FH Mini 118 – Getting to Know Stu

[0:00] Hi, floppers, before we start this episode,

[0:02] I just wanted to remind you,

[0:03] we are in the middle of Flop TV season two.

[0:06] That's right, the one hour internet televised

[0:08] Flophouse TV show is here for you

[0:11] the first Saturday of every month through February.

[0:14] Just go to theflophouse.simpletics.com

[0:17] and get your tickets or season pass

[0:19] for this all new Flophouse TV stuff.

[0:22] We're covering movies we've never covered before.

[0:24] We've got video segments, it's amazing.

[0:27] Just go to theflophouse.simpletics.com

[0:29] for Flop TV season two.

[0:31] This time it's personal.

[0:33] Hey, everyone, and welcome to a Flophouse mini.

[0:41] Of course, as you know, normally this is a podcast

[0:45] where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[0:47] But on the weeks in between those weeks,

[0:50] we just kind of do whatever in these Flophouse minis.

[0:53] Now for this one, Ellie couldn't be here.

[0:57] What?

[0:58] Has some important business on the moon or something.

[1:02] I don't know, I don't know what the,

[1:03] you know, he's got, I don't know, some other funny thing.

[1:07] Some other business on the moon.

[1:10] Sampling cheese, he could not be here.

[1:14] So this is a rare occasion.

[1:17] It's just the two of us.

[1:19] Oh, wow.

[1:19] Me, Dan McCoy, and you.

[1:21] Stuart Wellington.

[1:22] And because we don't usually have this

[1:25] intimate one-on-one time.

[1:27] That's true, yeah.

[1:28] I thought what better time to get to know

[1:30] my old friend Stuart.

[1:32] Oh, wow.

[1:33] In a segment I call Getting to Know Stu,

[1:36] Getting to Know All About Stu.

[1:38] Because normally when we spend time together,

[1:40] it's usually at a movie and we're not allowed to talk.

[1:45] Yeah, or it's afterwards where we're mostly talking

[1:48] about the movie we saw.

[1:50] That's true, yeah, yeah.

[1:51] Describing a lot of male friendships here.

[1:55] It's funny, though, because it's funny you bring up movies

[1:59] because this is primarily a movie podcast.

[2:01] Although.

[2:02] That's true.

[2:03] Although I'm getting to know you with some questions,

[2:06] all the questions I'm going to ask you today

[2:08] actually are famous movie quotes that are questions.

[2:11] Wow, okay.

[2:13] A little extra wrinkle.

[2:14] So to begin this Getting to Know You segment.

[2:20] Getting to Know Stu segment, yeah.

[2:21] Getting to Know Stu.

[2:23] Stuart, you talking to me?

[2:27] You talking to me?

[2:30] Yeah, I mean, there's no one else here,

[2:32] so I must be talking to you.

[2:34] There's two microphones, one for each of us.

[2:37] Yeah, yep, that's who I'm talking to.

[2:39] I'm talking to Dan McCoy, everybody.

[2:41] Thank you.

[2:42] And you, the listeners.

[2:43] For identifying me.

[2:46] Second question I'd like to ask you.

[2:50] What's up, Doc?

[2:52] That's, I mean, I've been thinking about that a lot, Dan.

[2:57] What's up, Doc?

[2:58] The thing is that it's weird because I don't think,

[3:07] I don't think I've ever asked an actual doctor

[3:09] that question.

[3:10] And I feel like that's the sort of thing that like,

[3:13] they probably get asked all the time.

[3:15] Like everybody, like whenever the doctor comes

[3:17] into the waiting room or the examination room,

[3:21] how many dads are like, what's up, Doc?

[3:24] Yeah, I mean, certainly if a dad has a child

[3:28] who becomes a doctor, that's a goldmine.

[3:30] Oh my God, yeah.

[3:31] I mean, not only do they get all the bragging rights

[3:34] at their, I don't know, fantasy baseball league,

[3:37] what are they?

[3:38] Canasta game.

[3:39] Yep.

[3:40] A lot of-

[3:41] Those are elderly parents.

[3:42] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[3:43] A lot of what, baby boomer parents are playing Canasta

[3:47] until their hearts collapse under a weight of,

[3:52] I don't know, red meat and a lifetime of cognac

[3:56] and red meat consumption.

[3:57] Yeah, well, I mean, I'm not sure we got an answer

[3:59] to what's up, Doc, but we can-

[4:01] We did our best, yeah.

[4:02] Move along.

[4:03] Okay, well, I got another question for you, Stuart.

[4:07] Why so serious?

[4:10] I mean, that's a good question.

[4:11] I mean, Dan, have you been paying attention

[4:14] to the news lately?

[4:15] I've actually been trying not to.

[4:17] Not to, yeah, that's arguably the healthier option

[4:20] right now.

[4:21] Cutting down.

[4:22] I would also say part of the reason why I'm so serious

[4:26] is because I'm the eldest of two sons.

[4:30] I'm the more responsible of two brothers.

