FH Mini 65 - The Goofs About Charlie

Elliott Kalan

[0:00] Hey there, Flophouse fans or casual listeners.

[0:07] You'll be a fan by the end of this episode, maybe.

[0:09] Oh, wow.

[0:09] I don't know.

[0:10] My name's Ellie Kalin.

[0:11] Love that confidence.

[0:12] Thank you.

[0:13] My name's Ellie Kalin, and this is another Flophouse Mini.

[0:15] I'm joined today by my regular co-host slash sidekicks.

[0:18] Name yourselves, guys.

Dan McCoy

[0:19] Dan McCoy.

[0:21] Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:23] Those are my boys.

[0:24] Anyway, this is a Flophouse Mini.

[0:26] Normally on this show, we watch a bad movie and we talk about it.

[0:29] I say normally even though it's literally half the time.

[0:31] Half the time.

[0:32] There's as much claim to the minis being the normal episodes.

Dan McCoy

[0:34] You are running into the same problem I do every time I try to introduce a mini.

[0:39] How to explain a concept that should be, by all accounts, very simple.

Stuart Wellington

[0:44] Yes.

[0:44] I don't have a tough time doing it, guys.

[0:46] I don't know why you guys struggle so much.

Dan McCoy

[0:48] I don't know because we're weirdo literalists who think of problems with every version of an explanation we get halfway into saying the sentence.

Elliott Kalan

[0:59] I think I have two answers.

[1:01] One is that Dan and I tend to fall on kind of formulaic announcer television type ways of introducing things.

[1:08] And you don't, Stu.

[1:09] You're an American original.

[1:10] And two, you have what John Keats…

[1:12] You're more of an Ira Glass.

[1:13] Yes, exactly.

[1:14] You have John Keats…

[1:15] Yeah, very fragile.

[1:17] What if Ira Glass was the enemy of Unbreakable all this time?

[1:21] Of Sixth Sense.

[1:22] Of Sixth Sense.

[1:23] He's not part of the Unbreakable universe.

[1:25] Or is he?

[1:26] I think he's the exact opposite of Bruce Willis' character in Unbreakable.

[1:29] Yeah.

[1:29] In that he's very breakable.

[1:30] He's already broken when the movie starts.

[1:32] Anyway, the second thing is that…

[1:33] Spoiler alert.

[1:34] Stuart possesses what John Keats…

[1:35] Yeah, for that 30-year-old movie.

[1:37] No, sorry, 23-year-old movie.

[1:39] Stuart possesses what John Keats terms negative capability, which is kind of the ability to live in ambiguity and between comprehensive meanings.

[1:47] You know, kind of abstraction.

[1:50] Anyway, we're here to talk about…

Stuart Wellington

[1:51] I'm like the Molly Bloom of this podcast is what you're trying to say.

Elliott Kalan

[1:55] Yeah, and only in that you say yes a lot.

[1:59] Yeah, I do that.

[2:01] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[2:03] Classic Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[2:04] That's me, two of T.

[2:07] Dead to rights.

[2:08] Yeah, you can't spell Stuart without two Ts.

Dan McCoy

[2:11] Guys, how did this show get popular?

[2:13] Can you…

[2:14] Define popular, Dan.

[2:16] Define popular.

[2:17] I mean, enough.

[2:19] Enough.

[2:20] Popular enough.

[2:21] Yeah.

[2:21] That has papered over a few holes in my career lately.

Elliott Kalan

[2:25] That's what I tell my parents.

[2:26] Yeah.

[2:27] When they ask me what I'm doing with my life these days, and I say, look at these grandkids.

[2:31] Aren't they cute?

[2:31] And then I run away.

[2:32] Speaking of my grandparents…

[2:34] Not my grandparents.

[2:35] Speaking of my parents' grandkids…

[2:37] Okay.

[2:38] Today, when we're recording this episode, not when it's released, but when we're recording this episode today on October 11th, it is my nephew Charlie's birthday.

[2:46] Hey, Charlie.

[2:47] Happy birthday.

[2:49] Charlie.

[2:50] Charlie.

[2:51] Charlie is turning seven, I want to say.

[2:55] Anyway, I always forget that he's not the same exact age as my oldest son, who is almost nine, because they get along so well.

[3:02] Anyway, Charlie is a great kid.

[3:03] He lives in England with my sister, who is his mother, and today's his birthday.

[3:08] And I just want to celebrate what a wonderful child he is.

[3:12] He's super smart.

[3:13] He's super funny.

[3:14] He's very sweet.

[3:15] He has a hilarious and adorable English accent.

[3:18] It's very funny to me because my kids, hey, they talk like this.

[3:21] Forget about it.

[3:22] Oh, Los Angeles.

[3:23] That's where we live.

[3:24] Oh.

[3:25] But he's all like, I'm walking here, even though this is not a pedestrian city.

[3:30] Yeah, that's true.

[3:31] This is very much a driving city.

[3:32] I should be driving here, but I'm walking.

[3:35] You know, they say that, yeah.

[3:36] And then Christopher Walken goes, I'm walking here.

[3:39] And they go, no, no, you don't understand.

[3:40] It sounds similar, but it's not the same word.

[3:42] Anyway.

Dan McCoy

[3:44] That's how they came up with their classic vaudeville bit.

Elliott Kalan

[3:47] Do you think –

[3:48] Yeah, how Sammy and Christopher Walken came up with their famous –

Stuart Wellington

[3:51] Do you think Christopher Walken ever hears that song, Walking in L.A., and he's like, hey, that's me.

[3:59] Maybe.

Elliott Kalan

[3:59] I'm walking in L.A.

[4:02] I think he hears the song Walking on Sunshine, and he's like, someday I will be walking on sunshine.

[4:10] Grandma.

[4:11] That's the day he'll be reunited with his grandma.

[4:13] So anyway, Charlie, on the other hand, he's English, so he sounds like this.

[4:17] I'm walking here, mommy.

[4:19] And so – because this is very much a pedestrian city, London, where they live.

[4:23] So anyway, it's Charlie's birthday, so I just thought I would celebrate that with a special mini

[4:27] where I'm going to take you through my list of the top 11 movie Charlies.

[4:32] That's right.

[4:33] Okay.

[4:34] The top Charlies in movies, the top 11.

[4:36] And I want to get your opinions on whether you agree or not.

[4:40] So, okay, I'm going to share my screen.

[4:42] I'm going to show you my Charlies.

[4:47] So you'll notice it says right there, top movie Charlies.

Dan McCoy

[4:50] Elliot put a PowerPoint together for this, which, I mean, I retroactively feel guilty about the amount of work I put into the last mini.

[4:58] So let's just move along.

[5:01] No, no.

Elliott Kalan

[5:01] I mean, it's not the best PowerPoint because I know only you guys are watching it.

[5:03] The audience can't see it.

[5:04] This is an audio medium.

[5:06] So don't worry, audience.

[5:07] It's not the most bells and whistles PowerPoint.

[5:09] If you've ever seen a live show, I put a lot more work and a lot more visual flair and joke flair into those PowerPoints.

[5:15] But anyway, top movie Charlies.

[5:16] So let's start – guys, you ready to go on this Charl venture through the world of Charlies?

Dan McCoy

[5:22] Yeah.

[5:23] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[5:23] Yeah, I'm ready for a Charl venture.

[5:25] And guys, feel free to disagree, agree heartily, however you feel about it.

[5:31] I'm going to open the debate.

[5:32] That's what this is really about is I'm not some movie god handing down the 10 Charles Mannments on high.

[5:38] For one, it's 11 Charlies.

[5:38] So the 11 Charles Mannments on high.

[5:40] I'm starting to open the debate.

[5:41] I'm just like when Marty Scorsese was like, Marvel movies aren't cinema.

[5:45] Boom.

[5:45] Drop the grenade.

[5:46] Discussed it, everybody.

[5:47] And then walked out of the room.

[5:48] I'm kind of like that.

Stuart Wellington

[5:49] Yeah, you're kind of like Joseph P. BuzzFeed, the inventor of the BuzzFeed quiz.

Dan McCoy

[5:53] Yeah, you want someone to be so hurt by your offhanded comment about films that aren't for you that later on they'll write a clickbait piece that will set the internet aflame.

Stuart Wellington

[6:07] The point of a listicle is not to actually make a definitive list but to get people talking about the elements of the list.

