Ep. #416 - Cobra, LIVE!

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Cobra!

[0:04] Live from Vancouver, Canada!

[0:31] Hey everyone, and welcome to The Flophouse, I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:38] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:40] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:43] And we are...

[0:44] I added a lot more N's to my name.

[0:50] Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

[0:52] Stolen Valor.

[0:54] Junior.

[0:55] Yeah, I've been going around pickpocketing N's from other people's names.

[1:00] Christopher Ola, the director of Oppenheimer.

[1:04] Two N's more in my sack.

[1:08] We're here in Vancouver, Canada.

[1:12] Look, it's baseball pitching superstar Ola Raya.

[1:16] Three more N's for Elliot.

[1:23] I wish I could say I'm not trying to think of a name with a lot of N's in it.

[1:27] That's how I getcha.

[1:29] Yeah, this is a podcast where you watch a bad movie, then we talk about it.

[1:33] Now, for this live episode, we decided to watch Cobra!

[1:39] A canon classic starring one Mr. Sly Stallone.

[1:44] And written by Sly.

[1:46] Yeah, when he says canon, just for anyone who's not a bad movie buff,

[1:50] he means canon films, not canon like it's in the Bible.

[1:54] There's no book of Cobra.

[1:57] It's listed on the syllabus, we have to read it.

[2:00] It's a classic text of Western civilization.

[2:03] So we watched Cobra, this is a movie, I'm not going to lie to you,

[2:06] I've seen this movie before.

[2:08] Guys, have you seen this movie before?

[2:10] I have seen it. I've actually been meaning to re-watch Cobra.

[2:13] For once in my life, the podcast has been a good excuse to see a movie I wanted to see.

[2:18] I was like, hey Dan, have you seen The Holdovers yet?

[2:20] He's like, nah, I'm waiting to watch Cobra first.

[2:23] The Holdovers doesn't make sense if you haven't seen Cobra yet.

[2:26] It's true, actually.

[2:27] My wife really wants to see The Holdovers.

[2:29] I'm being good and waiting.

[2:32] You are good.

[2:34] You're being very good.

[2:35] You know what, you're great.

[2:37] I'll take it, thank you.

[2:38] He was waiting for me to say back to him that he was great, but I didn't do it.

[2:41] You know, I'll take any level.

[2:43] I'm on board.

[2:45] Okay everybody, so let's talk Cobra.

[2:46] I'm going to go through the plot of Cobra.

[2:47] These guys are going to chime in and interrupt me, or try to.

[2:51] Anyway, Cobra starts the same way every movie should start.

[3:00] With a voiceover of Sylvester Stallone telling you suspect crime statistics.

[3:05] In America, there's a burglary every 11 seconds.

[3:10] Somebody steals a baby every 15 seconds.

[3:13] Every 34 minutes, somebody says they're going to pay for a piece of baked goods in a store,

[3:19] and they just run away.

[3:21] It's only now occurring to me that we should have called up our old daily show fact checker friend,

[3:27] Adam Chodokoff, and be like, hey Adam, can you fact check these Cobra statistics for us?

[3:32] Can you tell them to see what the crime statistics were for 1986?

[3:34] That's accurate.

[3:36] Well Dan, I'll have you know that I did the fact checking myself.

[3:39] That's right everybody, it's me, Sylvester Stallone.

[3:41] I made it out.

[3:42] I didn't know whether he was going to come, but.

[3:44] When I saw that you were going to talk about my movie Cobra, which I.

[3:47] It's going to be two hours of this.

[3:49] It's a movie I starred in and wrote, and probably directed to under an assumed name maybe.

[3:55] Yeah.

[3:56] And maybe I played all the other parts as well.

[3:59] A real total divorce.

[4:00] Even Brigitte Nielsen's role.

[4:02] Yes, we met on set and I said, let's get married, but first I will do your part.

[4:08] Allow me to assume your physical form.

[4:10] I got to live out every man's dream of kissing himself on camera.

[4:14] But I checked all those statistics.

[4:18] I went around to the newspaper offices in town and I said, give me your crime statistics.

[4:22] The large man is yelling at us.

[4:25] I was already famous, Daniel.

[4:27] They knew it was me, Sylvester Stallone.

[4:29] I'm sorry, I presumed you went out incognito as a famous man.

[4:33] Impossible.

[4:34] I'm just that famous.

[4:36] That's true.

[4:38] Once COVID, everyone was wearing masks.

[4:40] And even though I wore a mask, everyone was like, are you Sylvester Stallone?

[4:43] And I'd be like, no, I'm just a masked regular person.

[4:46] You're right.

[4:47] I cannot imagine encountering Sylvester Stallone and not knowing it was Sylvester Stallone.

[4:51] Yeah, exactly.

[4:52] Imagine me when I look at myself in the mirror and I'm like, oh, it's Sylvester Stallone.

[4:55] What are you doing in my house?

[4:56] You get the fuck out of here.

[4:57] And I pull a gun.

[4:58] I say, how'd you get out of here?

[4:59] And my family is like, Sly, Sly.

[5:01] Because they call me that too.

[5:03] They go, Sly, it's you.

[5:04] It's a mirror.

[5:05] And I'm like, oh, thank goodness.

[5:06] I thought I was in the movie Judge Dredd again where I was dealing with my clone.

[5:13] Well, I'm glad I took a stab in that road.

[5:17] Well, anyway, maybe I'll be back later.

[5:19] I don't know.

[5:20] I noticed there was some Tostitos in the back.

[5:24] Yeah.

[5:25] Restaurant style.

[5:26] I'll go have that.

[5:27] OK, Sylvester Stallone's leaving.

[5:28] It's me again now.

[5:30] In the old days, I'd do a bit where I was like, oh, I just came back.

[5:33] Where's Sly Stallone?

[5:34] I don't need to do that anymore.

[5:35] I'm more Stallone than Elliot now.

[5:37] He has these statistics as we're looking at the handle of a gun with a cobra image on it.

[5:42] And then the gun turns and points at us, the audience.

[5:46] And does it fire?

[5:47] I can't remember.

[5:48] What I assume would be an homage to the movie Spellbound.

[5:53] OK.

[5:54] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[5:55] Yeah.

[5:56] We're kind of given a vision of hell.

[5:59] There's occasional shots of people riding motorcycles over a red, fiery backdrop.

[6:03] It's the blood red skies of Southern California.

[6:06] And there's a mysterious person on a motorcycle.

[6:09] He looks super cool in silhouette.

[6:11] You'd be forgiven for thinking this is our titular hero, Cobra, the snake man.

[6:15] But no, because intercut with this man riding a bike under these blood red skies are scenes of the meeting of an axe-killing cult,

[6:23] which is mainly a bunch of guys who meet in the sewer and they each hold one axe in each hand and clang them together.

[6:28] Clang them together, yeah.

[6:29] That's the extent of the service, the ceremony.

[6:32] I mean, that sounds like a nice club.

[6:33] You get to a certain age, you just want to meet new people.

[6:36] Yeah.

[6:37] It's hard to make friends after a certain point when you're like you leave school, like maybe your kids are all grown up.

[6:43] It's hard to meet people.

[6:44] You need a common interest, like clanging axes.

[6:47] Yeah, like axe clanging.

[6:48] Axes aren't that expensive.

[6:49] You can buy axes.

[6:50] I could buy axes, sure.

[6:52] Yeah, I think you could.

[6:53] What are you trying to say about me?

[6:54] No, I mean, I don't know.

[6:55] Dan, I hate to break it to you this way, but for all these people, you couldn't buy an axe.

[6:58] Yeah, I mean, I think the thing is you just don't have like axe cult vibes, right?

[7:02] Yes, yes.

[7:03] Although you are wearing a...

[7:04] Yeah, I'm wearing a plaid flannel, you know.

[7:06] I mean, it feels like you're patronizing things.

[7:08] I mean, you have lumberjack vibes, but for that you're going to use one of those double crosscut saws, right?

[7:12] That's true.

[7:13] I'd need a partner.

[7:14] Yeah.

[7:15] There's a lot to think about.

[7:16] No, but it's another reason people become lumberjacks, to meet other people.

[7:19] It's a two person saw.

[7:20] I need another wanted second man for saw.

[7:24] Must like flapjacks.

[7:26] L for L.

[7:28] Oh, it's lumberjack for lumberjack?

[7:30] Yeah, yeah.

[7:31] Misconnection.

[7:32] I was cutting down a tree.

[7:33] You were cutting down another tree.

[7:34] Well, chemistry?

[7:35] Question mark?

[7:36] Thought, would be easier to cut down tree together?

[7:38] Yeah.

[7:39] Answers to name P. Bunyan.

[7:43] So, we were watching the axe clanging cult, and this was the moment when in real life, IRL, Dan was so excited,

[7:49] he knocked over the cup of tea he had made for himself and spilled it all over the desk in my hotel room.

[7:54] And he kept muttering, like, oh, word, oh, oh, oh, oh, no.

[7:59] Yeah, but more like piglet.

[8:01] Oh, dear, oh, oh.

[8:03] We all know I'd be in Eeyore.

[8:05] Yeah, that's true.

[8:06] You would be in Eeyore.

[8:07] That's true.

[8:08] Would be.

[8:09] Are.

[8:10] Anyway, so, this biker, it's not Sly Sloan.

[8:13] He goes to a supermarket.

[8:14] Understandable.

[8:15] That's where the food is.

[8:16] But he's not interested in food.

[8:18] Instead, he parks his motorcycle in a handicapped spot.

[8:20] So, you know this guy is a bad dude.

[8:22] Yeah, bad guy.

[8:23] And he goes to the grocery store, and he's just knocking people aside.

[8:26] And then he takes out his pump-action shotgun, the official weapon of 1980s low-budget action movies, and just starts blasting all the produce.

[8:33] Yeah, because this is before Last Boy Scout where we reached peak Uzi culture.

[8:39] Yes, Uzi.

[8:40] Pre-Uzi.

[8:41] The late 80s, early 90s was Uzi times.

[8:43] But this is the kind of early to mid-80s where it was all about pump-action shotguns.

[8:47] What's the weapon du jour of action movies now?

[8:49] Like, I saw that Oppenheimer, like atomic bombs?

[8:51] I think so.

[8:52] Yeah.

[8:53] Second Oppenheimer joke of the episode.

[8:55] Really going to date this episode in the future.

[8:57] Like those swords with, like, a cool handle that has other, like, spikes on them?

[9:02] And what movies is that in?

[9:04] I like science fiction stuff.

[9:06] Sorry.

[9:07] I'm thinking about how we're still in the supermarket.

[9:09] But I do want to – you made a good point, Ali.

[9:11] Yeah, we're lost in the supermarket.

[9:13] Thank you.

[9:15] That was for the Clash family.

[9:18] No, it's like the game that this movie is playing.

[9:22] Like, if you thought that Dirty Harry wasn't fascist enough, this is the movie for you because –

[9:28] Yes, this movie is – it's saying we need cops that will break every rule and every bone in a perpetrator's body.

[9:36] And what kind of world justifies that cop?

[9:38] Yeah.

[9:39] A world of nonstop random violence.

[9:41] Cattling maniacal, criminal, violent people with no particular motivation for anything they're doing.

[9:47] As we'll learn later, they have a very good, if vague, and seemingly tacked-on motivation.

[9:52] I mean, if they, like, put a bow on it, they even cast the serial killer from Dirty Harry to play a cop in this world.

[9:59] That's how bad –

[10:00] This world is. Scorpio from Dirty Harry is one of the cops in this one.

[10:03] He's the voice of reason. He's the one like...

[10:05] And he's the weak cop who's always like,

[10:07] Cobra, you really shouldn't have ripped that guy's throat out

[10:09] before we knew if he had parked in that handicap spot.

[10:11] Like, that's how bad this world is.

[10:13] Scorpio is the nice guy.

[10:15] So anyway, he's blasting stuff up.

[10:17] The weenie negotiator, Monty,

[10:19] played again by the Scorpio.

[10:22] His name, I can't remember. What's his real name?

[10:24] Uh, thank you.

[10:26] It's the husband from Hellraiser.

[10:28] Yeah, but that's not his name.

[10:30] His driver's license says Hellraiser comma the husband from...

