Ep. #415 - Gigli, LIVE from SF Sketchfest!

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode we discuss, Gigli!

Stuart Wellington

[0:04] Live from San Francisco Sketchfest!

[0:30] Thank you for providing proof to the audience at home.

Dan McCoy

[0:41] There's no way that we could have just stuck that noise in.

Elliott Kalan

[0:44] You can't add fake crowd noise. It's illegal.

Dan McCoy

[0:46] Yeah, it's illegal. They passed the law, Dan.

[0:48] The FDA would not approve.

[0:50] Thanks, Biden administration.

Stuart Wellington

[0:51] Wow, those are pretty lengthy notes, dude.

[0:53] Are you sure you're going to get through this one?

Dan McCoy

[0:55] We'll do what we can.

[0:56] Thank you to Cubs Comedy Club.

[0:58] We are here in San Francisco.

[1:00] We are talking about Gigli, which starts with Mr. Ben Affleck.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06] Now, we don't have a lot of time, so I'm not going to interrupt Dan

[1:09] and mention that Cubs Comedy Club is named after the funniest salad.

[1:12] Dan, continue.

[1:14] We just don't have time for it.

[1:15] So, Dan, continue.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18] So, Dan, you picked Gigli because it had nothing problematic in it, right?

[1:22] It's just a simple open and shut kidnapping case.

[1:25] You know, honestly, we talked about, like, what should we talk about on this tour?

Dan McCoy

[1:28] You know, we've never had Gigli.

[1:30] Why did we have Gigli?

[1:31] And then I'm like, oh, right.

[1:34] There's some terrible stuff in there.

[1:36] Challenging material on this one.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38] Luckily, it's in the hands of Dan McCoy.

Dan McCoy

[1:42] Gigli starts with Mr. Ben Affleck talking directly to us, the audience.

[1:47] We think this is him as Larry Gigli.

[1:50] Turns out he's talking to someone.

[1:52] He is stuffed in a dryer because we've learned that he's a mob collection man.

[1:58] Of course, the natural casting for an Italian mob collector, Mr. Ben Affleck, the Beantown bad boy.

Elliott Kalan

[2:07] He played a regent of France recently in medieval times.

[2:11] He can do everything.

Dan McCoy

[2:12] Look, he's grown into a terrific actor.

[2:14] He's not really Batman, Dan.

[2:15] Thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[2:17] It's acting, you know.

[2:18] People act.

[2:19] How could they cast this man who's not actually Batman to play Batman?

Dan McCoy

[2:23] I would argue that Affleck is doing what he can with an impossible role.

[2:27] I will give him that.

[2:28] In this one or with Batman?

[2:29] Well, maybe both.

[2:31] Okay.

[2:32] So he's outside later on in Santa Monica Boulevard with his boss, Louis.

Elliott Kalan

[2:38] In beautiful Los Angeles.

[2:40] Oh, no.

[2:41] Guys, I forgot what city we were in.

[2:44] Jesus.

Dan McCoy

[2:45] Pander correctly.

[2:48] Now, he explains early on, my name is Gigli.

[2:51] It rhymes with really, which, so when I was trying to watch Gigli, of course, I didn't want to, you know, I'm a modern man.

[2:59] I don't want to have to type in Gigli.

[3:02] I want to be able to just talk.

[3:03] That's five whole letters.

[3:04] That's five letters.

[3:05] Who has the time?

[3:06] I want to talk to my remote.

[3:07] Your hands are busy.

Elliott Kalan

[3:10] Calm down.

[3:11] Calm down.

[3:12] He's just eating a big sandwich.

Dan McCoy

[3:14] I want to just be able to talk to my remote.

[3:16] So I was talking to the Apple TV.

[3:18] I'm Gigli.

[3:20] Gigli.

[3:21] Nothing.

[3:23] My wife, Audrey, says, could you just give it to me?

[3:25] And she goes, Gigli.

[3:27] Immediately it comes up.

[3:29] And I would argue that this is problem one of a troubled film.

Stuart Wellington

[3:33] Immediately comes up and it's like, you want to buy this, right?

[3:36] And you're like, okay.

[3:38] Based on your viewing history.

Dan McCoy

[3:44] Lewis asked Gigli to kidnap a family member of a guy who's bothering an associate of his in New York.

[3:49] Did we mention who Lewis is?

[3:51] Lewis.

Elliott Kalan

[3:51] The mob.

[3:52] The Weasley mob.

[3:53] Who is it?

[3:53] I just don't know if we had mentioned that.

Dan McCoy

[3:55] I had just mentioned Lewis.

[3:56] Oh, okay.

[3:57] Elliot, this will go longer.

Elliott Kalan

[3:58] Yeah, the interrupting is going well.

[4:01] Yeah.

[4:02] So who's Gigli?

[4:05] His name is Gigli.

Dan McCoy

[4:08] So, you know, we get, so the person that he wants to kidnap is, he's in a mental home.

[4:15] This is a character played by Justin Bartha.

[4:18] His name is.

[4:18] The guy who's always asleep in the hangover movie.

[4:19] The guy who's always asleep in the hangover movies or hanging off a moving van in National Treasure.

[4:27] And he is playing in this role, someone with some sort of mental disability.

[4:33] Not, not, not sensitively.

[4:35] I don't think it's his fault so much as the movie, his, he has what we would call sort of

[4:40] a movie mental disability where little bits and pieces of actual things are just sort of

[4:47] mixed together into a stew of something that doesn't actually exist in life.

[4:51] But it's one of the fundamental issues with this film.

[4:56] Yeah.

[4:56] One of the two fatal flaws.

[4:57] The idea that like, oh, we're going to, we're going to love this guy who's kidnapping

[5:01] this, this, this.

[5:03] And calling him a variety of slurs and whatnot.

[5:05] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[5:06] So Gigli is.

[5:07] And I think he assaults him at one point.

[5:09] Yeah.

[5:10] It's not great.

Elliott Kalan

[5:11] And he kidnaps him.

[5:12] It's the plot of the movie.

[5:13] Yeah.

[5:13] It's true.

[5:14] But he's lovable.

Dan McCoy

[5:17] So Gigli's talking to Brian and he gets Brian to go with him by saying that he's on his

[5:21] way to the Baywatch.

[5:22] And Brian, Brian loves the Baywatch.

Elliott Kalan

[5:24] Brian keeps talking about how he wants to go to the Baywatch.

[5:28] And he's like, yeah, I'll take you to the Baywatch.

[5:30] And then he does do a bit where he keeps picking up, what is it?

[5:33] Some, something in his car.

[5:34] He keeps picking up a flashlight to like pretend.

[5:37] And pretending it's a phone.

[5:38] Because again, the movie is treating this other character as if.

Stuart Wellington

[5:40] You can get a fucking telephone that looks like a pair of lips, Elliot.

[5:43] It makes sense to me.

[5:44] That's right.

[5:44] Or a football.

[5:45] In the world of the movie, it works.

Dan McCoy

[5:47] More like Garfield's torso.

[5:48] You're all missing the most baffling part of this.

[5:52] He pretends to talk on this flashlight.

[5:56] And then later on, he uses his cell phone.

[5:59] Oh, yeah.

[5:59] He could have just pulled out his cell phone and pretended to have a conversation.

Elliott Kalan

[6:02] But he's like, oh, the Baywatch is closed today.

[6:04] I guess you got to come to my apartment.

[6:06] Okay.

[6:06] This is the hero of the movie.

Dan McCoy

[6:10] Gigli's apartment, where we're going to spend most of this film.

Stuart Wellington

[6:15] Brian says he wants to go home.

[6:17] Gigli says he's got to stay there.

[6:19] I will say this apartment is like an accurate representation of a weird single dude's apartment.

[6:23] In LA, especially.

[6:24] One lamp.

Elliott Kalan

[6:24] There's no art on the walls.

[6:26] They make a point of talking about how there's no books in the whole place at one point.

Stuart Wellington

[6:29] Yeah.

[6:30] If he wants to read a story, he has to read the back of a hot sauce bottle of Tabasco.

[6:34] They should have to complete it.

Elliott Kalan

[6:35] They should have just had a cutaway shot of how there's a plastic shopping bag hanging on a cabinet as a garbage can.

[6:42] Yeah.

[6:42] I feel like that's the sign of a single man's home.

[6:46] Why would I buy something to put trash in?

[6:48] I'd just throw it away anyway.

Dan McCoy

[6:50] I mean, for me, that's trash overflow.

[6:52] You know, like once you've filled up the main trash zone.

[6:55] Then you take the trash out.

[6:57] Rather than...

[6:58] Remember, I couldn't type in five letters.

Elliott Kalan

[7:03] Yeah, that's a fair point.

[7:04] You're always eating those...

