FH Mini 92 - Auntie War

Elliott Kalan

[0:00] Hello, everybody. Welcome to another Flophouse Mini. That's a shorter, sometimes, episode of the Flophouse Podcast.

[0:12] Now, normally on this podcast, we watch a bad movie, we talk about it. On the minis, we like to do whatever we think of, whatever we want.

[0:21] And often, that has to do with when the episode is coming out, as this one does.

[0:25] First, though, I want to introduce myself. My name is Elliot Kalin, and I'll be your Master of Carimonies for today.

[0:32] That's how you would say it if you're pronouncing it wrong.

[0:34] Guys, I've been watching this Netflix show about prehistoric earth that Morgan Freeman is the narrator of, and he keeps saying kephalopod instead of cephalopod.

[0:42] And I'm like, maybe I've been saying it wrong all this time. It's from a Greek root, I assume.

[0:46] It carries so much authority, you know.

[0:48] And every time he says it, my wife and I look to each other and go, kephalopod?

[0:52] So, guys, who are your names? Who am I talking to about kephalopods?

Dan McCoy

[0:55] Who are your names? My name is Dan McCoy.

[0:59] And my name is Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02] Dan and Stuart, thank you for joining me for today's mini, and thank you to the audience for joining me.

[1:06] Oh, and Nova, thank you.

[1:08] Oh, thank you.

[1:08] Thank you.

[1:09] Thank you.

[1:10] Thank you.

[1:10] Oh, thank you.

[1:12] So, guys, this episode, if I did my math correct, is being released on Veterans Day weekend.

[1:19] And I don't know if you know, Veterans Day was originally Armistice Day, which celebrated the end of World War I.

[1:24] And I think it speaks volumes about some of the issues in American society.

[1:28] That a holiday celebrating the end of fighting was turned into a holiday honoring the act of having fought, the concept of fighting.

[1:35] This was originally an anti-war holiday.

[1:38] And I think all three of us are generally against wars.

[1:42] But how do we feel about it?

Stuart Wellington

[1:42] Unless it's set in the grim darkness of the far future.

[1:46] Sure, of course.

[1:48] But even though we may be—

[1:49] Unless there, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:50] Or there, yeah.

[1:50] I mean, not the far future or the far past.

Elliott Kalan

[1:53] A star war.

[1:54] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:54] And Dan's a big fan of bride wars.

Elliott Kalan

[1:57] Yeah.

[1:57] That's possible.

[1:58] Yeah, that's—yeah, you're right.

[1:59] There's a lot of wars out there that you guys like.

[2:01] Cola wars and so forth.

[2:02] Storage wars.

[2:03] Yeah, storage wars and what have you.

[2:05] But this was an anti-war holiday.

[2:08] And I know how you feel about wars now.

[2:10] But how do you feel about antis?

[2:12] That's right.

[2:12] Today's game is called Anti-War, War of the Antis, because ants are a special kind of family member.

[2:18] They're like your mom, only not.

[2:20] They're like a weird mom.

Stuart Wellington

[2:22] Oh, you're talking about the aunts.

[2:24] Because I thought you were talking about the little insects.

[2:26] No, no.

[2:26] We're not talking about the little insects.

[2:27] We're talking about—

[2:28] Both.

Elliott Kalan

[2:29] Aunts.

[2:30] Pronunciations are perfectly—

[2:31] I mean, where I come from, we say ants, but that's okay.

[2:35] Let me just put up my background.

[2:36] Oh, no.

[2:36] That's the insect.

[2:37] I'm so sorry, guys.

[2:38] If the listeners at home, you can't see.

[2:40] So, guys, do either of you have aunts or aunts?

[2:43] What's your experience with aunts?

Dan McCoy

[2:46] Yeah.

[2:47] I have my aunt Arlene on my father's side.

[2:53] Oh, from the Garfield comics.

[2:53] And Arlene!

[2:55] I saw her a lot more when I was younger.

[3:00] Hadn't seen her in a while, but I did see her recently at my brother Robert's wedding.

[3:05] Congratulations to my brother Robert.

Elliott Kalan

[3:07] Yeah, yeah.

[3:07] He sealed the deal.

[3:09] It sounds like your Aunt Arlene is really a minor player in that story.

Dan McCoy

[3:12] I don't think my—I think my mom just had brothers.

[3:17] I don't recall ever having an aunt in the other—

[3:21] Oh, the male version of an aunt, which is called an uncle.

Stuart Wellington

[3:23] Yeah, sometimes you can have an aunt by marriage.

Dan McCoy

[3:26] Very true.

[3:27] Oh, yeah.

[3:27] No, I have a lot of titas, as aunts are called in the Philippines, on Audrey's side, certainly.

Elliott Kalan

[3:37] I think Stuart was also pointing out that your mother's brothers might have gotten married,

[3:41] and those would also—their spouses.

Dan McCoy

[3:42] Mother's brothers might have—yeah, that's true.

[3:44] I did have—here's the thing.

Elliott Kalan

[3:47] So this has been a real learning experience for Dan.

[3:48] We really expanded the definition of aunt for him.

[3:50] What a fucking journey.

[3:51] Yeah.

[3:52] I didn't think this was going to be such a quest of self-discovery.

Dan McCoy

[3:56] You know, for whatever reason, I didn't really sort of see my mother's family as much growing up.

[4:04] So when you watched the show Mama's Family, you were like,

[4:07] this is like a vision of a strange alternate world.

[4:10] Yeah.

[4:11] Mama's families?

[4:13] Yeah.

[4:13] But like I—the—certainly any maternal aunts I may have had were minor players in my life.

[4:22] That's all I'm saying.

Elliott Kalan

[4:22] Okay.

[4:23] Well, that's more about Dan's family than I thought we'd go into.

[4:25] But Stuart, what about you?

[4:26] Well, you guys kind of extended it.

[4:28] Do you have any experience with aunts?

Stuart Wellington

[4:31] Oh, yeah.

[4:32] My mother's brother married a woman, and though he has passed on, she is still somewhat in my life.

[4:40] Although she is like a weird Trump supporter and like an anti-vaxxer.

[4:44] So she's not that big in my life.

[4:45] And then my father's sister, my Aunt Sherry.

[4:48] Shout out to Aunt Sherry!

[4:51] Is alive and well in a little place called Cincinnati, Ohio.

[4:56] Or Cincinnati, if you're—

[4:58] Nasty.

[4:59] Nasty.

[5:00] Nasty.

[5:00] If you're Miss Jackson.

[5:02] Yeah.

[5:04] That's what I meant.

Elliott Kalan

[5:05] Or Cincinnati.

[5:06] Because there's an aunt that lives there.

[5:08] I myself have—

Dan McCoy

[5:09] All I know is it's hot in Cleveland, which is very big among aunts, I think, as a thing.

[5:15] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[5:16] And I myself have three aunts, or aunts, as I would say, being from New Jersey.

[5:20] An aunt by blood, my Aunt Wendy.

[5:22] And two aunts by marriage, my Aunt Carol and my Aunt Judy.

[5:25] So—but aunts, it's a different kind of relationship.

[5:28] Like I said, they're like your moms, but not exactly.

[5:30] They're a little sometimes kookier, and they're a little sometimes eviler.

[5:34] So in a flagrant theft of Stuart's horror monster episodes that we had recently, his minis, I'm going to have us look at some of the greatest aunts in cinema and rate how they do in several categories of stereotypical auntness.

[5:46] Now, those categories are category one, wickedness.

[5:49] Some aunts are wicked.

[5:51] Category two, coolness.

[5:52] We all know about the cool aunt, you know, who's like cooler than your mom.

[5:56] And category three, wackiness slash kookiness, because that's a thing that aunts have as well.

[6:01] And also, we're going to have a lucky dip category.

[6:04] I am flagrantly ripping off Stuart's structure.

[6:05] I love it.

[6:06] I love it.

Stuart Wellington

[6:06] Now, I have a real question now.

[6:08] I think it's already been covered by the other categories.

[6:10] But when you say wicked, you're meaning the general definition of the term and not the, say, Boston definition of the term.

Elliott Kalan

[6:15] No, exactly.

[6:16] So a Boston aunt might be wicked and meaning like cool.

[6:19] But I mean—but that's a different category.

[6:21] This is wicked as in like, you know, the musical wicked.

Dan McCoy

[6:24] A stepmother, which is the family member that I associate with being stereotypically wicked,

[6:32] even though I know that there's a weird anti-adoption stance.

[6:36] Very much so.

[6:37] There are many stepmothers who are not wicked.

[6:38] I have a stepmother who's not wicked.

Elliott Kalan

[6:40] I've never found her to be wicked.

[6:41] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[6:42] Yeah.

[6:43] Except in the Boston sense.

[6:44] I didn't know that aunts or aunts, as I actually also grew up saying, and for some reason have switched over the years just because people make fun of me.

[6:54] I don't know that they have been known to be particularly wicked.

Elliott Kalan

[6:57] Well, I think you might be surprised by some of the aunts that we talk about in this episode then.

[7:03] They are sometimes wicked, sometimes not.

[7:05] Now, I should mention there are a lot of horror exploitation movies about aunts that like become obsessed with their nephews.

[7:13] I don't think we're really going to be talking about too much of that.

[7:15] That's not—

[7:16] I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[7:17] It sounds intriguing.

[7:18] That's not what we need to dive into at this moment.

[7:21] Maybe a website you could point me towards?

Stuart Wellington

[7:23] Yeah, maybe a website that collects, I don't know, short films.

[7:27] Uh-huh.

Dan McCoy

[7:28] Amateur short films or independent short films?

[7:30] Just like instructional films about like if you're stuck in a washing machine, what to do.

Stuart Wellington

[7:35] That sounds more like a professional production right there.

Elliott Kalan

[7:38] Yeah, this is a road I was hoping not to go down.

[7:42] Goodbye, yellow brick road.

[7:44] Turn away from it.

[7:45] Don't want to go down that one.

[7:46] The yellow brick road to Stucktown.

[7:47] Sure.

[7:48] Sure.

[7:48] So, we'll talk about number one.

[7:50] My first one, let's go to the film James and the Giant Peach where we find Ant Sponge and Ant Spiker played by Miriam Margolis and, of course, the legendary Joanna Lumley.

[8:01] And they're referred to—do you need a description of these ants?

[8:03] I should ask that.

[8:04] Let me know if you need a description of these ants or if you're familiar with these ants.

[8:07] I am familiar with these ants.

[8:08] And again, there is also an ant—

[8:10] There's also an insect ant in James and the Giant Peach that is not the one I'm talking about.

Stuart Wellington

[8:14] I just saw an interview with Miriam Margolis where she was on what, like Graham Norton or something.

[8:20] She talks about the time, first time she met Laurence Olivier and how she creamed her knickers.

[8:25] And it left everyone, yeah.

[8:29] It wasn't a dry eye in the house.

Dan McCoy

[8:32] Or knickers, I guess.

[8:33] Yeah.

[8:33] Thank you for that side trip.

[8:37] I think that for the purposes of the—

Elliott Kalan

[8:38] This could have been the most family-friendly episode of The Flophouse, and you guys have consistently taken us into—

Dan McCoy

[8:42] It's arguably about family.

[8:44] For the listeners, Elliot, I think you should describe the ants anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[8:48] Yes, so Ant Sponge and Ant Spiker, as the names probably tell you, and they're ants in a royal doll story.

[8:54] So that tells you more.

[8:55] They're referred to on Wikipedia as sadistic and domineering.

[8:58] They do not take—they are taking care of their nephew, the titular James, and they come into possession of the titular giant peach.

[9:05] They don't treat James well, and they see the giant peach only as a way to make money and not as a home for several giant bugs, including a talking ant, voiced by, what, Richard Dreyfuss, I think, in the movie?

[9:15] Yeah.

[9:15] And so eventually they end up attacking their nephew James with axes later in the film.

[9:20] So, guys, how would you rate them in these categories?

[9:23] Sponge and Spiker.

[9:23] First, wickedness on a scale from 1 to 10.

Stuart Wellington

[9:26] I mean, like the axes is a dead giveaway, so we're already talking—that's above 5 already.

[9:34] Yeah, I'm going to say an 8.

[9:36] That's pretty rugged.

[9:38] Okay, still leaving a little bit of room for wiggle.

Dan McCoy

[9:40] Yeah, I mean—

[9:41] Yeah, they might be misunderstood.

[9:43] Well, there's like an—you know, I mean, there's an absolute scale where, like, if they—you know, if we put these people at 10 and then there's some serial murdering ants later, you know, there's an egg on our faces.

[9:54] I mean, as doll characters—

Stuart Wellington

[9:56] Yeah, or like, I don't know, ants that might be involved in the tech sector.

[9:59] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[9:59] As doll characters, I think that, you know, they have to rate pretty high, though, so I'm also going to get it within an 8.

Elliott Kalan

[10:08] Okay, I'm going to go to a 9 on this.

[10:10] They're very mean.

[10:11] They try to kill their nephew with an X.

[10:14] I'm going to go—it doesn't—to me, it doesn't get more wicked than that.

[10:16] What about coolness?

[10:17] How cool do these ants sound?

[10:19] One of them is Joanna Lumley, so I'm going to give them at least a 6.

Dan McCoy

[10:23] Yeah, I mean, that's the thing.

[10:24] Yeah, they're—I mean, their names are Sponge and Spiker.

[10:28] Yes, they sound pretty punk.

[10:28] One of them is Joanna Lumley.

[10:31] And Mira Margolis is awesome, too.

[10:33] Yeah, that's true.

[10:34] An orphan that's been dumped on them.

[10:36] If you're, like, their friends, like, they would be great at, like, brunch, say.

[10:40] So I'm going to say 7.

Elliott Kalan

[10:42] They definitely have, like, a mean brunch where they're, like, making fun of everybody else in the place.

[10:45] Yeah, yeah.

[10:46] So, Stuart, what would you say?

Stuart Wellington

[10:47] Yeah, I'm going to say 7 as well.

[10:49] Okay.

[10:50] And wackiness slash kookiness.

[10:53] Ooh.

[10:54] Pretty kooky.

[10:55] Are there specific kooky things you can remind me of?

[10:59] I mean, just a general Roald Dahliness of their characters.

Elliott Kalan

[11:03] Yeah, that does give you a few points already.

[11:05] Heightened and cartoonish, yeah.

[11:06] It's a high floor.

