The Master of Disguise LIVE

Stuart Wellington

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss the Master of Disguise, live from San Francisco Sketchfest!

[0:30] You guys sound ready to rumble, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[0:38] I'm so glad you guys remembered your line.

Dan McCoy

[0:41] Yeah, it was a woo.

Elliott Kalan

[0:44] But they did it better than you just did.

[0:46] Yeah, no, no, no. I mean, they're professionals.

Dan McCoy

[0:50] Yeah, hello. We're the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[0:53] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:54] I'm Elliot Kalin, and we're the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[0:56] Yeah, if you hear no applause on the podcast, it's because they did it already.

[1:01] They did it already, guys. It's not because we're hated.

[1:04] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05] It's not because they're disappointed in the show so far.

[1:08] Surely not.

[1:08] They may very well be, but this is a polite San Francisco audience,

[1:12] and they would applaud should they feel like it was deserved or needed.

[1:16] Mm-hmm.

[1:17] No, no, hold on.

[1:19] Hold on. I'm not fishing for it.

[1:23] But I mean, it's great.

[1:25] Yeah, you appreciate it.

[1:26] It's been a rough week. You could use a little pick.

[1:27] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:27] Yeah, sure.

Dan McCoy

[1:29] So for the show, of course, we wanted to do a legendary flop.

[1:35] Yeah.

[1:35] A bad movie of renown.

[1:36] Of course, we chose a famed 9-11 film, The Master of Disguise.

[1:43] Well, I'm sure we'll talk about that at some point.

Elliott Kalan

[1:44] I mean, the movie was filmed during 9-11, but it does not comment on that event.

[1:49] Maybe we'll talk about the story of whether or not they received the news of that event

[1:53] when Dana Carvey was dressed as a giant turtle.

Dan McCoy

[1:57] But yeah, this is a film starring one Dana Carvey.

[2:01] Of course, you may remember him from Saturday Night Live in the 90s, Wayne's World.

[2:06] When I was a kid growing up, he was like, hands down, my favorite cast member of Saturday Night Live.

Stuart Wellington

[2:12] Oh, me too.

[2:12] For sure.

[2:12] Before I got older and realized it was Phil Hartman.

[2:14] Yes.

[2:15] No offense to Dana Carvey.

Elliott Kalan

[2:15] When you're a kid, you love Dana Carvey.

[2:17] When you get older, it's Phil Hartman.

[2:18] When you get really old, it's Buck Henry from the episodes that he hosted.

[2:24] Specific.

[2:24] I'm not that old yet, though.

Dan McCoy

[2:28] But Elliot.

[2:29] Stuart.

[2:31] Stuart.

[2:31] Wait, Dan, are you okay?

[2:35] Well, you know, I had some conveyor belt sushi.

[2:39] We'll get into that.

Elliott Kalan

[2:41] You realize this is how I'm off my game.

[2:43] I should have turned that into a Master of Disguise joke where I say, no, it's me, Elliot.

[2:47] I just look like Stuart.

[2:48] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[2:49] And then I would move my mouth while you're talking.

[2:51] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[2:52] Stuart, now you're going to take us through the plot such as it is of Master of Disguise.

Stuart Wellington

[2:58] Okay.

[2:59] Yeah, it's like two cards worth.

[3:00] So this movie, I do want to point out that this movie, I think the original cut was an hour and 45 minutes.

[3:06] The version that is available for all normal people to see is 80 minutes long, including two minutes of credits and nine minutes of bloopers.

[3:15] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[3:16] This is a sign that your movie has not worked out.

[3:19] When you are cutting scenes from the movie because they are not as funny as you hoped they would be,

[3:24] you look at the runtime of the movie and you say, this is too short to release in theaters.

[3:27] During the credits, we will run the scenes that we cut out of the movie.

[3:30] Because they were not funny enough to include in the movie.

[3:33] Yeah, and I'm not going to...

[3:34] It's like if you made dinner for somebody and it didn't come out right the first time, so you made it again, but you didn't make enough.

[3:40] So you had to serve the first one that wasn't good enough.

[3:43] Yeah.

[3:43] And the people you're serving it to get food poisoning.

[3:46] Now you got to pay the medical bills.

[3:48] You can't afford it.

[3:49] Now you got to be their butler until they feel like they've paid it off.

[3:52] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[3:53] This is your spec script?

[3:54] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[3:55] It's called food poisoning butler.

Dan McCoy

[3:57] And I'm not going to lay this at the feet of the director.

[4:01] There's plenty of blame to go around.

[4:02] But the director of this, this was his first movie.

[4:06] He was the production designer for a bunch of comedies before this.

[4:09] And it was also his last movie, his director.

Stuart Wellington

[4:12] And this was a Happy Madison production, right?

[4:14] Yes.

[4:14] And I think technically it wasn't financially a flop.

[4:17] I think it made well over its budget.

Elliott Kalan

[4:20] I think it was the number one movie at the box office that year.

[4:22] Yeah, yeah.

[4:23] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[4:24] Stand up and cheer moment.

Elliott Kalan

[4:25] The movie opens in 1979.

[4:26] When the Masters guys entered the Speed Force.

[4:28] It was a big stand up and cheer moment, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[4:30] 1979 Palermo.

[4:32] We are introduced.

[4:33] Oh, what a car.

[4:35] We are introduced to Fabrizio Disguise, a Master of Disguise secret agent who is breaking up a international smuggling operation run by Devlin Bowman.

[4:49] Now, Fabrizio is played by James Brolin.

[4:54] Father of Josh.

[4:55] Yep.

[4:55] Thank you.

[4:56] And husband of Barbara.

[4:58] Yeah.

[4:59] And played Pee Wee.

[5:01] And the smuggling operation is run by this guy Devlin Bowman, who is played, of course, by Brett Spiner.

[5:06] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[5:06] I want to...

[5:06] Branch.

[5:07] I want to...

[5:08] Branch Spiner.

[5:09] Which one is it?

[5:10] His name is Branch Spider.

[5:14] Right off the bat, I want to just say something about the premise of, like,

[5:18] Oh, there's a Master of Disguise.

[5:20] This is a job.

[5:21] This is, like, a Master of Disguise.

[5:23] Inherently, like...

[5:24] I mean, like, I feel like this is the sort of thing that's catniped to a certain type of comedian.

[5:27] It's like, oh, you know, I always wanted to be Peter Sellers when I was a kid.

[5:30] I'm going to, you know, get to go out and do a bunch of voices.

[5:33] Some of them racist.

[5:34] And I will...

[5:36] Does this really have any of those?

[5:37] Yeah.

[5:39] But I do think that there's something, like, funny about the notion, like, oh, this is a job that you can have.

[5:44] Like, you're not a detective.

[5:46] You're not a spy.

[5:47] You're a Master of Disguise.

Elliott Kalan

[5:48] And you don't work for anybody in particular.

[5:51] Like, it's just a family...

[5:52] It's a family tradition to put on disguises and stop criminals.

[5:55] They're like the Kingsmen or something.

[5:56] Yeah.

[5:57] But the movie does not deliver on this.

[5:59] British government, right?

[5:59] Do they?

Stuart Wellington

[6:00] Yeah, the Kingsmen are...

[6:01] I think that's what they're called.

[6:02] The Kingsmen.

[6:02] I'm always like...

[6:03] When I watch one of those movies, I'm always really drunk.

Elliott Kalan

[6:06] I don't think you can blame the movie for that.

[6:09] It reminds me of when I was in high school.

[6:11] There's a friend of mine that I kept talking about, 2001 A Space Odyssey.

[6:14] A friend of mine said, I'll watch that.

[6:15] So I lent her my copy of it.

[6:16] She goes, this movie's boring.

[6:18] I keep falling asleep while I'm watching it.

[6:19] I'm like, that's fair.

[6:20] When are you watching it?

[6:20] I usually start around 11.45 p.m.

[6:23] I'm like, well, this...

[6:24] I think you're halfway, you know, to blame for this.

[6:27] But yeah, so I think you're right, Dan.

[6:28] This is an attempt to make a Peter Sellers-type comedy.

[6:32] Was this before or after Austin Powers had come out?

[6:34] I think it was after.

[6:35] Oh, it was after.

[6:36] This movie came out, I think, shortly, either before or after Goldmember came out.

[6:40] Okay, so because the first Austin Powers is a successful version of,

[6:44] oh, I want to do a Peter Sellers-type movie.

[6:46] Yeah.

[6:47] And this is in...

[6:48] Well, is it a successful version of it?

[6:49] We'll find out.

[6:50] Okay.

[6:50] Tell us more.

Stuart Wellington

[6:51] Okay, so I do want to point out that Fabrizio Disguise does do this stunt

[6:57] while disguised as Bo Derek from 10.

Dan McCoy

[7:01] Playing herself.

[7:02] Bo Derek playing herself.

[7:03] And I believe that she got a Razzie nomination for this, which is crazy

[7:07] because she's just in the movie...

[7:08] It's a cameo.

[7:09] ...for half a second diving out a window as Bo Derek.

Stuart Wellington

[7:11] Do you think it's that shit where they're, like, trying to...

[7:14] They're nominating her in hopes that she's going to show up to the Razzie Awards?

Dan McCoy

[7:17] Almost certainly.

[7:18] And fall in love with the nominators.

[7:20] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[7:21] The nominators?

[7:22] Yeah.

[7:22] That's my new...

[7:22] You don't want to fall in love with one of the denominators.

[7:24] Those guys are evil.

[7:26] Dan, why are you not writing this fucking romance novel?

[7:29] Yeah.

[7:30] Now, this is...

[7:31] Watching this, I did not see this movie when it came out.

[7:33] I apologize.

[7:33] Mea culpa.

[7:34] Mea culpa.

[7:35] I didn't...

[7:35] I wasn't in the theater going, finally, the Disguise family is on the screen.

[7:41] But watching this, I was like, oh, yeah.

[7:43] This was during that period when people thought that children would get references to Ten.

[7:48] The movie about how Dudley Moore really wants to fuck Bo Derek.

[7:51] And the same way there was a period when they were like, you know what kids love?

[7:55] Jokes about Scarface.

[7:57] Kids love that.

[7:59] And this movie has those.

[8:01] So...

[8:01] Yeah, this movie does also have those.

[8:02] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[8:02] So Fabrizio realizes his life is too dangerous.

[8:05] He does not want to pass this on to his son as his father passed down to him.

[8:09] It's time to retire.

[8:12] Fast forward 23 years later, the Bone Temple.

[8:16] Whoa.

[8:18] JK, JK.

[8:18] It's just on my mind.

[8:20] So 23 years later, Fabrizio now owns an Italian restaurant that's located on the street in the Universal Studio Lot.

[8:28] It is one of the fakest cities in the world.

[8:31] It's great because later on, there's a scene where Dana Carvey spends a crazy amount of time doing a Quint impression from Jaws.

[8:39] And the reason is because they shot this shit on the Universal Studios Lot and it's right there.

[8:44] It's in there.

[8:45] I think he's in the Jaws Lake.

Dan McCoy

[8:46] And I'm sure that Dana Carvey's like, yeah, I can do a Quint impression from Jaws.

[8:50] Like, that's a thing I do.

[8:52] Let's put it in the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[8:54] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[8:54] So Fabrizio now owns an Italian restaurant.

[8:57] Wait, no, Dan.

[8:58] I disagree with you.

[8:59] I don't think that's the case.

[9:00] Because, as we'll mention later at the end of the movie, he does a President Bush impression, but it's the wrong President Bush, everybody.

[9:07] He's doing the second one, not the first one that he was famous for doing an impression of.

Stuart Wellington

[9:11] I didn't even notice that because it was just the same impression.

Elliott Kalan

[9:14] Yeah, because the two Bushes sound exactly the same.

[9:15] No, they don't, Dan.

[9:16] What are you talking about?

[9:18] One's like a nerdy Connecticut guy and the other's like a fast-talking Texan guy, you know?

