Episode #373 - Death on the Nile

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Death on the Nile.

[0:03] Uh-oh, guys, I think I watched the wrong movie.

[0:06] I watched Death on the Neal.

[0:08] Did your movie have a guy named Neal in it?

[0:10] Oh, Nellie.

[0:15] Oh, Doctor.

[0:30] Hi, this is Charlene, Stuart's husband.

[0:47] Take two.

[0:48] Hi, this is Charlene Wellington,

[0:54] and I just wanted to make a statement

[0:57] on behalf of the Flophouse

[0:59] regarding the recent Supreme Court decision about Roe v. Wade.

[1:05] And if you are shook, we are also shook.

[1:09] And I just wanted to mention that we don't quite know the way forward,

[1:14] but there is one, and we're all here together.

[1:16] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

[1:23] I am Dan McCoy.

[1:25] Hey, it's me, Stuart Wellington, recording live from Detroit, Michigan.

[1:30] And it's me, Elliot Kalin, recording live from Los Angeles, California, but that's not a new thing.

[1:37] It's not new.

[1:37] Well, my thing's different.

[1:39] I'll tell you.

[1:39] That's true.

[1:40] Yeah.

[1:40] What did you do in Detroit, Stu?

[1:41] I'm here in Michigan.

[1:44] My parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary.

[1:47] That's a big deal, guys.

[1:49] I'm sorry.

[1:51] Were you expecting an applause break?

[1:52] I was expecting an applause break.

[1:55] So Alex just looped that in, throwing an applause break.

[1:58] But so my cousin, who owns a little bit of lakefront property on Lake Huron,

[2:05] hosted a family get-together.

[2:08] And I got to see a lot of my family who I have not gotten to see in years.

[2:11] And I got to ride a fucking jet ski.

[2:14] And let me tell you, I used to think people on jet skis were assholes.

[2:17] Changed my mind.

[2:19] They are thinking the right way.

[2:21] They are living life to its fullest.

[2:24] Of course, it's also possible that you're an asshole now,

[2:26] and that's why you don't see it.

[2:28] Yeah, you may have made the shift.

[2:29] Oh, no, do I have to look at myself in the mirror

[2:32] if I become an asshole?

[2:33] It's fine.

[2:35] Just check your butt in the mirror and see.

[2:38] But, you know, just like in the movie,

[2:41] just like in the colorful, just take a mirror

[2:45] and just check your undercarriage

[2:46] and see what you find down there,

[2:47] because it might surprise you.

[2:48] Yeah.

[2:49] So, what do we do here on this podcast?

[2:53] We talk about Topeka, Kansas and movies.

[2:55] And this is, let me say, this is a podcast where we talk about a critical or a commercial flop that usually of recent provenance.

[3:06] This month has been kind of more or less the flop house and more the mixed review house.

[3:11] I would say that old and this film, Death on the Nile, kind of reviews were a wide range.

[3:18] You know what?

[3:19] Some people really liked them.

[3:21] I don't want to jump ahead, but you could technically call this movie old because it takes place in the past.

[3:28] I mean, no.

[3:31] I mean, you can call the movie old.

[3:32] You can technically call any movie old for any reason you want.

[3:35] Dan, what you're saying is that the last couple episodes haven't reached our full remit of bad movies, and we haven't said much about Topeka, Kansas at the time.

[3:43] So if you're a Fluff House listener and you're disappointed that our movies lately have not been full-fledged flops,

[3:51] Well, maybe come join us to August 7th.

[3:53] August 7th, we're going to be at the Bell House in Brooklyn in New York.

[3:56] We're going to be talking Morbius.

[3:58] That's right, the movie America loves to hate in the form of memes.

[4:01] It's going to be August 7th.

[4:03] That's a Sunday.

[4:04] Doors, 6.30.

[4:05] Show, 7.30 at the Bell House in Brooklyn.

[4:07] Go to thebellhouseny.com, I believe is the – let me double-check.

[4:12] Yeah, thebellhouseny.com for tickets.

[4:14] That's the Flophouse Live, our first live show in two years.

[4:18] Yeah.

[4:18] And you can see it, if you come on down to the Bell House, our favorite venue over in Brooklyn, New York, August 7th.

[4:24] And you'll get to hear us say stuff like, starring Jared Leto Atreides, and other kinds of great jokes like that.

[4:31] Don't give them away, Stu. Don't give them away.

[4:34] Oh no, I'm already gassed out. I'm going to need to tap someone else in.

[4:37] But as with all live shows, we will have all new PowerPoint presentations beforehand that will not be with the episode when we eventually release it.

[4:44] So come on down or you'll never see them. You just won't know what we made jokes about.

[4:48] But hopefully they'll be of a higher caliber than that Jared Leto Atreides one.

[4:52] Thanks for addressing our mission creep, Elliot, with the live show.

[4:58] Stuart, have you checked your levels since you started holding the microphone like a cool dude?

[5:03] Is it still okay?

[5:04] Oh, I mean, it's a little hot.

[5:08] I mean, the microphone is almost in your mouth.

[5:10] I figure our cool editor will just fix it all in post.

[5:16] Yeah, that's me this time.

[5:17] That's me this time.

[5:18] That's what I'm so worried about.

[5:19] Oh, no.

[5:20] Oh, no.

[5:21] Alex is on vacation.

[5:23] Damn.

[5:23] Well, we're not known for having audio issues, right?

[5:26] No, never.

[5:27] Or big tech breaks.

[5:29] That never happens.

[5:29] Oh, wait.

[5:30] Hold on.

[5:31] Last week.

[5:31] And this week, to pull back the curtain, we've had two Zoom mishaps already.

[5:37] Hopefully, I think we've fixed it.

[5:38] They're called zishaps.

[5:40] Okay, thanks, Zima guy.

[5:42] Anyway, death on the Nile.

[5:45] You ever wonder what the Zima guy's up to these days?

[5:47] He's probably living in a very real town we passed up here in Michigan, Zilwocky.

[5:53] I'm not making that up.

[5:55] I saw it.

[5:55] You think he's just like, huh?

[5:58] Good morning, everybody.

[6:00] I'm going to go check the Zale.

[6:01] And his wife is like, oh, God, divorce me.

[6:08] Yeah, take back this ring to Zales.

[6:14] And he's like, well, I got it at Zsmore.

[6:16] And I get that mole checked out.

[6:18] Every Zs begins with Zay.

[6:20] Now, Zima guy, if you're out there, please write into the Flophouse.

[6:24] Let us know how you're doing.

[6:25] We're still putting Zs in front of your words.

[6:27] And for the younger people out there, write in if you don't know what Zima is,

[6:30] and we'll explain it to you.

[6:31] We'll do our best.

[6:34] I think Charlene worked at a place years ago.

[6:36] Charlene worked at a place that had Zima on draft or on tap.

[6:40] Wow.

[6:41] What a heady time.

[6:42] On zap.

[6:44] Yeah, what a world.

[6:45] Truly a Zoldan age that we've long since passed.

[6:48] For some reason, I don't know why, Zima is entwined in my mind.

[6:51] I need somebody to hit Elliot on the side of the head to fix the record.

[6:55] The Zide of the Zed.

[6:56] It's entwined in my mind with Boku, the fruit juice that Richard Lewis did ads for,

[7:02] and I don't know why.

[7:03] Why are those two things in a combined?

[7:05] I don't remember this at all.

[7:06] You don't remember that one?

[7:07] They were probably both on a VHS tape or a ZHS tape that you had.

[7:13] Thank you.

[7:14] Of like old Ninja Turtles cartoons that you kept watching all the time or something?

[7:17] Yeah, because they advertised a lot of Zima and Boku, grown-up drinks.

[7:20] They were advertising Ninja Turtles quite a bit, sure.

[7:22] I understand that a lot of people like him now based on, what do you call it, the show Curb Your Enthusiasm.

[7:30] Zurb Your Enthusiasm, yeah.

[7:33] What's his face?

[7:34] The guy you were talking about.

[7:35] Richard Lewis.

[7:35] Yeah, I lived through peak Richard Lewis, and I never understood it.

[7:40] I'm like, there's something here that I'm missing.

[7:43] People are telling me this man is a comedian.

[7:46] I'm not sure what's happening.

[7:48] Wow.

[7:49] Wow.

[7:50] I need a treasure.

[7:51] Take that, Zitcher.

[7:52] I didn't know I got an invitation to the roast of Richard Lewis.

[7:56] I'm sorry.

[7:56] Do you feel differently about Richard Lewis?

[7:58] Do you put on a comedy special about Richard Lewis and you're like, ha, ha, ha, ha, hilarious.

[8:02] Not particularly, but still.

[8:05] Yeah, I have to make sure that my knees are reinforced.

[8:07] I'm not scared.

[8:08] Come at me, Richard Lewis.

[8:10] Yeah, I have to wear a corset to keep my sides from splitting too much when I listen.

[8:13] So this is not just a podcast where we rag on Richard Lewis for some reason.

[8:18] We talked about a movie today.

[8:21] I just didn't understand what his deal was.

[8:23] I'll tell you when I laughed at Richard Lewis.

[8:25] I feel like his comedy routine is him bald-facedly explaining his deal.

[8:29] Yeah, I think so.

[8:30] I guess I just didn't find it funny.

[8:32] It's not exactly like an Emo Phillips type riddle that you have to unlock.

[8:35] Oh, no, I find Emo Phillips hilarious.

[8:38] That's how they're different.

[8:39] Because Emile Feltz is a master joke writer.

[8:40] He's hilarious, yeah.

[8:41] Richard Lewis made me laugh once in Robin Hood, Men in Tights,

[8:46] when he says, I have a mole?

[8:48] That made me laugh.

[8:50] I also like when Tracy Ullman says, she changed her name to Latrine.

[8:54] It used to be Shithouse.

[8:55] He goes, that's a good change, a very good change.

[8:58] Okay, Richard Lewis, you know what?

[9:00] I'm back.

[9:00] Pretty funny in Men in Tights.

[9:02] When he's in the hands of second-tier Mel Brooks, you like him.

[9:06] Okay, everybody.

[9:08] Let's talk about this movie today.

[9:09] It's called Death on the Nile.

[9:10] I am so curious to talk to you guys about whether you found this movie as blindingly obvious in its mystery as I did.

[9:17] I certainly did.

[9:20] Audrey early on was like, so what do you think happened?

[9:22] And I said, basically exactly what happened.

[9:25] I mean, this is before the two other murders that are just to cover up the initial murder.

[9:30] But anyway.

[9:31] It's a very dour mystery.

[9:34] It's not a fun mystery.

[9:36] And a part of this is they didn't know when they cast Armie Hammer that he would become synonymous in the minds of America with drinking human blood.

[9:45] But still.

[9:45] And devouring people's bodies.

[9:48] It's a cannibal thing, right?

[9:50] It's actually a vampiric thing.

[9:52] It's kind of shocking how many of the people cast in this movie have taken a turn in public opinion.

[9:58] Yes.

[9:58] Because Letitia Wright was an anti-vaxxer.

[10:01] And Russell Brand is an asshole.

[10:06] himself i mean but they knew that going in that's not a new thing that's that when when russell brand

[10:11] is one of the more restrained performances in the film too it's an interesting movie that you're

[10:15] watching not that they're not that they're particularly over the top performances but

[10:18] let's get into it death on the nile the movie that it dares you not to guess the mystery ahead

[10:22] of time the movie that is it's like it's if if as we've said i think before in the podcast uh we

[10:28] certainly said it in private life that uh with mystery tv shows they want the audience to know

[10:32] ahead of time because audiences like to feel smart

[10:34] to set up a movie about a detective

[10:36] who is famous for noticing things

[10:38] that nobody else notices and yet he doesn't

[10:40] notice that Armie Hammer is a creep

[10:42] until two hours into the film

[10:44] I'm sure we'll get into it later but I'm

[10:46] going to make an argument for

[10:48] Hercule Poirot being a terrible detective

[10:50] in this movie

[10:51] I was just going to say

[10:56] this is the second

[10:58] one of these Kenneth Branagh

[11:00] Hercule Poirot movies

[11:02] and I've not seen the first.

[11:03] I have not seen the first.

[11:05] The first one is about, I would say, on par with this.

[11:08] They're very similar in style, tone, and quality.

[11:13] His mustache is a little more walrus-like in that one,

[11:16] whereas this mustache looks like he just taped another mustache

[11:20] over an existing mustache.

[11:22] It does look like that.

[11:23] It looks like he, at some point, might remove one mustache

[11:26] and throw it like a batarang.

[11:28] Yeah.

[11:28] Yes.

[11:29] It's very strange, and they go to, as with all reboots,

[11:32] that you've got to explain the mustache, which I...

[11:35] I've got to say, the opening sequence, which is a flashback,

[11:39] is the first time I've ever seen a fucking origin story

[11:42] for a fucking mustache.

[11:43] That is wild.

[11:45] That is like, I mean, was it Last Crusade was the movie

[11:50] that really hammered home the idea that they're like,

[11:52] we're throwing in flashbacks, we're going to explain

[11:54] the existence of every element of this character's personality.

[11:56] He did explain his hat, his whip, why he doesn't like snakes.

[11:59] But at least there, that was like a joke.

[12:01] Why it belongs in a museum.

[12:02] Because it's like, oh, all this stuff happened in Rapids' succession on one day.

[12:07] And that's kind of funny.

[12:07] Yeah, why he's called Indiana.

[12:08] Yeah.

[12:09] And also that hadn't, we hadn't seen that so much in movies before.

