FH Mini 86 - Watch Which?

Elliott Kalan

[0:00] Hello, everybody. Welcome to another Flophouse mini. That's right. This is the Flophouse podcast.

[0:09] But today, we're not talking about one bad movie and then Dan tells us why he liked it and it made him cry.

[0:15] Instead, we're going to talk about a bunch of different things that are all the things we want to talk about.

[0:20] My name is Elliot Kalin and joining me are my two co-hosts.

Dan McCoy

[0:24] Dan McCoy. Emotions are not something to shame, Elliot.

Stuart Wellington

[0:29] And Stuart Wellington, I don't have anything else to add. I thought Elliot's was perfect.

Elliott Kalan

[0:34] Thank you. I appreciate it.

[0:35] I want to mention before we get into the main body of the episode that today, the day this episode is released,

[0:40] if you're one of those Flophouse diehards who listens to the episodes the moment they drop,

[0:44] that today, Saturday, August 5th, tonight, we will be performing the first ever episode of Flop TV,

[0:52] our streaming television version of this Flophouse podcast.

[0:55] This is a kind of streamlined, visual, in-your-face podcast TV program thing.

[1:03] I think you're probably overselling.

[1:07] It's the most amazing thing in the world.

[1:09] Secrets of the Pyramids revealed.

[1:10] We will cure scrofula if you have it.

[1:13] And so that is tonight.

[1:15] It is 9 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Pacific.

[1:18] Tickets are available at theflophouse.simpleticks.com.

[1:21] We're going to be talking about Beastmaster 2 through the portal of time.

[1:24] It's an exciting movie.

[1:25] It has a portal of time and a Beastmaster in the same movie.

[1:29] And, hey, if you can't make the show tonight, don't worry.

[1:32] If you buy a ticket, you have access to a recording of the show for two weeks,

[1:35] the exact amount of time that Arnold Schwarzenegger says he's going to be on Mars

[1:39] when he's trying to sneak onto Mars in Total Recall.

[1:41] Two weeks.

[1:42] So that's theflophouse.simpleticks.com.

[1:45] Join us tonight as Dan Stewart and I will be talking Beastmaster 2 through the portal of time.

[1:49] I'm going to be doing an original PowerPoint presentation.

[1:51] We're going to answer a couple questions from viewers.

[1:54] It's going to be a lot of fun, but you can watch it for two weeks afterwards if you buy a ticket.

[1:58] Season passes are, of course, available for our whole Flop TV season.

[2:02] Guys, do you have anything to add before we get to the main body of this mini?

Dan McCoy

[2:04] I just want to add that while there are visual elements, that presentation,

[2:09] there's some nice little video clips interspersed in.

[2:15] I wouldn't call it particularly visual or in-your-face.

[2:18] I don't want to set them up for unfair expectation.

Elliott Kalan

[2:24] Our basic Flophouse waiver is lower those standards.

[2:28] Take those standards and take them down low, low, low, low.

[2:32] They hit the floor.

[2:33] Those standards.

[2:35] And the standards will also be wearing boots with the fur and so forth.

Stuart Wellington

[2:39] Wow.

[2:39] Okay.

[2:40] So Elliot said his piece.

[2:41] Dan has said his.

[2:42] I guess what do I have to add?

[2:45] Let's see.

[2:46] Well, guys, I did some really heavy weightlifting yesterday, so my brain is a little fried.

Elliott Kalan

[2:51] I don't because it's pertinent to the current moment.

[2:54] Is it one of those things like when you pick up something heavy and you can feel your face tightening?

[2:58] Yes.

[2:59] Is it like that where you pulled something heavy and your brain had to give a little bit of extra oomph to get you to lift it?

Stuart Wellington

[3:04] Yeah.

[3:05] The mind-muscle connection, Elliot.

[3:07] Exactly.

[3:07] Someday we'll find it.

Elliott Kalan

[3:08] The mind-muscle connection.

Dan McCoy

[3:10] My yoga teacher, I was making a face and she says, does that face help you do this?

[3:15] And in my head, I'm like, yeah, kind of a little bit.

[3:18] Wow.

[3:19] No, I mean, she's getting her ass off.

Elliott Kalan

[3:22] Your yoga teacher said, does your face hurt?

[3:24] Because it's killing me.

[3:25] Boom.

Dan McCoy

[3:26] Get her on the podcast.

[3:28] I mean, you know, it's true.

[3:30] You're supposed to relax and breathe.

[3:33] You're not supposed to clinch up.

[3:34] But anyway, Elliot, I believe you're in the middle of introducing the show proper.

[3:40] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[3:40] Now, I am the captain of this episode and I am going to steer the ship.

[3:44] So let's see what happens.

[3:46] As everyone knows, a few weeks ago saw the release of one of the most miraculously mismatched

[3:51] movie pairings in one weekend of recent times, Barbie and Oppenheimer.

[3:57] One film was the story of one of man's most physically and emotionally traumatizing inventions

[4:02] and the other was about the atomic bomb.

[4:04] The viewer is going.

[4:05] The viewer is going.

[4:07] You saw it a mile away.

[4:08] The internet went crazy over this idea that two movies could be released on the same day

[4:12] and there were all these articles online, one by our old pal Matt Singer, about other

[4:16] weekends in the past when two classic movies or big movies were both released.

[4:20] Like, for instance, in 1984 when Gremlins and Ghostbusters came out the same weekend,

[4:23] a big weekend for the letter G, a very important weekend for the letter G and adolescent fantasy.

Dan McCoy

[4:29] And for the letter EK, Elliot Galen.

Elliott Kalan

[4:31] Very much so.

[4:32] I mean, I was about, I think it was, what, summer 84?

[4:36] So I think I was two and a half years old at the time.

[4:37] But you better believe if I had been old enough to go to the movies, I would have gone.

[4:40] Eventually, both of those movies played a very important part to me.

[4:43] But we're not going to be talking about Gremlins and Ghostbusters anymore on this episode

[4:45] because here's the thing.

[4:47] In the 1980s, so many movies were being released that multiple movies usually came out on the

[4:52] same day.

[4:53] And if anything, being shocked at two big movies coming out on the same day is more than

[4:58] anything an indictment of how few movies are released to theaters currently and their

[5:01] tragic lack of variety.

[5:03] It's a serious issue which I thought we'd explore in a fun way with a game I'm calling

[5:06] Watch Witch.

[5:08] Welcome to Watch Witch, everybody.

[5:10] It's a new game you guys are going to play.

[5:12] Watch Witch is brought to you by John Montague, the fourth Earl of Sandwich.

[5:15] Whether acting as first lord of the Admiralty, plenipotentiary to the Congress of Brita, or

[5:20] member of the Hellfire Club, there's more to the fourth Earl of Sandwich than just inventing

[5:24] the sandwich.

[5:25] Learn about him, won't you?

[5:25] What was his mutant power?

[5:27] His mutant power was the invention of foods.

[5:30] Oh, okay.

[5:31] Yeah.

[5:31] He could combine foods in ways that had never been done before.

[5:34] It's the same mutant power seen in the movie Ratatouille, for instance, and in kitchens

[5:38] everywhere.

[5:39] Guys, am I a mutant?

Stuart Wellington

[5:40] Yeah.

[5:40] I mean, maybe not as good a power to use against the X-Men, but probably better just in life

[5:46] and in the world.

Elliott Kalan

[5:47] I mean, when you look at the actual Hellfire Club in the comics, not the actual Hellfire

[5:51] Club that John Montague was a member of, but the comic book one, their powers didn't really

[5:54] help them that much against the X-Men.

[5:56] Wolverine alone took out most of them in the classic Dark Phoenix story.

[5:59] So if John Montague would be like, hey, X-Men, eat this, eat this, eat this.

[6:04] Now they're all sluggish.

[6:05] Their bellies are full.

[6:06] They can't fight that well, and they'd throw up because they're sick from fighting and eating

[6:10] at the same time.

[6:11] I think he could take those X-Men down.

[6:13] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[6:14] But they all had cool outfits, right?

[6:15] They dressed old-timey, like old-timey jerks.

Elliott Kalan

[6:17] He dressed old-timey because it was old-timey times.

[6:20] It was the actual 18th century.

[6:22] So that's why he dressed that way.

Dan McCoy

[6:23] Okay.

[6:23] What was their goal?

[6:25] Were they just kind of generally like they just did bad things?

[6:28] Or was this like-

[6:29] World domination.

[6:29] World domination, dude.

[6:30] Okay.

[6:31] Yeah.

[6:32] Because it always felt kind of like that maybe this was like a sex club that then on the

[6:36] side-

[6:36] Well, it is also a sex club.

[6:37] That's a villainy-

[6:37] Based on the outfits.

Elliott Kalan

[6:38] Yeah.

[6:38] Well, here's the thing.

[6:39] So it seems unrealistic that these characters who are already rich, powerful, and able to pull

[6:46] the levers of politics, commerce, everything from the shadows, it feels strange to believe

[6:50] that there's anything more that they would want and that they would go out of their way

[6:54] to cause trouble for themselves by calling attention to themselves.

[6:58] And yet, as we've seen, it's what rich people do every day.

[7:01] There's no amount of rich or power that you can have that you don't want credit for.

[7:04] And maybe it leads you to try to hypnotize the phoenix and thus unleash planet-destroying

[7:10] power.

[7:11] Maybe it leads you to spend $44 billion on a perfectly fine social media platform.

[7:16] And then take everything that people liked about it and remove it.

Dan McCoy

[7:20] Destroy its only conceivable value, its branding as a thing people know, and replace it with

[7:25] the letter X.

[7:27] A letter that indicates don't go in there.

Elliott Kalan

[7:31] Yeah.

[7:31] The thing that I think is so funny is about-

[7:33] I mean, it turns out Elon Musk is the real X-man.

[7:36] Oh!

[7:37] What?

[7:38] The funny thing I think about it is they're like, it's called X now.

[7:41] X is the everything platform.

[7:43] It's not Twitter, it's X.

[7:44] You don't tweet, they're X's.

[7:46] But you still go to Twitter.com to get to X.

[7:47] Like, if you're going to use that, if it's not an app, then you're not going to X.com,

[7:51] you know, which I assume is the website of the X games.

[7:54] Do not write in and tell me what it actually is.

[7:55] Anyway, so here's the game we're going to play.

[7:57] It's called Watch Witch.

[7:59] So in this game, I'm going to take you back to a few historic weekends in the 1980s when

[8:03] moviegoers had a tough choice to make about what new movie to watch.

[8:06] I'm going to assign a scenario about a date and time when these movies are coming out,

[8:10] and each of you will be assigned a movie.

[8:12] Actually, you'll pick a movie that you'll have to convince me, the third member of the

[8:16] party, to watch rather than your opponent's movie.

[8:19] Now, we'll be taking turns with our opening statements and our rebuttals.

[8:22] For each one, you get an opening statement and a rebuttal, and then it can turn into an

[8:24] argument.

[8:25] That's fine.

[8:25] It's not a real debate.

[8:26] And you'll also take turns picking which movie you want to champion.

[8:30] Now, here's the thing.

[8:32] This is the 1980s, before the internet was around to tell us everything we'd want to know about

[8:36] a movie before we saw it.

[8:37] So you're going to have to make your argument based only on the poster for the movie and

[8:41] any information you could reasonably glean from the trailer.

[8:45] And we are not expert movie buffs in this.

[8:46] We are merely ordinary people out for a night of fun at the movies.

[8:51] Okay, so do you guys feel ready for this?

Stuart Wellington

[8:54] Okay.

[8:55] Sure.

[8:55] So we're just like normal moviegoers, right?

[8:58] We're not like-

[8:59] Yes, you are normal moviegoers.

[9:01] Elite moviegoers like Dan over here or-

[9:04] Yeah.

[9:05] I don't know.

[9:06] Our friend John who sees every movie, like we have to-

Dan McCoy

[9:10] That's the way I think of myself as an elite moviegoer.

[9:12] An elite level.

[9:13] I mean, you do see every movie.

[9:15] You see all of them.

[9:16] Yeah, that makes me elite.

[9:20] My sedentary movie-centered lifestyle.

Elliott Kalan

[9:23] You're one of those damn elitists that are making things hard for normal everyday salt of the earth moviegoers by ruining our movies.

[9:30] Anyway, so guys, are you ready for-

[9:32] There's going to be two rounds.

[9:33] Are you ready for the first one of round one?

[9:34] We're going to have two rounds in the middle.

[9:35] Round one, then of course our ad sponsor break, and then the rest.

[9:39] And I'm going to have to share my screen every now and then.

[9:41] This might get a little clumsy.

[9:43] So Alex, please feel free to cut out any dead air that results.

[9:47] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[9:48] But don't lose all the gold.

Elliott Kalan

[9:50] Don't lose the gold.

[9:51] Yeah, there's already been so much of it.

[9:52] Oh boy, what am I doing?

[9:54] Guys.

Dan McCoy

[9:54] Alex, if there's some tin in there though or some pewter, you can feel free to snip that right out.

[9:59] Just take it.

Elliott Kalan

[10:00] Yeah, we don't need that.

[10:01] Or pyrite fool's gold, it's also called.

[10:03] Yeah, or pyrex, the glass that you make baking dishes out of.

Dan McCoy

[10:08] Alex, if the sound to the movie fool's gold is in this episode, please cut it out because

[10:13] we do not have the rights to that.

[10:14] Please remove it.

