FH Mini 95 - The Best Christmas Podcast Ever

Elliott Kalan

[0:00] Hi, floppers. Before we start our regular nonsense, we wanted to make sure you knew the Flophouse is going on a four-city West Coast tour this January.

[0:08] It's the Flophouse Errors Tour, the biggest event in pop culture entertainment this year, probably.

[0:15] You can see us in Vancouver on Wednesday, January 24th at the Rio Theater.

[0:18] In Portland on Thursday, January 25th at the Aladdin Theater.

[0:22] In San Francisco on Friday, January 26th at Cobb's Comedy Club as part of San Francisco Sketch Fest.

[0:28] And in Los Angeles on Sunday, January 28th at the Regent Theater.

[0:32] For tickets, go to flophousepodcast.com slash events.

[0:36] Again, that's flophousepodcast.com slash events.

[0:40] The Flophouse Live. It's like the podcast, but you can smell us.

[0:43] And now, without further ado, our regular nonsense.

[0:50] Hey, everybody. Welcome to The Flophouse.

[0:53] The Flophouse podcast, that is, a podcast in which we normally watch a bad movie

[0:57] and then talk about it.

[0:59] But today, that's not what we're doing.

[1:01] This episode, it's an alternate week.

[1:03] So instead, we are doing a Flophouse mini.

[1:06] That's where we can do kind of whatever we want.

[1:08] We're not fixed to one specific movie.

[1:10] We can talk about a topic.

[1:12] We can play a game.

[1:13] We can solve the world's problems.

[1:15] And I thought, I'd like to do a little thing.

[1:18] It's where kids can be a kid.

[1:19] It is where kids can be a kid.

[1:21] Adults can be adults.

[1:22] The elderly can be the elderly.

[1:24] Yeah.

[1:24] I think that covers everybody, right?

[1:25] Yeah, be yourself, man.

[1:26] Yeah, be yourself.

[1:27] Unless yourself is a dick.

[1:29] In which case, be a better person than yourself.

[1:31] Yeah.

[1:32] Don't do that.

[1:33] Yeah.

[1:34] So that's what this episode is all about, is who are you going to be?

[1:37] Dan, you've got some problems.

[1:38] We're going to help you make them better.

[1:40] Oh, okay.

[1:40] That's not what we're doing.

[1:42] Although, becoming a better person is in the spirit of the season.

[1:46] That's right.

[1:46] This mini episode is coming out right before Christmas, also known as Xmas.

[1:51] And if you're sexy, triple Xmas.

[1:53] Or if you're Vin Diesel, I guess, triple Xmas.

[1:56] So I think it's-

[1:56] Yeah, X versus Sever-ness.

[1:58] Technically sexy.

[2:00] Xmas versus Sever-ness.

[2:01] Xmas versus Sever.

[2:03] So since it's coming out right before Christmas, I thought, who better than the only Jewish

[2:07] member of the podcast to take the reins of Santa's sleigh and run the show for the episode?

[2:13] Great.

[2:14] Growing up as a Jewish kid, the only way I learned about Christmas was through the movies

[2:18] and TV specials.

[2:20] The movies.

[2:21] And also regular Christmas episodes of shows.

[2:24] And the decorations in stores.

[2:26] And also the decorations on public city property.

[2:29] Oh, yeah.

[2:29] And also every song playing on the radio all the time.

[2:33] Yeah.

[2:33] And also the songs they made us sing in school.

[2:35] Again, public schools funded by the Jewish.

[2:37] Yeah.

[2:38] Yeah.

[2:38] Basically, there was no escaping Christmas.

[2:40] But for the purpose of this episode, let's stick to the idea that movies are what taught

[2:43] me about Christmas.

[2:45] Guys, here's the thing about Christmas movies.

[2:48] Tell me what are the things that you would find in a normal Christmas movie.

[2:52] What comes to mind when I say Christmas movie to you guys?

Stuart Wellington

[2:55] Well, you got to have a Nakatomi Plaza and a John McClane.

Dan McCoy

[2:59] You got to?

[3:00] You got to have that.

[3:01] You got to have Shane Black behind the camera.

[3:04] What comes to mind?

[3:06] I mean, there's all the normal trappings of Christmas.

[3:09] You got Christmas trees and Santa and whatnot.

[3:13] So there's that stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[3:13] That's when Admiral Ackbar says, it's a trappings of Christmas.

[3:17] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[3:18] I mean, thematically, what's in Christmas?

[3:21] I mean, usually it's, you know, someone learns a lesson about something.

Elliott Kalan

[3:26] Yeah.

[3:26] Someone learns a lesson about something.

[3:28] I'll tell you what they don't learn a lesson about, though, unless they're watching, I guess,

[3:31] that Charlie Brown Christmas special, is they don't tell you much about Christmas.

[3:35] They don't tell you much about what you're actually celebrating in Christmas.

Dan McCoy

[3:37] They tell you what Christmas time is all about, Charlie Brown.

[3:39] They tell you.

[3:40] Like, there's a whole point.

[3:41] There's a part where someone, where Ladis gets in the spotlight.

[3:44] Tells you exactly that.

Elliott Kalan

[3:45] I'm saying in that one thing, they do.

[3:46] But in most Christmas movies, they do not do that.

[3:48] Everywhere there's kind of two kinds of Christmas movies.

[3:51] The family get together where there's mishaps of some kind.

[3:54] The two Christmas stories, jingles all the way, Christmas with the cramps.

[3:58] Where is it?

[3:59] The cranks.

[4:00] The cranks.

[4:00] I don't know.

[4:01] Christmas with the cramps.

[4:01] Four Christmases, I assume.

[4:03] I've never seen it.

[4:04] Maybe at least two of those Four Christmases.

[4:06] Or there's the Christmas movies where there's some kind of supernatural force that teaches

[4:09] someone a lesson.

[4:11] The Santa Claus, the Family Man.

[4:13] I assume Elf.

[4:13] I've never seen it.

[4:14] Miracle on 34th Street.

[4:15] Yeah, Miracle on 34th Street.

[4:17] Yeah, exactly.

[4:18] Gremlins.

[4:19] There's also, now, there is a third kind, the Hallmark Christmas movie, but that's its

[4:22] own thing.

[4:23] I don't want to get into that.

[4:24] That's like, Hallmark is like Monster Island or North Korea.

[4:27] It's like a closed system cut off from the rest of the world that follows its own rules.

[4:30] And I don't want, so, see, so, here's the thing.

Stuart Wellington

[4:35] And you would be silly to try and claim that you are some kind of expert on Hallmark Christmas

[4:40] movies.

[4:41] There are plenty of other people who are better at that than us.

Elliott Kalan

[4:44] That I know personally.

[4:45] There's at least one that I know personally that I'm friends with.

[4:48] And so, if you have any questions about Hallmark Christmas movies, please direct them to

[4:51] Alonzo Duralde.

[4:52] Yeah.

[4:53] Don't ask me because I won't know the answer.

[4:55] Yeah, just send them out a letter with all your questions.

[4:59] So, if I was going to say.

[5:00] Address to the North Pole.

[5:02] Where Alonzo lives.

[5:03] Where he lives all year round.

[5:06] It seems like Christmas movies are about, like, these are the things you would learn from

[5:11] Christmas movies.

[5:12] It's important to be with your family, right?

[5:14] It's better to be a good person than a rich person that shows up in Christmas movies.

[5:17] That Santa is magic.

[5:19] That Christmas is some kind of universal force that all people of all religions are buoyed

[5:24] by this time of year.

[5:26] It's just general jeer and jeer and don't.

[5:27] Don't kill yourself.

Dan McCoy

[5:28] Your life had meaning.

[5:30] Yes.

[5:30] That's the message.

Elliott Kalan

[5:31] That Christmas tells you your life has meaning.

[5:32] And also that suicide rates go up around the holidays.

[5:35] That's something that Christmas movies tell us.

[5:38] But they're not really about Christmas, right?

[5:39] By these standards, the greatest Christmas movie of all time is probably Groundhog Day.

[5:44] Which teaches you those same lessons, but without all the Christmas crap getting there.

[5:49] Right.

[5:49] Without, like, a Santa.

[5:50] Okay, okay.

[5:51] I mean, it's a Groundhog Day.

Dan McCoy

[5:52] So you want to put the Christ back at Christmas is what you're saying, Elliot.

[5:57] Exactly.

[5:57] That's what I'm saying.

Elliott Kalan

[5:58] It's time to put, I don't want to make, it's not Christmas.

