Ep #380 - Orphan: First Kill, with Hallie Haglund

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Orphan Burst Kill.

Stuart Wellington

[0:07] That's right.

[0:07] We're kicking Shocktober off in styles.

[0:11] Julia styles.

Elliott Kalan

[0:13] I don't think we can get any better than that.

[0:14] No, that was perfect.

[0:15] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[0:16] Okay.

[0:16] It's what we in the biz call a hot one.

[0:18] Okay.

[0:30] Hello, and welcome to the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[0:44] I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:46] And I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:48] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

Hallie Haglund

[0:49] And I'm Allie Haglund.

[0:52] Allie.

Elliott Kalan

[0:53] But I killed you.

[0:55] Oh, no.

[0:56] That was Sally Haglund.

[0:57] I'm sorry.

[0:58] Sally Haglund.

Hallie Haglund

[0:59] Oh, that bitch.

[1:00] I'm glad she's gone.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02] Oh, yeah.

[1:02] Hey, everybody.

[1:03] Shocktober's starting with a bang.

[1:05] A Hallie Haglund bang, that is.

[1:07] What?

Stuart Wellington

[1:10] It's cool.

[1:11] Don't worry.

[1:11] It's cool.

Dan McCoy

[1:13] Okay.

[1:13] Anyway.

[1:14] Was it the idea of a Hallie Haglund bang not the best way to start it?

[1:21] Anyway, so this is a podcast where.

[1:23] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24] How about this?

[1:25] Okay.

[1:25] He's going to save it.

Dan McCoy

[1:26] He's going to save it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27] Hold on.

[1:28] I'm going to save it.

[1:28] Hold on.

[1:31] No, that's worse.

[1:32] Hold on.

[1:33] You know what, Dan?

[1:33] Just keep going.

[1:34] Yeah.

[1:34] I was trying to.

[1:37] Say.

[1:38] Say, listener.

[1:39] It's brand spanking new Shocktober with a brand spanking Hallie.

[1:43] Right?

[1:44] Is that?

[1:44] No.

Stuart Wellington

[1:45] No.

[1:46] I mean, slightly, I guess.

[1:49] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:51] If you're stumbling onto this podcast for the first time.

[1:55] First off, sorry for leaving it out where you could trip over it.

[1:57] But number two, this is a podcast where normally.

Stuart Wellington

[2:01] That was a thinker.

[2:01] That was good.

[2:02] That took me a moment.

[2:03] It was a thinker.

[2:03] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[2:04] Normally, we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[2:08] And in Shocktober, the month we are in, we watch horror movies.

[2:12] Now, this one actually, we had an inkling.

[2:16] We'll see.

[2:17] We'll see how we all came down on it.

[2:18] We had an inkling that this one maybe we'd kind of like.

[2:21] Yeah, it's a good movie.

Elliott Kalan

[2:22] We had an inkling this might not be a stinkling like normal.

[2:25] Mainly because Stuart had seen the movie already and wanted to watch it again.

[2:28] It said, it's good.

[2:29] It said, it's good.

[2:30] We should watch that.

Dan McCoy

[2:33] Yeah.

[2:34] But, you know, that's Stuart's opinion.

[2:36] We'll see what the rest of us has to say.

Stuart Wellington

[2:37] By not liking my new favorite movie?

[2:39] We'll find out.

[2:40] I'm sure Hallie's on my side.

Elliott Kalan

[2:42] That's a suspense.

[2:43] Now, Hallie, I think you were given a list of movies and this is the one you chose.

[2:46] Is that true?

[2:47] Yeah.

[2:47] What was it about the title Orphan, First Kill, that really caught your eye?

Hallie Haglund

[2:51] It was that Dan wrote next to it, this one is actually kind of good.

Dan McCoy

[2:56] Or, well, yeah, I mean, I hadn't seen it, but I knew that the reviews sort of indicated like, oh, maybe this one's okay.

Hallie Haglund

[3:03] I did watch all the trailers and it called out to me most.

Elliott Kalan

[3:07] You did your due halogens.

[3:09] Yes.

[3:09] Now, last year you joined us for, I think it was The Turning, right?

[3:12] Oh, yeah.

[3:13] And it was very, or what was that one called?

[3:14] The one that was based on the turning of the screw?

Stuart Wellington

[3:16] Yeah, I think it was The Turning.

Elliott Kalan

[3:17] It's either that or The Screwing.

[3:20] Probably not that.

[3:21] Yeah, that was kind of a snooze fest.

[3:24] Sorry.

[3:25] The screwing of The Turn?

[3:28] Yeah.

[3:28] That's about having sex with a bird.

[3:30] It's Turn, T-E-R-N.

[3:31] Oh, wow.

Dan McCoy

[3:31] Oh, cool.

[3:32] Well, you know.

[3:34] Jonathan Livingston's eagull.

[3:35] What have we done?

[3:36] Let's recap.

Elliott Kalan

[3:37] Jonathan Livingston's sex gull.

Dan McCoy

[3:39] Oh, wow.

[3:39] Let's recap what's happened so far.

[3:41] So we've introduced Hallie and we've introduced what the podcast is.

[3:44] Yeah.

[3:45] And the movie that we watched.

[3:46] What movie we watched.

Elliott Kalan

[3:46] This is the most efficient opening we've ever had.

[3:48] We're actually doing really good.

Stuart Wellington

[3:50] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[3:50] This is great.

[3:51] So should we get into Orphan First Kill, which actually, first, actually, before we get into

[3:54] it, I want to say two things.

[3:55] Yeah.

[3:56] One, it does not actually show her first kill.

[3:58] No.

[3:58] The movie starts with her already a dangerous mental patient.

[4:01] Why is it called First Kill?

[4:02] And two, I never saw the first Orphan movie.

[4:05] Stuart, would you be able to fill us in on what happens in the first Orphan movie?

Stuart Wellington

[4:09] Yeah.

[4:09] So a couple with two kids who wants another kid, played by Vera Farmiga and Peter Sarsgaard.

[4:18] Thank you.

[4:18] Those are the kids?

[4:19] No.

[4:20] No.

[4:20] I mean, there are kids once, but at this point in the movie, the story, they're both adults

[4:24] of adopting children age.

Elliott Kalan

[4:26] They're not unstuck in time and reliving all their moments at once.

[4:31] I see.

Stuart Wellington

[4:31] No.

[4:31] So they are a couple that is going through some extreme marriage problems, but they decide,

[4:37] hey, you know what?

[4:38] Too much Mountain Dew?

[4:39] Yep.

[4:41] That's not a problem, Elliot.

[4:43] That's a solution.

Dan McCoy

[4:44] They drank it like Peter Sarsgaard was drinking it in bed all the time.

[4:48] He was.

Hallie Haglund

[4:48] I know someone who drank so much Mountain Dew, they got thrush.

Dan McCoy

[4:52] They got what?

[4:53] Thrush.

[4:53] What's thrush?

Hallie Haglund

[4:54] It's like something in your throat.

Dan McCoy

[4:56] Yeah, a mouth disease of some kind.

[4:59] Well.

[5:00] Does that happen in this movie?

Elliott Kalan

[5:01] Is that what that song is about?

[5:03] Oh, thrush.

[5:05] No.

[5:06] Keep it down now.

[5:07] Oh.

[5:07] Your throat's hurt.

[5:08] I thought you were going to do.

[5:09] It's just a little thrush.

[5:13] Oh, yeah.

[5:13] There's that one, too.

[5:14] And, of course, the band thrush.

[5:16] Today's Tom Sawyer drinks too much Mountain Dew.

[5:18] That one.

[5:18] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[5:20] Wow.

[5:21] I love the idea that Elliot is comparing his own beautiful voice to Geddy Lee's beautiful voice right there.

[5:27] So, they're a couple and they decide to adopt a third child.

[5:32] And so, they adopt Hester or Esther.

[5:36] Esther.

[5:37] Esther.

[5:37] Who is this.

[5:38] Esther Prynne.

[5:39] Who is this weird little girl who dresses like an old-timey girl.

[5:42] And she has some issues.

Dan McCoy

[5:44] She might have, like, say, a ribbon around her neck that if you unget it.

[5:49] A ribbon choker.

[5:50] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[5:50] And later on, like, we find out why she's wearing it.

[5:53] It's not because her head will fall off and she's a ghost.

[5:55] Although, every time I see the ribbon and she resists them taking the ribbon off, I'm like, is it because she's a ghost?

[6:01] Even though I know she is.

[6:03] So, they, you know, she starts causing problems.

[6:08] Kids pick on her.

[6:09] Wait, why is it?

[6:09] Why is it?

[6:11] Oh, she has a ribbon around her neck because when she was in her various mental institutes, she, like, would, like, fight against the restraints and she got scars.

Elliott Kalan

[6:23] Yeah, and that's why she wears around her wrists, too, right?

[6:25] Yeah.

[6:26] To cover those scars.

[6:27] Yep.

[6:27] Much like how in The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Mina wears a scarf around her neck to cover where Dracula sawed away at her throat with his vampire bat teeth.

[6:35] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[6:36] But Dracula got nowhere near Esther.

[6:39] So, Esther, long story short.

Elliott Kalan

[6:41] Until orphan, until the third movie, orphan Dracula's adoptee.

[6:45] And so, and Dracula's like, I'm getting to that age.

[6:47] I'm hundreds of years old.

[6:49] I want to have a child.

[6:50] Uh-oh.

[6:51] Adopts Esther.

Stuart Wellington

[6:52] So, and, you know, like, Esther doesn't quite get along with her adopted siblings.

[6:58] The older brother is both a bully and a coward.

[7:01] Pretty common combo, actually.

[7:03] Wow.

[7:03] Two sides of the same coin.

[7:04] Yep.

[7:05] Yep.

[7:05] And, but she gets along with the younger sister.

[7:09] But it turns out there's more to her than we believe.

[7:13] She's romantically in love with the father, which makes sense because it is Peter Sarsgaard.

[7:18] But he is a dummy and does not pay any attention.

[7:21] Vera Farmiga immediately suspects.

[7:23] Esther's up to no good.

[7:25] And so does the adoption agent played by, who is it?

[7:29] I think, I think we don't need, why don't we need to go into this much detail.

[7:31] Yeah, this is a lot of detail.

Elliott Kalan

[7:32] I think maybe just tell us the reveal about Esther and then we can get into the new movie.

Stuart Wellington

[7:35] So wait, I thought, you told me I could tell you the entire plot of the movie.

[7:40] So the big reveal is that Esther is not Esther.

[7:44] She is not a little girl at all.

[7:46] She's an old girl in a little girl's body.

[7:49] And she's, let's say, neurologically divergent and hurts people.

[7:54] Hurts herself sometimes.

[7:56] And is very good at lying.

[7:59] Movie ends.

[7:59] She sinks into a frozen pond.

[8:02] Possibly dead.

Dan McCoy

[8:03] Who knows?

[8:04] Much like the actor that Mr. Burns hired to play one of the Simpsons kids, she is an Estonian dwarf.

[8:12] And that is the big twist of the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[8:16] Yes, she's an Estonian little person.

[8:19] And actually in her 30s.

[8:21] So let's go to Orphan First Kill.

Stuart Wellington

[8:23] Should I talk about my favorite scenes in the movie?

Elliott Kalan

[8:26] No, that's okay.

[8:27] We'll just go ahead.

[8:28] Why don't we just talk about the movie that we actually were talking about today?

[8:30] The title comes up immediately, which made me think this was a short for a moment.

[8:35] Because it was just like, Orphan First Kill just jumps at you.

[8:37] There's no cold open.

[8:39] And I'll, very surprising to find out as we watch it, it's not actually about her first kill.

[8:44] The title is incredibly inappropriate.

[8:47] So it's Estonia, 2007.

[8:49] And a car drives through some snowy woods.

[8:51] It's very The Shining.

[8:53] And the driver of this car is going to the Sarn Psychiatric Institute.

[8:56] This woman, Anna, she's an art therapist.

[8:57] She is starting her first day at the Sarn Psychiatric Institute in Spookyville, Estonia, which is located on Creepy Mountain in the snowy wastes of that country.

[9:10] And so it's her first day.

[9:11] She gets a binder full of security procedures.

[9:14] And as the doctor is telling her, hey, here's what you need to learn, an alarm goes out.

[9:19] Lena's not in her room.

[9:20] Locked down.

[9:21] You wait here in this room.

[9:22] Alarm.

[9:22] Klaxon.

[9:23] Flashing red light.

[9:24] Lena's free.

[9:25] Lena's free.

[9:26] Lena's free.

[9:26] We got to get her.

[9:28] And so the doctor says, Lena's our most dangerous patient.

[9:32] You wait here alone in the art room.

[9:34] And she turns and sees that there's a girl at one of the desks.

[9:37] Where Lena likes to hang out.

[9:38] Yes.

[9:39] There's a girl at one of the desks sketching.

[9:41] And it takes this art therapist a thousand years to even consider that this might be the dangerous patient that's on the loose.

[9:48] Yeah.

[9:49] She goes, do you – are you the daughter of someone who works here?

[9:52] Which is bonkers.

[9:53] That the daughter of the staff at the psychiatric institute would just have the run of the place like she's Lyra in Oxford in the Golden Compass.

[9:59] Like that's not a safe place to have a kid running free.

[10:02] And – yeah, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[10:04] Well, I just want to talk a little bit about the character of Lena slash Esther.

[10:10] It's not Lena Dunham.

[10:11] I should make that clear.

[10:12] Thank you.

[10:12] The –

[10:13] Or is it?

[10:15] The actress – I think her name is Isabel Furman.

[10:19] At the time of the first movie, she was 11 years old playing an adult who pretended to be a child.

[10:28] Now she is an adult who is pretending to be a child.

[10:31] She is in her early 20s.

[10:34] And I don't – like I felt like when watching this movie, the first shots of the snowy drive were so like beautiful and crisp.

[10:44] And then so much of the rest of the movie looks like they smeared Vaseline all over it.

[10:47] And I was wondering like is this to hide the fact that they now clearly have an adult woman playing this person who is supposed to look like a child?

Elliott Kalan

[10:55] I think it's partly – I think it's partly for atmospheric effect but also partly – I mean the movie, I don't know how many child body doubles or what angles they used.

[11:04] But she looks very much like a grown-up pretending to be a child in this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[11:08] Wait, is she – is she –

Elliott Kalan

[11:10] No, she's probably like your height, Hallie.

[11:11] Maybe it's slightly shorter than you.

[11:12] She's like 5'3", I think.

[11:14] So yeah, it's movie magic.

[11:16] Yeah, it's movie magic.

Stuart Wellington

[11:17] Part of the appeal for me, I like – I love forced perspective.

[11:20] I love body doubles.

[11:21] It's all over the place in Lord of the Rings.

[11:23] It's in this movie too.

Elliott Kalan

[11:24] That's why Stuart's favorite movie is Clifford starring Martin Short as a mischievous little boy.

Stuart Wellington

[11:28] A movie that is getting a cultural reevaluation as we speak, Hallie.

Elliott Kalan

[11:33] True.

[11:33] We are living in the new Clifford universe.

[11:35] Yeah.

[11:35] The MCU, the Martin Short-Clifford universe.

Dan McCoy

[11:38] Yeah.

[11:38] They did do like a very little like digital de-aging with her face, but most of it was practical effects from what I understand, just body doubles and angles.

[11:49] So –

[11:49] Thumbs up.

[11:50] Yeah.

[11:50] Oh, yeah.

Hallie Haglund

[11:51] That makes me like the movie even more.

[11:53] I have even more respect for it.

Elliott Kalan

[11:55] Yeah, I mean that being said, it is very hard to believe that the family doesn't recognize that – I mean I guess the orphan movies could also be called the dumb dad series.

[12:04] Yes.

[12:04] Because in every movie there's some oblivious dad who does not recognize that this is clearly not a child.

[12:10] It's all about dumb hot daddies.

Stuart Wellington

[12:11] Dumb sexy dads.

Elliott Kalan

[12:12] Dumb sexy – these dumb daddies.

[12:14] And the dad in this one –

[12:16] Dumb dad.

[12:18] What's the actor?

[12:18] It's Donald Sutherland's other son.

[12:21] Yes.

[12:21] Or one of Donald Sutherland's other sons.

[12:23] It's like –

[12:24] It's –

[12:25] Sorry, it's Rossif Sutherland.

[12:27] And he is – it's just like – the character he's playing is so like hushed and like this hushed sad dad bod dad who's oblivious to the world around him because he has an artistic soul.

[12:39] And he paints the chintziest paintings.

[12:41] I thought those were cool.

[12:43] Thank you.

[12:44] I think they're cool too.

[12:45] And we'll try to save the first movie.

[12:47] When we get to them, they're kind of – this is me being snobby.

[12:50] They're kind of level one art.

Hallie Haglund

[12:51] No, what's ridiculous is her paintings and everyone's like, you're so talented.

[12:56] It's like she looks like she like is a child drawing.

Elliott Kalan

[13:01] Wow.

[13:01] So anyway, this girl – we're back at the Sarn Institute.

[13:04] This girl introduced herself as Lena.

[13:06] She's got a sharpened pencil in her hand.

[13:08] Oh, no.

[13:08] She's seen The Dark Knight.

[13:10] She knows what you can do with a sharpened pencil.

[13:12] But the doctors come in.

[13:13] They demand she drop the pencil and it lands with a boom.

[13:17] And the doctor goes, hey, you should know – I should have told you this beforehand when I told you Lena was super dangerous and that she was on the loose.

[13:23] She has a gland disorder.

[13:24] She stopped growing at 10 years old.

[13:26] And she's now 31 and she's an exceptional con artist and talks about – oh, yeah, Lena invaded a family as a runaway and killed all of them.

[13:32] Anyway, welcome to your new job.

Stuart Wellington

[13:33] Which is possibly the first kill, but we're not sure because –

[13:37] But we're – yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[13:38] We'll never know.

[13:39] And the first art therapy class, Lena suddenly taunts this other patient who turns feral whenever offered a piece of candy.

[13:47] And this is nine minutes into the movie.

[13:50] And I was like, there's a lot going on already nine minutes in.

[13:52] Yeah, it's great.

[13:53] Lena is watching a movie in her room.

[13:56] I believe it's The Little Princess.

[13:57] It's Shirley Temple's version of it.

[13:59] She gets a package from a guard that has a dress in it.

[14:02] And there's an icky part where she is seducing this guard to come into her room.

[14:07] And then she slams his head against a wall so many times that he dies.

[14:11] Yes.

[14:11] And steals his key card and escapes.

[14:14] And there's a whole sequence where she is – she's kind of sneaking through the halls just dodging people.

[14:18] And no one in this hospital has peripheral vision.

[14:21] There's no way that she – that, like, they don't – they wouldn't notice her.

[14:24] And this is the beginning of Lena –

[14:25] Put it up in the fucking goof section, dude.

[14:27] Sorry.

Dan McCoy

[14:28] That's the thing you object to and not the fact that this person

[14:32] with this glandular disorder has the strength to beat this guy to death by, like, slamming his head.

Stuart Wellington

[14:41] Dan, I'm actually looking at – I'm actually looking at the security guard's file.

[14:45] And he has a gland disorder that makes his head super soft.

[14:47] Yeah, he has what's called eggshell head.

Elliott Kalan

[14:49] His head is actually as thin of it as an eggshell.

[14:52] Yeah.

[14:52] He should have been wearing –

[14:53] He should have been wearing his helmet.

[14:54] It reminds me of the psychiatric institute in the movie Glass where there was one security guard on duty at all times.

[15:00] And it was like, wait a minute.

[15:01] You're holding criminal masterminds.

[15:03] Like, you can't just have one person.

[15:05] Anyway, this starts a theme of the movie, which is that the movie is presenting Lena as this brilliant, Hannibal Lecter-esque, sociopathic mastermind when she's constantly screwing up.

[15:16] And she's constantly making mistakes.

[15:17] And it only is because the people she's –

Stuart Wellington

[15:19] Makes her more relatable as a hero, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[15:20] Because the people that she's fooling are so either oblivious or evil that they either don't notice or choose not to notice.

Dan McCoy

[15:27] One thing that I like and, you know, we'll reveal the big twist of this movie when we get to it.

[15:33] When we get to it.

Elliott Kalan

[15:35] Spoilers.

[15:35] Get ready for – Orphan for spoilers.

Dan McCoy

[15:37] Yeah, if you want to see this movie, see it before we talk about it because there is a big spoiler.

Stuart Wellington

[15:43] Yeah, just crack open your Paramount Plus and watch that shit.

Dan McCoy

[15:45] But I do – I will say this sort of vaguely now.

[15:50] Like, I think it's hilarious how this movie suggests that, like, oh, maybe how good she is at being – pulling the scam in the first movie is partly because she's gotten some help in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[16:03] I mean, she's not super good at the scam in the first movie either.

[16:07] I didn't see the first movie.

[16:08] So that makes sense to me then more that this is the still untested Lena.

[16:15] She has not fully become – they should have called it becoming – they should have called it Orphan becoming Esther.

[16:19] Like, that would have been a better –

[16:20] Yeah.

[16:21] Perfect.

Stuart Wellington

[16:23] Or Orphan kills six through 12 or whatever.

[16:27] Yeah, that's true.

Elliott Kalan

[16:29] Orphan.