[4:33] I was a soccer goalkeeper.

[4:36] That was the position, and I played a fairly high level

[4:38] up until college.

[4:40] You're saying that's a position of responsibility.

[4:42] It's a position of responsibility

[4:43] because I'm responsible.

[4:45] If the other team scores, no matter what,

[4:48] I still feel like it was my fault.

[4:50] Yeah.

[4:53] So I've always been one to volunteer

[4:56] and take responsibility for things

[4:57] and then feel bad about things.

[5:00] Do you think you've internalized

[5:01] that sort of soccer goalkeeper mentality of yours?

[5:05] Like, it's almost like life is the ball,

[5:09] and I'm trying to keep life from,

[5:11] wait, now, let me change that.

[5:12] Hold on.

[5:13] Life is the ball, and life is the net, the goal.

[5:16] I'm not sure about that,

[5:17] because I heard that life is like a box of chocolates,

[5:19] and I don't think it can be two things.

[5:21] Is that one of your later questions,

[5:23] or is that just a quotable you've pulled up in there?

[5:26] It's not a quotable.

[5:28] I've noted it, and I quoted it.

[5:31] Okay, well, that's good to know.

[5:32] Here's an actual incisive question here.

[5:38] If you work for a living, why do you kill yourself working?

[5:43] Oh, man.

[5:44] What movie is that from?

[5:45] That's from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

[5:46] Oh, that's, I assumed it was like Empire Records

[5:50] or some shit.

[5:51] Sure.

[5:52] Oh, so-

[5:53] If you work for a living,

[5:54] why do you kill yourself working?

[5:56] I mean, that's-

[5:57] If you work for a living,

[5:58] why do you kill yourself working?

[6:00] Oh, I think the emphasis really helped on that one.

[6:03] Thank you, and the facial expression.

[6:04] I would say, for me, me, Stuart,

[6:09] why, if I work for a living,

[6:10] the thing is is that I am in the rarefied position

[6:14] to get to do kind of the job that I want

[6:18] and be my own boss,

[6:19] which not a lot of people are lucky enough to do.

[6:23] And so, at least if I'm killing myself working,

[6:27] I'm like working, doing a job that I like

[6:30] or jobs that I like, for the most part.

[6:34] And it's for myself.

[6:36] So at least, like, I don't know,

[6:39] I'm not working to enrich someone else.

[6:41] Yeah.

[6:42] And now, I don't want to depress anyone.

[6:44] This is, admittedly, it's a good idea, this premise,

[6:48] but it can get a little thin.

[6:49] So I will ask a few follow-up questions

[6:51] that are not actually movie quotes.

[6:54] I mean, if all your follow-up questions were movie quotes,

[6:57] I would be fucking very impressed.

[7:02] Yeah, do you like that you do a thing that you,

[7:05] I mean, obviously, it's better to do a thing that you enjoy

[7:08] than to not do a thing you enjoy.

[7:10] But on the other hand,

[7:12] I have found that one problem with doing something

[7:14] you love is you slowly stop loving the thing

[7:17] that you're doing because it's work.

[7:19] I mean, that's a good point.

[7:20] Like, I try to keep a couple of things,

[7:22] a couple of my hobbies somewhat separate.

[7:27] But the big thing is that I know that no matter what,

[7:33] I have a tendency to take the job I have seriously,

[7:38] and I would, as I said before,

[7:41] I am likely to volunteer for responsibility.

[7:44] And with that responsibility comes like

[7:46] taking your work home with you.

[7:47] And I feel like if I was doing something that I didn't like,

[7:51] I would be taking a shitty thing home with me.

[7:53] Yeah.

[7:55] And I would be stressed out about it all the time

[8:00] for no good reason.

[8:01] At least when I'm stressed out about things,

[8:02] I can be like, well, I'm stressed out for a good reason.

[8:05] No, it's true.

[8:06] Of the choices, it's better.

[8:08] I think there's part of me that the longer I do stuff

[8:12] like this, I forget how miserable I was doing other stuff.

[8:15] And I romanticize the idea of like,

[8:17] well, what if I had a job I didn't have to care about?

[8:19] Yeah, I mean, I think that's the thing, right?

[8:20] Like, it's similar to like the,

[8:24] like thinking back like, oh man,

[8:25] I wish I could go back to a time where I had more time

[8:28] to like hang out with my buddies

[8:30] and play role-playing games all night.

[8:32] But the thing is that I didn't have

[8:33] any responsibilities then.

[8:35] And I like having those.

[8:37] I like having things.

[8:39] I like having people to rely on me.

[8:41] I like having, you know,

[8:43] I like feeling like I'm supporting people

[8:46] and that I'm helping people.

[8:49] Yeah, so that's, and that's the thing is, Dan,

[8:52] we do make jokes about the fact that

[8:55] you won't enjoy a job that you hate

[8:58] and you also won't, you'll be sad when you get a job you love.

[9:02] Yeah, here's a question for you

[9:05] and maybe this doesn't apply, but,

[9:11] that's a subtitle for this whole episode.