[6:01] It should be Mos Christ.

[6:02] We need Mos Christ in these movies.

[6:04] Oh, I see.

[6:04] And so I don't know the story.

[6:05] So can you guys tell me, I might be wrong.

[6:08] So Christmas is essentially like a worldwide gender reveal party, right?

[6:12] Or is that, am I wrong?

[6:13] What's the, tell me the Christmas story.

[6:15] What's the main story of Christmas story?

Dan McCoy

[6:18] I mean, I guess, yeah, I guess the, I mean, yeah, I guess she gets the vision, right?

[6:25] She's like told she's going to have a son.

[6:28] So that kind of is like a gender reveal.

[6:30] Like, I mean, we're celebrating the birthday, you know?

Elliott Kalan

[6:34] Yeah.

[6:34] So what, who's getting born?

[6:35] Tell me about it.

[6:36] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[6:36] Oh, you know, my man, JC.

[6:39] Oh yeah.

[6:40] Jim Carrey.

Elliott Kalan

[6:41] Long hair and a lot of wild ideas.

Dan McCoy

[6:44] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[6:44] So Jim Carrey, long hair and wild ideas.

[6:46] Yeah.

[6:48] Thus saith the Lord unto the shepherds, somebody stoppeth me.

Dan McCoy

[6:52] Mochers.

[6:53] There's a dad, Joseph.

[6:55] There's a mother, Mary.

[6:57] I mean, the dad is, dad is the adoptive father.

[7:00] Of course, God is the, is the father, father.

Elliott Kalan

[7:02] This is not the clearest story telling of the Christmas story.

Dan McCoy

[7:05] Oh, are we going to pretend like people don't know what the Christmas story is?

Elliott Kalan

[7:08] Let's not worry about it.

[7:09] Let's just go on to the bit.

[7:10] Okay.

[7:10] Forget about it.

[7:11] Let's go.

[7:11] Yeah.

[7:12] I thought Christmas movies don't really tell you the Christmas story.

[7:14] So for people who need to know it, even the movie called A Christmas Story, it's not

[7:19] the Christmas story.

[7:20] It's just a Christmas story.

[7:22] You know?

[7:22] And so I thought, let's make a Christmas movie that actually tells the story of the nativity.

[7:28] It's got to hit all the tropes of a classic Christmas movie, or as many as we can shove

[7:32] in.

[7:32] But we're going to tell that story.

[7:34] So first.

[7:35] And this whole episode's TM the Flop House.

[7:37] Yes.

[7:37] Yeah.

[7:38] This whole episode's TM the Flop House.

[7:39] TM and copyright.

[7:40] Don't steal the promise.

Dan McCoy

[7:40] I just realized that we recorded the episode that's going to air after this, before we recorded

[7:47] this one.

[7:47] And that one was the one that explained that I'm hopped up on cold meds.

[7:51] So if you're wondering what's going on, that's part of it.

Elliott Kalan

[7:55] Dan is on cold meds.

Dan McCoy

[7:57] That's a preview for next week.

Elliott Kalan

[7:59] Yeah.

[7:59] And that's why he is making less sense and having trouble remembering what we're talking

[8:03] about and things like that.

Dan McCoy

[8:06] I see what you're doing.

Elliott Kalan

[8:07] Normally his mind is like a steel trap that breaks all the time.

Dan McCoy

[8:12] Well, it's kind of a rubbery trap, which in a way is kind of nice because it doesn't

[8:15] break.

[8:15] You know, like the bamboo bends, you know, whereas the oak tree snaps.

Stuart Wellington

[8:21] Yeah.

[8:22] Hell yeah, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[8:22] This is the Diamond Tap talking.

[8:24] That's for sure.

[8:26] We're getting some Robitussin talking right now.

Stuart Wellington

[8:29] Please, Sifu, explain your ways.

Elliott Kalan

[8:34] So the first thing we need for Christmas movie is I figure we need a stressed out adult who

[8:39] needs a dose of Christmas cheer, needs to learn a lesson.

[8:41] And I wanted to pitch to you guys, what if the Virgin Mary, she is a hard driving career

[8:46] woman.

[8:46] She has no time for her family.

[8:48] She has not even had time to have sex with her husband.

[8:50] She is married and still a virgin.

[8:51] She's so busy with her job.

[8:53] She doesn't have time for this.

[8:54] What is her job?

[8:55] What do you think her job would be?

[8:56] Again, this is biblical times.

[8:57] So maybe she runs an art gallery, but it's a biblical art gallery?

Stuart Wellington

[9:02] Yeah.

[9:02] I mean, it's an art gallery.

[9:04] I think she works for a magazine.

[9:06] Okay.

[9:06] That sounds great.

[9:07] She works for a magazine.

Dan McCoy

[9:07] Or she's like a book editor or something.

[9:10] Wait, are we just writing Baby Boom?

[9:13] Is that what's happening right now?

Elliott Kalan

[9:14] But it's Christmas, Dan.

[9:15] Oh, it's Christmas Baby Boom.

[9:16] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[9:16] Baby Boom is maybe the best version of the Christmas story I've seen, right?

[9:20] Yeah.

[9:20] It's a woman who gets a baby dropped on her.

[9:22] She doesn't know how it happened.

[9:23] The baby has healing powers and outwits the Pharisees and the rabbis at the temple.

[9:30] That happens to Baby Boom, right?

Dan McCoy

[9:32] All I remember about Baby Boom is it starts out as a comedy about this woman who, this hard-driving

[9:38] queer woman who gets a baby she hadn't bargained for.

[9:42] And then halfway through the movie, it seems to forget that that's what the movie is about

[9:45] and just sort of turns into this, I think, half-romance, half-office intrigue movie.

[9:51] And it's like, wait, wasn't this about you getting a baby?

Elliott Kalan

[9:54] Well, that's kind of like how we recently did a live show.

[9:57] I called it by a character name.

Dan McCoy

[9:59] Sorry.

[10:00] Go on.

Elliott Kalan

[10:02] We recently did a live show about three men and a baby.

[10:05] And that's a similar movie where they get a baby and then the movie is like, we're not

[10:08] interested in this anymore.

[10:09] What if they were involved in drugs?

[10:11] What if they were drug smugglers?

[10:11] A heroin smuggling plot.

[10:13] Anyway, back to the movie.

[10:15] Sorry.

[10:15] Okay, so Mary, she's a book editor.

[10:18] She edits scrolls or tablets, you know, whatever kind of books they have at the time.

Stuart Wellington

[10:22] So wait, is this a period piece?

[10:24] It is very much a period piece.

[10:26] Yeah.

[10:26] Yes.

[10:26] So what, the 70s or?

Elliott Kalan

[10:29] Yeah, like 70 AD.

[10:31] I mean, Jesus would be an old dead man by that point.

[10:34] Sure, yeah.

[10:34] So it's a period piece that takes place in the year zero.

[10:38] Okay.

[10:38] So she has a job.

[10:43] She's a hard-driving book editor.

[10:44] She doesn't have time for a family, even for her own family.

[10:47] Credit sequence.

[10:48] We need a sort of jazzy Christmas-themed song to start the movie off right.

[10:51] What does this song sound like?

[10:53] It's got to be jazzy, but it's about Christmas.

Dan McCoy

[10:56] It's DJ Jazzy Jeff.

[10:58] Okay.

[10:58] The Fresh Prince.

[10:59] We rewrite them.

[11:00] Maybe a little literal, but I mean.

[11:02] It's called All About Christmas.

Elliott Kalan

[11:04] Okay.

[11:05] All About Christmas.

[11:06] And spit us some rhymes.

Dan McCoy

[11:08] Well, I'm not going to because no one will, I will anger the world if I did that.

[11:14] But it should be like.

[11:14] You would delight the world, Dan.

[11:16] It should be like the Fresh Prince theme.

[11:17] Like they should explain the biblical story.

[11:20] Oh, yeah.

[11:21] And then you see what you're going to see.

[11:22] This is a story all about how the world got flipped, turned upside down.

Elliott Kalan

[11:27] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[11:27] So God decided he would have a son.

[11:29] By the coming of the living Christ.

[11:31] It got flipped by God.

Elliott Kalan

[11:34] He gave to earth his only begotten son.

[11:37] Mm-hmm.

[11:38] He said, I better find a woman to give birth to someone.

[11:40] Anyway.

[11:42] Okay.

[11:43] I'll work on it.

[11:44] I'll work on it.