Dan McCoy

[6:14] Exactly.

[6:15] That's my Joseph P. BuzzFeed impression.

[6:17] I am ready.

[6:19] Joseph Fonsiful BuzzFeed was ahead of his time.

[6:21] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[6:22] I am ready to Charles my own Charles Venture.

[6:26] Yep.

[6:26] You know, Stuart, I'm sure you know this being someone who speaks German, that his family's original name was Burstfurtz.

[6:32] But they changed it during the war.

[6:33] Yeah.

[6:34] Yeah.

[6:34] So anyway, so top 11 movie Charlies.

[6:37] Let's start with number 11.

[6:38] Let's start at the bottom and move up to the top because to do otherwise would be anticlimactic.

[6:41] Why would you do it that way?

[6:42] Idiotic number choice, but.

[6:45] Wow.

[6:45] Number 11, Charles Xavier.

[6:48] Wow.

[6:49] At number 11, this isn't the lowest you could get.

[6:51] There are Charlies that I left off the list.

[6:53] Charles Xavier at number 11.

[6:55] Why is he on the list?

[6:56] Well, let me tell you.

[6:56] He's the founder of the X-Men.

[6:58] We all know that.

[6:58] He labeled it with his own first initial, although they'll tell you officially at Marvel that's because they have an extra X factor.

[7:04] That gives them powers.

[7:05] But we all know it's named after him.

[7:06] Why is he at number 11?

[7:07] Well, to be honest, he's not a very good teacher.

[7:10] The number of students he has that die in battle is fairly horrendous.

[7:14] I'd say it stacks up against any other teacher.

[7:17] He's essentially taking young mutants and training them to be a sort of paramilitary terrorist vigilante group.

[7:23] Yeah.

[7:23] I'm not okay with that.

[7:24] Charles, sorry, but you're burnt.

Dan McCoy

[7:25] Is that a teaching issue, the fact that his students keep getting hurt?

[7:30] Or is that just sort of a side effect of them being persecuted?

Elliott Kalan

[7:34] I don't know if it's those Magneto issues.

[7:35] No, no.

[7:36] They usually die in fights with other mutants, Dan.

[7:38] It's not like they are – they're not – he says, I'm going to teach you how to protect yourself and defend yourself.

[7:44] But then he puts a costume on them, sends them into battle against Magneto or, you know, Phoenix or whatever.

Stuart Wellington

[7:49] And often those costumes feature an X somewhere on them, usually placed over a vital part of the body.

[7:56] Exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[7:57] Which looks a lot like a target.

[7:58] Exactly.

[7:59] That's true.

[7:59] Very good point.

[8:00] He's as bad a costume designer or tactical gear designer as he is a teacher.

[8:05] If he was a better teacher, his students might be, I don't know, going to college instead of putting on leather and getting into fights.

Dan McCoy

[8:12] Now, I had assumed that he was so low on the list because he was primarily known as Charles and not Charlie.

[8:20] But I assume that this means – if that's not one of the reasons, then that Charles and Charlies will appear randomly throughout the rest of the list.

[8:28] That you're not –

Elliott Kalan

[8:28] Dan, you're going to like number nine.

[8:30] Okay.

[8:30] If you're interested in a variety of ways that the name Charles can be represented.

[8:33] But not number ten because number ten, we're going to Charlie Kaufman in Adaptation.

[8:40] Well, he's the only Charlie I could find played by Nicolas Cage.

[8:43] So he had to be here somewhere.

[8:45] Sure.

[8:45] But why is he not number ten?

[8:46] Well, he's a portrayal of screenwriters as kind of like anxious, nervous, shy, non-confident, messed up, kind of weaselly, kind of just emotionally – not destructive exactly, but emotionally messy people.

[9:04] And I relate to that too much.

[9:05] So it made me feel bad.

[9:06] Yeah, painfully accurate.

[9:07] So that's why he's at number ten.

[9:08] Sure.

[9:08] Yeah, painfully accurate.

[9:10] And also, he just could not seal the deal with waitress Judy Greer in Adaptation.

[9:15] And, you know, she seems so friendly.

[9:17] Just say hi, Charlie.

[9:18] That's all you got to do.

[9:19] Stop being a creep, dude.

[9:20] She's just doing her job.

[9:22] Be friendly.

[9:22] Or otherwise, just go away.

[9:25] Just leave her alone.

[9:26] And just don't talk to her at all.

[9:27] Don't fantasize about her.

Dan McCoy

[9:28] You know, this Adaptation poster with Nicolas Cage's head as the flowerpot that is broken with the orchid in it because, of course, as we all know, Adaptation based very closely on The Orchid Thief by Susan Orlean.

Elliott Kalan

[9:45] It's the co-stars Meryl Streep as Susan Orlean.

Dan McCoy

[9:47] It has a spiritual kinship with the Dan in real life poster, which is, you know, something that I feel very close to.

[9:54] Depressed head on its side.

[9:56] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[9:57] Of course, that is lying on pancakes.

[9:59] That is the comical.

[10:00] There's no pancakes.

[10:02] The whimsy in that poster as opposed to being a potted plant.

Elliott Kalan

[10:06] Now, Dan, here's my question about that.

[10:08] And you must get this a lot because people think you're the Dan in real life that the movie is based on.

[10:12] Well, I am a Dan in real life.

[10:14] I'm not the Dan in real life.

[10:15] I'm sure you have to tell people that a lot when they stop you outside the Applebee's in Times Square and ask if you're the Dan in real life.

[10:21] Yeah.

[10:21] But Dan, how did you –

Stuart Wellington

[10:22] And Dan's like, yep, pictures are five bucks.

[10:24] Get out your pancakes.

Elliott Kalan

[10:26] Provide your own pancakes.

[10:27] BYOP.

[10:28] I don't carry pancakes to eat.

[10:29] And I get to eat the pancakes afterwards.

[10:30] That's non-negotiable.

[10:32] Dan is so desperate for people to know – for attention that he walks around – he's like Bob Crane in autofocus putting his own show on the TV in the bar that Dan brings his own plate of pancakes to a bar and lays his head on it so that someone will recognize and go, wait, are you Dan in real life?

Dan McCoy

[10:47] And then I have to go, no, but I am a Dan in real life.

[10:51] As I stated before, legally, I can't put in.

Elliott Kalan

[10:55] But the question I imagine they ask you is how did you wash all that butter and syrup out of the side of your face and your sideburns?

Dan McCoy

[11:01] I imagine you just get, you know, like a hungry dog to look it up.

[11:06] I mean I assume for the poster –

Stuart Wellington

[11:07] I'm assuming for the poster they just took a picture of Steve Carell and then Drew Struzan fucking painted that shit on there, right?

Dan McCoy

[11:14] Painted some syrup on him.

Elliott Kalan

[11:16] Yeah.

[11:17] That's because he's the syrup guy.

[11:18] He's the guy Hollywood calls when you need syrup.

[11:21] It would be interesting if it turned out all of Drew Struzan's kind of hazy, kind of glossy – or not glossy, but you know what I mean, kind of gauzy images.

[11:29] It's because he's always imagining the characters with maple syrup all over them.

Stuart Wellington

[11:32] That's how it gets the shine, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[11:35] Drew, what's your secret?

[11:36] Here's my secret.

[11:37] Don't let it out.

[11:38] I imagine what the stars of the movie would look like if they had maple syrup on their faces.

[11:43] Really?

[11:44] Yeah.

[11:45] That's it.

[11:45] And then the muse speaks to me and my hand does its work.

[11:50] Anyway, so that's number 10, Charlie Kaufman.

[11:53] I'm glad we could talk about Dan and the pancakes because that was very relevant.

[11:57] Number nine, Dan, you were wondering about other iterations of the name Charles.

[12:01] Better be Chucky.

[12:03] It's Chucky.

[12:04] Yeah, I guessed it.

[12:06] It's Chucky.

[12:07] Why on the list?

[12:08] He's got one, he's iconic but also humble.

[12:11] Look, he's an icon to this day, but you know what?

[12:14] He doesn't brag about it.

[12:16] He goes in every day.

[12:17] He does the work.

[12:18] He occasionally gets married.

[12:19] He occasionally has a seed, but he's always there for them.

[12:22] You know, you can rely on Chucky.

[12:24] Guys, why is he only at number nine?

