Ep. #379 - Pinocchio: A True Story

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Pinocchio, but not that one.

[0:06] Sorry, I don't know if that left you any room to do anything else.

Elliott Kalan

[0:09] I mean, not really. I mean, that's fine. You could do the joke this time.

Dan McCoy

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to The Flophouse with me, Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[0:40] I think there's some problems with our AI, Dan, that's built out of recordings of Dan's previous episodes.

[0:47] We're just going to keep going? Okay, I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:51] And I'm Elliot Kalin, trying to speak like a normal person.

Dan McCoy

[0:56] How's he doing? Right in.

[0:58] Hey, our podcast is about bad movies. That's what we do.

[1:03] We do movies that have had critical or commercial dismissal by those communities.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09] Now, when you say we do movies that have had critical or commercial dismissal, we make them?

Dan McCoy

[1:14] No, we are neither the directors nor the producers nor any of the above or below the line talent on this film,

Stuart Wellington

[1:21] which is why we can roast them so heartily.

[1:24] Dan is using the doing as in the theme song to the Ninja Turtles where it says Donatello does machines.

[1:31] It's not saying that he, say, has sex with an automatic sperm extractor machine like I was just showing Dan before the recording.

[1:38] It's talking that he spends time with them, creates them, reviews them, I'm assuming.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43] No, see, that's what I think the difference is when he says he does machines, I think it means he makes them,

[1:48] not that he does a podcast where he talks about machines.

Stuart Wellington

[1:52] Then I have not been paying attention to Ninja Turtles if that's the case.

[1:55] I thought he just wrote like a column for Popular Mechanics.

Dan McCoy

[1:58] I know.

[1:58] I also want to confirm that Stuart did indeed come in and show me an automatic sperm extracting machine.

[2:04] Everything makes me think of her, you know?

[2:06] People, you know, much like the list of Amity films, people think that that was a made-up goof rather than a real thing.

[2:13] Dan, are you in the market?

[2:14] Is that why?

[2:16] I don't know what brought it.

[2:17] I thought I would cheer him up.

[2:18] I think Stuart just happened to see it and was like, hey, dude, take a look at this.

[2:24] I'm like, yeah.

[2:24] Dan, you like robots?

[2:25] That looks like it would get the job done.

Elliott Kalan

[2:28] Considering that my hands can do it, I think that a high-tech machine probably can also.

[2:33] Yeah, but that machine could do it 24 hours a day.

[2:35] Your hand has to take breaks.

[2:36] Thanks, unions.

[2:37] No, inefficient.

Dan McCoy

[2:38] Yeah.

[2:38] I know.

[2:39] I'm just acknowledging that I don't think it's a difficult mechanic necessarily, the stroke.

[2:47] Anyway, let's move on to non-masturbatory talk.

Elliott Kalan

[2:50] Do you think that's what the crash test dummies from the crash test dummies TV show are doing now since they don't have a show anymore?

[2:55] That's their job?

Stuart Wellington

[2:55] Yeah.

[2:56] I don't know.

[2:57] I think it's insulting to suggest that sex work is a fallback professional.

Dan McCoy

[3:01] You know what?

[3:03] I realize I just said let's move on to non-masturbatory talk, but all talk in the Flophouse is by its nature masturbatory of a kind.

Elliott Kalan

[3:11] Couldn't you say that all filmmaking and all artistic expression is just man masturbating to the idea of creation, something that only God can do?

Dan McCoy

[3:19] Yeah, yeah.

[3:20] You know, a little peek behind the curtain.

[3:22] I've been working on a writing project.

[3:28] You can tell us about your erotic fan thing, sure.

[3:30] No, no.

[3:31] I'm trying to sell a book.

[3:33] We'll see whether it actually gets anywhere.

[3:34] But I've been hampered in this by thinking all the way along the way, like, who needs this?

[3:41] Why do I think I can add anything to anything?

[3:44] That's a dangerous thing to think.

Elliott Kalan

[3:46] That's a dangerous thing for a creator to think.

[3:47] Is there a reason?

[3:48] The answer is nobody.

[3:50] Yeah.

[3:51] I started thinking about that with a – I was working on – for a long time I was working on a novel.

[3:56] I don't think I'm going to be able to sell it anywhere.

[3:58] And I started thinking, like, is it worth it?

[4:00] Because it's filled with proprietary characters, right?

[4:03] Yeah, yeah.

[4:04] It's called Mickey Mouse meets Godzilla versus Deep Throat.

[4:12] Oh, wow.

[4:13] So it's going to be hard to sell.

[4:14] And I started thinking, nobody needs this.

[4:18] And, like, what's going to happen with it?

[4:20] And eventually all human culture will disappear when the human species ends.

[4:24] And then the universe is going to go into the eternal crunch.

[4:26] Yes, yes, yes.

[4:27] And there's just going to be no heat or energy anywhere.

[4:29] So, Dan, don't go down that – it's a slippery slope you shouldn't go down.

[4:32] Yeah, yeah, no.

[4:32] Does anyone need this?

[4:33] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[4:34] What I would also suggest is think about all the times when you're sitting around and you're like, man, I just need something to waste away some of the hours of this day.

[4:44] My life is, you know, trudging along.

[4:47] I just need some more entertainment.

[4:49] And the piles and piles of content that is being shoved at me every day does not save that fix.

[4:55] So you can provide some more content, some more slime for people to devour.

[4:59] That's true.

[5:00] Yeah, finally.

Dan McCoy

[5:00] There's just not enough stuff out in the world.

Elliott Kalan

[5:03] That's the problem.

[5:03] Yeah, there just needs to be more junk to be pushed, shoved into the maw of America.

[5:08] Okay.

[5:09] And now I didn't say maw of America.

[5:11] The maw of America is a great place.

[5:13] There's just – you know, it's just a quality place to spend your time.

[5:16] There's an indoor roller coaster.

[5:17] But the maw of America is a hideous, unending, bottomless abyss.

Dan McCoy

[5:21] Yeah.

[5:21] Well, as usual, masturbation has been followed by an existential crisis.

[5:25] So let's move on.

[5:27] You're doing it right.

[5:28] Let's move on to the show, which is, as I said, about bad movies.

[5:33] In September –

[5:34] Well, you said we do bad movies.

[5:35] That's true.

[5:36] He's got you there, buddy.

[5:37] We talk about them.

[5:38] And in Small Timber slash Small-vember, we talk about –

[5:42] Thank you.

[5:43] Thank you for recognizing my faith, Dan.

[5:44] Movies that are a little –

[5:45] Small-vember.

[5:46] Smaller.

[5:47] And you might be confused.

[5:48] You might be like, Pinocchio, isn't that a big Disney release straight to Disney Plus

[5:53] from Robert Zemeckis?

[5:55] Bobby Z?

[5:56] Yeah, the famous Bobby Z.

[5:58] But we're not doing that one.

[6:01] We're doing –

[6:03] You know, this is actually –

[6:05] It's Kismet.

[6:06] We are, in a weird way, hitching our wagon to another movie that appears to be kind of a

[6:11] critical flop.

Stuart Wellington

[6:12] It's almost like we're making a mockbuster.

[6:15] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[6:15] And this one –

Elliott Kalan

[6:16] This is a mockbuster of a podcast about Pinocchio, the Robert Zemeckis movie.

Dan McCoy

[6:21] Yeah.

[6:21] So this one is a Russian –

[6:23] It started out – it was a Russian film and it has been dubbed, I would say, indifferently

[6:28] into English, mostly by a cast of Russian English speakers.

[6:34] But the three major characters are American voices.

[6:40] Tom Kenny, who is obviously great, but a couple people –

[6:44] But not in this.

[6:45] Not in this, yeah.

[6:46] He's great in many other things.

[6:47] In many other things.

[6:48] Like what?

Stuart Wellington

[6:48] No, what's he in?

[6:50] Tom Kenny.

[6:51] Yeah.

[6:52] He's best known now as the voice of SpongeBob.

Dan McCoy

[6:54] Yeah, he's SpongeBob.

Elliott Kalan

[6:55] Oh, cool.

[6:55] Okay.

[6:56] He does a lot of cartoon voices, but yeah, he was on Mr. Show and he was on – you may

[6:59] know him from MTV's The Edge sketch show from the 1990s.

Dan McCoy

[7:03] Okay.

[7:03] Normally a terrific voice actor.

[7:05] Here, he is hampered by the fact that it seems like no one spent more than an hour recording

[7:10] their lines.

[7:11] And why would they, Dan?

[7:12] To be honest, that's the right amount of time for this.

[7:15] And we've also got John Hader as the horse and Pauly Shore as Pinocchio, the natural

[7:23] casting for this.

[7:24] And I want to ask you guys –

[7:25] A grown man voicing a little wooden boy.

[7:27] It's perfect.

[7:28] But he is kind of a boy at heart.

[7:31] Pauly Shore is a figure that like – I feel like people today would be like, oh, he must

[7:37] have made sense at the time.

[7:38] And I want to say, no, I never understood what the deal was.

[7:41] Can you guys explain Pauly Shore to me?

[7:43] Because he would be on MTV.

[7:45] He would be talking about how he is the weasel.

[7:48] Yeah, the weasel.

[7:48] And you're chilling with the weasel.

Elliott Kalan

[7:50] The weasel, yeah.

[7:51] And I would watch it like, what is –

[7:53] It was – and I remember when he was sued by Elie Weasel, yeah, for copyright infringement.

Dan McCoy

[7:59] But I would be sitting there, young Dan would be watching Mr. P. Shore wondering, where's

[8:04] the joke here?

[8:05] What is going on?

[8:06] What is happening?

Elliott Kalan

[8:07] I'll tell you this, Dan.

[8:08] Can someone explain this to me?

[8:08] I'll explain it.

[8:09] His mother ran the most famous stand-up club in Los Angeles.

[8:14] Right.

[8:15] And so she was very valuable to a lot of people's careers.

[8:19] And like many people who are successful in Hollywood, inexplicably, his family was involved in the business.

[8:25] And so if you've ever listened to an episode of WTF, you know that his mother, Mitzi Shore, ran the Laugh Factory.

[8:30] I believe it was.

[8:31] Of course she.

[8:31] Right.

[8:31] And so the –

Stuart Wellington

[8:33] Was that the one that was dramatized in – was it a Showtime show?

[8:38] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[8:38] I think it was called I'm Dying Up Here?

[8:40] Yes.

[8:41] Yeah.

[8:41] And there's a good book about it.

[8:42] I think of the same name.

[8:44] It's called The Bible.

[8:45] It's called The Bible.

[8:48] Anyway, a good book about the comedy writer's strike – the comedian's strike, not comedy writer's strike.

[8:53] That's every 20 years, the comedy writer's strike.

[8:55] The stand-up strike of the Laugh Factory.

[8:58] But he – I have to say when I was young, I also didn't understand the joke.

[9:02] I still don't understand the joke.

[9:03] But it seems like he's trying to fill – he's trying to fill the role that was filled by the animal houses of yore where he's kind of like a party guy who's just like rude.

[9:13] Trickster spirit.

[9:14] And trickster spirit, yeah.

[9:15] Yeah.

[9:16] And that came up.

[9:16] And so he was taking – much like the Marx Brothers, he took the piss out of the military within the army and the army now.

[9:21] He took the piss out of civil society with son-in-law, out of science with Biodome, much like the Marx Brothers did with horse feathers.

Stuart Wellington

[9:28] And I feel like Biodome has had a little bit of a cultural reevaluation.

[9:33] I could be giving it too much credit.

[9:35] I feel like –

Dan McCoy

[9:35] I feel like you're wrong about that.

[9:37] I could be wrong also.

[9:39] I was – I'm never – I've never been a fan.

[9:41] I don't – I want to be fair to him.

[9:42] Like I could see him if you put him as a supporting character.

[9:45] Oh, so Dan doesn't like Encino Man, huh?

[9:48] Yeah, he took the piss out of illusion in Encino.

[9:50] Dan doesn't like Brendan Fraser, huh?

Elliott Kalan

[9:52] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[9:53] Suddenly Dan doesn't like George of the Jungle or Dudley Do-Right or Blast from the Past.

Dan McCoy

[9:57] I am –

[9:58] Dan says the whale is going to flop.

[10:00] The resurgence of Brendan Fraser's career after he had a lot of bad luck, both physical and emotional.

[10:07] I'm all for Brendan Fraser.

Elliott Kalan

[10:07] Dan would watch the TV show Fraser because he thought it was about Brendan Fraser.

Dan McCoy

[10:11] Anyway.

[10:12] I could see Paulie Shore being kind of a good second banana in something, but they tried to make him a giant banana, a major banana.

Elliott Kalan

[10:20] But I do think that I guess –

[10:23] Dan, major banana has proudly served our country for many years.

