Ep. #372 - Old

Elliott Kalan

[0:00] Hey, Flophouse listeners. Normally, this is the time where Dan would say on this episode,

[0:03] but first, I want to tell you about something very exciting. The Flophouse is coming back live.

[0:08] Yeah, over the internet? No, not over the internet. In front of your faces,

[0:11] if you live in New York or Brooklyn or have access to a way to transport yourself there.

[0:15] That's right, August 7th at 7.30 p.m. at the Bell House, our old stomping grounds.

[0:20] We're going to be doing our first live in-person show in about three years, since 2019.

[0:25] Yeah, I'm so horny for that shit.

[0:27] We're going to be having a great time on stage in front of people, barring another outbreak of a deadly disease.

[0:32] That's August 7th, 7.30 p.m. We're going to be talking Morbius.

[0:35] That's right, it's the summer of Morbius. Morbin time, meme, meme, meme, meme, meme, etc.

[0:39] Just go to thebellhouseny.com for tickets. That's thebellhouseny.com.

[0:44] That's August 7th, 7.30 p.m. for the show. Doors open at 6.30.

[0:48] We're going to be talking the Morbster. That's right.

[0:51] And you're going to be there, watching it in person and loving every minute of it.

[0:55] And now, Dan, take it away.

Dan McCoy

[0:58] It's me, Dan. On this episode, we discuss old.

[1:03] Where life's a beach and then you die.

[1:06] Ow!

Stuart Wellington

[1:10] Is that a welcome to the jungle?

Elliott Kalan

[1:13] Welcome to the beach.

[1:14] You're going to die!

[1:15] Hey, everyone. Welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:45] What is up, Dan McCoy? It's me, Stuart Wellington, over here.

Elliott Kalan

[1:49] And over here in California, it's Elliot Kalin.

[1:53] Hey, guys. How are you doing?

Dan McCoy

[1:55] Okay.

[1:56] Just chilling, dog.

[1:57] Stuart's wearing a terrycloth, what is this, a cheetah print shirt?

Stuart Wellington

[2:02] Yeah, it's like, you know, like beach wear.

[2:04] Why would that be appropriate for today's movie, guys?

[2:07] Well, that's because we're talking about a beach that turns you old.

[2:10] That's right. We're watching old by Edward Scheinman.

[2:12] We're watching the movie The Beach That Turns You Old.

Elliott Kalan

[2:15] The interesting interpretation of beach wear.

[2:18] Yep.

[2:19] That's right.

[2:20] But we're watching the movie about the beach that turns you old.

[2:23] Why do we do that?

[2:23] Dan, what kind of podcast is this?

[2:25] Wait, this isn't a How to Learn German podcast.

Dan McCoy

[2:28] This is a podcast where we watch a movie that was a critical or commercial failure and talk about it.

[2:38] This one's right on the edge.

[2:39] Can we also sometimes talk about Topeka?

[2:41] We do talk about Topeka sometimes.

[2:43] We provide a forum for other people to share their thoughts about Topeka.

[2:47] It got 55 as the Metacritic average.

[2:51] It got very positive reviews and it got very negative reviews.

[2:55] And people's opinions of it seem to be pretty all over the map.

[2:59] What will we think about it?

[3:00] And it was a financial success.

[3:01] Who knows?

[3:02] Yeah.

[3:04] That's what we're going to find out about today.

[3:05] Was he due for one of those?

[3:06] How's our boy Evan doing?

[3:08] Okay.

[3:08] I don't – I mean like I think the recent sort of like – I think Split did very well for him and then Glass was kind of middling.

[3:17] But I think he's on a bit of a minor upswing.

Stuart Wellington

[3:19] And clearly he hasn't gotten all his person's bones or Glass because we got a little bit of that in Old.

[3:26] Don't want to spoil anything.

[3:27] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[3:29] You know what?

[3:30] I would say he's doing pretty well.

[3:32] He's kind of had a resurgence.

[3:33] You might say it's a new day for M. Night.

Stuart Wellington

[3:36] Oh, I wouldn't say that though.

[3:38] Oh.

[3:39] It is –

[3:39] Oh, wait.

Dan McCoy

[3:39] I was wrong.

[3:40] Glass was a huge hit.

[3:41] What are you –

[3:42] Fucking crushing it.

[3:43] The entire city of Philly turned out for their favorite son.

[3:46] On a budget of $20 million, it made $247 million, Glass did.

[3:53] That is amazing.

[3:54] I mean, say this about M.

Elliott Kalan

[3:56] He can stretch a budget.

[3:58] Like he can –

[3:59] Yeah.

[4:00] You're right.

[4:00] It's amazing that on only $20 million, he made a movie that looks like it was shot for $5 million.

Stuart Wellington

[4:08] Oh, roasted.

[4:09] Oh, man.

[4:10] Boom.

[4:11] Let's give him some cream for that burn you provided.

[4:15] Okay.

[4:16] Don't worry.

Elliott Kalan

[4:16] He's going to heal real fast because he's on a magic beach.

[4:19] Magic beach.

[4:19] Tell us all about it.

Stuart Wellington

[4:20] So –

[4:20] Or a science beach.

[4:21] It depends on which interpretation you follow or whether or not you read the goof section,

[4:26] which it feels like this movie is like an oops all goofs.

Elliott Kalan

[4:29] It feels like it is taunting the goofs.

[4:32] It's just like trolling the goofs.

[4:33] Although I will say Arthur C. Clarke once said that any beach that's advanced enough is indistinct from magic.

[4:41] You can't tell the difference between a beach of advanced enough science is indistinguishable from magic.

Stuart Wellington

[4:48] Alex is going to cut that joke to make it a little tighter, but I think it's going to kill.

[4:52] Just like this beach.

Elliott Kalan

[4:53] Guys, it's been a long morning.

[4:55] It's been a long morning.

[4:56] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[4:57] So movie opens.

[4:58] We are introduced to a family of four, the Coppa family.

[5:02] Not like Coppa the Turtle or like the clothing brand.

Elliott Kalan

[5:06] So you're saying they don't have bowls on their head and when they bow, the water falls out of the bowl and they become incapacitated like a Japanese Coppa.

Stuart Wellington

[5:13] They do not do that, nor are they two like mudflap girls back-to-back on some sportswear.

[5:20] Okay.

[5:20] So it's a family of four.

[5:22] The father is played by the incredibly hot Gail Garcia Bernal.

[5:26] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[5:27] Audrey was keen on – wait.

[5:30] I don't know why you're laughing because Audrey was keen on watching this.

[5:32] That is her number one man, Gail Garcia Bernal.

[5:36] She's got a type.

[5:39] Stay looking at Dan.

[5:41] That's true.

[5:42] I don't quite see it.

[5:44] You slap a beard on our boy.

[5:45] Yeah, you guys like to see it.

[5:46] Yeah, I see it.

[5:47] I see it.

Stuart Wellington

[5:49] Okay.

[5:49] So I don't have the full cast in front of me, but Gail is playing Guy.

[5:57] It's probably easier for him to remember.

[5:58] Yeah, they just cut the hell off.

[6:00] His wife is Prisca.

[6:02] Is that the name?

Elliott Kalan

[6:04] Yeah, Prisca.

[6:05] Prisca.

Stuart Wellington

[6:05] Yeah, something like that.

Elliott Kalan

[6:06] And they have troops from Phantom Thread.

[6:08] Yeah.

[6:09] Right.

Stuart Wellington

[6:10] And also we have an 11-year-old daughter, Maddox, and a six-year-old son, Trent, who is very precocious.

[6:17] They arrive at a very fancy resort.

[6:22] They are greeted by a vaguely German guy who is only a little bit – he's like a slightly less creepy Peter Stromer.

[6:30] Yeah.

[6:31] They're given special –

Elliott Kalan

[6:32] He looks like a guy who won first prize in a Peter Stromer lookalike contest.

Stuart Wellington

[6:37] True, yeah.

[6:39] And it's got all the trimmings here, folks.

[6:41] We got specialty cocktails.

[6:42] Grandberry sauce.

[6:44] Yep.

[6:44] We got a drink fountain, a candy station, everything you could ask for from your fancy hotel.

[6:51] This is like the White Lotus, baby.

[6:54] Like give me more of this, except it's not as stressful as the White Lotus.

Elliott Kalan

[6:58] I would say much more stressful considering what happens to every single character, Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[7:03] I mean I would say the events are more stressful, but the storytelling is less artful and stressful.

[7:10] But maybe that's because I'm a Mike White stan.

Elliott Kalan

[7:12] And nobody ends up with a poop in their suitcase.

[7:14] Spoiler alert.

Stuart Wellington

[7:16] Okay.

[7:18] So the youngest son –

[7:19] Now you've got to watch this show.

[7:20] A poop in a suitcase?

[7:21] It's so great.

[7:21] It's actually a spoiler alert for old that no one ends up with a poop in their suitcase in the movie Old.

[7:26] Although just because it's not shown doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

[7:30] That's true.

[7:30] There's a whole world outside the frame.

[7:32] So the youngest son –

[7:34] Take that, CinemaSins.

[7:36] The young precocious kid, Trent, makes friends with a kid who like lives at the resort named – wait, I got it somewhere – Idlib?

[7:47] Yeah, Idlib.

[7:47] Idlib.

Elliott Kalan

[7:47] And he's the nephew of the resort manager.

[7:51] Yeah.

[7:51] So it's unclear why he lives at the resort.

[7:55] But I guess that's a sitcom right there is I'm this resort manager who's kind of like Peter Stormare and suddenly I'm inheriting this nephew has to come live with me.

[8:05] Oh, oh, so much trouble.

[8:07] Every episode.

Stuart Wellington

[8:08] So they settle into this resort.

[8:10] It seems like paradise.

[8:11] The kids go around and they meet all these people that are at the resort including a chef, a cop, and a dancer.

Elliott Kalan

[8:20] Trent likes nothing more than to meet someone and ask them what they do for a living and then immediately walk away uninterested in the details.

Stuart Wellington

[8:26] Well, he also needs to know their name and, yeah, I think it's just name and profession.

[8:32] And luckily there's no one with a boring profession.

[8:34] Everyone has a very specific, somewhat interesting profession.

[8:37] Yeah, I wanted to –

Elliott Kalan

[8:38] Except for Gal Garcia-Banall who is an insurance adjuster.

[8:42] Yeah, I guess he's an actuary.

Dan McCoy

[8:43] Yeah.

[8:43] I want to get into this.

[8:45] There's nothing more emblematic of the film Old than the scene in which the kid asks what these people do for a living and then just leaves.

[8:53] Because this movie loves to tell you what various characters do for a living.

[8:58] Like sometimes when it doesn't make sense.

[9:00] Like someone says that they're a nurse twice in the movie.

[9:04] Like it was like, well, we already established this movie.

[9:06] And then there's another point where Vicky Creeps' character is like, no, you can – like she's like trying to show that you can trust that she knows about some medical thing basically.

[9:16] And she's like, I'm a museum curator.

[9:20] Like I'm like, why does that mean that you can trust her more?

[9:24] She's trying to prove that she's human, Dan.

[9:26] She's not just writing words on a page.

Elliott Kalan

[9:28] That's how – and that Gal Garcia-Banall will be able to piece together that there's something fishy going on because he's like, but according to the insurance odds, it makes no sense that two people would die on a beach.

[9:39] The odds are astronomical.

[9:40] That's so great.

[9:40] Like everyone is – everyone is defined by their job and also by the relationship to one other human being on the planet.

[9:47] Yeah.

[9:47] Oh, yeah.

[9:49] Okay.

[9:49] Ken Lung says he's a nurse so many times in this.

[9:52] He just cannot stop telling people he's a nurse.

Stuart Wellington

[9:54] He introduces himself by name and then his profession multiple times.

[9:58] Yes.

[9:59] Okay.

[9:59] So Guy and Prisca are planning on separating after their vacation.

[10:04] They're just like two opposite.

[10:06] He thinks about the future and she's always thinking about the past.

Elliott Kalan

[10:09] This is something that does not bear out at all, that he's always thinking about the future and she's always thinking about the past.

[10:15] It never comes up again really.

Dan McCoy

[10:16] Well, this feels like a screenwriter's notes to himself.

[10:20] Like M. Night's like, okay, well, this is going to be about people growing older.

[10:23] So one of the characters should have a future job and one of them should have a past job and this should inform their personalities.

[10:31] And he's like, that's good.

[10:32] That's good.

[10:32] He writes it down and then he doesn't like actually weave it into the story.

[10:38] He's like, I told you.

Stuart Wellington

[10:40] Showing is telling, right?

[10:41] And they vaguely allude to a medical condition that Prisca has that we'll find out all about later in gory detail.

[10:50] Meanwhile, we cut to the beach at night.

[10:53] This is a different beach.

[10:54] We haven't seen this beach before, but we're going to see it a fuckload.

Elliott Kalan

[10:57] It becomes explicable later, but the way this scene is inserted is completely inexplicable.

[11:02] Stuart, tell us all about it.

[11:03] Yeah, it's great.

Stuart Wellington

[11:04] So we have a man and a woman on the beach.

Elliott Kalan

[11:09] We don't yet know that the man has the most hilarious character name in the history of filmmaking, but we'll get there eventually.

Stuart Wellington

[11:15] The woman strips her clothes off and goes skinny dipping.

[11:18] End of scene.

Dan McCoy

[11:19] Yeah, and this is where Audrey yells at the screen, no, your boobs are going to get old.

Stuart Wellington

[11:27] Okay, so cut immediately to the restaurant at the resort in the morning.

[11:33] We are introduced to another family.

[11:35] This one is led by Rufus Sewell, also hot, but definitely going to be evil.

[11:41] Yeah.

[11:42] He is not in any movie except for Dark City where he is not fucking evil.

Dan McCoy

[11:46] And I'm going to take a page from Elliot and say that I saw Rufus Sewell on stage in London as Richard III, and it was a-

[11:53] Perfect casting.

[11:54] Not a good production of Richard III.

[11:55] What?

[11:55] Really?

Elliott Kalan

[11:56] Oh, that's too bad because I saw him on stage on Broadway in Rock and Roll, the Tom Stoppard play, and he was great in it.

[12:02] Brian Cox was great in it.

[12:03] It was a great play.

[12:04] I loved it.

[12:04] I'm sure he's good in general.

Dan McCoy

[12:06] It's just I don't think the production was not so hot.

Elliott Kalan

[12:08] Rufus Sewell seems to be someone who very easily falls back on tricks when someone is not keeping him honest.

[12:14] I could be wrong about that, but I feel like in his acting, either someone's keeping him honest or he's being like, I'm just going to Sewell my way through this one.

Stuart Wellington

[12:23] So Rufi here, Rufio, he's playing character named Charles.

