Ep.#371 - The King's Daughter

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss the king's daughter.

Stuart Wellington

[0:04] Does this princess become a bride?

[0:07] We'll see.

[0:10] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[0:10] Mine was also princess bride related.

[0:30] Hey, everyone.

Dan McCoy

[0:39] Welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:41] I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:44] Uh-oh.

[0:45] Evil Dan McCoy's here.

[0:46] I guess a good steward is going to say, hi, it's me, Stuart Wellington.

[0:49] Yeah, that's actually Wa-Dan, the evil version of Dan.

[0:52] Oh, no.

[0:53] What's his color?

[0:54] What's the color of his outfit?

[0:55] Beige.

[0:56] Beige.

[0:57] Okay.

[0:57] What's good Dan's outfit?

[0:59] Beige.

[1:00] Oh, wow.

[1:01] They share clothes because they're the same size.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:05] Hey, what's different about this episode, everybody?

[1:08] It's about the king's daughter?

Dan McCoy

[1:10] No, we're in the same room, dummy.

[1:12] Oh, right, right, right, right.

[1:14] I think you got to call me dummy.

[1:15] Sorry.

[1:16] I mean, come on.

[1:16] I'm talking to Wa-Dan, the evil Dan there.

[1:18] Oh, yeah.

[1:19] Yeah, we're all in the same room.

[1:20] Elliot is in town due to personal business.

[1:23] I was officiating a wedding.

[1:26] Personal business.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26] I wasn't tracking down my target.

[1:30] So, you probably take him out for the contract that the Median cartel has put on.

[1:35] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:36] So, you know, he made the time.

[1:38] He made the time to come over to my apartment where now I have two cats for him to sneeze at.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43] And I'm looking at a clock in the shape of a cat and there's like drawings and pillows of cats around.

Dan McCoy

[1:47] It's true.

[1:48] This is a very cat-centered decoration scheme in this immediate area.

Stuart Wellington

[1:55] That's mainly to put Elliot on his back feet so he can't take control of the podcast like he usually does.

[2:00] Now, this is a podcast where we talk about movies in Topeka, Kansas.

[2:03] Okay.

[2:04] Yep.

[2:04] Thanks for covering both.

[2:07] Will we talk about both?

[2:08] Who knows?

[2:08] We'll find out.

[2:09] Yeah.

[2:10] I'm Stuart Wellington of the Flophouse.

[2:11] Joining me today is...

Dan McCoy

[2:12] Wait.

[2:13] We did this part.

[2:15] We're so unused to being in the same spot.

[2:18] They call him Dan Bitblocker McCoy.

[2:22] My doctor prescribed some Bitblockers.

Elliott Kalan

[2:25] That's good because your arteries get full of bits.

[2:27] Yeah.

[2:28] It's called comedy heart.

Dan McCoy

[2:29] You just got loose bits floating around inside there.

[2:34] Yeah, yeah.

[2:34] We talk about movies.

[2:36] Movies that have gotten critical or commercial drubbing.

[2:39] In this case, both.

[2:41] Yeah, this showed up on a lot of worst of the year lists, this one.

[2:45] Yeah.

[2:45] The King's Daughter.

[2:46] Which year was that?

[2:48] Last, was it?

[2:49] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[2:49] Last year.

[2:50] That's a good question because it's a movie that was supposed to have been released years

[2:53] ago.

[2:53] Yeah.

[2:54] And it's been in development for roughly 20 some odd years.

[2:57] Mm-hmm.

[2:57] And for some reason...

[2:58] And it shows.

[2:59] Yeah.

[3:00] It managed to climb its way out of the grave and onto America's movie screens.

[3:06] Yeah.

[3:06] All due to the amazing superpower of Chinese financing.

[3:10] This movie has the most Chinese money in it of any movie made outside of China.

[3:15] Really?

[3:16] That's what I read.

[3:17] That is odd.

[3:17] Or at least any studio movie made outside of China.

Dan McCoy

[3:19] Because I'm sure we'll get into it, but the mermaid is played by a Chinese actress.

[3:26] It's Fan Binggang.

[3:27] Yeah.

[3:27] But they westernize her features through the CGI, which is very strange on obviously many

[3:34] levels.

Elliott Kalan

[3:34] Well, it feels like it...

[3:35] Yes.

[3:35] I mean, there's a lot of things that are off about this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[3:38] To the point that she appears to be an entirely CGI character, right?

[3:42] Yeah.

[3:42] I think it is a CGI character that...

[3:45] So what is she...

[3:46] I think they Robert Zemeckis did.

[3:48] What's her...

[3:48] Oh, so it's like a green screen?

[3:51] I think it's a...

[3:51] Where's Mo Cap suit?

Elliott Kalan

[3:52] Yes, Mo Cap as opposed to Larry Cap or Curly Cap, which are the brothers of Mo Cap.

[3:57] Well, Larry was not a brother of Mo.

Dan McCoy

[3:59] Or Snow Caps, which are non-pareils.

[4:01] They're crunchy little chocolates.

Stuart Wellington

[4:04] Or Andy Cap, who's just a misunderstood hot fries peddler.

[4:08] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[4:09] Misunderstood.

[4:09] You think he and his pet would live in a nicer apartment since he has that hot fries?

[4:14] Millions behind him.

[4:15] Yeah, he just spends it all at the bar.

[4:17] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[4:17] Oh, that's why no wonder she's hitting it with that solid gold.

[4:18] Man, to have a customer like Andy Cap.

[4:21] Oh, every bar owner's fantasy.

[4:23] You're putting my kids through college.

Elliott Kalan

[4:25] All you have to do is roll him home at the end of the night.

[4:27] So this movie...

[4:29] No, this movie felt very much like it is a Chinese producer attempt to break into the

[4:34] Western market with something that is kind of like if The Princess Bride was bad.

[4:39] That's kind of what they're going for.

Dan McCoy

[4:42] And they took most of the jokes out.

Elliott Kalan

[4:44] Yeah, it doesn't really have jokes.

[4:45] Yes, there's no jokes.

[4:46] There's a sense of the characters not being interesting or hanging together.

[4:51] But we'll get into it.

[4:52] But you expect more because it was directed by Dan.

Dan McCoy

[4:55] Sean McNamara, who we know, of course, from Bratz, the movie Bratz.

[5:00] He directed Bratz.

[5:00] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[5:01] Longtime Flaphouse favorite.

[5:02] Of course, he also is most famous for The Three Ninjas, High Noon at Mega Mountain, starring

[5:06] Terry Hulk Hogan.

[5:07] Yeah, he did some cats and dogs.

[5:09] He drops a banger like Bratz.

Stuart Wellington

[5:12] And then he could just retire at that point.

[5:15] Coast on that Bratz money.

[5:17] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[5:18] But this movie, it's weird to say this, but it shows none of the snap and vigor of Bratz.

Dan McCoy

[5:24] I mean, say what you will about Bratz, a movie that I've come around to thinking not only

[5:30] is kind of a good, bad movie, but might actually be kind of fun.

[5:33] It moves quickly.

[5:35] This movie is barely over 90 minutes.

[5:38] Yeah, it jumps like two years.

Elliott Kalan

[5:39] And it is slow as molasses.

[5:41] Yeah.

[5:42] There's one cut that covers two years of time.

[5:45] Not since 2001, A Space Odyssey covered millions of years of human evolution in one cut.

[5:50] And so this movie, it's based on the novel The Moon and the Sun, which actually-

[5:55] Vague title.

[5:56] Won the Nebula Award.

[5:57] It actually-

Stuart Wellington

[5:57] Asks questions.

[5:58] Does the book answer?

Elliott Kalan

[6:00] It won the Nebula Award for Best Novel in 1998, beating out a book called A Game of Thrones.

[6:05] Apparently not as good as the book that this movie is based on.

[6:08] So how do you feel about that, Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[6:11] Wait a minute.

[6:13] It beat out A Game of Thrones.

[6:15] For The Nebula for Best Novel.

[6:17] Yeah.

[6:17] Okay.

[6:17] Well, I mean, let's see.

[6:20] And then the adaptation was better also.

[6:21] Doesn't sound like there's any wildlings in this book.

Dan McCoy

[6:24] I read about the book.

[6:27] The book seems substantially different.

[6:29] Yes, very different.

[6:30] As is usually the case in such things.

Elliott Kalan

[6:32] I'm willing to bet that the book is much better than the movie.

[6:34] What happened to the movie?

Dan McCoy

[6:36] I mean, it would have to be.

Elliott Kalan

[6:37] Well, not necessarily, but it probably is.

[6:40] Let's jump into the movie, shall we, fellows?

[6:42] Yes.

[6:43] So the movie begins with on-screen text telling us that it's the year 1684 and King Louis XIV

[6:48] of France wants to live forever.

[6:50] So he sent an expedition to find Atlantis and the secret of immortality.

[6:53] Cut to a big book that says The King's Daughter and a voiceover from, I think, Julie Andrews

[6:58] that tells us the exact same information.

Dan McCoy

[7:00] Well, this Julie Andrews narration is one of the things that got added later in the process

[7:07] from my research.

[7:10] I think this movie actually passed from one production company to another.

[7:15] And I think that it was-

Elliott Kalan

[7:16] At one point, it was going to be a Jim Henson production.

[7:18] Not Jim Henson the person, but Jim Henson production.

[7:20] Well, that was the earliest.

[7:21] It was going to be a DreamWorks movie at one point, I think, or a Disney movie.

[7:25] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[7:25] So, yeah, as I approach the judges' table, I say, okay, so I present here a duo of exposition.

[7:31] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[7:33] Exposition two ways.

[7:34] Two ways.

[7:35] And the judges, they're like, you're not giving us anything new with these two ways.

[7:40] It's just fried fish and baked fish, but they taste the same.

Dan McCoy

[7:43] It was also like, literally, I don't think since the sort of, you know, classic period of

[7:49] Disney animation, have I, I don't know if I've seen a movie that starts with book being opened,

[7:55] you know, with title of movie narration explaining book, you know, it felt very old sort of fairy

[8:04] tale.

[8:04] Well, isn't that how Superbad opens?

[8:06] Yeah.

[8:07] The big leather-bound book that says Superbad?

[8:07] Let me tell you the tale of Superbad.

[8:12] That book says it's Superbad.

Stuart Wellington

[8:14] No, no, no.

[8:15] No, it's actually bad meaning good.

[8:16] I think the marketing team would have done another pass on this one.

Elliott Kalan

[8:21] And so Julie Andrews tells us, I assume from the line at the bank where she's cashing the

[8:27] check, that this is the story about Marie Joseph.

[8:31] She's the titular king's daughter.

[8:32] She's a secret daughter.

[8:33] She doesn't even know the king is her dad.

Stuart Wellington

[8:35] Yeah, because normally if you hear the name king's daughter, you're like, that's a princess.

[8:38] I don't know why they're going through all this rigmarole.

[8:40] Well, it turns out she's a bastard.

[8:41] Yeah, she's, well, yes.

[8:43] A natural daughter.

[8:43] Or a best-ditch, as Lobo would say.

[8:46] Thank you.

Dan McCoy

[8:47] Yeah, for all the Lobo fans out there, just to put it in terms they understand.

[8:50] I mean, this is one of the changes from the book that I was able to see.

[8:54] That, like, in the book, no relation to the king.

Elliott Kalan

[8:57] In the book, there is no king's daughter.

[8:58] Yes, exactly.

[8:59] She's just a lady.

[9:00] Fundamentally different.

[9:01] And she's played by Kaya Scotelario, an actress I'm not really familiar with.

Dan McCoy

[9:06] Not familiar, but I think she does a good, like, I think that there are a few good, like,

[9:09] acting performances in this.

[9:11] And they're stuck in a movie that was never going to be rescued by anything.

[9:14] But I think that she puts in her best effort.

[9:18] She's fine.

[9:18] I think she's, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[9:19] So she's a young woman.

[9:20] She's living at a convent run by the evil head abbess Rachel Griffiths, Academy Award nominee,

[9:26] Hillary and Jackie.

[9:27] Yeah.

[9:28] And the head abbess is horrified that Marie is always running off to go swim in the unholy sea.

[9:32] The devil's water.

[9:33] Maybe it's just because I just read a big chunk of Elric stories.

[9:37] But the idea of an unholy sea is so much more interesting than anything in the movie.

Dan McCoy

[9:41] Well, also, this sets me up to believe, like, that this movie is going to take a strong anti-religion hand.

[9:47] Because, like, clearly, you know, like, to be like, oh, you can't swim because of God.

[9:52] Like, that's, like, that's pretty bad.

Elliott Kalan

[9:54] But then later on, like.

[9:55] It's so, the movie becomes so anti-science and pro-religion.

[9:58] Yeah.

[9:59] We'll get to it.

Stuart Wellington

[10:00] And also, this set up, having recently watched Benedetta, I'm like, oh, this is going to be good.

Elliott Kalan

[10:05] Oh, baby.

[10:06] It doesn't stay in the convent too long.

[10:08] But I was like, this movie gets so anti-science.

[10:12] It's like that Chinese dance show that advertises everywhere in L.A.

[10:16] I don't know what you're talking about.

[10:17] Shen Yun?

[10:17] Shen Yun, yeah, yeah.

[10:18] Where they sing songs about how evolution is bad.

[10:20] But anyway, so.

Stuart Wellington

[10:21] That's the craziest thing about, like, I've seen ads for Shen Yun all the time.

[10:25] Like, all the time I've been in New York, every year.

[10:28] But recently, they've been changing the pitch is now, see China before communism.

[10:34] And I'm like, oof.

[10:36] Gross.

Elliott Kalan

[10:38] So, meanwhile, in the court of the king of France, King Louis XIV, Pierce Brosnan.

[10:45] And this begins the, or I guess continues the movie's theme of having French characters played by people from the British Isles or Ireland.

[10:55] Where it's like, there's almost no French people.

[10:57] And except for Pierce Brosnan and John Hurt.

[11:01] There's no one doing a. . .

[11:03] William Hurt.

[11:03] William Hurt, sorry, William Hurt.

[11:04] John Hurt.

[11:05] Oh, what a performance that would have been.

[11:07] Oh, that would have been great.

[11:07] But he passed away before the movie was made as opposed to William Hurt who passed away after the movie was made.

[11:11] But nobody is attempting to do a French accent.

[11:14] So you have all these people with English accents, including the titular king's daughter, running around France.

[11:18] And it's ridiculous.

[11:19] Okay, so anyway.

[11:20] King Louis, he's just returned from a very expensive war.

[11:23] He's an orangutan.

[11:25] He wants the secret of man's red fire.

[11:29] And he's giving a speech and he gets shot.

[11:34] And he survives the shooting.

[11:36] But it makes him wonder about his own mortality.

[11:38] And I'll just mention, this actually happened to Teddy Roosevelt.