[11:07] They have, like, wacky hair, don't they?

[11:09] Yeah, their hair's kind of wacky.

Stuart Wellington

[11:12] Okay, I'll go with a 6.

[11:14] Okay.

[11:14] Not most wacky because, you know, there's axes involved.

Elliott Kalan

[11:18] I'm actually going to give them a 5.

[11:19] I feel like no Roald Dahl character can be less than a 5, but it's not like they're, like, fun, wacky, kooky.

[11:24] And I feel like a wacky, kooky ant, that's an ant who is fun up to a certain point when it stops being fun.

[11:30] Yeah.

[11:30] So, Dan, what would you give them?

Dan McCoy

[11:31] There's a certain number of drinks maybe that –

[11:33] Yes, yeah.

[11:34] I'm going to say I'll go with 5 too.

[11:36] I think that makes sense.

[11:37] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[11:37] Now it's time for a lucky dip.

[11:39] So who's going to choose the category, a number between 1 and 10?

[11:43] That's all I need.

[11:45] I'm going to do number 7.

[11:46] Number 7.

[11:47] Okay.

[11:48] How would these ants be at committing a murder?

Stuart Wellington

[11:51] Well, they'd be bad at it because they attempted and don't succeed at chopping James to bits, right?

Elliott Kalan

[11:56] That's fair.

[11:57] They do not – and they also attack him in public with the axes, which is a big mistake.

[12:01] Well, seems like a mistake.

Dan McCoy

[12:02] Sure, sure.

[12:03] I mean –

[12:05] They have the will.

[12:06] So, yeah, that's the thing.

[12:08] Like, what does good at attempting a murder mean?

[12:11] It doesn't necessarily mean that they get away with it.

[12:14] It means that they're good –

[12:15] Well, this is – but I said committing a murder.

Elliott Kalan

[12:17] Not attempting a murder.

[12:18] Committing a murder.

Dan McCoy

[12:19] Committing – no, I'm saying –

[12:20] Oh, that's true.

[12:20] They couldn't do it and not get away.

[12:22] That's true.

[12:22] The measure is whether they accomplish the murder or not.

[12:24] And they don't do it.

[12:26] But they do as – sorry, as Stuart says, they have the will.

[12:29] Like, clearly, they have the murderous rage in them.

[12:32] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[12:33] Yeah, but if you're, like, interviewing candidates to commit a murder for you and they're like,

[12:39] Yeah, we tried once in public and it just didn't work.

[12:42] Yeah.

[12:42] And you're like, Yeah, but the person we're trying to kill was, like, a super soldier?

Elliott Kalan

[12:45] No, it was a little kid.

[12:46] He was in a giant peach.

Dan McCoy

[12:48] Yeah, that's true.

[12:49] The kid – I'm going to go with five, I guess.

[12:52] Five?

[12:53] Okay.

[12:53] Stu, what do you say?

[12:54] I'm just giving them a four.

Elliott Kalan

[12:55] Four?

[12:56] Wow, I'm going to give them a six at least because I feel like if they had tried it in private, they could have killed that.

[13:01] That could be dead by now.

[13:02] They'd be burying his body and the peach in the backyard.

[13:05] Okay, so that's Sponge and Spiker.

[13:06] Let's move on to our next aunt.

[13:08] Okay, this is Robin Wright as Antiope in Wonder Woman.

[13:14] This is Wonder Woman's aunt.

[13:15] She is a warrior, a master of combat.

[13:17] She trains Diana as a warrior.

[13:20] She's sort of a surrogate mother, right?

[13:22] Yes.

[13:23] I mean, Wonder Woman's mother, Hippolyta, is around.

[13:25] But she's a little distant.

[13:26] I think she has a stronger relationship with her aunt than with her mother in some ways.

[13:31] Yeah.

[13:32] So let's look at those categories again.

[13:34] The first category, of course, is wickedness.

Stuart Wellington

[13:38] I think that's pretty low.

[13:39] I think she doesn't have any ulterior motives.

[13:42] She's not.

Dan McCoy

[13:43] The Amazon are kind of presented in general as being ultra pure and she's –

[13:48] Very noble.

[13:49] Yeah, very noble.

[13:50] So I'm going to say one on the wickedness.

[13:53] And Stuart, what are you going to say?

Stuart Wellington

[13:54] Yeah, there's no – I don't see any like – I don't see any darkness hidden by their whole thing.

[14:02] So I'm going to go with a one as well.

Elliott Kalan

[14:03] I'm going to say a three just because she is very violent.

[14:07] True.

[14:07] And sure, sometimes violence may be called for in self-defense.

[14:10] But I think she kind of likes it.

[14:11] I think she's kind of –

[14:12] She likes having an opportunity to let her inner Wolverine come out, you know, to mix publishers.

[14:18] Okay, now what about coolness?

[14:20] How cool is this aunt?

[14:22] I'll remind you she's a badass Amazon warrior.

[14:24] Who trains Wonder Woman?

[14:25] Yeah.

[14:26] That's high.

[14:27] Yeah.

[14:28] That's very high on that scale.

Stuart Wellington

[14:29] Easily an eight, right?

[14:31] Eight or nine.

[14:32] Yeah.

[14:32] I'm also going to give an eight on this one.

[14:33] She'll smoke a full not even bad night, you know?

Elliott Kalan

[14:36] Yeah.

[14:37] Well, it's like –

[14:37] You know she's like letting you drink in the house because it's part of some Greek fertility

[14:42] right anyway, you know?

Dan McCoy

[14:44] Yeah, maybe.

[14:45] I mean, I guess, yeah, the Greek.

[14:46] I don't –

[14:48] The Greek.

[14:50] I don't –

[14:52] My thing is like she's cool but in like a way that like I wouldn't necessarily think

[14:56] that that's what I personally find cool.

[15:00] Okay, that's fair.

Elliott Kalan

[15:01] Like, you know?

[15:02] You don't want to hang out with her.

Dan McCoy

[15:04] Yeah.

[15:05] You know, I would rather have the cool aunt who is like into really good music, you know,

[15:10] when I was young and like treated me like I was older than I was.

Elliott Kalan

[15:15] Who shows you like a punk album and she's like, you're going to like this, that kind of thing.

Dan McCoy

[15:19] But, I mean, there is an inherent coolness that I think – even saying that, I'll also

[15:24] go with an eight.

Elliott Kalan

[15:25] Oh, wow.

[15:26] You really talked yourself into reversing entirely on that.

[15:30] Okay, what about wackiness, kookiness?

[15:32] I'm going to give her pretty low on this one.

Dan McCoy

[15:35] Yeah, I don't think that any of the Amazon are particularly kooky.

[15:39] They're like busy more staid and kind of –

[15:41] Very stoic.

Elliott Kalan

[15:42] They're not fun.

[15:43] They're not a fun people.

[15:44] And that's, I think, why Diana has to leave more than anything else is there's a sense

[15:47] of fun about her sometimes, you know.

[15:49] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[15:49] I'm going to give her a two on this.

Elliott Kalan

[15:52] Okay.

[15:52] I'm giving a one.

[15:53] One.

[15:54] Okay.

[15:54] And I'm going to give a two also because there is something kooky about the fact that anytime

[15:57] they do anything, you hear a female voice go, ah, in the background.

[16:02] That's going to be kooky.

[16:03] Okay, Dan, you want to pick the lucky dip category here?

Dan McCoy

[16:06] Yeah, I'll go with three.

Elliott Kalan

[16:08] Three.

[16:08] Hosting a Passover Seder.

[16:10] Okay, how do you think Antioch will be at hosting a Passover Seder?

Dan McCoy

[16:15] I mean, they seem to – I mean, they pretty clearly have their own religious tradition that

[16:22] is not Judaism and –

Elliott Kalan

[16:25] Historically accurate.

[16:27] The Greek Amazons would not have been Jewish.

Dan McCoy

[16:29] Yeah.

[16:30] And so I think that they would probably be less successful than, say, me at hosting a

[16:36] Passover Seder who I at least have been to a couple, some courtesy of you, Elliot.

Stuart Wellington

[16:43] I mean, but she can always reach out to Gal Gadot for pointers, right?

[16:48] Her niece is Jewish in real life.

Dan McCoy

[16:51] You know, I still can't go – I'm going to say a one on this.

[16:58] Wow.

Stuart Wellington

[17:00] I feel like she trains.

[17:04] She is disciplined.

[17:06] If she was given this task, she would attack it with full fervor.

[17:10] I'm going to say a seven.

[17:11] I think she would crush it.

Dan McCoy

[17:13] Well, I didn't know how much study time there was allowed.

[17:16] You know, if this was sprung on her.

[17:18] It's Judaism.

[17:18] It's all study.

[17:19] It's all –

Elliott Kalan

[17:20] I'm going to give her a six because I also think if you gave her –

[17:23] you give her a Haggadah, you tell her how to make the things,

[17:26] she's going to do it to perfection technically.

[17:30] But it's going to be missing the joy of the holiday and also the kind of –

[17:33] I don't think she's going to tell the story well.

[17:35] You know, I think she's going to tell it efficiently.

[17:36] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[17:36] She's not going to reference what the Creeping Death or whatever by Metallica.

[17:40] Yeah, she's not going to –

Elliott Kalan

[17:41] a cool aunt would do that, would be like,

[17:42] and now let's hear a song about Passover and play Creeping Death.

[17:47] Okay, let's move on to aunt number three.

[17:50] This is the aunt from Spider-Man, Spider-Man 2, and Spider-Man 3.

[17:54] That's Aunt May, Rosemary Harris edition.

[17:57] This is the Rosemary Harris Aunt May.

[17:59] Oh, man.

[17:59] Big fan.

Elliott Kalan

[17:59] From the Sam Raimi Spider-Man.

[18:01] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[18:01] I saw her on stage once.

[18:04] Oh.

[18:04] Yes, so did I.

Elliott Kalan

[18:05] Did we pee into a fountain, all three of us,

[18:07] and now you're telling stories of seeing an actress on stage?

Stuart Wellington

[18:11] She was in a production of My Fair Lady along with –

Dan McCoy

[18:14] Oh, yeah.

[18:15] That's right, Laura Benanti.

[18:18] If we clip this, you can see me pointing to the poster right behind me.

[18:23] Wow.

[18:24] If we don't clip this, that was a pointless diversion.

[18:28] It was a pointless point.

Elliott Kalan

[18:29] So let's talk about Aunt May, Rosemary Harris edition,

[18:31] and the categories wickedness.

[18:34] Zero?

[18:35] Yes.

[18:35] Negative ten?

[18:36] Unfortunately, we can't go lower than Zero,

[18:39] but I'm also going to give Zero.

[18:40] Yeah, Zero.

[18:41] Except for –

Stuart Wellington

[18:42] She never got nasty with the Vulture, right?

[18:44] That was a different Aunt May?

[18:46] Did the other Aunt May get involved with the Vulture?

[18:48] Didn't Aunt May in the comics date the Vulture for a while?

Elliott Kalan

[18:50] Aunt May in the comics, she became –

[18:52] Doc, Doc.

[18:52] No, she dated Dr. Octopus and almost married him.

[18:55] Oh, right.

[18:56] Okay.

[18:56] And the Vulture –

[18:58] He –

[18:58] Well, the Vulture was involved with her one-time boyfriend,

[19:03] Nathan Lubensky,

[19:04] and ended up accidentally killing Nathan, I believe.

[19:07] But no, yes.

[19:08] Yeah, the comics –

[19:09] Sure, accidentally.

[19:10] The comics Aunt May always had kind of a thing for Doc Ock,

[19:12] and in the comics now,

[19:14] she kind of plays on that –

[19:15] With that haircut?

Dan McCoy

[19:16] I mean, who wouldn't –

[19:17] Hell yeah.

[19:18] Hell yeah.

[19:18] And those glasses.

Elliott Kalan

[19:19] And that frame?

[19:20] So many hands.

[19:22] So, yeah.

[19:23] But otherwise,

[19:24] she is the heart and soul and conscience of Spider-Man,

[19:28] like the greatest hero in all literature.

[19:30] So, Dan, what are you going to give her in terms of wickedness?

Dan McCoy

[19:32] Oh, I said Zero as well.

Elliott Kalan

[19:33] Zero, okay.

[19:34] Zero for wickedness.

[19:35] Okay, what about coolness?

[19:36] Aunt May, Rosemary Harris edition, coolness.

Dan McCoy

[19:39] Pretty cool.

[19:40] I mean, she's cool in that old lady way

[19:43] where, like, she has, you know,

[19:47] transcended ideas of caring about cool.

[19:50] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[19:51] But I could also see her start rapping to embarrass Peter Parker

[19:55] in a funny way.

[19:55] In a way where he's like,

[19:56] Aunt May, stop it, you know.

Dan McCoy

[19:58] Well, I would say, like, she's very sweet

[20:00] and she's funny in her own way.

[20:04] And so, I'm going to say she's a six.

[20:08] Six?

[20:08] Okay.

[20:09] What about you, Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[20:11] I'm going to knock it a point.

[20:13] I'm just going to give her a five.

Elliott Kalan

[20:15] Okay.

[20:15] I'm going to give her a ten.

[20:17] Whoa.

[20:17] Nothing's cooler than being Spider-Man's aunt.

[20:19] Even if you don't know it,

[20:20] Spider-Man lives in your house.

[20:21] Amazing.

[20:21] Good point.

[20:22] Number three, wackiness.

[20:23] Best friends with Spider-Man.

[20:24] Spectacular.

[20:25] Best friends with Spider-Man.

[20:26] Yeah, you raised Spider-Man.

[20:27] Wackiness, kookiness.

[20:28] Category three.

Dan McCoy

[20:30] I mean, she's not that wacky,

[20:32] but, like, every once in a while

[20:33] she says something kind of funny and kooky.

[20:36] Yeah.

[20:38] I'll put a five.

Elliott Kalan

[20:40] Okay.

[20:40] She's a little dotty,

[20:42] which leads to a little bit of wackiness and kookiness.

[20:44] Stuart, what about you?

Stuart Wellington

[20:44] Yeah, I'm going to say the same thing,

[20:46] like, what, at that Thanksgiving dinner

[20:48] with the Green Goblin?

[20:50] That's, you know, she's a little bit goofy there.

[20:51] That's fun.

[20:53] Okay, so five.