[12:26] Well, he's a murderous doll, so that's part of it.

[12:29] And also, he was one of the first things that I really remember being scared of when I was a kid.

[12:34] In the Video Town video store in Millburn, New Jersey, where I grew up, there was a, at one point, a huge cardboard standee of Chucky to advertise Child's Flight, and I thought it was very scary and did not want to go in that part of the video store.

[12:46] So, sorry, Chucky, you've got to be at number nine.

[12:48] You did your job too well.

[12:49] That's what I would say.

[12:50] Dan, what are your feelings about the Chuckster?

Dan McCoy

[12:53] Well, you know, he is, and he isn't a good guy.

[12:57] You know, he is.

[12:58] I mean, how is he?

[12:59] How is he a good guy?

[13:00] Well, he's pretending to be a good guy doll.

[13:03] Yeah.

[13:03] And it says good guy on his front.

[13:04] Yeah, but, I mean, you know, I mean, he seems to love his wife, even though he also wants to kill her later on.

[13:15] So, that's the point against.

[13:15] Well, that's kind of like a Gomez and Morticia thing.

Elliott Kalan

[13:17] Gomez and Morticia are trying to kill each other, and you know they love each other.

Stuart Wellington

[13:20] It's made very clear.

[13:22] Now, I wonder, so Chucky was originally voiced by Brad Dorff.

[13:25] Was it challenging for him to voice a character with tiny eyebrows?

[13:30] As a man with enormous eyebrows.

Elliott Kalan

[13:33] I think he had to spend a lot of time talking to people with smaller eyebrows.

[13:37] He did ride-alongs with, you know, hey.

[13:41] Ride-alongs.

Dan McCoy

[13:42] He did trim-alongs.

[13:44] He could have come see me.

[13:46] That was, you know, you missed that part of the pre-show talk, Stuart, but I was talking about how I was complaining about how my eyebrows have thinned.

[13:53] So, Brad, if you need to brush up on how to play Chucky.

Stuart Wellington

[13:57] Did that come to light because you're planning a Halloween costume to go as Peter Gallagher?

[14:03] Mm-hmm.

[14:05] And he said, no, no, no.

Elliott Kalan

[14:08] This is going to be my secret.

[14:10] I think Dan is, Dan, it's one of the most first world problems I think I've ever heard.

[14:15] It's right up there.

[14:16] That he's like, I guess my eyebrows aren't as bushy as they once were.

Stuart Wellington

[14:19] Are you worried George Whipple is going to steal your girl?

Dan McCoy

[14:23] I mean, they're just, you know, it looks a little unusual.

[14:27] I, you know, the amount, you know, look, I know he's got a lot of other things going for him.

[14:33] He's Peter Gallagher.

[14:34] You know, the man has.

[14:35] Oh, I thought you were talking about Chucky.

[14:37] Effortless charm.

[14:38] He can sing, too.

[14:40] You know, women look at those, or gay men, or whoever likes Peter Gallagher looks at those luxurious eyebrows.

[14:48] They just want to run their fingers through those monster caterpillars above his eyes.

[14:53] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[14:54] Yeah.

[14:54] I imagine it must be hard for both him and his brother Gallagher, who has that big mustache that everybody wants a piece of.

[15:01] Yeah.

[15:02] Yeah.

[15:02] Okay, so that's Chucky.

[15:04] We really made a good point about Chucky there.

Dan McCoy

[15:08] Good point.

[15:08] Sorry.

[15:09] No, you've got two versions of him here.

[15:11] No, we're moving on.

[15:11] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[15:12] We're moving on.

[15:12] We don't have time to talk about two versions.

[15:14] Don't pretend you're interested.

[15:16] Number eight.

[15:17] We got to go to, that's right, Charlie Croker, Michael Caine in the Italian job.

[15:21] Okay.

[15:23] He's Michael Caine.

[15:24] Unless he's been canceled by the time this episode is released.

[15:27] He's great and he's beloved by all.

[15:28] I don't know yet.

[15:29] Why is he only at number eight?

[15:31] Well, he's not that good at being a robber, it turns out, if you've seen The Italian Job.

[15:36] And the movie ends with him in a truck or a bus that's teetering over a cliff.

[15:40] He probably dies as soon as the credits roll.

[15:43] So that's why Charlie Croker only gets to number eight on the list.

[15:46] But, you know, he's Michael Caine.

[15:47] He's just so suave and cool.

[15:49] Yeah.

[15:49] And he told them just to blow the bloody doors off, but they couldn't help it.

[15:53] It's Michael Caine.

[15:53] They had to blow the whole thing up.

[15:54] Guys, what do you think about this?

[15:55] And Dan, could Michael Caine, do you think he might be visiting us in a moment?

Dan McCoy

[16:00] I don't know if I could remember that much about being in the Italian Job.

[16:05] Hello, I'm Michael Caine.

[16:06] Michael Caine.

[16:07] Wow.

[16:07] The Michael Caine.

[16:09] The thing is, your friend Dan, he got in touch with me beforehand.

[16:14] He had a premonition that I might be needed for some reason.

[16:18] He didn't know why, which is kind of more amazing when you think about it.

Elliott Kalan

[16:23] It is.

[16:23] Well, thank you for providing that in-universe explanation for what is otherwise not necessary

[16:28] to go into the backstory of it.

[16:30] Elliot, I am delighted.

[16:33] Thank you for thanking me.

[16:36] Well, okay.

[16:37] So tell us a little bit about, what do you remember about the Italian Job?

[16:40] What drew you to the role of Charlie Croker?

Dan McCoy

[16:42] Well, of course, there were, in the script, they talked about having these Mini Coopers.

[16:50] These Mini Coopers.

[16:51] And I thought, oh, I thought it was Winnie Cooper from...

[16:56] The Wondering Years.

[16:57] The Wondering Years.

[16:57] A television show that would be on the air many years later.

[17:00] That was not extant at the time, but I had read various treatments for it, of course.

[17:09] Oh, wow.

Elliott Kalan

[17:10] So it had been floating around.

[17:11] So you're saying by...

[17:12] So you're saying the Italian Job, which is a movie from, what, the late 60s, mid-60s,

[17:16] that at a TV show about...

[17:18] That was about a child growing up in the 60s that had been floating around for a while.

Dan McCoy

[17:22] It was heavily rewritten.

[17:23] It was about a young lad's experience as the flapper era before...

[17:31] Oh, okay.

[17:32] It's interesting.

[17:33] It just time shifted to the 60s over many rewrites.

Elliott Kalan

[17:40] I mean, that makes sense.

[17:41] Because, yeah, Italian Job came out in 1969, I'm looking up.

[17:43] But it makes sense that, yeah, that would be about someone in middle age looking back at

[17:46] their youth in their roaring 20s.

[17:49] And yet by the 80s, when that movie, when the show was finally made, then, yeah, the

[17:53] character would have been quite elderly at that point.

Stuart Wellington

[17:55] I guess all the math checks out, guys, why Michael Caine would be available and why he

[18:00] would be familiar at The Wonder Years.

[18:02] Okay.

[18:02] Yeah, well...

Elliott Kalan

[18:03] And also, The Wonder Years, I imagine everything about Vietnam in The Wonder Years was probably

[18:06] originally about the Great War.

[18:09] And everything about rock and roll was originally about jazz and ragtime.

[18:12] And everything that was about losing your virginity, well, that is eternal throughout all of human

[18:19] history.

[18:19] That's not, you know...

Dan McCoy

[18:20] Listen, lads.

[18:22] Having explained everything logically and with no flaws whatsoever, I have to return to my

[18:32] home that Joss the Revenge built for me.

[18:36] But it was always great to talk to you.

[18:38] A shark built in the house?

[18:39] Well, he had help.

[18:42] Anyway, ta-ta.

Elliott Kalan

[18:46] Oh, that was so great.

Dan McCoy

[18:47] That was so cool.

[18:48] Michael Caine's famous catchphrase, ta-ta.

Elliott Kalan

[18:51] Ta-ta.

[18:51] That's what he says, yeah.

[18:53] Well, I don't think we can top that, which is why we got to go to number seven on the

[18:56] list.

[18:57] Dan, I knew you knew this.

[18:58] Who do you think is going to be the next Charlie on the list?

Dan McCoy

[19:00] Just do a prediction.