[11:44] Suddenly he doesn't know who this person is.

[11:47] You have to assume God had to find the person first, you know.

Dan McCoy

[11:51] No, he said to give birth to someone.

[11:53] Oh, yes.

[11:53] That's like how it came.

[11:55] It was specifically my son.

[11:57] And then he's like, ah, just anybody.

[11:59] Well, you know.

[12:00] It doesn't matter.

Elliott Kalan

[12:01] He's a loosey-goosey kind of cool guy.

[12:03] He's going to roll with the punches.

Stuart Wellington

[12:04] Yeah.

[12:04] As long as somebody's popping out, it's okay.

Elliott Kalan

[12:06] Look, this is the Christian Bible.

[12:08] He's a loving God.

[12:09] He's like, it's cool.

[12:10] Chill.

[12:10] We're all, no worries.

[12:11] As opposed to my God who's like, did you do one thing you weren't supposed to?

[12:15] I'm flooding the world.

[12:16] Everyone is dead now.

[12:18] You have to clean up all this animal poop in a boat.

[12:21] Anyway.

[12:21] What a diva.

[12:23] Yeah.

[12:23] They need to talk about it.

[12:24] Yeah.

[12:25] Real diva.

[12:25] So anyway, so there's some kind of, so we've got the song.

[12:29] That's great.

[12:30] She's like, my life is perfect.

[12:31] I've got everything I needed.

[12:32] I don't need to worry about having a baby.

[12:33] She's from the big city, which is what?

[12:35] Like?

Stuart Wellington

[12:36] Bethlehem.

[12:37] Bethlehem.

[12:37] Yeah.

[12:37] It's a big city, right?

Elliott Kalan

[12:38] Yeah.

[12:39] I mean, it was kind of a backwater city, I guess, but you know, Jerusalem's the big city.

[12:43] Maybe that's it.

[12:43] She's in Jerusalem.

[12:44] She's got to go back to Bethlehem to visit her family.

[12:47] And that's when she's like, oh, I'm dreading seeing my family for the holidays, which in

[12:51] this case would be Hanukkah.

[12:52] There's no Christianity yet.

[12:54] And she's like, oh, I got to go back to my, my, and you know what?

Dan McCoy

[12:59] Maybe she's not married yet.

Elliott Kalan

[13:00] Maybe Joseph is like her old crush who still lives in Bethlehem.

[13:04] He's a carpenter.

[13:05] He's a carpenter.

Dan McCoy

[13:06] See, that's the thing.

[13:06] Yeah.

[13:07] Yeah.

[13:08] You know, maybe he's got a little stubble.

[13:11] Yeah.

[13:11] Oh, for sure.

[13:12] Or a lot of stubble.

[13:13] Not a lot of, you know, working razors.

[13:16] None.

Elliott Kalan

[13:17] I don't know how they shaved.

[13:18] With like a seashell or something?

[13:20] I don't know how they would have done it.

[13:21] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[13:22] They used it like the, the birds and that, that would.

[13:26] Yeah.

[13:26] They tug on a fucking dinosaur's tail and it bites off their beard.

[13:31] Like scissors.

[13:32] The beaks.

Elliott Kalan

[13:33] That'll be it to living.

[13:34] You know.

[13:36] So they, so she's, she's got a, so she's, she's a book editor in Jerusalem.

[13:40] She's editing, you know, the, well, the Talmud's not written yet.

[13:43] I guess she's editing what, um, very, the Dead Sea Scrolls or something.

[13:47] And, um, she's like, oh, I got to go back home for Hanukkah to Bethlehem.

[13:51] This is going to be a nightmare.

[13:53] Then we get the, the jazzy song.

[13:54] She shows up and then there's going to be some kind of vaguely supernatural force that gets

[13:59] involved in her life and throws things upside down.

[14:02] Now would this be, is there like a magic wishing star?

[14:04] I know there's some kind of magic star later in the story.

[14:06] Is it a pre-Jesus Santa?

[14:09] Is it, I mean, in the original story, it's an angel you were saying or something, right?

[14:13] Who tells her?

[14:13] Is that it?

[14:14] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[14:14] The angel visits her and tells her she's going to give birth to a son.

Elliott Kalan

[14:18] And now this angel.

Stuart Wellington

[14:19] So is it one of those like crazy angels?

[14:21] It's like all legs and eyes and wings and stuff?

Elliott Kalan

[14:24] Two ways we can go there.

[14:25] It can either be the real biblical angel where it's all, okay, three ways.

[14:29] Or it could be Chris Angel who tells her through some street magic that, or it's, her angel

[14:35] is like the gay best friend.

[14:36] This is like the, like Billy Porter character in the, in the, in the movie, you know?

[14:40] It's like a real sassy attitude angel.

Stuart Wellington

[14:43] That would be classic.

[14:44] Yeah.

[14:45] That would be classically problematic.

Elliott Kalan

[14:49] So, or maybe it's, maybe we split the difference.

[14:52] It is a, it's a, it's this bizarre creature of wings and eyes and fire that can do magic.

[14:57] But sassy.

[14:57] Like Chris Angel, but sassy.

[14:59] Exactly.

[14:59] Like, hey girl, you got some trouble coming up.

[15:01] And she's like, ah, ah.

[15:03] And so what, and the angel tells her what?

[15:05] You're going to, you're going to bear the son of God or something?

Dan McCoy

[15:09] Uh, yeah.

[15:10] What?

[15:11] Jeez Louise.

[15:12] I feel like, it's not like this isn't a story that I heard every year.

[15:16] Your parents are going to listen to this episode right then.

Elliott Kalan

[15:18] Your, your parents, your dad is a minister of some kind?

Dan McCoy

[15:21] He's a, he was a minister, then a professor of theology.

[15:24] The thing is like, I know the broad outlines of the story very well, but like when we get

[15:30] into specifics, then like I start worrying that I'm going to say something wrong is the

[15:33] problem.

Elliott Kalan

[15:34] It's okay.

[15:34] I mean, this is again, this is a movie.

[15:35] We're adapting the story and it could be loose.

[15:38] It doesn't have to be close to it.

[15:40] Again, the movie is made a version of the Scarlet Letter that had a happy ending where

[15:44] they escape an attack by a native tribe and they live happily ever after, which is

[15:48] very different than the original book.

[15:50] So don't feel like we need to be too close to your children.

[15:53] We just want to give people more of the story than they usually do.

[15:55] So what does she do?

[15:55] Does she like sit on a toilet seat or something and get pregnant?

Dan McCoy

[15:58] Well, there's four gospels, right?

[16:00] Yeah, God used the toilet before.

[16:02] Part of the issue is there's four gospels.

[16:05] I think only three of them have the birth story and you know, the there's accounts vary, you

[16:10] know?

[16:10] Okay.

[16:11] Three witnesses.

[16:12] They tell different stories about what happened.

[16:14] I mean, they didn't actually witness this passed down by that point.

[16:16] But anyway, I think one of the gospels is more contemporaneous, but for the most part,

[16:21] it's just like three tellings.

[16:23] It's like a Rashomon.

[16:24] We'll turn it into Rashomon.

Stuart Wellington

[16:25] We'll make it a Rashomon.

[16:26] Yeah.

[16:26] I would say the cool thing is that, Dane, you could just tell us whatever and we'd be

[16:30] like, oh, wow, really?

[16:31] Okay, cool.

[16:31] Yeah.

[16:31] I mean, I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[16:32] I didn't learn this stuff when I was a kid.

[16:34] So, okay.

[16:35] What if this is a different idea?

[16:37] It's not going to be the one we do more of.

[16:38] We call it Rashomus.

[16:39] And the three different gospel writers are arguing with each other over how things happened.

[16:44] And there's no answers.

[16:46] We don't know for sure.

[16:47] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[16:47] Or maybe, I don't know.

[16:49] Maybe there's four.

[16:50] I know that in some, they've got the kings.

[16:53] Others, no kings.

Elliott Kalan

[16:55] Dan, you have become a one-man Rashomon.

[16:57] I cannot tell what I should take on faith from you and what-

[17:00] You know what?

Dan McCoy

[17:01] I often think of myself as a one-man Rashomon.

[17:04] Rashomon, he calls himself.

[17:06] Even to myself.

[17:07] I'm like, some days I act like this, but some days I act like this.

[17:10] And they don't seem to be the same person.

[17:12] What's going on?

Elliott Kalan

[17:13] Mild-mannered Dan McCoy, comedy writer by day, by night becomes Rashomon.

