FH Mini 78 - Don't Mess With Taxes

[0:00] Hello, everybody. Welcome to the Flophouse mini episode. What is the Flophouse? It's a podcast

Elliott Kalan

[0:09] about bad movies. What is a Flophouse mini episode? It is a smaller version of that podcast

[0:14] where instead of talking about one particular bad movie, we do whatever we want. I'll be your,

[0:20] let's say, host for this evening, if you're listening to it during the evening, or this

[0:24] morning, if you're listening to it this morning, or the middle of the day, if you're listening

[0:29] to it, let me just hold on. Let me just do what voiceover artists have to do when they record

[0:33] voices in their character for a talking clock and do every single permutation of every time.

[0:39] I just remember hearing Dave Foley had to do that for the Flick Bugs Life clock. He recorded

[0:45] an entire day of 1111, 1112, 1113. And then he gave all those royalties to his wife in Canada.

[0:53] Yeah, his royalty is for time. Yeah. Because he invented a couple numbers in there. Anyway,

[0:58] I'm your co-host, Elliot Kalin, and joining me are my co-hosts, and their names are...

[1:03] Dan McCoy.

[1:04] Stuart Wellington.

[1:06] We've got a fun mini set up for you today. But first, I wanted to remind you that you have a chance

[1:10] to see us, the three guys whose voices you just heard, Elliot Kalin, Dan McCoy, and Stuart Wellington.

[1:14] What can we possibly look like?

[1:16] You'll save yourself.

[1:16] You can see what we look like. We can see how we've aged since the last time you've seen a picture of us

[1:20] by buying a ticket to our streaming event on April 22nd.

[1:25] That's right.

[1:26] We did a show in Brooklyn about Battlefield Earth.

[1:28] Usually when we do those shows, you don't get to see them unless you're there in person.

[1:32] But this time, you can buy a ticket to watch the video of the event,

[1:36] professionally shot, professionally edited so it looks nice,

[1:39] professionally presented over streaming so it's not our usual just kind of a Zoom room that people

[1:44] pile into.

Stuart Wellington

[1:45] Yeah, you don't have to...

[1:46] You don't just look at Elliot's garage.

Elliott Kalan

[1:48] No, not at all.

[1:49] Or the virtual background I've put up to replace my garage since my garage looks like a place where

[1:54] you would kidnap somebody.

[1:55] If you go to flophousepodcast.com slash stream, you can buy not just a ticket to our streaming video,

[2:01] which premieres April 22nd at 7 p.m. Eastern, and we will be in the chat for that video watching.

[2:07] You will be watching it with us as we talk about it to you in the chat.

Dan McCoy

[2:11] And we'll be remembering what we said in real time because, honestly, when I get up on stage,

[2:17] I go into sort of a fugue state and I don't recall any of it.

Elliott Kalan

[2:20] It doesn't show at all.

[2:21] So you'll get to see us respond and react to what we were saying.

[2:25] But if you can't make it for the premiere event, buy a ticket and you'll be able to watch the video

[2:28] for quite a while afterwards.

[2:30] There's a window of, I think, what, a week, two weeks?

Dan McCoy

[2:33] I think it's till May 7th.

[2:35] Till May 7th.

[2:35] But all of the information about that is on the website.

Elliott Kalan

[2:38] So go to flophousepodcast.com slash stream.

[2:41] You can buy tickets to see that, to see that video and to join us for the premiere event

[2:44] where we'll be in the chat text box chatting with you.

[2:46] You can also buy tickets for a special VIP meet and greet with us.

[2:51] You'll get your chance over the computer to see us face-to-face and talk to us face-to-face

[2:56] for a few minutes and have a special moment with us that you can cherish forever

[3:00] and share with your grandchildren the same way that the recent news of the death of Al Jaffe was made

[3:05] a little bit less painful to me by remembering that I met him once for a minute,

[3:09] very briefly, in the Daily Show offices.

[3:12] Did we have—

Stuart Wellington

[3:12] Shortly before his death.

Elliott Kalan

[3:13] No, no.

[3:14] It was this.

[3:15] This was like 20 years before his death.

[3:17] He was already an old man, but he was not as old.

[3:21] You get the chance to buy that ticket for that VIP meet and greet experience.

[3:24] It'll be great.

[3:25] We'll get to talk to you about whatever you want to talk about.

[3:27] Or you can buttonhole us.

Dan McCoy

[3:29] You can buttonhole us and be like, who do you think you are?

[3:32] Yeah.

[3:32] What makes you so good?

[3:33] And we'll be like, I don't know.

[3:34] I don't, frankly, honestly.

[3:36] Could you tell us?

Elliott Kalan

[3:37] You can buttonhole us or butthole us since that's—

[3:40] What?

[3:41] Since we can—

[3:42] Buttholes surf us.

[3:43] Oh, yeah.

[3:44] You could butthole surf us.

[3:45] We're talking about cats buttholes.

[3:46] What are we committing to right now?

[3:48] Yeah, I don't know.

[3:49] We've gone down a weird path.

[3:50] Don't worry.

[3:50] It's all over the computer.

[3:51] Don't worry.

[3:51] It's the same kind of stuff that you want to do on the computer just, you know, for one

[3:55] person instead of a vast teeming sea of millions.

[3:58] And you can also buy great-looking new exclusive Flophouse merchandise.

[4:01] I'm excited about it.

[4:02] There's a pint glass on there.

[4:03] There's a new shirt.

[4:04] There's pins.

[4:05] They all look great.

[4:06] And so if you go to flophousepodcast.com slash stream, you can buy any merchandise you want.

[4:12] You can buy the tickets you want.

[4:14] You can buy extra tickets for the VIP meet-and-greet to meet and talk to us and buttonhole us or

[4:19] surf our buttholes.

[4:20] I don't know exactly how it would work online, but, you know, we'll figure it out.

[4:23] That's Battlefield Earth, Brooklyn style, the Flophouse.

[4:27] Finally, you can see our live show complete with all the presentations that you normally don't

[4:31] get to see if the episode's audio is released in our feed.

[4:34] And that's April 22nd, 7 p.m.

[4:36] That will be there for the premiere event.

[4:38] Flophousepodcast.com slash stream.

[4:39] Dan, what did you want to say?

Dan McCoy

[4:40] Oh, I just wanted to clarify something.

[4:42] There was someone on Twitter wondering where the merch was.

[4:44] I think it shows up after you are sort of like in the process of buying tickets.

[4:49] It's not just like a separate, you know, it's not like a regular store.

[4:52] It is like tied to the stream.

[4:55] But if you're confused looking for the merch, I think it comes in later in the process.

[5:00] I don't know what the front end of this thing looks like.

[5:04] I'll be frank.

[5:04] But I believe that.

Elliott Kalan

[5:05] Dan, as someone who loves butts, only knows what the back end of this thing looks like.

[5:08] I only know the back end.

[5:11] When you're watching the video, there will be an easy-to-notice dedicated button for buying

[5:16] that merchandise also.

[5:17] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[5:18] So that's Flophouse Battlefield Earth live event streaming event premiering April 22nd.

[5:24] Flophousepodcast.com slash stream.

[5:25] But we're not here just to promote our own stuff.

[5:27] We're here for the mini.

[5:29] And we're going to have fun today, guys, because you know what?

[5:31] This mini is being released around everyone's favorite holiday.

[5:34] What's that?

[5:34] Tax Day.

Dan McCoy

[5:36] Oh, your background, your virtual background makes more sense now.

Elliott Kalan

[5:39] Yeah, the day when we as a nation say,

[5:42] thank you, Uncle Sam, for all the things you do for us.

[5:45] Here's more of our money than we would like you to take,

[5:48] unless we're rich, in which case you will take much less of our money than you should be taking.

[5:52] Than you need.

[5:53] Yes.

[5:54] And so because this is around Tax Day,

[5:57] I wanted to take a look at the Flophouse Accountants in the Isles,

[6:02] which is the name of this game today.

[6:04] It's not a game so much as a, let's call it an opinion poll.

[6:08] As an audit.

[6:08] Yeah, I'm going to be auditing.

[6:10] Great.

