FH Mini 142 - Respect Your Eldens

Stuart Wellington

[0:00] Hey there, folks. I'm Stuart Wellington of the Flophouse podcast, and welcome to another Flophouse mini.

[0:10] I am one of the members of the Flophouse, and my co-hosts are...

[0:14] Me, Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[0:16] And myself, Elliot Kalin, author of Joke Farming, had to write comedy and other nonsense on store shelves now.

[0:21] I have a bit of a cold, which is why I sound, as always, sexier.

Stuart Wellington

[0:26] Yeah, yeah. Alex, can you just jack up Elliot's levels to make him sound less like he has a sexy cold?

[0:33] I mean, I can do myself.

[0:34] Put a helium filter on.

[0:35] Guys, this is me now.

[0:37] Do one of them Alvin and the Chipmunks things to it?

[0:40] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[0:41] Guys, an Alvin and the Chipmunks would make more sense than an Alvin and Thelonious Monks, which is a different order.

[0:46] It's less about speeding up the sound and more about questioning what music is.

Stuart Wellington

[0:51] Yeah. Is it a thing you put in your ears, or is it something you devour?

[0:55] Exactly.

[0:55] A carnivorous creature.

Elliott Kalan

[0:57] Although I will say the Alvin and Thelonious Monks version of All I Want for Christmas is my two front teeth.

[1:01] Worth listening to.

[1:03] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03] I thought you were about to say that it's worthless.

[1:06] And I'm like, come on, Elliot.

[1:07] That's harsh even for you.

[1:08] I would never say that.

[1:09] Never.

[1:09] So here at the Flophouse, we normally watch a bad movie and talk about it.

[1:12] But here on a Flophouse Mini, we are doing our own thing, which is, aka, whatever Stuart wants to do.

[1:19] Uh-oh.

[1:19] And today I have my two friends, and they are trapped here with me.

[1:23] Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24] I would love to paint a word picture for the audience that Stuart has what might be described as an impish grin on his face.

[1:30] Yeah.

[1:30] There's a certain mischievous quality to him that worries me greatly.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34] Dan is gripping the desk that we're sitting at with an intensity that I am worried is going to fracture the material he's holding.

[1:43] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43] I'm kind of worried Dan is wasting money right now on the whole chair because he's only using the edge.

Stuart Wellington

[1:48] So we, just to give a little bit of preamble here, a few weeks ago, maybe a month, Dan and I had the lucky opportunity to go out to dinner with our good friend, podcaster, author, comedian, actor, John Hodgman.

[2:04] And John invited us out to dinner with his friend, novelist George R.R. Martin.

[2:10] Now, if you're a regular listener of the show, that you will know that this is a huge deal for at least Stuart because Stuart is an enormous Song of Ice and Fire fan.

[2:19] And I needed to have my emotional support Dan there so I could hold on to him in case I was about to faint.

Dan McCoy

[2:24] Yeah, thanks for animalizing me in this scenario.

Elliott Kalan

[2:28] I will mention Elliot was not invited.

[2:30] They could say, hey, Elliot, you were 3,000 miles away at the time.

[2:33] And I can say, what about the New York to L.A. bullet train that I could have taken in just several hours?

[2:39] No, no, that's full of killers.

Stuart Wellington

[2:40] You don't want to get on that train.

[2:41] That's why I don't take it.

[2:42] Good point.

[2:43] Good point.

[2:43] Yeah.

[2:44] Obviously, if Elliot was in town, he wouldn't have been able to go out because it was well past his bedtime.

[2:49] Yeah, that's true.

[2:49] But if it was earlier.

Elliott Kalan

[2:50] Too bad because I'm such a big fan of George R.R. Martin's work with Jerry Lewis as Martin and Lewis.

Stuart Wellington

[2:54] Oh, that's great.

[2:56] Unfortunately, they never finished the routine.

[2:58] Yes.

[2:59] So this was a really big deal for me.

[3:01] And we went out to a very nice dinner.

[3:03] And George was a sweetie.

[3:05] And I got to sit next to him.

[3:06] And I did feel exactly like a make-a-wish kid the whole time.

Elliott Kalan

[3:10] It's the closest I think I've ever seen, Stuart, to a picture of a grown child next to Santa Claus.

Stuart Wellington

[3:15] Just the delight on your face in the picture I saw.

[3:17] Yeah.

[3:19] Yes.

[3:19] It was lovely.

[3:21] And I made a point of not asking anything about the Song of Ice and Fire books, spinoffs, et cetera, et cetera.

[3:28] You only told him how great you loved the end of the series.

[3:31] Yeah.

[3:31] Of the TV series.

[3:32] It was all Beauty and the Beast talk.

[3:33] It was all wild cards.

[3:35] The thing that I really wanted to talk about, and which is going to be the subject of today's mini, is his involvement in the writing of the background for the video game Elden Ring.

[3:47] And because Elden Ring also is being developed into a movie by writer-director Alex Garland, who even flew all the way out to Japan to meet with series developer Hidetaka Miyazaki to plan an Elden Ring movie, which I will say I've had, say, mixed feelings toward the work of Alex Garland.

[4:10] And I feel like it is an interesting choice.

[4:12] But, hey, you know, he's got to follow his passions.

[4:14] I thought, why not give my two best buddies a glimpse into something that I'm passionate about and give them a little bit of a heads up for a movie that will maybe come out sometime.

[4:27] Okay.

[4:27] Aren't you guys excited?

[4:29] Are you guys excited to step into the lands between with me?

[4:33] Uh, sure.

Elliott Kalan

[4:36] I'm excited to find out something about Elden Ring, which I know exists.

[4:41] I've never played it.

[4:42] All I know is it sounds to me like an old ring.

[4:44] These are words I've heard.

[4:45] Like it's an elderly ring.

Stuart Wellington

[4:47] So you haven't played Elden Ring.

[4:49] Like a rinkly old ring.

[4:51] It's kind of like that.

[4:53] So you have no experience with Elden Ring.

[4:56] Now, Elden Ring is produced by a company that makes, and it's kind of a spiritual part.

[5:01] Wait, is Elden Ring missed?

[5:02] No.

[5:03] Okay, then no, I don't know Elden Ring.

Dan McCoy

[5:04] Is Elden Ring one of the rings that Sonic the Hedgehog collects?

[5:06] Because then I would be familiar with it.

Stuart Wellington

[5:07] If Sonic the Hedgehog collected the Elden Ring and became Elden Lord, I would be very impressed.

[5:12] And probably get...

[5:13] That's what I was going to say.

[5:14] Probably get what?

Elliott Kalan

[5:15] I'd probably get deeper involved in my Sonic fan fiction.

[5:18] But go ahead.

[5:19] So Sonic is not in it, or Sonic is not pregnant in it?

Stuart Wellington

[5:22] No, he's neither.

[5:23] Although there is some pregnancy in it.

[5:25] What about Echo the Dolphin?

[5:26] Pregnant with possibilities.

[5:28] Does Echo the Dolphin show up?

[5:28] You guys are listing a lot of video games, but actually Elden Ring is kind of part of the Dark Souls.

[5:33] Does it feature either ToeJam or Earl or both?

[5:36] In a way, yes.

[5:38] So Elden Ring is part of the Dark Souls universe.

[5:41] Are you guys familiar with the Dark Souls games?

[5:43] Is there any clay fighting?

Elliott Kalan

[5:43] Is there any clay fighting in Elden Ring?

Stuart Wellington

[5:45] I'm also glad that Elliot's only listing games from the Sega Genesis from like a six-month window.

Dan McCoy

[5:50] That's about the last point at which I was familiar with a lot of video games.

Elliott Kalan

[5:56] How many?

[5:56] Is the Rage Primal?

[5:58] In the game?

[5:59] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[5:59] Dark Souls.

[6:01] So Dark Souls.

[6:02] What is Dark Souls?

Stuart Wellington

[6:02] So it's part of the Dark Souls franchise.

[6:03] Are you familiar?

[6:04] Now, Dark Souls is very popular.

Dan McCoy

[6:05] I played Dead Cells, which sort of sounds like Dark Souls.

Elliott Kalan

[6:08] Now, Dead Cells is a roguelike.

[6:09] Now, I read Nikolai Gogol's classic novel, Dead Souls, a kind of not quite satire, but picaresque comedy about the Russian landowners of the 19th century.

[6:19] Is that what it's about?

Stuart Wellington

[6:20] Well, I think, Elliot, you're talking about the book that inspired the hit song by, what is it, New Order?

[6:27] Or was it Joy Division?

[6:29] Joy Division, Dead Souls, which was then covered famously in the Crow soundtrack by Trent Reznor.

Dan McCoy

[6:36] By the way, for the listeners, we're experimenting with something new called podcast edging.

[6:42] We're never going to get to where we're going.

Stuart Wellington

[6:44] I was like, you guys, this is going to be a long one.

[6:45] You're like, okay, that's great.

[6:47] And then you're helping me make it longer.

[6:49] Yeah.

[6:49] We're going to get to the fireworks factory.

Dan McCoy

[6:51] I was like, I hope this will be short.

[6:53] And now, and Sarah's like, I got a bunch of stuff in this one.

[6:55] I'm like, oh, no.

[6:56] And now we're the ones slowing it down.