Stuart Wellington

[9:22] Do you think Dana Carvey was like, I can do that shit too.

[9:26] I can do that better than Will Ferrell.

Elliott Kalan

[9:27] I assume, yeah.

[9:28] I gotta show that I'm the master of Bushes.

[9:30] So, 23 years later.

[9:32] Which, yes, one of the lesser-known Metallica albums.

[9:36] It's two hands and they're like, got puppet strings going to a bunch of shrubs.

Stuart Wellington

[9:41] But Bushmaster is like a top-tier snake, right?

Elliott Kalan

[9:44] Yeah, it is a top-tier snake.

[9:45] That's true, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[9:46] So, welcome to the Snake House where we talk about Stewart's favorite snakes.

[9:49] Number one is Bushmaster.

[9:50] Okay, we're done.

[9:51] Okay.

[9:53] So, 23 years later, Fabrizio now owns an Italian restaurant.

[9:56] He's married to Edie McClurg.

[9:59] Which is great.

[9:59] Yeah.

[10:00] And one of the new server, Rex, is of course played by Dan's favorite actor, Jay Johnston.

[10:08] He doesn't like Jay Johnston so much as his interest in overthrowing government.

Elliott Kalan

[10:12] Yeah, his political...

[10:14] This is a former cast member of Mr. Show who was at Congress on January 6th.

[10:18] Yeah.

[10:19] And it was a...

[10:20] And it ran...

[10:20] It was rippled through the comedy community.

[10:22] Wait, is that Jay Johnston?

[10:23] Same back.

[10:23] Mr. Show in those pictures?

Stuart Wellington

[10:24] I mean, it makes the trivia section of IMDb of this movie, which is funny.

Elliott Kalan

[10:30] Okay.

[10:30] I mean, there's not a lot of trivia otherwise to say about the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[10:33] So, at this point, Fabrizio has this Italian restaurant and his son, Pistachio Disguise,

[10:39] the main character of our movie, played by Dana Carvey, who does not know of his master

[10:46] of disguise heritage, but he has this, like, yen, this need to be a master of disguise.

[10:51] He has an obsessive need to mimic other people, which gets him into a little bit of hot water,

Elliott Kalan

[10:56] which is okay, because in an Italian restaurant, you need a lot of hot water.

Dan McCoy

[11:00] There's a lot of boiling of pasta, yeah.

[11:03] No, and this mostly...

Elliott Kalan

[11:04] You don't serve a lot of cold pasta.

Dan McCoy

[11:06] His desire to disguise himself mostly manifests by him putting underwear on his head for some

[11:12] reason.

Elliott Kalan

[11:12] Yeah, that was not clear why that was the case.

Dan McCoy

[11:16] Now, how would you describe this Pistachio Disguise-y character?

[11:19] How would you...

[11:20] Irritating.

[11:21] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[11:22] It is on a scale from...

[11:24] Childlike.

[11:25] On a scale from not irritating, which fictional character would you say is not irritating?

[11:31] You know, um...

[11:32] I mean, most of them.

[11:34] I don't know what you're...

[11:34] Any of them?

[11:35] Any of them.

[11:35] Just pick the least irritating fictional character you're going to have.

[11:37] The least irritating fictional character.

[11:39] Okay, let's say Gregory Peck in Spellbound.

[11:42] Okay, so...

[11:43] To the most...

[11:45] Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's your spec.

[11:46] I guess so.

[11:46] That's your baseline.

[11:47] To your most irritating fictional character, Little Nicky.

[11:50] This is closer on the little Nicky end of the spectrum, you know.

[11:54] I would not believe it if Ingrid Bergman had a romance with Pistachio Disguise-y, but

[11:59] in Spellbound with Gregory Peck, it's very believable.

[12:01] Now, she's his therapist, which is weird that they're having a romance, but again, it's

[12:06] a movie.

[12:06] Don't get worried.

[12:07] Don't worry about it, you know.

[12:08] Wait, this happens in Master Disguise?

Dan McCoy

[12:10] Yes.

[12:10] You did find it very believable, though, when Jennifer Esposito had a romance with Pistachio

[12:15] Disguise-y, though.

Elliott Kalan

[12:16] I also found that not quite believable.

Dan McCoy

[12:18] Not compelling?

[12:19] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[12:19] If only because it is unclear how old Pistachio Disguise he is supposed to be.

[12:23] I don't know if he is 15 or 55.

[12:26] He has the mind of a child, but he has the body of adult Dana Carvey, and so it's unclear

[12:30] what he is.

[12:32] And it's one of those things where, no offense to Dana Carvey, but it's-

[12:35] Who I should say, again, I should say, I'm a big fan of.

[12:38] Again, growing up, Dana Carvey was my favorite member of the SNL cast, but this is not his

Stuart Wellington

[12:43] best friend.

[12:43] In this movie, he has like a child's bowl cut that like, on another actor, I'd be like,

[12:48] this is a specific choice to look childlike, but Dana Carvey has always kind of had that

[12:52] haircut.

Dan McCoy

[12:54] So I don't know.

[12:55] Okay.

[12:55] Yeah, it's a little Ken Burns-y, Dana Carvey's hair.

Elliott Kalan

[12:57] Yeah, Dan, thank you for choosing an example we're all very familiar with.

[13:01] Unlike my spellbound example.

Dan McCoy

[13:02] Oh, like, you're not familiar with Ken Burns.

[13:04] Of all the people that cast stones, Elliot.

[13:07] That's true.

[13:07] That's a good point.

Stuart Wellington

[13:08] Yeah, when you walk by the hair salon-

[13:10] I say, give me the KB.

[13:11] And there's the picture of all the haircuts.

Elliott Kalan

[13:13] Well, I say, give me the Burns.

[13:14] And they point to his brother, Rick Burns.

[13:15] No, no, no.

[13:16] I want the Ken Burns.

[13:18] Point to Ed Burns.

[13:20] Why is he there?

[13:21] Yeah, yeah.

[13:21] He's a man with hair.

[13:22] Why not?

[13:23] I don't understand.

[13:23] Ed Burns?

[13:23] Yeah.

[13:24] What is it?

[13:24] If Kojak was up there, I'd be like, why is he there?

[13:25] Go back to your wife, Tony.

[13:27] If you walked into a hair place and it was like, Vin Diesel, Telly Savalas.

[13:32] I'd be like, I don't understand.

[13:33] Charles S. Dutton.

[13:33] Why are these people up on the wall?

[13:36] Professor X.

[13:38] Why are they on the wall of the barbershop?

[13:42] Oh, they all came here.

[13:43] I see.

[13:43] That's why.

[13:44] Yeah.

[13:44] These are autographed photos.

Dan McCoy

[13:47] Yeah.

[13:48] Thanks.

[13:48] Best hair, best head shave in town.

[13:51] X.

[13:52] Thanks for the shine.

Stuart Wellington

[13:53] That's how Patrick Stewart signs.

[13:55] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[13:57] It was just a character, Professor X.

[14:00] Oh, cool.

[14:00] It was very awkward.

[14:02] Professor X and Malcolm X both had a reservation at the same restaurant.

[14:05] The tables got mixed up.

[14:07] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[14:08] Okay.

[14:08] So Pistachio's parents are kidnapped.

Elliott Kalan

[14:11] They are kidnapped by-

[14:13] Thank you, sir, for continuing before I could try to do that scene.

Stuart Wellington

[14:16] So his parents are kidnapped by what we will learn to be the henchmen of a recently released

[14:22] from prison, Devlin Bowman, again, played by-

[14:24] Data.

[14:25] Brett?

[14:25] Brent.

[14:26] Brett.

[14:27] Brent.

[14:27] No.

[14:27] Brent.

[14:28] Brent.

Elliott Kalan

[14:29] Okay, if you say so.

[14:31] You would remember him best from the movie Out to Sea with Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon.

Stuart Wellington

[14:36] I would remember that.

[14:36] Yeah.

[14:37] So his parents are kidnapped.

[14:38] He is, his life is turned upside down.

[14:42] And he is-

[14:42] When he becomes a fresh prince of Belair.

[14:44] Yeah.

[14:44] His home is also turned upside down as well.

[14:47] It's ransacked.

[14:48] And he doesn't know what to do with himself.

[14:50] Luckily, his grandfather arrives and explains to him that he has, as part of this long lineage

[14:57] of masters of disguise.

[14:59] This grandfather starts to teach him the ways.

[15:02] He explains the legacy, that they are this line of secret agents who don't, again, work

[15:07] for anyone and mainly use their disguise powers to stop people from stealing things.

Elliott Kalan

[15:12] Yes, as they have done throughout history.

[15:13] We see some-

[15:14] What's the historical example we see?

Stuart Wellington

[15:16] I kind of don't remember.

[15:17] It's like some-

[15:17] I don't know, somebody stealing the Mona Lisa or some shit.

Elliott Kalan

[15:19] Because there's one in the credits, too, that clearly they shot for the film.

[15:23] Like somebody dressed up like a fake statue or something.

[15:25] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[15:26] It's unclear how, you know, ability to disguise would be the best way to, like, keep people

[15:32] from stealing things rather than, like-

[15:33] And also, like, people over property, dude.

[15:36] Who cares?

[15:36] Being the world's best lockmaker or something.

Elliott Kalan

[15:41] That was in Master Lock of Disguise.

[15:42] Yeah.

[15:43] Yeah, yeah.

[15:43] Yeah.

[15:44] So he explains a lot of this using the disguise-

[15:46] That's one for the people who know brands of lock.

Stuart Wellington

[15:50] He explains a lot of this using the disguise-

[15:52] Name another one.

Elliott Kalan

[15:55] Lock buddy?

[15:58] Probably.

[16:00] Oh, phew.

[16:01] That was close.

[16:03] Every time I can't answer a question Dan asks me, I lose an hour of life.

[16:09] So weird deal we made.

[16:10] Yeah.

[16:13] But every time I get one right, I get one French fry.

Stuart Wellington

[16:17] Which Dan feeds you in baby bird style.

[16:20] Yep.

[16:24] Dan would like to demonstrate that right now.

[16:26] No, I'm sorry.

[16:28] So he explains-

[16:30] The grandfather explains-

[16:31] Who's the grandfather played by?

Elliott Kalan

[16:32] I don't know.

[16:33] Okay.

[16:34] I'll look it up.

[16:34] Perfect.

[16:35] He's an actor who's in a lot of things.

[16:37] You know, I won't look it up.

[16:38] An actor who's in a lot of things.

[16:39] He looks like a-

Dan McCoy

[16:40] You in the audience.

[16:40] You in the audience or at home can do this work.

[16:42] He looks like a less nutty version of the guy from, you know, Tim Robinson.

[16:48] I think he should leave.

Elliott Kalan

[16:49] Like, the wheel shouldn't fly out the-

[16:52] He's not the actor-

[16:53] That guy is crushing it, buddy.

[16:53] He's not the actor who plays Uncle Leo on Seinfeld, but he has a lot in common with the actor who plays Uncle Leo on Seinfeld.

Stuart Wellington

[16:58] Yeah.

[16:59] If you squint, you think it's Uncle Leo.

[17:01] Yeah.

[17:01] Okay.

[17:01] So, he explains a lot of this using this pop-up book that will explain the pistachio legacy.

[17:08] They start their training.

[17:10] He shows them the magical, like, hidey hole that his father used to hide all his disguise stuff.

[17:16] They call it, what, the nest?

[17:17] It's like, this is his nest.

[17:19] They start training.

[17:20] There's a training dummy that's this wooden, like, fight dummy that they slap a lot.

[17:26] There's a lot of slapping.

Elliott Kalan

[17:27] Yeah.

[17:27] And their main weapon, they don't punch.

[17:29] They slap and say-

Dan McCoy

[17:30] They slap and say, who's your daddy?

[17:32] Yes.

[17:32] That's because it is dispiriting to the enemy to have, who's your daddy said to you as your beast left.

