Episode #374 - Firestarter (2022)

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Firestarter.

Elliott Kalan

[0:03] That's right, Firestarter, the movie that dares to...

[0:07] Firestarter.

Dan McCoy

[0:13] He's so cute when he sleeps.

[0:16] Because it was so boring.

[0:18] Yeah.

[0:30] Firestarter.

[0:45] Hey, everyone.

[0:47] Welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:48] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:49] Hey, it's me, Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:52] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:54] And two of the three of us are not in our normal location.

[0:57] Listeners, can you guess who it is?

Dan McCoy

[0:59] Can you figure it out?

[1:01] Can you figure it out?

[1:02] We gave you all the clues, Mr. Policeman.

[1:04] It's impossible.

[1:05] We gave you none of the clues.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06] Do the math, baby.

[1:08] So, what do we do on this here podcast?

Elliott Kalan

[1:11] The answer was me and Stuart.

[1:13] Me and Stuart are in different places.

[1:15] Yeah.

[1:15] Yeah, I'm recording from my bedroom.

[1:18] Mm-hmm.

[1:19] Oh, and Elliot, where are you?

[1:20] And I'm recording from my in-law's garage.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23] Uh-huh.

[1:23] The two sexiest places I can think of.

Dan McCoy

[1:27] I'm recording...

[1:28] They're both places where magic happens.

[1:29] I'm recording from the same place in, you know, sort of spatially, but mentally, maybe a different place.

[1:38] Because, guys, this week, the COVID came for me.

[1:41] The COVID hit me.

[1:43] Oh, no.

[1:44] Oh, I'm pretending I didn't know that already.

[1:45] Oh, that's terrible.

[1:46] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:47] Yeah.

[1:48] No, I just want to suck up the sympathy because...

[1:51] Guys, I've only...

[1:54] I haven't seen anyone, you know.

[1:56] I need whatever sympathy I can get from you two.

[2:00] Yeah.

[2:00] Anyway.

[2:00] Yeah.

[2:01] It's not...

[2:01] You know, it's okay.

Elliott Kalan

[2:02] Dan, I think the hardest part was...

[2:03] You mentioned to me that you lost your sense of smell, and I just feel like now you're not

[2:07] going to know what The Rock is cooking, which is just terrible.

[2:09] I know.

[2:09] True.

[2:10] You can't smell what The Rock is cooking.

[2:12] You won't know what it is.

[2:13] Is it bouillabaisse?

[2:14] You don't know.

[2:15] Yeah.

[2:16] Is it beef wellington?

Dan McCoy

[2:17] We don't know.

[2:18] It could be one big egg.

[2:20] You don't know.

[2:21] It's one big ostrich egg.

Stuart Wellington

[2:23] If The Rock wants to pick me up and wrap me up in, what, phyllo dough, puff pastry, and

[2:28] cook me?

[2:29] Yeah.

[2:29] Why not?

[2:30] Let's do it.

[2:31] Let's go nuts.

Dan McCoy

[2:31] Well, I can think of at least one reason why not, but...

[2:35] Yeah, we take a lot of puff pastry.

[2:36] Don't do that, Mr. The Rock.

[2:37] True.

[2:38] Thank you.

[2:38] I have been expanding.

[2:39] That stuff ain't cheap.

[2:42] It is vegan, though.

[2:43] Did you know that puff pastry is vegan because it's...

[2:46] Yeah, but then when you wrap beef in it, it doesn't really...

Elliott Kalan

[2:49] It stops being vegan at that point.

Elliott Kalan

[2:51] It's a stew beef.

Dan McCoy

[2:53] Yeah.

[2:54] Well, as you can tell, I'm on the mend.

[2:57] I'm still pretty tired, but I'm not doing too poorly, so don't...

[3:02] Did you get your taste and smell back yet, buddy?

[3:05] I think I feel like I'm smelling things a bit more today, although Audrey earlier was like,

[3:12] could you close the garbage?

[3:14] Do you not smell that?

[3:16] And I just like...

[3:17] You know, I just kind of reflexively said, yeah, oh yeah, I smell.

[3:21] Because, you know, I've just been told to do something reasonable, close the garbage by my wife.

[3:26] But that was a lie.

[3:27] So I say, yes.

Elliott Kalan

[3:28] Even though a marriage is built on honest communication, you lied to her and said you did smell the garbage.

Dan McCoy

[3:34] Yeah.

[3:35] Well, that was like kind of a greasing the wheels thoughtless, like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[3:38] And then she's like, I asked because of your COVID.

[3:43] And I'm like, oh, you know what?

[3:45] I can't smell it.

[3:46] Oh, okay.

[3:47] That garbage stank.

Stuart Wellington

[3:49] Or did you get mad at her to mirror the relationship dynamic of the boy and girl in the opening of Gyo,

[3:56] the Junji Ito graphic novel, where she is bothered by the death stench creeps.

[4:01] And he is like, what's wrong with you?

[4:03] Little do we know, she ends up dying horribly.

[4:06] And he just runs around with all these death stench creeps running around.

[4:10] You know what I'm talking about?

[4:12] We don't.

[4:13] I do not.

Elliott Kalan

[4:15] So they're fish that are walking around on mechanical legs.

[4:19] I want to hear more about this.

[4:21] I just want to plant the image in our listeners' minds of when Dan said that he had not smelled the garbage,

[4:28] I imagined Audrey saying, Dan, can you close the garbage?

[4:30] Don't you smell that?

[4:31] And him looking down and realizing he was eating out of the garbage can at that moment with a fork and a knife just sitting in front of the TV?

Dan McCoy

[4:38] It was like the Lost Boys when I looked down and I was eating maggots.

[4:42] Oh, okay.

[4:43] I see.

[4:43] It was delicious fried rice, but it was maggots.

Elliott Kalan

[4:45] Or like Hook, suddenly you noticed that there was, now that you had the power of imagination again, you saw the garbage in there.

[4:50] Whereas before, when you were a grown-up with no imagination, it was empty.

Dan McCoy

[4:54] So let's talk about a piece of media that we all saw.

[4:57] What do we do on this podcast?

[4:58] Yeah, what do we do on this podcast?

Stuart Wellington

[5:00] It's interesting that we're comparing Lost Boys and Hook because they both have Peter Pan references.

Dan McCoy

[5:06] This is a podcast where we watch a movie that was a critical or a commercial flop, and then we talk about it.

[5:14] And Firestarter certainly is both.

Elliott Kalan

[5:17] And we occasionally provide a forum for people's feelings about Topeka, Kansas.

[5:21] Occasionally.

Dan McCoy

[5:22] Yeah, not as much in the last few episodes, but very much for a few episodes before that.

[5:30] This was a movie that was released to theaters.

[5:34] We saw it on Peacock where it was released to streaming, I think at the same time.

[5:41] A real show of confidence that, yeah, I think it's borne out by the movie, but we can talk about it.

[5:48] So wait, it was released in actual movie theaters.

[5:51] I think that one could, you know, one could at one time go to a movie theater and say, I would like two tickets, please, for Firestarter 2022 starring Zac Efron.

[6:05] I think what Dan's – it's hard for me to imagine the situation.

[6:08] The person, the ticket taker said, are you sure?

[6:12] Are you sure you don't have COVID and you want to go home?

[6:17] Light out.

Elliott Kalan

[6:19] Is it possible that you can't smell this movie a block away?

[6:22] Sure.

[6:23] And know not to see it?

[6:25] When Dan says release in theaters, maybe he just means that nowadays with people's home television and streaming setups and stereo,

[6:32] what's the difference between home viewing and stereo viewing anymore?

[6:35] And theater viewing, you know?

[6:37] What's the difference now?

[6:38] There is none.

[6:39] Right, Dan?

[6:39] That's what you meant?

[6:40] Yeah.

[6:41] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[6:42] I believe also when you went up to the ticket taker, you said, could I buy two tickets?

[6:47] Now, I was wondering, you're charging me full –

[6:50] To Paradise.

[6:51] Okay.

[6:52] We're doing a different bit.

[6:53] Okay.

[6:53] That's fine.

[6:54] So what do we do on this podcast?

Elliott Kalan

[6:56] No, no, no.

[6:57] I mean, I did that.

[6:58] I mean, we do pretty much what we're doing now is we each have a different bit that we stampede over the other one with.

Dan McCoy

[7:04] Yeah, here's the thing.

[7:05] I'm – are we doing something new where we, like, wait for one another's bits?

[7:09] Because I've been trained by Elliot to just jump in with whatever bit I have at any point.

[7:16] You're finally learning.

[7:16] You're finally learning, and I'm very proud of you, Dan.

[7:18] And then he will continue with his bit.

[7:20] But you're taking the bit and going home, it seems like.

[7:24] So now Stuart is looking at his phone.

Elliott Kalan

[7:27] Someone goes to the theater.

[7:28] They ask for two tickets to Firestarter.

Stuart Wellington

[7:30] And the person says, oh, this is actually streaming exclusively on Peacock, and it's registering at 11% on Rotten Tomatoes.

[7:37] And you're like, I guess whatever.

[7:39] Fuck it.

[7:39] So the movie opens with a baby sucking on a tit.

[7:42] Oh, okay.

[7:43] We see this couple with a baby.

[7:45] We get some baby-eye view perspective.

[7:48] Then the baby uses power.

[7:49] What is this movie called?

[7:50] Lactation Starter?

[7:51] What's going on here?

[7:52] Exactly.

[7:53] Well, we actually – the fire starts pretty quick because the baby looks at the mobile, and then all of a sudden it catches on fire.

[7:59] No, wait.

[7:59] That's just a bad dream.

[8:00] And the dad, Zac Efron, is having.

[8:02] And now if that's a dad bod, sign me up.

[8:05] Look at those abs.

[8:06] Dad with abs.

[8:08] Do not trust a grown man with abs, let me tell you.

[8:11] Okay.

[8:11] Or was it all a dream?

[8:13] So Zac Efron's a dad with abs.

[8:14] What?

[8:15] He's concerned with his daughter, Charlie.

[8:17] A dad's, if you will.

[8:18] He's concerned about his daughter, Charlie.

[8:21] She has her own concerns about using powers or something.

[8:25] So he tries to distract her by looking at different things around the room.

[8:29] Kind of like a Kaiser Soze exercise, right?

[8:34] Where you just look around and name things from around the room.

Dan McCoy

[8:37] This is an actual anti-anxiety exercise, though.

[8:41] Just to – like it's supposed to ground you in the place and current moment that you're in to just sort of look around and name things.

[8:50] So I assume that like the idea is, yeah, yeah, she's calming herself down by doing this.

[9:00] Not knowing that as people, you know, who, I don't know, don't look into anxiety techniques might not is kind of an odd thing to happen.

Stuart Wellington

[9:12] Yep.

[9:13] Yeah.

[9:14] I'm guessing, yeah, I was born out of actual research into anti-anxiety stuff.

[9:19] And not one viewing of the usual suspects.

[9:23] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[9:24] Let's see.

[9:25] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[9:25] Watching the usual suspects is a big part of anti-anxiety therapy, though.

Stuart Wellington

[9:29] It's pretty stressful.

[9:31] So we get some opening credits.

Elliott Kalan

[9:32] Especially when there's so much Kevin Spacey on screen, which is extremely anxiety-inducing.

