Ep #380 - Orphan: First Kill, with Hallie Haglund

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Orphan Burst Kill.

[0:07] That's right. We're kicking Shocktober off in styles. Julia styles.

[0:12] I don't think we can get any better than that.

[0:14] No, that was perfect. Yeah.

[0:16] It's what we in the biz call a hot one.

[0:18] Okay.

[0:30] Hello and welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:45] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:46] And I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:48] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:50] And I'm Allie Haglund.

[0:53] But I killed you.

[0:56] Oh, no, that was Sally Haglund.

[0:58] I'm sorry, Sally Haglund.

[0:59] Oh, that bitch.

[1:01] I'm glad she's gone.

[1:02] Oh, yeah.

[1:03] Hey, everybody.

[1:04] Shocktober started with a bang.

[1:05] A Hallie Haglund bang, that is.

[1:07] What?

[1:09] It's cool.

[1:11] Don't worry.

[1:12] It's cool.

[1:13] Okay.

[1:14] Anyway.

[1:15] It was the idea of a Hallie Haglund bang.

[1:17] Not the best way to start it.

[1:19] Anyway.

[1:21] So this is a podcast.

[1:23] Okay.

[1:24] How about this?

[1:25] How about this?

[1:26] Okay.

[1:27] Hold on.

[1:28] I'm going to say it.

[1:29] Hold on.

[1:30] That's like.

[1:31] No, that's worse.

[1:32] Hold on.

[1:33] You know what, Dan?

[1:34] Just keep going.

[1:35] Yeah.

[1:36] I was trying to.

[1:37] Say.

[1:38] Say, listener.

[1:39] It's brand spanking new Shocktober with a brand spanking Hallie.

[1:43] Right?

[1:44] Is that?

[1:45] No.

[1:46] No.

[1:47] I mean, slightly, I guess.

[1:50] Yeah.

[1:51] If you're stumbling onto this podcast for the first time, first off, sorry for leaving

[1:56] it out where you could trip over it.

[1:57] But number two, this is a podcast where normally.

[2:01] That was good.

[2:02] That was good.

[2:03] We moaned.

[2:04] It was a thinker.

[2:05] Yeah.

[2:06] Normally we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[2:08] And in Shocktober, the month we are in, we watch horror movies.

[2:12] Now this one actually.

[2:14] We had an inkling.

[2:16] We'll see.

[2:17] We'll see how we all came down on it.

[2:18] We had an inkling that this one maybe we'd kind of like.

[2:21] Yeah.

[2:22] It's a good movie.

[2:23] We had an inkling.

[2:24] That this movie would not be a stinkling like normal, mainly because Stewart had seen the

[2:27] movie already and wanted to watch it again.

[2:29] And said it's good.

[2:30] And said it's good.

[2:31] We should watch that.

[2:32] Yeah.

[2:33] Uh, but, you know, that's Stewart's opinion.

[2:35] We'll see what the rest of us has to say.

[2:36] Are my bros gonna make me feel bad by not liking my new favorite movie?

[2:40] We'll find out.

[2:41] Yeah.

[2:42] I'm sure Hallie's on my side.

[2:43] That's a suspense.

[2:44] Now Hallie, I think you were given a list of movies and this is the one you chose.

[2:46] Is that true?

[2:47] Yeah.

[2:48] What was it about the title Orphan First Kill that really caught your eye?

[2:51] It was that Dan wrote next to it.

[2:53] This one is actually kind of good.

[2:55] Or, well, yeah, I mean, I hadn't seen it, but I knew that the reviews sort of indicated

[3:00] like, oh, maybe, maybe this is one's okay.

[3:03] I did watch all the trailers and it, and it, and it called out to me most.

[3:07] You did your due halogens.

[3:08] Yes.

[3:09] And, uh, now this, and our last year you joined us for, I think it was the turning, right?

[3:12] Oh yeah.

[3:13] And it was very, or what was that one called?

[3:14] The one that was based on the turning of the screw?

[3:16] Yeah.

[3:17] I think it was the turning.

[3:18] It's either that or the screwing.

[3:19] That's true.

[3:20] Yeah.

[3:21] Probably not that.

[3:22] Yeah.

[3:23] Yeah.

[3:24] That was kind of a, that was kind of a snooze fest.

[3:25] Sorry.

[3:26] All right.

[3:27] The screwing of the turn.

[3:28] Yeah.

[3:29] That's about having sex with a bird.

[3:30] It's turned T-E-R-N.

[3:31] Oh wow.

[3:32] No.

[3:33] Cool.

[3:34] Well, you know.

[3:35] Um, John Livingston Seagull.

[3:36] What have we done?

[3:37] Let's recap.

[3:38] Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

[3:39] Oh wow.

[3:40] Let's recap what's happened so far.

[3:41] So we've introduced Hallie and we've introduced what the podcast is.

[3:44] Yeah.

[3:45] Yeah.

[3:46] And the movie that we watched.

[3:47] What movie we watched.

[3:48] This is the most efficient opening we've ever had.

[3:49] We're actually doing really good.

[3:50] Yeah.

[3:52] So before we get into Orphan First Kill, which actually, first, actually, before we get into

[3:54] it, I want to say two things.

[3:56] One, it does not actually show her first kill.

[3:58] No.

[3:59] The movie starts with her already a dangerous mental patient.

[4:01] Why is it called First Kill?

[4:02] And two, I never saw the first orphan movie.

[4:05] Stuart, would you be able to fill us in on what happens in the first orphan movie?

[4:09] Yeah.

[4:10] So a, a couple with two kids who wants another kid, uh, played by Vera Farmiga and Peter

[4:16] Sarsgaard.

[4:17] Peter Sarsgaard.

[4:18] Thank you.

[4:19] Those are the kids?

[4:21] I mean, they were kids once, but at the point, at this point in the movie, the story, they're

[4:24] full grown adults of adopted children age.

[4:27] They're not unstuck in time and, and reliving all their, all their moments at once.

[4:31] I see.

[4:32] No.

[4:33] So they are, they are a couple that is going through some extreme, uh, marriage problems,

[4:36] but they decide, Hey, you know what?

[4:38] Too much Mountain Dew?

[4:39] Yep.

[4:40] That's not a problem, Elliot.

[4:41] It's a solution.

[4:42] They drank it like, uh, Peter Sarsgaard was drinking it in bed all the time.

[4:48] He was.

[4:49] Someone who drank so much Mountain Dew, they got thrush.

[4:51] They got what?

[4:52] Thrush.

[4:53] What's thrush?

[4:54] It's like something in your throat.

[4:56] That's yeah.

[4:57] Mouth disease of some kind, but is that what, is that what that song is about?

[5:03] Oh, thrush, keep it down now.

[5:07] Your throat's hurt.

[5:08] It's just a little thrush.

[5:09] Oh yeah.

[5:10] There's that one too.

[5:11] And of course the band's thrush today is Tom Sawyer drinks too much Mountain Dew.

[5:18] That one.

[5:19] Yeah.

[5:20] Wow.

[5:21] I love the idea that Elliot is comparing his own beautiful voice to Geddy Lee's beautiful

[5:25] voice right now.

[5:27] So they're a couple and they decide to adopt a third child.

[5:32] And so they adopt a Hester or Esther, uh, Esther, who is this, who is this weird little

[5:40] girl who dressed like an old timey girl.

[5:43] She might have like say a ribbon around her neck that if you, a ribbon choker.

[5:50] And later on, like we find out why she's wearing it.

[5:53] It's not because her head will fall off and she's a ghost.

[5:55] Although every time I see the ribbon and she resists them taking the ribbon off, I'm like,

[6:00] is it cause she's a ghost?

[6:01] Even though I know she is.

[6:03] So, uh, they, you know, she starts causing problems.

[6:08] Kids pick on her.

[6:10] Why is it?

[6:11] Oh, she has a ribbon around her neck because, uh, when she was in her various mental institutes,

[6:16] uh, she like, uh, would like fight against the restraints and she got scars.

[6:22] Yeah.

[6:23] And that's why she wears around her wrists too, right?

[6:25] Yeah.

[6:26] To cover those scars.

[6:27] Yep.

[6:28] Much like how in the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Mina wears a scarf around her neck

[6:31] to cover where Dracula sawed away at her throat with his vampire bat teeth.

[6:36] Yeah.

[6:37] But Dracula got nowhere near Esther.

[6:39] So Esther, long story short.

[6:42] Until the third movie, Orphan, Dracula's adoptee.

[6:45] And so, and Dracula's like, I'm getting to that age.

[6:47] I'm hundreds of years old.

[6:49] I want to have a child.

[6:50] Uh oh, adopts Esther.

[6:52] So, and you know, like Esther doesn't quite get along with her adopted siblings.

[6:58] The older brother is both a bully and a coward.

[7:01] Pretty common combo actually.

[7:03] Wow.

[7:04] Two sides of the same coin.

[7:05] Yeah.

[7:06] Yep.

[7:07] So, Esther's getting along with the younger sister.

[7:10] But it turns out there's more to her than we believe.

[7:13] She's romantically in love with the father, which makes sense because it is Peter Sarsgaard.

[7:17] But he is a dummy and does not pay any attention.

[7:21] Vera Farmiga immediately suspects Esther's up to no good.

[7:25] And so does the adoption agent played by, who is it?

[7:29] I think we don't need, why don't we just go into this much detail.

[7:30] Yeah, this is a lot of detail.

[7:31] I think maybe just tell us the reveal about Esther and then we can get into the new movie.

[7:36] So wait.

[7:37] I thought you told me I could tell you the entire plot of the movie.

[7:39] So the big reveal is that Esther is not Esther.

[7:44] She is not a little girl at all.

[7:47] She's an old girl in a little girl's body and she's, let's say neurologically divergent

[7:53] and hurts people, hurts herself sometimes and is very good at lying.

[7:59] Movie ends, she sinks into a frozen pond, possibly dead.

[8:03] Who knows?

[8:04] Much like the actor that Mr. Burns hired to play one of the Simpsons kids.

[8:10] She is an Estonian dwarf.

[8:12] And that is the big twist of the movie.

[8:16] Yes, she's, she's, she's an Estonian little person and actually in her thirties.

[8:22] So let's go to Orphan First Kill.

[8:24] Should I talk about my favorite scenes in the movie?

[8:26] No, that's okay.

[8:27] We'll just go ahead.

[8:28] Why don't we just talk about the movie that we actually are talking about today.

[8:31] The title comes up immediately, which made me think this was a short for a moment because

[8:35] it was just like Orphan First Kill just jumps at you.

[8:37] There's no cold open.

[8:38] Um, and I'll, and then I'll, uh, very surprising to find out as we watch it, it's not actually

[8:43] about her first skill.

[8:44] The title is incredibly, uh, inappropriate.

[8:47] So it's Estonia 2007 and a car drives through some snowy woods.

[8:51] It's very, the shining and, uh, the driver of this car is going to the Sarn Psychiatric

[8:55] Institute.

[8:56] This woman, Anna, she's an art therapist.

[8:58] She is starting her first day at the Sarn Psychiatric Institute in Spookyville, Estonia,

[9:04] which is located on, on creepy mountain in the snowy wastes of, uh, of that country.

[9:10] And so it's her first day.

[9:11] She gets a binder full of security procedures.

[9:14] And as the doctor is telling her, Hey, here's what you need to learn.

[9:18] An alarm goes out.

[9:19] Lena's not in her room, locked down.

[9:21] You wait here in this room, alarm clacks on flashing red light.

[9:24] Lena's free.

[9:25] Lena's free.

[9:26] Lena's free.

[9:28] You gotta get her.

[9:29] And so, um, Dr. says, Lena's our most dangerous patient.

[9:32] You wait here alone in the art room and she turns and sees that there's a girl at one

[9:36] of the desks.

[9:37] Lena likes to hang out.

[9:38] Yes.

[9:39] There's a girl at one of the desks sketching and it takes this art therapist a thousand

[9:44] years to even consider that this might be the dangerous patient that's on the loose.

[9:49] She goes, do you, are you the daughter of someone who works here?

[9:52] Which is bonkers.

[9:53] That the daughter of the staff at the psychiatric institute would just have the run of the place

[9:56] like she's Lyra in Oxford and the golden compass.

[10:00] That's not a safe place to have a kid running free.

[10:02] And, uh, yeah, Dan?

[10:04] Well, I just want to talk a little bit about, um, the character of Lena slash Esther, who...

[10:10] It's not Lena Dunham. I should make that clear.

[10:12] Thank you. The, uh...

[10:14] Or is it?

[10:15] The actress, uh, I think her name's Isabel Furman.

[10:18] Uh, at the time of the first movie, she was 11 years old, playing an adult who pretended to be a child.

[10:28] Now she is an adult who's pretending to be a child.

[10:31] She is in her early 20s.

[10:34] Uh, and I don't, like...

[10:36] I felt like when watching this movie, the first shots of the snowy, uh, drive were so, like, beautiful and crisp.

[10:44] And then so much of the rest of the movie looks like they smeared Vaseline all over it.

[10:47] And I was wondering, like, is this to hide the fact that they now clearly have an adult woman playing this person who's supposed to look like a child?

[10:55] I think it's partly... I think it's partly for atmospheric effect, but also partly...

[10:59] I mean, the movie, I don't know how many child body doubles or what angles they used, but she looks very much like a grown-up pretending to be a child in this movie.

[11:08] Wait, is she, uh, is she...

[11:10] No, she's probably about your height, Hallie. Maybe slightly shorter than you. She's like 5'3", I think.

[11:13] God.

[11:14] So, yeah, it's movie magic.

[11:16] Yeah, it's movie magic.

[11:17] Part of the appeal for me, I like... I love forced perspective. I love body doubles.

[11:21] It's all over the place in The Lord of the Rings. It's in this movie, too.

[11:24] That's why Stuart's favorite movie is Clifford, starring Martin Short as a mischievous little boy.

[11:28] A movie that is getting a cultural re-evaluation as we speak, Hallie.

[11:32] That's very true. That's very true. We are living in the new Clifford universe. The MCU, the Martin Short Clifford universe, yeah.

[11:38] They did do, like, a very little, like, digital de-aging with her face, but most of it was practical effects from what I understand, just body doubles and angles, so...

[11:49] Thumbs up.

[11:50] Yeah, that makes me like the movie even more. I have even more respect for it.

[11:54] Yeah, I mean, that being said, it is very hard to believe that the family doesn't recognize that...

[12:00] I mean, I guess the orphan movies could also be called the dumb dad series.

[12:04] In every movie, there's some oblivious dad who does not recognize that this is clearly not a child.

[12:09] It's all about dumb, hot daddies.

[12:11] Dumb, sexy dads, yeah.

[12:13] These dumb daddies. And the dad in this one, it's...

[12:17] What's the actor? It's Donald Sutherland's other son.

[12:20] Yes.

[12:21] Or one of Donald Sutherland's other sons.

[12:23] It's like...

[12:25] Sorry, it's Rasev Sutherland. And he is, it's just like, the character he's playing is so, like, hushed and...

[12:33] Like this hushed, sad dad bod dad who's oblivious to the world around him because he has an artistic soul.

[12:39] And he paints the chintziest paintings.

[12:41] I thought those were cool.

[12:43] Thank you. I think they're cool too.

[12:45] And we'll try to save the first movie.

[12:47] When we get to them, they're kind of, this is me being snobby, they're kind of level one art.

[12:51] No, what's ridiculous is her paintings and everyone's like, you're so talented.

[12:55] And it's like, she looks like she, like, is a child drawing.

[13:00] Wow.

[13:01] So anyway, this girl, we're back at the Sarn Institute.

[13:04] This girl introduced herself as Lena.

[13:06] She's got a sharpened pencil in her hand.

[13:08] Oh no, she's seen the Dark Knight. She knows what you can do with a sharpened pencil.

[13:12] But the doctors come in, they demand she drop the pencil, and it lands with a boom.

[13:16] And the doctor goes, hey, you should know.

[13:19] I should have told you this beforehand when I told you Lena was super dangerous.

[13:22] And that she was on the loose. She has a gland disorder.