[12:13] Exactly.

[12:13] So it was like, it was kind of enjoyable.

[12:15] It was so stupid.

[12:16] So if that covered every element of that character's personality, I guess the most important part

[12:21] of Hercule Poirot's personality is his mustache?

[12:24] Well, certainly to Kenneth Branagh, because I will tell you, the rest of Hercule Poirot as shown in this film is not the Poirot I am familiar with.

[12:33] So tell me about that, because I'm really only familiar with the Poirot Albert Finney plays in the original movie of Murder on the Orient Express, which I have to say, that character is so weird and so bizarre in the way that he does everything.

[12:46] And you get the impression that he is a very off-putting man and that people only have him around to solve mysteries, whereas Hercule Poirot here is a very, he's just a respectable, sophisticated gentleman.

[12:57] I think that both of the big movie Poirots, you've got Albert Finney in Murder on the Learning Express, and you've got Peter Ustinov in the original, The Other Death on an Isle, and Evil Under the Sun.

[13:09] Both of those focus on Poirot's fastidiousness, either like Finney is a little more on the serious end and Ustinov plays it all for laughs, which is part of the character.

[13:22] But, you know, like as, you know, David Suchet is the one that everyone points to as sort of being the definitive.

[13:27] Is he the one who did him on TV?

[13:28] Yes.

[13:29] I've seen pictures of him.

[13:30] Just as Jeremy Brett is often pointed to as the definitive Sherlock Holmes.

[13:34] And Tony Shalhoub is the definitive monk.

[13:37] Yes.

[13:39] Despite Name of the Rose featuring many different monks, none of them hold a candle.

[13:44] Sorry, Thelonious.

[13:46] Anyway, so the fastidiousness, I guess, is something else that is done in Branagh's version.

[13:59] Although here Branagh interprets it sort of as full OCD.

[14:04] Like there's a scene early on where he must have an even number of desserts.

[14:09] uh but poirot in the you know in the stories is more of a sort of a kindly listener uh and you

[14:19] know like he's just a gentleman who's like a little too he dresses a little too like natalie

[14:25] but like out of fashion a bit and he dresses like natalie walker yeah yeah very fashionable

[14:32] um no but he's like a bit of a fancy pants but like maybe a little out of date but he's a nice

[14:38] man who people you know open up to and that's part of his thing i see and as opposed to going

[14:45] to each person and accusing them of being a murderer well that's what i wanted to say like

[14:48] this this version of poirot like usually in a in a in a story like this you have like the like the

[14:55] police detectives the dumb police detectives and like holmes or poirot or what like who just want

[15:00] to accuse people because they don't really care they just want to make a collar and the main

[15:05] detective is the one who actually cares about the truth and here like it's like well we don't

[15:08] have those characters so let's just have

[15:10] Hercule Poirot go and accuse

[15:12] everyone in turn as if

[15:14] he's like well you had a good explanation

[15:16] now on to the next person I'm going to

[15:18] accuse

[15:18] he's like barreling around the place like

[15:22] a rhino

[15:23] he's incredibly unsophisticated in the way

[15:26] that he gets information from people

[15:28] and literally dead bodies have to like

[15:30] fall in front of him almost

[15:31] you know evidence needs to be dredged

[15:34] up out of the sea

[15:35] by the end of this thing

[15:36] five people have died i do not think this is a successful case in the annals

[15:42] on his best of list yeah yeah when the av club does top 10 best hercule poirot cases this is

[15:51] not as most effective uh the so if i if i don't maybe this is better at the end of the episode

[16:00] But if I was going to take a dive into Hercule Poirot stories, where should I start, Dan?

[16:06] Stories?

[16:08] Like the book?

[16:08] I mean, like everyone.

[16:09] Or movies.

[16:10] Or TV shows.

[16:11] Watch an episode or two of the David Suchet TV show.

[16:15] I mean, look, it's going to be that kind of a little too slow, cozy feeling British production.

[16:22] But David Suchet is a great actor, so it's fun to watch him do his version of the character.

[16:28] I mean, look, I don't think that movies have to be accurate to the source material necessarily.

[16:36] But there has to be a reason or an improvement.

[16:39] Or if it's something like Batman, where we've had like 82 Batmen by now, you want to find a new angle on it.

[16:47] So maybe you go a little nuttier with it.

[16:51] The angle could be put Colin Farrell in a penguin outfit.

[16:55] But we haven't had Poirot on the screen since like in the movies, at least since like the late 70s, early 80s.

[17:04] So it's like until Murder on the Orient Express, the new one.

[17:06] Yeah. So like it's weird to me that this version is so unrecognizable.

[17:11] But anyway, well, let's talk about it.

[17:15] Let's get into the plot of this movie, because it is it is a movie.

[17:18] Like I said, it is daring you to imagine a more complicated mystery than actually is brought forward.

[17:23] but we begin it's october 31st 1914 that's right halloween in the trenches of world war one the

[17:30] fact that it's halloween goes unremarked upon you want to see something really scary here's what's

[17:35] really scary man's inhumanity to man thanks kenneth brana anyway uh they're in belgium and there's all

[17:41] these soldiers and muddy trenches and ravens and this part's all in black and white and the french

[17:44] army or maybe it's the belgian army whoever i don't remember it was a french or belgian captain

[17:48] because is Poirot supposed to be Belgian or French?

[17:51] He's Belgian.

[17:51] Okay, so it's the Belgian army.

[17:53] They get the order to attack this heavily guarded bridge in three hours.

[17:58] The wind's going to shift, they're going to gas it, and they're going to attack.

[18:01] And they should expect heavy casualties.

[18:03] And Poirot, who's one of the soldiers and does not yet have a Walrusine mustache,

[18:07] he notices that the birds are flying around in such a way

[18:11] that it shows the wind is going to turn early

[18:13] because the birds always fly this way for the winter.

[18:15] He goes, if we attack now, then the wind will push our gas forward and hide us.

[18:19] Basically the same plan, but let's do it now instead of in three hours.

[18:22] And are they going to do it?

[18:24] They do it.

[18:24] And they manage to push the Germans back.

[18:26] It's a successful advance.

[18:28] But then his captain trips a tripwire that blows him up and blows the bridge up.

[18:32] So it was kind of a waste.

[18:34] And blows off some of Poirot's face.

[18:37] As we find the next scene where he's in the hospital, he's visited by his fiancée Catherine,

[18:41] who is either English or is just being played with an English accent

[18:44] because everyone in Europe in an American movie,

[18:47] unless you make a point of it, has an English accent.

[18:49] Like, and just as everyone in ancient Rome has an English accent.

[18:52] And he goes, oh, I didn't want you to see me this way.

[18:55] My face has been scarred.

[18:56] It's not that badly scarred.

[18:57] It's scratched up.

[18:58] Oh, oh, oh, oh.

[18:59] Elliot, I'm going to go the opposite direction.

[19:01] It's pretty gross.

[19:02] His cheek, when he turns.

[19:03] Yeah, because it hasn't healed yet.

[19:04] Yeah, well, he turns his face.

[19:06] His cheek is still open.

[19:07] I'm like, I understand that this is like an army makeshift hospital,

[19:13] but someone should probably stitch that up because it is an open wound.

[19:16] They should have given him some medical care.

[19:18] And then later on she's like, is he going to become a fucking dead pool?

[19:22] What's going on here?

[19:23] And then she's like, oh, you know, you could grow a mustache to cover it.

[19:27] I'm like, honey, that is not going to get covered by a mustache,

[19:29] although it magically is for the rest of the movie.

[19:32] Although it does in the movie.

[19:32] That's what I'm saying.

[19:33] It couldn't have been that bad because his mustache does manage to cover it up,

[19:36] it's not that big a mustache except for then at the end you know leap to spoiler alert we do see

[19:42] his unmustachioed face later on at the end of the movie and again that mustache would not have

[19:48] covered the scars that we see no at best a beard might have gotten some of it anyway uh now we go

[19:54] to london in 1937 we're in color now poirot is a famous detective he's got a mustache he's returning

[19:59] from egypt which is confusing since he's about to go to egypt but i think that's only because so at

[20:05] What I read in the IMDb trivia was that at the end of Murder on the Orient Express, someone says,

[20:08] Poirot, there's been a death on the Nile.

[20:10] And that sets up the sequel, supposedly.

[20:13] Except in this sequel, he bumps into the mystery.

[20:16] He's not told to go to Egypt for this murder.

[20:19] And so I think they just needed to explain that away, that he was just in Egypt for a different mystery.

[20:23] But he's going to go back for this one, which is dumb.

[20:26] And so he goes into a jazz club, and that's where we first meet some of our other characters.

[20:33] Let's go through – and while Hercule Poirot is too busy arranging his desserts in a pyramid on his table and having one too many for him to be happy, we meet some of the other characters.

[20:44] We meet Salome Otterborn, who is a renowned jazz singer, and her niece, Rosalie Otterborn, who says that Salome is not going on stage until they get paid, which is how you – at the time, that was how you had to be when you were a black performer.

[20:59] If you didn't get paid before the show, there was a big chance you were just going to get stiff.

[21:02] So that's – and that's – as far as I know, until the end of her days, that's how Aretha Franklin still operated, was if you wanted to perform, you had to hand her either a cashier's check or a bag full of money, and then she would count it before she would go on stage because she'd been cheated so many times in the beginning of her career.

[21:17] And we also meet, uh-oh, some sexy dancers dirty dancing all over the dance floor once the music starts.

[21:25] That's Armie Hammer as Simon Doyle and Emma McKee as Jackie DeBelfort.

[21:33] And they are engaged.

[21:34] And they might as well be having sex on the floor.

[21:36] It is just super steamy, especially for 1937.

[21:39] But I guess they didn't invent sex nowadays.

[21:41] They had it back then, too.

[21:42] Yep.

[21:45] Yeah, so wait, you're talking about the dancing between Emma and him,

[21:49] not even what happens then with Gal Gadot.

[21:52] Gal Gadot hasn't shown up yet, but she's about to.

[21:54] Yeah, yeah.

[21:54] Because that's crazy, and we'll talk about it when it comes up.

[21:57] Sorry.

[21:58] So Jackie and Simon, they're just all over each other.

[22:02] There is a part even where Jackie bends down in front of him,

[22:05] and he kind of thrusts his pelvis into her butt,

[22:08] which was not a dance move in the 30s.

[22:09] I'm sorry.

[22:10] I mean, maybe, I don't know.

[22:11] Yeah, his tongue rolled out and turned into a little carpet,

[22:15] And she walked up and down it?

[22:16] I mean, it's so obvious, it's so much on the nose that his tongue might have as well turned

[22:21] into a phallus and gone, ooh, boy, and then went back into his face, you know?

[22:25] And so Gal Gadot shows up.

[22:27] She's Lynette Ridgway.

[22:28] She is a wealthy heiress, and she's a friend of Jackie DeBelfort's, and she introduces

[22:33] them, and there is instant, instant steam between her and Simon.

[22:38] Yeah, because they're both super attractive.

[22:40] They dance.

[22:41] As if they were the reincarnations of long-lost lovers.

[22:45] and they dance in a very funny choreographed way absurd like i like you know his old flame is

[22:51] witnessing the new flame and looking sad and it would be enough for them to like dance close enough

[22:56] in any other movie i think but like they fall just short of like doing the dirty dancing lift like he

[23:02] actually does lift her up and i'm like you just this new lady you're like dancing like this but

[23:10] they also it's also he's trying to get a job dude yeah it's true because because jackie then asks

[23:15] that uh that simon can get a job as the caretaker on her new estate she just inherited and he's got

[23:20] we got another great one better than the way the hammer dance i guess and there is he is when he

[23:26] meets gal gadot he is such sleaze smarm from moment one from moment one you can read all over

[23:33] him that he is a bad dude he is not a sincere well-meaning person and it's just like max von

[23:38] side i was showing up in minority report where you're like oh the bad guy just walked into yeah

[23:42] like oh the devil just walked in great i think i wonder if he'll turn out to be a bad guy

[23:46] oh your name's lewis cypher huh okay take my mom let me just check uh yeah there is a there is a

[23:55] ticket here for a d evil that's your name what does the d stand for it stands for devil so your

[24:00] name is devil evil yes but i'm a perfectly nice man and i should be your friend okay

[24:05] And at the end of the movie,

[24:06] I can't believe devil evil betrayed me.

[24:08] And so, but there's a part in that dance

[24:11] where Gal Gadot like turns around

[24:13] and walks forward a couple steps

[24:14] and he walks forward behind her

[24:15] and then she puts her hand on his shoulder

[24:17] or vice versa.

[24:18] But it's like a choreographed move.

[24:20] It's not like, it's a silly dance.

[24:22] Anyway, Poirot's watching them dance

[24:25] then cut to the Nile six weeks later.

[24:27] We get pyramids up the ass,

[24:28] shot after shot of the pyramids.

[24:30] Oh my Lord.

[24:31] Yeah, it's, man,

[24:33] They throw in so many big, like, sweeping digital shots like this.

[24:37] Yes.

[24:37] And it's like, who is this for?

[24:39] Let's talk about the digital shots because I looked it up.

[24:43] They were going to shoot this in Morocco.

[24:45] It was actually shot in England.

[24:47] And one would think, oh, this is like a COVID thing.

[24:50] This was all shot in 2019.

[24:51] So it wasn't even a COVID issue.

[24:54] No, they held the movie for a while.

[24:56] Decided to not have anything real in the movie.

[25:00] Like, I think that there are, like, a couple of shots that are peppered in there that some second unit picked up.

