[21:51] God, I'm me.

[21:54] I have to admit, Dan, you did kind of walk into the guillotine I set up for you there.

[21:58] So, thank you for being true to form.

[22:01] Now, Stuart, yes.

Dan McCoy

[22:02] Look, I'll drive into the skid.

Elliott Kalan

[22:04] Stuart, let's – yeah, you have one minute.

[22:07] It sounds like you're already revving up.

[22:08] Tell me about Morticia Adams.

[22:09] Why is she the better of the two sexy moms?

Stuart Wellington

[22:13] Well, she's always, like, lounging around and stuff.

[22:16] And yet, at the same time, she gives her kids plenty of space to learn and be children and do their own fucking thing, right?

[22:26] She and Gomez are always dancing, catching roses and teeth.

[22:30] There's always close-ups on her eyes that are lit very well.

[22:34] Yeah, she's really great.

[22:36] And, you know, I don't know.

[22:42] Like, you know, right?

[22:47] You know what I mean, right?

[22:51] Come on.

[22:52] You might need more specifics in this argument.

[22:54] No, wait a minute.

[22:56] But, you know, it's like – you know, right?

Elliott Kalan

[23:01] You still have ten more seconds.

[23:02] Okay.

[23:05] I'm trying to run out the clock.

[23:07] In conclusion, you know, right?

[23:13] Okay.

[23:13] And that is your rebuttal.

[23:15] I said you're going to have to work hard, and you did.

[23:18] So –

Dan McCoy

[23:18] I think I'm going to win this one on redirect because here's what I got to say.

Elliott Kalan

[23:23] Okay.

[23:24] And go.

Dan McCoy

[23:26] Well, you know, my learned colleague's argument, the last half of it, was just basically kind of a retread of his wait, what, come on bit, which is a classic bit.

[23:36] But it has little salience on the matter.

[23:39] And also, are we to believe – like, half of his arguments are just describing the films that these characters appear in.

[23:46] Like, is the mark of a great mother that she has her eyes lit really well?

[23:52] I don't know.

[23:53] Not in real life.

[23:54] I mean, obviously also not in real life.

[23:56] Pull up.

[23:57] Pull up.

[23:57] Go back and pass.

[23:58] Abort.

[23:58] No, no, wait.

Elliott Kalan

[23:59] Hold on.

[24:00] Okay.

[24:00] And that's your time.

[24:02] So you really went after his argument.

[24:05] I mean, you didn't really back up your thoughts about the future.

[24:09] But that's okay.

[24:10] It's debate.

[24:11] Sometimes debate is more about tearing down your opponent.

[24:13] Yeah.

[24:14] So this is – so that round did not go the way I thought it would in a lot of ways.

[24:20] But telling up the points, Dan takes a slight lead.

[24:24] We are now at six to five, Dan, in terms of points.

[24:28] That's a surprise.

[24:31] Stuart lost a lot of points, but he just kind of stopped arguing to do a bit.

[24:36] So let's take –

[24:38] I think you both –

[24:38] Worth it.

[24:40] Yeah.

[24:40] I can see that your debate engines are overheating and there's steam coming out.

[24:44] So why don't we take a break for a short sponsor moment.

[24:47] Dan, who's our sponsor on this special episode of the Flop House?

Dan McCoy

[24:51] I don't know whether they want to be associated with this particular episode.

[24:55] But our sponsor is Kitty Poo Club.

[24:59] Now, look, I'm a cat person.

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[26:00] I'll say it again.

[26:02] You know, like I don't have kids around.

[26:05] So if I want to buy a toy, it's going to be for the cat.

[26:08] I like to see the cat play with the toys and be happy.

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[26:42] That's kittypooclub.com.

[26:45] That's in the copy, but it makes it sound like we're threatening Kitty Poo Club.

[26:49] The Flophouse sent you.

[26:51] Bam, pow, bam, some chill music for you.

Stuart Wellington

[26:54] Hey, it's me, Colin Farrell, the penguin.

[26:56] Tell them the Flophouse sent you.

[27:01] That's my the penguin as played by Colin Farrell impression.

Elliott Kalan

[27:05] That's a good impression.

[27:06] That's a great impression.

Stuart Wellington

[27:07] Hey, you guys, it's me, the penguin.

[27:13] I gotta say, I just love the way that Colin Farrell made up his mind that he was like,

[27:25] I don't care how short the scene is in, if I'm gonna have to put on all this fucking shit,

[27:29] I'm gonna make the most out of any line I deliver.

