The Master of Disguise LIVE

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss the Master of Disguise!

[0:04] Live from San Francisco Sketch Fest!

[0:30] You guys sound ready to rumble, I think.

[0:38] I'm so glad you guys remembered your line.

[0:41] Yeah, it was a woo.

[0:44] But they did it better than you.

[0:46] Yeah, no, no, no.

[0:46] I mean, they're professionals.

[0:50] Yeah, hello.

[0:51] We're the Flophouse.

[0:52] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:53] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:54] I'm Elliot Kalin, and we're the Flophouse.

[0:56] Yeah, if you hear no applause on the podcast,

[0:59] it's because they did it already.

[1:01] They did it already, guys.

[1:02] It's not because we're hated.

[1:04] It's not because they're disappointed

[1:06] in the show so far.

[1:08] Surely not.

[1:09] They may very well be,

[1:10] but this is a polite San Francisco audience,

[1:12] and they would applaud

[1:13] should they feel like it was deserved or needed.

[1:17] No, no, hold on.

[1:19] Hold on.

[1:20] I'm not fishing for it.

[1:23] But I mean, it's great.

[1:25] I really appreciate it.

[1:25] It's been a rough week.

[1:26] You could use a little paper.

[1:27] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:27] Yeah, sure.

[1:29] So, for the show, of course, we wanted to do a legendary flop.

[1:35] Yeah.

[1:35] A bad movie of renown.

[1:36] Of course, we chose a famed 9-11 film, The Master of Disguise.

[1:42] I'm sure we'll talk about that at some point.

[1:44] I mean, the movie was filmed during 9-11, but it does not comment on that event.

[1:49] Maybe we'll talk about the story of whether or not they received the news of that event

[1:53] when Dana Carvey was dressed as a giant turtle.

[1:57] But, yeah, this is a film starring, one, Dana Carvey.

[2:01] Of course, you may remember him from Saturday Night Live in the 90s,

[2:05] Wayne's World, Wayne's World 2.

[2:06] When I was a kid growing up, he was, like, hands down my favorite cast member of Saturday Night Live.

[2:12] Oh, me too, for sure.

[2:12] Before I got older and realized it was Phil Hartman.

[2:14] No offense to Dana Carvey.

[2:15] When you're a kid, you love Dana Carvey.

[2:17] When you get older, it's Phil Hartman.

[2:18] When you get really old, it's Buck Henry from the episodes that he hosted.

[2:24] Specific.

[2:24] I'm not that old yet, though.

[2:27] Uh, but, uh, uh, Elliot, Stuart, Stuart, wait, Dan, are you okay?

[2:34] Uh, well, I, you know, uh, not just, I had some conveyor belt sushi that, uh, we'll get

[2:40] into that.

[2:40] Um, you realize this is how I'm off my game.

[2:43] I should have turned that into a master of disguise joke where I say, no, it's me, Elliot.

[2:47] I just look like Stuart.

[2:49] And then I would move my mouth while you're talking.

[2:51] Yeah.

[2:52] Uh, Stuart, now you're going to take us through the plot such as it is.

[2:56] of Master of Disguise.

[2:58] Okay.

[2:59] Yeah, it's like two cards.

[3:00] So this movie,

[3:01] I do want to point out

[3:02] that this movie,

[3:03] I think the original cut

[3:04] was an hour and 45 minutes.

[3:06] The version that is available

[3:07] for all normal people to see

[3:09] is 80 minutes long,

[3:11] including two minutes of credits

[3:13] and nine minutes of bloopers.

[3:15] This is a sign

[3:17] that your movie has not worked out.

[3:19] When you are cutting scenes

[3:21] from the movie

[3:21] because they are not as funny

[3:22] as you hoped they would be,

[3:24] you look at the runtime

[3:24] of the movie and you say,

[3:25] This is too short to release in theaters.

[3:27] During the credits, we will run the scenes

[3:29] that we cut out of the movie

[3:30] because they were not funny enough to include in the movie.

[3:33] Yeah, and I'm not going to...

[3:34] It's like if you made dinner for somebody

[3:36] and it didn't come out right the first time,

[3:38] so you made it again, but you didn't make enough.

[3:40] So you had to serve the first one that wasn't good enough.

[3:43] Yeah.

[3:43] And the people you're serving it to get food poisoning.

[3:46] Now you got to pay the medical bills.

[3:48] You can't afford it.

[3:49] Now you got to be their butler

[3:50] until they feel like they paid it off.

[3:52] Yeah.

[3:53] This is your spec script?

[3:54] Yeah, it's called Food Poisoning Butler.

[3:57] And I'm not going to lay this at the feet of the director.

[4:01] There's plenty of blame to go around.

[4:02] But the director of this, this was his first movie.

[4:06] He was the production designer for a bunch of comedies before this.

[4:09] And it was also his last movie, his director.

[4:12] And this was a Happy Madison production, right?

[4:14] Yes.

[4:14] And I think technically it wasn't financially a flop.

[4:17] I think it made well over its budget.

[4:20] I think it was the number one movie at the box office that year.

[4:22] Yeah, yeah.

[4:23] Stand-up and cheer moment.

[4:25] The movie opens in 1979.

[4:26] When the Masters guys entered the Speed Force.

[4:28] It was a big stand-up and cheer moment, yeah.

[4:30] 1979, Palermo.

[4:32] We are introduced to...

[4:33] Oh, what a car.

[4:35] We are introduced to Fabrizio Disguise,

[4:38] a Master of Disguise secret agent

[4:41] who is breaking up an international smuggling operation

[4:46] run by Devlin Bowman.

[4:49] Now, Fabrizio is played by James Brolin,

[4:53] Father of Josh

[4:55] Yep, thank you

[4:56] And husband of Barbara

[4:58] And played Pee Wee

[5:01] And the smuggling operations run by this guy

[5:03] Devlin Bowman, who is played, of course, by

[5:05] Brett Spiner

[5:05] Brent, I want to

[5:08] Branch Spiner

[5:09] His name is Branch Spiner

[5:12] Right off the bat

[5:14] I want to just say something about

[5:16] The premise of, like, oh, there's

[5:19] A master of disguise, this is a job

[5:20] This is, like, a master of disguise

[5:22] inherently, like, I mean, like, I feel like this is the sort of thing

[5:25] that's catnip to a certain type of comedian

[5:27] who's like, oh, you know, I always wanted to be

[5:29] Peter Sellers when I was a kid. I'm gonna

[5:31] you know, get to go out and do a bunch of voices

[5:33] some of them racist, and I will

[5:35] you know, we'll have any of those

[5:37] Yeah

[5:38] But I do think that there's something, like, funny

[5:41] about the notion, like, oh, this is a job

[5:43] that you can have, like, you're

[5:44] not a detective, you're not a spy, you're

[5:47] a master of disguise

[5:48] And you don't work for anybody in particular

[5:50] like it's just a family

[5:51] it's a family tradition

[5:52] to put on disguises

[5:54] and stop criminals

[5:55] they're like the

[5:55] Kingsmen or something

[5:56] yeah

[5:57] but the movie

[5:57] does not deliver on this

[5:58] British government right

[5:59] do they

[6:00] yeah the Kingsmen

[6:01] I think that's why

[6:01] they're called the Kingsmen

[6:02] I'm always like

[6:02] when I watch one of those movies

[6:04] I'm always really drunk

[6:05] I don't think you can blame

[6:08] the movie for that

[6:09] it reminds me of

[6:10] when I was in high school

[6:11] there's a friend of mine

[6:12] that I kept talking about

[6:13] 2001 A Space Odyssey

[6:13] friend of mine said

[6:14] I'll watch that

[6:15] so I lent her my copy of it

[6:16] she goes

[6:17] this movie's boring

[6:17] I keep falling asleep

[6:18] while I'm watching it

[6:19] I'm like that's fair

[6:20] when are you watching it?

[6:20] I usually start around

[6:21] 11.45 p.m.

[6:23] I'm like well this

[6:24] I think you're halfway

[6:25] you know to blame for this

[6:27] but yeah so I think

[6:28] you're right Dan

[6:28] that this is a

[6:29] this is an attempt to make

[6:30] a Peter Sellers type comedy

[6:31] was this before or after

[6:33] Austin Powers had come out?

[6:34] I think it was after

[6:35] this is after

[6:36] so this movie came out

[6:37] I think shortly

[6:38] either before or after

[6:40] Goldmember

[6:40] okay so because the first

[6:41] Austin Powers is a

[6:42] successful version of

[6:43] I want to do a

[6:44] Peter Sellers type movie

[6:46] yeah

[6:46] and this is in

[6:47] well is it a successful

[6:49] version of it?

[6:50] We'll find out.

[6:50] So tell us more.

[6:51] Okay, so I do want to point out

[6:53] that Fabrizio Disguisey does do this stunt

[6:57] while disguised as Bo Derek from 10.

[7:01] Playing herself.

[7:02] Bo Derek playing herself.

[7:03] And I believe that she got a Razzie nomination for this,

[7:06] which is crazy because she's just in the movie

[7:08] for half a second diving out a window as Bo Derek.

[7:12] Do you think it's that shit where they're like,

[7:14] they're nominating her in hopes

[7:15] that she's going to show up to the Razzie Awards?

[7:17] Almost certainly.

[7:18] And fall in love with the nominators.

[7:20] Yeah.

[7:21] The nominators?

[7:22] Yeah.

[7:22] You don't want to fall in love with one of the denominators.

[7:24] Those guys are evil.

[7:26] Dan, why are you not writing this fucking romance novel?

[7:30] Now, watching this, I did not see this movie when it came out.

[7:33] I apologize.

[7:33] Mea culpa.

[7:34] Mea culpa.

[7:34] I wasn't in the theater going, finally, the Disguisey family is on screen.

[7:41] But watching this, I was like, oh, yeah.

[7:43] This was during that period when people thought that children would get references to 10.

[7:48] The movie about how Dudley Moore

[7:49] really wants to fuck Bo Derek.

[7:52] And the same way there was a period

[7:53] when they were like,

[7:54] you know what kids love?

[7:55] Jokes about Scarface.

[7:57] Kids love that.

[7:59] And this movie has those.

[8:01] Yeah, this movie does also have those, yeah.

[8:02] So Fabrizio realizes his life is too dangerous.

[8:05] He does not want to pass this on to his son

[8:07] as his father passed down to him.

[8:10] It's time to retire.

[8:12] Fast forward 23 years later,

[8:15] the Bone Temple.

[8:18] JK, JK, it's just on my mind.

[8:20] So 23 years later, Fabrizio now owns an Italian restaurant

[8:24] that's located on the street in the Universal Studio lot.

[8:28] It is one of the fakest cities in the world.

[8:31] It's great because later on there's a scene

[8:34] where Dana Carvey spends a crazy amount of time

[8:37] doing a Quint impression from Jaws.

[8:39] And the reason is because they shot this shit

[8:42] on the Universal Studios lot and it's right there.

[8:45] I think it's in the Jaws lake.

[8:46] And I'm sure that Dana Carvey's like,

[8:48] Yeah, I can do a Quint impression from Jaws.

[8:50] Like, that's a thing I do.

[8:52] Let's put it in the movie.

[8:54] Okay, so Fabrizio now owns an Italian restaurant.

[8:57] Wait, no, Dan, I disagree with you.

