Episode #373 - Death on the Nile

Elliott Kalan

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Death on the Nile.

[0:04] Uh-oh, guys, I think I watched the wrong movie.

[0:06] I watched Death on the Neal.

[0:08] Did your movie have a guy named Neal in it?

[0:12] Oh!

Dan McCoy

[0:14] Oh, Nellie.

[0:16] Oh, Doctor!

S2

[0:30] Oh, Nellie.

[1:00] The recent Supreme Court decision about Roe v. Wade.

[1:06] And if you are shook, we are also shook.

[1:09] And I just wanted to mention that we don't quite know the way forward,

[1:14] but there is one, and we're all here together.

Dan McCoy

[1:20] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

[1:23] I am Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25] Hey, it's me, Stuart Wellington, recording live from Detroit,

[1:29] Michigan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31] And it's me, Elliot Kalin, recording live from Los Angeles, California,

[1:35] but that's not a new thing.

[1:37] It's not new.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37] Well, my thing's different.

[1:39] Telltale.

[1:39] That's true.

[1:40] Yeah.

[1:40] What did you do to Detroit, Stu?

[1:42] I'm here in Michigan.

[1:44] My parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary.

[1:48] That's a big deal, guys.

[1:49] I'm sorry.

[1:51] I'm sorry.

Dan McCoy

[1:51] Are you expecting an applause break?

[1:53] I was expecting an applause break.

[1:55] Okay.

[1:55] Well, sorry.

Stuart Wellington

[1:56] Alex, just loop that in.

[1:57] Throw in an applause break.

[2:00] But so they, my cousin, who owns a little bit of lakefront property on Lake Huron,

[2:06] hosted a family get-together, and I got to see a lot of my family, who I have not gotten

[2:10] to see in years.

[2:12] And I got to ride a fucking jet ski.

[2:15] And let me tell you, I used to think people on jet skis were assholes.

[2:18] Changed my mind.

[2:19] They are thinking the right way.

[2:21] They are living life to its fullest.

Elliott Kalan

[2:24] Of course, it's also possible that you're an asshole now, and that's why you don't see.

[2:28] Oh, my God.

[2:28] You may have made the shift.

Stuart Wellington

[2:30] Oh, no.

[2:30] Do I have to look at myself in the mirror?

[2:32] Have I become an asshole?

Elliott Kalan

[2:35] It's fine.

[2:35] Just check your butt in the mirror and see.

[2:38] But, you know.

[2:41] Just like in the movie.

[2:42] Just like in the color purple.

[2:43] Michael Jackson song, yeah.

[2:44] Just take a mirror and just check your undercarriage and see what you find down there.

[2:47] Because it might surprise you.

[2:49] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[2:51] So, what do we do here on this podcast?

[2:53] We talk about Topeka, Kansas, and movies.

[2:56] Yeah, and movies.

Dan McCoy

[2:57] Let me say, this is a podcast where we talk about a critical or a commercial flop.

[3:05] That usually of recent provenance.

[3:07] This month has been kind of more or less the flop house and more the mixed review house.

[3:11] I would say that old and this film, Death on the Nile, kind of reviews were a wide range.

[3:19] You know what?

[3:19] Some people really liked them.

Stuart Wellington

[3:21] I don't want to jump ahead, but you could technically call this movie old because it takes place in the past.

Elliott Kalan

[3:30] I mean, no.

[3:31] I mean, you could call the movie old.

[3:32] You technically could call any movie old for any reason you want.

[3:36] Dan, what you're saying is that the last couple episodes haven't reached our full remit of bad movies,

[3:41] and we haven't said much about Topeka, Kansas at the time.

[3:43] So, if you're a flop house listener and you're disappointed-

[3:45] We're going through a midlife crisis.

[3:47] Yeah, and you're disappointed that our movies lately have not been full-fledged flops.

[3:51] Well, maybe come join us to August 7th.

[3:53] August 7th, we're going to be at the Bell House in Brooklyn in New York.

[3:56] We're going to be talking Morbius.

[3:58] That's right.

[3:58] The movie America loves to hate in the form of memes.

[4:02] It's going to be August 7th.

[4:03] That's a Sunday.

[4:04] Doors, 6.30.

[4:05] Show, 7.30 at the Bell House in Brooklyn.

[4:08] Go to thebellhouseny.com, I believe is the-

[4:12] Let me double say it.

[4:12] Yeah, thebellhouseny.com for tickets.

[4:14] That's the Flophouse live, our first live show in two years.

[4:18] Yeah.

[4:18] And you can see it if you come on down to the Bell House, our favorite venue over in Brooklyn, New York, August 7th.

Stuart Wellington

[4:24] And you'll get to hear us say stuff like, starring Jared Leto Atreides and other kinds of great jokes like that.

Elliott Kalan

[4:31] Don't give them a waste to.

[4:33] Don't give them a waste.

Stuart Wellington

[4:34] Oh no, I'm already gassed out.

[4:35] I'm going to need to tap someone else in.

Elliott Kalan

[4:37] But as with all live shows, we will have all new PowerPoint presentations beforehand that will not be with the episode when we eventually release it.

[4:44] So come on down or you'll never see them.

[4:46] You just won't know what we made jokes about.

[4:48] Hopefully they'll be of a higher caliber than that Jared Leto Atreides one.

Dan McCoy

[4:53] Thanks for addressing our mission creep, Elliot, with the live show.

[4:59] Stuart, have you checked your levels since you started holding the microphone like a cool dude?

[5:03] Is it still okay?

Stuart Wellington

[5:04] Oh, I mean, it's a little hot.

[5:08] A little hot.

[5:08] I mean, the microphone is almost in your mouth.

[5:12] I figured our cool editor will just fix it all in post.

[5:16] Yeah, that's me this time.

[5:17] That's why I'm so worried about it.

Dan McCoy

[5:19] Oh no.

[5:21] Alex is on vacation.

[5:23] Damn.

Stuart Wellington

[5:23] Now I'm policing.

[5:24] We're not known for having audio issues, right?

Elliott Kalan

[5:26] No, never.

[5:27] Your big tech breaks.

[5:29] That never happens.

[5:30] Oh wait, hold on.

[5:31] Last week.

Dan McCoy

[5:32] And this week, to pull back the curtain, we've had two Zoom mishaps already.

[5:37] Hopefully I think we've fixed it.

[5:39] They're called Zishaps.

[5:41] Okay, thanks Zima Guy.

[5:42] Anyway, death on the Nile.

[5:45] You ever wonder what the Zima Guy's up to these days?

Stuart Wellington

[5:47] He's probably living in a very real town we passed up here in Michigan, Zilwaki.

[5:53] I'm not making that up.

[5:55] I saw it.

[5:57] You think he's just like, huh?

Elliott Kalan

[5:59] Zood morning, everybody.

[6:00] I'm going to go check the Zail.

[6:03] And his wife is like, oh God, Zivorce me.

Stuart Wellington

[6:09] Yeah, take back this ring to Zails.

[6:14] And he's like, well, I got it.

[6:15] It's Zarin.

[6:15] Go to Dr. Zismor and get that mole checked out.

Elliott Kalan

[6:18] Every Zist begins with Zay.

[6:20] Now, Zima Guy, if you're out there, please write into the Flophouse.

[6:25] Let us know how you're doing.

[6:25] You're still putting Zs in front of your words.

[6:27] And for the younger people out there, write in if you don't know what Zima is and we'll

[6:31] explain it to you.

Stuart Wellington

[6:33] We'll do our best.

[6:34] I think Charlene worked at a place, years ago, Charlene worked at a place that had Zima

[6:38] on draft or on tap.

[6:41] Wow.

[6:42] What a heady time we lived in.

Elliott Kalan

[6:44] Yeah, what a world.

[6:45] Truly a Zoldan age that we've long since passed.

[6:49] For some reason, I don't know why Zima is entwined in my mind.

Stuart Wellington

[6:51] I need somebody to hit Elliot on the side of the head to fix the record.

Elliott Kalan

[6:55] The side of the Zed.

[6:57] It's entwined in my mind with Boku, the fruit juice that Richard Lewis did ads for, and I

[7:02] don't know why.

[7:03] Why are those two things combined?

[7:05] Interesting.

[7:05] I don't remember this at all.

Stuart Wellington

[7:07] You don't remember that one?

[7:07] They were probably both on a VHS tape or a ZHS tape that you had.

[7:13] Thank you.

[7:14] Of like old Ninja Turtles cartoons that you kept watching all the time or something.

Elliott Kalan

[7:17] Yeah, because they advertised a lot of Zima and Boku.

[7:19] Grown-up drinks were advertised during Ninja Turtles quite a bit, sure.

Dan McCoy

[7:22] I understand that a lot of people like him now based on, what do you call it, the show

[7:28] Curb Your Enthusiasm.

[7:32] Zurb Your Enthusiasm, yeah.

[7:33] What's his face?

[7:34] The guy you were talking about.

[7:35] Richard Lewis.

[7:36] Yeah.

[7:36] I never, I lived through peak Richard Lewis and I never understood it.

[7:40] I'm like, what?

[7:41] There's something here that I'm missing.

[7:44] People are telling me this man is a comedian.

[7:46] I'm not sure what's happening.

[7:49] Wow.

[7:50] I just, I just want.

[7:51] I need a treasure.

[7:52] Are you.

[7:52] Take that Zitra Trace.

Stuart Wellington

[7:52] I didn't know I got an invitation to the roast of Richard Lewis just now.

[7:56] I'm sorry.

[7:56] Do you feel differently about Richard Lewis?

Dan McCoy

[7:58] Do you put on a comedy special by Richard Lewis and you're like, ha, ha, ha, ha, hilarious.

[8:02] I'm serious.

[8:03] Not particularly, but still.

Stuart Wellington

[8:05] Yeah.

[8:06] Yeah.

[8:06] I have to make sure that my needs are reinforced.

[8:07] I'm not scared.

[8:08] Come at me, Richard Lewis.

Elliott Kalan

[8:10] Yeah.

[8:10] I have to wear a corset to keep my sides from splitting too much when I listen.

[8:14] Hey.

[8:15] But so this is not just a podcast where we rag on Richard Lewis for some reason.

[8:19] We talked about a movie today.

Dan McCoy

[8:21] I just didn't understand what his deal was.

[8:23] I'll tell you when I laughed at Richard Lewis.

Stuart Wellington

[8:25] I feel like his comedy routine is him bald-facedly explaining his deal.

Dan McCoy

[8:29] Yeah.

[8:30] Yeah.

[8:30] I think so.

[8:30] I guess I just didn't find it funny.

Elliott Kalan

[8:32] I found him funny.

[8:32] It's not exactly like an Emo Phillips type riddle that you have to unlock.

[8:35] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[8:36] Oh, no.

[8:36] I find Emo Phillips hilarious.

[8:38] That's how they're different.

[8:38] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[8:38] Because Emo Phillips is a master joke writer.

[8:40] He's hilarious.

[8:41] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[8:41] Richard Lewis made me laugh once in Robin Hood Men in Tights when he says, I have a mole?

Elliott Kalan

[8:49] Yeah.

[8:49] That made me laugh.

[8:50] I also like when Tracy Ullman says, she changed her name to Latrine.

[8:54] It used to be Shithouse.

[8:55] He goes, that's a good change.

[8:56] A very good change.

Dan McCoy

[8:58] Okay.

[8:58] Richard Lewis.

[9:00] I'm back.

[9:00] Yeah, yeah.

[9:01] Pretty funny in Men in Tights.

Elliott Kalan

[9:02] When he's in the hands of second tier Mel Brooks, you like him.

[9:07] Okay, everybody.

[9:08] Let's talk about this movie today.

[9:09] It's called Death on the Nile.

[9:10] I am so curious to talk to you guys about whether you found this movie as blindingly obvious

[9:15] in its mystery as I did.

Dan McCoy

[9:17] Oh, I certainly did.

[9:20] Audrey, early on, was like, so what do you think happened?

[9:23] And I said, basically exactly what happened.

[9:25] I mean, this is before the two other murders that are just to cover up the initial murder.

Elliott Kalan

[9:30] But anyway.

[9:31] This is, it's a very dour mystery.

[9:34] It's not a fun mystery.

[9:36] And a part of this is they didn't know when they cast Armie Hammer that he would become

[9:41] synonymous in the minds of America with drinking human blood.

[9:45] But still.

[9:46] And devouring people's bodies.

Stuart Wellington

[9:48] It was a cannibal thing, right?

[9:50] Yeah.

[9:51] It is.

[9:51] It's actually a vampiric thing.

[9:52] It's kind of shocking how many of the people cast in this movie have taken a turn in public

[9:57] opinion.

Dan McCoy

[9:58] Yes.

[9:59] Because Letitia Wright was an anti-vaxxer.

[10:02] Uh-huh.

[10:02] And Russell Brand is an asshole.

Stuart Wellington

[10:05] It is himself.

[10:06] I mean, but they knew that going in.

[10:08] That's not a new thing.

Elliott Kalan

[10:09] That's, when Russell Brand is one of the more restrained performances in the film, too,

[10:14] it's an interesting movie that you're watching.

[10:15] Not that they're particularly over-the-top performances, but let's get into it.

[10:19] Death on the Nile, the movie that dares you not to guess the mystery ahead of time.

[10:23] The movie that is, it's like, if, as we've said, I think before in the podcast, we certainly

[10:29] said it in private life, that with mystery TV shows, they want the audience to know ahead

[10:33] of time, because audiences like to feel smart, to set up a movie about a detective who is

[10:37] famous for noticing things that nobody else notices, and yet he doesn't notice that Armie

[10:41] Hammer is a creep until two hours into the film.

Dan McCoy

[10:44] I'm sure we'll get into it later, but I'm going to make an argument for Hercule Poirot

[10:49] being a terrible detective in this movie.

[10:51] This is horrible.

Elliott Kalan

[10:52] He's a, he's, so, sorry.

Stuart Wellington

[10:55] This is the, I was just going to say, this is the, this is the second one of these Kenneth

[10:59] Branagh, Hercule Poirot movies, and I have not seen the first.

[11:04] I have not seen the first.

Dan McCoy

[11:05] The first one is about, I would say, on par with this.

[11:09] They're, they're very similar in style, tone, and quality.

[11:14] His mustache is a little more walrus-like in that one, whereas this mustache looks like

[11:18] he just taped another mustache over an existing mustache.

[11:22] It does look like that.

Stuart Wellington

[11:23] It looks like he, at some point, might remove one mustache and throw it like a batarang.

Elliott Kalan

[11:28] Yeah.

[11:29] Yes.

[11:29] It's very strange.

[11:30] And they go to, and as, as with all reboots, that you've got to explain the mustache, which

Stuart Wellington

[11:35] I've.

[11:36] I got to say, the opening sequence, which is a flashback, is the first time I've ever seen

[11:41] a fucking origin story for a fucking mustache.

[11:44] That is wild.

[11:45] That is like, I mean, I don't, was it, was it Last Crusade was the movie that really hammered

[11:51] home the idea that they're like, we're thrown in flashbacks.

[11:53] We're going to explain the existence of every element of this character's personality.

Elliott Kalan

[11:56] We need to explain his hat, his whip, why he doesn't like snakes.

[12:00] But at least there, that plays like a joke.

Dan McCoy

[12:01] Why it belongs in a museum.

[12:02] Because it's like, oh, all this stuff happened in Rapids Succession on one day.

[12:07] And that's kind of funny.

[12:07] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[12:07] Why he's called Indiana.

Elliott Kalan

[12:09] Yeah.

