Ep. #379 - Pinocchio: A True Story

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Pinocchio, but not that one.

[0:06] Sorry, I don't know if that left you any room to do anything else.

[0:09] I mean, not really.

[0:10] I mean, that's fine.

[0:10] That's that you could do the joke.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to The Flophouse with me, Dan McCoy.

[0:40] I think there's some problems with our with our A.I.

[0:43] Dan that's built out of recordings of Dan's previous episodes.

[0:47] We're just going to keep going.

[0:48] OK, let's go.

[0:49] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:51] I'm Elliot Kalin trying to speak like a normal person.

[0:56] How's he doing?

[0:57] Right in.

[0:58] Hey, we're we're our our podcast is about bad movies.

[1:02] That's what we do.

[1:03] We do movies that have had critical or commercial dismissal by now.

[1:08] When you say community, we when you say we do movies that have had critical

[1:12] and commercial dispersal, we make them or we're not.

[1:15] Now, we are neither the directors nor the producers nor any of the above

[1:19] or below the line talent on this film, which is why we can to clarify so heartily.

[1:24] Dan is Dan is using the doing as in the theme song to the Ninja Turtles,

[1:28] where it says Donatello does machines.

[1:31] It's not saying that he say has sex with a automatic sperm extractor machine

[1:36] like I was showing Dan before the recording.

[1:38] It's talking about that.

[1:39] He spends time with them, creates them, reviews them.

[1:44] That's I think the difference he does when he says he does machines.

[1:47] I think it means he makes them, not that he does a podcast where he talks about machines.

[1:51] Then I have not been paying attention to Ninja Turtles.

[1:54] That's the case.

[1:55] I thought he just wrote like a column for popular mechanics.

[1:58] I know.

[1:58] I also want to confirm that Stewart did indeed come in and show me an automatic

[2:03] sperm extracting machine.

[2:04] Everything makes me think of her, you know, people, you know, much like the list of Amity

[2:08] films, people think that that was a made up goof rather than a real thing.

[2:13] Dan, are you in the market?

[2:14] Is that why?

[2:16] Uh, I don't know.

[2:17] I thought I would cheer him up.

[2:18] Stewart just happened to see it and was like, Hey, dude, take a look at it.

[2:23] Look at this.

[2:23] I'm like, yeah, that looks like it would get the job done.

[2:28] Considering that my hands can do it.

[2:30] I think that a high tech machine probably.

[2:33] Yeah, but that machine could do it 24 hours a day.

[2:35] Your hand has to take breaks.

[2:36] Thanks, unions.

[2:37] Inefficient.

[2:38] Yeah, I know.

[2:39] I'm just, I'm just, I'm just acknowledging that.

[2:41] I don't think it's a difficult, uh, mechanic necessarily.

[2:45] The, the stroke.

[2:47] Anyway, let's, let's move on.

[2:50] Do you think that's what the crash test dummies from the crash test dummies TV show are doing

[2:53] now since they don't have a show anymore?

[2:55] That's their job.

[2:55] Yeah.

[2:56] I don't know.

[2:56] I think it's insulting to suggest that sex work is a fallback profession.

[3:01] You know, you know what?

[3:03] I realized I just said, let's move on to non-masturbatory talk, but all talk in the

[3:06] flop house is by its nature.

[3:11] Is it?

[3:11] Couldn't you say that all filmmaking and all artistic expression is just man

[3:15] masturbating to the idea of creation?

[3:17] Something that only God can do.

[3:19] Yeah, yeah.

[3:19] I, I, you know, a little peek behind the curtain.

[3:22] I've been working on a writing, a writing project.

[3:26] And I, uh, you can tell us about your, your erotic fanfic.

[3:30] Sure.

[3:30] No, no, I'm trying to, I'm trying to sell a book.

[3:33] We'll see whether it actually gets anywhere, but I, I've been hampered in this by thinking

[3:38] all the way along the way, like who needs this?

[3:41] What, why, why do I think I can add anything to anything?

[3:44] That's a dangerous thing to think.

[3:46] That's a dangerous thing for creative reason.

[3:48] The answer is nobody.

[3:50] Yeah.

[3:51] I, I started thinking about that with a, I, I was working on stuff for a long time.

[3:55] I was working on a novel.

[3:56] I don't think I'm going to be able to sell it anywhere.

[3:58] And I started thinking like, is it worth it?

[4:01] Proprietary characters, right?

[4:03] Yeah, yeah.

[4:04] It's called, yeah, it's called, it's called Mickey Mouse meets, uh, it's called Mickey

[4:09] Mouse meets Godzilla versus deep throat.

[4:12] And so it's going to be hard to sell, but no, the, uh, and I started thinking nobody

[4:17] needs this and like, what's going to happen with it.

[4:20] And eventually all human culture will disappear when the human species ends.

[4:24] And then the universe is going to go into the eternal crunch and there's just going

[4:27] to be no heat or energy anywhere.

[4:29] So Dan, don't go down that.

[4:30] It's a slippery slope.

[4:31] You shouldn't go down.

[4:32] Does anyone need this?

[4:33] Yeah.

[4:34] What I would also suggest is think about all the times when you're sitting around and you're

[4:38] like, man, I just need something to waste away.

[4:41] Uh, some of the hours of this day, my life is, uh, you know, trudging along.

[4:47] I just need some more entertainment.

[4:49] And the piles and piles of content that is being shoved at me every day does not save

[4:54] that fix.

[4:55] So you can provide some more content, some more people to devour.

[4:59] That's true.

[5:00] Not enough stuff out in the world.

[5:03] Yeah, there just needs to be more, needs to be more junk to be pushed, shoved into the

[5:07] mall of America.

[5:08] Yeah.

[5:08] Well, now I just say mall of America.

[5:10] The mall of America is a great place.

[5:12] There's just, you know, it's just a quality quality place to spend your time.

[5:15] There's an indoor roller coaster.

[5:16] But the law of America is a hideous, unending, bottomless abyss.

[5:20] Yeah.

[5:21] You know, well, as usual, masturbation has been followed by an existential crisis.

[5:25] So let's move on to the show, which is, uh, as I said, about bad movies.

[5:32] In September.

[5:34] Well, you said we do bad movies.

[5:35] That's true.

[5:36] He's got you there, buddy.

[5:37] We talk about them.

[5:38] And in small timber slash small Denver, we talk about.

[5:42] Thank you for recognizing my faith, Dan.

[5:44] Movies that are a little smaller.

[5:47] And you might be confused.

[5:48] You might be like Pinocchio.

[5:49] Isn't that a big Disney release straight to Disney plus from Robert Zemeckis?

[5:55] Bobby Z.

[5:56] Yeah, the famous Bobby Z.

[5:58] But we're not doing that one.

[6:01] We're doing, um, you know, this is actually it's Kismet.

[6:06] We're in a weird way, hitching our wagon to another movie that appears to be kind of a

[6:10] critical flop.

[6:11] But, uh, it's almost like we're making a mock buster.

[6:14] Mm hmm.

[6:15] And this one, this is a mock buster of a podcast about Pinocchio.

[6:20] Yeah, make this movie.

[6:21] Yeah.

[6:21] So this one is a rush.

[6:23] It started out.

[6:24] It was a Russian film, and it has been dubbed, I would say, indifferently into English, mostly

[6:30] by a cast of of Russian English speakers.

[6:34] But the three major characters are American voices.

[6:40] Tom Kenny, who is obviously great.

[6:43] But but not people than this.

[6:46] He's great.

[6:46] Many other things.

[6:47] Many other things.

[6:49] What's it?

[6:49] What's in Tom Kenny?

[6:51] Well, he was best known now as the voice of SpongeBob.

[6:54] Oh, cool.

[6:55] OK, does a lot of cartoon voices.

[6:57] But, yeah, he was on Mr. Show.

[6:58] And he's he was on.

[6:59] You may know him from MTV's The Edge sketch show from the 1990s.

[7:03] OK, normally a terrific voice actor here.

[7:06] He is hampered by the fact that it seems like no no one spent more than an hour recording

[7:10] their lines.

[7:11] And why would they, Dan?

[7:12] To be honest, that's the right amount of time for this.

[7:14] And we've also got John Hader as the as the horse and Pauly Shore as Pinocchio, the natural

[7:23] casting for this.

[7:24] And I want to ask you guys, a grown man voicing a little wooden boy.

[7:27] It's perfect.

[7:29] Now, but he is kind of a boy at heart.

[7:31] Pauly Shore is a figure that, like, I feel like people today would be like, oh, he must

[7:37] have made sense at the time.

[7:38] And I want to say, no, I never understood what the deal was.

[7:41] Can you guys explain Pauly Shore to me?

[7:43] Because he would be on MTV.

[7:45] He'd be talking about how he is the weasel and you're dealing with the weasel.

[7:51] And I would watch it like it was.

[7:54] And I remember when he was sued by Elie Wiesel, yeah, for for copyright infringement.

[7:59] But I would be sitting there, young Dan would be watching Mr. P.

[8:02] Shore wondering, where's the joke here?

[8:05] What is going on?

[8:06] What is happening?

[8:07] I'll tell you this, explain this to me.

[8:08] I'll explain it.

[8:09] His mother ran the most famous standup club in Los Angeles, right?

[8:15] And so she was very valuable to a lot of people's careers.

[8:18] And like many people who are successful in Hollywood, inexplicably, his family was involved

[8:24] in the business.

[8:24] And so if you've ever listened to an episode of WTF, you know that his mother, Mitzi Shore,

[8:29] ran the Laugh Factory.

[8:30] I believe it was.

[8:31] Right.

[8:31] So the so he was the one who was dramatized in.

[8:36] Was it a Showtime show?

[8:38] Yes, I think it was called I'm Dying Up Here.

[8:39] Yes.

[8:41] Yeah.

[8:41] And there's a good book about it.

[8:42] I think of the same name.

[8:43] It's called The Bible.

[8:48] Anyway, a good book about the comedy writer's strike, the comedian's strike, not comedy

[8:52] writer's strike.

[8:53] That's every 20 years, a comedy writer's strike, the standup strike of the Laugh Factory.

[8:58] But he I say when I was young, I also didn't understand the joke.

[9:02] I still don't understand the joke.

[9:03] But it seems like he's trying to fill he's trying to fill the role that was filled by

[9:08] the animal houses of yore, where he's kind of like a party guy who's just like.

[9:13] Trickster spirit.

[9:14] And trickster spirit.

[9:15] Yeah.

[9:16] And that came up.

[9:16] And so he was taking much like the Marx Brothers.

[9:18] He took the piss out of the military within the army now.

[9:21] He took the piss out of society with with son in law, out of science, with biodome,

[9:27] much like the Marx Brothers did with horse.

[9:28] And I feel like I feel like biodome has had a little bit of a cultural reevaluation.

[9:33] I could be giving it too much credit.

[9:35] I feel like you're wrong about that.

[9:37] I could be wrong.

[9:38] Also, I was I'm never I've never been a fan.

[9:41] I don't I want to be fair to him.

[9:42] Like, I could see him if you put him as Dan doesn't like Encino man, huh?

[9:48] If he doesn't like Brendan Fraser, huh?

[9:52] Oh, yeah.

[9:53] Suddenly, Dan doesn't like George of the Jungle or Dudley, do right or left from the past.

[9:57] I am Dan says the way for the.

[10:00] flop the resurgence of Brendan Fraser's career after he had a lot of bad luck, both physical

[10:06] and emotional.

[10:07] I'm all for Brendan Fraser.

[10:08] Dan wouldn't watch the TV show, Fraser, because he thought it was about Brendan Fraser.

[10:11] Anyway.