[13:24] She stopped growing at 10 years old.

[13:26] And she's now 31 and she's an exceptional con artist.

[13:29] And talks about, oh yeah, Lena invaded a family as a runaway and killed all of them.

[13:32] Anyway, welcome to your new job.

[13:34] Which is possibly the first kill.

[13:36] We're not sure.

[13:37] Yeah, we'll never know.

[13:39] And the first art therapy class, Lena subtly taunts this other patient who turns feral whenever offered a piece of candy.

[13:46] And this is nine minutes into the movie.

[13:49] And I was like, there's a lot going on already nine minutes in.

[13:52] Yeah, it's great.

[13:53] Lena is watching a movie in her room.

[13:56] I believe it's The Little Princess. It's Shirley Temple's version of it.

[13:59] She gets a package from a guard that has a dress in it.

[14:02] And there's an icky part where she is seducing this guard to come into her room.

[14:07] And then she slams his head against a wall so many times that he dies.

[14:11] And steals his key card and escapes.

[14:14] And there's a whole sequence where she's kind of sneaking through the halls, just dodging people.

[14:18] And no one in this hospital has peripheral vision.

[14:21] There's no way that they wouldn't notice her.

[14:24] And this is the beginning of Lena being—

[14:26] Put it up in the fucking goof section, dude.

[14:28] That's the thing you object to and not the fact that this person with this glandular disorder has the strength to beat this guy to death by slamming his head.

[14:41] I'm actually looking at the security guard's file.

[14:44] And he has a gland disorder that makes his head super soft.

[14:47] Yeah, he has what's called eggshell head.

[14:49] His head is actually as thin of it as an eggshell.

[14:52] He should have been wearing his helmet.

[14:54] It reminds me of the psychiatric institute in the movie Glass where there was one security guard on duty at all times.

[15:00] And it was like, wait a minute.

[15:01] You're holding criminal masterminds.

[15:03] You can't just have one person.

[15:04] Anyway, this starts a theme of the movie, which is that the movie is presenting Lena as this brilliant Hannibal Lecter-esque sociopathic mastermind when she's constantly screwing up.

[15:15] And she's constantly making mistakes.

[15:17] It's because the people she's—

[15:18] Makes her more relatable as a hero, Elliot.

[15:21] The people that she's fooling are so either oblivious or evil that they either don't notice or choose not to notice.

[15:26] Well, one thing that I like and, you know, we'll reveal the big twist of this movie.

[15:32] When we get to it.

[15:33] When we get to it.

[15:34] Spoilers. Get ready for orphaned for spoilers.

[15:37] Yeah, if you want to see this movie, see it before we talk about it because there is a big spoiler.

[15:43] Yeah, just crack open your Paramount Plus and watch that shit.

[15:46] I will say this sort of vaguely now.

[15:50] Like, I think it's hilarious how this movie suggests that, like, oh, maybe how good she is at being this—

[15:56] Pulling the scam in the first movie is partly because she's gotten some help in this movie.

[16:03] I mean, she's not super good at the scam in the first movie either.

[16:07] I didn't see the first movie.

[16:08] So that makes sense to me then more that this is the still untested Lena.

[16:14] She has not fully become—they should have called it becoming Esther.

[16:17] They should have called it Orphan Becoming Esther.

[16:19] Like, that would have been a better name for her.

[16:21] Perfect.

[16:22] Or Orphan Kills 6 through 12 or whatever.

[16:27] That's true.

[16:28] Orphan.

[16:29] Not the first kill, but some early-ish ones.

[16:31] Anyway, she's dodging people.

[16:33] She eventually—a security guard briefly stops her, but she goes, hey, do you want some candy?

[16:38] To the feral inmate whose job is to stand in the lobby with a mop and a bucket just hauntingly, very slowly mopping to scare people as they walk in like a haunted mansion.

[16:49] It's like a Halloween haunted house.

[16:52] And so the feral one attacks that security guard, and Lena escapes, and she manages to get into the car of the art therapist who quits her job but doesn't seem to—

[17:02] Now, maybe I misunderstood what was going on.

[17:04] It looked like her art therapist is in the car.

[17:07] Lena gets in.

[17:09] Anna, the art therapist, leaves and quits, then gets back into her car and drives to the city and then seems confused about whether or not Lena is in the car or not.

[17:17] Maybe I missed something.

[17:18] It seemed like she should have known the whole time that this—

[17:20] No, no.

[17:21] I think that you saw that Lena, like, was in front of her, like the little spooky, like, shh, don't tell anyone that I'm escaping.

[17:32] And then so the—Anna, the therapist, was like, oh, she ran off into the woods or whatever.

[17:39] She doesn't know that she got into the car.

[17:41] I thought there was a shot of the door opening and closing, but maybe I misread that.

[17:45] Maybe that was Anna getting out.

[17:46] Maybe that was afterwards.

[17:48] Anyway, because if I know Lena is out and she's shushing me, I'm staying in my car and I'm getting away as quickly as possible.

[17:55] I'm not bothering to give notice.

[17:57] I'm not even Trevor Noah-ing and denouncing it on the last day as a surprise.

[18:02] I'm just leaving without telling anybody.

[18:04] Yeah, I mean, like that could be an email.

[18:07] That's like—By the way—

[18:09] I think this confession under duress because I'm scared there's a psychopath out there could be an email.

[18:16] I'm not a big fan of the concept of quiet quitting, but maybe in this case—

[18:21] This is time for the big resignation.

[18:24] She quit.

[18:25] And then she quits, yeah.

[18:26] Anyway, she goes home.

[18:28] The trunk of her car opens on its own, and when she walks around to look at it, there's no one in there.

[18:33] And she goes into her house, and Lena's there with a tire iron, and she hits her with the tire iron.

[18:37] Lena takes a while to play the piano.

[18:39] It turns out she's a beautiful piano player.

[18:41] She drinks some wine.

[18:42] She browses the internet looking for missing American girls.

[18:44] She can pass for, and she dresses up in her fancy dress that was given to her.

[18:50] She looks fully orphan style now, and then she finds that the art therapist is still alive.

[18:54] So she kills her by hitting her a bunch more times with the tire iron.

[18:57] Still not the first kill.

[18:59] She's changed into her clean clothes now.

[19:02] She took off the clothes that had all the blood on them, cleaned herself up, and then she had to bloody herself up again.

[19:07] It's a bummer.

[19:08] Yeah, so she's got to—I mean, it's a mistake kids make.

[19:11] She's not a kid, of course.

[19:14] She's method.

[19:16] Yes.

[19:17] She's the most method actor there is.

[19:20] She goes to a playground.

[19:21] She sits spookily on a swing at night until a police officer comes by, and she's like,

[19:25] please, sir, I am American, and she has this accent through the rest of the movie.

[19:30] I don't think she even tries to do an American accent, which is hilarious.

[19:34] Anyway, then we cut to Darien, Connecticut.

[19:37] That's right, everybody.

[19:38] One of the most expensive places to live in the United States.

[19:40] They've got an amazing public library, Darien, Connecticut.

[19:43] Yeah, I was unaware of like—but when it came up, Audrey immediately was like, oh, that's a very, very fancy place.

[19:52] And then when things started happening later on, she's like, oh, OK, it makes sense.

[19:56] Like you don't set something in Darien, Connecticut unless you're commenting.

[20:00] on how wealthy the people there are, or whatever, as we kind of get into later.

[20:04] A little bit.

[20:05] Also, I mean, or just the fact that, like, they mainly make movies about rich people

[20:09] now.

[20:10] Like, they don't make a lot- Oh, Elliot, come on.

[20:12] I mean, like, I'm having a hard time- What's the last mainstream entertainment

[20:17] movie you saw that didn't take place in a big house with a family with lots of money?

[20:20] I'm not saying that.

[20:21] I'm saying that, like- What about that one about the laundry?

[20:25] Everything Everywhere All at Once?

[20:26] Yeah.

[20:27] That's a good point.

[20:28] Let's call that a fairly independent film.

[20:29] That's not what I'm saying.

[20:31] I'm saying that it is clearly a point that they're making to make these people wealthy,

[20:37] you know, once we know the big reveal.

[20:39] Like, the idea of, like, oh, we're getting away with these things.

[20:43] It is- The movie's not even subtle about it.

[20:46] How can you say, I don't know?

[20:47] No, but the fact that the son later on goes, people like me matter in this country.

[20:51] Yeah.

[20:52] Like, they are being very heavy-handed, but I think you're giving them- I'm not going

[20:55] to give them credit for making the most- the most blatant point of, like, rich people

[20:59] have secrets.

[21:00] Like, that's also the- All I'm saying is they said it in a place

[21:03] purposefully.

[21:04] Like, that's literally all the- I don't know, what was the family like in

[21:07] the first Orphan movie?

[21:08] How were they doing financially still?

[21:09] You just like to argue things.

[21:10] They're middle class.

[21:11] Middle class.

[21:12] Yeah.

[21:13] I don't even know what we're arguing about.

[21:14] Oh, I'm just- I'm just tired of watching movies where the main characters have huge houses

[21:16] and they don't have to worry about money and things like that.

[21:19] So anyway- That's literally part of the point of the

[21:21] film.

[21:22] Kind of the interesting thing, though, is that there's also, like, a trend in a lot

[21:24] of media to focus on, like, how out of touch rich people are, but at the same time, it

[21:30] kind of feels like lifestyle porn, you know what I mean?

[21:32] Yes.

[21:33] Well, that's the thing.

[21:34] It's a very thin line between those two things.

[21:36] I think that's really more- Thank you, Stuart, for articulating more what I'm getting at,

[21:38] that it's hard to do this kind of thing without- without it slipping into lifestyle porn.

[21:43] Oh, that's fine.

[21:44] You can be annoyed at that, but separate it out from, like, clearly a decision was made

[21:49] to do this for a particular reason.

[21:51] I mean, they do have a rat in their house.

[21:54] Yeah.

[21:55] I didn't realize I wasn't allowed to use my personal opinion about that.

[21:58] Anyway- It's kind of a fancy rat, though, right?

[22:01] Yeah.

[22:02] It is.

[22:03] Well, the rat does have a little top hat and a monocle, that's true.

[22:06] So down in Connecticut, it's a fencing competition, suddenly there's an indie-style rock song

[22:10] playing.

[22:11] It was a big change in style from the beginning of the movie, and we meet Gunner.

[22:14] He's a high school boy who's a fencer, and he does not want to hang out with his parents

[22:19] after his big fencing meet.

[22:20] And the dad is resentful of the son having fun, and the mom, Julia Stiles, is like, hey,

[22:25] I miss our daughter, too, but he has to move on, we all have to move on.

[22:30] And the cops- a detective shows up from the cops.

[22:33] We've got news about Esther, your missing daughter.

[22:35] Cut to Moscow, Russia, that Moscow.

[22:38] Julia Stiles is there, and she's told that apparently Esther, their missing daughter,

[22:43] was kidnapped by a Russian and taken there for years.

[22:46] And the federal agent is like, be ready for some changes.

[22:50] And they walk in to find Lena ominously playing the piano.

[22:53] Yeah, it's awesome.

[22:54] And she both doesn't look or sound like their daughter.

[22:57] She kind of looks like her.

[22:58] She kind of looks like her a little bit.

[23:00] She looks a little bit like her.

[23:02] Anyway, she goes over and hugs mom.

[23:04] Now they're on a private plane flight back home, and Julia Stiles is showing her family

[23:08] pictures, and Lena makes the first of her incredibly stupid mistakes.

[23:12] Although Julia Stiles leads her into this trap, because Julia Stiles shows them a picture

[23:15] of an old lady, and she goes, oh, Nana's been so good to us.

[23:18] And Lena goes, I can't wait to see her.

[23:20] And she's like, Julia Stiles is like, she died when you were a little girl.

[23:23] Oh, right.

[23:24] I forget.

[23:25] Haha, I've been away so long.

[23:27] And then she steals a mini bottle, goes into the bathroom and drinks it and starts hitting

[23:31] things going, stupid, Lena, stupid.

[23:33] And then walks out again.

[23:34] I mean-

[23:35] Very relatable.

[23:36] You know what?

[23:37] But this is not Lena's fault, because Julia Stiles said-

[23:40] No, she says she's been so good to us.

[23:42] She's been so good.

[23:43] No one says that.

[23:44] Yeah.

[23:45] About a dead person.

[23:46] Yeah.

[23:47] I mean, I don't know.

[23:48] It's possible there's a ghost in that house.

[23:50] Anyway, she keeps slipping up.

[23:51] She says father instead of dad.

[23:54] And when her mom tries to take the cloth choker off of her neck, she grabs her wrist and says

[24:00] no.

[24:01] Anyway, there's a tearful airport reunion with the dad and the brother.

[24:04] And the brother's greeting is pretty underwhelming.

[24:06] We're going to find out why later on.

[24:08] He's like, hey, how you been?

[24:11] They drive home in silence.

[24:12] And Lena is amazed at the huge mansion.

[24:14] And this is where it's halfway between wealth porn and halfway between Annie singing I think

[24:21] I'm going to like it here from Annie, where she's like Fabergé eggs on the mantle, hardwood

[24:27] floors everywhere.

[24:28] I think I'm going to like pretending to be your dead daughter here.

[24:33] And so her room is still full of little dolls and Lena says-

[24:38] Dollhouse.

[24:39] Beautiful dollhouse.

[24:40] Beautiful dollhouse.

[24:41] Yeah.

[24:42] Yeah.

[24:43] I think we're in rat windows.

[24:45] What's amazing is that what's weird, it seemed to be setting up the idea that Esther, when

[24:49] she was live, lived in the 19th century.

[24:52] At the very least, the 1950s, because she's got this incredibly old school record player

[24:56] that she plays a Jimmy Durante song on.

[24:59] Jimmy Durante.

[25:00] What the kids loved back in- Wait, so she would have been, let's see, 2007.

[25:06] So she was kidnapped in, I don't know, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2003.

[25:11] We remember the Jimmy Durante resurgence in 2003.

[25:14] It was on the heels of the swing dance revival was the Jimmy Durante renaissance.

[25:18] Yeah.

[25:19] You would just walk onto schoolyards and you'd hear kids going, hink-a-dink-a-doo, goodnight

[25:23] Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are, give me some more go-gurt.

[25:28] That kind of stuff.

[25:29] A guy who I'm primarily familiar with through Looney Tunes, when people would turn into

[25:33] him because they have a big nose.

[25:36] Stuart, in the first movies, did they explain why she dresses like she's out of the 19th

[25:42] century?

[25:43] No.

[25:44] I think it's because it's scary.

[25:47] But it's like a combination of, I guess in Eastern Europe they dress old, but also when

[25:51] Julia Stiles goes to buy her clothes, she buys her clothes that look like they're from

[25:56] the Victorian or she looks like she's in the czar's court under Nicholas II.

[26:00] I think she's trying to lean into it.

[26:04] But what about the dad's boxers?

[26:05] Silly boxers.

[26:07] Anyway, yeah, she's trying to lean into her returned daughter's love of old-fashioned,

[26:10] of looking like an American Girl doll.

[26:12] Anyway, Lena says she likes painting.

[26:14] The dad is a professional artist.

[26:16] He's a painter who's been kind of blocked ever since Esther disappeared.

[26:20] So he's very excited.

[26:21] And they leave her to rest and she puts on that Jimmy Durante record about love.

[26:25] The next day, the mom takes Lena to her doctor or therapist appointment and the therapist

[26:30] has a parrot and Lena misidentifies it as a different parrot.

[26:34] And I just immediately I was like, why would a therapist have a parrot, the one bird that

[26:39] can repeat what is said in confidence in the office?

[26:44] The minute I saw that parrot, I would be like, sorry, doc.

[26:46] And I would walk out.

[26:47] You do need, it's not like the cartoons, speaking of cartoons, you do need to repeat the phrase

[26:52] to the parrot several times to get them to mimic.

[26:55] That happens in therapy.

[26:56] Yeah, that is therapy.

[26:58] Just repeating your issues over and over again until you hear them.