Elliott Kalan

[10:15] Please remove it.

[10:16] Yeah, we would get sued.

[10:17] Okay, guys.

[10:18] Number one.

[10:20] The date is July 15th.

Stuart Wellington

[10:21] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

[10:22] Do you think at one point when they're naming the movie fool's gold, they're like, let's

[10:26] call this bitch pyrite.

Dan McCoy

[10:29] I have to assume that was the working title.

[10:31] Pyrites of the Caribbean.

[10:33] How about that?

[10:33] That would have been pretty good.

Elliott Kalan

[10:34] Pyrites of Penzance.

[10:36] And they were like, nobody knows what pyrite is.

[10:39] We'll call it fool's gold.

[10:40] And the writers were like, grumble, grumble, grumble.

[10:42] And the exact same thing was like.

[10:42] I'm taking my name off of this.

[10:43] We're geniuses.

[10:44] And then the movie, I don't know how it did.

[10:46] Maybe it was a big hit.

[10:46] I don't think it was.

Stuart Wellington

[10:47] I guess if you want to alienate our strong geologist following.

Elliott Kalan

[10:51] There goes the chemist audience.

[10:53] Yeah.

[10:54] So guys, here's the first scenario.

[10:56] The date is July 15th, 1988.

[11:00] And we are a team of political operatives preparing Atlanta, Georgia's Omni Coliseum for the upcoming

[11:05] Democratic National Convention, which starts in three days.

[11:09] We know we won't have a lot of time to watch movies once the convention starts.

[11:12] So we better make a good choice tonight.

[11:14] So do we see, and let me put up these posters.

[11:21] Do we see Die Hard starring the guy from Moonlighting, that's all we know him as, or A Fish Called Wanda starring

[11:27] two guys from Monty Python, the lady from Trading Places, and one of the guys from Silverado?

[11:32] Now, Dan, you get to choose first which movie are you going to say we should watch.

Dan McCoy

[11:37] I think I'm going to champion A Fish Called Wanda.

Elliott Kalan

[11:40] Not a surprise.

[11:41] So Stuart, you'll be taking Die Hard.

[11:43] Now, remember, all we know is what we've seen in the posters.

[11:46] Maybe we've seen a trailer, but probably not.

[11:47] We've been busy setting up the Democratic National Convention.

[11:50] So, Dan, you can go first.

[11:52] Why are we seeing A Fish Called Wanda?

[11:53] It looks like there's a giant fish in it.

[11:55] I don't know if I'm crazy about that.

Dan McCoy

[11:57] No, that's what I'm saying.

[11:58] Look, it's got a big, kind of sexy-looking fish that, you know, that's sort of intriguing.

[12:04] I will admit, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[12:05] This is the sexiest fish pre-Shape of Water, which is, of course, the sexiest fish of all time.

Dan McCoy

[12:11] This reminds me.

[12:13] I got the very important note that maybe we should describe visual things when we have them.

[12:17] We got a lineup of five people.

[12:20] Well, four people and a giant fish.

[12:22] Yeah, one of them is John Cleese.

[12:24] One is a giant fish lady.

[12:25] One is Jamie Lee Curtis, Kevin Kline, and, of course, Michael Palin.

[12:29] And they are – it's a police lineup.

[12:32] So, this fish has committed some sort of crime.

[12:34] I want to know what kind of crime a sexy lady fish committed.

[12:39] Also, Kevin Kline, we all love him from Pyrites of Penzance.

[12:44] So, there's that.

[12:47] Michael Palin seems to have been beaten up maybe by the fish.

[12:51] Who doesn't want to see that?

Elliott Kalan

[12:53] So, you're really leaning hard on the fish, which I understand, the titular character.

Dan McCoy

[12:56] Well, you know, I mean, you know, John Cleese also, you know, obviously hilarious.

[13:00] Remember, we're saying this in the past where John Cleese hasn't proved himself to be an irritant on Twitter.

[13:06] He's just a beloved figure in the comedy world.

Elliott Kalan

[13:11] Now, keep in mind, we're not comedy snobs like in real life.

[13:15] We are three political operatives in the Atlanta area.

Dan McCoy

[13:17] Yeah, but if we're political operatives setting up for the Democratic National Convention, maybe we don't like what John Cleese has been saying today in 2023.

Elliott Kalan

[13:25] But we don't know anything about that.

[13:27] That's my point.

[13:28] What are you arguing against?

[13:29] I'm saying we don't know that.

[13:31] We might not even be aware of John Cleese's past work.

[13:34] You can't – you might be aware – what are you talking about?

Dan McCoy

[13:38] You can't say that.

[13:40] That's fair.

[13:42] Utter fabrication.

Elliott Kalan

[13:44] You've made a strong argument that we should see what this 60 fish lady did.

[13:47] Maybe she beat up Michael Palin.

[13:49] Stuart, okay, take this other movie, Die Hard.

[13:51] Now, this is the guy from Moonlighting.

[13:53] There's a lot of text on this poster.

[13:55] Yeah, there's a ton of text.

Stuart Wellington

[13:57] I want to see a movie.

[13:58] The text is very helpful, I think, in this case because if you see – the movie is called Die Hard and it stars Bruce Willis, as you mentioned, is from Moonlighting.

[14:06] He appears to be much larger than an exploding building that he is standing next to, and he is shocked.

Elliott Kalan

[14:12] From this poster, I'm assuming that he is a giant man who maybe accidentally bumped into this building and is like, oh, what did I do?

Stuart Wellington

[14:19] This picture – this picture.

[14:21] This poster is in black and white except for the title.

[14:23] Very cool.

[14:24] Looks like a war metal album cover.

[14:26] An album that probably is made by dudes with sketchy politics.

[14:30] Now, Bruce Willis' head takes up a large chunk of the poster, and then next to his head is the – what we will later find out is the Nakatomi Plaza building, which has police spotlights on it.

[14:42] And the roof of this building is exploding.

[14:44] Ellie, why aren't you taking him to task for bringing that in?

Elliott Kalan

[14:46] I was just about to.

[14:47] I was waiting for a sentence to finish.

[14:49] Two things.

[14:49] One, we don't know it's Nakatomi Plaza.

[14:51] We don't know what this building is.

[14:53] And two, we don't know that those are police searchlights.

[14:55] Those could be movie premiere searchlights or, to be honest, those could be tentacles coming out of the building.

[15:01] We don't know because we haven't seen the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[15:04] Okay.

[15:04] So it appears that the roof of the building is exploding, or maybe that's like a blob.

[15:11] It's really hard to tell.

[15:12] It's ejaculating.

Elliott Kalan

[15:13] It could be a movie about an ejaculating movie – about an ejaculating movie, about an ejaculating building.

Stuart Wellington

[15:18] It does feel a little bit like when they designed this poster, they're already like, let's make it easy for somebody to make a porno version of this movie poster.

[15:27] And what would that be called?

[15:29] I mean, I feel like it would – you don't have to change the name.

Dan McCoy

[15:32] It would be Die Hard On, I think, or something like that.

Stuart Wellington

[15:34] Yeah, you could say Die Hard On or Dick Hard.

[15:36] Guy Hard?

[15:37] Guy Hard is good, yeah.

[15:39] Guy Hard, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[15:39] That actually – that works really well.

[15:41] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[15:41] So let's see.

[15:42] Tagline up at the top, 40 stories of –

Elliott Kalan

[15:44] It could be called Die Shart, and it's a very specific type of porno finish.

[15:48] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[15:49] So the tagline at the top, 40 stories of sheer adventure with an exclamation point.

[15:54] I feel like that should be selling us already.

Dan McCoy

[15:56] I don't want to watch an anthology movie of 40 stories.

[15:59] Okay, so you need to work.

Elliott Kalan

[16:00] That's a good point.

[16:01] It just doesn't work.

[16:01] It's a good rebuttal.

[16:02] It tried it before.

[16:03] Yeah.

[16:03] But that exclamation point is pulling me in because you'll notice A Fish Called Wanda, the tagline is,

[16:07] a new comedy about sex, murder, and seafood with a period at the end.

[16:10] That period seems a little passive-aggressive to me.

[16:12] I don't like that.

Stuart Wellington

[16:13] Now, we also, as you mentioned, there's a ton of text here.

[16:17] It says, high above the city of LA, a team of terrorists have seized a building, taken hostages, and declared war.

[16:26] Not accurate, but that's fine.

[16:27] One man has managed to escape, dot, dot, dot.

[16:31] An off-duty cop hiding somewhere inside.

[16:34] He's alone, tired, dot, dot, dot.

[16:38] And the only chance anyone has got.

[16:41] I'm glad it has two ellipses.

[16:42] The only chance anyone has got.

Dan McCoy

[16:45] I don't know about that phrasing.

Stuart Wellington

[16:47] I mean, I just—

[16:48] Maybe a second pass.

Dan McCoy

[16:49] Yeah, a second pass.

[16:50] So you've got notes for this movie poster from 40 years ago on this?

[16:54] I also have notes about—

[16:56] It clearly wasn't a success.

[16:57] A new comedy about sex, murder, and seafood, period.

[17:00] I've got some notes on that.

[17:01] There's no need for a period.

[17:03] This is not a full sentence.

[17:04] It's just a tagline, and it's not a sentence.

[17:07] So don't put that period in there.

Elliott Kalan

[17:07] And every word except and, the first letter is capitalized also.

Dan McCoy

[17:10] And you know what?

[17:10] There's no Oxford comma, and if anything, you should have an Oxford comma.

[17:13] It's—I mean, maybe, I guess, John Cleese was in the Cambridge footlight,

[17:17] so he was against the Oxford comma because they were rivals.

Elliott Kalan

[17:20] He liked the Cambridge period, which you put at the end of non-sentences.

[17:26] Well, you guys have both made—

[17:27] Well, Stuart, you didn't really make too much of an argument.

[17:29] I mean, you described the poster in great detail,

[17:31] but you didn't really argue in favor of it.

[17:34] So I'm going to have to give this one to Dan.

[17:36] We're seeing a fish called Wanda, everybody.

[17:38] Okay, yeah.

[17:38] All right.

[17:39] And we are going to laugh our way to defeat in the 1988 presidential election.

[17:44] So, guys—

[17:45] No, that's too bad.

Stuart Wellington

[17:46] How did—did Fish called Wanda?

[17:47] That got some Oscar noms, right?

[17:49] Is that Mondale?

Elliott Kalan

[17:51] That was—88 was Mondale.

[17:53] Well—

[17:53] No, no.

[17:53] 84 was Mondale.

[17:54] 88 was Dukakis versus Bush.

Dan McCoy

[17:56] Yeah.

[17:57] And there was—well, he—Kevin Klein won the Oscar for Fish called Wanda.

Elliott Kalan

[18:01] For Best Supporting Fish.

Stuart Wellington

[18:04] Yeah.

[18:04] And he was up against Alan Rickman, right, from Die Hard?

[18:08] We can only assume.

Elliott Kalan

[18:10] Yeah, we can only assume.

[18:11] All right, guys.

[18:11] Now, we've got six more scenarios, so I guess I got to speed things up.

[18:15] This is our second scenario.

[18:16] The date is December 13, 1985.

[18:20] Only two days earlier, a bomb sent by a mysterious figure who is starting to be known as the Unabomber took the life of an innocent victim.

[18:27] We are three investigators on the case who have already run out of leads and have decided to see a movie in the hopes that it inspires some—

Dan McCoy

[18:34] Are we Alfred Hitchcock's three investigators?

[18:37] We are not.

Elliott Kalan

[18:38] We are real police detectives involved in a real case, and I am, if anything, disgusted.

[18:43] We're not.

[18:43] At your making light of it.

Dan McCoy

[18:45] Pete and Pete Crenshaw and whoever the third one was.

Elliott Kalan

[18:49] I've never been familiar with these characters.

[18:52] But, okay.

[18:53] So, we need some new leads on the case.

[18:56] So, do we go to—which movie are we going to see?

[18:59] Jewel of the Nile or A Chorus Line, the movie?

[19:03] Both came out the same weekend, December 13, 1985.

Dan McCoy

[19:07] So, wait.

[19:07] Hold on.

Elliott Kalan

[19:08] So, Stuart gets to choose which movie he's going to champion.

[19:12] Is it going to be Jewel of the Nile or A Chorus Line, the movie?

Dan McCoy

[19:15] I understand that Stuart gets the choice, but I just want to clarify.

[19:18] Yes.

[19:18] So, part of our desire is to perhaps pick up some clues about the bombing by watching?

Elliott Kalan

[19:27] Not necessarily clues, but just open up new angles of thinking in our minds.

Dan McCoy

[19:32] So, we're doing—like, this is kind of an Agent Dale Cooper style of, you know, doing law enforcement where—

[19:38] Yes.

[19:38] You know, just freeing your mind helps you.

[19:40] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[19:41] Yeah, exactly.

[19:42] Free your mind and the rest will follow.

[19:43] The rest being clues.

Stuart Wellington

[19:46] I'm going to select A Chorus Line, the movie.

[19:50] All right.

[19:50] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[19:50] So, Dan, you'll be championing the Jewel of the Nile.

[19:54] So, Stuart, you started us off.

[19:56] Why are we seeing A Chorus Line, the movie?

[19:58] And again, you only know what you've seen from the poster or what a person could reasonably understand.

[20:02] You can know that this is based on a Broadway musical.

Stuart Wellington

[20:05] So, let's describe this poster.