[16:29] Not the first kill but some early-ish ones.

[16:31] Anyway, she's dodging people.

[16:33] She eventually – a security guard briefly stops her, but she goes, hey, do you want some candy?

[16:38] To the feral inmate whose job is to stand in the lobby with a mop and a bucket, just hauntingly, very slowly mopping to scare people as they walk in, like a haunted mansion.

[16:49] It's like a Halloween haunted house, you know.

[16:53] And so the feral one attacks that security guard, and Lena escapes, and she manages to get into the car of the art therapist who quits her job but doesn't seem to –

[17:03] Now, maybe I misunderstood what was going on.

[17:04] It looked like her art therapist is in the car.

[17:08] Lena gets in.

[17:10] Anna, the art therapist, leaves and quits, then gets back into her car and drives to the city and then seems confused about whether or not Lena is in the car or not.

[17:17] And maybe I missed something.

[17:19] It seemed like she should have known the whole time that this dangerous person is in the car.

Dan McCoy

[17:21] No, no, I do think you missed something.

[17:23] I think that you saw that Lena, like, was in front of her, like, the little spooky, like, shh, don't tell anyone that I'm escaping.

[17:33] And then – so Anna, the therapist, was like, oh, she ran off into the woods or whatever.

[17:40] She doesn't know that she, like, got into the car.

Elliott Kalan

[17:41] I thought there was a shot of the door opening and closing, but maybe I misread that.

[17:45] Maybe that was Anna getting out.

[17:47] Yeah.

[17:47] Or maybe that was afterwards.

[17:49] Yeah.

[17:49] Anyway, because if I know Lena is out and she's shushing me, I'm staying in my car and I'm getting away as quickly as possible.

[17:56] I'm not bothering to give notice.

[17:58] I'm not even Trevor Noah-ing and announcing it on the last day as a surprise.

[18:02] I'm just leaving without telling anybody.

Dan McCoy

[18:04] That's – yeah, I mean, like, that could be an email.

Elliott Kalan

[18:07] That's, like – by the way –

[18:10] I think this confession under duress because I'm scared there's a psychopath out there could be an email.

Stuart Wellington

[18:16] I think, yeah, I mean, I'm not a big fan of the concept of quiet quitting, but maybe in this case.

[18:23] This is time for the big resignation.

Elliott Kalan

[18:25] She quit.

[18:25] And then she quits, yeah.

[18:27] Anyway, she goes home.

[18:29] The trunk of her car opens on its own, and when she walks around to look at it, there's no one in there.

[18:34] And she goes into her house, and Lena's there with a tire iron, and she hits her with a tire iron.

[18:37] Lena takes a while to play the piano.

[18:39] It turns out she's a beautiful piano player.

[18:41] She drinks some wine.

[18:42] She browses the internet looking for missing American girls she can pass for.

[18:46] And she dresses up in her fancy dress that was given to her.

[18:51] She looks fully orphan style now.

[18:52] And then she finds that the art therapist is still alive, so she kills her by hitting her a bunch more times with a tire iron.

[18:57] And, you know, she's changed into –

[18:58] Still not the first kill.

Dan McCoy

[18:59] She's changed into her, like, clean clothes now.

[19:02] She took off the clothes that had all the blood on them, cleaned herself up, and then she had to bloody herself up again.

Elliott Kalan

[19:08] It's a bummer.

[19:08] Yeah, so she's got to – so, I mean, it's a mistake kids make.

[19:12] She's not a kid, of course, but, you know.

[19:14] So she goes to a –

[19:15] She's method.

[19:16] Yes.

[19:17] She goes to a –

[19:17] She's the most method actor there is.

[19:20] She goes to a playground.

[19:21] She sits spookily on a swing at night until a police officer comes by.

[19:25] And she's like, please, sir, I am American.

[19:28] And she has this accent through the rest of the movie.

[19:31] She never –

[19:31] I don't think she even tries to do an American accent, which is hilarious.

[19:34] Anyway, then we cut to Darien, Connecticut.

[19:37] That's right, everybody.

[19:38] One of the most expensive places to live in the United States.

[19:41] They've got an amazing public library, Darien, Connecticut.

Dan McCoy

[19:44] Yeah, I was unaware of like – but when it came up, Audrey immediately was like, oh, that's a very, very fancy place.

[19:53] And then when things started happening later on, she's like, oh, okay.

[19:56] It makes sense.

[19:56] Like you don't set something in Darien, Connecticut unless you're commenting on how wealthy the people there are or whatever as they kind of get into later.

Elliott Kalan

[20:05] A little bit.

[20:05] Also, I mean, or just the fact that like they mainly make movies about rich people now.

Dan McCoy

[20:10] Like they don't make a lot –

[20:11] Oh, Elliot, come on.

[20:12] I mean like I'm having a hard time.

Elliott Kalan

[20:15] What's the last mainstream entertainment movie you saw that didn't take place in a big house with family with lots of money?

[20:20] I'm saying that like –

Hallie Haglund

[20:21] What about that one about the laundry?

Elliott Kalan

[20:24] Everything everywhere all at once?

[20:26] I'd still call that a fairly independent film.

[20:28] But good point.

[20:29] That's one.

Dan McCoy

[20:29] That's not what I'm saying.

[20:30] I'm saying that it is clearly a point that they're making to make these people wealthy once we know the big reveal.

[20:39] Like the idea of like, oh, we're getting away with these things.

[20:43] I don't know.

[20:44] The movie is not even subtle about it.

[20:46] How can you say I don't know?

Elliott Kalan

[20:46] No, but the fact that the son later on goes, people like me matter in this country.

[20:51] Yeah.

[20:51] Like they are being very heavy-handed, but I think you're giving them – it is – I'm not going to give them credit for making the most blatant point of like rich people have secrets.

Dan McCoy

[21:00] All I'm saying is they set it in a place purposefully.

[21:04] Like that's literally all the –

Elliott Kalan

[21:06] What was the family like in the first orphan movie?

[21:08] How were they doing financially still?

[21:09] You just –

[21:09] They're middle class things.

[21:11] Middle class.

[21:11] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[21:11] I don't even know what we're arguing about.

Elliott Kalan

[21:13] Oh, I'm just tired of watching movies where the main characters have huge houses and they don't have to worry about money and things like that.

[21:19] So anyway.

[21:19] That's literally part of the point.

Stuart Wellington

[21:20] Kind of the interesting thing though is that there's also like a trend in a lot of media to focus on like how out of touch rich people are.

[21:28] But at the same time, it kind of feels like lifestyle porn.

[21:31] You know what I mean?

[21:32] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[21:32] Well, that's the thing.

[21:33] It's a very thin line between those two things.

[21:36] And I think that's really more – thank you, Stuart, for articulating more what I'm getting at.

[21:38] That it's hard to do this kind of thing without it slipping into lifestyle.

[21:42] Oh, that's fine.

Dan McCoy

[21:44] You can be annoyed at that.

[21:45] But separate it out from like clearly a decision was made to do this for a particular reason.

[21:51] That's what I'm saying.

Elliott Kalan

[21:51] L.A. is bringing in stuff from outside.

[21:55] Yeah.

[21:55] I didn't realize I wasn't allowed to use my personal opinion about stuff.

[21:58] Anyway.

[21:59] It's kind of a fancy rat though, right?

[22:01] It is.

[22:03] Well, the rat does have a little top hat and a monocle.

[22:05] That's true.

[22:06] So Daring Connecticut, it's a fencing competition.

[22:08] Suddenly there's an indie style rock song playing.

[22:10] It was a big change in style from the beginning of the movie.

[22:13] And we meet Gunner.

[22:14] He's a high school boy who's a fencer.

[22:16] And he does not want to hang out with his parents after his big fencing meet.

[22:20] And the dad is resentful of the son having fun.

[22:23] And the mom, Julia Stiles, is like, hey, I miss our daughter too.

[22:26] But he has to move on.

[22:28] We all have to move on.

[22:30] And the cops – a detective shows up from the cops.

[22:32] We've got news about Esther, your missing daughter.

[22:35] Cut to Moscow.

[22:36] Russia.

[22:37] That Moscow.

[22:38] Julia Stiles is there.

[22:39] And she's told that apparently Esther, their missing daughter, was kidnapped by a Russian and taken there for years.

[22:46] And the federal agent is like, be ready for some changes.

[22:49] And they walk in to find Lena ominously playing the piano.

[22:53] Yeah, that's awesome.

[22:54] And she both doesn't look or sound like their daughter.

[22:57] She kind of looks like their daughter.

[22:59] She kind of looks like her a little bit.

[23:00] She looks a little bit like her.

[23:02] Anyway, she goes over and hugs mom.

[23:04] Now they're on a private plane flight back home.

[23:06] And Julia Stiles is showing her family pictures.

[23:09] And Lena makes the first of her incredibly stupid mistakes.

[23:12] Although Julia Stiles leads her into this trap.

[23:14] Because Julia Stiles shows them a picture of an old lady.

[23:16] And she goes, oh, Nana has been so good to us.

[23:18] And Lena goes, I can't wait to see her.

[23:20] And she's like – Julia Stiles is like, she died when you were a little girl.

Dan McCoy

[23:23] Oh, right.

[23:24] I forget.

[23:25] Ha ha.

Elliott Kalan

[23:25] I've been away so long.

[23:26] And then she steals a mini bottle, goes into the bathroom and drinks it and starts hitting things going, stupid Lena, stupid.

[23:33] And then walks out again.

Dan McCoy

[23:34] I mean –

[23:35] Very relatable.

[23:36] You know what?

[23:36] But this is not Lena's fault because Julia Stiles said –

[23:39] No, she says she's been so good.

[23:41] She's been so good.

[23:42] No one says that.

[23:44] About a dead person.

[23:45] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[23:46] I mean, I don't know.

[23:47] They're a crazy family.

[23:48] It's possible there's a ghost in that house.

[23:49] Anyway, she keeps slipping up.

[23:51] She says father instead of dad.

[23:55] And when her mom tries to take the cloth choker off of her neck, she grabs her wrist and says no.

[24:01] Anyway, there's a tearful airport reunion with the dad and the brother.

[24:04] And the brother's greeting is pretty underwhelming.

[24:06] We're going to find out why later on.

[24:09] He's like, hey, how you been?

[24:10] They drive home in silence.

[24:12] And Lena is amazed at the huge mansion.

[24:14] And this is where it's halfway between wealth porn and halfway between Annie singing I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here from Annie.

[24:22] Where she's like, Fabergé eggs on the mantle.

[24:26] Hardwood floors everywhere.

[24:28] I think I'm gonna like pretending to be your dead daughter here.

[24:32] Uh-huh.

[24:33] And so her room is still full of little dolls.

[24:37] And Lena's-

[24:37] Dollhouse.

[24:38] Beautiful dollhouse.

[24:39] Beautiful dollhouse.

[24:39] Yeah, it's gorgeous.

[24:40] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[24:40] Yeah.

[24:41] And then like, and one of those like little Victorian rat windows.

Elliott Kalan

[24:45] What's amazing is that, what's weird, it seemed to be setting up the idea that Esther, when she was live, lived in the 19th century.

[24:52] At the very least the 1950s, because she's got this incredibly old school record player that she plays a Jimmy Durante song on.

[24:58] Jimmy Durante.

Dan McCoy

[25:00] What the kids loved back in.

[25:03] Wait, so she would have been, let's see, 2007.

[25:06] So she was kidnapped in, I don't know, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10.

[25:10] I remember the Jimmy Durante resurgence in 2003.

[25:13] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[25:14] It was on the heels of the swing dance revival was the Jimmy Durante renaissance.

[25:18] Yeah.

[25:19] When you would just walk onto school yards and you hear kids going, hinka dinka doo, goodnight Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.

[25:26] Well, give me some more go-gurt.

[25:27] That kind of stuff, you know.

Dan McCoy

[25:28] A guy who I'm primarily familiar with through Looney Tunes, when people would turn into him because they have a big nose.

Hallie Haglund

[25:35] Stuart, in the first movies, did they explain why she dresses like she's out of like the 19th century?

[25:42] No.

[25:44] It seems that it's kind of like now.

Elliott Kalan

[25:45] I think it's because it's scary.

[25:47] But it's also, it's like a combination of like, I guess in Eastern Europe they dress old.

[25:50] But also when Julia Stiles goes to buy her clothes, she buys her clothes that are all like, look like they're from the Victorian or the, you know.

[25:57] Yeah.

[25:57] Or like, she looks like she's in the czar's court under Nicholas.

[26:00] I think she's like trying to lean into it.

[26:02] But what about the dad's boxers?

[26:03] But the dad does have some silly boxers.

[26:05] Yeah.

[26:06] Anyway, yeah, she's trying to lean into her returned daughter's love of old-fashioned, of looking like an American girl doll.

[26:12] Anyway, Lena says she likes painting.

[26:14] The dad is a professional artist.

[26:16] He's a painter who's been kind of blocked ever since Esther disappeared.

[26:20] So he's very excited.

[26:21] And they leave her to rest and she puts on that Jimmy Durante record about love.

[26:25] The next day, mom takes Lena to her doctor or therapist appointment.

[26:28] And the therapist has a parrot.

[26:31] And Lena misidentifies it as a different parrot.

[26:34] And I just, immediately I was like, why would a therapist have a parrot, the one bird that can repeat what is said in confidence in the office?

[26:43] The minute I saw that parrot, I would be like, sorry, doc.

Dan McCoy

[26:46] And I would walk out.

[26:47] You do need, it's not like the cartoons, speaking of cartoons.

[26:50] You do need to repeat the phrase to the parrot several times to get them to mimic.

[26:54] You can't.

[26:54] That happens in therapy.

Hallie Haglund

[26:56] Yeah, that is therapy.

[26:57] Just repeating your issues over and over again until you hear them.

[27:01] All I know is, all I know is.

Dan McCoy

[27:02] I think you're mistaking that for the Meisner technique.

[27:05] Oh, I see, I see.

Stuart Wellington

[27:07] The Meisner bird, the Meisner bird technique.

[27:10] I don't know what you said to your therapist, but I just keep saying, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, blood everywhere over and over.

Elliott Kalan

[27:17] Yeah, a lot of your therapy things is just you basically repeating the lyrics to this Megadeth song, Sweating Bullets.

[27:23] Yeah, exactly.

[27:25] So, anyway, Lena's like, I'm not ready to tell my parents what happened to me.

[27:31] And mom gets called in and Lena goes to another office.

[27:33] And being a master spy, she manages to trick the receptionist or the other doctor into leaving her office.

[27:42] And then turns on the old-timey intercom, which, of course, is also connected to the therapist's office so she can hear what's being said.

[27:50] And the therapist is like, it feels like I'm seeing a performance.

[27:54] It doesn't seem totally real.

[27:56] And there's this other kid in the waiting room who catches her snooping.

[27:59] And so Lena.

[28:00] And Lena says, what do you think?

[28:02] Does it feel like a performance to you?

[28:04] What if I do it more like this?

[28:07] What about if I use an Italian accent?

[28:10] And the kid is like, too much, too big.

[28:12] And so she pretends that this kid hit her in order to cut the appointment short and get out of there.

[28:18] And as they walk out, she notices across the street the detective, who is not even trying to hide that he's there, is taking pictures of them leaving.

[28:26] He's not even standing behind a bench or anything.

[28:29] It's amazing.

Dan McCoy

[28:30] I'm just taking pictures from my art series of photos of therapist's office.

Elliott Kalan

[28:36] It's called exterior interiors.

[28:40] So Gunnar's friends show up.

[28:42] They tease Lena, who curses at them in maybe Estonian, maybe Russian.

[28:46] And Dad takes Lena to his art studio, which I have to say is amazingly clean and well-organized for an art studio.

[28:51] Maybe because he hasn't used it in a while.

Hallie Haglund

[28:52] But wasn't it surprising that those kids were so mean?

[28:56] No.

Stuart Wellington

[28:56] They're rich kids.

[28:57] That's a theme in the orphan movies, people being unnecessarily mean to Esther for no reason.

Elliott Kalan

[29:04] And maybe this is part of Dan's – the subtext Dan has dug up in it about rich people not being nice and not caring about other people.

Dan McCoy

[29:11] She literally – like you said, he says later on, people don't care about people.

[29:15] And the turn that Julia – anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[29:19] But these kids don't know the – unless they know the twist.

[29:22] Unless Gunnar revealed to them a head of time.

[29:24] Oh, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[29:24] But they're just – yeah, they were also just rich assholes.

[29:27] I mean, they're all bad people.

Stuart Wellington

[29:28] They all probably killed people too.

Elliott Kalan

[29:29] And so let's talk about our opinions about the dad's art.

[29:33] Because so here's what the dad does.

[29:34] He paints pictures and then using black light paint that you can only see when an ultraviolet light is on, he paints hidden pictures.

[29:42] So this looks like a picture of a woman looking at herself in the mirror.

[29:46] Turn on the black light.

[29:46] She's crying.

[29:47] There's tears on her cheeks.

[29:49] What about this picture of a little girl?

[29:50] Turn on the black light.

[29:51] There's butterflies flying around her.

[29:52] And I was like, come on, man.

Dan McCoy

[29:54] This is – there's nothing going on.

[29:57] And they're like – and Julia Stiles is like –

[29:59] He's targeting the Grateful Dead market that loves fine arts so much and they want it for their home.

Elliott Kalan

[30:07] I mean, I bet – I bet they're – maybe they're saying something about the art market where it's like I could see some rich jerk buying this for a lot of money and being like, check it out.

[30:14] I had to install black lights in the room for this.

[30:17] Get it?

[30:17] She's looking in the mirror but really she's sad as opposed to like art where you have to figure it out.

Hallie Haglund

[30:23] I mean, maybe I'm that rich jerk who would buy it.

Elliott Kalan

[30:26] Wow.

[30:27] You were Jeff Goldblum in Hannah and Her Sisters being like, yeah, I need a painting that's about yay big that goes with my couch.

Hallie Haglund

[30:33] I'm like those people.

[30:34] Did you guys –

[30:35] Oh, sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[30:35] I mean Daniel Stern.

[30:36] I'm sorry.

[30:37] Daniel Stern in Hannah and Her Sisters.

Hallie Haglund

[30:38] Well, I mean, Stuart, you said you like the art too, right?

Stuart Wellington

[30:41] Yeah, I think it's awesome.

[30:42] It's black – like I love black light shit.

[30:44] That's great.

Hallie Haglund

[30:45] Yeah, it looks cool.

Stuart Wellington

[30:46] I guess it's more – I feel like he's not taking advantage of the opportunities.

Hallie Haglund

[30:50] But I don't feel like we actually got a look – a good look at all of the black light painting.

[30:54] We never saw a finished piece.

Dan McCoy

[30:56] That's fair.

[30:56] The thing that confused me about this honestly was – and maybe I should give the credit to the movie for not doing this, for not everything figuring into the plot.

[31:06] But I was sure that later on like we would see this come up where there was a secret message in a black light painting or –

[31:14] Oh, I think –

[31:15] For that, you need to go back to the first movie.

[31:18] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[31:18] Because this is a setup because she used the skills she learned here in the – that's part of being a prequel, you know.

[31:26] I see.

Elliott Kalan

[31:27] And it all fits – I mean, here's one where I felt like –

[31:29] It fits together perfectly.

[31:30] And this is like the rich people theme.

Hallie Haglund

[31:32] Oh, this is supposed to be a prequel?

Elliott Kalan

[31:33] Yeah, yeah.

[31:34] This is set before the other –

Hallie Haglund

[31:35] Oh, that's why it's called First Kill.

[31:36] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[31:37] But we don't see her first kill.

[31:39] Okay.

[31:39] So you thought it was a sequel.

[31:42] Even though it was set in 2007, you thought it was a sequel.

Hallie Haglund

[31:44] I didn't even know that it was set in 2007.

Elliott Kalan

[31:47] I can only assume –

[31:48] It starts with Estonia, 2007 at the very beginning.

Hallie Haglund

[31:50] Well, I was stretching while I was watching it.

Elliott Kalan

[31:53] I mean, Dan routinely gets up to cut produce while he's watching the movie, so.

Stuart Wellington

[31:58] I can only assume that when the third movie comes out, it's going to – she's going to be even younger, played by the same actress.

Elliott Kalan

[32:05] But when the first – it's going to be called Orphan, First Kill for Real, and she's actually going to be a kid, pretending to be an adult.

Hallie Haglund

[32:11] I love that every movie, the camera just gets farther and farther and farther away from her.

Elliott Kalan

[32:15] See, I thought that she was like –

[32:16] They're like, Esther, let me give you a hug.

[32:20] And they have to like – one of them is 50 feet behind the other, so they have to like try to mime it.

[32:25] Like someone at the Leaning Tower of Pisa, pretending they're lifting it up.

Dan McCoy

[32:28] They just have like fake hands on poles.

Elliott Kalan

[32:31] Well, it's like Fay Wray and the King Kong hands.

[32:34] That's what they have to do is enormous fake arms.

[32:38] I thought you were going to –

[32:38] In the first one, she's a kid pretending to be a baby.

[32:41] That's what it is.

Dan McCoy

[32:42] Yeah, well, I thought that the first kill would be like her as a baby tearing her way out of her mother's womb.

Elliott Kalan

[32:47] Perfect.