Stuart Wellington

[10:25] I feel like Will Ferrell is better as a second banana.

[10:28] No offense to Will Ferrell.

[10:30] He's very talented.

[10:31] No, no, that's true.

[10:31] But I think it's – he goes down a little easier when he's not the main character.

Dan McCoy

[10:35] I can see Paulie Shore sort of fitting into that 90s surge of like extreme but also laid-back Southern California feeling –

[10:45] like he is like the Michelangelo from the Ninja Turtles.

[10:49] What?

[10:49] Yes.

[10:50] Kind of.

[10:51] He's in that tradition.

[10:51] If he was going to be a Ninja Turtle, sure.

Stuart Wellington

[10:53] He's like sublime personified.

Elliott Kalan

[10:56] Well, there was – you're right.

[10:57] There was a period – did it start with Bill and Ted or did it happen before Bill and Ted?

[11:02] Where there was this idea that like people who said like dude and radical and things like that and talked like this were like automatic comedy.

[11:10] And he does slot into that brief window in American time.

[11:14] The same way – it was to the 90s what the hillbilly comedy revolution – renaissance of the 60s was.

Stuart Wellington

[11:20] I mean I feel like that was the main joke.

[11:22] Like that was what made Fast Times at Ridgemont High classified as a comedy.

[11:27] Because I remember watching and being like this is not funny.

[11:30] Yeah.

[11:30] There's a sad experience with abortion in the middle of it.

[11:34] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[11:34] I mean it was funny to watch the TV edit of it which edited the Phoebe Cates, Judge Reinhold masturbation scene to remove all the masturbation parts.

[11:42] So it appeared as if this was actually happening in the world of the film.

[11:45] Phoebe Cates was seducing him.

Stuart Wellington

[11:46] All roads lead back to masturbation at the farce.

Dan McCoy

[11:49] I will say one – I will say a nice thing about Mr. Shore.

[11:52] I did a little research about this movie and this is all based on like what people are saying on the internet.

[11:58] So who knows whether –

Elliott Kalan

[12:00] So as much research as most people do for politics.

[12:02] Yeah.

[12:04] But –

[12:04] And science.

Dan McCoy

[12:06] But this version of Pinocchio had like kind of some viral fame particularly on TikTok because Pauly Shore was just doing his normal sort of Pauly Shore voice.

Elliott Kalan

[12:17] I will say it's his normal voice but with – if anything like less human and weird – his intonations are weirder.

[12:25] Right.

[12:25] There's a part of the end – spoiler alert.

[12:26] Pinocchio becomes a real boy and at the end they go, Pinocchio, you're alive.

[12:29] And he goes, yeah, so what?

[12:31] Or something like that.

[12:32] We're like, yeah, so I am.

[12:34] And it's like that's a weird read.

[12:36] It was just a very funny read.

Dan McCoy

[12:38] Well, and on TikTok I think they were talking about the yassification of Pinocchio.

[12:42] Like Pinocchio became sort of an ironic gay icon in the same way that the Babadook did.

Elliott Kalan

[12:49] What's funny is the Babadook has now become a sincere gay icon.

Dan McCoy

[12:52] Yeah.

[12:53] That's the thing.

[12:54] Yeah.

[12:54] Like it starts as irony and then unfortunately I think due to the sad lack of non like gay specific gay stories.

[13:03] I see.

[13:04] Like these things become real icons.

[13:06] But anyway, like the – Pauly Shore embraced this wholeheartedly and with like great fun apparently.

[13:13] And I will say good on you, Mr. Shore.

[13:17] But anyway, let's get into the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[13:19] Okay.

[13:19] We'll put that in the cheers section.

[13:21] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[13:22] Cheers to Pauly Shore for his reaction to the movie.

[13:25] Jeers to the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[13:27] Jeers to the nation of Russia that created the movie which according to IMDb, one week after this movie was released in Russia, Russia invaded Ukraine.

[13:34] I have to assume as a way to escape watching Pinocchio.

[13:37] Oh, no.

[13:38] But I want to – on a serious note, I want to –

[13:39] Maybe this will change the news cycle.

[13:42] We've got to change the – we've got to change the narrative away from Pinocchio, the true story.

[13:47] So I'll take a serious moment to say that obviously the Flophouse stands with Ukraine.

[13:50] The Flophouse abhors what Russia has done and what – and we feel for both the people of Ukraine and the people of Russia who have been forced to take part in Putin's madness.

[13:59] If we say anything about Russia on this or the fact that we're covering this movie, don't take it as an endorsement of Russia or its actions.

[14:05] We obviously are on Ukraine's side and every day that Ukraine pushes forward and regains land is a happy day in the Flophouse household.

[14:12] So that being said, I did want to say it is surprising that Russia made such a bad Pinocchio movie.

[14:18] I assume Russia makes crap too, but of all the nations that can lay claim to a great filmmaking heritage, Russia is one of them.

[14:27] Like as great as the United States or Japan or France or any part of the world.

[14:35] There's a – like Russia helped create film in the 19-teens and earlier.

[14:41] And so it's like, wow, you guys forgot everything you knew about making movies, huh?

Dan McCoy

[14:45] Well, as long as we're talking about this, like this does bring up the other thing that came up in my research, which is that, you know, because Russia sort of didn't give a shit about copyright, Pinocchio is a big cultural figure in Russia.

[15:00] But like not necessarily through the original Pinocchio, but through a rewritten Russian version.

[15:05] And it is my understanding that this movie of Pinocchio sort of combines version – like parts of the original story and parts of this Russian version.

[15:13] I don't know how true that is.

Elliott Kalan

[15:14] Now you're saying a Russian novel of Pinocchio that came out?

Dan McCoy

[15:17] Yeah, they like – they just rewrote it, you know.

Elliott Kalan

[15:19] They just did a pirated – like the same thing happened with Don Quixote where Cervantes had to write a – he had to release the second part of Don Quixote early.

[15:27] Because all these fake bootleg sequels to Don Quixote were coming out.

[15:30] Wait, is that true?

[15:32] Yeah, yeah.

[15:32] That's awesome.

[15:33] That was back – there's no copyright law in the late 16th, early 17th centuries.

Stuart Wellington

[15:38] That's probably where the background for Cervantes in the Soul Calibur series comes from.

[15:45] Like for some reason, the character of Cervantes, the author has ceased to write Don Quixote and has focused on his Soul Calibur abilities.

[15:55] Okay, let's – speaking of this fucking story, let's just dip into it unless you have something burning to talk about.

Elliott Kalan

[16:01] No, maybe as we go along, maybe, Dan, you can point out which things are from the Russian Pinocchio and which things are from the original Italian Pinocchio.

[16:07] I am not an expert again.

Dan McCoy

[16:07] All right.

[16:08] This is from stuff I saw people say on the internet.

[16:11] Cool, yeah.

[16:11] So take it with several grains of salt.

Stuart Wellington

[16:14] So we'll turn to you if we need like IMDb goofs or some shit to jump in here.

[16:19] Okay, so the movie opens.

[16:21] We're greeted by Tybalt, a talking horse, who promises to tell us the true story.

Elliott Kalan

[16:26] Voiced by John Hader, right?

[16:28] Yeah, Napoleon Dynamite himself.

[16:29] John Hader playing a talking horse here.

Dan McCoy

[16:31] I'm sorry.

[16:31] I know that we just got into it.

[16:33] But I just – quickly.

[16:34] The convention of saying like blank a true story I find always annoying and infuriating where it's like, okay, so the made-up story that we heard before was incorrect.

[16:48] Here's a different made-up story.

[16:50] What are you talking about?

[16:51] That is the true version.

[16:52] He said it's true.

[16:53] And it's not particularly different.

Elliott Kalan

[16:54] It's not like there's no magic or anything in this one.

Dan McCoy

[16:57] If anything, it's more arbitrarily magic.

[16:59] And I also feel like it's from movie makers thinking like, okay, we have to acknowledge that this is an old story that there's been several versions of before.

[17:08] So we'll set ours apart by being like, you thought you knew it.

[17:12] But here's the –

Stuart Wellington

[17:13] Yeah, they didn't want to say like, Pinocchio, the good version.

Dan McCoy

[17:16] But I feel like in today's media world, it is more unusual to see a faithful retelling of an old story than it is like, what's our take on this?

[17:30] So it doesn't even work as that anymore.

[17:32] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[17:33] It's like how a lot of the 90s comics writers from England like Gaiman and specifically Alan Moore initially focused on kind of subverting the medium but then relatively quickly realized that they just wanted to make stories that harken back to the comics they love as kids, right?

[17:51] When he had an opportunity to make work for himself, Alan Moore started making America's Best Comics, which is really kind of like – just like old-timey comics rather than some of the lazy comics that guys are trying to make comics.

Dan McCoy

[18:04] Are they like old-timey comics?

[18:05] I'm not sure.

[18:06] I recall old-timey comics having like Promethea just like diverging into sort of long –

[18:14] Well, here's the thing.

Elliott Kalan

[18:15] America's Best Comics, it can be divided into three things.

[18:17] And it's good that we're talking about this in the Pinocchio, a true story episode.

[18:20] But Alan Moore's long-since-defunct America's Best Comics line could be divided into retro storytelling, your Tom Strong, your Jack B. Quick, sex storytelling as in Cobweb where he took old tropes and made them sexier, and then also long explorations of the way his personal system of magic works.

[18:42] And that would be your Promethea where for 18 issues or so, it would just become about each step of the Kabbalah's tree of life or whatever.

[18:50] But the art in those, you got to give it to him.

[18:52] Art was –

[18:53] J.H. Williams III.

[18:56] Yeah, J.H. Williams III, doing beautiful work as always.

[18:59] Now, we're far away from this, but since we're – Napoleon Dynamite is playing a talking horse, would you call him a gentleman bronco?

[19:06] I might.

[19:07] I might do that.

[19:08] That, of course, being a reference to a movie that the director of Napoleon Dynamite made afterwards but not one that John Hader was in.

[19:15] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[19:16] Cool.

[19:16] So your joke still counts.

[19:18] It still counts.

[19:19] We're on the board.

Dan McCoy

[19:20] Give me half credit.

Stuart Wellington

[19:21] Half credit.

[19:21] Okay.

[19:22] So going back to America's Best Comics.

[19:23] Okay.

[19:25] Well, this might make a little more sense for you guys.

[19:28] It's similar to how – to speak of another artist, it's similar to how some of the second wave black metal bands like Dark Throne, again, went as lo-fi and as abrasive as possible.

[19:37] Again, tried to subvert traditional heavy metal tropes.

[19:40] But then nowadays have kind of harkened back to the stuff that they loved growing up, more traditional, new wave of British heavy metal type stuff, motorhead type stuff.

[19:48] So it's the same thing.

[19:49] You know, it's all about that.

Dan McCoy

[19:50] We're all caught in this cycle of sort of like classicism and then things get more baroque and then they get postmodern and then they go back to classicism.

[19:59] So –

Elliott Kalan

[19:59] I think when you're young, you feel like it's time to make your mark and so you've got to screw things up and change them.

[20:05] And then when you get older, you get afraid and tired and you go, oh, let me just do stuff that I like that sounds like I like.

[20:10] And you can look at the same thing with Martin Scorsese, his early, younger works.

[20:14] You had movies like Mean Streets and then later you have more run-of-the-mill stuff like Silence.

[20:19] Okay.

[20:21] Where it's like, I want to go back to the stories of spiritually damaged monks in Japan that I remember from my childhood.

Stuart Wellington

[20:29] Well, in a way, Elliot, it makes sense because I don't know if you knew this, but movies used to be silent.

[20:35] Oh.

[20:37] I did not know that.

[20:38] Okay, so this talking horse tells us he's going to tell us the true story while walking through a circus.

[20:42] By the way, this talking horse actually talks, which like early on I thought like, oh, this horse is –

Dan McCoy

[20:48] No, duh. He said talking horse, Dan.

[20:49] No, I know.

[20:50] Early on I thought they just put peanut butter in his mouth and he moved his legs.

[20:53] Within the world of the film, this horse talks, which early on I thought –

[20:58] Yeah, no one is that impressed by it.

[20:59] Yeah, I thought that, oh, this horse is just going to talk to us, maybe to Pinocchio.

[21:04] But no, this horse talks to everyone and everyone is aware that it's a talking horse, which makes the fact that this puppet talks much less impressive, especially because the puppet –

[21:12] Yes.

[21:12] Puppet, like – puppet, sorry.

[21:14] People could think like, oh, this is some sort of –

[21:16] Man's peas are popping.

[21:18] This is a trick, you know.

Elliott Kalan

[21:20] Or Dan, this is a boy with his skin painted to look like wood, which is what I would assume if I saw this talking puppet.

[21:27] Yeah, exactly.

