Bride Hard

Stuart Wellington

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Bride Hard.

[0:03] The movie that inspired Bruce Willis' Die Hard.

[0:30] Hey, everyone. Welcome to The Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Dan McCoy

[0:36] Hey, I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:38] Hello, I'm Elliot Kalin. And we did it.

[0:41] We have successfully said all of our names without anything going wrong.

[0:44] No bits. No bobs.

[0:45] Go home.

[0:46] Yep, no bobbles. Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[0:48] This is, in case you're wondering, you found yourself listening to this in a panic.

[0:54] Steer back. Dan, steer back.

[0:55] Steer back. You're turning into a bit.

[0:57] What is happening?

[0:57] Just do what you need to do.

[0:58] Dear Lord, I'm here to guide you.

[1:01] It's joke free January, Dan. Let's come on.

[1:04] No, that would be terrible for our show.

[1:06] I'm here to guide you. This is a podcast.

[1:08] It is about movies that were critical or commercial flops.

[1:12] Does this one count as one of those?

[1:14] You'll find out. The answer is yes.

[1:16] And we discuss it. We provide our take.

[1:20] But mostly we just hang out.

[1:21] And that's the show, The Flophouse.

[1:23] Okay, see you later.

[1:25] PG.

[1:26] PG?

[1:27] Hardly.

[1:27] We swear a lot.

[1:28] Whoa.

[1:29] We do swear a lot.

[1:30] This is like an 80s PG.

[1:31] Standards have slipped quite a bit, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32] Yeah.

[1:33] It's like a 70s PG.

[1:34] I was going to say.

[1:35] Or at any moment, something hardcore might slip in at the last moment.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37] Standards have slipped, but they've like completely changed.

[1:40] Like people are so prudish these days.

[1:42] I can't even say, talk about my horny adventures anymore.

[1:45] No.

[1:46] Well, certainly your Disney afternoon show, Stuart's Horny Adventures, was canceled pretty quickly.

Elliott Kalan

[1:51] Which was a spinoff of Discovery Quest.

[1:54] Discovery Quest, yeah.

[1:55] That's a joke for anyone who was here before the episode started.

[1:58] Yeah.

[1:59] You guys.

[2:00] He was spying on us.

Stuart Wellington

[2:02] So let's get into this.

[2:04] Tonight, we are talking about a little movie called Brideheart.

[2:08] A very little movie.

[2:09] Yeah.

[2:09] A very tiny movie.

[2:11] Yeah.

[2:11] It was directed by Simon West, one of Dan's favorite action movie directors.

[2:16] This is straight to Hulu.

[2:17] Well, you know, he did make Con Air.

[2:19] Straight to who?

[2:19] Lou.

Dan McCoy

[2:20] My uncle Lou.

[2:21] Yeah.

[2:22] I am very fond of Con Air.

[2:23] It's not good in the traditional sense.

Elliott Kalan

[2:26] Only because you thought it was a movie based on the hairdryer brand of the same name.

[2:31] And you were like, finally, a story for me.

[2:33] The story of a hairdryer.

Dan McCoy

[2:35] That's a very, very silly movie that I enjoy the high concept of and the cavalcade of great

[2:41] caretractors.

[2:42] And of course, Nicolas Cage.

[2:44] And Elliot.

[2:44] Let the wind blow through his hair.

Stuart Wellington

[2:46] That's the thing.

[2:46] You make that joke about hairdryers.

[2:48] But that's the most famous shot of the movie is the wind blowing through his hair.

Elliott Kalan

[2:52] I will say it is.

[2:53] That is a very fun, dumb movie.

[2:55] I do not love that we are supposed to take the freedom of Steve Buscemi's serial killer

[3:00] character at the end.

[3:01] Child murder.

[3:02] Child murder.

[3:03] As like a hilarious bit.

[3:04] I don't love that section.

[3:06] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[3:06] Didn't realize Elliot's coming down in favor of a carceral state.

Elliott Kalan

[3:10] Well, they tell a story about him riding around wearing a kid's head as a hat.

[3:16] And there's the whole sequence where he's a little kid.

[3:18] Maybe the kid was a real drip.

[3:20] Yeah.

[3:20] Fair point.

[3:21] Maybe he was a drip.

Dan McCoy

[3:21] We didn't hear his side of the story.

Elliott Kalan

[3:23] The kids or Steve Buscemi's.

[3:25] Steve Buscemi.

[3:25] Because we hear neither.

[3:26] Because there's that sequence where you're supposed to be in suspense over whether he's

[3:31] about to murder a little girl or not.

[3:33] Yeah.

[3:33] And I don't love that sequence.

[3:34] But otherwise.

[3:34] No, no.

[3:35] It's hard because I like Steve Buscemi.

[3:36] It's totally far out of place.

[3:37] I like Steve Buscemi so much.

[3:39] But I don't love the – that the guy's like – they're like, he's the worst, most

[3:43] horrible child murderer ever.

[3:45] And at the end, he's like, I'm just gambling in Las Vegas.

[3:47] Everybody, this is great.

[3:48] Yeah.

[3:49] You know.

Dan McCoy

[3:49] But he made Simon West also Tomb Raider, the first Tomb Raider.

[3:55] He made The General's Daughter.

[3:57] So clearly the guy to go to for a wacky comedy.

Elliott Kalan

[4:01] He did the – he does action.

[4:03] He's an action guy.

[4:04] He's an action guy.

Stuart Wellington

[4:04] And this is not just a comedy.

[4:06] It's an action comedy.

[4:07] Does this movie have any competently shot action?

[4:09] No.

[4:10] Yeah.

[4:10] That's the problem.

Elliott Kalan

[4:11] There is – this is spoiling a little bit.

[4:13] It's going to be – there is some background and gunfire special effects that are so goofy

[4:21] in this that it looks like a homemade comedy video from like 10, 15 years ago when people

[4:28] were just starting getting their hands on like somewhat professional –

[4:31] Come in and do our effects, please.

[4:33] Like if this was a Funny or Die video from like 15 years ago, I'd be like, this effects

[4:37] look pretty good.

[4:38] But for a movie in 2025, now it's 2026.

[4:41] Yeah.

[4:42] Not so much.

Dan McCoy

[4:42] Yeah.

[4:43] And it may be too early in the show to take sort of a broad picture look at Bright Hard.

[4:50] But as many people have pointed out, I'm sure, in their reviews, like the thing about

[4:56] Die Hard is –

[4:58] It's good.

[4:58] You have just like a regular cop who is – who should be like overmatched by the situation

[5:05] plunged into this hostage situation where this is a movie about like a super spy who you're

[5:12] never worried about whether she can do any of the stuff.

[5:15] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[5:16] And also on top of that, Dan, to piggyback on that, the whole movie – the opening, which

[5:21] is very abrupt, is setting up the idea that she's having a hard time being a bridesmaid

[5:25] because of her spy life getting in the way.

[5:28] Let's get into this.

[5:29] So I kept assuming that it was because of her spy life that something terrible would happen

[5:34] at the wedding.

[5:34] Totally unrelated.

[5:36] Unrelated.

[5:36] I'm just saying that the –

[5:37] She just happens to be a spy at a wedding that happens to be attacked.

Dan McCoy

[5:41] The pun, bride hard.

[5:43] Like bride doesn't sound enough like die to make it worth the comparison to a movie that

[5:48] doesn't really apply here.

[5:50] Now, what would be –

Elliott Kalan

[5:50] Now, if –

[5:50] Should have been bride or die.

[5:52] Yes.

[5:52] Bride or die would have been better.

[5:54] But also, they clearly want it to seem like bridesmaids.

[5:57] So, like, what would be your pun on bridesmaids if it was a spy movie?

Dan McCoy

[6:01] Bride slays.

[6:05] Diesmaids.

Stuart Wellington

[6:06] All right.

[6:06] You know what?

[6:07] Maybe they chose the right title.

Dan McCoy

[6:08] I can't think of anything either.

Stuart Wellington

[6:09] Okay.

[6:09] Movie opens with an impromptu bachelorette party in Paris.

[6:15] We meet our bridesmaids.

[6:18] We have Sam, the maid of honor, played by Rebel Wilson.

[6:20] She is the organizer.

[6:22] She had to change things last minute due to a work obligation.

Dan McCoy

[6:26] And she changed it to everyone's doing this in Paris, which is wild.

[6:31] Like, that everyone was like, yes, at the last minute we will go to Paris instead.

[6:35] I mean, we do find out that they're all incredibly wealthy.

Stuart Wellington

[6:38] Yeah.

[6:39] I mean, this is a movie made now.

Elliott Kalan

[6:40] So, all the characters are incredibly wealthy.

[6:42] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[6:42] Yeah.

[6:43] We have Betsy, the bride, played by Anna Camp.

[6:45] So, we get a little bit of a pitch-perfect reunion.

[6:50] Virginia, the sister-in-law, played by Anna Klumsky, who, again, we got a lot of pros here.

[6:55] There's a really good cast.

Dan McCoy

[6:57] And she is not served by this movie at all.

[7:00] No.

Stuart Wellington

[7:00] And Lydia and Zoe, who are the tag-along friends who are just kind of along for the ride.

[7:07] And, you know, they get a little bit of character stuff.

[7:09] And that is, of course, Divine Joy Randolph, always lovely.

[7:12] And an actress who I don't particularly recognize.

Dan McCoy

[7:15] No, I don't recognize her either.

[7:16] But I will say that…

[7:17] That's Gigi Zambato.

Elliott Kalan

[7:19] But I don't know her from stuff.

[7:20] I just know her from – she's from the TV shows.

Dan McCoy

[7:22] To skip ahead, Divine is like the one person who I think kind of makes her material work.

[7:27] Her material is not good, but she sells it so much harder than anyone else.

Stuart Wellington

[7:31] A lot of it is people making a lot of effort trying to sell what little they're given.

[7:36] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[7:36] I think Divine Joy Randolph has the highest hit rate.

[7:38] I think Anna Chlumsky tries her best.

[7:41] You know, she's trying really hard.

[7:42] I think Anna Camp is trying really hard.

[7:44] I think Anna Camp actually does a pretty good job.

[7:46] I think she does a good job.

[7:46] I actually – I'm not super – I never saw the Pitch Perfect movies.

[7:49] I haven't seen her other stuff.

[7:50] And I came away from this really liking Anna Camp as a performer.

Stuart Wellington

[7:53] And Rebel Wilson does a lot of like her thing that's also a little bit like a Melissa McCarthy thing where they are both performers who walk into a scene.

[8:04] They're like, I'm just going to riff a bunch kind of under my breath and hope that like Rodney Dangerfield style laughs will occur.

Elliott Kalan

[8:12] And it's going to be cut in such a way that it's clear that it's like I tried a few different lines and then we put in all of them.

Stuart Wellington

[8:19] But unfortunately, this movie is in the hands of Simon West, a director who doesn't seem to really understand comic timing.

[8:25] So a lot of it is not cut together.

[8:27] It feels – a lot of it felt very unfriendly to Rebel Wilson.

Elliott Kalan

[8:32] Knowing nothing about the making of this movie, my guess is that this movie was put together very quickly.

[8:38] Yeah.

[8:39] It feels like a movie that was thrown together.

[8:42] I know that looking up just a little bit, this is one of the movies that received a SAG-AFTRA waiver during the strike a couple years ago when it was being made.

[8:51] Thank God.

[8:52] So like my guess is that this was a movie that was made a little bit – no pun intended because it's a spy action movie – under the gun.

[8:57] Okay.

[8:58] Well, I know – like there's a – I have a –

[9:00] Guys, I intended that pun.

[9:01] I got to come clean.

[9:01] I intended that pun.

[9:02] That pun was not unintended.

Stuart Wellington

[9:04] It was very much tended.

[9:06] It was attended by all of us unfortunately.

Dan McCoy

[9:09] A friend of a friend has a story by credit but does not have a screenplay credit which suggests to me that like a lot of modern movies, this went through a lot of changes along the way.

Elliott Kalan

[9:20] Yeah.

[9:20] Okay.

[9:21] So they –

[9:22] It was just like that song, Time Can Change, Bright Hard, but I can't change, Bright Hard.

[9:27] Right?

[9:27] No, because you're not associated with production.