[32:48] Oh, like in It's Alive.

[32:49] So it also – this is a very obvious hitting of the theme of there's more beneath the surface than what you see on the surface.

[32:55] That, you know, hidden meanings.

[32:57] And that isn't Esther the ultimate hidden meaning because she's not really Esther.

[33:01] So anyway, they are painting in there, and she starts to fall in love with the dad.

[33:06] She's really drawn to him.

[33:07] That's her thing.

[33:08] Pun intended because they're drawing.

[33:10] And she finds an evidence board of Esther's disappearance that her dad made.

[33:16] And Julia Stiles catches Lena putting charcoal from the sketch she made of the dad onto her own lips as if she's kissing the idea of the father.

[33:25] And later, Julia Stiles walks in and almost looks in Lena's old book of evidence photos that she carries around while Lena's in the other room binding her chest to look more like a kid.

[33:36] And then Lena finds Esther's diary and starts practicing the words that Esther uses in it, such as mommy, words she never could have known before.

Dan McCoy

[33:45] Well, yeah, she uses mommy with a U, like either the British way or the Egyptian pharaoh way.

[33:54] The movie starring Brendan Fraser.

[33:55] But I wonder – you know, she's binding her chest to look like a child.

[34:00] I wonder if that answers your question about old-timey clothes to some degree.

[34:03] Because I feel like if you were in just like a T-shirt, it would be hard to cover up the fact that you have like a bunch of like wrapping on your chest.

[34:10] Who knows?

Elliott Kalan

[34:10] I don't know about that.

[34:11] If it's – I mean –

[34:13] Maybe.

[34:13] I don't – I'm not the first one to know anything about binding your chest to make it look smaller.

[34:18] Mm-hmm.

[34:21] Hallie, do you have experience with this?

[34:23] Or you're saying that I do do that?

[34:24] I'm saying that you do.

[34:25] Oh, I do do that.

[34:25] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[34:25] I like that sassy.

[34:27] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[34:27] Yeah.

[34:28] I mean, I don't want to distract Stuart with my enormous breasts.

[34:31] I mean, I understand why she would wear loose clothes, but they don't have to be tied to a certain era.

Hallie Haglund

[34:37] She could wear like –

[34:38] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[34:39] They could be baggy clothes or just sweatshirts.

[34:41] Yeah.

[34:42] I mean, overalls would make her look more like a little kid to be honest.

[34:45] Yeah.

[34:45] Get some oshkosh on her.

[34:47] Yeah, yeah.

[34:48] But I think –

[34:48] Or an engineer.

[34:49] The problem is then –

[34:51] Dan sees a kid wearing overalls like farmers are getting younger and younger.

[34:55] I can't believe this kid is running.

Stuart Wellington

[34:57] Driving a train at your age?

[35:00] I mean, she would have to get like kind of bright overalls because she also has to wear a choker.

[35:04] So if she wants to blend in with like a raver kid or I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[35:08] Yeah, yeah.

[35:10] So –

[35:11] Wait.

Hallie Haglund

[35:12] Now that we're back to the clothes, I have one question.

[35:15] Sure.

[35:15] Yeah.

[35:15] Who sent her that dress in the beginning?

Elliott Kalan

[35:18] Oh, I think that was just the security guard bringing it to her.

[35:21] Oh, okay.

[35:21] I was – at first it looked like it was male also, but I think that was – I think he went out and bought that because he was –

Stuart Wellington

[35:27] Yeah, it's pretty classic cam girl gift type material.

Elliott Kalan

[35:32] He thinks he's grooming her, but she was grooming him for death.

Stuart Wellington

[35:36] I mean, it's not creepy.

[35:37] He knows she's 30.

Elliott Kalan

[35:39] I guess – I mean, she's still an inmate at the asylum that he's a security guard at.

Dan McCoy

[35:43] Yeah, there's a –

[35:44] There's still an end of this issue.

[35:46] There's a power differential there that I think needs to –

[35:49] Yeah, that's –

[35:50] Okay, sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[35:53] Back to –

[35:54] So anyway, it's dinner time.

[35:55] The dad's really proud of Lena's drawing.

[35:57] Julia Stiles is in a dubious mood and the detective shows up and is like,

[36:00] Hey, I'd love to have a meeting with all of you and the therapist.

[36:03] And Lena's very rude to him and starts eating very aggressively.

[36:08] She steals a bunch of jewelry and some money as a rat watches from her vents.

[36:11] And this symbolizes, of course, that rats.

[36:14] And it's clear that she's going to try to escape.

[36:17] But she's drawn back in by seeing the dad painting away in the studio that night.

[36:22] And she goes back to her room and her rat.

[36:26] I got to get that daddy, she says.

[36:28] Yeah.

[36:29] And the next day, Julia Stiles is jogging and sits on a giant manhole cover and looks at photos on her phone of Lena and of little Esther.

[36:37] The next day, there's a big fancy charity gala that Julia Stiles, I guess, organizes.

[36:43] Or it's her charity, it's hers in some way.

Hallie Haglund

[36:48] Very weird.

[36:49] If it's her charity, why is it for childhood cancer rather than missing children?

[36:55] Wouldn't you think the charity would have something to do with the disappearance of her daughter?

Elliott Kalan

[37:00] Maybe the person that she consulted with who helps rich people find charities thought it would help her to get closure if she was working on a charity that was not about missing children.

Hallie Haglund

[37:10] Oh, that's true.

[37:11] Or maybe the missing daughter also had cancer.

[37:14] It's possible, yeah.

[37:15] This girl had really bad luck.

Elliott Kalan

[37:17] Yeah.

[37:17] Well, poor Esther.

[37:19] And luck's only to get worse for the girl pretending to be her.

[37:24] And Julia Stiles says to the dad, she's like, when we got Esther back, I feel like we got us back.

[37:30] And they start making out and taking their clothes off.

[37:33] And she laughs for a moment at his funny boxer shorts.

Dan McCoy

[37:37] There's a part in this movie where she reaches into her.

[37:41] And I was genuinely like, I'm like, wow, okay, movie.

[37:45] That's not something you see in these usually.

Elliott Kalan

[37:48] I feel like every time you see a movie sex scene and someone does something that someone would actually do with their significant other or just sexual partner, it always surprises me that it's not just kind of like weird, not quite lined up thrusting with dramatic gasping.

[38:05] But the same way that what's so brilliant about the sex scene in Don't Look Now where it's like, yeah, and then they're naked and they brush their teeth and they get dressed.

[38:16] And the shots of them being very casually naked around each other where it's like, oh, yeah, you don't normally see that in a movie.

[38:22] Normally, there's a –

[38:24] How strange that you brought up Don't Look Now, Elliot.

[38:28] Oh, another movie with a killer little person.

[38:31] Yeah.

[38:33] Anyway, so –

Stuart Wellington

[38:34] And a Sutherland.

Elliott Kalan

[38:36] Yeah, that's true.

[38:37] Oh, and Sutherland Pair.

[38:39] Do you think that's what led him to this project?

[38:42] All this time he was like, I'll show you dad.

[38:46] I'll do a killer little person movie.

[38:48] It'll be even better than yours.

[38:49] It'll make sense.

[38:51] I'll have a sex scene in it.

[38:53] So Alina, though, is watching this and she's very angry and she slashes the mom's dress, which interrupts their lovemaking.

[38:59] And she just wears a different dress.

[39:02] And so Gunner is supposed to watch her, his sister, that night.

[39:05] Instead, he invites his friends over for a fairly tame drinking and fire pit party, I have to admit.

[39:10] And Lena watches her around.

Stuart Wellington

[39:11] Yeah, it's not like it's euphoria or something.

Elliott Kalan

[39:13] Yeah, and she walks in as Gunner is referring to her as a weirdo.

[39:16] And then she tells Gunner to go fuck himself and walks off.

[39:19] And all his friends are like, oh.

[39:20] And I was like, uh-oh.

[39:22] Is what's going to happen to her – is it going to happen to her what happened to the little sister in Hereditary?

[39:28] Because I don't think I can see another head covered in ants.

[39:30] I don't need to see that again.

[39:32] Oh, yeah.

[39:33] That's maybe the most distressing shot in a movie that I've seen in years.

[39:39] So anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[39:40] It gets funnier the more times you see it, though.

[39:42] I bet that's true.

Elliott Kalan

[39:43] How is that possible?

[39:46] So the detective shows up and he's like, hey, I just need to use your bathroom.

[39:51] And he goes in and he investigates Lena's room.

Stuart Wellington

[39:55] That's like a Fletch move right there.

Elliott Kalan

[39:59] He takes the Jimmy Durante record not because he's a huge fan but because he used a blacklight again to see that there's fingerprints on it.

[40:08] And she sees him doing this.

[40:10] And the parents get home and the mom sees Lena's –

Stuart Wellington

[40:12] He doesn't even turn off the record player.

Elliott Kalan

[40:15] Just leaves it turning, turning, turning.

[40:16] Just like life.

[40:17] They're all in the circle game.

[40:19] One season, you're just pretending to be a little kid and the next, you're growing up.

[40:24] You know?

[40:25] Words like when you're older must appease her.

[40:27] And she's like, but I am older.

[40:28] I'm 30.

[40:29] I'm just pretending to be a child.

[40:30] What is happening?

[40:33] Dan, I'm celebrating the artistry of Joni Mitchell is what I'm doing.

[40:37] Oh, no.

Dan McCoy

[40:37] I can get on board with that.

[40:39] I just didn't recognize.

Elliott Kalan

[40:40] Dan, he stole her heart and her camera.

[40:42] So come on.

[40:44] So anyway, it's a different song.

[40:47] So she finds – Julia Stiles finds this book that Lena uses.

[40:51] And it's got all sorts of creepy pictures in it.

[40:54] Yeah.

[40:54] And at the back, she sees it's marked for the Sarn Institute.

[40:58] And uh-oh, she thought this was safe because Lena was in the shower.

[41:01] The shower's empty.

[41:03] Which is a huge waste of water.

[41:04] That made me so mad.

[41:06] Esther's just left this shower running for I don't know how long.

[41:08] The detective's at home, pours himself a drink, starts doing some detective work.

Dan McCoy

[41:12] Let's take a moment to talk about how he treats his knife when he has – he like cut up like, you know, some citrus.

[41:19] And then he stabs the knife into the cutting board.

[41:22] Into the cutting board.

[41:23] And I'm like, you're fucking ruining your knife, dude.

[41:26] I mean like – spoiler alert, he's not going to be around that much longer.

[41:29] So I guess it's fine.

Hallie Haglund

[41:30] But it was really snappy how he – snappy how he like made the drink, you know?

[41:35] Yeah.

[41:35] Oh, yeah.

[41:36] It was really elegant.

[41:37] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[41:38] It's like he's doing it for TikTok or something.

Hallie Haglund

[41:40] Yeah, I'd like to dance with that man.

[41:42] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[41:44] And so he looks up the fingerprints on his computer scanner and they are not a match for Esther's fingerprints.

[41:50] And he goes, you're not Esther.

[41:51] Who are you?

[41:52] But he doesn't get to answer that question because he's stabbed in the back using that same citrusy knife.

[41:56] And you know it must hurt extra bad because it's got lime juice on it when he gets stabbed with it.

[42:00] Yeah, that's probably what he's – that's probably the first thing on this message.

[42:02] Oh, Bernie, Bernie.

[42:03] And that's when the mom walks in and she doesn't say, Esther, what are you doing?

[42:08] No, she shoots the detective dead with her gun because, you know what?

[42:12] She goes, this is all I do.

[42:13] Clean up after the kids.

[42:14] And it's from this point on that Julia Stiles goes from the – if you don't know – if you didn't see a twist coming,

[42:20] it goes from being the victim mom, the milquetoast victim mom to being the gothic sassy mom who always has a quip.

Dan McCoy

[42:27] Right.

[42:28] And I also like – I mean look, you can disagree with me on this, but I think that this is part of the rich person thing too.

[42:34] It's like she turns into like I am the bad bitch like boss mom who's like wealthy and used to like having to take care of this shit.

Elliott Kalan

[42:49] Just like Lena's pretending to be Esther, Julia Stiles has been pretending to be the suburban upper class mom who doesn't have secrets.

Dan McCoy

[42:58] I really like her performance when she pulls this switch.

[43:03] Oh, sure.

Stuart Wellington

[43:03] She makes – we can agree that she makes a meal of the role.

Elliott Kalan

[43:06] Yes, very much so.

[43:08] You can tell this is a swim fan we're dealing with.

[43:10] This isn't her first crazy rodeo.

[43:12] Well, but it's also –

Stuart Wellington

[43:12] That's Erica Christensen, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[43:14] Piece of shit.

[43:15] It is.

[43:15] Well, okay, you can tell that there are ten things she hates about you.

[43:19] Okay.

[43:20] I'll allow it.

[43:20] This is like – I mean –

Hallie Haglund

[43:22] She knows how to step up.

Elliott Kalan

[43:25] Yep.

[43:26] Like early in the film though –

[43:27] This is Rachel at the wedding we're seeing here.

[43:30] I know.

[43:32] Yeah, what is –

[43:33] Rachel getting married?

[43:34] Rachel getting married and Margo at the wedding.

[43:35] She's not in that either.

[43:36] Oh, that's right.

Dan McCoy

[43:37] It's neither of those things.

[43:38] Rachel and Margo went to different weddings.

[43:40] Yeah.

[43:40] When I –

[43:41] When this twist happened, I just said –

[43:43] When Rachel was getting married –

Elliott Kalan

[43:44] Yeah, thank you.

[43:46] Oh.

[43:46] When Rachel got married, she was at the wedding though.

[43:48] So let's say – let's give you that at least.

[43:49] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[43:50] No, I just wanted to say though because it was funny to me.

[43:53] We were watching it and Audrey's like,

[43:56] did Julia Stiles get like worse at acting

[43:58] or are they not giving her much of a character?

[44:01] And then it – like she's so good at playing the part

[44:04] once the pretense falls away

[44:06] and it's clear that the problem is just –

[44:08] Yeah, like she has to play this like line, you know, before –

Elliott Kalan

[44:12] She's deliberately playing an uninteresting character

[44:15] up to that point for the contrast.

[44:17] But it also shows –

[44:18] So from this point in the movie,

[44:21] I was on board with this movie

[44:22] because I was like, oh, this is a bonkers movie.

[44:24] Okay.

[44:25] But it takes a fairly long time to get there.

Stuart Wellington

[44:28] Starring bonkers.

[44:29] Everyone's favorite cat made out of chewing gum.

[44:31] The movie that opens with explaining

[44:33] that this little girl is actually a 31-year-old con artist,

[44:37] that was like – Elliot's like, not crazy enough.

Elliott Kalan

[44:39] Well, no, only because I've seen –

[44:42] not that gimmick, but that I've seen movies

[44:45] about brilliant serial killers

[44:47] who escape and trick people and things like that.

[44:51] Like I've seen that movie a lot of times.

[44:52] Right.

[44:53] And so for it to just be –

[44:55] and I know the basic premise of the first orphan movie.

[44:57] And I'm so used to slasher movies

[44:59] where they're like, it's the same thing,

[45:01] but now it's at a different house.

[45:03] Yeah.

[45:04] That I was worried this was going to be another one of those.

[45:05] And so from this point on,

[45:06] it entered into more kind of like –

[45:09] just more fun territory.

[45:10] The movie stops –

[45:11] the movie stops taking itself as seriously as it was

[45:14] and starts being like, all right, guys, let's loosen up.

[45:17] Like let's get loose and let's get wild.

Dan McCoy

[45:19] I will say I don't –

[45:21] Until –

Elliott Kalan

[45:22] And by the end it's into –

[45:23] it's almost into universal monsters territory by the end of it.

Dan McCoy

[45:25] Anyway, you're saying.

[45:26] There's no –

[45:27] you know, for someone who is like me,

[45:29] who reads a lot about movies,

[45:30] like I can't avoid knowing when something is going to have a twist.

[45:35] So I walked into this movie knowing it's going to have a twist,

[45:38] which is always a problem

[45:39] because then you start anticipating what it is.

[45:42] Yeah.

[45:42] And pretty early on I'm like,

[45:44] okay, well, if I was doing this,

[45:46] where would I take this to make it, you know,

[45:49] like work as a sequel?

[45:51] Because you've already burned the thing.

[45:52] And I'm like, oh, I bet that what is going to happen is like

[45:55] one of these family members or more like knows what happened

[46:00] to the original Lester like so they know from the start

[46:04] that this person is not –

[46:06] That's a con.

[46:07] Yeah, it's a con, but they have to play along with it

[46:09] because they would be revealed, you know.

[46:12] And lo and behold, that's what happened.

Elliott Kalan

[46:15] Speaking of here's the twist.

[46:17] Let's reveal it, everybody.

[46:18] And so I didn't know there was a twist in this going in.

[46:19] So I was like, oh, okay, I thought this was going to be more

[46:22] by the numbers than it was.

[46:23] So mom reveals, hey, a while back Gunner was playing rough

[46:27] with Esther and accidentally killed her.

[46:29] And they don't go into further detail,

[46:32] but we can assume the worst, I guess.

[46:34] So we faked her disappearance.

[46:35] We threw her body down a well.

[46:37] And dad doesn't know the truth.

[46:39] So you – but you're making dad happy,

[46:42] and I'm finally getting some.

[46:43] So he's been too sad to get it up,

[46:45] and now I am not going back to that.

[46:47] He's wearing his silly boxers again,

[46:49] and that means he is horny.

[46:50] So you've got to pretend to be Esther a little bit longer,

[46:54] and we can help you out.

[46:55] You can live this I'm-going-to-like-it-here rich life

[46:58] and not go back to an Estonian mental institution.

[47:00] And they clean up after – she cleans up after Lena.

[47:02] They throw the detective's body down the same well

[47:04] that Esther's body is in.

[47:06] And mom talks to Gunner, and he is like,

[47:09] I don't like this situation.

[47:10] And she's like, you are going to do this.

[47:12] Maybe you shouldn't have killed your sister

[47:13] if you didn't want to have to deal with it.

[47:15] And Lena becomes better friends with the rat

[47:18] that lives in her van.

Stuart Wellington

[47:19] There's a moment where they're talking,

[47:21] and Gunner's like, this is insane, even for us.

[47:25] And I'm like, I just want to say that

[47:28] about me and my friends sometimes.

[47:29] Also, I feel like that –

[47:30] Like every time we're like, hey, do you want to go see a movie?

[47:32] Like, man, that sounds crazy, even for us.

Dan McCoy

[47:36] But also, I like that that implies that maybe

[47:39] it wasn't just the one murder.

[47:42] Like, this family has always been –

[47:44] like these two, the mom and son.

[47:46] I mean, maybe.

Elliott Kalan

[47:46] But I mean, like, accidentally killing your sister

[47:49] or deliberately, who knows,

[47:50] and then your mom helping you cover it up

[47:52] and never telling your dad.

[47:53] That's a pretty –

[47:54] that's already a pretty high ball.

Dan McCoy

[47:55] I know that for realsies,

Elliott Kalan

[47:58] they're not saying that other things happen.

[48:00] I've seen a lot of plays

[48:02] where families get together for the holidays

[48:03] and a secret comes out.

[48:05] And the secret is usually like an affair

[48:06] or that someone's gay.

[48:08] It's usually not we killed a sibling

[48:09] and we covered it up.

[48:10] Unless it's a buried child, I guess.

[48:13] Buried child.

[48:13] You know, yeah.

Hallie Haglund

[48:14] But I do feel like the only truly loathsome character

[48:19] in this is Gunner.

[48:20] Oh, yeah.

[48:21] Gunner's set up to be –

[48:22] Because you understand the mom.

[48:24] Like, you understand her plight.

[48:26] She didn't want to lose both of her kids.

[48:27] One of them was already dead.

Elliott Kalan

[48:28] I mean, but Gunner's such a dick.

[48:30] Losing him is not in a real loss.

Stuart Wellington

[48:32] But the thing about Gunner is that

[48:33] at no point does he get a win.

[48:36] Like, he's –

[48:37] Like, he occasionally –

[48:38] He wins in that fencing competition.

[48:39] He's a fencing star in the beginning.

[48:40] Yeah, kind of.

[48:41] I mean, I don't know.

[48:43] Like, I feel like he gets so –

[48:45] Like, he doesn't really get one up on Esther

[48:47] other than, like, being slightly shittier to her.

[48:51] And he gets, like, slapped, kicked in the balls,

[48:54] sprayed mace in the face, all kinds of shit.

Elliott Kalan

[48:56] Yeah.

[48:57] Well, it's also –

[48:57] This is –

[48:58] What they're doing here is it's like –

[49:00] The one thing I didn't –

[49:01] That was bugging me a little bit by the end of this

[49:03] was that there's no –

[49:04] And this is fine in some movies.

[49:06] But there's no hero in the movie.

[49:08] And they have to turn Lena into the protagonist of the movie.

[49:12] And to do that,

[49:13] it means you need a hierarchy of assholes, basically.

[49:15] Where Julia Stiles has to be now a threat to Esther.

[49:18] And then Gunner has to be so incredibly unlikable

[49:20] that we are rooting for Lena,

[49:22] a murderer who we saw kill plenty of innocent people,

[49:25] to go after him.

Hallie Haglund

[49:26] I think that's what makes it interesting.