[27:01] All I know is, I think you're mistaking that for the Meisner technique, the Meisner technique.

[27:08] The Meisner bird technique.

[27:09] I don't know what you said to your therapist, but I just keep saying, I'm sorry, I'm sorry

[27:14] blood everywhere over and over again.

[27:18] A lot of your therapy things is just you basically repeating the lyrics to this Megadeth song

[27:22] Sweating Bullets.

[27:23] Yeah, exactly.

[27:25] So anyway, Lena's like, I'm not ready to tell my parents what happened to me.

[27:31] And mom gets called in and Lena goes to another office and being a master, a master spy, she

[27:37] manages to trick the receptionist or the other doctor into leaving her office and then turns

[27:42] on the old timey intercom, which of course is also connected to the therapist's office

[27:47] so she can hear what's being said and the therapist is like, it feels like I'm seeing

[27:53] a performance.

[27:55] It doesn't seem totally real.

[27:56] And there's this other kid in the waiting room who catches her snooping.

[27:59] And so Lena says, what do you think?

[28:02] Does it feel like a performance to you?

[28:05] What if I do it more like this?

[28:08] What about if I use an Italian accent?

[28:11] And the kid is like, too much, too big.

[28:13] And so she pretends that this kid hit her in order to cut the appointment short and

[28:17] get out of there.

[28:18] And they, as they walk out, she notices across the street, the detective who is not even

[28:23] trying to hide that he's there, is taking pictures of them leaving.

[28:27] He's not even standing behind a bench or anything.

[28:29] I'm just taking pictures for my art series of photos of therapists' offices.

[28:37] It's called exterior interiors.

[28:41] So Gunnar's friends show up, they tease Lena who curses at them in maybe Estonian, maybe

[28:44] Russian, I don't know.

[28:46] And dad takes Lena to his art studio, which I have to say is amazingly clean and well

[28:50] organized for an art studio, maybe because he hasn't used it in a while.

[28:52] But wasn't it surprising that those kids were so mean?

[28:56] No.

[28:57] That's a theme in the orphan movies, people being unnecessarily mean to Esther for no

[29:03] reason.

[29:04] And maybe this is part of Dan's, the subtext Dan has dug up in it, about rich people not

[29:09] being nice and not caring about other people.

[29:11] She literally, like you said, he says later on, people don't care about people like Emma

[29:15] and the turn that Julia, anyway.

[29:20] But these kids don't know this unless they know the twist, unless Gunnar like revealed

[29:23] to them.

[29:24] Oh, yeah.

[29:25] But they're just, yeah, they were also just like, I mean, they're all bad people.

[29:28] They all probably kill people, too.

[29:30] And so let's talk about our opinions about about the dad's art, because so here's what

[29:33] the dad does.

[29:34] He paints pictures and then using black light paint that you can only see when a when an

[29:39] ultraviolet light is on.

[29:41] He paints hidden pictures.

[29:42] So this looks like a picture of a woman looking at herself in the mirror.

[29:46] Turn the black light.

[29:47] She's crying.

[29:48] There's tears on her cheeks.

[29:49] What about this picture of a little girl?

[29:50] Turn a black light.

[29:51] There's butterflies flying around.

[29:52] And I was like, come on, man, this is there's nothing going on.

[29:58] And they're like, and Julia's targeting.

[30:00] The Grateful Dead market that loves fine arts so much and they want it for their home.

[30:07] I mean, I bet I bet that maybe they're saying something about the art market where it's

[30:10] like I could see some rich jerk buying this for a lot of money and being like, yeah, check

[30:14] it out.

[30:15] I had to install black lights in the room for this.

[30:17] Get it.

[30:18] She's she look in the mirror.

[30:19] But really, she said, as opposed to like art art where you have to figure it out.

[30:23] I mean, maybe I'm that rich jerk.

[30:25] Oh, wow.

[30:26] You were Jeff Goldblum in Hannah and her sisters being like, yeah, I need a painting that's

[30:31] about yay big that goes with my couch.

[30:33] I'm like those people.

[30:35] Did you guys?

[30:36] I mean, Daniel Stern.

[30:37] I'm sorry.

[30:38] Daniel Stern and her sisters.

[30:39] Well, I mean, Stuart, you said you like the art, too, right?

[30:41] Yeah.

[30:42] I think it's awesome.

[30:43] It's black.

[30:44] Like, I love black light shit.

[30:45] That's great.

[30:46] Yeah.

[30:47] I guess I feel like he's not he's not taking advantage of the opportunities.

[30:50] But I but I don't feel like we actually got a look a good look at all of the.

[30:55] We never saw a finished piece.

[30:57] It also used me about this, honestly, was and maybe I should give the credit credit

[31:02] to the movie for not doing this, for not everything figuring into the plot.

[31:06] But I was sure that later on, like we would see this come up where there was a secret

[31:12] message in a black light painting or oh, I think I think I think you need to go back

[31:17] to the first movie, OK, because this is a setup because she used the skills she learned

[31:22] here in the that's part of being a prequel.

[31:27] I see.

[31:28] And it all and it all fits in.

[31:29] I mean, here's one where I feel like they're perfectly and this is like the rich people

[31:31] theme.

[31:32] This is supposed to be a prequel.

[31:33] Yeah.

[31:34] Yeah.

[31:35] Yeah.

[31:36] Yeah.

[31:37] For the other.

[31:38] Oh, that's why it's called First Kill.

[31:39] Yeah.

[31:40] Yeah.

[31:41] But but we don't see her first kill.

[31:42] OK, so you thought it was a sequel, even though it's set in 2007.

[31:43] You thought it was a sequel.

[31:44] I didn't even know that it was set in 2000.

[31:47] I can only assume this is Sonya 2007 at the very beginning.

[31:50] Well, I was stretching while I was watching it.

[31:54] Dan, Dan routinely gets up to cut produce while he's while he's watching the movie.

[31:57] So I can only assume that when the third movie comes out, it's going to he's she's going

[32:03] to be even younger, played by the same actor in the first place.

[32:06] It's going to be called Orphan First Kill for real.

[32:08] And she's actually going to be a kid pretending to be an adult.

[32:11] I love every movie.

[32:12] The camera just gets farther and farther and farther away from me.

[32:15] I thought that they're like they're like, Esther, let me give you a hug.

[32:20] And they have to like and they have to one of them is 50 feet behind the other.

[32:23] They have to try to find someone at the Leaning Tower of Pisa pretending they're like fake

[32:29] hands on poles.

[32:32] It's like Fay Wray and the King Kong hand.

[32:34] That's what they have to do is enormous fake arms.

[32:39] In the first one, she's a kid pretending to be a baby.

[32:41] That's what it is.

[32:42] Yeah.

[32:43] Well, I thought that the first skill would be like her as a baby tearing her way out

[32:46] of her mother's womb.

[32:47] Perfect.

[32:48] Oh, like in It's Alive.

[32:49] So but so it also this is a very obvious hitting of the theme of there's more beneath the surface

[32:54] than what you see on the surface that, you know, hidden meanings and that isn't Esther

[32:58] the ultimate hidden meaning because she's not really Esther.

[33:01] So anyway, they've they are painting in there and she starts to fall in love with the dad.

[33:06] She's really drawn to him, unintended because they're drawing and she finds an evidence

[33:12] board that of her of Esther's disappearance that her dad made.

[33:16] And Julia Stiles catches Lena putting charcoal from the sketch she made of the dad onto her

[33:22] own lips as if she's kissing the idea of the father.

[33:25] And later, later, as Julia Stiles walks in and almost looks in Lena's old book of evidence

[33:31] photos that she carries around while Lena's in the other room, binding her chest to look

[33:35] more like a kid.

[33:37] And then Lena finds Esther's diary and starts practicing the words that Esther uses in it,

[33:42] such as mommy words she never could have known before.

[33:46] So, yeah, she uses mommy with a you like either the British way or the Egyptian pharaoh starring

[33:55] Brendan Fraser.

[33:56] But yeah, I wonder, you know, she's binding her chest to look like a child.

[34:00] I wonder if that answers your question about old timey clothes to some degree, because

[34:03] I feel like if you were in just like a T-shirt, it would be hard to cover up the fact that

[34:07] you have like a bunch of like wrapping on your chest.

[34:10] Who knows?

[34:11] I don't know about that.

[34:12] If it's if it's I mean, I don't I'm not the first one to know anything about about binding

[34:16] your chest to to make it look smaller, but I mean, I don't I don't want I don't want

[34:29] to distract Stuart with my enormous breasts.

[34:31] So I have to pay attention.

[34:34] But they don't have to be tied to a certain era.

[34:37] She could wear like, yeah, they could be baggy clothes or just sweatshirts.

[34:41] Yeah. Yeah.

[34:42] I mean, overalls would make her look more like a little kid, to be honest.

[34:45] Yeah. Get some more like a farmer or an engineer.

[34:49] The problem is then Dan sees a kid wearing overalls like farmers are getting younger and

[34:54] younger. I can't believe this kid is running at your age.

[35:00] I mean, she would have to get like kind of bright overalls because she also has to wear

[35:04] a choker. So if she wants to blend in with like like a kid or I don't know.

[35:09] Yeah. Yeah. So wait, now that we're back to the clothes, I have one question.

[35:15] Yeah. Who sent her that dress in the beginning?

[35:18] Oh, I think that was just the security guard.

[35:20] Yeah. To her. Oh, look, I was at first it looked like it was male also.

[35:24] But I think that was I think he went out and bought that because he was it's pretty

[35:27] classic cam girl gift type material.

[35:32] He thinks he's grooming her, but she was grooming him for death.

[35:36] I mean, it's not creepy.

[35:37] He knows she's 30.

[35:39] I guess I mean, she's still an inmate at the asylum that he's a security guard.

[35:43] Yeah, there's still a power differential there that I think needs to.

[35:49] Yeah, that's. I'm sorry.

[35:53] Back to it. Back to anyway, it's dinner time.

[35:55] The dad's really proud of Lena's drawing.

[35:57] Julia Stiles is in a dubious mood and the detective shows up and is like, I'd love to

[36:01] have a meeting with all of you and the therapist.

[36:03] And and Lena is very rude to him and starts eating very, very aggressively.

[36:08] She steals a bunch of jewelry and some money as a rat watches from her vents.

[36:11] And this symbolizes, of course, that rats and and it's clear that she's going to try

[36:17] to escape. But she's drawn back in by seeing the dad painting away in the studio that

[36:22] night. And she goes back to her room and her rat.

[36:25] Yeah. And the next day, I got to get that daddy, she says.

[36:29] And the next day, Julia Stiles is jogging and sits on a on a like a giant manhole cover

[36:34] and looks at photos on her phone of Lena and of little Esther.

[36:38] The next day, there's a big fancy charity gala that that Julia Stiles, I guess,

[36:42] organizes or it's her charity.

[36:44] It's hers in some some way.

[36:45] And. And very weird if it's her charity, why is it for childhood cancer rather than

[36:54] like missing children?

[36:55] Wouldn't you think the charity would have something to do with the disappearance of

[36:59] her daughter? I maybe maybe her maybe the the person that she consulted with who helps

[37:04] rich people find charities thought it would help her to get closure if she was working

[37:08] on a charity that was not about missing children.

[37:10] That's true. Or maybe the maybe the missing daughter also had cancer.

[37:14] It's possible. Yeah, I had really bad luck.

[37:17] Yeah. Well, poor Esther.

[37:19] And it's luck's only to get worse for the girl pretending to be her.

[37:24] So and Julia Stiles says to her, says to the dad, she's like, when we got Esther back, I

[37:29] feel like we got us back.

[37:30] And they start making out and taking their clothes off.

[37:33] And she laughs for a moment at his funny boxer shorts.

[37:37] There's a part that's a trick to where she reaches into her underwear.

[37:41] And I was like, I'm like, wow, OK, movie like that's not something you see in these.

[37:47] I feel like every time you see a movie sex scene and someone does something that someone

[37:51] would actually do it like what with their significant other or just sexual partner, it

[37:57] always surprises me that it's not just kind of like it's not just kind of like weird, not

[38:01] quite lined up thrusting with.

[38:03] Yeah. With like with dramatic gasping.

[38:05] But the same way that like that was so was so brilliant about the scene in the sex scene

[38:10] in Don't Look Now, where it's like, yeah, and then they're naked and they brush their

[38:15] teeth and they get dressed. And like the shots of them being very casually naked around

[38:19] each other, you know, where it's like, oh, yeah, you don't normally see that in a movie.

[38:22] Normally, like there's a.

[38:24] How strange that you brought up Don't Look Now, Elliot.

[38:28] Oh, yeah. Another movie with a killer little person.

[38:31] Yeah. Anyway, so.

[38:34] And a Sutherland.

[38:36] Yeah, that's true. Oh, and Sutherland pair.

[38:39] Do you think that's what led him to this product?

[38:43] Yeah. All this time he was like, I'll show you, dad.

[38:46] I'll do a killer little person movie.

[38:48] It'll be even better than yours.

[38:49] It'll make sense. I'll have a sex scene in it.

[38:53] So Alina, though, is watching this and she's very angry and she slashes the mom's dress,

[38:57] which interrupts their lovemaking.

[38:59] And she just wears a different dress.

[39:02] And so Gunnar's supposed to watch her, his sister that night.

[39:05] Instead, he invites his friends over for a fairly tame drinking and fire pit party.

[39:09] I have to admit. And Lena watches her.

[39:11] Yeah, it's not like it's euphoria or something.

[39:13] Yeah. And she walks in as Gunnar is referring to her as a weirdo.

[39:16] And then she tells Gunnar to go fuck himself and walks off.

[39:19] And all his friends are like, oh.

[39:20] And I was like, oh, is what's going to happen to her?

[39:23] And is it going to happen to her?

[39:24] What happened to the daughter, the little sister in Hereditary?

[39:28] Because I don't think I can see another head covered in ants.

[39:30] I don't need to see that again.

[39:34] That's maybe the most distressing shot in a movie I've seen in years.

[39:39] So anyway, it gets funnier the more times you see it, though.

[39:43] That's true. How is that possible?

[39:46] So the detective shows up and he's like, hey, I just need to use your bathroom.

[39:52] And he goes and he goes in and he investigates.

[39:55] That's like a Fletch move right there.

[39:59] Yeah.

[40:00] He takes the Jimmy Durante record, not because he's a huge fan, but because he used a blacklight

[40:06] again to see that there's fingerprints on it.

[40:09] And she sees him doing this.

[40:10] And the parents get home, and the mom sees Lita's...

[40:12] He doesn't even turn off the record player.

[40:15] Just leaves it turning, turning, turning, just like life.

[40:18] They're all in the circle game, you know.

[40:20] One season you're just pretending to be a little kid, and the next you're growing up,

[40:24] you know.

[40:25] Words like, when you're older must appease her, and she's like, but I am older.

[40:28] I'm 30.

[40:29] I'm just pretending to be a child.

[40:30] What is happening?

[40:31] Dan, I'm...

[40:32] Dan, I'm celebrating the artistry of Joni Mitchell is what I'm doing, you know.

[40:36] Oh, no.

[40:37] I can get on board with that.

[40:38] I just didn't recognize...

[40:39] Okay.

[40:40] Dan, he stole her heart and her camera, so come on.

[40:44] So anyway, it's a different song.

[40:47] So she finds...

[40:48] Julius Eilts finds this book that Lena uses, and it's got all sorts of creepy pictures

[40:53] in it.

[40:55] And at the back, she sees it's marked for the Sarn Institute.

[40:58] And uh-oh.

[40:59] She thought this was safe because Lena was in the shower.

[41:02] The shower's empty, which is a huge waste of water.

[41:04] That made me so mad that Esther's just left this shower running for, I don't know how

[41:08] long.

[41:09] The detective's at home, pours himself a drink, starts doing some detective work.

[41:12] Let's take a moment to talk about how he treats his knife when he has it.

[41:17] He cut up some citrus, and then he stabs the knife into the cutting board, and I'm like,

[41:24] you're fucking ruining your knife, dude.