[8:59] I don't think that's the case.

[9:00] Because, as we'll mention later at the end of the movie,

[9:03] he does a President Bush impression,

[9:04] but it's the wrong President Bush, everybody.

[9:07] He's doing the second one,

[9:08] not the first one that he was famous

[9:10] for doing an impression of.

[9:11] I didn't even notice that,

[9:13] because it was just the same impression.

[9:14] Yeah, because the two Bushes sound exactly the same.

[9:15] No, they don't, Dan.

[9:16] What are you talking about?

[9:18] one's like a nerdy Connecticut guy

[9:20] and the other's like a fast-talking Texan guy, you know?

[9:22] Do you think Dana Carvey was like,

[9:24] I can do that shit too.

[9:26] I can do that better than Will Ferrell.

[9:27] I assume, yeah.

[9:28] I gotta show that I'm the master of bushes.

[9:30] So 23 years later...

[9:32] Which, yes, one of the lesser-known Metallica albums.

[9:36] It's two hands and they've got puppet strings

[9:39] going to a bunch of shrubs.

[9:41] But Bushmaster is like a top-tier snake, right?

[9:44] Yeah, it is a top-tier snake, that's true, yeah.

[9:46] So welcome to the snake house

[9:47] where we talk about Stuart's favorite snakes.

[9:49] Number one is Bushmaster.

[9:50] Okay, we're done.

[9:51] Okay.

[9:53] So 23 years later,

[9:54] Fabrizio now owns an Italian restaurant.

[9:56] He's married to Edie McClurg.

[9:59] Which is great.

[9:59] Yeah.

[10:00] And one of the new server, Rex,

[10:04] is of course played by Dan's favorite actor,

[10:06] Jay Johnston.

[10:08] He doesn't like Jay Johnston so much

[10:10] as his interest in overthrowing government.

[10:12] Yeah, his political...

[10:14] This is a former cast member of Mr. Show

[10:16] who was at Congress on January 6th.

[10:18] Yeah.

[10:19] And it was rippled through the comedy community.

[10:22] Wait, is that Jay Chaudhary from Mr. Show

[10:24] in those pictures?

[10:24] I mean, it makes the trivia section of IMDb

[10:27] of this movie, which is funny.

[10:30] Okay.

[10:30] I mean, there's not a lot of trivia

[10:32] otherwise to say about the movie.

[10:33] So, at this point, Fabrizio has this Italian restaurant

[10:37] and his son, Pistachio Disguise,

[10:40] the main character of our movie,

[10:41] played by Dana Carvey,

[10:43] who does not know of his Master of Disguise heritage,

[10:47] but he has this, like, yen,

[10:49] this need to be a Master of Disguise.

[10:51] He has an obsessive need to mimic other people,

[10:54] which gets him into a little bit of hot water,

[10:56] which is okay, because in an Italian restaurant,

[10:57] you need a lot of hot water.

[11:00] There's a lot of boiling of pasta, yeah.

[11:03] You don't serve a lot of cold pasta.

[11:06] His desire to disguise himself

[11:08] mostly manifests by him putting underwear on his head

[11:11] for some reason.

[11:12] Yeah, that was not clear why that was the case.

[11:16] Now, how would you describe this pistachio-disguise-y character?

[11:19] How would you...

[11:20] Irritating.

[11:21] Okay.

[11:22] It is on a scale from...

[11:24] Childlike.

[11:25] On a scale from not irritating,

[11:28] which fictional character would you say is not irritating?

[11:32] I mean, most of them, I don't know.

[11:34] Any of them?

[11:35] Any, just pick the least irritating fictional character.

[11:37] The least irritating fictional character.

[11:39] Okay, let's say Gregory Peck in Spellbound.

[11:42] Okay, so, to the most...

[11:45] Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's your spectrum.

[11:46] That's your baseline.

[11:47] To your most irritating fictional character, Little Nicky,

[11:50] this is closer on the Little Nicky end of the spectrum, you know.

[11:54] I would not believe it if Ingrid Bergman had a romance with Pistachio Disguisey,

[11:58] but in Spellbound with Gregory Peck, it's very believable.

[12:01] Now, she's his therapist, which is weird that they're having a romance,

[12:04] but again, it's a movie.

[12:06] Don't worry about it, you know.

[12:08] Wait, this happens in Master Disguise?

[12:10] Yes.

[12:10] You did find it very believable, though,

[12:12] when Jennifer Esposito had a romance

[12:14] with Pistachio Disguisey, though.

[12:16] I also found that not quite believable.

[12:18] Not compelling? Okay.

[12:19] If only because it is unclear

[12:21] how old Pistachio Disguisey is supposed to be.

[12:23] I don't know if he is 15 or 55.

[12:26] He has the mind of a child,

[12:27] but he has the body of adult Dana Carvey.

[12:28] And so it's unclear what he is.

[12:32] And it's one of those things where,

[12:33] no offense to Dana Carvey, but it's...

[12:35] Who I should say, again, I should say,

[12:37] I'm a big fan of.

[12:38] Again, growing up, Dana Carvey was

[12:40] my favorite member of that's now cast but this is not his best in this movie he has like a child's

[12:45] bowl cut that like on another actor i'd be like this is a specific choice to look childlike but

[12:50] dana carvey has always kind of had that haircut so i don't know okay it's a little ken burns

[12:56] dana carvey's hair again thank you for choosing an example we're all very familiar with unlike

[13:02] my spell like you're not familiar with ken burns of all the people the cast stones elliot that's

[13:07] true that's yeah yeah yeah when you walk by the hair salon i said give me the kb the picture of

[13:12] all the haircuts well i say give me the burns they point to his brother rick burns no no no i want the

[13:16] ken burns point to ed burns why is he there yeah he's a man with hair why not i don't know burns

[13:23] yeah what is it if kojak was go back to your wife tony if you walk if you walked into a hair place

[13:29] and it was like vin diesel telly savalis like i'd be like i don't know charles s dutton why are

[13:34] these people up on the wall.

[13:35] I don't understand.

[13:36] Professor X.

[13:38] Why are they on the wall

[13:41] of the barbershop?

[13:42] Oh, they all came here.

[13:43] I see.

[13:43] That's why, yeah.

[13:44] These are autographed photos.

[13:47] Yeah.

[13:48] Thanks.

[13:48] Best head shave in town, X.

[13:52] Thanks for the shine.

[13:53] That's how Bad Rick Stewart

[13:54] signs.

[13:57] That was just a character,

[13:59] Professor X.

[14:00] Oh, cool.

[14:00] It was very awkward

[14:02] when Professor X and Malcolm X

[14:03] Both had a reservation at the same restaurant.

[14:05] The tables got mixed up, yeah.

[14:08] Okay, so Pistachio's parents are kidnapped.

[14:11] They are kidnapped by...

[14:13] Thank you, sir, for continuing

[14:13] before I could try to do that scene.

[14:16] So his parents are kidnapped by

[14:17] what we will learn to be the henchmen

[14:19] of a recently released from prison

[14:22] Devlin Bowman, again played by...

[14:24] Data.

[14:25] Brett?

[14:25] Brent.

[14:26] Brett Spiner.

[14:27] No, Brent.

[14:29] Okay, if you say so.

[14:31] Yeah, you would remember him best

[14:33] from the movie Out to Sea

[14:34] with Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon.

[14:36] I would remember that.

[14:36] So his parents are kidnapped.

[14:38] His life is turned upside down.

[14:42] And his apartment is also...

[14:44] Yeah, his home is also turned upside down as well.

[14:47] It's ransacked.

[14:48] And he doesn't know what to do with himself.

[14:50] Luckily, his grandfather arrives

[14:53] and explains to him that he is part

[14:56] of this long lineage of masters of disguise.

[15:00] This grandfather starts to teach him the ways.

[15:02] He explains the legacy,

[15:04] that they are this line of secret agents

[15:06] who don't, again, work for anyone

[15:08] and mainly use their disguised powers

[15:10] to stop people from stealing things?

[15:12] Yes, as they have done throughout history.

[15:13] We see some, what's the historical example we see?

[15:16] I kind of don't remember.

[15:17] It's like some, I don't know,

[15:18] somebody stealing the Mona Lisa or something.

[15:19] Because there's one in the credits, too,

[15:21] that clearly they shot for the film.

[15:23] Like somebody dressed up like a fake statue or something.

[15:25] Yeah, yeah.

[15:26] It's unclear how, you know,

[15:28] ability to disguise would be the best way

[15:31] to, like, keep people from stealing things

[15:33] rather than, like, I don't know, being...

[15:33] And also, like, people over property, dude.

[15:36] Who cares?

[15:36] Being the world's best lockmaker or something.

[15:41] That was in Master Lock of Disguise.

[15:42] Yeah, it was in the movie, yeah.

[15:44] So he explains a lot of this using the disguise...

[15:46] That's one for the people who know brands of lock.

[15:50] He explains a lot of this using the disguise...

[15:52] Name another one.

[15:54] Um, uh, lock buddy?

[15:58] Probably.

[16:00] Oh, phew, that was close.

[16:03] Every time I can't answer a question Dan asks me,

[16:05] I lose an hour of life.

[16:09] So weird deal we made.

[16:10] Yeah.

[16:13] But every time I get one right, I get one french fry.

[16:17] Which Dan feeds to him baby bird style.

[16:20] Yep.

[16:24] Dan would like to demonstrate that right now.

[16:28] So he explained,

[16:30] the grandfather explains,

[16:31] who's the grandfather playing by?

[16:32] I don't know.

[16:34] I'll look it up.

[16:34] He's an actor.

[16:35] He's an actor who's in a lot of things.

[16:37] An actor who's in a lot of things.

[16:40] You in the audience or at home can do this work.

[16:42] He looks like a less nutty version

[16:44] of the guy from Tim Robinson,

[16:48] I think you should leave.

[16:49] The wheel shouldn't fly out the way.

[16:52] That guy is crushing it, by the way.

[16:53] He's not the actor who plays Uncle Leo on Seinfeld,

[16:56] but he has a lot in common

[16:57] with the actor who plays Uncle Leo on Seinfeld.

[16:58] Yeah, if you squint, you'd think it's Uncle Leo.

[17:01] Yeah, okay.

[17:02] So he explains a lot of this using this pop-up book

[17:05] that will explain the Pistachio legacy.

[17:08] They start their training.

[17:09] He shows them the magical hidey hole

[17:13] that his father used to hide all his disguise stuff.

[17:16] They call it the nest.

[17:17] It's like this is his nest.

[17:19] They start training.

[17:20] There's a training dummy

[17:21] that's this wooden, like, fight dummy

[17:24] that they slap a lot.

[17:26] There's a lot of slapping.

[17:27] Yeah, and their main weapon,

[17:28] they don't punch, they slap instead.

[17:30] They slap and say, who's your daddy?

[17:32] Yes.

[17:32] That's because it is dispiriting to the enemy

[17:35] to have who's your daddy said to you

[17:37] as you're being slapped.

[17:38] And hilarious.

[17:38] Unless you're from Indiana,

[17:39] in which case a who's your daddy

[17:40] is either what you are or what you have, yeah.

[17:43] Is that true, Stuart?

[17:43] Is that true?

[17:44] Yeah.

[17:45] Can we fact check this in real time?

[17:46] Is that true?