[10:34] I mean, if you polled everyone in the world,

[10:37] the percentage of people who mostly knew him as

[10:39] husband from Hellraiser over his real name

[10:41] would probably be higher.

[10:43] Fair point, fair point.

[10:44] And as we know, that's how you choose someone's name.

[10:46] It's my popular vote.

[10:48] Yeah, everyone's name gets voted on.

[10:50] In the United States. I don't know how they do things here.

[10:52] In the United States, everyone votes on everybody's name all the time.

[10:55] Yeah, I feel like even Julia in Hellraiser

[10:57] would be like, yeah, he's just the husband. I don't care.

[11:01] So he's like a weenie negotiator.

[11:03] He represents all that Cobra says is wrong.

[11:05] He's shouting through a megaphone,

[11:06] just come out and talk to us.

[11:07] We want to help you.

[11:08] We promise we won't hurt you.

[11:10] And he's shooting people in the back with his shotgun.

[11:12] That's when the cop that's above him goes,

[11:16] call the Cobra.

[11:17] The Cobra gets called.

[11:19] He drives up in his old car.

[11:21] Call the Dragula.

[11:23] Yeah.

[11:24] And his car has the license Awesome 50.

[11:27] Awesome sold A-W-S-U-M, I think it was.

[11:31] And Glass's cop does not like that.

[11:34] He's like, I don't approve of his actions.

[11:36] Guys, when Cobra steps out,

[11:38] Cobretti, the cop,

[11:40] describe kind of his general look, his allure.

[11:42] Kind of like, what's his image?

[11:44] Well, later he's described as like some sort of,

[11:47] he was like, oh, reject from the 50s or something like that.

[11:50] Uh-huh, yeah.

[11:51] There's nothing particularly 50s about it.

[11:53] He just has kind of like jeans and a black shirt.

[11:57] Jeans, biker boots, trench coat, sunglasses, always.

[12:01] Matchstick, always in his mouth

[12:03] until he burns a guy alive later with it.

[12:05] Yeah, with his one matchstick.

[12:07] Oh, that was good.

[12:09] Now I gotta get a new one.

[12:10] I don't even know how you do that.

[12:11] MSU was my best friend.

[12:13] I appreciate your sacrifice.

[12:15] And he carries his signature weapon,

[12:17] a pistol with a Cobra on it,

[12:18] stuffed into his belt instead of a holster or something.

[12:21] And he also has throwing knives.

[12:22] I don't know where he keeps those.

[12:23] But Cobra gets, he goes into this grocery store.

[12:26] He's stalking through.

[12:27] The baddie is trying to shoot him

[12:28] and then he's ranting about how the people here are trash.

[12:31] They deserve to die.

[12:32] This is a new world coming.

[12:33] And Cobra gets on the store PA and he goes,

[12:35] it's time to waste you.

[12:37] And they have a standoff, the two of them at gunpoint.

[12:41] They're both holding guns.

[12:42] And the baddie is like, I've got a bomb.

[12:44] I'm a hero of the new world.

[12:45] And he goes, I'll blow up the whole store.

[12:50] Stallone has a number of very good quips in this movie.

[12:52] He goes, that's okay.

[12:53] I don't shop here.

[12:56] And here's when he says the key line of the movie.

[12:58] He goes, you're a disease and I'm the cure.

[13:00] And he throws the throwing knife at him

[13:02] and then shoots him to death.

[13:03] So we're presenting a world where it's so dangerous

[13:08] that you need a guy like Cobra.

[13:10] You want a guy like Cobra.

[13:11] You love a guy like Cobra.

[13:12] Yeah, a man who is essentially a later Stallone character,

[13:17] Judge Dredd, in that he will provide the sentence

[13:20] and carry it out himself.

[13:22] But he doesn't wear a helmet.

[13:23] That's the main difference.

[13:24] Not even when he rides a motorcycle later on,

[13:27] which is a bad message for kids.

[13:29] So any kids out there that are watching Cobra, wear a helmet.

[13:32] That's the message in Cobra, that we've got to protect the kids.

[13:35] Yeah.

[13:36] And Stallone, he gets them and these reporters crowd him.

[13:38] When he walks out, they're like, Cobretti, Cobretti,

[13:40] is this related to the night slasher?

[13:42] We're going to hear a lot about the night slasher in this movie.

[13:44] And this reporter goes, did you use unnecessary force?

[13:46] What makes you judge and jury?

[13:48] And luckily, the dead body of one of the victims

[13:50] is lying right there with a blanket over him.

[13:52] And he gets mad and pushes the reporter at the body.

[13:54] He goes, you tell his family.

[13:56] Anyway, it's a terrible argument.

[13:58] Checkmate.

[14:01] But we see Cobretti, he doesn't keep bullying people

[14:06] with his greater physical force just on the job.

[14:08] He does that at home too.

[14:10] He goes home.

[14:11] The parking spot he wants to get into is too small,

[14:13] and the car in front refuses to move.

[14:14] So he gets in his car and pushes their car ahead with his.

[14:17] Luckily, their car was in neutral, I guess, the whole time.

[14:19] Yeah.

[14:20] Yeah.

[14:21] Elliot, I'll be honest.

[14:22] When you say bully people at home,

[14:24] I completely forgot about this,

[14:25] and I thought you were going to talk about

[14:26] that he bullied that piece of pizza.

[14:28] We'll get there.

[14:29] We'll get there.

[14:30] Sorry, slice of pizza.

[14:31] Shirley, I apologize.

[14:32] And when the people, yeah, piece of pizza.

[14:35] The other people are like, hey, what are you doing?

[14:37] And they are very much stereotypical,

[14:39] kind of Chicano, you know, L.A. types

[14:43] that you would see in 80s movies.

[14:44] He gets mad, and he grabs the undershirt collar of one of them

[14:47] and just rips it off of him.

[14:49] Which the guy is, like, surprisingly chill about.

[14:52] Yes.

[14:53] At that point, he's like.

[14:54] He's like, oh, I was going to rip it anyway.

[14:56] It's cooler this way.

[14:57] No, you know, I needed to get a new undershirt.

[14:59] You know what?

[15:00] I know when I've been bested by a man tearing my shirt up.

[15:03] I don't like the violent hostility,

[15:05] but you could have punched me.

[15:06] You could have kicked me.

[15:07] Instead, you used your imagination.

[15:10] You ripped off the undershirt I was wearing under my other shirt.

[15:12] God damn it, I respect it.

[15:14] I commend your freedom and creativity.

[15:18] So Cobra goes home.

[15:20] And then one moment after another, it's just amazing.

[15:23] He picks up a newspaper.

[15:24] I'm just imagining that's the name of the sequel novel.

[15:26] Cobra goes home.

[15:27] Cobra goes home.

[15:28] Yeah.

[15:29] Oh, it was my high school reunion, and I got to go back to it, I guess.

[15:32] Life has really changed for me in the years in between.

[15:35] I'm not what I thought I was going to be, I'll tell you that.

[15:38] Written by R.A. Salvatore.

[15:42] So Cobra, he picks up his newspaper,

[15:45] immediately throws it in his barbecue grill,

[15:47] goes into his house, because he doesn't care about the media.

[15:50] He goes into his house, opens the freezer,

[15:52] takes out a pizza box and an egg carton.

[15:55] He takes out a pair of scissors,

[15:56] cuts a little tiny triangle of pizza off the slice,

[15:58] and eats that.

[15:59] And then the egg carton is just full of his gun maintenance collection.

[16:02] It's already a triangle.

[16:05] And it's got a crust to hold onto.

[16:08] Why is he making it harder?

[16:09] He's making a very important point about fractals.

[16:12] Because what is not made clear in the movie,

[16:14] but if you read the novel by Alan Dean Foster, it's all in there,

[16:17] that Cobra has a PhD in mathematics.

[16:20] I was trying to solve these Poincaré equations,

[16:23] but instead I got called up to service to fight crime.

[16:26] Yep.

[16:27] You cut a triangle, just another triangle, you know?

[16:30] Triangles all the way.

[16:32] Yeah.

[16:33] Is that the lesson you want us to walk away with?

[16:36] That's the lesson of Cobra.

[16:37] That's what I took away from Cobra.

[16:39] So I took away from it,

[16:40] you've got to wear a helmet when you ride a motorcycle,

[16:42] and you took triangles all over?

[16:44] What was it?

[16:45] Triangle, triangle, triangle, triangle world?

[16:47] That was it.

[16:48] Hey baby, triangles all over.

[16:52] You ever tried angles?

[16:54] So anyway, the news on TV,

[16:56] while he's cleaning his gun with his frozen gun maintenance kit,

[16:59] maybe that's how you do it.

[17:00] I don't have a gun.

[17:02] Does it have to be super cold to clean a gun with?

[17:05] The news is talking about there's another victim of the Night Slasher,

[17:07] a serial killer, identity unknown,

[17:09] and there's no theme to the victims.

[17:12] Everyone is a possible victim of the Night Slasher,

[17:14] and he seems to use household simple weapons and tools.

[17:17] There's so many notes in that notebook.

[17:19] Yeah, get ready.

[17:20] Anyway, then we cut to there's a waitress going home at night.

[17:24] She's attacked by masked guys with axes.

[17:26] They kill her.

[17:27] It's this axe cult.

[17:28] The cops are talking,

[17:29] and Cobra's like,

[17:30] I think there's more than one killer at work.

[17:32] He has nothing to base this on,

[17:33] but Cobra's just that good a cop.

[17:34] He just knows.

[17:35] And Glass's cop is like,

[17:36] You shouldn't be involved.

[17:38] And Cobra's like,

[17:39] We're going to lose as long as they play by the rules and we don't.

[17:42] No, no, no.

[17:43] As long as we play by the rules and they don't.

[17:44] I don't remember when I wrote the movie.

[17:47] I want to see this one man,

[17:49] Elliot Kalin,

[17:51] one man, one night only, Cobra.

[17:54] Elliot Kalin is Sylvester Stallone as Cobra.

[17:57] And everyone else.

[17:58] And everyone else.

[17:59] For instance,

[18:00] end everyone else in Cobra tonight.

[18:03] You know,

[18:04] you won't let me go after those people.

[18:06] You shouldn't go after those people,

[18:07] Cobra,

[18:08] but I gotta go after those people.

[18:09] Sorry, Cobra,

[18:10] you can't go after those people.

[18:11] That scene goes on for a while.

[18:12] He did it.

[18:13] Raves the times.

[18:15] But why?

[18:16] Questions the times after.

[18:19] And he has like a sidekick who wears a little cap, right?

[18:21] He likes junk food.

[18:22] Yes, yes.

[18:23] He has his sidekick who's Sergeant Gonzalez.

[18:26] And you're like,

[18:27] is that his trainer?

[18:28] Yeah.

[18:29] It's like a Burgess Meredith style.

[18:31] He's wearing a little old fashioned cabby cap.

[18:34] And he doesn't dress.

[18:35] He's not in uniform or anything.

[18:37] And he doesn't do anything except talk about junk food

[18:40] for most of the movie.

[18:41] And they have a little back.

[18:42] They always have back and forth banter.

[18:44] Cobra's always like,

[18:45] you gotta start eating right.

[18:47] You can't eat all this junk food.

[18:48] And he's like,

[18:49] oh, but I love junk food.

[18:50] It's all I want to eat.

[18:51] And again,

[18:52] this is a good message for the kids.

[18:53] Balanced diet, please.

[18:54] Don't be like with Sergeant Gonzalez.

[18:55] You gotta eat good things.

[18:56] Anyway.

[18:57] And also like this is the,

[18:58] this is the flavoring of the movie that I like the best.

[19:00] Yes.

[19:01] Like wacky crap that doesn't have anything to do with,

[19:03] like,

[19:04] I don't know the politics of it.

[19:05] Yeah.

[19:06] There's another victim of the Axe Maniacs,

[19:09] but they're not wearing their pantyhose masks this time.

[19:12] And Brigitte Nielsen is driving by

[19:15] to what appears to be a modeling shoot

[19:18] that was scheduled for 1030 p.m. or 11 p.m.

[19:20] And she sees the face of the guy who commits the murder,

[19:24] which, as we'll find out,

[19:25] is the leader of this axe cult.