[9:14] Maybe this doesn't apply, but,

[9:16] have you checked the children?

[9:20] I mean, I, you know, I'm pretty hip,

[9:25] although I feel like I'm reaching the stage where I don't,

[9:29] by check the children you mean,

[9:30] am I staying up with the younger generation?

[9:33] Let's say that because, you know, there's no other-

[9:35] As a man with no children and no intention to breed

[9:38] or bring children into this dying planet,

[9:42] not to get too heavy, but I, the younger generation,

[9:47] I mean, I was a little bit,

[9:48] this recent election was a little bit of a wake-up call.

[9:51] I didn't quite realize how generally conservative

[9:55] or how that there is a conservative streak

[9:57] amongst the younger generation.

[10:00] I feel like there's a lot of media out there

[10:03] designed to radicalize people, I think.

[10:05] I think you're right, you're correct.

[10:07] I'm not trying to, I think there's,

[10:09] I think I had this like weird optimism

[10:12] that like everybody younger than me

[10:14] is going to be like pushing,

[10:17] trying to push for a better world as opposed to not.

[10:21] But, I don't know, I think more and more I hear music

[10:27] and I'm like, who the fuck is this?

[10:31] Why am I supposed to know who this famous person is?

[10:33] Why is this person famous?

[10:34] I was gonna bring this up

[10:35] because I thought it was very funny recently.

[10:37] The degree to which you seemed angry,

[10:39] not at the person at all,

[10:41] but like angry like at the world of like,

[10:44] wait, am I supposed to know who Chapel Rowan is?

[10:46] Like, the thing is like, as Audrey and I told you,

[10:49] like she became famous extremely fast.

[10:51] She like became famous literally

[10:53] within the course of her tour

[10:55] and then had to, you know,

[10:56] had problems dealing with it that I respect,

[10:58] you know, like just like,

[11:00] but it was very funny to me.

[11:01] I'm like, well, oh, oh, oh, Stewart's hitting it.

[11:04] I'm hitting the old.

[11:05] The thing, the part of it is,

[11:06] I think part of it is that a lot of the time,

[11:08] like it's because a lot of the way

[11:11] that I encounter these things,

[11:13] a lot of the way that the information gets to me

[11:14] is through a platform like Twitter.

[11:17] So, I mean, I'm seeing the like Stan culture

[11:22] and there's a,

[11:25] I feel like there's a disconnect in my brain

[11:27] because all of a sudden the only thing

[11:29] I'm hearing about a person are people

[11:31] who are huge, like wild fans of them.

[11:35] And I'm like, oh, wow, this must be something,

[11:39] this must be like a cultural force

[11:41] that I could never even comprehend.

[11:43] And then when I experienced, I'm like, oh yeah,

[11:44] that's, it's a pop star, that's cool.

[11:46] Yeah.

[11:47] Like, I'm no real critical complaint here.

[11:51] I'm just like, and yeah, a lot of times it feels

[11:55] like it's things that are happening very fast.

[11:57] Also, or like, I just saw the ad

[11:59] for like the country music awards

[12:01] and I'm just hearing names and I'm like,

[12:02] I've heard of none of these people.

[12:05] No, that's, it's almost like a fucking bit for me

[12:08] at this point where I'm like,

[12:10] and that's not a critique of them, it's a critique.

[12:12] I'm like, wow, I've heard none of these names.

[12:15] This all, these all could be made up.

[12:17] This all could be a joke.

[12:19] I mean, like, this is sort of topical

[12:21] to the month we're recording in, November,

[12:24] but it's a fun thing that I think happens for me every year

[12:29] with the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade,

[12:31] where I'm like, when they list the names up top,

[12:33] I'm like, okay, I mean, do I not know these

[12:36] because they're like so new and hot

[12:38] or do I not know these because these are the people

[12:40] that the weird grab bag of people

[12:42] that the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade gets,

[12:45] like some of whom.

[12:46] It's Snoopy, Dan.

[12:47] You know who Snoopy is.

[12:48] Oh, you mean Joe Cool?

[12:49] Yeah, oh, whoa, they let Joe Cool be in the parade?

[12:53] I know.

[12:55] Let's see, okay, well, here's a question for you.

[12:57] Okay, yeah, yeah, shoot.

[12:58] What's the most you've ever lost on a coin toss?

[13:03] That's actually, man, that's actually a question

[13:06] I'm gonna have to look at.

[13:08] I feel like I don't-

[13:09] Deep records?

[13:10] I do, yeah, yeah, I have a little binder.

[13:13] I'm trying to think if I,

[13:17] I've never been much of a gambler.

[13:19] Have you been a gambler?

[13:19] Do you?

[13:21] No, I find it stressful and upsetting,

[13:26] the idea of doing, I mean, if I did win,

[13:31] I know that I would probably then become too into it

[13:38] and lose more than I want.