Elliott Kalan

[49:28] It does.

[49:28] But it's –

[49:29] I mean, it would if –

[49:30] It's just another thing that, like, I've seen.

[49:31] But it's the same thing they did with Hannibal Lecter

[49:33] where they're like,

[49:33] This guy is a monster.

[49:35] But you know what?

[49:36] Now that we're making a sequel,

[49:37] he's the hero.

[49:37] So we've got to come up with a worse guy.

[49:39] You know, now the wolf man is chasing after Satan.

[49:42] Yeah, I mean, I don't –

Dan McCoy

[49:43] I don't –

[49:44] I mean, I see what you're saying.

[49:45] I don't necessarily look at it that way

[49:46] of, like, we're turning her into, like, the hero.

[49:49] I just – I like a movie occasionally

[49:51] where I'm not expected to sympathize with anyone.

[49:55] And it's, like, what you call is, like –

[49:57] what I might call, like, a sharks movie

[49:59] where, like, there's just, like, a bunch of sharks,

[50:01] like, fighting it out with one another.

[50:04] Oh, no, I like that.

[50:05] And, like, who's the smartest shark?

Elliott Kalan

[50:06] I like that, too.

[50:07] I feel like the –

[50:08] I think that's when the movie is working at its best.

[50:09] It's like that.

[50:10] But there were times where I feel like

[50:11] you were supposed to be –

[50:12] it was very clear that you were on –

[50:14] you're supposed to be on Lena's side.

[50:16] You know?

[50:17] It was –

[50:18] I don't think there was ever a point

[50:19] where it was like,

[50:20] uh-oh, let's see what happens.

[50:21] It's not –

[50:22] I'm trying to think of movies like that

[50:24] where it's, like,

[50:25] bad people getting their comeuppance

[50:26] when it's –

[50:27] it's not the lady killers,

[50:28] something like that.

[50:28] Although, even then, the old lady,

[50:30] you know, you're on her side.

[50:31] But –

[50:31] Yeah.

[50:31] So, anyway.

[50:34] They –

[50:35] where was I?

[50:35] Let me get back to my notes.

[50:36] Okay.

[50:36] So, Gunner –

[50:39] this –

[50:39] in the most setup-y setup shot

[50:42] I've ever seen in a movie,

[50:43] Gunner is randomly teaching his dad

[50:45] how to use a crossbow.

[50:46] And we just see it for, like,

[50:48] 35 seconds,

[50:49] and it's like,

[50:50] come on, movie.

[50:50] Can you –

[50:51] you had –

[50:52] now you know a crossbow

[50:53] is going to be used later.

[50:54] A longbow is a much more effective

[50:56] weapon.

[50:57] Well, but also, like,

Dan McCoy

[50:58] there is no situation

Elliott Kalan

[51:00] in which a guy would be showing his dad

[51:03] in Daring, Connecticut

[51:03] how to use a crossbow

[51:05] unless that crossbow

[51:06] was going to be used

[51:06] to kill somebody later on in the movie.

[51:07] It was just so –

[51:08] at that point,

[51:09] you might –

[51:10] you should have just had it

[51:10] that the dad collects medieval weapons

[51:12] or something like that.

Stuart Wellington

[51:13] No, I think Jane has a pretty good point.

[51:14] Like, with –

[51:14] if it was a longbow,

[51:15] like, longbows got greater range

[51:17] and in the arms of a trained

[51:18] English longbowman,

[51:20] I mean,

[51:21] the punching power,

[51:21] like, it can go right through a tree.

[51:23] No, no, that's true.

Elliott Kalan

[51:24] And you just have to look at –

[51:24] what, the Battle of Cresci, right?

[51:27] Yes, exactly.

[51:27] And Agincourt.

[51:28] Exactly, thank you.

[51:28] To show you how powerful a longbow is.

[51:30] I mean, again,

[51:31] when you –

[51:32] the crossbow's actually used,

[51:33] it's a very short distance

[51:34] in the film.

[51:34] A longbow at that point

[51:35] would be unwieldy in that space.

[51:38] But, you know –

Stuart Wellington

[51:38] I mean, a crossbow,

[51:39] traditionally,

[51:39] they protect themselves

[51:40] with a pavise as well.

[51:42] Not necessarily in this movie

[51:43] because she's not going up

[51:44] against another ranged infantry.

[51:46] Now, here's the other thing,

[51:47] though.

Elliott Kalan

[51:47] A longbow also,

[51:48] you'd have to get a pretty good arc

[51:49] on that arrow, right?

[51:51] Is my assumption.

[51:52] You wouldn't use it

[51:52] just for a straight shot,

[51:53] would you?

[51:54] What's that cider called?

[51:55] What's that cider?

[51:56] Strongbow.

[51:57] Oh, strongbow, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[51:58] That was funny

[51:58] because I could see,

[51:59] as soon as we started

[52:00] talking about longbows,

[52:01] I could see Hallie's attention

[52:03] go elsewhere.

[52:04] I was like,

[52:06] oh, Hallie's thinking

[52:07] about something else.

[52:07] I wonder what it is.

Elliott Kalan

[52:08] It reminds me of,

[52:09] I think,

[52:10] my favorite thing

[52:10] that Hallie ever said to me

[52:11] when we used to work together

[52:13] at the Daily Show

[52:14] where you were like,

[52:15] how many times

[52:16] am I going to have to listen

[52:17] to you guys talk

[52:17] about fucking Star Wars?

[52:19] And it was clear

[52:21] it was the least interesting

[52:22] thing you could imagine

[52:23] talking about.

[52:23] Yes.

[52:24] It was amazing.

[52:25] And it was so many more times

[52:26] that you had to listen to it.

[52:27] Yeah.

Hallie Haglund

[52:27] I was also thinking about,

[52:30] we need to talk about Kevin.

[52:32] Speaking of.

[52:32] Oh, yeah.

[52:33] Now that's a longbow, right?

Elliott Kalan

[52:35] Yeah, yeah.

[52:36] Yeah, Hunter's bow.

[52:36] That did damage, I'd say.

[52:38] And it's back in the news

[52:40] as the star of the movie

[52:42] becomes more and more

[52:43] like the main character

[52:44] from the movie.

[52:44] Wait, really?

[52:45] Not the star.

[52:46] I would argue that

[52:47] Tilda is the star.

[52:48] Okay, Tilda's the protagonist.

[52:50] As the second lead of the movie

[52:51] becomes more and more

[52:52] like the antagonist

[52:53] in the film.

[52:54] Did he kill somebody?

[52:55] I mean, he's attacking people

[52:56] all the time

[52:57] and yeah, yeah.

[52:57] He's in tons of legal trouble

[52:58] and yeah.

[52:59] Oh, I understand.

[52:59] It actually seems like

[53:01] he's having a serious

[53:01] mental health crisis.

[53:04] Much in the same way

[53:05] that Kanye West

[53:06] stopped being someone

[53:06] that it felt good

[53:08] to make fun about

[53:08] because you were like,

[53:09] oh, he's having a real break.

[53:11] But anyway.

[53:11] I didn't know that was him

Dan McCoy

[53:13] and we needed to talk about Kevin.

Stuart Wellington

[53:14] Oh, yeah.

[53:15] This breakout role.

[53:16] He's the natural result

[53:18] of Tilda Swinton

[53:19] and John C. Reilly

[53:19] having a child.

Elliott Kalan

[53:22] It's just like

[53:22] the old Conan O'Brien

[53:23] if they mated routine.

[53:24] Yeah.

[53:25] They just took their pictures

[53:26] and swishing it

[53:27] and that's what

[53:27] obviously Zack Snyder

[53:30] was watching it

[53:31] and he said,

[53:31] that's my The Flash

[53:33] right there.

[53:34] And then the movie

[53:35] Ricky and The Flash

[53:36] came out

[53:36] and he auditioned

[53:37] to be The Flash in that

[53:38] and they said,

[53:38] no, you made a mistake.

[53:39] This is not about

[53:40] the DC character,

[53:40] The Flash.

[53:41] There's no actual

Dan McCoy

[53:41] The Flash.

[53:42] I mean, The Flash

[53:43] is kind of the band,

[53:44] I think, right?

[53:45] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[53:46] And he's like,

[53:46] well, can I advertise

[53:47] to be Ricky?

[53:48] Because I read a lot

[53:49] of Ricky Tiki Tavi

[53:50] before this.

[53:50] No, it's not actually

[53:51] a movie about a mongoose.

[53:52] Meryl Streep's

[53:53] going to play the part.

Stuart Wellington

[53:53] Can I be the lead

[53:54] in Ricky Don't Lose That Number?

[53:56] It's like,

[53:56] that's a song.

Elliott Kalan

[53:57] That's a song.

[53:58] It's not a movie.

[53:59] Now, we do sometimes

[54:00] make movies based on songs

[54:01] but not that one.

[54:02] Although,

[54:02] they could easily

[54:03] make a movie based on that

[54:04] where Ricky

[54:04] keeps losing that number

[54:06] and he has to keep

[54:06] getting it back.

Hallie Haglund

[54:07] Can I be the host

[54:08] of the Ricky Lake show?

Elliott Kalan

[54:09] No, again,

[54:10] that's a person,

[54:11] Ricky Lake.

[54:12] Oh, I thought it was a lake

[54:12] that I would jump in

[54:13] and I'd tell people

[54:14] about the lake

[54:14] and why it's so beautiful

[54:15] to have a houseboat there.

[54:17] No, it's not a real lake.

[54:18] Oh, she's not a real person?

[54:19] No, she is a real person,

[54:20] Ricky Lake.

[54:21] She was in Serial Mom.

[54:22] Anyway, so,

[54:24] you can't get more real

[54:26] than that.

[54:27] Was she in Serial Mom?

[54:28] Anyway, yeah.

[54:28] Her primary role,

[54:30] like the role she's

[54:31] best known for,

[54:32] of course,

[54:33] is Serial Mom.

[54:33] Oh, sorry,

[54:34] the role she's better known for,

[54:35] Mrs. Winterborn.

[54:36] Anyway, so,

[54:37] so,

[54:39] well,

[54:39] the mom,

[54:39] well,

[54:40] Hairspray.

[54:41] Hairspray.

[54:41] The lead of Hairspray.

[54:43] I was joking.

[54:44] Okay.

[54:45] Again, I guess,

[54:46] for me,

[54:47] Hairspray is a divine movie,

[54:48] but, you know,

[54:48] anyway.

[54:49] Gunner teaches dad

[54:50] to use a crossbow

[54:50] while mom is coaching Lena

[54:52] for her next therapy session

[54:53] and the next therapy session,

[54:54] it's an all-family session

[54:55] and Lena, quote,

[54:56] reminisces, unquote,

[54:58] about a vacation they took

[54:59] where her dad fell off a horse

Stuart Wellington

[55:00] and he had shit in his hair

[55:02] or something.

[55:03] I love this scene

[55:04] where she is, like,

[55:05] so excited

[55:06] to tell this fucking story

[55:09] back up.

[55:10] Back up, lady.

[55:11] This is too much.

[55:11] You're getting way too into this shit.

[55:13] Talking about how he fell off

[55:14] stretch the horse.

[55:16] It's hilarious.

[55:18] Now, also,

[55:19] this,

Dan McCoy

[55:19] this,

[55:20] Esther is supposed to be,

[55:21] what, 10?

[55:22] Like, that's what,

[55:23] yeah,

[55:23] that's what,

[55:24] like,

[55:25] she is so self-possessed

[55:26] in the way she talks,

[55:28] like,

[55:28] that's,

[55:28] that,

[55:29] even more than the way

[55:30] she looks,

[55:31] it just is not.

Hallie Haglund

[55:32] how long was she supposed to

[55:33] have been gone?

[55:34] Like, four years,

Dan McCoy

[55:34] I think, right?

[55:35] Yeah.

[55:36] Three or four years.

[55:37] If you,

[55:37] if you,

Dan McCoy

[55:37] if you,

Hallie Haglund

[55:37] if you,

[55:38] if you,

[55:38] asked a 10-year-old

[55:39] to remember all this stuff

[55:41] that happened

[55:41] when they were six,

[55:42] I don't think that they would

[55:43] actually be able to recall.

[55:44] I asked my,

[55:45] my kid,

[55:46] who's three,

[55:46] what happened,

[55:47] like,

[55:47] last month

[55:48] and he has no memory of it.

Elliott Kalan

[55:49] Yeah,

[55:49] why,

[55:50] and I asked my kids

[55:50] what happened at school today.

[55:52] Yeah.

[55:52] Yeah,

[55:52] so,

[55:53] kids,

[55:54] Dan,

[55:54] you understand.

[55:55] That's just beginning

[55:55] to shut you out.

[55:56] Beginning?

[55:57] Oh,

[55:57] the process is well underway,

[55:59] yeah.

[56:00] Unless I have something

[56:00] they want,

[56:01] like a hand

[56:02] that can throw a ball

[56:03] at them to hit

[56:03] with a bat.

[56:06] Anyway,

[56:07] or,

[56:08] or,

[56:08] you're one of the top

[56:10] owners of hands

[56:11] in this household,

[56:11] father.

[56:12] And then the other,

[56:13] the other kid comes in

[56:14] and goes,

[56:14] you have eyes,

[56:15] don't you?

[56:15] What do you say

[56:16] to reading me

[56:16] four Ivy and Bean

[56:17] books in a row?

[56:19] They're really good books,

[56:20] though.

[56:20] Anyway,

[56:21] so they have a party

[56:22] where the mom coaches

[56:24] Lena how to be at the party

[56:25] and she plays piano

[56:26] for everybody.

[56:27] Gunnar confronts Lena

[56:28] and threatens her.

[56:29] He's like,

[56:29] I own you.

[56:30] And that night,

[56:31] the dad is like,

[56:32] I'm going to my gallery tomorrow.

[56:33] He talks like this.

[56:34] He's always talking.

[56:35] I love it.

[56:35] It's great.

[56:36] I'm just,

[56:37] I'm a painter.

[56:38] I'm so sensitive.

[56:38] Anyway,

[56:39] the same way that I feel like

[56:40] almost every male actor

[56:41] talks now in movies,

[56:43] it's,

[56:43] I call it the Tom Hardy,

[56:44] where it's a lot of like,

[56:45] oh,

[56:45] okay,

[56:46] I'm going to go over here.

[56:46] Like we're all trying to be

[56:47] Marlon Brando,

[56:48] I guess.

[56:48] Anyway,

[56:48] so the,

[56:50] he,

[56:50] and Lena's like,

[56:51] I'd like to go.

[56:52] And mom says,

[56:52] no,

[56:53] you cannot go to the gallery

[56:54] with dad.

[56:55] Knowing that Lena

[56:57] on her own with dad

[56:58] is just a thousand traps

[56:59] that Lena might fall into.

[57:00] Also,

[57:01] I want to talk about like,

Hallie Haglund

[57:02] he'll probably really fall

[57:03] in love with his daughter

[57:04] if she spends one day

[57:05] with him in the city.

[57:06] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[57:06] There are more and more

[57:08] instances

[57:09] as the film goes along,

[57:11] but I just want to say

[57:12] that Gunnar

[57:13] and Julia Stiles'

[57:15] character

[57:15] are both

[57:16] really cavalier

[57:18] about being mean

[57:20] to this criminally insane

[57:21] Estonian murderer.

[57:22] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[57:23] Well,

[57:24] it's one of the,

[57:24] it's something that happens

[57:25] in movies a lot

[57:26] and I guess also

[57:27] in the Trump administration

[57:28] where you're like,

[57:29] I have something

[57:30] on this person.

[57:31] That means I own them

[57:32] and they forget

[57:32] that this other person

[57:33] is a maniac

[57:34] and doesn't really care

[57:36] and is not,

[57:37] you know,

[57:37] and always has an escape plan

[57:38] which is I can murder you,

[57:40] I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[57:40] It does feel a little bit

[57:41] like we've like fallen

[57:42] into a Roald Dahl story.

Elliott Kalan

[57:45] I can see that.

[57:46] Oh,

[57:47] have you guys ever had

[57:47] Roald Dahl,

[57:48] they roll it up around cheese?

[57:49] It's so,

[57:50] it's just delicious.

[57:51] Yeah.

[57:52] But you're right,

[57:53] I feel like,

[57:54] what was it?

[57:54] I was watching something recently

[57:55] where it was a similar thing

[57:56] where it was like,

[57:57] I'm going to tell everybody

[57:58] about your criminal past

[57:59] and how you murdered people

[58:00] unless you pay me $20,000

[58:01] and he's like,

[58:02] all right,

[58:03] come over to my house

[58:03] and I'll pay you

[58:04] and then kills them

[58:05] oh right,

[58:06] he's a murderer,

[58:06] I forget.

Stuart Wellington

[58:07] Do you think Roald Dahl

[58:09] had to come up

[58:10] with a pen name real quick

[58:11] and he saw somebody rolling

[58:13] like somebody's doll

[58:14] down a hill

[58:15] and he's like,

[58:15] Roald Dahl.

Hallie Haglund

[58:17] No,

[58:18] he was like at a,

[58:19] he was at his kitchen table

[58:22] and he was like,

[58:22] uh,

[58:22] roll,

[58:23] uh,

[58:24] uh,

[58:25] doll.

Dan McCoy

[58:27] And the police officer's like,

[58:30] oh,

[58:30] well,

[58:30] I guess checks out

[58:31] you're an author,

[58:32] you're a famous author.

[58:33] The police officer goes,

Elliott Kalan

[58:34] checks out

[58:34] and then writes that name

[58:35] in under

[58:36] a lamb to the slaughter,

[58:37] bye,

[58:38] and then submits it

[58:38] to the New Yorker.

[58:43] So,

[58:43] uh,

[58:44] so the,

[58:44] uh,

[58:44] mom,

[58:45] she thinks she's being sneaky.

[58:46] She drugs Lena's dinner

[58:47] and then feeds her

[58:48] a totally different food

[58:49] than everybody else is getting.

[58:51] And,

Elliott Kalan

[58:51] uh,

[58:51] but Lena doesn't want to eat it.

[58:52] She feeds it to her friend,

[58:53] the vent rat

[58:54] and,

[58:54] uh,

[58:55] dad goes,

[58:55] hey,

[58:55] why don't you come paint with me?

[58:56] And they bond

[58:57] as mom watches ominously.

[58:58] And when dad comes in,

[59:00] mom comes in

[59:00] and insults Lena

[59:01] and I,

[59:02] I had to remind myself,

[59:03] oh yeah,

[59:03] she's talking to a 30 year old woman

[59:04] because she's like,

[59:05] you think he'd be interested in you?

[59:06] You will never have him.

[59:08] Now I'm going to go

[59:08] fuck my husband.

[59:10] And I was like,

[59:10] yeah,

[59:11] I was like,

[59:11] oh,

[59:12] right,

[59:12] right.

[59:12] Cause she's talking to a grownup.

[59:13] I can't,

[59:13] I forgot.

[59:14] Yeah.

[59:15] Yeah.

[59:15] And,

[59:16] uh,

[59:16] you'll never be in a relationship with him.

[59:18] And Lena comes back up

[59:19] and finds her pet rat dead.

[59:20] She does call her like,

Stuart Wellington

[59:21] she does call her a mutant freak

[59:22] a couple of times.

[59:23] Yeah.

[59:24] They get very mean.

[59:25] Deformed.

[59:25] Well,

[59:26] she specifically calls her a mutant grifter.

[59:28] And I'm like,

[59:29] I don't think grifter was a mutant,

[59:30] right?

[59:30] He was a super soldier

[59:31] who took a different thing.

Elliott Kalan

[59:33] Well,

[59:33] he was,

[59:34] he was a combination of human DNA

[59:36] and,

[59:36] and alien DNA,

[59:37] right?

[59:38] As all the wild cats were.

[59:39] Now,

[59:40] Hallie,

[59:40] are you thinking about cider again now?

[59:42] Or?

Hallie Haglund

[59:43] I was thinking about,

[59:45] there was like a mini series

[59:46] many years ago called Grifters.

[59:48] Do you remember that?

Elliott Kalan

[59:49] Well,

[59:49] what was that?

[59:50] What was the TV show

[59:51] with,

[59:51] uh,

[59:51] with Eddie Izzard and Minnie Driver

[59:52] where they were grifters?

[59:53] Was that?

Hallie Haglund

[59:54] Doing Time on Maplewood Drive.

[59:55] No,

Elliott Kalan

[59:56] Doing Time on Maplewood Drive.

[59:56] No,

[59:57] Travelers.

[59:57] Is the movie where Jim Carrey

[59:59] is in a family with substance abuse.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:00] I think it's Travelers.

[1:00:02] Travelers?

[1:00:03] No,

[1:00:03] Travelers is an insurance company.

[1:00:05] No,

[1:00:05] cause,

[1:00:06] well,

[1:00:06] I mean,

[1:00:07] Travelers is like,

[1:00:08] Travelers is like,

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:09] what you do when you go on a trip.

[1:00:12] No,

[1:00:12] Blue's Traveler was a band

[1:00:13] that was inexplicably popular.

[1:00:15] I feel like it was the riches

[1:00:15] for Romani people.

[1:00:17] No,

[1:00:17] blue is the color.

[1:00:19] I feel like it was the riches.

[1:00:20] I'm gonna look this shit up.