[41:26] I mean, spoiler alert, he's not going to be around that much longer, so I guess it's fine.

[41:30] But it was really snappy how he made the drink, you know?

[41:35] Oh, yeah.

[41:36] It was really elegant.

[41:37] Yeah, yeah.

[41:38] It's like he's doing it for TikTok or something.

[41:40] Yeah, I'd like to dance with that man.

[41:43] Yeah.

[41:44] And so he looks up the fingerprints on his computer scanner, and they are not a match

[41:49] for Esther's fingerprints.

[41:50] And he goes, you're not Esther.

[41:51] Who are you?

[41:52] And he doesn't get to answer that question, because he's stabbed in the back using that

[41:55] same citrusy knife, and you know it must hurt extra bad, because it's got lime juice on

[41:59] it.

[42:00] Yeah, that's probably what he's...

[42:01] That's probably the first thing he's going to say.

[42:02] Ow, ow, ow, ow, Bernie, Bernie.

[42:04] And that's when the mom walks in, and she doesn't say, Esther, what are you doing?

[42:09] No, she shoots the detective dead with her gun, because you know what?

[42:12] She goes, this is all I do, clean up after the kids.

[42:14] And it's from this point on that Julia Stiles goes from what you, if you don't know, if

[42:19] you didn't see a twist coming, goes from being the victim mom, the milquetoast victim

[42:23] mom, to being the gothic sassy mom who always has a quip.

[42:27] Right.

[42:28] And I also, I mean, look, you can disagree with me on this, but I think that this is

[42:32] part of the rich person thing too, is she turns into, I am the bad bitch boss mom, you

[42:42] know?

[42:43] Oh, certainly, certainly, yeah.

[42:44] Who's wealthy and used to having to take care of this shit, you know?

[42:49] Just like Lena's pretending to be Esther, Julia Stiles has been pretending to be the

[42:54] suburban, you know, upper class mom who doesn't have secrets.

[42:58] I really like her performance when she pulls this switch, like earlier.

[43:03] She makes, you can agree that she makes a meal of the role.

[43:06] Yes, very much so.

[43:08] You can tell, you can tell this is a Swim fan we're dealing with.

[43:10] This isn't her first crazy rodeo.

[43:12] Well, but it's also-

[43:13] That's Erica Christensen, dude.

[43:14] Piece of shit.

[43:15] Damn, it is.

[43:16] Okay, you can tell that there are 10 things she hates about you.

[43:19] Okay, I'll allow it.

[43:21] This is like, I mean-

[43:23] She knows how to step up.

[43:25] Yep.

[43:26] Like early in the film, though.

[43:28] This is Rachel at the wedding we're seeing here.

[43:30] I know.

[43:32] What is-

[43:33] Rachel's getting married?

[43:34] Oh yeah, Rachel's getting married.

[43:35] She's not in that either.

[43:36] Oh, that's right.

[43:37] It's almost neither of those things.

[43:38] Rachel and Margo went to different weddings.

[43:40] Yeah, when this twist happened, I just said, oh-

[43:43] When Rachel was getting married-

[43:45] Yeah, thank you.

[43:46] When Rachel got married, she was at the wedding, though.

[43:48] So let's say, let's give you that, at least.

[43:50] Yeah.

[43:51] No, I just wanted to say, though, because it was funny to me.

[43:53] We were watching it, and Audrey's like, did Julia Stiles get worse at acting, or are they

[43:58] not giving her much of a character?

[44:01] And then she's so good at playing the part once the pretense falls away, and it's clear

[44:07] that the problem is just, yeah, she has to play this line, you know, before-

[44:12] She's deliberately playing an uninteresting character up to that point, for the contrast.

[44:17] But it also shows that the thing, so from this point in the movie, I was on board with

[44:22] this movie, because I was like, oh, this is a Bonkers movie, okay.

[44:25] But it takes a very long time to get there.

[44:28] Sorry, Bonkers.

[44:29] Everyone's favorite cat made out of chewing gum.

[44:31] The movie that opens with explaining that this little girl's actually a 31-year-old

[44:36] con artist, that was like, Elliot's like, not Chris, you know?

[44:41] Only because I've seen, not that gimmick, but that I've seen movies about brilliant

[44:46] serial killers who escape and trick people and things like that.

[44:51] Like, I've seen that movie a lot of times.

[44:53] And so, for it to just be, and I know the basic premise of the first Orphan movie.

[44:58] And I'm so used to slasher movies where they're like, it's the same thing, but now it's at

[45:02] a different house, that I was worried this was gonna be another one of those.

[45:05] And so from this point on, it entered into more kind of like, just more fun territory.

[45:10] The movie stops taking itself as seriously as it was, and starts being like, alright

[45:16] guys, let's loosen up.

[45:18] Let's get loose and let's get wild.

[45:20] I will say, I don't, you know, there's no-

[45:22] By the end, it's almost into Universal Monsters territory, by the end of it.

[45:25] But anyway, you're saying?

[45:26] There's no, you know, for someone who is like me, who reads a lot about movies, I can't

[45:31] avoid knowing when something is gonna have a twist.

[45:35] So I walked into this movie knowing it's gonna have a twist, which is always a problem because

[45:40] then you start anticipating what it is.

[45:42] And pretty early on, I'm like, okay, well, if I was doing this, where would I take this

[45:48] to make it, you know, like work as a sequel?

[45:51] Because you've already burned the thing.

[45:52] And I'm like, oh, I bet that what is gonna happen is like, one of these family members

[45:57] or more, like, knows what happened to the original Esther, like, so they know from the

[46:04] start that this person is, is not-

[46:06] That's a con.

[46:07] That's a con, but they have to play along with it because they would be revealed, you

[46:12] know, and lo and behold, that's what happened.

[46:15] Speaking of, here's the twist, let's reveal it, everybody.

[46:18] And so I didn't know there was a twist in this going in.

[46:19] So I was like, oh, okay, I thought this was gonna be more by the numbers than it was.

[46:23] So mom reveals, hey, a while back, Gunner was playing rough with Esther and accidentally

[46:29] killed her.

[46:30] And they don't go into further detail, but we can assume the worst, I guess.

[46:34] So we faked her disappearance, we threw her body down a well, and dad doesn't know the

[46:39] truth.

[46:40] So you, but you're making dad happy, and I'm finally getting some.

[46:43] So he's been too sad to get it up, and now I am not going back to that.

[46:47] He's wearing his silly boxers again, and that means he is horny.

[46:50] So I am, so you got to pretend to be Esther a little bit longer, and we can help you out.

[46:55] You can live this, I'm gonna like it here, rich life and not go back to an Estonian mental

[46:59] institution.

[47:00] And they clean up after, she cleans up after Lena, they throw the detective's body down

[47:04] the same well that Esther's body is in.

[47:07] And mom talks to Gunner, and he is like, I don't like this situation.

[47:10] And she's like, you are, you are gonna do this.

[47:12] Maybe you shouldn't have killed your sister if you didn't want to have to deal with it.

[47:16] And Lena becomes better friends with the rat that lives in her vent.

[47:19] There's a moment where they're talking, and Gunner's like, this is insane, even for us.

[47:25] And I'm like, I just, I just want to say that about me and my friends sometimes.

[47:29] Also, I feel like every time we're like, hey, do you want to go see a movie like, man, that

[47:33] sounds crazy, even for us.

[47:37] But also, I like that that implies that maybe it wasn't just the one murder that this family

[47:44] has always been like, these two, the mom and the...

[47:46] I mean, maybe, but I mean, like, accidentally killing your sister, and or deliberately,

[47:50] who knows, and then your mom helping you cover it up and never tell your dad.

[47:53] That's a pretty, that's already a pretty high bar.

[47:55] I know that for realsies, they're not saying that other things happen.

[48:00] I've seen a lot of plays where families get together for the holidays and a secret comes

[48:04] out and the secret is usually like an affair or that someone's gay.

[48:08] It's usually not, we killed a sibling and we covered it up unless it's a buried child,

[48:13] I guess.

[48:14] You know?

[48:15] Yeah.

[48:16] I do feel like the only truly loathsome character in this is Gunner.

[48:20] Oh, yeah.

[48:21] Gunner set up to be.

[48:22] Yes.

[48:23] And so...

[48:24] Because you understand the mom.

[48:25] Like, you understand her plight.

[48:26] She didn't want to lose both of her kids.

[48:28] One of them was already dead.

[48:29] I mean, but Gunner's such a dick.

[48:30] Losing him is not a real loss, but...

[48:32] The thing about Gunner is that at no point does he get a win.

[48:36] Like, he's like, he occasionally wins in that fencing competition.

[48:39] He's a fencing star in the beginning.

[48:41] Yeah, kind of.

[48:42] I mean, his, I don't know.

[48:43] Like, I feel like he gets so, like, he doesn't really get one up on Esther other than like

[48:48] being slightly shittier to her.

[48:51] And yeah, he gets like slapped, kicked in the balls, sprayed mace in the face, all kinds

[48:56] of shit.

[48:57] But it's also, this is, what they're doing here is it's like, the one thing I didn't

[49:01] that was bugging me a little bit by the end of this was that there's no, and this is fine

[49:05] in some movies, but there's no hero in the movie.

[49:08] They have to turn Lena into the protagonist of the movie.

[49:12] And to do that, it means you need a hierarchy of assholes, basically, where Julia Stiles

[49:16] has to be now a threat to Esther, and then Gunner has to be so incredibly unlikable that

[49:21] we are rooting for Lena, a murderer who we saw kill plenty of innocent people, to go

[49:25] after him.

[49:26] I think that's what makes it interesting.

[49:28] It does.

[49:29] I mean, it would if it's just another thing that, like, I've seen, but it's the same thing

[49:32] with Hannibal Lecter, where they're like, this guy is a monster, but you know what?

[49:36] Now that we're making a sequel, he's the hero.

[49:37] So we got to come up with a worse guy.

[49:39] You know, now the wolf man is chasing after Satan.

[49:42] You know, I don't, I don't, I mean, I see what you're saying.

[49:45] I don't necessarily look at it that way of like, we're turning into her into like the

[49:48] hero.

[49:49] I just, I like a movie occasionally where I'm not expected to sympathize with anyone.

[49:55] And it's like what you call it, like what I might call like a shark's movie, where

[50:00] Like there's just like a bunch of sharks, like fighting it out with one another.

[50:04] Oh no, I like that.

[50:05] Who's the smartest shark?

[50:06] You know?

[50:07] I like that too.

[50:08] I feel like, I think that's when the movie is working at its best, it's like that.

[50:10] But there were times where I feel like you were supposed to be, it was very clear that

[50:13] you were on, you're supposed to be on Lena's side.

[50:16] You know?

[50:17] It was, there was, I don't think there was ever a point where it was like, uh oh, let's

[50:21] see what happens.

[50:22] It's not, um, I'm trying to think of movies like that where it's like bad people getting

[50:26] their comeuppance whenever, it's not the lady killers, something like that.

[50:28] Although even then the old lady, you know, you're on her side, but, uh, so anyway, um,

[50:34] they, uh, where was I?

[50:35] Let me get my, back to my notes.

[50:36] Okay, so, uh, Gunner, uh, this in, in the most setup-y setup shot I've ever seen in

[50:42] a movie, Gunner is randomly teaching his dad how to use a crossbow and we just see it for

[50:47] like 35 seconds and it's like, come on movie, can you, you had, I know, now you know a crossbow

[50:53] is going to be used later.

[50:54] A longbow is a much more effective weapon.

[50:57] Well, but also like there is, there is no situation in which a guy would be showing

[51:02] his dad in Darien, Connecticut, how to use a crossbow unless that crossbow is going to

[51:06] be used to kill somebody later on in the movie.

[51:07] It was just so, at that point you might, you should have just had it that the dad collects

[51:11] medieval weapons or something like that.

[51:12] No, I think Jane has a pretty good point, like with, if it was a longbow, like longbows

[51:16] got greater range and in the arms of a trained, uh, English longbowman, I mean, the punching

[51:21] power, like it can go right through a tree.

[51:23] No, no, that's true.

[51:24] You have to look at what the battle of the battle of Cressy, right?

[51:27] And like an action core to show you how powerful a longbow is.

[51:30] I mean, again, when you cross was actually used, it's a very short distance in the film.

[51:34] You, a longbow at that point would be unwieldy in that space.

[51:37] Uh, but you know, I mean, a crossbow, traditionally they protect themselves with a pavise as well.

[51:42] Not necessarily in this movie because she's not going up against another ranged, uh, infantry.

[51:46] A longbow, a longbow also, you'd have to get a pretty good arc on that arrow, right?

[51:51] Is my assumption.

[51:52] You wouldn't use it just for a straight shot, would you?

[51:54] What's that cider called?

[51:55] What's that cider?

[51:56] Strongbow.

[51:57] Strongbow.

[51:58] Oh, strongbow.

[51:59] Yeah.

[52:00] That was funny.

[52:01] Cause I could see as soon as we started talking about longbows, I could see Hallie's attention

[52:04] go elsewhere.

[52:05] Like I could, I was like, Oh, Hallie's thinking about something else.

[52:07] I wonder what it is.

[52:09] It reminds me of, I think my favorite thing that Hallie ever said to me when, at the,

[52:13] when we used to work together at the Daily Show where you were like, how many times am

[52:16] I going to have to listen to you guys talk about fucking Star Wars?

[52:19] And it was clear it was the least interesting thing you could imagine talking about.

[52:23] Yes.

[52:24] It was amazing.

[52:25] And it was so many more times that you had to listen to it.

[52:27] Yeah.

[52:28] Uh, I was also thinking about, we need to talk about Kevin speaking of, that's a longbow,

[52:34] right?

[52:35] Yeah.

[52:36] Yeah.

[52:37] Hunter's bow.

[52:38] I'd say.

[52:39] And it's back in the news because as the, as the, as the star of the movie becomes more

[52:43] and more like the main character from the movie.

[52:45] Really?

[52:46] Not the, I would argue that Tilda is the star.

[52:48] Okay.

[52:49] Tilda's the protagonist.

[52:51] As the, as the second lead of the movie becomes more and more like the antagonist in the film.

[52:54] Did he kill somebody?

[52:55] I mean, he's a, he's attacking people all the time and yeah, he's in tons of legal trouble

[52:58] and yeah.

[52:59] It's fair.

[53:00] It's a, it actually seems like he's having a serious mental health crisis, um, much in

[53:05] the same way that Kanye West stopped being someone that it felt good to make fun about

[53:08] because you were like, Oh, he's, he's having a real break.

[53:11] But anyway.

[53:12] I didn't know that was him and we need to talk about Kevin.

[53:14] Yeah.

[53:15] Oh yeah.

[53:16] It's breakout role.

[53:17] It's the inevitable result of Tilda Swinton and John C. Reilly having a child.

[53:22] It's just like the old Conan O'Brien.

[53:23] If they made it routine, they just took their pictures and switched it.

[53:27] And that's what, that obviously, uh, obviously, uh, Zack Snyder was watching it and he said,

[53:31] that's my, the flash right there.

[53:34] And then, uh, the movie Ricky and the flash came out and he auditioned to be the flash

[53:37] in that.

[53:38] And they said, no, you made a mistake.

[53:39] This is not about the DC character.

[53:41] The flash.

[53:42] I mean, the flash is kind of the band, I think.

[53:45] Right.

[53:46] Yeah.

[53:47] And they advertised to be Ricky.

[53:48] Cause I read a lot of Ricky Ticci Tavi before this.

[53:50] No, it's not actually a movie about a mongoose.

[53:52] Meryl Streep's going to play the part.

[53:53] Can I be the lead in Ricky don't lose that number.

[53:56] It's like, that's a song.

[53:57] That's a song.

[53:58] It's not a movie that we do sometimes make movies based on songs, but not that one.

[54:02] Although they can easily make a movie based on that where Ricky keeps losing that number

[54:06] and he has to keep getting it back.

[54:07] Can I be the host of the Ricky Lake show?

[54:09] No, again, that's a person, Ricky Lake.

[54:11] Oh, I thought it was a Lake that I would jump in.