[25:05] Wait, that shot of a crocodile eating a bird out of the air, like, snatching a bird out of the air, that was real, right?

[25:12] Yeah, very realistic.

[25:13] The crocodile said, sorry, folks, didn't mean to make you watch that.

[25:18] Hey, don't worry, everybody, we'll get back to the story in just a moment.

[25:22] How are you enjoying the picture?

[25:23] It did hurt the realism when the crocodile turned to the audience and said,

[25:30] It's a living, and then went back under the water.

[25:32] Yeah, and then Hulk Hogan came out and like,

[25:34] hey, crocodile, stop eating all those birds

[25:36] and let people watch the movie that they paid good money for.

[25:38] Let people enjoy the movie, or the Hulkster's going to go wild on you.

[25:40] So here's what got to me about these pyramid shots.

[25:43] Every time they go to an Egyptian site,

[25:45] they go to Abu Sindel and stuff like that,

[25:47] the camera swoops around like drone-type shots,

[25:50] and it looks really fake, but also it's like,

[25:53] create the feeling for me that I am with these characters

[25:56] at the base of these monumental, you know, ruins.

[26:00] Yeah.

[26:00] And shoot it from below with the characters

[26:03] so that I feel like I'm there.

[26:04] When you're swooping over it, I'm like,

[26:06] did I just, am I watching now like a demo reel for GoPro?

[26:10] Like, what's going on?

[26:11] Like, it's from no one's point of view.

[26:13] It looks weird.

[26:13] It makes everything look fakey.

[26:15] And it takes these things that,

[26:16] even a CGI version of the Sphinx or the pyramids

[26:19] should look impressive next to your characters.

[26:21] And it just kind of minimizes all of them, you know?

[26:24] Yeah, I mean, look, there's a certain beauty to the fake images, but it's like a chintzy beauty, like, you know, I don't know, like, it's just cheap digital art, you know?

[26:38] I'll tell you, the movie felt to me the same way that a movie poster looks to me, where everything looks kind of airbrushed and weird.

[26:45] And it almost gets to the point of like a 1980s Playboy centerfold where the women's faces and bodies have been airbrushed to the point where they no longer look like a photograph.

[26:54] Yeah.

[26:55] Well, it all looks super slick and smooth and a glossy kind of like, not in a fun way, not in a glossy like fantasy world way, you know.

[27:03] But movie poster, I think, is a good correlation because it also, like in a lot of these shots, I have no idea what plane any of the characters are on or if they're anywhere like.

[27:15] yeah just there's the the sense of space doesn't make sense in a lot of times yeah yeah and i think

[27:20] that really is to the detriment of a thing where part of the excitement is the location is the idea

[27:25] that they're in an exotic location you know and as you know we see it's the 21st century and we

[27:29] shouldn't exoticize foreign cultures but the but egypt is still a very exciting location you know

[27:35] like you can't get over how exciting the pyramids and the nile and the sphinx and all that stuff are

[27:40] So to make it turn into a movie poster kind of postcard stuff is disappointing.

[27:45] But anyway, Poirot, he's got a duet of pleasures.

[27:47] He's got a table full of sweets, and he's got a view of the Sphinx.

[27:50] Does it get any better than that?

[27:51] Unless you get them mixed up and take a bite out of the Sphinx.

[27:54] Maybe that's why it doesn't have a nose.

[27:55] Poirot just bit it off.

[27:56] Well, it turns out it's chocolate, though.

[27:58] Oh, yeah.

[27:59] So it was all chocolate, really.

[28:00] Yeah, it's chocolate.

[28:01] It's amazing it doesn't melt in that hot Giza sun.

[28:04] Well, they put marzipan on top.

[28:07] His view of the Sphinx is wrecked by a kite,

[28:10] and that's only when he notices for the first time

[28:12] that there is a man who has climbed halfway up the pyramids

[28:14] to fly a kite.

[28:16] It's ridiculous.

[28:17] With no gear.

[28:18] You can do that?

[28:19] They just let you do that?

[28:21] There's nobody else there?

[28:22] I guess, I mean, it was the time when,

[28:24] I mean, this is the reason now

[28:25] that I think you need to have guards and stuff

[28:28] letting you in a certain number of people at a time.

[28:30] Because there was a period, it's true,

[28:31] where, yeah, because Booke would just go and wreck old ruins.

[28:34] And he finds out it's his friend, Booke,

[28:37] who's kind of like a rich gadabout.

[28:39] And Dan, is this a character from the other movie?

[28:41] This is a character.

[28:42] I had to go check on this.

[28:44] He was in, I mean,

[28:46] I didn't have to check that he was in the other movie.

[28:48] On the Poirot wiki.

[28:49] He's, regular wiki will surprise.

[28:52] But he's also in,

[28:54] he's in Murder on the Orient Express, the film.

[28:56] He's also in the book Murder on the Orient Express,

[28:59] which is something that I checked.

[29:00] This actor is?

[29:01] No, the character of Book.

[29:03] Because I checked it because like,

[29:05] In so much as Poirot has a Watson figure, he has his friend Hastings, who is sort of

[29:13] an English, I think he was a soldier, but he's also got kind of a Bertie Wooster vibe.

[29:18] You know, he's like, anyway.

[29:20] Kind of a not-too-bright rich guy?

[29:23] A little bit, yeah.

[29:25] But, you know, a nice sporting man who backs Poirot up.

[29:29] And he was not, though, in the book of Death on the Nile.

[29:35] They just transported this character on.

[29:37] They're like, oh, we need more, you know, consistency between the movies, I guess.

[29:41] So it's kind of like with the Pirates of the Caribbean movies where they were like, we got to bring back every character.

[29:46] All the characters you loved, like those guards, the soldiers, they're in all of them now.

[29:52] That English territorial governor or whatever, you know, what a weird miscalculation.

[29:57] Hey, you know what people loved about this pirate movie with skeletons in it?

[30:00] All these characters that have nothing supernatural or distinctive about them.

[30:04] Bring them all.

[30:05] I mean, good for those actors, you know, that they got the paycheck.

[30:08] Yeah, do you think it was just like those actors just got a really badass contract signed

[30:13] and they're like, fuck, our hands are tied.

[30:16] So Book and his mom, Annette Bening, playing Euphemia, she's a painter,

[30:23] they are there because they're part of the wedding celebration party

[30:27] for some rich people they know,

[30:30] for a cousin of theirs or something, anyway,

[30:32] or just someone they're friends with.

[30:33] And she has an English accent.

[30:35] Yeah, Annette Bening has an English accent, yes.

[30:38] But she doesn't in real life.

[30:40] No, in real life she does not have an English accent.

[30:42] And Kenneth Branagh has a French accent.

[30:45] Well, Belgium.

[30:46] Belgium, but in real life he has an English accent,

[30:49] but in this he has a Belgian accent.

[30:50] Okay, okay.

[30:51] Yeah, I was reading about...

[30:53] I mean, you're going to have to clarify

[30:54] a couple more accents for me.

[30:55] Okay, we'll get to them, we'll get to them.

[30:56] But they're part of this wedding party, and Book, being the kind of rich asshole that he is, invites Perrault to come along with them on this trip through Egypt that is not their trip.

[31:04] Like, they're part of a larger group.

[31:07] And at this point, there's an overhead shot of a pyramid where I actually had that optical illusion where even though it is pointing out, it looked like it was pointing in, like it was.

[31:19] That's what Nyarlathotep wants you to think.

[31:23] Exactly.

[31:24] up to that it was up to that point i had i wrote my notes most interesting part of movie so far

[31:28] so that brief inadvertent uh optical illusion and the most the second most interesting part

[31:34] comes up soon as we see that french and saunders the english sketch duo have reunited for this film

[31:39] but uh then i was waiting for bob and david show up in the post i was exactly i was just waiting

[31:46] for joanna lumley to show up to complete uh to complete uh jennifer saunders's other uh other

[31:51] friends but anyway uh so they go to the hotel uh where we see all sorts of stuff that's set up a

[31:55] man sends a sneaky telegram and there's and french and saunders check in and one of them is a

[32:00] socialist and the other is her kind of nursemaid and a guy is and russell brand is repeating an

[32:05] affirmation into a mirror and there's a french lady who has a fancy jeweled necklace and all

[32:09] sorts of stuff anyway the important part is it's simon's wedding party army hammer but wait a

[32:14] it that's not jackie who he married he married gal gadot oh no lynette ridgeway jackie's friend

[32:21] uh-oh stole this man away uh we introduce some of the other characters book literally leans into

[32:27] four oh and just whispers to him who some of the other characters are and why they might have an

[32:31] issue with lynette yeah um also very agatha christie just a character being like let me

[32:36] explain the motives of everyone here there's there's uh there's lynette's cousin in quotes

[32:41] because they were raised together as if they were family,

[32:43] but really it's because his family worked for hers, Andrew,

[32:46] who kind of now runs the family business.

[32:48] There's Salome Audubon.

[32:51] He also has a mustache.

[32:52] Yes, also has a mustache, but it's a much more minimal mustache.

[32:57] Not as minimal as Armie Hammer's.

[32:59] If you had kind of like a Wonder Bread growth chart of mustaches,

[33:02] it would start with Armie Hammer's, which is kind of a pencil mustache.

[33:04] Then it would go to Andrew's, which is the kind of mustache my dad has.

[33:07] And then it would go to Kenneth Branagh's mustache,

[33:10] which is the kind of mustache that an animal, an undersea animal.

[33:13] Some sort of warthog.

[33:14] Carry around.

[33:16] Carry around in case he needed to sell it.

[33:19] Yeah, yeah.

[33:20] As a disguise if he needs to buy some beer.

[33:23] I see, I see, yeah.

[33:25] Because there's a picture of that warthog at the front that says,

[33:27] do not sell to this warthog.

[33:29] And so he puts on a mustache and the guy checks it.

[33:31] You're a different warthog.

[33:33] That warthog doesn't have a mustache.

[33:34] Exactly.

[33:34] Anyway, the Otterborns are there to entertain,

[33:37] because it turns out Rosalie Otterborn, the niece,

[33:40] is an old schoolmate of Lynette's.

[33:41] There's Dr. Windlesham, who's Russell Brand,

[33:44] who used to be engaged to Lynette,

[33:46] and she broke that engagement for Simon.

[33:48] And some other ones.

[33:51] Anyway, everyone's having a great time

[33:53] until Jackie shows up, Simon's ex-fiancee,

[33:56] horrifying Lynette and throwing them off

[33:59] to such a point that they all leave,

[34:01] that they just cannot, they can't have fun anymore.

[34:04] They've got to go.

[34:04] The next day, they're all at some kind of,

[34:07] you know, Egyptian bazaar.

[34:09] Hercule Poirot saves Lynette from a CGI snake

[34:11] that almost bites her.

[34:12] Oh, yeah, it was really scary.

[34:13] That's one of the many moments where I'm like,

[34:15] I don't know that this movie understands

[34:18] why people like cozy mysteries.

[34:20] They feel they need to beef it up

[34:22] with a snake attacking her.

[34:24] I think partly because this movie,

[34:26] spoiler alert as we get to it,

[34:27] the murder doesn't happen until an hour into the film.

[34:30] Yeah, it's crazy.

[34:31] Halfway through the film before the murder,

[34:31] which is weird.

[34:32] And you would think that you would spend that time

[34:34] getting to know these characters

[34:35] and building a puzzle box.

[34:37] No, no, no.

[34:38] No, most of that time is spent watching them dance to music over and over again.

[34:42] Or there's a lot of wealth porn.

[34:43] Like, most of the movie is wealth porn.

[34:45] It's the idea of, like, 30s rich, you know, you get on a boat and you have everything you want in the world on the boat.

[34:51] It's like Fifty Shades of Grey that way, where the movie is not really about transgressive, dominant sex.

[34:56] The movie is about, look at all the stuff rich people have.

[34:59] Isn't it amazing?

[35:00] I have a private plane.

[35:01] I have my own boat.

[35:01] I have a castle.

[35:02] That kind of stuff.

[35:03] And they, so Simon and Lynette, they ask Poirot to help them with Jackie, who has been following them the whole trip.

[35:09] And Lynette is, and Poirot's like, well, I solve crimes.

[35:12] She has a committed one.

[35:13] I don't know what you want me to do.

[35:15] I'm not a bodyguard, you know.

[35:18] Poirot, the Italian Belgian man.

[35:23] I guess we got Elliot's Halloween costume picked out.

[35:25] Yeah, I think I'll be, I'm going to be Poirot, the poor man's version of Poirot.

[35:32] And Lynette is like, I'm sure Jackie's going to commit a crime.

[35:35] Stick around.

[35:36] And Perrault talks to Jackie to kind of try to convince her to go away.

[35:40] And she's like, Simon still loves me.

[35:42] I know it.

[35:43] And I still love him.

[35:44] And look, I have a gun.

[35:45] And like this.

[35:46] Then Perrault calls for this hook, line, and sinker.

[35:49] Yeah.

[35:50] And Perrault, he tells the Doyles, Simon, and Lynette, he goes, just go home.

[35:54] You're rich.

[35:55] Why do you have to gad about the Nile?

[35:56] Just go to your house and enjoy being rich at home.

[36:00] And Simon's like, yeah, let's do it.

[36:02] And he sings a song about Du Poisson.

[36:04] Yeah, Du Poisson, Du Poisson, hee hee, ha ha ha.

[36:07] It's amazing to me.