[6:10] Thank you, Dan.

[6:11] I should have thought of that.

[6:12] Oh, boy.

[6:12] I really didn't think out this tax theme as quickly as I could, as well as I could.

[6:17] So I'm going to audit your feelings about several different movie accountants.

[6:21] I'm going to name an accountant from a movie,

[6:23] and you tell me, would you hire them to do your taxes?

[6:26] Oh, okay.

[6:26] First of all—

[6:27] Oh, okay.

[6:27] That's the criteria.

[6:29] Yes.

[6:29] Do you guys use accountants in your daily life?

Dan McCoy

[6:32] In my daily life?

[6:33] No.

[6:33] In my once-a-year life, yes, I have an accountant.

[6:37] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[6:38] I interact with my accountant more often than that.

[6:41] Really?

[6:41] Than once a year.

[6:42] I do, too.

[6:43] Well, yeah.

[6:44] I mean, I'm a small business owner, and I'm a professional podcaster, Dan.

[6:50] That's true.

[6:50] No, I know.

Dan McCoy

[6:51] I know.

[6:52] I mean, my—

[6:53] You know, as someone who had, like, a TV job that would have variable incomes due to residuals,

[6:59] as well as freelance stuff and the podcast, yeah, it's a complex thing to do.

Elliott Kalan

[7:03] It is, yes.

[7:04] Stuart and I, as small business owners, both of us, we talk to our accountants frequently.

[7:08] Dan, as more of a joke-writing hobo, rambling man, just roaming the country, he eventually

[7:13] makes his way to his accountant once a year and hands over his receipts that he's written

[7:16] on the backs of cans of beans.

Dan McCoy

[7:19] I don't like to think about things that stress me out.

[7:22] Some people might call it avoidant, but I just call it a way of coping that has worked

[7:28] for me.

[7:28] So I talk to my accountant as little as I can.

[7:31] But, you know, you guys are best pals to your accountants.

[7:33] It's fine.

[7:34] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[7:35] My accountant and I, we go on vacation together.

[7:36] It's fine.

[7:37] Anyway, so I'm going to name some movie accountants.

[7:38] You tell me, would you hire them?

[7:40] This is just round one.

[7:41] And there's going to be three rounds in this episode.

[7:43] And round two and round three will have some interesting twists.

[7:46] So round one, let's start off.

[7:47] Okay.

[7:48] Okay.

[7:48] There's only one accountant we can start with, and that's the accountant, Christian Wolfe,

[7:52] as played by Ben Affleck in the movie The Accountant, which we covered

[7:55] on the podcast.

[7:56] Yes.

[7:56] Yeah.

[7:56] Would you hire the accountant to be your accountant?

Dan McCoy

[7:58] I mean, his skills seem to be more in the area of shooting people than traditional

[8:04] accountancy.

[8:06] But he is fastidious.

[8:07] He's very fastidious.

[8:08] That's the whole.

[8:09] That's true.

[8:10] Kind of his whole deal.

[8:11] His neurodiversity does give him certain superpowers.

[8:14] Yeah.

[8:15] According to that movie, it does.

[8:17] Yeah.

[8:17] I don't.

[8:18] Yeah.

[8:18] Not according to other movies that he's not in, which don't say much about him.

Elliott Kalan

[8:21] No, I'm just.

[8:22] Hey, hold on a second.

[8:24] Jurassic Park, do you have any comment on The Accountant?

[8:26] No comment.

Dan McCoy

[8:27] Oh, okay.

[8:27] I'm just kind of distressed by the, like, I'm all for more neurodiversity being depicted

[8:35] in media, but it seems to have become an explosion of people thinking, like, okay, if you're on

[8:41] the autism spectrum, you have various ill-defined superpowers.

[8:45] Which, like, look, you know, people on the spectrum have, like, occasionally, like, greater

[8:51] skills in certain areas.

[8:52] It's not like it's coming out of nowhere, but, like, it is, like, a weird comic book-y

[8:57] understanding of different types of mental processes.

Elliott Kalan

[9:02] Only in that all people have various skills in different areas.

[9:04] Yes, exactly.

[9:05] And different specifications.

[9:06] So the idea that this, and the idea that their special skills is so inextricably linked to their

[9:11] neurodiversity, it feels like the positive flip side of the long period when all serial

[9:16] killers were presented as superhuman super geniuses who are constantly out-thinking everybody

[9:22] else and have elaborate plans.

[9:24] When in reality, serial killers are, you know, sad, pathetic people who do terrible things

[9:30] for their, out of perverse motives.

Dan McCoy

[9:32] Awful sexual drives that are linked with, yeah, it's horrible.

Elliott Kalan

[9:36] And very rarely are they slob.

Stuart Wellington

[9:38] Wait, they're not, like, super Moriartes?

[9:41] It's not like a...

Dan McCoy

[9:41] No, they tend to be sort of, like, you know, like, bottled rage sort of men with wire-rimmed

[9:50] glasses who I live alone and keep to themselves.

Elliott Kalan

[9:54] I mean, until the live alone part, you were kind of describing John Lennon.

[9:57] Is it possible John Lennon was a serial killer?

Dan McCoy

[10:00] Wire-rimmed glasses, bottled rage?

[10:03] Anyway, sir, would you, I would not hire, well, I mean, look, I'm not...

[10:06] So you wouldn't hire the accountant?

[10:07] I don't need my, you know, let's be, let's wink-wink, I don't need any houses to be painted

[10:13] right now.

[10:14] But maybe if I did, I would hire the accountant.

Stuart Wellington

[10:17] Why did Dan look at me when he said that?

Dan McCoy

[10:20] But not for accountancy, no.

[10:22] What would you say?

Stuart Wellington

[10:23] Yeah, I would totally hire him.

[10:25] He's super fastidious.

[10:27] It's played by the Beantown bad boy himself, Ben Affleck.

[10:31] I love him.

[10:32] Ben Bean Affleck.

[10:33] And you love beans.

[10:34] Yeah, Bean Affleck.

[10:37] Yeah, I'll give him a shot.

[10:39] I think he, you know, I think, I don't mean shot is like, I'll let him shoot me.

[10:45] Because he does shoot people, yeah.

[10:47] But maybe like, you know, I think, I'll give this guy a shot.

[10:51] Yeah.

[10:51] Why not?

Elliott Kalan

[10:52] What's the worst that'll happen?

[10:53] The worst that'll happen is you get involved in some kind of organized crime gang war, but...

[10:58] True.

[10:59] Might be a risk that you're willing to take if you can really save a lot of money in your

[11:02] taxes this year.

Stuart Wellington

[11:03] And the thing is, is like, if some of his enemies capture me and they like threaten to

[11:09] torture me to give up information, I will fold immediately.

[11:14] Yeah, that's true.

[11:15] So that's, see, that's fine.

[11:16] There's like, it's, they won't have to tear my face off because I'll give it all up already.

[11:21] They won't be like...

Elliott Kalan

[11:22] So what you're saying is you would hire the accountant, but maybe the accountant should

[11:24] not accept you as a client.

Stuart Wellington

[11:26] I would, I mean, it really depends on what he's looking for in a client.

[11:30] I mean, I'm very nice.

[11:31] I will give him coffee.

[11:33] I will, like every person in my life that I pay for a service, I will be obsessed with

[11:37] the idea that they like me even though I'm paying for them.

Elliott Kalan

[11:41] I love that life too.

[11:42] Guys, as people will know if they watch our Battlefield Earth streaming show, I have started

[11:47] to crowdsource, not my tweets, but my decision whether to tweet things or not.

[11:51] Do you think I should now tweet something about a Boston duck named Bean Affleck?

Dan McCoy

[11:56] Well, I think he needs more work.

[11:58] I think you need to come back to me once.

[12:00] Wow.

[12:00] You have a policy.

Elliott Kalan

[12:01] Well, I mean, we can all agree.

[12:02] Yeah, you come to the best.

[12:03] You come to a real killer over here on the Twitter game.

[12:06] All right.

[12:07] Okay.

[12:08] I'll come back to it.

[12:09] Maybe we'll see if I have something later in the episode.