[12:10] And also, and also that hadn't, we hadn't seen that so much in movies before.

[12:13] Exactly.

[12:13] So it was like, it was kind of enjoyable.

[12:15] It was so stupid.

Stuart Wellington

[12:16] So if that covered every element of that character's personality, I guess the most important part

[12:21] of Hercule Poirot's personality is his mustache.

Dan McCoy

[12:24] Well, certainly to Kenneth Branagh, because I will tell you, the rest of Hercule Poirot as

[12:30] shown in this film is not the Poirot I am familiar with.

Elliott Kalan

[12:33] So tell me about that, because I'm really only familiar with the Poirot Albert Finney plays

[12:37] in the original movie of Murder on the Orient Express, which I have to say, that character

[12:41] is so weird and so bizarre in the way that he does everything.

[12:46] And just, he is, you get the impression that he is a very off-putting man and that people

[12:51] only have him around to solve mysteries.

[12:52] Whereas Hercule Poirot here is a very, he's just a, he's just a, you know, respectable,

[12:56] sophisticated gentleman.

Dan McCoy

[12:57] I think that both of the big movie Poirots, you've got Albert Finney in Murder on the Orient

[13:03] Express and you've got Peter Ustinov in the original, the other Death of the Nile and Evil Under

[13:08] the Sun.

[13:09] Both of those focus on Poirot's fastidiousness.

[13:14] Either like Finney is a little more on the serious end and Ustinov plays it all for laughs,

[13:20] which is part of the character.

[13:23] But, you know, like as, you know, David Suchet is the one that everyone points to as sort of

[13:27] being the definitive.

[13:27] Is he the one who did him on TV?

[13:29] Yes.

[13:30] I've seen pictures of him.

[13:30] Just as Jeremy Brett is often pointed to as the definitive Sherlock Holmes.

[13:35] And Tony Shalhoub is the definitive monk.

[13:38] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[13:40] Despite, despite Name of the Rose featuring many different monks, none of them hold a candle.

[13:45] Sorry.

[13:45] Sorry, Thelonious.

Dan McCoy

[13:49] Anyway.

[13:50] No, but so like the fastidiousness, I guess, is something else that is done in Branagh's version.

[13:59] Although here Branagh interprets it sort of as full OCD.

[14:04] Like there's a scene early on where he must have an even number of desserts.

[14:09] Yeah.

[14:10] But Poirot in the, you know, in the stories is more of a sort of a kindly listener.

[14:19] And, you know, like he's just a gentleman who's like a little too, he dresses a little too

[14:25] like Natalie, but like out of fashion a bit.

[14:27] He dresses like Natalie Walker?

[14:29] Yeah.

[14:29] Oh, wow.

[14:31] Yeah, very fashionable.

[14:32] Like cabaret style?

[14:34] No, but he's like a bit of a fancy pants, but like maybe a little out of date.

[14:38] But he's a nice man who people, you know, open up to and that's part of his thing.

[14:43] Oh, I see.

[14:43] And.

Elliott Kalan

[14:44] As opposed to going to each person and accusing them of being a murderer.

[14:47] Well, that's what I wanted to say.

[14:48] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[14:49] This version of Poirot, like usually in a story like this, you have like the police detective,

[14:56] the dumb police detectives in like Holmes or Poirot or what, like who just want to accuse

[15:01] people because they don't really care.

[15:02] They just want to make a collar.

[15:04] And the main detective is the one who actually cares about the truth.

[15:07] And here, like, it's like, well, we don't have those characters.

[15:09] So let's just have Hercule Proverot go and accuse everyone in turn as if he's like, well,

[15:15] you had a good explanation.

[15:16] Now on to the next person I'm going to accuse.

[15:20] He's like barreling around the place like a rhino.

[15:24] Like, I don't understand.

Elliott Kalan

[15:24] He's incredibly unsophisticated in the way that he gets information from people.

[15:28] And literally dead bodies have to like fall in front of him almost.

[15:31] Or like, you know, evidence needs to be dredged up out of the sea.

[15:35] By the end of this thing.

Dan McCoy

[15:36] I think five people have died.

[15:39] I do not think this is a successful case in the annals of Poirot.

[15:43] It's not a case for Hercule.

Elliott Kalan

[15:44] It's not going on his best of list.

[15:47] Yeah.

[15:48] When the AV club does top 10 best Hercule Poirot cases, this is not his most effective.

Stuart Wellington

[15:55] So if I, if I don't, maybe this is better at the end of the episode, but if I was going to like take a dive into Hercule Poirot stories, where should I start, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[16:07] Stories?

[16:08] Like the book?

[16:08] I mean, like everyone.

[16:09] Or movies.

[16:10] Or TV shows.

[16:11] Watch the, watch an episode or two of the David Suchet TV show.

[16:15] I mean, like they, look, it's going to be that kind of a little too slow, cozy feeling British production.

[16:23] But David Suchet is a great actor.

[16:24] So it's fun to watch him do his version of the character.

[16:28] I mean, look, I don't, I don't think that movies have to be accurate to the source material necessarily.

[16:36] But there has to be a reason or an improvement or like if it's something like Batman where we've had like 82 Batman by now, you want to find a new angle on it.

[16:47] So maybe you, you know, go a little nuttier with.

Stuart Wellington

[16:51] The angle could be put Colin Farrell in a penguin outfit.

Dan McCoy

[16:55] But we haven't had, we haven't had Poirot on the screen since like in the movies at least.

[17:02] Since like the late 70s, early 80s.

[17:04] So it's like.

[17:04] Until Murder on the Orient Express, the new one.

[17:07] Yeah.

[17:08] So like, it's weird to me that this version is so unrecognizable.

[17:12] But anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[17:14] Well, let's talk about it.

[17:15] Let's get into the plot of this movie, huh?

[17:16] Because it is, it is a movie, like I said, it is daring you to imagine a more complicated mystery than actually is brought forward.

[17:23] But we begin.

[17:24] It's October 31st, 1914.

[17:27] That's right.

[17:27] Halloween in the trenches of World War I.

[17:29] The fact that it is Halloween goes unremarked upon.

[17:32] You want to see something really scary?

[17:34] Here's what's really scary.

[17:36] Man's inhumanity to man.

[17:37] Thanks, Kenneth Branagh.

[17:38] Anyway, they're in Belgium.

[17:40] And there's all these soldiers in muddy trenches and ravens.

[17:42] And this part's all in black and white.

[17:44] And the French army, or maybe it's the Belgian army.

[17:46] Whoever, I don't remember if it was a French or Belgian captain.

[17:49] Because is Poirot supposed to be Belgian or French?

[17:51] He's Belgian.

[17:52] Okay.

[17:52] So it's the Belgian army.

[17:54] They get the order to attack this heavily guarded bridge in three hours.

[17:58] They're going to, the wind's going to shift.

[17:59] They're going to gas it.

[18:00] And they're going to attack.

[18:01] And they should expect heavy casualties.

[18:04] And Poirot, who's one of the soldiers and does not yet have a walrusine mustache,

[18:08] he notices that the birds are flying around in such a way that it shows the wind is going to turn early.

[18:13] Because the birds always fly this way for the wind.

[18:15] He goes, if we attack now, then the wind will push our gas forward and hide us.

[18:19] Basically the same plan, but let's do it now instead of in three hours.

[18:22] And are they going to do it?

[18:24] They do it.

[18:24] And they manage to push the Germans back.

[18:26] It's a successful advance.

[18:28] But then his captain trips a tripwire that blows him up and blows the bridge up.

[18:33] So it was kind of a waste.

Stuart Wellington

[18:34] And blows off some of Poirot's face.

Elliott Kalan

[18:37] As we find in the next scene where he's in the hospital, he's visited by his fiancee Catherine,

[18:41] who is either English or is just being played with an English accent because everyone in Europe in an American movie,

[18:47] unless you make a point of it, has an English accent.

[18:49] And just as everyone in ancient Rome has an English accent.

[18:53] And he goes, oh, I didn't want you to see me this way.

[18:55] My face has been scarred.

[18:56] It's not that badly scarred.

[18:57] It's scratched up.

[18:58] Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Dan McCoy

[18:59] Elliot, I'm going to go the opposite direction.

[19:01] It's pretty gross.

[19:02] His cheek when he turns.

[19:04] Yeah, because it hasn't healed yet.

[19:05] Yeah, well, he turns his face.

[19:06] His cheek is still open.

[19:07] And I'm like, I understand that this is like an army makeshift hospital, but someone should probably stitch that up because it is an open wound.

Stuart Wellington

[19:16] Yeah, yeah.

[19:17] They should have given him some medical care.

[19:19] And then later on, she's like.

[19:20] When he turned over, I'm like, is he going to become a fucking Deadpool?

[19:22] What's going on here?

Dan McCoy

[19:23] And then she's like, oh, you know, you could grow a mustache to cover it.

[19:27] And I'm like, honey, that is not going to get covered by a mustache.

[19:29] Although it magically is for the rest of the movie.

[19:32] Although it does in the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[19:32] That's the thing.

[19:33] That's what I'm saying.

[19:34] It couldn't have been that bad because his mustache does manage to cover it up.

[19:36] It's not that big a mustache.

Dan McCoy

[19:38] Except for then at the end, you know, leap to spoiler alert.

[19:41] We do see his unmustachioed face later on at the end of the movie.

[19:45] And again, that mustache would not have covered the scars that we see.

Elliott Kalan

[19:50] No, at best, a beard might have gotten some of it.

[19:52] Anyway, now we go to London in 1937.

[19:56] We're in color now.

[19:56] Poirot is a famous detective.

[19:58] He's got a mustache.

[19:59] He's returning from Egypt, which is confusing since he's about to go to Egypt.

[20:03] But I think that's only because...

[20:05] So what I read in the IMDb trivia was at the end of Murder on the Orient Express, someone says,

[20:08] Poirot, there's been a death on the Nile.

[20:10] And that sets up the sequel, supposedly.

[20:13] Except in this sequel, he bumps into the mystery.

[20:16] He's not told to go to Egypt for this murder.

[20:19] And so I think they just needed to explain that away, that he was just in Egypt for a different mystery.

[20:24] But he's going to go back for this one, which is dumb.

[20:27] And so he goes into like a jazz club, and that's where we first meet some of our other characters.

[20:33] Let's go through...

[20:34] And while Hercule Poirot is too busy arranging his desserts in a pyramid on his table and having one too many for him to be happy,

[20:42] we meet some of the other characters.

[20:44] We meet Salome Otterborn, who is a renowned jazz singer, and her niece, Rosalie Otterborn, who says that Salome's not going on stage until they get paid,

[20:55] which is how you had...

[20:56] At the time, that was how you had to be when you were a black performer.

[20:59] If you didn't get paid before the show, there was a big chance you were just going to get stiff.

[21:03] And as far as I know, until the end of her days, that's how Aretha Franklin still operated,

[21:07] was if you wanted to perform, you had to hand her either a cashier's check or a bag full of money,

[21:12] and then she would count it before she would go on stage, because she'd been cheated so many times in the beginning of her career.

[21:17] And we also meet, uh-oh, some sexy dancers dirty dancing all over the dance floor once the music starts.

[21:25] That's Armie Hammer as Simon Doyle and Emma McKee as Jackie de Belfort, and they are engaged.

[21:34] And they might as well be having sex on the floor.

[21:37] It is just super steamy, especially for 1937.

[21:39] But I guess they didn't invent sex nowadays.

[21:41] They had it back then, too.

[21:43] Well, that was...

[21:43] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[21:45] Yeah, so wait.

[21:46] You're talking about the dancing between Emma and him, not even what happens then with Gal Gadot.

Elliott Kalan

[21:52] Gal Gadot hasn't shown up yet, but she's about to.

[21:54] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[21:54] Because that's crazy, and we'll talk about it when it comes up.

[21:57] Sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[21:58] So Jackie and Simon, they're just all over each other.

[22:02] There is a part even where Jackie bends down in front of him, and he kind of, like, thrusts his pelvis into her butt,

[22:08] which was not a dance move in the 30s.

[22:09] I'm sorry.

[22:10] I mean, maybe.

[22:11] I don't know.

Stuart Wellington

[22:11] Yeah, his tongue rolled out and turned into a little carpet, and she walked up and down it.

Elliott Kalan

[22:16] I mean, it's so obvious.

[22:18] It's so much on the nose that his tongue might have as well turned into a phallus and gone,

[22:22] ooh, boy, and then went back into his face.

[22:25] And so Gal Gadot shows up.

[22:27] She's Lynette Ridgway.

[22:29] She is a wealthy heiress, and she's a friend of Jackie de Belfort's, and she introduces them.

[22:33] And there is instant steam between her and Simon.

[22:39] Yeah, because they're both super attractive.

[22:41] They dance.

[22:41] As if they were the reincarnations of long-lost lovers.

[22:44] And they dance in a very funny choreographed way.

Dan McCoy

[22:47] It's absurd.

[22:48] I, like, you know, his old flame is witnessing the new flame and looking sad.

[22:54] And it would be enough for them to, like, dance close enough in any other movie, I think.

[22:58] But, like, they fall just short of, like, doing the dirty dancing lift.

[23:02] Like, he actually does lift her up.

[23:04] And I'm like, you just, this new lady, you're, like, dancing like this?

Elliott Kalan

[23:10] But they also, it's also so.

[23:11] He's trying to get a job, dude.

[23:13] Yeah, it's true.

[23:13] Because Jackie then asks that Simon can get a job as the caretaker on her new estate.

[23:18] She just inherited it.

Stuart Wellington

[23:19] And he's got, we got another great mustache.

Elliott Kalan

[23:21] What better the way to dance, I guess.

[23:24] And there is, he is, when he meets Gal Gadot, he is such sleaze smarm from moment one.

[23:31] From moment one, you can read all over him that he is a bad dude.

[23:35] He is not a sincere, well-meaning person.

[23:37] And it's just like Max von Sydow showing up in Minority Report where you're like, oh, the bad guy just walked into the room.

[23:42] Yeah, yeah.

[23:43] Like, oh, the devil just walked in.

[23:44] Great.

[23:44] I wonder if he'll turn out to be a bad guy.

Stuart Wellington

[23:46] Oh, your name's Louis Cipher, huh?

[23:49] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[23:51] Take my mom.

[23:52] Let me just check.

[23:53] Yeah, there is a ticket here for a D-Evil.

[23:56] That's your name?

[23:58] What does the D stand for?

[23:59] It stands for devil.

[24:00] So your name is Devil Evil?

[24:01] Yes, but I'm a perfectly nice man and I should be your friend.

[24:04] Okay.

[24:05] And at the end of the movie, I can't believe Devil Evil betrayed me.

[24:09] And so, but there's a part in that dance where Gal Gadot like turns around and walks forward a couple steps.

[24:15] And he walks forward behind her and then he puts, she puts her hand on his shoulders or vice versa.

[24:18] But it's like a choreographed move.

[24:20] It's not like, it's a silly dance.

[24:22] Anyway, Poirot is watching them dance.

[24:25] Then cut to the Nile six weeks later.

[24:27] We get pyramids up the ass.

[24:28] Shot after shot of the pyramids.

Stuart Wellington

[24:30] Oh my lord.

[24:31] Yeah.

[24:31] It's, it's, man, they throw in so many big like sweeping digital shots like this.

[24:37] Yes.

[24:37] And it's like, who is this for?

Dan McCoy

[24:40] Let's talk about the digital shots because I looked it up.

[24:43] They were going to shoot this in Morocco.

[24:45] It was actually shot in England.

[24:47] And one would think, oh, this is like a COVID thing.