Elliott Kalan

[20:53] I'm going to give her a six,

[20:54] because I agree, you know,

[20:55] but I just like her so much.

[20:57] And so here's, so, lucky day category.

[20:59] Stuart, what is the category number?

[21:02] Two.

[21:03] Two.

[21:03] Oh.

[21:06] Taking care of you and your younger sibling

[21:07] after your parents die in the beginning of the movie.

[21:10] Oh, she's going to be so good at that.

Dan McCoy

[21:12] Knock it out of the park.

[21:14] Knock it out of the park.

[21:17] It's amazing that that was a category,

[21:19] and she got it.

Elliott Kalan

[21:20] She got it.

[21:21] So, guys, I'm giving her a ten across the board

[21:23] from all of us.

[21:24] There's no way I would book no dissent on that.

[21:26] Yeah.

[21:26] Okay.

[21:26] Ten, ten, ten.

[21:28] Oh, she is showing taking care of her nephew realness.

[21:31] Tens across the board.

[21:32] Yeah.

[21:34] Okay, guys, but here's the thing.

[21:35] Coming up, number four,

[21:37] Spider-Man Homecoming's

[21:38] Aunt May Marissa Tomei edition.

[21:40] Let's see how she stacks up against Rosemary Harris.

[21:43] All right.

[21:43] This is the younger Aunt May.

[21:44] I'm beginning to see that category

Dan McCoy

[21:45] had a few chances of connecting.

Elliott Kalan

[21:49] I mean, the thing is,

[21:50] there's so many movies where an aunt

[21:51] has to take care of her brother or sister's kids.

[21:55] One of the aunts that I rejected for this

[21:57] was Jumanji,

[21:58] B.B. Neuwirth,

[21:58] who was in that same situation

[21:59] because she just doesn't make that much of an impression.

[22:02] I don't think you guys would remember her that well.

Dan McCoy

[22:04] Yeah, she'd get a lot of affection from me

[22:06] for being B.B. Neuwirth,

[22:08] but that would be about it.

[22:09] Exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[22:09] So this is Marissa Tomei's Aunt May.

[22:11] She's younger.

[22:13] She's, I guess,

[22:15] briefly in a relationship with Happy Hogan.

[22:18] And she finds out about Spider-Man's secret identity,

[22:22] something that in the old movies,

[22:24] Aunt May, as far as we can tell, never did.

[22:26] So category one, wickedness.

[22:28] How wicked is she?

Stuart Wellington

[22:30] Well, I would like it to be 10.

Dan McCoy

[22:37] Different kind of wicked.

[22:39] Miss Stewart.

[22:40] Although, yeah,

[22:42] she does sleep with Happy,

[22:47] who is played by,

[22:49] what's his face?

[22:50] Jon Favreau.

[22:51] So there's a little wickedness in that,

[22:53] I feel like.

[22:55] All right.

[22:55] Just because he's writing The Mandalorian

Elliott Kalan

[22:57] at the same time, I understand.

[22:58] Yeah, I'm getting hurt.

Stuart Wellington

[23:00] He was filming Chef at the same time.

Dan McCoy

[23:02] I think it's just my feelings about Favreau.

Elliott Kalan

[23:06] Okay, so that's two.

[23:07] Stewart, what are you going to give her?

Stuart Wellington

[23:09] Yeah, I'll, I don't know.

[23:12] I'll say like a three or four.

[23:15] Three or four.

[23:15] Let's say four.

Elliott Kalan

[23:16] Four, okay.

[23:16] I think I'm going to give a two also

[23:18] because she means well,

[23:19] but I bet she does things

[23:20] that are a little bit,

[23:22] a little bit naughtier than Rosemary Harris.

[23:23] At least, I mean,

[23:24] when Rosemary Harris was young,

[23:26] who knows what was happening.

[23:27] Sure.

[23:28] Maniac.

[23:28] I mean, there was literally,

[23:29] there was literally a terrible comic book.

[23:31] Blood on the streets.

[23:32] Yeah.

[23:32] A terrible comic book

[23:33] about Aunt May as a teenager becoming pregnant.

[23:36] Oh, God.

[23:37] So that was the book Trouble,

[23:39] written by Mark Miller,

[23:41] a writer who I've never been a fan of.

Stuart Wellington

[23:43] A writer with a soft touch.

Elliott Kalan

[23:45] Yeah, exactly.

[23:46] So what about coolness, guys?

[23:49] Marissa told my Aunt May, coolness.

Dan McCoy

[23:51] No, this is, I'm going to go,

[23:53] I almost want to go full 10,

[23:57] but I'll go nine.

[23:58] Like she's just, you know,

[23:59] this is a cool aunt.

Stuart Wellington

[24:01] The only reason why I can't give her a 10

[24:03] is because I've seen My Cousin Vinny

[24:05] where she plays the coolest character in the year.

[24:07] That's true, yeah.

[24:08] So I got to give her a nine.

Dan McCoy

[24:10] Necessarily an aunt in that movie,

[24:14] although maybe, we don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[24:15] I mean, she could be an aunt.

[24:17] Maybe that's why her biological clock is ticking like this.

[24:20] I'm assuming she is.

Stuart Wellington

[24:22] I mean, based on traditional

[24:24] New York Italian family structures.

Dan McCoy

[24:27] Yeah, yeah.

[24:28] She probably has plenty of babies.

Elliott Kalan

[24:30] And it makes sense that Vinny,

[24:31] who is an uncle,

[24:32] would be matched up with an aunt.

[24:33] Yeah, makes sense.

Dan McCoy

[24:35] Okay, so I'm going to give her a nine also

Elliott Kalan

[24:38] because she's pretty cool.

[24:39] She's pretty good about accepting

[24:40] that her nephew is a superhero,

[24:42] but not entirely.

[24:43] She's still a little freaked out by it.

[24:44] So, speaking of freaking out,

[24:47] what about category three?

[24:48] Wackiness, kookiness?

Stuart Wellington

[24:51] Yeah, I mean, again...

[24:53] I think there's a little bit there.

Dan McCoy

[24:55] Her kookiness is diminished, I think,

[24:57] by the existence of Marissa Tomei

[24:59] and My Cousin Vinny,

[25:01] which would also be like a perfect tint of kookiness.

[25:05] And Marissa Tomei in Before the Devil Knows You're Dead.

[25:08] Sure.

[25:08] In the wrestler.

[25:09] Zany.

[25:12] I mean, maybe I'm just reacting to Marissa Tomei's general vibe

[25:16] rather than the character,

[25:18] but I'm going to give a seven.

[25:19] Seven?

[25:20] Okay.

[25:20] Stu, what about you?

Stuart Wellington

[25:21] That's a little high for me.

[25:22] I'm going to give her a six.

Elliott Kalan

[25:24] Okay.

[25:24] I'm going to give her a five.

[25:25] I feel like, yeah,

[25:26] she's a restrained Marissa Tomei depiction.

[25:29] Okay.

[25:29] Lucky dip for her.

[25:30] It's too bad she didn't get what Rosemary Harris got.

[25:32] But Dan, give us a number.

[25:34] The only numbers you can't pick are two, three, or seven.

[25:37] One.

[25:38] One?

[25:39] Buying you a birthday present you'll actually like.

[25:42] How do you think she'll do on this as an aunt?

Dan McCoy

[25:45] She seems pretty involved in Peter's life.

[25:51] He seems to love her.

[25:53] She seems to be really trying to, you know,

[25:57] I'm going to say a nine.

[25:58] I think she pays attention.

[25:59] Wow.

[25:59] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[26:02] Um, yeah, this is a tough one.

[26:06] I can go first if you want me to.

[26:07] I've never got the gift I really like.

[26:09] Yeah, I'm going to give her a three.

Elliott Kalan

[26:11] I don't feel like she really.

[26:12] That would give you what you really like.

[26:12] Real estate.

[26:13] Yeah.

[26:14] It's hard for me to see her getting,

[26:16] I think she is going to try,

[26:17] but I think she's going to get him transmorphers

[26:19] instead of transformers.

[26:20] Yeah.

[26:20] I feel like that's,

[26:21] she's not as connected to what he's into, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[26:24] Yeah, the thing is,

[26:26] I just keep waiting for somebody to go to Jared,

[26:28] and they never do.

[26:28] What?

[26:32] Uh, I'm going to give her,

[26:34] I'm going to give her a five,

[26:36] which is an optimistic five.

Elliott Kalan

[26:38] Okay.

[26:38] Optimistic five.

[26:39] I feel like best case scenario,

[26:40] she goes to the comic store,

[26:41] and she's like,

[26:42] what do,

[26:42] what do teenagers like,

[26:44] you know?

[26:44] And she might walk away with Ghost World,

[26:47] and he'll enjoy that,

[26:48] I guess,

[26:48] you know.

Stuart Wellington

[26:50] We're talking about what she's getting,

[26:52] Peter,

[26:52] because if she got me what teenagers like,

[26:55] I'd be like,

[26:55] what the fuck is this?

Elliott Kalan

[26:59] You know what?

[26:59] I was talking about Peter.

[27:00] Yeah, Stuart,

[27:00] do you think she'd be able to get,

[27:01] what would you do if Aunt May walked home,

[27:03] and she's like,

[27:03] they said teenagers like this book,

[27:05] and you unwrapped it,

[27:05] and it's Ghost World by Dan Close.

[27:07] I'd be like,

[27:08] get this out of here.

Dan McCoy

[27:10] Dan Close,

[27:10] I love his mind work.

Elliott Kalan

[27:14] Okay,

[27:15] moving on,

[27:15] let's go to,

[27:16] we're going to go back in the past,

[27:17] everybody,

[27:18] we're going to go to the 1940s,

[27:19] to the movie Arsenic and Old Lace,

[27:21] and Aunt Abby Brewster,

[27:23] and Aunt Martha Brewster,

[27:24] played by Josephine Hull,

[27:25] and Jean Adair.

[27:26] Do you need a description?

[27:27] I'll give it to you.

[27:27] They're a little dotty.

[27:28] They're a little dotty.

[27:30] They're a little absent-minded.

[27:32] Cary Grant is their nephew.

[27:34] They accept that their other nephew

[27:36] thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt,

[27:37] and yells charge

[27:38] every time he goes up the stairs,

[27:39] but they also have a hobby

[27:41] of inviting lonely,

[27:43] unmarried men into their house,

[27:44] and then poisoning them,

[27:45] and burying their bodies

[27:45] in the basement.

[27:47] So,

[27:47] let's talk about these ants

[27:49] on the scale.

[27:50] Wickedness.

[27:51] Where would you put them

[27:51] on wickedness?

[27:52] This is going to be

[27:52] a complicated one for them.

Dan McCoy

[27:53] This is morally complicated

[27:55] because they are serial murderers,

[27:59] like I said before,

[28:01] but in this case,

[28:02] they're doing it

[28:03] out of a belief

[28:04] that it is what is best

[28:05] for these lonely men.

[28:07] They think they're helping them.

[28:08] Yes.

[28:10] Now,

[28:12] Now,

[28:12] the lonely men

Elliott Kalan

[28:13] are never asked their opinions

[28:15] on the issue.

[28:17] It's not like they're going to choice.

Dan McCoy

[28:17] It's an objective nature

[28:19] to wickedness.

[28:20] It's not all relative

[28:22] to intent

[28:24] because as we know,

[28:25] the road to hell

[28:25] is paved with good intentions.

[28:27] Yeah.

[28:28] So,

[28:29] I'm still going to,

[28:29] I think I'm going to give them

[28:31] a seven for wickedness.

[28:33] Okay,

Elliott Kalan

[28:33] a seven.

Stuart Wellington

[28:35] You know,

[28:36] I'm not super,

[28:37] I feel like I've never seen this.

[28:40] So,

[28:41] I'm just going to give it a seven.

[28:42] I'm going to trust Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[28:44] I'm going to give them a six.

[28:45] They are objectively murderesses.

[28:47] They are killing lots of people.

[28:49] But,

Elliott Kalan

[28:50] yeah,

[28:50] but I think I'm going to give

[28:51] their intent a little more.

[28:52] They're not doing it

[28:53] for wicked reasons.

[28:53] If you said to them,

[28:55] oh,

[28:55] but men don't like to be murdered,

[28:57] they'd be like,

[28:57] oh,

[28:58] we'll stop doing it then.

[28:59] So,

[28:59] no one has taught them.

[29:00] You know,

[29:01] category two.

Dan McCoy

[29:01] Why didn't Cary Grant

[29:02] just decide,

[29:03] try that?

[29:04] I forget.

[29:05] I don't know why.

[29:06] He doesn't,

[29:06] I don't know why

[29:06] he doesn't do that.

[29:08] Well,

Elliott Kalan

[29:08] the Cary Grant in the movie

[29:09] is not the normal suave

[29:10] Cary Grant we know.

[29:10] He's a lot more.

[29:11] Yeah,

[29:11] he's a goofy.

[29:12] He's goofy and hyper

Stuart Wellington

[29:17] He's what,

[29:17] like a dog that wears clothes?

Elliott Kalan

[29:19] He's a big dog

[29:19] and he's like,

[29:20] oh,

[29:20] you're poisoning those guys.

[29:23] Yeah.

[29:24] He has his own dog

[29:25] that doesn't talk.

[29:27] Anyway,

[29:27] or maybe it's,

[29:28] as we've talked about,

[29:29] maybe it's some kind of sex game

[29:30] where,

[29:30] his best friend is,

[29:31] we're still kind of sex game

[29:32] where Pluto pretends

[29:33] that he can't talk.

[29:34] Who knows?

[29:35] So,

[29:35] category two,

[29:36] coolness.

[29:37] How cool are these

[29:37] little old ladies?

Dan McCoy

[29:39] I mean,

[29:40] I guess it's kind of metal

[29:41] that they're killing

[29:42] all these guys.

[29:43] That's pretty cool.

[29:46] I'll give them a four.

Stuart Wellington

[29:48] Okay.

[29:49] Stuart,

[29:49] what about you?

[29:51] I mean,

[29:51] again,

[29:51] I'm going to have to

[29:52] take your word for it.

[29:53] I'm going to have to say

[29:53] a four as well.

Elliott Kalan

[29:55] Okay,

[29:55] I'm going to give them a three.

[29:56] I'm going to give them a three.

[29:57] It is pretty metal,

[29:58] I guess,

[29:58] but I don't want to reward

[29:59] them too much for it.