[36:09] So there was a period when my kids were really into Beating the Beast,

[36:11] or always into Little Mermaid, and they always wanted to hear the music.

[36:14] And it always baffled me that this character got a song,

[36:17] this fish chef who only shows up to terrorize Sebastian the crab

[36:21] for a short amount of time, that he gets a song, which is nuts.

[36:25] Yeah.

[36:25] And who else gets songs?

[36:28] Sebastian gets two songs, Under the Sea and Kiss the Girl,

[36:31] which, of course, he's an amazing singer.

[36:33] Those are great songs.

[36:33] And Ariel gets, I think, just one song, right?

[36:37] Part of Your World.

[36:38] Does she get any other songs in the movie?

[36:39] I think that's it.

[36:40] She's the star.

[36:40] What about Ursula?

[36:41] Yeah, Ursula gets a song.

[36:43] She's the one.

[36:43] She gets a great song.

[36:45] I mean, she's amazing.

[36:46] But that, so, Sebastian wins the number of songs.

[36:51] On the second, it's a three-way tie between Ariel, Ursula,

[36:54] and this chef who does not even have a name.

[36:56] I like to think that Minkin and Ashman had this song.

[36:59] They're like, oh, we wrote this song for a French chef singing about fish.

[37:03] We have it in the trunk.

[37:05] We just got to work it into our next project.

[37:08] Is there any way we can use some of that material from that singing restaurant we wrote material for that closed the first night?

[37:14] They said it'll be like Jekyll and Hyde's, but singing instead of scaring.

[37:19] Yeah.

[37:20] That's got to exist somewhere, right?

[37:22] I mean, there are some Johnny Rockets, I guess.

[37:25] Oh, they're singing restaurants, for sure.

[37:25] Yeah.

[37:26] uh and so because that's exactly what you want while you're eating is someone singing in your

[37:30] face about the food i don't even want people like that close to me singing when i go see a musical

[37:36] i don't like it when they go in the audience i don't want to hate that restaurant not a fan i

[37:41] want to sit in the darkness and be an observer that doesn't exist in the reality of the play

[37:45] so anyway you don't ever think like maybe it's time for me to be on stage i'm on the side like

[37:52] me i will say the one time i liked that was when i went to see david cromer's production of our

[37:56] town at the barrow street theater where uh there were a couple of seats were on stage and they

[38:00] gave you one line on a card that you were supposed to say when they when they told you to do it and

[38:05] i was like oh okay i like this that was a surprise i didn't think it was going to happen but it was

[38:08] i didn't have to i didn't have to react in the moment to a performer trying to embarrass me in

[38:13] front of the audience like i didn't have to dance and pretend i was having a good time or that i

[38:17] pretend i was hypnotized or something so anyway david cronenberg's protection of our town david

[38:22] The current of construction of our town.

[38:24] There's no props, so you have to imagine all the human viscera.

[38:27] Something that looks like a bone that you stick into your butt.

[38:32] I don't know.

[38:32] Down at Grover's Corners, we've got the newspaper and we've got the school.

[38:37] And, of course, we've got the cars.

[38:40] People crash into each other so they can have sex with each other.

[38:43] We've got that sort of umbilical sack that people just use as a swing.

[38:48] Well, it's called an arcade, but, oh, it doesn't look like any video games I've ever seen.

[38:53] Now, I want to go back and experience one day of my life, the day I put a videotape in my belly.

[38:59] So anyway, they say, we're not going to leave our party.

[39:06] Instead, we're going to have the party on a boat.

[39:07] And Lynette, for some reason, dresses up as Cleopatra and just has a laugh, pretending to be Cleopatra.

[39:13] Just for like a second.

[39:14] She does like a full wig and everything.

[39:16] And in the next shot, she's like, fine.

[39:18] And she's like, complete outfit done.

[39:21] Yeah, and she's also playing Cleopatra

[39:23] if Cleopatra was 15 feet tall,

[39:24] which is another funny choice.

[39:26] That she has to get up a scaffolding

[39:28] with this long, long gown.

[39:30] Anyway, they all go to big steamer ship.

[39:32] This is when the wealth porn really kicks in

[39:33] because it feels like for like 20 minutes,

[39:36] it's just watching the guests enjoy themselves

[39:38] as Lynette's French assistant leaves

[39:41] to go get the luggage.

[39:42] And we hear kind of, you know,

[39:45] 30s bluesy type music playing.

[39:48] And it just goes on for a long time, watching them play shuffleboard and dance and eat fancy food.

[39:52] Anyway, Poirot, we see him looking at a picture of his fiancée, Catherine.

[39:57] We know that they're not married because he's sad all the time.

[40:01] And he's been brought on the trip ostensibly because Lynette doesn't feel safe on the boat.

[40:06] She doesn't trust her other guests.

[40:08] So she needs someone to protect her.

[40:09] Why not a kind of effete Belgian man with a big mustache who has up to this point, I guess he saved her from a snake.

[40:15] So he's the only one she can trust.

[40:17] I feel like his skill set is based more on after the effect, though, right?

[40:21] Yes, he's much more about solving the crimes that happen.

[40:24] He's not the future police from Minority Report that can go in and stop the crime before it's committed.

[40:28] He's very much more of a traditional detective who needs something to happen.

[40:32] A lot of Minority Report content in this episode. I like it.

[40:35] You know what? It's just the time. It's having revival.

[40:38] We're living in the age of Minority Report.

[40:40] Talking about Max von Sydow, Colin Farrell, Tommy C., you know, the whole gang.

[40:46] Peter Strohmeyer.

[40:47] The whole gang.

[40:47] The whole gang getting your eyes swapped out,

[40:50] even though it doesn't really matter

[40:51] because you have to bring your old eyes with you.

[40:53] It's a pretty Cronenberg thing.

[40:54] Yeah.

[40:55] They're like, hey, we're putting these new eyes in you.

[40:59] Don't take your blindfold off for 24 hours.

[41:01] And he does it anyway.

[41:02] There are no bad effects whatsoever.

[41:03] It's totally unnecessary.

[41:04] What a picture.

[41:05] I love it.

[41:05] Anyway, Steven Spielberg, he makes them.

[41:08] Anyway.

[41:08] I mean, it's like the sort of thing where they're like,

[41:10] don't, if you're taking these pills,

[41:12] don't take it with alcohol.

[41:13] And you're like, what's going to happen?

[41:14] Am I going to turn into a fucking gremlin?

[41:16] And they're like, I don't know.

[41:18] And you look on the bottle and it says, side effects, gremlinism.

[41:22] And you're like, ooh.

[41:23] Well, that's when you get Hulk Hogan, your fantastic voyage, fantastic journey.

[41:30] So he can go into your body.

[41:32] Let him into your body.

[41:33] Beats up all those little gremlinites.

[41:35] Yeah.

[41:36] It's a fantastic voyage.

[41:38] You're right.

[41:38] You're trying to explain to him, you're like, it's kind of like outer space, but it's inside a body.

[41:42] He's like, so it's like inner space, brother?

[41:44] And you're like, yeah, I guess.

[41:46] It's a little bit, but not as, like, goofy.

[41:48] The movie, I was the kid that when the song Fantastic Voyage,

[41:53] the Coolio song came out, I was like,

[41:55] what does this have to do with getting shrunk down

[41:57] and being injected into somebody's body?

[41:59] There's nothing about this about being shrunk.

[42:01] So meanwhile, Andrew brings Lynette a contract to sign,

[42:05] and she starts to read the contract, and Simon's like,

[42:07] oh, just sign it so we can go bang.

[42:09] And Rosalie is like, uh-uh.

[42:13] lynette i knew always read every contract that was put in front of her and i hope that was not

[42:18] a racist impression i apologize and uh just generally southern which is what she was which

[42:23] is what she is but watch yourself counselor i'll be on my best behavior i'm sorry and uh and andrew

[42:28] takes the contracts away and is like i'll give them to you another time when you're paying less

[42:32] attention to them it is so everything about is so shady and yeah i'll bring it another time when

[42:37] i'm less suspicious and book reveals to poirot that he's in love with rosalie otterborn but her

[42:42] mother doesn't approve and this is one of those things the reason her mother doesn't approve is

[42:47] it's basically that she's like a singer she's an or she's in an entertainment family and rosalie

[42:53] and salome are both black they're played by black actresses and it's a very weird movie that brings

[42:58] up i don't want you to marry this woman and she's played by an actress who's black and the character

[43:02] is black but the fact that she's black doesn't ever seem to be part of annette benning's uh

[43:07] problem with it and it's almost like the movie wants to be diverse but it doesn't want to

[43:11] actually confront what that would mean at the time in the 1930s yes and look there are situations

[43:17] where colorblind cat casting just absolutely doesn't need to address it cats don't have to

[43:23] address it because colorblind cats can't see color with their cats but it it is an interesting

[43:27] problem that sometimes gets brought up the way that they're being treated in yeah this time in

[43:33] reality like it's not i would rather have the colorblind casting than not but it also brings

[43:39] up questions that the movie does not address there it's colorblind casting but the movie is not a

[43:44] if at that point just don't don't make the characters like southern blues musicians make

[43:50] them i was reading and apparently in the in the book it's like a british novelist and i think her

[43:55] niece and it's like at that point just have to be a british novelist but have it being played by

[43:59] black actresses and that way the who it's or go the other way and actually grapple with the issue

[44:06] at least give lip service to the reality of what those of what people were like at the time in the

[44:11] way that they related to each other you know because that's the problem it feels like it's

[44:14] it's whitewashing history in a weird way like not whitewashing racially but like whitewashing in

[44:19] terms of like trying to pretend that people did not hold uh bigoted i mean like not that they

[44:26] don't still hold bigoted views but like it wasn't it was like an entirely different world like and

[44:32] It was a whole new world, and not in the good Aladdin way.

[44:34] To not acknowledge that truth.

[44:37] The movie is writing checks that it's not smart enough to cash.

[44:40] Let's put it that way.

[44:41] Yeah, that's a fair way to put it.

[44:43] And it ties into Top Gun, the hit film that's around now, right?

[44:49] Yeah, Maverick.

[44:50] Just crossed the one billion mark, baby.

[44:52] That's amazing.

[44:54] Anyway, I haven't seen it yet.

[44:56] I don't know if I'm going to.

[44:57] I've seen it.

[45:00] You know, similar to this movie that puts a lot of stock in mustaches,

[45:04] well, one mustache, worn by Miles Teller.

[45:07] And I have to say, if you're going to get all up in arms and excited about a mustache

[45:11] in a movie starring Tom Cruise,

[45:13] I don't know why people didn't go bonkers for Henry Cavill's mustache

[45:16] in the Mission Impossible movie.

[45:18] What a great mustache.

[45:18] A veritable, amazing mustache that I would live and die on.

[45:22] I've been on the record on the flop house the same.

[45:24] You would die on that mustache?

[45:25] Yeah, skewer me upon the bristles of this beautiful mustache.

[45:28] What a dream.

[45:29] What a fantasy to die on that beautiful mustache.

[45:31] I've been on the record on this very podcast as saying,

[45:34] when they said they had to use computers to erase Henry Cavill's mustache for Justice League

[45:38] because he refused to shave it, I was like, that seems ridiculous.

[45:41] And then I saw that mustache at work in Mission Impossible.

[45:43] I said, no, correct choice.

[45:45] If anything, Superman should have had a mustache, too.

[45:48] Yeah.

[45:49] That would have been great.

[45:50] I thought he was supposed to be fucking super.

[45:55] If he just switched back and forth from no mustache to mustache within a scene,

[45:59] I'd be like, yeah, he's fucking Superman.

[46:00] He's Superman, whatever.

[46:01] He's using superpowers.

[46:02] He's got super mustache.

[46:04] He's got super follicle growth.

[46:05] The rays of Earth's yellow sun allow him to grow his mustache at will, duh.

[46:09] And to shave it through his mind.

[46:12] Yeah, he has to shave it by, what is it,

[46:14] using a reflective surface to bounce his eye lasers back on himself.

[46:19] That's the only way he can shave is by reflecting his heat vision.

[46:24] easily fixed in post.

[46:25] Yeah.

[46:26] So they all go visit Abu Simbel

[46:29] with, you know, the ruins there.

[46:30] And Bok's mom is like,

[46:33] where's my red paint?

[46:34] Which, of course,

[46:35] is going to be a clue later.

[46:36] And she tells Bok

[46:37] she's not going to give her blessing

[46:38] for him to be married.

[46:39] And Bok says,

[46:40] well, I'm going to go public anyway.

[46:41] It's Bok.

[46:42] His name's Bok, not Bok.

[46:44] Bok, sorry.

[46:44] Sorry, Bok.

[46:45] Actually, he calls him Bok

[46:47] in the movie,

[46:48] and I didn't know how to pronounce it.

[46:48] But anyway, Bok?

[46:49] Also, apparently it's Gal Gadot,

[46:52] which seems wrong, but it's not.

[46:56] That's how she says it.

[46:57] I'll pronounce it how she says it.

[46:59] But that's like, oh, there's another one like that.

[47:01] Like the way that Stephen Colbert,

[47:04] the rest of his family calls it Stephen Colbert.

[47:05] That's how traditionally his name is pronounced.

[47:08] But anyway, so Gal Gadot and the others,

[47:11] they're there.

[47:12] Perrault kind of flirts with Salome,

[47:14] the blues singing aunt, a little bit,

[47:16] and then talks about his retirement gardening plans.

[47:19] Lynette and Simon

[47:21] are about to have sex on top of the

[47:23] Abu Sindel Monument, which is

[47:25] ridiculous. Also because they're in plain

[47:27] view of everyone.