[11:41] And he didn't go around killing mermaids to become immortal.

[11:43] He just dealt with it.

[11:45] So thank you, Teddy Roosevelt.

[11:47] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[11:47] Men will kill mermaids to avoid going to therapy.

[11:50] You know what I mean?

[11:50] Yeah, I do know what you mean.

Elliott Kalan

[11:51] But it's also, if there was ever a guy who was going to go out and kill a mermaid, you'd think it would be Teddy Roosevelt.

[11:55] He killed every other type of animal.

Stuart Wellington

[11:57] Yeah, he'd be so excited.

[11:57] So end a person once.

[11:59] Also, I like that the speech he's giving is to a crowd of like ten people and one of them has a gun.

Elliott Kalan

[12:05] And so King Louis talks to his head priest, Pierre Lachez, the inventor, I assume, of the chair of the same name.

[12:12] The lounge.

[12:13] And that's William Hurt in what I assume is his last role.

[12:15] I don't know of any other ones.

[12:16] It was his last role released.

Dan McCoy

[12:17] I don't know whether he did.

Elliott Kalan

[12:18] Because it was made so long ago that he might have done other ones.

[12:21] And he's talking to Pierre Lachez and Dr. Labarth, played by Pablo Schreiber.

[12:25] And Labarth tells him that there's a –

Stuart Wellington

[12:28] That's a Nick Sabatka.

[12:29] You got a Nick Sabatka in your movie.

[12:31] He knows a thing or two about water.

Elliott Kalan

[12:34] He's worked the ports.

[12:35] I mean his dad is really the one who knows.

[12:37] Oh, no, his uncle is really the one who knows about it.

[12:39] And if only he was his uncle's son instead of that wastrel Ziggy.

[12:43] Yeah.

[12:44] Always causing trouble and showing off his penis.

[12:47] I feel like wastrel is like the shorthand for that character.

[12:50] Yeah.

[12:51] So that's a lot of Wire Season 2 talk for the king's honor that they shouldn't have cast Pablo Schreiber.

[12:56] And so Labarth tells the king there's a sea creature who has the secret of eternal life.

[13:01] So now we see this Atlantis expedition.

[13:03] It's led by Captain Eves, returning flop star Benjamin Walker.

Stuart Wellington

[13:06] Yeah, Benjamin Walker.

[13:08] He was in what?

[13:09] He was in Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter.

[13:11] He was.

Dan McCoy

[13:11] Also, he looks like a combination of like de-aged Pablo Pascal and Liam Neeson.

[13:18] Yeah, I can see that.

[13:18] And I looked it up.

[13:19] He actually played young Liam Neeson in Kinsey.

Elliott Kalan

[13:22] He also, he's also known for.

[13:24] When young Liam Neeson goes to talk to Alfred Kinsey for his report.

Stuart Wellington

[13:30] He also, he, on stage I think he was Andrew Jackson in Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson.

Elliott Kalan

[13:36] Well, that's a great segue to our new segment, The Great White Way Too Much, hosted by me, Elliot Kalin.

[13:42] Dan and Stuart, can you guess how many actors in this movie I have seen perform on stage in the live theater?

[13:49] Okay.

[13:50] I'm going to say five.

[13:51] You've gone over.

[13:52] That seems high.

[13:53] I'm going with three.

[13:57] Okay.

[13:58] You went over two.

[13:59] The answer is actually two as far as I know.

[14:01] I saw Benjamin Walker in the original public theater version of Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson before it moved to Broadway and failed.

[14:08] And I also saw Pablo Schreiber in a 2006 Broadway revival of Clifford Odette's Awake and Sing.

[14:14] And this is where we get the way too much information section.

[14:17] Sorry.

[14:17] I was.

[14:19] You're like, no, no, no, Elliot.

[14:21] Don't say it.

[14:21] It's because a cat was coming up behind me.

[14:23] I assumed to attack me.

[14:24] I was trying to distract my cat from Elliot.

Dan McCoy

[14:26] Elliot's a sleepwalker.

[14:27] As you know.

[14:28] Wait, I'm not done with my story.

[14:29] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[14:29] This show, Awake and Sing, featuring Pablo Schreiber, was the show that my now wife's parents took me to when I first met them.

[14:39] So they came into New York to see their daughter and see this new amazing guy she was dating.

[14:43] That guy was me.

[14:45] Because we're all Jews, we went to go see Awake and Sing on Broadway, the story of a Jewish Lower East

[14:49] family.

[14:49] And Pablo Schreiber was in it.

[14:51] So that's two people in this movie that, as far as I know, I've seen on stage live.

Stuart Wellington

[14:55] Now, wasn't Benjamin Walker was also Patrick Bateman in the American Psycho musical, right?

[15:00] Yes, I believe so.

[15:01] And I believe he was married for a while to Mamie Gomer, Meryl Streep's daughter.

[15:07] And then he-

Elliott Kalan

[15:08] Her daughter with Louie Gomer.

Stuart Wellington

[15:09] Yep.

[15:09] The Texas Republic.

[15:11] Yep.

[15:11] The Texas Republic.

Dan McCoy

[15:12] Pronounced differently as well.

Stuart Wellington

[15:15] I'm not expected to pronounce every name right.

[15:18] And then, but they got a divorce and he is now married to, that's right, the king's daughter

[15:23] herself, Cara Scaleri or whatever her name is.

Elliott Kalan

[15:26] Oh, did they fall in love while making this movie?

[15:28] It said they got married in 2016, so I'm assuming yes.

[15:30] So yeah, I think so.

[15:31] So this was a real, what was it, Dream House, the movie that, or Bad House, the movie that

[15:35] Rachel Weisz and James Bond fell in love on?

[15:39] Mm-hmm.

[15:40] Uh-huh.

Stuart Wellington

[15:40] Daniel Craig is called.

[15:41] Daniel Craig.

[15:42] I mean, I can only assume that Daniel Craig was in love with Rachel Weisz since the moment

[15:46] he saw her.

[15:46] Oh, yeah.

[15:46] And then they finally were able to-

[15:48] Yeah, we all are.

[15:49] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[15:49] So anyway, we see this Atlantic exhibition featuring Andrew Jackson, Abraham Lincoln himself, Benjamin

[15:54] Walker.

[15:55] He's throwing exploding barrels into the sea during a storm.

[15:59] I'm not sure how this is helping them to catch a live mermaid, but they do.

[16:02] They catch-

[16:03] That's what we call mermaid bait.

[16:04] You see, the mermaids eat explosions.

[16:06] Yeah, yeah.

[16:07] That's how they stay young forever.

[16:09] And they catch a female mermaid, they throw the mail away.

[16:12] They let it swim away.

[16:14] It's useless to them.

[16:14] But we don't really see the mermaids yet.

[16:16] Their visuals have been hidden from us.

[16:18] You know, we just see they've caught something, something murderous.

[16:21] But yeah, they're also dangerous, yeah.

[16:23] Yeah, yeah.

[16:23] They're totally dangerous.

[16:23] These aren't your daddy's mermaids.

[16:24] No.

[16:25] In fact, I mean, they're-

[16:26] I mean, there are pretty much-

Dan McCoy

[16:27] Traditionally, mermaids are dangerous.

[16:29] So I guess they-

[16:30] They lure sailors to their death with firens.

[16:31] Then I guess they're not your daddy's mermaid in the way that they're dangerous.

[16:33] Just like manatees?

[16:34] Just like manatees.

Elliott Kalan

[16:35] People think manatees are mermaids because they're always luring sailors to their death.

[16:37] To be fair, there's a lot of woodcuts where you can notice that back in that day, manatees

[16:41] wore a lot more makeup.

[16:42] Oh, I get it.

[16:43] And they'd go, yoo-hoo!

[16:45] Lover boy!

[16:48] And so they would lure sailors to the rocks.

[16:50] Yeah.

[16:51] So anyway, and also, you know what?

[16:53] People make fun.

[16:54] They're like, the sailors looked at manatees and thought they were mermaids.

[16:57] You know what?

[16:58] If they're attracted to manatees, I'm not going to kink shame them.

[17:02] If that's what they're into.

[17:03] You know, my friends always made fun of me because when I was younger, I liked mermaids

[17:07] that look like manatees.

[17:07] But now I love my manatee mermaid wife.

Dan McCoy

[17:10] Yeah, Ellie's finally taking a stand.

[17:11] I'm a hero.

Stuart Wellington

[17:11] As a man who has admitted that he would get murdered by a species, I feel like if I was

[17:17] into manatees, I would totally kill myself, throw myself up a boat.

[17:20] No, I want to clarify for the listener.

[17:21] You'd crash on the rocks.

Dan McCoy

[17:22] It means, of course-

[17:23] Natasha Henstridge.

[17:24] Natasha Henstridge, the alien from Species.

[17:26] I don't know just any species that exists.

Stuart Wellington

[17:30] Yeah, Species, the character, the alien.

[17:32] Yeah.

[17:33] Despite Species.

[17:35] Despite all the red flags.

Elliott Kalan

[17:36] I want to see the sitcom that's called Species Roommate and it's like, Species, did you take

[17:43] a man home last night?

[17:45] Maybe.

[17:45] And eat him?

[17:47] Maybe.

Dan McCoy

[17:48] I am not cleaning the blood out of your blankets again.

Elliott Kalan

[17:53] Species.

[17:54] And it's because the roommate has a crush on Species and doesn't like that she's always

[17:57] bringing home other people.

Stuart Wellington

[17:59] So anyway, so-

[18:01] So will they, won't they, until the final episode of the first season-

[18:04] When she eats him.

[18:05] Yeah, when she eats him, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[18:06] Then they recast him.

[18:08] So just like in Bewitched when she murdered him for a sacrificial right.

[18:15] Yeah.

[18:16] She ate the heart of the first Darren and they had to replace him.

[18:18] So Dr. Labarth tells the king that if they sacrifice the mermaid during eclipse, and in the book

[18:23] apparently he has to eat the flesh of the mermaid, but here it's not quite clear how they're

[18:27] going to transfer the immortality of the mermaid to the king.

Dan McCoy

[18:29] By the end of the movie, you know, they're shooting at the mermaid in the ocean.

[18:35] Yeah.

[18:36] It's like, I guess just as we kill it during this time span, it's cool.

Elliott Kalan

[18:38] And I guess the mermaid's soul will leap out and the king just has to run up and catch

[18:42] it before somebody else can get it.

[18:44] So Dr. Labarth, he says, if we sacrifice the mermaid during the eclipse that's coming

[18:47] up, they can transfer its eternal life to him.

[18:49] And Father Lachez is like, I don't like this plan.

[18:52] And he, I guess as part of his plan to stop the mermaid, to stop the mermaid stuff, he goes

[18:57] to the convent and gets Marie Joseph and brings her to the court of Versailles.

[19:02] She doesn't know that she's the king's daughter.

[19:04] She thinks she's being brought there to be a new court musician.

[19:07] And she is in awe of Versailles.

[19:09] And who wouldn't be?

[19:09] And they shot it at Versailles, which is amazing.

Dan McCoy

[19:12] If there's any reason to see this movie and it's doubtful, it might be that, yeah, they

[19:17] shot it at Versailles.

[19:18] Although then they populated it with a bunch of people wearing just seemingly like random

[19:23] flashy clothes from the past.

[19:25] It does not look like clothes of the time.

[19:28] It looks like they just were like, I mean, some people look like they're flappers.

[19:32] Like if this movie was clearer.

Elliott Kalan

[19:33] It looks like Versailles was populated by vampires.

Dan McCoy

[19:35] And they're all from different time periods where they go out and party.

[19:38] Yeah.

[19:38] Well, and if this movie is clearer about its intentions, like-

[19:41] It does feel like a LARP, basically.

[19:44] Acceptable because it's like, is this trying to do like, I don't know, like a Baz Luhrmann

[19:50] thing where it doesn't matter.

Elliott Kalan

[19:51] Or like a Marie Antoinette.

[19:54] Marie Antoinette.

[19:54] Yeah.

[19:54] Where it's like, we're deliberately mixing times because we want to give you the impression

[19:58] of what it was like.

[19:59] But it's the only way that that comes out is in the people at Versailles.

[20:02] Yeah.

[20:02] It just feels messy.

[20:03] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[20:03] Like some guys have short hair.

[20:05] Other guys, mainly Pierce Brosnan, have long, beautiful flowing hair that's just constantly

[20:10] caught by the wind and the light.

[20:12] And it looks amazing.

Elliott Kalan

[20:13] Yeah.

[20:13] And so King Louis, he gets woken up every morning with a orchestra, or a small orchestra,

[20:18] like a quintet, playing for him.

[20:20] And he yells, he just, this is my favorite moment when he wakes up and goes, boring!

[20:23] Because he thinks the music is boring.

[20:25] And he tries to confess to-

[20:28] Where's that new sound I've been looking for?

[20:30] Listen thee to this.

[20:32] And so he tries to confess to William Hurt, his father confessor, but he can't even remember

[20:37] which woman he had sex with last night.

[20:39] And Lachey has to correct him.

[20:42] And meanwhile, Marie gets brought to her small room at Versailles, which she's enchanted

[20:46] by, and she meets Margulie, her attendant.

[20:48] In the book, this character, I guess, is a slave who is trying to get her freedom.

[20:52] But here, that's not touched on at all.

[20:55] Yeah.

[20:55] And later, Marie will be brought to a better room.

[20:59] And I'm like, why didn't you just cut straight to the chase and have her brought to that room

[21:02] at the beginning?

[21:03] I don't know why the extra room.

[21:05] So anyway, it's the king's birthday, and this really annoys him because it just reminds

[21:09] him of his mortality, that he's getting older.

[21:11] And he still needs that mermaid to make her freedom.

[21:12] But he looks great.

[21:13] But he looks fantastic.

[21:14] And he meets Lintillac, or Lintia, or something like that.

[21:18] He's a young heir to a lace fortune who has a lot of money.

[21:20] And the king is like, I need that money because that war really put us in debt.

[21:24] This is back in the era when nations didn't really have budgets.

[21:29] It was all based around whatever finances the king could steal away from everybody else.

[21:34] And royalty was always – and countries were always running out of money.

[21:37] And they hadn't realized about debt financing.

[21:39] A lot of modern-day mercantile budgetary financing just wasn't there.

[21:43] So anyway, the court is all –

Dan McCoy

[21:45] Thank you for that hardcore history.

Elliott Kalan

[21:47] Well, because it's a big plot development that he needs this lace heir's money to keep the country afloat.

[21:53] I know.

[21:53] And it's like, well, why don't you just do the things countries do?

[21:55] Like, I don't understand.

[21:56] Yeah.

[21:56] But the court is all – it's all preening.

[21:58] They're all dressed up like they're – yeah, they're trust fund kids going to like an antiquated club or something like that.