[17:47] Yeah, no, you're right, yeah.

[17:48] Yeah, I'm from Indiana.

[17:51] I get it, yeah.

[17:52] Because that's what

[17:53] they call them there, yeah.

[17:54] Oh, yeah, Hoosier.

[17:55] Because of the love of Hoos.

[17:57] Everybody's Hoosier over there.

[17:58] Actually, nobody really knows

[17:59] where the name comes from.

[18:00] I mean, it's...

[18:02] Yeah, there's some

[18:03] apocryphal stories, you know.

[18:04] So Grandpa's got to leave.

[18:05] What's one of them, Dan?

[18:06] Well, it's like,

[18:08] it's like, who's there?

[18:10] Like, if you go to the door,

[18:11] you're like, Hoosier.

[18:11] I mean, you're from Illinois.

[18:12] I don't know how you know.

[18:13] I find it hard to believe

[18:14] that there is a region

[18:15] where people's way of saying

[18:17] who's there is so distinctive

[18:19] that it becomes the word

[18:20] used to describe the people from that region.

[18:23] I'm not making any claims for its veracity.

[18:25] You said to me, and I quote,

[18:27] and let's read back the record,

[18:28] you said, if this is not true,

[18:30] I will swallow an entire ghost pepper.

[18:34] Feels kind of weird.

[18:35] Yeah, it's fair.

[18:36] I'll do it after the show.

[18:37] So Grandpa leaves.

[18:38] No, you said, dot, dot, dot,

[18:40] in front of everybody at the show.

[18:43] All right, we'll do it during the questions.

[18:45] We'll do it during the questions.

[18:45] Dot, dot, dot, before the questions.

[18:47] Oh, no.

[18:49] So Grandpa leaves because the pop-up book says Grandpa has to leave.

[18:53] But first, they have to hire him an assistant

[18:55] because every master of disguise has an assistant

[18:58] who often falls in love with him,

[19:00] which feels like a sentence in this case.

[19:04] In walks Jennifer Esposito,

[19:06] playing a character named Jennifer, luckily.

[19:08] And she is the mother of a little boy

[19:10] who Pistachio has already met earlier in the film.

[19:13] And this little boy's only characteristic is he is bad at skateboarding

[19:16] and was constantly falling off of his skateboard.

[19:18] Well, he's just there so, like, a pistachio disguise,

[19:21] he can show some positive trait in that he is good with the child.

[19:26] Yeah.

[19:26] Because in many ways, he is a child himself.

[19:29] Yeah.

[19:29] But now that Jennifer Esposito has showed up, I want to say, like...

[19:32] Oh, is she here?

[19:33] Jennifer, come on up.

[19:33] Hey!

[19:34] Jennifer.

[19:35] Hey, that's...

[19:35] Jenny.

[19:36] Espo.

[19:38] The seat.

[19:39] Come on up.

[19:41] J.E.

[19:43] No, I, like, faint praise.

[19:46] there are a couple of people in this movie

[19:48] that I at least enjoy what they're trying to do.

[19:51] Like, Jennifer Esposito, I think,

[19:53] succeeds by being the character in this movie

[19:55] filled with irritating people

[19:57] who, like, is a normal human being.

[20:00] Like, why is this happening?

[20:02] But, like, with a certain pleasantness and joy.

[20:05] I think she's very charismatic in the movie.

[20:07] And aside from the scene where she's supposed to show

[20:09] sexual interest in Pistachio Disguisey,

[20:12] which I think would stretch the limits

[20:14] of any thespian's abilities.

[20:16] Sir Larry Olivier himself, I think,

[20:19] would struggle with the scene.

[20:21] Dame Judi Dench, I think,

[20:22] would have trouble communicating that.

[20:24] I think she does come off really likable.

[20:25] Yeah, she's likable,

[20:26] and I want to give laurels as well to Brent Spiner,

[20:29] who I think, despite being saddled with, like,

[20:31] a joke where he has to fart all the time.

[20:34] I'll give you this.

[20:34] The first time that joke happened, I laughed at it.

[20:36] Yeah.

[20:37] His characteristic is that

[20:38] when he laughs maniacally at something,

[20:41] it causes him to fart,

[20:41] and then he gets a look on his face

[20:43] like he's really upset that that happened,

[20:45] and he's annoyed by it.

[20:46] They always allow this fart to hang in the air.

[20:48] Yes.

[20:49] As farts are wont to do.

[20:51] The first time it happened, I genuinely didn't expect it,

[20:54] and I laughed at it.

[20:55] But it happens every single scene.

[20:57] It happens like seven or eight more times.

[20:59] But the level of commitment and dignity

[21:02] Brent Spider brings to this farting villain,

[21:04] I respect a great deal.

[21:07] I mean, I have to assume that he was just so happy

[21:09] to play a character who can pass gas

[21:10] after playing a robot for so many years.

[21:13] Incapable for eating.

[21:13] Who famously have to hold it.

[21:15] Yeah, yeah, to hold it, yeah.

[21:16] yeah

[21:17] well that's that song

[21:18] you want to know

[21:19] when to hold it

[21:19] that's about

[21:19] playing data

[21:20] yeah

[21:21] being an android

[21:22] yeah

[21:23] meanwhile

[21:23] Brett Spiner makes

[21:27] Brent

[21:28] wait

[21:29] I'll call him

[21:31] by his character name

[21:32] Devlin Bowman makes

[21:33] Fabrizio Disguisey

[21:35] re

[21:36] become a master

[21:37] of disguise again

[21:38] to steal him

[21:39] rare items

[21:40] using his wife

[21:42] his wife's safety

[21:43] as

[21:44] to hold it

[21:45] over his head

[21:46] He has put Fabrizio's wife in a...

[21:50] He has drugged her and put her in a kitchen

[21:52] to make her think that she's making Italian food,

[21:55] and he keeps threatening to have somebody kill her, I guess.

[21:58] And he keeps giving her drugs

[22:00] to make her think she's in this world,

[22:01] which I'm like, that sounds great.

[22:03] It's like caramel popcorn or something like that.

[22:05] Okay.

[22:06] Yes, I mean, the villain, he's a bad guy.

[22:08] I don't think we have to like what he's doing.

[22:10] And he's...

[22:11] No, I'm pro.

[22:12] I'm pro trapping Edie McGlern.

[22:15] Road trapping and drugging Edie McClurgan.

[22:17] But, I mean, she just thinks she's cooking, you know?

[22:19] Yeah.

[22:21] Okay, so we find Jennifer Esposito finds...

[22:24] She does all the work here, by the way.

[22:25] Yeah, she does all the detective work.

[22:27] So she finds a clue.

[22:28] She finds one of Devlin's cigars,

[22:31] and it leads her to the Turtle Club,

[22:34] a famous cigar club,

[22:35] that's located, again, I'm guessing,

[22:37] in the Universal Studio lot.

[22:39] Yes.

[22:40] So this is the Turtle Club.

[22:41] This, of course, was the moment

[22:42] where I didn't need the entire seat anymore.

[22:46] I was only on the edge.

[22:47] If you know anything about Master of Disguise,

[22:51] then you know about the turtle scene.

[22:54] Yeah, and this is the one now.

[22:56] Because the only thing I knew about Master of Disguise

[22:59] before watching it was the turtle scene.

[23:02] The legend about it is this was being shot.

[23:05] Well, that Curly had some gold.

[23:07] Curly Crystal had to go get it.

[23:08] Oh, the legend of Curly's gold.

[23:10] We don't have time to get into that.

[23:12] I think I just told him.

[23:14] The legend is that this was shot,

[23:16] the scene was shot on 9-11.

[23:18] The movie Master of Disguise

[23:20] was in pre-production on 9-11.

[23:22] What actually happened,

[23:22] and this is confirmed by Dan DeCarvi,

[23:26] is that there was a moment of silence

[23:28] for the victims of 9-11,

[23:30] like about a week later,

[23:32] while he was in the turtle costume.

[23:34] Yes.

[23:36] And he's just like,

[23:37] he was kind of taken off guard,

[23:38] like, oh, we're doing this now?

[23:40] Like, well, I'm a turtle,

[23:42] Okay.

[23:44] So he was in that.

[23:45] So imagine that.

[23:47] Dana Carvey as a turtle man.

[23:49] Bowing his head in mournful silence

[23:52] after the greatest tragedy in American history.

[23:56] So at this point we see...

[23:57] Even greater than an American tragedy

[23:58] by Theodore Dreiser.

[24:00] And that's an Amer...

[24:01] Anyway, forget it.

[24:03] I instantly heard the lack of interest

[24:05] in the work of Theodore Dreiser.

[24:07] I'm not going to make any jokes about Sister Carrie.

[24:09] Don't worry about it.

[24:10] So this is where we kind of learn...

[24:11] I'm not going to make any jokes about Jenny Earhart.

[24:13] I'm just not going to talk about him.

[24:15] No, we're not going to.

[24:15] So this is kind of where we learn the limits

[24:17] of Pistachio's understanding of his role

[24:20] because they're going to the Turtle Club.

[24:22] Because he realizes he can't stop 9-11

[24:24] using the powers of disguise.

[24:27] I mean, what's the fucking point of having

[24:29] this secret master of disguise organization

[24:31] if they can't stop it?

[24:32] It reminds me of, there's the one issue

[24:34] of Amazing Spider-Man

[24:35] that was their 9-11 tribute issue.

[24:37] And it was one of those things,

[24:38] their hearts were in the right place

[24:39] that they're going to do a tribute issue.

[24:40] It was one of those things where I was like, well, don't the heroes of the Marvel Universe stop this kind of stuff all the time?

[24:45] They do this all the time, and they have Dr. Doom show up, and he's crying.

[24:48] And it was like, you do worse stuff than this, Dr. Doom.

[24:52] Yeah, it's like finding out that the Transformers were running around during World War II, and you're like, what the fuck were they doing?

[24:59] Oh, I'm really busy with it.

[25:00] Or the Eternals.

[25:01] Yeah, stop disguising yourself, guys.

[25:03] What were they disguising themselves as during World War II?

[25:05] Because we didn't have big rig trucks or VW buses.

[25:08] And by the way, they're the true masters of disguise.

[25:10] He's a Transformers.

[25:11] Tell me about it.

[25:12] You think it's a normal car.

[25:13] You get in it, suddenly you're inside a robot.

[25:15] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[25:15] What the fuck?

[25:17] You think you're getting in a car,

[25:20] but it's just some guy who can talk to you.

[25:23] But he's like a big guy.

[25:25] He can still carry you where you want to go.

[25:26] Yeah, this is pretty cool, but I got to be at work.

[25:28] Could you...

[25:30] But, like, are you inside his body?

[25:33] Yeah.

[25:33] Or is he, like, curled up around you

[25:35] to get smashed when he transforms?

[25:37] Yeah, I mean, I have to...

[25:38] Yeah, can you see his food while you're in there?

[25:43] What is he eating?

[25:44] Yeah, what does a Transformer eat?

[25:47] Do they ever see in any...

[25:48] I haven't seen all the Transformers movies.

[25:50] They have one where a guy thinks he's just bought a car

[25:51] and it turns into a robot, walks away, and he goes,

[25:53] that's going to affect the blue book value.

[25:57] Because Hollywood, if that scene doesn't exist, sign me up.

[26:00] Yeah, it's called, it's a mad, mad, mad, mad Transformer.

