Ep. #411 - Santa with Muscles, with Alonso Duralde

[0:00] Hi floppers before we start our regular nonsense

[0:02] We wanted to make sure you knew the flop house is going on a four-city West Coast tour this January

[0:08] It's the flop house errors tour the biggest event in pop culture entertainment this year

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[0:20] January 25th at the Aladdin Theatre in San Francisco on Friday January 26th at Cobb's Comedy Club as part of San Francisco

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[0:34] Calm slash events again. That's flop house podcast

[0:38] Calm slash events the flop house live

[0:40] It's like the podcast but you can smell us and now without further ado our regular nonsense on

[0:47] This episode we discuss

[0:49] Santa with muscles

[0:51] Santa with muscles call me when he's got skin bones and organs

[0:57] Hey

[1:22] Everyone welcome to the flop house. I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington

[1:25] I'm Elliot Kalin and we have a guest. Who is it? Identify him?

[1:33] We have a very special guest today, that's right, it's December that means it's

[1:38] Christmastime

[1:40] sighs the Jewish member of the of the hosting party

[1:49] But the good thing about Christmas because otherwise it's nothing but bad things is that the flop house gets joined by one of our

[1:55] Favorite guests, that's right. It is our annual Christmas movie correspondent

[2:00] He is the chief US film critic at the film verdict sounds very fancy

[2:05] I'm glad he was able to swallow with us flop house boys. That's right. It's Alonzo Duralde the man who puts the

[2:11] Christ in Christmas

[2:15] I go by the Christmas atheist usually around here. So, you know

[2:19] Well, he's the man that puts the moss in Christmas because we always want more

[2:24] He lives Moss

[2:29] Christmas pop culture was pretty much created entirely by Jewish men. So without Berlin without, you know, like Jesus really

[2:37] For instance, yes going that far back

[2:40] Yeah, you know, you've got a hand in you you have a there you have a little bit of a stake in this

[2:44] I guess I would I would call it a collaboration in a sense, but you know, that's we won't need to get into that Christmas

[2:51] It's a great time of year. People love it. Some people call it the most wonderful time of the year

[2:55] And do you subscribe to that? It was Tuesday?

[3:03] Just because like I this is my my obsession and it's become sort of like part of my career now

[3:09] So but you know when when the holidays roll around I need my tree up

[3:14] I need some eggnog in the fridge and I need to see you lovely boys here. So it's great to be back at the flop house

[3:21] Thank you

[3:25] Well, this is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it and we consulted with Alonzo who tossed out

[3:32] Some titles and I think it was Stewart who replied to the list of titles with an all-cap

[3:41] That was at the muscles of course being a

[3:45] notable bodybuilder

[3:47] That appealed to you or yeah, I mean obviously that's part of it. It also is I think it was the dumbest name

[3:54] But uh, yeah Alonzo, it sounds like you do a lot of podcasts with buff nerds. How do you feel about?

[4:00] You know, look I said, we've all got a calling in this life

[4:04] And apparently mine is to be with you know, muscle heads who like to paint Warcraft figures. So

[4:13] Don't make me beat you up

[4:15] Like but yeah, you know, it's funny I

[4:18] Thought I threw out Santa with muscles thinking. Oh, that would be a great flop house episode. I think oh wait

[4:23] I have to watch it again

[4:27] To is like we'll talk about movies that we're gonna talk about I'm like, oh I'm excited about this one and then I'm watching it

[4:32] I'm like

[4:35] Part of our

[4:45] Santa

[4:47] Parmesan and

[4:49] The here's the thing was saying with muscles. It also gave us a chance to drink in the charisma of everybody's favorite public figure

[5:03] The right call no, no, no before we get into it. I did is Dan is a hulkamaniac. He should make that clear

[5:08] Yeah, I do want to shut off right now

[5:11] about

[5:12] The strange phenomenon of Hulk Hogan because I was watching this movie and I was remembering of course

[5:18] When when we were young and life was so wonderful. There was Hulkamania. Yeah, Hulkamania swept the nation. Everyone loved this

[5:26] this firebrand man with a blonde mustache who

[5:31] Was balding up front but long hair behind who would tear his shirt off and it is where they think everyone's lips

[5:37] I feel like it's hard to communicate much as the same way when people who were victims of the dancing sicknesses

[5:43] That yeah sweep Europe would have to explain to their grandchildren

[5:46] Why they suddenly felt the need to dance in medieval times that to explain to my children why Hulk Hogan became?

[5:52] Maybe the most popular man in America at a certain point. I think will be hard to do

[5:56] Well, that's that's exactly what I'm getting at because I was watching this movie and I'm like, well, what was it?

[6:03] Like

[6:05] Friend to children. He was all children. I think he was he was such a I mean this movies from what?

[6:11] 1996 a little late in the Hulk in Hulkamania's reign, but he was such the perfect

[6:17] Wrestler for the Reagan era, especially like where he was. His thing was I'm all-american

[6:23] I love America and I am kind of the

[6:27] Establishment official like wrestler like he was not until he left the

[6:32] WW then WDF and and started became like a bad boy for we can join the NWO

[6:39] Yeah, I got a little five o'clock shadow pain

[6:41] yeah, but he was but the idea was he was like for in the wrestling world his character was the ultimate good guy the

[6:48] Ultimate like I fight for what's right eat your vegetables stay in school

[6:52] And I think maybe what made him exciting was the tension between that and what an obvious like

[6:58] What an obviously not that person he was I don't know underneath all that but for kids

[7:03] It was like a real-life superhero. Maybe that kind of like he was wrong. He's real. Yeah, he wound up

[7:08] I think being kind of the model of Florida man, but before we really had a

[7:13] Collective understanding of what that meant. Yes, you could be could pass himself off as like, you know

[7:18] Yeah, America's Wow number one USA, you know guy who's mr. T for white people I guess

[7:26] Yeah, I mean

[7:29] He was the pet boon to mr. T's little Richard

[7:34] No, this is instructive because the best I could come up with was like I guess he looks really distinctive

[7:39] Like he's got a big face with a big mustache and big eyebrows, you know, there's something the thing he's distinctive at the same time

[7:46] He does not look distinctive. He is for I think especially for a white wrestling audience

[7:51] He's just kind of like a big white guy who's blonde

[7:53] He doesn't look weird aside from his goatee mustache and the fact that he is still super blonde for his age

[7:59] Yes, and he's yeah, and he's also hugely buff, you know

[8:02] But otherwise he has the I think there was something that made him stick out because he had the least amount of gimmick compared

[8:08] But he had a mug which I really comes in handy as a pro wrestler

[8:12] What's weird is that in this movie though? He does very little that it's a very subdued performance from him

[8:16] At times it feels like he thinks he's still reciting his lines to himself before the camera rolls and he does his actual take

[8:22] Yes, every time they they start to take him like do they bonk him on the head again?

[8:27] I mean, he seems concerned that he might be in a serious drama

[8:32] Yeah, and one of the things that I think is funny

[8:34] but you can tell where this is on the Hulk Hogan scale of dissent because

[8:38] You know

[8:39] This is a guy who he's starred in a in at least one feature film that was in

[8:43] Theaters who was what like it like Suburban Commando is in theaters

[8:46] No holds barred was in theaters

[8:48] He would be up against like big guys. And in this one, you actually have a fight between Hulk Hogan and Ed Begley, Jr

[8:57] Tall though, yeah, that's true. I mean his reach is good the matchup. We've all been waiting for

[9:03] This I'd rather see Hulk Hogan versus Ed Begley senior to be honest

[9:07] This is probably jumping ahead but like our hero is a big muscle-bound guy who sells like

[9:14] body like

[9:16] Supplements. Yeah, like a fitness guru and the bad guys are a bunch of like reedy science nerds

[9:23] And I'm like if you were gonna ask me in real life who I thought would be more likely to be an evil man

[9:29] it's the man Hawking is like

[9:32] His snake oil with you know from his mansion, but also he starts out as I mean Stuart will go through this as he talks

[9:38] With the plot he starts out. It's a classic Christmas Redemption arc

[9:41] He starts out as a selfish guy and he comes a selfless guy

[9:45] So there's a little bit of that in there

[9:46] but it is also it does feel like

[9:48] The climax of the Green Lantern movie where it is Ryan Reynolds as a hunky jock versus a nerd in a wheelchair

[9:55] Rooting for the jock who has superpowers to defeat the nerd in the wheelchair

[10:00] Actually, battle would be about whether or not climate change was real because I think really go at it for that. That's true

[10:05] I wonder if they talked about on the set. It was an issue, but in the 90s, you know

[10:08] Okay, let's like to work. I'm sure he did

[10:13] Whereas Hulk Hogan would drive there in a Jeep powered by other Jeeps being crunched up into cubes and then put into the gas

[10:21] He had a Hummer, you know, we had a hummer. Oh, yes. I know. Yeah, that's a good point

[10:24] Let me uh, let's start up this piece. Okay, so act one begins

[10:32] The movie opens with a letter to say and I writ a warning of a mean man named Ember Frost

[10:39] They're a better I think like like is it but Ebenezer? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah

[10:44] It only says Ember because every time I write

[10:47] Ebenezer my correct auto corrects it reasonably

[10:51] Is there like

[10:53] Yeah, that's incorrect. That's not a word

[10:56] They're in the town Lakeville, which is being ruined by Ebenezer Frost

[11:01] Including he's also trying to get rid of the orphanage. He seems to be some kind of evil land developer of unknown

[11:09] Plan and this letter being written to Santa's being written by a young orphan named Elizabeth Bentley Walsh

[11:16] Like a fucking blue-blood

[11:18] Does not sound like an orphan name at all

[11:21] Unless unless literally the way she became to orphaned was her and her parents were walking through a crime alley after seeing a movie

[11:27] The name does not does not fit her situation at all. Yeah, if her parents died at like Truman Capote's black-and-white ball, maybe

[11:34] Yeah, they were killed by a an unknown assailant using lightning gloves or some kind of gas attack

[11:41] Those are characters later in the movie. Okay

[11:43] So after after this opening that kind of shows us a town in turmoil

[11:53] We are introduced to our hero Blake Thorne played by Lillian who is dressed up

[11:59] He's a like a rich fitness guru. He's like the richest man in what three states four states

[12:05] Account the county at least yes

[12:07] In the town of Lakeview, which is clearly somewhere in Southern, California, there's not a lake to be seen it's a very dry climate

[12:15] Yeah, it's a strange name for the tarred

[12:18] So he is a fitness guru. He's dressed up in

[12:22] Camouflage fatigues and he is beating. It looks like he's sneaking into a rich mansion and he's beating up a bunch of staff

[12:30] Turns out they all work for him. This is his regular drill which explains why they fought both

[12:36] Enthusiastically, but also not very well. Yeah. Sorry if you thought this was a how to blow up your pipeline how to blow up a pipeline

[12:47] To blow up a social media

[12:50] Yeah, this also all of his

[12:54] You know his staff seem to really enjoy this too. It's not like a situation

[12:58] They're like, can we please have a job where we don't get you know, smacked in the face with golf clubs or whatever

[13:04] You know, but they're really into it. They're like

[13:09] Happening here. Yeah. Yeah

[13:11] He's he's also like clearly a self-obsessed asshole

[13:14] And he's like dictating rules to his staff who kind of give looks like oh what an asshole

[13:20] But the thing is like they've been working for this guy forever. They would be used to it by now

[13:25] I think what was they put their lives on the line for him?