[54:13] And I tell people about the Lake and why it's so beautiful to have a houseboat there.

[54:17] No, it's not a real Lake.

[54:18] Oh, she's not a real person.

[54:19] No, she is a real person.

[54:20] Ricky Lake.

[54:21] She was in Serial Mom.

[54:22] Anyway.

[54:23] So, uh, you can't, you can't get more real than that.

[54:27] Anyway.

[54:28] Yeah.

[54:29] The role she's best known for is Serial Mom.

[54:34] Sorry.

[54:35] The role she's better known for Mrs. Winterborne.

[54:37] Anyway.

[54:38] So, uh, so while the hairspray, I was hairspray.

[54:43] I was joking.

[54:44] Again, I guess, uh, for me, hairspray is a divine movie, but you know, a gunner teaches

[54:50] dad to use a crossbow while mom is coaching Lena for her next therapy session.

[54:53] And the next therapy session, it's an all family session.

[54:56] And Lena quote reminisces unquote about a vacation they took where her dad fell off

[55:00] a horse and he had shit in his hair or something.

[55:03] I love this scene where she is like, so excited to tell this fucking story.

[55:08] And it's like, back up, back up, Lena, this is too much.

[55:11] You're getting way too into this shit talking about how he fell off, stretched the horse.

[55:16] Uh, it's a, it's hilarious.

[55:18] Now, also this, this Esther is supposed to be what, 10?

[55:22] Like that's what, like she is so self-possessed in the way she talks, like that's that even

[55:29] more than the way she looks.

[55:31] It just is not.

[55:32] How long was she supposed to have been gone?

[55:34] Like four years, I think.

[55:35] Right?

[55:36] Yeah.

[55:37] Three or four years.

[55:38] If I asked a 10 year old to remember all this stuff that happened when they were six,

[55:42] I don't think that they would actually be able to recall.

[55:44] I asked my, my kid who's three, what happened like last month and he has no memory of it.

[55:49] Yeah.

[55:50] Why?

[55:51] And I asked my kids what happened at school today.

[55:52] I don't know.

[55:53] Yeah.

[55:54] Yeah.

[55:55] So.

[55:56] Beginning to shut you out.

[55:57] Beginning.

[55:58] Oh, the process is well underway.

[55:59] Yeah.

[56:00] Unless I have something they want.

[56:02] Like a hand that can throw a ball at them to hit with a bat.

[56:06] Anyway.

[56:07] You're one of the top owners of hands in this household, father.

[56:12] And then the other, the other kid comes and goes, you have eyes, don't you?

[56:15] What do you say to reading me four Ivy and Bean books in a row?

[56:19] They're really good books though.

[56:20] Anyway.

[56:21] So they have a party where, where the mom coaches Lena how to be at the party and she

[56:25] plays piano for everybody.

[56:27] Gunner confronts Lena and threatens her.

[56:29] He's like, I own you.

[56:30] And that night the dad is like, I'm going to my gallery tomorrow.

[56:33] He talks like this.

[56:34] He's always talking.

[56:35] I love it.

[56:37] I'm a painter.

[56:38] I'm so sensitive.

[56:39] Anyway.

[56:40] Uh, the same way that I feel like almost every male actor talks now in movies, it's, I call

[56:43] it the Tom Hardy where there's a lot of like, Oh, okay, I'll go over here.

[56:47] Like we're all trying to be Marlon Brando, I guess.

[56:48] Anyway.

[56:49] So the, uh, he, and, uh, Lena's like, I'd like to go.

[56:52] And mom says, no, you can not go to the gallery with dad.

[56:55] Uh, because knowing that Lena on her own with dad is just a thousand traps that Lena might

[57:00] fall into.

[57:01] I want to talk.

[57:02] He'll probably really fall in love with his daughter if she spends one day with him in

[57:05] the city.

[57:07] There are more and more instances as the film goes along, but I just want to say that Gunner

[57:13] and, uh, Julia Stiles is character are both really cavalier about being mean to this criminally

[57:21] insane Estonian murder.

[57:23] It's one of the, it's something that happens in movies a lot.

[57:26] Uh, and I guess also in the Trump administration where you're like, I have something on this

[57:31] person.

[57:32] That means I own them and they forget that this other person is a maniac and it doesn't

[57:35] really care.

[57:37] You know, and always, always has an escape plan, which is I can murder you, I guess.

[57:40] It does feel a little bit like we've like fallen into a rolled doll story.

[57:44] You can see that.

[57:46] Oh, have you guys ever had rolled doll?

[57:48] They roll it up around cheese and so it's just delicious.

[57:51] Yeah.

[57:52] But, but you're right.

[57:53] I feel like what was it?

[57:54] I was watching something recently where it was a similar thing where it was like, I'm

[57:57] going to tell everybody about your criminal past and how you murdered people unless you

[58:00] pay me $20,000.

[58:01] And he's like, all right, come over to my house and I'll pay you.

[58:04] And then kills them.

[58:05] Oh, right.

[58:06] He's a murderer.

[58:07] I forget.

[58:08] Do you think, uh, do you think rolled doll, uh, had to come up with a pen name real quick

[58:11] and he saw somebody rolling like a, somebody's doll down a hill and he's like rolled doll.

[58:18] He was like at a, uh, he was at his kitchen table and he was like, uh, roll, uh, uh, doll.

[58:27] He was like, we need you.

[58:28] And the police officer's like, oh, well, I guess checks out.

[58:31] You're an author.

[58:32] You're a famous author.

[58:34] Checks out and then writes that name in under a lamb to the slaughter by, and then submits

[58:38] it to the New Yorker.

[58:43] So, uh, so the, uh, mom, she thinks she's being sneaky.

[58:46] She drugs Lena's dinner and then feeds her a totally different food than everybody else

[58:50] is getting.

[58:51] And, uh, but Lena doesn't want to eat it.

[58:52] She feeds it to her friend, the vent rat.

[58:54] And, uh, dad goes, Hey, why don't you come paint with me?

[58:56] And they bond as mom watches ominously.

[58:59] And when dad comes in, mom comes in and insults Lena.

[59:01] And I, I had to remind myself, oh yeah, she's talking to a 30 year old woman.

[59:04] Cause she's like, you think he'd be interested in you?

[59:07] You will never have him.

[59:08] Now.

[59:09] I'm going to go fuck my husband.

[59:10] I was like, oh, right, right.

[59:12] Cause he's talking to a grownup.

[59:13] I can't.

[59:14] Yeah.

[59:15] Yeah.

[59:16] And, uh, you'll never be in a relationship with him.

[59:18] And Lena comes back up and finds her pet.

[59:20] She does call her like, she does call her a mutant freak a couple of times.

[59:23] Yeah.

[59:24] They get very mean.

[59:25] Well, she specifically calls her a mutant grifter and I'm like, I don't think grifter

[59:29] was a mutant, right?

[59:31] No, he was a super soldier who took a different thing.

[59:33] Well, he was, he was a combination of human DNA and, and alien DNA, right?

[59:38] As all the wild cats were.

[59:39] Now, Hallie, are you thinking about cider again now?

[59:44] I was thinking about, there was like a mini series many years ago called grifters.

[59:48] Do you remember that?

[59:49] Well, what was that?

[59:50] What was the TV show with, uh, with Eddie Izzard and mini driver where they were grifters?

[59:53] Was that doing time on Maplewood drive?

[59:55] No.

[59:56] Is the movie where Jim Carrey is in a family with.

[1:00:00] I think it's Travelers.

[1:00:02] Travelers?

[1:00:03] No, Travelers is an insurance company.

[1:00:05] No, because...

[1:00:06] Well, I mean...

[1:00:07] Travelers is like...

[1:00:08] Travelers is like what you do when you go on a trip.

[1:00:11] I thought it was...

[1:00:13] I thought it was inexplicably popular.

[1:00:15] Blue is a very popular kind of music.

[1:00:17] No, blue is the color.

[1:00:19] I feel like it was The Riches.

[1:00:20] I'm going to look this shit up.

[1:00:21] The Riches, that's what it was.

[1:00:22] Yeah, they were a Romani family, but it was called The Riches.

[1:00:25] Boom, boom, boom.

[1:00:26] So anyway...

[1:00:28] Wasn't there a movie called...

[1:00:30] Probably.

[1:00:31] There was a movie called The Grifters from years ago.

[1:00:34] Uh-huh.

[1:00:35] Anyway.

[1:00:36] And Eddie and the Cruisers.

[1:00:38] There's also...

[1:00:40] And there's also La Bamba, right?

[1:00:43] I loved that movie.

[1:00:45] The Commitments.

[1:00:46] The Commitments.

[1:00:47] The Five Heartbreaks, right?

[1:00:49] Or Five Heartbeats.

[1:00:50] Is Lou Diamond Phillips canceled?

[1:00:52] I don't know.

[1:00:53] What did he do?

[1:00:54] I think...

[1:00:55] I don't know.

[1:00:56] I was thinking about him fondly recently, and then it popped into my head, like, wait,

[1:01:00] is he canceled?

[1:01:01] Well, I think...

[1:01:02] You know what it turned out?

[1:01:03] He was actually Lou Blood Diamond Phillips, and that's an excuse of all.

[1:01:05] His middle name was not ethically sourced?

[1:01:07] No, he was actually Conflict Diamond all the time.

[1:01:11] So anyway, the next day...

[1:01:13] So Lena finds her rat dead, and she gets her revenge the next day.

[1:01:17] She goes, I made a smoothie for you, Mom, and it's got a dead rat in it.

[1:01:20] I do love how many times she refuses the smoothie before being forced to drink it.

[1:01:26] Yeah.

[1:01:27] Yeah.

[1:01:28] That kind of stuff I love, when an ordinary thing is freighted with cat and mouse gaming.

[1:01:33] This is, I think, maybe my favorite section of the movie, because the movie is just like,

[1:01:37] you know what you want to see.

[1:01:39] It's the two of them trying to kill each other and kind of getting pranks on each other.

[1:01:42] Yeah.

[1:01:43] Anyway, but then it gets sloppy.

[1:01:45] They're at a train station, seeing the dad off to go to New York, and Mom and Gunnar

[1:01:49] are talking, and the dad goes, hey, go over to your mom and your brother.

[1:01:53] I'm going to go get some coffees.

[1:01:55] And Lena is about to push the mom in front of a train, but bumps into a bystander,

[1:01:59] who just kind of collides with her, and who intervenes.

[1:02:02] And the way she's going to push the mom, and I assume Gunnar, is just really clumsy and sloppy.

[1:02:06] Like there's nothing slick about it.

[1:02:08] This isn't even the first appearance of Venom, where he's just a hand in a crowd

[1:02:12] that pushes Peter Parker onto subway tracks.

[1:02:15] And Peter Parker's like, why didn't my spider sense go off?

[1:02:17] And you didn't find out for a little bit later.

[1:02:18] It's because that guy's a symbiote that used to live on Peter Parker's pants.

[1:02:22] Anyway, or on his body.

[1:02:23] Halley's got cider eyes.

[1:02:25] Yeah.

[1:02:26] She's got it.

[1:02:27] It's like that's the sequel to Betty Davis.

[1:02:29] Yeah.

[1:02:31] She's got Betty's cider eyes.

[1:02:32] She's got Halley's cider eyes.

[1:02:34] That's funny.

[1:02:36] So Mom is like, that's it.

[1:02:40] You're dead.

[1:02:41] And Lena escapes from them.

[1:02:42] She gets into their car and drives away.

[1:02:44] And here we have another great moment.

[1:02:46] Lena's driving in some snowy woods.

[1:02:48] It looks like they shot Estonia and Darien Kinetic look almost identical.

[1:02:52] And she turns on the radio and Maniac on the Floor is playing.

[1:02:56] She puts on sunglasses.

[1:02:58] She starts smoking.

[1:02:59] Does she put on lipstick too?

[1:03:01] Yeah.

[1:03:02] It's awesome.

[1:03:03] And this is the one time in the whole movie where she looked like a kid to me,

[1:03:06] was when she was trying her best to look like a cool grownup.

[1:03:09] Do you think they had to make a giant-sized car for her to drive?

[1:03:13] Yeah.

[1:03:14] Because remember, she was like all-

[1:03:16] I think she's just scrunched down.

[1:03:18] She's just scrunched.

[1:03:20] I love the idea.

[1:03:24] All the money and the budget went to making this giant car a cab that she could sit in.

[1:03:28] And the police pull her over and bring her back home.

[1:03:30] I would be surprised if they cut out part of the seat or something, though.

[1:03:34] They must have done something, yeah.

[1:03:36] I think she was just leaning way down low.

[1:03:38] I mean, her name's Lena.

[1:03:40] Good point.

[1:03:43] She gets brought back home, and Gunner and her mom are like,

[1:03:45] okay, we're just going to fake your suicide.

[1:03:47] We're going to slash your wrist.

[1:03:48] But she gets free.

[1:03:49] I fucking love this part because they get home.

[1:03:52] Okay, tell me about it, Stu.

[1:03:53] Well, I love that they come home, and they're like, okay, fuck this.

[1:03:56] Let's just kill her.

[1:03:58] And Gunner's like, finally.

[1:04:00] And they go up to the bedroom where Lena's at, and Lena turns around and sees them waiting to kill her.

[1:04:06] And she's like, oh, fuck.

[1:04:09] It is the moment where I'm like, oh, yeah, they're trying to kill each other.

[1:04:13] Yeah, yeah, that's right.

[1:04:14] The gloves are off.

[1:04:15] The choker remains on.

[1:04:17] But she runs away, and the mom is like, Gunner, finish this.

[1:04:21] And he takes out his fencing saber.

[1:04:23] He almost puts his fencing mask on and decides that's dumb and throws it down in a moment that is totally unnecessary,

[1:04:30] but I thought really good for that character.

[1:04:32] Just like him putting the fencing mask on and looking himself in a shiny piece of art and being like,

[1:04:36] oh, no, no, that's stupid and taking it off.

[1:04:39] He doesn't get the chance to stab her with his saber, though, because she's waiting for him with the crossbow

[1:04:44] and shoots him to death with that and then stabs him to death with the saber.

[1:04:47] And it's just like – anyway, that's it for the crossbow.

[1:04:51] That's a wrap for the crossbow, everybody.

[1:04:53] I enjoy what I think Stu seems to enjoy about this is how inauspicious Gunner's demise is

[1:05:00] because he is the worst of them.

[1:05:02] So it's just like, well, you don't even get, like, much of anything.

[1:05:06] You just get shot.

[1:05:07] You get a distance attack.

[1:05:09] He gets treated like trash.

[1:05:11] And meanwhile, Julia Stiles gets a call from her husband who's like, hey, I got a call from the cops about Esther.

[1:05:17] And she's like, oh, that's no big deal.

[1:05:18] I got it taken care of.

[1:05:19] He's like, I'm going to come home anyway.

[1:05:20] She's like, not a big deal.

[1:05:22] It's really good.

[1:05:23] Yeah, and so there's a couple moments during this whole sequence where Esther, like, falls down somewhere

[1:05:29] or disappears on a corner and is suddenly – seems to be gone.

[1:05:31] But this is where we get what the movie is promising from the moment of the twist,

[1:05:35] which is hand-to-hand combat between Lena and Julia Stiles.

[1:05:40] And they're just smashing things over each other's heads.

[1:05:42] They're in this Nancy Meyers-esque kitchen just, like, breaking everything until the kitchen catches on fire.

[1:05:49] They end up on the roof of the house.

[1:05:52] The house bursts into flame so fast.

[1:05:54] The roof.

[1:05:55] This house must have been –

[1:05:56] The roof is on fire.

[1:05:57] The house is made out of oily rags somehow because it goes up so fast.

[1:06:01] Well, the dad's a painter, you know.

[1:06:03] Oh, that's true.

[1:06:04] It is full of turpentine rags, yeah.

[1:06:06] And so this is where the movie I feel like enters, yeah, Universal Monsters territory

[1:06:11] because they're literally fighting on the roof of a burning mansion.

[1:06:14] The dad shows – they end up both hanging off the gutters on the roof, which is silly.