[7:05] You're like, I can't take the trash out.

[7:06] The sandwich is taking forever.

[7:08] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[7:09] Ricky, played by J-Lo, Jennifer Lopez, who, you know, as we were saying before, you know, Ben and Jennifer got together.

[7:21] Bennifer won.

[7:22] This is the first Bennifer.

[7:23] The first Bennifer.

Elliott Kalan

[7:24] This is the only Bennifer to serve two non-consecutive terms is Bennifer.

[7:28] Yeah.

[7:29] It was broken up by another Bennifer.

[7:32] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[7:34] She reveals that Lewis hired her to sort of be a, you know, a second babysitter because he did not trust Gigli.

[7:42] She's another con.

Stuart Wellington

[7:43] Second babysitter would have been a way better name if it were.

Dan McCoy

[7:47] He is so threatened by this affront to his masculinity that immediately he starts being mean to Brian,

[7:53] who was actually treating with a fair amount of sensitivity before she showed up.

Elliott Kalan

[7:57] But then he's like, I'm a man.

[7:59] Who can I dominate who's weaker than me?

[8:02] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[8:03] They all have dinner together.

[8:04] It's clear that this is supposed to be this makeshift family unit, which is, I guess, why they have made Brian the way he is.

[8:13] They were like, oh, we can't have Gigli kidnap a child to have this family unit, so let's do this worst thing.

[8:21] Yeah, I would argue that they could have had him kidnap a child.

Elliott Kalan

[8:25] A sassy kid and a mobster kidnaps him.

[8:28] But it's, I mean, it's literally the story of The Ransom of Red Chief by O'Henry.

[8:31] Like, it's been done already.

[8:33] Then you gotta pay O'Henry money.

[8:35] And he's got a lot of high-priced lawyers for most candy bar cash.

[8:38] And he needs a fucking story buy credit.

[8:40] Yeah.

[8:41] And then he's like, you know who I really see directing this is M. Night Shyamalan.

[8:45] Like, we get it.

[8:46] You love twists.

[8:46] We understand O'Henry.

[8:49] What if, at the end, Gigli sold the kid in order to buy hairbrushes for Jennifer Lopez?

Dan McCoy

[8:56] Gigli puts Brian to bed by, as you said, reading Tabasco bottle to him.

[9:01] He, you know, comes on to J-Lo by saying she can sleep in his bed.

[9:07] And he comes out in a robe and poses.

[9:09] He spends a lot of time posing.

[9:11] Yeah.

[9:11] He's like talking to himself in the mirror.

Stuart Wellington

[9:12] He's psyching himself up, dude.

[9:14] You got J-Lo in your bed.

[9:16] He talks.

[9:16] I mean, you're just gonna fucking ice cold that one?

[9:19] Just walk out?

Elliott Kalan

[9:20] I mean, he must figure he's halfway there, living on a prayer.

Dan McCoy

[9:23] Well, he does a lot of talking about who's the bull and who's the cow, which will come back up again.

Elliott Kalan

[9:30] There's two animal metaphors in this movie, and neither of them work.

[9:34] The bull and the cow one and later one involving a turkey that we'll get to.

[9:37] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[9:38] But this is where we...

[9:39] Oh, God.

[9:40] This is where we learn that Ricky...

[9:42] You chose this life, Dan.

[9:43] Ricky says Gigli is not her type because she is a lesbian.

[9:50] Because this is the period in time where Ben Affleck only romanced lesbians on screen.

[9:56] With a surprising amount of success.

[9:59] Yeah.

[10:00] Second ruinous choice.

[10:02] I get from a screenwriting perspective what the movie thinks it's doing.

[10:07] It's, you know, like Gigli is the toxic masculine guy who needs to be taken down by a woman who is his opposite number.

[10:17] But simply make her bisexual.

[10:19] That is a thing that exists in the world.

[10:21] And then it would make sense.

[10:22] You wouldn't be like, I'm angry now that you are telling me that Ben Affleck can turn every lesbian.

[10:27] But, um...

Stuart Wellington

[10:27] Okay.

[10:27] Monday morning quarterback over here.

[10:30] Yeah.

[10:30] I think that...

[10:31] I've written some Gigli fan fiction.

[10:33] He's gonna pass it out after the show.

[10:36] I told him not to.

[10:37] The thing is...

[10:38] And why did he include all these drawings he made?

[10:41] What's Goofy doing in here?

[10:44] You know what he's doing.

[10:45] He does.

Elliott Kalan

[10:46] You're a grown-up.

[10:47] You have kids.

[10:48] Yeah.

[10:48] He did...

[10:50] Yep.

[10:51] Goofy's just doing whatever you have to do to have kids.

[10:54] The, uh...

[10:55] When you, uh...

[10:56] The thing is, maybe they thought it was progressive because it kind of wins her over by, spoiler alert,

[11:00] becoming the more...

[11:02] The softer, kind of more subordinate one in the relationship.

[11:04] But we'll see how that happens.

Dan McCoy

[11:06] It's still dumb.

[11:07] It's still...

[11:07] So, every once in a while, this movie will sort of...

[11:11] Electrify as a, you know, a brilliant actor wanders on screen.

[11:16] And, uh...

[11:17] And that happens for the first time here as creepy cop Christopher Walken comes in.

Elliott Kalan

[11:22] And delivers a fucking acting clinic.

Dan McCoy

[11:24] Yeah.

[11:25] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[11:25] But is he supposed to be a creepy cop?

[11:27] Or he's a regular cop that Christopher Walken has brought himself to?

Dan McCoy

[11:30] I think he's just a normal cop, but he happens to be played by Christopher Walken.

Elliott Kalan

[11:35] And...

[11:35] It is a little bit like his character from The Dead Zone, like, figured things out and became a cop.

[11:40] But he's still him.

Stuart Wellington

[11:41] Just before we walked out on stage, my wife revealed that when she was watching the movie,

[11:44] she noticed that when he stood up from a seated position, that his balls stuck on the chair longer than the rest of his pants.

[11:52] And I stumbled toward the entryway to the stage, shocked and not knowing what to do with myself.

Elliott Kalan

[11:59] But that's also why you've got to spring for the 4K.

[12:01] Yeah.

[12:01] Because you lose details like that.

[12:03] That's the sort of detail you'd get otherwise.

Dan McCoy

[12:06] Are you mentioning Christopher Walken's best line?

[12:09] Yes, I'm getting there.

[12:10] Okay.

[12:11] But, uh...

Dan McCoy

[12:11] First, we have to lay a little pipe here.

[12:15] Narratively, Christopher Walken explains that what is actually happening here is that Brian is the prosecutor's brother for a mob trial that's going on on the East Coast.

[12:28] Uh, the kidnapping is attempt to leverage this prosecutor.

[12:32] Um, and so he's like, you wouldn't know anything about that.

[12:35] And so he, like, sort of wanders around the room being menacing.

[12:39] And then at the end, I apologize.

Stuart Wellington

[12:41] And drinking from a coffee cup that's been empty the entire time.

[12:43] Yeah.

[12:44] Which makes it even scarier.

[12:46] What's he doing?

Dan McCoy

[12:47] Because you don't know if he knows or not.

Stuart Wellington

[12:50] He's drinking the memory of coffee?

Dan McCoy

[12:53] I apologize because I do not have a great Christopher Walken, but I have to make some attempt at doing something here.

[12:59] Do it.

[13:00] Thread it.

[13:00] Now you got to drop it on us.

[13:02] Don't make excuses.

[13:04] After Gigli claims he knows nothing, at the end of the scene, Walken goes, man, you know what I'd love to do right now?

[13:11] Go down to Marie Callender's.

[13:13] Give me a big bowl.

[13:15] Pie, some ice cream on.

[13:17] Mmm, mmm, good.

[13:18] I can't do it.

[13:19] I'm terrible.

[13:20] No, no, no, no, no.

Elliott Kalan

[13:22] You keep going.

[13:22] The line's not over yet.

[13:23] The best part of the line isn't there.

Dan McCoy

[13:25] Put some on your head.

[13:27] Your tongue would slap your brains out trying to get to it.

[13:30] Interested?

[13:31] Sure?

Elliott Kalan

[13:33] Not to give you notes, Dan.

[13:34] No, it's terrible.

[13:36] It's right here.

[13:36] But also the way he says it, just the thing he goes, he goes, put some on your head.

[13:40] Your tongue would slap your brains out trying to get it.

[13:43] Like, he yells it.

[13:44] I had to pause it and be like, what did he just say?

[13:47] I rewound it like three times.

[13:49] It is.

[13:50] He's saying nonsense, but he's saying it suddenly so loud that I was like, what?

Dan McCoy

[13:56] Yeah, you know, I'm just going to, you know, just to let it sink in, I'm going to read it straight.