Stuart Wellington

[9:29] No, that's true.

[9:30] Well, that's also in the song.

[9:32] The bachelorette party happens to be in Paris because we learn that Sam is actually a secret agent.

[9:41] Uh-oh.

[9:42] Stuart, Stuart, I want to – I hate to stop you because we're only a second into the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[9:46] But can you please describe to us how these characters are introduced to us?

[9:49] Because this is a movie that – one of the things I found so disorienting was it feels like the first 10 to 15 minutes of the movie were just chopped off.

[9:55] We're introduced – the characters are just walking through Paris.

[9:58] How do we learn who they are and what they do?

Stuart Wellington

[10:00] Well, we get images of them walking through the streets with little like name chyrons, right?

[10:05] Like little name plates.

[10:07] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[10:09] There's like stuff that says like –

[10:10] Who they are and what their role is.

[10:12] Made of honor.

[10:12] Yeah.

[10:13] Friend.

[10:14] And then it's like – and right off the bat, it's like, okay, we're doing this thing.

[10:17] And Sam's like, I got to go.

[10:19] And I was like, wait a minute.

[10:19] I don't know.

[10:20] I don't – it wasn't really enough to get me –

[10:22] Yeah.

[10:23] To understand who these characters are and how they know each other.

Stuart Wellington

[10:25] Technically, the movie opens with the opening credit sequence.

[10:28] Which is a lot of shots of two little blonde girls playing with like –

[10:32] I don't know, like Soulmate by Lizzo playing or something.

Dan McCoy

[10:35] And that's how you know that they're best friends.

[10:37] Which –

[10:38] And that is the emotional rock that the rest of the movie will rely on.

Stuart Wellington

[10:41] I have a question, guys.

[10:43] So we learned that Anna Camp's character and Rebel Wilson's character were best friends since they were very, very young.

[10:49] Yeah.

[10:49] Now, at what point did Rebel Wilson's character develop a very thick Australian accent?

Elliott Kalan

[10:54] This is a question that I was also wondering and I'm like, maybe her parents are Australian and that's why she has it.

[11:01] But maybe she went to college in Australia and she just never shook the – like she came home with one.

[11:05] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[11:06] But it is a –

[11:07] You would think that a secret agent would want to blend in, learn to blend in better.

[11:13] That's true.

[11:14] She blends in very poorly.

[11:14] But I guess Australians are the, like, most – everybody's favorite tourists for some reason.

[11:20] I've heard that various graphics show that Australians are people's preferred tourists.

Dan McCoy

[11:25] Seem jolly, you know?

[11:27] Yeah, like Santa Claus, the original Australian.

[11:29] Good day, kids.

Elliott Kalan

[11:30] I've got some presents for you.

Stuart Wellington

[11:32] Oh, get a little –

Elliott Kalan

[11:33] My tongue, get down the chimney.

Stuart Wellington

[11:35] Pulls it out of his kangaroo pouch.

[11:38] Here you are.

Elliott Kalan

[11:39] It's a cool bear.

[11:41] It's actually quite dangerous.

Dan McCoy

[11:43] Don't play with it.

Elliott Kalan

[11:44] Oh, it's fine.

[11:45] It's the sleigh that's pulled by seven kangaroos or whatever.

Dan McCoy

[11:48] I apologize for my half-hearted, terrible accent there.

Stuart Wellington

[11:52] Yeah, Dan, throw yourself into your terrible accent like I am.

[11:54] The thing is, we have never had bad accents.

[11:57] Never.

Elliott Kalan

[11:59] I've got a list that tells me who's nice and who's not a Rooney.

[12:02] Okay, well, that's a little cockney.

[12:04] Yeah, that's true.

[12:04] My Australian nose becomes cockney, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[12:06] So Sam has to sneak away from the festivities that she organized because it turns out that

[12:10] their intel was wrong and the mission that she has to be part of is actually happening

[12:15] that night instead of the next night.

[12:17] And then we also learn that that mission, it's not a prototype.

[12:20] It's actually the actual, like, what, chemical weapon that they're supposed to be observing.

[12:26] It's really weird because as soon as she sees it's a chemical weapon, she goes into action

[12:31] mode.

[12:32] And the rest of her team's like, no, don't do that.

[12:34] And I'm like, then why the fuck did he bring action agent along if it's just watching?

[12:39] You have a drone guy.

Elliott Kalan

[12:40] She is consistently a bad secret agent in the way that movie secret agents are aware.

[12:46] A real secret agent, just today, we had the news that our government has gone into a foreign

[12:52] country and kidnapped the leader of that foreign country.

[12:54] And that was done partly because we sent in CIA agents to, like, gather information about

[12:58] where that foreign leader would be.

[13:01] The secret agents did not decide, get it, suddenly get on a motorcycle.

[13:04] We got to do it ourselves.

[13:05] Start blasting.

[13:06] But secret agents in movies, they're never very good at secrets.

[13:09] It's the old thing about, like, James Bond is a secret agent who constantly tells his

[13:12] name to people.

[13:13] Yeah, most famous, yeah.

[13:14] Like, so, but she, they're like, he's got a real biological weapon with him.

[13:18] Let's be careful.

[13:19] And she's like, no, just going to start shooting and hitting, you know, chasing after.

Stuart Wellington

[13:22] This whole sequence ends up not really having any effect on the rest of the movie, other

[13:28] than the fact that by going to, going to do her job, it makes her friend, what's her

[13:36] name, Betsy, remove her from her bridal party.

[13:40] She is no longer maid of honor as she's let everybody down.

Dan McCoy

[13:45] She's not maid of honor either, like Patrick Dempsey was.

[13:47] No, that's true.

[13:48] Yeah.

[13:49] Literally maid of honor.

Stuart Wellington

[13:50] Cobbled together from honor discarded.

Dan McCoy

[13:52] That's a, you know, like that's a talent that the US used to have, but we've forgotten

[13:56] how to do it in this age of AI, how to make a man of honor.

Elliott Kalan

[13:59] Well, yeah, also we lost the notes of Dr. Victor Frankensmine, who's the guy who discovered

[14:04] how to do that.

[14:05] Frankensmine.

Stuart Wellington

[14:05] Similar to how the STCs for the men of iron in the 41st millennium are now long lost,

[14:12] and the few that remain are relics.

[14:14] Okay.

[14:14] Very similar.

[14:15] It's exactly like that.

Elliott Kalan

[14:16] So she's now the maid of dishonor, which means that she has to wear brambles and seaweed to

[14:21] the wedding.

[14:22] Like a Krampus.

[14:23] Exactly.

[14:24] Exactly.

[14:25] And if anyone misbehaves at the wedding.

[14:27] I've got such bad Krampus.

[14:28] It's her job to pull them away and put them into wedding jail.

Stuart Wellington

[14:31] She has to burst in at the objections thing and do a Mrs. Rochester moment.

[14:37] Burn the house down.

[14:41] Okay.

[14:42] So after this mission.

Elliott Kalan

[14:44] So here's a joke nobody's going to like or care about.

[14:46] It's for an audience and only me.

[14:48] Great.

[14:48] What if on the Jack Benny show, Rochester's wife was Mrs. Rochester from Jane Eyre?

[14:53] So it's like, Rochester, bring the car around.

[14:56] And Rochester's like, I can't boss.

[14:57] My wife is trying to get out of the attic.

Stuart Wellington

[15:03] I mean, has there been a, has there been like a modern retelling of her story from her point

[15:09] of view yet?

[15:10] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[15:10] There's a book called The Wide Sargasso Sea, I think it is, which is from her point of view.

[15:14] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[15:14] Elliot, that joke was for me as well.

[15:19] And I have to commend you on a pretty good Jack Benny.

Elliott Kalan

[15:21] Thank you.

[15:22] Thanks.

[15:24] So she's-

[15:25] You know what?

Elliott Kalan

[15:25] I'm wrong.

[15:25] Wide Sargasso Sea, it's an older book that I thought.

[15:27] It's from 1966.

[15:28] I thought it was from the 80s.

[15:30] But it's still more modern than Jane Eyre.

Dan McCoy

[15:31] Probably because there was that like movie adaptation around that time, I think.

[15:36] Okay.

[15:37] Was there?

[15:37] It was called Wide Sargasso Sea.

[15:39] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[15:40] It was in-

Elliott Kalan

[15:41] Speaking of, are you guys excited about-

[15:41] Either the late 80s or early 90s.

[15:43] Are you guys excited about that new Wuthering Heights movie that's coming out?

[15:46] The Emerald Fennel?

[15:47] Yeah.

[15:47] Emerald Fennel has a pretty good hit rate, right?

Stuart Wellington

[15:51] I don't mind fun movies.

[15:54] I mean, I like her movies as like fun trash.

[15:56] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[15:57] Like, I think the problem is like somehow the world got the idea in their head that there

[16:04] were supposed to be important movies or something.

[16:07] And they're not.

Elliott Kalan

[16:08] And not kind of weirdo rich people exploitation trash.

[16:11] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[16:11] 1993, Wide Sargasso Sea starred Karina Lombard.

[16:18] I don't know who that is.

[16:20] Oh, Rachel Ward's in it though.

[16:21] Michael York?

Elliott Kalan

[16:23] Anyway.

[16:23] Okay.

[16:23] Well, the book came out before then.

[16:25] But there is a-

[16:25] So just to answer your question, there is a postmodern retelling of the story from Mrs.

[16:31] Rochester's point of view.

[16:31] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[16:32] Man, I'm really glad we went on this one.

[16:34] This little side quest.

[16:36] There's really so little to Brightheart.

[16:38] I am glad that we went on this side quest.

Elliott Kalan

[16:40] It's so rarely on this podcast that I get to talk about the work of early to mid-19th

[16:44] century female authors from Britain.

[16:47] So I'm glad we could do a little bit of that today.

Stuart Wellington

[16:49] Would my gal Virginia Woolf be in that category?

[16:54] No.

Elliott Kalan

[16:54] Virginia Woolf is very much an early 20th century author, although I would love to talk about

[16:58] her work.

[16:58] I love her work.

[16:59] There's a reason that-

[16:59] Big fan.

[16:59] Raising my younger son's middle name is Woolf with two O's.

[17:03] Hmm.

[17:04] Didn't know.

[17:04] Also because Woolf is a family-

[17:05] You didn't name your son Mrs. Dalloway?

[17:09] His name is Orlando Dalloway Kalen.

[17:13] Orlando the Waves Kalen.

[17:14] Orlando to the Lighthouse Dalloway Waves Kalen.

[17:18] That's pretty cool.

[17:19] His name is a room of their own Kalen, but we just call him-

[17:22] We just call him Ator.

[17:26] Or Arato.

[17:28] That's pretty cool.

[17:29] That's Arato would be the initials, yeah.

[17:32] So Sam is down-

[17:33] That'd be so funny.

[17:33] He was like, this is my son Sammy, and this is younger brother Arato.

[17:37] Arato?

[17:38] Like, what is that?

[17:38] Oh, it's short for a room of one-

[17:41] Oh, it's a room of one zone.

[17:42] It's the name.

[17:43] Not a room of their own.

[17:44] I think of a league of their own.

[17:45] Guys, okay, hold on a second.

[17:46] This is what we need to do.

[17:47] They get both a room and a league?

[17:49] In this economy?

[17:50] A room of a league of their own.

[17:52] Mm-hmm.

[17:54] It's a room of one zone.

[17:55] I apologize to the late Virginia Woolf.

[17:57] Yeah, I thought that sounded wrong, but I didn't want to leap in.

[18:00] Yeah, I apologize.

[18:01] I hate to bring it to you, Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[18:03] Okay, so Sam is understandably down in the dumps for the falling out with her friend.

[18:09] She feels like she messed up, but she also doesn't know how to remove herself from work.

[18:14] Until her handler, Nadine, played by Sherry Cola, insists, who also has, like, nothing to do in this movie.

[18:23] No, she just exists to, like, make quips, you know?

[18:25] Yeah, which, I mean, talented.

[18:27] I'll answer my own question.

[18:28] Joyride.

[18:29] Joyride.

[18:30] She's also on that Nobody Wants This show as a podcast producer.

Dan McCoy

[18:37] Yeah, she's given so little to do.