[13:28] Uh-huh, he like give some like the first rule that we hear him say is like something that is just like an aphorism

[13:34] I forget what it was but it's like not not unique to him

[13:39] Okay. Yeah, like you miss a hundred percent of the shots. He don't take yeah, he's like put that down put that down. It's great

[13:44] I'm on fire. I'm like shut up

[13:49] There's no real billionaires like that now

[13:53] No, the thing is so outlandish. That's the thing. It's unbelievable

[13:57] When he tells when he tells his employees it goes if you see me if you meet me walking down the road kill me

[14:02] They're like that's you didn't invent that the Buddha invented that he's like, whatever whatever

[14:08] So, yeah, Blake Thorne is clearly like a Scrooge for this modern era

[14:15] He his paintball game gets a little bit out of hand and it leads to a police chase including police officer Clint Howard

[14:24] In one of his more dignified roles

[14:28] Yep

[14:29] He gets the kind of be a hero at the end

[14:31] So sure the police chase leads them back to Blake's former home

[14:37] Lakeville the previously mentioned Lakeville where he hides out in the nearby mall

[14:42] Which is in a tough situation because they are missing their mall Santa Claus

[14:46] There's a whole bunch of elves, but nobody can find Santa Claus. So he

[14:51] The classic it's a classic corporate organizational problem is too many elves not enough Santa's

[14:57] So this is this is the this is where act one kind of gives us a little bit of a pause

[15:02] We learned we've learned a little bit of a setup now to get a little bit. Let's deepen this mystery

[15:08] Meanwhile on Ebner Frost's

[15:11] One of his henchmen, dr

[15:13] Blight is

[15:14] Torturing a local business owner and then he brings in his trio of other mad scientists who continue to torture this guy

[15:21] I guess to sell over his land or business. Yes, or his shoe store. Thank you

[15:26] Okay. Now back to Blake Blake sneaks into the mall to avoid you want to talk about do you want to talk about the?

[15:33] Individual henchmen that uh that for us as we're doing weird. Oh, yeah

[15:38] We're slightly eccentric

[15:41] Dr. Blake looks like Dr. Blake looks like Lucas Haas in Widows, but with a lab coat on

[15:48] like a

[15:50] Stretched out Richard E. Grant. Oh

[15:54] Yeah, and then he has a trio of mad scientists who can you guys describe these guys for me

[16:00] There's one sort of like a stocky

[16:03] Balding guy who his thing is smells like yes, like he's like gas oriented and chemists

[16:09] But he has like a bunch of methane of a Hans Molman type. Yeah. Yeah, dr. Vile. I think is his name

[16:15] Yeah, excuse for like a lot of essentially fart jokes

[16:18] Even though he's not farting. He just has gas on him

[16:26] Yeah, and there's an electro lady

[16:29] Yeah, she's got like electro gloves

[16:36] The third one who I'm trying to look up the name of the actor because he was the one who was the most

[16:41] Recognizable of those actors to me who is dr. Flint who is that? Who is the geologist?

[16:47] Kevin West who's in he's an actress in a lot of stuff like you'd recognize him from a lot

[16:50] There's not a lot of uh, not often. Are you're mad scientists geologists. Yeah. What? Yeah, what is very early?

[16:56] I mean, I mean the most I guess the maddest scientist it gets is Clarence King the superstar geologist in 19th century

[17:03] and that's more because in his private life he he convinced a

[17:07] Black woman that he was also black and lived as his her common-law husband under an assumed name for many many years

[17:12] But that's more of a that's not like a mad scientist II type things

[17:15] No, it's just an out-of-the-ordinary thing for a geologist to do. Yeah, and this guy

[17:20] Like I guess he says something menacing like you'd make a beautiful fossil. I'm not really sure how he's

[17:26] Menacing himself, but all of these appear to be like criminal scientists

[17:31] Like they broke out of Arkham or something. They were all thrown out of various respectable institutions

[17:36] Yeah, yeah, the geologist will do terrible things to you, but it will take thousands of years

[17:42] yeah, yeah, and

[17:44] He's like he's like so I'll he I'll have your bones to study. I'll wait and just

[17:51] I'm going to turn you into oil the old-fashioned way

[17:55] Time and pressure

[17:57] So yeah, so those are his those are frost frost who is also like a germaphobe, right? He always has

[18:04] He had a TV yeah, he mainly communicates through TV, which is like carried around by his henchmen, which is pretty funny

[18:12] Okay, and by pretty funny. I mean, come on. What else would like?

[18:19] It is that it is the most fun thing in the whole movie probably he communicates via television

[18:24] Yeah, like dr. Mabuza or something like that

[18:28] Blake sneaks into the mall to avoid the police. This is once again a very rich man

[18:34] By himself sneaks into a mall to avoid the police

[18:37] He steals the Santa costume as a disguise, but officer Clint Howard catches on he hides in a garbage

[18:43] Santa Claus a Santa Claus costume that very

[18:45] Unbelievably fits this enormous man who has wandered into the mall. Yeah

[18:49] Also like like agent 47

[18:52] Rigna was supposed to play Santa Claus if you're a Santa without padding and with muscles, I guess. Yeah works out

[18:58] Maybe the muscles don't go in the same place the padding does right point

[19:03] He's mean to a kid to it, which is what like Clint Howard is like, there's something funny here

[19:08] I'm like, I'm the one who's mean to kid

[19:10] I'm like, I don't know like I'm all Santa who's like not on the job right now being mean to a kid that tracks for

[19:15] Me. Yeah, that's a weird thing. This movie is playing a game

[19:18] it's it's on a delicate tightrope the whole time between

[19:21] kind of characters kind of understanding that he is just a person pretending to be Santa and

[19:26] Also thinking that he is Santa and it's kind of hard to tell at any given point whether the characters believe he's actually a magical

[19:32] Santa Claus or not. Mm-hmm

[19:35] Well, we'll get to that because now that he's in a costume

[19:37] He hides in a garbage chute and then he gets bonked on the head by a giant plastic Santa and he loses memory

[19:43] Luckily Lenny the elf shows up

[19:46] He steals Blake's wallet

[19:48] Realizes who he's dealing with and then he convinces Blake that he is in fact Santa Claus and not any yeah

[19:54] Not like the word millionaire doing a big dance when he finds a wall a big day now Lenny

[20:00] The Elf. What do we feel about this performance on a scale of overbearingly big to you want

[20:06] to shoot yourself?

[20:07] It really needed more schtick, I thought.

[20:11] Yeah.

[20:12] It is really funny. This guy is so committed to this that he follows Santa around for the

[20:18] rest of the movie, basically.

[20:21] Willing to sleep in an orphanage just to maintain the roost.

[20:23] And he also seems to know that he is the lovable sidekick grifter character.

[20:29] He doesn't ever for a moment feel like he's going to actually steal a bunch of the money.

[20:35] He feels like he knows that Santa needs a wacky sidekick.

[20:39] Well, he keeps trying.

[20:40] He keeps trying.

[20:41] He's dying that he didn't get this role.

[20:42] Apparently, it's an ATM that involves a thumbprint, so he's sticking it around, trying to get

[20:46] the glass.

[20:49] The performance, I would say, fits in more to the tradition of the British panto, where

[20:56] they just, it's super, everything's wildly exaggerated and forth-walling to the audience.

[21:03] He's going that hard with it.

[21:04] And so why he is not playing Aladdin somewhere in upper Hertfordshire right now, I don't

[21:10] know.

[21:11] I understand panto, because I saw the recent season of Drag Race UK, where they did a whole

[21:16] panto challenge.

[21:17] Oh.

[21:18] And I understand panto, because I often use panto to bread cutlets before frying, yeah.

[21:26] And I understand pantone, because it's what I use to choose colors for the wall.

[21:31] I'm actually wearing a pair of pantos right now.

[21:34] And I love panatone, because it's a delicious cake that lives in a box forever.

[21:40] It's a poor Christmas.

[21:46] It is a baffling product.

[21:49] Oh, I love it.

[21:50] It's more of a sweet bread, I'd say.

[21:53] Anyway.

[21:54] No, but it is, they set up, okay, he wants to steal Blake Thorne's money.

[21:59] He wants to clean out his bank account.

[22:01] So he needs his thumbprint.

[22:02] So of course he has to go with him in the guise of an elf to an orphanage and live there

[22:07] indefinitely.

[22:08] And I just get things like, does Lenny not have a house?

[22:11] Does he not have a family?

[22:12] Like, what's going on?

[22:13] It's a long con, Elliot.

[22:14] Yeah.

[22:15] Yeah.

[22:16] And we know he needs money, because he owes, he lost a bet that seems to be with Dr. Blight.

[22:23] But it was for like $50.

[22:25] He's like, I'll get you the money.

[22:26] And then the woman who's running the Santa thing at the mall, she goes, $50 to anyone

[22:30] who can get me a Santa.

[22:31] And he's like, hold on, I might be able to get you that money.

[22:34] Is this over a $50 bet?

[22:36] And there are hundreds in Blake Thorne's wallet.

[22:39] So even without the ATM, he's got his hands on some cash immediately.

[22:43] It smells of bigger payday.

[22:46] It's the classic sunk cost fallacy, where he's like, I think, I don't really know what

[22:51] that means.

[22:53] Just take the money you've got.

[22:54] Don't go for the big score of, I guess, emptying his bank account and using his credit card.

[22:58] It's more of a bird in the hand situation, I think.

[23:01] Maybe.

[23:02] Yeah.

[23:03] Is it worth the time you're going to spend living at an orphanage to do this?

[23:07] He's in for the rush of the con.

[23:09] That's what he loves.

[23:10] Yeah.

[23:11] Uncut gems all over the place.

[23:12] Okay.

[23:13] So Blake decides to be Santa in the mall.

[23:17] We get a montage of that.

[23:19] As we said, Lenny tries to use the talking ATM, but it won't let him because it needs

[23:24] Blake's fingerprint.

[23:25] It needs a thumbprint.

[23:26] And now when Blake is the Santa, that must be pretty hilarious, right?

[23:29] Him interacting with those kids.

[23:30] Well, it feels like they shot some footage and then they just used everything they shot,

[23:35] none of which is funny or edited.

[23:38] Yeah.

[23:40] There is one point where a misbehaving kid gets lifted up, but I'm like, I could probably

[23:45] do that.

[23:46] Kids aren't that heavy, right?

[23:48] Okay.

[23:49] So some thugs try to steal the orphanage, the fund.

[23:52] There's like a little fund for the orphanage set up near Santa's.

[23:55] Yeah.

[23:56] They're not trying to steal a whole orphanage.

[23:57] That would be your car.

[23:58] Pull it away.

[23:59] I mean, that's what Ebner's literally trying to do, Elliot.

[24:01] That's true.

[24:02] Good point.

[24:03] So thugs are trying to steal the fund to like save the orphanage.

[24:08] But Blake of course stops them.

[24:10] He throws them around.

[24:11] There's at least one moment where he throws a guy and they speed up the footage to make

[24:15] it look funnier.

[24:16] Yeah.

[24:17] I want to ask you something seriously.

[24:23] You know, when, even when you were a child, was sped up footage ever funny to you?

[24:29] Because for me, there was no point at which I was like, this makes it funnier.

[24:35] Dan, I can't speak for myself because I don't think I ever did.

[24:38] But having recently sat with my older son while he watched the Mighty Ducks for the

[24:41] first time, there is a chase scene in that where the footage is sped up and he was laughing

[24:46] his shit out.

[24:47] He thought it was like, he was, it was so funny to him.

[24:50] He's like, he literally said, look at this, look at how fast they're running.

[24:59] Can you believe they could do this?

[25:02] Yeah.

[25:03] I think it depends on what it is you're speeding up.

[25:05] If there's like a lot of people like throwing pies or running into walls or falling on their

[25:10] ass, like I think there's a way to make that work, but there's so little happening in this

[25:14] movie that so little happening faster is not going to really be a, yeah, it'd be pretty

[25:19] funny.

[25:20] Yeah.

[25:21] Like a list of older gentlemen who is chasing young women around back and forth across and

[25:26] maybe pieces of clothes get caught on things.

[25:29] Yeah.

[25:30] Like patting an old bald man on the head is not that funny, but if you speed it up, then

[25:33] it, then it can get pretty funny.

[25:36] What kind of sax is playing?

[25:37] I feel like, uh, I think I'm going to have, let me look what I've got.

[25:41] Let's see.

[25:42] Yeah.

[25:43] Yuckity yuckity.