[17:37] And hilarious.

Elliott Kalan

[17:38] Unless you're from Indiana, in which case, a who's your daddy is either what you are or what you have.

[17:42] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[17:42] Is that true, Stuart?

[17:43] Is that true?

[17:44] Yeah.

[17:45] Can we fact check this in real time?

[17:46] Is that true?

[17:47] Yeah.

[17:47] No, you're right.

[17:48] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[17:50] Yeah, I'm from Indiana.

[17:51] I get it.

[17:51] Yeah.

[17:52] Because that's what they call him there.

[17:54] Yeah.

[17:54] Because of the love of who's.

[17:57] Everybody's who's.

[17:58] Nobody really knows where the name comes from.

[18:00] I mean, it's.

Dan McCoy

[18:01] Yeah.

[18:02] Yeah.

[18:02] There's some apocryphal stories.

[18:04] You know.

[18:04] So grandpa's got to leave.

[18:05] What's one of them, Dan?

Elliott Kalan

[18:06] Well, it's like, who's there?

[18:10] Like, if you go to the door, it's like, who's your?

[18:12] I don't know how you'd know.

[18:13] I find it hard to believe that there is a region where people's way of saying who's there is so distinctive that it becomes the word used to describe the people from that region.

[18:22] I'm not making any claims for its veracity.

[18:25] You said to me, and I quote, and once you read back the record, you said, if this is not true, I will swallow an entire ghost pepper.

Dan McCoy

[18:34] Feels kind of weird.

[18:35] Yeah, it's fair.

[18:36] I'll do it after the show.

Elliott Kalan

[18:37] So grandpa leaves.

[18:38] No, you said dot, dot, dot in front of everybody at the show.

Dan McCoy

[18:43] All right.

[18:44] We'll do it during the questions.

[18:45] We'll do it during the questions.

[18:45] Dot, dot, dot before the questions.

[18:47] Oh, no.

Stuart Wellington

[18:49] So grandpa leaves because the pop-up book says grandpa has to leave.

[18:53] But first they have to hire him an assistant because every master of disguise has an assistant who often falls in love with him, which feels like a sentence in this case.

[19:04] In walks Jennifer Esposito, playing a character named Jennifer, luckily.

Elliott Kalan

[19:08] And she is the mother of a little boy who Pistachio has already met earlier in the film.

[19:13] And this little boy's only characteristic is he is bad at skateboarding.

[19:16] Yeah.

[19:16] And was constantly falling off of his skateboarding.

Dan McCoy

[19:18] Well, he's just there so like a Pistachio disguise he can show some positive trait in that he is good with the child.

Stuart Wellington

[19:26] Yeah.

[19:26] Because in many ways he is a child himself.

[19:29] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[19:29] But now that Jennifer Esposito showed up, I want to say.

[19:32] Oh, is she here?

Stuart Wellington

[19:33] Jennifer, come on up.

[19:33] Hey.

[19:34] Jennifer.

[19:35] Hey.

Elliott Kalan

[19:35] Jenny.

[19:36] Espo.

Dan McCoy

[19:38] Espo.

[19:38] The seat.

[19:39] Come on up.

[19:41] J.E.

[19:43] No, I like faint praise.

[19:46] There are a couple of people in this movie that I at least enjoy what they're trying to do.

[19:51] Like Jennifer Esposito, I think, succeeds by being the character in this movie filled with irritating people who, like, is a normal human being.

[20:00] Like, why is this happening?

[20:02] But, like, with a certain pleasantness and joy.

Elliott Kalan

[20:05] I think she is.

[20:05] She's very charismatic in the movie.

[20:07] Aside from the scene where she's supposed to show sexual interest in pistachio disguise-y.

[20:12] Which I think would stretch the limits of any thespian's abilities.

[20:17] Sir Larry Olivier himself, I think, would struggle with the scene.

[20:21] Dame Judi Dench, I think, would have trouble communicating that.

[20:24] I think she does come off really likable.

[20:25] Yeah, she's likable.

Dan McCoy

[20:26] And I want to give laurels as well to Brent Spiner, who I think, despite being saddled with, like, a joke where he has to fart all the time.

Elliott Kalan

[20:34] Maybe this is the first time that joke happened, I laughed at it.

[20:36] Yeah.

[20:37] His characteristic is that when he laughs maniacally at something, it causes him to fart.

[20:42] And then he gets a look on his face like he's really upset that that happens.

[20:45] And he's annoyed by it.

Stuart Wellington

[20:46] They always allow this fart to hang in the air.

[20:48] Yes.

[20:49] A pregnant pause.

[20:50] As farts are wont to do.

Elliott Kalan

[20:51] And the first time it happened, I genuinely didn't expect it.

[20:54] And I laughed at it.

[20:55] But it happens every single scene.

[20:57] It happens, like, seven or eight more times.

Dan McCoy

[20:58] But the level of commitment and dignity Brent Spiner brings to this farting villain, I respect a great deal.

Elliott Kalan

[21:07] Only, I mean, I have to assume that he was just so happy to play a character who can pass gas after playing a robot for so many years.

[21:13] Incapable.

Dan McCoy

[21:13] Who famously have to hold it.

[21:15] Yeah, yeah, to hold it.

Elliott Kalan

[21:17] Yeah.

[21:17] Well, that's that song you want to know when to hold it.

[21:19] That's about playing data.

[21:21] Yeah.

[21:21] Being an android.

[21:23] Yeah.

[21:23] Meanwhile, Brett Spiner makes...

Stuart Wellington

[21:27] Brett.

[21:28] Wait.

[21:30] I'll call him by his character name.

[21:32] Devlin Bowman makes Fabrizio Disguisee become a master of disguise again to steal him rare items using his wife's safety to hold it over his head.

[21:46] He has put Fabrizio's wife in a...

[21:50] He has drugged her and put her in a kitchen to make her think that she's making Italian food.

[21:55] And he keeps threatening to have somebody kill her, I guess.

[21:58] And he keeps giving her drugs to make her think she's in this world.

[22:01] Which I'm like, that sounds great.

Elliott Kalan

[22:03] It's like caramel popcorn or something like that.

[22:04] Yeah.

[22:05] Okay.

[22:06] Yes, it makes...

[22:07] I mean, the villain...

[22:07] He's a bad guy.

[22:08] I don't think we have to like what he's doing.

Dan McCoy

[22:10] And...

[22:11] No, I'm pro.

[22:12] I'm pro trapping Eddie McGlarshan.

[22:15] Pro trapping and drugging Eddie McGlarshan.

Elliott Kalan

[22:17] But as long as...

[22:18] I mean, she just thinks she's cooking, you know.

[22:19] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[22:21] Okay.

[22:21] So we find...

[22:23] Jennifer Esposito finds...

[22:24] She does all the work here, by the way.

[22:25] Yes, she does all the detective work.

[22:27] So she finds a clue.

[22:28] She finds one of Devlin's cigars.

[22:31] And it leads her to the Turtle Club.

[22:34] Oh, boy.

[22:34] A famous cigar club.

[22:35] Oh, boy.

[22:35] That's located, again, I'm guessing, in the Universal Studio lot.

[22:39] Yes.

[22:40] No.

[22:40] So this is the Turtle Club.

[22:41] This, of course, was the moment where I didn't need the entire seat anymore.

[22:46] I was only on the edge.

Elliott Kalan

[22:47] If you know anything about Master of Disguise, then you know about the turtle scene.

[22:54] Yeah.

[22:55] And this is the one now...

[22:56] Because the only thing I knew about Master of Disguise before watching it was the turtle scene.

Dan McCoy

[23:02] The legend about it is this was being shot...

Elliott Kalan

[23:05] Well, that Curly had some gold.

[23:06] Shot on...

[23:07] Billy Crystal had to go get it.

Dan McCoy

[23:08] Oh, the legend of Curly's gold.

[23:10] We don't have time to get into that.

[23:12] I think I just told you.

[23:14] The legend is that this was shot...

[23:16] The scene was shot on 9-11.

[23:18] The movie, Master of Disguise, was in pre-production on 9-11.

[23:22] What actually happened, and this is confirmed by Dana Carvey, is that there was a moment of silence for the victims of 9-11, like about a week later, while he was in the turtle costume.

[23:34] Yes.

[23:36] And he's just like, he was kind of taken off guard, like, oh, we're doing this now?

[23:40] Like, well, I'm a turtle?

[23:42] Okay.

[23:44] So he was in that.

Elliott Kalan

[23:45] So imagine that.

[23:47] Dana Carvey, as a turtle man.

[23:49] Bowing his head in mournful silence after the greatest tragedy in American history.

[23:56] So at this point, we see...

[23:57] Even greater than an American tragedy by Theodore Dreiser.

[24:00] And that's an American...

[24:01] Anyway, forget it.

[24:03] I instantly heard the lack of interest in the work of Theodore Dreiser.

[24:07] I'm not going to make any jokes about Sister Carrie.

[24:09] Don't worry about it.

Stuart Wellington

[24:10] So this is where we kind of learn...

Elliott Kalan

[24:11] I'm not going to make any jokes about Jenny Earhart.

[24:13] I'm just not going to talk about them.

[24:15] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[24:15] No, we're not going to...

[24:15] So this is kind of where we learn the limits of Pistachio's understanding of his role.

[24:20] Because they're going to the turtle club...

[24:22] Because he realizes he can't stop 9-11 using the powers of disguise?

[24:26] Yeah.

[24:27] I mean, what's the fucking point of having this secret master disguise organization if they can't stop it?

Elliott Kalan

[24:32] It reminds me of...

[24:33] There's the one issue of Amazing Spider-Man.

[24:35] That was their 9-11 tribute issue.

[24:37] And it was one of those things...

[24:38] Their hearts were in the right place.

[24:40] That they're going to do a tribute issue.

[24:41] It was one of those things where it was like,

[24:42] Well, don't the heroes of the Marvel Universe stop this kind of stuff all the time?

[24:45] Yeah.

[24:45] They do this all the time and they have Dr. Doom show up and he's crying.

[24:48] And it was like, you do worse stuff than this, Dr. Doom.

[24:50] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[24:52] Yeah, it's like finding out that the Transformers were running around during World War II and you're like,

[24:56] What the fuck were they doing?

Elliott Kalan

[24:58] Oh, I'm really busy with...

[25:00] Or the Eternals.

[25:00] Stop...

[25:01] Yeah, stop disguising yourself, guys.

[25:03] What were they disguising themselves as during World War II?

[25:05] Because, like, we didn't have big rig trucks or VW bugs.

Dan McCoy

[25:08] And by the way, they're the true masters of disguise.

Elliott Kalan

[25:10] The Transformers.

[25:10] Tell me about it.

[25:12] You think it's a normal car.

[25:13] You get in it, suddenly you're inside a robot.

[25:15] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[25:15] What the fuck?

[25:16] I didn't think this.

Stuart Wellington

[25:16] You think you're getting in a car, but it's just some guy who can talk to you.

[25:23] It's fucking crazy.

[25:24] But he's like a big guy.

[25:25] He can still carry you where you want to go.

Dan McCoy

[25:26] Yeah, this is pretty cool, but I got to be at work.

[25:28] Could you...

Stuart Wellington

[25:29] But, like, are you inside his body or is he, like, curled up around you?

[25:35] Do you get smashed when he transforms?

[25:37] Yeah, I mean, I have to...

[25:39] Yeah, can you see his food while you're in there?

Elliott Kalan

[25:43] What is he eating?

[25:44] Yeah, what does the Transformers eat?

[25:45] Okay, so...

[25:46] Do they ever seen any...

[25:48] I haven't seen all the Transformers movies.

[25:50] They have one where a guy thinks he's just bought a car,

[25:51] and then turns into a robot and walks away, and he goes,

[25:53] that's going to affect the blue book value.

[25:55] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[25:57] Because Hollywood, if that scene doesn't exist, sign me up.

[26:00] Yeah, it's called...