[13:39] Like, the only gambling I've ever done

[13:41] is there have been a couple times I've been to Vegas

[13:43] and I did what people said,

[13:45] which is like, set aside, like, this is a certain amount

[13:48] that you are absolutely willing to lose

[13:51] and you know that it's just a tax you're paying

[13:53] to the idea of doing some gambling while you're in Vegas

[13:57] and then stop.

[13:58] And, you know, it's not-

[13:58] Yeah, but what about those NFTs you invested in?

[14:01] Well, those, Stuart, that's not a gamble.

[14:04] Those are just appreciated value.

[14:05] Yeah, and you're more of an art collector.

[14:08] Yeah, I feel like I, when it comes to,

[14:11] I feel, first off, I have to say,

[14:13] like, of all the addictions out there,

[14:15] I feel like, for some reason,

[14:16] I find, like, gambling addictions to be the worst.

[14:20] Well, I mean, it's certainly one of the quicker ways

[14:23] to ruin your, I mean, like, alcoholism obviously is bad,

[14:26] but, you know, it'll take a while, you know,

[14:29] whereas gambling-

[14:30] And what a ride.

[14:31] Very quickly.

[14:33] I don't, yeah, it's not one that I've, like,

[14:36] there's, like, upsides to other addictions

[14:38] that I don't quite understand with gambling.

[14:40] Yeah, I mean, I guess maybe I just haven't gotten the rush,

[14:44] you know? Yeah.

[14:45] When it comes to gambling, I like the activity-based stuff,

[14:50] but I'm not a, I wouldn't, I don't know if, like,

[14:54] I wouldn't, I'm not a, like, a card,

[14:56] not really a card player unless it's got, like,

[15:00] fantasy characters on the cards.

[15:02] I'm not a slot machine person.

[15:04] I like craps because it's, like, an activity

[15:06] where, like, everybody's standing around the table,

[15:08] like, shouting.

[15:10] Well, you probably wouldn't bet on a coin toss

[15:12] because it lacks a certain verve as a game.

[15:15] That's true.

[15:16] Again, like, unless those coins, like, look really cool

[15:19] or there's, like, they have, like, characters involved.

[15:21] Yeah.

[15:22] But that's, like, a JoJo's Bizarre Adventure-type character.

[15:25] Well, here's a good question for you, Stuart.

[15:26] Yeah, please.

[15:27] Let's really dig into it. Fire away.

[15:30] Dig into the deep stuff.

[15:32] I want to ask you, who are you going to call?

[15:36] I mean, on Sundays, I call my parents,

[15:40] setting up a weekly phone call with them

[15:42] has been very good for the structure of our relationship.

[15:45] Outside of that, not a lot of people.

[15:47] I don't like to make phone calls.

[15:48] I feel like that's, do you remember, like,

[15:51] when I was, what, like, a teenager

[15:56] up through, what, like, 20 or so,

[15:58] which is, I guess, the definition of teenager,

[16:01] I, like, I would call my friends all the fucking time.

[16:04] Yeah.

[16:04] And now, if one of my friends called me,

[16:06] I'm like, who died?

[16:08] Yeah, other than my parents,

[16:12] I would say that the last time I spent a long time

[16:15] on a phone call with anyone,

[16:17] and I'm going to sound very old

[16:19] because I'm going to use the word courting,

[16:21] was when Audrey and I were courting.

[16:23] Yeah.

[16:24] But, like, you know, I was away during Christmas,

[16:27] back home, we had just gotten together.

[16:30] That was the last time there was an extended phone call

[16:33] to anyone who was not my folks, I think.

[16:36] Yeah, unless you count, like, Zoom calls for the podcast,

[16:40] which I don't.

[16:42] I mean, I guess this podcast is kind of a phone call

[16:45] to all of you listeners out there.

[16:47] I guess.

[16:48] One-sided, it's more like you have, like,

[16:51] the wires have crossed and you're listening in

[16:52] on someone else's phone call.

[16:54] Like a frequency situation, yeah.

[16:56] Yeah, well, here's a question for you,

[16:59] and, you know, I'm a little concerned.

[17:01] Sure.

[17:02] What is your major malfunction, numbnuts?

[17:05] Oh, yeah.

[17:06] Well, that's fair.

[17:08] I mean, numbnuts, that's a classic put down,

[17:10] and it's one that I, it's a title that I wear

[17:12] with a certain fatalistic pride.

[17:16] To keep your nuts really numb.

[17:18] To keep them numb.

[17:20] It's because my underpants are too constricting,

[17:22] and it cuts off the circulation.

[17:25] So, what is my major malfunction?

[17:27] Let's see.

[17:30] I just, like, I would say my major malfunction

[17:34] is that I just care too much.

[17:36] Okay.

[17:37] I mean, you've got the job, Stuart.

[17:38] You're already my co-host.

[17:40] You don't need to.

[17:40] Oh, yeah, okay.

[17:41] Yeah, but, yeah, I'm just like,

[17:44] I just, like, I take my work home with me, and like.