[10:12] I could see Pauly Shore being kind of a good second banana in something, but they tried

[10:17] to make him a giant banana, a major banana.

[10:20] But I do think that, I guess- Dan, major banana has proudly served our country

[10:25] for many years.

[10:26] I feel like Will Ferrell is better as a second banana.

[10:29] No offense to Will Ferrell, he's very talented, but I think he goes down a little easier when

[10:34] he's not the main character.

[10:36] I can see Pauly Shore sort of fitting into that 90s surge of extreme, but also laid back

[10:42] Southern California feeling.

[10:45] He is like the Michelangelo from the Ninja Turtles.

[10:48] What?

[10:49] Yes.

[10:50] Kind of.

[10:51] If he was going to be a Ninja Turtle, sure.

[10:53] He's like sublime personified.

[10:55] Well, you're right.

[10:57] There was a period, did it start with Bill and Ted or did it happen before Bill and Ted,

[11:02] where there was this idea that people who said dude and radical and things like that

[11:06] and talked like this were like automatic comedy.

[11:10] He does slot into that brief window in American time.

[11:14] It was to the 90s what the hillbilly comedy renaissance of the 60s was.

[11:20] I feel like that was the main joke.

[11:23] That was what made Fast Times at Ridgemont High classified as a comedy, because I remember

[11:28] watching it and being like, this is not funny.

[11:30] Yeah, there's a sad experience with abortion in the middle of it.

[11:35] I mean, it was funny to watch the TV edit of it, which edited the Phoebe Cates, Judge

[11:39] Reinhold masturbation scene to remove all the masturbation parts, so it appeared as

[11:43] if this was actually happening in the world where Phoebe Cates was seducing him.

[11:47] All roads lead back to masturbation at the Fox.

[11:50] I will say a nice thing about Mr. Shore, I did a little research about this movie and

[11:55] this is all based on what people are saying on the internet, so who knows whether...

[12:00] So as much research as most people do for politics, yeah.

[12:05] And science.

[12:06] But this version of Pinocchio had kind of some viral fame, particularly on TikTok, because

[12:13] Pauly Shore was just doing his normal sort of Pauly Shore voice.

[12:17] I will say it's his normal voice, but with, if anything, less human and his intonations

[12:24] are weirder.

[12:25] Spoiler alert, Pinocchio becomes a real boy, and at the end they go, Pinocchio, you're

[12:29] alive, and he goes, yeah, so what?

[12:31] Something like that.

[12:32] They're like, yeah, so I am, and it's like, that's a weird read.

[12:36] It was just a very funny read.

[12:38] Well, and on TikTok, I think they were talking about the yassification of Pinocchio, like

[12:42] Pinocchio became sort of an ironic gay icon in the same way that the Babadook did.

[12:49] And what's funny is the Babadook has now become a sincere gay icon.

[12:52] Yeah.

[12:53] Unless thing, yeah, like it starts as irony and then unfortunately, I think due to the

[12:58] sad lack of non-gay specific gay stories, these things become real icons.

[13:06] But anyway, Pauly Shore embraced this wholeheartedly and with great fun, apparently, and I will

[13:15] say good on you, Mr. Shore.

[13:17] But anyway, let's get into the movie.

[13:19] Okay, we'll put that in the cheers section.

[13:21] Yeah.

[13:22] Cheers to Pauly Shore for his reaction to the movie.

[13:25] Cheers to the movie.

[13:28] Cheers to the nation of Russia that created the movie, which according to IMDb, one week

[13:31] after this movie was released in Russia, Russia invaded Ukraine, I have to assume as a way

[13:35] to escape watching Pinocchio, but I want to, on a serious note, I want to change the

[13:40] news cycle.

[13:41] We've got to change the way Pinocchio is a true story.

[13:47] And I'll take a serious moment to say that obviously the Flophouse stands with Ukraine.

[13:50] The Flophouse abhors what Russia has done and what we feel for both the people of Ukraine

[13:55] and the people of Russia who have been forced to take part in Putin's madness.

[14:00] If we say anything about Russia on this or the fact that we're covering this movie, don't

[14:02] take it as an endorsement of Russia or its actions.

[14:05] We obviously are on Ukraine's side and every day that Ukraine pushes forward and regains

[14:09] land is a happy day in the Flophouse household.

[14:12] So that being said, I did want to say it is surprising that Russia made such a bad Pinocchio

[14:18] movie.

[14:19] I assume Russia makes crap too, but of all the nations that can lay claim to a great

[14:24] filmmaking heritage, Russia is one of them.

[14:27] Like as great as the United States or Japan or France or any part of the world.

[14:35] Russia helped create film in the 19-teens and earlier.

[14:41] And so it's like, wow, you guys forgot everything you knew about making movies, huh?

[14:44] Well, as long as we're talking about this, this does bring up the other thing that came

[14:48] up in my research, which is that because Russia sort of didn't give a shit about copyright,

[14:56] Pinocchio is a big cultural figure in Russia, but not necessarily through the original Pinocchio,

[15:03] but through a rewritten Russian version.

[15:05] And it is my understanding that this movie of Pinocchio sort of combines version like

[15:10] parts of the original story and parts of this Russian version.

[15:13] I don't know how you're saying the Russian, a Russian novel of Pinocchio that came out

[15:17] or they like, they just rewrote it, you know, they just did a pirated, like the same thing

[15:21] happened with Don Quixote, where Cervantes had to write us, he had to release the second

[15:25] part of Don Quixote early because all these fake bootleg sequels to Don Quixote were coming

[15:30] out.

[15:31] Is that true?

[15:32] Yeah.

[15:33] That's awesome.

[15:34] There's no copyright law in the late 16th, early 17th centuries.

[15:38] That's probably where the background for Cervantes in the Soulcalibur series comes from.

[15:46] Like for some reason, the character of Cervantes, the author has ceased to write Don Quixote

[15:52] and is focused on his Soulcalibur abilities.

[15:55] Okay, let's, speaking of this fucking story, let's just dip into it.

[15:59] Unless you have something that's burning to talk about.

[16:01] No, maybe as we go along, maybe Dan, you can point out which things are from the Russian

[16:04] Pinocchio and which things are from the original Italian Pinocchio.

[16:07] Again, this is from stuff I saw people say on the internet, so take it with several grains

[16:13] of salt.

[16:14] So we'll turn to you if we need like IMDb goofs or some shit to jump in here.

[16:19] Okay, so the movie opens, we're greeted by Tybalt, a talking horse, who promises to tell

[16:24] us the true story, voiced by John Hader, right?

[16:28] Yeah, Napoleon Dynamite himself, John Hader playing the talking horse here.

[16:32] I'm sorry, I know that we just got into it, but I just, quickly, the convention of saying

[16:36] like blank a true story, I find always annoying and infuriating where it's like, okay, so

[16:45] the made up story that we heard before was incorrect.

[16:48] Here's a different made up story that is the true version.

[16:52] And it's not particularly different.

[16:54] It's not like there's no magic or anything like in this one.

[16:57] If anything, it's more arbitrarily magic.

[16:59] And I also feel like it's from movie makers thinking like, okay, we have to acknowledge

[17:05] that this is an old story that there's been several versions of before, so we'll set ours

[17:10] apart by being like, you thought you knew it, but here's the-

[17:13] Yeah, they didn't want to say like, Pinocchio, the good version.

[17:18] But I feel like in today's media world, it is more unusual to see a faithful retelling

[17:26] of an old story than it is like, what's our take on this?

[17:29] So it doesn't even work as that anymore.

[17:32] Yeah, yeah.

[17:33] It's like how a lot of the 90s comics writers from England, like, you know, Gaiman and specifically

[17:39] Alan Moore, initially focused on kind of subverting the medium, but then relatively quickly realized

[17:45] that they just wanted to make stories that harken back to the comics they love as kids,

[17:50] right?

[17:51] When he had an opportunity to make work for himself, Alan Moore started making America's

[17:55] Best Comics, which is really kind of like, just like old-timey comics, rather than some

[17:59] of the lazy comics that guys who are trying to make comics have.

[18:04] Are they like old-timey comics?

[18:05] I'm not sure I recall old-timey comics having, like, Promethea just like diverging into sort

[18:13] of long-

[18:14] Well, here's the thing.

[18:15] America's Best Comics, it can be divided into three things, and it's good that we're talking

[18:18] about this in the Pinocchio, A True Story episode, but Alan Moore's long-since defunct

[18:23] America's Best Comics line could be divided into retro storytelling, your Tom Strong,

[18:29] your Jack B. Quick, sex storytelling, as in cobweb, where he took old tropes and made

[18:35] them sexier, and then also long explorations of the way his personal system of magic works,

[18:42] and that would be your Promethea, where for 18 issues or so, it would just become about

[18:46] each step of the Kabbalah's tree of life or whatever, you know?

[18:51] But the art in those, you gotta give it to him.

[18:52] Art was beautiful.

[18:53] That was what-

[18:54] J.H.

[18:55] Williams III?

[18:56] Yeah, J.H.

[18:57] Williams III.

[18:58] Doing beautiful work, as always.

[18:59] Yeah, yeah.

[19:00] Now, we're far away from this, but since we're said Napoleon Dynamite is playing a talking

[19:03] horse, would you call him a gentleman bronco?

[19:06] I might.

[19:07] I might do that.

[19:08] That, of course, being a reference to a movie that the director of Napoleon Dynamite made

[19:12] afterwards, but not one that John Hader was in.

[19:15] Yeah.

[19:16] Cool.

[19:17] So, your joke still counts?

[19:18] It still counts.

[19:20] Give me half credit.

[19:21] Half credit.

[19:22] Okay.

[19:23] So-

[19:24] Going back to America's Best Comics.

[19:25] Oh, God.

[19:26] Well, this might make a little more sense for you guys.

[19:28] It's similar to how, to speak of another artist, it's similar to how some of the second wave

[19:31] black metal bands like Dark Throne, again, went as lo-fi and as abrasive as possible,

[19:37] again, trying to subvert traditional heavy metal tropes, but then nowadays have kind

[19:41] of harkened back to the stuff that they loved growing up more traditional, new wave of British

[19:45] heavy metal type stuff, motorhead type stuff.

[19:48] So, it's the same thing, you know?

[19:50] It's all about that.

[19:51] You know, we're all caught in this cycle of sort of like classicism, and then things get

[19:55] more baroque, and then they get postmodern, and then they go back to classicism.

[19:58] Exactly.