Stuart Wellington

[9:36] The opening credits are played over kind of like a grainy interview of both Zac Efron and the actress who plays the mom of this baby.

[9:49] So dad and mom.

[9:50] But back when they were in college.

[9:51] So they have like facial hair and stuff.

Dan McCoy

[9:53] That's Sidney Lemon is the actress.

Stuart Wellington

[9:54] Sidney Lemon.

[9:55] Sidney Lumet.

[9:57] Interesting.

Elliott Kalan

[9:57] You may not remember her from the series Hellstrom.

[10:02] The briefly existing series.

Dan McCoy

[10:04] What's, uh...

[10:05] Is that based on...

[10:05] Is that related to Backstrom?

[10:07] Is that...

[10:08] Are they related, those two series?

[10:10] No.

Stuart Wellington

[10:13] Whereas I was going to say, is it based on the character Darius Hellstrom from the Deadlands role-playing game?

[10:19] So, uh...

Elliott Kalan

[10:20] No, it was based on the character Damon Hellstrom from the Marvel universe.

Stuart Wellington

[10:23] I was pretty close.

[10:25] So, uh...

[10:25] It was close.

[10:26] They were participating in an experimental drug test in college.

[10:30] Uh, and it's like grainy video footage.

[10:32] And it includes footage of the experiment going poorly.

[10:35] And eyeballs are getting knocked onto the floor like it's at the fucking Double Deucing Roadhouse.

[10:39] Now, the most exciting thing, of course, is not the eyeballs on the floor.

[10:42] But when you see in the opening credits that we are going to have an appearance by

[10:46] Kurtwood Smith from Robocop, bitches leave.

Elliott Kalan

[10:49] There were two names in the credits that made me excited.

[10:52] Kurtwood Smith, when I thought he had more of a role in the movie.

[10:55] Because we hear his voiceover during the credits.

[10:57] And the fact that John Carpenter and his son did the music for the movie.

[11:02] Yeah, yeah.

[11:02] Working overtime.

Dan McCoy

[11:04] I would...

[11:05] Yeah, let's...

[11:06] I mean, and the score is, uh...

[11:09] Pleasant enough, I would say.

[11:11] It does not rank with the work he did for his own movies.

[11:15] But I'm glad that the man has a source of income in his twilight years.

Elliott Kalan

[11:22] There's some moments later in the movie where we get a little bit of synth

[11:24] where I'm like, yeah, this is a John Carpenter score.

[11:27] But yeah, otherwise, it's not exactly his...

[11:31] The film has...

[11:32] One of his more inspiring works.

Dan McCoy

[11:33] You know, more inspiring works.

[11:34] Dragged John Carpenter down rather than he raising it up, I feel like.

Stuart Wellington

[11:39] Yeah, it feels like he, like, took like a ten-minute break to crank out some music

[11:44] in between marathon Elden Ring game sessions.

[11:49] Okay.

[11:50] So, uh, let's see.

[11:52] Now, uh...

[11:53] Now, Andy, that's, uh...

[11:54] Zac Efron's character's name is Andy.

[11:56] He is, uh, running a kind of...

[11:59] He likes candy.

[11:59] Mm-hmm.

[12:00] Yep.

[12:00] He eats it whenever he can.

Dan McCoy

[12:02] Yeah.

[12:03] If it's Andy, give him some candy.

Elliott Kalan

[12:06] His favorite actress, Jessica Tandy.

[12:09] We don't see it in the movie.

[12:10] We have to assume that at one point he was pretty Randy because he has a daughter.

Stuart Wellington

[12:13] And he thinks the boy is Brandy, not Monica's.

[12:17] No.

[12:19] Uh...

[12:20] No, okay.

[12:20] So, let's see.

[12:21] Uh, bits are done.

[12:23] Let's go back to...

[12:24] Okay.

[12:24] So, he's running a...

Dan McCoy

[12:25] I mean, Stuart, the bits...

[12:27] The bits are the podcast.

[12:29] You look angry every time a bit starts.

[12:31] And I'll tell you something.

[12:32] You know, as great as you are, people aren't tuning in to have the Wikipedia, like, synopsis

[12:39] of Firestarter read to them.

[12:42] They're here for the bit.

[12:43] Guys, this is gonna be the last episode of the podcast.

[12:45] I'm sick of this shit.

Stuart Wellington

[12:47] So, uh...

[12:48] So, Andy is running a kind of under-the-radar quitting smoking therapy program where he uses

[12:57] his telepathy to fix people's urge to smoke cigarettes.

[13:00] And he only charges them $100 cash, though.

[13:03] No credit cards.

[13:04] No.

Elliott Kalan

[13:04] It's very funny because he says to this woman, he goes, just talk to...

[13:08] He goes, it's like, you know, start seeing me and I'll cure you.

[13:12] And she's like, I don't know.

[13:13] $100 a session is pretty expensive.

[13:15] Just do this first one with me.

[13:16] We'll see what happens.

[13:17] And he hypnotizes her and goes, you don't like smoking.

[13:19] You think smoking's bad.

[13:21] It tastes gross to you.

[13:22] And she's like, oh, I feel better already.

[13:24] And I only have $80.

[13:26] Give it to me.

[13:26] And it's like, well, what was he gonna do the other sessions?

[13:28] Like, I don't...

[13:29] He's just gonna say, you're asleep now.

[13:32] And then just read for a while or, like, play on his Nintendo Switch until it's time for

[13:36] her to go.

[13:37] Easy money.

[13:37] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[13:38] Yeah.

[13:38] I mean, I don't think he actually plans a second session unless...

[13:42] I mean, he can do whatever he wants.

[13:43] Why doesn't he just be like, yeah, I don't care about your smoking.

[13:47] You're just gonna give me $100.

[13:49] That's true.

[13:51] But then that's probably why it's good that a person like me doesn't have access to superpowers.

[13:56] But those powers don't seem that super because using his powers are physically draining.

[14:01] It makes his eyes go a wonky and what, like, blood come out of his eyeballs?

[14:04] They bleed.

[14:05] Yeah, they bleed.

[14:06] That's crazy.

[14:06] That's not good.

[14:08] You should...

[14:09] No.

Stuart Wellington

[14:09] Yeah.

[14:10] I would say go to a doctor, but you can't.

Dan McCoy

[14:13] If nothing else, it makes it very hard to see the blood in your eyes.

[14:16] I would imagine.

[14:17] Yeah.

[14:17] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[14:18] There's only one situation where it's good to have blood shooting out of your eyes, and

[14:22] that's when you're a horned lizard, and it's your way of scaring off predators, and it's

[14:25] not actually blood, but it looks like it.

[14:27] And Zac Efron, I hate to break it to you.

[14:29] You are not a horned lizard.

[14:31] If that blood's coming out of your eyes, I want you to see a doctor immediately, but not

[14:34] that doctor played by Kurtwood Smith who pumped you full of experimental drugs until you

[14:39] had psychic powers.

[14:40] That's not something you want.

Stuart Wellington

[14:42] He has pretty good vibes, as we'll see later.

[14:44] And also, when he uses powers, the camera goes all wonky, which is one of the many camera

[14:53] techniques this movie uses that I feel like are thrown in there to make up for...

[15:01] Guys, this movie seems like it has a low budget.

[15:04] Am I just...

[15:06] Am I guessing here?

Dan McCoy

[15:08] Yeah.

[15:09] It was a $12 million movie, and you got to believe Zac Efron, though not one of the brightest

[15:17] stars in Hollywood's firmament, surely did not come for cheap.

[15:21] No.

[15:22] So, yeah, this movie takes place...

[15:24] And if you want Kurtwood Smith, you're laying out a fair amount of green.

[15:27] Yeah.

[15:28] Yeah.

[15:28] So...

[15:28] What's his day rate?

[15:30] Okay, we'll do half of that.

[15:34] This movie takes place in a lot of shadowy halls, whether they be the shadowy halls of a

[15:39] school that the kid is in, or later on, the shadowy halls of the institute, the evil government

[15:44] institute that did something.

Elliott Kalan

[15:45] They certainly saved a lot of money on lights with this movie.

[15:49] But you're right.

[15:50] It's a movie that...

[15:51] It's surprising to see the budget as $12 million on the Wikipedia page, because it does

[15:56] look very...

[15:56] It looks very indie.

[15:58] It looks very...

Stuart Wellington

[15:59] Like, it looks cheaper than, like, a CW superhero show.

Dan McCoy

[16:04] Yeah.

[16:05] I think that's fair.

[16:05] And it has less incident than a CW superhero show.

[16:09] It has significantly less incident.

Stuart Wellington

[16:11] But just as many abs.

[16:12] Okay.

[16:13] So, now we cut to Charlie, who is in school.

[16:17] And she's not on the grid.

[16:20] She doesn't use Google.

[16:21] She's poor.

[16:22] She's a little weird.

[16:24] She gets stressed by the kids incessantly bullying her, which, of course, we know is just

[16:28] them not being able to handle their own feelings toward her, because they think she's cool.

[16:33] And then she gets stressed...

Elliott Kalan

[16:34] I don't know if that's really what bullying is, but that's a nice way to look at it, I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[16:38] The room starts to heat up, and then she has to use her coping mechanism.

[16:45] Yeah.

[16:45] So, we know this kid's a fire starter.

[16:47] I mean, that's the whole point of it, right?

[16:49] But they like the movie...

[16:49] It's the title of the movie.

[16:50] Yeah, the movie kind of drags it along.

[16:53] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[16:53] This is...

[16:54] And we saw the old movie, Fire Starter, so we know that.

[16:56] Yeah.

[16:56] We wrote the book.

Elliott Kalan

[16:58] This is one of those movies, and there's a lot of horror and science fiction movies that

[17:02] are like this, that are trying to keep alive the mystery of exactly what's going on with

[17:07] the character when the title tells you what's going on with the character.

[17:11] And the basic premise of the movie that you know, walking in, tells you the title.

[17:14] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[17:15] The fact that it's an IP that has existed from the 80s.

Stuart Wellington

[17:19] Yeah.

[17:20] Like at the end of Iron Man, where Tony Stark says, I am Iron Man.

[17:24] I'm like, no shit.

[17:25] That's the name of the movie, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[17:26] I mean, that's not exactly the same thing.

[17:29] We just watched you be Iron Man for a whole movie.

[17:30] I just saw you being.

[17:31] Shut up.

[17:33] Tell me something I didn't know, dipshit.

[17:37] Cinema score, F minus.

[17:40] Okay.

[17:40] You know there was somebody who watched the movie who was like, someone's got to explain

[17:44] this movie to me.

[17:45] And at the end, he goes, I am Iron Man.

[17:47] And the audience member went, oh.

[17:49] Oh.

[17:49] And then just slow clapped.

Dan McCoy

[17:51] And Stuart leans over to Charlene and says, that's Iron Man.

[17:54] That's Iron Man.

Stuart Wellington

[17:56] And she's like.

[17:56] He's Iron Man.

[17:57] But Iron Monger is technically more iron.

[18:01] And he's bigger, which might make him the man.

[18:04] Shouldn't he be Iron Kid?

[18:07] Well, that's a story for another day.

[18:09] Let's go.

[18:10] So.

Elliott Kalan

[18:11] Okay.

[18:12] So I went to see Iron Man 2, but there was only one Iron Man in the movie.

[18:15] Where was the other Iron Man?

[18:17] I don't understand.