[19:02] The Charlie of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory fame or Willy Wonka in movies.

[19:07] Is that it?

Elliott Kalan

[19:08] Okay.

[19:08] And Stuart, who do you think it's going to be?

[19:11] Uh, uh, uh, Charlie from The Truth About Charlie.

[19:15] Okay.

[19:16] You're both half right.

[19:17] It's Charlie Allnut from The African Queen.

[19:20] It's Humphrey Bogart's character.

[19:21] He's kind of a crusty, musty, sweaty, grimy riverboat guy.

[19:27] And he's all nuts.

[19:29] He's, well, Dan, we'll get to that actually.

[19:32] Okay, sorry.

[19:32] Because why is he on the list?

[19:33] Hey, if he's okay with Catherine Hepburn, he's okay with me.

[19:36] Yeah, sure.

[19:36] I've said it before and I'll say it again.

[19:37] She's a queen among everyone.

[19:39] Uh, Catherine Hepburn, just a, just a huge favorite of mine.

[19:42] Uh, why number seven?

[19:43] We actually never see him eat any nuts, I don't believe.

[19:45] So his last name is a lie.

[19:46] He actually has no nuts, zero nuts in the movie.

[19:49] I mean, I assume he has two human testicles.

[19:50] Well, he probably has a couple of, yeah.

[19:52] But anyway, Charlie Allnut, uh, you gotta have, uh, Humphrey Bogart on there, uh, because

[19:57] of all his famous roles in, uh, in, uh, in, you know, the, uh, the Maltese Franklin.

[20:03] And let's not forget, uh, Casabianca.

[20:06] And, uh, there's, uh, let's see, uh, the Big Sneak.

[20:10] The Big Sneak.

[20:11] And, uh, what are some other, uh, Humphrey Bogart movies?

[20:14] In a lonely place.

[20:16] Yeah, yeah.

[20:16] Well, yeah, yeah.

[20:17] There's, uh, To Have and Have Nuts.

[20:19] That one he does have nuts in.

[20:20] And, uh, and of course, uh, let's not forget, uh, uh, Eat the Devil.

Stuart Wellington

[20:26] So, anyway.

[20:28] Have you, have you stopped naming nuts?

Elliott Kalan

[20:30] No, and now we're naming fake versions of Humphrey Bogart movies.

[20:33] Yeah.

[20:35] So, I guess.

[20:36] Okay, but guys.

[20:37] Uh, okay.

[20:38] There's another Charlie.

[20:40] You're probably wondering, why hasn't he mentioned this Charlie?

[20:41] Charlie yet?

[20:42] It seems like a pretty famous Charlie.

[20:44] Why hasn't he mentioned this Charlie?

[20:45] Okay, I'm getting to it.

[20:46] You know who this Charlie is?

[20:47] It's Charlie Gordon from the movie Charlie.

[20:49] Uh, Cliff Robertson's Academy Award winning role.

[20:52] Uh, Cliff, again, uh, Charlie, why is he on the list?

[20:55] Well, you gotta give him credit for his guts.

[20:58] He took an experimental drug that made him a genius.

[21:00] And then the drug wore off and he never looked back.

[21:02] And you gotta admire somebody who can roll with those punches.

[21:04] Why is he only at number six?

[21:05] Well, he was really mean when he turned smart.

[21:08] He turned into kind of a mean dude.

[21:09] And he's also not that good at working at a bakery.

[21:11] As you can see from the picture on the left, Dan, can you describe that picture?

[21:15] What we're seeing there?

Dan McCoy

[21:16] Uh, well, he kind of looks like, you know, one of the characters in Ghostbusters at the

[21:20] very end of the movie where they're covered in blown up marshmallow man.

[21:25] Yeah.

[21:25] He's got like goo on top of his head.

[21:28] I don't know.

[21:29] I guess this is dough.

[21:30] I don't know why that'd be on top of his head.

[21:31] Let alone, he's also sitting on a bigger bunch of goo that he's pulling up with his hands

[21:38] as if to say, why?

[21:40] Yeah.

[21:41] I made this.

Elliott Kalan

[21:42] I think it's a prank that his mean coworkers pulled on him.

[21:47] Oh, right.

[21:47] But it does look like, but it also looks like he took the dough and decided to make himself

[21:51] kind of a royal crown and royal robes to be kind of like a king of dough.

Stuart Wellington

[21:56] Yeah.

[21:56] So like, so yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[21:57] He's kind of got the golem's hair.

Stuart Wellington

[22:00] So he like, yeah.

[22:02] So as he got smarter, he became meaner and he, did he get like cool, like cyberware powers?

[22:10] And did he, yeah.

[22:12] He does ride a motorcycle.

[22:13] Did he, did he, is he trying to get revenge against the spaceship that didn't pick him up

[22:19] when he was marooned?

[22:21] Basically, is he the hero from Stars My Destination?

Elliott Kalan

[22:24] No, he is not.

[22:25] He's not the hero of Stars My Destination who, yeah, similarly, similarly gets a, an intelligence

[22:31] upgrade.

[22:32] No, but the, but that's okay guys.

[22:36] That's the first half of the list.

[22:38] We went through 11 through six.

[22:39] We got a bunch more Charlies left to see to just to run through again.

[22:43] Number 11, Charles Xavier.

[22:44] Sure.

[22:45] Number 10, Charlie Kaufman.

[22:46] Number nine, Chucky.

[22:47] Eight, Charlie Croker.

[22:48] Seven, Charlie Allnut.

[22:49] Six, Charlie Gordon, AKA Charlie.

[22:51] The name of the movie is Charlie.

[22:53] And before we get to number five, Dan, I believe we have a sponsor.

[22:56] Please tell me it's from someone named Charlie.

Dan McCoy

[22:58] Uh, no.

[22:59] Well, our sponsor today is, uh, Microdose Gummies.

[23:02] Our show is sponsored by Microdose Gummies, which deliver a perfect entry-level doses of

[23:07] THC that help you feel just the right amount of good.

[23:10] Look, uh, ideas like this.

[23:13] But not too much good.

[23:14] Well, here's the thing.

[23:15] Ideas like this, some people are like, hey, what were you, what were you taking when

[23:19] you came up with that Charlie idea?

[23:21] And the thing is, you know, professional comedy writers rarely use the Microdose Gummies

[23:26] on the job, but they do use them after work to enjoy podcasts about Charlie's.

[23:34] So if you want to enjoy podcasts about Charlie's, the silliness, maybe a Microdose Gummies would

[23:39] help you.

[23:39] Uh, my personal experience is they taste good.

[23:44] They don't taste like, uh, uh, some sort of, uh, THC products.

[23:49] They just taste like a gummy and, uh, they feel great.

[23:53] They chill you out and help you wind down and they're available nationwide.

[23:57] If you'd like to learn more about Microdosing THC, go to microdose.com and use code flop.

[24:02] That's F L O P to get free shipping and 30% off your first order.

[24:07] Links can be found in the show description, but again, that is microdose.com code flop.

[24:12] Stuart, I believe you have a Jumbotron.

Stuart Wellington

[24:16] I do have a J-J-J-Jumbotron calling on all fellow Max Funsters looking for an epic sci-fi

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[24:59] To watch an example session, find pricing details, and learn the advantages of using a professional

[25:06] GM, check out gmandrew.com.

[25:12] Well, well, well.

Dan McCoy

[25:14] Well, perhaps we'll do that.

Elliott Kalan

[25:17] Perhaps.

[25:17] Maybe we will.

[25:18] Dan's going to just load up on micro gummies and log right in and jack into the matrix.

[25:24] Yeah.

John Hodgman

[25:28] And now, a live reading from Rachel's Poetry Corner.

S4

[25:32] All of these things and more wait for you on Wonderful every Wednesday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you download podcasts.

John Hodgman

[26:00] Did your neighbor back into your car?

[26:04] Bring that case to Judge Judy.

[26:06] Think the mailman might be the real father?

[26:09] Give that one to Judge Mathis.

[26:11] But does your mom want you to flush her ashes down the toilet at Disney World when she passes away?

[26:19] Now that's my jurisdiction.

[26:20] Welcome to the court of Judge John Hodgman, where the people are real, the disputes are real, and the stakes are often unusual.

S4

[26:27] If I got arrested for dumping your ashes in the jungle cruise, it would be an honor.