[14:01] The utter nonsense.

[14:03] Man, you know what I'd love to do right now.

[14:04] This is at the end of a scene where he's trying to intimidate them.

Elliott Kalan

[14:07] This is pretty much the last thing Christopher Walken says in the film.

Dan McCoy

[14:10] Go down to Marie Callender's.

[14:13] Get me a big bowl.

[14:15] Pie.

[14:16] Some ice cream on it.

[14:17] Mmm, mmm, good.

[14:19] Put it on your head.

[14:21] Your tongue would slap your brains out trying to get to it.

[14:25] Interested?

Elliott Kalan

[14:26] Sure?

[14:27] And Gigli, to his credit, is like, no, I don't want my tongue to slap my brains out of my head.

[14:32] Best case scenario, I'm still sitting there with pie and ice cream on top of my head.

[14:38] Can my tongue not wait?

[14:39] I'm going to, I have to put it in my mouth to use it.

[14:43] I'm not going to tease my tongue.

[14:44] You don't get this.

[14:45] It's going to go in my butt instead.

Dan McCoy

[14:48] If you want this pie, you got to go through me.

[14:51] And by me, it's my head.

[14:54] So they are naturally terrified at this point.

Elliott Kalan

[14:58] I wish the movie then just followed Christopher Walken around his day.

[15:02] Didn't do anything particularly dramatic, but just talked to everyone he runs errands with about that.

[15:08] Picking up my dry cleaning.

[15:11] So they go in a car.

[15:14] Left a note in the pocket.

[15:18] Can't read it anymore.

Dan McCoy

[15:21] So they go on a car ride to get Brian out of the house.

[15:24] They go to this fast food place where some kids have a lot of music on.

[15:28] Gigli wants to fight them.

[15:29] Ricky says she'll take care of it.

[15:31] And she does this scene where it's like she threatens to like, she does this thing where she tries to intimidate them.

[15:37] Well, she does by threatening to rip their eyes out.

[15:41] It gives a long speech.

Elliott Kalan

[15:42] It gives a long speech.

[15:43] Martial arts.

[15:44] And there's this one specific way you can rip an eye out that then removes your memories of what you've seen at the same time.

[15:50] This medieval alchemy medicine that she's purveying.

Dan McCoy

[15:54] That's one of these things that only works in a movie.

[15:56] Because if there's one thing I know about unruly teens in real life is they would start laughing immediately.

Elliott Kalan

[16:02] Instantly.

[16:03] If you want to stop some unruly teens from playing their music loud, put a hockey mask on, be six and a half feet tall, kick that boombox out of the way.

[16:10] They get mad, show them your scarred zombie face under the hockey mask.

[16:14] They will leave.

[16:15] Only way it works.

Dan McCoy

[16:17] But she does it with her words.

[16:21] Affleck, as he leaves, says, nice computer, breaks the computer and says, suckmydick.com.

[16:28] That was cutting edge at the time.

[16:31] The internet was pretty new.

[16:33] That illustrates the feminine and the masculine way to deal with conflict.

Elliott Kalan

[16:36] Now he'd be like, at suckmydick.bluesky.

[16:39] Yeah, yeah.

[16:40] Whatever.

Stuart Wellington

[16:41] That was the URL you used for your presentation, right?

Dan McCoy

[16:44] Yeah.

[16:46] So back in the car, Julie gets a call from his mom.

[16:49] We cut to mom's house where Julie is giving his mom a shot in her butt.

[16:55] It's Lainey Kazan.

[16:56] It's Lainey Kazan.

Elliott Kalan

[16:57] From the Bratz movie and many other things, yeah.

[17:00] Inspiration for Big Barda, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[17:02] But Brian has to pee, so he and Ricky come into the house.

[17:08] And initially the mom is very excited about the idea that Julie is dating her.

[17:12] Who would be?

Stuart Wellington

[17:13] International recording star?

[17:15] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[17:16] But J-Lo says, oh, she's a lesbian and the mom now seems very interested.

[17:21] Yeah.

[17:22] Saying that sometimes men have their limitations and heavily implying past same-sex encounters

[17:27] of her own and getting very flirty with J-Lo.

[17:29] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[17:30] This, again, I would rather the movie was then about Lainey Kazan trying to romance Jennifer

[17:34] Lopez.

[17:34] Yeah.

[17:35] Better movie.

[17:37] So, in this...

[17:38] And her name's Geely, too.

[17:41] You don't have to change the title.

[17:42] Yeah.

[17:44] If that's what you were worried about, you printed the posters.

[17:48] I know.

[17:48] You don't have to change it.

[17:49] It's fine.

[17:50] Send millions of people around the country.

[17:52] Just put Lainey Kazan's face over Ben Affleck's face on the posters.

Dan McCoy

[17:56] Now, in this film, the next thing...

Elliott Kalan

[17:58] It's called a street team.

[17:59] Just send them out.

Dan McCoy

[18:01] In this film, Rich with Incident...

[18:03] Nighttime.

[18:06] Geely's a pardoned again.

[18:10] Ricky is doing yoga.

[18:13] For a long time.

[18:13] For a long time, slowly.

[18:16] Geely tries to convince J-Lo...

[18:18] Tries to convince J-Lo that men are genetically designed to please women.

[18:22] He talks about...

[18:24] Yeah, this whole scene was a lot like what was going on in my hotel room this afternoon.

[18:28] Including me describing...

[18:31] Oh, okay.

[18:32] Well, what happens next?

[18:33] Where Ricky then starts talking back, like...

[18:36] Talking about how great women are.

[18:37] Women are saying that...

[18:39] The thing that you want to kiss, of course, are lips.

[18:41] You want to kiss lips.

[18:42] And the mouth is the twin sister of the vagina.

[18:45] But she says this...

[18:46] It's like, calm down, Alan Moore.

[18:50] She says this in a...

Elliott Kalan

[18:52] But Alan Moore would say it in tarot terms.

[18:55] Of course, the wand and the ball are doing, you know...

Dan McCoy

[18:59] She says this in several more words, slowly and breathily, while doing yoga.

Elliott Kalan

[19:03] This is a long monologue.

[19:05] And I give J-Lo credit for being able to perform it while doing yoga, without stopping and being like, what am I doing?

[19:11] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[19:13] Audrey, who helped me take notes, has what I said at this point, which was, oh my God, this scene goes on forever.

[19:19] Yeah.

[19:22] Meanwhile, Lewis has called the apartment.

[19:25] Brian picks up.

[19:26] Gigli comes in.

[19:27] He's like, what are you doing?

[19:28] And he's called because he wants Gigli to send Brian's thumb to the prosecutor to put a little more weight on him.

[19:36] If I had a nickel.

Elliott Kalan

[19:38] Every time I have to send somebody a thumb.

[19:41] Next morning, a scene...

[19:42] Thumb drive.

[19:43] A scene that is...

[19:44] They wanted a thumb drive.

[19:45] I thought I was supposed to drive a thumb over to them.

[19:48] This explains a lot of reactions I've gotten lately.

[19:53] A scene happens that is...

[19:56] I can't interrupt Dan that much.

[19:57] We don't have a lot of time.

Dan McCoy

[19:59] A scene happens that is utterly inexplicable in the movie's current form.

[20:04] Perhaps once we're done with the synopsis, we'll explain how this movie was greatly truncated from its original version.

Elliott Kalan

[20:12] Dan did some original research of looking up the alternate versions listing on IMDb, and he found some interesting information.

[20:18] But, uh...

[20:19] That will shock and depol you.

Dan McCoy

[20:21] The next morning, Brian is dancing to hip-hop, and Robin...

[20:25] Did we mention that Brian loves hip-hop and is constantly quoting it?

[20:29] Yeah, he did.

[20:29] Robin, who's Ricky's ex-girlfriend, walks in and fights with Robin and ends up slitting her wrist because she says that Ricky loves her and won't let her die.

[20:41] It's a strange interlude to quote the play.

Elliott Kalan

[20:47] You mean the title of the play?

[20:49] The title of the play, yeah.

[20:51] To quote Death of a Salesman.

[20:52] It truly was the death of a salesman.

[20:55] That salesman sure did die.

[20:58] Hey, the Iceman cometh in.

Dan McCoy

[21:02] Howdy, Iceman.

[21:02] Just leave it by the door.

[21:06] Oh, the Ice.

[21:07] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[21:10] That's where it goes, right?

[21:11] Yeah, yeah.

[21:11] Just next to your door to slowly melt in water just that one patch of lawn.

Dan McCoy

[21:17] At the hospital, Robin will be okay.

[21:20] Thank goodness.

Elliott Kalan

[21:21] Ever since that last scene when I met this character, I've been worried about her.