[18:18] I mean, there's two Iron Mans because War Machine's in it dressed up like Iron Man.

[18:22] Oh, okay.

[18:22] Fair point for point.

[18:23] Okay.

[18:23] But in Iron Man 3, there's, again, just two Iron Men.

[18:26] Iron Man and War Machine.

[18:28] What's going on?

Dan McCoy

[18:28] There's a lot of Iron Men in Iron Man 3.

[18:30] There's a lot of Iron Man.

[18:31] No, no, no.

[18:31] There's a lot of Iron Man.

[18:33] There's a lot of Iron Man costumes.

Elliott Kalan

[18:35] There's not a lot of Iron Men.

[18:36] Okay.

[18:36] That's a good thing.

[18:37] Yeah, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[18:37] He's got you, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[18:39] Okay.

[18:40] Let's see.

[18:41] Okay.

[18:41] Now, I went to see Avengers Age of Ultron.

[18:44] They never told us how old Ultron was.

[18:46] I want to know because if he's old, he looks great.

[18:48] He's taking good care of himself.

Stuart Wellington

[18:52] Yeah.

[18:52] Okay.

[18:53] Let's see.

[18:54] Okay.

[18:54] So, mom tries to comfort Charlie.

[18:59] Parents are kind of unsure how to parent this kid.

[19:02] They don't know whether they should keep her powers repressed or train them.

[19:07] Zac Efron is against training.

[19:10] Mother wants to train them.

[19:11] Yada, yada.

[19:13] Back at school, the boy keeps bullying her, so she goes to hide in the bathroom.

[19:18] She also gets hit in the back of the head with a dodgeball, which obviously dodgeball sucks.

[19:22] It's a shitty thing the kids are forced to play.

[19:24] But she did kind of turn her back on the other team.

[19:27] So, like, I mean, of course she's going to get hit.

[19:29] I'm glad you're seeing both sides.

Elliott Kalan

[19:31] I'm glad you're seeing both sides of the kid getting hit in the head with a dodgeball.

Dan McCoy

[19:35] Look, I'll push back a little bit.

[19:39] Like, even as a nerd who had no physical prowess and would get hit by a dodgeball rather than get anyone out by a dodgeball, I would much rather play dodgeball than so many other things we're forced to do.

[19:52] Oh, better than shuttle runs.

[19:53] That's for sure.

[19:54] Oh, man.

[19:55] Or just like general running.

[19:57] Like, let's put that away, please.

Elliott Kalan

[20:00] Or silent running when you've got to go up into space and you've got to be of those little robots.

[20:05] Or cool runnings.

Dan McCoy

[20:05] Take care of that huge garden.

Elliott Kalan

[20:08] Or cool runnings for something I've got to coach in a Jamaican bobsled team.

[20:11] Yeah.

[20:12] I'm just a kid.

[20:13] How am I supposed to coach an Olympic team in a sport I've never even played?

Dan McCoy

[20:17] I want to back up because you mentioned their parenting styles.

[20:22] And I just want to say that not only does this movie, we'll get into it, eventually not make me sympathize much with this young girl.

[20:32] Even though I know that, like, look, she's a child.

[20:35] She can't control herself.

[20:37] But she also does end up murdering quite a few people and harming them.

Elliott Kalan

[20:40] She's in pretty strong control of that fire when she murders all those people.

Dan McCoy

[20:44] Yeah, but also, Zac Efron's parenting style is, like, so terrible.

[20:51] He's like, she's just got to push down all of those emotions.

[20:56] She's got to push them all down.

[20:58] And then she can handle her fire starting.

[20:59] I'm like, dude, this is not going to work.

[21:03] No matter how many things you, items in the room you name, this is going to end badly.

[21:08] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[21:09] Well, and as the...

[21:11] We'll see.

[21:11] Yeah, it's not like the movie's called Fire Non-Starter.

[21:15] Am I right, guys?

Elliott Kalan

[21:17] His parenting style towards this pyrokinetic daughter, it has big, okay, date whoever you want, just don't tell grandma vibes to it.

[21:26] Just kind of like, if you just pretend you're the girl that we want and not this fire starter, then we'll be okay.

[21:33] But there's so little emotion in all these scenes.

[21:37] And he and his wife are arguing over how to best deal with the fact that their daughter has this enormous, deadly power inside of her.

[21:46] And it seems like there's roughly the level of intensity that my wife and I have when she asks me if there's anything special I want her to make for dinner that week.

[21:54] And that's because she's about to go to the grocery store.

[21:55] And I'm like, I don't know.

[21:56] I can't think of anything at the moment.

[21:58] And she really wants me to say something.

[22:00] And then I say chicken marsala again.

[22:01] And she reminds me we just had that.

[22:03] Like, that's the level of intensity I feel like they're having.

[22:05] There's not – it's not no marital friction, but it's not as much as you'd expect for the situation.

Dan McCoy

[22:10] And it's also –

[22:11] And also, Zac Efron is a performer that I have enjoyed in the past.

[22:16] Like, I think he can be perfect – like, a charming guy.

[22:19] But I think he's at his best when he can lean into the performer side of it and the charming side.

[22:25] This is a part that just has him be sort of emotionless and steely.

[22:30] And he is not able to bring anything of interest to it.

[22:35] Like, it is – the lead characters in this movie across the board are just personality-free ciphers.

[22:44] But, sorry, what were you saying, Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[22:44] I was just going to say that one of the things about it is that, like, we have these two characters who met in college.

[22:54] They – you know, and through the result of this experiment, they got superpowers.

[22:59] And then they – against probably their better judgment, had a child together.

[23:05] And I feel like there should be – like, to me, that symbolized that they have, like, a passionate connection that went beyond the, like, good sense of –

[23:17] you know, the good sense of, like, maybe we should – we have these weird superpowers.

[23:22] Maybe we should take it easy.

[23:24] Yeah.

[23:24] And there's no passion between these two people.

Elliott Kalan

[23:29] Yeah.

[23:29] I actually was waiting for the moment where the movie would reveal that they were not her parents and that they had, like, escaped from that facility with her when she was a baby and had just kind of taken on the role of her parents because there's so little connection between the two of them.

[23:43] But I got to say, like, you know, the kids are not her parents and the kids are not her parents.

[23:51] It's hard to be a kid.

[23:52] Yeah.

[23:52] The fires in the bedroom go out.

[23:54] Exactly.

[23:55] When the kid's lighting fires with their mind, the fire in your loins extinguishes.

[24:00] And it's hard to feel sexy when at any moment your child could walk in and light you on fire.

[24:05] It's just hard to feel that, you know.

[24:07] It's hard to lose that –

[24:08] Yeah.

[24:08] Well, speaking of which –

[24:09] Lose that control, you know.

[24:10] Speaking of which.

Stuart Wellington

[24:12] So, yeah, Charlie's in school.

[24:14] She gets hit by a thing.

[24:15] She gets stressed out and runs away.

[24:18] She goes to the bathroom.

[24:20] Teacher follows.

[24:22] She turns all the water in the bathroom to steam and then explodes the toilet.

[24:28] It's pretty cool.

Elliott Kalan

[24:30] Then this would instantly make her the coolest kid in school.

[24:33] Yeah.

[24:33] If this was real life, I feel like.

Stuart Wellington

[24:34] However, in this world, it gets her kicked out of school again.

Elliott Kalan

[24:39] That would probably happen in real life, too.

Stuart Wellington

[24:40] So, back at home, Charlie has a tantrum.

[24:45] Her mom tries to calm her down.

[24:46] Her dad is a dick.

[24:49] And she accidentally roasts her mom a little bit.

[24:53] Her mom catches on fire and really fucks her arms up.

[24:56] It's gross.

[24:56] Just a little bit.

Dan McCoy

[24:57] Yeah.

[24:58] Yeah.

[24:58] This is – I mean, already in the movie, again, the kid is losing me a little bit.

[25:05] I understand a child can't control her superpowers.

[25:12] It has a lot – they're tied to her emotions and she has a lot of emotions she can't control.

[25:16] But – and I'm certainly not advocating for some sort of shadowy government agency to come in and murder her.

[25:23] But also, these parents seem ill-equipped to handle this kid who is setting them on fire.

[25:32] And the movie does not necessarily do enough for me, like, with these characters to make me be like, got to keep this family together and keep them safe.

[25:47] I'm just like, no, this is a dangerous weapon that's roaming around America.

[25:52] But maybe that's just me.

[25:53] I have no child.

Elliott Kalan

[25:55] Classic liberal wanting the nanny deep state to take our kids away and teach them how to use their pyrokinetic powers.

Dan McCoy

[26:01] Well, later on, like, they have, like, these inhibitor things that keep, you know, Zac Efron from using his power on them.

[26:09] I'm just like, if there's that technology, can't we just, like, you know, get, like, a little visor for Firestarter here?

[26:16] Put that on her.

[26:16] A visor.

Elliott Kalan

[26:17] Can't we have some sort of magic sock that keeps her powers in check?

Dan McCoy

[26:20] Yeah, you know, I'm the idea.

[26:22] I'm just the ideas man.

[26:23] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[26:25] No, but you're right.

[26:26] You build it.

[26:27] The movie does a very poor job of arguing that she should not be taken by this shadowy government organization that I'm sure Stuart's going to get into soon.

[26:36] When she is, yeah, just roaming free with these terrible parents.

Stuart Wellington

[26:39] You guys, did you guys say shadowy organization?

[26:43] Because guess what?

[26:45] There's a shadowy organization that is observing Charlie's school.

[26:48] And so they reach out to Rain Bird, who is this cool dude who has an unfinished fullback hangman tarot card tattoo.

[26:56] And he's like a killer fixer specialist guy.

[27:00] It looks like he's hanging out in a warehouse.

[27:02] Like, he's about to be part of the freedom video.

[27:06] And Andy and Charlie, okay, so, and he's, they're like, oh, one last job.

[27:11] He's like, oh, man, fuck it.

[27:14] Andy and Charlie go out for ice cream to, you know, because she just roasted her mom.

[27:19] Her mom, Vicky, here's the first time in my notes where I wrote her name.

Elliott Kalan

[27:23] What you're making it sound like is that she's being rewarded for roasting her mom.

[27:26] This is to help her calm down, I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[27:29] Yeah, although I think he gives her, like, rum raisin or some shit.

[27:32] They mention it later, and I'm like, oh, that sounds like a punishment.

[27:36] So, Vicky tries to relax.

Elliott Kalan

[27:38] We're taking you out for ice cream.

[27:40] Yay.

[27:40] The worst ice cream.

Dan McCoy

[27:42] Aw.

[27:43] I love rum raisin, guys.

[27:45] I'm not afraid to say it.

[27:46] Sure, old men love rum raisin.

[27:48] I'll let my freak flag fly.

Stuart Wellington

[27:52] Yeah, so Vicky tries to relax with her burned up hands.

[27:56] Then the cops show up, and she talks to the cop.

[27:58] And then she gets attacked by Rain Bird, who is in their house.

[28:02] And it turns out that he was an early test subject.

[28:05] And he's there to bring the girl home, and he can kill them or whatever.

[28:09] And what power did he get?

Elliott Kalan

[28:11] Just super shooting power?

[28:16] Does he have a power?

[28:18] Not clear.

[28:20] Because they talk about how he was part of the experiment.

[28:22] And the implication is that he's like a super assassin because of what they did to him.