Elliott Kalan

[6:59] Unfortunately, once you get me naming 90s console video games, that's when there's a problem.

[7:03] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[7:04] Okay.

[7:04] So Elden Ring is kind of part of the Dark Souls universe, which are a series of video role-playing games.

[7:10] Last question.

Elliott Kalan

[7:11] Is that related to the Dark Universe of movie titles, of which there was one?

Stuart Wellington

[7:15] Yes.

[7:15] Are you talking about The Mummy?

[7:17] There's one official one.

[7:18] I feel like they had a couple of them.

[7:20] Dragon Ball is kind of like a hidden pilot soft launch that did not take.

[7:25] Yeah.

[7:26] Failure launch.

[7:27] Also part of it.

[7:28] Also part of the Dark Universe.

Elliott Kalan

[7:30] Because that was about, it was a romance between Frankenstein and the Bride of Frankenstein.

[7:34] Yeah, yeah.

[7:34] So the Dark Souls games.

[7:36] I mean the Doctor.

[7:36] Not the monster.

[7:37] Dr. Frankenstein.

[7:38] And the Bride of Frankenstein.

[7:39] Elizabeth.

[7:40] Anyway, continue, Stu.

Stuart Wellington

[7:41] It was a prequel before they made the monster.

Elliott Kalan

[7:44] Stu, continue.

Stuart Wellington

[7:45] So the Dark Souls games are famously difficult.

[7:49] They're role-playing games.

[7:50] They have like a semi-open world.

[7:53] They're somewhat non-like.

[7:54] Like there's like, they're not entirely linear.

[7:57] And they don't give you a lot of direction.

[8:00] A lot of the information, like the background of the lore.

[8:03] You have to learn through like reading item descriptions.

[8:06] Sounds fun.

[8:07] And finding things in-game.

[8:08] I see why they're popular.

[8:09] There are games that kind of reward you for like exploring and diving deep.

[8:15] And like dying over and over again.

[8:18] Because over time you'll get better at it.

[8:21] Unlike the world where you just, everything gets worse over time.

[8:24] And when you die the one time, that's it.

Dan McCoy

[8:26] You don't get better.

[8:27] This is exactly the sort of video game I hate.

[8:29] A big sprawling world.

[8:30] We have to read a lot of stuff and explore.

[8:33] You don't quite know what you're supposed to.

[8:34] I mean, it's kind of fascinating when you die.

Elliott Kalan

[8:36] I really like video games that are side-scrollers where there's such limits on what your actions are.

[8:40] Yes.

[8:40] That it's very clear and you don't have to use your brain except to like time villain movements.

Stuart Wellington

[8:44] But the thing that's kind of fascinating about it is there are also games where you don't really need to pay attention to the lore.

[8:51] You can just like make yourself the strongest guy and go bash things with a giant club.

[8:55] And you'll still get a satisfying experience out of it.

[8:58] But if you want to learn the lore, you have to do a lot of work in-game.

[9:02] Or you have to track down like six-hour-long YouTube videos by very confident nerds.

[9:10] Or you can listen to a short podcast like this one.

[9:12] There's also an Elden Ring manga that I'm not entirely familiar with.

[9:18] But my understanding is it's like a weird parody joke comic.

[9:22] Okay.

[9:22] Which is also very funny that this big, sprawling, serious role-playing game is supported by a weird goof comic.

[9:30] Okay.

[9:31] Now I like it.

[9:32] So what is Elden Ring?

[9:34] Elden Ring is an open-world video role-playing game.

Elliott Kalan

[9:37] I just want to mention that Stuart's been talking for a while now and then he got to, so what is Elden Ring?

[9:42] I had hoped that question had been answered already.

Stuart Wellington

[9:45] It's a role-playing game where you – it's action-adventure.

[9:49] You fight big bosses.

[9:51] You kill dudes.

[9:52] You get stronger over time with the eventual goal of becoming Elden Lord.

[9:59] To give you guys an idea of the Lord –

Elliott Kalan

[10:01] And what are the privileges of being Elden Lord?

[10:03] What are the benefits?

[10:03] Why do you want to be Elden Lord?

Stuart Wellington

[10:04] It kind of depends on which version of the Elden Ring rune, what master rune you're going to use.

[10:12] I already regret asking.

[10:13] At the end when you heal the shattered Elden Ring.

[10:17] I see.

[10:18] That'll determine what kind of age you usher in.

[10:21] But we'll get to that later.

[10:23] Okay.

[10:24] So just to give you guys a snippet of the lore, the game begins with a very exciting cinematic.

[10:29] And we're going to watch that now and we'll take a brief break, listeners, and we'll come back.

[10:34] Thank you.

[10:39] Okay.

[10:39] And we're back, guys.

[10:40] We just watched the opening cinematic video of Elden Ring.

[10:43] And I feel that probably cleared everything up, but you might have a few questions.

[10:47] No.

[10:47] Thoughts, reactions?

Dan McCoy

[10:49] That didn't explain anything to me.

[10:51] And it was really long.

[10:53] At first, I was going to make fun of it.

[10:55] You said it was very cinematic and it's literally just panning across a bunch of sort of paintings.

[11:00] So are you saying that Ken Burns is not cinematic?

[11:04] I am, actually.

[11:06] But you know what?

[11:07] Ken Burns' Elden Ring documentary would be incredible.

Elliott Kalan

[11:10] I can't wait to see his 17-part Elden Ring documentary.

Dan McCoy

[11:14] I got to say, I do actually, I was thinking about it, I do prefer that to, like, interminable cut scenes where people talk to one another, honestly.

Elliott Kalan

[11:22] I mean, I'm sure there's plenty of those in the game, right?

Stuart Wellington

[11:25] Yeah.

[11:25] Not really, no.

[11:27] That's one of the things about the Dark Souls games.

[11:29] They don't actually have that many little cut scenes or animated sequences.

[11:32] Yeah, but I didn't, the lore did not, the lore was not illuminated for me.

Elliott Kalan

[11:36] So here's what I think I understand from it.

[11:40] There's a thing called the Elden Ring.

[11:43] It got broken somehow.

[11:45] Uh-huh.

[11:46] Bad happened and the Queen disappeared.

[11:49] There's a place called the Lands Between, which you are either from or going to.

[11:55] And the Elden Ring is either from it or went to it.

[11:59] And there's these guys who are-

[12:01] And a lot of bad guys have parts of it, I think.

[12:02] There's a bunch of guys they mention in the end who are either fellow champions or bosses you'll be up against.

[12:09] There are helpers on your quest.

[12:11] I mean, they seem pretty evil.

Dan McCoy

[12:13] Like one of them was like the Dung Master or something like that.

Elliott Kalan

[12:15] The lowest from Dung Eater.

[12:16] The lowest from Dung Eater.

[12:17] I see, but you never know.

[12:18] That could be like the hero in the fantasy novel who goes from lowest to highest, you know.

[12:22] Or, as Spike Lee would have it, highest to lowest.

[12:24] Yep.

[12:25] So let's-

Stuart Wellington

[12:26] I think it's time for us to take a deep dive and unpack this.

[12:30] I will point out that I actually-

Elliott Kalan

[12:33] I'm worried that we're going to try to dive deep and it won't be that deep.

[12:36] And it'll be like in the Bugs Bunny cartoons when he's going to dive from a high platform into a glass of water.

[12:42] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[12:42] I will say that I think this cinematic's very funny because it plays and introduces a lot of character names.

[12:50] Yeah.

[12:51] And a lot of those characters, you don't meet until you've played the game for like 20 hours or something.

[12:56] And you're like, you have long forgotten this opening cinematic.

[13:00] So it doesn't-

[13:01] Oh, Gold Mask.

[13:02] Oh, of course.

[13:03] Yeah, I've been waiting for you.

[13:04] Yeah, I mean, running into an all-knowing Gold Mask is pretty exciting.

[13:07] Now, the thing is that having played the game a couple times, I've only done two full playthroughs, put in about 200 hours, okay?

[13:18] I'm not going to go into my build, everybody.

[13:20] We're not going to worry about that, but I might talk about it.

Dan McCoy

[13:22] Ellie, do you want to like maybe shift some of your making fun of me for my free time to Stuart at this point?

Elliott Kalan

[13:27] I think I'll have to, yeah, at this point.

[13:29] Okay, we'll just put a few chips over there.

[13:31] That's about, what, eight or nine days straight of playing this game of just free time to wander around.

[13:37] Which I did straight, ignoring everything.

[13:40] In a pile of his own sick waste.

[13:43] I was the loathsome dung eater in this case.

[13:45] I was literally saying to my, you know, it was my birthday recently and my wife and I went to dinner.

[13:50] And at dinner she was talking about a friend's coworker who has some hobby.

[13:54] And I was like, I wish, that'd be amazing to have the time for a hobby.

[13:58] Like a thing you do that is not work related.

[14:00] That sounds amazing.

[14:01] So Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[14:01] 95% of Ellie's complaints are user error.

[14:06] Ellie's choices in his life have slowed him, like he's like, I don't have free time.

Elliott Kalan

[14:10] To be fair, the big current choice I feel like I, you know, was based on false information.

[14:15] But I think, you're right.

[14:18] If the user error in that, in choosing my personal career and family structure.