[20:07] It's a giant white background, and we have a bunch of dancers in gold outfits really having the time of their lives.

[20:16] It's amazing.

[20:16] They're loving it.

[20:18] And above it, it reads, A Chorus Line, and the title is Inside the O of the Movie.

Dan McCoy

[20:25] Yeah, which is way bigger than the actual title of the film.

Elliott Kalan

[20:29] Yeah.

[20:30] So, it looks a little bit like A Chorus Line is on the bass drum of a drum set being played by the words The Movie and also made up of the words The Movie.

[20:37] It does look like the title is The Movie, A Chorus Line, which is weird.

Stuart Wellington

[20:41] Yes.

[20:42] If somebody was throwing together a poster for an event at, like, one of my bars, and they use this kind of placement of letters, I would tell them to try again.

Elliott Kalan

[20:54] But, that said—

[20:55] Now, remember you are arguing in favor of this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[20:58] That said, the chaos of both the placement of dancers and the lettering scheme makes me think that this would be a great chance for us to see the organized chaos of a filmed Broadway production.

[21:13] And maybe that will help us solve the crime that we are trying to put the pieces together.

Elliott Kalan

[21:18] Okay, interesting.

[21:19] It definitely looks like we're going to see something that will shake us up, you know.

[21:23] Exactly, yeah.

[21:23] Yeah.

[21:24] So, Dan, but Dan, The Jewel of the Nile, let's take a look at this, Dan.

[21:27] This could also shake us up.

[21:28] Tell us about the poster.

[21:29] And also, what does your investigator in 1985, what does he know about The Jewel of the Nile's backstory?

Dan McCoy

[21:35] Here we go.

[21:36] So, we got our three stars.

[21:39] They're name by name on the poster, and we see them.

[21:42] Michael Douglas, Kathleen Turner, and Danny DeVito are friends from Romancing the Stone.

[21:48] And Danny DeVito.

[21:49] Danny DeVito's in Romancing the Stone.

[21:50] He is?

[21:51] Yeah.

[21:53] Who's he playing that?

[21:54] The same character.

[21:55] He's like the comic villain.

[21:56] Yeah.

[21:57] I totally forgot he was in it.

[21:58] He's like the guy chasing them around.

[21:59] Oh, wow.

[21:59] I forgot about that.

[21:59] Watch it again.

[22:00] It's good.

[22:01] Yeah.

[22:02] So, Kathleen Turner is swinging on a rope.

[22:05] You know what?

Elliott Kalan

[22:06] You know why I didn't think Danny DeVito was in it?

[22:07] I was thinking of the movie Twins, which does not have Danny DeVito in it.

[22:12] Oh, man.

[22:13] I hate to break into it, buddy.

[22:14] Oh, no.

[22:14] You're right.

[22:15] I was thinking of the movie Renaissance Man, which does not have Danny DeVito in it.

[22:18] Yeah.

[22:19] But Jackie Chan's at all.

[22:20] Guys, do you know I have a rare eyesight problem where I see Danny DeVito and Jackie Chan as the same people but flipped?

[22:28] Anyway.

[22:29] You know who does flips?

[22:31] Jackie Chan.

[22:33] Danny DeVito, you mean?

[22:34] In Drunken Master?

[22:34] Have you seen Danny DeVito in Drunken Master?

[22:36] Oh, no.

Dan McCoy

[22:37] What a super cop.

[22:38] Let me describe this book.

[22:40] So, we got Kathleen Turner is swinging in through sort of a Middle Eastern-looking opening of some kind with, like, columns and such.

[22:53] And she's wearing, you know, a nice dress, showing off her gams.

[22:59] We got Michael Douglas.

Elliott Kalan

[23:00] You should mention she does not have shoes on.

Dan McCoy

[23:02] Yeah.

[23:03] Yeah.

[23:03] Michael Douglas is also swinging in, I guess, like, clutching her stomach there.

[23:09] I think it's the same rope.

Elliott Kalan

[23:10] I think they're on the same rope.

[23:11] Yeah.

[23:11] It's hard to-

[23:11] But he does have shoes on.

Dan McCoy

[23:12] He is wearing shoes.

[23:13] Well, he's got sneakers on over here.

[23:15] Along with a white suit that looks very much like the one he danced in in Romancing the Stone.

[23:21] Uh-huh.

[23:22] And then-

Elliott Kalan

[23:22] Well, like, he showed up at a costume party dressed as Tom Wolfe in sneakers.

[23:27] Yeah.

[23:28] And Danny DeVito-

[23:30] Not Tom Wolfe in the movie sneakers.

[23:31] In the movie.

[23:32] Tom Wolfe the author does not appear in that.

[23:33] Tom Wolfe was in sneakers?

[23:34] No, no.

[23:34] But he's wearing sneakers.

[23:36] Because Tom Wolfe, the author, did not usually wear sneakers, as far as I could tell.

Dan McCoy

[23:39] Do you know-

[23:40] And he is-

[23:41] Sorry.

[23:41] Let me just-

[23:42] And he is clutching Danny DeVito like a piece of luggage.

[23:46] Yeah.

[23:47] Who is looking up at him like, oh!

[23:49] And he's wearing, like, a turban.

[23:50] And there's a bunch of, you know, people on camels and stuff in the background.

Elliott Kalan

[23:53] So Michael Douglas is either pulling Danny DeVito by the back of his pants,

[23:57] or his hand is just shoved into Danny DeVito's butt and is using that as a handle.

Dan McCoy

[24:01] And the tagline says, they're back again, romancing in italics, so you know that that's important.

[24:08] A brand new stone, also in italics.

[24:10] Remember, romancing the stone.

[24:12] And that's what I would ask you guys to do.

[24:14] You know, we gotta go see a movie that's gonna really just reset our brains.

[24:19] We've been-

[24:19] Sure, yeah.

[24:19] Our thinking about this case has gotten too uptight.

[24:23] We just gotta go and have a shot of pure joy.

[24:27] And I can only assume that a sequel to such a great film as romancing the stone would be just as good and enjoyable and not at all just like a weird cash-in that seems like it was maybe written as it was being made and not with a good idea.

[24:45] Like, we gotta go see something fun like romancing the stone, jewel of the Nile.

[24:50] That's what I say.

[24:52] All right.

[24:53] Strong pitch.

Elliott Kalan

[24:54] That's a solid pitch.

[24:55] You're really throwing us back to our knowledge of the original.

[25:00] But Stuart, on the other hand, a chorus line, you gave a good, more kind of thematic, kind of contextual, psychic energy way of looking at it.

[25:11] I think we've been on this case.

[25:13] We need to just-

[25:14] We need to see something that takes our minds off of it.

[25:16] So yeah, let's go see Jewel of the Nile.

[25:17] Dan, if this isn't the funniest movie I've ever seen, I'm gonna be so mad at you.

[25:21] But I know it's gonna be hilarious, right?

[25:23] Guys, I guarantee it.

[25:24] It's gonna be great.

[25:27] All right.

[25:28] So let's go to the third scenario.

[25:29] And Dan has already taken an early lead.

[25:31] This is quite amazing.

[25:32] Usually in these games, I rig them so that Dan doesn't do as well.

[25:35] And yet, this time, somehow-

[25:39] Wait, what?

[25:39] He's used to be-

[25:40] He's already pulled ahead.

[25:43] So now we go to our third scenario.

[25:46] Okay.

[25:46] The date is-

[25:47] Let's say, you know what, guys?

[25:48] We're still gonna be three professionals, but we're no longer in the criminal industry.

[25:52] The date is March 29th, 1985.

[25:54] It's still-

[25:55] It's 1985 again, but earlier in the year.

[25:57] We are three stadium audiovisual consultants who have just returned from the opening week of Expo 85,

[26:03] the World's Fair held in Tsukuba, Japan, where we've caught our first sight of Sony's new Jumbotron TV screen.

[26:10] We know this could potentially revolutionize the industry.

[26:14] Stuart has an idea for something he calls a kiss cam, and Dan has an idea for something he calls a wife's butt cam.

[26:20] Who knows which one will become a standby of sports stadiums in the future?

[26:24] Curious to see how traditional movie projection compares with the video wall technology of the Jumbotron,

[26:29] we head straight to the local movie theater, intending to catch the re-release of Return of the Jedi.

[26:34] They re-released it two years later after its original release.

[26:36] But bad news.

[26:38] It is sold out.

[26:40] Our only choices at this three-screen pre-multiplex theater.

[26:44] Well, guys, here are your options.

[26:46] Are we going to see either the Care Bears movie or Police Academy 2, their first assignment?

[26:53] Oh, man.

[26:54] Double feech?

[26:56] So, Dan, you get to choose first.

[26:58] Are you going to be championing the Care Bears movie or Police Academy 2, their first assignment?

Dan McCoy

[27:03] So, wait.

[27:04] We're setting up a sound system?

Elliott Kalan

[27:06] No, not sound system, sir.

[27:08] Not sound system.

[27:09] We are thinking about – there is an audio component, but we have just seen the Jumbotron.

[27:13] Oh, right, right, right.

[27:14] This is going to change the way we project video in large spaces.

[27:18] And so we want to see – well, maybe a movie projector is the better way to go.

[27:22] The Jumbotron is untested technology.

[27:23] It's basically just a big TV.

[27:25] So, which would show off the sights and sounds we want to best test?

[27:30] The Care Bears movie or Police Academy 2, their first assignment?

[27:33] And, Dan, you get to choose.

Dan McCoy

[27:34] I'm going to zag and choose the Care Bears movie in this case.

[27:37] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[27:38] And so, Stuart, you will be championing Police Academy 2, two movies that were released on March 29th, 1985 together.

[27:46] I'll mention, Dan, you've got a little bit of a leg up if only because this Care Bears movie poster we're looking at did hang in the basement playroom of my house growing up.

[27:56] And so I remember almost nothing about the movie, but I remember this poster well because it was in my house.

[28:02] So you've got a nostalgia factor right there.

[28:04] And again, though, my character, the guy who installs projection technology in stadiums has not seen this movie, did not have it growing up in his house.

[28:12] You know, he's a grown – he's an adult in 1985.

Stuart Wellington

[28:15] That's where they introduced the non-bear Care Bears, right?

Elliott Kalan

[28:19] Yes, as you can see on the poster, it says introducing the Care Bear cousins because they felt limited by the idea of bears.

[28:25] And they're really asking, what is a bear?

[28:28] Could a bear be any animal?

[28:29] Because inside all of us are two bears.

[28:31] Say it like Werner Herzog.

[28:34] Inside each of us are two bears, only one of which cares.

Dan McCoy

[28:41] Okay.

[28:42] Well, let me – I want to first off again sort of describe this poster quickly.

[28:46] Yeah, please do.

[28:46] A bunch of the Care Bears, and I guess the Care Bear cousins I'm assuming are the things that aren't bears on here.

[28:55] We haven't seen the movie.

[28:56] That's my guess.

Stuart Wellington

[28:57] Didn't make you realize we entered Sherlock's mind palace.

Dan McCoy

[29:01] Because we got a bunny on there and a little elephant – Timothy Elephant.

[29:07] Yep.

[29:09] So they're –

[29:10] How amazing would it be if that character's name was Timothy Elephant?

[29:14] They're riding a big sailboat across the sea it looks like.

[29:20] And there's an evil-looking like raven maybe flying behind.

[29:24] And beneath there's like what I can only assume are, you know, the souls of the damned on the left.

[29:31] And there's a book with sort of an evil-looking lady who kind of looks like the magic mirror from Snow White.

Elliott Kalan

[29:40] Yeah, and she's kind of a bald green lady with vampire teeth, just the head.

[29:43] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[29:44] Mm-hmm.

[29:45] And so I'm going to argue that –

Elliott Kalan

[29:47] And mention again –

[29:48] And an image of them being terrorized by a giant tree with a face and claws.

[29:53] Oh, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[29:53] Yeah.

[29:54] And the tagline is, what happens when the world stops caring?

[29:58] And that's, you know, that's really key because Stuart, you know, wants this kiss can idea to get off.

[30:05] Mm-hmm.

[30:06] The, you know, I am trying to increase like the awareness of butts out there.

[30:13] Yeah, awareness is the right word.

Elliott Kalan

[30:15] People are not aware of butts right now.

Dan McCoy

[30:17] These are both, you know, I think at heart problems of caring.

[30:21] Mm-hmm.

[30:21] Do we care enough to kiss one another or to admire a butt?

[30:27] And also, look, look at all those vivid, vibrant colors on, you know, like, do you think there's going to be anything like that in Police Academy 2, the first assignment?

[30:37] With the Jumbotron, we got to focus on what's colorful, what reads from a distance, like a nice cartoon character.

[30:44] Look, it might not be to my taste to watch a bunch of bears running around shooting rainbows out of their stomachs.

[30:52] But this is what we got to do for a job.

Elliott Kalan

[30:55] Dan, I'm surprised you didn't mention the star power involved in this movie.

[30:57] As you can see clearly from the title, from the poster down, it says, with Mickey Rooney as the voice of Mr. Cherrywood.

Dan McCoy

[31:02] Oh, wow.

[31:03] Of course, that indelible character.

Elliott Kalan

[31:05] Songs by Carole King.

Dan McCoy

[31:07] Well, title song by Carole King.

[31:08] Oh, title.

[31:08] Yeah.

[31:09] Other songs by John Sebastian.

[31:11] Okay.

[31:11] And I got to know what these Care Bear Cousins are all about.