[12:29] That's what his friends call him.

[12:30] Yep, he's playing a fellow named Charles who's a doctor.

[12:34] He's like the head surgeon.

[12:36] He's a big deal.

[12:36] And he's traveling with his elderly mother and her dog, his trophy wife, and their young daughter.

[12:43] They have a very awkward interaction with the guy working their server at the restaurant.

Dan McCoy

[12:50] It's terrible.

[12:50] Yeah, well, she wants to make sure that the calcium bomb drink that she's getting is a real calcium bomb because she has a bone condition,

[12:59] which will manifest itself in a hilarious way later on.

[13:03] Very important.

Stuart Wellington

[13:04] I hope she does not have boneitis, Dan.

[13:08] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[13:09] She's like, I need calcium because I have Suspiria disease.

[13:13] So if you can make sure there's a lot of calcium in there.

Dan McCoy

[13:15] And then she's like, could you recommend anything to me from this part of the menu in a way that like,

[13:22] so the guy would like lean over and it feels very like flirty and seductive.

[13:26] It's how I act when I go get breakfast on Fire Island.

[13:29] It also – but it seems kind of like – I don't see why this is a seduction technique basically.

[13:35] Like you have lured the waiter like four inches closer to you.

[13:40] I guess that was the point of it.

Elliott Kalan

[13:42] So, Dan, you'll learn this when you go back to school for your sex masters.

[13:47] But there's a zone of four inches away from every human body.

[13:50] It's called the erogenous zone.

[13:52] And when you're within that area, there's a heightened pheromonal attraction that is almost inescapable at times.

[13:58] And that's why it takes such effort to get through a subway ride without an orgy breaking out.

[14:04] And that's why you have all those signs in the subway that say – that have a cross through two bodies doing it.

[14:09] That says, not here.

[14:11] Save it at home.

[14:12] And it says, don't bone in the zone.

[14:14] Anyway, that's – don't blame me for the rhyme on that one.

[14:16] That's nyc.gov.

[14:18] It says, don't bone in the zone.

[14:19] And they're saying that erogenous zone is not permission to just bone in public.

Dan McCoy

[14:22] You know, that explains it because it's true that there's no time I feel sexier than on the subway.

Elliott Kalan

[14:28] Then you're crammed into that can of people.

[14:31] You're really feeling myself.

[14:33] Hurdling through the worst smelling tunnels in the world.

Stuart Wellington

[14:36] Yeah, New York's hottest movie, taking a Pelham 123.

[14:40] Don't even get me started.

[14:41] So many hunks.

[14:42] So, we are introduced to two more characters that will show up later.

[14:48] Jaren the nurse and his epileptic wife, Patricia the psychologist.

[14:54] Yeah.

[14:54] She has an epileptic fit.

[14:56] Luckily, Dr. Rufus Sewell is there to save her and she has her –

Elliott Kalan

[15:00] All he really does is tell him to keep stuff away from him.

[15:04] And you have to assume Jaren's like, one, I'm a nurse.

[15:06] Two, I'm a husband.

[15:07] I know how to do this.

Dan McCoy

[15:08] They do have a conversation that's basically like, I'm a doctor.

[15:11] I'm a nurse.

Stuart Wellington

[15:13] And she has like – she has a full-on like seizure.

[15:17] And then is immediately quipping out of it.

[15:19] Like she's like, woo, pops up.

[15:21] She's like, yeah, glad I got that on myself.

Dan McCoy

[15:22] Audrey thought that the people in the back seemed a little too unconcerned about the seizure that was happening because they weren't like looking at it after a certain point.

[15:30] And I'm like, I don't know, man.

[15:31] Like there's two medical professionals on the scene.

[15:34] Like that's the point at which I'm like, okay, I can go along with my life.

[15:38] You just don't want – Dan doesn't want to get hangry is the thing.

Elliott Kalan

[15:41] Well, and also you have to – but there's – I would give them the benefit of the doubt that the person who's experiencing the fit is probably already feeling a sense of embarrassment that this is happening to them.

[15:50] Right, right.

[15:51] So to not direct your attention to them when there's nothing you can do to help them anyway is probably the more polite thing to do in the moment.

[15:57] So Audrey, take that.

Dan McCoy

[15:59] Okay.

[15:59] So two against one, my lovely wife.

[16:04] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[16:04] When someone's having a fit, it's not necessarily that she laser directs her focus on it the entire time.

[16:10] Mm.

[16:11] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[16:11] I'll tell her that next time that we encounter an epileptic seizure.

Elliott Kalan

[16:14] Next time you're at this resort, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[16:16] Yeah.

[16:16] And speaking of being at the resort, we're spending way too much time here.

[16:19] So let's get the fuck out of here.

[16:20] Yeah.

[16:20] So the maitre d' shows up and he offers the Kappa family a special trip to a special beach, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

[16:29] Private beach.

[16:30] And he also gets mad at his nephew for hanging out with the guests.

[16:34] So they are picked up by a van driver played by, that's right, M. Night.

[16:40] He's like, get in, suckers.

Elliott Kalan

[16:41] We're going to the beach that makes you old.

[16:43] Here's your first warning sign.

[16:44] Here's a red flag.

[16:45] If you're ever being driven somewhere, if M. Night Shyamalan gets into the driver's seat, you get out of that car.

[16:49] You do not want to be driven by this man because he's the director and he's driving you somewhere bad.

Dan McCoy

[16:54] The other warning sign is like, you know, the guy says like, oh, I only tell the people I like about this beach.

[17:00] And then Rufus Sewell, who seems unpleasant, and his wife, who seems unpleasant, are like some of the first into the van.

[17:07] And you're like, hmm, there's no way he likes that couple.

[17:12] And it's also like –

[17:13] And also if he likes them, why does he like us?

[17:15] We're so different.

Elliott Kalan

[17:16] Or maybe we're not so different.

[17:18] Oh, no.

[17:19] We have to do some soul searching.

Dan McCoy

[17:20] Well, that made me like – for the first part of the – like something is going on and we'll get into it.

[17:25] But I was like, does he just send the people he doesn't like to this death beach?

[17:30] Is he like – is he sentencing Gail Garcia Bernal's family to death just because he didn't like that the kid made friends with his nephew?

[17:40] Like what's going on?

[17:40] It's basically white lotus.

Elliott Kalan

[17:42] He went from table to table checking the tip they left and he's like, uh, I got a special beach for you.

[17:48] What's this?

[17:49] 30 percent.

[17:49] You can stay at the hotel.

Stuart Wellington

[17:50] He was checking to see what face they made when they drank their custom-crafted cocktail.

Elliott Kalan

[17:54] Uh-oh.

[17:55] Those custom-crafted cocktails.

[17:57] This is a real puzzle movie.

[17:58] There's no extra pieces.

[18:00] So those custom-crafted cocktails, CCC, are going to be a little something special.

[18:05] We'll find out later.

[18:07] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[18:07] So the van driven by M. Night takes the Kappa family and the Rufus Sewell family to the old beach.

[18:13] They have to hike through the forest without a guide.

[18:15] Their path leads them through like this tight crevice in this like massive cliff face.

Elliott Kalan

[18:20] Another red flag warning is when your driver says, so everybody left their passports behind at the hotel, right?

[18:27] All your identifying documents, you don't take them with you?

[18:30] Great.

[18:30] Good.

[18:31] Fantastic.

Dan McCoy

[18:32] And also, no, I won't help you carry those oddly heavy baskets of food down to the beach with you.

[18:41] You're going to need that food.

Stuart Wellington

[18:42] You're all going to be growing soon.

[18:43] I mean, you're growing now.

[18:45] Okay.

[18:46] So the beach, they get to the beach and you know what?

[18:49] It looks amazing, guys.

[18:50] It's beautiful.

[18:50] You can all agree.

[18:51] It looks amazing.

[18:52] It's isolated.

[18:52] Paradise.

[18:53] Idyllic.

[18:54] Paradise.

[18:54] There is one weird dude sitting there.

[18:56] That's fine.

[18:58] Pay no attention to him.

Dan McCoy

[18:59] He's apparently been sitting there staring at the ocean since last night.

[19:03] All night and all morning.

[19:04] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[19:05] Yeah.

[19:06] Okay.

[19:06] You also have to – here's my question.

[19:08] I was like, that beach is beautiful.

[19:10] Okay.

[19:10] Let's say you're hanging out there.

[19:12] What do you do after a certain amount of time?

[19:14] You go swimming a little bit.

[19:15] You sunbathe a little bit.

[19:16] You're playing the sand a little bit.

[19:17] That's about all you can do, right?

[19:18] Like, it's not a huge beach.

[19:19] You're not going anywhere else.

[19:21] It's a beach.

[19:21] You just described a beach.

[19:22] I guess what we just got down to is I don't like the beach that much.

[19:24] I guess that's what we discovered.

[19:25] That's my motive.

Stuart Wellington

[19:26] Yeah.

[19:26] He also said, like, you can call me and I'll come pick you up.

[19:30] That's true.

[19:31] Which they didn't realize until they got there that they didn't have cell phone service.

[19:35] Uh-oh.

[19:37] Uh-oh.

[19:37] Phones are too old.

[19:39] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[19:40] So they aren't going on the beach.

[19:42] As we'll find out later, the crevice they walk through creates strange effects on human beings,

[19:47] but only when they're walking out of it, not when they're walking into it.

[19:51] It's weird, right?

[19:52] It's a one-way metaphysical track.

Stuart Wellington

[19:53] Well, is it like if you – wait.

[19:56] What if you go down – if you go underwater too fast or is it if you go up in water too fast?

[20:02] What's the difference?

Dan McCoy

[20:04] Well, if you go up, you get the bends.

Stuart Wellington

[20:06] If you go down, do you get the –

[20:07] I mean, I don't know.

[20:08] You might have to go down slowly.

Dan McCoy

[20:10] Which is the opposite of the bends.

[20:11] The sin denet.

[20:12] I'm not sure.

Stuart Wellington

[20:14] Okay.

[20:14] So they're not alone on the beach.

[20:15] As I mentioned, the guy from the night before is sitting out on the beach.

[20:18] And you know what?

[20:19] It turns out the kids recognize him because they're hip.

[20:22] It turns out he is a well-known rapper named Mid-Size Sedan.

Elliott Kalan

[20:28] Which is like a naked gun name for a rapper.

[20:31] Yeah, that's the thing.

Dan McCoy

[20:32] Like we were both kind of – like it's not – you know, it's fine.

[20:37] Whatever.

[20:38] Put a joke in your movie.

[20:39] Like it feels a little bit like a joke that someone's like, these rap people would make.

[20:45] Like it's got like a little like unpleasant aftertaste of that.

[20:49] Yes.

[20:49] But also – but it's also just like –

Stuart Wellington

[20:51] Is it like how when comedy writers come up with a name for a porno, it's always a pun?

Dan McCoy

[20:56] Yeah.

[20:57] But it also just feels so – as you say, Elliot, so out of place in the movie.

[21:03] It's like such a different type of –

Elliott Kalan

[21:04] The movie is otherwise – yeah.

[21:05] And as the movie goes on, it gets more and more grim and bleak.

[21:08] So to have this joke, to have a character – like they might have as well called him like Little Doggy Dog Pup Face or something like that.

[21:16] Yeah, yeah.

[21:16] Like that's silly.

[21:17] And later he's like – later he reveals that he actually comes from a comfortable, affluent background.

[21:22] And it's like, yeah, with a name like Mid-Size Sedan, of course you did.

[21:25] Like that's not a street name.

[21:27] Like you're fooling nobody.

[21:29] So the kids are running around exploring.

[21:31] Mid-Size Sedan.

[21:32] They also – they only call him Mid-Size Sedan from that point on.

[21:35] They never call him – even when we found out his name is Brendan, they only call him Mid-Size Sedan.

[21:38] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[21:39] They play around with toys.

[21:41] At one point, Trent and his sister recreate an argument between his parents using like a little robot, like a little Gundam guy.

[21:50] Action figures.

[21:51] Yep.

[21:52] Yeah, they recreate this dysfunctional marriage.

[21:55] Then they also find some like discarded hotel cutlery and other stuff from the hotel.

[22:00] But it's like super old and rusty.

[22:03] Something's going on here.

[22:04] Much like the tin roof on the love shack, it is rusted.

[22:08] Mm-hmm.

[22:09] So then Trent goes off and starts swimming alone.

[22:13] And while he's swimming, a naked dead woman bumps up against behind him, bumps into him.

[22:19] And it's the skinny dipping woman from the night before, now dead.

Elliott Kalan

[22:23] That's a good creepy moment though, I'll say.

[22:26] Yeah.

[22:26] And he's playing and you just see her head start to float behind him very – casually is the wrong word.

[22:33] But it's one of the more subtle scare moments.

Stuart Wellington

[22:35] There's a scene later on that also has a person go into the water and then get bumped into by a dead body.

[22:43] And this was scarier than that.

[22:45] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[22:47] Rating the scenes from old where someone bumps into a dead body in the water.

Elliott Kalan

[22:52] Okay.

[22:53] The top ten scenes from old where someone's swimming and a body bumps into him from behind.

[22:57] So at this point –

[22:58] Number ten.

Stuart Wellington

[22:59] Mid-sized sedan who was there with this woman seems a little put out that they found her dead body.

[23:05] And he just kind of behaves pretty weird in general.

[23:09] Like he is –

[23:09] He doesn't seem upset.

[23:10] Yeah.

[23:11] And everybody else also kind of like – they're kind of taking it easy.

[23:16] They're like, let's cover her with a blanket.

[23:18] Let's see if we can call somebody.

[23:20] They don't immediately just like run.

Dan McCoy

[23:23] I mean the other thing is like I couldn't ever tell – like he was there all night but he doesn't say like, hey, guys, the weirdest thing happened.

[23:33] I tried to leave and I couldn't at any – or any of that.

[23:36] Like that doesn't happen, right?

[23:37] Like he's been there all night just hanging out.

[23:42] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[23:43] Mid-sized sedan, he's got – he's – you know, still waters run deep.

[23:46] There's a lot going on in there that we don't have access to.

[23:49] Maybe fall asleep.

[23:49] And his nose keeps bleeding, you know?

[23:51] Yeah.

[23:51] So.

Stuart Wellington

[23:52] Okay.

[23:53] Yeah, they have no phone reception.

[23:56] Another – the other couple, Jaren and Patricia from Breakfast show up.

[24:01] He's a nurse.

[24:01] Jaren's a nurse.

[24:02] Yeah.

[24:02] Yep.

[24:03] Other –

[24:04] In case you weren't aware.

[24:05] Other very strange things start to happen.

[24:07] The kids' swimsuits don't quite fit.

[24:10] A mid-sized sedan's nose keeps bleeding.

