K-9, LIVE!

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss K-9!

[0:02] Live from Chicago, Illinois!

Stuart Wellington

[0:30] Don't hurt yourselves.

Dan McCoy

[0:37] Elliot, Elliot, you're milking so hard.

[0:40] That's how you get milk at udders.

[0:41] You gotta do it hard.

[0:43] You know that Chicago and cows are mortal enemies.

[0:46] You're right.

[0:47] You're right.

Elliott Kalan

[0:48] That's why they cut them up and eat them.

Dan McCoy

[0:52] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:55] I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:56] Hey, what's up?

[0:56] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:58] Hey, I'm Elliot Kalin.

Elliott Kalan

[0:59] And Stuart briefly forgot that this was a show.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02] Well, Dan looked me right in the eyes.

Dan McCoy

[1:04] And you were transfixed.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06] Yeah, yeah.

[1:06] Yeah, you're a regular car from Jungle Book.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10] That was the reference I was gonna make.

Dan McCoy

[1:12] That was one for the children.

[1:13] So this is our late show here at Sleeping Village.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18] Okay, that's why Dan's not wearing pants.

Dan McCoy

[1:21] We talked about another Jim Belushi picture.

[1:24] What do we do on this podcast?

[1:25] This is a podcast where we watch a movie

[1:29] that perhaps audiences or critics are both rejected.

[1:33] Uh-huh.

[1:33] And then we talk about it.

[1:35] Sounds good.

[1:36] So continue.

[1:36] You were saying?

[1:37] This is a late show.

[1:38] This is a late show.

Stuart Wellington

[1:39] We don't often cover movies that spawned multiple sequels

[1:43] like this one, which made K-9-1-1,

[1:45] and of course, K-19, The Widowmaker.

[1:47] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:50] And of course, K-9-1-1-2 weeks.

Dan McCoy

[1:57] I mean, this movie kind of has that scene.

[1:59] It kind of is that.

[1:59] Yeah, that's true.

[2:01] It gets uncomfortably in that direction.

[2:02] Yeah, this is another Jim Belushi movie.

[2:05] And this one...

[2:05] During our early show,

[2:07] we talked about a different Jim Belushi movie.

[2:08] Yeah, it was called Taking Care of Business.

[2:11] TCB.

[2:11] What was it ever called that?

[2:13] And this one is called K-9.

[2:15] It's named after a dog.

[2:16] Yeah.

[2:18] Well, it's not named after a dog.

[2:20] I don't know why I'm filibustering so long.

[2:22] This is...

[2:22] I could just start talking about the movie.

[2:24] How about that?

Elliott Kalan

[2:24] We should mention before the show,

[2:26] for the podcast listener,

[2:27] Dan did a presentation that really roasted Stuart and I hard.

[2:31] And I think he's got this look in his face

[2:32] like he is stalling to keep the show going longer

[2:34] so we don't beat his ass after the show.

[2:38] Like, as long as we have so many eyes watching us,

Stuart Wellington

[2:41] they can't hurt me.

[2:41] The minute we're off stage,

[2:43] I'm going to fastball special Elliot to dance so hard.

Dan McCoy

[2:49] Oh, man.

[2:49] That is a beautiful mapping of characters,

[2:54] X-Men characters.

[2:55] So, okay.

[2:56] K-9.

[2:57] Yeah, K-9.

[2:58] It's a movie that I was surprised to find

[3:00] was not like a lovable comedy about a cop and a dog.

[3:05] Like, say, Turner and Hooch that came out the same year.

Stuart Wellington

[3:07] Yeah, I feel like I saw it as a kid

[3:10] and I was expecting it to be a Turner and Hooch

[3:12] because it has a lovable star,

[3:15] a comedy star like Tom Hanks.

[3:17] Yeah.

[3:17] In Jim Belushi.

[3:18] In Jim Belushi, yeah.

[3:19] This is like a lethal weapon,

[3:22] but you swap out rigs for a dog.

Dan McCoy

[3:25] We were talking about it before the show.

[3:27] Like, this is,

[3:28] it's amazing the degree to which

[3:29] this is just a cop buddy comedy

[3:31] where they were like,

[3:32] well, it's probably cheaper

[3:33] if we make one of them a dog.

[3:34] And they didn't change the script at all.

Elliott Kalan

[3:38] I thought,

[3:39] so when I first started watching it,

[3:40] I was like,

[3:41] all right,

[3:41] this isn't the music I would put

[3:42] in the beginning of a comedy.

[3:43] Oh, a helicopter gunship

[3:45] is blasting away at a car.

[3:46] Yeah, that's not how

[3:47] I would start a comedy either.

[3:48] Two people are having sex in a car.

[3:51] That could happen in a comedy, Dan.

[3:53] Yeah, that could happen.

[3:54] It was a helicopter gunship.

Dan McCoy

[3:55] That's foreshadowing for a later scene.

Elliott Kalan

[3:56] It was a helicopter with gunmen in it.

[3:58] It was not a helicopter gunship.

[3:59] I apologize.

[4:00] Jim Belushi.

[4:01] To all the dads out there

[4:02] who are mad that I misidentified

[4:04] a piece of military armament.

Stuart Wellington

[4:08] That was like when my dad saw

[4:09] Lord of the Rings,

[4:10] the Two Towers

[4:11] and he couldn't stop complaining

[4:12] about the mistakes

[4:13] with siege warfare presented.

Elliott Kalan

[4:15] I'm like,

[4:15] bitch, there's orcs in it.

[4:17] Ultimately,

[4:18] when my dad saw the Patriot

[4:19] and he was like,

[4:20] that's how they really fought back then.

[4:21] And I'm like,

[4:22] yeah,

[4:22] I guess that's the highest compliment

[4:23] you can pay to a movie.

[4:25] Yeah.

[4:28] So...

[4:28] I also don't think it is

[4:29] how they really...

[4:30] Doesn't he like,

[4:30] he's throwing a lot of axes and things?

[4:32] Like,

[4:32] I don't think that's what happens.

[4:33] I mean,

Stuart Wellington

[4:33] I think the only thing,

[4:34] like my dad also was very excited

[4:36] about that like cannons

[4:37] were presented accurately.

[4:39] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[4:41] This is what happens

[4:42] when I'm in charge of the summer.

[4:44] We end up talking about dads.

[4:44] It doesn't happen.

[4:45] Yeah,

[4:45] we end up talking about

[4:46] dad military movies.

[4:47] Jim Belushi is Detective Michael Dooley

[4:49] and he is...

[4:50] Is he ever?

[4:52] He's on a stakeout.

Elliott Kalan

[4:53] Even his girlfriend calls him Dooley,

[4:56] which I think is very funny.

Dan McCoy

[4:57] He's on a stakeout.

[4:58] He's playing a handheld video game

[4:59] and as Elliot mentioned,

[5:02] a helicopter tries to shoot him.

[5:04] Luckily,

[5:05] he has barged into a car

[5:06] where people are having sex

[5:07] to try and call his girlfriend

[5:08] and be like...

[5:08] To use their car phone?

[5:10] Yeah.

[5:10] Luckily,

[5:10] they have a car phone.

[5:11] Yeah.

[5:12] I gotta be...

[5:12] I'm gonna be home late

[5:14] and his car gets shot up

[5:16] by helicopter goons.

[5:17] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[5:18] And...

[5:19] Helicopter goons

[5:20] are the people

[5:20] who won't leave the goons alone

[5:21] to just play on their own.

[5:25] These goons just want to masturbate

[5:27] for hours and hours

[5:28] and they're just hovering over them.

[5:30] We'll let it happen.

Dan McCoy

[5:34] The worst nightmare.

[5:37] For some people,

[5:38] it might be what they want.

[5:39] You never know.

[5:40] Yeah.

[5:40] So Dooley goes to his lieutenant.

[5:41] He's like,

[5:42] I need a new car.

[5:44] The lieutenant's like,

[5:46] hey,

[5:46] why don't you work with a partner?

[5:48] And Dooley's like,

[5:49] no.

[5:51] I'm a movie cop.

[5:52] I decide how I do things.

[5:54] Yeah.

[5:54] We learn that he's on the trail

[5:56] of a drug dealer

[5:57] named Lyman

[5:57] and also in this scene,

[6:00] the lieutenant punches Dooley,

[6:01] which makes the lieutenant my hero.

[6:03] Yeah.

[6:06] At home,

[6:06] Dooley's upset.

[6:07] His girlfriend Tracy

[6:08] went out with another guy.

[6:09] I think you forgot

[6:10] the most important thing.

[6:11] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[6:11] They live in an apartment

[6:12] that has a really sick

[6:13] glass brick wall.

[6:14] Yeah.

[6:15] It does.

Dan McCoy

[6:16] That screams class.

Elliott Kalan

[6:18] It's a cool 80s apartment.

[6:20] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[6:20] Yeah.

[6:21] And he's mad.

[6:22] Tracy did not just stick around

[6:24] while he stood her up for hours.

[6:26] She went out with a friend.

[6:27] So she went out with a friend

[6:29] who's an airplane pilot

Stuart Wellington

[6:30] and a successful novelist.

[6:32] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[6:34] I mean,

[6:34] he's got all that time

[6:35] when he's flying the plane

[6:36] to just write,

[6:37] you know?

[6:38] We learn that Dooley's not.

[6:39] Didn't Sully come out

[6:40] with a book?

[6:42] He was like,

[6:43] that was the best

[6:44] they ever did.

[6:47] The end.

Dan McCoy

[6:47] What just happened

[6:48] to the jet over there?

Elliott Kalan

[6:52] Sully,

[6:53] you were writing a novel

[6:54] and you let a goose

[6:55] go into the turbine?

[6:56] I'm sorry, boss.

[6:57] I'm sorry.

[6:58] We can't let anyone know

[6:59] that all our pilots

[7:00] are writing novels

[7:00] while they're flying planes.

[7:04] Stephen King

[7:05] has been covering

[7:06] for our pilot

[7:07] Richard Bachman

[7:08] all these years.

[7:10] It's a real good thing

[7:12] he's doing for the FAA.

[7:14] So right away

[7:14] we see that Dooley...

[7:17] We're in the home of improv.

[7:19] Dan can't yes and

[7:20] save his life.

[7:23] But anyway, Dan,

[7:23] you're saying?

Dan McCoy

[7:24] So Dooley goes home.

[7:25] You know,

[7:25] I don't want the good people

[7:26] at Sleeping Village

[7:27] to be here

[7:28] until one in the morning.

[7:29] Good point.

[7:30] Good point.

[7:31] You know,

[7:31] Dooley's not only

[7:33] a loose cannon,

[7:34] he's not a great boyfriend.

[7:37] During the scene also,

[7:38] of course,

[7:38] Tracy strips through

[7:39] her underwear

[7:39] providing the hint of sex

[7:41] that any dog comedy needs.

Elliott Kalan

[7:46] You know,

[7:47] Dooley learns from...

[7:48] Never mind.

[7:48] I'm not even going to say it.

[7:49] It's horrible.

[7:50] It was going to be a joke

[7:51] about a scene

[7:51] that does not exist

[7:52] in the movie Beethoven.

Stuart Wellington

[7:57] Using a little police...

[7:58] But my novel

[7:59] explores

[8:00] what if it did exist.

[8:02] My novel presupposes

Elliott Kalan

[8:03] what if they did have sex.

Dan McCoy

[8:08] Dooley uses a little

[8:09] police brutality

[8:10] to learn that

[8:12] Lyman has

[8:13] some drugs

[8:14] in a warehouse.

[8:14] Isn't that when he

Elliott Kalan

[8:15] handcuffs a man

[8:15] to his car

[8:16] and then drives

[8:16] onto the freeway

[8:17] with him?

[8:17] Yeah,

Dan McCoy

[8:18] real fun stuff.

[8:21] The drugs are

[8:22] in a warehouse

[8:22] that are too big

[8:23] for him to search,

[8:24] so it sounds like

[8:24] he's going to need

[8:25] someone with a nose

[8:26] for drugs.

[8:29] Which brings us

[8:30] to the narcotics cop

[8:31] Ed O'Neill

Elliott Kalan

[8:32] from Married with Children,

[8:34] of course.

[8:34] One of two great performances

[8:35] in the movie

[8:36] by future

[8:37] Fox television stars.