[47:28] Don't get me wrong,

[47:31] I'm a fucking A-plus horny boy, but

[47:33] let's find some place

[47:35] private for our sex

[47:37] on the front face of this

[47:39] monument.

[47:40] You know what really turns me on is committing a

[47:43] cultural hate crime by defiling

[47:46] this UNESCO site

[47:47] with your jizz that's what i really want to have happen the constant fear that i will slip on this

[47:53] dust off this rock love him yeah you guys don't understand true passion maybe you need to watch

[48:00] a little movie called crash i guess so lynette lynette is like i don't know and simon is like

[48:05] you know i can't get hard unless there's the risk of a mummy putting a curse on us that's the thing

[48:10] uh so i thought that was what the death was gonna be and never once in the movie is it brought up

[48:15] the idea that they were cursed

[48:16] by defiling the site,

[48:17] which should have been

[48:18] what the movie was about.

[48:19] Yeah.

[48:19] And so it should have turned out

[48:21] that the Perot was wrong

[48:22] and it's an ancient Egyptian ghost.

[48:23] But anyway,

[48:24] a rock falls

[48:25] and narrowly misses hitting them

[48:26] and that's when a sandstorm

[48:27] forces everyone inside

[48:28] and Simon suspects foul play.

[48:31] And I mean,

[48:33] he kind of asked for it.

[48:34] They're about to do it

[48:35] on top of a cultural heritage monument.

[48:37] But anyway,

[48:38] they go back to the steamer.

[48:39] I mean, they're married, dude.

[48:40] They can pipe down

[48:41] wherever they want.

[48:41] Yeah.

[48:42] I guess that's true.

[48:43] That's the law.

[48:44] That's the rule.

[48:44] That's the rules, baby.

[48:46] Yeah, at a preschool, a McDonald's play space, during a funeral, you know, anywhere.

[48:51] If you're married, you can do it.

[48:52] Wow, you're pretty good at coming up with those scenarios, Elliot.

[48:54] Maybe you should get a job working for Brazzers.

[48:59] I think that would be a huge step down in my career.

[49:02] Idea man.

[49:04] Elliot, we just need you to generate 50 locations that sex could be had.

[49:10] The only reason I would do that is that if they ever didn't like an idea of mine,

[49:15] I'd go, oh, how many Emmys has Brazzers won so far?

[49:18] Zero? Because I have four.

[49:20] How many Writers Guild Awards does Brazzers have?

[49:24] By the way, this has got to be a Guild-approved production now that I'm working on it.

[49:27] How many Peabody's does Brazzers have?

[49:30] Tell me, Bill Brazzers.

[49:31] I assume that's the owner of the company.

[49:34] And they're like, you're right, you're right, we'll go with you.

[49:37] And that's why there's suddenly so many more Brazzers videos that are based on, like, Italo Calvino books, or, like, set in the Elric world.

[49:44] I mean, I think Johnny Sins could pull it off.

[49:47] I mean, he's been, like, a doctor, a fireman, a horny policeman.

[49:51] It's like, well, I'm here with my stepmom in the Star Wars universe.

[50:00] What's going to happen next?

[50:01] Anyway, there's only one room for the both of us on the Death Star.

[50:07] I don't know what's going to happen.

[50:08] Anyway, so they go back to the boat, and Jackie is already there.

[50:13] Lynette's like, throw her off.

[50:14] And Simon is like, she bought a ticket.

[50:17] We can't.

[50:18] But I thought they had rented out the boat.

[50:20] Yeah, I asked Audrey this, too.

[50:22] I'm like, I thought that she made a big deal about buying the boat out.

[50:27] It's the same scene where she, you know, like the trailer,

[50:30] add enough champagne to fill the Nile.

[50:33] But apparently, she had bought the boat out to a certain stop, and then, like, she joined.

[50:41] So, yeah, the stalker joins later.

[50:45] That's Pennywise and ex-fiancé foolish.

[50:48] That's the problem.

[50:49] So, Lynette and Simon, they tell Perrault they're going to go home now.

[50:52] Perrault has some champagne to celebrate their leaving, and he starts feeling sick.

[50:55] And Jackie tells Perrault, I still love Simon, and he loved me once, and love doesn't go away.

[51:02] And Thoreau says, I was in love once, and I lost the woman I loved to an attack during the war.

[51:06] She was coming to visit me, and her train was bombed, and that loss turned me into the man I am now.

[51:12] So perhaps losing you is what it takes to turn—well, losing Simon is what it takes to put your life on the right track.

[51:18] And by the way, this is one of the—look, again, I don't know, man.

[51:23] A better movie, do what you want with the characters, but I found it very irritating in this movie

[51:28] that they felt like they needed to add this haunted backstory to Poirot

[51:34] and make a big deal about how he's a lonely man

[51:37] who wears a mask and all this stuff.

[51:40] Where it's just like, you know, the detectives that we remember,

[51:45] they're just that thing.

[51:48] They're this broadly drawn character that is super smart,

[51:52] cares about the truth,

[51:53] and then has a couple of lovable eccentricities.

[51:56] And we don't care whether they change over time.

[51:58] Like, we don't want them to.

[51:59] Like, the scenario changes around them, you know?

[52:02] I want to see him bumble around

[52:03] and then talk about how there's, like,

[52:06] a hole in the donut, like a donut hole.

[52:08] Exactly.

[52:08] Like, give me a monologue like that.

[52:09] That's what I want.

[52:10] Something about donuts.

[52:10] I feel like, I gotta say...

[52:13] There's not enough donut talk this week.

[52:15] It should be called Donuts on the Nile.

[52:16] As somebody, like, I'm not big into mystery fiction,

[52:21] so, like, I kept thinking back to Knives Out,

[52:25] which is, you know, kind of built on the same thing.

[52:28] and i feel like that movie spent so much like it spent time with the characters and established

[52:35] very simple like motives without having somebody constantly telling you that shit like i don't know

[52:41] like all obviously none of the characters matter uh they're all invented they all exist in this cgi

[52:47] uh glossy universe but um like it just like nothing like nothing matters but then they're

[52:54] they try and make you give a shit and i'm like that that doesn't work at all like i don't know

[52:59] considering they spend so much screen time showing you how fun it is to be rich in 1937 and and be on

[53:04] the nile and so little screen time yeah making you understand or care about any of the characters and

[53:09] and it's like um it kept reminding me of the the recent version of taylor soldier say uh tinker

[53:15] taylor uh soldier spy yeah i couldn't remember the order where uh where it was like obviously

[53:21] Colin Firth, spoiler alert, is the mole because he's the biggest name in the cast other than Gary

[53:25] Oldman. And it was kind of similar here where it was like, none of these people are kind of,

[53:30] none of them are of the same stature as the other characters in terms of screen time,

[53:35] in terms of the force that they're allowed to show on screen.

[53:39] In terms of convincing motive.

[53:40] Yes, in terms of, well, that the ultimate killer has the most obvious motive of all of them. When

[53:45] it's like, yeah, yeah, probably your aunt who pretends to be a socialist killed you for money

[53:50] or something i don't know or like you know what kenneth brana the character who is clearly who

[53:55] is the milksop who's the weakling clearly he did it because he's he's jealous of losing his fiance

[54:00] like all these characters that there's no reason to suspect them well but also yeah like not giving

[54:05] them enough to to like sink their teeth into like this movie tries to distract you with cgi

[54:12] uh egypt and cgi snakes but it's like the whole point of making a movie like this is like all

[54:19] right if you're gonna make an old-fashioned star studded whodunit then like do that like get

[54:25] interesting stars and then focus like give them really hammy meaty roles to play this movie feels

[54:32] like it's constantly cutting away from like one uninteresting thing to a less interesting thing

[54:37] yeah and this movie has stars like there's a lot of names in this cast there's a lot of i mean you

[54:43] could there's a lot of people you could give real stuff to and like the end really skilled and great

[54:48] actors but i'm not a huge again murder mysteries are not my favorite type of thing usually and i

[54:53] don't love the original certainly not in real life in real life i don't like them at all uh i'm not

[54:58] a fan of murder at all in real life uh but uh in the original murder the original murder of the

[55:03] orient express ingrid bergman's in it at playing this maid character she has essentially this one

[55:09] long monologue that she gives that won her an academy award for supporting actress because

[55:13] it's an amazing scene but she and other than that she's not given that much time otherwise but she's

[55:18] allowed that scene and it gives you just enough reason to wonder if she did it and so it's like

[55:23] you just give each of these characters like a moment where they get to shine in and of themselves

[55:26] as opposed to just set dressing for poor row to bumble around with and it would have made it a

[55:31] stronger mystery because i wouldn't have guessed who it was within the before the the mystery starts

[55:36] like it's the sweaty evil looking guy with the mustache the guy who's always sweaty and seems

[55:41] like a creep i guess it couldn't be him oh it is anyway willing to raw dog it on a fucking monument

[55:46] yeah who exactly who am i gonna suspect of murder the guy who's the guy who's about to have sex in

[55:52] front of all of his wedding guests on top of an egyptian ruin probably yeah uh so anyway uh

[55:59] they were about to get to the murder look yeah well sorry uh sure it goes lynette goes to bed

[56:06] after telling jackie she wishes they were still friends you're the she says you're the only one

[56:10] who never cared about my money.

[56:11] And Simon and Jackie have an argument

[56:13] and he's really mean to her

[56:14] and she shoots him in the knee.

[56:15] And she's about to shoot herself

[56:16] and Rosalie stops her

[56:17] and Book goes and gets the doctor

[56:19] and the nurse

[56:20] and they take her to another room

[56:22] and give her a sleeping draught.

[56:23] And the next morning,

[56:25] Louise, the maid,

[56:27] Lynette's assistant,

[56:28] finds Lynette dead in bed,

[56:30] shot very daintily.

[56:31] There's just kind of like a little hole

[56:33] with a little bit of blood

[56:33] spattered around it.

[56:34] And the maid's played by Rose Leslie,

[56:36] who was, what, Ygritte on Game of Thrones

[56:39] and she's also a time traveler's wife right now on HBO.

[56:43] Yes, right?

[56:43] Yeah, she's a time traveler's wife.

[56:46] Married to Jon Snow.

[56:47] The character?

[56:49] No, the actress married Kit Harington.

[56:54] Oh, I didn't realize it.

[56:55] So it was a real dream house situation.

[56:57] Yeah, that's good to know.

[56:58] Okay, I knew she had to be someone, but I didn't know.

[57:02] The funny thing, whenever I watch a movie with Audrey,

[57:04] she's always like, who's that?

[57:05] And she doesn't mean it in the old person way of like,

[57:09] They're asking who a character is, who the movie will explain in a second who that character is.

[57:14] And if they just wait, she means who's the actor.

[57:17] And it's a reasonable question to ask Dan McCoy, human IMDB.

[57:22] But oftentimes, I'm like, I don't know.

[57:24] Nine times out of ten, when I'm like, who's that?

[57:27] Charlene leans over and she's like, that's Chappie Stewart.

[57:29] Oh, that is Chappie.

[57:31] He's the name of the movie.

[57:32] I'm like, oh, okay, okay, okay.

[57:34] And we should especially note, because Rose Leslie, this is her second Flophouse appearance.

[57:37] she was also in the last witch hunter with one vincent diesel so oh baby which we covered years

[57:44] ago yeah so anyway uh lynette's dead we're halfway through the movie and we finally have our death on

[57:50] the nile the first of a couple jackie is the obvious suspect but she was asleep in a morphium

[57:54] haze all night and also the gun went missing after the killing simon is distraught very

[58:00] fakely and he pleads with perot to find the killer and also her necklace is missing this

[58:04] jeweled necklace i forgot really to mention but she has a fancy necklace uh poro investigates uh

[58:09] and the maid is like i was engaged once and lynette paid off my fiancee to leave because

[58:14] she didn't and uh and she said she was saving me from a man who only cared about money or whatever

[58:17] uh and everyone's cabins are searched for the necklace for a question is dr windersham right

[58:22] next to lynette's body in the meat locker of the ship and spent a lot of time in that meat locker

[58:26] uh which is kind of a hurt locker when dr windershins is there because he's hurting emotionally

[58:30] And each of these questionings, as we mentioned before, are more in the line of, like, he just, like, seems to pick someone at random and accuse them.

[58:37] And go, why'd you kill Lynette?

[58:38] They're like, I didn't.

[58:39] And he's like, okay.

[58:40] But they almost always give a speech that explains, it kind of makes you think why they would have done it.

[58:46] And then there's a little twist at the end where they're like, well, actually.

[58:50] Poirot is like, can I see, he says to Andrew, can I see the contracts you wanted her to sign?

[58:55] Which is not the right accent either.

[58:57] and he says

[58:59] and Andrew's like

[59:00] no

[59:00] and Poirot goes

[59:01] because the contracts

[59:02] would have given you

[59:02] control of her money

[59:03] and he's like

[59:04] how did you know

[59:05] and Poirot's like

[59:06] it's like

[59:07] I knew it

[59:08] and I'm not Poirot

[59:09] it was obvious

[59:11] but he says

[59:12] maybe you were stealing

[59:12] from her

[59:13] you killed her before

[59:14] she could see it

[59:15] and Andrew goes

[59:16] I carry

[59:16] he goes

[59:17] if I killed her

[59:18] I would have killed her

[59:19] with this gun

[59:19] and pulls out

[59:20] a different gun

[59:20] which is wild

[59:21] it's not a good

[59:23] explanation

[59:23] it's not a good argument

[59:24] hey I couldn't have

[59:25] killed her with that gun

[59:26] because I kill people with this gun.