[18:39] I expected, like, I guess I wasn't paying enough attention.

[18:43] Like, she loses, like, why is she not in contact with this woman throughout the hostage situation in some way?

[18:50] My guess is that.

[18:52] There's a cell phone jammer.

[18:53] There is a cell phone jammer.

Elliott Kalan

[18:55] But my guess is that there was more for her to do in this, but that they cut it, you know?

[18:59] It just, this movie feels like it, this movie doesn't feel like a cohesive piece of work that fulfills the intentions of its makers, let's say.

[19:08] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[19:09] So her handler is like, I got a new mission for you, and it's just go to your friend's wedding.

[19:16] So she goes to her friend's wedding, which is in one of those big old plantation houses in the south.

[19:22] Because everybody's rich.

Elliott Kalan

[19:24] Everybody in the world is rich.

[19:25] Some people are just richer than others.

[19:26] Mm-hmm.

[19:29] Even the bad guys seem to be rich.

Dan McCoy

[19:32] Well, you know, like, they're doing this mission, this well-funded mission to rob rich people.

Stuart Wellington

[19:38] Yeah, Stephen Dourif, you can't get that many stick-and-poke tattoos without having a little bit of a free scratch line around.

[19:44] Unless he's, like, friends with the artist or something.

[19:47] Or, like, yeah, doing trading.

[19:48] Yeah, trading.

[19:49] Trading, yeah.

[19:50] I'll rob someone for you.

[19:51] Unless he's, like, a chef.

[19:52] Is he a chef?

[19:53] Do we know if he's a chef on the side?

[19:55] He might be a chef.

Elliott Kalan

[19:56] Okay.

[19:56] Are there tattoos on his neck?

[19:57] If not, he might not be a chef.

Stuart Wellington

[19:59] He might not be a chef.

[20:00] Do his, yeah, what about his knuckles?

[20:02] So, uh.

Dan McCoy

[20:03] Like an Anthony Bourdain, Jeff Foxworthy team.

[20:07] Oh, man.

Stuart Wellington

[20:08] Oh, man, what a pairing.

[20:10] If you got a tattoo of a fork on one of your arms, you might be a chef.

[20:14] That's the season of True Detective I've been dying for.

[20:18] Well, I've got bad news for you, Stuart.

[20:20] What happened to Jeff Foxworthy?

[20:21] No.

[20:25] Okay, so Virginia, who is the new maid of honor, is being overbearing.

[20:31] She's overplanning.

[20:33] But she, the maid of honor, the new maid of honor is the sister to the groom-to-be.

[20:40] So, you know, it all, I guess.

[20:41] And this is very much like.

Dan McCoy

[20:44] Like bridesmaids?

[20:44] Bridesmaids.

[20:45] Like, this is like the whole bridesmaids thing of, like, where Rose Byrne is the, you know, sort of, like, you're supposed to read her.

[20:51] It's like, oh, who's this bitch horny in?

[20:54] Or what?

[20:54] But, like, bridesmaids, I mean, bridesmaids did a better job of basically everything.

[21:00] But bridesmaids.

Elliott Kalan

[21:00] I don't even like bridesmaids.

[21:01] And it did a better.

[21:02] I can tell you it did a better job.

[21:03] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[21:03] Did a better job of making that character a human.

[21:06] Like, Anna Shlumsky gets, like, a, you know, at the end, she is not horrible.

[21:12] But it is a real, like, you know, switch of a change.

[21:18] They do a couple of those with a couple different characters.

[21:20] Like, she seems awful for so much of the movie.

[21:22] And then at the end, it's like, okay, well, she's okay.

[21:24] You know.

Elliott Kalan

[21:26] Emotions are high around weddings, Dan.

[21:28] Sometimes you aren't your best self, you know.

Dan McCoy

[21:30] And people are high at weddings often.

[21:32] Ideally.

Elliott Kalan

[21:33] Sometimes.

[21:33] If it's the wedding of Jerry Garcia, Dan, what was that?

[21:36] If Rachel's getting married.

[21:38] If Rachel's getting married, there's a lot of trauma to get over.

Stuart Wellington

[21:41] So, yeah.

[21:42] Okay.

[21:43] So, you know, there's a big party.

[21:45] Rachel getting married.

Elliott Kalan

[21:48] Rachel getting married.

[21:49] Do you remember that part of Rachel getting married?

[21:51] Yeah.

[21:51] Where it's, like, the night when everybody's performing.

[21:53] And the guy's, like, he's doing stand-up or something.

[21:55] He keeps saying, Rachel getting married.

[21:56] And I'm like, yeah, I don't know Rachel.

[21:58] So, just keep going.

Stuart Wellington

[21:59] I actually don't remember this.

Elliott Kalan

[22:00] I just remember.

[22:01] It's as if the guy is, like, I can't.

[22:02] He's doing something like, I can't believe it.

Stuart Wellington

[22:04] L.A.'s DVD got a scratch on it.

[22:06] So, it was just skipping.

[22:07] Maybe that's it.

Elliott Kalan

[22:07] It was, like, he was, I think he was trying to get across the, like, can you believe Rachel

[22:10] has grown up and is getting married?

[22:12] And it was, like, yeah, as an audience member, I met her as an engaged adult.

[22:15] So.

Elliott Kalan

[22:15] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[22:16] Yeah.

[22:16] And it's the fucking title of the movie, dog.

[22:19] Did you know what we were in?

[22:19] Like, I didn't think I bought a ticket to fucking sack lunch.

Elliott Kalan

[22:23] How'd they get in that sack?

[22:24] Or is it a really big sack?

[22:26] Yeah.

[22:27] Of all the movies that were on Seinfeld, sack lunch is the one I'm most curious about.

Stuart Wellington

[22:31] And guys, this is when Chris, the best man, shows up.

[22:36] Of course, played by Tracker himself, Colter Shaw.

[22:39] Oh, that's Tracker.

[22:40] That's Tracker, everybody.

[22:41] Now, here's the thing.

Elliott Kalan

[22:42] I would love to see Tracker with the skills of this character.

[22:47] Yes.

[22:47] Because the joke throughout is that he thinks he's very cool, but he's bad at all the stuff

Stuart Wellington

[22:50] he's doing.

[22:50] Well, it's weird because when he first shows up, you know, they really play up how hot

[22:54] he's supposed to be.

[22:55] I mean, there's a slow motion walk and there's a woman in the background doing the craziest

[22:59] take as he's walking up.

[23:02] And it's, what were they playing like?

[23:06] Dude looks like a lady.

[23:07] I think it was his, what, Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover or something?

Elliott Kalan

[23:10] Yes, it is, Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[23:12] And, you know, there's a, he starts flirting with Sam.

[23:16] There's like a party.

[23:17] There's a bridesmaid dance number that Sam disrupts by shooting like a blow dart at Anna

[23:24] Klumski's character.

[23:25] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[23:26] And at that point, I'm like.

[23:27] Anna Klumski is going real overdrive within the dance number to pull the spotlight, you

[23:33] know?

Stuart Wellington

[23:33] Yeah.

[23:34] At the same time, Sam is getting a little suspicious of just things going on.

[23:41] She sees like a guy walking around with a big case and she's like, is this a missile launcher?

[23:46] And so she sends images to her handler and her handler's like, stop worrying about it.

[23:50] I'll analyze it, but don't worry about it.

[23:51] Also, in the middle of the night, bad guys infiltrate.

[23:55] Oh, I think you meant in the middle of the night.

[23:58] Bad guys infiltrate the flooding.

[24:01] I never mean that.

[24:02] At the Southern Plantation, in the movie, Brian Hart.

[24:06] So there's like three security guys standing on the dock at the river attached to the estate

[24:13] and they get, they get like tranquilized darts or shot and killed by some frog men and replaced.

Elliott Kalan

[24:21] Wait, now before, Stuart just means scuba divers.

[24:23] He does not mean the characters from Hell Comes to Frogtown starring Rowdy Roddy Piper.

Stuart Wellington

[24:29] Okay.

[24:30] So the wedding the next day.

Dan McCoy

[24:32] Or the footman from Alice in Wonderland.

[24:35] Yes, the frog footman.

[24:36] Yeah, another great frogman.

Elliott Kalan

[24:37] What other great frogmen are there in fiction?

[24:39] Frogmen of history.

[24:40] Yeah, great frogmen of history.

[24:41] And I don't mean people.

Dan McCoy

[24:41] I mean, Kermit's kind of a frogman.

Stuart Wellington

[24:43] John Taffer from Bar Rescue.

Dan McCoy

[24:45] I mean, he's presented as if he's a frog.

[24:47] Kermit is a frog.

[24:48] Is Kermit the frog?

[24:49] No, I know, but that's like his name.

[24:51] He's unlike the other frogs, even in his own world, I feel like.

[24:56] Okay.

[24:56] I mean, I just, I feel like this is like a split in.

[24:59] The other.

Stuart Wellington

[24:59] It's like a goofy Pluto situation.

Dan McCoy

[25:01] Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

[25:02] Goofy Pluto is like the planet Pluto, but it's, the orbit is all crazy.

Stuart Wellington

[25:06] Like normal?

[25:08] Neptune is like, goofy Pluto, stop bumping into me.

[25:10] Yeah.

[25:13] Okay, so.

[25:14] Who made this straw?

[25:16] Virginia continues her.

[25:18] This straw is crazy.

Dan McCoy

[25:19] We can't let this get out.

Elliott Kalan

[25:21] Someone unbalanced designed this straw.

[25:26] Lock this man up.

[25:27] He designed this straw.

[25:29] He's a danger to drinking everywhere.

[25:32] I'll just, I am so parched.

[25:34] I'll just put the straw to my lips.

[25:36] It's taken a long time for the liquid to get through this straw.

[25:38] Wait, this is a very circuitous route for this liquid to take.

[25:42] Almost absurdly circuitous.

Stuart Wellington

[25:48] I, I got tired sucking on it before it reached my lips.

Elliott Kalan

[25:53] Oh, it's a sad story.

[25:54] He was the pride of the straw design department here at America Pacific.

[25:59] But.

Elliott Kalan

[25:59] And now look at him.

[26:00] Look at him.

[26:00] He had to be taken away.

[26:02] In a pad room.

[26:03] He was locked away for his safety and others.

[26:07] He was doing strange, horrible things with straws.

Stuart Wellington

[26:11] Abominations of nature, they were called.

[26:14] Do you think in like a post-apocalyptic future, any of the people who are like siphoning gas

[26:18] out of a discarded car or gas tanks, do you think any of them ever use like a big silly,

[26:23] silly straw just for laughs?

[26:25] Probably.

Dan McCoy

[26:25] Don't get me started on silly string, though.

[26:27] Oh boy.

[26:28] It's not even string.

[26:29] Try and tie up a package with that.

Elliott Kalan

[26:32] That's a fool's errand.

[26:33] End up with a mess on your hands.

[26:35] I'll tell you who would use that to tie something up a silly person.

[26:38] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[26:39] So the bridesmaids all do a bit of a glam day.

[26:42] Again, Virginia is being way too, she's being way too much overbearing and makes Sam feel

[26:49] left out.

[26:50] She also takes issue with Sam flirting with Chris, aka Tracker, by showing her a magazine

[26:56] that says Virginia et Chris, some like French fashion magazine, which I thought was very

[27:01] funny.

Elliott Kalan

[27:02] This was when I first realized how rich these characters are supposed to be.

[27:05] That it's not just that they're rich, but they're rich enough that a French magazine

[27:07] is running articles about whether they're in a relationship or not.

[27:11] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[27:12] Okay.

[27:13] So the wedding starts to happen and Sam and Betsy get in a little bit of a fight.

[27:20] So Sam steps away for a second.

[27:22] And that's when a bunch of bad guys, mercenaries led by Stephen Dorf, stop the wedding.

Elliott Kalan

[27:29] Dorf is not going fishing, guys.

[27:30] And he is not playing golf.

[27:31] He is hijacking this wedding.

Stuart Wellington

[27:32] So they shoot some Uzis in the sky.

[27:35] They collect all the wedding guests.

[27:38] There's a joke about, are all American weddings like this from a British guy?

[27:42] I'm confused, guys.

[27:43] Is this the same wedding from Betsy's wedding?

[27:45] Maybe.