[26:03] Dan, do not tempt me with the greatest assignment

[26:05] I could ever receive as a writer.

[26:08] No, you were talking about a turtle club.

[26:11] All the biggest comedy stars of the era in one movie, finally.

[26:15] Don Knotts gets into a car, starts driving away,

[26:17] turns into a robot.

[26:18] Oh, what's going on here?

[26:20] I've heard of a man turning into a fish,

[26:22] but a car and a robot?

[26:25] So that was Don Knotts losing his faith in the line.

[26:28] Yeah.

[26:30] It's like, oh, I've got to talk to whoever wrote this.

[26:32] It's not the best I've ever done.

[26:34] That was Don Knotts losing his voice.

[26:36] Yeah, yeah, of course.

[26:37] Because he was walking off stage.

[26:38] He's like, now I can drop the...

[26:40] Do you think when he gets off stage, he'll be like,

[26:41] oh, no, I'm Mr. Chicken.

[26:43] All right, quitting time.

[26:44] Yeah, I'm imagining it's like a nutty professor sort of situation

[26:47] where he becomes very suave.

[26:50] A Nazi professor, because it's on knots.

[26:52] Wait a minute.

[26:52] Hold on a second.

[26:54] But he's fighting the Nazis and the incredible Mr. Lumpet as a fish.

[26:57] Yeah, but, okay, hold on.

[27:00] I think we're going to have to parse this a little bit.

[27:02] Stuart, turtles?

[27:03] You're talking about...

[27:06] What?

[27:06] Oh, yeah, the turtle.

[27:07] So he goes to the turtle club.

[27:08] What's the disguise?

[27:09] Sorry, I was thinking about Warhammer, guys.

[27:12] Okay, so they're in the Turtle Club.

[27:13] So this is a high society cigar smoking club.

[27:16] What is the disguise he chooses?

[27:17] It's just named the Turtle Club.

[27:18] Yeah, it's called the Turtle Club,

[27:19] but he takes it literally,

[27:20] and he shows up as like a half-man, half-human turtle hybrid.

[27:23] Yes.

[27:25] He probably...

[27:25] He says the word turtle a lot.

[27:27] He probably knows ninjutsu,

[27:29] and I remember as a child...

[27:30] We all know his stance on pizza.

[27:32] Yeah.

[27:33] You're like seeing this...

[27:34] Like, this was heavily featured in the commercials.

[27:35] As a child?

[27:36] Because they knew...

[27:37] Dan, you were not a child when this movie came out.

[27:40] I think you were in college when this movie came out.

[27:43] Time has lost all meaning.

[27:46] When I was younger.

[27:47] You weren't even in college.

[27:48] You had graduated college at that point.

[27:51] 2002.

[27:52] Oh, this is 2002?

[27:53] Dan, you were applying for Social Security at that point.

[27:57] Cats in the cradle in the silver spring.

[28:01] Now, this is all a montage of scenes from Master of Disguise

[28:03] as Cats in the Cradle.

[28:05] There's so much movie left.

[28:06] I just remember seeing this in the ads.

[28:11] I love how Stuart bragged about how few note cards he had to go through.

[28:15] So you saw the turtle man in the ads.

[28:17] I saw it in the ads, and I think that I was not alone in being like,

[28:21] oh, chuckling at the turtle man.

[28:22] The turtle man, they knew that that was what they had.

[28:26] Yes.

[28:27] Whereas him acting like a turtle man,

[28:30] saying like, am I not turtley enough for the turtle club?

[28:32] I'm a turtle, turtle, turtle.

[28:33] But not since Kangaroo Jack has an advertising campaign so misidentified the main thing the movie was about.

[28:41] Yeah.

[28:42] There's not a lot of plots, Drew.

[28:43] No, of course not.

[28:44] So meanwhile, Devlin Bowman is having Fabrizio steal things.

[28:49] This is a great opportunity to feature a bunch of celebrity cameos.

[28:53] You have Jessica Simpson.

[28:54] You have Governor Jesse Ventura.

[28:57] You have someone else who's a third person.

[29:01] The fastest man in the world at the time.

[29:03] Yes, that's true.

[29:04] And they're mainly situations where these celebrities show up

[29:07] and people just give them rare items

[29:09] and they run away with them.

[29:11] They're not the most intricate skeeves.

[29:14] Yeah.

[29:15] Okay, so at the Turtle Club, they have a lead on Bowman.

[29:20] They realize he's going to be in an antique fair,

[29:22] so they go to an antique fair.

[29:24] This is where Bowman meets Jennifer and falls in love

[29:26] and invites her to a house party at his house.

[29:29] Meanwhile, Pistachio is doing different disguises

[29:31] and basically being annoying,

[29:33] but that doesn't matter to them at all.

[29:34] No, every disguise he puts on

[29:36] is an active obstacle to their plan.

[29:39] And it feels kind of Marx Brothers-y

[29:41] where they're like, here's what we have to do.

[29:43] So what can we do to screw up our own plan

[29:45] as best as possible?

[29:46] That's what he's doing, yeah.

[29:47] So then we go to this house party,

[29:48] but I feel like this is where he starts to come to,

[29:51] like, Passaccio's thing starts to work

[29:53] because his job is to be a disruption to-

[29:57] Yeah, he's going to distract while Esposito goes around.

[29:59] So he decides to show up as Tony Montana.

[30:01] as Tony Montana

[30:02] for the kids

[30:03] and he does a lot of yelling

[30:04] and then he does

[30:05] a lot of dancing

[30:06] which is kind of great.

[30:07] You know,

[30:07] there's some dancing in there.

[30:09] Jennifer Esposito

[30:10] sneaks into the house

[30:11] and like,

[30:12] I don't know,

[30:12] finds some stuff

[30:13] and I'm quite remember.

[30:13] I'm just realizing now

[30:14] because I think my memory

[30:15] had erased it.

[30:16] We didn't talk at all

[30:17] about in his training

[30:18] how he successfully

[30:20] becomes master's guest

[30:21] by doing a racist

[30:22] kind of Indian accent

[30:23] for a long time.

[30:23] Oh yeah,

[30:24] weird that I didn't

[30:24] bring that up.

[30:27] Well,

[30:27] I mean,

[30:27] I do think it's a...

[30:28] My worry is that

[30:28] the listeners will hear this

[30:29] and be like,

[30:30] oh,

[30:30] They didn't mention that.

[30:30] I guess they think it's okay.

[30:32] Oh, you're right.

[30:33] Or the listeners will think, like,

[30:34] oh, this sounds like a wacky romp.

[30:36] I like bad movies.

[30:37] I'll watch this.

[30:38] There's nothing very racist in it, I'm sure.

[30:41] Yeah, it's really bad.

[30:42] And, yeah, so during his...

[30:44] I guess we'll talk about it.

[30:46] No, we don't have to talk about it.

[30:47] I just don't want you to acknowledge it.

[30:48] When he, his first chance to, like,

[30:51] the way, when he finally crystallized,

[30:53] when everything works out, he transforms...

[30:54] What's the name of the special energy that they have

[30:57] that they tap into?

[30:58] Energico.

[30:58] Energico, yeah.

[30:59] Yeah.

[31:00] it's in my brain

[31:01] forever now

[31:02] Energico

[31:04] so he taps into it

[31:05] he becomes

[31:06] a racist caricature

[31:08] of an

[31:09] Indian man

[31:10] playing a

[31:11] a snake charming flute

[31:12] and he plays like

[31:13] a Kenny G song

[31:14] and then he and the fake snake

[31:16] like kiss and hug

[31:17] the snake doesn't

[31:18] do much hugging

[31:19] he has no arms

[31:20] I guess you can

[31:21] you can constrict

[31:22] as a snake

[31:23] yeah that's a hug

[31:24] yeah

[31:25] but that was a cobra

[31:26] which is not a constrictor

[31:27] no that's a venomous snake

[31:29] yeah

[31:29] Okay

[31:30] Also

[31:31] So I guess

[31:33] I guess the implication

[31:34] We're back at the

[31:34] fucking snake house

[31:35] If you're looking

[31:37] for things to avoid

[31:38] in Master of Disguise

[31:39] there's also

[31:40] Gay Panic

[31:41] as

[31:42] as

[31:42] A movie from

[31:44] 2002

[31:44] Pistachio

[31:45] of course

[31:47] loves big butts

[31:48] on women

[31:49] There's a lot of

[31:49] unfunny stuff

[31:50] where he's like

[31:51] Oh Jennifer S. Mazur

[31:52] Yeah for Dan

[31:53] big butts are

[31:53] deadly serious business

[31:55] Well it's all because

[31:57] like E.D. McClurg

[31:58] has a big butt

[31:59] So it's all tied into his mom adoration.

[32:03] But there's a part where...

[32:04] I mean, that's what Sigmund Freud would say, yeah.

[32:06] I mean, it's expressly said in this movie.

[32:09] It's the part where Pistachio and his grandfather

[32:11] are ogling a big butt on the street

[32:13] and are so alarmed that it turns out to be a man's butt

[32:15] that their ice cream cones fly into their mouths.

[32:20] And then the scene stops.

[32:22] As if the movie for once realized,

[32:25] like, oh, we shouldn't be doing this.

[32:26] The thing is, all of this big butt stuff

[32:28] is setting up an important climactic scene

[32:30] that was cut from the movie

[32:31] and then inserted into the end credits

[32:33] as a blooper scene.

[32:35] That's what you're writing, Dan.

[32:37] Yeah, so somewhere in there,

[32:39] like, Pistachio does more disguises.

[32:41] He rescues Jennifer briefly

[32:42] by being, like, a suave English gentleman character.

[32:46] And, you know, they follow all the clues.

[32:49] They figure out what's going on.

[32:51] Jennifer gets kidnapped again,

[32:52] so Pistachio has to speak to his grandfather

[32:55] in a magic crystal ball.

[32:56] Which is a very weird scene,

[32:58] Because I'm like, could they not get this actor

[33:00] back in the same space as...

[33:02] No, I think they did.

[33:03] So one of the producers on this movie is Dino Stamatopoulos,

[33:06] who's a really good comedy writer.

[33:08] And there are times when the movie gets weird suddenly,

[33:11] and I'm like, I bet this was a Dino Stamatopoulos joke.

[33:14] So I think the idea of him having a magic crystal ball

[33:17] that his grandfather projects out of a hologram

[33:19] and is just like, let's do something weird at this moment.

[33:21] So Pistachio figures out he can sneak into Devlin's home

[33:24] as a giant cherry pie, and he runs around as a cherry pie man.

[33:27] This is one of the most frightening visuals

[33:29] you ever see in any movie.

[33:32] I feel like the flip side of the Turtle Man coin

[33:35] is this, him as like an ambulatory inside of a cherry pie.

[33:39] And it is terrifying.

[33:41] It looks like all of his skin

[33:42] has been pulled off of his body.

[33:44] It's horrifying.

[33:45] Yeah, he looks like there's a character in,

[33:47] in what was that horror TV show

[33:49] that was just covered in teeth?

[33:51] It's kind of like that.

[33:52] Oh, the Channel Zero show.

[33:53] Tooth Body.

[33:54] Yeah, Tooth Body is his name.

[33:56] Dr. Teeth from the Electromania.

[33:58] You know when you're sitting alone at night

[34:01] and you're staring off into the...