[17:17] With the power to confuse people with conflicting tellings of the same story.

[17:23] Rashomon, you defeated the straw man.

[17:25] This is a character that will show up in the other episode we recorded today.

[17:28] Rashomon, you defeated the straw man.

[17:29] How'd you do it?

[17:30] Well, one way I might have done it is like this.

[17:32] But perhaps it happened like this.

[17:34] Rashomon, how did you get these powers?

[17:36] Well, I was bitten by a radioactive VHS of Clue that had all the endings.

[17:46] Or maybe I wasn't.

Stuart Wellington

[17:48] Or maybe I slept on a choose your own adventure book.

Elliott Kalan

[17:51] Oh, there's so many different ways it could have happened.

[17:55] So how does it turn her-

[17:56] So this angel, the sassy angel tells Mary, you're going to bear the son of God's okay, girl.

[18:01] And she's like, oh no.

[18:02] How is this going to turn her life upside down?

[18:04] Does she have a big project coming up?

[18:06] Is she up for a promotion?

[18:08] Yeah, she's up for a promotion, right?

Dan McCoy

[18:10] Damn.

[18:12] Yeah, promotion to head scroll writer.

[18:15] Love it.

[18:16] I mean, like, she has to go to, what, Judea?

[18:22] Wait, no, no.

[18:23] They have to go from Judea to Bethlehem for the census.

[18:28] She's in Bethlehem.

Elliott Kalan

[18:29] She went there.

[18:29] We talked about that.

[18:30] She went to see her family.

[18:31] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[18:32] But that's where the birth goes.

[18:34] Okay, anyway.

[18:35] Yeah, exactly.

[18:36] Okay, well, I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[18:38] Somehow we've managed to make it that she ends up in the place where the story has to happen.

Dan McCoy

[18:41] Oh, okay.

[18:42] I thought you were looking for an upheaval that would necessitate this move.

[18:47] But you're saying the move's already happened.

Elliott Kalan

[18:49] The move's already happened.

[18:50] She's gone to her hometown.

[18:51] She ran into Joseph, her old crush, who's a hot carpenter.

[18:56] Maybe there's an old friend of hers who's like, Mary, oh, you changed a lot since you went to the big city.

[19:01] And she's like, oh, yeah.

[19:03] I don't have time for this.

[19:05] I'm too busy.

[19:06] I don't have time for this.

[19:06] I'm supposed to be proofreading these Dead Sea Scrolls so we can get them into the markets.

[19:10] Like a famous rabbi has a book that I need to get for my next project.

[19:15] Yeah, so I can be promoted to judge because they had judges back then, I guess.

[19:19] Oh, right.

[19:19] They wrote a whole book about it.

[19:21] Yeah.

[19:22] And they wrote a book about kings, too.

[19:24] They did write a book about kings, also.

[19:28] So first she has to deny the call, right?

[19:31] What Joseph Campbell would call the rejection of the call.

[19:33] But that's going to make things worse.

[19:34] So how does saying, no, I'm not going to give birth to the Son of God, how does that complicate her life?

[19:40] Is she already showing signs of pregnancy, a la the Santa Claus?

Dan McCoy

[19:44] Yeah.

[19:44] See, that's what I was imagining, like a wacky sort of montage where she's trying to push her stomach back in.

[19:52] And she's like, no.

[19:53] No.

[19:53] So it's like, no.

[19:54] And then it pops back out.

[19:55] Like, no.

[19:56] Kind of?

[19:56] Yeah, yeah.

[19:57] Like a funny version of it?

Stuart Wellington

[19:59] A funny version.

[20:00] Well, Teton's pretty funny.

[20:02] It is.

[20:03] No.

Dan McCoy

[20:04] I mean, like this, like a Santa Claus transformation scenes, you know, like where he tries to shave and his beard comes back.

[20:10] She's like denying her pregnancy.

Elliott Kalan

[20:13] She's trying to force herself to like, she's like trying to squeeze a period out to show that she's not really pregnant and something like that.

Dan McCoy

[20:19] Wow.

[20:21] Squeeze a period out.

[20:23] And Hallie's not even here to give you cover.

[20:25] No, that's true.

[20:28] Yeah, she's like carrying a bunch of prawns.

Stuart Wellington

[20:31] I was going to say palm fronds in front of her stomach.

Dan McCoy

[20:35] Yeah.

[20:36] It's like classic sitcom stuff.

[20:38] It's like grocery bags in front.

[20:39] A big prawn in front of her stomach.

Elliott Kalan

[20:42] She got one of those biblical-sized prawns.

[20:44] Maybe it was leftover from a plague or something.

[20:46] Maybe Leviathan or had babies and they're big prawns.

[20:50] Yeah.

[20:51] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[20:51] It turns into the host.

[20:53] And also, she's trying to rekindle love with Joseph, right?

[20:56] And she's like, I can't have him see that I'm pregnant, right?

[20:59] So that's why she's doing that.

[21:00] Yeah.

[21:00] Okay.

[21:00] This is coming along great.

[21:01] This is really coming along great.

[21:03] I think this movie is going to be a huge hit.

[21:04] But let's take a break for some ads.

[21:07] We'll get back to this film.

[21:09] We'll figure out how to wrap this story up.

[21:10] Let's do some ads right now.

Dan McCoy

[21:12] Let's do it.

[21:13] Hey, where are those ads?

[21:16] Here they are in my email.

[21:18] The spot.

[21:19] The bottom.

[21:20] Alex, cut some of that.

[21:23] Please.

Elliott Kalan

[21:25] Please.

[21:25] You don't want Alex to cut out your eminently quotable,

[21:27] displayable.

Dan McCoy

[21:30] Or don't.

[21:30] It could be funny.

[21:31] Who knows?

[21:32] Use your best judgment.

[21:33] But the Flophouse is sponsored in part by Lumi Labs.

[21:37] Our show today is sponsored by microdose gummies.

[21:40] Almost as good as allergy medicine.

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[21:50] amount of good.

[21:51] You know, I've used these things.

[21:54] I don't think it's any secret.

[21:56] I've talked about it on the show, so why would it be?

[21:59] I find them to make me feel more relaxed.

[22:05] I find them to help me make my mind a little more elastic.

[22:09] And maybe I'm not as rigid in my thinking.

[22:14] They're helpful for creative work.

[22:15] They're fun too.

[22:16] Occasionally I've had them when I've picked up a pen and paper to draw.

[22:21] And I've always been extra interested to see what comes out.

[22:26] But microdose is available nationwide.

[22:29] To learn more about microdosing THC, go to microdose.com and use code FLOP, that's F-L-O-P,

[22:35] to get free shipping and 30% off your first order.

[22:38] Links can be found in the show description, but again, that is microdose.com, code FLOP.

Stuart Wellington

[22:44] Today's podcast is also sponsored by Squarespace.

[22:47] Squarespace is an all-in-one platform for building your brand and growing your business online.

[22:53] Like here, online.

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[23:46] Get online, dude.

Dan McCoy

[23:49] That's the new slogan.

[23:51] We're floating it in now.

[23:53] We're soft opening that slogan.

[23:55] Get online, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[23:58] We've also got some Flophouse stuff to mention before we get back to the big Christmas hit movie that we're talking about.

[24:04] Saturday, January 26th, we've got the final episode of this season of Flop TV.

[24:08] Flop TV, the one-hour TV version of the Flophouse, airing live on your computer screen or recorded afterwards if you can't make it.

[24:15] That Saturday, January 6th at 9 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Pacific, we'll be talking about the second worst movie I've ever seen, Nuki.

[24:23] Have you guys seen Nuki before?

[24:25] I've never seen Nuki before.

[24:26] I've never seen Nuki.

Dan McCoy

[24:28] I downloaded it and had to skim through it for something that's involved with my presentation for this episode.

[24:35] And I was like, oh, even skimming through it, I can tell this is going to be a rough one.

Elliott Kalan

[24:40] Yep, yep.

[24:41] So hopefully I haven't built it up too much.

[24:43] And then Dan will be like, actually, I liked it.

[24:44] It made me cry a couple times.

[24:46] Typically, I think you guys are too hard on movies.

[24:50] We'll be talking about that one.

[24:51] Let's see if the boys, by which I mean Stu and Dan, can get through it.

[24:54] That's Saturday, January 6th.

[24:56] If you can't make it on the day of the live show, then don't worry.

[25:00] Your ticket gets you access to the recording of the show.

[25:02] And if you have a season pass, you have access to all the recordings of all six episodes through the end of January.