Dan McCoy

[8:40] Dooley bargains

[8:41] for a dog

[8:41] by helping him

[8:42] with a drug bust

[8:43] where he just like

[8:44] rams a car

[8:44] through a house.

Elliott Kalan

[8:45] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[8:46] That's great.

[8:47] Totally legal.

Dan McCoy

[8:47] It's a legal thing

[8:48] for a cop to do.

[8:49] It's a thing that

Stuart Wellington

[8:49] there's no reason

[8:50] for him to get

[8:51] in trouble for that.

[8:52] I was impressed

[8:53] at how quickly

[8:54] he recovered

[8:54] from driving a car

[8:56] through a wall

[8:56] and then just

[8:57] started blasting

[8:58] dudes with his gun.

[8:59] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[9:00] Well, you know,

[9:00] he's Jim Belushi.

[9:01] He's a murder machine,

[9:03] that man.

Elliott Kalan

[9:04] And he's not even

[9:05] in Chicago in this movie.

[9:06] He's in San Diego,

[9:07] right?

[9:08] Yeah.

[9:08] What?

[9:08] So it's not

[9:09] his native soil.

[9:10] What are you

[9:10] even fucking

[9:10] doing here?

[9:15] Ed O'Neill...

[9:16] Do you think

[9:16] Jim Belushi

[9:17] sleeps in a coffin

[9:18] filled with Chicago dirt?

[9:18] Of course he does.

Dan McCoy

[9:23] Just to keep his powers.

[9:28] I laughed

[9:29] and then coughed

[9:30] so hard

[9:30] that my spine

[9:31] realigns.

[9:34] Ed O'Neill

Elliott Kalan

[9:35] loans him a canine

[9:36] to find the dog.

[9:37] This is where he's like,

[9:38] hey, give me

[9:39] one of these dogs.

[9:40] And he's like,

[9:40] okay.

[9:41] And he just takes it

[9:41] home with him

[9:42] for a few days.

[9:42] Like, I don't even

[9:43] think he fills

[9:44] any paperwork.

[9:45] But this is a

Dan McCoy

[9:45] German Shetland pony.

[9:51] It's a veteran

[9:52] canine officer,

[9:53] but this German

[9:54] shepherd has some

[9:55] personality quirks.

[9:56] Yeah, it's rigs,

[9:57] basically.

[9:58] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[9:58] He's got trauma.

[9:59] He only eats chili.

[10:01] Yeah.

[10:02] His name is Jerry Lee.

[10:04] Just like Riggs.

Dan McCoy

[10:07] Jerry Lee Riggs.

[10:10] The search of the

[10:12] warehouse is

[10:12] unsuccessful.

[10:13] Jerry Lee only

[10:14] locates a joint

[10:15] being smoked

[10:15] by a worker.

[10:17] We meet Lyman.

[10:18] Ice is called in

[10:19] to take him away.

Elliott Kalan

[10:20] God.

[10:21] We meet...

[10:22] It doesn't really

[10:22] happen.

[10:23] This is a better

[10:23] world.

[10:24] The 80s when Jim

[10:24] Belushi was just

[10:25] crashing cars into

[10:26] houses.

[10:26] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[10:27] driving people

[10:28] on the freeway.

[10:29] We meet Lyman,

[10:30] who's one of these

[10:31] 80s action movie

[10:32] bad guys,

[10:33] who's a pillar

[10:33] of the community.

[10:35] Yeah, but he's

Stuart Wellington

[10:35] also the owner

[10:36] of what,

[10:37] the Double Deuce?

Dan McCoy

[10:38] Yeah, it's Kevin

[10:39] Tai.

[10:41] He's also...

[10:42] What else is he in?

[10:43] He's in a lot of stuff.

[10:44] He's in a lot of stuff.

[10:44] He's on the show

[10:45] Emergency.

[10:45] Classic villain actor.

Stuart Wellington

[10:47] He most recently

[10:47] was in One Battle

[10:48] After Another.

[10:49] Yeah.

[10:49] That's right.

Elliott Kalan

[10:50] But he's great.

[10:51] He's one of these

[10:52] classic villains

[10:53] who's like,

[10:54] he throws a charity

[10:55] gala at his house,

[10:56] but he also,

[10:57] in the same room

[10:57] that he shot

[10:58] someone in earlier,

[10:59] and he does a lot

[10:59] of like,

[11:00] officer,

[11:01] please,

[11:01] I'm just an

[11:02] ordinary businessman.

[11:04] That kind of stuff.

[11:05] But he's got

[11:05] the face of a villain.

[11:06] Yeah.

[11:07] Big scar spider

[11:08] mandibles.

Stuart Wellington

[11:10] I feel like in the 80s

[11:11] they understood

[11:12] that those rich people

[11:13] are the villains.

[11:14] I'm pretty sure

Elliott Kalan

[11:16] they're sci-fi

[11:17] god warriors

[11:17] that are going to

[11:18] take us to other planets.

Dan McCoy

[11:21] So Julie follows up

[11:23] on another lead.

[11:24] He goes to a bar.

[11:25] We meet a very young

[11:26] Pruitt Taylor Vance

[11:28] as Benny the Mule.

[11:30] Not an actual mule.

[11:31] I was disappointed.

[11:33] I thought it was going

[11:34] to become a Zootopia.

Stuart Wellington

[11:37] He and the other,

[11:39] like,

[11:39] why does the fox

[11:40] got to be a cop in that?

[11:41] That was what I was wondering.

[11:42] It's like,

[11:43] animated foxes

[11:44] I want them to be Robin Hoods.

[11:45] I don't want them

[11:46] to be cops.

[11:47] If I'm going to want

[11:48] to fuck an animated fox man,

[11:50] I want them to be cool.

Elliott Kalan

[11:50] Zootopia 2 is coming out.

[11:51] Maybe he's a bad cop

[11:52] that sells drugs on the side.

[11:53] Okay.

[11:55] I just think it's weird

[11:56] they have a snake

[11:56] in the movie

[11:57] when there's a snake

[11:57] and bad guys already.

[11:58] What's going on, Dan?

[12:00] Yeah, Dan.

[12:00] Well, what's going on

Dan McCoy

[12:01] in K-9

[12:02] is that

[12:03] Benny and the Barflies

[12:07] immediately, like,

[12:09] grab Dooley.

[12:10] They're going to, like,

[12:10] beat him up

[12:11] or kill him, maybe.

[12:13] And he's saved

[12:13] by Jerry Lee

[12:14] and Jim Belushi's

[12:16] character Dooley

[12:17] responses by yelling

[12:18] at the dog a lot.

Stuart Wellington

[12:20] I do,

[12:20] I remember that scene

[12:22] where they throw

[12:22] the pool ball

[12:23] at Jerry Lee

[12:24] and he catches it

[12:25] in his mouth

[12:25] and bites it in the ass.

[12:26] He crunches it, yeah.

[12:27] I remember as a kid,

[12:28] I was like,

[12:28] that's pretty cool.

[12:29] That dog's sick.

[12:31] That dog should be

[12:32] the star of this movie.

[12:34] I mean,

[12:35] I still feel that way.

[12:36] I mean,

[12:36] kind of, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[12:38] There's a,

[12:39] Benny gives up

[12:39] the location

[12:40] of the next shipment

[12:41] of drugs

[12:42] and there are

[12:42] some hilarious joke scenes

[12:44] where Dooley tries

[12:44] to put deodorant

[12:45] on the dog

[12:45] but the dog

[12:46] crushes the can.

[12:47] So Dooley proves

[12:48] he's willing

[12:48] to ruin his car

[12:49] to win a fight

[12:50] with a dog

[12:50] by sending his convertible

[12:52] through a car wash

[12:53] with the dog

[12:54] in it

[12:55] in the top open.

[12:56] And this dog

Elliott Kalan

[12:56] who is growling

[12:57] and baring its teeth

[12:58] the entire time,

[12:59] he then sends in

[13:00] the car wash crew

[13:00] to dry it off

[13:01] and it's like,

[13:02] don't do that.

[13:03] Stay away from that dog.

[13:04] What are you doing?

Dan McCoy

[13:06] At home,

[13:07] Jerry Lee acts

[13:08] like the perfect dog

[13:09] in front of Tracy.

[13:10] Yeah.

[13:10] And Dooley

[13:12] genuinely seems like

[13:13] he thinks the dog

[13:15] is going to steal

[13:15] his girlfriend.

Elliott Kalan

[13:16] Yeah.

[13:17] Because he's

[13:17] such a bad boyfriend.

[13:19] The dog is instantly

[13:20] a better boyfriend.

[13:23] And the dog

[13:24] is making it difficult

[13:26] for them to have sex.

[13:27] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[13:28] It feeds him

[13:28] a whole frozen steak.

[13:29] It's great.

[13:30] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[13:31] You get to see

[13:31] a lot of Jim Belushi

[13:32] in just his boxer shorts

[13:33] for the ladies.

Dan McCoy

[13:36] Probably good for Tracy

[13:37] that that dog

[13:38] is cock blocking.

Elliott Kalan

[13:41] I don't know.

[13:41] From the movie

[13:42] we talked about

[13:42] in the early show,

[13:43] we know Jim Belushi

[13:43] is a dynamo

[13:44] in the sack.

[13:45] That's right.

[13:46] In taking care of business.

[13:47] You know what kind of business

[13:47] he was taking care of?

[13:48] Sex business.

Dan McCoy

[13:51] There's a scene

[13:52] at a restaurant

[13:53] that I only mentioned

[13:53] because Dan Kesslin

[13:54] that is in it.

[13:55] That's the second appearance

Elliott Kalan

[13:56] by a future Fox TV star

[13:58] and he's hilarious in it.

[13:59] Yeah.

[14:00] I was like,

[14:01] I so wish he was

Dan McCoy

[14:02] the cop in this movie.

[14:04] But...

[14:04] I mean,

[14:05] he appropriately

[14:06] treats this man

[14:08] with disdain.

[14:10] This is before

[14:10] he has beach hijinks

[14:12] and assaults a woman,

[14:13] right?

[14:13] Yeah.

[14:14] To avoid

[14:15] the bad guys

[14:16] seeing him,

[14:17] he does the classic...

[14:18] Because the bad guy

Elliott Kalan

[14:18] is sitting in a chair

[14:19] on the beach

[14:20] fully in his suit

[14:21] and everything, right?

[14:21] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[14:22] Yeah, having his

[14:22] bad guy business meeting there.

[14:24] And Julie does

[14:24] the classic,

[14:25] like, I'm gonna...

[14:26] His BBM,

[14:27] bad guy business meeting.

Dan McCoy

[14:30] Brazilian business meeting.

[14:32] He, like,

[14:33] kisses this woman

[14:34] but, like,

[14:34] lays on top of her

[14:36] and she responds

[14:37] sensibly

[14:38] by kicking him

[14:39] in the nuts.

Elliott Kalan

[14:39] It is the closest

[14:40] I've seen on film

[14:42] to a story

[14:43] someone once told me

[14:44] about being

[14:45] in a hotel room

[14:46] and a ghost

[14:46] laying on top of them

[14:47] while in the middle

[14:48] of the night.

[14:48] Was that Dan Aykroyd?

[14:50] Yes.

[14:51] It was Dan Aykroyd.

[14:53] No, it was somebody else.

[14:53] But I'm sure

[14:54] he has that story, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[14:55] There's a chase scene

[14:57] where, like,

[14:58] Jim Belushi

[14:59] unfortunately makes a jump

[15:00] from one roof

[15:01] to another.

[15:03] Just like the hit movie,

[15:04] one roof after another.

[15:06] Kills the bad guy instead.

[15:08] Dooley finally gives the dog

[15:09] a little respect.

Elliott Kalan

[15:10] A man falls to his death

[15:11] and he goes,

[15:11] what is it like,

[15:12] now there's a guy

[15:13] who's gonna need...

[15:13] I forget what the joke was.

[15:14] It was like,

[15:15] sir, a man just died.

[15:16] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[15:18] And even if you don't

[15:19] care about it,

[15:20] like, there's a lot

[15:21] of paperwork

[15:21] you're gonna have to fill out.

[15:22] You seem pretty blasé

[15:23] about this.

Elliott Kalan

[15:24] It's like, there's a man

[15:24] who's gonna remain silent

[15:25] or something like that.