John Hodgman

[26:33] I don't want to be part of somebody getting a super yacht.

Elliott Kalan

[26:35] I don't know at what point you want to go into this, but we've had a worm bin before.

John Hodgman

[26:39] Available free right now at MaximumFun.org.

[26:42] Judge John Hodgman.

[26:44] The court of last resort when your wife won't stop pretending to be a cat and knocking the clean laundry over.

Elliott Kalan

[26:49] Those were some great sponsors, Dan.

[26:51] Are we ready to get back into the Charlieverse?

[26:53] Let's get into the Charlieverse.

[26:54] Let's see what it has for us.

[26:55] Let's get back into the MCU.

[26:55] Charlieverse.

Stuart Wellington

[26:56] I definitely have one Charlie I need to be in the top half of this list, but I'm not going to say who until Elliot disappoints me.

Elliott Kalan

[27:04] We'll see.

[27:04] I don't think it's going to be there, but maybe it will be.

[27:06] This is the MCU, the movie Charlie universe.

[27:08] I just want to mention before we move off of Charlie Gordon that looking at the poster here, I forgot the screenplay is by Sterling Siliphant, who I've always liked to assume was just a silly elephant who wrote screenplays.

[27:19] Yep.

[27:20] And said, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, this will be hilarious.

[27:23] That kind of thing.

[27:25] Okay, so that's a silly elephant.

[27:26] Okay, guys.

[27:27] Okay, thanks.

[27:27] We're up to the first half of the list.

[27:29] This is where the really heavy hitters, the big Charlies, are coming up.

[27:33] So get ready.

[27:35] Hold on to your pants.

[27:36] Or should I say, hold on to your candy.

[27:38] Because number five is Charlie Bucket.

[27:40] Dan guessed it earlier.

[27:42] It's Charlie Bucket from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

[27:45] I'm specifically saying the 1970s version, not the Johnny Depp one, which is a movie that I know I saw it and I barely remember it.

[27:54] And I was amazed the other day while doing research for this to find out that that movie is 17 years old.

[27:59] When it feels like it hasn't even come out yet.

[28:01] I remember it so little.

[28:03] Anyway, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

[28:05] It's a great movie.

[28:06] We watch it a lot at home.

[28:07] Charlie Bucket, why is he on the list?

[28:08] Well, he's heir to the greatest candy company in the world and I want free candy.

[28:13] So Charlie Bucket, if you're listening to this, free candy, please.

[28:16] I mean, actually, I should correct that.

[28:18] Send me chocolate.

[28:19] I don't want any of the candy.

[28:21] No, none at all.

[28:22] Don't send me like a big candy mushroom with white glop cream in it that you scoop out with your hands.

[28:28] No thank you.

[28:29] Or like a giant gummy bear that hangs from a tree.

[28:32] Don't want it.

[28:33] No thanks.

[28:33] Send me just chocolate, nothing fruit flavored.

[28:36] Okay, but why is Charlie Bucket on the list at number five?

[28:39] Why so low?

[28:41] He didn't really do that much to earn his gifted position.

[28:45] He's kind of like the top chef competitor who lays back and lets the other contestants knock themselves out, trying really hard and occasionally failing.

[28:52] But he never produces anything bold or imaginative.

[28:54] I'm saying he's the Hosea Rosenberg of movie Charlies.

[28:56] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[28:57] Elliot, I'll do you one better.

[28:59] He's no better than the other kids.

[29:02] And it's because he drinks the damn fizzy lifting drink in the movie version of the story.

[29:08] It doesn't make any sense to me.

[29:09] Like, oh, I guess because he burped his way out of trouble, he gets to make his way to the end and claim the prize, even though he, too, failed Mr. Wonka's test.

Stuart Wellington

[29:20] And I would say every time I try to burp my way out of trouble, I get thrown out of that apple piece.

[29:27] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[29:28] The apple piece that Dan is outside of with a pile of pancakes.

[29:31] And I bump into Dan and then he gets mad that I ruined his photo.

[29:36] But it's true.

[29:37] None of the other kids ever had a chance to give back that everlasting gobstopper.

[29:41] Exactly.

[29:42] And win the prize.

[29:43] And you know that Willy Wonka planned for Charlie to get his head chopped off in those blades the same way that Violet Beauregard is dead.

[29:50] Let's just face it.

[29:51] Veruca Salt, she fell into the furnace.

[29:53] She's definitely dead.

[29:54] And Augustus Gloop, he drowned in chocolate.

[29:56] You know he's dead.

[29:57] What a way to go, right?

[29:58] And Mike TV, not dead, but he is miniaturized.

[30:01] He's the size of a troll doll.

[30:03] So his life is effectively –

[30:05] You have to stretch him out.

[30:05] And you know that's not going to look good.

[30:07] I had a tweet about this recently that at the end of the book, there's a scene where all the kids come out and it's like, oh, they're okay.

[30:13] Mike TV is all stretched out and Violet Beauregard is still purple, but she's no longer the size of a berry and everything.

[30:18] But in the movie, it's just like, fuck it.

[30:20] Those kids are candy.

[30:21] Forget about them.

[30:22] You'll never see them again.

[30:23] Who cares?

[30:23] Leave them behind you.

[30:25] So that's why Charlie Bucket's at number five.

[30:27] Charlie, try a little harder, okay?

[30:29] Talk about privilege.

[30:30] Anyway, so I'm real mad about him now.

[30:32] Why is he not at number 10?

[30:33] Anyway, let's go to number four before I get even angrier.

[30:37] Let's talk about somebody who did earn everything that they accomplished with no help from anybody else except for the fine people at Federal Express.

[30:45] It's number four, Chuck Noland from Cast Away.

[30:48] Tom Hanks' beloved character of Chuck Noland.

[30:51] We all know his name.

[30:52] His name is Chuck Noland.

[30:53] Everyone's favorite.

[30:54] It's not Cast Away.

[30:56] It's Chuck Noland.

[30:58] Everyone's like, did you see that movie, Chuck Noland?

[31:00] And I'm like, you mean Cast Away?

[31:01] And so why is he on the list?

[31:03] Talk about a guy who can do everything.

[31:05] Make fire, spear a fish, home dentistry with an ice skate.

[31:09] He is the best.

[31:10] He's just the best all around Charlie when it comes to skills.

[31:13] Why is he on at number four?

[31:15] Look, it's a tough competition.

[31:17] Maybe he would have made it farther if he hadn't insisted on bringing that gross, filthy volleyball with him everywhere.

[31:22] It's off-putting.

[31:23] It's just not nice.

[31:24] It's not okay.

[31:25] It's weird.

[31:26] Guys, what do you think about Chuck Noland in Cast Away?

[31:29] You're looking at a picture of Tom Hanks right there.

[31:31] He's in great shape, long beard.

[31:33] He looks like Charlton Heston at the end of Planet of the Apes.

[31:36] What do you guys think?

Stuart Wellington

[31:37] Yeah, yeah.

[31:37] Ideal body.

[31:40] You know, guys, I got to admit to something.

[31:43] I've never seen Cast Away.

Elliott Kalan

[31:45] Oh, Cast Away is, I haven't seen it in years.

[31:48] I think it's a good movie.

[31:50] It's like, if you're going to see a movie about a guy on a deserted island, this is the movie to see.

Stuart Wellington

[31:54] I'm sure.

[31:55] I just, for whatever reason, I missed it when it first came around.

[31:58] And then I just never was like, fuck it.

[32:00] I want to watch Cast Away.

Elliott Kalan

[32:02] I understand that.

[32:03] And it's directed by Robert Zemeckis.

[32:05] So you know that eventually he's going to do a remake where Tom Hanks has motion capture spots all over him.

[32:10] And it's just going to be a CGI guy on a CGI desert island with a CGI volleyball.

[32:15] Dan, what's your opinion about Cast Away and Chuck Noland?

[32:17] Are you surprised he's so high on the list?

[32:19] Number four.

[32:20] Keep in mind, it's Tom Hanks.

Dan McCoy

[32:22] I mean, look.

[32:23] Tom Hanks, America's dad, the one competent man left in the world.

[32:28] We've dreamed him up for movies, but he just—

Elliott Kalan

[32:31] He went from being—you look at Tom Hanks, he went from being America's wacky, lovable son to America's, like, older brother to America's dad.

[32:38] And someday he's going to be America's grandpa and then America's ghost.