Dan McCoy

[27:33] He was having fun in that movie.

Elliott Kalan

[27:35] You gotta have fun.

[27:36] When you're in a Batman movie, why not have fun?

[27:38] Yeah, you just gotta have fun.

[27:38] You're in a movie about a guy who dresses like a bat and beats the crap out of people.

[27:41] So, have some fun.

Stuart Wellington

[27:42] Yeah, have some fun.

S4

[27:48] Thank you so much to everyone who participated in this year's MaxFunDrive.

[27:51] If you're a member who wants to purchase additional patches,

[27:54] our annual shop is now live.

[27:57] The proceeds for this year's sale will be going to Trans Lifeline.

[28:00] Anytime is a good time to donate to Trans Lifeline,

[28:03] but this year it feels particularly important.

[28:06] Trans Lifeline is a non-profit for the trans community by the trans community.

[28:11] We're grateful that with your support,

[28:12] we'll be able to help Trans Lifeline connect trans folks to the support and resources they need to survive and thrive.

[28:19] The sale will run until Friday, May 20th.

[28:22] Folks at the $10 monthly level and above will have access to all of the patches from the drive.

[28:28] We also have a special network patch starring Nutsy that all members can purchase.

[28:33] For more information on Trans Lifeline, visit TransLifeline.org.

[28:38] And for more information on the patches, head to MaximumFun.org.

[28:43] Patch sale.

S5

[28:43] Hey, this is Alden Ford.

[28:47] And Mujan Zofagari.

[28:48] And we are here with all the other creators of Mission to Zix.

[28:51] Hello.

[28:51] Hey.

Elliott Kalan

[28:52] You're not going to say our names, too?

S6

[28:53] No, no.

[28:53] It's a short promo.

[28:55] Yeah.

[28:55] I'm going to speed through it.

[28:56] Now, with the end of our fifth and final season just a few weeks away, we want to say thank you to Maximum Fun and to every single one of you who has listened to and supported Mission to Zix.

S5

[29:06] Thank you.

[29:07] And if you haven't checked it out, well, Mission to Zix is an improvised space opera with blockbuster quality sound design, a score performed by an actual 60-piece orchestra, and hilarious guest comedians on every episode.

[29:19] And as our final episodes air, now is the perfect time to jump on board.

S6

[29:24] That's Mission to Zix.

[29:25] Z-Y-X-X on Maximum Fun.

Elliott Kalan

[29:29] Hey, speaking of fun, it's time to get back to our game.

[29:33] It's time for the second half of Mansplain.

[29:36] Mom vs. Mom, Mother's Day, belated edition.

[29:38] Perfect.

[29:39] And first, before we get to the next round of the debate, I wanted to have a little bonus round and ask each of you a question you can get extra pa-pa-pa points for.

[29:48] Three Ps.

[29:49] I kind of need this, yeah.

[29:50] Because those stand for points, points, points.

[29:53] So here's my question.

[29:55] Stu, you can go first.

[29:56] Sure.

[29:56] Although you are also going to get to choose during the next category.

[29:59] Stu, what is the plot of the movie about your mom?

[30:03] And Dan, think about it because the same question is going to be coming right to you.

[30:06] when Stu is finished.

[30:07] What is the plot of the movie about your mom?

[30:10] About my mom.

[30:10] Your mom.

[30:11] If you were making a movie about your mom, what's the plot?

Stuart Wellington

[30:13] Okay.

[30:15] It would be, I mean, it would probably be some kind of like a heist movie where she and a bunch of, you know, like a team of experts in their own fields have to come together and steal a big old bag full of money that's in a bank vault.

[30:42] And what's her expertise in this movie?

[30:45] Well, she was an English teacher.

[30:49] So she likes Wordle.

[30:52] So maybe that can be, maybe she's like a, like a, like a, like a, like a cryptomancer or something.

[31:01] You can like figure out puzzles.

Elliott Kalan

[31:04] I was going to say maybe the lock is a word based lock rather than a number based lock.

Stuart Wellington

[31:08] Yeah, that's what I meant.

[31:10] That's what I said.

[31:11] Sure.

[31:12] And what's the title of the movie?

[31:14] Um, uh, Shelley's big day out.

[31:28] Okay.

[31:29] It brings a certain tone to it.

Elliott Kalan

[31:31] That's not like a crackerjack heist, but you know.

[31:35] I mean, it's not wrong.

[31:37] It's going to be a big day.

[31:38] It is a big day for Shelley.

Dan McCoy

[31:39] Sort of a 1960s, like swinging London.

