The Flop House: Episode Eleven - Awards Floptacular

S1

[0:00] Tonight, on the first annual Flophouse Floptacular, we discuss the Academy Awards and the Razzies.

[0:30] So this is our award show slash year in review Floptacular.

[0:41] Yeah, I like that name.

[0:43] Okay, so I love Floptacular.

[0:45] You like it too, man.

[0:45] It is good.

[0:46] For the Floptacular, we have me, Dan McCoy.

[0:49] Me, Stuart Wellington.

[0:51] Myself, Elliot Kalin.

[0:52] Yes, Elliot, now with two guest hosting appearances, is officially our favorite guest host.

[0:58] Yeah!

[0:58] Oh my god, he's like Jessica Biel.

[1:01] He is like Jessica Biel.

[1:02] I'm a recurring character now.

[1:03] Yep.

[1:04] Now his acting ability is questionable, but his body's hot.

[1:09] Jessica Biel all over.

[1:11] And I gotta say, there's a particular reason aside from us liking Elliot so much and him enjoying doing the podcast that we wanted him for this episode.

[1:21] Ow!

[1:21] Because Elliot has had some direct experience with the Oscars.

[1:26] Ow!

[1:27] You work for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

[1:30] Your boss, Jon Stewart.

[1:32] Yes.

[1:32] It's like a cat.

[1:34] Like a cat got trapped somewhere.

[1:35] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36] I was gonna yell, ow!

[1:38] I was just going, here!

[1:39] Right.

S1

[1:40] I think you might confuse the cat who's on the table and then she'll start attacking the podcast.

[1:43] Let's set the scene.

[1:44] She'll be attacking the podcast?

Elliott Kalan

[1:46] Yeah.

[1:47] In French.

[1:48] It'll just be like, it'll be just like Freakazoid.

[1:50] She'll enter into the internet.

[1:51] On her blog.

[1:53] Yep.

[1:53] On dancecat.blogspot.com.

S1

[1:58] Meow, meow, meow.

[2:00] The Flophouse sucks.

[2:02] Intrigue.

[2:02] But no, I wanted to say, Oscar hosted again this year.

[2:06] I don't want to get into any awkward areas, any conflicts of interest.

[2:10] Yeah, I have to recuse myself from it.

[2:12] How do you think your boss did?

Elliott Kalan

[2:13] I thought he did a very solid job.

[2:16] The job of the Oscar host is to get the show moving along and not irritate people and find

[2:22] some light moments.

[2:23] He certainly did all of those.

S1

[2:25] Yeah, I'll tell you what.

[2:25] I'm always, I guess, in the minority when it comes to Oscar hosts, who I feel does a good job.

[2:32] Whenever I feel someone has done a good job, inevitably I open up the newspaper the next day.

[2:37] You know, so-and-so bombed at the Oscars.

[2:39] Well, I know you loved Whoopi that one year.

[2:42] No.

Elliott Kalan

[2:43] The costume changes were wonderful.

S1

[2:45] I'm thinking specifically of when Letterman hosted.

[2:47] I thought Letterman did some very funny things.

[2:49] And then he's like the most hated host in recent Oscar memory.

Elliott Kalan

[2:53] Letterman did some very funny things if he was hosting Letterman's show.

[2:57] He was hosting the Oscars.

[2:59] As wrong and stupid and fake as the Oscars are, there is the image of this is the night

[3:06] for Hollywood and let's play it by Hollywood's rules, which he did not.

S1

[3:10] Right.

[3:10] Well, speaking of the flip side of that, certainly the biggest laugh, I think, at my Oscar party,

[3:16] I held an Oscar party.

[3:17] And if you hear us eating at any point, that's the remains of the Oscar party.

[3:21] That ambient noise that sort of gives you the feel as if you were at our Oscar party.

[3:25] The remains of the guests at the Oscar party.

[3:27] The people who lost the Oscar pool have been slow cooked and barbecue sauce.

[3:32] I'm still wearing the dress I wore at Oscars.

[3:38] It's starting to smell.

[3:39] Yeah, the taberno's getting a little dirty.

[3:42] Like my Charles Dickens bottle.

[3:43] But the biggest laugh at the party was his slam in orbit.

[3:51] Which was certainly a moment where he did not play by the Oscar rules.

Elliott Kalan

[3:55] Well, there's this unwritten rule that on Oscar night, there are no losers.

[3:59] There are losers, and they know there are losers.

[4:02] But the idea that Hollywood makes no mistakes.

[4:06] This is a celebration of Hollywood.

[4:08] And movies are great.

[4:10] And we're great at it.

[4:11] Just like the same way that Jack Nicholson did his rundown of his intro to the Best Picture winner.

[4:17] He said, there are many movies, but only 79 of them are the best.

[4:21] But really?

[4:22] Seriously?

[4:23] Jackson Nicholson?

[4:24] Do you really think that...

[4:25] Does anyone in the room think that these are the best movies ever made?

[4:28] In the end, you have to pretend they are, or else Oscar is meaningless.

S1

[4:31] I was going to bring this up a little later, but you are famously the writer, or famously

[4:37] to me.

[4:38] Famously to my friends.

[4:39] This is one of the first things that sort of...

[4:42] This is one of the first points of contact between you and me, was when I talked to you

[4:48] about your blog, The Oscars Are Always Wrong.

[4:50] Which, speaking of which, what year are you up to on that?

Elliott Kalan

[4:53] For about two years now, I've been up to 1961, and I just actually lost most of those files.

[5:00] The site that was hosting it was shut down by my former roommate, who was hosting the site.

[5:05] It was on his blog on that server.

[5:08] He had not written anything for two or three years before he decided to be written it.

[5:11] Oh, that's very upsetting.

[5:12] And I foolishly did not save those entries.

[5:16] He might have them save some.

[5:17] But I was up to...

S1

[5:18] When are you going to restart the project from year one?

Elliott Kalan

[5:21] You know what, I might take some time before I do that.

[5:24] But I was up to...

[5:26] I think the last one I did was 1960...

[5:28] Or no, the last one I did was 1961, because I said the apartment was one of the few correct

[5:32] choices.

S1

[5:33] Well, now that you've let me know that that's happened, I'll have to take The Oscars Are Always

[5:36] Wrong off my blog reader.

[5:38] I've been mainly hoping that it'll be updated someday.

Elliott Kalan

[5:42] Well, I think that people have just sent to a 404 forbidden page.

[5:47] I apologize that your blog roll has hilariously antiquated.

S1

[5:51] Yeah.

[5:51] I'm sure you don't want a cheesecake?

[5:52] I was honored to swear a cheesecake, but I'm already eating fudge.

[5:56] Please.

[5:57] It's the Oscars.

[5:58] It's a night for Oscars.

[6:00] There are no bandages.

Elliott Kalan

[6:01] But yeah, my main point was that the Academy Awards are almost always completely wrong in

[6:08] the books, both in Best Picture and in the other awards.

S1

[6:13] Well, maybe we should start at the top and then work backwards to the less interesting discussions

[6:19] in that spirit.

[6:21] I mean, did you think that the Best Picture choice was wrong this year?

Elliott Kalan

[6:25] I mean, it was wrong in the way that they didn't nominate the Best Movie of the Year was, which

[6:31] we can get into later.

S1

[6:33] All right.

[6:33] Yeah, that's true.

[6:34] I think you were going to bring that up when we gave out our own awards.

Elliott Kalan

[6:38] Yes.

[6:38] But this year, I mean, a few of the movies they nominated were, I mean, they weren't

[6:42] bad.