[30:02] And now about

[30:02] wackiness,

[30:03] kookiness.

Dan McCoy

[30:05] Well,

[30:05] this really depends

[30:06] on how kooky

[30:07] you find murder

[30:08] because they are pretty

[30:09] dotty and zany.

[30:12] They're pretty pixelated

Elliott Kalan

[30:13] as they would say

[30:14] back in olden days.

Dan McCoy

[30:15] But doesn't that

[30:16] specifically mean

[30:17] that they were drinking

[30:18] a lot?

[30:19] Pixelated?

[30:19] No,

[30:20] well,

[30:20] pixelated,

Elliott Kalan

[30:20] the idea was that

[30:21] you,

[30:21] maybe it was meant

[30:22] that way sometimes.

[30:23] The way I've heard it

[30:24] used in Mr. Deeds

[30:25] Goes to Town

[30:25] is the idea that

[30:26] you're a weirdo,

[30:27] like the Pixies

[30:28] have taken you away.

[30:29] Not the band,

[30:30] the Pixies,

[30:31] which I'm sure

[30:31] Marissa Tomei

[30:32] did.

[30:32] I'm sure Aunt May,

[30:33] Marissa Tomei edition

[30:34] saw the Pixies live

[30:35] when she was younger,

[30:36] you know.

Dan McCoy

[30:37] Uh-huh.

[30:37] Yeah,

[30:38] I mean,

[30:38] look,

[30:40] I think their absolute

[30:40] score would be higher

[30:42] if their zaniness

[30:44] didn't result in murder,

[30:46] but I'll give them

[30:47] an eight.

[30:48] An eight?

[30:48] Okay,

[30:48] what about you,

[30:49] Stuart?

[30:50] I mean,

[30:50] that does sound

Elliott Kalan

[30:51] pretty zany.

[30:52] I'll give them an eight.

[30:53] I mean,

[30:54] I'm giving them a ten.

[30:55] They are fucking kooky.

[30:56] They are a kooky couple of bands.

[30:58] They're creepy and they're kooky.

[30:59] They're creepy,

[31:00] they're kooky,

[31:00] they're ooky.

[31:01] They're ooky as shit.

[31:02] Okay,

[31:03] so let's go to the

[31:04] Lucky Dip category.

[31:04] Dan,

[31:04] I think it's your turn

[31:05] to choose.

[31:06] The numbers available

[31:06] are four,

[31:07] five,

[31:07] six,

[31:08] eight,

[31:08] nine,

[31:08] ten.

[31:09] Uh,

[31:11] ten.

[31:11] Okay,

[31:12] so how good would they be

[31:13] at subtly leading you

[31:14] out of the room

[31:15] while your parents

[31:16] get into an argument?

[31:17] Hmm.

Dan McCoy

[31:20] Uh,

[31:21] you know what?

[31:21] I think they'd be good at this.

[31:22] They're like,

[31:23] despite all the murder,

[31:24] they're very warm

[31:26] and they,

[31:27] you know,

[31:27] care about their nephew.

[31:28] I'm gonna give them an eight.

Elliott Kalan

[31:29] Okay,

[31:30] and they know subtlety

[31:30] because they've been

[31:31] getting away with murder

Stuart Wellington

[31:32] for years.

[31:33] For years,

[31:34] yeah.

[31:34] Yeah,

[31:34] this all adds up.

[31:35] Yeah,

[31:36] and eight sounds

[31:36] from what information I have.

[31:38] I love it.

[31:39] Eight sounds right.

Elliott Kalan

[31:41] I think I'm gonna give them

[31:42] a seven

[31:43] because it could go either way.

[31:44] They're also pretty wacky

[31:45] so I could see them going,

[31:46] oh,

[31:46] well,

[31:47] let's go into the other room

[31:48] or something like that.

[31:49] You know,

[31:49] something that is.

[31:49] Sure.

[31:50] Calls a little bit

[31:50] too much attention.

[31:51] Okay,

[31:52] moving on

[31:52] to a break.

[31:54] We've got a break

[31:55] coming up,

[31:55] guys.

[31:56] Let's talk about

[31:56] who our sponsors are

[31:58] for this.

[31:58] The,

[32:00] what am I calling this again?

[32:01] Oh,

[32:01] yeah.

[32:01] Anti-war,

[32:02] war of the antis.

[32:04] Dan,

[32:04] who's bringing in

[32:05] this episode

[32:05] to the listeners?

[32:06] Unbeknownst,

[32:07] who,

[32:08] unknowing of what

[32:08] we'd actually be talking about.

[32:09] Oh,

Dan McCoy

[32:09] I'm sure they couldn't

[32:10] be prouder.

[32:11] Their name is

[32:11] Squarespace,

[32:12] the all-in-one

[32:13] platform for

[32:14] building your brand

[32:16] and growing your business

[32:17] online.

[32:17] Stand out with a

[32:18] beautiful website

[32:19] engage with your audience

[32:20] and sell anything,

[32:22] your products,

[32:23] content you create,

[32:24] and even your time.

[32:27] I remind the listeners

Elliott Kalan

[32:28] that ants use the internet.

[32:29] They do.

Dan McCoy

[32:30] to look up their cat memes

[32:32] and whatnot.

[32:33] Gain powerful insights.

[32:34] And send emails.

Elliott Kalan

[32:34] Yeah,

[32:35] about their nephews.

[32:36] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[32:36] Into who's going to your site,

[32:38] who's interacting with your content,

[32:39] with the analytics tools.

[32:42] Analytics.

[32:42] Including page views,

[32:44] traffic sources,

[32:45] time on site,

[32:46] and more.

[32:47] Squarespace also has tools

[32:49] you need to get your business

[32:50] off the ground,

[32:51] including e-commerce templates,

[32:53] inventory management,

[32:54] a simple checkout process,

[32:56] and secure payments.

[32:58] And if you,

[33:00] you know,

[33:00] want to design a website,

[33:01] they've got

[33:01] Fluid Engine,

[33:03] a next generation website

[33:04] design system.

[33:06] Start with a best-in-class

[33:08] website template

[33:08] and organize,

[33:11] pardon me,

[33:12] every design detail

[33:13] with reimagined

[33:14] drag-and-drop technology.

[33:17] If you're like,

[33:17] drag-and-drop?

[33:18] This old drag-and-drop

[33:20] technology is no good.

[33:22] Someone please re-imagine it.

[33:24] They've done it.

[33:25] It was imagined,

[33:26] they re-imagined.

[33:27] Why don't you head to

[33:29] squarespace.com

[33:30] slash flop

[33:31] for a free trial,

[33:33] and when you're ready

[33:33] to launch,

[33:34] use offer code

[33:35] FLOP

[33:36] to save 10% off

[33:38] your first purchase

[33:39] of a website

[33:40] or domain.

Stuart Wellington

[33:42] The VOP iOS

[33:43] is also sponsored

[33:44] in part by

[33:45] NordVPN.

[33:46] Now,

[33:46] NordVPN

[33:47] is an easy-to-use

[33:48] VPN.

[33:49] You can connect

[33:50] with one-click

[33:50] or enable auto-connect.

[33:52] They have

[33:53] almost 6,000 servers

[33:55] in 60 different countries,

[33:57] so you can find

[33:57] a server near you

[33:58] for better speed

[33:59] or connect

[34:00] to a faraway location

[34:01] to freely explore

[34:02] the internet.

[34:04] Did I say speed?

[34:05] Well,

[34:05] they have amazing speed.

[34:07] It's confirmed

[34:07] by the speed test.

[34:09] NordVPN

[34:10] is the fastest

[34:10] VPN out there,

[34:12] and it can work

[34:13] on up to six

[34:13] different devices

[34:14] using every major platform.

[34:17] We all like to use

[34:18] the internet,

[34:18] but NordVPN

[34:19] is a great way

[34:20] to safely browse

[34:22] that internet.

[34:23] To get our

[34:24] exclusive discount

[34:25] off of your

[34:26] NordVPN plan

[34:28] plus four months

[34:29] for free,

[34:31] go to

[34:32] nordvpn.com

[34:34] slash

[34:34] flop house.

[34:35] It's completely risk-free

[34:37] with Nord's

[34:38] 30-day

[34:39] money-back guarantee.

[34:40] That's

[34:41] nordvpn.com

[34:43] slash

[34:44] flop house.

Elliott Kalan

[34:46] And since this is a mini,

[34:47] I won't take up

[34:48] too much more time,

[34:49] but we've got some

[34:49] exciting flop house

[34:50] stuff to talk about.

[34:52] Flop TV

[34:53] continues apace,

[34:54] our monthly

[34:55] online

[34:56] live broadcast

[34:58] that you can watch

[34:58] the recordings,

[34:59] TV version

[35:00] of the Flop House podcast.

[35:02] Our next episode is

[35:03] December 2nd.

[35:04] We'll be talking

[35:04] Ballistic X vs. Sever.

[35:06] That's at 9pm

[35:08] Eastern,

[35:08] 6pm Pacific,

[35:09] the first Saturday

[35:09] in December,

[35:11] December 2nd,

[35:12] one day before my birthday.

[35:13] And you can watch

[35:14] the recording afterwards

[35:15] if you can't make it

[35:15] for the broadcast.

[35:17] Get your tickets

[35:17] or season passes

[35:18] at theflophouse.simpleticks.com

[35:20] and if you're thinking

[35:21] there's only like

[35:23] two episodes left,

[35:24] why would I get

[35:24] a season pass?

[35:25] The season pass

[35:26] gets you access

[35:27] to all of the

[35:28] previous episode recordings

[35:29] so you get to watch

[35:30] all six episodes.

[35:31] Those are still up

[35:32] if you have a season pass

[35:33] you can watch them

[35:34] whenever you want,

[35:35] all the time.

[35:36] Just be like

[35:36] Pluto TV

[35:37] and just have it run

[35:38] constantly.

[35:38] You can do that.

Stuart Wellington

[35:39] Yeah, you can watch

[35:40] these old shows

[35:40] and see how much

[35:41] we've aged and changed

[35:43] over the last six months.

Elliott Kalan

[35:44] Yeah, exactly.

[35:45] Oh, horribly in my case.

[35:46] So, the other thing

[35:47] that's exciting,

[35:48] we're not just doing

[35:49] stuff on your screen,

[35:50] we're doing stuff

[35:51] in front of your very eyes.

[35:53] If you live in

[35:54] one of the four cities

[35:55] that we will be traveling to

[35:57] at the end of January

[35:58] for our Flophouse

[35:59] West Coast tour,

[36:00] it's a,

[36:01] not West Coast store,

[36:02] which it sounded like I said,

[36:03] but a West Coast tour.

[36:05] A tour of West Coast cities,

[36:07] four dates,

[36:08] four cities,

[36:08] we're calling it

[36:09] eras.

[36:10] That's a new name

[36:11] I came up with

[36:11] and we can announce

[36:12] two of those dates right now.

[36:13] Two of them are still

[36:14] being confirmed.

[36:14] On January 25th

[36:16] at 8 p.m.

[36:17] we'll be in Portland,

[36:17] Oregon at the Aladdin Theater.

[36:19] It's a wish come true.

[36:21] So, for tickets,

[36:22] go to

[36:22] aladdin-theater.com.

[36:25] That's dash the mark,

[36:26] not dash the word,

[36:27] aladdin-theater.com.

[36:29] That's January 25th

[36:30] at 8 p.m.

[36:30] in Portland, Oregon.

[36:31] And January 28th

[36:33] at 7 p.m.

[36:33] We'll be in Los Angeles,

[36:35] California

[36:36] at the Regent Theater.

[36:37] Go to

[36:38] regentdtla.com.

[36:40] We'll be announcing

[36:41] our other dates soon

[36:42] and we'll be announcing

[36:43] what movies

[36:44] we'll be watching soon.

[36:45] We have to figure those out

[36:47] and they will be exciting.

[36:49] We may have

[36:49] some other surprises

[36:50] to tell you about.

[36:51] Would you have to figure them out?

[36:51] Do they get a prize

[36:52] if they figure it out?

[36:52] No, no.

[36:53] We have to figure them out.

[36:53] Oh, we have to figure them out.

[36:54] I'm going to give you 26 letters

[36:56] and you have to pick

[36:57] which ones

[36:58] are in the movie titles.

[37:00] I have some

[37:01] non-Flophouse news

[37:02] that I'm excited about.

[37:04] Next year,

[37:04] I'm going to be doing

[37:05] another podcast,

[37:06] not with these two guys,

[37:07] although I love them

[37:08] more than anyone else.

[37:08] They are my best beloveds.

[37:09] Okay, keep saying that.

[37:12] Instead,

[37:13] I'm going to be doing

[37:14] a year-long podcast

[37:15] next year

[37:15] with one

[37:16] Roman Mars.

[37:18] Roman,

[37:19] the monster

[37:19] from the robot monster movie.

[37:21] The Roman god of Mars.

[37:21] No.

[37:22] The Roman god of Mars.

[37:24] Yeah,

[37:24] the war god.

[37:25] Roman Mars

[37:26] from 99% Invisible

[37:27] and I will be co-hosting

[37:28] a podcast about

[37:29] The Power Broker.

[37:30] Next year is the 50th anniversary

[37:31] of my favorite book,

[37:33] The Power Broker,

[37:34] Robert Caro's masterpiece,

[37:36] Brick of a Tome,

[37:37] about what happens

[37:38] to a city

[37:39] when one man

[37:40] manages to amass

[37:40] all the power in it

[37:42] and literally reshape

[37:43] the physical infrastructure

[37:44] of the city

[37:45] in the way he wants to,

[37:47] not listening to anybody else.

[37:48] It's a great book.

[37:48] If you've never read it,

[37:49] get yourself a copy,

[37:51] read along with us.

[37:51] It's going to be

[37:52] a monthly podcast

[37:52] all through next year

[37:53] and we'll be doing

[37:54] kind of introductory episode

[37:56] that should come out

[37:56] in December

[37:57] and we'll be interviewing

[37:58] famous people.

[37:59] We talked to Conan O'Brien

[38:00] already.

[38:01] It'll be great.

[38:01] I'll tell you the title

[38:02] of the podcast

[38:03] when I know what it is.

Stuart Wellington

[38:05] It makes me so happy

[38:05] that Elliot's dream's

[38:06] coming true.