[31:43] Yeah, I can see that.

[31:44] It could be called Shelley's big day out.

[31:46] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[31:46] And so, so Dan, you've had some time to think, what's the plot of the movie about your mom?

Dan McCoy

[31:51] Uh, I think it would be sort of, uh, my, you know, my mother was, uh, well, is, um, still living, but she was when she was still working.

[32:02] She was a librarian.

Dan McCoy

[32:04] She was retired now.

[32:04] She was a public librarian and then a librarian for the college in my hometown.

[32:10] And, um, you know, I think it would be kind of, I mean, like this kind of exists, right?

[32:14] The librarian, uh, series of, uh, TV movies.

Elliott Kalan

[32:19] There's a librarian franchise, but it's basically just an Indiana Jones type thing.

Dan McCoy

[32:21] Well, that's what I was going to be like national treasure, but it's with like library stuff.

[32:26] But then I'm like, well, that's the librarian movies, uh, which, uh, but like, you know, she's kind of a small, uh, unassuming lady who like, maybe it's more like Yoda at the end of, uh, Phantom at the end of, uh, how well you describe Yoda as unassuming.

Elliott Kalan

[32:46] I'm saying that she's, he's unassuming until he starts whipping around and doing flips and fighting.

[32:51] Yeah, I guess you're right.

Dan McCoy

[32:52] She would be a good Miss Marple style hero, like kind of a cross pollination of like an Indiana Jones style thing, but with like a Miss Marple style, uh, mystery solver at the core.

Elliott Kalan

[33:04] Okay.

[33:05] And what's the title?

Dan McCoy

[33:06] Uh, the, the, the, the, the books at tryst.

Elliott Kalan

[33:16] I love it.

[33:18] I love it.

[33:19] That's great.

[33:20] Yeah.

[33:21] That sounds good.

[33:22] My, now, of course my, and just to answer the question for me, my mom is also a librarian, but in my movie, she can change to take the form of a rabbit.

[33:29] Uh, and it's called lady rabbit super spy.

[33:32] So she's a spy in the form of rabbit.

[33:33] The thing is being a rabbit is a lot, makes it more difficult to be a spy.

[33:37] So it's actually a challenge she has to overcome.

Dan McCoy

[33:39] It's just kind of a spy in disguise.

Stuart Wellington

[33:41] You would say it's like how a Benicula, despite being a vampire,

[33:45] it doesn't have that good of a time because it's also a bunny.

Elliott Kalan

[33:49] Exactly.

[33:50] Very much so.

[33:51] So I'm going to give each of you two bonus points for that.

[33:53] You guys did great.

[33:53] That was fantastic.

[33:54] Now it's time for the next.

[33:55] How many did you give yourself?

[33:57] Uh, as the, as the host, I gave myself 10,000 points.

[34:00] Awesome.

[34:01] Way in the lead.

[34:02] But right now, so the scores are now Dan eight, Stu seven.

[34:05] Still very close.

[34:06] And we've got neck and neck.

[34:07] Yeah.

[34:08] We've got at least two more rounds of debate.

[34:10] I'll let you wonder how many there are.

[34:12] Uh, so Stu, you're going to choose on this one.

[34:15] This next category, this is a little, it's a sensitive topic.

[34:18] This is the category moms who died during the movie.

[34:21] And Stu, you're going to choose who's the better mom.

[34:24] Shmi Skywalker or Bambi's mom.

[34:28] And you get to choose which one you're going to argue in favor of.

[34:35] I'm going to.

[34:36] Of course.

[34:37] Yeah.

[34:37] I, I gotta, I gotta argue for Shmi.

[34:41] Okay.

[34:41] Shmi Skywalker, mother of Darth Vader.

[34:43] And Dan, so you'll be arguing the case of Bambi's mom, mom of Bambi, the deer.

[34:46] Yeah.

[34:47] Wait a minute.

[34:47] One is, of course, one, of course, the, the, maybe the most evil man in the galaxy

[34:53] or second most evil man in the galaxy and the other, a deer.

[34:56] So, okay, Stuart, you have one minute to argue the case of that Shmi Skywalker is a better

[34:59] mom than Bambi.

[35:01] And you begin now.

[35:02] Balance.

Stuart Wellington

[35:05] Balance is what the galaxy needs.

[35:08] And Shmi provides by squirting out Anakin Skywalker.

[35:13] Losing points for that phrase.

[35:17] Anakin, uh, Shmi, a single mother raised Anakin, uh, despite.

[35:25] Good points.