[15:26] Yeah.

[15:26] It's like, well,

[15:26] you wanted information

[15:27] from him,

[15:28] so this is bad for you.

Stuart Wellington

[15:28] I mean, this is the kind

[15:29] of movie where

[15:30] when he would go back

[15:30] to the office

[15:31] to fill out the paperwork,

[15:32] the dog would just eat it

[15:33] and they'd be like,

[15:34] oh, I guess not.

Dan McCoy

[15:34] Yeah, what are we gonna do?

[15:35] Yeah.

[15:37] And this leads into a scene

[15:38] that, like,

[15:39] if we had, you know,

[15:41] unlimited time,

[15:42] I assume would take up

[15:42] the next hour

[15:43] of discussion

[15:43] where there's a part...

Elliott Kalan

[15:47] We talked about the scene

[15:48] where the dog

[15:48] won't let them have sex.

Dan McCoy

[15:49] Well, that's what...

[15:50] No, no, this is...

[15:51] So, actually,

[15:53] right before this,

[15:53] there's a part

[15:54] where he figures out

[15:55] that this car dealership

[15:56] is involved in the drugs.

[15:57] Oh, yeah.

[15:58] Blah, blah, blah.

[15:58] But then...

[15:59] Yeah.

[15:59] But then...

[16:00] Yeah.

[16:01] We get a scene

[16:01] that's initially set

[16:03] to Yellow's Oh Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[16:06] And you know...

[16:06] Bow, bow.

[16:07] That is the unofficial

[16:09] theme song of the 1980s.

[16:11] Oh, yeah.

[16:12] It's not on

[16:12] Elliot Kalin's

[16:13] Doin' It mix.

[16:15] It's on my 80s

[16:17] Doin' It mix.

[16:17] Yeah.

[16:18] Okay, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[16:18] Beautiful.

[16:19] Yeah, the 90s

Elliott Kalan

[16:20] Doin' It...

Dan McCoy

[16:20] More beautiful.

Elliott Kalan

[16:25] Not for the first time

[16:26] after watching this,

[16:27] I went back

[16:27] to the Wikipedia entry

[16:29] about the song Oh Yeah.

[16:30] And I read about how...

[16:32] So it's by Yellow,

[16:34] which is just two guys mainly.

[16:35] And the one guy

[16:36] writes the music

[16:36] and the other guy

[16:37] is the vocalist.

[16:37] And it was talking about

[16:38] how when the vocalist

[16:39] came in and he had

[16:40] written lyrics for this song

[16:41] and the guy was like,

[16:42] no, no, no.

[16:43] I just want you to say,

[16:43] oh, yeah, really slow.

[16:47] And he was right.

[16:48] Yeah, he was right.

Dan McCoy

[16:50] But the reason

[16:51] this song kicks in...

Elliott Kalan

[16:53] The song...

[16:54] A song that was...

[16:55] It could only be tamed

[16:56] when Congress passed

[16:57] the put this in

[16:58] a Twix commercial act.

[17:00] This is here

Dan McCoy

[17:03] because Jerry Lee

[17:04] is getting horny

[17:05] for a poodle

[17:06] in another car.

Elliott Kalan

[17:07] And Jim Blue Jeeps

[17:08] going like,

[17:08] oh, yeah, she's hot.

[17:09] Oh, she's sexy.

[17:10] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[17:11] And Dooley encourages

[17:12] Jerry Lee

[17:13] to go fuck

[17:14] some stranger's dog

[17:15] in that stranger's car.

[17:17] In their car, yeah.

[17:18] And the owner shows up

[17:19] and he tries

[17:21] to distract him briefly,

[17:22] but the owner

[17:23] sees what's going on.

[17:24] And so then he tries

[17:25] to pay the owner

[17:26] to let the dogs fuck.

[17:27] This is while the car

[17:28] is like bouncing around.

[17:30] Yeah.

[17:30] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[17:30] And the owner

[17:31] starts acting like a pimp

[17:33] asking for more money

[17:34] until Dooley reveals

[17:35] he's a cop

[17:36] and the dude's like,

[17:36] have at it, man.

[17:38] And then Jerry Lee,

[17:40] presumably having

[17:41] achieved orgasm,

[17:42] jumps out of the car

[17:43] to the strains

[17:45] of James Brown's

[17:46] I feel good.

[17:47] Yeah.

[17:48] And it's the kind of moment

[17:49] that was like,

[17:50] everyone go to jail

[17:51] right now.

[17:54] Straight to jail.

Elliott Kalan

[17:55] So Dan,

[17:56] you wouldn't say

[17:56] this is the kind of scene

[17:57] that film was made for?

Dan McCoy

[18:00] I like,

[18:01] I had to watch this movie,

[18:02] you know,

[18:02] I watched this movie

[18:03] straight through

[18:03] and then I like

[18:04] sort of scanned.

[18:05] Watch that one scene

[18:06] over and over.

[18:08] I scanned through

[18:09] the whole movie again

[18:10] to take my notes

[18:11] and it seemed to agree

[18:13] just the first time,

[18:14] but the second time

[18:14] I was just like,

[18:15] this fucking movie,

[18:17] like the balls

[18:18] to put I feel good

[18:19] at the end of the scene.

[18:20] That dog felt good.

[18:22] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[18:23] But also,

[18:24] just imagine the person

[18:25] writing this movie

[18:28] Dooley stands

[18:29] in front of the car window

[18:30] trying to block the view

[18:31] of Jerry Lee

[18:32] having sex with the poodle.

[18:34] It's like,

[18:34] what are you doing?

[18:35] What's going on?

[18:37] It's just like the writer

[18:37] of,

[18:38] was it Bad Boys 2

[18:38] where they wrote,

[18:39] two rats have sex

[18:41] in the attic.

[18:42] Martin Lawrence's

[18:43] transfix.

[18:46] Or a preview

[18:49] for an upcoming episode.

[18:50] Mouse with enormous balls

[18:51] runs out of

[18:52] Carla Gugino's shoe.

[18:53] That's for the preview

[18:54] for the episode

[18:54] about The One

[18:55] that we have coming out.

[18:58] So...

[18:58] Those listening to this episode,

[18:59] of course,

[19:00] will have already heard

[19:00] that episode.

[19:01] That's a little piece

[19:02] of time travel for you.

Dan McCoy

[19:03] Thank you.

[19:06] You know,

[19:06] it's a good thing

[19:07] we had this moment

[19:07] of levity

[19:08] because now Dooley

[19:09] has returned home

[19:10] to discover

[19:11] that Lyman

[19:12] has kidnapped Tracy.

[19:13] Lyman?

[19:15] Lyman.

[19:15] Yeah, yeah.

[19:16] Has kidnapped Tracy.

[19:17] And there's some weird

[19:18] phone messages

[19:18] where Tracy seems like

[19:20] she's trying to

[19:21] say this without saying it

[19:23] to, you know,

[19:25] preserve plausible

[19:26] deniability

[19:27] for the criminal

[19:28] so she doesn't get killed.

[19:29] Yeah,

[19:29] using answering

[19:30] machine technology.

[19:31] Yeah.

[19:32] Yeah, that's great.

[19:32] And then

[19:33] the kidnapper

[19:34] gets on the phone

[19:36] and is basically just like,

[19:37] if you ever want to see

[19:37] your girlfriend again,

[19:39] fuck it,

[19:40] back the fuck off.

[19:41] You know,

[19:41] it's like,

[19:41] okay,

[19:42] well,

[19:43] you know,

[19:44] it's like a mistake.

[19:45] Yeah.

[19:45] At that point.

[19:46] I think he forgot.

[19:47] He thought Dooley

[19:48] was on the other end

[19:49] of the line.

[19:50] Yeah.

[19:50] Dooley crashes

[19:51] a party

[19:52] at Lyman's mansion

[19:53] and lets the dog

[19:55] on the table,

[19:56] discharges his gun.

[19:57] I was going to say,

Elliott Kalan

[19:58] he fires,

[19:58] he shoots out the lights

Stuart Wellington

[19:59] with his gun.

[20:00] This is a wild play

[20:01] because he intentionally,

[20:02] he is acting

[20:04] a little crazy

[20:05] and trigger happy.

[20:06] He threatens Lyman's life

[20:07] with a bunch of people

[20:09] in the room.

[20:09] Yeah.

[20:09] And it's revealed

[20:11] later on.

[20:11] Which is a crime

[20:11] if you're not Jim Belushi.

[20:13] That was an intentional choice

[20:14] because it wanted,

[20:16] he wanted to pretend

[20:17] that he was going

[20:18] to be taken to jail.

[20:18] But in fact,

[20:19] his cop buddies

[20:20] were just going to

[20:21] let him loose

[20:22] and do his job

[20:23] or something.

[20:23] But he didn't tell

[20:24] anyone about it.

[20:25] No.

[20:25] So they're just like,

[20:26] no,

[20:26] we have to take you

[20:26] to jail.

[20:27] We're going to take you

[20:28] to jail.

Dan McCoy

[20:29] You did a bunch

[20:30] of wild stuff.

[20:31] Luckily,

[20:32] Jerry Lee has a little

[20:34] roost up his sleeve.

[20:35] Yeah.

[20:35] All that chili

[20:37] that Jerry Lee ate

[20:38] earlier was

[20:39] Chekhov's chili

[20:40] because...

Elliott Kalan

[20:41] Chekhov's chili

[20:42] is the chili

[20:43] with real guns in it.

[20:47] Every commercial

[20:49] for Chekhov's chili

[20:49] starts with the

[20:50] maidservants

[20:51] at the house

[20:51] talking about the chili

[20:52] and who's going to eat it

[20:54] and what it's made out of.

[20:55] Yeah.

[20:55] Under cover of farts

[20:57] Dooley and Jerry Lee

[20:58] escape.

[20:58] There's got to be a movie

[20:59] called Under cover farts,

[21:00] right?

[21:03] It's some Italian company.

Dan McCoy

[21:06] On their stakeout,

[21:08] Dooley tells a story

[21:08] of how he and Tracy met

[21:10] which is basically

[21:10] that he fell for her

[21:12] when she didn't

[21:12] automatically treat him

[21:14] with contempt

[21:14] for being Jim Belushi.

Elliott Kalan

[21:16] And he was also

[21:17] on a stakeout

[21:18] watching drug dealers

[21:19] from a beach bathroom

[21:20] but then he saw her

[21:21] and he was so turned on

[21:23] by her applying chapstick

[21:24] that he had just

[21:25] had to go over to her

[21:26] smelling like a

[21:27] beach bathroom.

[21:28] Then what else

[21:29] could she do

[21:30] but say yes?

[21:30] And presumably hot dogs.

[21:32] Yeah, yeah.

[21:32] I mean,

[21:33] that's just his natural smell.

Dan McCoy

[21:35] But they grab

[21:36] the drug truck,

[21:38] they go to the desert

[21:39] where Tracy's being kept.

[21:41] Dooley pretends

[21:41] his video game

[21:42] is a detonator

[21:43] and he's going to blow up

[21:44] the truck full of cocaine

[21:46] unless, you know,

[21:47] he surrenders

[21:48] the girlfriend back.

[21:50] And the plan works

[21:50] until the video game

[21:51] makes a noise

[21:52] that it's not a detonator.

[21:54] It's good screenwriting.

[21:55] It's kind of wild

Stuart Wellington

[21:56] that they knew

[21:57] that that sound

[21:58] was for a video game.

Elliott Kalan

[22:00] Well, most detonators

[22:00] don't go,

[22:01] ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

[22:02] Yeah.

[22:02] Why bow?

[22:03] Yeah, I mean like the,

Dan McCoy

[22:04] like probably the Joker's

[22:07] detonators do that.

[22:08] Yeah.

[22:09] There's a shootout.

[22:10] Dooley kills

[22:11] like the second command.

[22:13] Jerry Lee

[22:13] chases a lineman

[22:14] who shoots the dog

[22:15] and Dooley's rage.

[22:16] You know he's a bad guy.

Elliott Kalan

[22:17] Shoots back.

[22:18] Like the kid

[22:19] at the end of Old Yeller.

Dan McCoy

[22:21] That's the villain

[22:22] of that movie.

[22:23] The biggest villain

[22:23] in cinematic history.

[22:25] Yeah.