[6:43] Even my least favorite of the ones that I saw, I saw all of them except Atonement, which

[6:47] looks from commercial one like a movie that was designed for Best Picture.

[6:51] Right.

[6:51] Which meant I probably wouldn't like it.

[6:53] But even Juno, which I had major problems with and ultimately am not happy with, it was

[6:59] not a terrible movie.

[7:01] In the way that, say, Around the World in 80 Days with One Best Picture is a shitty movie.

[7:06] It's not good and it's really boring and it's like 100 hours long.

[7:10] But it exists to have cameos.

[7:12] It's like, now you can say that Content Class and John Paul Belmondo were the same movie.

[7:18] Great.

[7:19] Finally.

[7:20] Thank you for this David Niven hosted party.

S1

[7:24] I would love to go to a David Niven hosted party, by the way.

[7:28] That sounds fantastic.

[7:28] I imagine there'd be a lot of really well-mixed cocktails and some mascots.

[7:34] Spunking conversation.

Elliott Kalan

[7:35] But, like, There Will Be Blood and No Man and No Control, No Man.

[7:39] They're both good movies.

[7:40] Michael Clayton is a mediocre film with kind of good movie style.

[7:45] It's not a bad movie.

[7:47] You know, these were the acceptable movies.

S1

[7:49] Yeah, I saw five of them.

[7:51] I'd seen...

[7:52] That's quite impressive.

[7:53] It is very impressive.

[7:53] Well, I saw four of them, you know, just before the nominees were announced.

[7:58] And then, at that point, I was like, well, I might as well go see Atonement.

[8:01] It was like a week before the Oscars.

[8:03] And the thing is, like, I realize that the Oscars are completely insignificant.

[8:08] Wait, wait, wait, wait.

[8:08] Wait, wait, wait.

[8:09] Did you go see Atonement just so you could be at your Oscar photo?

[8:12] And you're like, I saw all the movies.

[8:14] I saw all five of these movies.

[8:15] Well, I was going to lord it over people in that smartly way.

[8:18] But, yeah.

[8:19] Here's the thing.

[8:20] The Oscars, to me, I agree with what Elliot's saying.

[8:22] However, for some reason, for some crazy reason, I love them.

[8:26] And I think, I've been thinking about it recently.

Elliott Kalan

[8:29] You can't write a blog about something, writing in detail why it's wrong in every particular, without loving it a little bit.

[8:36] Yeah, right.

[8:36] That's the thing.

[8:37] It's like, as much as I hate it, I love it.

[8:39] There's something about it that is very attractive and very magical.

[8:44] It might just be 80 years of society pretending it's magical.

[8:48] And to build it up to the point where, yeah, there is a certain magic.

[8:51] Glamour.

[8:52] Also, you know.

[8:53] And at one point, it was, even though they gave out the wrong choices, it was all bought by the studios and paid for it.

[8:58] There was a glamour to it.

[9:00] These are the biggest stars in Hollywood.

[9:02] I mean, after showing.

[9:04] I mean, yeah.

S1

[9:05] So, more stars than in the heavens.

[9:07] At the Academy Awards.

[9:09] I just think, for me, part of it is...

[9:10] The Dorothy Chandler Pavilion.

[9:12] I couldn't care less about sports.

[9:14] But, I understand what appeals to people about, like, the Super Bowl.

[9:19] Because they're like, okay, this is one sports event that we can all share.

[9:22] Likewise, the Oscars, movies are what I care about.

[9:25] So, like, for, like, a month every year, everyone agrees to talk about movies a lot.

[9:31] Yeah.

[9:31] And I'm really happy about that.

[9:33] Yeah, that's fair.

Elliott Kalan

[9:33] And that's the purpose of the Oscars.

[9:35] The Oscars are a commercial for movies.

[9:37] Yeah.

[9:37] So, they're doing their job.

[9:38] They're getting to do something.

S1

[9:39] And, from what I can see, they're working.

[9:43] People go to those movies.

[9:44] That's true.

[9:45] Like, a tonal.

[9:46] Which, by the way, was my least favorite of the five.

[9:49] What was your most favorite?

[9:51] I think There Will Be Blood.

[9:52] It's tough between that and No Time for Cool Men.

[9:54] I love both of those movies.

[9:56] Juno was right in the middle.

[9:57] You know, like, I had problems with some of the writing.

[10:00] Oh, whoa.

[10:02] I know.

[10:03] Oscar winner.

[10:03] Yeah.

[10:04] Diablo Cody.

Elliott Kalan

[10:05] Dan, I don't know if you understand.

[10:07] That won Best Original Screenplay.

S1

[10:09] It is the most original and best screenplay of the year.

[10:12] I know.

[10:12] And, I know that, I mean, she was a stripper-turned-blogger.

[10:16] Yeah.

[10:16] I don't know if you heard that.

[10:18] Not a real stripper.

[10:19] I don't know if you heard that 100 times.

[10:20] Not a real stripper.

Elliott Kalan

[10:21] No?

[10:22] She stripped for a year and wrote a book about it.

[10:24] There are people who stripped for many years.

[10:26] As my friend.

[10:26] That's like if I was a coal miner for a year and then wrote a book about it.

[10:29] And, I'm like, I'm a coal miner-turned-writer.

[10:31] As a, as a.

[10:32] As a.

[10:33] People who die of coal mining.

[10:34] Or die of stripping.

[10:36] Yeah, exactly.

[10:36] Or die.

[10:37] If you've ever seen a movie on Cinemax, you know that stripping is a dangerous career.

[10:41] Yeah.

[10:41] You could easily die stripping.

S1

[10:43] You get your hand and foot removed by a serial killer.

[10:46] By some sort of blue-themed serial killer.

[10:48] I want to say, though, as your friend and mine, Elliot, Laura Buchholz, said to me, by

[10:54] the way, a writer for Prairie Home Companion.

[10:56] A weird, like, public radio name-dropping, I guess.

[10:59] I didn't know that.

[10:59] That's very nice.

[10:59] Yeah, that's what she's in Minnesota doing now.

[11:02] She's reading Babel Cody's book, A Year in the Life of an Unlikely Stripper.

[11:06] And Laura said, what's unlikely about it?

[11:09] If you're stripping, I think that makes you a stripper.

[11:12] I'm better than all these other strippers.

Elliott Kalan

[11:14] What would make it unlikely, I think, is if she was an amputee.

[11:17] Or something like that.

[11:18] Like, she's never going to make it as a stripper.

[11:21] She doesn't have a body.

[11:23] Like if she was a ghost.

[11:24] I'm going to show all of you.

[11:26] I may be paralyzed from the neck down, but I'm going to strip, damn it.

[11:30] That would be an unlikely stripper.

[11:31] Someone remove my clothes.

[11:35] Well, fair enough.

S1

[11:36] Oh, Diablo.

[11:38] You've been burned, Laura, if you're listening to this podcast.

[11:40] Yeah.

[11:41] Boo Choles.

[11:41] You've been burned.

[11:43] Yeah.

[11:43] Agreed.

[11:44] I mean, like, Michael Clayton I enjoyed, but I thought actually, one of the things where

[11:49] it fell down for me is I didn't think for a thriller there were that many thrills.

[11:55] Like, it was just like, we're going to make a respectable thriller, and we're going to do

[11:58] that by taking out everything exciting.

Elliott Kalan

[12:00] Well, this is, I call that Road to Tradition.

[12:02] To make something respectable, you take out everything thrilling or visceral or surprising

[12:07] or vulgar about it.

[12:09] Road to Tradition is a gangster movie with shoot-em-ups, which is slow and boring and

[12:14] not exciting, because they're like, this is...