[34:02] You know, maybe staring into the moon,

[34:04] making a wish, and you're like,

[34:05] I wish I could just meet a guy made out of cherries.

[34:08] Well, that's kind of what it looks like.

[34:10] Wait, so hold on.

[34:14] I'm just saying what everybody else is thinking.

[34:16] I feel like that...

[34:16] That description didn't really get across

[34:20] anything other than what it is.

[34:22] All right.

[34:24] It's horrifying.

[34:25] It's really horrifying.

[34:26] You know, when you're thinking about the Fruit of the Loom gang

[34:28] and you're like, why is the cherry guy like one big cherry?

[34:31] Shouldn't he just be a bunch of little cherries?

[34:33] Yeah, because the grapes are a bunch of grapes.

[34:34] There's a bunch of grapes, so that makes sense, yeah.

[34:37] Okay.

[34:39] Whatever happened to the Fruit of the Loom guys?

[34:40] Somebody, I don't see them on TV anymore.

[34:43] They got work on a hat.

[34:44] Now they're all on a hat together.

[34:46] Oh, that's great, that's great.

[34:47] Okay, so he sneaks in as a pie.

[34:48] They're moving up the body.

[34:49] That's good, that's good, yeah.

[34:51] So he sneaks in as a pie,

[34:52] and then he tries to disguise himself to find his dad,

[34:55] and then they catch him

[34:57] and then he does

[34:57] a bunch of martial arts moves

[34:59] and he fights a bunch

[35:00] of evil martial artists

[35:01] very briefly.

[35:02] He mainly does some flips.

[35:04] And then he has a showdown

[35:06] with what he initially thinks

[35:08] is the bad guy, Bowman,

[35:11] played by Brett Spiner.

[35:13] But it turns out

[35:13] that that's actually his dad

[35:15] with a Brett Spiner mask

[35:16] glued to it.

[35:18] And then they have

[35:19] like a fight kind of

[35:20] until he convinces his dad

[35:21] to like rip the mask off.

[35:22] He puts underwear on his head.

[35:24] He does.

[35:24] Which reminds his dad about what he was like as a kid.

[35:27] And it breaks out of his programming.

[35:29] It's just like in The Manchurian Candidate.

[35:31] It's exactly like that.

[35:32] Meanwhile, the mom reveals that she has not been actually taking the drugs

[35:38] and she could free herself at any point and defeats the guy who's going to kill her,

[35:42] which is cool, I guess.

[35:43] Why didn't she do that earlier?

[35:46] And then Pistachio marries Jennifer Esposito.

[35:50] Sentenced to a life of being pistachios.

[35:54] And then all three disguises go to Costa Rica to disguise as George W. Bush.

[36:01] You're like falling into depression as you describe what happened in this movie.

[36:08] This George W. Bush thing is like, what the fuck?

[36:11] It was topical at the time.

[36:12] He was president at the time.

[36:14] Yes, it would be like crazy if he just showed up to a pool party.

[36:18] But I mean, it's also like a suit.

[36:21] He's wearing a suit.

[36:22] Yeah.

[36:22] Not a bathing suit.

[36:23] it also is like

[36:25] the movie got tired

[36:26] you sound like

[36:27] you're tired

[36:27] it's also like

[36:27] the movie got tired

[36:29] because it ends

[36:30] and it's like

[36:30] oh yeah

[36:31] we didn't quite like

[36:32] tie everything up

[36:33] let's have like

[36:34] an extra scene

[36:35] where we just like

[36:36] do it really fast

[36:36] so like all the

[36:36] disguises are there

[36:38] and they're like

[36:38] in costumes

[36:39] and they push him

[36:40] in a pool

[36:40] and I'm like

[36:41] I guess that's enough

[36:41] and he farts

[36:42] from below the water

[36:43] he does fart below

[36:45] the water

[36:46] that's a great

[36:48] that's his character trait

[36:49] that's a great

[36:49] thriller suspense movie

[36:50] fart below the water

[36:51] Stuart what

[36:52] Oh, yeah, I got some notes here.

[36:53] What are the credits like?

[36:54] What are the credits of this movie like?

[36:55] Before I get to the credits,

[36:56] I do want to mention that

[36:58] there are, like, three different theme songs

[37:01] to this movie

[37:02] talking about specific plot points.

[37:04] This is the most bespoke soundtrack

[37:06] outside of a musical I have ever seen.

[37:09] There are so many songs about the Master Disguise

[37:12] in different styles.

[37:14] They thought this was going to be

[37:15] the single most successful character

[37:17] in the history of fictional anything, storytelling.

[37:20] Like, we're going to need a shit ton of songs

[37:22] because there's, on the Hot Fun 100,

[37:25] we'll need 100 songs to fill it up.

[37:27] But like, none good.

[37:29] They're all like, he's a master of disguise.

[37:32] Yeah.

[37:32] Master of disguise.

[37:33] I mean, this podcast doesn't review music dance.

[37:36] Oh, sorry, I strayed from...

[37:39] I did notice there was a trivia point

[37:41] that because Dana Carvey says some of the lyrics

[37:45] from Papa Dope Preach,

[37:46] they had to pay Madonna $17,000.

[37:49] I mean, that's not...

[37:51] Half the budget, I assume.

[37:52] That's pretty standard, yeah.

[37:54] But, like, it was a net, like,

[37:56] it's not like it furthered the plot.

[37:59] That's true.

[37:59] But it was a hilarious joke.

[38:01] Yeah, you're right.

[38:01] A reference to things that kids of 2002 knew and loved.

[38:05] But, uh...

[38:05] Papa, don't preach.

[38:06] Okay, so the movie wraps up and you're like,

[38:08] I guess it's time to get out of here.

[38:10] It's only, we've been at this for 71 minutes already.

[38:13] Oh, no, no, you got nine minutes of bloopers.

[38:15] Time to pour lye into my eyes and ears to cleanse them.

[38:18] Yeah.

[38:19] So you get to see, like,

[38:20] James Rowland dancing a little.

[38:21] That's cool.

[38:22] No, it is not.

[38:23] They do, like,

[38:24] some of it is my least favorite thing

[38:26] in the history of cinema.

[38:28] End credits were all the cast dances

[38:30] to the song that's playing.

[38:31] Don't like it.

[38:32] Don't like it.

[38:32] But most of it is stuff that was...

[38:35] But most of it is scenes

[38:35] that were cut from the movie.

[38:36] Clearly cut from the longer version

[38:38] of the movie.

[38:39] You start seeing scenes

[38:39] where he's in a different disguise

[38:41] that you didn't see in the movie,

[38:42] and I was like,

[38:42] what is this?

[38:43] Yeah.

[38:44] But he's talking to Brent Spiner,

[38:45] and I'm like,

[38:46] This didn't happen.

[38:47] Did I black out?

[38:48] And then it ends with him, like, fighting the guy.

[38:53] Fighting a little man.

[38:54] Yeah, the guy who was hiding inside the wooden sparring dummy the whole time.

[38:59] Yeah.

[39:00] And he just keeps saying slap over and over and slapping Dana Carvey.

[39:05] And then they chase each other around.

[39:07] They run around the hillside.

[39:08] And then later on, they're just, like, enjoying a little drink together.

[39:11] Just sitting and talking to the camera.

[39:13] But, like, this character just showed up.

[39:16] That was our favorite character, Stuart.

[39:18] I mean, kind of, at this point, yeah.

[39:21] He does have a charisma the rest of the characters don't have.

[39:23] He's dressed like Super Mario, right?

[39:24] Yeah, because he's like a little bald guy with a mustache.

[39:27] And it is so clear that they are...

[39:29] Which Mario, if he takes his hat off, is bald, right?

[39:31] Is that the canon?

[39:32] I mean, let's go to the barbershop and see if his picture's up there.

[39:36] It is so clear that they are running out the clock on this movie,

[39:39] and they're like, all right, how much have we gone?

[39:41] Oh, okay, need another 45 seconds?

[39:42] Just sit and talk, Dana, it's all right.

[39:44] This is a case where, like, because this is all stuff

[39:46] that clearly, like, okay, we didn't use,

[39:49] we cut this whole scene, we cut this whole scene,

[39:50] but we gotta put something in there, like,

[39:52] it really makes you sit and think, like,

[39:55] okay, so the stuff they kept was the good stuff.

[39:59] Some of it is Dana Carvey doing other impressions.

[40:02] Like, he does an impression of Russell Crowe in Gladiator,

[40:05] and all those impressions clearly have the same background.

[40:08] So it feels like they were like,

[40:08] we gotta just shoot some extra stuff.

[40:10] Like, we gotta just put on different costumes

[40:12] and say different things.

[40:13] And it's, like, not even that good

[40:14] of a Russell Crowe in Gladiator impression.

[40:16] It's like, I mean, the Quint stuff goes on way too long.

[40:20] Oh, yeah, there is a part where he also,

[40:21] he escapes by being disguised as Quint from Jaws

[40:23] that does go on for a long time.

[40:25] But also, like, with no jokes,

[40:26] he's just doing straight lines that Quint has in Jaws.

[40:30] And then the joke is, it's the reference,

[40:32] and then he just starts kind of making gibberish sounds, right?

[40:34] You know?

[40:35] Yeah, New England gibberish.

[40:37] It's the thing that everyone knows about Quint from Jaws,

[40:39] which is that he is incomprehensible,

[40:41] and you cannot understand what he's saying.

[40:44] Yeah, yeah, that kind of stuff.

[40:45] Just like in Jaws.

[40:46] He's like,

[40:46] I think time's running out

[40:51] on the old Master of Disguise here.

[40:53] Why don't we do final judgments?

[40:53] Let's do final judgments.

[40:55] Whether this was a good, bad movie,

[40:57] a bad, bad movie.

[40:58] I think Dan's going to surprise us.

[40:59] A movie we kind of like.

[41:00] You know what?

[41:01] Dan, how many times

[41:02] did you cry during the movie?

[41:04] This is my second time

[41:05] seeing Master of Disguise.

[41:07] What?

[41:09] To me, Bear,

[41:10] the first time was

[41:10] at his bachelor party.

[41:14] I'm a bad movie sicko.

[41:15] I didn't think we were going to cover it on the show ever,

[41:18] so I watched it in the past.

[41:19] I do want to point out, like, of the three of us,

[41:21] Dan is the one who watches the most bad movies

[41:24] just for fun, which is crazy.

[41:26] He's in it for the love of the game, guys.

[41:29] He'll sometimes send me a text

[41:30] that just has a little clip of video

[41:32] of whatever he's watching at the moment,

[41:33] and I'll be like, what is going on?

[41:35] Why are you choosing to do this?

[41:36] Why? I'm very busy. I have two children.

[41:39] Oh, hold on. Dan just texted me.

[41:40] I hope he's okay. What's going on?

[41:42] Oh, he's watching some kind of Italian softcore movie.

[41:45] All right, well, okay.

[41:47] Anyway, yeah, I'll finish reading this book to you

[41:49] before you go to bed.

[41:50] Let me just see what Dan's telling me.

[41:52] Some kind of softcore animated movie.

[41:54] Yeah, all right.

[41:58] Let me finish giving the eulogy of this funeral.

[42:02] Oh, what's he watching?

[42:03] I'm pushing someone's chest down, giving them CPR.