[38:07] It's like if,

[38:08] like I got to do a podcast

[38:10] all about like Warhammer

[38:11] or Dan got to do a podcast

[38:12] all about

[38:13] organizing CDs and stuff.

Dan McCoy

[38:15] A brain in a tube.

[38:17] Oh, yeah.

[38:18] So I feel like

[38:19] you guys' dreams

[38:20] have come true.

[38:20] I've had my dreams come true.

[38:21] Yeah, Dan,

Stuart Wellington

[38:21] you're really behind

[38:22] on your dreams

[38:23] coming true stuff.

[38:24] Dan, Dan,

[38:25] I think that's the next thing.

[38:26] We should start

[38:27] one of those

[38:28] make a wish things

[38:29] and get Dan's dream

[38:30] to come true.

Elliott Kalan

[38:30] Yeah, for making Dan's

[38:31] come true.

[38:31] Yeah.

[38:32] John Cena will show up

[38:33] and it'll be great.

[38:36] And finally,

[38:36] one last thing

[38:37] is the comic book series

[38:38] I have right now.

[38:39] Disney Villains Hades

[38:40] is coming out now

[38:41] from Dynamite Comics.

[38:42] Check comic book stores

[38:43] to five issue series.

[38:45] As of this recording,

[38:45] the first three issues

[38:46] have come out.

[38:47] Those are all the ads

[38:48] and things.

[38:49] Stay tuned for more information

[38:50] on our Flop Live shows

[38:51] and on that

[38:52] Power Broker podcast.

Dan McCoy

[38:59] What is up,

[39:00] people of the world?

[39:01] Do you have an argument

[39:02] that you keep having

[39:03] with your friends

[39:04] and you just can't

[39:05] seem to settle it

[39:06] and you're sitting there

[39:07] arguing about

[39:07] whether it's Star Trek

[39:09] or Star Wars

Stuart Wellington

[39:09] or you can't decide

[39:11] what is the best nut

[39:12] or can't agree

[39:13] on what is the best cheese?

[39:15] Stop doing that.

[39:17] Listen to We Got This

[39:17] with Mark and Hal

[39:18] only on MaxFun.

Dan McCoy

[39:20] Your topics

[39:20] asked and answered

[39:22] objectively,

[39:23] definitively,

[39:24] for all time.

[39:25] So don't worry, everybody.

[39:27] We got this.

[39:28] We got this.

Justin McElroy

[39:29] Hey, Sydney,

[39:30] you're a physician

[39:31] and the co-host

[39:31] of Sawbones,

[39:32] a marital tour

[39:33] of Misguided Medicine, right?

[39:34] That's true, Justin.

[39:35] Is it true

[39:35] that our medical history podcast

[39:37] is just as good

[39:38] as a visit

[39:38] to your primary care physician?

S5

[39:40] No, Justin,

[39:41] that is absolutely not true.

[39:42] However,

[39:43] our podcast is funny

[39:44] and interesting

[39:45] and a great way

[39:46] to learn about

[39:47] the medical misdeeds

[39:48] of the past

[39:49] as well as some current

[39:50] not-so-legit

[39:52] healthcare fads.

Justin McElroy

[39:53] So you're saying

[39:53] that by listening

[39:54] to our podcast,

[39:55] people will feel better?

[39:56] Sure.

[39:56] And isn't that the same reason

[39:57] that you go to the doctor?

[39:58] Well,

S5

[39:59] you could say that,

Justin McElroy

[40:00] but...

[40:00] And our podcast is free?

[40:02] Yes, it is free.

[40:03] You heard it here

[40:04] first, folks.

[40:05] Sawbones,

[40:05] marital tour of Misguided Medicine

[40:06] right here on Maximum Fun,

[40:08] just as good

[40:09] as going to the doctor.

S5

[40:10] No, no, no.

[40:10] Still not just as good

[40:11] as going to the doctor,

[40:12] but pretty good.

[40:14] It's up there.

Elliott Kalan

[40:14] Are you guys ready

[40:15] to get back to the

[40:16] war of the antis

Stuart Wellington

[40:17] as we talk about...

[40:18] Oh, boy.

[40:19] Wait, I'm on the edge

[40:20] of my seat

[40:21] even though I paid

[40:22] for the whole fucking thing.

[40:23] Paid for my chair?

[40:25] In my home?

[40:26] Paid for Dan's chair.

[40:27] Who did you pay?

[40:29] I gotta stop this.

[40:30] Yeah, there was a guy

[40:32] outside the door

[40:33] that said I had to pay him

Dan McCoy

[40:34] for the use of the chair.

[40:36] I could be profiteering

[40:37] off of Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[40:38] Yeah, you should be doing that

[40:39] as if you're not already.

[40:41] But anyway...

Dan McCoy

[40:42] I guess so.

[40:43] I mean, I like to think of it

[40:44] as like a mutual,

[40:46] like,

[40:47] that's a symbiotic

[40:48] relationship.

[40:49] It's like when a shark

Stuart Wellington

[40:50] has one of those little guys

[40:51] creeping on their bellies.

[40:53] Yeah, it's called a remora.

[40:54] I'm eating the food

Dan McCoy

[40:55] off of Stuart's belly.

Elliott Kalan

[40:56] All the stuff that falls

[40:57] out of Stuart's mouth

[40:58] goes into Dan's mouth.

[40:59] Yeah.

[41:00] And if you want to join OnlyFans,

[41:02] you can see that happen.

Stuart Wellington

[41:03] Yeah, if you want to...

[41:05] Run, don't walk

[41:07] to your drawing easels

[41:09] and give us a fan art, please.

[41:11] Use your imagination

[41:12] and anything's possible.

[41:13] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[41:15] I feel like this is

Dan McCoy

[41:17] a monkey's paw witch.

Elliott Kalan

[41:19] A monkey's paw witch?

[41:20] Like a sandwich

[41:20] with a monkey's paw in it?

Stuart Wellington

[41:22] That's a good idea.

[41:23] Sounds great.

[41:24] At first.

[41:24] Damn, damn.

[41:25] Then it doesn't feel

[41:26] so good in your tummy.

[41:27] No, not at all.

Elliott Kalan

[41:28] You really regret it.

[41:29] So, here's our next amp.

[41:31] We're going to talk about

[41:31] Auntie Mame,

[41:32] or Auntie Mame,

[41:33] played by Rosalind Russell.

[41:35] You guys are familiar with her.

[41:36] She's a flamboyant

[41:37] society hostess.

[41:38] She's a world traveler.

[41:39] She's always showing

[41:40] her nephew a good time

[41:40] and eventually saves him

[41:42] from marrying into

[41:42] a family of anti-Semites.

[41:44] So, let's talk about

[41:45] Auntie Mame.

Elliott Kalan

[41:45] Now, this is the movie,

Dan McCoy

[41:46] the original movie,

[41:47] not the musical Mame

Elliott Kalan

[41:49] we're talking about.

[41:51] This is,

[41:51] no, this is,

[41:52] no, this is from Mame.

[41:54] Are they the same thing?

Dan McCoy

[41:55] I mean,

[41:55] they're all versions

[41:56] of the same story.

[41:57] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[41:57] It's the universal story

[41:59] that Joseph Campbell

[42:02] talks about in his books,

[42:04] the story of Auntie Mame.

[42:05] This is the movie,

[42:09] Auntie Mame,

[42:09] but it is a musical,

[42:10] isn't it?

[42:11] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[42:12] Yeah.

[42:13] No, that's what I was,

[42:14] I thought that,

[42:14] it doesn't matter.

[42:15] There's also,

Elliott Kalan

[42:16] well, there's also,

[42:17] Mame is the one

[42:18] that I believe

[42:18] stars Lucille Ball,

[42:19] right?

Dan McCoy

[42:19] Yeah, that's what I was,

Elliott Kalan

[42:21] I was,

[42:21] which is not the one

[42:23] I'm talking about.

[42:24] That one is no good.

[42:26] So this is Auntie Mame.

[42:29] Guys,

[42:29] where would you call it,

[42:30] put it on wickedness.

[42:31] Now, she's a

[42:32] high society hostess.

[42:33] She does a lot of partying.

[42:35] Okay, there's a potential

[42:36] for wickedness.

[42:37] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[42:38] Here's the thing.

[42:38] I have not,

[42:40] I'm in Stewart's boat

[42:43] except for I don't have

[42:44] a Dan to lean on.

[42:45] Like, I don't really

[42:46] know this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[42:50] I have a lake to stand on

[42:51] or a Dan to lean on.

Dan McCoy

[42:53] Yeah,

[42:53] I don't think I've watched either.

[42:55] So when did this movie

[42:56] come out?

[42:56] Anti-Mame or Mame.

Elliott Kalan

[42:58] No, this,

[42:59] so this,

[42:59] oh no,

[42:59] this is not the musical version.

[43:00] I'm sorry.

[43:01] Yeah,

[43:01] this one does not have music in it.

[43:02] This is the,

[43:03] so this movie came out

[43:04] in 1958.

[43:07] Fuck.

[43:08] It's based on the

[43:09] play Mame,

[43:10] which is based on

[43:11] the novel Anti-Mame.

[43:13] Wow,

[43:13] they just keep going

Dan McCoy

[43:14] back and forth.

[43:15] They can't make a decision.

[43:17] They can't figure it out.

[43:17] It's like,

[43:18] they kept putting the

[43:19] the back on Facebook

[43:20] every few years.

[43:21] Yeah.

[43:22] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[43:22] And this is,

[43:22] this is starring Rosalind Russell,

[43:24] you know,

[43:25] from His Girl Friday.

[43:26] I don't.

Dan McCoy

[43:27] Okay.

[43:28] Well,

[43:28] I do.

[43:29] Yeah.

[43:29] Dan does.

[43:31] Yeah.

[43:33] Wickedness,

[43:34] I'm going to give her,

[43:35] now,

[43:35] what does she do again?

[43:36] She's like a stage mom

[43:38] or something?

[43:38] No,

Elliott Kalan

[43:38] no,

[43:39] no.

[43:39] She's just,

[43:39] she's like a big party lady.

[43:40] Does she kill anybody?

[43:42] She's a,

[43:43] no,

[43:43] she doesn't kill anybody.

[43:44] She's flamboyant,

[43:45] exuberant.

[43:46] I'll give her a six

Dan McCoy

[43:47] for wickedness

[43:48] because I bet she,

[43:49] I mean,

[43:50] it depends on what you think

[43:50] of substance abuse.

[43:52] Yeah.

[43:52] Well,

[43:52] she drinks a lot.

[43:53] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[43:54] Just to be safe,

[43:54] I'm going to give her a five

[43:55] just because I don't want

[43:56] to smear her.

[43:57] The thing is,

Elliott Kalan

[43:58] it's hard to know

[43:59] by the,

[43:59] by the fifties,

[44:00] uh,

[44:01] standards,

[44:02] she's very wicked.

[44:03] One of her best friends

[44:03] is a nudist,

[44:04] you know,

[44:05] she's,

[44:05] she's involved with stage people,

[44:07] uh,

[44:08] but by modern day,

[44:10] uh,

[44:10] things not,

[44:11] but she's good at heart.

[44:12] She's like,

[44:12] you know,

[44:12] she's good at heart to everybody.

[44:14] So I think I'm going to give her

[44:15] a four.

[44:17] Okay.

[44:18] Uh,

[44:18] okay.

[44:19] Next we've got,

[44:20] next we've got category two

[44:22] coolness.

[44:23] How cool is she?

[44:25] I mean,

[44:25] the name is cool.

Dan McCoy

[44:26] She does.

[44:27] I mean,

[44:27] she sounds pretty cool

[44:29] with all these parties.

Stuart Wellington

[44:30] Yeah.

[44:30] Parties are naturally cool.

Dan McCoy

[44:32] Parties are one of the coolest things

[44:34] that can happen.

[44:37] You know,

[44:37] that's why like cool guys

[44:39] are always yelling party.

Elliott Kalan

[44:41] Yes.

[44:41] Yeah.

[44:42] Yeah.

[44:42] They rarely,

[44:42] they rarely yell,

[44:43] no parties,

[44:44] please.

[44:44] Yeah.

[44:46] Keep it down.

Dan McCoy

[44:47] A quiet night at home

[44:48] on the couch.

[44:49] I'm studying.

[44:51] Yeah.

[44:52] Um,

Stuart Wellington

[44:53] I'm going to give her an eight

[44:54] for this.

[44:55] It sounds like it's pretty cool.

[44:57] Sounds pretty cool.

[44:58] But once again,

[44:58] I don't know for sure.

[44:59] So I'm going to say a seven.

Elliott Kalan

[45:01] Okay.

[45:01] I'm giving her a nine.

[45:02] She is really cool.

Dan McCoy

[45:04] You're still relying on me.

[45:05] Just undercutting me every time.

Elliott Kalan

[45:08] Even though Dan just.

[45:09] Ah,

[45:09] clever girl.

[45:11] In the land of the blind,

[45:12] the one eyed man is king.

[45:14] So yeah,

[45:14] that's the fact that you have

[45:16] a little bit of frame of reference.

Dan McCoy

[45:17] I have a vague idea

[45:19] of what this thing is.

[45:20] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[45:20] So let's talk about category three,

[45:22] wackiness,

[45:23] kookiness.

Dan McCoy

[45:24] Oh,

[45:24] I think that this is one

[45:25] of the classic kooky hands,

[45:26] right?

[45:28] Oh,

[45:28] for sure.

[45:28] I'll give her a nine.

[45:30] Okay.

[45:30] Stuart?

Elliott Kalan

[45:32] Like,

[45:32] Stuart,

[45:32] in your expert opinion,

[45:34] not relying on Dan,

[45:35] what do you think?

Stuart Wellington

[45:36] Okay.

[45:36] Does she wear like normal clothes

[45:38] or does she wear like,

[45:39] I don't know,

[45:40] like patchwork clothes

[45:41] and like a pot on her head?

Elliott Kalan

[45:43] It's not,

[45:43] she doesn't do that.

[45:45] I think of her as like feather boas,

[45:47] long cigarette holders,

[45:48] that kind of stuff,

[45:49] you know.

Stuart Wellington

[45:49] It's not that kooky though,

[45:50] man.

[45:51] That's pretty normal.

Dan McCoy

[45:53] For what situation though?

Elliott Kalan

[45:58] Yeah.

[45:58] I'm going to say six.

[46:00] Six.

[46:00] Okay.

[46:01] I'm giving her a nine.