[25:08] That's when we're going to take those episodes down.

[25:10] And the reaction has been so good that I think we'll do another season, but we're going to take some time off before we do that.

[25:14] We're going to wait maybe towards the fall.

[25:17] We'll do another one.

[25:17] But thank you so much for your support, everybody.

[25:19] We hope you've been enjoying it.

[25:20] But let's say seeing us on TV on your computer isn't enough.

[25:24] You want to see us in the flesh, just like the Blondie song of the same name.

[25:28] Well, good luck to you.

[25:29] You're in luck if you live in one of four cities on the West Coast.

[25:33] We're going on tour.

[25:34] That's right.

[25:34] At the end of January, it's the Errors Tour.

[25:37] Go to flophousepodcast.com slash events.

[25:39] And maybe you heard about it at the top of this episode.

[25:41] But real quick, January 24th, we'll be in Vancouver talking about Cobra.

[25:45] January 25th, we'll be in Portland talking about Cool as Ice.

[25:49] January 26th, we'll be in San Francisco talking about Gigli.

[25:52] And January 28th, we'll be in Los Angeles talking about Spawn.

[25:56] It became increasingly inappropriate for me to use that voice for each of the titles.

[26:01] But it's going to be really fun.

[26:02] It's four shows in almost four nights.

[26:05] So we're going to get tired and loopy.

[26:06] And these are movies we've never talked about before in this.

[26:09] You know, we've mentioned them before on the podcast.

[26:11] But we've never done them.

Stuart Wellington

[26:12] Yeah, I mean, like we hang out and talk about Cobra when we're just hanging out.

[26:15] I mean, we do because time's the disease and he's the cure.

Elliott Kalan

[26:19] Isn't that the movie where he cuts up a slice of pizza with scissors?

[26:21] It is indeed the movie where he cuts up with a slice of pizza with scissors.

Stuart Wellington

[26:25] Was he like auditioning for a fucking job at DeFaro?

Elliott Kalan

[26:29] Yeah, or a Korean barbecue place.

[26:30] They cut things with scissors there too.

[26:32] Yeah, that's true.

[26:33] And so that's going to go to flophousepodcast.com slash events.

[26:37] When this episode comes out, there'll be, you know, like a month until these shows.

[26:42] And so get your tickets.

[26:43] They're going fast.

[26:44] Yeah.

[26:45] It's going to be really fun.

[26:46] We're looking forward to being on the road again.

Dan McCoy

[26:48] And we're sorry, Seattle.

[26:50] Look, we've been there before.

[26:51] We'll be there again.

[26:52] I know that.

[26:53] I hear you out there.

[26:55] There's, you know, only so much of us to go around.

Elliott Kalan

[26:57] Yeah.

[26:58] I can't wait to taste another bite of your delicious slew.

[27:01] Your delicious slew.

[27:02] Little slew.

[27:03] Oh, yeah.

[27:04] Yeah, it's a famous racehorse.

[27:05] Anyway, one last thing I want to mention is this episode will be coming out a little bit

[27:09] forward with the last issue of my comic book series, Disney Villains Hades from Dynamite

[27:12] Comics.

[27:13] Issue number five, the final issue, comes out right after Christmas.

[27:16] Please pick it up and get the rest of the series if you haven't seen it yet.

[27:19] It's a mythological comedy heist story starring Hades from the Disney Hercules movies.

[27:25] He gets together a bunch of mythological characters to steal the Golden Fleece.

[27:28] It's super fun.

[27:30] I think you'll enjoy it.

[27:30] Please pick it up at your local comic book store.

S4

[27:38] Last week, The Greatest Generation, the comedy podcast about old Star Trek TV shows like

[27:43] Star Trek The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, and Voyager, just had its 500th episode.

S5

[27:49] And Greatest Trek, the podcast about the new Star Trek shows like Strange New Worlds, Lower

[27:53] Decks, and Discovery, just had its 250th episode.

S4

[27:56] So whether you have a task that's roughly 750 hours long, or you want to look at the show,

[28:00] learn about some of the production techniques that go into making one of the greatest franchises

[28:04] in television history, you should give us a try either way.

S5

[28:08] The Greatest Generation and Greatest Trek, the best reviewed, most listened to Star Trek

[28:13] podcasts in the world.

[28:15] They're on Maximum Fun.

S6

[28:17] Cameron Esposito here, comedian and host of Queer.

[28:21] Every week, I get to interview someone amazing from the LGBTQIA plus community.

[28:28] Some queeros.

[28:29] I chat with them about their lives, loves, careers, and more.

[28:33] I've talked to, you know, giant celebs, Trixie Mattel, Lena Waithe, Teagan, and Sarah Quinn,

[28:38] but also astronauts, reverends, nurses.

[28:42] It's funny, it gets deep, and hopefully it makes you feel like you're part of something.

[28:46] Join me every Monday on Maximum Fun to listen to Query with Cameron Esposito.

Elliott Kalan

[28:49] But now, it's back to making the Christmas classic that I realize we don't even have a title

[29:00] for it.

[29:01] Should we take a break and think of a title for this Christmas movie that tells the story

[29:04] of Christmas in a Christmas movie way?

Dan McCoy

[29:08] Sure.

[29:10] It's called The Greatest Birthday Ever Told.

Elliott Kalan

[29:17] Okay, that's pretty good.

[29:18] That's pretty good.

[29:19] I like that.

[29:20] That defeats mine, which was Not Your Granddad's Nativity.

[29:24] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[29:25] But also, I wish we could call it Santa Baby, but that should be a movie about a baby Santa

[29:30] Claus, not a baby Jesus.

[29:31] That's true.

Stuart Wellington

[29:32] That's probably the third Boss Baby movie.

Dan McCoy

[29:35] Honestly, I'm amazed that that's not in development.

[29:38] Right now.

[29:39] I'm amazed that you didn't just say that and your phone rang because someone sensed that

[29:45] you had said those words out loud and wanted to give you money.

Stuart Wellington

[29:48] Yeah, your agents like, DreamWorks called.

[29:51] They need you immediately.

[29:52] They said it's a four-alarm emergency.

Elliott Kalan

[29:54] They need you right now to write a movie about a baby Santa Claus.

[29:57] And I'm like, all right, I'll do it.

[29:59] I guess.

[30:00] I need that health insurance.

[30:02] And the health insurance, that too.

[30:03] Except it's an animated movie, so it's probably going to be Animation Guild instead of

[30:06] Writers Guild.

[30:06] Doesn't pay into our health insurance, no residuals.

[30:09] Ugh, terrible.

[30:09] Okay, anyway.

[30:10] So, we're going to need, okay, so now things are not going great for the Virgin Mary, right?

[30:15] She can't get together with her crush.

[30:18] Her pregnancy, she can't get back to Jerusalem because she can't travel.

Stuart Wellington

[30:23] And the thing is, Joseph wants to be a dad, but he's having trouble.

[30:29] He's shooting blanks, okay?

[30:31] He can't.

[30:32] Due to a carpentry accident, he got a nail, he got spikes through his balls or something.

[30:37] And he cannot conceive.

[30:39] So, he really wants to have a kid, but he is nervous about bringing that up around Mary

[30:43] because he's interested in her.

[30:44] Exactly.

[30:45] So, she doesn't know that she's the solution to his problems.

Elliott Kalan

[30:48] She thinks that he's going to shy away when he finds out that she's pregnant.

[30:51] But she doesn't realize that that's exactly what he wants.

Dan McCoy

[30:53] That's a much sweeter direction that he went in.

[30:56] Like, this is, like, that they don't know that they can solve each other's problems.

[31:00] I thought that because he was impotent, he was all the more, like, distressed by the idea of being cucked by God.

[31:07] But I like your way of going.

Elliott Kalan

[31:09] And Dan, honestly, there's no shame in being beaten by the best.

[31:11] If you're going to be cucked by anybody, let it be the big man, God himself.

Stuart Wellington

[31:14] Yeah, it's either going to be God or Yoda or something.

Dan McCoy

[31:18] What is that?

[31:20] The classics.

Stuart Wellington

[31:21] Yeah, there's no shame to that.

[31:25] I mean, come on.

[31:27] It's God, Yoda, Jabberjaw.

[31:29] I mean, it's all these guys.

Elliott Kalan

[31:30] And if you get to watch, then it's like the part of it, you know.

[31:34] The Mount Rushmore of alpha males.

[31:37] God, Yoda, Jabberjaw.