[12:16] I don't even want to throw it back.

[12:17] Oh, okay.

S1

[12:18] Do you like that?

[12:19] No, I really don't like it.

Elliott Kalan

[12:20] Oh, okay.

[12:20] This is...

[12:21] They said, this is an anti-violence movie.

[12:23] We don't want to make the violence exciting.

[12:25] Well, okay.

[12:26] You're moving.

S1

[12:26] And let's base it on...

[12:28] I mean, I'm going to sound like a nerd now.

[12:30] That's okay.

[12:30] But let's base it on...

[12:31] You won't be the first one.

[12:32] Let's base it on a graphic novel, which is based on the fucking Japanese graphic novel,

[12:37] which...

[12:38] Lone Wolf and Cub, which in no way, shape, or form is anti-violence.

[12:42] Yeah.

[12:43] So, let's westernize something and take everything that's cool about it and just throw it out

[12:48] the window and make it really boring.

[12:50] It looks good, though.

[12:51] Well, it looks like it.

[12:52] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[12:53] It does have a very eccentric Jude Law performance.

[12:58] That's the best part of the movie.

[12:59] I wish it was about him.

S1

[13:00] It was called Crazy...

Elliott Kalan

[13:01] I wish it was called Photo Killer.

S1

[13:05] They made that movie.

[13:05] It was called Peeping Tongue.

Elliott Kalan

[13:06] That's true.

[13:07] I thought it was one hour...

[13:09] Or Shutterbug.

S1

[13:12] You're snaps.

[13:13] Shut the story of a killer.

[13:14] Shutterbug.

[13:15] Shutterbug.

[13:17] Shutterbug's pretty good.

[13:19] Smuck.

[13:19] Cheese.

[13:20] So what you're saying is that Michael Clayton...

[13:22] So Hollywood.

[13:23] Michael Clayton is the thrillers what Sports Night is the comedies.

[13:28] Wow.

[13:29] I like Sports Night.

[13:30] Yeah, perhaps.

[13:30] Well, I don't have a problem with Sports Night.

[13:32] No, and I like...

[13:33] It's not like something you laugh at.

[13:34] No, it's not funny.

[13:35] It's certainly not.

[13:36] But it's a comedy.

[13:36] Yeah.

[13:37] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[13:37] Well, there's a laugh track.

[13:38] I mean...

[13:39] Well, the...

[13:39] Which is the best part of it.

[13:42] The problem also with Michael Clayton is that it's a movie that...

[13:44] Wait, Michael Clayton has a laugh track?

[13:46] Yeah.

[13:47] I didn't even see it.

[13:48] Michael Clayton has a laugh track.

[13:49] It's a classic three-camera setup.

[13:52] And at the end of the movie, the credits roll over images from the film.

[13:56] And then you hear Michael Clayton was filmed before a live studio audience.

[14:00] And then you see Stephen Jay Connell pull a piece of paper out of his typewriter.

[14:03] And throw it onto a stack of papers.

[14:06] And Mary Tellin wears cat meows.

[14:07] Yeah.

S1

[14:08] Stephen Jay Connell was not very good at collating paper.

[14:11] No, he just throws it right out.

[14:13] After he was done, he really had to spend a lot of time putting his script back into work.

Elliott Kalan

[14:18] But the main problem I had with Michael Clayton was that it's a movie that starts off throwing

[14:23] you off balance.

[14:24] For the first three short scenes, you don't know what's going on.

[14:27] You don't know what it's about, really.

[14:28] And you're like, this must be...

[14:29] This will be full of twists.

[14:31] And there were zero twists.

[14:33] It was...

[14:34] You knew...

[14:34] It was like, uh-oh.

[14:35] It looks like this corporation is trying to win this lawsuit.

[14:38] But that...

[14:39] It's got to be something more insidious than that.

[14:40] Oh, no.

[14:41] I guess that was it.

[14:42] You know, I...

[14:44] Spoiler alert.

[14:45] Funnily enough, for a movie that was...

[14:46] There was no ghosts or anything?

[14:47] No ghosts.

[14:48] No women that turned out to be men.

[14:49] Even with Tola Swinton in it.

S1

[14:50] It was a movie that was directed.

[14:54] By a screenwriter.

[14:56] And the screenplay was, you know, nominated for a Tammy Award.

[14:59] But the screenplay is the least interesting thing about it.

[15:01] I mean, it's beautifully shot.

[15:03] And very well directed.

Elliott Kalan

[15:04] And acted.

[15:04] And very poorly directed.

[15:05] Tom Wilkinson's in it, right?

[15:07] Tom Wilkinson's in it.

[15:08] And he was good.

[15:08] And Tilda Swinton, who is Frayden.

[15:10] I thought she was exactly the right choice.

[15:12] She won the award, didn't she?

[15:13] Yeah, she won Best Supporting Actress.

[15:14] And my opinion is that she deserved it completely.

[15:16] She gives an amazing performance as this...

[15:19] As a human.

[15:20] As a human.

[15:22] But as this brittle, vulnerable woman who is put into a position where she has to do something

[15:28] terrible to kind of protect herself.

[15:31] And it's, you know, it's the wrong thing to do.

[15:33] But in her few scenes by herself, she creates such a more interesting and convincing, lovable

[15:39] character.

[15:39] Lovable in a way that's, like, pitiable.

[15:42] Than Michael Clayton himself, where it's like, yeah, your rich job is pretty bad.

[15:47] Handsome George Clooney.

[15:48] Like, I feel bad for you, sexiest man alive.

S1

[15:51] But I didn't want her to win the Oscar.

[15:53] Because she's just going to take that Oscar back to fairyland.

[15:55] We're never going to see it again.

Elliott Kalan

[15:56] Well, she's going to replace the Oscar with Fairy Child.

[16:01] And maybe when she wins again as Ziggy Stardust.

[16:06] That's my joke I've been telling for the past week.

[16:09] 30 minutes of Tilda Swinton, do it later.

[16:12] That's my A-Tilda Swinton material.

[16:15] That she's always prepping for the role of Ziggy Stardust.

S1

[16:19] Oh, so we've hit the big categories.

[16:21] Well, we can backtrack.

[16:24] We didn't talk about directing or anything.

Elliott Kalan

[16:26] Through the magic of editing, you can also change what goes around in this podcast.

[16:29] I don't like to edit these things.

[16:30] I don't think you've noticed.

[16:31] I think this should be your Steven Soderbergh podcast, where it jumps backwards and forwards

[16:35] in time.

[16:36] Yep.

[16:37] This is your liming.

S1

[16:38] Yeah, entire sections could be played backwards.

[16:41] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[16:42] And different fonts.

S1

[16:43] And there needs to be a fucking twist.

[16:45] Yeah.

[16:45] A twist at the end.

[16:46] Elliot Kalin had died four days before the podcast.

[16:50] How did he arrive?

[16:51] Authorities are babbled.

[16:52] The end.

[16:55] That's the text at the end of the podcast that appears on screen.

[16:59] The unbreakable movie.

[17:01] Well, in the spirit of also stealing other people's jokes, I have to mention the biggest

[17:06] laugh during our Oscar party was when we were talking about the in-memoriam montage and

[17:12] how the beginning and end dates meant that Roy Scheider was in it.

[17:15] Purposely to the Roy Scheider.

[17:17] Our friend Dave Weinberg said they would have needed a longer Oscar montage.

[17:22] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[17:23] That's your go-to Roy Scheider reference right there.

[17:25] Well, the thing I wonder about that is that montage was loaded with executives and agents.