[24:50] This was all shot in 2019.

[24:52] So it wasn't even a COVID issue.

[24:54] No, they held the movie for a while.

[24:56] Decided to not have anything real in the movie.

[25:00] Like, I think that there are like a couple of shots that are peppered in there that some

[25:04] second unit picked up.

Stuart Wellington

[25:06] Wait, that shot of a crocodile eating a bird out of the air, like, smashing a bird out

[25:11] of the air.

[25:11] That was real, right?

Dan McCoy

[25:12] Very realistic.

[25:13] The crocodile said, sorry, folks, didn't mean to make us watch that.

Elliott Kalan

[25:19] Hey, don't worry, don't worry, everybody.

[25:21] We'll get back to the story in just a moment.

[25:22] How you enjoying the picture?

[25:24] The crocodile, it did hurt the realism when the crocodile turned to the audience and said,

[25:30] it's a living, and then went back under the water.

Stuart Wellington

[25:32] Yeah, and then Hulk Hogan came out and like, hey, crocodile, stop eating all those birds

[25:36] and let people watch the movie that they paid good money for.

Elliott Kalan

[25:38] Let people enjoy the movie or the Hulkster's going to go wild on you.

[25:41] So here's what got to me about these pyramid shots.

[25:43] Every time they go to an Egyptian site, they go to Abu Sindel and stuff like that, the

[25:48] camera swoops around like drone-type shots, and it looks really fake, but also it's like,

[25:54] create the feeling for me that I am with these characters at the base of these monumental ruins.

[26:00] Yeah.

[26:01] And shoot it from below with the characters so that I feel like I'm there.

[26:04] When you're swooping over it, I'm like, am I watching now a demo reel for GoPro?

[26:10] What's going on?

[26:11] It's from no one's point of view.

[26:13] It looks weird.

[26:14] It makes everything look fakie.

[26:15] And it takes these things that even a CGI version of the Sphinx or the pyramids should look impressive

[26:20] next to your characters.

[26:21] And it just kind of minimizes all of them.

Dan McCoy

[26:24] Yeah.

[26:24] I mean, look, there's a certain beauty to the fake images, but it's like a chintzy beauty.

Elliott Kalan

[26:35] It's just cheap digital art.

[26:37] I'll tell you, the movie felt to me the same way that a movie poster looks to me, where everything

[26:43] looks kind of airbrushed and weird.

[26:45] And it almost gets to the point of a 1980s Playboy centerfold, where the women's faces

[26:51] and bodies have been airbrushed to the point where they no longer look like a photograph.

[26:54] Yeah.

[26:55] Well, it all looks super slick and smooth and a glossy kind of like, not in a fun way,

[27:00] not in a glossy fantasy world way.

Stuart Wellington

[27:03] But movie poster, I think, is a good correlation because it also, like, in a lot of these shots,

[27:10] I have no idea what plane any of the characters are on or if they're anywhere like, yeah, just

[27:15] there's the sense of space doesn't make sense in a lot of times.

Elliott Kalan

[27:19] Yeah.

[27:20] Yeah.

[27:20] And I think that really is to the detriment of a thing where part of the excitement is

[27:23] the location, is the idea that they're in an exotic location, you know.

[27:27] And, you know, it's the 21st century and we shouldn't exoticize foreign cultures, but Egypt

[27:32] is still a very exciting location, you know.

[27:35] Yeah.

[27:35] Like, you can't get over how exciting the pyramids and the Nile and the Sphinx and all that stuff

[27:39] are.

[27:40] So to make it turn into movie poster kind of postcard stuff is disappointing.

[27:45] But anyway, Poirot, he's got a duet of pleasures, he's got a table full of sweets, and he's got a view

[27:49] of the Sphinx.

[27:50] Doesn't get any better than that, unless you get them mixed up and take a bite out of the Sphinx.

[27:54] Maybe that's why it doesn't have a nose.

[27:55] Poirot just bit it off.

[27:56] Well, it turns out it's chocolate, though.

[27:58] Oh, yeah.

[27:59] It was all chocolate, really.

[28:00] It's just chocolate.

[28:01] It's amazing it doesn't melt in that hot Egypt, in that hot Giza sun.

[28:05] Well, they put Marzipan on top.

[28:07] His view of the Sphinx is wrecked by a kite, and that's when he noticed, that's only when

[28:11] he noticed for the first time that there is a man who has climbed halfway up the pyramids

[28:14] to fly a kite.

[28:16] It's ridiculous.

[28:17] With no gear.

[28:18] You can do that?

[28:19] It's a free solo.

[28:19] They just let you do that?

[28:21] There's nobody else there?

[28:22] I guess, I mean, it was the time when, I mean, this is the reason now that I think you

[28:25] need to have guards and stuff letting you in a certain number of people at a time.

[28:30] Oh, because of Book?

[28:30] Because there was a period, it's true, where, yeah, because Book would just go and wreck

[28:34] old ruins.

[28:34] And he finds out it's his friend, Book, who's kind of like a rich gadabout.

[28:39] And Dan, is this a character from the other movie?

Dan McCoy

[28:41] This is a character, I had to go check on this.

[28:44] He was in, I mean, I didn't have to check that he was in the other movie.

[28:48] On the Poirot wiki.

[28:50] He's, regular wiki will surprise, but he's also in, he's in Murder on the Orient Express,

[28:56] the film.

[28:56] He's also in the book, Murder on the Orient Express.

[29:00] This actor is?

[29:01] No, the character of Book.

[29:03] Because I checked it because, like, in so much as Poirot has a Watson figure, he has

[29:10] his friend Hastings, who is, like, sort of a English, like, he's, I think he was a soldier,

[29:16] but he's also kind of a Bernie Wooster vibe.

[29:18] You know, he's like, anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[29:20] Kind of a, kind of a, kind of a, not, not too bright, rich guy?

Dan McCoy

[29:24] A little bit, yeah.

[29:25] But, you know, a nice, a nice sporting man who backs Poirot up.

[29:29] And he was not, though, in the, the book of Death on the Nile.

[29:35] They, they just transported this character on.

[29:38] They're like, oh, we need more, you know, consistency between the movies, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[29:41] So it's kind of like with, with the, the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, where they

[29:44] were like, we got to bring back every character.

[29:46] All the characters you loved.

Dan McCoy

[29:48] Like those guards, the soldiers.

[29:50] They're in all of them now.

Elliott Kalan

[29:53] That English territorial governor or whatever, you know.

Dan McCoy

[29:55] What a weird miscalculation.

Elliott Kalan

[29:57] Hey, you know what people loved about this pirate movie with skeletons in it?

[30:00] All these characters that have nothing supernatural or distinctive about them.

[30:04] Bring them all.

[30:05] I mean, good, good for those actors, you know, that they got, they got.

Stuart Wellington

[30:08] Yeah, do you think it was, do you think it was just like a, like, those actors just got

[30:11] a really badass contract signed and they're like, fuck, our hands are tied.

Elliott Kalan

[30:18] So, so, so Book and his mom, Annette Bening, playing Euphemia, she's a painter.

[30:24] They are there because they're part of the wedding celebration party for some people, for some

[30:29] rich people they know, for a cousin of theirs or something.

[30:32] Anyway, or just someone they're friends with.

[30:34] And she has an English accent.

[30:36] Yeah.

[30:36] Annette Bening has an English accent.

[30:37] Yes.

[30:38] But she doesn't in real life.

[30:40] No, in real life she does not have English accent.

Stuart Wellington

[30:42] And Kenneth Branagh has a French accent.

[30:45] Well, Belgian.

[30:46] Belgian.

Elliott Kalan

[30:47] But he has, in real life he has an English accent, but in this he has a Belgian accent.

[30:50] Okay.

[30:51] Okay.

[30:51] Yeah, I was reading about how many.

[30:53] I mean, you're going to have to clarify a couple more accents from here.

[30:55] Okay, we'll get to them.

[30:56] We'll get to them.

[30:56] But they're part of this wedding party and Book, being the kind of rich asshole that he

[31:00] is, invites Perrault to come along with them on this trip through Egypt that is not

[31:04] their trip.

[31:05] Like, they're part of a larger group.

[31:08] And there's a, at this point there's an overhead shot of a pyramid where I actually had that

[31:14] optical illusion where even though it is pointing out, it looked like it was pointing in, like

[31:19] it was.

[31:19] Yeah, yeah.

[31:20] That's what Nearlathotep wants you to think.

[31:23] Exactly.

[31:24] And up to that point I wrote in my notes, most interesting part of movie so far.

[31:29] So that brief inadvertent optical illusion.

[31:32] And the most, the second most interesting part comes up soon as we see that French and Saunders,

[31:37] the English sketch duo, have reunited for this film.

[31:39] Yeah.

[31:40] But then I was waiting for-

Dan McCoy

[31:41] Not since Bob and David show up in the post.

Elliott Kalan

[31:44] I was, yeah, exactly.

[31:45] I was just waiting for Joanna Lumley to show up to complete Jennifer Saunders' other friends.

[31:51] But anyway, so they go to the hotel where we see all sorts of stuff that's set up.

[31:55] A man sends a sneaky telegram and there's, and French and Saunders check in and one of

[31:59] them is a socialist and the other is her kind of nursemaid.

[32:02] And a guy is, and Russell Brand is repeating an affirmation into a mirror.

[32:06] And there's a French lady who has a fancy jeweled necklace and all sorts of stuff.

[32:09] Anyway, the important part is it's Simon's wedding party, Armie Hammer.

[32:13] But wait a minute.

[32:14] That's not Jackie who he married.

[32:16] No.

[32:16] He married Gal Gadot.

[32:18] Oh no.

[32:19] Lynette Ridgeway, Jackie's friend, uh-oh, stole this man away.

[32:23] We introduce some of the other characters.

[32:25] Book literally leans into 4-0 and just whispers to him who some of the other characters are

[32:29] and why they might have an issue with Lynette.

[32:32] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[32:32] Also very Agatha Christie, just a character being like, let me explain the motives of everyone

[32:37] here.

Elliott Kalan

[32:38] There's Lynette's cousin, in quotes, because they were raised together as if they were family.

[32:43] But really, it's because his family worked for hers, Andrew, who kind of now runs the

[32:48] family business.

[32:49] There's Salome.

[32:50] He also has a mustache.

[32:53] Yes, also has a mustache.

[32:55] But it's a much more minimal mustache.

[32:57] Not as minimal as Armie Hammers.

[32:59] If you had kind of like a Wonder Bread growth chart of mustaches, it would start with Armie

[33:03] Hammers, which is kind of a pencil mustache.

[33:05] Then it would go to Andrew's, which is the kind of mustache my dad has.

[33:08] And then it would go to Kenneth Branagh's mustache, which is the kind of mustache that an

[33:11] animal, an undersea animal.

[33:13] Or some sort of warthog.

[33:15] Carry around.

[33:17] Carry around in case he needed to sell it.

[33:20] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[33:21] As a disguise, if he needs to buy some beer.

Elliott Kalan

[33:24] I see, I see.

[33:25] Yeah.

[33:25] Because there's a picture of that warthog at the front that says, do not sell to this

[33:29] warthog.

[33:29] And so he puts on a mustache.

[33:30] And the guy checks it.

[33:31] Hmm.

[33:32] You're a different warthog.

[33:33] That warthog doesn't have a mustache.

[33:34] Exactly.

[33:34] Anyway, the Otterborns are there to entertain because it turns out Rosalie Otterborn, the niece, is an old schoolmate

[33:41] of Lynette's.

[33:42] There's Dr.

[33:43] Windlesham, who's Russell Brand, who used to be engaged to Lynette.

[33:46] And she broke that engagement for Simon.

[33:49] And there's some other ones.

[33:51] Anyway, everyone's having a great time until Jackie shows up, Simon's ex-fiancee, horrifying

[33:57] Lynette and throwing them off to such a point that they all leave.

[34:02] That they just cannot, they can't have fun anymore.

[34:04] They've got to go.

[34:05] The next day, they're all at some kind of Egyptian bazaar.

[34:09] Hercule Poirot saves Lynette from a CGI snake that almost bites her.

Stuart Wellington

[34:12] Oh, yeah.

[34:12] It was really scary.

Dan McCoy

[34:14] That's one of the many moments where I'm like, I don't know that this movie understands why

[34:18] people like cozy mysteries.

[34:20] No.

[34:20] They feel they need to beef it up with a snake attacking her.

Elliott Kalan

[34:24] I think partly because this movie, spoiler alert, as we'll get to it, the murder doesn't

[34:28] happen until an hour into the film.

[34:30] Yeah, it's crazy.

[34:30] Halfway through the film before the murder, which is weird.

Stuart Wellington

[34:32] You would think you would spend that time getting to know these characters and building a puzzle

[34:36] box.

[34:37] No, no, no.

[34:38] No.

Elliott Kalan

[34:38] Most of that time is spent watching them dance to music over and over again.

[34:42] Or there's a lot of wealth porn.

[34:44] Most of the movie is wealth porn.

[34:45] It's the idea of 30s rich.

[34:48] You get on a boat and you have everything you want in the world on the boat.

[34:51] It's like Fifty Shades of Grey that way, where the movie is not really about transgressive

[34:55] dominant sex.

[34:57] The movie is about, look at all the stuff rich people have.

[34:59] Isn't it amazing?

[35:00] I have a private plane.

[35:01] I have my own boat.

[35:02] I have a castle.

[35:02] That kind of stuff.

[35:04] So Simon and Lynette, they ask Poirot to help them with Jackie, who has been following

[35:08] them the whole trip.

[35:10] And Poirot's like, well, I solve crimes.

[35:12] She has a committed one.

[35:14] I don't know what you want me to do.

[35:15] I'm not a bodyguard.

[35:17] Perfect.

Stuart Wellington

[35:21] Poirot, the Italian Belgian man.

[35:23] I guess we got Elliot's Halloween costume picked out.

Elliott Kalan

[35:26] Yeah, I think I'll be...

[35:27] I'm going to be Poirot, the poor man's version of Poirot.

[35:31] And Lynette is like, I'm sure Jackie's going to commit a crime.

[35:36] Stick around.

[35:37] Yeah.

[35:37] And Poirot talks to Jackie to kind of try to convince her to go away.

[35:41] And she's like, Simon still loves me.

[35:42] I know it.

[35:43] And I still love him.

[35:44] And look, I have a gun.

[35:46] And like this.

[35:47] Then Poirot calls for this hook, line, and thinker.

[35:50] Yeah.

[35:51] And Poirot, he tells the Doyles, Simon and Lynette, he goes, just go home.

[35:54] You're rich.

[35:55] Why do you have to get about the Nile?

[35:56] Just go to your house and enjoy being rich at home.

[36:00] And Simon's like, yeah, let's do it.

[36:02] And he sings a song about du poisson.

[36:04] Yeah, du poisson, du poisson.

[36:06] Hee, hee.

[36:07] Oh, ho, ho.

[36:08] It's amazing to me.

[36:09] Every time.

[36:09] So there was a period when my kids were really into Beauty and the Beast.

[36:11] And they were always into Little Mermaid.

[36:13] And they always wanted to hear the music.

[36:14] And it was always baffled me that this character got a song.

[36:17] This fish chef who only shows up to terrorize Sebastian the crab for a short amount of time.

[36:22] That he gets a song, which is nuts.

[36:25] Yeah.

[36:26] And who else gets songs?

[36:28] Sebastian gets two songs, Under the Sea and Kiss the Girl.

[36:31] Which, of course, he's an amazing singer.

[36:33] Those are great songs.