[19:59] So-

[20:00] you're young when you're young you feel like it's time to make your make your

[20:03] mark and so you gotta screw things up and change them and then when you get

[20:06] older you get afraid and tired and you go oh let me just do stuff that I like

[20:09] that sounds like I like and you can look at the same thing with with Martin

[20:12] Scorsese his early younger you had movies like Mean Streets and then later

[20:16] you have more run-of-the-mill stuff like silence I want to go back to the store

[20:24] the stories of spiritually damaged monks from in Japan that I remember from my

[20:28] childhood because I don't know if you knew this but movies used to be silent

[20:36] okay so this talking horse tells us he's gonna tell us the true story while

[20:41] walking through a circus by the way this talking horse actually talks yes like

[20:46] yeah early on I thought like oh yeah no talking horse early on I thought they

[20:51] just put Peter a peanut butter in his mouth and he moved his life in the world

[20:54] of the film this horse talks which is that impressed by it yeah I thought that

[21:00] oh this horse is just gonna talk to us maybe to Pinocchio but no this horse

[21:04] talks to everyone and everyone's aware that's a talking horse which makes the

[21:07] fact that this puppet talks much less impressive especially because the public

[21:11] public like puppet sorry people could think like oh this is some sort of

[21:15] pansies are popping automaton that has been like this is a trick or you know

[21:20] this is a this is a boy with his skin painted to look like wood which is what

[21:25] I would assume if I exactly talking about the other this is a world where

[21:28] there is a talking horse there's a Fox man and a cat man yeah walking around but

[21:33] everyone is so excited impressed by a talking puppet that walks around you know

[21:37] what point doesn't Geppetto even say like you're the world's only talking

[21:40] horse very early on yeah to me this is way more exciting because we can talk to

[21:45] this horse we can ask it questions about what it is to be a horse exactly what

[21:49] horse life is like seeing something a hundred percent unique like the world's

[21:52] only talking horse it's similar to years ago when I was in Barcelona and I

[21:56] visited the zoo and I saw a look at two new the world's only snowflake for non

[22:01] for you know non Spanish speakers which is weird to name the unique creature

[22:10] like snowflake the world's only albino gorilla I got to see him in the zoo it

[22:16] was amazing I'm like I'm looking at the like a very unique creature that is now

[22:21] throwing its own poop at me but he had gotten very tired because the zoo had

[22:27] been basically fucking this guy to death because they were like we need another

[22:30] albino gorilla baby so they had made him have sex with all these other gorillas

[22:34] it's horrible zoos are bad everybody okay Marcello Mastroianni and I think

[22:39] Sophia Loretta in that one movie where she to stay out of jail for selling

[22:42] cigarettes illegally she needs to be pregnant so she keeps making him give

[22:45] her babies and she eventually has sex with him to death I think it's a comedy

[22:50] what a way to go okay so we are introduced to Geppetto a what a

[22:55] woodworker car he's implied he's he's an inventor of some kind because he has

[23:00] glasses that have little lenses at the top that you can swing down like

[23:04] jewelers loops kind of so he's just some sort of all-purpose like Dwayne

[23:08] Wayne and Leonardo okay so Geppetto has this little wooden boy made and he's

[23:22] trying to name him he's interrupted in this process by a guest who is a magical

[23:27] fairy named Lucilda who repays him for fixing her magic wand by magically

[23:32] bringing Pinocchio to life her reasoning is at least it will make for

[23:36] an extremely interesting story sadly that will not unfortunately no she of

[23:45] course has a magical I don't even know if it's magical at this point a talking

[23:48] parrot and this is where we get the title of course splayed across sprayed

[23:53] across the heavens okay so we have to wait now guys I just want to say this

[24:03] isn't a true story though right I mean it's tough because it says that so

[24:08] you're like I'm assuming it isn't like they couldn't legally say that right

[24:13] right the doors open a crack to say it might actually be true could this be

[24:21] true this is this real okay so we have to assume some time has passed Pinocchio

[24:28] is stunt riding Tybalt the horse in a series of various like flips and trick

[24:36] riding techniques and I hope you find this impressive because you're going to

[24:39] see this exact same series of tricks done multiple times throughout the movie

[24:44] well this being a true story they didn't want to invent new tricks that he didn't

[24:48] really do in real life they're stuck with the catalog of tricks that Pinocchio

[24:52] and Tybalt actually performed in real yeah yeah yeah yeah like I'm assuming in

[24:56] the Elvis movie he doesn't start rapping all of a sudden because he never did

[25:00] that in real life he's like Doja Cat doesn't show up and rap a song is a

[25:05] Baz Luhrmann movie there is pretty anachronistic versions of music in it

[25:13] but he doesn't sing that weird opera song from the fifth element at some

[25:16] point that would be great though that's the number that's his first number one

[25:22] hit yeah by the way if that happens in Elvis that will be the best movie I've

[25:26] ever seen I mean I haven't seen Elvis so I don't really and I don't really know

[25:30] what the what the in the factual inaccuracies are in it but Dan did you

[25:33] see it what what musical anachronisms are there I mean I don't I think it's

[25:38] less in Elvis's performance they use a lot of like you know when he goes to

[25:43] sort of the the the black neighborhoods and I think Nashville I'm sorry I don't

[25:49] remember exactly like it there's a lot of rap music that's played just to sort

[25:53] of or sort of mash-ups of older music and rap music I which is a fact it's

[25:58] just background music it sounds it's but it's not or are people performing it in

[26:02] the street it's not diegetic but it's also supposed to be representative of

[26:09] like what Elvis is seeing in this community like the idea that like this

[26:15] I think it's trying to make an equivalence like put it throw us back to

[26:19] that time like what would be sort of new and exciting in the same way I think in

[26:24] a way that that in Deadwood they swear a lot to give the idea of how much they

[26:30] swore in the West in the West they didn't swear that much it was just that

[26:33] they swore more than regular people right right now do you think do you

[26:36] think they play that kind of music because they want to represent that

[26:39] Elvis his brain is operating in a higher level and he's hearing this music

[26:43] and he is almost imagining the future that will be created what like the

[26:47] direction this music will go many years in the future what do you think what do

[26:50] you think about this movie I haven't seen it the Elvis performances while not

[26:57] to that degree they are a little more rockin than like the actual versions may

[27:04] have been at the time like everything's pumped up to indicate like this this

[27:09] is what it felt like wait by the master of subtlety Baz Lorman yeah Elvis is an

[27:15] interesting movie like I I kind of like I mean I haven't seen it I was I was

[27:21] assuming we're gonna watch it for the podcast so now I gotta watch out my own

[27:24] okay yeah I'm predisposed to like Baz Lorman just because his name sounds like

[27:27] a character from a Dickens novel who is like lives in a cellar somewhere and has

[27:32] to do odd jobs for shillings but yeah okay so we're barely into this movie so

[27:38] there's barely any movie there yeah this is I was so glad watching this that

[27:43] Stewart was doing the summary because I wasn't taking notes and this movie

[27:45] flowed out of one side of my head as quickly as it flowed into the same

[27:49] experience like it slid off my brain as soon as the light stopped you know

[27:54] hitting the light receptors this is a frictionless movie yeah so to Bolton

[28:00] Pinocchio wander off we are introduced to detective Brioni and is to is to

[28:07] constables criminals it's not clear what they're looking for although

[28:15] Geppetto is very worried that they're gonna see Pinocchio because I guess it's

[28:18] a crime to be alive right yeah yeah and much much like much like Trevor Noah he

[28:24] put Nokia was born a crime but it's but Brioni is also set up to be like a

[28:29] buffoon but by the end of the movie we're supposed to I guess take him

[28:32] seriously is like yeah like an officer of the law and I pray strange I cannot

[28:38] overstate how much all the line readings are strange and with the characters like

[28:43] Brioni it makes a little more sense because this is someone acting in their

[28:46] second language and I mean like it's not inappropriate so much as they're just

[28:51] basically affect less at all points and then you have Pauly Shore doing his

[28:58] Pauly Shore voice but like programmed into an AI or something yeah yeah and

[29:03] then so Brioni shows up and he interrogates Geppetto a little and then

[29:08] he and his he and his constables hear the sound of gunfire and run off screen

[29:14] we never find out what that's about we never find out but what's weird is that

[29:17] Pinocchio and Geppetto have kind of a discussion or argument Pinocchio wants

[29:21] to explore the world Geppetto wants him to show restraint and be careful but then

[29:25] they hear gunfire and Pinocchio runs off to investigate okay so we're

[29:33] introducing characters we have a lot of characters introduced so now we go to a

[29:36] nearby circus where an evil ringmaster Mangio Fuoco aka Papa Giaffo is

[29:44] brainstorming on ways to improve attendance to the circus with a human

[29:49] fox hybrid and a gun-toting cat hybrid I guess the gunshots are from the cat but

[29:54] the constable never shows up so I assumed that there was different gunshots

[29:59] that he was

[30:00] I'm just assuming this is a place, a lawless wasteland of gunshots and everybody's fighting over the precious juice.

[30:09] Okay, the circus...

[30:11] Did you say the precious juice?

[30:12] Juice, I mean...

[30:14] Oh, juice, okay.

[30:15] You are precious to us.

[30:16] Yeah, thank you.

[30:17] Thank you, I appreciate that.

[30:18] Based on the novel Pushed by Sapphire.

[30:21] That's what you're saying, is that I'm based on the novel Pushed by Sapphire, yeah.

[30:26] All the gunfire makes the horse that is pulling a circus coach run off with the carriage,

[30:34] and trapped inside is Bella, the ringmaster's daughter,

[30:39] and Pinocchio manages to stop the carriage with some careful horse riding,

[30:45] and keeps it from riding off a cliff.

[30:47] It's mainly him sitting on the horse and going,

[30:48] left, left, which is the direction away from the cliff.

[30:52] But in Pauly Shore's patented, sort of like, half-wine.

[30:57] Turn left! Turn left!

[31:01] He's so hard to do, like, it's an unusual performance.

[31:07] Yeah.

[31:08] My favorite thing about Pauly Shore's performance is the kind of weird way he pronounces Tybalt's name,

[31:15] his horse friend-father.

[31:17] Tybalt.

[31:18] Okay.

[31:19] Like, the line that got a lot of play online was, and I'm not going to be able to do it as well as he is,

[31:23] but it's just like,

[31:24] But father, when will I get to see the world?

[31:31] So strange.

[31:32] It's pretty great.

[31:33] Okay.

[31:34] It's weird, and also, and the character, it's because Pauly Shore is-

[31:36] Oh!

[31:37] It's sometimes supposed to be a kid, and sometimes sounds like it's supposed to be, like,

[31:42] a real jokester, japester character, but he doesn't really have funny lines.

[31:46] I mean, he sounds like what he is now, which is a middle-aged man.

[31:50] Like, that's what Pinocchio sounds like.

[31:52] Yeah, well, I don't know what a wooden larynx should sound like to him.

[31:56] That's true.

[31:57] Good point, good point.

[31:58] Air would flow differently over it.

[31:59] It's amazing he can even vibrate.

[32:00] I mean, like, it should sound, I guess, like a clarinet, maybe, or an oboe.

[32:03] True.

[32:04] Yep.

[32:05] An oboe.

[32:06] Yeah, sure.

[32:07] Okay, so, Pinocchio has rescued Bella.

[32:10] Bella asks for the name of her savior, which, of course, is Jesus Christ,

[32:14] but in this case, Pinocchio just blames himself.

[32:16] It's Grease's Jeans.

[32:17] Or Grease's Jeans, yep.

[32:20] Jan, have you heard the Groot Blues?

[32:25] Now, this is when Mangio Fuoco and his two henchmen show up.

[32:31] The cat character immediately shoots Pinocchio.

[32:37] Pinocchio collapses, having been shot, but it turns out his wooden body is impervious to bullets.

[32:42] In fact, there is no sign that a bullet hit him at any point.

[32:45] That's odd, because I would say that wood is one of the most pervious of materials.

[32:51] One of the most splinterable, yeah.

[32:53] Mangio Fuoco introduces himself as also Papa Giaffo.

[32:57] He tries to convince Pinocchio and Tybalt to join his circus, which Pinocchio is very excited about.

[33:04] They then run back home.

[33:07] Pinocchio quickly convinces Gepetto to let him go.

[33:09] I thought this was going to be a much bigger thing,

[33:11] but in fact, Gepetto's like,

[33:13] fuck it, dude, just be careful,

[33:15] and he's like, okay, I will, but he's not going to be.

[33:17] Meanwhile, Detective Brioni...

[33:19] You said there's a girl out there? Get on that.

[33:21] Yeah, hit it, buddy.

[33:23] Meanwhile, Detective Brioni is following the circus for some reason.

[33:28] I don't know if you guys caught it,

[33:30] but I don't think they've established there's been any crimes going on.

[33:33] No, they have not, and they do not.