[17:30] I wonder if that was part of the deal with the Writers Guild was, we'll give you those residuals,

[17:35] but we're going to get some executives into that fucking Oscar.

S1

[17:38] Because everyone was saying how Brad Renfro is not in the...

Elliott Kalan

[17:42] Yeah.

[17:42] Who was not a major actor, but who was a well-known actor.

[17:45] Right.

[17:45] Who died, tragically.

[17:47] And you know that they stretched the dates to just include people.

[17:51] Yes.

[17:51] There was no way they would not include people.

[17:53] Oh, yeah.

[17:53] It was very strange.

S1

[17:54] That's the only reason I tuned in, actually.

[17:56] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[17:57] And they specifically...

S1

[17:57] No one seen a montage with Keith Ledger in it.

[18:00] They put the dates on screen.

[18:03] Oh.

[18:05] I feel bad for laughing.

[18:07] We can hear it.

[18:08] I think that's true.

[18:09] That's amazing.

[18:10] Beneath all that dirt.

[18:11] But they put the dates on screen specifically, I think, so people would know.

Elliott Kalan

[18:16] This is why Roy...

[18:17] Instead of taking the effort to literally edit the clip of Roy Scheider saying we're going

[18:22] to need a bigger boat, which would take minutes, they went through trouble putting text

[18:26] on the screen that said the dates of the memorial.

[18:29] Yeah.

[18:29] Or they could have done it before Roy Scheider died and just said, like, listen, if anyone

[18:33] dies after this point, we're not putting him in the market.

S1

[18:35] Right.

[18:35] And that always happens.

[18:36] I mean, people are always like, why wasn't this person in?

[18:39] Like, even if it happened the day before the Oscars, people are always like, where was

[18:44] this guy?

[18:44] Where was it?

[18:45] Nicole Smith.

[18:45] Or where was it?

[18:47] Or Skyscraper, or whatever the fuck her name is.

[18:50] Or Sean Makin Gun 33.

[18:52] Yeah, she made Skyscraper.

[18:54] Makin Gun 33 to 30.

[18:55] That was a movie.

[18:56] Yeah.

[18:56] But also like Joey...

Elliott Kalan

[18:57] And Miss Cole Smith's fantasies.

[18:59] I think they're called Anna Nicole Smith Exposed.

[19:01] Oh, yeah.

[19:02] But...

[19:03] Constantly showing on Showtime.

[19:04] But Joey Bishop was not in.

[19:06] Wow.

[19:07] He was...

[19:08] And he's not, again, not a movie star.

[19:10] Yeah, but everyone knows that name.

[19:12] Like the Rat Pack.

[19:14] And yet you had all these executives, and you didn't even put up the titles of the movies,

[19:18] these executives green, you know, or anything.

[19:21] We had no context for the people.

[19:22] We didn't know the studios they were.

[19:24] It was just, oh, okay.

[19:26] These guys.

[19:27] Well, he was an executive, I guess.

[19:29] Right.

[19:30] That was the one part of the Oscars where it felt, this night isn't about you, America.

[19:34] This is about us.

[19:35] This agent died.

[19:37] Here's a picture of him in his striped shirt on vacation.

[19:39] Like, couldn't find a nicer picture.

[19:41] Like, hey, what's going on?

[19:43] I guess everyone just remembered that shirt they needed to have in the picture.

S1

[19:46] You don't realize he's just looking like Charlie Brown.

[19:48] He always wore that shirt.

[19:49] That was why he was such a good agent, because he was memorable.

[19:52] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[19:53] But then on the other hand, you had Robert Goyle winning Lifetime Achievement Award, which

[19:58] was very well-deserved.

[20:00] Not a name that people would talk to me.

[20:03] I had trouble remembering his credits for.

[20:05] And they explained who he is.

[20:06] They explained what he did.

[20:07] They gave him time to speak.

[20:09] He was a 98-year-old man.

[20:10] They didn't try to cut him off and rush him off stage.

[20:13] Yeah.

[20:13] And they treated him very respectfully.

[20:15] And the in memoriam was almost felt slapdash.

S1

[20:18] They've been going more obscure for the Lifetime.

[20:20] I mean, these aren't obscure people, obviously.

[20:23] It's just they're not trotting out huge, famous actors or directors.

[20:29] They're not giving one to Dustin Hoffman.

[20:31] Right.

[20:32] Last year it was Angel Morricone.

[20:33] I mean, everyone who knows film music knows him, but he's not going to be a marquee name

[20:38] for the Oscars.

[20:39] Like, you've got to tune in this year and see Angel Morricone get his Oscar.

Elliott Kalan

[20:42] At the same time, is there anyone who deserves a Lifetime Achievement Award?

[20:46] More than anyone.

[20:47] More of a movie.

[20:48] He's written, like, over 400 movie scores.

[20:50] He wrote what is possibly the best song ever written for a movie.

[20:56] Like I would say, The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly.

[20:58] It's either that or a Ghostbusters song.

[21:00] I don't know.

S1

[21:01] I would go on with Bobby Brown's song from Ghostbusters 2.

[21:04] Oh, yeah.

[21:05] It's all about Vigo, the master of evil.

Elliott Kalan

[21:08] I saw that painting in person.

[21:10] I told you that, right?

[21:11] On my tour of Industrial Light and Magic that I took last Thanksgiving.

S1

[21:14] Paint a picture with your words about saying a picture that we painted for Ghostbusters 2.

Elliott Kalan

[21:19] I saw Vigo's portrait.

[21:22] I saw the Scaleri Brothers ghosts that come back.

[21:25] I came in the chair.

[21:26] I came in the chair.

S1

[21:29] Oh, that was a great tour.

[21:30] Favorite exposition ever.

Elliott Kalan

[21:31] If anyone ever has a chance to take a private tour of Industrial Light and Magic, please do so.

S1

[21:36] Because it is wonderful.

[21:38] Well, I wasn't going to until you said it.

[21:40] Yeah.

[21:41] But anyway, what were we talking about?

[21:42] I don't know.

[21:43] Oh.

[21:44] Paintings.

[21:45] Oh, music for movies.

[21:46] There you go.

[21:46] Music for movies.

[21:46] I'm going to argue my favorite piece of music ever written for a movie.

[21:51] Dream Warriors by Dokken.

[21:53] Or Nightmare on Elm Street Part 3 Dream Warriors.

[21:56] Another one with the kid in the wheelchair.

[21:58] Yeah.

[21:58] Yeah, that one's really awesome.

[21:59] That's a good song.

[22:00] Perhaps my favorite is a nightmare on Elm Street.

[22:03] Yeah, it's a kid in the wheelchair.

[22:05] Yeah, well, he's also a dungeon master.

[22:07] He's also a dungeon master.

[22:11] It makes it kind of sad.

Elliott Kalan

[22:12] I apologize for this tan.

[22:14] This is as irrelevant as any conversation could be for the subject.

S1

[22:18] Come on, Oscar winning Nightmare on Elm Street Part 3.

[22:22] At least you won Oscar.

[22:23] I wish.

[22:24] That would have been great.

[22:25] You won the Oscar for most awesome Elm Street.

[22:28] Michael Caine walks out.

Elliott Kalan

[22:30] The Best Picture Award goes.

[22:31] The Best Picture of, I don't remember that year, was like 1886, 1985.

[22:36] Sure.

[22:36] The 1985 is A Nightmare on Elm Street 3 Dream Warriors.

[22:40] And Robert Englund goes up and gets the award, you know, and picks up the award.

[22:44] He won Best Actor that year, I assume.

[22:47] Sometimes I like to think of myself as a dream warrior.