[22:27] But Lyman's actually killed

[22:28] by the buyers

[22:29] who arrive in a helicopter

[22:30] and they're like,

[22:30] the deal's blown.

Elliott Kalan

[22:32] Well, we don't know that.

[22:33] He's caught in the crossfire

[22:34] between those guys

[22:36] and Dooley.

[22:37] So maybe Dooley shot him.

[22:38] Yeah.

[22:40] Dooley and Tracy.

[22:40] Cinema fans

Dan McCoy

[22:41] will debate for years.

[22:44] They rush the dog

[22:46] to the hospital.

[22:48] They rush the dog

Elliott Kalan

[22:49] to a human hospital

[22:50] where multiple people

[22:52] tell him to leave.

Stuart Wellington

[22:52] As opposed to a hospital

[22:53] where like dogs

[22:54] are performing surgery.

Elliott Kalan

[22:57] I've seen a painting

[22:58] that's kind of like that.

[23:00] Yeah, yeah.

[23:00] The painting where all the dogs

[23:02] are playing poker

[23:02] at an examination table.

[23:04] And multiple people

[23:06] tell him,

[23:06] we don't take care

[23:07] of dogs here.

[23:08] And he's like,

[23:09] get out of my way, bitch.

[23:10] And if it's like,

[23:11] they're like,

[23:11] they don't know

[23:12] how to take care of dogs.

[23:13] He sounds like Freddy Krueger.

[23:16] He does.

Dan McCoy

[23:17] He does bully a surgeon

[23:19] into, you know,

[23:21] taking the bullet out.

[23:21] He literally takes his gun out

[23:23] and puts it on the table

[23:24] and is like,

[23:24] you're going to fix this dog.

[23:25] Yeah.

[23:27] And Dooley briefly thinks

[23:29] the dog has died

[23:30] because Jerry Lee,

[23:32] that scamp,

[23:33] you know,

[23:33] plays dead.

[23:34] But I mean like,

Stuart Wellington

[23:35] he immediately goes

[23:36] into the recovery room

[23:38] and like,

[23:38] yeah,

[23:39] he's going to be asleep

[23:39] or something, right?

[23:40] He just had surgery.

[23:41] He's not going to be like

[23:42] bouncing around.

[23:43] It seems like he doesn't know

[23:45] it's the recovery room.

[23:46] He thinks it's the dead dog room.

[23:47] Yeah.

[23:48] So,

[23:49] where they'd have that

[23:50] in a non-dog hospital room.

[23:52] No,

Elliott Kalan

[23:52] they would have a dead person room.

Stuart Wellington

[23:54] He delivers this like,

Dan McCoy

[23:55] monologue to the,

[23:57] the,

[23:57] Oh,

[23:57] if you were only alive,

[23:58] I'd let you sleep

[23:59] at the end of our bed.

[24:00] Yeah,

[24:00] and I'm going to take you

[24:01] and Tracy

[24:02] and the poodle

[24:03] to Las Vegas.

[24:04] So you can marry the poodle.

[24:06] Yeah.

[24:07] And then,

[24:07] the dog wakes up

[24:09] and like,

[24:09] he's immediately like,

[24:10] I would never do that

[24:11] for a manipulator like you.

[24:12] Well,

[24:12] the dog,

Elliott Kalan

[24:12] you see the dog

[24:13] open his eyes

[24:14] and then close his eyes again

[24:16] to pretend he's dead some more.

[24:17] Yeah.

[24:18] Because this dog

[24:18] has human intelligence.

[24:21] But,

[24:21] you know.

[24:22] I mean,

Elliott Kalan

[24:22] in the canine TV show,

[24:23] they did a,

[24:24] so,

[24:24] they did a TV spin-off

[24:25] where it was released

[24:26] as K9000

[24:27] as like a direct-to-video movie,

[24:28] I think.

[24:29] But it was supposed to be

[24:29] the pilot for a TV show

[24:30] where the dog does have

[24:31] like a computer chip

[24:31] in its brain

[24:32] so that it can like

[24:33] analyze crime.

[24:35] And so,

[24:35] maybe they did that

[24:36] in this one,

[24:36] they just didn't tell

[24:37] anybody about it.

[24:39] What?

[24:40] Did you just make all that up?

[24:41] No.

[24:43] That's a real thing.

[24:47] If I was going to

[24:48] make something up,

[24:48] I would tie it.

[24:49] Is Jim Belushi in it?

[24:50] No,

[24:50] he's not.

[24:51] If I was going to make it up,

[24:52] I would have said

[24:52] it was related to Puchinski,

[24:53] the pilot about

[24:55] the police officer

[24:56] who gets reincarnated

[24:56] as a dog.

Dan McCoy

[24:57] But even though Belushi

[24:58] like has immediately

[24:59] rescinded his offer,

[25:00] of course,

[25:01] cut to him doing

[25:02] exactly that.

[25:04] Tracy,

[25:04] Jerry Lee,

[25:05] and a poodle

[25:05] that they apparently

[25:06] stole or bought.

[25:08] This movie does not

[25:09] know how to end.

[25:11] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[25:11] There's so many moments

[25:12] where I was like,

[25:12] and that's the end

[25:13] of the movie.

[25:13] Oh, no,

[25:13] here's a shot

[25:14] of Las Vegas.

[25:15] Yeah,

Dan McCoy

[25:15] no,

[25:16] they drive to Las Vegas

[25:17] as Ico Ico,

[25:19] a cover of Ico Ico

[25:21] by the Dixie Cups

[25:22] plays,

[25:23] and there you go,

[25:24] that's K-9.

[25:24] That's the story

[25:25] of K-9.

Stuart Wellington

[25:26] Do you think

[25:27] it should have ended

[25:27] through the centuries?

[25:28] Do you think

[25:29] it should have ended

[25:29] like cut to black

[25:30] immediately the moment

[25:32] Jerry Lee got shot?

Elliott Kalan

[25:33] I think it should have

[25:34] ended like the French

[25:34] connection where you just,

[25:36] the bullet sound

[25:37] just reverberates,

[25:37] reverberates,

[25:38] reverberates,

[25:38] and you cut to a shot

[25:39] of Jim Belushi,

[25:40] and then there's

[25:40] something kind of

[25:41] mysterious happens,

[25:42] and you don't know

[25:42] what it is,

[25:43] and it's over,

[25:44] and I think,

[25:44] yeah,

[25:44] people would be like,

[25:45] K-9,

[25:46] what a movie,

[25:46] wow.

[25:47] Really pulls the rug

[25:48] out from under

[25:49] the audience.

[25:50] But then,

[25:51] halfway through the credits,

[25:52] there's a scene

[25:53] that is the actual

[25:54] end of the movie,

[25:54] and if you left early,

[25:56] you don't know

[25:56] how that,

[25:57] we're sinners,

[25:58] and so,

Dan McCoy

[26:02] yeah,

[26:03] final judgments,

[26:04] whether this is a

[26:04] good,

[26:05] bad movie,

[26:05] a bad,

[26:05] bad movie,

[26:07] or a movie we

[26:07] kind of like,

[26:08] like,

[26:09] I gotta admit,

[26:10] at the beginning

[26:11] of this movie,

[26:12] no,

[26:13] no,

[26:13] don't get worried.

Elliott Kalan

[26:16] It's like,

[26:16] I didn't like this movie,

[26:17] but then that poodle came in.

Stuart Wellington

[26:19] And then,

[26:19] oh,

[26:20] yeah.

[26:20] No,

Dan McCoy

[26:21] all I can say is,

[26:22] to quote yellow.

[26:23] Oh,

Dan McCoy

[26:23] yeah.

[26:26] No,

[26:27] like,

[26:27] at the beginning of this movie,

[26:28] as it started,

[26:29] I'm like,

[26:29] oh,

[26:30] the crap of my youth

[26:32] has a certain nostalgic pull,

[26:34] even if I didn't see it back then.

[26:35] Sure.

[26:35] I'm like,

[26:36] oh,

[26:36] this is,

[26:36] you know,

[26:36] like,

[26:37] this is gonna be a fun,

[26:38] dumb,

[26:40] like,

[26:40] cop comedy,

[26:41] and then,

[26:42] as it went on,

[26:43] like,

[26:44] his behavior

[26:45] was so egregious,

[26:47] I'm like,

[26:47] I can't enjoy any of this.

[26:50] I say bad,

[26:51] bad,

[26:51] what do you say,

[26:52] Elliot?

[26:52] I also say bad,

Elliott Kalan

[26:53] bad,

[26:53] I will say this for it.

[26:54] One,

[26:55] the score is hilarious,

[26:56] because it is the most 80s cop movie score

[26:58] I've ever heard in my life,

[26:59] but also,

[27:01] there's some parts of this movie

[27:01] that look really good.

[27:02] Like,

[27:03] I meant to look up

[27:03] who the cinematographer was,

[27:04] because it's a bunch of scenes

[27:05] where I really like the way

[27:06] they were shot.

[27:06] I don't like what they're shooting,

[27:08] but I like the way they did it.

[27:10] But otherwise,

[27:11] it's bad,

[27:11] bad.

[27:11] He's so,

[27:13] Buduli is such an unlikable character.

[27:15] The stuff with,

[27:16] like,

[27:16] it's like,

[27:18] it's just not,

[27:19] the cop stuff is not interesting,

[27:20] it's not fun enough,

[27:21] like,

[27:21] we're thrilling enough

[27:22] that you're like,

[27:22] oh,

[27:22] are they gonna catch him?

[27:24] You know?

[27:24] And the dog stuff is not funny enough.

[27:25] Yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[27:26] the twists and turns,

[27:27] like,

[27:27] I'm watching this movie

[27:28] to watch a fucking dog

[27:29] have hijinks,

[27:30] dude,

[27:30] I don't care about

[27:31] what the fucking mystery is.

[27:33] No,

Elliott Kalan

[27:33] and the highlight,

[27:34] I mean,

[27:34] there's a couple performances

[27:35] that I like in the movie,

[27:36] but it's like,

[27:36] I like those performers.

[27:37] Like,

[27:37] Ed O'Neill's only in it

[27:38] for a short time.

[27:39] I think he's great in it.

[27:40] Like,

[27:40] I was like,

[27:41] oh,

[27:41] I wish Ed O'Neill

[27:42] was playing this part,

[27:43] you know,

[27:43] instead of being the sort of Dutch,

[27:45] you know?

[27:46] But,

[27:47] yeah,

[27:47] I don't know if he would have crushed,

[27:48] but still.

[27:49] He would have crushed it.

[27:50] But I would also say

[27:51] bad,

[27:51] bad movie.

[27:52] Stu,

[27:52] what do you think?

[27:52] Yeah,

[27:53] it's a bad,

[27:53] bad movie.

Stuart Wellington

[27:53] I remember watching it

[27:54] as a kid and,

[27:55] like,

[27:55] liking it,

[27:56] but I think that was just

[27:57] because I was really

[27:58] into the dog sex part.

Elliott Kalan

[28:01] Well,

[28:02] that's how your parents

[28:02] introduced you to the

[28:03] N.I.M. sex

[28:04] is they showed you that scene.

Stuart Wellington

[28:05] they sat me down,

[28:06] they stopped it

[28:07] and said,

[28:07] what did we learn?

[28:10] So,

[28:11] what'd you think?

[28:13] No,

[28:13] that's,

[28:13] we had Terminator

[28:15] for that,

[28:15] guys.

Elliott Kalan

[28:16] Oh,

[28:17] because your grandma

[28:18] was the grandma

[28:18] from,

[28:19] what's it called?

[28:21] That dumb one.

[28:22] What?

[28:23] Hillbilly,

[28:23] Hillbilly Outhouse

[28:24] or whatever it's called.

[28:25] What?

[28:25] No.

[28:27] Do you remember?

[28:28] She's in,

[28:29] what's it called?

[28:30] The Ron Howard movie

[28:30] where she's like,

[28:32] Thank you.

[28:33] Hillbilly Outhouse.

[28:34] She's like,

[28:35] there's good Terminators

[28:36] and there's bad Terminators.

[28:37] That's what I learned

[28:37] from this one.

Stuart Wellington

[28:39] Dear Lord.

[28:40] Well,

[28:41] that would have been

[28:41] Terminator 2,

[28:42] right?