Dan McCoy

[22:04] Their idea of what a Versailles-themed party would be.

Stuart Wellington

[22:08] Yeah.

[22:08] I mean, and I would – like, I would have expected a larger wig budget.

[22:12] But that's okay.

[22:12] That's fine.

Elliott Kalan

[22:13] It pretty much went to Pierce Brosnan's wig.

[22:15] Yeah.

[22:16] Yeah.

[22:17] And everyone's –

[22:18] Wait, that was a wig?

[22:19] I hate to bring it to you.

[22:21] Everyone's gossiping about Marie because she just dresses plainly.

[22:24] And they're like, what's her deal?

[22:25] And meanwhile, the king thunders around on a horse in slow motion.

[22:28] Oh, that's great.

[22:29] And he startles her into falling into a fountain.

[22:31] And Lintiak, or whatever it's pronounced, Lintilak or Lintilou.

[22:37] It's French.

[22:37] Just re-pronounce it a million times.

[22:39] Yeah.

[22:41] He helps her out of the fountain and seems instantly smitten.

[22:44] And so Marie is hired as the new court composer, and she gets a fancy apartment.

[22:48] This is great.

[22:49] And meanwhile, the mermaid is being kept prisoner in a sort of underground steampunk cavern.

[22:54] It's pretty cool.

[22:55] And it's like a lair.

[22:57] It's very much a lair, and it supplies for size fountains with all their water.

Stuart Wellington

[23:00] Yeah, it definitely feels like a part of a level in an Uncharted game where I'm like, how do I figure out this fucking puzzle?

[23:07] Okay, do I got to push that box onto this other fucking thing?

Dan McCoy

[23:12] How do I push the box onto the water wheel?

[23:15] Will that then stop it?

[23:17] Or will it maybe the box will fall over?

Elliott Kalan

[23:19] How am I going to time all these jumps under all these fountains?

[23:23] So Father Lachey is on the king.

[23:25] They go down to stare at the sad mermaid, which won't eat.

[23:27] And the king commands Benjamin Walker, Captain Eves.

[23:29] You keep it alive, or else I'll throw you in jail.

[23:31] And it's like, is he going to – I guess he's got to force – do an animal force feed on this mermaid.

[23:36] But where do you find the butt?

[23:37] I don't understand.

[23:37] It's a mermaid.

Stuart Wellington

[23:38] That's true.

[23:39] That's a good question.

[23:40] Listeners, why don't you write in?

Dan McCoy

[23:41] Tell us where the butt is.

[23:42] It seems like they were having trouble.

Elliott Kalan

[23:44] Only on a mermaid.

[23:45] I know where the butt is on other animals.

Dan McCoy

[23:47] They're like, what does this mermaid eat?

[23:49] And it felt like they threw a stick at it.

[23:52] Well, not that.

[23:54] I'm assuming fish.

[23:56] Well, they're throwing dead fish.

Elliott Kalan

[23:58] Obviously, the mermaid is also not eating because it's been imprisoned.

[24:00] No, no, I know.

[24:01] The issue is – but also, you'd think that they'd be throwing in good food.

[24:04] It is France.

[24:05] Yeah.

[24:05] But that night.

[24:06] Yeah, shouldn't they be throwing in like a peacock brain?

[24:09] Yeah, they're throwing it on a macaron.

[24:10] Yeah, they're throwing it on a macaron.

[24:10] Macaron.

[24:11] Yeah.

[24:12] Emmanuel Macron.

[24:14] Oh, wow.

[24:15] So that night, Marie is called to the cave by the mermaid's sad song.

[24:19] She's the only person in Versailles who can hear this song.

[24:21] And we finally see the CGI mermaid who is – it's like the characters out of Beowulf,

[24:26] the Robert Zemeckis movie or Polar Express or something like that.

[24:28] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[24:29] It looks like a Navi mermaid.

[24:31] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[24:32] My guess is that maybe Fan Bingbing, who plays the mermaid, she is a huge star in China.

[24:37] She's one of the highest paid stars in China.

[24:39] And my guess is that she was like, I'm not getting into a mermaid costume and swimming around in a tank.

[24:44] Like, let's mocap this.

[24:45] What are you doing?

[24:47] Yeah, just like Andy Serkis.

[24:48] Yeah, exactly.

[24:49] Oh, have you guys ever been to the Andy Serkis?

[24:52] He plays all the animals.

[24:53] Oh, wow.

[24:54] Yeah.

[24:54] It's so amazing.

[24:56] Anyway, they don't have to use real elephants.

[24:57] Well, that's the thing.

Dan McCoy

[24:58] Like, you have to wait, though.

[24:59] You have to wait around.

[25:00] He, like, plays one at a time.

[25:01] And it's like, wait, we're going to composite this in.

[25:03] And then by the end of the night, it's amazing.

[25:06] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[25:06] It's just like five to ten seconds of actual circus content.

[25:10] Yeah.

[25:10] But you see him doing it throughout.

[25:11] It's really fantastic.

[25:12] Yeah.

[25:13] And his motto, there's a circus born every minute.

[25:17] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[25:20] So this is where Captain Benjamin Walker shows up.

[25:24] He was sitting up late in his room reading a little book that I'm assuming is a little manga.

[25:29] Why is that?

[25:30] I mean, because what else are you going to do at night?

[25:32] Like, you know, you've got to read something.

[25:35] It's going to be manga.

[25:37] Well, it's a tiny little book.

[25:39] That's what comes in tiny books.

Elliott Kalan

[25:40] He's just reading his little lone wolf and cub or something.

[25:43] Yeah, a little Tosh and Bonner or whatever.

[25:44] And so the mermaid is kind of whispering this mystery language to Marie and Eve catches them.

[25:51] And Marie says, I'm going to use this mermaid's song in my music.

[25:54] I'm going to steal her song.

[25:55] I'm just going to culturally appropriate from this mermaid.

[25:58] Will not help her get free, but I will steal her music.

[26:01] And the next morning, she plays the song and the king loves it.

[26:04] He loves this new song and this new composer.

[26:07] So she gets invited to the king's grand ball, which would be awkward if she wasn't invited because she lives at Versailles.

[26:13] She'll just be sitting in her room hearing everybody dancing.

[26:15] And she's not going to wear all this makeup that Margulie puts on her.

[26:18] So she goes down, you know, plain Jane and everyone is astonished by it.

[26:22] And the king is like, I love it.

[26:23] You're an individual.

[26:24] You remind me of a woman I once knew.

Stuart Wellington

[26:26] Like every weird dude who's like, oh, you look so much prettier without makeup, lady on the internet.

[26:33] And this is what leads us into the section of the movie that is the like creepy daddy daughter dance.

[26:39] Yeah.

[26:40] Because there are other like we know she's his daughter.

[26:44] She does not know that.

[26:46] So she would probably be assuming this lecherous king is like, I can't wait to get to stabbing.

Dan McCoy

[26:51] Wow.

[26:52] Is that the way she puts it?

[26:54] I mean, yeah.

[26:54] Yeah.

[26:55] That's what she put, how she put her letters to me.

[26:57] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[26:58] She grew up in a convent where the head at this told her that a man's penis is sharp like a knife.

[27:02] So you need to stay away from that.

Dan McCoy

[27:03] I do agree though.

[27:04] Like there's this sequence.

[27:06] Yeah.

[27:07] Like this area in the middle of the movie where you're like, this feels like quasi romantic in a way that I'm like, I was genuinely confused.

[27:15] Like does the king know?

[27:18] Yeah.

[27:18] It's a little unsure.

Elliott Kalan

[27:19] And he's also French though.

[27:20] So that's just the way the French are.

[27:21] But the incestuous.

[27:23] Is it?

[27:24] Yeah.

[27:24] I mean.

[27:26] Listeners right in.

[27:27] Listeners from France.

[27:28] What's that Louisville movie?

[27:30] I'm sorry.

[27:31] The one where the guy is in love with his mother.

[27:33] Anyway.

[27:34] So the.

[27:35] My father the hero?

[27:36] Yeah.

[27:36] My father the hero.

[27:37] Again, a Frenchman.

[27:38] Yeah.

[27:39] Milf Hunter 12.

[27:42] Well, there they call it Le Hunter de Mille.

[27:46] So the king is like, oh, you're a real individual.

[27:49] And he starts dancing with her.

[27:50] And the dance goes on for a while.

[27:51] She's enchanted.

[27:52] And then he suddenly sees her as a different woman.

[27:54] And he's unnerved.

[27:55] And he has to stop.

[27:56] And we, because we've seen stories, we know that he has suddenly seen.

[27:59] He suddenly imagined that it's her mother that he's dancing with.

[28:02] Who we know is some woman that he loved and lost.

[28:04] So anyway.

[28:05] Marie goes to visit the mermaid and tells the mermaid all about the ball.

[28:08] Which seems like rubbing it in her face.

[28:09] She's trapped in a cave.

[28:11] It was so great.

Dan McCoy

[28:12] I was walking around on my cool legs.

Elliott Kalan

[28:14] I could go wherever I wanted.

[28:15] No one would stop me.

[28:17] There's a thing called dancing.

Dan McCoy

[28:18] You wouldn't know anything about that.

Elliott Kalan

[28:21] And you want the mermaid to sing part of the world.

[28:24] But she doesn't sing it.

[28:25] Or maybe she does in that weird language.

[28:27] Anyway.

[28:27] And she and Captain Eve start bonding over their love of the sea.

[28:31] But uh-oh.

[28:31] They're being watched by Dr. Labarth.

[28:33] So earlier, Marie went down to see the mermaid and was watched by the captain.

[28:36] Now she and the captain are looking at the mermaid.

[28:38] And they're being watched by Dr. Labarth.

[28:40] Who's going to watch them when Dr. Labarth joins them?

[28:42] That's great.

[28:43] And the next day, the king starts telling Marie about Louisa.

[28:46] A woman he loved who Marie reminds him of.

[28:49] Because obviously it's going to turn out to be her mom.

[28:52] And later the king.

[28:53] And he's doing like a little drawing, right?

[28:54] He's doing a drawing of her.

[28:56] And he's like, I used to sketch her as well.

[28:57] And there's a fountain that looks like her.

[29:00] Later, the king sells.

[29:02] Wait.

[29:02] So when.

[29:03] So in Titanic.

[29:04] When Kate Winslet says, like, draw me like one of your French girls.

[29:07] Does she mean, draw me like your French daughter that doesn't know that you're her dad?

[29:11] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[29:12] That's exactly what.

[29:13] It'll add to the tension in the little car they're in.

[29:15] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[29:15] In the little car.

[29:17] Whose car was that?

[29:18] And they got to it and they were like, ugh, gross.

[29:20] Yeah, yeah.

[29:21] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[29:22] Well, they made sure to put that car on a light raft.

[29:25] I think that then sank with the Titanic.

[29:27] Well, before anybody went to the Titanic.

Stuart Wellington

[29:29] A fish got into it and is like, why is there jizz all over the place?

[29:32] And handprints.

[29:32] The Titanic was thinking.

Elliott Kalan

[29:33] He goes, I know.

[29:34] We'll drive away.

[29:34] I brought my car with me.

[29:36] And he opened the door and he went, ugh, this is disgusting.

Dan McCoy

[29:40] I like the idea, too.

[29:41] Stuart, this fish is like, ugh.

[29:43] Now I got to wait for another car to sink.

Elliott Kalan

[29:47] They start sinking those subway cars to make artificial reefs.

[29:51] And they're like, not what I wanted.

[29:53] Mass transit?

[29:54] Gross.

[29:55] So the king sells a dukedom to Lintelac in exchange for a ton of money.

[30:00] And that night, Lintelac is rude to the sailors.

[30:03] And they spar verbally and almost come to blows.

[30:06] So they're setting up one of the, Captain Eves is the man of the people.

[30:09] And Lintelac is an a feat.

Stuart Wellington

[30:09] This isn't my favorite fancy dinner.

[30:13] Dinner scene in a movie.

[30:15] That still goes to Dark Crystal where the Skeksis are chomping down on all the Rosnebri and shit.

Elliott Kalan

[30:21] We showed Dark Crystal to Sammy.

[30:23] And I was like, just get ready for this scene where they're just eating.

[30:25] And he was not impressed.

[30:26] And I was like, are you kidding?

[30:28] When I was a kid, I watched it over and over again.

Stuart Wellington

[30:31] Yeah, I liked it so much that for years, like I think to a current day, whenever we eat,

[30:37] like whenever we would eat meat at dinner, my mom would call it Rosnebri.

Elliott Kalan

[30:42] Oh, that's sweet.

[30:44] As we know, you have the best mom.

[30:46] She's a good one.

[30:46] Yeah.

[30:47] So it's another night, another song-inspired visit from Marie to the Mermaid.

[30:51] And the next day, Marie and Eves, they're flirting around Versailles and everyone's watching

[30:55] them.

[30:55] And they start riding horses together.

[30:57] But Marie falls off and breaks her arm.

[30:59] Of course, Dr. Labarth says they need to amputate immediately.

[31:01] Jump that shit off.

[31:02] Which is nuts.

[31:03] Like that's bonkers.

[31:05] And even in 18th century medicine, they weren't like, your arm's broken.

Stuart Wellington

[31:08] I guess you have to lose it.

[31:08] And then he looks at the camera and he's like, she said she wanted to lose some weight.

[31:14] He does look at me?

[31:15] Yeah, it was crazy.

[31:17] Weird.

Elliott Kalan

[31:19] You know, he looks at the camera and he goes, as a doctor, I did swear to do no arm.

Dan McCoy

[31:24] Oh my God.

[31:26] Dan, you gotta do one now.

[31:27] You gotta do one now.

[31:31] I would amputate to...

[31:37] This is hard.

[31:38] It's so hard to watch.

Elliott Kalan

[31:39] This is like watching a kid riding a bicycle the first time.

[31:41] You can't help them.

[31:42] I want...

[31:43] You want to say something.

[31:45] Arms.

[31:45] Say he took the hippocutte off instead of the Hippocratic Oath.

[31:48] Okay, so anyway, the king is like, wait, maybe let's wait one day until you cut her arm off.

[31:58] And the captain brings Marie down to the mermaid who heals her by swimming around her until they're engulfed in glowing light.

[32:04] That's right.

[32:05] Is that from the book?

[32:05] The healing powers.

Dan McCoy

[32:06] It's the glowing light from the book.

Elliott Kalan

[32:09] No, the mermaid.

[32:10] It's the mermaid from the book.

Dan McCoy

[32:11] That'd be so funny if the book was based on had no mermaid in it.

[32:14] Pull out the book.

[32:16] What the fuck is the book even about?

[32:18] See if there's any entry for glowing light.

Elliott Kalan

[32:20] Well, that's like...

[32:21] I remember reading...