[36:34] And Ariel gets, I think, just one song, right?

[36:37] Part of Your World.

[36:38] Does she get any other songs in the movie?

[36:39] I think that's it.

[36:40] She's the star.

[36:41] What about Ursula?

[36:42] Yeah, Ursula gets a song.

[36:44] She gets a great song, Poor Unfortunate Souls.

[36:46] I mean, she's amazing.

[36:49] So Sebastian wins the number of songs.

[36:51] On the second, it's a three-way tie between Ariel, Ursula, and this chef who does not even have a name.

Dan McCoy

[36:56] I like to think that Minkin and Ashman had this song.

[36:59] They're like, oh, we wrote this song for a French chef singing about fish.

[37:03] We have it in the trunk.

[37:05] We just got to work it into our next project.

Elliott Kalan

[37:08] Is there any way we can use some of that material from that singing restaurant we wrote material for that closed the first night?

[37:15] They said it'll be like Jekyll and Hyde's, but singing instead of scaring.

[37:19] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[37:21] That's got to exist somewhere, right?

[37:23] I mean, there are some of the Johnny Rockets, I guess.

[37:23] Oh, there's singing restaurants, for sure.

[37:25] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[37:27] Because that's exactly what you want while you're eating is someone singing in your face about the food.

Dan McCoy

[37:32] I don't even want people that close to me singing when I go see a musical.

[37:36] I don't like it when they go in the audience.

Elliott Kalan

[37:38] I don't want it at a restaurant.

[37:40] I hate that.

[37:41] I'm not a fan.

[37:41] I want to sit in the darkness and be an observer that doesn't exist in the reality of the play.

Stuart Wellington

[37:45] So, you don't ever think like, maybe it's time for me to be on stage.

[37:51] I'm on the spot.

[37:52] Me.

Elliott Kalan

[37:52] I will say, the one time I liked that was when I went to see David Cromer's production of Our Town at the Barrow Street Theater,

[37:57] where a couple of the seats were on stage, and they gave you one line on a card that you were supposed to say when they told you to do it.

[38:05] And I was like, oh, okay, I like this.

[38:06] That was a surprise.

[38:07] I didn't think it was going to happen.

[38:08] I didn't have to react in the moment to a performer trying to embarrass me in front of the audience.

[38:14] I didn't have to dance and pretend I was having a good time, or that I would pretend I was hypnotized or something.

[38:19] So, anyway, that was all good.

Dan McCoy

[38:20] David Cronenberg's production of Our Town.

Elliott Kalan

[38:22] David Cronenberg's production of Our Town.

[38:24] There's no props, so you have to imagine all the human viscera.

[38:27] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[38:28] Something that looks like a bone that you stick into your butt.

[38:32] No, it's down at Grover's Corners.

Elliott Kalan

[38:34] We've got the newspaper, and we've got the school, and of course, we've got...

[38:38] We've got the cars.

[38:40] People crash into each other so they can have sex with each other.

Dan McCoy

[38:43] We've got that sort of umbilical sack that people just use as a swing.

Stuart Wellington

[38:49] Well, it's called an arcade, but, oh, it doesn't look like any video games I've ever seen.

Elliott Kalan

[38:54] Now, it's like, I want to go back and experience one day of my life, the day I put a videotape in my belly.

[39:01] So, anyway, they say, we're not going to leave our party.

[39:06] Instead, we're going to have the party on a boat.

[39:08] And Lynette, for some reason, dresses up as Cleopatra and just has a laugh, pretending to be Cleopatra.

Stuart Wellington

[39:13] Just for like a second.

[39:14] She does like a full wig and everything, and in the next shot, she's like, fine.

[39:19] She's like, complete outfit, done.

[39:21] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[39:21] And she's also playing Cleopatra if Cleopatra was 15 feet tall, which is another funny choice.

[39:27] That she has to get up a scaffolding with its long, long gown.

[39:30] Yeah.

[39:30] Anyway, they all go to big steamership.

[39:32] This is when the wealth porn really kicks in because it feels like for like 20 minutes, it's just watching the guests enjoy themselves as Lynette's French assistant leaves to go get the luggage.

[39:42] And we hear kind of, you know, 30s bluesy type music playing.

[39:48] And it just goes on for a long time, watching them play shuffleboard and dance and eat fancy food.

[39:53] Anyway, Poirot, we see him looking at a picture of his ex, of his fiancee, Catherine.

[39:58] We know that they're not married because he's sad all the time.

[40:01] And he's been brought on the trip ostensibly because Lynette doesn't feel safe on the boat.

[40:06] She doesn't trust her other guests.

[40:08] So she needs someone to protect her.

[40:09] Why not a kind of effete Belgian man with a big mustache who has up to this point, I guess he saved her from a snake.

[40:15] So he's the only one that she can trust.

Stuart Wellington

[40:17] I feel like his skill set is based more on after the effect though, right?

Elliott Kalan

[40:22] Yes.

[40:22] He's much more about solving the crimes that happen.

[40:24] He's not the future police from Minority Report that can go in and stop the crime before it's committed.

[40:29] He's very much more of a traditional detective who needs something to happen.

Stuart Wellington

[40:33] A lot of Minority Report content in this episode.

[40:35] I like it.

Elliott Kalan

[40:37] It's just the time.

[40:38] It's having revival.

[40:39] We're living in the age of Minority Report.

[40:41] Talking about Max von Sydow, Colin Farrell, Tommy C., you know, the whole gang.

[40:46] Peter Stromer.

[40:47] The whole gang.

[40:48] The whole gang.

[40:49] Getting your eyes swapped out even though it doesn't really matter because you have to bring your old eyes with you.

[40:53] It's a pretty Tronenberg thing.

[40:55] Yeah.

[40:56] They're like, hey, we're putting these new eyes in you.

[40:59] Don't take your blindfold off for 24 hours.

[41:01] And he does it anyway.

[41:02] There are no bad effects whatsoever.

[41:03] It's totally unnecessary.

[41:05] What a picture.

[41:05] I love it.

[41:06] Anyway, Steven Spielberg.

[41:07] He makes them.

[41:08] Anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[41:08] I mean, it's like the sort of thing where they're like, don't, if you're taking these pills,

[41:12] don't take it with alcohol.

[41:13] And you're like, what's going to happen?

[41:14] Am I going to turn into a fucking gremlin?

[41:16] And they're like, I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[41:19] And you look on the bottle and it says, side effects, gremlinism.

[41:22] And you're like, ooh.

[41:22] Oh, no.

Dan McCoy

[41:24] Well, that's when you get Hulk Hogan.

[41:28] You do fantastic voyage, fantastic journey.

[41:30] Yep.

[41:31] So you can go into your body.

[41:32] Put them into your body.

[41:34] Beats up all those little gremlinites.

[41:36] Yeah.

[41:37] It's a fantastic voyage.

[41:38] You're right.

Stuart Wellington

[41:38] You're trying to explain to him.

[41:39] You're like, it's kind of like an, it's kind of like outer space, but it's inside a body.

[41:43] He's like, so it's like inner space brother.

Elliott Kalan

[41:44] And you're like, yeah, I guess.

[41:46] It's a little bit, but not as like goofy.

[41:49] The movie, I always, when I was, I was the kid that when the song Fantastic Voyage, the

[41:54] Coolio song came out, I was like, what does this have to do with getting shrunk down and

[41:57] being injected into somebody's body?

[41:59] There's nothing about this about being shrunk.

[42:01] So meanwhile, Andrew brings Lynette a contract to sign and she starts to read the contract.

[42:06] And Simon's like, oh, just sign it so we can go bang.

[42:10] And, and Rosalie is like, uh, uh, the Lynette I knew always read every contract that was

[42:16] put in front of her.

[42:17] And I hope that was not a racist impression.

[42:19] I apologize.

[42:20] And, uh.

Dan McCoy

[42:20] She's just generally Southern, which is what she was.

[42:22] Which is what she is.

[42:23] But watch yourself, counselor.

Elliott Kalan

[42:25] I'll be on my best behavior.

[42:26] I'm sorry.

[42:27] And, uh, and Andrew takes the contracts away and is like, oh, I'll give them to you another

[42:31] time when you're paying less attention to them.

[42:33] Yeah, yeah.

[42:33] It is so, everything about it is so shady.

[42:35] And.

[42:35] Yeah.

[42:36] I'll bring it another time when I'm less suspicious.

[42:38] And book reveals to Poirot that he's in love with Rosalie Otterborn, but her mother doesn't

[42:43] approve.

[42:44] And this is one of those things.

[42:45] The reason her mother doesn't approve is it's basically that she's like a singer.

[42:49] She's an, or she's in an entertainment family.

[42:52] And Rosalie and Salome are both black.

[42:54] They're played by black actresses.

[42:55] And it's a very weird movie that brings up, I don't want you to marry this woman.

[43:00] And she's played by an actress who's black and the character's black.

[43:02] But the fact that she's black doesn't ever seem to be part of Annette Bening's, uh, problem

[43:07] with it.

[43:07] And it's almost like the movie wants to be diverse, but it doesn't want to actually confront what

[43:12] that would mean at the time.

[43:13] Yeah.

[43:14] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[43:15] And look, there are situations where colorblind cat casting just absolutely doesn't need to

[43:20] address it.

Elliott Kalan

[43:22] Well, colorblind cats don't have to address it because colorblind cats can't see color

[43:24] anymore.

[43:25] They're cats.

Dan McCoy

[43:25] But it is an interesting problem that sometimes gets brought up the way that they're being

[43:30] treated in this time in reality.

[43:34] Like, it's not, I would rather have the colorblind casting than not, but it also brings up questions

[43:40] that the movie does not address.

Elliott Kalan

[43:42] It's colorblind casting, but the movie is not a, if at that point, just don't, don't

[43:46] make the characters like Southern blues musicians.

[43:50] Make them, I was reading and apparently in the, in the book, it's like a British novelist

[43:54] and I think her niece.

[43:56] And it's like at that point, just have it be a British novelist, but have it being played

[43:58] by black actresses.

[44:00] And that way, the, the, who it's, or go the other way and actually grapple with the issue,

[44:06] at least give lip service to the reality of what those, of what people were like at the

[44:11] time and the way that they related to each other, you know.

[44:13] Because that's the problem.

Dan McCoy

[44:13] It feels like it's, it's whitewashing history in a weird way, like not whitewashing racially,

[44:18] but like whitewashing in terms of like trying to pretend that people did not hold bigoted,

[44:25] I mean like, not that they don't still hold bigoted views, but like it wasn't, it was like

[44:29] an entirely different world.

[44:31] Like, and it's strange.

Elliott Kalan

[44:32] It was a whole new world and not in the good Aladdin way.

Dan McCoy

[44:34] To not acknowledge that.

[44:35] To bring up another Disney song.

[44:36] Truth.

[44:37] I, the movie is writing checks that it's not smart enough to cash.

[44:40] Let's, let's put it that way.

Elliott Kalan

[44:42] Yeah, that's a fair, that's a fair way to put it.

[44:43] Uh, and it ties into, uh, Top Gun, the hit film that's up, that's around now, right?

Dan McCoy

[44:50] Yeah, Maverick.

[44:50] Just crossed the one billion mark, baby.

Elliott Kalan

[44:53] That's amazing.

[44:54] Anyway, uh, I haven't seen it yet.

[44:56] Uh, I don't know if I'm going to.

[44:58] But, uh.

[44:58] I've seen it.

Stuart Wellington

[44:59] You know, similar to this movie that, uh, puts a lot of stock in mustaches.

[45:04] Well, one mustache, uh, worn by Miles Teller.

[45:07] And I have to say, if you're going to get all up in arms and excited about a mustache in

[45:11] a movie starring Tom Cruise, I don't know why people didn't go bonkers for Henry Cavill's

[45:16] mustache in the Mission Impossible movie.

[45:18] What a great mustache.

[45:18] A veritable, amazing mustache that I would live and die on.

Elliott Kalan

[45:23] I've been on the record on the flop house for saying.

[45:24] You die on that mustache?

[45:25] Oh, yeah.

[45:26] Skewer me up on the bristles of this beautiful mustache.

[45:28] What a dream.

[45:29] What a fantasy to die on that beautiful mustache.

[45:32] That, I've been on the record on this very podcast as saying, when they said they had to

[45:35] use computers to erase Henry Cavill's mustache for Justice League because he refused to shave

[45:39] it.

[45:40] I was like, that seems ridiculous.

[45:41] And then I saw that mustache at work in Mission Impossible.

[45:43] I said, no, correct choice.

[45:45] Yeah, yeah.

[45:45] If anything, Superman should have had a mustache too.

Stuart Wellington

[45:49] Yeah.

[45:50] That would have been great.

[45:50] I thought he was supposed to be fucking super.

Dan McCoy

[45:55] If he just switched back and forth from no mustache to mustache within a scene, I'd be like,

[45:59] yeah, he's fucking Superman.

[46:01] He's Superman.

[46:01] Whatever.

Elliott Kalan

[46:02] He's using super powers.

[46:03] He's got super follicle growth.

Stuart Wellington

[46:05] The rays of Earth's yellow sun allow him to grow his mustache at will.

[46:10] And to shave it in his mind.

Dan McCoy

[46:12] Yeah, he has to shave it by, what is it, using a reflective surface to bounce his eye lasers

[46:18] back on himself?

Stuart Wellington

[46:19] That's the only way he can shave is by reflecting his heat vision.

[46:23] Easily fixed in post.

Elliott Kalan

[46:26] Yeah.

[46:27] So they all go visit Abu Simbel with the ruins there.

[46:30] And Bach's mom is like, where's my red paint?

[46:34] Which, of course, is going to be a clue later.

[46:36] And she tells Bach she's not going to give her blessing for him to be married.

[46:39] And Bach says, well, I'm going to go public anyway.

[46:41] It's Book.

[46:42] His name's Book, not Bach.

[46:44] Book.

[46:44] Sorry.

[46:44] Sorry, Book.

[46:45] Actually, he calls him Book in the movie.

[46:48] And I didn't know how it sounds.

[46:48] But anyway, Book?

[46:50] Book?

Dan McCoy

[46:50] Also, apparently it's Gal Gadot, which seems wrong, but it's not.

[46:56] That's how she says it.

Elliott Kalan

[46:57] I mean, I'll pronounce it how she says it.

[46:59] But that's like, oh, there's another one like that.

[47:02] Like the way that Stephen Colbert, the rest of his family calls it Stephen Colbert.

[47:06] Yeah.

[47:06] That's how traditionally his name is pronounced.

[47:08] But anyway.

[47:08] Yeah.

[47:09] Anyway, so Gal Gadot and the others, they're there.

[47:13] Perrault kind of flirts with Salome, the blues singing ant, a little bit.

[47:16] And then talks about his retirement gardening plans.

[47:19] And Lynette and Simon are about to have sex on top of the Abu Sindel monument, which is ridiculous.

[47:26] Also because they're in plain view of everyone.

[47:29] Yo, I mean, don't get me wrong.

[47:31] I'm a fucking A-plus horny boy, but.

Dan McCoy

[47:34] Let's find some place private for our sex on the front face of this monument.

Elliott Kalan

[47:41] Let's, let's, you know what, what really turns me on is committing a cultural hate crime by defiling this UNESCO site with your jizz.

[47:48] That's what I really want to have happen.

Dan McCoy

[47:50] The constant fear that I will slip on this dust off this rock.

[47:55] Love it.

[47:56] Yeah, yeah.

[47:56] You guys don't understand true passion.

Elliott Kalan

[47:59] Maybe you need to watch a little movie called Crash.