[31:14] I just got to know.

[31:14] Yeah.

[31:16] Okay, so, Stuart.

[31:17] That's a strong competition.

Elliott Kalan

[31:18] A strong argument for the Care Bears movie.

[31:20] Stu, what about Police Academy 2, their first assignment?

[31:23] I know I'm already wondering.

[31:24] I'm like, Police Academy 2, their first assignment?

[31:27] But this is the second Police Academy movie.

[31:28] Stuart, sell this movie to me.

Stuart Wellington

[31:30] That's the thing.

[31:31] So, you can only assume that having attended the Police Academy, it's time for them to go out into the mean streets.

[31:37] And the poster indicates this.

[31:39] We have a jumble of bodies.

[31:41] They are smashed on top of each other.

[31:43] They are some kind of crazy amalgam of man, limb, faces.

Elliott Kalan

[31:47] It sounds like you're describing Guernica by Pablo Picasso.

[31:49] It's the end of society.

Stuart Wellington

[31:51] It looks like what happens when you throw that dust, the dust of Ibn Ghazi, Wilbur Waitley's brother.

[31:58] Thanks for putting that in layman's terms.

[32:01] I appreciate that you really cleared it up.

[32:02] A reference I definitely understand.

[32:03] That's what happens.

[32:04] It looks like the Dunnich horror is what I'm trying to say.

[32:07] Oh, okay.

[32:08] So, right up at the top we have text, a bunch of text, and it says, watch out, which I think you guys should really understand.

[32:17] We should watch out and see this movie.

[32:19] Now, there's a bunch of text underneath that.

[32:22] I can't read it.

[32:23] Maybe my eyes are going.

[32:25] Maybe it's a clean up.

[32:26] Yeah, you do it.

Elliott Kalan

[32:27] They've got to clean up the worst crime district in the world.

[32:29] But that's no problem.

[32:30] They're the worst police force in the universe.

[32:33] And universe is capitalized, just the U.

[32:35] Interesting.

[32:36] They're referring to it by name.

[32:37] Is the universe going to show up in the movie?

[32:39] Maybe.

Stuart Wellington

[32:39] So, we see all of our friends from the first police academy.

[32:43] There's also a pair of eyes peering out of a manhole.

[32:46] Don't even know what that means, but that looks great.

Elliott Kalan

[32:48] And there's a word balloon coming out of the manhole that says, and hey, be careful out there.

[32:51] This has got to be.

[32:54] I'm sorry.

[32:55] There's eyes all over.

[32:56] There's eyes looking out of a mailbox.

[32:57] Eyes looking out of doorways.

[32:58] There's eyes everywhere.

[32:59] But, Dan, you were saying there's got to be what?

Dan McCoy

[33:00] I mean, this has got to be some sort of late addition to this poster.

[33:06] These eyes look so tacked on, and the word balloon definitely.

[33:10] It's a blue word balloon with just typewriter letters clumsily put.

[33:17] It reminds me so much.

Elliott Kalan

[33:18] I've talked about this on the Flop House before, one of my favorite print ads of all time.

[33:22] The ad for, was it Bringing Down the House with Queen Latifah?

[33:26] This was late into its run, and Eugene Levy's line, you got me straight tripping, boo, was the hit of America.

[33:33] And so they had taken the normal print ad for this movie, and they put a word balloon over Eugene Levy's head that said, you got me straight tripping, boo.

[33:39] Just to be like, this is the movie where he says it.

[33:42] Everybody, do not get mixed up.

[33:43] If you want to hear him say that, you've got to see this movie.

[33:46] This is the one.

Dan McCoy

[33:47] It really feels like this has to have been added, though.

[33:50] Like, they're like, oh, there's a bunch of cops on here.

[33:52] Are people going to know this is a comedy?

[33:54] Stick some eyes in a word balloon.

[33:56] Real quick, real quick.

Stuart Wellington

[33:57] If anyone who's listening owns the original painting of this poster, let us know if these were added afterwards.

Elliott Kalan

[34:04] It looks, do you guys think this is a Drew Struzan?

[34:06] It might be, or it might just be a Struzan style.

Stuart Wellington

[34:08] Yeah, yeah, that's what it looks like.

[34:10] So, already, I mean, this looks amazing.

[34:13] Struzan for a Struzan.

[34:13] And I don't think any other movie can promise the jumble of characters, limbs, and will really test the limits of the big screen experience.

Elliott Kalan

[34:27] Look at the number of guns sticking out of that.

[34:27] They're all holding guns, and the guns are huge.

Dan McCoy

[34:30] Yeah, it really speaks to our overfunded police, how many guns are on this police academy.

Stuart Wellington

[34:35] Luckily, after this movie was released, they changed things, and they took all their money away.

Elliott Kalan

[34:40] Okay.

[34:41] Now, here's something, here's a detail you guys might not have noticed, is that I think it's to show that they are dumb and they're not following the rules.

[34:47] There are enormous arrows on the street that are pointing in the opposite direction of the way that these characters are walking.

[34:54] And it's like, what street looks like that?

[34:57] What street has huge arrows pointed on it?

Dan McCoy

[34:59] Warning arrows.

[35:01] Sorry, neighborhood too dangerous.

[35:03] They're not turn signals.

Elliott Kalan

[35:05] There's no curb.

[35:06] They're just going, or there's no end of the street.

[35:08] They're just going right down the block all the way, just exit this way, arrows.

[35:12] Yeah.

[35:12] It's weird.

[35:15] But oh, fine.

[35:15] It is a Drew Struzan poster because I see a signature on it.

[35:18] This poster has layers.

[35:19] Guys, we've got Struzan.

[35:20] Hit the button.

[35:21] Wait, wait, wait, wait.

[35:23] That Ghostbusters song.

[35:26] That's a bad local ghost.

[35:27] We'll be proud with the real bad local ghost.

Stuart Wellington

[35:30] Clean it up the town.

[35:32] Drew Struzan.

[35:33] Oh, man.

[35:34] Man, the whole gang's there.

[35:35] I can't believe I even have to make this argument.

[35:38] You look at this poster.

[35:39] You've got to see this movie.

[35:40] You've got to figure out what happened.

Elliott Kalan

[35:41] So far, I've got to say, I'm not really sold on either of these movies right now.

[35:45] So I'm going to give you guys each a lightning round.

[35:47] Okay.

[35:48] Uh-huh.

[35:48] You've each got, I'm going to set a timer for this.

[35:50] Dan, you've got 10 seconds to tell me why we should go see the Care Bears movie.

[35:57] Stuart, I'm going to give you 15 seconds just because, again, you haven't given me an argument so much as you've described the poster.

[36:03] So Dan and Go, 10 seconds.

Dan McCoy

[36:05] There's a heart in the middle of their chest, which is like the heart that Stuart is proposing for the kiss cam.

[36:13] We see that heart, we kiss.

Elliott Kalan

[36:14] Time's up.

[36:15] Okay, Stuart, you've got 15 seconds.

[36:17] And Go.

Stuart Wellington

[36:19] If we want to test the limits of film and screens, we've got to pack it with as many hilarious cops as possible.

[36:27] And that's what Police Academy 2 promises.

[36:30] You still got one more second?

Elliott Kalan

[36:33] Okay, you're done.

[36:34] Baba booing.

[36:35] I'm going to go with Stuart.

[36:37] You made the point.

[36:37] When we do these stadium screens, we're going to need to fit a lot of people on there.

[36:41] So we're going to have to see how they fit all these people onto this screen for Police Academy 2.

[36:45] We're seeing Police Academy 2, their first assignment, everybody.

Stuart Wellington

[36:47] Do you think that was the note to Drew Struzan was like, so you've got to put all these characters in there?

Elliott Kalan

[36:56] Probably.

[36:57] That probably was the case.

[36:59] Fit them all in there, and he goes, not a problem.

[37:01] And I have to assume they hired Jack.

Dan McCoy

[37:03] He channeled Jack Davis.

Elliott Kalan

[37:04] They hired Jack Davis, and Jack Davis, he's like, too many characters.

[37:08] And his drawing hand snapped right off.

Dan McCoy

[37:11] It exploded.

[37:12] Yeah.

[37:13] Starts smoking and burst into flame.

Elliott Kalan

[37:16] Yeah.

[37:16] Oh, poor Jack Davis.

[37:17] That's what happened to him.

[37:18] Anyway, guys, we've got one more movie matchup before we go to our break where we talk about our sponsors.

[37:26] So let's just see it here.

[37:27] Okay.

[37:27] What's the date?

[37:28] Let's talk about it.

[37:29] The date is July 23, 1982.

[37:32] And the three of us are freshmen at the University of Hartford, Connecticut, majoring in commercial whaling.

[37:38] Until we learned that earlier that day, the International Whaling Commission has declared an end to commercial whaling by 1986, right when we're scheduled to graduate.

[37:47] Our futures are in flux.

[37:49] Our careers down the toilet.

[37:51] So we decided to take our minds off the uncertainty of life by taking in one of the new comedies on the marquee at the theater.

[37:57] They've come out this weekend.

[37:59] The marquee displays a battle of the network stars of a sort.

[38:02] So do we see Zapped starring Joanie Loves Chachi star Scott Baio or The World According to Garp starring Mork himself, Robin Williams, as the hilariously named Garp?

[38:14] Is he an alien?

[38:15] We don't know.

[38:16] With a name like Garp, it's got to be good.

[38:18] So guys, Stuart, you get to choose first.

[38:22] Are you going to be championing Zapped or The World According to Garp?

Stuart Wellington

[38:25] Okay.

[38:26] So I mean—

Elliott Kalan

[38:27] And I should mention, whoever wins, we lose.

[38:29] So Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[38:31] This one feels really easy.

[38:33] I think I'm going to go with the one that promises some sexy laughs.

[38:37] So of course I'm picking The World According to Garp.

Elliott Kalan

[38:41] And Dan, how about you?

[38:43] So you have Zapped.

[38:44] I guess I'm promoting Zapped.

[38:46] So Stu, why don't we talk about The World According to Garp?

[38:49] What is it that should make us see this movie?

[38:51] Again, we're going right off the poster, which doesn't tell us much.

Stuart Wellington

[38:53] It tells us two words that are important.

[38:59] John Lithgow.

[39:01] That's all I need to say.

[39:02] John Lithgow is in this movie, people.

[39:04] Later on, we will know him as an alien who's traveled to Earth.

[39:08] But that's not fair.

[39:09] That's not pertinent to this conversation because we don't know that yet.

[39:12] No, we don't.

[39:12] But someday our kids will know it and we're going to think it's cool.

[39:16] So John Lithgow rules.

[39:18] And if you have an opportunity to see him in a movie on the big screen, you got to take that shit.

[39:22] Because after a while, he's only in TV shows.

[39:24] And that's not cool.

[39:25] You don't want to watch TV.

[39:25] Now, again, this is 1982.

Elliott Kalan

[39:27] So we're not – we don't know any of that.

[39:29] We don't know anything about the future.

[39:30] We know that Robin Williams is a big TV star.

[39:33] And just to read the text –

[39:34] Stuart, you –

[39:35] Yeah?

Dan McCoy

[39:36] No, I just like, Stuart, you absolutely have to describe the world's most boring poster for the audience right now.

Stuart Wellington

[39:42] Okay.

[39:43] So the title, it very much looks like a guy looking at a restaurant marquee.

[39:49] It says, the world according to, and then in much larger, more fanciful letters, GARP.

Dan McCoy

[39:59] Yeah, just GARP.

[40:01] Just a huge italic GARP.

Stuart Wellington

[40:03] And then we have a two-tone rendition of Robin Williams who is staring up at this title.

[40:14] He's amazed at it.

[40:15] He can't get enough of this name.

[40:16] GARP, that's a name?

[40:19] And then the text reads, Robin Williams is GARP, the most human being you'll ever meet.

[40:26] So even the tagline tells you nothing about what's happening in this movie.

[40:30] It's also placed in a weird place.

[40:33] And there's a ton of negative space on this poster.

[40:36] So just like, it really breeds.

[40:38] Like there's a ton of space here.

[40:40] Oh, yeah.

[40:40] For you two fill with imagining John Lithgow running across the screen.

Dan McCoy

[40:45] Yeah, this looks like, kind of like, I don't know, a really early Evite or something.

[40:50] Yes.

[40:50] It looks like –

Elliott Kalan

[40:52] Yeah, they're Eviting you to the movie, The World According to GARP.

[40:55] It does look like someone was challenged to make a poster with as little poster in it as they could.

[41:01] Like they brought in some kind of haiku master to just boil it down to the essence of a poster.

[41:06] Yeah, it looks great.

Stuart Wellington

[41:08] It promises that it is based on a novel by John Irving, but you'll have to watch the movie to see if that's true.

Elliott Kalan

[41:14] So interesting.

[41:15] So you're saying posters can't be trusted all the time.

Stuart Wellington

[41:18] Not always.

[41:18] Sometimes a poster is trying to trick you.

[41:20] Uh-huh.

[41:20] I feel like quite often horror movies trick me into thinking people are in the movie that are not in the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[41:26] That's fair.

[41:26] But you're saying when the credit comes up on screen based on the novel by John Irving, then a huge not might come up right afterwards.

[41:32] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[41:32] Quite possibly.

Elliott Kalan

[41:34] Okay.

[41:35] So that's the World According to GARP.

[41:37] There's not much more to say about it other than, Stuart, what – again, you only described the poster.