Dan McCoy

[26:01] It's a mad, mad, mad, mad Transformer.

Elliott Kalan

[26:03] Dan, do not tempt me with the greatest assignment I could ever receive as a writer.

[26:09] No, you're talking about a turtle club.

[26:11] All the biggest comedy stars of the era in one movie, finally.

[26:15] Don Knotts gets into a car, starts driving away, turns into a robot.

[26:18] Oh, what's going on here?

[26:20] I've heard of a man turning into a fish, but a car and a robot?

[26:25] So that was Don Knotts losing his faith in the line.

[26:28] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[26:30] It's like, oh, I've got to talk to whoever wrote this.

Elliott Kalan

[26:32] This is not the best I've ever done.

Dan McCoy

[26:34] That was Don Knotts losing his voice.

[26:36] Yeah, yeah, of course.

[26:37] Because he was walking off stage.

[26:38] It's like, now I can drop the...

Elliott Kalan

[26:40] Do you think when he gets off stage, he'll be like, oh, no, I'm Mr. Chicken.

[26:43] All right, quitting time.

Dan McCoy

[26:44] Yeah, I'm imagining it's like a nutty professor sort of situation where he becomes very suave.

[26:49] Dan, a Nazi professor.

[26:51] What?

Elliott Kalan

[26:51] Because it's on Knotts.

[26:52] Wait a minute.

[26:52] Hold on a second.

[26:53] Oh, God.

Dan McCoy

[26:53] But he's fighting the Nazis and the incredible Mr. Lumpet as a fish.

Elliott Kalan

[26:57] Yeah, but, okay, hold on.

[26:59] Let's do it.

[27:00] I think we're going to have to parse this a little bit.

[27:02] Stuart Turtles, you're talking about...

[27:05] What?

[27:06] Oh, yeah, the turtle.

[27:07] So he goes to the Turtle Club.

[27:08] What's the disguise?

[27:09] Sorry, I was thinking about Warhammer guys.

[27:12] Okay, so they're in the Turtle Club.

[27:13] So this is a high society cigar smoking club.

[27:16] What is the disguise he chooses?

[27:16] It's just named the Turtle Club.

Stuart Wellington

[27:18] Yeah, it's called the Turtle Club, but he takes it literally, and he shows up as like a half-man,

[27:22] half-human turtle hybrid.

[27:23] Yes.

[27:25] He probably...

[27:26] He says the word turtle a lot.

[27:27] He probably knows ninjutsu.

[27:29] And I remember as a child...

[27:30] We don't know his stance on pizza.

Dan McCoy

[27:32] Yeah.

[27:33] You're like seeing this...

[27:34] Like, this was heavily featured in the commercials.

Elliott Kalan

[27:35] As a child?

[27:36] Because they knew...

[27:37] Dan, you were not a child when this movie came out.

[27:40] I think you were in college when this movie came out.

Dan McCoy

[27:43] Time has lost all meaning.

[27:46] When I was younger...

[27:47] Oh, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[27:47] You weren't even in college.

[27:48] You had graduated college at that point.

[27:51] 2002?

[27:52] Oh, yeah.

[27:52] This is 2002?

[27:53] Dan, you were applying for social security at that point.

S7

[27:57] Cats in the cradle in the silver.

Elliott Kalan

[28:01] I just remember...

[28:01] Now, it's all a montage of scenes from Master of Disguise as Cats in the Cradle.

[28:05] There's so much movie left.

[28:06] Okay.

[28:07] I just remember...

[28:08] I just remember seeing this in the ads.

[28:11] I love how Stuart bragged about how few note cards he had to go through.

Dan McCoy

[28:15] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[28:15] So, you saw the Turtle Man in the ads.

Dan McCoy

[28:17] You saw the ads and, like, I think that I was not alone in being like, oh, chuckling at the Turtle Man.

[28:22] The Turtle Man...

[28:23] I think you were alone.

[28:24] They knew that that was what they had.

[28:26] Yes.

[28:26] Was, like, him acting like a Turtle Man, you know, saying, like, am I not turtley enough for the Turtle Club?

[28:32] Turtle, turtle, turtle.

[28:33] That kind of stuff.

[28:33] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[28:34] But not since Kangaroo Jack has an advertising campaign so misidentified the main thing the movie is about.

Stuart Wellington

[28:41] Yeah.

[28:42] There's not a lot of plots, true.

[28:43] We can do...

[28:43] No, of course not.

[28:44] So, meanwhile, Bowman is having...

[28:46] Devlin Bowman is having Fabrizio steal things.

[28:49] This is a great opportunity to feature a bunch of celebrity cameos.

[28:53] You have, like, Jessica Simpson.

[28:54] You have Governor Jesse Ventura.

[28:57] Yeah.

[28:57] You have someone else who's...

[29:01] A third person.

[29:01] Michael Johnson, right?

[29:02] The fastest man in the world all the time.

[29:03] Yes, that's true.

[29:04] And they're mainly situations where these celebrities show up and people just give them rare items and they run away with them.

Elliott Kalan

[29:11] They're not the most intricate skeeves.

[29:14] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[29:15] Okay.

[29:16] So, at the Turtle Club, they have a lead on Bowman.

[29:20] They realize he's going to be in an antique fair, so they go to an antique fair.

[29:24] This is where Bowman meets Jennifer and falls in love and invites her to a house party at his house.

[29:29] Meanwhile, Pistachio is doing different disguises and basically being annoying, but that doesn't matter at all.

Elliott Kalan

[29:34] No, every disguise he puts on is an active obstacle to their plan.

[29:39] And they're not...

[29:39] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[29:39] It feels kind of Marx Brothers-y, where they're like, here's what we have to do.

[29:43] So, what can we do to screw up our own plan as best as possible?

[29:46] That's what he's doing.

[29:46] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[29:47] So, then we go to this house party, but I feel like this is where he starts to come to get...

[29:51] Like, Pistachio's thing starts to work because his job is to be a disruption to...

Elliott Kalan

[29:56] Yeah, he's going to distract while Esposito goes around.

[29:59] So, he decides to show up as Tony Montana.

Stuart Wellington

[30:01] As Tony Montana for the kids.

[30:03] And he does a lot of yelling.

[30:05] And then he does a lot of dancing, which is kind of great.

[30:07] You know, there's some good dancing in there.

[30:08] Yeah.

[30:09] Jennifer Esposito sneaks into the house and, like, I don't know, finds some stuff.

[30:13] I don't quite remember.

Elliott Kalan

[30:13] I'm just realizing now, because I think my memory had erased it.

[30:16] We didn't talk at all about, in his training, how he successfully becomes a master disguise

[30:21] by doing a racist kind of Indian accent for a long time.

Stuart Wellington

[30:23] Oh, yeah.

[30:24] Weird that I didn't bring that up.

Elliott Kalan

[30:27] Well, I mean, I do think it's a...

[30:28] My worry is that the listeners will hear this and be like,

[30:30] no, they didn't mention that.

[30:30] I guess they think it's okay.

Dan McCoy

[30:32] Oh, you're right.

[30:33] Or the listeners will think, like, oh, this sounds like a wacky romp.

[30:36] I like bad movies.

[30:37] I'll watch this.

[30:38] There's nothing very racist in it, I'm sure.

Stuart Wellington

[30:41] Yeah, it's really bad.

[30:43] And, yeah, so during his...

[30:44] I guess we'll talk about it.

[30:46] No, we don't have to talk about it.

[30:47] I just want to just acknowledge it.

[30:48] When he...

[30:49] His first chance to, like, the way...

[30:51] When he finally crystallized, when everything works out, he transforms...

Elliott Kalan

[30:54] What's the name of the special energy that they have that they tap into?

Stuart Wellington

[30:58] Energico.

[30:58] Energico, yeah.

[30:59] Yeah.

[31:00] It's in my brain forever now.

[31:03] Energico.

[31:04] So he taps into it.

[31:05] He becomes a racist caricature of an Indian man playing a...

[31:11] A snake charming flute.

[31:13] And he plays, like, a Kenny G song, and then he and the fake snake, like, kiss and hug.

[31:18] The snake doesn't do much hugging.

[31:19] He has no arms.

Dan McCoy

[31:21] I guess you can constrict as a snake.

[31:23] You can't really...

[31:24] Yeah, that's a hug.

[31:24] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[31:25] But that was a cobra, which is not a constrictor.

[31:27] No.

[31:28] No, that's a venomous snake.

[31:29] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[31:30] Okay.

[31:30] Also, uh...

[31:32] So I guess the implication is that...

[31:33] We're back at the fucking snake house.

Dan McCoy

[31:36] If you're looking for things to avoid in Master of Disguise, there's also gay panic as Pissachio.

[31:43] From a movie from 2002, Dan?

[31:45] Pissachio, of course, loves big butts on women.

[31:49] There's a lot of unfunny stuff where he's like, oh, Jennifer S. Mazzu's butt isn't big enough.

[31:52] Yeah, for Dan, big butts are deadly serious business.

[31:56] Well, it's all because, like, E.D. McClurg has a big butt, so it's all tied into his mom adoration.

[32:03] But there's a part where...

[32:04] I mean, that's what Sigmund Freud would say, yeah.

[32:06] I mean, it's expressly said in this movie.

[32:09] There's a part where Pissachio and his grandfather are ogling a big butt on the street and are so alarmed

[32:14] that it turns out to be a man's butt that their ice cream cones fly into their mouths.

[32:20] And then the scene stops.

[32:22] As if the movie for once realized, like, oh, we shouldn't be doing this.

Elliott Kalan

[32:26] The thing is, all of this big butt stuff is setting up an important climactic scene that was cut from the movie

[32:31] and then inserted into the end credits as a blooper scene.

[32:35] That's what you're writing, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[32:37] Yeah, so somewhere in there, like, Pissachio does more disguises.

[32:41] He rescues Jennifer briefly by being, like, a suave English gentleman character.

[32:47] And, you know, they follow all the clues.

[32:49] They figure out what's going on.

[32:51] Jennifer gets kidnapped again.

[32:52] So Pissachio has to speak to his grandfather in a magic crystal ball.

Dan McCoy

[32:57] Which is a very weird scene because I'm like, could they not get this actor back in the same space?

[33:02] No, I think they did.

Elliott Kalan

[33:03] So one of the producers on this movie is Dino Stamatopoulos.

[33:06] Yeah.

[33:06] Who's a really good comedy writer.

[33:08] Yeah.

[33:08] And there are times when the movie gets weird suddenly.

[33:11] And I'm like, I bet this was a Dino Stamatopoulos joke.

[33:13] Yeah.

[33:14] So I think the idea of him having a magic crystal ball that his grandfather projects out of, like, a hologram is just like, let's do something weird at this moment.

[33:21] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[33:21] So Pissachio figures out he can sneak into Devlin's home as a giant cherry pie and he runs around as a cherry pie man.

Elliott Kalan

[33:27] This is one of the most frightening visuals you ever see in any movie.

[33:32] I feel like the flip side of the Turtle Man coin is this him as, like, an ambulatory inside of a cherry pie.

[33:39] And it is terrifying.

[33:41] It looks like all of his skin has been pulled off of his body.

[33:44] It's horrifying.

Stuart Wellington

[33:45] Yeah, he looks like there's a character in, what was that horror TV show that was just covered in teeth?

[33:51] It's kind of like that.

[33:52] Oh, the Channel Zero show.

[33:53] Tooth Body.

[33:54] Yeah, Tooth Body is his name.

[33:56] Dr. Teeth from the Electrum Man.

[33:58] So as much as that, you know, when you're sitting alone at night and you're staring off into the, you know, maybe staring into the moon, making a wish, and you're like, I wish I could just meet a guy made out of cherries.

[34:08] Well, that's kind of what it looks like.

Elliott Kalan

[34:10] Wait, so hold on.

[34:12] That.

[34:14] I'm just saying what everybody else is thinking.

[34:16] I feel like that description didn't really get across anything other than what it is.