[59:28] A gun not like me?

[59:30] Murderer?

[59:31] No, no, no.

[59:32] Or you're like,

[59:34] that can't be my signature.

[59:35] I use this pen.

[59:36] Well, you could have used another pen.

[59:38] Poirot, he deduces that the nurse made...

[59:41] I got the impression

[59:41] that he pulled out the gun

[59:42] in a way to also kind of

[59:44] end the conversation

[59:45] and be like,

[59:46] let's stop this line of questioning

[59:48] because I have a gun.

[59:49] How'd you like to grow a mustache

[59:50] over the other side of your face, buddy?

[59:52] It goes to both sides of the face.

[59:55] That's what a mustache does.

[59:55] Okay, well, I'll give you a scar that you'll have to grow a beard.

[59:57] I don't know.

[59:58] I'm trying to make a threat.

[59:58] Just stop talking to me.

[59:59] So he goes through all the other ones.

[1:00:02] Anyway, he deduces also very obviously that French and Saunders are lovers.

[1:00:06] They're not really a boss and nurse, but actually lovers and have been for a long time.

[1:00:11] Poirot being the hero, of course, embodies all 21st century progressive values, so this doesn't bother him whatsoever.

[1:00:18] And Jennifer Saunders has an American accent, but in real life, she has an English accent.

[1:00:24] Yes, thank you for pointing that out.

[1:00:26] I appreciate that.

[1:00:26] Add it to the big board.

[1:00:27] And eventually, we find out that Salome Otterborn carries a gun of the same caliber that killed Lynette.

[1:00:36] Anne Bancroft finds the missing necklace in her things, and Cuomo reveals...

[1:00:40] Annette Bening, right?

[1:00:42] That's what I said.

[1:00:42] Yeah, what did I say?

[1:00:43] You said Anne Bancroft.

[1:00:44] Oh, I said Annette.

[1:00:45] I'm sorry.

[1:00:46] I meant Annette Bening.

[1:00:46] He gets his A-Bs mixed up.

[1:00:49] Yeah, that makes sense.

[1:00:50] That makes sense.

[1:00:50] Annette Bening, Anne Bancroft, a bear.

[1:00:53] I get them all mixed up.

[1:00:54] and so and uh I can't tell the difference between Anne Bancroft and Alec Baldwin it's impossible

[1:01:02] yeah alien versus bedditor rb's roast with a little r beef with a big b aliens versus bedditor

[1:01:09] yeah aliens versus bett middler whoever wins we lose

[1:01:15] um so Poirot this is time for him to reveal to book and Rosalie that he was secretly

[1:01:24] hired by annette benning to investigate rosalie to see if she's fit for a book which is something

[1:01:30] that nothing before this moment has given us any reason to believe but that's fine and he's very

[1:01:35] flattering he says nothing but nice things about the otterborns uh but anne bancroft is like i

[1:01:39] still disapprove yeah i'm sorry why i literally wrote it wrong in my in my nose annette benning

[1:01:45] says sorry uh what are some other ab's we can compare hold on i don't know uh acbc i don't

[1:01:54] know let's let's acbc that's that's the caveman metal band yeah sure

[1:01:58] that song you shook me all night long before christ

[1:02:06] yeah and so i mean uh rosalie because i'm back in furs

[1:02:14] caveman is leticia writes characters rosalie is that the character name yes leticia writes

[1:02:21] characters yeah like she is look i know that i know that if you find out that someone has been

[1:02:27] spying on you you might be mad but i found it very strange the degree to which they had her

[1:02:33] character like chew out Poirot in a like very personal way when like he was he was incredibly

[1:02:40] like kind when talking to her and he was not the person who like Annette Bening is the one who like

[1:02:47] tried to set her up anyway I think you mean Anne Bancroft but I think the uh the is the I that's

[1:02:52] the one part that where the where the diversity casting worked for me where she's like I don't

[1:02:56] need your approval like that uh she is not just going to be like oh well you know what thank you

[1:03:00] saying that thing she's like i've gotten aware i am through my own work i know who i am and i've

[1:03:05] had to face my share of this is not what she says but it's implicit when she's saying my share of

[1:03:09] obstacles i don't need you to tell me i'm okay i know i'm good you like no there's certainly that

[1:03:14] part of it you know there's certainly that subtext that that adds uh a lot of flavor it's like the

[1:03:21] only part of the movie that has subtext so i was like greedily slurping it up you know but yeah i

[1:03:27] don't know the degree to which like there is then like a personal like i think you are a weird fussy

[1:03:32] stuffy yeah she does get a little she gets a little personal and then benning was the one

[1:03:37] who was like not approving he loves you anyway look yeah he is a weirdo but still anyway also

[1:03:43] he's not that weird i think they are they're all and they're all talking about the other version

[1:03:47] of para they've all seen yes they've all seen the other movies and they're like they're they're

[1:03:53] talking about poirot as if he's um like what's his name from the big bang theory you know as if he is

[1:03:59] if he's way on the spectrum and has trouble relating socially with other human beings

[1:04:02] which is not the case and it feels like the poirot the movie wants to give us is one that is like

[1:04:07] an eccentric man that doesn't interact well with people but he but he does he's he's super charming

[1:04:13] all the time so it's a very it's strange for her to talk about him like he's weird anyway yeah uh

[1:04:18] Anyway, all this argument is interrupted when they find the body of Louise, Lynette's maid or assistant or whatever, personal assistant.

[1:04:28] And Andrew accuses the doctor of doing it, and they fight while Poirot goes into a sort of detective fugue where everything gets hazy and he starts seeing clues.

[1:04:38] He enters his memory palace somehow.

[1:04:40] And her throat had been slashed and she'd been thrown overboard and had gotten caught in the wheels of the steamship.

[1:04:49] And that's how they found the body.

[1:04:50] Almost as bad as if she'd been thrown overboard and lost her memory and Kurt Russell finds her.

[1:04:55] And then he takes advantage of her, basically.

[1:04:58] Yeah, yeah.

[1:04:59] And so Poirot and Simon, they interrogate Book.

[1:05:03] And Poirot now spins the tale accusing Book of what was going on.

[1:05:08] and uh and he says that's crazy but i will admit i did find lynette's dead body because i stole the

[1:05:14] necklace and i witnessed louise's murder but i don't want it to all come out uh and he admits

[1:05:20] that uh before he and he goes but if i admit it what's going to happen and poor goes you'll go to

[1:05:24] jail for theft and he's like oh well the killer was and he gets shot from someone far away and

[1:05:30] chases the killer and somehow loses them even though he seems to be two inches behind this

[1:05:35] killer it's basically it's basically a scream movie at this point it's also like let's let's

[1:05:42] drag out this interrogation for the longest possible amount of time before he actually says

[1:05:47] you're the killers and like and poirot's like let me say the thing that will make you not want to

[1:05:52] tell me who did it like even if you're gonna like later on be like i don't know maybe you

[1:05:58] gotta turn yourself in to like if you're gonna give evidence or whatever like that's not what

[1:06:03] you're dwelling on right at that moment if you had built him up as a as someone who is

[1:06:07] it constitutionally incapable of not following rules of some kind like that the law is ironclad

[1:06:13] for him and like if you spent less time trying to explain that he has he's a wounded soul who

[1:06:17] doesn't trust love and uh and doesn't feel comfortable loving and instead built him up as

[1:06:21] a man who lives by kind of rules and logic and rationality and so he can't help himself with

[1:06:26] saying look you're my friend you can help me with this mystery but if you stole something you have

[1:06:30] to go to jail but still help me well especially it doesn't make sense considering that you know

[1:06:34] to jump way ahead later on as they're leaving the boat the guy who was like stealing money from

[1:06:40] gal gadot or what like he's like are you going to turn me and he's like not as long as you return it

[1:06:45] everything's fine like it's like okay you're gonna make that exception for this random guy who was

[1:06:50] actually stealing money but you could say that you could say it's because he's learned the lesson of

[1:06:56] that that his friend has died and so it's like possibly but that is not a connection it's a

[1:07:00] strange it's a strange uh lesson to learn but anyway poirot he finally does it he assembles

[1:07:06] everyone in one room this is what we've been waiting for the whole time uh he has a gun in

[1:07:10] his hand which he doesn't really do anything with thankfully uh and he gets andrew to admit that

[1:07:14] andrew was the one who tried to kill them with those rocks again another crime andrew probably

[1:07:18] should have to pay for his attempted murder with a huge boulder yeah i mean not to mention not to

[1:07:23] I mentioned the unconscionable bro crime

[1:07:26] of coitus interruptus.

[1:07:27] But Stuart, what were you going to say?

[1:07:30] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:07:31] He's on trial for being a boner killer.

[1:07:33] Yeah, he goes, you, Andrew,

[1:07:35] I find you guilty of cock blocking.

[1:07:37] This is a very serious crime in France,

[1:07:40] which is not where I am from.

[1:07:41] I am from Belgium.

[1:07:42] And he reveals that eventually

[1:07:46] he gets around to revealing the most obvious thing

[1:07:49] that it was Simon who killed Lynette

[1:07:51] and Jackie killed the others.

[1:07:53] But we got shot in the leg.

[1:07:55] It was all an elaborate plot involving a fake bullet and then a real gunshot afterwards.

[1:08:00] Staged fight to provide Jackie and him with alibis.

[1:08:04] Airtight alibis.

[1:08:06] And they had been working together since the start.

[1:08:09] It was their plan for Simon to seduce Gal Gadot so that they could then kill her and steal her money.

[1:08:15] By far the most obvious solution the movie could have provided.

[1:08:20] It is the most obvious thing.

[1:08:22] And now that they're caught, they have one final hug

[1:08:24] and Jackie shoots one bullet through both of them.

[1:08:26] So wait, there was a moment of, okay,

[1:08:29] so the final moment where she's like,

[1:08:31] but you have no proof.

[1:08:32] And he walks over and he picks up,

[1:08:35] he says the proof is the handkerchief,

[1:08:37] which Armie Hammer had used to muffle the sound

[1:08:41] of the gunshot when he shot himself in the leg.

[1:08:44] Had been tossed overboard

[1:08:46] and was found dredged out of the Nile.

[1:08:49] Tossed overboard, the handkerchief lost its memory.

[1:08:51] kurt russell found it took advantage of it yeah all that and so and poirot says that blood if left

[1:08:58] in the water becomes brown but this paint becomes pink and he reveals the handkerchief which is pink

[1:09:04] which doesn't make sense to me because didn't he use the handkerchief to muffle the gunshot to his

[1:09:09] leg yeah i think well or maybe well yeah i don't remember blood right unless he bleeds paint which

[1:09:20] is possible did he use that because i think what it is partly is that he used the handkerchief

[1:09:25] to staunch the bleeding no first place maybe and so he did he did use it as part of his

[1:09:32] fake thing with paint but stewart is correct also that there was like a thing about a handkerchief

[1:09:38] muffling the gun i don't know because he had the handkerchief different one i don't know

[1:09:43] he had he had stolen the handkerchief and then he hid it earlier and he pulled it out when he

[1:09:48] shot himself in the leg yeah i'm just gonna say it's like that wayside school story where the kid

[1:09:54] counts wrong but he always gets to the right answer they're like what's three plus five and

[1:09:58] he's like three plus five one two eight nine seven six twelve eight and like okay we got to the right

[1:10:03] answer but you used faulty faulty math i think it's the same thing with uh with this as long as

[1:10:08] poro got to the exact right answer that everyone on the boat yeah and only five people had to die

[1:10:14] If they had pressed him on it, they might not have had to kill themselves.

[1:10:17] That's true.

[1:10:18] That's a fair point.

[1:10:19] That's the other thing.

[1:10:20] They just, like, wait there for a long time.

[1:10:22] Like, no one tries to take the gun away from Jackie.

[1:10:25] They don't try to escape or anything like that.

[1:10:27] And Poirot doesn't have, like, jurisdiction to arrest them.

[1:10:31] Like, it's also one of those things where it's like, they're killing this person.

[1:10:36] They're killing that one.

[1:10:37] Kill Poirot.

[1:10:38] Like, kill the guy who you think might solve the mystery.

[1:10:41] Like, and no one cares about him.

[1:10:44] He doesn't have a, you know, like, it's not like anyone on the boat is like, now I'm going to pick up the mantle of being the great detective.

[1:10:48] Who could it be?

[1:10:50] Who had a motive to kill Poirot, the murderer?

[1:10:53] Now I must solve who the murderer is, and then I will know who killed Poirot.

[1:10:56] So you're saying when Jackie used that tiny little .22 to snipe a book in the throat, silencing him, she should have just shot Poirot instead.

[1:11:04] Since the other person in the room was the person she was plotting with and knew who the killer was also?

[1:11:10] Yes, exactly.

[1:11:12] He should have shot Perrault and then maybe shot Book, too.

[1:11:14] I don't know.

[1:11:15] Or not, because at that point, Book doesn't have to worry about going to jail.

[1:11:18] Yeah.

[1:11:19] That's true.

[1:11:20] And he's terrified that he might also get shot.

[1:11:22] This is just advice from me.

[1:11:24] Again, I don't approve of murder in real life.

[1:11:25] But if you are a character in a murder mystery and the detective is on your trail, kill the detective.

[1:11:30] Like, that's, I don't know why, you're not solving the problem by killing the witnesses that could tell the detective about it.