[19:26] And we find out after that,

[19:28] the woman who is part of this murder,

[19:30] she's a cop, too.

[19:32] Oh, no.

[19:33] One of the cops is a bad guy.

[19:34] They're not all good cops.

[19:36] Just Kobretti,

[19:37] to a lesser extent,

[19:39] Gonzalez.

[19:40] But even he has a fatal flaw of loving junk food,

[19:42] which, as you all know,

[19:44] traditionally,

[19:45] each hero has to have a heroic flaw.

[19:47] This is his love of junk food.

[19:48] Is that what they were trying to convey

[19:50] with the idea that he was cutting up a little bit of pizza?

[19:52] Maybe.

[19:53] That he's watching his calories?

[19:54] I guess so.

[19:55] It reminds me of my favorite line

[19:56] that Stallone has in Tango & Cash.

[19:57] Yeah?

[19:58] When he has...

[19:59] He jumps out...

[20:00] from behind the refrigerator of a dirty cop who set him up and sent him to jail

[20:03] a dirty cop is I think just holding a bowl of pasta that was just in the fridge or something like that

[20:06] and he goes

[20:07] well it's obvious from your diet you're not watching your calories

[20:10] seems you were just watching the money they paid you to set us up

[20:15] and it's such a stretch it is not a cobra level quip

[20:18] but I love it and he's really got to rush to get it out

[20:23] so uh... so we know there's someone on the inside and she looks up the witness's

[20:26] license plate to find out who owns that car

[20:29] an old time computer

[20:30] and uh... and the police captain is like

[20:32] we've got no leads cobra okay you're on the job you and your friends the cab

[20:36] driver slash your trainer you're going to shake down the town and do what you do

[20:40] and this leads to the most amazing montage maybe since Sergei Eisenstein

[20:45] invented the technique

[20:47] and I know he didn't really I guess what Kuleshov did I'm not a cinema studies

[20:50] major anyway so they

[20:51] it is these are the three strains of this montage

[20:55] Stallone and his partner

[20:57] walk in the streets which are mainly covered in homeless people

[21:00] and going into places and asking people questions

[21:03] Bridgette Nielsen doing the photo shoot in which she is wearing different outfits

[21:07] around different antique statues of robots

[21:11] and a few shots of the bad guy just kind of looking mean and holding his knife

[21:14] and stuff like that but the montage starts intercutting

[21:18] Stallone and the robots and you're like

[21:21] so are there robots in this movie?

[21:23] and the robots are lighting up in a way where you're like

[21:26] well you know what's going on

[21:28] the montage ends with this ominous music

[21:31] and the lights shutting off except for the robots eyes being on you

[21:35] is this going to turn into a movie about how these robots kill people?

[21:38] do they know they're in the photo shoot?

[21:41] and the photo shoot is being done by David Rash, TV Sledgehammer

[21:46] Succession, etc. etc. Burn After Reading

[21:50] Dad in some Ashton Kutcher movie

[21:54] yeah he gets killed almost immediately

[21:56] disappointment

[21:57] he hits on Ingrid, the model

[21:59] and then gets instantly killed by the axe people as they attack them

[22:03] oh wait I forgot, the music in this movie is great

[22:06] and the montage is set to a song called Angel of the City

[22:09] it's amazing

[22:10] anyway, so the photographer, he gets killed

[22:13] a nerdy bystander who just seems to be walking out of a store gets killed

[22:16] and then they step on his glasses after he's dead

[22:18] which is adding insult to injury

[22:19] those glasses belong to his family now

[22:21] now he has nothing to leave them

[22:23] this security guard, she runs off to him and she's like

[22:26] help me!

[22:27] and he starts firing his gun at the bad guys

[22:28] and they ram a van into him

[22:30] and it's like one of many very good practical stunts

[22:34] yes

[22:35] like it's very intense and like, I don't know

[22:37] there's a number of stunts here where you're like

[22:40] whoa, that's a good stunt, I hope nobody got hurt doing that

[22:42] like late on in the movie people are just flying off on motorcycles

[22:45] wearing helmets thankfully

[22:46] I hate to sound like an old man

[22:48] but it's way too late for that

[22:50] no, I mean like this movie, like we were saying

[22:53] it comes from a time where even the worst movies

[22:56] kind of looked beautiful because

[22:58] they had to shoot them in real places

[23:00] they had to light for films

[23:02] they had to actually think about, I mean like

[23:04] not everything

[23:05] yeah, like the shootout in the grocery store where they're like

[23:07] why is there so much dry ice in here?

[23:11] well I remember watching it, you were like

[23:13] who turned off all the lights in the grocery store?

[23:16] but it looks fucking cool

[23:18] it's a good looking movie

[23:20] and not just Stallone, it looks incredible

[23:23] and the director's son

[23:26] went on to make Mandy in other movies

[23:29] did you research that?

[23:31] yeah, no, I researched it

[23:33] so do you imagine as a kid he was on the Cobra set walking around?

[23:36] he's got to have been on the Cobra set

[23:38] what a lucky kid

[23:39] if I could do anything to be that boy

[23:41] if I could just change places with him

[23:43] guys, find me a magic fountain that I can pee in with him

[23:46] and then go back in time

[23:49] it has to be the pee scenario though

[23:52] it can't be like

[23:54] touching a skull at the same time

[23:56] magic skulls

[23:58] making a wish

[24:00] yeah, magic skulls, that's a real thing

[24:02] making a wish on a Friday

[24:04] go down to Coney Island and get the Zoltar statue

[24:07] that's not what I remember

[24:09] that's just a big situation

[24:11] I bet he could do a swap

[24:13] if you asked him for a swap specifically

[24:15] that's pretty fucked up

[24:17] he's still a little kid and that lady

[24:19] oh man, that's messed up

[24:21] we didn't need to go down that road

[24:23] I mean

[24:25] I agree with you

[24:27] look, it's hard to talk about Big

[24:29] without talking about two things

[24:31] how it's about a little kid who has sex with a lady

[24:33] and also that the toys that company makes

[24:35] even when he gives them advice, are not good

[24:37] it's not a good toy company

[24:39] yeah

[24:41] take that toy company and Big

[24:43] also that keyboard thing is bullshit

[24:45] tell me your truth about Big

[24:47] it's kind of sexist toy

[24:49] and it breaks easily

[24:51] so you're saying that Robert Loja and Tom Hanks

[24:53] wouldn't really be able to dance Chopsticks

[24:55] not in real life, that was just movie magic

[24:57] I mean they could

[24:59] that's the kind of practical punk we're talking about

[25:01] come out here

[25:03] enough about Big, this isn't the Big episode of the podcast

[25:05] this is the Cobra episode of the podcast

[25:07] and it's even bigger than Sylvester Stallone

[25:09] anyway, so the police show up

[25:11] the bad guys run off, Ingrid has been saved

[25:13] she's interviewed by Cobretti and Gonzalez

[25:15] and the evil lady cop

[25:17] is kind of watching her through a window

[25:19] and she tells them the least amount of information

[25:21] she could possibly get away with

[25:23] they're like, do you want to know why they would come after you

[25:25] do you owe anyone money, no

[25:27] are you involved with drugs or people who do drugs or sell drugs

[25:29] she goes, no, which is bullshit, she's in the fashion industry

[25:31] I'm sorry

[25:33] and then she's like, you know what

[25:35] earlier in the night

[25:37] I drove by a man and he scared me

[25:39] and they're like, what, he just looks scary

[25:41] what time was that around, 10 o'clock

[25:43] and he's like, that's the airtight lead we need

[25:45] she drove by a scary guy

[25:49] and the

[25:51] the ex-cult leader

[25:53] and so tell us about, his name in the credits

[25:55] is just Night Slasher

[25:57] but where else have we seen him

[25:59] he's the alien bounty hunter

[26:01] from X-Files

[26:03] he was a judge in Buffy

[26:05] he was one of the punks

[26:07] in Terminator

[26:09] with Bill Paxton

[26:11] he's all over

[26:13] genre movies

[26:15] cause he's like a big

[26:17] distinctive looking guy

[26:19] he is just

[26:21] sharpening knives and he's putting so much effort into it

[26:23] that he's coated in sweat

[26:25] I fucking love this movie, has a hero and a villain

[26:27] both with like signature weapons

[26:29] he's got this like plus five dagger

[26:31] with spikes

[26:33] I love that shit

[26:35] and he keeps it sharp, he takes good care of it

[26:37] but he's totally a sword guy

[26:39] he loses that thing, he's fucking done man

[26:41] he doesn't have unarmed combat

[26:43] and he has some pretty bad roles

[26:45] later on, that's part of it also

[26:47] the evil lady cop is like

[26:49] let me kill her for you

[26:51] and he goes, no, this one's mine

[26:53] and she's in the hospital still

[26:55] Ingrid, because she was so frightened so badly

[26:57] I guess

[26:59] and Kobretti and Gonzales

[27:01] Kobretti's like, you're gonna have to stay here under guard

[27:03] and then offers Gonzales whatever she has

[27:05] left over from her hospital food

[27:07] and he just takes it, and at no point is she like

[27:09] what are you doing?

[27:11] you're gonna eat my leftovers?

[27:13] I'm supposed to trust you as protection now?

[27:15] Yeah

[27:17] Kobretti and Gonzales, they banter a little bit about whether she's attractive or not

[27:19] and Kobretti goes home

[27:21] and those punks whose undershirts he ripped

[27:23] they respect him now

[27:25] they respect his strength

[27:27] he does some computer research at home

[27:29] on a very old timey computer

[27:31] and meanwhile, the cult leader is entering the hospital

[27:33] he kills a janitor

[27:35] steals the uniform

[27:37] the uniform fits him perfectly

[27:39] despite him being a foot and a half taller

[27:41] again, it's the traveling

[27:43] it's the traveling

[27:45] janitor's onesie

[27:47] what are those called?

[27:49] jumpsuits?

[27:51] not onesies?

[27:53] they are generally called jumpsuits instead of onesies

[27:55] you're saying janitors don't routinely wear outfits

[27:57] that are legless and snap at the crotch?

[27:59] for ease of diaper changing?

[28:01] you can say

[28:03] my daddy loves pavement

[28:05] that's like a Brooklyn specific

[28:07] sort of onesie

[28:09] it could be one of those onesies they sell

[28:11] at tourist spots that are like

[28:13] I'm like mommy drinks, that kind of thing

[28:15] don't like them, I don't like them

[28:17] I'm not saying that approvingly

[28:19] it's wine o'clock somewhere

[28:21] and you're like kid, you're a baby

[28:23] you're scaring this baby straight

[28:25] we talked to a baby

[28:27] you got your whole life ahead of you

[28:29] you don't want to get in jail

[28:31] you know what they do to babies in jail?

[28:33] what do you got to be stressed about, baby?

[28:35] come on

[28:37] babies have a lot to be stressed about

[28:39] their mom walks out of the room, they don't know if she's ever coming back

[28:41] maybe she doesn't exist anymore

[28:43] you know what, I shouldn't make fun of babies' pain

[28:45] just because it's different from my own

[28:47] Dan, I'm glad we opened your mind about babies

[28:49] they're an ally

[28:51] they're alright

[28:53] alright, raves Dan McCoy on Human Young

[28:55] yeah, you don't

[28:57] put babies in corners

[28:59] no, you never do that

[29:01] you never put babies in corners

[29:03] thank you

[29:05] what if they're getting a time out?

[29:07] why would you give a baby a time out?

[29:09] they don't understand why they're being disciplined, Dan

[29:11] they're babies

[29:15] wah, wah

[29:17] that's enough out of you, time out

[29:19] communicate, wah

[29:21] do you think the big lift dance move

[29:23] in Dirty Dancing is because her name's Baby?

[29:25] it's much easier with a baby

[29:27] yeah, they're like, well, her name's Baby

[29:29] that's what you do with babies

[29:31] you don't usually do that with babies

[29:33] what do you do with them then?