[14:24] Over becoming Elden Lord?

[14:25] Yes.

[14:26] You fucked up, dog.

[14:27] I mean, nobody told me, nobody told me, you know, 12 years ago that the choice of the other choice is to be Elden Lord.

Stuart Wellington

[14:34] Yeah.

[14:34] It's weird too because, yeah, I'm like super unsuccessful and don't get anything done in my days either.

[14:40] So let's go on.

[14:42] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[14:42] So one thing I will also say.

[14:43] I mean, the difference I guess too is that when you die, that's just it.

[14:45] You just turn to dust.

[14:46] Whereas I will have left a legacy in chromosomes that will continue on, you know.

[14:51] Sure.

[14:52] Yeah, yeah.

[14:53] Because this world's lasting a long time.

Dan McCoy

[14:55] Yeah, and you'll peer out from behind his eyes like the end of being John Matovich.

Elliott Kalan

[14:58] Similar.

[14:59] When I, when I, when I, when I, when I don't want to get into it.

[15:03] Just how often, just how often you get a hug from Elden Ring is something that we can talk about, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[15:09] Uh-huh, I mean, I'll also point out that our world is similar to the world's presenting in games like.

[15:15] I apologize.

Elliott Kalan

[15:15] It's more fun to make fun of Dan for his free time.

Stuart Wellington

[15:17] Anyway.

[15:19] And similar to, our world is similar to Elden Ring and the worlds of Dark Souls in that we exist in a empire that is decaying and crumbling.

[15:27] Almost like a massive mausoleum in which we have to fight and scrape our way to survive.

[15:33] So.

[15:33] Is that a thing in Elden Ring that you're in the massive mausoleum or is that just metaphor?

[15:37] The general design of everything almost feels like you're in a massive graveyard.

[15:41] Ah, okay.

[15:42] So, um, I will also point out that I, I actually really enjoy, you guys were, uh, Dan was commenting on how slow the narrator reads.

[15:50] But I actually kind of love it.

[15:52] And this guy goes hard as hell in, in some of these, in some of the line deliveries.

[15:56] Like when he describes, uh, you know, he says, arise, he tarnished.

[16:00] And when he's like, he mentions Sir Gideon off near the all knowing.

[16:04] And I'm like, this dude just blasted in his pants.

Dan McCoy

[16:07] I have never wanted so much to have a Jubin Parang, uh, two times speed.

[16:13] No way.

Elliott Kalan

[16:13] No way.

[16:13] Then you blast extra fast.

[16:15] Here's my feeling about this.

[16:16] I love kind of like, I don't always love to read in depth or experience fantasy nonsense stuff.

[16:22] But I love fantasy, the concepts of fantasy nonsense stuff.

[16:25] And if you're going to do it, you got to do it all out.

[16:27] You want a guy reading it.

[16:28] I think you did a great job.

[16:29] Yeah, you don't want, you don't want somebody winking at you the whole time.

Stuart Wellington

[16:32] You want somebody who's like, this is my fucking.

[16:33] The drama was fine.

Elliott Kalan

[16:35] When you have to say, arise, ye tarnished.

[16:36] You want it to feel like he's telling the tarnished to arise, ye.

Dan McCoy

[16:38] You can have a bunch of drama at a normal speaking rate.

Elliott Kalan

[16:43] I don't think you can.

[16:44] It's supposed to be epic and mythic.

[16:46] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[16:47] Okay, so.

[16:48] They talked slower then.

[16:50] So let us get into the lore of Eldarines.

[16:53] Dan, can you please share the screen so you guys can see the images in this PowerPoint I've drafted?

Dan McCoy

[16:58] Stuart has a PowerPoint that he's sharing.

Elliott Kalan

[17:01] I will say, I feel like I've learned maybe what, one half of one tenth of a percent of what there is to know about Eldarines.

Stuart Wellington

[17:07] Oh boy.

[17:08] A drop in the bucket.

[17:09] And honestly, I will say before I get into this, there is a good chance that somebody listening to this will be more of an expert and I will get things wrong.

[17:19] Please save any critiques to tell, I don't know, your mom or someone else because I don't care about it.

[17:26] I'm doing my best here, folks.

[17:28] Yeah, I think, yeah, slideshow, perfect.

[17:30] And I can advance this.

[17:31] Okay, so here's my PowerPoint.

[17:33] So you want to become the Elden Lord.

[17:35] Who's who and what's what?

[17:36] And the Lands Between.

[17:38] Okay.

[17:38] What are the Lands Between?

[17:39] What are they between?

[17:40] Elliot, you got to our first point.

[17:42] The Lands Between presented here.

[17:45] The Lands Between is the realm, the world that you explore.

[17:49] So this is a world that is kind of crumbling.

[17:51] You have evidence of fallen empires.

[17:54] It's like a kind of a classic medieval fantasy world that it has a lot of different types of environments.

[18:00] This is a world that you can explore as your character.

[18:04] And it's all looked over by – and by the way, there's a lot of information here.

[18:10] If you guys could just keep your questions for the end, that'd be really helpful.

[18:13] I'm sure there'll be –

[18:15] No problem.

[18:15] That won't be hard for us.

[18:17] Yeah.

[18:17] So the –

[18:18] So Dan, what's –

[18:19] So Stu, what's that tree?

[18:21] That comes to our second point, Elliot.

[18:23] The world is – at all points you can see kind of central to the world is this massive glowing tree called the Aird Tree.

[18:32] This is kind of like an embodiment of the – I think the greater will I think is the term that they use.

[18:39] The greater will is kind of like a divine entity or divine feeling that exists kind of outside of the world of the game.

[18:49] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[18:49] So what are the worlds between?

Stuart Wellington

[18:51] So the lands betweens is an interesting name in that it's kind of – I don't really know what the lands between refers to.

[18:59] Obviously, somebody can chime in.

[19:01] I mean it sounds cool.

[19:02] It sounds super cool.

[19:03] It's a cool name.

[19:04] But this is –

Elliott Kalan

[19:05] But like is it between downtown and the arts district?

[19:09] Or like is it between like a big parking lot and like a state park?

Stuart Wellington

[19:14] I think it does refer to the fact that it's physically between things.

[19:19] I think it's separated from other lands that are not touched on within the course of the game.

Elliott Kalan

[19:23] Like is it between the California Pizza Kitchen and the Lens Crafters at the mall?

Stuart Wellington

[19:27] I think it's a slightly larger amount of space because this is actually a pretty sprawling game.

Dan McCoy

[19:31] It's like the non-aliens in the fourth Indiana Jones.

[19:36] It's the space between spaces.

Stuart Wellington

[19:38] Yes, it's a lot like that.

[19:40] So that's the Aird Tree.

[19:41] Now, the Aird Tree, you're probably – you're like – you're talking about Aird Tree's lands between –

[19:46] I sure am.

[19:46] What's the whole deal with the Elden Ring?

[19:49] So the Elden Ring refers to long ago at a undesignated specific time.

Elliott Kalan

[19:55] The only thing that worries me is that Stuart has not progressed from this slide to another slide this entire time, which makes me worry about the length of the presentation.

[20:03] Or past his first note card.

Stuart Wellington

[20:06] I'm on the third note card.

[20:07] So tell us about the Elden Ring.

[20:08] Yeah.

[20:09] So the Greater Will sent a weird beast referred to as the Elden Beast to the planet.

[20:17] Now, the lands between is often visited by creatures that come from like the stars and land in like meteors.

[20:28] And the Elden Beast is one of those things.

[20:31] And upon arriving, it transformed to become the Elden Ring, which actually I forgot to get a good image of.

[20:38] But you can see it if you look at the box art of the game.

Elliott Kalan

[20:41] So this helps me out a lot because every time you say Elden Ring – and I apologize, this is just my frame of reference.

[20:46] Oh, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[20:47] That's the –

[20:47] Oh, that's the Drake.

[20:48] That's the –

Elliott Kalan

[20:49] Every time I hear Elden Ring, and this is just my frame of reference, I think it's refrained to Elden, the character played by Robert Pastorelli on Murphy Brown, the house painter who is kind of sarcastic and maybe there's some romantic tension.

Dan McCoy

[21:01] So it would be like one of his rings, sort of like a big like Ringo Starr kind of like flashy ring.

Stuart Wellington

[21:06] Yeah, exactly.

[21:06] Because Ringo Starr was named after all the rings he had?

Elliott Kalan

[21:10] I think he might have been, yeah.

[21:12] I think maybe.

[21:12] Because he was born with a handful of rings, and that's how they knew he was the right-born drummer of the Beatles.

Dan McCoy

[21:17] Yeah, well, I think that whoever gave the other Marx Brothers their names also named Ringo.

Elliott Kalan

[21:22] That was, I believe, Art Fisher was the one who gave the Marx Brothers their names.

Stuart Wellington

[21:26] Okay, so the Elden Ring is this kind of like golden rune, okay?

[21:31] It's got like prongs and rings and various shapes that kind of make it up.

[21:34] And those various runes that make up this greater rune, the Elden Ring, those form the basis of the laws of this universe, okay?

[21:45] As designated by the greater will.

[21:48] Now, the greater will, of course, they have elected a god.