[28:43] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[28:43] That's true.

[28:44] There's only a bad Terminator

[28:45] in Terminator.

[28:45] I'm shutting this down

[28:46] in favor of.

[28:47] I couldn't remember

Dan McCoy

[28:48] the name of that stupid movie.

[28:49] Taking some questions

[28:50] from folks.

[28:51] If you're interested

[28:52] in talking to us,

[28:54] there's a microphone

[28:55] right there.

[28:56] Is that movie

[28:57] Hillbilly Grandma?

[28:58] That sounds like a movie

[28:59] where grandma

[29:00] shoots drug dealers

[29:00] with a shotgun.

[29:01] Yeah.

[29:02] To cover the,

[29:03] you know,

[29:04] the time as everyone

[29:05] walks,

[29:05] of course,

[29:06] I will do my rendition

[29:07] of Yellow's Oh Yeah.

[29:09] Oh,

[29:10] never mind.

Elliott Kalan

[29:14] Where's the

[29:14] Oh,

[29:15] now I know

[29:15] the part you're doing.

[29:16] Yeah.

[29:16] Okay.

[29:17] Yeah.

[29:17] So,

[29:17] yeah,

[29:17] so that's a big

[29:19] recommendation

[29:19] for Yellow's Oh Yeah.

[29:22] If you're taking

[29:23] a day off from school,

[29:24] that's the song

[29:25] to listen to

[29:25] when you steal

[29:26] your friend's dad's car.

John Hodgman

[29:33] Greetings.

[29:34] I am John Hodgman,

[29:35] co-host and co-creator

[29:36] of the Judge John Hodgman podcast,

[29:38] along with Jesse Thorne

[29:39] here on the Maximum Fund Network.

[29:41] And I am here

[29:42] with Maximum Fund

[29:43] member of the month,

[29:45] Keith,

[29:45] who's been a Maximum Fund

[29:47] member since when,

[29:48] Keith?

[29:49] Oh,

[29:49] at least three or four years now.

[29:51] I don't recall exactly

[29:52] when I fell prey

[29:53] to the pledge drive,

[29:55] but it got a hold of me

Stuart Wellington

[29:56] and I have yet to relent.

John Hodgman

[29:58] Oh,

[29:58] and we shall not ever let go.

[30:00] Now,

[30:00] you join us telephonically

[30:02] from a different country

[30:04] from ours,

[30:05] which is which?

[30:06] I moved to Vera,

[30:06] Portugal back in

[30:07] August of this year.

[30:09] I hear evening birds

[30:11] chirping behind you.

[30:12] What are the names

[30:13] of those birds?

[30:14] We do have quite a few

[30:15] spoonbills

[30:16] and quite a few

[30:17] flamingos as well.

[30:19] So what would you say

[30:20] to the birds around you

[30:21] and the people listening

[30:22] who are considering

[30:23] supporting the show?

[30:24] You know,

[30:24] it's just nice to have

[30:26] a little bit of

[30:27] investment in the things

[30:29] that I love.

[30:29] Knowing that I'm

[30:30] making sure that

[30:31] those podcasts

[30:32] are still being created

[30:33] makes me feel good.

[30:34] We're so pleased

[30:35] to have you be our

[30:36] Maximum Fund member

[30:37] of the month.

[30:38] Thank you very much,

[30:39] Keith,

[30:39] in Portugal.

[30:40] This month's

[30:42] Maximum Fund member

[30:43] of the month.

[30:43] Obrigado.

Elliott Kalan

[30:44] Become a Max Fund member

[30:46] now at

[30:46] MaximumFund.org

[30:48] slash join.

John Hodgman

[30:50] On Judge John Hodgman,

[30:51] the courtroom is fake,

[30:52] but the disputes

[30:53] are real.

S5

[30:55] Brian would say,

[30:56] I'm the Gumby

[30:57] of this family.

[30:58] He's just not.

S9

[31:00] Claiming to be Gumby

John Hodgman

[31:01] is an un-Gumby-like claim.

[31:04] No, it's just Gumby

[31:05] and I being

Dan McCoy

[31:06] our authentic selves.

John Hodgman

[31:07] So what's your complaint?

[31:08] Too many sauces?

S6

[31:10] There are no foods

[31:11] on which to put the sauces.

John Hodgman

[31:13] Have we named

[31:13] all the sauces

[31:14] on the top shelf yet?

[31:15] Not even close.

[31:17] You economize

[31:18] when it comes to pants.

S6

[31:19] Truly,

[31:20] it's not about

[31:21] the cleanliness of the pants.

John Hodgman

[31:22] Well, why isn't it?

[31:23] This is what I want to know.

[31:24] Judge John Hodgman,

[31:25] fake court,

[31:26] weird cases,

[31:28] real justice.

[31:29] On MaximumFun.org,

[31:31] YouTube,

[31:31] and everywhere

[31:32] you get podcasts.

Dan McCoy

[31:34] Hey, it's Dan

[31:35] breaking in to say,

[31:37] if you're enjoying

[31:38] this live show

[31:39] or you like

[31:40] Flophouse live shows

[31:41] in general,

[31:42] but you couldn't

[31:43] make this one

[31:44] in Chicago,

[31:45] we're going to be back

[31:47] at San Francisco

[31:48] Sketch Fest

[31:49] in January

[31:51] of this

[31:51] rapidly upcoming year.

[31:54] We'll be at

[31:55] Cobb's Comedy Club

[31:56] again at Sunday,

[31:59] at Sunday,

[32:00] on Sunday,

[32:01] January 25th

[32:02] at 4 p.m.

[32:03] You can come out

[32:04] and see a Sunday show

[32:05] without being worried

[32:06] about being tired

[32:08] at work all week

[32:09] because it's in the afternoon,

[32:10] 4 p.m.

[32:11] We'll be talking about

[32:13] The Master of Disguise

[32:15] and we'll finally see

[32:16] if we're turtley enough

[32:17] for the Turtle Club.

[32:19] For tickets to that,

[32:20] you can go to

[32:21] sfsketchfest.com

[32:23] and click the link

[32:25] for the lineup.

[32:26] You can get to it

[32:26] through there

[32:27] or you can just go to

[32:28] flophousepodcast.com

[32:30] and click on events.

[32:33] Also, you know what?

[32:35] We got a couple of sponsors.

[32:36] Hey, this podcast

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[32:40] by Squarespace.

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[35:25] Terms and conditions

[35:26] apply.

[35:27] And lastly,

[35:29] we got a

[35:30] J-J-J-J-Jumbotron.

[35:33] And the Jumbotron

[35:35] goes thusly.

[35:36] Hey guys,

[35:37] I wrote a book.

[35:39] A history of shock film

[35:40] tells the story

[35:41] of how movies

[35:42] have broken taboos

[35:43] and caused controversy.

[35:45] I pick

[35:46] 321 official

[35:48] shock films

[35:49] ranging from

[35:50] Elliot's scariest movie,

[35:51] Persona,

[35:52] to Stewart's

[35:53] favorite movie,

[35:54] Ricky O,

[35:55] The Story of Ricky.

[35:56] Sorry, Dan.

[35:57] Stop Making Sense

[35:58] doesn't have enough

[35:59] sex or violence.

[36:01] Now,

[36:01] back to my

[36:02] favorite podcast,

[36:04] The Flip Horse

[36:04] with Stan,

[36:06] Do,

[36:06] and Killing It

[36:07] Alien.

[36:08] Sorry.

[36:09] With Stan,

[36:10] Do,

[36:11] and Killing It

[36:12] Alien.

[36:12] I got those

[36:13] all mixed up.

[36:14] Sometimes words

[36:14] sound like other words.

[36:16] XO,

[36:17] XO,

[36:18] XO,

[36:19] Eddie Daniels.

[36:20] And,

[36:20] Eddie wants you to

[36:21] find a history

[36:22] of shock film

[36:23] by Eddie Daniels

[36:24] on Amazon,

[36:25] barnesandnoble.com,

[36:26] or bookshop.org.

[36:30] Sounds

[36:30] like a lot of fun.

[36:32] Now,

[36:34] back to

[36:35] Chicago,

[36:36] where we're

[36:37] talking about

[36:38] K9.

Stuart Wellington

[36:40] Hey,

[36:41] so,

[36:42] we're gonna be

[36:43] doing some

[36:43] questions

[36:44] from the audience.

[36:45] We have a limited

[36:46] amount of time.

[36:47] Keep it tight.

[36:48] You're talking to me?

[36:49] Yes.

[36:50] He's looking at me

[36:50] the whole time.

Dan McCoy

[36:51] Hello.

[36:52] Hello.

[36:53] John,

[36:54] last name withheld.

[36:55] Hey,

[36:55] John.

[36:55] Just curious,

[36:56] you know,

[36:57] I bought various

[36:58] amounts of merchandise,

[36:59] but I've never

[36:59] bought an album

[37:00] from you guys,

[37:01] like a music album.

[37:02] If you had

[37:03] come out with

[37:04] a music album

[37:04] to represent

[37:05] the Flat House,

[37:06] what songs

[37:06] would you each

[37:07] choose for yourselves?

Stuart Wellington

[37:08] I mean,

[37:08] we've talked about

[37:08] a couple of them

[37:09] tonight already.

[37:10] Yeah,

[37:10] yeah.

Dan McCoy

[37:11] So this is

[37:12] a soundtrack

[37:12] from other artists.

[37:15] This is not

[37:16] music from us.

[37:17] This is not like

[37:17] other artists

Stuart Wellington

[37:17] or would you

[37:18] commission like

[37:19] an original song

Elliott Kalan

[37:20] in particular?

[37:21] Yeah,

[37:21] sure.

[37:22] Who would we

[37:22] commission an original

[37:23] song from?

[37:24] Probably Alex

[37:25] who's written

[37:25] original songs.

[37:27] He goes with the name

[37:28] Howell Dottie online.

[37:30] Sexy Xenomorph

[37:31] and he's the house cat.

Stuart Wellington

[37:34] Yeah,

[37:34] yeah,

[37:34] yeah.

[37:35] Make it sound

[37:35] as much like,

[37:36] I don't know,

[37:36] like a Don Henley

[37:37] song as possible.

[37:39] So either Alex

[37:41] or Seal,

[37:42] yeah.

[37:42] Yeah,

[37:42] Seal.

[37:43] What's your

[37:44] second favorite

[37:45] Seal song?

Elliott Kalan

[37:46] Kiss from a Rose

[37:47] remix.

Stuart Wellington

[37:52] Second kiss

[37:53] from a rose.

Elliott Kalan

[37:54] Yeah,

[37:54] kiss from a different

[37:55] rose.

[37:56] Parentheses,

[37:56] uh-oh.

[37:58] I mean,

[37:58] that's a good

[37:58] Gialo movie title

[37:59] right there.

[38:00] That is,

[38:00] that is a great

[38:01] Gialo movie.

[38:01] Uh,

[38:02] yeah,

[38:02] so I think

[38:02] that answers

[38:03] that question.

[38:04] Thank you.

[38:04] Thanks.

[38:05] Thank you.

[38:07] Hello,

[38:08] ma'am.

[38:09] Hello.

S5

[38:10] My name is Audrey,

[38:12] last name withheld,

[38:13] not McCoy.

[38:14] Yeah,

[38:14] you only have to

Elliott Kalan

[38:15] withhold half

[38:15] your last name.

[38:16] Yeah.

S5

[38:17] My question

[38:18] for you guys

[38:19] is for Dan's

[38:20] presentation,

[38:22] uh,

[38:22] he said that

[38:23] it was my idea

[38:24] and I just said,

[38:26] oh,

[38:27] it would be cool

[38:27] to do a presentation

[38:28] and how to do

[38:29] presentations

[38:30] I did not say,

[38:32] oh,

[38:32] you want to

[38:32] roast your friends

[38:33] and thank you,

[38:35] I'll take my answer

[38:36] sitting down.

Stuart Wellington

[38:37] Yeah,

[38:37] yeah,

[38:38] you didn't say,

[38:39] hey,

[38:40] you should hurt

[38:40] their feelings

[38:41] like really bad.

[38:42] I feel like,

Elliott Kalan

[38:43] you know what,

[38:43] you know what would be

[38:44] really funny if you

[38:45] humiliated the people

[38:46] closest to you.