[32:22] There was an article in The New Yorker years ago when About Schmidt was coming out with the author of the book About Schmidt and how it was like, in the book, it's not set in Nebraska.

[32:31] The characters are apparently very Jewish, I think.

[32:33] The book's barely about Schmidt.

[32:35] It's on either the Upper East or Upper West Side.

[32:37] And they're talking to Alexander Payne and he's like, well, I changed it all, but of course I'm keeping the title.

[32:42] It's a great title.

[32:42] It's like, okay, so really you just like the title?

[32:45] And you made up the rest of it.

[32:47] But anyway, Marie says to the king, the mermaid healed me.

[32:52] And the king kind of lets Marie believe that he's going to use the mermaid's power to heal the common people of France and then let the mermaid go.

[33:00] You've got to assume there's a lot of injuries in France at that time.

Dan McCoy

[33:02] Yeah, it's going to take a while.

[33:03] I mean, even if he's telling the truth, like that mermaid's never getting out of there.

Elliott Kalan

[33:07] Yeah, it's still not great.

[33:09] And Captain Eves is like, no, the king wants to kill the mermaid to be immortal.

[33:13] And Marie's like, you're wrong.

[33:14] You need to trust people.

[33:15] You're too cynical.

[33:16] But they walk around for a long time and he shows her his little lighthouse that he lives in and eventually they kiss.

Dan McCoy

[33:22] I have to say, Ali, every time you say Captain Eves, every time I expect you're going to say Captain EO.

Elliott Kalan

[33:30] Now, how would this – spin it for me.

[33:32] How would this story be different if it was Captain EO instead?

[33:34] Obviously, there'd be some kind of elephant robot man.

Dan McCoy

[33:36] There'd still be dancing, but it'd be a different kind of dancing.

[33:38] True.

[33:39] True.

[33:39] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[33:40] So it would be what, like Angelica Houston as a spider queen trying to live forever?

Dan McCoy

[33:44] I have never seen Captain EO.

[33:46] I don't know anything about it.

Elliott Kalan

[33:47] I saw it when I was a kid and I thought it was so strange.

[33:50] Yeah.

[33:51] And what was strangest about it, I think, was that as opposed to this where they have all that voice over the beginning, Captain EO treats the story as if you know who Captain EO is.

[33:59] You love these characters.

[34:01] You're very familiar with them.

[34:02] They exist outside of this incredibly expensive, like, 20-minute movie you can only see at a theme park.

[34:08] Yeah.

[34:08] Like, it's – and I didn't understand it from one moment to the next.

[34:11] And I know there's a robot that turns into a drum set.

[34:14] Like, I remember that.

[34:14] Love it.

[34:15] Sounds good.

[34:15] There's a – but it was – I remember seeing it as a kid and just being baffled by it.

[34:19] It was so strange.

[34:21] Ugh.

Stuart Wellington

[34:22] But, uh –

[34:22] Yeah, it feels like a cultural artifact from a completely different dimension.

Elliott Kalan

[34:27] Yes, exactly.

[34:28] Yeah, yeah.

[34:29] And so, yeah, so if it was Captain EO, it would be a very different story.

[34:33] One, because it would be Michael Jackson.

[34:35] And also because there'd be, like, a lot of aliens running around and stuff.

[34:38] But maybe it would be a better movie, except for the Michael Jackson part because, you know.

[34:41] Not a known actor, also dead.

[34:43] I mean, he was in movies.

[34:45] True.

[34:45] He was in The Wiz.

[34:46] He was in Moonwalker, which is really more a compilation of videos.

[34:49] True.

[34:49] He was in the thriller video.

[34:50] Yeah, he was in –

[34:51] That was basically a movie.

[34:53] The thing is also, he made a bunch of, like, direct-to-video, not full-length, but long – like, 40-minute or so things that – I remember reading about them after he died.

[35:03] These, like, things that would be released on video that people didn't really see very much.

[35:07] Huh.

[35:07] And were often, like, thinly-veiled defenses of his bizarre lifestyle, you know.

[35:12] Yeah.

[35:13] Anyway, so he did – Michael Jackson's not in this.

[35:16] No.

[35:17] Okay.

[35:17] He's not Captain Bill.

[35:18] You nailed it.

[35:19] And so they're in love now, but the king has promised Marie's hand to the new Duke, Lintelac.

Stuart Wellington

[35:26] Uh-oh.

[35:27] But that's not a big deal because she's not anybody's daughter, right?

Elliott Kalan

[35:30] Uh-oh.

[35:31] Because after another night of mermaid communing, the king tells Marie, I'm your father.

[35:36] It's just like an Empire Strikes Back.

[35:37] Spoiler alert.

[35:38] Because then he cuts her hand off.

[35:40] Oh.

[35:41] The doctor is like, yikes, we did it.

[35:43] But, no, he tells her he's her father, and she's excited at first, and he says, you need to marry the duke so France can have

[35:49] money, and she's like, I don't want to.

[35:50] And he says, you have to obey me.

[35:53] I'm your king.

[35:54] And so she's mad, and she says, of course, for France.

[35:56] And she walks out and collapses, crying in the hall.

[35:59] And it's at this point that the movie goes through a number of sequences with, like, kind of pop ballads in the background.

[36:05] And Father Lachey, he goes to visit the mermaid, and he tells the doctor and the king that he is risking damning the king's soul forever by killing this mermaid.

[36:14] You've got to believe.

[36:14] This king has done so much that has already dammed his soul to hell.

[36:17] He's the king of France.

Dan McCoy

[36:18] Now that we've gotten here, let's talk a little bit about this is – we fainted towards talking about it, but this is the weird thing about the movie where, like, the man of science, the doctor, is the one who's like, okay, what we've got to do is, as science teaches us, we murder this mermaid, and you get to be immortal.

[36:38] Whereas the Christian advisor to the king, who is played by William Hurt, and you're set up by every other movie you've ever seen to think, like, this guy's bad news.

[36:48] Yeah.

[36:48] He's the one who's like, no, no, no, you can't kill this mermaid.

Elliott Kalan

[36:52] The only thing immortal is the soul and the love of God.

[36:55] This is wrong.

[36:56] This is wrong, sir.

Dan McCoy

[36:57] Rather than in life what I would assume being the case where you'd be like, this is an abomination of God.

Elliott Kalan

[37:03] Well, but also, like, there are – you know, science does go overboard often.

[37:07] That's why we have, like, atomic bombs and Facebook and things like that.

[37:10] And the overboard remake.

[37:12] And the overboard remake.

[37:13] Scientists never asked whether they should do it.

[37:15] They only asked if they could do it.

[37:17] Yeah.

[37:17] But this movie goes so overboard in being anti-science and the idea that science – it's not just that science causes the need for ethical inquiry, but that science itself is evil.

Stuart Wellington

[37:27] Science was to murder mermaids.

[37:29] I mean, I'm not as much of a history buff as you guys, but in France at this time, the church was a force of good, right?

Elliott Kalan

[37:40] It was such a force for good that they – soon afterwards when they killed the king, they tried to eliminate the church from France.

[37:47] But it didn't work out because the common people wanted it.

[37:49] But, yeah, it was a – this is – I mean, it's like not – it's – if I'm getting my time right, and I'm probably not, it's not that long after, like, the Huguenots were massacred and forced to leave because of religious differences.

[37:59] Like, it's – this is – yeah, the – it's ahistorical.

[38:03] I mean, and again, it's also a movie with a mermaid.

[38:05] Yeah, sure, sure.

[38:06] So, of course, in real life, the king of France never tried to kill a mermaid for immortality.

[38:11] I can't prove a negative, so you're right.

[38:13] There's still a chance.

[38:15] Lack of evidence is not evidence of lack, as Duke Lintillac tells us.

[38:19] But that's why it's called Lintillac.

[38:21] But, I mean, the – but it's – yeah, it's weird to set up a movie where science is – it's not just like – it's not just, oh, we shouldn't tamper in God's domain, but, like, no science, please.

Dan McCoy

[38:32] Yeah, science says we got to cut off your arm and kill this mermaid.

Elliott Kalan

[38:36] And so Lachey's is like – and it's ironic since Lachey's himself, again, is an inventor.

[38:42] He invented a type of chair.

[38:44] So he's saying you're going to damn your soul if you do this.

[38:49] And the king's like, well, if God doesn't want me to do it, may he strike me down right now, that old chestnut, which implies that God doesn't have more important things to do with his time.

[39:01] Like Superman.

[39:02] Yeah, and the mermaid calls to Marie again and kind of mind melds with her in the water to show her that when she was taken from Atlantis, she was taken also from her baby who was waiting for her back in Atlantis.

[39:13] A little mer-baby.

[39:14] Yeah.

[39:14] Yeah, you got to take her back to her baby.

[39:16] She wants her baby back, baby back, baby back.

[39:18] She wants her baby back, baby back.

[39:20] Mermaids, babies are back.

[39:22] What?

[39:24] Okay.

[39:26] Anyway, Lachey's and the doctor and the king, they're arguing about it, and the king is like, look, if we kill this mermaid and I become immortal, clearly it's God's will that I be immortal.

[39:38] So just let me do this thing, which is a bad argument.

[39:41] Yeah.

[39:41] Yeah, I like it, though.

[39:43] It's very throw someone in the water to see if they're a witch.

[39:45] They died.

[39:46] Good.

[39:46] They weren't a witch.

Stuart Wellington

[39:47] So it's kind of funny because obviously he's the king of France, and I assume he's a baddie.

[39:53] But leading up to about halfway through this movie, I'm like, he's not that bad.

Elliott Kalan

[39:59] They're setting him up to be a character who you want to like.

[40:04] He's not an out-and-out.

[40:05] Barth is the villain of the movie.

[40:06] Yeah.

[40:07] And he has that real –

[40:08] And Lintillac.

Dan McCoy

[40:09] Just like Barth was the villain of –

[40:12] Of modern literature?

Elliott Kalan

[40:13] Yeah.

[40:14] Of Barth of You Can't Do That on Television?

[40:16] The chef that served Barth to people?

[40:18] Yeah.

[40:18] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[40:20] That was the –

[40:21] I feel so bad.

[40:21] Like when you have a name like Barth, I guess you're assumed like –

[40:25] Yeah.

[40:25] Well, that's like there's a restaurant that I drove by a few weeks ago called Gorf's.

Elliott Kalan

[40:29] I was like, what?

[40:31] I meant to look at him and see if I know who Gorf was.

[40:34] Yeah.

[40:38] Just imagine being the person who – the host.

[40:40] And being like – it goes, yes, this is Gorf's.

[40:43] Welcome to Gorf's.

[40:44] Yeah.

[40:45] Yes, we have live jazz music.

[40:47] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[40:49] Mr. Affleck, yes.

[40:54] It sounds like a weird contraction of Dorf on golf.

[40:58] Yeah.

[40:59] Do you have Gorf?

[41:00] What?

Elliott Kalan

[41:01] I was thinking the other day about a movie called Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs where it's

Stuart Wellington

[41:07] seven Tim Conways.

[41:10] I mean you can't go wrong with that.

[41:12] That guy is a comedy genius.

[41:13] He's hilarious.

Elliott Kalan

[41:17] He's just like – he's like – this is going to be – this is a hot take but Tim Conway

[41:21] is like Martin Short in that he is an objectively hilarious person who also made a lot of very

[41:26] unfunny things.

[41:27] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[41:27] Yeah.

[41:28] Yeah.

[41:29] Yeah.

[41:29] So anyway, the sailor – he's the two – Captain Eves and his friend who I don't remember

[41:36] his name but he's another sailor who's kind of the goofier of the two.

[41:38] But he doesn't have enough time on screen to really develop a personality.

[41:42] They're searching the doctor's study and they essentially just find drawings of him

[41:45] killing the mermaid.

[41:46] I guess it's his plans for the next day that he drew in case he forgot how to read that

[41:51] day.

Dan McCoy

[41:51] Insert knife here.

Elliott Kalan

[41:55] It's like IKEA.

[41:56] It's like two people to carry this mermaid, not a one-person job.

[42:00] And they slip it under Maria's door right before they're arrested and locked up under

[42:03] the orders of the doctor.

[42:05] And Marie sees the plans and she's so mad she smashes all of her beloved musical instruments.

[42:08] She's like, stop sending me this shit.

[42:11] She's like, look, I don't want to vote for Caruso in the LA mayoral election.

[42:16] Stop slipping this stuff under my door.

[42:18] That's some local humor for a city I'm not in right now.

[42:20] Anyway, we're getting a lot of flyers for this guy that we're not voting for.

[42:24] And she tells the king, I'll marry the duke.

[42:27] David Caruso, right, the actor?

[42:28] Yeah, David Caruso of Jade fame.

[42:32] Yeah, that's what he's most known for.

[42:34] Best known for it, yeah.

[42:36] So she says, I'll marry him if you free the mermaid.

[42:39] And the king goes, no.

[42:42] You're going to marry him and I'm going to kill the mermaid.

[42:44] Yeah, it turns out when you're not the king, you don't have that much leverage.

[42:47] Yeah, the king is like, you have nothing over me in this situation.

[42:51] And he looks, and then everyone's preparing for the eclipse.

[42:54] And you get this dramatic stutter zoom in of Pierce Brosnan on a balcony staring straight at the eclipse as if trying to stare it down.

[43:04] And so Marie, she's like, Lachey's, you've got to help me save the mermaid.

[43:09] And her room is guarded.

[43:10] But he helps her sneak out of the guarded room so that they can go to the cave.

[43:14] And I forgot how Captain Eves got out of jail.

[43:16] But he gets out.

[43:18] And they're in the cave.

[43:20] And they're like, hmm, if we drain all the fountains in Versailles, we can raise the water in the cave enough so that the mermaid can jump over the retaining wall.

[43:27] The waterfall free willy.

[43:29] Yeah.

[43:29] It was like, it was the obvious.

Stuart Wellington

[43:30] And we push the box on the fucking water wheel.

Elliott Kalan

[43:33] And that's going to tip over a candle which burns through this rope that frees a mouse that goes for the cheese which turns on a fan.

Stuart Wellington

[43:39] I've got to jump on this ledge, but if I don't do it fast enough, it all resets.

Elliott Kalan

[43:44] Yeah, we've got to Prince of Persia this thing.

[43:47] And so they do it.

[43:49] Anyway, but while they're trying to do it, uh-oh, Dr. Labarth shows up with his gunmen because he's a doctor.

[43:53] He can order around soldiers.

[43:55] And they shoot Eves, but he keeps fighting the baddies until he and Dr. Labarth tumble into the water.

[44:00] Only the doctor resurfaces.

[44:02] Oh, no.

[44:02] Yeah.

[44:03] And Marie fights him.

Dan McCoy

[44:04] I've got to say, the doctor resurfaces in like the – this was my pick for cool shot of the movie.