[27:46] Yeah.

[27:46] Could be.

[27:47] Wait.

[27:47] What's Betsy's wedding, Dan?

[27:49] It had Molly Ringwald in it and Alan Alda.

Dan McCoy

[27:53] Yeah.

[27:53] I was also left in the cold by this one.

[27:56] Lodged in the old memory.

[27:59] It's a forgotten film of the period.

Elliott Kalan

[28:02] No, I mean, it makes sense, though, because there's no other movies about weddings that

[28:05] you could have made that job with.

Dan McCoy

[28:06] Well, but it's the same woman's name.

Elliott Kalan

[28:08] Is this what happened to Peggy Sue, et cetera, et cetera?

Dan McCoy

[28:11] Yeah, yeah.

[28:11] That's a different woman's name.

Elliott Kalan

[28:12] It doesn't make any sense.

[28:13] Is this my best friend's wedding?

Stuart Wellington

[28:15] Is this my Betsy's friend's wedding?

[28:16] Is my best friend named Betsy?

Elliott Kalan

[28:18] Is this Robert Altman's Betsy wedding?

[28:21] Yeah.

[28:23] Because, Dan, you have a friend named Betsy.

[28:24] So I was like, I don't know.

[28:26] I wasn't at that wedding, but I assume you were.

[28:28] Is this Betsy's wedding?

[28:31] I mean, it was a long time ago.

[28:32] Yeah.

[28:33] In a galaxy far, far away.

[28:35] So.

[28:36] Dan, how did you get to that wedding that was a galaxy far, far away?

Dan McCoy

[28:41] Hitchhiked.

[28:42] The mercenaries collect.

[28:44] They use the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

[28:45] Yeah, that guide with you, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[28:47] They corral all the guests.

[28:48] We clearly have a lot to say about Brideheart.

[28:50] Anyway, continue.

Stuart Wellington

[28:51] They separate the family members who own the estate, which includes the groom-to-be, the maid of honor, and their parents.

[29:00] One of whom is played by, that's right, Colleen Camp.

[29:03] Yeah.

[29:04] That's also a producer on the movie.

[29:06] Mm-hmm.

[29:07] Along with Joel David Moore, who I guess used some of his avatar bucks to help produce this one.

Dan McCoy

[29:13] This is the bucks that have Navi on them.

[29:16] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[29:17] They're fucking blue.

[29:18] You can only use them to produce other movies because James Cameron's the only one who will trade them back in for American dollars.

[29:24] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[29:25] So they're trying to get into this, like, weird time-release vault, family vault thing that has a ton of gold bars in it and an incriminating hard drive.

[29:34] And in order to do that, they need each family member's ring and their passcode or something.

[29:41] And they have to wait 30 minutes between each ring slash password insertion, which seems very inconvenient.

[29:48] But I guess that's how rich people do.

[29:51] And then we find out in this scene that the best man, Chris, tracker, not the good dude that he is on tracker, Colter Shaw, who works as a rewardist finding missing people.

[30:00] Rewardist?

[30:01] And often doesn't even keep the reward.

[30:02] Yeah, I thought he also—

[30:03] That's what he calls himself, a rewardist.

[30:05] Oh, okay.

[30:06] And, like, other people call him that—

[30:07] Because he just means he works for rewards?

[30:08] Yeah, that's good.

[30:09] He works for—

[30:10] Because he doesn't want to say bounty hunter is a bad guy.

[30:13] A rewardist.

Dan McCoy

[30:13] A tipist if you're, like, a server.

Stuart Wellington

[30:16] It's a little wild because everyone—

[30:18] We're not wagists.

[30:19] Other people call him a rewardist, which is weird.

[30:21] Why don't they just call him the title of the show, Tracker?

[30:24] Because that's not his name, although you would assume it is.

[30:26] It should be.

[30:27] His name should be Colter Tracker.

Elliott Kalan

[30:28] Yeah.

[30:29] I mean, Colter Shaw is a really cool name.

[30:32] It is a cool name.

[30:33] You're putting a lot of pressure on a kid when you name them Colter, that they've got to grow up to be handsome and cool.

Stuart Wellington

[30:37] Yeah.

[30:38] Which this character is supposed to be.

[30:40] But all of—at this point, this is kind of a turning point.

[30:42] This is where we not only realize he's a bad guy.

[30:44] It's a real sliding doors moment.

[30:45] But he also is like—he also becomes, like, a big kind of dork.

Elliott Kalan

[30:50] He becomes a big wannabe baby.

[30:52] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[30:52] Yeah.

[30:53] And he's doing this because he wants that hard drive to, like, theoretically, in his mind, clear his dad for, like, malfeasance.

[31:02] His dad was sent to jail for financial crimes.

Elliott Kalan

[31:05] He's a real Jared Kushner.

[31:07] His whole life is about proving that his dad, who was clearly a criminal, was not a criminal.

[31:12] And he doesn't care how many lives he has to ruin.

[31:14] Irving Kushner?

[31:15] I mean, I guess I'm asking for—

[31:17] Irving Kushner.

[31:18] His dad, Empire Strikes Back director, Irving Kushner, whose name is spelled and pronounced differently.

Stuart Wellington

[31:27] You know, you're not exactly like your dad, Elliot.

[31:29] That's true.

[31:30] Maybe your last name could be changed slightly.

Elliott Kalan

[31:32] That's a good point.

[31:33] He wants to prove that his dad's not guilty of encasing Han Solo in carbonite.

[31:37] So he's looking for the behind-the-scenes footage that shows that that's just a movie and not a real thing that happened.

Dan McCoy

[31:42] I guess I'm asking for a better movie than Breitheart, but this detail—

[31:47] Dan, I think we're all asking.

Elliott Kalan

[31:48] If you weren't asking for a better movie than Breitheart, I would be like, Dan, you need to raise your standards.

[31:53] Come on.

Dan McCoy

[31:53] This detail, though, just goes so nowhere.

[31:57] It's used as an excuse for someone on the inside to be part of it.

[32:02] But when it is revealed at the end that, oh, no, your dad really was a criminal, it's such a shrug.

[32:09] There's no sense of, like, I did all this for nothing, you know?

[32:14] Or there's no twist on it.

[32:16] Like, oh, actually, you did all this and you exonerated him, but now you're going to jail or something interesting.

Elliott Kalan

[32:22] I mean, by that point also, his character has become such a nothing.

Stuart Wellington

[32:25] Like a cartoon non-threat.

[32:27] I feel like I would have liked, if they're going to go with the cartoon non-threat route, I would have liked if some of the other characters were still, like, enamored by how hot he was.

[32:37] Yes.

[32:38] So at least there was some, like, dimension to it.

[32:41] Well, something like, yeah—

[32:41] I'm going to Monday morning quarterback this whole movie by the end.

Elliott Kalan

[32:44] Yeah.

[32:45] But that's, like, Dan, that's a good twist idea.

[32:47] Like, Dan's saying, like, some kind of twist so it's not just what's happening, you know?

[32:50] It's not just a straightforward thing.

Stuart Wellington

[32:52] Okay.

[32:53] So Sam, who is separated from everybody, kind of starts figuring out that something's going on.

[32:58] She starts taking out bad guys.

[33:01] There's a sequence where she uses—

[33:02] On dates?

[33:02] That seems like a conflict of interest.

[33:04] She starts taking out—she kills a guy by beating him up with, like, hot hair curlers as if they were nunchucks.

[33:11] That's her idea of a good date?

[33:13] Not my idea.

Dan McCoy

[33:15] I mean, I'm kind of into it.

[33:17] Yeah, I'm kind of into it.

[33:18] Some people it might be.

[33:19] This is what I was saying before, though.

[33:21] Like, you never—like, there's a little bit of a nod in the direction of, like, oh, Sam's in trouble at the end just so the bridesmaids can, like, come save her and, you know, prove that they're all friends again or whatever.

[33:32] But, like, you never worry about her actually being overmatched in any way.

[33:38] Like, she is, like, a movie, you know, super fighter.

Stuart Wellington

[33:43] The thing is that you have to—like, they clearly don't have the money to lean into the action sequences here.

[33:51] And later on, they make a point of when, you know, in the wrap-up, she's like, yeah, and you can't tell anyone that I'm a secret agent.

[33:58] And I'm like, oh, okay.

[34:00] So that's what the movie should have been is that she is so clearly overmatching these guys.

[34:05] She should be able to easily defeat them at any time.

[34:08] But the issue is she should be trying to do it so that nobody knows she's a secret agent.

[34:12] And they're like—

[34:13] Yeah.

[34:14] That's funny.

Elliott Kalan

[34:15] And I think one of the issues they have with doing something like that, which I think is funnier, is that she gets kicked out of being the maid of honor so early because they're trying to be like bridesmaids.

[34:23] So there's that it's—no one's really paying attention to her that much throughout the movie.

[34:27] Yeah.

[34:27] And she has no responsibilities.

[34:29] But if you wanted—if it's like she still has to do her maid of honor stuff while she's taking out all these bad guys or while she's—like if there's—

Dan McCoy

[34:36] Like she notices something's wrong early and she's trying not to ruin the wedding.

[34:39] Yes.

[34:39] You know?

Elliott Kalan

[34:40] And then you can set it up for like act three is when it's, oh, no, now everyone knows about it in the bad guys or middle act two or who knows what.

Dan McCoy

[34:47] I also saw this in some review I read of this.

[34:50] You went to the theater and saw it as it was meant to be seen.

[34:52] It was a road show.

[34:53] Someone made the good point.

[34:54] The intermission and everything, yeah.

[34:55] Someone made the good point that like there's no difference really between her spy persona and how she acts in real life.

[35:02] No.

[35:02] And maybe if there was like a contrast, that would be interesting.

[35:05] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[35:06] If she's like a goofy—she's a goofy friend, but she's like a stone-cold killer as a spy or something like that.

[35:13] Or vice versa.

[35:14] She does—she has—she's—the funny thing about her is that she's kind of cold to her friends, but she's really warm to the people she's fighting.

[35:20] That's who she feels like she can talk to?

[35:22] Anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[35:23] And I think casting-wise, you should have swapped Stephen Dorff and Tracker.

[35:27] I think Stephen Dorff would play like a sniveling little weasel better.

[35:32] He would be very funny doing that.

[35:34] Okay.

[35:35] So Chris goes off trying to hunt down Sam, and they bump into each other.

[35:42] She immediately susses out that he's a bad guy.

[35:45] And they have a scuffle, and she manages to steal the ring that he had been holding that is part of the—

Elliott Kalan

[35:52] And he's like, my precious, my precious.

[35:54] Uh-huh.

Stuart Wellington

[35:54] Yeah, that's a dead-on Gollum he just did.

Elliott Kalan

[35:56] Yeah, it's me, Gollum.

[35:57] Hey, guys.

[35:58] Hey, what's up?

[35:59] Hey.

[36:00] Where you going?

[36:01] Dan, your Gollum sounds like—

[36:02] Can I come?

[36:03] It's like Gonzo Gollum.

Dan McCoy

[36:04] You going to Mount Doom?

[36:05] Can I come?

[36:06] Can I have that ring?

[36:07] It's kind of my precious.

Stuart Wellington

[36:09] Yeah, we've got to take it over to Mount Doom.

[36:12] So Gonzo's Gollum.

[36:13] Can I come?

[36:15] It's like, fucking A, dude.

[36:18] Stop telling him what we're doing.

[36:20] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[36:20] I promise I won't talk too much.

[36:23] So Muppet—

Stuart Wellington

[36:24] He always says that, but he keeps singing about fish.

[36:25] You told him my voice was annoying.

Elliott Kalan

[36:27] Muppet Lord of the Rings maps pretty well.

[36:29] Kermit's Frodo, right?

[36:31] Fozzie is Sam.

[36:32] Gonzo is Gollum.

[36:33] Who's Miss Piggy, though?

[36:35] Aragorn?

Dan McCoy

[36:37] I think it would be pretty funny if she was Gandalf.

Elliott Kalan

[36:40] Yeah, that's pretty funny, too.

[36:42] Yeah, that works.

[36:43] I see Sam the Eagle as more of a Gandalf type, but you know.

Dan McCoy

[36:46] No, it's true, but he's too uptight.