[34:22] All right.

[34:24] It's horrifying.

[34:25] It's really horrifying.

Stuart Wellington

[34:25] You know, when you're thinking about the Fruit of the Loom gang and you're like, why is the cherry guy like one big cherry?

[34:31] Shouldn't he just be a bunch of little cherries?

[34:33] Yeah, because the grapes of the bunch of grapes is a bunch of grapes.

Elliott Kalan

[34:36] So that makes sense.

[34:36] Yeah.

[34:37] Okay.

[34:39] Whatever happened to the Fruit of the Loom guys?

[34:40] Somebody ate one?

[34:41] I don't see them on TV anymore.

Dan McCoy

[34:43] They got work on a hat.

[34:44] Now they're all on a hat together.

[34:46] Oh, that's great.

[34:46] That's great.

Stuart Wellington

[34:47] Okay.

[34:48] So he sneaks in as a pie.

[34:48] They're moving up the body.

[34:49] That's good.

[34:50] Yeah.

[34:51] So he sneaks in as a pie and then he tries to disguise himself to find his dad.

[34:55] And then they catch him.

[34:57] And then he does a bunch of martial arts moves and he fights a bunch of evil martial artists.

[35:02] Very briefly.

[35:02] He mainly does some flips.

[35:04] And then he has a showdown with what he initially thinks is the bad guy, Bowman, played by Brett Spiner.

[35:13] But it turns out that that's actually his dad with a Brett Spiner mask glued to it.

[35:18] And then they have like a fight kind of until he convinces his dad to like rip the mask off.

[35:22] He puts underwear on his head.

[35:24] He does.

Elliott Kalan

[35:24] Which reminds his dad about what he was like as a kid.

[35:27] Meanwhile.

[35:28] And it breaks out of his programming.

[35:29] Meanwhile.

[35:29] It's just like in the Manchurian Candidate.

[35:31] It's exactly like that.

Stuart Wellington

[35:32] Meanwhile, the mom reveals that she has not been actually taking the drugs and she could free herself at any point and defeats the guy who was going to kill her.

[35:42] Which is cool, I guess.

[35:43] Why didn't she do that earlier?

[35:46] And then Pistachio marries Jennifer Esposito.

Dan McCoy

[35:50] Sentenced to a life of being Pistachio's wife.

[35:54] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[35:55] And then all three disguises go to Costa Rica to disguise as George W. Bush.

Dan McCoy

[36:01] You're like falling into depression as you describe what happened in this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[36:08] The more you read.

[36:08] This George W. Bush thing is like, what the fuck?

[36:11] Like, he didn't need to do it.

[36:11] It was topical at the time.

[36:12] He was president at the time.

Dan McCoy

[36:14] Yes, it would be like crazy if he just showed up to a pool party.

[36:18] But I mean like this.

[36:19] I mean the movie.

[36:19] It's also like a suit.

[36:21] He's wearing a suit.

[36:22] Yeah.

[36:22] Not a bathing suit.

[36:24] It also is like the movie got tired.

[36:26] You sound like you're tired.

[36:27] It's also like the movie got tired.

[36:29] Because it ends and it's like.

[36:31] Oh yeah, we didn't quite like tie everything up.

[36:33] I guess we didn't really like catch the bad guys.

[36:35] Let's have like an extra scene where we just like do it really fast.

[36:36] So like all the disguises are there.

Stuart Wellington

[36:38] And they're like in costumes.

[36:39] And they push him in a pool.

[36:39] Yeah.

[36:39] And they push him in a pool.

[36:40] And I'm like, I guess that's enough.

Dan McCoy

[36:41] And he farts from below the water.

Elliott Kalan

[36:43] He does fart below the water.

[36:46] That's a great.

[36:48] That's his character trait.

[36:49] That's a great thriller suspense movie.

Dan McCoy

[36:50] Fart below the water.

Stuart Wellington

[36:51] And Stuart, what are the credits like?

Dan McCoy

[36:54] What are the credits of this movie like?

Stuart Wellington

[36:56] Before I get to the credits, I do want to mention that there are like three different theme songs to this movie.

[37:02] Yes.

[37:02] Talking about specific plot points.

Elliott Kalan

[37:04] This is the most bespoke soundtrack outside of a musical I have ever seen.

[37:09] There are so many songs about the master disguise in different styles.

[37:14] They thought this was going to be the single most successful character in the history of fictional anything.

[37:20] Storytelling.

[37:20] Like we're going to need a shit ton of songs.

[37:23] Because there's the hot fun hundred.

[37:25] We need a hundred songs to fill it up.

Dan McCoy

[37:27] But like none good.

[37:29] They're all like, he's a master of disguise.

[37:32] Yeah.

[37:32] Master of disguise.

Stuart Wellington

[37:33] I mean, this podcast doesn't review music dance.

[37:36] We can't really.

Dan McCoy

[37:37] Sorry, I strayed from.

Stuart Wellington

[37:39] I did notice there was a trivia point that because Dana Carvey says some of the lyrics from Papa Dope preach,

[37:46] they had to pay Madonna $17,000.

[37:49] I mean, that's not.

[37:51] Half the budget, I assume.

Elliott Kalan

[37:52] That's pretty standard, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[37:54] But like, it was a net, like, it's not like it furthered the plot.

Elliott Kalan

[37:59] That's true.

[37:59] But it was a hilarious joke.

[38:01] Yeah, you're right.

[38:01] A reference to things that kids of 2002 knew and loved.

[38:05] Papa don't preach.

Stuart Wellington

[38:06] Okay, so the movie wraps up and you're like, I guess it's time to get out of here.

[38:10] It's only, we've been at this for 71 minutes already.

[38:13] Oh, no, no.

[38:14] You've got nine minutes of bloopers.

Elliott Kalan

[38:15] Time to pour a lie into my eyes and ears to cleanse that.

Stuart Wellington

[38:19] So you get to see like James Rowland dancing a little.

[38:21] That's cool.

Elliott Kalan

[38:22] No, he is not.

[38:23] They do, they, some of it is my least favorite thing in the history of cinema.

[38:28] End credits were all the cast dances to the song that's playing.

[38:31] Don't like it.

[38:32] Don't like it.

Dan McCoy

[38:32] But most of it is stuff that was.

[38:35] But most of it is scenes that were cut from the movie.

[38:36] So.

[38:36] Clearly cut from the longer version of the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[38:39] You start seeing scenes where he's in a different disguise that you didn't see in the movie.

[38:42] And I was like, what is this?

[38:43] Yeah.

[38:44] But he's talking to Brent Spiner.

[38:45] I'm like, well, I don't understand.

[38:46] This didn't happen.

Stuart Wellington

[38:47] Did I black out?

[38:48] And then it ends with him like fighting the guy.

[38:53] Fighting a little man.

[38:54] Yeah.

[38:54] The guy who was hiding inside the wooden sparring dummy the whole time.

[38:59] Yeah.

[39:00] And he just keeps saying slap over and over and slapping Dana Carvey.

[39:05] And then they chase each other around.

[39:07] They run around the hill style.

Dan McCoy

[39:08] And then later on, they're just like enjoying a little drink together.

Elliott Kalan

[39:11] And they're just sitting and talking to the camera.

[39:13] But like this character just showed up.

Dan McCoy

[39:16] It really.

[39:16] No, he's our favorite character, Stuart.

[39:18] It mean kind of this point.

[39:20] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[39:21] He does have a charisma the rest of the characters don't have.

[39:23] He's dressed like Super Mario, right?

Elliott Kalan

[39:24] You know?

Stuart Wellington

[39:25] Yeah, because he's like a little bald guy with a mustache.

[39:27] And it is so clear that they are.

[39:29] Which Mario, if he takes his hat off, is bald, right?

[39:31] Is that the canon?

[39:32] I mean, let's go to the barbershop and see if his picture's up there.

Elliott Kalan

[39:35] It is so clear that they are running out the clock on this movie.

[39:39] And they're like, all right, how much have we gone?

[39:41] Oh, okay, need another 45 seconds?

[39:42] Just sit and talk, Dana.

[39:43] It's all right.

Dan McCoy

[39:44] This is a case where like because this is all stuff that clearly like,

[39:48] okay, we cut this whole scene.

[39:49] We cut this whole scene.

[39:50] But we got to put something in there.

[39:52] Like it really makes you sit and think like,

[39:55] okay, so the stuff they kept was the good stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[39:59] Some of it is Dana Carvey doing other impressions.

[40:02] Like he does an impression of Russell Crowe in Gladiator.

[40:05] And all those impressions clearly have the same background.

[40:07] So it feels like they were like, we got to just shoot some extra stuff.

[40:10] Like we got to just put on different costumes and say different things.

Stuart Wellington

[40:13] And it's like not even that good of a Russell Crowe in Gladiator impression.

[40:16] It's like, I mean, the Quint stuff goes on way too long.

Elliott Kalan

[40:20] Oh yeah, there is a part where he also,

[40:21] he escapes by being disguised as Quint from Jaws.

[40:23] That does go on for a long time.

Dan McCoy

[40:25] But also like with no jokes,

[40:26] he's just doing straight lines that Quint has in Jaws.

Elliott Kalan

[40:30] And then the joke is, it's the reference.

[40:32] And then he just starts kind of making gibberish sounds, right?

[40:34] You know?

[40:35] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[40:35] New England gibberish.

Elliott Kalan

[40:37] It's the thing that everyone knows about Quint from Jaws,

[40:39] which is that he is incomprehensible and you cannot understand what he's saying.

Dan McCoy

[40:44] Yeah, yeah, that kind of stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[40:45] Just like in Jaws, he's like,

Stuart Wellington

[40:46] I think time's running out on the old master of the skies here.

[40:53] Why don't we do final judgments?

[40:54] Let's do final judgments.

Dan McCoy

[40:55] Whether this was a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie.

Elliott Kalan

[40:58] I think Dan's going to surprise us all.

[40:59] A movie we're kind of like, you know what?

[41:01] Dan, how many times did you cry during the movie?

Dan McCoy

[41:04] Here's my second time seeing Master of Disguise.

Elliott Kalan

[41:07] What?

[41:07] Well, the first time, to be fair, the first time was at his bachelor party.

Dan McCoy

[41:14] I'm a bad movie sicko.

[41:15] I didn't think we were going to cover it on the show ever.

[41:18] So I watched it in the past.

Stuart Wellington

[41:19] I do want to point out, like, of the three of us,

[41:21] Dan is the one who watches the most bad movies just for fun.

[41:24] Just for fun, yeah.

[41:25] Which is crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[41:26] He will sometimes.

[41:27] He's in it for the love of the game, guys.

[41:28] He'll sometimes send me a text that just has a little clip of video

[41:32] of whatever he's watching at the moment,

[41:33] and I'll be like, what is going on?

[41:35] Why are you choosing to do this?

[41:36] Why?

Dan McCoy

[41:36] I'm very busy.

[41:37] I have two children.

Elliott Kalan

[41:39] Hold on.

[41:39] Dan just texted me.

[41:40] I hope he's okay.

[41:41] What's going on?

[41:42] Oh, he's watching some kind of Italian softcore movie.

[41:45] All right.

[41:46] Okay.

[41:47] Anyway, yeah, I'll finish reading this book to you before you go to bed.

[41:50] Let me just see what Dan's telling me.

[41:52] Some kind of softcore animated movie.

[41:54] All right.

Stuart Wellington

[41:56] Yeah.

[41:57] Yeah, yeah.

[41:58] Let me finish giving the eulogy at this funeral.

Elliott Kalan

[42:02] Oh, what's he watching?

[42:03] I'm pushing someone's chest down, giving them seabirds.

[42:05] One, two, three.

[42:07] Oh, my phone buzzed.

[42:07] Let me check, but Dan's got to tell me.

[42:10] Oh, okay.

[42:10] He's just watching The Color Night.

[42:12] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[42:12] Only half of them are some kind of softcore nonsense.

