Ep. #418 - Cool as Ice, LIVE

Stuart Wellington

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Cool as Ice, live from Portland, Oregon!

[0:30] Hey everyone, welcome to the Flophouse, I'm Dan McCoy.

Dan McCoy

[0:38] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:40] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:44] And yes, we are live from the Aladdin Theater in Portland, Oregon.

[0:49] Stopped to on our Errors Tour.

[0:53] We still have some juice.

[0:56] I hope so.

[0:57] We'll see how it goes.

[0:58] Look, I have been whining so much.

[1:00] You know, it's four dates.

[1:03] You do whine a lot.

[1:06] I'm glad you recognize that about yourself now.

[1:08] I'm not used to doing anything.

[1:11] But yeah, we got up, we flew here, and we're glad to be here to talk about Cool as Ice,

[1:19] starring one Mr. Vanilla, Robert Van Winkle Ice.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25] When he wrote the letters accepting the role, it said, from the desk of V-Ice on the top.

[1:31] They're like, very ice?

Dan McCoy

[1:33] Can you be that?

[1:34] Now, V-I-Warshowski, was that a Vanilla Ice project as well?

Stuart Wellington

[1:38] Yes, Vanilla Ice Warshowski, exactly.

[1:40] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:40] Everyone remembers those things in one movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:45] So, did anyone in the audience actually watch Cool as Ice?

[1:49] Wow, wow, wow.

[1:51] You guys are lucky.

[1:52] Yeah.

[1:53] You're welcome.

[1:54] Yeah.

[1:55] So, we're going to be talking about Cool as Ice today.

[1:57] I have the lucky job of summarizing it.

[2:00] Let's see how I did.

[2:01] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[2:03] How you did?

[2:04] Okay.

[2:05] Stuart's unstuck in time.

[2:07] He's experiencing all moments at the same time.

Dan McCoy

[2:08] Take a look through the portal of time.

Elliott Kalan

[2:10] Dan, you forgot.

[2:11] Stuart left his watch inside a radiation experiment of some kind.

[2:14] So, now he's on Mars at the same time he's here.

[2:17] So, if you've never heard the podcast before.

Stuart Wellington

[2:18] Dr. Stu Hatton.

[2:20] Dr. Stu Hatton.

[2:21] I'm just sick of all these vanilla ices.

Elliott Kalan

[2:24] I may go out to space and make some vanilla ices of my own.

Stuart Wellington

[2:29] So, if you've never heard the podcast before and you've been dragged here, we're not going

[2:33] to show the movie.

[2:34] No.

[2:34] I'm going to paint a word picture of Cool as Ice.

[2:36] Do that on your own time, please.

Dan McCoy

[2:37] I'm going to do it poorly compared to the movie.

[2:39] If you ever wanted to have vanilla ice, to have Cool as Ice described to you,

[2:44] you're like, buckle up.

[2:47] I can't.

[2:48] It would be too much work to go to Wikipedia and read a summary.

Elliott Kalan

[2:50] I'm sure along the way we'll describe vanilla ice.

[2:53] I think it'll happen.

[2:53] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[2:54] Okay.

[2:55] So, the movie opens with a dance number.

Elliott Kalan

[2:57] That's right.

[2:58] I'll say this.

[2:59] The first seconds of this movie are fantastic.

[3:04] Electric.

[3:04] Not on the ironic level that I enjoy much of the movie on.

Stuart Wellington

[3:08] So, this is where the director's really showing off his music video and Playboy video

[3:14] directing shots.

Dan McCoy

[3:15] Before we get into it.

[3:16] So, a lot of people talk about how...

[3:18] We got into it, Dan.

[3:19] Janusz Kaminski, Academy Award winning cinematographer, did the cinematography for Cool as Ice.

[3:25] And he's here tonight.

[3:26] Yeah.

[3:27] Bring him out.

[3:29] You know, so the movie looks beautiful on that level, but also the director...

[3:33] I was really setting Elliot up for a Janusz Kaminski impression.

[3:36] Yeah.

[3:36] What does he say?

[3:37] That sounds...

Elliott Kalan

[3:37] I don't know.

[3:39] Yeah.

[3:39] I'm very worried about that.

[3:40] Was that questionable?

[3:42] You know, it is me, Janusz Kaminski.

[3:46] I like to make movies at night.

Dan McCoy

[3:50] So, he's the cinematographer, but the director of the film...

Elliott Kalan

[3:54] Let's put the shot over there with my children.

[3:57] Yeah.

[3:58] In addition, like...

[3:59] I don't drink wine while I'm working.

[4:04] But at night...

[4:04] It's unprofessional.

[4:05] After a day of working with Mr. Spielberg, sometimes I need a little bit of something to take the edge off.

Dan McCoy

[4:11] I need a wine with a little wine.

Elliott Kalan

[4:15] Anyway, I'll be in my coffin until tomorrow's shoot, if you need me.

Dan McCoy

[4:19] You want to talk about wine or whatever.

[4:22] The director of this film...

[4:24] I remember they asked me...

Elliott Kalan

[4:25] They asked me to be the director of photography on Big Night, and I looked at the set.

[4:30] Garlic everywhere.

[4:32] No, no, said I.

Dan McCoy

[4:36] The director.

[4:39] His other big film is Inspector Gadget, starring Matthew Broderick.

[4:44] Maybe.

[4:46] But he has a long career as, one, a music video director.

[4:50] Two, a director of television commercials.

[4:53] And three, a director of Playboy videos.

[4:55] Which helps you understand Cool of Zyce, which is just a series of striking images that don't relate to one another.

Elliott Kalan

[5:03] Set to music.

[5:04] Dan, for the audience, do you want to describe Playboy videos for anybody?

[5:08] They're basically just music videos where girls take their clothes off, right?

Stuart Wellington

[5:10] Upstairs, we're kind of all agreeing that Dan missed his calling as being a Playboy video director.

Dan McCoy

[5:16] Imagine there's sort of like a mechanic's garage where an attractive woman works, and there's like one smudge here.

[5:22] And she's like, I should take my clothes off to deal with this.

Elliott Kalan

[5:25] Now, you may say to yourself, it's a mechanic's garage.

[5:27] There's not, there wouldn't be an old-timey jukebox in the corner.

[5:30] Oh, that's where you're wrong.

[5:34] So a lot of images.

Stuart Wellington

[5:35] Okay, so the movie opens with.

[5:37] That's what the movie Images is about, right?

Elliott Kalan

[5:38] It's about the making of a Playboy movie?

Stuart Wellington

[5:40] Movie opens with a dance number that's basically like a whole music video for what?

[5:45] Get With It?

[5:45] No, that's later on.

[5:46] I can't remember.

[5:47] Everybody Get Loose, I think, is the song.

Elliott Kalan

[5:49] All the Vanilla Ice songs are essentially the same song.

[5:52] It's about getting loose, getting with it.

[5:54] I'm a great rapper.

[5:54] I'm such a great rapper.

[5:55] I'm the best.

[5:56] That's essentially every song.

Stuart Wellington

[5:57] So this is Everybody Get Loose featuring Naomi Campbell.

[6:01] We got a big star.

[6:02] Yeah.

[6:02] We will then disappear from the film.

[6:04] She disappears.

[6:05] Yep.

[6:06] It's not called Cool as Campbell.

[6:08] It's not called Cool as Campbell.

[6:10] The video is set in a warehouse.

[6:13] There's a lot of dancing, flipping, etc.

[6:15] As the song wraps up, we are introduced to a crew that helped perform these dance numbers.

[6:21] Johnny, played by Vanilla Ice.

[6:23] Should I call him Vanilla Ice or Johnny?

[6:25] Just call him Vanilla Ice.

[6:26] Vanilla Ice.

[6:26] Okay.

[6:27] So we have Vanilla Ice and then his posse, which is Sir D, Jazz, and Princess.

[6:31] Don't worry.

[6:32] They don't mention their names that many times.

Elliott Kalan

[6:34] They're not even...

[6:35] And they're not really in the movie after a certain point.

[6:37] They hang out.

[6:38] They hang out.

[6:38] They hang, yeah.

[6:39] They're in a different, more Richard Linklater-ish movie.

Dan McCoy

[6:44] Yeah, where they're teaching sort of an elderly mechanic couple how to cut loose.

Elliott Kalan

[6:48] Yeah, well, they just kind of waste time.

[6:49] They're bored a little bit.

Stuart Wellington

[6:50] Yeah.

[6:51] So they head out on their motorbikes down like a lonely country highway.

[6:55] Yeah.

[6:56] Vanilla Ice does some stunt motorcycle driving against Kathy, a young equestrian.

[7:03] He spooks her horse.

[7:04] She gets mad at him.

[7:05] And then they do a little bit of like fight flirting, playful banter.

[7:08] Yeah, she hits him and he banters.

Elliott Kalan

[7:09] I think she is letting him off easy considering he could have easily killed her by spooking

[7:15] her horse by driving a motorcycle, jumping over a fence in front of a horse.

[7:20] And I don't think he jumps a fence, yeah, and she gets thrown.

Stuart Wellington

[7:24] I think that he gets let off easy.

[7:26] I'm going to hazard a guess he doesn't understand horses very well.

Elliott Kalan

[7:30] Well, he's like, oh, look at that big meat bike.

Stuart Wellington

[7:33] Well, later on, later on, he describes her specifically as, yeah, that Chukku drives the horse.

Elliott Kalan

[7:41] He's a city boy.

[7:42] He's not used to seeing horses.

[7:45] You know he's a city boy.

[7:45] That's a big rat that's kidnapping that lady.

Stuart Wellington

[7:49] Well, you can tell he's a city boy because he has bricks shaved into the back of his head.

[7:53] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[7:54] Okay.

[7:54] So, we should describe Vanilla Ice because this movie is...

[7:58] If he didn't grow up when Mr. V. Ice was popular.

[8:02] This movie, the biggest falls this movie has is in presenting a world where Vanilla Ice can

[8:07] walk around and people aren't just like goggle-eyed being, what are you?

[8:11] What is this?

[8:11] What are you talking about?

[8:12] That's what the movie is.

[8:13] No, they treat him the way you would treat like a leather-jacketed punk in the 50s.

[8:17] They don't treat him like a neon cartoon character.

Dan McCoy

[8:20] Oh, I disagree.

[8:21] I think the beauty of this film is he goes to this small town and everyone's like, what

Elliott Kalan

[8:25] the fuck is this?

[8:26] Yeah.

[8:26] Not enough.

[8:27] Not enough.

[8:28] The fact that anyone in the movie holds a conversation with him without being like,

[8:31] what?

Stuart Wellington

[8:36] Holds a conversation, I think, is charitable.

Elliott Kalan

[8:41] So, in the middle of this...

[8:43] Every scene, they should be looking at each other going, is this a real person?

[8:46] Like, did you hire this guy for my birthday?

Stuart Wellington

[8:49] Yeah, yeah.

[8:49] They're looking around for the camera and it's right there next to Janosz Kaminsky.

Elliott Kalan

[8:53] Yeah, just pretend we're not here.

[8:54] It's a movie.

[8:55] It's...

[8:56] You're actors.

[8:58] I don't know how you're forgetting this.

[9:00] So...

[9:00] Come on, the sun's coming up in minutes.

[9:02] We got to get this shot.

Dan McCoy

[9:04] No, I don't...

[9:04] I don't understand.

[9:06] Are you concerned with, you know, magic hour or are you concerned with the fact that you're

[9:10] a vampire?

Elliott Kalan

[9:10] Do I have to choose?

[9:11] It's a little bit of both.

[9:12] Okay.

[9:13] There's a space on the Venn diagram that says, hurry up, is right here.

[9:16] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[9:19] So, while they're driving through, like, a small town, USA, suburban town, Jazz's bike

[9:25] breaks down in the middle of the street.

[9:27] Everybody looks at him.

[9:28] They're like, what's going on with these guys?

[9:29] Plastic Jazz.

[9:30] Yep.

[9:31] They definitely don't pull over.

Elliott Kalan

[9:32] No, they just hang out in the middle of the street.

Stuart Wellington

[9:35] Luckily, through happenstance, they find local mechanics, Roscoe and May, who live in a

[9:41] very quirky Pee Wee's Playhouse type thing.

[9:43] Yeah, that's a good way to describe it.

[9:45] Oversized furniture and salt shakers and whatnot.

Elliott Kalan

[9:47] The roof is a giant map of the world, right?

[9:49] Love it.

[9:49] Perfect.

[9:51] Okay.

[9:51] They have globes, like, impaled along the edge of their yard as if to warn other globes

[9:56] from coming to their house.

Dan McCoy

[9:57] And this is all stuff that, again, striking images that will just, like, cut to, like,

[10:01] oh, let's look at this for a little while.

[10:03] Yeah.

[10:03] You know, here's an interesting thing.

[10:05] Yeah, sure.

[10:06] It has nothing to do with the story, but it's probably better than whatever we had cooked

Elliott Kalan

[10:10] up.

[10:11] At a certain level, you could cut together a scene from Cool as Ice and a scene from,

[10:15] what's the David Byrne movie, True Stories?

[10:18] Absolutely.

[10:19] And you wouldn't be able to tell that much of a difference.

[10:21] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[10:22] So, while they're waiting around for the bike to get fixed, they see Kathy riding along

[10:28] with her preppy boyfriend, Nick.

Dan McCoy

[10:29] Not on a horse.

[10:30] In a car.

Stuart Wellington

[10:31] No, they're riding around in a sports car.

[10:32] Like a metal horse.

[10:33] And they like, very similar, actually.

Dan McCoy

[10:36] It's very important, the dichotomy of this movie.

[10:38] He has a car, and Vanilla Ice drives a motorcycle.

[10:43] And she drives a horse.

Elliott Kalan

[10:44] And she drives a horse.

Dan McCoy

[10:45] Drives a horse.

Elliott Kalan

[10:46] She's the perfect Cronenbergian melding of organics and machine.

Stuart Wellington

[10:52] Turns out Kathy lives just down the street from Roscoe's house.

[10:57] Uh-huh.

[10:58] Which is like, wouldn't the neighborhood committee be like, you can't put fucking globes on this?

[11:03] He was there first before the yuppies moved in.

[11:06] They can't get rid of him.

[11:07] Try as they do.

[11:08] Okay.

[11:10] So, Vanilla Ice runs over, and they engage in a little bit of flirty banter.

[11:14] Meanwhile, he distracts her and steals her organizer for some reason.

[11:20] Cool guy behavior.

[11:21] Hero of the movie.

[11:24] Meanwhile, inside the house, we get this, like, a family life sequence that's sped up super fast,

[11:30] so that it's kind of terrifying.

Elliott Kalan

[11:32] It's pretty, it's pretty, it is, again, it's like, they're not, I guess maybe they are.

[11:36] There's a satirical edge to it, and I don't know if they're intending it or not.

[11:40] This kind of, like, sped up world where her younger brother watches TV and kind of passes out.

[11:45] Yeah, like, it's a, it's not a bad, it's not bad stuff.

Dan McCoy

[11:49] No, it's like, it's like, but it does, definitely feels like this is a music video.

[11:54] Yeah, it does, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[11:54] I mean, this is essentially Vanilla Ice's version of Moonwalker, the Michael Jackson movie that's just videos put together.

Dan McCoy

[12:00] Except for, like, I really wish there was a point in which he turned into claymation.

Elliott Kalan

[12:04] Yeah, or a giant robot at the end.

Dan McCoy

[12:06] Yeah, that would be amazing.

Stuart Wellington

[12:07] That was a documentary, too.

[12:08] That doesn't happen, though.

[12:09] Yeah, so the family gathers around the TV, and they watch a segment on the news about how Kathy's kind of like a scholar athlete.

[12:17] And her dad, Gordon Winslow is there as well.

[12:21] Played by who?

[12:23] Played by Michael Gross.

Dan McCoy

[12:26] TV's family ties dead, and everyone's favorite, Tremors Hunter.

Elliott Kalan

[12:29] Here's the thing, though.

[12:30] It's true, actually.

[12:31] Watch the movie and tell yourself, Michael Gross is doing an impression of James Urbaniak.

[12:35] He is.

[12:37] Somehow.

[12:37] His voice sounds just like him.

[12:39] His mannerisms are a lot like him.

[12:40] Interesting.

[12:41] Yeah, thank you.

[12:42] One person in the audience agrees.

[12:43] Affirmation.

[12:44] That's all I need.

[12:46] Jesus needed 12 followers.

[12:48] I only need one.

Stuart Wellington

[12:52] So this news story has a little bit of reach, because meanwhile we see in a bar a couple of mobsters are watching the same story.