[24:12] They don't quite fit.

Dan McCoy

[24:13] Then, later on, when they grow a lot more, they still seem to be okay.

[24:19] They're just like mildly uncomfortably tight.

Elliott Kalan

[24:22] And what's weird is that when they get – spoiler, they get old.

[24:26] When Maddox ages into Thomasine Mackenzie, they're like, we got to get you in an adult swimsuit.

[24:32] And they put her in a swimsuit that she's falling out of much more than the one she was wearing before.

[24:37] So it seems like they probably could have gotten by with just buying – the movie could have just had them wear the same swimsuit.

[24:43] Yeah, Elliot just has like –

[24:44] Elliot's throwing heat at the costume team.

[24:47] Incredible Hulk fabric or whatever.

[24:48] It is also funny because someone who's like someone at the beach saying, oh, my swimsuit's feeling too tight is also a porno beginning.

[24:59] Yes, that's true.

Stuart Wellington

[25:01] Thank you for asking me, king of pornos.

[25:03] As the expert in the house.

[25:04] Uh-huh.

[25:05] Okay.

[25:06] So, yeah.

[25:07] Mid-sized sedan's nose keeps bleeding.

[25:10] The old lady starts being more needy and then she stops breathing.

[25:14] Yeah, that's the way it works.

Dan McCoy

[25:16] It's getting more needy before you stop breathing.

Stuart Wellington

[25:18] So if they try to leave the beach, if they try and go back up that path through the crack in the cliff, they get these like horrible headaches and then they black out and find themselves back on the beach.

Elliott Kalan

[25:30] Uh-oh.

[25:30] I think we're stuck here.

[25:32] They must be in a video game level.

[25:35] But it's – the way it happens was very funny to me the first time where they're like walking through and then the camera starts shaking and then it cuts to black.

[25:41] And then they just wake up lying on the beach and I was like, okay, that's silly.

Dan McCoy

[25:45] Yeah.

[25:46] It's a silly way to do that.

[25:48] The movie sort of explains the beach later and I guess it's an open question whether like the explanation they come to for the beach is actually the real explanation.

[25:59] But I will say that if it is, then this makes no sense.

[26:02] So they get somehow transported back in addition to blacking out.

[26:07] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[26:07] Unless you want to believe that they like half-consciously stumbled back to where they're from.

[26:12] But that's not – but the movie gives us no reason to believe that.

Stuart Wellington

[26:14] So we are about to get to the actual revealed movie.

[26:17] Okay.

[26:18] So let's just dig in.

[26:19] Okay.

[26:19] Let's do it.

[26:19] Let's reveal it.

[26:20] So at this point –

[26:21] Let's park that kimono, Stu.

[26:23] Maddox and Trent, the two kids, are talking to Jaren and Patricia and they're doing the same game they do with all these strangers.

[26:29] They ask them their name and occupations.

[26:32] And then –

[26:32] What does Jaren do?

[26:33] Wait.

[26:33] I'm curious.

[26:34] What does Jaren do?

[26:35] I don't know if we covered this.

[26:36] Jaren's a nurse.

[26:37] Okay.

[26:37] So then –

[26:38] Oh, good.

[26:38] I wasn't sure.

[26:39] Then Jaren turns the game around and this time he's like, let me guess your ages.

[26:45] And he guesses about five years older than their actual ages.

[26:50] And this whole scene is kind of interesting because it's shot behind the kids' heads.

[26:53] We're looking at Jaren and Patricia's faces and they seem very confused.

[26:56] They're – like M. Night is like, I am saving this fucking reveal, baby.

[27:00] That's until the last possible moment.

Dan McCoy

[27:02] Even though the movie is called Old, I'm saving this reveal until the last possible second.

[27:06] The camera is drifting back and forth, like obscuring their faces for so long.

[27:12] Love it.

[27:13] That like I – you know, I actually think that I like the way this movie is shot sort of dreamily and elliptically.

[27:20] And like I think that stylistically –

[27:20] It looks great.

[27:21] It looks great.

[27:22] But this is one point where I'm just like shouting the screen, get to it, man.

Elliott Kalan

[27:26] Yeah, yeah.

[27:26] M. Night is just edging you so hard with this reveal.

[27:29] Just teasing you so much.

[27:31] Just won't let you have it.

[27:32] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[27:33] So Prisca and Guy come around.

[27:35] They find their kids.

[27:35] But are they their kids?

[27:37] Because they're like five years older.

[27:39] We have our first actor swap here.

[27:41] Yeah.

[27:41] These kids are five years older than they were before.

[27:44] They're biggins.

[27:46] And –

Dan McCoy

[27:47] Biggins.

[27:48] What a terrible way to describe it.

[27:50] Now that we've gotten into the aging, I just want to take a moment to say that like the aging in this movie is all over the place.

[27:58] Now I understand that when you're a kid, like there are huge developmental changes like year to year.

[28:04] It's more noticeable.

[28:05] Sometimes even month to month.

[28:07] But –

[28:07] Or minute to minute if you're on a beach that magically makes you older.

[28:11] But given some of the stuff that happens later on and how quickly it starts happening, the adults seem to take forever to age.

[28:20] Like they look basically the same.

[28:23] I mean, M. Night is an end.

Elliott Kalan

[28:24] Never ages at any point.

[28:25] Yeah.

[28:26] This movie is a real advertisement for whatever Rufus Sewell is doing because he looks exactly the same throughout the entirety of the movie.

[28:32] He looks –

[28:32] He's fucking –

[28:33] Yeah.

[28:34] Even as he is aging decades within hours, he's –

[28:37] Yeah.

[28:38] Man.

[28:39] Yeah.

[28:39] Give me some of that.

[28:40] Okay.

[28:41] So the –

[28:43] Yeah.

[28:43] So they keep –

[28:44] This –

[28:44] I feel –

[28:44] I will say.

[28:45] I feel gross saying this.

[28:46] But so –

[28:47] So say it.

[28:50] Abby Lee, who plays the wife of Rufus Sewell, she is wearing a bikini almost the entire movie.

[28:56] And at other points, maybe she has like a light beach wrap over it.

[28:59] Crystal was her name.

[29:00] Crystal.

[29:01] And there's part of me that wonder –

[29:02] The whole time I was like, oh, crystals, they're all going to age.

[29:05] They're all going to be replaced by old people.

[29:07] And she never is, just like Rufus Sewell never is.

[29:09] And I started to wonder, is this movie refusing to age her the way it should be because it doesn't want to show you an elderly woman in a bikini?

[29:17] And I couldn't tell if that was me being gross by assuming the movie would be too crass to be like, we don't want to see that.

[29:24] Or if that was me.

[29:25] Like I couldn't tell.

[29:26] But it seemed like I couldn't be – I wouldn't be surprised if that played some part in their decision making.

Dan McCoy

[29:31] Yeah.

[29:31] I mean it is like – her aging is weird because she basically just – like she looks the same but she has like some crow's feet and like bonitis.

[29:42] Her bonitis kicks in and she –

[29:44] Well, that – we'll get to that.

[29:46] Yeah.

[29:46] But she like basically –

[29:47] And her makeup runs quite a bit.

[29:48] Yeah.

[29:49] She turns into kind of a Miss Havisham figure.

[29:51] Yeah.

[29:51] Well, she drapes herself in a cloak and like haunts the beach for a while.

Elliott Kalan

[29:55] Yeah.

[29:55] Yeah, yeah.

[29:56] But it was – I couldn't help but wondering like if – I couldn't help but wonder if it was like the movie – even for this movie that wants to shock and horrify, the thing that would really horrify the audience and the actual body of an elderly woman naturally, they wouldn't go that far.

[30:12] That was too terrifying for the American audience or the world audience was to see the actual effect of aging on a human woman.

[30:18] I couldn't tell if that was their thinking.

Stuart Wellington

[30:19] I mean it's also quite possible that they're like we have an actress.

[30:24] She's committed to this character.

[30:25] We want to let her play the character throughout the whole span of the character.

[30:30] That's possible too.

[30:31] Possible.

[30:31] Okay.

[30:32] When you're dealing with a legend like Abby Lee.

[30:34] Yeah.

[30:35] So they – hey, she's in Fury Road.

[30:36] The movie rules.

[30:37] She is in Fury Road.

[30:38] They keep trying to go through the path.

[30:40] They keep blacking out and ending up in a big pile on the beach.

[30:45] It's pretty funny.

[30:46] At some point right around here like Rufus Sewell, which we've already suspected has some kind of like a memory loss.

[30:54] He doesn't quite know what's going on.

[30:57] He has like a flick knife and he – like a folding knife and he pulls it out and he attacks mid-sized Sedan with no provocation, slashing him across the face.

[31:08] And we're like, oh my god.

[31:09] But then when mid-sized Sedan removes his hand, the cut is already healed and scarred.

[31:15] So they are aging at a cellular level, everybody.

[31:19] Wow.

[31:19] So that's what is happening.

[31:21] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[31:21] Everybody on this beach is aging super fast.

[31:24] I don't think this makes sense, guys.

[31:25] I'll tell you why.

Elliott Kalan

[31:27] Tell us why, Dan, because I think it makes perfect sense.

[31:29] I'll take the devil's advocate position on this.

Stuart Wellington

[31:30] As they address later on, just to give everybody an understanding, they ascertain that because there's plenty of medical professionals, we have a nurse.

[31:40] And also the –

[31:41] And the head of surgery.

[31:42] Oh, yeah.

[31:43] And also an archaeologist.

[31:45] Keep saying he is as well.

[31:45] And an actuary.

[31:46] Yeah, the archaeologist actually, yeah.

[31:48] It's all parts of the –

[31:48] The archaeologist is there when they find –

Dan McCoy

[31:50] An archaeologist, an actuary, and a head of surgery all walk into a beach.

[31:54] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[31:54] And they get old.

[31:55] When they find the bones of the woman who drowned, she can use her archaeological training to explain how old those bones must be now.

[32:03] Every part of the buffalo, this movie.

[32:05] No, but –

Dan McCoy

[32:06] No, I just –

[32:07] I want to say like they –

[32:08] They're like, oh, dead things don't age.

[32:12] Like that's one of the things that they try and say.

[32:13] We can all agree.

[32:14] And specifically –

Elliott Kalan

[32:15] Well, we can all agree, Dan, that kids shouldn't play with dead things.

[32:18] Let's start with that.

[32:19] We can all agree with that.

Stuart Wellington

[32:20] And just to give everybody an understanding, they say that –

[32:23] 30 minutes equals one year.

Elliott Kalan

[32:26] Yes.

[32:26] Okay.

[32:27] They extrapolate from there.

[32:29] So if you ordered a Domino's pizza, they should say you'll get it in one year or less for your money back.

[32:35] Oh, they should say that, yeah.

[32:36] Which gives them a huge margin of error.

[32:37] If you're delivering it to the old beach, which sucks because then you can't leave.

[32:41] Just let me get at this nitpicky point, which is not important.

[32:45] Although I will say, Stuart, isn't this beach the ultimate noid?

[32:48] If you order a Domino's pizza to it?

[32:50] It is.

[32:50] It will ruin your pizza.

Stuart Wellington

[32:51] It ruins that pizza, yeah.

[32:52] What were we talking about?

[32:53] Because you've interrupted me so many times.

Dan McCoy

[32:55] I've forgotten.

[32:56] You're saying –

[32:56] Something about the science behind us.

[32:57] Something about the movie doesn't make sense.

[32:59] Yeah.

[32:59] Well, no, but what were we talking about specifically?

[33:01] What was the –

[33:03] About him getting slashed and healing immediately.

[33:05] Oh, healing.

[33:05] Yeah.

[33:06] So this movie is like – makes a big point about like, oh, our fingernails and hair aren't growing even though time is going – passing because like that's dead thing.

[33:17] Like we're aging.

[33:18] We're aging.

[33:18] It's not that time is speeding up.

[33:20] And yet you heal faster because you're aging so quickly.

Stuart Wellington

[33:25] And also like Alex Wolfe has a fucking five o'clock shadow the whole time.

Elliott Kalan

[33:30] I think that is – I'm going to be charitable to the movie and say that what's happening is so inexplicable that the theories they're spinning out are attempting to find logic in a situation that doesn't actually – isn't right about logic.

[33:42] There's some kind of eldritch non-Euclidean geometry from beyond the stars that's at work here.

[33:47] Sure.

[33:48] But you're right.

[33:48] The movie does seem to not understand what constitutes aging and what doesn't constitute aging.

[33:53] And they're like, well, maybe only dead – maybe because those are dead cells, they don't age.

[33:57] It's like, well, this body just rotted away in like an hour.

[34:01] So there's – so Mr. Nurse, what does that have to do with your theory?

[34:04] But also when your hair and your nails grow, it's not the dead part that's growing.

[34:09] It's the living part at like the nail bed, right, and the hair follicle.

[34:12] So this guy, take away his nurse's license.

[34:14] He should not be theorizing about this.

[34:16] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[34:17] Well, later on something so medically comical happens, but we'll get to it.

Stuart Wellington

[34:22] So Midsize Sedan reveals that he is sick.

[34:26] He only came to this resort because he got a diagnosis for a blood clotting disease and that he only ended up on this beach because he met that woman, the poor woman who died, and they bonded over having similar – they both had issues.

[34:40] She just got a diagnosis for MS.

[34:42] I do have in my notes that maybe they bonded over the fact that midsize Sedan, MSS, maybe they bonded over MS.

[34:48] Who knows?

[34:48] That's possible.

Elliott Kalan

[34:49] She said, I have MS.

[34:51] And he goes, me too, midsize.

[34:53] And she said, that's not what I mean.

[34:54] I mean multiple sclerosis.

[34:55] And he goes, oh, that's too bad.

[34:56] And then they hit it off from there and went to the beach.

Stuart Wellington

[34:58] Later on he goes to – later on he goes to, I don't know, pay final respects or something, and he lifts up the towel that her dead body is covered in and is, of course, shocked to see that her body is out of the way, which was just weird because I'm like, what was he – like, was he like, oh, great, a dead body?

[35:16] Like, I don't know.

[35:17] Like, who looks under that?

[35:18] Who just decides, like, I want to go look at a dead body.

[35:21] I don't know.

[35:22] Let me make sure that's still her.

Elliott Kalan

[35:24] Yeah, maybe.

[35:25] I will say to anyone who's listening to this who has received a diagnosis of MS, you don't need to go to that beach resort where people turn old.

[35:32] A number of members of my family have been diagnosed, and with modern medication, they're doing great.

[35:36] They're living normal lives.

[35:37] So don't go to that old person beach.

[35:39] You don't have to.

[35:40] Just go to a real doctor.

[35:41] Don't go to Rufus Sewell.

[35:42] He's a crazy doctor, as we'll find out as the movie goes on.