[25:44] Yuckity yuckity.

[25:45] You know why we are not just packaging this for a BBC maestro course on the art of comedy.

[25:53] Uh, okay.

[25:54] People are listening to this podcast at one and a half speed as we speak.

[25:59] And it's funnier that way.

[26:00] Hurts my heart.

[26:01] Yeah, absolutely.

[26:02] Because you, cause you, cause you have to, your heart has to beat that fast when it gets

[26:05] sped up.

[26:06] So, uh, the port, the podcast of Dorian gray, but it goes double speed.

[26:12] It ages me twice as fast.

[26:14] Oh man.

[26:15] Would that mean that this ride is almost over guys?

[26:23] Yeah.

[26:24] Uh, okay.

[26:25] So Blake has stopped the thugs.

[26:27] Everyone loves Santa with muscles.

[26:29] So Blake rides off to, uh, on, uh, Lenny's moped, uh, and they, he sees a sign for the

[26:36] orphanage and he's like, I have to go to there.

[26:38] Um, and they decide to ride off together.

[26:41] He's kind of like a determinator at this point.

[26:43] Yeah, he kind of is.

[26:44] And that's about the, he, he is line deliveries are for the most part robotic.

[26:49] Cause he's like, Santa's a robot, right?

[26:51] They're like, only in Futurama.

[26:53] And he's like, works for me.

[26:55] I mean, when he was talking to those kids earlier, like it's interesting to think, like

[26:59] he seems to want to play it like a genuinely like confused, sad man who has no memories.

[27:06] Yeah.

[27:07] Like too much amnesia research.

[27:11] It does feel weird that Hulk Hogan of all people is trying very hard to underplay this

[27:16] part throughout the movie.

[27:17] And I don't know if it is lack of enthusiasm or too much enthusiasm.

[27:21] Like you're saying, he's like, I'm going to finally get into this character.

[27:24] How would he feel about what's going on?

[27:26] I have to create a contrast with Blake Thorne and Santa.

[27:28] So I'll make Blake Thorne kind of a loud mouth and I'll make Santa a quiet, thoughtful, meditative

[27:32] man.

[27:33] And the whole time I'm just desperately trying to remember my own name, but I'm also having

[27:38] to function as Santa.

[27:39] Yeah, it's great.

[27:42] So meanwhile, function as Santa, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, what's called a functional

[27:48] Santa.

[27:49] I hope Santa doesn't get in the way of my regular life that well.

[27:51] I was the runner up of the Santa contest and since Santa was not able to do his duties,

[27:57] I of course take over.

[28:01] Meanwhile Frost's goons threaten the head, the woman who runs the orphanage and they

[28:06] steal the statue from out front.

[28:08] They are about to get away and they're about to run over groundskeeper Garrett Morris when

[28:15] Blake and they're driving an ice cream truck.

[28:18] Apparently the Hulk and Ant-Man are in a movie together.

[28:20] Finally.

[28:21] You've been saving that one.

[28:25] Yeah.

[28:26] I was thinking about it while I was watching it, yeah.

[28:28] I was shocked by how willing this movie seemed to be to like have the villains almost run

[28:33] down Garrett Morris.

[28:34] They get very close and luckily for everyone involved, Blake grabs the chain that is attached

[28:41] to the back of the ice cream truck and stops them in their place, which is a feat of strength.

[28:47] Shocking.

[28:48] Yeah.

[28:49] Also, tensile strength because that could have easily destroyed that ice cream truck.

[28:53] Okay.

[28:54] And then.

[28:55] Or pulled his arms right off.

[28:56] Yeah.

[28:57] I mean more like, let's just say Santa with muscles has a tortured relationship with physics.

[29:04] So the goons run off.

[29:07] They decide to have Blake and Lenny are welcomed at the orphanage.

[29:12] We get to meet young Mila Kunis and her, I guess, what?

[29:16] Is this her big screen debut, Dan?

[29:17] I didn't look it up, but I don't know why.

[29:20] Was this released in theaters?

[29:21] Was it a big screen?

[29:22] For two weeks.

[29:23] Yes.

[29:24] Okay.

[29:25] Then it might have been.

[29:26] Let's take a look at her filmography.

[29:27] Yeah.

[29:28] It was at Sickies.

[29:29] Uh, okay.

[29:30] So, uh.

[29:31] No, she had previously been in a, oh, that was a Showtime TV movie.

[29:34] So you know what?

[29:35] She was previously in the made for television film Piranha.

[29:40] And then right after this, she was in Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves.

[29:43] So it was, I think this was the big screen debut.

[29:45] Theatrical debut.

[29:46] Mila, if you're listening, can everybody make a note of it?

[29:51] Tell us your memories of Santa with muscles.

[29:53] She wouldn't, she wouldn't appear on the big screen again for another two years when she

[29:57] shook off the curse of Santa with muscles to appear in the blockbuster.

[30:00] Krippendorff's tribe.

[30:01] Oh, boy.

[30:02] What a movie.

[30:03] But here's the lesson, if you're going to be the, you know, if you have the choice of

[30:08] being the adorable Moppet or the wisecracking, you know, person at the side commenting through

[30:14] the side of their mouth, be the wisecracker, you'll have a better career.

[30:17] Yeah.

[30:18] Yeah.

[30:19] Very true.

[30:20] Yeah.

[30:21] Okay.

[30:22] So they have dinner.

[30:23] I'm living proof.

[30:24] There you go.

[30:25] They have dinner at the orphanage.

[30:26] They decide to stay the night.

[30:29] And Lenny continues to gaslight Blake.

[30:32] Any chance there's a moment where Blake's like, maybe I'm not Santa.

[30:34] He's like, no, you're totally Santa.

[30:36] Let's put on these pajamas that are actual like Christmas pageant costumes and sleep

[30:41] in bunk beds together.

[30:44] I don't know if I tried to climb into a child's bunk bed.

[30:48] I don't think I'd be able to fit.

[30:50] And I'm not a Santa with muscles.

[30:51] No.

[30:52] No.

[30:53] Yeah.

[30:54] There would also be other problems if you're doing that.

[30:55] You probably get arrested.

[30:57] That's true.

[30:58] The main thing is that Ebner Frost is trying to shut down this orphanage.

[30:59] And really all he has to do is call child services and say, the orphanage just let in

[31:03] two strange men and they're sleeping in this next door to the children.

[31:07] Neither of them seem as willing to identify themselves.

[31:09] Yes.

[31:10] I know there's only three people in the orphanage, but still.

[31:13] It is a very, the orphanage is running.

[31:15] And it's kind of sad.

[31:16] They go to the orphanage and they're like, we found parents for all the kids.

[31:18] Well, the kids we could find parents for.

[31:20] And so it's like the idea that these are the three reject kids that nobody wanted is very

[31:24] sad.

[31:25] Yeah.

[31:27] So you have this, you have Elizabeth Bentley Walsh who wrote the letter in the opening.

[31:31] And then you have a kid who's given off some real Barry Kagan vibes.

[31:36] That kid.

[31:37] I feel like that kid was in a lot of things.

[31:38] He was in a lot of stuff, too.

[31:40] Yeah.

[31:41] Okay.

[31:42] So meanwhile, over breakfast, Lenny steals a milk glass with Blake's fingerprints.

[31:47] That's right.

[31:48] We get a very long slo-mo scene of Hulk Hogan drinking milk for all you milk fetishes out

[31:54] there.

[31:56] Elizabeth schools Blake on all the rules of being Santa.

[31:59] I did not write them down or pay that close attention.

[32:02] Mila Kunis improves the Santa suit by making it look like something you could order out

[32:07] of international mail.

[32:08] By making it out of nanobots now.

[32:11] So he can turn into Santa with muscles wherever he is.

[32:15] If you were doing a Santa themed burlesque show, this is what you'd be wearing.

[32:20] Yeah.

[32:21] It does.

[32:22] It does feel like he goes, he's gone from traditional Santa to Chippendale Santa.

[32:26] Very fast.

[32:27] With this costume change.

[32:28] A local reporter shows up and interviews Blake to be for the local news.

[32:34] It doesn't go particularly well.

[32:35] He seems confused.

[32:37] This local reporter, not very good at her job, I'll tell you, because there's no pre-interview

[32:42] before she puts this person on the air.

[32:45] And then later on, right in the middle of interviewing Clint Howard, she decides she's

[32:50] going to run off and talk to one of the perks instead.

[32:52] You've got to go with the scoop.

[32:53] You've got to go where the story is.

[32:56] Maybe she shouldn't be live, I think.

[32:57] Yeah, maybe not live, yeah.

[32:59] She just needs the rush of live TV.

[33:01] That's what they always talk about.

[33:02] There's also not much of a story that she's chasing here.

[33:05] I mean, yeah, yeah.

[33:07] All those other really cool stories.

[33:09] The Santa has muscles, though.

[33:11] It is the kind of thing you get on public, on local news, though, is where they're like,

[33:16] we talked to a local crazy person who's doing something out of the ordinary, and the interview

[33:20] goes weirdly.

[33:21] And then they're like, OK, we did it.

[33:23] Goodbye, everybody.

[33:24] I do like that Hulk Hogan was like, as an actor, I'm going to be doing a man on the

[33:30] street interview.

[33:31] My options are be totally crazy or totally confused.

[33:35] I'm going to go confused.

[33:37] OK, so meanwhile, Ebner Frost and Dr. Blight see the news story, and they do not like this.

[33:45] Santa with muscles has got to go.

[33:48] So Santa and Elizabeth sing Angel Baby together in the orphanage is some other song because

[33:58] it's not the Angel Baby that I know, which is, of course, the one that goes Angel Baby,

[34:04] my angel baby, that it's not that I don't know that song.

[34:08] And I didn't know this song.

[34:09] Yeah.

[34:10] I'm assuming this is an original, but Alex, can you put some music underneath and sing

[34:14] Angel Baby so I can recognize it?

[34:17] I don't know.

[34:18] Do it again.

[34:19] Angel Baby.

[34:20] I really had a very good year.

[34:23] That one.

[34:24] That's it.

[34:25] Yeah.

[34:26] It's trying to seduce an angel.

[34:28] Just like I do want to have sex with an angel made out of lots of wings and eyes like I

[34:33] really want a new seraphim, but I'll accept a cherubim, too.

[34:40] Yeah.

[34:41] I'm somebody who doesn't I don't particularly love Christmas, but I do kind of love horny

[34:47] Christmas.

[34:48] OK, interesting.

[34:49] Just because they're super weird.

[34:50] And the apocalypse has a good one.

[34:51] OK, I'll check that out.

[34:52] That's one of my favorite community bits.

[34:53] When did you see that?

[34:54] Like, there's a bit where, like, Annie sings a song that is basically Santa Baby, but like,

[34:55] you know, like their funny version of it, where it's just her, like being as babyish

[34:56] as possible.

[34:57] Yeah.

[34:58] Yeah.

[34:59] Yeah.

[35:00] Yeah.

[35:01] Yeah.

[35:02] Yeah.

[35:03] Yeah.

[35:04] Yeah.

[35:05] Yeah.

[35:06] Yeah.

[35:07] Yeah.

[35:38] And then I think that's all the options here.

[35:39] Oil me up, you know.

[35:40] Yeah.

[35:41] You could be what.

[35:42] A last day, a baby.

[35:43] Come on.

[35:44] Something about America, a winter holidays over here.

[35:45] Yeah.

[35:46] OK.

[35:47] So like Occupy, something like that.

[35:48] Yeah.

[35:49] A lot of way, baby.

[35:50] A lot of hot oil.

[35:51] That's something.

[35:52] Yeah.

[35:53] Yeah.

[35:54] And oil for eight days.

[35:55] I don't want to know what the oil is, though.

[35:56] That's what I'm saying.

[35:57] Usually, usually, we have sex for one minute, but now we're going to do it for eight minutes.

[36:04] What are you, in your 20s?

[36:05] For enough oil.

[36:06] Eight minutes.