[22:51] A warrior of dreams.

[22:52] I suppose you saw all dream warriors.

[22:55] And Cher is that, it'll be the best.

[22:57] Best Actor, Robert Englund for Nightmare on Elm Street 3 Dream Warriors.

[23:02] I'd like to thank a guy named Freddy.

[23:04] I wouldn't be getting this award without.

[23:06] Thanks, buddy.

[23:07] Here's to another award next year to go with the three I now have.

[23:11] Just one.

S1

[23:13] Just one every year.

[23:14] Like, really?

[23:16] Just as this year's Oscars telecast was the lowest rated, people are turning off this podcast.

[23:23] Oh, girls, America.

[23:24] Oh.

[23:25] He'd be wearing the glove when he'd go to accept the award because he knew he was kidding, right?

[23:28] Of course.

Elliott Kalan

[23:29] Yeah.

[23:29] Of course he'd wear the glove.

[23:30] And the audience would go fucking insane.

[23:33] You would have Faye Ray and Shirley Temple and, you know, Mickey Rooney just jumping out of their seats.

S1

[23:40] Yeah!

[23:40] It would be a shot of the Jack with his sunglasses and not just laughing.

Elliott Kalan

[23:44] Laughing.

[23:44] You still got it.

S1

[23:46] I think it would be dangerous.

[23:47] It would be dangerous for him to wear the glove.

[23:49] I mean, this Freddy might cross over in the real world like he did in New Nightmare.

[23:53] Yeah, we can only hope.

[23:55] Yeah, that's my favorite.

[23:56] This is good laughs.

[23:57] Good semi-homoerotic movies.

[24:00] Heather Langenkamp.

[24:01] Awfully cute.

[24:03] So, Oscars, speaking of.

[24:05] Sure.

[24:05] So, Oscars.

[24:07] Is there anything that stuck out to you, Elliot?

[24:09] About what the Oscars?

[24:10] The Oscars.

[24:11] Why don't you talk about?

[24:13] Okay.

[24:13] I don't actually, I haven't actually seen a lot of the movies or performances.

[24:17] A lot of them on an Oscar, like, pole.

[24:19] What's that?

[24:19] Pole?

[24:20] Pole?

[24:21] Pole, yeah.

[24:23] A lot of that shit was the Oscars.

[24:24] The Oscars pole.

[24:25] Most of it was, like, gay Oscar-former.

[24:29] You know?

[24:30] Oscars pole.

[24:31] Story Sylvester Stallone.

Elliott Kalan

[24:34] Early in history.

[24:35] You needed the money.

[24:36] Hollywood Nights hadn't come out yet.

S1

[24:38] I have actually seen a lot of the movies, so a lot of it was guesses.

[24:43] So, I don't actually really care about talking about the movies.

[24:47] What I did want to say was that the French girl who won the Best Actress,

[24:53] they were attractive.

[24:55] Yeah, that's true.

[24:56] Nice dress.

[24:57] Not when she's in makeup.

[24:59] No.

[24:59] I'm not going to see her.

[25:00] I'm not going to see her movie.

[25:02] But I'll check out IMDb, see if she's got a back catalog.

[25:06] You know, foreign movies.

[25:07] She's made about 40 movies.

[25:09] Well, and the thing is that foreign movies, I'm going to let you guys in on a secret,

[25:13] foreign movies often feature a shitload of foreign movies.

[25:16] I don't think so.

[25:18] I would have heard about that.

[25:19] Well, I'll just take it from me, guys.

[25:23] And in the modern world of the internet, you can say I have these European delights.

[25:27] Tell me more.

[25:28] Because I think in France it's called Le Internet.

[25:32] And they have tons of these foreign movies featuring movie chick foods.

[25:40] That's all.

[25:40] That's the whole movie.

[25:41] The only thing you've got to watch out for is that they don't have the same filter that

[25:45] we have about filtering out all the uggos.

[25:47] Oh, I see.

[25:49] So they'll just let everybody know.

[25:51] Like in a movie that actually I want to talk about.

[25:54] I'm jumping in.

[25:56] It's over the head.

[25:56] Go right ahead.

[25:57] But in a little while we're going to be talking about our own Oscar picks.

[26:00] And my Oscar pick for the best scene with full frontal peel nudity goes to a black book.

[26:10] Oh, I missed that.

[26:11] With a big bad guy like stumbling to do that with full wing.

[26:16] It's going to be awesome.

[26:18] So that's an example of them not using their filter.

[26:22] Right?

[26:22] Poor movies.

[26:23] New.

[26:24] So your turn.

Elliott Kalan

[26:26] I learned something here tonight.

[26:28] Yep.

[26:28] The armed movies I'm just thrown off by all the uncircumcised members.

[26:32] It's like some sort of bizarre universe that I don't understand.

[26:35] What stuck out to me a lot was that the Coen brothers won for best adapted screenplay.

[26:40] They had previously won best original screenplay for Fargo.

[26:43] They won best director.

[26:44] They won best picture.

[26:44] Never won.

[26:46] They should have won them, in my opinion.

[26:48] They should have won best director several times over them.

[26:50] They should have won best picture for Fargo.

[26:53] But they had this look on their faces like they were very displeased to be winning the Academy Awards.

[27:00] And they would cut back to Frances McDormand, who could not have been happy.

[27:03] Right.

[27:04] That her husband and her husband's brother were winning these major awards.

[27:08] And the Coen brothers were going to hand it.

[27:09] And part of me thinks it's just that they're naturally shy guys.

[27:12] They don't like going up on stage.

[27:13] They don't like being part of the Hollywood establishment.

[27:17] I'm not sure.

[27:17] Or something like that.

[27:18] But at the same time, No Country for Old Men is a very well put together movie.

[27:24] It's a fantastic movie in a lot of ways.

[27:25] But to me, it feels like maybe their least personal movie since, after Intolerable Cruise.

[27:32] Yeah, Intolerable Cruise.

[27:33] Which feels like they did direct it with their eyes closed and asleep.

[27:37] And they didn't write that one.

[27:39] Yeah.

[27:39] That is the one that they didn't write.

[27:40] But even beyond that, they wrote, they adapted No Country for Old Men.

[27:44] They directed it.

[27:45] They spent a lot of time on it.

[27:46] And they did an amazing job.

[27:47] At the same time, it didn't feel like their souls weren't best in it.

[27:51] I wonder if up there they said to themselves, well, this is what they want us to make.

[27:56] They don't want us to make The Man Who Wasn't There.

[27:58] They want us to make The Big Lebowski.

[28:00] They want us to make Martin Cain.

[28:03] The movies that you can tell they wrote because these were stories that sprung out of their minds

[28:09] that they had to tell.

S1

[28:11] No one makes The Big Lebowski to try and court mainstream success.

Elliott Kalan

[28:15] But at the same time, if there's any movie that goes to the heart of their feelings about

[28:20] film or humanity, I think it's that one movie for The Big Lebowski.

[28:23] For many reasons.

[28:24] I recommend the VFI film classics.

[28:27] I'm going to be with us, which is fantastic.

[28:29] But that they said to themselves, well, this is what we have to do to get recognition.

[28:34] Very slick, violent, kind of little soulless thrillers that tell the story efficiently

[28:43] and then get the fuck out of there.

[28:45] Although, I mean...

[28:46] It had very few of the tangents and the kind of loopiness that gives their movies the character.

S1

[28:51] It is definitely an adaptation.

[28:54] However, I mean, the way you're talking about it almost...

[28:57] I know this is not what you're saying, but the way you're talking about it almost makes

[28:59] it seem like a sellout of some kind.