[33:35] Until the circus is identified as a gang of criminals later in the movie,

[33:39] we never see any crimes taking place,

[33:41] and no one talks about thievery.

[33:43] I think the detective just finds Pinocchio suspicious from moment one,

[33:47] for whatever reason.

[33:49] Understandably.

[33:50] I mean, he is, again, he is a soulless wooden abomination

[33:52] that is walking around and talking.

[33:56] So, the circus puts on a performance.

[33:58] Unlike the very normal talking animals that populate this world.

[34:02] Gun-toting talking animals.

[34:04] Okay, gun-toting talking cat man,

[34:06] go about your business, that checks out.

[34:09] Whoa, whoa, whoa, wooden boy, I don't think so.

[34:12] So, the circus arrives in town,

[34:14] and they put on a show for an initially very skeptical crowd.

[34:17] But then Pinocchio does all the stuff he did earlier.

[34:19] You wonder why they went there, because one of the crowd goes,

[34:21] this is bad, I saw this show last time.

[34:24] And it's like, well, why'd you come again?

[34:26] You have to assume there's not much else going on.

[34:28] It's all in Russia, there's not a lot.

[34:30] There's not a lot of entertainment.

[34:33] And part of the entertainment is having something to complain about.

[34:37] Yeah, that's fair.

[34:38] There's an old story about, it was the 1840,

[34:43] I can't remember, 1840 or 1844 election.

[34:46] The one where William Henry Harrison was running.

[34:49] And one of the big stunts was that supporters of his

[34:52] had a huge ball made out of tin,

[34:54] and they would roll it from town to town

[34:56] and say, vote for William Henry Harrison.

[34:58] And people would come from miles around

[35:00] and they heard this tin ball was coming to see it.

[35:02] Because there was so little entertainment in the world

[35:05] that they were like, a huge ball of tin?

[35:07] I've never seen that.

[35:08] Let me spend hours and be away from my farm

[35:11] when work needs to be done.

[35:12] I might turn out for a big tin ball

[35:14] that someone's rolled into town.

[35:16] Honestly, how far would you travel for a big tin ball

[35:18] someone's rolled into town?

[35:19] Well, not far.

[35:20] Look, if it was in Manhattan and I was there already for work,

[35:24] I'd be like, maybe I'll check out this tin ball.

[35:26] That's not the situation.

[35:28] Most Americans are still rural at the time.

[35:30] This is a day out of your life that you're spending

[35:32] to go see this tin ball.

[35:33] And you're not even seeing the Tin Cup,

[35:35] the hilarious Kevin Costner film.

[35:37] It's just a big tin ball.

[35:38] They would have to wait many years for that.

[35:40] You'd have to wait over a century to see that film.

[35:43] Yeah.

[35:44] So, yeah, they had to go see the tin ball

[35:46] and then they had to do their reaction podcast

[35:48] where they talk about seeing the tin ball.

[35:50] Today I'm here to review the tin ball that rolled through town.

[35:53] Yeah, it was pretty good.

[35:54] It was big. It was made out of tin.

[35:55] I think I'll probably vote for William Henry Harrison.

[35:57] You know, Tippy Canoe and all that.

[35:58] So here's the thing about this circus act that I want to mention.

[36:01] I don't understand this audience.

[36:02] So the audience, they see a trick that's not that amazing.

[36:06] He shoots confetti out of a gun and everyone goes, ooh.

[36:10] And then the cat points his finger at something

[36:14] and it explodes as if he shot it.

[36:16] And the audience goes, boo.

[36:18] It does not make any sense.

[36:20] That should be the opposite reaction.

[36:22] The first trick, who cares?

[36:23] The second one, that's a great trick and they do not like it.

[36:27] I would run screaming out of the tent

[36:29] that I knew that that cat could possibly just explode things with his finger.

[36:32] Amazing.

[36:33] Also, again, combining a talking horse and a talking puppet on the same bill

[36:39] to me dilutes the impact of both.

[36:42] They might just call it the talking animal show.

[36:45] That's probably why Tybalt doesn't talk during the show, right?

[36:48] No, it's true.

[36:50] He only acts as a regular horse.

[36:51] He does not talk during the performance.

[36:53] He's like Teller that way.

[36:56] It was called Pinocchio and Tybalt,

[36:58] and they would show how magic tricks were done,

[37:00] but Tybalt would refuse to speak during the show.

[37:02] Yeah.

[37:03] Now, Pinocchio obviously is a huge hit.

[37:06] Papa Giaffo's like, hey, you got to travel the world with me.

[37:09] And Pinocchio's like, I'm fucking down to clown.

[37:11] Let's do that shit.

[37:12] Tybalt's like, not so fast.

[37:14] We have a clown.

[37:15] He's eternally going around slowly on a unicycle.

[37:18] And Pinocchio's like, he's sad, so he's always down.

[37:21] The only way that Pinocchio is able to convince Tybalt

[37:29] to let him go on this world tour of being in a circus

[37:33] is he has to have Tybalt agree to be his father.

[37:36] Tybalt is his new father, which is a weird turn of events,

[37:39] but not as weird as you would think.

[37:42] This is my favorite aspect of the movie is that he goes,

[37:45] what about your father?

[37:46] Pinocchio says, well, why don't you stand in as my father?

[37:48] He goes, okay, Tybalt's really flattered to be asked to do this.

[37:51] And throughout the movie, Pinocchio refers to Tybalt as dad.

[37:56] And then later on when Tybalt is not letting him do things,

[37:59] he goes, come on, dad.

[38:00] Aren't I supposed to learn courage?

[38:02] And I love the idea of Pinocchio badgering his talking horse

[38:06] to let him do the things that he wants.

[38:08] He's bullying him into being a dad that lets him to do things.

[38:11] I also wonder if this is maybe part of the semi-ironic gay embrace

[38:16] of this movie because Pinocchio's like,

[38:21] the movie tries to make it seem like he's interested in Bella,

[38:26] but there doesn't seem to be any sparks there.

[38:29] Whereas like.

[38:30] It could be very dangerous for him.

[38:33] It feels like this daddy thing with the horse is like.

[38:37] Kind of a kink relationship maybe.

[38:40] Who knows?

[38:41] I don't know about that.

[38:42] But then again, it's a true story.

[38:43] They're sticking close to the actual relationship between Pinocchio and Tybalt.

[38:46] And historians have been rumoring about it for years,

[38:50] about what was really going on between the two of them.

[38:52] And let me say, I'm not.

[38:54] I want to say I'm not playing into the dumb conservative idea.

[39:00] Well, if someone's gay, then maybe they'll be into sex with horses.

[39:06] I apologize if there's any chance that it comes off as that.

[39:10] I'm just referring to these two fantasy characters.

[39:13] Dan is in no way equating being gay with bestiality.

[39:18] He is only saying that in this specific relationship,

[39:21] it is a gay bestiality relationship between Pinocchio and Tybalt.

[39:25] That is not to, in any way, pass assertions on other same-sex relationships,

[39:31] which are, as we all agree, and this is me being sincere, not a joke.

[39:35] They are healthy.

[39:36] They are natural.

[39:37] They are normal.

[39:38] And if they are the relationship that is right for you, then they are beautiful.

[39:42] But Dan is just saying that in this one specific,

[39:45] it just happens to be a gay relationship between Pinocchio and the horse.

[39:50] Yeah, this is their particular relationship.

[39:53] Now, you had mentioned, you guys had mentioned Bella earlier,

[39:56] and this is her time to shine.

[39:57] She does a little tightrope walk thing.

[40:00] There's a song about like being herself or something.

[40:02] It's very pink from the greatest showman.

[40:05] Yeah, she thinks about that.

[40:06] So few people know the thrill of performing like this and

[40:09] being in the stars or something.

[40:11] This is their first shot mom spaghetti Etc.

[40:14] Yeah, and she's not going to throw away her shot and then

[40:18] the cat shoots a gun.

[40:19] And yeah, it's great.

[40:21] And then we get a montage of country.

[40:23] She makes a lot of big mistakes.

[40:25] So we get a montage of successful circus performances.

[40:30] This circus is hitting it off and a lot of the posters now

[40:33] feature Bella and Pinocchio.

[40:35] What a team.

[40:37] It seems strange that this pretty lackluster circus with

[40:40] their whole fortunes would be turned around by what's

[40:42] essentially just a boy doing horse tricks, but hey, it's

[40:46] a true story.

[40:46] It happened, you know, maybe that's what Russia needed at

[40:49] the time or wherever they live in Italy.

[40:51] They don't live in Russia.

[40:51] They live in Italy, but that's what that's what rural Italy

[40:54] needed at the time.

[40:55] It's a very Russian Italy.

[40:56] That's yeah, let's just say that the same way that people

[40:59] look back at a lot of past.

[41:00] They look back at people figures like Pauly Shore and they

[41:03] say how was that a success?

[41:04] How was he start?

[41:05] How did he start in multiple movies?

[41:07] It's what America needed at the time.

[41:09] It was our hero for the time.

[41:11] Yeah, so Pinocchio you deserve but sometimes you get the

[41:14] hero you need like with a lot of performers that I have

[41:17] to perform in high-stress environments in close proximity

[41:20] Pinocchio and Bella fall in love.

[41:23] But and Tybalt tries to convince Pinocchio to make the first

[41:26] move which common fatherly thing to do Pinocchio tries to

[41:32] but Bella drives Pinocchio away for fear that her father

[41:35] will use him to commit crimes or something.

[41:37] Yeah, it's not clear.

[41:38] I will say so John haters performances Tybalt, especially

[41:41] in this scene.

[41:41] It is entering when Tybalt is frustrated with everything

[41:44] that is said to him or going on around him and he's constantly

[41:47] exasperated in a way that I did.

[41:49] I did find unintentionally funny.

[41:52] I mean, I think that that's kind of John haters note.

[41:55] Yes, that's true.

[41:56] Yeah, so that's fair.

[41:57] Yeah, Pinocchio learns from the cat and the fox that there

[42:01] is a magic fairy who can turn him into a real boy.

[42:04] So he's like maybe if I turn into a real boy Bella will

[42:07] love me.

[42:08] So Pinocchio and Tybalt set off on an adventure the end just

[42:15] kidding.

[42:15] We got a movie like I think he I think it was the clown

[42:18] that told him about oh, yeah, I think you're right.

[42:20] Because it leads up to this is in the IMDb quote section.

[42:23] This is one of my favorite lines in that movie as expressed

[42:25] exasperatedly bite by John haters Tybalt.

[42:28] So one clown said something and then another clown said

[42:31] something but the real clown here is you Pinocchio because

[42:34] you believe them.

[42:38] Put that on.

[42:38] That's actually pretty good.

[42:40] Yeah, sample it.

[42:41] Yeah, but honestly put it on a piece of driftwood in three

[42:44] or four different fonts.

[42:45] Yeah.

[42:45] So they while they're on the road the fox and cat dress

[42:50] up put on this like show to try and trick Pinocchio into

[42:54] and Tybalt into giving them their five gold coins was the

[42:57] trick doesn't work.

[42:58] They try and rob them.

[42:59] Was this the first time you have five gold coins?

[43:01] Yes, I think so.

[43:02] Yes, and somebody because Tybalt's like what are we going

[43:05] to do?

[43:05] We don't have money and Pinocchio is don't you remember

[43:07] we have five gold coins and I was like did I miss the five

[43:10] gold coins?

[43:11] Like he says it like it's a big thing we heard about before

[43:13] but I guess it's not so they they're about to give up when

[43:17] they find Lucilda's Magic Mountain.

[43:21] Caro Lucilda's parrot shows up and tries to scare them off

[43:25] by causing a rock slide, but they are the rock slide and

[43:28] jump over a closed gate.