[17:46] It's too cool.

[17:47] Yeah, I'm too cool.

[17:49] Like, I'm too professional sometimes.

[17:52] All right, all right.

[17:53] Well, maybe we'll revisit that in the future.

[17:57] Just one more question before we take a brief break,

[18:00] of course.

[18:01] Sure, of course.

[18:03] What's in the box?

[18:05] What's in the box?

[18:06] I would say hope.

[18:09] Oh, the thing with feathers.

[18:12] Yeah.

[18:13] All right, well, we're gonna take a little break

[18:15] for sponsors, for some Flophouse business,

[18:19] and we'll be right back.

[18:21] All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

[18:27] Let's learn everything.

[18:28] So, let's do a quick progress check.

[18:30] Have we learned about quantum physics?

[18:33] Yes, episode 59.

[18:34] We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet,

[18:36] have we?

[18:37] Yes, we have.

[18:38] Same episode, actually.

[18:39] Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

[18:42] Episode 64.

[18:43] So, how close are we to learning everything?

[18:46] Bad news.

[18:47] We still haven't learned everything yet.

[18:49] Oh, we're ruined.

[18:52] No, no, no, it's good news as well.

[18:53] There is still a lot to learn.

[18:56] I'm Dr. Ella Hubber.

[18:58] I'm regular Tom Lum.

[18:59] I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything,

[19:01] we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

[19:04] And although we haven't learned everything yet,

[19:06] I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

[19:09] Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

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[20:45] You know, my family has a text chain, actually it's a messenger chain.

[20:53] I sent them a lot of photos of our, what do you call it, a vacation.

[20:59] That's what we did, we had a little vacation.

[21:01] I sent my parents photos on there because I know that they don't check Instagram,

[21:06] and they were delighted to see them, but are they going to go back and check those photos again

[21:11] to see their loved ones having fun out there in the world?

[21:14] No, but if you put them in an Aura digital frame, then they're there, they'll pop up,

[21:19] they'll look over, they'll smile.

[21:20] It's the perfect way to share your life with family when you're away from your family.

[21:25] So save on the perfect gift by visiting AuraFrames.com

[21:30] to get $35 off Aura's best-selling Carver mat frames by using promo code FLOP,

[21:38] FLOP at checkout, that's A-U-R-A frames.com, promo code FLOP.

[21:44] This deal is exclusive to listeners, so get yours now in time for the holidays.

[21:49] Terms and conditions apply.

[21:52] And now, some Flophouse-specific plugs.

[21:57] We're going to be back in San Francisco for San Francisco Sketch Fest in January,

[22:03] which is going to be just a little more than a month away as you hear this.

[22:07] We'll be there on Sunday, January 19, 2025, performing at Cobb's Comedy Club at 7 p.m.

[22:16] And breaking news, we've decided on the film, we'll be discussing Cutthroat Island,

[22:22] the legendary flop that killed pirate movies until Pirates of the Caribbean briefly revived them

[22:28] before killing them again brutally.

[22:31] So if you want tickets to see us do our usual hilarious presentations,

[22:35] hilarious, hilarious, guys, hilarious.

[22:38] It's right here in what I wrote down, so it must be true.

[22:40] The presentations are hilarious.

[22:43] And talk about Cutthroat Island, go to sfsketchfest.com for tickets.

[22:51] And meanwhile, if you don't like leaving the comfort of your home,

[22:55] you can still see us quote-unquote live on Flop TV.

[23:00] The next live stream will be on January the 4th when we discuss Ski School 2 at 6 p.m. Pacific,

[23:08] 9 p.m. Eastern, appropriate for the season.

[23:11] Winter, we'll be talking skiing, the bane of my knee.

[23:16] Tickets at theflophouse.sibiltix.com.

[23:20] But season pass holders can watch all of the previous shows on demand until the end of February.

[23:25] The most recent one we did was about Highlander 2.

[23:28] We had some tech issues live, but those have been edited out of the replay for smooth viewing.

[23:35] Apologies to those who were live.

[23:38] Thanks for sticking with us to see the unhinged special report that I contributed.

[23:43] Tickets again at theflophouse.sibiltix.com where they are $7 per show or get a season pass.

[23:51] With a price break, pay only $35 for all six shows.

[23:56] And one last thing, while I've got you, please go to flophousepodcast.com to sign up for our newsletter, Flop Secrets,

[24:05] which is the best way to keep up on all of our appearances and projects and to get extra content that's just for fun.

[24:13] The most recent one I gave my plane report.

[24:16] It has become established Flophouse lore thanks to the ribbing of my co-hosts that my favorite way to watch movies is on a plane.

[24:25] And thus, in honor of that, I was on a plane recently.

[24:28] I thought it would be fun to give a full rundown and review of the media I consumed.

[24:33] And that is the sort of useless, hopefully mildly amusing nonsense you can get in the Flop Secrets newsletter along with useful nonsense about our projects.