[12:10] Spoiler, I won't.

[12:11] Let's move on to our next.

[12:12] So a split decision on that one.

[12:13] Let's move on to our next accountant.

[12:14] This one, who else would it be?

[12:16] Andy Dufresne, Tim Robbins from the Shawshank Redemption, unjustly convicted of murder,

[12:21] sent to jail.

[12:22] And it's his abilities as an accountant that gives him the opportunity to escape through

[12:28] miles of more shit and sewage and dirty diapers that I even want to think about.

[12:33] Now, okay.

[12:34] It's not a bad Morgan Freeman you just dropped on us.

[12:36] Have you been cooking that for a while?

[12:39] No, but I do.

[12:39] I am getting over a cold, so my voice is slightly deeper.

Dan McCoy

[12:42] Okay.

[12:44] So I'm not one of the IMDb voters who consistently for a while named the Shawshank Redemption

[12:51] the best movie that has ever been or shall ever be.

Elliott Kalan

[12:54] What an era of American history that was when it was widely accepted that the Shawshank Redemption

[13:00] was the greatest film of all time.

[13:01] Not a bad movie.

Dan McCoy

[13:02] A very good movie.

[13:03] No, a good movie, but a movie that I think I have seen once in its entirety and enjoyed

[13:10] and then filed away.

Elliott Kalan

[13:11] You, sir, have never stumbled on TNT in the middle of the day.

Dan McCoy

[13:14] Well, I said in its entirety.

Stuart Wellington

[13:16] Yeah, in its entirety.

[13:17] He gave him something out.

Dan McCoy

[13:18] I've probably seen bits and pieces of the Shawshank.

Stuart Wellington

[13:20] Like Andy Dufresne digging a hole through his wall, I think.

[13:23] Dan found an escape in his claws there.

[13:26] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[13:27] No, I've seen at least a part of the Shawshank Redemption at least a hundred times, but I don't.

[13:35] So he used his accountancy to trap the warden.

[13:40] Is that a thing that happened in the movie?

Elliott Kalan

[13:42] So the warden has him cook in the books at the prison, but then he manages to – he's

[13:47] able to get lots of different favors because now he is the warden's pet, and he's able

[13:51] in the end to escape, and then thanks to the rock hammer and poster that he got from Red,

[13:57] Freeman.

[13:57] And then after he escapes, he delivers the real books, the uncooked books, to the authorities,

[14:03] and that's how the warden gets found out.

[14:05] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[14:06] I mean, this sounds like some top-shelf accounting.

[14:09] I'll have to go with this guy.

[14:11] I mean, presumably he wouldn't be cooking the books if not directly asked to by a corrupt

[14:17] warden.

[14:17] So if he can use his accountancy to sort of set right the miscarriage of justice in his

[14:24] own life, I say yes.

Elliott Kalan

[14:25] And he's good with a rock hammer, which is something you want in an accountant.

[14:28] Stu, would you hire Andy Dufresne?

Stuart Wellington

[14:30] Well, he's a murderer though, right?

[14:32] Didn't he kill his wife?

[14:33] No.

Elliott Kalan

[14:33] I mean, no, technically – well, that's the thing.

[14:35] According to the legal record, just as a suspicion has fallen on Luke Skywalker for murdering

[14:40] his aunt and uncle since there's no other – there's no – that's the circumstantial

[14:43] evidence.

[14:43] According to the legal record, he was convicted of murdering his wife.

[14:46] Now, there is evidence that – there was hearsay evidence that another man secretly confessed

[14:52] of the crime.

[14:53] But that hearsay witness was, I think, murdered or transferred somewhere.

[14:58] I don't remember what happens.

[14:58] I've seen the movie probably 10 times, and I don't remember what happens to that guy.

[15:02] So as far as you know, Stuart –

Stuart Wellington

[15:03] Which one's played by William Sadler?

[15:05] William Sadler played somebody in that movie, right?

[15:07] Was he the warden?

[15:08] Was he –

[15:09] No, he wasn't the warden.

[15:11] Was he death?

[15:11] Did he play death?

Dan McCoy

[15:13] I think he was like another inmate.

[15:15] I think he wasn't.

Elliott Kalan

[15:16] He wasn't Birdie, the inmate who can't handle life on the outside.

[15:21] Yeah.

[15:22] But so what you're saying is –

Stuart Wellington

[15:24] So I would say I would totally hire him because, you know,

[15:28] the prison industrial complex in the United States is fucked up,

[15:32] and I think he deserves a shot.

Elliott Kalan

[15:34] Okay.

[15:35] I mean, and also you established by hiring Ben Affleck that you will hire murderers to do

[15:39] your accounting.

Dan McCoy

[15:40] I mean, here's a picture of William Sadler and Strauss-Nake.

[15:43] Does that –

[15:44] Why does his hair look like two little devil horns?

[15:47] Well, he's got like – he's like a center part that he's – it's underneath a cap right

[15:51] now.

Stuart Wellington

[15:51] That's not – that's a very specific costuming choice that I think works.

[15:56] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[15:57] Well, I'm glad that we could – audience, I guess, look up a picture of William Sadler

[16:01] in the Strauss-Nake Redemption.

[16:02] Look!

Dan McCoy

[16:02] Yeah, just – I mean, just Google William Sadler Strauss-Nake.

[16:05] It is the picture that will come up.

Elliott Kalan

[16:07] Okay.

[16:07] Now, speaking of criminal accountants, so Andy Dufresne is a man who has made a criminal

[16:13] accountant through circumstance.

[16:15] Here's a man – next is an accountant who similarly, through circumstance, but actively

[16:20] chooses to become a criminal accountant.

[16:22] Who else but Leo Bloom, Gene Wilder in The Producers.

[16:25] Would you hire him as your accountant?

[16:27] Now, he does set up this entire scheme where they can make more money with a flop than with

[16:31] a hit, but again, in the end, they do get caught, and he also goes to jail.

[16:35] So, it's another criminal convict accountant, but he did it this time.

Dan McCoy

[16:39] He's guilty.

[16:39] Yeah, I mean –

[16:40] Incredibly guilty, as the foreman says.

[16:42] He does not get caught, however, through a failure in accountancy.

[16:48] He gets caught because of the hit nature of the show that they have produced.

[16:53] I mean, it seems to me at the beginning of the movie that he is a very good accountant

[16:58] because he comes up with all this idea and –

Elliott Kalan

[17:02] But how good an accountant is he if he's working for Zero Mostel, Max Bialystok, who is one

[17:09] of the worst producers on Broadway?

Dan McCoy

[17:11] Yeah, a man who is whining and dining every little old lady he sees to get money for his

[17:16] flops.

Elliott Kalan

[17:19] No, I –

[17:19] And again, Dan is not in any way judging people who want to whine and dine little old

[17:23] ladies for their own sexual needs.

[17:23] No, you can do it, but he's doing it for –

Dan McCoy

[17:25] For their own romantic needs.

[17:26] Yeah, he's doing it for other more nefarious purposes.

Stuart Wellington

[17:29] Just because there's still on the roof doesn't mean there's not a fire in the hearth.

[17:34] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[17:35] I think we've overcorrected in the other direction now.

[17:40] Yeah, I say yes again.

Stuart Wellington

[17:43] So guys, I've never seen The Producers.

[17:45] What's it about?

[17:46] Really?

[17:47] You've never seen The Producers?

[17:48] Nope.

Elliott Kalan

[17:49] Is it a horror movie?

[17:51] It is not a horror movie.

[17:52] It is a – it's a comedy.

[17:53] It's a very funny movie.

[17:54] Is it a T&A comedy?

[17:56] There's a – no, not really.

[17:58] No.

[17:59] There's a sexy secretary, but – and I guess he's wearing like a bikini at one point.

[18:03] But there's no –

[18:03] Sure.

[18:03] There's not really.

[18:04] I wouldn't call it.

Dan McCoy

[18:04] Well, in the springtime for Hitler number at the end, there's a lot of like boobs covered with like pretzels and such.

[18:13] You know, so –

Stuart Wellington

[18:15] So it's like an episode of The Man Show or something.