[43:30] So I would not sorry to interrupt again.

[43:32] They already think there's evil spirits there because when

[43:34] the clown is telling about about Lucilda's Mountain.

[43:37] He has a line that I have to assume was a translation issue

[43:40] where he the clown says something like but but be careful

[43:43] because her pet her path is evil spirits and I had to rewind

[43:47] it and watch again.

[43:48] I think I think there's a word missing there.

[43:49] I think if it was meant to be like haunted by evil spirits

[43:52] were protected by evil spirits.

[43:53] Yeah.

[43:54] Yeah, but it doesn't so I gotta say to this is the part of

[43:57] the movie like some of this is going to be a thrilling

[43:59] surprise to me because this is where the movie like my brain

[44:02] really started to reject the film that I was watching so

[44:07] they they find Lucilda's I guess like castle or whatever

[44:13] and she turns them away.

[44:15] She she says that she can't turn Pinocchio into a real boy

[44:20] and then after they leave she's like, of course in order

[44:22] to be human.

[44:23] You just have to be human and I was like, what the fuck

[44:27] you feel like believe you're here like like like all it

[44:30] takes me to just do it.

[44:31] You're human and I'm like, yeah, I'd like to act if you're

[44:35] a humane that you'll be it's but it's the parrot is like

[44:37] why did you turn him back into a boy and she's like and

[44:39] it wasn't the right time and it reminds me so much of the

[44:43] Wizard of Oz a movie.

[44:43] I love but the end when Glinda's like why you could have

[44:46] gone home this whole time and I wish Dorothy had been like,

[44:49] yeah, maybe if you told me how was I supposed to know good

[44:52] looking out Glinda.

[44:54] I come from Kansas dude.

[44:55] We don't have magic shoes there.

[44:57] I don't know how they work.

[44:58] So I never knew that if you click the heels three to three

[45:00] times that you instantly operate the go home backup failsafe.

[45:04] You gotta look.

[45:05] It's the same the same way when you go to reminds me when

[45:08] you go to airport security and every airport has a different

[45:10] way of doing security.

[45:11] Yeah, you put shoes on the conveyor belt, but the people

[45:14] there think that theirs is the only way so if you put your

[45:16] shoes in a bin, they're like shoes on the belt like you're

[45:19] a moron who's there when you go to a fancy restaurant.

[45:22] Yeah, like you ever dined with us before I'm like you're

[45:24] a restaurant, right?

[45:25] It's not gonna be like you're not gonna like a pour the

[45:27] soup on my head or something, right?

[45:29] Yeah, it's like Glinda the Good Witch.

[45:31] It's Glinda the Laissez-Faire with yourself Dorothy.

[45:37] Yeah.

[45:37] Yeah, take a look at the mirror.

[45:39] Glinda the Good but not Great Witch.

[45:41] Yeah.

[45:41] So Pinocchio overhears detective Brioni that detective

[45:48] Brioni is telling his constables that they want Pinocchio

[45:53] on suspicion of burglary.

[45:55] He believes that Pinocchio because he's the star of the circus

[45:59] is the ringleader which is weird because there's already

[46:01] a ringleader.

[46:02] There's a ringleader of this like circus crime gang.

[46:06] This is the first time we learned there's been crimes

[46:09] actually committed.

[46:10] Yes.

[46:10] Yeah, then Pinocchio and Tybalt have an argument.

[46:14] It is very much the Shrek donkey argument.

[46:16] It is no different.

[46:18] Don't worry.

[46:18] They're going to get back together, but they walk off in

[46:20] opposite directions walk off in opposite directions, which

[46:23] is a perfect opportunity for Pinocchio to get captured by

[46:26] detective Brioni.

[46:27] But then before anything bad happens unless you consider

[46:30] Brioni's handkerchief being stuffed in his mouth or anything

[46:33] else bad happening depends on how dirty the handkerchief.

[46:36] Yeah, that's true.

[46:36] I mean, there's no situation where you want a handkerchief

[46:40] non-consensually stuffed in your mouth true, but like if

[46:44] it's been heavily used, it's a different situation whether

[46:46] it's freshly laundered.

[46:48] Oh, look at Brioni, you know, he's he's he just pour in

[46:51] snot into that thing.

[46:52] There's no way he just there's no way he's a gentleman

[46:54] about it.

[46:54] Yeah, he's like a character from Midnight's Children.

[47:00] So he works at a pickle factory.

[47:02] Yep.

[47:03] So Tybalt shows up and saves him by kicking all the cops

[47:08] into a tree.

[47:09] It's very exciting.

[47:10] Then they leave.

[47:12] Tybalt then decides to go they split up again to Tybalt

[47:15] Tybalt says that he has some kind of mystery project to

[47:17] go on but Pinocchio should wait here Pinocchio immediately

[47:21] disobeys that disobeys his horse father to go very realistic

[47:25] boy behavior.

[47:26] Very realistic realistic boy his age behavior to immediately

[47:29] run off when his horse father tells him stay right here

[47:32] against fathers.

[47:36] As soon as Pinocchio is separated from Tybalt.

[47:40] He is again captured this time by Mangio Fiocco and gets

[47:44] thrown into a cell along with his actual father Geppetto

[47:48] who had become who had gone looking for Pinocchio and

[47:50] then had gotten captured by Papa Giaffo aka Mangio Fiocco.

[47:55] What is this an Altman movie?

[47:56] So many characters to Mangio Fiocco demands Geppetto create

[48:02] him an army of wooden boys.

[48:05] Okay, Geppetto is like well, they won't be alive and he's

[48:08] like you better make them alive.

[48:12] Tybalt then runs into Bella while on his secret mission and

[48:16] he learns the situation and he's also like super mean to

[48:19] her as if it's her fault.

[48:21] It's really weird.

[48:23] But then he sees that she's got a matching handkerchief to

[48:26] the one that was stuffed in Pinocchio's mouth.

[48:28] How's that gonna all play together?

[48:31] Tybalt comes up with a scheme with the rest of the circus

[48:33] troop in the middle of the circus performance because of

[48:36] course the show must go on right?

[48:38] That's what they say, right Dan?

[48:39] They do say that some of them in the middle of the performance

[48:43] all of a sudden they sing all the performers who are not the

[48:46] two henchmen and Papa Giaffo sing a song explaining Mangio

[48:51] Fiocco's thieving and establishing their innocence.

[48:54] The song does not rhyme.

[48:56] Yeah, I guess this is the way that they're like imparting

[49:00] the information without drawing attention to themselves.

[49:04] I mean, but they're literally performing in the middle of

[49:06] a circus.

[49:07] Singing like they could.

[49:08] They're drawing so much attention.

[49:09] They could just as easily just whisper it to a police officer

[49:13] if they're afraid of being caught.

[49:14] I don't know.

[49:15] No, but I think they know what they're doing.

[49:17] They want to publicly humiliate Mangio Fiocco.

[49:19] And it's the thing where if everyone knows publicly

[49:22] and everyone knows they said it then if anything happens

[49:25] to them.

[49:25] Yes, matter of public record.

[49:27] Okay.

[49:28] I've changed my entire opinion of the film.

[49:30] Yeah.

[49:30] So then it's a tightly wound puzzle box.

[49:34] In the ensuing chaos, Mangio Fiocco starts a fire.

[49:41] Pinocchio is trapped in the burning tent.

[49:43] Uh-oh, but Tybalt saves him and then Bella kisses him which

[49:47] transforms him into a real boy.

[49:49] Brioni then apologizes.

[49:51] Lucilda shows up to remind Pinocchio that she told him how

[49:53] to be a real boy the whole time and you're like what and then

[49:57] there's a big reveal that Bella is actually detective.

[50:00] missing daughter purchased by Mangio Fuoco from the kidnappers and then he

[50:06] gives up his life as a police officer to run a circus which I think is a win

[50:10] that's a W right? I guess so. Yeah. Is that the end? That's the end we did it. Okay.

[50:17] It's a true story you can't add any other stuff. I also like I was watching this I

[50:21] was so tired and then as soon as the first credit rolled my brain said well

[50:26] you're off the clock and I fell asleep. I mean if anything Dan that's better than some

[50:32] other movies where you fall asleep before the credits are all yeah. So what you're

[50:37] saying is Pinocchio a true story really captured your attention and kept you

[50:40] yeah I guess well I mean yeah more than what was it RoboCop was one of them

[50:45] anyway yeah so but I was sick. Ironic really. Hey is this a this is where we do

[50:51] final judgments whether this is a good bad movie a bad bad movie or movie we

[50:55] kind of liked I will say this is a bad bad movie there is so little to it all

[51:04] the characters dialogue is basically just sort of explaining the next thing

[51:09] that they're going to do in the least with the least energy that you can

[51:15] imagine and no one has any particular character motivation really like unlike

[51:21] in other versions of Pinocchio Pinocchio doesn't seem to care about being a real

[51:24] boy he just wants to see the world and he does that so early in the film that

[51:28] he just seems like such a passive protagonist to me and everyone else in

[51:33] it seems pretty passive as well and I would recommend maybe looking up little

[51:39] clips of this on on the internet because Pauly Shore's vocal performance is

[51:44] bizarre to see coming out of Pinocchio but I don't know just watch the trailer

[51:49] you're probably get enough of it the trailer really gives you the full effect

[51:53] yeah that's what I have to say what do you guys have to say I might say I would

[51:59] say this is close to a good bad movie it's I mean it is full of very silly

[52:06] line readings the animation is terrible it doesn't make a ton of sense it isn't

[52:11] it is over 90 minutes which feels like a shame like trim it down

[52:16] follow Amityville in space is model please to 12 minutes a tight 12 yeah you

[52:21] might get more out of just the trailer but there it is very dumb and silly so

[52:25] if you're doing like a bad movie night and you like watching bad animated

[52:28] movies I think this one's right up your right up your alley yeah I think I agree

[52:31] with Stu and Dan both I think it's kind of on the on the borderline if you're

[52:35] watching this on your own please God don't it's it's a bad movie but if you

[52:39] want to watch a very short ish animated film that is not good and laugh at it

[52:46] this is gonna be less painful than say like food fight which is a which is a

[52:51] you know like throwing dirt in your eyes you know but food fight is consistently

[52:57] wild that's like there's so much strange to like this is put that on the fucking

[53:01] box yeah this is nothing it's such a low energy story it's a very low energy and

[53:06] I have to admit my my younger son has recently become very obsessed with the

[53:12] original Disney Pinocchio the 1940s one and so we've been watching that a lot

[53:16] at our house and it is it's such a gorgeous movie at like the animation is

[53:20] so beautiful in it and it has such real it's such an intense movie so to what so

[53:25] to be watching that movie at the same time watching this one that movie is so

[53:29] intense and so like vivid and scary and this one is and has funny parts and this

[53:35] movie is just kind of like it feels like they're waiting for people to fill in

[53:38] the stuff like there this is that this is the earliest draft where they put the

[53:42] the funny things and the scary things in but that it's it just really it's like

[53:47] just a real nothing of a movie so I would say also watch the trip watch the

[53:50] trailer if you have any interest in it and you'll pretty much get it yeah oh my

[53:58] gosh hi I'm Dave Holmes host of the pop culture trivia podcast troubled waters

[54:03] on troubled waters we play games like motivational speeches it goes a little

[54:07] like this Riley give us an improvised motivational speech why people should

[54:12] listen and subscribe to troubled waters I look around to this ad and I see a lot

[54:17] of potential to listen to comedians such as Jackie Johnson and Josh Gondelman and

[54:22] they need you to get out there and listen to them attempt to figure out

[54:26] sound Reba's clues or determine if something is a Game of Thrones character