[29:35] you do what Jay Orbach does, and you carry around Jennifer Grey

[29:37] in a Bjorn strap to your chest

[29:39] oh, that makes sense

[29:41] I still love carrying you around, baby

[29:43] and she's like, oh, okay

[29:45] I guess it is my nickname

[29:47] he's carrying her around in this thing

[29:49] and he's feeding her strained peas

[29:51] and things like that

[29:53] sure, build out the world

[30:00] Uh, the cult leader, uh, gets real distracted from mission one,

[30:03] which is killing the witness and decides to go after a nurse just because the

[30:06] movie needs another body to get killed.

[30:08] He's about to step, he sneaks into Ingrid's room, Ingrid's room.

[30:10] He's about to stab her bed when he has the strangest non-sequitur,

[30:13] which is, he just goes, pretty hair, stabs her bed.

[30:17] She wasn't even in it.

[30:18] She walks out of the bathroom and is surprised to see him, which is like,

[30:21] did he imagine the hair or we must've not been paying attention.

[30:25] And she put like a wig in there.

[30:26] And that was like, she like home screenwriters way of being like,

[30:31] how this will, this will, uh, this will really underline what's going

[30:34] on rather than confusing it.

[30:36] And the weirdest thing before this is part of his trap for the nurse he

[30:38] killed is that he goes into an old lady's room and puts the janitor's

[30:41] mop in the bed with her as if that's making the nurse think that he's

[30:45] actually in the bed and not her.

[30:47] She, she's like, Oh, long stringy, greasy hair attached to a metal mop head.

[30:53] But anyway, uh, he, he he's after her.

[30:56] She, she gets, she locks herself in the bathroom, stabs through

[30:59] the door of the bathroom.

[31:00] Meanwhile, Kobretti is finally there, but he doesn't get there in time to save her.

[31:03] She runs into the hallway because the bathroom has a back door that exits

[31:06] on the hallway, which seems, I mean, I haven't spent a lot of time in

[31:09] hospitals these days, but do they, the bathrooms routinely have a

[31:12] public door and a private door.

[31:14] I can't speak to that, but I do know that there's a supreme

[31:18] lack of privacy in, in hospital.

[31:20] So maybe they just do it to add a little less privacy.

[31:24] What can we do here to minimize it?

[31:25] We already see everyone's butts all the time.

[31:29] Uh, so he, she pulls off the fire alarm, the halls flooded with people,

[31:32] the cult leader, knowing he's not going to get her this time he leaves.

[31:35] The next day, Kobretti is like, this cult's got to have somebody on the

[31:39] inside and they're like, prove it.

[31:41] And he's like, well, I can't.

[31:42] If I, if I could, I'd be doing something about it already.

[31:45] If I could, I'd tell you earlier if I had proof, everyone's mad at him.

[31:49] They're so mad at him.

[31:49] A lot of scenes of people just yelling, you got a lot of nerve, Kobretti.

[31:54] And he's like, yeah, but the nerve I got is pretty good or something like that.

[31:57] You know, actually the real one, you got a, you got a real attitude problem.

[32:00] He goes, yeah, it was just a little one, which is a line that sounds really good.

[32:04] And then you think about it.

[32:04] You're like, his attitude problem is enormous.

[32:08] Like he's, he's, I think he's being facetious though.

[32:10] I guess that's true.

[32:11] Yeah.

[32:12] Facetious is like Confucius, but he doesn't mean it.

[32:14] Yeah.

[32:15] It's like, why, why did you believe all that set things?

[32:18] I said, all those aphorisms, they don't make that much sense.

[32:21] If you think about them for more than just a little bit.

[32:23] I see when my disciples collected my analects into one book, they couldn't put

[32:27] winking in parentheses in front of every one of them.

[32:30] JK, JK was the end of a lot of these.

[32:32] I don't.

[32:34] So they got to take Ingrid to a safe house, Kobretti, Gonzalez and mean evil lady cop,

[32:39] because there are no other police officers, I guess.

[32:41] They take her and Stallone's like, why?

[32:43] There were cops on guard at Ingrid's hospital.

[32:45] Why were they removed?

[32:46] And, and Glass's cop was like, I don't know.

[32:48] Find it out yourself, dude.

[32:50] They don't, they don't bother to look into it.

[32:52] But as they're driving away, the X cult again makes another strange move.

[32:56] This is a secret underground cult that kills at night.

[32:58] They decide to set two that is kills people with axes.

[33:01] They send two carloads of people with guns to chase after them in broad daylight.

[33:05] And this leads to a witness who may have seen somebody do something.

[33:11] Certainly this witness would not stand up in court.

[33:13] Oh, I saw that person and they were scary.

[33:15] Did you see them committing a crime?

[33:16] Isn't being scary a crime?

[33:18] Of course not.

[33:20] If it was, then R.L.

[33:21] Stein would have been locked up a long time ago.

[33:27] And now can you point, can you point out to the court, the man who gave you goosebumps?

[33:33] It's okay.

[33:33] He can't hurt you now.

[33:35] It was, it was that man.

[33:36] We find you innocent of goosebumps, but guilty of the lesser charge of goose pimples.

[33:43] Yeah.

[33:43] He plea bargained it.

[33:44] Yeah.

[33:45] So there's a big car chase.

[33:47] It's honestly guys, would you, how would you describe this car chase?

[33:49] Awesome or extremely awesome?

[33:52] There's a lot of slow mo jumping in the air as they go over hills.

[33:56] And it's like, it's the same hills sort of three times.

[34:00] Cause it is that awesome.

[34:01] Yeah.

[34:01] And yeah, we see it multiple times.

[34:03] Uh, Cobra, when he finally pulls out a machine gun, he like shoots a car to

[34:06] pieces or something like that.

[34:08] He like, he like basically skins the car.

[34:11] Like he's peeling an apple.

[34:12] Can you shoot it?

[34:13] And somehow like, like the carapace comes off and it's just, I'm not really sure.

[34:18] I do love that.

[34:18] He's like, you know, I have this, uh, witness that I'm trying to protect in the

[34:22] car.

[34:22] I'm going to chase these focus.

[34:24] Yeah.

[34:24] Well, so, so, so, so Isaac Asimov's three rules of co-products tell us that number

[34:31] one, kill bad guys, law number two, protect good guys, unless it conflicts with law

[34:36] number one, law number three, cut up that pizza smaller, unless it conflicts with

[34:41] law two or law one.

[34:43] So if a bad guy was like, you could kill me or you can cut up pizza.

[34:46] Obviously Cobra has to follow the first law and kill him.

[34:49] But on the other hand, if it's like, don't do Cobra, don't cut up that pizza

[34:53] because it's attached to a bomb that'll destroy a good guy.

[34:55] They go, oh, I can't do it.

[34:56] Law two supersedes law three.

[34:59] I mean, the things you're saying are dumb, but I, I, I admire the skill for which

[35:06] like the speed at which you sort of like came through with the, what would the

[35:10] logic be of these scenarios?

[35:12] Yeah, sure.

[35:12] I spent a lot of time thinking about Asimov's laws in case I ever become a

[35:15] robot, in case I ever got to program a robot for a fashion shoot.

[35:21] I don't want this robot to kill Brigitte Nielsen.

[35:23] So I better put some safeguards in here.

[35:25] Yeah.

[35:25] So eventually the hunter becomes the hunted.

[35:27] Stallone's going after the bad guys, flips his nitrous boost.

[35:30] The thing that you think you would do the first to get away from the bad guys, but

[35:33] no, uh, and eventually the bad guys get away.

[35:36] They, they managed to crash into a boat that's on the land, uh, nighttime.

[35:41] The superiors are like, Cobra, you almost killed the witness.

[35:43] Blah, blah, blah.

[35:43] He's like, I want to take, uh, Ingrid out of town for her protection.

[35:47] And my, Glass's cop is like, did you have to kill so many people?

[35:52] And Cobra is going to punch him, but they agree.

[35:54] Let Cobra take the witness outside.

[35:56] Worst case scenario, at least all the violence that trails him everywhere

[36:00] will be outside of the city.

[36:02] And that plan works.

[36:03] And Gonzalez and bad guy cop go along also.

[36:06] On the drive, we get some, finally some talking time between Cobra and Ingrid.

[36:10] And, uh, he gets to explain to Ingrid that, uh, when they, when he arrests

[36:13] people, the judges just let them go.

[36:16] And Ingrid is like, that makes me sick.

[36:17] And I'm like, well, that's how it works.

[36:19] I mean, like that's what happens.

[36:21] It's called the criminal justice system.

[36:22] And it's not your job to circumvent it, Cobra.

[36:25] No, but I, I mean, also that kind of conversion where she's like, oh, I

[36:27] think the law is a good thing.

[36:29] He's like, actually, it's not.

[36:30] Let me red pill you.

[36:32] You know, I was doing my own research and it turns out judges are just letting people go.

[36:35] Yeah.

[36:36] I mean, this is her equivalent of being like, tell me about Quentin Tarantino movies.

[36:41] This is also like where she like falls in love with him during the course of one

[36:46] scene for no particular reason.

[36:47] Yeah.

[36:48] Well, cause you know, they're all weird.

[36:49] Is this where they're stopped at the roadside?

[36:52] Tell us.

[36:53] So they stop at, they stop at a, it's like a novelty stand on the road.

[36:56] Like it has a, it's like a rubber chicken hanging.

[37:00] It's a, it's a roadside stand where you'd expect to see fresh produce.

[37:04] But as Dan is saying, it's selling novelties and like goofy things.

[37:07] Like you'd be driving down the road and be like, oh, you know what?

[37:09] I did need some x-ray specs.

[37:10] Hold on.

[37:10] Let me set up real quick for this.

[37:12] A bobblehead wearing a Padres uniform and a rubber chicken.

[37:17] Okay.

[37:18] Could I have the gum that snaps your finger when you try and take a piece?

[37:22] Oh, is this locally made?

[37:23] No.

[37:24] Oh, okay.

[37:24] I'll buy it anyway.

[37:25] Yeah.

[37:25] We, we raise our own whoopee cushions here at the farm.

[37:28] Yeah.

[37:29] Oh, well you can really tell the difference.

[37:31] You can actually, oh no, it is snakes.

[37:33] Okay.

[37:33] I'll take the snake.

[37:34] Open that slowly.

[37:35] Open that slowly.

[37:36] Now we have the ones that come with real snakes and the ones that come with fake

[37:41] snakes, the real snakes, that would be really dangerous.

[37:44] They're dead.

[37:45] They don't even pop out.

[37:47] It's just kind of gross.

[37:48] Oh yeah.

[37:49] Logically, it makes sense to me now that a snake wouldn't do well just stuck in a can.

[37:53] No, they do very badly.

[37:55] I tell you, whoever can crack keeping a snake alive in a can will be a millionaire

[37:59] someday.

[38:01] Build a better snake trap.

[38:04] They said it couldn't be done.

[38:05] And yet my son has figured out how to do it.

[38:08] Oh, no, he didn't.

[38:08] No, no.

[38:10] It's dead again.

[38:10] I'm sorry.

[38:11] I called all the assembled press here for this, for this conference.

[38:14] This roadside novelty stand.

[38:17] Please take a free whoopee cushion as you go.

[38:20] Well, that story didn't pan out, but now Geraldo's going to open up Al Capone's

[38:24] vaults.

[38:24] Let's see how that turns out.

[38:27] It's the eighties.

[38:27] Okay.

[38:28] So, uh, meanwhile, the Axe cult is due.

[38:30] Oh, this is when, uh, Gonzalez goes, Hey, you should call Cobra this and whispers

[38:34] something.

[38:34] And he, she comes over and goes, Oh, nice to meet you.

[38:36] Marion Cobra.

[38:37] Ready?

[38:38] That's his name.

[38:39] Marion Cobra.

[38:39] Ready?

[38:40] What this tough guy, his name is Marion.

[38:43] Why you'd have to be fucking John Wayne to be named Marion.

[38:46] Cause that's his actual name.

[38:48] Anyway.

[38:50] Uh, he, and later on, he's like, yeah, you know, you get beat up a lot as the

[38:52] kids.

[38:53] That's why I'm tough.

[38:53] And I kill people when I, cause I had a name like that.

[38:56] Meanwhile, the Axe cult is doing what they do best.

[38:58] Hanging out in the sewers, banging their axes together.

[39:01] And maybe that's how they talk to each other.

[39:05] Is that, yeah.

[39:07] Uh, I can't hear shit anymore.