[36:50] Yeah, you don't want to spend that much time with Sam the Eagle.

Elliott Kalan

[36:51] I feel like I don't know if Middle Earth is big enough for Miss Piggy.

[36:54] Actually, Sam the Eagle would be Soromon.

[36:56] That's who Sam the Eagle would be.

[36:57] Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[36:58] Or Uncle Deadly.

Stuart Wellington

[37:00] Okay.

[37:00] So, at this point, the bride, Betsy, manages to trick them into letting her sneak off to get food.

[37:07] And in doing so, she's able to reunite with her friend Sam.

[37:12] There's some action sequences, blah, blah, blah.

[37:17] They come up with a plan together.

[37:19] So, they split up again.

[37:21] Betsy returns.

[37:22] She helps all the hostages escape.

Dan McCoy

[37:25] I've got to say, like, I don't want to play reality police too much in what is clearly a dumb comedy.

[37:34] But, like, there's scenes where she, like, comes back and she's, like, talking to the other hostages about the plans.

[37:39] Where they're, like, whispering loudly and you see goons, like, wandering around in the background.

[37:45] I'm like, wow, they're really lax about letting all their hostages plan with one another.

Elliott Kalan

[37:50] These are the least threatening, least imposing goons I've ever seen in a movie.

[37:55] They're so easily taken out by everybody.

[37:58] They let the heroes who are captives just have free reign, yeah, free movement often.

[38:04] And they're, it's just, it's just very easy.

Stuart Wellington

[38:06] There's a point where they all escape and they, like, snatch up all the weapons that are clearly lying around in this plantation home.

[38:12] And I'm like, somebody make a joke about the fact that rich people have, like, weird weapons in their house or something.

[38:18] But no.

[38:18] No.

Elliott Kalan

[38:19] Now, this is what I'm going to say.

[38:20] Up until this point, the movie has pretty closely stuck to its original.

[38:24] It's based on the bride strip bear by her bachelors even.

[38:27] The sculpture by Marcel Duchamp, also known as the large glass.

[38:30] But this is where this story takes an abrupt turn.

[38:32] It no longer follows that.

[38:34] I thought it was Marcel Duchamp.

[38:36] Like, he's the champion.

[38:37] Yes.

[38:37] That's what my brother used to call him.

[38:39] When I was a teenager, I went through a big period where I was really enamored of Duchamp's work.

[38:43] And I had Calvin Tompkins biography of him, which just says Duchamp on the cover.

[38:46] And my brother would just go, Duchamp.

Stuart Wellington

[38:49] That actually is probably the clearest portrait of the Kalen boys I've ever heard.

[38:55] Okay.

[38:56] So, the hostages escape through the, like, weird tunnel underneath the property.

[39:03] Sam gets captured while battling goons, eventually.

[39:06] And they get the ring off of her and they open the vault.

Elliott Kalan

[39:09] Hey, if you like her, then you better take a ring off it.

Dan McCoy

[39:12] And this is when...

[39:13] Like that song, right, Dan?

[39:14] Yeah.

[39:15] This is the moment, by the way, also, again, hate to be too logical.

[39:20] But, like, the most egregious plot armor where, like, she has the ring, which is what they want.

[39:25] She's killed a bunch of them.

[39:27] They don't just shoot her.

[39:29] No, well, it's like the most egregious.

[39:30] Right in front of them.

Elliott Kalan

[39:31] It's almost...

[39:31] I would call it second most egregious after the moment in Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny where they have Indiana Jones and Fleabag alone in a cavern somewhere.

[39:42] And they know Indiana Jones, I think, is holding the thing they want.

[39:44] And they've been killing people left and right for no reason.

[39:47] And they do not just shoot Indiana Jones and Fleabag in the head and take that thing and leave.

[39:51] Instead, they're like, you'll have to come with us or else we'll kill you both.

[39:55] It's like, just...

[39:55] I don't understand why you're not doing it.

[39:56] Just kill it.

[39:57] Just do it.

[39:58] We know you're the hero of the movie.

[39:59] Your name is in the title.

[40:00] So we can't kill you.

Stuart Wellington

[40:00] There'd be a wild, wild ending of a movie there, right?

[40:04] For them to just kill all these characters.

[40:04] They just blast it above in the head.

[40:06] Yeah.

[40:07] Yeah, and then they go back in time to ancient Rome.

[40:09] Cuts the black and then credits.

[40:09] And they die and then everyone dies.

[40:11] Actually, that would be...

Elliott Kalan

[40:12] So the version of...

[40:13] They kill them.

[40:14] They take the Dial.

[40:14] They go back in time.

[40:15] But it takes them back to that moment.

[40:17] And Indiana Jones and Fleabag are able to stop them and just change their own deaths.

[40:23] That's a great ending.

[40:23] We should do that.

[40:24] When we do our remake of Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny.

Dan McCoy

[40:26] Should I watch that movie?

[40:27] I still haven't watched it yet.

[40:28] I like that movie.

[40:29] It's fun.

[40:30] I like it better than...

[40:31] Breidheart.

[40:33] Crystal Skull, personally.

[40:34] Yes, I also like it better than Crystal Skull.

[40:36] The beginning of Crystal Skull I like a lot.

[40:37] But then it gets pretty boring to me.

Elliott Kalan

[40:39] Everything after the fridge in Crystal Skull I'm not...

Dan McCoy

[40:42] How much Mutt is in the new one?

[40:44] No Mutt.

[40:45] There's no Mutt.

[40:46] No Mutt?

Dan McCoy

[40:46] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[40:46] It's Sands Mutt.

Dan McCoy

[40:48] Mutt went and returned to his home planet.

[40:51] I mean, he literally...

[40:52] Yeah, he's a dog name.

Elliott Kalan

[40:53] I will say Dial of Destiny, the longer it went on and the kind of sillier it got, the more

[40:58] I liked it.

[40:59] Okay.

[40:59] Yeah.

[40:59] In the very beginning, I'm like, eh, I don't know.

[41:01] But by the end, I'm like, you know what?

Stuart Wellington

[41:02] This is pretty bonkers.

[41:05] I feel like I've asked this question on the podcast many times.

[41:08] Yeah.

[41:08] Because I still haven't seen it.

[41:09] And every time it comes up, I'm like, should I watch that?

[41:11] And you're like, eh, maybe.

[41:13] I mean, there's certainly better things to watch, but there's also worse things to watch.

Dan McCoy

[41:17] I mean, if you're like, I'm just such a fan of that character that I was going to watch it.

[41:22] Well, yeah.

[41:23] I mean, I am.

Stuart Wellington

[41:26] Both of them.

[41:26] Elliot jokes for a second and realized what he's done.

[41:29] I'm like, oh, no, he does love that character.

[41:30] It is a good character.

[41:31] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[41:33] So, when they open up the vault...

[41:35] But it's weird when Fleabag is a robot in the Star Wars movie, right?

[41:39] That's the one time I've attracted to a robot.

Dan McCoy

[41:41] I'm like, that robot's got a lot of junk in this robot.

[41:43] That's the only time?

[41:43] One time?

Stuart Wellington

[41:44] Let me direct you to the Bride of Pinbot pinball machine.

Elliott Kalan

[41:50] Dan, I have a certain Aerosmith album cover I think you need to look at.

Dan McCoy

[41:54] Yeah.

[41:55] I mean, I guess Ex Machina is a pretty good robot for being attracted to, too.

[41:59] I mean, that's a human actress.

[42:01] She'll abandon you.

Elliott Kalan

[42:01] That's a human actress pretending to be a robot.

[42:04] That's what I'm saying.

Stuart Wellington

[42:04] You're hearing me out on a Alicia Vikander.

Dan McCoy

[42:08] It's the one robot-y robot that I'm like, hmm, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[42:12] Yeah, yeah.

[42:13] Hear me out, Gonk Droid.

[42:16] Hello?

Elliott Kalan

[42:17] The thing about Gonk Droid is he's such a generous lover because he's so grateful.

Stuart Wellington

[42:21] Yeah, yeah.

[42:22] Well, yeah, he's into the mouth play.

[42:23] Most people just look at me as a cue.

Elliott Kalan

[42:25] Most people just think I'm a trash can.

[42:29] So, wait, one real quick.

[42:31] I have a complaint I have to make about the Star Wars character encyclopedia guidebooks.

[42:34] Yeah, sure.

[42:34] There's so many characters, thanks to the Mandalorian and the new movies, that some of the old characters have been dropped from those books.

[42:41] And my younger son, he has the newest edition of it.

[42:43] And I was very disappointed to see that Gonk Droid is no longer in the book.

[42:46] What the fuck?

[42:47] He did not make the cut anymore.

[42:49] Open the fucking schools, right?

[42:50] Fucking star of the movie.

[42:52] You've got all these one-off Mandalorian characters.

[42:54] You don't have Gonk Droid.

[42:56] Mo Monadon, he's not in any of those books.

[42:58] That's very disappointing.

[42:59] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[42:59] What about the Schistovan Wolfman in the Mos Eisley Cantina?

[43:06] The one who got pulled out for the special edition?

Elliott Kalan

[43:08] The only Mos Eisley guys that are still in there are Figrin to Anne, of course.

[43:14] Yeah, yeah.

[43:15] Are the modal nodes in there?

[43:16] No, just Figrin to Anne.

[43:18] The modal nodes don't get the right.

[43:18] But they get a mention.

[43:20] And Ponda Beba and Dr. Evazan.

[43:23] Yeah.

[43:23] Like, Mo Monadon's not in there anymore.

[43:25] Snaggletooth's not in there anymore.

Stuart Wellington

[43:25] He's got the fucking death sentence in how many sectors?

[43:27] Twelve, I think.

[43:30] Okay.

[43:30] Boy.

[43:32] So let's get back to Breidheart.

[43:34] There's a lot of, there's like two seconds left.

[43:36] Okay.

[43:37] So they get the vault open.

[43:39] This is when the, this one, Stephen Dorff's like, actually, Tracker, I don't need you around at all.

[43:44] So for Sam manages to break free.

[43:49] She and Chris both escape.

[43:51] There's like shooting and grenades.

[43:54] They get trapped inside a whiskey barrel.

[43:57] Because it's a distillery at the plantation.

[44:00] Yeah.

[44:00] They luckily are rescued by their friends through clever use of Morse code.

Dan McCoy

[44:07] More regular use of Morse code.

Stuart Wellington

[44:09] Yeah, I guess you're right.

Dan McCoy

[44:11] They didn't put a fresh new spin on it.

[44:14] The Mercs are making, the Mercs are.

[44:17] Your cousin Marvin Morse.

Stuart Wellington

[44:19] You know that new sound you've been looking for?

[44:21] You know that new code you've been looking for?

[44:22] Yeah, yeah.

[44:23] Putting some real English on your wraps.

[44:26] Your dits and dashes or whatever.

[44:29] Yeah.

[44:29] Okay.

[44:30] So Sam and Betsy jump on a hovercraft and they go chasing after Stephen Dorff and all the gold.

Elliott Kalan

[44:35] Here's, this is, there's a very funny thing that happens here.

[44:38] It's just very small, which is that the gold is just flying around.

[44:41] These gold bars and it's like, guys, guys, gold is very heavy.

[44:44] Yeah.

[44:44] Like it is famously incredibly heavy, but it's clearly like, you know, aluminum or something.

Stuart Wellington

[44:49] There's some very good people standing on things with a green screen behind them work in this sequence.

[44:54] Oh, yeah.

[44:55] There's a lot of that.

[44:56] So they, you know, there's some action and adventure.

[44:59] They eventually overtake Stephen Dorff.

[45:01] And Sam boards his little skiff and they battle.

[45:06] Leave Java's palace.

[45:07] Yeah.

[45:07] And then she, you know, she manages to knock him off the platform with all the gold.

[45:13] And then they get overtaken by Tracker, who's like, ha ha, I want this hard drive to save my, to clear my dad's name.

Elliott Kalan

[45:19] At this point, it's almost like you're just watching famous people playing Mario Kart.

[45:22] You know, when they're just chasing each other on these things.

Stuart Wellington

[45:24] Which again, if they made a live action Mario Kart movie where people are green screened like that, like terrible green screen, I would be super into it.

Elliott Kalan

[45:34] It's right.