[54:30] or a city in Wales I have chills I'm gonna give you 15 points all that so

[54:35] much more on troubled waters find it on maximum fun org or wherever you choose

[54:39] to listen to podcasts hey they're beautiful people I'm Travelle Anderson

[54:45] and I'm Jared Hill we are the hosts of fans high the show where we have

[54:50] complex and complicado conversations about the gray areas in our lives the

[54:54] things that we really really love sometimes but also have some problematic

[54:58] feelings about yes we get into it all you want to know our thoughts about

[55:03] Nicki Minaj and all her foolishness we got you you want to know our thoughts

[55:07] about gentrification and perhaps some positive question mark aspects of

[55:11] gentrification we get into that too every single Thursday you can check us

[55:16] out at maximum fun dot org listen you know you want it honey so come on and

[55:21] get it period let us move along to our sponsors the flop house is sponsored

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[55:52] Squarespace it's the all-in-one platform for building your brand and growing your

[55:58] business online you'd stand out with a beautiful website engage with your

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[56:42] so why not go to Squarespace comm slash flop for a free trial and when you're

[56:48] ready to launch use offer code flop to save 10% off your first purchase of a

[56:54] website or domain and now we have a jumbotron read by me friend of the

[57:00] flophouse voter Herzog yeah hello so happy 40th birthday to a great Werner

[57:07] Herzog aficionado X-Files connoisseur and biggest Jurassic Park fan there is

[57:13] thank you for five years of unconditional love and support also I

[57:18] never would have discovered max fun and the flophouse without you so hooray let's

[57:24] make pretty new animal friends on our walks together

[57:27] Schoen does a stick gift this is from Neville from on Oh Donka so so shoon

[57:37] hey it's me sure Wow Werner Herzog was just here reading a great message how we

[57:43] managed to get him oh you know it's a jumbotron he'll do anything for a buck

[57:49] do I have any do I have any Jack reaches for me I hate that Jack reach I such I'm

[57:55] jerk

[58:00] pardon my French Jack pardon my Deutsch Jack Jack reach up but you're real I'm

[58:05] bozo hey guys before we move on I just want to say I have something to promote

[58:10] boom this episode of the flop house is not sponsored by me but I'm saying it

[58:13] anyway as you may know I have a hit comic book series from a shot comics

[58:18] it's called maniac of New York volume 1 the death train and volume 2 the Bronx

[58:23] is burning are available in collected forms now on comic book store shelves

[58:27] and it was just announced this week I'm doing volume 3 that's right December

[58:32] 7th will be the first issue of the maniac of New York don't call it a

[58:35] comeback the third volume in the maniac of New York series all your favorite

[58:39] characters are back the maniac Gina Green Zelda Pettibone

[58:42] Merida Manzio Lena Petrella all your favorites but Elliot yes surely the

[58:48] maniac can't return why is that Dan is it because Gina Green burned him to a

[58:53] crisp and then stabbed him to the face with his own blade at the end of maniac

[58:56] of New York Bronx is burning alert well yeah I didn't want to give spoilers but

[59:00] it seemed like such a definitive event for well maybe then perhaps you'll be

[59:05] surprised by the threat in maniac of New York don't call it a comeback Dan don't

[59:10] call it a comeback he's always been here which is the scary part but you'll

[59:13] find out I think you'll be a little surprised and a little intrigued by what

[59:16] happens and who the new question mark thread is you may you may have heard

[59:20] some noise in the background I just want to say that's because Stewart we were

[59:24] vamping while you were cleverly trying to sneak out to get himself I guess some

[59:31] some seltzer which he then immediately dropped all over the floor behind me I

[59:51] can't see it from where from where the camera is so can you give me maybe a

[59:54] word picture of this mess of seltzer well yeah it is it's a pink great

[1:00:00] Brute Seltzer, it's a Schweppes brand,

[1:00:05] get out of Schweppes for sponsoring.

[1:00:06] It's all over.

[1:00:07] He dropped it all, he came back in.

[1:00:09] It's rare that we break news live on the podcast,

[1:00:12] so yeah, tell us more, tell us more.

[1:00:14] He came back in with the paper towels

[1:00:18] and the paper towel holder,

[1:00:19] which he also immediately dropped on the floor,

[1:00:23] along with my Criterion edition of Miller's Crossing,

[1:00:25] a Joel and Ethan Coen film that all-

[1:00:29] The fans are not gonna like it when I say this,

[1:00:31] but of all the Coen Brothers Criterions to drop,

[1:00:33] that's the one I would drop on the Seltzer, too.

[1:00:34] Really?

[1:00:35] It's just not my favorite.

[1:00:36] I never connected to it.

[1:00:37] One of my favorites.

[1:00:38] I think it was not one that I liked initially,

[1:00:42] but grows more for me every time.

[1:00:44] But now the floor, at least, is very clean,

[1:00:48] because we all know the cleaning powers of Seltzer.

[1:00:51] I mean, usually-

[1:00:52] And the soaking up abilities

[1:00:53] of the Miller's Crossing Criterion DVD.

[1:00:55] Oh, fuck, what did I miss?

[1:00:58] I wanna issue a correction, rather.

[1:01:01] He had had a pink grapefruit earlier,

[1:01:04] but the one he dropped was a black cherry Seltzer.

[1:01:06] Yeah, I guess that's a harsh review.

[1:01:10] A harsh review of Stewart's ability to carry drinks,

[1:01:13] which is not great, since that's part of his profession.

[1:01:15] Part of my profession.

[1:01:16] So, just to pull back the curtain,

[1:01:20] I worked last night, I did a night shift last night.

[1:01:22] I don't work nights very often anymore.

[1:01:25] So, I worked until 4 a.m., and I didn't get much sleep,

[1:01:28] and I am not doing well, guys.

[1:01:31] And that happened to be on the day

[1:01:33] that we're doing our earliest recording of the longest.

[1:01:35] Because of some family stuff I had.

[1:01:37] But, Stu, you're doing great.

[1:01:38] You did a great summary.

[1:01:40] And Dan, you're doing great, too.

[1:01:41] Yeah, I mean, obviously, it's nice for you to say,

[1:01:44] I'm gonna have to wait until next week

[1:01:47] to hear how I did on the peach pick.

[1:01:49] Yeah, yeah.

[1:01:51] I feel like they won't be quite as kind as you.

[1:01:54] Giving you that review.

[1:01:55] Is it yourself as the host of that?

[1:01:58] And whatever hot guests I managed to yoke in there.

[1:02:03] Let's move on to letters, which are from listeners.

[1:02:08] We've been using letters this whole time, Dan,

[1:02:10] to create the words we're speaking.

[1:02:11] That's true, we're soaking it.

[1:02:14] But this first letter is from-

[1:02:15] You're soaking in seltzer, I believe.

[1:02:17] That's true.

[1:02:18] This first letter is from Sarah, who writes,

[1:02:20] Hey, peaches, I come to you with a dire warning.

[1:02:24] Do not be tempted by the Siren song,

[1:02:27] or rather, Siren's movie poster of Noah's Shark.

[1:02:31] I love shark movies, good and bad,

[1:02:33] and my good friend recently suggested

[1:02:34] I choose one to watch that we hadn't seen.

[1:02:37] I cast a wide net into the sea of streaming movies,

[1:02:40] and when I saw the title and the premise,

[1:02:42] I chose Noah's Shark, not Noah's Shark.

[1:02:45] Noah's Shark, about a little girl

[1:02:47] and the shark she comes to love.

[1:02:48] Nora Shark-ron, Shark-ron?

[1:02:52] Anyway, my dudes-

[1:02:53] Meet Nora's Shark.

[1:02:55] My dudes, while there are indeed some charmingly bad effects

[1:02:58] they don't make up for the fact

[1:02:59] the premise is never delivered upon,

[1:03:02] it's just some priest dude wandering through the woods

[1:03:04] looking for evidence of the Ark.

[1:03:07] Nary a shark versus elephant, shark versus lion,

[1:03:09] or shark team-up match with Noah is even hinted at.

[1:03:13] Anyhoo, if you ever had to stock a boat

[1:03:16] with two of each type of animal movie, which would you pick?

[1:03:20] I guess since there's a gajillion species,

[1:03:22] maybe each pick one animal as an example.

[1:03:26] Thanks and be well, Sarah.

[1:03:28] As a cat fan, a cat fancier, if you will,

[1:03:35] I'm gonna stake a claim to Cats and the Cat,

[1:03:40] a beautiful double feature,

[1:03:41] one with horrific post-apocalyptic cat human singers

[1:03:46] and one where a puppet cat fights an alien

[1:03:52] who's gonna do bad things to the world.

[1:03:56] And a dog who is also, it was a good dog.

[1:03:59] Good dog.

[1:03:59] Okay, so you got a bonus dog in there

[1:04:01] along with your two cats.

[1:04:04] Do you guys have answers for this?

[1:04:06] Two of an animal movie to stock the Ark?

[1:04:09] Fuck it, why not?

[1:04:10] We're doing, I'll be doing alligators,

[1:04:12] so I'll do Lake Placid and gators,

[1:04:15] starring what, Burt Reynolds?

[1:04:16] No crawl in there?

[1:04:17] I don't think there's an actual alligator in Gator,

[1:04:19] is there?

[1:04:21] What?

[1:04:26] Crawl rules too, sorry.

[1:04:28] Actually, I might swap out Lake Placid for crawl.

[1:04:30] Yeah.

[1:04:31] Not crawl.

[1:04:32] The gator stays in, not crawl,

[1:04:33] which again, there's no alligators,

[1:04:34] just like Gator, I believe,

[1:04:35] but maybe Gator has a gator in it.

[1:04:37] Okay, I'm gonna pick-

[1:04:38] Burt Reynolds is sort of a gator of a man.

[1:04:41] Yeah.

[1:04:42] RIP to a real one.

[1:04:43] I was thinking about the kinds of animals

[1:04:46] that didn't make it onto the Ark,

[1:04:47] and I wish they had.

[1:04:48] So I was thinking about dragons,

[1:04:49] which of course, like dinosaurs went extinct

[1:04:51] because they couldn't fit on the Ark

[1:04:53] and therefore drowned during the deluge.

[1:04:55] Too chonky.

[1:04:58] Noah had a sign that said,

[1:04:59] you must be less chonky than this to get on the Ark.

[1:05:03] And the elephants were like, phew, just made it.

[1:05:06] That's just a picture of a Godzilla 2000.

[1:05:09] The least chonky of the Godzillas.

[1:05:14] And so, yeah, that really was the least chonky

[1:05:17] of the Godzillas.

[1:05:18] Yeah, it's such a bummer.

[1:05:19] And you know what, I hate to size shame anybody.

[1:05:22] The new Godzilla, long-time listeners know,

[1:05:24] I find a little too chonky.

[1:05:25] And I say, just right.

[1:05:27] But the Emmerich Devlin Godzilla,

[1:05:31] way too thin, too thin,

[1:05:32] dangerously unthin, unhealthy,

[1:05:34] a bad role model for young monsters everywhere.

[1:05:37] But modern Godzilla can throw that shit back, baby.

[1:05:40] Sure loves that Godzilla.

[1:05:43] The classic Godzilla, who I think is just the right size.

[1:05:46] So it's a real Goldilocks situation, or Godzilla-locks.

[1:05:49] But the animal I was gonna choose was, again, dragons.

[1:05:52] Dragons are an animal I wish had survived the flood,

[1:05:54] but as we all know, they didn't.

[1:05:55] That's why we just find their bones every now and then.