Dan McCoy

[12:58] Yeah, the local news about this scholar.

Stuart Wellington

[13:01] Yeah.

[13:03] And on the news, they recognize her dad as an old, like, informant.

[13:09] And we, just to clarify things, Gordon Winslow, Michael Gross, is actually Jimmy Hackett, a former cop who turned, what, evidence against his partners?

Elliott Kalan

[13:19] He had a dirty partner, and he turned evidence against him and his accomplices.

[13:23] Yeah, and his gang.

[13:23] Got put into witness protection.

[13:25] Witness protection.

Dan McCoy

[13:25] This gets cleared up later.

[13:27] Much later.

[13:27] But, like, we'll cover it now.

[13:29] Well, but, yeah, we'll cover it now to make it clear.

[13:31] But it's weird to me, in the context of the movie, that Michael Gross takes, like, he knows that he's in danger.

[13:37] Yes.

[13:37] And he takes so long to explain to his family why.

[13:42] When the movie kind of implies, like, oh, maybe there's, like, maybe he has some reason why he's ashamed of it.

[13:48] Whereas, like, if I was in this situation, I'd be like, no, I did the right thing.

[13:53] Like, there are criminals now after me.

[13:55] I'm going to tell you everything immediately.

Elliott Kalan

[13:57] Dan, if you had been in this situation, you would have done the right thing and not put your goddamn face on television.

[14:02] Yeah.

[14:04] That's true.

[14:05] I guess he's just so, and it makes more sense than when you're watching it, he's kind of, like, trying to half-shield his face with his hand.

Dan McCoy

[14:10] I'm so proud of my daughter.

Elliott Kalan

[14:12] I'm so proud of my daughter.

[14:13] Just the sun's in my eyes.

[14:16] But, uh, he's proud of his, I mean, I understand that.

[14:19] I'm so proud of my kids.

[14:20] If they got to be on TV, I'd be like, yeah, send some hit men after me.

[14:23] I don't care.

Stuart Wellington

[14:25] Don't really do that.

[14:26] Meanwhile, over at Roscoe's house.

[14:28] Good, good save.

[14:31] So it turns out that Roscoe has completely deconstructed Jazz's bike.

[14:36] Uh-oh.

[14:37] They're going to have to stay a while.

[14:37] It's going to take at least 24 hours to fix.

Dan McCoy

[14:40] He's like, this is sort of a play on a motorcycle.

Stuart Wellington

[14:43] A motorcycle two ways.

[14:44] But you need all the smears of sauce around.

[14:47] Of course you do.

[14:48] That's the best part.

[14:49] That's one of many ticking clocks.

[14:51] We'll get to others.

[14:52] Meanwhile, Johnny goes to their house, and he, uh, meanwhile, he's going to talk to Kathy again.

[14:59] He bumps into the mobsters who have already shown up, and he's talking to them.

[15:03] Uh, they're like staking out the house.

Elliott Kalan

[15:05] They are sitting on their car, just within plain view of the front door of the house.

[15:10] Yeah.

[15:11] But this is not their intimidation moment, because they come back later, and they're like-

[15:14] They come back later.

[15:14] And they're like, hey, it's us.

[15:15] It's like, what were you doing just outside the house?

Dan McCoy

[15:17] Well, they were there, so Johnny could talk to them, which would lead Michael Gross to, of course, thinking that they're in cahoots.

Elliott Kalan

[15:23] To assume these two gangsters are working with, again, an alien cartoon.

Dan McCoy

[15:28] This flat-top man with a down-by-law jacket and, uh...

Elliott Kalan

[15:34] And multiple different outfits, even though he had no luggage on that motorcycle.

[15:38] They ball up his clothes and stuff him in the exhaust pipe.

Dan McCoy

[15:41] I mean, he wears, like, four different hats.

[15:44] What gig do you think that they were going to that took them through this, uh, this zone?

[15:50] Wherever they were going, they were going to freak out some squares.

[15:52] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[15:54] That's a good point.

[15:55] I guess they were on their way to the Nassau Coliseum.

Stuart Wellington

[15:58] The mobsters show up, and they, like, threaten Michael Gross.

[16:02] They say, you've got to give us $500,000 in damages, I guess.

[16:06] And you have 24 hours to do it.

Elliott Kalan

[16:08] There's like $500,000 worth of DVDs of damages.

[16:11] How will I get them in time?

Stuart Wellington

[16:13] I mean, just wait alone is going to be a challenge.

[16:16] Yes.

[16:16] Okay.

[16:18] Meanwhile, the kids all go to a party at the Sugar Shack.

[16:20] That's a local venue.

[16:22] This is the nerdiest venue they could possibly go to.

[16:25] It's pretty cool.

[16:26] There's a local band that is not doing very well.

[16:29] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[16:29] But I kind of enjoyed their weird, like, funk-punk take on this.

[16:34] Like, they sounded like a worse version of the Minutemen, kind of.

[16:38] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[16:39] It was almost because they're doing, it's what, a Sly Stone song?

[16:41] Yeah.

[16:41] And it feels like, almost like a Neil Hamburger version of his last song.

[16:44] Yeah.

[16:45] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[16:46] Vanilla Ice and his crew show up and they commandeer the microphones and they perform their song,

[16:51] The People's Choice.

[16:52] Mm-hmm.

[16:53] And everyone's like, what?

[16:55] Well, the crowd is initially, like, cold to it, but they warm up.

Elliott Kalan

[16:58] Yeah, they're like, this is the new sound they've been looking for.

[17:00] Yeah.

[17:01] The honeyed words of Vanilla Ice.

Stuart Wellington

[17:04] Well, and Vanilla Ice, like, pulls Kathy in and they start to dance and Nick's like, I don't know if I like this.

[17:09] Don't approve.

[17:10] And she gives him, she gives him a countdown.

[17:13] She's like, look, you've got 24 hours to return my organizer.

[17:19] I'm like, oh man, I'm counting my fucking watch.

[17:23] She then gets in a fight with her boyfriend who's like, why are you dancing with that maniac?

[17:28] And he's drunk and he's frankly being an asshole, right, Dan?

[17:31] Or Dan's like, oh, he's been reasonable.

[17:34] Dan's, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[17:35] Let's see how Dan gets.

Dan McCoy

[17:36] Whenever I have something to say, they assume that I'm going to.

[17:39] No, this is, this is an interesting tactic.

[17:42] Dan's like, Barbie got too many Oscar nominations.

[17:47] No.

[17:49] I do not.

[17:50] You said it.

[17:50] No, I did not.

[17:52] Stuart told me you said it.

[17:55] I guess there's two sources now.

[17:57] Yeah.

[17:58] People are saying that you said it, Dan.

[18:00] No, it's, this movie is playing a card that I think is funny that a lot of movies play where they're like,

[18:07] like they make it a viable choice that Vanilla Ice is the romantic lead for this woman by making the other choice a dick.

[18:17] And clearly these are the only two men available.

[18:21] It's like, well, I guess between these two, this guy, he's a goober, but he seems nice.

Stuart Wellington

[18:26] Well, after he steals her organizer, he keeps calling her college girl in the weirdest way possible.

[18:32] Yeah.

[18:32] That's Vanilla Ice.

Dan McCoy

[18:33] Everything he says is like so smugly delivered.

[18:38] And the script for it, I'm like, did they, did they improvise this whole thing in Vanilla Ice provided his own?

[18:44] Like, he seems so pleased with himself, but everything is like, I mean, his line delivery is like the little girl from the fall.

Stuart Wellington

[18:52] It's like, does he know he's in a movie?

Elliott Kalan

[18:55] He thinks he's actually romancing Kathy.

[18:58] They're paying him with candy.

[19:01] But it is, it is, every line, he seems convinced that he is the greatest performer in the history of the world.

[19:07] So she gets in a big.

Dan McCoy

[19:08] But that works for his character.

Stuart Wellington

[19:09] His character is a vain asshole.

[19:10] It's perfect.

[19:11] So she gets in a fight with her boyfriend, storms off.

[19:14] The mobsters follow her on the road, and then luckily, Vanilla Ice shows up and saves her on his motorcycle.

[19:21] But when he drops her off at home, her dad yells at her.

[19:24] He's like, do you know this guy?

[19:25] And she's like, uh, I just met him.

[19:27] And he's like, you shouldn't date him.

[19:28] And she gets mad at him.

[19:29] I'm like, no, your dad's kind of right.

[19:30] He's like, look at this guy.

[19:32] Look at him.

Dan McCoy

[19:33] I have to admit, the first time, and I can't believe I'm saying this words, the first time I saw the movie Cool as Ice,

[19:39] I may have been a little stoned.

Elliott Kalan

[19:43] And I didn't, like, really...

[19:45] Go, you covered yourself.

[19:45] I can't arrest you now.

[19:46] It didn't...

[19:48] Elliot talks into his lapel.

[19:49] We don't got what we need.

[19:50] Forget it.

[19:51] Call it off.

Stuart Wellington

[19:51] Stand down, stand down.

[19:52] Stand down.

[19:53] Sniper, stand down.

Elliott Kalan

[19:55] It didn't really...

[19:56] Don't take the shot.

[19:56] Actually, you know what?

[19:57] Go for it.

Dan McCoy

[20:00] Wow.

[20:01] My friend for so many years.

[20:04] It was all a long con, Dan.

[20:05] Yeah, the deep cover.

[20:06] It didn't...

[20:07] Like, the farce plotting of this didn't sink into me.

[20:10] Like, how much misunderstanding there was going on where it was like,

[20:12] Oh, Michael Gross saw Vanilla Ice with these...

Elliott Kalan

[20:16] Literally saw him asking directions from the monsters.

Dan McCoy

[20:18] Right, and now he's like, oh, he must be friends with the mobsters.

[20:21] Because, like, in my mind, I'm just like, yeah, you know,

[20:24] of course Michael Gross would be like,

[20:26] don't date this guy.

Elliott Kalan

[20:28] Well, the movie has to give him a plot reason to say,

[20:32] don't date this weird stranger who almost killed you with his motorcycle

[20:37] when you were riding a horse.

Stuart Wellington

[20:40] Okay.

[20:40] So, after dropping her off,

[20:43] Vanilla Ice goes back to the sugar shack to pick up his crew,

[20:46] who are nowhere to be found, but it doesn't matter.

[20:48] Outside, Nick and his buddies are, like, beating up Sir D,

[20:54] one of his crew's bikes,

[20:56] and then Vanilla Ice beats them all up easily.

[20:59] Single-handedly.

[21:00] Single-handedly, barely breaks a sweat.

[21:02] It's incredible.

[21:03] And then he leaves.

[21:04] Next morning...

[21:05] Like a regular Vanilla Reacher.

[21:08] Guys, next morning...

Elliott Kalan

[21:10] Oh, I guess this is important.

Stuart Wellington

[21:13] Stuart stood up.

[21:13] Possibly my favorite moment of the movie.

[21:17] Kathy is awoken in her bed.

[21:22] In her home.

[21:24] In her home.

[21:25] Her private residence.

[21:27] With an ice cube that's being first dripped into her mouth

[21:30] and then pushed between her lips.

[21:34] That ice cube held by, of course, Vanilla Ice.

Elliott Kalan

[21:37] Now, do you think he created that cube with his ice powers?

[21:40] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[21:42] That's to be assumed.

Elliott Kalan

[21:43] There's nothing in the movie that says otherwise.

Dan McCoy

[21:45] Professor Xavier taught him to harness his mutant capabilities.

Elliott Kalan

[21:49] And then kicked him out of the school.

[21:50] Yeah.

[21:51] You're giving mutants a bad name.

[21:53] So, Vanilla Ice-

[21:54] Everyone else thinks you're weird.

[21:57] Everyone thinks you're weird,

[21:58] and we have a blueberry gorilla mouth.

[21:59] And we have a lot of weirdos here.

[22:01] Have you seen us?

[22:02] We are weird.

[22:04] We're weird.

[22:06] Anyway, class of 2000-whatever,

[22:09] go on and be weird in the real world.

[22:11] That was the speech?

Stuart Wellington

[22:13] I do like the idea that Professor X is like,

[22:15] just fucking go out there and go crazy.

[22:16] Yeah, man.

Elliott Kalan

[22:17] Look, I was wrong.

[22:19] Just live your fucking life, man.

[22:20] I was wrong.

[22:20] Apocalypse was right.

[22:21] Let's go show those flat scans

[22:23] what it's like when a mutant's around.

Dan McCoy

[22:25] We are homo superior.

[22:26] Fuck it, man.

Elliott Kalan

[22:28] And they're like,

[22:29] I think Professor Xavier's having a midlife crisis.

[22:31] Yeah.

[22:33] He really souped up his wheelchair.

[22:35] Yeah.

[22:36] I bought a Corvette wheelchair,

[22:39] but then I went into therapy.

[22:42] You should know those things.

Stuart Wellington

[22:42] I feel like you like the robes and outfits he wears

[22:44] when he goes into outer space

[22:46] to hang out with his space girlfriend.

[22:47] It was like a super midlife crisis move.

Elliott Kalan

[22:50] Every man reaches a point in midlife

[22:52] when they say goodbye to their old life

[22:53] and they go into she-are space

[22:55] with their alien feather-haired girlfriend

[22:58] because she's a half bird.

[22:59] Yeah.

[23:01] Don't I know it.

[23:02] Leaving behind the school they run.

Stuart Wellington

[23:07] Okay.

[23:08] Okay.

[23:08] So Kathy wakes up with this strange man in her bed.

[23:13] She's known him for a day.

[23:14] She's cool with it, though.

[23:15] She's almost cool as ice with it.

[23:17] Yeah.

[23:18] They banter a little bit.

[23:20] They, like, run around the bedroom playfully.

[23:23] From another perspective,

[23:25] it might be terrifying.

[23:28] They end up going on a day date

[23:30] where they ride around on his motorcycle.

Dan McCoy

[23:32] This is where it gets the most Playboy video-esque.

[23:36] As they, like, frolic in fields of wheat.

Stuart Wellington

[23:39] And in a half-finished house.

[23:41] Yeah.

[23:41] A construction site.

[23:42] Yeah, they visit this construction site.

[23:44] They horse around.

[23:45] They ride a horse.

[23:47] They ride a bike around in the desert.

[23:50] They play around in the field.

[23:51] This is all one day, I guess.

[23:52] Yeah, it's all one day.

[23:53] They pose.

[23:54] A frolicking.

[23:55] A day full of frolicking.

Elliott Kalan

[23:56] Is it the weekend?

[23:57] Is she not in school anymore?

[23:58] Is it time has no meaning in the middle of the ice?

[23:59] It doesn't matter.

Dan McCoy

[24:00] It doesn't matter.

[24:01] This is cool as ice, baby.

[24:02] They show up.

Elliott Kalan

[24:03] He drops her off home late.

[24:04] Ben, I know you got the day off from school for Yom Kippur.

[24:07] Let's go out to the desert.

Dan McCoy

[24:11] Wow.

[24:12] Johnny, I didn't expect you to know that.

Elliott Kalan

[24:14] I understand the calendar.

[24:19] I don't want to brag.

[24:20] I didn't say that I'm supposed to be atoning today, Johnny.

[24:22] Well, we're not going to eat.

[24:23] We're just going to frolic around an unbuilt house.

[24:26] In a way, that unbuilt house represents the unfinished world that we're tasked with repairing.

[24:31] Oh, Reb Ice.

[24:33] You're so wise.

[24:34] Yeah.

[24:42] As the good book says.

[24:43] Yeah, yeah.

[24:44] It wasn't.

[24:45] Get with the hero, not with the zero.

[24:46] Yeah.

[24:50] Yeah.

[24:52] That's in Levita Ice.

[24:54] Yeah.

[24:56] Stuart, if you don't interrupt me, I'm just going to be doing more Vanilla Ice is a rabbi jokes.

Stuart Wellington

[24:59] Yeah, so Vanilla Ice drops Kathy off at home, or Kat, as he calls her, drops her off at home.

[25:06] And her dad, Michael Gross, comes out.

[25:08] And he confronts him.

[25:09] You know, they have a big fight.

[25:12] He, after Vanilla Ice leaves, he comes clean with Kathy, explains the whole situation, the witness protection, etc.

[25:20] He urges her to break up with Vanilla Ice, which is not a surprise, but surprisingly, she agrees with him.

[25:26] She decides to do it.

[25:28] She breaks up with him.

Dan McCoy

[25:29] I mean, she does.

[25:30] She probably does see the wisdom in, like, oh, there are people trying to kill the family, maybe.