[42:15] But, no, I was shocked to look at my letterbox and be like,

[42:19] wow, I was generous because I was giving it.

Elliott Kalan

[42:22] You gave it four stars out of four.

[42:23] No, I was generous.

Dan McCoy

[42:26] I was.

[42:26] Another whiff by the Oscars.

[42:28] In my review, I warned of the racism, but I was generous on a, like, this is inexplicable.

[42:35] If you like bad movies, you might enjoy this level of, like, this is truly bizarre that this movie was made.

[42:43] Yeah.

[42:43] And I can only assume I was drunk or stoned watching it again.

[42:49] I'm like, this is awful.

[42:51] I'm having such a bad time.

[42:52] I'm having such a bad time.

[42:52] It's a bad, bad movie.

[42:53] That's what I wanted to say.

[42:55] What do you...

Stuart Wellington

[42:55] It's really bad.

[42:56] I was, you know, I was looking forward to this one.

[42:59] I think turtle reasons and, uh...

[43:02] And also a love of Dana Carvey.

[43:04] But I remember the time I was like, this feels like it's...

[43:07] Unfortunately, he had a big gap in his career due to health reasons, which sucks.

[43:11] And I just wish he had been...

[43:13] He had something better, but, oh man, it's just...

[43:15] It's brutal.

[43:16] It's a good movie.

Elliott Kalan

[43:17] Well, I don't want to go out on a limb here.

[43:20] Yeah.

[43:21] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[43:21] But I...

[43:22] Master Disguise, the movie that you are.

Elliott Kalan

[43:24] Yeah.

[43:24] But I also think it was a bad, bad movie.

[43:27] Oh, okay.

[43:28] I will say...

[43:28] I will...

[43:28] If you ask me, did you laugh zero times during this movie?

[43:31] I cannot honestly say no, that I laughed zero times.

[43:34] Yeah.

[43:34] But I feel like...

[43:35] Hook him up to the lie detector.

[43:36] Yeah.

[43:37] Hook me up.

[43:37] All right.

[43:38] Okay.

[43:39] But I think the overall feeling you get while you're watching it is it should...

[43:44] The ideal way to watch this movie, the ideal feeling should be like, this is a bunch of

[43:48] silly nonsense.

[43:49] It's just really funny and goofy.

[43:50] It doesn't mean anything, but I'm laughing.

[43:52] And instead of while you're watching it, you are baffled.

[43:54] Yeah.

[43:54] You're just like, what is...

[43:56] Like, why is this happening?

[43:57] Like, what's going on here?

[43:59] And there's such a intensity of like, they're really trying to sell it really hard.

[44:04] You know?

[44:04] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[44:05] No, it's for children.

Elliott Kalan

[44:06] I just leave you with a story I read when I was researching this movie.

[44:09] Yeah.

[44:09] Uh-huh.

[44:09] That the cast of the Nickelodeon show All That, that they apparently were in one of

[44:14] the scenes in the movie as themselves, playing cameos themselves, and they were invited to

[44:18] the premiere of the movie.

[44:20] It was not until attending the premiere and watching the movie that they learned that their

[44:22] scene had been cut from the movie.

[44:25] So it's like, in addition...

[44:26] And then, the worst part is they got to sit and watch the whole movie.

[44:29] Like...

[44:29] So like, it's not like...

Stuart Wellington

[44:31] Like, imagine taking like a date or something to be like, I can't wait to impress this person

[44:35] by...

[44:36] Uh, well...

[44:38] We have somehow...

[44:39] Took my grandma out of this, and she had to watch the whole thing.

Elliott Kalan

[44:42] I brought my parents.

[44:43] I brought my...

[44:44] I think this is really what's going to save my relationship with my dad.

[44:47] I think this is when he sees me up there on the screen, you know?

Dan McCoy

[44:50] Uh, we have some...

[44:51] How'd it go with your parents?

[44:52] I'm out of the will.

Elliott Kalan

[44:54] Why'd they say...

[44:54] Why?

[44:55] Master of Disguise.

[44:56] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[44:57] Hi, my name is Bria Grant, and I host Reading Glasses and Reading Smut.

S4

[45:06] And I'm here with MaxFun member of the month, Nick Roy.

[45:09] Thank you so much.

[45:09] What episode would you recommend to a new listener who's just jumping in for the first time?

S5

[45:14] Um, definitely the one where it's like, let's talk about reading glasses.

[45:17] Because as someone who started listening, what, seven years in?

[45:20] Even I was like, oh, that's why we say that.

S4

[45:24] Oh, my God.

[45:25] Mallory's going to love that you said that, because she really was like,

[45:27] we got to tell people more about ourselves.

[45:28] I'm like, we just talk about ourselves every week.

[45:30] What would you say to other people who are considering supporting Maximum Fun Shows?

S5

[45:35] I would say if you want to keep listening to content that you enjoy,

[45:38] and you want to support the creators,

[45:40] oh, no, I just won't get a Starbucks once a week,

[45:42] and I'd give you guys $10 a month.

[45:44] Sounds good to me.

S4

[45:45] I love that.

[45:46] And listen to Nick.

[45:47] Nick's a librarian.

[45:48] He knows what he's talking about, so.

S8

[45:50] Support the shows you love, including this one.

[45:53] Check the show notes for a link or go to MaximumFun.org slash join.

S6

[45:58] Hi there.

[45:59] Sorry to interrupt your podcast listening time.

[46:01] I know you're doing the dishes right now.

[46:02] That's okay.

[46:03] I don't, don't worry about it.

[46:04] You might not know me, but I'm Brenda,

[46:06] and I'm here to tell you about the podcast I host with my good friend Austin.

[46:09] It's called Secret Histories of Nerd Mysteries,

[46:11] and we cover all kinds of pop culture topics.

[46:13] Like, did you know that there was a real-life replica of The Simpsons' house in Las

[46:16] Vegas, Nevada?

[46:18] Or that Flint, Michigan was once home to an indoor amusement park themed around the automobile?

[46:22] If those things sound interesting, you should definitely check us out every Tuesday on Maximum Fun,

[46:27] or wherever you get podcasts.

[46:29] Goodbye.

[46:29] You can get back to your dishes now.

[46:31] It's fine.

S7

[46:33] Hey, it's Dan here, breaking in just a moment on this live show.

[46:40] I hope you're enjoying it.

[46:41] We had a lot of fun at San Francisco Sketch Fest, as we always do.

[46:46] Thank you to them for having us.

[46:48] But there's some messages.

[46:50] And the first is that this podcast has sponsors.

[46:54] Oh, boy, does it have sponsors.

[46:55] Of course, in large part, the podcast is brought to you by you,

[47:01] the listeners of The Flophouse, who go to MaximumFun.org, become a member.

[47:07] Thank you to all of our supporting members.

[47:10] We can't do it without you.

[47:11] But also, every week we make room for a couple of other sponsors.

[47:15] And in this case, we've got Squarespace.

[47:18] This show is sponsored in part by Squarespace.

[47:22] Our old friends, one of our longest-running sponsors,

[47:26] thank you for sticking with us.

[47:30] And Squarespace, of course, is the service that gives you everything you need

[47:34] to offer your own services and get paid all in one place.

[47:38] You can get that moolah on time with professional on-brand invoices

[47:44] and online payments.

[47:46] Plus, you can streamline your workflow.

[47:48] Oh, brother, do I want my workflow to be streamlined?

[47:53] You can use Squarespace to do it with built-in appointment scheduling

[47:56] and email marketing tools.

[47:59] They've got cutting-edge design.

[48:00] Of course, they do.

[48:01] They offer a complete library of professionally designed

[48:05] and award-winning website templates with options for every use and category.

[48:10] They've got intuitive drag-and-drop editing to make that site,

[48:13] beautiful styling options, unrivaled visual design effects,

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[48:18] You can just go there, check out the tools.

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[48:24] So head to squarespace.com slash flop for a free trial.

[48:29] And when you're ready to launch,

[48:30] use offer code flop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[48:39] Just want to take a moment to say that the Flophouse is doing a live show in Louisville this September.

[48:47] If you like this live show, this is your chance to see us live, live.

[48:52] Not just listen to us fake live in the past.

[48:56] You can be there in person in Louisville, Kentucky on Friday, September 18.

[49:02] That's this year, 2026.

[49:04] The doors will open at 7 p.m. for an 8 o'clock show.

[49:07] That is at Whirling Tiger.

[49:10] And we're going to have an intro, some opening from Howell Doughty.

[49:18] You may recognize that name.

[49:20] That is producer Alex, our producer.

[49:22] A brilliant and funny man in his own right.

[49:28] And once he's done, we're going to be discussing the movie Glitter.

[49:33] You know, it's described as a romantic musical drama.

[49:38] Getting a lot of genres in there.

[49:40] It's got Mariah Carey.

[49:42] It is from 2001.

[49:45] And it is a legendary flop.

[49:47] You can see us discuss that.

[49:48] You can see us do our presentations.

[49:52] We're going to chat with the audience a bit.

[49:54] We're going to have a lot of fun.

[49:56] So, again, Friday, September 18.

[49:59] That's at Whirling Tiger in Louisville, Kentucky.

[50:02] If you go to flophousepodcast.com and click on the events tab,

[50:09] you'll find the information there and a link to buy tickets.

[50:12] That is courtesy of our webmaster, Jeff,

[50:14] who is kind enough to put our upcoming events on the calendar,

[50:19] even when I forget to do it personally.

[50:22] It's right there.

[50:23] I checked.

[50:24] Thank you, Jeff.

[50:25] So, we hope to see you there live.

[50:29] And now, let us return fake live to us live in San Francisco.

Dan McCoy

[50:36] We have somehow talked a while about this movie, Master of Disguise,

[50:40] so we don't have all that much time, but we will talk to folks a little bit if you want to.

Elliott Kalan

[50:46] There's a microphone here for any questions or such.

[50:51] Do you have a question, whether about Master of Disguise or other?

[50:54] We will be happy to answer it.

Stuart Wellington

[50:56] I was going to say, don't ask Master of Disguise questions, please.

Elliott Kalan

[50:58] Oh, wow.

[50:58] This is where you and I disagree.

[51:00] We're going to be moving quickly through the questions because we're running somewhat low on time,

[51:04] but we want to hear from you, and I will stop wasting time.

[51:07] First question.

[51:08] Yes.

[51:08] Hello.

S8

[51:08] Jason, last name withheld.

[51:10] Hey, Jason.

[51:10] We watched Sinners last night, and I'm watching...

[51:14] You're supposed to watch Master of Disguise.

[51:17] My mistake.

[51:19] They like the same movie.

[51:20] There's an amazing mid-credit sequence that really sort of changes how you view some of the endings of Sinners,

[51:24] and I can't watch mid-credit sequences anymore without thinking,

[51:28] boy, it's really sad that Stu didn't see this.

[51:30] Yeah.

[51:31] Stu, what is your policy about end-credit, mid-credit sequences?

[51:35] Is it literally the moment you see somebody credited for anything, it's just off right there,

[51:39] or is there more to it?

[51:40] Well, that's the thing.

Stuart Wellington

[51:41] I mean...

[51:42] Yeah, as soon as the credit rolls, I'm out of there.

[51:45] I close my eyes.

[51:46] I put it popping the headphones.

Elliott Kalan

[51:48] You said to me it was a principal thing that you do not want to give any sort of credit to anyone who worked on a movie.

[51:53] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[51:54] Best boy?

[51:55] I'll be the downside back.

Stuart Wellington

[51:56] The thing is, it breaks the fucking illusion of the movie that people made it?

[52:01] Impossible.

Elliott Kalan

[52:02] I thought they were really sinning.

[52:04] Yeah.

[52:05] I do.

[52:06] I find it very...

[52:07] I was watching Sinners, and I find it very funny that that is in the middle, because I'm like,

[52:10] Oh, well, this is the end of the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[52:13] Of a great movie, it's an insane choice.

[52:16] What?