[44:12] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[44:12] I like to compliment it.

[44:14] Give it something nice.

Dan McCoy

[44:14] Show we're not just mean people.

[44:16] Our hero is looking down at the water, you know, like not knowing there's blood in the water.

[44:22] She doesn't know who survived, you know, her love or this evil doctor.

[44:26] And meanwhile, behind her, we see the evil doctor rising up on the water wheel slowly.

[44:33] And I like that.

[44:34] I like that.

[44:34] It was a nice shot.

[44:35] Good work, Sean McNamara.

[44:37] You did it.

[44:38] That was the only thing I enjoyed.

[44:40] One perfect shot.

Stuart Wellington

[44:41] And the doctor's like, great, I killed this guy and dropped him in the cocoon pool of healing.

Elliott Kalan

[44:46] Yeah, well, that's the – then he fights her and he manages – she manages to tie his ankle to the water wheel.

[44:51] So he's dragged under and drowns.

[44:53] Take that.

[44:53] And the mermaid –

Dan McCoy

[44:55] That's what I was going to say.

[44:58] You live by the water wheel.

[44:59] You die by the water wheel, asshole.

Elliott Kalan

[45:01] Yeah.

[45:02] So the mermaid escapes with the captain.

[45:05] Marie rides off on a horse leaving the duke at the altar.

[45:08] And then the king chases her on horseback.

[45:11] And then suddenly they go from –

Stuart Wellington

[45:12] Because we already know he's a badass horseman.

Elliott Kalan

[45:14] And I've only been to Versailles once.

[45:16] I've never – I don't know the French geography that much.

[45:18] But they're a minute's horse ride away from the ocean and a cliff.

[45:21] Yeah.

[45:22] Which I don't think is accurate.

[45:24] I could be wrong, but I don't think that's accurate.

Stuart Wellington

[45:26] Well, Elliot, correct me.

[45:27] Correct me.

[45:29] Do mermaids exist?

Elliott Kalan

[45:30] You bring an excellent point up that this is that the most – the biggest difference between our reality and that one is the mermaid.

[45:36] So who knows what other different variants there might be.

[45:39] Exactly.

[45:40] That Versailles might be an ocean side estate in this world.

[45:44] And they chase her to this cliff and she gives an impassioned speech.

[45:47] And she looks down and sees that the captain has been healed by the mermaid.

[45:51] The mermaid and the captain kind of shoot out of a hole in the cliff into the ocean.

[45:56] And the king's men are ready to shoot the mermaid dead, which I don't –

Dan McCoy

[45:59] Wait, the king's men from the Kingsman movies?

Elliott Kalan

[46:01] No.

[46:01] I hate to – sorry.

[46:02] I hate to bring it to you.

[46:02] The men who belong to the king.

[46:04] Oh, okay.

[46:05] Who work for him.

[46:06] But it's one of those things, as Dan said, like, I don't know how this is going to give him immortality

[46:12] if they just shoot – they just snipe a mermaid from thousands of feet away and its body floats away into the ocean.

Stuart Wellington

[46:17] Hey, it's like they say in Riddick.

[46:19] You keep what you kill.

[46:21] Yeah.

[46:21] I looked it up.

Dan McCoy

[46:22] Versailles, I wouldn't say, is the most landlocked place in France.

[46:25] Okay.

[46:26] Like, you could get further inland.

[46:27] Uh-huh.

[46:28] But pretty far inland.

Elliott Kalan

[46:30] It's not a two-minute horsey ride?

Dan McCoy

[46:33] No, no, no, no, no, no.

[46:34] This would take quite a while on a horse to get to the ocean.

Elliott Kalan

[46:38] Okay.

[46:38] And so they're ready to shoot him dead.

[46:40] And Marie says, if the mermaids live, it will save my life.

[46:43] And she jumps off the cliff into the ocean, breaking her body to pieces.

[46:46] And the doctor, if he were alive, would be like, got to cut those pieces off.

[46:49] They're all broken now.

[46:50] And the king is distraught.

[46:51] And he sees the eclipses taking place.

[46:53] It's time to kill that mermaid.

[46:54] But he tells the men not to shoot.

[46:56] And the mermaid pulls her glowy swim move on Marie and saves her.

[46:59] And they all swim away to the captain's ship, which is waiting offshore.

[47:03] And the king says, don't stop the ship.

[47:05] Just let it go.

[47:07] Please don't stop the music.

[47:08] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[47:09] I've learned my lesson that even kings die.

[47:11] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[47:12] And Lachey's, and he kneels in repentance before Lachey's.

[47:15] And Lachey says, you were a great king, which is debatable.

[47:18] Now you, now you've become a great man.

[47:19] And Lachey's forgives him.

[47:20] Also debatable.

[47:21] Yeah.

[47:21] Forgives him for sins.

[47:22] His only love is immortal.

[47:25] Now we get back to the Julie Andrews voiceover wrapping up telling us how the captain and Marie, which is.

[47:30] And Tennille.

[47:31] And Tennille.

[47:32] Maybe that's Tennille's first name.

[47:34] Yeah.

[47:35] They're searching the seas for Atlantis.

[47:37] And they finally find it.

[47:39] And rather than throwing exploding barrels in, Marie dives in.

[47:42] And her mermaid just happens to be there, right there.

[47:45] You can tell that's her mermaid?

[47:47] I mean.

[47:48] Oh, it comes to greet her.

[47:49] And says, hey.

[47:50] Like, unless the legend of her.

[47:51] I mean.

[47:52] They say that crows, that later generations of crows can recognize people that they never met somehow.

[47:59] That a person who encounters a flock of crows who then returns months later or years later when it's a new generation of crows, that they will recognize them.

[48:08] I guess because the story of that person has been passed down by the crows.

[48:12] So maybe it's something like that.

Dan McCoy

[48:13] If you find this to be true in your work with the crow puppets at Mystery Science Theater, that future generations would still recognize.

[48:19] Future generations of crow puppets.

Elliott Kalan

[48:21] They would still, I mean.

[48:21] Yeah.

[48:22] They would still know me depending on the puppeteer operating above it.

[48:25] And the mermaid takes Marie on a ride through Atlantis, which is kind of like an underwater Las Vegas.

Dan McCoy

[48:30] Yeah.

[48:31] It's very glowy and pastel and like a pop song.

[48:34] And you kind of wonder what it's made out of.

[48:35] And the mermaids have no hands.

[48:37] So how do they sculpt it?

[48:37] It's run by Andrew Ryan.

[48:38] Yeah.

[48:38] That's terrible.

[48:39] Don't go down there.

[48:39] Yeah.

[48:40] These mermaids, let's.

[48:41] We haven't really said.

[48:43] Instead of hands, they've got like big.

[48:45] Like razor sharp flippers.

[48:47] They're huge fins.

[48:48] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[48:48] So they have no hands.

[48:50] And they, but they somehow, maybe they hired, maybe Steve Wynn built this whole mermaid complex.

Stuart Wellington

[48:55] And at one point the doctors or the captains suggest that the mermaid could slice you in

[49:00] half with their pins.

Elliott Kalan

[49:02] Yes.

[49:02] Although we never see anything like that ever happening.

[49:04] I want, I thought that was just them kind of being superstitious about the mermaids.

Stuart Wellington

[49:07] Oh yeah.

[49:08] I guess that makes sense.

[49:08] But I could be wrong.

[49:09] But in that, we'll see.

[49:10] Because I mean, if, if they had that ability and you're making a movie, you know, you got

[49:13] to have them slice shit in half.

Elliott Kalan

[49:14] Well, maybe they were saving it for the King's Daughter tournament fighting game.

[49:17] I mean.

[49:18] Yeah.

[49:18] Like if, if, if, if, if the mermaid is up against Blanca, like, and he tries his electro

[49:23] move.

[49:23] She just cuts him in two.

[49:23] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[49:24] Your breaker meter goes all the way up and then you can do your super move.

[49:27] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[49:27] I mean, I don't know whether this sort of gentle fairy tale-esque story ever had anyone

[49:32] being murdered by a mermaid, but I do think that it's probable that a lot of things in

[49:36] this movie that seem to go nowhere, uh, that's because it got retooled so many times and, uh.

[49:43] And could have been improved by mermaid murder.

[49:44] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[49:45] Now, Dan, you, you, uh, maybe if you want to start final judgments, we get a good segue

[49:49] is, is the, referring to it as a fairy tale type movie.

[49:51] Cause it is, it is, uh, attempting a kind of like, I'm not, I assume it's supposed to

[49:57] be a family kind of picture fairy tale cause there's nothing particularly violent in it.

[50:02] There's no particular sex in it.

[50:03] It's a, it's like you could show it to children, but at the same time it's so boring.

[50:07] Why?

[50:08] And so overcomplicated, you know, I don't see a kid liking it.

Dan McCoy

[50:12] Unless you're trying to teach them that, you know, like not everything in, in the world

[50:16] is going to be good.

[50:17] Yeah.

[50:17] Well, there's, yeah, there's no jokes.

[50:20] Like it's not fun enough.

Elliott Kalan

[50:21] It's not fun enough for a kid's movie and it's not sexy enough to be kind of like a,

[50:26] like a grownup romance in a, in a time of corsets and magic.

Stuart Wellington

[50:29] You don't actually see that much of the mermaid.

Dan McCoy

[50:32] So we are currently soaking in final judgments, whether this is a good, bad movie, a bad, bad

[50:37] movie, a movie kind of like, yeah, I'm going to, I'll, I'll kick us off on that tone.

[50:42] I think it's a bad, bad movie.

[50:44] And a large portion of it is like, I don't know for whom this movie was made.

[50:50] It is not like I, I have faith.

[50:53] Chinese investors.

[50:54] I have faith.

[50:54] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[50:54] Well, it is, it was made for Chinese investors that wanted to break into the, into the Western

[50:58] movie market.

Stuart Wellington

[50:59] But at the same time, this wasn't always, but it was, yeah, that's, that's the question.

[51:03] That's actually a really good point, man.

[51:05] Because if you're going to spend a lot of money making a movie, why don't you make a good

[51:09] movie?

Elliott Kalan

[51:09] Well, but the thing is, I see there could be a good, I can, this movie, different people

[51:14] have been very passionate about making it for 20 some odd years.

[51:17] And it's, I can, there's a good version of this movie that has a certain amount of like

[51:21] wit and lightness and magic to it.

[51:24] The way that like the Princess Bride exists.

[51:27] Like that movie exists and it's great.

[51:28] Yeah.

[51:29] And like, you could do this movie like that and they just, but they didn't know how to

[51:32] do it.

Dan McCoy

[51:32] But that, but that movie is to some degree, like, you know, it's, it's taking the piss

[51:38] out of fairy tales.

Elliott Kalan

[51:40] Except it's, it is, but at the same time, it's so, it's so, the same way that like we

[51:45] were watching, uh, my kids love the old Lion King.

[51:48] And there are parts in that movie where you can tell our.

[51:50] Is that different than the animated Lion King movie?

[51:53] I mean, it's, I mean, they're both animated.

[51:55] It's the.

[51:55] Well, wait a minute.

[51:56] One's a live action movie.

[51:57] No, well, one is an animated movie.

[51:59] It looks like a 2D cartoon.

[52:00] And one is an animated movie that is faking live action animals.

[52:03] And which is the one on Broadway?

[52:05] That's not a movie.

[52:06] That's.

[52:07] That's a stage play.

Dan McCoy

[52:08] And just human performers.

[52:10] Yeah.

[52:10] Okay.

[52:11] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[52:12] Yeah.

[52:12] So, but, uh, the, uh, the old, there's the scene where, uh, Zazu the bird as played

[52:18] by Ron Atkinson.

[52:20] Uh, Sean Oliver.

[52:21] In the new one that Scar played by Jeremy Irons.

[52:25] I don't know who plays him in the new one.

[52:26] She would tell Jafor.

[52:27] About, he, uh, he, he wants him to sing a song and he starts singing.

[52:31] It's a small world.

[52:32] And Scar goes, oh, no, no, no.

[52:34] And at that time that was kind of a taking up the piss out of Disney joke.

[52:37] But that joke seems so quaint now compared to the new one where in the old one they kind

[52:42] of hint at the word fart, but they don't say it.

[52:44] And the new one, they just say fart and they talk about the word fart for a while.

Stuart Wellington

[52:47] And it's like.

[52:48] I'm always farting and shitting.

[52:50] It's me, Pumbaa.

[52:51] That's what I'm known for.

Elliott Kalan

[52:53] I'm a shit pig.

[52:54] That's what I do.

[52:56] Hey, kids.

Dan McCoy

[52:59] And Timon is like, I love dick.

Elliott Kalan

[53:01] Like, this is the Lion King 2020.

[53:05] And so the.

[53:09] Oh, man.

[53:10] It's awesome.

[53:11] But in the, the Princess Bride at the time was like, oh, it's a tongue in cheek kind

[53:14] of winking fairy tale.

[53:15] But you watch it now and it just feels like a fairy tale.

[53:18] Like it.

[53:18] Yeah.

[53:18] Even the jokes feel like fairy tale jokes.

Dan McCoy

[53:20] Well, but it is not, it is not that sort of cynical, like, let's say like Shrek, you

[53:26] know, like the worst version.

[53:28] Like, you know, like William Goldman wanted to write like a tale of high adventure and he

[53:33] wanted to like put like jokes in it and make it like sort of sophisticated for a modern

[53:40] audience, but like it's really a throwback.

[53:42] And this one.

[53:43] It wants to be a throwback.

[53:44] Has no jokes.

[53:45] Yeah.

[53:45] And it has no high adventure in it.

Elliott Kalan

[53:47] It wants to be a throwback, but it has, yeah, it has very little of the things that you

[53:50] like of those or that I like.

[53:51] So that maybe there are people who love like, like there's a very heavy romance element to

[53:56] it.

[53:56] It's not a particularly well-drawn romance, but like maybe that's, maybe that is something

[53:59] that doesn't.

[54:00] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[54:00] I mean, it's not as well-drawn a romance to say like the romance between Shrek and Fiona.

Elliott Kalan

[54:06] Where they learn that it's okay for, she can love him for being ugly because

[54:09] she is also an ugly ogre.

[54:11] They are on the same level of attractiveness.

[54:13] So it's okay.

Stuart Wellington

[54:15] Just don't try and punch above your weight class.

Elliott Kalan

[54:17] And also it's okay to make fun of the King's height because he's a bad guy.

[54:20] So they can make fun of his appearance as much as they want.

Stuart Wellington

[54:24] There's so much about that movie.

[54:25] I don't like.

[54:26] So are you saying King's daughter is better or worse than Shrek?

Elliott Kalan

[54:29] Oh, this is a real Solomon's choice, you know?

[54:32] But I will.

[54:33] So I'm also going to call the King's daughter a bad, bad movie.