[45:34] It's terrible green screen, terrible muzzle flare.

Stuart Wellington

[45:37] Again, get, yeah, for when you fire off a shell or whatever.

[45:42] Yeah.

[45:43] Yeah, get Neil Breen to make the Mario Kart movie.

[45:49] That would be amazing if somehow Neil Breen landed the Mario Kart license and they made it.

Elliott Kalan

[45:53] Like some fucking mistake.

[45:54] Okay, so they stop the Mercs.

[45:56] Chris Pratt is just on set with Neil Breen.

[45:59] He's playing Mario and he's like, this is, are you sure you want me to do this in the scene?

[46:02] Yeah, yeah, this is what you're going to do.

[46:03] Because Mario doesn't usually go on long kind of nihilistic libertarian sociopathic rants about the elites and the powers of the government.

[46:13] That's more Wario territory.

Dan McCoy

[46:15] And they're all very nonspecific.

[46:17] Do you want to say something more than just banks and government?

Stuart Wellington

[46:23] All right, that's it.

[46:23] You're off the movie.

[46:25] I'll play the part.

[46:25] They leave Tracker on the driverless hovercraft and he then crashes into a big wedding display and seems to explode.

[46:34] There's a lot of very cheap digital smoke around him.

Elliott Kalan

[46:38] And they, of course, have very, their emotional reaction to seeing potentially, what was he, the best man, even though he's turned a bad guy, killed in an explosion, is very nonchalant.

Stuart Wellington

[46:48] Well, there's a moment earlier where Sam, they seem to believe that Sam has been killed by mercenary gunfire.

[46:56] And Betsy is obviously sad that her childhood best friend is dead.

[47:00] And Divine Joy Randolph's character is like talking shit about her.

[47:04] And I'm like, this is crazy.

[47:06] Like, why would you like read the room?

[47:09] Like her friend's dead.

[47:10] Don't talk about her being a bad bridesmaid.

[47:12] No one cares.

[47:12] Just go back to seducing the reverend like you're doing through the rest of the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[47:16] Um, the, let's see.

[47:18] There is, there is one line.

[47:19] There is one, uh, there's one back and forth that I did find very funny where, um, the, uh, cause there are a couple of funny jokes in it.

[47:26] Not the very many, but where they're talking about what are their skills that they can use to help Sam.

[47:30] And Divine Joy Randolph is like, I'm a solid nine and a half.

[47:33] Make with, do with that what you will.

[47:34] And Betsy's like, well, I think you're a 10, but let's, let's just moving.

[47:37] And she's like, thank you.

[47:37] It was like the most real back and forth in the entire movie.

[47:42] It felt like to me.

[47:42] But anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[47:43] So, uh, and, and like, there's so many other weird, like, clearly jokes were written in here.

[47:49] Like there was a moment where, uh, Betsy first sees Sam beat the shit out of a bunch of guys.

[47:55] And she's like, are you even hurt?

[47:57] And she's like, I'm human, aren't I?

[48:00] And she goes, I don't know.

[48:02] And they're like, it's edited in such a way where they're like, we don't even know if these are meant to be jokes or not.

[48:08] Like we don't get any room for delivery.

[48:11] It's just like, let's get to the next weird action sequence.

[48:13] So, uh, we wrap everything up.

[48:15] The authorities arrive.

[48:16] They like, uh, they slide down ropes from helicopters.

[48:20] Uh, they decide to do.

Elliott Kalan

[48:21] Surprising everybody.

[48:22] The people don't seem to, do they notice the helicopters before they slide down?

[48:25] I can't remember.

Stuart Wellington

[48:26] Uh, I don't know.

[48:27] And then, uh, I don't really care.

[48:28] And then they decide to have the wedding right there instead of doing some kind of a big thing.

[48:34] Um, that's when Tracker shows back up and he holds everybody at gunpoint.

[48:38] He's quickly disarmed and taken into custody.

Dan McCoy

[48:40] Well, and he has a explosive.

Stuart Wellington

[48:42] He has a detonator.

[48:43] He has an explosive detonator, which is commandeered, uh, by, uh, Sam.

[48:48] They then throw the bouquet.

[48:50] Sam catches it, triggering the detonator, blowing up their home.

[48:54] Uh, they don't care.

[48:55] Yeah, they're really cool about it.

Elliott Kalan

[48:57] This is how rich they are, is they just shake off that their home and all their possessions

[49:00] have been destroyed.

[49:01] I mean, granted, Sam did save them.

[49:03] Colin Campbell's like, I did want to redecorate, you know.

[49:05] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[49:07] Sam did save them, but I also feel like there'd be a little, little larger reaction to their

[49:12] entire home getting blown up.

[49:14] I don't necessarily be angry towards Sam, but maybe some remorse of losing your home.

Stuart Wellington

[49:18] Yeah.

[49:18] That's the point when I'd be like, okay, I wasn't as worried about it before, but now I'm

[49:23] going to need to know where every single gold bar is because I have to build a new house.

[49:28] Okay.

[49:29] And then the movie wraps up with all the characters like dancing around a bonfire, just having

[49:33] a good time.

[49:34] End of movie.

Dan McCoy

[49:35] Doing witch curses.

Stuart Wellington

[49:37] Yeah.

[49:38] Yeah.

[49:39] Just dancing around, just casting spells.

[49:42] Living life deliciously, you know.

Elliott Kalan

[49:45] And that was Brideheart, folks.

[49:47] How long do you think she lived life deliciously before she got tired of the witch life?

Stuart Wellington

[49:51] That's a good question.

[49:52] I would say eons.

[49:55] Oh, okay.

[49:55] Wow.

[49:55] So a long time.

[49:56] Well, yeah, because she opens up a witch house.

[49:58] Time and space have no meaning anymore.

[49:59] Oh, right.

[50:00] The dreams there are pretty cool.

[50:01] Yeah.

[50:02] Yeah.

[50:02] And she has like a little cool rat friend with a human face.

[50:05] Aw.

Dan McCoy

[50:06] That's cute.

[50:07] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[50:08] So guys.

Dan McCoy

[50:09] That guy should have been in Brideheart.

[50:12] It's time while Stuart pours some water directly into his microphone.

Stuart Wellington

[50:17] Just peeing all over.

[50:19] We'll see what it has to do with that.

[50:21] Stuart marks his territory on this episode.

Dan McCoy

[50:22] I will introduce the next part of this, which is final judgments.

[50:27] We have to judge this movie.

[50:29] Is it a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or movie that we kind of liked?

[50:35] This was a bad, bad movie.

[50:37] I can't remember.

[50:40] I'm sure, like, there are talented people involved.

[50:43] Sure.

[50:44] Like, I am sure that there was some earlier version of this script even that was better.

[50:49] But, like, this version that we got is sort of bafflingly free of jokes.

[50:59] Like, I can't, like, oftentimes I can't even tell what the joke was supposed to be in the movie.

[51:05] And, unfortunately, the action doesn't work either.

[51:11] So you're left with a whole lot of nothing.

[51:13] What do you say, Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[51:14] Yeah, I feel like the only joke they really retained was the title of the movie.

[51:19] But, yeah, I would say this is a bad, bad movie.

[51:22] Anytime I find myself spending the whole time trying to think, like, how would I have made this functional?

[51:28] And I am not a screenwriter.

[51:31] So, yeah, I think that's true.

[51:35] So I would say, yeah, this movie's a mess.

[51:37] There's just not very many jokes.

[51:39] Obviously, there's talented people that are kind of doing their best.

[51:42] But there's – it feels like nothing of a movie.

Elliott Kalan

[51:49] I agree.

[51:51] I've got nothing else to add to that.

[51:52] Bad, bad movie.

[51:53] No one is well served by it.

[51:55] And I'm sure that everyone who worked on it is capable of better.

[51:59] So I guess this is a see-me-after-class to the people who made Bright Hard.

S4

[52:08] Say, what's the trivia show where dreams come true?

Elliott Kalan

[52:10] It's got to be Go Fact Yourself.

[52:13] Legend in the House.

S4

[52:15] We quiz celebrity contestants about topics they love.

Elliott Kalan

[52:18] Then bring out surprise experts.

S4

[52:21] To delight and amaze.

[52:22] And then finally, tell us why you know and love the lyrics to the song Knockin' Boots by Candyman.

Dan McCoy

[52:27] Joining us tonight is a rapper and producer.

S5

[52:29] It's Candyman!

[52:31] Hello, Candyman!

S4

[52:33] This is among the greatest moments of my life.

[52:37] This is one of mine, too.

[52:39] I love it.

Elliott Kalan

[52:40] That's Go Fact Yourself.

S4

[52:41] Twice a month, every month.

S5

[52:43] Here on Maximum Fun.

[52:48] Since 2017, after every MaxFun drive, we've held a sale for MaxFun members where all of the proceeds go to a non-profit.

[52:55] In December, we donated $43,000 to Transgender Law Center.

[53:00] 43,000!

[53:02] Thank you to all the MaxFun members who made this possible.

[53:06] Transgender Law Center champions the right of all transgender and gender non-conforming people to live freely, safely, and authentically.

[53:15] A mission that everyone at MaxFun supports.

[53:18] If you'd like to learn more, or make an additional donation, go to transgenderlawcenter.org.

[53:24] And for anyone who needs to hear this, you belong here.

[53:28] You deserve to be able to be yourself, and we love you.

Dan McCoy

[53:31] Well, let's take a moment to thank our sponsors.

[53:39] The Flop House is sponsored in part by Squarespace.

[53:43] That's a service that allows you to create a website and gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place.

[53:51] And I love getting paid.

[53:54] You can get paid on time with professional on-brand invoices and online payments.

[54:00] You can streamline your workflow with built-in appointment scheduling and email marketing tools.

[54:06] And, yeah, if you want a good-looking site, well, they got you covered because they got a library of professionally designed website templates that have won awards, even, with options for every use and category.

[54:19] Intuitive drag-and-drop editing, beautiful styling options, visual design effects.

[54:23] You don't need to know how to code to use Squarespace.

[54:27] So head to squarespace.com slash flop for a free trial.

[54:31] And when you are ready to launch, use offer code FLOP, that's F-L-O-P, to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Stuart Wellington

[54:41] We are also sponsored by Factor.

[54:45] You know, it's a new year.

[54:46] We all have big plans, big goals, and we're also very busy coming out of the holiday season.

[54:53] So many of us don't have time to take care of ourselves and cook.

[54:58] And that's why Factor makes a perfect option.

[55:02] Factor provides fully prepared meals designed by dieticians and crafted by chefs so you can eat well without having to spend all that time shopping and cooking.

[55:12] Factor features quality functional ingredients, including lean proteins, veggies, whole food ingredients, and healthy fats.

[55:20] With 100 rotating weekly meals, including high protein, which I don't know about you guys, but I do a lot of weightlifting and I need my protein.

[55:29] Yum, yum, yum.

[55:30] I need to feed this engine.

[55:33] And my wife, on the other hand, she is just not very good at, between running four businesses, she does not have a lot of time to feed herself and will forget about it and then be insane by the end of the day because she hasn't eaten lunch.

[55:49] Well, Factor provides a really easy option because their meals are ready in minutes.

[55:54] Now, they're always fresh, never frozen.

[55:57] Why don't you check them out?

[55:58] Head to factormeals.com slash flop50off and use code FLOP50OFF to get 50% off your first Factor box, plus free breakfast for one year.

[56:10] Offer is only valid for new Factor customers with code and qualifying auto-renewing subscription purchase.

[56:16] Make healthy eating easy with Factor.

Elliott Kalan

[56:20] Hey, guys.

[56:21] We are also sponsored in part by ourselves, by the things that we do.

[56:29] And so let's talk about the things that we have that are going on.

[56:32] That's right.

[56:33] Yeah, and Tim Allen is here.

[56:34] It is next week.

[56:35] Next week, a week after this episode drops, well, a week and a day, we are going to be appearing at San Francisco Sketch Fest.

[56:43] We will be there live in person January 25th.

[56:46] That's a Sunday at 4 p.m. at Cobb's Comedy Club.

[56:49] The Flophouse is coming back to San Francisco.

[56:51] We're back to Sketch Fest.

[56:53] We're talking about Master of Disguise, the Dana Carvey movie where he briefly dresses up like a turtle man.