[48:02] I guess so.

[48:03] Lynette is like, I don't know.

[48:04] And Simon is like, you know I can't get hard unless there's the risk of a mummy putting a curse on us.

[48:08] That's the thing.

[48:11] So I thought that was what the death was going to be.

[48:13] And never once in the movie is it brought up the idea that they were cursed by defiling the site, which should have been what the movie was about.

[48:19] Yeah.

[48:19] And so it should have turned out that the Perot was wrong and it's like an ancient Egyptian ghost.

[48:23] But anyway, a rock falls and narrowly misses hitting them.

[48:26] And that's when a sandstorm forces everyone inside.

[48:28] And Simon suspects foul play.

[48:31] And I mean, he kind of asked for it.

[48:34] They're about to do it on top of a cultural heritage monument.

[48:37] But anyway.

[48:38] I mean, they're married, dude.

[48:40] They can pipe down wherever they want.

[48:42] Yeah.

[48:42] I guess that's true.

[48:43] That's the law.

[48:44] That's the rules, baby.

[48:46] Yeah.

[48:46] At a preschool, a McDonald's play space, during a funeral.

[48:50] You know, anywhere.

[48:51] If you're married, you can do it.

[48:52] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[48:52] You're pretty good at coming up with those scenarios, Elliot.

Stuart Wellington

[48:54] Maybe you should get a job working for Brazzers.

[49:00] I think that would be a huge step down in my career.

Dan McCoy

[49:03] A Brazzers idea man.

[49:04] Just like, Elliot, we just need you to generate 50 locations that sex could be had.

Elliott Kalan

[49:10] No, the only reason I would do that is that if they ever didn't like an idea of mine, I'd go, oh, how many Emmys has Brazzers won so far?

[49:18] Zero?

[49:19] Because I have four.

[49:20] What's so?

[49:21] How many Writers Guild Awards does Brazzers have?

[49:24] By the way, this has got to be a Guild-approved production now that I'm working on it.

[49:27] How many Peabodies does Brazzers have?

[49:30] Tell me, Bill Brazzers.

[49:32] I assume that's the owner of the company.

[49:34] And they're like, you're right.

[49:35] You're right.

[49:36] We'll go with you.

[49:36] Sure for Bill Brazzers.

[49:37] And that's why there's suddenly so many more Brazzers videos that are based on like Italo Calvino books or like set in the Elric world.

Stuart Wellington

[49:44] I mean, I think Johnny Sins could pull it off.

[49:47] I mean, he's been like a doctor, a fireman, a horny policeman.

Elliott Kalan

[49:52] It's like, well, I'm here with my stepmom in the Star Wars universe.

[50:00] What's going to happen next?

[50:03] Anyway, there's only one room for the both of us on the Death Star.

[50:07] I don't know what's going to happen.

[50:09] Anyway, so they go back to the boat and Jackie is already there.

[50:13] Lynette's like, throw her off.

[50:15] And Simon is like, she bought a ticket.

[50:17] We can't.

[50:18] But I thought they had rented out the boat.

Dan McCoy

[50:20] Yeah, I asked Audrey this too.

[50:22] I'm like, I thought that she made a big deal about buying the boat out.

[50:27] It's the same scene where she, you know, like the trailer, add enough champagne to fill the Nile.

[50:33] But apparently she had bought the boat out to a certain stop.

[50:38] And then like she joined.

[50:42] So, yeah, the stalker joins later.

Elliott Kalan

[50:46] That's Pennywise and ex-fiance foolish.

[50:48] That's the problem.

[50:49] So Lynette and Simon, they tell Perrault they're going to go home now.

[50:52] Perrault has some champagne to celebrate their leaving.

[50:54] And he starts feeling sick.

[50:56] And Jackie tells Perrault, I still love Simon.

[50:58] And he loved me once.

[51:00] And love doesn't go away.

[51:02] And Perrault says, I was in love once.

[51:04] And I lost the woman I loved to an attack during the war.

[51:06] She was coming to visit me.

[51:08] And her train was bombed.

[51:09] And that loss turned me into the man I am now.

[51:12] So perhaps losing you is what it takes to turn.

[51:15] Losing Simon is what it takes to put your life on the right track.

Dan McCoy

[51:18] And by the way, this is one of the, look.

[51:21] Again, I don't know, man.

[51:23] A better movie, do what you want with the characters.

[51:26] But I found it very irritating in this movie that they felt like they needed to like add this haunted.

[51:32] Backstory to Perrault.

[51:34] And like make a big deal about how he's a lonely man who like wears a mask and all this stuff.

[51:40] Where it's just like, you know, the great, the detectives that we remember.

[51:46] Like they're just that thing.

[51:48] They're like this broadly drawn character that is like super smart.

[51:52] Cares about the truth.

[51:53] And then has like a couple of lovable eccentricities.

[51:56] And we don't care whether they change over time.

[51:58] Like we don't want them to.

[51:59] Like the scenario changes around them, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[52:02] I wanted to see him bumble around and then talk about how there's like a hole in the donut.

[52:07] Like a donut hole.

[52:08] Exactly.

[52:08] Give me a monologue like that.

[52:09] That's what I want.

[52:10] Something about donuts.

[52:12] I feel like, I gotta say.

[52:13] Munch hands.

[52:14] I'm not enough donut talking this way.

[52:15] It should be called Donuts on the Nile.

[52:17] As somebody, like I'm not big into mystery fiction.

[52:22] So like I kept thinking back to Knives Out, which is, you know, kind of built on the same thing.

[52:28] Exactly.

[52:28] And I feel like that movie spent so much, like, it spent time with the characters and established

[52:35] very simple, like, motives without having somebody constantly telling you that shit.

[52:40] Like, I don't know.

[52:41] Like, obviously none of the characters matter.

[52:44] They're all invented.

[52:46] They all exist in this CGI glossy universe.

[52:48] But, like, it just, like, nothing matters, but then they try and make you give a shit.

[52:56] And I'm like, that doesn't work at all.

Elliott Kalan

[52:58] Like, I don't know.

[52:59] Considering they spend so much screen time showing you how fun it is to be rich in 1937 and be on the Nile.

[53:05] And so little screen time, yeah, making you understand or care about any of the characters.

[53:09] And it's like, it kept reminding me of the recent version of Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy.

[53:17] Yeah.

[53:17] I couldn't remember the order.

[53:18] Where it was like, obviously Colin Firth, spoiler alert, is the mole because he's the biggest name in the cast other than Gary Oldman.

[53:26] And it was kind of similar here where it was like, none of these people are kind of, none of them are of the same stature as the other characters in terms of screen time, in terms of the force that they're allowed to show on screen.

[53:39] In terms of convincing motive?

[53:40] Yes.

[53:41] In terms of, well, that the ultimate killer has the most obvious motive of all of them.

[53:45] When it's like, yeah, yeah, probably your aunt who pretends to be a socialist killed you for money or something?

[53:51] Yeah, that doesn't...

[53:52] Kenneth Branagh, the character who is clearly, who is the milksop, who's the weakling, clearly he did it because he's jealous of losing his fiance.

[54:00] Like, all these characters that there's no reason to suspect them.

Dan McCoy

[54:03] Well, but also, yeah, like not giving them enough to sink their teeth into.

[54:08] Like, this movie tries to distract you with CGI Egypt and CGI snakes.

[54:15] But it's like, the whole point of making a movie like this is like, all right, if you're going to make an old-fashioned, star-studded, whodunit, then like do that.

[54:24] Like, get interesting stars and then focus on, like give them really hammy, meaty roles to play.

[54:31] Like, this movie feels like it's constantly cutting away from like one uninteresting thing to a less interesting thing.

Elliott Kalan

[54:38] Yeah.

[54:38] And this movie has stars.

[54:40] Like, there's a lot of names in this cast.

[54:42] There's a lot of, I mean, you could, there's a lot of people you could give real stuff to and like, and really skilled and great actors.

[54:48] But I'm not a huge, again, murder mysteries are not my favorite type of thing usually.

[54:52] And I don't love the original murder of the Orient Express.

[54:54] Certainly not in real life.

[54:56] In real life, I don't like them at all.

[54:58] I'm not a fan of murder at all in real life.

[55:00] But in the original murder of the Orient Express, Ingrid Bergman's in it playing this maid character.

[55:07] She has essentially this one long monologue that she gives that won her an Academy Award for supporting actress because it's an amazing scene.

[55:15] And other than that, she's not given that much time otherwise, but she's allowed that scene.

[55:19] And it gives you just enough reason to wonder if she did it.

[55:22] And so it's like, you just give each of these characters like a moment where they get to shine in and of themselves as opposed to just set dressing for Poirot to bumble around with.

[55:30] And it would have made it a stronger mystery because I wouldn't have guessed who it was before the mystery starts.

Stuart Wellington

[55:36] It's the sweaty, evil-looking guy with the mustache.

Elliott Kalan

[55:39] The guy who's always sweaty and seems like a creep.

[55:42] I guess it couldn't be him.

[55:43] Oh, it is.

[55:44] Anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[55:44] Willing to raw dog it on a fucking monument.

Elliott Kalan

[55:47] Yeah.

[55:48] Who am I going to suspect of murder?

[55:50] The guy who's about to have sex in front of all of his wedding guests on top of an Egyptian ruin?

[55:56] Probably, yeah.

[55:57] So anyway.

[55:58] Wow.

[56:00] We're about to get to the murder, though.

[56:01] What a prude.

[56:02] Look, yeah, well, sorry.

[56:04] Sure.

[56:05] Lynette goes to bed after telling Jackie she wishes they were still friends.

[56:09] She says, you're the only one who never cared about my money.

[56:11] And Simon and Jackie have an argument, and he's really mean to her, and she shoots him in the knee.

[56:15] And she's about to shoot herself, and Rosalie stops her.

[56:17] And Book goes and gets the doctor and the nurse, and they take her to another room and give her a sleeping draught.

[56:24] And the next morning, Louise, the maid, Lynette's assistant, finds Lynette dead in bed, shot very daintily.

[56:31] There's just kind of like a little hole with a little bit of blood spattered around it.

Stuart Wellington

[56:34] And the maid's played by Rose Leslie, who was, what, Ygritte on Game of Thrones, and she's also a time traveler's wife right now on HBO.

Elliott Kalan

[56:43] Right?

[56:44] Is it?

[56:44] Yeah, she's on Time Traveler's wife.

[56:46] Married to Jon Snow.

[56:49] The character?

Stuart Wellington

[56:50] No, the actress married, yeah, the actress married Kit Harington.

[56:55] Okay.

[56:55] No, I didn't realize it, so it was a real dream house situation.

Dan McCoy

[56:57] Yeah.

[56:58] That's good to, okay, I'm, I like knew she had to be someone, but I didn't know.

[57:02] Like, the funny thing, like, whenever I watch a movie with Audrey, she's always like, who's that?

[57:05] And she doesn't mean it in the, like, old person way of, like, they're asking who a character is, who the movie will explain.

[57:13] In a second, who that character is, and, like, if they just wait, she just, she means, like, who's the actor?

[57:18] And, like, you know, it's a reasonable question to ask Dan McCoy human IMDB, but oftentimes, I'm like, I don't know.

Stuart Wellington

[57:25] Nine times out of ten, when I'm like, who's that?

[57:27] Charlene leans over, and she's like, that's Chappie, Stewart.

[57:30] Oh, that is Chappie.

[57:31] He's the name of the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[57:32] I'm like, oh, okay, okay, okay.

[57:34] And we should especially know, because Rose Leslie, this is her second Flophouse appearance.

[57:37] She was also in The Last Witch Hunter, with one Vincent Diesel.

[57:41] Oh, baby!

[57:43] Which we covered years ago, yeah.

[57:45] Oh, mommy!

[57:46] So, anyway, Lynette's dead.

[57:47] We're halfway through the movie, and we finally have our death on the Nile, the first of a couple.

[57:51] Jackie is the obvious suspect, but she was asleep in a Morpheum haze all night, and also the gun went missing after the killing.

[57:58] Simon is distraught, very fakely, and he pleads with Perrault to find the killer.

[58:02] And also, her necklace is missing.

[58:04] This jeweled necklace I forgot, really, to mention, but she has a fancy necklace.

[58:08] Foro investigates, and the maid is like, I was engaged once, and Lynette paid off my fiancé to leave.

[58:14] And she said she was saving me from a man who only cared about money or whatever.

[58:18] And everyone's cabins are searched for the necklace.

[58:20] Foro questions Dr. Windersham right next to Lynette's body in the meat locker of the ship.

[58:24] We spent a lot of time in that meat locker.

[58:27] Which is kind of a hurt locker when Dr. Windersham is there, because he's hurting emotionally.

Dan McCoy

[58:31] And each of these questionings, as we mentioned before, are more in the line of, like, he just seems to pick someone at random and accuse them.

[58:37] And go, why'd you kill Lynette?

[58:38] But I didn't do it.

[58:39] They're like, I didn't.

[58:40] And he's like, okay.

[58:41] And then he moves on to the next part.

Stuart Wellington

[58:41] But they almost always give a speech that explains, it kind of makes you think why they would have done it.

[58:47] And then there's a little twist at the end.

[58:49] And they're like, but actually.

Elliott Kalan

[58:51] Foro is like, can I see, he says to Andrew, can I see the contracts you wanted her to sign?

[58:55] Which is not the right accent either.

[58:57] And he says, and Andrew's like, no.

[59:00] And Perot goes, because the contracts would have given you control of her money.

[59:03] And he's like, how did you know?

[59:06] And Perot's like, it's like, I knew it.

[59:08] And I'm not Perot.

[59:10] It was obvious.

[59:11] But he says, maybe you were stealing from her.

[59:13] You killed her before.

[59:14] She could see it.

[59:15] And Andrew goes, I carry.

[59:17] He goes, if I killed her, I would have killed her with this gun.

[59:19] And pulls out a different gun.

[59:21] Which is wild, dude.

[59:22] Not a good explanation.

[59:23] And it's not a good argument.

[59:24] Hey, I couldn't have killed her with that gun.

[59:26] Because I kill people with this gun.

[59:28] It's like, wait.

[59:29] A gun not like me?

[59:31] Murderer?

[59:32] No, no, no.

[59:33] Or you're like, that can't be my signature.

[59:35] I use this pen.

[59:37] Well, you could have used another pen.

[59:38] Poirot, he deduces that the nursemaid.

Stuart Wellington

[59:40] I got the impression that he pulled out the gun in a way to also kind of end the conversation

Elliott Kalan

[59:45] and be like, let's stop this line of questioning because I have a gun.

[59:49] How would you like to grow a mustache over the other side of your face, buddy?

[59:53] It goes to both sides of the face.

[59:55] That is what a mustache does.

[59:55] Okay, well, I'll give you a scar that you have to grow a beard.

[59:58] I'm trying to make a threat.

[59:59] Just stop talking to me.

[1:00:00] So he goes through all the other ones.

[1:00:02] Anyway, he deduces also very obviously that French and Saunders are lovers.

[1:00:06] They're not really a boss and nurse, but actually lovers and have been for a long time.

[1:00:13] Poirot being the hero, of course, embodies all 21st century progressive values.

[1:00:17] So this doesn't bother him whatsoever.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:18] And Jennifer Saunders has an American accent, but in real life she has an English accent.

[1:00:24] Yes, thank you for pointing that out.

[1:00:26] I appreciate that.

[1:00:26] Add it to the big board.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:28] And eventually we find out that Salome Otterborn carries a gun of the same caliber that killed Lynette.