Dan McCoy

[38:47] I feel like that's

[38:48] the logical conclusion

[38:49] though,

[38:49] right?

[38:50] Like,

[38:50] that's,

[38:50] uh,

[38:50] that's implied

[38:51] and it's inherent

[38:53] in the...

Elliott Kalan

[38:54] Yeah,

[38:54] make them look like

[38:55] fools in front of

[38:56] all their cool

[38:56] friends in Chicago.

[38:59] Take them to a city

[39:00] where they're already

[39:01] strangers looking

[39:02] for a warm hand

[39:03] and take that hand

[39:05] and slap them

[39:06] in the face with it.

[39:08] I thought it was funny.

[39:12] Yes,

S5

[39:13] please.

[39:13] Hello,

[39:14] my name is Holly

[39:15] and I liked this movie

[39:17] slightly more

[39:17] than Taking Care

[39:18] of Business

[39:19] and I think that was

[39:19] just because there

[39:20] were some shots

[39:21] of just,

[39:21] there is a cute dog

[39:22] on screen.

[39:23] So do you think,

[39:24] like,

[39:24] what bad movie

[39:25] would you insert

[39:26] a cute dog into

[39:27] to make it a slightly

[39:28] better movie?

Stuart Wellington

[39:29] Oh,

[39:30] that's a good question.

[39:32] I mean,

[39:32] I feel like,

[39:33] that's tough

[39:34] because I feel like

[39:35] you can insert

[39:35] a cute dog

[39:36] into like any bad movie

[39:37] and it's gonna make

[39:38] it a little better,

[39:38] right?

Elliott Kalan

[39:39] Yeah,

[39:39] well,

[39:39] you look at something

[39:39] like Troll 2,

[39:40] that's a movie

[39:40] you could have a cute dog

[39:41] again at some point,

[39:42] right?

Stuart Wellington

[39:43] Yeah,

[39:44] like the people

[39:45] who made the movie

[39:45] had to have had

[39:46] a dog around,

[39:47] right?

[39:47] Why don't they

[39:47] just put that thing in?

[39:48] They had to have,

Elliott Kalan

[39:49] yeah.

[39:50] Or that movie

[39:50] A Boy and His Dog,

[39:51] is there a dog in that?

[39:53] Sure.

[39:54] Like,

[39:54] I feel like it has to be

Dan McCoy

[39:55] one that's just like

[39:56] boring,

[39:57] like I,

[39:58] You don't want to see

[39:59] anything bad happen

[39:59] to the dog.

[40:00] No,

[40:00] no,

[40:00] exactly,

[40:01] like,

[40:02] but what if in the middle

[40:03] of that terrible

[40:04] Robocop remake,

[40:05] just we,

[40:05] like,

[40:05] the dog runs by

[40:06] and then the camera

[40:07] follows the dog.

Elliott Kalan

[40:08] Yeah,

[40:09] just on its day,

[40:10] just going,

[40:11] I mean,

[40:11] that is,

[40:11] to be honest,

[40:12] that is the way

[40:12] that Jack Frost,

[40:13] which we did recently

[40:14] for Pop TV,

[40:14] ends,

[40:15] which is the dog

[40:16] just goes somewhere

[40:16] and the camera

[40:17] follows the dog

[40:18] for a while

[40:18] and is the best

[40:19] scene in the movie,

[40:20] yeah.

[40:20] Yeah,

[40:20] what's that dog

[40:21] getting up to next?

[40:22] We don't know.

[40:23] This dog that's

[40:24] untainted by the

[40:25] events of the movie,

[40:26] yeah.

[40:27] Stu,

[40:27] so what do you think,

[40:28] Story of Ricky?

Stuart Wellington

[40:30] Oh,

[40:30] that's a good movie,

[40:31] but yeah,

[40:32] it would be better

[40:32] with a dog.

[40:34] That's the thing,

[40:35] is that,

[40:35] like,

[40:35] presence of a cute dog

[40:36] is going to improve

[40:37] any movie,

[40:38] good or bad.

[40:39] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[40:39] That's a stance I'll take.

[40:40] Although,

[40:41] to be fair,

[40:41] if I was watching,

[40:42] say,

[40:42] Empire Strikes Back,

[40:43] and they're on

[40:44] Darth Vader's Star Destroyer

[40:45] and a cute dog runs by,

[40:46] Are you saying

[40:47] Chewbacca is not

[40:48] a cute dog?

[40:50] I'm standing up for this.

[40:51] Chewbacca is clearly

[40:52] a bear man,

[40:53] but he has elements

[40:55] of doggishness about him,

[40:56] yes,

[40:56] that's true.

[40:58] Dogishness.

[40:58] So,

[41:01] yes,

[41:01] those are the movies.

[41:02] Good question.

[41:02] Thank you.

[41:03] Thank you.

[41:03] Okay.

[41:05] Next question.

S6

[41:07] Hi,

[41:07] I'm Kaylee.

[41:08] Hi.

[41:09] So,

[41:10] I was watching this movie

[41:11] like an hour

[41:12] before we walked over here.

[41:13] I'm sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[41:14] Cramming for the test.

S6

[41:16] It really felt like,

[41:18] and we were like,

[41:18] dear God.

[41:19] I've got to find out

Elliott Kalan

[41:20] if the K is going to nine

[41:21] before I go to the show.

S6

[41:23] So,

[41:23] as it ends,

[41:24] you know,

[41:25] it pops up,

[41:25] what we think

[41:26] you should watch,

[41:27] and I'm watching it

[41:28] with my brother

[41:29] because he's here with me,

[41:30] and he goes,

[41:31] K911,

[41:32] huh?

[41:33] And I was like,

[41:34] I think that says

[41:35] K911.

[41:36] Yeah.

[41:39] But if Jerry Lee

Elliott Kalan

[41:41] had been on that plane.

[41:43] If Jerry Lee

[41:44] and Mark Wahlberg

[41:45] had been on that plane together.

S6

[41:48] So,

[41:48] my question is,

[41:49] the fuck would

[41:50] that movie look like?

[41:51] Oh,

[41:52] 9-11.

Elliott Kalan

[41:53] You know that that is...

[41:55] Okay,

[41:56] if they really made that...

[41:57] It would have been better

Elliott Kalan

[41:57] than this one,

[41:57] I can say.

[41:58] Yes.

[41:58] It would be the only taste,

[42:00] halfway tasteful way

[42:01] to make the movie

[42:02] is to make that dog

[42:03] a rescue dog

[42:03] who's like pulling people

[42:04] from the wreckage.

[42:05] The tasteless way to do it

[42:07] is to have a dog

[42:08] on the plane

[42:08] and one of the terrorists

[42:10] is a dog.

[42:13] And the two dogs...

[42:14] Now,

[42:14] sort of an air buddies situation.

[42:15] Exactly.

Stuart Wellington

[42:17] Yes,

[42:18] exactly.

[42:18] So,

[42:19] we have a rescue dog.

[42:20] How is that rescue dog

[42:21] going to have sex

[42:22] with a poodle,

[42:23] though?

Elliott Kalan

[42:24] That's when,

[42:24] at the end of the movie

[42:25] when he comes home from work

[42:26] he's like,

[42:26] rough day.

[42:27] Real rough.

[42:28] I thought...

[42:29] I thought it was going to be

[42:30] a mild,

[42:30] mile high club dog situation.

[42:34] It'll be like

[42:35] in the Denzel Washington

[42:37] taking Pelham 123

[42:38] where it keeps cutting back

[42:39] to his gorgeous wife

[42:40] just lying around the bed

[42:41] waiting for him to come home

[42:42] so he can have sex with her.

[42:44] And I'm like,

[42:44] this is very different

[42:45] from the original movie.

[42:46] But it creates suspense.

[42:48] You're like,

[42:48] will that sex ever happen?

[42:51] But yeah,

[42:51] I think they made the mistake

[42:53] of naming that movie

[42:54] when 9-1-1

[42:55] was more on people's heads

[42:58] than pronouncing it

[42:59] the other way.

[43:00] Oh,

[43:00] that show 9-11

[43:01] is on TV

[43:01] and it's a huge hit.

[43:02] No, no, Ellie,

Dan McCoy

[43:03] you're making the same mistake.

[43:04] Oh, no.

[43:05] Thank you.

[43:06] Thank you.

S7

[43:08] 9-11.

[43:11] Hi,

[43:11] I'm Rachel,

[43:12] last name of health.

[43:13] Hello.

[43:14] Hello.

[43:15] So,

[43:15] I know a friend

[43:16] of the Flophouse podcast,

[43:17] Matt Singer,

[43:18] he does a lot of the reviews

[43:19] of different foods.

[43:20] Yeah,

Dan McCoy

[43:20] he's killing himself.

[43:21] Yeah.

[43:22] Okay,

[43:22] so,

S7

[43:23] a company,

[43:25] a food company,

[43:25] say,

[43:26] like Denny's

[43:27] or Buffalo Wild Wings

[43:28] comes up to you

[43:29] and asks you,

[43:30] we need a Flophouse

[43:32] themed menu.

[43:33] What are your

[43:34] signature dishes?

Elliott Kalan

[43:36] Well,

[43:36] we definitely have to have

[43:37] fried chicken.

[43:38] Gotta have fried chicken on there,

[43:39] but I don't want to compete

[43:40] with Popeyes

[43:40] because I know I'll fail.

Stuart Wellington

[43:42] There can't be any fruit

[43:43] on the menu

[43:44] where Ellie would be mad.

Elliott Kalan

[43:45] As long as it's just

[43:46] not on the plate

[43:47] with the fried chicken,

[43:47] I'll be okay.

[43:48] Dan was like,

[43:49] he went in LA,

[43:50] you went to like

[43:50] a Korean fried chicken place,

[43:52] he sent me a picture

[43:52] and there was all this fruit

[43:53] displayed on top

[43:54] of the chicken.

[43:54] Smothered in fruit.

[43:55] And I was like,

[43:55] you burn that place down.

Stuart Wellington

[43:58] Don't really,

[43:59] don't really do that,

[44:00] anybody.

[44:01] I mean,

[44:02] you gotta have

[44:02] a beef Wellington.

[44:03] Yeah,

[44:04] yeah.

[44:05] Mm-hmm.

[44:06] And a beef stew.

Dan McCoy

[44:10] A beef Wellington stew.

[44:13] I've never wished

[44:14] that my name

[44:14] lended itself

[44:15] to a food pun

[44:16] previously,

[44:17] but now.

[44:18] Dan McCoy.

[44:19] Personal Dan pizza,

[44:20] I just did it.

[44:21] Okay.

[44:22] Can I tell you,

[44:24] like,

[44:24] I don't think

[44:25] I would have a good,

[44:26] I don't think

[44:26] I would have a good answer

[44:27] anyway,

[44:28] but right when

[44:30] we got that question.

[44:31] I mean,

Elliott Kalan

[44:31] that feels like

[44:31] a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[44:33] Did you bet

[44:34] on DraftKings

[44:35] that Dan wouldn't

[44:36] have an answer

[44:36] to this question

[44:37] and now you're

[44:37] throwing the game?

Dan McCoy

[44:38] Right when we got

[44:39] that question,

[44:40] I realized that,

[44:41] like,

[44:41] I put this tiny

[44:43] clock that we brought

[44:45] from home

[44:45] to be here

[44:47] so we'd have a sense of

[44:47] I just noticed

[44:48] there's a giant clock

[44:50] right here

[44:50] that tells me

[44:51] the time.

[44:53] And the temperature.

[44:54] Your clock

[44:55] doesn't do that.

[44:56] Yeah,

[44:56] it's so much better

[44:57] than my clock.

Elliott Kalan

[44:58] It's got the date

[44:59] on there.

[45:00] That's a good clock,

[45:01] Dan.

[45:01] You should steal that.

[45:01] No,

[45:02] I couldn't.

[45:03] So there you got it.

[45:04] Fried chicken,

[45:05] beef stew,

[45:05] Wellington,

[45:06] beef Wellington stew,

[45:07] personal Dan pizza.

[45:08] Yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[45:08] it's like a bowl of cereal

[45:10] but instead of

[45:11] like crispix or some shit,

[45:12] it's a little beef Wellington.

John Hodgman

[45:13] It's a stew

[45:16] and then,

[45:16] oh,

[45:16] you guys get it.