[21:27] There's just a world where there's a talking horse, there's a fox man and a cat man.

[21:32] Yeah.

[21:32] Just walking around.

[21:33] But everyone is so excited and impressed by a talking puppet that walks around.

[21:37] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[21:37] And at one point, doesn't Geppetto even say, like, you're the world's only talking horse?

[21:41] Yes.

[21:41] Very early on, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[21:42] To me, this is way more exciting because we can talk to this horse, we can ask it questions about what it is to be a horse.

[21:48] Exactly.

[21:49] You know, what horse life is.

Stuart Wellington

[21:50] And seeing something 100% unique like the world's only talking horse.

[21:53] It's similar to years ago when I was in Barcelona and I visited the zoo and I saw Floquette de Nuit, the world's only – snowflake for non-Spanish speakers.

[22:03] There's a lot of snowflakes, Drew.

[22:05] Yeah, there's billions of them.

[22:06] Which is weird to name a unique creature like Snowflake the world's only albino gorilla.

[22:13] I got to see him in the zoo.

[22:16] It was amazing.

[22:16] I'm like, I'm looking at a very unique creature that is now throwing its own poop at me.

[22:24] But he had gotten very tired because the zoo had been basically fucking this guy to death because they were like, we need another albino gorilla baby.

[22:32] So they made him have sex with all these other gorillas.

[22:34] It's horrible.

[22:36] The zoo's are bad, everybody.

Elliott Kalan

[22:37] It was like Marcello Mostriani and I think Safiya Loren in that one movie where she – to stay out of jail for selling cigarettes illegally, she needs to be pregnant.

[22:44] So she keeps making him give her babies and she eventually has sex with him to death I think.

Stuart Wellington

[22:49] It's a comedy.

[22:50] What a way to go.

[22:51] Okay.

[22:52] So we are introduced to Geppetto, a – what, a woodworker, carver, old man?

Elliott Kalan

[22:57] It's implied he's an inventor of some kind because he has glasses that have little lenses at the top that you can swing down like jeweler's loops kind of.

[23:05] So he's just some sort of all-purpose tinkerer.

[23:07] Like Dwayne Wayne.

[23:09] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[23:11] Dwayne made the Leonardo of a different world.

[23:17] Okay.

[23:17] So Geppetto has this little wooden boy he made and he's trying to name him.

[23:23] He's interrupted in this process by a guest who is a magical fairy named Lucilda who repays him for fixing her magic wand by magically bringing Pinocchio to life.

[23:33] Her reasoning is at least it will make for an extremely interesting story.

[23:39] Sadly, that will not prove to be the case.

[23:41] Unfortunately, no.

[23:44] She, of course, has a magical – I don't even know if it's magical at this point – a talking parrot.

[23:49] And this is where we get the title, of course, Sprayed Across the Heavens, Pinocchio, a True Story.

Elliott Kalan

[23:57] Question mark, exclamation point.

Stuart Wellington

[23:59] Okay.

[24:00] So we have to assume that –

[24:02] Wait, now, guys.

[24:02] I just want to say this isn't a true story though, right?

[24:06] I mean it's tough because it says that.

[24:08] So you're like, I'm assuming it isn't.

[24:11] Like they couldn't legally say that, right?

[24:13] The door is open a crack, right?

[24:16] The door is open a crack to say it might actually be true.

[24:20] Could this be true?

[24:21] Could this – is this real?

[24:24] Okay.

[24:25] So we have to assume some time has passed.

[24:28] Pinocchio is stunt riding Tybalt the horse in a series of various like flips and trick riding techniques.

[24:37] And I hope you find this impressive because you're going to see this exact same series of tricks done multiple times throughout the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[24:44] Well, this being a true story, they didn't want to invent new tricks that he didn't really do in real life.

[24:49] They're stuck with the catalog of tricks that Pinocchio and Tybalt actually performed in real life.

[24:54] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[24:55] Yeah, like I'm assuming in the Elvis movie he doesn't start rapping all of a sudden because he never did that in real life.

Dan McCoy

[25:01] I mean –

[25:02] He's like Joja Cat doesn't show up and rap a song with him.

[25:05] I mean it is a Baz Luhrmann movie.

[25:07] There is pretty anachronistic versions of music in it.

Stuart Wellington

[25:13] He doesn't sing that weird opera song from The Fifth Element at some point, right?

[25:17] No, he doesn't do that.

[25:18] That would be great though.

[25:20] That's his first number one hit, yeah.

[25:22] By the way, if that happens in Elvis, that will be the best movie I've ever seen.

Elliott Kalan

[25:27] I mean I haven't seen Elvis, so I don't really – and I don't really know what the factual inaccuracies are in it.

[25:33] But Dan, did you see it?

[25:34] What musical anachronisms are there?

Dan McCoy

[25:36] I mean I don't – I think it's less in Elvis' performance.

[25:40] They use a lot of like – when he goes to sort of the black neighborhoods and I think Nashville – I'm sorry.

[25:48] I don't remember exactly like – there's a lot of rap music that's played just to sort of – or sort of mashups of older music and rap music, which is effective.

Elliott Kalan

[25:57] But it's just background music?

[25:59] It's sound – but it's not – or are people performing it in the streets?

[26:02] It's not diegetic or anything.

[26:04] It's diegetic.

Dan McCoy

[26:05] It's not diegetic but it's also supposed to be representative of like what Elvis is seeing in this community.

[26:13] Like the idea that like this – I think it's trying to make an equivalence.

[26:18] Like put it – throw us back to that time.

[26:20] Like what would be sort of new and exciting in the same way back then.

Elliott Kalan

[26:25] The same way that in Deadwood, they swear a lot to give the idea of how much they swore in the West.

[26:31] In the West, they didn't swear that much.

[26:32] It was just that they swore more than regular people swore.

[26:35] Right.

Stuart Wellington

[26:35] Now, do you think they play that kind of music because they want to represent that Elvis – his brain is operating at a higher level and he's hearing this music and he is almost imagining the future that will be created.

[26:46] Like the direction this music will go many years in the future, Dave.

[26:49] What do you think?

[26:50] What do you think about this movie I haven't seen yet?

Dan McCoy

[26:53] It could be.

[26:54] I also didn't want to say like the Elvis performances, while not to that degree, they are a little more rockin' than like the actual versions may have been.

[27:04] Like everything's pumped up to indicate like this was revolutionary.

[27:09] This is what it felt like.

[27:10] Wait.

[27:10] Revolutionary.

[27:10] By the master of subtlety, Baz Lorman?

[27:13] Yeah.

[27:14] Elvis is an interesting movie.

[27:16] Like I –

[27:16] It is –

[27:17] I kind of liked it.

[27:19] I mean I haven't seen it.

Stuart Wellington

[27:20] I was assuming we were going to watch it for the podcast.

[27:22] So now I got to watch it on my own?

[27:24] Okay.

[27:24] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[27:24] I'm predisposed to like Baz Lorman just because his name sounds like a character from a Dickens novel who is – who like lives in a cellar somewhere.

[27:32] And has to do odd jobs for shillings but still.

Stuart Wellington

[27:35] Okay.

[27:36] So we're barely into this movie.

[27:37] Yeah.

[27:38] So he's stunt riding to –

Elliott Kalan

[27:39] Unfortunately, there's barely any movie there.

[27:40] Yeah.

[27:41] This is –

[27:41] I was so glad watching this that Stuart was doing the summary because I wasn't taking notes.

[27:45] And this movie flowed out of one side of my head as quickly as it flowed into the other side.

[27:49] I had the same experience.

Dan McCoy

[27:49] Like it slid off my brain as soon as the light stopped hitting the light receptors.

[27:56] This is a frictionless movie.

[27:58] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[27:58] So to Bolton, Pinocchio, wander off.

[28:02] We are introduced to Detective Brioni and his two constables.

[28:09] I guess looking for criminals, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[28:12] I don't quite know.

[28:13] It's not clear what they're looking for although Geppetto is very worried that they're going to see Pinocchio because I guess it's a crime for a puppet to live.

[28:20] To be alive, right?

[28:21] Yeah.

[28:22] And much like Trevor Noah, Pinocchio was born a crime.

[28:27] But Brioni is also set up to be like a buffoon.

[28:30] But by the end of the movie, we're supposed to, I guess, take him seriously as like an officer of the law.

Dan McCoy

[28:36] It's very strange.

[28:37] I cannot overstate how much all of the line readings are strange.

[28:42] And with characters like Brioni, it makes a little more sense because this is someone acting in their second language.

[28:47] And I mean, it's not inappropriate so much as they're just basically affectless at all points.

[28:54] And then you have Pauly Shore doing his Pauly Shore voice but like programmed into an AI or something.

Stuart Wellington

[29:02] Yeah.

[29:03] Yeah.

[29:03] And then so Brioni shows up and he interrogates Geppetto a little and then he and his constables hear the sound of gunfire and run off screen.

[29:14] We never find out what that's about.

[29:16] We never find out.

[29:16] But what's weird is that Pinocchio and Geppetto have kind of a discussion or argument.

[29:21] Pinocchio wants to explore the world.

[29:23] Geppetto wants him to show restraint and be careful.

[29:25] But then they hear gunfire and Pinocchio runs off to investigate.

[29:31] Okay.

[29:32] So we're introducing characters.

[29:34] We have a lot of characters to introduce.

[29:35] So now we go to a nearby circus where an evil ringmaster, Mangio Fuoco, a.k.a. Papa Giaffo, is brainstorming on ways to improve attendance to the circus with a human fox hybrid and a gun-toting cat hybrid.

[29:52] I guess the gunshots are from the cat.

Elliott Kalan

[29:54] But the constable never shows up.

[29:57] So I assumed that there was different gunshots that he was chasing after.

[30:00] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[30:02] I'm just assuming this is a place, a lawless wasteland of gunshots and everybody's fighting over the precious juice.

[30:09] Okay.

[30:10] The circus.

[30:11] You say the precious juice?

[30:12] Juice.

[30:13] I mean.

[30:13] Oh, juice.

[30:14] Oh, okay.

[30:15] You are precious to us.

Elliott Kalan

[30:16] Yeah.

[30:16] Thank you.

[30:16] I appreciate that.

[30:19] Based on the novel Pushed by Sapphire.

[30:20] Yeah.

[30:22] That's what you're saying is that I'm based on the novel Pushed by Sapphire.

Stuart Wellington

[30:25] All the gunfire makes the horse that is pulling a circus coach run off with the carriage.

[30:34] And trapped inside is Bella, the ringmaster's daughter.

[30:39] And Pinocchio manages to stop the carriage with some careful horse riding and keeps it from riding off a cliff.

Dan McCoy

[30:46] Sitting on the horse and going, left, left.

[30:49] Yep.

[30:49] Which is the direction away from the cliff.

[30:52] But in Pauly Shore's patented sort of like half wine.

[30:57] Turn left.

[30:59] Turn left.

[31:00] He's so hard to do.

[31:02] Like, it's an unusual performance.

[31:06] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[31:08] My favorite thing about Pauly Shore's performance is the kind of weird way he pronounces Tybalt's name.

[31:14] His horse friend father.

Dan McCoy

[31:17] Tybalt.

[31:18] Okay.

[31:19] Like, the line that got a lot of play online was, and I'm not going to be able to do it as well as he does, but it's just like,

[31:24] But father, when will I get to see the world?

[31:31] So strange.

[31:32] It's pretty great.

[31:33] Okay.

[31:33] It's weird.

Elliott Kalan

[31:34] And also, and the character, it's because it's supposed to be a kid, and sometimes sounds like it's supposed to be like a real jokester,

[31:44] japester character, but he doesn't really have funny lines.

Dan McCoy

[31:46] I mean, he sounds like what he is now, which is a middle-aged man.

[31:50] Like, that's what Pinocchio sounds like.

Stuart Wellington

[31:52] Yeah, well, I don't know what a wooden larynx should sound like.

[31:56] That's true.

Dan McCoy

[31:57] Good point.

[31:58] Air would flow differently over it.

[31:59] It's amazing he can even vibrate.

[31:59] I mean, it should sound, I guess, like a clarinet, maybe.

[32:02] You're an oboe.

[32:02] True.

[32:03] Yep.

[32:04] Pinocchio bow.

[32:05] Yeah, sure.

Stuart Wellington

[32:06] Okay.

[32:07] So, Pinocchio has rescued Bella.

[32:10] Bella asks for the name of her savior, which, of course, is Jesus Christ.

[32:14] But in this case, Pinocchio explains himself.

[32:17] It's Grease's jeans.

[32:17] Grease's jeans.

[32:18] Yeah.

[32:20] Dan, have you heard the group blues?

[32:25] Now, this is when Mangio Fuoco and his two henchmen show up.

[32:31] The cat character immediately shoots Pinocchio.