[1:00:21] The riches,

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:22] that's what it was.

[1:00:22] Yeah,

[1:00:22] they were a Romani family,

[1:00:24] but it was called the riches.

[1:00:25] That's right.

[1:00:25] Boom,

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:25] boom,

[1:00:25] boom.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:26] So anyway.

[1:00:28] Wasn't there a movie called?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:30] Probably.

[1:00:30] There was a movie called The Grifters

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:32] from years ago.

[1:00:34] Uh-huh.

[1:00:34] Anyway.

[1:00:35] And,

[1:00:36] and Eddie and the Cruisers.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:38] There's also,

[1:00:39] and there was also La Bamba,

[1:00:42] right?

[1:00:43] I loved that movie.

[1:00:44] The commitments.

[1:00:45] Yeah,

[1:00:46] the commitments,

[1:00:47] the five heartbreaks,

[1:00:48] right?

[1:00:49] Or five heartbeats.

[1:00:49] You guys,

Hallie Haglund

[1:00:50] is Lou Diamond Phillips canceled?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:52] I don't know.

[1:00:52] What did he do?

Hallie Haglund

[1:00:53] I think,

[1:00:54] I don't know.

[1:00:54] For some reason,

[1:00:55] I was thinking about him fondly recently,

[1:00:57] and then it popped into my head,

[1:00:59] like,

[1:00:59] wait,

[1:00:59] is he canceled?

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:00] Well,

[1:01:00] I think,

[1:01:00] you know what?

[1:01:01] It turned out he was actually Lou Blood Diamond Phillips,

[1:01:03] and that's inexcusable.

[1:01:05] His middle name was not ethically sourced?

[1:01:07] No,

[1:01:07] he was actually Conflict Diamond all this time.

[1:01:10] So anyway,

[1:01:12] they,

[1:01:12] the next,

[1:01:12] so Lena finds her rat dead,

[1:01:14] and she gets her revenge the next day.

[1:01:16] She goes,

[1:01:17] I made a smoothie for you,

[1:01:18] mom,

[1:01:18] and it's got a dead rat in it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:19] I do love how many times,

[1:01:22] like,

[1:01:22] she refused the smoothie before forcing,

[1:01:25] being forced to drink it.

[1:01:26] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:27] That's,

[1:01:27] that kind of stuff I love.

[1:01:28] When,

[1:01:28] when a,

[1:01:29] a,

[1:01:30] an ordinary thing is freighted with,

[1:01:32] with cat and mouse gaming.

[1:01:33] This is,

[1:01:33] this is,

[1:01:34] I think,

[1:01:34] maybe my favorite section of the movie,

[1:01:35] because it's,

[1:01:36] the movie is just like,

[1:01:37] you know what you want to see.

[1:01:38] It's the two of them trying to kill each other,

[1:01:40] and kind of getting pranks on each other.

[1:01:42] Yeah.

[1:01:42] Anyway,

[1:01:43] then,

[1:01:44] but then it gets sloppy.

[1:01:45] They're at a train station,

[1:01:46] seeing the dad off to go to New York,

[1:01:48] and,

[1:01:48] mom and Gunnar are talking,

[1:01:50] and the dad goes,

[1:01:51] hey,

[1:01:51] go over to your,

[1:01:52] your mom and your brother.

[1:01:53] I'm going to go get some coffees.

[1:01:54] And,

[1:01:55] Lena is about to push the mom in front of a train,

[1:01:57] but bumps into a bystander,

[1:01:59] who just kind of collides with her,

[1:02:00] and,

[1:02:01] and who intervenes.

[1:02:02] And the way she's going to push the mom,

[1:02:03] and I assume Gunnar,

[1:02:04] is just really clumsy and sloppy.

[1:02:06] Like,

[1:02:06] there's no,

[1:02:06] nothing slick about it.

[1:02:08] This isn't even,

[1:02:09] what,

[1:02:09] the first appearance of Venom,

[1:02:10] where he's just a hand in a crowd,

[1:02:12] that pushes Peter Parker onto subway tracks.

[1:02:14] And Peter Parker's like,

[1:02:15] why didn't my spider sense go off?

[1:02:16] And he didn't find out for a little bit later.

[1:02:18] It's because that guy's a symbiote,

[1:02:19] that used to live on Peter Parker's pants.

[1:02:21] Anyway,

[1:02:22] or on his body.

[1:02:23] Hallie's got cider eyes.

[1:02:25] Yeah.

[1:02:26] She's got,

[1:02:27] so it's like,

[1:02:27] that's the sequel to Betty Davis.

[1:02:29] Yeah.

[1:02:31] She's got Betty's,

[1:02:32] she's got Hallie's cider eyes.

[1:02:34] They,

[1:02:36] so,

[1:02:38] mom is like,

[1:02:39] that's it,

[1:02:40] you're dead.

[1:02:40] And Lena escapes from them.

[1:02:42] She gets into their car and drives away.

[1:02:44] And here we have another great moment.

[1:02:45] Lena's driving in some snowy woods.

[1:02:47] It looks like they shot,

[1:02:48] it looks like Estonia and Darien Kinetic look almost identical.

[1:02:51] And she turns on the radio,

[1:02:53] and Maniac on the floor is playing.

[1:02:56] She puts on sunglasses.

[1:02:57] She starts smoking.

[1:02:59] Does she put on lipstick too?

[1:03:00] Yeah.

[1:03:01] It's awesome.

[1:03:02] And,

[1:03:02] and this is the one time in the whole movie where she looked like a kid to me,

[1:03:06] was when she is trying her best to look like a cool grum.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:09] Do you think they had to make a giant size car for her to drive?

Hallie Haglund

[1:03:13] Yeah.

[1:03:14] Because remember,

[1:03:14] she was like all,

[1:03:15] I think she's just scrunched down.

[1:03:17] She's just scrunched.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:20] It's,

[1:03:20] I love the idea.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:23] They're like,

[1:03:23] all the money in the budget went to making this giant car a cab that she could sit in.

[1:03:28] And the police pull her over and bring her back home.

[1:03:30] I would be surprised if they like,

Dan McCoy

[1:03:31] cut,

[1:03:31] cut out part of the seat or something though,

[1:03:33] like that.

[1:03:34] They must have done something.

[1:03:35] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:35] I think she was just leaning way down low.

[1:03:37] I mean,

[1:03:37] her name's Lena.

[1:03:39] But,

[1:03:40] so,

[1:03:40] so they,

[1:03:42] she gets brought back home and Gunnar and her mom are like,

[1:03:45] okay,

[1:03:45] we're just going to fake your suicide.

[1:03:46] We're going to slash your wrist,

[1:03:47] but she gets free.

[1:03:49] I,

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:49] I fucking love this part.

[1:03:51] Cause they get home.

[1:03:51] Tell me about it,

[1:03:52] Stu.

[1:03:52] Well,

[1:03:52] I love that they like,

[1:03:53] they come home and they're like,

[1:03:55] okay,

[1:03:56] fuck this.

[1:03:56] Let's just kill her.

[1:03:57] And Gunnar's like,

[1:03:59] finally.

[1:04:00] And they go up,

[1:04:00] they go up to the bedroom where Lena's at.

[1:04:03] And Lena turns around and sees them waiting to kill her.

[1:04:05] And she's like,

[1:04:06] oh fuck.

[1:04:08] Like it is the moment where I'm like,

[1:04:10] oh yeah,

[1:04:11] they're,

[1:04:11] they're trying to kill each other.

[1:04:13] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:13] Yeah.

[1:04:14] Uh,

[1:04:14] the gloves are off.

[1:04:15] Uh,

[1:04:15] the,

[1:04:15] the choker remains on,

[1:04:17] but,

[1:04:17] uh,

[1:04:17] she runs away and,

[1:04:18] and the mom is like,

[1:04:19] Gunnar,

[1:04:20] finish this.

[1:04:21] Uh,

[1:04:21] and he takes out his fencing saber.

[1:04:23] He does,

[1:04:23] he almost puts his fencing mask on and then decides that's dumb and throws it down in a moment that is totally unnecessary,

[1:04:29] but I thought really good for that character.

[1:04:31] Just like him being,

[1:04:33] putting the fencing mask on and looking himself in a shiny piece of art and being like,

[1:04:36] oh no,

[1:04:36] no,

[1:04:36] that's stupid.

[1:04:37] And taking it off.

[1:04:38] Uh,

[1:04:38] he doesn't get the chance to stab her with his saber though,

[1:04:41] because she's waiting for him with the crossbow and shoots him to death with that.

[1:04:45] And then stabs him to death with the saber.

[1:04:47] And it's,

[1:04:47] it just like,

[1:04:49] anyway,

[1:04:49] that's it for the crossbow.

[1:04:50] That's a wrap for the crossbow,

[1:04:51] everybody.

[1:04:52] Uh,

[1:04:52] I,

Dan McCoy

[1:04:53] I,

[1:04:53] I enjoy what I think Stu seems to enjoy about this is how inauspicious Gunnar's demise is because he is the worst of,

[1:05:01] of them.

[1:05:02] So it's just like,

[1:05:03] well,

[1:05:03] you don't even get like much of anything.

[1:05:05] You just get shot.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:07] You get a distance,

[1:05:08] a distance attack.

[1:05:09] He gets treated like trash.

[1:05:10] And meanwhile,

[1:05:11] Julia Stadles gets a call from her husband.

[1:05:13] Who's like,

[1:05:14] Hey,

[1:05:14] I got a call from the cops.

[1:05:15] Uh,

[1:05:15] about Esther.

[1:05:17] Oh,

[1:05:17] it's no big deal.

[1:05:17] I got taken care of.

[1:05:18] He's like,

[1:05:19] I'm going to come home anyway.

[1:05:20] She's like,

[1:05:20] not a big deal.

[1:05:21] It's really good.

[1:05:22] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:23] Um,

[1:05:23] and so,

[1:05:24] uh,

[1:05:24] the,

[1:05:24] there's a couple of moments during this whole sequence where Esther like falls down somewhere or disappears on a corner and is suddenly seems to be gone.

[1:05:31] But this is where we get the,

[1:05:32] the,

[1:05:33] what the movie is promising from the moment of the twist,

[1:05:35] which is hand to hand combat between Lena and Julia Stiles.

[1:05:39] And then they're just smashing things over each other's heads.

[1:05:42] They're in this,

[1:05:43] you know,

[1:05:43] in this Nancy Myers esque kitchen.

[1:05:45] Just like breaking everything until the kitchen catches on fire.

[1:05:49] Uh,

[1:05:49] they end up on the roof of the house.

[1:05:51] The house burst into flame so fast.

[1:05:54] The roof.

[1:05:54] This house.

[1:05:54] The roof.

[1:05:55] Yep.

[1:05:56] The roof is on fire.

[1:05:57] The house is made out of oily rags somehow because it's,

[1:06:00] it goes up so fast.

[1:06:01] And this is,

[1:06:01] well,

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:01] he's the dad's a painter,

[1:06:03] you know?

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:03] Oh,

[1:06:03] that's true.

[1:06:04] It is,

[1:06:04] it is full of turpentine rags.

[1:06:06] Yeah.

[1:06:06] And so the,

[1:06:07] the,

[1:06:08] this is where the movie I feel like enters,

[1:06:10] yeah,

[1:06:10] universal monsters territory.

[1:06:11] Cause they're literally fighting on the roof of a burning mansion.

[1:06:14] This,

[1:06:14] uh,

[1:06:15] uh,

[1:06:15] the dad shows,

[1:06:16] uh,

[1:06:17] they end up both hanging off the gutters on the roof,

[1:06:19] which is silly.

[1:06:21] Oh,

Hallie Haglund

[1:06:21] you forgot one part,

[1:06:22] which was when they were chasing each other,

[1:06:24] her teeth got knocked out.

[1:06:25] Oh,

[1:06:25] right,

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:26] right.

[1:06:26] Her fake teeth.

[1:06:26] She has fake teeth,

[1:06:27] fake kid teeth that she wears.

[1:06:29] Um,

[1:06:30] only part of them got knocked out because,

[1:06:31] uh,

[1:06:32] the dad shows up,

[1:06:33] he arrives,

[1:06:33] uh,

[1:06:34] they're both hanging from the roof.

[1:06:35] Who's dad going to save?

[1:06:36] And Julie Stiles is yelling,

[1:06:37] she's an adult.

[1:06:38] She's not,

[1:06:38] she's not Esther's weird.

[1:06:39] She's an adult.

[1:06:40] Yeah.

[1:06:41] And,

[1:06:41] uh,

[1:06:42] but,

[1:06:42] but I,

[1:06:43] in,

[1:06:43] in a,

[1:06:43] in a kind of confusingly edited sequence,

[1:06:46] it seems like the dad either doesn't make a decision in time or moves

[1:06:49] towards Esther.

[1:06:50] And Julie Stiles just lets go and falls to the ground

[1:06:52] and head bursts on the,

[1:06:53] on the ground.

[1:06:54] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:55] I mean,

[1:06:55] like it's,

[1:06:56] he decides to save Esther first,

[1:07:00] I guess,

[1:07:00] but it's not like he's making a choice.

[1:07:02] Like,

[1:07:02] I mean,

[1:07:03] I'm like,

[1:07:04] I'm like,

[1:07:04] yeah,

[1:07:05] well,

[1:07:05] but I just feel like this,

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:06] I agree with him.

[1:07:07] The sign of art,

[1:07:08] yeah,

[1:07:08] is that we can interpret it.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:09] I agree with Elliot that I think that this should be much more clear that,

[1:07:12] like,

[1:07:13] he has to make a choice between them and makes the wrong one.

[1:07:18] Yes.

[1:07:18] Whereas this seemed a little muddy to me.

[1:07:20] The way,

[1:07:21] the way you might,

[1:07:22] the way you could have done this.

[1:07:22] What do you think,

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:23] Stuart?

[1:07:24] Oh,

[1:07:24] yeah.

[1:07:24] I mean,

[1:07:24] I think he made the right choice because Julia Stiles,

[1:07:26] uh,

[1:07:27] hid the murder of his daughter.

[1:07:29] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:30] He needed to get out of that relationship,

[1:07:31] but.

[1:07:32] Yeah.

[1:07:33] Uh,

[1:07:33] maybe don't save Esther either though.

[1:07:34] I mean,

[1:07:35] it's a little weird.

[1:07:35] Did you say Sylvester?

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:37] Yeah.

[1:07:37] I said Sylvester.

[1:07:39] Yeah,

[1:07:39] you have to save Sylvester from Cracked Magazine.

[1:07:41] From Tweety,

[1:07:42] who is bedeviling him all the time.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:44] If you're going to save Sylvester from anybody,

[1:07:46] it's that baby kangaroo that keeps kicking him in the face.

[1:07:49] That's true.

[1:07:49] My father,

[1:07:50] afraid of a mouse.

[1:07:51] That's not a mouse.

[1:07:53] No,

[1:07:53] I know.

[1:07:54] You think it's a huge mouse.

[1:07:55] Much as Esther is actually a small adult,

[1:07:57] that mouse is actually,

[1:07:59] that mouse,

[1:07:59] what you think is a big mouse is actually a small kangaroo.

[1:08:03] It was,

[1:08:04] it was,

[1:08:04] they should have,

[1:08:05] if Looney Tunes was still around,

[1:08:06] oh damn it,

[1:08:07] they should have done one called Orphan First Kick,

[1:08:08] where the kangaroo deliberately sneaks into the house,

[1:08:11] pretending to be a mouse,

[1:08:12] and has to take Sylvester out when Sylvester burns its secret.

[1:08:15] Oh,

[1:08:16] Looney Tunes.

[1:08:17] If only HBO Max wasn't cutting back on animation.

[1:08:19] Yeah.

[1:08:20] Uh,

[1:08:20] anyway,

[1:08:21] so,

[1:08:21] uh,

[1:08:21] dad,

[1:08:22] uh,

[1:08:22] helps her up,

[1:08:23] and that's when he sees her fake kid dentures coming out,

[1:08:27] and he's like,

[1:08:27] what the,

[1:08:28] what the hell is this?

[1:08:30] she's like,

[1:08:31] it's okay,

[1:08:31] I love you,

[1:08:32] we can be together,

[1:08:32] and he goes,

[1:08:33] you're a monster,

[1:08:33] and then he just falls to his death too,

[1:08:35] and,

[1:08:36] uh,

[1:08:36] and,

[1:08:37] uh,

[1:08:37] then the Jimmy Durante song starts playing as Lena,

[1:08:39] very casually,

[1:08:41] slowly,

[1:08:41] goes to her burning room,

[1:08:42] gets a clean choker,

[1:08:44] gets her old book,

[1:08:45] packs her bag.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:46] not,

[1:08:47] not asphyxiating from smoke,

[1:08:48] smoke.

[1:08:49] Not at all,

[1:08:50] not even sweating,

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:51] even though she's surrounded by flame.

[1:08:53] That's one of the advantages of being,

[1:08:53] that's one of the advantages of being very short,

[1:08:55] is that all the smoke is on the ceiling.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:58] Yeah.

[1:08:58] Well,

[1:08:58] and also,

[1:08:59] and also that it's clearly CGI flame,

[1:09:01] so don't worry,

[1:09:01] she was,

[1:09:01] she was never really in danger.

[1:09:02] Uh,

[1:09:03] and,

[1:09:03] uh,

[1:09:04] there's fire trucks.

[1:09:05] When she walks out,

[1:09:06] there's fire trucks outside,

[1:09:07] but the fire trucks are not doing anything,

[1:09:08] and there's no firefighters around,

[1:09:10] which I thought was a very funny choice,

[1:09:12] that they're like,

[1:09:12] we better show there's fire trucks there,

[1:09:14] but,

[1:09:14] we don't want to have people playing firefighters,

[1:09:17] and we don't want to actually,

Hallie Haglund

[1:09:18] blew the budget building that huge car,

[1:09:20] they're like,

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:22] look,

[1:09:23] you can have two firefighters,

[1:09:24] or you can have a giant car,

[1:09:26] that she looks like a little kid in.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:28] I can only assume that this,

[1:09:29] get the people who made that chair for Lily Tomlin.

[1:09:32] Sorry,

[1:09:33] sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:34] I'm assuming this movie is,

[1:09:35] wait,

[1:09:35] hold on,

[1:09:36] but he retired,

[1:09:38] he lives at a cabin in the woods,

[1:09:39] and they go to this cabin,

[1:09:40] and he's chopping a huge log with a huge axe,

[1:09:43] and they drive up,

[1:09:45] and he goes,

[1:09:45] how'd you find me?

[1:09:47] I stopped making giant,

[1:09:48] I stopped making giant stuff a long time ago.

[1:09:52] We're calling you back in out of retirement.

[1:09:54] It's a job only you can do.

[1:09:56] Anyway,

[1:09:57] Stuart,

[1:09:57] I'm sorry,

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:57] I,

[1:09:58] No,

[1:09:58] no,

[1:09:58] I just,

[1:09:59] I'm assuming this movie is made during the pandemic,

[1:10:01] and it did have probably a pretty modest budget,

[1:10:05] and,

[1:10:06] like,

[1:10:07] this is the kind of house that they would have at least one housekeeper,

[1:10:10] so I'm assuming they're just like,

[1:10:12] as few extras as possible.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:14] Oh,

[1:10:14] yes,

[1:10:14] very much.

[1:10:15] I mean,

[1:10:15] that's,

[1:10:15] and that's,

[1:10:16] that's the,

[1:10:16] when you're making a movie that's set almost entirely in one house,

[1:10:19] that's one of the,

[1:10:20] one of the good things about it,

[1:10:21] is you lower the cast quite a bit.

[1:10:22] You're right,

[1:10:22] a house like that would at least have,

[1:10:24] like,

[1:10:24] groundskeeper or something like that.

[1:10:26] It's a huge house.

[1:10:27] Anyway,

[1:10:28] epilogue,

[1:10:30] Lena is still pretending to be Esther.

[1:10:31] It's,

[1:10:32] it's,

[1:10:32] I have to assume,

[1:10:33] deliberately reminiscent of the end of Psycho,

[1:10:35] and,

[1:10:36] the therapist is like,

[1:10:38] I'm sure we can find a family to adopt her,

[1:10:41] setting the stage for Orphan,

[1:10:44] the previous movie.

[1:10:45] The first movie,

[1:10:45] well,

[1:10:46] also,

Dan McCoy

[1:10:46] if you like,

[1:10:47] the funny thing is,

[1:10:47] if you look at the trivia for Orphan First Kill,

[1:10:52] like,

[1:10:52] there's,

[1:10:52] there's something that says something that like,

[1:10:55] this movie was like,

[1:10:56] one of the biggest goals of this movie was to close the plot hole of the first orphan,

[1:11:01] where it's like,

[1:11:03] how did this,

[1:11:04] you know,

[1:11:05] foreign woman,

[1:11:08] you know,

[1:11:08] without papers or whatever,

[1:11:09] like,

[1:11:10] how was she up for adoption in an adoption agency?

[1:11:14] In the United States.

[1:11:15] In the US.

[1:11:16] Like,

[1:11:16] what was that?

[1:11:16] And I'm like,

[1:11:18] well,

[1:11:18] I don't know that it was made to close that plot hole.