[25:37] And I just met this guy yesterday.

[25:40] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[25:40] Also, you've got to imagine she envisioned herself at the altar, and she's like, am I really potentially going to marry Vanilla Ice?

[25:46] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[25:48] This is ice.

[25:49] You know, I mean, based on all his outfits, based on all his outfits, his fucking, his tuxedo for the wedding's going to be incredible.

[25:59] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[25:59] It'd be great.

[26:00] Those tails are going to be so long.

[26:01] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[26:03] He's going to wear, like, a bright orange leopard print jacket.

[26:06] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[26:07] I'm just describing Stuart's wardrobe now.

[26:10] What I would not get.

[26:11] Yeah, for the listener at home, Stuart has a terry cloth, a fully terry cloth outfit.

[26:16] All terry cloth, yeah.

[26:17] With a cheetah print on the top.

[26:18] It doubles as a towel.

[26:19] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[26:21] Okay.

[26:22] So, Kathy breaks up with Vanilla Ice.

[26:24] Vanilla Ice rides off on his motorcycle angrily.

[26:28] You know, he sits and stares off into the middle distance.

[26:31] He goes, hangs out in Roscoe's house on a giant couch.

[26:35] Tommy, her younger brother, shows up with a new haircut that looks nothing like his.

[26:40] Sorry, Tommy.

Elliott Kalan

[26:41] I mean, he did it himself.

[26:43] He said, I did it myself.

[26:44] How's it look?

[26:44] And Vanilla Ice is like, great.

[26:47] Sorry, honey.

Dan McCoy

[26:48] I got to say, as much as a goober as Mr. V. Ice comes across in this movie, like, he is

[26:54] pretty, like, sweet with this kid.

[26:56] Yeah, he's very good with this kid.

[26:57] He's a good dude.

[26:58] He's the hero of the movie.

[26:59] He is the hero.

Elliott Kalan

[27:01] No, I know.

Dan McCoy

[27:02] It is written to, you know, burnish him a little.

[27:04] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[27:05] It is a radical move for the hero of the movie to be nice to a child.

[27:08] I know.

[27:09] I just, I...

[27:10] There's some charm here.

[27:12] There's some charm.

[27:13] But also, it's hard to be, it's hard not to be nice to a kid who so clearly idolizes

[27:17] you.

[27:17] I mean, me and my boys, they don't feel that way about me, but, you know.

[27:21] But I'm sure if they ever met Freddie Freeman, they would feel that way, you know.

[27:25] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[27:25] Are you saying about them, like, liking to draw you farting?

Elliott Kalan

[27:28] Let's not get into it.

[27:31] They were doing chalk drawings in the backyard, on the pavement, and they drew a picture of

[27:36] my wife holding a guitar, and they're like, you're a rock star, mommy.

[27:38] And they drew a picture of me sitting on the toilet.

[27:42] With farts coming out.

[27:45] It's a different kind of love.

[27:47] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[27:47] Something like that.

[27:48] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[27:49] I think there's a deleted scene where the little kid Tommy expressly does not do that.

[27:54] Yeah, yeah.

[27:54] I could draw this, but I won't.

[27:56] Nice.

[27:57] So, he gives Tommy a motorcycle ride.

[28:00] It's great.

[28:00] It wouldn't be respectful to Mr. Ice.

[28:01] Yeah.

[28:02] While they're riding around, they see Nick, the spurned lover, now beaten up fellow, and

[28:08] he sees them, which is important because it's another misunderstanding.

[28:12] The mobsters, after Tommy's dropped off...

Elliott Kalan

[28:14] It's like a clockwork French farce.

Stuart Wellington

[28:16] Is this vanilla ice or French vanilla ice?

[28:20] Get the fuck out of here.

Elliott Kalan

[28:24] Whoa.

[28:25] Oh, wow.

[28:26] Full heel turn.

[28:26] Heel turn.

[28:27] Heel turn.

Dan McCoy

[28:27] You don't deserve that joke.

[28:29] What?

[28:30] What happened?

[28:31] Oh, man.

[28:32] Zone out for a moment, and Elliot's yelling at the audience.

[28:35] So...

Elliott Kalan

[28:36] They love that joke on the East Coast.

[28:39] Ow.

[28:41] Yeah.

[28:42] The, uh...

[28:43] When I go tell that joke in Miami, they're gonna love it.

[28:47] Or Charleston.

[28:49] So, the mobsters break in and kidnap...

[28:50] Technically, the East Coast, Dan.

[28:54] Doesn't have to be the Northeast to be an Eastern Coast.

[28:55] You're right.

Stuart Wellington

[28:56] I was about to argue with you.

[28:59] If I don't keep...

[29:00] If I don't talk about the movie, Elliot's just gonna keep naming American cities.

Dan McCoy

[29:05] In Baltimore, they like that joke.

[29:07] To be fair, half of our podcast is just naming things.

[29:11] Yeah, true.

Stuart Wellington

[29:11] Okay, so, the mobsters break in and they kidnap Tommy.

[29:14] An important point on the screen?

[29:17] Tech Mobile, the video game.

Elliott Kalan

[29:19] That's...

[29:19] Earlier...

[29:20] It's a great game.

[29:21] You always play the 49ers.

[29:22] Earlier, he's playing...

[29:23] Is it Mario Brothers 3?

[29:25] I can only tell from the music.

[29:27] And hearing that music, it was like...

[29:30] And I hate to bring up a French thing, because I know you guys hate French stuff.

[29:33] But it was like...

[29:34] It was like...

[29:35] It was like...

[29:36] Proust biting into that medle and just hearing that little bit of Mario Brothers 3 music just took me back.

[29:41] Sure, yeah.

[29:43] Give me the beat, boy.

[29:44] I want to get lost in your Mario Brothers 3 soundtrack.

[29:49] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[29:52] We need to stop clapping, because...

[29:54] It's only encouraging me.

[29:56] Wait, what?

[29:57] Because Jazz's bike is finished.

[30:00] It's time for the crew to move on.

[30:02] All things must end.

[30:04] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[30:04] But his friends are very sensitive.

[30:06] They're like...

[30:07] They're very sensitive.

[30:08] You gotta hammer out this problem with Kathy before you go.

Stuart Wellington

[30:10] Yeah, you won't be the same.

[30:13] So, Vanilla Ice goes to say goodbye.

[30:15] However, he accidentally delivers a ransom tape in the process.

[30:20] It happens, folks.

Elliott Kalan

[30:21] This is the dumbest...

[30:23] He picks up this envelope.

[30:24] He has a confrontation with the dad at the door.

[30:26] And then he's like, oh, by the way, this is for you.

[30:28] He doesn't say, this was on your doorstep.

[30:31] He says, this is for you.

Stuart Wellington

[30:33] Okay.

[30:33] So, at this point, everybody but Kathy thinks Vanilla Ice is in on it.

[30:37] Nick shows up and he's like, yo, I saw him driving around with Tommy.

[30:41] Everybody thinks...

[30:42] Jamming.

[30:43] Yeah.

[30:43] Kathy, however, is like, no, I'm gonna give him one more chance.

[30:47] He's a good man.

[30:48] She goes over to Roscoe's house.

[30:51] She confronts Vanilla Ice.

[30:52] And in the process, plays him the ransom tape, which is an audio tape, which is great because

[30:58] that's Vanilla Ice's natural medium.

[30:59] That's what it is, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[31:01] He's a musician.

[31:02] He's got those musician's ears.

Stuart Wellington

[31:04] Yep, yep.

[31:05] And in the process of listening to the tape, he hears somewhere in the distance the sound

[31:10] of that construction site that they horsed around at.

[31:15] The rhythmic pounding of that horrible heart.

[31:20] Okay.

[31:22] So, using that knowledge, they go to the construction site.

[31:27] They bust into the hideout of the bad guys.

[31:29] They beat the shit out of them very easily.

[31:31] Easily.

[31:32] They save Tommy.

[31:33] They show back up at Roscoe's driving the mobster's car with the mobster's tied to the hood.

Elliott Kalan

[31:39] Now, is it more unbelievable that Vanilla Ice is a one-man Army Corps or that Vanilla Ice

[31:45] is in any situation without people being like, what are you?

[31:48] What's...

[31:49] So the mobsters are tied up?

[31:52] I guess I'll leave that up to the listeners.

[31:53] Yeah.

[31:54] Dan and Stuart have no answers.

[31:55] No, I'm...

Stuart Wellington

[31:56] The end is in sight.

[31:57] Yeah, we're so close.

[31:59] We're so close.

[32:00] Yeah, we're almost outdone with the ice.

[32:01] Michael Gross walks up.

[32:02] He's like, I'm so sorry.

[32:04] Goddamn, I respect you.

[32:05] Yeah, goddamn, I respect you.

[32:07] You bastard.

[32:07] I don't like your methods.

Elliott Kalan

[32:08] Take my daughter right now.

Dan McCoy

[32:10] Yeah.

[32:10] Well, it is funny how, like, the cops are there because, you know, they've been called because

[32:15] of the kidnapping.

[32:15] They drive up with the thing and then, like, immediately Michael Gross is like, oh, I'm sorry.

[32:18] And then he's like, don't stay out too late.

[32:21] He's like, if you guys are going to do it, you've got to do it normal, not weird style.

[32:25] It's like, is no one going to take anyone's, you know, statements about the crime that was

[32:31] committed?

[32:32] It's more like, yeah, you can go out and do my daughter.

Stuart Wellington

[32:36] Yeah, that's the only plausible.

[32:39] That's the only do.

[32:40] They don't take any statements, folks.

[32:42] Okay, so Kathy and Johnny, you know, they make up.

[32:45] They're like, you know what?

[32:46] In this crazy world, we're just two young lovers.

[32:49] Nick shows up and he's like, uh, what are you guys doing or why are you breaking up with

[32:53] me?

[32:53] Of course, they make fun of him.

[32:55] They ramp off the hood of his car.

Dan McCoy

[32:56] Well, he also says, this is the last you'll see of me and my car.

[33:03] Proving again, he identifies mostly with his car.

[33:06] He's a car person versus Vanilla Ice.

[33:09] Yeah.

[33:09] He's a bike person.

[33:10] He's deviant two-wheeled ways.

Stuart Wellington

[33:12] He's not a horse person.

[33:14] He's not a bike person.

[33:14] Two wheels good, four wheels bad.

Elliott Kalan

[33:16] And then as the car farm taught us.

[33:19] Yeah, probably George Carwell.

[33:21] Yeah, Stuart, let's finish it, shall we?

[33:22] Sorry.

[33:25] As the...

[33:26] Actually, George Carwell sounds like George Orwell and George Carlin put together.

[33:30] These are seven words Big Brother will not allow us to say on the business screen.

Dan McCoy

[33:37] Thank you for bringing it home, Elliot.

Stuart Wellington

[33:41] So Stuart, cool as ice?

[33:43] Yeah.

[33:46] As the slow motion motorcycle touches down, we cut to the get with it video club performance

[33:55] where Vanilla Ice plays an entire song again.

[33:59] He shows off his dance moves.

[34:01] It's incredible.

[34:02] And, notedly, Kathy is there dancing with him forever.

[34:06] Yeah, and I guess...

[34:07] That is the end.

[34:10] That is cool as ice.

[34:12] What a movie.

Elliott Kalan

[34:13] What a movie.

[34:17] There's one thing, Stuart.

[34:19] You did an impeccable job.

[34:20] That was a fantastic summarizing job.

[34:22] There's one thing I just want to call attention to, which is when earlier Kathy has given ice

[34:26] a ring, and when she's like, I can't see you, he sneaks back into her room and drops

[34:30] the ring into her fish bowl.

[34:32] And when she comes back home, the first thing she does is check that fish bowl as if she

[34:35] expects there to be mail in it.

Dan McCoy

[34:38] Yeah, it's like, oh, a message.

Stuart Wellington

[34:40] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[34:40] She checks it like I check my Instagram DMs.

[34:43] Yeah.

[34:45] Did this...

[34:46] Did these fish poop this ring?

Elliott Kalan

[34:49] Oh, wow, my fish made me a ring.

[34:51] So nice of them.

[34:53] I guess I'll marry my fish.

[34:54] These are magic fish.

[34:56] If I cut them open, there must be many rings inside.

[34:58] No, Kathy.

[35:00] No.

Dan McCoy

[35:01] So, of course, of course, this is the part where we make our final judgments about cool

[35:06] as ice.

[35:07] What are those fucking categories, Dan?

[35:09] Wow.

[35:11] Okay.

[35:12] Aggro stew there.

[35:14] Is this a fucking good bad movie?

[35:16] A fucking bad bad movie?

[35:17] I don't like it when you do it.

[35:19] Or a goddamn movie you kind of like.

[35:22] This is, to me, this is a primo good bad movie.

[35:26] A lot of, like, I would make the argument that the best bad movies are not totally bad.

[35:33] They have qualities that are actively enjoyable, and they're just juxtaposed with really weird

[35:40] stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[35:41] But they're being used at cross purposes.

Dan McCoy

[35:43] And I would like to further a theory that I have.

[35:48] This is Dan's movie theory.

[35:51] I don't have a better.

[35:52] Often theories are named after people's last names, but you can call it Dan's movie theory.

[35:55] Sure.

[35:55] The McCoy theory of.

Elliott Kalan

[35:58] Yes, my name is Fermat Jones.

[36:01] This is my last theorem.

Dan McCoy

[36:03] There are certain bad movies that are indistinguishable from a great comedy with the same premise.

[36:10] Because this movie is essentially, like, Vanilla Eisen's movie is essentially Zoolander.

[36:17] In that he's, like, a narcissist swanning about, making smirky looks, thinking he's, like,

[36:24] the coolest fucking thing.

[36:25] Dresses crazy.

[36:26] And everyone in the movie is, like, what is going on with this dude?

[36:30] But, you know, he wears them down with his innate, goofy goodness.

[36:35] But you're right.

Elliott Kalan

[36:35] It's like if Zoolander, if the point of Zoolander was that Zoolander is the coolest man in the

[36:39] world.

[36:39] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[36:40] Anyway, it's a lot of fun.

[36:42] I think it's good.

Elliott Kalan

[36:44] Bad.

[36:44] Yeah, I'm going to say it's not good, bad.

Stuart Wellington

[36:48] I'm going to say this is a movie I kind of like.

[36:50] I will say The Iceman Cometh.

Dan McCoy

[36:56] Put it on the criterion re-release.

Elliott Kalan

[37:00] What if, that's a, again, what if that was what the play was about?

[37:03] It's me, Gene Shallon.

[37:04] We're all here at the bar talking about our wasted dreams and wasted lives.

[37:08] And then Vanilla Ice walks in and goes, what up, everyone?

[37:10] Get with the hero.

[37:11] Yep, yep.

[37:12] Yep, yep.

Stuart Wellington

[37:14] No, I mean, it's so much fun.

[37:15] I think it's very stylish, like the Iceman himself.

[37:21] I mean, it's so silly.

[37:24] And I mean, it has this, like, there's a definite charm to the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[37:29] It's great.

[37:30] Thumbs up.

[37:31] I am right in the middle in that, objectively, it's a good, bad movie.

[37:39] Subjectively, I do kind of like it because it is, it's, at many points in the movie, I am not laughing at it.

[37:46] I am delighting in it.

[37:47] And at a certain point, I was like, if David Lynch made this movie.

[37:52] It wouldn't be any different.

[37:53] It wouldn't be any different.

[37:54] And was forced to cast Vanilla Ice, same movie, same movie.

Dan McCoy

[37:58] And it's 90 minutes long.

[38:00] Oh, so beautiful.

Elliott Kalan

[38:01] The perfect length for anything.

[38:03] Well, not for, you know, like a, like a, like strangling.

[38:05] That would be too long, you know.

[38:07] You know, 90 minutes is too long for that, you know.

[38:09] Thank you for clarifying, because I was going to strangling you for 90 minutes.

[38:13] No, like a bowel movement.

[38:14] Too much, too much.

Stuart Wellington

[38:14] Yeah, you're going to use a loophole, a loophole of strangling wire.

Elliott Kalan

[38:18] No, but 90 minutes is such a perfect length for a movie.

[38:20] It's just like, there's certain times when you're like, they're not making the movie they think they're making.

[38:24] They're making a better movie than they think they're making.

Dan McCoy

[38:28] Yeah, so I guess that's the verdict for all time.

[38:31] We did it.

[38:32] Yeah.

[38:32] We did it.

[38:35] Give that movie all the Oscars.

S7

[38:41] I'm Emily Fleming.