[32:37] Pinocchio collapses, having been shot, but it turns out his wooden body is impervious to bullets.

[32:42] In fact, there is no sign that a bullet hit him at any point.

[32:45] I would say that wood is one of the most pervious of materials.

[32:51] One of the most splinterable.

[32:52] Yeah.

[32:53] Mangio Fuoco introduces himself as also Papa Giaffo.

[32:57] He tries to convince Pinocchio and Tybalt to join his circus, which Pinocchio is very excited about.

[33:04] They then run back home.

[33:07] Pinocchio quickly convinces Geppetto to let him go.

[33:09] I thought this was going to be a much bigger thing, but in fact, Geppetto's like, fuck it, dude, just be careful.

[33:14] And he's like, okay, I will, but he's not going to be.

[33:18] Meanwhile, Detective Brioni.

[33:19] You said there's a girl out there?

[33:20] Get on that.

[33:21] Yeah, hit it, buddy.

[33:24] Meanwhile, Detective Brioni is following the circus for some reason.

[33:29] I don't know if you guys caught it, but I don't think they've established there's been any crimes going on.

Elliott Kalan

[33:33] They have not, and they do not until the circus is identified as a gang of criminals later in the movie.

[33:39] We never see any crimes taking place, and no one talks about thievery.

Dan McCoy

[33:43] I think the detective just finds Pinocchio suspicious from moment one for whatever reason.

[33:48] Understandably.

Elliott Kalan

[33:49] I mean, he is, again, he is a soulless wooden abomination that is walking around and talking.

[33:54] So, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[33:55] So, the circus puts on a performance.

[33:58] Pinocchio does.

Elliott Kalan

[33:58] Unlike the very normal talking animals that populate this world.

[34:02] Gun-toting talking animals.

[34:04] Okay, gun-toting talking cat man.

[34:06] Go about your business.

[34:08] That checks out.

[34:09] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[34:10] Wooden boy.

[34:10] I don't think so.

Stuart Wellington

[34:12] So, the circus arrives in town, and they put on a show for an initially very skeptical crowd.

[34:16] But then Pinocchio does all the stunts he did earlier.

[34:18] You wonder why they went there.

Elliott Kalan

[34:19] Because one of the crowd goes, this is bad.

[34:22] I saw this show last time.

[34:23] And it's like, well, why'd you come again?

[34:25] Why are you here?

[34:26] You have to assume there's not much else to go on.

[34:28] There's not a lot.

[34:30] There's not a lot of entertainment.

[34:32] It reminds me of-

Stuart Wellington

[34:33] And part of the entertainment is having something to complain about.

[34:36] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[34:36] Yeah, that's fair.

[34:37] There's an old story about, it was the 1840, I can't remember, 1840 or 1844 election.

[34:46] The one where William Henry Harrison was running.

[34:48] And one of the big stunts was that supporters of his had a huge ball made out of tin, and they would roll it from town to town and say, vote for William Henry Harrison.

[34:57] And people would come from miles around when they heard this tin ball was coming to see it because there was so little entertainment in the world that they were like, a huge ball of tin?

[35:07] I've never seen that.

[35:08] Let me spend hours and be away from my farm when work needs to be done.

Dan McCoy

[35:12] I might turn out for a big tin ball that someone's rolled into town.

[35:15] Honestly, how far would you travel for a big tin ball someone's rolled into town?

[35:19] Well, not far.

[35:19] You know, like, if I, look, if it was in Manhattan and I was there already for work, I'd be like, maybe I'll check out this tin ball.

Elliott Kalan

[35:26] Yeah, that's not the situation.

[35:27] This is, most Americans are still rural at the time.

[35:29] This is a day out of your life that you're spending to go see this tin ball.

[35:33] And you're not even seeing the tin cup, the hilarious Kevin Costner film.

[35:36] It's just a big tin ball.

Stuart Wellington

[35:37] They would have to wait many years for that.

Elliott Kalan

[35:39] You'd have to wait over a century to see that film.

Stuart Wellington

[35:43] Yeah.

[35:43] So, yeah, they had to go see the tin ball, and then they had to do their reaction podcast where they talk about seeing the tin ball.

[35:49] Tin ball.

Elliott Kalan

[35:50] Today I'm here to review the tin ball that rolled through town.

[35:53] Yeah, it was pretty good.

[35:54] It was big.

[35:54] It was made out of tin.

[35:55] I think I'll probably vote for William Henry Harrison, you know, tippy canoe and all that.

[35:58] So here's the thing about this circus act that I want to mention.

[36:01] I don't understand this audience.

[36:02] So the audience, they see a trick that's not that amazing.

[36:06] He shoots confetti out of a gun, and everyone goes, ooh.

[36:10] And then the cat points his finger at something, and it explodes as if he shot it.

[36:16] And the audience goes, boo.

[36:18] It does not make any sense.

[36:20] That should be the opposite reactions.

[36:22] The first trick, who cares?

[36:23] The second one, that's a great trick, and they do not like it.

[36:26] Yeah.

[36:27] I would run screaming out of the tent that I knew that that cat could possibly just explode things with his finger.

[36:32] Amazing.

Dan McCoy

[36:33] Well, also, again, combining a talking horse and a talking puppet on the same bill, to me, dilutes the impact of both.

[36:43] Maybe I just called it the talking animal show.

Stuart Wellington

[36:44] That's probably why Tybalt doesn't talk during the show, right?

Elliott Kalan

[36:48] No, it would be.

[36:49] It's true.

[36:49] He only acts as a regular horse.

[36:51] He does not talk during the performance.

[36:53] He's like Teller that way.

[36:56] So it was called Pinocchio and Tybalt, and they would show how magic tricks were done, but Tybalt would refuse to speak during the show.

Stuart Wellington

[37:02] Yeah.

[37:03] Now, Pinocchio obviously is a huge hit.

[37:06] Papa Giaffo's like, hey, you got to travel the world with me.

[37:08] And Pinocchio's like, I'm fucking down to clown.

[37:11] Let's do that shit.

[37:12] And Tybalt's like, not so fast.

[37:14] And Pinocchio's like-

[37:14] We have a clown.

[37:15] He's eternally going around slowly on a unicycle.

[37:18] And Pinocchio's like-

[37:18] And he's sad, so he's always down.

[37:21] The only way that Pinocchio's able to convince Tybalt to let him go on this world tour of being in a circus is he has to have Tybalt agree to be his father.

[37:36] Tybalt is his new father, which was a weird turn of events, but not as weird as you would think.

Elliott Kalan

[37:41] I would say this is my favorite aspect of the movie is that he goes, what about your father?

[37:45] Pinocchio says, well, why don't you stand in as my father?

[37:47] And he goes, okay, Tybalt's really flattered to be asked to do this.

[37:50] And throughout the movie-

[37:51] It's like a rehearsal.

[37:53] Throughout the movie, Pinocchio refers to Tybalt as dad.

[37:56] And then later on when Tybalt is not letting him do things, he goes, come on, dad.

[37:59] Aren't I supposed to learn courage?

[38:01] And I love the idea of Pinocchio badgering his talking horse to let him do the things that he wants.

[38:07] He's bullying him into being a dad that lets him to do things.

Dan McCoy

[38:10] I also wonder if this is maybe part of the semi-ironic gay embrace of this movie because-

[38:17] He keeps saying daddy.

[38:19] Well, yeah, Pinocchio's like, the movie tries to make it seem like he's interested in Bella,

[38:26] but there doesn't seem to be any sparks there.

[38:29] Whereas like-

[38:30] I hope that he's made of wood.

Elliott Kalan

[38:31] It could be very dangerous for him.

Dan McCoy

[38:33] It feels like this daddy thing with the horse is like-

[38:37] Central relationship.

[38:38] A kink relationship, maybe.

[38:40] Who knows?

Elliott Kalan

[38:40] I don't know about that.

[38:41] But then again, it's a true story.

[38:42] So they're sticking close to the actual relationship between Pinocchio and Tybalt.

[38:46] And historians have been, you know, rumoring about it for years, about what was really going on between the two of them.

[38:52] Yeah.

[38:52] And let me say, I'm not-

Dan McCoy

[38:53] I'm not-

[38:54] I want to say I'm not playing into the dumb conservative idea.

[38:59] Like, well, if someone's gay, then maybe they'll be into sex with horses.

[39:05] Like, I apologize if there's any chance that it comes off as that.

[39:10] I'm just referring to these two fantasy characters.

Elliott Kalan

[39:13] Dan is in no way equating being gay with bestiality.

[39:18] He is only saying that in this specific relationship, it is a gay bestiality relationship between Pinocchio and Tybalt.

[39:25] That is not to-

[39:26] Thank you.

[39:26] That is not to, in any way, pass discursions on other same-sex relationships, which are, as we all agree, and this is me being sincere, not a joke, they are healthy, they are natural, they are normal.

[39:38] And if they are the relationship that is right for you, then they are beautiful.

[39:42] But Dan is just saying that in this one specific-

[39:44] It just happens to be a gay relationship-

[39:46] Fantasy-

[39:47] Between Pinocchio and the horse.

[39:49] Pinocchio adaptation.

Stuart Wellington

[39:50] Yeah.

[39:50] This is their particular relationship.

[39:53] Now, you had mentioned-

[39:54] You guys had mentioned Bella earlier, and this is her time to shine.

[39:57] She does a little tightrope walk thing and sings a song about, like, being herself or something.

[40:02] It's very pink from The Greatest Showman.

[40:05] Yeah, she sings about-

Elliott Kalan

[40:06] So few people know the thrill of performing like this and being in the stars or something.

[40:11] This is her first shot.

[40:12] Mom's spaghetti, et cetera.

[40:14] Yeah, and she's not going to throw away her shot.

[40:17] Nope.

[40:17] And then the cat shoots a gun.

[40:19] Yeah, it's great.

Stuart Wellington

[40:21] And then we get a montage of-

[40:22] She's just like your country.

Elliott Kalan

[40:23] She makes a lot of big mistakes.

Stuart Wellington

[40:25] Mm-hmm.

[40:26] We get a montage of successful circus performances.

[40:30] This circus is hitting it off, and a lot of the posters now feature Bella and Pinocchio.

[40:35] What a team.

Elliott Kalan

[40:36] It seems strange that this pretty lackluster circus, their whole fortunes would be turned around

[40:42] by what's essentially just a boy doing horse tricks.

[40:45] But, hey, it's a true story.

[40:46] It happened.

[40:47] You know?

[40:47] Mm-hmm.

[40:47] Yeah.

[40:48] Maybe that's just what Russia needed at the time.

[40:50] Or wherever.

[40:50] They live in Italy.

[40:51] They don't live in Russia.

[40:51] They live in Italy.

[40:52] But that's what rural Italy needed at the time.

[40:55] It's a very Russian Italy.

[40:56] Yeah.

[40:56] Let's just say that.

[40:57] The same way that people look back at a lot of past- they look back at figures like Pauly

[41:02] Shore.

[41:02] And they say, how was that a success?

[41:04] How did he start in multiple movies?

[41:07] It's what America needed at the time.

Dan McCoy

[41:08] It was our hero for the time.

Elliott Kalan

[41:11] Yeah.

[41:11] So Pinocchio-

[41:12] You don't get the hero you deserve, but sometimes you get the hero you need.

Stuart Wellington

[41:15] Like with a lot of performers that have to perform in high-stress environments in close proximity,

[41:20] Pinocchio and Bella fall in love.

[41:23] And Tybalt tries to convince Pinocchio to make the first move, which, common fatherly thing

[41:29] to do.

[41:30] Pinocchio tries to, but Bella drives Pinocchio away for fear that her father will use him to

[41:36] commit crimes or something.

Elliott Kalan

[41:37] Yeah.

[41:38] It's not clear.

[41:38] I will say, so John Hader's performance as Tybalt, especially in this scene, this is

[41:42] when Tybalt is frustrated with everything that is said to him or going on around him.

[41:46] And he's constantly exasperated in a way that I did find unintentionally funny.

Dan McCoy

[41:51] I mean, I think that that's kind of John Hader's note.

[41:55] Yes, that's true.

[41:56] Exasperated.

[41:56] That's fair.

[41:57] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[41:59] Pinocchio learns from the cat and the fox that there's a magic fairy who can turn him into

[42:03] a real boy.

[42:04] So he's like, maybe if I turn into a real boy, Bella will love me.

[42:08] So Pinocchio and Tybalt set off on an adventure.

[42:13] The end.

Elliott Kalan

[42:14] Ha!

[42:14] Just kidding.

[42:15] We got plenty of movie left.

[42:16] I think it was the clown that told him about the fairy, right?

[42:19] Oh, yeah.

[42:20] I think you're right.

[42:20] Because it leads up to, this is in the IMDb quotes section.