[41:41] You haven't given me much of an argument other than that.

[41:43] Well, John Lithgow.

[41:44] I have repeatedly.

[41:45] And then John Lithgow being in it.

Dan McCoy

[41:47] Again, it's John Lithgow.

[41:49] I know this is a losing battle.

Elliott Kalan

[41:50] So you're saying we should John Lithgow see the World According to GARP.

[41:54] Yes.

[41:54] Dan, don't help your opponent because, Dan, it's your turn.

[41:57] Why should we not see the World According to GARP?

[41:59] Wait, am I pronouncing his name wrong?

Dan McCoy

[42:01] Yeah.

[42:02] I've seen him say before a couple times that it's John Lithgow.

[42:07] And everyone says Lithgow, so I don't think –

[42:09] Tell him to come on the podcast.

[42:10] We'll talk it out.

[42:11] Yeah, we'll figure it out.

Elliott Kalan

[42:11] Also, I should mention we were pronouncing the title wrong.

[42:13] It's actually called The World According to GARP.

Stuart Wellington

[42:16] That makes sense.

[42:18] That's why he's laughing.

Elliott Kalan

[42:20] Yeah.

[42:20] He's like, that's a silly name for me to have.

Dan McCoy

[42:24] Can you believe it?

[42:25] I mean, this poster really is selling a lot on just the idea that a man could be named GARP.

[42:33] Like, what?

Elliott Kalan

[42:35] It feels like in the old days when they'd be like, we made the poster already.

[42:39] Now you have to make the movie.

[42:40] It has to have a snake, a dungeon, and a busty lady in it.

[42:43] And it's like, we made the poster.

[42:45] We know Robin Williams needs to be in the movie, and he has to be called GARP.

[42:48] Otherwise, we don't know anything about it.

[42:49] John Irving, write a novel that will fit this poster.

[42:52] Okay.

[42:52] Well, it's called GARP, right?

[42:54] Yeah.

[42:54] And the world is according to him.

[42:56] Okay.

[42:56] So what does that mean?

[42:58] You figure it out.

[42:59] You're the author of The Cider House Rules.

[43:01] Get out of here.

[43:02] Do your work.

[43:03] And so forth.

[43:04] And then John Irving goes, I'll have to say a prayer.

[43:08] Owen Meany, please help me do this.

Dan McCoy

[43:10] I need your help.

[43:12] You mean Simon Birch?

Elliott Kalan

[43:15] Now, why did they call that movie Simon Birch?

[43:17] Dan, you have to tell me.

[43:18] Why did they call that movie Simon Birch?

[43:19] I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[43:19] I mean, that's another character in A Prayer for Owen Meany, right?

[43:25] That's the main character's actual name.

Elliott Kalan

[43:26] I mean, it would be weird for them to name the movie after a character from a different

[43:29] story.

[43:29] It is.

[43:30] It is odd.

[43:31] It was like, we made this movie A Prayer for Owen Meany.

[43:33] Let's call it Paul Bunyan and Babe is Blue Ox.

[43:35] It's not helpful.

Dan McCoy

[43:37] I'll be honest.

[43:37] Neither the title A Prayer for Owen Meany nor the title Simon Birch is going to get me

[43:42] running to the theater.

[43:43] But of the two of them, Simon Birch is so much more boring.

[43:47] It tells you nothing.

[43:50] Anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[43:50] Like a certain movie about a warlord of Mars in which they decided to take that part out

[43:54] of the title.

[43:55] The cool part out.

[43:56] The cool part.

[43:56] It just named his name.

[43:57] A guy named John Carter?

[43:58] I gotta see this.

[44:00] Wait.

[44:01] You mean Jimmy Carter?

[44:02] I'm confused.

[44:03] I gotta have my questions answered in the movie theater.

[44:05] Take me to the multiplex.

[44:08] And yeah, Jimmy Carter was walking by the theater.

[44:10] He went, that's not my name.

[44:12] Let me go.

[44:13] Let me see.

Dan McCoy

[44:16] That fellow looks like me with a space armor.

[44:20] Former President Carter.

[44:22] Okay.

[44:22] Let me talk a little bit about that.

Elliott Kalan

[44:23] When he's sitting through the movie and he's like, well, I've never been on Mars.

[44:26] This is some other guy.

[44:27] I'm sorry.

[44:28] Hold on.

[44:29] This is my mistake.

[44:30] I apologize, sir.

Dan McCoy

[44:31] I only like movies that speak directly to my own experience.

[44:36] So, okay.

[44:38] The scenario is we're depressed that we can no longer be whalers.

Elliott Kalan

[44:43] Wait.

[44:43] And then Jimmy Carter walks outside and he sees an ad for Planters Peanuts with Mr. Peanut

[44:47] and he goes, they've learned how to wear clothes and hats.

[44:50] Uh-huh.

[44:50] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[44:51] Soon they'll be coming after me.

[44:53] For all my crimes.

[44:54] He killed so many of them.

[44:55] Oh, I'm a...

[44:56] I'm a...

Stuart Wellington

[44:57] I've committed peanut genocide.

[45:00] He sees a poster for the movie, The House that Jack Built, and he's like, but my name's Jimmy.

Elliott Kalan

[45:05] I do build houses.

[45:07] Yeah.

[45:07] Lars von Trier.

[45:08] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[45:11] So, wait.

[45:12] Hold on.

[45:12] We're sad that we can no longer kill the whales.

[45:14] Lars von Trier.

Elliott Kalan

[45:15] Looking at my Latin, that means Lars von 3-R.

[45:21] So, we're sad that we can't be whalers.

[45:24] We want to get cheered up.

[45:25] We're going to go see a comedy.

[45:27] The World According to Garp, it's not giving us much to go off of except for John Lithgow,

[45:31] a man whose name we're probably mispronouncing.

[45:32] Yeah, well, that's what I wanted to...

[45:33] So, tell me about this poster for Zapped and then tell me why we should go see it.

Dan McCoy

[45:36] That's why I wanted to sell Zapped.

[45:38] So, there's these two gentlemen...

[45:42] Leering...

[45:42] That's a stretch.

[45:43] Yeah, I would call...

[45:44] I guess what they're doing is not very gentlemanly.

Elliott Kalan

[45:47] Now, if ever I've seen two guys who could be described as blokes.

[45:51] Yeah.

[45:51] Lads.

[45:51] This seems like it.

Dan McCoy

[45:52] Yeah.

[45:52] Well, these two lads are Scott Baio and Willie Ames, as the top of the poster says.

[45:58] And they are poking their heads through a window of a classroom and leering.

[46:03] And, you know, Scott Baio seems to be using some sort of hand power to lift the skirt of a woman.

[46:12] We don't see her face.

[46:13] Now, we should mention...

[46:14] Because that would humanize her.

Elliott Kalan

[46:15] We should mention here...

[46:16] Hold on.

Elliott Kalan

[46:16] There's little lightning bolts coming out that represent telekinesis because all of us can use hand power to lift a skirt.

[46:22] Yes.

[46:22] One, we choose not to because it's assault.

[46:24] And two, it's just grabbing the skirt and pulling it up.

[46:27] But he's doing it with his mind rather than his hands.

[46:29] Well, we don't know that.

Dan McCoy

[46:30] We don't know that, Elliot.

[46:31] I'm just going...

[46:32] This is why I was careful about the way I was saying it.

Elliott Kalan

[46:34] Okay.

[46:35] So, you're saying it's possible he might...

[46:36] This is the split second after he flips the skirt up with his hand.

Dan McCoy

[46:39] There's something going on with his hand that is causing the skirt to go up.

[46:44] And again, as I was saying, the skirt of this woman, we don't see her face.

[46:48] That would humanize her as a person.

[46:50] We see her luscious gams and high heels and hoes.

[46:56] And it says, zapped!

[46:59] The comedy that won't let you down.

[47:01] And the tagline is, they're getting a little behind in their classwork, which is a saucy double entendre.

Elliott Kalan

[47:08] Yeah.

[47:08] And now, I don't know if you've noticed the portrait of George Washington on the classroom roll, which is also leering at this woman with a big smile on his face.

[47:16] The notoriously pervy and lascivious George Washington.

Dan McCoy

[47:20] Yeah.

[47:20] Well, here's the thing, fellows.

[47:24] Now, we've got to remember that this is happening back on the opening weekend.

[47:27] So, as a red-blooded American, we hold the viewpoint that non-consensual peeping is hilarious and delightful, sexy fun for everyone.

[47:39] Oh, sure, yeah.

[47:40] It was official American law in 1982.

[47:43] Yeah.

[47:43] So, that's the first thing I'm going to say.

[47:46] Look, fellas.

[47:47] This is going to be sexy.

Elliott Kalan

[47:49] So, you are going to exploit the fact that our characters in this scenario are on the wrong side of history.

[47:53] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[47:54] Why not?

[47:54] This is a contest, Elliot.

[47:57] I'm in it to win it.

[47:59] But the most important thing about this is the comedy that won't let you down.

[48:05] This is definitely a comedy.

[48:07] True.

[48:08] And it is telling us it won't let us down.

[48:10] And we've been let down so badly today.

[48:12] We've been let down by the loss of our jobs.

[48:15] By the Wailing Commission.

[48:15] Mm-hmm.

[48:17] And zapped got an exclamation point behind it.

[48:20] That's true.

[48:21] Garp does not.

[48:22] There's no – yeah, we don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[48:24] Once again, we've got two taglines that have periods at the end.

[48:27] One of them is a sentence.

[48:28] Robin Williams is Garp that has a subject, an object, and a verb.

[48:32] But the most human being you'll ever meet is not a sentence.

[48:35] It's just a description.

[48:36] It's a clause.

[48:36] And it also has a period afterwards.

[48:38] Yeah.

[48:38] This Cambridge period that we met on the Fish Called Wanda poster.

Dan McCoy

[48:43] Yeah.

[48:44] Lastly, the Z is all electrical.

[48:46] Wait a minute.

[48:47] That looks fun.

Elliott Kalan

[48:47] Also, the comedy that won't let you down has a period after it.

[48:51] And the other tagline – when did they stop putting periods after taglines and movie posters?

[48:55] Guys, I think I'm going to have to do a doctoral thesis on this.

Dan McCoy

[48:59] Do you think it has anything to do with texting?

[49:01] Because I used to text with perfect punctuation because I am a writer and a pedant and that was what I was used to.

[49:11] And like a boomer, right?

[49:13] Yeah, I'm a boomer.

[49:15] No, I'm a –

[49:15] A what?

[49:16] I'm a tail end Xer.

[49:18] Oh, I see.

[49:19] And you are leading edge millennials.

[49:21] Anyway, yeah, I used to do that.

[49:24] But then I realized that what everyone was saying was right.

[49:26] Like when you text with a period, it seems sarcastic or –

Elliott Kalan

[49:30] Yeah, passive-aggressive.

[49:31] Passive-aggressive.

[49:32] So I just started leaving them off.

[49:34] In the 90s, I don't remember movie posters having periods on them after taglines or anything like that.

[49:39] Maybe I'm wrong.

[49:40] Yeah.

[49:40] Maybe I've blocked it out.

[49:41] Maybe it's like the Fnords and I've just been brainwashed into not seeing them.

[49:46] And only when I finally – now that I'm seeing these periods at the end of these taglines, I'm going to be able to understand the hidden forces at work in our government, in our capitalist marketplace, and in our very soul.

Stuart Wellington

[49:57] I was going to say that they should sign off their taglines like I sign off all my text messages with an XOXO.

[50:04] Gossip Girl.

Elliott Kalan

[50:06] All right, guys.

[50:07] So we've got to keep moving.

[50:09] So I'll say, Dan, you were winning me over.

[50:13] Dan's so good at this game.

[50:14] But then I started thinking about this John Lithgow, and I'm like, Stuart seems so impassioned by this.

[50:20] And you know what?

[50:21] My passion for whaling, I need to find a new channel for it.

[50:24] Maybe it's time I should have a passion for John Lithgow.

[50:27] We're seeing the world according to Garp, everybody.

[50:30] We did it.

[50:30] Stuart, you did it.

[50:31] Yay, Garp.

[50:31] I like that you're taking the interest in Stuart's interest.

[50:33] I think the poster is what really did it.

[50:36] I think the poster is the true champion.

[50:38] Yeah, the poster won this one.

[50:40] Okay, everybody.

[50:41] So we're going to take a quick break from the game because we've got some sponsors heading into the halftime.

[50:46] This game is tied two to two.

[50:49] Both Dan and Stuart have convinced me to see two different movies.

[50:53] In this, the 1980s, the greatest of all cinematic decades, I guess.

[50:57] And before we go into the next round, let's talk about our sponsors.

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[52:01] Stuart, I believe you also have a promotional spot?

Stuart Wellington

[52:03] Heck yeah.

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Elliott Kalan

[52:21] Your German is so good and your English is so not so good.

Stuart Wellington

[52:23] Yeah, not so good.

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[52:53] Babel is super easy to use.

[52:55] It's been very convenient and a good way for me to kind of relearn and refresh my German, which I had let slip over the years.

[53:04] If you couldn't tell.

[53:05] I know you hear it and you're like, oh man, that's perfect.

[53:07] But it's not.

[53:08] I got to brush up on it.

[53:10] So here's a special limited time, short time deal for our listeners.

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[53:42] Well, not D-O-T.

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[53:46] Dot com slash flop.