[52:16] Do you see it?

[52:17] But Stu...

[52:18] I did see that one.

[52:19] I'm sorry.

S8

[52:20] I'm sorry to ruin everybody's...

[52:21] In the theater, do you get up and just leave right away, or is it only at home that you refuse to do?

Stuart Wellington

[52:26] It's only at home when I immediately turn it off, and then I go back to scrolling on my phone.

[52:32] Yeah.

[52:32] I don't want to...

[52:33] I don't want to...

[52:34] Yeah, woo!

[52:35] Phone scrolling.

Dan McCoy

[52:36] I don't want to speak for Stuart, but I think that the not untrue...

Elliott Kalan

[52:40] I'll speak for Stuart.

[52:41] Hey, everybody, there's this game of Hot Playout.

[52:43] Oh, wow.

Elliott Kalan

[52:44] You guys read these Gene Wolfe books?

Dan McCoy

[52:45] This image of Stuart of never watching the mid-credit or credit sequences that, like, for Flophouse movies, he's, like, so angry at the point that the credit starts.

[52:57] He's, like, well, I've done my job.

[52:58] Click.

[52:59] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[53:00] Versus, like, good movies.

[53:00] I've done my entire sentence.

Stuart Wellington

[53:02] I'm on parole now.

Elliott Kalan

[53:03] And it's impossible to scroll ahead to check if there's anything in the credits.

[53:06] They just don't have the technology for it.

[53:08] Thank you for your question.

[53:08] Thank you.

[53:09] Appreciate it.

[53:10] Next question.

S9

[53:11] Hi, Elizabeth.

[53:12] Last name withheld.

[53:13] Hello.

[53:13] I saw Master of Disguise as a young person in the theater.

[53:16] Oh, boy.

[53:17] And it's the first time I remember looking at my dad and saying, can we leave?

[53:21] And he said, no, we paid for the tickets.

Elliott Kalan

[53:23] Whoa, what a classic dad.

[53:25] He thinks the money is worth more than the time.

[53:29] There's only one thing you get more of, and it's not time.

Dan McCoy

[53:32] But maybe it was time with his daughter.

[53:36] Cats in the cradle.

Stuart Wellington

[53:37] I feel like it's also, like, a good lesson, though, too.

[53:41] Yeah, that's true.

[53:41] You're going to eat the whole Master of Disguise.

Elliott Kalan

[53:43] You wanted me to take you this.

[53:45] You're going to smoke the whole box of Master of Disguise.

[53:47] But yes, anyway, so, yes, you had to stay.

[53:49] Yep.

[53:50] Under duress.

S9

[53:50] So what is the first movie you remember thinking, I'd rather not be watching this?

Elliott Kalan

[53:55] I have a very, I think I've talked about this before on the podcast.

[53:57] I have a very strong memory of seeing National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation in the theaters

[54:00] and being like, I don't like this.

[54:03] Am I doing something wrong?

[54:04] Like, am I watching the movie wrong?

[54:07] Because I like movies, but I don't like this one.

[54:09] And my family being like, that was fine.

[54:11] I was like, I don't understand.

[54:12] So, but that's the one for me.

Stuart Wellington

[54:14] I will say that movie, having watched it somewhat recently, or at least parts of it,

[54:18] like, I sympathize with the yuppie characters who live next door so much.

[54:22] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[54:23] They're just trying to have a pleasant Christmas.

Stuart Wellington

[54:25] They're stylish.

[54:26] They have glass bricks inside their home.

[54:30] You instantly love them then, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[54:31] Mine's a weird one because it's not that it was a bad movie at all.

[54:35] Like, it was just like, on my...

[54:38] What?

[54:38] Sinners.

Elliott Kalan

[54:39] It was like one of...

[54:40] Just kidding.

[54:41] It's a great one.

[54:42] That's why I was saying that, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[54:43] One of my birthdays, you know, I like going to see a movie on my birthday.

[54:47] There wasn't anything, like, that really, like, stood out to me.

[54:50] But I'm like, oh, The Eye, this Korean horror movie, I hear good things about it.

[54:55] And then we went in and we were watching it, and almost immediately I'm like, you know what?

[55:00] I don't feel like doing this.

[55:02] And it was more just like, my emotions are not movie right now.

[55:07] Let us go, you know?

Elliott Kalan

[55:09] That was the situation I had when I went to see Jeepers Creepers on September 12th.

[55:13] Yeah.

[55:14] When the movie theater in Union Square, where I was then living as a college student, they said...

[55:19] You were living in Union Square?

[55:20] Yeah, I was living in a tent in Union Square.

[55:21] No, I was in a dorm on Union Square.

[55:23] They said, they put these signs up on the door that said, we would like to make this a day at the movies.

[55:27] Take your mind off what happened.

[55:28] Everything's free all day.

[55:30] Free popcorn, whatever.

[55:31] And this friend of mine was like, yeah, I heard Jeepers Creepers is like a good throwback to old-fashioned, you know, creepy movies.

[55:36] And we went and started watching it.

[55:37] We got big things of popcorn.

[55:38] And within about 10 minutes, I was like, yeah, I don't think I'm in the right mindset for this.

[55:40] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[55:42] Yeah, I just, for my father-in-law's birthday, we took him to Man of Steel.

[55:45] And I spent so much time in the bathroom.

Dan McCoy

[55:50] He was worried about you.

[55:52] Thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[55:53] Thank you for the question.

[55:54] All right.

[55:55] Next question, please.

[55:56] Can't wait to hear it.

Dan McCoy

[55:58] All right.

[55:58] First name Craig, last name withheld.

Stuart Wellington

[56:00] Hello.

[56:01] So imagine that NASA is going to make another set of those golden records that they send out into space.

[56:06] Cool.

[56:06] But these ones are going to be bigger.

[56:07] So there's space for a good, bad movie.

[56:11] And they decide that they want to hire you guys to figure out which one it's going to be.

[56:14] So they want a good, bad movie.

[56:16] Not the best good, bad movie, but one that would teach aliens what a good, bad movie is.

[56:21] What one would you pick?

Elliott Kalan

[56:22] It's got to be cats, right?

[56:23] Cats.

[56:23] Oh, yeah.

[56:25] I'd be like...

[56:26] It's got to be cats.

[56:26] I'd be like...

[56:27] I would...

[56:28] Because I want aliens to be like...

[56:30] To experience the feeling of watching cats, which is like, what is...

[56:33] What?

[56:33] What is this?

[56:34] What?

[56:35] But then they can't get the songs out of their head, and they don't like those songs.

[56:38] They can't get...

Stuart Wellington

[56:38] The aliens are like...

[56:39] By the end, they'll explain what Jellicle means.

Dan McCoy

[56:41] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[56:42] But they actually explain it in the opening song.

Dan McCoy

[56:44] The aliens are going to be like, should we invade?

[56:47] This kind of, like, is making me scared and confused, but...

[56:51] Scamble shakes is cool.

Elliott Kalan

[56:53] Call off the invasion.

[56:54] We thought we understood how big or small cats are.

[56:58] But they seem to be able to change their size at will.

[57:03] Emperor Clark talk.

[57:04] We cannot invade Earth.

[57:05] Yeah.

[57:06] Gotta be.

[57:07] Yeah, we should do that right now.

[57:08] Can we do that?

[57:09] Yep.

[57:09] Okay.

[57:10] No one's stopping us.

[57:11] Thank you.

[57:12] Thank you for your question.

[57:13] You have about five minutes.

[57:15] Oh, okay.

[57:15] Five minutes.

[57:15] All right.

[57:16] This is a lightning round.

[57:17] Hello.

Dan McCoy

[57:18] Vince, last name withheld.

[57:19] I recently watched the Toxic Avenger remake reboot.

Elliott Kalan

[57:23] Thoroughly enjoyed it.

[57:24] It's surprisingly tasteful.

[57:26] Curious, what trauma film would you choose to remake, and what contemporary director would

[57:29] you choose to remake it?

Stuart Wellington

[57:31] Ooh.

[57:32] What do you guys have an answer?

[57:33] Like, Tromeo and Juliet.

[57:35] Juliet de Carnoia or something.

Elliott Kalan

[57:37] I want to do a Class of Newcomb High, but I don't know who the director would be.

[57:41] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[57:42] I'm not, like, the biggest trauma fan.

Elliott Kalan

[57:43] You know Von Trier.

[57:44] But it's Class of Newcomb High.

[57:47] I really want to get in the mind of those teenagers.

[57:48] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[57:50] Losing It.

[57:51] Was that a trauma movie?

[57:52] I think it was.

[57:52] Yeah.

[57:54] I don't think so.

[57:55] I think they released it.

[57:57] Like, there's a bunch of, like, sex comedies that they just acquired and released.

Elliott Kalan

[58:01] And then just added a scene where someone's head explodes?

[58:03] Yeah, exactly.

[58:04] All right.

[58:04] There you go.

[58:05] That's your answer.

[58:05] Lightning round.

[58:06] Okay.

[58:06] Thank you.

[58:06] Next one.

Stuart Wellington

[58:08] Robert, last name, withheld.

[58:09] In middle school, I had some friends over for a sleepover.

[58:12] And we went to Blockbuster.

[58:13] And I picked out Master of Disguise and The Shining.

[58:16] Oh, God.

[58:20] Whiplash.

[58:20] Has there ever been a double feature, whether accidental or not, where they've been thrown

[58:24] into even starker contrast by the juxtaposition?

[58:28] Jeez.

Dan McCoy

[58:30] That's crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[58:32] I mean, not, I mean, there was, I don't think it's in, I'm trying to think what movie I saw

Dan McCoy

[58:39] the same day I saw Wallace and Gromit Curse of the Were-Rabbit.

Elliott Kalan

[58:42] Because I saw two movies that day, and one of them was a grown-up movie, and the other

[58:45] was Curse of the Were-Rabbit.

[58:46] I can't remember which one it was.

Dan McCoy

[58:47] I, you know, I'm going to pull a politician trick and answer a question that I can't answer

[58:52] rather than the one that was given.

[58:54] And say, like, it's not about whiplash between double feature so much as just, like, just

[59:00] a what was I thinking sort of situation in terms of tones.

[59:05] There was an afternoon in which Audrey was, like, out of the house.

[59:10] And I'm like, you know what?

[59:11] I'm going to watch a movie, but I'm going to watch a good movie for once.

[59:13] I'm not going to watch some garbage.

[59:15] I'm going to watch something on the Criterion channel.

[59:17] I'm going to have a great artistic experience.

[59:19] And I chose to watch Lynne Ramsey's Rat Catcher, which is a terrific movie.

[59:24] I love Lynne Ramsey.

[59:25] But it starts with child death and does not get more pleasant from there.

[59:30] I'm like, why did I choose this for my afternoon?

Stuart Wellington

[59:33] I remember my girlfriend took, like, a trip out of town, left me home alone, and the double

[59:38] feature I did was Irreversible and E.G.

Elliott Kalan

[59:41] the Killer by myself.

[59:44] I'll tell you when I almost did, but didn't.

[59:47] When I went to see A Simple Plan in the theaters, my dad left the theater, and I didn't know

[59:50] why.

[59:50] And he came back, and he goes, hey, A Bug's Life is just starting in the other theater.

[59:55] And I was like, I know that I'm in the right mood for A Bug's Life.

[59:58] All right, great.

[59:59] Thank you.

[59:59] Next question.

[1:00:00] Appreciate it.

[1:00:00] Thanks for coming.

[1:00:01] Thanks, everybody.

[1:00:02] I know we're going to go over a little bit.

[1:00:04] I apologize.

S10

[1:00:04] Yeah, Peter, last name withheld.

[1:00:06] Congratulations to Elliot on the Ghostbusters gig.

[1:00:08] Oh, thanks very much.

[1:00:09] Yeah.

[1:00:09] Oh, I can't wait to see what you do with it.

[1:00:11] Big part of my childhood.