[28:27] But it doesn't clear what.

[28:28] And he's one of those fixers they send to clean up messes.

[28:31] And when they do, he kills so many extra people.

[28:33] Yeah, he makes a way bigger mess.

[28:35] Yeah.

[28:35] It's like, we want you to go in and quietly eliminate this family.

[28:39] Right.

[28:39] Kill two dozen cops.

[28:41] I understand.

[28:42] Well, they're like, Rain Bird.

[28:44] Can I say what you wrote down there?

[28:45] Rain Bird.

Stuart Wellington

[28:47] Because I think they even make a comment like, time for you to do what you do best or some shit.

[28:52] Yeah, he's very bad.

[28:53] I guess.

[28:54] Kill a bunch of people and make a huge mess.

[28:56] That's fine.

Elliott Kalan

[28:56] Rain Bird.

[28:57] Rain Bird, can you come into my office?

[28:59] I came to my attention.

[29:00] We sent you to take out one little girl and her parents.

[29:02] And you took out an entire police department.

[29:05] That's what they told me to do.

[29:06] That was the job.

[29:06] Well, I was checking the Slack channel, Rain Bird.

[29:08] And at no point does anyone talk about killing police.

[29:11] Except right here, it says, please don't kill any more police.

[29:14] It says it right here, Rain Bird.

[29:16] You know I don't check the Slack channel.

[29:18] It's like, I already have my email.

[29:19] I've got to check something else, too.

Dan McCoy

[29:21] That's actually a pretty good defense.

Elliott Kalan

[29:23] Okay, Rain Bird, that makes sense.

[29:24] That makes sense.

[29:25] The Slack channel has not worked out the way we thought it might for this secret government intelligence operation slash shadowy science experiment.

[29:33] So, yeah.

[29:34] So, can I go now?

[29:35] I guess.

[29:35] Yeah.

[29:35] You know what?

[29:36] I guess you're employee of the month, Rain Bird.

[29:37] You did it.

[29:39] You did it.

Stuart Wellington

[29:40] So, speaking of our employee of the month, Rain Bird, he kills Vicky.

[29:45] He briefly takes Charlie hostage.

[29:48] And then, of course, Charlie blasts him with fire.

[29:52] And then she and Andy manage to escape.

[29:55] Hooray.

[29:56] The chief of the secret organization, Hollister, Captain Hollister, visits like an asylum and talks to Kurtwood Smith, who's making little piles of dust, like colored dust.

[30:12] And they basically talk about—

Elliott Kalan

[30:15] He doesn't have much of a hobby.

[30:16] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[30:17] And they talk about the reality of dealing with a psychic child.

[30:21] And in some ways, they're being kind of reasonable, although Hollister wants to train Charlie, which seems fairly reasonable.

[30:31] Not to—but she doesn't want to make, like, an army of them.

[30:34] She just wants to have this one kid not, like, set everything on fire.

[30:38] And Kurtwood Smith is like, nope, just kill her.

[30:41] Just kill her.

[30:41] It's so much easier.

[30:42] Just get rid of her.

[30:43] And then he's like, see you later.

[30:45] Thanks for the paycheck, losers.

[30:48] Okay.

[30:49] So, meanwhile, while they're on the run, Charlie meets a cat and fucking just roasts the cat alive.

[30:58] But it's still alive.

[30:59] Yeah.

[30:59] So her dad makes—

[31:00] Another strike against Charlie in my book.

[31:03] Yeah.

[31:04] And then—but the cat's still alive, so her dad makes her kill it.

[31:08] And the whole thing just fucking sucks.

[31:10] Like, this scene sucks.

[31:12] I know how it matters, I guess, later in the script.

[31:15] But, like, fuck this shit.

[31:17] I don't want to wash this garbage.

Elliott Kalan

[31:19] Yeah.

[31:20] So you're saying your idea of entertainment is not watching a girl accidentally kill a cat?

Stuart Wellington

[31:24] No.

[31:24] Yeah.

[31:25] Well, accidentally fuck it up and then totally intentionally kill it.

Elliott Kalan

[31:29] No thanks.

[31:30] Now, wait.

[31:31] But let me—what if that cat was Bustopher Jones?

[31:35] Oh.

[31:37] And he was singing.

[31:38] A cat about town?

[31:39] Yeah, a cat about town.

[31:40] Loves to eat.

[31:41] I don't want him to—I don't want Bustopher Jones to eat killed.

[31:44] Well, you've got to pick one of them.

[31:45] Then what about Monka Strap?

[31:46] Is he okay for this girl to get rid of?

[31:48] Oh, no.

[31:48] People like Monka Strap.

[31:49] Okay.

[31:51] Rum Tum Tugger.

[31:52] No, he's super popular also.

Stuart Wellington

[31:53] And then to make this scene worse, they, like, prey over the dead cat.

[31:58] No, fuck that.

Dan McCoy

[31:59] This is garbage.

[32:00] Get this movie out of my eyeballs.

Stuart Wellington

[32:02] Oh, wait.

[32:03] Sorry to kill the bit by talking about how this movie sucks sometimes.

[32:09] So then they trick an old man into giving them a ride.

Elliott Kalan

[32:13] And he tricks him in such an unnecessary way where he's like, hey, can you give us a ride?

[32:19] I'll pay you $100.

[32:20] And the old man's like, okay.

[32:21] And then you see that he's actually holding a $1 bill.

[32:24] And he's just using his psychic powers to make it look like a $100 bill.

[32:27] And it's like, Zac Efron, come on.

[32:29] That's being petty.

[32:30] That's a petty use of your powers.

Stuart Wellington

[32:31] Come on.

[32:32] That's a bit from the book or the other movie, though, right?

[32:35] Don't they, like, do something with a cabbie, I feel like?

[32:38] I don't remember.

[32:40] I still don't like it.

[32:41] No, it's bad.

[32:44] Okay.

[32:44] So they hang out on his farm for a little bit.

Elliott Kalan

[32:47] I wish he had gone all the way and he's like, I'll give you this $10,000 bill.

[32:52] I've never even seen one of those.

[32:53] Yeah, yeah.

[32:54] It's got Bill Murray on it.

[32:55] Like, that's very rare.

[32:57] Okay.

[32:58] No one will ever believe you.

[33:01] Also, your hands are made out of ice cream.

[33:03] What?

[33:03] Okay, so you better get out of the car.

[33:05] Let me drive.

[33:05] That's too much.

Stuart Wellington

[33:06] He's going to think they're melting.

[33:07] You're going too far.

[33:08] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[33:09] Starts eating his own hands.

[33:10] Leave him.

[33:11] Leave him.

[33:11] It's okay.

[33:12] We're terrible people.

[33:13] It's all right.

[33:13] We can do that.

Stuart Wellington

[33:14] Okay.

[33:15] So Charlie goes exploring around this old farm and meets an old lady hooked up to a ventilator.

[33:21] And then they have a little psychic conversation.

[33:25] And they get to stay for a little while.

[33:28] The old man takes it easy on them.

[33:32] Or so we think.

[33:34] And then he.

[33:35] Oh, man.

[33:36] I don't know where this part is.

[33:38] Oh, Zac Efron tells a story about some creeps who tried to steal Charlie when she was a baby.

[33:43] And how he used his powers to make the creeps kill each other.

[33:47] And that's why you shouldn't.

[33:49] You shouldn't use your powers to kill people.

Dan McCoy

[33:52] Yeah.

[33:53] That's why you shouldn't use them to kill people.

[33:56] I see.

[33:57] Yeah.

[33:57] I mean, like, that's the thing.

[33:58] I.

[33:59] Look.

[34:00] I'm not going to get into, like, a deep comparison of the versions of Firestarter.

[34:06] Mostly because I don't know that I've seen the Drew Barrymore version all the way through.

[34:10] It is also not a very good movie.

[34:12] Although, better than this.

[34:16] I have read the book.

[34:17] It is crazy that George C. Scott plays Rainbird in the old one.

[34:21] Yeah.

[34:22] A Native American character.

[34:23] Yeah.

[34:24] Not correct casting.

[34:26] But, I mean, Firestarter, at least, like, the book, you know, gives you a real sense of how, like, this desperate love of the father for his daughter.

[34:40] And everything that he'll do to protect her.

[34:42] But also, like, it seems like the characters in that book are really about minimizing the harm that they do.

[34:50] Whereas I feel like the family in this movie just kind of blunder around a lot, hurting people.

[34:57] Or, in this case, like, yeah, like, deliberately killing people that, you know, I don't know.

[35:03] Why doesn't he just reach inside his mind and be like, we don't exist?

[35:08] I mean, I don't know what the limits to his powers are, but it doesn't make me as sympathetic to them as I could be.

[35:14] Anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[35:15] Instead of, yeah, yeah, don't use your telepathy to make people blast each other and stop breathing.

Elliott Kalan

[35:19] I mean, I will say there is something – I don't think this is a – I don't think the movie pulls this off well.

[35:25] But there is something kind of realistic about people getting these powers and being bad at using them.

[35:31] Yeah.

[35:31] And being screw-ups.

[35:33] And it not being like, oh, we're ultra cool.

[35:35] We have our ways of hiding.

[35:37] Because, like, if I had to hide my family suddenly from the government, I'd do a pretty poor job of it.

[35:42] I don't know what I'm doing.

[35:43] I'm not a spy.

[35:44] So, I think I could really – if it was a better movie, I would really relate to these kind of morons bumbling around not knowing how to get out of these dumb situations they get themselves into.

[35:52] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[35:55] So, there's a story on the news about them.

[36:01] And it, you know, it kind of paints them in a negative light.

Dan McCoy

[36:06] Much as the movie has up until this point.

Stuart Wellington

[36:08] And so, the old man is watching the news and he decides that he's going to have to kick them out.

[36:14] But then they convince him not to kick them out.

[36:17] It's a very exciting scene.

[36:18] And then the cops show up and demand to see Andy and Charlie.

[36:21] The old man goes out to talk to them.

[36:24] And then Rainbird pulls out a sniper rifle and starts sniping all the cops.

[36:31] And the old man, he's trying to draw –

[36:34] More collateral damage.

[36:35] He's trying to draw Charlie out.

[36:39] Andy tries to stop Rainbird but then collapses.

[36:44] And that buys her a little bit of time to escape.

[36:47] And then agents show up and try and track her down.

[36:51] Rainbird gets taken in to speak with the boss because, again, aforementioned massive collateral damage.

Elliott Kalan

[36:58] He's the –

[36:59] Okay, so, again, I'll say if this is a better movie, I would like that nobody in the movie is really very good at their jobs.

[37:05] Yeah.

[37:06] Everybody in it is in a terrible version.

[37:08] They're all terrible.

[37:09] Rainbird causes so much more trouble than he ever cleans up.

[37:12] The head of DSI, Captain Hollister from Time Cop, she is doing a very bad job of running this kind of covert operation.

[37:24] Yeah.

[37:24] Gertwood Smith is like, yeah, yeah, we gave those people psychic powers.

[37:27] Then we just let them go.

[37:28] Like they got away from us.

[37:30] And the parents don't know how to raise their kid.

[37:32] There's something about seeing a movie like this where no one is slick and everyone is incompetent.

[37:37] Yeah.

[37:38] Or at least realistically semi – you know, fairly incompetent.

[37:40] Yeah, it's like the Green Knight.