[35:45] Yeah, he'll slash you.

Stuart Wellington

[35:47] He's a doctor of giggles.

[35:48] So they –

Elliott Kalan

[35:49] He did –

[35:50] He's so funny.

[35:53] He pulled out his medical degree, and it said – oh, he says, oh, well, I went to the University of Giggles Medical School.

Stuart Wellington

[36:01] And they're like, that degree is printed on the back of Larry Drake's headshot.

Elliott Kalan

[36:06] Oh, yeah.

[36:07] Well, I studied under Dr. Giggles, Dr. Erwin Giggles.

Stuart Wellington

[36:09] Yeah.

[36:10] So they – the small dog that had accompanied Rufus Sewell's elderly mother dies.

[36:18] They don't show it.

[36:19] Hey, they don't show it.

[36:20] Good job, movie.

[36:21] They – the kids start to like explore their emotional states because as they're getting older, their brains are also developing.

[36:28] Although they're still basically children, their brains are developing faster than they experience things.

Elliott Kalan

[36:34] Yeah.

[36:34] And that was the concept that I wish they could have explored more in this – like it's not the kind of movie to explore it, but the idea of like that you are – that your hormones are affecting the way you think faster than you can really process it.

[36:47] Right.

[36:47] Because you don't have years to – that's like an interesting idea that the movie just uses as an excuse to have a pregnancy erupt.

[36:55] But, you know, it's –

[36:56] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[36:56] But, I mean, also they like play fast and loose where like sometimes it seems like these are like child minds in like aging bodies.

[37:03] But then by the end of the movie, they seem like pretty functional, normal adults.

[37:09] They're just middle-aged adults.

[37:10] Yeah.

[37:11] But also like this is –

[37:13] Fake it till you make it, Dan.

[37:14] That's the thing.

[37:15] I keep forgetting what point I wanted to make right in the middle.

[37:18] So, oh, no, I know what it is.

[37:20] It's just like this developing hormones.

[37:22] It's like I want to take a moment to talk about the dialogue in this movie because it does feel like it was written by a robot.

[37:29] How realistic it is.

[37:31] Because like when Thompson McKenzie is like – or maybe it's the other – I think it's Thompson.

[37:37] She's like, oh, I feel different.

[37:40] Like earlier in the day, like it was like my emotions were like fewer colors but stronger.

[37:47] But now there's, you know, like more colors.

[37:51] There's more colors but weaker.

[37:51] Weaker.

[37:52] And it's just like I don't believe that this is how this character would express this feeling.

[37:59] Like it's very clunkily.

[38:02] Like I don't know.

[38:03] Some of the way that exposition is given or people talk about their emotions even feel like they're reading out of like instruction manual for like their home theater surround system.

Elliott Kalan

[38:16] Yeah.

[38:16] I think if it was a more mannered movie, if it was more consistent, then I would buy that.

[38:21] I would buy this is just – that's the tone of this movie.

[38:23] That's the way this movie operates.

[38:25] But there's a – yeah, there's a number of lines like that that are clunkers almost up to the level of in the happening when John Leguosama goes.

[38:31] They say they're in the town of Princeton.

[38:34] Yeah.

[38:34] And it's like – yeah, you could just say Princeton.

[38:36] This is New Jersey.

[38:36] Everyone knows where Princeton is.

[38:37] But –

Stuart Wellington

[38:38] So it's funny that Elliot said the word operate because this is when we get to the good stuff.

[38:43] Uh-oh.

[38:43] Because Prisca is aging faster and so is that little tumor that's growing in her stomach.

[38:48] She has cancer.

[38:49] That's why she's on this old beach.

[38:51] So her tumor keeps growing faster and faster.

[38:53] They can feel it getting bigger.

[38:54] It's nuts.

[38:55] She – so they –

Elliott Kalan

[38:56] And Rufus Sewell keeps announcing how large it is, which is hilarious.

[38:59] It's like, oh, it's the size of a cantaloupe now.

Stuart Wellington

[39:03] So they – and then she passes out.

[39:06] And so they got to operate.

[39:08] They have a little bit of booze.

[39:09] They have Rufus Sewell's knife.

[39:10] And they have a lot of – they got a lot of energy.

[39:13] So they slice open her little tummy.

[39:17] But Rufus Sewell's having these memory hiccups.

[39:19] He keeps talking about a movie with Jack Nicholson and Marlon Brando.

Elliott Kalan

[39:21] It made me so frustrated.

[39:23] He goes – out of nowhere, he goes, Jack Nicholson made a movie with Marlon Brando.

[39:26] Did you know that?

[39:27] As if that's a bonkers thing to happen.

[39:30] And he keeps wondering the name of the movie.

[39:32] And so the whole movie, I was going, The Missouri Breaks.

[39:35] Rufus, it's The Missouri Breaks.

[39:36] You're thinking of The Missouri Breaks.

[39:37] The Missouri Breaks.

[39:38] And no one ever knows the answer in the movie.

[39:40] So I didn't even get –

[39:41] Yes, too bad he couldn't hear you.

[39:43] That was the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[39:44] It's The Missouri Breaks.

[39:45] Yeah.

[39:46] Yeah.

[39:46] So they slice into her stomach.

[39:49] Of course, the wound closes immediately.

[39:51] Yeah, she's healing too fast.

[39:52] Yeah, she's healing too fast.

[39:53] Because of time.

[39:54] From aging.

Elliott Kalan

[39:54] Because that's part of aging.

Stuart Wellington

[39:57] So what they have to do, they end up slicing open her stomach and holding open the cut

[40:02] so they can cut out this rapidly growing tumor.

Elliott Kalan

[40:05] And that's great.

[40:06] That's cool.

[40:07] It's gross.

[40:07] It's a super gross, cool thing to have to do that.

[40:10] Here's another moment.

[40:11] It's gross.

[40:11] Yeah, it's awesome.

Dan McCoy

[40:12] Somewhere the nursing license should be revoked.

[40:14] Because like he reaches in to get the tumor and he's like, it's attached to something.

[40:22] Muscle tissue.

[40:23] And I'm like, yeah, that's how tumors work, man.

[40:25] They're attached to things.

[40:26] They're not like free floating in the body.

Elliott Kalan

[40:30] It's not like, they're not like boba bubbles.

[40:32] Just kind of like, yeah, bopping around in there.

[40:34] But I thought you were going to say that he's clearly tickling her when he sticks his hand

[40:38] inside, which is unethical.

[40:39] That's unprofessional.

Dan McCoy

[40:40] Well, that's a little crimes of the future for you.

[40:42] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[40:42] So they, they, I could have used like at least one more shot of this giant tumor being like

[40:48] tossed away or something.

[40:49] But that's me.

[40:50] That's what I'm looking for in a movie.

[40:52] So.

Dan McCoy

[40:52] Or the tumor aging into like some sort of.

[40:54] Yeah.

[40:54] Like growing old legs and arms and running around being like, I'm the old beach.

Elliott Kalan

[40:58] The tumor suddenly grows a long beard and little bifocals and a cane.

[41:03] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[41:05] Okay.

[41:06] So Prisca wakes up.

[41:09] Guy explains that they had to cut out the tumor and she.

[41:12] That's the other thing.

Dan McCoy

[41:13] She just wakes up because they cut the tumor out.

[41:15] I don't know the signs of that either, but.

Stuart Wellington

[41:19] It was, the tumor is growing on her sleepy, her sleepy center.

Elliott Kalan

[41:24] It was weighing on her, on her sleepy spot.

[41:26] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[41:27] Okay.

[41:27] So, and this is around where they find, this is around plot wise where they find the, the,

[41:34] the remains of the woman who died swimming.

[41:36] They, they figure out their math.

[41:39] Everything's good.

[41:40] They figured out exactly 30, 30 minutes equals one year of life.

[41:45] Now's where things get fun because Trent and Kara, the daughter of Ruva Sewell come out

[41:53] out of the little tent they're hanging out in.

[41:55] Whoopsie doodles.

[41:56] Kara's super pregnant.

[41:59] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[41:59] And this is, and he's like, he's like, he's like, we only did it once.

[42:02] Don't you have to do it like 10 times to make a baby?

[42:05] And they're like, no, we never talked to you about it because you were so young.

[42:09] Oh no.

[42:10] And it was like, what is this?

[42:12] This is ridiculous.

Stuart Wellington

[42:13] Yeah.

[42:14] It is very ridiculous and weird.

[42:17] And oh boy, thumbs up movie.

[42:19] You did something strange.

[42:21] So yeah, Kara's super duper pregnant.

[42:23] They're like, this baby is coming now.

Elliott Kalan

[42:26] I feel like losing your virginity on the beach while your mom feet away is getting a tumor

[42:31] removed is like the kind of thing that you hear at like a storytelling show.

[42:35] Like when people are there to tell like embarrassing tales of their past, it's like, you'll never

[42:39] believe how I lost my virginity.

[42:41] Anyway, my mom was having last minute surgery, but I didn't know I was in a tent.

[42:45] And I was on this, we're on this beach that makes the old, you know.

[42:48] Anyway, we're on this old beach.

[42:50] We're on this old beach.

Stuart Wellington

[42:51] Okay.

[42:51] So they, they need to deliver this baby.

[42:54] Rufus Sewell's obviously stressed out at this point.

[42:56] And he, he says my favorite line of the movie.

[42:58] He goes, let's focus on the issue at hand.

[43:01] Does anyone know about movies?

Elliott Kalan

[43:04] And I'm like, I wish I was on that beach right now, baby.

Dan McCoy

[43:07] That would be my job on old beach.

Stuart Wellington

[43:11] Everybody's occupation matters.

[43:12] And this is where Elliot gets to inform him that it's Missouri Breaks.

[43:16] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[43:17] It's okay.

[43:18] I'm a podcaster.

[43:19] Let me explain.

[43:20] It's the Missouri Breaks.

[43:21] Now deliver that baby.

Stuart Wellington

[43:22] Okay.

[43:23] So they deliver the baby, which dies immediately.

[43:26] I only laugh because it's so ridiculous.

Elliott Kalan

[43:29] It's so ridiculous.

[43:30] And this is when the movie, I feel like jumped, jumped the, the elderly shark for me where

[43:34] it went from being like, okay, this is kind of a fun kind of like mind game of how is

[43:39] this going to work out between these people to, oh, okay.

[43:42] This is just a gross, bleak movie.

[43:44] Like everything, everything's just going to be bleak and unlike, unlike, unfun from now

[43:48] on.

[43:49] You know?

[43:49] Yeah.

[43:49] I didn't.

Stuart Wellington

[43:51] Because the baby, the baby came out age too fast and I guess they couldn't give it,

[43:54] they say they couldn't give it enough attention.

Elliott Kalan

[43:56] They go, they go, all we did was put it down for a minute and they go, he didn't get,

[44:00] it goes, according to the math, he didn't get attention for a week.

[44:03] And again, like it's the, the baby's aging.

[44:05] It's not that the baby is experiencing time faster than they are.

[44:08] Yeah.

[44:09] Yeah.

[44:09] Another thing that doesn't make sense.

[44:11] This is also though, this is also why skin to skin is so important right after birth.

[44:14] Take that baby, put it on the mother's chest, let it latch.

[44:17] This is important stuff.

[44:18] You got to create that contact.

Stuart Wellington

[44:20] I'm going to take.

[44:21] Thanks for, thanks for keeping it real.

Dan McCoy

[44:22] I'm going to take a brave stance against babies dying in movies.

[44:26] Having babies on the old beach.

[44:27] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[44:28] It's never fun when a baby dies in a movie.

Dan McCoy

[44:31] But, but also it just feels like a weird missed opportunity for this premise.

[44:36] Like that baby should be aging too.

[44:38] Like.

Elliott Kalan

[44:38] Exactly.

[44:39] That's, I, I was like, oh, is this movie going to be about generations of people growing up

[44:44] on this old beach?

[44:45] Yeah.

[44:45] But like, no, it's, I think M. Night Shyamalan is just, it's a shock, shock.

[44:50] Kind of like horror.

[44:51] And so he's not really that interested in that.

[44:53] He just wants to, I, I wouldn't be surprised if he feels like he wrote himself into a corner

[44:57] at that moment.

[44:57] And he just was like, get rid of this baby.

[45:00] Should I have Rufus?

Stuart Wellington

[45:00] No, I like the idea of like this rapidly aging society that like grows over time.

[45:06] Almost like, almost like that George R. R. Martin short story, Sand Kings, which fucking

[45:10] rules.

Elliott Kalan

[45:11] Well, it's although now that I realized it, then you have a story where someone has to teach

[45:15] like a 10 or 15 year old how to put, how to use the potty and talk and walk and things

[45:20] like that.

[45:20] And I don't want to watch that movie either.

[45:22] I don't know.

[45:22] But it's, I wonder if M. Night Shyamalan was like, oh, now I've got this baby on the

[45:26] beach and it's going to age really fast.

[45:28] Should I have Rufus Sewell ask it what movie Jack Nicholson and Marlon Randall were in?

[45:32] And then he gets so mad when it can't answer that he hurls it into the ocean.

[45:35] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[45:35] Or it like gets up and walks out of the ocean.

[45:38] It's like, I'm sick of these people.

[45:40] Okay.

[45:41] Let's see.

[45:42] So Crystal is obviously upset because her daughter just gave birth and her granddaughter

[45:47] died.

[45:48] So she explains to Maddox.

[45:51] She tells her Giuseppe speech about an old boyfriend.

Elliott Kalan

[45:56] Basically, she dated a man who was not handsome enough for her, even though she loved him.

[46:02] And she has to be imagining, well, if I married him, I wouldn't be on this old beach right

[46:06] now.

[46:07] So it's a little sliding door scenario.

Stuart Wellington

[46:08] So like, based on her, her, the rest of her story for Crystal, this is like, this is

[46:14] like a, like a, like a Dark Souls boss where you walk into the boss chamber and she tells

[46:18] this weird story about Giuseppe and then freaks out and attacks you.

Elliott Kalan

[46:21] Okay.

[46:22] And I want to, you know, look.

[46:23] Do people talk about Giuseppe a lot in Dark Souls?

Stuart Wellington

[46:26] Crystal would because that like, you know, I mean, it doesn't necessarily make sense at

[46:30] the time, but then afterwards they're like, oh yeah, I read all the item descriptions after

[46:34] I killed Crystal and got her weapon set and explains about her lover Giuseppe who just wasn't

[46:39] attractive enough for her.

[46:40] But you know, in the moment you're just like, I got to figure out what her moveset is.

[46:43] I got to figure out if I'm going to be dodging, attacking, if she has some kind of bleed attack

[46:46] and what her weaknesses are.

[46:48] Because I don't want to just waste my afternoon doing boss runs on this one.