[1:11:36] Maybe kill them later.

[1:11:37] But the detective is your immediate threat.

[1:11:39] So just go after him.

[1:11:40] Yeah.

[1:11:41] Oh, boy.

[1:11:41] Although, again, he certainly does not seem to be working with great speed since three characters die before he uncovers the killers, who then kill themselves.

[1:11:54] So I guess case closed.

[1:11:57] Good job.

[1:11:57] But you know that Faro, then later he goes, he should have gone, yes, technically, I figured it out before they killed themselves.

[1:12:06] So that goes into the fin pile.

[1:12:08] It's a win.

[1:12:09] Technically, technical win.

[1:12:11] Should have been called Deaths on the Nile.

[1:12:14] Yeah, yeah.

[1:12:15] And everyone gets off the boat the next day, and they're all super gloomy.

[1:12:20] And Poirot, he can't bring himself to ask Salome out.

[1:12:24] It seems like awkward timing.

[1:12:25] But six months later, we see him at the club watching her rehearse,

[1:12:29] and he doesn't have a mustache anymore.

[1:12:31] Oh, maybe he is ready to interface with the world and reveal himself

[1:12:36] and no longer hide behind his questionable gifts as a deducer

[1:12:40] and his hair on his face truly a life-changing adventure for hercule poirot for the flop house

[1:12:47] it's a kind of postscript to a movie where you're like what i guess i guess this movie

[1:12:55] is like required by law to have some sort of character arc so yeah two hours long nobody

[1:13:02] gives a shit cut that shit out yeah it's nuts just cut it down we all we care about is the

[1:13:07] mystery once it's over we don't care anymore as long i'm just glad they didn't start it with they

[1:13:11] didn't have and i didn't check the credits to see if there's a post-credit scene or anything

[1:13:14] that they didn't then like bring in another character at the end to bring him into a new

[1:13:18] mystery and have him look at the camera and go oh here we go again you know i'm glad they didn't do

[1:13:22] that yeah uh okay well let's uh do our final judgments whether this is plural guess what

[1:13:29] now there's none you're saying and then there were none yes i gotta go investigate i know that's not

[1:13:34] a Poirot book, but what are you going to do? It's

[1:13:36] the Agatha Christie-verse.

[1:13:37] The cat who solved

[1:13:40] mysteries? No, that's a different

[1:13:42] author. Or that he's sitting at the table

[1:13:44] and an old woman comes up and she's like, it's nice to meet

[1:13:46] you. I've always wanted to meet you, Poirot. They call me

[1:13:48] Marple. Bum, bum, bum.

[1:13:50] Like, don't do

[1:13:52] that in movies. Okay, so let's do Final Judgments.

[1:13:54] We talked a lot about Death on the Nile.

[1:13:55] Yeah, whether this is a good, bad movie,

[1:13:58] a bad, bad movie, a movie you kind

[1:14:00] of like.

[1:14:01] Here's the thing.

[1:14:03] like whatever this you know whatever you really you really you're really breaking kayfabe on us

[1:14:11] here well like yeah i if you here's the thing like here's the tough thing about this because

[1:14:17] if you like this kind of movie this is gonna be acceptable for you like you get you get like uh

[1:14:26] not i don't know like not not a pure high this has been cut with a lot of other stuff it's not

[1:14:32] it's not going to give you give you what you want but it's you know it's it's got some of the

[1:14:37] elements but it's kind of baffling to me that anyone who likes this kind of thing would want

[1:14:43] this version of this when they're much better versions like i i didn't mind it like i kind of

[1:14:51] you know at an earlier time in my life when i was on like a summer vacation and was just lying on

[1:15:00] the couch if this came on i wouldn't be mad but it's not much of a movie what do you guys have to

[1:15:05] say yeah i think i think that's that's uh that makes a lot of sense like it's almost like if you

[1:15:12] if you're a fan of this thing it's almost like you're a fan of hamburgers right and you're driving

[1:15:16] down i-95 and you're like i could really go for a hamburger right now and you pull in uh and you

[1:15:23] go to a roy rogers and you get uh you get food that is technically a hamburger so i guess you're

[1:15:29] not wrong but it's not really the best version of that thing but i guess it's all you got right

[1:15:36] now so you might as well enjoy your fucking roy rogers hamburger you maniac uh wow wow yeah i mean

[1:15:45] i i've i'm i'm i grew up on roy rogers fried chicken so i'll just ignore uh stewart's roy

[1:15:50] rogers slander although their hammer they know their other products are not great but uh yeah

[1:15:54] it's like this movie is not terrible it's perfectly passable and decent but the amount

[1:15:59] of talent involved and the resources involved you want it you wish that there was just like

[1:16:03] something more to it than just kind of like a pretty humdrum easy to guess mystery that doesn't

[1:16:09] doesn't go anywhere and doesn't there's no spark to it there's no life or joy to it you know and

[1:16:14] you're constantly watching characters dancing to upbeat music or being rich but there's no there's

[1:16:19] no fun to it and as i said to my wife when i finished watching it i'm gonna watch a murder

[1:16:23] mystery i want to have some fun in it like life is bleak enough i don't need to watch a movie

[1:16:28] where someone's murdered and someone figures out who the other person is if there's not something

[1:16:32] fun or at the very least like exciting or or special about i feel like if you threw a murder

[1:16:37] mystery party in your apartment and had your friends come over you would get a at least as

[1:16:43] good of performances out of your friends yeah wow wow okay they should call this dinner what i'm

[1:16:50] saying you do have cool friends too well your friends are also all the you're friends with the

[1:16:55] worcester group so yeah hal luplin here with breaking news on a revolutionary form of entertainment

[1:17:01] professional wrestling for more we go to our correspondent danielle ranford professional

[1:17:08] wrestling is the craze that's sweeping the nation featuring fisticuffs and colorful costumes but

[1:17:14] who can help us make sense of this world of body slams lindsey kelk has the answer sources tell us

[1:17:20] of an amazing podcast called tides and fights filled with discussions of the absurdity of

[1:17:25] professional wrestling plus all the sincerity and hilarity that you could shake a stick at

[1:17:30] listen to the tides and fights podcast every week find it on maximum fun

[1:17:36] or wherever you get your podcasts and your old-timey radio

[1:17:40] hey there i'm ellen weatherford and i'm christian weatherford and we've got big

[1:17:46] feelings about animals that we just got to share on just the zoo of us your new favorite animal

[1:17:53] review podcast we're here to critically evaluate how each animal excels and how it doesn't rating

[1:17:58] them out of 10 on their effectiveness ingenuity and aesthetics guest experts give you their takes

[1:18:04] informed by actual real life experiences studying and working with very cool animals like sharks

[1:18:10] cheetahs and sea turtles it's a field trip to the zoo for your ears so if you or your kids have ever

[1:18:16] wondered if a pigeon can count why sloths move so slow or how a spider sees the world find out

[1:18:22] with us every wednesday on just the zoo of us in its natural habitat on maximum fun.org listen and

[1:18:28] subscribe wherever you get your podcasts hey uh so this podcast the one you're listening to now

[1:18:37] is uh sponsored in large part by listeners like you uh overwhelmingly but we also have

[1:18:45] some uh sponsors who uh have businesses or services this time squarespace is happy to

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[1:19:56] That's that.

[1:19:59] Sounds great.

[1:19:59] I would tell our audience to do it.

[1:20:02] Yeah.

[1:20:03] Well, I did.

[1:20:04] Yeah, you just did that.

[1:20:05] I did do it.

[1:20:06] And I approve of that, yeah.

[1:20:07] Unlike Dan, I'd say go use that product.

[1:20:10] Hey, Elliot, do you want to quick reiterate about the live show, maybe?

[1:20:15] You got it.

[1:20:16] For anyone who didn't remember what I said earlier,

[1:20:18] that we're doing a live show.

[1:20:19] It's our first live show in about two years.

[1:20:21] That's right.

[1:20:21] We haven't performed in front of a live audience in two years,

[1:20:23] and you get to be there for it if you're in the Brooklyn area.

[1:20:25] That's August 7th, Sunday, August 7th, at the Bell House in Brooklyn.

[1:20:30] You know it, our old stomping grounds.

[1:20:31] It's a great venue.

[1:20:32] We love being there.

[1:20:33] We've had so many fun shows there, and we're so looking forward to this show.

[1:20:36] We're going to be talking about Morbius.

[1:20:38] We're Morb-ing it up over at the Morb House at the Bell House.

[1:20:41] And it's going to be super fun.

[1:20:43] So for tickets, just go to thebellhouseny.com

[1:20:47] and look up August 7th on their calendar for the Flophouse.

[1:20:51] That's going to be Sunday, August 7th at 7.30 p.m. at the Bell House in Brooklyn,

[1:20:55] talking Morbius along with all other sorts of fun Flophouse stuff.

[1:20:59] And remember, this is your chance to be in the Flophouse

[1:21:02] because we do a live Q&A during the show

[1:21:05] where people get up and ask questions you got a question comment down to brooklyn and ask us and

[1:21:09] we'll do our best to answer it but we'll probably do a lot of like hmm beforehand so that's the

[1:21:15] flop house talking morbius at the bell house august 7th remember you can't spell us without

[1:21:21] morbius wait uh you can't spell morbius without us hey there's no i in morbius dan oh wait a second

[1:21:30] hold on if you want more bs come to more bs now you got it okay good that was good work shopping

[1:21:39] yeah yeah hey uh we also get letters why don't we talk about some of those hey why not let's go

[1:21:46] crazy let's go nuts uh this one i can't i i i can't find who's i'm sorry i'm really sorry

[1:21:53] okay i guess elliot and i'll vamp so uh what's new with your kids no no no i looked for it i

[1:21:59] cannot find it that's why i'm um but this is what's called an unforced error where a letter

[1:22:04] that nobody knew about ahead of time can't be found yeah uh no no i have the letter i'm saying

[1:22:09] i can't find the name of the person who sent it oh it's not it's not on the letter i i don't need

[1:22:16] to talk about my whole workflow to you i just don't have it anyway here we go on a recent road

[1:22:23] trip to the mountains my oldest kiddo mentioned how much she's grown to love the flop house theme

[1:22:29] it's not that she listens to you guys but rather because the flop house is my default podcast of

[1:22:34] choice when we're on a long trip and now that diddy has become the theme song to our family travels

[1:22:39] as the great american road trip is a fairly universal experience for many kids what was

[1:22:45] the song or songs that you most associated with those hot summer days spent in the backs of

[1:22:51] Overpacked Cars from Your Childhoods.

[1:22:53] Apologies for not having a movie question.

[1:22:55] That's fine.

[1:22:56] All the best.

[1:22:57] That's all right.

[1:22:57] Well, he mentioned the old summer days, Dan.

[1:23:00] Let's also not forget those summer nights.

[1:23:03] Oh, shit.

[1:23:05] Tell me more, tell me more about the songs you listen to in the car.

[1:23:10] Tell me more, tell me more about the songs you listen to driving far.

[1:23:14] Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

[1:23:17] Yeah.

[1:23:19] My parents had a best of Billy Joel that they played a lot while I was in the back listening to a weird conglomeration of early cassette tapes of mine.

[1:23:32] I had perhaps the oddest one was that I had the Nutcracker Suite and would love to listen to that a lot.

[1:23:42] I mean, it's not odd at all.

[1:23:43] It's beautiful music, Dan.

[1:23:44] No, but I mean, you don't think of kids being like, let me put in my Nutcracker Suite tape.

[1:23:49] That reminds me of, I mean, I do.

[1:23:51] I love the Nutcracker run as a kid, and we listen to it all the time.

[1:23:54] But that reminded me of my first year at the dramatic writing program at NYU.

[1:24:01] One of my fellow students, who I will not name, but he's a lovely person.

[1:24:04] The teacher was like, tell me some of your guilty pleasures.

[1:24:07] What kind of movies do you watch as guilty pleasures?

[1:24:09] And he was like, well, I love Five Easy Pieces.

[1:24:11] And it was like, well, I don't think you understood the question, sir.

[1:24:14] Yeah.

[1:24:14] No, he's a good guy.

[1:24:16] I also had a couple other ones I had early on,

[1:24:20] early cassettes of mine were the B-52s,

[1:24:23] not one of their early better-known ones.

[1:24:26] I had Good Stuff, sort of their last gasp

[1:24:30] of having an MTV hit.

[1:24:31] And I had the Wayne's World soundtrack.

[1:24:34] Whoa.

[1:24:35] Does that make me cooler, Stuart?

[1:24:38] A lot of metal songs and the Wayne's World soundtrack.

[1:24:39] No, you're super cool.

[1:24:40] Yeah, you're the coolest dude in the world.

[1:24:41] Hey, guys.

[1:24:42] Hey, everyone who's listening.

[1:24:43] Dan's pretty fucking cool, okay?

[1:24:45] Why don't you calm down?

[1:24:46] Yeah, chill out.

[1:24:47] Let's see.

[1:24:48] With my parents, it would kind of depend on if it was my mom driving or my dad.

[1:24:53] I did do a lot of road trips as a kid because I played on a youth soccer team,

[1:24:58] and our club team would play in soccer tournaments all around the Indiana State area.

[1:25:05] My mother would usually play the Rocky Horror Picture Show tape,

[1:25:12] which I loved and would sing along to.

[1:25:15] And my dad's big one would be like, I feel, I always think of like Bob Seger.

[1:25:21] That's like dad music, right?

[1:25:23] Bob Seger.

[1:25:24] Sure, sure.

[1:25:24] Yeah.