[37:42] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[37:43] Well, I'm imagining a version of burn after reading with actual burning that –

[37:49] Now you're talking.

[37:50] Excellent.

[37:50] Now we're doing it.

[37:51] Now you're talking.

Elliott Kalan

[37:52] Dan, why are you not writing that right now?

[37:54] Oh, that's such a good idea.

[37:56] Okay.

[37:56] I'm podcasting with you, Alex.

[37:57] You call it Firestopper.

[38:00] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[38:01] Speaking of firestopping, Charlie is doing the opposite because she is in the woods having

[38:06] like a Rambo montage of like training and setting things on fire.

[38:11] It's pretty funny.

[38:14] And then she decides – when she's ready, she decides to leave the – she's like,

[38:19] I'm fucking done with this shit.

[38:20] I'm going to go kill that spider gremlin.

[38:22] So she goes walking through the suburbs and some kids on bikes immediately start fucking

[38:31] with Charlie for some reason.

[38:32] And these are strangers, right?

Elliott Kalan

[38:33] Yeah, they're just strangers.

[38:35] Like she just draws bullies to her.

[38:37] Yeah.

[38:37] Like she's wearing bully attractant.

[38:40] And it's like she's just slathering herself in honey and walks through a bear's den all

[38:44] the time.

[38:45] And they just start making –

[38:46] Because they love honey, yeah.

[38:48] Bears love honey.

[38:49] Honey, same.

[38:50] Especially that poo bear.

[38:51] Did you see in the news the other day about that bear that painted itself black and then

[38:55] got a balloon and it was pretending to be a rain cloud so that it could trick some bees

[38:59] into giving it honey?

[39:00] Oh, things did not end well for that bear.

[39:03] Oh, what a sad news story.

Dan McCoy

[39:05] I thought it looked like rain, but –

Stuart Wellington

[39:06] So she used her psychic powers to – she used those powers to steal a bike and a sandwich

[39:14] and some clothes from these bullies.

Dan McCoy

[39:17] Yeah.

[39:18] She – did we know earlier that she didn't just have fire starting powers but also had

[39:23] some of her like dad's pushing abilities?

[39:26] Because she – yeah, she like – yeah, tricks these – mental tricks, Jedi mind tricks

[39:31] these into letting her take the bicycle and sandwich.

[39:34] I don't know if – I can't remember if we knew that beforehand.

Elliott Kalan

[39:36] Maybe she was just reading their micro expressions to like cold read them into giving her their

[39:41] stuff.

Dan McCoy

[39:43] Like a real Bradley Cooper.

Elliott Kalan

[39:45] Yeah, yeah.

[39:46] She's limitless.

[39:47] Yeah.

[39:49] And –

[39:49] Were you guys as disappointed as I was that the song Firestarter was never played in the

[39:52] movie?

[39:53] Absolutely.

[39:54] A little bit.

Stuart Wellington

[39:55] Yeah.

[39:55] So she gets –

[39:57] I mean –

[39:57] She gets like a dream or a mental projection from her father giving her an idea where this

[40:05] facility is, right?

[40:08] Is that –

[40:08] Yes.

[40:08] That's what happens.

[40:09] So she – because my notes start to get spare as I got tired – more tired and more

[40:14] bored by the movie.

[40:16] So she finds the facility and she like – she starts taking out agents.

[40:24] I think the first one she like corners in his car and she's trying to interrogate him and

[40:30] then he like tries to pull a gun and she like roasts the shit out of him.

[40:35] And then Buddy's not dead so she has to finish him off.

[40:39] And then she basically just starts walking through her facility roasting dudes.

[40:44] Yeah.

[40:44] It's pretty gnarly.

Dan McCoy

[40:45] It's – you know, it's got some gnarly stuff.

[40:47] How slow this movie is for so long and then in a wild rush to the end, this child just comes

[40:58] in and burns up the whole place.

[41:01] Yeah.

[41:01] The end.

[41:02] But not the end, but you know what I'm saying.

[41:05] There's still more for you to explain.

[41:06] I mean, pretty much the end.

[41:07] I don't want to take your job away from you.

[41:10] Stu, Dan is gunning for your position.

Elliott Kalan

[41:12] Oh, man.

[41:13] Yeah.

[41:13] I'm sorry.

[41:13] Whoa, whoa.

[41:15] Stuart looks like he's happy to –

[41:17] Let me take over.

[41:19] So it looks like it turns out that Charlie was –

[41:21] I'm just saying, Dan, if you're going after Stu with this summer, you best not miss

[41:23] because you won't get a second shot.

Stuart Wellington

[41:26] So, yeah, it turns out Charlie was actually lured to the facility by Rain Bird.

[41:32] So maybe that's his psychic power.

[41:35] And so she finds her dad, her dad, and then like Hollister comes out and she's like, don't do it.

[41:43] If you roast your dad, you're going to roast me.

[41:44] And he's like, just roast us both.

[41:46] And she's like, okay, fuck it.

[41:48] So they get – she roasts Hollister.

[41:50] She roasts her dad.

[41:51] And then she like roasts a whole bunch of agents as she leaves.

[41:54] It looks like she's cornered.

[41:55] Nope.

[41:56] Rain Bird shows up and saves her.

[41:57] That's crazy.

[41:58] I thought he was the bad guy.

Elliott Kalan

[42:00] Well, she's roasting – agents are just coming at her in waves.

[42:04] And then some people show up in fire protective suits.

[42:07] Oh, no.

[42:07] Her power has been neutralized.

[42:09] You know what those suits don't protect you from?

[42:11] Bullets to the head.

[42:12] And that's when Rain Bird comes in.

[42:13] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[42:14] And she also disengages all the locks in the containment facility, which I was going to be – I was really excited.

[42:19] I'm like, we're going to see all kinds of crazy psychic powers or maybe the monsters from Cabin in the Woods are all going to show up.

[42:25] It's going to be great.

[42:26] You don't get that.

Elliott Kalan

[42:26] Half man, half chicken running around.

[42:28] Yeah, sure.

[42:29] I'm a man.

[42:30] So –

[42:31] Just a baby with crab claws.

[42:34] Yep.

[42:34] Amazing things.

[42:35] And a body of a snake.

Stuart Wellington

[42:36] Charlie stumbles out onto the beach.

[42:39] She and Rain Bird are the only surviving escapees.

[42:43] And you know what?

[42:44] They just wander down the beach together forever.

[42:47] End of movie.

[42:48] Cue the song Fire Starter.

Elliott Kalan

[42:51] Yeah.

[42:51] No, they don't play the song Fire Starter.

[42:54] That was the disappointment.

[42:55] And this is – it's the famous story of a fire starter says, how come when I had times of trouble, there was only one set of footprints?

[43:03] And Rain Bird says, that's when I was carrying you.

[43:05] That's the famous parable.

[43:07] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[43:08] So, yeah.

[43:09] I mean, that's the summary.

[43:11] I think we bang that shit out super fast because there's not much to this little movie.

[43:16] No, there is not.

Dan McCoy

[43:17] You know, we – a peek behind the curtain, we're doing a couple tapings at the same time because I had to ask these guys to kindly move our tapings around because my parents were going to be in town for July 4th and their 59th wedding anniversary, guys.

[43:37] But –

[43:38] That's a big one.

[43:38] I only got to see them.

[43:39] Yeah.

[43:41] I saw them briefly before I tested positive for COVID and then I said, no, thank you, my parents.

[43:48] I don't want to get you sick.

[43:49] You're on your own.

[43:51] They had a lovely time in New York by themselves.

[43:55] But the point was we were looking for something short for one reason and these double tapings.

[44:03] But I really appreciate the lack of incident in Firestarter considering how tired I am from being sick.

[44:12] It's just like, yeah, yeah, give it – like it was a miserable experience watching, but I'm glad that nothing happened in this movie.

[44:20] The bandaid came off quickly.

Elliott Kalan

[44:24] It feels a lot like they just shot the outline to the movie and said, we'll fill this in later.

[44:29] Wait, we made the movie already?

[44:31] Oh, no.

[44:32] Oh, boy.

Stuart Wellington

[44:32] It honestly feels a little bit like a pilot for a Firestarter TV show that they – when it wasn't going to get picked up, they just went back and shot a couple extra things, like shot her dad getting roasted and stuff.

[44:51] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[44:52] Yeah.

[44:52] It wouldn't surprise me.

[44:53] It has a real USA original series feel to it.

[44:57] Yeah.

[44:57] Throughout.

[44:58] And I mean –

[44:58] And not in the fun Pacific blue way where everyone's on bikes.

[45:02] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[45:03] And like what was that – what's – didn't Amazon do a series based on that Hannah movie?

[45:10] So it's the same kind of shit, right?

[45:13] You got a little magic girl who does stuff and blows people up.

[45:15] That's what Hannah's about, right?

[45:17] Well –

[45:18] Or is she a black widow or something?

Elliott Kalan

[45:20] Well, no.

[45:20] Hannah is about – it's a sequel to Hannah Montana where it's a dark reimagining where instead of being a normal girl who's also like a big superstar, she's a normal girl who's also a super assassin but still performs country music.

Dan McCoy

[45:32] That makes sense.

[45:33] Let's get into final judgments because we're there already whether this is a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, a movie we kind of like.

[45:41] I'm going to start off my assessment by saying like I both understand and don't understand why they would do Firestarter at this point.

[45:52] Ooh.

Elliott Kalan

[45:52] I like that paradox that you just presented us with.

[45:56] Please untangle it.

Dan McCoy

[45:58] So I understand why they do Firestarter because, you know, it's a known – it's a property with name recognition.

[46:06] It's an old movie that was not done well the first time, so there's room for improvement.

[46:12] And, hey, Stranger Things is big.

[46:17] Eleven from Stranger Things, that's basically like Firestarter style, you know, super powered, young girl, evil government project.

[46:28] Yeah, all this stuff.

[46:29] They're like – so that's why they thought, hey, yeah, let's do Firestarter.

[46:34] It's also why I find it so baffling that they did Firestarter because this movie's lunch has been so thoroughly eaten by everything that has come since the writing of the book Firestarter kicked off like this whole like type of thing anyway.

[46:50] Like there's been so many of these things and this brings nothing new to it.

[46:56] Like I have – like this is quite possibly the most boring movie we've watched for the Flophouse to the degree that I was not only angrily texting you guys about it.

[47:08] I was also angrily texting all of my other friends basically who watch movies because it was the only thing that could keep me engaged.

[47:18] I was so – like I am usually – like I usually pride ourselves in doing a show with our like premise and not being mean about things.

[47:30] But like I just hated the experience of watching this damn thing.

[47:36] Maybe it's because I was sick.

[47:38] But I didn't like it at all.

[47:39] It's a bad, bad movie.

Elliott Kalan

[47:41] I'm the picture of health and I felt similarly.

[47:43] I was so – I find it so incredibly boring and so incredibly dull that I usually don't do this with Flophouse movies even though we watch a lot of stuff that I don't really enjoy.

[47:52] This is one of the few times we're watching it I was just thinking about other movies I could be watching during that time.

[47:57] Like other things I could be doing during that time.

[48:00] And it just – it's one of these movies that makes you think about how there's only so many grains of sand in the hourglass, people.

[48:06] You got a limited amount of time on this earth and so why am I spending it watching Firestarter?