[38:43] And I'm Jordan Morris.

[38:44] We're real comedy writers.

[38:46] And real friends.

[38:47] And real fucking cheapskates.

[38:49] We say, why subscribe to expensive streaming services when you can stream tons of insane movies online for free.

[38:58] As long as you're fine with 25 randomly inserted super loud car insurance commercials.

[39:03] On our new podcast, Free With Ads, we review streaming movies from the darkest corner of the internet's bargain bin.

Elliott Kalan

[39:10] From the good to the weird to the holy shit, look at Jean-Claude Van Damme's big old butt.

S7

[39:15] Free With Ads, a free podcast about free movies that's worth the price of admission.

S4

[39:20] Every Tuesday on MaximumFun.org or your favorite pod spot.

[39:25] Hello, everyone out there.

[39:27] Thank you for coming to our service.

[39:30] Yes.

[39:30] We are ready to heal you.

[39:34] We are Ross and Carrie.

[39:36] We are faith healers.

[39:38] Yes, you there.

S8

[39:38] Yes, sir.

[39:39] You have a spirit of...

S4

[39:40] Not listening to enough podcasts.

S8

[39:43] We have the solution for that.

S4

[39:45] Oh, we can cure you.

S8

[39:46] You should listen to Oh No, Ross and Carrie.

[39:49] Hallelujah.

[39:49] It's on Maximum Fun.

S4

[39:51] I couldn't have said it better myself.

[39:53] Yes, ma'am.

[39:53] Yes, you there, Gladys.

S8

[39:55] A spirit of boredom?

S4

[39:56] Oh, my goodness.

[39:57] We have the solution for you.

[39:59] It is to listen to the podcast Oh No, Ross and Carrie.

Dan McCoy

[40:09] The Flophouse is sponsored in part by Babbel.

[40:13] The best way to learn a language?

[40:14] Immersion.

[40:16] Living where the language is spoken and using it every day.

[40:19] But if that's not in the cards this year,

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[40:37] Not egg spurts.

[40:38] Not egg spurts, yeah.

[40:40] No, that mean like,

[40:41] I mean, egg spurts are useful for omelet advisories

[40:46] and other things, but for Babbel,

[40:50] experts are probably the thing you want.

[40:52] To help you to start speaking a new language

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[40:57] Babbel is designed by real people

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[41:09] so you're ready to practice

[41:11] what you've learned in the real world.

[41:14] And you know what?

[41:16] Look, I did normal language stuff

[41:22] all through high school and college,

[41:25] and it flew out of my head

[41:28] the moment I stopped using it.

[41:30] Whereas if you use Babbel,

[41:32] it's the sort of thing that just reinforces

[41:35] the language.

[41:38] It helps you learn it.

[41:39] It helps you retain it.

[41:41] It helps you use it in a way

[41:43] that you would use it in real life.

[41:46] It is a wonderful service

[41:48] that has over 16 million subscriptions sold.

[41:52] Plus, all of Babbel's 14 award-winning language courses

[41:55] are backed by their 20-day money-back guarantee.

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[42:02] Right now, get 50% off a one-time payment

[42:06] for a lifetime Babbel subscription,

[42:09] but only for our listeners

[42:12] at babbel.com slash flop.

Elliott Kalan

[42:16] We also have some Flophouse stuff

[42:19] from the Flophouse

[42:20] that we want to tell you about.

[42:21] I mentioned at the top of the show

[42:23] that we have some live shows coming up.

[42:25] March 31st,

[42:26] we're going to be in Brooklyn

[42:27] at the Bell House.

[42:28] It's an Easter Flophouse special.

[42:30] That's right.

[42:31] We're going to be at the Bell House

[42:32] for a show at 7.30 p.m.,

[42:33] and we're going to be talking about

[42:36] The Garbage Pail Kids.

[42:38] Yeah.

[42:39] It's the movie equivalent

[42:41] of The Garbage Pail Kids.

[42:44] I don't know how else to say it.

[42:48] It's a magical time.

[42:49] Yeah, yeah.

[42:50] For all.

[42:50] So that's March 31st

[42:52] at the Bell House in Brooklyn.

[42:53] You're going to love it,

[42:54] and then a little less than two months later,

[42:57] on May 24th in Oxford, England,

[42:59] we're going to be doing two shows

[43:00] in one night

[43:01] as part of the St. Audio Podcast Festival

[43:03] at 7 p.m.

[43:05] Greenwich Mean Time, I guess.

[43:06] We're going to be doing The Avengers,

[43:08] not the Marvel The Avengers,

[43:10] but the Hollywood remake

[43:12] of the British television show,

[43:13] The Avengers,

[43:13] and at 9 p.m.,

[43:14] we're going to do Spice World.

[43:16] That's right, Spice World.

[43:17] As of yet,

[43:18] the only Spice Girls movie,

[43:20] but I'm holding out hope.

[43:21] So that's March 31st in Brooklyn

[43:22] and May 24th in Oxford, England.

[43:25] Plenty of time for you

[43:26] to get between those two locations

[43:27] and see all those shows.

[43:29] For tickets and more information,

[43:31] go to flophousepodcast.com

[43:34] slash events.

Dan McCoy

[43:36] Also, I just want to mention

[43:37] that the MaxFunDrive

[43:39] is going to come up real soon.

[43:42] Just a little preview

[43:43] of the sort of bonus content

[43:44] we have in store for this year.

[43:48] The Spawn LA Live show

[43:51] is going to be our sort of

[43:53] day one flophouse bonus content,

[43:57] but also we're planning on doing a series,

[44:00] a sort of, you know,

[44:02] we're going to explore a filmography,

[44:04] a sort of a blech check,

[44:06] if you will,

[44:07] of Graydon Clark.

[44:09] We're going to talk about joysticks.

[44:11] We're going to talk about

[44:12] The Forbidden Dance.

[44:14] Something from later

[44:15] in his filmography,

[44:17] probably.

[44:18] It's going to be a whole series,

[44:21] not as full of filmography,

[44:22] but we're going to do three movies

[44:24] of a man who is known for some dreck.

[44:27] It's going to be a lot of fun.

[44:29] Probably Stuart is going to do

[44:31] some role-playing game stuff,

[44:34] some more flop tales.

[44:37] I can't commit to that for him,

[44:39] but he's been talking about it.

[44:41] So I think that this year

[44:42] there's going to be a lot of extra

[44:44] Flophouse bonus content

[44:46] on the MaxFun feed.

[44:49] So just be prepared for that.

[44:51] I hope that you will consider

[44:53] becoming a member of the network.

[44:58] But we're going to head back.

[45:00] Unless, Ellie,

[45:01] do you have anything before

[45:02] we move back into the show proper?

Elliott Kalan

[45:05] I have one thing I wanted to mention.

[45:06] I mean, yes,

[45:07] I should mention my series,

[45:08] Hercules from Dynamite Comics,

[45:09] is coming out in April.

[45:10] And yes,

[45:11] that I'm doing another podcast,

[45:12] the 99% Invisible Breakdown,

[45:14] The Power Broker,

[45:14] with Roman Mars

[45:15] in the 99% Invisible main feed.

[45:17] It's an amazing podcast series,

[45:19] if I do say so myself,

[45:20] about a really amazing book,

[45:22] The Power Broker.

[45:22] But I also want to mention

[45:23] that a very good friend of mine,

[45:25] a former NYU classmate

[45:26] and still current friend,

[45:27] Sasha Kenton,

[45:28] is crowdfunding her original

[45:29] television pilot script

[45:30] to produce it as a short.

[45:32] I would love to drum up

[45:33] some support for her.

[45:34] It's called I Meow Back,

[45:36] and this is the description

[45:37] she has written for me.

[45:38] The pilot,

[45:39] I Meow Back,

[45:39] written by Sasha Kenton,

[45:40] follows Zip,

[45:41] a teen girl,

[45:42] as she returns to high school

[45:43] after becoming disabled.

[45:44] Now she redefines her relationship

[45:45] with her former best friend.

[45:46] Will they fight?

[45:47] Or will they find their way

[45:48] to becoming dot, dot, dot,

[45:49] something more,

[45:50] a question mark?

[45:51] With the onset of the COVID epidemic,

[45:52] disabled people now make up

[45:53] 20% of the population.

[45:55] There's a built-in audience

[45:56] ready to see positive representation

[45:57] on TV,

[45:58] and this pilot was a semifinalist

[46:00] in a few different festivals,

[46:02] and she's trying to raise

[46:03] not a large amount of money.

[46:05] She's trying to raise $4,000

[46:06] as her goal.

[46:07] As I'm recording this,

[46:08] she's about 25% of the way there.

[46:10] So if you're interested

[46:10] in supporting a very talented,

[46:12] independent voice in media

[46:13] from an underserved community,

[46:15] someone who deserves a chance

[46:17] to get their material out there,

[46:19] please do my friend a favor

[46:20] and do me a favor.

[46:21] Go to imeowbackfilm.com.

[46:25] That's the letter I,

[46:26] like in the word I,

[46:27] like myself.

[46:28] I meow,

[46:29] like a cow says.

[46:30] I meow like a cat says.

[46:32] Cows don't say meow.

[46:33] They say moo.

[46:35] imeowbackfilm.com.

[46:36] And please support her,

[46:38] if you will.

[46:39] That would be great.

[46:39] I mean,

[46:40] save some money

[46:41] for the MaxFunDrive,

[46:42] but see if you can help her out.

Stuart Wellington

[46:43] Okay, so what do we do next

[46:45] on this podcast?

[46:46] Well, now we are free

Dan McCoy

[46:47] from the prison of this table.

[46:49] Stand up.

Elliott Kalan

[46:49] We did it.

[46:50] What?

[46:51] We've got legs.

[46:52] The curse has been broken.

[46:53] I can dance again.

[46:56] I'm not going to,

Dan McCoy

[46:57] but I could.

[46:58] If people have questions to ask,

[47:02] I think there will be

[47:03] a microphone that will appear

[47:05] as if by magic.

[47:06] There it is.

[47:06] Right there.

[47:07] It's like the movie

Elliott Kalan

[47:08] There Will Be Blood

[47:08] if it was a microphone

[47:09] instead of blood.

Stuart Wellington

[47:11] It's like the movie Magic

[47:12] if it was a microphone

[47:13] instead of a,

[47:14] what,

[47:14] a killer dummy?

Elliott Kalan

[47:15] If there was any magic

[47:16] in that movie.

[47:17] I think I might have talked

[47:18] about this on the podcast before.

[47:20] I heard a rumor once

[47:21] that the movie Magic,

[47:22] instead of starring

[47:23] Anthony Hopkins,

[47:23] was originally supposed

[47:24] to star Gene Wilder.

[47:25] Thousand times better movie.

[47:27] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[47:28] Agreed.

[47:29] Anyway.

[47:30] So what are we going

[47:30] to do about it?

[47:31] Go back in time?

Elliott Kalan

[47:32] Let's go back in time

[47:33] and make that happen.

Dan McCoy

[47:34] Got to go back in time.

[47:35] Okay.

[47:37] First question.

[47:38] Please.

[47:39] Approach the microphone.

S8

[47:42] I'm standing in front of the table.

[47:43] Recently I watched the movie

[47:44] Chameleon Street.

[47:45] Great movie.

[47:46] About 30 some years.

[47:46] Yeah.

[47:47] And immediately I wanted

[47:48] everybody to see this thing

[47:49] that it seems like

[47:50] nobody had ever seen.

[47:51] What's the last thing

[47:52] in the year,

[47:53] last year or two

[47:54] that you saw

[47:54] that was like,

[47:55] this is the thing,

[47:56] nobody's seen it,

[47:57] I want everybody to see it.

Dan McCoy

[47:59] Hmm.

[48:00] That's a question.

[48:01] I will,

[48:02] I don't know about

[48:04] everybody seeing it.

[48:05] I don't know whether

[48:06] this is on an episode

[48:07] that just came out

[48:08] or it hasn't come out yet,

[48:09] but I recently saw

[48:10] this movie,

[48:12] Dr. Calgary,

[48:13] which...

[48:14] Not The Cabin

[48:15] of Dr. Calgary.

[48:15] No.

[48:16] It's from...

[48:17] Don't let him fool you.

[48:18] It's from,

[48:18] this one is from

[48:19] the early 80s.

[48:20] It is from the director

[48:21] of Cafe Flesh,

[48:23] the cult pornographic film.

[48:26] You've eaten there.

[48:28] And it feels like

[48:29] if, you know,

[48:31] like an underground art troupe

[48:34] had the set designer

[48:37] for Pee-wee's Playhouse

[48:39] and made a semi-erotic,

[48:42] semi-just weird remake

[48:44] of The Cabinet of Dr. Calgary.

[48:47] It's interesting.

[48:48] I mean, I don't,

[48:49] like again,

[48:50] not for everyone,

[48:51] but I'm saying...

[48:53] Take your children too.

[48:54] Dr. Calgary,

Elliott Kalan

[48:55] says Dan McCoy.

[48:56] Don't.

Stuart Wellington

[48:57] I feel like the last time

[48:58] I saw a movie

[48:59] that I was like,

[49:00] wow,

[49:00] how come more people

[49:01] haven't seen it was like

[49:02] Butcher Baker Nightmare Maker?

[49:04] Have you ever seen that one?

[49:06] I hear about it.

[49:07] It's a solid old slasher.

[49:08] It's, you know,

[49:09] it's gross,

[49:09] it's weird,

[49:10] but it's pretty cool.

[49:12] Okay.

[49:13] Thumbs up.

[49:13] Bring the kids.

Elliott Kalan

[49:16] I think it's two movies

[49:17] that I've recommended

[49:17] on the podcast before.

[49:18] There's a Brazilian movie

[49:19] called Property

[49:20] that I don't know

[49:21] when it's coming out,

[49:22] but I got to see it

[49:23] and it's a really,

[49:24] really good thriller

[49:25] with a social edge to it.

[49:28] But also,

[49:29] there's a little

[49:30] Czech New Wave movie.

[49:31] God damn it.

[49:32] It's called

[49:33] Larks on a String.

[49:34] It's directed by

[49:34] Yuri Menzel

[49:35] who made

[49:35] Closely Watch Trains

[49:36] and it's beautiful.

[49:37] It's just a,

[49:38] I found it to be

[49:39] such a moving experience

[49:40] to watch it as a movie

[49:41] and then I guess

[49:42] I watched

[49:42] some dumb thing

[49:43] for this podcast

[49:44] and it erased that movie

[49:46] from my mind

[49:46] for a while.

[49:47] Thank you.

[49:48] Thank you.

[49:49] Thank you.

[49:50] Thank you.

[49:51] Hello.

Stuart Wellington

[49:52] Hey, thanks.

[49:53] Name's Rob.

[49:54] First time,

[49:55] first time.

[49:56] And my question is

[49:59] if, let's say,

[50:00] some madman

[50:01] was making a

[50:02] Flophouse-themed

[50:03] Street Fighter 2

[50:03] knockoff,

[50:04] which repeating bit

[50:06] would you include

[50:07] in the game

[50:08] and what character

[50:09] would they rip off?

[50:12] Oh.

[50:14] Oh.

[50:15] Oh.

[50:15] Yeah,

[50:16] somebody's

[50:16] dicks

[50:18] going to have

[50:18] to get ripped off.

[50:22] Feels like a layup

Elliott Kalan

[50:23] for me.

[50:25] Which Street Fighter

[50:26] character sings

[50:27] for a long time?

[50:29] Blanca?

[50:30] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[50:31] Kind of.

[50:34] Like,

[50:34] there's a character

[50:35] named Dan

[50:35] that's a bit of a joke

[50:36] in the Street Fighter series.

[50:38] What?

[50:40] This is the first

[50:41] you're hearing of this?

[50:42] He's got a ponytail.

[50:45] Have you ever

[50:45] had a ponytail?

Dan McCoy

[50:47] I've never

[50:47] had a ponytail.

[50:48] Yeah,

[50:49] we gotta change that.

[50:50] Yeah,

[50:50] that does have to change.

[50:50] Maybe for the game.

[50:52] Okay.

[50:53] Yep.

[50:53] Go ahead and get one.

Elliott Kalan

[50:55] Extensions.

[50:56] Anybody?

[50:56] The next morning,

[50:57] he shows up in our rooms,

[50:58] wakes us up,

[50:59] and he's cut off

[50:59] a ponytail.

[51:01] No, Dan, no.

[51:03] This is what you wanted,

[51:04] right?

[51:04] No.

[51:07] What have we done?