Dan McCoy

[21:25] Lucky they're at a hospital, though, where the thumbs live because...

[21:30] Or rather, don't.

[21:32] They go to the mortuary.

[21:34] They cut a thumb from a dead body.

[21:36] They go to the least secure mortuary.

Elliott Kalan

[21:39] All you need is Jennifer Lopez to distract the guy on guard for the moment.

[21:45] I think that would work.

[21:46] Yeah.

[21:47] Luckily, there's nobody else in there, but luckily, as we know from the movies, morticians love to eat while they work.

[21:53] So there is a takeout container with a plastic takeout knife, which somehow he manages to cut through a thumb with.

[21:59] Yeah.

[22:00] This is a thumb that's in a rigor mortis.

[22:02] It's harder to cut those.

[22:03] Trust me.

Dan McCoy

[22:04] I drive a lot over, so...

[22:05] He's like, Brian, turn around, listen to your Baby Got Back tape while I cut this thumb off.

Elliott Kalan

[22:13] Now, I met for some reason when he said, it sounded like he said Baby Bop Got Back.

[22:16] I'm thinking of a kid's bop version of Baby Got Back.

Dan McCoy

[22:19] Now we're back in the car.

[22:20] The other major location along with his apartment.

[22:23] This could have been a play.

[22:27] Gigli angrily tells Ricky that he's sad because she's gay and he likes her, which really seems to make things her problem.

[22:32] That should not be her problem.

[22:36] Back at his house.

Stuart Wellington

[22:37] Like, around now, she's like, why don't you go hang out with your friends?

[22:40] And he's like, I don't have friends.

[22:43] He doesn't have books.

[22:44] He doesn't have friends.

[22:45] What does this guy do?

[22:46] Just stare at the fucking wall?

Elliott Kalan

[22:48] Saw's off thumbs.

[22:49] Just saw his hands off, yeah.

[22:51] I mean, a book is a best friend, sure, yeah.

[22:54] If you're a certain type of boy.

Dan McCoy

[22:59] Ricky tells Gigli he has a lot of feminine feelings because of how he checks his nails.

[23:03] Apparently, men look at their nails, check their nails like this when they do it.

[23:08] It's honestly, I don't know that I've done it a lot.

Elliott Kalan

[23:10] So this is for anyone who can't see Dan's hand.

Dan McCoy

[23:13] Yeah, I'm curling my fingers inward to look at them.

[23:16] As if he's grasping like a big pickle.

Elliott Kalan

[23:18] Yeah, and the feminine way is to sort of hold your...

[23:23] You hold your hand palm out as if to say, I've had enough pickles, thank you.

[23:25] Oh, look at those.

Dan McCoy

[23:27] No more pickle for me.

[23:29] No, no, no.

[23:30] I've had sufficient.

[23:31] Don't come closer.

Elliott Kalan

[23:33] I don't even want to smell them.

[23:34] I've had so many.

Dan McCoy

[23:35] I'm trying to cut down on my sodium intake.

Elliott Kalan

[23:38] No, you know what?

[23:39] My doctor says I need more vinegar.

Dan McCoy

[23:40] Ring him over.

[23:43] And she asks if he's gay.

[23:45] And they kiss.

[23:48] I have a quote here.

[23:49] You need a woman.

[23:50] I got one.

[23:52] The movie's theory about lesbians is that if she sufficiently feminizes Ben Affleck, he'll do, I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[24:01] And that she's...

[24:02] And that's tough in that Wilson's leather jacket he's always wearing.

[24:06] The leather jacket that Wilson the volleyball wears?

[24:09] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[24:12] Is this where I...

[24:13] You're the one summarizing, Dan.

[24:15] You know, this is the one flaw in my notes.

[24:16] I think this is where...

[24:18] A single flaw.

[24:20] Did you not...

[24:20] Otherwise, perfect document.

[24:21] This is where I did not write in...

[24:23] You didn't write in the turkey part?

[24:24] It's turkey time, gobble.

[24:26] You know, I mean, again...

Elliott Kalan

[24:26] Because he's been...

[24:27] He bragged earlier that not only are his genitals genetically designed to give women pleasure,

[24:33] but that he's also way better at cunnilingus than any woman who ever existed,

[24:37] which is a ludicrous claim coming from any man,

[24:40] but kind of feels even more ludicrous coming from Ben Affleck.

[24:43] And that's when she says, it's turkey time, and he goes, what?

[24:46] Understandably says, what?

Dan McCoy

[24:49] And she says...

Elliott Kalan

[24:50] It's going to take a long time to cook one of those.

[24:52] You can't just order one right now.

Dan McCoy

[24:55] Famously, you have to start defrosting them the night before Thanksgiving.

[24:58] She says...

[24:59] If you're going to brine them, it takes days.

[25:00] Yeah, you've got to brine it.

[25:01] Yeah.

[25:03] It's turkey time, gobble, gobble.

[25:05] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[25:07] Which means that she wants to do it like the characters in the movie Freaks, right?

[25:10] Because that's what they say, too?

Dan McCoy

[25:11] They say goobble, gobble.

[25:12] They say goobble, gobble.

[25:13] Oh, that's right.

[25:14] Goobble, gobble, one of us.

[25:15] Thank goodness, yeah.

[25:17] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[25:19] And then they do...

[25:20] Then I withdraw my objections.

[25:23] This is...

Stuart Wellington

[25:24] Then they do it.

[25:26] When we talked about this scene, it was going to get weirder,

[25:28] but this is going in directions I wasn't expecting.

Dan McCoy

[25:31] But they do do it.

[25:33] They do it, which is sex.

[25:35] And earlier, of course, Affleck had, as I said,

[25:39] made a big deal about who the bull was, who the cow.

[25:42] Now he goes moo to indicate that he has embraced his submissive role.

[25:47] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[25:47] If this was a different movie in most other ways...

Dan McCoy

[25:51] Uh-huh, yep.

Elliott Kalan

[25:52] Then this would be the progressive, kind of sexually open-minded movie it thinks it is.

[25:59] But it is not.

[26:01] But it is also one of those things where it's like,

[26:03] all right, I'm willing to give.

[26:06] You can be on top.

[26:07] And the moviegoer is supposed to be like,

[26:08] he's learned something.

[26:10] Yeah.

[26:11] Wow.

[26:12] He's allowing her to commit the sin of Lilith.

[26:14] He truly has changed as a man.

[26:19] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[26:21] Uh...

[26:22] After they, you know, poist...

[26:24] poist-coital.

[26:26] Yeah, poist-coital.

Elliott Kalan

[26:28] Which sounds like an old-timey football player.

[26:30] Oh, poist-coital.

[26:31] Post-coital.

[26:33] That's when poist-coital took the ball in for a 30-yard drive.

[26:36] Oh, my God.

[26:37] Oh, my God.

[26:38] Oh, my God.

Dan McCoy

[26:39] Oh, my God.

[26:39] And Navy beat Army.

[26:41] It's like a...

[26:42] It's the way a gangster who's talking about sex.

[26:46] Yeah, yeah, we were all poist-coital.

[26:47] Poist-coital.

[26:50] That's the wabbit.

[26:54] They're lying in bed.

[26:55] Ricky tells Gigli that she will, of course, be leaving after the gig is over.

[26:59] Makes sense.

[27:00] Yeah.

[27:01] Louis calls.

[27:02] He's angry.

[27:03] He tells the two of them to meet him.

[27:05] Cut to...

[27:06] I mean, there's some stuff in Carpenter.

[27:07] Cut to...

Elliott Kalan

[27:08] We can talk about Sun Tzu at some point, but I think that's...

Dan McCoy

[27:10] Yeah.

[27:10] It doesn't matter.

[27:11] It doesn't matter.

[27:11] Who cares?

[27:13] I shouldn't...

[27:13] Al Pacino is now in the picture.

Elliott Kalan

[27:16] You provide your other...

[27:18] Oh!

[27:18] ...classic actor book idea.

[27:22] You hear about this ice cream and pie?

[27:25] Hoo-ah!

Dan McCoy

[27:29] Al is monologuing about how the most intimidating thing is when someone doesn't give a shit.

[27:36] He asks...

Stuart Wellington

[27:36] I think it's a slightly reserved Al Pacino here.

Dan McCoy

[27:40] I mean, for that period in Al Pacino's career, certainly.

Elliott Kalan

[27:43] This must have been after he had the surgery on his vocal cords that allowed them to be quiet again.

[27:49] Mr. Pacino, I'm sorry, you have vocal loudening.

[27:53] Is it gonna hurt my acting career?

[27:56] With surgery and therapy, we think you might be able to talk at a reasonable conversational tone again.

Dan McCoy

[28:00] Oh!

[28:01] That's great news!