[48:12] Now again, I was doing dishes at the same time.

[48:14] So it's not like I wasn't totally making use of that time.

[48:17] Those dishes need to be cleaned.

[48:18] We eat off them.

[48:19] We have a limited supply of dishes in my house.

[48:21] If they get dirty, we can't just stop using them.

[48:23] We can't go out and buy new dishes every time we need clean dishes.

[48:25] I've got to wash them.

[48:27] But I could be watching something more meaningful than Firestarter.

[48:31] So I'm also going to say it's a bad, bad movie.

Dan McCoy

[48:33] Or doing nothing.

[48:34] If you sat with your thoughts, it would be more productive than watching Firestarter by far.

[48:38] By far.

Elliott Kalan

[48:42] Stuart, sorry.

[48:43] So this – yeah.

[48:45] Worse than doing nothing, raves Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[48:49] There's, you know, in the – like kind of not – definitely not the height of the pandemic.

[48:55] But at some point during, you know, I guess we're still in the pandemic.

[49:00] My wife and I went to a hotel.

[49:05] And in order to get a drink at the bar, we had to order food.

[49:09] And one of the – the food item was like a hummus and vegetables.

[49:14] And it was like the saddest like styrofoam tray with hummus and like a few baby carrots on it.

[49:23] It was like there is no love present at all on that plate.

[49:28] And I feel like that's kind of the same thing with this movie.

[49:31] Like, sure, some of the people involved are talented.

[49:36] But there was no – it did not feel like anybody involved had any – there was no passion.

[49:41] And if there was passion, it was not on the screen.

[49:44] It's – yeah.

[49:45] I mean, it's – it's so dull and feels so pointless.

[49:50] I mean, a single episode of Stranger Things costs more than this movie.

Dan McCoy

[49:57] It is inert.

[49:58] This movie is –

[49:59] Yeah.

[50:00] Inert.

[50:01] Yeah.

[50:01] Like there's no motion inside this movie.

[50:05] If you cracked it open, there's just more nothingness.

[50:08] Anyway.

[50:09] So, yeah.

[50:09] Sorry.

[50:10] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[50:10] Yeah.

[50:11] Not – this is a bad, bad.

[50:12] Yep.

S4

[50:17] Hi.

[50:17] I'm Janet Varney.

[50:19] And just like you, I survived high school.

[50:22] And we're not alone.

[50:24] On my podcast, The JV Club, I invite some of my friends to share the highs and lows of their teen years.

[50:31] Like moments with Aisha Tyler.

Dan McCoy

[50:33] But when you're a kid, the stakes are just pretty low.

[50:36] Go to school, try not to get in trouble, get laid.

S4

[50:39] Jamila Jamil.

[50:40] I watched television probably every waking hour during that time when I was s***faced on medicine.

[50:46] And Dave Holmes.

Stuart Wellington

[50:47] We talked and talked and then everybody left.

[50:49] It was just us two.

[50:49] And I was like, I love you.

S4

[50:50] Learn how you too can be a functioning adult after the drama and heartbreak of high school.

[50:55] Every week on The JV Club with Janet Varney.

[50:57] Find it on Maximum Fun.

S5

[50:59] Or wherever you get your podcasts.

[51:01] This is a judgment-free show.

[51:04] Hi, I'm Biz, host of One Bad Mother.

[51:06] Whether you're a parent or just know kids exist in the world, join us each week as we honestly share what it's like to be a parent.

Elliott Kalan

[51:14] I signed my stepson up for a camp that is actually in another state.

S5

[51:19] I feel really stupid and I don't think we're going to get the money back.

Elliott Kalan

[51:22] And then he found out that the car manual is a book about cars.

[51:26] So now he's reading our car manual.

[51:27] We are excited.

S5

[51:30] So join us each week as we judge less, laugh more, and remind you that you are doing a great job.

[51:38] Download One Bad Mother on MaximumFun.org.

[51:42] And yes, there will be swears.

Dan McCoy

[51:44] Hey, let's talk about our sponsors.

[51:49] Stuart, I believe you have a message from one of our generous sponsors.

Stuart Wellington

[51:55] Now, unfortunately for the characters in Firestarter, they were given a macro dose of high-strength psychedelics, which brought out their psychic powers.

[52:04] Instead, what I'm going to talk about today is microdosing.

[52:08] So you've probably heard about microdosing, and if not, just know that all sorts of people are microdosing daily to feel healthier and perform better.

[52:16] Our show today is sponsored by Microdose Gummies.

[52:19] Microdose Gummies deliver perfect entry-level doses of THC that help you feel just the right amount of good.

[52:27] I'm a user of Microdose Gummies.

[52:30] I find them to be a great way to relax and also maybe to wipe out the feelings of discomfort from watching the movie Firestarter.

[52:40] They help me do creative projects.

[52:44] The big thing for me is that it helps me sleep, which is nice.

[52:46] Helps me wind down at the end of the day and turn my brain off.

[52:51] So Microdose Gummies are available nationwide.

[52:54] To learn more about microdosing THC, go to microdose.com and use code FLOP to get free shipping and 30% off your first order.

[53:05] Links can be found in our show description.

[53:07] And again, that's microdose.com, code FLOP.

Dan McCoy

[53:12] We're also sponsored in part by Squarespace, which is the all-in-one platform for building your brand and growing your business online.

[53:21] You can stand out with a beautiful website, engage with your audience, and sell anything that's products, content you create, even your time with Squarespace.

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[53:54] And, of course, all websites are optimized for mobile.

[53:58] It would be nutty at this point if they were not optimized for mobile.

[54:02] Content automatically adjusts so your site looks great on any device.

[54:07] So why not go to squarespace.com slash FLOP for a free trial.

[54:13] And when you're ready to launch, use offer code FLOP to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[54:23] Hey, this first letter is from Jill, last name withheld, who writes,

[54:28] Lovely peaches.

[54:29] Really enjoyed your last ep on Death on the Nile.

[54:33] Okay.

[54:34] And the discussion on changing stories slash characters.

[54:38] And I wanted to send a line on my personal frustration.

[54:41] Agatha Christie purposefully wrote Hercule Poirot to not have an interest in sex or romance.

[54:47] We get so little asexual and aromantic representation, it makes me super sad to see that they change it, especially in such a lazy way.

[54:56] So I was hoping y'all might suggest some good asexual or aromantic stories to watch instead of being sad about another retconned Poirot.

[55:06] Keep on flopping in the free world.

[55:08] Jill, last name withheld.

[55:10] Well, of course, you can turn to the other major detective in the English canon.

[55:19] Encyclopedia Browns.

Stuart Wellington

[55:22] Sherlock Holmes.

Dan McCoy

[55:24] Although that, you know, he is often also retconned to be in love with Irene Adler.

[55:31] A character who he merely admires in the one story she appears in.

[55:37] But you can find plenty of home stories that don't involve her.

[55:43] Also, there's a little, there's a, you know, there's some stories that involve a lot of fellowship and the exchange of rings.

[55:54] But without a lot of romance.

[55:55] I like the way you did that.

[55:58] Stuart might know them.

[56:00] It's called Ring Boys.

[56:02] It's called Ring Boys.

[56:04] Ring Boys.

Elliott Kalan

[56:07] They're like, okay, we're making Lord of the Rings, but we gotta, we gotta make it modern.

[56:11] We gotta make it hip and edgy.

[56:12] So we're calling it Ring Boys with a Z.

[56:15] It's like Entourage, but in Middle Earth.

[56:17] Anyway, so here's Frodo.

[56:19] He's kind of the, he's kind of the E of the group.

[56:22] Although Sam, I guess, is kind of the E of the group.

[56:24] Then there's Merry and Pippin.

[56:25] They're both kind of the E of the group.

[56:26] And then Gollum.

[56:27] He's like Turtle.

[56:28] Anyway, Ring Boys.

Stuart Wellington

[56:29] You know, all those jokes reminded me that we did that live show on the Entourage movie.

[56:37] But I have no memory of what happens in that movie.

Dan McCoy

[56:41] All I remember in that movie is that.

[56:42] I think it's just a bunch of naked people dancing.

Elliott Kalan

[56:45] I remember, I remember, the only scene I remember is the scene from Vince's directorial debut.

[56:51] That futuristic version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

[56:53] Where it's like a rave scene and it looks so dumb and so bad.

[56:57] And the rest of the movie is about what a brilliant movie that is.

[57:00] And then it wins the Golden Globe.

Dan McCoy

[57:02] Hell yeah.

[57:03] Oh man, I was wrong.

[57:04] That's a good movie.

[57:07] Any good non-romance focused movies?

Stuart Wellington

[57:12] I mean, there's a lot of movies without romance, obviously.

Dan McCoy

[57:15] But like movies with like a strong relationship between people that don't have, I don't know, don't feel the need for a romance.

[57:22] Man, now my brain is not working.

[57:26] That's all right.

[57:27] We talked some of them.

Elliott Kalan

[57:28] I mean, a movie that, I mean, it depends on what kind of movie you like to watch is the thing.

[57:33] I find that a lot of the movies that I know that don't have romance, I would say romance, which is not how people pronounce that word.

[57:40] Romance, I'm glad.

[57:42] A lot of the movies that I can think of that don't have romance are like guys on a mission movies.

[57:48] If it's like The Dirty Dozen, there's that one scene where they dance with those English women, but that's about it.

[57:52] Or like The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, or Dark of the Sun, which is a movie about mercenaries in Africa.

[57:58] I don't know if that's the kind of movie you're looking for, but there's a lot of that kind of movie.

[58:02] But also, if you can put up with Kevin Spacey in your movie, there's the movie Margin Call, which is about the 2008 financial crisis.

[58:11] And it has the most boring trailer I had ever seen for a movie.

[58:15] The trailer was just people talking about financial stuff, and I was like, all these big-name stars, this movie looks so dull.

[58:20] And then I watched it, and I was like, no, this is a gripping movie.

[58:23] This movie is really good.

[58:24] And I don't think there's any romance in that.

[58:26] And surprisingly, for a movie about the financial industry, no scenes with lap dancing in them, which normally the movies make you think that that's all that they do when they're not just ripping off everyone else in America.

[58:37] But other than that, I mean, there's lots of documentaries that don't have romance in them.

[58:40] Like, if you want to watch Harlan County, USA, which is about a miners' strike, you know, that's a great movie.

[58:47] There's no romance in it.

[58:48] I think maybe we're drifting away from the original spirit of it.

Stuart Wellington

[58:51] I will say, for me, that's one of the appeals of Breaking Bad and even more Better Call Saul is that I feel like that romantic relationships and, like, sex very rarely, if never, seems to be a driving force for these characters.

[59:09] And particularly in Better Call Saul, where you have, like, two characters who are married, but there's, like, their love is not the drive of the show.

[59:19] Like, they're this, like, comfortable married couple, which I find very, like, I find something very pleasant about it.

[59:26] Like, two characters who are just really comfortable together and it not being an issue, like, not being this, like, whirlwind romance thing.

[59:33] But I don't know.

[59:34] It's not quite the same thing, but it's all this talk made me think of it.

[59:38] No, I like that.

Elliott Kalan

[59:40] I mean, there's no, I mean, there's, I mean, I mean, there's no, I mean, you can watch Alien.

[59:45] There's no I-Team.

[59:45] Alien doesn't have any romance in it.