[46:51] Yeah.

[46:51] Fair.

Dan McCoy

[46:52] Dan, what were you going to say?

[46:53] I'm just going to say something about Dark Souls.

[46:53] It's just, no, no, it's like, look, I don't want to be too American-centric.

[46:58] Like, Giuseppe is like a perfectly common name, but in the context of this character, for

[47:04] her to be like, there used to be a man I was in love with, Giuseppe.

[47:07] It's just like, M. Night, could you think of a less like, like sort of a name that doesn't

[47:12] stick out so much as like.

Elliott Kalan

[47:13] I did.

[47:14] I have to admit, and this is me being an American ethnocentric bad person also.

[47:18] I did imagine that he was like an organ grinder or something like that or sold ice cream

[47:22] out of a cart, you know.

[47:24] Yeah.

[47:24] My name is Giuseppe.

Dan McCoy

[47:25] It is a very, like, to Americans, it's like a very old-fashioned, like, we're in Pinocchio

[47:30] now, sort of like.

Elliott Kalan

[47:31] Crystal, why you leave me?

[47:33] We're so good together.

[47:34] I'm sorry, Giuseppe, you're just not handsome enough.

[47:36] Oh, you're right.

[47:37] I cannot be no more handsome.

[47:39] I can only be who I am.

[47:40] I'm a Giuseppe.

[47:41] And then Giuseppe's mother runs out and goes, Crystal, my Giuseppe, he's a good boy.

[47:45] Give him another chance.

Stuart Wellington

[47:46] And Giuseppe's like, don't forget about me and please take care of your bonitis.

Elliott Kalan

[47:51] Make sure the calcium bomb has a real calcium bomb in it.

[47:55] Your body needs an explosion of calcium.

Stuart Wellington

[47:58] So, needless to say, not everybody's taking this super well.

[48:02] Least of all, Rufus Sewell, who finally loses it, he pulls out his knife and he kills mid-sized

[48:07] Sedan with his knife.

[48:09] And then he goes and he wanders off and he sits up against the cliff, lost with his rapidly

[48:15] aging brain, only to show up later on when they need him to be scary again.

[48:20] Jaren decides, I'm going to swim for it.

[48:22] So, he says goodbye to everybody and he goes to swim to try and go get help.

[48:26] That, needless to say, does not work out.

[48:28] No, he floats back.

[48:30] They start to figure out that there may be a conspiracy that each, that at least one member

[48:36] of each group had some kind of medical condition and that they may, that they may have been

[48:40] placed here by the resort.

[48:42] The resort took care of everything.

[48:44] That they, I think Prisca found out about this place based on the receipt she got from

[48:49] a pharmacy, which is like, how do you have the time to read a fucking pharmacy receipt?

Elliott Kalan

[48:52] Those things are like super long.

[48:55] They're very long and, and who is, who is taking their vacation recommendations from the

[48:59] pharmacy receipt?

[49:00] Let's see.

[49:01] Okay.

[49:01] 99 cent bounty paper towels.

[49:03] All right.

[49:03] There's a sale on Chips Ahoy.

[49:05] Oh, there's some sort of exclusive elite resort.

[49:07] Very expensive that I could go to.

Stuart Wellington

[49:09] Thanks, Dwayne Reed.

[49:13] Okay.

[49:14] Prisca and her daughter Maddox have a heart to heart where they talk about how the marriage

[49:18] is falling apart and it was based partly due to her illness and partly due to an infidelity

[49:24] on her part.

[49:26] And Maddox is like, I'm just going to need some time to work this out.

[49:30] And they're like, but we don't have time.

[49:33] But don't worry.

[49:34] They figure it all out in the end.

[49:35] Maddox goes swimming to deal with, while thinking about her mom and of course bumps into

[49:39] Jaren's dead body.

[49:42] Being a nurse didn't help him.

[49:44] No.

[49:44] Ultimately.

Elliott Kalan

[49:46] Imagine while he was drowning, he just started going, I'm a nurse.

Stuart Wellington

[49:50] Oh, not bad voice work.

[49:52] Yeah.

[49:53] Good stuff.

[49:53] Thank you.

[49:53] So Trent and Kara wander off and they bury the dusty old bones of their little baby.

[50:01] It happened in the movie.

[50:02] I'm just saying that.

[50:04] Kara decides, Kara's sick of this beach.

[50:07] So she decides to just climb that cliff while everybody tries to talk her out of it.

[50:10] Yeah.

[50:11] She, of course, passes out while climbing, falls to her.

[50:14] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[50:14] She does a good job for a while.

[50:16] She's like a really good, talented free climber.

[50:18] Yeah.

[50:19] Yeah.

[50:20] Then she goes into a fugue state and falls backwards and dies.

Stuart Wellington

[50:24] Yeah.

[50:24] It's all about grip strength.

[50:27] Then Patricia's like, I'm going to go swim for it too.

[50:29] And I have these floaties.

[50:31] And then she has an epileptic seizure and dies.

[50:35] This is a real culling of the herd segment of the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[50:40] I think it was very funny that she doesn't even get into the water.

[50:44] No.

[50:44] She doesn't even make it up.

[50:45] At this point, anytime someone tries to escape, the movie just goes, and you're dead.

[50:50] Call down.

Stuart Wellington

[50:51] A guy starts to lose his vision.

[50:54] He needs glasses.

[50:55] But guess what?

[50:56] They don't have an old beach.

[50:57] A LensCrafters.

[50:59] No.

[51:00] Crystal is now, at this point, Crystal is like old.

[51:03] She's kind of, she needs her calcium.

[51:06] She's wandering the beach like a little witch.

Elliott Kalan

[51:09] This is before she's retreated to her cave.

Stuart Wellington

[51:12] Yeah.

[51:12] She lives in a cave later.

[51:14] Yeah, Guy and Prisca address their marital problems.

[51:17] And they kind of set things right between them.

[51:18] This is the moment they needed to have.

[51:20] It's very sweet.

Elliott Kalan

[51:21] I will say this part's kind of, that they reach, within a day, they have reached the level that old people are at.

[51:28] Where these things that were so visceral and important in the past, they no longer remember them or feel the same feelings.

[51:35] And they come to terms about it.

[51:36] And I thought this part was actually very sweet.

[51:38] But maybe it just seems sweeter when cast in sharp relief by all the goofiness that's going on.

Dan McCoy

[51:44] Well, I mean, I both like it.

[51:46] They're also great actors.

[51:47] They're also really great actors.

[51:48] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[51:48] I both like it.

[51:51] And it is another moment where I'm like, okay, so wait, what's the logic of this?

[51:58] Like, yeah, they're aging fast.

[52:00] But does that mean that they like come to terms with their life faster?

[52:06] Like they seem to have – like everyone seems to reach like developmental milestones in their brain that are certainly part of aging, like physical.

[52:19] But also part of it is like going through life experiences and they're experiencing all of this not in real time but in accelerated time.

Elliott Kalan

[52:27] I will mention that it is a magic beach.

[52:29] Yeah, it is a magic beach.

Stuart Wellington

[52:30] I kind of see it as like they are tired because they're older now.

[52:35] Yeah.

[52:35] And they're like, why –

[52:37] Why struggle?

[52:38] It's hard to get my – hard to get worked up.

[52:41] Until, of course, slithering out of the darkness comes Rufus Sewell and he starts attacking Guy and Prisca with his knife.

[52:49] But again, the cuts heal almost as soon as they are made because he has switched to slashing mode instead of piercing mode.

Elliott Kalan

[52:56] Yeah, exactly.

[52:58] And he can barely see and she can barely hear at this point.

[53:02] So as Ganto would say in Phil on the Roof, they're a perfect match.

Dan McCoy

[53:05] Mm-hmm.

[53:06] Yeah.

[53:06] The kids go –

[53:07] That was inspiration for Hear No Evil, See No Evil starring Richard Pryor.

Elliott Kalan

[53:11] So you're saying someone saw the movie old and then said, I know what I have to do, built a time machine, and then went back in time to give that idea to Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor.

Stuart Wellington

[53:22] The kids go running off to hide in a cave where they get attacked by Crystal who has become Mrs. Glass.

Elliott Kalan

[53:30] Yeah.

[53:31] I mean she's a combination of Mr. Glass and – what's her name?

[53:36] Groga from Dark Crystal just kind of shambling around.

Stuart Wellington

[53:38] Which – naming this character Crystal, very funny choice.

[53:41] I guess you're right.

[53:42] Because her bones shatter like crystals as she drops a rock on herself.

[53:46] Well, yeah.

[53:47] The problem is each time she breaks a bone, it heals almost immediately.

[53:50] So her body's all twisted.

[53:52] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[53:53] She's coming at them like through the cave like a demon who is slowly like twisting itself.

[54:01] And it really is – I mean we've made the joke several times, but it really is like look up the episode of Futurama where the guy has bone-itis and he just like twists into different shapes.

[54:12] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[54:12] If you're looking for the cartoon version, watch the bone-itis.

[54:14] If you're looking for a more upsetting version, watch the Suspiria remake.

[54:18] And then she dies.

[54:20] Last words on her lips, of course, Giuseppe.

Elliott Kalan

[54:22] Okay.

[54:23] And this is – the way her body is twisted in all these different twists is a real good scare special effect.

[54:30] It's cool.

[54:31] It looks – it's a really good horror look.

[54:33] And so it's dumb the way they got there, but I was like, you know what?

[54:36] That's a creepy way to destroy a human body in a movie.

[54:39] I'll give you credit, Knight.

Stuart Wellington

[54:40] And then – so it looks like – yeah.

[54:42] So Rufus will keep slashing away at a guy and then Prisca shows up and stabs him with a rusty knife.

[54:48] The problem is that she explains rust poisons your blood so it doesn't heal and he gets all poisoned and dies, which I don't believe is true, but whatever.

[55:01] It was kind of funny.

Elliott Kalan

[55:03] She is an archaeologist, so – I mean, rust is not good for you to get in your blood.

[55:06] Like, that's how you get tetanus, right?

[55:08] I mean –

Elliott Kalan

[55:08] Tetanus.

Dan McCoy

[55:08] Yeah.

[55:09] I'm not really sure – yeah, I'm not sure like rust poisons your blood is the way to say it, but –

Elliott Kalan

[55:13] And I also don't know that the – I don't know that it would then rush through your body thanks to the effects of ultra-aging and instantly killing you, but, you know, it's a movie.

[55:22] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[55:23] Yep.

[55:23] It's game over for Rufus Sewell.

[55:25] Okay.

[55:25] So, again, Culling of the Herd.

Elliott Kalan

[55:29] Actually, according to IMDb goofs, rust does not poison the blood.

[55:32] Yeah, it can contain bacteria, which can lead to death, but still not poisoning the blood thanks to the IMDb user who put that there.

[55:38] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[55:38] So the only people left alive are the Kappas.

[55:41] They're hanging out on the beach.

[55:42] It's nighttime.

[55:44] The Kappas are now a nice old couple.

[55:46] They're tired and spacey.

[55:48] And then they both get a little bit too old and they die.

[55:52] It's sad, but, you know, whatever.

[55:53] They, you know, they die as they live.

Elliott Kalan

[55:54] They both get a little bit too old and they die.

Stuart Wellington

[55:56] The next morning, Maddox and Trent are hanging out on the beach.

[56:01] They're now in their, like, 50s.

[56:03] And at this point, let me just point out that the Trent character was, like, a little kid and they got slightly older.

[56:09] And then he became Alex Wolfe.

[56:10] Okay.

[56:11] That's not bad.

[56:12] And then his next stage when he's in his 50s, also hot.

[56:15] So good luck with that, man.

[56:16] Alex Wolfe, you're going to be hot when you're 50.

[56:20] So they decide to make a sandcastle before they try to escape one last time because, you know what, all they got is time.

[56:27] Right, guys?

[56:28] Yeah.

[56:29] But, no, it's the opposite of what they have.

[56:32] And then after they make their sandcastle, Trent remembers that Idlib made a little coded message that he never solved.

[56:39] So he decides to solve that bad boy real quick.

[56:42] It says, my uncle doesn't like the coral.

[56:47] Yeah.

[56:47] Be a little more helpful, little kid.

[56:49] Logical leave time.

Elliott Kalan

[56:51] It doesn't.

[56:51] Now, so before this point, the two kids have postulated, especially after they found a notebook left behind by a previous victim,

[56:59] they've postulated that there's some mineral or something in the beach that makes them old.

[57:02] And that maybe if they had a metal tube.

[57:04] Some sort of shielding.

[57:06] Some kind of shielding like an x-ray technician uses, maybe they could protect themselves from the aging rays being shot at them from the beach minerals.

Stuart Wellington

[57:14] Yeah, because they found a journal from a past victim of the old beach that was very exhaustive in cataloging the effects.

[57:21] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[57:21] And had a few ideas for science fiction short stories in their house.

Stuart Wellington

[57:25] So they decide to go swimming for the coral.

[57:28] They swim.

[57:28] They find a coral tunnel and swim through that.

[57:31] Maddox's cover-up gets snagged.

[57:33] Looks like they've drowned.

[57:34] Movie's over.

[57:35] Uh-oh.

[57:36] I will say, IMDb does point out factual errors.

[57:38] Coral is easily breakable.

[57:40] Yeah.

[57:42] But anyway.

[57:43] But maybe, you know, maybe they're not strong swimmers.

[57:46] So we find out that this whole time, M. Night has been up on a bluff watching them from like an observation point.

[57:53] And he reports that the kids died and that they were part of trial 73.

[57:58] Meaning I'm assuming there were at least 72 before this one.

[58:01] Oh, yeah.

[58:01] For sure.

[58:02] That's what numbers are.

[58:03] And he heads back to the top secret lab filled with scientists.

[58:07] They're testing rocks, making custom cocktails.

[58:09] And we see that the maitre d' is also like the leader of this team, which seems hilarious.

Dan McCoy

[58:15] Yes, it does.

[58:16] We're going to have to spend a little time unpacking the explanation we're about to get.

[58:21] But please.

Elliott Kalan

[58:21] Yes, this is.

[58:22] Yeah, finish the explanation so that, yeah, there's a lot of.

[58:24] There's as many holes as there have been in the how the old beach works.

[58:28] There are so many more holes to me in how this company works.

[58:31] So let's talk about it.

Stuart Wellington

[58:32] Turns out that this resort is being run by what?

[58:35] Warren and Warren, a pharmaceutical company who has been luring people with promises of sweet vacations.

[58:40] They send them to the beach and then they do rapid testing on new potential medications.

[58:47] Yeah.

[58:47] Because they'll give somebody a medicine and then send them to that old beach to see.

[58:51] Now, the problem is like are we talking about a medication that they only take once and never again?