[1:06:21] Oh, you forgot one part, which was when they were chasing each other, her teeth got knocked out.

[1:06:25] Oh, right, right.

[1:06:26] Her fake teeth.

[1:06:27] She has fake kid teeth that she wears.

[1:06:30] Only part of them got knocked out because the dad shows up.

[1:06:33] He arrives.

[1:06:34] They're both hanging from the roof.

[1:06:35] Who's dad going to save?

[1:06:36] And Julia Stiles starts yelling, she's an adult.

[1:06:38] She's not Esther.

[1:06:39] It's weird.

[1:06:40] She's an adult.

[1:06:41] Yeah.

[1:06:42] But in a kind of confusingly edited sequence, it seems like the dad either doesn't make a decision in time

[1:06:49] or moves towards Esther, and Julia Stiles just lets go and falls to the ground and headbursts on the ground.

[1:06:55] Yeah.

[1:06:56] I mean, it's – he decides to save Esther first, I guess, but it's not like he's making a choice.

[1:07:03] Audience interpretation.

[1:07:04] Yeah, well, but I just feel like this –

[1:07:07] The sign of art, yeah, is that we can –

[1:07:09] I agree with Elliot that I think that this should be much more clear that, like,

[1:07:13] he has to make a choice between them and makes the wrong one.

[1:07:18] Yes.

[1:07:19] Whereas this seemed a little muddy to me.

[1:07:21] The way you could have done this, not saying –

[1:07:23] What do you think, Stuart?

[1:07:24] Oh, yeah.

[1:07:25] I mean, I think he made the right choice because Julia Stiles hid the murder of his daughter.

[1:07:30] Yeah, he needed to get out of that relationship, but maybe don't save Esther either, though.

[1:07:36] Did you say Sylvester?

[1:07:37] Yeah.

[1:07:38] Yeah.

[1:07:39] I said Sylvester.

[1:07:40] You have to save Sylvester from Cracked Magazine, who is bedeviling him all the time.

[1:07:45] If you're going to save Sylvester from anybody, it's that baby kangaroo that keeps kicking him in the face.

[1:07:49] That's true.

[1:07:50] My father, afraid of a mouse.

[1:07:52] That's not a mouse.

[1:07:53] No, I know.

[1:07:54] You think it's a huge –

[1:07:55] Much as Esther is actually a small adult, that mouse is actually –

[1:07:59] What you think is a big mouse is actually a small kangaroo.

[1:08:02] What if –

[1:08:03] It was –

[1:08:04] They should have –

[1:08:05] If Looney Tunes was still around –

[1:08:06] Oh, damn it.

[1:08:07] They should have done what's called Orphan First Kick, where the kangaroo deliberately sneaks into the house

[1:08:11] pretending to be a mouse and has to take Sylvester out when Sylvester learns it's secret.

[1:08:15] Oh, Looney Tunes.

[1:08:17] If only HBO Max wasn't cutting back on animation.

[1:08:20] Anyway.

[1:08:21] So dad helps her up, and that's when he sees her fake kid dentures coming out, and he's like, what the hell is this?

[1:08:30] She's like, it's okay.

[1:08:32] I love you.

[1:08:33] We can be together, and he goes, you're a monster, and then he just falls to his death too.

[1:08:36] And then the Jimmy Durante song starts playing as Lena very casually –

[1:08:41] Slowly.

[1:08:42] Goes to her burning room, gets a clean choker, gets her old book, packs her bag.

[1:08:47] All the while not asphyxiating from smoke.

[1:08:51] That's one of the advantages of being very short is that all the smoke is on the ceiling.

[1:08:58] And also that it's clearly CGI flames, so don't worry.

[1:09:01] She was never really in danger.

[1:09:03] And there's firetrucks.

[1:09:05] When she walks out, there's firetrucks outside, but the firetrucks are not doing anything, and there's no firefighters around,

[1:09:10] which I thought was a very funny choice, that they're like, we better show there's firetrucks there.

[1:09:14] But we don't want to have people playing firefighters, and we don't want to –

[1:09:18] They blew the budget building that huge car for firefighters.

[1:09:23] They're like, look, you can have two firefighters, or you can have a giant car that she looks like a little kid in.

[1:09:28] I can only assume that this –

[1:09:29] Get the people who made that chair for Lily Tomlin.

[1:09:32] Sorry, sorry.

[1:09:34] But I'm assuming this movie is –

[1:09:36] Wait, hold on.

[1:09:37] They're like, but he retired.

[1:09:38] He lives at a cabin in the woods, and they go to this cabin, and he's chopping a huge log with a huge axe.

[1:09:44] And they drive up, and he goes, how'd you find me?

[1:09:47] I stopped making giant stuff a long time ago.

[1:09:52] We're calling you back in at a retirement.

[1:09:54] It's a job only you can do.

[1:09:56] Anyway, sorry.

[1:09:58] No, no, no.

[1:09:59] I just – I'm assuming –

[1:10:00] This movie is made during the pandemic, and it did have probably a pretty modest budget.

[1:10:05] And, uh, like this is the kind of house that they would have at least one housekeeper.

[1:10:10] So I'm assuming they're just like as few extras as possible.

[1:10:14] Oh, yes, very much.

[1:10:15] I mean, that's and that's that's the one when you're making a movie that's set almost entirely

[1:10:18] in one house.

[1:10:19] That's one of the one of the good things about it is you lower the cast quite a bit.

[1:10:22] You're right.

[1:10:22] A house like that would at least have like groundskeeper or something like that.

[1:10:26] It's a huge house.

[1:10:27] Anyway, uh, epilogue.

[1:10:30] Lena is still pretending to be Esther.

[1:10:31] It's it's I have to assume deliberately reminiscent of the end of Psycho.

[1:10:35] And, uh, the therapist is like, I'm sure we can find a family to adopt her.

[1:10:41] Setting the stage for Orphan, the previous movie.

[1:10:45] The first movie.

[1:10:45] Well, also, if you like, the funny thing is, if you look at the trivia for Orphan First

[1:10:51] Kill, like there's something that says something that like this movie was like one of the

[1:10:56] biggest goals of this movie was to close the plot hole of the first Orphan where it's

[1:11:03] like, how did this, uh, you know, foreign woman, you know, that papers or whatever,

[1:11:09] like, how was she up for adoption adoption agency in the United States in the U.S.?

[1:11:16] Like, what was that?

[1:11:16] And I'm like, well, I don't know that it was made to close that plot hole.

[1:11:21] That's I guess they made it a priority.

[1:11:24] I have to assume that either the star of the movie, the director tossing and turning every

[1:11:28] night saying, I can't I can't live my life.

[1:11:32] And their wife was like trying to get intimate.

[1:11:34] And they're like, honey, what's wrong?

[1:11:36] You wore your cute boxers.

[1:11:39] I'm sorry.

[1:11:40] I'm just thinking about that plot hole.

[1:11:42] I'm going to go sleep in the in the garage.

[1:11:45] Well, yeah, when Julia Stiles is doing the press tour for the movie, she's like, yeah,

[1:11:48] I felt really passionate about this project because it gives us an opportunity to close

[1:11:52] existing plot hole.

[1:11:53] Yeah.

[1:11:54] She goes, she goes.

[1:11:55] Now, a lot of people who've paid attention to my career know that I'm all about closure,

[1:12:00] closure for movies that I'm not in.

[1:12:03] That's why I made the movie, Oh, to finally close the loop that Othello left open.

[1:12:07] Some would say that there's not actually much closure for my character in the board

[1:12:11] movies.

[1:12:12] I always seemed like I would be more important than I ultimately was, but.

[1:12:19] Well, that's probably enough about Orphan.

[1:12:20] We've talked for almost the length of the movie.

[1:12:22] Yeah.

[1:12:23] So, guys, let's go to our final judgments.

[1:12:25] Is this spookily better than you expected?

[1:12:28] Is it creepily boring or is it?

[1:12:32] Chain rattle, chain rattle, chain rattle bad.

[1:12:34] I can tell you what our trademark shock timber.

[1:12:39] I'm so glad you trademarked them, Dan, because we've had so many lawsuits that we've had

[1:12:43] to settle with the paperwork.

[1:12:44] Was this movie totally scarifying?

[1:12:47] Was it totally snorifying or was it frighteningly funny?

[1:12:53] Yeah, those are it.

[1:12:54] Yeah, yeah, those are it.

[1:12:55] Yeah, you were real.

[1:12:56] You were real confident at the beginning, telling me what they were.

[1:12:59] And then by the end, you had lost.

[1:13:00] Those are it.

[1:13:00] I was just trying.

[1:13:01] Then I was like in my head.

[1:13:02] I'm like, wait, but what are those correspond?

[1:13:08] And I think scarifying is the good one.

[1:13:10] Snorifying is a bad one.

[1:13:11] Frightening, funny is good, bad.

[1:13:13] No, no, I think snorifying is the good one.

[1:13:16] And I would like to say in answer to your question, I like this movie.

[1:13:21] I like it a little just slightly less than the original Orphan, which I think looks better.

[1:13:27] And even though I like Julia Stiles a lot in this movie, like I think like the cast

[1:13:32] as a whole is stronger in the first one.

[1:13:34] But this is fun.

[1:13:36] It's a very much like a three act movie where it's like the first act is the movie you have

[1:13:42] basically seen before the middle act is is Julia Stiles and Esther sort of having their

[1:13:50] battle of wills.

[1:13:51] And then the last is the actual big climactic stuff.

[1:13:56] And I kind of wish that the middle part of the movie was extended to shorten the other

[1:14:02] two parts, because that's the most fun part to me, where it's like, yeah, what it what

[1:14:06] a zany character relationship for these characters to have.

[1:14:10] And let's try and, you know, maneuver within this.

[1:14:15] But I also I also like the movie more than I thought it was.

[1:14:19] I didn't see the first Orphan.

[1:14:20] And I find that this is me being a snob, I guess.

[1:14:24] But like, I'm just having trouble with modern movies right now.

[1:14:27] Like, it's hard for me to find modern movies that I'm like having fun with.

[1:14:30] I see a handful every year.

[1:14:32] But like, especially with horror movies, I'm feeling like, Dan, we talked about like when

[1:14:35] you see a lot, you kind of know the twist coming up.

[1:14:38] Like, so I so I didn't see the first one.

[1:14:41] So but I enjoyed it.

[1:14:42] And I agree.

[1:14:42] I kind of I wish that that middle of act two twist was the end of act one twist, basically.

[1:14:47] On the other hand, that's a lot of cat and mouse that they'd have to figure out.

[1:14:51] And they might run out of steam and you'd end up with like a 70 minute movie, which

[1:14:55] wouldn't be terrible, I guess.

[1:14:56] But I actually I ended up enjoying it.

[1:14:58] Once that twist hit and the movie kicked into gear, I was like, now I'm enjoying this movie.

[1:15:02] And I would say if you want to watch a real, real over the top, you know, horror movie,

[1:15:09] go for it.

[1:15:09] Orphan, first kill.

[1:15:11] Technically not the first kill.

[1:15:13] Yeah, I as I said, I like this movie.

[1:15:15] I think it's good.

[1:15:17] I feel like if they'd extended it like they could have had more scenes of things like

[1:15:21] introducing her to rich people and she has to like, you know, navigate while Julia Stiles

[1:15:26] is also trying to mess with her.

[1:15:28] I do like there's a party scene at one point where an old lady is like, now that you're

[1:15:32] not kidnapped anymore, do you have any plans?

[1:15:34] And I'm like, she's 11, dude.

[1:15:37] She doesn't have plans.

[1:15:39] Watch cartoons.

[1:15:42] The one thing they didn't do that they could have done with that is have her go to school.

[1:15:45] Yeah, that's the that's the thing that and I there's part of me that's kind of like glad

[1:15:49] they didn't do that because she's going to go.

[1:15:51] Someone's going to bully her.

[1:15:52] She's going to threaten the bully or whatever.

[1:15:54] Like there's not that.

[1:15:54] I don't know.

[1:15:55] And that happened in the first movie.

[1:15:57] It was a bully kid and she like pushed the kid and broke her leg.

[1:16:02] And Hallie, what did you think?

[1:16:04] Yeah, I mean, I I kept asking myself, like, would this movie work if it weren't Julia

[1:16:11] Stiles in that role and it were just someone that I didn't recognize?

[1:16:14] I feel like your goodwill toward Julia Stiles does so much work.

[1:16:19] That's true.

[1:16:20] I'll give you that.

[1:16:22] But I liked it.

[1:16:23] Yeah, I liked it.

[1:16:25] What was I going to say?

[1:16:27] I'm just like, wait, guys, I mean, as a mom, yeah, yeah, as a mom, I would kill.

[1:16:38] I would hide the death of one child if my to save the other child.

[1:16:41] OK, I well, it's a choice you'll have to make when you get to it.

[1:16:46] Let's I don't know.

[1:16:47] We all face that choice.

[1:16:49] I only just found out.

[1:16:50] So the actor plays the detective Hiro Kanagawa.

[1:16:52] I didn't realize he also played a detective in Fifty Shades Freed, which we watched for

[1:16:57] the Flophouse.

[1:16:58] They're not.

[1:16:58] I watched that, I think.

[1:17:00] Yeah, yeah, I think.

[1:17:00] And I think we did a live show about it.

[1:17:02] Yeah.

[1:17:02] But I think I mean, I'm not sure.

[1:17:04] But yeah, we didn't.

[1:17:05] We we didn't.

[1:17:07] They don't have the same name.

[1:17:08] But now I wonder, is this a way we could tie them together and make the Fifty Shades and

[1:17:12] Orphan Universe is the same?

[1:17:13] And does that mean it's time for a what's his name?

[1:17:17] Gray.

[1:17:17] Christian Gray.

[1:17:18] Is that his name?

[1:17:18] Christian Gray and an orphan crossover.

[1:17:23] Yeah, they adopt Esther, I assume.

[1:17:25] Yeah.

[1:17:26] Yeah.

[1:17:26] They adopt Esther and she learns a little bit about them and they learn a little bit

[1:17:31] about, oh, no, there's another daddy for her to fall in love with.

[1:17:34] No, exactly.

[1:17:35] He needs to unlock all of the like sexual prowess bubbling beneath the surface.

[1:17:41] She's never been able to express.

[1:17:43] Yeah, it's going to.

[1:17:44] OK, now I'm kind of now and now and now the grossed out by more.

[1:17:46] All right.

[1:17:47] Let's move on.

[1:17:49] Elliot, why don't you give us an ad that you were going to read?

[1:17:54] You got it for Squarespace.

[1:17:56] It is indeed for Squarespace.

[1:17:58] That's right, everybody.

[1:17:59] We're not just sponsored by icky feelings that we bring up and then we decide that it's

[1:18:03] better not to explore them.

[1:18:04] We're also sponsored by SquarePace.

[1:18:06] Not SquarePace.

[1:18:07] I'm sorry.

[1:18:08] That's that's.

[1:18:08] Yeah, you know how it feels.

[1:18:10] Yeah, that's that's if you take all the curves off of Lee Pace, you end up with SquarePace.

[1:18:15] I'm sorry.

[1:18:15] Now I'm Dan all of a sudden.

[1:18:17] OK, we're also sponsored by Squarespace.

[1:18:19] You know, Squarespace, you love it.

[1:18:20] Squarespace is the all in one platform for building your brand and growing your business

[1:18:23] online.

[1:18:24] Look, you can use it to make beautiful websites that really stand out.

[1:18:27] You can use it to engage with your audience on the Internet, the place we're all going

[1:18:30] to live anywhere someday.

[1:18:32] And you can sell anything, your products, the content you create, even your time.

[1:18:36] Did you know you could sell your time?

[1:18:38] You only have a certain amount of it.

[1:18:39] But Squarespace will help you sell off that excess time you don't want anymore.

[1:18:44] Squarespace, it's very easy to use.

[1:18:46] Dan, I believe you have personal experience with making your own personal website on Squarespace.

[1:18:50] I did.

[1:18:51] I don't know if anyone ever looks at it, but it exists.