[18:17] Do you think – do you think – so this is a question – so this is a question for Stu.

Elliott Kalan

[18:21] It's not like an episode of The Man Show.

[18:22] So there's all – Stu, you probably of course remember in The Dark Knight Returns, the bank robbing lady who has swastikas on her boobs.

[18:31] That Batman fights at one point.

[18:33] There's a scene in The Producers where – so they put on a play called Springtime for Hitler.

[18:37] I'm amazed you're not familiar with – it's a famous movie and also –

[18:40] I've heard the name.

[18:41] One of the biggest Broadway shows in history.

[18:44] But they have these dancers who have German things as, you know, boob coverings, the showgirls.

[18:50] None of them have swastika boob coverings.

[18:52] Do you think a young Frank Miller saw that in the theater and said, this is outrageous.

[18:56] Someday I'll correct the record by presenting a character who has swastikas on her boobs and did so in The Dark Knight Returns.

Stuart Wellington

[19:02] Yeah, and I mean he threw a lot of those in his various works.

[19:08] Yeah.

[19:08] If there's a ninja in one of his stories, that ninja's got a shuriken that's in the shape of a swastika, which is kind of wild.

Dan McCoy

[19:15] Did that also show up in the spirit too?

Elliott Kalan

[19:17] Like why?

[19:18] Probably, yeah.

[19:19] I mean the spirit was – if ever there was a movie where someone took source material and said, instead of doing this in the spirit, pun intended, of the original, I'm going to do it the way I would do it.

[19:29] It was that movie where Frank Miller was like, I respect Will Eisner's work so much that I will make it unrecognizable as Will Eisner's work and instead make it as Frank Miller-y as possible.

Dan McCoy

[19:38] Who played the spirit?

[19:40] Some schmo?

[19:41] I think it was like some guy who wasn't like a –

Elliott Kalan

[19:43] Yeah, he was credited as some schmo.

Dan McCoy

[19:44] Mm-hmm.

[19:45] He wasn't like a big star of any kind.

Elliott Kalan

[19:48] No, he wasn't.

[19:49] And he remains not.

[19:50] Anyway, so Stuart, you're going to say no comment because you don't know enough about Leo Bloom.

[19:55] Now what if – but you're familiar with –

Stuart Wellington

[19:56] Is he named after Leopold Bloom?

[19:59] Yes, he is.

[20:00] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[20:00] Gabriel Mockt.

[20:02] And now Stuart, I'm sure you're familiar with Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka.

[20:06] Would you hire Willy Wonka then as your accountant?

Stuart Wellington

[20:09] Well, he's got a lot of panache, but he doesn't seem – and he likes to delegate, but things – I mean there's a lot of dead children involved.

[20:22] So I'm going to say I would pass.

[20:23] I would pass on Willy Wonka as an attorney.

[20:27] Also, I feel like every time I would need to talk to him about stuff, he'd turn into a big fucking production.

Elliott Kalan

[20:32] That's true.

[20:33] There'd be a song.

[20:34] He'd pull some kind of strange prank on you.

[20:36] But it's true.

[20:36] If you're going to hire your accountant based on how few dead children are in his factory, he's not the one you want to go to.

Dan McCoy

[20:43] Oh, I was going to say you're going to run into trouble anywhere.

[20:45] That's what the problem is.

Elliott Kalan

[20:47] So this next one, I don't know if – I guess she's an accountant.

[20:50] She keeps the books at her family's business.

[20:52] This is Loretta Castorini, Cher, from Moonstruck.

[20:55] Would you hire her as your accountant?

[20:57] Well, I'm going to answer –

[20:58] Keep in mind she is in desperate need of passion in her life.

[21:03] But would you hire her as an accountant?

Dan McCoy

[21:03] Yeah, I'm going to answer for Stu and I'm going to say that he's going to say yes immediately.

[21:07] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[21:08] No questions.

Dan McCoy

[21:10] I'm obsessed.

[21:11] To hang out with Cher.

[21:13] Yes.

[21:13] And possibly more, question mark?

[21:15] Yes.

[21:16] Yeah.

[21:19] Moonstruck, another one that I saw once when I was far too young.

[21:23] I feel like I'm positive that is a movie that will hit harder and I will understand more than me seeing it as a child.

[21:30] Watch it now.

[21:31] Watch it.

Elliott Kalan

[21:31] You will love it.

[21:33] It's a great movie.

Stuart Wellington

[21:34] That's a great movie.

[21:34] I mean you watch it and you're like –

[21:36] I put it out for years not realizing how much of like –

[21:39] I think I mentioned this on the podcast before.

[21:41] But how much of it is like –

[21:42] It's basically like a Shakespearean comedy at that point.

[21:44] Yes.

[21:45] Yes, exactly.

[21:45] Like it's so good.

Elliott Kalan

[21:46] And yeah, it's a movie that you watch it and you're like,

[21:49] how did the same guy write this and write Wild Mountain Time?

[21:51] That's bonkers.

[21:53] But it reminds me –

[21:54] Dan, you should watch it.

[21:55] It's like the movie Breaking Away.

[21:57] My dad always used to tell me how good it was and I was like,

[21:59] no thanks.

[22:00] Not going to watch it if you think it's good.

[22:02] And then I finally watched it years ago and I was like,

[22:03] oh, this is a great movie.

[22:04] I really like this a lot.

[22:05] Now, you'll be happy to know that my dad and I do not see eye to eye

[22:09] on Everything Everywhere All at Once,

[22:10] which during my recent visit to New Jersey he made clear to me

[22:13] he was not a fan of.

[22:14] But that leads me to my next person.

[22:16] Would you hire yourself as your accountant?

[22:18] As in Everything Everywhere All at Once,

[22:20] a movie where a lot of their problems might have been solved

[22:23] if they had a professional accountant

[22:24] and didn't handle all of their files themselves.

Stuart Wellington

[22:27] I'm going to say no because I'm not –

[22:30] guys, I'm not going to surprise anyone here.

[22:34] I'm not that much of a numbers guy.

[22:36] You know, I'm more of like a vibes and feelings guy.

Elliott Kalan

[22:39] I feel like the only numbers you're interested in is 40,000,

[22:43] as in Warhammer 40,000.

Stuart Wellington

[22:45] The only numbers I care about are stat blocks on my units.

[22:49] I want a low armor save, low to hit roll, a high number of wounds.

Elliott Kalan

[22:55] I feel like – I love that approaching middle-aged Stuart,

[22:59] young Stuart when he was on would talk a lot about like sexy stuff on the podcast.

[23:03] Approaching middle-aged Stuart really likes to bother us

[23:06] with the minutiae of Warhammer.

Dan McCoy

[23:10] I mean, like, yeah.

[23:12] Oh, Jesus Christ.

Stuart Wellington

[23:14] I had something I wanted to say and I spaced out.

[23:16] You want to talk about what Warhammer 40,000 army you would play

[23:19] if you had the chance.

[23:20] So, Dan, yourself.

Dan McCoy

[23:21] No, I remember what it was.

[23:24] I was just imagining Stuart trying to like hand in vibes to the IRS.

[23:28] Like, do you accept these vibes?

[23:30] Like, I'm more of a vibes than a number guy,

[23:32] so what about this?

Stuart Wellington

[23:34] You're giving me a Blu-ray Criterion Collection edition of the movie vibes,

[23:39] and I'm like, it exists, I think.

[23:41] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[23:42] No, I mean, the fact that I am spending money already

[23:47] to have someone do my taxes for me because I neither –

[23:53] I mean, obviously no one wants to do them,

[23:55] but I also just don't understand and know that I would do them wrong in every way

[24:01] means that I would not hire myself as an accountant.

Stuart Wellington

[24:03] I think that's safe.

[24:04] I wouldn't do it either.

[24:05] Yeah, real quick, just anyone who is not from the United States,

[24:07] just understand that the United States tax system is intentionally overcomplicated

[24:12] so that it supports this bullshit cottage industry of accounts.

[24:16] No offense, accounts.

Elliott Kalan

[24:16] Literally every time the IRS is about to roll out a home website

[24:20] where they will provide the information you need

[24:23] and fill out the forms for you

[24:25] so that you can just basically sign it and pay,

[24:28] a huge industry of like TurboTax and things like that

[24:32] lobbies actively to kill those measures.