[42:05] One, two, three.

[42:07] Oh, my phone buzzed.

[42:07] Let me check what Dan's got to tell me.

[42:09] Oh, okay, he's just watching The Color Knight.

[42:12] Okay, only half of them are some kind of softcore nonsense.

[42:15] But, no, I was shocked to look at my letterbox

[42:19] and be like, wow, I was generous

[42:20] because I was giving it...

[42:22] You gave it four stars out of four?

[42:23] No, I was generous.

[42:26] I was...

[42:26] Another whiff by the Oscars.

[42:29] In my review, I warned of the racism,

[42:32] but I was generous on a, like,

[42:34] this is inexplicable.

[42:35] If you like bad movies,

[42:36] you might enjoy this level of, like,

[42:39] this is truly bizarre that this movie was made.

[42:43] Yeah.

[42:43] And I can only assume I was drunk or stoned watching it again.

[42:49] I'm like, this is awful.

[42:51] I'm having such a bad time.

[42:52] It's a bad, bad movie.

[42:54] That's what I wanted to say.

[42:55] It's really bad.

[42:56] I was looking forward to this one.

[42:59] I think turtle reasons and also a love of Dana Carvey.

[43:04] But I remember the time I was like, this feels like it's...

[43:07] Unfortunately, he had a big gap in his career due to health reasons, which sucks.

[43:11] And I just wish he had something better,

[43:14] but, oh, man, it's just, it's brutal.

[43:16] It's a good movie.

[43:17] Well, I don't want to go out on a limb here.

[43:20] Yeah.

[43:21] Yeah.

[43:22] Master of Disguise, the movie that you are.

[43:24] Yeah, but I also think it was a bad, bad movie.

[43:27] Oh, okay.

[43:28] I will say, if you ask me,

[43:29] did you laugh zero times during this movie,

[43:31] I cannot honestly say no, that I laughed zero times.

[43:34] Hook him up to the lie detector.

[43:36] Yeah, hook me up.

[43:37] All right, okay.

[43:39] But I think the overall feeling you get

[43:42] while you're watching it is it should,

[43:44] the ideal way to watch this movie,

[43:46] the ideal feeling should be like,

[43:47] this is a bunch of silly nonsense.

[43:49] It's just really funny and goofy.

[43:50] It doesn't mean anything, but I'm laughing.

[43:52] And instead of while you're watching it,

[43:53] you are baffled.

[43:54] Yeah, you're just like, what is,

[43:56] like, why is this happening?

[43:57] Like, what's going on here?

[43:59] And there's such a intensity of like,

[44:01] they're really trying to sell it really hard, you know?

[44:04] Yeah.

[44:05] No, it's for children.

[44:06] I would like to leave you with a story I read

[44:07] when I was researching this movie.

[44:09] that the cast of the Nickelodeon show All That,

[44:12] that they apparently were in one of the scenes in the movie

[44:15] as themselves, playing cameos themselves,

[44:18] and they were invited to the premiere of the movie.

[44:20] It was not until attending the premiere and watching the movie

[44:21] that they learned that their scene had been cut from the movie.

[44:25] So it's like, in addition, and then the worst part is

[44:27] they've got to sit and watch the whole movie.

[44:30] So it's not like, oh, I'm going to masturbate.

[44:31] Imagine taking a date or something to be like,

[44:34] I can't wait to impress this person by...

[44:37] uh well we have somehow my grandma did this and she had to watch the whole thing i brought my

[44:42] parents i brought my at my i think this is really what's gonna save my relationship with my dad i

[44:47] think this is when he sees me up there on the screen you know uh we have how'd it go with your

[44:52] parents i'm out of the will why they said why master of disguise oh yeah

[44:57] hi my name is bria grant and i host reading glasses and reading smut and i'm here

[45:06] with MaxFun member of the month, Nick Roy.

[45:09] Thank you so much.

[45:09] What episode would you recommend to a new listener

[45:12] who's just jumping in for the first time?

[45:14] Definitely the one where it's like,

[45:16] let's talk about reading lessons.

[45:18] Because as someone who started listening,

[45:19] what, seven years in,

[45:20] even I was like, oh, that's why we say that.

[45:24] Oh my God.

[45:25] Mallory's going to love that you said that

[45:26] because she really was like,

[45:27] we got to tell people more about ourselves.

[45:29] I'm like, we just talk about ourselves every week.

[45:30] What would you say to other people

[45:32] who are considering supporting Maximum Fun Shows?

[45:36] I would say if you want to keep listening to content that you enjoy and you want to

[45:39] support the creators, I don't know, I just won't get a Starbucks once a week and I'd

[45:43] give you guys 10 bucks a month.

[45:44] Sounds good to me.

[45:45] I love that.

[45:46] And listen to Nick.

[45:47] Nick's a librarian.

[45:48] He knows what he's talking about.

[45:50] Support the shows you love, including this one.

[45:53] Check the show notes for a link or go to MaximumFun.org slash join.

[45:58] Hi there.

[45:59] Sorry to interrupt your podcast listening time.

[46:01] I know you're doing the dishes right now.

[46:02] That's okay.

[46:03] I don't, don't worry about it.

[46:04] You might not know me, but I'm Brenda, and I'm here to tell you about the podcast I host with my good friend Austin.

[46:09] It's called Secret Histories of Nerd Mysteries, and we cover all kinds of pop culture topics.

[46:13] Like, did you know that there was a real-life replica of the Simpsons house in Las Vegas, Nevada?

[46:18] Or that Flint, Michigan was once home to an indoor amusement park themed around the automobile?

[46:22] If those things sound interesting, you should definitely check us out every Tuesday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get podcasts.

[46:29] Goodbye. You can get back to your dishes now. It's fine.

[46:33] Hey, it's Dan here, breaking in just a moment on this live show.

[46:40] I hope you're enjoying it.

[46:41] We had a lot of fun at San Francisco Sketch Fest, as we always do.

[46:46] Thank you to them for having us.

[46:48] But there's some messages, and the first is that this podcast has sponsors.

[46:54] Oh, boy, does it have sponsors.

[46:55] Of course, in large part, the podcast is brought to you by you, the listeners of The Flophouse, who go to MaximumFun.org, become a member.

[47:07] Thank you to all of our supporting members.

[47:10] We can't do it without you.

[47:11] But also, every week we make room for a couple of other sponsors.

[47:15] And in this case, we've got Squarespace.

[47:18] This show is sponsored in part by Squarespace.

[47:22] Our old friends, one of our longest-running sponsors, thank you for sticking with us.

[47:30] And Squarespace, of course, is the service that gives you everything you need to offer your own services and get paid all in one place.

[47:38] You can get that moolah on time with professional on-brand invoices and online payments.

[47:46] Plus, you can streamline your workflow.

[47:48] Oh, brother, do I want my workflow to be streamlined?

[47:53] You can use Squarespace to do it with built-in appointment scheduling and email marketing tools.

[47:59] They've got cutting-edge design.

[48:00] Of course they do.

[48:01] They offer a complete library of professionally designed and award-winning website templates

[48:07] with options for every use and category.

[48:10] They got intuitive drag-and-drop editing to make that site.

[48:13] Beautiful styling options, unrivaled visual design effects, no experience required.

[48:18] You can just go there, check out the tools.

[48:22] It makes it easy on you.

[48:24] So head to squarespace.com slash flop for a free trial.

[48:28] And when you're ready to launch, use offer code FLOP to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[48:39] Just want to take a moment to say that the Flophouse is doing a live show in Louisville this September.

[48:47] If you like this live show, this is your chance to see us live, live, not just listen to us fake live in the past.

[48:56] You can be there in person in Louisville, Kentucky, on Friday, September 18.

[49:02] That's this year, 2026.

[49:04] The doors will open at 7 p.m. for an 8 o'clock show.

[49:07] That is at Whirling Tiger.

[49:10] And we're going to have an intro, some opening from Howl Dottie.

[49:18] You may recognize that name.

[49:20] That is producer Alex, our producer, a brilliant and funny man in his own right.

[49:28] And once he's done, we're going to be discussing the movie Glitter.

[49:34] You know, it's described as a romantic musical drama, getting a lot of genres in there.

[49:40] It's got Mariah Carey.

[49:42] It is from 2001, and it is a legendary flop.

[49:47] You can see us discuss that.

[49:48] You can see us do our presentations.

[49:52] We're going to chat with the audience a bit.

[49:54] We're going to have a lot of fun.

[49:56] So, again, Friday, September 18, that's at Whirling Tiger in Louisville, Kentucky.

[50:02] If you go to FlophousePodcast.com and click on the Events tab, you'll find the information there and a link to buy tickets.

[50:12] That is courtesy of our webmaster, Jeff, who is kind enough to put our upcoming events on the calendar, even when I forget to do it personally.

[50:22] It's right there.

[50:23] I checked.

[50:24] Thank you, Jeff.

[50:25] So we hope to see you there live.

[50:29] and now let us return fake live

[50:33] to us live in San Francisco.

[50:36] We have somehow talked a while

[50:39] about this movie, Master of Disguise,

[50:40] so we don't have all that much time,

[50:42] but we will talk to folks a little bit

[50:45] if you want to.

[50:46] There's a microphone here

[50:48] for any questions or such.

[50:51] Do you have a question,

[50:52] whether about Master of Disguise or other,

[50:55] we will be happy to answer it.

[50:56] I was going to say,

[50:57] don't ask Master of Disguise questions.

[50:58] This is where you and I disagree.

[51:00] We're going to be moving quickly through the questions

[51:01] because we're running somewhat low on time.

[51:04] But we want to hear from you.

[51:05] And I will stop wasting time.

[51:07] First question.

[51:08] Yes, hello.

[51:08] Hi, Jason, last name withheld.

[51:10] Hey, Jason.

[51:10] We watched Sinners last night.

[51:13] You were supposed to watch Master of Disguise.

[51:17] My mistake.

[51:19] They're like the same movie.

[51:20] There's an amazing mid-credit sequence

[51:22] that really sort of changes how you view

[51:23] some of the endings of Sinners.

[51:25] And I can't watch mid-credit sequences anymore

[51:27] without thinking, boy, it's really sad that Stu didn't see this.

[51:30] Yeah.

[51:31] Stu, what is your policy about end credit, mid-credit sequence?

[51:35] Is it literally the moment you see somebody credited for anything,

[51:38] it's just off right there, or is there more to it?

[51:40] Well, that's the thing.

[51:41] I mean, yeah, as soon as a credit rolls, I'm out of there.

[51:45] I close my eyes, I put a pop in the headphones.

[51:48] You said to me it was a principal thing that you do not want to give

[51:50] any sort of credit to anyone who worked on a movie.

[51:53] Yeah, yeah.

[51:54] Best boy, I'll be the downside.

[51:56] The thing is, it breaks the fucking illusion of the movie

[51:59] that people made it.

[52:01] Impossible.

[52:02] I thought they were really sinning.

[52:04] Yeah.

[52:05] I do.

[52:06] I find it very, I was watching Sinners,

[52:08] and I find it very funny that that is in the middle

[52:10] because I'm like, oh, well, this is the end of the movie.

[52:13] Of a great movie, it's an insane choice.

[52:16] Why didn't you see it?

[52:17] But, Stu.

[52:18] I did see that one.

[52:19] I'm sorry.