[24:41] So, again, go to flophousepodcast.com, plug your email into the field that says newsletter, and enjoy getting something extra delivered to your inbox twice a month.

[24:54] Now, back to my intimate one-on-one with Stuart Wellington.

[24:59] And we're back.

[25:01] We're, of course, getting to know Stu.

[25:03] That's me.

[25:04] Getting to know all about Stu.

[25:06] Still me.

[25:07] With some movie-based questions.

[25:09] Sure.

[25:10] Some icebreakers.

[25:11] Cold from the movies.

[25:12] And here's a question.

[25:14] Yeah, this is a real Homicides the Box episode.

[25:19] Oh, that's what's in the box.

[25:20] Yeah.

[25:21] Okay.

[25:22] So, here's a question for you.

[25:24] Judge me by my size, do you?

[25:27] That's true.

[25:29] I mean, I don't think that's true, Dan.

[25:32] I don't judge you by your size.

[25:34] I like your size.

[25:38] Okay.

[25:39] I guess that's a judgment.

[25:40] So, no.

[25:44] I would say, no, I don't.

[25:46] And, in fact, I am disappointed that you would suggest that I would.

[25:50] Not even because I don't lift?

[25:52] You don't judge me by my size?

[25:55] No, not everyone lifts.

[25:57] It's not the life for everybody.

[25:59] Lifting weights is an activity that I like.

[26:02] It is an activity that also messes with my body dysmorphia.

[26:06] Because as I get bigger in the chest and shoulders, shirts don't fit.

[26:13] And I'm like, oh, no, am I gaining weight?

[26:16] Or when I had to change my style of pants because my thighs had gotten too big from squatting and dead lifting.

[26:23] But, you know, so, no, I don't judge people by their size.

[26:27] I mean, look, I know it's a psychological issue.

[26:30] I can't just tell you not to do that.

[26:32] Thank you.

[26:33] But don't worry about it, man.

[26:35] Here's a question.

[26:38] Oh, wait.

[26:39] I just should not worry about it?

[26:41] I fixed it, right?

[26:42] Oh, wow, yeah.

[26:43] I should just stop worrying about it.

[26:45] Look, it's an expression of concern and affection.

[26:49] Here's a question for you.

[26:52] And it's got a – there's a corollary question.

[26:55] First off, you want the truth?

[27:00] Here's a corollary follow-up.

[27:04] Do you think you can handle the truth?

[27:06] Well, that's – I think that's ultimately the thing.

[27:09] I can – I guess I – you know what?

[27:13] I think I can handle the truth, and I sometimes avoid it because, you know,

[27:19] it's not always easy to deal with harsh realities sometimes, certainly these days.

[27:28] But I feel like everyone can kind of handle the truth despite that.

[27:35] Like I feel like as much as we might want to avoid it or certainly might want to soften things

[27:40] when talking to somebody, I think we have a tendency to underestimate people's ability

[27:46] to handle difficult information.

[27:49] They can handle it.

[27:50] I would say that people are built a lot of the times, unfortunately, to try and avoid the truth.

[27:57] Yeah.

[27:58] But I think that – here's a bit of vaguely Eastern philosophy.

[28:05] Sure.

[28:06] Okay.

[28:07] You learned this at yoga.

[28:08] I think pain is caused by struggle.

[28:11] I think it's better to accept the truth, to steer into the truth than to try and push it away

[28:18] because it's always going to cause more trouble.

[28:20] Yeah.

[28:21] That's a good point.

[28:25] What?

[28:26] Oh, man.

[28:27] I got the quizzler on my hands.

[28:30] What is it that gives me joy?

[28:32] What is it that gives you joy?

[28:34] I would say some routine.

[28:40] I would say space to practice things that you are good at.

[28:48] I would say people who support you and make an effort to show you that you're meaningful to them.

[28:57] Yeah, I think that's a good start.

[29:01] You know, Stuart, this is a really dumb, thin idea that I came up with and yet like you're going to make me cry because I'm like,

[29:12] you know what?

[29:13] That's pretty incisive.

[29:16] You did a good job.

[29:17] Oh, bless you.

[29:20] Who's the fairest one of all?

[29:22] I mean, yeah, I mean, it's probably me.

[29:29] Oh, wow.

[29:30] I mean, I'm the one with the most in-depth skin care routine, I think.

[29:34] Sure.

[29:35] And I have, you know, that's and, you know, I spend a lot of money on my hair.

[29:44] You know, I'm staring at this question.

[29:46] I'm like thinking about the upsetting sort of racial implications of Snow White.

[29:52] Yes, yes.

[29:53] Snow White, and she's the fairest one of all.

[29:55] She's not the prettiest one of all.

[29:57] It is the fairness of her skin.

[29:59] Yeah.

[30:00] Yeah, that's true.

[30:01] Upsetting.

[30:01] Yeah, and my skin is fair

[30:03] because I sleep during the day

[30:06] and go out at night as a bartender.

[30:08] And what's fair is foul and foul is fair.

[30:11] Wow, you got me there, Dan.