[24:35] The same way that there was –

[24:36] at one point there was a real push for the U.S. Weather Bureau

[24:40] to stop releasing free information that was taxpayer-funded

[24:43] because places like the Weather Channel wanted to have a monopoly on that information,

[24:47] which again they got from the government, which was taxpayer-funded.

[24:51] So that didn't –

Stuart Wellington

[24:52] This is like an episode of Last Week Tonight.

[24:55] You get your laughs.

[24:56] You get some serious shit.

[24:57] It's great.

[24:58] Where's our fucking –

Elliott Kalan

[24:59] So all of you –

[25:00] Now wait, when do we do the big production number that involves a lot of expensive costumes?

Dan McCoy

[25:05] All of you unfettered capitalism nun nuts out there who are screaming about socialism,

[25:12] this is the kind of good stuff that you are actively working against.

[25:15] We could have easy taxes, but you're like, no, the market's going to figure it out.

[25:20] The market fucks everything.

Stuart Wellington

[25:22] Was that Kermit the Frog?

[25:24] Yeah, Kermit was.

[25:25] That was libertarian Kermit.

Dan McCoy

[25:26] Yeah, Kermit was –

[25:26] That was socialist –

[25:27] That was not libertarian.

[25:28] I was against libertarianism.

[25:31] I'm saying more socialist control.

[25:32] No, no, you're not.

Elliott Kalan

[25:35] That was Kermit.

[25:36] Oh, I see.

[25:38] The character of libertarian Kermit is like,

[25:39] Piggy, don't you understand that a little smaller government means larger responsibility for everybody?

[25:45] So isn't that a little bit better?

[25:46] I feel like Piggy might be on his side on that one.

Dan McCoy

[25:50] Because you see, competition is good and invariably goes to –

[25:55] And like Piggy karate chops him at that point.

[25:58] I love that shit.

Elliott Kalan

[25:59] I'm in favor of everyone living the way they want to live as long as they want to live like me,

[26:03] a upper middle class or upper class white man who wears a polo shirt and khaki pants.

[26:08] So anyway, that's libertarian Kermit the Frog.

[26:11] I'm glad we got so political.

[26:14] We're almost done with this round.

[26:15] We're making some people angry out there.

[26:18] Yeah, there's just one person left.

[26:19] I didn't realize when I proposed this, this fun tax game that we would end up angering so many of our not left of center listeners.

[26:29] So the next one, Rick Moranis as Louis Tully in Ghostbusters.

[26:33] Are you going to hire him as your accountant?

[26:35] Keep in mind, it does mean you are instantly invited to a party at his apartment.

Stuart Wellington

[26:39] It's a pretty cool apartment building because of all the magic.

[26:44] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[26:45] Well, that party also doubles as a write-off because he only invited clients, not friends.

[26:50] Exactly.

[26:50] That sounds like a pretty good account.

[26:52] That's what I was going for.

[26:53] Yeah, that is.

Stuart Wellington

[26:54] I do.

[26:55] Now, is he a dog at this point or not a dog?

Elliott Kalan

[26:57] This is a good question, Stuart, because I was going to ask separately if you would hire him as a demon dog.

[27:02] So as a human, would you hire him?

[27:04] As a demon dog, would you hire him?

Stuart Wellington

[27:06] Well, as a demon dog, I like his confidence.

Elliott Kalan

[27:10] I mean, as regular Louis Tully, he's doing fine.

[27:14] As a demon dog, he's bagging Sigourney Weaver.

[27:17] Who's this guy?

[27:18] Yeah.

[27:19] And he'll just bust through doors and shit.

[27:22] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[27:22] So you're saying yes as a demon dog.

[27:26] Just regular Louis Tully.

[27:28] You know what?

[27:28] I'll give him a shot.

[27:29] Why not?

[27:30] You know, I'm easy.

[27:34] It's those vibes we were talking about.

Elliott Kalan

[27:36] Yeah, Stuart's all about vibes.

[27:37] And you know what?

[27:38] You should also give a shot.

[27:39] Our sponsors today.

[27:40] Dan, I believe we have some sponsors on this episode.

Dan McCoy

[27:43] Well, you know what?

[27:44] I mean, this kind of talk.

[27:45] You know, our first product is TurboTax.

[27:47] Uh-oh.

[27:49] You know, this kind of chatters, the sort of thing.

[27:51] These are the thoughts that you might have when microdosing.

[27:55] You know, because our show today is sponsored by Microdose Gummies.

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Elliott Kalan

[28:45] We're also sponsored today by Babbel.

[28:48] Now, for most of us, and I know it means for me, learning a second language in high school and in college was not what I did the best.

[28:56] In high school, I took Spanish.

[28:57] I consistently did very poorly.

[28:59] And I remember I went and asked my teacher, what could I do to be working a little better in class?

[29:04] And what she said to me was, you could learn the material.

[29:07] And that was when I stopped trying because that was not a helpful response.

[29:12] In college, I took German, which I did slightly better at.

[29:15] I was ein bisschen better at.

[29:18] Oh, wow.

[29:19] This speaks gut Deutsch.

[29:21] I know, sir, it speaks better than me.

[29:23] But anyway, I found that the way that I was learning in class was not super helpful.

[29:28] It didn't come naturally to me.

[29:30] But thankfully, there's Babbel, the language learning app that has sold more than 10 million subscriptions.

[29:34] And it's fun and it's easy.

[29:36] And you can learn a new language really, really smoothly.

[29:38] I was trying it out for this.

[29:40] And first, I decided to brush up my Spanish because living in Southern California, Spanish is a language that is very helpful to know around here.

[29:47] And I found that it was much easier for me to not only pick up new words but also to remember the words that I knew but had forgotten that didn't come to me as easily.

[29:57] When I went through the Babbel language learning programs, it's super conversational.

[30:00] It's super quick and breezy.

[30:02] And I'm really looking forward now to doing a language that I haven't learned yet at all.

[30:06] I think I'm going to try to learn Polish.

[30:08] So I'm very excited about that.

[30:09] Oh, cool. Yeah, yeah.

[30:10] Whether you're traveling abroad or connecting in a deeper way with family or you just have some free time, Babbel's 15-minute lessons make it a really easy, great, perfect way to learn a new language on the go.

[30:21] The lessons are quick.

[30:22] The lessons are very intuitive.

[30:24] And before you know it, you're speaking other language.

[30:26] Other language learning apps use AI for the lesson plans.

[30:29] Boo.

[30:30] AI, our new masters.

[30:31] Boo.

[30:32] No, thank you.

[30:33] Pope in a belly and saga coat.

[30:34] Boo.

[30:34] But Babbel lessons were created by over 100 language experts.

[30:38] And you can choose from 14 different languages.

[30:40] Languages.

[30:41] Spanish.

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[30:43] I mentioned Polish.

[30:43] And I'm excited to see if they expand into other languages.

[30:46] I would really like to keep using it to learn more languages.

Stuart Wellington

[30:48] I hope you learn Polish so it'll always feel like my grandmother is yelling at me.

Elliott Kalan

[30:53] Yeah, that's what I love to do.

[30:54] I mean, so I can go back to Brooklyn and talk to my cleaning lady, Grace, in her native language.

[31:00] She was always so sweet to us.

[31:01] I feel like she would really love it.

[31:03] Right now, get up to 55% off your subscription when you go to babbel.com slash flop.

[31:07] That's babbel.com slash flop for up to 55% off your subscription.

[31:11] Babbel.

[31:11] Language for life.

Stuart Wellington

[31:12] And what's that in the distance?

[31:15] It's a Jumbo Tron.

[31:17] Hey, this message reads, Johnny Baby Boy.

[31:25] We know you listen to every Flophouse episode.

[31:28] You're probably busy writing some Quark slash Picard fan fiction or crafting a new puppet.

[31:35] But we hope you and Holly have a wonderful birthday week with most, but definitely not all, our love.

[31:42] Macaroni and Ben Chell.

[31:45] I'm going to assume that's how it's pronounced.