[1:00:12] So my question is for Dan.

[1:00:13] I'm going to ruin it.

[1:00:15] It'll be great.

[1:00:16] I'm going to love it.

[1:00:17] Okay.

[1:00:17] My question is for Dan and Stuart.

[1:00:19] When and if...

[1:00:20] When...

[1:00:23] All right.

[1:00:23] Yeah, I love Ghostbusters 2, I guess.

[1:00:25] When and if you get your Ghostbusters cameo, can you describe your ghost and its personality?

[1:00:31] Thank you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:32] Okay.

[1:00:32] I'm going to be an old-timey cowboy who got shot while taking a dump in an outhouse.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:40] So the character in Unforgiven, that happens.

[1:00:42] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:43] I'm going to be haunting like an old locker room, but like no one...

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:47] It's a...

Dan McCoy

[1:00:51] Yeah, I get it.

[1:00:52] It's a cartoon for, you know, like no one's going to be there.

[1:00:56] It's going to be abandoned.

[1:00:57] Like, it's just going to be like a sad man being like...

[1:01:00] You're like Moaning Myrtle.

[1:01:00] I thought this was...

[1:01:02] I thought this was the joy of being a ghost, and then it's going to be...

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:06] So you're a ghost that's trying to be a pervy creep.

[1:01:07] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:08] But cannot because he's incompetent.

[1:01:10] He's incompetent at being pervy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:12] On brand.

[1:01:13] Awesome.

[1:01:13] Thanks, guys.

[1:01:14] Thanks.

S11

[1:01:16] Hi.

[1:01:16] My name is Matt.

[1:01:17] Last name withheld.

[1:01:18] Are you guys going to make it out to Atlanta at any point?

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:21] We've been talking about it for years, but I don't know why.

[1:01:24] We don't have plans yet, but we would like to do that.

S11

[1:01:27] And what is the bad movie that you've watched that you've had the most fun watching?

[1:01:32] Cats.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:33] Hate to answer the same thing.

[1:01:34] No, it's true.

[1:01:36] Yeah, it was incredible.

[1:01:38] I think I've said this before, but we saw it in the theater together.

[1:01:42] I looked over at Stuart like 10 minutes in, and it was like the scene in The Producers

[1:01:47] where Springtime for Hitler is sung, and they cut to the audience just with their jaws dropped

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:52] not saying anything.

[1:01:54] I think runner-up for me was when I was in the audience at the New York premiere of Birdemic,

[1:01:58] which was also a great experience.

[1:02:00] So, yeah.

S11

[1:02:03] Adam, last name withheld.

[1:02:04] So, evidently, in the director's commentary for this movie, the director states that Pistachio's

[1:02:09] big butt fetish was put in the movie as an anti-anorexia message, which is either an extreme lie

[1:02:16] or someone convincing themselves they made a bad decision for a very good reason.

[1:02:21] So, what other time has a filmmaker tried to excuse a bad decision with either an extreme lie

[1:02:27] or, you know, just a bunch of bullshit?

Dan McCoy

[1:02:30] I mean, I remember early on we watched Sucker Punch, which I feel like it purports to be

[1:02:37] trying to be making this anti-exploitation message and be like, this is like the vision

[1:02:43] of a dumb guy's idea of these girls.

[1:02:46] And it's like, yeah, but you just kind of made it, man.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:49] Like, you did the thing.

[1:02:50] It's like you can't do the thing in the movie and then just go, not, at the end to be like,

[1:02:54] that's my message.

[1:02:56] Yeah, I think that's a good answer.

Elliott Kalan

S8

[1:02:59] Uh, hello, Matthew Grieve, last name withheld.

[1:03:02] Uh, since there's a new Star Wars movie coming out this year.

[1:03:04] Um, Mandalorian.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:06] You wouldn't like it.

[1:03:07] It's called Star Wars Cantina.

[1:03:08] It's about running a bar in the Star Wars world.

[1:03:10] But I would like that the most.

[1:03:12] Yeah, and I think the hero of it is like a big gamer.

S8

[1:03:16] So, yeah, Mandalorian Grogu, obviously a young wolf and cub movie.

[1:03:20] So, I was wondering what other Star Wars, or what other Japanese cinema classic would

[1:03:24] you like to see turned into a Star Wars movie?

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:26] Uh, what, Hilo?

[1:03:28] Hilo.

[1:03:29] High and low?

[1:03:30] High and low.

[1:03:31] I mean, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.

[1:03:34] An Ozu.

[1:03:34] One of Ozu.

[1:03:35] Yeah.

[1:03:36] Something about, like.

[1:03:37] Oh, yeah.

[1:03:38] House would be an amazing one.

[1:03:39] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:39] Happiness in the Katakuris.

[1:03:41] Yeah.

[1:03:44] Fireworks.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:45] Yeah.

[1:03:46] Um, but yeah, yeah.

[1:03:46] I think, uh, I think something about, about a family.

[1:03:49] Something about a family.

[1:03:50] Yeah.

[1:03:52] Yeah.

[1:03:52] No, you know what, you know what, um, was it?

[1:03:54] Drive my car.

[1:03:54] Is it, is it, is it Tale of Floating Weeds?

[1:03:57] That's those who went about the actors, right?

[1:03:59] I would like to see something about an acting troupe in the Star Wars world.

[1:04:01] Oh, that actually would be, yeah, that'd be great.

[1:04:02] Or a band.

[1:04:03] It's about Max Rebo's band and life on the road, you know?

[1:04:07] Mm-hmm.

[1:04:08] Yeah.

[1:04:09] All right, thank you.

[1:04:10] Thanks.

[1:04:12] All right, let's go, let's go.

[1:04:13] Super fast, super fast, super fast.

[1:04:14] Hello there.

S8

[1:04:14] Uh, Eric, last name withheld.

[1:04:16] When I was a child, I went to a test screening of Masters of Disguise.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:19] Whoa.

[1:04:21] Um, so I would like to ask.

[1:04:22] You're not playing.

[1:04:23] And you were like, love it, love it, love it.

[1:04:25] Turn that dial all the way.

S8

[1:04:28] Eh, more or less.

[1:04:30] Um, as a child, what would you guys,

[1:04:32] what movie would you have liked to have been in a test screening for?

[1:04:35] And what notes would you have possibly given?

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:37] I think I'd be in a test screening for Gremlins 2,

[1:04:39] and I would say no notes.

[1:04:43] Uh, like, uh, Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey.

[1:04:46] Put more robot Bill and Ted's in it.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:50] Uh, I don't, uh, what about Bob?

[1:04:54] I'd be like, take it easy on him, okay?

[1:04:57] Why is everyone so, yeah, why is this so upsetting and anxiety provoking?

[1:05:02] I'm not equipped for this.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:04] Doesn't answer the question.

[1:05:05] Yeah.

[1:05:06] That's why that would be your note.

[1:05:07] Yeah.

[1:05:07] What about Bob?

[1:05:08] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:09] I'm afraid, yeah, we do have only time for one more.

[1:05:12] I'm sorry.

[1:05:12] We talked too much about Masters of Disguise.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:15] Somehow we managed to do that.

[1:05:16] So I apologize to everyone who was not on the line.

[1:05:18] Email your answers to danmccoy at dansrealemailaddress.com.

S8

[1:05:24] Hi, Nick, last name withheld.

[1:05:27] My favorite movie growing up was Wizard of Oz.

[1:05:29] Loved it, watched it incessantly.

[1:05:31] It's amazing.

[1:05:31] And my wonderful wife, Caroline Nee, last name withheld.

[1:05:35] Also, we were talking about movies as a child,

[1:05:38] and Master of Disguise came up.

[1:05:41] She loved it.

[1:05:42] Any super weird...

[1:05:43] I mean, they're kind of the same movie,

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:44] Master of Disguise and Wizard of Oz.

S8

[1:05:45] Any super weird or classic favorite movies

[1:05:48] that you guys had growing up as kids?

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:50] I mean, like, Ski Patrol.

[1:05:53] Ski Patrol featuring director Paul Feig in an acting role, yeah.

[1:05:57] That's what you liked about it as a kid.

[1:05:58] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:05:59] I'm like, oh, this kid's going places.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:01] Not in front of the camera.

[1:06:03] I just remember that my brother, John, insists that I loved this animated movie,

[1:06:08] Water Babies, because he's like, you loved that shit.

[1:06:12] You watched it all the time.

[1:06:13] I'm like, John, you don't understand.

[1:06:15] He said this at your wedding.

[1:06:17] That was his toast.

[1:06:18] You loved that shit.

[1:06:20] Fuck you.

[1:06:21] Have a good wedding.

[1:06:23] No, no.

[1:06:24] I mean, I was like, John, you don't understand.

[1:06:26] I was a child.

[1:06:27] I watched it because it was on television.

[1:06:29] I didn't like it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:31] But do you have a...

[1:06:33] I don't know.

[1:06:33] I mean, when I was a kid, I was all about the Dark Crystal,

[1:06:35] but that's not like a weird choice.

[1:06:36] That's great, you know?

[1:06:37] It's got like...

[1:06:38] Because I was like, finally a movie where it's all monsters, no people.

[1:06:41] And I'll accept two gelflings, which are kind of like people,

[1:06:44] when I have that many monsters.

[1:06:45] And like any movie, any movie where there's a scene

[1:06:48] where the creature characters are just hanging out, eating or drinking,

[1:06:51] I love it.

[1:06:51] Star Wars, Gremlins, Dark Crystal.

[1:06:53] Give me two straight hours of just kind of monsters sitting at a table,

[1:06:56] just eating stuff and hanging out.

[1:06:57] It's like food is life, you know?

[1:06:59] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:00] Yeah, so...

[1:07:00] And they eat real messy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:01] They eat super messy.

[1:07:02] They got their own little silverware that they put on their fingertips.

[1:07:05] It's amazing.

[1:07:06] That thing tries to run away.

[1:07:07] Uh-oh, I don't think you're getting away.

[1:07:08] That sketch is going to eat you.

[1:07:10] Yeah.

[1:07:10] What a movie.

[1:07:11] I want to watch it now.

[1:07:12] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:12] Okay.

[1:07:13] Well, let's get off stage and watch it now.

[1:07:16] You've all been great.

[1:07:17] I'm glad you do that, Dan.

[1:07:18] Thank you for enduring the tale of pistachio disguises.

[1:07:24] Thank you to Cobbs.

[1:07:26] Thank you to San Francisco Sketch Fest.

[1:07:28] And for the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:30] I've been Shorwellington.

[1:07:31] I've been Ellie Kaelin.

[1:07:32] Thank you so much for joining us.

[1:07:33] Good night.

[1:07:34] We appreciate it.

[1:07:34] What is that?

[1:07:48] I was popping my booty.

[1:07:51] Oh, okay.

[1:07:52] That's the move that Stuart calls the sexy stinker.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:54] Ah, it's good to see you all.

[1:07:57] I mean, although eagle-eyed viewers might have noticed a certain stealthy man turned his

[1:08:02] screensaver off earlier, but let's pretend that didn't happen.

[1:08:05] We're the Flophouse.

[1:08:06] Hello.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:07] Why are you telling me?

Dan McCoy

[1:08:08] We're the Flophouse.

[1:08:09] Hello.

[1:08:12] I'm Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:13] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:08:15] I'm Elliot Kaelin, the star of the Flophouse.

[1:08:18] Whoa!

[1:08:19] That's right.

[1:08:20] Okay.

[1:08:20] It's 2026.

[1:08:21] It's a coup.

[1:08:22] I'm in charge now.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:23] Hallie's going to be so upset.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:25] This is a podcast about dinosaurs and dinosaur-adjacent topics.

[1:08:29] Fuck.

[1:08:31] Maximum Fun.

[1:08:33] A worker-owned network.

S11

[1:08:34] Of artists-owned shows.

[1:08:36] Supported.

[1:08:37] Directly.

[1:08:37] By you.

The Master of Disguise LIVE

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