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Dan McCoy

[53:50] And we have J-J-J-Jumbotron.

[53:54] This is for Mariachi from your loving big sister, Melissa.

[54:02] Go for Homer.

[54:04] Happy somewhere between 33rd and 35th birthday.

[54:09] Mario, the coolest uncle in the world.

[54:12] Thank you for not only introducing me to the peaches, but also making the Flophouse my first live podcast taping almost 10 years ago.

[54:22] Wow.

[54:22] Guys, please come back to San Francisco.

[54:25] You're the only one I can share Heathcliff, NewsRadio, MaxFun stuff, and symphony puns with.

[54:32] I love you tons.

[54:34] That's sweet.

Elliott Kalan

[54:36] That's very sweet.

[54:37] A very, very sweet Jumbotron.

[54:39] If you'd also like to send a message of love or perhaps a message of spite, but hopefully love through the form of a Jumbotron on the Flophouse, please go to, was it MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron?

[54:50] Org slash Jumbotron.

[54:52] Great.

[54:52] MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron.

[54:54] Send a message the best way, this way.

[54:57] Because nothing says loving like a message on the Flophouse.

S4

[55:04] Hi, everyone.

[55:05] I'm Laura House.

[55:06] And I'm Annabelle Gurwitch.

[55:08] And sometimes it feels like the whole world is a dumpster fire.

[55:11] Right?

[55:12] There's too much to worry about.

[55:13] That's why we make Tiny Victories.

[55:15] It's a 15-minute podcast where we celebrate our minor accomplishments and fleeting joys.

[55:20] And listeners call in like Valerie, who found the perfect gift for her daughter's boyfriend, and Adam, who finally turned his couch cushion the right way.

[55:29] And little happinesses like how Birdsong helps your brain.

[55:32] That's science.

[55:34] So join us in not freaking out for 15 minutes a week.

[55:37] That's Tiny Victories with Annabelle and Laura, Mondays on Maximum Fun.

[55:42] It's a tiny victory just to make a network promo.

[55:46] Honestly.

S5

[55:48] Are you tired of being picked on for only wanting to talk about your cat at parties?

[55:52] Do you feel as though your friends don't understand the depth of love you have for your guinea pig?

[55:57] When you look around a room of people, do you wonder if they know sloths only have to eat one leaf a month?

[56:02] Have you ever dumped someone for saying they're just not an animal person?

[56:05] Us too.

[56:06] She's Alexis B. Preston.

[56:07] She's Ella McLeod.

[56:08] And we host Comfort Creatures, the show where you can't talk about your pets too much, animal trivia is our love language, and dragons are just as real as dinosaurs.

[56:18] Tune in to Comfort Creatures every Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Elliott Kalan

[56:24] Okay, guys.

[56:24] Are you ready for round two of Watch Witch?

[56:27] The only game show brought to you by John Montague, the fourth Earl of Sandwich.

[56:32] Yay!

[56:33] Okay.

[56:33] Stuart, I'm so glad you gave us a little taste of Deutsch in your babble spot.

[56:38] Because guess what?

[56:39] The date is December 15th, 1989, and we are three citizens of the former German Democratic Republic, more colloquially referred to as East Germany.

[56:50] Yeah.

[56:50] It's been only a little more than a month since the fall of the Berlin Wall, and we are still drunk on our new freedoms.

[56:55] Nach der Wende, yeah.

[56:56] Finally taking the opportunity to travel to the West, which we have fantasized about for so long, eager to learn if it is truly an ally or an opponent, we arrive in the United States of America and decide to sample the free speech expressed through the United States' newly released movies.

[57:12] So as we, I guess we've just checked into our hotel, now we're going to the movies.

[57:16] Are we going, we have two options.

[57:18] Are we going to see Look Who's Talking To or The Wizard starring Fred Savage?

[57:23] Now, Stuart.

[57:25] Who gets to pick first?

[57:26] Oh, now Dan gets to pick first because you picked first last time.

[57:28] So Dan, are you, again, you are a citizen of East Germany.

[57:33] You are now experiencing Western freedom and democracy for the first time.

[57:37] Are you seeing Look Who's Talking To or The Wizard?

Dan McCoy

[57:42] I'll go with The Wizard.

Elliott Kalan

[57:45] Okay, Stu, you've got an uphill battle.

[57:48] Look Who's Talking To.

Stuart Wellington

[57:49] I will take Look Who's Talking To.

Elliott Kalan

[57:51] I like that you said that as if it was a choice and not just you being left with the thing that was left.

[57:57] Dan, go first and will I give extra points for a period-specific accent?

[58:04] Maybe.

[58:05] Which one is it, Cameraden?

[58:07] What are we seeing?

Dan McCoy

[58:08] I don't think I can do that.

[58:10] Oh, Sean.

[58:11] I'm sorry.

[58:12] I'm sorry for not playing your little reindeer games.

Elliott Kalan

[58:17] It's so funny.

[58:18] Rudolph wanted to play the reindeer games and we wouldn't let him.

[58:21] We want you to play them and you don't want to.

[58:23] It's like you can't always get what you want, but sometimes reindeer gets what he needs.

[58:28] Yeah.

[58:28] Do you need me to read you the text on the poster of The Wizard, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[58:33] Yeah, I mean, I can read it, but it's a little small if you can read it.

[58:36] Okay, so it says,

Elliott Kalan

[58:37] They're on a cross-country adventure to the world's greatest video championship.

[58:41] But for these three, it's more than a game, dot, dot, dot.

[58:44] It's the chance of a lifetime.

[58:46] And there are periods after both of these, but they are full sentences.

[58:48] So let's not take any points off for that.

Dan McCoy

[58:50] Yeah.

[58:51] Yeah.

[58:51] And, okay, so The Wizard is in sort of this block pixel lettering.

[58:59] It's in green on a pink background, so it really pops.

[59:03] Very detailed description.

[59:04] Very detailed description.

[59:05] It really pops.

[59:05] It's being, it looks like it's packed.

Elliott Kalan

[59:07] You mentioned that your experience with video games is non-existent.

[59:10] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[59:11] Well, so it's got this one, this guy kid and this lady kid.

[59:18] What are they called?

[59:19] Boy and a girl holding another kid up who has shades, and he's got his hands up in a triumphant demeanor.

[59:27] How old pose.

[59:29] Fred Savage, Savage and bright green across the top.

[59:34] Only star to get that kind of treatment.

[59:38] And you've got-

Elliott Kalan

[59:38] You look at the bottom, Bo Bridges and Christian Slater do not get above the title billing.

[59:42] They are only in the credit block at the bottom.

Dan McCoy

[59:45] And not the, not even, not also the soon to be indie star, Jenny Lewis.

[59:53] The second lead of the, anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[59:56] No name on the poster.

Dan McCoy

[59:57] Yeah.

[59:57] No name at all.

[59:59] Yeah, and things are shooting out of these people.

[1:00:01] It looks like, like a jet plane, Mario.

[1:00:06] I'm just saying that for the audience.

[1:00:07] I know that, I don't know that that's Mario.

[1:00:09] It's just-

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:10] So what, how would you describe it if you're not the, if you're, if you were you?

[1:00:13] There's a-

Dan McCoy

[1:00:14] He looks Italian, right?

[1:00:15] There's a man with a big goofy grin and a mustache wearing a bright red hat and overalls shooting out, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:26] And we're not used to seeing those things.

[1:00:28] Smiles are bright colors where we're from.

[1:00:30] Yeah.

[1:00:30] The Eastern block.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:31] Yeah, and there are explosions coming out.

[1:00:33] There's like a, it's a blob, a crab.

[1:00:36] There's a snake.

[1:00:37] There's a snake.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:37] There's a devil guy.

[1:00:39] And that's what I want to get into because like, this poster screams excitement.

[1:00:45] It's bright colors.

[1:00:46] It's explosions.

[1:00:47] It's things shooting out of the back towards you, out, you know, wherever you're looking at this poster.

[1:00:53] Sure, three kids on a, on a road.

[1:00:57] That part is less exciting.

[1:00:59] But one of those kids has a skateboard and another one is wearing shades.

[1:01:03] So they're pretty cool.

[1:01:05] And I just think that, you know, this is like water in a desert for us.

[1:01:12] We've never seen anything like this.

[1:01:14] And I just want to know what is going on.

[1:01:17] And it's about a wizard.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:20] That's true.

[1:01:21] That's, you made a very good, I'm surprised you didn't pull on the theme of people on the road, people traveling, facing an uncertain future as they seem to be.

[1:01:30] Because that's, you know, there's a lot for us to relate to here and to be amazed by and in awe of.

[1:01:34] But there's another movie coming out on this date of December 15th, 1989.

[1:01:39] That's Look Who's Talking To.

[1:01:40] Stuart, why should we go see Look Who's Talking To?

[1:01:42] Tell me about the poster.

[1:01:43] But again, don't get so wrapped up in describing the poster that you don't tell us why we should watch the movie also.

[1:01:48] Because I know there's a lot to talk about here.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:49] It's cool.

[1:01:50] I feel like you shouldn't restrict my creativity.

[1:01:53] So, we have a white poster that fades to a light blue at the top.

[1:02:01] On it, we have two figures that are poking their heads over a title.

[1:02:06] These figures, small children.

[1:02:08] One, definitely a baby.

[1:02:10] The other, possibly a baby.

[1:02:12] Wearing headphones and sunglasses with colors that match their, a certain gender bias.

[1:02:19] So, we have what appears to be a young man wearing light blue and a girl baby.

[1:02:26] That's what they call them.

[1:02:27] Wearing pink.

[1:02:28] And they are poking their heads over.

[1:02:29] Jim Henson's girl babies.

[1:02:30] Yeah.

[1:02:31] Poking their heads over a title that says,

[1:02:33] Look Who's Talking To, spelled T-O-O, that has been hastily underlined.

[1:02:39] There's a lot of text on here.

[1:02:41] We have a lot of names.

[1:02:42] John Travolta, Kirstie Alley.

[1:02:45] Obviously, I would know her from Runaway, right?

[1:02:47] Is that true?

[1:02:48] No?

[1:02:48] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:02:49] Of course.

[1:02:51] Worldwide hit.

[1:02:52] Also, featuring.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:53] You know John Travolta from the movie Perfect.

[1:02:55] Or perhaps, what, Moment to Moment?

[1:02:56] Was that him also?

[1:02:57] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:58] Featuring the voices of Bruce Willis, Roseanne Barr, and Damon Wayans.

[1:03:02] And it's coming soon to a theater near you.

[1:03:04] Now, the text reads.

[1:03:05] In fact, it's here.

[1:03:06] Mm-hmm.

[1:03:07] Mikey's back and about to face his greatest challenge, dot, dot, dot.

[1:03:13] His new baby sister.

[1:03:15] Now, the reason why we should be seeing Look Who's Talking To is we are trying to get a read on this country, on America.

[1:03:24] And I feel like the only way we're going to get that is by listening to them talk about stuff.

[1:03:29] And this movie promises that in spades.

[1:03:33] And we're also going to learn a little bit about how they raise their children, which is really important for us.

[1:03:38] Because, you know, we need to see what kind of values they're instilling into their children.

[1:03:43] And you know what?

[1:03:44] If we laugh along the way, all the better for us, you know?

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:48] And you could also say, not to step in too much, you could also say that these two siblings who have to overcome their differences, perhaps, and learn to live together.

[1:03:55] Like, that's us and our fellow Germans, the West Germans, who we've been separated from for so long.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:00] That's very true.

[1:04:01] In a way, we are Mikey, or Mikey's sister, who is unnamed on this poster.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:05] Yeah.

[1:04:06] Well, that perhaps goes unnamed in the film.

[1:04:08] We'll never know.

[1:04:10] Perhaps.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:10] We will know, because we're going to see it.

[1:04:13] Because it's the better of the two options.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:14] It's possible they're just waiting to see if she survives past a certain age before they gift her with a name.

[1:04:19] Sure, that makes sense.

[1:04:20] I don't understand their culture yet.

[1:04:22] Yeah, American culture is a mystery to us.

[1:04:23] Well, you've both made some very powerful arguments.

[1:04:26] Stuart, that this is a movie that will teach us something very important about this new world that we're entering and this new nation we are now having relationships with.

[1:04:34] Dan, that this movie has a bunch of weird shit flying at us.

[1:04:39] And it's, or a shisa, I guess we would say.

[1:04:41] And it's pretty overwhelming.

[1:04:45] It's, I think, I'm going to call this one a draw.

[1:04:47] Stuart, you hit me in the heart and the head.

[1:04:50] Dan, you hit me in the funny bone and the excitement bone.

[1:04:53] So I'm going to call this a tie.

[1:04:55] You both win.

[1:04:56] We're seeing a double feature of The Wizard and Look Who's Talking To.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:00] Now, imagine if you are.

[1:05:02] I'm begging for Dan to hit me in the excitement bone.

[1:05:05] And he just won't do it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:06] Won't do it.

[1:05:07] And what is, now my question is.

[1:05:09] Not until you subscribe to my OnlyFans.

[1:05:12] And what do you think is the upshot of us seeing these two movies?

[1:05:15] Look Who's Talking To and The Wizard.

[1:05:16] What is our response to this?

Dan McCoy

[1:05:19] I think that we would have all of the bad we've been taught about the West reinforced.

[1:05:27] Possibly, yeah.

[1:05:28] And we would return back home.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:30] We would return back home because they have access to something called a power glove.