[59:47] There's a little bit of sexuality around the xenomorph, which is a horrifying vision of sex gone wrong, but I don't know if that's the same thing.

Stuart Wellington

[59:55] I mean, the movie Dragon Slayer doesn't have any romance.

Elliott Kalan

[59:58] Okay, let's, again.

[59:59] And neither does Dragon Heart, now that I think about it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:02] I don't know.

[1:00:02] I don't know about that.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:03] I'm going to have to check the tapes.

[1:00:06] I apologize.

[1:00:07] I apologize.

[1:00:08] They were dumb.

[1:00:11] Hey, this is Matthew.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:13] I want to say less dumb and more just didn't have a lot of time to research and think about the question.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:18] Matthew, last name withheld, writes in.

[1:00:21] Lillard?

[1:00:23] I have to assume so.

[1:00:25] Well, let's see.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:26] He does sign his letter, Wing Commander.

[1:00:28] I think, yeah, it is.

[1:00:29] Oh, shit.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:31] Hello, Dan.

[1:00:32] I hope this finds you well.

[1:00:33] Elliot's seemingly endless list of discrete concepts from the mini episode, Flophouse the Movie, got stuck in my head.

[1:00:42] It was intolerable.

[1:00:44] I attribute its catchiness to its chaos.

[1:00:47] The mind exhausts itself, churning through the list again and again, desperately searching for any hint of a pattern.

[1:00:54] It has haunted the dusty corridors of my dome for too long.

[1:00:58] So I've rearranged your nonsense and organized it into a fucking narrative.

[1:01:02] So there.

[1:01:04] Ha.

[1:01:04] I won.

[1:01:06] It's now a vacation anthem.

[1:01:07] Love the show.

[1:01:08] I'm currently named Cool Video James or Buck Think, formerly known as Scott Dracula Cosmic Rays.

[1:01:15] Or formally?

[1:01:16] Formally.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:17] I don't know why that's formal.

[1:01:18] I'll be puzzling out that last sentence for a long time.

[1:01:21] Yeah.

[1:01:22] So your revenge has been served.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:25] This is, okay, so this is in reference to a song that he sent.

[1:01:29] Now, we're not that good at this.

[1:01:33] We're going to figure out some way that we can all listen to this song.

[1:01:37] Because Elliot and Stuart will be hearing it for the first time.

[1:01:41] And Alex, you drop the song in here.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:45] It's going to be great when Dan goes to visit Elliot in L.A.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:50] I think that would be really cool.

[1:01:52] Something new that the kids haven't seen yet.

[1:01:55] Wow.

[1:01:56] Quite a buildup.

[1:02:01] Something new that the kids haven't seen.

[1:02:02] And they're broken stock shoes.

[1:02:03] And they're all the rockets.

[1:02:05] I don't feel like there's that much of a narrative.

[1:02:15] Totally upset.

[1:02:17] Alzheimer's.

[1:02:18] Those like a couple of tea combs.

[1:02:19] Yeah.

[1:02:19] Really, I love them.

[1:02:20] It's in there.

[1:02:21] Shirts of the peanuts.

[1:02:23] Their heart.

[1:02:24] Floors.

[1:02:25] Yeah.

[1:02:25] They're walking.

[1:02:26] Closets.

[1:02:27] Palm trees.

[1:02:32] I think that would be really cool.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:42] Palm trees.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:43] And they're outside of the car dealerships.

[1:03:01] Enormous flags that just have a picture of the devil.

[1:03:04] Ernie.

[1:03:05] Says hey buddy.

[1:03:06] Ernie.

[1:03:08] Ernie.

[1:03:10] Ernie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:14] Yeah, I guess I could talk about like.

[1:03:16] Felling papes on a tree.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:23] Yeah.

[1:03:23] They know that we had plastic bags and ziplock tops.

[1:03:26] We put in there.

[1:03:27] Wim caps.

[1:03:28] Pick up trucks.

[1:03:29] Plastic hours.

[1:03:30] All coke in.

[1:03:31] Ample covers.

[1:03:32] Temporary tattoos.

[1:03:33] That's just like a tiger.

[1:03:34] It's the day with the clouds.

[1:03:36] Squirt floopers.

[1:03:37] Halloween.

[1:03:38] Roller disco.

[1:03:39] You know what's up?

[1:03:40] I don't know.

[1:03:40] What do you put down a chain?

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:42] Life like.

[1:03:43] And that's a mission.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:15] Kids these days they've got hacksaws.

[1:04:18] Hush puppies and stuffed animal rigs.

[1:04:20] With lots of multicolored colors on it.

[1:04:23] Pick up trucks.

[1:04:25] Clown noses.

[1:04:26] You know.

[1:04:27] Gloves without the fingers.

[1:04:29] That they can handle twins.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:30] There you go.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:46] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:46] Dan, have I been.

[1:04:56] Have I just been microdosed?

[1:04:58] Hold on.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:01] Okay.

[1:05:02] What did you guys think of that?

[1:05:05] I mean, I'm so glad to have given.

[1:05:08] Matthew last name was that.

[1:05:09] Yeah.

[1:05:09] Help give birth to that art.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:11] I take issue with the idea that there's now a narrative attached to that.

[1:05:15] To those words.

[1:05:17] A loose narrative.

[1:05:18] I have a question.

[1:05:19] It's like Mad God.

[1:05:21] Yeah.

[1:05:22] Do you guys.

[1:05:23] Is that the kind of music you guys just listen to around the house while you're doing things?

Dan McCoy

[1:05:29] I wouldn't say I generally like put it on.

[1:05:33] I was definitely singing this.

[1:05:37] Well, the chorus.

[1:05:38] I don't remember any of the verse.

[1:05:40] All I remember is something about gloves with no fingers so they can handle change.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:44] I'm pretty old fashioned actually.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:46] When I'm around the house, if I'm going to be listening to music, it's always old time rock and roll by Bob Seger.

[1:05:52] I'm always just in my underpants and sunglasses.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:57] And a button down shirt.

[1:05:58] Yeah.

[1:05:58] And a button down shirt.

[1:05:59] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:59] Because it's, you know, what if company comes over?

[1:06:03] That's the thing.

[1:06:04] The wildest shit is the fact that he's wearing socks.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:08] So he can slide on the floor.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:10] Still, it's bonkers.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:11] Yeah.

[1:06:12] That shit's wild.

[1:06:14] Good news, everyone.

[1:06:15] I just got word from my dad that they're frequently delayed flight.

[1:06:21] Got them home after their trip out to New York to not really see me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:27] I thought you were going to say good news.

[1:06:29] My dad just called and he just said it's a number one hit in Germany.

[1:06:32] That song we just heard.

[1:06:35] Yeah.

[1:06:35] Let's go to Bear Gain.

[1:06:36] They want us for the video.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:39] But we couldn't record it.

[1:06:40] Speaking of the video, if you want to make one, go ahead.

[1:06:43] Do it.

[1:06:46] Why not?

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:47] Somebody in the Netherlands is going to be walking around with that as their ringtone.

[1:06:51] And I'm going to be very excited about it.

[1:06:52] Yeah.

[1:06:53] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:53] So that was great.

[1:06:56] Thank you for that, Matt.

[1:06:56] That was great.

[1:06:57] Thank you.

[1:06:59] Let's move on through this uncharacteristically tight episode of The Flophouse and recommend a movie you should definitely watch instead of spending your time on the remake of Firestarter.

[1:07:15] Or even the original of Firestarter, for that matter.

[1:07:18] Even the original.

[1:07:21] So I'd like to say yesterday was the 4th of July.

[1:07:30] Is Dan going to recommend Born on the 4th of July?

[1:07:35] No.

[1:07:35] I mean, look, I have no particular affinity for the holiday.

[1:07:41] Less so this year where I am deeply dissatisfied by many things in the country.

[1:07:48] But I do have an attachment to the day, July 4th, because that was the day last year that I got engaged.

[1:07:57] And during, you know, my…

[1:08:00] July 4th is the day you got engaged.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:02] That's also the day I got engaged.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:05] Really?

[1:08:05] Yeah.

[1:08:06] Not the same year.

[1:08:06] We talked about this last year.

[1:08:09] Yeah, we did.

[1:08:10] Anyway.

[1:08:10] Well, during my recovery from being sick, Audrey and I had like a nice little 4th of July double feature where we each picked a movie to watch.

[1:08:27] Oh, I feel bad for her.

[1:08:29] We watched…

[1:08:30] No, no, she…

[1:08:31] My movie was Inside Llewyn Davis, which I thought she would like.

[1:08:35] Which you thought was a porno.

[1:08:36] And she did.

[1:08:37] Okay.

[1:08:37] She liked it very much.

[1:08:40] And I was introduced to a movie from her childhood, Nanny McPhee.

[1:08:48] Well, not her childhood.

[1:08:49] I mean, but like a movie that I was not familiar with.

[1:08:54] It's okay, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:54] You can talk about how you have a child, Brian.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:57] She's younger than me, but not so much younger that Nanny McPhee would be.

[1:09:02] Anyway.

[1:09:03] But…

[1:09:03] Do you think like she shared a movie with me from her childhood, Firestarter 2022?

[1:09:07] Yeah, yeah.

[1:09:11] I didn't have any idea what to expect out of this movie.

[1:09:15] I was like, hmm, Nanny McPhee.

[1:09:17] I'm an adult person.

[1:09:19] And I heard mixed reviews for this film.

[1:09:22] You know?

[1:09:23] But like I think that often with a movie that's like a family or a kids movie that gets mixed reviews.

[1:09:29] Like something like Nanny McPhee is a very like retro style kids movie.

[1:09:36] It is explicitly sort of riffing on Mary Poppins, but in sort of a darker way.

[1:09:45] It's got kind of a more of a Roald Dahl feeling.

[1:09:47] I know it's based on there's like a series of Nurse Matilda books in England from the 60s.

[1:09:53] But it's got that sort of kind of British Roald Dahl vibe to it.

[1:10:02] And I think that…

[1:10:03] So she doesn't like Jewish people.

[1:10:06] Yeah.

[1:10:08] Often when like those movies are new, critics are hard on them because they're like comparing them to some sort of fantasy version of like a childhood favorite of theirs.

[1:10:25] Whereas once some time has passed, time flattens out and everything in the past is just part of the past.

[1:10:34] And you don't feel like the need to like hold things to like this weird standard anymore.

[1:10:40] And this is all just a very like not concise way of saying that I enjoyed it.

[1:10:50] It was very silly.

[1:10:53] It had a lot of laughs.

[1:10:55] Like it was just a goofy movie that also had like…

[1:10:59] But not a goofy movie.

[1:11:01] Not…

[1:11:02] No, I mean, Emma Thompson, obviously Nanny McPhee.

[1:11:06] I was waiting for it.

[1:11:07] I was waiting for it and it did not disappoint.

[1:11:09] You have Colin Firth in it.

[1:11:12] And most importantly, you have Angela Lansbury in it as…

[1:11:19] I'm just thinking about the way Elliot held his breath there for a second.

[1:11:24] Angela Lansbury as a dowager aunt who is deliberately sort of like both in the way she is dressed and the prosthetic beak-like nose made up to look like a hen.

[1:11:40] Like a chicken that has wandered into the movie.

[1:11:44] And I don't know.

[1:11:45] It's just fun.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:45] She's playing Mark McKinney's chicken lady character.