[21:53] The god queen in this case is Queen Merica the Eternal, once a shaman queen raised up to godhood, anointed by the two fingers.

[22:04] Now, Queen Merica took the-

[22:05] Wait, the what?

[22:06] Oh, I'll get there in a second.

[22:08] Okay.

[22:09] Now, Queen Merica took the Elden Ring and she manipulated-

[22:15] Now, Queen Merica is an important figure in the world of Elden Ring because she was kind of the chief deity.

[22:21] The exact-

[22:22] And she-

[22:24] But she is absent in the game.

[22:26] You see statues of her-

[22:28] Much like god in real life.

[22:30] Much like god in real life.

[22:32] Or Dan in real life.

[22:32] Or Dan in real life, yeah.

[22:34] I'm about to leave.

[22:37] Now, Queen Merica took the-

[22:40] Which does sound, I think, suspiciously a lot like somebody just saying America without the A.

[22:45] Yeah.

[22:45] Yeah, it does.

[22:46] I think that's a specific choice.

[22:48] It sounds like the way George W. Bush would say it, yeah.

[22:50] Mm-hmm.

[22:51] Queen Merica took the Elden Ring and she manipulated it, removing the rune of death so that she, her demigod offspring, and other people within the lands between would not truly die.

[23:06] And the repercussions will follow.

Elliott Kalan

[23:07] Instead, they just stay in Congress forever.

[23:09] It is like-

[23:10] Yes.

[23:10] America, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[23:11] So, as I said, Merica was anointed by the two fingers, which are represented in the world by two massive fingers.

[23:19] Okay.

[23:20] Hold on, you're moving a little too fast for me.

[23:22] It's kind of hard to see.

[23:24] This picture is sort of baffling.

[23:26] They're also, yeah, you can see dead versions of the two fingers.

[23:30] They're like two giant moving fingers.

[23:31] Yeah, they're two massive fingers.

[23:32] Yeah, duh.

[23:33] I said fingers.

[23:33] Who do they belong to?

[23:34] So, that's the thing.

[23:35] They belong to, they are a series of the greater will.

[23:38] They share the greater will with the rest of the world.

[23:42] However, they actually don't speak.

[23:44] So, that has to be interpreted by finger-reading crones and finger maidens who interpret what the fingers are saying.

[23:53] Like Batman co-creator Bill Finker?

[23:55] Yes.

[23:55] Now, unfortunately, the connection the fingers had to the greater will was severed long ago.

[24:02] So, they don't actually, what they are saying may or may not be true.

[24:07] So, even the fingers are kind of faking it until they make it.

[24:09] Yeah.

[24:10] In this universe, is finger licking good?

[24:14] There's a shocking amount of finger-related stuff that happens in this game.

[24:20] It was originally called Finger Ring.

[24:22] And they said, well, we can't name the game that.

[24:23] We can't name the game Finger Ring.

[24:24] It's called Hardcore Finger Ring.

[24:26] It's called Elden Ring.

[24:28] What do rings go on?

[24:29] That's right, fingers.

[24:30] Oh, no, you're right.

[24:31] It all connects.

[24:32] Okay, so as Queen Merica-

[24:34] Belly buttons, noses, ears.

Dan McCoy

[24:36] Penises, even.

Stuart Wellington

[24:37] Penises or scrotums, yeah.

[24:38] As Merica was raised up to godhood, she began-

[24:41] Let's hear it for rings, everybody, and their versatile body placement.

Elliott Kalan

[24:46] Good job, rings.

[24:47] You said fingers aren't enough for me.

[24:49] I got to see what else is out there.

[24:51] And you colonize the body.

Stuart Wellington

[24:53] So, as Queen Merica was raised up and began her golden order, that is her lineage of demigods-

Elliott Kalan

[25:01] And she is-

[25:02] Is she supposed to be seen as a benevolent deity or a malevolent deity?

Stuart Wellington

[25:07] Well, that's the thing.

[25:08] She's generally presented as a benevolent deity, but there are some who question how benevolent she really is.

[25:13] And when you look at her actions, as I will describe, you will see that perhaps maybe she's a little more complicated.

Elliott Kalan

[25:18] Because everything you're describing sounds bad to me.

[25:21] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[25:21] So, she began her golden order, and in order to do that, she needed to conquer the rest of the world-

[25:26] Yeah.

[25:26] To make sure that they would fall into her age of order.

[25:31] And for that-

[25:32] Again, this is what the villain usually does.

[25:34] For that, she enlisted the aid of a barbarian chieftain, Horolu, who was a battle-thirsty maniac who was able to temper his battle lust by bonding with Sarosh, a white lion creature.

[25:51] For some reason, made him less bestial and violent.

Elliott Kalan

[25:55] Because the white lion creature in the picture looks very violent, looks ready to strike.

[26:00] Yeah, sort of spectral, too.

[26:01] But for some reason, it keeps him back.

[26:04] He's got this long, thick, braided beard.

[26:06] And you know that in the heat of battle, that thing's getting filled with viscera and blood.

[26:11] And it would be so hard to clean.

[26:13] It seems disgusting.

Stuart Wellington

[26:14] I think thematically, I think it would also make sense that perhaps Sarosh was kind of a vessel for him to pour his own battle lust.

[26:24] So he was able to separate that part of his soul into this kind of semi-separate creature.

[26:30] But it's not clear.

[26:32] As in the classic comedy film, Pardon My Sarosh.

[26:37] So by bonding and becoming less of a battle monster, Horolu adopted the new name Godfrey.

[26:43] Sorry, a battle beast.

[26:44] Yep, it is a battle beast.

[26:46] And it looks like battle beast from Invincible.

[26:48] He changed his name to Godfrey.

[26:52] And he became the first consort of Queen Merica.

[26:59] And thus earned the title Elden Lord, of course.

[27:03] He's the first Elden Lord, yep.

[27:05] Okay.

[27:05] And they begat a line of demigod children.

[27:09] The first of which were twins.

[27:13] Morgoth.

[27:13] Uh-huh.

[27:14] And Moog.

[27:15] And they don't have heads.

[27:16] As you can see, they look a little bit weird.

[27:18] They do have heads, but they're like covered in horns because they bear the curse of being omens.

[27:25] Omens are people who have been born with this curse.

[27:29] They're inflicted with horns growing out of themselves.

[27:33] Amongst commoners, those horns might just be cut off.

[27:36] But amongst nobles, those children are ostracized and in this case, hidden from the public and stuck in the subterranean shunning grounds.

[27:46] When do you play the game?

[27:48] Yeah.

[27:48] We're not there yet.

[27:50] Okay.

[27:50] So that's Morgoth and Moog.

[27:52] Okay.

[27:52] They also had, not pictured, they had a third child, Godfrey, Godwin the Golden.

[28:01] Okay.

[28:02] Who I think you heard mentioned in that opening cinematic.

[28:04] And they formed a family singing group.

[28:06] Now, they began a series of crusades to pacify the lands between and force them under the heel of this golden order.

[28:15] One of the chieftains, one of the leaders of this was a fellow god, Radagon.

[28:21] Okay.

[28:21] Presented here.

[28:22] Now, this is-

[28:23] That's what you use to get your rads away.

[28:24] I use it myself.

[28:25] Get those rads.

[28:26] It works great.

[28:26] Yeah.

[28:27] I mean, I 100% think that's an item in Fallout, Radagon.

[28:31] Oh, okay.

[28:32] So, Radagon, interesting.

[28:33] This is going to be a spoiler.

[28:35] Again, a lot of this is going to be spoilers, but I feel like, again, it's not really going to affect your love of the game.

[28:41] So, Radagon was-

[28:42] Nothing could.

[28:42] How could you affect what isn't there?

[28:44] Radagon was a red-haired warrior prince.

[28:48] Okay.

[28:48] And he's set to fight and defeat a kingdom of sorcerers in Lyernia, led by a lineage and school of carrion sorcerers.

[29:01] Oh, so those are sorcerers that you don't eat at the restaurant.

[29:04] You take them away.

[29:05] The carrion sorcerers.

[29:06] Yeah.

[29:06] Exactly.

[29:07] And they fought to a standstill, and of course, they decided to broker a peace with a marriage between Radagon and Queen Renala.

[29:20] Now, interestingly, Radagon-

[29:23] Is this a mini?

[29:24] You're using that word loosely.

[29:26] Interestingly, Radagon is actually just another version of Queen Merica.

[29:33] Merica and Radagon are the same person.

[29:35] Okay.

[29:35] So, it's kind of a weird thing, but it's not unlike typical mythology of gods changing genders and who they are, et cetera.

[29:43] But nobody else knows this.

[29:45] This is a secret that Radagon and Merica are the same person.

Elliott Kalan

[29:47] Reminds me of the story when Tiresias, the blind prophet, changed gender, and when Tiresias, the male model, became a blind prophet.

Stuart Wellington

[29:56] Uh-huh.

[29:56] And was very active on Twitter.

[29:59] I remember there was a period where he was like being everybody's friend on Twitter.

Elliott Kalan

[30:02] Yeah, there was that scene in Oedipus Rex where he goes to Tyrese for help in unraveling the mystery, and Tyrese gets in touch with him on Twitter.

[30:10] He's like, dog, you don't want to understand.