Stuart Wellington

[45:18] Dan doesn't.

[45:18] I thought they were

[45:19] two separate dishes.

[45:19] You're right,

[45:20] Dan,

[45:20] you don't have an answer

[45:21] to this question.

Elliott Kalan

[45:23] Dan Dan noodles,

[45:24] something like that?

[45:24] Yeah.

[45:26] Yeah.

[45:27] Yeah,

[45:27] all right.

[45:28] We did it.

[45:28] Thank you.

[45:29] So I guess,

[45:29] thank you.

[45:30] So let's,

[45:30] if there's a restaurateur

[45:31] in the audience

[45:32] or someone wants to invest

[45:33] in a restaurant.

[45:34] I mean,

[45:34] I own bars.

Dan McCoy

[45:38] I could do that.

[45:41] I can't stop looking

[45:42] at this clock now.

John Hodgman

[45:44] Not to distract

[45:45] from the clock,

[45:45] but Peter,

[45:47] Hello.

[45:48] Canine was a unanimous

[45:49] bad-bad,

[45:50] but perhaps because

[45:50] our leads were miscast.

[45:53] Okay.

[45:53] You think they should

[45:53] switch roles?

[45:54] No,

[45:55] no,

[45:55] you keep everything

Elliott Kalan

[45:55] else the same.

[45:56] It's a dog cop

[45:58] who has to get

[45:59] a Jim Belushi

[45:59] out of the kennel

[46:00] and take him home.

Stuart Wellington

[46:01] Where Jim Belushi

[46:02] has to keep a dog cop

[46:03] from having sex

[46:04] with his dog wife?

Elliott Kalan

[46:05] Jim Belushi has sex

[46:06] with a poodle in a car.

[46:07] Yeah.

John Hodgman

[46:07] I was going to posit,

[46:09] what is the perfect

[46:10] actor-animal combination

[46:11] that could save this movie

[46:12] if that was the only

[46:13] two things you changed?

Elliott Kalan

[46:14] So something that I said

[46:15] to Dan and Stuart

[46:16] last night

[46:17] when we were talking

[46:17] about this movie

[46:18] ahead of time,

[46:18] sorry guys,

[46:19] you missed some of it,

[46:20] was that it feels like

[46:22] with this and the movie

[46:23] you talked about

[46:23] in the earlier show,

[46:24] Taking Your Business,

[46:24] it seems like Jim Belushi

[46:25] was getting roles

[46:26] that were written

[46:27] for Bill Murray

[46:28] or a Bill Murray

[46:28] type person

[46:29] where he has this

[46:30] natural charisma

[46:32] where he can do,

[46:33] he can be mean

[46:34] and break rules

[46:35] and stuff and you're like,

[46:36] oh, but the way he does it,

[46:37] it's funny in this movie

[46:38] and I feel like

[46:38] if you had him as the cop,

[46:40] you could get away

[46:40] with a lot more

[46:41] of this type of stuff.

[46:42] Now the dog,

[46:43] I don't know how

[46:43] to recast the dog.

[46:45] I mean,

[46:46] I feel like the dog

[46:46] is not the problem per se.

[46:48] The dog is doing

[46:49] with the dog.

[46:49] The dog is listening to the credits,

[46:50] Jerry Lee playing Jerry Lee

[46:51] and you know there's

[46:52] multiple dogs

[46:52] that play that part.

[46:53] What if it was

[46:54] like a Komodo dragon?

[46:56] Yeah.

[46:57] Now you're talking.

[46:58] That's what I'm talking about.

[46:59] Very dangerous.

[47:00] I would love that.

[47:02] Yeah,

[47:02] some kind of big

[47:03] water monitor

[47:03] or something.

[47:04] Or like a macaw,

[47:06] like a big bird.

[47:07] That's like a contour.

[47:10] Yeah,

[47:10] we'll give you

[47:11] one of the police contours.

Dan McCoy

[47:13] Take a tip from...

[47:14] Or please a police cassowary.

[47:16] You can sniff out drugs.

[47:17] Don't let him kick you.

[47:18] Take a tip from

[47:19] Joke Farming

[47:19] by Elliot Kalin.

[47:20] You can also

[47:21] dehyden.

[47:22] What if it's a gerbil?

[47:25] Okay,

[47:26] now you got it.

Elliott Kalan

[47:27] Yeah,

[47:27] it's called G9.

[47:28] It's like,

Dan McCoy

[47:29] ah,

[47:30] what am I supposed

[47:30] to do with this?

Elliott Kalan

[47:32] He goes,

[47:33] so when Jim Belushi's

[47:34] in that bar

[47:34] and they're about

[47:35] to kill him,

[47:35] he's like,

[47:35] get him,

[47:36] get him.

[47:37] And the gerbil's

[47:37] just kind of like

[47:38] chewing on a paper towel roll.

[47:41] Yeah,

[47:41] that's funny.

[47:42] Good work.

[47:43] Good work.

[47:44] Better movie.

[47:44] Okay.

[47:45] Yeah,

[47:45] great question.

[47:46] Thank you.

[47:48] Good one.

[47:48] These are great questions tonight.

[47:50] Sometimes we do these shows

[47:51] and the questions are poor,

[47:52] but these ones are really good.

S8

[47:53] Well,

[47:54] shit,

[47:54] that's a lot of pressure on me.

[47:56] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[47:56] But you're going to do great.

[47:57] You're going to do great.

S8

[47:58] Shelby,

[47:59] last name with Held.

[47:59] First of all,

[48:00] very upset about the idea

[48:01] of Beef Wellington

[48:02] from Denny's.

[48:03] There is absolutely

[48:04] no shot

[48:05] that it's worth anything.

Elliott Kalan

[48:06] But Dan Dan noodles

[48:07] from Denny's

[48:08] you're okay with?

[48:10] You make a fair point.

[48:11] Thank you.

[48:11] Why don't we settle

S8

[48:12] on personal Dan pizza?

Elliott Kalan

[48:15] We call the restaurant

[48:16] Danny's.

[48:17] There's a moon over my Danny.

[48:18] There's all,

Dan McCoy

[48:19] everything's Dan.

[48:21] Stuart's like,

[48:22] I feel like we brainstormed

[48:23] past the point

[48:23] where we had a pretty good idea.

S8

[48:25] It's all lateral.

[48:26] We didn't even let it

[48:26] walk around a bit.

[48:30] So my wonderful husband,

[48:32] Christopher,

[48:33] turns 40 on Thursday.

[48:35] Happy birthday!

[48:35] Yay!

[48:37] He is in the back.

[48:38] But so I wanted to know...

Elliott Kalan

[48:39] They say 40 is the new 20,

[48:41] or at least they did

[48:41] when Cougar Town

[48:42] was a new show.

[48:44] That was the ad slogan.

S8

[48:45] Well, to that end,

[48:47] do you have any suggestions

[48:48] for movies to prep him

[48:49] for this next stage of life,

[48:51] this proper middle age,

[48:52] to really get him ready

[48:53] for what he should anticipate?

[48:54] I will say,

Elliott Kalan

[48:54] there's one movie

[48:55] that's about what it's like

[48:57] when this is 40,

[48:58] but I don't think it's...

[48:59] Don't watch that.

[49:00] That's not it.

[49:01] You'd love that guy's movies.

[49:05] What do you think, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[49:06] It's just like,

[49:07] are there just like

[49:07] educational films

[49:08] about like proper posture

[49:10] and like how to reduce strain

[49:14] on joints?

[49:15] Because that's mostly

[49:16] what's on my mind these days.

Elliott Kalan

[49:17] I mean...

[49:17] I was going to say

[49:18] anything by Ken Burns.

[49:19] I mean,

[49:20] Cocoon, dude.

[49:21] Cocoon.

[49:22] Yeah, Cocoon.

[49:22] Yeah.

[49:23] Cocoon.

[49:24] Or just, you know, like...

[49:25] Did you know when

[49:26] Wilford Brimley made that movie,

[49:26] he was only 31 years old?

[49:29] Dumb, right?

[49:30] Did you know he was younger

[49:31] than Tom Cruise was

[49:32] when Tom Cruise was older than him

[49:34] when he made that movie?

Dan McCoy

[49:36] Or just any of those dad movies

[49:37] you were talking about earlier,

[49:38] just start shoveling them.

[49:40] Yeah, like Manly Would Be King.

[49:41] Yeah.

[49:41] Master Commander.

[49:43] Oh.

Elliott Kalan

[49:45] Stuart, you're not even a dad

[49:46] and you love these movies.

[49:47] Oh, man.

Dan McCoy

[49:48] Kingdom of Heaven,

[49:48] that's another one too, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[49:50] Yeah, sure.

[49:50] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[49:51] Ridley Scott is like

[49:52] in dad movie territory.

Elliott Kalan

[49:53] Yeah.

[49:54] Last Duel would be a really good dad movie.

[49:55] That's a great one.

[49:56] Yeah, sure.

[49:56] Yeah, yeah.

[49:58] That Napoleon one,

[49:59] I assume is a dad movie.

[50:01] Yeah.

[50:02] Probably The Duelists,

[50:03] that's a great dad.

[50:04] Yeah, really?

[50:04] Scott's movies are all dad movies.

[50:05] Yeah.

[50:06] Yeah.

[50:07] Yeah, like Alien.

[50:10] Didn't he,

[50:10] but didn't he also do like White Squall, right?

[50:12] Yeah, no, no.

[50:13] That's maybe the daddest movie there ever was.

[50:15] He's definitely in that show.

[50:16] So is he a dad or no?

[50:17] No, he's super dope.

[50:17] Oh, shit.

[50:18] Okay, never mind then.

[50:19] No, the energy's right though.

[50:21] Oh, okay, okay, great, great.

[50:21] Yeah, yeah.

[50:22] Yeah, I wonder,

[50:23] there's not,

[50:23] I feel like I haven't,

[50:24] I have not seen a movie

[50:26] that gets across

[50:27] what entering middle age feels like.

[50:29] It feels like movies

[50:30] mostly do stories

[50:31] of young people or old people.

[50:32] They don't do a great job

[50:33] of doing that time of life

[50:35] unless it's a movie like,

[50:37] I mean, again,

[50:37] it's not a great movie

[50:38] like The Family Man

[50:39] where it's always about a guy

[50:40] who like,

[50:40] he wishes he had something different

[50:42] but then he finds out

[50:43] what he had was the best

[50:45] okay.

[50:45] So Jack Frost.

[50:46] Yeah, Jack Frost, yeah.

[50:47] Is he a,

[50:48] to prepare him

[50:49] when he turns into a magic snowman, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[50:51] Perfect, perfect.

[50:52] Thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[50:53] What's a good,

[50:54] let's see.

[50:57] What did I start getting interested in

[50:59] when I turned 40?

[51:00] Yeah, I don't know,

[51:01] vitamins, yeah.

S5

[51:04] Hello, Taylor,

[51:06] last name with hell.

[51:07] Hey, Taylor.

[51:08] Hello.

[51:08] I am a hospice nurse.

[51:10] I actually came from

[51:12] an eight to eight shift

[51:13] and then right here.

[51:14] Thank you for your work.

[51:17] Thank you.

[51:17] But it is actually

[51:18] very joyful work

[51:19] and I would like to know

[51:23] if you could pick

[51:24] the last movie

Elliott Kalan

[51:25] that you were going to watch,

[51:27] what would you pick?

[51:28] I think about this

[51:29] a surprising amount

[51:30] because I'm often like

[51:33] watching a movie

[51:34] for the Flophouse

[51:35] and I'm like,

[51:35] am I going to die

[51:36] before I see another movie?

[51:38] There's so much

[51:39] I want to see

[51:40] but I'm watching K-9.

Dan McCoy

[51:42] I mean,

[51:43] I understand that feeling

[51:44] but also

[51:45] I feel like if I knew,

[51:47] I probably wouldn't pick

[51:48] a new movie.

Elliott Kalan

[51:49] No, no,

[51:49] you'd pick something

[51:50] you know is special to you.

Dan McCoy

[51:51] Yeah,

[51:51] I would pick like

[51:52] a Parks Brothers movie

[51:53] or something

[51:53] and I'm like,

[51:54] let me laugh at something,

[51:55] please.