[1:00:36] Anne Bancroft finds the missing necklace in her things and Paul Moore reveals.

[1:00:40] Annette Bening, right?

[1:00:42] That's what I said.

[1:00:42] Yeah, what did I say?

[1:00:43] He said Ann Bancroft.

[1:00:45] Oh, I'm sorry.

[1:00:46] I meant Annette Bening.

[1:00:46] Ann Bancroft is a different person.

[1:00:47] He gets his ABs mixed up.

[1:00:49] Yeah, that makes sense.

[1:00:50] That makes sense.

[1:00:51] Annette Bening, Ann Bancroft, a bear.

[1:00:53] I get them all mixed up.

[1:00:57] Alec Baldwin.

[1:00:59] I can't tell the difference between Ann Bancroft and Alec Baldwin.

[1:01:01] It's impossible.

[1:01:02] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:03] Alien versus Betteter.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:05] Arby's roast with a little R beef with a big B.

[1:01:08] Aliens versus Betteter, he said.

[1:01:12] Yeah, aliens versus Bette Midler.

[1:01:14] Whoever wins, we lose.

[1:01:16] So Poirot, this is time for him to reveal to Book and Rosalie that he was secretly hired by Annette Bening to investigate Rosalie to see if she's fit for Book, which is something that nothing before this moment has given us any reason to believe.

[1:01:34] But that's fine.

[1:01:34] And he's very flattering.

[1:01:35] He says nothing but nice things about the Otterborns.

[1:01:38] But Ann Bancroft is like, I still disapprove.

[1:01:40] Yeah, it's Annette Bening.

[1:01:42] Yeah.

[1:01:42] I'm sorry.

[1:01:42] I literally wrote it wrong in my notes.

[1:01:45] Annette Bening says, sorry.

[1:01:47] What are some other ABs we can compare it to?

[1:01:49] Hold on.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:52] I don't know.

[1:01:53] ACBC?

[1:01:54] I don't know.

[1:01:55] What's the line?

[1:01:56] ACBC?

[1:01:56] That's the caveman metal band?

[1:01:58] Yeah, sure.

[1:01:58] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:01] That song, you shook me all night long before Christ.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:09] Yeah.

[1:02:09] And so, I mean, Rosalie.

[1:02:12] Because I'm back in furs.

[1:02:15] Caveman.

[1:02:16] Letitia Wright's character is Rosalie.

[1:02:18] Is that the character name?

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:20] Yes.

[1:02:20] Letitia Wright's character is Rosalie.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:22] Yeah, like, she is, look, I know that if you find out that someone has been spying on you, you might be mad.

[1:02:30] But I found it very strange the degree to which they had her character, like, chew out Poirot in a, like, very personal way.

[1:02:38] I don't know.

[1:02:38] Well, that was the one.

[1:02:39] He was incredibly, like, kind when talking to her.

[1:02:43] And he was not the person who, like, Annette Bening is the one who, like, tried to set her up.

[1:02:48] Anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:48] I think you mean Ann Bancroft.

[1:02:50] But I think the, that's the one part that, where the diversity casting worked for me.

[1:02:55] Where she's like, I don't need your approval.

[1:02:57] Like, that, she is not just going to be like, oh, well, you know what, thank you for saying that thing.

[1:03:00] She's like, I've gotten to where I am through my own work.

[1:03:04] I know who I am.

[1:03:05] And I've had to face my share of, this is not what she says, but it's implicit when she's saying, my share of obstacles.

[1:03:10] I don't need you to tell me I'm okay.

[1:03:12] I know I'm good.

[1:03:13] You're like, I like that part of it, you know.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:15] There's certainly that subtext that adds a lot of flavor to the scene.

[1:03:21] It's like the only part of the movie that has subtext.

[1:03:22] So I was, like, greedily slurping it up, you know.

[1:03:25] But, yeah, I don't know.

[1:03:27] The degree to which, like, there has been, like, a personal, like, I think you are a weird, fussy, stuffy man.

[1:03:33] Yeah, she does get a little, she gets a little personal in a way.

[1:03:36] And then Benning was the one who was, like, not approving.

[1:03:39] He loves you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:40] Anyway.

[1:03:40] Hey, look, yeah, he is a weirdo, but still.

[1:03:43] Anyway, also, he's not that weird.

[1:03:44] I think they are, they're all, and.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:46] They're all talking about the other version of Poirot.

[1:03:48] They've all seen.

[1:03:49] Yes.

[1:03:50] They've all seen the other movies, and they're, like.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:52] They're talking about Poirot as if he's, like, what's his name from the Big Bang Theory?

[1:03:58] You know, as if he is, if he's way on the spectrum and has trouble relating socially with other human beings, which is not the case.

[1:04:04] And it feels like the Poirot the movie wants to give us is one that is, like, an eccentric man that doesn't interact well with people.

[1:04:11] But he does.

[1:04:12] He's super charming all the time.

[1:04:13] So it's a very, it's strange for her to talk about him like he's weird.

[1:04:16] Anyway.

[1:04:17] Yeah.

[1:04:18] Anyway, all this argument is interrupted by when they find, bum, bum, bum, the body of Louise, Lynette's maid or assistant or whatever.

[1:04:28] Personal assistant.

[1:04:29] And Andrew accuses the doctor of doing it, and they fight while Poirot goes into a sort of detective fugue where everything gets hazy and he starts seeing clues.

[1:04:38] Like, he enters his memory palace somehow.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:41] And she'd been, her throat had been slashed, and she'd been thrown overboard and had gotten caught in the wheels of the steamship.

[1:04:49] And that's how they found the body.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:50] Almost as bad as if she'd been thrown overboard and lost her memory, and Kurt Russell finds her.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:55] And, you know, now she's got to start a home to life.

[1:04:57] And then he takes advantage of her, basically.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:58] Yeah.

[1:04:59] Yeah.

[1:04:59] And so Poirot and Simon, they interrogate Book.

[1:05:04] And Poirot now spins the tale accusing Book of what was going on.

[1:05:09] And he says, that's crazy.

[1:05:10] But I will admit, I did find Lynette's dead body because I stole the necklace and I witnessed Louise's murder.

[1:05:17] But I don't want it to all come out.

[1:05:19] And he admits that before, and he goes, but if I admit it, what's going to happen?

[1:05:23] And Poirot goes, you'll go to jail for theft.

[1:05:25] And he's like, oh, well, the killer was, and he gets shot from someone far away.

[1:05:30] And Poirot chases the killer and somehow loses them, even though he seems to be two inches behind this killer.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:37] It's basically a scream movie at this point.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:40] It's also like, let's drag out this interrogation for the longest possible amount of time before he actually says who the killer is.

[1:05:47] And Poirot's like, let me say the thing that will make you not want to tell me who did it.

[1:05:54] Like, even if you're going to later on be like, I don't know, maybe you've got to turn yourself in to like, if you're going to give evidence or whatever.

[1:06:02] Like, that's not what you're dwelling on right at that moment.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:04] But if you had built him up as someone who is constitutionally incapable of not following rules of some kind.

[1:06:11] Like, that the law is ironclad for him.

[1:06:14] Like, if you spent less time trying to explain that he's a wounded soul who doesn't trust love and doesn't feel comfortable loving.

[1:06:20] And instead built him up as a man who lives by kind of rules and logic and rationality.

[1:06:24] And so he can't help himself with saying, look, you're my friend.

[1:06:27] You can help me with this mystery.

[1:06:28] But if you stole something, you have to go to jail.

[1:06:30] But still help me.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:31] Well, especially it doesn't make sense considering that, you know, to jump way ahead later on as they're leaving the boat.

[1:06:38] The guy who was like stealing money from Gal Gadot or what, like, he's like, are you going to turn to me?

[1:06:43] And he's like, not as long as you return it.

[1:06:45] Everything's fine.

[1:06:46] Like, it's like, okay, you're going to make that exception for this random guy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:50] He was actually stealing money.

[1:06:52] But you could say that you could say it's because he's learned the lesson of that that his friend has died.

[1:06:57] And so it's like, oh, I was too.

[1:06:59] But that is not a connection.

[1:07:00] It's a strange.

[1:07:00] It's a strange lesson to learn.

[1:07:03] But anyway, Poirot, he finally does it.

[1:07:05] He assembles everyone in one room.

[1:07:07] This is what we've been waiting for the whole time.

[1:07:09] He has a gun in his hand, which he doesn't really do anything with, thankfully.

[1:07:13] And he gets Andrew to admit that Andrew was the one who tried to kill them with those rocks.

[1:07:17] Again, another crime Andrew probably should have to pay for is attempted murder with a huge boulder.

[1:07:21] Yeah.

S2

[1:07:22] I mean, buddy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:23] Not to mention the unconscionable bro crime of coitus interruptus.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:29] But Stuart, what were you going to say?

[1:07:30] Yeah, yeah.

[1:07:31] He's on trial for being a boner killer.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:33] Yeah.

[1:07:34] He goes, you, Andrew, I find you guilty of cock blocking.

[1:07:38] Yeah, yeah.

[1:07:38] This is a very serious crime in France, which is not where I am from.

[1:07:41] I am from Belgium.

[1:07:44] And he reveals that eventually he gets around revealing the most obvious thing, that it was Simon who killed Lynette and Jackie killed the others.

[1:07:53] But when he got shot in the leg.

[1:07:55] It was all an elaborate plot involving a fake bullet and then a real gunshot afterwards.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:00] Staged fight to provide Jackie and him with alibis.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:04] Airtight alibis.

[1:08:06] And they were been working together since the start.

[1:08:09] It was their plan for Simon to seduce Gal Gadot so that they could then kill her and steal her money.

[1:08:15] By far the most obvious solution the movie could have provided.

[1:08:20] It is the most obvious thing.

[1:08:22] And now that they're caught, they have one final hug and Jackie shoots one bullet through both of them.

[1:08:27] So wait.

[1:08:27] Killing them both.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:27] There was a moment of, okay, so the final moment where she's like, but you have no proof.

[1:08:32] And he walks over and he picks up, he says the proof is the handkerchief.

[1:08:38] Yeah.

[1:08:38] Which Armie Hammer had used to muffle the sound of the gunshot when he shot himself in the leg.

[1:08:44] Yeah.

[1:08:45] Had been tossed overboard and was found dredged out of the Nile.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:49] Tossed overboard.

[1:08:50] The handkerchief lost its memory.

[1:08:51] Kurt Russell found it.

[1:08:52] Took advantage of it.

[1:08:52] Yeah, all that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:53] And Poirot says that blood, if left in the water, becomes brown, but this paint becomes pink.

[1:09:02] And he reveals the handkerchief, which is pink, which doesn't make sense to me.

[1:09:06] Because didn't he use the handkerchief to muffle the gunshot to his leg?

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:12] Yeah.

[1:09:12] I think.

[1:09:13] Well, or maybe.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:15] Well.

[1:09:15] Yeah, I don't remember.

[1:09:15] Then it would have been blood.

[1:09:18] Right?

[1:09:18] Unless he bleeds paint, which is possible.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:21] Did he use the.

[1:09:22] Because I think what it is partly is that he used the handkerchief to staunch the bleeding.

[1:09:28] No.

[1:09:28] In the first place, maybe.

[1:09:29] No, because the.

[1:09:30] No, because the.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:30] He did use it as part of his fake thing with paint.

[1:09:35] But Stuart is correct also that there was like a thing about a handkerchief muffling the gun.

[1:09:40] I don't know if that was.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:40] Because he had the.

[1:09:41] The handkerchief was hidden.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:42] Different one, I don't know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:43] He had stolen the handkerchief and then he hid it earlier.

[1:09:47] And he pulled it out when he shot himself in the leg.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:50] Yeah.

[1:09:50] I'm just going to say it's like that wayside school story where the kid counts wrong, but

[1:09:55] he always gets to the right answer.

[1:09:56] They're like, what's three plus five?

[1:09:58] And he's like, three plus five, one, two, eight, nine, seven, six, twelve, eight.

[1:10:02] And like, okay, we got to the right answer, but he used faulty math.

[1:10:05] I think it's the same thing with this.

[1:10:07] As long as Poirot got to the exact right answer that everyone on the boat there.

[1:10:12] And only five people had to die.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:14] I'm just saying if they had pressed him on it, they might not have had to kill themselves.

[1:10:17] Yeah.

[1:10:18] That's true.

[1:10:18] That's a fair point.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:19] That's the other thing.

[1:10:20] They just like wait there for a long time.

[1:10:22] Like no one tries to take the gun away from Jackie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:25] They don't try to escape or anything like that.

[1:10:27] Like, I don't know.

[1:10:28] And Poirot doesn't have like jurisdiction to arrest them.

[1:10:31] Like, I don't, it's, it's also one of those things where it's like, they're killing this

[1:10:36] person.

[1:10:36] They're killing that one.

[1:10:37] Kill Poirot.

[1:10:38] Like kill the guy who you think might solve the mystery.

[1:10:41] Like, and no one cares about him.

[1:10:44] He doesn't have a, like, it's not like anyone on the boat is like, now I'm going to pick

[1:10:47] up the mantle of being the great detective.

[1:10:49] Who could it be?

[1:10:50] Who had a motive to kill Poirot?

[1:10:52] The murderer.

[1:10:53] Now I must solve who the murderer is.

[1:10:54] And then I will know who killed Poirot.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:56] So you're saying when Jackie used that tiny little .22 to snipe Booc in the throat, silencing

[1:11:02] him, she should have just shot Poirot instead.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:05] Since, since the other person in the room was the person she was plotting with and knew

[1:11:09] who the killer was also?

[1:11:11] Yes, exactly.

[1:11:11] She should have shot Poirot and then maybe shot Booc too.

[1:11:14] I don't know.

[1:11:15] Or not.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:15] Because at that point, Booc doesn't have to worry about going to jail.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:19] Yeah.

[1:11:20] And he's terrified that he might also get shot.

[1:11:23] This is just advice from me.

[1:11:24] Again, I don't approve of murder in real life.

[1:11:25] But if you are a character in a murder mystery and the detective is on your trail, kill the

[1:11:30] detective.

[1:11:31] Like that's, I don't know why you're not, you're not solving the problem by killing the witnesses

[1:11:34] that could tell the detective about it.

[1:11:36] Maybe kill them later.

[1:11:37] But kill the detective is your immediate threat.

[1:11:39] So just go after him.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:40] Yeah.

[1:11:41] Boy.

[1:11:41] Although again, he certainly is not, seemed to be working with great speed since three

[1:11:49] characters die before he uncovers the killers who then kill themselves.

[1:11:55] So I guess case closed.

[1:11:57] Good job.

[1:11:57] Very impressive body count there, Jason Voorhees.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:59] But you know that Poirot, then later he goes, he should have gone, yes, technically I figured

[1:12:05] it out before they killed themselves.

[1:12:06] So that goes into the fin pile.

[1:12:08] It's a win.

[1:12:09] Technically, technical win.

[1:12:12] So then later we-

[1:12:13] Should have been called deaths on the Nile.

[1:12:15] Yeah.

[1:12:16] And everyone gets off the boat the next day and they're all super gloomy.

[1:12:20] And Poirot, he can't bring himself to ask Salome out.

[1:12:24] It seems like awkward timing.

[1:12:25] But six months later, we see him at the club watching her rehearse and he doesn't have a

[1:12:30] mustache anymore.

[1:12:31] Oh, maybe he is ready to interface with the world and reveal himself and no longer hide

[1:12:37] behind his questionable gifts as a deducer and his hair on his face.

[1:12:43] Truly a life-changing adventure for Hercule Poirot.