[30:11] You don't want to know this, Oedipus.

[30:13] Just leave it alone.

[30:14] Yeah.

[30:14] Leave it alone, Eddie.

Stuart Wellington

[30:15] But he didn't listen.

[30:16] So by brokering peace with a marriage, they were able to bring Ranala's glintstone sorcery into the Golden Order, which is very important.

[30:26] And you're going to see – I'm going to show you an example of a glintstone sorcerer who have to wear these specialized masks.

[30:32] And I think you're going to recognize something that we're going to be talking about later when we talk about Zardoz.

[30:37] That's right.

[30:38] That's what the – they wear these helmets that kind of look like Zardoz heads.

Elliott Kalan

[30:41] Yeah, it's like a stone face with long curls and a beard.

[30:45] It does look like Zardoz.

Dan McCoy

[30:45] Kind of a sadder, cuter Zardoz though.

Elliott Kalan

[30:48] Yeah, the Zardoz mask – that's because when we're recording this episode tonight, we will be doing our Flop TV episode on Zardoz.

[30:54] We'll talk about that more later if we ever get to the ad portion of this very good regular length mini.

[31:02] But it does look like that.

[31:03] It looks like Zardoz's brother who's like, why does Zardoz have to make such a big deal out of everything?

Stuart Wellington

[31:10] Now, before we talk about the lineage that is begat by Radagon and Ranala, I think this is actually a really good –

[31:18] I thought we just did.

[31:20] I think right now is a perfect time for us to talk a little bit about our sponsors.

[31:26] So the Flop Pass today is brought to you by Factor.

[31:30] We all need to eat, folks.

[31:32] And Factor is one of the –

[31:33] I like to eat, folks.

[31:33] Oh, God.

[31:36] Let me change this.

[31:37] Yeah, Stuart's all about long pig these days.

[31:39] Yeah, yeah.

[31:39] Folks, comma, we all need to eat.

[31:42] It's true.

[31:42] Wait, folks are what we all need to eat?

[31:48] Okay.

[31:49] It's an important thing to understand that the Factor, our sponsors, in no way endorse cannibalism, which is suggested by my two co-hosts and I guess me.

[31:59] Yeah.

[32:00] So eating well is an important –

[32:02] That's the Factor promise.

[32:03] You will not find any human meat inside of their products.

[32:06] Eating well during the holidays is important.

[32:09] Food is an important part of the holidays.

[32:11] And also, it can be easy to get caught up with doing your holiday shopping and activities, and you lose track of time and it's hard to do your shopping.

[32:19] Well, Factor provides chef-prepped, dietician-approved meals that can help you stay balanced and energized throughout this complicated time.

[32:28] Unlike meal kits that require prep and cooking, Factor delivers fully prepared, ready-to-eat meals in just two minutes.

[32:34] Choose from a wider selection of weekly meal options, including premium seafood choices like salmon and shrimp, at no extra cost.

[32:42] And for the first time, try Asian-inspired meals with bold flavors influenced by China, Thailand, and more.

[32:49] Think savory Korean beef bowls or Thai-style coconut curry.

[32:53] A refreshing break from traditional holiday fare.

[32:58] So, Factor's a big deal.

[32:59] I know that Elliot's family is constantly fighting over who gets which Factor meal.

[33:05] My wife, Charlene, is very bad at finding the time to have lunch.

[33:10] And Factor provides something that I can easily give her and send her out the door with so she'll get some kind of nutrition in the middle of the day.

[33:17] So, if you want to be like us and you want to eat smart, go to factormeals.com slash flop50off and use code FLOP50OFF to get 50% off your first box plus free breakfast for one year.

[33:33] That's code FLOP50OFF at factormeals.com for 50% off your first box plus free breakfast for a year.

[33:41] This exclusive holiday offer won't last, so lock in your savings before the new year rush.

[33:46] Offer is only valid for new Factor customers with code and qualifying auto-renewing subscription purchase.

[33:52] And we are sponsored in part by Quince.

Dan McCoy

[33:56] Quince, which is not just a pear-like fruit that you usually eat in jam form.

[34:00] It's also a clothing company.

[34:03] And you know what you're going to need when it's cold outside?

[34:05] Clothes.

[34:07] It's one of the top ways to keep your body warm.

Elliott Kalan

[34:10] We were not blessed with fur the way that the animals were.

[34:13] Actually, Ellie, you're blessed with a fair amount of fur.

[34:17] I'm blessed with the closest thing you can get, which is a thick layer of Semitic hair.

[34:22] Yeah.

[34:24] Cold mornings and holiday plants.

[34:25] I also release – my glands also release a grease that also traps the heat in and keeps the cold out.

[34:31] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[34:32] Cold mornings and holiday plants.

[34:34] They both call for a wardrobe that will keep you looking sharp and keep you feeling good and keeping you warm.

[34:41] From Mongolian cashmere sweaters to Italian wool coats, quince pieces are crafted from premium materials and built to hold up without the luxury markup.

[34:51] As I said, going into the cold season, you might be into some outerwear.

[34:56] They got a lot of great stuff.

[34:57] Down jackets, wool top coats, and leather styles built to last.

[35:01] And each piece is made from premium materials by trusted factories that meet rigorous standards for craftsmanship and ethical production.

[35:10] By cutting out the middleman, which adds markups, quince delivers the same quality as luxury brands at a fraction of the price.

[35:17] I got some quince stuff.

[35:19] I have a nice charcoal sweater, cashmere sweater.

[35:23] I have a shirt, a deep navy dress shirt that I just wore to a party recently.

[35:29] These are nice pieces.

[35:31] So, get your wardrobe sorted and your gift list handled with quince.

[35:36] Don't wait.

[35:36] Go to quince.com slash flop for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

[35:43] Now available in Canada, too.

[35:45] That is quince.com slash flop.

[35:51] Free shipping and 365-day returns.

[35:54] Quince.com slash flop.

Elliott Kalan

[35:57] The Flophouse has a few things to announce of its own because the Flophouse is also brought to you by the Flophouse.

[36:02] We are recording this on Saturday, December 6th.

[36:05] So, if you're listening to this live, somehow tapping into our phone lines or internet connections, you will know that tonight we are having Flop TV.

[36:13] The first Saturday in every month through February is Flop TV, the televised one-hour video version of the Flophouse.

[36:21] Tonight we're talking about Zardoz.

[36:23] When this episode comes out, you can still watch that episode because if you buy a ticket, you get access to the recording of the show.

[36:29] And those recordings are going to stay up online through the end of February so you can watch them as many times as you want.

[36:34] This season, it's Flopsterpiece Theater.

[36:37] Season three is when we're pulling out all the stops.

[36:39] We are watching the greatest flops or the most legendary flops or the most talked-about flops of each decade.

[36:47] So, well, not necessarily of each decade, but you know what I'm talking about.

[36:49] So, for the 2000s, that was represented in September by The Adventures of Pluto Nash.

[36:54] In October, it was Jack Frost with Michael Keaton.

[36:56] In November, it was Xanadu.

[36:58] December, it's Zardoz.

[36:59] And then, get ready, in January, it's going to be Dr. Dolittle, the Rex Harrison one, the one that almost destroyed a studio.

[37:06] And then, in February, Plan 9 from Outer Space, perhaps the most famous bad movie of them all.

[37:11] Go to theflophouse.simpleticks.com to pick up tickets.

[37:15] Remember, it's the first Saturday of every month at 9 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Pacific.

[37:20] If you can't watch during that time, you can watch the recording, like I said, at your leisure whenever you want, how many times as you want, until the end of February.

[37:30] So, that's Flop TV season three.

[37:31] This season, we're becoming more and more professional.

[37:33] It's really bonkers.

[37:35] We've got a lot more videos.

[37:36] We've got a lot more presentation, presentational elements.

[37:40] I learned how to roller skate.

[37:41] Yeah, Stuart learned how to roller skate in the Xanadu episode.

[37:45] So, it's really – it's becoming more and more like a real television show, and I think you're going to enjoy it.

[37:49] That's theflophouse.simpleticks.com.

[37:51] Now, if it's not enough for you that you get to watch us on your computer or television screens, you want to see us in person.

[37:58] And you live in the Bay Area of Northern California.

[38:01] Why?

[38:02] You're in luck because following up on our successful sold-out – right?

[38:07] I think so – shows in Chicago.

[38:08] Yeah, I think so.

[38:09] We're doing another live show in January.

[38:11] We will be appearing live in person on Sunday, January 25th in the afternoon.

[38:16] So, you can still get a good bedtime afterwards at Cobb's Comedy Club once again as part of San Francisco Sketch Fest.

[38:21] We have had so much fun at Cobb's for San Francisco Sketch Fest in the past.

[38:25] We're very excited to be coming back to do another show with them.

[38:28] Dan Stewart, is it okay if I announce what movie we're going to be talking about on this episode?

[38:32] It's not only okay.

[38:33] I would encourage you to do so.

[38:35] Yeah, fuck it up.

[38:36] One of the movies we've been asked to do the most, I feel like, in my experience talking to fans.

[38:41] On Sunday, January 25th at Cobb's Comedy Club as part of San Francisco Sketch Fest, we will be talking about Master of Disguise starring Dana Carvey as the titular Master of Disguise.