Elliott Kalan

[58:56] Yes, because it's in their custom cocktail that's delivered to them when they arrive at the resort.

[59:00] So it's a one-time medication.

[59:02] And of course, children are acceptable losses.

[59:04] Send them to the beach as well along with their sick parents.

[59:08] The company is called Warren and Warren.

[59:10] I assume because it's two guys who are not related or else it would be called like Warren Brothers or something like that.

[59:14] Yeah.

[59:15] So the idea is that we can give them this medication, send them to the old beach, and we'll get years of data within a day.

[59:21] How are they going to submit that data to the FDA?

[59:23] How do they explain to the FDA that it looks like we only have one day of data, but it's actually years because of this magic beach that we send them to?

Dan McCoy

[59:30] You have years of data of one person with that problem in medicine.

[59:36] And like medical tests, like you do it with a lot of people to see if it works for everyone.

[59:43] I mean they don't send these re-tests guys.

Elliott Kalan

[59:46] It also implies though that they send control people to the aging beach without giving them the medicine to see if the beach is going to make them better.

[59:52] So they're just – they're sending people to their deaths with placebos in their systems.

Dan McCoy

[59:56] Also, it's like – yeah, the idea that this company – I don't know.

[1:00:01] They went through the trouble of creating this luxury resort as a front for the scheme as well.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:08] Yeah, you'd think they would just like bonk them on the head.

[1:00:12] Toss them on the old beach.

[1:00:13] Yeah.

[1:00:14] And they create a luxury resort, but the part of the cover-up is then making it look as if the people never went to the resort.

[1:00:19] That they go – they take their documents, bring them back to their houses, and then what, burn the house down?

[1:00:25] Like I don't – to make it look like they died of some other way?

[1:00:28] Or do they hire actors to then play those people for the rest of their lives so nobody knows the real ones?

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:34] And then when they do like go in and write fake TripAdvisor reviews from those people?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:38] I loved it.

[1:00:39] Five stars.

[1:00:40] They definitely didn't send me to a beach where I got old.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:42] I mean they're definitely getting like a secondary revenue stream from just normal people who go to this resort too.

[1:00:49] Everybody there is a patient.

[1:00:51] Yeah.

[1:00:51] That's why that beach is secret.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:52] And because there's plenty of space because for some reason guests show up and then disappear.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:57] Okay.

[1:00:57] Let's say you're a guy who looks a little bit like Peter Stormare.

[1:01:00] You run a pharmaceutical company's illicit lab that tricks people into being guinea pigs for medicines.

[1:01:07] The front is a resort.

[1:01:08] Okay.

[1:01:09] You understand as part of your responsibilities, you also have to be the front desk man at the resort and talk to all the guests.

[1:01:15] For some reason someone says, hey, can you watch your nephew?

[1:01:18] Can he stay with you?

[1:01:19] If I was that person, I'd say, no, I don't have time in my life for a child.

[1:01:22] I got a lot on to get a lot of people.

[1:01:23] I'm holding down two jobs.

[1:01:26] I'm running a resort and a death beach.

[1:01:28] I don't have time for a kid.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:29] And nephew is, can we all admit, is a little precocious, right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:33] Very much so, yes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:34] He already has a shell collection that he keeps bragging about.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:38] It's 40 shells already that he's got.

[1:01:41] And there's just, there's so much about this twist that is bonkers in a way that raises more questions than it answers.

[1:01:49] Yes.

[1:01:49] And the implication is, and the head goes, he goes, look, nature created this beach for a reason.

[1:01:56] Clearly, nature meant for us to secretly test pharmaceuticals there so that we could then bring them to market faster.

[1:02:02] That's why everything has a purpose.

[1:02:04] Like, not since God made bananas curves that they point at your mouth have I heard an explanation that is more full of holes about intelligent design.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:13] Okay, so we are all, we're about to wrap this bad boy up.

[1:02:16] Let's put a bow on it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:17] Trent and Maddox.

[1:02:18] So now the movie ends with the implication that this just goes on and more innocent people will fall into the trap of this horrible company, right, Stu?

[1:02:25] I don't fucking think so.

[1:02:25] That would be a chilling ending.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:27] Because Trent and Maddox show up, they go up to the cop they met earlier because he introduces himself and he finds out everybody's name and job and he never forgets a name, which is important.

[1:02:37] He shows up, he gives the journal from the guy who wrote exhaustive notes to the cop and there's a flashback of them breaking free from the coral as if we couldn't just surmise that.

[1:02:51] Yeah.

[1:02:52] And then they are about to.

[1:02:53] That was insulting.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:54] That was an insulting moment.

[1:02:55] The movie being like, hey, audience, you're too dumb to understand that they survived.

[1:02:59] Hey, audience, you're such dummies.

[1:03:02] You think they're ghosts.

[1:03:03] No, no, no.

[1:03:03] I'll show you how they got free, morons.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:06] Like that was, I was insulted by that.

[1:03:08] Some new people show up and are about to be given their custom cocktails.

[1:03:12] Uh-uh-uh, not so fast.

[1:03:13] Trent walks up and throws that shit on the ground.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:16] Here, I'll take this to your life-saving medicine.

[1:03:19] Smash.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:20] Yeah, now the ground doesn't have Parkinson's anymore.

[1:03:24] And then he yells about how they put him on a beach that made him old and killed all their family.

[1:03:30] This is his name and this is his address.

[1:03:32] At this point, everybody buys it.

[1:03:35] Like everybody just rolls with this shit.

[1:03:36] It's awesome.

[1:03:38] They're like, how did your aunt take the news that you're old now?

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:41] And he's like, she thought it was weird.

[1:03:43] The police officer instantly is faxing the notes to his boss, I guess, in the age police.

[1:03:49] I don't know.

[1:03:49] I don't know how it's his jurisdiction.

[1:03:51] Time cop sell it.

[1:03:52] And I was like, yeah, time cop, I guess.

[1:03:53] And I'm like, what?

[1:03:55] He's in the Time Variance Authority.

[1:03:56] He's like, I'm like, what case are they going to bring?

[1:03:59] Murder by Magic Beach?

[1:04:00] Like, hold on a second.

[1:04:02] What is the one?

[1:04:02] Is it the best they could get probably is fraud for misleading advertising about the resort?

[1:04:07] Because it doesn't say anywhere in the advertisements.

[1:04:09] Warning, you may go to a magic beach that makes you old.

[1:04:12] Like, what is the case they're bringing in court?

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:13] What's the other one?

[1:04:14] That they're going to get like in trouble for like covering up accidental deaths on their beach?

[1:04:19] Like, Disney's like, who gives a shit?

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:21] That happens at every resort, every cruise ship, every TGI Fridays.

[1:04:26] It just happens everywhere.

[1:04:27] They cover up accidental deaths.

[1:04:28] Everywhere.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:29] And this movie doesn't know where to end because I'm sorry, Stuart.

[1:04:33] I'm going to jump in and say that like the movie actually ends with like then another – it goes on another scene for some reason where they're like all in the – the two of them are – the survivors are in a helicopter with a cop.

[1:04:45] And it's just like the cops basically just being like, well, case closed.

[1:04:49] We arrested everybody.

[1:04:51] Everybody's arrested.

[1:04:52] And then they're like, how's – as you said, how's our aunt going to take it that we're not kids anymore?

[1:04:57] Like, we'll survive.

[1:04:58] And then like the – you know, the helicopter's flying over the ocean.

[1:05:02] And in my head I'm like, the only reason that there's still another scene, like the movie that's still going on, is like they wanted to get us back to near the beach so the camera could like go under the waves and we see like a fucking like UFO crash there or something.

[1:05:19] That would be cool.

[1:05:19] You know, like –

[1:05:20] That would have been awesome actually.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:22] Look at the water.

[1:05:23] Yeah, it would have been.

[1:05:24] That would have been great.

[1:05:25] Well, that's the thing.

[1:05:25] Imagine –

[1:05:26] No, back to the beach we do go.

[1:05:27] You survived.

[1:05:28] You uncovered this conspiracy.

[1:05:30] You've saved the day.

[1:05:31] And they decide to give you a helicopter ride to celebrate.

[1:05:35] And they start flying you by that beach.

[1:05:37] I'd be like, get the fuck away from that thing, dude.

[1:05:39] No, we don't know how high that thing goes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:41] Yeah.

[1:05:41] This helicopter's about to get super old.

[1:05:43] I imagine the kids were like, hey, take us by the beach so we can rub it in that beach's face that we got away.

[1:05:49] Fucking beach.

[1:05:50] Let's pee out the window on the beach.

[1:05:52] Peeing on the beach.

[1:05:52] And their pee – the bacteria in their pee is rapidly evolving into a new species that declares war on humanity.

[1:05:59] There's so much – the fact that two people walk up to you on a resort and they're like, hey, remember when two kids talked to you yesterday?

[1:06:06] That was us.

[1:06:06] Here's all the proof you need.

[1:06:08] It's a journal we wrote.

[1:06:09] I mean we didn't write it.

[1:06:10] Somebody else did.

[1:06:11] You're right.

[1:06:11] It all checks out.

[1:06:12] No way you could have faked this journal.

[1:06:13] Let me just give it to my bosses.

[1:06:15] I'll stake my career on the idea that there's a magic beach that turns people old.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:20] Even though you're a 50-year-old man, you have the same mole as this kid I met yesterday.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:25] You know what?

[1:06:26] It's a good thing that I fingerprint everybody I meet on vacation because now let's take your fingerprint.

[1:06:31] It's the same one.

[1:06:32] You are that kid.

[1:06:33] Oh, boy.

[1:06:33] This is going to make my career the first policeman ever to crack an age crime.

[1:06:38] We did it.

[1:06:39] The only way the ending could have been sillier is if they then showed the police arresting the beach and taking the beach away in handcuffs.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:47] The handcuffs won't fit, boss.

[1:06:50] The sand keeps slipping through them.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:51] And then the handcuffs are rusting away and the beach is escaping.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:56] Be on the lookout for a beach.

[1:06:57] It turns people old.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:58] It's on the run.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:01] Okay.

[1:07:01] Well, let's go to final judgments whether there's a good, bad movie, bad, bad movie, a movie we kind of like.

[1:07:09] I'm going to give kind of a – almost a hybrid judgment.

[1:07:12] I'll say that this is a movie –

[1:07:15] Half leopard, half lion.

[1:07:16] This is a movie I kind of like but not because – like I wouldn't –

[1:07:22] You like it because you're a hard scientist.

[1:07:24] Not because it's not –

[1:07:25] Let me be clear.

[1:07:27] This movie is very –

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:28] Let me put down this Stephen Baxter book and watch old.

[1:07:31] Just a duet of hard science fictions.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:33] This movie is very dumb and the dialogue feels incredibly awkward even like when it's being said by good people.

[1:07:42] Like Vicky Creeps, for instance, like Fantastic and Phantom Thread.

[1:07:45] I think it does her no favors to be acting in her second language and then been given these lines that are not sayable.

[1:07:54] Like I quoted the old you can type the shit, George, but you can't say it Harrison Ford line about Star Wars.

[1:08:01] But that all being said, M. Night Shyamalan is good at coming up with a compelling general idea and good at coming up with like variations on that theme.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:15] This is based on a graphic novel.

[1:08:17] So I wouldn't – don't give him credit for the original idea.

[1:08:19] But I haven't read it.

[1:08:20] So I don't know if the variations are his.

[1:08:21] Sure.

[1:08:23] He recognized a good premise.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:24] Taking that out of it then, I will say a lot of good actors and what I will say I think M. Night Shyamalan's actual strength is visual storytelling, direction, mood.

[1:08:40] Like I think this is a great looking movie.

[1:08:42] I think that the visual like gambits he does are good.

[1:08:47] Like I think he finds interesting ways to stage everything.

[1:08:51] And so it's this interesting kind of fight between dumb script, good direction that I found enjoyable to watch.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:02] Yeah, I mean it's hard to – it's hard to knock a guy for wanting to make a movie on his vacation.

[1:09:07] I mean Sandler does it all the time.

[1:09:10] And I mean what a place to do it.

[1:09:12] I mean that resort looked really nice.

[1:09:13] It must have been fun to stay at.

[1:09:15] So that's your rating?

[1:09:17] I would say it's a tough one.

[1:09:18] I would say this is kind of between like a good bad movie because it is very silly and also a movie I kind of like because there was stuff that I kind of liked about it.

[1:09:28] I don't think the – obviously I don't think it all holds together.

[1:09:32] The silly stuff is very funny and silly.

[1:09:35] And there's actors I like in it.

[1:09:38] So yeah, it's okay.

[1:09:39] Whatever.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:41] I think – I would call this – it's weird.

[1:09:43] It's like it goes into all three categories for me in that there are times when it's a good bad movie because it's ridiculous, especially the very end.

[1:09:50] There are times when it is a bad bad movie for me because a baby is instantly born and then dies, which is terrible.

[1:09:55] But there are parts where – there are moments in it that I like.

[1:09:59] There are a couple of scare moments in it that are fun scare moments and there are a couple of affecting scenes because the actors are good in it.

[1:10:05] But so here's – I'm going to say – I'm going to call this movie ultimately disappointing in all categories.

[1:10:11] So while I was watching it, I was like this movie reminds me a little bit of like not as well made like a movie like Picnic and Hanging Rock.

[1:10:22] And then I was looking it up and it said that M. Night Shyamalan showed Walkabout and Picnic and Hanging Rock to his cast and crew.

[1:10:30] And it's like those – both are movies that have this sense of like people from civil – you know, quote-unquote civilization going out into a kind of strange wilderness setting, being changed by it in an almost mystical way that they can't quite explain.

[1:10:43] And I wish this movie had been more like that.

[1:10:45] I wish it had been less – I wish he hadn't explained what was going on at all.

[1:10:49] The twist about the pharmaceutical company is so goofy.

[1:10:52] And I wish it was more about these characters are in this strange situation.

[1:10:56] It's affecting each of them differently.

[1:10:58] They don't understand what's going on, but they have to respond to it.

[1:11:01] And it's almost like I wish I could say to M. Night Shyamalan like I want you to push yourself more.

[1:11:04] I want you to challenge yourself to break out of your comfort zone and make a movie that is okay with being kind of lyrical and dreamlike because I think you can do it.

[1:11:12] Instead of reverting back to making like a crappy puzzle box that doesn't really – the pieces don't really fit together that well.

[1:11:18] So I'm going to give it a needs improvement, see me after class.

[1:11:22] Yeah, that's fair.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:24] Well, you know what, guys?

[1:11:25] This podcast, we call it The Flophouse, is supported every week by listeners like you.

[1:11:31] But we also have a couple of sponsors, and one of them this week is Squarespace.

[1:11:36] Squarespace is the all-in-one platform for building your brand and growing your business online.