[29:01] Which it's not.

[29:02] But, I mean, certainly...

[29:03] But to a certain extent...

[29:04] The ending of that film, which a lot of people didn't like, I mean, that they kept faithful

[29:10] to Cuomo McCartney's ending, and they're like, you know what, you want a climax?

[29:15] Well, to hell with you.

Elliott Kalan

[29:16] At the same time, that was taken directly...

[29:19] Again, it was taken directly...

S1

[29:20] Right.

[29:20] And that's why, even though I really liked The 34 Old Men, ultimately I enjoyed There Will

[29:25] Be Blood more.

[29:26] Because I felt like that was a very personal movie.

Elliott Kalan

[29:28] Yeah, well, There Will Be Blood was almost the opposite.

[29:30] It felt much more personal and much more like Paul Thomas Anderson put himself into it.

[29:35] And then, but at the end of the day, it almost wasn't...

[29:38] He didn't step back far enough to make a movie that ultimately, you know, made sense as a

[29:43] story, in a way.

[29:44] It made sense as a dream, but not that stuff that's his brother that ultimately isn't...

[29:50] Oh, okay.

[29:51] So, that was a commercial break for a while.

[29:54] That was the inspiration.

[29:55] Like, there's...

[29:56] Both movies don't give you what you're looking for exactly.

[30:00] And there's...

[30:00] They have good reasons for doing that, and it's rewarding almost that they don't do that.

[30:04] The Country Old Men doesn't give you that shootout at the end that you really want to see.

[30:08] And There Will Be Blood does not give you the straightforward arc of man and son, man against creature boy,

[30:15] that you want.

[30:16] Instead, it kind of loops around itself and it takes its decores and it...

[30:21] It commits the main fight between the father and son that I assume happened at some point.

[30:26] And it's almost like the movie is sort of richer and cooler.

[30:31] But it is totally crazy.

S1

[30:33] That's what ultimately I love about it.

[30:34] I like movies that feel like...

[30:37] That are very personal, but then also have just this, like, shaggy dog quality to it.

[30:41] It definitely has a shaggy dog.

Elliott Kalan

[30:43] The ending, well, that's the end, like, that last scene is beautiful.

[30:46] Everything about it is brilliant.

[30:48] The final moment going into the credits with the music playing,

[30:52] which frankly does feel like the end of a Woody Allen movie, is great.

[30:56] But that's the thing.

[30:56] The reviews made it sound like it was this bizarre fever dream of a movie.

[31:01] That, like, nothing made sense.

[31:02] But it made me, I was like...

[31:04] You ruined it.

[31:05] Oh, I'm sorry.

[31:05] Fucking ruined it.

[31:06] But I went in expecting, like, El Topo.

[31:09] You know, or the Magic Mountain or something.

[31:11] Something where I was going to be like, what the hell is going on?

[31:14] But instead it was just a story that ran on its own logic.

[31:17] And it's kind of flattering.

S1

[31:18] I agree that...

[31:21] I agree with the whole Magic Mountain release.

[31:23] Specifically, the movie called The Old Men, which I like.

[31:26] But, like, at the same time, it's a very Coen Brothers movie, is the thing.

[31:30] But I don't like that.

[31:31] Like, it reminded me so much of Blood Simple.

Elliott Kalan

[31:33] Yeah, it is very much like their past films.

[31:37] It's almost like...

[31:38] There's just like a fifth element, if you will, missing from it.

S1

[31:43] Speaking of my favorite movies of all time...

[31:45] This is not all about the Oscars, so let's move on from that.

[31:49] Although I do want to mention one last thing.

[31:51] I know you...

[31:52] Maybe you can't talk about this.

[31:53] I don't know how much you can talk about it.

[31:55] But I'm going to mention it.

[31:57] Elliot, last time John hosted the Oscars, you actually had some part in producing the Oscar telecast.

[32:05] Or part of the Oscar telecast.

Elliott Kalan

[32:05] If I can be humble, I was one of the producers on the best part of that Oscar.

[32:10] Yeah, and I...

[32:10] And possibly the best part of any Oscars.

S1

[32:12] And I know that people don't...

[32:15] People who work on these sorts of things don't get individual credit for it often.

[32:20] So I want you to take this opportunity to blow your own horn.

[32:23] Oh, thanks.

[32:25] Well, I think...

Elliott Kalan

[32:27] Yeah, just...

[32:29] Well, we hosted it two years ago.

[32:31] Just snatch credit for something that happened a couple years back.

[32:33] I was part of an elite three-man team, of which I did most of the work, except for us.

[32:39] What we called the Gay Cowboy Montage.

[32:43] I think it kind of got known by that in the mass media.

[32:47] I believe it was a single day up by the Times.

[32:50] But the Brokeback Mountain was the theme of that year.

[32:54] That's the problem with this year's Oscars.

[32:55] There was nothing that dominated that way that...

[32:58] It was the idea that Westerns have always been fairly homoerotic.

[33:02] We were putting together, you know, homoerotic tension moments from those movies.

[33:06] We took about a month of watching Westerns, a couple weeks vetting them together.

[33:11] We watched about 40 films in total.

[33:14] I think I watched 25 to 30 of them.

S1

[33:17] There weren't many of these from your private collection.

Elliott Kalan

[33:19] Yes.

[33:19] And that's the thing.

[33:20] This year, we rented all these DVDs.

[33:22] One of the guys that were up with was like, oh, are we going to get Blu-ray discs?

[33:25] We want these to look the best.

[33:26] And I said, oh, oh, how naive.

[33:28] That's adorable.

[33:29] Because when we did this other one, I assumed...

[33:32] I brought in my own tapes.

[33:33] Many of them taped off television.

[33:35] And I assumed that we were going to be getting DVDs of these or that the Academy Award was

[33:40] springing for decided from prints.

S1

[33:42] Is that the Academy is taking part in piracy.

[33:45] It is breaking copyright laws.

[33:46] Yeah, I think so.

Elliott Kalan

[33:47] Maybe.

[33:48] But again, but then they said, nope.

[33:50] And so it ended up looking fine.

[33:52] I mean, many of these movies were old, so we weren't going to get to put some print

[33:56] something anyway.

[33:57] But it was like, oh, okay.

[33:59] I guess I'll bring in my copy of The Big Country and we'll just take the clips off of that.

[34:03] And also, it shows you how slapdash those shows are.

[34:06] Because we spent a very long time working on the music for it.

[34:09] And the editor we were working with, Graham Frazier, it was me.

[34:12] It was a three-man team.

[34:13] Me, Rory Albanese was the other producer on it.

[34:16] And he was one of the main producers of the Astrid this year for The Daily Show.

[34:21] And Graham Frazier was the editor.

[34:24] And Graham spent so much time working on the sound bed and making sure everything flowed

[34:28] seamlessly because you had the music.

[34:30] We were putting on with the music that was already on those scenes sometimes because

[34:33] we needed lines of dialogue.

[34:35] Songs had to flow together at just the right moments.

[34:37] And it came out beautifully.

[34:38] And then the Academy Awards guys were like, oh, we need a couple seconds of time.

[34:42] We've got to shorten the montage.

[34:44] And they just chop the chunk out of the middle.

[34:47] And there's this abrupt skip in the music where it goes from one song to another.

[34:50] It's like, come on, guys.

[34:51] The Academy Awards.

[34:52] What are you doing?

S1

[34:53] Well, I checked.

[34:54] And this is on YouTube.

[34:56] The Academy has not taken it down.

[34:58] Because they pulled it off.

[34:59] It kept pulling it off for a while.

[35:00] It's back up again.