[36:07] It's a Hanukkah miracle.

[36:08] Oh, we're going to make it last, baby.

[36:09] So again, Hulk Hogan and a little girl sing this song, Angel Baby, together in a chapel.

[36:10] And then time passes tonight.

[36:11] What a poetic transition, Stuart.

[36:12] OK.

[36:13] So the Goon Squad shows up.

[36:14] Guys, I keep saying the Goon Squad.

[36:15] Now, is this the Goon Squad from the Pulitzer Prize winning novel, A Visit from the Goon

[36:16] Squad?

[36:17] Yes.

[36:18] Yes.

[36:19] OK.

[36:20] That was the Goon Squad.

[36:21] OK.

[36:22] So the Goon Squad shows up.

[36:23] Guys, I keep saying the Goon Squad.

[36:24] Now, is this the Goon Squad from the Pulitzer Prize winning novel, A Visit from the Goon

[36:25] Squad?

[36:26] Yes.

[36:27] Yes.

[36:33] Oh, I wish.

[36:34] Is somebody vegan right now?

[36:35] Oh, I wish.

[36:36] Yeah.

[36:37] I had to explain to my wife, because our friend Ashley Atkinson is one of the featured actors

[36:45] on the show The Gilded Age.

[36:47] Yes.

[36:48] And somebody on Twitter pointed out that they like to engage in gooning parties with their

[36:53] friends whenever her character shows up on screen.

[36:55] And I had to explain to my wife what gooning was, which was, you know, pretty fucked.

[36:59] Now, can you pretend that I'm your wife and explain it to me?

[37:02] I think it's where, like, you just, like, hang out and jack off for a long time, possibly

[37:06] denying yourself a release.

[37:08] Now, there's a party involved?

[37:10] Yeah, like you're just hanging out with your buds.

[37:13] Jay and Dan.

[37:14] Now, you know why Popeye was always trying to get off the island of the goons, because

[37:17] he didn't want to do that.

[37:18] This is why I said, I think there's a party in my pants and everyone's invited.

[37:23] This is a zoom goon or is this in person?

[37:27] I mean, I didn't get all the details.

[37:29] This was on Twitter.

[37:30] Maybe I should have more follow ups.

[37:32] I mean, this is fish is, you know, a provocative character, provocative character.

[37:36] And one in one episode, she even had a boob cutout, a boob window.

[37:39] This is fish.

[37:41] That's her character's name.

[37:42] OK, I'm unfamiliar with this show.

[37:43] You gotta watch the Gilded Age, dude.

[37:44] It's got Carrie Coon in it.

[37:46] Carrie Coon.

[37:47] Now, there's a coon goon party.

[37:50] Oh, every day.

[37:52] OK, let's see.

[37:54] So the goon squad shows up and OK, keep it chill, Dan.

[37:58] What a Christmas episode this is.

[37:59] Oh, boy.

[38:00] Tis the season.

[38:01] So the goon squad shows up and they threaten.

[38:03] Happy horny day.

[38:04] Oh, God.

[38:07] Dan's turning into one of those text messages.

[38:10] It was like group text messages.

[38:14] And for those who celebrate, happy gutica.

[38:16] It inserts all the like bad porn puns and whatever.

[38:21] OK.

[38:22] I don't get these text messages.

[38:23] What are these text messages you're getting?

[38:25] You've got to be in killer groups, dude.

[38:29] OK, so the bad guys show up and they threaten them by throwing the statue head through the window.

[38:34] Blake then goes out and probably just whips their asses.

[38:38] There's no moment when he is not going to whip their asses.

[38:41] And it's totally self-defense.

[38:43] He walks out and Dr. Blight seems to think he can handle Santa with muscles and takes his stethoscope and hits him in the face with it.

[38:50] He's lashing him in the face with a stethoscope strap or with the end of the stethoscope, which is much more brutal than I expected to see in a movie called Santa with Muscles.

[38:59] That opens with a little girl reading a letter to Santa.

[39:01] And he does a couple of spin kicks that I'm sure the actor had been practicing and really wanted to do.

[39:08] But all for naught, Blake beats them up quite easily and they drive off.

[39:13] But in the mayhem, they don't realize that one of the kids, one of the orphans has slipped away.

[39:19] Of course, he must have gone to Ebner Frost's mansion.

[39:25] And that kid is Taylor.

[39:27] I just checked my notes.

[39:29] The kid's name is Taylor, everybody.

[39:31] So they head over to the third and final orphan.

[39:37] Of the three orph-sketeers.

[39:39] Everyone always forgets Taylor.

[39:41] They head to Frost's mansion, which is, I don't know, like a house with a bunch of weird steam vents outside.

[39:48] It's clearly a mansion that they have rented or belongs to one of the producers of the film possibly.

[39:53] And that they have outfitted with the least kind of skin of fake science stuff to make it look like a mad scientist's mansion.

[40:00] Yeah, it's cool.

[40:01] Oh, which reminds me, Alonzo, we haven't even talked about the producer of the film, which

[40:04] you reminded me of over text earlier.

[40:06] I was, I was, I'm always surprised when I revisit this movie to remember that one of

[40:10] the executive producers is one Jordan Belfort, who you may know better as the Wolf of Wall

[40:16] Street.

[40:17] They left the part out.

[40:18] The white square says he didn't cover his years producing Sandals and Hustles.

[40:21] I know, I totally wanted to see a scene where Leo is on the scene, the set of this movie.

[40:27] And you have to wonder, it kind of throws the whole thing into perspective, like, is

[40:30] this entire thing some sort of complicated tax dodge, like money laundering scheme?

[40:37] Like, it's like, well, we have to make something like is, is this basically springtime for

[40:41] Hitler?

[40:42] Yeah.

[40:43] The Wolf of Wall Street?

[40:44] Like, I don't know.

[40:45] I wish I knew.

[40:46] Or just an attempt to get to hang out with Hulk Hogan, which is something I could see

[40:48] him wanting to do.

[40:49] Also, yeah.

[40:50] Yeah.

[40:51] This is true.

[40:52] Although it's weird.

[40:54] Like, if you're thinking about Fu Manchu mustache, mullet, like muscle shirt Hulk Hogan, he's

[41:02] he's he is committed to the bit of playing like this billionaire.

[41:06] So it's he's almost sort of like Keto makeover Hulk Hogan.

[41:10] Yeah.

[41:11] No, it's not the one that we're used to in these movies.

[41:14] No, not at all.

[41:15] None of those.

[41:16] Like, what are those?

[41:17] Not zebra pants.

[41:18] What are those pants called?

[41:19] Zubas?

[41:20] Zuba.

[41:21] Yes.

[41:23] Yeah.

[41:24] Yeah.

[41:25] Yeah.

[41:26] Yeah.

[41:27] Yeah.

[41:28] Yeah.

[41:29] Yeah.

[41:30] Yeah.

[41:31] Yeah.

[41:32] See, that's why you do podcasts with us muscle boys.

[41:33] We know the the vernacular.

[41:34] This is also and this is this is kind of like late, early Hulk Hogan as opposed to late,

[41:35] late Hulk Hogan, where he's mostly suing Gawker out of existence with Peter Thiel's money.

[41:38] Yeah.

[41:39] I think somebody described him described him as showing up to court like he's the pallbearer

[41:43] at a boa constrictor's funeral.

[41:47] OK.

[41:50] I don't deserve credit for that joke.

[41:52] It's not mine.

[41:53] OK.

[41:54] So they find Taylor outside of Frost's mansion.

[41:58] They scold him for carrying a slingshot and they send him and Lenny home.

[42:06] They I guess he decides to like investigate what Frost is up to, which is to basically

[42:13] like take over the town and find something underneath it.

[42:17] He doesn't learn that much new information.

[42:19] Yeah.

[42:20] But they realize he does realize that whatever Frost wants is under the orphanage.

[42:26] So that leads all the orphans and everybody go under into the catacombs beneath the orphanage.

[42:33] This is where the movie went from the movie I thought it was going to be to the movie

[42:37] I didn't quite expect.

[42:38] And I was and but hoped it would take a turn like this.

[42:41] Yeah.

[42:42] Underneath the church, there's a massive vault that has a combination lock that seems to

[42:45] have stumped the kids.

[42:47] But Blake somehow realizes that he knows the rest of the combination.

[42:51] How curious they open up the vault.

[42:54] It leads into a cavern filled with precious gems, rare electroconductive quartz crystals

[43:00] explode.

[43:01] Yeah.

[43:02] And they could they generate these are stones that generate their own electricity and are

[43:06] explosive.

[43:08] And I remember getting to this point in the movie and just being like, movie, I didn't

[43:12] think you're going to surprise me, but you did it.

[43:14] You surprised me.

[43:16] That's that was my take, basically, where it's just like this movie could have easily

[43:19] been exactly what you expected.

[43:22] And it's not good, but at least it took the energy to take make weird choices.

[43:28] It's like a seven year old telling you a story and it's like, yeah, they go underground.

[43:34] Like it could have easily been Santa with muscles does a charity wrestling match to

[43:39] save the orphanage.

[43:40] The orphans.

[43:41] Yeah.

[43:42] Yeah.

[43:43] But instead they said, hold on.

[43:44] What's the opposite of that?

[43:46] How about a cavern of electric crystals that exists under the of the orphanage with a vault

[43:51] door with a mysterious combination?

[43:53] I was like, this just turned into a point click video game.

[43:55] And I love those.

[43:56] Yeah.

[43:57] How about it's not just a land developer who wants the land the orphanage is on.

[44:01] It's a scientist who knows that they're magic crystals that I mean, it's something that

[44:06] kids can understand.

[44:07] Go on.

[44:08] Yeah.

[44:09] Yeah.

[44:10] Like kids are like, oh, I understand the the value of land.

[44:13] Yeah.

[44:15] OK, so Lenny continues to keep lying to Blake, but he's starting to get cold feet.

[44:20] He's in contact with Blight and he doesn't know if he wants to go through with it.

[44:23] Dr. Blight shows up at the orphanage and he gets chased around by Santa leading to a confrontation

[44:30] in, I think, like the bell tower.

[44:32] Yeah.

[44:33] The orphan orphanage is a bell tower.

[44:34] Very vertical.

[44:35] And Santa gets knocked off the bell tower and lands Santa, meaning Blake, of course,

[44:41] it's hard for even I have trouble.

[44:43] I can't believe you are taken in by the magic of Santa.

[44:46] He is knocked off the bell tower.

[44:48] He lands in a garbage truck before passing out.

[44:52] He sees a can of his protein powder.

[44:56] What he then Blake then wakes up in his own mansion.

[45:01] Wait, before I want to give Dr. Blight credit.

[45:04] This is, I think, the third time that Dr. Blight has gone one on one with with Hulk

[45:07] Hogan.

[45:08] Each time I'm like, you don't have a chance.

[45:09] This kind of reedy Englishman.

[45:10] But, you know, I guess he's Scottish.

[45:11] But this is reedy character.

[45:12] But then he did it.

[45:13] He beat him.

[45:14] So, you know, I was wrong.

[45:15] Good on you, Dr. Blight.

[45:16] You used the geography around you in order to defeat a stronger opponent.

[45:17] And that's what a true master does.

[45:18] Yeah.

[45:19] When Hulk Hogan.

[45:20] He's read the art of war.

[45:21] Yeah.

[45:22] When Hulk Hogan wakes up in his mansion, you know, disoriented, thinking that it was all

[45:23] a dream and then like seeing himself in, you know, Santa outfit.

[45:24] This was, again, a moment where I was like, I don't know what to do.

[45:25] I don't know what to do.

[45:28] But it is pitched at a different level than I expected, because he really made me feel

[45:49] the horror of waking up, realizing that you've lost several days and not knowing what happened.

[45:57] Like it was a little he was a little too distressed for a movie like that to the same

[46:01] movie as Clint Howard's Policeman.

[46:03] Yeah.

[46:04] Yeah.

[46:05] So he Blake is concerned.