[35:25] Yeah.

[35:25] Having to deal with Watto always busting their chops.

[35:30] She helped.

[35:31] She gave him enough space and, uh, emotional support that he became, uh, the best pod racer

[35:40] in the Boonta Eve classic.

[35:43] Uh, and he then was able to blow up a droid spaceship command ship using those same skills.

[35:51] Uh, she let him go and train.

[35:54] Uh, she gave him the space to do that.

[35:56] She got remarried and then killed by some Tuscan raiders.

[35:59] But you know what?

[36:00] Even that helped her son along his path to do what he needed to do, which is cause balance

[36:07] in the force.

Elliott Kalan

[36:09] Okay.

[36:10] That's, that's a great opening statement.

[36:11] You went a little over in a couple seconds, but that's fine.

[36:13] Dan, you have your minute now.

[36:15] I might let you go a little over two just for equal time.

[36:17] Can you explain why Bambi's mom is actually the better mom of the two moms?

[36:22] So wait and begin.

Dan McCoy

[36:24] What is one good mark of parenthood?

[36:27] It's being there for your child.

[36:30] Now, Bambi's mom, you may remember her as dying very early, but I want to tell you as someone

[36:36] who watched Bambi recently, she does not die until the second half of the film.

[36:42] You are misremembering Bambi.

[36:44] She is around a surprising amount.

Elliott Kalan

[36:45] I don't like the attack on the, on the, on the moderator.

[36:48] I didn't make any games about Bambi's mom.

Dan McCoy

[36:50] Whereas Smee?

[36:53] Smee.

[36:53] Smee, was she, was she around enough?

[36:57] Do you, if I were to ask 100 people to name 100 Star Wars characters, none of them would

[37:05] come up with her name.

[37:07] Whereas everyone feels the void left by Bambi's mom, who was around a surprisingly long time before

[37:14] she got shot by a hunter.

[37:17] And that's like, all right, no, that's, you got extra time.

[37:21] Oh no, sorry.

[37:22] I was reading your face wrong.

[37:24] I thought you were, your face said, wrap it up.

[37:28] No, no, no.

Elliott Kalan

[37:28] I received, I received a text about work at the, that, because I didn't turn my notifications

[37:33] off.

[37:33] It was for me.

[37:33] That wrapped look on your face.

[37:35] Yeah.

[37:35] There's a note from Stuart saying, don't let him win this.

[37:38] Okay.

[37:39] Dan?

[37:39] It's like, hey Elliot, how you doing?

[37:42] Dan, that was a strong, Dan, that was a strong rebuttal coming on.

[37:46] You're getting a good second wind, but Stuart, this is your rebut rebuttal.

[37:49] Tell me, why is Dan wrong?

[37:51] Why is Shmee Skywalker better?

Stuart Wellington

[37:53] You have 30 seconds.

[37:54] So in the public memory, I don't disagree that the average person might not know the name

[38:01] of Shmee Skywalker, though I'm sure they would recount that Anakin did have a mother.

[38:08] Now, more people will know that yes, Bambi's mom existed and died, but tell me one person

[38:16] who knows Bambi's mom's name.

[38:20] If that person exists and wants to write in, just send it to Dan McCoy, care of the flop house.

Elliott Kalan

[38:28] And that's your rebuttal.

[38:30] That was very well said, very well spoken.

[38:33] And I think we're going to be surprised by the results of this one.

[38:38] I'm going to, I'm actually going to, let's see.

[38:41] It's still a close, it's still a close game, but right now, let's see.

[38:47] Hold on one second.

Dan McCoy

[38:49] It's so close.

[38:50] I'll just be looking up Bambi's mom to see if she indeed had a name.

[38:54] No, no, no.

Elliott Kalan

[38:54] If you, if you, yeah, look it up.

[38:56] If she has, if you can produce someone who knows that, produce them now.

[38:59] But guys, Stu, you've tied it up.

[39:02] It's not 10 to 10.

[39:03] That's what it is.

[39:03] It is the level playing field once again.

[39:06] Unfortunately, Dan has a big advantage in this next round because he gets to choose who he's

[39:12] going to argue the case of.

[39:14] This next category, it's scared horror movie mom.

[39:17] Moms in horror movies or otherwise scary movies that are scared and are scared of things

[39:22] in the movie.

[39:23] Dan, will you be arguing the case of Shelley Duvall in The Shining?

[39:27] Or Tilda Swinton in We Need to Talk About Kevin?

[39:30] Who would you say is a better mom?