[39:08] Cause of all the clanging, they click at each other, like mimics.

[39:11] And for some reason they make another stop.

[39:13] They stop at a burger place where we have to see Sylvester Sloan's funny side.

[39:17] He picks up a big novelty hamburger and he's like, Oh, they make them pretty big

[39:20] over here.

[39:20] Don't they?

[39:22] And he's like, she puts so much ketchup on her fries.

[39:25] It's like, Oh, your fries, they're drowning.

[39:27] Oh, I need a lifesaver for those fries.

[39:29] Got a lot of food material.

[39:30] This guy, let me fucking eat.

[39:33] On the way over to the safe house.

[39:35] We got to stop at this one burger place.

[39:36] I got a lot of site specific material.

[39:40] It doesn't work anywhere else.

[39:42] You won't believe this hamburger they got.

[39:44] I always go ahead of time to check out where we're going to stop so I can come

[39:48] up with some material there.

[39:49] You know, it's what I'm famous for.

[39:52] I think you're mostly famous for killing criminals without reading them their

[39:54] rights or anything like that.

[39:55] Yeah.

[39:56] But it's the comedy that I want to be known for.

[39:58] Yeah, yeah.

[40:00] Comedy is really art when you think about it.

[40:01] Oh boy, okay.

[40:03] Is Nanette stand-up?

[40:05] Cobra, we don't need to hear it.

[40:06] We don't need it.

[40:07] Okay, and she is coming on to him hard.

[40:08] She goes, do you ever date women?

[40:10] And he's like, you'd have to be crazy to date me,

[40:12] which is notably self-knowledge, self-knowledging.

[40:15] Yeah, and he's still dismayed at how,

[40:18] she puts even more ketchup on it,

[40:20] just cuts to a shot of his face,

[40:21] and he's like, what?

[40:22] Do I want to date this woman?

[40:24] So much sugar and acid in there.

[40:28] This is your vinegar intake.

[40:29] It's too high.

[40:32] I've been giving my partner guff about it,

[40:33] but at least he puts a reasonable amount of ketchup

[40:35] on these French fries.

[40:38] Is that a red flag for you, Alan?

[40:40] Yeah, it's as red as the sauce itself.

[40:44] No, Stuart, it's not, because you know what?

[40:46] I truly believe ketchup is the humble,

[40:49] everyman king of the condiments.

[40:51] Not a joke.

[40:52] Unless it's in one of those jars

[40:54] where someone has an old-timey mustache.

[40:56] Oh, you mean Sir Kensington's ketchup?

[40:58] So my kids-

[40:59] They didn't want to call anyone out by name.

[41:01] I'll do it.

[41:01] So in my family, there's a big ketchup battle.

[41:04] My sister hates ketchup.

[41:05] She's not a part of it.

[41:06] She refuses to pick a side, which I think is immoral.

[41:09] But anyway, Heinz ketchup,

[41:11] it's the biggest ketchup in the world.

[41:13] There's this fancier ketchup called Sir Kensington's

[41:15] that has a man in a mustache on the label.

[41:17] My children are not a fan of this ketchup.

[41:19] I think it's fine.

[41:20] It's just ketchup, but every time I go to the store,

[41:22] I go, guess what?

[41:23] They had your favorite ketchup, Sir Kensington's,

[41:26] and they get so mad.

[41:29] Anyway, feel free to sponsor our show, Sir Kensington's.

[41:34] It's night at the motel.

[41:35] Oh, so now the ex-cult, they arm up,

[41:37] they get guns, they get on their motorcycles.

[41:38] They are riding.

[41:39] And we learned that this roadside bar

[41:43] and town they're staying in is a foundry town.

[41:45] That's important,

[41:45] because that's going to be the location

[41:46] for the final battle of foundry

[41:49] that I guess just makes sparks and flames and stuff.

[41:51] Yeah.

[41:52] Yeah, it's a make-work project.

[41:53] Yeah, it's just to employ people.

[41:56] There's a big crane on a chain

[41:57] that just goes back and forth.

[41:58] Doesn't really do much of anything.

[42:00] So yeah, they're in an old foundry town.

[42:02] They stay at a motel that night,

[42:04] and Cobra catches the evil cop using a payphone.

[42:08] It was very suspicious,

[42:09] but not for the reasons he thinks it is.

[42:11] He's like, where's Gonzalez?

[42:12] And she's like, oh, he's asleep in the room.

[42:14] Well, why didn't you use the phone in the room?

[42:16] And it's like, well, she just told you he's asleep.

[42:18] Like what kind of jerk uses the phone in the room

[42:21] when the person was sleeping there?

[42:22] But he thinks it's very suspicious.

[42:24] And she's like, oh, it was broken.

[42:26] All you have to tell him is he's sleeping.

[42:27] I don't, anyway.

[42:30] This really hit a nerve with you.

[42:31] It did.

[42:32] I feel like, well, I don't like it when a move,

[42:34] when something is supposed to be like the key

[42:36] that tips someone off about something,

[42:37] but it is a dumb thing that you should not do it.

[42:40] Oh, well, why'd you shoot that one?

[42:42] How'd you know that was one of the kidnappers,

[42:44] not one of the hostages?

[42:45] His shoes.

[42:46] Really?

[42:47] You know that much about shoes?

[42:48] He was wearing kidnapper shoes.

[42:50] I hate the ones where there's like,

[42:52] I never said their name.

[42:53] I'm like, I know that with my memory,

[42:56] I could easily say someone's name

[42:58] and then forget I said it.

[43:00] I'm just like, yeah, if you say that,

[43:02] I told you your name, I trust you, man.

[43:04] Like, how else would you know?

[43:06] Certainly not some evil scheme, you know?

[43:09] And also, you gotta, usually,

[43:12] they think they're probably pretty good

[43:13] about not saying stuff they're not supposed to know.

[43:15] These are evil masterminds we're talking about.

[43:17] Yeah, exactly.

[43:18] They're masterminds.

[43:19] We're constantly coming up against them.

[43:20] That's why we need a cobra.

[43:21] Anyway, Ingrid is watching Sylvester Stallone

[43:24] put guns together and she is so turned on

[43:27] that she has to call him over to the bed

[43:29] so they can start making out.

[43:30] I mean, the gun has a laser sight, man.

[43:32] It's so cool.

[43:33] Yeah, it's like a future gun, that's true.

[43:34] Yeah, the next morning, the bad cop is gone.

[43:37] Uh-oh, the axe cult arrives.

[43:39] The bad cop is pointing out where everyone else is.

[43:41] They attack this roadside motel.

[43:43] There's so much shooting.

[43:44] They're just destroying this place with guns.

[43:47] And grenades and firebombs and motorcycles

[43:52] and everything.

[43:53] Yeah, all the weapons in the rainbow.

[43:55] The weapons rainbow.

[43:56] Yeah, Gonzales.

[43:57] You know, of course, back in the 80s,

[43:59] we had the weapons pyramid that we had.

[44:01] Yeah, yeah.

[44:02] And they decided to put more Uzis in, I guess.

[44:05] Well, you don't actually need this many Uzis per day.

[44:09] So Gonzales gets shot.

[44:10] Oh no, there's a lot of great stunt falls.

[44:12] Ah!

[44:13] And there's some good bits.

[44:14] I like that there's an evil sniper guy in the axe cult

[44:17] who every time he lifts his sniper rifle up,

[44:19] the camera cuts to sniper vision for a second.

[44:22] So that first shot is a fantastic shot

[44:25] where you're looking at the motel

[44:26] and then the sniper scope lifts up into frame

[44:29] so that it becomes that you're now looking through the scope.

[44:31] That was a cool shot.

[44:32] Yeah, it's great.

[44:33] That should be on that one perfect shot Twitter feed

[44:35] whose standards are kind of up and down.

[44:37] You know, a little iffy at times, but.

[44:40] Yeah, Dan.

[44:41] What, you want us to bait you on this?

[44:43] I'm coming up with hot take after hot take.

[44:45] Catch up is great.

[44:46] That Twitter feed is okay.

[44:47] I guess we'll fucking tweet at him right now.

[44:49] I'll do it.

[44:49] You're skeet or whatever the bullshit is.

[44:51] Ask him why they're cobra deniers.

[44:53] Come on.

[44:54] Anyway, so they escape, Ingrid and Sly,

[44:56] they escape in a truck.

[44:57] Sly's in the flatbed of the truck, pickup truck,

[44:59] just shooting people.

[45:00] This is the platonic ideal of an action movie.

[45:02] He's a man standing up in a moving pickup truck

[45:05] with a machine gun shooting motorcycle riders.

[45:08] They have to smash through a flaming car barricade

[45:10] which makes them get out of the car,

[45:12] the truck for some reason.

[45:13] Some guy climbs on the hood of the car,

[45:15] falls off, gets run over.

[45:17] It's great.

[45:18] They're running on foot through an orange grove.

[45:20] They're making use of the space.

[45:21] Like any great mime artist, they get separated.

[45:26] Ingrid runs into the foundry pursued by the evil cop.

[45:29] She shoots the controls in such a way

[45:30] that it starts the foundry up

[45:32] which is, I guess, a fail-safe mechanism.

[45:34] They're like, what if we lose the key to the machine?

[45:37] Don't worry.

[45:38] Don't worry, it's made so that if you shoot it,

[45:40] it turns on.

[45:41] Okay, what if he gets shot by accident

[45:43] by like an ex-cult cop?

[45:44] I don't think that's gonna happen.

[45:46] Also, don't shoot anywhere around it

[45:48] or else it'll just ricochet and hurt you.

[45:50] Yeah, we are surrounded by metal.

[45:51] Don't do that.

[45:53] The cult leader finally shows up.

[45:54] He's tired of letting his goons do their work

[45:56] and is stalking Ingrid through this flaming sparks factory.

[45:59] And Sly Stallone, he's set in traps

[46:02] for all these cult members.

[46:03] He puts a grenade somewhere

[46:04] and then waits for them to walk over to it

[46:06] and then shoots the grenade to blow them up.

[46:07] And it's like, that seems time-consuming.

[46:08] And you're really hoping that they walk by that one spot.

[46:11] Yeah, you know what?

[46:12] You could just throw the grenade at them.

[46:14] It only now occurred to me

[46:16] that one normally does with a grenade.

[46:19] Yeah, if he just fires two bullets,

[46:20] one into each guy, he succeeds.

[46:22] Yeah, he has both a gun and a grenade

[46:24] and he's not using either of them effectively.

[46:26] Yeah, I mean-

[46:28] They do not need to be used in tandem.

[46:30] Look, I get you want style points, okay?

[46:32] It's a multiplier for your total score.

[46:36] But it's true.

[46:37] It is like turning on a TV

[46:38] so that your other TV that's attached to the clapper

[46:44] will turn on when it hears the sound of that TV.

[46:47] It seems like an extra unnecessary step.

[46:49] He does cover someone with gasoline

[46:51] and then what, just throws a match on them

[46:52] and burns them alive.

[46:53] It's like, at that point, it's gratuitous.

[46:56] We haven't gotten to the most gratuitous kill, the biggie.

[47:00] Gratuitous Kill is a great name

[47:01] from an 80s action movie.

[47:03] Why did they make that?

[47:04] Dan, why didn't you make that?

[47:06] I guess I'll go through the portal of time

[47:08] or porthole of time.

[47:10] I even fucking fucked up my own thing.

[47:14] You did.

[47:15] I even fucking fucked up my own thing.

[47:17] Dan McCoy.

[47:19] But like Gratuitous Kill,

[47:20] we got like a killer looking through the blinds

[47:23] at like a lady changing.

[47:24] Yes, of course.

[47:25] Shannon tweets and says-

[47:26] It starts with a lady changing.

[47:27] We pull back to show that's a video on a screen

[47:29] being watched by another lady who's changing.

[47:31] Oh, I didn't know this was a Brian De Palma movie.

[47:34] Then we pull back to reveal

[47:35] that this is actually being watched through a window

[47:36] by a naked lady.

[47:38] And she kills the lady,

[47:40] but in a way where the bullet also hits the TV.

[47:41] The screen, it doesn't break the TV.

[47:43] There's just a bullet hole

[47:44] over the heart of the visual image.