[46:07] He's starting to remember things and he's remembering what has happened over the last

[46:10] couple of days.

[46:11] There's blood on his hands.

[46:12] Why?

[46:13] Blood all over.

[46:14] And yeah, there's a scary note penned on his bathroom mirror.

[46:23] He's missing a kidney.

[46:24] He's going to wake up in a bathtub of ice.

[46:26] It's like I have muscles, but not all my organs.

[46:31] He tries to so he tries to call the orphanage.

[46:34] But Frost's goons intercept the call and try and scare him off by playing a recording that

[46:39] makes it seem like they don't want to see him anymore.

[46:42] The goons then show up at the orphanage.

[46:44] That's it.

[46:45] Come on now.

[46:46] Yeah.

[46:47] They start to round up the kids and adults.

[46:49] Even Ebner Frost shows up.

[46:51] He shows up in his full suit.

[46:53] He's like, you got me on set for two days.

[46:57] This is day number two.

[46:59] I will be at two different locations.

[47:01] And this is the other one.

[47:02] One of them has to be a house and the kids are around.

[47:06] I'm wearing the hazmat suit.

[47:10] They all go down to the vault, but they have to break in.

[47:15] Lenny calls up Blake, who is depressed, but he inspires him to save the day.

[47:21] So Blake gets his staff together.

[47:23] They all jump in the Jeep and they head out, of course, starting another high speed chase

[47:28] with police.

[47:30] And then they try and dissuade some of the police by throwing his various food supplements,

[47:34] his weight, his weightlifting supplements at the police cars.

[47:38] He and his staff break into the orphanage.

[47:42] Did you cut it?

[47:43] Did you skip the part where the police shoot a rocket launcher rocket at his car?

[47:48] Yeah.

[47:49] Do you want to describe it?

[47:50] I felt like there was there was no greater indictment of the over militarization of the

[47:55] police than this moment where one of them has a shoulder mounted rocket launcher that

[47:59] he fires at.

[48:00] Ostensibly, four civilians were guilty of nothing more than reckless driving.

[48:04] Luckily, they only destroyed Clint Howard's car, which leaving Clint Howard soot covered,

[48:09] but unscathed.

[48:10] Otherwise, it seemed like the movie was like it's like the movie had flop sweat on it was

[48:16] like, oh, what would make this exciting?

[48:17] This explosion.

[48:18] Oh, whatever.

[48:19] What do you need?

[48:20] Kids.

[48:21] What do you want?

[48:22] We'll see.

[48:23] Now, if another infamous producer made this, Jack Abramoff might have gotten one of those

[48:26] rocket launchers from one of the Mujahideen while making Rambo three and then run into

[48:31] this set.

[48:32] But instead, it's Jordan Belfort.

[48:33] So who the hell?

[48:34] No.

[48:35] And luckily, John Landis wasn't directing this or they would all throw a bunch of helicopters

[48:39] at those kids.

[48:40] Yeah.

[48:41] Hulk Hogan would have been murdered and we would still have Gawker to this day.

[48:44] And it's a good thing Max Landis didn't write it, because that's always a good thing.

[48:49] Yeah.

[48:50] OK, so they're at the orphanage, Blake, along with the help of the kids and his staff managed

[48:57] to pick apart the goon squad one by one.

[49:02] We get lots of laughs.

[49:03] It's hilarious.

[49:04] Let's see.

[49:05] OK, they beat up all the goons.

[49:08] Garrett Morris then takes Blake aside and reveals that Blake grew up at that orphanage.

[49:13] He had a different last name and that he was close friends with Ebner Frost, who was

[49:19] older than he was.

[49:22] Does he not know this already as some like residual amnesia or has he just put that so

[49:28] far behind him?

[49:29] Like, it's unclear, Daniel.

[49:30] I was so confused.

[49:31] It's unclear.

[49:32] It's unclear, yeah.

[49:33] Why once he had regained his memory, he was so surprised to be like, oh, OK, yeah, this

[49:39] guy I've been fighting, I know him and I grew up here.

[49:44] How many Ebners do you meet in the course of a lifetime?

[49:46] Yeah.

[49:47] Yeah.

[49:48] It is.

[49:49] It is a.

[49:50] This is another twist that took me by surprise.

[49:51] Not quite as big a surprise as the Cavern of Electric Jewels.

[49:55] But the idea that, oh, yeah, by the way, you don't remember you grew up here and he's not

[50:00] bad guy. He's your old best friend. It was like movie. What are you doing? It's it's

[50:04] his own prequel. Don't you remember you? You caused him to lose his hair in an accident

[50:10] and that's why he hates you to this day and also why if Garrett Morris was sitting on

[50:16] this information, why didn't he bring it up at any point when an amnesiac who thought

[50:20] he was Santa was living in his house with him? There were a couple of moments where

[50:24] he let slip little tidbits where you're like he knows more than he's letting on. That's

[50:28] why he's saving it all for the big reveal. I get a good point. Good point. Yeah. So Blake

[50:32] as a showdown with frost in the cavern, it's super exciting everybody and it leads to a

[50:40] growing explosion. So they all have to evacuate and then we see the entire orphanage building

[50:45] destroyed by a like magical electro implosion. Yeah, like it's sucked in on itself. It's

[50:51] kind of cool and it manages to convert this very real building into a series of obvious

[50:55] flats that have been arranged in the shape of a building. Yeah. And the police and reporters

[51:03] show up. They take away the goons. They interview everybody. Everybody has a good time. But

[51:08] wait, wait, the orphans have nowhere to live or do they? Because everyone moves in with

[51:13] Blake. Hooray. Yeah. A happy ending. He becomes a true Santa. Yeah. Like a real life Santa

[51:20] like all Bill. And I assume he's I assume he's going to run for Congress as a Republican

[51:24] since it's having questionable adoption practices in your house or with your family is a thing

[51:28] that they like to do. Yeah. And there is a little moment where they using a telescope

[51:34] spy on frost and his goons who are in some kind of like prison or hard time in some kind

[51:41] of coed prison because the because the lady henchman is there also and they're they're

[51:46] doing they're in striped uniforms like it's the most cartoonish prison they could be in.

[51:50] Yeah. And Blake. Yeah. They're they're looking at him through a telescope. The rest of this

[51:54] movie is after the realism of the movie. I was thrown off. Yeah. And and Blake looks

[51:59] to see what they're looking at is them in in prison. They all laugh. And I'm like, wow,

[52:04] you're really like teaching these children a great lesson of like just like take joy

[52:09] in your enemies pain. Yeah. Exult in the defeat of your opponents. Yeah. There was your childhood

[52:15] best friend. Yeah. There's no way that this billionaire would let there be a fucking prison

[52:22] that close to him. Right. No, no, no. We don't know how powerful that is. It's a very strong

[52:26] telescope. Oh, yeah. OK. OK. So we have that's the telescope from body double. So, you know,

[52:32] you can see anything. That's the best telescope. Santa with muscles. Let's do final judgments

[52:39] whether this is a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, a movie kind of like, guys, here's

[52:43] a thing that confounded me with this movie. Tell me why you loved it. And you cried at

[52:47] one point. No, I'm ready for it. Confounded me was like, how how do I rate this? Because

[52:53] it occurred to me that a normal human. One who had so not for me, not watch

[53:02] a billion bad movies in their lifetime and was not watching this alone,

[53:09] but was watching Santa with muscles the only way one should, which would be, you know,

[53:14] with a bunch of drunk friends at a holiday party like someone like that might really enjoy the

[53:22] experience of Santa with muscles because it is bizarre and miscalculated and a bunch of weird

[53:28] stuff happens. That said, me, Dan McCoy, the human who has seen a lot of these was pretty

[53:36] bored at a certain point. So, you know, since I believe in in criticism, you can't necessarily

[53:45] like speak to other people like I feel like you get into a dangerous area to speak to other people.

[53:50] Otherwise, no, no, just talking to yourself as you wander around your house. Yeah, I look.

[53:56] Or an alleyway. The reason I would be the reason I would be the kind of movie critic that people

[54:03] would get angry at all the time would be is like, I believe very strongly and only speaking to my

[54:08] subjective like experience of something rather than being like, I don't know, like, I think

[54:14] that once you start wondering, like how other people are going to react to something, you're

[54:17] getting into trouble. Personally, that's my philosophy. So if you want a real Armand White

[54:23] style letterbox, follow me and see like the whimsical star assignments I give things.

[54:29] Anyway, point is, for me, it was bad, bad because I got bored.

[54:32] But I recognize that for other people, it probably is a good bed.

[54:36] So thanks for that final judgment recommendation of your letterboxed.

[54:42] Now I'm trying to find Dan's letterbox review for Santa with, oh, two stars.

[54:49] I'm going to say I'm going to call this a good bad movie. Possibly that's because I watched this

[54:54] right after X versus set ballistic X versus ever, which we did last flop TV.

[54:58] And after that, just the fact that this had a plot I could I could grasp and characters that

[55:04] did things that made some modicum of sense that it may have gotten me on those fundamental levels.

[55:11] But I would say I could see this working as a good bad movie, not as a good movie.

[55:15] My my older son really wanted to watch this movie with me. He kept begging me

[55:18] to watch it alongside me. And I'm glad that I did not give into that.

[55:22] I think it would have been a waste of his time. I'd rather waste my time on this earth

[55:25] than his time on this. And then imagine the late embarrassment years later when he's like,

[55:31] I begged to watch that movie. Yeah. Why didn't you stop me?

[55:36] Where are my worries? I learned it from you, Dad.

[55:38] When you're a kid, sometimes you watch crap and then you love it because you watch as a kid that

[55:42] later he'll be like, oh, yeah, Santa with Muzzles is a good movie. Now, I'm curious.

[55:45] I'm curious, Elliot. Were you afraid of the content in Santa with Muzzles? Why? Why weren't

[55:50] you? Because this seems like if you're going to do it at any time, sure, let him watch Santa

[55:56] with Muzzles. I had two fears. One, my first fear that I would be wasting my son's time and my

[56:03] second fear that he would love it and he'd want to watch it from that point on. And I'd be like,

[56:06] what did I do? Like when you when I remember because I saw I caught him with a cigarette

[56:11] and I said, OK, you have to smoke a whole carton of cigarettes and cigarettes. And he's addicted

[56:14] to him now. He loves him. He's smoking cigars. That was a bad move. Parents don't do that.

[56:20] On breakfast all day, we do a regular cigarettes are cool.

[56:27] Our breakfast all day, we have a segment called Was It Great or Were You Eight?

[56:31] Because I think a lot of yeah, there's a lot of folks who carry these moves are like, oh,

[56:34] is it so awesome? It's like, wait, how old were you when you watched it? And have you watched it

[56:38] since? You know, not every movie is the Dark Crystal, which I loved it. I still love today.

[56:42] Fair enough. But yeah, yeah, no, they can be both, you know, but I think it's very good parenting on

[56:47] your behalf to like, you know, there's got to be some gatekeeping going on. It also didn't help

[56:52] that I just out of the older I get, the more I want to keep the amount of Christmas content that

[56:57] my children have are subjected to. They're already complaining that at the holiday concert at school,

[57:02] the every year there's one Hanukkah song and it's always sung by a class that my kid is not in.

[57:08] He's like, why don't I ever get to the Hanukkah? So the so I'm going to say not just not just I

[57:14] would if I was going to order a movie in a Spanish restaurant, I would not just say

[57:18] Santa seen muscles instead of Santa cone muscles. But I would say seen Santa,

[57:23] not calm Santa, because if any movie is going to make your kid Christian, it would be Santa.

[57:29] I want to be part of that. I'm so worried he would find a hilarious. I don't want that.

[57:32] I don't want to live in that world. Stu or Alonzo, what do you?

[57:37] Uh, yeah, OK. I guess I'll say good, bad. I mean, it's yeah, I mean, it's it's not well made.

[57:44] It's not particularly funny, but it's no, it's pretty silly. And yeah, I mean, it's not good.