[1:18:53] If you want to look at it, look at it, people.

[1:18:56] What's the URL, Dan?

[1:18:57] That will make it easier for them to find.

[1:18:58] I think it's DanMcCoyWriter.com.

[1:19:01] I've looked at it.

[1:19:02] It's a beautiful looking site.

[1:19:03] It made me want to make my own site on Squarespace.

[1:19:05] And I just haven't gotten to do it yet.

[1:19:06] But I really want to do it.

[1:19:07] I think that Dan has now colonized the digital village with his own little piece of himself

[1:19:13] that will live on forever, long after he's gone, until the link decays.

[1:19:17] Anyway, so you can use this to get business for yourself.

[1:19:21] You can use it to make your mark on the internet, to get your projects or products out there.

[1:19:25] You can create an online store.

[1:19:27] Whether it's physical or digital products,

[1:19:29] Squarespace has the tools you need to start selling online.

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[1:19:34] That's right.

[1:19:35] With the Squarespace Video Studio app, you can make and share engaging videos.

[1:19:39] You can tell your story with it.

[1:19:40] You can grow your audience.

[1:19:41] You can reach out and connect because that's what the internet is all about.

[1:19:44] Connections and Squarespace can help you.

[1:19:47] Virtual real estate, it just means being on the internet.

[1:19:49] And Squarespace can help you do that.

[1:19:52] So, OK, go over to Squarespace right now.

[1:19:54] Go to squarespace.com slash flop.

[1:19:56] You get a free trial of Squarespace to make your own website you're going to need.

[1:20:00] Eat it, it's the future.

[1:20:01] Again, we're all gonna live there.

[1:20:02] And when you're ready to launch,

[1:20:03] just use the offer code FLOP to save 10%

[1:20:06] off of your first purchase of a website or domain.

[1:20:08] Again, that's squarespace.com slash FLOP.

[1:20:12] Use it, you can get 10% off with the promo code FLOP.

[1:20:17] And if you're listening and you wanna feel

[1:20:19] like you're sitting in a giant car

[1:20:22] rather than a regular-sized car,

[1:20:24] then maybe microdosing is right for you.

[1:20:27] Our show today is sponsored by Microdose Gummies.

[1:20:30] Microdose Gummies deliver perfect entry-level doses of THC

[1:20:35] that help you feel just the right amount of good.

[1:20:40] I can be a bit of a tempestuous person emotionally,

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[1:20:51] So maybe that's one thing that you could use it to

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[1:21:06] to get free shipping and 30% off your first order.

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[1:21:13] but again, that is microdose.com, code FLOP.

[1:21:18] Uh-oh, and what's this?

[1:21:19] It looks like we have ourselves a j-j-j-jumbotron.

[1:21:23] That's right.

[1:21:24] Okay, and it goes like this.

[1:21:27] Goblin is a unique D12 role-playing game

[1:21:30] about a race of goblins banished

[1:21:32] to a post-apocalyptic earth.

[1:21:34] Since goblins eat trash and don't know what radiation is,

[1:21:37] they have a blast as they scrounge for loot,

[1:21:40] feud with mutants, and constantly find

[1:21:42] and prevent new ways of blowing themselves up.

[1:21:45] The book offers all you need to get started.

[1:21:48] Littered with laughable lore and comical classes

[1:21:51] to bring out your inner goblin.

[1:21:54] You can find it at DriveThruRPG

[1:21:56] or just visit goblin.house.

[1:21:59] So check out Goblin, the goblin RPG,

[1:22:01] by going to goblin.house.

[1:22:05] ♪♪

[1:22:09] Hello, dreamers.

[1:22:09] This is Evelyn Denton, CEO of the only world-class,

[1:22:13] fully immersive theme resort, Steeplechase.

[1:22:15] You know, I've been seeing more and more reports

[1:22:17] on the blogs that our beloved park

[1:22:19] simply isn't safe anymore.

[1:22:22] I'm gonna wreck it.

[1:22:28] I mean, I could have a knife.

[1:22:51] Every Thursday at MaximumFun.org.

[1:22:54] Since the dawn of time,

[1:22:55] man has dreamed of bringing life back from the dead.

[1:22:58] From Orpheus and Eurydice to Frankenstein's monster,

[1:23:02] resurrection has long been merely the stuff of myth,

[1:23:05] fiction, and fairy tale, until now.

[1:23:08] Actually, we still can't bring people back from the dead.

[1:23:11] That would be crazy,

[1:23:13] but the Dead Pilot Society podcast

[1:23:15] has found a way to resurrect great dead comedy pilots

[1:23:18] from Hollywood's finest writers.

[1:23:20] Every month, Dead Pilot Society

[1:23:22] brings you a reading of a comedy pilot

[1:23:23] that was sold and developed, but never produced,

[1:23:26] performed by the funniest actors from film and television.

[1:23:29] How does Dead Pilot Society achieve this miracle?

[1:23:32] The answer can only be found at MaximumFun.org.

[1:23:36] Let us now go to the lettuce segment.

[1:23:41] Come with me.

[1:23:42] To the lettuce segment.

[1:23:43] Hey, everybody.

[1:23:44] Here's where we talk about lettuce.

[1:23:46] Hallie, what's your favorite kind of lettuce?

[1:23:48] Red romaine.

[1:23:50] That's the lettuce segment.

[1:23:52] I can't say that I like arugula.

[1:23:54] It's just spicy.

[1:23:56] I like arugula as well.

[1:23:58] Anytime I get something with arugula on it,

[1:24:00] I go, oh, I didn't want this.

[1:24:02] Arugula.

[1:24:03] Well, I mean, are you thinking like a pizza or something?

[1:24:06] Because like that-

[1:24:07] I like arugula on a pizza.

[1:24:08] Or like a sandwich.

[1:24:08] I like a little bit, maybe.

[1:24:09] Oh, I love it on a sandwich.

[1:24:11] Oh, arugula.

[1:24:13] I guess I would have to say my favorite kind of lettuce

[1:24:16] is probably Italian wedding soup.

[1:24:18] Interesting.

[1:24:19] It's a delicious soup.

[1:24:21] Let's move on to-

[1:24:22] How about watercress?

[1:24:23] You know, that is the most nutrient-rich.

[1:24:25] Yeah, watercress is good.

[1:24:26] Yeah, sure.

[1:24:27] I like that.

[1:24:28] I like a kind of a bitter green.

[1:24:31] Anyway, let's move on to letters

[1:24:35] now that we've talked about lettuce.

[1:24:38] This is from Lila, who writes-

[1:24:41] Lila's lettuce letter.

[1:24:43] Who writes, hey, peaches.

[1:24:46] Last night, I had a hankering

[1:24:48] for one of my favorite comfort movies, Big Eden,

[1:24:51] a sweet and tidy, inclusive, small-town rom-com

[1:24:54] that has served me well for over a decade.

[1:24:58] However, the second-to-last scene features a crime

[1:25:02] so heinous, it almost ruins the movie

[1:25:04] for me every single time.

[1:25:06] Widow Thayer makes a batch of her famous

[1:25:09] cottage cheese and sour cream pancakes,

[1:25:12] and the main love interest,

[1:25:13] whom the viewer has also come to love dearly,

[1:25:16] takes a huge bite, and then, mouth wide open,

[1:25:20] he belly laughs for an absurdly long time

[1:25:23] as a sadistic cameraman slow zooms in

[1:25:26] on his mouthful of horrible, half-chewed, hot, soft cheese.

[1:25:32] It is an affront that language cannot convey.

[1:25:36] Do you have any movies that you love

[1:25:38] that are or are very nearly ruined

[1:25:41] by a single horrible choice?

[1:25:44] Love you guys, Leela.

[1:25:48] I don't know if you have any thoughts on this matter.

[1:25:52] It's tough for me to say, to talk about movies I love

[1:25:55] that I feel like have been ruined or almost ruined by.

[1:25:58] Well, I remember there was a movie, Stuart,

[1:26:00] that you thought would have been made much better

[1:26:02] if they hadn't made the choice

[1:26:03] to not have the character rip his ding-dong off.

[1:26:05] That's true, almost ruined.

[1:26:07] I mean, I know Dan's favorite movie, The Kingsman,

[1:26:09] is almost ruined by a very weird anal sex joke

[1:26:13] right at the end.

[1:26:14] That was, I have to watch that movie

[1:26:16] to really confirm that that exists,

[1:26:18] because my mom loves that movie,

[1:26:19] and it's so hard for me to imagine.

[1:26:22] I mean, like, I'm not gonna argue for that scene

[1:26:27] or against that scene.

[1:26:28] I just find that the movie is so, like,

[1:26:31] wildly interested in, like, you know,

[1:26:35] sort of offending and, like, in, like,

[1:26:37] oh, cheeky, edgy way that, like,

[1:26:40] I understand why people knocked up against the scene,

[1:26:42] but I'm just like, I don't know,

[1:26:44] what were you expecting out of The Kingsman?

[1:26:46] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:26:47] It's based on a Mark Miller comic, isn't it?

[1:26:49] Come on. Yeah, oh, no.

[1:26:51] Or what about, oh, there's that movie, Baby Driver,

[1:26:54] that makes the mistake of casting Kevin Spacey in it.

[1:26:58] And Ansel Elgort.

[1:27:00] Oh, true.

[1:27:01] They didn't know that those were mistakes at the time,

[1:27:03] but there's a lot-

[1:27:04] People have known about Kevin Spacey for a long time.

[1:27:07] Kevin, that's true.

[1:27:08] Kevin Spacey, they knew about for a long time.

[1:27:09] That's fair.

[1:27:10] I mean, I didn't know about it,

[1:27:11] but I don't travel in those circles.

[1:27:15] I think I might have talked about this before

[1:27:16] on the podcast.

[1:27:17] My favorite movie of all time,

[1:27:18] The Taking Pelham 1, 2, 3, that I love so much,

[1:27:20] it has the scene where Walter Matthau

[1:27:22] is showing around the Japanese visitors,

[1:27:25] and it's supposed to be a scene where he gets hit,

[1:27:28] he's being rude and he gets his comeuppance,

[1:27:30] but it comes off as a racist scene.

[1:27:32] It just comes off as the movie

[1:27:33] kind of like having you in on the joke

[1:27:35] that Walter Matthau is making,

[1:27:37] and it's a very unpleasant moment

[1:27:40] and a very unpleasant scene,

[1:27:41] and it's one where,

[1:27:42] it's my favorite movie of all time,

[1:27:43] but every time that scene comes up, I cringe,

[1:27:45] and then I wait for it to be over,

[1:27:47] and then I'm like,

[1:27:47] okay, let's get back to the New Yorkers

[1:27:49] yelling at each other.

[1:27:50] No, that reminds me-

[1:27:51] And I wish they had not,

[1:27:52] and there's no,

[1:27:53] it's not like that's a,

[1:27:54] it's not a necessary scene.

[1:27:56] So I wish they had not chosen to show Walter Matthau,

[1:28:01] and the whole point is Walter Matthau's

[1:28:02] kind of a schlub and a loser,

[1:28:04] but I wish they had shown it in a different way.

[1:28:06] That reminds me that Audrey has a big poster of,

[1:28:09] like a foreign poster for breakfast at Tiffany's

[1:28:11] that she doesn't want to put up,

[1:28:12] because she's an Asian woman herself.

[1:28:15] Because it's just Mickey Rooney's character.

[1:28:17] Well, that's like,

[1:28:18] and she loves the movie,

[1:28:19] except for the part that everyone hates,

[1:28:21] which is Mickey Rooney's terrible Asian caricature

[1:28:24] that is just like,

[1:28:25] why is this in this movie?

[1:28:27] Not only is it racist,

[1:28:28] it is a completely different tone from the rest of the film.

[1:28:31] And the poster is him captured perfectly

[1:28:34] by the brush of Drew Struzan.

[1:28:35] Well, she just doesn't want to like,

[1:28:36] I don't know.

[1:28:37] It's one of Drew Struzan's breakfast at Tiffany's.

[1:28:41] Why did she get the poster?

[1:28:43] I mean, she just loves the movie,

[1:28:45] like other than that,

[1:28:46] but like she has that,

[1:28:47] and she has a poster for Annie Hall,

[1:28:49] and she like sometimes looks sadly at them and like,

[1:28:51] can never hang these up.

[1:28:53] I think,

[1:28:54] I think when Woody Allen's not alive anymore,

[1:28:56] she'll be able to hang that Annie Hall poster up.

[1:28:58] Wow, okay.

[1:29:00] I don't have anything.

[1:29:01] I don't, I can't, I can't.

[1:29:02] I mean, I was just starting to think of something

[1:29:04] that like,

[1:29:05] I feel like,

[1:29:06] I don't understand.

[1:29:08] I feel like Andrew Garfield is so silly.

[1:29:11] So I was trying to think of a movie

[1:29:13] that Andrew Garfield is in

[1:29:14] that would have been way better had he not been cast in it.

[1:29:17] But I avoid Andrew Garfield stuff

[1:29:21] because he's so silly.

[1:29:22] I like Andrew Garfield.

[1:29:23] What do you think is so silly about him?

[1:29:24] His hair?

[1:29:25] He's tall.

[1:29:26] No, he's just like,

[1:29:27] did you watch the,

[1:29:28] I know it's not a movie,

[1:29:29] but did you watch the Under the Banner of Heaven?

[1:29:32] No, my wife watched it,

[1:29:33] but I didn't watch it.

[1:29:34] He was so silly.

[1:29:35] He was just like over the top

[1:29:39] and just like,

[1:29:40] I was watching it and I was like,

[1:29:41] I can't believe this is a famous actor.

[1:29:44] This is bizarre.

[1:29:47] Yeah.

[1:29:48] He's just,

[1:29:49] I've liked him in a lot of,

[1:29:50] I remember seeing,

[1:29:51] I first saw him in the Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus

[1:29:53] and I was like,

[1:29:54] I like this guy.

[1:29:54] And I haven't quite liked him as much since then,

[1:29:58] but I still like him.

[1:29:58] This is funny to me.

[1:30:00] It's such a specific vendetta that Halley has and but it's like very Halley because he's like he's just too silly

[1:30:07] The whole time you're watching Hacksaw Ridge, you're like, come on goofball

[1:30:12] Like he's so over-the-top about moments that are supposed to like there's no subtlety. It's just like wow, they cast him as spider-man

[1:30:20] You're making this spider-man

[1:30:23] Silly, that is the thing that that is the winning thing about No Way Home is that he is so silly as spider-man

[1:30:28] I'll give you that in but even I guess you should see tick tick boom and see if you think that silliness works for that

[1:30:35] very kind of like a

[1:30:37] Melodramatic character, but I hate the idea of that movie and you probably shouldn't see he's very good in a bad movie

[1:30:45] Yeah, I think it's that bad a movie

[1:30:47] I think it's a but it's this it's a movie that is like hanging out with a bunch of musical theater people where it's like

[1:30:51] You may not have any tolerance for it

[1:30:53] Yeah, that depends yeah, I it is a movie that succeeds amazingly well at creating the experience of being around musical theater

[1:31:06] Suggested that we watch it and I was enjoying it

[1:31:09] Okay, like I did but but she immediately was like, can we turn?

[1:31:13] I

[1:31:16] Like was it the

[1:31:18] She has no patience for the there's that scene the scene where that it's like

[1:31:22] It's like a brunch at the diner and everyone in the diner is a famous musical theater person

[1:31:27] And it's one of the things where it's like, well, you could just lift this scene right out of the movie

[1:31:31] There's no it's just it's just it's just the Easter

[1:31:34] It's this it's the musical theater equivalent of of a pip the troll and Star Fox showing up at the end of Eternals. Yes

[1:31:40] Okay, we've got one more letter I want to get you this is from Anthony last name withheld who writes dear floppers

[1:31:47] Dear Hallie. This is the only way I can

[1:31:50] We're in trouble. Our kids are killing our community

[1:31:55] This isn't how I wanted to tell you but one of our kids killed the other kid

[1:32:00] No Anthony writes dear floppers the three of you and Hallie are suddenly turtles who are blessed with gifts of ninjutsu

[1:32:09] Okay

[1:32:10] Original premise, but all right, which one of you quote leads who quote does machines?