Stuart Wellington

[51:09] Did we answer

[51:10] the question?

[51:10] Yeah,

[51:11] it is probably right.

Dan McCoy

[51:11] Well enough.

[51:12] Yeah.

[51:13] Yes, that's fine.

[51:14] Thank you so much.

[51:15] Thank you.

[51:16] Approval.

S7

[51:17] Thank you so much

[51:18] for recommending Bratz.

Elliott Kalan

[51:21] Yes.

[51:23] Not a sentence

[51:23] I hear a lot.

Stuart Wellington

[51:25] Thanks to you,

[51:26] my wife,

[51:26] and I have enjoyed

[51:27] Bratz and Cats

[51:28] and that weird one

[51:29] with the teacher.

[51:31] Anyway,

S7

[51:32] in terms of your

Dan McCoy

[51:33] like Mount Rushmore

[51:34] of movies you've seen

[51:36] and then just watched a bunch,

[51:37] at some point,

[51:37] Dan said,

[51:38] I think Bratz

[51:39] is the movie

[51:39] I've seen the most.

[51:41] Is there one

[51:42] that's on the top

[51:43] right now

[51:44] of sort of,

[51:45] oh,

[51:45] this movie

[51:46] in the style of Bratz?

Elliott Kalan

[51:48] You mean like a movie

[51:49] we,

[51:49] like a good movie

[51:51] or?

Dan McCoy

[51:51] Like a bad movie

[51:52] that we've seen.

[51:53] A movie you were exposed to

S7

[51:54] through the podcast

[51:55] that's now transcended.

[51:57] Oh.

Dan McCoy

[51:57] I mean,

[51:58] yeah,

[51:58] like,

[51:59] Bratz and Cats

[52:00] have to be close to the top.

[52:01] Yeah,

[52:01] they're on there.

[52:03] Bratz and Cats.

[52:04] Oh,

Stuart Wellington

[52:04] what a crossover

[52:05] that would be.

Elliott Kalan

[52:05] Bratz and Cats.

[52:06] There's,

[52:07] um,

[52:07] Double F,

[52:08] Faithful Findings,

[52:09] got me on there,

[52:09] yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[52:09] We're actually,

[52:10] Dan and I are about

[52:11] to host a movie

[52:12] that we,

[52:13] we're about to do

[52:14] a hosted screening

[52:15] in Brooklyn

[52:16] of a movie called

[52:17] Don't Tell Her It's Me

[52:18] starring Steve Guttenberg.

[52:20] I love it.

[52:20] You may know it

[52:21] as The Boyfriend School.

[52:22] You could know it

[52:23] as that

[52:23] and,

[52:24] uh,

[52:24] yeah,

[52:24] I just love it so much.

[52:26] Steve Guttenberg,

[52:26] of course,

[52:27] plays a man

[52:29] playing Lobo Morunga,

[52:30] a New Zealand biker.

[52:31] It's a romance novel.

Dan McCoy

[52:33] He really glossed over it.

[52:34] Steve Guttenberg plays

[52:35] a man playing Lobo Morunga,

[52:37] as we all know.

Elliott Kalan

[52:38] As if Lobo Morunga's

[52:39] a famous character.

Dan McCoy

[52:40] There's,

[52:40] it's great.

[52:42] I love it.

[52:42] He is a,

[52:43] he is a sickly cartoonist

[52:44] who his sister,

[52:45] Shelly Long,

[52:46] creates a New Zealand

[52:48] heartthrob character

[52:49] for him.

[52:49] I thought that was

Elliott Kalan

[52:50] all implied by what I said.

[52:51] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[52:52] You know what?

[52:53] It was perfect

[52:54] the first time.

[52:54] I'm sorry.

[52:55] When he first appears

Elliott Kalan

[52:55] on screen,

[52:56] he looks like he has

[52:57] been made up for a test

[52:58] audition for a Ziggy movie.

Stuart Wellington

[53:01] Yeah,

[53:02] thumbs up.

[53:02] It's a great movie.

[53:04] Yeah,

[53:04] check it out,

[53:05] I guess.

[53:05] Check it out.

Dan McCoy

[53:06] Go to your local library.

Stuart Wellington

[53:10] Don't take our work for it.

[53:13] Hey,

[53:14] how's it going?

[53:14] Hello.

[53:15] Hey.

S5

[53:15] So,

[53:16] one of the most prominent

[53:17] features of Cool as Ice

[53:19] is Vanilla Ice's jacket,

[53:21] which,

[53:22] in addition to saying

[53:23] down by law,

[53:24] also has the words

[53:25] deep,

[53:27] danger,

[53:28] lust,

[53:29] and yeah,

[53:31] which is also

[53:33] a line of dialogue

[53:34] that happens

[53:34] and then it shows

[53:35] the word yeah

[53:36] on his jacket.

[53:36] So,

[53:37] my question to you

[53:38] for each of you.

[53:38] I just want to interrupt.

Stuart Wellington

[53:39] It looked like you had

[53:40] the jacket up.

[53:41] What's the price tag

[53:42] on that bad boy?

[53:43] I got you.

[53:44] I got you.

[53:45] I think there's some

[53:46] numbers on it too.

[53:47] There's a lot of stuff

[53:48] on that jacket.

S5

[53:50] $169.

[53:51] Whoa.

Elliott Kalan

[53:51] Can you put a price on that?

[53:52] Nice.

[53:53] Okay.

[53:53] All right.

[53:54] Wait,

[53:54] that's actually,

[53:55] that's fair.

[53:56] Yeah,

[53:56] that's not bad.

[53:57] That's not bad at all.

[53:57] Not bad.

S5

[53:58] That was back when

[53:59] text was king.

[54:00] Yeah.

[54:02] So,

[54:03] my question to you is

[54:04] if each of you

[54:05] had your own

[54:06] leather jacket

[54:07] with words that are

[54:08] important to you

[54:09] and your personality,

[54:10] what would the words

[54:11] on that jacket be?

[54:12] Yeah.

[54:12] Elliot's would have

Dan McCoy

[54:13] a fucking lot of words.

[54:15] A lot of words.

[54:16] A lot of words.

[54:19] Sigh.

[54:20] Look.

[54:21] This is,

[54:21] here's the thing.

[54:23] Butts.

[54:24] Butts.

[54:25] Yeah,

[54:25] you used to say butts,

[54:26] but on the sleeve.

[54:27] There's a lot of butts.

[54:27] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[54:29] Uh,

[54:30] I mean like,

[54:31] ding dong,

[54:32] I guess.

Dan McCoy

[54:34] This is,

[54:34] this is,

[54:36] this is a sad

[54:37] exercise

[54:38] in reducing

[54:39] our lives

[54:40] into a series

Elliott Kalan

[54:41] of dumb catchphrases.

[54:43] Uh oh,

[54:44] rah,

[54:45] rah,

[54:45] rah.

[54:45] Rah,

[54:46] yeah.

[54:46] Yeah.

[54:46] I'm a bad

[54:47] little boy.

[54:47] Bad little boy.

[54:48] Yeah.

[54:48] Bad little boy.

[54:49] Yeah.

[54:50] These are,

[54:51] oh man.

[54:51] Yeah,

[54:51] mine would probably have,

[54:52] maybe the whole,

[54:53] my fucking tombstone

[54:54] right there.

[54:55] Maybe on the back

[54:56] the whole passage

[54:57] from Hitchhiker's Guide

[54:58] about the whale

[54:58] falling down.

Dan McCoy

[55:03] That's what I have,

[55:03] yeah.

[55:04] Nice.

[55:04] Yeah.

[55:05] Thank you.

[55:06] That's a good question.

[55:07] Thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[55:07] Oh,

[55:08] and on,

[55:08] and on the,

[55:09] and on the sleeve,

[55:10] on the sleeve,

[55:11] mine would say

[55:11] Deinonychus.

[55:14] Greatest of dinosaurs.

[55:15] Is that,

[55:15] yeah,

[55:15] that's your favorite dinosaur?

[55:16] Of course it is.

[55:17] Wait,

[55:18] it's the single greatest dinosaur.

[55:20] Of course it is.

[55:20] Of course,

[55:20] name a better dinosaur.

[55:21] You can't.

[55:22] I,

[55:22] I like that.

[55:23] You're right.

Dan McCoy

[55:24] Me,

[55:24] a person who doesn't

[55:25] really know a lot

[55:26] about dinosaurs

[55:26] cannot name it.

[55:27] You don't know a lot

Elliott Kalan

[55:28] about dinosaurs.

[55:30] You know who you share

[55:31] that with?

[55:31] My children,

[55:32] who have no interest

[55:33] in dinosaurs.

[55:35] Hey,

[55:35] let's be think.

[55:35] The youth of today.

[55:36] They love to go

[55:37] to the Natural History

[55:37] Museum in LA.

[55:38] I go,

[55:38] can we go to the section

[55:39] that's basically

[55:39] the bones of

[55:40] real life dragons?

[55:41] And they go,

[55:42] no thank you.

Stuart Wellington

[55:43] They're like,

[55:43] oh wait,

[55:44] there's,

[55:44] hey daddy,

[55:45] there's a garbage

[55:45] truck outside.

[55:46] Can we look at it?

[55:47] Oh.

Elliott Kalan

[55:49] Now it's even worse.

[55:50] My older son is like,

[55:51] hey daddy,

[55:51] can I just sit and watch

[55:52] football on TV

[55:53] and I'm like,

[55:54] what happened?

[55:56] What genetic mutation

[55:57] caused this?

Stuart Wellington

[56:00] You want to see

[56:00] the original football players?

[56:02] The ankylosaurus

[56:03] had a helmet.

Elliott Kalan

[56:05] You know,

[56:06] that football helmet

[56:07] looks a lot like

[56:08] a pachycephalosaurus skull.

[56:09] Let's go down

[56:10] to the museum.

[56:11] That's what I should do.

[56:12] Thank you, Stu.

[56:13] Let me tell you

[56:14] about the original

[56:15] football player.

[56:17] Jesus.

Dan McCoy

[56:21] That would be

[56:22] a hard left turn

[56:22] for you to take.

[56:23] I have to say.

Elliott Kalan

[56:24] That would surprise them.

[56:27] Knowing my stance

[56:28] on God,

[56:29] that would really,

[56:31] that would surprise

[56:31] my turn.

[56:31] That particular form.

[56:33] Yes, yeah, yeah.

[56:34] Anyway, pardon me.

[56:36] Sorry.

[56:37] All right.

Dan McCoy

[56:38] Take your time.

[56:39] Yeah.

[56:42] You okay?

[56:44] I think I'm good.

[56:45] Okay.

[56:45] Hi.

S6

[56:46] Hello.

[56:47] Hello.

[56:47] Hi.

[56:48] Emily,

[56:48] last name withheld.

[56:50] So,

[56:51] Elliot,

[56:51] you actually mentioned

[56:52] at the beginning

[56:53] of the show how...

[56:54] I don't even remember

Elliott Kalan

[56:55] a thing I said.

[56:57] No, no,

[56:57] she's going to recap it

[56:58] for you.

[56:58] Yeah, no,

S6

[56:58] it's a good,

[56:59] it's a good recap.

[56:59] Don't worry.

[57:00] Okay, okay, okay.

[57:01] Just like the podcast.

[57:02] That was...

[57:03] You mentioned how

[57:06] Cool as Ice

[57:07] is incredibly similar

[57:09] to True Stories,

[57:11] and I was actually

[57:13] going to work that

[57:14] into my question

[57:15] originally.

[57:15] Great minds.

[57:17] I was surprised.

[57:18] I watched them

[57:19] as like a double feature

[57:20] like a couple weeks ago.

[57:23] You said,

Elliott Kalan

[57:23] I want to see two movies,

[57:24] the only movies

[57:25] made by two musical geniuses.

[57:29] Equal in every way.

S6

[57:31] So,

[57:32] like,

[57:32] the funny thing is,

[57:33] like,

[57:34] movie madness,

[57:35] the local movie rental place.

[57:38] Woo!

[57:39] Local.

[57:41] Some genius there

[57:42] must have placed

[57:43] Cool as Ice

[57:45] right next to

[57:46] True Stories,

[57:47] and my partner was like,

[57:49] oh,

[57:50] let's pick these up.

Elliott Kalan

[57:52] You are so lucky

[57:52] Deuce Bigelow

[57:53] was not sitting next

[57:54] to either of those.

S6

[57:54] I was so lucky

[57:56] for that one.

[57:57] Yeah.

[57:58] Otherwise,

[57:59] completely different night.

[58:00] Yes.

[58:01] So,

[58:01] after watching that,

[58:02] I was like,

[58:03] these are the same movie.

[58:06] This is just

[58:07] the same movie.

[58:09] So,

[58:10] my question,

[58:11] is,

[58:12] if you were to

[58:14] pick a

[58:15] genuinely good movie

[58:17] on, like,

[58:18] artistic merits

[58:19] that you think is,

[58:20] this is just

[58:20] bottom line,

[58:22] world class

[58:23] kind of movie,

[58:24] and then

[58:25] a Flophouse movie

[58:27] that you think

[58:27] is just

[58:28] plot wise

[58:29] or shot direction

[58:31] the exact same thing,

[58:33] what would it be?

Elliott Kalan

[58:35] Oh,

[58:35] what a great question.

[58:37] This is a sort of

[58:38] brilliant question.

[58:39] I'm going to go,

[58:40] I'm going to,

[58:40] I'm going to cheat

[58:41] like crazy.

[58:42] I'm going to say

[58:43] Seven Samurai

[58:44] and Rebel Blood Moon

[58:46] team of space heroes

[58:49] or whatever.

[58:50] That's cheating.

[58:51] Cheating.

[58:52] That's cheating.

[58:54] I already forgot most

[58:55] of the title.

Dan McCoy

[58:57] I already forgot

[58:58] most of the movies

[58:59] we've covered

[59:00] on the title.

[59:00] That's the real issue.

[59:02] It's like a protection

[59:03] that my brain does.

Stuart Wellington

[59:04] Yeah.

[59:04] So if,

[59:05] like I like a,

[59:06] kind of like a team

[59:07] forming type thing.

[59:09] Uh-huh.

[59:10] So I'm going to do

[59:11] Rebel Moon

[59:13] and a genuinely

[59:16] great movie.

[59:18] Let's see,

[59:18] Now You See Me

[59:19] two.

[59:21] Oh,

[59:21] the second one.

Dan McCoy

[59:24] Flophouse

[59:25] Flophouse

[59:26] movies

[59:28] what

[59:31] are

[59:32] Oh,

[59:35] the Flophouse

[59:36] is a comedy podcast

[59:37] about films

[59:37] that floppy

[59:38] they're commercial

[59:38] and critical.

[59:38] Dan,

Dan McCoy

[59:38] Dan,

[59:39] that,

Elliott Kalan

[59:39] just scroll down,

[59:40] scroll down.

Dan McCoy

[59:41] Further down.

Elliott Kalan

[59:42] Or swipe left,

[59:43] I don't know how

[59:43] the internet works.

Dan McCoy

[59:43] List of movies,

[59:44] the Flophouse wiki,

[59:45] here we go.

[59:47] Sure,

[59:48] that one.

[59:49] Hallie Haglund,

[59:50] Crimson,

[59:52] everything.

[59:53] Elliot Kalen Feet.

[59:56] Okay.

[59:57] Yeah,

[59:57] I'm going to say

[59:58] Rebel Moon.

[1:00:01] I'm so sorry.

[1:00:03] This is a good question,

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:04] but I don't,

[1:00:04] I cannot.

[1:00:05] That's a good question.

[1:00:05] I want you to write us in

[1:00:06] that question

[1:00:07] so we can answer it

[1:00:07] and have to take you

[1:00:08] some time to think about it.

[1:00:09] Please promise us.

[1:00:10] That's a great question.

[1:00:11] Yeah.

[1:00:14] You stumped the floppers.

[1:00:19] They said it couldn't be done.

S7

[1:00:21] Hi,

[1:00:22] my name is Jemmy,

[1:00:23] last name withheld.

[1:00:23] I do not work

[1:00:24] for the Hollywood Theater.

[1:00:28] So,

[1:00:29] every time I try to explain

[1:00:30] the Flophouse to someone,

[1:00:31] I invariably end up going on,

[1:00:34] you know,

[1:00:35] taking time to talk about

[1:00:37] Donald Rumsfeld.

[1:00:39] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:40] All right.

[1:00:40] Most importantly,

[1:00:41] Not the way I thought

[1:00:42] that sentence was going to end.

[1:00:43] Makes sense.

[1:00:44] I'm in the top 15 or 20 guesses.