[31:47] Ben Chell, Chelly?

[31:48] Yeah, that's what I would.

Dan McCoy

[31:49] Sure.

[31:50] Yes.

[31:51] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[31:52] What a lovely birthday message.

Dan McCoy

[31:53] Yeah, and this puppet guy sounds like he's fun.

[31:56] I like puppets.

[31:57] That's all I need.

Elliott Kalan

[31:58] We got another fun Jumbo Tron, so don't use up all your fun on that one.

[32:01] This is a message for Graham, and it's from Rachel.

[32:03] And the message goes like this.

[32:04] If you figured out this is a message from your sister, then wow, Nelson, you solved the mystery.

[32:08] I know I made the wrong guy reference in your Flophouse birthday message last year,

[32:12] but I really wanted to hear Elliot say, Mr. Enema Bag Jones.

[32:16] Do you think he might do a letter song about it?

[32:18] And it's not technically a letter song if it happens in a Jumbo Tron, but you know what?

[32:22] I will sing, Mr. Enema Bag Jones and me.

[32:26] Da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

[32:28] Oh, great.

Stuart Wellington

[32:29] Oh, wow.

[32:30] Perfect.

[32:31] We just got a cease and desist.

[32:32] 100%.

[32:32] A plus.

[32:33] Happy birthday, Graham.

Elliott Kalan

[32:34] Yeah.

[32:35] I will refrain from singing any more of those songs.

[32:37] Are you tired of being picked on for only wanting to talk about your cat at parties?

S4

[32:45] Do you feel as though your friends don't understand the depth of love you have for your guinea pig?

[32:50] When you look around a room of people, do you wonder if they know sloths only have to eat one leaf a month?

[32:55] Have you ever dumped someone for saying they're just not an animal person?

[32:59] Us too.

[32:59] She's Alexis B.

[33:00] Preston.

[33:01] She's Ella McLeod.

[33:02] And we host Comfort Creatures, the show where you can't talk about your pets too much, animal trivia is our love language, and dragons are just as real as dinosaurs.

[33:11] Tune in to Comfort Creatures every Thursday on Maximum Fun.

S5

[33:17] I'm Lisa Hanawalt.

[33:18] And I'm Emily Heller.

[33:19] Wow, Emily, we've been doing this podcast for 10 years.

[33:22] I know.

[33:22] But hey, don't worry.

[33:23] You can jump in at literally any episode and hear us talk about some of our favorite stuff.

[33:28] Caterpillars becoming butterflies.

[33:30] Martha Stewart flying around in a private jet full of trees.

[33:33] Yes, you heard me right.

[33:34] Trees.

[33:35] Neighbors becoming enemies.

[33:37] Just kidding.

[33:38] Whatever messed up stuff we can find on Wikipedia.

[33:41] Our impeccable taste in everything from dogs to TV shows to bodily functions.

[33:45] And horses.

[33:46] Lots and lots of horses.

[33:48] Come for our horned up rants about the world.

[33:49] Stay for the catchy theme songs.

[33:51] You might not learn anything, but we're a good hang.

[33:53] Baby Geniuses.

[33:55] Every other week on MaximumFun.org.

Elliott Kalan

[34:00] We're back to the game, which is not really a game, but more of a discussion.

[34:03] Round two.

[34:04] We talked about tax preparation with accountants.

[34:07] I'm going to name some movie Taxi Drivers, and you tell me if you're getting into that cab.

[34:11] Same basic thing, but instead of your taxes, it's your taxis.

[34:14] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[34:14] I hope one specific one shows up, but we'll get to it.

Elliott Kalan

[34:17] I don't know if it will.

[34:18] This is a short round.

[34:18] First off, of course, we got to go with the taxi driver himself, Travis Bickle, Robert De Niro.

[34:23] Are you getting into that cab?

Dan McCoy

[34:25] I mean, you know, look, I'm not saying anything intentionally negative, but I mean, you know, most taxi drivers look kind of grumpy.

[34:39] And, you know, I have no way of judging from the outside who is like a murderer or a potential mass murderer.

Elliott Kalan

[34:47] It's because you've seen his movies, so you know he did.

Dan McCoy

[34:48] Oh, I've seen his movies.

Elliott Kalan

[34:50] He's also famous.

[34:51] Remember, they wrote him up in the newspapers.

[34:53] I've always assumed that he would eventually – I've always wanted to do a thing where I write his obituary, and he's become a Fox News host at a certain point.

[34:59] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[35:00] Yeah, I mean, you know what?

[35:02] Like, I think it depends on the time of day.

[35:05] Because, like, if it's, like, really late and there are no other cabs, I'd probably be like, well, you know, he didn't, like, kill any of his, like, taxi, like, clients, you know?

Elliott Kalan

[35:14] He did try to kill presidential candidate Charles Palantyne, who was a passenger.

[35:17] Yeah, but no one knows about that.

[35:19] They think his name is Crinkle.

Dan McCoy

[35:21] They think he just goes around killing, you know, pimps and such.

Stuart Wellington

[35:25] Yeah, and he's a – like, I think he's a pretty good listener.

[35:28] Like, if I just want him to, like, sit outside somebody's apartment while I say some wild-ass shit to him, he'll just sit there and take it.

Elliott Kalan

[35:34] He'll just sit there and listen while you say the worst possible things.

[35:36] Listen to Martin Scorsese.

[35:38] Say bad things.

[35:39] Say terrible things.

[35:40] Good point.

[35:41] Good point.

[35:41] You can save on therapy with him.

[35:42] Okay, so that's now from Taxi Driver to Taxi.

[35:46] Belle Williams, played by Queen Latifah, in the Jimmy Fallon hit film, Taxi.

Dan McCoy

[35:51] Wow.

[35:51] Hit is charitable.

[35:54] I mean, well, it was a hit in France, the original version.

[35:56] The original one that it's based on was a hit in France, but yeah.

[36:00] Yeah, I mean, I think that the idea was, like, she was a good driver.

[36:04] Like, she did a lot of chases and stuff in that movie.

[36:06] I didn't see it.

[36:08] So I'll say sure.

[36:09] She'll get me there fast, I assume.

[36:11] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[36:13] Yeah, I'm assuming she'll get you there fast.

[36:15] And she's got – you know, she's great.

[36:17] She's a huge star.

Dan McCoy

[36:18] Yeah, she's also Queen Latifah.

[36:19] She's Queen Latifah, yeah.

[36:20] Hang out with Queen Latifah a little bit.

Stuart Wellington

[36:22] Is she the equalizer or is that someone else?

Dan McCoy

[36:24] She's now the equalizer.

[36:25] Yeah.

[36:25] So if you need anything equaled out.

Stuart Wellington

[36:28] Every once in a while, Charlene will be watching that show, and I'll catch, like, 10 seconds,

[36:33] and it's the most insane thing I've seen in my life.

Dan McCoy

[36:37] Now I'm imagining – like, it reminds me of, like, there was, like, a time – you know,

[36:41] when you're in college, like, and drinking is new to you.

[36:44] Like, it's all very, like – I remember a time when I was with my friend Ariel,

[36:48] and we're, like, pouring out a drink and making sure that we both got the same amount.

[36:52] I'm just imagining now that that's what the equalizer does.

[36:54] She comes to you and I'm like, okay, all those wine glasses look equal.

[36:58] Away!

Elliott Kalan

[36:59] She shows up when people are splitting a check at the end of the night and goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[37:03] You got drinks.

[37:05] She didn't.

[37:05] She doesn't have to pay as much.

[37:07] You ate most of those poppers.

[37:09] Yeah.

[37:11] You ordered that for the table.

[37:12] I mean, that's kind of –

[37:13] But then you kept the plate next to you and ate it all yourself.

Dan McCoy

[37:15] That is sort of de-equalizing, but, you know, that's also a valid part of her job, I assume.

Elliott Kalan

[37:22] Yeah.

[37:22] Yeah, yeah.

[37:22] Well, I think it's not equal in terms of everyone gets the same thing.

[37:26] It's that everyone gets what they need.

[37:28] It's fairness.

[37:29] She's the fair-erizer.