[42:23] This is one of my favorite lines in the movie as expressed exasperatedly by John Hader

[42:27] as Tybalt.

[42:28] So one clown said something and then another clown said something, but the real clown here is

[42:33] you, Pinocchio, because you believe them.

[42:37] Put that on an inspirational poster.

[42:40] Yeah.

[42:40] Sample it.

[42:41] Yeah.

[42:42] Put it on a piece of driftwood in three or four different fonts.

Stuart Wellington

[42:45] Yeah.

[42:45] So while they're on the road, the fox and cat dress up, put on this show to try and trick

[42:52] Pinocchio and Tybalt into giving them their five gold coins.

[42:56] When the trick doesn't work, they try and rob them.

[42:59] Was this the first mention of five gold coins?

Elliott Kalan

[43:01] Yes.

[43:01] I think so.

[43:02] Yes.

[43:03] Because Tybalt's like, what are we going to do?

[43:05] We don't have money.

[43:06] And Pinocchio goes, don't you remember we have five gold coins?

[43:09] And I was like, did I miss the five gold coins?

[43:11] Like he says it like it's a big thing we heard about before, but I guess it's not.

Stuart Wellington

[43:15] So they're about to give up when they find Lucilda's magic mountain.

[43:21] Caro, Lucilda's parrot, shows up and tries to scare them off by causing a rock slide, but

[43:27] they outrun the rock slide and jump over a closed gate.

Elliott Kalan

[43:30] So I'm sorry, I didn't interrupt again.

[43:32] They already think there's evil spirits there because when the clown is telling him about

[43:35] Lucilda's mountain, he has a line that I have to assume was a translation issue where the

[43:40] clown says something like, but be careful because her path is evil spirits.

[43:46] And I had to rewind it and watch again.

[43:48] I think there's a word missing there.

[43:49] I think it was meant to be like haunted by evil spirits or protected by evil spirits.

[43:53] Yeah.

[43:53] Yeah, but it doesn't.

Dan McCoy

[43:55] So I got to say too, this is the part of the movie, like some of this is going to be a

[43:59] thrilling surprise to me because this is where the movie, like my brain really started to

Stuart Wellington

[44:03] reject the film that I was watching.

[44:07] So they, uh, they find Lucilda's, uh, I guess like castle or whatever.

[44:12] Um, and she turns them away.

[44:15] She, uh, she says that she can't turn Pinocchio into a real boy.

[44:19] And then after they leave, she's like, of course, in order to be human.

[44:23] You just have to be human.

[44:25] And I was like, what the fuck?

[44:27] Can you have to like believe you're human?

Dan McCoy

[44:28] Like, like, like all it takes to be human is to think you're human.

[44:32] And I'm like, what?

Elliott Kalan

[44:33] Yeah.

[44:33] I'd like to act to, if you're a humane, then you'll be, it's, but it's the parrot is

[44:37] like, why didn't you turn him back into a boy?

[44:38] And she's like, eh, it wasn't the right time.

[44:40] And it, it reminds me so much of the wizard of Oz, a movie I love.

[44:44] But at the end when Glinda's like, well, you could have gone home this whole time.

[44:47] And I wish Dorothy had been like, yeah, maybe if you told me, how was I supposed to

[44:52] know, good looking out Glinda.

[44:54] I come from Kansas, dude.

[44:55] We don't have magic shoes there.

[44:57] I don't know how they work.

[44:58] So I never knew that if you click the heels three, three times that you instantly operate

[45:02] the go home backup fail safe.

[45:04] You got to look, it's the same, the same way when you go to, um, it reminds me when you

[45:08] go to airport security and every airport has a different way of doing security.

[45:11] Like whether you put shoes on the conveyor belt, but the people there think that theirs

[45:15] is the only way.

[45:15] So if you put your shoes in a bin, they're like shoes on the belt.

[45:18] Like you're a moron who's done the stupidest thing in the world.

[45:21] Or when you go to a fancy restaurant, they're like, have you ever dined with us before?

Stuart Wellington

[45:24] I'm like, you're a restaurant, right?

[45:25] It's not going to be like, you're not going to like pour the soup on my head or something.

[45:29] Right?

Dan McCoy

[45:29] Yeah.

[45:29] It's not Glinda the good witch.

[45:31] It's Glinda the laissez-faire witch.

[45:33] Yeah.

[45:34] You figure it out by yourself, Dorothy.

[45:37] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[45:38] Take a look at the mirror.

[45:39] Glinda the good, but not great witch.

[45:41] Yeah.

[45:41] So Pinocchio overhears Detective Brioni that Detective Brioni is telling his constables

[45:51] that they want Pinocchio on suspension of burglary.

[45:55] He believes that Pinocchio, because he's the star of the circus, is the ringleader, which

[46:00] is weird because there's already a ringleader.

[46:02] There's a ringleader of this circus crime gang.

[46:06] This is the first time we learned there's been crimes actually committed.

[46:09] Yes.

[46:10] Yeah.

[46:10] Then Pinocchio and Tybalt have an argument.

[46:13] It is very much the Shrek donkey argument.

[46:16] It is no different.

[46:18] Don't worry.

[46:18] They're going to get back together.

[46:19] But they walk off in opposite directions.

[46:21] Walk off in opposite directions, which is a perfect opportunity for Pinocchio to get captured

[46:25] by Detective Brioni.

[46:27] But then before anything bad happens, unless you consider Brioni's handkerchief being stuffed

Dan McCoy

[46:32] in his mouth, before anything else bad happens.

[46:34] It depends on how dirty the handkerchief is.

Elliott Kalan

[46:36] Yeah, that's true.

[46:36] It is monogrammed.

[46:38] There's no situation where you want a handkerchief non-consensually stuffed in your mouth.

Dan McCoy

[46:41] True, true.

[46:42] But like, if it's been heavily used, it's a different situation, whether it's freshly laundered.

Elliott Kalan

[46:48] Oh, look at Brioni.

[46:49] You know he's just pouring snot into that thing.

[46:52] There's no way he's a gentleman about it.

[46:54] Yeah, he's like a character from Midnight's Children.

Stuart Wellington

[46:59] So he works at a pickle factory?

[47:02] Yep.

[47:03] So Tybalt shows up and saves him by kicking all the comps into a tree.

[47:09] It's very exciting.

[47:09] Then they leave.

[47:12] Tybalt then decides to go.

[47:14] They split up again.

[47:15] Tybalt says that he has some kind of mystery project to go on.

[47:18] But Pinocchio should wait here.

[47:20] Pinocchio immediately disobeys that, disobeys his horse father to go warn Bella.

[47:24] Very realistic boy behavior.

Elliott Kalan

[47:26] Very realistic boy his age behavior to immediately run off when his horse father tells him, stay right here.

[47:32] Horse fathers.

[47:33] Starring the Marx Brothers.

Stuart Wellington

[47:36] As soon as Pinocchio is separated from Tybalt, he is again captured, this time by Mangio Fiocco, and gets thrown into a cell along with his actual father, Geppetto, who had gone looking for Pinocchio and then had gotten captured by Papa Giaffo, a.k.a. Mangio Fiocco.

[47:55] What is this, an Altman movie?

[47:56] So many characters to follow.

[47:58] Mangio Fiocco demands Geppetto create him an army of wooden boys.

[48:04] Okay.

[48:06] Geppetto's like, well, they won't be alive.

[48:08] And he's like, you better make them alive.

[48:12] Tybalt then runs into Bella while on his secret mission, and he learns the situation.

[48:18] And he's also like super mean to her as if it's her fault.

[48:21] It's really weird.

[48:22] But then he sees that she's got a matching handkerchief to the one that was stuffed in Pinocchio's mouth.

[48:28] How's that going to all play together?

[48:31] Tybalt comes up with a scheme with the rest of the circus troupe.

[48:34] In the middle of the circus performance, because, of course, the show must go on, right?

[48:37] That's what they say, right, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[48:39] They do say that, some of them.

Stuart Wellington

[48:41] In the middle of the performance, all of a sudden they sing.

[48:44] All the performers who are not the two henchmen and Papa Giaffo sing a song explaining Mangio Fiocco's thieving and establishing their innocence.

[48:54] The song does not rhyme.

Dan McCoy

[48:56] Yeah.

[48:57] I mean, I guess this is the way that they're like imparting the information without drawing attention to themselves.

Elliott Kalan

[49:04] I mean, but they're literally performing in the middle of a circus.

Dan McCoy

[49:07] Singing.

[49:07] Like they could.

[49:08] They're drawing so much attention.

[49:09] They could just as easily just whisper it to a police officer if they're afraid of being caught.

Stuart Wellington

[49:15] No, but I think they know what they're doing.

[49:17] They want to publicly humiliate Mangio Fiocco.

[49:18] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[49:19] And it's the thing where if everyone knows publicly and everyone knows they said it, then if anything happens to them, everyone will know who the culprit was.

Dan McCoy

[49:27] Okay, I've changed my entire opinion of the film.

Elliott Kalan

[49:30] Yeah.

[49:30] So then in the.

[49:32] It's a tightly wound puzzle box.

[49:34] In the ensuing chaos.

[49:35] Repeated viewings.

Stuart Wellington

[49:37] In the ensuing chaos, Mangio Fiocco starts a fire.

[49:41] Pinocchio is trapped in the burning tent.

[49:43] Uh-oh.

[49:44] But Tybalt saves him.

[49:45] And then Bella kisses him, which transforms him into a real boy.

[49:49] Uh, Brioni then apologizes.

[49:51] Lucilda shows up to remind Pinocchio that she told him how to be a real boy the whole time.

[49:55] And you're like, what?

[49:56] Uh, and then there's a big reveal that Bella is actually Detective Brioni's missing daughter purchased by Mangio Fiocco from the kidnappers.

[50:04] And then, uh, he gives up his life as a police officer to run a circus, which I think is a win.

[50:10] That's a W, right?

[50:12] I guess so.

[50:13] Yeah.

[50:14] Is that the end?

Elliott Kalan

[50:16] That's the end.

[50:16] We did it.

[50:17] Okay.

[50:17] Because that's the point of which.

[50:18] It's a true story.

[50:18] You can't add any other stuff.

Dan McCoy

[50:20] I also, like, I was watching this.

[50:21] I was so tired.

[50:22] And then as soon as the first credit rolled, my brain said, well, you're off the clock.

[50:26] And I fell asleep.

Elliott Kalan

[50:30] I mean, if anything, Dan, that's better than some other movies where you fall asleep during the film.

[50:34] No, I know, I know.

[50:34] Before the credits are all.

[50:35] Yeah.

[50:35] Um, so.

[50:36] So what you're saying is Pinocchio, a true story really captured your attention and kept you.

Dan McCoy

[50:40] Yeah.

[50:40] I guess.

[50:41] Well, I mean, yeah.

[50:42] More than, what was it?

[50:44] Robocop was one of them?

[50:45] Anyway.

[50:45] Yeah.

[50:46] Yeah.

[50:46] So, but I was sick.

[50:48] Ironic, really.

[50:49] Um, hey, is this a, this is where we do final judgments, whether this is a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie we kind of liked.

[50:56] I will say this is a, a bad, bad movie.

[51:00] Uh, there is so little to it.

[51:03] All of the characters' dialogue is basically just sort of explaining the next thing that they're going to do, uh, in the least, with the least energy that you can imagine.

[51:16] And no one has any particular character motivation, really.

[51:20] Like, unlike in other versions of Pinocchio, Pinocchio doesn't seem to care about being a real boy.

[51:24] He just wants to see the world, and he does that so early in the film that he just seems like such a passive protagonist to me.

[51:32] And everyone else in it seems pretty passive as well.

[51:35] And I would recommend maybe looking up little clips of this on, on the internet, because Pauly Shore's vocal performance is bizarre to see coming out of Pinocchio.

[51:47] But, I don't know, just watch the trailer.

[51:49] You'll probably get enough of it.

[51:51] The trailer really gives you the full effect.

[51:54] Yeah.

[51:54] That's what I have to say.

[51:56] What do you guys have to say?

Stuart Wellington

[51:57] Uh, I might say, I would say this is, uh, close to a good, bad movie.

[52:02] It's, uh, I mean, it is full of very silly line readings.

[52:07] The animation is terrible.

[52:09] Uh, it doesn't make a ton of sense.

[52:10] It isn't, it is over 90 minutes, which feels like a shame.

[52:14] Like, trim it down.

[52:16] Follow Amity Villain Space's model, please.

[52:18] To 12 minutes.

[52:19] To type 12.

[52:21] Uh, yeah, you might get more out of just the trailer.

[52:23] But there, it is very dumb and silly.

[52:25] So, if you're doing, like, a bad movie night and you like watching bad animated movies, I think this one's, uh, right up your alley.

Elliott Kalan

[52:31] Yeah, I think I agree with Stu and Dan both.