[1:12:47] For the Flophouse, I'm Elliot Kaylin.

[1:12:48] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:49] It's the kind of postscript to a movie where you're like, what?

Dan McCoy

[1:12:53] I guess this movie is like required by law to have some sort of character arc.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:01] So it's two hours long.

[1:13:02] Nobody gives a shit.

[1:13:03] Cut that shit out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:05] Yeah.

[1:13:05] It's nuts.

[1:13:05] Just cut it down.

[1:13:06] All we care about is the mystery.

[1:13:07] Once it's over, we don't care anymore.

[1:13:09] As long-

[1:13:09] I'm just glad they didn't start it with-

[1:13:11] They didn't have-

[1:13:12] And I didn't check the credits to see if there's a post-credits scene or anything.

[1:13:14] That they didn't then like bring in another character at the end to bring him into a new

[1:13:18] mystery and have him look at the camera and go, uh-oh, here we go again.

[1:13:21] You know?

[1:13:22] I'm glad they didn't do that.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:23] Yeah.

[1:13:24] Okay.

[1:13:25] Well, let's do our final judgments.

[1:13:27] Whether this is-

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:28] Poirot, guess what?

[1:13:29] Now there's none.

[1:13:31] You're saying, and then there were none?

[1:13:32] Yes.

[1:13:32] I gotta go investigate.

[1:13:34] I know that's not a Poirot book, but what are you gonna do?

[1:13:36] It's the Agatha Christie verse.

[1:13:37] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:13:38] The cat who solved mysteries.

[1:13:41] No, that's a different author.

[1:13:43] Or that he's sitting at the table and an old woman comes up and she's like,

[1:13:45] it's nice to meet you.

[1:13:46] I've always wanted to meet you, Poirot.

[1:13:47] They call me Marple.

[1:13:49] Bum, bum, bum.

[1:13:50] Like, don't do that in movies.

[1:13:53] Okay, so let's do final judgments.

[1:13:54] We talked a lot about Death on the Nile.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:56] Yeah.

[1:13:56] Whether this is a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, a movie you kinda like.

[1:14:02] Here's the thing, like, whatever.

[1:14:05] You know, whatever.

[1:14:08] This movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:08] Dan, you're really breaking kayfabe on us here.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:11] Well, like, if you...

[1:14:14] Here's the thing.

[1:14:15] Like, here's the tough thing about this.

[1:14:17] Because if you like this kind of movie, this is gonna be acceptable for you.

[1:14:23] Like, you get, like, not...

[1:14:27] I don't know.

[1:14:28] Like, not a pure high.

[1:14:29] This has been cut with a lot of other stuff.

[1:14:32] It's not gonna give you what you want.

[1:14:34] But it's, you know, it's got some of the elements.

[1:14:39] But it's kind of baffling to me that anyone who likes this kind of thing would want this version of this when they're much better versions.

[1:14:47] Like, I didn't mind it.

[1:14:50] Like, I kind of, you know, at an earlier time in my life when I was on, like, summer vacation and was just lying on the couch.

[1:15:00] If this came on, I wouldn't be mad.

[1:15:02] But it's not much of a movie.

[1:15:04] What do you guys have to say?

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:06] Yeah, I think that makes a lot of sense.

[1:15:10] Like, it's almost like if you're a fan of this thing, it's almost like you're a fan of hamburgers, right?

[1:15:16] And you're driving down I-95 and you're like, I couldn't really go for a hamburger right now.

[1:15:20] And you pull in and you go to a Roy Rogers and you get food that is technically a hamburger.

[1:15:28] So I guess you're not wrong, but it's not really the best version of that thing.

[1:15:34] But I guess it's all you got right now.

[1:15:36] So you might as well enjoy your fucking Roy Rogers hamburger, you maniac.

[1:15:42] Wow.

[1:15:43] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:44] Yeah, I mean, I grew up on Roy Rogers fried chicken.

[1:15:48] So I'll just ignore Stuart's Roy Rogers slander.

[1:15:51] Although their hamburger, no, their other products are not great.

[1:15:53] But yeah, it's like this movie is not terrible.

[1:15:57] It's perfectly passable and decent.

[1:15:59] But the amount of talent involved and the resources involved, you wish there was just like something more to it than just kind of like a pretty humdrum, easy to guess mystery that doesn't go anywhere and doesn't – there's no spark to it.

[1:16:12] There's no life or joy to it.

[1:16:13] And you're constantly watching characters dancing to upbeat music or being rich, but there's no fun to it.

[1:16:20] And as I said to my wife when I finished watching it, I'm going to watch a murder mystery.

[1:16:23] I want it to have some fun in it.

[1:16:24] Like life is bleak enough.

[1:16:27] I don't need to watch a movie where someone's murdered and someone figures out who the other person is if there's not something fun or at the very least like exciting or special about it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:35] I feel like if you threw a murder mystery party in your apartment and had your friends come over, you would get at least as good a performance as out of your friends.

[1:16:45] Yeah.

[1:16:46] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:48] Okay.

[1:16:48] They should have called this dinner theater on the aisle.

[1:16:50] I have cool friends, what I'm saying.

[1:16:51] You do have cool friends too.

[1:16:52] Well, your friends are also – you're friends with the Worcester Group, so.

[1:16:56] Yeah.

S5

[1:16:57] Hal Loveland here with breaking news on a revolutionary form of entertainment, professional wrestling.

[1:17:04] For more, we go to our correspondent, Danielle Ramford.

S2

[1:17:07] Professional wrestling is the craze that's sweeping the nation, featuring fisticuffs and colorful costumes.

S5

[1:17:14] But who can help us make sense of this world of body slams?

[1:17:17] Lindsay Kelk has the answer.

S6

[1:17:19] Sources tell us of an amazing podcast called Tights and Fights, filled with discussions of the absurdity of professional wrestling, plus all the sincerity and hilarity that you could shake a stick at.

[1:17:31] Listen to the Tights and Fights podcast every week.

[1:17:34] Find it on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

[1:17:38] And your old-timey radio.

S7

[1:17:42] Hey there, I'm Ellen Weatherford.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:44] And I'm Christian Weatherford.

S7

[1:17:46] And we've got big feelings about animals that we just gotta share.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:50] On Just the Zoo of Us, your new favorite animal review podcast, we're here to critically evaluate how each animal excels and how it doesn't.

[1:17:58] Rating them out of 10 on their effectiveness, ingenuity, and aesthetics.

S7

[1:18:02] Guest experts give you their takes informed by actual, real-life experiences studying and working with very cool animals like sharks, cheetahs, and sea turtles.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:12] It's a field trip to the zoo for your ears.

S7

[1:18:14] So if you or your kids have ever wondered if a pigeon can count, why sloths move so slow, or how a spider sees the world,

[1:18:21] find out with us every Wednesday on Just the Zoo of Us in its natural habitat on MaximumFun.org.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:28] Listen and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts.

[1:18:32] Hey, so this podcast, the one you're listening to now, is sponsored in large part by listeners like you overwhelmingly.

[1:18:44] But we also have some sponsors who have businesses or services.

[1:18:50] This time, Squarespace is happy to help sponsor the Flophouse.

[1:18:56] It's the all-in-one platform for building your brand and growing your business online.

[1:19:00] You can stand out with a beautiful website, engage with your audience, and sell anything, products, content, and even your time with Squarespace.

[1:19:10] You can create pro-level videos effortlessly.

[1:19:14] The Squarespace Video Suite, oh, sorry, Video Studio app helps you make and share engaging videos to tell your story, grow your audience, and drive sales.

[1:19:24] You can sell your products in an online store.

[1:19:26] Whether you sell physical or digital products, Squarespace has tools you need to start selling online.

[1:19:32] And all Squarespace websites are optimized for mobile.

[1:19:36] Content automatically adjusts so your site looks great on any device.

[1:19:42] Head to squarespace.com slash flop for a free trial.

[1:19:46] And when you're ready to launch, use offer code FLOP, that's F-L-O-P, to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[1:19:59] That's that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:01] I would tell our audience to do it.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:03] Yeah.

[1:20:03] Well, I did.

[1:20:05] Yeah, you just did that.

[1:20:06] I did do it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:06] And I approve of that.

[1:20:07] Yeah.

[1:20:08] Yeah.

[1:20:08] Unlike Dan, I'd say go use that product.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:10] Hey, Elliot, do you want to quick reiterate about the live show, maybe?

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:15] You got it.

[1:20:16] For anyone who didn't remember what I said earlier, that we're doing a live show.

[1:20:19] It's our first live show in about two years.

[1:20:21] That's right.

[1:20:21] We haven't performed in front of a live audience in two years.

[1:20:23] And you get to be there for it if you're in the Brooklyn area.

[1:20:25] That's August 7th, Sunday, August 7th, at the Bell House in Brooklyn.

[1:20:30] You know it, our old stomping grounds.

[1:20:31] It's a great venue.

[1:20:32] We love being there.

[1:20:33] We've had so many fun shows there.

[1:20:34] And we're so looking forward to this show.

[1:20:36] We're going to be talking about Morbius.

[1:20:38] We're morbing it up over at the Morb House at the Bell House.

[1:20:41] And it's going to be super fun.

[1:20:43] So for tickets, just go to thebellhausny.com and look up August 7th on their calendar for

[1:20:50] the Flophouse.

[1:20:51] That's going to be Sunday, August 7th, at 7.30 p.m. at the Bell House in Brooklyn, talking

[1:20:56] Morbius, along with all other sorts of fun Flophouse stuff.

[1:20:59] And remember, this is your chance to be in the Flophouse, because we do a live Q&A during

[1:21:05] the show where people get up and ask questions.

[1:21:07] You got a question?

[1:21:07] Come on down to Brooklyn and ask us, and we'll do our best to answer it.

[1:21:11] But we'll probably do a lot of like, hmm, huh, hmm, beforehand.

[1:21:14] So that's the Flophouse talking Morbius at the Bell House, August 7th.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:18] Remember, you can't spell us without Morbius.

[1:21:23] Wait.

[1:21:24] You can't spell Morbius without us.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:28] Hey, there's no I in Morbius, Dan.

[1:21:30] Oh, wait a second.

[1:21:31] Hold on.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:33] If you want more BS, come to Morbius.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:36] Now you got it.

[1:21:37] Okay, good.

[1:21:38] That was good workshopping.

[1:21:39] Yeah.

[1:21:40] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:41] Hey, we also get letters.

[1:21:43] Why don't we talk about some of those?

[1:21:44] Hey, fuck it.

[1:21:45] Why not?

[1:21:45] Let's go crazy.

[1:21:46] Let's go nuts.

[1:21:49] This one, I can't find.

[1:21:52] I'm sorry.

[1:21:53] I'm really sorry.

[1:21:54] Okay, I guess Elliot and I will vamp.

[1:21:56] So what's new with your kids, dude?

[1:21:57] No, no, no, no.

[1:21:57] I looked for it.

[1:21:59] I cannot find it.

[1:22:00] That's why I'm...

[1:22:01] But anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:01] This is what's called an unforced error where a letter that nobody knew about ahead of time

Dan McCoy

[1:22:06] can't be found.

[1:22:07] Yeah.

[1:22:08] No, no.

[1:22:08] I have the letter.

[1:22:09] I'm sorry.

[1:22:09] I can't find the name of the person who sent it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:12] Oh.

[1:22:13] It's not on the letter?

Dan McCoy

[1:22:14] I don't need to talk about my whole workflow to you.

[1:22:19] I just don't have it.

[1:22:20] Anyway, here we go.

[1:22:22] On a recent road trip to the mountains, my oldest kiddo mentioned how much she's grown

[1:22:27] to love the Flophouse theme.

[1:22:29] It's not that she listens to you guys, but rather it's because the Flophouse is my default

[1:22:33] podcast of choice when we're on a long trip, and now that Diddy has become the theme song

[1:22:38] to our family travels.

[1:22:40] As the Great American Road Trip is a fairly universal experience for many kids, what was

[1:22:45] the song or songs that you most associated with those hot summer days spent in the backs

[1:22:50] of overpacked cars from your childhoods?

[1:22:54] Apologies for not having a movie question.

[1:22:55] That's fine.

[1:22:56] All the best.

[1:22:57] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:58] Well, he mentioned those summer days, Dan.

[1:23:00] Let's also not forget those summer nights.

[1:23:04] Oh, shit.

[1:23:07] Tell me more.

[1:23:08] Tell me more about the songs you listen to in the car.

[1:23:11] Tell me more.

[1:23:11] Tell me more about the songs you listen to driving far.

[1:23:14] Uh-huh.

[1:23:15] Uh-huh.

[1:23:16] Uh-huh.

[1:23:17] Uh-huh.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:18] Yeah.

[1:23:19] Dan?

[1:23:20] My parents had a best of Billy Joel that they played a lot while I was in the back listening

[1:23:28] to a weird conglomeration of early cassette tapes of mine.

[1:23:32] I had perhaps the oddest one was that I had the Nutcracker Suite and would love to listen

[1:23:41] to that a lot.

[1:23:42] A lot.

[1:23:42] I mean, that's not a lot at all.

[1:23:43] It's beautiful music, Dan.

[1:23:44] No, but I mean, you don't think of kids being like, let me put in my Nutcracker Suite tape.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:49] That reminds, Dan, but that reminds me of, I mean, I do.

[1:23:52] I love the Nutcracker run as a kid and we listen to it all the time.

[1:23:54] But that reminded me of my first year at the dramatic writing program at NYU.

[1:24:01] One of my fellow students, who I will not name, but he's a lovely person, the teacher

[1:24:05] was like, tell me some of your guilty pleasures.

[1:24:07] What kind of movies do you watch as guilty pleasures?

[1:24:09] And he was like, well, I love Five Easy Pieces.

[1:24:11] And it was like, well, I don't think you understood the question, sir.

[1:24:14] Yeah.

[1:24:15] No, he's a good guy.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:16] But I also had a couple other ones I had early on, early cassettes of mine, were

[1:24:21] the B-52s, not one of their early, better known ones.

[1:24:26] I had Good Stuff, sort of their last gasp of having an MTV hit.

[1:24:32] And I had the Wayne's World soundtrack.

[1:24:35] Whoa.

[1:24:36] Does that make me cooler, Stuart?

[1:24:38] A lot of metal songs on the Wayne's World soundtrack.

[1:24:39] No, you're super cool.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:40] Yeah, you're the coolest dude in the world.

[1:24:41] Hey, guys.

[1:24:42] Hey, everyone who's listening.

[1:24:44] Dan's pretty fucking cool.

[1:24:45] Okay.

[1:24:45] Why don't you calm down?

[1:24:46] Yeah, chill out.

[1:24:47] Let's see.

[1:24:48] With my parents, it would kind of depend on if it was my mom driving or my dad.

[1:24:53] We did do, I did do a lot of road trips as a kid because I played on a youth soccer team.

[1:24:58] And our club team would play in soccer tournaments all around the Indiana State area.

[1:25:07] My mother would usually play the Rocky Horror Picture Show tape, which I loved and would sing

[1:25:14] along to.

[1:25:15] And my dad's big one would be like, I always think of like Bob Seger.

[1:25:21] That's like dad music, right?

[1:25:23] Bob Seger.

[1:25:24] Sure, sure.

[1:25:24] Totally is.

[1:25:24] Yeah.

[1:25:26] Yeah.

[1:25:26] Old time rock and roll and all that kind of shit.

[1:25:30] Against the wind.

[1:25:31] Against the wind.

[1:25:32] Hell yeah.

[1:25:33] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:34] Elliot?