[37:30] Not the equalizer, I guess, but the fair-erizer.

[37:31] Oh, wow.

[37:31] That's really cool.

[37:32] Yeah, that sounds great.

[37:33] Or fairy poppins, which is a maid or a nanny.

[37:37] So, yeah, I guess –

Dan McCoy

[37:38] The fair-erizer is, of course, someone who goes around and puts, like, fair-er-er-edresses on people.

Elliott Kalan

[37:43] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[37:43] So, yeah, I guess I am getting in that cab, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[37:46] Okay, getting in the cab.

[37:47] Now, here's another cab I'm wondering if you're going to take.

[37:49] This is the cab of Max DeRocher, played by Jamie Foxx in Collateral.

Stuart Wellington

[37:56] That's the thing.

[37:57] He might get in the way of my job.

[38:01] And he'll spend the whole time telling me about his plans for the future of owning a fleet of limos.

[38:06] He's got some houses to paint.

[38:07] You're a great listener is what you're saying.

[38:09] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[38:11] I mean, again, I don't think anything that happened in Collateral would –

[38:14] I mean, like, if anything, Jamie Foxx, you know, prevented more mayhem.

Stuart Wellington

[38:18] But that's the thing.

[38:19] If somebody gets in the cab after me and is like, I got to kill that dude, Stuart, he'll probably help prevent it.

Dan McCoy

[38:27] Yeah.

[38:27] All right.

[38:28] So, you want him out there in the world, but you're not necessarily taking the cab yourself.

[38:32] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[38:33] So, you are –

[38:34] So, that's a no on that one?

[38:36] Yes, from Sue.

[38:37] No, I'll give him a shot.

[38:38] Why not?

[38:39] Okay.

[38:39] Yeah, you're easy.

[38:40] You got vibes.

[38:41] So, Dan, you were interested in giving Travis Pickle a shot, but not Jamie Foxx.

Dan McCoy

[38:45] No, I didn't say that.

[38:46] I was trying to help Stuart crystallize his thoughts.

[38:49] Oh, okay.

[38:50] Yeah, Dan helped.

[38:51] No, I would get in that cab.

Elliott Kalan

[38:54] Okay, great.

[38:55] And now we're on to round three.

[38:56] We've talked about taxes.

[38:57] We've talked about taxis.

[38:59] And now it's finally time to talk about everyone's favorite creative art, taxidermy.

[39:05] Oh, okay.

[39:06] The mounting of animals in a lifelike position.

[39:09] Don't call it stuffing.

[39:10] Taxidermists do not like to say that they stuff animals.

[39:13] They say they mount them.

Stuart Wellington

[39:14] I was 100% sure the third round was going to be about taxes.

[39:18] It's a fucking Steve Miller band song or something.

Elliott Kalan

[39:20] Not a lot of actors have played Texas is the problem.

[39:24] I mean, I've never seen Debbie does Dallas, but maybe Dallas is a person and not a place.

[39:29] Yeah.

[39:30] So, guys, here's some movie taxidermists.

[39:34] Tell me, are you hiring them?

[39:35] Number one, maybe the most famous movie taxidermist, Norman Bates.

[39:39] Anthony Perkins in Psycho mounts some birds.

[39:42] Are you hiring him as a taxidermist?

[39:44] Keep in mind, he has worked with larger objects than birds, namely mothers.

Dan McCoy

[39:51] I am going to say I'm not hiring him, not because of the murderousness per se, but because I think that he seems to be a hobbyist as a taxidermist.

[40:03] You know, his main line of work is motel manager.

[40:08] So, you know, I probably would go to someone who had actually like hung out their shingle before I would knock on his door.

Stuart Wellington

[40:15] I'm going to say, you know, shower time is super important to me.

[40:18] And I feel like if he worked for me, I'd constantly be nervous that I was going to get interrupted.

Dan McCoy

[40:24] Not murdered, just interrupted.

Elliott Kalan

[40:26] Interrupted.

[40:26] Like the original title of Psycho, Girl Interrupted.

[40:30] She's a girl.

[40:31] Both her shadow and her life is interrupted.

[40:34] Correct, yeah.

[40:35] Permanent interruption.

[40:36] Okay, so that's a no from both of you, I think, on Norman Bates.

[40:39] I think that's fair.

[40:39] But only because, you see, his work with birds is great.

[40:42] His work with his mom's body, not great.

[40:44] Yeah, yeah.

[40:45] Not like her.

[40:46] Yeah.

[40:47] Unless.

[40:48] You never saw her when she was alive.

[40:51] In life, she may have been a shriveled old mummy just screaming constantly in chairs.

Dan McCoy

[40:55] She may have looked like one of those apple dolls.

Elliott Kalan

[40:59] Yeah.

[41:00] So, next, guys, going to a character who's slightly less murderous.

[41:04] We're going to talk about Barry Speck, Steve Carell, in the movie Dinner for Schmucks.

[41:09] He specializes in taxidermying mice and posing them in non-lifelike situations where they're in costumes and stuff.

[41:17] Would you hire him for your taxidermy needs?

[41:19] Keep in mind, he's apparently very annoying.

Dan McCoy

[41:22] Yes.

[41:23] I mean, you know, again, this posits a world where I have taxidermy needs, which I don't think is ever going to happen.

[41:31] I'm not particularly keen on the idea of having an animal, you know, like put in my home, like the corpse of an animal that has been treated and, you know, preserved.

[41:44] It doesn't smell.

[41:45] No, I know.

[41:46] I just – I think it would make me sadder more than anything else not to throw shade on anyone who has any taxidermy.

[41:51] It's just my personal – but those are pretty adorable little mouse dioramas.

[41:59] They are.

Elliott Kalan

[41:59] Now, I just want to make sure our listeners understand that in terms of Dan worrying he's hurting a listener's feelings,

[42:05] number one at the top, does not want to hurt the feelings of anyone taxidermy.

[42:08] A little bit lower down, he's okay with slightly hurting the people, the feelings of people who whine and dine old ladies.

[42:13] He is not worried about hurting the feelings of libertarians.

[42:15] So that is his pyramid of values, who he's afraid of offending.

[42:19] Hierarchy of values, yeah.

[42:21] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[42:21] Yeah.

[42:22] I feel like – did he have like a wacky haircut in that movie or something?

Elliott Kalan

[42:27] He's just got kind of – he's got kind of longish bangs.

[42:30] It's like short, but it's – and he's got – you know, it's not wacky, but it's not a great-looking haircut.

Stuart Wellington

[42:35] You know.

[42:35] Okay.

[42:36] It's kind of plastered down on his head a little bit.

[42:38] So I guess with that in mind, yeah, I'll hire him.

[42:40] Why not?

[42:41] Okay.

[42:41] Why was that the –

[42:43] Well, Dan, I didn't question why you don't like having taxidermy animals in your house.

[42:48] Can't you let me –

[42:49] Well, I can explain why.

[42:50] That's part of the reason.

Elliott Kalan

[42:51] No, I agree.

[42:52] I agree.

[42:53] I think it's unfair for you to question how Stuart uses hair as a deciding factor.

Dan McCoy

[42:58] I guess he's worried that like the fur and the taxidermy would end up looking like the hair if he can't take care of his own hair.

[43:03] Yeah.

[43:04] I'm just spinning it out.

[43:05] I don't know.

Stuart Wellington

[43:05] And I guess the thing about taxidermy is you got to watch out for moths.

Elliott Kalan

[43:08] On the other hand, when you go to a – you guys, you go to a town with two barbers.

[43:12] One barber has a great cut.

[43:13] The other barber has a terrible haircut.

[43:15] Which barber do you go to?

[43:16] You don't go to the barber with the great haircut.

[43:18] Yeah.

[43:19] You go to the barber with the bad haircut.

[43:20] Classic.

[43:21] Yeah.

[43:21] It's like you don't trust a skinny chef.

[43:22] Unusable wisdom.

[43:23] Yeah.

[43:25] This reminds me of during the episode of Presidents Are People 2 about Theodore Roosevelt.

[43:31] I went to visit a taxidermist because Theodore Roosevelt wasn't into taxidermy.