[54:35] But there's the part of me that like, I think I've said in the past, I like the idea of

[54:40] like adventure movies.

[54:41] Like they don't make them really anymore the same way.

[54:43] And so there's part of me that wanted to like it because it's a throwback kind of fairy

[54:46] tale.

Stuart Wellington

[54:46] There's no adventure.

[54:47] They just hang out at Versailles the whole time.

Elliott Kalan

[54:49] There's no adventure and there's no, the characters are not fun or exciting.

[54:54] There's no excitement or fun.

[54:55] And an adventure movie should be both exciting and fun.

[54:58] Or else, why?

[54:59] I mean, or else why be going on an adventure?

[55:01] You know?

[55:02] I mean, I guess there's like Sorcerer.

[55:04] That's an adventure movie that's not exciting.

[55:06] That's exciting.

[55:07] That's not fun.

[55:08] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[55:08] Show me a movie more exciting than Sorcerer, Elliot.

[55:11] I'll fucking wait.

[55:12] I mean, it's tense.

[55:13] Elliot sounded like, Elliot sounded so much like Bilbo right then.

[55:17] Like if an adventure is not going to be exciting or fun, I'm like, why?

[55:21] Let me just stay here in my hobbit hole and have some tea, man.

[55:24] Well, yeah, basically.

Stuart Wellington

[55:25] Don't come in here, sing songs, and fuck up my plates.

Elliott Kalan

[55:28] Put my plates down, you jerks.

[55:31] That movie.

[55:32] I wish this is my favorite.

[55:33] I mean, that plate scene goes on for so long.

[55:35] And I kind of wish every time they were about to go on the adventure, they just started

[55:38] singing the plates around.

[55:40] Ooh, baby.

[55:40] We got another plate.

[55:42] Give me more of that shit.

[55:45] And Peter Jackson's like, actually, it turned out to be a five-movie series because they

[55:49] don't go on the adventure until movie two.

[55:51] The first movie is three hours of them being bad house guests.

Stuart Wellington

[55:58] Oh, man.

[56:00] Now, I kind of wish that the poster for the first movie was Bilbo opening his mailbox

[56:04] and all the characters were like, all the doors are sticking out of the mailbox.

Elliott Kalan

[56:10] And then they're all looking at the camera.

[56:12] They're all looking at the end.

Dan McCoy

[56:14] How else do you make a fucking movie poster?

[56:15] You have to look at the camera.

[56:17] Peter Jackson's like, you know, there's a lot of extra songs in the Silmarillion that

[56:22] we weren't using.

[56:23] So we just put them in here.

[56:24] We paid for that shit.

[56:26] Put them in.

[56:26] A lot of people don't know that the movie Houseguest was based on the Silmarillion.

Elliott Kalan

[56:31] So we took that and we paid for this.

[56:34] I'm very curious about this Amazon Lord of the Rings TV show that they spent a billion

[56:38] some odd dollars on because I'm worried that there aren't enough stories left that people

[56:42] are that interested in in the realm of Middle Earth.

[56:44] You know, I could be wrong though.

[56:45] So Stuart, you thought it was a good movie?

[56:47] Oh, yeah.

[56:47] It was.

Stuart Wellington

[56:49] Well, the thing is, it's tough.

[56:52] Is there a category between good, great and best movie ever?

[56:56] No, this is a bad, bad movie.

[56:58] Yeah, there's just not, it's an adventure movie with no adventure.

[57:03] There's no real, there's no jokes.

[57:06] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[57:06] There's no sense of magic in it.

[57:08] Like it should, at the very least, it should make you feel like I'm seeing something that

[57:11] I can't see otherwise.

Dan McCoy

[57:12] I feel like there's a bigger sense of connection between our hero and the mermaid than her love

[57:18] interest.

[57:18] Maybe she should have fallen in love with the mermaid.

Stuart Wellington

[57:20] She should have, real life actress should have married that mermaid.

Dan McCoy

[57:24] Mary, the mermaid.

[57:26] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[57:27] Okay, well, there you have it.

[57:29] Don't watch Splash if you want a mermaid movie.

[57:32] John Candy's character is fucking gross as hell in Splash.

[57:34] I watched it recently.

Elliott Kalan

[57:35] It's fucked up.

[57:36] I haven't seen Splash in a long time and I have to assume that there's a lot of stuff

[57:39] wrong with that movie.

[57:39] That movie that doesn't fly these days.

[57:41] Or swim, I should say.

[57:42] Whoa.

[57:45] Can't do that over Zoom.

[57:47] And it's also, yeah, we can't, well, we could try to high five over Zoom.

[57:49] We'd break our computers because we'd hit the screens.

[57:51] Break Dan's computers.

[57:52] It's the, I watched a video about it a while back.

[57:54] The idea, Splash is one of those ones where it's the idea of like, like sexy born yesterday

[57:59] or something like that.

[57:59] Born sexy.

[58:00] Where it's like, finally a sexy woman that I get to teach about the world.

[58:04] Yeah.

[58:06] Hey, I guess that alien's going to be your new step mom.

[58:11] Honey, I married a species.

Stuart Wellington

[58:14] Yep.

[58:14] That Terminator's looking thick.

Jesse Thorn

[58:23] Hi, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

[58:25] And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective.

[58:28] Our comedy podcast, Jordan, Jesse, Go!

[58:30] just celebrated its 15th anniversary.

[58:34] It was a couple months ago, but we forgot.

[58:36] Yeah, completely.

[58:37] Our silly show is 15 years old.

[58:41] That makes it old enough to get its learner's permit.

[58:43] And almost old enough to get the talk.

[58:46] Wow, I hope you got the talk before then.

[58:48] A lot of things have changed in 15 years.

[58:51] Our show's not one of them.

[58:52] We're never changing and you can't make us.

[58:56] Jordan, Jesse, Go!

[58:57] The same forever!

[58:58] At MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.

Elliott Kalan

[59:05] I'm going first.

[59:06] It's me, Jackie Kation.

[59:07] Man, she's always this bossy.

[59:10] Hi.

[59:12] I'm Lori Kilt Martin.

[59:13] We're a bunch of stand-up comics.

[59:15] And we've been doing comedy like 60 years total with both of us.

[59:20] But we look amazing.

Stuart Wellington

[59:22] And we're working out.

[59:23] We drop every Monday on MaxFun.

[59:25] And it's called The Jackie and Lori Show.

[59:27] And you can listen to it and learn about comedy

Elliott Kalan

[59:29] and learn about anger management and all the things.

[59:32] And Jackie is married but childless.

[59:35] And I'm unmarried but childful.

[59:37] So together we make one complete woman.

[59:42] Is that just what that one's going to end?

[59:44] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[59:45] And we try to make Kyle laugh just like that

[59:48] and say, oh my God, every episode.

[59:50] It's a good job.

Dan McCoy

[59:51] The Jackie and Lori Show.

[59:53] Mondays only on Maximum Fun.

[59:55] Hey, listener.

[59:58] We got sponsors.

[59:58] One of them is Lumi Labs.

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Stuart Wellington

[1:01:10] FLOP!

[1:01:11] Hey there, are you a proud cat person?

[1:01:14] I know I am.

[1:01:15] My cat's muscles and meatball are the apple of my eye.

[1:01:18] You must love your cat.

[1:01:20] Yeah, they are both apples of my eye.

[1:01:22] I can have two apples in my eyes.

[1:01:24] Got two eyes.

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[1:01:29] Kitty Poo Club takes care of the more unpleasant parts

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[1:01:37] And Archie, don't look at me like that.

[1:01:39] Every month, Kitty Poo Club delivers affordable

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[1:01:45] When the month is up,

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[1:01:47] and Kitty Poo Club will automatically deliver

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[1:01:51] You can easily customize your subscription

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[1:01:53] Maybe add some toys, treats, accessories.

[1:01:56] I know about you,

[1:01:57] but my cats love treats and toys and accessories.

[1:02:00] Whatever will make you and your kitty happy.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:02] Now what kind of accessories are we?

[1:02:04] Oh man.

[1:02:04] Like little hats?

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:05] Yeah, little hats.

[1:02:06] Like chain belts?

[1:02:06] Yeah, little chain belt, bullet belts.

[1:02:08] Yep, spiked gauntlets.

[1:02:10] You often tell your cats,

[1:02:11] before you go out,

[1:02:12] take off one piece of jewelry.

[1:02:14] Mm-hmm.

[1:02:14] And they're like,

[1:02:15] no, no, no, dad, I know better.

[1:02:16] And then they come back

[1:02:17] and they're like,

[1:02:18] you were right.

[1:02:19] And right now,

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[1:02:21] an awesome discount

[1:02:22] for your first litter box order

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[1:02:25] when you set up an auto ship.

[1:02:27] Just go to kittypooclub.com

[1:02:29] to save on your first auto ship order

[1:02:31] of litter boxes with free shipping

[1:02:33] and be sure to let them know

[1:02:34] that the Flophouse sent you

[1:02:36] after you check out.

[1:02:38] That's kittypooclub.com.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:42] Elliot, hey, you're in town.

[1:02:44] Do you have anything to plug?

[1:02:45] Because of being in town

[1:02:46] or just in general?

[1:02:47] Yeah, is this a press tour

[1:02:48] you're on?

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:49] Not exactly.

[1:02:50] Yeah, it's a press tour.

[1:02:50] I'm only appearing

[1:02:51] on my own podcast.

[1:02:52] Sure, I'll mention,

[1:02:54] I think I've mentioned before,

[1:02:55] I have a new podcast

[1:02:56] on iHeartRadio

[1:02:57] that's just for kids.

[1:02:58] That's JFK, just for kids.

[1:03:00] That's what JFK Airport is.

[1:03:02] What happens if,

[1:03:02] just for kids airport.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:03] What if an adult like me

[1:03:04] shows up wearing a mustache

[1:03:05] or something?

[1:03:06] Well, don't wear a mustache.

[1:03:07] That makes you look like

[1:03:08] more of a grown-up.

[1:03:09] But that's a disguise.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:10] I mean, disguised as a grown-up.

[1:03:11] I mean, at least show up

[1:03:12] with like a backwards

[1:03:12] baseball cap and overalls.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:14] I don't know.

[1:03:14] I feel like I'm kind of jealous

[1:03:15] that like these 20-year-old Zoomers

[1:03:19] can pull off like little mustaches.

[1:03:21] Like I wish I could go back in time

[1:03:23] and have a little mustache.

[1:03:24] You have a little mustache.

[1:03:24] You could have a mustache.

[1:03:25] I'll tell you a piece of advice

[1:03:27] that I got from the fact.

[1:03:27] And like a curly mullet.

[1:03:29] Could I have a curly mullet?

[1:03:30] Yeah.

[1:03:30] Do whatever you want.

[1:03:31] And like a single dangling earring.

[1:03:33] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:34] Here's the piece of advice

[1:03:35] that a fashion person gave to me.

[1:03:36] If you act like you can pull it off,

[1:03:37] you can pull it off.

[1:03:39] Oh, that's good to know.

[1:03:40] Be the change you want to be

[1:03:41] in your appearance.

[1:03:42] Anyway, I have a new podcast

[1:03:43] called

[1:03:43] The Who Was Podcast.

[1:03:44] It's a quiz show about history for kids.

[1:03:46] It's on iHeartMedia,

[1:03:47] but you can get it wherever

[1:03:49] on wherever podcast apps are.

[1:03:51] So that's The Who Was Podcast.

[1:03:53] And it's a fun podcast for kids

[1:03:54] about historical figures.

[1:03:56] And also,

[1:03:56] what's this all about?

[1:03:57] Maniac of New York?

[1:03:58] Sure, that's still in comic book stores.

[1:04:00] Maniac of New York.

[1:04:01] I think the collected volume two

[1:04:02] comes out in July.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:04] Yay!

[1:04:05] Hooray!

[1:04:06] And I own some bars.

[1:04:07] Go to them.

[1:04:08] Hinchelands Bar and Minnie's Bar.

[1:04:09] Yippee!

[1:04:11] I'm sure I do something.

[1:04:12] Hey,

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:13] not yet.

[1:04:14] Let's

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:14] move along.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:18] In his own house,

[1:04:19] I said that.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:20] Wow.

[1:04:21] Dogging him out.

[1:04:22] Letters is a thing that we get

[1:04:24] from you listeners

[1:04:25] who are listening.

[1:04:26] And now,

[1:04:27] we will read them.

[1:04:28] I will read them.

[1:04:29] Okay.

[1:04:29] Some of them.

[1:04:30] While Stuart and Elliot stare

[1:04:31] at you uncomfortably.

[1:04:32] Yeah.

[1:04:33] Hey,

[1:04:33] this is the letters section.

[1:04:35] Segment.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:36] Hey,

[1:04:37] this is the letters section.

[1:04:39] Hey,

[1:04:40] letters are things that we get.

[1:04:42] What are some other things that we get?

[1:04:44] Well,

[1:04:45] we get older,

[1:04:45] that's for sure.

[1:04:47] And we get oxygen into our blood

[1:04:49] when we breathe.

[1:04:51] That's another thing that we get.

[1:04:52] If we're outside in the sun too long,

[1:04:54] we get discoloration.

[1:04:56] Again,

[1:04:56] we're older,

[1:04:57] that's something we get.

[1:04:59] When we go to the store,

[1:05:00] we get groceries.

[1:05:01] If it's a grocery store,

[1:05:03] I'll serve.

[1:05:04] This is a Best Buy.

[1:05:04] We're not getting groceries there.

[1:05:07] What are some other things that we get?

[1:05:10] Well,

[1:05:10] we get wet when we jump in the pool.

[1:05:13] When we're in the shade,

[1:05:14] we get real cool.

[1:05:15] Those are things we get.

[1:05:17] Things we get.

[1:05:18] If we shave a sheep,

[1:05:19] we get wool,

[1:05:20] which doesn't quite rhyme with pool.

[1:05:22] But I tried.

[1:05:23] Something I tried.

[1:05:24] Something I got.

[1:05:26] And now we're getting letters from you and you.

[1:05:28] We're getting letters from you.

[1:05:30] If you sent us a letter.

[1:05:32] If you didn't send us a letter,

[1:05:34] then we're not gonna get a letter from you.

[1:05:37] That's something we're not gonna get.

[1:05:39] Not yet.

[1:05:40] Send us that letter.

[1:05:41] Better yet.

[1:05:42] I rhymed yet with yet.

[1:05:43] You bet.

[1:05:44] We got some letters

[1:05:45] because that's something we get.

[1:05:49] Cha-na-na-na.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:51] Say to Ubu, say.

[1:05:53] Good dog.

[1:05:56] Hey, Flopperinos.

[1:05:58] This one's from Monty,

[1:05:59] last name withheld.

[1:06:00] Monty Hellman,

[1:06:01] director of Tulane Blacktop.