[52:20] I'm sorry to ruin everybody's.

[52:21] In the theater, do you get up and just leave right away,

[52:25] Or is it only at home that you refuse to speak?

[52:26] It's only at home when I immediately turn it off,

[52:29] and then I go back to scrolling on my phone.

[52:33] I don't want to...

[52:33] Yeah, woo, phone scrolling.

[52:36] I don't want to speak for Stuart,

[52:37] but I think that the not untrue...

[52:40] I'll speak for Stuart.

[52:41] Hey, everybody, there's this game I want to play.

[52:44] You guys read these Gene Wolfe books?

[52:45] There's an image of Stuart of never watching

[52:48] the mid-credit or credit sequences

[52:51] that, like, for Flophouse movies,

[52:54] He's like so angry at the point that the credit starts.

[52:57] He's like, well, I've done my job.

[52:58] Click.

[52:59] Yeah, yeah.

[53:00] Versus like good movies.

[53:00] I've done my entire sentence.

[53:02] I'm on parole now.

[53:03] And it's impossible to scroll ahead to check if there's anything in the credit.

[53:06] So they just don't have the technology for it.

[53:08] Thank you for your question.

[53:08] Thank you.

[53:09] Appreciate it.

[53:10] Next question.

[53:11] Hi, Elizabeth.

[53:12] Last name withheld.

[53:13] Hello.

[53:13] I saw Master of Disguise as a young person in the theater.

[53:16] Oh, boy.

[53:17] And it's the first time I remember looking at my dad and saying, can we leave?

[53:21] And he said, no, we paid for the tickets.

[53:23] Whoa, what a classic dad.

[53:25] He thinks the money is worth more than the time.

[53:29] There's only one thing you get more of

[53:31] and it's not time.

[53:33] But maybe it was time with his daughter.

[53:36] Cats in the cradle.

[53:37] I feel like it's also like a good lesson though too.

[53:41] Yeah, that's true.

[53:41] You're going to eat the whole Master of Disguise.

[53:43] You wanted me to take you this.

[53:45] You're going to smoke the whole box of Master of Disguise.

[53:47] But yes, anyway, so yes, you had to stay.

[53:49] Yep, so what is the first movie you remember

[53:52] thinking, I'd rather not be

[53:54] watching this. I have a very, I think I've talked about this

[53:56] before on the podcast, I have a very strong memory of seeing

[53:58] National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation in the theaters

[54:00] and being like, I don't like

[54:02] this. Am I doing something wrong?

[54:05] Like, am I watching the movie

[54:06] wrong? Because I like movies, but I don't

[54:08] like this one. And my family being like,

[54:10] that was fine. I was like, I don't understand.

[54:12] So, but that's the one for me.

[54:14] I will say that movie, having watched

[54:16] it somewhat recently, or at least parts of it,

[54:18] like, I sympathize with the yuppie

[54:20] characters who live next door so much.

[54:22] Yeah. They're just trying to

[54:24] have a pleasant Christmas. They're stylish.

[54:27] They have glass bricks inside

[54:28] their home. You instantly

[54:30] love them then, yeah. Mine's a weird

[54:32] one because it's not that it was a bad movie

[54:34] at all. It was just like

[54:36] on my... Sinners.

[54:39] It was like

[54:40] one of... Just kidding. It's a great one. That's why I was saying

[54:42] that, yeah. One of my birthdays, you know,

[54:44] I like going to see a movie on my

[54:46] birthday that wasn't anything

[54:47] that really stood out to me

[54:50] But I'm like, oh, The Eye, this Korean horror movie, I hear good things about it.

[54:55] And then we went in and we were watching it.

[54:57] And almost immediately, I'm like, you know what?

[55:00] I don't feel like doing this.

[55:02] And it was more just like, my emotions are not movie right now.

[55:07] Let us go, you know?

[55:09] That was the situation I had when I went to see Jeepers Creepers on September 12th.

[55:13] Yeah.

[55:14] The movie theater in Union Square, where I was then living as a college student.

[55:18] You were living in Union Square?

[55:19] Yeah, I was living in a tent in Union Square.

[55:21] No, I was in a dorm on Union Square.

[55:23] They put these signs up on the door that said,

[55:25] we would like to make this a day at the movies.

[55:27] Take your mind off what happened.

[55:28] Everything's free all day.

[55:30] Free popcorn, whatever.

[55:31] And this friend of mine was like,

[55:32] yeah, I heard Jeepers Creepers is like a good throwback

[55:34] to old-fashioned, you know, creepy movies.

[55:36] And we went and started watching.

[55:37] We got big things of popcorn.

[55:38] And within about 10 minutes, I was like,

[55:39] yeah, I don't think I'm in the right mindset for this.

[55:41] Yeah.

[55:42] Yeah, I just, for my father-in-law's birthday,

[55:44] we took him to Man of Steel.

[55:45] And I spent so much time in the bathroom.

[55:49] he was worried about you thank you thank you for the question all right next question please can't

[55:56] wait to hear it all right uh first name craig last name withheld hello so imagine that nasa

[56:02] is going to make another set of those golden records that they send out into space cool but

[56:06] these ones are going to be bigger so there's space for a good bad movie and they decide that they

[56:12] want to hire you guys to figure out which one it's going to be so they want a good bad movie not the

[56:16] best good bad movie but one that would teach aliens what a good bad movie is what one would

[56:22] you pick gotta be cats right cats oh yeah i feel like gotta be cats i feel like i want i would

[56:28] because i want aliens to be like to experience the feeling of watching cats which is like what is

[56:33] what what is this what but then they can't get the songs out of their head and they don't like

[56:37] those songs they're like aliens are like by the end they'll explain what jellicle means yeah

[56:41] but they actually explain in the opening song the aliens are gonna be like should we invade

[56:47] This kind of, like, is making me scared and confused,

[56:50] but scramble shakes is cool.

[56:53] Call off the invasion.

[56:54] We thought we understood how big or small cats are,

[56:58] but they seem to be able to change their size at will.

[57:03] Emperor Klartok, we cannot invade Earth.

[57:06] Yeah, got to be.

[57:07] Yeah, we should do that right now.

[57:08] Can we do that?

[57:09] Yep.

[57:10] No one's stopping us.

[57:11] Thank you.

[57:12] Thank you for your question.

[57:14] Five minutes.

[57:14] Oh, okay.

[57:15] Five minutes.

[57:15] Oh, right, this is a lightning round.

[57:17] Hello.

[57:18] Vince, last thing withheld,

[57:19] I recently watched the Toxic Avenger remake, reboot.

[57:23] Thoroughly enjoyed it.

[57:24] Surprisingly tasteful.

[57:26] Curious, what trauma film would you choose to remake

[57:28] and what contemporary director would you choose to remake it?

[57:31] Ooh.

[57:32] Do you guys have an answer?

[57:33] I don't know, like, trauma on Juliet.

[57:35] Julie DiCarnoia or something?

[57:37] I want to do a class of Newcomb High,

[57:39] but I don't know who the director would be.

[57:41] I'm not, like, the biggest trauma fan.

[57:43] You know, Von Trier.

[57:45] But it's class of Newcomb High.

[57:47] I really want to get in the mind of those teenagers, yeah.

[57:50] Losing It.

[57:51] Was that a trauma movie?

[57:52] I think it was.

[57:54] I don't think so.

[57:55] I think they released it.

[57:57] Like, there's a bunch of, like, sex comedies

[57:58] that they just acquired and released.

[58:01] And then just added a scene where someone's head explodes?

[58:03] Yeah, exactly.

[58:04] All right, there you go.

[58:05] That's your answer.

[58:05] Lightning round.

[58:06] Okay, thank you.

[58:06] Next one.

[58:08] Robert, last name withheld.

[58:09] In middle school, I had some friends over for a sleepover,

[58:12] and we went to Blockbuster

[58:13] and I picked out

[58:14] Master of Disguise

[58:15] and The Shining.

[58:16] Oh, God.

[58:20] Whiplash.

[58:20] Has there ever been

[58:21] a double feature,

[58:22] whether accidental or not,

[58:23] where they've been thrown

[58:24] into even starker contrast

[58:26] by the juxtaposition?

[58:28] Jeez.

[58:30] That's crazy.

[58:32] I mean, not...

[58:33] I mean, there was...

[58:34] I don't think it's in...

[58:36] I'm trying to think

[58:37] what movie I saw

[58:39] the same day I saw

[58:40] Wallace and Gromit

[58:40] Curse of the Were-Rabbit.

[58:42] Because I saw two movies that day, and one of them was a grown-up movie,

[58:45] and the other was Curse the Were-Bab, but I can't remember which one it was.

[58:48] You know, I'm going to pull a politician trick and answer a question that I can't answer

[58:52] rather than the one that was given, and say, like, it's not about whiplash between double features

[58:58] so much as just, like, just a what-was-I-thinking sort of situation in terms of tones.

[59:05] There was an afternoon in which Audrey was, like, out of the house, and I'm like,

[59:10] you know what, I'm going to watch a movie,

[59:11] but I'm going to watch a good movie for once.

[59:13] I'm not going to watch some garbage.

[59:15] I'm going to watch something on the Criterion channel.

[59:17] I'm going to have a great artistic experience.

[59:19] And I chose to watch Lin Ramsey's Rat Catcher,

[59:22] which is a terrific movie.

[59:24] I love Lin Ramsey, but it starts with child death

[59:27] and does not get more pleasant from there.

[59:30] I'm like, why did I choose this for my afternoon?

[59:33] I remember my girlfriend took a trip out of town,

[59:36] left me home alone, and the double feature I did

[59:38] was Irreversible and E.G. the Killer

[59:41] by myself.

[59:44] I'll tell you when I almost did, but didn't.

[59:47] When I went to see A Simple Plan in the theaters,

[59:49] my dad left the theater, and I didn't know why,

[59:51] and he came back, and he goes,

[59:52] hey, A Bug's Life is just starting in the other theater.

[59:55] And I was like, I know that I'm in the right mood

[59:57] for A Bug's Life.

[59:59] All right, great, thank you.

[59:59] Next question, appreciate it.

[1:00:00] Thanks for coming.

[1:00:01] Thanks, everybody.

[1:00:02] I know we're gonna go over a little bit.

[1:00:04] I apologize.

[1:00:04] Yeah, Peter, last name withheld.

[1:00:06] Congratulations to Elliot on the Ghostbusters gig.

[1:00:08] Oh, thanks very much, yeah.

[1:00:09] Oh, I can't wait to see what you do with it.

[1:00:11] Big part of my childhood.

[1:00:12] So my question is for Dan.

[1:00:13] I'm going to ruin it.

[1:00:15] It'll be great.

[1:00:16] I'm going to love it.

[1:00:17] My question is for Dan and Stuart.

[1:00:19] When and if...

[1:00:20] When...

[1:00:23] Yeah, I love Ghostbusters too, I guess.

[1:00:25] When and if you get your Ghostbusters cameo,

[1:00:28] can you describe your ghost and its personality?

[1:00:31] Thank you.

[1:00:32] Okay, I'm going to be an old-timey cowboy

[1:00:34] who got shot while taking a dump in an outhouse.