[46:02] She's pretty damn kooky

[46:03] and pretty wacky.

[46:05] She reminds me a little bit of a,

[46:07] when I was in college,

[46:08] I talked about how my grandmother

[46:09] would take me to the theater

[46:10] and one of my other classmates

[46:11] imagined that she was like

[46:13] a lady with a long cigarette holder

[46:14] and a turban with a jewel in the front

[46:16] and a feather boa

[46:17] who's always like,

[46:17] darling,

[46:18] let's go to the theater,

[46:20] which is not what my grandmother is like.

[46:21] But that's more of what

[46:22] an anti-mame is like.

[46:23] Okay.

[46:24] That's anti-mame.

[46:25] So let's go to our

[46:25] lucky dip category.

[46:27] Stu,

[46:27] I think it's your turn to choose.

[46:28] I'm going to say five.

[46:30] Five.

[46:31] Okay.

[46:32] How would she do at

[46:33] letting you smoke pot

[46:34] in her house?

Stuart Wellington

[46:35] A hundred percent.

[46:36] This lady is like,

[46:38] no bones about it.

[46:39] You can spark that shit up.

[46:41] She's like,

Elliott Kalan

[46:41] I have one rule.

[46:42] You cannot smoke pot

[46:43] in my house

[46:43] unless you share.

[46:44] Like that's anti-mame.

Dan McCoy

[46:45] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[46:46] That sounds cool.

[46:46] I mean,

[46:47] she'd call them jazz cigarettes,

[46:49] but I'm going to give her a 10

[46:50] for this as well.

[46:51] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[46:51] So Stuart,

[46:51] what would you say?

[46:52] 10 also?

[46:52] Yeah, 10, 10, 10, 10.

[46:53] Yeah, 10's across the board.

[46:55] Yeah, 10, 10, 10.

[46:56] She is giving reefer realness

[46:58] in this one.

[47:00] So let's move on to,

[47:02] oh, another aunt

[47:03] who is also kind of a partier

[47:05] in some ways,

[47:06] but maybe it's not quite as positive.

[47:08] This is Aunt April,

[47:09] played by Taraji P. Henson

[47:11] in I Can Do Bad All By Myself,

[47:13] the Tyler Perry film,

[47:14] based on the play of the same name,

[47:16] also by Tyler Perry.

Dan McCoy

[47:17] Also both obviously very familiar with.

Elliott Kalan

[47:19] Yeah, so you guys know who this is,

[47:21] so I'll just,

[47:22] I'll give you a brief,

[47:22] this is just for the listener.

[47:23] You guys are from Aunt April.

[47:24] Sure.

[47:24] She's an alcoholic nightclub singer.

[47:26] She can barely be bothered

[47:27] to take care of her orphaned niece and nephew

[47:29] until eventually she overcomes

[47:32] her traumatic history of abuse,

[47:33] finds a good man,

[47:35] recognizes that she needs

[47:35] to take care of these kids,

[47:37] and kicks those bad habits.

[47:39] So that's Aunt April.

[47:40] Classic Tyler Perry stuff.

[47:41] I mean, basically,

[47:42] I just gave you the plot

[47:43] in a nutshell, essentially.

[47:44] So in terms of wickedness,

[47:46] where would you put Aunt April?

Dan McCoy

[47:48] Well, she's redeemed,

[47:51] but it sounds like

[47:54] she was pretty wicked before then.

[47:55] I'll put her at a six, I guess.

[47:57] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[47:59] I'm going to go a little higher.

[48:01] I'm going to go seven

[48:02] because it sounds like,

[48:03] I mean, there is a redemption,

[48:04] but, you know,

[48:06] it's a rocky road to get there.

Elliott Kalan

[48:09] I'm going to go seven also,

[48:10] but I'm judging by Tyler Perry standards.

[48:12] I mean, by Tyler Perry standards,

[48:13] it's probably a nine,

[48:14] but eventually I think she prays

[48:16] and it helps.

[48:18] Let's go to number two, coolness.

[48:20] Now, I remind you,

[48:21] she is a nightclub singer.

[48:23] And it is Taraji P. Henson.

[48:25] Yeah.

[48:27] Naturally, like,

[48:27] that's cool already.

[48:29] And she can do bad all by herself.

[48:31] She doesn't need anyone's health to do bad.

Dan McCoy

[48:32] Does that mean that she could?

[48:36] Anyway.

[48:38] I don't know where he was,

[48:40] I don't know where his mind was going.

[48:41] Don't want to know.

[48:42] It's a masturbation joke.

[48:45] What?

[48:46] I just, I don't know.

[48:48] There's only one aunt on this list

Elliott Kalan

[48:49] who's okay with that,

[48:50] and that's Auntie Mame.

[48:51] She's like,

[48:51] you can do it in my house

[48:52] as long as the door's closed.

Dan McCoy

[48:54] It sounds like she's mean, though.

[48:56] Like, it sounds like she's cool,

[48:58] but it sounds like she's mean.

[48:59] You might say she's cool,

Elliott Kalan

[49:00] but rude, like Raphael.

Dan McCoy

[49:02] Yeah, I'm going to give her a six for this.

Stuart Wellington

[49:04] Okay.

[49:04] I'm going to go,

[49:04] I'm going to go a little higher.

[49:05] I'm going to say seven

[49:06] because she is a nightclub singer

[49:08] and that's,

[49:08] and it's Taraji.

Elliott Kalan

[49:10] Yeah, I'm going to give her a seven also

[49:11] for that reason.

[49:12] Cool, but rude.

[49:13] What about wackiness,

[49:14] kookiness?

Stuart Wellington

[49:16] Nothing you've said so far

[49:17] would indicate kooky or wackiness.

[49:19] Yeah, it is.

Elliott Kalan

[49:19] And also,

[49:20] she is appearing in a movie

[49:20] in which Medea,

[49:22] Tyler Perry's drag aunt,

[49:25] a drag grandma character appears.

[49:27] So,

[49:27] that automatically,

[49:28] everyone else is at a lower level

[49:29] of kookiness than Medea.

[49:31] Yeah, yeah.

[49:32] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[49:33] Yeah, the,

[49:34] the,

[49:35] the borders of reality

[49:37] have shifted

[49:38] when Medea enters the movie.

[49:39] Yeah, yeah,

[49:40] they're in the house

[49:40] on the borderlands.

[49:41] Yeah, in this one, yeah.

[49:43] Like,

[49:43] I thought I was,

[49:44] this was the sandbox

[49:45] that I was existing in,

[49:47] but it's much different.

Elliott Kalan

[49:49] It's a little bit like

[49:49] if you were watching

[49:50] the movie Spotlight

[49:51] and then one of the reporters

[49:52] was Fozzie Bear

[49:53] and you're like,

[49:53] hold on a second,

[49:54] this isn't the movie

[49:55] I thought it was.

Dan McCoy

[49:56] Mm-hmm.

[49:57] Yeah, no,

[49:58] that's,

[49:58] these are all good reasons why.

[50:00] In a way,

Stuart Wellington

[50:00] you are pointing out

[50:02] one of,

[50:02] kind of one of the great things

[50:04] about Medea as a character

[50:05] is that she is almost a Muppet.

[50:08] Like,

[50:08] she is entering Muppet territory.

[50:10] Oh, for sure.

[50:12] I,

[50:12] this sounds like,

[50:13] yeah,

[50:13] I'm gonna give it a two.

[50:15] Okay,

[50:16] Stu?

[50:17] Uh,

[50:17] yeah,

[50:18] I think I'm gonna go two as well.

[50:19] It seems,

[50:20] she does not seem wacky.

Elliott Kalan

[50:21] Okay,

[50:21] a two from Stu,

[50:22] I'm also gonna give,

[50:23] I'm gonna give a one

[50:24] and especially her pet,

[50:25] her backstory is very,

[50:26] is very traumatic

[50:27] and very unfun.

[50:28] So,

[50:29] I'm gonna give her a,

[50:29] a one for wackiness.

[50:31] But okay,

[50:32] is,

[50:32] Dan,

[50:32] is it your turn

[50:33] to choose the category?

Dan McCoy

[50:35] Okay,

[50:35] so.

[50:36] Does it matter at this point?

Elliott Kalan

[50:37] No,

[50:37] not really.

[50:38] But Dan,

[50:38] this is scientific measurement.

[50:40] Yeah,

[50:40] this is important.

[50:41] I could get kicked out of the AOC,

[50:43] the Ant Olympic Committee.

[50:45] So,

[50:46] it's not the,

[50:46] not the famous AOC,

[50:48] it's the lesser known one.

[50:48] Okay,

[50:49] so,

[50:49] Dan,

[50:50] here are the numbers.

[50:51] Four,

[50:51] five,

[50:52] no,

[50:52] sorry,

[50:52] four,

[50:53] six,

[50:53] eight,

[50:53] and nine.

[50:55] Eight.

[50:56] Ooh,

[50:57] ruining a wedding by getting drunk.

[50:59] Do you think that,

[51:00] Aunt April on this one.

Dan McCoy

[51:01] sounds like a ten.

[51:02] It sounds like a ten to me.

[51:04] Yeah.

[51:04] What little I know.

Elliott Kalan

[51:05] She's a wish on this one,

[51:06] I think.

[51:08] Ten, ten, ten, ten.

[51:09] Once again,

[51:09] tens across the board,

[51:10] she's just that kind of ant.

[51:12] Okay,

[51:13] moving on,

[51:14] a very different kind of ant.

[51:15] This is Auntie M from The Wizard of Oz,

[51:17] played by Clara Blandick.

[51:18] It's that Auntie M.

[51:19] I shouldn't even have to tell you anything about her.

[51:21] You should know everything you need to know.

[51:23] It's one of the greatest movies ever made.

[51:25] Iconic character,

[51:26] iconic ant,

[51:27] Auntie M,

[51:27] taking care of Dorothy.

Dan McCoy

[51:29] I would argue that she's an iconic ant,

[51:32] mostly by virtue of Dorothy saying Auntie M,

[51:36] Auntie M over and over again.

[51:37] She doesn't get a lot of like,

[51:40] like,

[51:40] like there's not,

[51:42] there's not a lot of time spent on who Auntie M is as a character.

[51:44] Oh,

[51:44] I would disagree.

Elliott Kalan

[51:45] I would disagree.

[51:47] She is caring.

[51:48] She's a good boss.

[51:49] She brings out crawlers to her workers,

[51:51] but she's also stern.

[51:52] She's like,

[51:52] get back to work.

[51:53] She makes Dorothy give her dog to Miss Gulch

[51:56] because the law says so.

[51:58] But then she says to Miss Gulch,

[51:59] the immortal line,

[52:00] for years I've been waiting to tell you what I think of you,

[52:02] but being a Christian woman,

[52:03] I can't,

[52:04] and leaves the room in tears.

[52:06] This is,

[52:06] I feel like she's a fully fleshed out character,

[52:09] nearly as much as,

[52:10] say,

[52:11] I don't know,

[52:11] Anna Karenina?

[52:12] I mean,

Dan McCoy

[52:13] not at all I have time spent,

[52:14] but they're,

[52:15] what?

[52:16] Sorry,

[52:16] what did you say?

Elliott Kalan

[52:17] I compared her to Anna Karenina

[52:19] from the Tolstoy novel,

[52:20] same name.

[52:20] Not,

[52:21] who is a mom,

[52:21] not an aunt.

[52:22] It's not Anta Karenina,

[52:23] or Anna Kareninant.

Dan McCoy

[52:25] No,

[52:25] no,

[52:25] I mean,

[52:26] I guess you're right that this is a great example

[52:28] of a lot being done with a little,

[52:29] so.

[52:30] Yes,

Elliott Kalan

[52:30] yes.

[52:30] She makes the most of every moment.

Dan McCoy

[52:33] Um,

[52:34] okay,

[52:35] what's the first category?

Elliott Kalan

[52:35] Category one,

[52:36] wickedness.

[52:38] Oh.

[52:39] Zero.

[52:41] I,

Dan McCoy

[52:41] I would argue that,

[52:44] um,

[52:45] that,

[52:47] uh,

[52:47] the fact that she's willing to kowtow to human law

[52:52] over what is right,

[52:54] I'm going to give her at least a two here.

Elliott Kalan

[52:56] Two?

[52:56] Okay,

[52:57] for the same reason,

[52:57] I'm going to give her a one,

[52:58] because otherwise,

[52:59] she is the spirit of wholesome,

[53:01] all-American farm life,

[53:03] you know,

[53:03] in its greatest form.

[53:05] But you're right.

[53:06] When,

[53:06] when up against the monolith that is the law,

[53:09] she refused,

[53:10] she doesn't say,

[53:11] fuck you,

[53:12] Miss Gulch,

[53:13] and then what,

[53:13] shoot her in the head,

[53:14] and then go on the lam,

[53:15] Thelma and Louise style,

[53:17] with Dorothy and Toto,

[53:18] leaving Uncle Henry to pick up the pieces of his shattered life.

Stuart Wellington

[53:21] It would be a pretty good movie,

[53:24] though.

[53:24] Yeah.

[53:25] Would Christopher McDonald play Uncle Henry?

[53:28] Oh,

[53:28] yeah,

[53:28] of course.

[53:29] You get back here,

[53:29] Annie M,

Dan McCoy

[53:30] you get back here.

[53:31] Yeah,

[53:31] that's the movie that should have been made,

[53:32] instead of whatever that James Franco

[53:34] was the wizard movie was.

[53:37] Oh,

[53:37] Oz the Great Powerful?

[53:38] Yeah,

[53:38] yeah,

[53:38] yeah.

[53:39] And,

Elliott Kalan

[53:39] you know,

[53:39] and they drive over the rainbow at the end,

[53:41] you know,

[53:41] it's a different,

[53:42] it's a different sort of film.

[53:43] Yeah,

[53:43] yeah,

[53:43] they could do that.

[53:44] That reminds me,

[53:45] guys,

[53:45] my kids really want to go see Wonka when it comes out.

[53:49] Should I be dissuading them from this,

[53:50] or should I just go with it?

[53:51] Because right now,

[53:51] I'm just going with it.

[53:52] I'm like,

[53:52] fine.

[53:53] Why do I want to see Wonka?

[53:54] Have you let them watch the trailers and shit?

[53:57] No,

[53:57] they just know it exists.

[53:58] They love the original Willy Wonka movie.