[43:34] And I asked him if it was possible to take a cow, cut just one steak out of it, and then mount the rest of the cow with an open slot where that steak would have gone.

[43:43] And he was so – he was so confused and disgusted that I would even suggest such a thing, even as a joke.

[43:50] Which reminds me, our next person is Theodore Roosevelt.

[43:52] Real person, a real hobbyist taxidermist.

[43:55] It could be the Theodore Roosevelt from Newsies, the Theodore Roosevelt from The Wind and the Lion, the tiny Theodore – oh, not the – I guess tiny.

[44:01] The diorama Theodore Roosevelt from Night at the Museum, Battle of the – not Battle of the Smithsonian.

[44:05] Yeah, he was like a –

[44:06] Just the first night of the museum.

[44:07] He was like a full-size Robin Williams.

[44:08] He's a full-size mannequin.

[44:09] He's not one of the small ones.

[44:11] It's an incredibly inaccurate view of the Museum of Natural History.

[44:13] But anyway, Theodore Roosevelt, are you going to hire him as your taxidermist?

[44:16] That was your issue.

[44:18] You're like, I'm turning this nonsense off.

[44:20] I mean, in a way, they're like, oh, now we're in the diorama section with these ancient Roman dioramas.

[44:24] And I'm like, what museum is this?

[44:25] What are you talking about?

Dan McCoy

[44:27] Yeah.

[44:28] I probably would just because I think that – I don't know how much interaction I'm going to have.

[44:32] But if I can sit around while he's doing some of the work, I bet he's got some good stories.

[44:37] Okay.

[44:38] Fair.

Stuart Wellington

[44:39] I mean, I would do it mainly because I know my friend Elliot would get such a big kick out of it.

Dan McCoy

[44:43] You'd be like, Elliot, you won't believe my taxidermist is.

Stuart Wellington

[44:46] Hey, hey, hey, Teddy.

Elliott Kalan

[44:48] We're doing this on FaceTime.

[44:51] I mean, he wouldn't call him Teddy because he liked Theodore.

[44:55] He didn't like when people called him Teddy.

Stuart Wellington

[44:56] That's the kind of information you would have to share with me over FaceTime.

[44:59] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[45:01] It's ironic that you bring up Teddy, though, because, of course, the Teddy bear is named after him.

[45:06] And our final taxidermist was going after –

[45:09] Teddy Ruxpin.

[45:11] Yeah, they named Teddy Ruxpin after him because he – the bear – Alan Ruck was riding on the back of the bear at the time.

[45:20] Exactly.

[45:20] And Theodore Roosevelt spun it around.

[45:22] And so he became known as Teddy Ruxpin.

[45:24] That makes sense.

[45:26] So, guys, there's an adorable bear named Paddington.

[45:29] There's a taxidermist that's after him.

[45:31] Oh, yeah.

[45:31] Millicent Clyde, played by Nicole Kidman from the film Paddington.

[45:34] Are you going to hire this taxidermist?

Dan McCoy

[45:37] Now, I don't think I would.

[45:40] There's no shade on her work, which I'm sure is good.

[45:46] But I cannot –

Elliott Kalan

[45:47] Dan, you can hurt her feelings.

[45:49] Heartbreak feels good in a place like this.

Dan McCoy

[45:50] I just – I can't – I cannot condone any sort of injury or possible injury to my man Paddington.

[45:59] So, I'm not going to support anyone who supports possibly –

Stuart Wellington

[46:04] So, if somebody were to say like poison is marmalade sandwich.

[46:07] Yeah.

[46:07] You wouldn't like that.

[46:09] No.

Dan McCoy

[46:10] Wait, is this a –

[46:11] That's if Agent 47 was going to kill him.

[46:13] It feels like Stuart was asking that just because he did it already.

[46:16] Yeah.

[46:17] You've made sort of like oblique references to your side job.

[46:22] I'm worried.

Elliott Kalan

[46:24] I love the idea that Tom Cruise gets into the cab in Collateral and he's like, follow that bear.

[46:29] And he's got to go after Paddington to get the hit on him.

[46:32] No, man.

[46:33] He wouldn't stand up.

[46:33] Michael Mann's follow that bear.

[46:37] Yeah.

[46:38] You would have to change the name of the movie to follow that bear.

Stuart Wellington

[46:42] Would I – wait.

[46:44] Would you hire –

[46:44] Yeah, of course I'd hire.

[46:45] It's Nicole Kidman, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[46:47] So, you just want to hang.

Stuart Wellington

[46:49] Yeah, I just want to hang.

[46:50] I would – man, I would have a lot of questions.

[46:54] Like, I would show her the pictures of her walking away from her divorce finalization and be like, what was going on there?

Elliott Kalan

[47:01] I think you're confusing this with the actor Nicole Kidman.

Stuart Wellington

[47:05] Oh, right, right, right.

Elliott Kalan

[47:05] What's it like when your husband is reincarnated as a little kid?

[47:09] Is that weird?

[47:10] Yep.

[47:10] I would ask all these questions.

[47:12] What was it like working with Chanwook Park?

[47:16] It should be like, I'm a taxidermist.

[47:18] I don't know what you're talking about.

[47:21] Yeah.

[47:22] That would be hard.

[47:23] What happened?

Stuart Wellington

[47:24] But the thing is, all these things considered, I would still hire her because, you know, it's close enough.

[47:31] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[47:31] Yeah.

[47:32] And also, if she's going to – if she wants to stuff – sorry, I shouldn't say stuff.

[47:35] I'm the one who's warning you not.

[47:36] If she's going to mount Paddington, that's a big project.

[47:39] But again, confidence.

[47:40] It's all about confidence.

Dan McCoy

[47:41] I know that you're supposed to say mount, but if she's going to mount Paddington, sounds like an entirely different thing.

Elliott Kalan

[47:48] She's living a lot of women's dreams and mounting Paddington.

[47:51] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[47:52] I mean, he does seem very cuddly.

[47:54] Yeah.

[47:55] But he also reads like a child.

[47:57] So I don't think that – I mean –

Stuart Wellington

[47:58] True.

[47:59] It's true.

[48:00] Very true.

[48:01] And he's – again, his paws have got to be sticky.

[48:04] So much.

Elliott Kalan

[48:07] So much marmalade.

[48:08] That's the hard part with that taxidermy job is cleaning the marmalade out of the fur.

[48:13] Which is very difficult.

Stuart Wellington

[48:15] Like a comb?

[48:16] What do you –

[48:16] Yeah.

[48:17] He also is like, why is there so much on Paddington's head?

Dan McCoy

[48:23] Well, let me tell you where he kept his sandwiches.

Elliott Kalan

[48:27] You're going to want to sit down for this.

[48:31] And well, listeners, I hope you've been sitting down and enjoying this episode of the Flophouse Mini.

[48:36] I'd like to thank Dan and Stu, and I'd like to thank you for listening.

[48:40] I'd like to say I hope your tax day goes smoothly and as painlessly as possible.

[48:44] I want to thank our producer-editor, Alex Smith.

[48:47] You can follow him online as Howell Doughty.

[48:49] And I would like to thank the Maximum Fun Network for being our network.

[48:52] They're a great network.

[48:53] And I'd also like to thank you for going right now to flophousepodcast.com slash stream

[48:58] and buying your ticket to our Battlefield Earth streaming event.

[49:01] You can finally see one of our live shows if you've never gotten to see one before

[49:04] with the presentations, with the Q&As.

[49:07] And like we said, you've got a chance to get a VIP meet and greet session with us,

[49:11] the peaches, being funny and doing silly stuff.

[49:14] And Stuart will be like, bye at the end of the meet and greet probably.

[49:18] And official merchandise, new looking merchandise.

[49:21] I'm excited about it.

[49:21] I'm going to buy some of that also.

[49:23] Tickets available at flophousepodcast.com slash stream.

[49:27] Guys, thank you for going on this journey of words that sound like other words with me.

[49:33] Thanks, Elliot.

[49:34] Bye.

[49:35] Hey.

Dan McCoy

[49:37] That was a little different.

FH Mini 78 - Don't Mess With Taxes

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