[38:52] It's the one where he looks like a big turtle man in one scene.

[38:56] If you don't know the movie, you know the turtle man scene.

[38:58] There's only one scene.

[38:58] I think it's just one scene.

[39:00] I don't think it's the second half of the movie.

Dan McCoy

[39:02] I mean, if it had been the whole movie, this would be the most successful movie ever rather than a forgotten comedy.

Elliott Kalan

[39:07] You have to believe it.

[39:08] So that's Master of Disguise talked about by us on Sunday, January 25th in San Francisco live in person at Cobb's Comedy Club as part of San Francisco Sketch Fest.

[39:19] Thank you so much again, Sketch Fest, for having us.

[39:21] Go to sfsketchfest.com and then just click on the schedule and tickets link so you can get tickets for us on January 25th, Sunday at Cobb's Comedy Club in 2026.

[39:35] And I also have two personal things I'd like to mention.

[39:37] I have, of course, my book, Joke Farming.

[39:38] We have all the time in the world.

[39:39] How to Write Comedy and Other Nonsense.

[39:41] It's in bookstores now or you can buy it from a website or something.

[39:44] But I would advise you to go to your local independent bookstore and get it through them.

[39:47] It's how to write comedy, how I write it, how jokes work.

[39:50] I think I like it.

[39:51] I hope people like it too.

[39:52] Yeah.

[39:53] And also, of course, Harley Quinn from DC Comics.

[39:56] I'm still writing that every month.

[39:57] Go to your local comic book store.

[39:58] Say, make mine Harley Quinn when Ellie Kalin's writing it.

[40:01] Yeah.

S4

[40:08] If you like too many podcasts, you'll love Soundteap with John Luke Roberts.

[40:13] It's got clips from all your favourite podcasts, such as Diary of a Tiny CEO.

Elliott Kalan

[40:17] Leonard Sprague, tell me how you make your money.

[40:19] I go to the beach and I steal people's towels.

[40:23] Remember Armour.

S4

[40:24] I remember the trend of everyone whacking themselves on the head with hammers and mallets when they wanted to lose weight.

[40:30] And Elty John's Lobbly Songs.

Dan McCoy

[40:32] I'm here today with Kiki D.

[40:34] Hello, Kiki D.

[40:36] Hello, Elton.

S4

[40:37] There's dozens of episodes to catch up on and brand new episodes going out right now.

[40:42] So if you want far, far, far too many podcasts, then look for Soundteap on Maximum Fun.

[40:49] Boop, boop.

Elliott Kalan

[40:51] Guys, should we go back to the fascinating, some would say almost too interesting world of Elden Ring?

Stuart Wellington

[40:57] Let's travel through the fog and return to the lands between gentlemen.

[41:02] So as I was talking, we are about to...

[41:04] Lands between gentlemen.

[41:05] We are about to get to the lineage.

[41:08] And these are some important figures.

[41:10] This is the lineage of Radagon and Ranala.

[41:14] Of course, their eldest child is Praetor Rikard, presented here.

[41:18] Of course.

[41:18] A warrior, a lawmaker, an important individual.

[41:26] Their second child, even more important.

[41:30] Star Scourge Radon.

[41:32] A warrior without peer.

[41:34] The scourge of the stars.

[41:36] In fact, he is.

[41:37] He has gravitational powers so vast that the stars stop spinning.

[41:42] The heavens...

[41:42] Wow.

[41:43] He holds the heavens in check out of fear.

Dan McCoy

[41:47] Now, wouldn't that really, like, fuck up everything else around if he could have that kind of gravitational power?

[41:52] Kind of does.

Stuart Wellington

[41:53] Yeah, but, yeah, so that's...

[41:56] It's a magic fantasy world.

[41:57] Who knows?

[41:58] Yeah, again, it's a myth.

[41:59] Consider this all a myth.

[42:02] So that's Star Scourge Radon.

[42:03] And their youngest child...

[42:04] I'll consider it less than a myth.

Elliott Kalan

[42:05] I'll consider it the backstory for a video game.

Stuart Wellington

[42:07] And their youngest child, of course.

[42:08] It's really hard to think that Madeline Tom would show up.

[42:10] Lunar Princess Ronnie pictured here.

[42:13] Look at that hat.

Elliott Kalan

[42:14] A mysterious figure with a really cool hat.

[42:17] That is so...

[42:18] That is...

[42:18] It's like an urban sombrero that's so big, it's a megalopolis sombrero.

[42:22] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[42:22] That's like three Pharrell hats.

Elliott Kalan

[42:26] Okay, so...

[42:26] That's the standard unit of hat measurement.

Stuart Wellington

[42:28] Yeah.

[42:29] So meanwhile, you know, it's not all just having kids.

[42:32] America is continuing her crusades against the other peoples in the lands between and beyond.

[42:38] So how far into the game are we?

[42:39] We haven't even started yet.

[42:41] Okay.

[42:41] So, of course, she...

[42:43] Interestingly, some of the worst actions in these wars happened in her home.

[42:50] Wait.

[42:50] Oh.

[42:52] The Shadow Realm, the lands that she comes from, under the Skadu Tree, which I think means shadow tree.

[42:58] I'm not sure.

[43:00] I don't know.

[43:00] The Skadu Tree, which is like a dark mirror of the Aird Tree.

Elliott Kalan

[43:03] It sounds like a ragtime novelty hit under the Skadu Tree.

[43:07] And she...

[43:08] I kissed you and what did we see?

[43:11] Sitting under the Skadu Tree.

[43:12] That kind of stuff, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[43:13] So these crusades seem to be to both hide the origins and how she attained her godhood, but also to subjugate the horn-sent people.

[43:22] And to do that, she enlisted the aid of her son.

[43:25] That's right, Mesmer.

[43:27] Mesmer and his abyssal servant.

[43:29] So it's the habit of saying, that's right.

[43:32] We all know.

[43:33] We all know.

[43:34] There he is.

[43:34] Mesmer.

[43:36] And like all of her children, he bears a curse.

[43:41] One of his eyes doesn't work or something, and he's bound to an abyssal serpent.

Elliott Kalan

[43:44] Now, in this picture, is he standing on a table that the drippy candles are on?

Stuart Wellington

[43:48] Or is he...

[43:48] Yes.

[43:48] They put drippy candles on the floor.

[43:49] It's a table.

[43:50] No, that's on the table.

[43:51] But there's probably drippy candles on the floor, too.

[43:53] This picture is taken inside of Mesmer's at like the upper story.

[43:57] Photograph.

[43:58] This photograph was taken at the upper story of his menagerie.

[44:04] He has this kind of amazing menagerie in his fortress in the shadow realm.

[44:08] Okay.

[44:09] So let's...

[44:10] Let's go.

Stuart Wellington

[44:11] And in addition, during these crusades also, Merica sent Godfrey and his armies, her consort, her Elden Lord, to a faraway land.

[44:20] And in doing so, she did to them what she did to many of her enemies.

[44:24] She stripped them of grace so they no longer had the glow of the greater will.

[44:30] Why'd she do that?

[44:31] With the promise...

[44:31] Well, that's a good question, Elliot.

[44:33] With the promise that upon dying for her in this conflict, they would return and their grace would be returned.

[44:41] Oh, so it's a motivator.

[44:42] Motivator.

[44:43] Yeah, exactly.

[44:44] But in doing so...

Elliott Kalan

[44:44] It's her version of that we get a pizza party on Friday if we hit these sales figures.

[44:47] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[44:48] And these figures, this army, including her former consort, Godfrey, became the first of the tarnished people.

[44:57] People that were stripped of grace.

Dan McCoy

[45:00] This is sort of like ASMR for me because I just...

[45:03] I mean, in that there's sort of noises that...

[45:06] That's actually in this podcast...

[45:07] It is ASMR.

[45:08] I mean, that's what this podcast does for a lot of people.

Stuart Wellington

[45:10] It is a silly mythic retelling.

[45:12] ASMR.

[45:12] So this, of course, left Merica without an Elden Lord, without a consort.

[45:17] So, of course, she had to marry Radagon herself.

[45:21] Radagon had to absolve his marriage to Ranala, which she was not happy about.

[45:27] Of course not.

[45:27] And then Merica married Radagon and they had another line of children.

[45:32] In this case, the twins.

[45:33] Tell us about all of them.

[45:36] Melania, a swordswoman without peer.

[45:39] However, she is cursed with a scarlet rock.

[45:43] Melania?

[45:43] Yeah, kind of.

Dan McCoy

[45:44] That sword is too long.

[45:46] I'm just going to say it.

[45:47] We're all thinking it.

[45:48] I'm just going to say it.

Stuart Wellington

[45:49] That's how I feel when I fucking fight her.

[45:51] It's less of a sword than a fishing pole.

[45:53] Yeah.

[45:54] And her twin, Micola, the kindly one.

[45:59] Micola, whose curse is to always remain a child.

[46:03] I'm more familiar with Micola light.

[46:05] Yeah.

[46:07] She seems to be radiating some kind of light.

[46:09] Yeah.

[46:09] Micola is a he in this case.

[46:11] Okay.

[46:11] Although, you know, it's questionable.

[46:14] Micola is a child with golden hair and has the – whereas his twin, Melania, is a swordswoman without peer.