[31:39] There's one slot left.

[31:40] Who's going to take up that slot?

Stuart Wellington

[31:41] Yeah, it's open.

[31:42] Yeah, it's open.

[31:43] Somebody can take it.

[31:44] The Noid?

[31:45] No, not yet.

[31:46] He's not there yet.

Elliott Kalan

[31:48] No, he's not there yet.

[31:49] He's still got to work on it.

[31:51] So, yeah.

[31:52] So, he's not worried about it.

[31:55] I was cucked by God is a great title for his memoir also.

Dan McCoy

[32:01] His Am I the Asshole post about – he's like, I don't know if I can stay with this girl.

Elliott Kalan

[32:07] All right.

[32:08] So, it's the kind of thing that, to be honest, we don't have to deal with very much.

[32:11] But in ancient Greece, husbands had to deal with that stuff all the time.

[32:16] Their wives would come home pregnant and they'd be like, oh, well, Zeus came to me in the form of a shower of gold.

[32:21] And the next thing I knew, I was pregnant.

[32:22] You know, Zeus came to me in the form of a swan and attacked me.

[32:25] Oh, boy.

[32:26] They had to deal with it all the time.

[32:27] They were constantly raising Zeus.

[32:27] That's the thing.

Stuart Wellington

[32:28] I feel like public opinion has really turned on Zeus these days.

Elliott Kalan

[32:33] Yeah.

[32:33] Zeus is not –

[32:34] He's got a lot of love to give.

[32:36] He's got a lot of love.

[32:37] No.

[32:38] Don't even –

[32:39] Zeus – the people are like, look, Zeus just has trouble with boundaries.

[32:42] No, no.

[32:42] Zeus is a criminal.

[32:43] Zeus is a criminal.

[32:44] You know.

[32:44] Anyway, I'm glad that he's been canceled and that his – although his spot – of course, his Sirius XM radio show is still enormous.

[32:51] It's still listened to by hundreds of millions of people.

[32:53] Yeah.

[32:54] But he feels like he's been canceled.

[32:56] Okay.

[32:56] So things are now going out.

[32:57] We're going to need a montage set to a sad Christmas song here.

Stuart Wellington

[33:00] Joe Rogan would have loved Zeus, by the way.

Elliott Kalan

[33:03] Oh, yeah.

[33:03] I know he would.

[33:04] Also, because Zeus was always lying about his height, telling people he was 5'8 when he's really much shorter than that.

Stuart Wellington

[33:08] He would have a fucking barstool sports show so fast.

Elliott Kalan

[33:11] Yeah.

[33:12] Ugh.

[33:12] Terrible.

[33:13] You're right.

[33:13] He would.

[33:15] So the – called like Lightning Bro or something like that.

[33:18] Mm-hmm.

[33:19] So, Dan, what's this sad montage song sound like?

[33:22] So, you know, Mary kind of looking out of windows longingly, Joseph hammering something and then stopping to look up and think, like, what's this song sound like?

Dan McCoy

[33:32] What – see, like, you know, I mean, obviously the classic – I mean, there's a lot of classic sad Christmas songs.

[33:38] Christmas is a melancholy time, you know?

[33:40] Yeah.

[33:41] Have yourself a merry little Christmas.

Elliott Kalan

[33:42] That's a sad Christmas song.

Dan McCoy

[33:43] Have yourself a merry little Christmas.

[33:44] Christmas time is here from –

[33:45] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[33:45] That's a sad one.

[33:47] Seems a little inappropriate to this situation, but –

Dan McCoy

[33:50] Yeah.

[33:51] So, that's what I was – what if it was like you would find in a trailer, like a slowed-down eerie version of something where it's just like,

[33:58] Yeah.

[33:58] It's the most wonderful time.

Elliott Kalan

[34:03] That's the one where Santa Claus is a serial killer.

Dan McCoy

[34:05] Of the year.

Elliott Kalan

[34:06] It's called – it's Santa Claus, C-L-A-W-S.

[34:09] And it's like Freddy, but he's Santa Claus.

[34:11] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[34:11] I think that movie's coming out.

[34:13] Oh, is it?

[34:14] Okay.

[34:14] Yeah, something like that.

Elliott Kalan

[34:15] Two ways to make a Santa Claus movie.

[34:17] Either he's a killer or he's a cute cat.

[34:19] What if it's that he's a cute kitty cat?

[34:21] Who kills?

[34:22] That's a great idea.

[34:23] And then it says Merry Cat Smith at the end, you know?

[34:25] And then he kills still, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[34:26] Yeah, I would love it if it just like kept going back and forth between the premises and the trailer.

[34:30] And you're like, I can't tell the tone of this thing at all.

[34:32] Am I supposed to be charmed or horrified?

Elliott Kalan

[34:35] Yeah, is this an adorable – for the whole family story?

[34:37] Or am I supposed to be, you know – it's supposed to be taboo, you know?

Stuart Wellington

[34:41] Yeah, this is the dueling banjos of making a trailer.

Dan McCoy

[34:47] The back story was the two producers of the film had very different ideas about what the movie should be.

[34:54] So they decided to split it down the middle like –

Elliott Kalan

[34:56] They would have alternate days working on the trailer.

[35:00] They would create the trailer exquisite corpse style, not having seen what came before.

Dan McCoy

[35:06] Anyway, it made $14 in theaters.

[35:09] Sorry, go on.

[35:10] It was duck to scream.

[35:12] Screaming.

Stuart Wellington

[35:12] Duck to screaming.

Dan McCoy

[35:17] Man, that's what shutter should be called.

[35:18] Screaming.

[35:20] Anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[35:22] Dan, save it for your tight five minutes about streaming platforms.

[35:26] Yeah.

[35:27] You think I'm going to let a guy named Max into my house?

[35:31] Yeah.

[35:32] I heard he was a hobo.

[35:33] Oh, HBO.

[35:34] Never mind.

[35:37] Love it.

[35:40] Now this is what I wish the mini was about.

[35:42] It was us doing our standard routines on the names of streaming services.

Stuart Wellington

[35:45] So, wait, do you hear this?

[35:47] So, HBO Max just became Max.

[35:49] Did Showtime do the same thing?

[35:51] No, it's Paramount Plus Presents Showtime.

Elliott Kalan

[35:53] What's up with that?

[35:56] So, something big has to happen that forces her to realize she's got to do this thing, right?

[36:01] Like something – and is it like she and Joseph have to go on the run or something like that?

[36:06] Does the supernatural thing start to get undone and that causes problems?

[36:10] Like what do you think is going to happen?

[36:12] I mean, if this was the real Bible, then if she denied it, then plagues would take place.

[36:17] You know, she'd be swallowed by a giant fish or something.

[36:18] I mean, this is kind of –

[36:19] That doesn't feel Christmassy, you know.

Dan McCoy

[36:20] This was presented to her as sort of a fait accompli.

[36:23] She was like, you're going to –

[36:24] A fait accompli?

Elliott Kalan

[36:25] That's when it's made out of Greek cheese?

[36:27] Ooh, delicious.

Stuart Wellington

[36:29] Now, I mean, shouldn't it just be that they're having trouble finding a place to stay?

Elliott Kalan

[36:34] Yes, that's – you know what?

[36:35] She goes – they're at the big Hanukkah party.

[36:37] She goes into labor.

[36:39] She doesn't want to go into labor in front of her family.

[36:41] And she has to give a big speech.

[36:42] I've been lying to everybody.

[36:44] I'm sorry.

[36:45] I lied to you.

[36:46] And Joseph is like, I'll help you.

[36:47] I'll help you get away.

[36:48] Hide in the manger.

[36:50] They have to hide in the manger because she's so embarrassed and find a place to stay.

[36:53] That's a great idea.

[36:55] And that's the story, right?

[36:56] She's got to find a place to give birth.

[36:58] And they end up in a manger.

[36:59] The hotel is full because of the Hanukkah travel season.

[37:03] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[37:03] And so for the three kings, can we get –

Elliott Kalan

[37:05] And to be honest, it's biblical times.

[37:07] It's not that big a hotel.

[37:08] They don't have that many rooms.

Dan McCoy

[37:09] Can we get three of the original kings of comedy to be the three kings?

[37:13] I don't know who's still alive.

[37:16] Well, I mean, Bernie Mac was one of them, right?

[37:20] He's gone.

[37:21] Cedric.

Elliott Kalan

[37:21] Cedric's one of them, right?

Dan McCoy

[37:22] Okay.