[28:04] Pacino asks Louis if he wants to go to medical school.

[28:07] And Louis is like, medical school?

[28:09] And Al Pacino...

[28:09] You're gonna pay for it?

[28:10] Thank you!

[28:11] ...shoots him in the head and says something like, they always need more dead bodies.

[28:15] He is...

[28:16] He is mad.

Stuart Wellington

[28:17] The only problem is, he didn't hear the punchline.

Dan McCoy

[28:20] Yeah.

[28:22] Now, this scene is...

[28:23] This scene is...

[28:24] I like this scene for Al Pacino, but also because it makes sure that...

[28:29] Like, this is the part in the movie where I'm like, oh, the movie knows that this scheme was dumb.

[28:34] Like, the idea that the way to put pressure on would be to kidnap the prosecutor's brother.

[28:41] And, like, Al Pacino's like, you idiots.

[28:44] Like, this is gonna make...

[28:46] This makes all of the law enforcement mad.

[28:49] Like, they're coming down hard on me.

[28:50] Why would you do this?

[28:51] And at no point is Louis like, it's my fault I told him.

Elliott Kalan

[28:53] To be fair, he's dead at this point.

[28:55] He's dead at this point.

Dan McCoy

[28:55] So he can't really...

Elliott Kalan

[28:56] His ghost isn't like, boo!

[28:58] Don't blame them!

Dan McCoy

[29:00] Well, like, I'll give you this one, Gigli.

[29:02] You know that none of this made any sense at any point.

Elliott Kalan

[29:04] But it feels...

[29:05] This movie sometimes feels like they were writing the script as they went along and then didn't go back and rewrite anything.

[29:10] And then two-thirds of the way through, someone was like, I was reading the pages you wrote.

[29:13] They took it to their writer's group.

[29:15] So we read your pages.

[29:16] The plot...

[29:17] The plan doesn't really make any sense.

[29:19] Do you want to change the plan?

[29:20] I'll just have a character explain it doesn't make any sense.

[29:23] It's a bad plan.

Stuart Wellington

[29:24] This is also a great scene because I feel like Ben Affleck was like, oh, my God.

[29:27] I get to do a scene with Al Pacino.

[29:29] And they're like, you don't get to say anything.

[29:33] You get to sit there and watch him stun on you.

[29:38] So...

Elliott Kalan

[29:38] I mean, it'd still be pretty cool.

[29:41] Just be in that room while Pacino stunts on you.

Dan McCoy

[29:43] J-Lo manages to sweet-talk Pacino into letting them go take care of Brian because he is the only other loose end who is not in the room with them.

[29:51] Take care of him?

[29:52] And they're never on board with Louis.

[29:53] Yeah, you know, take care of him.

[29:54] Like, adopt him?

Stuart Wellington

[29:56] Uh...

Dan McCoy

[29:56] I think she implies that they'll kill him, but that they have no intention to.

[29:59] They have already protected his thumb, so...

[30:01] The rest of his body is also valuable to the whole point of view.

[30:04] In for a thumb, in for a mile, yeah.

[30:05] Yeah.

[30:07] There's a car ride, another car ride, where Gigli tells Brian not to be afraid of women, a weird thing to have happen at this point in the movie.

[30:16] It's also...

Elliott Kalan

[30:16] It's not...

[30:17] Is it based on anything?

Dan McCoy

[30:18] I don't...

[30:19] I mean...

Elliott Kalan

[30:20] Other than his general kind of, like, attitude, sexual interest.

[30:24] He's riding high at this point.

Stuart Wellington

[30:26] He thinks that he has done the impossible and that he is now master of all love and sex.

Elliott Kalan

[30:31] Yeah, he's just the love master of all time.

[30:34] This is earlier...

[30:35] Like a love goof.

[30:36] Yeah.

[30:37] Dan also...

[30:38] He forgot to mention that at one point, he's talking...

[30:40] Brian's talking about the Baywatch, and he talks about how it makes his penis sneeze.

[30:45] Which is...

[30:46] I don't like it.

[30:48] And I felt like I needed to put it in your brains.

Dan McCoy

[30:51] Do you think there's noise, or...

Elliott Kalan

[30:53] Probably.

Stuart Wellington

[30:57] Yeah, probably.

[30:57] Yeah, if you turn the volume up on your phone loud enough, you can hear the noise.

Elliott Kalan

[31:02] On your phone?

Dan McCoy

[31:05] Very specific, Stuart.

[31:09] So they're passing the beach.

[31:10] There's like, oh, the Baywatch is open.

[31:12] So they stop at the beach, where Gigli calls Brian's brother, telling him where Brian is so he can be picked up.

[31:20] Gigli asks Brian how his nails look, and Brian looks at his nails in the masculine way, which is just a little twist at the end.

[31:30] Like, everyone laughs at Affleck for Gettabin being emasculated.

[31:35] Gigli tells Ricky to take his car and get out of town.

[31:38] I don't know why they can't both take the car at this point.

Elliott Kalan

[31:42] I mean, his mom lives in town, you know.

[31:44] I guess so.

[31:45] So there's something going on on the beach.

[31:49] And I have to...

[31:49] This part is distracting, because every time it cuts to Brian, two more women in bikinis walk by him.

[31:55] And at a certain point, I was like, there's an endless stream of women in bikinis who happen to be walking by every time it cuts to him.

Dan McCoy

[32:01] Well, it turns out there's a reason.

[32:03] Because they are, in fact, it seems...

[32:05] I don't know what they say explicitly that they're shooting Baywatch, but it seems like they're shooting, if not Baywatch...

[32:11] Baywatch Nights, perhaps.

[32:13] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[32:14] Or it's like a remake of a Annette Funicello movie or something.

[32:17] Because it's just people in bikinis dancing.

Stuart Wellington

[32:19] Or an episode of California Dreams, right?

[32:22] They shot that live on a beach.

Elliott Kalan

[32:23] Yeah.

[32:24] I mean, almost entirely inside the school, but yeah.

Dan McCoy

[32:27] Brian...

[32:27] Maybe it's an episode of Pacific Blue.

[32:29] Oh, okay.

[32:30] Yeah.

[32:31] The show about bicycle cops on the beach, which, by the way, that seems like a bad mode of transportation on sand.

[32:37] I just want to...

[32:38] What should they write?

[32:41] Dispute the premise of this old USA network.

[32:44] What are you writing?

[32:44] Are they going to ride camels around?

[32:46] That's going to be crazy.

[32:49] Anyway, Brian gets his dream of being part of the Baywatch.

[32:52] He's an extra on the set.

[32:54] He dances with this Australian girl he talks to.

Elliott Kalan

[32:56] Oh, up till now, he's also...

[32:57] He is constantly calling the Australian weather forecast on the phone.

[33:00] Oh, yeah.

[33:01] That's right.

[33:01] Because he likes the sound.

[33:02] He likes the sound of Australian voices.

[33:04] And Julie keeps going, that's expensive.

[33:06] And Brian goes, it's not expensive.

[33:08] That's as far as the conversation goes every single time.

Stuart Wellington

[33:12] At this point...

[33:13] And we see all the principal cast of the show, Baywatch, right?

[33:17] No.

[33:18] No one...

Dan McCoy

[33:19] At this point, J-Lo returns in the car.

[33:24] She reveals that her real name is Rochelle.

[33:27] And they drive away together in a anticlimactic ending that I then...

[33:34] I discovered was because this movie was cut up a lot.

Elliott Kalan

[33:37] Hey, everybody.

[33:38] It's time for our favorite show, Dan McCoy, Movie Detective.

[33:41] Okay.

[33:43] Now, uh...

[33:44] Now, uh, Gilly, something about this ending.

[33:47] It made sense.

[33:48] Something didn't sit right with me about this ending.

[33:50] Seems like nothing really happens at the end.

[33:53] A lot of dangling plot threads.

[33:55] It's like this movie, which up until then has been a potboiler.

[33:59] Kind of fizzles out.

Dan McCoy

[34:01] Yeah, I mean, this is not original research.

[34:04] I didn't call director Martin Brest.

[34:06] I'm like, Marty, what's up?

[34:07] This is freely...

Elliott Kalan

[34:09] Dan, I applaud the restraint you showed in not calling up someone with the name Brest.

[34:14] Knowing your hobbies.

Dan McCoy

[34:19] So, apparently, the original cut...

[34:23] The girlfriend we met earlier and then disappeared is important because she is actually the hit woman.

[34:34] She is the contractor.

[34:35] That is her job.

[34:38] J-Lo's character is her girlfriend.

[34:40] And they had had an argument.

[34:41] And she wanted to walk in her girlfriend's shoes.

[34:45] So, she decided to sort of play act as a contractor for the weekend.