[1:05:33] We must work on our military now.

[1:05:37] So, guys, you did a great job.

[1:05:39] You really surprised me there with that one.

[1:05:41] This next one.

[1:05:42] So, Stuart, we only have two scenarios left.

[1:05:44] Stuart, you're going to get to choose which movie.

[1:05:46] And you'll go first with your argument.

[1:05:48] Right.

[1:05:49] The date is August 1st, 1986.

[1:05:51] And we are a trio of gay nurses attending to the last days of notoriously evil and notoriously closeted lawyer Roy Cohn.

[1:05:58] We hate everything Roy Cohn stands for.

[1:06:00] And we're also angry that he's made able to use his connections to get a supply of the experimental new drug AZT.

[1:06:05] We're also envious that he's a real historical person.

[1:06:08] And we are merely characters in the play Angels in America by Tony Kushner.

[1:06:12] Knowing that Cohn is already being watched over by the ghost of Ethel Rosenberg,

[1:06:15] we decide we can leave the hospital briefly to take in a movie since seeing anyone on the verge of death,

[1:06:20] no matter how sinister, still arouses a level of empathy we are unsure of how to handle and what to do with.

[1:06:25] It is beginning to feel as if all the events around us are heading towards some great apotheosis or culmination,

[1:06:30] a sort of perestroika of the soul as the millennium approaches.

[1:06:33] So, what shall we do as we await this change of eras?

[1:06:37] Shall we see either Howard the Duck or Friday the 13th Part 6, Jason Lives.

[1:06:45] So, Stuart, you get to choose first.

[1:06:47] We have been attending to the bedside of a dying villain.

[1:06:51] There's a lot going on in the world.

[1:06:53] Are we seeing Howard the Duck or Friday the 13th Part 6, Jason Lives?

[1:06:57] Your choice.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:58] We are 100% seeing Friday the 13th Part 6, Jason Lives.

[1:07:03] Kill or be killed.

[1:07:04] Why don't we focus on the positive, Jason Lives.

[1:07:06] Now, this poster, we have a hockey mask silhouetted in the background, backlit with light pouring through the eyes and holes of the mask.

[1:07:19] We appear to be in a bog-drenched cemetery with iron-wrought bars around the back.

[1:07:26] In the foreground, we have the tombstone that just reads Jason Lives.

[1:07:32] A funny thing to write on a tombstone.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:34] It's a very funny thing.

[1:07:36] Unusual reversal.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:36] They'll do it, though.

[1:07:37] They'll do it if you pay them enough.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:38] If you pay them, they'll do it.

[1:07:39] Yeah, they don't care.

[1:07:40] They've got no ethics.

[1:07:41] They have to legally.

[1:07:43] I feel like—

[1:07:43] They go, I'll make you a tombstone that says you're alive, but it'll cost you something nice.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:48] Now, what I love about this poster is that it does put into question what is the subtitle and what is the tagline.

[1:07:55] Yes, yes.

[1:07:56] Now, if you were to look at this, you would assume the tagline is Jason Lives, maybe?

[1:08:01] But the subtitle—wait, the tagline is Kill or be killed, but the subtitle is Jason Lives.

[1:08:06] And that's what we need to focus on here, is that Jason lives.

[1:08:09] And you know what?

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:10] You can tell kill or be killed is the tagline because there's a period after it.

[1:08:14] Kill or be killed, which I can't remember.

[1:08:16] I can't tell if it's a sentence or not, guys.

[1:08:18] Is it?

[1:08:19] It's a command.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:21] Yeah.

[1:08:21] No, yeah.

[1:08:22] If it's a command, yeah.

[1:08:24] That's a full sentence.

[1:08:25] So, Stuart, sell it to me.

[1:08:27] There's an implied subject.

[1:08:29] Well, or—yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:31] So, we are nurses, and while we are overwhelmed with the responsibility and the situation we are in,

[1:08:38] I think being surrounded with this fellow named Jason, who seems to be alive.

[1:08:47] I mean, the title would lead us to believe that, yeah.

[1:08:50] But then the movie also promises that there's going to be killing.

[1:08:54] I mean, we are going to learn all about the human experience here, where we begin, where we end,

[1:09:00] and that there's hope, potentially hope for us after death when we see a tagline like Jason lives written on a tombstone.

[1:09:07] So, I feel like this would be the best way for us to maybe not take our minds off our current task,

[1:09:13] but maybe help us focus and really put our task into perspective.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:18] Wow.

[1:09:18] That's a strong argument.

[1:09:19] That's a beautiful argument, and I want to thank you for that.

[1:09:21] That is the greatest argument anyone has ever made for seeing Friday the 13th Part 6, Jason Lives.

[1:09:27] Mm-hmm.

[1:09:27] Okay.

[1:09:28] Now, Dan, it's up to you to defeat him.

[1:09:31] Tell us, why should we not see that movie and instead see Howard the Duck?

Dan McCoy

[1:09:36] Well, let me describe what's going on here.

[1:09:39] We have what one would assume is a duck based on the title.

[1:09:45] Like, we don't see his full face.

[1:09:47] You know, we don't see it big.

[1:09:49] Nobody has some clues.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:50] Covered in white feathers, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:52] Yeah, but this is like no duck that I've seen before, Elliot.

[1:09:55] This is a duck that is sitting in a recliner and smoking a cigar and reading a copy of Rolling Egg in the Rolling Stone font.

[1:10:03] And on that is, of course, Beverly from the film, Leah Thompson.

[1:10:11] It says, Beverly sizzles.

[1:10:13] So, she's big news.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:15] I like the other article listed is, whatever happened to quack, which doesn't make sense.

[1:10:19] I don't know what that's supposed to be a joke on.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:22] It says, yeah, Howard the Duck in sort of – Howard is in sort of superman-y letters and the duck is in wackier letters.

[1:10:32] And it says, more adventure than humanly possible.

[1:10:35] And at the top it says, trapped in a world he never made.

[1:10:39] Which genuinely, I like that tagline.

[1:10:42] Well, I was surprised –

[1:10:43] That's from the comic, right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:45] Yeah, stepping outside of this scenario we're in, that is from the comic.

[1:10:49] The idea that he would say that he's trapped in a world he never made.

[1:10:53] So, I'm kind of amazed that they had the knowledge to be like, this is a good tagline.

[1:10:58] Let's just use it instead of being like, he'll quack you up or something like that.

[1:11:02] Yeah.

[1:11:02] It's a good tagline.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:03] Well, I want to speak to that tagline.

[1:11:05] I am a little bit uncomfortable in this improv routine taking on the mantle of a group I'm not a part of.

[1:11:15] Nurses?

[1:11:15] Which is gay men.

[1:11:17] But I would say that this character played by – who played him in the – was Jeffrey Wright in the HBO?

[1:11:30] Like, I think that he would be – he would find this to speak to him.

[1:11:33] Trapped in a world he never made.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:35] Oh, the character from Angels in America.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:37] The character from Angels in America, yes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:38] I thought you meant the character of Howard the Duck and I'm like, well, he's played by himself.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:42] No, no, no.

[1:11:42] I mean, the idea of being trapped in a world – the idea of being an outsider in society.

[1:11:48] Oh, okay.

[1:11:49] That tagline, I think, particularly at this time, would speak to me in this nurse scenario.

[1:11:57] Also, Beverly sizzles.

[1:12:00] I like that.

[1:12:01] Mm-hmm.

[1:12:01] I like glam.

[1:12:03] I like high glam of Leah Thompson here.

[1:12:07] We got a duck in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:11] I mean, I would push back –

[1:12:13] Top lining a film for the first time.

[1:12:14] I would push back on the idea that Leah Thompson is high glam.

[1:12:17] The image is – she's clearly more of a punk.

[1:12:19] You know, she's not wearing – she's not glamorous in any way.

[1:12:22] You know.

[1:12:23] She's got very, like, teased hair.

[1:12:25] It's a punk glamour, I guess, but it's not like a diva glamour.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:28] Yeah.

[1:12:29] Well, she looks like – kind of like Susanna Hoffs from the Bengals.

[1:12:34] Okay, yeah.

[1:12:35] Kind of that thing.

[1:12:37] There's something kind of Joan Jetty about her.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:39] Yes, yes, yes.

[1:12:40] Joan Jetty, of course, is the famous large earthwork artwork where it's a stone jetty that looks like Joan Jet.

[1:12:48] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:50] And more adventure than humanly possible, I think that speaks to the sense of striving for something beyond that is embodied in Angels in America, a yearning for something greater.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:05] So now you're – now part of your argument is acknowledging that we are characters in a play.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:09] Well, I mean, your scenario acknowledged it.

[1:13:12] That's true.

[1:13:12] So I felt like that was fair game.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:14] Well, you know what, guys?

[1:13:15] Maybe it was just because it felt like a more novel approach.

[1:13:17] It felt like Dan was kind of biting Stuart style.

[1:13:20] On this one.

[1:13:21] But I'm going to give Stuart this one.

[1:13:23] I feel like –

Dan McCoy

[1:13:23] Just because he went first.

[1:13:25] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:25] Yeah.

[1:13:25] Yeah, he did go first.

[1:13:27] And then he said he did it first.

[1:13:28] He did it best.

[1:13:29] I'll be first.

[1:13:30] You'll be worst.

[1:13:31] We're seeing Friday the 13th, part six.

[1:13:33] Jason lives and hopefully walking out with a new appreciation of life, death, and everything in between.

[1:13:38] What a beautiful – I can only assume the movie is as beautiful as the argument that you made.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:42] When we see Jason smack a dude against a tree and in killing him, it also leaves a smiley face imprinted into the tree.

[1:13:49] It'll really make us think about our lives.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:52] Yeah, let's step outside of the historical context.

[1:13:54] Stu, I don't remember Jason lives that well.

[1:13:57] It's a good one, yeah.

[1:13:58] It's a good installment?

[1:13:59] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:59] It's probably like – it's one of the sillier ones.

[1:14:02] Okay.

[1:14:03] And that's after part five was the one where there's no Jason at all.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:06] Is that the one where the guy like digs him up just to make sure that he's dead and he pees on him and he comes back to life?

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:13] Yeah, because pee brings people back to life, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:15] Well, it's now lightning bolt.

[1:14:16] Lightning hits.

[1:14:17] Yeah, lightning hits him.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:18] It comes back to life.

[1:14:18] Yeah, lightning hits the pee, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:20] It's very silly.

[1:14:21] It's not like the – it is one of my favorite Jason resurrection stories, although my favorite, of course, is part seven,

[1:14:27] where he is resurrected because the telekinetic girl is trying to resurrect her dead father who she accidentally drowned

[1:14:34] and instead resurrects Jason.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:38] It's an honest mistake.

[1:14:39] It happens.

[1:14:39] That's why you got to be more specific.

[1:14:41] People make that mistake.

[1:14:42] All right.

[1:14:42] We're running long in this episode, so let's just get to this next scenario.

[1:14:46] It's a quick one, and this is the last one.

[1:14:48] Going into it, Stuart has a slight lead, but we'll see what happens.

[1:14:53] Turn around.

[1:14:54] Dan, you're in the catbird seat.

[1:14:55] You get to choose which movie we're going to see.

[1:14:56] Okay.

[1:14:57] Or which movie – you get to choose which of the movies you're going to champion.

[1:15:00] Yes.

[1:15:00] So here it is.

[1:15:01] Quick, easy scenario.

[1:15:03] The date is October 20th, 1983, and we are William Golding, author of Lord of the Flies, The Inheritors, and Darkness Visible.

[1:15:10] Okay.

[1:15:11] Two weeks ago, we were shocked by the announcement that we would be receiving the Nobel Prize in literature.

[1:15:15] Our selection came as quite a surprise.

[1:15:17] A positive one at first.

[1:15:19] But less and less so, as many commentators noted that it most likely shuts out fellow Englishman Graham Greene from ever receiving the coveted award since it is unlikely the Nobel Committee will return to the British literature well before the 79-year-old Greene passes on.

[1:15:32] And of course, the Nobel Prize can only be given to living winners.

[1:15:35] The author of The End of the Affair and The Quiet American has made it clear that he is quite unhappy, and word has come to us through intermediaries that Greene is out for our blood.

[1:15:44] Fleeing our home, we have been spending our days in ceaseless motion and our nights in hiding, for Graham Greene has spies everywhere, and word has spread throughout the criminal haunts of London that he'll pay a pretty penny for the head of William Golding.

[1:15:56] As the evening sets, we find ourselves in a rough neighborhood, one we begin to feel unsafe in.

[1:16:01] Wait, is that the sound of footsteps behind us?

[1:16:03] Quick, duck into the nearest building.

[1:16:05] It's a cinema.

[1:16:06] Inside, two doors stand before us.

[1:16:08] Which show we choose, knowing that if those pursuing us have followed us thus far and mean us ill, this film may be the last thing we ever see.

[1:16:18] So, gentlemen.

[1:16:18] That was a simple scenario.

[1:16:20] Yes.

[1:16:21] Which movie are we going to see?

[1:16:22] Is it National Lampoon's Vacation or Class, starring Andrew McCarthy, Rob Lowe, and Jacqueline Bissette?

[1:16:28] Dan, you get to choose first.

[1:16:29] Are you choosing National Lampoon's Vacation as the final film for William Golding or Class?

[1:16:36] Oh, boy.

[1:16:38] Uh.

[1:16:39] Keep in mind, we are William Golding.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:46] Yeah.