[54:00] They love Timothee Chalamet.

[54:02] Yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[54:03] because they've heard about his NYU exploits.

Elliott Kalan

[54:06] They know about,

[54:07] they know about how as a kid,

[54:09] he used to sell personalized N64 controllers online.

Dan McCoy

[54:12] I like him because he looks like he's about my size.

Elliott Kalan

[54:15] Yeah.

[54:16] You're like,

[54:16] finally an actor my age.

[54:17] No,

[54:18] no,

[54:18] he's actually a grown man.

[54:20] Well.

Dan McCoy

[54:21] I mean,

[54:22] here's the,

[54:22] like,

[54:22] I saw the second Wonka trailer and I was like,

[54:25] If I release all of my knowledge of the,

[54:29] the,

[54:30] the,

[54:31] the Roald Dahl,

[54:31] Willy Wonka,

[54:32] and how Wonka's,

[54:34] that character exists.

[54:35] Like,

[54:35] if I just think of this as an entirely different thing,

[54:38] it looks like it could be charming.

[54:41] It's got,

[54:42] you know,

[54:42] it's from the first Paddington director.

Elliott Kalan

[54:45] If I don't,

[54:45] if I,

[54:46] if I'd stop trying to compare it to the Gene Wilder,

[54:49] then I think you're right.

[54:50] So that makes it takes us to category two.

[54:52] Coolness.

[54:52] How cool is NTM?

Stuart Wellington

[54:54] I was going to say,

[54:54] like,

[54:55] if you're going to,

[54:55] if you're,

[54:56] if you're going to try and cast a movie to tie it in with a Gene Wilder,

[55:00] you got to cast that Jeremy Allen White.

[55:02] Cause that kid kind of looks more like Gene Wilder with his little owl face.

[55:06] Jeremy Allen White.

[55:07] I don't even know who that is.

[55:09] Yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[55:09] but he's enormous.

[55:10] That's the thing.

[55:10] Like,

[55:10] I don't want a Wonka who's like buff.

[55:12] He's not enormous.

Stuart Wellington

[55:13] He's very short,

[55:14] but he's,

[55:14] he's a,

[55:15] he's a wide short.

[55:16] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[55:16] He's super ripped.

[55:17] Yeah.

[55:18] He's girthy.

[55:18] Yeah.

[55:19] He's short,

[55:19] but girthy.

[55:20] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[55:20] That's not the Wonka in my mind.

[55:21] We call it yoked.

[55:23] Yoked.

Dan McCoy

[55:25] We in the plate pushing.

Stuart Wellington

[55:26] Yeah.

[55:27] In the,

[55:27] in the plate stacking.

[55:29] The pushers of plates and stacks.

[55:31] So,

Elliott Kalan

[55:31] so coolness.

[55:32] Aunt M coolness.

[55:33] She does know how to make crullers.

Dan McCoy

[55:35] That's not that cool.

[55:36] I think she's very low on the coolness.

[55:39] This is,

[55:39] she,

[55:41] you know,

[55:42] my.

[55:42] She's not a fucking good hang.

[55:43] My mom told me tales of her strict Methodist upbringing where dancing and cards were not allowed.

[55:50] And I'm sure.

[55:51] How would you dance in a card?

[55:53] I don't understand.

[55:53] Like Alice in Wonderland?

[55:55] I'm sure Auntie M is kind of in that same area.

[55:59] I think you're probably right.

[56:00] I'm going to give a one to this.

[56:01] Okay.

[56:02] The vibes are terrible.

[56:03] Give her a one.

Elliott Kalan

[56:04] Okay.

[56:05] I'm going to give her a two,

[56:06] I guess,

[56:06] because she can make good crullers,

[56:08] but not looking good for Auntie M so far.

[56:10] Category three.

[56:11] This isn't going to go too well for either.

[56:12] I think wackiness,

[56:13] kookiness.

[56:14] Oh yeah.

[56:15] Not very kooky.

[56:16] No.

[56:17] I mean,

[56:17] unless you just think of.

Stuart Wellington

[56:18] Not in a world where you can go into another dimension and see like flying monkeys and

[56:21] Oh crap.

[56:22] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[56:23] You know,

[56:23] when,

[56:23] when Dorothy's best friends are a talking scarecrow,

[56:26] a robot that,

[56:27] that keeps freezing up and a lot and a,

[56:29] and a cowardly lion,

[56:30] it's hard for,

[56:31] it's hard to be kooky.

[56:32] Meanwhile,

Dan McCoy

[56:32] she's literally in black and white.

[56:34] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[56:35] And somehow,

[56:36] even if Medea walked into that world,

[56:38] she would still be the kookiest thing in the entire universe.

[56:40] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[56:41] Yeah.

[56:42] Yeah.

[56:42] I won for kooky,

[56:43] I think.

[56:44] Yeah.

[56:44] Yep.

[56:45] Just a one.

Elliott Kalan

[56:45] I think I'm actually going to give her a zero for that one.

[56:47] Oh boy.

[56:48] Ant-Em.

[56:48] Not great scores for Ant-Em in this arbitrary,

[56:51] ranking system.

[56:52] So Stuart,

[56:53] or is it Dan,

[56:54] which,

[56:54] who's going to pick the category?

[56:55] Four.

[56:56] I will.

[56:56] I'm going to do it.

[56:56] Okay.

[56:57] Four,

[56:57] six,

[56:58] or nine.

[56:59] I'm going to do four.

[57:00] Okay.

[57:01] How good should we be at referring to a story about your parents that your parents would

[57:05] prefer you not hear about?

[57:08] Oh.

[57:10] Like starting to say something and then your mom or dad being like,

[57:13] we don't need to tell that story.

Dan McCoy

[57:15] I feel like Ant-Em seems like the soul of propriety.

[57:20] I don't think she would,

[57:22] like anything a little untoward,

[57:23] she would naturally steer away from.

[57:26] I mean,

Elliott Kalan

[57:27] she really,

[57:27] she can't even bring herself to insult the mean lady who just stole her niece's dog.

[57:32] So yeah,

[57:32] I think she's pretty controlled.

[57:34] I'm going to give her a zero to be honest.

Dan McCoy

[57:36] Just a one.

[57:36] I'm going to do a one because like,

[57:38] I think there's some certain things that maybe her mouth would get ahead of her brain,

[57:42] but yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[57:43] I could see,

[57:43] I'll give her one because I could see her telling a story where she's being judgmental

[57:47] about your parents.

[57:48] Exactly.

[57:48] Yeah,

[57:49] yeah.

[57:50] Okay.

[57:50] From Ant-Em,

[57:51] there's only one place to go.

[57:53] Auntie Karai Hausu from the film Hausu played by Yoko Miramida.

[57:57] Now this is the owner of the titular Hausu,

[58:00] the house,

[58:00] who,

[58:01] as you know,

[58:02] she died in World War II waiting for her fiance.

[58:04] She has returned as a ghost who eats unmarried girls who come to her house.

[58:08] So category one,

[58:09] wickedness.

[58:10] How do you,

[58:10] how do you feel about this,

[58:11] Auntie?

Dan McCoy

[58:12] Pretty high.

[58:13] That's a high one.

[58:14] That's a high wickedness.

Elliott Kalan

[58:15] I'll mention again that she eats girls.

[58:17] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[58:17] She does eat girls.

[58:19] So,

[58:20] I think it's partly,

[58:22] maybe she's not to blame because she's become a supernatural character,

[58:26] but I'm still going to go with a nine.

Elliott Kalan

[58:29] Yeah.

[58:29] Okay.

[58:29] A nine.

[58:29] And Stuart,

[58:30] what about you?

[58:30] I'm giving a 10 for this one.

Dan McCoy

[58:31] Yeah,

[58:31] I'm doing 10 all the way,

[58:32] baby.

Elliott Kalan

[58:33] Not just as she eats unmarried girls.

[58:35] So she's not only eating human beings,

[58:36] but she's also reinforcing a patriarchal system.

[58:40] Yeah.

[58:40] That's a good point.

[58:41] Hey,

[58:41] you're safe if you don't get married.

[58:43] If you get married.

[58:44] So a category two,

[58:45] coolness.

[58:46] Now this might surprise you guys.

[58:47] I'm going to give her a 10 on this one because she's pretty,

[58:50] she's got a real style to her.

[58:51] She's got an eyeball in her mouth.

[58:52] Like,

[58:53] why not?

[58:53] Yeah.

[58:54] I mean,

[58:55] she lives in essentially Pee Wee's Playhouse,

[58:57] but evil.

Dan McCoy

[58:58] I can't get over the sort of like good hang part of being cool.

[59:02] Like,

[59:02] I don't want to be murdered,

[59:04] but I'll still give her a seven,

[59:06] which is a mark of how strong the coolness is.

Elliott Kalan

[59:08] You don't want to sit down for a slice of watermelon as they eat,

[59:11] as they do in Houseu,

[59:13] and be turned into a ghost or have your body torn apart.

[59:16] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[59:16] No,

[59:17] I'd be okay with that.

[59:18] Yeah,

[59:18] I'll do an eight.

[59:19] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[59:20] You know,

[59:20] maybe I'll give her a nine.

[59:21] I forgot about the hangout part.

[59:23] The nine.

[59:23] Okay.

[59:23] Yeah,

[59:24] I can get torn to pieces.

[59:25] That's fine.

[59:25] Category three,

[59:26] wackiness,

[59:27] kookiness.

[59:28] Where does she rate on the wackiness?

Dan McCoy

[59:29] I've got to go 10 on this because this is a public service announcement for listeners.

[59:36] If you haven't seen Houseu,

[59:37] you've got to see Houseu.

[59:39] Yeah,

[59:39] what's wrong with you?

[59:39] It is,

[59:40] you know,

[59:41] it is,

[59:42] imagine.

[59:43] Dragons.

[59:48] Perfectly placed.

[59:49] Perfectly placed.

[59:50] Another horror movie that is as much like pop art collage as done by like a very imaginative

[59:58] kindergartner as it is anything else and gives some sense of what it is.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:03] I was reading about it while researching this episode and they were talking about how the

[1:00:07] director was doing special effects prep work, not being sure how they would come out.

[1:00:11] And that first was like,

[1:00:12] some of the special effects didn't come out the way that I thought they would.

[1:00:15] Like,

[1:00:15] it really feels like someone who,

[1:00:17] it really feels like people at play,

[1:00:19] you know,

[1:00:19] trying to come up with a story.

[1:00:20] It makes the thing.

[1:00:20] So I'm going to give it.

[1:00:22] So it's,

[1:00:22] and that Ant sets a wacky tone.

[1:00:25] So I'm going to say,

[1:00:25] I'm going to say wacky.

[1:00:26] So I'm going to say 10 also.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:28] That's a 10 for me,

[1:00:29] guys.

[1:00:29] I didn't realize.

[1:00:30] Absolute wacky.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:31] The album behind me as we talk is the soundtrack to House.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:40] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:40] Guys,

[1:00:41] we got just one more Ant left.

[1:00:43] And then I'm going to take a moment to tally the scores.

[1:00:46] We got one more Ant.

[1:00:46] Oh,

[1:00:47] before that,

[1:00:47] actually,

[1:00:47] it's a lucky dip.

[1:00:48] I'm sorry.

[1:00:48] We have the lucky dip category for,

[1:00:49] for Antti from House.

[1:00:51] There's two categories left.

[1:00:52] Number six or number nine.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:54] Whoa,

[1:00:54] nice.

[1:00:57] I'm going to get a six.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:58] Six.

[1:00:59] How good would she be at taking you on a whirlwind tour of the world?

Dan McCoy

[1:01:04] Probably bad.

[1:01:05] Yeah.

[1:01:05] I think that she might be bound to that house is a very good point.

[1:01:11] Yeah.

[1:01:11] I'm making as many Japanese ghosts are.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:14] She is at,

[1:01:14] she is stuck in one physical location.

[1:01:16] Yeah.

[1:01:17] Man,

[1:01:17] she biffed this category.

[1:01:19] I think I'm going to give her one because like,

[1:01:21] what a contender.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:23] Kaleidoscopic powers.

[1:01:24] Like maybe there's some supernatural way,

[1:01:26] but I'm,

[1:01:26] I'm grasping at straw.

[1:01:27] I'm just saying,

[1:01:28] but that's why.

[1:01:29] Okay.

[1:01:29] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:29] I'll say maybe a two.

[1:01:31] Yeah.

[1:01:31] Okay.

[1:01:32] So that's a one,

[1:01:33] a two.

[1:01:33] I'm going to give a two also,

[1:01:35] cause I think maybe she could convince you you're traveling through some

[1:01:37] kind of hallucinatory thing,

[1:01:39] but you'd eventually you'd realize that you're,

[1:01:41] you're just there with a giant cat or something.

[1:01:43] Okay.

[1:01:43] So now it's our last aunt.

[1:01:46] Guys,

[1:01:47] this is a non-fictional character.

[1:01:50] We're going to be talking about now.

[1:01:51] That's right.

[1:01:52] It's that aunt of all aunts,

[1:01:54] Edith,

[1:01:54] big Edie Bouvier Beal from gray gardens.

[1:01:56] She is in real life,

[1:01:58] the aunt of Jackie Kennedy.

[1:02:00] She lives in squalor with her daughter,

[1:02:02] little Edie.

[1:02:03] They are the stars of gray gardens,

[1:02:04] a real life documentary from the measles.

[1:02:07] And,

[1:02:07] uh,

[1:02:08] they are,

[1:02:09] what's to say about her?

[1:02:11] She lives in a house full of raccoons and human waste and detritus.

[1:02:14] Uh,

[1:02:14] she spends most of her time in bed.

[1:02:16] She loves canned corn,

[1:02:17] likes to cook it on a hot plate,

[1:02:18] uh,

[1:02:19] and really annoys her daughter,

[1:02:22] little Edie by not paying,

[1:02:24] by not buying into her daughter's projects.

[1:02:26] And also not be,

[1:02:27] just not being friendly to her a lot of the time.

[1:02:29] So that's big Edie.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:31] Can I admit something?

[1:02:33] And that is that I've never seen this movie.

[1:02:35] I,

[1:02:36] I,

[1:02:37] I started to watch it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:39] I,

[1:02:39] I think that for me,

[1:02:41] Stuart admitted he'd never seen,

[1:02:42] uh,

[1:02:43] arsenic and old lace.