[32:41] And we're going to love him every step of the way.

Stuart Wellington

[32:43] I mean, he's already kind of America's grandpa.

Elliott Kalan

[32:47] Yeah, that's true.

[32:48] Actually, he probably is a grandpa.

[32:49] He's Sully.

[32:50] I imagine of all—

[32:51] He's Colonel Tom Parker.

[32:53] Because the highest—

[32:54] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[32:55] That's true.

[32:55] He is Colonel Tom Parker.

[32:56] The most lovable grandpa of all, the snowman himself, Colonel Tom Parker.

Elliott Kalan

[33:01] The highest compliment—I said once, the highest compliment that American can bestow on you is to have Tom Hanks play you in a movie.

[33:07] And the worst insult is to have Al Pacino play you in an HBO original movie.

[33:12] Yeah.

[33:13] That's when you know you're truly one of the dregs in society.

[33:16] But, Dan, what were you going to say about T. Hanks?

Dan McCoy

[33:18] Oh, I mean, like, he's, you know, the consummate professional.

[33:21] He delivers a package, albeit, you know, four years late.

[33:26] But that's not his fault.

[33:28] He got the job done.

[33:29] And usually people say that a man who does his own dentistry has a fool for a dentist.

[33:34] But this man, I think, you know, handled himself well.

[33:37] That is a famous saying.

[33:38] Yeah.

[33:39] Wayne Gretzky said, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[33:43] Look, you miss 100% of the teeth, you don't hit.

[33:46] Yeah.

[33:47] So, there you go.

[33:49] So, yeah, he's, anyway, that's why he's at number four.

[33:51] You can't get any better than Chuck Nolans.

[33:53] Or can you?

[33:54] Because he's number four.

[33:55] It's time to go on to number three.

[33:56] Theoretically, you can.

[33:57] Any other predictions?

[33:58] You guys have any other predictions for what the next Charlie is?

Dan McCoy

[34:02] Have you?

[34:03] Is there anyone that you're missing, Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[34:05] Yeah.

[34:05] He hasn't said Charlie from the Critters franchise.

Elliott Kalan

[34:10] Stuart, that could be the next one.

[34:13] Survey, show me Charlie from the Critters franchise.

[34:16] Oh, no, it's Charles Foster Kane.

[34:17] I'm so sorry, Stuart.

[34:18] That's so similar.

[34:19] Number three.

Stuart Wellington

[34:21] Charles Foster Kane isn't a, like, a local yokel who becomes an alien bounty hunter, right?

Elliott Kalan

[34:29] No, he's a local yokel kid who becomes a millionaire and the power goes to his head and he eventually

[34:34] becomes a recluse who just lives in a castle with a menagerie around him.

[34:38] So, close.

[34:39] Yeah, similar.

[34:40] Very close.

[34:41] So, Charles Foster Kane, why is he on the list?

[34:43] He's so charismatic.

[34:44] He's so historically important.

[34:46] And he built an opera house.

[34:47] And how many of us can say we built an opera house in our lives?

Dan McCoy

[34:51] Dan?

[34:52] Fitzcarraldo probably could say it.

[34:54] Barely.

Elliott Kalan

[34:55] He tried to pull a boat over a mountain and it did not work.

[34:58] So, Fitzcarraldo, sorry, sit down.

[35:01] Sitscarraldo.

[35:02] Actually, I want to do it.

[35:03] Sitscarraldo.

[35:04] Yeah.

[35:05] I want to do it.

[35:06] I wanted to do it David Spade style.

[35:08] I go, everyone who built an opera house, take one step forward.

[35:12] Not so fast, Fitzcarraldo.

[35:16] I know I didn't build an opera house.

[35:18] Sure, did he do it for the wrong reasons?

[35:20] Possibly he was trying to create an opera career for his second wife, Susan Alexander

[35:24] Kane, who is not a great singer.

[35:26] But, look, it's a great movie.

[35:29] It's in deep focus.

[35:30] Why is he at number three?

[35:31] I know.

Stuart Wellington

[35:32] I know why he's at number three.

[35:33] Because Orson Welles was in the fucking third man.

Elliott Kalan

[35:36] That's a great reason.

[35:38] And I'll go with it.

[35:39] It wasn't my original reason.

[35:40] But, yeah, it's perfect.

[35:42] Because Orson Welles was the third man.

[35:44] I know.

[35:44] And he's Susan Kane.

[35:45] Yeah.

[35:45] And that's also why Charles Foster Kane is my evilest touch.

Stuart Wellington

[35:49] I just wanted to point out that if everybody who's listening just thought I was a dummy

[35:53] who liked critters, I also know the third man.

[35:56] Duh.

Elliott Kalan

[35:58] Stuart knows two things.

[36:00] He knows 80s monster gross-out movies.

[36:03] Yeah.

[36:03] And he knows zither soundtracks.

Dan McCoy

[36:05] He's not just a hot piece of beef, this guy.

[36:08] No.

Elliott Kalan

[36:09] He also knows his post-war noir.

[36:12] His post-war Vienna set noir.

[36:14] Okay, guys.

[36:16] Also, I want to say to him every time I watch the movie, Charles Foster Kane, if you want

[36:19] to sled, just go down to the basement and get it.

[36:22] Come on, guy.

[36:23] You can go sledding.

[36:24] No one's going to make fun of you.

[36:25] You're rich.

[36:25] Okay, number two.

[36:27] Guys, this is going to be a shocking upset.

[36:30] I'm looking at the results here.

[36:31] I don't know how the audience is going to take this.

[36:33] We actually have a tie for number two.

[36:36] Who could have foreseen it coming?

[36:38] Charlie and Uncle Charlie from the movie Shadow of a Doubt.

[36:42] It's Charlotte, Charlie Newton, and Uncle Charlie Oakley.

[36:48] Of course, Charlotte is Charlie, Teresa Wright, and Uncle Charlie is her uncle.

[36:54] Joseph Cotton, also of Citizen Kane fame.

[36:57] Mm-hmm.

[36:58] It's a Citizen Kane twofer, number three and number two, because only one of them is a character

[37:01] for Citizen Kane.

[37:03] Why are they on the list?

[37:04] Well, they're the stars of my second favorite movie, Shadow of a Doubt.

[37:07] First favorite movie, everybody knows it, taking a Pelham on two, three.

[37:09] My second favorite movie is Shadow of a Doubt.

[37:11] I made my wife go with me to the shooting locations, because they're in Santa Rosa, California,

[37:16] near her hometown.

[37:17] Yeah, and how'd she like that?

[37:19] It was early enough in the relationship that she found it charming.

[37:22] Now, I think she would be annoyed by it, especially because we'd have to bring the kids with us.

[37:26] And, of course, my number three favorite movie, The Miracle of Morgan's Creek, I don't think

[37:30] has anyone named Charlie in it, so it was ineligible for this competition.

Dan McCoy

[37:33] Yeah, but for your Morgan's list.

[37:36] Oh, oh, it's top.

[37:37] Top.

[37:38] Yeah, and then...

[37:38] Yeah.

[37:39] What else do you got for that?

Elliott Kalan

[37:41] Well, there's Did You Hear About the Morgans?

[37:43] That's got to be on there.

[37:45] And who can forget...

Dan McCoy

[37:46] There's that...

[37:48] Oh, something Morgan.

[37:50] It's like a...

[37:52] It's a teen movie from like the 80s or 90s.

[37:55] What am I thinking of?

[37:56] Probably.

[37:58] O.J. and Stiggs?

[37:59] Yeah, I was thinking of O.J. and Stiggs.

Elliott Kalan

[38:02] Or is it O...

[38:03] Is that the name of the movie, or is it something else?

[38:05] I forgot.

Dan McCoy

[38:05] Morgan Stewart's Coming Home, starring John Pryor.

[38:08] That's what I was thinking of.

[38:10] That one.

Elliott Kalan

[38:10] So why was he coming home?

[38:11] Why was it such a big deal?

Dan McCoy

[38:13] Let's see.

Elliott Kalan

[38:14] And was this before or after Roxy Carmichael was welcomed home?

Dan McCoy

[38:18] According to IMDb, the plot of this is a free-spirited teenager attempts to get back in touch with his overly conservative parents after returning home from years away at a boarding school.