[1:11:21] That's,

[1:11:22] I,

[1:11:22] I guess they made it a priority.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:24] I have to assume that either the star of the movie,

[1:11:27] the director,

[1:11:27] tossing and turning every night saying,

[1:11:29] I can't,

[1:11:30] I can't live my life.

[1:11:31] and,

[1:11:32] and,

[1:11:32] and their wife was like trying to get intimate and they're like,

[1:11:35] honey,

[1:11:35] what's wrong?

[1:11:37] You wore your cute boxers.

[1:11:38] You wore your cute boxers.

[1:11:39] I'm sorry.

[1:11:40] I'm just thinking about that plot hole.

[1:11:42] I can't,

[1:11:42] I'm going to go sleep in the,

[1:11:43] in the garage.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:45] Well,

[1:11:45] yeah.

[1:11:45] When Julia Stiles is doing the press tour for the movie,

[1:11:47] she's like,

[1:11:48] yeah,

[1:11:48] I felt really passionate about this project because it gives us an opportunity to close an up existing plot hole.

[1:11:53] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:54] She goes,

[1:11:55] she goes,

[1:11:55] now a lot of people who've paid attention to my career know that I'm all about closure.

[1:12:00] Closure for movies that I'm not in.

[1:12:02] That's why I made the movie O to finally close the loop that Othello left open.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:07] Some would say that there's not actually much closure for my character in the,

[1:12:11] in the Bourne movies.

[1:12:12] I always seemed like I would be more important than I ultimately was,

[1:12:15] but.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:16] Mm-hmm.

[1:12:18] Mm-hmm.

[1:12:19] Well,

[1:12:19] that's probably enough about Orphan.

[1:12:20] We've talked for almost the length of the movie.

[1:12:22] Yeah.

[1:12:22] So guys,

[1:12:23] let's go to our final judgments.

[1:12:25] Is this spookily better than you expected?

[1:12:28] Uh-huh.

[1:12:28] Is it creepily boring?

[1:12:30] Or is it,

[1:12:31] chain rattle,

[1:12:33] chain rattle,

[1:12:33] chain rattle bad?

Dan McCoy

[1:12:34] I can tell you what our trademark

[1:12:36] Shocktimber,

[1:12:37] uh,

[1:12:38] categories are.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:39] I'm so glad you trademarked them,

[1:12:41] Dan,

[1:12:41] because we've had so many lawsuits that we've had to settle with the paperwork.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:44] Was this movie totally

[1:12:45] scarifying?

[1:12:47] Was it totally

[1:12:48] snorifying?

[1:12:48] Or was it frighteningly funny?

[1:12:53] Yeah?

[1:12:54] Those are it.

[1:12:54] Yeah,

[1:12:55] yeah,

[1:12:55] those are it.

[1:12:55] Yeah.

[1:12:56] You were real,

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:56] you were real confident at the beginning telling me you knew what they were.

[1:12:59] And then by the end,

[1:12:59] you had lost that.

[1:13:00] Those are it.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:00] I was just trying,

[1:13:01] then I was like,

[1:13:02] in my head,

[1:13:02] I'm like,

[1:13:03] wait,

[1:13:04] but what do those correspond?

[1:13:08] Uh,

[1:13:08] and I think scarifying is the good one.

[1:13:10] Snorifying is the bad one.

[1:13:11] Frightening funny is good,

[1:13:12] bad.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:13] No,

[1:13:13] no,

[1:13:13] I think snorifying is the good one.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:16] And,

[1:13:16] uh,

[1:13:17] I would like to say,

[1:13:18] in answer to your question,

[1:13:20] I like this movie.

[1:13:21] I like it a little,

[1:13:22] just slightly less than the original orphan,

[1:13:24] which I think looks better.

[1:13:27] And even though I like Julia Stiles a lot in this movie,

[1:13:30] like,

[1:13:30] I think like the,

[1:13:31] the cast as a whole is stronger in the first orphan,

[1:13:34] but this is fun.

[1:13:36] It's a very much,

[1:13:37] it's very much like a three act movie where it's like the first act is the

[1:13:40] movie you have basically seen before.

[1:13:43] The middle act is,

[1:13:45] is Julia Stiles and Esther sort of having their battle of will.

[1:13:51] And then the last is the actual big climactic stuff.

[1:13:55] And I kind of wish that the middle part of the movie was extended to

[1:14:01] shorten the other two parts.

[1:14:02] Cause that's the most fun part to me where it's like,

[1:14:04] what a,

[1:14:05] what a zany character relationship for these characters to have.

[1:14:10] And let's see them try and,

[1:14:12] you know,

[1:14:13] maneuver within this.

[1:14:15] But I,

[1:14:16] I,

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:16] I also,

[1:14:17] I also liked the movie more than thought it was.

[1:14:19] I didn't see the first orphan and,

[1:14:21] I,

[1:14:21] I find that,

[1:14:22] um,

[1:14:23] this is me being a snob,

[1:14:24] I guess,

[1:14:24] but like,

[1:14:26] I'm just having trouble with modern movies right now.

[1:14:27] Like it's hard for me to find modern movies that I'm like having fun with.

[1:14:30] I,

[1:14:31] I see a handful every year,

[1:14:32] but like,

[1:14:32] especially with horror movies,

[1:14:33] I'm feeling like Dan,

[1:14:34] when he talked about like,

[1:14:35] when you see a lot,

[1:14:36] you kind of know the twist coming up.

[1:14:38] Like,

[1:14:38] so I,

[1:14:40] so I didn't see the first one.

[1:14:40] So,

[1:14:41] but I enjoyed it and I agree.

[1:14:42] I kind of,

[1:14:42] I wish that that middle of act two twist was the end of act one twist,

[1:14:46] basically.

[1:14:47] On the other hand,

[1:14:49] that's a lot of cat and mouse that they'd have to figure out and they might run out of steam and you'd end up with like a 70 minute movie,

[1:14:54] which wouldn't be terrible,

[1:14:55] I guess.

[1:14:56] But,

[1:14:56] I actually,

[1:14:57] I ended up enjoying it.

[1:14:58] Once that twist hit and the movie kicked into gear,

[1:15:00] I was like,

[1:15:01] now I'm enjoying this movie.

[1:15:02] And I would say if you want to watch a real,

[1:15:05] real over the top,

[1:15:07] you know,

[1:15:07] horror movie,

[1:15:09] go for it.

[1:15:10] Orphan.

[1:15:10] First kill.

[1:15:11] Technically not the first kill.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:13] Yeah,

[1:15:13] I,

[1:15:14] as I said,

[1:15:15] I like this movie.

[1:15:16] I think it's good.

[1:15:17] I feel like if they'd extended it,

[1:15:18] like they could have had more scenes of things like introducing her to rich people and she's has to like,

[1:15:24] you know,

[1:15:24] navigate while Julia Stiles is also trying to mess with her.

[1:15:27] I do like,

[1:15:28] there's a party scene at one point where an old lady is like,

[1:15:31] now that you're not kidnapped anymore,

[1:15:33] do you have any plans?

[1:15:35] And I'm like,

[1:15:35] she's 11,

[1:15:36] dude.

[1:15:37] She doesn't have plans.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:39] Watch cartoons.

[1:15:42] The one thing they didn't do that they could have done with that is have her go to school.

[1:15:46] Yeah.

[1:15:46] That's the,

[1:15:46] that's the thing that,

[1:15:47] and I,

[1:15:47] there's part of me that's kind of like glad they didn't do that because she's going to go,

[1:15:51] someone's going to bully her.

[1:15:52] She's going to threaten the bully or whatever.

[1:15:54] Like there's not that,

[1:15:55] I don't know.

[1:15:55] And that happened in the first movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:57] It happened.

[1:15:57] There was a bully kid and she like pushed the kid and broke her leg.

[1:16:00] And Hallie,

[1:16:02] what did you think?

Hallie Haglund

[1:16:04] Yeah.

[1:16:04] I mean,

[1:16:04] I,

[1:16:05] I kept asking myself like,

[1:16:07] would this movie work if it weren't Julia Stiles in that role?

[1:16:12] And it were just someone that I didn't recognize.

[1:16:14] I feel like your goodwill toward Julia Stiles does so much work.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:20] I'll give you that.

Hallie Haglund

[1:16:21] But I liked it.

[1:16:23] Yeah,

[1:16:23] I liked it.

[1:16:25] What was I going to say?

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:27] I'm just looking,

[1:16:28] oh wait,

[1:16:28] guys.

[1:16:29] I mean,

[1:16:29] as a mom.

[1:16:30] Yeah,

[1:16:31] as a mom,

[1:16:31] how do you feel about it?

[1:16:32] Yeah,

[1:16:32] yeah.

Hallie Haglund

[1:16:33] As a mom,

[1:16:34] I,

[1:16:34] I would kill,

[1:16:38] I would hide the death of one child if my other child killed.

[1:16:40] To save the other child?

[1:16:41] Yeah.

[1:16:41] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:42] Uh,

[1:16:43] I,

[1:16:43] well,

[1:16:44] it's a choice you'll have to make when you get to it.

[1:16:46] Let's,

[1:16:46] I don't know how I crossed that bridge yet.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:47] We all face that choice.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:49] I only just found out.

[1:16:50] So the actor who plays the detective,

[1:16:51] Hiro Kanagawa,

[1:16:53] I didn't realize he also played a detective in Fifty Shades Freed,

[1:16:56] which we watched for the Flophouse.

[1:16:58] They're not,

[1:16:58] they don't just.

[1:16:59] I watched that,

[1:16:59] I think.

[1:17:00] Yeah,

[1:17:00] yeah,

[1:17:00] I think so.

[1:17:00] And I think we did a live show about it.

[1:17:02] Yeah.

[1:17:02] But I,

[1:17:03] I think,

[1:17:03] I mean,

[1:17:03] I'm not sure.

[1:17:04] But we,

[1:17:04] yeah,

[1:17:05] we didn't,

[1:17:05] we,

[1:17:06] we didn't,

[1:17:07] they don't have the same name,

[1:17:08] but now I wonder,

[1:17:09] is this a way we could tie them together and make the Fifty Shades and Orphan universes the same?

[1:17:13] And does that mean it's time for a,

[1:17:15] what's his name?

[1:17:17] Gray?

[1:17:17] Christian Gray,

[1:17:18] is that his name?

[1:17:19] Christian Gray and an orphan crossover?

Dan McCoy

[1:17:22] Yeah,

[1:17:23] they adopt Esther,

[1:17:25] I assume.

[1:17:25] Yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:26] yeah,

[1:17:26] they adopt Esther and she learns a little bit about them and they learn a little bit about her.

[1:17:31] Oh no,

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:32] that's another daddy for her to fall in love with.

Hallie Haglund

[1:17:34] No,

[1:17:34] yeah,

[1:17:35] I feel like he needs to unlock all of the like sexual prowess bubbling beneath the surface.

[1:17:41] She's never been able to express.

[1:17:43] Yeah,

[1:17:43] it's gonna.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:44] Okay,

[1:17:44] now I'm kind of,

[1:17:44] now I'm,

[1:17:45] now I'm the grossed out by a more.

[1:17:46] All right,

[1:17:47] nevermind.

[1:17:48] Move on.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:49] Elliot,

[1:17:49] why don't you give us an ad that you were going to read?

[1:17:54] You got it.

[1:17:55] I think it's for Squarespace.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:56] It is indeed for Squarespace.

[1:17:58] That's right,

[1:17:58] everybody.

[1:17:59] We're not just sponsored by icky feelings that we bring up and then we decide that it's better not to explore them.

[1:18:04] We're also sponsored by SquarePace,

[1:18:06] not SquarePace.

[1:18:07] I'm sorry.

[1:18:08] That's,

[1:18:08] that's the case.

[1:18:09] Yeah,

Dan McCoy

[1:18:09] now you know how it feels.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:11] Yeah.

[1:18:11] That's,

[1:18:12] if you take all the curves off of Leapace,

[1:18:14] you end up with SquarePace.

[1:18:15] I'm sorry.

[1:18:15] Now I'm Dan all of a sudden.

[1:18:17] Okay.

[1:18:18] We're also sponsored by Squarespace.

[1:18:19] You know Squarespace.

[1:18:20] You love it.

[1:18:20] Squarespace is the all-in-one platform for building your brand and growing your business online.

[1:18:24] Look,

[1:18:24] you can use it to make beautiful websites that really stand out.

[1:18:27] You can use it to engage with your audience on the internet,

[1:18:29] the place we're all going to live anywhere someday.

[1:18:32] And you can sell anything,

[1:18:33] your products,

[1:18:34] the content you create,

[1:18:35] even your time.

[1:18:37] Did you know you could sell your time?

[1:18:39] You only have a certain amount of it.

[1:18:40] But Squarespace will help you sell off that excess time you don't want anymore.

[1:18:44] Squarespace,

[1:18:45] it's very easy to use.

[1:18:46] Dan,

[1:18:46] I believe you have personal experience with making your own personal website on Squarespace.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:50] I did.

[1:18:51] I don't know if anyone ever looks at it,

[1:18:53] but it exists.

[1:18:53] If you want to look at it,

[1:18:54] look at it,

[1:18:55] people.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:56] What's the URL,

[1:18:57] Dan?

[1:18:57] That will make it easier for them to find.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:58] I think it's danmccoywriter.com.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:01] I've looked at it.

[1:19:02] It's a beautiful looking site.

[1:19:03] It made me want to make my own site on Squarespace,

[1:19:05] and I just haven't gotten to do it yet,

[1:19:06] but I really want to do it.

[1:19:08] I think that Dan has now colonized the digital village with his own little piece of himself

[1:19:12] that will live on forever,

[1:19:14] long after he's gone,

[1:19:15] until the link decays.

[1:19:17] Anyway,

[1:19:17] so you can use this to get business for yourself.

[1:19:21] You can use it to make your mark on the internet,

[1:19:22] to get your projects or products out there.

[1:19:25] You can create an online store.

[1:19:26] Whether it's physical or digital products,

[1:19:29] Squarespace has the tools you need to start selling online.

[1:19:31] You can create professional-level video effortlessly.

[1:19:35] With the Squarespace Video Studio app,

[1:19:37] you can make and share engaging videos.

[1:19:39] You can tell your story with it.

[1:19:40] You can grow your audience.

[1:19:41] You can reach out and connect,

[1:19:42] because that's what the internet is all about,

[1:19:44] connections.

[1:19:45] And Squarespace can help you.

[1:19:47] Virtual real estate,

[1:19:48] it just means being on the internet.

[1:19:50] And Squarespace can help you do that.

[1:19:52] So, okay,

[1:19:53] go over to Squarespace right now.

[1:19:54] Go to squarespace.com slash flop.

[1:19:56] You get a free trial of Squarespace to make your own website.

[1:19:59] You're going to need it.

[1:20:00] It's the future.

[1:20:01] Again,

[1:20:01] we're all going to live there.

[1:20:02] And when you're ready to launch,

[1:20:03] just use the offer code flop to save 10% off of your first purchase of a website or domain.

[1:20:08] Again,

[1:20:09] that's squarespace.com slash flop.

[1:20:12] Use it.

[1:20:12] You can get 10% off with the promo code flop.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:16] And if you're listening and you want to feel like you're sitting in a giant car rather than a regular sized car,

[1:20:24] then maybe microdosing is right for you.

[1:20:26] Our show today is sponsored by microdose gummies.

[1:20:30] Microdose gummies deliver perfect entry-level doses of THC that help you feel just the right amount of good.

[1:20:39] I can be a bit of a tempestuous person emotionally.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:47] And sometimes a microdose gummies helps chill me out.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:51] So,

[1:20:52] maybe that's one thing you could use it to do as well.

[1:20:57] Microdose is available nationwide.

[1:21:00] And to learn more about microdosing THC,

[1:21:02] go to microdose.com

[1:21:03] and use code flop to get free shipping

[1:21:07] and 30% off your first order.

[1:21:11] Links can be found in the show description.

[1:21:13] But again,

[1:21:13] that is microdose.com.

[1:21:16] Code flop.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:18] Uh-oh.

[1:21:19] And what's this?

[1:21:19] It looks like we have ourselves a J-J-J-Jumbotron.

[1:21:23] Okay.

[1:21:24] And it goes like this.

[1:21:27] Goblin is a unique D12 role-playing game

[1:21:30] about a race of goblins banished to a post-apocalyptic Earth.

[1:21:34] Since goblins eat trash and don't know what radiation is,

[1:21:37] they have a blast as they scrounge for loot,

[1:21:40] feud with mutants,

[1:21:41] and constantly find and prevent new ways of blowing themselves up.

[1:21:45] The book offers all you need to get started,

[1:21:48] littered with laughable lore and comical classes

[1:21:51] to bring out your inner goblin.

[1:21:54] You can find it at DriveThruRPG

[1:21:56] or just visit goblin.house.

[1:21:59] So check out Goblin, the Goblin RPG,

[1:22:01] by going to goblin.house.

Justin McElroy

[1:22:08] Hello, Dreamers.

[1:22:09] This is Evelyn Denton,

[1:22:11] CEO of the only world-class,

[1:22:13] fully immersive theme resort,

[1:22:14] Steeplechase.

[1:22:15] You know, I've been seeing more and more reports on the blogs

[1:22:17] that our beloved park simply isn't safe anymore.

[1:22:21] Murder them?

Dan McCoy

[1:22:22] I'm gonna wreck it.

Justin McElroy

[1:22:23] They say they got mugged by brigands in the fantasy kingdom of Ephemera

[1:22:26] or hijacked by space pirates in Infinitum.

[1:22:28] I mean, I could have a knife.

[1:22:30] My papa said that I needed to do a crime.

[1:22:33] Friends, I'm here to reassure you that it's all part of the show.

[1:22:37] These criminals were really just overzealous staff

[1:22:40] trying to make things a little more magical for our guests.

[1:22:43] We're just as safe as we've always been.

[1:22:46] This isn't a county fair, Dreamers.

[1:22:47] This is Steeplechase,

[1:22:50] The Adventure Zone.

S6

[1:22:51] Every Thursday at MaximumFun.org.

[1:22:53] Since the dawn of time,

[1:22:55] man has dreamed of bringing life back from the dead.

[1:22:58] From Orpheus and Eurydice to Frankenstein's monster,

[1:23:02] resurrection has long been merely the stuff of myth,

[1:23:05] fiction, and fairy tale.

[1:23:07] Until now.

[1:23:08] Actually, we still can't bring people back from the dead.

[1:23:11] That would be crazy,

[1:23:12] but the Dead Pilot Society podcast

[1:23:15] has found a way to resurrect great dead comedy pilots

[1:23:17] from Hollywood's finest writers.

[1:23:20] Every month,

[1:23:21] Dead Pilot Society brings you a reading of a comedy pilot

[1:23:23] that was sold and developed,

[1:23:25] but never produced,

[1:23:26] performed by the funniest actors from film and television.

[1:23:29] How does Dead Pilot Society achieve this miracle?

[1:23:32] The answer can only be found at MaximumFun.org.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:35] Let us now

[1:23:37] go to the letter segment.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:41] Come with me.

[1:23:42] To the letter segment.

[1:23:43] Hey, everybody.

[1:23:44] Here's where we talk about lettuce.

[1:23:46] Hallie, what's your favorite kind of lettuce?

Hallie Haglund

[1:23:48] Red Romaine.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:49] That's the lettuce segment.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:51] I can't say that I like arugula.

[1:23:54] It's just spicy.

[1:23:56] I like arugula as well.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:58] Anytime I get something with arugula on it,

[1:24:00] I go,

[1:24:01] oh, I didn't want this.

[1:24:02] Arugula.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:03] Well, I mean,

[1:24:04] are you thinking of like a pizza or something?

[1:24:06] I like arugula on a pizza.

[1:24:08] Or like a sandwich.

[1:24:08] I like a little bit, maybe.

[1:24:09] Oh, I love it on a sandwich.

[1:24:11] Oh, arugula.

[1:24:12] I guess I would have to say my favorite kind of lettuce

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:15] is probably Italian wedding soup.

[1:24:18] Interesting.

[1:24:19] It's a delicious soup.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:21] Let's move on to-

[1:24:22] What about watercress?

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:23] You know, that is the most nutrient-rich green.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:25] Yeah, watercress is good.

[1:24:26] Yeah, sure.

[1:24:27] I like that.

[1:24:28] I like a kind of a bitter green.

[1:24:31] Anyway, let's move on to letters

[1:24:34] now that we've talked about lettuce.

[1:24:38] This is from Lila.

[1:24:40] Who writes-

[1:24:41] Lila's lettuce letter.

[1:24:43] Who writes,

[1:24:44] Hey, peaches.

[1:24:46] Last night,

[1:24:46] I had a hankering

[1:24:47] for one of my favorite comfort movies,

[1:24:50] Big Eden,

[1:24:51] a sweet and tidy,

[1:24:52] inclusive,

[1:24:53] small-town rom-com

[1:24:54] that has served me well

[1:24:57] for over a decade.

[1:24:58] However,

[1:24:59] the second-to-last scene

[1:25:01] features a crime

[1:25:02] so heinous

[1:25:03] it almost ruins the movie

[1:25:04] for me every single time.