[56:59] Wait, what?

[57:00] We are?

[57:03] Stuart, this isn't how I wanted you to find out, but we had a great time at last year's Sketch Fest.

[57:08] We are very excited to be at this Sketch Fest.

[57:10] Cobb's is a great comedy club.

[57:11] It's a super fun place to be.

[57:14] Please join us, won't you?

[57:15] Sunday, January 25th at Cobb's Comedy Club.

[57:18] For tickets and for other schedules for all the other amazing shows going on at SF Sketch Fest, go to sfsketchfest.com for our show on January 25th, Sunday, next weekend at Cobb's Comedy Club.

[57:32] But hey, guys, what if you can't make it to San Francisco for whatever reason?

[57:37] You still want to see us live.

[57:39] What if?

[57:40] What if?

[57:40] Well, you can see us live over your computer for a limited time if you go to Flop TV.

[57:48] Go to theflophouse.simpleticks.com for season three of Flop TV.

[57:52] There's one episode left, guys.

[57:54] Our February episode, February 7th.

[57:56] That's the first Saturday in February.

[57:57] We will round out the end of our Flopster Pease Theater season by talking about Plan 9 from Outer Space.

[58:05] Maybe the most famous bad movie that was ever famous for being bad.

[58:09] We're finally going to talk about it.

[58:11] It's going to be amazing.

[58:12] This has been a really fun season of Flop TV.

[58:14] Flop TV, as everyone knows, is our one-hour kind of like online video version of the podcast.

[58:19] We've had a lot of fun talking about the adventures of Pluto Nash and Jack Frost and Xanadu and Zardoz and Dr. Doolittle.

[58:26] And now we round out the season with our season finale, Plan 9 from Outer Space.

[58:30] Now, if you missed our other episodes, that's okay.

[58:33] If you buy tickets to those shows, you get access to the recordings, which will all be available through the end of February when they go back in the Flophouse vault.

[58:41] So if you've slept on getting tickets to watch Flop TV, sleep no more.

[58:46] I don't mean sleep no more, the interactive theatrical experience.

[58:49] It's closed, Elliot.

[58:50] Okay, good, good.

[58:51] Don't buy tickets for that.

[58:52] It's closed.

[58:52] Instead, buy tickets to Flop TV at theflophouse.simpletix.com.

[58:56] Get our season pass bundle.

[58:57] That's six shows for the price of five.

[59:00] And join us February 7th as we bid adieu to Flop TV for this season with Plan 9 from Outer Space.

[59:07] That's theflophouse.simpletix.com.

[59:10] Hey, guys, I have a couple of personal things that I'd like to promote, if that's okay with you guys.

[59:13] Sure.

[59:14] Okay.

[59:15] All right.

[59:16] Well, as everyone knows, I have my book out, Joke Farming, How to Write Comedy and Other Nonsense.

[59:20] It's on store shelves now or buy it online, I guess.

[59:23] But I'd prefer you went to your independent bookstore.

[59:24] It's all about how to write books.

[59:26] I'm still writing the Harley Quinn series monthly from DC Comics, and I'm still hosting Clueless, the game show podcast on the Smartless Network.

[59:33] Go listen to it.

[59:34] Clueless, it's a much shorter podcast than the Flophouse.

[59:37] So if you really want to dig into a podcast and luxuriate in it, the Flophouse.

[59:41] But if you don't have a lot of time, just go to listen to Clueless.

[59:43] And finally, I have a new comic book series that is coming out this year.

[59:48] What?

[59:49] From Mad Cave Studios, I have a new book called Barbarian Behind Bars.

[59:53] It is the story of what happens when a Conan the Barbarian type character who has gone on a multidimensional quest that ended on Earth gets thrown in jail, and he doesn't speak English.

[1:00:04] Nobody knows who he is.

[1:00:05] He's got to figure out how to get out of prison, and people have to figure out what is his deal as magic and dangerous things are happening around him.

[1:00:12] Because perhaps the villain that he thought he dispatched in the beginning of the series, perhaps there's more to it than he thinks.

[1:00:19] So that's Barbarian Behind Bars.

[1:00:21] I'm reuniting with my Maniac of New York artist, Andrea Moody.

[1:00:24] We're working through Mad Cave Studios, which is a fun, smaller comic book company that has a lot of great stuff coming out.

[1:00:30] And the first issue comes out February 11th.

[1:00:33] So that's Barbarian Behind Bars, number one in comic stores, February 11th.

[1:00:37] You can order it until January 19th as the final order cutoff.

[1:00:41] So tell your local comic book store, make mine Mad Cave, and order Barbarian Behind Bars, number one.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:47] You had Stuart at Barbarian.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:50] Mm-hmm.

[1:00:51] I think Stuart's actually going to like it a lot.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:52] Yeah, it sounds like my thing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:54] It's a combination of high fantasy and pulp prison B-movie storytelling.

[1:00:58] So get ready for violence.

[1:00:59] Love it.

[1:01:00] Very violent.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:02] Let's answer a few letters from listeners.

[1:01:05] This first letter is from Matt's last name withheld.

[1:01:09] Well, the first letter is A.

[1:01:11] What?

[1:01:11] Okay.

[1:01:12] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:14] I got you, Danny boy.

[1:01:16] Did you?

[1:01:17] Did you get me?

[1:01:19] You got got?

Dan McCoy

[1:01:20] I guess so.

[1:01:21] That's the feeling of getting got.

[1:01:23] Yeah, how does it feel?

[1:01:24] I've been gotten.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:26] How does it feel to get gotten, got go?

Dan McCoy

[1:01:28] Go.

[1:01:29] Hey, peaches.

[1:01:31] Oh, hey.

[1:01:33] Hey.

[1:01:33] Just writing to say that you guys gave me some real nostalgia when you mentioned the 1950s film adaptation of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea in the episode on The Crow.

[1:01:46] Like Elliot's kid, I went through a serious Jules Verne phase about 30 years ago.

[1:01:50] And I was unfortunately one of those insufferable children who was emotionally compelled to force their interests on their parents and peers.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:58] Those are called children.

[1:02:00] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:00] Perhaps unsurprisingly, when I made several of my slightly older cousins watch it with me, they were unenthused by a 1950s sci-fi adventure.

[1:02:09] This would be unremarkable, except this ended up being a foundational moment when I realized, hey, Matt, you're kind of a weirdo who likes old things.

[1:02:17] And I haven't looked back since.

[1:02:19] I'm now a professional historian and teacher, and my wife and I are having a kid in January.

[1:02:25] So thanks for helping me relive that seminal moment.

[1:02:29] Hopefully, I can.

[1:02:31] That kid is laughing because.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:33] Super futuristic stuff, by the way.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:34] Are you laughing because hearing about a kid and seminal were put together?

[1:02:39] That is why I'm laughing, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:40] Okay.

[1:02:41] Because there's two ways to use that word.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:43] Indeed.

[1:02:44] Hopefully, I can help my kid grow up to be just as weird and old film nerd as me.

[1:02:49] So, Peaches, what pulpy old adventure movies would you suggest for kids who are into that kind of stuff?

[1:02:56] I'm even open to ones with problematic elements, as long as I can make them into teaching moments.

[1:03:01] Matt, last name withheld.

[1:03:06] I'm sure Elliot has a bunch of them and maybe will be overlapping.

[1:03:09] I wrote down a few.

[1:03:10] I wrote down a few, too.

[1:03:12] It depends on what you mean.

[1:03:13] Does the Adventures of Robin Hood qualify as pulpy or is that too folktayly?

[1:03:19] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:19] I also had that question because I had that on my list also.

[1:03:22] There's a thin line.

[1:03:23] So, when you say pulpy, going off of like 20,000 leagues, it feels like adventure.

[1:03:28] Yeah.

[1:03:29] As opposed to there are westerns that you could consider pulpy westerns that are good.

[1:03:34] There's something like the Adventures of Robin Hood.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:37] That's the animated one, right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:39] No.

[1:03:40] It's the Errol Flynn one.

[1:03:41] But I mean, the animated Robin Hood is fine.

[1:03:43] It's good.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:43] I'm sure we probably both have King Kong as a possibility.

[1:03:47] Oh, you know what?

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:48] I didn't put on there because I think of that as a monster movie.

[1:03:50] But you're right.

[1:03:51] That's a good action.

[1:03:53] Especially if you want to make it a teaching moment for racial insensitivity.

[1:03:56] Well, the one that's the one.

[1:03:57] I love that movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:58] The one I have on here that is definitely a teaching one because it has a lot of colonialist

[1:04:04] stuff in it is Gunga Din.

[1:04:06] But that's a very fun adventure movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:08] That's the first one I thought of was Gunga Din where it is certainly you've got actors

[1:04:12] in brown face.

[1:04:13] You've got – they're just treating a whole religion as if it is evil and stuff like that.

[1:04:18] But it's such a fun pulp adventure if you can look past.

[1:04:21] It's about colonialism.

[1:04:23] The heroes are the colonialists.

[1:04:24] But also there's a long-time mention from me and Stuart.

[1:04:28] There's The Man Who Would Be King.

[1:04:30] It's another great kind of like fun pulpy adventure movie.

[1:04:33] I was trying to think of like old, old movies.

[1:04:35] So like the 30s Prisoner of Zenda is a fun kind of like adventure movie that way.

[1:04:41] Captain Blood, the Errolson Pirate movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:43] Yeah, I have a pirate movie too.

[1:04:45] My last one I had was The Crimson Pirate with Burt Lancaster.

[1:04:49] I liked.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:50] Yeah, you guys both put The Phantom in there, right?

[1:04:53] Billy Zane, The Phantom.

[1:04:55] Slam evil.

[1:04:56] If you want to slam evil.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:57] It's based on an old thing.

[1:04:58] It's less old than the other ones.

[1:05:01] It's pretty old.

[1:05:01] It's pretty old now.

[1:05:03] Because then there's movies –

[1:05:04] Because we're old now.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:05] Like do pulpy war movies count?

[1:05:07] Because then there's like The Lost Patrol or Sahara.

[1:05:10] Yeah, Cross of Iron.

[1:05:11] Good ones.

[1:05:13] Cross of Iron.

[1:05:14] Cross of Iron is one of those movies when I finally watched –

[1:05:16] I remember seeing the box for it when I worked at Suncoast Motion Picture and I'm like,

[1:05:20] they made a movie where the heroes are the Nazis?

[1:05:22] And I finally watched it a couple years ago and I'm like,

[1:05:25] there's good stuff for this movie but I'm still not quite sure why they made this movie.

[1:05:28] Yeah, yeah, it's crazy.

[1:05:29] Because then there's like some of the kind of pulpier westerns.

[1:05:33] Like Winchester 73 is a fun kind of adventure western where this one gun is kind of going through different hands.

[1:05:40] But it's like what do you mean by pulp basically?

[1:05:43] Yeah.

[1:05:43] What counts?

[1:05:44] You know, but you can't go wrong with – I mean you can go wrong in terms of racial sensitivity.

[1:05:49] But with movies like King Kong or Ganga Din or The Man Who Would Be King or those Errol Flynn or Burt LeCaster pirate movies,

[1:05:56] The Adventures of Robin Hood is such a fun one.

[1:05:58] And it's so beautiful.

[1:05:59] It's so colorful, you know.

[1:06:01] John Carter or Mars.

[1:06:03] Yeah.

[1:06:03] Okay.

[1:06:04] I think it's just called John Carter.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:05] I call it of Mars.

[1:06:07] Not in my household.

[1:06:10] Okay.

[1:06:11] So and we have another letter here, the final letter.

[1:06:15] It's from Quinn, last name withheld.

[1:06:16] I want to say one thing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:17] I wrote this in an email to myself and I had started with old pulpy adventure movies,

[1:06:21] but it autocorrected to old puppy adventure movies.

[1:06:25] Old yeller.

[1:06:27] It's not really an adventure.

[1:06:28] It's in the title though.

[1:06:29] There's some adventures in there.

[1:06:30] I guess so.

[1:06:31] Yeah.

[1:06:31] This is the greatest adventure.

[1:06:34] The voyage to the undiscovered continent.

[1:06:36] Yeah.

[1:06:36] You see.