Elliott Kalan

[38:29] Oh, and I'm remembering just now it's O.C. and Stiggs.

[38:31] O.J. and Stiggs is, of course, O.J. Simpson when he was briefly going to star in that movie.

Dan McCoy

[38:35] Briefly friends with Stiggs.

[38:37] Yeah.

[38:37] The other character from that film.

Elliott Kalan

[38:39] And that's what really drove O.J. down the wrong side of the tracks was Stiggs.

[38:44] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[38:45] So, wait, the creek is number one in your Morgan's presentation.

[38:50] Yes.

[38:51] The creek itself.

[38:52] The creek from Miracle Morgan's.

[38:53] So it managed to beat out Helen Mirna as Morgana from Excalibur.

Elliott Kalan

[38:59] That's number two.

[39:00] Number three, of course, is the whatever one Dan just mentioned.

Dan McCoy

[39:05] There's a movie called Girl Slaves of Morgana Le Fay.

[39:08] I don't know how that would play.

[39:10] Sounds good.

[39:10] No.

Elliott Kalan

[39:11] I mean, there's already one Morgana Le Fay on the list.

[39:14] It's Helen Mirna in Excalibur.

[39:16] So, anyway, why are Charlie and Uncle Charlie on here?

[39:18] Well, it's my second favorite movie.

[39:19] They've got a telepathic uncle-niece connection, which that goes without saying.

[39:22] It's pretty amazing in my book.

[39:24] Why are they not in the top spot?

[39:25] Well, we've seen it so many times in this kind of competition.

[39:29] Lack of teamwork.

[39:31] After Charlie learns that Uncle Charlie is a murderer, he tries to kill her a couple times.

[39:35] That's not the way to win, folks.

[39:37] You've got to work together.

[39:38] Look, you've got to be uniters and not dividers.

[39:40] This America, we've got enough problems.

[39:42] Let's not go killing our nieces just because they found out that we are the Mary Widow murderer.

[39:47] Spoilers for the movie Shadow of a Doubt.

[39:48] You should still watch it.

[39:49] It's an amazing movie.

[39:50] Thornton Wilder worked on the screenplay.

[39:52] Come on, everybody.

[39:53] One of America's greatest playwrights.

[39:56] Maybe the greatest.

[39:57] That's a controversial statement.

[39:58] So let's move on to number one.

[39:59] Guys, who could be at the number one spot?

[40:03] What Charlie in the movies could be?

[40:06] And again, and Stuart, I hate to burst your bubble.

[40:07] It's not Charlie from-

[40:09] It's not Charlie from-

[40:10] Is it restricted to-

[40:13] Fucking bullshit.

[40:13] Character names?

[40:15] Like, not actor names?

[40:17] It is only character names.

[40:18] That's why Charlie Chaplin's not on the list.

[40:20] Otherwise, I mean-

Stuart Wellington

[40:21] Now, knowing Elliot's taste, it might be Dane Cook from the movie Good Luck Chuck.

Elliott Kalan

[40:28] That's a huge guess.

[40:31] That is, of course, my zero-th favorite movie.

[40:33] I'm both taking a pill in one, two, three.

Dan McCoy

[40:36] Is it Charlie Brown from A Boy Named Charlie Brown?

[40:40] Oh, that's a good one.

Elliott Kalan

[40:41] Dan, it's Charlie Brown from Race For Your Life, Charlie Brown.

[40:43] Oh, okay.

[40:44] It's the same Charlie Brown.

[40:46] It's okay.

[40:47] Yeah, I know.

Stuart Wellington

[40:47] Wow, Dan got so bummed.

Elliott Kalan

[40:49] Dan, when I said it's Charlie Brown, he started pumping his fist.

[40:54] And then I said from Race For Your Life, Charlie Brown, he lowered his fist in his gut.

Stuart Wellington

[40:57] He got up and he started doing that weird sideways dance that the kids do in Peanuts cartoons.

[41:03] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[41:04] I just feel like it's a lesser iteration of the character, but it's still fun.

Elliott Kalan

[41:08] Dan, I thought you'd be excited, but I didn't realize I would ruin your day by choosing the wrong Charlie Brown movie.

[41:15] Please forgive me.

[41:17] Why did I choose Race For Your Life, Charlie Brown?

[41:19] Dan, I've got a good reason.

[41:20] It was the one I could find the best high-res image of to put on this slide.

[41:25] So if you want it to be from a boy named Charlie Brown, go ahead.

Dan McCoy

[41:27] Can I talk about the fact that the poster has the Peanuts gang is about to go over a waterfall.

[41:35] And Charlie Brown is yelling out, and his word balloon, what he's yelling out is,

[41:39] it's my new wilderness adventure.

[41:41] The entire Peanuts gang faces everything.

[41:43] Peanuts in quotes.

[41:45] The entire Peanuts gang faces everything from bullies to rampaging rapids.

[41:51] Quote, good grief, will you have fun?

[41:54] So in his last moments, Charlie Brown wants to promote his latest film.

[42:00] Gotta push that product.

Elliott Kalan

[42:02] Gotta put ABH, always be hustling, you know, got it out there.

[42:05] You'll notice also that Snoopy does not seem at all bothered.

[42:09] He's about to go for a waterfall.

Stuart Wellington

[42:10] And you know, yeah, Charlie Brown is really the model for the modern grind set.

Elliott Kalan

[42:16] That's it.

[42:16] Always hustling.

[42:18] Always hustling.

[42:19] And why is he on the list?

[42:21] Come on, he's iconic.

[42:23] Yeah.

[42:23] He loves animals.

[42:24] He's got a great shirt.

[42:25] Cool hairstyle.

[42:26] And he's not afraid to just tell the universe what he wants.

[42:29] He never gives up.

[42:31] You've got to admire a boy who can manage his dog to being the mascot of an entire insurance company.

[42:36] Again, I've never built an opera house.

[42:39] My dog was never the mascot of an insurance company.

[42:41] And I tried.

[42:42] Lord how I tried.

[42:43] And so that's, he's got to be the number one Charlie.

[42:46] Dan, tell us a little bit about your relationship with Charlie Brown.

[42:49] And talk to us about a boy named Charlie Brown.

[42:51] Why not?

[42:52] Why is that the better of the two?

Dan McCoy

[42:53] Well, I, I mean, Charlie Brown, I feel.

[42:57] Defend your, defend your disappointment, Dan.

[42:59] Come on.

[43:00] Uh, I mean, I don't think it's any surprise that I, I feel a certain personal connection to

[43:05] Charlie Brown, both, uh, because I am a fan of comics, but specifically old, uh, you know,

[43:14] newspaper strips done by people who have long since passed.

[43:18] Um, and, but also.

Elliott Kalan

[43:20] That's why you're, you're always, you're, he's always texting me pictures he took of

[43:24] Barney Google comics.

[43:25] And he's like, check out what the Goog got up for this time.

Dan McCoy

[43:29] Great googly, woogly.

[43:31] This Goog is good.

Elliott Kalan

[43:33] And the number, the number of times when Dan and I have been, I've been like, Dan, what's

[43:37] wrong?

[43:37] You seem really down.

[43:38] And he's like, I was just thinking how the strip went Dan downhill when Snuffy Smith took

[43:42] over.

[43:43] And I'm like, I guess.

[43:45] But I mean, that happened.

[43:46] Dan, that happened like a hundred years ago.

[43:48] Why are you mad about it now?

Dan McCoy

[43:50] But Nancy, I liked it better when it was, was Fritzie Ritz.

[43:55] A flapper.

Elliott Kalan

[43:56] Now, Stuart, what are your thoughts about Charlie Brown at number one?

[43:58] Are you surprised?

[43:59] Are you excited?

[44:00] Do you feel like belief is possible now?

Stuart Wellington

[44:03] I obviously, I think my thoughts on who should have been on this list have been made pretty

[44:09] clear based on what I've already said.

[44:11] However, I feel like Charlie from the Critters franchise has a lot in common with Charlie Brown.

[44:16] They're both kind of lovable losers who keep trying and they keep hoping for something better.

[44:21] And Charlie Brown's iconic.

[44:23] Even though, as a kid, when I would read Peanuts comics, I was mainly looking forward to the more Snoopy forward stuff, Red Baron, or the occasional appearance of Joe Cool.

Elliott Kalan

[44:36] I mean, which is Snoopy.