[1:25:06] Widow Thayer

[1:25:07] makes a batch

[1:25:08] of her famous

[1:25:08] cottage cheese

[1:25:09] and sour cream pancakes,

[1:25:12] and the main love interest,

[1:25:13] whom the viewer

[1:25:14] has also come to love dearly,

[1:25:16] takes a huge bite

[1:25:17] and then,

[1:25:18] mouth wide open,

[1:25:20] he belly laughs

[1:25:21] for an absurdly long time

[1:25:23] as a sadistic cameraman

[1:25:25] slow zooms in

[1:25:26] on his mouthful

[1:25:27] of horrible

[1:25:28] half-chewed

[1:25:29] hot soft cheese.

[1:25:32] It is an affront

[1:25:33] that language cannot convey.

[1:25:36] Do you have any movies

[1:25:37] that you love

[1:25:38] that are

[1:25:39] or are very nearly ruined

[1:25:41] by a single

[1:25:42] horrible choice?

[1:25:44] Love you guys,

[1:25:46] Leela.

[1:25:48] I don't know

[1:25:49] if you have any thoughts

[1:25:50] on this matter.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:52] It's tough for me to say,

[1:25:53] to talk about movies

[1:25:54] I love

[1:25:55] that I feel like

[1:25:56] have been ruined

[1:25:57] or almost ruined

[1:25:58] by something.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:58] Well, I remember

[1:25:59] there was a movie, Stuart,

[1:26:00] that you thought

[1:26:01] would have been made

[1:26:01] much better

[1:26:02] if they hadn't made

[1:26:03] the choice

[1:26:03] to not have the character

[1:26:04] rip his ding-dong off.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:06] Almost ruined.

[1:26:07] I mean, I know

[1:26:08] Dan's favorite movie,

[1:26:09] The Kingsman,

[1:26:09] is almost ruined

[1:26:10] by a very weird

[1:26:12] anal sex joke

[1:26:13] right at the end.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:14] I have to watch

[1:26:15] that movie

[1:26:16] to really confirm

[1:26:17] that that exists

[1:26:18] because my mom

[1:26:18] loves that movie

[1:26:19] and it's so hard

Dan McCoy

[1:26:20] for me to imagine.

[1:26:22] I mean,

[1:26:22] I'm not going to argue

[1:26:25] for that scene

[1:26:27] or against that scene.

[1:26:28] I just find

[1:26:28] that the movie

[1:26:30] is so wildly interested

[1:26:33] in, like, you know,

[1:26:35] sort of offending

[1:26:36] and, like,

[1:26:36] in, like,

[1:26:37] oh, cheeky, edgy way

[1:26:39] that, like,

[1:26:39] I understand why people

[1:26:41] knocked up against the scene,

[1:26:42] but I'm just like,

[1:26:43] I don't know,

[1:26:44] what were you expecting

[1:26:45] out of The Kingsman?

[1:26:46] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:26:47] It's based on a

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:48] Mark Miller comic,

[1:26:49] isn't it?

[1:26:49] Come on.

[1:26:49] Yeah.

[1:26:50] Oh, no.

[1:26:50] Or what about,

[1:26:52] oh, there's that movie

[1:26:53] Baby Driver

[1:26:54] that makes the mistake

[1:26:55] of casting Kevin Spacey

[1:26:56] in it.

[1:26:58] And Ansel Elgort.

[1:27:00] Oh, true.

[1:27:01] They didn't know

[1:27:01] that those were mistakes

[1:27:02] at the time,

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:03] but there's that.

[1:27:04] People have known

[1:27:05] about Kevin Spacey

[1:27:06] for a long time.

[1:27:07] Kevin, that's true.

[1:27:08] Kevin Spacey

[1:27:08] they knew about

[1:27:09] for a long time.

[1:27:09] That's fair.

[1:27:10] I mean,

[1:27:10] I didn't know about it,

[1:27:11] but I'm not,

[1:27:12] I don't travel

[1:27:13] in those circles.

[1:27:14] I think I might have

[1:27:15] talked about this

[1:27:16] before on the podcast.

[1:27:17] My favorite movie

[1:27:17] of all time,

[1:27:18] The Taken Pelham

[1:27:18] 1, 2, 3

[1:27:19] that I love so much,

[1:27:20] it has the scene

[1:27:21] where Walter Matthau

[1:27:22] is showing around

[1:27:23] the Japanese visitors.

[1:27:25] And it's like,

[1:27:26] and it's supposed

[1:27:26] to be a scene

[1:27:27] where he gets hit,

[1:27:28] he's being rude

[1:27:28] and he gets

[1:27:29] his comeuppance,

[1:27:30] but it comes off

[1:27:31] as a racist scene.

[1:27:32] It just comes off

[1:27:32] as the movie

[1:27:33] kind of like

[1:27:34] having you in

[1:27:35] on the joke

[1:27:35] that Walter Matthau

[1:27:36] is making.

[1:27:37] And that's,

[1:27:38] it's a very unpleasant

[1:27:39] moment

[1:27:40] and a very unpleasant scene.

[1:27:41] And it's one where,

[1:27:41] it's my favorite movie

[1:27:42] of all time,

[1:27:43] but every time

[1:27:43] that scene comes up

[1:27:44] I like cringe

[1:27:45] and then I wait

[1:27:46] for it to be over

[1:27:46] and then I'm like,

[1:27:47] okay,

[1:27:47] let's get back

[1:27:48] to the New Yorkers

[1:27:49] yelling at each other.

[1:27:50] You know?

[1:27:50] No, that reminds me.

[1:27:51] And I wish,

[1:27:51] and I wish they had not,

[1:27:52] and there's no,

[1:27:53] it's not like that's a,

[1:27:54] it's not a necessary scene.

[1:27:56] So it's,

[1:27:56] I wish they had not chosen

[1:27:57] to show Walter Matthau

[1:27:59] in that way.

[1:28:01] And the whole point

[1:28:01] is Walter Matthau

[1:28:02] is kind of a schlub

[1:28:03] and a loser,

[1:28:04] but I wish they had shown

[1:28:05] it in a different way.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:06] That reminds me

[1:28:06] that Audrey

[1:28:07] has a big poster

[1:28:08] of like a foreign poster

[1:28:10] for Breakfast at Tiffany's

[1:28:11] that she doesn't want

[1:28:11] to put up

[1:28:12] because like,

[1:28:13] you know,

[1:28:13] she's like,

[1:28:13] she's an Asian woman

[1:28:14] herself.

[1:28:15] Because it's just

[1:28:16] Mickey Rooney's character.

[1:28:17] Well, that's like,

[1:28:18] and she loves the movie

[1:28:19] except for the part

[1:28:20] that everyone hates,

[1:28:21] which is Mickey Rooney's

[1:28:22] terrible Asian caricature

[1:28:24] that is just like,

[1:28:25] why is this in this movie?

[1:28:27] Not only is it racist,

[1:28:28] it is a completely

[1:28:29] different tone

[1:28:30] from the rest of the film.

[1:28:31] And the poster

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:32] is him captured perfectly

[1:28:33] by the brush

[1:28:34] of Drew Sturzan.

[1:28:35] Well, she just doesn't

Dan McCoy

[1:28:36] want to like,

[1:28:36] I don't know.

[1:28:38] It's one of these

[1:28:39] Drew Sturzan

Hallie Haglund

[1:28:39] represent Tiffany's.

[1:28:41] Why did she get

[1:28:42] the poster?

Dan McCoy

[1:28:43] I mean,

[1:28:43] she just loves the movie

[1:28:45] like other than that,

[1:28:46] but like she has that

[1:28:47] and she has a poster

[1:28:48] for Annie Hall

[1:28:49] and she like sometimes

[1:28:50] looks sadly at them

[1:28:50] and like,

[1:28:51] can never hang these up.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:53] I think,

[1:28:54] I think when Woody Allen's

[1:28:55] not alive anymore,

[1:28:56] she'll be able to hang

[1:28:57] that Annie Hall poster up.

[1:28:58] Yeah.

[1:28:58] Wow.

[1:28:59] Okay.

Hallie Haglund

[1:29:00] I don't have anything.

[1:29:01] I don't,

[1:29:01] I can't,

[1:29:02] I can't,

[1:29:02] I mean,

[1:29:02] I was just starting

[1:29:03] to think of something

[1:29:04] that like,

[1:29:05] I feel like

[1:29:06] I don't understand,

[1:29:07] I feel like Andrew Garfield

[1:29:09] is so silly.

[1:29:11] So I was trying

[1:29:11] to think of a movie

[1:29:12] that Andrew Garfield

[1:29:14] is in that would have

[1:29:15] been way better

[1:29:16] had he not been cast in it,

[1:29:17] but I avoid

[1:29:19] Andrew Garfield stuff

[1:29:20] because he's so silly.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:21] I like Andrew Garfield.

[1:29:23] What do you think

[1:29:23] is so silly about him?

[1:29:24] His hair?

Hallie Haglund

[1:29:25] He's tall.

[1:29:26] No,

[1:29:26] he's just like,

[1:29:27] did you watch the,

[1:29:28] I know it's not a movie,

[1:29:29] but did you watch the

[1:29:30] Under the Banner of Heaven?

[1:29:32] No,

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:32] my wife watched it,

[1:29:33] but I haven't watched it.

Hallie Haglund

[1:29:33] He was so silly.

[1:29:35] He was just like

[1:29:36] over the top

[1:29:39] and just like,

[1:29:40] I was watching it

[1:29:41] and I was like,

[1:29:41] I can't believe

[1:29:42] this is a famous actor.

[1:29:44] This is bizarre.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:47] Yeah.

[1:29:48] Wow.

[1:29:48] I've liked him in a lot of,

[1:29:50] I remember seeing,

[1:29:50] I first saw him

[1:29:51] in the Imaginarium

[1:29:52] of Dr. Parnassus

[1:29:53] I like this guy

[1:29:54] and I haven't quite liked him

[1:29:56] as much since then,

[1:29:57] but I still like him.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:58] This is funny to me

[1:29:59] that like,

[1:29:59] this is such a specific

[1:30:00] vendetta that Hallie has

[1:30:02] and,

[1:30:02] but it's like very Hallie

[1:30:04] because you're like,

[1:30:05] he's just too silly.

[1:30:07] The whole time

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:08] you're watching Hacksaw Ridge,

[1:30:09] you're like,

[1:30:09] come on goofball.

[1:30:10] I know,

Hallie Haglund

[1:30:11] that's the thing.

[1:30:12] He like,

[1:30:12] he's so over the top

[1:30:13] about moments

[1:30:14] that are supposed to,

[1:30:15] like there's no subtlety.

[1:30:16] It's just like,

Dan McCoy

[1:30:17] cast him as Spider-Man?

[1:30:20] You're making this

[1:30:21] Spider-Man silly.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:23] That is the thing that,

[1:30:24] that is the winning thing

[1:30:25] about No Way Home

[1:30:26] is that he is so silly

[1:30:27] as Spider-Man.

[1:30:28] I'll give you that.

[1:30:30] But even,

[1:30:31] I guess you should see

[1:30:32] Tick, Tick, Boom

[1:30:32] and see if you think

[1:30:33] that silliness works

[1:30:34] for that very kind of like

[1:30:36] melodramatic character.

Hallie Haglund

[1:30:38] But I hate the idea

[1:30:39] of that movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:40] Okay,

[1:30:40] then you probably

[1:30:41] shouldn't see it.

[1:30:42] He's very good

[1:30:42] in a bad movie.

[1:30:45] Yeah.

[1:30:45] I don't even think

[1:30:46] it's that bad a movie.

[1:30:47] I think it's,

[1:30:47] but it's a movie

[1:30:48] that is like hanging out

[1:30:49] with a bunch of

[1:30:50] musical theater people

[1:30:51] you may not have

[1:30:52] any tolerance for it.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:54] Yeah,

[1:30:54] that depends.

[1:30:55] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:55] It is a movie

[1:30:56] that succeeds

[1:30:57] amazingly well

[1:30:57] at creating the experience

[1:30:59] of being around

[1:31:00] musical theater people.

[1:31:01] It's like that

Hallie Haglund

[1:31:02] Mike Birbiglia movie

[1:31:03] about improv.

[1:31:04] We turned it on,

Dan McCoy

[1:31:05] like Audrey suggested

[1:31:06] that we watch it

[1:31:07] and I was enjoying it

[1:31:09] okay.

[1:31:11] But she immediately

[1:31:13] was like,

[1:31:13] can we turn this off?

[1:31:14] Oh,

[1:31:15] this is because

[1:31:15] I was a theater kid

[1:31:17] and she has no patience

[1:31:20] for that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:20] There's that scene

[1:31:21] where it's like

[1:31:23] brunch at the diner

[1:31:24] and everyone in the diner

[1:31:25] is a famous

[1:31:25] musical theater person

[1:31:27] and it's one of those

[1:31:28] things where it's like,

[1:31:29] well,

[1:31:29] you could just lift

[1:31:30] this scene

[1:31:30] right out of the movie.

[1:31:31] There's no,

[1:31:32] it's just the Easter.

[1:31:34] It's the musical theater

[1:31:35] equivalent of Pip the troll

[1:31:38] and Star Fox

[1:31:38] showing up

[1:31:39] at the end of Eternals.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:40] Okay,

[1:31:41] we've got one more

[1:31:42] letter I wanted to get to.

[1:31:43] This is from Anthony,

[1:31:44] last name withheld,

[1:31:45] who writes,

[1:31:45] Dear Floppers,

[1:31:47] Dear Hallie,

[1:31:48] this is the only way

[1:31:48] I can talk to you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:50] We're in trouble.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:52] Our kids are killing

[1:31:53] our community.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:55] This isn't how

[1:31:56] I wanted to tell you,

[1:31:57] but one of our kids

Dan McCoy

[1:31:57] killed the other kid

[1:31:58] and I've been hiding it.

[1:31:59] No,

[1:31:59] no,

[1:31:59] Anthony writes,

[1:32:02] Dear Floppers,

[1:32:03] the three of you

[1:32:03] and Hallie

[1:32:04] are suddenly turtles

[1:32:06] who are blessed

[1:32:07] with gifts

[1:32:08] of ninjutsu.

[1:32:09] Okay,

[1:32:10] it's the original premise,

[1:32:11] but all right.

[1:32:12] Which one of you,

[1:32:13] quote,

[1:32:13] leads,

[1:32:14] who,

[1:32:15] quote,

[1:32:15] does machines,

[1:32:17] who is,

[1:32:18] quote,

[1:32:18] cool but rude,

[1:32:20] and which one of you

[1:32:21] is a,

[1:32:22] quote,

[1:32:22] party dude?

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:24] this is not a difficult question,

[1:32:25] but maybe you guys

[1:32:26] should go first

[1:32:27] before I slot us

[1:32:28] into those ones,

[1:32:29] but I feel like

[1:32:29] it's fairly clear to me.

[1:32:30] I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:32] Well,

[1:32:33] yeah,

[1:32:33] I mean,

[1:32:34] I have to

[1:32:35] get

[1:32:36] the Leonardo.

[1:32:38] Yeah,

[1:32:39] you're the leader.

[1:32:40] And Elliot gets

[1:32:42] Donatello

[1:32:43] by default?

[1:32:45] I do machines.

Hallie Haglund

[1:32:46] Yeah,

[1:32:46] I was trying to think,

[1:32:48] which one is me

[1:32:49] and which one is Stuart.

[1:32:49] I think Hallie is cool

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:51] but rude,

[1:32:51] and I think Stuart

[1:32:52] is the party dude.

[1:32:53] Okay.

[1:32:54] Yeah.

[1:32:55] Okay.

[1:32:56] So there you go.

[1:32:58] We knew Rachel.

[1:32:58] But the ironic thing is,

Dan McCoy

[1:32:59] in this version of it,

[1:33:00] Now you can run

[1:33:01] and do your fan art,

[1:33:02] people.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:02] But I'm probably

[1:33:03] the rudest member

[1:33:04] of the group

[1:33:05] just in terms of

[1:33:06] interrupting

[1:33:06] and talking over

[1:33:07] other people.

[1:33:07] Yeah.

[1:33:08] So it should be like

[1:33:08] a rude Donatello.

[1:33:09] The cool part.

[1:33:10] Which,

[1:33:11] don't look that up

[1:33:11] at our honor

[1:33:12] Urban Dictionary.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:13] Yeah.

[1:33:14] Rude Donatello.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:15] Yeah.

[1:33:15] I mean,

[1:33:16] I'm not going to say

[1:33:16] I'm cool.

[1:33:17] I'm totally not.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:19] That's the problem.

[1:33:20] You're just grumping

[1:33:21] about how you can't

[1:33:22] watch modern movies

[1:33:23] anymore.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:25] Too many of them

[1:33:25] about rich people.

[1:33:27] Yeah.

[1:33:28] Well,

[1:33:28] I think,

[1:33:29] you know what it really is?

[1:33:30] I shouldn't take the,

[1:33:31] I shouldn't put the blame

[1:33:31] on modern movies.

[1:33:32] I no longer have

[1:33:34] the time in my life

[1:33:35] to seek out things

[1:33:36] as much as I once did.

[1:33:37] And I'm not loving

[1:33:39] where mainstream

[1:33:40] filmmaking is at,

[1:33:41] which I don't think

[1:33:41] anyone is.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:43] Elliot's doing some

[1:33:44] low-key marketing

[1:33:45] for Triangle of Sadness

[1:33:47] right now.

[1:33:48] I don't even know

[1:33:49] what that is.

[1:33:50] It's a new movie

[1:33:50] by the guy who made

[1:33:51] Force Majeure.

[1:33:53] Oh,

[1:33:53] okay.

[1:33:55] It's basically,

[1:33:56] it's basically a send-up,

[1:33:58] it's got Woody Harrelson

[1:33:59] in it,

[1:34:00] send-up of rich people,

[1:34:01] yada yada.

[1:34:02] It's playing

[1:34:02] at the New York

[1:34:03] Film Festival,

[1:34:03] I think.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:04] See,

[1:34:04] I don't know any

[1:34:05] of these things anymore.

[1:34:05] I used to know

[1:34:06] that kind of stuff.

[1:34:07] So now the only movies

[1:34:08] I hear about are

[1:34:09] the old movies

[1:34:10] or foreign movies

[1:34:11] that the algorithms

[1:34:12] that know I like

[1:34:13] that stuff

[1:34:13] send to me

[1:34:14] or whatever movies

[1:34:15] are being advertised

[1:34:15] on buses,

[1:34:16] which is usually

[1:34:17] the biggest movie there.

[1:34:19] It's Uncharted

[1:34:19] or something like that.

[1:34:21] The bus is Uncharted?

[1:34:25] How do you know

[1:34:26] where it's going?

[1:34:27] No,

[1:34:27] no,

[1:34:27] it's not a chartered bus

[1:34:28] is what I'm saying.

[1:34:29] It's an unchartered bus.

[1:34:30] Yeah.

[1:34:31] Oh,

[1:34:31] okay.

[1:34:32] Hey,

[1:34:32] let's move on

[1:34:33] to the final segment.

[1:34:35] Now I'm mentioning

[1:34:35] a bus

[1:34:36] where on the front

[1:34:36] we'll see where it goes

[1:34:37] just says

[1:34:37] question mark,

[1:34:38] question mark,

[1:34:38] question mark.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:40] All right,

[1:34:41] I'll try my luck

[1:34:41] with this bus.

[1:34:42] Yeah,

[1:34:42] it's like hitting

[1:34:43] the I feel lucky

[1:34:44] button on Google.

[1:34:47] Let's move on

[1:34:48] to the final segment

[1:34:49] where we recommend

[1:34:50] things that

[1:34:51] you can watch

[1:34:52] in addition to this,

[1:34:54] say,

[1:34:54] if this movie

[1:34:56] struck your fancy.

[1:34:57] And the first orphan

[1:34:58] is off the table,

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:59] right?

[1:34:59] I can't recommend

[1:35:00] the first orphan movie to you.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:01] You can if you want to,

[1:35:02] buddy.

[1:35:02] You can do whatever you want.

[1:35:03] Hey,

[1:35:04] it's 2022.

[1:35:04] Oh yeah,

[1:35:05] it's my podcast.

[1:35:07] Let me quickly recommend

[1:35:09] because it's,

[1:35:10] my recommendation

[1:35:12] is a good bad thing.

[1:35:15] It's called

[1:35:16] Creating Rim Lazar.

[1:35:18] That's obviously,

[1:35:21] clearly Rim Lazar

[1:35:22] is spelled

[1:35:23] R-E-M-L-E-Z-A-R.

[1:35:27] how anyone

[1:35:28] can be confused

[1:35:28] because we all know,

[1:35:29] of course,

[1:35:30] famous character

[1:35:31] Rim Lazar

[1:35:31] who,

[1:35:33] this is a 48 minute

[1:35:34] movie

[1:35:35] from

[1:35:37] Keep talking.

[1:35:39] from 1989

[1:35:39] that is

[1:35:41] just like

[1:35:42] a nutty artifact.

[1:35:43] It feels

[1:35:44] at any moment

[1:35:45] like it could

[1:35:46] become a horror movie.

[1:35:47] It could be a PSA

[1:35:48] for something.

[1:35:50] It has these two kids

[1:35:51] who both

[1:35:53] have an imaginary friend

[1:35:55] named Rim Lazar

[1:35:56] and they realize like,

[1:35:58] oh,

[1:35:58] if we both have the same

[1:35:59] imaginary friend,

[1:35:59] that means that it must exist,

[1:36:01] right?