[47:45] Cut to the cops are like,

[47:47] the naked lady killer's drunk again.

[47:49] What are we gonna do?

[47:51] What can we do?

[47:52] And Saul Gratuitous,

[47:54] the bad, the like over the edge cop,

[47:57] he's like, you gotta send me out there.

[47:58] I'm the only one who can do it.

[48:00] Saul Gratuitous,

[48:01] we only send you into the worst of worst situations.

[48:04] And for some reason,

[48:04] a serial killer does not beat that definition

[48:07] for some reason.

[48:08] Every time we send you out,

[48:09] you kill at least three more people than you need to.

[48:12] Hey, let's just say I get the most from my money.

[48:15] He's got a lot of those kinds of lines.

[48:16] It's an extra added value.

[48:18] Yeah, not even bang for your buck.

[48:19] I mean, that's more obvious, right?

[48:21] He's workshopping a lot of these.

[48:24] We're so close to the end of Cobra.

[48:26] We gotta push through.

[48:26] We gotta.

[48:27] All right.

[48:28] We'll tell you more about Gratuitous kill

[48:29] some other time, I guess.

[48:30] So,

[48:34] yeah, copyright us.

[48:34] Don't anyone steal it.

[48:35] Come on.

[48:36] So, only the cult leaders left alive

[48:38] and he's doing his classic rant.

[48:40] There's a new world coming.

[48:41] We're paving it.

[48:42] We're trying to kill the weak,

[48:42] so the strong survive.

[48:43] We are the future.

[48:45] It is a very messy philosophy.

[48:47] He makes a lot of good points,

[48:47] now that I think about it.

[48:48] And also, I feel like Cobra would follow

[48:51] a lot of these.

[48:52] Well, if this was a better movie,

[48:55] I mean, if this was another kind of bad movie,

[48:56] you'd say, we're not so different, you and I,

[48:57] but this is a better movie.

[48:58] They do a better job of drawing a parallel.

[49:00] We're like, yeah, the world they're creating

[49:01] is the world Cobra thinks he lives in

[49:03] and wants to live in,

[49:04] because then he can do whatever he wants.

[49:05] But this is a movie that I think,

[49:07] for some reason, they can't make that connection.

[49:09] And maybe it's where Sylvester Stallone's head

[49:12] was at at the time, that he's like,

[49:13] can you believe this bad guy doing this thing?

[49:14] Anyway, the good guy who does the same thing, he's cool.

[49:17] Yeah, no, it's literally a good guy with a gun argument.

[49:21] Yeah, or in this case, a knife versus a chain,

[49:26] which becomes just a bare hands at some point.

[49:27] Anyway, he's like, Cobra, you won't kill me.

[49:30] You have to take me in, even I have rights.

[49:32] And then the courts will call me insane and let me go.

[49:34] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

[49:36] And Cobra goes.

[49:37] And look, at this point, at this point,

[49:39] he has shown no compunction to kill anybody.

[49:44] If ever there was a guy that the speech doesn't work with,

[49:46] it is Cobratti, the guy who has just mowed down

[49:48] every single one of your followers.

[49:51] Cobra, at this point, is like,

[49:53] allow me to present my rebuttal,

[49:55] which is to take him, put him on a hook,

[49:59] and then push him in.

[50:00] does some fire yeah kills it they have a fight and they do it but it's not since

[50:04] I saw a dial of destiny where the bad guys are so kill-crazy and then when

[50:09] they are in a room with the two heroes and they're like give us the thing or

[50:13] we'll kill you and it's like you killed the guy who opened the gate for you at

[50:16] the airport just like shoot them both what are you doing anyway they have a

[50:22] big fight it ends with so much Salonia Texas chainsaw massacring this guy by

[50:26] just impaling him on a giant hook which pulls him into fire and Sylvester

[50:31] Ningred reunite police descend on the area Gonzales is alive and asks for some

[50:35] gummy bears and the police boss is like you did a good job Cobra you need

[50:39] anything tell me and Cobra goes I need my car replaced and he goes it's not in

[50:42] the budget and walks away I was thinking more in the case like you need someone

[50:50] to house sit while you while you recover on a vacation or something and weenie

[50:54] cop he taunts Cobra he's like no but yeah you know no hard feelings but you

[50:58] didn't really have to do all that stuff and Cobra punches him and the audience

[51:01] at that point I guess it's supposed to go nuts cheering yeah this was the stand

[51:04] up and cheer moment of the Oscars that year yeah yeah they were like well we

[51:09] wish we could stand up and cheer at the flash entering a speed sportsman it

[51:12] hasn't happened so and Cobra and Ingrid a driveway on a on one of the dead

[51:24] ex-cult members motorcycles I assume not wearing helmets to a sort of sub

[51:29] Springsteen ish song yeah and now the story of Cobra has been immortalized in

[51:35] the oral tradition for future generations yeah I'll pass down the tale

[51:41] of Cobra to my children who will pass it down to their children I just someday

[51:46] like why do they call him that Papa's he a reptile and I'll say yeah you love

[51:51] animals sure he's a Cobra man sure like in that old anti-drug PSA oh you

[51:56] remember that when the guy turns into a Cobra or that character from Jonah Hex

[51:59] the movie oh the snake man Jonah Hex yeah or like those car commercials the

[52:04] like security system where the guy the burglars reaching for the car but he

[52:07] keeps seeing a snake in the window yeah make things but now is the part of the

[52:13] show we go to it we go we go to do a show in a different country and we're

[52:17] like remember all these ads from when we were a kid advertisements hey

[52:23] remember the you guys remember those ads for Beaucraft Amusement Park the New

[52:26] York Area Amusement Park you guys know the ads for Menards the

[52:31] Midwestern you remember when room plus was having their just round-the-corner

[52:35] sale this is the part where we say our final judgments whether this is a good

[52:40] bad movie a bad bad movie or a movie we kind of like this straddles a couple

[52:46] categories in that morally I find it to be a good bad movie in the sense that

[52:52] like I enjoy laughing at how outside of my own views if you like to laugh at

[53:02] people who share different views than you interesting I am both enjoying it

[53:08] ironically and unironically at the same time because I grew up in the 80s and

[53:12] this sort of trash action has a lot of pull for me but traction but um but also

[53:18] like I kind of like it because it has that canon pictures thing where it is

[53:22] working overtime to entertain you you know the whole time whether or not it's

[53:28] doing it with good stuff or nutritious art not really but I imagine an ad for

[53:38] the French tourism board hires you to do ads and there's a one where you're

[53:42] taking a bite of the Mona Lisa and you're like art it's good for you and

[53:44] they're like why did we do this why do we hire to eat our paintings is the

[53:50] junkiest of movie junk food it's fun what do you guys think yeah I mean it's

[53:55] basically like a movie equivalent of Benjamin Mara comic and I mean I feel

[54:00] like I don't know I it's still a movie I kind of like it's so dumb and it's

[54:08] obviously the message is terrible but I do love the fact that the bad guys are a

[54:13] fucking axe cult like I feel like if this movie is made these days but it

[54:18] can't be but if it was made now the X code would be like fucking vampires or

[54:23] something dumb but in this case it's just like a bunch of playing and it's

[54:29] they make a point they're like anyone could be in this cult there's one guy

[54:32] wearing a suit who's in the meetings we never see him in a fight the only case

[54:35] it's like biker dudes that are in the fights yeah I this movie gets every

[54:39] category for me morally it is a bad bad movie it's a bad message that this world

[54:43] is such a hell pit of violence that we need a man who will kill in order to

[54:46] keep keep things in line but it's also a good bad movie because it's super fun

[54:50] but I also really like it hits every time I've watched it I'm always like

[54:55] this movie I'm gonna hate this movie and then it gets the action scenes and

[54:59] I'm like that car just flipped over and I'm such a sucker for Sylvester Stallone

[55:04] quipping like I'm such this is there's a I feel like this is top-tier Stallone

[55:10] junk for sure he's made good movies this is I mean if you want a good Stallone

[55:14] movie go see Creed if you want a movie that is like the Stallone-iest Stallone

[55:18] in a junkie way then the Cobra is pretty it pushes the buttons yeah it checks off

[55:22] those boxes is that what you check yeah to make sure there's no snakes inside

[55:27] them yeah that's what the PSA told us in the 70s check a box to see if there's a

[55:33] snake it's not so fast little Johnny check that box to make sure there's not

[55:36] a snake inside it there was really that's the first time that's ever

[55:43] happened well I guess this whole PSA outlay of money was worth it I'm chubby

[55:48] checker for box checking don't forget to check your boxes for snakes baby

[55:57] don't twist yourself in knots with worry

[56:04] what are we doing you can go on some more I think you got more gas in the

[56:09] tank I'm Fats Domino before you put those boots on there might be a

[56:14] scorpion inside check your boots for scorpions

[56:22] sound heap with John Luke Roberts is a real podcast made up of fake podcasts

[56:27] like if you had a cupboard in your lower back what would you keep in it so I'm

[56:31] gonna say mugs a little yogurt and a spoon a small handkerchief that was

[56:35] given to me by my grandmother on her deathbed maybe some spare honey I'd keep

[56:40] batteries in it I pretend to be a toy if I had a cupboard in my lower back I'd

[56:44] probably fill it with spines if you had a cupboard in your lower back what would

[56:48] you keep in it doesn't exist we made it up for sound heap with John Luke

[56:52] Roberts an award-winning comedy podcast from maximum fun made up of hundreds of

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[57:04] Oh darling why won't you accept my love my dear even though you are a Duke I

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[57:26] you get those borrowed books back and solve all your other reader problems

[57:30] reading glasses every Thursday on maximum fun hey there this week is a

[57:35] live show and that means that you are lucky question mark enough to have me

[57:41] alone Dan McCoy doing your ad reads for you Stewart Elliot get out of here I got

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[1:00:08] this is the part where we talk to the audience there's a there's a microphone

[1:00:13] right that there am I pointing the right direction no I forgot that we were

[1:00:21] supposed to gotcha vamp a little to give time for this okay we have a we have a

[1:00:32] microphone we have some time for some audience questions we've we've dawdled a

[1:00:39] while let's try and keep it tight let's do this okay we only have time for 73

[1:00:43] questions but it from each of you if you do not have 73 questions do not get

[1:00:49] out of your seat just kidding don't do that sorry everybody don't panic I'm

[1:00:54] untucking my shirt good news yes that says that's the furthest we'll let him

[1:00:58] go check one oh yeah he's wearing a underwear all right good news fellas uh

[1:01:05] flop house TV show on Netflix greenlit pilots coming up thank you this is

[1:01:10] amazing writer room full Oh but you do get to be music consultant what's gonna

[1:01:18] be the needle drop when you are introduced on the show yeah I mean this

[1:01:24] is pretty easy obviously it's the sexiest song ever drop dead legs by Van

[1:01:27] Halen you know it's a little bit funky he says

[1:01:31] giant butt and I love it you expect me to go longer on my children are well

[1:01:41] aware because I've talked about them talking about this if I was ever a major

[1:01:44] league baseball player my walkout or a wrestler for that matter I'm still

[1:01:47] working on it that my walkout music originally what position when you play

[1:01:51] on a baseball team do you know the positions yeah I'd probably be the full

[1:01:55] front my walk if I was a pitcher or something like that my walkout music

[1:02:04] originally was gonna be this town ain't big enough for the both of us by Sparks

[1:02:07] because it's fantastic songs great walkout song but I don't know I've been

[1:02:10] listening so much at Arashi Gakko lately and it's gotta be either Tokyo calling

[1:02:15] or geary-geary now I don't know I'm gonna have to do some some Japanese girl

[1:02:18] pop to come out yeah and I would like to come out to the monster mash yeah never

[1:02:25] is associated with somebody more every time we do karaoke within I don't know

[1:02:31] 11 months of Halloween Dan will inevitably I'll hear the opening

[1:02:36] strains of monster mash I'm like what the it's better to sing it far away from

[1:02:42] that way you have the element of surprise that was the song that was the

[1:02:46] song where at my wedding that was the song that my co-workers requested the DJ

[1:02:50] play they pointed me they're like and my new wife was like I can't believe we're

[1:02:56] dancing to the monster mash I was like just like I always visualized it when I