[35:01] It's back up again.

[35:02] I mean, you know, now that we've won the camera on the flop house.

Elliott Kalan

[35:06] Clearly.

[35:07] I will tell you, actually, the best thing about we were getting sued by Wayne Enterprises,

[35:13] which is John Wayne's son's company.

[35:15] And it's also the name of Bruce Wayne's company in the Batman comics.

[35:19] Wayne Enterprises is John Wayne's son's company that's set up to protect the image and legacy

[35:24] of John Wayne.

[35:25] And we were like, really?

[35:26] They're like, they're going to have trouble with Wayne Enterprises.

[35:29] We're making John Wayne like a gay guy.

[35:31] At one point, we had John Wayne.

[35:33] He says, I'll have you spread-eagled on a wagon wheel.

[35:36] You know, that means he's going to do a guy up the butt or something.

[35:40] Like, and this is John Wayne.

[35:41] This is the Duke.

[35:42] And we were like, uh-oh.

[35:44] This is going to be trouble.

[35:45] And then we also had a lot of other big stars in it.

[35:47] There's a part with Gary Cooper.

[35:49] There's a part with Alan Ladd from Shane where he and another guy pull a stump out of the

[35:53] ground and fall over it, spent and sweaty.

[35:56] And then it ended with a scene with Gregory Peck and Charlton Heston.

[36:00] And John Wayne and Wayne Enterprises, their response was, well, you pay us for the use

[36:05] of that footage.

[36:06] We don't care what you're doing.

[36:08] So the Academy paid them.

[36:09] But Gregory Peck's widow did not want his image.

[36:13] Didn't want the implication that he was a homosexual.

[36:16] Nothing at all.

[36:16] So the president of the Academy, the producer of the Kenwoods, went out and basically went

[36:21] to her house and talked to her about it and had to make a personal call to convince her

[36:25] that it was okay to include this snippet.

[36:27] Because it was the end clip and it was so good in the big country.

[36:31] And it's Charlton Heston is half undressed.

[36:34] He's just wearing his long underwear pants.

[36:37] And he's sitting on his bed and Gregory Peck walks in and says, I wonder why you thought

[36:43] you had to say goodbye.

[36:44] Gregory Peck goes, I don't know goodbye.

[36:45] I was interested.

[36:46] It was going to take a little bit more room.

[36:48] And then it's just Charlton Heston just stares at him and then starts getting up off the bed.

[36:52] And then we cut out there.

[36:54] It was such a great ending.

[36:56] And so they, you know, I guess wanting to find her.

[36:59] And she eventually will.

S1

[37:00] Well, you know, what it is, is Gregory Peck's widow is still a little sensitive about that

[37:05] incident with Kevin Rock Hudson.

[37:07] Wow.

[37:08] I'm not even going to get, that's.

[37:09] The estate of Gregory Peck is going to sue us.

[37:12] Oh, shit.

[37:14] That's good.

[37:14] I, if it's still up on YouTube, I will embed that on the Clubhouse blog.

[37:20] That would be awesome.

Elliott Kalan

[37:21] And then I need to start a wheel.

[37:23] So I can put it on.

[37:24] But that was one of the, one of the great thrills was doing that and then watching the

[37:29] Oscars.

[37:29] We had an Oscar party for the show that everyone went to and watching the Oscars in this bar

[37:35] that we rented out.

[37:36] And that came on.

[37:37] And then there was this moment of, oh, okay, the Oscars are fake.

[37:42] If I was involved with this, be a nobody, then it must be not real.

[37:46] This is a closed circuit camera that like John is doing this in the back room and this is

[37:52] not a real broadcast.

[37:53] But eventually that went away.

[37:55] Yeah.

[37:56] I guess that I had, I could not imagine that I was involved in something that hyper-willed.

S1

[38:01] I understand that feeling of this location because, I mean, I have never been involved

[38:05] with anything as exciting as the Daily Show.

[38:11] Well, the Bluff House.

[38:12] I don't want to give, other than the Bluff House.

[38:14] Bluff House is far more exciting than the Daily Show.

[38:16] I did a comedy show where we had like, it was a Sarah Schaefer show where we had Lisa

[38:21] Loeb on as the like musical guest.

[38:23] And she was out there.

[38:25] We've like, I brought her like a cheese plate back in the back.

[38:27] And then she was out there in the front, like singing, uh, Stay.

[38:31] And I had this moment where I'm like, I fucking like, I listened to this song on like MTV in

[38:35] High School.

[38:36] And I was like, yeah.

[38:39] I was like, who's the cute girl in the glasses?

[38:42] I like smart looking girls.

[38:45] And then years later, there she was.

[38:47] Wait, did she still look smart or did she look kind of like little beat up?

[38:51] No, she looked baby.

[38:51] She looked very good.

[38:52] She looked like, she looked like, ready to rock.

[38:55] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[38:56] She, I remember, I was one of the people working cameras.

[39:00] I remember very well.

[39:01] And I don't like that song.

[39:03] And I'm not a huge fan of hers.

[39:05] But hearing her play it right there.

[39:06] Hearing her like live.

[39:07] It was a very emotional.

[39:09] It was, because it was like, I don't like this song, but I heard it every day for like

[39:13] two years.

[39:14] At a time when I was growing up.

[39:16] And all those memories came from.

[39:18] I still don't like it.

[39:20] But it was like, but it was a very thrilling.

[39:23] A lot of personal.

S1

[39:25] Enough interesting things.

[39:27] Enough self-aggrandization.

[39:29] I don't know shit about movies.

[39:31] Sure.

[39:31] Yeah.

[39:32] Let's go on to the Razzies.

[39:33] They're like the anti-Oscars.

Elliott Kalan

[39:35] They're like, what's great about the Razzies and the Oscars is that neither of them really

[39:40] mean anything, but the Razzies know it.

S1

[39:42] So, we saw the Razzie winner.

[39:44] We saw it like, actually, you were the guest star.

Elliott Kalan

[39:47] I was.

[39:47] I remember, I was very happy when it swept the Razzies, because I had seen

[39:50] the Razzies.

S1

[39:51] Yeah.

[39:51] And it was bad.

[39:52] I know who killed me.

[39:53] It was bad, right?

[39:54] One of the worst pictures.

[39:55] If it matters, I think Dan gave it a, you did still watch this.

[39:59] Yeah.

[39:59] I think I like it a lot.

[40:01] I don't think that was it.

[40:02] He gave it a, I don't remember it that well.

[40:05] He gave it a, this was bad, but it was still fun.

[40:06] I thought it was funny.

[40:07] I thought it was really funny how weird it was.

[40:10] Sure.

[40:11] Yeah.

[40:11] Sure.

[40:11] I don't know about that.

[40:13] I think.

[40:13] I like it a little more than you like that.

Elliott Kalan

[40:15] Like, he likes watching movies where strippers don't take their clothes off and then their

S1

[40:19] fingers fall off.

[40:19] He did have a stripper with a robot hand in.

[40:21] How can you argue with a movie that has a stripper with a robot hand?

Elliott Kalan

[40:24] That hand should have gotten a specialty for the Razzies.

S1

[40:28] Lindsay Lohan did tie with herself for worst actress, because if you recall the film, she had

[40:34] a split personality, which played two roles.

[40:36] Played two characters.

[40:37] And both of them.

[40:38] Very different characters.

[40:39] One of the worst actors.

[40:39] Two very different characters.

[40:41] As well as worst screen couple.

[40:43] Actually, I believe I Know Who Killed Me is the highest Razzie winner in history with

[40:48] eight Razzies.