[1:02:44] You can,

[1:02:44] you can admit you've never seen great.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:45] I know how artfully this movie is,

[1:02:47] is made like by reputation.

[1:02:50] So it's,

[1:02:51] it's obviously at a different level than,

[1:02:54] um,

[1:02:56] uh,

[1:02:56] reality TV.

[1:02:57] Yeah.

[1:02:58] But like,

[1:02:58] it has the same problem for me where I'm like,

[1:03:02] I don't want to watch this thing that I'm going to find sad.

[1:03:07] And I know is real.

[1:03:10] Unlike a tragedy that I'm choosing to watch,

[1:03:13] but I can comfort myself.

[1:03:14] Yeah.

[1:03:14] You're like great.

[1:03:15] Exactly.

[1:03:16] Blow deck down under or whatever.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:18] No.

[1:03:19] Yeah,

[1:03:19] exactly.

[1:03:20] No.

[1:03:20] And Dan is making a brave stand in favor of closing his eyes to the troubles of the world

[1:03:24] and living in kind of like a fantasy land where nothing happens.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:28] It's a safe space.

[1:03:29] Do I have to consume it as entertainment?

[1:03:32] Yeah.

[1:03:32] Rather than just,

[1:03:34] you know,

[1:03:34] dealing with it because I exist in the world.

[1:03:37] I'm sorry,

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:37] Dan,

[1:03:38] that I literally got real in this game.

[1:03:39] So let's go to category one,

[1:03:41] wickedness.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:43] Uh,

[1:03:43] I don't think she's very wicked.

[1:03:46] I mean,

[1:03:46] I guess she kind of mistreats her,

[1:03:48] the other one,

[1:03:49] right?

[1:03:50] The other one,

[1:03:51] her daughter,

[1:03:51] a person.

[1:03:53] Yeah.

[1:03:53] Um,

[1:03:54] I'll give her a five,

[1:03:55] I guess.

[1:03:56] Yeah.

[1:03:56] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:57] There's some darkness there.

[1:03:58] I'll definitely,

[1:03:59] I'll say,

[1:03:59] I'll go a little higher.

[1:04:00] I'll say six.

[1:04:01] Okay.

[1:04:01] Maybe that's being,

[1:04:02] uh,

[1:04:03] that's because I'm conflating it with the documentary now episode.

[1:04:07] Where they,

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:08] where they kill someone at the end?

[1:04:09] Yeah.

[1:04:10] Yeah.

[1:04:10] As someone who's seen the movie and has also,

[1:04:12] also saw the Broadway musical gray gardens,

[1:04:15] where the first act is before,

[1:04:18] is them when they are younger.

[1:04:19] And the second act is them in,

[1:04:21] during the time of the movie.

[1:04:22] I'm going to give her,

[1:04:24] it's hard because it's,

[1:04:25] I'm going to give her a seven.

[1:04:27] You know why?

[1:04:27] By the time of the movie,

[1:04:29] you are not seeing her at the height of her wickedness because it's her

[1:04:32] decisions in many ways that have led them to this place.

[1:04:34] But by the time she's in the movie,

[1:04:36] she's much,

[1:04:37] she's not fully in control of her faculties and things like that.

[1:04:40] But taking,

[1:04:40] so you know what,

[1:04:41] actually,

[1:04:41] since we're just talking about her in the movie,

[1:04:42] I'm going to give her a six.

[1:04:44] Um,

[1:04:45] chapter two,

[1:04:46] category two,

[1:04:46] not chapter two,

[1:04:47] this is not a book,

[1:04:48] category two,

[1:04:49] coolness.

[1:04:49] Guys,

[1:04:50] how cool is Big E?

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:51] Not,

[1:04:52] to me,

[1:04:52] not very cool.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:53] I will say,

[1:04:55] I think that,

[1:04:56] she's a gay icon.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:59] Yeah.

[1:04:59] Well,

[1:05:00] I think Little E is really more the gay,

[1:05:01] maybe Big E is too.

[1:05:02] Little E is the one who has like,

[1:05:04] the revolutionary outfit for the day and things like that.

[1:05:06] I feel like she's more the gay,

[1:05:07] but.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:07] Well,

[1:05:08] I mean,

[1:05:08] okay,

[1:05:08] adjacent at least by being in the movie.

[1:05:11] So I'm going to do a four for this.

[1:05:13] A four?

[1:05:13] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:13] It was Little E that,

[1:05:15] uh,

[1:05:15] that Jinx Monsoon portrayed in a iconic snatch game performance on RuPaul's Drag Race.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:20] That makes sense.

[1:05:21] And so Stuart,

[1:05:21] what would you say for coolness?

[1:05:23] Pretty low?

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:23] I'm going to say low.

[1:05:24] I'm going to say like a two.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:26] The thing is,

[1:05:26] it's pretty punk to basically live in an abandoned house.

[1:05:30] The problem is when it's your house that you own,

[1:05:33] it's no longer an abandoned house.

[1:05:35] It's just a house you're not taking care of.

[1:05:37] And it's also pretty punk to kind of like be a maker and DIY and kind of like make a space better.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:42] And also to have rich relatives.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:45] That's true.

[1:05:46] It is also very punk to have rich relatives and yet still live,

[1:05:49] still live as if you crawled out of a sewer.

[1:05:51] Yeah.

[1:05:52] So I'm going to give her,

[1:05:53] I think,

[1:05:53] I'm going to give her a three.

[1:05:55] I'm going to split the difference between you guys.

[1:05:56] Okay.

[1:05:57] Category three.

[1:05:57] I feel like she can clean up here.

[1:05:59] Wackiness,

[1:05:59] kookiness.

[1:06:00] This is a lady who routinely feeds raccoons inside her house.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:04] Yeah.

[1:06:04] But there's a line where,

[1:06:06] like where does,

[1:06:06] where does kookiness end in mental illness?

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:10] That's not for me to answer.

[1:06:11] What do I,

[1:06:11] what am I,

[1:06:12] the DSM for?

[1:06:13] I don't know,

[1:06:13] Dan.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:14] Yeah.

[1:06:14] I mean,

[1:06:15] I just think that there's a sad tinge to this that will,

[1:06:18] will keep it down as an eight for me,

[1:06:21] but.

[1:06:21] Okay.

[1:06:21] That's fair.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:24] Yeah.

[1:06:25] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:25] I think a nine,

[1:06:26] like.

[1:06:27] I'm,

[1:06:27] I'm also going to go in nine.

[1:06:29] Dan,

[1:06:29] I'm just proud of you for playing the game,

[1:06:30] even though you have clear moral and ethical issues with it.

[1:06:33] Okay.

[1:06:33] Lucky dip category.

[1:06:34] There's only one category left.

[1:06:36] That's number nine.

[1:06:37] What is it?

[1:06:37] How good would she be at calling you big guy in a way that makes you more and more uncomfortable

[1:06:42] the older you get?

[1:06:44] I feel to me,

Dan McCoy

[1:06:48] that seems a little vulgar for her big guy.

[1:06:52] I don't know.

[1:06:53] But I can also see it happening.

[1:06:56] So I'll just say a five.

[1:06:58] Okay.

[1:06:59] Stuart,

[1:06:59] what about you?

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:00] Yeah.

[1:07:01] I mean,

[1:07:01] I think there's a,

[1:07:02] I think there's a possibility there,

[1:07:03] but I think it's,

[1:07:04] I think it's pretty low.

[1:07:05] I'm going to say four.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:07] Okay.

[1:07:07] I'm going to say a six on that one.

[1:07:09] All right.

[1:07:09] For the same reason,

[1:07:10] it doesn't seem like her,

[1:07:11] but at the same time,

[1:07:12] she says a lot of,

[1:07:13] a lot of kind of things that you wouldn't expect someone in that position to say.

[1:07:17] Sure.

[1:07:18] All right,

[1:07:18] everybody.

[1:07:19] Those are the categories.

[1:07:21] Now it's time for me to tally these scores.

[1:07:28] Okay,

[1:07:28] everybody.

[1:07:29] I've tallied the scores.

[1:07:31] We know now who is,

[1:07:32] I don't know if I'd say the best ant,

[1:07:33] but certainly the ant with the highest score from these.

[1:07:36] Yeah.

[1:07:36] The most antiest.

[1:07:37] Yeah.

[1:07:38] The one who has the most of an ant,

[1:07:39] the most pure ant like ant in all of these.

[1:07:43] The antiest ant.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:44] Have some fucking courage with your game.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:47] Thanks.

[1:07:48] With your horror monsters,

[1:07:49] one of the categories were so much clearer,

[1:07:50] like a positive and negative.

[1:07:52] And this one,

[1:07:52] there's a little different.

[1:07:53] It doesn't always apply to everybody,

[1:07:55] but our winner,

[1:07:56] this is going to be a big surprise.

[1:07:58] This is,

[1:07:58] I think the winner is the ant that all three of us probably have maybe the least experience with.

[1:08:04] That's right.

[1:08:04] Anti-mame wins with 93 points overall.

[1:08:08] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:09] We have the least experience,

[1:08:10] but you guys,

[1:08:10] I think that is the classic ant,

[1:08:12] right?

[1:08:13] Like if you're thinking about it,

[1:08:14] in a lot of ways.

[1:08:15] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:16] She's got six legs,

[1:08:18] got a huge dump truck butt,

[1:08:20] got weird mandibles.

[1:08:21] Six legs.

[1:08:22] Oh,

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:22] right.

[1:08:22] Yeah,

[1:08:23] exactly.

[1:08:23] Yeah.

[1:08:23] She serves the hive.

[1:08:25] And unfortunately,

[1:08:26] I thought this was going to be the winner,

[1:08:27] but anti-housu,

[1:08:29] second place,

[1:08:30] 88,

[1:08:30] that lucky dip category really took her down.

[1:08:33] That lucky dip fucked her up,

[1:08:33] dude.

[1:08:33] Yeah.

[1:08:34] If she had had committing a murder,

[1:08:36] oh man,

[1:08:36] I think she would have been close to a person.

[1:08:38] Perfect score.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:40] 2024's ant competition is going to be so much tighter,

[1:08:43] I bet.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:43] And sadly,

[1:08:44] yes,

[1:08:45] sadly,

[1:08:46] sadly,

[1:08:47] the last place,

[1:08:49] lowest score,

[1:08:50] anti-m.

[1:08:51] Oh,

[1:08:51] a pillar of American film.

[1:08:53] Oh,

[1:08:54] yeah.

[1:08:55] It's funny,

[1:08:55] and second to last place.

[1:08:57] I guess I'll say an ah.

[1:08:59] Second to last place,

[1:09:00] of course,

[1:09:01] is Antia P,

[1:09:02] Wonder Woman's ant,

[1:09:03] and then right above her is the Brewsters,

[1:09:06] from Arsonist,

[1:09:07] Arsenic and Old Lake,

[1:09:08] they should be down near the bottom,

[1:09:10] they're murderers.

[1:09:10] But,

[1:09:11] there's the ants that I wanted,

[1:09:13] I would have wanted to have the most,

[1:09:15] for myself growing up,

[1:09:16] Antiam and either of the Aunt Mays,

[1:09:19] either bottom or middle of the pack.

[1:09:20] To be dramatic,

[1:09:21] I guess.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:22] Again,

[1:09:23] our cultural conception of ant

[1:09:26] is someone,

[1:09:27] maybe a little kookier and ookier

[1:09:29] than you would like to have as your ant personally.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:33] Yeah,

[1:09:33] it's kind of like how,

[1:09:34] we have the crazy uncle,

[1:09:37] as like a character in people's lives,

[1:09:38] and it's like,

[1:09:39] that's not someone you want around you all the time.

[1:09:41] That's someone you want just kind of,

[1:09:42] sometimes livening up family.

[1:09:44] To sweep into your life.

[1:09:45] To grow up.

[1:09:46] Yeah.

[1:09:47] I don't know if you want to live in that like,

[1:09:49] unsung heroes world,

[1:09:50] where you're with your,

[1:09:51] you're out of the ordinary uncles,

[1:09:53] you know.

[1:09:53] Yeah.

[1:09:54] So,

[1:09:55] guys,

[1:09:55] thank you so much for joining me on this

[1:09:57] ant-tacular.

[1:09:58] It's been a real pleasure.

[1:09:59] Ant-splosion of ants.

[1:10:02] We ant-splored the Antiverse,

[1:10:05] and we came up with our ant-sers.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:07] Just like Linogen,

[1:10:09] we went up against the ants,

[1:10:11] we were versus the ants,

[1:10:12] and we came out on top.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:13] Yeah,

[1:10:14] we did it.

[1:10:15] This has been the Fluff House Mini,

[1:10:17] and it's also been probably a waste of your time.

[1:10:19] I've been Elliot Kalin.

[1:10:20] Thanks so much for joining us.

[1:10:22] We are a Maximum Fun Podcast.

[1:10:24] Please check out the other Maximum Fun Podcasts.

[1:10:26] They are also very fun.

[1:10:27] Some of them are even less weighty than this one,

[1:10:30] if you can believe it,

[1:10:31] and some of them are much more so.

[1:10:32] Thanks to our producer, Alex Smith.

[1:10:34] You may find him online as Howell Doughty.

[1:10:35] You may find him online as Lydia Burrell.

[1:10:38] He is a man of many names,

[1:10:39] many identities,

[1:10:40] many lives.

[1:10:42] And I mostly want to thank you,

[1:10:44] the listener,

[1:10:45] If you liked this episode, please leave us a positive review

[1:10:48] wherever you listen to your podcasts.

[1:10:49] If you didn't like this episode, stick with us.

[1:10:52] Yeah, talk to your therapist, buddy.

[1:10:54] Yeah, that's not my problem.

[1:10:55] Maybe the problem was you.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:56] You ever thought about that?

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:58] Yeah, yeah.

[1:10:59] But if you don't feel like we're being too hostile,

[1:11:01] please leave us a good review somewhere.

[1:11:03] For The Flophouse, I've been Elliot Kalin.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:05] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:11:07] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:11:08] And thank you to all those ants out there.

[1:11:11] Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

[1:11:15] Maximum Fun.

Justin McElroy

[1:11:21] A worker-owned network.

[1:11:22] Of artist-owned shows.

[1:11:24] Supported.

[1:11:25] Directly.

[1:11:26] By you.

FH Mini 92 - Auntie War

Transcript

In this episode

Description