[1:03:00] was a little boy yes all right this is a quick two-parter it's for Elliot thank

[1:03:08] you so it's not gonna be that quick okay it'll be well you'll see Elliot I

[1:03:12] noticed you haven't drank any of your water are you gonna drink that do you

[1:03:16] want it second part is and I have it if you're not this it was a two-part

[1:03:21] question all right I guess so unless doesn't want me to give away I mean here

[1:03:26] I don't make it and this is a clever beverage workaround but it only works

[1:03:33] once but yeah and but also now you have to give a bottle of water someday to

[1:03:37] someone in need yeah yes hi my question is did you notice that Gonzalez was

[1:03:46] poppy from Seinfeld and you know what you're right about it well you know that

[1:03:53] all that Johnson really got to him because he could not control his bowels

[1:03:56] eventually you're right that was poppy but we were so busy we're so busy being

[1:04:00] excited about David Rash being in the film we didn't even notice well we spent

[1:04:04] so long people dance like I think the main bad guys this guy no wait I think

[1:04:09] it's this other guy I'm like sure what are you gonna make me look stupid for

[1:04:14] all these people this this reminds me when I was working on the television

[1:04:18] show mystery science to 3000 we had a great show we had they are still

[1:04:23] available online the there's a movie we did called killer fish where's this

[1:04:27] there was kind of like loud obnoxious character in it and then I was watching

[1:04:30] Seinfeld and that actor shows up much older in one scene enough so Seinfeld

[1:04:34] and I took a picture of the screen I texted it to my co-workers on I'm like

[1:04:37] he's from killer fish he's in Seinfeld and I received no response I would

[1:04:43] respond which guy is it in Seinfeld or in killer fish inside he was somebody's

[1:04:48] angry neighbor I don't remember what he actually did and he's only in one scene

[1:04:50] but but I was like that's him he's aged terribly you know but that was poppy for

[1:04:57] Seinfeld you're right that's amazing thank you all this time we thought we

[1:05:03] were teaching them they're teaching us yeah so fast hey guys I'm always struck

[1:05:09] when a movie's most famous scene is a real tonal shift from what the actual

[1:05:13] movie is so for instance when I finally watch risky business I was surprised at

[1:05:17] how kind of grim and sinister it is yeah it's not a musical no no it's it's not

[1:05:21] just Tom Cruise slide around in his jockeys or whatever it is have there

[1:05:24] been ever any movies where you've been like you feel like you've been sold a

[1:05:28] false bill of goods on the basis of what the movie's most famous scene or what

[1:05:32] it's sort of been presented to you as and you go into it and you get something

[1:05:35] very very different from what you were well we did just record an episode about

[1:05:38] kangaroo Jack yeah yeah I mean that's an obvious movie that famously retooled its

[1:05:44] entire deal to well at least marketing wise to focus on the one scene of the

[1:05:48] wrapping kangaroo to fool people into thinking this is a jaunty romp about a

[1:05:52] kangaroo that wraps yeah well the first half of audition made me think I mean

[1:05:59] really recently I watched American Fiction and all the trailers really

[1:06:03] pitch it as like a Hollywood shuffle type comedy and I feel like there's a

[1:06:08] lot more going on there so it is a lot of different movies and I think just

[1:06:13] like to some degrees of success so that kind of yeah I don't know that I have a

[1:06:20] good one because I I as much as I my girls seem to be like man there's gonna

[1:06:26] be nothing but happy Macaulay Culkin they sold that movie as a comedy like

[1:06:31] you watch it they're like the wackiest wettest comedy true be hilarious but I

[1:06:39] think yeah they're I'm having trouble thinking of one where it's like there's

[1:06:42] a famous scene and you watch them oh you know what like five easy pieces I grew

[1:06:46] up my dad was always quoting that that the toast scene or whatever it is you

[1:06:50] know then this put the chicken between your knees or whatever and I was like

[1:06:53] he's like it's a great scene and I'm like oh this must be a really funny

[1:06:56] movie and then I watched I'm like well this is it's not really a movie about a

[1:07:00] guy who wants food cooked the right way like it's sort of an unpleasant man

[1:07:04] yeah very unpleasant but he plays piano beautifully yeah thank you thank you

[1:07:12] cool like water yeah great show did a podcast about it all that body is it's

[1:07:21] a really good podcast check it out maximum fun thank you I'm great question

[1:07:26] thank you I'm wondering if you were ever in a situation where you impaled

[1:07:33] somebody on a hook and then push them into a furnace you think I'm gonna tell

[1:07:36] you that when the cops have been after me for years sorry this is if you were

[1:07:40] in that's right right yeah would you want to have a snappy one-liner to say

[1:07:47] about it after prepared and if so what would that snappy one-liner be I feel

[1:07:52] like if I was in that situation I would be like Rachel McAdams and Kate when I

[1:07:56] don't automatically be like oh my god I'm so sorry I'm so sorry oh my god yeah

[1:08:02] yeah the camera had cut to me I go I imagine yeah you would want one prepared

[1:08:12] because that's a scenario that's likely to happen and like I'd probably be like

[1:08:16] I'd be like give this guy the hook but that's not great but then the other

[1:08:19] thing comes to mind is the hook does bring you back but that's a reference to

[1:08:22] the Blues Travelers less less big hit all right I'll think we'll think of

[1:08:28] something yeah I'm all hook up what you don't want to keep doing that or else

[1:08:32] you're gonna get hooked oh that's good that's good yeah yeah and or let's see

[1:08:38] something about fishing looks like you're a deader shade of pale it's

[1:08:51] impaled on a you know just I guess Peter Pan must be your mortal enemy cuz call

[1:08:58] you Captain Hook I hope that answers your question the answer is we've got to

[1:09:14] work on it we gotta do this yeah I've got to assume you're on a cover of

[1:09:17] Rolling Stone cuz your doctor I imagine so much Sloan drives around just

[1:09:22] thinking of good quips being like I gotta write that down and pulls over if

[1:09:25] a guy shoots another guy through the knee and he can say needs to meet you

[1:09:33] okay well I'm running late so I better get back on the road or he's got like a

[1:09:38] like a dictation app it's like note to self if I'm ever in a movie and I throw

[1:09:43] a guy into quicksand okay yeah so ever since I watched I think it was children

[1:09:54] of men I've been kind of obsessed with movies that use one long takes or like

[1:10:00] Yeah, exactly. It's a movie in one take. It's amazing.

[1:10:05] You're going to start a fight about it? Yeah, yeah.

[1:10:08] So much so that my fiancé now makes fun of me for it when we're watching movies together.

[1:10:12] Is your fiancé Mike D'Angelo a famous long take hater?

[1:10:16] Oh, yeah, of course. I wish.

[1:10:18] I was just wondering if you had a favorite example of a long take or a one-er in a movie.

[1:10:25] I mean, the opening of Touch of Evil is a classic.

[1:10:30] I don't have much to say about it, but, you know, I mean, both versions are pretty good.

[1:10:36] You either get some great sound design or you get a Henry Mancini score.

[1:10:41] Can't go wrong with any cut of Touch of Evil.

[1:10:44] Rave Sam McCoy in local podcast show.

[1:10:50] I mean, this is not a controversial take, but the hallway fight scene in Old Boy is a favorite one-taker of mine.

[1:10:56] Because it's like the not just because it's like, oh, it's cool.

[1:10:59] It's like they have to catch their breath.

[1:11:02] They keep falling down and getting up again.

[1:11:04] And I was like, yeah, I guess if I was in a fight, even if I was doing well, I'm not knocking out these guys with punches.

[1:11:10] Like they have to keep getting up and doing it again.

[1:11:12] And you can tell they're real tired of it.

[1:11:14] I feel like it's not just one take, but it's a thing where it's like, oh, this wasn't in one take.

[1:11:18] It wouldn't be quite the same.

[1:11:19] The same as I finally last year watched Jane Dillman, which is a lot of single take scenes of a woman making meals.

[1:11:26] And it's I'm like, you know what?

[1:11:29] Goddammit, there's no other way to make this movie.

[1:11:33] I got to watch her make cutlets from beginning to end.

[1:11:36] Making meals.

[1:11:37] Then a big night is a good one where, like, you just see him make an omelet for his brother the night after and they just play it out.

[1:11:47] Yeah, I like there's a couple shots in.

[1:11:49] It follows where the camera just.

[1:11:51] Yeah.

[1:11:52] Crowd scene and you're like, man, one of those has got to be that.

[1:11:54] It follows walking weird.

[1:11:57] The title told me it was going to follow that.

[1:12:00] It better follow something.

[1:12:02] There's a there's also one less is the opening of Day for Night.

[1:12:05] The Truffaut movie where it is a long single take.

[1:12:08] And then you realize you are watching a movie being shot that is doing a long single take.

[1:12:12] And I love that.

[1:12:13] They're like you're like, oh, I wonder which of these characters this movie is going to be about.

[1:12:16] Oh, none of them.

[1:12:18] Wow.

[1:12:19] Thank you.

[1:12:20] Good one.

[1:12:21] Single takes, everybody.

[1:12:22] Why not do it?

[1:12:25] Hey, I don't know much about Marvel, but I know that the Winter Soldier was a good guy turned bad guy turned back to good guy.

[1:12:33] You know it.

[1:12:34] So ignoring the first part of it, what supervillain or movie monster would you want to turn over to the good side and fight for the good guys?

[1:12:46] Somebody with some really good powers.

[1:12:49] Usually that's what makes the characters not so good no more.

[1:12:52] But I'm a huge Venom fan, not the movies necessarily, but the original character.

[1:12:57] And he's turned now he's gone from being a sociopath, like a psychopath who thinks he's a hero to the in the comics.

[1:13:03] He's now the emperor of a time and space spanning alien race.

[1:13:07] And I'm like, I kind of wish when he missed when he was just a guy who ate people's brains.

[1:13:11] But what do you mean?

[1:13:12] Like, like what kind of like like Detective Dracula, maybe or something like that?

[1:13:15] Or I mean, this is what happens to any long running horror franchise.

[1:13:19] Right. This is like, OK, well, now they're kind of de facto the hero.

[1:13:23] Even if they're like killing people, you don't care about any of those people.

[1:13:26] You go to see the monster.

[1:13:28] That's true. Like Freddy becomes the hero in a way.

[1:13:31] Yeah. I mean, Freddie Mercury.

[1:13:33] I'm going to say Lydia Tar. I want Lydia Tar to be a good guy.

[1:13:37] Oh, she's got a lot.

[1:13:39] OK, you know what?

[1:13:42] And what's the second movie where Lydia Tar becomes a hero in some way to tour?

[1:13:47] Yeah, there.

[1:13:51] But I think, yeah, if it's got to be a monster, I mean, probably Dracula.

[1:13:56] But if it doesn't have to be like a traditional monster, then the Zodiac Killer.

[1:14:04] He's a hero.

[1:14:07] He was dextering the whole time.

[1:14:09] You didn't know it the whole time.

[1:14:11] You know, that's the twist.

[1:14:12] And he's great at making puzzles.

[1:14:14] If I was I'm like Zodiac Killer, come to my office, please.

[1:14:17] You've got two strengths, murdering people and puzzles.

[1:14:20] I want you to steer into the puzzle side of your talents.

[1:14:24] Thank you. Thanks.

[1:14:26] Yeah. Look, Zodiac Killer.

[1:14:28] Will Shortz, the crossword puzzle editor at The New York Times is retiring.

[1:14:31] I think you can get that job, but you've got to stop killing people.

[1:14:34] I don't know if I want to leave the Bay Area.

[1:14:36] You'll do it remotely. It's fine.

[1:14:37] You can do that now.

[1:14:39] I don't think we're in any danger, but I'm just going to say don't join the line.

[1:14:42] We'll cut it off anyway.

[1:14:43] It'd be amazing if I stabbed you.

[1:14:45] I don't think we're in any danger.

[1:14:48] But I'm not willing to go that far for a bit.

[1:14:51] You all.

[1:14:53] All right.

[1:14:55] First off, Stuart, thank you for saying that thing about it's a spark factory.

[1:14:59] I guess I've been saying the exact same thing since I saw the movie.

[1:15:02] Yeah.

[1:15:03] You've got to make them somewhere.