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[1:12:17] And we are looking at all kinds of devices these days.

[1:12:22] That's my observation.

[1:12:25] That left a lot of room for interpretation.

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Elliott Kalan

[1:12:39] Dan, I had an idea for a website, and I was just wondering if Squarespace might be able to help me put it together.

[1:12:44] Quite possible.

[1:12:45] Okay, so it's called horrortripadvisor.com.

[1:12:48] And you can go there and look at reviews and find out whether the vacation spot you want to go to has some kind of horror element because maybe you don't want to go.

[1:12:55] Like maybe – I want to see this resort.

[1:12:57] It looks really great.

[1:12:58] Do they have a beach where people turn old?

[1:13:00] Let me look at the customer reviews.

[1:13:02] These Mayan ruins look really cool.

[1:13:04] Is there an evil vine that eats people there that might eat me?

[1:13:07] Yeah.

[1:13:07] Because then I don't want to go there.

[1:13:08] I know that one.

[1:13:10] Yeah, there you go.

[1:13:11] That's one you've heard of.

[1:13:13] There's this kind of kooky resort in Wales.

[1:13:15] If I go there, am I going to be trapped there and a giant white balloon is going to chase me around and eat me if I try to escape?

[1:13:21] And everyone has a number instead of a name.

[1:13:23] You know the one I'm talking about.

[1:13:24] That's a resort?

[1:13:25] Well, I mean they shot it at a resort.

[1:13:27] I guess kind of.

[1:13:28] Yeah.

[1:13:28] So it's called horortripadvisor.com.

[1:13:32] Do you think Squarespace will be able to help me with that?

[1:13:33] I need to be able to update it and have it work on lots of different devices.

[1:13:36] I'm sure they will be.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:37] Like what if I wanted to stay at a motel and it was also a motel hell?

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:42] I don't want to stay at a motel hell.

[1:13:44] Do you want to fall into some kind of tourist trap?

[1:13:47] Yep.

[1:13:47] Yeah, I need to know about that.

[1:13:48] Now you're doing it, Dan.

[1:13:50] I want to go on a driving trip, but I don't want to play any road games.

[1:13:53] So maybe TripAdvisor can help me with that.

[1:13:55] Or a joyride.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:56] I would enjoy a house of flax?

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:57] Yeah, perhaps.

[1:13:59] A house of 13 ghosts?

[1:14:02] It's a tourist stop.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:03] Actually, legit, if I could stay at the 13 ghosts house, I would totally do it.

[1:14:07] No question.

[1:14:08] What about the house on Haunted Hill?

[1:14:11] There is a question.

[1:14:12] I might.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:13] What about Hell House?

Dan McCoy

[1:14:15] Oh, Hell House is the worst.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:16] What about Hill House, which is haunted?

Dan McCoy

[1:14:19] That's true.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:21] I've heard that.

[1:14:22] And what about the hills have eyes?

[1:14:24] What about them?

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:25] Wait, let me check.

[1:14:26] Those hills sound really cool.

[1:14:27] Let me just see on TripAdvisor whether they have eyes or not.

[1:14:29] Oh, they do.

[1:14:30] Honey, let's not go to those hills.

[1:14:31] Let's go to the other hills.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:33] Okay.

[1:14:34] What are those eyes?

[1:14:35] The eyes of Laura Mars.

[1:14:37] Could be.

[1:14:40] Yeah.

[1:14:40] Oh, man.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:41] There's only one way to find out.

[1:14:42] Let's abre those ojos.

[1:14:43] What about the ghosts of Mars?

[1:14:45] The ghosts of the eyes of Laura Mars.

[1:14:47] John Carpenter all over both of those.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:49] Yeah.

[1:14:51] You know, if you guys are ever – if you ever find yourself in a stressful situation, maybe you're stuck on the beach from old, why don't you ever consider microdosing?

[1:14:59] That's right.

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Elliott Kalan

[1:15:41] Elliot, I believe you have a j-j-j-j-jumbotron.

[1:15:45] I do have a j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-jumbotron.

[1:15:48] And this message is for Hannah, and it's from Robbie.

[1:15:53] This is for Hannah from Robbie.

[1:15:54] If you're a Hannah who knows a Robbie, this jumbotron may be for you, especially if this message relates to you and the message goes as follows.

[1:16:01] Happy 30th birthday, Hannah.

[1:16:02] I look forward to spending many more hours listening to the peaches alongside a person as considerate as Dan, inventive as Elliot, and cool as Stu, and excitable as an old-timey prospector.

[1:16:12] Love from Robbie.

[1:16:13] Oh, that's so nice.

[1:16:15] That's sweet.

[1:16:15] And before we move on to the next part of the show, I just want to remind people in case you didn't hear it at the top of the show,

[1:16:20] in case you just slammed that skip button as soon as you heard my voice.

[1:16:24] I understand it completely that we do have a live show coming up, a live in-person show.

[1:16:28] The Flophouse is coming back to in-person performing.

[1:16:31] That's right.

[1:16:32] August 7th, 7.30 p.m. at the Bell House in Brooklyn, New York, our old stomping grounds, our old home.

[1:16:37] We're going to have a great time talking about Morbius.

[1:16:40] Could it be any other movie for our return to live performing but Morbius?

[1:16:44] I kind of wish.

[1:16:44] That's the thing.

[1:16:44] We had to wait until there was something that deserved it.

[1:16:46] Yeah, did we want to watch a movie about a dead vampire?

[1:16:48] Hell no.

[1:16:49] We're going to watch one about the living vampire.

[1:16:51] A living vampire.

[1:16:53] The movie that took America by storm.

[1:16:55] The movie they released twice in the same year and it bombed both times.

[1:16:59] So just go to thebellhausny.com.

[1:17:02] That's thebellhausny.com to get your tickets for August 7th.

[1:17:07] Flophouse talks about Morbius.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:08] Boy, yo, yo.

S4

[1:17:09] Hey, it's John Moe.

[1:17:15] Join me on Depresh Mode for conversations on how mental health shapes our life.

[1:17:20] This week, David Sedaris with stories of his late father that he's finally willing to tell.

Jesse Thorn

[1:17:26] I think there's a difference between, you know, a good person and a good character.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:32] Like, he was a good character, my boyfriend he.

[1:17:35] And my father was another one of those people.

[1:17:36] He was a really good character.

[1:17:38] But he wasn't a good person.

S4

[1:17:41] Depresh Mode with John Moe.

[1:17:43] Wherever you get your podcasts.

Jesse Thorn

[1:17:44] Hi, I'm Jesse Thorne, the founder of Maximum Fun.

[1:17:49] And I have a special announcement.

[1:17:51] I'm no longer embarrassed by my brother, my brother and me.

[1:17:55] You know, for years, each new episode of this supposed advice show was a fresh insult.

[1:18:02] A depraved jumble of erection jokes, ghost humor.

[1:18:06] And frankly, this is for the best, very little actionable advice.

[1:18:12] But now, as they enter their twilight years, I'm as surprised as anyone to admit that it's gotten kind of good.

[1:18:19] Justin, Travis, and Griffin's witticisms are more refined.

[1:18:22] Like a humor column in a fancy magazine.

[1:18:25] And they hardly ever say bazinga anymore.

[1:18:28] So, after you've completely finished listening to every single one of all of our other shows,

[1:18:34] why not join the McElroy Brothers every week for My Brother, My Brother and Me.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:40] Let's move on to letters from listeners like you.

[1:18:44] This one's from Jacob, last name withheld.

[1:18:47] Who writes...

[1:18:47] Of the letter.

[1:18:48] Hey there, peaches.

[1:18:50] I'm gearing up for a liver transplant surgery in the coming months,

[1:18:54] which is going to involve a long recovery period at home watching a lot of movies.

[1:18:59] Presumably.

[1:19:00] Having recently listened back to the last Christmas episode,

[1:19:03] I was wondering if you three have any ideas of good transplant-themed movies to watch while trying not to reject my new organ.

[1:19:11] Bonus points for non-horror suggestions.

[1:19:14] Keep on flopping in the free world.

[1:19:16] Jacob, last name withheld.

[1:19:17] Now, Stu, he says bonus points.

[1:19:18] You don't have to go for bonus points.

[1:19:19] Oh, I can get normal points?

[1:19:20] You can just do the normal.

[1:19:21] Yeah, yeah.

[1:19:21] But I want to get more points than you guys.

[1:19:23] Do the normal.

[1:19:24] I mean, I...

[1:19:25] Weirdly, the first one that came to my mind, it's not a great movie,

[1:19:30] and it also has, like, the same weird idea about organ transplants to some degree that Last Christmas has.

[1:19:39] But I have a weird fondness for Return to Me, the movie where David Duchovny's wife passes away,

[1:19:48] and then he ends up falling in love with the woman who received his wife's heart,

[1:19:52] who's played by Minnie Driver.

[1:19:56] It is honestly less for that and more because it has a very fun, supporting cast.

[1:20:04] Carol O'Connor, Robert Loggia, Bonnie Hunt.

[1:20:06] Bonnie Hunt, in particular, is a lot of fun in the movie.

[1:20:09] I'm not going to make any claims for it to be high art,

[1:20:14] but in terms of, like, just fun, fluffy, romantic comedy that'll probably make you feel good if you're feeling down,

[1:20:20] that one might fit the bill.

[1:20:22] You guys got anything?

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:23] More than Untamed Heart, the one where the slate man has a monkey heart.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:29] Yeah, originally titled Baboon Heart.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:31] It makes him super strong for a little while.

[1:20:33] Does it?

[1:20:33] I think so.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:35] He has all the powers of Baboon, so his butt is brightly colored.

[1:20:38] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:39] That's a power.

[1:20:40] The, uh, I would say, uh, I mean, this, again, this is a horror movie, so I don't get my bonus points,

[1:20:46] but I remember when I broke my arm and I was down in the dumps.

[1:20:51] I was a teenager and my mom went to the, uh, video store and rented me Body Parts starring Jeff Fahey,

[1:20:59] where a guy loses a limb in a car accident and he gets a replacement limb from a serial killer.

[1:21:05] Uh, does that serial killer survive and try and reclaim all his body parts?

[1:21:09] You know that shit.

[1:21:11] So watch Body Parts starring Jeff Fahey.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:13] Uh, I have, uh, two options.

[1:21:16] One is, one is also kind of a horror movie and the other one is a kind of a comedy horror movie,

[1:21:20] so I don't know if that counts as different.

[1:21:22] But, uh, if you want to see another movie where someone gets the hands of a serial killer,

[1:21:26] or of a murderer at least, uh, there's Mad Love with, uh, Peter Lorre,

[1:21:30] uh, which is a movie that he plays a surgeon who gives a man the hands of a knife murderer,

[1:21:36] but it's really more about Peter Lorre being a weird creep who's trying to steal the wife away

[1:21:40] from the man who went through the surgery.

[1:21:42] So the hands are not that big, they're not really the issue in the movie.

[1:21:46] Uh, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:48] I have two things I wanted to say about that.

[1:21:50] Just one, uh, I also was surprised when I saw, when I finally saw that,

[1:21:55] like how little of it has to do with the premise.

[1:21:58] And number two, I could tell that you were about to say Peter O'Toole instead of Peter Lorre,

[1:22:01] and I would love to see Mad Love with Peter O'Toole.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:04] Yeah, Peter O'Toole, it would be a very different movie.

[1:22:06] He's kind of creepy in his own way, a different way though.

[1:22:08] But there's a lot of great creepy stuff in it.

[1:22:10] It looks beautiful.

[1:22:11] It was directed by Carl Freund, who is that rare man who, who bridges the gap between, uh,

[1:22:16] Weimar filmmaking and early television since he was the cinematographer,

[1:22:19] Metropolis, and he also was the director for I Love Lucy.

[1:22:22] Uh, and he, you know, he directed, uh, The Mummy too, I believe.

[1:22:26] Uh, and so.

[1:22:27] Wait, wait, wait.

[1:22:27] With Brendan Fraser?

[1:22:29] Uh, no.

[1:22:31] And Rachel Weisz?

[1:22:33] The other one.

[1:22:34] And Oda Fair?

[1:22:35] See Elliot's brain-breaking for a moment there.

[1:22:39] You're checking, Elliot is checking.

[1:22:41] He's like, no, but he did do the Scorpion King.

[1:22:43] No, no, it's the Boris Karloff Mummy.

[1:22:45] I was right.

[1:22:45] It was the Boris Karloff Mummy.

[1:22:47] He didn't, he didn't come back to life, uh, 30 years after his death and direct the

[1:22:51] Brendan Fraser Mummy.

[1:22:52] Uh, but it's, it's just a cool looking movie and, uh, it's Peter Lorre's super creepy in

[1:22:56] it.

[1:22:56] But there's also, I have a, uh, it's not a great movie, but I have a fondness probably

[1:23:00] just from being a kid and watching it with, for the man with two brains, which is a real

[1:23:03] goofy movie about organ transplanting.

[1:23:05] Uh, is it the best comedy in the world?

[1:23:08] No, of course not.

[1:23:10] Uh, but it has some fun stuff in it.

[1:23:12] Now, I was going to recommend the Clint Eastwood movie Bloodwork until I started reading more

[1:23:16] about it and realized I hadn't seen it.

[1:23:18] I thought I had.

[1:23:19] I was thinking, I was thinking of the movie, I was thinking instead of a different Clint

[1:23:22] Eastwood movie, uh, True Crime, I think it's called, but there's no transplant in that.

[1:23:26] So, uh, so I'll just stick with Mad Love and the Man with Two Brains.

[1:23:28] You know what?

Dan McCoy

[1:23:29] Try, try both of those too.

[1:23:30] I bet that they're probably the sort of mindless paperback thriller.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:35] I mean, they are, they are from Clint Eastwood's kind of like tossing him off, uh, part of

[1:23:39] his career where he was just like, sure, I'll make this movie, whatever.

[1:23:42] That seems like a great thing to watch while convalescing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:44] I mean, technically in the movie Bad Taste, Peter Jackson's character does stuff alien brains

[1:23:50] in the hole in his skull.

[1:23:52] So that is kind of a transplant.

[1:23:53] So I would say Bad Taste as well.

[1:23:55] And that's not a horror movie because it's just a great fun comedy.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:58] Uh, I mean it's.

[1:23:59] It's a great movie, but it might make you feel a little sicker.

[1:24:02] No, man, no, that movie rules.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:04] I would say that's a fun movie.

[1:24:06] I wouldn't call it a great movie, but.

[1:24:07] You get out of here.

[1:24:10] Close the zoom window.

[1:24:11] Go on, kid.

[1:24:11] Sorry, sorry.

[1:24:12] Here's actually, here's what you do.

[1:24:13] Watch Bad Taste.