[1:25:35] Well, it's funny that you mentioned Billy Joel because certainly my family listened to Billy

[1:25:40] Joel a lot growing up in New Jersey.

[1:25:42] And we'd go on long trips, but for whatever reason, the album they played the most was Stormfront.

[1:25:46] So like Downeaster, Alexa and stuff, that's tied my mind to memories of being in the car

[1:25:52] for long trips.

[1:25:53] But whenever we started a trip, we had to start with our trip starting song.

[1:25:57] It was never called that.

[1:25:58] It's the song my dad would play, which was the final countdown by Europe.

[1:26:02] Really?

[1:26:03] Yeah, when we'd start on a drive, that's what he would play, and then immediately take the

[1:26:07] tape out, not interested in any other songs that Europe has to offer.

[1:26:10] And then the Billy Joel would get pumped in.

[1:26:13] And the other one is The Best of Queen.

[1:26:15] That was a big tape.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:17] Yeah, I could see that.

[1:26:18] Yeah.

[1:26:20] Hey, here's another letter from a listener.

[1:26:23] This one I do have.

[1:26:24] It's from Rick, last name withheld, who writes,

[1:26:27] Your night of the juggler minisode made me think of my wedding.

[1:26:32] My wife was born and raised in the Bronx, and we were married in the church she'd gone to

[1:26:38] since she was a child.

[1:26:40] I, on the other hand, was born and raised deep upstate, and 70s and 80s portrayals of the

[1:26:46] Bronx, like Night of the Juggler, had my relatives believing they were braving an apocalyptic

[1:26:50] hellscape to attend.

[1:26:52] Now, this was in 2003, but to be fair to them, even now I can't immediately call to mind a

[1:26:58] fictional Bronx that is not a lawless wasteland or gangster incubator.

[1:27:03] They were surprised to learn the Bronx has many non-hellscape neighborhoods, and it is possible to spend

[1:27:09] quite a lot of time there and never see a burned out building or a baseball fury.

[1:27:14] My question is, have you ever been surprised to visit a place and find it didn't match the image that

[1:27:20] fiction had planted in your head?

[1:27:21] Keep it floppy.

[1:27:22] Rick, last name withheld.

[1:27:24] I'll quickly say, just off the top, because mine is not interesting because it's basically

[1:27:29] the same one, as someone who grew up in the Midwest and who grew up in the 80s and saw all

[1:27:38] of these 70s versions of New York.

[1:27:41] By the time I made it here, I, you know, out of college, came here, I had assumed it was

[1:27:48] going to be, yeah, the hellscape that was painted to me all my life.

[1:27:55] And instead, I'm like, oh, this is like a very nice collection of neighborhoods.

[1:28:00] Like, nothing, nothing, nothing in that is accurate anymore.

[1:28:06] I mean, many of the things were never accurate.

[1:28:08] There were not all that many baseball furies roaming the streets at any point.

[1:28:12] But what do you guys have?

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:14] Even in the Warriors, there's a pretty small number of baseball furies.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:16] There's just a few baseball furies overall.

[1:28:18] Yeah.

[1:28:19] Like nine.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:21] Yeah.

[1:28:21] I mean, the, yeah, I never, I was disappointed to see that I didn't have a good view of the

[1:28:28] Canadian mountains from the Bronx.

[1:28:31] Yeah.

[1:28:32] Yeah.

[1:28:34] I don't know.

[1:28:35] Like, I feel like, man, like New York's such a boring answer, but it's kind of true.

[1:28:43] Like, I moved, I first moved to Brooklyn and I assumed it was going to be this like tough

[1:28:47] place.

[1:28:48] And it was just kind of a quiet little neighborhood.

[1:28:52] Yeah.

[1:28:53] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:55] For me, so there was, so Dan and Stuart know about this and I'm not sure I, I don't know

[1:29:00] how much I.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:01] I mean, I went to, I went to Mexico and it wasn't all sepia toned.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:04] Yeah.

[1:29:05] They had other colors there.

[1:29:06] And it was, well, similarly, so in 2013, I went, I was part of a daily show USO tour

[1:29:14] of Afghanistan.

[1:29:15] And I've, Dan and Stuart, I'm sure are aware of this, but, but I don't know if I've ever

[1:29:18] mentioned it before on the podcast.

[1:29:19] I possibly have.

[1:29:20] Yeah.

[1:29:20] Like, and it was very much, it was very eyeopening to see not just that Afghanistan is a very different

[1:29:26] place than movies would have you believe.

[1:29:28] Like the movies would have you believe that it is a place that only exists for American soldiers

[1:29:32] to show up and constantly be blown up or disillusioned about life.

[1:29:37] And that the country itself doesn't have its own things or people that live their own lives

[1:29:42] and are not, that the country was not designed just so that foreign countries could come and

[1:29:47] have wars there and then leave.

[1:29:49] But also that life in a war zone was very different than movies lead you to believe it is.

[1:29:54] And like that the movies, because they want to be exciting, I guess they lead you to believe

[1:29:59] that you, it is just constant danger and constant, constant action and constant, you know,

[1:30:04] either horror or thrills.

[1:30:06] But really it's a lot of, um, people spend an awful lot of time sitting around waiting.

[1:30:11] And it's, uh, there's more of a kind of soul killing aspect of it in that way in, uh,

[1:30:16] even in the moments where there aren't action.

[1:30:18] But it was just a really amazing experience.

[1:30:20] And it made me wish that someday I'd like to go back in a, you know, in more of a peaceful

[1:30:26] traveler sort of way, because it's a beautiful country.

[1:30:29] And in the movies, I feel like any place America goes for war is presented as inherently sinister

[1:30:34] or at the very least, uh, strange and, and incomprehensible.

[1:30:40] Uh, whereas in Afghanistan, it was very easy to see kind of like the beauty of the place and,

[1:30:44] and of the people there that I got to direct with.

[1:30:46] And it was really fantastic.

[1:30:48] So it's a place that hopefully I'll get to go someday just on a regular trip.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:53] So let us move on to our last, uh, section of the show, which is recommendations, movies

[1:30:59] that might be a better use of your time than, uh, the one we watched for the podcast.

[1:31:05] Debatable.

[1:31:07] Well, yeah, debatable.

[1:31:08] I'm going to, uh, speaking of which, I'm going to offer a qualified recommendation for

[1:31:11] something that I saw that like basically is...

[1:31:14] It's called Death on the Nile.

[1:31:16] No.

[1:31:17] I mean, it was, in a way, it's the opposite of Death on the Nile because Death on the Nile

[1:31:22] feels, uh, like such a straight down the middle pitch.

[1:31:27] And this is, uh, one of the weirder movies I've seen.

[1:31:30] But, um, my qualified recommendation is for a movie called Mad God, which is available on

[1:31:37] Shudder right now.

[1:31:39] Uh, it is a movie made by, uh, special effects artist Phil Tippett, who did it.

[1:31:45] Uh, you know, it originated as like a short that he did a long ago, and then he expanded

[1:31:49] it over the years through crowdfunding.

[1:31:52] And now it is a full feature that is available, uh, for viewing, but it is not a feature with

[1:32:01] a clear narrative of any kind.

[1:32:03] There are, there's like a story I guess you could tease out if you wanted to, especially

[1:32:08] if you read about it.

[1:32:09] But it is really kind of just a descent into some sort of dystopian hellscape, uh, mostly

[1:32:18] done through stop motion.

[1:32:20] There are a few actual humans in it, but, uh, and I don't think there's any dialogue in

[1:32:27] it.

[1:32:28] Um, yeah, my, my qualified part of this qualified recommendation is I will say, um, as much as

[1:32:37] I admire it for, uh, sticking to its artistic guns, like it has no narrative drive to pull

[1:32:45] you through.

[1:32:45] So even though you're seeing the most amazing, strange things you could hope to see,

[1:32:50] it can get boring.

[1:32:52] Like, uh, but, um, so maybe, you know, I would recommend watching it in, I don't know, 30

[1:33:01] minute chunks.

[1:33:01] However you long, you like to enjoy your non-narrative weird cinema.

[1:33:07] Uh, but I still wanted to recommend it because it is a singular movie.

[1:33:14] It is a movie that is definitely one very talented man's vision, uh, that is largely uncompromised

[1:33:22] by anything else.

[1:33:23] Um, so if you're, if that makes you curious, give it a watch, know that there's some very

[1:33:30] gross, disturbing stuff within.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:33] Yeah.

[1:33:34] I've been meaning to check it out.

[1:33:35] A lot of people ask me about it and I just haven't gotten around to it, but that is a

[1:33:38] solid, uh, qualified recommendation.

[1:33:40] I'm going to recommend a movie unqualified.

[1:33:44] Uh, I'm, I'm going to recommend, uh, a movie by, uh, a favorite here at the flop house,

[1:33:51] Mr. Michael man.

[1:33:53] That's because he's a human and that's what his last name is.

[1:33:56] Oh, I see.

[1:33:57] He was beaten by a Michael.

[1:33:58] Yeah.

[1:33:58] I'm going to recommend his movie, Miami Vice, uh, that is part of his like digital video era,

[1:34:05] also known as his Chris Cornell era, uh, where Michael Mann made a bunch of movies that are

[1:34:12] using digital video that both like, to me look both a little bit ugly, but also kind of beautiful

[1:34:18] in a way that I don't see a lot of other, like, I don't feel like any other, uh, like auteur,

[1:34:24] I guess, or like marquee filmmakers embrace digital video like Michael Mann did with Miami Vice

[1:34:31] and like collateral.

[1:34:32] And public enemies.

[1:34:33] And public enemies, uh, to a lesser degree public enemies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:38] I mean, it's, it's, it's very digital video.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:40] Yeah.

[1:34:41] But I mean, uh, the general quality of the movie to me is, I'm, I'm just, yeah, I'm just going

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:45] into the digital video aspect.

[1:34:46] I don't think it's particularly good.

[1:34:47] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:48] Elliot is exclusively splitting hairs.

[1:34:49] Um, the, uh, Miami Vice, I remember.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:52] And what do, what do men have on them?

[1:34:54] Hairs.

[1:34:55] Just like Michael Mann is a man.

[1:34:56] Yeah, Elliot is, yeah, Elliot.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:57] Full circle.

[1:34:58] Yep.

[1:34:59] It works.

[1:35:00] It all works, guys.

[1:35:02] You know, Miami Vice is a movie, like, I feel like a lot of Michael Mann movies when

[1:35:07] I first encounter him, it, uh, it didn't quite click with me and maybe it was where I was

[1:35:13] at in life.

[1:35:14] And, uh, but seeing it again now, uh, it again, like it looks beautiful.

[1:35:19] The performances are great.

[1:35:21] Uh, it manages to be sexy in a way that I find a lot of Michael Mann movies are not.

[1:35:26] Like, I feel like the love story in the movie works a lot better than some of the other romances

[1:35:31] in his movies.

[1:35:31] I mean, the sexy speedboat situation is amazing.

[1:35:35] And of course, when Colin Farrell explains that he's a fiend for mojitos, oh man, what a movie.

[1:35:40] Um, and there's like, there's this, like, there's beautiful moments of like, like lightning being

[1:35:46] caught, like in the background that like, they couldn't have planned that shit.

[1:35:49] It just, it's there and it looks great.

[1:35:51] Uh, yeah, it's, uh, it's a cool movie.

[1:35:54] It's, it's long, but, uh, yeah, it's a great little movie.

[1:35:57] Check it out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:59] And I'm going to recommend a movie, uh, watching this movie of which is not murder on the Orient

[1:36:04] Express, but is related to murder on the Orient Express.

[1:36:07] It reminded me of a movie that involves a murder on a different train, uh, the trans-Siberian

[1:36:12] rail, Siberian railway that I, uh, that I wanted to recommend.

[1:36:16] Uh, and that movie is called Horror Express.

[1:36:18] This is for 1972 and it stars Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing.

[1:36:22] And the poster says Tally Savalas, but he doesn't really show up until the, like the last

[1:36:26] third of the movie and he doesn't do very much, but, uh, it starts out.

[1:36:29] Uh, it's a movie set in the early 20th century and, uh, Christopher Lee has found a sort of

[1:36:34] frozen primitive humanoid in the, uh, Himalayas and he brings it with him and it appears that

[1:36:40] it is, uh, getting out of its case and murdering people on this train.

[1:36:43] But the real explanation is much stranger.

[1:36:47] Uh, and so it's a, it's a real fun movie.

[1:36:50] It's a little silly, but, uh, it really, as opposed to Death on the Nile, it really goes

[1:36:55] in directions you don't necessarily expect it to when it first starts up.

[1:36:58] And it's just fun.

[1:36:59] It's great to see Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing, uh, doing a movie together.

[1:37:02] Always.

[1:37:03] This is not a Hammer film, but it feels like a Hammer film because those two guys, those

[1:37:06] two guys are in it.

[1:37:07] So that's Horror Express.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:09] Sounds good.

[1:37:10] Three, three great recommendations.

[1:37:11] Three great recommendations.

[1:37:13] Uh, well that must...

Dan McCoy

[1:37:14] Three unqualified recommendations.

[1:37:15] No, no, no.

[1:37:17] Uh, hey, that, that means that it's the end of the show.

[1:37:20] But before we go, just a little business.

[1:37:23] Uh, if you've got a moment, go to iTunes, leave us a review to help spread the word of

[1:37:27] the show or tweet about it.

[1:37:29] You know, this is a movie, this is a podcast that this summer, at the end of the summer

[1:37:33] will be 15 years old.

[1:37:35] And, uh, you know, podcasts tend to plateau.

[1:37:38] Sometimes hard to, uh, build an audience.

[1:37:40] If you want to do something that costs you nothing, but helps us, uh, out, you know, let people

[1:37:46] know about the show, uh, one way or another, uh, you can follow us at the Flophouse Pod

[1:37:52] on Twitter and at the Flophouse Podcast on Instagram.

[1:37:57] Uh, we have a YouTube channel, the Flophouse Podcast.

[1:38:01] Uh, if you go to FlophousePodcast.com, you can find links to the live show.

[1:38:07] You can find links to merch, you can, uh, you know, I don't know, read about us, see a

[1:38:12] photo.

[1:38:12] I don't know.

[1:38:13] What do you want to do?

[1:38:14] We're a member of the Maximum Fun Network.

[1:38:16] There's only so much there.

[1:38:17] There's only so much.

[1:38:18] It's a, you know, it's really just a way to have this podcast.

[1:38:21] Go to MaximumFun.org to check out all the great podcasts on our network.

[1:38:27] Uh, even though he's not producing this episode, um, thank you to our producer, Alex Smith.

[1:38:33] Please come back soon at HowellDotty on Twitter.

[1:38:36] Uh, but until next time, I have been Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:40] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:38:42] And I'm Elliot Kalin saying, join us for more mystery, madness, and murder on another episode

[1:38:49] of the Flophouse.

[1:38:50] I can't promise that any of those three things are going to be in the next episode, but you

[1:38:54] never know.

[1:38:58] I mean, the, the, the, the other, the, the other thing I could be brutally honest, I

[1:39:01] could be like the movie that dares you to give a shit.

[1:39:13] Anyway.

Dan McCoy

[1:39:13] And how, and what about the vibes over there?

[1:39:16] The vibes?

[1:39:16] Well, I get to feel there might be a vibe shift soon.

[1:39:20] But right now the vibes are pretty good.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:23] MaximumFun.org.

S8

[1:39:24] Comedy and culture.

[1:39:26] Artist owned.

[1:39:27] Audience supported.

Episode #373 - Death on the Nile

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