[1:15:04] Yeah.

[1:15:06] The question I've had since watching Cobra, does Stallone just want to be a cop?

[1:15:12] Is that basically or is that just every 80s movie guy or action guy?

[1:15:17] Yeah, I mean I think there's a certain amount of like wanting to be a first responder.

[1:15:22] Like I feel like there's a, I don't know, I feel like there's an urge to be like lumped in with the heroes.

[1:15:28] I mean, certainly to be a hero, heroes, to be in a position, I mean, to be in a position where to force is authorized.

[1:15:36] You know, and I think in for heroes and movies, at least it's like, well, if we put this guy in a uniform, then he can just go ahead and kill people.

[1:15:42] But if he's not wearing a uniform, then he's a he's a maniac, you know, or a maniac cop.

[1:15:47] Or they can still be a cop.

[1:15:49] That's true.

[1:15:50] Yeah.

[1:15:51] I don't know that it's specific to Stallone.

[1:15:54] I think he'd rather be a boxer than a cop.

[1:15:57] But I think he'd rather be a cop than a race car driver.

[1:16:01] Like in that one movie, I think he'd rather be a race car driver than like a like a than like a mob boss with a daughter.

[1:16:10] That's good.

[1:16:12] Yes.

[1:16:13] What did he want to be?

[1:16:14] A cliffhanger?

[1:16:15] Yeah.

[1:16:16] He'd rather be a mob boss with a daughter than a guy who is a cliffhanger, you know, a mountain climbing guide.

[1:16:20] Yeah.

[1:16:21] My serious response was that I think that, you know, I think that just human beings have power fantasies and some people deal with them better than others and realize which ones are poisonous.

[1:16:34] Yeah.

[1:16:40] First of all, Dan, I just have to say I was stunned by your revelation that the director of Cobra's son went on to make Mandy.

[1:16:47] Yeah.

[1:16:48] And also the director of Cobra, like I mean, Stu said that rumor is that Kurt Russell directed a lot of Tombstone.

[1:16:54] But I had no idea that it was the same guy.

[1:16:56] Like there's such different feeling movies.

[1:16:58] Yeah.

[1:16:59] I was just thinking about Mandy throughout watching this because they're both red lit films about a woman who was marked for death by a cult leader she saw on her way to work.

[1:17:06] That's right.

[1:17:07] Mandy is a stealth remake of Cobra.

[1:17:10] That's right.

[1:17:11] Oh, I mean, Mandy does feel like you're taking.

[1:17:14] Why Nicholas Cage cuts that pizza with the bare scissors.

[1:17:17] It totally feels like you're like taking one of these like trash 80s movies.

[1:17:21] Let's just push it further and further into like absurd hell world.

[1:17:26] Yes.

[1:17:27] And Mandy, it corrects the one big era, one big error.

[1:17:32] Sorry.

[1:17:33] With Cobra.

[1:17:34] The big error of Cobra was the 1980s.

[1:17:35] You're confusing the pun in our tour name.

[1:17:37] That's true.

[1:17:38] Oh, because it has the cheddar goblin, right?

[1:17:41] The whole time you're watching Cobra, you're like, where's the goblin that pours cheese on kids?

[1:17:48] Mandy has that amazing chainsaw, chainsaw fight.

[1:17:50] And the one thing that Cobra is missing is they're holding axes the whole movie.

[1:17:54] There is never an axe fight in the entire thing.

[1:17:56] Stallone never picks up an axe.

[1:17:58] And it's just it's right.

[1:17:59] They're leaving money on the table.

[1:18:01] There should have at least been a moment where they're like, go on, pick up the axe.

[1:18:04] And he's like, never.

[1:18:06] There's no way to do things.

[1:18:08] You're one of us.

[1:18:09] Pick up the axe.

[1:18:10] Or he picks up the axe and he's like even way better at clanging it and shit.

[1:18:13] What?

[1:18:14] You'd be the best.

[1:18:15] The chosen one.

[1:18:16] And they kneel before him.

[1:18:18] My question, though.

[1:18:22] Cobra is unfortunately not streamable in Canada.

[1:18:25] I had to settle for renting it on YouTube.

[1:18:27] But I did spend multiple weekends over the last month searching for it on DVD in thrift stores,

[1:18:32] which I was not able to find.

[1:18:34] But it did make the act of thrifting way more fun to have something to be after.

[1:18:38] So my question to you gentlemen is,

[1:18:40] is there a white whale movie that you yourselves are looking to add to your physical media collections?

[1:18:48] Oh, I thought you were going to ask me what I look for in thrift stores.

[1:18:50] The answer is always sweaters with cats on them.

[1:18:54] That is a true answer.

[1:18:55] Often don't sell them in my size, unfortunately.

[1:18:58] Usually they're small people clothes.

[1:19:02] I mean, honestly, not really at this point because it's much more like if I want to see something and it's not available,

[1:19:12] that is the one time where I'm like, as someone who makes their money sometimes off of people paying for art,

[1:19:20] if it's not being made available, that is the one time I will be like, yeah, I'll just find it somehow.

[1:19:25] I'll do whatever.

[1:19:27] Dan, to possess it.

[1:19:28] Yeah.

[1:19:29] I've got to get I've gotten past that.

[1:19:32] I think I hope I don't know too much stuff.

[1:19:35] I mean, I would love to get a good quality copy of a lot of like John Woo's movies, which are just not available.

[1:19:41] I used to have a bunch of those on VHS tapes.

[1:19:43] And I you know, when I did my we did it when I before I moved to Los Angeles,

[1:19:47] we did an Alamo show where I then gave away and signed all my VHS tapes.

[1:19:51] And I wish I had kept a lot of those.

[1:19:53] I'm it's not movies that I want, but I am a collect.

[1:19:55] A couple years ago, got into the hobby of collecting really beat up.

[1:20:00] condition 60s Marvel comics like ones where they're all ripped up and people

[1:20:03] wrote their names on it I missed an issue of Amazing Spider-Man that someone

[1:20:06] took a bite out of and I'm really mad I missed that auction but uh I've been

[1:20:10] trying to collect a run of really beat up all of Steve Ditko's issues of

[1:20:14] Amazing Spider-Man and I've got really crappy copies of all but the first five

[1:20:17] and I'm still looking for those it was an issue in issue two that someone took

[1:20:21] a bite out of and I'm like surely this won't go for a lot of money and it

[1:20:24] surprisingly did maybe to whoever was trying to solve a crime and they figured

[1:20:29] there's still DNA on the whoever owned this loved it so much that they wanted

[1:20:33] to be we can finally finally have a we have an example of the culprits

[1:20:38] tooth marks here I can match them up to the wound but that's more what I'm into

[1:20:41] right now it's kind of old beat-up ripped up Marvel Comics so maybe someday

[1:20:44] thank you so this movie has a lot of our Cobra has a lot of unmentioned Christmas

[1:20:54] decorations yeah which I read was because all of their shooting locations

[1:20:59] just had them up so I love it so I'd like to advance the front in the die-hard

[1:21:07] theater of the war on Christmas and ask is this a Christmas movie it's as much a

[1:21:13] Christmas movie as any other action film set at Christmas if you in your heart

[1:21:19] believe it to be one then the magic of Christmas has made it so and I feel like

[1:21:24] I will say diehard is slightly more Christmas because he does say ho ho ho

[1:21:28] at one point whereas this movie Cobra doesn't have time for Cobra doesn't have

[1:21:32] a family Cobra the only God he believes in is his own two fists and the guns

[1:21:36] that they're holding like it is but it but it is very funny to watch it again

[1:21:40] we kind of had a similar reaction we're like is it is is it Christmas do they

[1:21:45] even know it's Christmas but it's a bed but yeah so I guess he has a Christmas

[1:21:50] movie right yeah obviously yeah we did it question we did it everyone let's add

[1:21:54] it add it to the list let's add to the holiday rotation now yeah now it's got

[1:21:59] to play every year at the same time hello hello my name is Max last name

[1:22:04] withheld I don't know if we're still doing that great to have you here and

[1:22:07] last minute you talked about the theater experience yeah and I think that Rio

[1:22:13] counts as one of those old-timey theater yeah 20 years ago I lived in the

[1:22:17] apartments right next door and this used to be a Bollywood theater and I

[1:22:21] never came in okay so I'm wondering what sort of large

[1:22:26] gaping genre gaps do you have in your cinematic viewing experience here well

[1:22:32] Dan certainly not pornography I think you're covered on that one yeah I am as

[1:22:42] God made me I mean Bollywood is a huge gaping hole I mean a lot of cinema I

[1:22:50] have not seen and it's it's hard to get a hold of sometimes I mean it's getting

[1:22:56] easy I think it's it's hard to know where to start yes and that like African

[1:23:00] cinema is similar for me like there's every time I see a movie from an African

[1:23:04] nation I'm like yeah I'm starting to see these and I'm like well it's a whole

[1:23:07] continent it's all different countries with different cinema heritages and but

[1:23:10] uh that's the thing one of the things that I kind of like and find

[1:23:12] frustrating about film is that like the more you learn about it the more you

[1:23:16] realize you don't learn about it's like paleontology that way we're like the

[1:23:19] more you learn about dinosaurs the more you learn you will never know most of

[1:23:21] the things about dinosaurs and so yeah cuz you can't like getting a time

[1:23:25] machine and go back and look at a dinosaur and then accidentally step on a

[1:23:28] butterfly I mean you shouldn't that'd be bad I mean that's pretty much what

[1:23:31] happened and that's why 2016 happened the way it did I think yeah but they but

[1:23:34] I think that uh that's one of the fun things about film but it's also

[1:23:37] frustrating that there's some there's always so much out there but for me it's

[1:23:40] very much African film I mean a big obvious one for me was a few years ago I

[1:23:44] realized that when I was growing up I just avoided romantic comedies because I

[1:23:49] was like I want to watch horror movies so I've been watching a lot of romantic

[1:23:53] comedies and there's some really good ones I'd be like I'd never seen dirty

[1:23:58] dancing for a long time that I've mentioned earlier and I love it it's the

[1:24:01] best it's great and yeah so you should check out things you see yeah I don't

[1:24:07] know my biggest real gaps are as you say it's not so much genres it's like a

[1:24:12] lack of knowledge of a lot of world cinema which is just something that

[1:24:16] happens unfortunately I think and you have really have to work against if you

[1:24:21] want to change it how many times have you seen Cobra no there but but there

[1:24:27] are like a couple genres that like I used to think I didn't like like the

[1:24:31] Western which I realized I do like but I still have huge gaps in or and then

[1:24:36] there's stuff that I there are outliers where I'm like that oh that's a great

[1:24:40] movie but I don't really like war movies so I don't seek them out you know but

[1:24:44] that's the best I got thank you thank you finally a lot of pressure that was

[1:24:51] a much more appropriate any question I stockings I remember it's a Bridget

[1:24:56] Nielsen was married to Sebastian Salone during this movie but she had an

[1:24:59] important era in the early 2000s of on a show called this real life yeah sure she

[1:25:05] fell in love with Flavor Flav before it's like the flame installation are

[1:25:10] very similar she's got a type well this is my question so before his flavor of

[1:25:14] love series but I was just wondering if you had any key plot points that would

[1:25:17] need to change a flavor Flav was Cobra yeah a lot more conscious cop yeah some

[1:25:27] sort of time cop if you will yeah well I feel like I feel like he's also

[1:25:31] expressed his beliefs against the police many times yeah be less of a

[1:25:36] police officer and if he was like I imagined his role being like similar

[1:25:43] ways like a hype man behind yeah but his quips would be amazing amazing still be

[1:25:49] great amazing like crimes the disease and maybe rhymes the disease how could

[1:26:04] you ask for a better ending thank you so much for being here I don't want to take

[1:26:10] up any more of your time we don't want to take up any more time we thank you

[1:26:13] for allowing us to be here thank you so much for coming for the flop house I've

[1:26:18] been Dan McCoy I've been Stuart Wellington I'm Elliot Kalin if you

[1:26:33] think of any questions on the way home forget them they will not be answered

[1:26:49] maximum fun a worker owned network of artists owned shows supported directly

[1:26:55] by you

Ep. #416 - Cobra, LIVE!

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