[1:11:48] Yeah.

[1:11:49] For Kids in the Hall.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:49] Basically.

[1:11:50] Basically.

[1:11:51] Guys, I may have reached the point at which I can no longer talk correctly.

[1:11:57] So, you guys got to take over because I think that that was just a garbled word salad.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:02] So, when you guys decided to do this double feature and she gave her choice, did you immediately like run over to Letterboxd or Rotten Tomatoes and be like, let me just double check what the critics are thinking about this one?

[1:12:16] Let me see what the top fresh rating is.

[1:12:18] There's definitely sometimes where when Charlene and I are like, she'll suggest some like random shit that popped up on a streaming service and I'm like, oh, that sounds like garbage.

[1:12:28] And sometimes I will like look at this, which is stupid.

[1:12:31] Like, just watch it, suck it up, make my partner happy, whatever.

[1:12:36] But every once in a while, I'm like, I need to check to see what the critics thought of that fucking Melissa McCarthy movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:45] Yeah.

[1:12:46] I mean, if it's something that Melissa McCarthy made with her husband, maybe I would also feel that way.

[1:12:57] But Audrey would have been in college when Nanny McPhee came out.

[1:13:01] I want to make this clear.

[1:13:03] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:04] Yeah.

[1:13:04] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:05] And she wasn't a Doogie Howser, right?

[1:13:09] No, she wasn't a Doogie Howser.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:13] All right.

[1:13:13] Anyway.

[1:13:14] I'm afraid that your child is what we've termed a Doogie Howser.

[1:13:17] Oh, that's a good thing, right?

[1:13:18] No, no, not at all.

[1:13:20] No.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:21] Speaking of Doogie Howser and Inside Llewyn Davis, it was only on this rewatch.

[1:13:26] That I'm like, fucking Vinny Delvecchio is in this movie.

[1:13:31] You didn't recognize him?

[1:13:33] No, I didn't recognize Doogie's pal.

[1:13:36] Yeah, Max.

[1:13:36] Also, our Max Fun cohort, Helen Hong has a small role in it.

[1:13:46] Wish I was delighted to see Inside Llewyn Davis.

[1:13:49] Anyway, Stuart, you look like you're raring to recommend.

[1:13:51] Oh, shit.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:52] I guess I am.

[1:13:53] I'm going to recommend a movie I watched a little bit ago that I don't think I've recommended.

[1:13:59] I'm recommending a movie that is streaming on Hulu called Fire Island.

[1:14:05] It is a-

[1:14:05] Oh, I thought you were going to say starter.

[1:14:06] Fire starter.

[1:14:07] Fire starter.

[1:14:09] And you're like, wait, I had to watch it on-

[1:14:12] I watched it on Peacock, a much worse streaming service than Hulu.

[1:14:16] So, yeah.

[1:14:18] Fire Island.

[1:14:19] It is a rom-com that is very indebted to Jane Austen.

[1:14:24] Now, that's short for Roman comedy, right?

[1:14:27] It is.

[1:14:28] Comedy set in Rome.

[1:14:29] Well, based on some of the haircuts-

[1:14:30] Well, mostly Roman holiday.

[1:14:33] So, it's what, like, written in stars Joel Kim Booster and Bowen Yang and Margaret Cho.

[1:14:42] And it is about a group of friends who are going to spend the week at Fire Island together.

[1:14:51] And, you know, along the way, they find love.

[1:14:54] And they, you know, they reaffirm their friendships and all that stuff.

[1:14:59] And it's cute.

[1:14:59] And it's fun.

[1:15:01] And there's a lot of hunks.

[1:15:03] Oh, boy.

[1:15:04] So many hunks.

[1:15:05] So many hard bodies.

[1:15:07] And at first, I was like, before I kind of figured, like, realized that it was going for a Jane Austen thing, I thought there's Joel Kim Booster's character gives a lot of narration.

[1:15:18] And at first, I'm like, are they just trying to explain?

[1:15:21] Are they, like, explaining, like, gay culture to the normals?

[1:15:25] But it works within the Jane Austen framework.

[1:15:28] And it's funny and cute.

[1:15:30] And also, having last summer, Char and I finally went out and stayed with some friends on Fire Island.

[1:15:37] And we got to see some places that were familiar to us, including the Ice Palace, where Charlene got yelled at by a drag queen.

[1:15:46] So, it was great.

[1:15:47] Good times.

[1:15:48] So, if you want to enjoy the movie just like I did, watch Fire Island.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:54] I feel like there's a lot of steps to go through to enjoy the movie specifically like you did.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:58] Back in time.

[1:16:00] Quantum leap into my body.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:03] I have a movie to recommend, too.

[1:16:05] You know, the movie we talked about today, Firestarter 2022, is about a family in crisis with a daughter who is having problems controlling an issue that her parents don't know how to deal with.

[1:16:19] And it reminded me a lot of a movie I saw recently.

[1:16:21] That's right.

[1:16:22] Through a Glass Darkly.

[1:16:23] Directed by Ingmar Bergman and starring Harriet Anderson and Max von Sydow and Gunnar Bjornstrand.

[1:16:30] Harry Anderson.

[1:16:31] And not Harry Anderson.

[1:16:33] No, not Mike Wirtz.

[1:16:35] Harry Anderson.

[1:16:36] But the actress Harriet Anderson.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:38] But think about Harry Anderson and Max von Sydow.

[1:16:41] What the fuck did they talk about?

[1:16:44] Magic, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:46] Yeah, the magic.

[1:16:47] Yeah, the magic of acting.

[1:16:48] The gathering?

[1:16:49] Actual magic.

[1:16:49] Yeah, magic.

[1:16:51] Harry Anderson and Max von Sydow were both huge magic, the gathering players.

[1:16:54] Oh, shit.

[1:16:55] Yeah.

[1:16:56] Oh, man.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:57] You know that Max von Sydow only plays Black Dex.

[1:17:00] He's like, swamp, swamp, swamp.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:02] You know, he's called, they go, yes, operator, could you send me to Wizards of the Coast?

[1:17:10] I have some complaints to make.

[1:17:13] I don't like the way they change the art in Demon of the Pit, whatever it's called, whatever

[1:17:17] that art is called.

[1:17:18] It's a Lord of the Pit.

[1:17:19] Lord of the Pit, thank you.

[1:17:21] So anyway, it's a story of, there's just four actors in the whole thing.

[1:17:25] It's a story of a woman who is dealing with schizophrenia, her husband, and her father and her brother.

[1:17:33] And they each have different issues relating to each other, relating to themselves, and relating

[1:17:38] to God and their place in the universe.

[1:17:40] And it is a movie with no supernatural elements that nonetheless-

[1:17:45] Except for Max von Sydow.

[1:17:48] Except for the existence of Max von Sydow, Magic the Gathering, Magic the Gathering Champ.

[1:17:53] You know that, so Harry Anderson, he would really annoy Max von Sydow on set.

[1:17:57] I don't know what set they were both working on together.

[1:17:59] But they would play Magic the Gathering together, and he would make Max von Sydow's cards disappear

[1:18:02] in the middle of the game.

[1:18:04] He'd go, Harry, please, I'm trying to play a serious game of Magic the Gathering with you.

[1:18:08] And you keep with your tricks and jokes and japes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:13] And you would think that Max von Sydow and Werner Herzog would play cards together, but it

[1:18:18] turns out Werner Herzog's more of a Yu-Gi-Oh! guy.

[1:18:21] Yo, yo.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:23] You know, when I look at Yu-Gi-Oh!

[1:18:26] I see the chaos and unmeaningness of the universe, and I feel I have to catch all these monsters

[1:18:31] and have them battle each other.

[1:18:33] For what reason?

[1:18:34] None other than the superiority of my deck.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:37] Exactly.

[1:18:38] He's like, okay.

[1:18:40] I regret to inform you that I once again have drawn my blue-eyes white dragon.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:45] I heard a tale of a race of digital monsters or Digimon, but I have not yet been able to explore.

[1:18:56] Wow.

[1:18:56] Yeah, he just loves it all.

[1:18:57] He loves the whole range.

[1:19:00] Yeah.

[1:19:00] The whole thing.

[1:19:02] He's so into collectible games of all kinds.

[1:19:06] Collectible card games.

[1:19:07] Anyway.

[1:19:09] I find the challenge of Pokemon is to catch them all, and you can never catch them all, but that team rocket is always trying to stop me, and I feel like I need to get in their way first.

[1:19:20] Anyway.

[1:19:22] Anyway, Through a Glass Darkly, it won the Academy Award for Best Foreign Language Film.

[1:19:25] And it's kind of a chamber drama of a family, and like I said, there's no supernatural elements, but there's a strange kind of darkness and eeriness to it, and I found it very haunting.

[1:19:37] So that's Through a Glass Darkly.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:39] Okay.

[1:19:40] Three recommendations.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:42] Hey, sounds great.

[1:19:45] Let's wrap this thing up.

[1:19:48] Slap a bow on it.

[1:19:50] Pipe it out to the podcast pals out there in Podcasting Alliance.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:54] It's just a celebration of movies, you know?

[1:19:56] That's what we're doing here.

[1:19:57] Yeah.

[1:19:58] That's what it really is.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:59] We should call this the Flophouse.

[1:20:00] We're just a celebration of movies.

[1:20:01] A celebration of movies.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:04] Yeah.

[1:20:04] A Flophouse.

[1:20:04] A celebration of movies.

[1:20:06] Okay.

[1:20:07] Well, I'm going to just—

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:08] Now I really want to write a one-act play about Harry Anderson and Max von Sino playing Clayton.

[1:20:13] Playing Magic the Gathering.

[1:20:14] Yeah, that's great.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:16] Okay.

[1:20:18] Thank you to MaximumFun.org.

[1:20:21] It's our podcast network.

[1:20:23] Go over there.

[1:20:25] Check out some other podcasts.

[1:20:27] Thank you to Alex Smith, our producer, for putting this thing together.

[1:20:32] Thank you for coming back from being on the beach last time.

[1:20:36] I'm sorry that I mixed the last episode a little low, but it sounds fine.

[1:20:42] And thank you to you, the listener, for joining us yet again for this madness.

[1:20:48] But until next time, I'm Dan McCoy.

[1:20:52] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:20:54] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:20:57] Good night.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:00] I got a bit for this one.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:04] Do you?

[1:21:05] Yeah, I got a fucking bit.

[1:21:07] On this episode, we discuss Firestarter.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:10] Now, is it a freaky Firestarter or a meekly Firestarter?

[1:21:15] You be the judge.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:21] What?

[1:21:22] What does that mean?

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:24] I've got one, too.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:24] Why don't we try out this one, too?

[1:21:26] You're so excited about your hot bit.

[1:21:28] I have no idea.

[1:21:29] I have to be honest.

[1:21:30] I have no idea what that means.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:31] Dude, this episode's going to drop, and people are going to die from laughing so hard.

[1:21:38] It's going to be like the fucking Ringu of podcasts.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:43] Sure.

[1:21:44] All right.

[1:21:45] Yeah, let's do another take.

[1:21:47] Just in case we don't want to kill all of humanity.

[1:21:51] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:53] MaximumFun.org.

[1:21:54] Comedy and culture.

S6

[1:21:56] Artist owned.

[1:21:57] Audience supported.

Episode #374 - Firestarter (2022)

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