[52:33] I think it's kind of on the, on the borderline.

[52:34] If you're watching this on your own, please, God, don't.

[52:37] It's, uh, it's, it's a bad, bad movie.

[52:39] But if you want to watch a very, uh, uh, short-ish, uh, animated film that is not good and laugh at it, uh, this is going to be less painful than, say, like, Food Fight, which is a, which is a, you know, like, throwing dirt in your eyes, you know.

Dan McCoy

[52:54] But Food Fight is consistently wild.

[52:58] That's true.

[52:58] Like, there's so much strange to, like, this is.

[53:01] Put that on the fucking box.

[53:02] Yeah, this is a.

[53:03] Such a nothing of film.

Elliott Kalan

[53:04] It's such a low-energy story.

[53:05] It's a very low-energy story.

[53:06] And I have to admit, my, uh, my younger son has recently become very obsessed with the original Disney Pinocchio, the 1940s one.

[53:15] And so we've been watching that a lot at our house.

[53:17] And it is such a gorgeous movie.

[53:19] Like, the animation is so beautiful in it.

[53:21] And it has such real, it's such an intense movie.

[53:24] So to, so to be watching that movie at the same time watching this one, that movie is so intense and so, like, vivid and scary.

[53:32] And this one is, and has funny parts.

[53:35] And this movie is just kind of like, it feels like they're, they were waiting for people to fill in the stuff.

[53:39] Like, they're, this is, this is the earliest draft where they put the, the funny things and the scary things in.

[53:44] But, uh, that it's, it just really, yeah, it's like just a real nothing of a movie.

[53:48] So I would say also watch the, watch the trailer if you have any interest in it.

[53:52] And you'll pretty much get it.

[53:53] Yeah.

[53:53] Oh my gosh.

S4

[53:58] Hi.

[53:59] I'm Dave Holmes, host of the pop culture trivia podcast, Troubled Waters.

[54:03] On Troubled Waters, we play games like motivational speeches.

[54:07] It goes a little like this.

[54:08] Riley, give us an improvised motivational speech.

[54:11] Why people should listen and subscribe to Troubled Waters.

Stuart Wellington

[54:14] I look around this ad and I see a lot of potential to listen to comedians such as Jackie Johnson and Josh Dondelman.

[54:22] And they need you to get out there and listen to them attempt to figure out sound rebus clues or determine if something is a Game of Thrones character or a city in Wales.

S4

[54:32] I have chills.

[54:33] I'm going to give you 15 points.

[54:35] All that and so much more on Troubled Waters.

[54:37] Find it on MaximumFun.org or wherever you choose to listen to podcasts.

Elliott Kalan

[54:42] Hey there, beautiful people.

[54:44] I'm Travelle Anderson.

Stuart Wellington

[54:45] And I'm Jared Hill.

Dan McCoy

[54:46] We are the hosts of Fanta, the show where we have complex and complicado conversations about the gray areas in our lives.

[54:54] The things that we really, really love sometimes, but also have some problematic feelings about.

Elliott Kalan

[55:00] Yes, we get into it all.

[55:02] You want to know our thoughts about Nicki Minaj and all her foolishness?

[55:05] We got you.

[55:05] You want to know our thoughts about gentrification and perhaps some positive?

[55:09] Question mark?

[55:10] Uh-oh.

[55:10] Aspects of gentrification?

[55:12] We get into that too.

[55:14] Every single Thursday, you can check us out at MaximumFun.org.

[55:18] Listen, you know you want it, honey, so come on and get it.

[55:22] Period.

Dan McCoy

[55:23] Let us move along to our sponsors.

[55:30] The Flophouse is sponsored overwhelmingly by the kind givings of our members who give to MaximumFun.org.

[55:40] And their leavings.

[55:40] The givings and their leavings.

[55:42] Yeah.

[55:43] Please don't send us any leavings.

[55:47] But we also have a few other sponsors.

[55:51] One of them this week is Squarespace.

[55:54] It's the all-in-one platform for building your brand and growing your business online.

[55:59] You can stand out with a beautiful website, engage with your audience, and sell anything, your products, content you create, content you create even, and even your time.

[56:10] And yeah, I've used Squarespace.

[56:13] I made my own website with it.

[56:15] I found it very easy to use.

[56:17] You can stand out in any inbox with Squarespace email campaigns, collect email subscribers, and convert them into loyal customers.

[56:24] Use insights to grow your business.

[56:26] Learn where your site visits and sales are coming from, and analyze which channels are the most effective.

[56:32] Sell your products on an online store.

[56:35] Whether you sell physical or digital products, Squarespace has the tools you need to start selling online.

[56:42] So why not go to squarespace.com slash flop for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, use offer code flop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Stuart Wellington

[56:56] And now we have a Jumbotron read by me, friend of the Flophouse, Werner Herzog.

[57:02] Yeah, yippee.

[57:04] Oh, hello.

[57:05] So happy 40th birthday to a great Werner Herzog aficionado, X-Files connoisseur, and biggest Jurassic Park fan there is.

[57:14] Thank you for five years of unconditional love and support.

[57:18] Also, I never would have discovered MaxFun and the Flophouse without you, so hooray!

[57:23] Let's make pretty new animal friends on our walks together.

[57:28] Schön, dass es dich gibt.

[57:30] This is Frau Nibel vom Ahn.

[57:34] Oh, danke.

[57:35] So, so schön.

[57:38] Hey, it's me, Stuart.

[57:39] Wow, Werner Herzog was just here reading a great message.

[57:41] That was amazing how we managed to get him.

[57:44] You know, it's a Jumbotron.

[57:46] He'll do anything for a buck.

Elliott Kalan

[57:49] Do you have any Jack Richers for me to be in?

[57:53] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[57:54] I hate that Jack Richer.

[57:55] He's such a jerk.

Elliott Kalan

[58:01] Pardon my French, Jack.

[58:02] Pardon my Deutsch, Jack Richer, but you're a real ein bozo.

[58:07] Hey, guys.

[58:08] Before we move on, I just want to say I have something to promote.

[58:10] Boom.

[58:10] This episode of the Flophouse is not sponsored by me, but I'm saying it anyway.

[58:15] As you may know, I have a hit comic book series from Aftershock Comics.

[58:18] What?

[58:19] It's called Maniac of New York, Volume 1, The Death Train, and Volume 2, The Bronx is Burning, are available in collected forms now on comic book store shelves.

[58:27] And it was just announced this week.

[58:29] I'm doing volume three.

[58:31] That's right.

[58:31] December 7th will be the first issue of The Maniac of New York.

[58:34] Don't call it a comeback.

[58:35] The third volume in the Maniac of New York series.

[58:39] All your favorite characters are back.

[58:40] The Maniac, Gina Green, Zelda Pettibone, Mayor DiManzio, Lena Petrella.

[58:44] All your favorites.

Dan McCoy

[58:45] But Elliot.

[58:46] Yes.

[58:47] Surely the Maniac can't return.

Elliott Kalan

[58:50] Why is that, Dan?

[58:51] Is it because Gina Green burned him to a crisp and then stabbed him to the face with his own blade at the end of Maniac of New York Bronx is Burning?

[58:57] Spoiler alert.

Dan McCoy

[58:58] Well, yeah.

[58:59] I didn't want to give spoilers, but it seemed like such a definitive end for a Maniac.

Elliott Kalan

[59:04] Well, yeah.

[59:05] Then perhaps you'll be surprised by the threat in Maniac of New York.

[59:08] Don't call it a comeback.

[59:09] Dan, don't call it a comeback.

[59:10] He's always been here, which is the scary part.

[59:12] But you'll find out.

[59:13] I think you'll be a little surprised and a little intrigued by what happens and who the new question mark threat is.

Dan McCoy

[59:19] You may have heard some noise in the background.

[59:22] I just want to say that's because Stuart – we were vamping while Stuart cleverly tried to sneak out to get himself, I guess, some seltzer.

[59:33] A floor seltzer.

[59:34] Which he then immediately dropped all over the floor and cleaning up behind me.

Stuart Wellington

[59:42] My character trait is clumsy.

Dan McCoy

[59:45] Yeah, look how old the can.

[59:48] Old thing is –

[59:48] You managed to –

[59:50] So, yeah, Dan.

[59:50] But you know what?

Elliott Kalan

[59:51] I can't see it from where the camera is.

[59:53] So can you give me – paint me a word picture of this mess of seltzer.

[59:56] This is all going on the podcast.

Dan McCoy

[59:57] Well, yeah, it is.

[59:58] It's a pink grapefruit seltzer.

[1:00:02] It's a Schweppes brand.

[1:00:04] Get out of Schweppes for sponsoring.

[1:00:06] It's all over everything.

[1:00:07] He dropped it all.

[1:00:08] He came back in.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:08] I mean, it's rare that we break news live on the podcast.

[1:00:12] So, yeah, tell us more.

[1:00:13] Tell us more.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:13] He came back in with the paper towels and the paper towel holder, which he also immediately dropped on the floor, along with my Criterion edition of Miller's Crossing, a Joel and Ethan Coen film.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:28] The fans are not going to like it when I say this, but of all the Coen Brothers Criterions to drop, that's the one I would drop on the seltzer, too.

[1:00:34] Really?

[1:00:35] It's just not my favorite.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:36] I never connected to it.

[1:00:37] One of my favorites.

[1:00:38] I think it was not one that I liked initially, but grows more for me every time.

[1:00:44] But now the floor, at least, is very clean because we all know the cleaning powers of seltzer.

[1:00:51] I mean, usually –

[1:00:52] And the soaking up abilities of the Miller's Crossing Criterion DVD.

[1:00:55] Oh, fuck.

[1:00:55] What did I miss?

[1:00:57] I want to issue a correction, rather.

[1:01:01] He had had a pink grapefruit earlier, but the one he dropped was a black cherry seltzer.

[1:01:06] Yeah, I guess that's a harsh review.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:10] A harsh review of Stuart's ability to carry drinks, which is not great since that's part of his profession.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:15] Part of my profession.

[1:01:16] So, just to pull back the curtain, I worked last night.

[1:01:21] I did a night shift last night.

[1:01:23] I don't work nights very often anymore.

[1:01:24] So, I worked until 4 a.m., and I didn't get much sleep, and I am not doing well, guys.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:31] And that happened to be on the day that we're doing our earliest recording in a long while.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:35] Because of some family stuff I had.

[1:01:37] But, Stu, you're doing great.

[1:01:38] You did a great summary.

[1:01:40] And, Dan, you're doing great, too.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:41] Yeah, I mean, obviously, it's nice for you to say, I'm going to have to wait until next week to hear how I did on the peach pit.

[1:01:49] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:51] I feel like they won't be quite as kind as you.

[1:01:54] Who's giving you that review?

[1:01:55] Is it yourself as the host of that?

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:58] And whatever hot guests I managed to yoke in there.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:03] Let's move on to letters, which are from listeners.

[1:02:07] We've been using letters this whole time, Dan, to create the words we're speaking.

[1:02:11] That's true.

[1:02:12] We're soaking in it.

[1:02:13] But this first letter is from…

[1:02:15] You're soaking in seltzer, I believe.

[1:02:17] That's true.

[1:02:17] This first letter is from Sarah, who writes,

[1:02:20] Hey, Peaches.

[1:02:22] I come to you with a dire warning.

[1:02:24] Do not be tempted by the siren song, or rather, siren's movie poster of Noah's shark.

[1:02:30] I love shark movies, good and bad.

[1:02:33] And my good friend recently suggested I choose one to watch that we hadn't seen.

[1:02:37] I cast a wide net into the sea of streaming movies.

[1:02:40] And when I saw the title and the premise, I chose Noah's shark.

[1:02:44] Nora's shark about a little girl and the shark she comes to love.

[1:02:48] Nora sharkron.

[1:02:51] Sharkron?

[1:02:52] Anyway.

[1:02:53] Nick and Nora's shark.

[1:02:55] My dudes.

[1:02:56] While there are indeed some charmingly bad effects they don't make up for the fact the premise is never delivered upon,

[1:03:01] it's just some priest dude wandering through the woods looking for evidence of the arc.

[1:03:07] Nary a shark versus elephant, shark versus lion, or shark team-up match with Noah is even hinted at.

[1:03:13] Anywho, if you ever had to stock a boat with two of each type of animal movie, which would you pick?

[1:03:19] I guess since there's a gajillion species, maybe each pick one animal as an example?

[1:03:25] Thanks and be well.

[1:03:27] Sarah, as a cat fan, a cat fancier, if you will.

[1:03:32] Sure.

[1:03:35] I'm going to stake a claim to Cats and the Cat.

[1:03:40] A beautiful double feature.

[1:03:41] One with horrific post-apocalyptic cat human singers and one where a puppet cat fights an alien who's going to do bad things to the world.