[51:56] Yeah,

[51:56] yeah,

[51:57] I think so.

[51:57] Or maybe the Muppet movie,

[51:58] that would be a good one.

[51:59] I think you should do the Muppet movie,

[52:00] yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[52:00] Yeah.

[52:01] I mean,

[52:01] I probably...

[52:02] Because then they say

[52:03] life's like a movie,

[52:03] write your own ending

[52:04] and you go,

[52:04] I am.

[52:05] I have.

[52:06] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[52:07] I mean,

[52:08] like the obvious answer

[52:09] would be like

[52:09] the Lord of the Rings movies

[52:11] but also like...

[52:13] Because it would extend

[52:13] quite a bit?

Elliott Kalan

[52:16] Death,

[52:16] you can't get me

[52:17] until I finish

[52:18] watching these movies

[52:18] and at the end

[52:19] of Return of the King

[52:20] it's like,

[52:20] I have you now.

[52:21] Oh,

[52:22] The Hobbit.

[52:23] Nine more hours

Stuart Wellington

[52:26] of life for you.

[52:28] But I'd also say

[52:28] like any Miyazaki movie

[52:31] like Spirited Away

[52:32] or something

[52:32] would be like,

[52:33] yeah,

[52:33] like the warm bath

[52:34] of a movie.

Elliott Kalan

[52:35] Yeah,

[52:36] I might want to see,

[52:38] I mean,

[52:39] almost every year

[52:39] for my birthday.

[52:40] Crank 2,

[52:40] high voltage.

Stuart Wellington

[52:42] That'll kick me

[52:43] out of this funk.

Elliott Kalan

[52:44] Yeah,

[52:45] almost every year

[52:46] for my birthday

[52:46] I just end up watching

[52:47] Taken,

[52:47] Pelham 1,

[52:47] 2,

[52:47] 3 again.

[52:48] So it might be that

[52:49] but I don't know,

[52:50] maybe Wizard of Oz.

[52:51] Yeah,

[52:52] that's a good one.

[52:52] That's a great,

[52:53] a good one?

[52:54] A good pick.

[52:55] Oh,

[52:56] thanks,

[52:56] okay.

[52:56] It's a great movie.

[52:57] It's a great movie.

[52:58] There's a reason

[52:59] that people are paying

[52:59] top dollar

[53:00] to see it at the dome

[53:01] or the sphere.

[53:02] Yeah,

[53:03] because they're dumb.

[53:05] But that's a sweet question.

[53:06] I'm going to think

[53:07] about that some more,

[53:07] yeah.

[53:10] I'll go home

[53:11] and ask my kids,

[53:12] they'll be like,

[53:12] what movie should I watch

[53:13] before I die?

[53:16] They're like Cars 2.

[53:18] They might say,

[53:19] and that's the worst one?

S9

[53:23] Hello,

[53:24] Bryce,

[53:26] So I'm going to see,

[53:27] I'm going to make sure

[53:28] that I'm not this person,

[53:29] but I...

[53:31] Can't wait to find out

[53:32] what kind of person

[53:32] this is that you're not.

[53:33] I used to have to write

[53:35] film reviews

[53:35] and there was one night

[53:37] in which I had to review

[53:37] two movies at once.

[53:39] And the first movie

[53:40] was Zombieland,

[53:41] the second was

[53:41] the Patton Oswalt film

[53:42] Big Fan.

[53:43] Okay.

[53:44] And the Zombieland's film

[53:45] screening ran way over.

[53:48] So I got to the Big Fan

[53:49] screening across town

[53:50] with maybe 15 minutes

[53:52] to left.

[53:53] And there was a Q&A

[53:54] with Patton Oswalt

[53:56] afterwards.

[53:57] And I saw

[53:58] another film critic

[53:59] at a far more

[54:00] reputable newspaper

[54:02] walk up and be like,

[54:04] who I knew

[54:05] was at the Zombieland

[54:05] screening.

[54:06] Be like,

[54:06] hey,

[54:07] I just want you,

[54:08] Patton Oswalt,

[54:09] in your own words,

[54:11] to just explain

[54:12] what the movie is about.

[54:16] That's amazing.

[54:17] So I just want to see

[54:20] if you have any stories

[54:21] about a Q&A

[54:22] after a screening

[54:24] or anything like that

[54:25] where you've experienced

[54:26] such another egregious

[54:27] or funny audience

[54:29] encounter with a Q&A.

Elliott Kalan

[54:30] That's amazing,

[54:31] the balls it would take

[54:32] to do that.

Stuart Wellington

[54:34] I wasn't watching,

[54:36] could you?

[54:37] So this wasn't

[54:39] at a film screening.

[54:40] I've seen some good ones

[54:42] and some bad ones,

[54:43] but there was a...

[54:45] What a life.

[54:47] Time to watch

[54:48] Lord of the Rings,

[54:48] I guess.

[54:50] We went to a live

[54:52] podcast taping

[54:53] of our friends,

[54:54] the McElroy brothers,

[54:56] for My Brother,

[54:56] My Brother,

[54:57] and Me.

[54:57] It was great

[54:58] and they were introduced

[55:01] by Lin-Manuel Miranda

[55:02] who came out

[55:02] and he was great.

[55:03] And then like,

[55:04] you know,

[55:04] Lin watched the rest

[55:06] of the show

[55:06] from the side

[55:07] and was loving

[55:08] every minute of it

[55:09] like no man

[55:09] has loved a podcast before.

[55:11] But like,

[55:12] midway through the show

[55:13] during the Q&A,

[55:14] a guy came up

[55:14] to ask a question.

[55:15] He was like,

[55:16] hey,

[55:16] I'd like to do

[55:18] a rap battle

[55:19] with Lin,

[55:19] please.

[55:20] Whoa.

[55:21] And they're like,

[55:22] what?

[55:24] He's like,

[55:24] yeah,

[55:24] I think I should do it.

[55:25] And it was like

[55:26] the weirdest thing

[55:27] I've ever seen.

[55:27] Like the fucking

[55:28] stones on this guy.

[55:30] That is even worse

Elliott Kalan

[55:32] than asking

[55:33] Patton Oswalt

[55:33] to do your homework

[55:34] for you about the movie.

Dan McCoy

[55:35] Yeah.

[55:36] I go into like

[55:37] a fugue state

[55:38] when anything

[55:39] too uncomfortable happens.

[55:40] So I feel like

[55:41] I blocked everything out.

[55:42] And you have a very low tolerance.

[55:43] But I think that,

[55:44] I know you've talked

[55:45] about something before

[55:47] along these lines.

[55:48] I don't mean to put you

[55:48] on the spot

[55:49] because now you don't

[55:49] seem to remember anything.

[55:50] I mean,

Elliott Kalan

[55:51] I've seen a bunch,

[55:51] I don't have seen any

[55:52] that are as good as stewards,

[55:53] but I've definitely

[55:53] been at a lot of Q&As

[55:54] where someone gets up

[55:55] and they're like,

[55:56] this is my chance

[55:57] to become best friends

[55:59] with the person

[56:00] who is on stage

[56:00] right now.

[56:01] and I've seen audiences

[56:02] boo people

[56:04] asking questions

[56:05] because they will not

[56:06] stop just trying

[56:07] to like get,

[56:08] be like,

[56:09] what's the thing

[56:10] I can say

[56:11] that will make

[56:11] this person say

[56:12] we should hang out

[56:13] after the show?

Elliott Kalan

[56:13] What's the Konami code here?

[56:15] Yeah, exactly.

[56:16] But I'm trying to think

[56:17] of a specific one,

[56:17] but I don't know.

[56:18] There's a,

[56:20] there's a,

[56:20] I will say that one,

[56:21] there was one time,

[56:22] so Stuart and I

[56:22] years ago,

[56:23] we went to see

[56:23] a screening of

[56:24] Only God Forgives

[56:26] and Nicholas Winding-Ryphon

[56:28] and what's his face?

[56:30] The star of the movie?

[56:30] Ryan Gosling.

[56:30] Ryan Gosling

[56:31] were there afterwards

[56:32] and that was,

[56:33] one of the best answers

[56:34] I've ever heard was

[56:35] someone said to Ryan Gosling,

[56:36] is there a role

[56:37] that another actor played

[56:38] that you wish you could play?

[56:39] And he goes,

[56:40] Freddy Krueger.

[56:41] No, not a wait.

[56:42] No, no pause.

[56:44] He just comes and,

[56:45] and the crowd lost their minds.

[56:47] They went crazy.

[56:48] But then there was

[56:49] another guy,

[56:49] he goes,

[56:50] and he went,

[56:50] as an aspiring filmmaker myself

[56:52] and the audience

[56:52] started booing so badly

[56:54] and I felt so bad

[56:57] for this guy

[56:57] and then he,

[56:59] he was like,

[57:00] give me some advice

[57:01] and it was a terrible question

[57:02] but Nicholas Winding-Ryphon

[57:03] had a great answer for it

[57:04] but it was like,

[57:05] I felt so bad for this guy

[57:06] because I'm like,

[57:07] that's a dumbass question

[57:08] but also like,

[57:09] the whole audience

[57:09] turned against you so quickly.

[57:13] Thank you so much.

[57:14] Thank you so much.

Dan McCoy

[57:15] And thank all of you

[57:17] for being here

[57:18] late on a Sunday.

[57:22] I mean,

[57:23] speaking of which,

[57:23] I'm sure they will need

[57:25] to kick us out

[57:26] at some point

[57:27] so I don't know

[57:28] how much time we have.

[57:29] We'll try and sign

[57:30] some things afterwards

[57:31] if people want that.

[57:33] But we should

[57:34] say our names

[57:36] and get off the stage.

[57:37] Wait,

Elliott Kalan

[57:37] who's going to say

[57:38] which name?

Dan McCoy

[57:40] You say Stuart's

[57:41] and I'll say yours.

[57:42] Okay.

[57:43] And you say mine.

[57:44] Wait,

[57:44] but I'm saying Stuart's

[57:45] and yours?

[57:48] I've been Dan McCoy.

[57:50] Let's just keep it easy.

Elliott Kalan

[57:52] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[57:53] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[57:54] Thank you very much,

[57:55] Chicago.

[57:55] Thank you.

[57:55] Thank you,

[57:56] Sleeping Village.

[57:58] You've been wonderful.

Dan McCoy

[58:09] Yeah,

[58:10] Elliot did some

[58:11] real champion vamping

[58:13] as I tried to figure out

[58:14] That's why they call me

[58:15] the vamp champ.

[58:16] what was going on.

Elliott Kalan

[58:18] Hello.

[58:20] Hey.

[58:20] That's a more

Dan McCoy

[58:21] I just realized

[58:24] that's a more traditional way

[58:25] to start a show

[58:25] than to say

[58:27] what went wrong

[58:28] at the first show.

[58:29] Yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[58:29] there's no more

[58:30] Dan McCoy way

[58:31] to start a show

[58:31] than to litigate

[58:33] the problems

[58:33] of the first show.

Dan McCoy

[58:36] I asked this

[58:37] the first thing.

[58:38] I'll ask it again.

[58:39] Who's been to a show before?

[58:41] A Flophouse show.

[58:43] Yeah,

[58:43] not just any show.

[58:45] Not like,

[58:45] I saw Celine Dion.

[58:47] No,

[58:48] and

[58:50] wow.

Elliott Kalan

[58:52] Who here is not familiar

[58:53] with the Flophouse

[58:54] and somebody else

[58:54] brought you?

[58:56] Oh,

[58:56] okay.

[58:57] Thank you.

[58:57] Okay.

[58:58] Get ready for the ride

[58:59] of your life.

[59:03] Get ready for an immersive

[59:04] theatrical experience

[59:06] that will have you

[59:07] questioning

[59:07] just what is life.

[59:10] Everyone close your eyes,

[59:11] take out $30

[59:12] and hold it

[59:13] in an open palm.

[59:15] This trick

[59:16] will blow your minds.

[59:17] Yeah,

[59:17] yeah.

Dan McCoy

[59:18] Okay.

[59:19] I'll see.

[59:19] Let them cook.

[59:23] Maximum Fun.

S6

[59:24] A worker-owned network

Dan McCoy

[59:25] of artist-owned shows

[59:27] supported

[59:28] directly

[59:28] by you.

K-9, LIVE!

Transcript

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