[39:32] Choose wisely because you'll have to make the case.

[39:35] I'm going to choose Shelley Duvall.

[39:38] Okay.

[39:38] So I have to look on Stuart's faces.

[39:41] I can't tell if he was dreading that outcome or okay with it.

[39:45] So Stuart, you'll be arguing the case of Tilda Swinton in We Need to Talk About Kevin.

[39:48] Sure.

[39:48] An uphill battle.

[39:49] Very much an uphill battle.

[39:51] But being a mom is stressful.

[39:53] So Dan, your opening statement about the betterness of Shelley Duvall in The Shining begins now

[39:59] and you have one minute.

Dan McCoy

[40:00] I will quickly state that everything I have said in this show is facetious to some degree

[40:07] before saying Shelley Duvall was able to protect her child from a danger whereas Tilda Swinton's

[40:16] child was the danger.

[40:18] Now, is that Tilda Swinton's fault?

[40:21] One could argue one way or another.

[40:24] That is not this debate's purview.

[40:28] The purview is which is the better mom?

[40:32] And considering that Shelley Duvall saves her child from her axe-wielding husband whereas

[40:40] everyone seems to die otherwise in the other situation, I'm going to go with Ms. Duvall

[40:48] and her marvelous winter sweaters.

[40:54] Okay, and you have a couple extra seconds, but you're done?

[40:56] I've got so much confidence in the efficacy of this argument that I can afford to burn

[41:02] seconds.

Elliott Kalan

[41:03] Wow, that confidence, I might be insulted by it, but I also might admire it.

[41:08] So, you know, that's a dangerous gambit.

[41:10] But Stuart, now it's your turn.

[41:12] You have one minute to turn the tables on Dan and explain why Tilda Swinton in We Need

[41:18] to Talk About Kevin is the better mom.

[41:19] And your minute starts now.

Stuart Wellington

[41:22] Experience, enduring love.

[41:27] These are the qualities of the best mom.

[41:32] Tilda Swinton, and We Need to Talk About Kevin, despite all of their history, whether it's

[41:39] crossbow related or other things, still loves her child and still makes an effort to find

[41:48] some kind of connection with him, even while he's in prison.

[41:53] And to me, that is a moment of pure, perfect motherly love that even when times are tough,

[42:08] she still finds room in her heart for her son, who is probably somewhere in Hawaii beating people

[42:14] up right now.

Elliott Kalan

[42:18] Very topical.

[42:19] Stuart, that was a great argument.

[42:21] Dan, now it's time for your third part.

[42:24] This is 30 seconds.

[42:25] Tell me why Stuart's wrong and why you are still right that Shelley Duvall is the best of these

[42:30] two horror movie moms.

Dan McCoy

[42:33] Shelley Duvall, in addition to being windy, of course, in The Shining, had fairytale theater.

[42:42] Now, are they the same person?

[42:45] People can argue this.

[42:47] Scientists have not been able to come to consensus.

[42:51] But what could be better as a mom than to have your own fairytale theater where all of the

[42:59] great folktales come to life before your eyes for your amusement and edification as a child?

Elliott Kalan

[43:07] Strong argument.

[43:08] Strong argument.

[43:09] Telling up the points, though.

[43:11] I've got to say, Stuart really knocked it out of the park.

[43:14] The true test of a mother is to maintain love for their child regardless of what happens

[43:19] with the child.

[43:20] Stuart, that was an excellent argument, excellent gambit.

[43:23] By all outward signs, Shelley Duvall is a much better mother in that she saves a child

[43:28] rather than creating a monster.

[43:30] But, you know, the true measure of a mom is whether she still loves her monster.

[43:34] So, Stuart takes the lead on that one.

[43:37] The score is now 14 to 13, Stuart in the lead, but only by one point.

[43:42] And hold on a second.

[43:44] Did you just hear that didgeridoo sound effect?

[43:46] Alex, put in a didgeridoo sound effect there.

[43:54] Wow.

[43:54] Did you just hear that didgeridoo sound effect?

[43:56] I just did, yeah.

[43:57] Yeah.

[43:58] That means it's time for Scared Horror Movie Mom Australian Edition.

[44:02] That's right, guys.

[44:03] So, Stuart, you get to choose.

[44:05] And this is actually going to be our final debate.

[44:07] Okay.

[44:08] Final main debate.

[44:10] We will have a bonus round right afterwards.

[44:11] Our final main debate.

[44:12] Stuart, will you choose to argue the case of Toni Collette in Hereditary

[44:16] or Essie Davis in The Babadook?