[30:13] Finally got me.

[30:14] This ain't your old school.

[30:15] Okay, lock me up.

[30:17] Here's an important question.

[30:21] And you know it's important

[30:23] because it starts Archie's rubbing his face

[30:27] all over your empty kind bar rack.

[30:29] Yeah, he's like eight grams of protein.

[30:31] I'll be the judge of that.

[30:34] You know this is an important question

[30:35] because it starts with a plea to ask yourself a question.

[30:40] Yep.

[30:41] Do I feel lucky?

[30:43] Well, do you, punk?

[30:44] Well, I mean, I don't like being called a punk.

[30:48] Do I feel lucky?

[30:49] I mean, yeah, I do feel lucky.

[30:56] I have a lot of people in my life

[30:59] that love me and I feel supported

[31:01] and I get to do the job that I like to do

[31:04] and I'm lucky enough to have an audience,

[31:08] some of whom have already turned off this episode,

[31:10] but that's fine.

[31:11] They're Elliott fans.

[31:12] Yeah, they're Elliott fans, yeah.

[31:14] They're like, I wanna hear movies.

[31:16] I don't wanna hear this guy talk about his life.

[31:19] But yeah, I feel lucky.

[31:22] And you know what?

[31:23] I can handle being called a punk now and then.

[31:25] All right.

[31:27] So here's the next one is a,

[31:30] could you describe the ruckus, sir?

[31:36] Yeah, I mean, let's see.

[31:39] How would I describe the ruckus?

[31:43] Well, there would be hooting and hollering, of course.

[31:48] There would be pots clanging.

[31:53] There would be glass breaking, maybe chains rattling.

[31:58] Ooh, spooky.

[32:01] Floorboards creaking.

[32:04] Let's see, how else would I describe it?

[32:06] Wind whistling.

[32:09] Are you sure this isn't just a Halloween sound effects LP

[32:13] you're describing?

[32:14] A witch cackling.

[32:15] Okay, bubbling brew.

[32:17] Oh yeah, that's the craziest scary sound.

[32:21] Ooh, what's cooking?

[32:23] Is it me?

[32:24] My fucking tea's ready.

[32:26] This question is a sort of a biological sort of query.

[32:32] Okay, yeah.

[32:34] Do you know what happens to a toad

[32:37] when it's struck by lightning?

[32:39] That's actually a really good question.

[32:42] What happens to a toad when it's struck by lightning?

[32:46] I'd imagine something very unique and different

[32:49] than when something else gets struck by lightning.

[32:53] But I don't remember the exact answer.

[32:55] Maybe we'll have to turn on, what is that, X-Men?

[32:58] After X-Storm for that one?

[33:00] X-Men.

[33:01] You know, I read that apparently that was supposed to be,

[33:04] among other things, like there's been some talk of like,

[33:09] well, did she deliver it the best way for like that kind of,

[33:11] but among other things,

[33:13] that apparently was supposed to be the end of a runner

[33:16] of like toad was supposed to say a bunch of stuff.

[33:19] Like, you know what happens when a toad does this?

[33:21] And then that was like the punchline.

[33:24] And then all the setups got cut.

[33:26] No, that's too bad.

[33:27] Was Ray, what is it, Ray Park?

[33:30] Ray Park.

[33:32] I don't think he has any lines in that movie, huh?

[33:36] Maybe, I can't remember that.

[33:37] I don't remember the first X-Men well.

[33:39] I don't think I've seen it since back in the day.

[33:40] They didn't get people's hair from the wits

[33:41] to dub in all the lines?

[33:45] Here's a question that's, you know,

[33:47] this is sort of interesting because it's-

[33:49] Wait, where do you hear that news?

[33:50] Is there like a X-Men newsletter?

[33:53] Yeah, I have a Google alert for toad and lightning.

[33:56] No, I, you know, in the course-

[33:57] Was that like one of those like grocery store aisle,

[34:00] like Memorial issue, X-Men, the movie, all the facts.

[34:03] Where are they now?

[34:04] I cannot speak to the veracity

[34:07] or the opposite of this factoid.

[34:10] Like this is a factoid in the original sense of the word,

[34:14] which is the facts that may or may not be true.

[34:17] Yeah, listeners write in, tell us if this is true.

[34:21] In the course of looking around for questions

[34:22] for this episode, I came across that.

[34:27] This question is actually interesting

[34:28] because it's phrased in the negative.

[34:30] Oh, interesting, okay.

[34:32] Are you not entertained?

[34:38] No, I'm enjoying this process.

[34:40] I think this works.

[34:41] Wait, I think that's, wait, am I, did I double negative it?

[34:45] That's good, because I am intaking you for Scientology.

[34:49] Oh, no!

[34:51] That actually would, yeah, that would make sense.

[34:53] That would be amazing.

[34:54] Yeah.

[34:55] I mean, not good, but amazing.

[34:58] Yeah, go back and change all those.

[35:01] Okay, so you are entertained.