S7

[1:00:48] Well,

[1:00:48] he famously did that

[1:00:49] like sort of type five

[1:00:50] on knowledge theory

[1:00:51] about the like known unknowns.

[1:00:53] Exactly.

[1:00:54] So,

S7

[1:00:54] known unknown things

[1:00:55] you know you know

[1:00:56] and known unknown

[1:00:57] things you know you don't know

[1:00:59] and unknown unknowns

[1:01:00] things you don't know

[1:01:01] you don't know

[1:01:02] and which is,

[1:01:03] even to discuss

[1:01:04] is just sort of paranoia,

[1:01:06] right?

[1:01:06] But he totally ignores

[1:01:08] unknown knowns

[1:01:09] which is things you know

[1:01:11] but you don't know

[1:01:11] you know them,

[1:01:13] right?

[1:01:13] Which,

[1:01:13] if anything,

[1:01:14] is like our biases

[1:01:16] and preconceptions.

[1:01:17] Yeah,

[1:01:17] yeah,

[1:01:17] assumptions.

[1:01:18] Yeah,

[1:01:18] yeah.

[1:01:18] And he leaves those

[1:01:19] completely unanalyzed

[1:01:20] which I think is telling

[1:01:21] about Donald Rumsfeld.

[1:01:22] Yeah,

[1:01:22] very much so.

[1:01:23] Right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:27] Where,

[1:01:27] where is the,

[1:01:28] yes,

[1:01:29] okay,

[1:01:30] so,

[1:01:30] we should explain,

[1:01:31] I apologize,

[1:01:32] it's been an in-joke

[1:01:32] for me and Stuart

[1:01:33] all through the tour so far.

[1:01:35] The moment in that

[1:01:36] one episode of The Sopranos

[1:01:37] where the guy gets,

[1:01:38] his head gets run over by a car

[1:01:39] and another guy throws up

[1:01:40] seeing it.

[1:01:42] So we're just routinely

[1:01:43] pretending to throw up

[1:01:44] every now and then.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:45] I just love the one guy

[1:01:47] who walks up

[1:01:47] and he's like,

[1:01:48] oh shit.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:50] The vertigo induced

[1:01:51] by the question,

[1:01:52] I guess,

[1:01:52] is too much.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:54] Okay,

[1:01:54] but I think I,

[1:01:55] I think I almost understand.

[1:01:56] Yeah,

S7

[1:01:56] so the,

[1:01:58] I feel like the Flophouse

[1:01:59] has a,

[1:01:59] a similar problem,

[1:02:01] sort of a missing part

[1:02:02] of the sort of

[1:02:02] Punnett Square of movies.

[1:02:04] Right.

[1:02:04] Where you talk about

[1:02:05] the bad,

[1:02:06] bad movie,

[1:02:06] the good,

[1:02:08] but then you just

[1:02:08] cut the entire half

[1:02:10] into movies you kind of like

[1:02:11] instead of good,

[1:02:12] good movies

[1:02:12] and bad,

[1:02:13] good movies.

[1:02:14] Oh.

[1:02:15] Yeah,

[1:02:16] bad,

[1:02:16] good movies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:16] Like bad movies you like,

[1:02:17] almost.

[1:02:17] Well,

S7

[1:02:18] well,

[1:02:18] no.

[1:02:18] Or a good,

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:19] a movie,

[1:02:20] well,

[1:02:20] I don't know what you're talking about.

[1:02:21] Well,

[1:02:21] that's the question.

[1:02:22] You're going to have to explain it.

[1:02:24] I thought I had it,

[1:02:24] but.

[1:02:25] So the way,

[1:02:26] the way I think about it.

[1:02:26] It's like when you have a plastic bag

[1:02:28] and it won't open up

[1:02:28] and you're like doing this

[1:02:29] with the top

[1:02:30] and you think you've opened it,

[1:02:31] but you didn't.

[1:02:32] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:32] If I rub it long enough,

[1:02:33] certainly.

[1:02:34] No, no, no,

[1:02:34] you got to lick your fingers.

[1:02:35] You lick your fingers,

[1:02:36] right?

[1:02:36] Yeah, yeah.

[1:02:37] You lick your fingers?

[1:02:38] No, why would you do that?

Dan McCoy

[1:02:40] You monster.

[1:02:41] No.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:42] I'm in a store.

[1:02:43] It's clean, right?

S7

[1:02:44] No.

[1:02:47] So a good,

[1:02:47] bad movie

[1:02:48] and a bad,

[1:02:49] they're both bad movies

[1:02:51] and usually because they're made

[1:02:53] in like an incompetent way.

[1:02:54] Yes.

[1:02:55] and then the good and bad

[1:02:56] is basically you're subjected

[1:02:57] to other than what you...

[1:02:58] Oh, you mean like a well-made bad movie?

[1:02:58] So a good,

[1:03:00] so a good,

[1:03:00] good movie obviously

[1:03:01] is a well-made movie

[1:03:02] that you enjoyed

[1:03:03] and a bad,

[1:03:04] good movie would be

[1:03:04] a well-made competent film

[1:03:07] that's just not any good.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:08] Yeah.

[1:03:08] So what,

[1:03:09] like Babylon, Dan?

[1:03:10] You son of a bitch.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:15] Elliot paid him

[1:03:16] to come up

[1:03:16] and do this bit.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:18] No,

[1:03:19] no,

Dan McCoy

[1:03:19] no,

[1:03:19] I,

[1:03:19] you know,

[1:03:19] I,

[1:03:20] like,

[1:03:20] I,

[1:03:21] yeah,

[1:03:21] oddly enough,

[1:03:24] this has come up before.

[1:03:26] I think people have mentioned this.

[1:03:28] I,

[1:03:29] I don't know if I believe in this.

[1:03:30] I mean,

[1:03:31] like,

[1:03:31] what to me,

[1:03:32] this is like,

[1:03:33] maybe Oscar bait movies,

[1:03:36] like movies where it's just like,

[1:03:37] this is competently made,

[1:03:40] handsomely mounted,

[1:03:42] it is not doing anything interesting.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:44] Yes.

[1:03:44] Or,

[1:03:45] or,

[1:03:45] or that it,

[1:03:46] for whatever reason,

[1:03:47] those things don't gel.

[1:03:48] They don't get an emotion,

[1:03:50] the right emotion.

[1:03:50] But to me,

Dan McCoy

[1:03:51] that's a bad movie.

[1:03:53] That's,

[1:03:53] that's,

[1:03:53] that's the thing,

[1:03:54] that's,

[1:03:55] that's the extra leap

[1:03:56] that my brain makes

[1:03:57] when I'm like,

[1:03:57] I reject this category.

[1:03:59] Ah,

[1:04:00] interesting.

[1:04:01] What do you think?

[1:04:03] I've said my piece.

[1:04:05] Now I force you to say something.

[1:04:06] I mean,

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:07] I think I'm pretty clear

[1:04:08] that I don't like Babylon.

[1:04:11] Well,

[1:04:12] you don't like joy.

[1:04:13] At the same time,

[1:04:14] at the same time,

[1:04:15] everyone who's,

[1:04:16] everyone with the exception

[1:04:17] of a few people making decisions

[1:04:19] about what's in the movie

[1:04:20] is doing good work,

[1:04:21] I guess.

[1:04:22] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:23] Stuart?

[1:04:24] Oh,

[1:04:24] sorry,

[1:04:25] I was just thinking about

[1:04:25] the recent rankings

[1:04:26] of the Warhammer tournament

[1:04:27] in Las Vegas.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:29] But I think,

[1:04:30] but I,

[1:04:30] I think that's an interesting point,

[1:04:32] Dan,

[1:04:32] that to,

[1:04:32] to subdivide bad in that way

[1:04:34] maybe is artificial,

[1:04:36] but I think it's fun.

[1:04:39] Yeah.

[1:04:40] Thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:43] Dan,

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:46] there's plenty of movies

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:47] I like that you probably

[1:04:47] don't like.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:48] I mean,

[1:04:48] it's just that

[1:04:49] Cities of Sigmar list

[1:04:50] that got second place

[1:04:51] had like five steam tanks

[1:04:53] in it.

[1:04:54] Like,

[1:04:54] what the fuck?

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:56] I hope your question

[1:04:57] is about Warhammer.

[1:04:58] We got to get Stuart out of this.

[1:05:00] Yeah,

[1:05:00] list those rankings.

[1:05:01] Deep in a W hole.

S6

[1:05:04] If only.

[1:05:07] So,

[1:05:08] in my house,

[1:05:09] like,

[1:05:09] relatively recently,

[1:05:10] we were having a,

[1:05:11] like a series of,

[1:05:12] um,

[1:05:13] unfortunate events.

[1:05:14] Unfortunate events.

[1:05:16] We were having a series

[1:05:16] of,

[1:05:17] uh,

[1:05:17] argument discussions

[1:05:18] about,

[1:05:19] about,

[1:05:21] um,

[1:05:22] uh,

[1:05:22] Cliphanger endings

[1:05:23] and how come

[1:05:24] some of them.

[1:05:25] John Lithgow dies in that,

[1:05:26] right?

[1:05:26] Yeah.

[1:05:28] Settled.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:30] Settled.

[1:05:30] No,

[1:05:30] no,

[1:05:31] it's endings

[1:05:31] because just like Clue,

[1:05:32] there were three endings

[1:05:33] to Cliphanger.

[1:05:34] Um,

S6

[1:05:36] and how come

[1:05:36] some of them feel

[1:05:37] so satisfying

[1:05:38] and like,

[1:05:38] anticipatory

[1:05:39] and then other times

[1:05:40] they just fall flat

[1:05:41] and like,

[1:05:42] end up being kind of

[1:05:43] disappointing?

[1:05:43] And we were having

[1:05:44] trouble pinpointing,

[1:05:45] like,

[1:05:45] what's the line there?

[1:05:47] So,

[1:05:47] my question to you is

[1:05:48] what do you look for

[1:05:49] in a really successful

[1:05:50] Cliphanger

[1:05:50] versus what makes it feel

[1:05:52] just really unsatisfying?

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:54] I think when it comes to,

[1:05:56] it's a Cliphanger ending

[1:05:57] especially,

[1:05:57] but endings in general,

[1:05:59] what makes an ending work

[1:05:59] is not necessarily

[1:06:01] what's in the ending,

[1:06:02] but what leads up to that ending.

[1:06:03] Like,

[1:06:03] like an ending

[1:06:04] to a movie to me

[1:06:04] is like a joke

[1:06:05] where the punchline

[1:06:06] doesn't work

[1:06:07] if the setup doesn't work.

[1:06:08] Like,

[1:06:08] you need,

[1:06:08] the setup needs

[1:06:09] to give you everything

[1:06:09] you need for the punchline

[1:06:10] and there's a lot of movies

[1:06:11] where the Cliphanger ending

[1:06:12] is more of a like,

[1:06:13] didn't see this coming

[1:06:14] and it's like,

[1:06:15] you're right,

[1:06:15] I didn't see that coming

[1:06:16] because you didn't set it up right.

[1:06:19] Like this.

S6

[1:06:20] You wanted an ending

[1:06:20] to this scene,

[1:06:21] huh?

[1:06:21] Well,

[1:06:21] sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:22] Or like,

[1:06:23] there's a,

[1:06:24] one of John Sayles'

[1:06:25] kind of lesser movies

[1:06:26] is this movie called Limbo

[1:06:27] where there's this

[1:06:29] mother and daughter

[1:06:30] and this guy

[1:06:31] and they're trapped somewhere

[1:06:32] and they blah,

[1:06:34] blah,

[1:06:34] blah.

[1:06:34] But like,

[1:06:34] the important thing

[1:06:35] is their personal dynamic

[1:06:37] and whether they're going

[1:06:38] to be able to figure out

[1:06:38] how to work together

[1:06:39] and get along

[1:06:39] and essentially become

[1:06:40] a family unit.

[1:06:41] And a plane is coming

[1:06:43] and they don't know

[1:06:43] if it is the people

[1:06:44] who are coming to kill them

[1:06:45] or the people

[1:06:46] who are coming to rescue them.

[1:06:47] And the movie ends

[1:06:47] before the plane gets there.

[1:06:49] And I remember seeing it

[1:06:49] and being like,

[1:06:50] and I remember seeing it

[1:06:51] with someone

[1:06:51] and they were like,

[1:06:51] what?

[1:06:52] And I was like,

[1:06:53] it doesn't matter.

[1:06:54] The point of the story

[1:06:54] was their relationship.

[1:06:56] It's in the fucking title,

[1:06:57] dude.

[1:06:58] Or like The Cutting Edge,

[1:07:00] for instance,

[1:07:01] where at the end,

[1:07:03] spoiler alert,

[1:07:03] you don't know

[1:07:03] if they won that competition.

[1:07:04] It doesn't matter.

[1:07:05] It's about whether

[1:07:06] they came together

[1:07:06] as a team.

[1:07:07] So like,

[1:07:07] those work for me,

[1:07:09] but there are times

[1:07:09] when the cliffhanger

[1:07:10] is more like,

[1:07:11] there's other times

[1:07:11] where it's like,

[1:07:12] setting you up for the sequel,

[1:07:14] which we're not making.

[1:07:15] I'm so sorry.

[1:07:16] You're never going to find out

[1:07:18] why Peach needed Mario Luigi

[1:07:19] to come back

[1:07:20] at the end of the old

[1:07:20] Mario Brothers.

[1:07:21] I think I made a similar

Dan McCoy

[1:07:22] statement on a recent episode

[1:07:25] where it's like,

[1:07:26] if it's an emotionally

[1:07:27] satisfying arc,

[1:07:29] if the characters

[1:07:30] have reached

[1:07:31] some sort of conclusion,

[1:07:32] and then there's

[1:07:33] a plot cliffhanger,

[1:07:34] that's good.

[1:07:35] If it just seems like

[1:07:36] it was like,

[1:07:37] well,

[1:07:37] I don't know,

[1:07:38] we ran out of film somehow,

[1:07:40] even though this wasn't

[1:07:41] shot in sequence,

[1:07:42] that's a bad way

[1:07:43] of doing a cliffhanger.

[1:07:43] It's like the ending

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:44] of the Tim Burton

[1:07:45] play of the apes

[1:07:45] where they were like,

[1:07:46] this is going to really

[1:07:46] blow some minds.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:48] What?

[1:07:49] I was like,

[1:07:49] what?

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:50] Hold on.

[1:07:51] Ape Lincoln?

Dan McCoy

[1:07:53] I guess that sounds

[1:07:55] like ape.

[1:07:57] It does.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:58] I like it when it's like,

[1:08:00] you find out the guest,

[1:08:01] he's been a bad guy

[1:08:02] the whole time,

[1:08:03] and you think he's dead,

[1:08:04] but he comes back,

[1:08:05] and you're like,

[1:08:05] oh wow,

[1:08:06] the guest's still there,

[1:08:06] and Mike Monroe's like,

[1:08:07] what the fuck?

[1:08:08] And that's the end

[1:08:09] of the movie,

[1:08:10] it's thumbs up.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:12] So Stuart approves

[1:08:13] of any cliffhanger ending

[1:08:13] that is the guest.

[1:08:16] Can't argue with that.

[1:08:18] Thank you so much.

[1:08:19] We hope that was helpful.

[1:08:21] We're settling arguments tonight.

[1:08:25] Evening, Peaches.

[1:08:26] Hey, hello.

[1:08:26] Good evening.

S8

[1:08:27] That is Chris,

[1:08:27] last name withheld.

[1:08:28] For us long-time listeners

[1:08:30] of the podcast,

[1:08:31] you guys have been going

[1:08:32] for over a decade now,

[1:08:33] so congratulations to that.

[1:08:34] Oh, thank you.

[1:08:35] Thanks.

[1:08:37] I know.

[1:08:38] Yes, we are quite old.

[1:08:41] Now, as real people,

[1:08:42] we get to see you grow

[1:08:44] and have this kind of

[1:08:45] parasocial relationship

[1:08:46] with you folks.

[1:08:47] Okay.

[1:08:47] Like, author,

[1:08:48] beefcake,

[1:08:50] Dan's happy now.

[1:08:51] We're all happy about that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:53] Yeah, actually,

[1:08:54] yeah, that's good.

[1:08:55] I mean,

[1:08:56] harsh.

[1:08:57] Do a fucking spin, cutie.

[1:08:58] Here's a personal triumph.

[1:09:01] Yeah.

[1:09:05] So,

S8

[1:09:06] unlike real people,

[1:09:07] characters don't really grow

[1:09:09] in the same ways

[1:09:09] through the decades.