[1:03:56] And a dog who is awesome.

[1:03:57] It was a good dog.

[1:03:58] Good dog.

[1:03:59] Okay, so you got a bonus dog in there along with the two cats.

[1:04:03] Do you guys have answers for this?

[1:04:05] Two of an animal movie?

[1:04:07] Sure, yeah, yeah.

[1:04:08] To stock the arc?

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:09] Fuck it, why not?

[1:04:10] I'll be doing alligators, so I'll do Lake Placid and Gator starring, what, Burt Reynolds?

[1:04:16] No crawl?

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:17] I don't think there's an actual alligator in Gator, is there?

[1:04:20] Uh, what?

[1:04:22] Uh, crawl rules too, sorry.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:27] Uh, actually, I might swap out Lake Placid for crawl.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:30] Yeah.

[1:04:31] Not crawl.

[1:04:31] Gator stays in.

[1:04:32] Not crawl.

[1:04:33] Which, again, is no alligators, just like gator, I believe.

[1:04:35] But, maybe gator has a gator in it.

[1:04:37] Okay.

[1:04:38] Burt Reynolds is sort of the gator of a man.

[1:04:41] Yeah.

[1:04:41] R.I.P. to a real one.

[1:04:43] I was thinking about, I was thinking about the kinds of animals that didn't make it onto the arc, and I wish they had.

[1:04:48] So, I was thinking about dragons, which, of course, like dinosaurs went extinct because they couldn't fit on the arc and therefore drowned during the deluge.

[1:04:55] Too chonky.

[1:04:56] Yeah.

[1:04:57] Noah said, Noah had a sign that said, you must be less chonky than this to get on the arc.

[1:05:03] And the elephants were like, phew, just made it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:06] That's just a picture of Godzilla 2000.

[1:05:10] The least chonky of the Godzillas.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:14] And so, yeah, that really was the least chonky of the Godzillas.

[1:05:17] Yeah, it's such a bummer.

[1:05:19] And you know what?

[1:05:20] I hate to size shame anybody.

[1:05:22] The new Godzilla, long-time listeners know I find a little too chonky.

[1:05:25] But it's probably just because he has that stubby face.

[1:05:28] But the Emmerich Devlin Godzilla, wait, too thin, too thin, dangerously unthin, unhealthy, a bad role model for young monsters everywhere.

[1:05:36] But modern Godzilla can throw that shit back, baby.

[1:05:40] Stuart loves that thick Godzilla.

[1:05:42] The classic Godzilla, who I think is just the right size.

[1:05:45] So it's a real Goldilocks situation, or Godzilla locks.

[1:05:49] But the animal I was going to choose was, again, dragons.

[1:05:51] Dragons are an animal I wish had survived the flood, but as we all know, they didn't.

[1:05:55] That's why we just find their bones every now and then.

[1:05:57] And I would choose Dragonheart because you need a wise old dragon, voiced by Sean Connery.

[1:06:02] And Pete's dragon because you need a goofy screw-up dragon who's going to cause trouble.

[1:06:07] And two of them, I think, will equal one good dragon.

[1:06:10] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:11] That's Elliot's theory of dragon balance.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:14] And you pick Pete's dragon, of course, because the goofy screw-up dragon's name is Elliot, right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:19] Yeah, yeah.

[1:06:19] Well, I have to protect Elliot's.

[1:06:21] That's the way.

[1:06:21] That's why if there was a deluge, I would, of course, take Pete's dragon.

[1:06:24] I would take Elliot from E.T.

[1:06:25] I would take Elliot, the Michael Caine character from Hannah and Her Sisters.

[1:06:29] I would take Elliot, but not Beverly from Dead Ringers.

[1:06:34] And they're both Jeremy Irons.

[1:06:35] I only need one Jeremy Irons on the boat.

[1:06:37] And, you know, other Elliot's I would take on, too.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:40] Yeah.

[1:06:40] And this is an important point because a lot of people, of course, think that the name of the dragon in Pete's dragon is Pete.

[1:06:46] But, of course, Pete, it's possessive.

[1:06:50] Yeah.

[1:06:51] The dragon is not owned by Pete.

[1:06:53] It's not shortening.

[1:06:53] Because you can't own a dragon.

[1:06:54] But this is the dragon that Pete found.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:55] It's not shortening Pete is the dragon.

[1:06:58] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:58] Or his name Pete S. Dragon.

[1:07:00] That's not what it is.

[1:07:01] Yeah.

[1:07:01] And the S stands for Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:02] It's like in fucking Legend of Zelda.

[1:07:04] You're not Zelda, dude.

[1:07:05] You're Link.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:07] I had a very frustrating conversation about this very topic with John Hodgman recently that MaxFun contributors will find out about when our prisoner podcast, Be Potting You, comes out eventually.

[1:07:18] But, yeah, we had a long talk about that.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:21] I mean, it's possible he's just quoting a bit from – I wish I could remember her name.

[1:07:27] She's a very funny writer for Colbert.

[1:07:30] I think she might be the head writer now where she claims that Zelda is the hero.

[1:07:37] Sandy Bryce?

[1:07:37] Zelda's the boy.

[1:07:38] Yeah.

[1:07:38] It's a troll that she does for men on the internet.

[1:07:42] And it's pretty funny.

[1:07:44] I apologize for not recalling the name of that person who I have met and is very nice, but I can't recall.

[1:07:53] This next letter is –

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:54] And you're not going to try.

[1:07:55] And you're not going to do the research either.

[1:07:56] I could.

[1:07:57] I mean, it would just take time.

[1:07:58] We've got to keep moving with the flop.

[1:07:59] We already took a lot of time for the seltzer incident.

[1:08:02] We've got to keep going.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:03] Slow things down.

[1:08:04] But maybe I'll look it up and I'll bring it in later on while one of you guys are talking.

[1:08:09] Don't listen to us.

[1:08:12] Why would I start now?

[1:08:14] This is from Lawrence, last name withheld, who writes –

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:18] Lawrence, a person, or Lawrence, Kansas, the town?

Dan McCoy

[1:08:21] I can only assume the whole town got together to write this letter to us.

[1:08:26] It's a nice place.

[1:08:27] Ariel Dumas.

[1:08:28] That's the name, Ariel.

[1:08:29] Oh, yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:31] Stuart.

[1:08:33] Descendant, I have to assume, of the Dumas of Three Musketeers fame.

[1:08:36] One can only hope.

[1:08:38] Stuart, you –

[1:08:38] Candy bar fortune.

[1:08:41] Stuart, this is –

[1:08:42] It is a strange thing.

[1:08:44] I will say this.

[1:08:44] It is –

[1:08:45] How many candy bars are based on 19th century novels?

[1:08:47] Not that many.

[1:08:48] Man in the Iron Mask.

[1:08:50] And they stopped making the Oliver Twist licorice.

[1:08:53] The candy in the iron wrapper.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:54] Yep, the crackle in the iron mask.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:57] It's so hard to open that iron wrapper.

[1:08:58] That's why it went out of business.

[1:09:00] Of course, there's Mr. Goodbar based on looking for Mr. Goodbar, the Diane Keaton.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:05] It was a weird movie for them to do a candy tie-in.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:10] Stuart, you recently talked about wanting to host a show on Warhammer Plus.

[1:09:14] Yep.

[1:09:14] Is this the offer?

[1:09:15] How are you going to host –

[1:09:16] Is the godfather going to get made?

[1:09:18] How are you going to host a show on Warhammer Plus when you guys spent a whole show talking about a dude named Greasus,

[1:09:25] and you didn't once talk about Greasus Goldtooth or the Ogor Maw Tribes?

[1:09:31] Yep.

[1:09:31] You can't be missing T-balls like that and expect to be called up to the big leads.

[1:09:36] Regards, Lawrence.

[1:09:37] P.S.

[1:09:38] Stuart, please explain the adaptus mechanicus to Dan and Elliot until they make you stop.

[1:09:43] Can we make him stop before he starts?

[1:09:45] Is that –

[1:09:46] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:46] I mean, and I haven't even had a chance to talk about my personal Greasus Goldtooth story.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:52] Do that.

[1:09:53] So I remember when I was –

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:54] Why don't you do that instead of explaining anything about the –

[1:09:57] Give us the basics of –

[1:09:59] I'm intrigued by who Greasus Goldtooth is.

[1:10:01] At least just give us the basics of that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:03] So years ago when I was working for Games Workshop, I remember when they introduced the Ogre Kingdoms at the time,

[1:10:10] which has now become the Ogre Maw Tribes for Age of Sigmar,

[1:10:13] which was the first brand-new Warhammer Fantasy Army for a long time, and they were big boys.

[1:10:19] They were big, thick guys shaped like bowling pins.

[1:10:23] I loved them.

[1:10:24] I was so excited.

[1:10:25] I knew I was going to start an army.

[1:10:27] And because I worked for the company, I got a hold of some of the models early on,

[1:10:30] and Greasus Goldtooth was one of the first models I got to paint up for my shop's display cabinet,

[1:10:35] and it took fucking forever because Greasus Goldtooth, the richest of the tyrants,

[1:10:41] is this giant, very, very large ogre guy dripping in jewels and finery,

[1:10:47] and he's being carried around by a raft of little goblin guys called Knoblars,

[1:10:52] which are very Brian Froud goblin types, okay?

[1:10:56] I'm putting in words so you can visualize it.

[1:10:59] And it took me forever to paint this big boy.

[1:11:02] Oh, wow.

[1:11:03] I'm looking at it right now online.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:04] Yeah, that's a very detailed miniature.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:06] Yeah, there's a ton of details.

[1:11:07] So many gems and jewels and stuff I had to paint.

[1:11:10] And I painted that up for my shop's cabinet so that when it came time for me to paint one up for my own army,

[1:11:15] I was like, look this, and never got around to painting it.

[1:11:19] Instead, I focus on painting my limited edition store manager-only Brog Slave Lord model.

[1:11:24] Uh-oh, that's right.

[1:11:25] I have a very unique Warhammer miniature in my cabinet.

[1:11:28] Fully painted, baby.

[1:11:30] We'll tell that story another day.

[1:11:32] About the Adeptus Mechanicus.

[1:11:33] So, guys, the Adeptus Mechanicus are part of the—oh, wait.

[1:11:36] I'm running out of time.

[1:11:37] Okay, let's move on.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:38] I do have a question.

[1:11:39] When there's a valuable Warhammer model, is it more valuable unpainted mint, or is it more valuable if it's been painted?

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:45] It kind of depends.

[1:11:46] I think you can probably get a little more if it's completely unpainted.

[1:11:51] But if you put out like a fair—like if you can put a professional paint job on it, it can be very valuable.

[1:11:58] But I think—I feel like for something like that, if it's completely unpainted, especially new in box, it'll be worth more.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:03] I see.

[1:12:04] Okay, I'll remember that.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:05] Well, I'm sure that was pretty interesting.

[1:12:10] My brain shut down as soon as Warhammer—

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:12] Now, I have a question.

[1:12:13] How would you rate—and this might be dipping into waters we want to cut.

[1:12:19] How would you rate Grease's Goldtooth on the Rowling scale of anti-Semitic goblin stereotypes?

[1:12:24] Is it a full Rowling where it's very anti-Semitic, or is it a zero on that scale where it doesn't have—he's not obsessed with money.

[1:12:33] He doesn't have a long, hooked nose.

[1:12:35] He doesn't speak in an alien language that's ancient and no one can understand, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:39] It's tough.

[1:12:41] Warhammer is not known for having the best depictions of various things.

[1:12:46] Okay.

[1:12:47] I would say compared to one of my personal favorite old-timey Warhammer armies that has been since discontinued,

[1:12:54] the chaos dwarves who do have long, hooked noses and curly beards and are evil.

[1:13:02] Oh.

[1:13:02] And they keep the Sabbath on Saturday?

[1:13:04] Yes, they do.

[1:13:07] Yeah, I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:08] It's, you know, it's fucked up.

[1:13:10] That's good to know.

[1:13:11] I'm starting to—my children are starting to get into the types of culture where I need to explain things to them.

[1:13:16] And I think they're slowly making their way into the larger world where they realize that Jews are a small portion of humanity.

[1:13:24] So I'm trying to figure out how to tell them about it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:27] Charlene was saying that when she was growing up—and she'll yell at me when she hears this and I say it wrong—but the—she was saying that when she was growing up, she just kind of assumed that, like, growing up in Brooklyn, that, like, it was like the world was half Christians, half Jews.

[1:13:42] Yes, yeah.

[1:13:43] And it is obviously not the case.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:46] Especially when you're young and your family is the group of people that you spend the most time around, you're like, oh, yeah, there's a lot of Jews out there.

[1:13:51] There's one of my favorite stories from my wife's old job in New York.