[1:24:14] Watch it on Amazon Prime if it's still available there with the captions on.

[1:24:17] And whoever did the captions describes all the music that plays during the movie.

[1:24:22] Oh, nice.

[1:24:22] And it's very funny how specific they are about what the music sounds like.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:26] Okay.

[1:24:27] Well, I got one more important message from a listener.

[1:24:29] This one is from Dorothy, last name withheld, who writes.

[1:24:33] Dorothy's Warnack from Golden Girls?

[1:24:35] Yeah.

[1:24:36] Yeah.

[1:24:37] Stone fruits.

[1:24:38] I would start by apologizing for the pedantry, but I'm not sure pedantry is something that bothers the peaches.

[1:24:45] I'm a professor of plant biology, and I would like to clear up a few misconceptions about what a fruit is.

[1:24:50] Yep.

[1:24:51] Let's call up Chris.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:52] Let's call up the fruit brute.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:53] Yeah.

[1:24:54] Are they about to tell us that a boy can't grow leaves on his legs?

Dan McCoy

[1:24:58] So we can't make a pencil out of leaves?

[1:25:01] A fruit is a mature ovary containing seeds that matures following the fertilization of ovules.

[1:25:09] The part that we think of as a fruit is the ovary wall that is developed into something tasty for seed dispersers to eat.

[1:25:17] Therefore, a nut is a type of fruit.

[1:25:20] Often what we call a nut, the part we eat, is the seed.

[1:25:24] The fruits of a strawberry are actually the brown things called achines, achines, I'm not sure, on the outside of the strawberry.

[1:25:32] The red part is the receptacle that holds the ovaries.

[1:25:35] A strawberry is an aggregate fruit.

[1:25:37] It is not a berry.

[1:25:39] Berries are simple fleshy fruits with seeds inside.

[1:25:43] Cucumbers, tomatoes, pumpkins, and bananas are examples.

[1:25:47] Strawberries, raspberries, and blackberries are not berries.

[1:25:52] Three words with berry in the name.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:54] I feel like at this point, there's certain times when science has to just make way for the way everybody talks.

[1:26:00] Like, I understand the reason.

[1:26:01] Come up with a different name other than berry for what that is.

[1:26:03] The same way that, like, at this point, no one's using berry to describe, like, a banana.

[1:26:08] No, no.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:09] This is, look, this is all scientifically.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:11] Also, weirdly enough, although it is called a berry, the show on HBO featuring Bill Hader is not a berry.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:19] Interesting.

[1:26:20] Oh, oh, yeah.

[1:26:21] And as many people may know, if you don't try to eat a brickleberry, the taste is sour and very unpleasant.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:27] The movie Dead and Buried features no berries either.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:31] Yeah, and another fun fact, the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.

[1:26:34] Mm-hmm.

[1:26:35] The little, okay, back to the letter.

[1:26:36] The little hairs on raspberries that gross out Elliot are called styles.

[1:26:42] Called styles from fucking Teen Wolf's friend.

[1:26:45] They're called styles.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:46] Oh, that's why that raspberry says, what are you looking at, penis nose?

[1:26:51] Or is it dick nose?

[1:26:52] I can't remember.

[1:26:52] Dick nose.

[1:26:53] Dick nose.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:53] Penis nose.

[1:26:54] That's the, I guess, that's the G-rated version.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:58] That was the network edit, yeah.

[1:26:59] These are the structures in the flower that sperm cells travel down to fertilize the ovule at the base of the style,

[1:27:05] which then develops into the fruit.

[1:27:07] Fruit, you nasty.

[1:27:08] Hope, that was my edition.

[1:27:10] Was that in the letter or that was you?

[1:27:11] That was, that was.

[1:27:13] Hope you found this interesting and not annoying.

[1:27:16] Have been listening to your show since I was a graduate student working long nights alone in the lab.

[1:27:19] Thanks for the company.

[1:27:21] Dorothy, last name withheld.

[1:27:22] P.S.

[1:27:22] I also went to Earlham.

[1:27:24] Go Quakers.

[1:27:24] Hell yeah.

[1:27:25] Hustling Quakes.

[1:27:26] That's us, baby.

[1:27:28] So, thank you for that.

[1:27:29] Sometimes you learn something here on the Fluff House.

[1:27:32] Mm-hmm.

[1:27:32] Occasionally.

[1:27:32] Very infrequently, but.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:34] Yep.

[1:27:35] You learn how to drag and drop this shit in the garbage and get on with your life.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:39] I mean, Rufus Sewell learned that it was the Missouri Breaks that he was thinking of if he's listening to this episode.

[1:27:44] Oh, man.

[1:27:45] Yeah, he said it's his favorite podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:48] But I think he only says that as some kind of weird sexual mind game he has with me.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:52] Let's get on to the next thing.

[1:27:53] I know Stuart has some birthday parties to go to.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:56] I do have some birthday parties to go.

[1:27:58] I'm fucking popular.

[1:27:59] Let's do this.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:01] Recommendations is the last part of the podcast.

[1:28:03] That's what it is.

[1:28:05] You might want to watch instead of wasting your life as we have with these films.

[1:28:11] Mistake?

[1:28:12] I wish we hadn't made.

[1:28:13] Yeah.

[1:28:14] If we headed over to – again, would we be as successful with a different format?

[1:28:19] Probably.

[1:28:19] We could have done something that enriched our lives.

[1:28:23] Anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:24] If this show was about cars or sports, we'd be way more successful.

[1:28:28] Oh, well.

[1:28:28] Let's just call it car talk, guys.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:30] Or food.

[1:28:30] I feel like people like talking food.

[1:28:33] Yeah.

[1:28:33] That's why that fucking fruit episode was crazy.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:36] Yeah.

[1:28:36] Stuart's a real trailblazer.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:38] He's doing mad numbers.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:41] Let me recommend to you Crimes of the Future, the latest David Grunenberg film.

[1:28:49] If you like Grunenberg, you'll like this one.

[1:28:51] That's all I got to say.

[1:28:52] If you like people using technology that looks like bones that have been put together.

[1:29:00] Love it.

[1:29:02] Goo and –

[1:29:04] Love it.

[1:29:05] If you like a movie that has a man with a zipper in his stomach so you can see his internal organs.

[1:29:10] Love it.

[1:29:11] Crimes of the Future is for you.

[1:29:12] It's not – look, it's got almost as many exposition dumps as old does.

[1:29:18] Oh, but Cronenberg exposition dumps are great.

[1:29:21] Yeah.

[1:29:21] Yeah, it's not a perfect film.

[1:29:22] But yeah, his exposition dumps, he does find kind of fun ways of doing it with just barely concealed,

[1:29:29] like sick rye comedy underneath the seriousness of all of it.

[1:29:35] And it – I don't know.

[1:29:37] It's ultimately like a meditation on a lot of like real emotions even though the actual content of the film is very bizarre.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:45] You – I mean you just said – and I know it was just like a turn of phrase, but you said that it's not a perfect movie.

[1:29:51] And I feel like that's part of what makes Cronenberg movies so great is that they all are like imperfect in such like interesting and fun ways.

[1:29:59] Like this is a guy – I don't know.

[1:30:00] Like he's a genuine like weirdo auteur kind of that still makes movies that could be played in a movie theater.

[1:30:08] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:09] Agreed.

[1:30:10] Stu, why don't you recommend something?

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:12] So I was surfing around on the old Shudder the other day and I had to wash the taste of the movie The Sadness out of my mouth.

[1:30:20] Do not recommend that one unless you like super gross stuff.

[1:30:25] Which I normally do, but for whatever reason this one was not gross in a specific way that I appreciated.

[1:30:30] What was it called again?

[1:30:31] The Sadness.

[1:30:32] So I'm not recommending that.

[1:30:34] Instead, I'm going to recommend a movie from 2001 that's also on Shudder called – it's a movie that I'm sure I've mentioned here on the Flop House, but I don't believe I've ever recommended it.

[1:30:43] And that's called Brotherhood of the Wolf.

[1:30:46] Oh, Brotherhood of the Wolf is great.

[1:30:48] It is a French movie.

[1:30:48] Yeah.

[1:30:49] It is – it's kind of like if The Name of the Rose was also an action monster movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:57] It turns basically into a live action video game at the end.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:00] Ooh, baby.

[1:31:01] Yeah, it does.

[1:31:02] It's great.

[1:31:03] It's got a lot of attractive people in it.

[1:31:05] You got Monica Bellucci.

[1:31:08] You got Vincent Gassell.

[1:31:09] You got Mark Dacascos, who is playing a Native American character, so that's not cool.

[1:31:13] But whatever.

[1:31:14] It's Mark Dacascos.

[1:31:15] He's awesome.

[1:31:16] It's directed by Christopher Gans, who I noticed directed – previously had directed the live action Crying Freeman movie, also starring Mark Dacascos.

[1:31:27] Hell yeah.

[1:31:29] So if you like – if the idea of like a period piece, mystery, action, martial arts movie sounds fun, check out Brotherhood of the Wolf.

[1:31:39] It's a blast.

[1:31:40] It's also like super long.

[1:31:42] It looks great.

[1:31:43] Two thumbs up.

[1:31:44] Back in 2001 when my buddy found like a rip of it off the internet.

[1:31:48] It was the coolest thing I'd ever seen.

[1:31:50] I was so nuts for it.

[1:31:51] I remember going –

Dan McCoy

[1:31:52] I was going to do Silent Hill, the Silent Hill movie, which is a mess narratively, but very interesting to look at.

[1:31:59] Yeah.

[1:32:00] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:00] Yeah.

[1:32:00] I remember going to see Brotherhood of the Wolf in the theaters when it came out.

[1:32:04] And I remember there were almost – there's very few other people in the theater and just watching the whole thing being like, how are there not more people in the theater right now watching this?

[1:32:13] It's so – it's a bonkers movie.

[1:32:15] There's so much stuff going on in it.

[1:32:17] So fun.

[1:32:19] Elliot?

[1:32:20] I'm going to recommend a movie, you know, a lot like Brotherhood of the Wolf in that it's from another country.

[1:32:26] But otherwise, it's not very much at all.

[1:32:29] Is there martial arts in it?

[1:32:31] There is not martial arts in it.

[1:32:33] Anyway, this movie is called Old.

[1:32:35] And – no.

[1:32:36] It's not from another country.

[1:32:38] So I recently watched the movie Imagine in Uniform.

[1:32:40] That means girls in uniform.

[1:32:41] Oh, yeah.

[1:32:41] It's a German movie from 1931.

[1:32:44] And it's the story of a girl who gets sent to a very strict private school in Germany and begins a sort of infatuation with this teacher that all the girls have crushes on that turns into a kind of heightened, passionate emotion that threatens the balance of the school.

[1:33:03] She becomes this controversial figure at the school.

[1:33:08] And it's really good.

[1:33:10] The acting in it is really great.

[1:33:12] And it was exciting to see a movie from that era that is so much about love between women, not in a prurient way, not kind of playing on it for titillation, but the feelings that young people can form in their minds around older people and about love that breaks the mold of the time that it's in and things like that.

[1:33:33] But overall, it was just a really good movie.

[1:33:35] And I found it to be very – I mentioned like Picnic at Hanging Rock earlier in this episode.

[1:33:39] And there are things about that movie.

[1:33:41] This movie has no supernatural or mystery elements to it.

[1:33:45] But there are things about that.

[1:33:46] Kind of like old because it's all science.

[1:33:48] Yeah, exactly.

[1:33:49] Exactly.

[1:33:49] But that kind of like – the kind of heightened emotional state of young women in a place together where they can't express themselves fully.

[1:33:58] I thought it captured well.

[1:34:00] So I really liked it a lot.

[1:34:01] Mad Shin in Uniform it's called.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:02] And I know that it's also – as you say, it's not a – it doesn't – like it is a matter of fact film.

[1:34:10] It is not a prurient film.

[1:34:12] I don't know how to say that word.

[1:34:13] As you say, but it is a movie that is looked on as like an early landmark of lesbian cinema.

[1:34:21] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:21] And with good reason.

[1:34:23] It's about – it's about characters.

[1:34:25] It's about same-sex love in that way between women.

[1:34:28] But I'm speaking of the 1931 version.

[1:34:30] There's a 1958 version I have not seen and I cannot vouch for.

[1:34:34] Who knows what goes on in that one?

[1:34:35] But the 1931 one, I enjoyed a lot.

[1:34:38] And Dan, what about you?

[1:34:40] I did mine already so that only means –

[1:34:43] Oh, right.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:43] You didn't already.

[1:34:45] Stu, what about you?

[1:34:46] Have you got one?

[1:34:47] No, no.

[1:34:48] Yeah, so it's a movie from 2001.

[1:34:50] It's from France.

[1:34:50] It's right by Christopher Gantz.

[1:34:52] It sends us – just like zooms us ahead to the next episode of The Flophouse.

[1:34:58] Hey, let's close up this episode by saying thank you to Maximum Fun.

[1:35:05] Go to MaximumFun.org.

[1:35:06] See all the other stuff that's on the network.

[1:35:09] There's a lot of podcasts you could be listening to.

[1:35:11] Maybe you'll like one over there.

[1:35:13] In addition to us, you can go to flophousepodcast.com.

[1:35:18] Find all our episodes.

[1:35:21] Find stuff about us.

[1:35:22] There's an events page that I will soon be updating with the event.

[1:35:28] Hopefully, I will remember to do that beforehand.

[1:35:30] Cool, cool, cool.

[1:35:31] So you can go there.

[1:35:33] No, no, no.

[1:35:34] I'm saying this in part to remind myself to have that done before this episode comes out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:39] So when you listen to this episode next week when it comes out, you'll remember to do it.

[1:35:42] You can see whether I did it or not.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:44] It's a fun game that the audience can play.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:46] I can't stress enough how excited I am that we are doing a live show.

[1:35:51] Yeah.

[1:35:51] Talking about Morbius.

[1:35:53] Yeah.

[1:35:53] Getting up on a stage, being silly buns with my two best buddies.

[1:35:57] I cannot.

[1:35:58] I love being silly buns.

[1:35:59] Wait.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:59] Can't wait.

[1:36:01] And thank you to Alex Smith.

[1:36:03] He is at Howell Dottie on Twitter.

[1:36:05] He is our producer.

[1:36:07] We make a lot of work for him by being as shambling as we are.

[1:36:11] So thank you for helping us, Alex.

[1:36:15] But that's it for the Flophouse.

[1:36:17] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:36:18] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:36:20] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:30] So I'd kind of like to stay on that beach that makes you old.

[1:36:33] I'd just be like, fuck it.

[1:36:35] Let's just enjoy it.

[1:36:36] You know?

[1:36:37] Mm-hmm.

Ep. #372 - Old

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