Elliott Kalan

[34:49] Because J-Lo's dad, Atticus Finch, told her...

[34:52] No.

[34:52] Don't judge your mentally imbalanced girlfriend until you've killed a mile in her shoes.

Dan McCoy

[34:58] So, that's why...

[35:00] I mean, in retrospect, it makes the scene where she threatens those guys work a little bit better.

[35:05] Because it's like, this is why she's not actually threatening.

Elliott Kalan

[35:07] It certainly justifies the existence of that character.

[35:10] Yes.

[35:10] And shows why she's a...

[35:11] Yeah, why she's a danger, you know.

Dan McCoy

[35:13] But that's why she's like, I can't be the girl you want me to be.

[35:17] Because she literally isn't.

[35:19] She drives out of the movie.

[35:20] She is gone at that point.

[35:22] There's no happy ending for them.

[35:25] As in real life, until later.

[35:27] Until later, everyone.

[35:30] Bennifor, term two.

[35:32] And then...

[35:33] They said it couldn't be done.

Elliott Kalan

[35:35] But they did it, everybody.

Dan McCoy

[35:36] Gigli, now reformed, you know, tries to give Brian over to Christopher Walken.

[35:42] Turns out Christopher Walken is a crooked cop.

[35:46] Something totally unsurprising, given how creepy he was acting.

Elliott Kalan

[35:50] The most shocking thing about the movie is that Christopher Walken does not turn out to be a crooked cop.

Dan McCoy

[35:55] Yeah.

[35:55] They get into a shootout.

[35:58] Christopher Walken dies.

[36:01] Affleck is mortally wounded.

[36:05] Dying, he drives Brian back to the beach.

Elliott Kalan

[36:09] And then he dies while Brian is dancing with him.

[36:11] Yes.

[36:11] And it's going to be called...

[36:12] The movie's called Back to the Beach.

[36:14] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[36:15] And Ed Funicella.

[36:17] Pee-wee comes out and does a Surf and Bird rendition.

[36:20] It's pretty great.

Elliott Kalan

[36:21] Sounds great.

[36:21] So it's literally the same as Back to the Beach.

[36:23] Yes.

[36:24] It's the same movie.

[36:24] They just remade it.

[36:25] Oh, okay.

Dan McCoy

[36:26] Yeah, that's Gigli.

Elliott Kalan

[36:27] That's the original ending for Gigli.

[36:29] So it was more of a kind of like Midnight Cowboy type of depressing movie.

Dan McCoy

[36:35] Originally, apparently it was more of a crime film.

Elliott Kalan

[36:37] They turned it into more of an urban cowboy kind of, you know, funzo film, you know.

Dan McCoy

[36:43] Yeah, it was a real funzo.

[36:44] That's what I would say about Gigli.

[36:51] The Eurovision Song Contest.

[36:53] Hundreds of millions of people watch it every year.

Stuart Wellington

[36:55] It played a part in a democratic revolution in Portugal.

[36:58] It introduced the world to Riverdance.

[36:59] And it launched Celine Dion's career.

[37:01] But you might have never watched it.

[37:03] It's got so much history and so many storylines that it can feel overwhelming to get into.

[37:07] Mm-hmm.

[37:08] It's like a Real Housewives season.

[37:09] But everyone's a better singer.

[37:11] Well, sometimes.

[37:12] But that's where we come in.

[37:13] I'm Dimitri Pompei.

[37:14] I'm Oscar Montoya.

[37:15] And I'm Jeremy Bent.

[37:16] And we're the hosts of Eurovangelists.

[37:17] If you're new to Eurovision, we'll tell you everything you need to know to start enjoying the world's most important song competition.

S8

[37:22] And if you're already a fan, we'll dive deep on its wildest moments.

[37:25] Like when Ireland sends a turkey puppet to sing for them.

[37:28] Eurovangelists.

Stuart Wellington

[37:29] New episodes every Thursday.

Dan McCoy

[37:31] On MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.

S4

[37:36] I'm Jordan Cruciola, host of Feeling Seed, where we start by asking our guests just one question.

[37:42] What movie character made you feel seen?

S8

[37:44] I knew exactly what it was.

[37:46] Clementine from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

[37:50] Choi Wang slash Chabu Tupaki.

S4

[37:53] That one question launches amazing conversations about their lives, the movies they love, and about the past, present, and future of entertainment.

Stuart Wellington

[38:00] Roy in Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

S8

[38:03] I worry about what this might say about me, but I've brought Tracy Flick in the film Election.

S4

[38:10] So if you like movies, diverse perspectives, and great conversations, check us out.

[38:14] Oof, this is real.

[38:16] New episodes of Feeling Seen drop every week on MaximumFun.org.

Dan McCoy

[38:21] Hey there.

[38:22] Breaking in with one Jumbotron this week is a message for Seth, and it is from Melissa.

[38:29] Happy birthday, Seth.

[38:31] Your love of movies and desire to share them with me and our friends is truly the best.

[38:38] Dakota and I are lucky to get to do life with you.

[38:42] That's very sweet.

[38:44] I hope for everyone that you have someone out there that it's fun to do life with.

[38:52] And happy birthday again to Seth.

[38:56] And now, back to the show.

[39:00] So, we've done it.

[39:02] Now this is the point where we make our final judgment on Zeely.

[39:07] Okay.

[39:09] Weather.

[39:09] Zeely.

[39:10] Yep.

[39:10] You have been accused of being not good.

[39:13] Is this a good, bad movie?

[39:15] Is it a bad, bad movie?

[39:17] Is it a movie you kind of like?

[39:20] For once, I'm going to throw it to you first, Stuart.

[39:22] What do you have to say?

[39:22] Oh, no.

Stuart Wellington

[39:23] I'm in the hot seat.

[39:25] No, I think this is, I would argue this is a bad, bad movie.

[39:28] There are, there is one.

[39:30] Prove your point, sir.

[39:32] What evidence?

[39:33] There's, I mean, there's one incredible scene featuring Christopher Walken.

[39:38] We've talked about it quite a bit.

[39:40] But, no, it's, yeah, I mean, it feels like it is wrongheaded.

[39:45] And I don't know if I'd say it's miscast.

[39:47] But I feel like Ben Affleck hasn't, hadn't reached that state in his powers yet that he could pull this performance off.

[39:55] Like, he's like, he couldn't do the, like, silly idiot well enough for me.

[40:01] But, yeah, I'm going to say bad, bad.

Dan McCoy

[40:04] Yeah, I'm going to say bad, bad, too.

[40:05] I watched this movie when it came out because it was a legendary flop and I was curious about it.

[40:10] And re-watching it, like, sort of squinting, I'm like, oh, I can kind of see the movie they wanted to make.

[40:16] I can kind of get it more.

[40:17] Because, like, I think if you took out the two central huge problems in the movie, there's some stuff in here.

[40:25] I'm like, oh, yeah.

[40:25] There's not enough, though, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[40:27] This quirky fun.

[40:28] You take those two things out, there's, like, nothing left.

Dan McCoy

[40:30] Like, that is the movie.

[40:31] There's all that part where they're driving around in the car.

Elliott Kalan

[40:33] I mean, come on.

[40:33] I guess you're right, yeah.

[40:34] If it's just a movie about Jennifer Lopez intimidating teens, yeah.

[40:37] Yeah.

[40:39] Yeah.

[40:40] Her dangerous mind.

[40:41] It is more...

Dan McCoy

[40:42] It is more interesting than I gave it credit for at the time, but it is...

[40:48] Yeah, it's bad.

[40:49] Sadly, bad, bad.

Elliott Kalan

[40:50] It is also bad.

[40:51] I'm going to make it a triple unanimous vote that it's bad, bad.

[40:55] I wish it was shorter and faster moving.

[40:59] And then maybe it could be good, bad.

[41:01] But it's a movie that really takes its time.

[41:03] It feels like it is...

[41:04] It's still living off the fumes of that 90s era when you could do, like, a kind of quasi-crime,

[41:10] quasi-talking movie where people just hang out in rooms and talk.

[41:14] And you're like, hmm, I'm seeing...

[41:16] I'm learning something about human nature.

[41:17] Yeah.

[41:18] It's cool.

[41:18] And instead, it's neither of those things.

[41:21] And they do spend a lot of time just hanging around his apartment.

[41:24] And there are certain points...

[41:25] It's bad when you're watching a movie about a kidnapping and you're like...

[41:29] So, they're just there all day?

[41:33] Like, do they...

[41:34] Like, what do they do most of the day?

[41:36] Like, what?

[41:37] What do they...

[41:38] They've been there all day.

[41:39] How are they entertaining him?

[41:41] And there's no...

[41:42] I guess...

[41:43] But it's also such a loose kidnapping because they're just like,

[41:45] Brian, don't use the phone.