[57:53] So I guess good, inclusive, I guess, you know, by eliminating all the other options, you've

[57:59] come to. Yeah, I'm a bad, bad on this one. I mean, I'm a I'm a famously soft touch for holiday stuff.

[58:06] I will be watching all 40 new Hallmark movies this year, but I have my limits and I'm a little

[58:13] older than y'all. So I don't have like any kind of childhood affection for Hulk Hogan to get me

[58:18] through it. So it's just a drag. But it is cool to see like, you know, Mila Kunis already perfecting

[58:29] her like stare. There's a moment where after she's given Hulk Hogan his newer, sexier outfit

[58:37] and Lenny goes, what about my clothes? And she's like, keep your pants on and walks away.

[58:41] And I just love she goes so quickly from friendly kid to acid kid in a moment. Yeah.

[58:52] If you're black, you probably love you some Paramore, huh? Or what about the TV show Golden

[58:56] Girls? Ginger Ale? Daytime television? Don't lie. I know you love at least one of them.

[59:02] I'm Sequoia Holmes, pop culturist and host of Black People Love Paramore. Contrary to the title,

[59:07] it is not a podcast about the band Paramore. Each episode, I along with a special guest co-host

[59:12] dissect one pop culture topic that mainstream media doesn't necessarily associate with black

[59:17] people, but we know we like. Tune in every other Thursday to the podcast that's dedicated to helping

[59:22] black people feel more seen. Black People of Paramore is now on the Maximum Fun Network.

[59:28] Check out the most recent episode featuring Shahr Jassel today.

[59:34] Throughout history, sirens have captured men's attention, enticed men with their feminine wiles

[59:39] and fulfill men's primal needs. The sirens allure. They have not. Unless the primal need is I need to

[59:45] be smashed on the rocks. Yeah, smash me. Smash me, mama. Smash me, mommy.

[59:55] The sirens allure. Why do we do this to ourselves?

[1:00:00] So yeah, this is my brother my brother me for maximum fun on Mondays, it's just like

[1:00:07] that.

[1:00:08] It's just like that but more of it, there's more of that.

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[1:03:45] Hey, enough about other people's products.

[1:03:47] What about the Flophouse's products?

[1:03:49] Yeah, that's right.

[1:03:50] The Flophouse has some stuff going on.

[1:03:51] As you heard at the top.

[1:03:52] Like this expired Flophouse ground meat.

[1:03:57] Here's some stuff we got laying around the house.

[1:03:59] Buy it from us.

[1:04:00] So as you heard earlier in the episode at the very top of the show, the Flophouse is

[1:04:04] going on tour.

[1:04:05] It's the Flophouse The Errors Tour.

[1:04:07] Four stops on the West Coast, the best coast.

[1:04:10] We're starting on January 24th, Wednesday in Vancouver.

[1:04:14] It's an international show at the Rio Theater and we're going to be talking about Cobra

[1:04:18] starring Sly Stallone himself.

[1:04:20] Will Sylvester Stallone show up?

[1:04:21] Well, I can't promise anything, but perhaps a mediocre impression of him will.

[1:04:26] Then the next night, Thursday, January 25th, we'll be in Portland, Oregon at the Aladdin

[1:04:30] Theater.

[1:04:31] We're going to be talking about Cool as Ice.

[1:04:33] Cool as Ice is back in a movie that he made 30 years ago and we're going to talk about

[1:04:38] it the next night, Friday, January 26th, we're going to be in San Francisco as part of San

[1:04:42] Francisco Sketch Fest.

[1:04:43] We're so excited to be a part of it at Cobb's Comedy Club and we're going to be talking

[1:04:46] about Gigli.

[1:04:48] Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez, one movie, two stars, a not very good title, Gigli.

[1:04:55] It's going to be epic.

[1:04:56] And then two days later, Sunday, January 28th, we'll be in Los Angeles at the Regent Theater

[1:05:03] and we're going to be talking about the movie that kicked off the superhero film craze,

[1:05:07] Spawn.

[1:05:09] What a trailblazer.

[1:05:10] So again, January 24th in Vancouver, Cobra, January 25th in Portland, Cool as Ice, January

[1:05:18] 26th in San Francisco, Gigli, and January 28th in L.A., Spawn.

[1:05:22] Go to FlophousePodcast.com slash events for links to tickets and more information.

[1:05:28] And hey, let's say you don't live on the West Coast.

[1:05:31] Let's say you don't love us enough to travel to the West Coast to see us.

[1:05:34] Well, I'm disappointed, but I understand.

[1:05:36] You can still see us broadcasting live in person through your computer screen by watching

[1:05:41] the last episode of Flop TV.

[1:05:44] There's only one episode left of the season.

[1:05:45] Flop TV, our online TV version of the Flophouse, January 6th, it's the first Saturday in January.

[1:05:52] We're going to be talking about a movie that has haunted me like a promise that I didn't

[1:05:55] keep and that's New Key.

[1:05:58] The German-South African ET ripoff co-production starring Glynnis Johns and Steve Railsback,

[1:06:03] the story of two alien brothers who are really annoying and they look terrible and everything

[1:06:09] about it is bad.

[1:06:10] That's going to be Saturday, January 6th, 9 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Pacific.

[1:06:14] Get your tickets at theflophouse.simpletics.com.

[1:06:17] Can't make it to the broadcast.

[1:06:18] Can't be there.

[1:06:19] Saturday, January 6th at 9 p.m. Eastern.

[1:06:21] That's okay.

[1:06:22] Your ticket gets you access to the recording, which goes up later that night.

[1:06:26] And if you get a season pass, you'll have access to all the episodes of Flop TV.

[1:06:29] That's six episodes of original Flophouse entertainment.

[1:06:33] Those episodes will be available to watch through the end of January when they will

[1:06:36] return to the Flophouse vault.

[1:06:38] And now, let's return to our show, The Flophouse.

[1:06:43] Let's move on to the next part of the show, which is Stu making hand noises.

[1:06:49] Oh, wait, no.

[1:06:51] It's called Foley work.

[1:06:52] It's letters.

[1:06:53] Dave Foley work.

[1:06:54] Yep.

[1:06:55] He's on Fargo now.

[1:06:56] He's working.

[1:06:57] Yep.

[1:06:58] I'm happy for him.

[1:06:59] Letters from listeners.

[1:07:00] This first letter is from Juniper, last name withheld, who writes, dearest floppers, I've

[1:07:07] been thinking of him again, Mel Brooks.

[1:07:11] That's that was the original.

[1:07:12] That was the original line.

[1:07:13] The beginning of Rebecca.

[1:07:14] Right.

[1:07:15] Yeah.

[1:07:16] Thinking of Mel Brooks again.

[1:07:17] Last night, I went to Melderly again.

[1:07:23] Dreamed I went to.

[1:07:25] I rewatched Spaceballs recently and remembered how much I love the gag where Dark Helmet

[1:07:31] learns about his subordinate, Major Asshole, and learns further that he is surrounded by

[1:07:37] assholes.

[1:07:38] That got me thinking about name jokes.

[1:07:40] And I wonder, my dear peaches, what are your favorite joke names in movies?

[1:07:45] References to Austin Powers are encouraged, but not required.

[1:07:50] Yours and floppy Juniper.

[1:07:52] Uh, I mean, I'm not I gotta say I'm not the biggest name joke fan.

[1:07:58] It seems like, you know, a dumb joke that breaks the reality.

[1:08:04] Listener.

[1:08:05] Thanks.

[1:08:06] I'm just talking about my personal.

[1:08:08] I will say I'm not a huge fan of name jokes that are like puns like the kind you get in

[1:08:14] Austin Powers.

[1:08:15] But I do like funny sounding names.

[1:08:16] And the first names that came to mind are my favorite comedy is the Miracle of Morgan's

[1:08:20] Creek, the Preston Sturgis movie.

[1:08:22] And Betty Hutton's character's name is Trudy Kockenlocker, which is just a funny sounding

[1:08:26] name.

[1:08:27] And much of the movie is her searching for a man named Ignatz Ratsky Watsky.

[1:08:31] And I think those are very funny names.

[1:08:32] And I laugh every time I hear them, but they don't.

[1:08:35] I agree with you.

[1:08:36] I rather, you know, I like the Marx Brothers style, like, you know, Dr.

[1:08:39] Hackenbush or whatever, like that kind of speed drift with that kind of thing.

[1:08:44] Yeah.

[1:08:45] Steve Martin is Michael Huffer.

[1:08:46] The man with two brains is a good one, I think.

[1:08:52] I guess it's not a name, quite a name joke, but in The Wrong Guy with Dave Foley, where

[1:08:58] he...

[1:08:59] You're mentioning the things that I was thinking of.

[1:09:00] Yeah.

[1:09:01] Can you explain it better than me then, Dan?

[1:09:04] I mean, it's just it's one of those gags that you see in movies all the time where, like,

[1:09:08] people are looking around the room to come up with a fake name.

[1:09:13] But he sees only the most inappropriate things that make it clear that he's doing a fake

[1:09:18] name.

[1:09:19] I almost know, like, I'm not getting more specific because I don't want to ruin it.

[1:09:22] I think people should just look up that scene.

[1:09:25] I'm sure it's hard to see The Wrong Guy, but I'm sure that that scene's got to be on YouTube.

[1:09:30] I will also give a shout out to Ned Beatty in Back to School as Dean Martin.

[1:09:36] That's pretty good.

[1:09:37] Yeah, that's good.

[1:09:38] At the college.

[1:09:39] Just because there's a scene where...

[1:09:40] It looks like it was just improvised where Rodney Dangerfield can't not laugh at the

[1:09:44] idea that this guy's name is Dean Martin.

[1:09:46] It's dumb, but it makes me laugh.

[1:09:48] Rodney Dangerfield, normally such a staid performer.

[1:09:52] Yes, hard to break.

[1:09:55] I watched Back to School recently, and so much of that movie...

[1:10:00] is just him doing bits and everybody reacting to him.

[1:10:04] And I mean, I know that's not a reveal,

[1:10:06] but like, there's something very silly.

[1:10:07] Like, you don't see a lot of movies these days

[1:10:09] where it's just one guy doing dumb shit

[1:10:12] and everyone's like, I guess we're just,

[1:10:14] a lot of cutaways to us smiling at him or laughing.

[1:10:16] Well, I do love that early Jim Carrey,

[1:10:19] that's what his movies were.

[1:10:20] Yeah.

[1:10:21] People just observing.

[1:10:23] Yeah, that feels like, I mean,

[1:10:24] speaking of the Marx Brothers,

[1:10:25] that feels like a throwback to Marx Brothers to me,

[1:10:28] just to have like Rodney Dangerfield rolls into a party,

[1:10:32] doing like bits, like to an unseen audience,

[1:10:36] while everyone around him reacts and-

[1:10:39] Adrian Varmo is his Margaret Dumont.

[1:10:41] Yeah.

[1:10:43] I feel that's the kind of comedy I miss a little bit of,

[1:10:46] is a comedy where there's a character

[1:10:48] who's just kind of doing stuff like that,

[1:10:50] as opposed to like-

[1:10:52] We call it schtick.

[1:10:53] Yeah, schtick.

[1:10:53] Yeah, schtick, doing schtick,

[1:10:54] as opposed to the more, let's say,

[1:10:56] like riff-based comedy,

[1:10:58] where characters are riffing together.

[1:11:00] I like when someone comes in and does written schtick

[1:11:02] and other characters,

[1:11:03] like this is something that used to bother me

[1:11:05] in the Marx Brothers, but now I like it,

[1:11:06] is that characters are super offended

[1:11:07] by what Groucho just said,

[1:11:08] and then they instantly forget it

[1:11:10] and are charmed by him until he says the next thing,

[1:11:12] and then they're offended for a moment again,

[1:11:15] and they never leave the conversation.

[1:11:17] Like, they all have memories of Goldfish.

[1:11:19] Yeah.

[1:11:22] It really heightens the artifice,

[1:11:24] that they'll be like,

[1:11:25] oh, oh, well, I never, anyway, continue.