[44:37] It's just, that's Snoopy.

[44:38] What?

[44:39] I hate to break it to you.

[44:40] The same way that some, I had to break it to someone.

Stuart Wellington

[44:43] But no, he's wearing like, it's a dog with sunglasses on.

[44:46] Snoopy doesn't have sunglasses.

Elliott Kalan

[44:49] Stuart, I know, you're shocked.

[44:51] Snoopy can occasionally put on sunglasses to become his alter ego.

[44:54] I recently had to explain to someone, and this is true.

[44:57] This is true.

[44:59] I recently had to explain to a coworker that Steve Urkel and Stefan Urkel were the same character.

[45:04] Really?

[45:05] Yeah.

[45:05] They thought that it was like his cool cousin or something like that.

[45:08] And they're like, they couldn't come up with another name.

[45:10] It's the same, look, it's the same guy.

Dan McCoy

[45:12] I mean, I'm assuming, though, that this is a person who had heard about these Family Matters characters, you know, like second or third hand, rather than someone who had seen Family Matters and been confused.

Elliott Kalan

[45:24] Dan, Dan, I shouldn't be saying this in public.

[45:27] It was Jaleel White that I was talking to.

[45:28] Wow.

[45:29] Wow.

[45:30] If anyone should know.

[45:32] If anyone.

[45:32] I wonder, do you think Snoopy had to go into Urkel's cool machine to come out as Joe Cool?

[45:37] Yeah.

[45:38] When he put on the sunglasses, that cool part of him just came out, you know, that professor style.

Stuart Wellington

[45:43] Actually, yeah, it's tough.

[45:44] I mean, I think, yeah, that it's some kind of like a magical fetter or something that, like a talisman that allows him to kind of change shape and charisma, all these things.

Elliott Kalan

[45:55] Yeah.

[45:55] What's amazing is that Snoopy could act so cool when the sunglasses were showing him that everyone except Charlie Brown was an alien.

[46:01] I know.

[46:02] And that all their houses were plastered with signs that said, consume, obey.

[46:06] All that kind of stuff.

[46:07] You know that Marcy and Sally were both agents from the aliens that were taken over.

Dan McCoy

[46:13] Yeah.

[46:13] Eventually, anyone who understands what we're talking about will die.

Elliott Kalan

[46:18] Dan, that's, I mean, we're all going to die eventually, Dan.

[46:21] That's true of anybody.

[46:22] But I feel like we're closer.

[46:22] Hopefully our number one fan, Joe Carpenter, who's listening, will never die.

[46:27] Yeah.

[46:27] Hopefully not.

[46:29] I'll never forget his movie, They Live, Charlie Brown, which is so much fun.

[46:36] Now I want someone, fan, some fan out there, please make me some kind of image for They Live, Charlie Brown.

[46:42] It can be Snoopy trying to get Charlie Brown to put on those sunglasses and they've got a long fight.

[46:47] It could be Schroeder as the homeless guy turned rich man at the end who's trying to convince Charlie Brown to join up with the aliens.

[46:56] It could be anything.

[46:57] Just go for it.

Stuart Wellington

[46:58] It could be as an alien holding the football, you know.

[47:00] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[47:01] Linus is the alien having sex with the lady going, what's wrong, baby, at the very end.

Dan McCoy

[47:06] See, now I had to come up with, I had to look up movie titles that start with It's for Charlie Brown.

[47:13] It's a Mad, Mad, Mad World, Charlie Brown.

[47:16] It's Alive, Charlie Brown.

Elliott Kalan

[47:18] Oh, that's great, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[47:19] It's Such a Beautiful Day, Charlie Brown, of course.

Elliott Kalan

[47:21] It's a Wonderful Life, Charlie Brown.

[47:23] There you go.

[47:23] That is kind of what Charlie Brown, I mean, if there's any character who is Charlie Brown in the

[47:27] movies, though, it's Jimmy Stewart and it's a Wonderful Life.

[47:29] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[47:29] It's all gone Pete Tong, Charlie Brown.

[47:31] That's hilarious.

Elliott Kalan

[47:35] And then, of course, there's also It's the Great Pumpkin, Roxy Carmichael.

[47:39] It's a gift, Charlie Brown.

Dan McCoy

[47:42] Charlie Brown's just, like, staring at, like, a wrapped box on the cover.

[47:49] And I don't know, Frida has to explain.

[47:53] He's never got one, because he's, you know, shunned.

[47:56] It follows Charlie Brown.

[47:59] It follows Charlie Brown.

[48:01] Ooh.

Elliott Kalan

[48:02] Uh-oh.

[48:03] And then, of course, just It Part 2, Charlie Brown, which is a confusing title.

[48:11] Well.

[48:12] Yeah.

[48:12] Oh, Dan, what were you saying?

[48:13] Do you have another It Plus?

[48:14] Oh, no.

Dan McCoy

[48:14] I just imagine, you know, that's just someone showing It to Charlie Brown.

Elliott Kalan

[48:20] There's got to be, again, there's got to be a Charlie Brown It mashup where the kids in

[48:24] that movie are Charlie Brown.

[48:26] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[48:27] It's, uh, don't they hit him with a baseball bat at the end and everything?

[48:30] Like, that's, Charlie Brown's all about baseball.

Dan McCoy

[48:32] I mean, the internet's too big for that not to be a thing.

Elliott Kalan

[48:35] Yeah.

[48:35] The internet's too big.

[48:36] And there's room enough on the internet for both the It Charlie Brown and the They Live

[48:41] Charlie Brown to coexist.

Stuart Wellington

[48:42] I'm sure that now that you, dear listener, are listening to us talk about this shit, your

[48:47] Facebook algorithm is going to suggest t-shirts that are mashups of It and Charlie Brown.

[48:52] Yeah.

[48:53] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[48:54] Well, everybody, thanks for joining us on this amazing tour of movie Charlies, the 11 best

[49:00] movie Charlies.

[49:01] I want to give a special thanks to my nephew, Charlie.

[49:05] Of course, he is in England, so by the time we're recording this, it's actually the day

[49:08] after his birthday since we're recording this at night.

[49:10] So, sorry for being a day.

[49:12] And, of course, this will be released several days after his birthday.

Dan McCoy

[49:14] But, you know, they may be in the middle of their, you know, post-birthday blues, and

[49:19] this will cheer up, Charlie.

Elliott Kalan

[49:21] I mean, oh, that's very sweet of you.

[49:23] That's a good, yeah, that's a good reference to the song.

[49:26] He is way too young to listen to this.

[49:28] He shouldn't be listening.

[49:29] He hasn't even seen Critters yet.

[49:30] I don't want to spoil anything for him.

[49:33] But thanks to you, the listener, for listening.

[49:36] We are, of course, a product of the MaxFun Network.

[49:38] There's lots of great shows on the MaxFun Network.

[49:40] Go listen to them.

[49:41] Why not become a pledger if you want?

[49:43] You don't have to wait until MaxFun Drive.

[49:44] You can do it right now if you want to.

[49:46] I also want to thank our editor, Alex Smith, a.k.a.

[49:48] Howell Dottie.

[49:50] And go check out his Fast Track podcast.

[49:54] It's super fun.

[49:55] And, Dan, do we have anything else that we usually promote?

[49:59] No, that's about it.

[50:00] People will thank?

[50:01] All right.

[50:02] Until then, until then, I haven't even said what we're doing.

[50:05] We'll be back next week.

[50:06] We'll be back next week with a, quote, regular, unquote, episode of The Flophouse,

[50:10] where we'll be talking about another Shocktober horror classic, question mark?

[50:16] Until then, now until then makes sense, now that I've said a thing that's happening in the future.

[50:20] Until then, I've been your special driver for tonight, Elliot Kalin.

Dan McCoy

[50:25] I've been your baby driver for tonight, Dan McCoy.

[50:29] And I've been your drive-angry, Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[50:32] I thought you were going to be our mini driver.

[50:34] I apologize, everyone at home.

[50:36] You did not get a mini driver this episode.

[50:38] Sorry.

[50:40] Thanks for listening, and happy birthday, Charlie.

[50:42] Goodbye.

[50:42] Bye.

[50:48] MaximumFun.org

John Hodgman

[50:50] Comedy and culture.

[50:52] Artist owned.

[50:53] Audience supported.

FH Mini 65 - The Goofs About Charlie

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