[1:05:57] And I would choose Dragonheart

[1:06:00] because you need a wise old dragon,

[1:06:01] voiced by Sean Connery,

[1:06:03] and Pete's dragon,

[1:06:03] because you need a goofy, screw-up dragon

[1:06:05] who's gonna cause trouble.

[1:06:07] And two of them, I think, will equal one good dragon.

[1:06:10] Yeah.

[1:06:11] Wow.

[1:06:11] That's Elliot's theory of dragon balance.

[1:06:14] And you picked Pete's dragon, of course,

[1:06:16] because the goofy, screw-up dragon's name is Elliot, right?

[1:06:19] Yeah, yeah.

[1:06:19] Well, I have to protect Elliot's.

[1:06:21] That's the way.

[1:06:22] That's why, if there was a deluge,

[1:06:23] I would, of course, take Pete's dragon.

[1:06:24] I would take Elliot from E.T.

[1:06:26] I would take Elliot, the Michael Caine character

[1:06:28] from Hannah and Her Sisters.

[1:06:29] I would take Elliot, but not Beverly, from Dead Ringers.

[1:06:34] And they're both Jeremy Irons.

[1:06:35] I only need one Jeremy Irons on the boat.

[1:06:37] And, you know, other Elliot's I would take on, too.

[1:06:40] Yeah.

[1:06:41] And this is an important point

[1:06:41] because a lot of people, of course,

[1:06:43] think that the name of the dragon in Pete's dragon is Pete.

[1:06:46] But, of course, Pete, it's a possessive.

[1:06:50] Yeah.

[1:06:51] The dragon is not owned by Pete.

[1:06:53] It's not shortening.

[1:06:54] Because you can't own a dragon,

[1:06:55] but this is a dragon that Pete got.

[1:06:56] It's not shortening, Pete is the dragon.

[1:06:58] Yeah.

[1:06:58] Or his name, Pete S. Dragon.

[1:07:00] That's not what it is.

[1:07:01] Yeah.

[1:07:02] And the S stands for Stuart.

[1:07:03] It's like in fucking Legend of Zelda.

[1:07:04] You're not Zelda, dude, you're Link.

[1:07:07] Oh, I had a very frustrating conversation

[1:07:10] about this very topic with John Hodgkin recently

[1:07:12] that MaxFun contributors will find out about

[1:07:15] when our prisoner podcast, Be Potting You,

[1:07:17] comes out eventually.

[1:07:18] But, yeah, we had a long talk about that.

[1:07:21] I mean, it's possible he's just quoting a bit from,

[1:07:26] I wish I could remember her name.

[1:07:27] She's a very funny writer for Colbert.

[1:07:30] I think she might be the head writer now

[1:07:32] where she claims that Zelda is the hero.

[1:07:37] Sandy Bryce?

[1:07:38] Yeah, it's a troll that she does

[1:07:41] for men on the internet and it's pretty funny.

[1:07:45] I apologize for not recalling the name of that person

[1:07:48] who I have met and is very nice, but I can't recall.

[1:07:53] This next letter is-

[1:07:54] And you're not gonna try

[1:07:55] and you're not gonna do the research either.

[1:07:57] I could, I mean, it would just take time.

[1:07:58] No, Dan, we've gotta keep moving with the clock.

[1:08:00] We already took a lot of time for the seltzer incident.

[1:08:02] We've gotta keep going.

[1:08:03] Slow things down, but maybe I'll look it up

[1:08:06] and I'll bring it in later on

[1:08:07] while one of you guys are talking.

[1:08:10] Don't listen to us.

[1:08:12] Why would I start now?

[1:08:14] This is from Lawrence, last name withheld, who writes-

[1:08:18] Lawrence, a person, or Lawrence, Kansas, the town?

[1:08:22] I can only assume the whole town got together

[1:08:24] to write this letter to us.

[1:08:26] It's a nice place.

[1:08:27] Ariel Dumas, that's the name, Ariel.

[1:08:29] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1:08:31] Stuart, you-

[1:08:32] Descendant, I have to assume,

[1:08:34] of the Dumas of Three Musketeers fame.

[1:08:36] One can only hope.

[1:08:38] Stuart, you-

[1:08:39] Candy Bar Fortune, you-

[1:08:41] Stuart, this is-

[1:08:43] It is a strange thing.

[1:08:44] I will say this, it is, how many candy bars

[1:08:45] are based on 19th century novels?

[1:08:47] Not that many.

[1:08:49] Man in the Iron Mask.

[1:08:50] I mean, and they stopped making

[1:08:52] the olive-rich-list licorice-

[1:08:52] The candy in the Irish wrapper.

[1:08:54] Yep, the crackle in the Iron Mask.

[1:08:56] It's so hard to open that iron wrapper,

[1:08:59] that's why it went out of business.

[1:09:00] Yeah, of course, there's Mr. Goodbar,

[1:09:02] based on Looking for Mr. Goodbar, the giant king.

[1:09:05] It was a weird movie for them to do a candy tie-in.

[1:09:10] Stuart, you recently talked about

[1:09:11] wanting to host a show on Warhammer Plus.

[1:09:14] Yep, is this the offer?

[1:09:15] How are you gonna host-

[1:09:16] Is the Godfather gonna get made?

[1:09:18] How are you gonna host a show on Warhammer Plus

[1:09:21] when you guys spent a whole show

[1:09:23] talking about a dude named Greasus,

[1:09:25] and you didn't want to talk about Greasus Goldtooth

[1:09:27] or the Ogor-Ma tribes?

[1:09:31] Yep.

[1:09:32] You can't be missing t-balls like that

[1:09:34] and expect to be called up to the big leads.

[1:09:36] Regards, Lawrence.

[1:09:37] P.S. Stuart, please explain the Adaptus Mechanicus

[1:09:41] to Dan and Elliot until they make you stop.

[1:09:43] Can we make him stop before he starts?

[1:09:45] Is that-

[1:09:46] Yeah, you can make him stop.

[1:09:47] I mean, and I haven't even had a chance

[1:09:48] to talk about my personal Greasus Goldtooth story.

[1:09:52] You can't do that.

[1:09:53] So I remember when I was-

[1:09:54] Why don't you do that instead of explaining

[1:09:56] anything about the Adaptus Mechanicus?

[1:09:57] Give us the basics of how to treat-

[1:10:00] I'm intrigued by who Grease's Gold Tooth is.

[1:10:01] At least just give us the basics of that.

[1:10:03] So years ago, when I was working for Games Workshop,

[1:10:06] I remember when they introduced the Ogre Kingdoms

[1:10:09] at the time, which has now become the Ogor Maw Tribes

[1:10:12] for Age of Sigmar, which was the first brand new

[1:10:16] Warhammer fantasy army for a long time.

[1:10:18] And they were big boys.

[1:10:19] They were big, they were big, thick guys

[1:10:22] shaped like bowling pins.

[1:10:23] I loved them.

[1:10:24] I was so excited.

[1:10:25] I knew I was gonna start an army.

[1:10:27] And because I worked for the company,

[1:10:28] I got a hold of some of the models early on.

[1:10:30] And Grease's Gold Tooth was one of the first models

[1:10:32] I got to paint up for my shop's display cabinet.

[1:10:36] And it took fucking forever,

[1:10:37] because Grease's Gold Tooth, the richest of the tyrants,

[1:10:41] is this giant, very, very large ogre guy

[1:10:46] dripping in jewels and finery.

[1:10:48] And he's being carried around by a raft

[1:10:50] of little goblin guys called Noblars,

[1:10:52] which are very Brian Froud goblin types.

[1:10:56] Okay, I'm putting in words for you guys

[1:10:57] so you can visualize it.

[1:10:59] And it took me forever to paint this big boy.

[1:11:02] And it was really fun.

[1:11:03] Oh, wow, I'm looking at it right now online.

[1:11:04] Yeah, that's a very detailed miniature.

[1:11:06] Yeah, there's a ton of details.

[1:11:07] So many gems and jewels and stuff I had to paint.

[1:11:10] And I painted that up for my shop's cabinet

[1:11:12] so that when it came time for me to paint one up

[1:11:14] for my own army, I was like, fuck this,

[1:11:18] and never got around to painting it.

[1:11:19] Instead, I focused on painting my limited edition

[1:11:22] store manager-only Brog Slave Lord model.

[1:11:24] Uh-oh, that's right, I have a very unique

[1:11:26] Warhammer miniature in my cabinet.

[1:11:28] Fully painted, baby.

[1:11:30] We'll tell that story another day.

[1:11:31] About the Adeptus Mechanicus.

[1:11:33] So guys, the Adeptus Mechanicus are part of the,

[1:11:35] oh, wait, I'm running out of time.

[1:11:37] Okay, let's move on.

[1:11:38] I do have a question.

[1:11:39] When there's a valuable Warhammer model,

[1:11:41] is it more valuable unpainted, mint,

[1:11:43] or is it more valuable if it's been painted?

[1:11:45] It kinda depends.

[1:11:46] I think you can probably get a little more

[1:11:49] if it's completely unpainted.

[1:11:50] But if you put out, like, if you can put

[1:11:54] a professional paint job on it,

[1:11:55] it can be very valuable.

[1:11:58] But I think, I feel like for something like that,

[1:12:00] if it's completely unpainted, especially new in box,

[1:12:02] it'll be worth more.

[1:12:03] I see, okay, I'll remember that.

[1:12:05] Well, I'm sure that was pretty interesting.

[1:12:10] I, my brain shut down as soon as Warhammer.

[1:12:12] Now, I have a question.

[1:12:13] How would you rate, and this might be

[1:12:15] dipping into waters we wanna cut.

[1:12:19] How would you rate Grease's gold tooth

[1:12:20] on the Rowling scale of antisemitic goblin stereotypes?

[1:12:24] Is it a full Rowling, which is very antisemitic,

[1:12:27] or is it not, or is it a zero on that scale

[1:12:30] where it doesn't have, he's not obsessed with money,

[1:12:33] he doesn't have a long hooked nose,

[1:12:35] he doesn't speak in an alien language

[1:12:36] that's ancient and no one can understand, you know?

[1:12:39] It's tough.

[1:12:41] Warhammer is not known for having

[1:12:44] the best depictions of various things.

[1:12:47] I would say, I would say compared to

[1:12:50] one of my personal favorite old-timey Warhammer armies

[1:12:53] that has been since discontinued,

[1:12:54] the Chaos Dwarves, who do have long hooked noses

[1:12:57] and curly beards, and are evil.

[1:13:02] But yeah.

[1:13:03] And they keep the Sabbath on Saturday?

[1:13:04] Yes, they do.

[1:13:07] Yeah, I don't know.

[1:13:08] It's, you know, it's fucked up.

[1:13:10] That's good to know.

[1:13:11] I'm starting to, my children are starting

[1:13:13] to get into the types of culture

[1:13:14] where I need to explain things to them,

[1:13:16] and I think they're slowly making their way

[1:13:18] into the larger world where they realize

[1:13:20] that Jews are a small portion of humanity.

[1:13:24] So I'm trying to figure out how to tell them about it.

[1:13:27] Charlene was saying that when she was growing up,

[1:13:29] and she'll yell at me when she hears this and I say it wrong,

[1:13:32] but she was saying that when she was growing up,

[1:13:35] she just kind of assumed that, like growing up in Brooklyn,

[1:13:38] that it was like, the world was half Christians, half Jews.

[1:13:43] And it is obviously not that case.

[1:13:46] Especially when you're young and your family

[1:13:48] is the group of people that you spend the most time around,

[1:13:50] you're like, oh yeah, there's a lot of Jews out there.

[1:13:51] There's one of my favorite stories

[1:13:53] from my wife's old job in New York.