[40:49] That's a shitload of fucking Razzies, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[40:51] It's the Titanic and Ben-Hur of Razzies.

S1

[40:53] I feel like the problem with doing a segment on the Razzies is we have to keep saying Razzies.

[40:57] Yeah.

[40:58] I'm not going to say.

[40:58] It makes me feel kind of like a child.

[41:01] It's like when people wanted to say Super Duper Tuesday.

[41:04] I'm like, fuck that.

Elliott Kalan

[41:05] Yeah.

[41:06] It reminds me when news anchors say bling or diss by television.

[41:12] Throw it.

[41:13] I am watching News 4 Kids.

[41:16] N-E-W-Z, the number four K-I-D-Z.

[41:19] It's on for three minutes from 4.57 p.m. to 5 p.m. on PBS Channel.

S1

[41:24] You're reading News 4 Kids and Highlights 4 Kids.

[41:28] Yes, I read Weekly Reader.

[41:29] That's where I got my news.

[41:31] Ranger Rick.

[41:32] Ranger Rick.

[41:34] And this just in, fucking koala bears are cute.

[41:39] Fucking extra extra.

[41:41] I'm surprised that that's breaking news.

[41:44] I've been in it for a while.

[41:46] It seems self-evident.

[41:47] Developing story.

[41:48] Otters eating their food.

[41:56] This will be the best flop house for people to listen to if they want to listen to the three of us laughing.

[42:00] Yeah.

[42:01] Well.

[42:02] So, Razzies.

[42:04] They really didn't fucking like I knew who killed me.

[42:06] They didn't like Norbit either.

[42:08] Yeah, I'd like to point out that Norbit, the only film nominated for both a Razzie and an Oscar.

[42:12] So, there's gotta be something there.

[42:14] I thought for a moment.

[42:15] I did suggest for a great moment that in preparation for this show, we should watch Norbit.

[42:22] And Elliot said, no, I don't want to watch Norbit.

[42:25] And the other thing is, frankly, after watching Good Luck Chuck, I don't know if we have another shitty comedy in us, dude.

[42:33] I think it'll kill me.

Elliott Kalan

[42:33] That's the thing.

[42:34] Like, a bad harmony, a bad drama, a bad romance, any day of the week.

[42:38] But a bad comedy is...

[42:39] It's fucking work, man.

[42:40] Yeah.

S1

[42:41] Just to sit there, you kind of want to get up and leave.

[42:43] Yeah.

[42:44] You want to look around and make sure nobody knows you're watching.

Elliott Kalan

[42:47] There's nothing worse than watching a bad comedy.

[42:50] Except maybe I don't know.

S1

[42:51] Like watching your children get run over by a car.

[42:54] That's probably worse.

[42:55] It's probably about the same, but it depends.

[42:57] Like, there's more cleanup with the children.

Elliott Kalan

[42:59] But if they're getting run over while, like, Dane Cook is pulling bases in the truck, then, yeah, that's worse.

S1

[43:06] Oh, that is worse.

[43:07] This is sort of interesting.

[43:09] Only three movies that won Razzies.

[43:11] Good year for Phil, huh?

[43:14] And Daddy Day Camp got one.

Elliott Kalan

[43:16] This is a solid year for movies.

[43:18] The fact that those movies sweep the Razzies, but also that the movie's not in for Academy Awards.

[43:24] For the most part, we're not in bad movies.

[43:25] No, I couldn't argue with any of them.

S1

[43:27] There's no crash in this round.

[43:30] There was no crash.

Elliott Kalan

[43:31] There was no, I mean, no of the English patients.

S1

[43:34] It was like, oh, there was no one-two Russell Crowe punch of Gladiator and a beautiful movie.

[43:39] Exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[43:40] I feel like none of the acting awards this year could be argued with.

[43:44] I haven't seen La Vie en Rose, so I don't know if I'm sure of it.

[43:47] I mean, Phyllis Winton was solid.

[43:49] Daniel Day-Lewis was amazing.

[43:51] People were like, he's chewing the scenery.

[43:53] And it's like, yeah, and he's doing it fantastically well.

[43:56] Like, he's creating a human being who chews the scenery.

[44:00] And he had the best voice in movies.

[44:02] The best mustache.

[44:03] And Javier Bardem was fantastic.

[44:07] Like, these were solid acting.

[44:09] There were no Hilary Swanks or Charlize Theron.

S1

[44:15] Now, how many times during the Oscars, my whole thing, did they make comments slash jokes about Javier Bardem's haircut?

[44:23] Too many times.

[44:24] It was shocking.

Elliott Kalan

[44:26] And it's also like, yeah, he's got a silly haircut.

[44:29] Like, it's set in the 80s and he's playing the meanest man in the world.

[44:32] Like, why shouldn't he have a distinctive haircut?

[44:35] Yeah, that was the thing.

S1

[44:36] I thought his character was incredibly mean.

[44:40] We should say really hurtful things.

[44:44] Unkind.

[44:45] You wouldn't share.

[44:47] So, we've talked a little bit about the Razzes.

[44:50] Are we going to...

[44:51] I don't know that there's actually a lot to say about it, but as a bad movie podcast, I thought we should catch on it.

Elliott Kalan

[44:56] Yeah, I mean, I think they got a little overzealous with their hatred for...

S1

[45:00] Yeah, they should have spread the love around.

[45:02] I mean, if it matters, frankly, having watched Good Luck Chuck, I don't know if it's fair to not do something to make sure that...

[45:11] That's a worse film.

[45:12] Yeah, it is worse.

Elliott Kalan

[45:13] But also, in a year where there's so many of those, like, meet the Spartans, epic movie type movies, I feel like it's strange that none of those were had to be a pot.

S1

[45:23] It makes me want to cut my eyeballs out of my head and then fill my eye sockets with fucking bees or something.

[45:32] With bees or fucking?

[45:33] You know, fucking bees.

[45:34] I like that you often go to, like, bees or scorpions when you're going for, like, some sort of, you know, extravagant metaphor or similar...

[45:45] I'm definitely breaking the same thing.

[45:48] Okay, they killed my bum.

[45:49] That said...

[45:50] Happens.

[45:57] I'm going to release as a second part of this podcast, the Flophouse Year in Review.

[46:01] However, that second file has been lost, thanks to the evil gnome that lives inside my computer.

[46:07] We mourn its passing.

[46:09] But we will be back in two weeks with another regular episode of the Flophouse.

[46:14] Also, visit theflophouse.blogspot.com to post on our all-new Flophouse forums, or drop us a line at theflophouse at gmail.com.

[46:25] Also, if you have the time, take a moment to vote for us at Podcast Alley, or write a review on iTunes.

[46:31] So, for my co-host, Stuart Wellington, Elliot Kalin, and me, Dan McCoy, thanks for listening to the Flophouse.

[46:39] Good night.

[46:43] You had a beer on me?

[46:44] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[46:45] Why the F9?

S1

[46:47] I have one ready for you.

[46:49] Yeah, dude.

[46:50] You don't want to have to go get that in the middle of the podcast.

[46:52] No, never just make it up.

[46:54] No, I opened that one for my, uh, my ghost best friends.

[46:58] That one's for Elijah.

[47:01] You think that one?

[47:02] No, really.

[47:03] Well, the rest of the year, he, like, scores a little bit of life.

[47:07] I'm just impressed that you do it.

[47:09] You know.

[47:10] Impressive part of it.

[47:10] Or a Gentile.

[47:12] I'm in comedy.

[47:14] Um.

[47:24] Thank you.

The Flop House: Episode Eleven - Awards Floptacular

Transcript

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