[1:11:27] There will always be that turn

[1:11:29] when, like, suddenly, when he's talking to Mark Dumani,

[1:11:31] he'll be like,

[1:11:32] but can't you see what I'm trying to tell you

[1:11:33] is that I love you?

[1:11:35] Oh, well.

[1:11:38] Professor Firefly.

[1:11:41] Okay, this next letter is from Tracy,

[1:11:44] last name withheld.

[1:11:45] It's more educational than it is questioning.

[1:11:49] Okay.

[1:11:50] Stuart solicited romance recommendations,

[1:11:53] but did not specify sub-genre,

[1:11:55] so I will recommend A Lady of Rooksgrave Manor

[1:11:59] by Catherine Moon, which is a PNR slash RH.

[1:12:04] Does that mean it's one of those books

[1:12:06] where a lady has sex with a velociraptor?

[1:12:08] Hope so.

[1:12:09] Well, close.

[1:12:10] Start tingling.

[1:12:11] Apparently, that stands for

[1:12:13] paranormal romance slash reverse harem,

[1:12:17] aka more than one male love interest for a female lead.

[1:12:21] Since Stuart likes monsters,

[1:12:23] a real harem scare-em, if it's paranormal.

[1:12:26] Since it's a human woman happily getting down

[1:12:28] with a series of monsters starting from, like, page 10.

[1:12:32] It's a romance and not straight erotica

[1:12:34] because they all have a H-E-A,

[1:12:37] happily ever after, together.

[1:12:39] Also, it is a well-written book

[1:12:40] and occasionally something other than sex happens.

[1:12:43] You can skim those parts.

[1:12:44] Since you're just starting in the romance genre,

[1:12:46] I thought you might appreciate learning some of the codes.

[1:12:49] I started reading romance during the pandemic

[1:12:52] and for a while there, I didn't know what any of them meant.

[1:12:54] Happy reading, Tracy.

[1:12:55] Now see, you can enjoy both romance and cryptic codes.

[1:13:01] Yeah, yeah, I like cryptic codes.

[1:13:03] I will say, me mentioning a new interest in romance fiction

[1:13:07] has been the most listener engagement I've ever had.

[1:13:10] Oh, I'm sorry, did I add too much to your?

[1:13:13] No, it's great, I love it.

[1:13:15] My reading list has gotten longer, though.

[1:13:19] But that's great, thank you so much.

[1:13:22] Somehow, when I first developed my love

[1:13:24] of Czech New Wave cinema,

[1:13:25] it did not result in the same kind of average of replies.

[1:13:28] Where are the letters, I ask you?

[1:13:30] Yeah.

[1:13:32] Let us move on to the final segment

[1:13:35] where we give our recommendations of movies

[1:13:40] that we've watched and enjoyed recently.

[1:13:45] I wanna recommend-

[1:13:46] It's a segment we call A View for You.

[1:13:50] We could start calling it that.

[1:13:53] Okay, Alex, go back and add this to every single episode.

[1:13:56] In passing, because this is our Christmas episode,

[1:14:04] I'm just gonna mention,

[1:14:04] this is not really my recommendation,

[1:14:06] but Audrey and I watched

[1:14:08] The Most Wonderful Time of the Year from 2008.

[1:14:11] And on the sliding scale

[1:14:13] of made-for-television Christmas things,

[1:14:17] this was some pap that went down easy,

[1:14:19] thanks to Henry Winkler giving it way more

[1:14:22] than needed for this kind of movie,

[1:14:26] just showing what a gem he is.

[1:14:28] Once again, a Jewish person

[1:14:30] making Christmas content that people love.

[1:14:32] Making Christmas, but-

[1:14:35] Yeah, all those monsters were Jewish, too.

[1:14:37] Yeah, Halloween Town is a shtetl.

[1:14:40] I finally caught up to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,

[1:14:44] Mutant Mayhem, which I had wanted to see in the theater,

[1:14:47] because I'd heard good things,

[1:14:48] but didn't manage to,

[1:14:50] but really enjoyed it and was really surprised by,

[1:14:53] like, I wouldn't have thought that what I needed

[1:14:56] out of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie was more heart.

[1:14:59] Like, I never would have thought, like,

[1:15:02] oh, that's the winning ingredient,

[1:15:03] because it just doesn't seem like that sort of thing.

[1:15:06] But, you know, turns out that adding relatable characters

[1:15:11] and making you care about them

[1:15:12] is the secret ingredient to most narrative.

[1:15:17] And I really just appreciated how they felt like,

[1:15:21] in this case, they were like,

[1:15:22] let's lean on the teen part

[1:15:23] of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

[1:15:26] and tell kind of a weirdly relatable story

[1:15:31] about how they feel lonely

[1:15:35] and what they do to counteract that.

[1:15:38] And, you know, it looks really pretty.

[1:15:43] It's a lot of fun.

[1:15:43] I did, you know, like, there was a bit where,

[1:15:46] like, we've talked about a lot on the show.

[1:15:48] I've started to check out more in action movies,

[1:15:52] unless the action is really, like, cleverly done.

[1:15:55] And so there was, like, some parts of it

[1:15:57] where I'm like, ah, I'm less interested in this.

[1:15:59] Get back to the stuff about them being, like,

[1:16:01] cute teen turtles, but-

[1:16:03] It's the movie that I feel like has best cap,

[1:16:05] of all the Ninja Turtles things,

[1:16:07] it's best captured what I like best

[1:16:09] about the Turtles comics when they're done well,

[1:16:11] which is they feel like a family of brothers.

[1:16:13] Splinter is their dad.

[1:16:14] Like, where they're not just,

[1:16:16] it's less about them as a team of ninjas

[1:16:18] and more about that they're four brothers

[1:16:20] who have grown up together and they care about each other.

[1:16:22] And that really comes across in the movie,

[1:16:23] which is really nice.

[1:16:24] Yeah, so, you know, a lot of fun, very sweet.

[1:16:27] That's one I took my older son to,

[1:16:29] and he really liked it,

[1:16:30] and I want to keep him watching movies like that

[1:16:32] and not Santa with muscles, so.

[1:16:34] Good point.

[1:16:35] And part of the sweep of Iowa debris this year

[1:16:38] between The Bear on FX and Bottoms,

[1:16:44] which is one of my favorite movies this year.

[1:16:46] I didn't love Theater Camp, but she's fun in it,

[1:16:48] and she's the new April O'Neil.

[1:16:52] She's so good in everything,

[1:16:53] and a good Letterboxd follow.

[1:16:57] Oh, okay, man.

[1:16:59] Dan, are you gonna be paid by Letterboxd?

[1:17:01] What's going on?

[1:17:02] I like Letterboxd.

[1:17:02] He fucking should be, dude.

[1:17:03] Sponsor him.

[1:17:07] If you were gonna be an influencer of anything,

[1:17:09] it would be either that or like baking products.

[1:17:11] Yeah, yeah.

[1:17:14] I feel you'd be great at both of those things.

[1:17:15] Breadboxd.

[1:17:18] Okay, I guess I'll go next.

[1:17:22] What should I recommend?

[1:17:23] Should I recommend a gross movie or a good movie?

[1:17:27] That's a question you're still answering for yourself.

[1:17:29] Okay, I'm still trying to answer.

[1:17:29] You guys, someone else go.

[1:17:32] I'll go then.

[1:17:33] I'm gonna recommend, I saw yesterday,

[1:17:35] the movie everybody's talking about,

[1:17:37] probably the best movie of the year,

[1:17:38] coming out this year, right at the end.

[1:17:40] That's right, Godzilla Minus One.

[1:17:42] This is the new Japanese Godzilla movie,

[1:17:44] directed by Takashi Yamazaki,

[1:17:47] and it is set, I don't wanna tell you too much about it,

[1:17:49] but it's set right after World War II,

[1:17:52] and Godzilla is at his best when he is a metaphor,

[1:17:56] as with all monsters and horror things.

[1:17:58] In this one, it is very much about

[1:18:01] overcoming the trauma of Japan's experience

[1:18:03] in World War II, and also overcoming the trauma

[1:18:05] of the national philosophy

[1:18:09] that they had during that war,

[1:18:11] and to watch a movie that is very much

[1:18:13] on the side of life against the honorable death aspects

[1:18:19] that are even there in the original Godzilla,

[1:18:22] and it's got a lot of, as Dan was saying

[1:18:24] with that Ninja Turtles movie, it's got a lot of heart.

[1:18:26] It's very focused on the human characters

[1:18:28] and their experience, but the Godzilla scenes

[1:18:31] are genuinely very scary and very devastating,

[1:18:35] and it really plays off of the original film

[1:18:39] in a lot of ways.

[1:18:40] It uses a number of the songs from the score

[1:18:42] of the original film in some really powerful ways,

[1:18:45] and I really liked it.

[1:18:46] It's exactly what I wanted from a Godzilla movie,

[1:18:48] which is a certain amount of awe

[1:18:50] and a certain amount of character

[1:18:52] and a certain amount of just like.

[1:18:53] A certain amount of claw.

[1:18:54] A certain amount of claw, yeah, awe and claw.

[1:18:57] Elliot, can you just cut to the end

[1:19:00] and tell me how chonky is Godzilla in this movie?

[1:19:03] Stu, you are gonna be happy as a clam.

[1:19:05] He is super chonky.

[1:19:07] So you first see Godzilla when he's,

[1:19:08] I'll spoil one thing is that the first time

[1:19:10] you see Godzilla, it is a younger Godzilla.

[1:19:12] He's a little more lithe, but by the time

[1:19:14] you get your real Godzilla character,

[1:19:16] they have seen the American Godzilla

[1:19:18] and they have taken it up a notch

[1:19:19] in the arm to thigh ratio.

[1:19:21] Those arms are small and those thighs are bonkers.

[1:19:25] They are thick, yeah, and his head's little.

[1:19:28] So yeah, this is a very, you're gonna be very happy.

[1:19:31] He's trying to get confused about your interest in Godzilla.

[1:19:34] Godzilla never skips leg day.

[1:19:36] I actually went to see it last night

[1:19:37] with a friend of the podcast, Brendan Hay,

[1:19:39] and I said when the movie was over,

[1:19:40] I'm like, I said, Stu is gonna like this Godzilla design.

[1:19:46] That sounds great.

[1:19:47] Stu, happy to.

[1:19:48] Yeah, I can go, fuck it.

[1:19:49] Okay.

[1:19:51] I'm gonna recommend two movies.

[1:19:53] I hope I'm not sniping our guest again.

[1:19:56] I am going to recommend a Argentinian horror movie.

[1:20:00] I saw a little while ago called when evil lurks, uh, it's a gross one.

[1:20:05] Um, it just hits shutter.

[1:20:07] It is about a pair of brothers who, uh, discover a infected, uh, a big guy

[1:20:14] infected with a demon and they're like, let's just chuck him out the,

[1:20:17] chuck him down the road.

[1:20:19] Unfortunately, that does not end things.

[1:20:21] And, uh, it kind of has the vibe of like, kind of like an evil dead, but

[1:20:26] there's a little bit of rules, but you don't quite know what those rules are.

[1:20:30] Uh, so there's mayhem and it's gross.

[1:20:32] Like there's genuinely fucked up, gross stuff in it.

[1:20:35] Uh, but it also feels like there's, I don't know.

[1:20:37] It feels like there's a little bit of a, like, uh, uh, like a, a set

[1:20:42] of rules and like, uh, a plan involved.

[1:20:45] It isn't just mayhem for mayhem sake.

[1:20:47] And when does evil lurk?

[1:20:48] Like, uh, the whole time or not, who knows lurking.

[1:20:54] But it, uh, yeah, it's, uh, at a certain point lurking becomes shirking.

[1:20:59] Let's say there's a certain amount of bleakness to it, but I feel like, uh, it,

[1:21:05] uh, I think it overcomes it by still having some fun, gross stuff.

[1:21:09] And it, it doesn't feel as mean spirited as it could feel.