[35:02] That's good to-

[35:03] Yeah, I'm into it.

[35:05] Okay, well, I do have one final question

[35:08] before we close up the old movie question bag,

[35:14] and that is, I'm funny how?

[35:19] Funny like a clown?

[35:21] I amuse you?

[35:22] I make you laugh?

[35:23] I'm here to fucking amuse you?

[35:26] Yeah, so I would say you're not funny like a clown.

[35:29] Okay.

[35:30] Certainly not in the traditional sense.

[35:31] I haven't seen you do any pratfalls or any, a lot of-

[35:34] Mime?

[35:35] You don't do a lot of sight gags.

[35:38] No.

[35:39] Although you can do some pretty solid reactions.

[35:41] I mean, I think, Dan, you amuse me

[35:44] as all the great straight men do.

[35:49] You set yourself up to be made fun of.

[35:53] You get upset when people make,

[35:56] then make, call you out on things.

[35:58] You have big reactions,

[36:00] which is why it's fun to get you wound up.

[36:04] And yeah, so that's what amuses me,

[36:07] that you have enough quirks that you are a genuine character

[36:12] but you also seem like a somewhat serious guy,

[36:17] if that makes sense.

[36:18] Yeah.

[36:19] No, I appreciate the assessment.

[36:22] It's good to hear something about strengths.

[36:25] I mean, it's not necessarily like areas of improvement.

[36:27] I don't need to hear that.

[36:28] No, if you want, I can give you a shit sandwich.

[36:31] I don't care to.

[36:32] I gave a former host of the podcast,

[36:36] this is Stuart, setting himself up to get hate mail.

[36:40] But years ago, former host of the podcast,

[36:43] Simon Fisher, worked for me when I worked at a hobby store.

[36:46] I was a much younger man back then.

[36:48] And we had to do an employee review.

[36:51] And we had to do a, you know, like,

[36:55] I was trained to do like a shit sandwich style review.

[36:58] And we were, he filled out his form

[37:00] and we were kind of going over it together.

[37:02] And he was taking it very seriously,

[37:04] which I found to be incredibly funny.

[37:06] And it was like, we talked about his strengths

[37:09] and he was a very good employee.

[37:10] And then when it came to, I'm like, okay,

[37:11] so let's talk about areas of improvement.

[37:13] And I could see him like racking his brain,

[37:15] like really thinking about it.

[37:17] And I'm like, how about baldness?

[37:21] Because he had been like losing his hair

[37:23] and nobody had said anything.

[37:25] And I think I was the first person to make a joke about it.

[37:27] And he got so offended.

[37:30] I mean, it is inappropriate for a work relationship.

[37:32] Yes, I mean, we were friends before we were,

[37:36] I mean, in no way am I defending myself.

[37:37] I'm the villain in this story, but it was very,

[37:40] to this day, I'm still like, man,

[37:42] that was a good, that was a good, mean joke I made.

[37:46] It was so mean, in fact, that like friends from home

[37:49] called me up the next day to like lambast me

[37:52] for like making that joke, which I deserve.

[37:58] Well, I hope this has been an enjoyable episode for,

[38:03] I don't know, those of you out there who are like

[38:05] mean to Elliot on the internet for some reason,

[38:07] but I hope that the people who love Elliot,

[38:11] forgave this episode.

[38:13] I mean, and people, yeah, people who love Elliot,

[38:16] if anything, will listen to this episode and be like,

[38:18] yeah, yeah, that's why they have an Elliot.

[38:22] Yeah, but in the meantime,

[38:23] we've, I think, gotten a lot of good data.

[38:26] I'll feed this into the clubhouse computer.

[38:28] The AI algorithm will have sucked all this up.

[38:31] Eventually, we'll be able to simulate a Stuart.

[38:34] Easy.

[38:35] Be enjoyed for future generations,

[38:36] but until that time comes,

[38:39] I'd like to thank Alex Smith, our producer.

[38:43] He goes by the name HowlDotty on the internet.

[38:46] He has his work cut out for him

[38:48] to like maybe jazz up this episode a little bit.

[38:50] Yeah, he's gonna do a lot of farts and zinger sound effects.

[38:53] Yeah, some boing, boing, boing, boings.

[38:55] Get that soundboard out.

[38:57] And I'd like to thank our podcast network, Maximum Fun.

[39:01] If you go to MaximumFun.org,

[39:02] you can listen to a lot of great shows.

[39:04] They have them there.

[39:06] You can check them out.

[39:07] If you like this show, you'll probably like something else.

[39:09] Yeah, you like podcasts.

[39:11] You like stuff.

[39:13] But until next time, I've been Dan McCoy.

[39:15] And I've been Stuart Wellington.

[39:17] Bye.

[39:18] Bye.

[39:23] Maximum Fun.

[39:25] A worker-owned network.

[39:26] Of artist-owned shows.

[39:28] Supported.

[39:29] Directly.

[39:30] By you.

FH Mini 118 – Getting to Know Stu

Transcript

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