[44:19] Who is the better mom?

[44:21] Toni Collette in Hereditary, Essie Davis in The Babadook.

[44:23] Again, this is Scared Horror Movie Mom Australian Edition.

[44:26] Who will you take the side of?

Stuart Wellington

[44:29] Oh, man.

[44:31] Gotta go with Toni Collette in Hereditary.

Elliott Kalan

[44:35] Okay.

[44:35] So, Dan, you'll be arguing the case that Essie Davis in The Babadook is the better mom,

[44:39] but not until Stuart has made his opening statement.

[44:41] Stuart, tell me why Toni Collette in Hereditary is the better mom starting now.

[44:46] You have one minute.

Stuart Wellington

[44:47] I mean, look where she comes from.

[44:50] Her mother was a Paimon-worshipping cultist who set all the dominoes up that eventually fall,

[44:58] and then we are left with this kid being, you know, with a demon inside him,

[45:03] and his little sister's head's been knocked off, and it's gross.

Elliott Kalan

[45:06] Now, not making a strong case so far.

Stuart Wellington

[45:09] What I will say is a true test of a mother is the ability to fly around and climb on walls and Klingon things and set Gabriel Byrne on fire,

[45:16] and you can't tell me otherwise.

[45:18] She can fly.

[45:18] She can do it all.

[45:19] She can cut off her own head.

[45:21] That doesn't stop her.

[45:22] She's still a mom, baby.

Elliott Kalan

[45:26] Was that the full argument?

[45:27] You have like 20 seconds left.

Stuart Wellington

[45:28] Oh, man.

[45:29] I'm only going to mess it up if I keep talking.

Elliott Kalan

[45:32] Okay.

[45:33] Well, then that's – I guess we'll prematurely end that.

[45:35] See, maybe I can tack that on to your rebuttal to Dan's rebuttal.

[45:39] I admire, yeah, the confidence of you guys just burning time at the end.

[45:42] So, Dan, it's your turn.

[45:43] You heard his argument.

[45:46] Don't leave anything on the table.

[45:47] There's a final – there's a bonus round after this, but you don't have to worry about it too much.

[45:50] So tell me, why is Essie Davis in The Babadook a better mom than Tony Klett in Hereditary?

Dan McCoy

[45:55] You have one minute.

[45:55] Well, motherhood is both a real and vital thing and it is a greater metaphor that we love in society.

[46:05] And so let's look at these movies on the metaphorical level.

[46:09] Hereditary, the message it's telling us is that evil is somehow endemic to a certain family,

[46:18] that it gets passed along through the generations.

[46:20] Is this a message that we want?

[46:22] Whereas The Babadook tells us that even though love is difficult and stressful and that we may encounter dark emotional times,

[46:32] the only way we can live is to make friends with our dark emotions,

[46:37] which is a far better emotional lesson to be drawn than some sort of bloodline curse.

[46:48] And in conclusion, The Babadook, of course, is an icon to us all.

Elliott Kalan

[46:56] Okay.

[46:57] I mean it's a strong argument in favor of the movie.

[47:00] You failed to tell me much about the mom, but I'll give you a point for some of that stuff.

[47:08] So, Stuart, now you can rebut that rebuttal.

[47:10] Tell me why is Dan wrong?

[47:12] Why is Toni Collette the better mom?

[47:15] You've already enumerated her superpowers, which is pretty impressive.

[47:19] But what else is there about her?

Stuart Wellington

[47:21] And you have 30 seconds.

[47:23] Okay.

[47:25] We're just going to talk about sheer difficulty here.

[47:28] Because Essie Davis has one super annoying kid that she has to try and keep control over.

[47:34] Toni Collette has two.

[47:35] She's got one kid that won't stop eating nuts, like quit it.

[47:39] What are you doing?

[47:40] You're allergic.

[47:41] And then you have another kid who keeps smashing his head on dust, freaking out because he's got a demon in him.

[47:46] That's two kids.

[47:47] That's double the number of difficult kids.

Elliott Kalan

[47:53] The math works out.

[47:54] The math checks out on that one.

[47:56] Yeah.

[47:57] And, okay, so we've got – I think I know my scores on that one.

[48:00] But before we go to the final scores, before I reveal them, it's time for, uh-oh, another final bonus round.

[48:08] That's right, everybody.

[48:09] We've talked a lot about moms.

[48:10] Now let's talk about what is the definition of a mom.

[48:13] So this, I want you to debate real quick.