[1:25:25] Yeah.

[1:25:26] Old time rock and roll and all that kind of shit.

[1:25:29] Against the wind.

[1:25:30] Against the wind.

[1:25:32] Hell yeah.

[1:25:32] Yeah.

[1:25:33] Elliot?

[1:25:35] Well, it's funny that you mentioned Billy Joel because certainly my family listened

[1:25:40] to Billy Joel a lot growing up in New Jersey.

[1:25:42] And we'd go on long trips, but for whatever reason, the album they played the most was

[1:25:45] storm front so like down east or alexa and stuff that's tied my mind with uh to memories of being

[1:25:52] in the car for long trips but whenever we started a trip we had to start with our trip starting song

[1:25:57] it was never called that it's the song my dad would play which was the final countdown by europe

[1:26:01] uh and so yeah when we'd start we'd start on a drive that's what he would play and then immediately

[1:26:07] take the tape out not interested in any other songs that europe has to offer and then the billy

[1:26:11] joel would get would get pumped in and the other one is uh the best of queen that was a big that

[1:26:16] was a big tape yeah i could see that yeah um hey here's another letter from a listener this one i

[1:26:24] do have uh it's from rick last name withheld who writes your night of the juggler minisode made me

[1:26:30] think of my wedding my wife was born interesting explain okay my wife was born and raised in the

[1:26:36] bronx and we were married in the church she'd gone to since she was a child i on the other hand was

[1:26:41] born and raised deep upstate and 70s and 80s portrayals of the bronx like night of the juggler

[1:26:47] had my relatives believing they were braving an apocalyptic hellscape to attend now this was in

[1:26:53] 2003 but to be fair to them even now i can't immediately call to mind a fictional bronx that

[1:26:59] is not a lawless wasteland or gangster incubator they were surprised to learn the bronx has many

[1:27:05] non-hellscape neighborhoods and it is possible to spend quite a lot of time there and never see

[1:27:11] a burned out building or a baseball fury my question is have you ever been surprised to

[1:27:17] visit a place and find it didn't match the image that fiction had planted in your head keep it

[1:27:22] floppy rick last name was held i'll quickly say uh just off the top because mine is not interesting

[1:27:29] because it's basically the same one as someone who grew up in the midwest and who you know grew

[1:27:36] up in the 80s and saw all of these 70s versions of new york by the time i made it here like i

[1:27:43] like you know out of college came here i had assumed it was going to be

[1:27:48] uh yeah the the hellscape that it was painted to uh me all my life and instead i'm like oh this is

[1:27:57] like a very nice collection of neighborhoods like nothing nothing nothing in that is is accurate

[1:28:05] anymore um i mean many of the things were never accurate there were not all that many baseball

[1:28:10] furies roaming the streets at any point but uh uh even in the warriors there's a pretty small

[1:28:15] number of baseball there's a few baseball furies overall yeah like nine yeah i mean the yeah i

[1:28:22] never i was disappointed to see that i didn't have a good view of the canadian mountains uh from

[1:28:30] from the bronx yeah yeah i don't know like i feel like man i like new york's such a boring answer

[1:28:42] but it's kind of true like i moved i first moved to brooklyn and i assumed it was going to be this

[1:28:46] like tough place and it was just kind of a quiet little neighborhood um yeah i don't know

[1:28:54] uh for me i so there was so dan and stewart know about this and i'm not sure i i mean i went to i

[1:29:01] went to mexico and it wasn't all sepia toned yeah they had other colors there and it was yeah well

[1:29:07] similarly so in 2013 i went i was part of a daily show uso tour of afghanistan and i've dan and

[1:29:17] stewart i'm sure aware of this but but i don't know if i've ever mentioned it before on the podcast i

[1:29:19] possibly have yeah like uh and it was very much it was very eye-opening to see not just that

[1:29:25] afghanistan is a very different place than movies would have you believe like the movies would have

[1:29:29] you believe that is a place that only exists for american soldiers to show up and constantly be

[1:29:34] blown up or disillusioned about life um and that the country itself doesn't have its own things or

[1:29:41] people that live their own lives and are not that the country was not designed just so that foreign

[1:29:46] countries could come and have wars there and then leave uh but also that life in a war zone was very

[1:29:51] different than movies lead you to believe it is and uh like that the movie is because they want

[1:29:58] to be exciting i guess they lead you to believe that you it is just constant danger and constant

[1:30:02] constant action and constant you know either horror or thrills but really it's a lot of um

[1:30:07] people spend an awful lot of time sitting around waiting and it's uh there's more of a kind of

[1:30:13] soul-killing aspect of it in that way in uh even in the moments when there aren't action but it was

[1:30:19] just a really amazing experience and it made me wish that someday i'd like to go back in a you

[1:30:25] know in more of a peaceful traveler sort of way because it's a beautiful country and in the movies

[1:30:30] i feel like any place america goes for war is presented as inherently sinister or at the very

[1:30:36] least uh strange and and incomprehensible uh whereas in afghanistan it was very easy to see

[1:30:42] kind of like the beauty of the place

[1:30:44] and of the people there that I got to direct with.

[1:30:46] And it was really fantastic.

[1:30:47] So it's a place that hopefully I'll get to go someday

[1:30:50] just on a regular trip.

[1:30:52] So let us move on to our last section of the show,

[1:30:58] which is recommendations,

[1:30:59] movies that might be a better use of your time

[1:31:02] than the one we watched for the podcast.

[1:31:04] Debatable.

[1:31:06] Well, yeah, debatable.

[1:31:08] I'm going to, speaking of which,

[1:31:10] I'm going to offer a qualified recommendation

[1:31:11] for something that i saw that like basically it's called death on the nile no i mean it was

[1:31:17] in a way it's the opposite of death of the nile because death of the nile feels uh like such a

[1:31:25] straight down the middle pitch and this is uh one of the weirder movies i've seen but um my

[1:31:32] qualified recommendation is for a movie called mad god which is available on shutter right now

[1:31:39] uh it is a movie made by a special effects artist phil tippett who did it uh you know it originated

[1:31:46] as like a short that he did a long ago and then he expanded it over the years through crowdfunding

[1:31:51] and now it is a full feature that is available uh for viewing but it is not a feature with a

[1:32:01] clear narrative of any kind there there's like a story i guess you could tease out if you wanted

[1:32:07] to especially if you read about it but it is really kind of just a descent into some sort of

[1:32:15] dystopian hellscape uh mostly done through stop motion there are a few actual humans in it but

[1:32:23] uh and i don't think there's any dialogue in it um yeah my my qualified part of this qualified

[1:32:33] recommendation is i will say um as much as i admire it for uh sticking to its artistic guns

[1:32:40] like it has no narrative drive to pull you through so even though you're seeing the most

[1:32:47] amazing strange things you could hope to see it can get boring like uh but um so maybe

[1:32:57] you know i would recommend watching it in i don't know 30 minute chunks however you

[1:33:02] long you like to enjoy your non-narrative weird cinema uh but i still wanted to recommend it

[1:33:11] because it is a singular movie it is a movie that is definitely one very talented man's vision

[1:33:19] that is largely uncompromised by anything else um so if that makes you curious give it a watch

[1:33:27] know that there's

[1:33:29] some very gross, disturbing stuff

[1:33:31] with Ed.

[1:33:32] Yeah, but I'm going to check it out.

[1:33:35] A lot of people ask me about it, and I just haven't gotten around to it.

[1:33:37] But that is a solid,

[1:33:38] qualified recommendation.

[1:33:40] I'm going to recommend a movie

[1:33:42] unqualified.

[1:33:43] I'm going to recommend

[1:33:46] a movie by

[1:33:49] a favorite here at the Flophouse,

[1:33:51] Mr. Michael Mann.

[1:33:53] That's because he's a human,

[1:33:54] and that's what his last name is.

[1:33:57] He was beaten by a Michael, yeah.

[1:33:58] I'm going to recommend his movie, Miami Vice,

[1:34:01] that is part of his digital video era,

[1:34:05] also known as his Chris Cornell era,

[1:34:08] where Michael Mann made a bunch of movies

[1:34:11] that are using digital video that both, to me,

[1:34:15] look both a little bit ugly, but also kind of beautiful

[1:34:18] in a way that I don't see a lot of other,

[1:34:20] I don't feel like any other auteur, I guess,

[1:34:25] or, like, marquee filmmakers embrace digital video like Michael Mann did

[1:34:29] with Miami Vice and, like, Collateral.

[1:34:32] And Public Enemies.

[1:34:33] And Public Enemies, to a lesser degree, Public Enemies.

[1:34:38] I mean, it's very digital video.

[1:34:40] Yeah, but, I mean, the general quality of the movie, to me, is less.

[1:34:44] I'm just going into the digital video aspect.

[1:34:46] I don't think it's particularly good.

[1:34:47] Elliot is exclusively splitting hairs.

[1:34:49] The Miami Vice, I remember.

[1:34:52] And what do men have on them?

[1:34:54] hairs just like michael mann full circle yep it works it all works guys um you know miami vice

[1:35:04] is a movie like i feel like a lot of michael mann movies when i first encounter them it uh it didn't

[1:35:10] quite click with me and maybe it was where i was at in life and uh but seeing it again now uh it

[1:35:18] again like it looks beautiful the performances are great uh it manages to be sexy in a way that

[1:35:24] i find a lot of michael may movies are not like i feel like the love story in the movie works a lot

[1:35:29] better than some of the other romances in his movies i mean the sexy speedboat situation is

[1:35:34] amazing and of course when colin farrell explains that he's a fiend for mojitos oh man what a movie

[1:35:40] um and there's like there's like there's beautiful moments of like like lightning being caught like

[1:35:47] in the background that like they couldn't have planned that shit it just it's there and it looks

[1:35:50] great uh yeah it's uh it's a cool movie it's it's long but uh yeah it's a great little movie check

[1:35:57] it out and i'm gonna recommend a movie uh watching this movie of which is not murder on the orient

[1:36:04] express but is related to murder on the orient express it reminded me of a movie that involves

[1:36:08] a murder on a different train uh the trans siberian siberian railway that i uh that i

[1:36:15] wanted to recommend uh and that movie is called horror express this is from 1972 and it stars

[1:36:20] christopher lee and peter cushing and the poster says telly savalis but he doesn't really show up

[1:36:25] until the like the last third of the movie and he doesn't do very much but uh it starts out uh it's

[1:36:30] a movie set in the early 20th century and christopher lee has found a sort of frozen primitive

[1:36:35] humanoid in the uh himalayas and he brings it with him and it appears that it is uh getting out of

[1:36:41] its case and murdering people on this train but the real explanation is much stranger uh and so

[1:36:48] it's a it's a real fun movie it's a little silly but uh it really as opposed to death on the nile

[1:36:54] it really goes in directions you don't necessarily expect it to when it first starts up and it's just

[1:36:59] fun it's great to see christopher lee and peter cushing uh doing a movie together always this is

[1:37:03] not a hammer film but it feels like a hammer film because the two guys those two guys are in it so

[1:37:07] That's Horror Express.

[1:37:08] Sounds good.

[1:37:09] Three great recommendations.

[1:37:11] Three great recommendations.

[1:37:12] Three unqualified recommendations.

[1:37:15] No, no, no.

[1:37:16] Hey, that means that it's the end of the show.

[1:37:20] But before we go, just a little business.

[1:37:23] If you've got a moment, go to iTunes,

[1:37:25] leave us a review to help spread the word of the show

[1:37:27] or tweet about it.

[1:37:29] You know, this is a podcast that this summer,

[1:37:33] at the end of the summer, will be 15 years old.

[1:37:35] And, you know, podcasts tend to plateau, sometimes hard to build an audience.

[1:37:40] If you want to do something that costs you nothing but helps us out, you know, let people know about the show one way or another.

[1:37:49] You can follow us at TheFlophousePod on Twitter and at TheFlophousePodcast on Instagram.

[1:37:56] We have a YouTube channel, TheFlophousePodcast.

[1:38:01] If you go to FlophousePodcast.com, you can find links to the live show.

[1:38:07] You can find links to merch.

[1:38:09] You can, I don't know, read about us, see a photo.

[1:38:12] I don't know.

[1:38:13] What do you want to do?

[1:38:14] We're a member of the Maximum Fun Network.

[1:38:16] There's only so much there.

[1:38:17] There's only so much.

[1:38:18] It's really just a way to have this podcast.

[1:38:21] Go to MaximumFun.org to check out all the great podcasts on our network.

[1:38:27] even though he's not producing this episode.

[1:38:29] Thank you to our producer, Alex Smith.

[1:38:32] Please come back soon, at HowlDotty on Twitter.

[1:38:35] But until next time, I have been Dan McCoy.

[1:38:39] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:38:41] And I'm Elliot Kalin saying,

[1:38:44] join us for more mystery, madness, and murder

[1:38:48] on another episode of The Flophouse.

[1:38:50] I can't promise that any of those three things

[1:38:52] are going to be in the next episode, but you never know.

[1:38:57] I mean, the other thing, I could be brutally honest,

[1:39:01] and I could be like, the movie that dares you to give a shit.

[1:39:04] Anyway.

[1:39:13] And what about the vibes over there?

[1:39:15] The vibes?

[1:39:16] Well, I get the feeling there might be a vibe shift soon.

[1:39:19] But right now, the vibes are pretty good.

[1:39:21] Maximumfun.org.

[1:39:24] Comedy and culture.

[1:39:26] Artist owned.

[1:39:26] Audience supported.

Episode #373 - Death on the Nile

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