[1:00:38] so the character

[1:00:40] in Unforgiven

[1:00:41] that happens

[1:00:42] yeah

[1:00:42] I'm gonna be

[1:00:44] haunting

[1:00:44] like an old

[1:00:45] locker room

[1:00:46] but like

[1:00:46] no one

[1:00:47] it's a

[1:00:50] it's a

[1:00:51] it's a cartoon

[1:00:53] for you know

[1:00:54] like

[1:00:54] no one's gonna

[1:00:55] be there

[1:00:56] it's gonna be

[1:00:56] abandoned

[1:00:57] like it's just

[1:00:58] gonna be like

[1:00:58] a sad man

[1:00:59] being like

[1:01:00] moaning Myrtle

[1:01:00] I thought this was

[1:01:02] I thought this was

[1:01:03] the joy of being

[1:01:04] a ghost

[1:01:04] and then it's gonna be

[1:01:06] so you're a ghost

[1:01:06] that's trying to be

[1:01:07] a pervy creep

[1:01:07] yeah yeah

[1:01:08] Yeah, but cannot because he's incompetent.

[1:01:10] He's incompetent at being pervy.

[1:01:11] All right, on brand.

[1:01:12] All right, thank you.

[1:01:13] Awesome, thanks, guys.

[1:01:14] Thanks.

[1:01:16] Hi, my name's Matt, last name withheld.

[1:01:18] Are you guys going to make it out to Atlanta at any point?

[1:01:21] We've been talking about it for years, but I don't know why.

[1:01:24] Yeah, we'd like to, but we don't have plans yet,

[1:01:26] but we would like to do that.

[1:01:27] And what is the bad movie that you've watched

[1:01:30] that you've had the most fun watching?

[1:01:32] Cats.

[1:01:33] Hate to answer the same thing.

[1:01:34] No, it's true.

[1:01:36] Yeah, it was incredible.

[1:01:38] I think I've said this before, but like, you know, we saw it in the theater together.

[1:01:42] I looked over at Stewart like 10 minutes in, and it was like the scene in The Producers where Springtime for Hitler is sung,

[1:01:50] and they cut to the audience just with their jaws dropped, not saying anything.

[1:01:54] I think runner-up for me was when I was in the audience at the New York premiere of Birdemic, which was also a great experience.

[1:02:00] So, yeah.

[1:02:03] Adam, last name withheld.

[1:02:04] So evidently in the director's commentary for this movie, the director states that Pistachio's big butt fetish was put in the movie as an anti-anorexia message, which is either an extreme lie or someone convincing themselves they made a bad decision for a very good reason.

[1:02:21] So what other time has a filmmaker tried to excuse a bad decision with either an extreme lie or, you know, just a bunch of bullshit?

[1:02:30] I mean, I remember early on we watched Sucker Punch,

[1:02:33] which I feel like it purports to be trying

[1:02:37] to be making this anti-exploitation message

[1:02:40] and be like, this is like the vision

[1:02:43] of a dumb guy's idea of these girls.

[1:02:46] And it's like, yeah, but you just kind of made it, man.

[1:02:49] Like you did the thing.

[1:02:50] It's like you can't do the thing in the movie

[1:02:52] and then just go, not, at the end of it,

[1:02:54] like, that's my message.

[1:02:56] So yeah, I think that's a good answer.

[1:03:00] Hello, Matthew Grieve, last name withheld.

[1:03:02] Since there's a new Star Wars movie coming out this year.

[1:03:05] What?

[1:03:06] You wouldn't like it.

[1:03:07] It's called Star Wars Cantina.

[1:03:08] It's about running a bar in the Star Wars world.

[1:03:10] But I would like that the most.

[1:03:12] Yeah, and I think the hero of it is like a big gamer.

[1:03:16] So yeah, Mandalorian Grogu,

[1:03:18] obviously a young wolf and cub movie.

[1:03:20] So I was wondering what other Star Wars

[1:03:21] or what other Japanese cinema classic

[1:03:24] would you like to see turned into a Star Wars movie?

[1:03:26] What, Hilo?

[1:03:28] Hilo?

[1:03:30] High and low?

[1:03:30] High and low.

[1:03:31] I mean, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

[1:03:34] an Ozu, one of Ozu.

[1:03:35] Yeah.

[1:03:36] Something about, like,

[1:03:37] oh, yeah, House would be

[1:03:38] an amazing one.

[1:03:39] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:03:39] Happiness in the Catacombs.

[1:03:44] Fireworks.

[1:03:46] But, yeah, yeah, I think, uh,

[1:03:47] I think something about,

[1:03:48] about a family.

[1:03:49] Something about a family.

[1:03:50] Yeah.

[1:03:52] Yeah.

[1:03:52] No, you know what,

[1:03:52] you know what, um, was it?

[1:03:54] Drive my car.

[1:03:54] Is it, is it,

[1:03:55] is it Tale of Floating Weeds?

[1:03:57] That's the Ozu one

[1:03:58] about the actors, right?

[1:03:59] I would like to see

[1:03:59] something about an acting troupe in the Star Wars world.

[1:04:01] Oh, that actually would be great. Or a band.

[1:04:03] It's about Max Rebo's band and life on the road,

[1:04:05] you know?

[1:04:07] Mm-hmm. Yeah.

[1:04:12] All right, let's go, let's go. Super fast,

[1:04:13] super fast, super fast. Hello there. Eric, last name

[1:04:15] withheld. When I was a child, I went to a

[1:04:17] test screening of Masters of Disguise.

[1:04:20] Whoa.

[1:04:22] You're not blind.

[1:04:23] You were like, love it, love it, love it.

[1:04:25] Turn that dial all the way.

[1:04:29] More or less.

[1:04:31] As a child, what movie would you have liked

[1:04:33] to have been in a test screening for,

[1:04:35] and what notes would you have possibly given?

[1:04:37] I think I'd be in a test screening for Gremlins 2,

[1:04:39] and I would say no notes.

[1:04:44] Like Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey,

[1:04:46] put more robot Bill and Ted's in it.

[1:04:51] I don't...

[1:04:52] What about Bob?

[1:04:55] Take it easy on him, okay?

[1:04:57] Why is everyone so...

[1:04:58] Yeah, why is this so upsetting and anxiety-provoking?

[1:05:02] I'm not equipped for this.

[1:05:04] It doesn't answer the question.

[1:05:06] That would be your note.

[1:05:07] Yeah.

[1:05:07] What about Bob?

[1:05:08] Yeah.

[1:05:09] I'm afraid, yeah, we do have only time for one more.

[1:05:12] I'm sorry.

[1:05:12] We talked too much about Master of Disguise.

[1:05:15] Somehow we managed to do that.

[1:05:16] So I apologize to everyone who is not on the line.

[1:05:18] Email your answers to danmccoy at dansrealemailaddress.com.

[1:05:24] Hi, Nick, last name withheld.

[1:05:27] My favorite movie growing up was Wizard of Oz.

[1:05:29] Loved it, watched it incessantly.

[1:05:31] It's amazing.

[1:05:31] And my wonderful wife, Caroline Nee, last name withheld.

[1:05:35] Also, we were talking about movies as a child,

[1:05:38] and Master of Disguise came up.

[1:05:41] She loved it.

[1:05:42] I mean, they're kind of the same movie,

[1:05:44] Master of Disguise and Wizard of Oz.

[1:05:45] Any super weird or classic favorite movies

[1:05:48] that you guys had growing up as kids?

[1:05:50] I mean, like Ski Patrol.

[1:05:53] Ski Patrol featuring director Paul Feig

[1:05:56] in an acting role, yeah.

[1:05:57] That's what you liked

[1:05:58] about it as a kid.

[1:05:58] Yeah, yeah.

[1:05:59] I'm like,

[1:06:00] oh, this kid's going places.

[1:06:01] And not in front of the camera.

[1:06:03] I just remember

[1:06:03] that my brother, John,

[1:06:05] insists that I loved

[1:06:06] this animated movie

[1:06:07] Water Babies

[1:06:09] because he's like,

[1:06:11] you love that shit.

[1:06:12] You watch it all the time.

[1:06:13] I'm like,

[1:06:14] John, you don't understand.

[1:06:15] He said this at your wedding.

[1:06:17] That was his toast.

[1:06:18] You love that shit.

[1:06:20] Fuck you.

[1:06:21] Have a good wedding.

[1:06:24] No, no.

[1:06:24] I was like,

[1:06:25] John, you don't understand.

[1:06:26] I was a child.

[1:06:27] I watched it because it was on television.

[1:06:29] I didn't like it.

[1:06:31] But do you ever?

[1:06:33] I don't know.

[1:06:33] I mean, when I was a kid, I was all about the Dark Crystal,

[1:06:35] but that's not like a weird choice.

[1:06:36] That's great, you know?

[1:06:38] It's got like, because I was like,

[1:06:39] finally a movie where it's all monsters, no people.

[1:06:41] And I'll accept two gelflings, which are kind of like people,

[1:06:44] when I have that many monsters.

[1:06:45] And like any movie, any movie where there's a scene

[1:06:48] where the creature characters are just hanging out,

[1:06:50] eating or drinking, I love it.

[1:06:51] Star Wars, Gremlins, Dark Crystal.

[1:06:53] Give me two straight hours of just kind of monsters

[1:06:55] sitting at a table

[1:06:56] just eating stuff

[1:06:56] and hanging out.

[1:06:57] It's like food is life,

[1:06:58] you know?

[1:06:59] Yeah.

[1:07:00] And they eat real messy.

[1:07:02] They eat super messy.

[1:07:03] They got their own

[1:07:03] little silverware

[1:07:04] that they put on

[1:07:04] their fingertips.

[1:07:05] It's amazing.

[1:07:06] That thing tries to run away.

[1:07:07] Uh-oh, I don't think

[1:07:08] you're getting away.

[1:07:08] That Skeksis is going to eat you.

[1:07:10] What a movie.

[1:07:11] I want to watch it now.

[1:07:12] Okay.

[1:07:13] Well, let's get off stage

[1:07:14] and watch it now.

[1:07:16] You've all been great.

[1:07:17] I'll give you two that, Dan.

[1:07:18] Thank you for enduring

[1:07:19] the tale of Patascio Disguise.

[1:07:24] Thank you to Cobbs.

[1:07:26] Thank you to San Francisco Sketch Fest.

[1:07:28] And for the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:07:30] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:07:31] I've been Ellie Kalin.

[1:07:32] Thank you so much for joining us.

[1:07:33] Good night.

[1:07:34] Appreciate it.

[1:07:44] What is that?

[1:07:48] I was popping my booty.

[1:07:51] That's the move that Stuart calls the sexy stink.

[1:07:55] It's good to see you all.

[1:07:57] I mean, although eagle-eyed viewers might have noticed

[1:08:00] a certain stealthy man turned his screensaver off earlier,

[1:08:03] but let's pretend that didn't happen.

[1:08:05] We're the Flophouse. Hello.

[1:08:07] Why are you telling me?

[1:08:08] We're the Flophouse. Hello.

[1:08:12] I'm Dan McCoy.

[1:08:13] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:08:15] I'm Elliot Kalin, the star of the Flophouse.

[1:08:18] Whoa!

[1:08:19] That's right. It's 2026. It's a coup. I'm in charge now.

[1:08:23] The hell, he's going to be so upset.

[1:08:25] This is a podcast about dinosaurs and dinosaur-adjacent topics.

[1:08:29] Fuck.

The Master of Disguise LIVE

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