[1:09:11] So,

[1:09:11] what's a character

[1:09:12] that you've kind of

[1:09:14] engaged with

[1:09:15] throughout your life

[1:09:15] that has changed

[1:09:17] to become

[1:09:17] either better

[1:09:18] or worse

[1:09:19] as the

[1:09:21] interpretations

[1:09:22] went on?

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:22] Ooh.

[1:09:24] Dan, you can do

[1:09:25] Sherlock Holmes.

[1:09:25] It's fine.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:26] Well, you know what?

[1:09:27] No, it's interesting

[1:09:28] because, like,

[1:09:28] that was the first,

[1:09:29] like, the first thing

[1:09:29] that came to mind

[1:09:30] was, like,

[1:09:31] Sherlock Holmes,

[1:09:32] but, like,

[1:09:32] a derivative of,

[1:09:34] like,

[1:09:35] the TV show House

[1:09:36] was a wonderful show

[1:09:38] for a few seasons

[1:09:40] and the problem

[1:09:42] with it was...

[1:09:43] He's a man,

[1:09:44] not a house?

[1:09:45] Yeah.

[1:09:46] I'm like,

[1:09:46] this is fucking

[1:09:47] bullshit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:48] I was,

[1:09:49] because...

[1:09:49] When is he gonna

Dan McCoy

[1:09:50] turn into a house?

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:51] You hear the name

[1:09:52] and you're like,

[1:09:52] how'd a house

[1:09:53] get a medical degree?

Dan McCoy

[1:09:55] No, the requirements

[1:09:56] of that type of show,

[1:09:57] they're like,

[1:09:58] uh, you know what?

[1:09:59] We're gonna pretend

[1:10:00] like there's gonna be

[1:10:01] character growth,

[1:10:02] but there's not.

[1:10:03] And...

[1:10:03] Welcome to television, Dan.

[1:10:06] Which is what,

[1:10:06] like, you know,

[1:10:07] I would have loved that show

[1:10:08] if it was, like,

[1:10:09] five seasons.

[1:10:10] It's like,

[1:10:10] you know what?

[1:10:11] By the end of the season,

[1:10:12] this show,

[1:10:13] maybe he's not gonna be

[1:10:14] a great guy,

[1:10:14] but there's going to be

[1:10:16] some growth.

[1:10:18] Yeah.

[1:10:18] And, uh,

[1:10:19] I don't know,

[1:10:20] like, I haven't read

[1:10:21] a lot of the later

[1:10:22] Sherlock Holmes stories

[1:10:23] because they get weird people.

[1:10:25] Like,

[1:10:25] he's like looking,

[1:10:26] he's trying to find

[1:10:27] some vampires,

[1:10:28] maybe,

[1:10:29] like something that

[1:10:29] could be a vampire.

[1:10:30] It's not really,

[1:10:30] you know,

[1:10:31] anyway,

[1:10:31] he gets...

[1:10:32] the one,

[1:10:33] didn't Alan Moore

[1:10:34] write one

[1:10:34] where he's having sex

[1:10:35] with Dorothy from Oz

[1:10:36] or something?

[1:10:36] That makes sense.

[1:10:38] I don't know.

[1:10:39] I just, you know,

[1:10:40] I like to think that,

[1:10:41] you know,

[1:10:41] he found some peace

[1:10:43] towards the end

[1:10:44] of his life.

[1:10:45] You know,

[1:10:45] he learned how to

[1:10:46] integrate the emotions

[1:10:48] and the intellect.

[1:10:50] Oh, okay.

[1:10:52] Alan Moore?

[1:10:53] Yeah.

[1:10:54] I like to think

[1:10:55] that Alan Moore

[1:10:56] gets some peace.

[1:10:57] I hope Alan Moore does.

[1:10:58] He started combing his beard.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:00] Yeah.

[1:11:01] Took off a ring.

[1:11:05] I'm going to say,

[1:11:06] so there's a couple,

[1:11:07] there's a couple of characters

[1:11:08] I've spent my life with

[1:11:09] at this point.

[1:11:09] One of them is Spider-Man.

[1:11:11] Had his ups and downs,

[1:11:12] but he's not the,

[1:11:13] he is,

[1:11:14] he is essentially

[1:11:15] perfect from the get-go.

[1:11:17] And you could read him

[1:11:19] that first kind of like

[1:11:20] 40 some odd issues

[1:11:21] of that book or whatever.

[1:11:22] You can read as

[1:11:23] him growing up

[1:11:24] and maturing

[1:11:25] and everything since then

[1:11:25] is just cycle,

[1:11:26] cycle, cycle, cycle.

[1:11:27] So instead,

[1:11:28] I'm going to say

[1:11:28] Wolverine,

[1:11:30] who,

[1:11:30] when I started reading comics,

[1:11:32] was still a berserker

[1:11:33] and I've seen him

[1:11:34] grow and mature

[1:11:35] to become

[1:11:36] an elder statesman

[1:11:37] in a way that feels

[1:11:38] very organic and real

[1:11:39] to that character

[1:11:39] where he's still fighting

[1:11:41] the darkness within,

[1:11:42] but he's no longer

[1:11:43] the guy who like

[1:11:44] just kills

[1:11:45] and Storm is like,

[1:11:46] well, Logan,

[1:11:47] how could you do

[1:11:47] such a thing?

[1:11:48] Instead,

[1:11:49] he's like,

[1:11:49] oh, I guess I got to

[1:11:50] take care of these kids now,

[1:11:52] you know.

[1:11:53] Do it more Canadians.

[1:11:54] That is pretty adorable.

[1:11:55] I got to take care

[1:11:56] of these kids, eh?

[1:11:58] You know,

[1:11:58] I'm the best there is

[1:11:59] at what I do,

[1:12:00] what I do,

[1:12:00] and very nice.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:02] Well,

[1:12:03] shotgun this Molson

[1:12:04] by,

[1:12:04] snicked.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:06] Yeah,

[1:12:06] snicked, eh?

[1:12:07] Yeah,

[1:12:07] snicked, eh?

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:14] I mean,

[1:12:15] I can't follow that.

[1:12:16] I mean,

[1:12:16] yeah,

[1:12:16] sure.

[1:12:17] I can talk about,

[1:12:18] like,

[1:12:18] this D&D character

[1:12:19] I played for a really long time.

[1:12:21] You grew up with him?

[1:12:22] He grew in a lot

[1:12:23] of really cool ways

[1:12:24] and got levels

[1:12:25] and stuff.

[1:12:25] Nah,

[1:12:25] it's fine.

[1:12:27] Aw,

Dan McCoy

[1:12:28] look at how bashful he is.

[1:12:29] No,

[1:12:29] it's fine,

[1:12:30] it's cool,

[1:12:31] don't worry,

[1:12:31] it's just C&G.

[1:12:34] Thanks very much.

[1:12:35] I don't think

[1:12:36] we're in any danger of it,

[1:12:38] but I'm going to ask

[1:12:38] that no one join the line

[1:12:39] so we can allow everyone

[1:12:41] out in time to pee.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:42] If you're on the line,

[1:12:43] your question will be answered.

[1:12:45] If you're not on the line,

[1:12:46] take it to your grave.

[1:12:47] Amanda,

S9

[1:12:51] I might have

[1:12:51] mildly misunderstood

[1:12:53] the prompt

[1:12:53] because both of my observations

[1:12:55] are about the movie.

[1:12:56] Sure.

[1:12:56] That's fine,

[1:12:57] that's fine.

[1:12:57] Please,

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:58] please bring us back

[1:12:59] to some sort of structure.

[1:13:00] You were surprised

[1:13:01] this person asked things

[1:13:02] that were completely

[1:13:03] unrelated to the show?

S9

[1:13:04] Not surprised,

[1:13:06] but just,

[1:13:06] am I still welcome

[1:13:08] and obviously,

[1:13:09] yes.

[1:13:09] Okay.

[1:13:10] There'll be an exit interview.

[1:13:11] We'll talk to you

[1:13:12] about your expectations.

[1:13:13] So the first one

[1:13:14] is very short.

[1:13:15] No one said

[1:13:16] her name was Kat.

[1:13:17] No one asked her

[1:13:18] to be called Kat,

[1:13:20] but he starts calling her Kat

[1:13:21] and expects her

[1:13:22] to respond to it,

[1:13:23] which is red flag number one

[1:13:25] if you ask me.

[1:13:26] You're saying he may not

Dan McCoy

[1:13:28] be a good boyfriend.

[1:13:28] That's not her name.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:32] That's true.

[1:13:34] Totally correct.

[1:13:34] But it's like he's murdering

[1:13:35] her identity

[1:13:36] by calling her Kat.

[1:13:36] Yeah, it's like,

S9

[1:13:37] no, no, no, no.

[1:13:37] I chose her

[1:13:38] and this is her new name.

[1:13:41] Number two,

[1:13:42] does anyone here

[1:13:43] take care of fish?

[1:13:46] Because that fucking fishbowl,

[1:13:47] freshwater fish,

[1:13:49] saltwater fish,

[1:13:50] they're all dead.

[1:13:51] They,

[1:13:51] no filter.

[1:13:52] No filter at all.

[1:13:53] Every fish in that bowl,

[1:13:54] because you did briefly mention

[1:13:56] the fishbowl,

[1:13:57] because of the ring,

[1:13:57] la la la.

[1:13:58] They,

[1:13:58] they broke to that fishbowl.

[1:14:00] So many shots

[1:14:01] of that fucking fishbowl.

[1:14:02] I guess that's technically

[1:14:03] a question.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:06] Stuart,

[1:14:07] we're solving

[1:14:07] a decades old crime

[1:14:09] against these fish.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:11] She didn't technically

[1:14:12] ask if anyone

[1:14:13] had a fish.

[1:14:15] I think we've cracked

[1:14:16] the cold case

[1:14:17] of those dead fish.

[1:14:19] They were killed

[1:14:19] by the cast and crew

[1:14:20] of Cool as Ice.

[1:14:22] No, that does,

[1:14:22] I mean,

[1:14:22] that does suck.

[1:14:24] I mean,

[1:14:25] you're not wrong.

[1:14:26] As someone,

[1:14:26] as someone who recently

[1:14:27] had to bury a crayfish,

[1:14:29] it's sad news,

[1:14:30] everybody.

[1:14:30] The crayfish I mentioned

[1:14:31] on the,

[1:14:32] I mentioned earlier

[1:14:32] on the podcast

[1:14:33] died a natural death,

[1:14:34] is now buried

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:35] in our yard

[1:14:36] with a tombstone.

[1:14:37] Then you climbed

[1:14:37] onto that grave

[1:14:38] and fucked

[1:14:39] the shit out of it.

[1:14:40] Oh, come on.

[1:14:41] Salt burn, salt burn.

[1:14:44] Salt burn.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:48] Dan was hiding,

[1:14:49] Stuart was hiding

[1:14:49] behind Dan.

[1:14:50] I'm just saying that.

[1:14:51] Don't even.

[1:14:51] But no,

[1:14:52] yeah,

[1:14:52] it takes a lot of work

[1:14:53] to keep an aquatic

[1:14:53] creature alive.

[1:14:54] Yeah, so, yeah.

[1:14:56] Please.

[1:14:57] If anyone has

[1:14:57] a gill man at home.

S6

[1:15:00] Hello,

[1:15:01] Savage,

[1:15:02] first name is Feld.

[1:15:03] I work in

[1:15:04] industrial embroidery

[1:15:05] and that's when

[1:15:05] I listen to your podcast.

[1:15:07] So I,

[1:15:08] I'm around a lot of hats

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:10] and this,

[1:15:11] keep talking.

S6

[1:15:14] And this movie

[1:15:14] has a lot of hats in it.

[1:15:16] Yeah.

[1:15:16] And that's all

[1:15:17] I want to talk about.

[1:15:18] Yep, yep.

[1:15:20] Can I get your guys'

[1:15:21] opinions on

[1:15:22] good messages

[1:15:23] to put on hats

[1:15:24] and wear?

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:25] Good messages?

[1:15:26] Good messages

[1:15:27] to put on a hat.

[1:15:29] By where,

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:30] where on the hat

[1:15:31] or where?

[1:15:33] On the head on the hat.

[1:15:34] Okay.

[1:15:34] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:35] Not where to wear the hat.

[1:15:36] Okay.

[1:15:37] That makes more sense.

[1:15:38] Like positive messages

[1:15:39] for the youth?

[1:15:41] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:42] Yes.

[1:15:43] I mean,

[1:15:44] if you,

Dan McCoy

[1:15:45] I would like to put

[1:15:46] like a message on

[1:15:47] like pork pie hats

[1:15:49] and trilbies.

[1:15:50] It was like,

[1:15:51] if you are a man

[1:15:52] below the age of 60,

[1:15:54] don't wear me,

[1:15:55] please.

[1:15:56] That's a lot of message.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:57] That's a lot of message.

[1:15:57] That is true.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:58] But it will save

[1:15:59] so many lives.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:00] It's a conversation

[1:16:01] starter, I guess.

[1:16:02] I guess so.

[1:16:04] I think,

[1:16:04] there's a lot of negativity

[1:16:06] in the world,

[1:16:06] so I think I just want

[1:16:07] a cap that says

[1:16:08] good work that I can wear.

[1:16:09] Just people look at it,

[1:16:10] they know I support them.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:11] So you just want to be,

[1:16:12] what's his face,

[1:16:13] from 30 Rock?

[1:16:15] Judah Freelander?

[1:16:15] Yeah, sure, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:16] No, but his hats would be

[1:16:18] like number one champ.

[1:16:19] I want to tell other people

[1:16:20] they're doing great.

S6

[1:16:21] I would love to shout out

[1:16:22] my brother,

[1:16:23] who is six feet tall,

[1:16:24] and he made me make him

[1:16:25] a hat that says

[1:16:26] big man.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:27] Oh, that's good.

[1:16:27] Love it.

[1:16:28] It's pretty cool.

[1:16:29] I think you can pull it off.

[1:16:30] Alternately,

[1:16:31] on days when I'm feeling

[1:16:32] a little sassy,

[1:16:33] the hat has nothing

[1:16:34] on the front,

[1:16:34] but on the back it says

[1:16:35] my eyes are up front.

[1:16:42] That'll teach them.

S6

[1:16:43] Thank you guys so much.

[1:16:44] Yeah.

[1:16:48] Hey, guys.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:49] Hello.

[1:16:50] So we know from

[1:16:52] watching Cool's Ice

[1:16:53] that the people

[1:16:55] that funded Cool's Ice

[1:16:56] We know this.

[1:16:57] We know this

[1:16:58] because we watched it.

[1:16:59] Because we watched it.

[1:17:00] But we know that they said

[1:17:03] script,

[1:17:04] competent editing.

[1:17:06] They're like,

[1:17:06] no, we got Cool,

[1:17:07] we got Penalty Ice.

[1:17:08] We got the Iceman.

[1:17:10] We don't need any of that stuff.

[1:17:11] Well, not the Iceman,

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:12] Bobby Drake,

[1:17:12] but you know.

[1:17:13] Right, yeah.

[1:17:13] Iceman from Top Gun?

[1:17:14] Well, not that Iceman.

[1:17:15] It's just...

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:16] So these type of vanity projects,

[1:17:18] I think we used to see

[1:17:20] more in the past

[1:17:20] but I was kind of wondering,

[1:17:22] is there a pop culture

[1:17:24] figure today

[1:17:26] that would be

[1:17:28] oblivious enough

[1:17:29] to make Cool as Ice?

[1:17:32] Pitbull?

[1:17:34] Yeah, that's actually...

[1:17:35] Yeah, I think you got it in one.

[1:17:37] Mr. fucking Worldwide.

[1:17:39] Aces.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:40] Oh, yeah.

[1:17:42] Now, what would the Mr. Worldwide

Dan McCoy

[1:17:43] movie be, though?

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:46] I mean, I assume

[1:17:46] he's saving an orphanage

[1:17:47] somewhere.

[1:17:48] There's probably a girl

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:50] in a motorcycle,

[1:17:51] you know, involved.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:52] I mean, to be honest,

[1:17:53] you just put him

[1:17:53] in front of a green screen

[1:17:54] and insert him

[1:17:55] into Cool as Ice.

[1:17:56] It's the same movie.

[1:17:59] I mean...

[1:18:01] Wear sunglasses the whole time.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:05] I do like timber, though.

[1:18:07] I gotta say, you know,

[1:18:08] you add Kesha to the mix.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:09] Look, you can be a joke

[1:18:11] and make a catchy song, you know?