[1:13:55] She worked at a Jewish day school,

[1:13:57] and she was talking, she was reading them a book

[1:13:59] about presidents that mentioned that there were no,

[1:14:01] there was only one Catholic president,

[1:14:03] and there had been no Jewish or Muslim presidents.

[1:14:05] And she said, one of you in here,

[1:14:07] maybe you'll grow up to be the first Jewish president.

[1:14:09] And one of the kids went, Barack Obama's not Jewish?

[1:14:12] Like they just, it had never occurred to them.

[1:14:16] Amazing.

[1:14:17] Okay, so let us move on to the final segment in the show

[1:14:20] where we recommend movies that might be a better use

[1:14:23] of your time than tracking down

[1:14:26] this Russian Pauly Shore Pinocchio film.

[1:14:29] Here's one of the problems with the world we live in today,

[1:14:32] and it's a minor problem, but I'll say this.

[1:14:33] There are many great movies

[1:14:35] that are unavailable to stream right now.

[1:14:37] Major companies are making them unavailable to stream.

[1:14:40] They're removing them from their platforms.

[1:14:41] They are too expensive to license or whatever.

[1:14:43] But Pinocchio, a true story, is available on Amazon.

[1:14:47] Every home in the world, I think,

[1:14:48] has ready access to rent it, which is ridiculous.

[1:14:51] It's easy access to this kind of low-rent, foreign crap.

[1:14:55] And I shouldn't say foreign, that's a nativist of me.

[1:14:57] But when, there's many great films

[1:15:00] in the history of cinema that you just cannot see

[1:15:02] unless you get hold of an aging, rotting VHS tape

[1:15:05] or a falling apart film strip.

[1:15:08] Yeah.

[1:15:10] And that's the biggest problem in the world today.

[1:15:14] I mean, we sound like old cranks, but it's true.

[1:15:16] You know, don't, like, this is why physical media

[1:15:19] is still valuable.

[1:15:20] We're a movie podcast.

[1:15:21] We should be, we care about movies and shit.

[1:15:23] Yeah.

[1:15:24] That's why we do this for 15 years.

[1:15:25] Speaking of movies, I'd like to recommend a film

[1:15:27] that is new in theaters right now.

[1:15:30] It is called Barbarian.

[1:15:31] Oh, shit, let me close my ears.

[1:15:32] Well, no, I'm not gonna say anything

[1:15:34] that will spoil anything, because the thing is-

[1:15:35] Is there a barbarian in it?

[1:15:37] Yeah, well-

[1:15:38] Shut up, dude.

[1:15:39] Shut the fuck up.

[1:15:40] Don't tell me anything, don't tell me anything.

[1:15:41] Surprising on a number of levels,

[1:15:43] and even that, like, when you hear that a film

[1:15:46] is surprising, that affects your experience of it, too.

[1:15:49] So I don't wanna say that much at all.

[1:15:52] But I found it consistently enjoyable,

[1:15:58] scary and funny by turns.

[1:16:01] It goes to some wild places, but the beauty of it

[1:16:06] is it's set up very methodically,

[1:16:09] where everything along the way is done

[1:16:13] with a lot of patience and people making sensible choices

[1:16:18] for the most part, rather than bad horror movie choices.

[1:16:22] And because it is so, like, well set up,

[1:16:27] the turns it does take later on, you know, work,

[1:16:33] because we have been appropriately grounded,

[1:16:37] but also that grounding experience is not boring.

[1:16:40] It is tense and thrilling on its own.

[1:16:43] So I just really enjoyed it.

[1:16:45] If you like horror movies that are inventive,

[1:16:52] I think you should support this.

[1:16:53] If you like horror movies, like, look,

[1:16:55] I'm not a person who is turning on

[1:16:59] quote-unquote elevated horror necessarily,

[1:17:01] but I do think that that is a type of horror

[1:17:05] that people have figured out

[1:17:08] that's how you get critical acclaim.

[1:17:11] But this is a smart, well-made horror movie

[1:17:15] in a much earlier tradition, I think,

[1:17:18] of bizarre horror that I enjoyed.

[1:17:23] So if that's the thing that you like,

[1:17:26] I say go out and support it.

[1:17:27] I had a great time.

[1:17:28] And that's all I will say about it.

[1:17:30] I'm gonna recommend a movie that is available on Shudder.

[1:17:35] Big surprise.

[1:17:36] I'm gonna recommend a movie called Saloom,

[1:17:39] which is this great, nice and short movie

[1:17:43] about a trio of mercenaries

[1:17:47] who are attempting to extract a drug trafficker

[1:17:50] from a city that is undergoing a coup.

[1:17:54] And they end up getting stuck in a part of Senegal

[1:17:59] and they need to escape.

[1:18:01] And it ends up being super tense.

[1:18:04] There's some supernatural elements,

[1:18:07] but it all feels really grounded.

[1:18:09] And it's, yeah, it's got some fun,

[1:18:12] it's got some like really good performances.

[1:18:14] And if you like a little bit of like action movie

[1:18:18] and a little bit of horror stuff,

[1:18:21] it like, it reminds me,

[1:18:22] it reminded me in parts of like

[1:18:25] a little bit of like a pitch black,

[1:18:26] a little bit of like attack the block,

[1:18:30] especially in the kind of monster design.

[1:18:33] It's really cool.

[1:18:34] So if you're looking for a kind of a nice, slim,

[1:18:38] but impactful action horror movie, Saloom is great.

[1:18:43] And I'm gonna recommend an old movie.

[1:18:46] What?

[1:18:47] It's not in theaters now.

[1:18:48] I recently, this is one that had been an old favorite

[1:18:51] of mine and I hadn't watched it

[1:18:52] in probably at least 10 or 15 years.

[1:18:55] I'm watching it recently and that's The Lady Vanishes,

[1:18:58] the Alfred Hitchcock movie

[1:18:59] that essentially was one of the ones

[1:19:01] that got him noticed by Hollywood.

[1:19:04] And it's just such a fun kind of funny,

[1:19:10] but suspenseful, but just kind of like enjoyable

[1:19:15] little mystery thriller.

[1:19:17] And I don't wanna say too much about the plot,

[1:19:19] but you may know that involves a woman who is on a train,

[1:19:22] she befriends an old lady,

[1:19:23] suddenly the old lady disappears

[1:19:25] and everyone on the train for their own selfish reasons,

[1:19:28] mostly refuses to admit that that old lady ever existed

[1:19:31] or that they ever saw her.

[1:19:32] And the young woman has to figure out what's going on.

[1:19:35] And I had forgotten that the thriller elements

[1:19:38] don't start until very far into the movie.

[1:19:40] Like the first 20 some odd or 30 minutes of the movie

[1:19:43] is just kind of like comedy at a small mountain hotel

[1:19:46] and the characters kind of bumping into each other,

[1:19:49] but it's still really entertaining the whole time.

[1:19:51] And it's just a super satisfying kind of fluff of a movie.

[1:19:56] It's the kind of movie that I feel like

[1:19:58] something like...

[1:20:00] that we watched recently is trying once should be wants to be something that is

[1:20:04] like entertaining kind of like not silly to the point where you're like I'm not

[1:20:09] buying into this but silly to the point where you are not worried about the

[1:20:13] meaning of things and you're just having fun the whole time and it's one of the

[1:20:16] best movies set on a train people love trains it's the most romantic way to

[1:20:20] travel right Dan mm-hmm I mean our president loves trains that's for sure

[1:20:24] I was thinking like celebrate the celebrate the recent calling off of a

[1:20:29] possible Amtrak strike with the lady vanishes I was thinking man was that the

[1:20:34] happiest Joe Biden has been his president it's like I get to resolve a

[1:20:38] train issue yeah I had to be honest I assumed it was this it was the hardest

[1:20:42] thing that he was like not you two trains you two are gonna make life

[1:20:46] difficult you two like that he felt yeah I hear that if you go into the White

[1:20:50] House DVD collection you're like I don't see snakes on a plane anywhere but they

[1:20:55] do have snakes on a train choice well that was a that was a fun one despite it

[1:21:04] but true story and I feel like it took us 20 minutes to get to the summary yeah

[1:21:11] which we then breeze through because there's not anything in it but I had a

[1:21:15] good time thank you for watching with me and thank you our listeners for

[1:21:21] listening to who are you are you going to the Grey Havens what's going on I'm

[1:21:26] just trying to be I'm just trying to be nice if you go to the Grey Havens you

[1:21:31] have to fucking tell me it's gonna tear me apart okay I'll tell you ahead of

[1:21:34] time hey listeners before you go to the Grey

[1:21:37] Havens go to iTunes leave us review to help spread the word about the show or

[1:21:41] tweet about it or just you know old-fashioned talk to someone in person

[1:21:45] tell them that you love this podcast IRL maybe it'll help run TRL you can

[1:21:52] follow the flop house pod on Twitter and the flop house podcast on Instagram we

[1:21:58] also have a YouTube channel that I have to get back to I was doing little clips

[1:22:02] from shows for a while and then that kind of fell off as I my life got busier

[1:22:06] again but I will I'll try to get back to it people don't don't push Dan too much

[1:22:12] he has a job he's working he needs to support himself he'll you'll get your

[1:22:16] extra flop house clips on YouTube thank you we were a member of maximum fun go

[1:22:20] to my hey hey hey hey Dan's trying his best okay that kind of language is

[1:22:23] unacceptable yeah don't don't take it personally calm down here sir sir I'm

[1:22:28] gonna leave sir the episodes almost over sir if you could just hold it in sir sir

[1:22:33] sir yes you can talk to my manager you know what I'm the manager sir sir okay

[1:22:38] goodbye we have to you have to leave now Wow Ellie it's a cooler did you know

[1:22:41] that you know I you know maybe he's white knighting me but I don't care

[1:22:46] cuz I you know I appreciate it sir sir well thank you sir that's very sweet of

[1:22:50] you sir sir I had no idea oh well sir well sir sir to serve it in the episode

[1:22:59] getting to adult I will go to maximum fun org check out all the other great

[1:23:02] max fun podcast thank you to our producer Alex Smith how old Dottie on

[1:23:06] Twitter that is h-o-w-e-l-l-d-a-w-d-y see what he's up to thank you for

[1:23:15] listening to the flop house I've been Dan McCoy I've been Stewart Wellington

[1:23:19] I'm Elliot Galen and this is sir and we've got some big news guys I'll tell

[1:23:23] you after the show whoa hey Dan I'm surprised we managed to go through the

[1:23:28] whole summary and he didn't bring up those felonious goofs from the Pinocchio

[1:23:31] movie felonious goofs yeah didn't weren't there goofs that were like

[1:23:36] there's a ton of sex in this movie or oh yeah go to the IMDB page someone they're

[1:23:41] not goofs someone had a little fun on the content warning section check it out

[1:23:47] I like that but you don't have to take my word for it go to your local

[1:23:52] library's computer and look it up look it was the one doing this summary but

[1:23:56] apparently this was Dan's responsibility to bring well he brought it to our

[1:23:59] attention in the text guys we were it almost jumped off the train bye bye you

[1:24:10] know sometimes I find it seems like Stewart might be in the state I find

[1:24:13] that like get less sleep so I'm temporarily in a much better mood than

[1:24:17] normal every time Dan is like extra sleepy or sick people are like wow he

[1:24:24] was on fucking fire yeah he was burning up much like the Hulk this my secret is

[1:24:32] I'm always tired you know what I'm saying Elliot all right I know what

[1:24:40] you're referring to it's something Mark Buffalo you got that reference yeah

[1:24:45] anyway yeah let's start maximum fun org comedy and culture artists owned

[1:24:54] audience supported

Ep. #379 - Pinocchio: A True Story

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