[1:13:55] She worked at a Jewish day school.

[1:13:57] And she was talking—she was reading them a book about presidents that mentioned that there were no—there was only one Catholic president and there had been no Jewish or Muslim presidents.

[1:14:05] And she said, one of you in here, maybe you'll grow up to be the first Jewish president.

[1:14:09] And one of the kids went, Barack Obama's not Jewish?

[1:14:12] Like, they just—it had never occurred to them.

[1:14:15] Yeah.

[1:14:16] Amazing.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:17] Okay.

[1:14:17] So let us move on to the final segment in the show where we recommend movies that might be a better use of your time than tracking down this Russian Pauly Shore Pinocchio film.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:29] Here's one of the problems with the world we live in today, and it's a minor problem, but I'll say this.

[1:14:33] There are many great movies that are unavailable to stream right now.

[1:14:37] Major companies are making them unavailable to stream.

[1:14:40] They're removing them from their platforms.

[1:14:41] They are too expensive to license or whatever.

[1:14:43] But Pinocchio, a true story, is available on Amazon.

[1:14:47] Every home in the world, I think, has ready access to rent it, which is ridiculous.

[1:14:51] It's easy access to this kind of low-rent foreign crap.

[1:14:55] And I shouldn't say foreign.

[1:14:56] That's nativist of me.

[1:14:57] Yeah.

[1:14:57] But there's many great films in the history of cinema that you just cannot see unless you get hold of an aging, rotting VHS tape or a falling-apart film strip.

[1:15:08] Yeah.

[1:15:10] And that's the biggest problem in the world today.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:13] I mean, we sound like old cranks, but it's true.

[1:15:15] You know, don't – like, this is why physical media is still valuable.

[1:15:19] We're a movie podcast.

[1:15:19] We should be – we care about movies and shit.

[1:15:22] Yeah.

[1:15:22] That's why we do this for 15 years.

[1:15:24] Speaking of movies, I'd like to recommend a film that is new in theaters right now.

[1:15:29] It is called Barbarian.

[1:15:30] Oh, shit.

[1:15:31] Let me close my ears.

[1:15:31] I saw – well, no, I'm not going to say anything that will spoil anything because –

[1:15:34] Is there a Barbarian in it?

[1:15:36] Yeah, well –

[1:15:37] Shut up, dude.

[1:15:38] Shut up.

[1:15:38] Don't tell me anything.

[1:15:39] Don't tell me anything.

[1:15:40] The film is surprising on a number of levels and even that, like, when you hear that a film is surprising, that affects your experience of it too.

[1:15:49] So I don't want to say that much at all.

[1:15:52] But I found it consistently enjoyable, scary and funny by turns.

[1:16:01] It goes to some wild places, but the beauty of it is it's set up very methodically where everything along the way is done with a lot of patience and people making sensible choices for the most part rather than bad horror movie choices.

[1:16:22] And because it is so, like, well set up, the turns it does take later on, you know, work because we have been appropriately grounded.

[1:16:37] But also that grounding experience is not boring.

[1:16:40] It is tense and thrilling on its own.

[1:16:43] So I just really enjoyed it.

[1:16:45] If you like horror movies that are inventive, I think you should support this.

[1:16:53] If you like horror movies, like, look, I'm not a person who is turning on quote-unquote elevated horror necessarily.

[1:17:01] But I do think that that is a type of horror that people have figured out that's how you get critical acclaim.

[1:17:11] But this is a smart, well-made horror movie in a much earlier tradition, I think, of bizarre horror that I enjoyed.

[1:17:23] So if that's a thing that you like, I say go out and support it.

[1:17:27] I had a great time.

[1:17:28] And that's all I would say about it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:30] I'm going to recommend a movie that is available on Shudder.

[1:17:34] Big surprise.

[1:17:36] I'm going to recommend a movie called Saloom, which is this great, nice and short movie about a trio of mercenaries who are attempting to extract a drug trafficker from a city that is undergoing a coup.

[1:17:53] And they end up getting stuck in a part of Senegal.

[1:17:58] And they need to escape.

[1:18:01] And it ends up being super tense.

[1:18:04] There's some supernatural elements.

[1:18:07] But it all feels really grounded.

[1:18:08] And it's got some really good performances.

[1:18:15] And if you like a little bit of action movie and a little bit of horror stuff, it reminds me in parts of a little bit of a pitch black, a little bit of Attack the Block, especially in the monster design.

[1:18:33] It's really cool.

[1:18:34] So if you're looking for kind of a nice, slim, but impactful action horror movie, Saloom is great.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:43] And I'm going to recommend an old movie.

[1:18:46] What?

[1:18:46] It's not in theaters now.

[1:18:48] I recently – this is one that had been an old favorite of mine.

[1:18:51] I hadn't watched it in probably at least 10 or 15 years.

[1:18:55] I'm watching it recently, and that's The Lady Vanishes, the Alfred Hitchcock movie that essentially was one of the ones that got him noticed by Hollywood.

[1:19:05] And it's just such a fun kind of funny but suspenseful but just kind of like enjoyable little mystery thriller.

[1:19:16] And I don't want to say too much about the plot, but you may know that it involves a woman who is on a train.

[1:19:22] She befriends an old lady.

[1:19:23] Suddenly the old lady disappears, and everyone on the train, for their own selfish reasons mostly, refuses to admit that that old lady ever existed or that they ever saw her.

[1:19:32] And the young woman has to figure out what's going on.

[1:19:35] And I had forgotten that like the thriller elements don't start until very far into the movie.

[1:19:40] Like the first 20-some-odd or 30 minutes of the movie is just kind of like comedy at a small mountain hotel.

[1:19:46] And the characters kind of bumping into each other, but it's still really entertaining the whole time.

[1:19:51] And it's just a super satisfying kind of fluff of a movie.

[1:19:56] It's the kind of movie that I feel like something like Death on the Nile that we watched recently is trying – should be, wants to be.

[1:20:04] Something that is like entertaining kind of like – not silly to the point where you're like, I'm not buying into this, but silly to the point where you are not worried about the meaning of things and you're just having fun the whole time.

[1:20:16] And it's one of the best movies set on a train.

[1:20:18] People love trains.

[1:20:19] It's the most romantic way to travel.

[1:20:21] Right, Dan?

[1:20:22] Mm-hmm.

[1:20:22] I mean, our president loves trains.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:24] That's for sure.

[1:20:24] I was thinking like –

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:26] Celebrate the recent calling off of a possible Amtrak strike with The Lady Vanishes.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:31] I was thinking, man, was that the happiest Joe Biden has been as president where he's like, I get to resolve a train issue?

[1:20:39] Yeah, probably.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:40] I see.

[1:20:40] To be honest, I assumed it was the hardest thing that he was like, not you two trains.

[1:20:45] You two are going to make life difficult.

[1:20:47] You two, like, that he felt betrayed by.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:49] Yeah, I hear that if you go into the White House DVD collection, you're like,

[1:20:53] I don't see snakes on a plane anywhere, but they do have snakes on a train.

[1:20:58] Interesting choice.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:01] Well, that was a fun one despite it being about Pinocchio, a true story.

[1:21:07] And I like that.

[1:21:08] I feel like it took us 20 minutes to get to the summary.

[1:21:11] Yeah, which we then breezed through because there's not anything in it.

[1:21:15] But I had a good time.

[1:21:17] Thank you for watching with me.

[1:21:20] And thank you to our listeners for listening to us talk about it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:23] Dan, are you going to the Grey Havens?

[1:21:25] What's going on?

[1:21:25] I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:26] I'm just trying to be nice.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:30] Dan, if you go to the Grey Havens, you have to fucking tell me.

[1:21:32] It's going to tear me apart.

[1:21:33] Okay?

[1:21:34] I'll tell you ahead of time.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:36] Hey, listeners, before you go to the Grey Havens, go to iTunes and leave us a review to help spread the word about the show or tweet about it or just old-fashioned talk to someone in person.

[1:21:46] Tell them that you love this podcast.

[1:21:49] IRL.

[1:21:50] Maybe it'll help us a little.

[1:21:50] Or on TRL.

[1:21:52] You can follow the Flophouse Pod on Twitter and the Flophouse Podcast on Instagram.

[1:21:58] We also have a YouTube channel that I have to get back to.

[1:22:01] I was doing little clips from shows for a while, and then that kind of fell off as my life got busier again.

[1:22:07] But I will try to get back to it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:10] People, don't push Dan too much.

[1:22:12] He has a job.

[1:22:13] He's working.

[1:22:14] He needs to support himself.

[1:22:15] You'll get your extra Flophouse clips on YouTube.

[1:22:18] Thank you.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:19] We're a member of Maximum Fun.

[1:22:20] Go to Maximum Fun.

[1:22:21] Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:21] Dan's trying his best, okay?

[1:22:23] That kind of language is unacceptable.

[1:22:24] Stop.

[1:22:25] Yeah, calm down.

[1:22:25] Dan, don't take it personally.

[1:22:26] Calm down, sir.

[1:22:27] Sir, sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

[1:22:29] Sir.

[1:22:30] The episode's almost over.

[1:22:31] Sir, if you could just hold it in.

[1:22:32] Sir, sir, sir.

[1:22:34] Yes, you can talk to my manager.

[1:22:36] You know what?

[1:22:36] I'm the manager.

[1:22:37] Sir, sir.

[1:22:38] Okay, goodbye.

[1:22:38] You have to leave now.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:39] Wow, Elliot's a cooler.

[1:22:41] Did he know that?

[1:22:41] You know, maybe he's white-nighting me, but I don't care because I appreciate it.

[1:22:48] Sir, sir.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:49] Well, thank you, sir.

[1:22:50] That's very sweet of you.

[1:22:51] Sir.

[1:22:52] Sir, I had no idea.

[1:22:53] Oh, wow.

[1:22:54] Sir.

[1:22:54] Well.

[1:22:55] Sir.

[1:22:57] Sir.

[1:22:57] To sir with love.

[1:22:58] You should end the episode.

[1:22:59] This is getting too adult.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:00] All right.

[1:23:00] Well, go to MaximumFun.org.

[1:23:02] Check out all the other great MaxFun podcasts.

[1:23:04] Thank you to our producer, Alex Smith.

[1:23:05] Howell Dottie on Twitter.

[1:23:07] That is H-O-W-E-L-L-D-A-W-D-Y.

[1:23:13] See what he's up to.

[1:23:15] Thank you for listening to the Flophouse.

[1:23:17] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:23:18] I've been Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:19] I'm Elliot Galen, and this is Sir, and we've got some big news, guys.

[1:23:23] I'll tell you after the show.

[1:23:25] Okay.

[1:23:25] Whoa.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:26] Hey, Dan, I'm surprised we managed to go through the whole summary, and you didn't bring up

[1:23:29] those felonious goofs from the Pinocchio movie.

[1:23:33] Felonious goofs?

[1:23:34] Yeah, weren't there goofs that were like, oh, there's a ton of sex in this movie, or?

[1:23:39] Oh, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:40] Go to the IMDb page.

[1:23:41] Someone, they're not goofs.

[1:23:42] Someone had a little fun on the content warning section.

[1:23:47] Check it out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:48] I like that Stu.

[1:23:49] But you don't have to take my word for it.

[1:23:51] Go to your local library's computer and look it up.

[1:23:55] Look at the goofs.

[1:23:55] Stu was the one doing the summary, but apparently this was Dan's responsibility to bring up.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:59] Well, he brought it to our attention in the text thread.

[1:24:01] Guys, we were ending.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:03] We almost jumped off the train.

[1:24:05] Bye.

[1:24:07] Bye.

[1:24:09] You know, sometimes I find, and it seems like Stuart might be in this state, I find that

[1:24:13] if I get less sleep, I'm temporarily in a much better mood than normal.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:18] Oh, interesting.

[1:24:19] And then it goes away.

[1:24:20] That's 100% true.

[1:24:21] Every time Dan is extra sleepy or sick, people are like, wow, he was on fucking fire.

[1:24:27] Yeah.

[1:24:29] Like, yeah, he was burning up.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:31] Much like the Hulk, my secret is I'm always tired.

[1:24:34] Mm-hmm.

[1:24:35] That was the Hulk secret that he's always tired?

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:37] Uh-huh.

[1:24:38] You know what I'm saying, Elliot.

[1:24:39] I know what you're referring to.

[1:24:41] It's something Mark Buffalo said.

[1:24:42] You got that reference.

[1:24:44] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:46] Anyway.

[1:24:47] Good-ass episode of podcast.

[1:24:48] Yeah, let's start.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:51] MaximumFun.org.

S5

[1:24:52] Comedy and culture.

[1:24:53] Artist owned.

[1:24:55] Audience supported.

Ep. #379 - Pinocchio: A True Story

Chapters

Transcript

In this episode

Description