[1:32:16] Who is quote cool, but rude and which one of you is a quote party, dude

[1:32:23] I feel like this is not a difficult question

[1:32:25] But maybe you guys should go first before I slot us into those ones, but I feel like it's fairly clear to me

[1:32:30] I don't know

[1:32:32] Well, yeah, I mean I feel like I have to get the Leonardo

[1:32:38] Yeah, you're the leader and I mean

[1:32:41] Dude, Donatello by default. I do machines. Yeah, I was trying to think I feel like

[1:32:50] Hallie is cool, but rude and I think Stewart is the party dude. Okay. Yeah, okay

[1:32:58] Thing is in this version of it now you can do your fan art people

[1:33:03] I'm probably the rudest member of the group just in terms of interrupting and talking over other people

[1:33:07] Yes, so it should be like a rude Donatello the cool part, which don't look better on urban dictionary. Yeah

[1:33:15] Yeah, I mean I'm not gonna say I'm cool I'm totally not

[1:33:18] That's the that's the problem. You're just grumping about how you can't watch modern movies

[1:33:25] Too many of them about rich people

[1:33:27] Yeah, I I think what you know what it really is. I shouldn't take the Bible shouldn't put the blame on modern movies

[1:33:32] I no longer have the time in my life to seek out things as much as I once did

[1:33:37] And I'm not loving where mainstream filmmaking is that which I don't think anyone is

[1:33:43] It's doing some low-key marketing for triangle of sadness right now. I don't even know what that is

[1:33:49] It's a new movie by the guy who made force majeure and it's

[1:33:55] It's basically it's basically a send-up it's got Woody Harrelson in it would send up of rich people

[1:34:04] See, I don't know any of these things anymore I used to know that kind of stuff

[1:34:07] so now the only movies I hear about are

[1:34:09] The old movies or foreign movies that the algorithms that know I like that stuff sent to me or whatever movies are being advertised on

[1:34:15] Buses, which is usually the biggest, you know, the biggest movie there. It's uncharted, you know, or something like that, you know

[1:34:22] Bus is uncharted

[1:34:26] No, no, it's not a chartered bus is what I'm saying. It's an uncharted bus. Yeah. Oh, okay

[1:34:32] Hey, let's go let's move on to the final segment this not anything a bus run the frontwards

[1:34:36] We'll see where it goes. Just this question mark question mark question mark

[1:34:42] Yeah, it's like hitting the I feel lucky button on Google

[1:34:47] Let's move on to the final segment where we recommend things that

[1:34:52] You can watch in addition to this say if this yeah movie struck your fancy

[1:34:58] Off the table, right? I can't recommend the first movie to you buddy. You can do whatever you want. Hey, it's

[1:35:05] podcast

[1:35:07] This let me quickly recommend because it's um, my recommendation is a good bad thing

[1:35:15] It's called creating rim Lazar, that's

[1:35:20] obviously

[1:35:21] Clearly rim Lazar is spelled REM

[1:35:24] L-e-z-a-r

[1:35:26] I don't know how anyone can be confused because we all know of course famous character rim Lazar

[1:35:32] Who this is a 48 minute movie?

[1:35:37] from talking from 1989 that is

[1:35:41] Just like a nutty artifact. It feels at any moment like it could become a horror movie. It could be a PSA for something

[1:35:50] It has these two kids who?

[1:35:52] Both

[1:35:54] Have an imaginary friend named rim Lazar and they realize like oh if we both have the same imaginary friend

[1:35:59] that means that must exist right and they

[1:36:02] Build a mannequin and bring him to life, of course

[1:36:06] And then there's a lot of songs about rim Lazar who like not since

[1:36:10] Cats has there been such a thing where it's like we're gonna act like this word means something to you

[1:36:17] Whereas whereas, you know in cats is jellicle here

[1:36:20] It's just like we're gonna sing about this character

[1:36:23] But never make it clear what this characters deal is like when Audrey was watching with me

[1:36:26] She was like who's rim Lazar? I'm like that guy that catcher bizarre. It's just like no, but what is he like?

[1:36:32] What's his deal? I'm like, he's just rim Lazar man. Like that's all he is

[1:36:36] And it's got all these great old 80s video effects and weird songs. And so if you

[1:36:43] like something

[1:36:45] dumb to watch and you

[1:36:47] Don't want to commit to a whole to our running time worth of dumb the rim was creating rim Lazar is a good option

[1:36:56] I'm gonna recommend two movies cuz I gotta recommend a horror movie. That's right. So because it's shocked over I am

[1:37:04] recommending a

[1:37:05] Movie called glorious that is currently playing on shutter. It's a shorty. I don't I think it's like 80 minutes or something

[1:37:13] It stars Ryan Quanton, you know the brother from true blood with the abs and

[1:37:21] He is stuck in a rest stop bathroom

[1:37:25] And he is talking to a sentient evil glory hole voiced by JK Simmons

[1:37:32] It's pretty wacky and pretty gross. It does have a twist at the end. I just got a warn you

[1:37:38] I guess there's a twist at the end that I think makes the movie less good

[1:37:42] So I guess this also fits. Yeah

[1:37:45] It also fits the other thing. Okay aimed recommendation. Yep, but the movie my main recommendation. That's right two recommendations with four people

[1:37:53] What are we doing?

[1:37:55] I'm gonna recommend the woman King woman King

[1:37:59] Stewart has been texting us about the woman King ever since he thought and sometimes it's just a text that says woman King

[1:38:06] Uh, yep, so there's a movie playing in theaters it is a historical action epic drama

[1:38:14] directed by Gina Prince Bythewood who directed

[1:38:18] The old guard from a year or two ago. That was great

[1:38:22] it is

[1:38:23] It feel in some ways. It feels like a throwback to like the 90s era of historical action movies

[1:38:29] unfortunately, many of which starred Mel Gibson

[1:38:32] but this one this one is very much from

[1:38:35] like a female gaze all the women of whom they are all awesome and badass are

[1:38:42] Very are like never portrayed in a way. That's like, I don't know like they're never shot in a way. That's intentionally sexy

[1:38:49] the sexy people of course are John Boyega who is very pretty and

[1:38:54] Viola Davis is fucking yoked. She looks amazing. I don't know what that means means that she is

[1:39:01] Stacked she's like, I don't know

[1:39:03] Super rich

[1:39:06] She's muscly she looks amazing

[1:39:09] and

[1:39:10] Lashana Lynch gives fucking amazing

[1:39:14] Scene-stealing star make performance. She's great

[1:39:17] She's been a bunch of stuff and there's the first time where she really got to like shine at least

[1:39:21] First thing that I've seen she's really gotten to shine. So woman King a lot of fun

[1:39:28] Nice funny if I recommended the shine

[1:39:33] I

[1:39:36] Don't know

[1:39:43] Would you like to go next or should I go next alley I'll go next

[1:39:51] Having said that I was having trouble with modern movies finding them

[1:39:54] I did recently see a modern movie that I liked a lot. I finally got to see

[1:39:58] passing the Rebecca Holmes

[1:40:00] movie starring Tessa Thompson and Ruth Naga, I don't know

[1:40:03] exactly how her name is pronounced, that's set in the

[1:40:06] 1920s in Harlem and it's about a woman who finds that a woman

[1:40:11] that she grew up with is passing as white, has married a white

[1:40:14] husband and her family does not know about it and that the her

[1:40:18] old friend starts kind of coming in and taking over, not

[1:40:22] taking over, but infiltrating more and more of her life as she

[1:40:24] finds the life that she missed, you know, and I really liked it

[1:40:27] a lot. I think it looks beautiful and it's I like what

[1:40:31] it does with sound. It's a very quiet movie that doesn't feel

[1:40:34] the need to have a lot of sound or a lot of music on screen and

[1:40:37] I just thought it was really good. I enjoyed a lot. That's

[1:40:40] passing. It's a sad movie, but a good movie and you know what

[1:40:45] guys sometimes a sad movie can be good for you. Oh, okay.

[1:40:50] I want to recommend the movie Shine.

[1:40:57] She called her shot. No, just kidding. All I remember is a

[1:41:03] there's a trampoline involved in Shine. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. He's

[1:41:07] jumping up and down with just a trench coat on. There's no

[1:41:09] clothes right on trampoline. Okay. So, that's that's that's

[1:41:14] the movie where and then the and then Bob Bird and the

[1:41:16] creator of Mystery Men said, I have my villain for the

[1:41:18] Mystery Man movie. Look at his grace on that trampoline. Okay.

[1:41:25] So, my recommendation is is really a defense of a movie

[1:41:30] that's not that good but I was shocked when I saw it because I

[1:41:34] everything I've read about it said it was terrible and it was

[1:41:38] just not terrible. Okay. It's kind of okay which is but you

[1:41:44] know, I don't know if I've mentioned this but I have

[1:41:47] children. So, I'm watching a lot of Studio Ghibli's movies

[1:41:53] and I I've mentioned this to you, Elliot Earwig and the

[1:41:57] Witch. Have you guys seen it? No. No. I haven't seen it yet.

[1:42:00] I have heard the consensus though that this is like, oh,

[1:42:02] a misfire from Ghibli or whatever. Yeah. But I it looks

[1:42:07] really different and at first, I was like, oh, I didn't, I

[1:42:09] don't like it because it looks different but then I was like,

[1:42:11] but I like how it looks even though it looks different and

[1:42:15] you know, it's got all kinds of spooky imagery. I don't know.

[1:42:19] I think uh I think uh Gabriel might like it. Okay. He does

[1:42:22] love spooky stuff. Worms, lots of worms. Okay. I love worms.

[1:42:27] Yeah. We have we have them here at the house. We got a whole

[1:42:29] tower full of worms. Uh huh. That's a that's a result of I

[1:42:32] like the flurry and death metal band. I feel like that's more

[1:42:36] of a that's more of a way of of processing your isolation.

[1:42:39] Yeah. There is a bit of a metal aspect to it uh Stewart. Oh

[1:42:43] cool. You might like that uh in that the television you're

[1:42:47] watching it on has metal parts. Oh, that's a little bit of

[1:42:50] trivia about your television. Okay. Uh my television's made

[1:42:54] out of flesh and I insert the VHS tape through my tummy

[1:42:57] button. The new flesh. Yeah. That's very new. Yeah. Of

[1:43:00] course, it's new flesh. That's like in the Huey Lewis song.

[1:43:03] It is. I want a new flesh. Uh huh. So I can put a tape in my

[1:43:07] belly. Bam bam. And the little girl who stars in or the the

[1:43:13] main character in uh Earwig and the Witch is very naughty

[1:43:17] and you're at first, you're like, is she supposed to be

[1:43:21] bad? Are we supposed to not like her? But then you were

[1:43:23] you're rooting for her. You're on her side. So, it's really

[1:43:26] different from, you know, a lot of Miyazaki movies when there's

[1:43:29] like their little girls are like perfect and you know, just

[1:43:32] struggling with like. Whatever like spirit. Be better at

[1:43:36] writing. Or being in a new house or something. Yeah. It's

[1:43:38] a lot like Orphan First Kill that way. A naughty girl that

[1:43:40] you come to sympathize with. Exactly. Wow. And her hair

[1:43:44] makes her look like an earwig. Oh, cool. Uh well, that's the

[1:43:50] that's the title. And is the title supposed to sound like

[1:43:54] Hedwig and the Angry Inch? Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. Uh

[1:43:57] yeah. And that's so that's five movies we recommended plus the

[1:44:01] first orphan. That's six recommendations. That's a full

[1:44:04] weekend worth of flicks. Uh huh. And shine. As well. Watch

[1:44:09] first. We confirmed the existence of. Yeah. Yeah. Um

[1:44:13] does he play the piano in it? Yes. He's a famous pianist.

[1:44:16] Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Mm hmm. Yes. Oh, coming back. Yeah. It's

[1:44:19] he's like really made an impression on me. He's called

[1:44:22] that because he shines while playing the piano. Yeah, like

[1:44:25] this vampire. Like a modern day vampire in the light. Yeah.

[1:44:27] Uh huh. He's he dreams of he he wants to play the Rachmaninoff's

[1:44:31] third symphony. The Rock Three they call it over and over

[1:44:34] again. So. Why doesn't he just. I use a I use a rock three

[1:44:38] razor blade. Uh huh. Anyway. Let's. Cuz it has three blades

[1:44:44] on the piano. Yeah. It's really heavy. It's really hard to

[1:44:49] shave. That's why Dan has a beard. I mostly I have to rub

[1:44:52] my face against the razor rather than the traditional

[1:44:56] method. Um it's very hard. Anyway. Uh so that's the

[1:45:00] Flophouse. If you haven't heard it before, now you know. Uh.

[1:45:06] Now you have. Hallie's not always here but she frequently

[1:45:09] is and we're all we always like to see her and so does the

[1:45:13] audience. Hey, hey, Hallie, I don't know. You wanna say

[1:45:16] anything else before we go? Thanks for having me, guys.

[1:45:18] Great to see Elliot in person and Stuart and Dan on a

[1:45:23] computer. And Hallie, do you have anything to promote? Oh,

[1:45:28] no. Sorry, I asked. Sorry. You know, you're a mom. That's uh

[1:45:34] what you're promoting, right? That and. No, I wouldn't

[1:45:37] promote that. You would warn people about it. Amazing. Um

[1:45:45] well, okay. For the Flophouse. Uh thank you for listening. Go

[1:45:50] to MaxFun.org. MaximumFun.org even for uh for other podcasts.

[1:45:56] If you wanted to go to the website, yeah. Yeah, you'll

[1:45:58] probably have more luck than the the the wrong address I

[1:46:01] originally said and thank you to HowlDotty uh Alex Smith,

[1:46:06] HowlDotty on Twitter uh for our production and editing. Do you

[1:46:12] wanna do you wanna tease Dan our recent our our upcoming

[1:46:14] appearance on on HowlDotty's Fast Track podcast? Oh, yeah,

[1:46:18] yeah, yeah. We uh II'm not sure when it's gonna be released

[1:46:21] sometime in October because it's spooky season. Uh we did uh a

[1:46:25] guest spot on Alex's show, Fast Track and that's a show

[1:46:32] where we write a uh a song in half an hour. We don't write

[1:46:36] the music. Alex writes the music cuz we don't know ****

[1:46:38] about that but we write the words. Yeah. The lyrics and we

[1:46:41] did a uh sort of a novelty romance. Yeah, it's it's kind

[1:46:45] of loosely inspired by one of my celebrity hall passes. Yeah.

[1:46:51] You know, easily top three celebrity hall pass. Yeah.

[1:46:54] Sure, sure, sure. It's a monster-related love story.

[1:46:57] Let's just say that. So, we'll uh we'll hear that soon. Mm hmm.

[1:47:01] Uh but now, I will sign off for the Flophouse. I've been Dan

[1:47:04] McCoy. I'm Stewart Wellington. I'm Ellie Kalen. And I'm Hallie

[1:47:08] Haglund. So, Dan, who are your top three celebrity? Who's your

[1:47:14] celebrity hall pass? I'll take that answer off the air.

[1:47:21] I was just telling Elliot there's a lot of projectile

[1:47:27] vomiting going on in my house. Yeah. Oh no. Is that a spooky

[1:47:31] season? It's all like an exorcist bit. Yeah, we just we

[1:47:34] set it up and it's very dirty and smelly but you know, it's

[1:47:38] worth it. It's so scary. Uh huh. Uh I don't know. I don't know

[1:47:41] why. Uh but I was picking my kid up the other day because he

[1:47:44] said he felt sick and I was like, do we need to go to the

[1:47:46] bathroom and I picked him up and he just uh vomited all over

[1:47:51] me like it was like down my back in my bra and then II went

[1:47:56] to say, are you okay? And I opened my mouth and then he

[1:47:59] vomited. Oh. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist

[1:48:07] owned. Audience supported.

Ep #380 - Orphan: First Kill, with Hallie Haglund

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