[1:06:03] Sid Stewart is an amazing dungeon master.

[1:06:06] And the other two of you

[1:06:07] know how to play games now,

[1:06:09] thanks to him.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:11] Thanks to him?

[1:06:11] Yeah, sure.

[1:06:12] He taught us everything we know.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:14] Yep.

[1:06:14] I thought I'd ask,

[1:06:16] what movies would make the best premise

[1:06:18] for an adventure?

[1:06:20] Thanks.

[1:06:21] Monty,

[1:06:21] last name withheld.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:23] What movies?

[1:06:24] Ooh, yeah.

[1:06:24] That's a tough one.

[1:06:26] I feel like a lot of times

[1:06:27] when we're reviewing movies,

[1:06:28] I'm like,

[1:06:29] this would have made a good,

[1:06:29] this would have made a good RPG adventure.

[1:06:32] I don't know if the king's daughter

[1:06:34] would have made a pretty good,

[1:06:35] I don't know.

[1:06:36] It's such a localized,

[1:06:37] specific incident.

[1:06:38] And like our hero,

[1:06:39] we don't have a party.

[1:06:40] Like-

[1:06:40] No, they do have a party.

[1:06:41] They go to a big ball.

[1:06:42] Oh, that's true.

[1:06:43] But that's not what I mean.

[1:06:44] Oh, right.

[1:06:45] The other version of the party.

[1:06:47] I will say,

[1:06:48] though this doesn't directly answer the question,

[1:06:50] the number one best example

[1:06:52] of a RPG adventure on screen

[1:06:55] is still Conan the Destroyer.

[1:06:56] That's the best D&D movie

[1:06:58] that isn't a D&D movie.

[1:07:01] What about you guys?

Dan McCoy

[1:07:02] Well, I was trying to think like what,

[1:07:04] I mean,

[1:07:05] honestly,

[1:07:06] the most interesting RPGs to me now

[1:07:09] are the ones that like go off

[1:07:10] in like weirder directions.

[1:07:12] Like,

[1:07:13] are less tied to what's traditionally thought of

[1:07:16] as like RPG stuff.

[1:07:17] Give me an example.

[1:07:18] Well,

[1:07:18] when Stuart made us all play cartoon dogs.

[1:07:21] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1:07:22] Yeah.

[1:07:22] Like,

[1:07:23] if there was something like creative

[1:07:25] where we all like got to be like

[1:07:27] the Marx Brothers ruining a party.

[1:07:30] Oh, that does sound fun.

[1:07:31] Yeah.

[1:07:32] A role-playing game.

[1:07:33] Like,

[1:07:33] that's like the new way

[1:07:35] That's the kind of party

[1:07:35] I was talking about.

[1:07:36] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:07:37] So the party would be the Marx Brothers

[1:07:38] but they go to a party.

[1:07:40] But in terms of like things

[1:07:41] that are like sort of already ready-made

[1:07:43] for that sort of thing,

[1:07:45] I was thinking about

[1:07:46] something like Buckaroo Banzai

[1:07:48] which is already sort of set up

[1:07:50] to be in that tradition

[1:07:51] where it's like

[1:07:52] you're already part of a party

[1:07:55] that is like

[1:07:56] scientists and a rock band

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:00] and you travel the world.

[1:08:02] Buckaroo Banzai is more successful

[1:08:03] as a world-building module

[1:08:05] than it is as a movie.

[1:08:06] Yeah.

[1:08:07] I was thinking,

[1:08:08] so I think those are all

[1:08:10] really good answers.

[1:08:11] I think that,

[1:08:12] I was thinking

[1:08:12] instead of an RPG

[1:08:13] if it was kind of like

[1:08:14] kind of pandemic-style

[1:08:16] timed board game

[1:08:17] of taking a Pelham 1, 2, 3

[1:08:19] the hot,

[1:08:20] and you've got like

[1:08:21] the train on the board

[1:08:22] and you've got the dispatch center

[1:08:23] and you've also got the car

[1:08:24] that has to get the money

[1:08:25] over to where,

[1:08:26] to the train station

[1:08:27] and it's all,

[1:08:28] you gotta coordinate those elements.

[1:08:29] You gotta get there on time

[1:08:30] or else they start killing hostages.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:31] Oh man, you got some like

[1:08:32] classic Euro resource management

[1:08:34] in there,

[1:08:35] like oh man,

[1:08:35] maybe some kind of

[1:08:36] like an action bartering system,

[1:08:39] an auctioning system.

[1:08:40] Yeah, that's great.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:40] And the turns are timed

[1:08:41] because you gotta keep talking

[1:08:43] to the hostages.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:43] Is this a cooperative game

[1:08:44] or just someone,

[1:08:45] are there also people

[1:08:47] playing the kidnappers?

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:48] That's a good question.

[1:08:49] I feel like the kidnappers

[1:08:50] would make an excellent,

[1:08:52] that would be like

[1:08:53] a bot element.

[1:08:54] Yeah.

[1:08:54] That would be like

[1:08:54] the game against you.

[1:08:55] So yeah,

[1:08:55] I feel like a cooperative,

[1:08:57] cooperative makes the most sense

[1:08:58] unless you can see

[1:08:59] victory conditions

[1:09:00] applying to the different players

[1:09:02] because each player

[1:09:03] is playing a different,

[1:09:04] what, city agency?

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:06] Yeah, well,

[1:09:07] you have someone in,

[1:09:07] so here you would have,

[1:09:09] you'd have Victor Garber,

[1:09:10] transit cop,

[1:09:11] who's doing the negotiating.

[1:09:12] You'd have the Tony Roberts character

[1:09:14] who is the mayor's aide,

[1:09:15] the deputy mayor.

[1:09:16] You'd have someone playing

[1:09:18] maybe the cop

[1:09:18] who's on the tracks,

[1:09:20] who's the police officer

[1:09:21] who is like

[1:09:22] in the middle of the crossfire.

[1:09:26] And maybe there's different

[1:09:27] victory conditions for each,

[1:09:28] but ultimately,

[1:09:29] I think you'd be cooperative

[1:09:29] to stop the hostages,

[1:09:32] to stop the hostage takers.

[1:09:33] The hostages,

[1:09:33] you don't want to stop.

[1:09:34] Let them go.

[1:09:35] Let them do escape.

[1:09:36] Oh, wow.

[1:09:36] That's a big stand.

[1:09:37] Or, you know what,

[1:09:38] and someone is playing

[1:09:38] as the undercover cop

[1:09:39] on board the train,

[1:09:41] and in the movie,

[1:09:42] that person does very little.

[1:09:43] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:44] They do very poorly in the game.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:46] Yeah, but in the game,

[1:09:46] maybe they have a chance to shine.

[1:09:48] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:49] Great answers all.

[1:09:51] Now,

[1:09:52] the next letter

[1:09:53] goes like this.

[1:09:55] Excuse me.

[1:09:55] You seem mad.

[1:09:56] Are you okay, Dan?

[1:09:56] Okay.

[1:09:57] I was mad at the burp

[1:09:58] that was coming out of me.

[1:09:59] Get back in my throat, burp.

[1:10:02] In the last 40 seconds

[1:10:03] of episode 123,

[1:10:05] hey, another taking a poem,

[1:10:07] 123.

[1:10:08] Oh, wow.

[1:10:08] It's the secret thing

[1:10:09] that runs the world.

[1:10:11] In the last 40 episodes

[1:10:12] of episode 123,

[1:10:14] Stuart seems to be

[1:10:15] in the middle

[1:10:15] of describing

[1:10:16] a wrestler named

[1:10:17] a wrestler

[1:10:19] named Dr. Nuts

[1:10:22] who his thing is,

[1:10:24] he always got his nuts out.

[1:10:26] And after

[1:10:27] an extensive

[1:10:28] Google image search.

[1:10:29] This is a dumb show.

[1:10:30] After an extensive

[1:10:31] Google image search

[1:10:34] and some psychosexual confusion,

[1:10:36] I find this character

[1:10:37] does not seem

[1:10:38] to exist on Earth.

[1:10:39] Any follow-up

[1:10:40] would be much...

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:41] Maybe in the Galactic

[1:10:42] Wrestling Federation.

[1:10:44] Any follow-up...

Dan McCoy

[1:10:45] Thank you for opening

[1:10:46] the door to that possibility.

[1:10:47] Any follow-up

[1:10:48] would be much appreciated.

[1:10:50] XOXO,

[1:10:50] Jon Hamm from Mad Men

[1:10:51] last name was...

[1:10:52] Oh, wow.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:54] Wow, that's a big star

[1:10:55] writing in,

[1:10:56] but that makes sense.

[1:10:56] That tracks with his interests.

[1:10:59] So...

[1:10:59] Not wearing underwear.

[1:11:00] I feel like that was

[1:11:01] an inside joke

[1:11:02] with some friends of mine

[1:11:03] where we're all

[1:11:04] inventing wrestlers

[1:11:05] that we would like to have

[1:11:06] in our wrestling federation.

[1:11:09] And Dr. Nuts

[1:11:10] was one of them.

[1:11:11] I probably could remember

[1:11:12] some others,

[1:11:13] but you know what, guys?

[1:11:14] I drink a lot

[1:11:15] and my memory's bad.

[1:11:17] That was before

[1:11:18] you became a healthy stew.

[1:11:19] No, I still drink.

[1:11:21] My memory's still bad.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:25] Hey, let's move on

[1:11:26] to recommendations

[1:11:27] of movies

[1:11:28] that we saw,

[1:11:31] that we enjoyed,

[1:11:32] that...

[1:11:33] Why not?

[1:11:33] We might...

[1:11:34] Yeah, let's do it.

[1:11:34] Let's just...

[1:11:35] Let's go crazy.

[1:11:37] Yeah, let's go crazy.

[1:11:37] You know what?

[1:11:38] I'm gonna...

[1:11:38] I'm looking back

[1:11:39] on my diary.

[1:11:40] Your diary?

[1:11:41] Well, my movie diary.

[1:11:43] Oh.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:44] To your diary,

[1:11:45] I'm seeing Elliot and Stuart today.

[1:11:47] I can't wait

[1:11:47] to talk about movies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:48] This is my diary

[1:11:49] where I only talk about things

[1:11:50] that haven't happened yet.

[1:11:52] I...

[1:11:52] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:54] I watched a lot of movies

[1:11:55] lately

[1:11:56] because

[1:11:57] Audrey had COVID

[1:11:59] for a while

[1:12:00] and so we were quarantining

[1:12:01] on opposite sides

[1:12:02] of the apartment

[1:12:02] and I was...

[1:12:04] You're just going through

[1:12:05] the Cinemax

[1:12:05] late night offerings?

[1:12:06] Going through...

[1:12:07] Yeah.

[1:12:07] All of those

[1:12:08] Showtime as well.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:11] No.

[1:12:12] The Showtime ones

[1:12:13] I always found were not...

[1:12:14] I mean,

[1:12:14] not that I've looked

[1:12:14] at any of them in years

[1:12:15] but the Showtime ones

[1:12:16] I always found

[1:12:17] were not quite

[1:12:17] at the same level

[1:12:18] of sleaze

[1:12:20] as the Cinemax.

[1:12:21] With the Showtime ones

[1:12:22] it was like...

[1:12:22] You turned your nose up

[1:12:23] on those.

[1:12:23] The Showtime ones

[1:12:24] it was like,

[1:12:24] we're making a TV show

[1:12:25] that has some nudity in it

[1:12:26] but we're still pretending

[1:12:27] we're making a TV show

[1:12:28] whereas Cinemax was like,

[1:12:28] we know what you're here for.

[1:12:30] Well,

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:30] they have Boner Police 4

[1:12:32] but it's only Pan and Scan.

[1:12:36] Not as the director intended.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:39] You know what?

[1:12:39] I'm going to recommend

[1:12:40] a movie though

[1:12:41] that I saw

[1:12:42] a ways back

[1:12:43] actually at a weird Wednesday.

[1:12:46] So why were you telling us

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:47] the story about

[1:12:48] watching movies

[1:12:49] on the other end

[1:12:50] of the apartment?

[1:12:50] I mean,

[1:12:51] the point was...

[1:12:51] It's not relevant at all?

Dan McCoy

[1:12:53] No,

[1:12:53] it's not really relevant.

[1:12:54] He's establishing

[1:12:55] a connection with a listener.

[1:12:55] I'm establishing

[1:12:56] that I went through...

[1:12:57] I watched a lot of movies

[1:12:58] but nothing like really

[1:13:00] stuck out to me.

[1:13:02] You're showing us your work.

[1:13:04] Okay.

[1:13:04] But the movie

[1:13:05] that did stick out to me

[1:13:07] is a movie

[1:13:08] that I can't...

[1:13:09] I cannot sell to you

[1:13:11] as a good movie per se

[1:13:12] but it is an interesting movie.

[1:13:14] A movie

[1:13:15] that has its own

[1:13:16] weird corner

[1:13:17] of film history

[1:13:18] in that it was

[1:13:19] the first shot

[1:13:20] on video horror movie

[1:13:21] that was released theatrically.

[1:13:23] It was a...

[1:13:23] It was

[1:13:24] a direct-to-video movie

[1:13:26] and then they blew it

[1:13:27] up to 35mm

[1:13:28] which made it look

[1:13:29] terrible.

[1:13:29] Very strange.

[1:13:32] It's called

[1:13:32] Boarding House.

[1:13:35] It is

[1:13:36] a weird movie

[1:13:37] about a guy

[1:13:39] who...

[1:13:40] There was a...

[1:13:42] There were a lot of incidents

[1:13:43] in this house.

[1:13:44] This house

[1:13:44] had some sort of

[1:13:46] paranormal

[1:13:47] energies.

[1:13:48] Like,

[1:13:48] they did, like,

[1:13:49] telekinesis experiments

[1:13:50] in it

[1:13:51] but also, like,

[1:13:52] it just seems like

[1:13:52] maybe there's, like,

[1:13:54] supernatural shit.

[1:13:55] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:55] That is supernatural shit.

[1:13:56] Yeah.

[1:13:57] Well, but, like...

[1:13:57] You're like,

[1:13:58] there might be ghosts

[1:13:58] in the house

[1:13:59] but there also

[1:13:59] might be supernatural stuff.

[1:14:00] Well, I mean,

Dan McCoy

[1:14:01] telekinesis is, like,

[1:14:02] pseudoscience stuff

[1:14:04] whereas, like...

[1:14:05] Okay.

[1:14:06] Well, anyway,

[1:14:06] it's not...

[1:14:07] No, no, it's cool.

[1:14:07] Yeah, yeah.

[1:14:08] Yeah, yeah.

[1:14:08] Dubious.

[1:14:09] I'm saying that

[1:14:10] it's not ghosts

[1:14:11] but then later on

[1:14:12] it seems like

[1:14:12] maybe it's also ghosts.