[1:21:13] Uh, and I'm going to recommend, uh, a good movie called the holdovers,

[1:21:17] which I haven't recommended yet, which I saw the other day.

[1:21:19] I loved it.

[1:21:20] Paul Giamatti is great.

[1:21:22] Uh, divine, uh, wait, what's her name?

[1:21:24] Thank you.

[1:21:25] She is great.

[1:21:27] Uh, the whole cast is great.

[1:21:28] It's so much fun.

[1:21:29] Uh, it was like, I saw it right before Thanksgiving and I was in

[1:21:33] kind of a weird place emotionally.

[1:21:35] And it was kind of the balm that I needed at the time.

[1:21:39] Like it was something very homey about it.

[1:21:41] Uh, and obviously I'm a sucker for seventies stuff and any movie where

[1:21:46] characters are drinking Jim Beam and Miller Highlife gets a thumbs up from me.

[1:21:50] Uh, so yeah, that's all.

[1:21:54] Those are the only criteria I need.

[1:21:56] I wish I'd love to say my movie for Stewart's contingent.

[1:21:59] I'd love to say any movie where they eat Popeye's is fine with me, but little

[1:22:02] Nicky is the one movie where they really go all out, but they still haven't

[1:22:06] talked about it yet.

[1:22:06] Supergirl has a prominent Popeye's scene.

[1:22:11] Yes, that's true.

[1:22:11] They go there on a date, a daytime date of a group of friends.

[1:22:14] Yeah.

[1:22:18] Nice.

[1:22:19] Well, listen, Pat, you've Argentina reminded me.

[1:22:21] There's a really great movie out called the delinquents.

[1:22:24] That is the Argentine entry for the Oscars that I highly recommend.

[1:22:27] Uh, but I, we're at the time of year where for me, like, uh, as we're recording

[1:22:32] this, I'm about to vote with LA film critics.

[1:22:34] I'm about to put together my top 10 list.

[1:22:36] I've been looking back at the year and a movie that I really love this year that

[1:22:39] I kind of feel like a lot of people didn't see or aren't talking about, or

[1:22:43] maybe just liked less than me.

[1:22:44] I don't know, but I want to recommend that anyway.

[1:22:47] It's an Italian film called limit, which one?

[1:22:50] Barbie.

[1:22:51] Have you heard about Barbie?

[1:22:53] You guys.

[1:22:54] I know the Italian film called laments atop, uh, it stars Penelope Cruz.

[1:22:58] She plays, uh, the mother of a trans son, but no one understands that this kid is

[1:23:05] trans because it's the early 1970s.

[1:23:07] And so they keep dead naming him.

[1:23:10] And, uh, Penelope Cruz is maybe the sort of the one character who kind of figures

[1:23:14] out what is going on with her oldest child.

[1:23:16] And there's other things happening in the home and in the family that are

[1:23:19] complicated, but it's mainly about this kid sort of figuring his way out in the

[1:23:23] world and having these really great fantasy musical sequences.

[1:23:28] And also these musical sequences that are not fantasy, but it's just like, Hey,

[1:23:32] we're going to put a record on and set the table.

[1:23:33] And the director turns that into this sort of like cool musical dancey

[1:23:38] choreographed moment in the midst of this, otherwise fairly realistic drama.

[1:23:43] The early seventies production design is just like spot on, like the group of

[1:23:48] Italian moms took me back to like being a kid in the early seventies and like my

[1:23:52] parents and their friends who were all like immigrants from Spain or other places.

[1:23:57] Um, it's really moving.

[1:23:58] The director is also trans and I think there's a, there's an

[1:24:01] autobiographical nature to the film.

[1:24:04] Um, but yeah, it is just a, a wonderful movie.

[1:24:07] It is currently streaming.

[1:24:09] If you are a subscriber to prime video, if you get hoopla through your library,

[1:24:13] you can watch it for free.

[1:24:14] Otherwise it is rentable.

[1:24:16] But, um, yeah, the director is, uh, Emmanuel Criolase and it's one of my

[1:24:20] faves of the year.

[1:24:21] So yeah.

[1:24:21] Laments at Taj.

[1:24:22] Check it out.

[1:24:23] I'm looking forward to watch that.

[1:24:24] I, I was not familiar with it at all.

[1:24:25] If it had Godzilla in it, maybe I would have heard about it.

[1:24:27] Well, I mean, and Godzilla is immense.

[1:24:30] You know, you might mislead you into thinking there's no demons in it, right?

[1:24:36] There's no demons that eat brains or anything.

[1:24:38] Uh, only if you count the patriarchy.

[1:24:40] Okay.

[1:24:41] The ultimate brain eating demon.

[1:24:43] Yeah.

[1:24:43] Now, Alonzo, before we sign off, I know you do like 80 different things, so I

[1:24:49] would like to afford you some space to plug a few of them or all of them.

[1:24:54] As mentioned, yes, I write reviews for the filmverdict.com.

[1:24:58] Um, I do a whole bunch of podcasts, including linoleum knife with my husband,

[1:25:02] Dave white here on the maximum fun network.

[1:25:05] I'm one of the hosts of maximum film.

[1:25:07] Uh, Christie Lemire and I have a show called breakfast all day that you can

[1:25:09] watch on YouTube or subscribe to.

[1:25:11] As a podcast and I make very regular appearances on deck, the Hallmark,

[1:25:15] usually talking about non Hallmark, non lifetime made for TV, Christmas movies.

[1:25:21] Um, and tis the season to once again, mention that I wrote a book called

[1:25:25] have yourself a movie, little Christmas.

[1:25:27] I also co-wrote a book with the deck, the Hallmark guys called

[1:25:29] I'll be home for Christmas movies.

[1:25:31] That's that latter one is about Hallmark movies specifically.

[1:25:33] The other one is more about Christmas movies in general.

[1:25:36] It's always a delight to be here.

[1:25:38] I'm going to put in a request for next December.

[1:25:40] That I want an Elliot letter song.

[1:25:42] Cause I never get one.

[1:25:43] I've been, I've been, I've been taking some time cause, uh, cause I, you know,

[1:25:48] I want to make it special, but I'll do it for you.

[1:25:49] I want to witness that magic, you know, IRL.

[1:25:52] And so I put it out there for careful, literally be careful what you wish for.

[1:25:56] It's the monkey's paw is curling as we speak.

[1:25:59] Elliot saving his voice to be called up to be the new vocalist for kiss when

[1:26:03] they reform without the original members, since they just had their final show.

[1:26:07] I saw someone online ask, like, has the letter song officially been retired?

[1:26:11] I haven't heard one while and I, I restrained from engaging, but I was like,

[1:26:17] I think I still thought to myself, no, I think that the letter song is something

[1:26:20] that Elliot didn't want to be trapped into as an obligation.

[1:26:25] I found myself, I found myself repeating myself a little bit more than I

[1:26:28] should have, but I found myself repeating myself a little bit more than I should

[1:26:31] have, but I found myself repeating myself a little bit more than I should have.

[1:26:35] I found myself repeating myself a little bit more than I would have

[1:26:37] liked with the letter songs.

[1:26:38] And so I think the time, I think 2024 is when I'm going to be, when I bring them

[1:26:42] back, but I'm going to try to do it in a new way or something that, I mean, in a

[1:26:45] new way, it's still going to be the same basic thing, but I don't want to paint

[1:26:48] you into an aesthetic corner.

[1:26:49] I understand that you are a creative person and you need to follow them.

[1:26:53] Use where it takes you.

[1:26:54] But you know, sometimes we just want to hear the hits.

[1:26:56] I appreciate the exact as, as the late, the late, uh, Lemmy said when people

[1:27:01] asked him, are you tired of playing ace of spades at every single motorhead

[1:27:04] concert?

[1:27:05] He said, yeah, but if I went to see little Richard, I want to see him do

[1:27:07] Tutti frutti.

[1:27:08] So I get it.

[1:27:09] Like you want, you want to hear the song that you like from the person.

[1:27:11] So I'll do it.

[1:27:12] I'll be back.

[1:27:12] You know what?

[1:27:13] Yeah.

[1:27:13] 2024 it's the year of the letters song.

[1:27:15] You know what?

[1:27:16] Nothing but letters songs.

[1:27:17] The whole episode.

[1:27:19] So I can retire.

[1:27:21] I mean, I guess if he's just singing.

[1:27:23] Um, uh, and before we go, we should say, uh, thank you to maximum fun.

[1:27:29] Uh, there's a lot of great podcasts on there.

[1:27:32] Some of them with Alonzo go to maximum fun.org.

[1:27:36] Uh, check that out.

[1:27:37] Thank you to Alex Smith, our producer.

[1:27:40] Um, he goes by how old Dottie all over the internet.

[1:27:45] Just, just look him up.

[1:27:46] Um, he just goes all over the internet.

[1:27:48] He just goes, let's rip.

[1:27:51] Yeah.

[1:27:51] It doesn't care who has to clean it up.

[1:27:52] Yeah.

[1:27:53] If you have the time, uh, go to, uh, iTunes, leave us a review.

[1:27:59] It really does help.

[1:28:00] It's, it's, it's, you know, they got algorithms or rhythms and stuff.

[1:28:04] You know, these guys, five stars, they've earned it.

[1:28:07] We've been just grinding away guys.

[1:28:10] Just, you know, even if you don't like us, just, uh, you know, for the hustle.

[1:28:16] Yeah.

[1:28:17] It's just for pity.

[1:28:18] Just for pity that we've locked ourselves in this bad movie cage.

[1:28:21] Yeah.

[1:28:21] We're, we're, we're on Instagram.

[1:28:24] Um, trying to send people over there so we can abandon more

[1:28:29] hateful, uh, social media.

[1:28:32] Are there any social media places that are run by billionaire madmen?

[1:28:37] Well, all of them, but at least, at least, you know, not vocal.

[1:28:42] Uh, and a letter box is going, they might introduce a DM feature.

[1:28:47] Dan is salivating.

[1:28:54] I'm happy to find a place to talk to people that isn't suffused with hatred.

[1:28:58] Let me see letterbox.

[1:28:59] What's the number one movie of all time.

[1:29:00] According to a tribe of the will.

[1:29:02] Oh no, no, no.

[1:29:04] It's a wonder if we didn't just slip into my DMs.

[1:29:09] Uh, I don't know.

[1:29:10] I think I've done all the business.

[1:29:12] So I'll just, uh, sign off for the flop house.

[1:29:15] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:29:16] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:29:18] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:29:19] And I'm thankful to have our guest Alonzo Duraldi.

[1:29:23] Bye.

[1:29:24] Oh, God.

[1:29:28] Terrible.

[1:29:28] I don't like it.

[1:29:30] Seemed like something was bad.

[1:29:31] Bad was happening to you.

[1:29:36] Thanks so much for joining us again, Alonzo.

[1:29:37] Thanks for having me.

[1:29:38] This is, this is now officially like part of my, my December.

[1:29:42] Is it really happening?

[1:29:44] Yeah, this is annual.

[1:29:46] We have two correspondents.

[1:29:47] You are a Christmas correspondent and Jamel Bui is our hedgehog correspondent.

[1:29:52] That's true.

[1:29:54] So it's good to have a niche.

[1:29:56] Yeah.

[1:29:56] For when we do the life story of Ron Jeremy.

[1:30:00] That's true. That was his nickname, Adrian Brody in a role that will surprise you.

[1:30:07] Yeah. He put on all that weight to play the part.

[1:30:13] He had to extend his penis just to play the part.

[1:30:16] I don't know. He looks like he's back.

[1:30:18] Yeah. Adrian Brody is pretty tall and thin. Yeah.

[1:30:21] I think it's the nose that makes you think that.

[1:30:24] Yeah. Yeah. Well, there's a natural symmetry that way.

[1:30:27] Yeah.

[1:30:29] I'm very scared that this is what Alex is going to put at the end of the episode.

Ep. #411 - Santa with Muscles, with Alonso Duralde

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