[48:15] This is a lightning round debate where I just want you guys to spit out your arguments real fast to each other.

[48:20] And you can go multiple rounds.

[48:21] You don't have to worry about the time.

[48:22] But keep it short to like a couple sentences each.

[48:25] Just pass it back and forth.

[48:26] Here is the final bonus round.

[48:29] Mr. Mom, honorary mom.

[48:32] Now I flipped a coin.

[48:34] Dan taking the pro position.

[48:36] Yes, he is a mom.

[48:37] And Stuart taking the con position.

[48:39] No.

[48:40] So resolved.

[48:41] Mr. Mom is a mom.

[48:42] Dan taking pro and Stu taking con.

[48:45] And, Dan, you'll go first because your box is above Stu's on my screen.

Dan McCoy

[48:52] Since ginger is a construct and mom is a word for a nurturer, who is the better nurturer than Michael Keaton, America's wild man, you know, figuring out how to change a diaper, doing some sort of shenanigans probably.

[49:14] It's been a long time since I've seen Mr. Mom.

[49:17] It may seem like it's, you know, outdated, you know, gender stereotypes is what it's playing on.

[49:23] And it is.

[49:24] But it's flipping them.

[49:25] It's flipping them in the name of moving forward and showing that we all can be nurturers, including Mr. Mom.

Elliott Kalan

[49:32] Okay, Stu.

[49:33] Why tell him why he's wrong?

[49:34] Why is Mr. Mom not a mom?

Stuart Wellington

[49:39] He's not a mom because he is so much more.

[49:42] He is the alpha.

[49:43] He is the omega.

[49:44] He's the beginning of the story.

[49:46] He's the end of the story.

[49:47] He is everything all at once.

[49:50] He is the child.

[49:51] He is the parent.

[49:52] He is the grandparent.

[49:53] He is the son creating life.

[49:56] He is more than a mom.

Elliott Kalan

[49:59] Okay, Dan, tell him, you each get one more round, Dan.

[50:04] Bro.

[50:04] I mean, you both kind of said that he is a mom.

[50:06] But Dan, so tell me, are you against Stu?

Dan McCoy

[50:10] I guess he's just a mom is what you're arguing and not the all things.

[50:13] Checkmate.

[50:14] If something is all things, then it is also a mom.

[50:17] And Stuart has already admitted that Michael Keaton in Mr. Mom is everything.

[50:25] And thus, I mean, he's a multiplicity, if you will.

[50:28] He is a good mom, a bad mom, a mom that doesn't know what the name of the other moms are.

[50:36] You know, read the paper this morning.

[50:39] You know, see the stories about the Birdman and the Batman.

[50:45] Keep tying in.

Elliott Kalan

[50:46] Put a spotlight on.

[50:47] Give me more Michael Keaton titles.

[50:49] I love it.

[50:50] I heard spotlight.

[50:51] That was good.

[50:52] Throw some more in.

Dan McCoy

[50:53] Drink a little Beetlejuice and say, gung ho.

[50:56] He's cleaning sober now.

[51:00] You know, because Batman returns.

[51:02] Guys, he leaves, but he comes back just like a mom.

Elliott Kalan

[51:08] Okay.

[51:08] Stu, do you have any more Michael Keaton titles that Dan didn't mention that you want to get out there?

Stuart Wellington

[51:13] In addition to being your creator, Michael Keaton is also a destroyer.

[51:17] And I ask you this.

[51:18] Can a mom truly be a destroyer?

[51:20] I don't think so.

[51:21] He has created a home.

[51:23] He destroys the home.

[51:24] When the washing machine goes crazy.

[51:27] Yeah.

[51:30] It becomes a money pit.

[51:32] Wait, was he in the money pit?

[51:33] No, that's Tom Hanks.

Elliott Kalan

[51:35] That's a Tom Hanks movie.

[51:36] All right.

[51:36] So that's the end of that bonus round.

[51:39] Well, Dan got that point.

[51:40] Which means, oh, guys, you're going to get mad at me.

[51:45] It's a tie.

[51:46] 16 points to 16 points.

[51:48] You have totally tied.

[51:50] You are equally amazing debaters, master debaters, if you will.

[51:54] And I hope everyone listening can salute these two master debaters who have showed us such a wonderful, wonderful example of master debating tonight.

[52:04] The saddest thing is that I didn't think of it until just now.

Dan McCoy

[52:08] Or else I would have tied it in earlier.

[52:10] No, no, no.

[52:11] I am.

[52:13] This is the best of all possible outcomes.