[1:14:13] It's, like,

[1:14:14] one of these, like,

[1:14:14] movies where,

[1:14:16] you know,

[1:14:17] in the tradition

[1:14:18] of, like,

[1:14:18] Hausu or Poltergeist

[1:14:19] where, like,

[1:14:21] there's not necessarily

[1:14:22] a clear

[1:14:24] through line

[1:14:27] through all of the

[1:14:27] scary stuff that happens.

[1:14:29] It's just, like,

[1:14:29] I don't know.

[1:14:30] What are some scary images?

[1:14:31] We'll throw those

[1:14:32] in this house.

[1:14:32] I get you.

[1:14:33] You know?

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:33] To put it in layman's terms,

[1:14:34] you can't tell

[1:14:35] if it's actual

[1:14:35] supernatural stuff

[1:14:36] or if just

[1:14:37] Los' spookies

[1:14:38] are on the case.

[1:14:39] It could be.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:42] But it's funny.

[1:14:42] This guy

[1:14:43] starts this boarding house

[1:14:45] and he, like,

[1:14:45] puts an ad

[1:14:47] in the paper

[1:14:47] saying, like,

[1:14:48] looking for young women

[1:14:49] from my boarding house

[1:14:51] which apparently

[1:14:52] is not a red flag

[1:14:56] because a bunch

[1:14:57] of hot young women

[1:14:58] show up

[1:14:58] and there's a lot

[1:15:00] of, like,

[1:15:00] hot tubbing

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:01] in this movie

[1:15:02] but also

[1:15:03] Wanted.

[1:15:04] Women lodgers

[1:15:05] from my boarding house

[1:15:06] must be young

[1:15:07] slash topless.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:08] Yeah.

[1:15:09] But also there's, like,

[1:15:10] telekinesis going on.

[1:15:11] Like,

[1:15:12] this is the main

[1:15:12] The makers of this movie,

[1:15:14] like,

[1:15:14] they did

[1:15:16] Transcendental Meditation.

[1:15:18] Like, that was, like...

[1:15:18] No, so David Lynch

[1:15:19] made it.

[1:15:20] Yeah.

[1:15:21] But this movie

[1:15:22] postulates that

[1:15:23] if you just meditate

[1:15:24] hard enough

[1:15:24] you can get telekinesis.

[1:15:26] Wow.

[1:15:27] Yeah, that's cool.

[1:15:28] Anyway, like,

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:29] so I should make...

[1:15:30] So all of this

Dan McCoy

[1:15:31] should make it clear.

[1:15:32] Not a traditionally

[1:15:34] good movie

[1:15:35] but a very

[1:15:36] fascinating

[1:15:37] weird one.

[1:15:39] Like,

[1:15:39] it feels like

[1:15:40] a half-remembered

[1:15:42] dream of falling asleep

[1:15:43] to,

[1:15:44] you know,

[1:15:46] late night

[1:15:47] cable programming.

[1:15:50] It's a beautiful way

[1:15:51] to put it.

[1:15:52] Yeah.

[1:15:53] Boarding house.

[1:15:53] Like,

[1:15:54] it's not for everyone

[1:15:55] but if you like

[1:15:56] the kind of thing

[1:15:56] that I'm talking about

[1:15:58] this will interest you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:00] I'm gonna recommend

[1:16:01] a Korean action movie

[1:16:04] from 2017

[1:16:05] called The Outlaws.

[1:16:08] It's based on

[1:16:09] some real events

[1:16:10] about a gang war

[1:16:12] that took place in Seoul

[1:16:13] between Chinese-Korean gangs.

[1:16:16] There's some really great

[1:16:17] inspired action scenes.

[1:16:19] There's some fun performances

[1:16:20] and it's also

[1:16:21] the whole movie

[1:16:21] is anchored on its star.

[1:16:23] That's right.

[1:16:24] The Massive

[1:16:25] Ma Dong Saeok

[1:16:26] who performs

[1:16:28] also under the name

[1:16:28] Don Lee.

[1:16:29] He is the beefiest dude.

[1:16:31] Oh,

[1:16:32] body goals.

[1:16:32] What a monster.

[1:16:33] He's great.

[1:16:34] I believe they actually,

[1:16:35] you know,

[1:16:36] this guy.

[1:16:37] Is he the,

[1:16:38] yeah.

[1:16:38] Yeah.

[1:16:39] He's the,

[1:16:40] his character is referred to as,

[1:16:43] his character is referred to as

[1:16:45] the Beast Cop.

[1:16:48] Yeah,

[1:16:49] he's,

[1:16:49] you know,

[1:16:50] from Train to Busan.

[1:16:51] He's also in the Eternals

[1:16:52] as Gilgamesh.

[1:16:54] You know,

[1:16:54] everyone's favorite character,

[1:16:55] everyone's favorite

[1:16:56] eternal.

[1:16:57] Everyone's favorite MCU character,

[1:16:59] Gilgamesh the Forgotten One.

[1:16:59] But he's just such a beefy dude

[1:17:01] and he's great

[1:17:02] and what you should do

[1:17:03] to brighten your day,

[1:17:04] just Google

[1:17:05] Ma Dong Saeok

[1:17:06] kitten

[1:17:07] and you will be covered in a deluge

[1:17:10] of pictures of him

[1:17:12] cradling the tiniest little kittens

[1:17:14] in his beefy hands.

[1:17:15] It's amazing.

[1:17:17] So that's why I'm recommending

[1:17:18] The Outlaws.

[1:17:19] And I think there's a sequel,

[1:17:20] The Roundup.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:21] I'm going to recommend a movie

[1:17:22] from 1931

[1:17:23] because I'm me.

[1:17:24] This is a movie starring

[1:17:25] Barbara Stanwyck

[1:17:26] and Clark Gable

[1:17:28] and Joan Blondel

[1:17:29] and directed by William Wellman.

[1:17:30] It's called Night Nurse.

[1:17:31] That's right.

[1:17:32] It's one of the more,

[1:17:33] I guess,

[1:17:35] It's risque.

[1:17:36] It is.

[1:17:36] One of the more notorious

[1:17:37] pre-code movies

[1:17:39] from the 30s

[1:17:40] and I thought I had seen it

[1:17:41] and it turns out I hadn't

[1:17:42] and I watched it

[1:17:42] and it's super fun.

[1:17:43] It's a really fun movie.

[1:17:44] Barbara Stanwyck's a young woman.

[1:17:45] She becomes a nurse.

[1:17:47] She and Joan Blondel

[1:17:48] are roommates

[1:17:49] who are frequently

[1:17:50] just wearing skirt slips

[1:17:51] and bras

[1:17:52] and she gets a job

[1:17:55] as the night nurse

[1:17:56] for some rich children

[1:17:57] who it seems

[1:17:58] are possibly

[1:17:59] being allowed

[1:18:01] to wither away

[1:18:02] and die

[1:18:03] by the people

[1:18:05] in charge of them

[1:18:05] because they are

[1:18:06] heirs to a lot of money.

[1:18:08] But anyway,

[1:18:08] it's really fun.

[1:18:09] It's super fast and snappy.

[1:18:11] It's less than 80 minutes long

[1:18:12] and there's a couple of scenes

[1:18:15] in it that are really funny.

[1:18:16] There's a couple of scenes

[1:18:17] that are just fun.

[1:18:18] The characters

[1:18:19] are always yelling

[1:18:19] at each other

[1:18:20] and you get to see

[1:18:23] in her underwear.

[1:18:24] So,

[1:18:25] it's super fun.

[1:18:25] Everybody wins, I guess.

[1:18:27] And there's a cut

[1:18:28] and it's one of these movies.

[1:18:31] So,

[1:18:31] William Wellman

[1:18:31] was a director

[1:18:32] who was like

[1:18:33] really great

[1:18:34] at doing

[1:18:34] kind of like

[1:18:35] snappy action

[1:18:36] and snappy

[1:18:37] like,

[1:18:38] you know,

[1:18:40] thrills and suspense

[1:18:41] and all sorts of things

[1:18:42] and this is

[1:18:42] very much in keeping with that.

[1:18:44] So,

[1:18:44] that's night nurse.

[1:18:45] If you like old movies

[1:18:46] that are kind of fun,

Dan McCoy

[1:18:46] it's well worth seeing.

[1:18:47] I spaced out on

[1:18:48] Elliot Pervin

[1:18:50] out on

[1:18:51] because I was looking

[1:18:52] at this picture

[1:18:53] of Pervin out on

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:54] Ma Delance

[1:18:54] holding kittens.

[1:18:56] Look at,

[1:18:56] his arm is so huge.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:58] Yeah,

[1:18:58] he's a monster.

[1:18:59] Big arm and a little cat.

[1:19:00] Yeah,

[1:19:01] that's why he plays

[1:19:02] the beast cop.

[1:19:04] Well,

[1:19:06] what a pleasure

[1:19:07] to all be in the same room,

[1:19:08] guys.

[1:19:08] Yeah,

[1:19:09] baby.

[1:19:09] Feel the energy.

[1:19:10] Hear the noise.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:12] Bring in the noise.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:13] Bring in the funk.

[1:19:14] Bring in the kittens.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:17] Unfortunately,

[1:19:17] we only have enough room

[1:19:18] for the noise.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:19] We can't bring in

[1:19:21] the funk right now

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:21] until we take the noise out.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:22] I feel like we've

[1:19:23] made reference

[1:19:24] to bring in the noise,

[1:19:26] bring in the funk

[1:19:26] more times.

[1:19:27] Really?

[1:19:28] I don't know.

[1:19:29] Maybe.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:30] More times than zero.

[1:19:31] Yeah.

[1:19:33] Well,

[1:19:33] I was just thinking of like,

[1:19:34] do you remember

[1:19:34] Charles Holman

[1:19:35] from Earlham?

[1:19:37] Yes.

[1:19:38] He was our theater professor

[1:19:41] and he was this like

[1:19:44] big,

[1:19:45] shambling,

[1:19:46] like 60-year-old

[1:19:48] gay black man

[1:19:49] who like had like,

[1:19:51] he was just like

[1:19:52] gravel voice

[1:19:53] and like loved

[1:19:54] all the kids.

[1:19:54] Yeah.

[1:19:55] And he was like,

[1:19:57] he would just like

[1:19:59] read the newspaper

[1:20:00] to himself

[1:20:01] in the arts office

[1:20:03] where I was working

[1:20:04] as a like work-study student

[1:20:05] and he was like,

[1:20:07] bring in the noise,

[1:20:08] bring in the funk.

[1:20:10] And he'd like turn to me like,

[1:20:11] I'd like to see you

[1:20:12] and bring in the noise,

[1:20:15] And I was like,

[1:20:16] I would do.

[1:20:17] I was like,

[1:20:17] I don't think I can,

[1:20:18] I don't have either of those things.

[1:20:19] I'll bring,

[1:20:20] I'll bring in the snacks.

[1:20:21] He's like,

[1:20:22] oh,

[1:20:22] you're bringing in the snacks?

[1:20:23] Okay.

[1:20:25] He was such a,

[1:20:26] he was a great,

[1:20:27] he was a great professor.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:28] I wonder if he was trying

[1:20:29] to challenge you

[1:20:29] and be like,

[1:20:30] I'll show you,

[1:20:30] I will be in

[1:20:31] bring in the noise,

[1:20:32] And then you only get into stomp

[1:20:34] and he's like,

[1:20:34] not the same thing.

[1:20:36] Go captain my captain.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:39] Go captain my noise and funk.

[1:20:41] So this is where

[1:20:42] we're going to sign off.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:43] Do we want to thank anyone?

[1:20:44] Oh, this is where we're going to sign off.

[1:20:45] Oh yeah,

[1:20:46] we should thank

[1:20:46] the Academy,

[1:20:48] of course.

[1:20:49] Yeah, of course.

[1:20:49] All of our agents.

[1:20:50] Yeah.

[1:20:52] Thank you to Maximum Fun

[1:20:53] for having us.

[1:20:56] They run the network

[1:20:57] that we are on.

[1:20:58] Maximumfun.org

[1:21:00] is the website

[1:21:00] where you can go

[1:21:01] and look at other podcasts

[1:21:04] on our network.

[1:21:06] If you go to

[1:21:07] flophousepodcast.com,

[1:21:09] you can find

[1:21:10] our official site

[1:21:11] which has links

[1:21:12] to merch

[1:21:13] and all of our socials

[1:21:15] and stuff like that.

[1:21:17] And,

Dan McCoy

[1:21:17] I don't know,

[1:21:18] poke around,

[1:21:19] take a look.

[1:21:20] Alex Smith

[1:21:21] is our producer.

[1:21:23] If you want to find him

[1:21:24] on the internet,

[1:21:25] he is at

[1:21:25] HowellDotty

[1:21:27] on Twitter.

[1:21:30] That's like

[1:21:30] H-O-W-E-L-L-D-A-W-D-Y.

[1:21:37] Yep, you did it.

[1:21:40] But,

[1:21:40] that's it,

[1:21:42] I think.

[1:21:43] Thank you for listening.

[1:21:44] For the Flophouse,

[1:21:45] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:21:47] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:21:49] I've been Elliot Kalin

[1:21:49] in New York City

[1:21:51] of all places.

[1:21:52] In New York.

[1:21:54] That is where Elliot is now.

[1:21:58] Soon he will go home.

[1:22:00] Keep it going,

[1:22:01] keep it going.

[1:22:02] But now he's in New York.

[1:22:05] Concrete jungle

[1:22:06] where Elliot is

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:08] until this afternoon.

[1:22:09] So that's not a Muppets type song.

[1:22:10] When he goes to New Jersey.

[1:22:12] No, it's not a Muppets type song.

[1:22:13] Okay.

[1:22:14] No.

[1:22:14] Bye everyone.

[1:22:16] Bye.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:19] Bye.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:20] You're going to like the way

[1:22:21] you look.

[1:22:23] You have a men's warehouse.

[1:22:24] I guarantee it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:25] That's men's sleepy warehouse

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:26] like a men's warehouse.

[1:22:28] I'm pretty sure that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:30] You're going to like

[1:22:31] the way you look

[1:22:31] in our pajamas.

[1:22:33] So good.

[1:22:34] Yeah, that's a little bit

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:35] of a Nicolas Cage bit too.

[1:22:37] We're going to lie

[1:22:38] the way you look.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:39] Oh my God.

[1:22:40] All right, let's do it.

[1:22:42] Let's start.

[1:22:42] Let's do it.

[1:22:43] Yeah, why not?

[1:22:44] Let's do the thing.

Jesse Thorn

[1:22:44] MaximumFun.org

[1:22:47] Comedy and culture.

[1:22:49] Artist owned.

[1:22:50] Audience supported.

Ep.#371 - The King's Daughter

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