[1:36:01] And they

[1:36:01] build a mannequin

[1:36:04] and bring him to life,

[1:36:05] of course.

[1:36:06] And then there's a lot of songs

[1:36:07] about Rim Lazar

[1:36:08] who,

[1:36:09] like,

[1:36:09] not since

[1:36:09] Cats

[1:36:11] has there been

[1:36:11] such a thing

[1:36:13] we're gonna

[1:36:14] act like

[1:36:15] this word

[1:36:16] means something

[1:36:16] to you.

[1:36:17] Whereas,

[1:36:18] whereas,

[1:36:18] you know,

[1:36:18] in Cats

[1:36:19] is Jellicle,

[1:36:20] here it's just like,

[1:36:21] we're gonna sing

[1:36:22] about this character

[1:36:23] but never make it clear

[1:36:24] what this character's deal is.

[1:36:25] Like,

[1:36:25] when Audrey was watching

[1:36:26] with me,

[1:36:26] she was like,

[1:36:27] who's Rim Lazar?

[1:36:28] And I'm like,

[1:36:28] that guy,

[1:36:29] that guy's Rim Lazar.

[1:36:30] no,

[1:36:31] but what is he?

[1:36:31] Like,

[1:36:32] what's his deal?

[1:36:32] I'm like,

[1:36:33] he's just Rim Lazar,

[1:36:34] man.

[1:36:35] Like,

[1:36:35] that's all he is.

[1:36:37] And it's got all these

[1:36:38] great old 80s video effects

[1:36:40] and weird songs.

[1:36:42] And so,

[1:36:42] if you like something

[1:36:45] dumb to watch

[1:36:46] and you don't want

[1:36:48] to commit to a whole

[1:36:50] two-hour running time

[1:36:51] worth of dumb,

[1:36:52] then creating Rim Lazar

[1:36:54] is a good option.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:56] I'm gonna recommend

[1:36:57] two movies

[1:36:58] because I gotta recommend

[1:36:59] a horror movie.

[1:37:01] So,

[1:37:01] because it's Shocktober,

[1:37:03] I am recommending

[1:37:04] a movie called

[1:37:06] Glorious

[1:37:07] that is currently

[1:37:08] playing on Shudder.

[1:37:09] It's a shorty.

[1:37:10] I don't,

[1:37:10] I think it's like

[1:37:11] 80 minutes or something.

[1:37:13] Keep talking.

[1:37:14] It stars Ryan Quanton,

[1:37:15] you know,

[1:37:16] the brother from

[1:37:17] True Blood

[1:37:18] with the abs.

[1:37:20] And he is stuck

[1:37:22] in a rest stop

[1:37:24] bathroom

[1:37:24] and he is talking

[1:37:27] to a sentient

[1:37:28] evil glory hole

[1:37:30] voiced by J.K. Simmons.

[1:37:32] Makes sense.

[1:37:32] It's pretty wacky

[1:37:33] and pretty gross.

[1:37:35] It does have a

[1:37:36] twist at the end.

[1:37:37] I just gotta warn you,

[1:37:38] I guess,

[1:37:38] there's a twist at the end

[1:37:39] that I think

[1:37:40] makes the movie

[1:37:41] less good.

[1:37:42] So I guess

[1:37:43] this also fits.

[1:37:44] Yeah,

[1:37:45] question.

[1:37:46] It also fits

[1:37:46] the other thing.

[1:37:47] A themed recommendation.

[1:37:48] Yep.

[1:37:49] But the movie,

[1:37:50] my main recommendation,

[1:37:51] that's right,

[1:37:51] two recommendations

[1:37:52] with four people.

[1:37:53] What are we doing?

[1:37:55] I'm gonna recommend

[1:37:56] The Woman King.

[1:37:58] Woman King.

[1:37:59] Stuart has been

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:00] texting us about

[1:38:01] The Woman King

[1:38:01] ever since he saw it.

[1:38:02] And sometimes

[1:38:03] it's just a text

[1:38:04] that says

[1:38:04] Woman King.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:07] Yep.

[1:38:07] So this is a movie

[1:38:08] playing in theaters.

[1:38:09] It is a historical

[1:38:11] action epic drama

[1:38:13] directed by

[1:38:15] Gina Prince-Bythewood

[1:38:16] who directed

[1:38:17] The Old Guard

[1:38:19] from a year or two ago

[1:38:20] that was great.

[1:38:22] It is,

[1:38:24] in some ways

[1:38:25] it feels like

[1:38:25] a throwback

[1:38:26] to like the 90s era

[1:38:27] of historical action movies.

[1:38:29] Unfortunately,

[1:38:30] many of which

[1:38:30] starred Mel Gibson.

[1:38:32] But this one,

[1:38:33] this one is very much

[1:38:34] from like a female gaze.

[1:38:38] All the women

[1:38:39] of whom

[1:38:40] they are all awesome

[1:38:41] and badass

[1:38:41] are like never portrayed

[1:38:44] in a way that's like,

[1:38:45] I don't know,

[1:38:46] like they're never shot

[1:38:47] in a way that's

[1:38:47] intentionally sexy.

[1:38:49] The sexy people,

[1:38:50] of course,

[1:38:50] are John Boyega

[1:38:51] who is very pretty.

[1:38:54] And Viola Davis

[1:38:55] is fucking yoked.

[1:38:57] She looks amazing.

[1:38:59] what that means.

[1:38:59] It means that she is

[1:39:00] stacked.

[1:39:01] She's like,

[1:39:02] I don't know,

[1:39:03] super rich.

[1:39:04] Stacked between

[1:39:05] something different.

[1:39:06] She's muscly.

[1:39:07] She looks amazing.

[1:39:08] She's amazing.

[1:39:09] Muscly.

[1:39:10] And Lashana Lynch

[1:39:11] gives fucking amazing

[1:39:14] scene stealing,

[1:39:15] star making performance.

[1:39:16] She's great.

[1:39:17] She's been in a bunch of stuff

[1:39:18] and this is the first time

[1:39:19] where she really got to like

[1:39:20] shine.

[1:39:21] At least first thing

[1:39:22] that I've seen

[1:39:23] she's really gotten to shine.

[1:39:24] So Woman King,

[1:39:25] a lot of fun.

Hallie Haglund

[1:39:28] Nice.

[1:39:28] Wouldn't it be funny

[1:39:29] if I recommended

[1:39:30] the movie

[1:39:31] shine?

[1:39:36] I don't know why.

[1:39:38] That would be kind of funny

[1:39:39] I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:40] I mean,

[1:39:41] Jeffrey Rush is funny.

[1:39:43] Would you like to go next

[1:39:44] or should I go next,

[1:39:45] Allie?

Hallie Haglund

[1:39:47] I don't care.

[1:39:48] I'll go next.

[1:39:49] Having said that I was

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:52] having trouble with

[1:39:53] modern movies,

[1:39:53] finding them,

[1:39:54] I did recently see

[1:39:55] a modern movie

[1:39:55] that I liked a lot.

[1:39:56] I finally got to see

[1:39:57] Passing,

[1:39:59] the Rebecca Hall movie

[1:40:00] starring Tessa Thompson

[1:40:01] and Ruth Naga,

[1:40:03] I don't know exactly

[1:40:04] how her name is pronounced,

[1:40:05] that's set in the 1920s

[1:40:07] in Harlem

[1:40:08] and it's about

[1:40:08] a woman who finds

[1:40:10] that a woman

[1:40:11] that she grew up with

[1:40:12] is passing as white,

[1:40:13] has married a white husband

[1:40:14] and her family

[1:40:16] does not know about it

[1:40:16] and that her old friend

[1:40:19] starts kind of

[1:40:20] coming in and taking over,

[1:40:22] not taking over,

[1:40:22] but infiltrating more

[1:40:23] and more of her life

[1:40:24] as she finds the life

[1:40:25] that she missed.

[1:40:26] And I really liked it a lot.

[1:40:28] I think it looks beautiful

[1:40:29] and I like what it does

[1:40:31] with sound.

[1:40:32] It's a very quiet movie

[1:40:33] that doesn't feel the need

[1:40:34] to have a lot of sound

[1:40:35] or a lot of music on screen

[1:40:36] and I just thought

[1:40:38] it was really good.

[1:40:39] I enjoyed it a lot.

[1:40:40] That's Passing.

[1:40:41] It's a sad movie

[1:40:43] but a good movie.

[1:40:45] And you know what guys?

[1:40:46] Sometimes a sad movie

[1:40:47] can be good for you.

[1:40:48] Oh, okay.

[1:40:49] Allie?

Hallie Haglund

[1:40:51] I want to recommend

[1:40:52] the movie Shine.

Dan McCoy

[1:40:58] She called her shot.

Hallie Haglund

[1:41:00] No.

[1:41:01] Just kidding.

[1:41:02] All I remember

[1:41:03] is there's a trampoline

[1:41:05] involved in Shine, right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:06] Yeah.

[1:41:07] He's jumping up and down

[1:41:08] with just a trench coat on

[1:41:09] and no clothes, right?

[1:41:10] On trampoline.

[1:41:12] Okay, so...

[1:41:13] That's the movie where...

[1:41:15] And then Bob Burton,

[1:41:16] the creator of Mystery Men

[1:41:17] said,

[1:41:17] I have my villain

[1:41:18] for the Mystery Men movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:41:22] Look at his grace

[1:41:23] on that trampoline.

[1:41:24] Mm-hmm.

Hallie Haglund

[1:41:25] Okay, so my recommendation

[1:41:27] is really a defense

[1:41:30] of a movie

[1:41:30] that's not that good

[1:41:31] but I was shocked

[1:41:32] when I saw it

[1:41:33] because everything

[1:41:34] I read about it

[1:41:36] said it was terrible

[1:41:37] and it was just

[1:41:39] not terrible.

[1:41:40] Okay.

[1:41:40] which is kind of okay

[1:41:42] which is...

[1:41:44] But, you know,

[1:41:46] if I've mentioned this

[1:41:46] but I have children

[1:41:47] so I'm watching

[1:41:50] a lot of

[1:41:51] Studio Ghibli's movies

[1:41:52] and I mentioned this

[1:41:55] to you, Elliot.

[1:41:56] Earwig and the Witch.

[1:41:57] Have you guys seen it?

Dan McCoy

[1:41:59] No.

[1:41:59] I haven't seen it yet.

[1:42:00] I have heard

[1:42:01] the consensus though

[1:42:02] that this is like,

[1:42:02] oh, a misfire

[1:42:03] from Ghibli

[1:42:04] or whatever.

Hallie Haglund

[1:42:05] Yeah, but I...

[1:42:07] It looks really different

[1:42:08] and at first I was like,

[1:42:09] oh, I don't like it

[1:42:10] because it looks different

[1:42:11] but then I was like,

[1:42:11] but I like how it looks

[1:42:13] even though it looks different.

[1:42:14] And, you know,

[1:42:15] it's got all kinds

[1:42:16] of spooky imagery.

[1:42:19] I don't know.

[1:42:19] I think...

[1:42:20] Like Coraline?

[1:42:21] Gabriel might like it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:22] Okay, he does love

[1:42:23] spooky stuff.

Hallie Haglund

[1:42:24] Worms.

[1:42:24] Lots of worms.

[1:42:25] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:25] I love worms.

[1:42:26] I love worms.

[1:42:27] Yeah, we have them

[1:42:28] here at the house.

[1:42:29] We've got a whole tower

[1:42:29] full of them.

[1:42:30] I think I'll get a leaf worms.

[1:42:31] That's a result of...

[1:42:32] I like the flurry

[1:42:33] in death metal

[1:42:34] and the worm.

[1:42:35] I feel like that's more

[1:42:36] of a way of processing

[1:42:38] your isolation.

[1:42:39] Yeah.

Hallie Haglund

[1:42:39] There is a bit

[1:42:40] of a metal aspect

[1:42:42] to it, Stuart.

[1:42:43] Oh, cool.

[1:42:44] So you might like that.

[1:42:46] In that the television

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:47] you're watching it on

[1:42:48] has metal parts.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:49] Oh.

[1:42:50] That's a little bit

[1:42:51] of trivia

[1:42:51] about your television.

[1:42:52] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:53] My television's

[1:42:54] made out of flesh

[1:42:55] and I insert the VHS tape

[1:42:56] through my television.

[1:42:57] The new flesh.

[1:42:59] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:59] That's very new flesh.

[1:43:00] Yeah, of course

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:01] it's new flesh.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:02] That's like in the

[1:43:03] Huey Lewis song.

[1:43:04] It was,

[1:43:04] I want a new flesh

[1:43:05] so I can put a tape

[1:43:07] in my belly.

[1:43:08] Bam, bam.

Hallie Haglund

[1:43:10] And the little girl

[1:43:11] who stars in,

[1:43:12] or the main character

[1:43:14] in Earwig and the Witch

[1:43:16] is very naughty

[1:43:17] and at first

[1:43:19] you're like,

[1:43:19] is she supposed

[1:43:20] to be bad?

[1:43:21] Are we supposed

[1:43:22] to not like her?

[1:43:22] But then you're

[1:43:23] rooting for her.

[1:43:25] You're on her side

[1:43:25] so it's really different

[1:43:26] from, you know,

[1:43:27] a lot of Miyazaki movies

[1:43:28] when there's like,

[1:43:30] little girls are like perfect

[1:43:31] and, you know,

[1:43:32] just struggling with like

[1:43:33] wanting to be better

[1:43:36] at writing.

[1:43:37] Or being in a new house

[1:43:37] or something.

[1:43:38] Yeah.

[1:43:38] It's a lot like

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:39] Orphan First Kill

[1:43:40] that way,

[1:43:40] a naughty girl

[1:43:41] that you come

[1:43:41] to sympathize with.

[1:43:42] Exactly.

[1:43:43] Wow.

[1:43:44] And her hair

Hallie Haglund

[1:43:44] makes her look

[1:43:45] like an Earwig.

[1:43:47] Oh, cool.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:50] Well, that's the start

[1:43:51] of October.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:52] And is the title

[1:43:53] supposed to sound

[1:43:54] like Hedwig

[1:43:54] and the Angry Inch?

[1:43:55] I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:56] Yeah.

[1:43:57] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:58] And that's,

[1:43:59] so that's five movies

[1:44:00] we recommended

[1:44:01] plus the first Orphan.

[1:44:02] That's six recommendations.

[1:44:03] That's a full weekend

[1:44:04] worth of flicks.

[1:44:05] And Shine

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:06] as well.

[1:44:09] Watch it first.

[1:44:10] We confirmed

[1:44:10] the existence of,

[1:44:11] yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:13] Does he play

[1:44:14] the piano in it?

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:15] Yes.

[1:44:15] He's a famous pianist.

[1:44:16] Yeah.

[1:44:17] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:18] Yes.

[1:44:18] Well, coming back.

[1:44:19] Yeah.

[1:44:19] He really made

[1:44:20] an impression on me.

[1:44:21] He called that

[1:44:22] because he shines

[1:44:23] while playing the piano.

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:25] Yeah, like a vampire,

[1:44:26] like a modern day vampire

[1:44:27] in the light.

[1:44:28] Yeah.

[1:44:28] He dreams of,

[1:44:29] he wants to play

[1:44:30] the Rachmaninoff's

[1:44:31] third symphony,

[1:44:32] the Rock Three,

[1:44:33] they call it

[1:44:33] over and over again.

[1:44:35] Why doesn't he just

[1:44:36] do it?

[1:44:37] I use a Rock Three

[1:44:38] razor blade.

[1:44:39] Uh-huh.

[1:44:40] Anyway.

[1:44:42] Let's.

[1:44:43] Because it has

[1:44:43] three blades

[1:44:44] on the piano.

Hallie Haglund

[1:44:47] It's really heavy.

[1:44:48] It's really hard to shoot.

[1:44:49] That's why

[1:44:50] Dan has a beard.

Dan McCoy

[1:44:51] I have to rub my face

[1:44:53] against the razor

[1:44:55] rather than

[1:44:56] the traditional method.

[1:44:58] It's very hard.

[1:44:59] Anyway,

[1:45:00] so that's the Flophouse.

[1:45:02] If you haven't heard it before,

[1:45:05] now you know.

[1:45:06] Now you have.

[1:45:07] Hallie's not always here,

[1:45:09] but she frequently is,

[1:45:09] and we always like to see her,

[1:45:12] and so does the audience.

[1:45:14] Hey, Hallie,

[1:45:15] I don't know.

[1:45:16] You want to say anything else

[1:45:17] before we go?

Hallie Haglund

[1:45:17] Thanks for having me, guys.

[1:45:19] Great to see Elliot in person,

[1:45:21] and Stuart and Dan

[1:45:22] on a computer.

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:24] And Hallie,

[1:45:24] do you have anything to promote?

Hallie Haglund

[1:45:27] Oh, no.

[1:45:28] Sorry I asked.

Dan McCoy

[1:45:31] Sorry.

[1:45:32] You know,

[1:45:33] you're a mom.

[1:45:33] That's what you're promoting,

[1:45:35] right?

[1:45:36] That and

[1:45:36] orphan awareness.

[1:45:38] No, I wouldn't promote that.

[1:45:40] You would warn people about it.

[1:45:42] Amazing.

[1:45:45] Well, okay.

[1:45:46] For the Flophouse,

[1:45:48] thank you for listening.

[1:45:51] Go to maxfun.org,

[1:45:53] maximumfun.org even,

[1:45:55] for other podcasts.

[1:45:57] If you wanted to go to the website,

[1:45:58] yeah.

[1:45:58] Yeah, you'll probably have more luck

[1:45:59] than the wrong address

[1:46:01] I originally said.

[1:46:02] And thank you to

[1:46:03] Howl Dottie,

[1:46:05] Alex Smith,

[1:46:06] Howl Dottie on Twitter,

[1:46:08] for our production

[1:46:10] and editing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:12] Do you want to tease Dan

[1:46:13] our recent,

[1:46:14] our upcoming appearance

[1:46:15] on Howl Dottie's

[1:46:17] Fast Track podcast?

Dan McCoy

[1:46:18] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:46:20] I'm not sure when it's going to be released,

[1:46:21] sometime in October,

[1:46:22] because it's spooky season.

[1:46:25] We did a guest spot

[1:46:27] on Alex's show,

[1:46:29] Fast Track,

[1:46:30] and that's a show

[1:46:32] where we write

[1:46:33] a song

[1:46:35] in half an hour.

[1:46:36] We don't write the music.

[1:46:36] Alex writes the music

[1:46:37] because we don't know

[1:46:38] shit about that.

[1:46:39] But we write the words,

[1:46:40] the lyrics,

[1:46:41] and we did a,

[1:46:42] sort of a novelty

[1:46:43] romance song.

[1:46:45] Yeah,

[1:46:45] it's kind of loosely inspired

Stuart Wellington

[1:46:47] by one of my

[1:46:48] celebrity hall passes.

[1:46:49] Yeah.

[1:46:52] You know,

[1:46:53] easily top three

[1:46:53] celebrity hall pass.

[1:46:54] Yeah.

[1:46:55] Sure, sure, sure.

Dan McCoy

[1:46:55] It's a monster-related

[1:46:57] love story.

[1:46:57] Let's just say that.

[1:46:58] So we'll,

[1:46:59] we'll hear that soon.

[1:47:02] But now I will sign off.

[1:47:03] For the Flophouse,

[1:47:04] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:47:05] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Stuart Wellington

[1:47:06] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:47:08] And I'm Hallie Haglund.

[1:47:09] Ooh.

[1:47:11] So Dan,

[1:47:12] who are your top three

[1:47:13] celebrity,

[1:47:14] who's your celebrity

[1:47:15] hall pass?

[1:47:16] I'll take that answer

[1:47:18] off the air.

Hallie Haglund

[1:47:23] I was just telling Elliot

[1:47:25] there's a lot of projectile

[1:47:27] vomiting going on

[1:47:28] in my house.

Stuart Wellington

[1:47:29] Oh no.

[1:47:30] Is that a spooky season?

[1:47:31] It's all like an exorcist bit?

[1:47:33] Yeah,

Hallie Haglund

[1:47:33] we just,

[1:47:34] we set it up

[1:47:34] and it's very dirty

[1:47:36] and smelly,

[1:47:37] but you know,

[1:47:38] it's worth it.

[1:47:38] It's so scary.

[1:47:40] I don't know.

[1:47:41] I don't know why.

[1:47:42] But I was picking my kid

[1:47:43] up the other day

[1:47:44] because he said

[1:47:45] he felt sick

[1:47:46] do we need to go

[1:47:46] to the bathroom?

[1:47:47] And I picked him up

[1:47:48] and he just

[1:47:49] vomited all over me.

[1:47:51] Like,

[1:47:52] it was like down my back

[1:47:53] in my bra

[1:47:54] and then I

[1:47:55] went to say,

[1:47:57] are you okay?

[1:47:58] And I opened my mouth

[1:47:59] and then he vomited

[1:48:00] and opened my mouth.

Elliott Kalan

[1:48:04] MaximumFun.org

S6

[1:48:05] Comedy and culture.

[1:48:07] Artist owned.

[1:48:08] Audience supported.

Ep #380 - Orphan: First Kill, with Hallie Haglund

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