[1:06:36] Undiscovered country.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:37] White shores.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:41] This is from Quinn, last name withheld, who writes – this letter is titled,

[1:06:46] two comments and a question.

[1:06:48] Dear peaches.

[1:06:48] All right.

[1:06:49] To Elliot, happy birthday.

[1:06:52] To Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:53] As of the recording of this, my birthday was a month ago, but I'll take it.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:55] To Dan, your clumsy tongue delights me.

[1:06:58] Don't ever change.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:59] To stew.

[1:07:00] That's what she said about Dan's clumsy tongue.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:03] Okay.

[1:07:04] To stew.

[1:07:05] What kind of Bloody Mary mix do you use at your bars?

[1:07:08] Much love.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:09] Oh, I mean, I think it's – we can't leave it to the bartender to just kind of whip it up,

[1:07:15] but it is generally, you know, tomato juice, hot sauce, soy sauce, lemon juice, salt.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:24] So, you don't use a mix, though.

[1:07:26] You use it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:26] No, we make it fresh.

[1:07:28] The one thing I almost always insist on is I think the best way to make a Bloody Mary is to throw a splash of Guinness in there as well,

[1:07:37] because it adds a little bit of, like, meatiness to it, a little bit of umami.

[1:07:42] Okay.

[1:07:43] Well –

[1:07:43] Tastes like breakfast.

[1:07:45] Learned an important tip.

[1:07:46] I don't think umami is the right word, but, like, a little bit of, you know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:49] I mean, it's that kind of, like, meaty richness.

[1:07:51] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:07:52] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:54] So, let's go on to the final segment, which is recommendations, movies that you'd be better served watching than Breidheart.

[1:08:02] Yeah, real quick, Dan.

[1:08:03] You can't recommend Breidheart.

[1:08:05] Okay.

[1:08:06] This is going to be hard then.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:07] It's difficult, yeah.

[1:08:09] You vlogged it, like, five times in your letterbox.

[1:08:13] Like that time my brother and I rented ski school and watched – or ski patrol.

[1:08:17] Sorry, we weren't allowed to rent ski school.

[1:08:19] We rented ski patrol and, like, watched it, like, seven times in a weekend.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:23] Yeah, you're just in – you're just really into the idea of patrolling.

[1:08:26] Yeah.

[1:08:27] Just, like, sort of being orderly.

[1:08:31] This is a movie that doesn't need my critical support because it's been getting plenty, but I will say it's the movie that I saw recently that I enjoyed the most.

[1:08:40] So, I'm recommending it.

[1:08:41] It's Marty Supreme.

[1:08:42] Saw it yesterday.

[1:08:45] It was – I mean, it's just, like, kind of an electric movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:51] Oh, it's not one of those analog candlelit movies where you have to crank it while you're watching?

[1:08:56] Yeah, like fucking Nosferatu.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:58] It crackles with energy.

[1:09:00] It is 150 minutes long.

[1:09:02] I did not feel the length.

[1:09:03] I felt the length of the –

[1:09:05] Oh, you'll feel it.

[1:09:05] You know, 90-minute-ish Breidheart much more.

[1:09:09] Yeah.

[1:09:10] Or what about Dr. Doodle?

[1:09:11] It's the same runtime.

[1:09:14] It's just – it's filled with surprises.

[1:09:17] It's filled with, like, interesting faces.

[1:09:20] Like, the cast of this as well.

[1:09:22] Like, in supporting roles, you have Abel Ferrara is in it as an actor.

[1:09:28] Like, Fran Drescher shows up.

[1:09:30] Penn Jillette shows up.

[1:09:32] Like, interesting choices.

[1:09:34] But, like – and at the center of it, just, like, Timothee Chalamet, you know, early on in his career, I was like, who's this mouse man who's taking America by storm?

[1:09:44] I wasn't necessarily a believer.

[1:09:47] And now I'm a full convert.

[1:09:49] He is one of our great actors now.

[1:09:52] It is a really just terrific movie filled with energy and stress as Safdie movies tend to be.

[1:10:02] This is Josh Safdie alone.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:04] On stress levels, where would it sit in the Good Time and Uncut Gems pantheon?

Dan McCoy

[1:10:10] I mean, less than Uncut Gems.

[1:10:14] Maybe more than Good Time.

[1:10:17] Good Time's pretty stressed out.

[1:10:19] But, like, the skill of the director has increased.

[1:10:23] So, you know.

[1:10:23] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:25] He can ratchet it up.

[1:10:26] I'm going to recommend a movie I saw – this was the last movie I saw in the theater of 2025.

[1:10:33] And, boy, it was a banger.

[1:10:35] That's right.

[1:10:35] No Other Choice by Park Chan-wook.

[1:10:39] Arguably my most anticipated movie of the year.

[1:10:41] And it delivers.

[1:10:43] I have loved – I mean, I've loved all his movies, but I feel like he's on such a tear.

[1:10:50] This is a movie about a man who works for a paper company who unceremoniously loses his job.

[1:11:00] And is forced to try and get a new job.

[1:11:04] And his only option, of course, is to kill his other competitors for his same job.

[1:11:11] Despite the fact that they were all winners of the Pulp Man Award for being the Pulp Man of the year.

[1:11:18] And it's like this – his last two movies particularly have been such, like, Hitchcockian thrillers.

[1:11:25] But there's also so much stuff going on underneath.

[1:11:27] I feel like I love how Park Chan-wook's movies, like, lately specifically, have this, like, sheen of civility that is – like, there's just, like, boiling emotions underneath that then explode.

[1:11:42] And he – as a craftsman, his movies have become so interesting with the way the camera moves and the way he does, like, dissolves and overlays.

[1:11:52] It's just such a great – like, it's both a fun thriller.

[1:11:56] It also feels very timely and of the moment with AI coming for all of our jobs.

[1:12:02] And, yeah, it's great.

[1:12:05] I loved it.

[1:12:06] No other choice.

[1:12:06] Check it out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:07] I haven't gotten to see really any new movies lately.

[1:12:12] And I haven't seen a lot that I was really into.

[1:12:15] I've had to watch some Flophouse movies.

[1:12:17] But those would be terrible to recommend.

[1:12:20] Brideheart was one of them.

[1:12:21] So instead, I was like, what's a funny movie that has a wedding in it that's genuinely funny?

[1:12:27] So I'm just going to recommend The Palm Beach Story, a movie that has two wedding scenes in them.

[1:12:32] I guess they're pretty short.

[1:12:34] They're very short.

[1:12:34] But it's just a really funny movie.

[1:12:36] It's a Preston Sturgis movie.

[1:12:37] Claudette Colpere.

[1:12:38] Joel McRae.

[1:12:39] Mary Astor's in it.

[1:12:40] Rudy Valli's in it.

[1:12:42] It's super funny.

[1:12:43] I don't want to tell you what happens in it because I think part of the fun of it is recognizing that the plot is not super important to a certain extent.

[1:12:51] But it's really funny.

[1:12:52] If you want to watch a funny movie that also has a wedding in it, watch The Palm Beach Story.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:58] Well, that's the show.

[1:13:01] And we should sign off because we've got more to do.

[1:13:05] There's a peek behind the curtain.

[1:13:06] Tonight we've got Flop TV.

[1:13:08] So let's close up shop on this episode.

[1:13:14] Turn out the lights.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:15] Take down the circus tent.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:17] Wipe off the grease paint.

[1:13:18] Yeah.

[1:13:20] Wipe the grease paint off the circus tent.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:23] Why do we put all that grease paint on the circus tent?

Dan McCoy

[1:13:26] I want to thank our network, Maximum Fun.

[1:13:29] Go to MaximumFun.org.

[1:13:31] There's a lot of other great shows.

[1:13:34] More all the time.

[1:13:35] Check them out.

[1:13:36] It's a wonderful place.

[1:13:39] It's a worker-owned co-op.

[1:13:41] It's one of the few ethical places you can send your money, I say, as we approach MaxFunDrive.

[1:13:49] In my various businesses.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:52] I don't know.

[1:13:54] Beat Dan's ass.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:57] And I want to thank Alex Smith, our producer.

[1:14:00] He does a lot of great creative work on his own.

[1:14:04] He makes music under the name Howl Dottie.

[1:14:06] He also does a podcast under the name Howl Dottie, where he talks to a giant possum.

[1:14:12] It's very funny.

[1:14:14] Check that out.

[1:14:15] But for the Flop Us, I've been Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:17] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:14:19] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:14:20] Okay.

[1:14:21] See you in the bride pages.

[1:14:24] How'd that work?

[1:14:25] I guess that works.

[1:14:26] Perfect.

[1:14:27] A plus.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:34] I think sometimes people like the seed of our pants.

[1:14:37] Oh, yeah.

[1:14:38] I'm into it.

[1:14:39] Yeah.

[1:14:39] I'm into it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:40] Dan, we know you love the seed of certain people's pants.

[1:14:42] Mm-hmm.

[1:14:43] Why?

[1:14:44] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:47] I got so specific.

[1:14:49] Oh, okay.

[1:14:49] Mm-hmm.

[1:14:50] The lore.

[1:14:51] The butt lore.

[1:14:52] Okay.

[1:14:53] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:53] Do you think there's ever a situation where Dan's like, ooh, check out that keister?

[1:14:58] Wait a minute.

[1:14:58] No wedding ring.

[1:14:59] I'm out of here.

[1:15:00] No ring.

[1:15:01] No thank you.

[1:15:02] Red flag.

[1:15:05] He's really in it more for the fantasy.

[1:15:07] That butt can't commit.

[1:15:08] Speaking of butts, I was really.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:10] Dan, that is a butt that can't quit and can't commit.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:13] Speaking of butts, I've been excited to talk a lot about Heated Rivalry, the hockey show.

[1:15:19] We cannot stop talking about this.

[1:15:20] The hockey butts.

[1:15:21] I haven't seen it.

[1:15:21] What I really hope is that somewhere there exists, like, dads who are just really into hockey,

[1:15:30] who are like, well, it's a show about hockey.

[1:15:32] I'll watch it.

[1:15:33] There's a little too much sex for me, but, you know, there's some good hockey.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:36] Let me ask one David E. Kalin what his feelings are about it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:40] Yeah.

[1:15:41] I genuinely am interested.

[1:15:42] Yeah.

[1:15:43] Maybe that'll be.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:43] It brings it up so much, I'm like, are you discovering something about yourself, Stuart?

[1:15:46] What is this?

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:47] Oh, Dan, I think Stuart's been on this discovery quest for quite a while now.

[1:15:52] Mm-hmm.

[1:15:55] Free quest.

[1:15:58] What a TV show that was.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:00] What a series of young adult books.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:02] Yeah.

[1:16:03] It's a TV show based on a series of young adult books.

[1:16:06] It's a PBS show.

[1:16:07] It's educational where young people go to different locations around the world and different times

[1:16:11] to learn about Stuart's more and more ambiguous sexuality.

[1:16:16] Okay.

[1:16:17] I just love blasting is all.

[1:16:19] Yeah.

[1:16:19] You don't care, Lou.

[1:16:21] I'm just happy to see someone get some.

[1:16:23] You're just like X-Force's Cannonball.

[1:16:25] You know, as long as he's blasting, he's nigh invulnerable.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:29] Okay.

[1:16:29] Well, we've warmed up plenty.

[1:16:31] Let's.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:32] Like X-Force's Cannonball.

[1:16:33] Yeah.

[1:16:34] I guess technically he's pretty warm, right?

[1:16:36] Yeah.

[1:16:36] I mean.

[1:16:37] Do they ever address how warm he gets inside his little forest bubble?

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:40] I don't think they do.

[1:16:40] Well, the fact that his, from the waist down, he just becomes flame and smoke when he's blasting,

[1:16:44] you know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:44] It's pretty cool.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:45] Yeah.

[1:16:45] He's pretty warm.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:46] So can he pee while he's blasting?

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:49] That's a good question.

[1:16:50] I asked that at sex ed, but the teacher got mad at me and kicked me out.

[1:16:55] Maximum Fun.

[1:16:56] A worker-owned network.

S4

[1:16:58] Of artist-owned shows.

[1:17:00] Supported.

[1:17:00] Directly.

[1:17:01] By you.

Bride Hard

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