[46:24] Micola has the ability to make all those fear him to love him.

[46:26] Micola is also a swordsman without peer.

[46:30] And his ability to make people love him makes him, in some ways, the most terrifying of all.

[46:36] Okay.

[46:36] So, that is the twins.

Elliott Kalan

[46:39] Now –

[46:39] I feel like that is a – it is an indictment of the kind of person you expect to spend 200 hours playing a video game that they're like, what's the most dangerous thing of all?

[46:48] Love.

[46:49] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[46:50] Well, forced love.

[46:51] Note for the listeners at home, Ellie's disgusted love.

[46:55] Cackled creepily before.

Stuart Wellington

[46:57] Yeah, I didn't like that.

[46:58] And when he suggested 200 hours playing a video game.

[47:01] Too much.

[47:01] Okay.

[47:02] So, the stage is now set.

[47:05] Another two-big sword.

[47:06] At some undesignated time, Lunar Princess Ronnie stole shards of the Rune of Death, handed them out to her assassins, and they used that to kill Godwin the Golden.

[47:19] Oh, no.

[47:20] One of the children of –

[47:21] One of the children of –

[47:23] Doom.

[47:23] America.

[47:24] Okay.

[47:25] America then –

[47:27] When realizing that all of her efforts to prevent death from infecting her children had come to naught, she – out of anger, she shattered the Elden Ring.

[47:37] Oh.

[47:38] Oh, no, no.

[47:39] And disappeared.

[47:40] And the Elden Ring now shattered.

[47:42] Her offspring then fought over the shards to grab pieces of it so that they themselves could have a little bit of divinity.

[47:50] Yeah.

[47:50] A little bit of that power.

[47:52] Sure.

[47:52] And that led to a great war known as the Shattering, where demigod and sibling fought each other with their various armies, tearing the land to pieces.

[48:02] Pictured here, we see Melania, the Blade of Mycola, battling Star Scourge Radon in the swamps of Aeonia.

[48:13] And it is after, in the aftermath of this great war, that we enter the game as a tarnished champion.

[48:21] Finally.

[48:22] A champion, a tarnished of no renown and no background.

[48:27] Okay.

[48:28] Will this tarnished become Elden Lord?

[48:30] We shall see.

[48:31] If you win the game.

[48:33] The world that you enter is a difficult one.

[48:37] Lands like Limgrave.

[48:39] Are we – we're not done?

[48:42] Limgrave, where you begin the game, is your more traditional –

[48:46] Yeah.

[48:50] Is your more traditional fantasy setting.

[48:53] And Stormvale Castle is your first major obstacle.

[48:56] In Stormvale, you have to defeat the least of America's descendants.

[49:03] The one – the least powerful, the smallest, of course, Godric the Grafted.

[49:08] A weak man who sought power by grafting limbs and body parts from other people to make him more powerful.

Elliott Kalan

[49:15] Well, he can carry that big axe.

[49:16] That's – it made him stronger for that.

Stuart Wellington

[49:18] Further on, we have Kaled, which bears the scars of Melania and Radon's battles.

[49:26] Scarred by the scarlet rot residing within Melania that has poisoned the land and the people that live there, including Starscourge Radon, who has been so horribly infected by the scarlet rot that he now rides around on his – it looks like dead horse that he continues supporting.

[49:47] It's this tiny horse that looks dead.

[49:48] It looks like a regular man riding a chihuahua.

[49:51] Well, that he, like, animates and keeps supported through his gravity powers.

[49:56] Oh.

[49:57] And he wanders the battlefields, devouring the corpses of foe and trying to –

Dan McCoy

[50:02] Now, before he had to support this horse through his gravity powers, was it still that small?

[50:07] I can only – okay.

Elliott Kalan

[50:09] It's a pretty cool horse.

[50:11] I mean, that horse was praying for death because he had to carry this enormous guy on his back.

[50:15] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[50:15] And side note, this is one of the great boss fights in the game is fighting Starscourge Radon.

[50:21] Of course, further on in Mount Gelmir, where Praetor Reichard fought the capital, it is now a corruption of his lofty ideals and is now, you know, is filled with funeral pyres and judgment poles and things like that.

[50:38] Reichard himself –

[50:39] Kelly Reichard.

[50:40] Kelly Reichard himself.

Elliott Kalan

[50:41] He's busy directing First Cow, not part of the game.

Stuart Wellington

[50:44] He vowed himself to be devoured by the god-devouring serpent, thus becoming one with that serpent in an attempt to devour all the other gods and become the greatest of all.

[50:55] Pictured here, you can see he's like a weird snake man with a weird snake face.

[50:59] Yeah, it's like in the later Dune books, you know.

[51:01] Yes, a lot like the later Dune books.

[51:03] Now, Praetor Reichard refers to himself as the lord of blasphemy.

[51:08] Further on in Leyendel, the capital, it bears the scars of multiple sieges.

[51:12] He throws really big parties, would call himself, in a moment of grandeur.

[51:16] I mean, certainly sounds like a fucking cool X-Men villain.

[51:20] Leyendel, the capital, is in ruins, although there seems to be some kind of hidden force controlling everything.

[51:28] A veiled monarch, if you will.

[51:30] And stolen from his hyaline tree, Mikola's cocoon is now missing.

[51:36] Absconded by whom?

[51:38] But is that just his physical self?

[51:40] Because Mikola's spirit travels the shadow realm seeking some form of godhood.

[51:45] Go on.

[51:46] This is a cocoon because it looks like a big risotto ball.

[51:48] It does.

[51:49] It's a cocoon.

[51:50] And you can see Mikola's twisted little arm kind of sticking out of that.

[51:54] And the throne that looks like a human pelvis.

[51:56] It does look like a human pelvis.

[51:58] I mean, it makes sense.

[52:00] It makes sense in the game.

Elliott Kalan

[52:03] If ever you wanted to see a giant risotto ball on a human pelvis in a kind of space Acropolis,

[52:09] this is the game.

[52:10] With a branch-looking arm sticking out of it.

[52:12] Sticking out, going with its fist raised like, yeah.

[52:15] Way to go.

Stuart Wellington

[52:15] Having listed the foes that you are to fight, these demigods who bear the shards of the Elden Ring that you need to attain if you want to approach the air tree and declare yourself Elden Lord.

[52:27] You have allies.

[52:28] Oh, good.

[52:29] A mysterious woman, a mysterious maiden named Melina approaches you with designs of her own.

Elliott Kalan

[52:35] So she's asking the question.

[52:36] I see this up to us.

[52:37] Have you heard of the Finger Maidens?

[52:38] Which that seems like a website that...

[52:41] Yeah, I've heard of the Finger Maidens.

Stuart Wellington

[52:43] Because you, a lowly tarnished of no renown, begin the game Maidenless.

[52:48] Oh.

[52:48] So you, she offers to serve the role of Finger Maiden as a tarnished champion is often accompanied by a Finger Maiden to guide them on their quest of grace.

Dan McCoy

[53:00] It sounds like someone who remembers that the Handmaiden was based on Fingersmith and just like makes it all up.

Stuart Wellington

[53:07] And in addition, there's a, there's a grouping of other tarnished champions who reside or meet in a place called the Round Table Hold.

[53:18] That's an original idea.

[53:20] A council of champions.

[53:21] A round table with like knights around it?

[53:23] Uh-huh.

[53:23] Who would have thought of such a thing?

[53:25] And this is a, this is a place where the, of course, the other tarnished, they, they have a vow of peace where they will not fight each other.

[53:34] And they're, all of them serve as either allies or inevitably in some form of, yeah, in some form of enemies.

[53:42] Most, there's betrayals and other exciting things.

[53:46] All of this is, all this leads into your quest to become the Elden Lord.

[53:50] And depending on how, how you kind of deal with the various allies in your world, it will determine kind of what age, what, what runes you're going to use and what age you usher in upon ascending the throne.

[54:04] Will it be an age of order or an age of dung eaterness?

[54:07] Who knows?

[54:09] It's very exciting stuff.

[54:10] Now what would that entail, Stuart, an age of dung eaterness?

[54:12] Well, the dung eater is just trying to corrupt the entire world.

[54:15] So it's an age of corruption.

[54:16] So he ushers in an age where all children are born as horrible, twisted omens with horns growing everywhere.

[54:24] And all children eat dung.

[54:25] In a way.

[54:26] I mean, they kind of do.

[54:28] The dung eater is an interesting figure because he is easily the worst villain in the game.

[54:33] And you're like, is it just because he eats poop?

[54:34] Well, it's part of the idea is that in some Japanese mythology, the soul resides within the anus.

[54:40] So what he's doing is he's literally corrupting the souls of his victims.

Elliott Kalan

[54:45] If I was a soul, that's certainly where I'd hang out.

[54:48] That certainly seems like a prime position in the human body.

Dan McCoy

[54:50] Well, it's a safe place to hide because no one's looking in there.

Elliott Kalan

[54:53] Yeah, it's in the sub-basement, basically.

[54:55] Yeah.

[54:56] So guys, we have reached.

[54:57] It's like when they're in the Death Star in Star Wars and they go to the trash compactor room.

[55:00] Exactly.