Stuart Wellington

[41:50] Oh.

[41:51] The police are here.

[41:51] You should probably go in the other room.

[41:53] And Brian is like, okay.

[41:54] Like, it is...

Dan McCoy

[41:55] Yeah.

[41:56] So, I will say, go just watch Christopher Walken in that one scene on YouTube

[42:02] and you'll get your money's worth.

[42:04] We have about 10 minutes to do questions because we've got to turn the room over

[42:09] for more Sketchfest shows.

[42:11] There's going to be...

[42:12] There's a microphone, I think, coming out over there.

[42:17] I'm watching it.

[42:18] It's moving.

[42:19] It's right there.

[42:19] Follow my finger as it moves into the...

[42:21] It's going to be...

[42:22] I think it's going to end up over here.

[42:24] Yeah.

[42:24] Yes.

[42:24] So, we're going to cut it off with Brute Force in about 10 minutes.

[42:30] But up until that point...

[42:31] Brute Force starring Hume Cronin and Brian Fester?

Elliott Kalan

[42:35] Yeah.

[42:35] What an amazing movie.

[42:38] Okay.

[42:38] So, if you have a great question, please ask it.

[42:41] If your question is okay, think about asking it.

[42:43] If your question is bad, don't even get up.

[42:46] Okay.

[42:47] We're going to do these rapid fire.

[42:48] So, I hope these questions are easy.

[42:49] Yes.

S5

[42:50] Think of mine as easy.

[42:51] Hi, Peaches.

[42:52] My name is Brooke.

[42:53] Last name withheld.

[42:54] Hello.

[42:55] Dan, we don't have the time.

[42:57] And I am the fan, I'm pretty sure, who recommended Dweegans and Leprechauns.

Stuart Wellington

[43:01] Oh.

[43:01] Oh, wow.

[43:02] Thank you for that.

[43:03] Oh, you're so welcome.

[43:04] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[43:04] What have you done to atone?

S5

[43:05] I'm so sorry.

[43:07] My question is, if you were a Dweegan...

[43:10] God damn it.

[43:10] What would your schtick be?

[43:13] Because they all sort of had their own schtick.

Elliott Kalan

[43:14] I mean, I'm not that far from being a Dweegan, to be honest.

[43:17] Just what, like a Leprechaun and a fairy have sex and they make a Dweegan, right?

[43:21] Yeah.

[43:21] Or was it?

[43:21] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[43:22] Yeah.

[43:22] I'm glad you explained it to everybody.

[43:24] Yeah.

[43:24] I'm really interested.

Elliott Kalan

[43:25] I mean, yeah.

[43:26] In case there's one or two people in the audience who didn't see Dweegans and Leprechauns.

[43:29] Yeah.

[43:30] The biggest hit of that year.

[43:31] Yeah.

[43:32] Dweegans and Leprechauns.

[43:33] And, yep.

[43:34] The Oscar goes to, I don't even know why I opened the envelope, Dweegans and Leprechauns.

[43:38] The biggest stand-up and cheer moment of the year.

[43:40] Yeah.

[43:41] When the Dweegans entered the Speed Force.

[43:42] So, Dan, what would you be?

Dan McCoy

[43:44] I'm just going to say I'll have a little deer stopper cap and I'll, like, have a pipe that

[43:48] has bubbles that comes out of it.

Stuart Wellington

[43:50] Oh.

[43:51] Good.

[43:51] I think my thing's going to be eating fried chicken and loving wife's butts.

[43:55] Oh.

Dan McCoy

[43:56] What?

[43:56] Wait, stop.

[43:57] Hold on.

Elliott Kalan

[43:59] That's intellectual property theft.

[44:00] Thank you.

[44:01] Yes, Dweegans can do whatever they want.

Dan McCoy

[44:04] Hi there.

[44:04] John, last name withheld.

[44:05] I'm just curious, after watching so many bad movies, and I apologize if you've answered

[44:09] this before, but are there particular movies that you wish you had been on set for to just

[44:15] see what went down?

Elliott Kalan

[44:18] This is a different kind.

[44:19] It's not an entirely bad movie, but I think I've said before, I would love to be on the

[44:23] set of David Lynch's Dune.

[44:24] Okay.

[44:25] Yeah.

[44:25] Partly because I want to see those puppets.

[44:27] Yeah.

[44:27] But also, just to walk around and just to go up to David Lynch and be like, do you know

[44:30] what you're doing?

[44:31] And I'm going to go, well, maybe this is what I do in my career now.

[44:36] They asked me to make a movie about space worms.

[44:42] Stuart might be thinking about the bit I was doing backstage, which was David Lynch hosting

[44:46] the Kids' Choice Awards.

[44:50] I'm so happy to be here on the night where kids rule.

[44:54] Who's going to win?

[44:56] Dan, what about you?

Dan McCoy

[45:02] I feel like in the interest of getting through people, let's let that stand because it's

[45:05] beautiful.

[45:06] Thank you.

[45:08] Okay.

[45:08] Thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[45:09] All right.

[45:10] My five-year-old loves Horse Meets Dogs.

[45:12] Oh, thank you very much.

[45:13] So I want to thank Elliot for writing that book.

S8

[45:15] Thank you.

[45:16] I was wondering if Dan and Stu wrote a piece of children's fiction, what would the moral

[45:22] be?

Stuart Wellington

[45:24] Shut up.

Dan McCoy

[45:29] What's the kids' version of let people fuck tunes?

Elliott Kalan

[45:35] I don't think you have to tell kids that.

[45:37] Be yourself.

[45:40] And Stu?

Stuart Wellington

[45:45] Be careful how you talk to service people.

[45:49] A specific but great moral.

[45:52] Yeah.

[45:52] I mean, I think that's really helpful because, yeah, I just hate it so much.

[45:56] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[45:56] It's not enough kids learn about proper tipping early enough.

Stuart Wellington

[45:59] No, I just mean like parents shouldn't be like at a fucking deli with a line and be

[46:03] like, okay, what do you want to order from the man?

[46:05] The guy's like, ugh, I'm busy.

[46:07] Why do I have to hear this fucking kid mispronounce words?

[46:11] It's Cabagool, kid.

Elliott Kalan

[46:14] Get the fuck out of here.

[46:15] Get the fuck out of here.

[46:18] It's a Sopranos joke.

[46:19] Anyway, thank you.

[46:22] Hi, Tim.

[46:23] Nothing withheld.

[46:24] I'm not embarrassed.

[46:24] Bab.

[46:25] Wow.

[46:26] Wow.

[46:26] Bold move.

[46:27] Yeah, I'm proud to be a Flophouse fan.

[46:28] Doxed himself.

S8

[46:29] I want to know if there's any movie that you've done already that you've revisited later and

[46:35] thought, oh, they're jokes I didn't put in the podcast that I wish I could have put

[46:38] in the podcast.

[46:39] Like, you're like, oh, I wish I'd said that.

Stuart Wellington

[46:43] We've been doing this for like 16 years.

Dan McCoy

[46:46] Yeah.

[46:48] It's hard to remember.

[46:48] Like, people will occasionally tweet a joke at me that should have been in the show.

[46:55] And my reaction, I love that people listen to the show and I love that they care to reach

[47:02] out.

[47:04] My reaction is never good because it's either like, no, that's not a good joke.

[47:08] Or, yes, damn it, you're right.

[47:10] I should have said that.

[47:11] Now I feel bad.

Elliott Kalan

[47:14] I don't even, I barely remember what we say in it.

Stuart Wellington

[47:17] Yeah, I mean, I can't give specific examples, but I'm assuming we miss a lot of jokes because

[47:22] mainly we're not even really talking about the movie.

[47:25] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[47:26] In the olden days when we used to record the show, we recorded at midnight, basically.

[47:30] So we weren't in our right minds.

[47:32] I had a belly full of fried chicken.

[47:34] I don't know what I was saying.

[47:35] I was like seven beers deep.

[47:38] So the answer is yes.

S6

[47:39] And now look at you.

[47:41] Thank you.

[47:41] Yeah.

[47:41] Look at me.

[47:43] Eric, last name withheld.

[47:44] It feels like Quentin Tarantino is ultimately to blame for Gigli in an indirect way.

[47:48] Sure, yeah.

[47:48] We can do that.

Elliott Kalan

[47:49] This is something my friend Tom Manning said to me over text today.

[47:52] So, Tom, you scooped him.

S6

[47:53] What good director do you think is indirectly responsible for the most egregious crimes against

[47:57] cinema?

Dan McCoy

[47:58] What director?

[47:59] Good director.

[48:00] Okay.

[48:00] Well, that narrows it.

[48:01] Yeah.

[48:02] I mean, I don't necessarily buy Lucas, probably.