[52:15] I share the victory and the defeat with my friend Stuart.

[52:19] You should both be very proud.

Stuart Wellington

[52:20] The best outcome would be Dan, my greatest hater, defeating me.

[52:24] So I then grind harder and better.

[52:26] So I become the best debater in all the land.

[52:28] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[52:29] Well, keep working at it because I've got a feeling that Mansplain, the game of mansplaining debate between two men, you guys,

[52:36] will return at some later date should I think of a theme for it.

[52:42] Thank you so much for joining us.

[52:43] So, Dan and Stuart, you've shared the joy, the pride, the shame, and the glory of being debaters tonight.

[52:50] And I want to thank you listening to this at home or wherever you are.

[52:54] Open your eyes now.

[52:54] It's no longer night.

[52:56] The bright sun, the bright light of a sunshiny day is shining to the windows.

[53:00] And now you've been reinvigorated by this burst of intellectual combat, this analytical post and reposting, this war of cerebellums that we've heard tonight.

[53:15] But it's not night where you are.

[53:17] Now it's day.

[53:18] We've heard today.

[53:20] And with that behind us, motivating us, how can we not make it through the fog of the modern into the promise of tomorrow?

[53:29] Drive into the garage.

Dan McCoy

[53:31] Just pull the car off and park it.

Elliott Kalan

[53:35] And so I want to thank you for listening.

[53:37] I want to thank the Maximum Fun Network, to which we are a member of.

[53:39] Please listen to other Maximum Fun shows.

[53:41] They have a lot of very good ones.

[53:42] I'd like to thank our producer and editor, Alex.

[53:46] Dan, what's his – how do you spell his handle, Howell Dottie?

Dan McCoy

[53:50] Howell Dottie.

[53:51] It's H-O and the word well.

[53:54] And Dottie is D-A-W-D-Y, I believe.

[54:00] I believe you're –

[54:01] Wait, maybe there might be another W in there.

[54:03] It's good enough.

Elliott Kalan

[54:03] It's good enough.

[54:03] They'll figure it out.

[54:04] Nice work.

[54:05] Thank you, Alex.

[54:06] I hope you put that didgeridoo sound in earlier when I asked you to.

[54:09] I want to thank Dan and Stuart for being my contestants.

[54:13] You can find us online at theflophousepod on Twitter.

[54:17] And I guess there's a Facebook group and stuff.

[54:20] And there's – Dan, what's our website?

Dan McCoy

[54:21] It's flophousepodcast.com.

Elliott Kalan

[54:24] Please join us next week as we will be talking about a movie.

[54:27] And then the week after that, as we have another mini.

[54:29] And the week after that, as we have another movie.

[54:31] Ad infinitum.

[54:32] Until the end of the universe.

[54:33] And the big crunch when the Big Bang reverses and everything goes back into being a tiny particle.

[54:38] Thank you very much.

[54:39] I've been Elliot Kalin.

[54:40] I've been Dan McCoy.

[54:42] And I'm still Stuart Wellington.

[54:44] Saying good debating to you.

Dan McCoy

[54:49] I don't know about that.

Elliott Kalan

[54:55] It's ironic.

Stuart Wellington

[54:55] That's the irony of it.

[54:57] Yeah.

[54:57] Don't you think?

[54:58] Oh, Alanis.

[55:00] Call her up.

[55:01] Talking about Canadians.

[55:03] She's the new Guinness Book of Records.

Elliott Kalan

[55:05] She's the Guinness Book of Ironic Records.

[55:07] Guinness Book of Ironic Records.

[55:09] Guinness Book of Ironic Records.

[55:11] Iranis Alanis.

[55:13] That's the Latin name for it.

[55:15] It's Iranis Alanis.

[55:16] It's an ancient tome about what is and what is not ironic.

[55:20] Let me crack open my copy of the Iranis Alanis.

[55:24] And I open it up and ghosts float out saying, spoons, thousand forks, rain on wedding day.

[55:31] Blow this ironic dust off of here.

Dan McCoy

[55:34] The Alana Namicon.

Elliott Kalan

[55:37] The Alana Namicon tells you what things to put in your hand when the other one is in your pocket.

[55:42] So that you can summon demons.

[55:45] Qua to Alanis Nicktu.

[55:48] This ironic thing is that you shouldn't ought to know these dark secrets.

[55:54] MaximumFun.org.

Dan McCoy

[55:56] Comedy and culture.

[55:57] Artist owned.

[55:59] Audience supported.

FH Mini 54 - Happy Belated Mother's Day

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