Stuart Wellington

[55:01] So now that we've reached the end of Stuart's lore wrap-up of Elden Ring, how do you guys feel?

[55:07] Are you guys excited about a movie adaptation?

[55:10] Does it make sense for an easy movie adaptation?

Elliott Kalan

[55:13] I completely forgot that we were talking about a movie adaptation.

Dan McCoy

[55:17] I mean, it might be the only way that I retain any of the stuff that was just told to me.

[55:23] Yeah, you know, like my lifelong learning has continued today, Stuart, with you presenting the seminar on a thing that I don't need to know about.

[55:32] I've already forgotten.

[55:34] I mean, but what do you need to know about, really?

Stuart Wellington

[55:36] Well, there's certain things.

[55:38] And I'll say that putting together this little lore wrap-up in PowerPoint made me want to play the game again.

Elliott Kalan

[55:45] Another $200.

[55:47] I'm curious about the movie.

[55:49] Alex Garland is an interesting choice for something like this.

[55:52] It makes me wonder what the style or the focus will be of it.

[55:55] But it really does run the risk of doing what happens to a lot of fantasy stuff when it becomes adapted into films, which is that whatever is special about it that the fans like gets drained.

[56:08] It reminds me of that Dark Tower movie that we watched years ago for The Files, where I was like, now I want to read the Dark Tower books because I've got to see what's in them that this movie didn't have.

[56:17] What kind of spark of inspiration or excitement or whatever, you know?

Dan McCoy

[56:22] I mean, Stuart, I like Alex Garland more consistently than you.

[56:27] But I think if there is someone who maybe will keep the weirdness in and will make it a priority to keep the weirdness in, it seems like it would be him, perhaps.

Stuart Wellington

[56:40] Yeah.

[56:40] I mean, certainly Annihilation while not a direct adaptation.

[56:45] Yeah, it's still very weird.

[56:47] And Men has, let's say, some weirdness to it.

[56:51] It is.

Elliott Kalan

[56:51] And I think there's a – my worry would be that it might lose a certain legibility.

[56:58] I think one of the things that is so successful about, like, for instance, the Lord of the Rings movies, and the Lord of the Rings story is not as outwardly weird or bonkers in some ways, is how – what an amazing job Peter Jackson does of keeping the audience focused on who are the heroes and what is their story.

[57:16] And all the world building.

[57:22] And I think it's a lot of – what a movie is, like, what a movie is, like, what a movie of this will feel like a two-and-a-half-hour version of the presentation you just gave to us, Stuart, where it's a lot of names and a lot of references to things.

[57:40] But there's not a lot of blood there, let's say.

Dan McCoy

[57:42] And this also suggests, like, a common video game problem to me where, like, this is not true of all modern video games.

[57:50] Like, there are some that, like, I think make the main character more of a distinct character.

[57:55] But, like, a lot of them –

[57:57] Toe Jane and Earl.

[57:57] Like, the main character is, to some degree, a void for you to project yourself onto, and that's a problem then if you're making a movie where you need a compelling center.

[58:07] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[58:08] Well, usually they just pick, like, a young apprentice or something or someone who doesn't fit in with the others and has to prove themselves.

[58:14] I mean, they just – they go with one of those, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[58:16] It's interesting because, like, the central character is kind of a void.

[58:20] You make some – you obviously make some choices in it, but it's not like you're having conversations.

[58:25] You never hear the voice of your character.

[58:28] You're never choosing conversation options.

[58:31] And you're – so it is, like, a thing where it's, like – it feels – I use the term myth, and obviously I'm not saying it has the same level of complexity of something like a – of, like, Greek mythology or something.

[58:44] But the idea is that the story kind of, like, works more in that vein, which I don't know if it necessarily will work as a movie with, like, real stuff.

[58:57] Because it is, like – it's not like – it doesn't feel like you're walking around a world that is, like, populated with, like, villages and people and stuff.

[59:06] Like, people have to live.

[59:07] Yeah.

[59:08] It's rather this feeling of, like, this is this hero's quest traveling through a ravaged world.

[59:15] And you're not worrying necessarily so much about the, like, nuts and bolts of, like, the how of it.

[59:19] What's the economy of this place?

[59:20] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[59:21] I mean, there's – and I feel like it works best when you're –

[59:23] Is the Trade Federation angry about the taxation of outlying roots?

Stuart Wellington

[59:26] But, like, I think it works best when you're dealing with these, like, big ideas and, like, big, like, passions and personalities rather than, like, the nitty-gritty of the realness of the world, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[59:40] Yes, I agree.

[59:41] I think that – I think there's a – there can be a mistaken apprehension that a world is all you need for a story, you know?

[59:50] And certainly I've had projects where they're always, like, world building.

[59:53] We've got to do the world building.

[59:54] What's the world we're building?

[59:55] And it's like you don't really – to be honest, you don't need to build that much of the world so much as you need to build the characters.

[1:00:01] And then you've got to show what elements of the world are important to their story rather than spending a lot of time explaining junk, you know?

[1:00:08] And it's the – it feels like the – a lot of times video games, when they're adapted, they're adapted the same way you try to adapt a book when really you want to do it the same way that they adapted, like, Pirates of the Caribbean into a movie where they're like, what's – we've got to come up with a story that fits into this world of pirates.

[1:00:24] Pirates.

[1:00:25] And they were like – and the smartest thing they did with that was the two things of, as much as Johnny Depp is a problematic figure, that they were like, let's let Johnny Depp's character be a funny figure, like a charismatic funny figure rather than a kind of bland hero and not necessarily make him the center of it.

[1:00:40] But also, let's add, like, skeletons and ghosts into it, which is not part of the original Pirates of the Caribbean ride.

[1:00:45] And so it's a – I wonder – maybe Alex Garland is the type of person where they can be like, okay, well, here's the world of Elden Ring.

[1:00:51] Now what am I going to introduce in it that is an interesting story or that makes use of that world to connect with an audience somewhere?

[1:00:58] As opposed to, like – I feel like there's a – like there was that World of Warcraft movie from years ago where it was like –

[1:01:06] Do we – we did that.

[1:01:08] No, no.

[1:01:09] We talked about it.

[1:01:10] We talked about it a lot.

[1:01:11] We never did it.

[1:01:12] But where it was like – what I've seen of it, it's like, oh, okay.

[1:01:14] Like there's just not – there's just not really interesting stuff going on.

[1:01:18] But, you know – or like the – what they did – the opposite of what they did with the Minecraft movie where there's a version of the Minecraft movie that is a serious movie about the Minecraft world.

[1:01:28] And I think they understood.

[1:01:30] They're like, there's no – there's no story here.

[1:01:31] Like there's not – there's nothing going on here.

[1:01:33] Let's just do like a goofy, crazy thing.

[1:01:35] And I remember I talked to somebody I worked with and they were like, ugh, they just had Jack Black do whatever he wanted and be silly.

[1:01:41] And I was like, yeah, that was the exact right move because there's nothing there otherwise.

[1:01:45] You know, it's – bring these people in and don't take it seriously.

[1:01:47] So maybe the Elden Ring movie will be really funny.

[1:01:49] I don't know.

[1:01:49] Maybe they just won't take – it'll be like a holy grail type thing, you know?

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:52] And now that Dan was just showing off his new fancy mouse, I think he's ready to play some fucking Elden Ring here.

[1:01:59] Let's fire it up, Dan.

[1:02:00] Let's download that.

[1:02:02] Don't forget to also buy the DLC.

[1:02:04] There goes the rest of the day before Flop TV.

[1:02:07] What's a DLC?

[1:02:08] Today?

[1:02:08] It's going to be at least eight days.

[1:02:12] So this has been a Flop House Mini.

[1:02:14] Thank you so much for listening to me spout nonsense that I spent way too much time both playing and researching.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:21] God bless you, sir.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:22] Yeah.

[1:02:22] But this has been really fun.

[1:02:24] I like getting to share silly stuff that I think is cool with my friends.

[1:02:28] We are part of the Maximum Fun Podcast Network, and there's a lot of other silly fun shows on there.

[1:02:33] So you can check them out and support them.

[1:02:35] This show has been lovingly edited and listened to multiple times, I'm sure, by Alex Smith, our producer, who is known as Howell Dottie on the internet.

[1:02:45] He makes music.

[1:02:46] He does all kinds of great stuff.

[1:02:48] Hangs out with a possum.

[1:02:49] Hangs out with a possum.

[1:02:50] He is an avid twitcher.

[1:02:52] I think that's the term.

[1:02:54] So you should go check out.

[1:02:55] He's an avid witcher.

[1:02:56] Oh, he witches.

[1:02:58] He does not have the ponytail for that, sir.

[1:03:02] So for the Flophouse, I have been Stuart Wellington.

[1:03:05] I've been Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:07] I've been Elliot Kalin, and I can't wait to have the 200 hours to play Elden Ring.

[1:03:12] Uh-huh.

[1:03:12] You should.

[1:03:13] Bye.

[1:03:19] Maximum Fun.

S4

[1:03:21] A worker-owned network.

[1:03:22] Of artist-owned shows.

[1:03:24] Supported.

[1:03:25] Directly.

[1:03:25] By you.

[1:03:26] By you.

FH Mini 142 - Respect Your Eldens

Transcript

In this episode

Description