[1:18:12] Yeah.

[1:18:13] And you can be a joke

[1:18:14] and be a true artist.

[1:18:15] Just ask Marcel Duchamp,

[1:18:17] artistic prankster.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:19] Thank you so much

[1:18:20] for baffling us.

[1:18:24] Yes.

S8

[1:18:25] I want to first thank you

[1:18:27] for mentioning David Lynch

[1:18:28] because I could only watch

[1:18:29] this movie and think about

[1:18:30] how Vinyl Ice

[1:18:31] was some sort of deranged

[1:18:32] Dale Cooper in Twin Peaks.

[1:18:34] Yeah.

[1:18:35] But my question is,

[1:18:36] for me,

[1:18:37] the crossover event

[1:18:38] of the century

[1:18:39] as a Jeopardy fan

[1:18:40] was when Elliot Kalin

[1:18:41] was on Jeopardy

[1:18:42] the last couple of years.

[1:18:44] So I want to ask you...

[1:18:44] Yes, I got second place.

[1:18:46] I wanted to ask you guys

[1:18:47] if you guys were competing

[1:18:49] the three of you

[1:18:49] on Jeopardy,

[1:18:50] what would be your dream

[1:18:51] categories in order

[1:18:52] to defeat each other?

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:53] I'd probably say

[1:18:54] check new wave movies.

[1:18:56] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:57] Hold on.

[1:18:58] Wait.

[1:18:59] Wouldn't that be wild?

[1:19:01] Hold on.

[1:19:03] It's a buzzer game, Elliot.

[1:19:05] That's why I came

[1:19:06] in second place.

[1:19:07] It's a buzzer game, yeah.

[1:19:08] Yeah, I guess I'd say

[1:19:09] Warhammer.

[1:19:10] Yeah, that's, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:12] Good fucking luck.

[1:19:14] What?

[1:19:17] Yeah, what next?

[1:19:18] Joe's Bizarre Adventure

Dan McCoy

[1:19:19] characters?

[1:19:20] You're dead, dude.

[1:19:22] I think mine would just

[1:19:23] be like unexpected

[1:19:24] filmographies because

[1:19:26] no matter what movie

[1:19:27] it is, I'm like,

[1:19:28] well, gotta look at

[1:19:30] IMDb and be like,

[1:19:32] oh, I'm mildly

[1:19:33] interested in the fact

[1:19:34] that the same person

[1:19:35] did these two things.

[1:19:37] Like, it's weird.

[1:19:38] Like, I work,

[1:19:39] or I did at least,

[1:19:40] but I hope to again.

[1:19:42] I work in the

[1:19:44] entertainment industry.

[1:19:46] The idea that

[1:19:47] this is kind of

[1:19:47] entertainment.

[1:19:47] This is somewhat.

[1:19:48] This is informational.

[1:19:50] The idea that one

[1:19:50] person would do

[1:19:52] two different types

[1:19:53] of things shouldn't

[1:19:55] amaze me because

[1:19:55] I'm like,

[1:19:56] that's how money

[1:19:57] is made.

[1:19:58] But, like,

[1:19:59] I'm still, like,

[1:19:59] fascinated, like,

[1:20:00] oh, oh,

[1:20:01] Ted Kacheff,

[1:20:01] he made

[1:20:02] Wake and Fright.

[1:20:03] He also made

[1:20:04] Weekend at Bernie's.

[1:20:05] That's, wow.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:06] A double threat.

[1:20:07] They're not that

[1:20:08] different.

[1:20:08] I mean, you'd also

[1:20:09] do really well with a

[1:20:10] category called, like,

[1:20:11] porn pree,

[1:20:11] or porn portables,

[1:20:12] I'm sorry, sir.

[1:20:18] Yeah, that's...

[1:20:19] Yeah, Dan's like,

[1:20:20] uh, Misty Monday movies?

[1:20:23] Or porn pree.

[1:20:23] Perfect.

[1:20:24] Great.

[1:20:25] All right, next question.

[1:20:26] Let's try to do these

[1:20:27] quick, unfortunately.

[1:20:28] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:20:29] We're running late,

[1:20:30] and everyone needs

[1:20:31] their sleep.

[1:20:32] Come on.

S5

[1:20:33] Okay, quick question.

[1:20:35] If you could recommend

[1:20:36] a superhero for

[1:20:37] Portland, Oregon,

[1:20:38] what would it be?

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:40] Ooh.

[1:20:42] Wait, are we creating

[1:20:43] a new one,

[1:20:43] whole cloth,

[1:20:44] or are we recommending

[1:20:45] an existing superhero?

S5

[1:20:47] I was gonna say

[1:20:48] whichever one you want,

[1:20:49] but I wanted to be brief

[1:20:49] because Elliot said

[1:20:50] to be brief.

[1:20:51] Uh-huh.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:53] A stern taskmaster.

[1:20:55] Turn it back on him.

[1:20:56] I love it.

[1:20:58] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:59] If it's a pre-existing hero,

[1:21:02] there's a Marvel character

[1:21:02] named D-Man.

[1:21:04] He is a former

[1:21:04] professional wrestler.

[1:21:05] He thinks he is

[1:21:06] Captain America's

[1:21:07] best friend.

[1:21:09] And Captain America

[1:21:10] tolerates him.

[1:21:12] He's a very sweet man.

[1:21:13] I think he'd make

[1:21:14] a great hero for Portland.

[1:21:16] It's a smaller scale city.

[1:21:18] He's a smaller scale hero.

[1:21:21] The D stands for demolition,

[1:21:23] but it could stand

[1:21:24] for something Portland-related

[1:21:26] that starts with D.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:28] Not to play too much

[1:21:29] into my persona,

[1:21:30] but I am aware

[1:21:30] that Portland has

[1:21:32] a very high concentration

[1:21:34] of strip clubs

[1:21:35] per capita.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:37] And yet,

[1:21:38] yeah,

[1:21:38] and yet,

[1:21:39] when I said

[1:21:39] you do well

[1:21:39] in the porn-free category,

[1:21:41] you took offense.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:43] Only because

[1:21:44] it suggests

[1:21:46] that I'm the only person

[1:21:47] on stage

[1:21:48] who might

[1:21:49] have sexual interests.

[1:21:50] Anyway,

[1:21:51] I know that there's,

[1:21:55] like,

[1:21:55] a lot of strip clubs,

[1:21:57] more hipstery strip clubs,

[1:21:58] things like

[1:21:59] strip karaoke.

[1:22:00] I would have,

[1:22:03] like,

[1:22:03] sort of a Banshee-style

[1:22:05] superhero

[1:22:06] who, like,

[1:22:07] who sings,

[1:22:08] who has the power

[1:22:09] of singing,

[1:22:10] but only

[1:22:10] while stripping.

[1:22:12] Interesting.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:15] I don't know.

[1:22:16] Portland's a pretty cool city.

[1:22:17] You're going to need

[1:22:18] a cool superhero.

[1:22:19] I'm going to say,

[1:22:19] what,

[1:22:20] Grifter,

[1:22:20] that guy with two guns

[1:22:21] and a mask?

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:22] Yeah,

[1:22:22] the Grifter of the Wildcats,

[1:22:24] sure, yeah.

[1:22:24] The mask that just flaps

[1:22:27] unattached

[1:22:28] to the bottom of his face.

[1:22:29] Kind of looks like a beard.

[1:22:30] weird.

[1:22:31] Yeah.

[1:22:33] Enjoy Portland's

[1:22:34] new super team

[1:22:35] of D-Man,

[1:22:36] Grifter,

[1:22:36] and the stripping

[1:22:37] songstress.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:42] They, them.

[1:22:43] So,

[1:22:44] the 2013

[1:22:45] The Big Wedding

[1:22:46] and the French language

[1:22:48] original 2006,

[1:22:50] have any of you

[1:22:51] seen both or either?

[1:22:52] If not,

[1:22:52] I have a backup question.

[1:22:55] What?

[1:22:56] The Big Wedding?

[1:22:57] I haven't seen it.

S8

[1:22:58] 2006 is The Big Wedding.

[1:23:00] No.

[1:23:00] Sorry,

[1:23:00] 2013's The Big Wedding.

[1:23:01] 2006 is

[1:23:02] Montclair,

[1:23:03] Saint-Marie.

[1:23:04] No,

[1:23:04] I haven't seen them.

[1:23:05] Okay,

[1:23:05] backup question.

[1:23:05] Question B,

[1:23:06] please.

[1:23:07] Most,

[1:23:07] most Portland movie

[1:23:09] not shot in Portland,

[1:23:11] most not Portland movie

[1:23:12] shot in Portland.

[1:23:13] Did I say that right?

[1:23:14] Most Portland movie

[1:23:15] not shot in Portland,

[1:23:17] most not Portland movie

[1:23:18] shot in Portland.

[1:23:19] or the other.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:20] Okay.

[1:23:21] What is,

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:21] I just want to apologize

[1:23:23] that the last couple

[1:23:24] questions have assumed

[1:23:25] a lot of knowledge

[1:23:25] about Portland on my part.

[1:23:28] I've been here a couple

[1:23:29] times.

[1:23:29] It's a great city.

[1:23:30] I really like being here.

[1:23:31] What do I know?

[1:23:32] I don't like know it super about.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:33] What do I know about Portland?

[1:23:35] There's...

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:36] City of Roses.

[1:23:38] Name of the Rose?

[1:23:39] Is that...

[1:23:39] Wait,

[1:23:40] wait,

[1:23:40] wait.

[1:23:40] Are there any medieval

[1:23:41] monasteries in Portland?

[1:23:42] There's...

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:44] Wait,

[1:23:44] is Pig in Portland

[1:23:46] or is that Seattle?

[1:23:47] Ah,

[1:23:48] there you go,

[1:23:48] yeah.

[1:23:49] I did it.

[1:23:50] Yeah,

[1:23:50] yeah,

[1:23:51] yeah,

[1:23:52] yeah,

[1:23:52] yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:55] I'm so glad you thought

[1:23:56] I'm like,

[1:23:57] escape from Newport.

[1:23:59] Is that it?

Dan McCoy

[1:24:02] Yes,

[1:24:02] yes,

[1:24:03] sir.

[1:24:03] You have the last,

[1:24:03] the last one.

[1:24:04] You get to close us out.

[1:24:06] No pressure.

[1:24:06] Okay,

[1:24:06] so you meet a cinephile genie.

S8

[1:24:09] I love it.

[1:24:10] But you do...

[1:24:11] I do.

[1:24:12] Finally.

[1:24:12] You can't do World Peace

[1:24:14] or any of that lame stuff.

[1:24:15] You can get one movie made

[1:24:17] with any,

[1:24:19] no restrictions,

[1:24:20] no budget cast.

[1:24:21] What,

[1:24:21] what do you wish for?

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:24] Any movie.

[1:24:24] Oh,

[1:24:24] wow.

[1:24:25] Okay,

[1:24:26] I don't know.

[1:24:27] Guillermo del Toro's

[1:24:28] At the Mountains of Madness.

[1:24:29] Boom,

[1:24:29] I'm done.

[1:24:30] I'm out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:31] Wow,

[1:24:31] wow,

[1:24:32] wow,

[1:24:32] wow.

[1:24:32] You did it.

[1:24:34] Hmm,

[1:24:35] hmm.

[1:24:35] Does it have to be a movie

[1:24:36] that was gonna,

[1:24:36] well,

[1:24:37] there's no,

[1:24:37] he's gone.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:39] We'll never know.

[1:24:39] It's like Kaiser Soze.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:41] I mean,

[1:24:41] the selfish thing would be like

[1:24:42] a movie that I,

[1:24:43] I wanna make,

[1:24:44] but.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:45] Yeah,

[1:24:45] yeah,

[1:24:45] I have a great screenplay.

[1:24:47] If anyone is interested.

[1:24:48] Yeah,

[1:24:49] I've got one too.

[1:24:49] I'm partway through.

[1:24:51] It's about this guy named Dan

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:52] and everybody thinks he's cool

[1:24:54] and funny.

[1:24:54] He's kinda cool,

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:55] but like.

[1:24:55] He's super cool

[1:24:56] and his lame-o friends

[1:24:57] are always making fun of him.

[1:24:59] But then he has to save them

[1:25:01] from an international drug cartel.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:03] They're crying the whole time.

[1:25:06] I mean,

[1:25:07] honestly,

[1:25:07] the problem with this

[1:25:07] is like,

[1:25:08] I'm trying to think of like,

[1:25:09] books or whatever.

[1:25:10] Like,

[1:25:10] I don't want to adapt them though

[1:25:12] because like,

[1:25:12] like anything that I truly love,

[1:25:14] I'm like,

[1:25:15] well,

[1:25:15] it exists in the form

[1:25:16] that I love it in already.

[1:25:18] I don't need to see it

[1:25:20] as a movie.

[1:25:21] I have already enjoyed it.

[1:25:23] That being said,

[1:25:25] hmm,

[1:25:26] let's see.

[1:25:26] I have,

[1:25:28] wait,

[1:25:28] The Hunger Games?

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:30] Yeah,

[1:25:30] do The Hunger Games.

[1:25:31] Have they done The Hunger Games?

[1:25:32] Yeah,

[1:25:32] they've done that?

[1:25:33] Is that a movie yet?

[1:25:34] Is that a thing that?

[1:25:34] There have been

[1:25:35] not great versions of this.

[1:25:37] I'd love to see a great adaptation

[1:25:38] of The Man Who Was Thursday

[1:25:39] by G.K. Chesterton,

[1:25:40] which is,

[1:25:41] it is a hundred-year-old book

[1:25:42] that is,

[1:25:43] half the book is chase sequence.

[1:25:45] And every time they think

[1:25:46] they've caught the bad guy,

[1:25:47] the bad guy's like,

[1:25:48] I'm not the bad guy,

[1:25:49] you've got to keep going.

[1:25:50] So,

[1:25:51] it's a super fun book.

[1:25:51] You know what?

Dan McCoy

[1:25:52] I would,

[1:25:52] you know,

[1:25:53] I would write a

[1:25:54] Uncle Scrooge adventure.

[1:25:59] Like a true

[1:26:00] globetrotting,

[1:26:01] like in the mode

[1:26:02] of the 10-10 movie

[1:26:04] that Spielberg made.

[1:26:06] That would be a lot of fun.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:07] Live action,

[1:26:08] voiced by Chris Pratt.

[1:26:09] No.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:11] Wait,

[1:26:12] it's live action,

[1:26:13] but it's voiced by Chris Pratt?

[1:26:15] Yeah,

[1:26:15] and his body is by Chris Pratt.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:18] You just put a duck bill

[1:26:19] on Chris Pratt.

[1:26:20] Yeah,

[1:26:20] that's what we're doing.

[1:26:20] I guess technically

[1:26:22] every Chris Pratt role

[1:26:23] is voiced by Chris Pratt.

[1:26:25] Can't argue with that.

[1:26:26] Hey,

[1:26:27] everyone,

Dan McCoy

[1:26:28] thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:33] You're a great audience.

[1:26:34] Thank you for being here.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:37] Thank you for being so kind to us.

[1:26:39] And patient.

[1:26:40] We will try to be out there

[1:26:42] for a while by the merch.

[1:26:44] We have to fly very early,

[1:26:46] so who knows how long a while is,

[1:26:47] but thank you so much

[1:26:48] for being here.

[1:26:49] For the Flophouse,

[1:26:50] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:26:54] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:57] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:26:59] Good night, everybody.

[1:27:01] Thank you, Portland.

[1:27:01] Thank you to the Aladdin Theater.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:14] Wait, wait, wait.

[1:27:15] Don't let Elliot get a microphone.

[1:27:17] Oh, God.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:18] Too late.

[1:27:19] Too late.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:19] He's all jacked up on sugar.

[1:27:22] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:23] I had half a soda

[1:27:25] and I'm ready to do this show.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:27] Hello.

[1:27:28] Wow, this is nice.

[1:27:30] I was standing backstage

[1:27:32] thinking how objectively strange this is

[1:27:35] that people care to come see us

[1:27:39] do this thing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:40] No, no, no.

[1:27:40] You've got to have a position of strength.

[1:27:42] Oh, okay, yeah.

[1:27:44] You're going to love it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:49] Oh, what a great crowd tonight.

[1:27:52] Thank you for coming.

[1:27:53] Dan, this crowd is so hot tonight.

[1:27:57] I don't think we have to do a show.

[1:27:58] They can just cheer for two straight hours.

Ep. #418 - Cool as Ice, LIVE

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