[1:16:48] Okay.

[1:16:49] I'm going to choose Class.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:53] Okay.

[1:16:54] Interesting.

[1:16:55] Okay.

[1:16:56] And so, Stuart, you will be arguing the case of National Lampoon's Vacation.

[1:17:00] Dan, you'll go first.

[1:17:01] Why should we – let's imagine these posters are on the doors ahead of us.

[1:17:05] Why are we going through the door with the Class poster?

[1:17:08] Tell us about it.

[1:17:08] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:09] First, I will describe – we have three people sitting on a love seat, kind of an older, classier love seat.

[1:17:21] And Rob Lowe is fully dressed to the far left as we face it.

[1:17:28] Jacqueline Bissette is in kind of a robe, it looks like, revealing a lot of her cleavage.

[1:17:35] She's in like a sexy gown.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:37] And Rob Lowe is in a private school uniform.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:39] Yes.

[1:17:39] Right.

[1:17:39] Yes.

[1:17:39] And Andrew McCarthy is fully nude but for the private school tie that he still has around his neck.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:47] And now, I want you to – so, this is not a – this is not a photograph.

[1:17:50] This is a painting.

[1:17:51] I want you to talk for a moment about the quality of the portraiture in this painting.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:56] I would say –

[1:17:57] Andrew McCarthy immediately recognizable.

[1:18:00] Andrew McCarthy is the best.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:00] Yes.

[1:18:00] Yeah.

[1:18:01] I immediately was like – Jacqueline Bissette, I don't actually remember what she looks like well enough to speak to.

[1:18:07] But Rob Lowe, it took me a moment to be like, that's Rob Lowe.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:10] And Andrew McCarthy has a real goofy look on his face.

[1:18:12] Yeah, he does.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:14] Rob Lowe looks like a wax figure of himself.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:18] And Dan, we only have a few moments.

[1:18:21] Yeah.

[1:18:21] So, do we have time to even read the text on the poster?

[1:18:24] I guess we'll have to.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:25] I'll just – it says the good news is Jonathan is having his first affair.

[1:18:28] The bad news is she's his roommate's mother, class.

[1:18:33] And do you know what?

[1:18:34] Here's the – you know, it's a two-pronged argument.

[1:18:37] True-pronged?

[1:18:38] Those prongs are true.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:40] No, and I'll mention, these movies did not come out on the same day in the United States.

[1:18:44] But they were released the same weekend in England.

[1:18:47] William Golding is on the run from Brian James.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:50] I trust your attention to detail.

[1:18:52] Yeah.

[1:18:53] While on the run, I think William Golding, me, I'm taken in by, number one, class.

[1:19:00] I like class.

[1:19:02] I'm a classy guy.

[1:19:02] Nobel Prize winner, sure, yeah.

[1:19:04] Nobel Prize winner.

[1:19:05] Number two, private school.

[1:19:08] I'm in England.

[1:19:10] They call it public school over there.

[1:19:12] Makes no sense.

[1:19:13] But –

[1:19:14] I didn't know Jay Sims was on this podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:17] And he did – if only he was here to tell us about England.

[1:19:21] And also, he is perhaps one of the greatest chroniclers of the savagery of private school children with his novel, Lord of the Flies.

[1:19:30] That's true, that's true, of course.

[1:19:32] Yeah.

[1:19:32] So this is a real Lord of the Flies situation where instead of becoming violent towards each other, they have become sexually aggressive towards their mothers, I guess.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:40] Yeah.

[1:19:41] Well, and number three, the last point that goes through my mind is I might die.

[1:19:47] This looks really horny.

[1:19:49] And I just need to – before I go, see a real horny movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:53] So you're – so this is – so Dan is William Golding, Nobel Prize winning author.

[1:19:57] He's on the run for his life.

[1:19:59] He says, if I'm going to die, let me die rubbing it out in a theater to a private school student having sex with Jacqueline Bessette.

[1:20:07] I have nothing left to lose.

[1:20:08] Yeah.

[1:20:09] I have nothing left to lose.

[1:20:11] I might as well live my bucket list dream.

[1:20:13] Okay, Dan, a solid argument for William Golding to go see Class.

[1:20:19] Stuart, the ball's in your court.

[1:20:21] Why should he see National Lampoon's Vacation?

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:23] National Lampoon's Vacation.

[1:20:25] Now, this poster promises untold adventure and excitement.

[1:20:31] Now, it is a – it is lusciously painted, almost fantasy Boris Vallejo backdrop.

[1:20:41] Centered is Chevy Chase ripping out of his shirt, holding up some luggage and brandishing a tennis racket as if it were Excalibur itself.

[1:20:51] And clinging to his legs are his – we will learn is his daughter and his wife.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:57] I don't think that's correct.

[1:20:59] His daughter is not clinging to him that way.

[1:21:01] I believe the second woman is Christy Brinkley.

[1:21:03] Oh, that's Christy Brinkley?

[1:21:04] Yeah.

[1:21:05] Okay.

[1:21:05] Back again somehow.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:08] And Beverly D'Angelo who – while they clearly scaled up Chevy Chase's hotness here, I feel like they had to tone down Beverly D'Angelo.

[1:21:18] She's incredible.

[1:21:19] Okay.

[1:21:19] So, tagline.

[1:21:21] Every summer, Chevy Chase takes his family on a little trip.

[1:21:24] This year, he went too far.

[1:21:25] Now –

[1:21:25] What I like about this is –

[1:21:26] The question is –

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:27] Yeah, exactly.

[1:21:28] Yes, Stuart, you continue.

[1:21:29] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:30] Chevy Chase plays himself apparently.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:35] That's what I love is they're like, look, let's not even – let's not even waste time with a character name.

[1:21:40] Like, just call him Chevy Chase.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:44] And me, William Golding, I am trying to escape, like physically, literally.

[1:21:53] Maybe it's time to escape mentally as well and go on a little adventure into this land of Narnia that is National Lampoon's Vacation.

[1:22:03] That's it.

[1:22:05] I'm trying to escape.

[1:22:05] And also, I feel like if my pursuers were going to pick which one I would go into, they would assume I would be – go to the highbrow sex comedy.

[1:22:16] While instead, I'll be going to the lowbrow sex comedy to throw them off my scent.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:21] Oh, that's very smart.

[1:22:23] That's good strategic thinking.

[1:22:24] But you would think nothing less of William Golding, the man who was able to write a novel about cavemen.

[1:22:32] So, guys, this is a tough decision.

[1:22:35] You have both made great arguments.

[1:22:38] Not great choices, I would say.

[1:22:39] You've both made great arguments.

[1:22:41] In life?

[1:22:42] No, certainly not.

[1:22:43] If this is – to be honest, your arguments were too good because I'll tell you how this scenario plays out.

[1:22:48] Let's choose your own adventure on this one.

[1:22:50] He looks at class and thinks, that is the kind of movie I'd like to see, a sophisticated movie I can masturbate to right before I die.

[1:22:56] But wait, they would expect that of me.

[1:22:58] I'll go to National Lampoon's Vacation, and I will trick my pursuers.

[1:23:02] He opens the door, and unfortunately, that split second of indecision gave them just enough time to catch up with him, put his hands behind his back, and they're going to take him to see Da Boss, as they call him, Graham Green.

[1:23:15] And so it is a tragic end for William Golding.

[1:23:18] It's a green machine, they call him.

[1:23:21] Yep.

[1:23:23] But I am going to give that one to Stuart.

[1:23:26] No, I'm going to give that one to Dan.

[1:23:27] I'm going to give that one to Dan because, honestly, Dan, I think you got inside William Golding's head even more about what he would want.

[1:23:37] I think the minute he saw Andrew McCarthy sitting there naked with a goofy expression on his face and a private school tie, he said, well, this is the kind of ribald, unsophisticated comedy that I'm in the mood for.

[1:23:47] So totaling up the scores, we see that Dan has one, two, three, four, and Stuart has one, two, three, and four.

[1:24:02] It's a tie, guys.

[1:24:03] You both win.

[1:24:04] It shows that you are both not just movie experts, but you are also, at heart, just movie lovers.

[1:24:11] Movie sexperts.

[1:24:13] Or movie sexperts.

[1:24:14] I mean, the way you were talking about class, probably, and zapped.

[1:24:17] You know what?

[1:24:17] I see a theme between the movies that Dan was choosing the champion.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:20] Real quick, before we sign off, of those double features, which one would you most likely want to see in the theater?

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:27] Should I go back through them and tell you what they were again?

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:30] I think the early ones were good.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:32] It's called heightening.

[1:24:34] So Die Hard and A Fish Called Wanda.

[1:24:37] A Jewel of Denial and A Chorus Line, the movie.

[1:24:39] The Care Bears movie and Police Academy 2, their first assignment.

[1:24:42] I think that might be it.

[1:24:43] That might be it.

[1:24:44] Zapped or The World According to Garp.

[1:24:46] Look Who's Talking To or The Wizard.

[1:24:49] Howard the Duck or Friday the 13th Part 6, Jason Lives.

[1:24:51] Oh, that one's really good.

[1:24:52] Or National Lampoon's Vacation or Class.

[1:24:54] Which double features would you guys want to see?

Dan McCoy

[1:24:56] Well, I mean, the one I would genuinely like to see is the first one because those are two movies I actually enjoy.

[1:25:02] Yeah, those are two good movies.

[1:25:03] But for inflicting random pain on myself kind of fun, I think I would go with Care Bears and Police Academy.

[1:25:16] That's a strong showing.

[1:25:17] That's the masochistic side of yourself.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:19] And Stuart, what about you?

[1:25:19] What would you go see?

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:20] I mean, it's tough because in a way, isn't Bobcat Goldthwait the real Care Bear cousin?

[1:25:28] He's a cat, so yeah, he's an animal, sure.

[1:25:30] Yeah.

[1:25:31] Yeah, I mean, it's probably Howard the Duck and Jason Lives, although I've seen those movies so many times.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:36] That was a close one, but I think I'm going to go with Jewel of the Nile and A Chorus Line the movie because I've honestly never seen either of them.

[1:25:42] And they, I mean, A Chorus Line the movie I've seen little bits of, and it kind of baffles me a little bit.

[1:25:47] But I'm like, I can't even imagine what these movies are going to be like in a way.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:51] I would say that as much as I made fun of Jewel of the Nile, and it's bad, especially compared to Romance of the Stone, there's fun stuff in it.

[1:26:00] I'm sure, yeah.

[1:26:01] They both, like that and Chorus Line I think would be both good as very much like snapshots of the types of movies that existed at that time.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:09] And now what double feature would you like to see the least of these ones?

[1:26:13] Because I'll say for me it's Zapped and the World According to Garp.

[1:26:16] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:16] Those are two movies that just don't seem appealing to me.

[1:26:19] Yeah, I might watch one of those individually or –

[1:26:27] I mean, there's certain scenes from one of them that you would watch.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:29] I just –

Dan McCoy

[1:26:30] You'd wear out the tape in just those segments, yeah.

[1:26:33] I think that as a double feature, that would be too much whiplash to watch those two movies together.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:40] No, I think it's the look who's talking to the wizard, I think.

[1:26:44] I couldn't do it.

[1:26:44] Yeah.

[1:26:45] I think they'd be too boring.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:46] You'd be so mad at – you're like, the Power Glove was never that good.

[1:26:50] It was never that good.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:51] Like, that's not how you play Super Mario Bros. 3.

[1:26:53] Oh, God.

[1:26:54] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:54] You guys know me too well.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:57] Well, thanks, Dan and Stuart, for playing this game.

[1:26:59] Thanks, listeners, for listening to this.

[1:27:01] I know this was a long mini, but I hope you enjoyed the quest we went on.

[1:27:05] I would like to thank our editor slash producer, Alex Smith.

[1:27:08] He is on the internet as Howell Doughty.

[1:27:11] Listen to his podcast, Fast Track, where he and a guest make up a song right on the spur of the moment.

[1:27:15] We did one, and it was a great, fun episode, and I think the song came out really cool.

[1:27:19] We are a Maximum Fun podcast.

[1:27:21] Please check out the other podcasts at MaximumFun.org.

[1:27:25] And, hey, if you've got some extra time on your hands and you feel like helping us out a little to get our name out there in the world,

[1:27:30] if you enjoyed this little trip through movie history, why not leave a review for us, a positive one thank you,

[1:27:36] on the podcast app of your choice so that other people can find out about the podcast,

[1:27:41] and Dan and I can continue to pay our bills during this strike.

[1:27:45] We appreciate it.

[1:27:46] Thank you so much, guys.

[1:27:47] Do you have any final words before I end this installment?

Dan McCoy

[1:27:52] No, this is a fun one, Elliot.

[1:27:53] Let's do it again sometime.

[1:27:56] How about right now?

[1:27:58] Okay, welcome to the Flop House Mini.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:00] My name is Elliot Kalin.

[1:28:01] We're going to play a little game.

[1:28:02] And fade out the audio slowly.

[1:28:04] Stop me before I kill again.

[1:28:05] So in this one, we're going to talk about the 1930s, two movies that came out at the same time in the 1930s.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:10] Okay, what characters are we playing, Game Master?

[1:28:19] Maximum Fun.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:20] A worker-owned network.

[1:28:21] Of artists-owned shows.

[1:28:23] Supported.

[1:28:24] Directly.

[1:28:25] By you.

FH Mini 86 - Watch Which?

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