[37:24] Was Steve Harvey in that?

Elliott Kalan

[37:26] Only one way to find out.

[37:27] Let's look up the original.

[37:28] We're talking about the original kings.

[37:30] Not the –

[37:30] Yeah, not the new kings of comedy.

[37:31] Not the new kings of comedy.

[37:33] You hear that?

Dan McCoy

[37:34] Matt Coff, winner of funniest comic in New York.

[37:37] You're not in this.

[37:38] New York's funniest, Matt Coff.

[37:38] Yeah.

[37:39] You're a new king.

Elliott Kalan

[37:40] Wait, when did he win that?

[37:41] I didn't hear about this.

Dan McCoy

[37:42] Oh, like super recently.

[37:43] Yeah, it was a big deal.

[37:44] You know, he's doing sets at the Cellar now.

[37:46] He's really taking off as a stand-up.

[37:49] This is Matt Coff.

[37:50] I mean, it doesn't surprise me.

Stuart Wellington

[37:51] He's a hilarious comic.

Dan McCoy

[37:52] Friend of the show.

[37:53] Friend of the podcast.

[37:53] He's been a guest.

[37:53] He's been a guest way back towards the beginning.

Stuart Wellington

[37:56] He's a fellow cocaine friend of Josh Gondelman's, right?

Dan McCoy

[38:00] He started the cocaine bit and then it got assigned to Josh somehow.

[38:04] And even though I think this is nothing but a pox on Josh's life, I think Matt is a little dismayed that it got taken from him.

[38:14] Yeah, it needs to be his thing.

[38:15] Anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[38:16] Who named him that?

Dan McCoy

[38:19] Named him what?

Elliott Kalan

[38:21] New York's Funniest Stand-Up presented at the New York Comedy Festival.

[38:25] Oh, I see.

[38:25] Oh, that's great.

Dan McCoy

[38:26] Okay, we got Steve Harvey, D.L. Hughley, Cedric the Entertainer, and Bernie Mac.

Elliott Kalan

[38:31] Okay, so it's Steve Harvey, D.L. Hughley, and Cedric the Entertainer.

[38:33] Yeah, we have them coming in as the three kids.

[38:35] Three of them are still with us.

Dan McCoy

[38:36] Yes, yes.

[38:37] God willing, when we make this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[38:41] It's a long production schedule.

[38:42] Yeah, it's not like they got some fucking tontine or some shit.

[38:44] No.

[38:45] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[38:45] Now, it would be ghoulish of me to say, Dan, which one do you think is going to go first?

[38:48] I don't.

[38:49] Let's not even play that.

[38:50] No, we're not going to.

[38:51] Let's not play that game.

[38:52] Okay, so yeah, the three surviving original kings of comedy are the three kings.

[38:56] Now, why do they show up?

[38:57] Why are they there?

Dan McCoy

[38:59] They have-

[38:59] How does it happen in the story?

Elliott Kalan

[39:00] How does it happen in the original story?

Dan McCoy

[39:02] So, okay.

[39:06] So the shepherds show up because an angel comes to them and tells them, hey, go see this kid.

[39:13] He's the son of God.

Elliott Kalan

[39:14] You're never going to believe this.

Dan McCoy

[39:15] You're not going to believe what this kid can do.

[39:18] Click here.

Elliott Kalan

[39:20] There's a virgin gave birth to a kid and you're not going to believe what happened next.

Dan McCoy

[39:23] What he does next, yeah.

[39:26] No, but the kings, I think that they just were learned men.

[39:29] So like they were studying star charts.

[39:31] They're like, oh, the stars say that there's going to be a messiah here.

[39:36] Basically.

[39:37] Okay.

[39:37] I think so.

[39:38] Sorry.

Stuart Wellington

[39:38] I'm just thinking of this clickbait headline I saw today.

[39:42] Yeah.

[39:43] Laying on us.

[39:47] Meet Larry Bird's disgusting wife.

[39:51] Why?

[39:53] Why?

[39:54] It was Meet Larry Bird's disgusting wife.

[39:58] That's horrible.

[40:00] Why?

[40:00] I mean, what does she ever do?

Elliott Kalan

[40:03] I mean, see, why would you write that?

[40:06] Unless he's married to Eva Braun.

[40:08] Like, I don't know who deserves that, you know.

[40:11] It's terrible.

[40:11] It's a horrible highlight.

[40:12] And then what happened when you clicked on it?

[40:14] It's very mean.

Stuart Wellington

[40:16] Yeah, I don't want to tell you, but needless to say, I was shocked.

[40:21] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[40:23] He didn't believe.

Stuart Wellington

[40:24] See, if I tell you, then you won't click yourself, and I got to have a respected game.

Dan McCoy

[40:27] Yeah.

[40:28] He needs to bait you.

Stuart Wellington

[40:30] He can give it away.

[40:31] This is like the ring of clickbait.

Dan McCoy

[40:36] Stuart has to get you to click.

[40:37] Oh, no.

[40:38] Or else he's going to die.

Elliott Kalan

[40:40] I'll die in a week if I don't click on this thing and get somebody else to click on it.

[40:44] Yeah.

[40:45] Okay.

[40:46] So, she gives birth to the baby.

[40:48] The three kings are there yucking it up.

[40:49] They cannot believe.

[40:50] They're like, you're a virgin?

[40:51] What?

[40:51] They're telling jokes about that.

[40:53] And is this when Joseph and Mary kind of reveal to each other?

[40:58] She reveals she loves him, and he reveals that he still loves her, and he's always wanted a child, but he can't have one?

[41:03] Is this where they kind of talk that out?

Dan McCoy

[41:05] Yeah.

[41:06] I mean, I think that they have to have this, you know.

[41:08] Before the miracle happens, Joseph has to realize, you know, maybe he runs to the manger from, you know, from somewhere.

Elliott Kalan

[41:16] Oh, so this is the classic run to the airport type thing?

[41:18] Yeah, run to the airport.

[41:19] I imagine he took her to the manger.

[41:20] She went off to the manger, and he's got to find her.

[41:22] So, he's running around checking mangers to see if that, and like, maybe there's a trail of animals that's following after him.

[41:28] He's picking up chickens and things like that.

Dan McCoy

[41:30] And we play Highway to the Manger Zone on this soundtrack.

Stuart Wellington

[41:35] And while she's in labor, she's like, I can't have this baby because we can't be together because you don't want to have a child.

[41:42] And he's like, what?

[41:43] But I do want to have a child.

Elliott Kalan

[41:45] Like, that kind of thing, right?

[41:46] Exactly.

[41:47] Exactly.

[41:47] They realize it's all a big misunderstanding.

[41:49] Maybe they kiss as the baby Jesus looks at them and goes, uh-oh, or like rolls his eyes.

[41:54] Yeah, he gives a little wink or something.

[41:56] Get a room.

Stuart Wellington

[41:57] And they're like, we tried, bitch.

Elliott Kalan

[42:01] There was no room.

[42:04] And I think that wink to the camera from the baby Jesus is a super sweet way to end the movie.

[42:10] I don't think you need a bigger climax than that.

[42:12] What song?

[42:13] Now, there's going to be an end song over the credits.

[42:17] Here's the question, I think.

[42:18] Here's the Rubicon we have to cross.

[42:20] Is baby genius going to rap this song?

[42:23] Are we going to have baby Jesus rapping during the song?

Dan McCoy

[42:26] I think it should be like when we watched that Look Who's Talking movie.

[42:31] At the end, Jordy came out and sang that Christmas song.

[42:36] It's Christmas, say Noel.

[42:39] Like, while marching around in that Jordy wave.

[42:41] Oh, I forgot about that one.

[42:42] I forgot about that.

[42:43] Yeah, yeah.

[42:44] Clips of Kirstie Alley and John Travolta edited in.

[42:48] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[42:49] And so you're saying something like that.

[42:51] So there's a song performed by a child performer about Christmas.

Stuart Wellington

[42:57] And it's like the Euro dance remix because you want this movie to have global appeal.

Elliott Kalan

[43:01] Yes.

[43:02] Okay.

[43:02] I mean, it's got to be upbeat.

[43:03] It's got to be upbeat, lots of energy, joyous, you know?

[43:07] And so I think that all fits.

[43:08] This Euro beat dance remix of a child performer singing a song about Christmas and Jesus.

[43:14] And do we have like a montage of snapshots of their life as Jesus grows up, ending with

[43:19] him on the cross winking one last time?

[43:23] Or is that too far?