[48:09] Just in the sense that he popularized the idea of Joseph Campbell should be the model for

[48:17] all movies.

[48:18] Yes.

[48:19] That's not true.

[48:20] That really flattens out storytelling.

Elliott Kalan

[48:22] But Dan, every movie is the same movie.

[48:24] Raiders of the Lost Ark, Star Wars, Willow.

[48:30] They're all the same.

[48:31] Every movie.

[48:32] Last year at Marion Bad, Day for Night.

[48:35] It's all the same story.

[48:37] But yeah, that's a good answer.

[48:39] That's a good answer.

Dan McCoy

[48:39] Yeah.

[48:40] Well, thank you.

[48:40] Let's move along then.

[48:41] Okay.

[48:41] Hi.

Stuart Wellington

[48:43] Matthew Grieve, last name with Held.

[48:45] I was wondering if you, what background Star Wars character would you choose to make a Star

[48:50] Wars Disney Plus miniseries and why?

Elliott Kalan

[48:52] Gonk droid.

[48:53] Gonk droid.

[48:54] Gonk droid.

[48:56] Yeah.

[48:56] Give me that gonk.

[48:58] What's his story?

[48:59] What's his, he's a trash can with feet.

[49:01] He says one word.

[49:03] He just walks around real slow like a boss.

[49:06] What's his home life?

[49:07] Does he have a wife?

[49:09] Let's do the show.

[49:10] Come on.

[49:11] Gonk droid.

Stuart Wellington

[49:12] Gonk.

[49:13] Yeah.

[49:13] What's his, what's his hero's journey?

[49:14] What's his Joseph Campbell story?

Elliott Kalan

[49:16] No.

[49:16] Here's the thing though.

[49:17] Here's the thing though.

[49:17] I'm going to cheat a little bit because there's also a backdoor pilot for a salacious

[49:20] Grombo series.

[49:21] Yeah.

[49:23] Love me that Kowakian monkey lizard.

Dan McCoy

[49:25] Yes, sir.

[49:26] Adam, last name withheld from Lucasfilm.

Elliott Kalan

[49:28] You're hired.

[49:29] Yeah.

[49:29] Yes.

[49:30] Oh, wow.

[49:30] Oh, finally my dream.

[49:32] Not at all.

[49:32] Then I sit down and I'm like, I got to write 10 episodes of a gonk show?

[49:36] What did I get myself into?

S6

[49:38] So I've noticed that a common thread on a lot of like bad, bad films is that they

Stuart Wellington

[49:43] have flashbacks to scenes that already occurred in the film.

[49:46] Yeah.

[49:47] And I'm wondering if you can think of a movie where that was ever used well.

Elliott Kalan

[49:53] There definitely are some that are not coming to mind at the moment.

[49:59] There are definitely movies that will flashback to something, to previous footage in a way

[50:04] that recontextualizes it.

[50:06] Like it adds something to it.

Stuart Wellington

[50:07] Not just adds like, oh, the killer was back there.

[50:09] You know.

[50:10] Well, Dan's favorite actor, Kevin Spacey, was in Usual Suspects.

Elliott Kalan

[50:14] No.

[50:15] Stop doing this.

[50:15] You said something, Dan, about how it's the audience's duty to separate the artists from

[50:20] their art?

[50:21] Yeah.

[50:22] I mean, that's what he says in the group chat.

[50:24] I mean, he doesn't say it in public.

Dan McCoy

[50:26] Let's move on.

[50:28] I think we can get through everyone who's currently up standing.

[50:32] Yeah.

[50:32] If no more people join.

[50:33] Yeah.

S8

[50:34] Nathan, last name withheld.

[50:36] I want to bring us back to Gigli and to the climactic scene.

[50:39] Oh, thanks.

[50:40] Where they're, where.

[50:42] Gotta go back to Gigli.

[50:44] Did it, did, did it.

[50:45] Where Ben Affleck is engaged in coitus.

[50:50] And there's a moment where it can only be described as a thousand yard stare occurs.

[50:56] During which probably is orgasm.

[50:58] My question to you guys is, do you think this is how he looks when he's actually engaged

[51:02] in coitus with Jennifer Lopez?

Elliott Kalan

[51:04] I'm going to say not when, not at the time, but possibly now.

Stuart Wellington

[51:09] I mean, you've seen his, like, unless he's holding a fucking dunk, he's hanging out of

[51:13] a smile.

Dan McCoy

[51:14] Yeah.

[51:15] He has a collection of sad memes at this point.

Elliott Kalan

[51:17] There's that picture of him just staring out the ocean with that big Phoenix tattoo on

[51:21] his face.

[51:21] Awesome.

[51:23] Yes, please.

S7

[51:24] Hi, Emily, last name withheld.

[51:27] I don't know if you've seen the Dune 2 promotional popcorn bucket.

[51:30] Yeah.

[51:31] Yes.

[51:31] Yeah.

[51:32] It's a sandworm mouth you have to reach through with the sort of rubber teeth that you have

[51:37] to put your hand through.

[51:38] Anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[51:38] Just as Frank Herbert intended when he wrote the book.

S7

[51:41] What movie do you wish would have had a promotional popcorn bucket?

[51:45] And what would it have been?

Elliott Kalan

[51:46] That's a really good question.

[51:47] Oh, that's a great question.

[51:49] Ooh, there's so much potential there.

Dan McCoy

[51:51] Well, Elliot thinks, I just want to mention that I was texting.

[51:55] My friends texted me a David Ehrlich tweet where he's like, yes, you can fuck the bucket.

[52:02] And I was like, how fuckable could this bucket be?

[52:06] And then I saw the bucket and I'm like, that's a pretty fuckable bucket.

Stuart Wellington

[52:09] You should just call it a fuck it.

[52:10] I'm going to say Mandy Cheddar Goblin bucket.

Elliott Kalan

[52:13] Oh, man.

[52:14] That's good.

[52:16] I want an alien bucket that's shaped like John Hurt's chest.

Dan McCoy

[52:22] I want like a gremlins bucket because they have popcorn in the movie.

[52:26] It's just like an infinite.

[52:27] I mean, the poster is, he's coming out of a poster.

[52:28] Exactly.

[52:29] Infinite regress of like bucket after bucket after, like gremlins with buckets of popcorn.

Stuart Wellington

[52:34] Thank you.

[52:35] Yeah, I want a tar bucket that just looks like Lydia Tarr.

Dan McCoy

[52:39] You just want everything to look like Lydia Tarr.

[52:41] Stuart is so into tar.

[52:42] You're going to reach into her head.

[52:44] Okay, last question of the evening.

[52:46] Better be about tar.

S8

[52:48] I'm going to disappoint you.

[52:50] My name's Frank, last name withheld.

[52:52] That's a good name.

[52:54] Okay.

[52:56] Just so you know.

Elliott Kalan

[52:58] Dan, why did you, why did you phrase that?

[52:59] I'm stuck with it.

S8

[53:00] It's been 30 years.

[53:01] You said he was going to disappoint us.

Elliott Kalan

[53:03] I get it.

[53:04] It sounded like it was a compliment that was phrased in order to make a question in life.

S8

[53:08] Okay, with the question.

[53:08] Are you ready for me?

[53:09] Okay, great.

[53:10] Okay.

[53:11] So, would it shock you to know that the only positive thing about this movie is the score,

[53:18] which was played over the most shitty monologues that you've ever heard in your entire life?

Dan McCoy

[53:23] That would shock me.

S8

[53:25] But it did.

[53:25] That was the only positive accolades.

[53:27] Who, do you know who did it?

[53:29] John Powell.

[53:30] Don't know.

[53:31] Who gives a fuck.

[53:32] But seriously, that was the only good thing about the movie.

Dan McCoy

[53:34] So, buy the score.

[53:36] Yeah.

[53:37] Watch Christopher Walken.

[53:38] Buy the score.

[53:39] Available on Arista Records.

[53:40] Listen to Christopher Walken while the score plays.

[53:44] We got to get off stage because there are a lot of Sketch Fest shows, but thank you so much for coming out.

[53:48] Thank you.

[53:49] Thank you for being great.

[53:50] You were a delight.

[53:51] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[53:53] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[53:55] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[53:56] Hi-ya!

[53:56] Bye-bye.

[53:59] Thank you to everybody at COGS.

[54:00] Thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[54:09] Welcome to 2024, everybody.

[54:11] You ready for a great year?

[54:14] Yeah, I don't buy it either.

[54:25] Maximum Fun.

S7

[54:27] A worker-owned network.

S8

[54:28] Of artist-owned shows.

[54:30] Supported.

[54:31] Directly.

[54:32] By you.

Ep. #415 - Gigli, LIVE from SF Sketchfest!

Transcript

In this episode

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