[43:24] We don't want to be reminded that this baby was born only to die, as we all are.

[43:28] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[43:30] And then it says, Jesus will return.

[43:32] Yeah.

[43:32] Oh, yeah.

[43:32] Well, there you go.

Elliott Kalan

[43:33] So we see cute things.

[43:36] He's changing his sippy cup water into wine.

[43:40] He's raising a dead pet.

[43:42] His fish died.

[43:43] And instead of flushing it down the toilet, he brings it back to life.

[43:46] Yeah.

[43:46] And this is, yeah.

[43:47] Jesus will return in the passion of the Christ.

[43:49] In resurrection.

[43:51] Oh, yeah.

[43:53] So I forgot.

[43:54] Did we name this movie?

Dan McCoy

[43:54] The passion happened before he died, Elliot.

[43:56] Come on.

[43:57] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[43:58] Yeah.

[43:58] He'll return in.

[44:00] It's after this movie.

Dan McCoy

[44:00] I thought we were saying my return is the return.

[44:02] Anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[44:03] Oh, oh.

[44:04] Oh, so that's at the end of the passion of Christ.

[44:06] You'll say, Jesus will return in the rest.

[44:09] Three days.

[44:10] Three days.

Stuart Wellington

[44:11] They'll say, howdy.

[44:12] Wow, that's a tight turnaround between movies.

[44:14] Yeah.

[44:14] I feel like you're going to be cannibalizing off your own box office.

Dan McCoy

[44:17] Well, we shoot them at the same time.

[44:19] Yeah, yeah.

[44:19] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[44:19] The two back to the future movies.

[44:21] Yeah.

[44:21] You shoot them back to the future.

Dan McCoy

[44:22] I apologize to anyone who we may have offended.

[44:27] Well, not anyone.

[44:28] If you're a jerk, maybe I don't apologize to you.

[44:30] But I want to say, you know.

[44:32] I grew up.

Dan McCoy

[44:32] I grew up.

[44:33] I grew up in your.

[44:36] I grew up in the church.

[44:37] I have a lot of respect for the ideals of Christianity, even as I have trouble with a lot of.

[44:42] Oh, I thought you grew up in a house.

[44:43] I have trouble with a lot of organized religion and what it gets twisted into.

[44:47] But.

Elliott Kalan

[44:48] No, I hope we didn't offend anybody.

[44:51] If we did, I do apologize.

[44:53] Just having some yucks, having some fun with the season.

[44:56] I think there's.

[44:56] I think.

[44:57] Not being Christian myself.

[44:58] I do find a lot of beauty and a lot of joy in the stories of Christianity and the faith in it and the artworks and things that reflect and represent those things.

[45:08] And I'd be a big supporter if it wasn't for all the bad stuff that that institutional religion has done.

[45:14] There's some bad stuff.

[45:15] To my own ancestors and others.

[45:17] Yeah.

[45:17] But.

[45:17] But I.

[45:18] This is all in the spirit of good fun.

[45:20] The spirit of the season.

[45:21] And so.

[45:22] I guess if these shadows.

[45:23] Have offended.

[45:24] Think but this and all is mended.

[45:27] You didn't have to listen.

[45:28] You didn't have to listen.

[45:29] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[45:29] You brought it on yourself.

[45:31] That's what they say at the end of.

[45:32] You brought it on yourself.

[45:32] Right?

[45:33] That would be great.

Dan McCoy

[45:35] That would be great if that was what happened at the end of Midsommar's.

[45:40] Puck came out.

[45:40] It's like if these shadows have offended.

[45:42] Why didn't you leave?

[45:43] The exit's right there.

[45:45] You didn't have to stay for the whole show.

[45:47] Losers.

[45:48] Get out of here snowflakes.

Elliott Kalan

[45:49] We've already got your money.

[45:51] No refunds.

[45:52] Groundlings.

[45:53] Yeah.

[45:54] I feel like that's not in the same.

[45:55] That doesn't have the same eloquence as the.

[45:57] As.

[45:58] As when Puck says.

[45:59] Hey if you didn't like the show.

[45:59] Maybe you fell asleep and you dreamed it all.

[46:01] It's not our fault.

[46:02] No.

[46:03] You know.

[46:03] No.

[46:04] No.

[46:04] No give backs.

[46:05] You know.

[46:06] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[46:06] Same no refunds message.

[46:08] But presented a little bit more politely.

Elliott Kalan

[46:11] Yeah.

[46:11] Slightly more politely.

[46:12] Slightly politely.

[46:13] That's the name of my.

[46:14] That's the name of my drawing room farce.

[46:17] Okay.

[46:18] Well.

[46:19] Happy holidays to everybody listening to this.

[46:20] It's Christmas in a few days.

[46:21] If you celebrate Christmas.

[46:22] I hope you have a great Christmas.

[46:23] If you celebrate all our holidays.

[46:25] I hope you enjoy those holidays.

[46:26] If you don't celebrate any holidays.

Dan McCoy

[46:28] Enjoy your time off.

[46:30] Enjoy your time off.

[46:30] If you have it.

[46:31] I know that everyone doesn't have it.

[46:33] But.

Stuart Wellington

[46:33] If you're.

[46:34] Working through these holidays still.

[46:35] If you're a werewolf.

[46:36] Yeah.

[46:36] And you celebrate the howl-a-days.

Dan McCoy

[46:39] Mm-hmm.

[46:41] If you celebrate happy Honda days.

[46:43] Congratulations on your purchase of a new automobile.

[46:45] Yeah.

[46:46] Mm-hmm.

[46:46] I have a Honda for many years.

[46:48] They're reliable cars.

Elliott Kalan

[46:49] A lot of things to be thankful for this time of year.

[46:52] I know this time of year can also be difficult.

[46:54] I hope that if you weren't offended.

[46:55] We provided some laughs for you.

[46:57] It can also be a difficult time.

[47:00] We are hoping to spread tidings of joy and love and good cheer and what?

[47:05] Yeah.

[47:05] We're hoping to spread them.

[47:07] Spread them.

[47:08] And we thank you for this year of listening to the Flop House.

[47:14] I think we have one more episode left before the year's out.

[47:17] Oh, actually, I think two more episodes.

[47:18] I know one more episode after this.

Stuart Wellington

[47:20] And we have something kind of special cooked up.

[47:24] The Friday after this episode, this mini drops, Dan and I are going to be hosting a Flop House holiday special Twitch stream on my Stuart Wellington Flop House cat Twitch channel.

[47:39] We're going to be live from Dan's kitchen starting at 9 p.m. Eastern time.

[47:44] How glamorous.

[47:45] Yep.

[47:45] On December 29th, Friday night.

[47:49] And we're going to be taking questions.

[47:51] And they'll be saved on my Twitch channel for, I don't know, like a week or two.

[47:55] I don't remember.

[47:56] And maybe somebody special will drop by or send us a little message.

[48:01] Santa?

Elliott Kalan

[48:02] We'll see.

[48:03] Yeah, Santa.

[48:03] Maybe, yeah.

[48:04] Santa.

[48:04] Dan still believes in Santa.

[48:06] I was about to say Santa still believes in Dan, which would not be.

[48:09] Oh, that's touching.

[48:10] Yeah, that's touching.

[48:12] So thank you, everybody, for listening.

[48:14] Thanks for a great year of Flop House listening.

[48:17] And we are part of the Maximum Fun Network.

[48:18] Please go to MaximumFun.org to check out their other shows or to buy a Jumbotron message on our show or to buy some Flop House merchandise if you want.

[48:25] Our producer is Alex Smith.

[48:27] Thank you, Alex, for making some kind of shape out of this mess.

[48:30] He goes online as Howell Doughty.

[48:32] He's a very talented songster and podcaster.

[48:34] Please enjoy his work.

[48:35] Please, if you like this show, leave us a positive review.

[48:38] Five stars or more.

[48:39] See if you can add more than five wherever you get your podcasts.

[48:42] Nothing in the rule book.

[48:44] Other than Stuart and Dan, we'll hopefully see you on Twitch and join us again next week.

[48:51] For the Flop House, I've been Elliot Kalin.

[48:54] I've been Dan Foy.

[48:55] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[48:57] Bye.

[48:58] Bye.

[48:58] Maximum Fun.

S5

[49:07] A worker-owned network.

[49:08] Of artist-owned shows.

[49:10] Supported.

[49:10] Directly.

[49:11] By you.

FH Mini 95 - The Best Christmas Podcast Ever

Transcript

In this episode

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